The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 645 - Danielle Walker & Adam Knox

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

This week we're joined by DANIELLE WALKER and ADAM KNOX in Tommy's new temporary residence! We dig deep into Knox's history as a door-to-door salesman, Tommy's contemplating hypnotherapy, and of course Danielle's got some wild stories for us, featuring Hot Dogs, and a mysterious plumbing incident that sends us on a massive quest (one phone call). Fun! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Adam Knox and Danielle Walker. We have some live shows coming up, don't we, Carl? Yeah, I agree with you. We have Adelaide on... March 11. We have Melbourne on... April 1, April 8, April 15, April 22. Yes. Correct?

Yes. Yeah. Let's do that. All of those dates are on sale now. Littleledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. You can also join our Patreon on there if you would like to support the show and get some bonus content for doing so. Patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. We'll talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dumb Dumb.

But until then, enjoy this great new episode with guests Adam Knox and Danielle Walker. Adam Knox, Danielle Walker and Adam Knox. Yeah! Beautiful stuff. Hey, now I'm going to ask a leading question, Danielle. It's a leading question to another one of the guests joining us today. Yes. Do you know, did your parents have any alternate names for you lined up? Oh, in case you're a boy or another girl name?

Was there an alternate to Danielle? If I was a boy, I was going to be Jacob. Oh, Jacob Walker. Not Daniel? Yeah, exactly. That's the obvious one. Because you could, whatever the birth certificate is, you could just write in Daniel and then add an L and an E if it's a girl.

Exactly. Oh, right, so you can have the birth certificate filled out on the way to the... Don't worry, I'm already halfway done. Ignore the gap in between the two words. That might get filled in later on. You're doing all that moaning and fucking screaming in the theatre. I'm fucking filling in the forms. Yeah, it's in a different colour because the pen ran out of ink,

but it's the same name. Don't worry. I forgot to put it in. My daughter Daniel is here with me. Jacob. Yeah't worry. I forgot to put it in. My daughter Daniel is here with me. Jacob. Yeah, Jacob. I guess Daniel and Danielle sound different unless you pronounce... If you do pronounce Danielle as Danielle, then they're similar.

But if not, I'd have to be Danielle. Oh, that makes sense. For it to be similar maybe, I guess, in the sound. I don't know. You look pretty similar, I reckon. Daniel is literally in your name. It's in your name. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it sound. I don't know. You feel pretty similar, I reckon. Daniel is literally in your name. It's in your name. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it is. I'm just, I didn't make the decision. This is my mum's decision. Yeah. You listen to Carly over there. Were you Carly? Were you going to be Carly? No, no, no, Leah.

Okay. Every parent's doing this thing. Carl and Leah don't even go together. Leah's like. Four letters? Yeah. So that's the... Four letters? Yeah. That's the requirement. I hear people say Carl doesn't go together with many

other names as well. He doesn't tend to get along with heaps of... Mine was... You want to know mine? Ariel. Ariel. I met an Ariel yesterday. Did you really? For your first one? Went for a swim. Did you really? Yeah.

For your first one? Went for a swim? Yes. Yes. Under the sea? No. No. It was a kid that my child was playing with at daycare and went, Oh, we should have invited Ariel to your birthday party.

And she goes, No. I don't think so. Not a fan of Ariel. She's more of a school friend than a party friend. Yeah, let's keep it. Let's keep it professional. She's more of a school friend than a party friend. Yeah, let's keep it professional. Oh, your daughter's your daughter. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I've got a mental ranking. She bombed in show until the other day. I'll be damned if I'm having her at my party. She messaged me asking to come to the party. Adam, what about you? My name is Adam Knox and my parents were really close to calling me Nick. Nick. Yeah.

I think Adam's better. I think so too. Oh no, definitely just give me a look and then I've done the mental arithmetic. Oh my God. Nick Knox. Oh my God. Because they've been thinking of it as Nicholas the whole time and then like literally like said it to someone, heard it, and realised, oh, fuck.

So I nearly would have been even less happy than I am with the name Adam. What's your middle name? My middle name's Jeffrey. With a mental name like that, you'd have an excuse for whatever's fucking wrong with you. That's true. Maybe I'd have ended up not. I'd be a lawyer. I'd be fucking all right.

Because I would have counterbalanced in the other way and gone real normal. That's true. Maybe I'd have ended up, no, I'd be a lawyer. I'd be fucking all right. Yeah. Because I would have counterbalanced in the other way and gone real normal. It's so good. I mean, I feel like that must happen heaps with, because you hear, you know,

kids with names where it's like, the parents literally didn't clock it. Like they, you know, it got through the net. Yeah. And then it wasn't until like three months in that someone else goes like,

you know, your baby's got a stupid name. Because with them, I can understand it because it's like K-N-O-X. Like they would have just been thinking, yeah, N-I-C. And a lot of Nox you said, Nicholas. And you don't think of it.

No, you're right. No, I'm not thinking of that either. If your name has been Nox forever as well, like you don't necessarily think about the things that it means to other people. It means something different to you. You know, like if you were Johnny Iside, you might call your daughter Sue by mistake. Right.

But like... It ruled out, as your first name, school of hard. That's all they'd done. They knew not to... But then they thought they attended a very fun comedy class and thought maybe we should... I'm glad it's not. It's great.

It's so good. We just did our podcast before this and that came up and I said, Knox, I'm glad it's not. It's great. It's so good. We just did our podcast before this and that came up and I said, Knox, I'm very sorry, but I'm going to have to make you retell that on the thing that we're doing after this. I used to go, like, I loved Nick Knocking too when I was younger. Oh, man. What's Nick Knocking? Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Well, that was the whole premise for what my name was earlier too. No, but that just sounded funny. It did sound silly. I don't really know. Is knick-knocking just knocking on doors and running away? Oh, I thought that was the whole thing. Yeah, it's a prank knock.

You go up and knock on someone's door, you run away, and then they come to the door and there's nobody there. I've seen that in movies. It's the most classic prank. My driveway, way too long. Nobody in my area could do that. So it's like that's a huge trick to get away from the girl. It's like a 150-metmeter run to the letterbox.

You go like Nick hiking. Yeah. It's fun. If that was your real name, it would have to be you just knocking on doors and standing there and then opening the door and you going, and then going, what are you doing? And you're like, I'm Nick Knox. I'm Nick Knox.

I knock on the door and then I stay here because that's my name. Nick Knox. Anyway, because of my name, I'm poorly adjusted. knock on the door And then I stay here Because that's my name Nick Knox Anyway Because of my name I'm poorly adjusted Would you like to buy a vacuum? Because that's the only job I've been able to get

It's on the end of my dick I used to be a door-to-door salesman For like a minute too What? Really? Yeah I sold fucking car wax Car wax?

Yeah So What is the sale? You hear how your reaction To even the concept of car wax Is like There is the sale who's buying that you hear how your reaction to even the concept of car wax is like there's no point to that

and you're right there is no need for car wax and it's a hard thing to sell to people this was purely on commission right they're not giving you

yeah they're not giving you a bridge wage it was either do you want to pitch me I've heard a knock on the door I've heard a nick knocks on the door

so I only did the door knocking part for one a knick-knacks on the door. So I only did the door-knocking part for one day. Okay. I did several days before I thankfully realised my time was more valuable. Yep. Even if I starved to death, I'd starve to death an honourable man. Yes. We'd set up a...

You'd starve to death while watching TV, not out working. Exactly. Yeah. It's great. Everyone loves it. Like Benny Hill, that's how he died. He was watching TV and he died and they found him watching Benny Hill. Oh, really?

That's so embarrassing. I know. Oh, I'd kill myself. He was having that heart attack. He was trying to change the channel. It was his last fucking thing. But yeah. Yeah, dying in front of the computer and just in Google is like you've been looking up yourself.

It was really sad as well. 11 tabs open with your name on them. When they tried to take him on the stretcher to the ambulance too, they kept going in and out of all these different doors. Anyway. Fuck, that's topical stuff.

It's up there with car wax and nick knocking. I haven't done anything in the last 10 years, so it makes sense I have to talk about this stuff. I love that what you do on Stand Up is technically Nick's Knox jokes. I guess so, yeah.

Oh, man. No, but he's not Nick Knox. But so they nixed the name Nick Knox, so it's nixed Nick Knox jokes. Yeah, if your name was that and I saw your name on the line-up, like raw comedy, I'd be like, here we go. If you're hosting that line-up, you'd be like raw comedy i'd be like here we go if you're hosting that lineup you'd be pretty pumped you'd be like this nick knocks guy i reckon there's gonna be probably a little flip chart with some racy stuff on there knocks you i mean no offense but it's not like you've got stuff online like you haven't done

the gal you haven't been on tv i could change you can still there's still time yeah it's still time it's either that or it could push you over the edge. Hey, we could soft launch it on this episode. I'll just upload it as episode 645, Daniel Walker and Nick Knox. That's Daniel. Daniel, Jacob Walker and Nick Knox. I could rebrand.

It'd save me money on the fucking spinny bow tie I probably have to buy if I'm going to rebrand. Little Dumb Dumb Club with Tommy Allsop and Leah Chandler. This is a great, this could just be, is there a pod that's this that's just you get a guest on and your hard-hitting question is, what were you almost going to be called? And then that's the entire.

No, and then you walk out and you have to have that name from now on. Oh, yeah, you have to spend a, yeah, a rose by any other name. You have to spend like a week introducing yourself as Jacob Walker and Nick Knox. And then you get to forward it on to your mates like, have you heard this new podcast? Oh, what's it like? They change people's names on it. Sounds good.

Imagine, what if I was a boy and I was called Jacob? My whole life would be different. Oh, so they change their names to something funny? No, the point is that the name is less funny. It's a worse name. We change your name to the name we said, that's not good enough at some point 30, 40 years ago. Yeah.

And then the second half of the ep is getting the parents on and talking to them and being like, so what changed in that moment where you didn't go with Nick Knox? And the story is always, oh, yeah, not much. We just thought it was a bad name. Anyway. He was a boy, not a girl. So you're selling car wax

Oh yeah You got me You're at my front door What's your pitch? We're in a car park Is how I want to do it Because this is where I was used to doing it

We would set up a tent In a car parking space Okay In like outside a shopping centre Smart Because you go to a house You don't know if they have a car Exactly

And in this one They're walking back to their car When you go to a house There's no way of finding out If they have a car And you don't sell other services Like you're not vacuuming and washing you're just no we got wax and we got polish which is just a different type and you don't do it and you're not doing it you're just we give them a little demo on like the back corner of their car so that

they can see the difference between how shit the rest of their car looks versus how wet the part of the car i put wax on looks your Moisturise your hand sort of. Exactly. It's like a spray on the wrist for a car. And so we would follow them aggressively, which we were told to do. Like, don't let the, just keep walking with them to their car. If they tell you to leave, don't. Wow.

It was awful. And like, people would get mad at us all day because we were taking up a car parking spot with this fucking tent. People would drive past and be like, can I fucking park there, please past be like can i fucking park there please there's no legal sort of permission i i assume because we didn't really get told to move on so i assume they must have but i doubt it from the way the rest of it worked yes and then we go and why do you need to set up the tent why is that because we were doing it in the middle of fucking summer in a car park. So we were standing there getting burnt from the reflection of the sun bouncing off of the tarmac onto my face.

It was nothing to eat but car polish. My insides were clean as hell though. But the food would slide through me. What a shiny spleen you had. And the shit was disgusting. It smelled bad and it didn't make a car look much better. And it was really expensive and it was hard to sell and it made me fucking hate myself.

I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I went to an airport in America a while ago and I guess there was these guys who I guess... We got different. I was like travelling through an airport in America. I used to be at a car park in Nuna Wadding. Well, I guess in my mind it's sort of the same thing

because it was like people working off. I assume they're working off commission, but they were targeting like the lines to get in through security with fast passes to be like, you can buy this fast pass off me and I'll take you to this other area and we'll get you through faster. But I think we freaked him out

because he was trying to do that and he was going through the whole line but i just got confused by it and it was everybody else in the line was further ahead so it was just me and sam campbell together and trying to be confused like i was confused by it and asking lots of questions and then sam was being sam so he was freaking the guy out as well and i just couldn't understand like i was trying to get the concept of the business structure to understand it from him i was like so wait do you work for the airport and what you're in like a security uniform is this part of the amer is it part of the american system like how do you own this because i was just confused by how it worked at the airport until eventually he just walked away from me that's great that's the only way you do it. Like if someone tells you they don't want to buy it,

you just keep going, oh, but actually. I didn't say I didn't want to buy it. Exactly. I just wanted to know how this works. The only thing that like shitty salesmen, having been one in several positions, will fall apart under is like wanting to know more about the product because the product is a scam.

And so if someone's going like, oh, how does this work? You can't answer, oh, it doesn't. I'm trying to scam you. It's the only way you can knock it back into their court. It is a good bit to just like anyone. I wasn't trying to do that. I was genuinely asking questions. The other option is to just be a natural freak

and it will repel people. Oh, great. That is a good bit to just like anyone who's ever trying to sell you anything, you just pretend that you've never heard of the business before. So like a guy coming up to you at the front of the airport being like, hey, do you need the people that are like doing the like off the books like taxi stuff? Yeah. You're just like, wait, so you mean to tell me that you've got a car

and you'll just drive me around in it? Yeah. I don't even know you. You're driving along going, car wax? What's a car it was the worst fuck man i've sold the dumbest shit like i used to yeah i people would tell it like if i was trying to sell something shit at like a call center i worked out or whatever to some like i spent so much i loved it when people would be weird like you were like i would have stayed and just talked with that.

There was a guy who told me for like 40 minutes on this call about how he used to be a boxer. And I was asking him about every match. He remembered all of them. He was a boxer in the fifties and he boxed at the Melbourne Olympics. Oh, cool. I'm just going to tell you the 40 minute story. I reckon he did. Everybody's old granddad says that.

I know. Everybody's granddad. I thought it was just my granddad who made up lies. Well, I don't know if he made up lies, but he's like, I used to box when I was a kid, never lost a single match, had one tie. And then I met Jono's granddad and he was like talking about fighting wolves in the mountains.

