The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 642 - Dave Warneke, Matt Stewart & Jess Perkins (from Do Go On)

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

We're back with our old pals DAVE WARNEKE, MATT STEWART and JESS PERKINS! It's been over a year in the making, but it's worth the wait, as we get to tease Dave for a solid twenty minutes for getting food poisoning at the cinema. Chando's wondering what happened to the chef at his kids daycare, Tommy's gotten in trouble after doing comedy at a high school, there's more Bangkok follow-up action PLUS Warneke has a crazy link to the podcast! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Dave Warnicke, Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins from Do Go On. If you want to see us do this podcast live and you live in Adelaide in Melbourne, well guess what? You're in luck, aren't you Carl? You're very lucky. You're a lucky little boy. Adelaide, we're heading for you on March 11, 2.30pm in the afternoon. Nice easy time for you to come along and still have something else to do on a weekend. Then Melbourne, we hit you in April 1, 8, 15th and 22nd of April, 4.30pm in at Morris House, near European Beer Cafe. Check all that out. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for your tickets.

That's where you can also sign up to the Patreon. You get two bonus mini episodes per week and you go into the drawer to get your name read out on the show, which might be happening for you at the end of this episode. We'll talk to you in a bit, but until then, enjoy this great new episode with the folks from Do Go On. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good evening again. And joining us today, we have not one, not two, but three very special guests. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave Warnicke, Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart From Do Go On, the podcast How good is it to be alive? So good to be here This is rare, isn't it, that you have three?

Oh yeah But at the same point, we've tried to organise this podcast Oh, we know Multiple times, maybe four times And each time one of the three of us wasn't available and you said not good enough. Yet somehow you three all managed to get time to do your own podcast everywhere.

But just for us, there's always one down. We're kind of hoping this goes terribly so we never have to try and organise this again. Yeah, yeah. I reckon we're coming up on a year of trying to schedule this. Yes. I reckon we started trying to do it before Comedy Festival last year. And then afterwards it was like, when are you guys all free next?

And you were like, what about October? Jesus Christ. But not only that, so we did do, for fans of both of us, we did do an episode of your podcast. Yes. And now Dave was sick for that. But so we all managed to do it together in the same office building. Now, I can't help but feel a little bit of at least unconscious bias.

I would say conscious bias, where we got to record that episode in a heavily soundproof professional studio. We're now doing this in the fucking shed for some reason. I'd like you to back these two episodes up. It's like the princess and the pea, I reckon, except there's a big old dog shit under one layer with this episode. Now, we're in some other fucking

echoey room. You haven't even fucking closed the windows and there's a train station next door. You couldn't be trying to make this sound more like shit. Matt was moments away from eating during the episode and we were like, can you just hold off on the bagel for like 50 minutes? That'd be great.

Are you trying to bring our podcast down in comparison? Like, so the listeners listen to your app and then our app and go, fuck the production quality

on Do Go On. It's way much better than this fucking malarkey. To be honest, we thought your listeners would hear a fantastic quality episode and go,

this just isn't right. Yeah. So you normally record it with the content. Exactly. We adapt the medium. That's right. Absolutely. Isn't this normally in Tommy's lounge room or something anyway? Yeah. So you normally record it. This doesn't match up with the content. Exactly. Adapt the medium. That's right. Absolutely.

Isn't this normally in Tommy's lounge room or something anyway? Yeah. Tommy doesn't have the window open next to a fucking train going by, does he? Isn't it your professional masturbatorium? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your wank room sounds better. We can hear that. Well, I've moved now.

When I lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment, it was the masturbatorium. It feels weird to call it that when it's now me living with my girlfriend we've never come up with a follow-up the mutual masturbatorium i thought would be would be nice that's nice a bit of alliteration what's the gaming room now isn't because you've got the gaming chair in there and you've got the the i got the pc yeah i got the rig so it's still sounding like a masturbatorium it's like yes yeah well i think i've i've i think it's I think it's the, what did I call it? Because you've got all your gaming stuff. You've got all your cartoon and comic book stuff.

The man-child cave. That's what I think it is. Yeah, the man-child cave, yeah. Well, my girlfriend's nephew is just obsessed with everything that's in that room. And one time I was in there, he came over and I was doing something on Zoom and I had the door closed and he was going crazy wanting to get in there and he was like banging on the door. He's 18, by the way.

And he started saying to my girlfriend, I want to go into Toby's playroom. So around our house it's called Toby's playroom. Can you get that as a sign on the door close? That's good. Backwards B. Yes. But, yeah, we've been trying to do this for a year,

and then last night a little notification came up of Matt Stewart posting in the group chat saying, guys, feeling a little COVID-y, and I just went, shut up, cunt. We are doing this. Come hell or high water. No, what I said was I've been a bit cooked this week, but I've been negative on the COVID test. Yep.

And you said, either way. We're doing it. We're doing it. That line, that positive line could have been as thick as you like. We could have tripped over that line on the way in, and we still would have been hit and record. I came very close to getting in a car accident on the way here. I thought, God, wouldn't that have been the perfect end?

What, to your life? Yeah, totally. Man, it was crazy. I was going through an intersection, and I'm just about to cross the intersection, and a second before, this car has just come hooning through it in the other direction, running a red light. And if I had been a few seconds earlier,

it would have wiped me out. And truly my last thought would have been, isn't this ironic? This is true Alanis Morissette style. I guess Matt got his way. Imagine if it turned out that I was in the other car. And we both messaged the chat at the same time, sorry, I've just been in an accident. And then who won?

Oh, Warnocky. Okay, he won. Well, you would have messaged. Tommy would have been dead. He would have been maybe messaging someone else first. And then we finally get through all that and then we reschedule again and then we have to pop up in the chat and go, guys, I'm sorry, the court case has come up. Me and Dave are going to be, you guys can meet us at the courthouse.

Maybe there's an echoey meeting room in there that we could do the episode. Yeah, why are we all putting our hands on the Bible before we hit record? What's this about? But for anyone listening who's a fan of both pods, you may have heard at the end of last year we did an episode of Do Go On. We plowed on regardless. Dave struck down by just what sounded like the most chronic diarrhea we were meant to record. It's heinous diarrhea.

Right. Painful. Painful. Yeah. Right. Wow. I never thought of diarrhea as painful because I thought the whole point of diarrhea is that it comes out quite easily. You haven't done it properly.

Oh, right. Okay. Which, as I said, when we came in here to do this, I said to Jess and Matt, God, if I'd cancelled the pod every time I had diarrhea, there'd be two episodes of the little Dumb Dumb Club out there instead of 600 and something. Have you somehow figured out a way to do like solid diarrhea or something? Absolutely. The most solid diarrhea you've ever seen. Wow. I don't think that's diarrhea. I think you're just

going to the toilet. My first shit. Something's happening. I can't come in. Something's gone terribly wrong. That is great. You would have seen this, Carl, when little kids, when they start shitting and they don't know what's happening

and they get that freaked out look on their face. Have you experienced that with your child? No, I think she figured it out pretty quick. Faster than I did. Straight out of the womb, dad's got her in classes. This is what's happening. We didn't go to sleep school. We went to shit school. We got it in classes now. This is what's happening. We didn't go to sleep school. We went to shit school.

So, yeah, we got it all worked out. But look, it's worth touching on the reason why you had diarrhea and why this episode didn't happen six months ago instead of now. This could have been our Christmas episode. Sliding doors, as it were. Not talking about the cheeks of your arsehole, but yeah. Something else. It was a sliding tacos moment.

Right. So Matt and I had done a gig in Sydney the night before and we had time to kill before the plane. So we went to the Gold Class Cinema Experience. You get to order expensive shit food. Must be nice. Literally shit food, yeah. This really is such a bougie comment.

Like, had a bit of time to kill, so went to Gold Class. That's not even a special occasion for me. It was the only section available. Okay, okay. All right. It's the only section where you're allowed to shit. Okay, all right. There's a hole in the chair.

I think we were the only people in the cinema, I reckon. Except for one other guy who we must have absolutely annoyed because we were laughing out loud so much. What were you watching? Schindler's List. Fuck, it's funny. Sophie's Choice, yeah. annoyed because we were laughing out loud so much what were you watching we were seeing this list sophie choice yeah pretty good what you gonna pick yeah it was great it was a violent night the christmas movie with santa is turns out to be like you know a badass killer okay it was supposed to be funny uh it was the most violent film I've ever seen, but in a funny way.

Yeah, it's meant to be funny. I think it was, I hope it was on purpose. We assumed it was. There was a scene where a kid was doing Home Alone, but for real. Like, you know, people falling on nails and shit like that. That's cool. But it's not for real. It's still in a movie.

Still like Home Alone. It was real. Carl, you were just looking through a window. Dave thinks every movie is a documentary. And I think it should get the Best Documentary Academy Award. It was incredible. So Santa is real after all that pain seems. And angry.

Right. Anyway, so we get there. There's time to order food. And I decide to roll the dice on fish tacos. Fish tacos. Because I love a fish taco at a Mexican establishment. Yeah. That's not where you were.

Was this a Mexican cinema? The woman behind the counter is wearing a sombrero, and I thought, all right. Old El Hoyt's. So in your mind, out the back of that Hoyt's snack bar, every day there's just an old fisherman cutting in. The big, like, waterproof overalls. The big net. bar. Every day there's just an old fisherman cutting in the big waterproof overalls, the big net.

Here's the catch of the day, lads. Fry it up. Was this Greater Union on the Bay? Was this a cinema renowned for its seafood? I don't know what I was thinking. Seafood. We were pretty close to the famous

bridge and all that up there. Yeah, that's right. Oh, the fish in the harbour, you know they'd be good. You know where the trawlers go by, Tommy. Yeah. Sitting on the roof of the opera house and just casting your line into the bay. Here comes dinner. The worst part is I took the first bite and it tasted sus.

Fantastic. But I paid $30. How many tacos did you get? Two? Three. $10 a taco. Damn. I had two at the start and thought, I'm not having that.

And we get to the end. I reckon there's 10 minutes left of the film and I thought, there's $10 worth of food here. I've left that out a little bit. That should be even better now. Let that sit. Now that it's warmed up. Was the logic like $10 per fish taco?

This must be really high-end fish. This isn't just some bottom barrel flake. This is like... And I was thinking maybe my palate just doesn't get it. Maybe it's like a fine wine. It just needs to age a little bit. Yeah, that's right. I'm too much of a cretin to appreciate.

This is a main problem. It's cinema fish taco. I should be swirling the fish taco around in my mouth. Are they like theming it? You know, is it just like straight up, it's on the menu, just fish taco? Or because it's a cinema, is it like a fish taco called Wanda or something like that? Oh, yes. Jaws the taco.

Yeah. Great. You're going to need a bigger tortilla. Yeah, yeah. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the bathroom. We found Nemo and we fried him up. I wish. That would have made me order two of them.

Yeah. So I'm glad that wasn't the case. So it was sus. And then, yeah, we came back to Melbourne. I went to bed. And then about 5 a.m. I got up and I thought, I'm not feeling good. I am not ready to record a podcast. And first of all, it was this weird thing.

Have you experienced this? Diarrhea, but it's out your mouth. Hang on. Shitting out the mouth. Let me look this up. And it was solid, But more like food. Yeah. Super weird.

Different colour. I'd ascribe everything as diarrhea. So yeah, anyway, had a bit of a vomit on the floor of the bedroom. Never great.

Didn't even make it to the butt, to the toot. Oh, wow. Straight on the floor. Wow. Yeah,

and I didn't make it to the toot ever. All day, shitting in the bedroom. Oh, wow. Now that I've done this. This is, I mean, this is a lesson for everyone out there. All day, shitting in the bedroom. Oh, wow. Now that I've done this.

This is a lesson for everyone out there. I've always thought the rule is you go to a steakhouse, you get the steak, you get the thing

they're renowned for. You go to Hoyt's, get a fucking chalk top or something. Yeah, what's wrong with

popcorn? Matt went to all that effort of getting the box and cutting the hole in the bottom of it. Meanwhile, you're

like, nah, I'm full from the fish taco. This popcorn does taste a bit fishy. What are my tacos? You had a meal, Matt? What did you eat? I had nachos.

You guys sound so hungry. You had time to kill. Why didn't you just go out for dinner? Yeah, we should have gone to a restaurant it was hot we just wanted the air conditioning I think was the main

thing we were after just a nice place to sit and gold class was a bonus we were happy with just seats but reclining seats

was awesome yeah yeah yeah and that really helped Dave I think just putting the legs up I think that helped getting the movement going for

the next day for later on yeah sw helped get the movement going for the next day. For later on. Yeah. Swirled the taco all throughout the body. Yeah. Right. Oh, yeah, let this be a lesson. And, hey, write in if you've ever sampled the fish taco at Hoyt's.

Which cinema? Which, like, specific? Oh, Sydney. What is that? It was in the city. Okay. The Hoyt's in the... Yeah, right in the middle of town.

Did you get on TripAdvisor afterwards to put in the review about... Slam them. Don't go for dinner at Hoyts. Did you contact the cinema at all? No, I didn't. What do you think? Is that my duty? Well, I mean, that's what people do when they get food poisoning from restaurants.

I don't know if Hoyts would take your feedback quite as seriously. Yeah. What did you expect? Yeah. I don't know if Hoyts would take your feedback quite as seriously. What did you expect? They'll just reply and go, oh my God, it's the guy who bought fish tacos at our cinema. The guy. Was the movie in the seat okay?

Good, then shut the fuck up. I actually dodged a bullet because I was due to go to the movies again last night. Oh, history repeating. I didn't want to tell you guys because I thought you would not be happy with the risk. And you couldn't trust yourself not to get there. Well, you did like days after you sent us a photo of you eating fish tacos again.

Yeah. Within days, he was back on it. That's like, you know, if you ever had like an experience when you were like 17 where you drank too much of one specific type of alcohol. Spent off double whey. That's it. I still can't do tequila.

