The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 636 - Fiona O'Loughlin & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

This week we're joined by FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and TOM BALLARD! We hang on for dear life as Fiona comes in scorching hot with tales of missing her flights to Melbourne, gigs in Queensland, her recent romances, and God knows what else. PLUS Tom has a new book out! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard. And hoo boy, what a whirlwind. Guys, I don't know. Strap in. Yep. Put your hands on the rails. You must be this tall to ride this attraction. Yep.

Man, I feel like you and I really went through something together here. Fiona, one of our favourite guests of all time, came in absolutely red hot, and we just basically did our best to keep up, keep the ship on track, have fun with it. And you know what? I think we succeeded. Yes. Look, she's all good,

but she is a million miles an hour on this thing, so you try and keep up. We did our best to keep up. Yep. Tom Ballard did his best to keep up. Tom Ballard was there most of the time, I believe, but yeah. So just get ready. Just get ready.

You'll either love it or you'll hate it. I think the three of us had a great time doing it. The four of us had a great time doing this. This was a fun afternoon. I think we, I felt like we were on the bucking bronco and we lasted a couple of minutes, I reckon. Yeah, no, totally. Yeah, so look, we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb,

but until then, enjoy this new episode with Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good day to you, guys. And joining us today, we've got two wonderful, magnificent guests. One gay icon and one gay man.

Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club Tom Ballard and Fiona O'Loughlin! Yay! I agree. We are wonderful, Tom. We are wonderful. You are my icon. Is that your hero over here? Yeah, that's what I view you. It was slippery, wasn't it, for a bit there?

Nearly lost it. I thought, oh God, I'm going to miss out on being anything but, like like a joke. No. No. Close. Came very close. Came very close.

I mean, we could start the campaign to get you here. Oh, there's a campaign. Don't fucking worry. Marty Grah, ambassador. Yeah, yeah. The Fiona O'Loughlin float. It's a busy campaign, but it's in the living room where it's begun. I'd like a Fiona O'Loughlin float at the Marty Grah.

That'd be good. That's what I wanted to do. There's a living room where it's begun. I'd like a Fiona O'Loughlin float at the Mardi Gras. That'd be good. That's what I wanted to do. Cassie Workman said that I represent asexuals. Basically, it's not even asexual. This isn't a joke. I think people... Good place to end it. I honestly feel that people who want to stick parts of their body into their buddy's body after dinner before they go to sleep is gross.

What are we, a minitin? When you put it that way, you're now doing hate crimes against people who do want to have sex. Yeah, but also, like, my buddy. Also, it's like, you've had your fucking 17 kids. Can the rest of us have a go? It's all right to turn the tap off when you're done with it, but can the rest of us? Like it's communal, you dumb cunt.

Here's the thing. Where is the kindness wave surely extends to people who actually, that's a pretty big thing not to dig, isn't it? Like I'm not wanting sympathy, but you can't just go, ha-ha, you don't like sex. Right, okay. I can't be the only one. Right, yeah.

Because it's bigger than that and it's so exciting what I've discovered. Because Cassie Workman, when she said you're part of the I did because I'm dramatic in a show I thought oh I could have my own float and be part of it no I can't be fucked with any of that and I got caught in

it's very asexual you can't be fucked no I seriously couldn't be fucked that is quite a Debbie Downer of a float at the Mardi Gras. Just a float of like, no one root me. And don't touch myself either. Don't touch the float. No, but that is the perfect asexual representation float in the Mardi Gras. Didn't even show up.

Literally couldn't be fucked. Here's what asexuals have that you don't. And also, what I only realised is, what would I call it? Profit on my... What is it when you've got an advantage? Right. Yep. Profit.

Yep. At life's game, let's say. I don't... How do you monetise not getting rooted? Oh, you can, you see. Why do you monetize getting rooted? It's insane to me. He has been cashing in for a long time.

It's true. Like, heterosexuals and homosexuals and lesbians, I've heard, go literally, you contract yourselves to each other via your homes and your bank accounts because that's who you put your dick in. It makes no sense to me at all.

I see what you're saying. So I don't get... Maybe I'm asexual because none of that was making me horny. Yeah, no wonder. This is a whole new conspiracy theory

that I've just never entered before. It's just all big monogamy, man. Trying to fuck over the little guy, man. Big dick and big mum. All your love is just part of the bank's

fucking propaganda, bro. I'm just going to go one step further, explain myself, and then I'll go to the loo. And you guys can talk, boys talk while I'm gone. That'd be great. We would love that for just a couple of minutes. Because it's hard for me to follow through with a thought. You know that, Carl. And this has a point.

Yeah. Sure. It has a point. Possible. And this has a point. Yeah. Sure. It has a point. Possible TED Talk even, I think. Yeah. If I tidy it up a bit. Yeah. In my mouth.

Have a shower. Clean up. Anyway. Yeah. So, here's the thing. I am... Addicts will... You know, we're the come bucket in the family.

Okay. Just do it there. Everybody the cum bucket in the family. Okay. Just do it there. Everybody else does. The cum bucket. Right. You know, I know that's, but it needs to be because that's how. We do it in a cup in our family. We couldn't afford a bucket.

Yeah, yeah. We don't do it that much. We don't require a vessel that big. That's all. So if you've ever got the time to turn into a screaming addict, right, and get better after your family have long... It's like they're not even bad people, okay? It's not bad people.

It's dysfunctional families thwart themselves into whatever shape they have to, if you get my drift, to support whatever this family is. It's all we've got, as fucked as it is. And most families are fucked, particularly my era. Okay? You've got a long way to find a non-fucked family. I really wish I had better vocabulary.

Normal. I think the word's normal. Yes. No, it's... Anyway, it doesn't matter. Functional. Yes, dysfunctional family. So an addict's like, I suddenly realise now that I've found a third of my mind and I use it, that I was the flames coming out of the building,

the whole fucking building on fire, you idiots, because I'm not the only one. Now, as the addict goes about their life, not fucking up and annoying people, they're like chooks with their heads off and just need to keep going. So they've come up, they've predated my sexual activities to go, she was with da-da-da-da, and now I've got this. I was really hoping it was coming back to asexuality, because I was like, what the fuck?

Am I an unwilling lead actor in a David Lynch nightmare, or what's going on? I don't know why I ever felt so damn guilty in the first place for getting fucked when I was out like a light in a hotel room by a stranger that ended my marriage when I hold no currency at all in the act of sex. That's my point. You waste a lot of time.

This is going to be a hell of a TED Talk. I know. People are like, well, I'm inspired to never come to another one of these. I've got to give it to you. That came close to making a point. I didn't think we were going to get anywhere near there. We got in zone three and that's close enough. I think you did a great job of simulating to people listening to that

what it's like to have ADD. Because I was like, I can't follow what's going on here at all. It's like spot fires, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bushfire season right here on the pod. Yeah. It is a joy to understand, put things in perspective.

To me, what a waste of time. Big issue over little tissue. Right. Sex is no longer a massive issue for you, and now that you've stepped away from it, you go ridiculous. Gossip about me having sex is no longer. Why did I ever give a flying fuck in the first place? Yeah, right.

Fair enough. People do preach the benefits of no-nut November. Just giving up sex, clear head for a month, don't have to worry about it, you know, take a lot off your plate. Is that a thing? You don't see enough eunuchs these days, do you? No nut November. No nut November.

Wow. It's like a thing where people kind of don't masturbate and they don't have sex for the month. I get it. Yep, yep. Hands above the hips. Yeah, it's like clear head, more focus, but then come December 1, they're fucking straight back in there

like a rat up a drainpipe. But you've just committed. Santa's off straight down the chimney. Yeah, yeah. You've just gone no nut life. No nut life. And it was a brutal and callous move I made. But I've always been like that.

Like if I'm a. That was like, Catholic, heaven, hell, start fiddling with your vagina, you're fucked. Start wanting sex. That's the baddest thing. It's all euphemisms. Do you know what the... Do you have any idea what the statistics

are of how many people on average are asexual? Like in the population. Oh, I don't care about anyone really, but me. Because I was going to say, there could be way more in comedy that we just don't know about. You know what I mean?

You know, it's like the one vocal one. I would imagine you don't really want to meet up with anyone else that's like that, because I would imagine you meet up with people who are horny because you're both horny, but what's the point of meeting up with another person not horny, you know? What's the point of having any relationship with anyone who are horny because you're both horny. But what's the point of meeting up with another person not horny? You know?

What's the point of having any relationship with anyone who won't suck me off? I don't want to fuck any of you. Why am I here? Episode over. I am kind of in a relationship with someone we all know. Oh, okay. But you're not aromantic. So, yeah, there's people who are asexual.

Yes, there's aromantic. In the same way you're asexual, but you're not aromantic. Aromantic is someone who's not interested in a romantic relationship. But there are people who don't want to have sex, but still like a meaningful, rewarding, romantic relationship with other people. So you are romantic, but asexual. Yes, and I think that it is my own madness. As in, it's my interpretation of what I was taught.

I don't think there were villains that fucked with my head. I think it was a perfect storm. So I just went, right, we'll get rid of that then. And don't ever think about it, which I didn't. It was pretty clever. Not clever. Apparently it's quite nerd. They tell me an orgasm is like a sneeze in the snatch.

They tell you. I can imagine that would be really good fun. Like, I like sneezing. I get it, you know. I've stuck a match up my nose. Have you ever had an orgasm? No. I think we might have covered this previously.

Never, ever. I've woken up having, like, what I imagine is one. Like a wet dream. I don't know. Okay. That's what that sounds like to me. My brother used to say, you couldn't organise yourself in a wet dream. I had no idea what he was talking about.

What is he saying? You couldn't organise yourself in a wet dream? How could you organise yourself in a wet dream? In a wet dream. Oh, in a wet dream. It's like you can't get your shit together in a wet dream. It's just a, it's a South Australian kind of. It makes, yeah, okay. It's a you can't get your shit together in a wet dream. It's just a South Australian kind of... It makes...

Yeah, okay, that makes sense. It's a South Australian thing. It makes no fucking sense. Fruit shops, Farmers' Union and coming in your sleep. Yeah, and organising yourself as you're orgasming. I think those things are peculiar. You can't organise yourself in a wet dream. Fiona, it's like they're always waiting for me, running late, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that bit. So even in the wet dream, you still wouldn't get there on time to come in the wet dream. Oh, you couldn't organise yourself in a wet dream. And I'm like, A, I don't have a penis. B, I don't know what that means. But as an insult, if you're going to use that as an insult, you couldn't organise yourself in a wet dream. That intimates that.

I don't think they care about my feelings., you couldn't organise yourself in a wet dream. That intimates that... I don't think they care about my feelings. It is easy to organise yourself in a wet dream. Hello, I'm the Marilyn and I live with the monsters. Question for Mrs O'Loughlin. I'm not as pretty as Marilyn. This partner, whose name we won't necessarily repeat, but does he identify as asexual as well? Not at all.

Right, okay, he's jerking off every day. Come on, Fiona, get a bit of this! Yeah, but does he identify as asexual as well? Not at all. He's jerking off every day. Come on, Fiona, get a bit of this. Organise yourself in the middle of one of these. Here's a spreadsheet. Here's me cock. Here you fucking go. Can you know that I'm not not laughing? I've tried to

calm down that cackle. If I let it off... We love it. We love it. I like to hear it. I like to. I've got to unbutton my jacket. Have a sneeze.

Blow your load too. Just relax, Gerda. For once in your life. Wow. Imagine if we could make you cum. Oh my God. On this podcast. Oh my God.

Imagine if we got it on air, your first cum. Oh, look, I've heard rape is frowned upon as well. No, no, no. Hey, well, if you can make me cum, you'd have to tie me down against my will. it on air your first come oh look I've heard rapes not it's frowned upon as well no no it was so good then you'd have to tie me down against my will and that is against the law

in the criminal justice system South Australia and Victoria as far as I've heard alright I'm going to the Meredith Music Festival tomorrow

I'm putting it on record this is the most off the rails behaviour I'm going to have in the next couple days it's all it's all going to be pretty placid from here I'm looking forward to you editing this is the most off-the-rails behaviour I'm going to have in the next four days. It's all going to be pretty placid from here. I'm looking

forward to you editing this at the Meredith Music Festival at two in the morning. Coming down on Monday morning, alright, time to sift through the wreckage of Thursday afternoon. I wonder if we can find any survivors in this fucking truck upside down on the huge low. Episode MH370.

What's up, David? Oh, that's so good. That'll be good. Let's just start naming these episodes after flight numbers. It won't matter because I'm launching my own dog's breakfast within a week anyway. Oh, okay. Here we go.

