The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 619 - Dave Thornton & Oliver Clark

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

We’ve been relegated to Tommy’s spare room today with DAVE THORNTON and OLIVER CLARK! Tommy’s taken a solo trip to puppy school and been forced to finally pick a name for his new dog. We also hear about OC and Chando’s farcical trip to the beach, OC living in the lap of luxury, Neighbourhood Watch websites, breaking and entering, and heaps more! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a great new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Oliver Clark. If you would like to support the Little Dum Dum Club, you can do so. Patreon.com slash Little Dum Dum Club. Get yourself two bonus episodes every week in your feed, including ones coming up with one of the guests from today's episode. But heaps of a backlog there, 250 plus episodes. LittleDumDumClub.com if you want to find the link. And also get on there and get some merch as well.

But we will be back to talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dum Dum. Until then, enjoy this episode with Oliver Clark and Dave Thornton. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Hey, ladies. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests, two very dear friends. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Oliver a clock and Dave Thornton very special aren't we please Ollie we came dressed together I know I know I and black jeans we've talked about the male gray before it's a pleasure oh isn't it looking at it feeling it it's fantastic you're new you're in your cities you guys you guys have both been doing you guys were both doing comedy when I started. So how long have you guys been doing it for?

I think we're talking about Marl Grey. I'm sorry. How did that suddenly turn? Yeah, for some reason I got out of that really quickly. How do we get out? Where do you get your ideas? I can just hear our ratings going down. I don't know how that even works with podcasts.

I'm finding a bit of fashion on here, mate It's the Birkenstock wearers And the Marl Grey people Listening on this episode I'm sorry, it's just a personal thing I'm allergic to really boring subjects Yeah, yeah Yeah, so let's get on to

Some more interesting stuff Oh, that's why you haven't done A comedy That's why you haven't done A comedy festival show for a while, Carl Allergic to boring subjects Oh, no Woo!

Yes! Got him! I'm fine to cop that. I'm fine to jump on that bomb as long as we aren't talking about Marl Grey. Marl Grey. Is that because you're not wearing it and you're just a bit jealous?

Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. Mind you, you're dressed as a la Thorno, possibly Harley Breen. You've got the red check shirt on.

the lumberjack. I did his chuckle hat on the weekend, Kyle Splash. When I came in, I'm like, whoa, is he negging me?

Why is he wearing my gear? I'm not wearing a shit Liverpool top. Yeah, I'm cosplaying. I was like, you know what? I thought, you know what? In these times, you can't be too careful. Thornton gets COVID, maybe I'll just hop up. You're willing to do the four and a half hours

up there on stage. Yeah, yeah, I brought some Sally's glue. I thought I'll put this to the sole of my feet and I'll get up on stage and I'll do a big Thornow. Imagine you get up pot rivet your own feet to the stage and go, I have to commit. I have to commit to these sticky feet. Give us your best Thornow right now.

If you had to jump in. I don't know. You know what? I can't. Thornow doing Hughesy. Yeah, there you go. That would be my cheat if I was in that position. Exactly.

That's your duck sandwich is your impression of Husey. Doing Husey. And Shane Bourne, I'd say. But that's not as relevant anymore. Which is a shame. I think I've done it a couple of times and really the back of the room laughed. I remember doing Bob Franklin and that distinctly happened. They were like, this is no slight on Bob.

He's a great performer. There's never more of a conflicting feeling, is there, than when you can only hear the back of the room laugh because it's like, you know, great, I've got the respect and admiration of my peers. But then in service of that, I'm currently doing my job very badly. Yeah, yeah. It feels awful.

Well, there's three levels. There's hearing the proper audience laugh. You go, I'm doing my job. You're hearing the back of the room laugh. You go, okay, well, this is clever. Maybe you're too clever for a mainstream audience. Oh, I'm a comedian's comedian. Yes.

And then there's not hearing either of them and just hearing Ben Lomas laugh and then going, oh, I've torched this fucking game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in big fucking trouble here. That's the fourth layer of hell is just Ben Lomas. He's the back of the back of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can even get a step back from that is when you're watching a TV show and then you'll hear a bit of a crook joke or an aside saying the project or hard quiz or something. And then you hear that. Ben Lomas in the background. You're like, oh, my God. Yeah, we get sent them a lot from listeners of this who've picked up, eagle-eared listeners who've picked up a Lomas in the back of something

they've been watching. I'd love someone to put together a supercut of all the times you can clearly, distinctly hear that it's been Ben Lomas doing warm-up in the room. I can't believe someone in production hasn't come up to me and gone, hey, just a quick little thing I've picked up over the last 10 years. Can you stop laughing when bad things happen on our TV show? Yeah, it's a testament to the fact of how good he is at warm-up

that he's consistently getting warm-up work in spite of the fact that you would imagine that's got to be a significant red mark against his name. He seems to delight in it not going well. But who doesn't? I think comics in general do. You fucking love fucked up shit that goes wrong.

Yeah, but I've always said this. If you go to someone else's gig and something fucked up happens, the best. If it's at your own gig, no good. It's like going to a party, someone shits on the carpet. How good is this? A shit on your carpet at your party? This sucks.

I've got to clean this up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're right. It is being up the back of the room and something going horrifically wrong. It's fucking great. It's the best. It's the best. I hate watching stand-up and that's what I live for.

A KC meltdown. Oh, yeah. It's like, tell me what you've done today. Great. Yeah, I want to hear that. I just want to hear it go wrong. Now, we're back in my little office today. We've been recording.

We're back in the man-child, Kate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You will know, Carl. We've been recording the last few of these out in the living room. But the living room now, we've got a dog. The living room's the dog's domain. Didn't trust the dog. I didn't see the dog there before. Yeah, the dog's in the bedroom.

Have you got a name yet for the dog? Well, this is it. We talked about this last week. The name Larry came into contention. Is that after doing Larry Emder? Yeah. Great. I think he suggested it.

That's nice. That is nice. And we were... Good name to yell out. Larry! Yeah, I do like that. Larry! Fuck you, Larry!

I feel like Nanny Fine. Larry! You know what I have noticed, and especially living in Brunswick in Melbourne, is that the kids, obviously my kids are going to school, not one of them has a normal name. Oh, really? Every kid at school, you're like, what was that?

You're trying to figure it out. And the normal names have just been dropped into dog's names. Okay. When you're at a dog park, it's almost like Ted. I've heard that's Barry the dog. We got Jerry the dog. I thought Bruce would be a good name for a dog. Great name for a dog.

So you're saying the kids are all called Emerald and shit like that and the dogs are just called Tony. Yeah, the dogs have just dropped into this is Ian. Ian is sensational. I like how you're like all the kids are called Emerald. Did you go to a strip club last night? A strip club school, yeah. Dave, I'm doing the kid pickup as usual, 11pm to 1am.

Trying to pick up the 18-year-old kids that aren't my kids. Your thing you were telling me, Dave, about your neighbours and their dog, really stuck in my head. What was that? Your neighbours who have a dog and they're just like, the whole thing of a dog is like training for a kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're just like way too into that side of it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's a couple that lives across the road and Matilda had not touched the ground for the first six months of her life. And then my kids would go over and Matilda is a miniature poodle. And my eldest daughter hates dogs. But of course, you look at a miniature poodle and you're like, well, that's not really a dog. No. Yeah, it's a toy. And they were freaking out when my daughter went across like, can I pat it? And they're like, I guess.

And you're like, oh my God. And of course, these things are so inbred that Matilda doesn't know what's going on. Yeah, it wants to die. Hang on, hang on. The dogs are. No offense against you and your sister slash wife, but yeah. I'm not going to level with you. My children are so inbred.

You really fucked this one, sis. By this one, I mean me. I hate you, Dad. I didn't ask to be born to two siblings. Well, you can take whoever's last name and we're still good. Oh, thanks for the permission, Uncle Dad. No, because we live in Brunswick and we're progressive, the kid's last name is Thornton Thornton.

Nice, nice, nice. That's good. Actually, you know, because we were talking about this. Remember we were doing gigs at the Comics Lounge and you were on and Ben Knight was on. And we were having this conversation because Ben Knight's ex is a vet. But they talked about dogs like that. They are sincerely so inbred that when you see them walking along and their paws are going up and down like in a weird manner. Yeah, because their brain is so small.

They can't figure out like breathing and walking. Yeah. The brain is having to go walk. Like imagine if every time you got up, it had to be like a thing of going now, okay, the left foot and then the right foot and then the left foot. So when you are like a human going, can I pat you? And they're like, too much, too much.

I'm going to have to hold my breath for this. Because like normal ones are already eating their own shit. Like how bad are these ones? can I pat you? And they're like, too much, too much. I don't know. I'm going to have to hold my breath for this. Wow. So this couple... Because like normal ones are already eating their own shit. Like how bad are these ones? I know. My dog's eating my cat shit at the moment. It's pretty bad.

Your dog's eating the cat shit? Yeah, literally chomping down on it. I'm pretty sure that's how some form of virus is going to get started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cross-fecal contamination. Oh, for sure. The OC virus. I think he's pretty anxiety-

Oh, I've got a fever. Fuck. That's pretty political. I thought cats and dogs hate each other. All of a sudden, one's eating it, the other one's shit. No, I think that's a myth Tom and Jerry perpetuated. You've been watching too many cartoons, Carl. You're eating your chocolate.

That's not Big Hanna-Barbera I want chocolate That's what Big Hanna-Barbera Want you to believe Big Hanna-Barbera They get in early That's how they get you Mind you That really feels like Some top dog stuff

Like the dog's looking At the cat going I'll eat your own shit Think about what I'm about to do Literally just like Eyeballing her at the same time That's the Aussie Osborne of dogs It's like pet prison Walk up to the biggest cat On the first day Just like eyeballing her at the same time. That's the Aussie Osborne of dogs.

It's like pet prison. Walk up to the biggest cat on the first day and eat its shit. Just to assert your dominance. And then that cat's never going to fuck with you again. Actually, have I told this, because you were talking about Matilda across the road. I'm not sure if I've told this story on this pod, but this was when it got really weird with our neighbours because the couple with Matilda finally went out

after the dog was about nine months old to be like, we need someone to look after this dog and we can finally have a night off. Yeah. And it was like, oh, my God. I love that. I think we were out after two weeks after our child was born. Yeah. And I went and got maggot after that time and be like,

I need to let the hair down. Yeah, you were telling me about it and they were like, yeah, you said they were like, oh, yeah, we just really need a night to ourselves. Like, you know, nine months, we're still a little, you know, we're a little scared about leaving the dog alone. I was out the door to do a gig two hours after we got this little cunt. But this made me laugh is that, again, live in Brunswick

and it's funny with Brunswick because you've got all the people moving in and, you know, gentrifying the joint. But then you've got a couple of live in Brunswick and it's funny with Brunswick because you've got all the people moving in and you know gentrifying the joint but then you've got a couple of old school Brunswick guys who've grown up there

the whole time and this guy up the road he's lived in Brunswick his whole life and he reckons the dog they walk in the dog pass

and the dog crapped out the front of their house which I do doubt in that these a couple look after the dog so well that I'd think

they'd pick the poo up, but regardless, he's stuck to it and gone, oh, so you've just crapped out the front of my house, have you? Goes and picks the crap up, puts it out the front of their house, like on the doormat, and is almost like, check mate. These people have come out, stepped in the shit,

and they're like, what's going on? And they're like, I don't know what's happening, asked around the neighborhood, and this guy's like yeah I did it because you dropped the crap off and they're like no well it wouldn't

have happened and he's like it did I saw it it's yours clean it up dusted for shit prints and from what I gathered

this is what I heard on the hood is that they've then gone to the police station awesome and said hey this has happened so what are we going to do

and the cops were like nah yeah absolutely nothing stop wasting our time totally yeah did that guy see

Constable Smith from poo division isn't working today oh god I want us to be defunded so I don't have to deal with fucking rot like this defund the blue

defund the brown yeah they just send Ollie's dog in and just go, just eat it. Just munch it up. Yeah.

Jerry's cleaning up the same mess. That's the bomb squad. The guy from Pulp Fiction, what's his name? Mr. Wolf. Mr. Wolf.

There's two things I love about that. I reckon that's someone who, the person who put the shit, that's someone who spent their 20s in one of those

share houses that you hear about where like, dirty dishes that are left in the sink for more than 24 hours just get fucking chucked who the person who put the shit that's someone who spent their 20s in one of those share houses that you hear about where like dirty dishes that are left in the sink for more than 24 hours just get fucking chucked on the person's bed i reckon that's a person who's come up in that environment and gone best thing for me yeah it's the only way you fucking learn i also love and i'd be interested to know because it's always fat you you have so many stories dave about your neighborhood and what's going on in your neighbor's lives and I'd be fascinated to know how many other people listening have this kind of

situation because the way you talk about your neighborhood it sounds like a it sounds like a fucking 60s sitcom doesn't it

it's just all so involved in each other bit of Ramsey Street happening yeah every like second story it's like oh my neighbor was

doing this I'm like I don't fucking know anyone I don't know anyone all I know is the cunt upstairs who has his dog that pisses on me and that's it I don't even know his name all I don't know anyone. All I know is the cunt upstairs who has his dog that pisses on me,

and that's it. I don't even know his name. All I know is I knock on the door. I'm not like, what's your name, and can you fucking stop your dog from pissing on my balcony? And they say that it's not happening? We've gone over and over this, but it's back again at the moment. We're having a red-hot streak at the moment.

They always have this little bit at the start. It's such a weird thing where I go and knock on the door and then he always goes, yes, what would you like? And it's like, it's always the same problem. What else am I coming up here? I didn't bake a new batch of blueberry muffins or whatever. It's like, it's not I love Lucy. It's like, I want the piss to stop.

Hello, Mr. Lumberjack. Are you here to drop our treats down? It's always like, oh, yes, what? And I what and i'm like man you know it's happening again can you and then we have this little dance where he's like well that couldn't possibly be happening because my dog doesn't piss it's like fuck come on man maybe it's him and then he just caves then he just it goes from that to just like oh i'm so sorry it'll never happen happen again. Oh, my God. Oh, you break it. Wow. Yeah. He hates confrontation, right?

He's just. I don't know. He puts up. He gives me 40 seconds to a minute of like, no, no, no. And then just starts crying. Why don't you just say, cut the shit? What's his name? I don't know.

Oh, you need to get his name. Why? Because we can use it in this podcast. Because you've got to say his name. Cut the shit, you. That's funny that you've got this relationship and there's never been an introduction. Do you know the dog's name?

