The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 638 - The Best of 2022

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

It’s our yearly Best Of countdown episode! We put the call out and YOU voted for your favourite episodes of 2022. We’re counting down the episodes and giving you some fresh content and behind the scenes goss in between the clips. There’s hot riffs, idiotic stories, and YET AGAIN, a VERY surprising entrant at number one! ;)  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Here we are Carl at the end of another wonderful, wonderful year. Wow. Let's do a clip show, Tommy. The best of 2022.

Wait, are we putting this out first week of 23, right? I don't know. Well, whenever it's out. It might be the new year already. You might be in the tail end of 2022. But, hey, whenever you're listening to this, one thing is for sure. Yes. A huge year for the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Oh, the obvious thing would have been to say, we've done it again. Well, I was going to save that for the very end of the episode. You know, we go back, we do all the clips. Well, on this episode, we literally are doing it again because we're listening to episodes that have already aired. Little Dumb Dumb Club, bracket, RPT dot, end bracket. Remember that when they used to put that on? Oh, yeah.

That is pretty funny that it was like they had to disclose. Yeah. Don't worry. Was that a thing that wasn't always in the TV guide? And one day someone was like calling up and complaining going, this is fucking bullshit. I turned on the TV last night and it was one I'd already seen. You're wasting my time, you dogs. Not only that, do they even do it anymore?

Have they got rid of the repeat warning? I don't know. I don't reckon they do it anymore. I mean, is the TV Guide still in the newspaper? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I mean... Can we put on the listing,

can we put bracket RPT dot end bracket on this one, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this we haven't done again. This is fresh. But this is the clip show. It's like the first time the first Simpsons clip show episode aired, that was, you know, they got away with it. They didn't have to put repeat there because it was like technically this is the first time that this package of clips is airing. It's like one of those like-made products where it's like,

no, it's Australian-made, and there's a little thing on the back that says, yeah, 22% of this was sourced from Australia. So that's what this is. The box was made in Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the rest of it's come from China. The Australian-made sticker was made in Australia. Yeah, yeah.

Most of it. So this is, look, hey, this bit right now, what we're doing right now, this is fresh content. Yes. It might not be great, but you've never heard it before. This wasn't on the best of 2019. This is just made for this year.

But 2022, Tommy, it's been quite a year. I mean, another year of, sadly, I mean, I guess, another year of lockdowns. You know, we've been in lockdown all year again. What? You're looking at me weird. Yeah, I am looking at you weird. You're saying something silly. Another year of lockdowns where we haven't been able to leave the house or anything.

I've just been using my hour of exercise to come and do the podcast every week. This is exercise, isn't it? Yeah. This is very taxing. I've been inside the whole time. This is it. This is exercise, isn't it? This is very taxing. I've been inside the whole time. This is it. This is my treadmill. No, Carl, we've... What? Okay, I'll bite. What?

Carl, we've actually been out of lockdown for a whole year. Oh, no! I've wasted my life again. I was going to say this is almost the first year we had without a single Zoom episode, but that's not true. Because someone had to go to Phuket, didn't they? Oh, that's right.

Were it not for that, we would have had our first clean year in about three years of no Zooms. That's right. Fingers crossed for 23. Yes. I certainly made up for all those years of not being able to travel. I did Phuket. I did Samui. I did Bangkok.

Yep. Three Thailands. That may be a new personal record. Yeah, yeah. I think it is. Big year. Yeah, yeah. Big year for travel.

Yeah. We finally managed to pull off the live 500th episode. Yes. After two years of attempting to do it, the 500th, and it ended up being the 500th and 600th episode on the one day, and neither one of them cracked the top 10, so absolutely worth all the effort and stress.

Well, did a thousand people turn up to the other ones? No. No, they did not. So yeah, of course, we are counting down today the best episodes of 2022. Well, not the best. The most popular. The most popular. As voted for by you.

Those cretins on social media. Exactly. Well, seeing the numbers of how many people voted versus how many people listening to the show. Yes. Statistically, probably not voted by you, the person listening right now. Right. Probably pretty likely that you just missed the notification that that was going on.

But hey, some keen beans got in there. Some bots. Yeah, some bots got in there and voted for their favorite episodes of the year. The same people that voted for Elon Musk to step down as CEO of Twitter voted for this episode. Is he going to do that? I can't keep up with that. And I don't care to. I think like ragging Elon has just become like,

why would you bother? Who cares? What else? What else? 2022. We finally went to Perth. That's right. Another long delayed...

Yes. This was the year of like like, just cleaning house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just getting some things off the agenda, finally. Yeah, we went to... Oh, we finally, after 12 years or whatever, we finally got to go to Heathcote. That's true. And do a live show.

No, that was... Wasn't that... That was end of 21. Was it? Yeah. Oh, damn. Okay. Well, what a year.

I'm trying to count other things for this year. Was it really? I thought that was this year. I tell you what, I feel like everyone's going through this at the moment. Your perception of time is just so warped after the last couple of years where like I did a bonus episode of Filthy Casuals the other day where we're talking about movies that we liked in this year. And I'd looked up like a best of list and I was looking at something and I was like,

I swear to God this came out six years ago i can't believe this was like a couple of months ago that i went and saw this that is fucked what what is that like they've got the mandela effect what is what is that effect what what effect are we having postcode or you know whatever mid still tail end of mid pandemic yes umemic. Yes. I, of course, caught COVID for the first time this year. Oh, yeah. Probably from Husey. Yeah. So, I mean, like at the end of the day, you know, in like a decade when we're reflecting on, you know, this great, oh, I remember the pandemic and, oh, yeah, the toilet paper thing, pretty funny.

And, you know, people are sitting around being like, did you ever end up getting it? Yeah, I got it. Just, I don't know, at the supermarket or something i guess i don't know i'm glad that i've got a bullet point to mine that's going to stick in my head for all eternity yeah i got it from hughes i looked it up you are dead right um it was the end of last year heathcote i like that you i like that you thought i'm'm going to fucking wreck him here. I don't believe this for a second. No, I want it right in my own head.

But what I like is... Because we did it. The whole thing was like, let's do it pretty fresh out of lockdown. Right. Yeah, but I don't know when we were out of lockdown and stuff. I don't remember all that sort of stuff. I do like the idea that someone caught a variant that came from Husey, left some Husey element in it. You got it, left some Daslow element in it. And someone got it from you and got a bit of a Huse slash Daslow strain of COVID.

Yeah, I'll tell you who that person is. Oh, okay. My girlfriend. Oh, okay. I would have told it. I've told this on the show, I'm sure. But like, I got it. Hey, this is a best of.

That's true. Just I'm recreating a clip yeah i uh i got like you're like um taylor swift you're re-recording oh yeah so that someone else doesn't know his version yeah you own all the masters to these episodes and i want control yes yes you want this one story the sweet residuals um so i got it. I tested positive, isolated. And then, yeah, like a day later or something, my girlfriend tested positive. I got really sick. She got even sicker than me.

And there was one point where – Not that it's competition. No, no, no. But, you know, she did win. She was in bed really sick and I brought her some juice or something and she was just like so sick. And she's looked up at me and she went, Babe, how could Husey do this to us? I don't think I've heard that one.

That's funny. And then, yeah, and then like a week after that, me and her were... Actually, that night that he came and did the episode with us on the final night of the comedy festival. Oh, yeah, yeah. Me and her were walking around and we bumped into him. And I think she felt more starstruck to be meeting the person

who'd given us COVID than she did to meet a famous person from the TV. Dave Hughes, brackets, usually we have a problem, comma, the gala, comma, COVID. It was great doing that live episode, sitting next to him on stage at the Athenaeum. And then the very next day he posts on Twitter, oh yeah, I've just tested positive and been like, yeah, might keep an eye on the old throat and nose situation for the next 24 hours. Yeah. He rang me when he got it the next day.

Oh yeah, because he was doing shows in your venue. My venue, yeah. I like that we're now just doing a best of Husey's year. Yeah, yeah, because he was doing shows in your venue. My venue, yeah. I like that we're now just doing a best of Husey's year. Yeah, yeah. We've spiralled off from the podcast into just someone else's life and how they lived it in 2022. Yes. Well, he's got more highlights than we do. That's very true.

So, yeah, we're going to count down five to one. Top five. Let's just do five. Let's do five. Yeah. Now, different to other years you don't know what these clips are going to be right

I think most other years you've listened to the clips or I've yep sent them to you and you haven't listened to them but you've looked at the you've looked at the order

I've listened to them I think this is so yeah you're going in you're going in blind absolutely blind I'm holding all the cards yeah damn

you're going to win this one. Yep. So, should we get into it? Sure. Should we get into our... Number five, the fifth most popular as voted by people that had nothing else to do on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Yep.

Number five for 2022, episode 603. I knew it. Yep. No. it. Yep. Live. Yes. With Will Anderson, Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. Yes. Do we just lead into it from here?

Yeah. So here it is, your number five. Hi. I have bought some flights for my family and I, and we're all going to go. A lot of people have said, I want to go as well in June and whatever. And I'm like, you know what?

My wife doesn't have the job at the airline anymore. I can't get the cheap flights anymore. I've got to make this work for me. I've got to make this tax deductible. So that's why today I'm announcing the official Koh Samui Dum Dum Con 22 to be held in Koh Samui on June the 18th. Now, it won't be a live podcast.

Tommy's not coming. It is a fan convention only. Yeah. A few meet and greets. Yeah, there is a big guest this year, a big guest speaker, the co-host of the Little Dum Dum Club. He will be speaking.

Can I make an announcement? Yeah. I will be there. Dave, I'll come with you. Hang on, as fans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great. I'll sign you up.

So you're having a Carl-Con? Dumb-dumb-Con. I'm just a speaker. I'm a humble speaker. You're leaning very hard on Con, I think. Funny Buggers Live, come check it out. It's not a compilation, it's a con-polation. Welcome to Con Con.

That's a great idea. I was thinking I'll do a Q&A, I'll get Nick Capper on Zoom to talk about where he gets his ideas from, and then we can have a live reading from Funny Buggers. That's a great idea. Who's we? The convention. Oh, the convention holders, right. So you speaking, that's obviously like the marquee event.

That's like the headline act on the Sunday or whatever. So then we've got Funny Buggers live reading. What else are we peppering this thing out with? TBC. How about this? Can I pitch you something? Sure.

Because I feel like it's more like less like a convention where people are coming just the idea that they can meet you, but more like, you know how people can go to band camp or space camp? Right. So, like, if a Dum Dum listeners ever want to feel like they could be in the little Dum Dum camp, you, like, have this camp where you're running through some stuff. You eventually have a camp at the end of it where everyone gets to come up

And be like, you've got like a Blakey wig or whatever Oh yeah Someone can be Kappa We make this hell for him Every person who's there gets to do a one hour talking dum-dum With Carl So his days are just back to back Big sweaty craft beer fans

Being like, what's Kappa really like? Yeah, you teach him how to steal other comics jokes. No, no. We're on to a new thing now. This is a different thing. But I like the idea they all have to dress like the guests. That's my only proviso is you have a whole bunch of costumes and if people choose which guest they want to be,

like if they want to be Cheney, they have to do the eyes. Yeah, if you want to be Ronnie, you can just stay at home. Or Dave. No, I want to tell you, 110%, I will fucking be there. Did you write down the date when I said it? He's got it. Yeah, he's got it.

It's June 20th. June 18th. I'm going to get there a couple days yeah. Yeah, he's got it. It's June 20th. Yeah. June 18th. I'm going to get there a couple days late. Yeah. The time difference, it's hard to get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right, yeah. Oh, that's American time.

Yeah, I'm coming in American time. Okay, all right. This is exciting. This is great to hear. I can't wait to be on the beach with you again. Yeah. Us fucking playing volleyball like we did. You didn't come the last time, so I'll have to look that. But I'm volleyball like we did. You didn't come

the last time so I'll have to look that but I'm focusing on the future. June 18th. Yeah, yeah. And I wouldn't honestly I want to

make up for what I did and I feel really bad and I feel like Carl Conn is the way to do it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

It's Dumb Dumb Conn but yeah. Not Carl Conn. Well Tommy's not going to be there. Could it be Carl Conn? Yeah. Are you thinking too small with Dumb Dumb Conn and it's Dum Dum Con, but yeah, not Carl Con. Well, Tommy's not going to be there. Could it be Carl Con? Yeah. Are you thinking too small with Dum Dum Con,

and it's actually all the aspects of your life? No, no. The pyjamas, the pyjamas. Right. People get... Yes. People get to come and tuck you in the bed at night in the pyjamas. There's me in the...

One day you come out in the pyjamas. Yes. One day it's you going to get some chocolate mousse. Yes. You know, it's every aspect. Being on the door, booking comics. Yeah. A dog pisses on your balcony.

Yeah. Not mentioning your wife's name. Yeah, yeah. Hiding your wife and wearing your pajamas. Again, just really mostly pajama stuff. Yeah, I got that from you. Yeah, a lot of PJ stuff. I'm not wearing big heavy pajamas in fucking Thailand.

I'm not gonna do it. When you get there, you'll see how you feel. Yeah. And I think that's fair. If people are gonna come, expect pajamas. You gotta wear the pajamas. You're not in Koh Samui, you're at Carl Conn. Yeah, it's different. Hey, buddy, you wanna write this off or not, Carl Conn's not gonna write itself off, asshole.

Put on the fucking pajamas. That's Christ. Everyone goes over with off, asshole. Put on the fucking pyjamas. Everyone goes over with you. They're all wearing the pyjamas as well. And on the final day of Carl Khan, you all drink the famous Carl Chandler Kool-Aid. I mean, wouldn't you love it if one day, like at night they're in their pyjamas, at day they're in their Liverpool shirts.

Like they've got the whole look. They never wear shorts. I just feel like it needs to be Dum Dum Con, not Carl Con, because I know what you're trying to do. But also, I'm looking at the crowd here, big crowd here for Dum Dum. I look out at a Carl Chandler stand-up gig and I do not see this crowd. So I feel like there's more potential to get people to Koh Samui if I appeal to Dum Dum rather than get

too specific. Than just personally on your own Facebook page going like, hey guys, anyone want to come on a holiday with me? Carl Khan. Well, how many people do you need to have come for it to be a radar? Like one. So it's Carl Khan. How many at best do you think would come?

Man, I honestly think we've nearly got double figures. I've been doing my... I've been doing my... I've been doing my... He's got six people. What I love also is we've nearly got double figures. There wasn't really any, yeah, we're definitely into double figures.

Secondly, you think by taking it from Dum Dum to Carl Conn, those numbers will drop dramatically? Yeah. It's over five, but it's less than nine. It's seven, I reckon. There's a few not confirmed, but I've got to, you know. Imagine how sad their lives are.

No. No. It's not like all day they're just listening to me reading from funny buggers in pyjamas. Oh, that's not how to pitch it. Come on. You're never going to get into double figures with talk like that. There's a lot of free time on the agenda.

Yeah, but you'll be reading from that book of nursery rhymes or whatever in your pyjamas. No. Yeah, a lot of it will be that. It's not nursery rhymes. That's at least two in a day. It's not nursery rhymes. It's stolen jokes, okay? I thought you also did nursery rhymes.

I want recreations of jokes you've written for other people. I want you to have a little compilation of a Spix and Spencer. Yeah, do like a Richard Pryor. No, no, no. Because me doing the jokes I've written for Nazeem, Hussain and Joel Creasy do not reflect well on me.

But why don't you just do your favorite hours of other comedians' stand-up? Yeah. You go to a bunch of Will shows. An hour compile of little bits of other people. It could be all of Will's shows. We said you won a lot of awards. Maybe you could just piece together the Will show.

You could do it in your pyjamas. Everyone's there. Nobody can see your wife. I think you're fantastic. You know what? You just go out and you go, this is an audio book. And then you do their acts. Yeah, right, right, yeah.

I think we're getting away from the whole Koh Samui aspect and getting back onto the stealing bit, which I think we need to swing it back to Koh Samui. You brought it up. He's stealing money from the ATO by putting on Carl Conn as a write-off. And stealing money from the people who visit Carl Conn. Let's be completely honest. I feel like I'd like to say this for the last time. It's D who visit Carl Conn. Let's be completely honest. I feel like I'd like to say this for the last time.

It's Dumb Dumb Conn. Well, I don't know. It doesn't even sound as good. Should we take a vote? Carl Conn is catchy. Oh, no. Carl Conn. Carl Conn.

