The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 639 - Nazeem Hussain & Nick Cody

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

Happy New Year! We're back with great mates NAZEEM HUSSAIN and NICK CODY! Naz has gotten in trouble for hosting Christmas on TV, Cody and Chandler have met the world's most interesting KFC employee at the pub, Blanket's learned about state politics PLUS Chandler's in the nude and Tommy's a baby! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nazeem Hussain and Nick Cody. We have got some live dates coming up this very year, 2023. The dance card is filling up. We now are Adelaide. Good news everyone, it's what you wanted to hear. Adelaide, we're coming for you during the Adelaide Fringe Festival. That's right, we've got something to complain about for the next couple of months. Go to our website to find out where and when we are coming. It's only a couple of months away. It's during the Fringe Festival, so you know when that's on.

Go to the website, grab a ticket. Of course, after that, we're doing four dates in Melbourne in April. Go to our website again to deal with that. littledumbdumbclub.com for all the tickets. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Nazeem Hussain and Nick Cody. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Daslow and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chan. G'day dickhead. And joining us today, God, what can you say about this wonderful pair that hasn't already been said? Two peas in a pod. Two beautiful men. The odd couple. Established comedians and broadcasters. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nick Cody and Nazeem Hussain.

We've been really funny and then Tommy cracked the whip. Fun time's over, guys. We're doing a podcast. We're all having a laugh. The hangover's really settling in, boys. I've got to keep us moving. I said keep it, keep it. But he selected all and deleted.

Idiot. What? What? Were you talking about the chat we had before? Yeah, that didn't get recorded. Don't worry. No, but I was like, keep it in. And he's like, no, man.

I'm scared of my reputation. You were saying you were pro-blackface, though. See? And context is everything. I'm pro-blackfaces. Right. Oh, sure, sure. That makes sense. Well, we're in my house. I'm pro black faces Right Oh sure Sure

That makes sense Well we're in We're in my house This is a rare recording In my house And we're in My little street here We just

A couple of weeks ago We had the election State election And Yeah I've gone political This is Tom Ballard's Are you compensating

For his lack of presence In the other episode No He's got plenty of presence. He's fat. Jesus. Did you not know? Oh, sorry, man. You just offended Nick.

Why did I offend Nick? And Christmas is on Nazeem Hussain. He hosts Christmas now. Oh, my God. You sellout. I'm with everybody. I'm being attacked by Christians at the moment. Oh, my God. You sell out. I'm a bloody, you know, I'm with everybody, you know. I'm being attacked by Christians at the moment. I made a joke.

Oh, no. Hosting Christmas. I hosted a Christmas show, and in the first minute, I said something about, you know, I love Jesus, you know. Jesus, let me tell you about him. He's a humble trader. He was a carpenter. He had a single mum.

And then, anyway, I went on about Jesus. But all these Christians were Christians Like he had a dad He was stepdad Joseph And I had no idea And people were sending me Bible verses And going

What do you make jokes About Mohammed And I'm just getting Currently cancelled by the church That's pretty cool Yeah that's great I'm hosting Eid Next year on the ABC

Assalamualaikum I already told you I already told you If you came to the mosque And you were like if you were just wandering around looking up at the ceiling

everyone would lose their minds people would be like I think we got one and then they would come up to you you could even say you're an alcoholic

whatever no one cares we just want a white convert you've got the full beard they'd be like oh it's one of us in white face great in white face

yeah I'd be into it I'd convert you'd come down I saw a bit of the special the other night you were hosting. It was like a very diverse line-up of comedians

you had on. You had good comedians and other sorts. Oh, here he goes. Oh, jeez. I'm not that. No one is safe. So you get to host

a Christmas special. Maybe we should do a... Four open micers. Maybe we should do a dum-dum Kwanzaa special next year. Sure. You know

If everything's just up for grabs In this fucking topsy turvy world What's Scientology have? Do they have something we can do? Do they have a day? Do they just have Christmas? Do they have a Tom Cruise day or something? Yeah what do they

Are they trying to celebrate the day that the aliens came down Tom Cruise's birthday You have a long weekend for it or something That's in my joint I'm on that side of town I'm a few blocks away from the big Scientology really where is it

Mount Alexander Road every time I go the car park's heaving yeah this place is going off but do they have what shit do they get done here like I know over there

if you join up you get to go ahead in Hollywood you'd like to think like if you remember he got like a free golf class tickets to Top Gun Maverick

or something like that you know yeah but like you know it's all about like celebrities get in because then you do some weird shit. You get some money and, you know, suddenly doors open for you. But I just don't know what can open for you here. You give them the, you go in and you give them the like, here's every bad thing I've ever done. But then what's the reward?

What are you getting? What do you get? Maybe the little dum-dum club. Maybe we could get into bed with Scientology. Oh, yeah, yeah. Imagine that. Scientology, if you're listening, we'll accept some guests. We can be the first rung on the ladder of what you promised people.

Exactly. Yeah. We could start doing the dining and testing on air. You could totally just have new comedians in town, and then they're just all the others preaching. They're one gig in, all of a sudden they're on this podcast. It'd be so good. It's like you get to live for eternity.

You get first access to AFL grand final tickets. There's a big dinner. You go, what? What was the second? I'm listening. I don't need to be an AFL member. I can just skip that. Are there famous Australian Scientologists?

There must be, right? The thing is, yeah, I just think I'd look at the different territories. Like Netflix, you know, there's a lot of content they're putting out in America, they get all the big stars, why are they,

they're not going to invest in Australia because all our big stars go over there. It's just like, why would the Illuminati or, you know,

Scientology set a base here? There's not much that they can offer their members, there's not much of a, yeah, sure,

like you can't. So glad I don't have to be a Scientologist in Australia or Singapore. It's a hard angle. Yeah, our billionaires are like Clive

Palmer. Yeah, yeah. Fucking hell, man. Exactly. This dude's not going to space. He's trying to remake the Titanic. Fucking idiot. If you join Scientology, you can do a song on the Perth telethon. Yeah. There's nothing to look up. Personality. Did you grow up with people that believed in the

Illuminati No I used to hang out with You know my friend Hesh And those guys Every Friday we'd go to like Don't say anything That we have to edit out by the way Okay my friend

Just bleep out Hesh And just make it sound like Stop saying it Stop saying it Don't you have a bleep thing Just don't say it Guess what I'm not doing it

Merry Christmas cunt Are you worried about Hesh Or the Illuminati No I'm worried about you Ringing me in half an hour Going can you take this out? Hesh will probably own this story. Also, he doesn't listen to this damn podcast.

Yeah, okay, great. But we still all, every Friday night, Hesh. I love that. Naz, I'm pro-blackface. I made fun of Jesus. Fucking cut my friend's name out, please, man. Scientology, what's going on? The Illuminati, whatever.

Also, also, so not saying something is nature's edit button by the way so just don't say it if you want it edited out don't fucking say it every time I'm about to go on this podcast

you just say listen the only rule is say everything that comes to your brain we'll look after you speak with absolute gay abandon exactly if it feels wrong

it's probably funny have I ever said this on this show I don't think I have, but I'm going to say it anyway. You did a trial show one night and it was at Basement and then you're doing a show

and then you've got your mate Hesh there. This might need to be edited out. Hey, don't say it. That's a don't say his name. Oh, sorry, don't say his name. He's my don't say his name. Don't say his name. Don't say Hesh's name.

And you're doing comedy And then all of a sudden You go Alright well anyway I've got to hop off Because my friend Who's a He's a rapper

Well established rapper He's about to hit the stage Everyone's like What the fuck is going on We came to the Nazeem Hussain comedy hour And then we're closing On a ten minute rap

And then your mate Gets up and raps at the end With no music. He had music, but I don't know what happened, but there was a disconnect between his performance and the positive reaction of the audience. No, no. He's very talented.

Just for some reason, the crowd just wasn't into it. None of that's true. No, they weren't into it. They were confused. I don't think I introduced him properly. No. I was like, he's Hedge. Oh, I didn't introduce him properly.

I was about to do his stand-up. He comes on and he starts rapping. Eminem got a good intro when he first started. That was the difference. I love these ephemeral excuses for bombing. Just being on stage and having a shit one and being like, hmm, seems to me like Mercury must be in retrograde. Because you people aren't laughing at my jokes.

I'll say it next to you. There's a disconnect. Next to you and my manager, Beck, and you guys are like, you've got to stop it. I literally went on stage and my manager Beck And you guys are like You gotta stop it So then I literally Went on stage And I was like Give it up for Hesh

And then he's like Thanks man Because it was just very It was a bad It was a very weird thing A bad friend thing Mid rap he cut him off Yeah I cut him off

Which only happened to me One other time So the audience knew That his name was Hesh But they didn't know What he was here to say And ordinarily You know what it is

It's like performing In a bad place Like if you perform On the street You know what it is? It's like performing in a bad place. Like if you perform on the street to pass. It's a great place. Not for rap. Not for rap. Well, yeah, it's called the Basement Comedy Club. Not the Basement Rap Club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not hip hop. It's not stand up hip hop to me. MC Chando getting up, bringing the MC on. It was such an uncomfortable performance. On the way home, he literally asked if he should give up rap. That's how bad it was. And what did he say?

I said, nah, it's just Carl's audience. You know these white people that don't respect real hip-hop. Yeah, it was almost like they were confused when they walked into a show called Nazeem Hussain's Comedy Show. And then were hit with bad hip-hop. Was this you not having enough material to fill the hour? Possibly. He was single at the time. And he never asked me to do this.

Throughout the gig, I'd be like, make fun of him in like a, bigging him up. How big is he? Check out his muscles everyone and he would be all shy and stuff and throughout the gig I would sort of like make fun of him

but also like highlight his presence this was just a Tinder date it wasn't a comedy show I was just trying to like hook him up speed dating comedy speed dating

with one guy wow I'm a good friend imagine you wouldn't do that for me I know what will get my friends dick sucked bombing while rapping

Sorry about Hesh if you're listening These guys are absolute dogs Well this has to stay in Because it was very funny Yeah He's still doing rap So

Good on him Yeah You've been very supportive He used to be part of A Muslim comedy group Called The Brotherhood And one of their lyrics was Boom boom boom

Asalaamu Alaikum That was how one of their lyrics was boom boom boom asalamu alaikum that was how one of their songs started sick that's awesome he was at that secret lunch that we went to wasn't he

yeah yeah yeah it was a secret lunch that's in a vault somewhere oh that was recorded for TV yeah he's never going to

see the light of day he's a nice guy nice young man terrible at rapping you don't know shit about rap the more it's not Hish's fault

yeah there was a disconnect this is 100% Nazeem's fault. Yeah. There was a disconnect. This is 100% Nazeem's fault. I do this stuff all the time. I'm like, I, you know,

I'll see a friend in the audience and then without them wanting to, I'll like heavily involve them in the show. Right. And like, you know, when I filmed Legally Brown on SBS back in the day, the executive producer, like an actual introvert,

like someone that hates, like, you know, people at home and introverts, genuinely hates attention. And at the end of the last record I was like hey everybody

studio audience hey everybody this show couldn't have happened without the other guy give it up for Johnny Lowry and I and

do we have to bleep that name out or what are we doing here and he was like no no no and literally brought him out on stage and he was like melting on

he hated it and afterwards Beck was also an introvert she was like why'd you do that like he that's quite traumatising for an actual introvert I just thought it was also an introvert she was like why'd you do that that's quite traumatising for an actual introvert

I just thought it was a fun thing it was shaking when I filmed my special at the corner the other month I was like

if anyone got their driver's licence late or never had it and someone just points at her mate this chick next to her and I'm like

why didn't you get your licence and she's like I'm like miss I can't hear you why didn't you get your licence and she's like i'm like miss i can't hear you why didn't you get your license

and she's like i'm like i'm so we're record like i can't hear why didn't you get your license and she went i have crippling anxiety oh did you go oh i have shaky hands too same so you ever do like you're like how's her mate just going it's like at the comic stands there's often a person there who How's her mate just going, ask her. Ask her. That's really bad. It's like at the comic stands. There's often a person there who has a speech impairment or something. I don't know.

