The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 648 - Harley Breen & Bron Lewis

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

This week we're joined by our old mate HARLEY BREEN and BRON LEWIS makes her debut on the podcast! Tommy's wondering if he's under surveillance in his temporary home, Harley's off the booze but we're trying to get him back on it in time for our huge combined bucks party, and Karl's been hitting the sauce at Blanket's fourth birthday party, so we have an all-in parenting spectacular. PLUS, did we accidentally let Blanket's name slip on the show? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a great new episode with guests Bron Lewis and Harley Breen. We have got some live shows coming up very soon, in fact. That's right. If this is April 11 and you're in Adelaide right now as you're hearing this, run down to the Rhino Room. We're doing a live show. Don't run down on April 11. You've fucked it. Oh, whoops. It was a month ago. Oh, fuck. March 11, sorry.

That would be very Adelaide, running down there on April 11th. Yes. All right. Time to buy my tickets to this show that is in one month ago. Yes. And also, given I'm giving out wrong times and wrong dates and everything, if you're in New York on September 11, 2001, run away. Get out.

Run away. Yep. Get up. Get that first flight out on the morning. Although, well, no. Don't get a flight in. That's for sure. Not some of them. Yeah. But just get out. Yep. Get up. Get that first flight out on the morning. Although, well, no. Don't get a flight in, that's for sure. Not some of them. Yeah.

But just get out. Yes. Get the train maybe. Yes. That might be the safest thing to do. But look, all of that aside, if you happen to be in Adelaide, this very coming Saturday, March the 11th, 2.30 in the afternoon, toddle on down to the Rhino Room, and you can see us do a live podcast with some great special guests. That's it.

Also, if you're in Melbourne on April 1, 8, 15, 22, come down. We've got a live podcast there as well. They're selling well. We're about, I think, about 60% done. So, yeah, get into it. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets. You can also sign up to the Patreon on there and get some bonus episodes every week

if that's a thing that you'd like to do. We'll talk to you more in the episode, at the end of the episode, in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new one with Harley Breen and Bron Lewis. Hey, ladies. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Yeah, g'day, dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome Harley Breen and Bron Lewis. Hello. Bron Lewis, first time on the show. It is, yeah. it is yeah yep yep no pressure we brought the comedy inspector in to just keep an eye on things so we brought him in on laundry day he's wearing his own merch that's right yeah and don't worry about that i've already inspected her poster i've got a quote on her poster he does yeah he does the quote says every

time i see bron i'm waiting for her to fail fail. Yeah, it's one of my favourite quotes. My friend's like, I don't know if that's nice. I'm like, it's sick. I think the nicest thing you can say about a comic that's doing really well is we all do it. Fuck off, don't throw me under the bus. I'm not putting it in a writing mode. We all say it, but I don't put it on people's posters, that's all.

I think it evokes the emotion of how great she is because I'm up the back like a bitter old fuck going, oh, please, bomb. Yeah. But she doesn't. But she doesn't.

Yeah, the quote does go on. Oh, okay. You've heard of fail. The end. I'm always waiting for her to fail and I walk out of there a happy man.

I was going to say, that's like putting up she sucks. Oh, I meant succeeded. You didn't wait for me to fail and I walk out of there a happy man. I was going to say, that's like putting up, she sucks. Oh, I meant succeeded. You didn't wait for me to finish. God, I hope she fails. Five stars. That's actually a pretty good quote.

I want to put that on there. It's good. It's good. All right. We've got a fan of you on the pod with you. That's a good setup. Someone who wants me to fail, but that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This could be the one. This could be the moment. Maybe Harley's finally going to get his wish. It is a kind of fail, just the fact that you're here with these two. It's not going that well. Things are going well. Things are not going well. You're failing sideways.

You're not going down or up. It's a daytime fail. They're different. Yeah. You've got two parents here. You're on the clock, so we're punching this. This is going to be a speed round. We've already done a pod before this, so we're informed.

This is good. There's no fucking around. Usually, when we get mates on, we talk for half an hour before the show, before we hit record. Then we go, fuck, what have we got to talk about now? But this is good. This is all fresh now. Maybe all the gossip can make it onto the air this week.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do some bitching. That's good. All right. Who, maybe all the gossip can make it onto the air this week. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do some bitching. That's good. All right. Who was on on the last pod? I'll see what I've got. Okay. Adam Rosenbach's and Troy Keeney.