The Hindenburg Podcast. Okay, that'll be good. I wouldn't do it until there was shit loads of material. a week anyway. Oh, okay. Here we go. The Hindenburg Podcast. Okay, that'll be good. Yep. I wouldn't do it until there was shit loads of material. Why don't we talk about you've sent me notes. Now, you've sent me

text messages to say don't forget to ask me about this. So should I Only if need be. Only if need be. No, but there's one

I want you to ask me about. Okay, alright. It's just a fun question. Okay. Well, what about... By the way, we're 15 minutes in. I reckon we've got two useables. So let's take as long as you can.

It's because I'm showing off in front of Tommy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. Tom. Hello. Yeah, only Tom, not Tommy. I do show off in front of you too, Tom. Never you, cock brain

Thank you You're in Melbourne now, you live in Adelaide Yes, I am in Melbourne, Carl Not quite I'm the dumb one now, sorry Keep going, Carl, she's getting close You just turned me asexual I don't think I'll ever be able to get it up after that roast

That won't be the first time You've turned me asexual. I don't think I'll ever be able to get it up after that roast. That won't be the first time. She basically said, yo, yeah, you're in Melbourne now. You're here in Melbourne. You got here yesterday from Adelaide. How many smooth sailing getting over here? All okay? I was on Jetstar.

Infuriating. Yeah. That was okay? How many flights do you think I missed before I got the one that got me here? Well, let's pretend you're normal. One. One flight. Let's go around the horn.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's go around the horn and all guess the number. Okay. Yes. I reckon you missed three. You can't miss... I would say two. You can't miss...

First flight was at 8am, right? Okay. Right. Okay, you say one. Locking in one. I'm locking in three. I'll say two. I'll go ten.

I think you should win because it's four. Oh, okay. You missed. I missed four. Okay, so talk me through how you missed four. So the 8am, where are you? This is an 8am flight. Where are you at 8am yesterday?

Where physically are you? At the airport. You're at the airport and you still missed, and there's still three flights to go. Oh, I didn't say any of this was my fault. This could be one of Mrs O'Loughlin's long it happened

to me stories. I'm not a victim of this. So 8am, you've missed your first set of four flights. I'm thinking you're asleep in bed at this point. You're not. You're at the airport where the planes are. Yes. And you've still missed that one.

Yes. Okay, next flight. Next flight. I mean, you're at the airport now. The hard work's done. I've missed that flight. Are you in the gift shop at this point? No, no.

I've missed that flight because I've got lots to do. I don't have a hotel organised in Melbourne and I'm a little bit pissed off that people put a 60-year-old lady on a Jetstar flight for a gig at night.

Don't do that to me. We'll just be... Anyway. You're boycotting the flight in protest. He said, I'm not getting on this. The logic was,

I don't even have a holiday in Melbourne. A hotel in Melbourne. It's the logic. How dare you put me on one Jetstar flight. I have no idea what this is. I need four Jetstar flights. Hold it right there, young man. I'll stop you there.

I'll have to stop you there, Carl. Sorry, sorry. So... This is like jazz. No, I knew I wanted... In that I hate it? I also had infuriating left my weed behind, and I really wanted that because I packed it nicely in a little...

I take it across border lines in, what do you call it? Dead tubes, like Barocca. Right. Not taking weed on the flight is the first sensible thing that's happened in this. Right, yeah. We can use that bit. Keep this as part of the plan next time. Right. Not taking weed on the flight is the first sensible thing that's happening. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We can use that bit. Keep this as part of the plan next time.

That's plenty of time. Then I get home. Hang on. You get home? No. You're still at the airport. I'm in Adelaide. I live in Adelaide, right? Hang on.

So you missed the- I make sure I get a later flight. Are there any later flights, I say to the lady? Okay. So you missed the 8 a.m. Fortunately, she's not any race that will be offensive to you when I do her voice. She's just a regular white. You miss the 8am flight, so you go home.

You go home after that, right? That's right. And then to get your wig. I secured myself of a 1.30 flight. Right. Okay, so 1.30 is the second flight. We're ready. That's the second flight.

That's number two flight for the day. Yes. So then. Did you say, is there a later flight? I've got to the second flight. That's number two flight for the day. Yes. So then... Did you say, is there a later flight I've got to go home and get my marijuana and come back to the airport?

Everything but the bit about the marijuana. Oh, okay. So then you come back now, one third now. I'm reading ahead. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

Sorry. So much fun is happening between you. It's like five hours to go. Yeah, sorry. I think I'm on a... I have to catch a bus because I'm still poor. You know, that lady stole all to go. Yeah, sorry. I think I'm on a bus. I have to catch a bus because I'm still poor.

You know, that lady stole all my money. Anyway, I'm on a bus. Oh, coach. No, not coach. I'm catching commuter buses, which is cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. It isn't.

In Adelaide, yeah. No, buses are the worst form of transport there are. I'll admit that. But the bus is pretty bad. Yeah. Anyway, I said, is this bus going past my... My bus goes straight past my house. Pretty cool.

It's a consolation prize. Must be nice. And all I have to do is pretend I'm over 60 and I don't have to pay. Right. And guess what? They never fucking question that, do they? So I get on the bus and I get three miles from my house where the bus driver says

I didn't say I'm going to drop you at your front door lady. And I've got a suitcase. It's Otto the bus driver. From the Simpsons. So this is on your way back from the airport. Yeah, this is on my way home to get my dope and my stomach meds.

Never forget I have a hole in my stomach the size of a dinner plate. Right. From 70 panophen plus a day. Okay. Back in the early 2000s. Tommy, are you keeping up? I'm keeping up. Just.

Yeah. And that every now and then blows. Right. So I've got to have these meds. Yep. So both reasons. Right. And anyway, i find myself three

miles from my house and time's ticking it takes a long time to catch a bus so you're on foot and you've got your luggage and whatever you've got to get home i've rung the taxi company and i've and i said this is an emergency can you please send to blah blah blah i didn't know the suburb yeah i mean adelaide is a great, but there are too many cunts there, and that's the only problem with Adelaide, and I swear to God, as soon as they die... I'm getting that impression. So it's someone else's fault to confirm it's someone else's fault

that you don't know where you live. Is that what's happening here? It wasn't where I lived. It was where a bus driver dropped me. And I'm old, I beg your pardon. Okay, sorry. So you didn't know where I lived. I was where a bus driver dropped me. And I'm old, I beg your pardon. Okay, sorry. So you didn't know where you were. With a brain injury.

No, no, no. And neurodiversity. Remember, Carl, she hasn't had her weed today. So she's not thinking clearly. Actually, it is medicine. I always feel a lot better when I rub one out. So maybe that's what's happening. Sometimes you can't think properly until you do.

Empty that sack and maybe it'll all come crystal clear. I'm going off, no, not November. I reckon we need to launch come heaps. How ironic that the bus driver dropped you off early. You had to finish yourself off. I know, and the taxi company in Adelaide hate me and we've

had a ongoing feud and they've got a mark against my name, so I don't usually use my phone. Which I 100% believe is their fault. Don't even tell me the back story, Fiona. I'm already on your side. They won't send it until you tell them the suburb. I'm like, I said 79 Kensington Road, Adelaide. We're not in fucking New York.

I would have thought that's more in your capabilities than mine to find my suburb. Getting a black mark from the cabs in this day and age is really impressive. They're up against Uber. They need all the business they can get. But I also do like the argument against the cab company. They won't even send a cab until I tell them where I am. What business is it of yours? Are you a cop?

You see? Oh, don't get me started. It's going to be in another data leak, isn't it? Start the engine, and when I feel like we're close, I'll yell out. I'd like to book a jet star, five leaves. Which airport? Whoa, whoa, whoa. But you see, it sounds like that.

Big plane. Settle down. You know what I'm saying, don't you? Settle down, Mr. Assange. So now I'm in the back of people's backyards on Kensington Road. Hang on. You're in someone's backyard. Because I said to the cab driver, please send a cab.

My phone's about to die. Right. Okay. Terrible situation. It's actually a small island off of Tahiti coastline in the broader global map of my disaster. It's a fucking nice morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of an anecdote for your silly podcast.

Right. Now forget about it by lunchtime. Yeah, so as this is all happening, this is barely registering, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a flat phone in your life is like fucking hell. It's actually like quite a nice birthday cake. It's the highlight of your day. Still got the phone

Hey, Anna's got a happy ending, I'm alive What do you know about happy endings? I also just remembered there's three flights to go I was rushing ahead trying to talk about flight number two Oh, I love you, Tommy Carl, flip those notes up This is my future, except I'm in a bed And no, I'm in a bed, and that's my grandson.

How wonderful, just telling stories to the young. Anyway. This is like a bedtime story. So I finally find a... Deathbed story. I find an outlet to a power... In someone's backyard. Yes.

I must. I'm a solution-focused person. You just let yourself into the backyard? I walked in. I didn't have a fence. Well, that's what let yourself in means. I'm not athletic. Very trusting in Adelaide.

Right, okay. But I'm not an animal. It's good that you're solution-focused because you're also a problem generator. It's really helpful. The snake eating itself. You're like a self-sourcing pudding. Do you know that? And people say, oh, it's so annoying.

Try being with me, being me. No, I can't go, oh, bye, Fiona. I just can't do it for another day. Sure, yeah, yeah. I have to take this with me. Well, to other people, they're probably, you're like the eye of the hurricane. It's all quite calm in there. Everyone else is like in the hurricane around you.

So you're probably quite nice. Because for me, it's like, oh, I've been to bigger shows than this. Yeah, you trust that it's going to be okay. You're sitting in the middle of the hurricane going, this is all nice and quiet. What the fuck are you twirling around in circles? That's because people should get out more. Okay, so you found an outlet in the backyard. You're in a backyard.

You're in a backyard. You found one of those very common backyard power points. I know, but it's in, you know. Have you stuck your phone in a rose bush? Is that what's happening? You're unplugging some fairy lights or something. Yeah, yeah. Don't go off track.

I'm sorry. I'm keeping myself. You're talking to yourself, right? Simple. Don't talk to the people. I've got a bit of charge. I walked here and I, for an hour, I thought about what I was going to talk about on this podcast, by the way.

Guys, the recorder's wrapped the mic cord around its neck. It's trying to kill itself. So you're in the backyard. You're building up. You're charging the phone in some stranger's backyard. Not for long. It's a quick charge. You're back online.

All I need to do is tell the taxi people not to fuck with me like that. Come and pick me up. But stay calm so they don't not come. Come and pick me up. Where are you? In a backyard. Quick. No. I. But stay calm so they don't not come. Come and pick me up. Where are you? In a backyard. Quick. No.

I said, are you coming? She said, no. You are not. I wanted to kill her. And then you have to be calm. And she's got this, I can't say it. Cool. I know who she is.

I can hear it. Okay. So, all of a sudden, two lovely women out of town. Nice looking, my age women in a hatchback say, do you need help? Yes. Oh, my God. Took me home. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I really want to say something wrong. I won't. I've seen a few movies that start this way. Yes, that's right. I think I know what's coming up, guys. Oh, this is when the first Augusta happened. Great.

They rolled me around the oval. They came over and cleaned your pool right up. The nearby private school. Grimmed me or whatever it is. But they were polite. Whatever it is. Whatever it is. Whatever you, whatever you,

you sexual people do. Getting rimmed or whatever. Gave me some wet ones and dropped me home. Gave you a wet one? Anyway. Now I can smell burning. Can anyone else?

I fucking don't. I'm worried about myself at this point. Can you smell someone else's stroke? Is that a possible thing or can you only smell your own? I've just moved into a granny flat. Right.

A bit before time. Underneath, my friend Cass. Do you remember Cass and Brian who used to run Tuxedo Cat? Oh, yeah. Yep. Yes. Okay. So I'm in an arty kind of hob.

I hang out with a lot of artists and musicians. I don't know what I'm doing right now, but anyway. I'll stop doing it. So we live together and it's cool. And Kaz and I rent mansions. Not more than one at a time. But you pool your resources. Older women who've been discarded, such as I, and other women.

And a 900-buck house for $4.50 each. And we've got a pool. who've been discarded, such as I, and other women. 900 buck house for 450 each, and we've got a pool. Oh, yeah, nice. Servant. Nice little community there. Anyway, so I'm in this gorgeous thing down the street, it's Granny Flat, and I get to the door of Granny Flat, and as I have done, I think 40 times in three years, had an attack of the gastric ulcer.

Yep. Where I usually, until 2020 I found out what it was, go to hospital in an ambulance again. What? Yes. So I haven't, the attacks are brutal and I am out like, but I can get through, I've learnt how to get through them with this, I've got a mind like a steel trap, don't you think?

That would be my epitaph. So wait, you go to hospital this time? No, I don't have to. Oh, you've learnt how to kind of power through. I know what to do. Okay, right, right, right. What you have to do is not catastrophize it. Yep.

Okay? You have to meditate your way through it. You also have to call for help. Yes, yes. I also imagine some of the other medicine you're looking for probably helps you through it as well. No. Probably not good for it. No?