I was like, no. Everybody's granddad just says they won everything always. I know. And I'm going to do it if I have grandchildren as well, be like, I used to have the number one podcast. One billion downloads a day. Yeah. My dad actually wrote a porno.

I mean, imagine being 80 and sitting down a kid and going, I'll tell you this tale. When I was five, I was raped. You want to lead with something good. You don't want to tell the worst stories you have. Those aren't the two op. You can tell a medium story. You don't have to talk about it. you have. Those aren't the two up. You can tell a medium story. You don't have to talk about it.

You can just tell a funny yarn. Like, well, there's an elephant in the room, so I'll make up a boxing thing. Oh, friend, not the rape story again. Just tell me more lies about boxing, please. I would lie my fucking ass off when I'm up. Because what are you going to do? Get found out for lying?

So what? Put me in a home. Who gives a shit? Well, but the problem is... There's no books from back then. It's forever ago. Yeah, but the problem is, is like by the time we're like eight,

you would assume that your grandkid can just be like, Grandpa, I've Googled you and that's not true at all. I just looked up your Wikipedia and this is all made up. But we get to do the last pre-internet shit or like early internet

before there's really much like, it's kind of vague and you can't really find, like I can tell someone, if I tell my grandkid I invented the Harlem Shake, I reckon they won't be able to track it down to the origins and we'll go like, maybe you did. You going door to door trying to sell the Harlem Shake to people. Yeah, yeah.

Now, you might think this is weird, but watch me for a little bit and it's going to get way weirder. Hang on, you've got a tent and a car park. How many people can you fit in the Harlem Shake in there? That's not a proper Harlem Shake. That is a good new viral challenge in itself. Just like you go, film yourself knocking on a stranger's door and just being like, I've invented a new dance

and I want to teach it to you. But it needs a lot of people, so you need to come with me now. Pied Piper style. Yeah. Now, look, you might be noticing that there's no one else currently with me and you might be thinking, I've done this on 10 other doors

and no one's followed. You're about to get in on the ground floor of the Harlem show. Yeah. It could be that no one's chosen to follow me or you could be the first door I've knocked on. You have no way of knowing. So you may as well just come with me.

What do they call those group things where people just all start dancing one at a time flash mob flash mobs that would be that would be funny if to go to people's houses and just start a flash mob outside like a door knock and then somebody just starts dancing and then people just start appearing you mean in the street that would be horrific you mean an adam not yeah i'd like to see you do that bring Bring back the flash mob. But it'd be fun to go around, act like that, and then there's nobody with you and you do the flash mob thing, turn around and like...

Pretend that you were supposed to. That would be incredible. Like they all left, like you were alone. I don't know. That's definitely how you get invited into somebody's house. I know. Immediately, that scenario in my head turned into me being alone so quickly. When the whole point of that scenario is that there's other people there,

my brain went, yeah, but what if I was on my own? What if nobody could judge me? Well, speaking of knocking on people's doors and sales and things of that nature, we're recording this in the house that I'm house-sitting. Talked about this a little while ago. Been kicked out of my regular house while they renovate the bathroom. Are they allowed to just kick you out and not put you up somewhere? Yeah.

What? Yeah. Oh, so I shouldn't? Okay. Because my house has got a leak. My mum's partner came. I was like, I thought it was because I was getting angry at Jono because he's tall. And so I thought the water was splashing off his back

going over the shower and flooding the floor. How bouncy do you think his back is? Well, I figured his back is like so close to the shower head where it's located that it's just like really, and he's high pressure. Has he got car wax on his back so the water just bounces? Car wax can do that. Now, I've only waxed one part of his back today

but if you want to wax the entire body we can set you up. So I was getting angry and then mum's partner came over and he said that the leak is actually coming from,

there's a leak in the wall and it's leaking out through the door under the corner bit of the door. Almost the exact same thing that we had. Is that it?

And so they kicked you out and they were like it's fucked up the whole wall and underneath so they've had to so i'm just not going to say anything okay great if you need a bucket by the way you actually get a free bucket that you can wax your car with if you come with me i was i was it creeped me out how good i was at the anyway it doesn't matter i'm convincing if i need to be. Right, Tommy? Yeah. See? Whatever you say. Look at that.

So, yeah, we're in this place for a few weeks in the interim. It's like a, yeah, we're doing like a house sit kind of thing. And the house is next door to a hypnotherapist. I did note that on the way in. Yeah. I was really hoping when you gave me this rest. First time I've been here and I was looking at it going, I get to go in the hypnotherapy house and you're next door. I'm next door.

It was pretty disappointing because I want to see what a hypnotherapist looks like from the inside. Yeah, I mean... A lot of guts and blood probably. It is... I keep seeing it when I go out the front and just thinking, you know, I've got another few weeks here. Yeah.

Is there anything I want to get sorted out that I could could just go in just literally just knock on the door and you go and go have you got a i don't suppose you got like a spare half hour session just like now how long do you think it would take for you to convince me that my name's nick yeah would you be able to do that yeah what about your your aversion to travel since this is probably only 10 minutes from your house and you could just come to the hypnotherapist anyway when you move back i mean that's it yeah that's it it's like what was stopping me in the past i'm sure they're out there i'm sure there's ones you can do online yeah what do they look like hypnotherapy online i'm i guess i don't know probably over zoom there's a bit of a delay so it takes a couple minutes for you to think that you don't want to smoke

anymore they look like a house it's just in a house like a doctor i meant the person oh right i haven't seen them they look like a house they got little windows on their shirts so they dress real weird i haven't sighted them i mean we are doing this with the back door open so they could just be in their backyard just hearing this whole conversation now they probably don't have a lot going on in the office most days to be fair so they probably are looking for something to pay attention to but yeah what could i i did did think about, what if I just went in and went, can you just hypnotise me to be really good at comedy?

Can you make me funny? I would like you to literally say that. Is this possible? You do a lot of quitting smoking. I want to quit not being funny. Can you do that? Yeah, I want to quit bombing. I keep having terrible stand-up gigs

and I really need to kick the habit. They could probably get you to think you never bombed, but regardless of how well you actually did. Yeah, that's a cool way to think. No, that's really bad. We all like people that are like that. So that's what's happened to a lot of people I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it would just be... What could you realistically ask them in comedy? I mean, I guess they'd make you more confident. It'd be confidence, surely. If you went, I want to be a better performer and better, and then they would ask you some questions that would get to the root of why you feel like

that doesn't happen for you. Right. So it would it would just be like yeah a lot of self-belief which would then it's a slippery slope into just complete delusion and denial of fact or being so like comfortable in yourself that you no longer even want to do comedy right that you can fall down a slippery slope where they make you so confident that you're like oh i don't need this anymore i can sell car wax. Yeah. It'd be like office space. A real job. They die before they get me out of the trance. And then I'm just walking around.

I'm like, yeah, I don't even need to do comedy anymore. Who gives a fuck? I would genuinely like to see them. Go and offer them 50 bucks and say, what can you do for 50 bucks? How much funnier can you make me for 50 bucks? I know what you're going to say. I'll make you more confident. No. say what can you do for 50 bucks how much funnier can you make me for 50 bucks i don't know i know what you're gonna say i'll make you more confident no i just want you to hypnotize me and put in my brain that i'm the funniest man in australia well i mean i think even just going in with the 50 bucks

and just saying i don't even want to look at a list of the services just like not even you know disconnected from the thing about trying to be funnier, just being like, what do you think you could hypnotise in or out of me for 50 bucks? What does this get me? What does this get me? Just eating a bit less? Can you hypnotise me into wanting to smoke? Because it looks cool. I just think it's disgusting.

I hate it. I'd like to do it. My girlfriend started vaping. It looks like fun. I just can't handle it. Can you get another smoker in here and do some sort of freaky Friday deal? Oh, yeah. Just when you make someone quit smoking, say all that to me but backwards.

And I'll leave. Surely that's 50 bucks. Yeah, say all that and then say, just kidding. And then I'll be like puffing away. A big knot at the end, like Borat. Yeah. Which will make me funnier too. Yeah.

I wonder what's the most unethical thing that a hypnotherapist has been asked to do for a person. Charging money for hypnotherapy. What, sorry? Probably making people forget stuff, surely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, that's a good question. What has been banned in the hypnotherapy world? What are you not allowed to do anymore apart from the very obvious?

I wonder if there's people like yeah bringing in their partner and they're going into you know quit smoking and then the partner's like turning to the hypnotherapist at the last minute going can you actually make her think that i'm the sexiest man yeah yeah yeah two inches is massive yeah you know the wife bringing in the husband oh while he's under can you make's dick bigger. Can you hypnotise his dick? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. I wonder if there's a term for that, like shallow howling or something.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, while they're under, can you just do a bit of a fixer-upper? Can you do all these other things? Is there, like, a famous, like, rogue... You know how, like, Dr Kevorkian, you know, he's like... I don't know anything about Dr Kevorkian is like... I don't know anything about Dr. Kevorkian.

That's not hypnotherapy. That's killing people. He was a doctor and he was doing stuff that the people wanted, but it was like... He was, for you guys that don't know, obviously, he was a euthanasia expert about 30 years ago. Wait, he made people kill themselves? He was like the Carl Wait, what did he... He made people kill themselves? He was...

No, he was like a... He was like the Carl Chandler of doctors. He was like doing assisted suicide stuff with elderly people or terminally ill people, but he was... It wasn't legal, so he went to court and all this stuff. But he became...

His nickname was Dr. Death. But he was doing something that like... I think he made a little machine and then you used them. It's called a gun. Oh yeah so he wasn't a hypnotist no okay but my point is i thought he was hypnotizing people no no no sorry so my point is in the medical world you've got him who just he's kind of like using his training and he became famous through using the stuff that he knew in this like some would say nefarious way yeah do. Do you have, like, is there, like, a hypnotherapist, a hypnotist, like, version of that in the world?

I wonder. If there was, like, if he was good at it, we wouldn't know about him, right? Yeah. He'd be able to cover his tracks afterwards. He's buying an ad during maths and hypnotising all of us to forget the news story that we heard about him. That's the other thing is like my version

of what I think this is is like going in and he's literally just got the pocket watch that he's dangling in front of my face. I want to know how it actually works.

People have like those swells in their eyes in my head. So yeah, I'm not, I don't think I know anything about hypnotherapy. Also,

every time you ever hear, whenever I've asked anyone, you know, when they do those stage shows when people get hypnotized on stage, a lot, and all of a sudden they're acting like a chicken on stage. When you talk to those people, they go, yeah, it's not like I'm completely under. I'm just sort of thinking that this would probably be the right thing to do. Sure, yeah.

People are really gullible. Like, you can sell them fucking car wax in a car park. Like, people will just do things if you say them. I think that's all hypnotherapists are. I did comedy before a comedy hypnotist once. Oh, townsville it's like my third ever gig and it was just sort of creepy though yeah it's really sort of like was getting people to like ha ha you touch him ha ha touch her and you're sort of like wait wait what yeah that's the problem with like all hypnotist stuff is like they get that like you act like a chicken and then their second move is like,

now it's going to be fucked. The second thing is going to be real weird. That's the thing is like for us doing comedy, meeting someone and they find out you do that and they're like, oh, yeah, tell us a joke. It's like the idea of going to a hypnotist and being like, oh, yeah, make me think I'm a chicken. Oh, yeah, good one.

But honestly, I mean, if I knocked on their door and just went 20 bucks, 20 bucks just to make me think I'm a chicken for like five minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't even have to be for that long. That's good. The idea that it would cost more to last longer too.

Like, I'll have to refresh you every now and then. We'll have to top you up with more chicken. Also, I like that idea of like, you know, comedians, yeah, tell us a joke. I just want to hear what you do. And then to them it's like yeah come on

fuck with my brain for five minutes yes yes yeah put me under do some probably irreparable damage to my brain

I don't think I've never had someone try to hypnotise me but I've always assumed that it wouldn't work on me I've always assumed like quite smugly

assumed that I'd be smarter than it but I reckon but I'm also gullible in real life, so it might get me. But it's not like a cartoon. I'd like to give it a try. It's not supposed to be like Dr. Evil doing it or whatever. You're supposed to be going along with it.

You're not supposed to be brought in Hannibal Lecter style in a gurney into the hypnotherapist and being hypnotized against your will. Because every profession breaks down if you treat it like that. Like a regular doctor, if he tries to operate on you and you're like, no. Get away from my appendix. I dodged you, so I'm smarter than you. Well, yeah, you have to participate, I guess.

I know I would be so gullible. You'd go for it? I'd be the most gullible. For a friend's hen's night, I hired a psychic. And the whole night she was trying to sell her screenplay that she'd written with Jane Campion because it was like an like you know she sort of figured out we were entertainment and she was trying to she'd actually written it with Jane Campion she made it sound that way but I think she'd sent Jane Campion some emails well she'd written Power of the Dog before Jane Campion

did because she could tell what was gonna happen happen. Did she write Power of the Dog? I fucking hope so. Isn't she the director of the piano? Piano and Brightstar are the things I know. I don't know Dr. Kevorkian. I don't know Jane Campion. I'm a fucking wasteland. But I still cried when she did my

psychic reading. Really? Even though I fully thought she was a fraud. I still cried because I wanted to believe. And she also kept doing her own psychic reading in the time. She kept on pulling cards out and she was like, oh, that's a three. It keeps coming up for me today. I don't know what that's about. Oh, my God.

That's awesome. I keep on accidentally reading myself. That's great. Like a dentist huffing a little bit of the gas for himself. Yeah. But I still walked out absolutely in tears being like she said, things were going to be good. Now, let me ask you this.

A psychic at a hen's. Yeah. I know where my head's going. I'm getting her to sit down with the hen, and I'm thinking, is this going to work out? Is anyone doing that, or is that off the table? I mean, I don't know if anybody did that. I think we sort of, she did private readings.

She sat on the balcony, and she did the private readings, and um i think she knows that if you're at a hens you probably don't say run i mean if she yeah yeah seeing her walk in and just get this bad look on her face you'd be like oh no but then again if you're a psychic getting booked for hens if you tell them to run you might get booked for a second hens down the line when they get remarried i'd be building in a little job security don't wait till the second hens just go see when they get remarried. I'd be building in a little job security. And like I said, don't wait until the second hens. Just go see her in the daytime. Why are you waiting until the hens party?