Just straight into, listen, cunt. Yeah. And I can't believe after you've offered that olive branch, he hasn't come your way. I mean, you've charmed him so much, Carl. But I'm not doing anything bad with him. I'm always the one going, man, because I know you can't make enemies

with someone who's already accidentally letting his dog piss all over me. Like, it's not like I want to amp that up and make him do more. It's a weird relationship in an apartment building because you're, it's like, I guess this is true of neighbours could scale offence, but you're really aware that it's like you are literally on top of each other. You go, this person could, if they really wanted to, get into my house quite easily. Also, he's got gravity on his side.

I agree. He can pour all the piss onto my balcony that he wants. I can't do anything. All I can do is take a shit out of my cat's ass and just throw it up and hopefully it sort of loops around. Take the shit out of the ass? You're reaching in there. Yeah, I love it.

Just throw it out of the ass. I'm too sure it's in there. Maybe I'm too keen on this. Get out! I can't wait. I want to get him now. Rifling in that muck hole. You're just a wrist deep into the backside going,

this will teach him. I'm really getting in. Advantage Chandler. Because Ollie, I lie. I say I don't know anyone in the neighbourhood. We're sort of neighbours. We live a couple of streets away from me. Did you get this flyer in your letterbox?

There was a thing for like an online, like a website that's like a neighbourhood watch kind of site. No. It was like this. We got this thing put in and it's like, hey, this Fitzroy group, get on this website, sign up. Here's the code. It's a good way to find out about things that are happening in the area.

You can use it as a trading post. It's good for like safety if there's like things gone missing or whatever. But what a hilarious, because like Fitzroy is so compacted with so much stuff going on. And you've got Smith Street, you've got Brunswick Street and everything. It's like, just point out anything unusual. You're like, can't always be on this forum all day. All day.

Yeah. Well, my girlfriend convinced me to sign up. I saw someone doing a real job and dressed in normal clothes. Alarm bells. Chase them out. It's going to the... They're gentrifying. Get them out.

They're riding a bike with gears. It was weird. Riding a bike with two wheels? A coffee with cow milk? Excuse me? So I signed up thinking like, oh, well, yeah, I mean, it's worth doing. If you've got stuff to sell,

it's like you can just get on there. So it's just a marketplace. It's not about anything else but that. Kind of marketplace, but also like, yeah, like any kind of like safety issues and stuff like that. Signed up. First notification I got from the website, got an email.

There's a guy who'd posted and said, I saw a UFO last night. Oh, yes. Now I'm in.'d posted and said, I saw a UFO last night. Oh, yes. Now I'm in. I need this. Now I'm interested. That's amazing. I want to know who's building a bomb shelter in the area for when shit goes down, you know?

I'm going to go make friends with number like 72. Where did he see it, by the way? Because I'm keen. I mean, that's the true neighborhood, just being like, I saw this. Did any please tell me someone else in the neighborhood saw this so that I'm keen. He just, yeah, I mean, that's the true neighbourhood, just being like, I saw this. Did any please tell me someone else in the neighbourhood saw this so that I'm not fucking insane? It was probably just the moon. Yeah.

It was cylindrical. And he had the gall to be there all night. He moved real slow. It was moving. I can't believe the rest of you didn't see it. It just hovered there. Then as the month goes on, less and less of him is being shown. I think I'm going to get on and start trolling it.

I fucking love it. I'm going to go like, yeah, was it the standard the other night? Pretty sure I saw Bigfoot in those bushes out there. Anyone else see Bigfoot down at the standard? I walked here today. There's a few people walking around that look like Bigfoot. I don't think that's a few people walking around that look like Bigfoot. I don't think that's a rarity around here.

Yeah, what's a troll post I can put on the neighbourhood website? I want to hear more about the UFO considering you're in inner city Melbourne where you look up

you can't see a star at night in the city. They're getting lazy, aren't they? How the fuck have you seen a UFO? If the aliens are like that low down just any old fuckwit

in Fitzroy can get a goons. They want to be caught. They want to be attention seekers, right? We've been trying for fucking decades to get these cunts to notice us. We've got to up the ante here. Was there a spaceship inside a coffee shop? Yeah, yeah. That's what, yeah.

Mind you, it finally wants first contact and can't find a parking spot. Of all the places I've been to. Wait, so it's two hours, but that stops at 9am and then it's a permit park. I don't have the app for've picked. Yeah. Wait, so it's two hours but that stops at 9am and then it's a permit I don't have the app for the parking. I got abducted and they got a parking fine while they were

doing it. So I think they really took it out on me with that rental probe. They were not happy. Yeah, that's true. Just probing parking inspectors.

How does it feel for you? Yeah, exactly. So yeah, the dog I took him to puppy school last night. We still hadn't settled on a name Right Larry was sort of

You know he was in contention So unnamed has gone to school already Untitled dog project Yeah Oh nice Untitled dog project Take him to school And I'm

Like we're driving down there And we knew By the way imagine taking a kid to school Who would you like to enrol here Oh haven't really Haven't really been struck by inspiration at the moment. It's been three years. Hey, why don't you try stuff out through the week?

See which one sticks. See what he responds to. If he doesn't eat in fuck during the week, like, you know, maybe that'll give us an idea. Oh, yeah, Glue. Gluey! Gluey! There we go.

That's not a bad name. Gluey. So I take the dog down and, yeah, so I knew that we were going to have to have a name ready to go by the time cluster. Oh, so you got in the car on the way to school coming up with a name. So me and my girlfriend were going to go together and we were like, we've got to work this out in the car, okay? This has got to happen.

Because when we had our little blanket, when we had our child, we only had girls names and we didn't know the the sex of the baby and we didn't have a boy heading into the into the operating a boy name ready to go yeah yeah so you yeah you would have been like this yeah we were like we were like um well um this boy yeah this boy's gonna have a very feminine name. Your wife's in labour, like in the car, just in pain. You're like, any, any. Roger, Simon, what do you think? What's your name? Okay, Dr. Baby.

Dr. Baby Chandler. All right, good, great. Another good name. Just calling your kid Doctor. There must be people in the world that have done that. I'm going to fucking beat the system. I was interested in the name. Because people name their kids after characters in TV shows.

I went, what if anyone's called their kid Gonzo after the Muppets? So I looked into it. Apparently in, I think it's Zimbabwe, it's quite a... It's a common name. I think there's over 2,000 people called Gonzo. Interesting. Literally, it's like in the Americas. And then in Chad, there's a heap of Miss Piggies

Yeah Damn Gonzo's a sick name for a dog It's Oh Gonzo's a great name for a dog I reckon Gonzo's a great name for a kid I reckon that's perfect Because I don't think anyone else

Has actually named Gonzo At the moment Or girls I think boy It's gotta be boy I think it's gotta be a boy Yeah Little Gonzo

It does yeah Gonzo You seen how to be a boy Yeah Little Gonzo It does yeah Gonzo You seen how hot Gonzo is Gonzo Oh Gonzo Titted off Gonzo last night Imagine just being like

The ultimate Lothario And your name was Gonzo Like The name's Gonzo No but you know That's my theory You think the nose is big Yeah

It's also just as bendy But that's my theory Because you go With girls names It's like It doesn't matter what girls If a girl is really attractive You start to go

Like if you saw 10 out of 10 It's like What's her name Gonzo Oh yeah that sort of Is a sexy name Yeah

I'm coming around to that I can work with this Yeah So yeah we But so last minute My girlfriend gets sick. I'm taking a solo trip to the dog school. Oh, so now it's down to you.

So I'm in the car, because we were going to work it out in the car. But now it's just like solo trip. It sounds like she's taking a fall, but sure. Oh, my throat's out. I can't handle this responsibility. Yeah. I thought you were implying that I made her sick

because it's like, I want to come up with this dog's name on my own. You've been putting stuff in her breakfast. Once I take you out of the equation, gonzo it is. Then I get all the fun at dog school all by myself. So, yeah, I get there and I'm panicking. I'm like, I don't know how. I'm truly thinking that I'm just going to go on impulse.

Do you have to have a name, though? Well, one part of the training was teaching the dog to respond to its name. Yeah, right. And also, it does seem pretty irresponsible to go, can you teach my dog something? What's its name? I don't care.

Dunno. That's fair. Because also, at the start of the class, she's like... You're a school. Teach me something. At the start of the class, she's like, oh, so, you know, of course, you're all, you know, the big thing, she's like oh so you know of course you're all you know you the big thing what's the first thing you do when you have a dog you know what's

the first thing you teach it and someone's like oh a toilet train like no no no it's name yeah so you you would all you would all be walking around the house just saying your dog's name constantly and i'm like oh yeah flat out to us to be honest your poor kid's gonna get kept down already at dog school. Yeah, kept back a few years. We've just been calling him because we hadn't committed to a name yet. We just kept referring to him as Mr. Man. Right. I'm on Mr. Man.

What's Mr. Man doing? Hey, Mr. Man. So I meet a guy out the front, right, and he's got a Shiba Inu, which is like... Is that a car? Shiba Inu. They're like the little Japanese breed of dogs. Yeah, I got my new Shiba Inu, which is like... Is that a car? Shiba Inu. They're like the little Japanese breed of dogs. Yeah, I got my new Shiba Inu.

Sweet ride. I believe they sponsor the Shanghai Masters. A great car. A new budget car coming in. But then they'll upgrade. You guys have never heard of a Shiba? No. Shiba Inu?

They're Japanese. They look like little... I like the sports gonzo model. Anything like Sheena Easton? No, I'm sorry to say. Prince has never fucked a Shiba Inu. So you think. That's how he went.

Death by dog fucking. Let's say it's painkillers. Spare him the embarrassment. Just say it was pills. Wait, so what's the... I'm assuming that's a fusion name for the breeds. Is that a Shiba Inu? I don't know. I think it's just – yeah, I don't think it's a combo.

I think it's just they're the dog that I – if I could have picked any breed, I'd have one of them. But they never show up on rescue sites. Even breeders, they're very tricky to get. So this guy's got one big Japanese breed of dog, which I'm already insanely jealous of. And he's like, oh, this is Kenzo. Again, Japanese name.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. It's very close to Gonzo. This kind. I know. Right. Sounds like Gonzo's friend, Kenzo. Kenzo and Gonzo. Like Barbie and Ken.

Gonzo and Kenzo. So Gonzo's girlfriend is Kenzo. Yeah, yeah. Kenzo's a girl. Like Barbie and Ken. Gonzo and Kenzo. So Gonzo's girlfriend is Kenzo. Yeah, yeah. Kenzo's a girl? Are we saying that? Kenzo's the female of Gonzo. Kenzo's the female of Gonzo. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, a hot girl called Kenzo. You know, I can say that. Yeah. Gonzo and Kenzo. Yeah. But so he's, you know, I love Japan, right? And this guy, he's out Japan-ing me. He's got the breed.

He's given it a Japanese name. And so when he goes, who's this? And this guy, he's out Japan-ing me. He's got the breed. He's given it a Japanese name. And so when he goes, who's this? My little guy. I go, this was a name that was, you know, I talked about it last week. I had to go with my gut and I was like, all right, well, I've got to come to the party. I've called it Japan. You can't get more Japanese than that. Nippon.

I've called it Hiroshima. So he's Kewpie. He's officially Kewpie now. Oh, no. Oh, as in the mayonnaise. Hiroshima So he's Kewpie He's officially Kewpie now Oh no Oh as in the mayonnaise As in the mayonnaise Kewpie Tasty

Kewpie's nice Isn't there a pub One block from your house Called Kewpie There is Yeah It's a shame that people Are now going to think

I named my dog after the pub Yeah But even that I don't mind But at a dog park How much of a drunk Do you look like When you're screaming At a pub's name

Kewpie Kewpie where are you Come back That guy's blind I don't mind. At a dog park, how much of a drunk do you look like when you're screaming at a pub's name? Kewpie, Kewpie, where are you? Come back. That guy's blind. So then in the class, you know, at one point, we're doing a little thing, teaching them to kind of walk alongside you. And the lady leading the class, she's like,

now who's this? And I go, this is Kewpie. And the lady's like, oh, oh, great. Kewpie, oh, she's doing so well. She's really gotten this worked out. Misgendered my dog. People think he's a girl, just like his daddy. I was like, this is fake.

If only this dog knew how many messages I get. Oh, I was listening with my girlfriend. She's never heard the pod. She's like, who's that woman? And then within 13 weeks of life, this little cunt's copping the same thing. Your dog's got a feminine bark. Woof, woof. Did you correct her straight up? I didn't say anything because it felt like, well,

I don't want to, it feels pretty like very, I'm actually to be like, oh, it's actually a boy. I know. I did think for a minute about doing a bit where I fly off the handle and be a boy how dare you I did think for a minute about doing a bit where I fly off the handle and be like how dare you

misgender my dog you could also just go what made you think it was a girl put it on them the dick that big wang is that throwing you off a bit

hold him up and be like look at that what you think it's got a protruding vagina what's going on I know it's not huge and an ansel

tiny extra tiny condom will slip right off it. And not only that, what about the dogs? So yeah, it's officially Kewpie. Sorry to all the listeners who really wanted it to be Larry. I put up a post on Instagram being like, hey, you know, these are the three names we're thinking of. What do people reckon?

And you know, a lot of people going like, call him Larry, call him Kewpie. And then people just going like, I like the name Shrubs. People just putting in just like, just random, like, here's a name I thought of. It's like, that's not, that wasn't the question. They're saying they didn't like any of your choices. Here's something better. I guess that's a good, yeah. But did, so did Kewpie actually win or did you just go, I'm calling him Kewpie?

I'm calling him Kewpie now. So Larry won, obviously. Well, QB actually win or did you just go, I'm calling him QB? I'm calling him QB now. So Larry won, obviously. Well, it was actually really split. That was the annoying thing. It was too hard to work out who. You didn't heads or tails it? No. What I wanted to do, I thought it would be good to kind of treat it

like that octopus that was picking World Cup results. Oh, yeah. So just have the names written, the three names written on pieces of paper with some food on each of them and we let the dog decide yeah that's easy on a bad egg I thought maybe like

because it sits around and does nothing depending on its parents maybe call it Tommy oh yeah that's funny and it's just you going sit Tommy I think I will

I already was this is winning for everyone this is doing alright yeah just get it in a mini gaming chair I think I will. I already was. I already was. This is winning for everyone. This is doing all right. Yeah, just get a mini gaming chair and, you know, mini drum kit. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah. Man, it's official.

Kewpie Daslow or Kewpie Allsop? Oh. Kewpie Allsop. Surely. I like the sound of Kewpie Allsop. Yeah. I thought they would ask at the place, like, because for certain. Well, I've got to take him to the vet tomorrow for his vaccination.

And my friend was telling me they do ask you. You're one of them. Yeah. They do ask you at the vet what's the... It sounds like the breed is sheeple. Hey, this is interesting because this is like the Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez. Like, are you going to go with your dad's real name? Are you going to go with the stage name?