No. The penicillin, I don't know. The tooth, I don't think it matters. Not after what I've done to myself. Okay. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, so Your mind is a steel trap

I call out to Cass Full of dead things Because you see, half the population Not half the population I cannot afford to miss a gig I cannot afford to miss No more chances. Yeah.

Fuck everyone. You've got to do your job. Look, I only got 715 chances, okay? Yeah. We've all said 716. That's the end of it. No, but you see, people are... Are you and Fleety competing for chances?

Fuck him and fuck you. People are helping themselves to chances that I don't even need, if that makes sense. So I'm in deficit of chances because idiots need my chances. You're trading chances. Yes, I'm not letting this happen. So I was like a soldier and Cass couldn't believe it. I had not been congratulated like I was by her and I said we can do this but she'd booked me a 2.30 flight I said won't make the 1.30

we're gonna make the two right so this is so we're not even trying for flight number two at this point we're trying for I gave it a go but I'm not super human car so I lay there and I said to Cass, if I just have 15 minutes to meditate my... Anyway, it worked. Yep. Okay. But it took three hours. Get to the airport. And so those two flights weren't very exciting, were they?

They just went... Missed. Okay. You weren't even in the airport for them. Unlike the first one. Cass says there's a flight there for $270 for Jetstar. Now I'm getting a bit old and cross, okay? Because I've got a very bad temper since I take my decks.

I guess I come down at 5 o'clock and look out for half an hour. But I fucking, I enjoy it. Like ripping someone, I love it because people are stupid. And I've been too agreeable my whole life. Anyway, I don't want to give Jetstar another $270 fucking dollars because they've had enough of me. I've had to pay $70 each time I miss the flight. Rules are rules, okay?

And this woman at the desk said, I said, why am I paying you $270 when I just had to pay two lots of 70? And she said, well, if you miss a flight three times, the fourth flight you pay. Yeah, she does sound like a fucking idiot. Exactly, because... That is an interesting rule.

No, because she's presuming... I reckon they've only made this rule up for you. I think this is their Lachlan rule. I don't think that's ever come into place with anyone else. My mind kind of farted. Like, it was like, and I said, what are you talking? I said, if someone has missed four flights in a day, don't you think their day's been grief-stricken enough

that you think it's a good time to slog them $270? And then I burst into tears, which is, I can do that like that. Oh, sure. I mean, it is good logic. It's like, you've already gotten so much money out of me today. Like, come on. Just a gimme. Why not?

Because who said? Yeah. Yeah. So you get on flight four. I get on flight four. But what, like, so you end up having to pay for it? Or the waterworks work? No, flight four. No, I got it for free. But what, like, so you end up having to pay for it? Or the waterworks work? No, flight four.

No, I got it for free. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, wow. Nice. Yes. I didn't even have to pay the 70. Oh, wow. Just the waterworks and the, don't you know who I am?

Didn't do. Because I don't. Didn't do. No, I'm asking. I didn't do that. I'm genuinely asking. Do you have my driver's license or passport? Can you tell me who I am?

I forgot. I think it's in a backyard with my phone charger. Where am I? And the other time I got that cross was, yeah, the policeman. The policeman who said, I don't like this either. Can you give me a reason why i pulled you over and followed you for yes of course i could and i said but i'm not going to like if am i getting let off or am i getting a fine and he said no you're getting a fine and i said i love being 60 so much i said

well then i'm gonna pass on the lecture, thanks, because you don't get to have it both ways. And that's a fair call. Okay. All right. So we've learned how to deal with the cops. We've learned how to deal with the airlines. So, okay. Free flight, if you have some sort of mental breakdown at the end of the day. So then that was flight number five that you actually got on. Is that right? Yeah, it was. Flight five.

Oh, okay. Nice. Oh, but on that flight, this is where I was heading. Yes. Oh, dear. To Melbourne, Fiona. You were heading to Melbourne. Hang on, hang on.

You're reading ahead. We haven't asked whether the fifth flight actually got you to Melbourne. Adelaide, Fiji, Melbourne. That classic stopover. No, the flight was hijacked. Yeah, it's like, why did this cost $280? Because you were going to LA. No, the Dum Dum Club relocated to Honolulu.

I was musing on that subject I sent you a text about, about entitlement of a generation of a particular sex. Okay. I was hoping we'd get to one of the other subjects rather than that one, because that sounds like more of a rant. But yeah. And it's not boys.

There's a real problem with girls. Okay. It's just like, I'm on the committee, you see. I feel I am a part of the world. I speak for all people. I've appointed myself like the Jordan Pierce. I'll write this. All right.

35 minutes, nine seconds. Can we bookmark this bit? Can I just ask you about Jetstar first? My portal being a crazy grandmother, I want to tell these fuckers what's what in many ways. And this generation of 30-year-olds who entitle their way, this girl, I was like, why do they not go, so, she gives me a cup of coffee, I go to pay with my phone. Is this on the plane? Yeah.

I hadn't had a coffee all day. That's all I wanted was a coffee. She gives me a coffee. My phone died as the... Oh! I've got a pay wave on the phone. Yep, yep. I love the future.

I say that 400 times a day. Yeah. And I went to pay for the coffee and it went... And she said to me, don't you have like a normal card? And I said, no. I mean, I've lost that 100 years ago. And I used this.

And the coffee was on my tray table. Confiscated it. Oh, she took it away. She took the coffee away. I'm like, where is this? That's just not okay on any level. So what should happen is you should just get a free coffee. Is that what you're saying?

I don't know what I'm saying. I guess if you paid all those $70 fees or whatever it is, I guess just give me a coffee. I'm in that... I understand that mindset of like, yeah, I don't know what I think should happen, but it's not this. I don't want this to be happening right now. I don't know what the other answer is.

Were you saying about this podcast at the moment, this episode? Yeah, yeah. What were you guys talking about? I could be at home packing. No, but it's also a bit like you just got – I'm going to try and name a car. A yellow Datsun. I don't even yellow Datsuns anymore. And that's name a car, a yellow Datsun. I don't even yellow Datsuns anymore. And that's all you see is a yellow Datsun.

So at the moment, I am a bit obsessed with what I'm looking at. And I think I'm looking at something not wicked. Tom, you got a book out. About fucking clothes. Yeah, it's about how old boomers don't deserve free coffees. And they're all stupid old asexual bitches. They keep trashing the environment by taking unnecessary flights. Don't forget the bus trips.

Oh, those bus trips. Oh, guess what? What? We're not going to be overpopulated after all. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? That was on page fucking three. Thank you. Jesus, I don't like.

No thanks to you, by the way. Yeah. The most fucking. I still don't. I still don't recycle because I do other things. And I can't do that. I can't think it through. What do you do that compensates for not recycling

um oh fuck in the sense of um saving the environment yeah do you want to pay one dollar to carbon offset this flight yeah yeah i'll pay one for each one fuck i've just given you 23 dollars oh i i would use i reckon because i only have a bath and I bucket out my bath. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you water the garden? I do not stand under showers and waste water. You could sell that water online, I reckon.

It's not, you shouldn't, it's revolting. It's like a spa. No, but there's people who'd be into that. I got into a spa with my boyfriend. I had a boyfriend. He was 70 and I don't know why I said that. He was 70. Ooh la la, Mr. Robinson. I don't want to hold my guts in till

i'm dead you know i want something older and flabby yeah yeah yeah yeah yep uh but i kept saying the same joke over and over again like i bring him everywhere because he could die any minute and he didn't think it was very funny i think that's why he dumped me he got a bit blinky back to his fuck imagine breaking up with someone when you're 70 that's a fucking tough talk really one of those things in your life that you just assume at a certain point i'm not you know he was he was mr jackal he didn't he he like seriously flipped and was someone else because i said i, I don't want a husband. I want a boyfriend. Like I said, you can't ever, I don't ever. But he was completely on board.

He's like, oh, me too. I'm so laid back. He's like, if Fiona doesn't turn, he's one of the Beatles. And he goes, he's an English guy. And he's like, I just think if Fiona doesn't turn up, you know. I like his impression. I't turn up, you know. I like his impression. I want to meet this guy now.

He was sexy and handsome. I like the voice. Had a full head of hair. So I moved in with him. And also, how perfect this is, he is also an ex-addict. And where I blew a hole in my stomach, he kind of blew up his privates. So he can't have any rompy pompy.

So it was perfect. So very tactile and hugging and I loved it. Except he wasn't funny. I'm just thinking. Anyway, but we lived in a share house it was pretty

like a share house uni living with a younger one that lived with us Gav and Gav was a

he talked like this but he was born in Australia so I don't know what that was about it's the parents were English and Gav only ever spoke one word

that Gav and Gav was young he was only 58 at 48 58 unemployed Gav only ever spoke one word that Gav and Gav was young he was only 58 at 48 58 unemployed Gav a real spring chicken and me and this

other guy in a share house but Gav only said one word in the English you know in his vocabulary that he spoke properly

and that was he'd go anyway so he's coming around and then he goes Indonesia Indonesia Indonesia Indonesia I like it a lot properly and that was he'd go anyway so he's coming around then he goes in indonesia indonesia so my 70 year old has gone back to indonesia to live out the rest of his super on the gear and oh and od on it wow story does have a happy ending. That's his ending. He's seriously done that.

He's on a beach in Bali. Wow. To go, he's going to, he's, he's, oh my God.

He's broken Tom. Yeah. Anyway, the book's out now. All good bookstores. And I said, couldn't I come for five years

and then I'll come? Yeah. I didn't know what I was offering. I'm so sorry, Tom. I forgot about that bit. It's fine. That's great. That's how I want to go out

except Thailand, not Indonesia. Not Indonesia. On the gear. Yeah. Whatever. Whatever. Taking up heroin at 70.

Weird. It's the dream. In Bali. God. Wow. Can I ask you this? Can I get off whatever the fuck you've been talking about the last hour? Here's the thing with going back and forth with you, Fiona.

As we've already learned, you've got a very sharp tongue. When I go back and forth with you, there's no one better to gossip with and slander other people. Oh, I don't think you'd say I'm unkind with you. What I do like is, and I've seen you do this before, like, you will be very nice to someone, some random's face and be like,

oh my goodness, oh, great to see you, and then as soon as they leave, and sometimes before they leave, who the fuck is that fucking? So it's like, you are a brilliant actress with all that sort of stuff. I love it. Because I need relief of my tension. Sometimes I'll get some very nice messages from you,

and I'll be like, oh, this is great. Oh, no, you don't fear it. And then I'm thinking, oh, no, I'm getting this lovely text in front of, like you're texting me and saying to someone on the bus, who's this fucking idiot think he is look what i'm sending this fucking mouth breather he probably fucking believes he's a fucking idiot stupid fucking open mic are in melbourne no i i think i understand the hierarchy of the cool kids okay no but this so this is the thing so i you you you love babies and children

whatever so since my little blanket was born three years ago, I send you pictures and messages and you'll be like, oh. But I'll get messages and I'm always like, oh, am I copying it? You're saying all these nice things, but again, are you on the bus going, look at this fucking hot garbage fucking kid. Ugliest kid I've ever seen. He's got a face like an elbow and he's sending me photos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Face like an elbow. Face like an elbow. And I think I've ever seen. He's got a face like an elbow and he's sending me photos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Face like an elbow. Face like an elbow. And I think I got... That's great. I think I got the closest I've got to a real message about it. So I've been sending you pictures

of my child for like years. Who was the prettiest baby? Who used to be a baby. Yeah, a very pretty baby. An ex-baby. Which I thought would end in time. Yeah, yeah. So I got a message

as I was texting you the other day. I sent you a little video. And I got her to say hi, Fiona, when she was on a swing. So this is the message I get back after that. Okay, this will be good. It says, oh me, oh my, she is now an actual beautiful child. I'm not saying your wife is ugly. Oh boy.

But Carl, you have won the Jean Lotto. That's kind of nice. I guess so. Is that nice? I know I have to convince you. Is that nice? Only African and Persian women have plenty of beauties. Do not have another baby or you will be outed.

It's like dwarves raising pro-baskets. Pro-basketballers. It's like dwarves raising pro-basks. Pro-basketballers. It's not fair on the children. Did she write pro-basks? Yes. I don't know what that... Pro-basketballers, she said. You know the common phrase, pro-basks.

I made it up. I literally googled it. I was like, what's pro-basks? Oh, what about what I made up? I googled pro-basks. It it up. I literally Googled it. I was like, what's ProBasks? Oh, what about what I made up? I Googled ProBasks. It came up. Like nothing. Did you mean? No, I didn't even do that.

Did you mean prosthetics? I started. It's like some sort of brand for mechanical equipment that came close to it. I'm like, this can't be a forklift. Like, what's this? Did you mean Fiona O'Loughlin? That's a good insight. Your kid looks like a forklift? Like, what's this? Did you mean Fiona O'Loughlin? That's a good insight. Your kid looks like

a forklift. It's because my phone is a disaster. It's a second-hand phone. Right. I lost three in three months. As many months? It's a horrible phone.