True. A few weeks before the wedding to find out. Well, because I'm a psychic who also strips is a problem, so it's not really appropriate in most other settings, but I get a lot of hens and bucks. I reckon you guys are going to think my dick is too small. That's cool. Like whipping off the clothes and you've got the cards just kind of stuck to think my dick is too small. That's cool. Like whipping off the clothes and you've got the cards just kind of stuck to your body.

Oh, not bad. Death right up covering my anus. Covering the anus? Small card. That's right in there. You can swipe it in. It's like a, yeah. Your cheek's parted already.

I mean, I think like the hypnotherapist, surely the bulk of your day is smoking, right? Yeah. The bulk of people that are coming in. I've heard it works too. People have told me that that like, and fucking, what's the stuff where you put needles in yourself? Acupuncture.

Acupuncture apparently works for like curing smoking and hay fever. Okay. I've talked to some real stupid people about this probably, but yeah, it's got to be smoking and like stress. You mean weed, right? Huh? It can make you quit any smoking. Oh, okay.

I thought you meant to be a psychic. Oh, you've got to smoke. You smoke weed and it gives you ideas. Oh man, I'm seeing the future. Okay, I thought I didn't. We're on different wavelengths. That might help. I'm the best psychic in the world because I'm addicted to heroin.

Well, hey, Danielle, as we often do when you come on, we quiz you before the show about if there's anything in the Danielle songbook that we haven't gotten to yet. And you did what you always do, which is set off. Probably told this before and then reel off the most insane bullet point that either of us have ever heard. Well, I still think I might have. I don't know because the first dot point I said was hot dogs. Yep.

We have not heard hot dogs. Okay, so hot dogs. Obviously, this happened not long after Big Brother when Hot Dogs was on Big Brother. This is Hot Dogs' F-grade celebrity. Yes. He was on a season of Big Brother in Australia. Yes.

And then he went on to host his own weird late-night quiz show or something like that. It was a late-night game show called Hot Dogs Late-Night Game Show. Yes. When there were like one on every channel at that time. Those late night quiz shows

were hot shit. I remember at work at the time when it was on his real name was Simon something and someone in the office would occasionally for some reason we would talk about Big Brother

and someone would go oh that guy's Simon and then another guy in the office would go Hot Dogs. And have to just get it in there and just go. Simon dogs. No, no.

Please. Simon Senior was his dad. Hot dogs. That's also separately Big Brother. We went on a family. Simon Deering. That's his name. Simon Deering.

Hot dogs. We went on a holiday to the Gold Coast. And you know how they used to have the tours of the Big Brother house? Oh yeah And it's like wrecked now, right? But yeah, sorry I think so But they had that season where it was sort of like

They had a pole there for people to do pole dancing on and stuff And so there's so many family photos They're just all kids around the pole dancing pole in the Big Brother house I want to go take a photo where the turkey slap happened. That season when they had a hypnotist in there and it got real fucking bad because of the nature of a hypnotist. That hot dogs guy, my girlfriend was telling me the other day, a previous relationship she was in, the guy lived in a share house

and she would go around there and her boyfriend's housemate had like Tourette's or something. And it was like every night at around six when the news would be coming on, he would just walk around the house and go, Peter Hitchener, Peter Hitchener, Peter Hitchener. Right. Channel 9 newsreader, just obsessively on the dot when the news is starting. Peter Hitchener, Peter Hitchener. Damn.

When Peter Hitchener retires, it's going to be a hard day for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Learn a new name. But so no, hot dogs. I don't believe we've ever heard hot dogs. So this doesn't actually start with hot dogs. It starts with, I woke up. I guess I was probably nine then because my sisters were still babies.

We're going right back. And I woke up. Oh, this is like a hypnotist right now. They'll be back. I heard a harp play. did you hear a harp? that's your first memory of hot dogs I woke up in the morning and I walked out

to the kitchen area and mum was sitting at the dining table crying bent over the table hot dogs got voted out and a turkey slap didn't you do the turkey slap? I don't remember who did that.

I think it was that season. I don't think he did it. I don't think he participated in it. I've just put it in my head because his name's Hot Dog. And also, you wouldn't call it turkey slapping.

Like, the turkey slapping was the act of getting your penis out and whacking someone with it. Yeah. You wouldn't call it turkey slapping

if you've got the guy doing it is called Hot Dogs. Surely there'd be some sort of Hot Dog related saying. Depends on the penis too. They there'd be some sort of hot dog related saying. Depends on the penis too. They call it quail slapping.

Smaller bird. But it is fancy. I reckon that's the most small dick joke you've made on this episode. What's going on today? I've just done a second one. It was in my head because I did the earlier one. I'm just looking for something. I've only sold car wax in my life.

I need to contribute something else. The king of the callback. Ring ring. Yes, it is a replacement for a real joke. old car wax in my life. I need to contribute something else. The king of the callback. Ring, ring. Yes, it is a replacement for a real joke. Thanks for the callback. This isn't a really long story now, I've realised. Mum's sitting at the table crying and I said,

what's happened? And she said, I had a dream last night that I'd gone in to check on the twins and they were dead in their beds and and then i went in to check on you and you were in there and you'd been dead too and you'd all been shot and then i turned around and it was hot dogs there with a gun hot dogs had come and killed you all and it was so real and this is wait big brother's on at the time? No, it had finished. It was probably, I reckon it was like,

was he hosting then like a big Hot Dogs up late or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The game show. Yeah, I feel like it was not long after Hot Dogs had been on Big Brother and so when he'd come back into the zeitgeist a little bit. That makes sense because she's up late. That's the last thing you see on TV. Oh, yeah.

But hot dogs couldn't have killed you overnight in that case. He's got a solid alibi. He does have an alibi. He was there telling people, like, guess the five-letter word. I can't spell it. I'm hot dogs. Someone will tell me in my ear. And that's the cop show.

That's like the mystery of the week. And then it's like they're just stumped. And then at the end of the episode, someone incidental is just like, oh, you know, of course they pre-taped that show. It's like, what? They pre-tape it. We've got to get down to the studio and make an arrest. Quick, we found the guy who turkey-slacked those kids to death. Wow, so hot dogs in the family kitchen,

loaded gun, takes out the whole family. Takes out the whole family and then mum's so distraught by it that she's just sitting at the table crying the next morning still. Oh, yeah, right, I forgot about that. Thinking that it was so real. Crying about hot dogs. You'd like to think that. I know it's a very visual, you know, visceral dream about your kids dying

would be very distressing, but also hot dogs doing it. You'd have to find it a bit funny. You could, come on, mum. You'd have to find it a little bit funny. You know what that would be if that was true that would be australia's oj case oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because we've i don't think we've had us like he was a very famous man when he did all that alleged bad stuff imagine we i don't think we've had a australian celebrity do something like that yeah and certainly in a way where it was murky enough. But the problem with that is OJ was an incredible sportsman

and then he crossed over into movies and stuff. So you did have people that didn't want to believe. The idea of there just being diehard Hot Dogs fans that are refusing to believe it, where it's like, what are you clinging to? Who cares if he did it? This has made it hard for me to go back and watch 10 year old episodes i won money off the quid show so i feel like i'm complicit in this when hot dogs was in

the zeitgeist i was like in high school and i had real bad fucking skin problems when i was when i was younger and still but worse when i was younger i had back knee it's a shortened version of back acne yeah it's a pretty fun thing to call but like so if i mostly solve by washing not when you not when you're a teenager and also if i tried to wash my back all the water would just fucking bounce off anyway. And you've got a small dick. But now I'm a picture of a fucking... Everything's perfect and you should be so lucky. But if I scratch my back because it would get itchy sometimes,

it would be like... I called my back hot dogs because it would be like a mixture of blood and pimple pus that of like blood and like pimple pus that looked like tomato and mustard and hot dogs was famous was that a real thing did that turn the girls on saying that at school no no i think it was a self-defense mechanism i'll scratch yours i'm good actually uh i wish i hadn't said any of that But it just reminded me of it Because you said hot dogs

I fucking hated it I hate Man imagine if my name Had been Nick Knox as well Nick Knox with back knee With his hot dog back knee But now I'm beautiful Line up

Yeah We did have a boy at our school And I don't know He had He had really bad Acne and stuff But he also looked like 45 Yeah

And so we just chose to call him the Beast. Like he was like, like somebody had cursed him. But then he tried to claim it by making Beast his like jersey name. That's what people do. I honestly think maybe someone maybe had done, had said it to me or something and I took it. They said to you, your back's like a hot dog. Your back is hot dogs. The pus and blood that seeps through

your school uniform. Well, because of your fucking sport, you know, change rooms, your shirt gets ripped off of you. Knox putting on the Greco-Roman wrestling leotard and everyone seeing his back. Danielle was very big of you to say we chose to call him the beast. It's like, no one forced

us. There wasn't a gun to our heads. In my mind. Making a decision that is more impactful to someone else's life. In my mind, I don't think we chose to do it out of malice, which is weird. I think we were just like, well, you're obviously the beast. You're obviously a beast. Kids just fucking do that stuff too.

There was a kid at my school who looked a bit like a cartoon camel. Like, you know, picture a cartoon camel. Like Joe Camel i can thirsty camel is what i'm picturing there you go yeah and so people called him camel there was another guy whose name was i think luke people called him because he looked more like a peaty so he started calling himself peaty there was a guy last night it's just reminding me of this uh So I went for a walk last night and I went, I thought I'll go and get a drink at McDonald's. I love a Post Mix. I love it. Post Mix is good, I think.

It was that night, I went for a walk, I thought I'll get a drink. I thought, I know where this story's going. Hit someone up, go to the pub. I didn't think that we were going to end up in Maccas, honestly. 10pm, beautiful time for a post mix. It's about one kilometre, one and a half kilometres from my house. And it's a nice little walk.

Bridge Road? Yep. Go and get a post mix. And so I went there and there was this guy in the little window. It's a small little shop. So he's just wedged himself in the little window. You know how you've got the plastic sort of surrounding so that there's no, you can't jump the counter or anything.

There's just, it looks like a post office sort of thing now. You know what I mean? There's just like a little hole. Like the sneeze guard thing. Yes, exactly. Like a sneeze guard. So this guy is just there for like minutes and I'm going, fuck, what's going on? And no one's wanting to, like, he just keeps yelling at, can you, can you, can you get

me a sundae? What's going on with the sunday move along man i don't have time to waste on my kilometer and a half walk to get a post i'm not saying this this guy's saying this yeah he's already wedged in there and i'm sitting there going what's going on but he's yelling at all the other staff and there's like heaps of stuff there's like six staff and none of them are doing anything and i'm like sitting there going what am i what am i doing here do i have to walk through the drive-thru like how am i going to get through this guy

and so eventually he sort of backed away a little bit and i was like all right and i tried to get in there and he started touching me he started like put his hands on my back and then he gave me a whack and he's like there you go mate fucking good on you and just and then and the whole time by the way he's wearing a bike helmet he's's standing inside wearing a bike helmet, which is another red flag. And I'm starting to piece it together going, these people at McDonald's do not want to serve this guy. And so he's holding it up for all the rest of us. And so then he starts giving me a hit.

And I go, cunt, you stink. Because he... Plan A. A massive escalation right off the bat. This is hot dogs blowing a nine-year-old's brain off for no reason. Because he's obviously hassling people and he's stunk of alcohol, but then he's like, he took it the wrong way. The wrong way!

Oh, thanks, man. You thought it was nice? Like, positively? No, he took it. He's like, yeah, great. But then he had this big breakdown he's like oh man oh fuck you fuck you and i'm like oh i go oh well anyway okay sorry and he goes no fuck you this is what happens when you're homeless you stink i can't help it and he's done this whole defense of like i haven haven't had a shower because I'm homeless. It's like, I wasn't talking about your body odor in any way.

Your breath is like... What you said was very clear that you weren't telling him he was stung. But he was so drunk and like his breath was just like 100% alcohol. And I looked behind him and there was like a nearly empty bottle of whiskey sitting directly behind him. And he had this massive breakdown where he's talking about being homeless, all this sort of stuff. And I'm like, sorry, man, I didn't mean any of that. It was just, you just breathed full on alcohol at me. I ended up getting my drink and sitting outside.

And then he came out and started talking to me. And I'm like, oh, man, I don't want to hear the whole story. And then in the end he goes. You just ruined this man's life. You stink. And I don't want to hear about anything you've got to say. Yes. Fuck off.

But he's calmed down by the time he's got out there. He's going, no, you know what? I do stink. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about breaking down in there. You know what? You know what? And he's got the stack hat on still.

He's got the bike helmet on. He goes, you know what? I'm leaving now. And he points over at this bike. He goes, and you can have my bike. Wow. There you go. You can have it. And I'm leaving now. And he points over at this bike. He goes, and you can have my bike. Wow. There you go. You can have it.

And I'm like, thanks, man. That's great. And then he walked away and he kept coming back. And he's like, I said, man, you can have the bike. So jump on the bike. You can have it now. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going to sit here and drink my drink first. You know, can't drink and ride.

Can't finish his Coke and ride the bike. And, you know, don't have the helmet on or anything. He's like, you can have the helmet on. I'm like bike and you know don't have the helmet on or anything he's like you can have the helmet on I'm like fuck I don't want the helmet either he's snookered you there though now you have to do it

I did think it was weird to see you ride here today yeah you should take this guy to the hypnotherapist I should take this helmet off to be fair that I'm wearing at the moment

you should take him to the hypnotherapist and get them to hypnotise him into not being homeless anymore into not stinking that has reminded me so then so then in the end so i'm sitting there i'm going fuck how am i going to get out of this he just really wants me to ride this bike home and then a taxi turns up that the mcdonald's had

run up and asked him to take asked them to take him to the hospital and he's like oh my god oh great oh well anyway enjoyed the bike mate i'm going to the hospital in a taxi now. Like, okay. And I go, why are you going to the hospital? And he holds up his arm and he goes, I haven't been able

to feel my arm for a month. So I might go and see what that's all about. I'm like, all right, no worries. How did the Maccas get wind of this?