Okay. Carl Conn. Carl Conn. Now you all have to come. That's the agreement. If you say it, you have to come. And then everyone's room can have the thing of pyjamas for them to That's the agreement. If you say it, you have to come. And then everyone's room can have the thing of pajamas for them to wear

for the weekend. You get one pair and you put it on over your clothes. Please can I finish with my idea before you get so angry at me? I'm a guest on your fucking show. Everyone puts the pajamas over their clothes and then they take public transit in the pajamas

from time to time. I would like for you to say 20 words without mentioning the P word. I don't agree to that. I mean, I don't know.

I'm having a really good time. Does that help? Yeah. That doesn't sound fun. Yeah. What are we going to talk about? Dum-dum con.

We've already said that's not happening. No, no, no, no. Literally nobody wants to talk about the dum-dum. May I ask a pertinent question at this point that I don't think... I don't know if this has occurred to anyone else on the panel, but the investigative journalist part of my brain is firing up.

Go ahead, Columbo. Has Don't Say Her Name been made aware of these plans for Carl Conn on what I assume she's being led to believe is a romantic getaway. She is broadly across some of this. Broadly across the Koh Samui part of it. She knows we're going. And she also knows Carl.

So she won't be surprised when this is announced at some point. I will say this. What she does know about it is this at this point. We are going. We've got. Yep. We've got the tickets. Sure.

And when I went to book the return flight, I said, when are we going to return? And she said, whatever the date was, but then said, I expect you'll probably stay another couple of days. And I was like, oh, my God. I'll take that. I didn't expect that. I'll take that. And then I went to book and she said, you said, I'm sure you'll stay another two days. And I looked at it.

And I looked at the fares for two days' time and went, they're quite expensive. What if I pushed it forward another couple of days? And I got... There was a good deal on in a week's time. What if you just live there? Wow. So that's the bit of it she doesn't know about yet. But if Carl Conn is like like a five day event, right?

Like with different Carl related activities. Why are you making CarlCon happen while she's there? It's Dumb Dumb Con, but anyway. When do you make it when she goes back? This is what I'm saying about CarlCon. Let him finish. Let him finish with his idea for CarlCon. I know at the Dumb Dumb live shows

over there you would always go for a run with everyone, right? But at CarlCon, you go for a run but everyone eats a loaf of high fibre breakfast. Yeah, yeah. And then you all run and see how long it takes each person to shit themselves. Have the full Carl experience. Backup pair of PJs for sure.

No, no. Yeah, because they might shit them. You're doing so well. I'm sorry, Carl. You have to think this through, buddy. As your friend And fellow organiser of CarlCon You're not going to want to be washing them

You need these kinds of things People generally get like a little show bag Of like goodies at the end Like Peter Alexander pyjamas With little pictures of your head on them Okay People would be into that Oh you can put a book of stolen jokes in there

No no no That's pretty good. I didn't think I was going to say this, but can we get back to the pyjamas? Well, well, well, yes we can. You can just go into people's rooms and steal stuff out of their suitcases. Oh, that's great.

That's the full experience. And then you put it all in one suitcase that's yours. That's not the point of any of this, and it's also not a good advertisement for Dum Dum Con. What else is in that suitcase of his, Gareth? In Carl Con, it's going to be mainly pajamas. That's my boy.

Banners promoting the PJs. Yeah, right. Okay, alright. So this is a thing. It is a thing. June 18, Dum Dum Con 22. Carl Con is happening. Carl Con is happening. Dum Dum Con 22.

Carl Con. Carl Con is happening. Dum Dum Con 22. It's exciting. I might come over for one day just to change all the signs from Dum Dum Con to Carl Con. Yeah. And then it's straight back. No, you should.

I'm there for an hour. You should sue him. That's great. Say that while you're not there, you don't let him use the right term. No, you haven't seen the logo yet. It's D-U-M-B, D-U-M-B, K-O-N, just in case. You know what's amazing? Around this time frame, I genuinely might be in Bali.

Can I suggest throwing a Tommy Con? So I could run over there, the new original Dumb Dumb Con. Competing Dumb Dumb events to see who gets more people. Yes. We have Carl Con versus Tommy Con. Oh, fuck. Yes. Because I was trying to book Brett Blake as a guest,

and now I'm no fucking chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so. That would be great in a fucking, like, you know, a Marvel style, like, you know, the two groups of superheroes have to fight each other, and you two split up. You go to Bali, like, you know, the two groups of superheroes have to fight each other and you two split up. You go to Bali, you go to Thailand and then all your favourite guests choose their sides

and have a podcast off. Oh, fuck, I'm into this. Yeah. And there's no real... If there is a cash prize to my award, I'm funding this. Oh, yes. Yes. Will Anderson presents Dumb Dumb Con 22. Yeah, great. At. Will Anderson presents Dum Dum Con 22.

Yeah, great. At the very least, can we get you to chip in the price of a 7-Eleven coffee to try and get this GoFundMe off the ground? We've got a spare $2. Yeah.

Dave, if I can lure you away from Carl Con over to Dum Dum Con. I'd love to. No, you're a Samui. That's great. I'm already poaching guests. You are a Samui tragic. You're locked in.

If I know you well, you would never pull out of something as important as that. Yeah, so I'm what's known as Ballybound. I'm heading to Bally. Where? To Bally. You heard him. Oh, right.

Okay, I'll see you guys there in Bally. Is it Bally? He's going to Bally. Bally? Yeah. It's fucking Bally, you dumb cunt. So weird you didn't pronounce the R that's not in it. Fucking say it right.

Is it barley? It's barley. Alternate pitch for it, maybe a couple years. Carl cunt. No. We're putting the cart before the horse a little bit. Okay, I'm just saying. Thank you for seeing so much in the idea that it's going to go on.

Carl cunt? No, I'm sorry. I'm glad you're finally coming around. Thank you for seeing so much in the idea that it's going to go on. Carlton? I'm glad you're finally coming around. Can I ask you now that you've announced it how you feel like the announcement is gone? I can see a lot of people well not their reaction because they've all got masks on thanks to fucking you. If I could see faces they would be making the facial expression of

I'm going. If you could see their faces they would be making the facial expression of, I'm going. If you could see their faces, they'd also be making the expression of, I'm giving you COVID. How many people will go but only if it's called CarlCon and not DumbDumbCon? Hold up your mask if you go if it's CarlCon. Hold up your mask if you go if it's DumbDumb Hold up your mask if you'll go if it's Dum Dum Conn. Yeah, everyone. Everyone at home.

And then hold up your mask who'd go to Tommy Conn in Bali. Keep your mask up if you want me to keep juggling up here, by the way. It's going great. My arms are getting tired, but if the people demand it, I'll keep going. So, not that I think less of your fans.

Right. But why would you want to be on vacation and be bothered by dumb, dumb people who fucking harass you on your phone and aren't nice to you online and anywhere?

I think the question's pretty clear. Do you want to keep going? They don't seem to like you. There's another TBC, I think. I'll confirm that later, why I did think that was a good idea. But I think tax deductible is the main thing. It's always tax. You can just say you went over there

and did a show and lie and... Although no one's going to believe you did a show. No. Unless... Don't say it.

You break pyjamas. Don't say it! That's weird. I mean, I've got to be honest with you. I reckon that would be a hook that got people in over there. Like,

if you walk down the beach during the day in your pyjamas. Yeah. Turn to the pyjamas. I'm going to get arrested in you. I reckon that would be a hook that got people in over there. Like if you walk down the beach during the day in your pyjamas. Turn to the pyjamas. I'm going to get arrested in Thailand if I walk down the street in pyjamas. Oh, yeah, right. Come on. You're the chief of police over there. Yeah, you.

No. You can't get arrested there. If you were going to get arrested in Thailand, you would have by now. Carl Convect. That's a pun on a thing that doesn't exist. So, dum-dum-com. Not Convict. That's a pun on a thing that doesn't exist. Dumb Dumb Con. Not sure I understand.

So, because my wife doesn't have the job at the airline anymore, I got, no. Just focus on me, not my wife, please. I don't believe that she's real.

Well, come to day four of Dumb Dumb Con. She's a guest speaker. He's busy. Oh, now that'll get people into Carl Con. A speech by Don't Say Her Name. She gets up. She's got a name tag on. You get to learn her name by going over there.

I think we've got it covered up here, actually. I like opening it up. Yeah. Yeah, let's open it up. It's like a good energy. We're in control. Some of us have won awards, okay?

We don't need... We don't need hands. Just if you don't like what's going on, sit through it. We'll go and see the man dressed as a woman later upstairs, okay? It's going to end well. The man versus the woman,

is that what you think a wedding is? A man dressed as a woman. Oh, right, I thought you said versus. Man versus woman. Sounds like a hell of a buck story. Yeah, that's why you're seating them. Are you rooting for the man or the woman? Over here for the woman. That's day five of Dum Dum Con. Oh, okay. Me versus that team name.

Why are you calling it that old weird name? Stop trying to make Dum Dum Con happen. Stop using its make Dumb Dumb Cold happen. Stop using its dead name. That's so clever. That's gross, man. We'll cancel you. Good lord. This is like when a band

breaks up and they go on the road for a while and then all the original members go away and then they still are calling themselves Blue Oyster Cult. There's no one in Blue Oyster Cult that's from the original Blue Oyster Cult. That's what's happening right now. You're calling yourself Little Dumb Dumb Club. It's a weird...

This is the fan convention. I'm not saying we're all going. The fans, the nearly double figure fans have demanded it. The draw. The draw. The likable one of Little Dumb Dumb Club is not going. Yeah, Dave, it's Blue Oyster Cunt. But he also...

Thank God. That would have haunted me for the rest of my life if I hadn't gone that way out. I'd never be able to sleep again. Anthony compliment to that. What a great 20 seconds there, Tommy. Finally, something usable. That's awesome.

Because this is a legitimate point. You've invented something there's a niche audience for at the best of times, which is a Little Dum Dum con, which is fine. I'm happy with that idea. But then you're taking it to a place where there's no Little Dum Dum Club fans. You have to take some over. There are two that live on Koh Samui. Okay. Were you counting

double figures? No. Are you confident that one of them won't go to Bali for Tommy's? God, I could use a break. For another holiday. We've talked about this. There is a guy that lives there, that listens to this show, that lives in Koh Samui and has been to no

Koh Samui podcast festivals. Right. Well, Carl Khan's going to shake it up. You're going to see him there. He hates me.

He just wants to see the dead weight. He wants to see the other guy. That's also because I didn't go. I would make it out of what swimming

trunks are made out of, the pajamas. I just think then people can just kind of jump in the pool if they want or go in the ocean with you and then lounge about and they'll dry quickly. I mean, I just think then people can just kind of jump in the pool if they want or go in the ocean with you and then lounge about

and they'll dry quickly. I mean, if you can afford it, which you can. Is there anything in just picking up a local Tommy for the day? Oh,

yes there is, Will. Yes there is. You've got Thai Tommy. You've got a Thai me. Yeah. Finally I can get Tommy to do something to me he's always refused to do. Respect you.

I don't go to Carl Conn but I'm over there the week before auditioning Ty Tommy's to stand and I'm there for like way longer than I would have been for Carl Conn. It's a rigorous process. But finally I find that little 12 year old girl who's ready to step in in place of me and then I just sit at home.

We just get her to deepen her voice a little bit. Boom. We go. Okay. Very nice. That's happening. On top of that, my wife doesn't work for the airline anymore. We're locked in. Does your wife work for the airline anymore? No, she was fired.

She wasn't fired. It's dumb dumb con. Taking the piss with the free family she was fired. No, she wasn't fired. It's Dum Dum Con. Taking the piss with the free family flights, I think, was the reason for her sacking. Apparently she was great, but they lost a lot of money in flights to Thailand. We're going under. It's been a hard two years as it is. Back to Dum Dum Con. Back to Cal Con.

Do you see people dressing up like you? Yes, I do. Absolutely, I do. No. But you've got to have a cosplay competition. You were saying your wife works for an airline. Presently works for an airline.

She used to. Before she voluntarily went to another business. So she's at the other business now. What's the business voluntarily went to another business. So she's at the other business now. What's the business? It's another one. It's a different thing. It's not involved in international travel anymore.

No, no, no. It's completely different. What area is it in? What's the address of her work, Dave? Give that and then we'll move on. It's more something that you would wear. Like pajamas. Yes.

No. Fuck. Wow. You're going to save so much. If she's gone into the pajama game, this is... Carl, you are a true businessman. One of the guys who's most scared about COVID up here just spat everywhere at that moment. Imagine getting your wife to quit her airline job so

you can get a discount on pyjamas. Not even free ones, just a discount. It's going to come in handy,

Carl. I want the staff discounts to relaunch my career. But I wear them everywhere. I wear them out so quickly.

I wear them to bed at comedy gigs. Smart. I'm just thrashing these PJs. You should go back into it and

just you heifer it up for the rest of your life. Just nothing but pyjamas. She's wearing for Don't Say Her Name Alexander. No, it's not that. Our new sponsored Peter Alexander comedy. It's not that. It's a different item of clothing. Okay.

Sleeping caps. No. Alright, keep going. I'm sorry. So, she has another job now Now she we're going on this holiday And we're I mean sorry work Yeah careful

You're going to Carl Conn How old's your Daughter Daughter who I don't want to ask But how old? English one, not the Thai one. Your daughter, the one who doesn't know the shame that she's going to feel yet.

How old is that one? She's three years old. So she can't feel daddy shame. No. She's going to see the rest of the world. Oh, fuck yeah. Some day she's going to be like, my daddy's pulled the weirdest shit. My daddy has something called the pajama room no

no it'll be great for her to explain to her young friends that her dad loves to go to Thailand four times a year so we're all going over to work it's a family trip and a work trip oh blankets being put to work she's's a family trip and a work trip. Oh, blankets being put to work.

She's putting on the wristbands on day one. Yeah, selfies with her 500 baht. I tried to talk her down, but that's what she wants. How about people could buy a blanket blanket? Oh, that's nice. That's nice. We can get all the kids over there slightly older than her to make them. Yeah.

I mean, just for fun, make it the same age. Right? That's the fun. So we're going over. She's there for the week. I'm there for, unbeknownst to her, two weeks. You have the stay with the family and then the sex worker extension. No, it's not a thing.

There's work, but not sex. That's why the pajamas are so great. It's just elastic. It's like Coachella. Carl Conn got so big that they had to split it over two weekends. Yeah. Who knew? Carl Chella.

That's good, too. I mean, yeah, Carl Conn maybe was a little short-sighted of us. I think Carl Chella has a nicer ring to it. And it's so close to Carl Chandler. It's like, yes, Carl Chandler. Oh, yeah, okay, all right. All right, now, and by the way, on behalf of all, thank you for pushing us to this point.

You fought us and we got a better one, and that's what matters. Thank you, Carl. Your instincts were actually right. Carl Conn wasn't right. It wasn't good enough. Thank you. Thank you. Carl Conn wasn't right. It wasn't good enough. Thank you.

Carl Chella. Goddamn. So now you have to mock up one of those Coachella-style artist passes. Oh, yeah. Things that are happening over the three days. It's just my name over and over. Yeah, but like different events. Like pay someone in cash shits his pants. Hang on, I'm going to pay someone in cash?

That's an event? It always is when you do it to me. Thank you, Carl. And they've done it again. Oh, they've done it again. Dumb Dumb Con 22, the unveiling. Yeah. The thing that actually did happen.

Yeah. That I then went on. Well, I guess I talked about that on another episode. They didn't make the top five, maybe. Who knows? But that was fun. That was, like I said, like I promised, double figures. Yeah.

Always great to see those guys. Yep. Dave and Gareth. Yeah. Always great to see those guys. Yep. Dave and Gareth. Yeah. I'm glad it made the count. Well, you know, like we were saying, or I was saying before, five and 600 didn't bother the top 10. A lot of work, a lot of effort to not make the countdown.

Yep. This episode, I would say, similar amount of hassle and stress in terms of wondering whether or not our guests were actually going to show up to do the episode. That's right. So it is nice to see that pay off. Very, very conscious of COVID at that point and still now probably. But yeah, no, those guys were here and then that was literally like Dave turned up mid-show and then walked straight out. So we literally didn't talk to those guys.

So they were touring. Outside of the episode. Yeah, they really, really, really did not want to get COVID and have the tour affected because they'd come all this way. They wouldn't be able to make up the dates. They were very touch and go about whether they were going to confirm to do it. Masks had only recently been, you know, you didn't have to wear them indoors anymore if you didn't want to.

They asked us to get the audience to wear masks as a condition of them doing it. So we had this idea of making masks of Dave and Gareth and giving them to the entire audience. So we put a lot of time and work into that for basically zero reward when we unveiled it. They did not seem to be fazed by that at all. And not only that, the crowd had shit timing. It was supposed to be like, all right, everyone put your masks on now.