What a hack. Now you've got to choose which one I'm talking about. I'm always waiting for them to fail. Well, considering that I've had Adam Rosenbach's write on TV shows for me, you'd hope I don't think he's to fail. Well, considering that I've had Adam Rosenberg's right on TV shows for me, you'd hope I don't think he's a hack. Yeah, right. Oh, shit, kitty.

So, yeah, this is the last podcast that we'll be recording in this house I've been staying in for a couple of months. A little house-sitting situation I've got going on. This is a family home. Three young children live here. Oh, yes. I think the eldest is staying.

Who are the other two? Yes. That is good stuff. Zing. We really are warmed up. We would have gotten that on the first episode today. And so when we got in here, they've clearly had people house-sit for them before because they had the house manual ready to go.

So just all this kind of stuff like, you know, just all these little... Is there anything in there about podcasting? Do we have to podcast in the main room? I'm treating this like being gay in the army. Don't ask, don't tell. But yeah, just a lot of little, you know, things about, oh, the dryer does this kind of thing. And then just a big lengthy session about like,

now we do have cameras in some of the rooms for the kids, but we've deactivated them. We've taken them down so they won't be operational. We'll see. There is one out in the, facing out in the, like behind our back fence to just like police, like anyone, like breaking into it. I'm really into webcams.

Can I get a hold of this link? Can I do this? My point being, I'm not the sort of person who like stays somewhere and thinks like, oh, they'll have cameras everywhere. But something about a big, like going to such great lengths to explain to the people in the house that there are no cameras and a really detailed blow by blow about how they deactivated all the cameras. Yes.

In my head I've gone, there's cameras. They're everywhere. So this is the last few days that we're going to be in the house and I've honestly felt like I'm in Big Brother the whole time. Right. Like everything I'm doing here. Well, lots of podcasts film themselves these days. Well, hopefully we've got footage of this.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah. We can go full Joe Rogan. If I just say to the guy. Upskirting Joe Rogan. If I just say to the guy like, look, mate, just level with me. Completely fine if you had the cameras in there. I'm not even mad.

Can I just get the footage for the socials of the little dub-dub club? And he'll be like, which one? The one with Rosie or Bron or which one? I mean, we don't have them on. We have no cameras. Do you have cameras, Tommy? I don't have cameras. Yeah, why would you have cameras?

My house is so small. I also have three children and I'm looking at this house going, man, have I fucked up. Is this the kind of house you've been down with three children? Yeah. Because the area we're sitting in here is my whole house. Yeah. So I have no need for cameras because I can hear them.

They're there. They're always sitting on your lap. I can hear them everywhere. Yeah. I just feel like I look at them enough. Yeah, I don't want to see them. Enough finished. Yeah, just lock the door, make sure there's some airflow.

Yeah, who's reviewing footage of their kids? That's right. Yeah. Well, I tell you what, not to overshare, although there's nothing in this, so there's not really oversharing to be had, but knowing that, I've been too on to to whack off at any point oh really just every time it every time it crosses my mind i'm like yeah but you just don't know do you want

us i've been do you want us practicing celibacy in this house do you want us to form like a guard of honor around you so you can whack off in the middle so i'd be very uncomfortable with that, Tommy. I'm just going to lean on right now. This feels like a real Me Too situation. Three senior comedians, males, wank around a newcomer female. That's fine. Hey, we're not wanking. Oh, wait a minute. We're not wanking. Sorry, I got really excited about the idea.

Anyway, point being, I'm in Adelaide on Tuesday evening and like, fucking hell, if you're the person that runs that Airbnb, although they could have cameras as well, but whatever. Who cares? It's natural. It's Adelaide. You're in the privacy of your own Airbnb. That's where I made one of my children was an Airbnb.

Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah, isn't that nice? Yeah, it was this one. It's nice to be back. Today with me. So you've got a video of the birth and of the conception. That's good. Yeah, that's right.