What? Everybody's got a story about this guy who you think he's heckling you, but actually... I don't know. Oh, he's got like Tourette's or something? I don't know, but he sounds like he's heckling you

until you start talking to him. I think I might know the guy you're talking about. And then as soon as you interact with him, the whole audience goes, oh. Right. It stops the show. Okay.

And then Nazeem's like, time to fucking double down. Yeah. Destroy it. Then you're like, pop up here and do a rap. Get up here. And his name is Hesh.

Do you ever do the thing where you go to a mate's festival show or whatever and they get to the end and they're like, thanks. And they're plugging maybe one or two of the shows that they always plug because they happen to have seen you there. They're like, oh, and also go and see Nick Coddins.

It just makes me cringe when that's happening because it's like, I don't care if you don't say this. I'm not going to be hurt. You're only saying this because I'm here and you've done it so half-heartedly. But imagine if they didn't say that and how would you feel? Oh, I'd kill myself. But I think that about most things. Well, you and I

had a beer last night. Yes. We were in Footscray at a pub and before you got there, you met this guy, but we got there it was Milan. Well, half of Milan. Yeah, yeah. Milan's lost a lot of weight. So, friend of the show Milan. Very slim Milan. Well, half of Milan. Yeah, yeah. Milan's lost a lot of weight.

Jesus. Friend of the show, Milan. Very slim, young thing he is now. He's hot. He's hot now. Yeah, he's hot. Let's get him on here to rap. Yeah.

Friend of mine, Jimmy from Maribor, and we're there, and it was like, man, they say Footscray is gentrified now. Fucking hell, it wasn't last night. I don't know. I don't go over there. It was such a blokey pub. That's a pub pup. Is it? Yeah, yeah.

That's the only one I went to. So it was like, it was chockers. There's lots of other bars and pubs in Footscray. Right, right. Well, very, very blokey. So it's fine. Were you intimidated by bloke? Like you were intimidated by blokey blokes?

Yeah. Well, I'm not the bloke-iest of blokes. No, but also I think it was that band on. I don't even think it was. I think there was maybe a tradies Christmas party there. I was getting that vibe, I think it was that band on, I don't even think it was, I think there was maybe a tradies Christmas party there. I was getting that vibe. But also,

there was a band and I think you're, you're confusing blokey blokes with 50 year old men that like punk music. That have tattoos. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Sure. I don't know if it's a blokey bloke. Well, put it this way, to me it felt like we were in like a WA,

what is it, skimpy, skimpy bar or something me, it felt like we were in like a WA, what is it? Skimpy, skimpy bar or something. Because it was like, honestly, there was like 60 blokes out the back and one woman walked past and everyone was like, fucking hell. It's like, man, we're not in the Outback. We're in Footscray. Like, you've seen women before. I was right about the Trady's Christmas party. Yeah, yeah.

So there was this one guy. They're like, fucking hell, what's she doing in here? Get out. No, no, no. Just like amazed because they'd been in a beer garden for three hours

without seeing a woman. So I was just like, fuck, that's what one of them looks like again. So there's this one guy that, because Milan's a guy

that you could put anywhere and he's going to meet people and make friends or whatever. So he starts talking to this guy and he comes over and we're talking to him or whatever and then he starts going, and we're getting along well with him. He seems like he's going to meet people and make friends or whatever. So he starts talking to this guy and he comes over and we're talking to him or whatever and then he starts going, and we're getting along well with him, he seems like he's funny enough or whatever. And then I go, oh yeah, how are you enjoying your night?

He goes, yeah, I didn't know what was going to happen tonight, but I'm actually enjoying talking to you old cunts. Like, cheers. How old is this guy? And we go, how old are you? And he goes, 20. I'm like, oh, fuck it up. Oh, man.

If he's 20. Exactly. He hasn't been indoors for that 20 years. He's been direct sunlight. Yes. He was a weathered 20. Yes. Put it this way.

He was 20, and he was trying to put it on us as old cunts. I mistook you. I genuinely, for about five minutes, thought he was the bass player for Silverchair. So if you're getting mistaken for a 43 year old and you're 20 I wouldn't be chucking around the O word

if I was you so that's pretty rude disrespect his elders like that he was alright who actually

says to an old person that they're an old couple Cody's come off the worst here significantly younger than you and Malone he didn't say that when Cody was before to an old person that they're an old couple. Yeah, it's funny. Cody's come off the worst here. Significantly younger than you and Malone.

No, he's getting He didn't say that when Cody was here. Oh, okay, sure. It was before. You have rosy cheeks which makes you I'm sunburned,

you piece of shit. It gives you that youthful kind of like childlike cherubish look. Cherubish look. But he told this guy this guy ends up

I'm a sunburned alcoholic doesn't he? This guy Drunk child. That's boot polish. This guy ends up telling this story which sunburned alcoholic this guy drugs child that's food polish this guy ends up telling this story which I told you

last time we're talking to him and he's like and he goes we're like where are you so you know we're only over here

we're from over in Hawthorne St Kilda what about you and he's like Geelong we're like wow you live in Geelong

and you come here he's like no I live in South Melbourne it's like well then the first answer was South Melbourne why are you saying Geelong it's like oh when I was a kid I lived in Geelong and you come here he's like no I live in South Melbourne it's like well then the first answer was South Melbourne why are you saying Geelong it's like oh

when I was a kid I lived in Geelong we're not fucking asking about history but anyway off to a great start yeah yeah where'd you come from Cody

well out of my mum at the women's and then we went to Salmon then Werribee then Hoppers yeah I moved to Williamstown

for a bit oh my background a couple of sweet little testicles attached to a man by the name of David Olson. So he goes, so they start telling us about Geelong and we're like, okay, what can we talk about Geelong? Fucking, did you go to Smorgies or did you go to this school or that school? He goes, oh, I used to work at Belmont KFC or something.

I thought you were doing crowd work with this guy. Where is Belmont? It's like a suburb were doing crowd work with this guy yeah where is Belmont it's like a suburb like an outer suburb of Geelong and he goes and all of a sudden he says this

he goes yeah working at KFC was really hard and we're like oh fuck I bet it was and he goes

yeah when I was 15 it was my second day on the job and I was working the what is it the drive-thru I was working the drive-thru

and he goes and KFC drive-thru it's not fucking the drive-thru. And he goes, and KFC drive-thru. It's not fucking easy. Like McDonald's. You know how they've got three windows? Fuck that. That's like fucking for pussies. Yeah, I love it.

There's one window. I love it. One window at KFC and I'm the guy. Of course they hate each other. It's never occurred. Of course the chains would all hate each other. I'm someone that's at McDonald's. I'll just get a drive-thru coffee.

There's so many windows. My kids, because they don't get Mac, my son thinks it's coffees. get a drive-thru coffee there's so many windows my kids because they don't get my son thinks it's coffees he goes oh car coffee yeah yeah yeah but there's windows but they're like

a red rooster wrap and I do like that the person you talk to is at the window and is making the thing and running it's a real fucking skeleton crew yeah yeah

it's like a mum and dad sort of business but wait so they only have one person isn't it she never really yeah yeah McDonald's have got all dad sort of business. But wait, so they only have one person, isn't it? She never really... Yeah, yeah. McDonald's have got

all these middlemen happening. I don't know, but there's got too many windows for some reason. I never fucking understand. It seems to work. None of them are ever in full operation.

Not all three windows are ever on the go. Oh, why don't you go tell McDonald's worldwide that I've got it wrong. But also, why isn't KFC doing that? I don't know.

So they've got one person on the headset, another person's making the food, and then a third person's handing it to the car? Yeah, yeah, I think that's it. This is a hell of an operation. That's Macca's. I wonder if you're getting... I wonder if when you go in, you're sort of being moved around,

or if it's just like, I just specialise in the headset, I kill it in there. They don't trust me on window duty. What's it called, like a Freeberg machine? What are those ones called? Oh, Rube Goldberg. I kill it in there. Is it what? What's it called? They don't trust me on window duty. What's it called? Like a Freeberg machine? Or what are those ones called? Oh, a Rube Goldberg. Rube Goldberg machine.

That's what the Maccas drive through windows. I actually did a gig for Maccas a couple of months ago. I should have. I'm now being followed by several Maccas. Did you do McAfee Day? No, no. Did you open? Restaurant managers.

What's the deal? With three windows? No, no, no. Did you get to go overseas open with that? What's the deal? With three windows? Did you get to go overseas for it? Huh? Did you go overseas for it? Might be going overseas next year. Yeah. This year.

Dubai? No. I went to Dubai. I can't remember. It's not Dubai. Did you go? Yeah, to Dubai. It's pretty exciting, isn't it?

It's sick. You know, like, as much as it's not cool to do gigs for Maccas, I think it's pretty cool to do gigs for Maccas. I think it's fucking awesome. We'd find it pretty cool. I'm down with it. It's not like some frigging Michelin star, but it's way more fun.

Get us a plus two. Get us over there. And the thing is, Maccas staff love Maccas because they ordered heaps of Maccas during the thing. Everyone was loving it. That's so funny. I'm loving it.

That's their actual thing. I went to a doctor's appointment the other day and in the waiting room, they had a painting of a doctor's waiting room. And I was like, this is bizarre. This is like a windowless room. Was it a mirror? Was it a mirror?

I was in it. With me on there? Yeah. The receptionist, they're like, you can have anything you want on the wall. And he's like, why would you want to travel when you're surrounded by this? My eyes in the painting followed me like the Mona Lisa.

There's this hot little guy in the picture. I was there because I was hallucinating after Meredith. They had a painting of a diseased little goblin. It was really fun. You know babies at the age where it doesn't know that she's looking at herself yet. And you know because if you put something on her forehead, if they know that they're looking at themselves and trying to scratch off their own...

So, you know, you're probably at your pre-dash stage. You're nearly there. Yeah, I don't have object permanence yet. But I'm getting there. 2023 is my hero. You're mentally almost one. I'll give you that. No one can take that away from me.

You let me know when you know that you're with the Maranatha. See if you beat my daughter. Oh, man. I had some great swaddles this year. I loved it. Have you rolled over yet? Have you rolled over? These are all my first words.

I hadn't spoken before we turned these mics on. I'm just really going for it. I think you're doing a good job so far. Everything I'm saying, I'm saying for the my first words. I hadn't spoken before we turned these mics on. I'm just really going for it. I think you're doing a good job so far. Everything I'm saying, I'm saying for the very first time. I think it's good so far. The track's being built as the train's rolling along. Carl, I must say, thanks for bringing all your daughter's toys out for Tommy to play with. It's the box time.

I thought they were a bit old for him, but he's doing all right. He's doing a good job. Don't swallow any of them, for fuck's sake. All right, it's boob time Cody whip it out Tommy thirsty you're so dumb

you're a baby fuck man I'm not even taking it as an insult I fucking truly love to be a baby like that like that

Wayans Brothers movie Little Man I'd fucking I'd do that if I could my kid's three and she said three times in the last week, I think I want to be a baby again. I'm like, oh, is life too tough as a three-year-old?

Sorry about this. Nostalgia already. Sorry about eating fucking solids. Sorry, that's tiring you out. Things were better back in 2021. Tell you what, my son said a lot this week. Daddy, why do you keep saying fucking? Really?

We're moving out. I've got fucking. He's clopped it. Just drop a box. This is what happened the other week. So this street, this was an early voting street. There's a thing over there. This is back to what you...