Instead, they just put them on at the start of the episode. And they just, everyone, Dave and, yeah, Gareth just walk out and go, what's that? I don't know what it is. I mean, it's a miracle that this made the countdown when you think about how ill-advised a lot of the planning in the episode was. But yeah, look, good to see those guys. Good to see them.

I mean, I just, it's just so funny to me, like them coming out here and like, I had multiple, I saw Gareth like a couple of times around the festival and him having multiple conversations where he's like people are just acting like this thing's over and i'm like yeah you've flown to another country that's like number one in acting like it's over like you can't like you can't be on an international flight and being like everyone else on this plane just doesn't get it there's there's like a hundred people in this small room yeah they're here to see you.

You're on stage. You're talking to them. You're doing the thing that has not been happening for two years and that most people still don't feel comfortable enough to do. Yeah. But good for them. Tour went off without a hitch, I believe. Yeah, a fun time. Good for them

to come and do our show when if I was them, I probably wouldn't have. No, absolutely. I think they were extremely tempted to not do it. All right. Should we move on to... I'm going to put it this... I'm going to say this. I reckon they would have pulled out if Dave didn't already have the infamous pulling out

of Samui hanging over his head. Oh, okay. I'm going to fucking hear the end of this. If I do it twice. I... Yeah. hanging over his head. Oh, okay. He's like, I'm going to fucking hear the end of this if I do it twice. I, yeah, I mean, if I was in his position, that would just make me go, well, I've already got a tarnished record, so what difference does it make? Who cares? I'm already getting roasted about this nonstop. Yeah.

I may as well just add something to the pile. I'm already getting roasted about one thing I don't care about. Yeah. Why not two? From two cunts on the other side of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not two? From two cunts on the other side of the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get into your number four. Number four, wow. Let's see. 2022. Let's see if I... I put a lot of money on what was going to come in at number four, so let's see if it pays off. Episode 633.

Fuck! I had 632. I was so close. Oh, damn. So close. Will Anderson and Mike Goldstein. Oh, great. Will's done it again.

Back-to-back entrance in the countdown. In the arse end of the top five. Yeah. Not the Paris end of the top five. What's the opposite of Paris? Yeah. That's a great question. The Port Morsby end of

of the top five yeah uh well it's not just star power you know will's a big name but these are two there's two reasons to vote for them they're good they're good episodes and they've got good stories and yeah well let's hey let's hear the clip right now 6 33 Go to the gig. So then I've been worrying about this the whole time. Now, by this stage, even Blakey's worried about it because we're going, right, we're in a group of nine people, a bunch of these people we've never met before. We're inside the first 24 hours of this trip.

If you bomb this, then we all become mr google for the rest of the trip you know what i mean like everyone's like you guys are the fucking cunts that bombed at the stand-up gig you guys are fucking idiots but also a great bonding opportunity for everybody yes yeah for everyone else you guys just basically have to go home at that point everyone else is going to have a great time because of that yeah you can't stay on the holiday yeah so then uh uh blakey malone and i we all went uh by ourselves we just walked to the gig and this is when you know like you're worried about stuff because instead of me and blakey and milan walking around bangkok having the time of our lives no one said a word for half an hour of the walk because

we're all just like oh we're gonna fucking eat so much shit here have you set this gig up is this all yours no no no this guy guy in Bangkok has a club, but then he only put it on sale like six days out from the gig. And it's like, who the fuck's coming to see us in Bangkok? And it's like Australian prices to get in as well. Right. So it's like an expat bar, though. Yeah.

But I could see him on Facebook, the promoter, putting it in all these expat groups on Facebook one day out from the gig. I'm like, this is not a good move. This is a very last minute desperate bitch move. We're just anticipating playing two...

The expat groups that you're just in? No, no, no. For some reason they're coming up. Because you're tagged in them or whatever. Is the show billed as Mr. Google and Friends? Honestly, he put it in like 32 expat groups. Anything that's to do with ex-Australians in Bangkok, he's put it in there. I mean, that is a good technique.

Yes, absolutely. Not a day out though. No. But when I was doing gigs in LA and stuff, that's where you would promote all the stuff, would be all the expat groups. And you would. You you get really great crowds because people are like, oh, this is a good fun thing to go and do.

Yeah, a lot of people just move there as well, looking to meet people. Well, you know, people go to like, you know, Australian themed pubs or English themed pubs. They want to see a bit of a reminder of home. Yes, exactly. And why it was good to have left. Yeah.

People like this live there. So we get there and it's above an old English pub. How big's the venue? It's got big posters of Eddie Izzard and Jimmy Carr in there where I'm like, I saw those posters. I don't know how those people are playing there because this is, I reckon, about a 60-seater. Do you reckon that was like 10 years ago or something or even longer?

Before they started comedy maybe maybe they were just pictures of them attending comedy they had a drink yeah I don't know it seemed like

a weird pit stop on their world tour to me it was a very small venue so we get there and the whole time I've been like

no one's coming to this no one's coming to this and what's worse than no one coming to this the only people coming to it are the other 6 people that are on the

trip with us the other 6 people that are on the trip with us. The other six people who are definitely on your side after the fact that you were the guys who were in the platinum. Yes, and also Mr. Google himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then, you know, like I think us, I think the people in this room, what's funnier, someone being funny on stage

or someone not being funny on stage? Someone not being funny on stage is a way better joke. Yeah, in any other scenario, sure. But also, like, if I'm like a friend of a friend who's gone along on this holiday and then you bomb that gig, I wouldn't be enjoying you bombing the gig. I'd be going like, I've wasted a fucking night of my holiday on this. I wouldn't even be able to have a, like, funny response to it.

I just would be annoyed. Yes. I would be angry at you for ruining part of my holiday. Yes. So that's what we're worried about at this point. Weird green mile that we're walking down to.

So then we get there. Green curry mile. Is the lineup just you and Blakey? Is it a two-hander? No, because they're like, oh, you can just do like an hour each. I'm like, we're not fucking doing an hour each. We're not doing any of this sort of stuff.

So then he's getting expat locals to do stand-up before us. So then we get to the... Don't read ahead. Well, that's about all the time we have, guys. So then we get there and it's upstairs from a British pub and we're looking at everyone on the way up and we're looking for posters. We find one in the toilet which is nice

that's about it there's not much signage around alright Mr Toilet yeah so then then we go up we go upstairs and it's

the gig starts at 8 o'clock so then we go up into the room and we're like yep the gig's officially open there is no one there we go downstairs into the waiting bit

there's no one there's there's about 8 people there in the waiting floor there's a second's about eight people there in the waiting floor there's a second floor third floor is comedy second floor

seems to be like where you sit when you're waiting for the comedy open and we sit around and everyone's playing chess it's like oh it's nice that people are just

occupying themselves while they're waiting to come into the gig and then we find out no that's chess club there's a different thing happening there's more people

at chess club on a Friday night in Bangkok than there are to see stand up comedy so there's no one waiting to see us they've got a good promoter though chess club yeah yeah the night in Bangkok than there are to see stand up comedy so there's no one waiting to see us they've got a good

promoter though yeah yeah the posters have been up for weeks so then we go fuck there is literally no one coming

and at this point our mates haven't even turned up so now it's like well that's good at this point yeah that relief

when it's like oh we're going to cancel it it's going to be great yeah yeah yeah we're like we're cancelling this aren't we

I mean this was only an elaborate ruse for me to go on this trip in the first place the ideal scenario in a way is cancelling this whole show and it's sort of ruined

half my day at this point because all I'm doing is worrying about the gig that intersection where you're like yeah there's going to be zero people instead of the four

that meant I would have had to do the gig gig gets cancelled right now I just go off into the night and I do whatever the fuck I want. At that moment in your head, you're like,

oh, please, please. Yes, yes. So then we go in there. We're like, great. There's no one here. We're going to cancel it. And then the guy's like, no, no, we were thinking about cancelling,

but people have turned, we've got like seven people turn up now. This is the worst. Yeah, this is just the worst of all. It's like easy. Seven people have turned up it's our mates oh great

the gig goes ahead to the guys aren't paying awesome great stuff so we've got them in the room and that's it at this point

it's now five past eight and we're like this is the gig supposed to start five minutes ago there's literally no other people in the room

no there's no other people there so then but then we're like fucking hell when do yeah but you're not on yet there's still

some locals to go there's a bit of time there's a buffer yeah so i'm saying to the guy we're not starting yet are we he's like no no it's fine it's fine we'll wait for a few more and look honestly thank fucking god people started trickling in trickling in trickling in we're like man they ended up being like i reckon 35 to 40 there but like within half and hour. I started mega late. I'm like, fuck, awesome. Nice one. Great. Thank God for this. My mates are just getting more and more pissed.

It's like, let's start the gig. And then the organiser's like, can you guys sit down? They're like, how about you get fucked? How about you suck my dick? They're like, oh man, don't start fights. We've got to go on. They're like, yeah,

but we don't need to get told to fucking sit down. I'm like, if you could, that'd really fucking help help us out if you don't start a gig and start punching little french men here this would be really fucking helpful for us so then they're like okay so they sit down and then the gig starts and they're like classic mates they're like watching everyone else going this fucking sucks yeah can you tell them? No, I don't think I can pass that one on. So local expat hosting and then they have another act before you guys. A couple of other acts. All right. Expats from where?

American, one of your mates. Uh-huh. Sure. The host is half English, half Thai, I think. So you know what that means? Oh, yeah. Get up in the morning, don't know whether to have a chip butty or a... Almost.

A penang. Yeah, there we go. There it is. You got there. Was it as good as that? I would love to say yes. That's in my head. I was like, I don't need to worry about this too bad.

I bet it's still going to be better than whatever the actual material was. I won't repeat anyone's material, but I will say the last two words, like the punchline of one of their jokes. Okay. Literally this. Duck sandwich. No, no. With a th.

Snakes alive. Again, we'll get to that. snakes alive again we'll get to that literally a thrust of the groin and the words bang cock look if we weren't already if we had more time yeah this the whole podcast could be working backwards and trying to work out heavy truck style what the setup what the setup to thrust, bang, cock. Start with Confucius saying. But like even the crowd were like, man, how the fuck are you pulling that one?

Like no one's ever entered the city of Bangkok without thinking vaguely of that joke. The first time you saw it on a globe when you were like nine. I love the idea of that being your local gear. It's like this is it on a globe when you were like nine. Yeah. I love the idea of that being your local gear. It's like, this is the only place in the world where this bit could work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right in amongst it.

Yeah, yeah. And just like, you could tell they're not comedy connoisseurs, but they're like, no, I can't. No, no. So grown, massive grown for the Bangkok.

No confusion. Like honestly, not even a grown, just like people going, how did you think you were going to fucking pull that off? Well, the problem was that Eddie Izzard had done the exact same thing. Honestly, not even a groan, just people going, how did you think you were going to fucking pull that off? Well, the problem was that Eddie Izzard had done the exact same thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so, generally speaking, host, support act, how are they going overall? Is the response... Would they be getting booked at your clubs here? Or would they get on at Spleen? Yeah.

Cut to Carl this week in a basement doing the Bangkok joke. But is the overall response kind of filling you in? But it's more like the Harold Holt joke would have worked over there, but not in your attack here. Bangkok's not hacky. It's still fresh in here. True. Is it filling you with confidence and faith that you're going to go well?

Yeah, I was going to say, how are they going in the room? A minute in, I'm like, Blakey, we got this. But then cut to them doing their thing and sort of, you know, there's that thing where you can come on after someone hasn't gone that well

and you can feel that there's a good vibe in the room and there's hope in the room. And then when someone does that level of comedy for about 30 minutes and you start to see people go, maybe we should have got wanked off tonight or something. So they've lost faith. Maybe I just don't like comedy.

Yeah. I guess they juice it all up on the specials on Netflix. And in real life it sucks. And not only that, but one of the guys has done all the crowd work. He's talked to everyone in the room. I'm like, oh, now everyone hates crowd work. I'm not going to be able to talk to anyone. This is going to be the worst.

So this is not good. And then, so then that all happens. It's all whatever. And then we get to the, it's nearly me on. The organizer says to me, he's actually looked us up on YouTube and looked up our bits and whatever. Great. And he goes, right, just before you go on, just do me one favor. I'm like, one favor i'm like yeah no worries he's like two things one i don't know if you know that is it called cause celeste or something like that where it's like you're not allowed to

um make fun of the king or anything like that i'm like yeah no no problem because there's like you know serious trouble if you make any fun of the royalty over there you can say one one that cause less thing don't make fun of the king two Two, do me a favor, do duck sandwich. I'm like, can't. Have you been worded up or something? Is this some sort of fucking podcast thing or something? Yeah. He's like, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm like, really? I'm like, okay, no, you just watched a clip and gone, no, that's a good joke. I'm like, okay, I feel like this is a bit sus or something. Anyway, so I go on. Again, because everyone's not gone particularly well, I do do very well. I go very well. And then I get towards the end.

And I've been thinking, what ones of my jokes would work here? What's got local references? What's got things that they don't have here in Bangkok? Now, you did speak recently on the podcast about the fact that the way you will remember material is that you'll imagine a house and the jokes will be in various places in the house. Yeah fact that the way you will remember material is that you'll imagine a house

and the jokes will be in various places in the house. Yeah, that's right. Are you going through the house at this point? Is that what you're doing?

Are you opening cupboards? What side of the house are we talking about? Oh, there's more of a notepad on stage. Yeah, right. Look at Janine Garofalo up here with a notepad.

There's been a few too many chanks consumed during the day to know what the fuck is in the house anymore. The house is a bit of a mess at this point. But the fact that

you've got jokes has elevated you above everybody else in the first place. So the fact that you've got a notebook, no one's going to go away. Yes.

So the jokes are going very well. They're going good. So much so that I had thought duck sandwich, I don't know if that would fly in Bangkok. I'm going so well,

I'm riding the wave, let's pull out duck sandwich. Big handbra know if that had flown in Bangkok. I'm going so well. I'm riding the wave. Let's pull out duck sandwich. Oh, big handbrake there in Bangkok. Really? I did get one very, very big laugh from Brett Blake at the back of the room. Screaming laugh. The kiss of death.

Not even the promoter who requested it. Not even a courtesy laugh. No, the promoter's like, oh, fuck, heard it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a chance though, because sometimes this will happen, if he's gone to those Facebook groups and whatever,

has he dropped in, hey, you should come and see these guys, and, like, he's, like, shown them Duck Sandwich. So everyone in the room has come in and they've already seen Duck Sandwich. I did notice this, and I was a little bit insulted. A lot of the promo was very heavy on Brett Blake's YouTube clips and not mine.

Yeah. Not many of mine got shared for that. So that was all still fresh. No excuses. Dark Sandwich was still unheard

by everyone at this point. So anyway, did well, but like I said, thought I'll get off all the local gear, whatever. So then Blakey goes on.

Blakey, and again, we're all nervous. I'd been nervous. The gig had gone fine. He's still nervous. How long did you do? I believe about 20 minutes. Okay. Yeah, so it was all right. I'd been nervous. The gig had gone fine. He's still nervous. How long did you do? I believe about 20 minutes.

Okay. Yeah, so it was all right. And then he went on to, and he was supposed to do 20 minutes. He did about 35. He crushed. He went fucking great. He killed it.

Excellent gig by Brett Blake. He doesn't really like it when I talk about him on the podcast. I get notes every week. I get threats of violence every week. He doesn't like it when I say anything about him on the podcast. I get notes every week. I get threats of violence every week. He doesn't like it when I say anything about him on the podcast. What, like, complimentary stuff? No, that's the first time

I've been complimentary. But what I will note from his gig was this. There was, like I said, I was very worried about local references. And also, I think I cop a bit of commentary on my style of stand-up. People say that all I do is get on there and rain shit on the audience

and call the audience's names. Now, look, I won't defend myself, but what I will do is quote what Brett Blake did say on stage to the front row within three minutes of opening, which is exactly this. He said to someone directly in front of him in the front row, out of, like I said, 35 punters in the whole room, I'm going to bash you with your own boat shoe you wears,

Wally-looking cunt. That was three minutes into the gig, so that was his crowd work. Nice. Killing. Was he the guy wearing a striped red and white shirt? I don't think so, no. That's what I like even more about that. Didn't have glasses, wasn't wearing a stripy top.

Also, he was in the front row. Wasn't really hidden. Exactly. Not the place where Wally would be hiding. But he's killing, he's crushing with that. He's crushing. No, oh, look, that's a very big bonding experience. The Australians at the side of the room are fucking absolutely loving this shit.