Full circle. Yeah. We were talking about writing. Bron, I work with you on TV's The Project. Yeah. Never heard of it. It's a pretty big deal, You've been on it.

It's about something different every night. Yeah. You should have a look. It's like improv. It's always fresh. Yeah. You know the news,

don't you? I've heard of the news. Not like this, you haven't. It's delivered differently. Oh, is it the news, don't you? I've heard of the news. Not like this you haven't. It's delivered differently. Oh, is it? Yeah, it is, yeah. Less detail, a little bit more opinionated.

Some very funny jokes in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't it, Carl? Very funny ones. Yeah, exactly. You know when you watch the news and you go, this isn't funny enough. Well, this is the answer.

Oh, okay. I'll give it a look. You should. Look, it's all factually correct because you know because Bron Lewis is writing on it I am I work with her every once a week

every week and every week there is a joke in there there is a subject in there and we go what the fuck is Bron written here and we do not understand what the fuck is going on

and then we realise she's thinking of a completely different thing for example we were supposed to write intros or something for jimmy carr and her intros are something like well he's a he's not only is he funny he's a real giggle and hoot it's jimmy carr and we're like okay that's i guess that's fine she's new at this job and then for the whole day as well you watching me giggle your hoot. Exactly. Six hours later, she goes, oh, Jimmy Rees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's written intros for the wrong person.

I just couldn't work out why I'm so nervous. Sam told him, kept coming at me like, oh, my God, we've got this. What are the funnies like today? What are we doing? And people were pacing back and forth. I was like, why are we so upset about the giggling hoot guy? Fucking hell. I hope he doesn't roast us.

People are like, oh, this is going to be such a funny episode. And you're like, oh, what? So the funniest person on the show is the kids presenter? I was like, this is not a big deal. Is the show at two in the afternoon today? What the fuck is going on? In contrast, how was Jimmy Carr in that time slot? Because that's not a time slot for Jimmy Carr.

Did you watch it, Carl Tanner? No, of course I didn't. What? You admitted that on the microphone? You didn't watch the show that you write for? But you listen to this podcast every week, right? No, I don't. I do.

Haven't missed an episode. What the fuck's going on with the Bucks night bullshit? Oh, yeah. So we talked about that. Well, that's a good point to bring that up because we talked about that a few weeks ago where I'm fascinated with the comedians in Melbourne that have kids that aren't going to get married

and I'm like, oh, we're missing out on a wedding. We're missing out on a Bucks night. We talked about you. We talked about O'Neill, Thornton, Lomas. You're on the same club. Long-term partners. Just did a cruise ship with Lomas. Yep.

Spoiler alert, loves comedy. But saying that out loud, Bron, you can be part of the Bucks night as well because you are a long-term partner. Kids not married. So if you want to be part of our joint Bucks night. Oh, that's cool. Wait, is just Tommy wanking again?

That's the bit where we're inserting now for the lady. Entertainment's entertainment. It's a life drawing class, but you're drawing me wanking. It's colour in motion. And we're not using paint. Good Lord. Yeah, so yeah, there's probably even more than that that aren't married. I'd say there's a lot more than that.

Yeah. I don't know, they're the ones I can think of. Chris Ryan, I know that she wasn't married. Wasn't married and now definitely isn't. Now definitely. She took one step further away. Good for her. Yeah, there's got to be more people.

We don't need more people. We've got good ones. That'll do. My manager in comedy. Well, that's not a thing for us. My friend from mum's group, yeah. I know a bloke down the pub. He's had four kids with four different women.

Oh, great. He fits the bill. It's not like Red Nose Day. It's not like a worldwide thing. I'm just inventing it for people we know, for our mates, okay? I do want to clear just something up because you said comedians

who have kids in relationships who won't get married. I am engaged and plan on getting married but we just don't stop having children. Right.

And so you've got to have that break from when the children are incredibly needy so that you can have a wonderful celebration and not be also breastfeeding

or putting them to bed and things like that. Well, they need to be old enough so that you can get a wonderful celebration and not be also breastfeeding or putting them to bed and things like that. Well, they need to be old enough so that you can get them to work the bar and start some money on that. Exactly, 14, nine months. We've also got three kids and we got engaged when I was pregnant with my second

and my first one was one and she was on my hip and she was just crying, screaming in my ear and that's how he proposed. And it was one of the worst afternoons of everyone's life. That's amazing. And then we were just like, yeah, we'll do it one day. We'll do it one day. And it's actually really dear.