Oh, yeah. I mean, naming it after my stage name I think is pretty fun. Just name it after Charlie Sheen. QB Sheen. That's funny. We're taking it to school, but I think it's going to have bigger fish to fry later on down the track when it's got tiger blood and it's jacked up on coke. QB Tiger Blood.

Yeah, that'll work itself out. I could call him last name Pub just to really drive home that I've named it after the pub. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that'd be great, though, because every time it would get returned to said pub, and then with your partner, you'd be like, well, I'd better go get the dog. I know where he's gone. And then come back the next morning. You know, you could have actually reverse engineered this and gone down to the pub in

between this week and gone, you know what, we can name this after your pub. Oh, sponsored dog. after your pub. Oh, sponsored dog. A sponsored dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you can keep it quiet and then just like in the next week

go down, say to him, look, we've got a podcast, people listen to it, this many people listen to it. Yeah, but he's going to go down

and it's not going to be open as per usual. Oh yeah, we keep going down and it's never open. But not only on this pod, I mean, because they're sponsoring the dog,

right? And the dog, once he's, once we're out taking him for walks, taking him down to that dog park. And especially in the local area where definitely people are, you know, we've got listeners in Africa. They're not going to come and go to that pod. Yeah, exactly. But here you're advertising. Gonzo loves a pod. Let's say the dog goes missing.

Heaven forbid having to put posts on the Neighbourhood Watch website that I'm very active in. Let's get any more exposure on there. If an alien doesn't take it first. Putting missing posters up on the poles around the neighbourhood and people are like, oh, it's really sad that

that dog's gone missing. And also, God, I'm thirsty. Yeah, that could really work against you. If your dog went missing and you put up some missing posters and you put Kewpie there, it's like people are just going, we get it. Half-priced pieces on Tuesdays. You know what's really bizarre, though, that you've gone the pub rather than Kewpie Mayonnaise, which is a lot bigger and global? No, we haven't gone the pub.

It's just a weird coincidence. No, I'm saying this, but you're saying we could have reverse engineered and got the pub on brand. Why wouldn't you go Kewpie mayonnaise on brand? Let's get sponsored by the mayonnaise. I reckon idiots that run a pub are more likely to buy into this idea. I guess you've dealt with a lot of public heads. I'm always looking for the lowest common denominator. Anyone in a position of power is not going to listen to me in any way.

But you're right. We would never get the dog back because people saying a missing Kewpie sign, people would just think like, yeah, this cunt was doing Dry July. Or they've just lost their mayonnaise. Exactly. Has anyone seen my mayonnaise? I swear to God, I fucking swear to God

I just bought some and now there's none in the fridge. None of my housemates say they've touched it. Where the fuck has this mayonnaise gone? Where's my cat Sriracha? If you could please return that post-haste. As I'm making a sandwich. It's dry.

It's flavourless. It's very timid. Even if you call its name, it won't come to you. You're going to need to do all the work here. You're going to really need to do the legwork on finding this. Doesn't answer to Cooper. Coopy. Does taste delicious with chicken on finding this. Doesn't answer the cuper. Cupi does taste delicious with chicken on white bread.

That's how you know that it's mine. Have a little dab on the tongue and you'll know instantly what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm more of a rescue mayonnaise person. It's already outside of its plastic wrapping. Yeah, if I had have been, like, yeah, imagining an alternate scenario where I'm just panicking at the dog school. What's his name? Barbecue sauce.

Yeah. Yeah. Heinz. Dead horse. I had some shit the bed hot sauce for breakfast this morning. Oh. And I'm genuinely feeling ill. Have you ever had that?

It's pretty bad. You're having a go at me for eating too. I've got chocolate here. I'm eating chocolate from Aldi and you're having a crack at that. You're eating hot sauce for breakfast? Just hot sauce. What are you doing? What's that going on?

Oh, it's going on a bit of Avon toast. Oh, God. Yeah. But I think... Well, plumbing of Collingwood. Let's see who comes out of this second bed. Now, this is a good post for the Neighbourhood Watch group. Guys, I had some hot sauce and I can't stop shitting.

Anyone else? You didn't find my shit. And the flying object was coming out of my ass. Oliver Clark, you and I went on a little Yes Little beach holiday together Perfect Sorry Yes Sorry Thornow

Sorry Das We had a little romantic getaway Down to Anglesey A few months ago Into my parents beach house Which I hadn't been to For about 10 years Which Thornow was at

Were you at as well? I was at too Well this is Studio A This is where Community TV Of course We did We were all part of a Community TV show Called Studio A this is where community TV is we did we were all part of

a community TV show called Studio A about what 15 years ago and look at us still doing work for nothing look at us now well you two are we're nailing it

yeah we did we all went down there for an end of season party about 15 years ago or something and then me and you

for a job done yes for a job well done but me and you went down there for an end of season party about 15 years ago or something. And then me and you went down there. For a job done. Yes, for a job well done. But me and you went down there a couple of months ago now. Oh, it was in summer. So it was a fair while. Yeah, it was in summer. So it was a nice little.

It was very good. Yes. Who else was going to come? Milan was potentially going to come and then he bailed last minute. Yeah, a few pullouts in the last second. But it was, yeah, the first trip down there since. I think we've talked about this before but it tickled

everyone's fancy at the time when we did that that getaway together where we're all just down there to get blind and get as fucked up

as we can and then someone walked into my parents room and found a calendar that my mum had written circled the date we were there and put

Carl's comedy friends my memory is that it was on the fridge and it was like the first thing we saw when we walked in the front door. You know when you go on a trip and it's like just something happens at the very beginning. Or you can just like catching up with mates for a night out. Something happens at the very start where you're like, we are on here. Spirits are through the roof because of this. A gift from God.

Yeah, all right. Kyle's Comedy Friends. Cube is the name of the dog. Can we rename this podcast Kyle's Comedy Friends God. Yeah, alright. Kyle's Comedy Friends. Cube is the name of the dog. Can we rename this podcast Kyle's Comedy Friends? Kyle's Comedy Friends. Kyle's Comedy Friends. Tommy Dasolo presents

Kyle's Comedy Friends. Or it could be the other way. You could Heather Locklear it up like on Melrose Place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyle's Comedy Friends and special guest Tommy Dasolo

every single week no and introducing introducing 13 years and introducing Carl's Comedy Friends or you know missing

Carl's Comedy Friends so unfortunately that was that was missing we didn't have that it was missing with my mother not circled on the calendar

no it wasn't even Carl's Comedy Friend since it was only one it was only one Carl's Friend yes brutal Carl's comedy friend since it was only one of them. It was only one. Carl's friend? Yes. Brutal.

Carl's music friend. Yeah. What a slide in your career, Oliver. That is brutal by his mum. He was a popping guest. He wasn't booked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone got bumped.

Wait, was your mum even aware we were going down? Was this a secret? I think so. Yeah, I think so. Do you know what? Because she's fine with it happening. Yeah. As long as it's circled

on the calendar. Man, it'd be fucking rough if my mum was like, I don't trust you 46-year-old son of mine to go down there with your comedy friends again. But I get down there

and Carl's parked in the driveway and I was like, oh, do I park on the street? No, I park in the driveway. Very narrow drive. Very narrow. There's plants and foliage on the side.

So it really fits one car. Yeah. But we had a great time. Yes. Went and... What did we do in that night? I think we just went and got some food, had some drinks. We got down there, got excited.

Had drinks there. Went for a walk. I think I got a foster slave. Jumped in the beach. Yeah, jumped in the beach. Went to the pub. Went and got some dinner. Great.

Yeah. Did a real round of Anglesey. Because I hadn't been there for a while. It's good to get to know the locals again. Remember me? Hey, I'm back here about 10 years ago. Good to see you, Joe. It's Frank.

Whatever. Going to that pizza shop we went to. The usual face. Remember me? I'm a comedy friend of Carl's. I know I wasn't circling on the calendar this time, but I'm a comedy friend of Carl's. I know I wasn't circling on the calendar this time. I'm here.

I'd love it if everyone at the pub, they've got Carl's comedy friend circling on their calendar. On the marquee out the front. That same font

that all those kinds of pubs have in like the fluoro orange writing. Carl's mum's just gone round to everyone to put the poster down. Friday night is

Shooter Echo cover band. Shooter, Shooter Echo. Sunday night, Carl's Comedy Friends. Sunday night, Uncanny X-Men. Yeah. Oh, well,

it sounds like quite the trip so far. Great trip. And then, and then we went, okay, we must have watched something or not.

I would drink or whatever. And then, it wasn't a big night. We were taking it pretty easy. I'm sure if Milan was there, it would have gotten out of hand.

So maybe we were both reveling in the fact that we didn't have to go quite so hard. Your choices are your own. Yes. Yeah, that's true, right? Sobriety is an option. We were talking at normal level the whole time. The whole time. And half the number of young girls got bothered.

Didn't have to prove anything. Just like, get my word. How just like an average night ever. Yeah. Carl still wanted to see my ID though, just to make sure I was of legal age. And then we went to bed. I'm like, you were in bed. I go, oh fuck, I forgot to take my contacts out.

My contact solution was in my car. Went to find my car keys. I went, fuck, they're not in the bowl there where I thought they were at and went oh i won't wait carl i'll just sleep in the contacts wait till the morning and then get up and we're doing something great story right but i was trying to find my fucking keys could not find them simple as that yeah and i'm like carl have you found you've seen my keys he goes no no. So I check my bag like 10 times. And if we know Carl, any time there's keys around,

they're usually in the bowl. They're usually in the bowl. Throw your keys in the bowl. Oh, that's gross. Throw your keys into the bowl. Just Carl walking around jiggling. Wait, I'll just pass wind and unlock the car. As a little side quest There was a

A little thing on the show A couple of years ago Where I did lose my car keys Oh that's right Yeah remember that From indoor soccer And I went all the way home I couldn't

I left my car at indoor soccer Couldn't find my keys Went all the way home Went Fuck me I don't know what we're going to do Went to go to the toilet Pulled my pants down

Do a piss Went Oh there's my keys In my undies They'd been nestling in my arse cheeks And I hadn't know what we're going to do Went to go to the toilet Pulled my pants down the door Pierce went Oh there's my keys In my undies They'd been nestling in my arse cheeks And I hadn't noticed Who does not notice It's crazy

What I just You know what I didn't have any pockets In my soccer shorts So for some reason I put them down in my undies And then just not felt them

Pretty numb back there hey A lot of traffic Pretty numb back there, hey? A lot of traffic. A bit of nerve damage. The receptors have given up. This is how you're going to treat us. We're out. Just two really big calluses. It's just a time capsule from his life

I haven't seen a two dollar note in a long time What was that thing back there? Ten years in San Quentin, he'll do that to you That's why he goes to Thailand so often When you've got to export stuff out of the Golden Triangle You get Cal Chan in the Rumble So you have a little fish back there When you've got to export stuff out of the Golden Triangle, you get Carl Chan in the Rumble. So you have a little fish back there.

No Oli car keys. Of course, his first place he looks for is his pockets. I check back there in the first place. In the coach, nothing in there. Nothing in there. You're going to be too safe. I see Carl checking the couch. I'm like, great. I had a little check of the couch as well.

Nothing there. We do a lap. We do a good lap. We do a massive lap,. I'm like, great. I had a little check of the couch as well. Nothing there. We do a lap. We do a good lap. We do a massive lap. But I'm like, I remember putting it on the table. You guys are crazy. This is just like the hangover. This is fucked up.

And did you say comedy? Did one of your comedy friends take it? And I'm like, okay. Can't find the fucking keys. Let's retrace our steps. Retrace our steps in the night time. Still nothing. Still nothing.

Even though we probably did ask the pizza shop we know so then we went on a we went on an episode it was that nice thing where the day before we go

great let's all explore Anglesey what a great little tourist trap this is and just did a lap of Anglesey and then the next morning we did it in reverse

wasn't so quaint and fucking memorable it was like fuck me we have to go back everywhere we fucking want to. Even to the point, because I had them in my pockets when I went in. Oh, I thought I may have had them in my pockets when I went into the water. I'm like, fuck if that happened.

That's brutal. I was pretty cool the whole time. He was so calm. It was insane. Let me ask. Did you meet any New Zealand comedians that night who may have stolen your jeans that had the keys in them? Oh, no. That's what kept an eye out for someone.

Oh, that feeling if you've dropped it in the sea. Because I've dropped... Carl, we have to check the ocean. Yeah. I dropped... I had a money clip at the time. It had cash and all my things in it. Went in the ocean, lost it.

Six months later, get a call from Torquay Police Station. No. We have your money clip. I drove down to Torquay just for the joy of it and then it had cash in there my license the money clip would like one back a bit from all the yeah someone had just washed up someone found it yeah found it inside a dead whale so this so this happened so in the meantime it's like all right we'll have to go and have a look because happened. So in the meantime, it's like,

all right, we'll have to go and have a look because you've parked in the driveway behind me. I'm not going anywhere. So you're parked in. And this is why he's so, I can't understand

why he's so calm. He's got to get back to Melbourne for work and I've blocked him in. I can't get, there's no way to get the car out. That's right,

I forgot about that. And I'm like, how is this cunt so fucking calm? I'm like, oh, I know why because now he gets to stay at Torquay

for another day and it's a good excuse for you. Well, no, I know why. Because now he gets to stay at Torquay for another day. And it's a good excuse for you. Well, no, I still had to work. Yeah, you still had to work. We shit internet. That was the problem. Yeah, that was the worst thing. So we're trying to retrace the steps.

We're going up to shops. All the shops that we'd gone to the day before are now closed. But I bumped into, I don't know how I picked her, but the girl who worked behind, remember I stopped her in the street? Oh, that's right. Oh, hey, do you work at whatever the noodle house is there was a girl who worked in two different shops

she did the bakery and the noodle house and so then she just walks down the street and we go hey in either of the shops you work in

did you find any keys and she's like what this truly is like the hangover but it's just incredibly low stakes it's so lame

not looking for a groom looking for some keys haven't been to the strippers or anything it's just like oh we were in the bakery let's go check there yeah yeah yeah

but this is the bit like I said I was reasonably calm because I'm like I'm going full zen Sherlock Holmes where it's like we've just got to check everywhere

it's absolutely plausible and I've checked everything a million times I'm going crazy because I know they're in the house the one point I did crack a little bit was

when you go well I was in the ocean so you went to the exact point in the ocean. The one point I did crack a little bit was when you go, well, I was in the ocean. So you went to the exact point in the ocean that you were at to check there. I'm like, do you really think in 24 hours the ocean hasn't moved your fucking keys? Well, I know it's... That's the little anchor that he has as a keychain.