It types out the words that I type into it. It's a fucking idiot. It types out L before every single word. Oh, really? And I've got to go back, delete the L,

move on. That's funny. And I've got to go back, delete the L, move on. That's funny. And I've got the patience of a saint, I tell you. Don't post your L's, Fiona. That's important. But after I lost the third one, I thought, I can't go through this again. It's too painful. They're $2,000, these phones.

Right. So I made sure it never happened again by way of insurance. Yeah. And I'll put this level on any. Has that been a good tool for helping to stay sober because Uber Eats won't find anything for lalkahol? La-la-la-la-laga? It's like Welsh lager.

So I lose the third phone, sure enough, don't I? Leaving someone's backyard on the charge or what? No, no, I was caring for someone. You were caring for someone? Fucking hell, wow. That's quite a food chain. What is it when you have two jobs? Two jobs?

Moonlighting as a carer for an autistic woman who's my age. Is this a mirror? No, she lives in Brisbane look look Fiona but can I give you an example

of people please you can have the floor please speak I'm caring for a woman every time she goes by the couch she disappears

but she takes missing planes she did she did break her arm Under my care She broke her arm Oh no Okay

And how's your arm Coincidentally On an Uber Not good I've got a chip in my elbow But Or that could be From the authorities

But I What was I Oh god I want to tell you You're caring for this woman Yes So how's this for people? Here's what happens.

People, Chuck, what I was talking about, what families do, your friends and peers do it. I was on tour. Not tour. I was gigging. Yes. Okay? In Queensland very recently. Okay.

So just before that, I had done that laughing tell jokes. Just don't say any names at all from now on. Hi, I've got to say. Just nouns. Just very loose nouns. Okay. Can I say the festival? The Amazon Prime show, Who's Laughing?

Can I say the festival? Sure, okay. So that festival, what is it? The fat guy. Can you say it? No, the answer's no. Yes. Oh, that's not my dog?

Yes. Yeah. Anyways. One of my favourite festivals created off the back of a movie that no one watched. Don't you start. I'm allowed to say that. And it was a weird mix of like really a talent, hot, now comics. And you.

To me. No, but odd people like me and other oddities. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It was fun. At a comedy festival. Hang on. Yes. That's not my dog, the festival. It's mind-blowing.

But also, why are you asking comics who the last thing we do is hack asking us to not tell our material, but tell something that's already written. That was the concept, that you had to tell old jokes at this festival.

Yeah, old dad jokes. Not even your own jokes. No, so some people were in like Flynn, you know. How many flights did that take you to get there? Oh, guess what? I still haven't been paid for that festival, because it went broke. Oh, really? Wow, okay. Went paid for that festival because it went broke. Oh, really?

Wow. Okay. Went down the toilet with Kenny himself. Okay. And guess who else got paid? Everybody. Oh, really? Guess why I didn't get paid?

Why? My agent in Adelaide, she said, well, you see, they didn't know if you'd turn up drunk or sober or turn up at all for that matter. So they were going to hold your money. Oh. That's actually business. I get that. But I don't have to hear that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a bit smart. And you did turn up. You did turn up. And you still didn't get paid? Yeah. No, they've seriously gone broke or whatever. Okay. And no one else got paid?

Anyone who's not with... Is it Moken Token? Some agency, pretty big agency here that you get paid up front? That's not my dog. It's a good agency that gets up front payments.

Yeah, yeah. It's okay. I see. I cannot wait to find out how an old autistic woman ends up with a broken arm because of Fiona appearing in the That's Not My Dog festival.

Can't wait to tell you. So this is what I find, and I'm going to fucking hold their feet to the fire too. Say there's someone, and I can see very parallel behaviour to my own. Right. A lot of... Someone... We're back to the mirror. Yep.

Someone else who has a maybe substance problem or something like that. Who knows? Maybe regretfully was a bit loud and knew it at the gig just before, you know. Yep. Someone in the same world. And when I'm in the vicinity... Right. At the start of a festival, and this is not okay under any circumstances for any addict

to be said this to, and I will say this, by any... Whether you're... It doesn't matter what you do for a living. Yep by any, whether you're, it doesn't matter what you do for a living, hey, if you're drinking, that's cool. No, it isn't, you dumb cunt, because if I'm drinking, that means I'm in danger of dying. Don't tell me you get it, you fuck. Anyway, that's like dangerous, and I just wanted to say that, if anyone thinks they're being someone's friend.

Right, right, right. Then I looked, and I've got to get over this because they're my fingerprints, you know. Yep. But I came off stage thrilled because when you're fighting back too against it, you want to have good gigs. And Luke Hagee, who I love. Yes. Yes, I love him.

Just mentally scanned your little list there. That's good. It's always good to check. Too many people say they love someone and they're not sure. So it's always good to do a little citation needed on that. I just checked the list of people I've fucked in the last 20 years. No, he's not on the list of zero. I still love him.

So Hickey's there on his unicycle. I could not have been, looked more guilty. So you don't even speak. There's nothing you can say to do, but it was so humiliating. And I hate to listen to the podcast. Because we've done the gig. Somebody, a little bit too drunk at the end of the gig, and kind of, I just know it because I was it,

when you milk too much. Don't be bad. If I had a bad gig, I just know it because I was it. When you milk too much, don't be bad. If I had a bad gig, I used to just hang around and just be more friendly. Right. I really wanted to know and be told that it wasn't that bad. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Because I always thought the normal thing is when you have a bad gig, you scoot out of there pretty quick.

Oh, it's levels, Carl. It depends. If it's that bad, you fuck off out of there. I kicked out a door, an emergency door in Edinburgh and left 200 quid in the green room because I didn't want to face Tommy Tiernan. Nice. Saw me die.

Just a Fyodor-shaped hole in the wall. Just got the fuck out of there. Like those guys. The Acme comedy club You don't want to You don't want to bomb in front of The Wile E. Coyote Had a shocker of a set Tried to walk through that

Fucking Tunnel Tunnel that was painted on Fucking So embarrassed And I I want to say I'm pure of heart

And I'm not Looking at this person going, oh, fuck, I'm glad it's not me. Malevolently, if that makes sense. We're back at the That's Not My Dog festival. But just grateful. No, this is at a gig after That's Not My Dog. I suppose very insane vicinity. We've all just seen each other there.

Yep. Anyway, the woman that I cared for came from brisbane apparently when ndis you get a holiday from yourself if you have i'm looking into ndis okay i could get a holiday from me and you go i don't know the ins and outs but because she was in adelaide tragedy befell her i and i wasn't hers uh i uh looked after her for 12 days and uh that's that but i invited her to the gig in queensland where she lives she came it's it's a big thing for this woman to get out of and she's grieving her mother who's died And it's a big thing for her to get all the way to where this gig was. This human being getting back into...

And we all happen to be getting back into the Tarrago like it's 1998. Getting in a car like it's 1998. Now we just teleport everywhere. No, but like a Tarrago, we're on tour. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We weren't fucking on tour. We were all just getting a lift. Going to the hotel, yeah.

This poor friend of mine who I've cared for, I've got another person I'm caring for in the band, Chrissy, the person who gave me a home, but that's how I got... Focus, Fiona. What's the end of the story? She's in the band as well. Another person who travels with me.

I care for her. She cares for me. We really should get Tom Ballard on the show one day, I reckon, honestly. Come on, Carl. Life's about the journey, not the destination. Exactly. It's like getting in a car. Exactly. And can't you just go...

How many flights have we missed at this point? You can cut this all out. I just have to get it on my chest. I'm using you. Can we leave one in? If it pleases the court. Actually, you could leave. So, she goes...

No, we'll need all this for the Royal Commission. It's the NDIS later on. I love that show. NDIS SVU. I love that show N-D-I-S-S-V-U The hit show of 1998 It's so funny calling back to stuff that I don't even understand It's just What kind of shit that we've heard

I'm like, oh, I remember that Remember before? Yes Understand before? No Still, you will give me some ideas that we've heard. I'm like, oh, remember that? Remember before? Yes. Understand before? No. Still, you will give me some ideas.

Is it worth, I mean, feel free to abandon the story if you don't think it's... No, I am not abandoning it. Okay, all right. Good bits right around the corner. I think it's also funny that Fiona has been on her feet

for like half of this podcast. Yes, yes. In fact, it's this close. It's like, we're now the audience and you are... The car park.

Where the Durago is. We're about to get in the car. I thought that was just a weird metaphor, but it's the next bit of the story. You know what? I don't care how this is received. This is my favourite one of these we've done. I'm having the best time that I've ever had doing this show.

I'm going to masturbate. I'm just going to drop right here. You're the same as me, Tommy. I'm trying to look into the future. What's your reaction to this episode? I don't care. It's a horror show. I don't care.

It's a horror show. I think people are going to say this is my... And I'm the mug. This is people's favourite episode, or this is the point where people never listen to us again. Yeah, it's like ten people's favourite episodes. I don't give a fuck. This has reinvigorated me.

I'm having a great afternoon. June North lives, everybody. Meanwhile, you get to go home. To your family. You get to go home too once you catch four flights. Thank you. I love you so much.

Oh, I cheer up. I love you so much. Oh, I teared up. I love you. This is a message from Miss F. O'Loughlin. Your first flight is leaving the airport. Please stand by for two and three. You only have eight more hours to make it to the departure lounge and eventually get home before we close the airport. We're putting out just a

public address. Fiona O'Loughlin, you happen to have caught your flight. Just warning you that you may have accidentally gotten on a plane. Final warning, you are actually on the plane, Fiona. You've been selected for a random bomb

screening. You've never made it this far into the airport before, and that's aroused suspicion. This must be an Al-Qaeda plot. The dogs can't smell anything on you. Is everything okay? Well, we've hit an hour. Normally I'd say let's wrap it up. Let's just do another 20 just for safety.

You're talking to the microphone. We can't miss a single detail. I forgot. Don't use the mic like a flight. Don't miss it. Don't make it too easy for me on Tuesday. Oh, the problem is there's two stories I haven't finished. And the one.

This is this episode. Hey, mates. See you, mate. You're going to run away. I'm going to turn around. There's going to be no one here. You have to face us now. What's happening?

Okay, so. Where were we? The gig's over. I'm feeling kind of happy I'm not that person at the MC. Yeah, imagine being that person. Yeah. I'm in the Chirago. Or whatever.

With the promoterer there's Luke hanging up the back I think he wants to kill everybody at this point and it doesn't matter me my

my Adelaide patient carer whatever very patient yeah patient and carer I like how you just

swapping roles and looking after each other every five minutes and I have to be very careful that these women don't become codependent to me.

Oh, fucking hell. And me them. Yes, yes. And I said, Chrissie, I'm going home. I'm going back to Dada's house with her to see the home she bought, the home of her mother, blah, blah, blah.

No one's in the fucking business. It's 11 o'clock at night, okay? At which point my saviour says, this isn't happening, I'm calling it. Yeah, Marge Simpson was there. This other comic. Yeah, I'm calling it. Fiona, get in the car.

Who speaks to a human like that? That's only because I'm an addict. No one speaks to someone like that. Why do you have to get in the car? What have you done wrong? Because presumption is I'm going home with a stranger nobody knows to get drunk. Oh, okay.

I'm calling this. I'm sorry, babe. Sorry, babe. Calling it. Calling it. I'm going to call it. I'm calling this. I'm sorry, babe. Sorry, babe. Calling it. Calling it. I'm going to call it. I'm going, I want you dead. But I have to just be sensible because this one is going to blow its top one.

And I turned around. I couldn't believe it was playing out. Very unsafe. She's being left in a car park because of this. And she's... I'm sorry. It doesn't even know that this woman is handy. I nearly said handicapped.

Am I fucking 100? What is it? It's not trendy anymore, that term. She has autism. Wrong syllable on the wrong... Autism. Autism! They're back, by the way. That's when you... Wrong syllable on the wrong emphasis. Autism. Autism.

They're back, by the way. That's when you know the whole train timetable, but you've got a mask on. This was an exciting day for this. You know the thread count of the mask. I'm sorry. I'm just being mindful of getting through this. But this was an exciting night for her. It was lovely.

And this was an intrusion into my rights, I think. Yes. Had to be a big girl. Suck it up, as I said. My handprints are all over. Said I would apologise to her tomorrow. We head home. And then we get to the hotel.

And this, it's the yelling in your face. You need to look good. And I got dressed down at the front of a hotel in a public place and by that, for 20 minutes, screamed out in the face. I was infuriated, I tell you. So, when does someone's arm get broken in this story? Oh, that was the week before when I was caring for it. Oh, my God.