Has he been there for the entire month just like still can't feel it? I don't know why McDonald's was the middle man in this whole procedure. It's their cut. You'd never get that kind of service from KFC.

They wouldn't be ordering you a rooster. You'd still wait in line for healthcare at Red Rooster, that's for sure. But maybe at a Hungry Jack's they'd have had the thought of like, oh, we need a vehicle to take someone to a hospital. What should we call? A taxi. Like there's specially made cars for that. Yeah, that's true.

They've got big sirens on them. And so when you said helmet, you mean bike helmet? Yes. Okay, I was picturing a motorcycle helmet because at that point I didn't know he was homeless. And so I'd been picturing the whole story with a motorcycle helmet on. And now I can see.

Then when you said bike, I was still picturing him with a motorcycle helmet riding a push bike. But also I think he was really setting me up, at least unintentionally, because he kept forcing this bike on me. And I'm like, this is very much not your bike. It's your bike.

This is someone now. But this is someone else's bike. So it's like, I don't know whether it's like, I said you stink, so then I'm going to set you up for stolen goods here. Because this is absolutely not your bike. So he goes off in the taxi and the bike is just still at the... So if you're listening to this at home, you've always wanted a bike.

Yes. If you head down to the... If you've never known where to get a bike from before. Yeah, if you head down to the Bridge Road McDonald's, there's one sitting out the front that no one's coming back to claim. No, no. I also think that that will probably apply most days. Yeah, true.

I'm giving it to you guys. This is a special price from the podcast. Yeah. It's my bike now. This is like, because they always say like, oh, well, podcasts don't have the budget of like breakfast radio. Breakfast radio can do these big things of like, we've hidden a car somewhere in the city,

and if you can find Fitzy, you get it. Yeah, we've hidden this bike somewhere out the front of Bridge Road McDonald's. And if you're happy with handling stolen goods, the bike could be yours. If you can make it this far into this episode of the podcast, it's yours. If you can get past the hot dog story and not go, you know what, I'll skip a week. My hot dog story, not yours. The story weirdly reminded me of a guy I used to work with when I worked at a dog boarding kennel.

The story weirdly reminded me of a guy I used to work with when I worked at a dog boarding kennel, which first off, we only had female employees because our boss said that boys would distract us. Boy dogs. Oh, sorry, boy. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. The dogs aren't the employees of the boarding kennel.

I think I just had a stroke. Except for Dennis, who was in his 40 40s and he was led to work and he sort of did caretaking stuff um and i assume things weren't going well for dennis because it was like ten dollars an hour cash in hand and doing like six hours a week um but he would ride to work on this bike that was like sort of completely rusted but then he would pick it up and hide it in the bushes so nobody would try and steal it um and it was like everybody was driving there because the boarding handle was like out in the country so nobody would even be riding it and it's covered in rust and he would hide it but he

also um sometimes the dogs would like eat up the mattresses and then we'd have to like throw them out and then he would try and he'd try and take them home on his bike all the mattresses there you know what i have to say there is so much going on in all of your stories. I find it really hard. I feel like I've missed half of each story you ever tell because I'm like, I've got to go back to, is this the bit where a dog's eaten a mattress? Oh, no, that's just a throwaway.

Are the mattresses the dog's mattresses? Yes. Oh, okay. There was some luxury cabins that would have sort of like foam mattresses on the beds for them to do and for them to use. And some dogs would rip it up because they're stressed out about being away from home or something. It's always the ones who live in luxury that you can't buy stress relief. You can still be unhappy even in a luxury dog cabin.

Such a shame. And then, but he also, sorry, this isn't funny, none of this. This is just stuff I was remembering. He also. I did the hot dogs thing. You're fine. Oh, yeah. One time a dog killed a frill neck lizard and he asked to keep the body of the frill neck lizard.

The dog did? The dog asked? Yeah. Oh, no, Dennis, the bike guy. Oh, right. Right. And he asked to, oh, and then. Oh, right.

And he asked to, oh, and then. The look on Danielle's face then can't obviously go down a microphone, but it was actual reveler. It was like the end of memento. It was, I'm telling this story. I don't know why I'm telling it. Oh, now I know why I'm telling it. No, I just remembered when we did Secret Santa, he got me for Secret Santa and he gave me the bell from his dead cat.

Oh, God. Yeah. Jesus. And then my bosses gave me the bell from his dead cat. Oh, God. Yeah. Jesus. And then my bosses gave me a block of chocolate to say sorry. Wow. Wow. So hang on, this guy's coming in. So he wants the ripped up mattress that a dog has destroyed in its kennel

and then he also wants a dead lizard that a dog has killed. Yeah, I think because he said for the mattresses he was like he could take them home and his dog could have them. I mean, I don't know what his house was like. Do you have a dog, Dennis? I'm assuming maybe he was sleeping on it. Maybe he was going to feed the lizard to them. But then they died, which is why the cat bell was your present

because it got sick from eating a fucking dead lizard. Probably, yeah. Probably got roadkill fever or something. That's such a shit present to give because then you can't catch any birds. That's great. You opening it and he's just watching you like, put it on. Put it on. It's your size.

Go on, have a little run. I just need to know where you are all the time. I'd forgotten about that. Anyway, not if that was funny. I just remembered that he existed for a time in my life. Looking at a dog boarding kennel sounds like the most distressing job, even before any of that stuff happening. It was the funnest job in the world.

Really? Yeah, except for the gross bits, but those are fine. But at the end of it, you get way too desensitised to shit. At the start, if I got shit on my leg, I'd wash it off immediately. And by the end, I'd just have shit all over my legs. It's like having a kid. Yeah, when I'd get home, my mum would hose me down. I was not allowed to come inside.

She'd hose me down in the backyard. Yeah, I assume you can this, you can't be, you can't just every second it happens be doing a thorough clean. Yeah. Never get anything done. You can't be five years into that job and every time that you got a little bit of wee on you going, oh, yeah! Yeah.

Ewe, ewe, ewe. There were also bad jobs like when you pick up all the shit and you got like 150 dogs in sometimes. You're picking up a lot of shit and then you're putting that into a wheelie bin and then we'd have to take the wheelie bin down to the skip and then just lift the wheelie bin up and all the shit go in and sometimes it'd take two or three days to fill up the bin pending whatever and so sometimes you'd just be emptying this bin out and you just get wafted with like you know the skip they're not changing that skip every day either so you got a few weeks of dog shit in there as well.

And it's just full of like maggots and stuff as well. And then the worst job wasn't even that. The worst job was at the back of the kennel. You'd spray it out and then like stuff would go out this flap at the back. There was sort of the remnants of stuff you couldn't clean up. And so at the back there, like once a month, you'd go out and pick up the extra shit dog hair and then that would be filled with maggots and stuff

and you'd have to go around and put a glove on your hand and pick that up. And the gloves, they weren't buying high-quality gloves too, so the gloves would often break apart and you'd get a handful and you're like, ah! Well, if I'd have known this, I'd have called my back dog kennel rather than a hot dog. I clogged the toilet here the other day. You've broken another bathroom in another house.

Straight away. Well, we got kicked out of... Now I think you have a real reason to go next door to the hypnotherapy. Can you make my shit smaller? Oh, fuck, that wouldn't be bad. But no, it was... The dog did a big old piss by the front door, so I just cleaned it up with some toilet paper

and just then went to flush too much. Oh, you're one of those people. Yeah, I just clogged it. And then so then I'm having to like put my arm in to like just get the paper out of the bottom. So I could use a bit of desensitizing because I still, that was four days ago, I still feel dirty. I'm a dirty boy who had his hand in the toilet.

Burn the skin off. Dunny finger. Yeah. I'd still, it's like mentally for the whole rest of the night, I was like, didn't want to eat, didn't want to put my hands near anything. I don't want to. Disgusting. Even hearing it.

I probably wouldn't have put my hand in no matter what to the toilet. You can get plungers. They've invented tools for it. They didn't have one here. Use nature's plunger. Have you ever just pushed the toilet brush around to see if that would do it? Fuck, that's a great idea.

I didn't realise until a while ago that other people weren't... I feel like I've always done a perfect poo that comes out and then it's not like, it doesn't get stuck on stuff. It's like hard enough to hold itself together, but it's one piece. And occasionally it wouldn't go down.

And so I just, I was using the toilet brush to sort of like do a two-step whack, which is sort of like whack it to get it to tip up onto like a vertical thing and then just a bang at the top and then it would go around the bend. Perfectly. to tip up onto a vertical thing and then just a bang at the top and then it would go round the bend perfectly. Hang on. You were fucking golf swinging your solid enough shit that you could reorient it. It's come out as a perfect J shape. Are you trying to bonk it down the U-Bend like a whack-a-mole?

Yeah, exactly. Do you do this for every poo? No, just when they don't go down. And so I didn't... But I've never... But I didn't realise that...'ve never... So, all right. But I didn't realise that... So you're doing Tetris poo.

Yeah, it's like perfect. And nothing gets on the bristles of the cleaning brush, which I also didn't realise until I went to my friend's house. I said, sorry, I flushed the toilet a few times. I did a shit. It wouldn't go down. Don't worry, I used the brush. I popped it around the bed and she went, what?

And I was like, I used the brush. She was like, that's not what those are for those are cleaning brushes they're not for it's not a brush not a poo pusher it's not a mallet

I thought they were like I mean I know you in my mind it was like a toothache you used it to push the shits around and then you like fucking mini golf

when it won't quite go in the windmill and you go up and you nudge it through and it doesn't count that's great if she's shooting it like golf

it wouldn't go down my arse has got the yips. All right, I've got to have a mulligan on this shit. My shit's gone in the rough. I'd better get a paint. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's never happened. Yeah, but then I didn't realise that other people

also do runnier or like cloggier shits or something. Yeah, I don't think I've ever had it be so solid that I have to mechanically shove it through the pipes myself. The water does it all for me. The flush is a wonderful thing for my shits. Yeah. God, that is unbelievable.

I do like the idea that you're doing that every time, just curating your own shit down there. It's not, it's like once a month. Even though you don't even, you've never even seen the button before and you just think, oh, that's just to push it through the S-bin without pressing the button.

How come you've got a mallet next to your toilet, Danielle? What's that for? I'm playing whack-a-shit, you know. We did have a period of time in Brunswick when we were living in an apartment there where I did poo and they would turn up in the neighbour's toilet. What?

Hello? What? What? How did they communicate this to you? How did you find out about it? I did a poo. Why wasn't this a bullet point? I did it because I forgot about it. But also, I think it's happened to me.

Hang on. So you had a poo teleporter in your house where you would do a poo in your toilet and it would just go... It was like one of those old movies or TV shows. You know when they get those messages in the tubes, and they put them in the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go...

Around the room. Like an earthworm popping out of an apple. Yeah. Me going next door and knocking on the door and being like, can you hypnotise me into being funny? And they're like, you've got a lot of nerve coming around here asking for a favour. Well, I assumed because it was a particularly buoyant poo, funny and they're like you got a lot of nerve coming around here asking for a favor well i

assumed because it was a particularly buoyant poo and all the pipes are connected within the apartment block there below me that i'd managed to finally get it down and then it had decided it was like you know like if you're uh i don't know parallel poo it just went sideways instead of down yeah it's well yeah it went down to the apartment below. So the neighbours are opening their... But why were they buoyant like that as well? I only know it happened because they came and knocked on my door. How did they know it was yours? Did they fingerprint your ass? Because they heard me flushing

the toilet so much and then suddenly there was a shit in their toilet. And we know you're on that helium diet, so that explains why it's come back on. I would love to know, I would love to hear the Columbo next door that's like, seen a poo pop up in the toilet and then gone, and then asked around the house,

did you do a poo? And everyone comes in the toilet and goes, no, it doesn't look like one of mine. And it's like Sherlock Holmes, when you get rid of all the possible, all that's left is the impossible. So you start going, hang on,

who else could have done this poo? I'm picturing it more like Danny, the neighbour opens the lid and this thing comes bobbing up and the neighbour's like, I guess we're in for another month of winter. No, someone doing the wall chart with all the string and the pins and everything and going, well, it's not mine. And they've got pictures of their own arses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, my arse was actually down the road at McDonald's sitting on the toilet. And your arse was on holiday. So where was Danielle Walker's arse? How many times did this happen? Just the once. But I do remember because I was about to go to a gig. And I said it to somebody at the gig. And I think it was Matt Stewart.

And I think he then, I think it was Matt Stewart and I think he then I think it was Matt Stewart I hope it was because I think then he told me when he was a kid he was in the bathtub and you know how they have sometimes those bathtubs that just have the hole directly down that doesn't have the like thing and he said he was in the bathtub and a poo came into the bathtub no no what better have because because I didn't have the drain cover and I think it came out had he just pulled

the plug out and it would like you've got to talk to Matt Stewart about this I honestly don't know if I have like the gumption

to ask him about because I'm amazed at this neighbour who's come around and knocked on your door and gone this might sound weird well I think he was

worried because there were two apartments on top, two apartments in the middle and he was in the middle and he said can you not flush your toilet for the next few hours, we're going to get a plumber around and fix this problem because they said yeah

they're going to get a plumber around I guess maybe We're getting Matt Stewart on the phone trying. Just to verify this urban legend. I didn't want to draw attention to it, but I am ringing him. Yeah. I don't think he's going to answer. Yeah.

He's cleaning up. If he does, he'll wish he hadn't. I really hope it was Matt. I think it was Matt. I've just never heard of a poo going up rather than down. Yeah, exactly. I've never heard of this ever. It went down to the neighbour below.

Yeah. But then at some point it went back up. Unless they've got a Spider-Man upside down toilet, there's no way that they... Maybe I'll see if he'll answer. So what happened? I'm going to try and call Matt Stewart just in case he's just not answering. We haven't

That is smart We haven't got to the end of the story That your neighbour Has a poo Then what They say that they've been hearing you flush Your toilet often Gone that's got to be

Oh no it was just for that specific shit I'd been flushing it for quite a while right and they could hear you flush the toilet through their wall well from they were my downstairs neighbor and downstairs neighbors get a lot more yeah yeah i hear like yeah yeah yeah all right okay so you thought you had it bad with the dog's piss mat could have been a lot worse yeah so then your neighbor then how then, how do they relay that to you? Do they come down, knock on the door with the poo in their hand and go, missing anything?