All of a sudden, Brett Blake is the king of comedy. But like I said, I'd been struggling and worrying about local references and eliminating anything that sounded a little bit Australian. He had a punchline that the last two words were

Steve Monaghetti. Oh, yeah. I don't even know that reference. You don't. The 1996 gold medal Commonwealth Games winning marathon runner born in Ballarat. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Him. Yeah, yeah. You don't. The 1996 gold medal Commonwealth Games winning marathon runner born in Ballarat.

Oh shit. Oh yeah him. Yeah. To be fair he got a laugh in fucking Bangkok. Yeah. With Steve

Monaghetti. But I mean like you said expat audience right. Most of them from the Commonwealth I imagine. Oh yeah.

Okay. Okay. They still keep up with the games. Okay. Maybe that's why And they've done it again Oh, yes

Well, we heard after that We were like I remember, like, we finished and went My God, that was What a great story from Goldstein Yep And we're like That's so rare for someone to come in and have a good story

And then you get a few bunch of fucking nerds on socials coming, he already fucking told this story on his podcast. Like, sorry for having it on a podcast with more than fucking five listeners, guys. Sorry about that. Well, and also, why wouldn't he? It's like, why wouldn't he have told it on his own? It would have been weirder if he hadn't. Yes.

I did think at a point, I'm like, is this? Because he's got a podcast called Fire and Hacks. I'm like, well, I guess this isn't a hack. I don't know how strict those guys are on that podcast about what they're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe this isn't technically a hack, so you've got to tell it on some other podcast. Well, and you know, it's like, funnily enough, I remember having a conversation with Will Anderson about this, about like telling a story, you know, that you've already told on a pod

and telling it again. It's like you're telling it with different people, so the interjections are going to be different, which means that your telling of it is going to be slightly different. Different ingredients. It doesn't matter. It's a different flavour. It's a little bit like hearing a song on an album and then hearing it live.

It's like, yeah, great. This is slightly different. Totally. I enjoy this. I know it's going to happen, but I'm the the different parts again it's taylor's version yeah yeah yeah yeah totally totally uh i did like one person was like uh he told it in more detail on the phone hacks i'm like the version he told on here went for like 35 minutes how much how much extra i didn't feel like boy he's really cutting some corners in the telling of this.

Yeah, this wasn't the radio edit. Yeah. This is the 12-inch mix. Yeah, what did he miss out on? Yeah. I don't know. And those sort of stories, the best bits are us fucking yelling at him and going, what the fuck happened on this bit?

Well, and also, again, it's like he told it in more detail in his own pod. I would hope so. Yeah. Well, I'm glad. Yeah, more detail. He told it in more detail in his own pod? I would hope so. Yeah. Well, I'm glad. Yeah, more detail. He told him more detail, but by the sound of it, he didn't cut out anything good.

Right. It's not like he's like, oh, I was overseas, and we're like, where were you? And he's like, not telling. Yeah. I refuse to tell you what comes out.

He cut it down. He cut out the shit bits for us. Good. Great. You're welcome for the editing. A true... We could have had an interval bits for us. Good. Great. You're welcome for the editing. A true, we could have had an interval in that episode.

Yeah. Well, that was an episode where I had, I was coming and going, you're so used to guests not bringing anything in. I'm like, I've got it from here, boys.

I just came back from Thailand. I've got this massive thing, massive long story I can tell. And then Goldstein comes in and goes, here's a fucking massive story. I'm like, when the fuck does this ever happen

with us anymore? Never. Well, it's, I mean, look, to put the cards on the table, I haven't cut the clips out of these episodes yet. And this is one where it's like,

which bit am I taking? Right. Which half an hour am I putting in? Right. Right. So you listening at home, you've got more intel

than I do right now. Because as we're recording this, I don't know what you've just fucking heard. Well, look, should we get a guest on the show right now? My mum's ringing. Oh, okay. Sure. Probably not. Probably shouldn't.

I like that she's saying your phone is mum phone. No, no. Mum iPhone. I would have told this before, but again, hey, we're in a best of. When I first met my girlfriend, she had a dog that's name was Tommy. And I think I'm still saved in her phone as Tommy Human. I'm like, what in case the dog calls you? Again, you've now said two things that you said you've said before.

Fuck, I'm loving it. I don't listen to this show. I mustn't listen to anyone that says anything on this show. I've got to vote in the best of next year. That's great. Clip this. Clip this bit. I always forget.

It's always because like I think we – Clip that story and play it right now again. I think it's happened this year where we've done an episode right at the end of the year after the countdown, after the voting has gone up, that I think were it a month or so ago, it probably could have been in the top five. It probably would have been a lot of people's favorites. I always feel bad for those couple that we do at the end of the year that we just assume are not up for consideration. We don't ever go back and then include them. I should start putting the best of from the previous year you can vote for it and then we just clip out us talking about an episode sure

oh you can put that bit in there just then i'll be happy to put that in later in the episode um well once we've this is what's this like the fourth or fifth year we've done it so we probably are almost ready to have a countdown of what what your best best of. Best of, best of. Yeah. Yeah. No, totally. So self-indulgent. Yeah. It's like in some football leagues, like in the English Premier League, they have like

a, you know, voting for the best player, but they have it at a certain time of year. So they have it in March, near the end of the season. And it's like, it's so much influence on who's playing well at that point no one's going yeah fuck this guy was killing it in august it's like no who scored last night yeah yeah he's good and then they vote for that person oh yeah yeah yeah i mean it's it's every year you kind of notice it on top of that then people who go really well in april and may it's like well yeah it doesn't matter anymore yeah it no. It really does feel like with these countdowns, in most people's heads, the year starts around the comedy festival

because it's like often there'll be one of those live EPSs in the mix. Well, I would have voted for Heathcote, so that wasn't even this year. Just the ones with guests that we're doing in January, it's just too far back for people to remember. They're like, I don't know. Well, also i think well especially given the results so far um you're very much influenced over if there's a defined solid one long story an actual thing it was the episode with the fiji thing and whatever instead

of just like a consistent funny thing where we talk about 20 different great funny things and funny guests, but there's nothing to hang your hat on. Yeah, totally. But, but who knows? We've still got three to go. Yeah, I think that, well, I think there's definitely one coming up that there's fucking nothing to hang a hat on. Oh.

Okay. So number three. As voted by who? As voted by the public. By you out there. By yous. Number three. Episode 621.

I thought it would be number one, that one. Nazeem Hussain and Brett Blake. Oh, of course. Another story. Right. Okay. Well, I guess we played the clip. Right, okay, well I guess we play the clip.

I had to go to the dentist and so I do, my dentist has got two venues, if that's what you call them. Are you on the wallet either of them? Two branches, one in the city and one in Templestowe. And so I try to book in and I go, I'll have the city, thanks. I'm one stop away from it on the train. They go, no, no, no, well, yeah, no worries. That's four months time because everyone wants to go to the city and one in Templestowe. And so I try to book in and I go, I'll have the city, thanks. I'm one stop away from it on the train. They go, no, no, no. Oh, well, yeah, no worries. That's four months time because everyone wants to go to the city. No one wants to go to fucking Templestowe.

I'm like, well, I need to go to the dancers. I can't, I'm not going to wait four months. They go, we'll go to Templestowe. So I'm like, okay, no worries. Or you can go there next week, two weeks time or something. Great. All right. So I didn't realize they booked me in for, not only for Templestowe, which is 25 kilometers

away, they booked me in for 8. for Templestowe which is 25 kilometres away they've booked me in for 8.30 in the morning so then I'm like fucking hell so I wake up that morning and have to you know

get in the car at 7.30 to get out there in time because they're going into peak hour traffic to go to fucking Templestowe the rat race yeah exactly and then

and it takes a full hour because on top of everything else I do take several wrong turns and then I'm in and that's the worst thing and I've seen you use a GPS before you don't actually put in infuriating

the destination you just stare at the map and kind of guess where you're going follow it it is the fucking dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life

I do do that just get a Milways Milways would be better than staring at the blue dot at least you can put a pen on there yeah that you stare at the search light and just go, oh, okay. It does look like I'm following the Domino's driver to deliver a pizza. There is a bit of that.

It is frustrating. So not only that. So yes, that is part of the reason I'm getting lost. And not only that, getting lost in peak hour where I'm going, I've taken several wrong turns because I've seen a highway and gone, I need to get on that highway. And so I turn left there and then you go,

oh, you know what? That's not actually joining the highway. That's just going over the top of the highway because I don't realise how that looks. This is like how you play Grand Theft Auto. Just fucking drive around and find a bit that looks fun. Run over a few people.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, look, a highway over there. I could probably fucking land a helicopter on it if I wanted. It's just like hit start and then it just tells you everything. Yeah, put the marker on. Yeah, you don't have to do anything and you just follow it. Look up the controls.

I actually don't know how to do that, but I'll ask you after. You don't know how to press start? I don't know how to do it that way, yeah. You don't know how to type in a destination and hit start? Oh, my God. I'll show you right now. Yeah, show me how to do it. It is so easy.

No one's ever showed me how to do it. Check it out. Oh. You see the button that says start? Oh, okay. The only one that's highlighted in blue. Oh, yeah, that's nice. You press it. There you go.

All right, I'll use that. Are you fucking kidding? You never knew how to do that? I've never done that before. So you always used to drive like this? Yes. Oh, my God. You are...

What? Cool? You do a lot of cool things in your life, and you're clever in most ways. But that is... Oh, look. Absolutely. However, that's why I'm giving this as a present to Blakey because in terms of cars and stuff, I'm fucked in the head. That's not a car.

That's your brain. That's your brain. Don't blame the car. I reckon my dog could fucking work the maps app on the phone. Or so can I now. Good boy. So you were just driving around this freeway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And getting in traffic jams going the wrong way, which is like extra infuriating when you're stuck, pointed the wrong way. You can't even go the wrong way right. So I'm going back to this map thing. Also not just going to someone, hey, I don't know how to use this for the last eight years Google Maps been around.

Never once going, hey, can someone quickly show me? You know how to hack into CCTV in another country? You're on the computer 90% of the time slagging off other comedy clubs and other comedians. Surely you can write on YouTube, how do I use Google Maps? I also love Carl's brain of like, we're getting near the end of the ep.

I'm the one that has the hard out time that has to go, I'll bring this story up just to close out the remaining three minutes of the pod. Should be a nice little stroll to the finish line. I'll be a little bit late now, obviously. So I'm doing that. I'm stuck in traffic. So now, obviously. All right. So I'm doing that. I'm stuck in traffic. So it takes me the full hour.

So I get out there. You're just hoping that you'll see a big sign that says Templestowe this way. Templestowe dentist. Carl's dentist this way. Yes. Yes.

Absolutely. So I'm doing that. And so I finally get out of the traffic. So it's taking me like 50, 55 minutes. I've got about five to 10 minutes up my sleeve

to get there in time. I've given myself so much time. I'm like, great great perfect so i all i have to do is turn right these lights and then go up this hill and i'm there so i get to the uh traffic lights and i'm waiting for the green arrow and then there's a guy next to me in the in traffic pointing at me and i'm like i don't know what the fuck this means and i'm like what and then i look over and i'm going fuck this is this road is really dusty maybe he's pointing at that it's so dusty this road which is weird because it rained like the night before like why oh that's not dust that's like steam or smoke or something and then just as the green light goes, that's happening. So I'm thinking that as I'm turning around and going, yeah, that is weird.

I wonder what's going on. And again, I don't know. If you think I don't know anything about fucking Google Maps, I know less about cars. Well, I can assure you, smoke coming out of the bonnet is not a good thing. Someone doesn't need to point it at you. It's right in your eye sight. Hey, at this point it was dust, okay?

So I was more concerned for the roads of Melbourne than I was for my own car it was a dust storm yeah yeah boy Tempest really is a far way out I'm seeing cactus

I've seen tumbleweeds I think the dust smells like smoke tumbleweeds yeah so then I turn a few gunslingers on the side of the road I'm turning right and I'm going

okay so how do I confirm that this is a bad thing and I'm looking at my dash going I've never looked at the far I don't know even what it's called what's the far right sort of i think you'll see a light of just a thumbs up or thumbs down keep going champ it's all good this is meant to be happening

so the far right indicator thing is like whatever it is and i'm assuming and i'm looking at it figuring it out as i go it's like oh that looks a little bit like a thermometer. And that's, look, and now, this is my, my car's got the flu. He's got COVID, he better isolate for seven days. Big mask on the front of your car. I'm trying to think quick

and it's up at maximum and I'm like, well, maximum temperature, that's, yeah, I'm like, that's bad, right?

And then that's the point when I look at the other side of the car and that's where I notice that's where all the steam and the smoke's coming out of. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm only 400 metres from the dentist at this point. No! And I'm going up a hill.

And I'm like, so I'm very quickly going, what do I do? Do I get away with it? Or what happens here? How long have I got? 400 metres. How long have I got? And then I literally think back. How busy, like how possible is it to pull over?

Like how busy is it? It's busy. But there's parking. It's not like, is it a is it to pull over? Like how busy is it? It's busy. But there's parking. It's not like, is it a clear way at this point? There's no parking. You can't stop. You're not allowed to stop. I've told this before.

My friend, his car broke down in the middle of the CBD in peak hour. And it's just all people behind him just fucking gone bananas. And then a guy like in an office building just near where he had like fucking was broken down in front of. This guy opens up the window and leans out and goes, sort your life out, cunt. I'm not even affected by it, but just like looking away, just seeing this, he's like, this is fucked. I love an honest review.

Get out of the car and push it out of the way, you fucking softball. It doesn't affect me at all this is this is all good advice now but i needed that back then so i see the difference in your decision it either costs you 500 or it costs you a new car well that's it so the only the only bit of advice that's ever stuck from my old man about cars that stuck in my head it came to me like Obi Obi Kenobi style right then it was like him saying nerd

if you God is this the Steel Wars podcast I had to think fuck is that his name Obi Obi-Wan yeah well there you go

I got it wrong so I'm still cool I'm still cool I got it wrong I'm pushing up the Lego glasses by the way so like if it's you can't keep driving if it's over you're gonna blow something up so then i'm like okay i mean that goes for everything i know also and it's really annoying

me now because i the i've told you about the battery before and i was like can't when's the last time you changed your oil and water you've got to check that every two or three months and you're like i don't even know where that is or how to open my bonnet yes and i was like you are a 50 year old man this is so dumb yes yes yes 46 but whatever so uh it's the only thing i'll bring up but so i pull over and i'm like right okay i'm gonna pull over i ring the dentist and i'm like i'm can you fix my car can you give us a push the engine's like the teeth of the car, really. You open up the bonnet, that's like the mouth. Get in there.

Can you put a brace on my car? Yeah, bring that little vacuum thing to suck up all the smoke that's coming out. I think my car's got an overbite. Can you come and fix it? So, I ring the dentist first and I say, look, I'm 400 metres away. And they go, great. And And I go the bad news is Can you come to me? The bad news

You do mobile dentistry? Yeah You're like I've already got a chair You're whining back Yeah yeah yeah I don't mind spitting in the center console I've got to push this up the hill Or you can just walk down it

I know which one's easier Bring your tools Can you bring some of that rinsing fluid For my radiator? I think you brought the rinsing tools today. Can I drink it to just end myself? It's so bad. So then I'm like, I'm 400 meters away. They go, great. I said, no, bad news is my

car is broken. I don't know what's... And they go, cool, we'll just park it and walk away and just come up and have your teeth cleaned. And I'm like, I can't do that. I'm pretty sure I've parked. I'm basically on the road.

There's people coming up behind me and beeping and then having to go around me. There's no room to park. This is a bad place to park. I can't do that. And they're like, oh, okay. Okay. All right. Well.

What are you wanting them to do? I'm just telling them. What are you a child? Help me solve my issues. I'm only 50. I've had no life experience. She just yells, sort your life out. Sort your life out. Well, I can't, but I've got to ring them to say, I'm due there in five minutes.

I'm not going to be there. And they're like, oh, okay. All right. So you definitely can't be there. I'm like, well, I can't leave my car like on the road and then walk up the hill. The other version of this, say if I did this to you while going to your comedy club and I was like, leave it on the road, you fucking cunt. I've got 200 people here.

If you did that, it'd be straight down to Officeworks and you'd be straight up there in A1, baby. But just a photo of the broken down car on the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what this man sacrificed to come and do it. So then I go, well, I'm just saying I can't get there and I can't leave the car. And they go, okay,

well, we'll rebook you in. Well, do you want to be in the city or in Templestowe? I'm like, well, not, well,

I have to do Templestowe because it takes four months to get into the city. They go, no, you can book in there tomorrow. Like, the fuck am I booked into Templestowe for then? Someone just fucking made that up when I rang up before. They're like,

you can go in there tomorrow at 10, 11, 12 or 3.30. I'm like, fucking hell. So they rebooked me in for that. I'm like, okay. All right, well, that solves the dentist problem. So then I have to ring roadside assistance. And I'm like, oh, can you come out? Are they on speed dial, by the way?