Yeah. There's an office over there. Now we start. Yeah. An early... Good warm-up, gang. Any minute now. Hit record.

Goo-goo-ga-ga. You'll get to vote soon It's 17 years Yeah in the Nickelodeon Awards Best patch Best slime So early voting Over the road

So for like two weeks It's just been chockers With people handing out Leaflets and people Going in to vote And whatever And then I'm bringing Out my three year old Every day we're getting Flyered Every day there's Fucking heaps of people So for like two weeks, it's just been chockers with people handing out leaflets and people going in to vote and whatever. And then I'm bringing out my three-year-old. Every day we're getting flied.

Every day there's fucking heaps of people out there. And I'm having to explain to a three-year-old what voting is? Oh, it's hard, isn't it? Did you try? Oh, yeah. What did you say? Well, I was like, well, they sort of run the state. Well, there's a dictator in charge of this state.

Get him out and put him in the gallows. Remember that fake virus two years ago when you were one? Remember when the playgrounds were shut? Yeah. Do we want to vote for the guy who did that or didn't do that? It's a no from this three-year-old, actually. Remember why Dad's got all that canned soup in the bunker? Because of this fucking scandemic, mate.

Daddy, why say fucking? Because we're being watched, dear dog. Remember when Dad pissed on the Shrine of Remembrance? Remember when you had to suck a tip through a mask? Remember when Daddy wrote all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

on your bedroom wall? It's this man's fault. Daddy, why are you walking on the fucking bridge floor? So did you try and break it down? I try to say It's like the person Who's in charge

They're like the boss Of the Yeah that's what I do Yeah I got I got a point off I tried to I thought I'd started off I was like you know

Like people looking They look after You know making the roads And the hospitals It's like oh So you know You have to vote for people To make them

Like better I don't really know That's how my mum Explained it to me The other week And it got through Better roads Yeah It made a mum explained it to me the other way and it got through better roads yeah

it made a lot of sense to me a baby I tried to do that I tried to go oh it's like boss boss is a good word I'm like people are deciding

on who wants who wants to be the boss of Hawthorne it's so funny though a three year old having a concept of a boss

yeah yeah yeah when you go like oh it's like the mummy and daddy, but of everyone. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's also pretty tutorial. I'm coming up on the fly with it. So I'm like, yeah, the boss, who decides everything?

You know, like who chooses everything? Oh, okay, right. And so I'd done that a couple of times. And then two weeks later, finally, when the election, it was actually election day, and we walked down the street and there's no one. No, no, it was the day after election day sorry and Tommy got kissed

by all the politicians on the news now show that appearance alright get on it photoshoppers I want ten of them on my desk by close of business

so so the day later there's no one left in the street there's nothing happening and then and then Blanket's like yeah so what is oh no one left in the street there's nothing happening and then and then blanket's like yeah so what is oh no one here anymore daddy and i'm like yeah yeah yeah she goes someone they must they must have the boss now i said that's right and she and she goes

i wonder who it was and i go yeah i wonder who is the new boss? I said, who do you think it was? And she goes, hmm, maybe Santa? Santa or Mummy? I'm like, fuck, wouldn't that be a great election? Santa v Mummy. That is a genuine great election for someone between two and six, I reckon. Who are you voting for in the world to take over? Santa or mummy? Santa makes dinner, but Santa brings some pretty fucking sweet toys.

I want to say, did you see Santa or mummy on any of those leaflets, you fucking dunce? I've been telling you for two weeks. You've raised them well. Oh yeah, who would you vote for? Mum or Santa? Well, I think what's most interesting about this election concept is that then your wife is just having to drag Santa through the mud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do a bit of...

No, but also... Turns up one day a year. Yeah. Trying to get the economy going. Doesn't even use the front door. Yeah. Yeah. And then it was like...

Slave labour. And I start loving it. And she goes, she goes, Santa or... She goes, Mummy, Santa or Mummy? And then there's a big gap

and then she's like, well, maybe crunchy. Oh, okay. And I'm like, fuck the top three. I'm not getting on the fucking ballot. Daddy doesn't get a run. Beaten by an animal. You're pathetic, and that's a baby saying that.

Yeah, yeah. I'm one of the obscure independents at this point. You're a chill candidate. I'm the animal rights party at this point. I was going to say, what is the voting below the line in this election? It's like Fred Flintstone you know Mario yeah

SpongeBob my cousin ran for Labor up on the Sunshine Coast in the federal election in 2019 and I said mate how's it

like how's it going he goes fuck it's going to it's going to be tough and he lost it's all liberal up there and he said the interesting thing though

this part of queensland norm like in melbourne you've got however many left-wing parties and then a few right-wing parties yeah whereas there it's like one nation is like that's a moderate gentleman it's people that one nation are like fucking get a load of this this guy is crazy that's like when ISIS became a terrorist group Al-Qaeda put out

a press statement condemning ISIS going those guys are too extreme they literally did that we just half behead people like we don't do the full thing

these guys are crazy there were parties in Melbourne that had like their whole angle was just a cross through Dan Andrews' face. And that's why people were like, you know.

It was a pretty easy year to be in a campaign office, I reckon. There was a great conspiracy theory. The one, the craziest one I saw was that there was a, Dan Andrews is the Premier of Victoria, right? So there's two people voting for him, whatever. There was literally a party called Anti-Dan Andrews Party. And it was a conspiracy that that was funded by Dan Andrews. Like, they were like, yeah, that's actually, that's, and I'm like, I don't even fucking understand how that could. Dan Andrews party and it was a conspiracy that that was funded by Dan Andrews.

Like, they were like, yeah, that's actually, that's, and I'm like, I don't even fucking understand how that could, because it makes him a victim.

No, no, to trick people into vote, so it's like, you hate Dan Andrews, you're going to vote for the anti-Dan Andrews party, but the vote is actually

going to them. Then you find out that the, you know, the candidate for the anti-Dan Andrews party is Dan Andrews. You know,

I reckon this podcast, in five years, it's going to, you're going to run like a candidate as a joke and get in. Dan Andrews. I reckon this podcast in five years you're going to run like a candidate as a joke and get in. That's what's probably going to happen in five years.

We've floated it. But that thing that was such a funny one where someone's just said that on social media and then all those nut jobs have picked it up and been like

this is fucking disgusting and it's like not verified at any point. Like it wasn't true. Of course it's not true. But isn't one of those you could just look at the ballot paper and go, oh, that's weird.

Why would you do that? Why would you do any work? Oh, yeah. When you could just be fucked in the head. Too busy eating my democracy sausage. Did you ever have, like, falling out with, like, conspiracy theorists during lockdown and stuff? Because I had a couple of tips with, like,

some people who just were, like, anti-vaxxers, whatever. And now that the sort of of emotions out of the whole thing like I don't know are you supposed to be friends I can't oh you go back oh yeah

we still have similar friendship circles and I was like the most vocal like you're an idiot and then so some of my other friends are catching up with him

and I'm like I don't know I saw one at a funeral recently and I said to her this was this was not the vax that did this

I had friends who had like timing weddings like last year And I said to her, this was not the vax that did this. I had friends who had like weddings like last year or 2021. And yeah, having like aunties that were anti-vax, that were refusing to get vaccinated, that didn't go to the wedding. Huge blow up in the family. Massive fight. Like she feels like, how can you bar me from coming? And they're like, why won't you get the fucking vaccine and come to your niece's wedding,

you fucking selfish idiot. And then, yeah, now it's all just like, oh, well, you can go anywhere and do whatever you want.

So Christmas is back on and I guess we'll just pretend that that, just ignore that, that that six months just didn't happen. It seems crazy. Which is pretty good though. It means you can say anything to anybody and it doesn't really matter.

As long as you said it. Just a year ago. Yeah, as long as you said it. It ago yeah as long as you said it it feels like lockdown was like brackets but a lot of them not real

a lot of them when it's coming out now it's like oh it didn't protect as well as we said and they're like we'll never forget what you made us feel

like you fucking dogs it's annoying oh we also don't forget you thought it was a 5G tower spreading exactly yeah you were on the news punching a horse

like we won't forget that yeah okay we were wrong about something like oh well sorry for erring on the side of caution you fucking nutbag

I mean I'm one years old what's your excuse my brain's not fully formed I'm not even allowed to get it yet sorry I got the fucking mumps vaccine. Sorry. I was conceived in the first lockdown.

I don't even know what's going on. So to get back to the other thing, the KFC guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, jeez. What a web. Nothing but callbacks. I love you. I guess that's been like a suspicion in my head,

but I'm rapt to hear that the people that work at any given chain are like those fucking Hungry Jacks. Yeah, yeah. They got it too good. This guy's like the one-man band. The guy with the cymbals on his knees. Yeah. The fucking accordion.

Is this the 20-year-old we're talking about? Yeah. This is the bloated corpse of the 20-year-old that we're talking to. Well, that's why he looks so old, because he's fucking running around KFC like a headless chook doing every job. Actually he was also saying oh yeah I just bought him. I did not mean that.

That's a pun completely by accident. I just bought him a pint and he goes yeah when I went to rehab for the second time I'm like fuck me. Hang on. So this guy goes you're an old cunt. And you go let me get you a pint. Yeah yeah yeah. I was like, I'll pay

that's funny. He's played you like a fiddle. You're right, Footscray hasn't gentrified at all. The game does work. Yeah, yeah. Give me a pint, you ugly bitch. They're not going to take your thruppence, you old cunt.

Throw your hay pennies out. Give me some of that malt liquor that you guys like. Hide your hooch. Here comes the cops. Yeah, yeah. So he goes, yeah, so he's bagging the McDonald's, the three windows. He's working his nose to the bone fucking doing one window at KFC. And he goes, it was my second day.

And he goes, yeah, so day and he goes yeah so anyway I've got the headset on and everyone in the the manager and whatever are yelling at me I'm two days in I don't know what the fuck I'm doing oh you've got multiple voices in there

that would be yeah yeah yeah so you'll get cars well one of them is a manager I think a few of them are already there from the two rehabs I think

or you need a disclaimer now yeah so he's got the whole all the lines of cars and he's he's copping it he's like

starting to panic he's having a meltdown and he goes then this old lady comes up to the to the counter like drives up and then orders

he goes and she ordered like all these fucking family meals it was like 80-90 bucks worth of chicken and like it's way too fucking much and then she goes

alright and I'm typing it all in and then she goes here you go and starts paying me in all coins. She's just getting the coins out of the console

and paying in all coins and he goes, there's so many cars. I'm like, I'm getting yelled at. I'm like, fuck this. He goes,

I'm just putting them straight in the till. I'm not counting any of it. I'm going, okay, she's giving me handful after handful of coins. Because at Mac

there'd be a coin person. Well, that's it. There'd be a fourth coin fucking window. And a coin secretary. One for each type of coin.

Maybe it's normally multiple jobs but he was smoking ice at the time and he's like I'll do all three. He was running between windows. I'm on it.

So he's like, he's doing that and he gets the final handful of coins and the woman drops the handful of coins in the gap between the window and the car so it just

hits the ground and goes fucking everywhere and he's like oh fuck he goes i was already panicking i was way behind there's all these cars coming so and he goes he goes i just fucking lose i go fuck me he goes you fuck this for me he, I'm going to get the fucking sack here. I'm about to get fucking fired. I'm going to need you to open up the fucking door and get the coins off the ground yourself. I can't fucking get out there. You're going to need to fucking do it. Because that's true.

He has to leave the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. And also. This guy just meeting some strangers at a bar. What makes this story pop into his head? I don't know, but it's a good one. It's good choice. You have a listen to the end yet.