I know the moon is pretty powerful, but I thought the weight of the keys was pretty weighty. I thought maybe they're just sitting on top of a sandbar. People laughed when they got the keys was pretty weighty I thought maybe they're just sitting on top of a sandbar people laughed when they got the keys

cut out of granite but who's laughing now I saw on the Anglesey neighbourhood watch group there was a UFO in the skies last night maybe they abducted my keys from the ocean

and just put them back this morning speaking of which I did join the Anglesey community page and did put up a little notice anyone seen these keys

anyone seen these keys but people were very helpful down in Anglesey. Very good. So I called the police station as a result. You know, I think they were just saying things we'd already done anyway. But this is also bizarre in that, again, I've performed at your chuckle hut, Carl,

and someone will come in and be like, hey, I've got tickets, but I don't actually have them on my purse. And he's like, oh, get fucked! And he's just going to lose it. Your entire mode of transport is taken from under you you can't get to work and you're like c'est la vie these things happen i get it though i get that approach because it's like yeah you can you can do your nut you can flip out or you can go well what happens here yeah you just got to find the keys that's all there is to it

oh if i know if i knew i'd actually lost them i them, I'd be kind of a bit more sane. But it's because I knew they were still in the house and they weren't there. I was like, where the hell? You're going insane. You're just going insane. Isn't it some sort of hell because you're going back over and over and you're thinking nothing makes sense anymore? Nothing makes sense. How many times have I gone over this couch?

Yeah, because I literally checked my bag about 20 times. Anyway. I've lost my mayonnaise. I know what you're talking about. I've been there. We've gone up and down the street. We've gone back into the bakery twice. And then you're like, okay, we can't find them.

What's the next step? What do we do? And it's like, all right, well, I'll call my girlfriend. I have a spare set. She's back in Melbourne. And where's your spare set? And then I went, but you know what? Oh, no, I called her.

I said, hey, this is what's happened. I think my spare set are in the little ceramic bowl somewhere. It's always a bowl. Or your bowel. My ceramic bowels. Well sculpted. Ghost style. Patrick Swayze's got his fingers up my arse Up the arse

That's thumbing Just thumbing I like to call my arse The terracotta soldier And so I go to Kelly It's been a war before I go Kelly Look if they're not in there

They're going to be in storage And that's going to be a hard find You've got a storage locker for some keys? Just the keys That's so funny You've got a storage locker for some keys? Just the keys. That's so funny. You've got a set of keys to get in to get your set of keys. Yeah, yeah. It's a full fruit plant.

Give me the smallest storage locker you've got. An envelope will do. We'll just keep it in this cabinet, shall we? That's $200 a month. Actually, can I just keep it in your lock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want a keychain? I'm not an idiot.

No. Why would I want that? So obviously we've got more shit in there, but I go, look, here's the thing. I reckon it's going to be in a blue itty bitty bin. So if you see that. What the hell is that? Oh, yes. Before your time.

Yeah. You used to have these things back in primary school. They were really big. Did you have one as a kid? No, I didn't, but I know of them. Yeah, they were pretty big and you used to get Posca pens and like colours of it and shit. They weren't as big as in popular,

but they were just tiny little bins. They're tiny. A little replica of a bin. The name would suggest it's a bit big. Were they the tech deck of their time? Yeah, yes, maybe. The little toy skateboard. Oh, yeah, a bit like that,

but I don't think... Yeah, they held pencils and shit. Okay, right. It is hilarious that you think, how easy were we entertained? So it's like a bin, but it's tiny and you can hold it. That's genius. We're going to make a fortune.

And they did. They did. Also, I keep my valuables in it. In what? A bin. Yeah, cool. A little big one. But it is very small.

Anyway, so Kelly goes to the storage and lo and behold, she finds a box and written on it, itty bitty bin. I had the foresight to write itty bitty bin in here because I think I keep some other shit in there that's kind of, you know... You've got your girlfriend to go across town. Across town?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's this... How far away is this storage locker? So we're in Collingwood. This is in... It's in Sorrento, the other side of the coast. It's in Anglesey. it's in Anglesey but it's just too far to walk

so you get your answer from Melbourne we'd already checked it can you come and check it I've been in the ocean I'm still drying off so she anyway

she finds the fucking key in this itty bitty bin so now she's got to drive all the way to Anglesey oh my god anyway this is brutal that's amazing commitment amazing commitment Anyway, she finds the fucking key in this itty bitty bin. So now she's got to drive all the way to Anglesey. Oh my God. Anyway, she fucking... This is brutal. That's amazing commitment.

Amazing commitment. We kind of time it. To the keys and the relationship. Yeah. Unbelievable commitment. In the meanwhile, I'm still trying to do my work with the fucking worst internet of all time. This has taken all day.

Is it a writing job, I'm assuming? Yes. And then she eventually comes down and it's sort of like, oh my God. I mean, you think I'm being calm. I'm like, she's going to be fucking furious. Fucking livid. But all the time I'm calling her, she seemed very calm, which is her nature. And she almost sounds like she's more than happy to do it.

To come to the beach. Yeah, anyway. And it turns out she gets there and we have a fucking... She gets there and what you do is you've come all the beach yeah anyway and it turns out she gets there and we have a fucking she gets there and what you do is you've come all the way down she goes well you go

we might as well go to the beach let's go to the beach so then I'm sitting there I've got my work to do I start doing work you go down at the very least you two get to go down

and have a little bit of beach time then you come back and go well that's been all very pleasant and then she goes so you've really checked everywhere and we go yeah and she goes

how about the couch so then she puts her hands in the couch And goes is these your keys Fuck me Absolute first place she looks This is infuriating It's infuriating

And I go to Carl Didn't you check the couch And he goes No I thought you had a check So I just did a quick do over It's the worst story I've ever heard I hate this I fucking hate this

This is like the biggest dude thing to do ever. I literally pulled cushions off that couch apart from that one corner. Your girlfriend is now officially a mum just because of this. She did the full mum look and we're just fucking two-year-olds. This is like maybe once a day I'll be walking around the house like, where the fuck is this thing? And I'll ask my girlfriend, and she's like, is that it there? And like, pointing

like, centimetres from where I'm sitting. Drives me fucking up the wall. I want to kill myself. I don't reckon I've barely been more embarrassed by the fact that we got your girlfriend to drive across town, then drive to Anglesey, and then come down and find it in the first place she looked, and then looked

at us, and we just go, ah. To be fair, she had a quick scale when she got there. She just went straight into it because she didn't trust us two at all. And then we went to the beach, came back. Oh, no, it was actually because you were in the sun just laptopping. And then we went, okay, well, we're going to head off. And then we go to head off and Kelly's like, one last look in this couch.

Why not? Just for shits and giggles. Or one first look. And then I just walk around to you in the sun and just hold them down like, oh, this is the worst feeling ever. Did you still rip off some zingers for sunrise? No, I was waiting for Kirby's enthusiasm. He's like, I've got the perfect idea for you.

She's official. I'm making her an honorary Carl comedy friend. Yeah. She loves you too, so that's great. Fuck, that is. I tell you what, your blind comedian friend is a barrel full of laughs. Carl is great. So neither of you had checked the couch.

You both thought the other one. I had checked the couch, but obviously hadn't checked all of the couch. I thought Carl had checked the whole couch. I just can't believe Carl shat himself on the couch, but obviously he hadn't checked all of the couch. I thought Carl had checked the whole couch. I just can't believe Carl shat himself on the couch. But the key to just coming out of your back passage. Fill up the crevice in the middle of that thing. It blew through the undies and the jeans. And was she mad?

No, she loved the time at the beach. She was like, I so needed this swim. I'm like, yeah. If this was like winter or just like a different part of the beach. She was like, she goes, I so needed this swim. I'm like, yeah. If this was like winter or just like a different part of the world. Right. Well, it was summer, but she was like,

she's from the Sunshine Coast, so she really misses that kind of, you know, she loves beach, she loves sun, loves to go in and we had a great time. It was good,

but she's a fucking trooper. To go to the storage and find it first of all is amazing. Yes. That is incredible. Jeez, you've set the standards low in your relationship, haven't you? But you know what?

She's still smiling at this point. You're like, great. To be fair, I've got her back. It happened the reverse way literally last week. She's going to do the dishes in the sink, and she goes, where's the plug? And I went, it's right there. Now we're even. Oh, yeah, that's equal.

Now we're even. You didn't even take a step. You were already standing there Yeah call it even Call it even I reckon And by the way At the start of the day I dropped my keys down there

If you could get them out for me love Oh yeah the plug's just in the itty bitty sink Just there Yeah the plug's in storage Didn't need it for a bit You know what though It was literally in the sink Next to the hole

I'm like You know this is This made me laugh so much. This was probably about a month ago. I caught up with Ollie and his partner. We were hanging out and you were telling me the story because we all have odd jobs here. Your hour's always all over the shop compared to normal. And your partner's lovely, has a civilian job.

Fair enough. Normal, you know... She's not in comedy. Not in comedy. That's hot I always do say Ollie's like a lady of leisure Like you'll do your work

But then you're like Full body massage for 90 minutes And you'll find him I'll find him down at Barclays Square And he's just coming down After a two hour massage $1 a minute massage You can't beat that shit

That's good Oh wow Did you have to keep feeding the meter? Yeah Well that was her name. Oh, Jesus. What were you feeding her? The meter.

God, you've got hands like butter. The meter. Who do you want this week? The meter. The meter. Only massaged by the meter how many meters

you got it's like pizza by the slice massaged by the meter but this is the thing she told me a story of like she comes back from work

had a full day at work was like oh I'm wrecked you know what I mean she's a lawyer she works tough you know big job yeah and Ollie. She's a lawyer. She works tough, you know, big job. Yeah, and Ollie, that afternoon,

decided a bit of pampering wouldn't go astray. So he sends a photo of him in the bathtub with suns on, and I'm talking three in the afternoon on a Wednesday. She comes home and he's used all the hot water. And in my mind mind Ollie's got the two towels on you know one sitting just over

the nipples just covering his torso and the other one holding his hair up cucumber over the eyes

welcome home babe have you found my keys yet how was your rape case oh my god the meter did

some amazing stuff it was pretty bad because I guess I rubbed it and she's working her arse off I literally sent her a video of me dropping in a bath bomb about to have a bath That's cruel That's so cruel

I can't find the plug though Dave knows this I'm a big fan of naps right I'll have that nap most days I would say and

I remember back in the Studio A days I had an alarm go off one big nap that was I mean most viewers

slept through it all yeah you were asleep trying to get the production staff yeah yeah most of the time I had an alarm go off like 3pm and Little was like what's that I went You were asleep trying to make a joke on the autocue something. Yeah, yeah, most of the time.

I had an alarm go off at like 3pm and Little was like, what's that? I went, oh, it's just my alarm telling me I can have a nap. Oh, no. Wait, you have an alarm to tell you to start the nap? Yeah, yeah. No, well, it's there to let me know if I want, I live the lifestyle where I can choose to have a nap if I want and now is probably not a bad time.

Three gives you enough time to then get up for a gig at night. Well, you know what's great nowadays is that everyday gourmet is on at about that time and I like to put that on as I nap. This is all coming into place and I don't know why I've never asked this before but are you a gigolo? He is the meter. A gigolo or a senior citizen It's like

I put everyday gourmet on I get back in the recliner And the mat just sends me off Ollie I do feel you though Because I Oh so you are a gigolo It does cost you extra

It costs you a lot You've got to feed the meter Yeah Yeah Yeah Sometimes you feed the meter And sometimes the meter feeds you Yeah

Yeah You're welcome Dave but you're going to have to get the key out yourself now time's up time to swap that ain't a key but

because I love a nap as well when I can but now that I've got two little kids it's always like responsibility gets in the way and I remember during Melbourne Comedy Festival

as we all know Monday's your day off where you can go tools down no shows on Monday I can spend the entire day in my tracksuit pants enjoying myself. And I did a bit of a nap and it was genuinely at 2 p.m. And I thought, I'll be up in time for the kid pickup.

And we have a thing, calling back to the street, we share pickup and drop-offs. So there's like four or five kids you've got to pick up when it's your day. Yep. And that's Monday for us. Your name is the Honeymooners. They were on pickup that day. Yeah. And I'm just going, well, I'm going to get up in time.

And then I just get up and it's 3.40. And it's 3.30 pick up. And I'm just like, shit. And I've just woken up and gone, you know, like 3.40. And I always remember around Comedy Festival, you know how Daylight Savings kicks in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you'll be out one night and then you're like, it's 3 p.m.

Oh, no, it's 2. No, it's 3 a.m. No, it's 2 a.m. Oh, well, I'm going to keep drinking. A bonus, yeah. I get a bonus out. So I've 3 p.m. Oh, no, it's 2. No, it's 3 a.m. No, it's 2 a.m. Oh, well, I'm going to keep drinking. A bonus, yeah. I get a bonus hour. So I've done a bit of, no, no, that's 2.40. And I'm like, oh, no, iPhones change their own time.

I haven't left that. And I've gotten up, bolted. The school's completely empty. You're also on the way. You've got to think of what your kids' names are going to be. All that stress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kippy.

Kippy. Get in the car, Gonzo. Get in. Yeah, yeah. You hop in your car, realise Oliver Clarke's car is in front of it and go, fuck.

All right. Got to get an Uber. Wait, off memory, I've got to check the ocean and arseholes. Wait a minute. This is weird that all this stuff happened in the story.

Callbacks to stories you hadn't even heard. So weird. Ahead of the game, Tommy. And then, but then I get there and I've just gone and I've got tracksuit pants on,

just a ratty T-shirt, and my face has got that, you know, you've just woken up, but the pillow's left you a bit squishy still. Same face you get from a massage as well. Totally. We'll talk about something you can relate to. Thank you.

I thought your massage face was something else altogether actually ecstasy followed by shame there's just drool coming out of my mouth that's a naughty meter and let it not be said I'm not quick on my feet when like the vice principals had to look after these abandoned kids and I'm like how did a meeting go long yeah nice

do you live in a skip? Yes, everyday gourmet ran like tonight. Are you doing a corporate? Let's say it's a corporate for Captain Snooze. Let's say that. Let's put it that way. Yeah, you've got the mark on your face like you're cosplaying as Two-Face from Batman. Yeah, I don't know if this is working out.

Although, why we're bringing up, and this isn't the best segue, however, I feel it's something I need to bring up. If we're talking about being possibly in strange shape or possibly sending off a strange message, I just want to bring, because we've got the pod, it's an opportunity to bring it up. I've had over the last few weeks a couple of times when I've called you Chandler and then you'll go,

it's like Chandler, a couple of rings and then you called you Chandler and then you'll go it's like Chandler couple of rings and then you go and you're like what's going on he goes I'm just going for a run and I'm like I'll call you back

he goes nah let's keep going you know why because he's not actually he's just eating chocolate he eats at a severe rate just nomming on that so quick and we've talked

to running a lot on this podcast of you shitting your pants when you go for a run and what not so I'm like there's a lot at play here you don't running a lot on this podcast of you shitting your pants when you go for a run and whatnot. So I'm like, okay, well, there's a lot at play here. You don't need a conversation to join this. And you're like, no, no, let's talk.