I'm an ambassador for the scooters, the orange ones. There's about to be another one in the next couple of minutes. I'm an ambassador for the scooters, the orange scooter. And she's not very bright. She said, no hands. And I wish you went and broke her up. You're an ambassador for the electric public scooters in Adelaide. Yeah, the orange ones, not the purple ones,

which would coordinate so much better with my wardrobe. Are you sure they're not the mobility scooters? No. Oh, won't that be a sad day when you've got to pick a flag. The face of, yeah. What are the orangeoram scooters? What are they called? They're Lime or Beam or Neuron.

Neuron Day First. I guess you swing past the cemetery. Grab a scooter. I've missed seven of them today already. They're great. Picks. All right. Where does that leave us, folks?

All good things come to an end, and so does this podcast. Can I ask Tom a question? Yes. Tom. Yes, Fiona. What has surprised you most about the reactions of your authorship of this book? Oh, you've got a book. That's Tom.

I don't want to talk about it. Tom. Yes. You don't want to connect it to yourself. Tom. Remember when you were a kid and your mum made you do that and you're not in the mood anymore? Yeah. Come talk about it. Tom. Yes. You don't want to connect it to yourself. Tom. Yes. Remember when you were a kid and your mum made you do that and you're not in the mood anymore?

Yeah. Come and tell us. Thomas. Come perform for your parents' little dinner party. You do have a bookmark in your book like you're only just getting through it, Tom. Well, this is the note to... And what number book? This is number one.

How many have you done? Only two. Two. Yeah, right. Two autobiographies. I know. We can transcribe this episode for you and you can chuck this out two. Two? Yeah, right. Two autobiographies. I know. We can transcribe this episode for you and you can chuck this out as number three. Oh, yeah.

Oh, number three's written. Oh, really? Okay. It's the metaphysical. Okay. Wow. Memoir. A brief history of time.

Fiona Lachlan. Miracles. Pray. Prayer. Prayer. Okay. It's not all about that. Yeah, I wouldn't like

to be a proofreader on this one but yeah oh I want to laugh so loud now Tom the book I'm Millennial

yep out now out now we talked about it I think the last time you were on indeed you were getting ready

to you're finishing it up putting the final touches on it putting the final touches on it. Putting the final touches on it. Yes. Including. A shout out to my friend. Should you read this out?

Would that make the most sense? You want us to read it? Yes, please. Okay. About halfway through the page there and the acknowledgements, promises have been honoured. I thank a range of people.

It's all the acknowledgements, my editors, my parents, my friends. Here we go. Yeah, your management. Yeah. You know, people I've done podcasts with on my podcast over the years.

All these people, da-da-da. And then, yeah, halfway down the page, right near the end of the acknowledgements, to Peter Walser and Jeff Kiev. Wow. What can I say? You've both done it again, and you both continue to do it every day. I feel lucky to know you. Wow.

That's our stage name. That's our podcast name. That's our pseudonyms, Peter Warsaw and Jeff Kiev. I mean, it really, it's hard to follow your stories, Fiona, but there you go. In so many ways. It's hard to follow them afterwards. Follow slash understand.

Just a phrase that Fiona used in one of her stories made me think about a good pseudonym for you, Tom Ballard. Yes. Gene Lotto. I'll take that. You can join the clan. Gene Lotto. Gene Lotto.

That's good. Fiona, it's based on the names came from... You don't care. I won't even. The name came from someone looked at Tommy and said he looks like a Peter Warsaw. It was a friend's girlfriend. Oh! And I was like, you don't know my name, do you?

And she's like, yeah, I do. And I go, what is it then? And she goes, Peter Warsaw. That's an absolute stab in the back. Well, Mr. Franson, Stingent. All right, shall we wrap it up? Please. What do you say, fellas?

I want to thank everyone involved in today's proceedings. And, you know, are you okay days coming up? Thanks, everyone everyone for getting through the slog if you liked it let us know thanks for listening to the shortest episode

Tom hit me up a week ago and said oh can I come on soon to plug the book and I said oh you can but you're not

going to like it did you say yeah if you've listened to this and become dumber and can no longer read, don't worry about it. But if you can, then check out my book.

My audio book's available. It's one of those nice things, you know, when you follow someone on stage that hasn't made sense for like a minute and then you get on and you look really good in comparison. You probably sold 200 books already. There you go, everyone. Out now in stores. You look learned.

I haven't read it yet, but I've been talking to you a lot over the writing of this book, and you really busted your ass writing this thing. You really put a lot of work into it. So it's not one of these things someone churns out a fucking kid's book

in about six hours. You've really been working hard on this thing over the last couple of years. Well, it is 350 pages, but it is about how Grandma farted. Said he does poos. That's good. That's good.

People won't like it. I think there's some funny bits and pieces in there and some dumb, dumb heads. I was plugging it in the People Are Aware Facebook group and was immediately roasted for that, which was great to see. Tom, please. Launch off to a great start.

I want to activate that fan base. Tom, please. There off to a great start. I want to activate that fan base. Tom, please. There's a quote by Dave Hughes on the back. Oh, yes. Yes, who famously agrees with me on all political matters. Can you put aside your whatever it is and tell me, please, what is your favourite paragraph and that you're proud of? Oh, that's a great question.

You know when you write a paragraph and you go, I love that. Love this. I'll give you one. One author to another. Nick Cody. Do you want me to read out my favourite paragraph from Funny Buggers? No. That I didn't write?

I'll tell you mine. The end. Fuck, I wish I had The end in my book The end A list of other people's jokes The end And then PS Just another joke

Well then you've got to Set up the sequel You've got to have Literally just a set up That doesn't have a punchline Who knows what's going to happen In Funny Buggers 2 How many have you got?

Comedy will return In Funny Buggers 2 That's a great idea How many have you got? Comedy will return in Funny Buggers 2. That's a great idea. What have you got? There's a photo of young you. Well, Nick Cody's been reading the book and he just sent me a photo of this. He enjoyed this bit.

This is talking about universities. And I was pretty happy with this. Going to uni and being well-to-do have gone hand-in-hand for a very long time. Back in the day, an Australian man who desired a tertiary education had to have... Slower, slower. Sorry?

Slower. Slower. Going to uni... No, sorry. No. I want to hear every word. Loud and clear, please. Back in the day, an Australian man

who desired a tertiary education had to have the time and money to sail all the way back to England, where he could enjoy all the liberal knowledge and buggery that Oxbridge had to offer. By the 1840s, it had become clear the Australian colonies were in need of more educated professionals to help measure native skulls and demonise the Chinese. So in 1850, New South Wales founded the University of Sydney to facilitate and increase the education of the youth of the higher classes.

Well, I thought it was funnier than you guys did. But when does someone break their arm? And here's chairs to be as queers and junior engineers. Then I missed the fourth flight and I didn't have any weed and I can't get myself off. And I'm fucking a seven-year-old in a bathtub. And all my children have stopped talking to me. And I... Fiona, dare I ask things to Plug? a bathtub and all my children have stopped talking to me and I

Fiona dare I ask things to plug plug yes I have a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, or a magazetnet. Okay. Anyway, I invented it. Go to your socials. It'll all be linked to there. Yes. Fiona Lachlan on Insta, on Twitter, on Facebook.

Yep. FionaO.com.au. Or being lowered gently into the ground in a lovely cemetery near you. Okay. All right. Look out for that. Let's play this episode at your funeral. Yes, please.

Over and over. And over again. What can you say about Fiona that hasn't already been said on episode 636 of The Little Dumb Dumb Club? She had a mind like a steel trap. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates!

Merry Christmas! And they've done it again. Off the bucking bronco in Hooters, onto the plastic mat, and we've set a new record. We've beaten the previous drunk person on there by 30 seconds or something. Yeah, and now our name gets etched onto the wall. Etched onto the orange panties of the server at the bar. Yeah, very mixed metaphor here.

Yes, they are. I don't know why the Mechanical Bull has to be in a Hooters. Because the last one I saw was in Hooters. Okay, canonically in your head, they're in Hooters. That might have been the only bucking bronco thing I've ever seen in a Hooters. Because the last one I saw was in Hooters. Okay, canonically in your head they're in Hooters. That might have been the only bucking bronco thing I've ever seen in a bar.

Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, you know, we come from Australia. You don't really come across them here all that often. Yes. But yeah, look,

we had a great time just, you know, in the eye of the hurricane trying to just throw in our little jibes as much as we could. Yes. You know, you know keep the

keep the keep the ship on track get some gags in there wherever possible trying to keep our hands on the wheel uh for anyone concerned or anything like that i hope you took it all in the way it was meant fiona is in good shape uh if anyone's like i don't know if anyone's a bit fucking crazy or whatever sometimes on the show people go oh are they drunk or anything fiona's not drunk she was all good yeah uh you know she was uh diagnosed with some adult sort of stuff a while back um so you know partly that's maybe your concentration is not as yeah defined as other people's are sometimes um so that's all it is and but she's in great spirits in great form. Yeah, she came down.

We were talking shit for half an hour before. She was getting really, you know, she was getting stuck into the three of us. Yes. Being very funny. Yeah. Which is maybe why I went in thinking like, all right, if you give me an inch here, I'm just going to fucking slag you on the air. Look, as much as I'd like to read out our text messages back and forth,

yeah, she gives as good as she takes, that's for sure. That's it, yeah. And that's the relationship we've always had with her. Yes. So, yeah, I think we had a good time. It was good. And I know people like this because, yeah, I thought it was funny. Different little slice of content for the pod.

Yes. You know what I mean? And, look, we enjoyed it and we were the ones having to sweat through it and do our jobs properly. Exactly. Yeah. You guys get to relax. If you think not for me and, you know, what's your investment? For free in the car.

Yep. Going from A to B. Yep. You've really put barely anything on the line for this. Yeah. We had to, yeah, we had to give up, you know, we're mid-story thinking, where is this going? We've got to get this back on track. Yes.

Because we're at work at the moment. Yes. Anyway, let us know on the socials. I'm sure you'll have some strong opinions. I don't think this is a vanilla episode. Yeah, this one won't. This is a nice little thing, one to shake things up before the end of the year. This isn't flying under the radar. This is boysenberry or something. Yeah, yeah is a nice little thing to shake things up before the end of the year. This isn't flying under the radar.

This is boysenberry or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to let you cunts know about this. Yep. I do not slash do like this. Yep. And hey, big thanks to Tom Ballard for helping us weather the storm. Yeah, for being there at various stages.

Yeah. Yeah, I reckon he's... You ever have to write an article or write something where you go, oh, fuck, how long to go? And you do the word count. 200 words. Fuck, I'm supposed to do 300. Like, I'd like to do a word count on Ballard on that episode.

65 words. Come on, Ballard. You're supposed to give 5,000. If someone wants to do the transcript of this episode and work out the ratio of Fiona speaking to the rest of us speaking, that would be very interesting.

That would be great to chuck that into a machine and have that happen. Yeah, if anyone knows, if anyone has a piece of software that can do that for us, then please, by all means.

That would be great. Hey, speaking of end of the year, we haven't talked about this off air. Maybe we should talk about this on air. But maybe by the time this episode comes out, maybe we should do the voting for the episode of the year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the date?

I mean, I do have to still edit the rest of that for the rest of the day. Oh, right. That's one extra task of putting the poll up. Let's say we'll have it up in the next few days. Yes. Keep an eye out. Keep an eye out on the socials. Yep.

We'll put it up soon. This is your notice to kind of like start thinking about what was your favourite episode. Yes. Yes. An episode. It'll be on the socials. It'll be – I'll get it on the website as well.

Yeah. Put it on the website as well. So if you don't follow us on the socials, all that sort of stuff, you can just go directly to the website. Maybe you can do a bit of last-minute shopping and grab a T-shirt. I've noticed a few people doing that lately. If you are buying a T-shirt, a bit of merch,

let us know if it's for someone else. Because I like to put in a handwritten no. Oh, yeah. If it's for – if Joe Bloggs buys one and I'm like, Hey, hey, hey. Bloggs-y. Hey, hey, Bloggs-y. And then it's like you're handing it off to your neighbour.

Yep. It's like, well, that's not much of a present, is it? Yeah, exactly. So let us know if it's for someone else and we can do it for someone else instead. Have the inscription for someone else. Well, something else you can get for yourself or someone else is tickets to our upcoming month of shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. What an ideal stocking stuffer, Tommy.

Saturdays in April, the 1st, the 8th, the 15th and the 22nd of April at the European Beer Cafe, Saturday afternoons, 4.30pm. Sorry, Tommy, I'm going to have to stop you there. Oh, Christ. The European Beer Cafe is being rebranded. I think it's going to have a different name by the time we go there. Right. And what will that be?

God. I don't know if it's official yet, but it's going to have a different name. Yeah. I better not say it just in case it's called. Well, thanks for piping up. Just to let you know. To let everyone else know. When it gets to doing those shows and I put European Beer Cafe into my Uber,

and all of a sudden I'm like, you know that softball episode of The Simpsons where there's the guy that falls into the mystery hole? And he's like, yeah, that's where my Uber ends because the European Beer Cafe no longer exists. So I'm basically in like a Bermuda Triangle situation where I'm trapped in another realm. It's such an annoying name. It's always been an annoying name.