You have a listen to the end yet. And I also think that the two things happening, he thinks he'll get the sack. He's telling everyone later because I was 25 cents short on the till, not that I've just

yelled fuck multiple times to the customer. The till wasn't balanced yet. He's hanging out the window going You're going to have to fucking The colonel's going to have my ass for this He's like You're going to have to fucking pick it up I can't fucking reach it from here

You have to open your door And get the fucking coins yourself And she goes Okay I'm so sorry She opens the door She's got no legs She bends down And starts scooping up the coins with no legs

and goes, sorry about that. And he's like, oh, my God. Now I am definitely getting fired. He's like, I should have gone to Macca's. There'd be a dedicated coin scooper person there. I wouldn't have to do this. That's so good. Oh, my God.

I'll try and find it. Do you know the Colonel, before he died, he was like off KFC. He hated it. Right. He really turned around on it. I have no idea who he is. Yeah. I'll try and find the quote because it's pretty good.

By the way, I love that last night the guy comes back with some beers and Carla started telling me this story. And Carl said, I'm just telling him the KFC story. He goes, yeah, it's a good one. This 20-year-old. Did the woman get all the coins for him? Or how did he get the coins? I don't know.

Like, that was enough. As soon as he said she had no legs, I was like, good story. I don't need any PSs. No sequels. That's it. It's a hard out there I'm not like When they

When they When they had fucking Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box I didn't go But what happened next At the end of that movie Seven I actually don't know which movie

What Oh sorry Spoiler alert Oh no What's in the box Sorry everyone What movie What's in the box

A zinger fillet meal lady Get those coins A bunch of coins Bend over Oh here we go Sanders remained critical Of Kentucky Fried Chicken's food in the box. A zinger fillet meal, lady. Get those coins. A bunch of coins. Bend over. Oh, here we go. Sanders remained critical of Kentucky Fried Chicken's food. In the late 1970s,

he told the Louisville Courier-Journal, my God, that gravy is horrible. They buy tap water for 15 to 20 cents a thousand gallons and then they mix it with flour and starch and end up with pure wallpaper paste.

And I know wallpaper paste by God because I've seen my mother make it. There's no nutrition in it and they ought not to be allowed to sell it. That's awesome. The guy's head is the logo of the brand. And then shortly afterwards he died. Yeah.

So that's what happens. Oh, when you speak out against the chicken. He's a whistleblower. Even he is not... People in Kentucky don't forget. Don't forget, man. That's why this guy was freaking out About the coins dropping

He knows what happened to the Colonel I won't name him Unlike you who's handing up every cunt you've ever fucking met That raps badly I won't name this guy Old fucking Canary Hussein over here Just singing I was at a cafe recently

Sammy the Squeal over here I overheard a couple on what must have been a first date And they were just kind of of getting into some deep stuff and the lady was like, yeah, I'm thinking about quitting my job. I just don't know if I love my career and I think I want to do something different, but I'm just kind of worried that I'm a bit old

to start over and start from scratch. And the guy goes, it's never too late to start over again. I mean, Colonel Sanders was 50 when he started KFC and it's like, that's your one example of a late in life bloomer, Colonel Sanders was 50 when he started KFC and it's like that's your one example of a late in life bloomer is Colonel Sanders. It's really like, God it says

immediately I was like, I know everything about this man now. This has told me, there's probably this guy. Yeah, yeah. If he looked 50, it might have been him. It might have been this 20 year old. Making a legless woman pick coins up off the ground of KFC

off the off the drive through ground not even inside not even the justice of going off the road the dignity of doing it inside yes

what was her order did he is that heaps it was heaps I kind of don't get why she was ordering so much

like obviously she might have served other people too yeah yeah people with no legs can have friends I never said anything I was not making a comment on her legs I think you're saying there's less body Well, obviously you might have served other people too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People with no legs can have friends. I never said anything.

I was not making a comment on her legs. You're saying there's less body to have to like... I never said anyone. Provide energy for to fill up. Do you think that when you eat, the food goes straight to your legs normally? Is that what you think? To be honest, I had a thought that started there and then I was like, oh no, I've got to stop this.

I mean, you guys finished it. Do you think people are like a thermometer? Like we... The more we eat, we go, fuck, I'm up to stop this. You guys finished it. Do you think people are like a thermometer? Like the more we eat, they go, fuck, I'm up to me, quads full.

I could go more. Yeah, I'm stopping. When it gets to my abdomen, I'm full. I'm full. Well, Cody,

you were just mentioning before you moved house recently. I'm getting kicked out of my house for two months. What was that? They're redoing the bathroom. The landlord's redoing the bathroom. Didn't I tell you to buy a place in a more affordable suburb?

You insist on positioning yourself as some sort of victim of the housing affordability crisis. It's East Melbourne. I think that's the most expensive suburb in Melbourne. He's not there anymore. I'm happy for that to be. I'm happy for people to just believe that. He's also in another expensive suburb. Yeah.

Well, the reason... Zero sympathy. Well, I bring it up because I was going to see if one of your 18 investment properties was there around that time. You don't know this, Naz, but he lives in the Rialto now. He lives in the rotating restaurant at the top.

So, yeah, we've got to find a place To live for two months Real hassle My girlfriend put a post In like a Facebook group Like a suburb Good karma group I don't want to be real I think you're both too old for that

I know I think it's like If you're above 21 You've just got to go on a website I know You're not backpacking through Melbourne mate I'm sorry I was sus on it

But it did get a result It did get a result That'd be good Go and live in a hostel Us and the dog And then Because we normally Record at your house

I can go in there And you know We can block out The rustling plastic bags Hey babe I've got us a juicy van Yeah it'll be easy To find

It'll be easy To find guests Every week Because you know Today on the show Julio Well surely like You know A woman and her baby Would find Every week. Oh, yeah. Today on the show, Julio. Surely, like, you know, a woman and her baby would find people.

Surely people are offering their house for. Because I'm a baby. Because you're a baby. Oh, right, right, right. Yes, yes. Yeah, it's Christmas. Christmas is a combination. Christmas is coming up. Yeah.

Mary and little Tommy. No, Jesus was not raised by a single mum. Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. I've learned one thing from this episode. Apart from the three windows versus one window debacle, I've learned one other thing. Thank you, Satan Azim.

Trying to get back in with the Christians. Wait, so what are you going to do? Well, believe it or not, posting in a Facebook group actually did pay off. Yes. This guy got on there. He responded to my girlfriend and he's like, we have this house in this suburb. It's not too far from where we are now.

Young family of three, him and his wife have both taken long service leave for like two months. They just want to go traveling with the kids while they're little. They're like, we're going to take advantage of this, make the most of it. So, you know, you can have the whole house. Got a big backyard, which is great for the dog and everything. And it's like the timing works out basically exactly.

And we're like, great. And he goes, well, you know, we own the house. We haven't rented for a long time. We don't really do any of the Airbnb kind of stuff. So we don't really know, you know, what we should charge.

Like, what do you think's fair? And we're like, here we here we go so we're getting our rents getting paused so my girlfriend just sort of pitched as a starting point just the rent that we pay each week in the house and he's gone oh what about this and he like puts it up a bit which we're getting a bit more money from the real estate so we're like you know we've we're still within the budget so we're like all right you, we're still within the budget. So we're like, all right, you know, that's fair enough. Happy to have it just like out of the mind, not have to stress about where we're going to go.

Lock it in. You know, it was a little bit like, oh, we just got to work out the exact date that we'd be leaving. But yeah, happy to lock it away. And then my girlfriend sends a message and she's like, yeah, so let us know. Do you want us to give you a bit of a deposit or like maybe we could just come around and meet you

so we can just make sure that each other's not scamming the other one all that kind of stuff. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, all sounds good. And then he tacks on right at the end. He goes, oh, and by the way,

we have a cat that you'd have to feed while you're here. Oh my God. Now, this sounds like house sitting to me. Yeah, right. This guy's fleecing us for some extra dough and then getting in right at the end and being like, I am going to make you do some work to me. Yeah, right. This guy's fleecing us for some extra dough and then getting in right at the end and being like,

I am going to make you do some work for me. How much do you normally pay for cat sitting? I have no idea. Well, I mean, that's the research you've got to do next and then charge that back to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not bad.

I don't know. What do you think about that? It's a little... Can you say, listen, the cat will be looked after in your absence and if it's... are you comfortable with that? You can then kind of outsource that work to one of your listeners.

Someone that loves cats. So you think we'll want one of our listeners to go into his house and feed his cat. I don't think you want that, but I'm sure one of your listeners. It's not my cat. Okay, but if all he wants is the cat to be looked after... Yeah. Surely there's someone that loves cats. Right.

Do you think people love cats enough that they would pay to look after a cat? Like, you know, in some countries, they've got Uber Kitten. Oh, yeah, they've got the cat cafes in Japan. You can make money. Start one of them in this house. I thought the bigger problem here

is that you've got a dog. Yeah. He knows about that. See, we mentioned our pet up front. This guy's sneaking a fucking cat in at the 11th hour. Oh, you mentioned our pet up front. This guy's sneaking a fucking cat in at the 11th hour. Oh, you mentioned your dog up front. Have you done that in your current house? I remember this shit. You didn't say anything.

You're going to have to edit this out. No, but by the time your current person listens to the landlord, they're going to be out of there anyway. I'm looking at your face knowing you're going to edit this out. No, I'm a baby and I don't understand what you're saying. Okay, what does look enough for cats?

What's a landowner? And now you're subletting rooms. You're a boss baby. A landlord, you mean my mum a couple of months ago when I lived inside her.

I'm going to be homeless. Look enough for cats just live outside, don't they? You can't just leave a bag of shit. He has mentioned that it's an outdoors cat

that just goes and lives its life but it's like, I just think it's like jacking up the price on us and then sneaking in the favour. What happens? What does it mean?

How do you fulfil that kind of, like, it has to be the same weight and happiness? If it dies, it's on your head. If something happens to it, you're officially looking up. I probably will snap its neck and put it in the air at day one just to sort of get that stress out of the way. Oh, it just went out and never came back. It's the weirdest thing. Oh well,

trauma last. What happens if the cat dies? How much do you have to pay for the dead cat? Yeah. I thought to be fair though, a cat would be up there with goldfish

for like how easy it is. Goldfish die real quick. No, no, no, but I mean the ease of, you just put it out and they don't want to hang out with you. That's the thing, if there's some like

food dispenser thing, just... Yeah, but that's like saying to you, oh, you're a comedian. Just come into my work at McDonald's and do five minutes. It's only five minutes work. It's only five minutes. But a cat,

I don't think they take a lot of... It's like you're not walking your cat. I don't even know where your cat is now. It's just hanging. What does it even mean looking after it? Yeah, exactly. They're not a dog. Every day we're going to...

So it's like if we wanted to go away for a night or two in the middle of that, which we may well do, we can take the dog with us. All of a sudden, now we're having to get like a third party to come in and like house sit our house sitting. The other funny thing about the house is there's... I do like that. It's three bedroom, two of them are children's rooms,

which I imagine is where we'll be doing the podcast in a baby's bedroom. Right, right. You'll be happy with that, Tommy. I'll be doing the podcast in a baby's bedroom right right you'll be happy with that tell me I'll be right at home I just say to my partner like you take the adult bedroom

I'm going to sleep in here look up at the fucking clothes on on the roof clothes on sick yeah they come back and I've just like

completely redone the child's bedroom you've come in and gone and they've gone why did you get a smaller bed in here? Yeah, you can stay over. We can sleep in the little bunk. Are you going to do it?

Have you agreed? I kind of think we, like by the time this came up, like I said, it was literally at the last bit of the conversation. This was just this week, and my girlfriend was like, I'm just going to,

I think we should ask you to drop the price a little bit if we're doing this, but I just want to get it locked in and not have to fucking worry about it. Are you good with those sort of conversations where you're like, can I pay you less because of your cat? Can you say that sort of stuff to someone? I mean, yeah, I'm a pushover, but this is the beauty of it.