And then you'll be talking while you're panting for a good five minutes. Yeah. Is that when you take the pants off and join in? This is cheaper than the meter. But the weird thing is always fine is that you often run and then be like, And then he calms down Okay you've got

A new destination Then he's like I'm going out for lunch With Nazeem So I'll have to go now And I'm like Wait you've run to lunch Yes

Sweating like a dog Yes And then you catch up With someone Yes It's pretty funny Do you sweat at all Or do you

Yeah yeah yeah I'm a sweater Yeah And then you're happy To sit at a cafe Sweating balls I mean I'm happy sweater Yeah And then you're happy To sit at a cafe Sweating balls I'm happy Yeah

I think last week You'd run here And then I met you after And you were wearing Shorts and stuff And you'd run You used to do that A lot at my old house

We'd do a pod There's a One of my Living room chairs I had to throw out Drenched No Small apartment

Need the fumigation Tent But was that partly Because of his leaky bowels? Yeah, it's a full mix. The chair was covered in keys. He shattered another terracotta bowel. Looks like the wall in a hardware store, just fucking keys as far as the eye can see.

I feel like I go full business, like I'm real businessman style. It's like I'm one of those guys that's like taking the call as I'm running. I do do it quite a bit, but I get so used to it that I forget to explain sometimes and I get halfway through the call and it's someone I don't know and they're going, and they're getting weirder and weirder and I go, oh yeah, I'm running and they go, and they literally go, thank fuck for that. Good Lord. Good Lord. Good Lord.

Yeah, it's like someone ringing about, oh, what time does your comedy club open? Eight o'clock. Come down. Only a few tickets left. We should do one of these when you're on the run. Like we'll just do, maybe we could do like a Patreon bonus. Yeah. Where it's you on Zoom. Yeah. So you've just got the headset in. I'll just when you're on the run. Like we'll just do, maybe we could do like a Patreon bonus. Yeah.

Where it's you on Zoom. Yeah. So you've just got the headset in. I'll just record you from the Zoom call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll just chat to you. We'll do a bonus where you're running. Because I'm sort of like, I'm sort of big-headedly going,

no, I'm making a good time here. I don't want to stop for this call, you know. And I feel fit enough. I could probably get away with them not knowing. And then five seconds in, it's like, oh, this is fucking obvious. Yeah. Or something's going on. yeah um i i yeah i do remember taking a call from you the other day and it was like i'm going uphill at this point it's probably not the best like i

wanted to get off and he's like no no let's keep chatting going uphill i find conversation with thornton pretty easy yeah i wouldn't describe it as that Jesus Christ mate give and take you know I was doing a lot of the heavy breathing and lifting so yeah it's just funny and then the poor victim

who's then going oh we'll go for lunch with Carl this will be a good show sweet Jesus what are we doing let's sit inside what are you eating

I've lost my appetite strangely it was cold it was cold I It was cold. I don't think I was feeling too bad. And also, I was probably going to a restaurant that probably had its own odour happening. Oh, nice. Nice.

Hey, I'm just saying, everything has odours. Everything does. Because I live at the back, technically, of a Vietnamese roll shop. Yes. And it's a humdinger. Yes, one of the humdingers of Melbourne for sure. But at 8am sharp, I literally just hear the bashing of pork. Oh, right.

And so I walk out that back door and come nine o'clock. Fuck, you can hear me from down there, can you? Someone call Carl and tell him to stop. Oh, shit. For something so small, you must be bashing pretty hard. I think it's more of a piglet. But, yeah, the stench coming out of there is bizarre. But also, we noticed...

Yeah, it's just a cheese waft every morning. You need to clean, Tommy. You need to clean under the foreskin. Is that coriander? Spicy lettuce. Mind you, Ollie, you tell the guys about how I was on Smith Street and I was at a place and I was like,

oh, Ollie lives just behind this joint. I'll shoot him a text and, you know, we'll catch up. So the whole family's here. It was great. We went to the apartment. And then I said, oh, what happened with that break and entering that happened a couple of months ago? Yeah, good story.

So me, you and Wade Duffin, friend or foe of the show? Not sure. He's the husband of Claire Hooper, who is a friend of the show. Wonderful. No, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. Anyone who's married, we hate them. Right, yeah.

So we'd had a big night out, ended up back at my place and really quite drunk, blah, blah, blah. Duffo was ready to go. You were ready to go. You two hightailed it out. I must have kept watching or something. Went to bed. Kept watching what?

Whatever we were watching. There was something on the TV. We do have a penchant for watching bad action films. I was going to say, it just sounded weird. John Wick. You two kept watching. We're like, what? You just kept watching them leave?

What are you talking about? Sometimes the staff in the Vietnamese place stick around for the laughter shift action. Just to say, the flies, the size of the flies we get in our house are huge because of the pork.

No shit. Yeah. But they're slow. Right. So you can get them. Slow flies. Slow flies. They've got heartburn.

They mainly die of a heart attack before you get to them. But, so those two leave. I go to sleep. In the morning, Kelly, my girlfriend, goes, hey, did you move the cabinet here, the TV cabinet?

I went, no, why? She's like, it's like been pulled out. Oh, and all the power switches are turned off. I'm like, oh, that's fucking weird. What the fuck? Has someone broken in? And I went, oh, the back door's actually unlocked. But there's no way they can get,

there's barbed wire and shit. The front entrance has two or three gates you've got to get through. It's pretty hard to get into. It's sort of even weird to recognise there's a house there. Yeah, you can barely see that there's a house there.

But I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So we're like, well, nothing's been taken. The TV's moved a bit. Everything's there. Everything's still there. Anyway, let's put a report in to the cops anyway.

And they're keen because they're like, yeah, if someone's home while an intruder comes in, that's cause for alarm. If you're not there, they're not as, I think, busy on the thing. But if you're home and there's an intruder, they'll get on this pretty quick apparently. So the cops come around, fucking check it out. They're going, well, we might dust for fingerprints.

So they started dusting for prints just a little bit. What happened to those keys 18 months ago? I don't know who did this. Sounds like an unidentified flying object that's gone through the window. I better put this on the notice board. If only someone would give us their heads up on Facebook. Does anyone else have access to the keys?

Just the ocean at Anglesey. And whoever's got access to my itty bitty bin, of course. Someone broke into the ocean and stole my keys. That's right, officer. Like that hasn't happened before.

That's right, officer slash lifeguard. Be an ENS. Break and enter and swim. Put your keys between the flags, you idiot. And yes, my buttocks are called flags. Because after a session, they're usually red and yellow. I don't know what that means.

We're back. I don't know what that means. A lot of sand. Excuse me. So they're dusted prints. I say, okay, well, look, well, not much we can really do here, right? It's a bit bizarre. Anyway.

We're looking for shady characters in Collingwood. What do you do? Get out there, guys, and find them. You know, I guess I could ask local people for CCTV and all that shit, but they didn't really do much, essentially. There's not much you can do. They didn't take anything, so no harm, no foul. Really.

Well, they could have heard you upstairs, realistically. Well, yeah, and also the dog would have probably barked as well. So these people broke in and all they did was turn your power switches off. Well, that's what we thought. The energy-saving bandits. I got up during the night, maybe that was enough to scare them. Yeah, that is a very Collingwood thing. Energy-saving.

God damn it, they're wasting my old... The greens are breaking into your house. Yeah, yeah. Turn it, you're a pint of off. Someone installed solar. Yeah. It's no good. They emptied my recycling bin.

It's no good They emptied my recycling bin And so We noticed that on the barbed wire Had been like pressed in a bit So maybe they like Trampled on that Yeah right So fucking weird

And then I don't know I was talking to you I was talking to Wade And you're just like You sure it wasn't you? And I was like Nah it wasn't me Couldn't be

And then I don't know what happened. The penny just dropped. It's like, you know, you don't really remember the last half hour when you've been drinking. That's what I feel. It's like the last half an hour is mush. But then something might trigger it. That's right.

I stuck my keys in the couch in Anglesey. This last hour has painted the worst picture of your mental state. Or just me drunk, I guess. But it's like I went, oh, I think I know what's happened. Here we go. This is what has happened. I've gone. You two have gone.

I've watched a bit more TV and then I've switched the TV off. However. That's not enough. The sound bar, there's sound enough. the sound bar is, the sound's still coming out of it. Okay. And I've only just moved in, because this is Kelly's place,

I've only just moved in at this point. And I went, how the fuck do you turn this off? I think you've got to turn it off through the phone or whatever or something. I'm like, oh, fuck it.

So I shifted the cabinet out and I just switched everything off because I didn't know what was the sound bar. And I went, I will put that back and turn it on. Or, yeah, I'm going to have to turn it on in the morning. I won't bother putting it back. And then unlock the back door to be like, right, that's it. I'm working off wind power now.

Yeah, well, unlock the back door to give myself an alibi. Did you call the cops to be like, I'm sorry? Cancel the APB on this one. No, but the back door was obviously just locked because I was drunk. So you didn't call the cops back and say sorry? What do you do? What if they've arrested someone for moving your cabinet and they're in the chair right now about to fry?

I think I've told this on the... I can't I think I've told this on the I can't remember if I've told this on the pod or not but at my old house the soundbar issue yeah hang on what's

the soundbar like a you know a little speaker for your TV right yeah everyone's got them now but it still hums

does it does it still it was going no it was literally just playing the sound from the TV so that's where I was like oh this is just weird

what's the sound you've just got an external speaker often they're like so we've got one so you've turned the vision off but the sound there like Bluetooth So we've got one that's like So you've turned the vision off But the sound's still coming

Yeah And sometimes they're a bit Like ours Because it's Bluetooth Like a lot of You know sometimes Video killed the radio stuff How many times

Do we have to play that for you You're off I don't want to just listen This is stupid But mine Like it's connected to the TV And then everything else That it uses is just Bluetooth

So you can You know play stuff Off your phone on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my old house, one night, I'm in bed, like middle of the night. One I am. He's got saucy.

Must be nice. The Kanye West song, Stronger, starts playing through the soundbar at full volume, like so loud. And I pick up my phone, I'm like, what the fuck? Like someone else in my apartment building maybe has like the same model and has accidentally like connected. But it's like full volume.

It scares the shit out of me because at the time I was Jango. I was jacking off. I'm like mid-hand party, just all of a sudden. Looking for your own Kewpie mayonnaise. Music at full volume just starts playing. Keys right up there. I feel like, can someone see in? Turn them, turn them.

I'm like, can someone see in? Is someone doing this deliberately to like prank me because they could see that I'm like can someone see it is someone doing this deliberately to like prank me because they can see that I'm doing this but also stronger just giving you some encouragement

that don't kill me can only make me stronger disagree I feel fucking severely weakened by that should I be doing this to ends in in Paris

fuck it scared the absolute shit out of me not just like the vault but this like yeah really thinking like

gotcha this is like fucking god punishing did you cum I did I got up and I was like

I don't know I couldn't because I couldn't you know it's not playing from my phone so I couldn't turn it off

well you couldn't hold your phone because you had slippery hair you've already got the extra small condoms out exactly there's a lot of lube on them that's all they keep slipping Because I couldn't, you know, it's not playing from my phone, so I couldn't turn it off. Well, you couldn't hold your phone because you had slippery hands. You've already got the extra small condoms out to finish. Exactly. There's a lot of lube on there.

That's what they keep slipping off. I had to unplug. So I did the same thing. I just unplugged it because I didn't know what else to do. You moved the cabinet and you unplugged. I was a bit like, do I just go back to space? But what about the speaker? Stop talking about your butt plug. What about the speaker?

So then you called the cops, then you jacked off. I was too scared to go back to the act. Oh, really? Yeah. Officer, someone broke in. I feel vulnerable. You sure do look good in that uniform. Yeah.

Now, I'll talk you through what was happening when the sound came out. I was just doing this. Yeah. Yeah. So do a full inspect. Don't get the blue light out, but do a full inspection of the apartment. Look for prints. Handcuff me if you need. I think a full inspection of the apartment. Look for prints. Don't look too hard.

Hand cover if you need. I think you're going to need to dust this for prints. Looks like you're now the boys in blue bowls. Yes. Oh, yes. And I'm the boy that didn't blue. That's how you get the writing gigs. That's what I was writing in Anglesey that day.

Bad reception. I couldn'tey that day. Bad reception. I couldn't get that gag. All right. We'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Oliver Clark, Dave Thornton, thank you so much for joining us. Wonderful. What a treat. Oliver Clark, things to plug.

You've got your John Cox alter ego. Alter ego. Just a little blues side project. Blues rock side project. John Cox. Look it up on Spotify. J-O-N-C-O-X. Yes.

And that's you playing? Playing guitar and singing. So a lot of me wailing on guitar, but I love it. It's fun. Nice. Check that out. Check that out on Spotify

and of course the Oliver Clark stuff on Spotify music stuff as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good listening. Thank you so much. Thank you. I was showing my girlfriend your making muffins.

Oh, wonderful. It's still going strong. Yeah. Dave Thorne's in that one. Dave Thorne's in it you really committed 100% on that oh mate I was happy

for the call it was good finally a chance to be on YouTube you mean the YouTube yeah Mr YouTube yeah

I've seen that on TV it's famous it's amazing Dave things to plug oh please guess what I'm making it up to the Emerald City on the 26th of August It's famous It's amazing Dave, things to plug Oh please Guess what I'm making it up To the Emerald City

On the 26th of August Sydney At the Comedy Store Is that what it's called Yeah I didn't know that either I had to wait I was looking Yes I know what that is

Oh it's Sydney You're doing a gig Inside the Wizard of Oz Cool Yeah so be up At the Comedy Store Friday the 26th Tickets still on sale, still available.

So swing on by, Sydney Siders. One chance in Sydney to see Dee Thornton, one of the best going around. Is anyone at support? What's the deal there? No, full hour of Thornton. Can I get on all of a sudden? Yeah, but no, I didn't do the Sydney Comedy Festival, so come on down to this one. One night only, Sydney.

Yeah, nice. And so swing on through. And what do you know? I think it's a family friendly time off memory dinner and show or just show just show

well if someone's paying I'll have dinner after yeah dinner and show there's Nando's next door there's Nando's yeah just whack on about

15 bucks to the ticket price and yeah there you go end of man on stage yeah man I'm happy with it couple of tender strips thank you perry perry much Yeah, please. You're the man on stage. Yeah, man, I'm happy with it. A couple of tender strips. Thank you very, very much.