You ring them that much? Yes. The guy's like, how many times has your battery run flat? For all the people that pay roadside assistance and never use it, I'm the one that sort of... You're cashing in. Yeah. On average, they're still getting a bad deal off it.

Do you have an old car? Yeah. But he doesn't drive it, and so it sits there for six months. And if batteries don't... You need a trickle charger, so it just keeps topping it up. Particularly with older cars. Exactly what Brett said. And I've told him 3,000 times.

I've sent him the model number you just need to it's so easy you've told this 50 year old man so many times 46 51 so

so I ring them they go okay well I go I don't know what's wrong with it I thought there was dust but there's not

there's smoke or maybe steam so they come out and it takes them half an hour to come out and in the meanwhile they're like just put on your hazard lights and I'm like I don't know how to do that so then I just wait for them to come out and it takes them half an hour to come out and in the meanwhile they're like just put on your hazard lights and i'm like uh i don't know how to do that so then i just wait for them to come

out and then they don't know how to put the hazard lights yeah you've got an old car there's not that many fucking buttons on there you know what i mean i went through them all i tried you gotta plug in the i went through them all it's not the fucking i was busy talking to the dentist okay were you putting the left indicator on there, the right indicator on there? Yes, yes. Calling back the dentist, hey, while I've got you,

where are the hazard lights on my car? It's not the only red button in any vehicle. I tried to ring Dad, but he was busy. I was the only person I was brave enough to try and ask how to do that. Busy doing what? Why didn't you ring me? I would have just abused you on the side of the road.

Exactly, that's why I didn't ring. I would have at least told you at the end where the hazards were. So then, so the RACV man told me how to do it. So then he comes up, then goes,

look, I think this is what's happened. It's some sort of capper's burst or something like that. So you can't drive it like this. You're going to have to get it towed. I'm like, oh, okay.

And so they go, okay, well, I'll bring that. I'll get that organized to have to get it towed. I'm like, oh, okay. And so they go, okay, well, I'll bring that. I'll get that organized. We'll get it towed. Great, perfect. And so then I sit there and I'm thinking, oh, this will be quick.

I sit there for half an hour. Then the tow truck rings me and goes, cool, so this will be between three and four hours. We'll come out and get it. And I'm like, I'm fucking in the middle of nowhere. Like, I thought this was going to be

like a half hour job or something. I'll bring up the dentist and say we're back on. Yeah. I window yeah so then i go but i'm parked like sort of on in the road like this is really bad i think and by then i've got the hazards on so people have stopped beeping me and they're just going around did you at least push it off to the side as much as i could as much as i could i'll give you that yeah so then uh then and i'm i'm sitting there in the car trying to do work to make the most of my time

while I'm in the car and there's so many people beeping me like I can't concentrate booking my Facebook comedy. They see you just in there fucking on the laptop. They think you're watching Netflix. You've got to do the thing

where you sort of stand by the car and you're like, you know, you're pacing and you're like kind of pulling to the point and going, oh God,

Mondays, am I right? Also, it's just the radiator caps fucking busted. Just go to the fucking 7-Eleven and put water in it and pulling to the point and going, oh God, Mondays am I right? Also, it's just the radiator caps fucking busted. Just go to the fucking 7-Eleven. I don't know that. Put water in it and they sell the caps there.

I don't know any of that. You can drive 400 metres out of the way. I don't know that. But that's a good point. That's what I did do. I got out of the car. I sat on the grass

next to the car and I sat facing the traffic with my laptop and I'm doing work. Work as in Officeworks photos. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm doing work and then I go, man photos. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm doing work and then I go,

man, this has fixed everything. Like people aren't beeping anymore. People are slowing right down. And then I realised, I think people thought I was a speed camera. I was like a manual

speed camera. Like I was sitting on the laptop facing traffic. And they were like, oh, fucking hell. And all of a sudden people are doing 30

like faster than the highway. Using the fucking webcam on your laptop as a speed camera. Photo booth reckons you were going 10 kilometres over. Carl gets into character and just starts yelling, got your cunts! Abusing everyone as they go past.

He's got one of the novelty backgrounds on. You were doing 70 kilometres on the beach. So then they ring and go, oh, three or four hours. I'm like, fuck, this is, what do I do now? I'm not hanging out in town. I'm 25 kilometres out of town. I've got nothing to do. I'm like fuck this is what do I do now I'm not hanging out in town I'm 25 kilometres out of town

I've got nothing to do I'm in the middle of nowhere there's not even any shops near me I'm like in this highway bit and they go the idea that

perusing the shops would have made it alright I would have done it just down to the haberdashery three hours in there looking at fabrics there's a big

spotlight show do this in suede so then they go oh well you're just going to have to do it that's how long it takes so I go well

what do I do with my keys like how do you get into it or whatever they go just leave it under your seat I'm like oh really is that safe

and they go yeah it's fine well they can't drive off with it someone might steal this broken car this 1980s car yeah the 1970s BMW.

1989. So then I go, okay, so then I get an Uber to the nearest train station. I figure, all right, I'll just get the train back in.

So that is still fucking miles off. So then I get the Uber to there. I get off at the train station. It's so far out, it's in zone two.

So that means the trains aren't coming very often. So I get there just as one's left. There's 29 minutes to go until the next train. Fuck, I couldn far out, it's in zone two. So that means the trains aren't coming very often. So I get there just as one's left. There's 29 minutes to go until the next train. Fuck,

I couldn't have timed it worse. Fucking hell. Also, get the Uber all the way to your house. Yeah, but it's fucking ages away.

I thought this would be an easy fix. Quick train station. We know you love your trains, Carl. We know you love your trains. So then I go,

so there's 29 minutes to go. 29 minutes to go. So I'm like, fucking hell. So then there's like Safeway down the 29 minutes to go. So I'm like, fucking hell. So then there's like Safeway down the road. There's shops. I'm like, all right, I'll go down and do that. We're on. We're finally.

Suburban moment. Browsing Safeway. There's only a massive sexy land. And you're like, I've got to go in here. If anyone wants to know fucking what's in what aisle in the Eltham Coles, fucking I can tell you because there's 29 minutes well spent out there. Okay, yeah. Just walking up and down the aisles.

Well, there's nothing to do. What do I do for 29 minutes? Did you get anything? Yeah, I did a bit of shopping. They would have thought this 60-year-old man's escaped from the home. Are you okay, sir?

Yes, yes. Is this like after school hours? Be respectful. He's clearly from the World War. This is early because it's so early in the morning. So this is still like 9.30 or 10 o'clock or something. Nothing's open clearly from the world war This is early Because it's so early In the morning So this is still like 9.30 or 10 o'clock

Or something like that Nothing's open Apart from the supermarket I wonder what people Think that you are or do Like you're just Yeah I don't know So then I'm walking around

For like 25 minutes And I'm like Oh I better get back And then as I walk out There's like a Really nice looking bakery So I go I'll get a chocolate muffin

For the train You've ended Yeah I'll get a chocolate muffin 90% of the time When I see Carl Because we live on The same kind of the same road but different suburbs he's just walking around and always eating something just walking around with a full pizza or a fish and hiding from my wife yes yeah just or he'd come to my house and just eat out the front and be like

hey man what's going on and just eating a full pizza in front of me then he fucks off and leaves the rubbish behind there we go i knew it was coming I knew that bit was coming so then I do that so I get there I order the muffin and then fuck knows why for some reason that takes five minutes and I'm sitting there going

is that muffin and they've just gone out the back and they wouldn't come back or whatever so I'm like sweating on a fucking muffin I grab the muffin I run

miss the fucking train the muffin makes me miss the train so now 29 minutes to go again back to fucking SoFlo back to Woolworths just keys off do they have a train direct to the Westgate bridge and he missed the train. So now, 29 minutes to go again. Back to fucking SoFlo. Back to Woolworths.

Just keys off. Did they have a train direct to the Westgate? Lying down on the tracks. In the 29 fucking minutes. This is life telling you that there's nothing more for you. So it's an hour in Eltham.

So I've done a few laps of Eltham. Of the Eltham shopping centre. But is Eltham even that far? What would an Uber be? It'd be 50 bucks. Maybe. I don't know. I just...

For the pure inconvenience of being in a... Yeah, but I don't want to lose now. I've already spent half an hour in Eltham. I might as well fucking get the... But who are you losing to? Life? You know what I mean? Like, who's this competition?

Yeah, you're playing this game against yourself. You're the only loser. All right, well, this is all great ideas after the event, all right? These are all great ideas now. So I'll wait the 29 minutes. How was the muffin? Muffin was all right. Was it worth it?

It was all right. Oh, my the wait? It was all right. Oh, my fucking God. It looked better than what it was. Was it dry? It was drier than I thought. Why don't you get a muffin from Coles? You're walking around there. No, they're not moist enough.

They're a bit dry. This one looked extra moist. Are you just poking muffins? No, dry, dry. Oh, the poking muffin guy's back again. You think of supermarkets that they're not as fresh. You go to the independent cafes, they've got to be... So you walked around the entire supermarket,

not satisfied with anything there. No. I was like, no. Not only that, they didn't have the sandwiches I like, so I pissed off. The pivot from this day, starting with a journey to the dentist, and now it's just you scoffing fucking muffins.

Who's buying a sandwich from a fucking supermarket? That's the saddest sandwich I've ever heard. I like those ones. Go home, Carl. They've got the chicken and mayo ones at Carl's sandwich from a fucking supermarket? That's the saddest sandwich I've ever I like those ones. Go home, Carl. They've got the chicken and mayo ones at Carl's.

Get your fucking Uber. Get your life together. So then. Get your fucking This is more stressful than me having all those pieces of paper

on there and choosing one of your things. This is stressing me out more. So then I do that. So I go back, get on the train. So I get on the train

early. I go back five minutes early. Yep. I didn't realise the train's just sitting there waiting for me, because it's so far out. It's not waiting for you. Well. Hello?

It just happens to be there. He won't fork out for an Uber, but he will buy a train. Hey, guys, the muffin man's coming. I know some of you have work, but. Did someone meet you at the door? Well, they sort of did. So I get on the train. As soon as we take off Tickets please

Oh I didn't bring my fucking card Oh my god I didn't bring my card Because I was driving Yeah I got a fucking packet That a muffin used to be in So I immediately

I immediately get fined By the fucking How much It's like a hundred bucks Once again Still cheaper to get an Uber Yeah well Absolutely

Again I know that You know what This worked Has it worked for me Or worked for my friend I just got out of school When I got busted without a ticket on a tram. My friend. Anyway, we pretended we couldn't speak English and then we're here to the country.

And then you don't know what the hell's going on. When I was a kid and I'd get the tram home from school, I got a fine once for not having a ticket. My dad was like, if that ever happens again, just tell them that you're a tourist and that you're on a family holiday and you didn't know how the system worked. And I'm like, yeah, but dad, I'm in a school uniform. I've got my fucking bag on. Like, obviously that's not going to work. Yeah, I'm a tourist.

I'm just cosplaying as a student from this city. Just fucking fuck them and run. They can't physically restrain you. It's illegal for them. So you just look at them and go, whatever, can't. Hang on. So now I'm Brad Pitt in go, whatever cunt, and just walk off. Hang on. So now I'm Brad Pitt in bullet train just running up and down

the fucking carriage. Just don't say anything and then wait to the next stop and they physically can't stop you and you just walk off. Really? And then you feel great about just alfaring two people.

So they can't touch you? Nah. There's only a certain type that can arrest you and they've got to have handcuffs. Then I'm still stuck in fucking Temple Stove for the next 29 minutes

while I wait to get back on that train. Yeah, but you've saved $100 and you spend that money on getting a new muffin and a new burger. It would actually be a highlight of that day. Okay. This day sounds so boring. I'm going to go back and do it all again. No, this was my day off where I'm like, I'm going to get so much done today. Oh, my God.

Fucking hell. You sort of are. And meanwhile, your keys... It's a pretty action-packed day. What do you think about it? It's taken you about 25 minutes to tell us about it so far. This quick two-minute story has gone longer than the wholeed day when you think about it. It's taken you about 25 minutes to tell us about it so far. I mean, it's a quick two-minute story. You've gone a lot longer than the whole episode.

Don't worry about that. Your keys were just under the seat at this point. Yeah, yeah. So then I'm on the train. At least they weren't in your ass. His keys were in his ass before. It's funny. We don't have time for that one.

We don't have time for this one. We don't have time. So then I look at the map. I'm fucking 18 stops out of the city. Like, Jesus Christ, this is going to take me forever. So then I go all the map. I'm fucking 18 stops out of the city. Like, Jesus Christ, this is going to take me forever. So then I go all the way into the city. I get out a few stops early just to go, you know what? I'm so fucking mad.

I'm just going to walk the rest of it because there's like a Coles on the way. Oh, my God. We know how you love browsing a Coles. Yeah. See what they're like in the bits. You find it on the train and then you even get off earlier and then take a walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, you're a psycho.

So then I go to that Coles. Did they have a chicken sandwich there? No. That's the thing. That's fucking the maddest I got. There's no chicken sandwiches there either. So then I walk. I start walking.

I'm about three kilometers from home. There's no fucking trams coming. This is why I don't want to get old. So then they finally, the tow truck ring me finally and then go oh okay we're finally on our way we're there

we can't find you've given us the wrong information I'm like I didn't give you any information they're like well your car's not there

I'm like they go where is it I go I don't fucking know I don't know where I was I am a crazy person walking around various supermarkets

looking for the same thing and this is their fault that you don't know where the car is? I can tell you it's not Carl's fault. It never is. It's everyone else's

fault. You are a crazy person. The RACV has given the wrong direction. You didn't get off the phone. I don't know.

I don't know where my car is. Do you think they're Mission Impossible? They've got satellites and they pinpoint your exact location. You think they're

Spider-Man. The RACV just has car sense and they just know where a broken radiator is. I'm not blaming them. Hello, tow truck driver. My car's somewhere. I'm just saying the RACV knew where I was. Because I'm asking you a very reasonable question. Where is the car?

I don't know. If you want to know where my car is, please ring my dentist. He'll tell you. Honestly, that's what I end up saying. Yeah, that's the best line. I go, I don't know. I know I was 400 metres from my dentist. And they go, well, what's your dentist?

And I go, I don't know. I don't know the name. You are fucking kidding. That's what you're fucking lying about, Cone. Meanwhile, you've still got a face half full of a dry muffin just eating. This fucking tow truck guy has to Google fucking dentist's temple stove. Well, that's right. He was sort of like, fuck, I can't believe I have to Google this.

What's the name? And then I'm like, I don't know what the name is either. Oh, my God. So then he goes. What's the equivalent, Brett? Like if this was a restaurant, it's like, you know, they'd spit in your food. What are they doing to Carl's car?

Like fucking jizzing the tailpipe or something? They'd probably just think it's some 78 year old war veteran who's like half naked and deluded like I don't know anything. I'm looking for a sandwich. I just want a chicken sandwich.

Can you just work five names into this story so we don't have to fucking do the other thing after this? Jesus Christ. They probably thought like you were drunk as well. I'm really late to something as well.

They're glad you're off the road. Yeah, I know. So then I'm like, fuck, what do I do? So I'm talking to the guy going, have you ever had something like this happen before? And he's like, no. No, I don't. No, I haven't.

You're talking to the tow truck guy. Yeah, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I'm like, how do I get this guy to find my car? Have you had this position happen where the guy doesn't know? Where someone has no idea where their car is and you have to guess where it is. Has anyone ever been this fucking stupid before? Have you ever met a dumb cunt like this before?

I hope you didn't say you had a child because they want to send child protective services around. Oh yeah, blanket's still in the back seat by the way. Where's my child? I left her with a dry muffin. She's fine. So I go, what am I going to do here? And he's like, I don't, I've never had this happen. I don't know what you're going to do here. And also you're like going, what do I going to do here? And he's like, I've never had this happen. I don't know what you're going to do here.

And also you're going, what do I do here? Yeah. I was lucky to remember it was Templestowe. I had to have a little trick in my head. That's on them, Carl. You've given them enough information. I told you the suburb. Two stars on Google review.