I'm driving all this, saying to my partner, you've got to fucking tell them this, knowing full well I'm not the one sending the message, you know what I mean? You tell this cunt oh i see fuck off what i like in my relationship i'm the best at zero percent anger so i can give i can talk all that and just go mate this is what i'm trying to get across and i give people more chances than anyone else i think i've explained myself please understand where i'm coming from yep if they keep giving me grief i'm to have to pass you over to my wife. And she controls one to 90% anger.

And then when she's had it, I'm back in for the 100%. It's dead to like, I'm zero or 100. But I'm like, I've got my hand out like a fucking WCW tag team. Like, get me back in. Puss, puss, puss. So the real estate, and we're moving out.

The people, the owners of the house, they bought the house a year after we'd moved in. But in that year, we'd had a dog in there and that dog chewed up a PowerPoint out the back. And they're like, the condition report has that, you know,

it's not chewed. I'm like, well, when they bought it, it was. They go, but the condition report, I'm like,

they didn't own it then. They bought it. They didn't do an inspection on the house. They're fucking dumb. Where are you at this stage, anger-wise? I'm still at zero, even though I have said they're fucking dumb. But you didn't yell it. You said it very placidly.

That's their fault. Who's buying a house and not getting a building inspection? That, to me, is insane. They haven't looked. They've just bought it based off photos. And they're like, what's this? You go, they dog chewed it before you bought it. I think they want us to fix it.

And I'm like, that's not when you bought it. How much are we talking? I don't know. Well, Nazeem, what have you got in the portfolio? Anything that's available January 30th? Have you got anything open? Anything empty at the moment? Do you have any pets that need looking after?

I talk a lot Sorry, sorry Pass the mic to Slumlord Nazeem I'm going to have to This is all going to have to be edited out I've got Everything is leased Everything's full

Well done Congratulations You'd appreciate this My dad the other day I've got a bunch of stuff that's just like in their garage like some camping stuff and uh dad was like oh can you you know can you can you take it back and i'm like i don't have any room in our we've got like we've got like one cupboard we've got no storage space in our house if it's not if it's not taken up you know it's in your you've got this huge garage can you just hang on to it like because there's literally

not room in our place for it and dad was like well if you don't have enough storage space you know what the solution is like what he's like buy somewhere it's like isn't that the most fucking baby boomer shit you've ever heard it's like what if i buy a house without a fucking cupboard that'll just automatically buy a studio apartment and go what cunt in your face old man I win now what what about this so we're in

my place here and so there's that office over there right so there's like there's a there's a couple of companies that work by the way

very interesting you said that was the voting yes place yeah they pick weird yeah it's like a it's like an empty

commercial office yeah yeah yeah and that's where you vote some of it's full some of it's empty and they pick one of it it's a a It's like an empty commercial office block Yeah, yeah, yeah And that's where you vote Some of it's full some of it's empty and they pick one of it It's a weird street to come down

Like this street was fucking chocolate Where I voted near Ascaval on Mount Alexander the voting booth it was like this yeah, hollowed out building

It was like a gang in a 90s movie would hang out there You know what I mean? The Warriors went down the road there Warriors come out and vote.

The Scientology Centre should have done themselves up like they're a voting booth and made it look all legit and then you go in and what's actually happening is as you're filling out the thing that's doing the e-meter readings, you're like, oh, you seem pretty stressed about who to vote for. Come through here and have a chat. Who do you want to vote for? Have you ever pulled your dick out of the playground?

What? It's a personality, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a question. They get all the dirt on you and then they hold it against you. I love that. Going in and they're like getting all the dirt and it's like, your opener is, I'm a pedophile.

Do with that what you will. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. And if it does bite me in the ass, I hope it's a kid to bite me in the ass. Here I am with my baby co-host. So that place, there are some occupied offices over there, some unoccupied. There's quite a large company over there, a well-known company over there. McDonald's? Do you see?

No. KFC. Three of the windows are. One of them is KFC. Baby bunting? Tommy's looking for some are. One of them is KFC. Baby bunting? Tommy's looking for some stuff. That was just around the corner. So, you know, it's got tinted windows.

You can see how it's got tinted windows. Now, I think maybe this is a common trick that maybe people fall into, or maybe it's just me. You see tinted windows and you go, I can't see in there. They can't see in here. But then I never think, oh, that's right, I don't have tinted windows and you go, I can't see in there. They can't see in here. But then I never think, oh, that's right.

I don't have tinted windows. Oh, no. So I always look there. Doing the helicopter. Yeah. Doing the helicopter. So I'm a big one of getting up in the morning and walk around in the nut in here. Really?

Yeah. You've got a kid. I know. Well, no, but like when she's gone, like her mother's taken her. So you wake up, you change, and then they leave. I don't change.

I go to bed naked. I sleep in the nude. Are you a nude sleeper? Are you a nude sleeper? Nah. Nah, I'm not. Nah, I'm boxers. Or like cotton. I'm even worse.

You know what? I'm even worse than a nude sleeper now. How are you worse than a finger up your ass? I'm about to tell you. Robbie Williams video. I've added one.

I shave off my epidermis I get down to the dermis You remember Violet That's year 7 Is it? Yeah I've added one piece of clothing To my sleep regime

Cock sock Like when people film sex scenes No Jocko Van Damme On the On the set Cock sock What's worse than sleeping naked?

Oh if you say Fucking glove shoes I'll bash you Oh what's that? Oh my god You know those You know those glove toe shoes that went off like runners? Oh, they're fishing. Each toe is individualised. No, no, no.

One condom, just in case. Just in case I have a wet dream. Should the mood strike me? Wet dream insurance at age 46. No, I now go to bed in a fucking eye mask. Oh, I want the eye mask. Yeah, I don't want it. Not nude.

Nude and eye mask. For a bit of sleep VR. Yeah, yeah. Like I've got way too relaxed in first class on a flight. People say the man leaving the socks on during sex is like such a daggy look. Imagine rooting with the eye mask on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to.

No, I'm not going to say it. Carl's a good looking guy. No, thank you. Thank you. Good looking guy. No, but yeah, so that's a recent move. I love it. Wait, wait.

So is this? So we're going back to this. Yeah, yeah. So anyway. All the sexy talk out of the way now. Back to the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to this.

So I'm One of Walking around like here And I'm always like Oh yeah yeah They can't see me But like I said At one stage I did go Fuck they're tinted

I'm not tinted I wonder if they can See Like this is You know But it's not just them It's like there's Apartments there

There's an apartment Street Look It's got a corner window No but it's There's so many windows here I'm not on the ground level It's all windows No but you can't see down's so many windows here. I'm not on the ground level. It's all windows.

No, but you can't see down there. From here, you can probably count like 20 windows. Feasibly, there's like 10 offices. Yes. Yeah, maybe. There's apartments right there. Yeah, I keep an eye on that one. I keep that shade down.

So I keep an eye on that one. But that one, I think, is like nothing, whatever. But then I always think oh fuck maybe they maybe they can or maybe like is the distance involved maybe they can't see over that far

you live with like a 20 year old who's out of home for the first time I know Tommy's a baby he actually can't see that far

he's only getting our faces it's a bit blurry so I've always wondered whether you could actually see in here from over there and the other day

I was like maybe I got a clue as to maybe they can see in here because oh when you were voting no no no no no when i come out here one day don't use that pen and there's a there's below the line there's a over there they've got the they had the blinds up and they had a mannequin backed onto the window with no clothes on, like bare ass, directly onto the window, and they'd jerryed their arms around so that it looked like it was doing a brown eye.

And I'm like, is this in reaction to me? Wow. Yeah, definitely. That's awesome. I was like, that's for me. They're not tinted windows then. It's just people sitting close to the window. Yeah.

Well, yeah, but they had, I think, the blinds or whatever. Anyway, you can definitely see it. You could see it the other day. They pulled the blinds up and they had the dummy directly backed onto the window. Cheeks spread with the fingers, with the arms or whatever. Or is it tinted and it's your reflection? How dare you, brown-eyed me, man.

You're in a place of business. I'm in my home. I'm looking over the road over my shoulder. What? Who's that? I'm doing my daily goatee practice, and then all of a sudden, I'm confronted with this. So there's two podcast hosts, and neither of us have heard of Mirrors. Is that what's happened off the back of this episode?

We finally got to the bottom of it. I love it. I'm not sure. For days, I was wondering. You could have just walked outside and looked in. Oh, yeah, maybe. No, but you don't get the same angle. Because once you go on the street, you look up and you can't see anything.

But on the same level, like I'm on half a floor up. I think you've got to just go in there and be like, I've got to ask, can you see me? Have you seen my dick? Yeah. I wonder if, can you find out what offices are in there? I know. I know what offices are in there.

I don't want to say it on the show. Just call them and find out. Like, can you see... Yeah, but what's the question? Oh, yeah. If you give away your address, then all of a sudden people are going to be swarming here at 9am hoping to catch a glimpse of that hog. Yeah, yeah.

How unlucky is this? Binoculars Australia across the road. Binoculars Australia. Well, look, if it's all right, my phone number got put out on the fucking podcast 10 years ago. If the information of how to see my dick every morning at 9.30 doesn't go out, that'd be great. And they're doing an eye test and they're like,

can you see the guy's dick? Put an eye test here, about here. Put an eye test here and put a D as big as my dick just here and go, can you see, how far down the line can you see over the road? A very small lower case I I'd get that dot check down if I was you

oh wow so they just did the mannequin for like one day and then it's gone yeah maybe one maybe two days and I'm sure I know the answer

to this question but I have to ask because this changed your behaviour anyway not too much I'm doing a bit more hiding behind the question, but I have to ask, because this changed your behaviour in any way. Not too much, not too much. I'm doing a bit more hiding behind the counter at the moment. Right. You're sort of like Austin Powers-ing it.

So you're making coffee in the nude? I'll get a bit of toast in the nude over there, yeah. So these drawers will have swipage. I don't pull them out. I don't hand my balls into the drawers. Oh, you're not on this leather couch in the nude, are you? No. No, you are.

I bet you are. Oh, no, I never sit down. Was this leather white originally? nude, are you? No. No, you are. I bet you are. Oh, no, I never sit down. Was this leather white originally? Or have you been up to no good? Oh, look, that nine-inch crease, that was there to start with. That wasn't me. That wasn't me. Nine-inch.

Nine-inch crease. Oh, sorry. I lowered it down. All right. Well, that's just about it. That's all right. Wait, that's just about it. Is that time? Yeah, that's time. Wait, wait.

Did you finish your story? You did, didn't you? Which one? The dog thing. No. No, that was it. I was telling you. Well, what about this?

Before we go, Tom, I did have a heap of other stuff, but I'll do this one. Because this reminds me of the pub last night. So we heard the KFC story, and I'm like, oh, man, fucking Footscray. This is off. I said, this pub. And there was another pub just down the road where I'm like, oh, man, fucking Footscray. This is off. I said, this pub. And there was another pub just down the road where I'm like, oh, fuck, I wouldn't mind going down to that pub. And my mate that was with us, he goes, oh, man, don't go to that pub just down the road.

I'm like, why not? He goes, man, I went in there. I don't know what he was doing. He had to pop in and just was killing time. He had to do something else. And he popped in, and he thought it was a normal pub, but it was like they were putting the hat around to get a stripper and it was like thursday lunch time or something was a stripper happening he's like oh man i just came in here to fucking kill

time while someone's good and they're putting the hat around they go come on put in he's like man i don't i'm not i'm not putting in for the stripper i came in here to get fucking one drink i'm going back to my car i gotta go and fucking pick up my wife I'm not hanging around for the fucking hey I've got a drink drive to my beloved I'm not here for nudes and he goes

and the pub he goes he goes I've got children to hit I've got children to hit I've got I've got reds I've got family's lives

to ruin guys I've got reds to run alright he goes I've got he goes I'm not here for he goes the All right? He goes, I'm not even, he goes, the pub's that rough.