And it's like, you know, it's been affiliated with us because we've always done our melbourne pods and stuff there but european beer cafe it's there's a there's a restaurant called the european that's around the corner just around the corner and then there's a place called the belgian beer cafe yes that people have gone to or or people just non-stop always say to me are you run comedy at the belgian beer cafe i like, no, I fucking don't. Well, yeah, I mean, I've told people, and shorthand, you'll just go like Euro or European, and I've mentioned doing shows there,

and people have thought that that means the restaurant. Yeah. And that's actually kind of been a good thing for me that they've thought that, because it's quite a fancy restaurant. So it's like, fucking hell, you're doing all right. It's also small, though. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, it's quite a fancy restaurant. So it's like, you're doing all right. It's also small though. Yeah.

Yeah. But I mean, it's like this assumption that it's like, you know, oh, you've been invited to perform at Flower Drum. You know what I mean? It's like, fuck, you must be doing all right. What is this? Some like high flying corporate luncheon that you're doing? That's a funny idea that it's like, no, it's better.

Like Dave Chappelle comes out and plays like the Telstra Dome. Yeah. Nah, you'd rather be playing Rockpool. That's cooler. That's, like, that's pretty highfalutin. It's more prestigious to play wherever is more expensive. Whatever has the more expensive stakes, that's the better comedy venue. One of those bars with, like, eight seats, but they've got, like, the most expensive Negroni in Melbourne.

Right, right. It's like, that's the prestige venue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, yeah. Great. Well, looking forward to playing the Atlantic at Crown next time. It will be awesome if they change.

So you know what the name is, but it's not public yet. You've been told what the name is? I have been told. Okay. Now, in your opinion, better or worse than the name? That's a great question, Tommy. I was about to say, I'd struggle to see how it could possibly be worse,

but wow, I can't wait. Well, that's what I thought. Oh, okay. So they've changed it so like cafes spelt wrong as well? The European Beer Cafe. The Oriental Beer Cafe. Oh, yeah. Now, the fuck, I'd love that.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. If that's what they did, if they just gutted it and it was all, like, Korean beers and Japanese beers on tap. I'd love that. That'd be fucking awesome. I'd love that. Get Cass.

Yeah. Get some Asahi. Get some Orion. Get some Chang. Get some Singer. Fuck, are there? I guess there are. There are, like, Asian food halls and stuff in Melbourne that are, like, you know, those, yeah, there are venues that are just, like, general, all-purpose Asian.

They're not, like, They're not specifically Japanese. The more suburban you go, I like that when you walk out there, when you go out into the suburb. About 30 minutes out and you start to see Asian food as the name of a shop. I've got to say, as a purist, it really does kind of rankle you a bit. But then it's like, yeah, the older you get, if you're in a place, especially if you're with a group and it's like, yeah yeah we've got ramen and we've got sweet and sour pork you know what i mean like they've just got everything under the one umbrella it's like you know what

this rules this is actually so convenient yeah i love that i can just get like all my favorite dishes in one table yeah but anyway yeah so we we really um we've really muddied the message here. Saturdays in April, upstairs, 4.30pm at whatever the fuck this place ends up being called. Where we've been the last, God, 10 years or something like that. It's gone from the European Beer Cafe. It's gone from the EBC to the TBC. Oh, brother. Pretty cool. Pretty cool.

So yeah, check that out. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where the tickets are right now. I told my wife the new name of it and she said, is that an accounting firm? No, it's not. Oh, that's a good hint. Yeah. Maybe we should run like a little sweeps.

People can get on and guess what the new name is. And whoever gets closest without going over gets a free ticket or something. Yeah, maybe, maybe. We have a raft of prizes for closest and... Oh, yeah. And best. Closest and best, yeah. Because it's like closest,

it's like no one's going to get it correct. Yes. But then we have to listen to all these other names and be like, spiritually, which of these do we feel is the closest to what the name

ended up being? I like that as a challenge. What's the name of a venue that we would like to perform in? Yeah. Yeah. Submit your answers online for what you think. Yes.

The new name of the UGNB Cafe would be called. What do you think of the venue that we regularly perform in should be called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if it'll be a bit like, I can only think of one example of a musician that's done this. So there's a guy called Chet Faker. Do you know him? He was pretty big at one point i guess he's still big he changed his name from his real name to that and then back again yes so his real

birth name's nick murphy he was chet faker for a while and then he i think quite rightly at one point went this is stupid he's not wrong right but what he is wrong about is like you can't go back yeah he's like but then so for a while on all gig posters, it was like Nick Murphy brackets, FKA Chet Faker. And it's like, if you're having to do that, you've just got to stick with it. Most bands with stupid names, do you think they still want to be lugging that name around? Yeah, but you know what? That's not his call. You know that.

It's like, he's not going, yeah, right. I'm going back to my real name, but I'll put that. That's the promoter's going. No, but that's what I mean. It's like, you're seeing that. You're being told that. You've just got to accept that you're stuck. Yeah.

So I wonder if it's going to be a similar thing with this new place. I don't think so. Records NKA. I don't think so. You've been big at that. I don't think there was any hardcore fans. Yeah. Well, you know, you sometimes do see a place like even just changes hands,

and it does take a long time for Google Maps and stuff to update, like all the online listings that people use. You put in an Uber and it's like, I don't know where that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be confusing. It's a big call. It's a big call to do a big name change. But I am looking forward to it because it means the whole place is getting renovated,

which means where we do the podcast is going to be renovated. The Basement Comedy Club is going to be renovated. The basement comedy club is going to be renovated. It's all going to be schmick. And I've seen plans. It looks great. Cool. So that will be good. And it will be so good you'll ignore the new name that it's got.

Pokey's room going in? I don't think so. Ball pit for the kiddies? That would be good. That would be good. I brought my daughter. I brought a little blanket in there the other day to see where Daddy works. It was her first time.

She came in and then I brought her down to the basement and put her on, I put her in the audience. Oh, here we go. Put the lights on and everything. Yep. And then got up with the mic and she was the only person in the audience and I just got up and was like, hey everyone, you got a stinky bum. This was last Friday's show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big night. And yeah, she loves it. And then did you do the classic? I've seen a few people do this that have kids. You get them up on stage. Now they're holding the mic and they're doing a little bit of comedy. How'd she like that?

Well, yeah, she loves it, but she's a hack. Because my one bit was I got up there and went, I said, Hi, my name's Blanket. I've got a stinky bum. Roasting the audience. Doing some sweet crowd work. And she was just like, absolutely losing it. Yeah, yeah.

I don't knock the tit out of your mouth. So then she, I go, come on, come on, come up. And then she gets up. And I go, here you go. Here's the mic. Oh, you're doing a bit of, you think it's so easy? Yeah, yeah. You fucking get up here, mate. So she gets up and goes're doing a bit of you think it's so easy yeah you fucking get up so she gets up and goes hi my name's daddy and i got a stinky bum like you hack that's good that's

mine that's my gear something funny about the phrase my name's daddy i do like that all right well yeah uh exciting stuff get down in april but uh hey in the meantime if you look another way that you can give us money. We're giving you so many options. There's lots of different ways to give us money. We're giving you so many options. There's been people on the street that have given me money out of their pocket. Yeah, right.

They've just come up and gone, love the show. Never been to a live show. Not going to. Not on Patreon. Here's a 20. Okay. I had a guy come up to me over the weekend at the Meredith Music Festival, listener of the pod at about, when was it?

Probably about 10 p.m. on the Friday night. He's like, big fan of the pod. I know you love Japan. I saw you over here. I went back to my cooler bag, and I know you love Japan. I got one of my strong zero drinks, and I want you to have it. Wow. Thanks, man.

And then I start drinking. I'm like, oh, that's right. The word strong in the title of this is not meant to be a red herring right these are incredibly alcoholic oh really and then i was on my ass about five minutes later what percentage are they uh they're like six percent which isn't insane but you know it's like i was trying to i was on the mid-strength beers all weekend you know i was trying to keep myself pretty civil and that was like just that level of alcohol and it's like a very, like it's just like a lemonade.

Right. So you just absolutely slam it down because you can't taste a shred of alcohol in it and then all of a sudden it's like, whew,

this is really hitting. Yeah, right. But still, great drink and very appreciated. Great. Thank you to that man for just coming

and handing me a beer from the crowd. and that just reminds me, there are people that come up on the street and say hi and they listen to the show and stuff like that. Bring a present next time.

Yeah, give us some cash out of your wallet. Give us something in your pocket. Just handing us cash in the street. Yes. Yeah, would be very appreciated. Yes. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, yeah. Remind me, by the way, I owe you some money from the last live gig we did. I just got some cash the other day from the venue and went, oh, there was a couple of cash sales. So, yeah. Actually, no, I've got my wallet on me. Don't remind me. I'll give it to you right now.

Okay. A real life transaction. Yeah. I can pretend right now that I'm a fan on the street right now. All right. Hey, Tommy. Yeah. Love the show.

Hate your Patreon episodes. Hate your live shows. Yep. Fuck you in general. But there was... I love that episode where Fiona sounded like she was off her fucking head. Oh, right. But she wasn't.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, 50 bucks. So take that. I just like held it up to who? Yeah. Thanks, Carl. Yeah, no worries. I appreciate that.

A 50. Yeah. Wow. That's a big investment. What do you think you're going to do there? Coming up on the street. What am I going to do with this 50? Yeah. That's a big investment. What do you think you're going to do there? What am I going to do with this 50? Yeah.

That's a good question. Maybe it'll go towards dinner tonight. Oh, yeah? I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do for dinner tonight, honestly. Okay. Sorry to hear that. I'm going to a preview of Avatar 2, which has a runtime. See if you can do the maths of this.

By preview, is this like a working progress? Do you get to go in and yell out notes and whatever to them? Jimmy Cameron, make them bluer. No, I mean, it's out on Friday. So, I mean, I could. I could do that. But I don't think. I think it'll fall on deaf ears.

I think it'll fall on deaf blue ears. But runtime, 193 minutes i was like i've never seen i've never seen those numbers together before in the context of a film that's three and a quarter hours yeah starts it get there six for a 645 screening so it's like when are these pricks thinking i'm having dinner and also honest to god. You said you're editing this episode today as well. Yeah. And watching Avatar 2. It's up the road from my house.

You know how many... I'm going to be there at like 6.30. You know that the days still have 24 hours in them, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get home, I've got about six hours to do it. Fuck. I'll be right. Jeez, that's a big day.

Yeah, yeah. It's not ideal. You wouldn't want to jam anything more in that day. No. But I'll be right. But yeah, anyway, I'll spend it on dinner at fucking, I don't know, 10.30pm. Just whatever I can find that's open at that time. Wow.

But yeah, look, we keep getting sidetracked. You can, of course, support the show if you've gone fully cashless and you see us in the street all the time and you're thinking, well, I'm never going to be able to give these guys money in the street. What you can do is get onto our Patreon and you can put the money in there. It's true. And then in exchange,

you get two bonus mini episodes a week, nearly 300 up there. You get the entire back catalogue right now if you get on there. It's a fantastic value proposition. If you listen to all of them back to back, I reckon you could still catch Avatar 2 at the end of it.

Oh yeah, interesting. So check that out. And of course, you go into the draw to get your name read, interesting. Interesting. So check that out. And of course, you go into the draw to get your name read out and thanked in this part of the show. What a treat.

Let's do some. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week, it is Riley Livett. Riley Livett. I like the name Riley.

L-I-V-E double T. That's Livett. You can't say Livett. It wouldn't be Livett. It's got to be Livet. I like the name Riley. L-I-V-E double T. That's Livet. You can't say Livet. It wouldn't be Livet. It's got to be Livet. It's got to be Livet. Yeah. You've got to live it.

Yeah. Riley's a girl's name. Boy's name? I'm thinking guy. Okay. I know, yeah. I know the one Riley I've met in my life was a male. So as far as I'm concerned, that's 100% evidence in that corner.

Locked in. 100% locked in. It does sound a bit like when you say it out loud, because I've seen this name on the socials a bit, when you say it out loud, it does sound like livid. So it's like, you know, that does kind of make him sound like a bit of an angry person. I've looked up this person in the millionaire group, in the Facebook group.

And look, it's good. It's a guy. I think you'll appreciate the graphic I'm about to show you. The one picture that I can find that's at the top of his feed, there's very limited information. You mean you've looked him up and then it's like you go onto the page and it just shows you what they've done in that group? No. Or you just mean his page in general?

His page in general. You've gone full like, okay. You just look up the picture that you've got at the top of the page, that's it. He's added a temporary profile picture four years ago that's still there. I love a bit of that. People still pumped that marriage equality passed in Belgium or wherever. It was the first place that got it.