Very expensive. And I've been to heaps of weddings. I've been like, oh, this looks a bit shit for the bride and groom. Yeah. I talk to everyone. Hi, Uncle Kevin. It's busy. Yeah.

Because I've done one before. Yeah, of course. I've done a marriage. I'm always waiting for him to fail. Hi, Uncle Kevin. It's busy. Yeah. Because I've done one before. Yeah, of course. I've done a marriage. I'm always waiting for him to fail. Up there it is. Sorry. Well, that's what I mean because I've had mine so now I just want to go to the fun ones.

I don't want to be the centre of attention and not getting to just get sideways and have responsibilities and stuff. I want to go to someone else's fun. Well, how old were you when you got married? 40, I think, 41. Oh, okay. So it would have been a good...

About 15 years ago. No, that's a long time ago. That makes me old. That makes me way older. His kid owns this house. Well, now I'm at, like, I'm 36 and so now I'm at the age where I can't have one of those shitty weddings. Like, I can't be like, oh, and it's, you know, Aldi wine and stuff.

Yeah, right. It has to be. You've got to have a grown-up one. It's got to be flash. It has to be like oh and it's you know Aldi wine and stuff it has to be you've got to have a grown up one it has to be like yeah you know otherwise it's like well what do you wait for

yeah right but yours will have to be huge Harley no it's not going to be huge it's going to be the opposite but good it's going to be tiny but good yes

I just can't have it because of the money factor right because I'm too old now to have either one of our parents foot any part of the bill. Yeah. Right, it's all on us, which means ten people.

Yeah. And so I've got three kids, so there's just five guests. So who are the other three apart from me and Tommy coming? Mum, Dad and Hannah's mum. Right. Okay, great, all right. But look, this is all, we're putting the cart before the horse. Brian, you're saying the wedding doesn't, you know,

having the big flashy wedding doesn't really interest you. No. But go and absolutely mask off at a hen's night. Oh, yes. A joint hen's, your one hen, four bucks. See, that's our point. For a stunt for a podcast. Now that sounds like fun.

Exactly. If you're not going to get married, if that's all too much trouble, have the hen's night. Yep. We all get to have fun. It's just a massive piss up with no restrictions under the guise of oh we're it's tradition

I'm on board I'm actually on board and also you can have your bucks and hens whenever the fuck you want it doesn't have to be the day before the wedding

you can do that 10 years before your wedding and then go it's been 10 years let's have another bucks party yes that's good

renew our vows to each other it's beautiful renew our vows to vodka well you two are currently the only people coming of the official bucks and hens Renew our vows to each other. It's beautiful. Renew our vows to vodka. Well, you two are currently the only people coming of the official bucks and hens that actually drink. So that's exciting.

Yes. And I just gave it up again. Did you? Yeah. For how long? Yeah, my brain's cooked. I go too hard. Then I get really sad and I can't get anything done.

That does hurt. I'll get a time this better. It's normal. Get on with it. You're going on off, on off. Every time I see you, you're off it again. I keep meeting you at the wrong point. Yeah, that's right.

So this is what happens is, right, I go really, really hard and I get really, really sad and nothing gets done and I go, oh, I've got to have some time off and then I have time off and then I get everything done. I'm like, let's celebrate. Yeah. I celebrate for three months straight. I'm like, oh, I'm sad again.

How long do you have off though? As long as it takes to not be sad. I'm feeling pretty good. Let's get a beer. These people who are like, I quit drinking because I don't like myself when I'm drunk. It's like, you like yourself when you're sober? You freak.

What the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah, I hate myself. I can see clearly. I'm like, whoa. Drown this out. Exactly. Well? Yeah, I hate myself. I can see clearly. I'm like, whoa. Drown this out. Exactly. Well, yeah, this is exciting. This like...

Hopefully, let's get it working. So, well, speaking of parties, I just had... I was talking to you about this at work, Bron, but also on the show. My child's first ever proper birthday party. Oh, yes. Little Blanket's fourth birthday party. So we had that a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about the setup to that.