He goes, I'm a bit worried fucking saying it because it's like, it's rough, the pub, the landlord's, you know,

the publican's rough and the publican goes him. The publican goes, you're not fucking chipping in and he goes, nah. He goes, what are you,

gay? And he goes, no. But then he goes, don't you want to see my daughter's tits? He goes, isn't your daughter stripping? he goes, no. But then he goes, don't you want to see my daughter's tits? He goes, isn't your daughter stripping?

He goes, yeah, she's got to fucking earn money somehow. Like, oh my God. She could work at a bar maybe. Yeah, yeah.

Jeez. Where was his pub? Like, out, Footscray. So I don't know if that guy's really, like, weird, or if that's, like, a real progressive...

A typical fucking nepo baby. Just getting that sweet stripping job because her dad owns a bar. It's like, I do like that it's what you lead with. What are you, gay? No, no, I'm the other one. I'm the answer to the second question. Don't you want to see my daughter's tits? No.

Okay. Yeah, I'm gay. That's the easy one. Yeah, I'm the other one. I'm the answer to the second question. Don't you want to see my daughter's tits? No. Okay. Yeah, I'm gay. That's the easy one. Yeah, I'm gay. All right, you got me. I'll choose gay. I'd rather be that one. Thank you.

You choose gay. All right, well. Anyway, so happen and see out there in Footscray. Get out there. Do a bit of bar crawling. Beautifully gentrified. It's good stuff. Nazeem can buy another investment property out there. Maybe I'll be living there in the future. Buy a pub out there instead of bit of bar crawling beautifully gentrified Nazeem can buy another investment property

out there maybe I'll be living there buy a pub out there instead of buying another

house I'm saving up guys he's got his toe in the water with Christmas soon he'll

be getting maggot in a pub that's how it starts next I'll be working KFC

we get you in early with Santa then you find out it's not real and you're like

well I've got to forget all this. Go on, go on, go on. Beep, beep. Then your daughter grows up and whatever next. Got bills to pay. Whatever you want to do next. All right. Nick Cody, Nazeem Hussain, thank you very much for joining us.

It's hard. Every story was fucked. What a start to the year, hey? What a start to your life. I can't believe I'm saying this. Let's go back to the woman with no legs. Offending Christians felt better. Cody, you're on the radio every morning.

Every bloody morning. Yeah, but the podcast mid-flight brawl yep get around us we've got a show live show Melbourne Jan 28 great

you probably if you hadn't heard of the pod it'd be pretty brazen just to come to a live show yeah but you tell them it's about people fighting in the sky yeah

yeah we've got live shows coming up as well we've got live shows Nazeem I've got a book called Hilarious Hyena oh yeah

it's about a hyena It's not how you spell hilarious It's well I'm intentionally rebellious I'll break the rules It's in the bookshelf right there I gave you this book as a gift Thanks man Next week still there

By the way It's the only book It's sitting underneath all of Don't Say Your Name's DVDs. Hold on. Begin Again, Pretty in Pink. The saddest DVD, I think, hands down there. I know, I know. Here we go.

I know the angle. What do you reckon? I know the angle. What are you going to guess and why? I know what you're going to say. You're going to say the Liverpool season review because it's this year's one. I've bought a DVD this year. This year?

That's exactly it. Yes. Got down to brashers. Is it in yet? I don't know. I put it on the big screen. It's in yet. It's not on.

I can review in Stack Magazine. It's not online and I want to watch it on the big screen. You've got a few live at the Malthouse. I do. We make sure that, yeah. That's the new DVD, so yeah. We've been watching Liverpool. It's all widescreen.

Yeah. Can we get Liverpool highlights in 4-3 ratio? When's the beta coming in? All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. I just noticed my wife's been outside with our baby waiting for this to finish. So, the end.

And they've done it again. Wow. The first, again, the first It for 2023. Yeah. Huge. Happy New Year, everyone. To do It again so close into 2023, it bodes well for the rest of the year. Absolutely.

Going to be a banner year for content if this is anything to go by. I mean, look, I don't think it's early enough to say this is the best of the year so far, especially when we haven't recorded it yet. We're doing this first. And also, in real terms, as we're recording this, we're not even in 2023 yet. That's right. Crazy. Yeah.

Behind the curtain. Whoa. Behind the curtain. Yeah. Look, hopefully that was a good ep. We're recording this in Tommy's house right now. We're going to take off and record the guts

of it in my house soon. I just had a little bit of a delay then. I had a missed call from my mum and they're at the age where I have to reply immediately because it might be serious. Good news. Dad's not dead though, everyone.

I had a big fight with my parents in 2022 about them not informing me about medical things until well down the line. And me saying, hey, I know you think you don't want to burden me, but I'm an only child. It's just me. You're getting older. I need to be across this stuff. I can't not know about what's going on. I have similar arguments with my parents that live in the middle of a farm in the middle of nowhere, well into their 70s. Oh, is this a sustainable idea, is it?

We don't want to talk about that. No worries. I guess I'll just talk to the ambulance when i'm two and a half hours away from you yeah i i may have i don't know i may have talked about it in uh in this episode that people just heard but it's uh yeah it's been a it's been a bit of a year for uh yeah really realizing with my parents in regards to health stuff like yep it's all it's all starting to happen. It's all ramping up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Yeah, fun. Fun things. Yes. It's a funny old life. Yes. But of course, we need to look forward to the future. Yes. And touring and getting out there and doing live performances.

That's right. We are, like we said, like the announcer said at the top of the show, we're heading back to Adelaide. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's happening. It's happening. So get your tickets, you know, get them quick. As you know, sales fast over there.

You don't want to miss out. Absolutely. That's right. Another couple of months worth of this sort of stuff. I'm also doing my solo show there for a week. I'm in a 20 seat room Wow So let's see if I can sell any fucking tickets to that

Wow Jesus Christ The person who runs the venue being like I'm sorry this is all I've really like Oh this is all I've got Me being like I can't see that being an issue In fact I'm wrapped I would be more annoyed if I was in a bigger room

To be quite honest with you Wow Well I was in a bigger room, to be quite honest with you. Wow. Well, we are in a bigger room than that. We're in the usual. We're at the Rhino Room. Yeah. So it is a decent-sized room to fill up. So Adelaide, you know what to do.

Ignore us for two months. But if you could not do that, if you could get on it early, that would really help us out this time. Because post-COVID, a little bit more worrying than usual. But look, you always get there. So if you could get there in a little bit more of a hurry this time, that would be great. Yeah, we'd appreciate that a lot. We do love doing the shows once we get there.

We love the town of Adelaide. We love the Fringe Festival. We love the food over there. Yeah, always a great time. My girlfriend came for the first time last year to Adelaide. Had never been before. And obviously, you get a very filtered view when you go in the Fringe. But she absolutely loved it.

Yeah, yeah. And she's coming back for a little longer this time. It was. And hey, look. If we're not selling, we're on at a time where we don't clash with anything else in that venue. Yep. So, hey, I could put in a word and get us moved into that 20 seat room that I would have been performing in. That's not a bad idea.

That's not a bad idea. If the numbers aren't there, just go on. All right. Let's change it. We're playing the 20 seater now. We're playing the 20 seater. And then when we sell more than 20 tickets, God willing. By popular demand.

By popular demand, we have to move into a bigger room. Right. Let's call Egan. That's it. Let's do it. That's it. We're in the 20 seater. All right. That's the new plan. We're in the 20 seater. Man, I can't wait. All a bigger room. Right. Let's call Egan. That's it. Let's do it. That's it. All right.

That's the new plan. We're in the 20-seater. Man, I can't wait. All of a sudden. Yeah. This has flipped it for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of dreading all the sales reports, I'm looking forward to selling this thing out.

Man, like I said, I've never had a bigger gap between someone pitching something to me and how bad they feel about it and my response being so like, I can't wait to just do a gig. It's like, you know what I mean? It's like the first time I'm doing the show, I'm working it out. It's intimate. It's like no pressure. A quarter of the crowd is going to be on the stage. Yeah. Us and three guests.

That's going to be a fucking packed room. We'll outnumber them. If the gig goes badly and it comes to fisticuffs, I'm not feeling too bad about our chances of being able to take on the crowd. Yeah. We're above them. We've got a longer reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, great. So get onto that. And then, of course. Before it sells out, guys, tickets are very limited all of a sudden, as of a minute ago. Boutique. And then, of course, Melbourne, April 1, 8, 15, 22. That's it.

And the supplementaries are... Wow. 4.30? 4.30, that's right. In the afternoon? 4.30 in the afternoon. Saturday afternoons. Doesn't clash with anything else,

which means we have, you know, potentially some great guests because they don't have a show on at the same time. So you know what we like. Trust us. Always great guests. Always great fun times. Yeah.

Get on all that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets. Hey, while you're there, you can find a link to our Patreon. Or you can just go there direct. Cut out the middleman. Don't give any money to the webmasters at LittleDumbDumbClub.com when you click on that link. Go direct.

Patreon.com slash Littleledumbdumbclub. Do that if you want to. If you're the sort of person who likes to take control of your own life and type in your own URLs instead of being a sheep who just follows a link. Not have to click through too many times because that puts people off. But, hey, if you do go to our website, we do have T-shirts on sale. You can go there. We've sold a few lately.

There's been a bit of a gap. I think it felt like everyone had got a bit t-shirted out but lately had to do a few post office runs. So it's nice to go back and talk to the bloke up there, the Thai post office guy who every time I walk in

is obsessed with talking to me about everything to do with Liverpool. That's great. So I haven't talked for a while. And I actually went in there the other weekend because it had been so long. Because I've just been posting stuff out. I've got all the postpacks. They're at home. I haven't had to buy a bunch for ages.

And so I felt like there was a little bit of an ex-girlfriend thing going on. I hadn't been in to talk to him for a long time. He's a bit shitty. And I was like, oh, Liverpool kicking off tomorrow morning, whatever. He's like, mm. Mm. Really? He's thinking you found a younger, sexier post office.

Yeah. Yeah, interesting. It wasn't wrapped with me, but anyway, I'm trying to get back into it anyway. Getting into his good books. Yeah. But of course, yeah, get onto the Patreon and support the show. You get two bonus mini episodes every goddamn week,

and perhaps more impressively, you go into the draw to get two bonus mini episodes every goddamn week and perhaps more impressively you go into the drawer to get your name read out and immortalized at the end of an episode of the little dum-dum club immortalized in the god damn brian hall of fame yeah sounds about right whatever um great bonus episodes we just did a couple uh if you listened to last week's episode we did the top five of 2022 in the bonus episodes that just come out you got six to 11 yeah you found out who what the other episodes were and we riffed all around that and it was very fun we've been riffing all morning yep um all right let's crack into it and let's um let's indiana jones style this let's um try and get this under the cave wall closing.

Slide sideways under it, Raiders of the Lost Ark style, before lunch closes at the pub. Oh, you want to get a little... You want to go to the... Do you reckon I can do that? Do you reckon I've got time to do that between this and the next episode we're about to record? We've got two and a quarter hours

until we're meant to be recording. Oh, yeah, fuck, we've got ages. I think we're about to record. We've got two and a quarter hours until we're meant to be recording. Oh, yeah. Fuck, we've got ages. I think we've got enough time. Yeah, but we don't have enough time for the pub kitchen. It closes in 45 minutes. Sure.

Well, I'll tell you what's not helping. This chat. Ironically enough, sidelined by the very thing that we were talking about. Well, there's another minute go by. So thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week.