Yeah. I think you'll particularly like this, and I'll explain this for the listener. Yeah, that's good. It's a bad picture of this person with his eyes closed, looking a bit off. Yeah. And then it's a picture of him on a cartridge, like a Nintendo cartridge, and the graphics say Super 64 Drongo.

They've mocked up in the font style of Super Mario 64, but it says Super Drongo 64. Yes. And so this has been made to look as if this is the cover art for a cartridge game on the Nintendo 64 called Super Drongo 64. But then... That's not where it ends. Yeah, but then they've also got the hashtag

Go Soccer stamped on top of it. Is that meant to be a Socceroos thing? Because he's in a Socceroos shirt, isn't he? I just think there's too much going on. I think there's been three things jammed together and made it look like an absolute shit pie. We were talking off-air about Comedy Festival poster design, and boy, that would make a beauty, wouldn't it? You're doing your show called Super Drongo 64.

You keep saying it wrong. Super 64 Drongo. No, but it's the logo of Super Mario 64, so he's riffing on that, which has always, which that's how that looks. And it is formatted weirdly. Oh, okay. That's weird. Yeah. All right.

You have to read it out of order. Yeah. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Okay. It was a brave new world when that game came out. Right.

They were experimenting with 3D. Right. But I think that's what he's going for. Look, Riley, let us know. You know, we could, I could be dead wrong on this. The intended, the intended layout of it could be Super 64 Drongo. Yeah. It does sound better.

I like it. I like that better. Super 64 Drongo, go soccer. That is a good sounding... I might get into gaming if there's a game called Super 64 Drongo, go soccer. Yeah, I mean, maybe his friends did make this up. Because what's pretty common online is people will's a game called super 64 drongo go soccer yeah i mean maybe his friends did make this up because what's pretty common online is like people will take a game they'll get the code of it they'll fuck around with it and it'll be like oh now you can play as homer simpson in sonic

the hedgehog or whatever so his friends may well have taken the source code for super mario 64 put him into it yeah put riley into in place of Mario, and gotten this all pressed up onto a cartridge and given it to him as a 21st present. So there you go, mate. So I've got two things to say to you, Tommy, which is, number one, on top of all that, there's one comment underneath it that just says, Jesus, Riley. Is that you? You've gone too far this time, Riley.

So, second of all, what happens in Super Drongo 64? The game. Well, yeah, I'm trying to think. I'm guessing, like, I mean, if he's got the whole soccer reference in there, it's like... We don't need the soccer, but, like, you know... But it's featuring in the cover art, so it must be relevant in some way. It's something to grab onto. Like, you know, in Super Mario 64, you're going into the castle to try and rescue Princess Peach. You know, maybe he's trying to, like, I don't know, maybe he's trying to collect

enough coins to get money to go and watch the World Cup in Qatar. Well, because he's a drongo, maybe like there's Princess Peach, but he's grabbing all the coins and going to the pokies with them. That could be it. Yeah. Yeah, that could be it. That's something. He's going to the pokies room at the new, you know, European Drongo Cafe.

Yes. Or whatever it's going to be called now. The great TBC Cafe. new European Drongo Cafe. Yes. Or whatever it's going to be called now. The great TBC Cafe. The European Drongo Cafe. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah. And Drongo spelt wrong as well.

Yeah, exactly. Drongo. Dringo. Well, thanks. European Dringo Cafe. Yeah, because it almost sounds like drink. So it's like it's still getting across that it's a bar.

That European Dringo Cafe. Yeah. That's cool. That's cool. Why is cafe in there? I don know do they serve coffee no oh yes but like one of those ones inexplicably where they where someone will just come up and go do you sell cafe do you sell coffee and they go yeah we can make one and so you can get one in this pub i don't it's such a pass out answer isn't it yeah yeah we can make one yeah implied we'd we'd honestly rather not yeah like if you

can actually just fuck off for half an hour yeah go to starbucks and then come back yes we'd love that there was a 7-eleven like next door just go and grab a dollar one yeah yeah yeah because it's like guess what we don't have an on-staff barista here. Yes. So someone's going to be – you're going to get it, and then we're going to see the look on your face like, not very good. Yeah. None of us wants this to happen. Yeah.

You know what I've been getting a lot of lately? Look, I'm dobbing on some people I work with. But, you know, like, you pour a beer. Like, you can't get away with pouring shit beer in a pub. You're paying good money for a beer. Yeah. Someone – you know, there's this you pour a beer like you can't get away with pouring shit beer in a pub you're paying good money for a beer yeah someone that you know you need to pour that's the first i reckon that's got to be the first thing you need to know how to do as a bar staff sure yeah pour a decent beer this is what i copy in in in uh you know i run comedy explain on mondays yep they and i say it to them over and over, they don't pour a Coke like a beer. They just go, we don't need to know how to pour a Coke.

We just fucking tip a bottle or a can upside down and let it do its fucking thing. Oh, so you get the big frothy. So you get the massive head on the Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a thought out there that they're not related, that you need to know how to pour it properly. Because if you pour and you get like six inches of head, it fucks the Coke. It's done now.

It's gone. You've got a flat Coke. How do people not know this? Well, you don't want blanket coming into your work and watching daddy get six inches of head. It's the first time I've complained about it. Yeah, exactly. When I'm off work, fine.

Happy to have that happen. But here in the office, no thank you. Yeah, when it's got soft drink. All right, well, thanks, Riley. Thanks, Riley, you super drongo. Thanks, super drongo64. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jono Mackay.

Mackay. M-A-K-A-Y. Mackay? I guess. Yeah. I think that's right. I guess so. Jonay. M-A-K-A-I. Mackay? I guess. Yeah. I think that's right. I guess so. Jono.

Yeah. It's a nice mix of cultures there, isn't it? It is. I quite like, too, that he's just, yeah, when he's signing up to things, he's just going in hard with Jono. Not Jon, not Jonathan, just straight up. I'm Jono. J-O-N-O.

Yeah. It does seem... I mean, I feel like it's rare that you have people that would introduce themselves to you as Jono. Really? Yeah, I think so. You know more Jonathans? I know more Johns, yeah.

It is one of those funny names where you go, my name is now Jono. Is it? Yeah, it's an abbreviation. No, it's not. Because you've added another letter that was never there. Yeah. John O. There's no O.

You've got two O's in your name now. You only had one before. You've changed your name. You're not abbreviating. I can't really comment on that. Oh, yeah. Okay. I have to.

That does. I don't want to purge it myself. Actually, you're right. That is maybe the most radical change of a name. Tommy. Yeah. You go from Thomas.. That is maybe the most radical change of a name, Tommy. Yeah. You go from Thomas. Yep.

You've only kept... Even just going to Tom. It's like you're not just chopping off half of it. Yeah. We accept that. It's like this other letter, this other second letter in here, this has to go as well. Yeah. We can't have it. That's a real change.

T, you've kept the T, the O and the M. You don't have to. Yeah, but I've never, I'm thinking out loud, I've never thought about it before. This is a radical thought for me. I've been gaslit by you all those years. Yeah, I just love it. It's not your name.

The great broadcasting of like, so it's T-H, but what you've done. And we just spend like five hours on this. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's obvious to everyone else. To me, it's like, fuck, what have I been? I've been living someone else's lie. I thought it was funny that you were just, you were really going hard on Jono. And I'm sitting here like, mm-hmm.

Keeping mum on the subject. Yeah, yeah. What's the origins of that phrase? Keeping mum. Keeping mum, yeah. What's that meant to imply? That mums don't... Because it's like, I'm shutting up.

I'm not saying anything about that topic. Yeah, mums are... I'm keeping mum. Mum's the word. Oh, yeah. So it must be linked to that. Why is mum... What's going on here?

Mums are good at keeping secrets for some reason. I guess. Fuck, not mine. Where... Oh, my God. I've just looked it up. What have you got? You would never have guessed this.

Okay. What does keeping mum come from? Yep. Keeping mum may be a reference to the wax used to prepare Egyptian mummies by burial. By 1704, people were saying mum's the word, referencing the idea of keeping mum. As in... Wait, so keeping mum, keeping a secret...

Yeah. ...is... Is like putting wax all over a dead body. ...on the bandages of the mummy so that the dead won't... So that's keeping the secret of the dead. They're staying dead. They're not rising again. So the guts don't fall out.

Yeah. I guess. I'm so glad we looked this up. It's genuinely fascinating. Also... Of all the things we've ever Googled and been like, what's this mean?

And then it's like the answer is so boring or like we could have honestly worked it out if we thought about it for five seconds. This is so genuinely interesting. You would never have. I think that's going too far. But I think it's the most ridiculous fucking answer to anything we've asked.

That is insane. I only followed up by the second guess or whatever the fuck this is. Oh, yeah. Mum is also linked to mumps, abbreviation if you will yep a disease which causes a painful swelling of the face which makes it difficult to talk oh keeping mum what so it's either those two answers are fucking insane no they're both great like they both make so much sense they don't if you but if you think about where... So what you think it makes more sense... That is such a stretch.

If it's just... You think it makes more sense for the saying to come from, like, yeah, someone's mum once was really good at keeping secrets. So that's the gist of it. Yes. It's like it totally makes sense that it goes back as far as the Egyptians. But it's also like... I just love this hedging of the bets.

It's either, like, it goes back that far or just to, like, I don't know, disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slaying based on that. It is. It's like... What's that game show where I don't know, disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slaying based on that. It is. It's like, what's that game show where you, you know, you get someone to lie? Is it Would I Lie To You? Or is there another show like that when you go, oh, what's the origins of this? And then you just say, oh, it's preparing Egyptian mummies or it's mumps.

And you go, this is fucking bullshit. The show where people lie to you, The Nightly News. Oh, very nice. The Nightly 6pm News. That's cool. If that's the show where they lie to you, The Nightly News. Oh, very nice. The Nightly 6pm News. That's cool. If that's the show where they lie to you. Oh, yeah. Who's the local newsreader here?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I think he's some ethnic guy. That's right. Oh, that's his name. Pinocchio. Oh, okay. Right. There we go.

Man, I thought we got you out of the rabbit hole, but you're still in it. Damn it. Damn it. That is a good sketch. Pinocchio is the nightly newsreader. Yeah. And he's just like, you know, this story. God.

Elon's got to you too on Twitter, hasn't he? Oh, yeah. I'm back in, baby. I'm loving it. I'm loving my time on Twitter at the moment. Damn. Okay. Well, that's good.

That's good that we know two options. That's great. You know, this is like a, you know, even if you didn't like the content in the guts of the episode, at the very least you've learnt a nice little dinner party fact that you can whip out. Yep. This is like, you know,

sometimes this show functions as like a Fantails rapper or the lead of a Spring Valley bottle. Yes. Well, thanks. Who the hell was this again? Well, I've now looked up another meaning of it, which is mum is a middle English word meaning silent.

I think that's definitely where it came from. Not the other things. That sounds like the most likely. Yes. That is note the most... Not the other things. That sounds like the most likely. Yes. That is... Note the similar English word, mime. Yeah, well, this is what I mean. It's like, that's the answer that's, like, way less interesting. Yeah.

That's like, you know, normally we look these things up and it's like, yes, it's a word in another language that we stole. Yes. You know, I'd rather live in the reality where it's, like, derived from putting some wax on a dead body's bandages. Yes. But thanks. Who the hell was that? Mum. Thanks, Jono.

Jono's mum. Thanks, Jono's mum. Yeah. Luckily, we didn't keep mum about your name. It was your time to be read out. Jono Maka. Jono. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Danny Marshall

Danny Marshall Danny Marshall Hmm Okay More of a mainstream name Than what we've had to play with Yeah I'm thinking Marshall Amps Yeah I'm thinking Danny

You know very similar to what we've just dealt with in terms of johnno tommy you know no y and daniel but yeah yeah you just whacked it on there for some reason though there's just something about and obviously i'm fully aware that you know there's massive personal bias going on here but there is something about johnno that registers as to me as more of a leap than a tommy Tommy or a Danny or a Sammy or anything like that. Maybe it's the O. There's just kind of something about it that just seems like more of a leap.

But also Daniel Marshall sounds like shit. I completely understand going for Danny. Daniel Marshall. Yeah. Do you reckon, how many years left have you got in Tommy as a name? It's a great question. So you go to Thomas. Yeah.

I mean, if I just quit comedy and get into some other profession, I would like to choose a profession based on being a good one to be a Thomas in. Right. Something like quite, like an archaeologist. That is cool though, the idea of you retiring from comedy and then just going back to identifying just as Thomas Allsop. Yeah, I mean, like the idea that I just keep... Disappearing from public life. Yeah, I mean, keep my stage name to work at an accounting firm or something.

It would be insane, just truly just truly insane yeah like getting my like you know getting my id card for the building and being like i'm sorry there's been a big sorry i should have i actually have a bit of a stage name that you know i was using in comedy and i guess it does make more sense in that but like you know it's been nearly 20 years now and i am quite attached to it so i think even though now I am living my life as a boring civilian, a muggle as Danny McGinley refers to people outside of show business, I am going to have to insist that people continue to call me by my stage name. I like the opposite.