Exactly. You can never go back. And I'm usually like that. I didn't have a Milo scoop shake for 15 years. What's a Milo scoop shake? It's a little chocolate ice cream. How did that make you sick? You were meant to be on WTF with Mark Maron the next day

and he had to cancel. So too many bad memories. To be honest after you saying that I'm so glad we're here and I didn't find out that you know we're at home

and you've gone to see Avatar 2 and ordered the beef madras or something I would have been legit pissed off oh the sag paneer I reckon they'll do that

pretty well here the worst meal I ever had at a gold class cinema was a curry what's what's beyond first world problems again but i just love i love

this insight into how wild they're starting to go at the snack bar because i like because i i don't really go to any i really only ever go to like the nova cinema because it's near my house and that's just like chalk tops and popcorn yeah but i did go to a village recently and my girlfriend got nachos and they're doing little burger sliders. I was like, who needs this? Stay in your goddamn way. Order this shit at the New Delhi fucking Brady Union, not in the Coburg one.

Yeah, they don't do any of these well either. I think that's the thing I've learned after quite a few attempts. I keep going all right one more chance yeah surely i mean look you're you're i'm risk adverse compared to you two obviously because i'm i'm like flipping it up whether i got the potato cake at mcdonald's i'm thinking oh i don't know if this will be any good yeah you guys are going in for fucking absolutely insane decisions well to me gold class is the fanciest restaurant I'll ever go to. Right.

Yeah. So I'm thinking if it's on their menu. Right. You're walking in there going, how come this place doesn't have a Michelin star? Yeah. This is literally Gold Star. I'm like, I can't believe I'm allowed in here. Yeah.

I'm just waiting to get booted out. I'm not even dressed up. I don't have my tux on. Yeah. I just don't understand any of this because I think like the movies and dinner, it's a classic combo. Yeah. You go to a movie, you hit the restaurant afterwards, you're discussing the movie, you're

getting a whole night out of it. And even what you're saying, Matt, you go to Gold Class. There's something I love about, you go to Gold Class and then you're just hitting the food court at Crown. You know, you're immediately going like ultra low class. Right. Straight after this very bougie outing. That to me is like the perfect evening where you're like, you're sitting there, you're

like, I'm still a man of the people. You know, I'm not above this. Also, I don't think a full meal goes together with watching something. It's like snacking goes together. Oh, you, nachos and you can't see them. It wasn't good. I didn't shit myself, but I did have food all over me by the end of it. Carved in slop.

Great. This is the fanciest restaurant I've ever gone to. Just carved in salsa. Yeah, I love this insight. I'd love if people could start sending us photos of your local cinema and if they're really going for it with the food options because this is all new to me. Fanciest option on the menu. Fanciest option on the cinema menu well it was riskiest riskiest riskiest yeah it's probably gonna be yeah the same thing yeah anything with a knife

and fork i think the curry that i had to eat once it arrived yeah and i couldn't see it and i'm like fumbling around for the four. And the little table isn't in front of you either. It's like off to the side. So you've got to sort of like, you're bending over and twisting to try and eat a meal. And is this like sort of, you know, what wine matches with what food?

It's like, what have you got, this curry with Despicable Me 3? How does it match up? I think the curry was with The Hunger Games 7 or whatever. And it was a beautiful pairing. Could you honestly close that fucking window? The semi-trailer goes on. Yeah.

If you are a listener of this show on a long-haul trip, give us a beep on the way back. Don't do it. You know how sometimes you get some airlines do this where you'll be on the plane and they're like, our menu has been designed by you know like Neil Perry or whoever

and then you get it and you're like it's slop in a foil container like what I think we're probably like maybe a year or two away from the cinemas getting in on this

like the Heston Blumenthal popcorn where it all every bit looks like an apple instead of a piece of popcorn or something like that he's going to get in there and really shake up the menu. We've got a little bit of that at the moment.

So my child goes to childcare. That's where she is right now. And so they have an in-house chef and it's great. And my daughter knows the – What? Yeah, yeah. What is it? It's like cooks in –

Really? Yes. Cooks is one thing though. He's got a chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a chef. That's great.

It's the bear and it's just people with intense trauma and getting screamed at and having to say, yes, chef. But it's literally just them putting fish fingers in the microwave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids sending them back. Like racking up out the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, totally someone going fucking insane, going, where's the mashed potato on fucking table three? Yeah, so Pete the chef is in there, because it's quite a big childcare for three or four levels and whatever, so it's quite a big kitchen, and it looks fucking awesome. Like, you get the pictures home at night, and you go, honestly, for the money we're paying, can I fucking come in for lunch? I honestly want to come in for lunch.

It looks great. Yeah, yeah. can I fucking come in for lunch? I honestly want to come in for lunch. It looks great. And then the other day we go in there and you see the newsletters come home and the messages come home and then you hear what my child's got to say

and whatever. All of a sudden things have changed and we're like, right, what the fuck's going on here? And we get the message back going, oh, Pete's decided to retire from being the chef. And it's like right at the end of this newsletter so it's like there's four topics it's squeezed in at the end you know the whole um

when someone gets fired and they only that instead of some like a massive sort of blurb about oh how good they've been all of a sudden it's like peace decided to retire and the end we wish him well yeah i don't think you got one of them oh Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Pete, what have you done? Yeah. And so here's the other thing. He's hanging up the little apron with Mickey Mouse on it. Yeah. Is he an old guy? Yeah, yeah, older guy. Okay.

So retirement's believable. Yeah, is he retirement age? He is retirement age. Okay, all right. So that's all, like, fine. But here's the thing that smells fishier than what fucking Warnocky would order a voice. Yeah. He's decided to retire, right? Here's the thing that smells fishier than what fucking Warnocky would order a voice. He's decided to retire, right?

He's decided to retire. So his last day was the Monday. So he's decided to retire on a Monday, for starters. But it's Monday, January 2. So after the Christmas holidays, he's come back and retired on the first day back That has not fucking happened No that hasn't That's not happened Yeah

Alright What's your theory then? Well I don't know whether he's Like we were Our theory is he's come in and Had some absolute fucking hissy fit Over the fucking quality of carrots That's come in day one

Fair enough I'll give you until after Christmas To fix up this fucking carrot situation or I am out of here. They've come back and gone, same carrots, fuck this, I'm out. Yeah, I believe it because on New Year's Eve I went to a house party and I got charged with just like a small kind of barbecue thing. I got charged with bringing some stuff to put in the oven kind of later on,

some snacks, specifically potato gems was what the host wanted me to bring. I went around to about four or five supermarkets. Was this party at my child's fucking childcare? It's the same menu. IQ equivalent at about 3 a.m. Right, right. I went around to about four or five supermarkets. Couldn't find gems anywhere.

National gem shortage going on. There is a potato shortage. So I imagine he's coming in. He's like, it's too fucking hard. If you can't get your hands on gems, you can't even get those little things that have like the smiley face that are the fried potato. What is the point? The kids are rioting.

It's too stressful. What's this? You've just got scissors and chopped up a few hash browns. It's not fucking potato gems. I'm 75. I don't need this. I imagine maybe it's a bit of that. I think there's something happened.

Because then I've sort of said to my daughter I don't want to sort of say What happened to Pete? What's the goss? What's the goss? All the little kids are talking about it You send her in to start like sussing out questions She's wearing a wire

Yeah exactly Your kid on the change table He's strapping a little microphone Because she's been loving the food. Like, it's really good food. So she's been coming home and requesting food that Pete's cooked. Oh, really? In school.

And we're like, oh, this is great. The system works. Instead of her being fussy. She's been coming home and asking for... What's Pete cooking up? She's been asking for couscous at home. Oh, my Lord. I love this.

Because I was going to say, imagine Imagine like It's hard enough Feeding one Like toddler Yeah But imagine if that's If you're feeding like 20 of them More The feedback

You must be getting Yeah And you're trying to Feed them veggies too But I think what's happened Is the psychology is They see all the other kids Eating and go

Okay Because at home Wouldn't touch couscous In a fucking million years Okay so he's cooking up Fancy stuff Sorry That sounds like

Gold class level food. That's what I was about to say. Right. He's been poached. Points have knocked on the door. They've gone, whatever the childcare's paying you, we'll double it.

We had an incident, we had a complaint in Sydney. We've got so many, so many angry diarrhea reviews on the TripAdvisor. From what's going on. And two other podcasters. You made my friend shit himself.

That's my email. We lost an episode. Do you think maybe it's something that, because, yeah, could it have been New Year's Eve, a New Year's Eve party? Maybe this childcare centre, you know, someone who worked there had like a party. Oh, I thought you meant... And all the people that worked there were invited

and Pete's just gone hog wild and, you know, obviously I imagine if you're working in a childcare centre, you can't, you know, if you've done anything a bit fucked, you're out. I thought you meant maybe he, because this is January too, maybe he's at a massive New Year's Eve, he's come in nine o'clock on the January 2nd, still cooked, and gone, fuck this, and just ordered in McDonald's for the whole class. Which would make him a god in the childcare centre, surely. Absolutely.

So I've been trying to find out through my child through a little blanket about what's happened and just going, oh, how's the food going? Oh, yeah, pretty good. You should go in and pretend to be her. Little wig on. Yeah, yeah. Walking around on your knees with your shoes on them. Yeah, like, who's this wife for? It's you.

Yeah, so she's like, oh, yeah, the food's good. What did Pete cook today? Oh, Pete's not there. Okay, where's Pete? Oh, Pete's gone on holidays. Oh, Pete's gone on holidays to a farm. He's gone away. That's what they've told the kids, little heartbroken children. I know, and on top of Oh, Pete's gone on holidays to a farm. He's gone away. That's what they've told the kids, the little heartbroken children.

I know, and on top of that, so they've gone, I understand that sort of thing. Oh, Pete's gone away for a holiday, whatever, to break it to a three-year-old. But then I say to my three-year-old, I say, oh, where's your friend, where's Hamish gone? Oh, he's gone away forever. Like, what? He's moved school. And I'm like, oh, maybe we could invite him along to your birthday party. And then she's like, no, no, no, he's moved school and i'm like oh maybe we could invite him along to your birthday party and then she's like no no no he's gone forever so they're very it's like she's been

absolutely conditioned to go never talk about your friend hamish again he gone that's it forever don't be thinking about ever seeing him he parted too hard on you even for a visit. He partied too hard on New Year's Eve. Even for a visit. Yeah. We fired him as well as the chef. But yeah, so they're strong enough to sort of go, no, let's be clear, you'll never see that kid again. But with Pete,

it's like, oh, he's on holiday. He might come back. So I think that's even dodgier. Well, maybe they're thinking that Pete's, you know, he's going to get a week down the line

and be like, guys, I've made a huge mistake. He'll be back. You know what you could do? You got the child's birthday party coming up. Yes. What if you get paid into getting a tater? Oh, my God.

Couscous for... Just a lolly bag at the end. Couscous for every child. No, no. Load the piñata up with couscous. Yes. Yes. It's this weekend, right?

No, no. It's a couple of weeks. It's a couple of weeks away. You've got time. Yes. You get onto the child care? No, no, it's a couple of weeks. It's a couple of weeks away. You've got time. Yes. You get onto the childcare, you're like, hey-o! That could be a good way to suss it out because they're like, absolutely not, you don't want to talk to that guy.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But my question is, have they replaced Pete instantly with a new chef? Because if they had someone ready and waiting, maybe it was planned. Good question. But if they went a week without. Very good question. Is Pete getting unhealthy and they're thinking,

this guy's going to keel over in the kitchen and then we've got to have the conversation about death with the kids, which is too much. That's the next part of why it's quite obvious that he's just, whatever's happened, he's been fired, he's thrown a hissy fit, something's happened. Is that the next day after that all happened, I'm like, I'm in there trying to suss it out.

And look, here in the kitchen kitchen going, who's over there? Brummaging through the cupboards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking for pay slips or anything. Who's working here now? Day one, pay slip already. Another prompt. Yeah, looking for who's, you know, checking in the card and the whistles blowing, you know, like Wile E. Coyote used to do.

Yeah, who's sliding down the dinosaur's tail into their car and then peddling their feet. That's the sign that we don't have proper jobs. We're just placing it on Hanna-Barbera cartoons. The only working man I'm familiar with at all, Fred Flintstone. Yeah, you don't have to wear shoes to work. No, that's just Fred. So I've been like, who's, I said, who cooked your lunch today? Oh, just the teachers.

Oh, that's no good. So the teachers are just going into the kitchen and just whipping up whatever. Definitely wasn't a planned handover. So he's really left them in the lurch. Yep. God damn. Or they've sacked him. Yes.

And left themselves in the lurch. Yeah. I just said a kid's thing and he's been sacked. Yeah. And they've gone, there's been some sort of confrontation. The teacher's gone, how hard could it be? Rung up my canes. Can I have whatever you've got times 50?

Bring it down tomorrow morning for breakfast. I thought the same. How hard could it be to cook for kids? I mean, I don't know how to cook couscous, so I'm a little bit behind. Well, exactly. kids. I mean, I don't know how to cook couscous, so I'm a little bit behind. Well, exactly. He's heightened the bar very, very high up there. So they're going to go from couscous to party pies pretty fucking quick, I would imagine. Fuck, I reckon I'd be all right at this.

Do you reckon? Chef for children. What would you think? Yeah, but this is like this thing. You know what you're like. You're like every comedian out there. Oh, yeah. How hard could it be writing a children's book? All you have to do is know about fucking four words.

This is all right. This is easy. Someone farts. Someone, you know. It is. But it's not. Every cunt does it. It is.

But it's not. But it's easy to physically do but not to do well. Because my mum has been buying children's books for my child out of aldi and it's like no great this is these are no good yeah these are like you read these and you can see that the kid fucking losing interest page three yeah great right i'm gonna write one dave and the fish tacos yes yes he's farting by page three yeah shitting on page five yep and then he loves that right it encourages kids to go to the toilet

to use a potty yeah that's whenever people think of Dave they think of potties I want to shit like Uncle Dave no but my point is

I think I'm a pretty decent cook I would back myself to like work in a restaurant and all that kind of like high stress

and high volume of cooking I can cook for like friends and my partner and do a good of like high stress and high volume of cooking i can cook for like friends and my partner and do a good job so if it was for children smaller portions less highfalutin stuff yeah i mean matt just going i don't know how to cook couscous right i can cook the fuck out of some couscous the only thing is you walk in and people look at you and go should this person be working with children i think that's the big fence there. Is it that or is it like you get one of the babies wandered into the kitchen, get back into the playroom, the boss baby's trying to cook for these children.