Thank you to David Whiteley. Okay. Yes. Okay. Not David White. David Whiteley. Yeah. So not white-ish.

No. Not white-esque. Whiteley. Not whitey. Whiteley. There's an artist, Brett Whiteley, who I had a friend in primary school who had kind of light, curly, buffy hair. And he would come around and my dad would be like, get a load of Brett Whiteley here. Great.

It's just like eight-year-old being like yes what the fuck are you talking about yeah a guy an australian painter a bit abstracty that died in the fucking late 80s or something i don't even i've just realized after all the years of hearing my dad make that reference i don't even know what this cunny looks like so i'm just ah there we go yeah you know what he does look a lot like my friend jeremy good, good call. You're spot on, Dad. Good call. When did he die? He died quite a long time ago, so it would be... Yeah, it's not a very topical reference. I'm going to look this kid up on Facebook

and see if he's still rocking the Brett Whiteley hair. Let's have a look. Brett Whiteley died in 92. He had an Order of Australia. I mean, he must have... He's a bit Harpo Mark style. He must have just died when Dad was making those references.

Yeah, yeah. That's probably why he thought that was a topical reference at the time. Alright. I don't know. It's such a common name. I'm not going to find this guy. And also, the first thing that comes up

is a memorial page. Oh. I don't care to venture in and work out if that's the same guy. Killed himself thanks to relentless bullying relating to Australian fine art. Some old cunt.

Walked into the National Gallery and copped it again and went, I'm no longer fit for this life. That's it. I'm out of here. Yep, yep, yep. I mean, that would be cool if you looked enough like a famous artist.

Yeah, just go into the NGV and just hang out. Yeah. Just hang out next to some of the pieces. I meant to take this one home actually, guys. Can I grab this one?

I sent the wrong one in. I didn't mean to donate this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was an accident. I meant to give you a different one. So if I can just... No, you've got this one before I finished it. Yeah yeah can i just bring this home for another coat and i'll bring

it in tomorrow i went to uh you can it can dry on the wall yeah yeah if you can ask people not to touch it when they come in every day that'd be great i went to the picasso exhibition right near the end of it on like a sunday morning worst time to go so crowded full of fucking irritating people like you just just overhearing the most banal conversation like i heard one woman just standing there looking at one of the pieces going he's talented isn't he oh you reckon you reckon picasso is good at, do you? Fuck my ass. That is a very good concept. Overheard at the gallery. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. People that don't know anything about art, but what is there to fucking know, I guess? I just was like, I could go on like a Wednesday afternoon when there's no one here. Why have I chosen to come at the most crowded point in time? But yeah, I mean, if you're going to Oslo Davis it and just get some sweet overheard action, then that becomes its whole other thing. I mean, we've technically been an artwork in the NGV. Remember that?

Oh, yeah. We have too. And along with Lawrence Mooney and his dick. Oh, no, no. That's the museum. Oh, it, no. That's the museum. Oh, it's the museum. Yeah. Okay, fair enough.

But we should try and get a gig up in the museum. We should just try and do like all the major like kind of tourist trappy venues. Hey, when we, so we're at your house. We're recording at your house right now. This is Talking Dumb Dumb. Yep. Just to remind people at home and to remind us because we're in the middle of recording a fucking heap of things.

This is the, like, fourth thing we've done or something and I truly am starting to lose track. Yep. So that's why I'm saying it out loud.

Yeah. This is where we are. Yeah. We're in Melbourne. This is the ep, for the ep that we haven't done yet. Yep. So,

what is the plan? Are you gonna, are we gonna drive together to my house? Or am I, am going to take off early? I PT'd. Oh, yeah. I'm happy to PT back.

I don't know whether we'll have time, there'll be a gap, or whether we just go together or how it works. Would you be happy to PT back if you knew that I was driving? I don't mind. Depends what the hours are like. If there's another hour and you go I'm not going over there and wait for an hour

or 45 minutes oh I see what you're saying like I'll sit here let's go get something to eat and then we'll drive over great because you know what

well you know what you might need to be part of and which will kill a little bit of time is I finally have a I'm about to pick up a piece of artwork

for my wall. Oh. So there's nothing on my walls at all. Yep. Still, we've been living in that house for six years or something like that. Nothing on the walls. Yep.

I have got a bit of artwork for the wall. Okay. And artwork's a stretch, but still. Okay. It is my wife complaining about it as well, and me going, all right, I'm in charge of it. I'm doing it. Okay, no worries.

So straight to Google Images, Koh Samui Beach. Oh, my God. Sent it to Officeworks. Oh, God. And they've just printed it out and framed it, and I'm about to go and pick that up on the way home. I thought the end of this was going to be that you had bought online a painting from my recent exhibition. No. And you were like, can you drop me off at the gallery so I and pick that up on the way home. I thought the end of this was going to be that you had bought online a painting from my recent exhibition.

No. And you were like, can you drop me off at the gallery so I can pick it up? If you had done that without me knowing and then you make me give you a lift to get it, it would be great. That'd be good if I was, yeah, if I'm like, yeah, just, that's all part of the service, isn't it? I paid this much. I don't want to fucking carry it.

I should get a lift to the place. It's like a pizza place, isn't it? Yeah. Like, it gets delivered. And while it's being delivered, can I hop in too? So you've got it printed off there and then you're going to, what, get like a nice frame for it? Or are you just going to blue tack it to the wall? No.

Like a uni share house. It's been like a page three pin-up. No, it's been framed at Officeworks, I believe. Cool. Yeah. Oh, they do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My girlfriend has...

But you know what I'm worried about is that I sent it and then thought, fuck, it's getting printed pretty big. Did I... It's going to look like shit. Yeah. If it's just you've gotten it from Google Images, it's going to look awful. I pumped up the resolution a bit. Getty.

Yeah. Watermarked. Yeah. Framed hanging on your wall. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not paying for the copyright for that I'm just going to blow it up

and frame it and spend all my money framing it and then it looked like shit no I've blown it up but then at the end I was like fuck did I blow up enough

so I might I've already said to Don't Say Your Name I've already said it's going to be one of those things where we can put it at the end of the bed and we can just look from in bed

and not get too close to it yeah yeah yeah right right that we'll see my girlfriend has a story where she was dating a guy and he lived in a share house and we could just look from in bed and not get too close to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. That we'll see. My girlfriend has a story where she was dating a guy and he lived in a share house and they had just nothing on the walls. And so she, for Christmas or a birthday or something, she bought him a nice frame and then gave him some money

and said like, hey, you know, here's some suggestions of places you could go get a nice piece. Here's a frame, you know, get something nice for the wall of the house. Pretty cool gift gift I thought and then she said the next time she went around there in the frame they'd just gotten

that like just a poster of Bill Murray right so like men are idiots yeah great yeah

alright well thanks Brett Whiteley thanks David Brett Whiteley thank you very much to patient subscriber Joe Tompkins. Okay. Joe J-O.

Joanne Tompkins. The fairer sex, I would assume. Tompkins. What does that mean? What's the origin? Men are the unfairer of sex, I assume. I guess. Yeah.

Fairer. I don't know. It was always a thing to say. I don't know. Fairer means... I mean, in that context, fairer would mean more lighter. Yeah. Yeah.

And I guess lighter lends itself to... I don't know. It vaguely makes sense. It's a battle, isn't it? It vaguely makes sense. I'm sorry to fucking do this again, folks, but it's getting near lunchtime. I'm not talking about lunch. All right.

I'm looking up Joe Tompkins. Okay. But very... What's happening? Well, the profile pic is of a bloke with a baby. Nice. Maybe it's the baby. Well, I don't think it is.

Joanne Tompkins, the little baby. It is a bloke. Okay. Joe Tompkins updated his cover photo. Joe J-O. And what's his name? J-O. I don't think I even... I don't think I've heard of a male

I quite like it A male Joe Yeah, I quite like it J-O Yeah Wow Jojo I always thought that was

J-O was always short for Joanne Yeah But this is short for J-O-E Yeah He's abbreviated J-O-E Cut me off But you don't need it I like J-O

It just looks It looks cooler It's confused me J-O-E. Cut me off, but you don't need it. I like J-O. It just looks cooler. It's confused me. J-O, short for Joe. It's Joe, you know, short for Joe. No, maybe, I mean, J-O. Maybe it's short for jacking off. Jacking off Tompkins.

I would say not, but happy to roll with it. I think so. Okay. I'd love it if you went along with it for the purposes of comedy. Okay. If it pleased the court. I'm on board. I'm back.

I now believe that that is what it is. Jacking off Tompkins. Jacking off Tompkins. Short for Joe. No, it's short for jacking off. See, this is fun. Look, I was going to say, he's got a baby in the profile pic, so I'm thinking there's not as much jacking off going on there.

It hasn't been wasted. You mean to tell me it takes a significant nosedive once a kid is in the equation? No, I'm saying that most of it has been going to creating the kid rather than wasting. Spilling his seed. Instead of just doing it out the window. I mean, he could have had a few pumps to kind of get himself going

and then do the insertion. Okay. You know a little... Oh, God. You know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? A bit of warm-up.

You've got to fucking meet me halfway here. I'm with you. I'm not against you. I'm not against you. There was no negative coming from me that time. This is meant to be a partnership. I get it. If I say that he's whacking his dick before he had sex with his wife,

you'll go along with it and you'll damn well like it. Yes, and he has been jacking it up and whacking it up a pussy. Please, sir, may I have some more? Yes. Yes. Thank you. Agreed. Joe Tompkins.

Well, congratulations, Joe Tompkins, on the announcement in this feed, on the new nickname, on the new nickname, on the new explanation of your first name. Absolutely. And thirdly, on your child. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the support.

Yeah. In his profile pic, he's holding his baby, and I can't help but notice that the kid's got no top on, but has got pants on. So just... A bit weird. Yeah. Is that a little bit weird?

Lid off. Yeah. Just a hot day. The dad's got a top on. Baby hasn't. Baby's gone, no. A bit warm for me today. Yeah.

Dad's gone a bit chilly. The classic argument. Yeah. Well, thanks, Joe. Well, thanks, Joe. Well, thanks. Thanks. Well,

another abbreviation, if I can just call you Jack, short for, you know, jacking off, which was short for Joe. Yeah. Yeah.

Please call me Jack. Short for jacking off. Yeah. Which is what Joe is abbreviating. Yeah. Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Jack Joe is abbreviating. Yeah. Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Jack.

Thanks, Jackie. Thank you very much, too. See, that was a short one, but I think we packed a lot into that one. They don't have to go for 10 minutes if you nail it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You don't need a big run up. It's like a one-inch punch, that was.

Right. No, totally. Boom. Straight in. The guy's knocked out. We did it. It's quality or it's quantity. It's never both. Yeah, totally. Boom. Straight in. The guy's knocked out. We did it. It's quality or it's quantity. It's never both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why swim around when you've already got to shore? Exactly. If you... Yeah. Sure. Go back in. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber David Bolton. Lord Bolton. I'm going to... It seems like a name I've read over and over on the socials or here, and I am going back to just triple-check that we've not read his name out, but that's not the case. It's only familiar to me because me and the Misso have been going through Game of Thrones, and there's a family in that called the Boltons,

so I've been hearing Bolton blaring out of the TV pretty frequently. But I don't recall seeing this name on the socials or hearing it in this Patreon. You don't recall this Bolton in Game of Thrones talking about signing up to our Patreon? You don't recall that? Ye olde Patreon. You don't recall that? No. I don't recall it coming up.

No. I recall him catching a guy and torturing him. Right. Pretty cool. recall it coming up. No. I recall him catching a guy and torturing him. Right.