All right, it's not getting any better than that. Man, this is setting the bar of expectation way too high. My comedy can't get as good as this. So did you say barbecue expectation? No. We can cut that video. All right, guys. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. All four. And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie. Thank you. Kicked a big one. Right up my Kaiser. Fun times, fun times with two little fun friends. Very true.

Anything off the back of that to report? Not too much? It just happened mere moments ago. Yeah. Fun times, fun times with two little fun friends. Very true. Anything off the back of that to report? Not too much? It just happened mere moments ago. Yeah. And then we recorded a bit of extra Patreon episode content that you will hear if you are a subscriber, if you've signed up to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Yep.

If you've gone straight there, if you've gone to the links through, when you've gone to the website little dum-dum club.com on your way to buy some Club. Yep. If you've gone straight there or if you've gone to the links through when you've gone to the website littledumbdumbclub.com on your way to buy some merch. Yep. Or buy one of our albums, Tommy,

one of our stand-up comedy albums that you can find there. Yeah. You could do that. You could just go and do all your Christmas shopping right now at littledumbdumbclub.com. Dot are you?

No. No. No. You ask that nearly every time you say it. I know. It's something I never remember, even about my own website. Yeah. Fair enough.

Yeah. Now, just to flag something, we've had one of our classic days. We've done the app. We've done a couple of bonuses. Now we're doing this. I'm on an empty stomach. So the listeners at home, it's become a regular feature of Talking Dumb Dumb. But get ready for in about 45 minutes' time,

me to just start complaining about being hungry. So that's coming up later in the program. That's our guest this afternoon. Nice. That's something to look forward to. I looked ahead. I timed my run, and I got a couple of McMuffins on the way. A couple of McMuffins.

Ooh, lordy. Yeah. Nice. Not too bad. Straight up bacon and egg? No, I go the sausage Sausage and egg Me too

Yeah Don't touch the bacon in there Any additions Don't do the hash brown in there Nah Nah Look I know you rate the hash brown

But I absolutely do not Not for you It's on the bottom Of my potato food pyramid All of them Or just the Macca's ones And when I say the bottom That means you should eat the most of it. I guess so.

It's on the top of my food. Well, it's not a food. I mean. My potato food pyramid. But you're talking about rankings. Yes. And the food pyramid is like, here's the things that you should eat. Yeah.

On the bottom, you should eat the most of it. Yes. Yeah? Yes. Yeah. The top is the stuff you should eat least. Right. Yeah. Because that's the smallest point. Yeah? Yes. Yeah. The top is the stuff you should eat least. Right. Yeah.

Because that's the smallest point. Yeah, okay. I thought the top was like, this is top tier, this is best for you, this goes up here. No, because it's the smallest real estate. Ah, true. Yeah. All right. So you're saying the hash brown's up the top of your pyramid?

Yes, of my potato food pyramid. Yes, okay. And then down the bottom, the forms of potato that one should have the most. Yes. I mean, that is funny because potato that one should have the most. Yes. I mean, that is funny because it's literally all the same stuff. Yes. But being like, this is the style of potato that you should have the most. Yeah.

Well, none of it. You shouldn't have nearly any potato. No. But this is what I think I should have. Yeah. Rather than what anyone else tells me I should have. Yeah. Yeah.

So you had a run, two McMuffins. You're sitting pretty. Yeah. Rather than what anyone else tells me I should have. Yeah. Yeah. So you had a run, two McMuffins. You're sitting pretty. Yeah. And I got myself a bit of Aldi chocolate that was vaguely referred to on the show as well. Okay. As a little bit of breakfast dessert. I made a smoothie and I fucked it so badly. I normally put some sort of like a vitamin supplement in there and I didn't have the

like sachet stuff. So I just took like a tablet and in there and I didn't have the like sachet stuff so I just took like a tablet and like crushed it up and thought oh this would be fine I've done this before with just a you know vitamin pill took a swig it was the bitterest most nasty thing I've ever tasted got my girlfriend to have a sip and then she was like what did you put in I'm like just one of the like all the normal stuff I put in plus one of those pills and she's like yeah it's that pill has just fucked this smoothie up so straight down the drain this was moments before you guys coming around so tried to line the stomach and i'm fucking i've really played myself here yeah try to do the right thing get some vitamins in there yeah i was on those

smoothie things for all i forget what happened i think mid lockdown i got i got i got sick of being locked in and drinking dog shit. You're doing like protein smoothies? Yeah, right. No, this is just like a bunch of fruit and some coconut water and stuff. But just you put a little sachet of a little vitamin supplement in there. Just give your immune system a little bit of boost. Chuck a shitload of ginger in there.

Fucking beautiful. But not today. Well, what are you thinking about afterwards? What are you going to get? Fuck. I have no idea. I have to go and... Because it's going to be the tricky time. By the time we finish this,

it might be touching three o'clock. Three o'clock, definitely three o'clock. Bad time. Bad time. I've got to also go out and pick up my girlfriend's birthday present from somewhere nearby and then I've got to go to my studio

and post some stuff off. So I guess I'll just be roaming the streets waiting to – So is there any restaurants next to Club X or what do you think? Is that where my studio is or is that where I'm picking up my girlfriend's birthday present from? Because both work. I don't mind. Both are pretty funny.

Yeah, I don't mind. Got a little workspace, no big deal. Just a little booth in Club X where I do my work, where I do my paintings. A few nice canvases coming up. A few bit of Jackson Pollock

sort of work out the back there. You've really got to squint to see the white on the white canvas but it's there. Fuck, someone,

there's surely somewhere in the world where there's been a... Blue poles. Blue poles, as in I blew all over this. Yeah, I bet there's some kind of fucking disturbed artwork out there

that's like a fucking come on. Absolutely. Yeah. Probably the second painting ever made. I went to the Picasso exhibition the other day. Oh, did you? Yeah. It's got a bright future, that guy.

How did he go? How's he going these days? He's going all right. He's going all right? Yeah, he's going all right. He's done alright. He's going alright? He's going alright. He's done some, I'm prepared to say it, he's done some good paintings.

Oh yeah? He's got some fucking good ones up there. He's up there. It's funny walking around that exhibition and being like, they've got all this Picasso stuff and just, like I started getting obsessed

with trying to think in my head, how much would this exhibition be worth? Right. Like if someone came in and flogged everything from it, what kind of value are we talking about? Someone came in and did a bit of a fucking Weeping Woman times 50. Yeah.

Tracked it all at the... Where did they... Remember that thing? So someone stole a Picasso in Melbourne about 35 years ago maybe? Something like that? Maybe 40 years ago. I actually don't remember this. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe 35 years ago. Someone flog remember this yeah yeah maybe 35 years ago someone flogged Weeping Woman by Picasso okay and then Melbourne was on red alert there for a week or two

and then cops out the front of every cash converters yeah yeah yeah because it is that classic thing it's like well yeah then what do you

what do you do with like you steal it because it's worth a lot of money yeah but then how the fuck do you get rid of it yeah it's like

they just it was the cops lining up at the newsagents first thing every Wednesday getting the trading posts. Nah, nah, nah, not this one. Meanwhile, at the front of the NGV, they've just got a photocopied printout of the CCTV. Do not trust this man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoplifter alert.

Yeah. Just stuck to the wall with the water running down it. So it's all like shriveled and like wrinkled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoplifter alert. Yeah. Just stuck to the wall with the water running down it, so it's all, like, shriveled and, like, wrinkled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just this guy with, like, a goatee and a beret. Do not serve this man. Yeah, so it got flogged. It got absolutely hocked.

And then I think about a week or two later, it was that thing where, you know, a lot harder to get rid of fucking shit back then, especially shit like that. And, uh, weird, like literally what would you do?

Like, would you just have to find someone who's got the money and just wants to have it in their house? I assume that it's always that thing where there's some millionaire slash billionaire crims. Right. That are under the radar, especially these days, some fucking Bitcoin dealer or something like that. Someone that's like not Bill Gates, not fucking Elon Musk,

someone who's under the radar. You can't ever have visitors that are snitches because they're going to come in and go, oh, that's that stolen painting. Absolutely. No, it's a replica. Yeah, all that sort of stuff. I did that. Someone under the radar. I covered it. Yeah, yeah. All that sort of stuff. I did that.

Someone under the radar. I covered it. Yeah. Someone under the radar is just doing that. Which, yeah, I imagine that must be a fucking pain in the ass to go, what a cool thing to show off to no one ever. Yeah. I mean, it would be like you flog the painting and you get away with it

and you're like, fuck, how good does this feel? We've done it. Yeah. And then just being like, oh, hang on. Yeah. The hard work has just begun. Yeah. Now we've got to. What do we do with the Statue of it. Yeah. And then just being like, oh, hang on. Yeah. The hard work has just begun. Yeah. Now we've got to.

What do we do with the Statue of Liberty? Yeah. Yeah. It's a rough one. So back then, I think it would have been even harder. So without the internet. Yeah. It's made everything a lot easier.

Everything dodgy a lot easier. That's for sure. So I think they just, I think they came to their senses and went, ah, fuck. We thought this was going to be pretty easy. I tried my next door neighbor. He said no. Yeah. I'm all out of ideas.

So then I think the cops got hit up and told, yeah, we've just left it in the Flinders Street Station locker. Locker 69. Go and check it out. It's pretty cool. They just rolled it up and chucked it in the locker, which is just down the road from the art gallery. I mean, that's a good bit.

If you just like, you don't evened it in the locker, which is just down the road from the art gallery. I mean, that's a good bit if you just like, you don't even leave it in the locker. You just go into like the, yeah, the walkway, the underground bit that leads into Flinders Street Station. Late at night, no one around. You've just got like a hammer and a nail. Yeah. Like bash a nail into the wall and just hang it up.

Yeah. This belongs to everyone now. Go into the Dunnies. Yep. Close the door, cubicle door, put it in the little snap lock bit there where there's an ad there to get rid of your... Oh, for Beyond Blue. Yeah, yeah.

Hypodermic needles, whatever. Beyond Blue period. Yeah, yeah. Where I've put the Brett Blake exhibit in the Basement Comedy Club. Still up? I believe so. As in, the manager came and went, why the fuck is this picture in the toilet?

And I said, just leave it. It's funny. What did it go on? Would I assume it's covering like an ad for fucking, you know, Wednesday steak night

or something like that? something like that. It's been like, this is, I don't know, this had better be some joke. Yeah. If this is getting in the way

of people knowing about the $25 steaks on a Wednesday night. It is just the worst form of... You know what? I copped out the other day. I was going to start a gig somewhere else, a regular show. And part of that negotiation is like, you need a bit of exposure, a bit of advertising,

a bit of whatever. And their contribution was this. Yeah, you can put your poster in the SnapLock poster thing in the cubicle, in the toilet cubicle, in the men's. And that was their one concession of advertising. And I said, I don't know how many people we're getting from that ad. And I don't know if we want the people that are taking a shit and go, that looks good.

Didn't you say the urinal? Oh, you said the cubicle. The cubicle. Oh, okay. So I was going to say the urinal, I mean, that's high traffic. A men's urinal versus a women's cubicle is going to get more eyeballs on it. I reckon the opposite. I reckon you're sitting down, pressure's off.

Who gives a fuck? Having a little, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just looking forward. You can do whatever you want. You're taking a piss next to other men. You're at the urinal. You're looking down. You're saying, can I suck that person next to you?

Yeah. Can I put a cup down there quickly? Yeah. Gather the stranger's piss. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Drink it. Yeah. All of this is yummy.

Yeah. I'd like to drink that. I'd like to suck on that. I wish that was cum instead of piss. Comedy. Nothing funny about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is...

Sorry, I'm trying to work right now. I'm thirsty. So there's a lot of things going on when you're at the urinal. So I think actually that's a bad ad. Okay. Just there. Right. So anyway, these people's one.

So that was their concert. So one poster in the whole venue. Yes. In the men's tour. Yes. And I said, no, thank you. And so, yeah, back to the drawing board, back to the deal table. Anyway.

So this is an ongoing negotiation or were you like, I walk? Yeah, no, it was an ongoing negotiation. Yeah, we went back and forth a little bit. So we'll see what happens. But yeah, I think their other one was, oh, how about this? How about we put up a poster in this other room? This room that people don't go into and they don't turn the lights on. Again, that's going to have to be a soft

and a hard no from me. Well, if they spring for the glow-in-the-dark ink, that could be good. That's really going to stick out. How many times do you walk inside a dark room in a pub on purpose with the lights on? If I heard there was a cool glow-in-the-dark poster in there,

I'd be in there like a flash. All right, so all of a sudden my ad is going to be the main exhibit in a pub. Yeah. Go inside the dark room and check out the glow-in-the-dark poster. Yeah. Am I trying to attract six-year-olds into this pub? Well, I don't know.

You tell me. What kind of gig is this you're putting on? Well, it's the Wiggles comedy show. Okay, right, right. The Wiggle Hour. Yeah, Captain Feathersword's head know. You tell me. What kind of gig is this you're putting on? Yeah, well, it's the Wiggles comedy show. Okay, right, right. The Wiggle Hour. Yeah, Captain Feathersword's headlining. Oh, yeah. Dorothy's doing support.

So, it should be good. I would have had that around the other way. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Dorothy's the headliner for sure. Most people, if they don't know much about the Wiggles, they definitely know Dorothy. I don't think Dorothy could follow Captain Feathersword

because Dorothy's not saying much. That's true. Feathersword's doing a lot of fucking yap-yap. So you've got a great act with dynamite observational gear. Dinosaurmite. Oh, nice. And then a mime comes out immediately afterwards. Yeah.

It's like, fucking no. I don't know. You know, yeah. Could be worse. Mime could be MC. That's true. Yeah. How's anyone going to know that it's their time to come on?

How's anyone going to know what people in the audience do for a living yeah acting out like a mime just trying to like convey with actions welcome to the stage your next act and they're just like yeah and then like all the comics off stage being like which one which one of us is it a mime pointing at audience members and then trying to act out their job what they do for a living oh yeah or the way no the way they get the acts onto the stage right you're standing pointing at audience members and then trying to act out their job, what they do for a living. Oh, yeah. Or the way they get the acts onto the stage, right? You're standing there side of stage. And the mime MC, they've got the fucking lasso. Oh, yeah.

Just, like, throwing it around you and then, like, pulling you onto stage with the rope. I thought it might have been a bit more, like, semaphore. Like, you know, like a – well, no, what do you call it? Is it semaphore? When you're trying to get the planes into land? Oh, yeah, I don't know what it's called. Something else.

Someone else fucking told us. The person who stands on the runway? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever that shit is. Yeah. That's what Dorothy the Dinosaur is doing with a couple of fucking paddle...