Or what happened? No, they knocked on the door and they said, have you done a poo recently? Very recently. Sorry for nick-knocking you at this time of night. Hello? Have you? Oh, sorry, I heard my name.

Sorry. Well, they asked me if I wanted to come and look at it, but I was like, I've got to do a gig. I know it's mine. I've got to go to a gig. I don't. What am I going to do? I can't do anything about it.

I can't do anything about the shit there. Do you want to come look at it just to say a final goodbye? I'm happy to say from here, yes, it's my shit. I'm happy to say I know it's buoyant. I could see it coming back up through the pipe. I mean, it also, it doesn't matter whose it is. You know, it's in there. It's turned up.

It's a freak event. It doesn't really matter who this belongs to. I didn't do this on purpose. The first time it had happened i'd think i was crazy i told the hypnotist to make me forget my own shits right and i would flush it again and send it on its way because surely that's the solution is you just send it on a second flush down to the next level down oh yeah i would ask i i would then hit the button flush it and then come back down and go, did that come back to your toilet now or is that gone?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or go around the whole flat, you know, the complex and go, did anyone else just get a turd in their toilet? Because I don't know whether this is now just like a Russian roulette. Send it with a sticky note saying, like, hello from apartment three or whatever. Message in a turd. Yeah.

Put a thing in there. This is you. This is what you look like. Text me if you get this. Do you like me? Yes, no. Goddamn. Oh man, I got a feeling the inbox is going to be flooded

with similar stories. A whole bunch of shit showing up when you don't expect it. Yeah, we get a lot of that on the socials already. I want Matt to reply. Yeah, we get a lot of that on the socials already. I want Matt to reply. Yeah, we got to. Because I would honestly, I would love to hear the noise that they heard when it came up because I'm imagining like a very funny little gloop noise of it going back up into the toilet

and then inquisitively going in there. Oh, man, that's fucking gross and I'm going to be terrified. I wonder if it had happened a few times to him or something i wouldn't respond after the first one there's no way it would take at least two googly eyes on them or something maybe the first time i would think i'd gone crazy and it was my shit and i'd just forgotten that i took one and it didn't work from earlier or something yeah the second time i would react but i wouldn't fucking even ever come and talk to you. I'd move.

I'd leave. I wouldn't want to put the googly eyes on there because that's yucky. I'd eat the googly eyes and then just, you know, they'd just end up in there without me having a touch of it. Just randomly on different people. That's eyes all crossed and weird. Little corn nose. Yuck. Goddamn.

All right. Well. This is Yeah he will not It says he's active On Facebook Yeah I've sent him a message

Ring me ASAP please Alright well I guess We better wrap it up there For another instalment Of the little dumb dumb club Has that been an hour? It's been an hour Oh wow

Yeah Time flies when you're Fucking disgusted. And I got another dot point to save for next time. So I haven't used them all up. Wow. And God knows what else, considering that wasn't even a dot point. Yeah.

They were pretty disgusting today, accidentally, because I wasn't... I'm sorry about that, everybody. Yeah. It's fine. That's the vibe. All right. If you feel dirty after this and want to feel a bit fresher, why not freshen up your car?

I can help you out with a... Is he here? Oh, yes! Hang on. Hello, Matt. I've got you not on speaker. Can I even get you on speaker on this thing? I've got you on Facebook chat.

We're just finishing off a podcast episode. Now, Danielle Walker has just told us that one time she did a poo, flushed it, and it bobbed up in someone else's toilet in her apartment. And whilst we were trying to recover from that, she said, I think I talked to Matt Stewart about him having a bath and a poo turned up up through the plug hole. Is this true? You are in the bath.

I've loved it in here ever since a certain event happened. I get in here every time I hear a neighbour flush. She's trying to tell me that I've said that before, but I don't know if she's confusing me with someone else or what. Oh, damn, it's not you? Who is it? Somebody like Matt Stewart, then. You've got some sort of weird psychic connection. You've got the bath right, but you haven't got the poo right.

He's in the bath right now. Oh, my God. Maybe it's it could be Alistair Tremblay-Burchell. Someone with a beard. It could be me, and I've just forgotten it. Andy Matthews. So not you, Matt? God damn it. Okay, well, enjoy your bath. Thank you. Okay.

Be careful because anything can happen in there. Put the plug in. I've got to do a bulk message and figure out who it was. All right, thank you. Well, if you hear this and it was you, please let us know. It was... All right, you do the work. Yeah, I'll do the work and I'll message it then.

I mean, think of how many men in comedy would even take a bath and that narrows it down a lot. But it was him as a child. It was him as a child, which makes it everybody. But it's somebody like Matt Stewart. Okay. So, ATB, Alistair Tremblay-Burtschall. Who's like Matt Stewart?

We'll do our Talkin' Dumb Dumb follow-up in a few days, so maybe if you found out by then, you can drop us a message. Yeah, I'll message everybody. I'm just going to do one bulk message. I love that. To all of them. It was definitely when I lived in Melbourne. One message that then pops up in everyone else's inboxes after.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The hottest group chat in town. Who took the shit? Goddamn. All right, Danielle Noxie, thank you for joining us. Danielle, you're a taskmaster. Yes.

Fuck. Taskmaster on Channel 10, Thursday nights. Yep. You're in that. People loving that show. They didn't have a task like this. Go out and find out. Who did the shit?

Who did the shit? It's actually killing you. If it wasn't Matt Stewart, I would have guessed. Because you would have been another person I would have guessed. Yeah. Not me. I had the back knee. That was what you're misremembering.

I wish I hadn't fucking had it all with the back knee out. It could be ATB. I'm going to... I'll figure this out later. I'm going to message and ask. Anything else to plug? No, just that. Just Taskmaster.

Just Taskmaster, I think. Your toilet. Cool'm going to message and ask. Anything else to plug? No, just that. Just Taskmaster. Just Taskmaster, I think. Your toilet. Cool. Yeah. What do you got? You get a third can free if you buy two of the Carwax. And we're doing a couple of podcasts, Filthy Casuals is a video game podcast,

but also if you're watching The Last of Us, it's a big popular show. We're doing a podcast about that, me and Tommy and Ben, called Clicker, I Barely Know Her. Yeah. You can go listen to that. It's been fun. And you've got Ooh Spooky. Yeah, and Ooh Spooky, that's another podcast. They're all funny.

Yeah. Head on over there. Why not? What have you got to lose? Time? The most valuable resource? Yeah. Stay safe out there in your toilets, guys. You never know what's going to happen. Oh, in your bath. Take a shower, guys. That's my plug. Become a shower man if you're not already.

Jesus Christ. Even if something comes out of the shower head, it'll just bounce off your back and land on the floor anyways. Totally fine. Knocks his little penis. All right, thanks for coming. Ring, ring, hello. We'll see you next time.

See you, mates. And they've done it again. Bernie Kick. We're recording this in your new little, what do we call this house? Yeah. It's not a staycation. What is it? You're in an Airbnb because your house is being renovated.

Yep. And we're recording this in the children's i don't know one of two babies rooms right babies how old are the kids the oldest is starting school next year which is why these people are away and the youngest is like real newborn so they've you know when people have like multiple kids and they're like like a girl I know just had her second kid and her first is like a year and a half old. Right. You know some people just get straight back into it. Which I'm always fascinated by what the logic is behind it.

I'll be damned if I'm having any kids with a two-year age gap. Yeah. Just too horny. Yeah. Don't like dingers. And yeah, as soon as you come back from hospital, let's get straight back into it. Well, I know there is a thing where...

The hospital food sure was good. Yeah. I can't wait to have some more of it. Yeah, I left something at the hospital. And if I'm going to go back, I may as well be taking full advantage of the facilities. Two for one. I do know there is a...

A lot of the time it's because there'll be a thing where women were like once the kid is out of newborn phase, they really they miss that phase. They miss having a little a little baby. So they're just like, I want that again. I know that's part of the psychology. But I think I'd love to know the other reasons. Like maybe you just had this perfect relationship with your sibling and you had a narrow age gap and you just want to recreate that you know you're like i want to give my kid the best chance of having the relationship with its sibling that i had yeah i like so we're in the the the baby's room whatever

and what i what you're in a nursing chair yeah i'm in a nurse is that what this is well i guess it's a little little rocker it's sort of like graham norton's chair though isn't it um now what i like is there's a little library here on the uh there's a bookshelf but it's not a normal bookshelf it's like a shop's bookshelf it's a bookshop like it's they're all fancy books that a three-year-old can't you know is they're very very sort of arty there's no you know golden little golden books or anything like that they're all expensive kids' books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're set up like it's a fucking shop.

I know. No one's reading from that bookshelf. But if you notice, that's everything about this house. It's like there's not really stuff anywhere. It's all, everything about the house looks like it's being set up to be filmed in one of those like real estate videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that they have on like the good real estate sites where they're doing the look through.

There's no clutter. It looks like this room looks like a readings bookshop. I'm tempted to buy one of these books. This is the only selection of books in the entire house. There's literally no other books anywhere in the house. And it's been, there's just a lot, you know, because it's like you're staying in someone else's house and we're here for, you house and we're here for another couple of weeks and we've been here a couple of weeks already.

So obviously you really get to know the space. And then you just start thinking, you're like, there's no bookcase here. There's literally no books anywhere. So then you just in your head, you're like, do these people just straight up not read? Like, I guess they're away for a while. So they would have a fair bit of their stuff with them.

Yeah. But when they come back, and they're taking those books out of their suitcase, where are they putting them? And also, for someone, for people that don't read, they're pretty committed to getting fancy books for their kids. I know. Who, again, they're not reading

because they're not displayed in a way that shows in any way that anyone's read those books. There's no, yeah, no, you're right. There's no like creases on any of the covers or anything like that. Yeah, it's a fascinating house. I want to know more about these people. It's designed for a real estate walkthrough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, news on my front house-wise, I put on socials the other day, Front house-wise, I put on socials the other day, but the dog piss neighbours. Oh, yeah. As immortalised on an episode a year or two ago. The people who lived upstairs, who had a big old sort of, I don't know if it was a greyhound or one of those other big dogs that look like a greyhound, whatever they are. Oh, with it? Yeah, something like that. So that huge dog lived upstairs and would go out onto a tiny balcony, take a big old big dog piss.

It would leak down onto our balcony. I would go up and complain and be as nice as I can about complaining, going, I just don't want dog piss on me and on my child and on my balcony and on my washing. Clothes, yeah. In my mouth. Actually, no, I do want it there. Yeah. If you could contain this to when I'm standing on the balcony.

You could bottle it. Head tilted back, mouth open, going yummy, yummy, yummy. Just bottle it. I could put it in the fridge and drink it when I want. Not just whenever you decide to spill it. Is that so much to ask? Yeah. So I would go up and they would deny everything

and then at some stage they would admit it and then they'd go oh we've got to do better and then they would do better for a couple weeks and then whatever mechanism they'd set up on the balcony would fail and then we would just get stream of dog piss over and over and over it got to a point where we just gave up i stopped going up there because every time we would see them in shared spaces, they clearly were like these cunts. And I'd have to be like, yeah, it's me, the person who doesn't like your dogs pissing on our property and on our washing and on us.

So we just had to, like, don't say a name. It'd be like, oh, can you smell that? I'm like, just, we just have to stay inside from now on. Because I will say, having a dog now, we've got little AstroTurf out in our backyard for him. When we were like toilet training him. And it's still there now. And that's where he goes.

Jesus Christ, it stinks. Yeah. Like we can basically never go in our backyard now because it's like, because it's that, it's summer at the moment. So it's that brick. So he's pissing on that or he's pissing on the AstroTurf. And then it's just getting baked in from the sun. It's fucking, it's awful. Yeah.

It's disgusting. Yeah. And so anyway, they moved out. Of course, they didn't say anything to us. Fair enough. But don't say a name. So I moved out. He very excitedly texted me.

Dog piss people are gone. Great. And so that's not happening anymore, which is great. Yep. But it is funny that they've left such a souvenir. And I just really, I mean, I've always noticed it, but I really had a good look. Once it got into my head yesterday, that's it. The curse is broken.

Yep. They're gone forever. They've left quite a souvenir. Next time you come over, have a look at the Niagara Falls of piss coming down the wall. Oh, they stained the whole wall? The whole wall is just forever stained with dog piss. That's an interesting one because when you move out of a place, obviously you have your condition report. But you know what the condition report seldom mentions?

The wall on the outside of the building. Yes. That's uncharted terrain. Yes. Because now the new person that moves in, they're going to get the thing from the outside of the building. Yes. That's uncharted terrain. Yes. Because I'm like... Because now the new person that moves in, they're going to get the thing from the real estate and it's like front of building,

piss stain all down wall. It's like, why are we on the hook for that? It's like, you know what we are now? We now have like a designed, like a feature wall at the front of our place. It's like when Sam Newman had the big mural of Pamela Anderson, the big face. Except we just have a big old dog piss it's like that pink influencer wall in la you can get listeners of this pod turn up for a photo yeah yeah yeah looking like the piss is cascading down

on them yes you can be you can just like yeah you can get do a selfie or whatever and have your mouth open yeah ah drink a dog piss everyone everyone. Well, speaking of different types of excrement coming in from different apartments, we should also say as a follow-up to this episode. Oh, yes. Danielle, her story where she couldn't work out where it was from, about who she heard it from, about the shit appearing up through the drain while someone was in the bath. She, on Sunday, true to her word, she started a huge group text

with pretty much everyone who's ever done, every man, who's ever done comedy in Melbourne around the period of, I think, about 2017, she's thinking was when she heard it, including, we're both in it, and still no leads on the culprit of the story. No. Few people messaging me going like, why has Danielle started this message? And me being a bit too ashamed to go, it came up on the podcast. Yeah.

I actually was sort of the cause of this. Yeah. But good of her to get us in there just to have a look at what's going on. Yeah, no, I appreciated it. And I also think like, yeah, like you're not guilty by having been left out. You know, it's like this could have been any one of us. It's been a nice little trip down memory lane, seeing some people in there I haven't seen for a long time,

like people who were gigging five years ago but probably aren't anymore and then just being dragged back into the world of stand-up for the express purpose of, did you ever have a poo in your bath? Some people, you've seen them be added and then there's just one message from Danielle about what the group message is for and then they've just left immediately. They're like, no thanks.