I told them the suburb. They couldn't find it. I said it was near a dentist. How much clearer can you be? How many dentists can there be in Templestowe near a dentist how much clearer can you be how many dentists can there be in Denbilstow to be fair they can't be that many

so then they go so finally the guy goes alright can you retrace your steps somehow and I'm like I would have hung up

so long ago so then I go look honestly I reckon I'm on 1% of my phone if I get on Google Maps oh my god fuck my arm my phone's on 1% do you have a If I get on Google Maps... Oh, my God. Fuck my arm.

My phone's on 1%. Do you have a charger? I'm at a train station. Can you come to me? At this point, I go into McDonald's and go... Oh, yeah.

Another treat. That's what you did. Maybe if I order some food, like I go, okay, I'll get a... So I'm on the phone to this guy. I put him on mute

for a second so I can order a double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. You go into a line, you've got the guy and you go, oh, my, I this guy. I put him on mute for a second so I can order a double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. You go into a line. You've got the guy. Oh, my. I can't.

I can't. So then I buy something. And then I think, if I buy something, maybe I can say, can I put my phone on the charger? And they go, no. We don't have any chargers. So then instead, I'm sitting at the front. And then, of course, I've got to eat my full meal while I'm on the phone with this guy. You missed last week was the charger was the Happy Meal toy.

This week, it's the hands-free car seat. So now I'm out the front of McDonald's going right. What did you order? Double cheeseburger. So I'm at the front. No pickles. I want it freshly cooked. I don't mind waiting.

I've got nowhere to be. So then I'm like, if I go into Google Maps, like I won't be able to. I don't know how to use it. Yeah, yeah. I'll be able to see it. I'll see a blue thing somewhere. I can retrace it, like, I won't be able to... I still don't know how to use it. Yeah, yeah. I'll be able to... I'll see a blue thing somewhere. No, but I can

retrace this, like, sort of. I can Google, like, Tempest Odenda, so I can... And I go... There's a word I'm dying to use

and it's almost worth getting cancelled for, honestly. It just feels so good right now. Don't worry, it's more... The word you're using is of my people,

so I can say it. I've already seen you hold yourself back at least three times in this episode from saying that word. Oh, I know. It's my favourite word. So I can say it. I've already seen you hold yourself back at least three times in this episode from saying that word. It's my favourite word. So then,

if I get onto Google Maps, it's immediately going to kill my phone. They go, it's just a risk you're going to have to take because I'm currently driving around in circles

in Templestowe looking for a car that says Gotham as a number plate and I just haven't seen it yet. They're thinking it's a practical joke because you're like, it's Gotham. Gotham's the number plate. And I just haven't seen it yet. And I'm like, okay. They're thinking it's a practical joke. Cause you're like, it's got him.

Got him as a number plate. Yeah. Another prank show. Yeah. So then I go, okay, get on Google maps. Kills the phone immediately. Like fuck. So I'm still like two, two and a half K from home.

I'm thinking there's no trams coming. I'm like, fuck, fuck. And then, so I'm sitting at the front of McDonald's. Then quite clearly, quite clearly a dumb dumb list that comes through the drive-thru. No way. And goes, hey, dickhead. And I go, hey. And then he just drives off.

I'm like, fuck, I could have got a ride with him to my house. Also, your laptop, you've got your laptop with you. Yeah. Your laptop can charge your phone. Just go to a fucking 7-Eleven, buy a cable. No, it can't. It actually can't. That's one thing.

I don't have the fucking adapter thing. That would have frustrated me even more. Yeah, yeah. So then, I go,. I actually can't. That's one thing. I don't have the fucking adapter thing. That would have frustrated me even more. Yeah, yeah. So then I go, I go, fucking hell. So then I go home, takes me another, however long it does the walk home. Have to charge the phone. Then I ring the tow truck. Oh, fuck.

I don't know how to do this. But there was a, like, I've just given up. It's that thing, you know, that clear, I feel like this is the point you get to when you're going to throw yourself off a bridge. Because I'm like, I don't have to care anymore. Like it's so, this is so fucked and out of my hands. When you're in like really bad traffic

and you're running late for something and you're really late and the traffic's just not moving and you have that moment where you're like, what if I just get out and just leave it all behind? Yes. You know,

just strip my clothes off, just fucking walk into the woods and just start fresh somewhere else. I've started. I can't do anything about this current situation. I mean, there's nothing I could physically do. It's infuriating.

Like, know how to use Google Maps, put water in my car, remember where my dentist is. There's physically nothing I could do or steps I could take to prevent this from happening. All of that,

all of that happening. I'm starting to think, oh, well, I'll just have a new car. I'll just go, I wonder if I can buy a new car today because I've just given up. So I get home...

I've left my keys in my old one. Yeah. And the Cosmos. Someone else can have it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's it. So I get home, charge the phone, ring the place, go, look, this is a weird question. Someone was trying to find my car like about 45 minutes ago.

Hey, move your phone away from the cable. Do you remember any of that sort of stuff happening? And they're like, oh, yeah. Here's all the details. They go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's still looking for it. I're like, oh, yeah. Here's all the details. They go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's still looking for it. I'm like, oh, fuck. Now I feel even worse.

This guy's just been driving around in circles for 45 minutes looking for the car. Trying to help an elderly man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes... My nan was just like this when she was in a home. Yeah, yeah, I don't mind helping. And the guy goes, we've gotten all the details off you.

We reckon we know where it is, where it was. But we reckon, is there any chance it's stolen? And I go, well, gotten all the details off you. We reckon we know where it is, where it was. But we reckon, is there any chance it's stolen? And I go, well, I don't know. They go, well, where'd you put the key? I go, under the front seat. And they go, what the fuck did you do that for? And I go, fucking Roadside Assist told me to do it. They said it was fine.

And then they go, well, I don't know. We've gone through all the details. It might be just gone. And I'm like, fuck. So then I go through. I've now got the charge so I'm going through Google Maps

and I go is it here and I give them and again this sounds made up but I give them new directions they go okay great

we know sort of vaguely where it is now you're still making it their problem like hang on go sorry cancel the tow truck driver

I will go and find it I'll go hire a car I'll get an Uber I'll get a friend to drive me around. But they're there. They're there. So then I give them the new directions and they go, right, we still can't find it. And then I realize I literally have the map sort of upside down.

Like I've got it completely wrong. I'm looking in the wrong. You've got the map upside down. I've come from the wrong. Honestly, bro. I thought I was coming from the other place. I hate you. Yeah.

I gave them the really. You hate him. Imagine the lady on the phone. No, Honestly, bro. I thought I was coming from the other place. I hate you. Yeah. I gave them the really... You hate him. Imagine the lady on the phone. No, no, no. The ROCV. No, no, they hung up. So then I had to ring back. Can we go?

Yeah. Did you say... I promise this is going to finish in a minute. I want my life back. This is worse than being waterboarded. Wait, wait. Did you actually say, sorry, I've got the map upside down

and she's just hung up on you? Man, imagine if Carl ever gets abducted and they're trying to get information out of him, like a terrorist plot. That could be over there. I don't know. If someone pitched this in the Simpsons writers' room, they'd be like, Homer's not this dumb.

We can't. This is like pushing it too far. So then I keep ringing back, and then they go. So eventually, like they won't. Are you still at the front of McDonald's? No, no, I'm home now. You're home now. You've eaten your burger though.

You've had your burger. Yeah, you don't want to get upset. I'll be stopped off for a pizza on the walkway as well. I missed out on the two sandwiches, but I got a burger. So I'm all good. As long as you're okay, Garth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a car. I can't go through the drive-thru, but I can get a burger out of the shop.

Your teeth are still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please make this story stop. It's going to stop. So then I eventually get through and they go, and I go, can I get through? I was talking to such and such. They go, oh, no, you can't talk to her.

She's killed herself. The woman literally wouldn't take my call. The other person was talking. We're trying to get her out of the jump net. She's let you come off the side of the building. This ordeal has gone for so long, she's retired now. She just said she's passed. She's cutting the retirement cake. Sorry, she can't come of the building. This ordeal has gone for so long, she's retired now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just said she's passed. She's cutting the retirement cake.

Sorry, she can't come to the phone. She's passed on a message. Passed on. Passed on. Nice. Little post-it note. It says goodbye cruel world. They passed on a message,

they flipped the map and figured out where they thought you were trying to describe it. And so they wouldn't actually talk to me, but they just wanted, yeah, they were saying they found it. There's a't actually talk to me but they just wanted... They were saying they found it. The guy who'll call, he's not helpful. It's easier.

Just do a grid pattern. Drive up and down. Temple Star, wherever the fuck it is. At this point we need to call Channel 7 and see if we can borrow the news chopper. It could be a car, a bicycle, a unicorn. We don't know what it is. They didn't think

like Silence of the Lambs, they like, instead of like getting Hannibal Lecter, they found someone severely disabled and went, what would you do

in this position? And then they found the location of the car through him. Yeah, we've sent the blue bus out to try and find. Wait,

so they found it? Yeah, they found it. And they towed it back? And they towed it back. Did they tow it back here? Did they say, where's your dad?

They towed it back? And they towed it back. Did they tow it back here? Did they say, where's your dad? They towed it back to the garage I use. And are they fixing the car? Yeah, they fixed it. And what was the actual problem? It was just out of fucking water, wasn't it? I thought that was definitely what was going to be. But now you've cooked your engine up. Yeah, I think it's cooked my engine up.

Of course. That's a new engine. Oh my god. Yeah, it's so good. Anyway, I think it's cooked my engine a little bit. Of course. Yeah. That's a new engine. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, it's so good. Anyway, speaking of running late, now I am severely running late for my next thing. You're running late, and where you're going, their parking is terrible. Get a fucking Uber for once in your life.

Get a fucking Uber. Book a fucking Uber. I'll do it now. And they've done it again. I've done it again. I've done it again. A real buzzer beater of an episode. Buzzer beater? It's in like, we'd done so much.

I think we'd hit like an hour and three minutes. And then you're like, oh, by the way, I've got a story. Oh, that's right. That's right. An absolute mammoth recording session. Yes. So that was the one about me driving to the dentist and my car blowing up. Yeah. And it is still not fully recovered.

Awesome. It is still not sounding very good at all. But we had, yeah, before we even got to that, we had Brett having his right of reply about sampang being on the wall at basement comedy club we were talking about my dutch accent work we had a lot in there a lot in there before we even got to that harebrained story yes and also i remember that was uh we had naz in being like i'll squeeze this episode in but it's got to be this long because I've got to go and record an episode of TV, of a panel show.

Yep. And then he raced off to do that and he was like running late. And he'd also asked me to help him a little bit with some stuff for it. So then I'm racing off to another, I was racing off to something as well. You were going to do Ed Cavill's podcast.

Yes. So then I'm in an uber writing stuff for naz and then and it wasn't wasn't my finest work like i didn't have heaps of time for it and uh and i do i did hear back that naz turned up late to the record and people were like what the fuck is going on we're trying to to do a TV show. It's like, oh, yes, sorry. Chandler had a fucking story about going to the dentist on a podcast. Yeah, then we had to do some bonuses with Brett. So we were going to do them straight after. So you went and did Cavs pod and then you guys came here.

Yes. This was all happening on my birthday as well. Oh, was it? I remember it being a very intense day. Yeah, it was a lot. And then I had to do filthy casuals over Zoom while Noxy was in Edinburgh. It was a hell of a day. It was a fucking jam-packed day of content.

Starting at like 9am or something and getting a real glimpse into the rat race lifestyle. Driving across town to your house in like peak hour traffic. And just going like, if I had to do this every day i'd kill myself this is hell how do people do this it was uh it was a it was a weird thing that where the highlight of my day was we had to do all that content the highlight of my day was doing calves pod and doing it with limo and then limo going oh do you want to ride and limo leaving basically next door to you and going this is amazing i'm getting a fucking ride to exactly where i need to go yep like that's that's a weird oh, do you want a ride? And Limo leaving basically next door to you and going, this is amazing. I'm getting a fucking ride to exactly where I need to go.

Like that's a weird day where you're like, I got a ride from Limo. That's the best bit of my day. But yeah, a lot of fun. A lot of fun with those boys. All right, let's move it along. Okay. Your number two episode.

Wow. Well, this will be interesting because in my head, there's two outstanding episodes for the year. And they haven't been, neither of them have been read out yet. So to me, it's got to be these two and it's got to be which order they come in. It's just a matter of which order. Well, you know what? I'll fucking tell you what order they're in.

Okay. Number two. It's a deal. 636, Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard. Wow, that's the one. It's been dethroned. I thought maybe it was number one. Yeah.

It's number two. Okay. Absolutely ran away with the vote to get to number two. To get to number two. Ran away with another episode. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It eloped.

It eloped. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Hand in hand, they broke off from the pack. Yep. Yeah, huge, huge gap between the number of votes for number three and number two. Between two and three. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.

That's it. A landslide. A lot of comments and questions and queries on social media, despite the fact we tried to say, to explain things and give a warning up the top and off the back. Yep. Well, let's listen to it. Here it is, your number two. You're here in Melbourne.

You got here yesterday from Adelaide. How many smooth sailing getting over here? All okay? I was on Jetstar. Infuriating. Yep. That was okay? How many flights do you think I missed before I got the one that got me here?

Well, let's pretend you're normal. One. One flight. Let's go around the horn. Wait, wait, wait. Let's go around the horn and all guess the number. Okay. Yes.

I reckon you missed three. You can't miss... I would say two. You can't... First flight was at 8am, right? Okay. Right. Okay.

You say one. Locking in one. I'm locking in three. I'll say two. I'll say two. You can't. First flight was at 8am, right? Okay. Right. Okay, you say one. Locking in one. I'm locking in three. I'll say two. I'll go ten. I think you should win because it's four. Oh, okay. You missed.

I missed four. Okay, so talk me through how you missed four. So the 8am, where are you? This is an 8am flight. Where are you at 8am yesterday? Where physically are you? At the airport. You're at the airport and you still missed...

And there's still three flights to go. I didn't say any of this was my fault. This could be one of Mrs O'Loughlin's long... It happened to me stories. I'm not a victim of this. So 8am, you've missed your first set of four flights. I'm thinking you're asleep in bed at this point. You're not.

You're at the airport where the planes are. Yes. And you've still missed that one. Yes. Okay, next flight. Next flight. I mean, you're at the airport now. The hard work's done.

I've missed that flight. Are you in the gift shop at this point? No, no. I've missed that flight because I've got lots to do. I don't have a hotel organised in Melbourne and I'm a little bit pissed off that people put a 60-year-old lady on a Jetstar flight for a gig at night.

Don't do that to me. We'll just be... Anyway. You're boycotting the flight in protest. He said, I'm not getting on this The logic was I don't even have a holiday in Melbourne A hotel in Melbourne How dare you put me on one Jetstar flight

I have no idea what this is I need four Jetstar flights Hold it right there young man I'll stop you there I'll have to stop you there Carl This is like jazz No I knew I wanted I hate it

I also had infuriating left This is like jazz. No, I knew I wanted... You mean that I hate it? I also had infuriating left my weed behind, and I really wanted that because I packed it nicely in a little... I take it across border lines in, what do you call it? Dead tubes, like Barocca. Right. Not taking weed on the flight is the first sensible thing that's happened in this movie. Right, Yeah. Yeah.

We can use that bit. Keep this as part of the plan next time. We have plenty of time. Then I get home. Hang on. You get home? No. You're still at the airport.

I'm in Adelaide. I live in Adelaide, right? Hang on. So you missed the... I make sure I get a later flight. Are there any later flights, I say? Okay. So you missed the ADM.

She's not any race that will be offensive to you when I do her voice. She's just a regular white. You missed the 8am flight, so you go home. You go home

after that, right? That's right. I haven't secured myself of a 1.30 flight. Right. Okay, so 1.30 is the second

flight. We're ready. That's the second flight. That's number two flight for the day. So then... Did you say, is there a later flight, I've got to go home and get my marijuana? So 1.30 is the second flight. Ready. We're ready, baby. That's the second flight. That's number two flight for the day. Yes.

So then. Did you say, is there a later flight? I've got to go home and get my marijuana and come back to the airport? Everything but the bit about the marijuana. Oh, okay. Right. So then you come back. Now, 1.30.

Now, I'm reading ahead. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. Sorry. So much fun is happening between you. It's like five hours to go. Yeah, sorry. I think I'm on a bus.

I have to catch a bus because I'm still poor you know that lady uh stole all my money anyway i i'm on a bus oh coach oh no not coach like i'm catching commuter buses which is yeah yeah it's fine it isn't um in adelaide there no buses are the worst form of transport there are yeah but the bus is pretty bad yeah anyway i said is this bus going past my my bus goes straight past my house pretty cool uh it's a consolation prize and all i have to do is pretend i'm over 60 and i don't have to pay right and guess what they never fucking question that do they so I get on the bus and I get three miles from my house where the bus driver says, I didn't say I'm going to

drop you at your front door, lady. It's Otto the bus driver. From the Simpsons. So this is on your way back from the airport. Yeah, this is on my way home to get my dope and my stomach meds.