That's because you're in the kitchen in nothing but a nappy. Yeah. And that's a fair assessment they've made. I don't know if I've – I can't remember if I've told this on the show before, but I was doing like speaking at schools for a bit. I was going around doing like a little kind of like schools version of a show that I did in the comedy festivals one year through like an agency.

Dinner for Two? Pardon? Was it the Dinner for Two one? It was my Dinner for Two show, yeah. I was teaching Year 12 students about 69. That would be great if you went in. And we all know what that used to be like at school. All of a sudden you got dragged into some room

and someone put on sort of a show for an hour. That would be great if it was like, no, no, no, it's dinner and a show. What I do is a theatre restaurant that I bring around. Yeah. It is so stressful for that exact reason, because you just remember being on the other side of that, being a kid. Yeah. And it's like, now, kids, it's time for a little fun.

And someone coming in and just everyone in the room going, fuck this cunt. And then trying to be like, no, but I'm different. Yeah. I'm a cool adult. I'm young and cool. Don't worry about me. I'm a podcaster. Hey, I know Pikachu, everyone.

Boo. It's funny because it's like, yeah, you could venture being like, I'm a podcaster when it's like year 12 kids these days. It's like, that's what grandpa listens to. If you're not a TikToker, then get the fuck out of here. But so I was doing, yeah, I was doing that and like, yeah, pretty, like pretty stressful. And I had this, I had this joke in the show about, it was like my show about having cancer.

And I had this joke in there about, I had a thing called aplastic anemia, which is a type of cancer. It's a terrible name for it. Just sounds like I got a plastic bottle stuck up my ass, which didn't happen until I was 23. There we go. Yeah, it gets a little bit of a laugh.

And then at the end of it, they did like a, they kind of like, this last one I did, they forced me to do a Q&A. It's brutal. Oh, no. And it's all year 12 students and it's like, it's their last day of. I just love the idea of being forced to do a Q&A. Like, they're holding you down and just yelling at the children, any questions?

Well, it was like, before it started, the lady running it was like, what if we do this at the end? I'm like, oh, I mean, it's all in there and like, I'd kind of rather not. And then it gets to the end and she's like, now Tommy's kindly offered to do a Q&A? I'm like, oh, I mean, it's all in there. And like, I'd kind of rather not. And then it gets to the end and she's like, now Tommy's kindly offered to do a Q&A. I'm like, God damn it. Dear Tommy. Dear Tommy, though. Yeah.

And so it's all like, it's year 12 students and it's like the last day of, this is like the last thing they're doing before, like the end of term. So it kind of went well because they're just like in a good mood. It's like, hey, cool. We just get to sit and watch this bullshit movie.

Yeah, but they could have also like been taken to the wave pool or something. It could have been good mood. It's like, hey, cool, we just get to sit and watch this bullshit movie. Yeah, but they could have also like been taken to the wave pool or something. It could have been more fun. That's true. This was in Frankston, so the beach is right there. Yeah, taken to the beach. Yeah. So this really – because, yeah, I go, oh, yeah, the joke is like I got a plastic bottle

out of my ass, which didn't happen until I was older. So this is like the Q&A. This really sassy girl goes, so what age were you – like how did you get the plastic bottle stuck up my ass which didn't happen until i was older so this like at the q a this really sassy girl goes so um what age were you like how did you get the plastic bottle stuck up your ass or something like that and i go you'll find out when you're older and in my head i'm like flying pretty close to the sun here i'm not at the giggles comedy hut anymore I'm like that's right I'm in fucking school I'm talking to a child But again it's that desperate thing of like Especially when it's year 12 kids You're like well this is like as close to an adult

As you can get at the school It's like And again you're just like desperately trying to prove like I'm not one of the shit things at school That you have to sit through I'm rude I swear guys Let me off the leash. There's nothing more intimidating than high schoolers.

I'm terrified of them. I still want them to think I'm cool. And I'm 32. Every one of them I did, I genuinely, I found it so stressful. I would turn up thinking not only this might go bad, but honestly in all of them i thought i could get bashed at the end of this yeah like i could get outnumbered by a group of year 10 kids who just in the car park afterwards yeah sure yeah so i finished this and then i get a phone i'm in my car

and it had gone well right i was like pretty happy with how it had gone i get a phone call from the head of the agency and she's like yeah we, we just have to have a talk about something, something very, very inappropriate. And I'm like, oh. You forcing me to do a Q&A. We're so sorry that happened to you. Yeah. That I did that to you. Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, I want to talk about something that you've put on Instagram. And I'm like, oh, what? And she's like, you really don't know what it was. And I'm like. Don't make me say it, Tom. It literally was that. I was like, I really. You can't remember the breakfast you uploaded on Sunday morning?

Yeah, you call yourself a chef? I can't remember the breakfast you uploaded on Sunday morning. Yeah, you call yourself a chef? I'm like, I'm sorry, but... It could be one of a million things, probably. She goes, this is really, really disturbing that you've put this up and you don't even remember it. And I'm like, I'm happy to... I'm fine to be accountable.

I just, I literally accountable I just I literally I can't I can't could you just could you tell me and she's like why don't you get off the phone and why don't you go

have a look through your feed Jesus and then you can also stay on the phone and look at the it's like what year is this this is

what a teacher move this is you've done something bad and I'm not going to tell you what it is you're going to have to learn it yourself no 100% I mean I was happy to get off the phone because I was starving what your move this is. You've done something bad and I'm not going to tell you what it is. You're going to have to learn it yourself. No, 100%. I mean, I was happy to get off the phone

because I was starving. I'll sneak in lunch here under the pretense that I've done a real deep dive in the archive. So I get off the phone and I'm like, I'm looking, I'm just going back through my Instagram. I'm starving. I better go to Pirates of the Caribbean and get some dinner.

I'm like scrolling through i'm like what what could this be and then i like i had a i had some drawings on there that were like a little silly or whatever and i'm like i call back i'm like oh yeah that this call back this cartoon i did that was a bit you're still getting maybe i'm sorry i can do because her whole thing was like you're working with you know you're working with children you're going into these schools these kids could like look you up on social media and find this stuff and she's like it's a certain video that you put on your stories on this date and i'm like oh well it's so it's not there anymore yeah how was i supposed to find that? And also what's happened is because this was from like three weeks ago. So it's clearly it's like they've meant to say something at the time.

They've forgotten. And then they've looked in the diary on that day and gone, oh, yeah, who have we got going out for work? Oh, shit, and seen my name as doing the school thing that day and gone, oh, shit, we forgot to call him three weeks ago and, you know, have that chat. So they're just like following up on it now. And it was – what it was was me – I was – at the time me and my housemate were obsessed with this TV show called Gigolos,

which is like a reality show about a group of gigolos in Las Vegas and it's incredibly explicit and there's this scene where one of them is like dressed as a – this woman is like, I want to be fucked by a centaur. So he dresses up as a centaur. And I just, like, had filmed the screen and put it on my stories of just, like, this guy dressed as a centaur. And she's like, and so I just, it gets to a point where she's on the phone having to, like, describe all of this to me.

The video of the centauraur does that ring any bells and because it had been like 2 a.m and me and my housemate drinking i'm like honestly not really having to spell it all out is just like you put a porno on your instagram and that was so inappropriate and i'm like honestly any like year 12 kids that are just trawling instagram at you know two in the morning on a saturday if they find that, if that's the worst thing they see online, good luck to them. Yeah. Also, for any kids who are looking up the performer that's booked in in two weeks just to see what they're up to, just so I can see into their minds, I'm not shocked on the day. Does he have merch? I might wear his T-shirt under my uniform and then I can rip my shirt off and have a

little Dum Dum Club T-shirt. That's the other thing. It's like I do this podcast that is like so raw. So it's like in my head, I'm like, if you're looking me up, there are way bigger issues. There's way worse things to find online. I'm regularly doing episodes that are exclusively about diarrhea. There's way worse things. But also, this is off the back of her going like,

this is so inappropriate. A student could find this. This is the worst thing. And in my head going like, I was just riffing with an 18-year-old girl about sticking a plastic bottle up her eye, like just being like, I've gotten away with something far worse here. Yeah. And so I just, at the time I was like, you know, really like that work,

that like income meant a lot to me. So I'm really like, I'm so sorry. Like I just, yeah, real lack of, you know, lapse of judgment on my part and I'm really eating humble pie. And she's like, well, look, I'm, you know, I'm glad you've like copped to this and you've apologised and look, you know, just take it as a lesson. And I just want you to know that this won't, you know, we're not,

you know, we're going to put this under the rug. Glad you apologised. Just wanted to talk to you about it and, yeah, this won't, we're not going to let this, like, kind of jeopardise our relationship with you and sending you out for work. Great. Anyway, last phone call I ever had from them. Oh, do you reckon that's what the chef did?

Oh. Yeah, he could have published some sort of a centaur porn video. Yeah, I reckon a 75-year-old has some pretty racy Instagram stories. I mean, yeah, I bring it up because it's like, yeah, I can definitely relate to the working with children and a lack of and an error in judgment and being caned by the higher-ups. Is the centaur the one with like a horse head Or a horse body Horse body

It's horse body Horse body So it was a horse It was a horse dick It's hard to cross up But what was funny about it Was he had to get someone To come and do the costume

With him Oh someone has to be The back legs So because he's got to be The back of the That's why I found it so funny Because so he's up the front And then while he's fucking

This girl there's a guy Like behind him In the back of the horse costume Just And they've rigged up a camera like in there. He's just in there going like, oh, this is the worst day of my life. That's why I put it on Instagram because I was like, oh, this is funny.

This is going up online. And the lady on the phone is describing that back to you. Oh, yeah. And I'm kind of laughing. Do you know this is, very quickly, this literally happened once. This is part of a longer, longer story. But I tried out for Australia's Got Talent a long time ago.

And I was hoping that I did not turn up in any of the edits because it was a disaster. It was easily one of the worst days of my life. Very easily. We've talked about this on an old episode, but this literally happened where I was hoping that this didn't come to air in any way because I'm like, I was trying to sabotage it at the time. Once it went south, I was like swearing and stuff, trying to make sure I didn't make the edit.

Pants off. Yeah, yeah. Throwing a swastika on your forehead. Yeah. So, and then I was like, so then the series started and started going to air and every week I'd be like, I'd be checking the socials going,

I hope I don't get a mention or whatever. And it was like, I was sweating through, like it was on Sunday nights I think at the time and every Sunday I'd be like, holding my breath

and then, no mention. Watching the whole show? No, no, no, just socials. I'm not scared enough to actually check the show. Yeah, no, no, because I'm like I'm not scared enough to actually check the show. Yeah, no, no, because I don't want to watch it,

but someone's going to see it and hit me up, very obviously. We're into the podcast at this point. Yeah, yeah. So then literally this happened one night. So I was actually in Sydney. I was working on a TV show in Sydney, and for whatever reason they needed me on set as part of a pantomime horse and so i was the back end of the of the pantomime horse is this on your imdb no this is not damn get it on there performance wise

it is riding wise it is uh so i'm in the back of the pantomime horse where i start to get notifications of oh you fucked up you're on aust's Got Talent. This couldn't be a worse position to get this bad news. I'm already a horse's arse, and now I'm a metaphorical horse's arse. So you're in there with your phone. That's my idea. You're in the horse's arse checking your phone. What else am I going to be doing? I'm just watching the arse of whoever's the front half of the horse.

That's a good thing to do. Were you storing your phone in their back pockets? Hands free. Yeah, yeah. That's a good thing to do Were you storing your phone In their back pockets That's easy for you to read Pants free Yeah yeah So you But you You're having a walk around And so you're active

As the back legs I think very minimal Walking around I think we were just Sort of standing there So there's footage of you Fucking up on Australia's Got Talent then

No So what happened was I was getting Oh fucking Chandler Australia's Got Talent I was like Oh fuck fuck fuck And then when I got getting, oh, I'm fucking Chandler. Oh, Australia's got down. I was like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then when I got out of there, once I saw...

Just watching this show, why is the horse's ass glowing? Yeah, yeah. You've already described a different day as the worst day of your life and now you're a horse's ass. Getting notifications. Not even in the top five. That's fine. I only just remembered it then.

Not a big deal for me to be a horse's arse on TV. You did get this blank look for a couple of seconds and it was like, what's going on there? The horse's arse anecdote has just materialised in his brain after 10 years. So then when I saw the footage, it was actually like, because I was like stressed out going, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This is going to be humiliating. And then when I saw it, it was like literally out of all the, like the whole process went

for about six hours on the day. And then the only bit of footage there was, was literally, it was a bit like someone going, yeah, so Australia's got talent. It's good, isn't it? And me going, yep. And then that's all I used. That shows a lot about your relationship with the public. The people see that and they're like, ah, you fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said one word on TV, you moron. Oh, man. Well, speaking of you guys and food and all that sort of stuff, the last time we properly – maybe we're all together like this, all five of us was, of course, in the beautiful tropical island of Koh Samui. Great memories. So that was now nearly four years ago or something like that.

When we were there, we talked about a horse as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Someone getting fucked by a full horse as opposed to just the half horse. Why are you pointing at me when you said fucked by a horse well you were just telling the story of being fucked by half a horse oh yeah yeah yeah remember a minute ago no i don't but no we we uh invited you guys over there to do your pod as as part of the coast middle international podcast festival uh you guys were the the other

podcast on and podcast and in hindsight it's a beautiful thing of course we were like oh this will be good get you guys over and make it part of the festival

not only will it be extra entertainment for the people that come over for us but you guys will bring some fans over as well and then in hindsight

of course it makes total sense that people are coming over because we talk about Thailand non-stop you guys don't

talk about Thailand at all so from our records one person came along for you. And you're welcome. You're so welcome. You're so welcome. Because in hindsight, it's like, of course that's insane.