This sort of shit, pardon the pun, is exactly why I left the world of stand-up. I got a wife and family now. I don't need to talk about it. I don't need to find out who had a poo in their bath seven years ago. I wonder if there is anyone in that thread who hasn't done stand-up basically since then and they're back in. But it's like they go the other way.

They're like, you know what? I should book a gig in. I miss this. If this is what the state of stand-up is like these days, maybe I wasn't so bad. I'd go all right. I must be better than these people. Or it's the person that told that story and they're seeing all this like heat around them and they're like, you know what?

I never did that on stage. I only ever told Danielle one-on-one. Maybe I come back. Maybe the boys on the pod, they keep talking about it. It becomes this massive thing. All of a sudden, just before comedy festival time, they come out. Maybe the boys on the pod, they keep talking about it. It becomes this massive thing. All of a sudden, just before comedy festival time, they come out. It's me. Yep.

The Pooh Bartha. Exactly. And then that's it. That's their show. That's their selling point. Everyone goes to their show from this podcast. Well, I've got a feeling, and I hope this pans out, that, yeah, we're about to get an absolute flood of stories of this nature from our listeners.

The dream would be we just get enough for a follow-on episode of like, here's everyone's fucked up bath plumbing disasters. I think it's insane, both stories. A poo, a teleporting poo going next door. Yep. Like a controlled, into the toilet. And then a poo coming up through the bath at random. It's just incredible.

Like, I really, I want to get to the bottom of who it happened to. Because at this point, I think it's a story too good to be true. I just can't imagine someone sitting in a bath and seeing a poo pop up there's a lot of things that need to happen too because you need to have like a plug that's just straight that doesn't have like the little you need to have an old timey bath exactly yeah yeah it i think if that happened to me as a kid i think that would have traumatized me for life absolutely like i still get the chills when I think about the time a bird got into my bedroom.

Oh, right. That's scary. I've always thought if I cracked an egg open and there was any form of something bad in there, I would never eat an egg again. I went to eat a packet of sultanas once and they'd gone bad and there were worms and stuff,

like maggots coming out of them. And I was young enough that I thought that's what sultanas are. They're like worm eggs that we're just eating, similar to like chickens. It's like, well, we're eating that. And so for the rest of my life, basically, I still, if I'm ordering something on a menu and it's like a salad that's got some sultanas in it, I'm like,

I still have this psychological thing where I just remember, yeah, looking in that little box and there being all these little worms in there. Yeah, well, that's it. You'd never take a bath again, surely. Yeah. Surely. Okay, so we found out who the story must have been. Kappa.

It all makes sense now. And what happened in his shower as well? Wow, okay. And his washing machine. And his notebook of ideas. And on stage with him. And his bank account. Nah, good on him. Yeah. And his brain. ideas. And on stage with him. And his bank account. Nah, good on him.

And his brain. Yep. Wow. No, we got him. He's dead. We've emptied a clip into him. I think he's dead. Nah, do it again.

All right. Well, speaking of poo turning up in your feed, so to speak. Speaking of being in the bath and just getting a beautiful surprise pop up. Speaking of having a good old time and all of a sudden shit turning up. Hey, let's read out some people's names from our Patreon feed. Please.

People, go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You get to support the show. You get extra bonus stuff for your selfish little guts. And you get to be immortalized on this segment of the show. Everyone's famous. Everyone's favorite bit of the show, where we read from the phone book. That's true.

Basically. Yeah. That's the ultimate test of how great we are. As people used to say, oh, that guy's so funny. I could hear him. I could listen to him reading out of the phone book. Yeah.

That's what we are. The ultimate compliment. Yep, that's what we are. This shows that this is really the biggest award in comedy there is. Well, there must have been people that listened to this before we started this segment that said that about us. Yes. Tommy and Carlos, the little Dumb Dumb Club is so funny. I literally could listen to them read out of the phone book.

Yes. And then we launched this and they're like, well, I'll be damned. I was dead wrong. I skip that part every week. Yeah, well. Be careful what you wish for. But we do have enough compliments

that we are adding a bit on the end of this where we just watch paint dry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's your next test, guys. Oh, isn't that a great idea? compliments that we are adding a bit on the end of this where we just watch paint dry yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so that's that's your next test guys oh isn't that a great idea this could be another british productions production um the like i don't know what you'd call it but it's basically getting you take a vote on who are the funniest people in the world the most watchable people in the world and every week they're doing reading out of the phone book, watching the paint dry, watching the grass grow.

It's the ultimate test. Is this person still entertaining while doing the most boring mundane activities? Let's test us out again this week. Thank you to everyone who subscribes. Current, future, but particularly

this week, the present. Thank you very everyone who subscribes. Current, future, but particularly this week, the present. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Luke Ellis. Luke Ellis. Yeah. Hmm. Any thoughts? Ever met an Ellis? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have.

I met a guy in Adelaide called Ellis. Oh, really? Once upon a time. Just once? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Met him once. Once Upon a Time. Just once? Oh. Yeah. Met him once. Was in a little sketch with him.

And he recently turned up in... He's in Sam Campbell's YouTube special playing a sniper. Oh. Is that out yet? Yeah. Oh, I haven't seen it. He's filmed the whole thing

like it's through the scope of a sniper rifle. Right. So this guy who I met is like... You see him at the start getting the assignment of taking out sam campbell and then it's him setting up at the back of the comedy store it's funny stuff and he does a good job in it you're gonna watch it now i'm just gonna do a live commentary i'm just going to just see uh if i can find it, that's all. Oh, yeah, okay, it is there. Okay, all right, cool.

Alice, I knew a family of Alice's and I didn't care for them too much. Okay. So, like that thing, you know, when you have a child and you can't name your daughter Vicky because you once knew a Vicky that you didn't like or whatever. Yep. If I have another kid, I'm not going to name my child's surname Ellis. Okay. Thanks to that. What about first name though?

Because that's a different thing altogether. What about if you had a girl and you called it Elle? You know, like E-double-L-E. No, I think that's... Is that too close to Ellis or is that its own thing? It's far enough away. I don't mind it. What about Liz?

No. Okay. Why about Liz? No. Okay. Why? Well, Ellis. You know, the back end of Ellis. Oh, okay. Liz. I'm just trying to work out.

Are you... It hasn't been that scarring. Okay. Like, it's just a general... Okay, it's not bad enough that it's like you don't even want to get close to it. You could still... It's a little, tiny, little pebble in my shoe. Okay.

It's nothing vicious. So names that are Ellis adjacent aren't ruled out? No. I mean, look, if my wife really pushed for Ellis, I'd give in. I don't really care that much. Yeah, okay. Sure. But it's just a vaguely nagging memory of them being not the best people.

Okay. Yeah. But if they were here, I'd be very annoyed. But the name is not annoying me that much. Okay. If they were in this room, you wouldn't love it. But if you saw them across the here, I'd be very annoyed. But the name is not annoying me that much. Okay. If they were in this room, you wouldn't love it. But if you saw them across the road, you'd be like, well, this hasn't ruined my day. No.

No. I'd be like, oh, I remember them. Yeah. I don't like them. But you know. But if they're here right now, I'd be like. Back on with my day. Yeah.

Yeah. If they were in this room. If they subscribed to this show, I'd be much less annoyed. Okay. Okay. If they subscribed to the show, would that wipe the slate clean? It would. Would you be prepared to let bygones be bygones?

It would be. They wouldn't need to make the call. You know, when you've talked about this on the show, you pick up the phone. I was a bit of a rat bag back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. They don't need to talk to me. The Ellis family can just subscribe to this podcast and that's the do-over.

Yeah, okay. So that's a good lesson. Anyone who's listening to this that knows us personally that has wronged us in the past in some way and you've just been, you know,

it's a hard call to make to, you know, make amends for your previous self and you don't know how it's going to be received whether it's going to be taken in good grace

or whether you're going to be, you know, get both barrels and told to go fuck yourself. I understand it but we're giving you an easy out. You don't even need

to pick up the phone. Just get onto Patreon. We'll see your name come through and be yourself. I understand it. But we're giving you an easy out. You don't even need to pick up the phone. Just get onto Patreon. We'll see your name come through and be like, they get it. Thank God. Yeah, you're welcome. Okay. All is forgiven. Yeah.

Life goes on. We good. Yeah, we're all good. We good. We good. We good. That would be great if now the entire rest of this Patreon rate was people that had wronged either you or I. Now that I'm thinking about it, this guy, there was a Luke in the Ellis family that I'm talking about.

So this might be him. This might be him. This might be him. All right, you know what, Luke Ellis, we good. What's great about this is like, assuming that he doesn't think there was any issue with you guys at all, he's like, oh wow, my best friend Carl does a podcast. I'll start listening to it. I wouldn't have thought that. Oh wow, I'll start listening to it i wouldn't have thought oh wow i'll get on patreon and then he's listening it's like i fucking hate this i wouldn't have thought that but maybe hey you never know

yeah people you know people's memories differ yeah okay well look alice where there's there's nothing between us anymore but anything bad. I'm officially letting it go. Yep. The first time I've ever done it. Wow. Fuck. This is momentous. What a Valentine's Day gift.

I know. Oh, it is too. Uh-oh. No, no, no. Ruff, ruff, ruff. No. Ruff. No.

No, I don't need you to remember. Get up on that balcony. You're going to be sleeping in that piss mat tonight. No, no, no. I did my shopping last night. Oh, no. I did my shopping last night. Oh, yeah. I did my shopping on the way home. Me with about 10 other last-minute desperate men at about 11.30 at night at a florist near our house.

Please tell me you're not sold out of those chocolates that come in the box that's shaped like the heart with the big bow on it. Oh, that would be great. I've never actually seen that. I've never seen them in real life. Yeah. You should make them. I bet they do. Yeah.

I bet it's like if you go into like a Ralph's supermarket in the States. That's the chain, isn't it? Yeah. There's a Ralph's near where we used to stay at the Sunset Sahara Motor Inn. Yes. I'm sure you can get them there. I did go shopping on Valentine's Day Eve and copped the lovely little surcharge. Oh, really?

Yeah. But what were you getting? A big bunch of roses. Okay. Yeah. And I don't think that that's their usual price. I mean, that's one of those things that I put into the category of like, how would I know? I had no idea.

It's like going to a mechanic if you're not, you know, if your brain's not wired for cars. It's like, this is what it costs. It's like, I guess I'll just take your word for it. Yeah, but Tommy, I buy flowers during the year. Oh, really? So I know that it's a different price to the other times where I fuck up and have to go buy flowers. The last minute, yeah. Well, I mean, it should be like,

it'd be funny if they grilled you and because the last minute surcharge, that's always going to be like contextual. Yeah. That's a sliding scale. So like, obviously the night before Valentine's Day, well, that's a global last minute. But like you going in and they're like,

hey, I'm just wondering, why are you, who are these flowers for? Like, what's the occasion? You're like hey i'm just wondering uh why are you who are these flowers for like what's the occasion you're like oh i fucked my secretary and my wife found out about it oh sorry that's actually going to be 80 dollars no no i want it i want it the other way i wanted to walk in last night and be like no this is uh you know i come in here regularly this is uh you know i i was just very annoying the other night and i feel like i need to buy some flowers um so these aren't these aren't i got them already i got them a week ago and they were we don't celebrate that yeah this is for me being a bit of a dickhead yeah so if you could just knock

off 15 bucks please great thank you yeah yeah i'd like to um what's the occasion well it hasn't happened yet i thought i'd buy these all in in bulk now for future occasions when I fuck up. So I've got them ready to roll out. And then it's like, you just have this big fight with your wife and then it's like you apologizing to her with this like rotted bouquet of flowers that have just been in your cupboard for six months.

No, I'm not paying for the, I'm not paying the extra surcharge for these actually because these are just sorry flowers. They're not, we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. These are sorry flowers. We're Jewish. We don't celebrate. We don't, I don are just sorry flowers. We don't celebrate Valentine's Day. These are sorry flowers. We're Jewish. We don't celebrate.

I don't believe in it. Our Valentine's Day is in a month. I don't believe in it, so I'm not paying that extra. Here's 50. Take it or leave it. And then they go, okay, well, what are you saying sorry for? I'm making up for the fact that we don't follow Valentine's Day. I'm in trouble for that.

So I'm saying sorry about that. Yeah, I've decided that it's just a hallmark holiday. I just get in trouble for not giving her anything for Valentine's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in trouble for that. So I'm saying sorry about that. Yeah, I've decided that it's just a hallmark holiday. I just get in trouble for not giving her anything for Valentine's Day. So this is to say sorry for not bringing anything

for Valentine's Day. Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks, Luke Ellis. Thanks, Luke. Happy Valentine's Day. Well, it's not anymore, but yeah. Yeah, this is your bunch of flowers to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Erin Deneen. Deneen. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Erin Dineen. Dineen? Yeah, Dineen. D-E-

D-I- D-I-N-E No. I thought it might be like an Italian version of the fried chicken place. What's that? You know Nene Chicken?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we know someone at nene nene chicken i don't know we got hit up on socials years ago and they were like i don't know whether the whether there's someone high up at nene chicken oh really that that likes us or whether it was just maybe the social media person or whatever it was let us know yeah because i would nene chicken i gotta say the current king of the food court. Any shopping center you go to, there's a NeNe in there.

You know what? I've never been in one. And if someone behind the brand wants to get in touch and we can be the... We can do a McHappy day in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can...

I've never... I don't think I've ever had it either. And so this is a good opportunity for you because it's like, this isn't a product where we're already into it. So if you bide your time, you're just going to get free advertising out of us because it's something we like.

Yeah, I can't... Give us a free meal and then we'll talk about it. Well, you know, become a partner of the show. Yeah. And then we can come in and we can discover what it's like through the ears of the listeners. Yeah, exactly.