Pretty cool. I hope he wasn't part of the Red Wedding or whatever it was where everyone gets killed and then we would have lost a Patreon subscriber. I tell you what,

that Red Wedding, even knowing that it was coming, still fucking got me. I've never watched an episode. It is. That'd be the one, the only thing I know about Game of Thrones is

everyone gets killed all the time and the term Red Wedding. Yeah, so there's an episode where like I knew, you know, I knew it was coming. So the only thing I know about Game of Thrones is everyone gets killed all the time and the term Red Wedding. Yeah. So there's an episode where I knew it was coming. I knew what happened in that episode, but it still snuck up on me. I was like, that is truly damn good television to know what's coming and still be surprised by it. It's a hell of an episode.

Okay. There's a character in the show and just fast, if you don't want Game of Thrones spoilers, then just fast forward. There's a character in it who gets captured by Lord Bolton and basically tortured. He cuts his dick off. He keeps him in a cage, and then he basically has him trained as a little dog,

and he changes his name to Reek. He starts calling him Reek as his little pet. And so I started a bit where I started calling our dog Reek and my girlfriend hated it. And I was like, it's the same thing. We took him away from his family. We cut part of his genitals off. We keep him in a cage and we train him as our little pet.

He's Reek. And she's like, I hate this. Please stop calling our dog Reek. Reekie. Little Reek. Reekie. Reek. He'sie. Little Reek. Reekie. Reek. He's asleep right now and he's starting to stir because he's answering to his new name.

He's dreaming. He's doing the little dog twitches. Little REMs. He's imagining himself running or something. What about this REM? Speaking of REM, they are a band. Yes. Who were a big band.

Thank you for going with me. Correct. See, this is how it starts. Thanks for not fighting. Oh, no. REM aren't a band. Yes. We're a big band. Thank you for going with me. Correct. This is how it starts. Thanks for not fighting. Oh, no. I already am on a band. That's a thing to do with sleep patterns, actually. I reckon they're the biggest band that no one says, oh, they should get back together.

You don't think people think they should get back together? I don't think they do. I don't think anyone does. I don't think there's any demand for it. I don't think anyone ever says it. Don't you think they do. I don't think anyone does. I don't think there's any demand for it. I don't think anyone ever says it. Don't you think? Yeah. Every band that's apart, people go, oh, they should get back together.

I don't reckon anyone says that about REM. I don't think anyone misses REM. That's a good, yeah, that's interesting. Let us know if you listen and you think that. Speaking of bands that will not get back together, I am going, in a week's time when people are hearing this to my first ever cover band what your first ever i've never i've never like been to see a cover band i've never like paid to see i've never seen advertised like a cover band of a band oh wait i know who you're going to see yeah i know who it is do Do you? Yes. It is Talking Heads.

I can't wait. Right. I can't fucking wait. Talking Heads at the Corner Hotel. Yeah. I did see a sign for that because I love any cover band that advertises big band posters and they go Talking Heads and then you see them very little type V and experience. It's funny because they don't even they don't have like

a joke name or anything I think the band I think the band might be called Once in a Lifetime yeah and it's very very small type yeah

you see it from the road like they're genuinely trying to do it you see it from the road you're driving past you see Talking Heads at the Corner Hotel

and you go oh they're back together and they're playing the Corner Hotel man I don't I'm so excited like I love Stop Making Sense

I think it's like maybe the best like live performance of any band ever and when I listen to it I'm like god damn this would have been so good to see live

I think they play like three sets this cover band I'm fucking pumped I can't wait there was when I was in Perth for Christmas in I think 2020

we came back the day of New Year's Eve. So we flew back on the 31st and we were in Fremantle and they were advertising a, on New Year's Eve on the beach at Fremantle, there was going to be a Jamiroquai cover band. And there was a point, because we'd been having such a good time. The weather was so good. We'd just been going to the beach every day. We were already like, ah, fuck, should we go back to Melbourne? Should we maybe just have New Year's Eve here? And then I saw that and I was like, God, this would be fucking awesome.

Let's stay. And then my girlfriend was like, I would not go to that with you. I'm like, oh, well, let's fucking go back there. Right. Well, you saw a cover band just the other week. You saw the Ween cover band called Weender. Weender. They were at Nick Capper's birthday party.

Oh, great. It was a. Weander. They were at Nick Capper's birthday party. Oh, great. It was a surprise little, surprise party and surprise booking of them. They did a great bit, I thought, where they had set lists kind of printed out that were on all the tables. And it was all like, Nick's birthday bash band. And it was all like, the set list was like, whatever, brown-eyed girl and just like, very, Nick's birthday bash band. And it was all like the set list was like whatever, Brown Eyed Girl and just like very like rock around the clock. Yeah, just classic like jukebox rock hits. And they started up playing.

Did they start playing? Yeah. They started playing Summer of 69. They started one of them and got halfway through and stopped and went, just kidding. Yeah. That was sick. I think that's funny but the

way they did it i thought was weird in that they over egged it and were like they put the set list everywhere i was like what band yeah what that's the fucking set right right right who does that it did give up the ghost a little bit but uh but hey very on brand for a ween cover band to do something kind of weirdly if i if i had have done it it would have been you just play it without the set list you just go right we're a cover band whatever but then also when they stopped they then stopped to go all right we're not playing that song anymore because we are a ween cover band instead so now we are going to play some ween songs it's like just cut the song in half and start playing yeahoodoo Lady or Push the Little Daisies.

And then watch Kappa go, what the fuck is going on? They killed it. I'm not really a Wayne fan, but they were great. They were great. I've seen them with Kappa. I've seen them three times now. Great. Yeah.

It was a great idea by Kappa's fiance. And also, when it got to brass tacks, it's like, you go, fuck, this is actually a great idea by Kappa's fiance and also when it got to like brass tax it's like you go fuck this is actually a good idea it was like

how much do they cost it was like this much it was like that's a pretty affordable like that's a pretty good to get them to play yeah

private party yeah cool it's like if you were really into a band that's that's a pretty good deal cool

yeah doable maybe my partner will be doing this for me with this Talking Heads cover band for my 40th in three years' time. Yes. Well, thanks, David Bolton. Thanks, David. We were still up to him, weren't we? Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Bolton. Thanks, Boltons. David's Boltons. Thanks, David Fake Tits. Yeah. Thanks, I presume you live in the Gold Coast. David's Boltons. Thanks, David Fake Tits. Yeah, thanks, I presume you live in the Gold Coast, David's bolt-ons.

Thanks, David Big Mummy Milkers. Thanks, thanks, David Rock Hard Titties. Not jiggling. Leathery decolletage, as Lawrence Moody would say. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Charlotte

Gupta. Gupta. G-U-P-T-A. Gupta. Okay. Gupta. Yeah. G-U-P-T-A. Gupta. Gupta. Yeah.

Okay. That's a clash there, isn't it? There's a clash of cultures happening. It sure is. That is a very old school, that's like an 1800s English little women name versus not that. Yep. It's the name of a family friend of ours who I need a place. We need a place to live for a couple of months.

We're getting kicked out of here while they do some work. Wow. Real pain in the ass. Wow. And this friend of my parents I happen to know own an apartment that's empty. So I called them and i said hey would you maybe lease it to us and they went oh well think about it and get back to you that was three months ago and i haven't heard a damn thing you know what it's like you can't push it but it's like

this house it's just it's empty we need somewhere to live and you've got an empty house that we're offering you money for what's the holdup yeah also if you don't want to do it just and i like on the phone i was like totally fine if it's not okay completely understand you don't have to feel guilty i know it's a big ask da da da just like nah we're just gonna fresh air this guy i love it where is it where's the apartment it's in like south Yarra. Right. So. This affects the show.

Like where are we recording? Well, I think, again, I may have talked about it in, wait, what are we recording again? Talking Dum Dum. Talking Dum Dum for Nazeem and Cody. I may have talked about it on this episode. But we found a, yeah, we found a place to live. Okay. All right. All right.

No further questions. No further questions about a thing you've already heard about. an hour ago. But, but yeah, that's,

that's my, that's my family friend, Charlotte. Her parent, her parent fucking did me dirty. Yeah, right.

The old, yeah, my parents own a beach house. Sorry,ard um but they uh they early days they rented it out and then it was just too much of a pain in the ass so yeah fuck this but now it's sort of like a long time later like i'll say to them you should rent it out you know you should airbnb you should whatever and they're like nah that was too much hassle so no you were doing it when it was a fucking waste of time like 15 years ago or something if you did it now like it's all i think it's all a lot different

like you know you got to get cleaners in you got to do whatever yeah and it's like it's a fucking beach house like if you just do it like they don't they don't go down there that much get on airbnb and then like hire someone who lives in the area to do the key drop-off and the cleaning. Give them a cut. Money just rolls in. Easy stuff. They're crazy.

Yeah. You'll be able to appreciate this. I don't know how this came on my radar, but I've started following an account on Instagram called Cheap Houses of Japan. And it's just all real estate over there. It's these like great little houses that are like 40k just like crazily cheap and i keep going like i'm gonna do

it i'm gonna buy property in japan and then just like stay there when i go once a year and just airbnb it the rest of the time i genuinely like it keeps coming up and it's like mostly because it's like this is so cheap yeah to own a fucking house in a great country. This is crazy. Do they have the ruling like the same thing that's always stopped me with the Thailand stuff of 51% has got to be owned by someone from Thailand. They don't have that. Nope.

You can. Yeah. Me and a friend were both looking into it. This admittedly was mid lockdown, but we were like every day we were like talking about it more and more and more. And yeah, you,

you can, you can own it, but it's like, they're very clear that like, this doesn't, this doesn't grant you like citizenship or any kind of like visa exemption or anything like that. Yeah.

So you still can only stay for like a month at a time. Like just because you own the place, you know, this isn't like a, this isn't like a cheat code to just being able to like do whatever you want in japan yeah but yeah you can you can fucking buy the property for sure yeah pretty cool that would be cool uh just popping down the beach house yeah in osaka just uh i'll be there in nine hours just you flying over over to osaka to interview some new tenants some uh i'm going over every time there's a new person staying there

to do the key drop-off. Yeah, to do the... Someone's moving in that's going to Japan TAFE. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You own a share house. Yep, yep. They've got the posters with no framing stuck on the wall. Posters of Qbert on the wall um posters of um cubert yeah on the wall well as like yeah as a lot of people

were doing in lockdown me and this friend it was like we would get we were looking at ones that were like super run down and we were like what if we get this for a steal and then we go next like summer like japanese summer our winter when we're out of lockdown we'll go over there for like a month and we'll just we'll a month and we'll just live there and spend some time like fixing up this house. Go do the touristy stuff but just like have this project where we're like hanging out, like drinking beers, like cleaning up this house.

How awesome is that going to be? And then it's like you get out of lockdown. It's like, I'm not doing that. Yeah. Yeah, the spell's been broken. An incredibly unrealistic view of how you can live your life at 36. The spell's broken. Yeah, you're out.

Well, thanks, Charlotte Gupta. Thanks, Gupta. If we just do one more now, we've got time to pack up here, walk down to the pub and order before they... Get in before that wily chef slams the door shut on us. Before the iron curtain closes down there. They've slammed that kitchen door in my face too many times. All right, let's just do one more.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... Oh. Oh. Wow, I did think it was weird before, but that's been confirmed where it's actually a thing. Okay, that is a name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jacking Off Comedy. Oh, yes.

Okay. Yeah. I thought that was a bit stupid. Maybe that guy could have taken offense, but that's a legitimate name. That's it. It's like we're getting validated. We've actually got two of them out of five. That's actually very weird.

Yeah, it is strange. A lot of weird things happen in these Patreon raids. It's a crazy time of year. I should be used to it by now, but still surprises still pop up. Absolutely. Smack me in the face. Well, guys, happy 2023,

and thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.