The stress involved in that. It's like a Bucks night for, you know, for 40 months. I hope it's that he didn't make it a Bucks party. No, no, no. Brr, brr, and Thomas the Tank Engine to do a strip test. Just took his carriage off. Take off. Show us your caboose.

Take it all off. Took his carriage off. Got his carriage out us your caboose. Take it all off. Took his carriage off. Got his carriage out, I would have said. Yeah, I'm sorry. That's funnier. Let's make really explicit dick jokes about your four-year-olds. Did it go well? It went good.

Yeah, there was a lot of stress. I mean, my wife did a lot of the organising. I was not left with the important stuff to worry about. My job officially was sausages. So I was to buy the sausages and cook the sausages. And then I wasn't really allowed to do anything else. Although at the end, then when I was presented the bill, when it was like, right.

He was allowed to do that, wasn't he? Well, I got the bill afterwards and it was like, okay, well, here's the bill. And I was like. What bill? Didn't you do this in a park? No, but there's like. For the sausages? Parks aren't free, Tommy.

Are we still talking about the sausages? You only had one job, Carl Chan. It feels like NDIS was involved here. No, but like, I mean, there was a big cake. There was like decorations. There was music. There was a face painter hired. Oh, okay. There's all this sort of bullshit around was like decorations, there was music, there was a face painter hired. Oh, okay.

There's all this sort of bullshit around, you know, and all the, she went and got party pies and sausage rolls and lollies. But you had sausages, what do you need that other shit for? I don't know. So then at the end it's just all these people lining up with their invoices and you're just like, stamp. Yeah, yeah, so she adds it all up and then sends it to me and goes, there you go, you've got to pay all this stuff. You know, you've got to go harsh with me and this stuff and I'm like okay but when do I get

to present my invoices like I've got I've paid for stuff as well she's like what did you pay for I go I bought $150 worth of sausages and she's like

what the fuck did you spend $150 that's a lot of sausages a lot of sausages I was like I've got to be excited I went to the gourmet butchers and got all the

lamb and rosemary ones. How'd that go with the four-year-olds, you idiot? Yeah, they didn't give a fuck at all. Just covered it in tomato sauce, didn't know what the fuck they were eating. Ooh, tarragon. Is this a hint of Worcestershire sauce? Is this peanut? Peanut.

Fennel's beautiful this time of year. Yeah, I did. I misthought. I ran up a rather large sausage bill that I didn't need to. And how many of these sausages are you yourself taking in while you're working the grill? Oh, a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But more importantly, when it comes down to that way of thinking, then I said, well, here's the bill for that. She's like, I'll begrudgingly pay this exorbitant sausage bill. And I'm like, well, there you go as well. There's the bunch of slabs that I bought, well, here's the bill for that. She's like, I'll begrudgingly pay this exorbitant sausage bill. And I'm like, well, there you go as well. There's the bunch of slabs that I bought as well. And she goes, I'm not paying for the fucking slabs. I'm like, well, it's part of the party. I'm like, no, it's part of your party that you drank with two mates you brought along.

You're the only people who drank because you were offering them to other people. And the other people were like, it's 11.30 in the morning. We're driving our kids to a party. We're not fucking drinking. Yeah, I'm four. I'm sorry. I'm 14 years away from being able to have one of these. I'm going to get on your side with this one.

Good. Kids parties are only for the parent up to the age of about 10. For sure. If you're putting on a kids party, it's because you're broken and you want to see your mates who are also broken because they've got kids the same age. And you meet in a park and you drink right up to that level where you can still get them in the car. And then you hope that your partner didn't drink as much as you. And when you realise that she did, you call an Uber and you plan to come back in the morning to get your fucking car. It's not about the kids.

I take it back. It's good that you're taking a break. Congratulations. That was my thinking. And then everyone else looked at me like a freak. I was like that you're taking a break. Congratulations, yeah. See, that was my thinking and then everyone else looked at me like a freak and was like, I can't believe you.