At the moment, like if Oporto hit us up right now, what do you reckon? I'd be like, fuck yes. Oh, absolutely. But at the moment, I really, I can't say, I can't vouch for Nene Chicken at the moment. God, I could go on Oporto right now. You know what I had my first experience of the other day? I was in a, there's like a Korean place. I'm looking up how close Oporto is to us right now.

God, I would imagine from here you're going to fucking High Point or Choppo. I've done this many times but you go Thai food, Thai restaurant near me. Can you do an Oporto near me? Yeah. You just get on

maps and put in Oporto and it'll just bring up a pin of all of them. I went to this korean place that's just down the road from me here have you had this yet i imagine you might have maybe they have them in some thai restaurants the robot waiter yes yeah but like absurd the place i was in is probably the size of this room i was the only one in there and they still sent the robot way out to me i was like this is Like, I could just see the guy push the buttons. I was like, man, I'll get up. I'll just come over there.

Does it play music as well? It comes up and it talks at you, and then it's like, it's actually worse for you, the customer, because you've got to get out of your seat and take it off the little shelf, and then you've got to push a button on the screen to tell the robot that it's time to go home. It's like, if I'm already getting out of the seat,

I really would rather just go up to the counter and pick this up. It's fine. But it just... Why do they have this in this tiny shop that fits maybe a maximum of like 20 people? They do it in a Thai restaurant that I go to sometimes.

And it's a very popular restaurant and it's chockers. And so all it's doing is like creating bottlenecks and stuff of people just trying to get past these fucking dumb robots dawdling its way down the aisle you see them in like din tai fung or anywhere that's popular for like a sunday lunch where there's big families lots and lots of you know dishes to take out big big crowd there it makes sense but when there's yeah when the place isn't that big i feel like the restaurant has to be big enough to accommodate this big fucking shuffling around Dalek bullshit.

Yeah. Look, it's a great idea. I think if you said to me, come to the robot restaurant. It delivers your food. I'm like, fuck yeah. And then when you see the reality, you're like, this sucks. Yeah, exactly. If it was one place that just had it for the novelty, you'd be like, oh, that's pretty interesting.

But then you'd never be going back there purely because of that. Yeah, I agree. What are you finding about where's the nearest Oporto? Fuck all. You know what? It's really on the wrong... It's going to be... It's not close.

There's no Oportos on my side of the city, which is... I realise now that's why I don't ever have it. Yeah. I never see it oh god the nearest one is jesus christ where the edge of the city yeah in the city yeah the nearest one is in the city yeah from here it's i know exactly where it is that's crazy i thought there would have been one out at like i'm surprised there's not one at like doncaster Shopping Town or like High Point. Surprises not want it at a shopping centre.

What's this one? Broadmeadows Shopping Centre. God damn. Yeah, they got to make more of an effort. I thought there was one near you. No, there's not. There was one. There was one in Hawthorne.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Didn't go to it enough. Yeah. Didn't frequent enough. That's on me. We had a... I was going to come to yours.

Do you know what it was replaced by? NeNe Chicken. Ah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Which this... It could replace Oporto and My Heart.

Well, we did do ads for Oporto once upon a time on this so yeah nini yeah hit us up yeah um we were going to do this at yours and then we had a last minute change to doing it here and i you know we i seldom come to yours been going over there a bit more recently you know a little change of environment a few different options for lunch around that area i was really getting excited today. Sorry. And then last minute. What were you thinking?

I don't know. Because I, to be honest... I'll park the car and I'll go for a walk. I'm the same. When I decided to come over here, I was like, all right, what's for lunch? Nice day. I needed to get some stuff from the shops as well, which I was like, yeah, I could get that down Glenfair Road, go for a stroll.

You know what I know is near you, but I don't know where it is. I've only ever gotten it on Uber Eats and I love it. A place called Firebox Pizza. Yes. I know exactly where it is. Do you ever go there? No. I reckon I've been there once or twice because it's next door.

It's basically next door to the main good Italian restaurant in Glenferry Road. Oh, that's where it is. Okay. yeah it's um they do a really good pasta really absolutely loving they do a beautiful uh like a kind of a creamy sun-dried tomato sauce with a pesto on top really good that's so far away yeah i know it just it came up it's always coming up on u Eats for me. And one day I was just like, you know what? This looks yummy. It's like a unique enough kind of sauce that I'm not seeing pop up at any other restaurants. I'm going to give this place a go. And I guess they got up to me pretty quickly.

Yeah. Not being stung too hard on a delivery fee. But I am always thinking like next time I'm in Hawthorne, I got to go and I got to go get it direct from the source. Yeah. It's a pretty underwhelming shop. Yeah. I am always thinking like next time I'm in Hawthorne, I got to go and I got to go get it direct from the source. Yeah. It's a pretty underwhelming shop. Yeah. Yeah.

It's in a shop that used to be a really nice Italian proper restaurant. Okay. And now it's just a lot of pizza places at that end of the street. They really are. Terrible name too. Firebox. Yes. It sucks.

Yeah. What's that? Is that the dunny Yeah After I get the squirts From this Mexican pizza Yeah That reminds me I went to a Thai restaurant

The other day And this Waitress was like Hey did you want a chang And I was like No Because it was like In the middle of the day

No And I just thought That's a weird question And it literally wasn't Until I walked out That I realized I was wearing this hat that says Chang on it. And I was wearing a soccer shirt that had Chang on it. She was making fun of me. Yeah. And rightly so.

Yeah, sure. But I just did not get it. What's the name of this place? I want to give them a five-star review. Hey, never been there, but they bullied my friend and I think that's awesome. Five stars. It was good, actually. It's a good place i'm gonna start doing that yeah if i hear about a restaurant sassing a friend of mine yeah immediate five stars yeah oh look off the back of having never eaten it's like this morning i got i got beeped and you know i think your automatic thing when

you get beeped it's like what the fuck's the problem? And then the person then followed me. The person that beeped me at an orange light when I was turning right, they gave me the beep. I think they went a little bit early on it. But then they turned right and then they realised, oh, they were following me into the childcare. And I think they were, you could tell they were a bit like, oh, no. Because you don't think there's ever going to be a follow-up.

Yeah. And then they have to park directly next to me. Well, also, too, sometimes you're nowhere. ever going to be a follow-up yeah and then they have to park directly next to me well also too sometimes you're nowhere i think like most people's like ingrained main character syndrome really comes out when they get beeped because it's like you get beeped and you're like how dare this fucking cunt absolutely this person is the enemy and then you look at the light you're like oh yeah it's gone green yes i don't think anything has the most immediate firing up of like, this can't happen to me.

I'm the main character who's always in the right. Yes, absolutely. This is my nemesis. I've got to run this old bitch off the road. No, I completely agree. But that's what I enjoyed about today. I was like, you know what? Nah, fair enough.

And so then they had to come back and park next to me. And I was like, I am going to make it so easy for you. I'm not going to look your way i'm not i'm gonna get out of the car really quickly before you have to there's not gonna be any awkward sort of thing or anything like that and so i just did all that and i could tell i think they actually just waited in their car way longer than they needed yeah because the next step down from that is you have that interaction and then you're parallel to each other at the lights yeah and you're like do i turn and have a look do i give them a little greasy yeah or do i just

get on with my life these things happen yeah yeah it was a green arrow and i hadn't noticed yep i was away with the fairies yep um so yeah i did i did uh as as the tv quite often says in my household at the moment, I did let it go. Yeah. I'm always obsessed with the concept of at what point people realised with the horn, it's invented to prevent accidents, for things of that nature, right? Yeah. As like a warning. The first person who was just out and about and they just saw a friend walking down the road

and they're like, I'm yelling at them. They can't hear me because it's busy. Oh, hang on a minute. Like the turning point where people went, I can just use this for any kind of fucking around that I want to do out in the street. Oh, I'm not the person to do this, but I've always thought of this as the idea of a stand-up routine. It's like, you know, when in France, like bon means good, but it also means okay. And like, you know, a word can mean several different things. Oh, yeah.

The Eskimos having like a hundred different words for snow or whatever. Well, the opposite. Right. Having one word that means all these different things. Sure. That's number one. The horn is hello goodbye hey look out

fuck you fuck off yep hey just it's green yeah I fell asleep on the steering wheel

like it means about ten things yep I'm not the person to do that routine but there's a germ of an idea there so if any comedians

out there that listen to this show Tom Ballard feel free to put that on your next special yeah yeah yeah let's all do it yeah a germ of an idea there. So if any comedians out there that listen to this show, Tom Ballard, feel free to put that on your next special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's all do it. Yeah.

Thanks, Erin Dineen. Comedy Festival should have a thing where it's like registration's free as long as you do a routine about this in your show. Right. So you just get this

like vague topic and if you can put it in and get laughs off it. No, I reckon... Someone comes and looks and they're like, well done if you can put it in And get laughs off it No I reckon Someone comes and looks And they're like Well done You can have your rego feedback

No that's your There's an award Oh for best routine Best horn joke About this Yeah It's actually a good idea Yeah

If you can wedge that in your show Yeah This year it's the car horn Because it is a good level Like a good You know A leveler Because it's like

The best show thing is like Where everyone's kind of going about it at their shows in a different way. Some people are trying to do a heartfelt show with a lot of pathos in it. And that's the kind of stuff that's going to stick out to award judges. Other people are just trying to be as funny as they can for an hour. And generally speaking, award judges not so interested in that. So everyone's kind of on a different playing field but going best joke about horns it's like that puts everyone at the same level but then of course you'd start to go ah that person only won it that year because they

they talked about the fucking car horn you know beeping their dead dad in yes yes exactly exactly you'd get the exact same problem that and and just the the horrible long bow of oh the car horn that reminded me of my dad because yeah he used to use the car horn and this is the story of his life no that's not a car horn joke yeah that clown he had like the nose and he was squeezing his nose and making it sound like a car horn oh yeah yeah yeah it's not even a true stand-up bit about a car horn, you know. Yeah. I will be the car horn judge this year.

I'll be the car horn inspector going around. It's not too, you know, it's mid-February. It's not too late for comedians out there to start writing a car horn joke. Oh, it's the perfect time. A lot of people looking at their set list going, pretty light on. Probably need another 10 minutes here. And a lot of people, just comedians, are like, oh, I don't have anything to talk about.

Well, now you do. Car horns. Yep. Yep. Thanks, Erin Dineen. You've inspired that. And when I give out that Car Horn Award, it'll be the Erin Dineen Memorial Award.

The Memorial Awooga. Because I presume she'll kill herself when she hears the fact that her name is attached to car horn jokes. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Andrew Harding. Harding. Okay. All right. Anything?

This is the closest I have to do with anything. I have an auntie whose maiden name is Harding. There you go. Can you beat that? I can't. Harding. No, I don't know a Harding. Never met a Harding.

What's your mum's maiden name? Oh, you can't. That's a security question, I guess so. Yeah, and I've actually, funnily, speaking of comedy festivals, I've actually got a joke about that in my show. Oh, you can't. That's a security question, I guess so. Yeah, and I've actually, speaking of comedy festivals, I've actually got a joke about that in my show. Oh, right, right, right. What's your dad's maiden name? Allsop.

Right. That's also my maiden name. Oh, yeah, yes. Before I got together with comedy. Yeah, before you got together with Mr. Daslow. Yeah. Yeah. My parents, my mum, I don't know if I've talked about this on the show before,

but my mum has a twin brother and they are named. Wow. My grandparents gave them the same names as them. That's insane, isn't it? I think that rings a bell. Yeah, it's one of those things when I was a little kid, I was like, you know, you're just like, oh, yeah. And then, you know, it's like an age where you just don't know your grandparents' names because you don't care.

Yeah. And then at a certain point, I don't know, you get more inquisitive and then being like, oh, okay. And then getting a bit older and going like, that's fucked. They just gave them the same names as them. That's insane. That's fucked. They just gave them the same names as them. That's insane. That's crazy. Is there... It's really hard to find on Google anything to do with Daslo that's not you.

Yeah. Good. Yeah, that is good. That's the dream for any public-facing person. Yeah. If someone started up like a florist that was called Dassalos and that overtook me, that'd be infuriating. Yeah. I remember years ago we tried to find other Dassalos.

Yeah. And there was like a couple in Africa or something. Yeah, you found one in Africa. Yeah. Yeah. Are you wondering if post that episode they've become famous? Well, yeah, something more has happened. But I don't believe so.

No? Yeah, I can't find anything. Well, I'm getting them all taken out. I've got a Google Alert set up for just Dasolo. So anytime a new one pops up, even just in the births registry, I find a hitman and I send him out to get him taken care of. That's pretty cool. So that I can be the only one.

If that is true, that's pretty cool. Yeah. You're right. If it's true that I was doing that, that would be a cool thing. Yeah. Yeah. If it wasn't, not as cool. Not as cool.

Not as cool. Yeah. I don't think. Something. Filling time. Sort of. What are you looking for? You're just looking at pictures of me.

I'm trying not to look at pictures of you. I'm trying to find pictures of not you. Trying to find any mention of anyone else called Dassolo in the world. How do you put into Google, you can put Dassolo and then in quotation marks, minus Tommy? You can get it to... Can you do that? Yeah, you can exclude like dasolo and then like in quotation marks minus tommy like you can get it to can you do that yeah you can exclude certain things from a search i think if you go to like advanced or whatever you might be able to do that but again not so much sorry are you boring yourself yes google's boring you by not giving me what I want. Google's so boring. Yeah.

Oh, it's got everything on it. What do you think about the, it's a good time to be a fan of Pamela Anderson, don't you think? Yeah. She's back in a big way. So, yeah, there's that new doco that's kind of like, it's like her response to that series that she didn't want them to make right it's sort of like in her own words kind of thing i haven't watched any of it yet i know

my girlfriend's watched a bit of it what about you no wife and kid to bed yeah no i've broken out the tissues i've something like that i i watched a couple of minutes the other night only because my wife has been very much like, oh, you'll be watching this show. And I've been like, no, I'm not watching it. And then she's like, no, you'll be watching it. And then there was a bit of a tell, I think, because she's like, no, you'll be watching it. And then I go, no, I'm not really that interested.