Bringing the comedian into land. Yeah, with the table tennis bats. Yeah, nice. I don't mind that at all. Yeah. What a great show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub

if you would like to fund this rot that we're on with. And also get two bonus episodes every week. Always special guests. Quite often people who've just done the main episode sticking around to do another half hour with us.

But yeah, if you get on now, you can get access to the entire backlog of about 250 plus episodes at this point. So very, very worth your investment. And not only that, you go into the draw to get your name read out in this segment of the show,

immortalized in the Stuart Hall of Fame. Yeah. One day, I mean, you know, look at what has happened to Stuart Hall. He's become part of the furniture around here. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cap off the rank this week. Thank you to listener Jason Freeman.

Okay. So it's a free man, but it's not a free podcast. We're charging you for it. That's true. Imagine Jason Freeman commits a horrible crime. Imagine. What sort? Let's say like murder.

Right. And he definitely did it. That's bad. And he goes to court. And the jury finds him guilty. Yeah. Guilty on all counts. Yeah.

And the judge just looking at him being like, this is pretty fucking ironic, isn't it? Jason. Free man. Oh, free man. Right. Not for long. Hey, not for long. If you're a judge, I know they're generally pretty stern and pretty serious, but you'd

like to think even the most hard edge judge is like, this is too much fun. Yeah. I got to have my time with this. Is that him? Is that him? Like every, whenever it happens, you know, happens, you know, when you apply for parole or whatever, at those meetings or whatever, every year it comes up and it's like, okay, so what's your justification this year?

The surname? Look at the driver's license. Same as last year? I rest my case. I'm just hoping this year you actually appreciate the irony of it. The judge being like, I thought it was pretty good when I put away Johnny Locked Up last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this isn't,

that pales in comparison to this. Yeah. So, look, here's hoping you never kill a man and you have to get into that position, Jason Freeman. I'm going to go on further than that and say here's hoping

you haven't also previously killed a man because that would be bad. Yeah, I guess. Let us know. What's done's done, in my opinion. I'm not so worried about that, but I'm just hoping for no freshies.

The past is the past. Yeah. You can't control that. No. But you can control the future. Yes. Please, Jason, if you woke up this morning being like, you know what? Stop killing people.

This is the day I finally do it. Yeah. You know, listen to your friends. Listen to your employees at the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Technically, your employees. If you've got a bunch under your belt already, this is your intervention. You've had your fun. This is your intervention.

Yep. Stop killing people. Please. That's a good sketch. Intervention for a murderer. And then just everyone ends up dead. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all right. It's no funny fellas, but it's... You don't think so? I don't think... It makes too much sense. Yeah. It sounds like a normal comedy sketch. Yeah.

What's an element we could add to it to make it more funny fellas? I would say... Because intervention's a good... It's a good sketch premise. Right. You know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a twist on an intervention is like a good starting point.

Maybe like an intervention for someone who's addicted to sex, but like the guy's in an orgy and that's how they got them there. So they're all fucking this guy and then they're like, this is actually an intervention. You're addicted to sex. Right. And you've really got to stop after we all come inside you. Right.

This has got to be the last time. But so they're all sex addicts. No, no, no. They're not all. They're just doing it for the sake of like... That's how they lure him in. Yeah. Right. This has got to be the last time. But so they're all sex addicts. No, no, no. They're not all. They're just doing it for the sake of like... That's how they lure him in. Yeah. Right.

That's the... Like, okay. So they're like... The start of it is before he gets there. And they're like, no, just so you all know. Yeah. The only way we could convince... He's so deep in.

Yes. That the only way we could get him to agree to hang out with us, our friends, is to say that it was an orgy. So we are all going to have to start sucking and fucking before he turns up. And especially once we connect into him, he can't run away. Yes, right. As soon as he walks in the door and you go, surprise, intervention, he runs straight out of the door.

People in interventions usually lash out and start abusing the friends who've tried to hold the intervention. And he can't do that if he's got a cock in his mouth. Yeah. If he's on the spit. Yeah. Probably not to put them in his ears because you've got to hear the message that they've got for him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Normally we'd be right up for that. But just for this day only, ears are off limits. So they're all fucking him from all directions, all holes. And the good thing is he's more liable to listen to it as he's enjoying himself. So he's there. He doesn't really want to run away. He's enjoying what's going on.

He's got a bit of a sensory overload. He's like, this is exactly what I want. Well, who wants to walk out on that? So then he's listening and then they sort of say to him, look, I know this is great. This has got to be the last time. This has got to be the last time. Yep. Yep.

And then, I don't know. I've got an alternate pathway for the sketch. Okay. The friends all start up the orgy. Yeah. And it's just going for ages yeah and because it's the funny fellas we just see it's just like a porno for 40 minutes and then all of a sudden like there's just like a full porno right calm everywhere

all of it not a lot of laughs and then it's like one of them goes he's not coming is he oh yeah i forgot to tell, he couldn't do today. Oh, right, he never even turned up. So they just start having the orgy and the guy they're intervening on just never shows up. Right, right. So in your version of the sketch, they start without him. They all just start fucking each other. Yeah, well, if he comes in and there's no orgy, they think he's going to get sus.

The orgy's got to be in motion when he gets in. So he's got to walk in and there be an orgy and that's the they think he's gonna get sus they're like the orgy's gotta be in motion when he gets right so he's gotta walk in and there'll be an orgy and that's the only way we're gonna keep him in the room because otherwise he'll smell a rat and he'll or maybe the punchline is so that'll happen so they fuck for 40 minutes and then finally he walks in and they go and the guys all go hey it's the intervention and he's like what and they're like you know to stop you from having sex all the time he's like man i'm a virgin and then they all turn around to look at the guy who, like, came up with the idea for the intervention. Yep. And he's like, oh, sorry, guys.

I was just horny. Oh, I misheard. Yeah, that's pretty good. All right. Okay, that's a funny, fellas. We could just kind of do, like, all three or four versions of it. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter. No one's watching.

Who cares? Because we've always said it's going to be like Little Britain where there's just like a lot of the, you know, they had, you saw the first episode of Little Britain and even people that liked it at the time. First step, they were like, it's pretty cool. It's pretty funny. Right. And then the next week it's like still the same characters making the exact same jokes.

Right. So we have a bit of that going on. So we've got gay porn happening for 40 minutes every episode. Every episode. Yeah. Right. Okay.'ve got gay porn happening for 40 minutes every episode. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yep.

And the episodes are 41 minutes. So we have enough time to just wedge one other really, we have the masturbating bush in there for just like a quick 60 seconds. We have what else? Doctor. Doctor. Doctor bitch. Stone Santa.

Right. Yeah. What else? They all get a one minute sketch each a week and they have to rotate around the 40 minutes. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. What else? They all get a one-minute sketch each week and they have to rotate around the 40 minutes of... Yeah. Right. Okay.

40 minutes of porno. Right. Okay. All right. Thanks, Jason Freeman. Thanks, Jason Freeman. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mark Taylor. Okay.

All right. Former Australian cricket captain. Mm-hmm. Oh, this is him. Well, let's say it is. Yep. This is one of the first Australian cricket captains that has subscribed to our Patreon. After the Chappell brothers, after Victor Trumpeter, and after the great Don Bradman.

Oh, really? Yeah. He still subscribes? He still subscribes. Yeah. Wow. He subscribes for $99.94 a month. Nice. Yeah. He still subscribes. He still subscribes. Yeah. Wow. He subscribes for $99.94 a month. Nice.

Yeah. Something for the cricket fans out there. Not something for the humour fans out there. Sometimes I said something on the pod the other week that Greg really enjoyed, and then a couple of people who listened messaged me about, and they were like, no one else in the room got it. And I was like, sometimes you like no one else in the room got it and I was like sometimes you gotta

bomb in the room to service the fucking nymphs that are listening what was well what so that was a cricket thing what was your thing

mine was a reference to the Nathan Fielder show the rehearsal that I knew Greg had seen so I said something that was from that and he really enjoyed it and I just went

there's a there's a small percentage of people at home that are fucking lighting up over this. Much like your cricket reference just then. A few people fucking swerving all over the lanes in the car going like, fucking hell, I can't believe how funny that was. Yeah, I think it was more like one of those ones where it was like, yep, that works, sort of.

Technically. Technically. That's in there. Good for you. No one can take it away from me. Can't knock that. Nothing wrong with it. Yeah. Technically. That's in there. Yep. Good for you. No one can take that away from me. Can't knock that. Nothing wrong with it. Yeah.

There is that style of comedy that's like, you know, you can say that it's not funny, but you cannot deny that it technically adheres to the structure of a joke. You can't say it's incorrect. Yeah, exactly. It's like a, that one is like one of these ones where I happen to find. You're sitting on your chocolate, by the way. Damn. I find it's a little bit like this.

In a writer's room for a TV show, this is how I find it sometimes. There will be people that are stand-ups and there will be people that aren't stand-ups. And the writers that aren't stand-ups tend to write a joke like that and go, there you go, off you pop. Say that out loud in front of an audience. Yep. And the rest of us go, don't do that. It's technically there. It's technically there like how I learned to write it in 1995.

It's like, yeah, no, no, no, that's a joke. It's like, well, you go and say it then. Oh, no, not for me, thanks. Yeah, yeah, I stopped doing that a long, long time ago. I started getting this work and then I hung up the boots. I don't know. What would you hang up if you were quitting stand-up? You don't really hang up the mic because the mic is still there.

I hung up the... I hung up the flannelette shirt. Oh, yeah, you hung up the mic. You just don't come back and pick it up again. But the mic... Comedy keeps going. Yeah. But you hang it up.

I hung up the flannelette shirt. Okay. I've got a flannelette shirt on. The first time I've owned a flannelette shirt for a long, long, long, long time. Is this a new flanny? It is a new flanny. Nice. But I haven't done comedy in it.

Do they? Yeah. Yes, Tommy. That one that you're wearing. Yes, Tommy. What I would like to know. Are you asking a question? What I would like to know. You've got a question. About that particular thing. I'll answer anything. You'll answer anything. Yes, Tommy. What have you got to say? Are you asking a question? What I would like to know

You've got a question. about that particular frame. I'll answer anything. You'll answer anything. Yeah, AMA. Do you know a lot about the AMA. Do you know a lot about the Flanny

and like the people who made the Flanny? Not much. I just bought it in a shop. So no, I don't have a lot of the history of it. Oh, right.

Yeah. You don't know a lot about their other products? I just Other things that they might make? No, no, no. You didn't get a good look around the shop? I was in the shop. I just... Other things that they might make. No, no, no. You didn't get a good look around the shop.

I was in the shop. I looked around at the section that I thought I might be suitable for. Grabbed this. Yeah, right. I thought, oh, this will look good on me. It'd be something different. You didn't look what section of the shop you were in when you grabbed it? I mean, I just assumed I was in the right section.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you'll be able to answer my question about it then. Okay. Should you try anyway or should we move on? Well, maybe i'll just try anyway i'll try anyway okay what's his name now that yeah could be on the funny fellas yeah sort of again i think more of something that someone who doesn't do comedy would pitch in a room that could just be like people are saying that to each other.

We just kind of hear that off screen during the big orgy. Right. During the 40 minutes of rooting. Right. There's just like chatter kind of happening. So is it like the Grand Theft Auto thing where you can find the Ricky Gervais set within the game? So you can find this little bit within the orgy that's happening. Yeah.

Within a comedy show. Yeah. Okay. They announced the other week that there's a, that they're i mean this wasn't a surprise to anyone but they are working on the next installment of grand theft auto it's exciting to think what what stand-up are they going to have in there that will date terribly what sort of uh edgelord are they gonna are they gonna whack in there what sort of uh telling it like it is yeah yeah yeah well that would or if they going to whack in there what sort of telling it like it is

yeah yeah yeah or if they just be like you know what we've learnt that the humour that we have in these games dates terribly so we don't want to

try and be too edgy so you're just driving around running over prostitutes and listening to Nanette yeah yeah that's that would be awesome and it gets me being hit up by Rockstar being like we want to licence Yeah, that's... That would be awesome.

Anna Gadsby being hit up by Rockstar, being like, we want to license the audio from Nanette to put it in Grand Theft Auto 6. I will not be treated this way anymore. That's a good get. All right. That would be good. That's a good get. All right. That would be good. That's like her, you know, when Jerry Seinfeld did I'm Telling You for the Last Time.

Yep. That's her version of that. I'm putting this material to bed through the form of Grand Theft Auto. Oh, fuck yeah. That would be good. That's so sick. Thanks, fuck yeah. That would be good. That's so sick. Thanks, Mark Taylor. Thanks, Mark.

How are you on the hungo meter? Oh, my God. Well, I've had... We went for a little walk and I got a... I've had a second coffee for the day on a fucking empty stomach. So I'm feeling fucking wired as, bro. Not good for you. We're going to get out of bad time. Things aren't open for lunch anymore.

Three o'clock. No. And a lot of places around here, well, there's a lot of places around here that are A, only open for lunch, or B, if they do the both, they're taking a little break in between. Yes, absolutely.

They're taking the three to five, have a little nap out the back. Awful time. Do some prep. Awful. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Dylan Egan. Okay.

Dylan. D-I-L-L-O-N. Ooh. Not the D-Y-L-A-N. I think I prefer this one. Did you ever read, and if you are not familiar with this at all, this is going to sound like an insane thing that I've made up, the comic book Dart and Dill.

No. It was a comic book, Da and Dill. No. It was a comic book that you could only get in show bags at the Royal Melbourne Show. So they would, it's like, you'd get a new one like once a year. And it was this kind of like weird, like Australian made comic book. Oh. About these two,

it was these two, it's kind of a cool premise. It was these two characters that were wearing like face masks that claimed to be aliens, and they had this friend of theirs that they would just torment. So every story was like, hey, how are we fucking with our little nerd friend today? But I always thought, even at the time, being at the right page for it,

it was like, this is such a bizarre method of distribution of a comic book. In a show bag, once a year. distribution of a comic book in a show bag once a year that is that is very that is giving me very remainder remainder bin vibes that's like them just trying you know because i think a lot of show bags uh if you're not australian look up the phenomenon of show bags i believe it's a pretty purely australian is it really yes Yes. Travelling, yeah, like carnival, I guess. Yes. And you can buy these little bags that are themed that have like, you know, there'll be lolly themed ones

that have all the different chocolate bars and stuff in them. And then there would be like a, you know, a Ren and Stimpy one that comes with a little fucking frisbee and a toy. But also any Splickleby chocolates that have got nothing to do with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just that thing where it's like, okay, there must be some deal where it's like, all right, guys. We've got a deal for one billion fucking lollipops. All right, well, they're going in the fucking He-Man show bag for some reason.