Oh, no one drank? No, no one drank except for us. Like, there was like three of us drinking. I've thrown parties like that. Yeah. At my house. Yeah, at my house. I've had like a three-year-old birthday party at my house

and people turned up and I had like air skis full of piss. Yeah. And a lot of different kinds. That's what I had. Yeah, great. And I was already on it from like 10 o'clock

in the morning party starts at 2 I'm already sideways and they walk in I'm like and they're like come on kids we're leaving

leave the present before you go you fucking arsehole a friend of mine was telling me they were at like a fourth birthday party and it just like

I don't know how you broach this but someone was like I've got MD and then it was like let's chuck the kids in the fucking TV room in front of Nemo. And then all the parents just went, it's pill time,

and just went hell for leather until 5 a.m. And they were like, yeah, the kids just fell asleep in front of the TV. And we all had a great old time. I was like, this sounds awesome. That's what you do, though. You gravitate towards, like you work out who your parents are in like school drop-offs. You just work them out real quick.

And then you make your kids be friends with their their kids right and then when school party like when their party happens you're like okay so obviously we're inviting this girl and that girl and this and she's like well could we invite you know the girl whose parents don't drink i'm like absolutely not so what are you looking out for a drop-off? A few bags under the eyes, blind shot eyes? Just if they've got alcohol in the hand. Like that pick-up. People would turn up in a taxi because they don't have a licence anymore. Well, because I would turn up. Have them blow into the thing on the steering wheel and drive off from school.

Well, you'd come into the house. I'd turn up at pick-up for my older child with my second tiny little baby in a pram and I just had the caddy on the pram just loaded up with cans. And the types of mums that would come up to talk to me versus the ones that would avoid me, it was a treat because

the mums that would talk to me also had like a keep cup. It didn't have coffee in it at four o'clock in the afternoon. Four o'clock, pick up three thirty, we don't get there till four. My friend Izzy still talks to me about the invention that you gave her of the two chopsticks that you'd glued together with a little hole in the middle so you can kind of hold it like a little joint holder so that your hands don't get all marijuana-y if you then have a little

smoke and then touching your kid. It's a roach clip. You hold a joint with chopsticks? No, no, no. I do it with cigarettes and joints. But basically what happens when you have a newborn, which I just keep having, you don't want that smell on your hands.

It will also be harmful to the child. It's all jokes, right? But I'm being serious here. So what I did is get a chopstick before you rip it apart and then put it on the drill press and drill in a hole right at the tip that fits the size of the cigarette and then put a little bit of tape around it so that when you're trying to open it up to put the cigarette in,

it doesn't split open. That could be a tragedy. And then you just pop it in there and there's just no smell on your hands. Then all you've got to do is wash your mouth and you're done. Yeah, we were in a beer garden with you and you were just puffing away like an Asian Cruella de Vil. What are you doing? What is this?

Asian Cruella de Vil slash Cheech and Chong. I'll take both of those. That's pretty sourceful. So that was me. That was all those slabs that were shared between like three people. So the end of the party was actually everyone, all the grandmas and everything, like packing everything up and everyone fucking off.

And literally the end of the party was people looking over their shoulder at me and Milan sitting at a table in a playground drinking. You had Milan at your four-year-old's birthday party. We were the last ones there sitting there. The last ones there. there the last ones there yeah pretty cool we outlasted a bunch of four year old

fucking pussies oh you going home last ones standing full on kick ons at the four year old party we're there we're there with a with a park bench

full of empties just going yeah this is the other thing that's fucked about comedy and they're like see you guys that's great bye everyone

and they're starting at 11.30 and then your kick ons are like oh the pub will be open soon we can rage honestly he was like let's go to the pub i'm like i have to go home my house i can see my house there and that's my wife waving at me yeah so i have to go there and he's like all right and he just went on a pub crawl by himself down like that doesn't check out down bridge road but he was high on fairy bread of course and you couldn't afford it you spent 150 dollars on sausages did all the sausages get eaten no there's no way kids would eat that it was that stupid thing where there's only two drunk guys everyone's eating sausages yeah it's that crazy optimistic thing where like you know don't say i know my wife. She puts everything in the fridge and goes, oh, that's for afters. I'm like, the next day I looked at it and go, none of us are eating sausages

and none of us are eating this leftover fairy bread. Who's pulling the fairy bread out of the fridge two days later? I do that all the time. Just like, let's get too many sausages and we can have them for lunch tomorrow. And then you're like, you're getting up, you're like, I'm not having a fucking sausage for lunch. Yeah. What am I doing?