Never forget, I have a hole in my stomach the size of a dinner plate. Right. From 70 panophen plus a day. Okay. Back in the early 2000s. Tommy, are you keeping up? I'm keeping up. Just.

Yeah. And that every now and then blows. Right. And so I've got to have these meds. Yep. So both reasons. Right. And so I've got to have these meds. Yep. So both reasons. Right. And anyway, I find myself three miles from my house and time's ticking.

It takes a long time to catch a bus. So you're on foot and you've got your luggage and whatever. You've got to get home. And my phone goes dead. I've rung the taxi company. Right. And I said, this is an emergency. Can you please send to blah, blah, blah.

Yep. I didn't know the suburb. You know how many, Adelaide is a great city, but there are too many cunts there, and that's the only problem with Adelaide, and I swear to God, as soon as they die... I'm getting that impression. So it's someone else's fault to confirm.

It's someone else's fault that you don't know where you live. Is that what's happening here? It wasn't where I lived. It was where a bus driver dropped me. Oh, okay. And I'm old, I beg your pardon. Okay, sorry. Right.

So you didn't know where you were. With a brain injury. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. And neurodiversity. Yeah, yeah. And remember, Carl, she hasn't had her weed today. So she's not thinking clearly.

Do you know, actually, it is medicine for me. I always feel a lot better when I rub one out, so maybe that's what's happening. Sometimes you can't think properly until you do. Empty that sack and maybe it'll all come crystal clear. I've had an argument with... I'm going off, no, not November. I reckon we need to launch come heaps QA.

How ironic that the bus driver dropped you off early and you had to finish yourself off to get home. No, and the taxi company in Adelaide hate me and we've had a ongoing feud, and they've got a mark against my name, so I don't usually use my car. Which I 100% believe is their fault. Don't even tell me the back story, Fiona.

I'm already on your side. They won't send it until you tell them the suburb. I'm like, I said 79 Kensington Road, Adelaide. We're not in fucking New York. I would have thought that's more in your capabilities than mine to find my suburb. Getting a black mark from the cabs in this day and age is really impressive. They're up against Uber.

They need all the business they can get. But I also do like the argument against the cab company. They won't even send a cab until I tell them where I am. What business is it of yours? Are you a cop? Oh, don't get me started. It's going to be in another data leak, isn't it? Start the engine

and when I feel like you're close, I'll yell out. I'd like to book a jet star, five leaves. Which airport? Whoa, whoa, whoa. But you see, it sounds like that. Big plane. Settle down. You know what I'm saying, don't you? Settle down, Mr. Assange. So now I'm in the back of people's backyards on Kensington Road.

Hang on. You're in someone's backyard. Because I said to the cab driver, please send a cab. My phone's about to die. Right. Okay. Terrible situation. It's actually a small island off of Tahiti coastline in the broader global map of my

disaster. It's a fucking nice morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of an anecdote for your silly podcast. Right. Now forget about it by lunchtime. Yeah, so as this is all happening, this is barely registering, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a flat phone in your life is like fucking hell. It's actually like quite a nice birthday cake. It's the highlight of your day. Still got the phone. Hey, Anna's got a happy ending. I'm alive. What do you know about happy endings? I also just remembered there's three flights to go.

I was rushing ahead trying to talk about flight number two. Carl, flip those notes up. This is my future except I'm in a bed and no, I'm in a bed and that's my grandson. How wonderful, just telling stories to the young. Yes.

Anyway. This is like a bedtime story. So I finally find a... Deathbed story. I find an outlet to a power... In someone's backyard. Yes. I must. I'm a power... In someone's backyard. Yes. I must.

I'm a solution-focused person. You just let yourself into the backyard? I walked in. Didn't have a fence. Well, that's what let yourself in means. I'm not athletic. Very trusting in Adelaide. Right, okay.

But I'm not an animal. It's good that you're solution-focused because you're also a problem generator. It's really helpful. It's like a you're solution-focused because you're also a problem generator. It's really helpful. The snake eating itself. You're like a self-sourcing pudding. Do you know that? And people say, oh, it's so annoying.

Try being with me, being me. No, I can't go, oh, bye, Fiona. I just can't do it for another day. Sure, yeah, yeah. I have to take this with me. Well, to other people, they're probably, you're like the eye of the hurricane. It's all quite calm in there.

Everyone else is like in the hurricane around you. So you're probably quite nice. Because for me, it's like, oh, I've been to bigger shows than this. Yeah, you trust that it's going to be okay. You're sitting in the middle of the hurricane going, this is all nice and quiet. What the fuck are you twirling around in circles?

That's because people should get out more. Okay, so you found an outlet in the backyard. You're in a backyard. You're in a backyard. You found one of those very common backyard power points. I know, but it's in, you know. Have you stuck your phone in a rose bush? You said, what's happening?

You're unplugging some fairy lights or something. Yeah, yeah. Don't, you know. Have you stuck your phone in a rose bush? You say, what's happening? You're unplugging some fairy lights or something. Yeah, yeah. Don't go off track. I'm sorry. You're talking to yourself, right? Sybil, don't talk to the people. I've got a bit of charge.

I walked here and I, for an hour, I thought about what I was going to talk about on this podcast, by the way. You guys, the recorders wrapped the mic cord around its neck and it's trying to kill itself. So you're in the backyard. You're building up. You're charging the phone in some stranger's backyard. Not for long. It's a quick charge. You're back online. All I need to do is tell the taxi

people not to fuck with me like that. Come and pick me up. But stay calm so they don't not come. Come and pick me up. Where are calm so they don't not come. Come and pick me up. Where are you? In a backyard. Quick. No, I said, are you coming? She said, no.

You are not. I wanted to kill her. And then you have to be calm. And she's got this, I can't say it. Cool. I know who she is. I can hear it. I can't say it.

Cool. I know who she is. I can hear it. Okay. So, all of a sudden, two lovely women out of town. Nice-looking, my age women in a hatchback say, Do you need help? Yes. Oh, my God.

Took me home. Yeah. Yeah. And then, I really want to say something wrong. I won't. I've seen a few movies that start this way. Yes, that's right. I think I know what's coming up, guys.

Oh, this is when the first orgasm happened. Great. They rolled me around the oval. They came over and cleaned your pool right up. The nearby private school. Rimmed me or whatever it is. But they were polite. Whatever it is.

Whatever it is. Whatever you, whatever you, you sexual people do. Getting rimmed or whatever. Gave me some wet wines and dropped me home. Gave you a wet wine. Anyway. Now I can smell burning. Can anyone else?

I fucking don't. I'm worried about myself at this point. Can you smell someone else's stroke? Is that a possible thing or can you only smell your own? I've just moved into a granny flat a bit before time. Underneath, my friend Cass. Do you remember Cass and Brian who used to run Tuxedo Cat? Oh, yeah.

Yes. Okay. So I'm in an arty kind of hob. I hang out with a lot of artists and musicians. I don't know what I'm doing right now, but anyway. I'll stop doing it. So we live together and it's cool. And Kaz and I rent mansions.

Not more than one at a time. But you pool your resources. Older women who've been discarded, such as I, and other women. 900 buck house for 450 each, and we've got a pool. Oh, yeah, nice. Servant. Nice little community there. Anyway, so I'm in this gorgeous thing down the street.

It's Granny Flat. And I get to the door of Granny Flat. And as I have done, I think 40 times in three years, had an attack of the gastric ulcer. Yeah. Where I usually, until 2020 I found out what it was, go to hospital in an ambulance again. What?

Yes. So I haven't, the attacks are brutal and I am out like, but I can get through. I've learned how to get through them with this. I've got a mind like a steel trap. Don't you think? That would be my epitaph. So wait, you go to hospital this time? No, I don't have to.

Oh, you've learned how to kind of power through. I know what to do. Okay, right, right, right. What you have to do is not catastrophize it. Okay? You have to meditate your way through it. You also have to call for help. Gas, gas.

You just can't move. I also imagine some of the other medicine you're looking for probably helps you through it as well. No. Oh, probably not good for it. No? No. The penicillin, I don't know. The chuff, I don't think it matters.

No? Not after what I've done to myself. Okay. Anyway, where was I've done to myself. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Your mind is a steel trap. I call out to Cass. Full of dead things. Because, you see, half the population, not half the population,

I cannot afford to miss a gig. I cannot afford to miss no more chances yeah and there's like everyone you've got to do your job look I only got

715 chances okay yeah we've all said 716 that's the end of it no but you see people

are you and Fleety competing for chances oh fuck him and fuck you people are helping themselves to chances Are you and Fleety competing for chances? Oh, fuck him and fuck you. People are helping themselves to chances that I don't even need, if that makes sense. So I'm in deficit of chances because idiots need my chances.

You're trading chances. Yes, I'm not letting this happen. So I was like a soldier and Cass couldn't believe it. I had not been congratulated like I was by her. And I said, we can do this. But she'd booked me a 2.30 flight. I said, I won't make the 1.30. We're going to make the 2. Right.

So we're not even trying for flight number two at this point. We're trying for flight number three. But I'm not superhuman, Cass. Right. But I'm not superhuman, Carl. So I lay there and I said to Cass, if I just have 15 minutes to meditate my way. Anyway, it worked. Yep. Okay. But it took three hours.

Get to the airport. And so those two flights weren't very exciting, were they? They just went doot, doot, missed. Okay. You weren't even in the airport for them. I'm like the first one. Cass says there's a flight there for $270 for Jetstar. Yeah.

Now I'm getting a bit old and cross, okay? Because I've got a very bad temper since I take my decks. I guess I come down at 5 o'clock and look out for half an hour. But I fucking, I enjoy it. Like ripping someone, I love it because people are stupid. And I've been too agreeable my whole life. Anyway, I don't want to give Jetstar another $270 fucking dollars because they've had enough of me.

I've had to pay $70 each time I miss the flight. Rules are rules, okay? And this woman at the desk said, I said, why am I paying you $270 when I just had to pay two lots of 70? And she said, well, if you miss a flight three times, the fourth flight you pay. Yeah, she does sound like a fucking idiot.

Exactly, because... That is an interesting rule. No, because she's presuming... I reckon they've only made this rule up for you. I think this is the O'Loughlin rule. I don't think that's ever come into place with anyone else. Well, my mind kind of farted.

It was like... And I said, what are you talking... I said, if someone has missed four flights in a day, don't you think their day's been grief-stricken enough that you think it's a good time to

slog them $270 and then I burst into tears. I can do that like that. Oh, sure. I mean, it is good logic. It's like you've already gotten so much money out of me today. Like, come on.

Just a gimme. Because who said? Yeah. So you get on flight four. I get on flight four. So you end up having to pay for it or the waterworks work? No, flight four. I get on flight four. But what, like, so you end up having to pay for it? Or the waterworks work? No, flight four.

No, I got it for free. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, wow. Nice. Yes. I didn't even have to pay the 70. Oh, wow. Just the waterworks and the, don't you know who I am?

Didn't do. Because I don't. Didn't do. No, I'm asking. I didn't do that. I'm genuinely asking. Do you have my driver's license or passport? Can you tell me who I am?

I forgot. I think it's in a backyard with my phone charger. Where am I? And the other time I got that cross was, yeah, the policeman. The policeman who said, I don't like this either. Can you give me a reason why I pulled you over and followed you for... Yes, of course I could. And I said, but I'm not going to.

Like, am I getting let off or am I getting a fine? And he said, no, you're getting a fine. And I said, well, I love being 60 so much. I said, well, then I'm going to pass on the lecture, thanks, because you don't get to have it both ways. And that's a fair call. Okay. All right.

So we've learned how to deal with the cops. We've learned how to deal with the airlines. So, okay. Free flight, if you have some sort of mental breakdown at the end of the day. So then that was flight number five that you actually got on. Is that right? Yeah, it was. Flight five. Oh, okay. Nice. Oh, but on that flight this is where I was heading.

Yes. To Melbourne, Fiona. You were heading to Melbourne. Hang on, hang on. You're reading ahead. We haven't asked whether the fifth flight actually got you to Melbourne. Adelaide, Fiji, Melbourne. That classic stopover.

No, the flight was hijacked. Why did this cost $280? Because you were going to LA. The Dum Dum Club relocated to Honolulu. I was musing on that subject. I sent you a text about entitlement of a generation of a particular sex. Okay. I was hoping we'd get to one of the other subjects rather than that one

because that sounds like more of a waste. But, yeah. And it's not boys. There's a real problem with girls. Okay. It's just like I'm on the committee, you see. I feel I am a part of

the world. I speak for old people. I've appointed myself like the Jordan Pierce. Carl, write this 30,

35 minutes, nine seconds. Can we bookmark this bit and can I just ask you about Jetstar first? My portal being a crazy grandmother, I want to tell

these fuckers what's what in many ways and this generation of 30 year olds who entitle their way, this girl, I was like,

why do they not go, so, she gives me a cup of coffee, I go to pay with my phone. Is this on the plane? Yeah. I hadn't had a coffee all day, that's all I wanted

was a coffee. She gives me a cup. my phone died as the oh yep yep i love the future i say that 400 times a day yeah and i went to pay for the coffee and it went and she said you and she said to me do you have don't you have like a normal card? And I said, no. I mean, I've lost that 100 years ago. And I used this. And she took the coffee away. The coffee was on my tray table.

Confiscated it. Oh, she took it away. She took the coffee away. I'm like, where does this? That's just not okay on any level. So what should happen is you should just get a free coffee. Is that what you're saying? I don't know what I'm saying.

I guess if you paid all those $70 fees or whatever it is, I guess just give me a coffee. I'm in that mind... I understand that mindset of like, yeah, I don't know what I think should happen, but it's not this. I don't want this to be happening right now. I don't know what the other answer is. Were you saying about this podcast at the moment, this episode?

Yeah, yeah. What were you guys talking about? I could be at home packing. No, but it's also a bit like you just got, I'm going to try and name a car, a yellow Datsun. I don't even yellow Datsuns anymore. And try and name a car, a yellow Datsun. I don't even yellow Datsuns anymore. And that's all you see is a yellow Datsun. So at the moment

I am a bit obsessed with what I'm looking at. And I think I'm looking at something not wicked. Tom, you've got a book out. But fucking close. Yeah, it's about how old boomers

don't deserve free coffees. And they've done it again. Oh, well, there was number two. There was some

number two in there as well. That's the one I was referring to earlier when I said absolutely nothing to hang your hat on in

that one. Well. Other than an overall. Yes. The owner goes mental. I was referring to earlier when I said absolutely nothing to hang your hat on in that one. Other than an overall the owner goes mental. Yes, well, I'm sure there'll be something in there. But said with the confidence of a man who is not involved in the editing process at all. I think that might be the shortest

turnaround of an episode making the top five. Well, that's also like an example of what we were saying before. You put the voting out and it's like, you know, in an election, if there's two candidates and one's, you know, killed someone the day before, probably not going to get as many votes. If the other candidate killed someone a year ago, people probably go, eh, it was a year ago.

Who cares? You know? Yeah. I think that may have been true in the past, but then there was a US election where the week before there was a tape of one of the candidates talking about grabbing women on the pussy and it did nothing to affect him. I get what you're saying,

but I think we live in times where it's like that probably would push that person over the edge into victory with a lot of people. And that's what this episode is. it's a guy that murdered someone yes someone yeah something's dead anyway something smells like it's dead um because we did that one nearly a week before we put it up so it was like a rare one where we're well ahead and it's you know you know it's going to be you're just sitting on it for a week going like, God, what are people going to make of this?

I was excited. I was excited to get it out there and see the response. Yes. A lot of response, a lot of – Mostly positive. A lot of positive and some questioning. Fair enough. You know, whatever.

You can enjoy something. You can be worried for someone. You can have questions. You can be happy, whatever. It's good. A lot of different emotions. Well, you know what's interesting? I really do believe that it's like you kind of create that opinion in people.

So it's like we put the ep out and we're like, you know, what do you think? And then, of course, because you've invited it, that kind of puts it in people's heads of like, maybe I did hate this. And nowhere is this more true than at the start of this year, you and I did an episode that we genuinely think was one of the worst experiences we've ever had recording the podcast. And when we put it out, we went, let's just not go fishing. Let's not do the whole, what do you think? And no one commented on it. You know what I mean? Do you know who I'm talking about?

No. We had two guests on for a change. Yeah. Oh, the giveaway. We recorded it. Oh, yes. Not at either of our houses. I do.