You guys are just like, come over to Thailand to watch us. And everyone's like, why the fuck would we do that? You do shows in Melbourne all the time. Yeah, yeah. I should tell you, I know at least two that came. Really? Oh, okay. There was a couple.

They're engaged now. Yes. Ben and? Oh, Ben and Georgia. Yeah, they're from England. yeah okay oh yeah we i only knew one because the one person hit me up on the official coast million international podcast festival fan page and was like oh my parents have a house in coast million you know and i was just immediately yet like yeah can we come over and crash there can we come and say there and then the guy was like, who is this? And I'm like, it's Carl.

And he's like, who's Carl? You know, from the podcast. And he's like, I'm only going there for Do Go On. You know, I was on the Faith No More episode of Do Go On. Oh, I skipped that one. I don't like when they have guests. It's in the way of the dynamic. They've really got a beautiful flow

between the three of them. I don't like it being disturbed. I don't know that voice. It sounds like we're up to three at least then. So again, if anyone else came over, please get on a car. It seems like you've got three people

coming over for it. That is made, you know, like you've paid for three of us to go over. That seems like that's worked out really well. And those tips were about $2,000. Yeah, that makes sense, I think. I think that's pretty good.

Well, I think, you know, an out of fence as well. You plugged it and it was a fair way in before you invited us along. If you gave us more volley time. Give us another chance. Come on. We can play live. I think everybody over there messaging you like, hey, if you guys want to just get in here, that'd be great. Just driving chance. Come on. We can get somebody over there messaging you like, hey, if you guys want to just get in here, that'd be great.

If you guys are just driving bikes, do you want to pop in or anything like that? Honestly, please don't let that mean we don't come back next time. We will do better. No, it's... Right, Dave? Yeah. Jess, come on.

No. I can't promise more than three. Surely double figures. I can't. Double figures. You can start plugging it on Triple J. No. I don't think I can.

I can't plug shit. Well, and also those three, you'd have to assume they're like, nah, we've been there. We don't even know that. So we're starting from scratch. One of them's got the parents' house there, though, so why not? Yeah, that's true. Those two that are married, you know,

maybe they've got a kid on the way by now. Settlement down. Baby Moon. Nice. No, but that guy, by Those two that are married, you know, maybe they've got a kid on the way by now. Settling down. Babymoon. Nice. No, but that guy, by the end of the conversation, he's like, oh, I guess you can come over. It's like, I love that by the end of the conversation, he's like, I don't know who this is,

but I guess you can come to my mum's house. We should have gone. Should have thrown a party at his mum's house. Yeah. It sounded like a good house. That was such a great trip. It was great great so I was surprisingly

weirdly for me I did go back to Thailand very recently we were talking about it last week but I went on a little bit of a boys trip

and I was there with a couple of friends of the show Brett Blake we went there officially for Nick Capper who didn't go yeah

which was a hard one to convince other people's partners. He went there officially for Nick Capa. Well, that's what we were telling everyone. We were talking about this, but we were telling all the wives and partners, are we going there for Nick Capa? Is he coming? No. And then all the other people were like,

do you even know this person called Nick Capa? No. So you're going there for a guy who's not there that you don't know. That's correct. Right. Any more questions? So what happened was we got there and it was this sort of like boys trip in the end and uh we're in bangkok and the whole idea was we were going to go somewhere different which is which is rare for me because usually i'm going to the same places sort of over and over a little

bit and i'm like you know what we'll go to bangkok we'll go to a beach town that's like three hours away and uh part of the whole experience was uh i love the idea of going on a train trip over there because my friends i was going there with my some of my maribor hometown friends and the first time they went i could have gone with them i said thailand sounds shit and didn't go and then they had all these amazing adventures and stories and they were traveling around on the train and going oh it was so good and all this sort of stuff and we were just getting pissed on the train and eating and going crazy and it's good and all this sort of stuff and we were just getting pissed on the train and eating and going crazy and it's like...

You can take a boy out of Maryborough. So you started at a position where Thailand sounded shit at some point? Yes. I refused to go. I refused to go. You know what? You know what happened? What was it about it that made you think that it sounded no good? Well, I was like... So this is like 20 years ago. I was like, I don't know. It's like a third world country what's there to do there like i don't know i

don't really understand how it all works and i still think that yeah well that's a fact it is a fact i went well i was i was like you i went to japan instead and was like oh this is you know this is all fun and i understand vaguely this is all weird and funny and whatever but over there i was like i don't know do i get kidnapped over here or what happens in Thailand? I don't know. Whereas your review of Japan is weird and funny. Yes, yes, it was. I stand by that.

So they had all these great stories and we met up in England and then I heard about Thailand for the next three months. I'm like, oh my God, I should have gone. So 20 years later I made it happen. So we all went together. We got on the train and they're like what so we go into this town called Hua Hin a beach town and it's three hours away and we're going how are we going to get there and everyone's having arguments about how we get there people are trying to say let's get limousines to go down there it's like that's insane it's good it's a real fish taco at the cinemas it's as bougie as you like yes and i'm kind of

i'm kind of in my head picturing it won't this be like a fucking dirt road and we got like cruising down in a limousine flying around this this will be bad this will actually be bad and there's like eight of us so in the end uh everyone decided right we will go on the train it's like because we got told by people down there oh you're going on a saturday morning it's a beach town it's basically what you know one of the main beach towns that people go from bangkok for the for holidays and for weekends so you they're like you're gonna get stuck five hours traffic on a highway don't do that get on the train like okay great and the train's like five bucks awesome we've got these great stories so we all we convince everyone to get on the train.

Brett Blake's the last person to convince to get on the train because he fucking hates public transport for some reason. But you've got to make good because you've, 20 years ago, you've heard these amazing stories about Thailand. And the trains. As far as we know, the extent of is you can drink on the train. And you're like, I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to drink on the train and you're like I don't know if I'm going to be allowed

to drink at the limo over here I'm thirsty I'm parched yes so we we get on that we

somehow convinced Brett Blake to get on the train he hates the train despite the fact he looks like he was born in a train station all conceived we're all on the train

we're on the we have to get up we've had a big night and then it's the only train that gets down there is like 8am in the morning so we're like on the train we're on the we have to get up we've had a big night and then it's the only train that gets down there is like 8am in the morning so we're like oh fuck

so it's a bit tough getting on there we go great we're finally on the train we're like this party time great we get off

we've got allocated seating me and Blakey are sat directly up the front of the train perfect next to the driver everyone else is up the back of the train like no you're not allowed

to go up there it's allocated seating allocating you up the back of the train. Like, no, you're not allowed to go up there. It's allocated seating. Allocating you up the front. They've just seen you and Brett and gone, we've got a few fans at the timetable here. We're going to make their day. We're literally 1A and 1B. I don't know whether we're more like the Make-A-Wish kids

where it's like, you get to sit up the front of the train, boys. You can come in the cockpit of the train if you want. Here's a little colouring book with pictures of trains in it. We're like the nice schoolboys up the front of the train, boys. You can come in the cockpit of the train if you want. Here's a little colouring book with pictures of trains in it. We're like the nice schoolboys up the front going, this sucks so bad. Meanwhile, you can hear the guys up the back going, ah, get back in. They're getting like, the dream,

they're getting complained about and told off up the back of the train. Oh, it's so much fun. Yeah. We're just like, you get to look out the window, boys. It's like, no, only one of you because one of you is Isle. We get to be one of the Australian tourists that other Australians go home and complain about ruining other countries. So at the very least, we're like, okay, well, at least we're not stuck on the highway in the traffic jam.

We'll be down the beach, no problem, very quick. We take off and we're like, oh, we're going to be warming up soon. And we do not warm up in any way at any time during the trip. The train, we... First gear, just the whole time. First gear the whole time. Fuck. We're so up the front that we can...

Bang it on the window. Put it in second. Hit the clutch, my man. There's no window. There's just an open door. I'm picturing you on the bench seat next to the driver like you're in an old truck or something. We are sat so that there's no door.

We can just see what the driver sees the whole time. So we're going, we don't understand what's happening. Why are we going so slow? Not only are we going so slow, we're stopping so many times. And we're sitting there going, what's going on? The first couple of times you go, okay, obviously there's something going on. And then the second, third, fourth, fifth time you go, hang on. We're just doing this every five minutes. And we're just just stopping and we're trying to look out the window figuring out why

we'd be stopping we're in the middle of nowhere and we're basically on like on tram tracks it's the smallest little train where you sort of go okay i get it at some point if you put this into top speed this is just gonna i don't know flip upside down it's such a bad dangerous looking train so we're literally trying to find out, I'm obsessed by this point, I'm looking at the window going, why are we stopping?

Why the fuck are we stopping? I swear at one point we slowed down and stopped because there are kids by the side waving at the train driver so he stops so he can wave properly

so he doesn't, so he's not dangerously driving with one hand off the wheel or anything. You're on track. Yeah, I know. This is real shades of you know in The Simpsons. Why is the train stopped? Because there's a couch on wheel or anything. He was like, you're on track. Yeah, I know.

This is real shades of, you know, in The Simpsons. Why is the train stopped? Because there's a couch on the tracks. And it's just like all the guys looking at it going, eh. Man, I wish there was a couch on the tracks. There would have been a reason to stop the train. He's just stopping to fucking scratch his back. That's awesome.

It's so bad. Salute to this guy. This is a sick train driver. It's so bad. So the whole train trip takes five and a half hours. No. It takes five and a half hours. It takes longer than the projected traffic jam. Do you think this could be, and sorry, this is very morbid,

but you know when someone jumps in front of a train, it's very traumatic for the driver and they have to, you know, they get a lot of counselling. Is this maybe a guy that's like, he's hit someone before and he's like, I am never taking this thing over five kilometres ever again. Maybe. Maybe that's happening. How fast do you reckon the train was going at its top speed?

At max. Yeah, yeah. When you were really flowing. I reckon the general average speed, honestly, would have been 25km. That's great. Oh, school zone coming up. Better drop her down to eight. Yeah, I reckon for a lot of the trip, I could have taken the train.

Fuck yeah. I could have got out and just run beside the train. Just hearing that story is making me so anxious and mad. Yes. I think I might have murdered on that train. Especially when you're in a country where you don't speak the language and something like that is going on. You're like, what's happening?

Like, it's just all the logic parts of your brain are just, like, firing off going, what's the answer? I'm the champion of the train. I'm like, fucking limousine. We're going on the train. How good is this going to be? You're going parallel to the road and limousines just. He's stopping to wave at the limos.

There's kids on bikes fucking burling passes. Don't worry. It's an elderly woman on a scooter Just lapping you and giving you the finger And then the second part of it is Okay, look, it's a five and a half hour trip At least we can get pissed on the way down Uh-oh

So where's this food compartment That I've been hearing about for 20 years? Oh, that's been gone for 15 years No, you've got to be a B.Y.O. You've got to be a B.Y.O., my friend Yeah, are we stopping anywhere? Absolutely not We're already taking

five and a half hours to get somewhere we're not stopping it seems like you could have got off gone to a 7-Eleven packed some snacks and gone ahead

yell out to the kids I'll give you 50 bucks to go to the bottle it's back that way can you go back there and then catch us up and give us the drink yeah

so then we I'm sitting there fuming going well we've been in this train for so long even in Thailand even in a third world country and give us the drink. Oh my God, yeah. So then we, I'm sitting there fuming going, well, we've been in this train for so long, even in Thailand, even in a third world country, this has got to be illegal to capture someone in a carriage

for this long. Oh, here we go. It feels like I was killed. Without food and drink. This is illegal. Now he's got, now. Lawyers are on the phone. Now the Karen side of Carl's coming out.

This train took a bit long. This must be illegal. I want to speak to the conductor. You're yelling about human rights. Carl's like the Hulk but he's Karen. He just starts getting mad and then it's like, rather than turning green, it's like the bob haircut just appears on his head. This is

unacceptable. So I'm like, I'm so fucking hungry. I'm hungover. I'm on the intermittent fasting. It's time for me to break the fasting. I want something to fucking eat as well on top of everything else. I'm like, what's going on? So then what happens is, of course, I am right. They have planned for it.

There is someone up the back that's like, there's like this weird thing like I think in the bathroom where they've like put all the food, like stuck all these boxes of food under the sink or whatever. Oh, my God. And they pulled that out and gone, all right, it's lunchtime, everyone. Fish tacos for all. Here's the thing.

Here's the food that they give us. Oh, no. So after four hours on the train, this is the food we get served. And this is not a metaphor. This is literally what we get. We get a hot dog bun filled with nut cream. Again, that is not a metaphor. That is

an actual food that we get given. If I'd said that, I'd be in even more trouble from my high school speakers agency. Now that I've said that, I'm not allowed to work at school. I'm not getting Pete's job at the... Throwing that out to that year 12 girl. And it's taken four and a half hours for the guy in a bathroom

To get enough supply Now it makes sense Looking at the carriage going 25 people alright Look at all these sexy Australian tourists That are causing a ruckus Good news 1A1B You get the hot nut cream

It's gone cold by the time The boys up the back get it Nut cream What Nutalex? Yeah No no no Is that like vegan Like vegan cream? Some sort of like It's gone cold by the time the boys up the back get it. Nut cream. What, Nutalex? Yeah, no, no, no. Is that like vegan cream? Some sort of almond crushed up into, made cream out of or something.

Okay. Yeah, because you can make cashew cream. This is cum. It is definitely cum. I thought you knew what he was talking about. It doesn't exist. Doesn't it? No, nut cream's not real.

You can make cashew cream, and it's just like a vegan alternative. But is it like a nut butter? Like a... But I can't see them... Look, spoiler alert, I did not eat it. So we'll never know. Yeah, we'll never know. You didn't eat the toilet buns?

No. Cream in a bun sounds right up your alley, though. If you strip back all the... What? Cream in a bun. Pie fibre? A cream pie, a cream bun. I'm not trying to be dirty.