Yes, yes. And this is such an of-its-time thing. There'd always be like a month out. There'd be a day where in the paper there'd be a lift out of a listing of all the show bags. Yep. And just kind of going through and your parents being like, now you've got like a, you know, whatever, $10 budget for the show. You know, pick out what you want.

Because the ones with the good toys in them would be like more expensive. You know, you've got your famously your Birdie Beetle show bag, $2. So you can go in, you can get a fuckload of chocolate or you can use up some of that budget on a cool little toy, a little Frisbee. But fuck, going through that guide with a little highlighter, trying to work out what you wanted. Just awesome stuff. Yeah, yeah, very good.

Because it would also tell you exactly what's in all of them as well. Yes, that's what I, yeah, yeah. The breakdown of like five ex-warheads. Yeah. Even back then as a kid, I would be going through going, yeah, cool, so I'm getting a Knight Rider show bag. Why does that involve seven packets of Hubba Bubba? I don't remember Michael Knight ever fucking blowing any bubbles while he's driving around.

They'd always be. They were mostly for kids. And then there'd be just a couple of real premium ones that were for adults that were like, for $50, you can get the better homes and gardens show yeah and it comes with this month's magazine and a subscription yeah and like a fucking you know like a high end like a like a wine you know like a bag for wine or some shit like that yeah where it was like i always wanted like any fucking adults getting in on this i can't picture it yeah i remember like that that. Like that thing when you're growing up

or you go to the show as a kid and then you're like, oh, the show sucks. That's for kids. And then you get to go back as an adult and you go, oh, this is cool again. But I'm not a kid anymore. This was me years ago.

I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not getting any show thanks. I'm just going to be a grown up and go and eat six pieces of cheese on toast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a Patreon episode where we went with Greg Larson and Ben Russell and we recorded ourselves at the Royal Melbourne Show and we snuck the recorder into the haunted house

that was sponsored by, at the time, radio duo Jason PJ. Yes. And we all got genuinely a bit scared in there. Yes. In fact, we got lost at one point and a guy holding a fucking chainsaw had to come out and point us in the right direction. He was scaring us and he had to break character to go, man, get the fuck out of here. I've got other people to scare.

We genuinely were getting really freaked out. Yeah. And I like, because I just kind of had the recorder like in my jumper and I didn't know if any of the audio was, know salvageable if you could make out any of what was happening and then and then listening back to it i fucking lost my mind when i could just hear the sound of a chainsaw going off and then greg going why would jason pj do this to us that was that was a very funny thing because, again, very much a thing where it's like, okay, this exists already.

We just need a sponsor for it. Jason PJ in the morning. A breakfast radio duo sponsoring a haunted house is like there's just no – there's absolutely no reason for that to be on there. It's already in the show. Why does it need sponsorship? I'll tell you what the secret sound is, me shitting my pants. Yeah. We were there being like, this is going to be on there. It's already in the show. Why does it need sponsorship? I'll tell you what the secret sound is. Me shitting my pants.

Yeah. We were there being like, this is going to be so lame. Bit of a laugh. And it truly was really fucking scary. Well, that's the scariest thing is fucking people dressed up and running at you in the dark. It's like, what's scarier than that? Nothing.

It's like pitch black, narrow corridors. And it's often that thing where it's like the anticipation of the scare is worse than the scare. Yes. You're going around a corner and you're like, Ah, there's going to be some fucking theatre student here. Yeah. He's going to mess with me. Yeah.

Ugh. No, it's too much. No, thanks, Jason PJ. Yeah, it's too much. That's a name of someone. That should be a name of someone. Jason PJ. Jason.

Yeah. Last name, PJ. PJ, yeah. Jason PJ. Jason. Yeah. Last name PJ. Don't mind it. Yeah. Who are we up to? Dylan Egan. Yeah. Thanks, Dylan.

Well, thanks, Dylan. D-I-double-L-O-N. Thanks, Darton, Dillon, Egan. Oh, yeah. That's how we got there. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Wow. I'm not sure if we've ever had this on the show before.

I thought you were saying this person's name was... This person's first name was Wow. No, that would be good. Damn. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber, Dylan Shea. Back to back Dylans. Back to back Dylans. Yeah.

Double Ds. Did you ever read that comic book at the Melbourne show, Darned to the Same Riff? It's spelled different. D-Y-L-A-N. Now, in my head, this is the true Dylan. Don't you think? Yeah.

I'm just saying I like the other one better. Because I think I know why. What? It makes you think of Dylan, Texas. Home of the Dylan Panthers. No. But now that you say that, it has made me like it more. Doesn't hurt.

Yeah. No, Dylan to me growing up was just that thing of like, oh, this is a very attempted cool guy name. Okay. That's what it was to me. You know what? We've talked about this on, I don't know, on Bonus Ep or Main Ep or whatever. The whole cliche of how weird names are these days

and whatever. Oh, people are called Vogue and whatever. I reckon back then when I was a kid, Dylan was like a different sort of a name. That was your breakouts from fucking Tom and Dylan and whatever. So, yeah, okay. So you think that's the parent being like, my son is going to be fucking cool.

Yes. I'm going to give him this name and make him cool. This kid is going to come out and he's going to have fucking sunglasses on before the umbilical cord gets ripped off. So do you think it's... And do you think that's predominantly influenced by Bob Dylan? I would say that's...

The archetypal cool guy of that era? That's where it starts, I'd say. Yeah. Because people just refer to him like shorthand. People go, oh, I love Dylan. Yep. No one ever goes, you know who my favourite musician is? Bob.

Bob. Bobby. You know Bob? Yeah. The famous guy Bob. Bobby. The cool guy musician Bob. Yeah.

No. Yeah. Bob definitely gets overlooked in the shorthand. He's overcome immense odds there to still be cool. Yeah. Yeah, you almost overlook the Bob, don't you? But again, that's why I can see why that's why that makes Dylan an appealing cool guy name to a parent. Because it's like Dylan has managed to overcome Bob in order to make that guy cool, which is like pretty insurmountable odds.

That is a very good point. I can't think of another cool Bob. which is like pretty insurmountable odds. That is a very good point. I can't think of another cool Bob. There is a very, very distant second to Bob Dylan. Bob Hoskins, Bob Hope, Bob Dole. Okay, well, I'd say Hoskins is pretty cool.

I wouldn't. Yeah, Hope. Is Hope cool? No. Is Gel cool? No. Is Geldof? Bob Geldof? Pretty cool. I wouldn't say cool. At a time, at a point in history.

Sure. Probably a cool guy. Maybe. Bob Saget? The Dirty Daddy. Again, not that cool. Yeah. I don't think so.

He was rude, though. Yeah, but still, he was still the dad in Full House. If you're going to define cool, I mean, that's a fucking loose definition. That's true. Who are the most famous Bobs? Who are the most famous Bobs? Bob Franklin? Bob Jane?

Bob Jane T-Mart. Now, he's cool. That little picture of him on the logo, he looks pretty cool up there. I would look into his history and I would say you will find he's not that cool. Bob Down. Bob the Builder. Bob the Builder's pretty cool. Again, I really think you're stretching with the definition of cool.

Bob Marley. Now we are talking. There we go. Now we now we're talking there we go two honkies yeah bob marley wasn't the first person who's running oh what about bob saget yeah there we go there we go two wow for for an uncool name bob, Bob, there's two pretty cool fucking guys from, I mean, Bob Marley 60s or just 70s? I think maybe 70s. Have I told you about when I went to the Bob Marley doco when it was out in cinemas? No. This was quite a while ago.

And there was a guy sitting near me who was clearly like a mega fan. And any time there was a big... What did he look like? Very white. Right. Very, very big... What did he look like? Very white. Right. Very, very white. What was his hair like? Grey.

Oh. No dreads. Oh, damn. I mean, that's why this behaviour was surprising to me. Okay. Because I wasn't really knowing anything about, you know, so it's like I'm learning the story. It's like, oh, wow, what a fascinating life.

And this guy next to me was like, anytime something came up, like talking head, kind of giving information about him, this guy was kind of like talking along with the information. So like he clearly knew it all already. He's like trying to keep pace with the person on screen as they're telling the story. He's like, yeah, yeah, and then they went here. It's like, God, this is so annoying.

What, are you trying to outsmart the movie? Fucking shut up. But like old white man trying to be like hey i might not look it yeah because i don't have dreadlocks yeah but i love bob marley god we got i got fascinated one time i went with friends to watch uh starship troopers in the cinema oh yeah and there was a guy in front of us that we were just fucking loving because he was giving a commentary on the whole thing but he was doing doing like the, you know, like the Dirty Harry sort of thing of like trying to do like catchphrases. Like what he would say if he was in the movie.

Right, because the movie already has a bit of that, right? It's like kind of quippy. I don't really remember. I can't either, but I imagine an action film like that of that era, there is a lot of like, you know, fucking blowing an alien's head off. Yeah, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger. yeah yeah totally oh that guy lost his head yeah you know that sort of thing yeah well that's what he was like the whole way through that's awesome yeah

and then I just remember at the end we were just like loving it and then and he was he wasn't playing to the crowd or anything he was just doing thinking this was good yeah I remember right at the end what whatever the conclusion was, I don't remember a fucking speck of the movie, but whatever the big fucking point was at the end where things concluded, I just remember him doing the whole cartoon, dusting it off his hands and going,

well, time to wrap things up. Fuck that rules. That's the best guy I've ever heard of. You know what would be awesome? You know how they have those like when there's like a big musical out, like a film musical, they'll often do. I mean they do it with like Sound of Music and stuff like the sing-along

sessions where they have the lyrics up on the screen and audiences are encouraged to sing along with the film. I cannot think of anything worse. Maybe what I'm about to pitch. They do that but with action movies, right? And every time there's a quip they've like silenced it. Oh yeah.

And then it's like a comedy comp where you have to send in, you know, footage of yourself being funny to the cinema. Right. And then in this session, one person gets a mic.

Right. And so the quips are like muted out. Right. And you're, and you're like, you know, you're on mic, you get to be at the top of the film

going like, take that, you fuckwit. Just in the middle of Starship Troopers, take that, cunt. Yeah, the riff-along. You've got the sing-along sessions, the riff-along sessions. Oh, wow. That's kind of what The Room turned into, I guess.

Yeah. But I'm formalising it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When everyone's yelling out, it's just chaos. You just need one person that the cinema's dictated this is the funniest person in this session yeah and they're gonna get to riff over the top of this i think get an arnold schwarzenegger movie and just take out all those those famous sort of like dodgy sort of jokes that he would say yep and you update them yeah yeah yeah suck my dick yeah live mic for the whole film

would be fucking awesome just those bits just those instead of like puns or anything it's just brutal bits where it's like eat my ass cunt face yeah yeah yeah i've killed you and now i'm gonna fuck you in the ass yeah all right that'd be good rude arnie sessions yeah yeah well thanks uh thanks thanks dylan shay yep all right one more and then you can go and have your little lunchables. Yeah. Fuck, it's going to be slim pickings. I'm going to end up eating some fucking dog shit out of the fucking ready-made thing at

Coles or some stuff. Yeah, mate. I'm thinking I've had something about four hours ago, but I'm thinking while I'm in the area, it's always nice when I come over here. Usually, we record at your place. Yep. So, it's a nice little holiday from Hawthorne. And so, I get to sort of just have a look around at what's to eat over here.

We had a rare record at yours the other week. And I mean, I seldom get to do that. So, it's even more of a treat. I was like, oh, I really felt the pressure. Yeah. Oh, I'm in Hawthorne. Oh, what'd you get? Where am I going to go?

I went to, no surprises here, I went to Sol's. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like that place, but there's a few of them, but none of them are anywhere near me. So I was like, you know what? I'll get this because it's so outside the realm of, I mean, it's just a sandwich, but it's a good sandwich. Yeah.

They got rid of, they changed their menu a little bit up there. Did they? Yeah. They also don't really have anywhere to sit nearby. No. I had to sit on the benches where people are waiting for their meal. Frozen yogurts. Yeah, and I just sat there, the little bench that's outside the Souls bit.

So I'm hoeing into it as people are lining up to order. Yeah. And kind of looking at me being like, how undignified. Yeah. Where am I meant to go? Yeah. You're competing with the 14-year-olds that are trying to eat frozen yogurt over the road from it as well. Well, look, let's get on to this so you can take off.

Maybe I'll find something to eat as well. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. Wow. All right. Well, maybe we found a new contender. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Bob Comedy. Okay.

The coolest of them all. The coolest you very much to Patreon subscriber Bob Comedy. Okay. The coolest of them all. The coolest of all the Bobs. Bob Comedy. Cool Bob Comedy. Bob Comedy would be, I feel like I say this a lot, but Bob Comedy would be the best stage name for a comedian. That is actually a great name. That's actually really good.

Please welcome to the stage Bob Comedy. Can we please turn that in? Guys, I've got a sponsor that I want to tell you about. Can we please turn that in? Guys, I've got a sponsor that I want to tell you about. Can we please turn that into canon that whenever we talk about Mr. Comedy, that's what his name is. That's Mr. Comedy's first name. That is his actual first name. Oh, fuck. That's like when we found out Kramer's first name was Cosmo.

Fuck, this is... I think we've just found out Mr. Comedy's first name's Bob. This is like David Silverman penning an episode of The Simpsons where he turns Lisa into a vegetarian. Oh, right. This is a huge... Yeah. This is a fucking huge change. This changes everything from here on in.

Yeah. Bob Comedy. Yeah. Well, that might be the funniest first name. I mean, we've never discussed it. I mean, because, yeah, I mean, if it's not Bob, then what is Mr. Comedy's first name? Yeah. So I guess it's got to be Bob.

You know what? That is a great question for listeners. Comedy's first name? Yeah. So I guess it's got to be Bob. You know what? That's a great question for listeners. Please get on the socials. Get in our Facebook group or comment wherever you want. What should Mr. Comedy's name be if not Bob? Because we are going to have to have him on a plaque in the Oz Comedy Hall of Fame. Yes. Yes.

There'll be more about that. The first ever inductee. Bob Comedy. There'll be more. that the first ever inductee Bob Comedy there'll be there'll be more Bob Mr. Comedy there'll be more about that

this time very soon yeah the the the Oz Comedy Hall of Fame I thought we might be talking about it today no

I had some stuff I got some stuff ready to go slight delay but very very close the content tank is pretty full on that one yeah almost ready to fucking spray very very close I would I would is pretty full on that one. Yeah. Almost ready to fucking spray it.

Very, very close. Depending on who we have on next week, I would say it'll be next week. Okay. Very interesting. All right. Anyway, let us know. What's Mr. Comedy's first name? Yep.

Guys, last week you had a crack at naming my dog. This week, even more illustrious. Have a crack at naming Mr. Comedy. Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks for listening, and we Comedy. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.