I like the idea of you 20 years from now, just someone on holiday in Mexico, Olivia Newton-John's partner style, someone in Mexico just walking past someone just tending to a fishing boat and going, Tommy? Yeah. And then you just flipping around going, it's Thomas. No, it's Thomas.

You must be confused. I believe you're thinking of someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You must be thinking of someone else. Completely different names. My name is Thomas Alsop. My name is Thomas Alsop. And I've been looking after this fisherman's boat for nigh on 45 years.

Thank you. A podcast. What's that? Australia? Never heard of it. Yeah, a podcast. What's, what, like the iPod? Like what I'm doing here on this boat, casting a rod.

Yeah. Is that what you mean? Then yes, I am. Yeah. I'm casting things on here. I only listen to talkback radio. Yeah. Out on the open sea.

On this transistor radio I've got right here. Yeah. Mexico FM. Yeah, I mean, fuck, the more you're saying it, it does sound pretty nice. It does sound good. Yeah. And I like the idea of... Civilian life.

Yeah. Just retiring that name, refusing to answer to it. It's just, there's just something so funny about, like, the need in showbiz to, like, to really feel like it's us and them. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's us in this job and there's everyone else. I think there's very few professions that really, I mean, I guess cops probably do. Like any kind of like elevated, like, you know, we're serving the community.

Like we're looking after people. Like they probably have a bit of that mentality. But to kind of think that is just like, you know, you perform in front of people is like truly insane. It's truly batshit mentality. It's an odd. you perform in front of people is like truly insane it's truly batshit mentality it's an odd i always find that an odd relationship with doing a gig and then i i don't love doing it but like then straight after like i did it last night i really did take note of it i did a spot and then i immediately had to leave but i had to go through the audience and then i'm dealing with people on

the way through and it's just that weird thing of being like, yeah, people look at you like, yeah, you were like two feet in the air before and now you're just one of us. That's fucking weird. Well, I always think like when I'm at a gig and it's like just doing a spot or whatever and I'm like at the bar beforehand and maybe you have like a weird interaction with someone where they like, you know, they accidentally cut in front of you and then they apologize or like you know someone just like says something funny in a in a bathroom because they just think you're a you know they think you're just a stranger who's also there to watch the show yeah and then i always just think like

if i've interacted with the person and they're not like a listener of the pod who knows who i am just like get ready to have your fucking mind blown in about half an hour brother you know what i mean it's like so you get up there and be like oh fuck yeah especially if they've been a bit like oh yeah what's going on here a little fucking comment you know what i mean like if you can tell they're a bit like they've been dragged to this comedy show by someone else yeah i love it i liked the other week i emceed and then in the break when i've been doing a lot of crowd work and then in the break walked upstairs and had to walk directly past the the women's toilets and there's like a it's halftime there's a massive line out the front and just walk walking through this line of women and then sort of being like oh yeah this is sort of weird like just weird for them to be you know

for me to be like walking past going oh you line up to do a shit are you ladies uh but then then you're right that is weird i didn't say that but not that weird for you to be hanging outside the women's toilets well yeah yeah so uh then walked through and then one girl just it was like a little bit weird and then just as I got to the end, one woman just goes, hey, look, it's the MC. Get him. Well, you know, I definitely can empathize because over the weekend was at the Meredith Music Festival and the toilet situation will be there's like kind of a urinal set up for guys, like dotted around,

and then there's also like big kind of like cubicle things, right? So any woman lining up, well, I mean, this happens everywhere, but I just have been dealing with this for, you know, three straight days. Any woman dealing up at the cubicle, it's like, could be doing anything in there. The guy lining up for the cubicle, you're shitting. You are shitting. And because it's like a mixed, you know, it's just like genderless.

So you really do feel like you'll be in the line, you surrounded by ladies. Yeah. And it's like, you've really got to block the thought out of your head. It's like every woman here knows that I'm just about to absolutely let rip in there. Yeah, yeah. You feel very judged. Wow. So you finally, you found out the secret.

Girls do do poo. Oh, that's cool. Well, but I'm saying they have the smoke screen. Right. They could be doing anything in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Whereas me, Oh, that's cool. Well, but I'm saying they have the smoke screen. They could be doing anything in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Whereas me, just, yeah, really, really going for it.

Yes, no, you're right. You're right. Men do poo. That's what we've learned. Okay. Well, thanks, Danny Marshall. Thanks, Danny. Thanks, Marshall.

You really amped up the Patreon rate just there. Oh, nice. That's cool. Thanks for subscribing, guys. Patreon rate. Oh, nice. That's cool. Thanks for subscribing, guys.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Evan Burton. Okay. All right. Yeah. I wonder if this guy's related to Tim Burton. Oh. The auteur. No, probably not.

Maybe. Be good. Be good if he was. Maybe he could have a word to his brother and say, listen, Tim. Crazy, crazy concept. Stop making shit movies. How about, how about one movie? Out, J. Depp.

In, T. Daslow, K. Chandler. Yeah. How about this Tim stop remaking other movies badly yeah have a crack

once at a new IP and cast T Daslow and Kay Chandler yeah yeah and make it like in a normal world

rather than some fucking fairy floss yeah gothic yeah fucking world that you're still living in from when you were 13 years old. Absolutely.

Grow up, cunt, is what we're saying. I'm looking at a toy sandwich that is on your play table. Has it come to that time? I'm getting hungry. Right. You can have a bite if you like. Can I really? Absolute bastard of a morning for me.

Looks like a good sandwich though, doesn't it? It does look good. Yeah, if that was real. I'd want it bigger, but also scale-wise for a three-year-old. Yeah. It's like, yeah, that being relative to my size. Yeah.

What do we got there? We got a little tomato, a big hunk of lettuce, and a pretty thin little beetroot or beef. If that's beef, that's so thin relative to the slice of tomato. What do you reckon that is? I guess it's meant to be beef. Yeah, it's meant to be beef. But look how thin it is.

The tomato is like twice the size. Yeah, that's okay. They ought to have that. We were going to do this at mine and then I was like, oh, hey, is it easier if I come to yours and you were like yeah let's do it here and I was like yeah cool and then I remembered that my girlfriend has my car today

so I'm like oh for fuck's sake I fucked this and then I thought ah you know what it was kind of a nice morning I thought I'll just walk to the tram and then get the tram down that's fine I was kind of getting ready to go and then a friend I was with over the weekend

sent a message to the group chat and was like guys I've just tested positive to COVID and I was like fuck

I guess I'd better do a rat test before I go over there so then I had to do all that wait for the result and then by the time I did all that I was like

well now I'm just running out of time I've got to get an Uber I've just literally from go to woe this morning it's been a complete

shit show just a debacle. Yeah. And now I'm hungry. Yeah, you're hungry. On top of all of that. And, you know, part of why I was thinking I'd come down here, I'll have the car, you know, take a little trip around a different suburb, you know, get my lunch down there when we're done.

Yeah. Can't do that now. Yeah, you can get that sandwich joint on the way home. You can get, you can't. Bridge Road's not the best. It's true. It's not the best. But I've also got this big...

I don't really want to lug this big bag of gear around too much. It's pretty heavy. So what are you going to do? All the rig. I guess I'll just Uber back. Okay. Seems like a waste. It is a bit of a waste.

But, you know, I've got to... Hey, I've got to get editing. I've got to get down to the joist job of chopping out whatever just happened in what people just heard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough.

Well, I mean, Evan Burton, I hope you're listening to this over a delicious lunch and you're not having the pangs of hunger that we're having. What are you going to get? I reckon I'm going to, a very rare time of staying at home, I bought, I made, I cooked chicken yesterday and then put it in a sandwich. Okay. That was pretty good. How'd you cook it?

I bought one of those cheap marinades. Oh yeah. And like a satay marinade and had a satay chicken sandwich. That's pretty good. Yeah. I didn't mind it at all.

That's pretty good. I've got one of those muscle chef meals in there as a backup as well. Yep, yep. As a backup. Yeah. If, yep. As a backup. If the sandwich goes awry, the Muscle Chef comes in. Yeah.

Okay, interesting, interesting. Yeah, the Muscle Chef's the stuff that Nazeem Hussain, a friend of the show, is obsessed with. Yep. Went to his house. Probably not anymore. Now that he's married, when he was a single man, went to his house one day and opened the fridge

and it was just that. It was like a... Wall-to-wall muscle shift. Yeah, it was just like a... You know, when you see a TV open on... A fridge open on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just see like 50 of something.

And that's like for a sketch or like a cartoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, it was just... Just muscle shift meals. Very, very odd. But anyway, they're okay. So, that's interesting. Yeah. It was just, just Muscle Chef meals. Mm-hmm. Very, very odd.

But anyway, they're okay. So I guess I'm doing that. I guess I'm, you know what? Because that's the thing. You go out to lunch, you go and do something. All of a sudden you're out there all, like, for way too long. It's a time suck. Yeah.

It's a massive time suck. I'm trying to do more of just, like, if I'm grabbing something, just, like, grab it and take it home. Try and condense the time. Yeah. But yeah, especially if you're waiting in line it all blows out i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do anyway i'll figure it out well even even burton um thanks evan thanks evan pass the word on to your brother get us in for um i don't know, who would we play in a Tim Burton movie? We would be... Can I be a little...

Can I be a gothic boy that never grew up and now I'm just a gothic 46-year-old guy that's... Maybe Edward Comedy Hands. I was going to say, I want to be Podwood Scissorhands. Because I'm editing, I'm cutting up. These are Podwood Scissorhands. Because I'm editing. I'm cutting up. I'm using my little scissorhands to get the reel to reel out. That's good.

And I'm taking out Fiona saying the N-word and splicing it together. I don't think she said the N-word. No, I know. That's unfair. Maybe some other words. Yeah, I don't even think. Anyway. Maybe some names in there, she said. Some names, yeah. Definitely some names that shouldn't be on the public record. Yeah, I don't even think... Anyway, whatever. Maybe some names in there, she said.

Some names, yeah. Definitely some names that shouldn't be on the public record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what can I be? Your pod would scissor hands and I'm... Well, what are the other famous... Yeah, other famous... Tim Burton, Beetlejuice.

Oh, yeah. Beetlejuice. Comedy Juice. Yeah, that's me. Comedy Juice. If anyone says comedy, comedy, comedy three times,lejuice. Comedyjuice. Yeah. That's me. Comedyjuice. If anyone says comedy, comedy, comedy three times, they'll pop up. You appear.

Yeah. And yeah, I mean, kind of what Beetlejuice wears, it's not a million miles away from pyjamas. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. All right. Well, we've given some aspiring Photoshoppers on the social something to do this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Podwood Scissorhands is Tommy. Podwood Scissorhands is Tommy. Podwood Scissorhands and Comedy Juice. Fucking hell. Yeah, mate. Oh, pretty brutal day at the office. Yeah, just working really hard today. Yeah, I look forward to having those on the socials by, I don't know, 12.30pm tomorrow. I don't reckon it'll take long.

Yeah, I know, I know. By COB. Someone needs to, I think it's irresponsible to expect someone to do it at work. They'll get home from work and do it. Okay. By sundown, I think we'll have them in the inbox for sure. Hopefully. Hopefully, yeah.

See, for a second I thought we hadn't really done Evan Burton justice. We'd just been talking about what we're going to have for lunch, and then we ripped that out. It's truly, it is always darkest before the dawn, isn't it? We were talking about lunch, and I was like, boy, we are out of steam here. And then all of a sudden, just the one, it's like we were looking around, and lo and behold, one secret hidden little bit of coal

to chuck into the engine. That's it. Choo-choo indeed. All right, let's just do one more. Obviously, we need to go and get some lunch. Let's do one more. Okay, final one this week. Thank you very much, Patreon subscriber.

Oh, wow. Okay. That's interesting. Speaking of, yeah, we've got a subscriber that's actually a saying. That's weird. All right. Do we now? Yes.

Thank you. I needed someone to say something back before I... Please, regale me. Thank you very much. Comedy's the word. Comedy's the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A saying has sponsored this.

Yeah, yes. Comedy's the word. Should we look that up? Yeah, what's the etymology of that? Apparently, back when comedy would die. Sure. Yeah. Back when that happened.

Like five seconds ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. All right. That'll do. That'll do. Good night, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Get some tickets. Get on the Patreon. Thanks for listening. And vote for your favorite episode of'll do. Good night, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get some tickets. Get on the Patreon. Thanks for listening. Vote for your favorite episode of the year. Keep an eye out. Have a look. And don't just say, oh, when we had Hughes. Oh, when we had fucking Pablo Francisco.

Yeah. Episodes of 2022. I might put those two on the poll. No, don't put them on there. Just Hughes. Yeah. All right. Bye.