You're not making it sound better You like sweets You like pastries You like sweets A cream filled Like a cream filled donut Or something Yeah but no

Like I'm not gonna eat A fucking Mars bar sandwich though Like it's Why not The mix of Yeah The mix of pastry and chocolate And again

It's not chocolate It's nut cream In a hot dog bun Yes And were they But like did they have anything else Like little packets of chips or something? No.

That was it? Yes. But was this hot dog bun full of nut cream? Yes. So you're finally coming around to how ridiculous it sounds. No, it's just fun to say the whole thing. Right, okay. Now, is it like a pre-packaged?

Yes. So it's a thing? Yes. It's not like they've sat there and made this and gone, ah, this is all we've got. No. So they're pre-creamed. So this is a branded snack that's like a popular thing that exists in Thailand.

I don't know if it's popular, but it's what they give people on the train that haven't eaten. Yeah, okay. Right. I mean, the fact that it's – I would have given it a go, given the fact that it's pre-sealed and everything. A, I was so angry, and B, I'm in Thailand. I refuse to eat something that bad.

Surely there's only another hour or two in this trip. I'm going to get out, and I'm going to have the best penang curry of my life. I've gone through this experience. I'm not taking that away from myself. Yeah. I'm not spoiling my lunch with nut cream. I mean, if you've got another hour,

I don't think a hot dog lunch with nut cream. I mean, if you've got another hour, I don't think a hot dog bun with nut cream in it is going to completely wipe out your appetite for the rest of the day. I mean, it might make you violently ill, in which case you're not going to want to eat. Did anyone give it a go? Yeah. I think Brett Blake did. Okay, great.

And should we get him on the phone for a review? Yeah, message him. Maybe I should ask him. I'll send him a message and see if I get an update from him. Nut cream. Would you have gone for it pre-packaged? If they had just whipped it up and I just get served a raw dog, absolutely no way.

Absolutely not. And sort of knowing that it's a thing over there that you can buy in a 7-Eleven, I would be like, all right, you're in Japan, you try the weird shit they got in a 7-Eleven. I think you're right. It being pre-packaged makes it slightly better. Yeah. I think it really depends on what it looks like.

If it's looking like an almond butter or peanut butter kind of thing, amazing. What was the size of the – is it like – I'm picturing it's like a little – it's kind of like a tiny – No, big one. Full, like – Big one. So full, like –

Big. Six inch. Bigger than necessary. Bigger than normal. Bigger than necessary. Bigger than normal. Bigger than necessary. Bigger than normal hot dog buns, I think. Wow. So, like, what, like this?

Foot long? Yeah, yeah. A foot? Oh, yeah. Wow. Maybe I'm so traumatised I'm imagining it's bigger than what it was. I don't know. But I remember it not being small.

I want to Google this. Is this, like, on... Was it referred to as that on the label? Hot dog filled with nut. Hot dog bun with nut cream. Dave, would you give it a try? Absolutely never would I try that. Really?

Never. You're a fish tacos in the cinemas kind of guy. Hey, if I'd paid $30 for it. Well, this is included with the $5 for the train, so you have paid for it in a way. The moment you see it brought out from the toilet. Yeah, the toilet's what's killing me as well. That could have been a pie.

Yeah, I love them. I had forgotten about that. The fact that they're pre-wrapped, maybe that helps. But coming out of the toilet. Still. I'd rarely eat some food coming out of the toilet. Okay, I've got the TripAdvisor has been updated. Brett Blake's just messaged.

Four words, that thing was fucked. Okay. I'm saying it more. All right. Well, I'm glad I held on. Next time you're on the train in Bangkok, if that comes out of the dunny. I would not only not recommend the hot dog filled with nut cream

but not that train at all yeah you'd say limo go limo go the limo go limo stoop to the limo

yeah yeah where they're giving you your nut cream in a beautiful brioche bun like a lord yes well guys

that is all the time we have for this week on the little dum dum club didn't even get the chance for Dave to tell his I know have you got a bit of content for us we can talk about it another time we have for this week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Didn't even get the chance for Dave to tell his... I know. Have you got a bit of content for us?

We can talk about it another time. We can do it on there. Did you know, all I heard was that Dave used to be a listener and he had contact with you before you knew each other. Okay. Oh, well, should we do it now? Do you have time? Well, we're going to do a bonus after this.

Maybe we... No, let's do it. This is forward sizzle for the Patreon. No, let's do this. Okay. Let's do it. Well, so... i don't know if you know this but um i uh before i was on the show years ago even years before that i once wrote into the show oh and we've never talked about this in real life wow ever and it was it was about eight years ago i looked it up to make sure what episode it is people want to listen episode 199 you had

Josh Earl and rapper All Day On and you were talking about the ARIA Awards because he was up for ARIA's or something

and then you told a story Carl about your mates from the Avalanches winning a bunch of you all got mates from the Avalanches first time this has

been brought up on this show winning a bunch of ARIA awards. I think one of the avalanches was on that train. I don't know if he ate it. Did I text him? We need to know. God, he gets some brutal texts as a result of this.

Do you know Alexis from Hot Chip? Did you eat the hot dog bun with nut butter in it? I'm literally going to text him. Did you? Did you? Keep going. Sorry. Anyway, you tell a story, Carl, about,

oh, yeah, my mate's one of these RAs, and then a guy rocked up at the ceremony who had played on a few of their tracks. No, he hadn't even done that. He'd played live with them. Oh, right. Didn't perform on their album. Not on the album.

A very, very ancillary kind of... Yeah, totally. He'd played on a couple of tracks. You said he turned up, and then they let him in. And then when they won a bunch of awards that year, every time they won an award, this guy got up on stage, collected a trophy, which they hadn't put aside for him

because they'd said, oh, there's this many members. So each time they had... So there were six arias and seven people kept rocking off the stage. So they had to keep giving up one of their arias to this guy. Yeah. And he's wearing... Who was also... Yes, don't say.

What was he wearing? He was wearing a rice patty hat, would you say? Yeah. Is that what you would say? Like a traditional rice picker's hat. Right. Like that triangular design. Yeah, yeah.

That is definitely associated with people that work in those fields and not with white 50-year-old men. Yeah. He's much older than them too. Right. So I'm listening to that episode I'm driving to

speaking of working with children I used to do host lots of trivia nights oh yeah and once a year I did one for this

expensive private school which was a father daughter camp where the dads go away with these year 7 girls for two nights and then on Saturday night

you know it was a bit of bonding or whatever I cannot think of anything worse awful awful stuff and then on Saturday night your vibe is like it was a bit of bonding or whatever. I cannot think of anything worse. Awful. Awful stuff. And then on Saturday night.

Your vibe is like a dad and daughter combined though, so you're the perfect host. I'm crossing over. You can connect with everybody. They're all like, we relate to you. How do you have a daddy-daughter night in one person? The answer, Dave Warren. So, yeah, and then on Saturday night I come out and I do a two-hour trivia thing where, you know, at the time, this was eight years ago,

there's questions about One Direction for the kids. Oh, my God. I'm loving where this is going. Questions about footy for the dads. Yep. Everyone's happy. All dads love footy. All kids love One Direction.

All little girlies love One Direction. All daddy daughters love hosting trivia nights. David's using every round as like, and now here's a question for the little girls. Oh, hey little girlies. It just meant that about each group hated 50% of the night. Absolutely. Which is not great.

But anyway, it gets to the end of the night. It's all gone fine. I'm packing up. Remember, I've just heard your episode on the drive there. Yep. I'm packing up. This is before you got fired for saying to a girl, do you have any fish tacos?

You'll find out when you're older. And you are dressed as the centaur, right? That's the arse. So I'm packing up and this guy comes up to me and he goes, you would have thought I'd get the question about Sophie Monk because one of the questions was like, name these celebrities but we've changed their facial features a little bit and one of them was Sophie Monk.

It's a great way to start a sentence. Yeah, it's such a weird, it's a weird vibe. We're getting a weird vibe from this guy. You're packing up and he's just, he started the conversation mid-conversation. Yeah, he're packing up and he's just he's started the conversation mid conversation yeah he's come up and he's got I've got something to say

I didn't get a question right yeah oh interesting and I'm like oh yeah and you already get the vibe I'm like trying to wrap up I don't want to talk to this guy

because he'll be weird but then he really gets my attention when he says oh I've because I've met her and I went oh yeah where did you meet her

and he goes oh I met her at the ARIA Awards fantastic and I was like oh okay that's just really piqued my interest. I was like, oh, what were you doing there? He goes, I was in the Avalanches. Fantastic. And I'm like, pardon me, I've stopped backing up completely.

Oh, yeah? What happened? He goes, yeah, I won a lot of ARIAs that year. And she presented one of the awards, went up and met her. And he goes, oh, I've actually got a photo here. I'm like, oh, my God. This is a prepackaged anecdote before he even gets near his. He's ready to go.

He's got, here you go. Shows me a photo. There he is standing on stage with Sophie Monk. And he is wearing a Rice Pickers hat. Yes. Yes. And I was like, oh, my God. I'm like, what do you do?

And you'd heard that. You'd already heard that story. On the way there. You'd listened to On the Way There. On the Way There. This is insane. About two hours beforehand, I'd been listening to it in the car and that was the bit where it stopped.

I've got chills. I did have a fish taco for breakfast. We might have to wrap this up, guys. Come on, Dave. Hit the gas. Anyway, and then he goes. Put this train into second gear. Bring out the hot dogs.

Go into the toilet and bring out the hot dogs He was there Because he was a music teacher At the school And now his daughter was there And he goes Looks me in the eyes And goes

I was 50 when I won those Arias And then he just walks away Wow And that was I just couldn't believe it I think I messaged you Or something Yeah right

Maybe You talked about it briefly But we've never talked about it I don't I it. I think I messaged you or something. Yeah, right. Maybe you talked about it briefly, but we've never talked about it. I do have a memory. This might not be this. I reckon this is a different memory. Someone else hit us up about that story to go, I think this was a story. Some guy went home with a girl and then woke up in her bedroom and looked up and there was an Aria on the bookshelf and went, did you win an Aria?

It's like, no, my dad did. He was in the avalanches and then the dad comes out, presumably in the rice paddy hat. Yeah. Even in that story Dave was telling, he's wearing it. He's always got it on. He's always wearing it. Yeah, because I feel like we also maybe had one,

I do remember the thing of someone going like, oh, he was my music teacher. Yeah. You've got to have this guy on the show. We've got to track him down. How old is he now? He'd be like 70, right? Do you know what?

Really early on in stand-up, I had a thing where I was like, you know what would be cool? If I had a drummer on stage and I was doing one-liners and I had a bit of jazz drums behind me. You're in the pyjamas. Yeah, and I asked one of the guys at the other night, I was like, do you want to come and do this? And they basically went, they didn't want to say,

I don't want to do this, but they go, how about you just get old mate with a rice paddy hat on to come and do it? Instead I'm like, absolutely not. I'm not trusting that guy doing that. That's incredible. I drum. We could get that happening now.

Oh, we could do it. But I'm just really doing Like really loud fills As you get to the point Stepping over all of it I think my style has changed Over the years too much Like back then I was just doing

Those dry one liners Whereas now It's just you drumming In the background of me Calling the front row A fucking cunt But that's good Because it's like

The one liners It's just like It's kind of the same tone But then when you're doing Crowd work And you're getting Angrier at because it's like the one line is it's just like it's kind of the same tone but then when you're doing crowd work and you're getting angrier at people there's like

you know there's kind of crescendos for the music to the max you're doing a bit of that's when you go full whiplash

yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm like I'm doing a little kind of like as you're building something and then I like

I kick someone out and then I go get back to the brush just tell me let's do some jokes. All right. Well, that is going to do it for this episode of Little Ducks.

There it is. The biggest coincidence of my life. That's crazy. Thank you for telling us that, Dave. Well, yeah, big thank you, Dave Warnicke, Jess Perkins, Matt Stewart. Thank you for joining us.

Check out Do Go On, your guys' podcast that we've been on a couple of times. Yeah, at the very least, go back. It was a very funny episode Yeah, it's a very loose go back. It was a very funny episode when, unfortunately, Dave couldn't make it. Unfortunately. Yeah.

Because we did get to talk about shit for a long time. For content's sake, it was excellent. If you're listening to this and you thought, 25 minutes of diarrhea chat, not enough for me. Well, there's another 15 minutes or so out there in the ether. It's on the Tetris episode. Yeah. Yeah.

From just before the end of last year. But yeah, it's a great pod. So check that out if you don't already listen. And Dave and Matt, you have your own podcasts as well? Oh, yeah, that's right. I do one called Book Cheat, which is, it's kind of nerdy, but also it means you don't have to read. Well, it means you don't have to read. I read a classic book and tell guests about it.

Right. So by the end of it, you know about Charles Dickens or whatever. But then it's, you know, it's like our other show, Do Go On. We riff along. We're doing Little Women, an episode for the girls. Yeah, so that one's Book Cheating, Matt. I do one called Who Knew It With Matt Stewart, and it's like a comedy quiz show where guests come on

and they ask a question, they write made-up answers, and then have to guess the real one. It sounds complicated, but it's... It's very fun. Very fun. Jess does one too. Oh, yeah. Cool.

Oh, yeah, I do one called Simply The Jest. It's a Triple J segment we do where we get people's fucked stories. Cool. And it's really, really fun. Sweet. And it's named after me, kind of. And we're all doing shows at this year's comedy festival. Okay.

That's so good. You are too? I am. Carl's not though. No. Carl's not. Why not Carl? Couldn't afford the drummer.

He's really rinsing me. Getting the kid into a 40 seat room. It's too hard. They wouldn't register my train based comedy show where we fill up the train. It's a dinner and a show. And I refuse to let people eat what I had lined up for them. Let's put it this way. The nut cream hot dog buns did not have a wrapper on them.

I'm cooking them up in the toilet. Wow, this metaphor really got us stretched to the peak of its ability. What are your shows called, Matt? Ding. Okay. Jess? Almost Maybe. Dave?