I do remember. I remember. We didn't record it at either of our houses. I remember. And we both walked away going, that was a truly horrific experience. Yes. And it was like, you know what? Let's not do the whole, you know what let's not do the whole you know let's not let's not give people let's not ask people what they think or do any of

that let's just say mom and see what happens yes and then you just get a ton of people going great boys yeah yeah no one notices unless you like plant the seed yes people like don't so i wonder if we had to just put the fiona rep out and just been like there you go i mean we probably still would have gotten a couple but i think there definitely are people that are like oh okay you want to know what i think yeah yeah well i guess i did hate it yeah yeah i do remember what that episode was now and i i dare say i've i mean i don't know what maybe some people can go looking i don't know if we i don't know if we've said this before but i'm pretty keen to not have it happen again. Yeah.

No, me too. Yeah. Oh, do I? Hmm. Am I keen to have an experience where I feel like complete shit after it again? No, no, no. I don't mean. I don't mean. No, I know.

My plan is not to have a bad episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My plan is not to have those ingredients happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we won't say what one it was. But, you know, if you're interested in maybe doing a little detective work. Next week, let's do the worst episode of 2022. We'll vote.

Yeah. Me and you, just a two-person ballot. Well, you know, like I'm saying, it didn't get a negative response or anything online because we didn't invite it. But it also didn't make the top ten, so I feel very vindicated by that. Right.

Well, you say the top ten, so maybe this is a good little moment to mention this. We're about to do number one, unveil the number one. Well, people know what it is. Well, it's pretty obvious. It's obvious, yeah. But what do you do? We'll go through with the motions.

We'll let you know what it is. But if you sign up to Patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, which we're not doing a Talking Dum-Dum this week. You'll have noticed this when you download it. It's not a 3,000-hour podcast this week. It's just an hour or hour plus or whatever it is. Well, no, I'm going to put – the clips are just going to be the entire episode. Oh, right.

So this episode – including Talking Dum-Dum. So it's a six-hour show. So this episode will be like 12 hours. Right, right, right. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. So if you sign up to that, we are going to count down six through ten. Yeah. On a bonus episode coming up.

So apart from the fact that there's heaps of great bonus episodes all the time, we're recording a few more today, you can find out what did miss out on the top five. Yeah. See if the episode you voted for... It would be better sizzle to do it the other way around. Oh, yeah. Make six to ten public and the top

five behind the paywall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you like a clip show you can get another one. Yeah. You can get another

one apart from all the original content and what a beautiful time of year to listen to a little Dum Dum Club on the beach. Yeah.

Or you know if you're in England in the snow. When you're in England, in the snow. When you're lying out there with the snow blanket, trying to get the opposite of a tan on the ground. Yep. Just by the side of the Thames. Or you could be on one of those fucked up beaches that are just all rocks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is lovely, isn't it? It's so dumb. I love getting to the beach. It's just wonderful this time of year. Did you go to the beach in Italy when you went? On my honeymoon, we went to like, you know, like, oh, go to this place. It's like the best.

This is the best place. It was chockers. It was heaps and heaps of fucking tourists there. And it's like, yeah, hang out on the beach. It's like cool on the black rocks of the beach. Yeah, and fucking great. Glad I traveled around the fucking world for this. Yeah.

No, I didn't go to any beaches. I think the towns where I were like on the water, but not like didn't really have beachfront. I don't think it was all, it wasn't quite hot enough to get in the water or anything. Oh, it was very, look, to be fair, it was very nice weather. It was great.

Everything was great apart from the fact there were black rocks on the beach. Yeah. And I didn't want to be on them. Anyway, number one the beach. Yeah. And I didn't want to be on them. Anyway, number one, Italy. Yeah. Number one worst sandcastle making place, wherever the fuck I was in Italy. Yeah.

Well, all right. Let's round it out. Here we go. Your number one episode of 2022. The episode that we did with Tom Ballard. The one that we did straight after what was number two,

the Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard one. We had a lot of feedback. Tom Ballard didn't talk enough and we felt... Couldn't get a word in. We felt guilty. Yeah.

He had a book to promote. We thought we'll invite him back the next week, as you know. Yep. Just him, just him by himself. There was so much feedback

from the Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard episode. We thought, this is going to be the most popular episode of the year. We've got to strike while the iron's hot. Yeah, and we thought this would be the clear number one. But then, fuck me dead if we didn't do it again. Back to back, the most popular episodes. You like this one even better than make-up episodes for Tom Ballard,

where he finally got to come in and have you say, it's number one, let's listen to one of the best bits from it now. Oh, God. Oh, Tom, that might be the funniest thing that anyone's ever said on the show. That's classic ballad. I'll tell you what that is. That is unbelievable. Where were you last week?

You should have said that last week. Oh, God. I really hope that this makes the top five at the end of the year because that clip will just be perfect in the best of. I think I'm voting for this. I don't know if we've talked about this yet, but we'll have a best of at the end of the year. If people don't vote off the back of...

Anyway. I almost want to get him to tell it again. It's that funny. But we're getting towards the end of the episode, and I did have a story. A few things happened to me very, very recently. Oh, sure, sure. Tom, I know you've got the book to promote,

and we will get to that. But first of all, I think I... I'd like to get a word in this one. I've barely got a word in this one. Yeah, Carl, you were sizzling this up to me on the way here. You were like, I've got an absolute barn burner of a story. Let's not do that. Let's not say that.

You know what I did do on the way here, actually, is I saw a... You know, you can't do this, right? You can't go around and impersonate another car. As in, like, you can't go around and drive a fire engine around and just be like, Oh, this is my car. A fire engine. You can't do that., this is my car, a fire engine. You can't do that. That's not legal.

What do you think, Tom? Shut up. Anyway. Anyway, the adults are talking. What I saw just before was a car impersonating a police car. Oh, I've seen that car. Have you seen it? I've seen this.

Do you mean like, wait. Yes. Yeah, you go on. It you seen it? I've seen this. Do you mean like, wait. Yeah, you go on. Yep. It's from my homeland. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. I've seen that car.

Yes. It's an Italian police car. It's so weird, isn't it? Yeah. I've been meaning to bring this up, but I don't know. I feel like it's so busy. Tom, shut up. Yeah, yeah.

Look, this is not for you. This is Daslo. It's your culture. I'm sorry. I thought this was perfect for you. This is Daslo. It's your culture. I thought this was perfect for you. For you to finally get a go. I'm sorry that you haven't seen the Italian police car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always parked near my house and you're feeling left out.

This is relatable for me and you. We've actually seen it. Polizia. Yes. Polizia. So it's got that written on the side. Is it a Fiat or is it a BMW? Did you see this driving around or did you see it parked?

No, I saw it driving around. Oh, okay. Because I know where it lives. Oh, right. And it's also, it's on the route where I walk my dog. So I see it all the time. Right, right, right. So I reckon I could probably narrow down where this person actually lives.

I probably could go knock on their door and just be like. And ask them. What the fuck? I mean, I guess if you painted a a car if you painted a car up like it was and like a melbourne police car like if you painted it up like it's a police car from the city that you're currently yes i imagine you can get in a lot of trouble for that yes but because it's like from the other side of the world yeah somehow that's allowed i know that's what i mean it's weird isn't that weird so it's like it could possibly be. You know what?

Like when you go to Tasmania from Melbourne, you could drive your car under the spirit of Tasmania and then drive your car over in Tasmania. Has someone got on the spirit of fucking Melbourne from Naples and driven their cop car all the way over here? I mean, yeah. Like I said, maybe this can be something to follow up on in the new year. Maybe you and I, we go and we just stake out the car.

We just take some deck chairs. We stake out the police. Yeah. We just sit there. Who polices the police? Yeah. Who polizias the polizia? The polizia.

And we just wait for that person to come to their car. And then we go car and affair style. We gotcha them. We're like, hey, look, we're not that we're not the police we're not like we're not the australian version of your car yeah but we just want to know what the fuck is going on yeah yeah are you just a big fan can we just have a great experience with the cops when you're in italy were you a cop over there yeah you got fired yeah like fuck i really love the car i really love driving around

in the car but i'm not allowed to because you know it's illegal to do that however i found the loophole you're allowed to drive around in an italian police car as long as you're not in italy so i'm gonna move to melbourne i wonder get away with doing it there i wonder how many people if there's ever been like a like an italian immigrant like walking you know walking down the street yes and they see that car and they just kind of like momentarily forget where they are yeah maybe they were maybe they moved here because they're on the run from the law exactly someone that's on the run here and they think fuck we've moved here i'm a million miles away i'll never get caught for stealing that pasta uh that time over in Lazio.

Yeah. I'm jealous that you saw it driving around. Yeah. Because I've only ever seen it stationary. I'd love to know, did you get a good look at the driver? No. Was there any indication of where they were going or where they'd been? Well, they were coming...

Like on street? Yeah, yeah. They heard about... They got a call about some illegal cannelloni up there, and they've gone up to answer an APB. Yeah, yeah. All points bulletin. Yeah, all points ballona.

Yeah. No, but you'll know that. We've got to drive somewhere after this. I'll take you on a detour. Okay. I'll show you where the car lives. All right. If they live in a mock-up of an Italian police station,

that's going to be insane. It's like a fake coliseum. We got to get a photo. We got to drive over and get a photo with it. I want to know the story. I actually want to know... Take the cover photo for this episode. Tom, you can't be in the photo.

You could be in the photo if you had anything to fucking say about it, but so far... This is good stuff. How can you not be riffing on this? This is... Oh, sorry it's not about the fucking greens or whatever. Like, sorry it's not political.

Oh, okay. This is about the real... An Italian baby boomer owns that car. Are you happy now? Yuck. Now you're involved. Oh, yeah. There's a bit of pollution coming out the back of the car.

Okay. You can have your say in a minute. So it's got police here out the back of the car. Okay, you can have your say in a minute. So it's got police here on the side of it, and it's also got it as a number plate. Your set-up to this was, I've got this one small thing that's probably not much. Never could you have imagined that we would be talking about a car for so long.

Yeah, and again, I mean, that funny thing that Bella did say before, I thought this episode was already going to be number one now. Now that we've got this hot rig. Now we've got this is beyond number one. What an insane coincidence that two people can have seen the same car in the same city. What? This is insane. Oh, I've got goosebumps. This is insane.

I've seen the same car that lives near your house that you live in, that you walk around and see cars at all the time. Exactly. You've never seen it parked, and I've never seen it driving. But between the two of us, we've seen it in 100% of its possible forms. Yeah. In 100% of its speeds, on and off. It's sick.

I might just do my – I might paint the Kia Sportage up like a Greek ambulance. Yeah, yeah. the Kia Sportage up like a Greek ambulance. Yeah, yeah. Because it's got the number plate of police here as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know what? It has to just be an enthusiasm.

Is it like, you know, here? It's cosplay, isn't it? Well, yeah, I guess. It's vehicular cosplay. Yeah, but imagine being here in Australia and going like, oh, yeah, I'm just a big fan Of the police I'm gonna drink like Nearly everyone would go The police are fucking dogs Is it different it can't be

It can't be different in Italy I can't imagine The police are like less corrupt in somewhere Like Italy yeah no But that's like why Has this person done like Why are they dressing their car up like the police? You know what I mean? Like, I don't, it doesn't make any sense.

It's like, you know, maybe American police is cool because it's in movies and stuff. Yeah. But, yeah. I wonder if this is one of those, like, local institution things where, you know, every now and then we'll talk about something and, like, and then people, you know, people listening live in the area and they actually know the backstory or they've seen it or whatever. We have police listeners. Yeah. So police listeners. Well, we have police listeners, but to the best of my knowledge, we don't have any police listeners.

No, no, no. But that's what I mean. So the Australian police, what's your thought on this guy driving around? Driving around in an Italian police car. Yes. Is this legal? A, is this legal? B, if it is legal, what's your thoughts on it?

I don't even really care if it's legal or not. I'm just more interested in what's the psychology? Yeah. But it does feel like we could potentially be doing, you know that guy that's always carrying around the big carrot that he's made? Yes. It's potentially like we're going like, saw this guy with a massive carrot. What's made yes the big it's it's kind of it's potentially like we're going like saw this guy with a massive carrot what's going and then everyone listening would just go yeah it's the cat it's the carrot guy i'll tell you what local institution maybe he's because he lives

around here you know what it is maybe this is an extended stakeout maybe this is a whole the only reason he's here because he's not only is he the ital police, he's the Italian police, as in he's policing the Italians and he's staking out you. Yeah, yeah. Because you've got Tommy Daslow and he's got the call in going, I think there's counterfeit Italians in this area. Oh, I thought you meant I was going to be extradited back to Italy.

No, there's counterfeit Italians. Unpaid parking fines in Melbourne and they ship me over to Naples. No, you're a counterfeit Italian. Yeah, yeah, okay. We're busting an illegal Dago ring. Yeah, any moment there's going to be a big old greasy knock on the door and you're going to get pulled out here by the collar.

A weird sounding knock, almost like the knuckles can't get any purchase on the wood because they're just sliding off every time they try to hit the wood. All right. All right. Okay. You've been biting your lip. We've had all this fun.

So once again- It seems crazy to me that you wouldn't be interjecting. Like there's so much potential for riffing here. We've had fun. All right. Sorry. We've been talking over the top. You have your say, Bella.

Yeah. Okay. Give us a- What's the book about? Give us this feel. What's your hot take on what we're talking about? Oh. Hang on.

Is it? Hang on. The mic's... Oh, no, hang on. Guys, I'm sorry. That's very funny, Bella. The mic's not working. Oh, you didn't...

Oh, they didn't hear that. The dog chewed through the cord of the mic. Oh, fuck. And I don't have any others. That was great. Yeah. Hang on. That was... Oh, you don't have any more mic. And I don't have any others. That was great. Yeah. Hang on. Oh, you don't have any more?

Okay. I don't have any cords. I guess we could just give him one of our mics. I'll give him my mic. I'll give him my mic. Sure. Oh, my fucking God. You can't say that.

I think we're going to have to edit all of that out, Bal. We can't. We're going to have to cut all of that out. You cannot say that. We can't. I know it's just a podcast. It's not fucking tonightly. We're going to have so much cut out of this episode. You can't say that We can't. I know it's just a podcast. It's not fucking tonight, Lee. We're going to have so much

cut out of this episode. You can't say that. Carl, I think we're going to have... We've been talking about like ethnicity, but you can't go that far. No, no. I think once Tom leaves,

you and I are going to have to talk about the Italian police car for another like 20 minutes just to pad out the episode. Fuck me. We're going to be left with nothing. Don't you want to... I mean, we can't get cancelled.

We've got nothing to get cancelled. You've got a career. You can't be saying stuff about people from other countries like that. That is... Yeah, I mean, this now, this episode was well on its way to being in the top five at the end of the year, but with garbage like this, I think we're seriously jeopardising its chances. Don't grab my mic. You've got one more thing to say.

We don't want to hear it. Oh, my God. Tom. Bleep that out, please. Yeah've got one more thing to say. We don't want to hear it. Oh, my God. Tom. Bleep that out, please. Yeah, yeah. I think it came pre-bleeped. That's all I heard is he said it. And there you have it.

They truly have done it again what an ep the number one as voted by you you the listener not you the watcher no not you the smeller

nah not you the what are the other toucher yep yep you the listener um

great ep thanks to thanks to Tom for coming in and I hope you didn't hope you didn't feel too hoarse the next day when he got up yeah real uh

real chatterbox. Yeah, the two weeks of rah, rah, rah. Yeah, hell of a fortnight for us. Doing two episodes that make the top five. Yeah, real hot streak there. The top two. Yeah, real hot streak that fortnight for us. Yep.

Well, there you have it, folks. The top five of 2022. Thanks for listening in 2022. We do have live shows coming up in the new year. Yep. Go to our website. We'll have maybe a bunch of cities floating around the place.

So go to littledunmanclub.com slash, I don't know, just go to the thing. Just go to the straight up, just raw dog that URL. Yes, go there. There's a button on the front page at the moment that's a little bit confusing that I've got to talk to our webmaster about.

He's put a live show button on and then it's just a picture of Nick Capper as the button on our website, which is like, I don't know, maybe there should be a picture of us to show that you're coming to see us rather than Nick Capper. But yeah, I don't know. Good to have a webmaster that just goes rogue from time to time. Keeps you on your toes.

I'm not the master of a web. What would I know? But I would have thought advertising the people who are actually going to be at the show might be a better sell. A bit controversial. Yeah. But that's me. All right, guys.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get your tickets. Thanks very much for listening. Happy New Year. And we'll see you next time. See you, mates.