It's coming from her point of view. So meaning I think the vibe I get is there's nothing sensational about it. It's just sort of like, no, you know, one of those things that people put together to go, no, I'm actually a good person. And you go, cool, not interesting, but fine. Nice bit of PR. Yeah, I mean, it's not like there's going to be a bit where she's like,

now here's five uninterrupted minutes of my tits. Yeah. Here's it going in. Nothing like that. No. It's just, this is what you want to say. Cool. Yeah.

That's fine. I just don't need to hear that probably. Maybe. But don't say no. It's very much like, no, you'll watch it. You'll be really into it. You'll watch it. And I'm going, I'm not really that into it.

And then she was like, no, you'll be adding that to your list on Netflix. And I'm like, yeah, you've clicked on my Netflix and seen what's on the list. I reckon that's exactly what's happened. What's on there? Well, that and just the fun. Okay. Okay. Yeah. My list is like, the purpose of it is to remind you of things that you're interested in watching.

Yeah. But mine's a graveyard. Right. If I add something to the list, you can almost guarantee that it's never going to get watched. Yes. I'm never going back into the list. When I'm looking for something to watch, I just forget that it's there. I'm never like, oh, I should go into the list.

Yeah. That thing that exists to catalogue things that I might like to watch at a later date when I've got for something to watch, I just forget that it's there. I'm never like, oh, I should go into the list. That thing that exists to catalogue things that I might like to watch at a later date when I've got some time. I'm always like, goddammit, why can't I find anything to watch? And then every now and then I remember, I'm like, oh yeah, that thing I put on there three years ago

that I still really want to watch. What a shame. That's a thing that everyone has, isn't it? At the list? No, no, but exactly what you're describing you put things on the list and then you don't watch them oh look i you know not to um i i dare say that there's people out there that are more organized than i am who are getting around to who are good at using those kinds of things for their intended purpose i would just assume that

that that is a common thing at the very least because that's certainly what i get back into it it's like right down the bottom of the thing on the side like it's not like it pops up up the top and it's like hey remember you got this list like i literally forget that it even exists on the app oh really yeah um i yeah and then you get the email sometimes where it's like oh this is leaving netflix in like 30 days i'm like oh fuck i won't have time to watch it in 30 days it's been on my list for four years yeah well i get i get a lot of like don't forget to watch this no don't forget to finish watching this and it'll be some bullshit that my girlfriend has started watching right and then fallen asleep right and

because i'm signed up to Netflix under our email address, because my personal one was on, I had a Netflix account on it. I talked about this ages ago and it got hacked. And like I kept changing the password and then these people would somehow like change it back. It was this bizarre thing that was happening. So I just ended up having to like, I had to like blow up the whole account and basically make

it so that this email address can never be used to get a netflix account right ever again in perpetuity right so then i was like i just have to get little dumdum club at gmail.com and so that then to our email address we'll get emails don't forget to finish watching a dog's purpose right yeah there's so i've got so many email addresses that have been created for reasons like that yeah where it's like yeah just confirm how to get into felix bar comedy7 at gmail.com i'm like i don't know how to get well it is handy for stuff like that if you like yeah you go to a website to sign up and you've already signed up under some old address and you can't get the password back it's like if you've got multiple emails for different podcasts and gigs and whatever it's like i'll just chuck that one

in that can be my login for this that's fine yeah all right thanks andrew harding thanks harding uh thank you very much to patreon subscriber paul shields oh my lord now what's happened here i don't know what has happened here no. No relation because it's a different name. Yes. Multiple shields. That's great. Introducing yourself. Carl Chandler.

No relation. Yeah. To who? To Barack Obama. To my dad. I mean, fuck. I fucked up. No, hang on.

That's the one person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one person I am. I meant relation. Yeah. Carl Chandler. Yeah. Relation. Yes. Brackets. Relation. To. Couch handler. Yeah. Relation.

Yes. Brackets relation. To who? To myself. Yeah. I'm my dad's son. To people that are on the same family tree as me. Yeah.

Relation. Yes. Shields. Shields. It's a good surname. Multiple of. Yep. Not just one.

Surrounded. Yep. Good protection. Yeah. Very secure family. of. Yep. Not just one. Surrounded. Yep. Good protection. Yeah. Very secure family. What was the first name again? Paul. Paul.

As in the name given to a certain ice cream brand? Remember when there was... Is Paul's an ice cream brand to you? Mm-mm. Really? Peters? No, Peters, yeah. Peters you should know of.

Peters and Streets are the only two I remember. You know what? Paul's, I reckon, was bought out by Streets, I reckon. That's awesome. So at one point there was Peter and Paul. That's what I was going to say

because I was just thinking, fuck, do you know about this or not? Is it still a thing or not? And obviously it's not. I don't know. It must be a bit before my time. So you know Paul's Milk? You know like that brand?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that? Yeah. Well, they used to make ice cream. Oh, okay. But there was Peter's and Paul's. No, I mean, that's how sexist it was back then. There was no Mary's.

No. Ice cream. No. Just Peter and Paul's. These days, though, now that the fucking woke brigade have come for the freezer at the 7-Eleven. These days, though, now that the fucking woke brigade have come for the freezer at the 7-Eleven. These days, Peter or Paul is probably a bloody Mary these days.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Probably just like, you know. Oh, fucking, you go to the fridge at the bloody Caltex, and what do they got in there? Bloody them brand ice creams. Not only that. Bloody Bubba Lo Bill's got pink hair.

Not only that, I went to get some bloody Paul's milk the other day. Now they've got pink versions and brown versions of it. All the bloody colours of the rainbow you can get now. Fucking hell, mate. Back in my day, chocolate milk used to be white. Are you familiar at all with the band Blackpink,

Korean pop band? No. They're very popular. They're coming out here, I think middle of the year and I was trying to get tickets

with some friends because they're really good. But because it was being run through Ticketek, of course it was an absolute shit

show to get tickets. Didn't end up being able to get tickets. So that Korean band called Blackpink, so that was announced like a week ago.

And then just the other day, an announcement of a tour from Pink. And we were talking about this this morning. It's like, I wonder if there's going to be anyone at either of those shows that has accidentally bought tickets to the rock club. Great. Dressed up thinking you're going to see some Korean girlies. And instead you're going, so what? I'm still a rock star.

You're like, why is this old woman on a trapeze? When are the Koreans coming out? It will happen because you know what? Because the parents will be driving some kid to the show. It won't be the kid will know better, but the parents won't. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're all the same.

Pink. Yeah. No worries. Well, you actually know, you know what I could imagine happening is because these black pink tickets, I mean, fuck me, they're so expensive for it. How much? We were looking at the lowest, worst seats, a hundred bucks. Yep.

Next rung down like 150 and then to be general admission near the front, $350. Oh. And then like VIP pits and good seating and stuff, like $1,000. Just a reminder, coming to our live podcast in Adelaide is $30 and in Melbourne it's $25. Yep. Pretty good deal. Pretty good deal. Not only compared to, you know, worldwide famous pop stars, but also compared to a lot of other comedians.

Yes. Also compared to lunch. Yeah. I've had some lunches lately that have tipped over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, so, yeah, so those Blackpink tickets, they're very expensive. And they're, you know, they've got like a, you know, they're big. They're playing a stadium.

So you can only do that by appealing pretty broadly yeah but a lot of their demographic would be quite young so you're presumably if you're like you know 16 or whatever and wanting to go your parents are having to help you front up the cash yes so presumably it's like hey can i you know can i borrow some money i'll i'll do extra chores or whatever if i can get and the parent just hearing pink and going like, you know what? I'll come with you. Right.

Yeah. And they're like, oh, awesome. Yeah, family outing. And then getting there and just being like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. Yeah. Reminds me, I've told this before,

but when I was a kid wanting to go to the dog on the tucker box, five miles from Gundagai. Yep, as made famous in the song. And my dad... The famous Korean band of the day. Yes. And my dad, Slim Dusty, or whoever did it, my dad driving, I don't know, three, five hundred kilometres out of the way,

the wrong way, and me being a, I think, what would I have been, I reckon maybe eight years old, and me going, I'm pretty sure as an eight-year-old, we're going the wrong way and me being a I think what would I have been I reckon maybe 8 years old and me going I'm pretty sure as an 8 year old we're going the wrong way but I'm not

old enough to drive a car I must be wrong and then being so far out of the way and going I'm pretty sure we're not near it and my dad going

yes we are look at that sign and it was a sign that we were approaching a town called Gunnedah not Gundagai yep town that Tom Gleeson grew up in Yes, we are. Look at that sign. And it was a sign that we were approaching a town called Gunnedah. Oh, yeah. Not Gundagai.

Yep. A town that Tom Gleeson grew up in. Yeah. We had more chance of seeing Tom Gleeson or Miranda Kerr than a dog on a tucker box. And that's honestly, that's more interesting. If we had have seen either of those things. Absolutely. Yeah, but the potential.

Yeah, yeah. The excitement in the air. Well, as an eight-year-old, if someone had said, you might see a, I don't know, how much older is he than me? Not that much, about one or two years. As an eight-year-old, they said, there's a sort of balding 10-year-old kid over there called Tom Gleeson. He's kind of funny. He's kind of mean.

Would you like to see him? Or the dog on the toga box? You know, the guy throwing stones at our car. Yeah. No, I don't want to see that kid. Yeah, I'd rather just see a statue of a little dog. Yeah. Or a really hot minus 15-year-old.

Yeah. You can see her dad. Yeah. Her hot dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her dad who's 15. Who's still ages away from doing that cum. Yeah.

That's going to create a hot person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you could see him. How old is Miranda Kerr's dad? I'm looking it up. Just so I know how old he would have been as we drove through Canada. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if he's still with us.

John Kerr. Yep. Doesn't have his own Wikipedia page. Fair enough. Let's see. Because she, well, she's 39. Actually, she's, yeah, she's, so the date would be at least 50, beginning 60 is easy. Okay. So how old would he have been back then

I reckon I fucking don't know I don't even know why I want to know now the train's running out of steam we're just scratching at the door of the engine room going let us out of here we're sick of shoveling coal yeah anyway Paul Shields of the engine room going, let us out of here. We're sick of shoveling coal. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, Paul Shields, thank you very much for subscribing. Yep. I don't know how old Miranda Kerr's dad was when I drove through that town in a Holden Vacationer station wagon. Yep. When we went to Queensland in grade four and skipped a week of school to do it that's cool my parents did that with me took me out of school for like a week or two to go to

america i cannot imagine awesome doing it any other way these days i'm talking to parents and they're like oh yeah we have to go away on school holiday why what's your kiss your kid gonna like fucking you know not learn about the the number eight in like grade one and then it's going to be fucked forever. Fuck that. I'm going to take my kid out of school to go on holidays instead of paying insane school holiday rates. Well, that was the thing.

Like my parents put it to me as like, now, you know, you're going to be missing a couple of weeks of school. So you really got to, you know, you got to earn this. You got to work hard, you know, before we go. You got to, we go you gotta you know you gotta get ahead you gotta get all this stuff done you know our teachers have given you a bit of extra homework to do to fill in the gap but you know that's you know we're doing that you know really building it up like it's a treat for me to get to miss school and really it's like no it's a treat for you you're saving money yeah you're going on a holiday and was it a treat for you because i reckon as a kid i would be like oh fuck i wonder what my mates are doing probably having

heaps of fun uh well this was like we went to we went to america and the uk because we were going to go before i got sick and then i got sick and i got better and then we went after that so that was the funny thing was like i'd already missed two years of school been back for like less than a year and then they're like, yeah, let's just fuck off before the start of holidays. Hang on, hang on. I think you're bearing the lead here. So after you got better, you went to the UK and the US.

Who gives a fuck that you missed out on your fucking make-a-wish, that you took a shit-wish on your make-a-wish now? You end up getting an accidental great fucking wish. Yeah, that's a good point. That's really good. Yeah. You got your do-over without even knowing it yeah that's true that's great i do remember specifically every kid in my school giving me a list of like all the like you know candy that they wanted me to bring back and just

being like yeah okay i'm like getting the money from everyone and giving it over to my parents and then last day of the trip dad actually probably looking at the list for the first time and being like j Jesus fucking Christ. Like having to go into the supermarket and be like, can we buy the like box that all the individual packets are coming in? Yeah. Because these cunts at my school are asking for so much Big Red. Right.

What's Big Red? Big Red's like the real cinnamony kind of spicy chewing gum that, I don't't know one kid brought back from the states once and then every kid at my school was like big red's fucking awesome and it's like it's fine right it's just you know it's just cool because it's american and you can't get it here it's actually not that yummy yeah yeah yeah yeah uh well thanks shieldsy thanks shields um okay let's just do one more and then it's probably lunchtime i think for everyone Well, thanks, Shieldsy. Thanks, Shields. Okay, let's just do one more.

And then it's probably lunchtime, I think. For everyone. Not just us, for everyone. I think you should go and have lunch after you listen to this show. Pull over. Get off the train. Get lunch. Get a sandwich right now. Pull over.

Pull over the train. Well, I'm saying whatever commute you might be on. Pull over. Slash. Get out of the train. Okay, I'm saying whatever commute you might be on, pull over. Slash. Get out of the train. Okay. Take the headphones off. Get out of the gym.

Leave the library. Yeah. And go and get a sandwich at 10 p.m. or whenever it is now for you. Doesn't matter. You have to eat a lunch food right now. Yeah, eat your lunch. Get a little salad. Thank you very much to the final Patreon subscriber um on this show oh wow that's a

coincidence um it's another person who's who's done me wrong oh over my life wow uh thank you very much to mr comedy oh yeah what happened there well um you, that's the person who's in charge of comedy. And who made me as bad at it as I am. Right. Has made me do this right now. Right. So Mr. Comedy is like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, where you put him on and it's like, you will be bad at comedy.

Yeah, yeah. He's the guy. He's basically the puppet master right now. Sure, sure. This could be heaps better than it is right now, but he's pulling the strings. Well, that's good. So complain to him, folks. Yeah.

It's not me. It's the god of comedy, Mr Comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just a conduit. Yeah, but thanks for subscribing to the show. Thanks for subscribing

all the time. For the first time ever, Mr Comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, thanks, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get your tickets to our

upcoming live dates. Get on the Patreon. Thanks very much for listening. And we will see you next time. On the Little Dum Dum Club. See you, mates.