And mine, Even Hotter in Real Life. That's so good. Fantastic stuff. And it's true, Dave. Thank you so much. If you think my voice sounds sexy, just wait until you see my face. In real life. In real life.

And if you see a photo of it. I find you hotter in fiction. I hope so. You got that wedding ring on? You might want to take that off for the show. That's my advice. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. Oh, we actually listened. And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie's kicked a big one over. All three of those guests. A year in the making. Yes, dude. We did go on.

Yeah. That was a long one, wasn't it? I think that was a long one. Longish one. Yep. Great little yarn from Warnakee at the end there. We've had a good start to January. Yeah, well, we just did.

Or to the year. Yeah. 2023 is going to be our year. The year. We've clocked January already because that's we've done next week's already and that was a really good one too

I'm excited for people to hear next week's one clear your calendar folks schedule a nice hour long drive for next Wednesday morning so you've got something to listen to the show on get your mates around have a listening party yep

yep but no that was a very good one with the do go on people and uh like we said i think within the episode go back and listen a couple of months ago we did an episode of their show and it was very funny we probably made it more like our show than their show yep uh i hope they were okay with that yep yeah i never listened back to see how much of what we did got taken out. But I assume it got left. Yeah, I doubt. Well, I think early on you were like,

oh, they're going to have to edit this out or whatever. And then I made sure I just talked about it every two minutes or so. Yeah, I remember there being a bit of discussion of like, Dave's going to hate this. Yes. So he was not there. We were making fun of him. The look on their faces when I brought up Dave's diarrhea,

it was like, oh, they were not expecting this. It's like, okay, well, you're going to cop this for an hour. Well, we were making fun of Dave for not being there, and he's also the one that edits the show. So he's getting the files and then having to listen back to people in a room. He's not in making fun of him, which I would not enjoy if I was in his position. But, you know, if you start up a shop called Tommy Daslow is a shit cunt and it made a million dollars in its first day,

then you go, okay, I just have to cop it. What are we selling? T-shirts, maybe, that say that? That say that. Yeah, maybe. Okay, right. And it makes a million dollars in its first day. That's a fucking lot of T-shirts that we've ordered in.

That is a lot. Thank God we made a million because we are in the red. You don't know how many I ordered. I ordered a billion's worth. Ah, fuck. We're in trouble. It's still bad.

To make a million and it still not be enough. And that's all, that's basically all the people who wanted that shirt came in on the first day. Right. So tomorrow we might

only sell three. Right. That's a shame. But anyway, we got the metaphor out there and it sort of vaguely worked. Yeah, it worked for a bit and then I think we probably just pushed it a little too hard. Yeah. But anyway, we got the metaphor out there and it sort of vaguely worked. Yeah, it worked for a bit. And then I think we probably just pushed it a little too hard.

Yeah. But we're at the... We both lost interest. The audience lost interest even when it was working. Hey, it's all worked out for the best. Yep. But hey, if you have not lost interest in the Little Dum Dum Club, and in fact, you have a great deal of interest and you want more content from the Little Dum Dum Club.

Well, first of all, you can go to live shows You can go to live shows. Like we said April 1, 8 15, 22, that's Melbourne and of course before that Adelaide is March the 11th. That's true and also if you're in Adelaide you can come and see my solo show Scam Artist

Feb 28 until March the 4th and then it's also on in Melbourne from the 28th of March Until the 9th of April I believe The first like 10 days of the festival Lots of live comedy happening God damn it Come and see a live show

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for those tickets And yeah while you're there Sign up to the Patreon If the live shows aren't enough Because the live shows are like You're getting to see the content in the room. You're getting to see it a little bit before it comes out onto the feed. But if you want even more content that you couldn't otherwise get, you've got to get behind the paywall.

We should start doing like a 10 minutes coda PS at the end of the live shows just to reward people for coming along. A little unrecorded. Yeah. A little bit that doesn't go out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's not a bad idea. A little dirty section.

Yep. Where we just say all the bad words. Oh, yes. The F word. The stuff we're not allowed to say on this show. Well, and because it's live, we can put our middle fingers up. Oh, yes. And people can see that in the room.

You don't get that over the audio. We can suck each other off. You're right. That's so rude. Yep. Yeah, get onto the Patreon. Patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. And Mondays and Fridays, you get a little bonus mini episode, often featuring guests that you've just heard on the episode,

which is, in fact, what you're going to get this coming week. Yes. You get all the Do Go On guys. We did a little bonus with them. And we do some lovely extra bits after. We've obviously been red hot. We've just done an hour's worth of content. We're red hot by the end of it and then we plough straight into that.

Yep. So they're always good. They're always nice and warmed up and we're in the zone. So if you like this one, get some more. Yeah. But the way you can do that

is patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Sign up there. Get lots of other episodes and of course the chance to get your name read out and immortalized. Imagine that on a podcast. Imagine having your name on a podcast, Tommy Desolo. Did you like that just then?

That was pretty good. That felt amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. You've been on the waiting list for a while. For the first time in my life, I understood what it is to be a listener of this show. You've been complaining all week to me. You're like, how long is it going to take?

Fuck, Carl, come on. I've been on every fucking episode. I've been invested since F1. It's been 13 goddamn years. You've only been a Patreon subscriber for a couple of years, though, Tommy. It took a while to get around to you. Do you subscribe to anything on Patreon?

No. Okay. No. No. I can't think of any. Maybe I'm tempted by this. There's one podcast I listen to where the whole thing is, oh, it comes out early. I'm like, I don't really give a fuck when it comes out.

I'm happy to wait another three days. Yeah. I've always been interested in how much of a selling point that is to people. But I'm on one where I get it early and I'm like, oh, this rules. Is it good? Yeah. I think mainly because it was just like, well, it's good for a bit because I'd hit, I was kind of up to date with the main feed.

Right. And then I subscribed to Patreon and so they were like a month ahead. Right. So I had like a whole bunch of new episodes all of a sudden. But then it's the same problem again. I caught up and it's like, well, now I'm just waiting week to week anyway. So the answer's a good deal. Do other people do us?

Like us, where it's a lot of bonus content? Like there is a couple of podcasts I listen to where all of a sudden mid-conversation it fades out and there's music and they go, anyway, to hear the rest of this. The unedited, yeah. No, it's not even unedited. It's like halfway through the conversation,

it's like, you know, what do you like better chocolate or vanilla well I guess I'd really got to say and then it's like to hear the answer you're going to have to

get over to Patreon well I listen to this one that's like a video games podcast that I really like where they do these like two hour long deep dives into just one game

so they just talk about every facet of it from like the like art direct you know they're just like really deep discussions about the games and i really enjoy it it's very nerdy but it's like i like it and they're very dry they're not they're pretty like they're not funny about it it's just like dry where do you listen to these what where do you listen to them what do you mean when you listen to this podcast what are you doing oh in

the car maybe i'm on a walk mostly in the car right long drive two hour long discussion about a video game love it and so that's the one that's like the main thing you get on the patreon is the eps a month early but then they also do a patreon only once a month all the contributors just sitting around having a chat about whatever i'm like no i'm fine. They're all such dry people and they're very good at talking about this art form. But I'm like, I don't really need to hear you riffing it up about your lives.

I don't really get anything out of your personality on those shows that makes me think that'd be a total gas. And I do wonder how many of the Patreon subscribers of that show are like, yes, the monthly chat episode. Yeah. There's a podcast rather i'm not a podcast a vlogger i watch where yeah that's that's a whole different thing you

start to hear like it's this bullshit that we talk about but it's like vloggers and you start to hear a bit of behind the curtain with them and you know they can't help but like talk about how they do things and whatever on that stuff. And one of them the other day put up a whole thing of a real admin episode. It's like, cunt, get the GoPro out. Get the fucking drone out. Get some fucking above footage of jungles in Thailand. And fucking press play.

Okay? I don't hear the fucking invoicing. My girlfriend's been getting into the vlogs. She's been watching a lot of van life uh vlogs what's that you know people that live in vans right and just kind of travel around she's gotten really into it the point where i'm starting to think like i think this is something that's going to be floated for us you're going to get home there's going to be a winnebago out the front exactly but she was watching one of them the other day that was like

that that was just like this couple. That would be great if you got home and the Winnebago's out the front and you go, oh, it's finally happening, we're travelling. She's like, no, I'm leaving you. It's packed. Bye-bye. Yeah, you're leaving the house and I'm coming with you. Yeah, yeah.

We're leaving us, not you're leaving me. Yeah, she was watching this ep of this couple and it was just like them describing their new content strategy. Yeah. And just like deep, deep analysis of like, and you know, the Instagram videos used to go for this long and we found that that was a bit too long. So we're going to start shrinking them down. And then the aspect ratio we were filming in was wrong. And I was just sitting there, I was like reading next to her in bed.

I was like, how are you watching this? This is so boring. Like she's just glued to it. I'm like, you can't honestly tell me you give this much of a fuck about the nitty-gritty of literally what file format these videos were exporting in. Good lord. I mean, this section of the show is bad to some degree,

but it's not that bad. You know what I mean? We don't go that deep in our bullshit and yeah anyway i mean you're right it is the pot calling the kettle yeah anyway let's read some names out and then in 15 minutes time it just breaks down because it's us going i'm hungry it's lunchtime no yeah fair enough i got a i got a i got a little mcmuffin on the way here i got donnie's delivered and fuck, I felt like a king. I could have guessed that.

You know why? Because I put a little bit of rubbish in your bin on the way and I saw a big old Macca's bag up top. I'm really bad at remembering to get a little snacky because we're starting at 11 a.m. today, which is like I don't really eat in the morning. No, I don't either. But then it's like... But I could say this. It's two o'clock now.

Yeah, exactly. I'd be losing my little mind. I was starting to think forward and I was like, yeah, and I'm a little hungover. It's like, fuck it. You know what? Getting a little... This is what I did. I got the Mighty McMuffin. What's that?

It's the McDonald's muffin, but it's got the sausage and the bacon. Oh, okay. Sausage, bacon, cheese, egg. Normally comes with ketchup. Took the ketchup out. Put some chicken sauce on there. Oh. Beautiful.

Nice. Beautiful stuff from Donnie's this morning. They took very good care of me. Right. You know what fucks me off? Donnie's on Uber Eats. They've got the breakfast section on there after 10.30. You can only get a hash brown.

You can't get the muffins. But if you go into the shop, they do the muffins around the clock now. Oh, so delivery. But on Uber Eats, they still cut you off. Like it's fucking 1997. Wow. Fucks me off to the nth degree. That's funny.

I'm so off it. That's funny. Especially when you're like, you know, you're just after. It would be one thing if they said no breakfast. But to leave one thing on the menu is weird. Yes. Yeah. It's like, cool, well, I can get a hash brown and put it in my McChicken.

Yeah. It's like I can get fries. I've moved beyond the hash brown at lunchtime. Fucking annoying. That's weird. That is weird. Grow up. Yeah.

Anyway, we got to get deep into this. We've got to read out some names. We've got to thank some people who support us on Patreon. We've got the unplanned title alternator. It's going to be a random assortment of names. Who knows how many and who knows what ones are going to come out. Good intro, Tommy. I think everyone knows what's going to happen now.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber First Cabber off the rank this week. His name is Will Scott. It's not a question. That's a name. Will Scott. Will Scott, subscribe to Patreon. Will, yes. Next name.

Well, and of course, if you're getting that read out, you know, classroom role style, Scott Will. Scott Will what?, classroom role style, Scott Will. Scott Will what? Yeah. What's, what Will Scott? No, no, you do the, this is like some old joke or whatever. Fuck, this is a tough one. Will Scott?

Scott Will. Yeah. Yeah. This is a shit name. Nah, it's good. I don't mind it. I don't like it at all. I don't mind it. Willie Scott.

I hate it. I fucking hate it. Willie Scotty. Willie Scotty. Yeah. Fucking A. Willie Scotty. Willie Scotty.

Yeah. Two first names. Two, you know, two first names of people that would probably like to go to the snow, I reckon. I was doing karaoke last night and you had to like write your song. One song or how many songs did you do? I put in one and then I got roped into a couple of others with friends that got up. My friend put one in and got sick of waiting and then he went home. And then literally the second he walked down the stairs, it came up.

It's burning down the house by talking heads. And I was like, you know what? I love this song. I'm going to get up and give this a crack. But you had to write down the song name, write down your name, give it to the host, and then they're kind of typing it into a little thing and it's coming up on the screen. And literally every time it came up, the name was wrong. To the point where I was like, this person must be doing this on purpose.

Just fucking up people's names by just like one letter. It was making me laugh a lot. It got to the point where it's like, no, you're doing this deliberately. Yeah, great. You didn't go and ask? That would have been good. No, I didn't feel comfortable asking. It's for someone drunk. Why are you getting people's names wrong?

Did you turn Vicky into Mickey? Yeah, yeah, it was a lot of that. Just like, yeah, espresso martini in my hand. Like, are you doing a funny bit or are you just stupid? Yeah, that's good. Willie Scott. William Scott, I think. Is Scott short for anything?

It's weird that Scott's not short for anything. It really does have all the makings of something that's been short. It feels like it could be. It feels like it could be one of those things where I was today years old when I found out Scott was short for... Scott Trick. I was just going to put, is Scott short for something? I type in I space S. Is Santa real?

Is shingles contagious? Is steam down? And is Santa real again? That is... Imagine that. Like, fuck. We're now in that age. I've never thought about this.

You're a kid and you're Googling. You're Googling. That's the worst way to find out. That's worse than finding the He-Man adventures under your parents' bed. Yeah. Which is how my friend found out and then he went and told me the hayman adventures like big oh you mean the present yeah from santa okay right right i was like a i'm sure i've said this before i was at school and there was like a bit of bit of dissent within the

friendship group of just like you know that first kid that like got filled in by their parents. Yeah. And then they just start being like, you guys are fucking, you're idiots. Yeah. And there's always like one guy holding out like, I remember my friend Pete being like, but mum and dad said we couldn't afford a bike. And then I got a bike. How do you explain that? Yeah.

And I think I just, I got home and I was like, because you really do. It's the first, it's's the one of the first things where you start to become very conscious of like i don't want to be a baby anymore yes and so if this is what it is then i i want to accelerate myself out of this but i i feel like i felt bad for my parents because they're still going oh santa this santa there So I'd be like, yeah, that's right. No, I remember coming home and I was like, give it to me straight. Oh, really? Yeah, I went on the front foot. I called them on it and my parents were like, yeah.

And my mum still brings it up. She's like, I'll never forget you barging into the living room and being like, I want the truth. No, I was romantic. I was like, all right, I'm keeping this in. Romantic. I want to fuck Santa. I want to keep this down.

I remember my brother being like, I remember hearing someone come around to our house, a friend of his, and going, do you know, did you know that Santa's not real? And him going, what, what, what? And me barging into the room going, what are you boys doing? Come on, let's go and play some cricket. Just like change the subject. Yeah. I saw a thing on Instagram the other day that drove me up the fucking wall.

This person sharing a video. They've got a six-month-old kid. And it was just the most like just begging for engagement post where this person was like, yeah, me and my husband have been having this debate. This was like just before Christmas. and my husband have been having this debate. This was just before Christmas. Yeah, we've been debating. We just think, I just think from the get-go, let's just say that Santa's not real

because it's all just fucking corporate bullshit. Let's just not fuck around with it. And he disagrees. He thinks we need to keep the magic. And what do you guys think? And it's just all these people going like, it's a six month old. First of all,

you don't really have to worry about this for a bit. And second of all, Let's move it on to solids first before we worry about... It's the one bit of magic that you have in your life and then once you're clear of that,

you never have anything like that again. Let the fucking kid believe in Santa. God, it annoyed me because it was also just one of those things where it's like, you're not really having this debate.

You've just put this video up here to get the comments to fire up and then be like, yes, I've done a worthwhile post. I was sitting there thinking, you know, before Christmas, I wonder how many years I've got with little blanket of Santa. Three now? Four soon? Four soon. Four soon.

Okay. So I was like... Yeah, what is... I mean, if it's coming up on Google is Santa real, then presumably it's getting younger, you would think.

Maybe. It's a lot harder for parents to keep the kids in the dark. You know what I was like, so she's three, I'm like, she's so far away from learning about

that sort of stuff. She's only just sort of figured out what Santa is. So she's conscious of it. This last Christmas was a really good Christmas because she knew the whole deal. It was the first really sort of like she knows what the fuck is going on in life. That's cool. So it was really good.

It's exciting. Good lead up. But then what was funny was I, she gets all the presents and then like the day later, she looks up the top of my cupboard. I thought I've done everything really well. I hid everything really well before Christmas. We did everything. I spent Christmas Eve at midnight locked in our bathroom because don't say a name's gone to bed at fucking 8 o'clock.

The kid's gone to bed at 8 o'clock. I've sat up doing something, had a couple of beers, then went, I guess I better wrap the presents. That'll take five minutes. No, it doesn't. It takes fucking two hours. Nightmare. I sat in the bathroom to not wake anyone up or get seen or have the lights on, just going, why the fuck did I do this?

It's like high school all over again and comedy festival all over again. Doing everything at the last minute, wrapping fucking stuff at midnight and did all that, got it done, shoved it out there under the tree, all that sort of stuff. Put little, individual little name tags on it, little,

tiny little things. So then everything goes well the next day, blah, blah, blah. Comes probably the next day, she looks up in the cupboard and goes, what's that up there?

And it was like the rest of the name tags that Santa had given her. And she's like, that's like the things on the Santa's presents. I'm like, yeah. We've got fucking Falumbo over here. Yeah. She's like, just one more thing, Daddy.

Why are they there? And what are you doing? You just gaslight her. No, they're not. Yeah, I'm just like. They're different. Yeah, I just go, I don't know you're you're seeing things you're crazy i'm like you're hysterical i actually just went you know what i'm i'm arguing with a three-year-old right

just not even going to give it the proper argument i just go don't know i can just stop talking and that's the end of the conversation that's what it was there's no obligation here whatsoever yeah yeah i don't think you have the wherewithal to discover the real answer it is funny we're gonna play straight back and go don't know my girlfriend's nephew will come around here and i'll just be in a conversation i'm like what is this kid fucking talking about and then you realize like this thing has zero attention span if i just stop talking now it's over and then it's like you look at him and it's like, yeah, he's forgotten he was ever talking to me. He's focusing on something else now.

God, I wish, I was in a couple of conversations last night where I was like, fuck, I wish I could just get out of this. Yeah, I just do. I'm out of my depth. Blanket will go nuts about something, go crazy, and just, it's the end of the world. And my wife will be like, oh my God, I'm trying to reason with her.

And it's like, I can't, you know, it's just too crazy. you know it's it's just too crazy like how do we get out of this how do we get it yeah i'll just go up and go and just she'll be just distraught about you know something not being there or not being able to have one more chip or something and i'll just walk up and go that's all very well and good blanket but what if the tickle monster was here right now yeah absolutely just tickle her for one second and it's gone. Then she's like, yeah, daddy, bring the tickle monster back. I'm like, yep, that's the end of that one. That's the end of that drama.

Thanks, Will Scott. Scott, let's do that for these Patreon reads and we just get sick of riffing on a name. Anyway, then the tickle monster got him. Then the name monster came in. What is Scott Short for? Nothing.

It's a complete, fully functioning surname. Surname. Well, I didn't ask about that. I asked about the first one. I asked about Santa. Yeah, in its own right. What? By the way, when you Google is Santa real, what does it say?

Oh, good question. You would think that we should be in an age where the parents of the world all get together and pay for like the SEO to bring up, you know, the first page of results. It's like, yeah, he's real. Because it's like, who is Googling that? Kids. So, you know what I mean? Like if Google was responsible, they would have a fake page of results.

Yes. Well, here's what comes up. Here's the first three responses. Is Santa real? According to historical records, Santa is real. Fantastic. The second response. Answer.

Santa is real, of course. Third response. Yes, Santa is real. I love it. There you go. That's great. Done. Awesome.

Good work, Google. Yeah. So I'm going to encourage my kids to Google it now. All right. You can have an iPhone. I've caved. There's no risk now. Now look up where Daddy bought his fucking greeting cards from as well.

He just shops at the same place as Santa. That's all. Yeah, exactly. It's a popular shop. No biggie. It's the only thing open on Christmas Eve. The only thing that got me when I was a kid was like, why this whole thing about Santa's workshop? Like, that's the thing that confused me.

I'm like, why the fuck is Santa's workshop? Why are they making the exact same products that, like... It's a very, yeah, it's a very antiquated, it's like such an old school, like... Yes. Yeah, I got a handmade fucking little wooden toy, you know, train. Not just like, no, I got the popular Pokemon action figure off the shelf of World for Kids.

They didn't, yeah. They didn't make a Pokemon. I would always see the thing of like the Santa's work, and they're always making the most generic looking bullshit, and I'd always be like, fuck, I hope that doesn't turn up in my stocking. That looks so lame. You never see the elves working on plastics or anything.

Yeah. I was a little bit like I'm fine with it all But just be a little bit more realistic with the workshop element Yeah Put the little fucking dollhouse down And get to work on a stretch Armstrong Yeah, yeah

Because that's what I'm wanting Yeah, I want like a fucking Super Bowl or something You know, or a comic book You know, like They're not doing their own penciling and inking and stuff like that. Yeah, the elves are hunched over,

they're putting together the Nintendo Switch, they're fucking sealing that OLED screen onto the frame. yeah, they're, they're,

they're doing everything, they're just pulling in a shift after they've been out of the publishing house because of all the fucking books I got. Yep. Uh,

thanks Will Scott, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Drew Ther T-H-E-R books I got. Yep. Thanks, Will Scott. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Drew Ther T-H-E-R Is that a real name or just an abbreviation?

Drew Ther. Drew Ther. Drew Ther Landros. Yeah. I don't know if that's a full last name. Is that a full last name? T-H-E-R?

I guess. I mean, I can't... I don't know what it would be. Lex Druther. Druther. Interesting. It's a strange... It's a strange last name.

Strange last name. I feel like I've seen... Some of these names you just come across on the socials with all of our bullshit, and you go, well, this person's been subscribing for ages. I've read this name for years. Oh, no.

They've just been listening to this show for 10 years and never signed up before. Right, right, right. I reckon this guy is one of them. Druther. I've read this name for years. Oh, no. They've just been listening to this show for 10 years and never signed up before. Right, right, right. I reckon this guy is one of them. Druther. I've seen the name. Druther. Let's have a look.

Let's have a look if he turns up in any of the groups. No results in that one. By the way, follow on from last week. Did you hear back from the tennis player? I did not. Fuck. The tennis player that thought he saw Snoopy at the tennis. During a heat wave.

Yes. Playing a match and listening. No, someone did hit us up to go. I did look him up on Twitter. And again, hasn't been active for 10 years. Ah, really? But someone did hit us up to go get him on Instagram. Okay.

Well, yeah, no, we had a guy be like, I live in Canada where this guy's from and I used to be a sports journalist. So we follow a lot of the same people. So if I hit him up, it might lend it some credibility, which I don't hate it. I've been watching the tennis a bit because the Australian Open is currently on.

And the other day during a match, they cut to a shot of the crowd and there was a group of about four fellas and they were all wearing matching Snoopy t-shirts. And I couldn't get my phone out quick enough to get a photo of the screen. But I was like, is that it? Are they referencing that? But what else are they referencing if not?

Four lads going like, hey, boys, you know what will be a real gas? Let's all wear matching Snoopy. Literally all wearing the exact same patterned snoopy shirt yes which i mean i love if this if this event that happened seven years ago now whatever it was maybe not quite that long but a little while ago it was if that's that ubiquitous that it's like a little gag thing to go to the tennis wearing yeah when that guy's not playing yes he doesn't even play anymore no No. I kind of love it. No, it's great. It should be a prerequisite that everyone going to the tennis

has to wear some form of Snoopy memorabilia. Yeah. I think if – because someone said he's now – a listener said he's now the Canadian Davis Cup captain. Okay, right. But, look, if not the Australian Open, then definitely when he's there for the for the davis cup yeah i think that's very funny where it's like they're trying to convince him he's

seeing snoopy again even though he's not even playing now he's just coaching well they you know there's that netflix series that's just come out that's like a um tennis doco series that follows the tour around and like kirios is in it um they next season they just go back in time and they they got to do a whole ep on this guy yeah there's so much more to the story yes as we discovered when we started talking about it i reckon there isn't there's just so much more to be made up of right yeah yeah it's it's i love the idea that it's just it has a comeback yeah like it's it kind of was just like a little odd spot at the time yeah as part of a larger story of like we got it it's inhumane to make these people do this when it's this hot like it's just unsafe that was kind of the headline and now

with a bit of distance it's like that's a very fucking funny thing that happened to that man what i would like to see happen next is that for it to be hot again and for another player to see Snoopy not something else to see Snoopy again so that it's happened twice and now

people start to suspect it's not a hallucination Snoopy is haunting the tennis centre because Snoopy's dead canonically he's passed away Snoopy is like the phantom of the opera yeah yeah yeah but of rod laver arena you're right whatever or just whatever

whatever it ends up being if it happened again that's enough that's that's enough that like that can't be a coincidence there's got to be a show there is going to have to be a deep uh investigation why are people yeah seeing snoopy so often yeah at the tennis center yep and then it's like even when the tennis isn't on if you know it's like late jan or like early jan and you just get like an absolute scorcher yeah and it's like, we need this control sample for our thesis. We've got to get someone into the arena right now and get them to just start having a hit around. They have to open it up.

It's a week until the open starts. They need to find out what temperature it has to be before you see Snoopy. It's like it's 45 degrees outside. We need this data for our study. I want that to start being on the weather. It's a scorcher today.

Watch out for Snoopy. Feels like 40. Looks like Snoopy. See, it's crazy how much meat is on this bone. We're now in the second week of talking about the same story. Nothing new has happened but we're still finding

fresh angles. This has got to be a new we've got to do Snoopy Corner everywhere. We've got to check in on any thoughts we have about this story during the week.

We've got to get it in the main feed. There's some people that don't listen to Talking Dumb though. Yeah, that's true. I mean, look, we've still got

there's still a week in a bit. Oh no, what's today? Yeah, there's still a week left of the Australian Open. I'm holding out hope. I'm watching I've literally I mean, I love watching the open anyway but i've had more of an interest in i've been watching so many matches just on the off chance that i see that glimmer in a player's like i see a little glimmer in demon or's eyes where i'm like i reckon

i know what's going on in that head he's seeing snoopy yeah yeah it's happening again but i want to go so i i i'm not a big tennis guy. I went once about four years ago. I don't think you came, but we started, you used to live sort of opposite it. Fuck, that year was good. Really close.

There was a year I went so much because it was like, I'd be at home and I'd just be like, oh yeah, I'm just going to buy, you know the ground passes are like cheaper after like 5pm. Oh right.

So I was like, I'd be at home, gone to the gym, like, I'm going to buy a ground pass and just go like walk around. Yeah. Well, you weren't with us, I don't think. No. I had something on. I think I was – I was maybe going the next day with my mum or something. I had – anyway.

I met you for a drink beforehand. Yeah, that's right. I was going to say, I thought maybe we'd done an episode beforehand or something. Anyway. Anyway. Maybe. We had a drink and it must have been me, Blakey,

Oliver Clark, someone else. Oh, Milan, yeah. Maybe that was the whole thing. Yeah. And if we could reenact that because we just went there, we watched half an hour of tennis

or we were there all day and all night. Not all night, like early night. Yeah. We were there a long time, just drank the whole time. Yep. I'd like to like early night. Yeah. Well, they're a long time. Just drank the whole time. Yep.

I'd like to recreate that. Get, get to a point where you're so drunk, you're seeing Snoopy. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yep.

Just, this is the new, like, yeah, it's like the fire danger, right thing. You know, the,

like the, like the needle, right on the little scale. Yeah. And it's just like beyond catastrophic is just snoopy it's like the thing where they pull something out of a car and you you've got to walk in a straight line it's not that it's like they just pull out nothing and go what do you see who do you see oh it's like almost like a rorschach yeah test who do you see yeah

because yes snoopy's you know he's very simple design he's black and white yeah you can just do some blots but you just go you just point at nothing and go, who do you see there? Yeah. Well, that's Snoopy, of course. Yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Get this man into the ER.

Yeah. Put this man on a drip. Yeah. Well, I'm going on Wednesday. So I'm going to be on the lookout. Yeah. I'm going to be on the lookout for a certain little beagle. Yes.

Good. Have a look. If there's any dog kennels, see if he's having a rest on top of it. What else? That's about all he's doing. I would say Kewpie, he's not a beagle, but he's not a million miles away from Snoopy. He's white. He's got the little black nose.

He doesn't have the floppy black ears. Does Snoopy chew the fuck out of everything in a room? Because that's what your dog's doing. Yeah, it's a fucking... He just chewed a box in half. Yeah. And a rug. He be chewing.

Yeah. He love to be chewing. Fucking hell. Alright. Thanks, Drew Thurr. Thanks, Drew Thurr. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Stu Stoltz. Stu Stoltz.

Schultz. What? Stoltz sounds like Schultz. Charles Scholtz. Schultz. What? Stoltz sounds like Schultz. Charles Schultz. Oh, right. The creator of Snoopy. Right, right, right. Yes.

This goes all the way to the top. We were just talking about that. Speaking of Snoopy and Beagles, I've been reminded of this recently. That's all we've got for Stu Stoltz, is it? Yeah. Okay. I've just been reminded of this recently. I think you'll enjoy this.

My ex-girlfriend of She'll Be Back fame. Right. I just have this very... Was that her name? Sheila B. Back? Shelby. Shelby Bach. Sheila B. Back.

She had this step-mom. Ever seen her again since the last time, since the last update? And never heard anything again? No. Okay. She had this step-mom that none of her and her siblings, classic like her dad

cheated on their mom with the secretary and then got together with the secretary and then this was their step-mom. So it's like, that's a tough relationship. That's someone who,

if you're that step-mom, you've just got to accept like, these kids are never going to like me. I broke up the family. Yep. And so they were just like, off her. And the first time I met her, I went round to their house for dinner.

And, you know, it's fine. And then we're in the car on the way back. And my girlfriend's older sister was just going off about her. She's like, God, she's disgusting. She's just like, I can't believe our dad fucks her. And then she's like, God, she'd look disgusting in the nude i reckon her tits would look like a beagle's ear and that's just you know those things that you hear where you're like i'm gonna be thinking about this for the rest of my life you just know in that moment i'm never gonna forget this that is such beautiful evocative

imagery yeah you just know immediately. You have the picture right there in your head. Yeah. A tit like a beagle's ear. Yeah. A little flapjack. Do you know what? My wife once commented on, who was it?

There was someone on TV, Sonia Kruger, was going, best arms in the business. Arms? Yeah, best arms. And I was like, oh. And I was like, i've never looked at a woman's arms before but then once she said that now it's stuck in my head yeah now i look at women now you look at arms okay interesting i gotta say i've i've i've come around on legs in the last couple of years really i never used to be a you know a leg i never i don't get yeah i

don't get what differentiates a good from a bad yeah and then i think it was just saying enough like really great looking legs or i'm like i get it men and women yeah i'm at the gym i'm like leg day don't see the point but then yeah you see a you see a fucking beautiful quad and you're like all right this is making a lot more sense well i'm not i'm not at that stage i'm i've stage. I'm still awakening to arms. Right. So, yeah. You can work your way down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a pussy guy. Yeah, yeah. I've still got to get it pointed out to me. Yeah. That's great. Someone will be like, you're a tits man or you're an ass man? I'm a pussy man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like them. I like the vagina. I'm more of a vagina guy. I mean, it's hard. It's like... I mean, look, you can fuck an arm if you want. Yeah. But this is what I'm into., you can fuck an arm if you want. Yeah.

But this is what I'm into. Look, I have to get a lot deeper down the rabbit hole before I get a good glimpse at the thing that I'm most into. And that's annoying. That's hard. Yeah. But, you know... I've tried it all, but pussy's the easiest one to fuck. Yep.

Yeah. That's... Yeah, no pressure on you, but... Thanks, Stoltz. Thanks, Stuart Stoltz Thanks, Stoltz. Thanks, Stuart Stoltz. Stuart Stoltz. I shouldn't be pronouncing the T because it's just Stolz. I should say Stolz.

Stuart Stolz. Apologies, Stuart Stolz. Stewie Stolz. It just feels like you should be... I bet he's copying that all through his life. It feels like it's an easy one to just whack another T in there. Yeah. But it's not.

Stolz. It's not. Stu Stolz. It's not. Stu Stolz. We're being inappropriate. We're being improper. He's, I mean, I feel like Stolz would be better because it feels like he's stealing something. Stu Stolz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

He could be a criminal. Yeah. It's, you know, back a couple of generations. That could be what his ancestors did. Yeah. It's back a couple of generations. That could be what his ancestors did. Yeah. They got sent to Australia. I mean, it's enough that everyone's on the boat 250 years ago because we all know what we've done here.

Yep. We've stolen something. That's not enough. They've got to rename him. Yeah. So how does he stick out? Yeah, that's what everyone yeah is yeah so he so then he stole from one of the other thieves maybe wow you're the worst of the worst maybe

there was a baby that just got chucked on the on the boat and they're like where's the parents of this one like don't know okay well what's the name of this kid well who knows because the parents aren't here. All right. Well, I guess we've got a fair idea of what he must have done to turn up on this boat. This baby stole something. Yeah. So what's his name? He stole milk out of a pit.

Stewie Stolls. That's his name. Stewie Stolls. Stolls. There he is. So that's who this is. A 250-year-old man. Yes.

Thank you, Stuart. Thanks for giving us your pension. And I hope now that you're this old, you're handed back whatever you stole. Yeah, exactly. Went back to England, gave back the milk. Yeah. Came back again. And has been trying to do good ever since by signing up to random podcast.

Exactly. Patreon. Yeah. Thanks, Stu. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Greg Wolf. All right. Yeah. All right.

There you go. But not the wolf that your granddaddy knew. Yeah. W-U-L-F. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. That's still wolf though, isn't it?

I don't know. Wolf sounds insane. I like it. It sounds insane. Wolf. Greg Wolf. Greg Wolf. I don't care what it is.

If you're the owner of that name, you're pronouncing it Wolf. You're saying Wolf. Because that sounds a million percent cooler. And let's be honest. You're just starting to spell it Wolf as well. Yeah. Just go all in. Just do it.

Yeah. Change one vowel. I'm doing it now. It's easy. I'm changing it on this file that I have here right here. I'm just changing it to Wolf. And that's a legally binding document. That is.

Yeah. The person who listens to our show is called Greg Wolf. Mm-hmm. Not. It's Stoltz and it's Wolf. Yes. Yes, yes. We're punching up your names.

We're making your names better. Because then, if you go by Wolf, people are going to think that you're a, you know, it's A, it sounds cool. And then a lot of people are going to think that you're a relative of dick wolf the executive producer of law and order yeah i believe some and that's cool some sort of svu related people love that show i got into a i got into a bit of an svu hole a few years ago i was just kind of i was just kind of racking them up going back through the archives watching the new ones when they dropped i was like this is just really good popcorn entertainment.

Case of the, you know, every show now is like, once you're in, you're in for the whole thing. You know, you've got to be watching it week to week. It's the same stuff happening all the way through. There is something refreshing about just a classic show that just fucking resets at the end of the 50 minutes. It's nice. A little case of the week,

a little murder that's going to be wrapped up. It's good. That's the show that Quentin Tarantino did one episode of, isn't it? I actually don't know that. I think he did one episode of it. Of SVU? Yeah. So he, like, what, wrote and directed it?

I'm pretty sure maybe he directed it. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah. But, like, back in the day or because it's been on? No, no, no, no, no. This is like he's a fan and he touches base and they're like, oh, the great man. Yes.

It would be an honour. Yes, exactly. Okay, first order of business. We open on a shot of Ice-T's feet. Yes. Yes. Fuck. Can I?

I'm going to look this up. Did Quentin Tarantino Ever direct an episode Of Law and Order Yeah SVU There's gotta be I don't like the way

They've changed their Fucking layout On IMDB Oh you're going Okay Yeah No I'm doing that You're going down as IMDB

Yeah absolutely CSI. Okay. Same thing. Still, it's kind of weird that that sort of stuff doesn't happen more, where you have a big marquee director who's just a fan of some random show and he's like, hey, can I come in and do one? Yeah.

You would think that would happen way more. I just thought maybe you might have known, because I did read about it the other day and i was like how differing from the template can you make it when you get a big director how how much more like is everyone is there a lot more n words in that episode right if you're watching that ep and you miss the opening kind of credits where it's like you know it's got the like directed by quentin tarantino yeah are you getting halfway through and being like this has got tarantino written all over it i swear am i going insane yeah what did quentin tarantino direct this episode yeah is everyone like it's

all way too verbose yeah um i mean it would be cool if that sort of thing happened more like if you had like fuck what's a really long-running show that's still on? What's like a classic, like a long-term network show? Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune. Paul Thomas Anderson comes in and has a crack at a Wheel of Fortune. Right. So he's like, got a whole bunch of Amy Mann songs in there. Right.

Frogs are falling from the roof when they get the thing right. Yeah. I think it's really, I mean, that dude's a wank right. I think it's really... I mean, that dude's a wanker, I think. But he's got that thing where he's like, I'm only directing 10 movies ever and then I retire. PTA? No, Tarantino.

Tarantino, right. Yeah. Why? You can change it. I know you said that one day, but you can change it because you made the rule. Who fucking cares how many you do? Yeah, I mean, I kind you do yeah it's i i mean

i kind of get that it's like yeah an interesting soundbite but like yeah you have to know that you're not going to end up following up on that but also it's like then you start having to make a rule where it's like csi doesn't count yeah that's a tv show so that's not a movie yeah yeah yeah yeah okay it was an extra long episode though it was movie length yeah yeah no one else is counting dude whatever it is it is kind of that rare thing i guess where i've just been thinking about this in regards to the tennis where it's like you're seeing a lot of this year people who've just got they're getting a bit older and they got these injuries that are just starting to dog them there's very few like truly graceful exits from a sport like tennis. It's like my body is just failing me.

I'm getting older. I've been beaten by a young buck. You know what I mean? You could have just gotten out after you won your last Grand Slam, but you had to come back. You can't help yourself. There's very few things in life in a public-facing thing where people pick the right moment and walk away.

Because you're always going to be thinking like, you know, I thought that four years ago and then I made the best movie of my career. Or, you know, I... But also, like, you know, you do what you do for you, not for everyone else to package it and go, Oh, it would have been good if you had finished when you did this great thing. But when you're doing that great thing, you're like, fucking how good was that? Let's do another one. And I mean, look, you're Clint Eastwood. You're writing and directing a movie where you're like,

what is he, 80-something? No, I reckon he might be 90. He's pushing 90 and he's got this hot 20-year-old in there that wants to fuck him. I mean, good for you. Like, if you can get away with that, why wouldn't you? That's a sweet line. There you go, 92.

92. 92. Fuck me. Still the lead in a movie. Is this the year? No, I don't think so. He's more than 10 years older than the Rolling Stones. Like, I think Mick just hit 80, I think.

Isn't that funny? Like, the changing of perception of age has been interesting over the last 20 to 30 years, maybe? Where I think as everyone who ran things got older, they just decided, nah, actually being old is cool now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just do like... Old wisdom, man. Man, fucking, when the Rolling Stones were 40, it was like, these cunts. Yeah.

It's like 40 years later, they're still going. Well, it's kind of that thing where it's like, it's good for everyone because it's like, we all have this fear about like, getting older and, you know, our faculties leaving us or, you know, if you're in anything creative, like, your relevancy kind of like, expiring. So, anyone who's like older older and still out there doing it and has people that you know they can still do what they do and they have people that want to hear what they have to say i think it just kind of puts everyone else a bit younger at ease because it's like oh yeah it doesn't have to be this thing

where it's like your life is truly over by the time you're 60 because no one gives a fuck about you anymore well also i've, particularly in cases like that, of course, now we have the internet and people are able to access your older work and now you, for example,

Rolling Stones have still got the fans if they've not died yet and they've got newer ones because people have then discovered it in the 40 years since and all that sort of stuff.

Yeah, people go back. It's made it easier. You chuck a song in a movie that the kids are checking out, Kate Bush style, going, what the fuck's this? Yeah. Anyway, thanks. Thanks, Dick Wolf.

Thanks, Dick Wolf. No, who was that? Wolf. Wolf. Greg Wolf. Greg, formerly knee-wolf, now Greg Wolf. Greg Wolf. Okay, well, that's about it.

Let's just do one more. Getting sleepy. Yeah. I've parked in a two-hour spot, and I have been here for three and a half hours. Oh, yikes. So I really hope I'm all good. But I've done a very cool thing of parking out the front of a pub. Who would ever think to fucking check there?

All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. This is interesting. We get a lot of different sort of things subscribing to us here on the show. This is, again, a thing I don't think we've had. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber CSI Comedy, Special Comedy Division. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So that's cool. I don't know whether that's the real like a real show or just like a real life division where they directed this patreon subscriber uh quentin comment comedy tino quentin comment comment tino comment quentin comment tino Comadino Quentin Comadino Quentin Comadino Comden Comadino Alright well thanks Thanks Quentin

And thanks CSI Comedy And everyone who Subscribes to the Little Dumb Dumb Club Patreon.com Slash Little Dumb Dumb Club Get on there Get your

Get your two little Bonus mini episodes Per week Hit Little Dumb Dumb Club Dot com for the tickets To all the live stuff We have coming up. Adelaide

and the four shows in Melbourne. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. I really hope you enjoyed the show, guys. Yeah. See you, mates.

See you, mates.