Let alone fairy bread. Who has leftover fairy bread what a conversation to be having in a cost of living crisis you know just throw the fucking food out no one's eating it no one wants that i bought excessive food in the bin yeah how many uh how many beers do you reckon you took down at this fourth birthday party oh well i didn't get like sideways or anything i was like i probably had like six or seven or something. That's nothing. Breakfast. That's fine.

A few more later on after the party. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I reckon you, like I've worked this out because I reckon since I've spoken to you, my nine-year-old had her birthday and it was the first year ever that we've let her decide what to do. Usually it's at our house because like I said, we invite the parents that we like and it's for us. It's in the afternoon. The kids do whatever the fuck they do and we just like I said we invite the parents that we like and it's for us it's in the afternoon the kids do

whatever the fuck they do and we just hang out and then all the parents kind of crawl out of our house at the end of the night this year we said okay fine

you can choose and she chose an indoor play centre like where there's climbing and it is it's actually hell on earth it is it's the worst

they're the worst it was the worst I mean the children love it don't get me wrong the screaming there's so much screaming it smells weird the. It was the worst day. I mean, the children love it. Don't get me wrong. The screaming. There's so much screaming. It smells weird. It smells like sweat.

The acoustics on those things. Can I get some sound baffling on the walls or something? It's fucked. So if you're there for a nine-year-old's birthday party, you're also there with a six-year-old birthday party, a ten-year-old birthday party. It's just birthday parties everywhere. And you're not just dealing with your child

and the obnoxiousness of them and their friends. It's times by a hundred. Yeah. And there's nowhere for the parents to stand. the parents are all like i don't know why they just didn't drop their kids and leave all the parents stayed and i should have said to them you don't have to stay but they stayed and then one of the mums looked so hung over that she looked like she was about to spew and i was like i feel i feel terrible that i put her through the worst place in the world but the best part of the whole day, though,

the only good thing about that whole day was it was like 10.30 in the morning and we'd arrived and they said, oh, the party planner isn't here yet. She's very excited to be your party planner for the day. And I was like, okay, cool. I was thinking, you know, someone like Jimmy Carr was going to come, you know, someone with kids. Jimmy Reese? Yeah. Just someone from High Five just kind of like tumbles out from the side

and be like, hey, kids, what's going on? And who do you think's in High Five? Who gives a shit? Yeah. But then this girl arrived. She would have been 14 to 9 months and she looked fucking filthy to be there. She was just angry. She looked like how we all felt but she was allowed to show it

because she had no kids there. And she had like a tight pony, way too much lip gloss and she ignored all the kids. Like, we have this, we have this. She just stared into the distance. They're all like that. And I was like, this is my hero. Oh, did you love her? Yeah, I loved. And I was like, this is my hero. Like, I loved her.

Because I was like, that's how we all feel. And I'm never, ever, ever going to come back to one of these places ever again. So now we have this idea. One year they get to decide what they want to do because now they're bigger. And then the next year it's at home. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we don't do an every year birthday party.

Okay. See, that's what I was wondering about. Because this was such a stress. I'm like, we don't have to every year birthday party. Okay. See, that's what I was wondering about because this was such a stress. I'm like, we don't have to do this every year, do we? No, you absolutely do not. Such a stress. You're just getting drunk on a barbecue. I couldn't do this every year. Too many sausages.

I'll kill myself. That was stressful. You had one job. We were the last ones there. We had to clean up after ourselves. What do you normally do when you're drunk? Just walk away. Just shit and vomit and hope someone wipes it off.

Well, I don't get drunk at home. I just leave it in a pub for someone else to fucking deal with. Yeah, that's fair. No, that's fair. Yeah, no, we do. I mean, it's hard to really have a defined what we do because of COVID. But it's like every sort of three years we'll do a birthday party. Right.

For the kids. Yeah. Do they ask for them though? Nah, because they're not used to it. And then all of a sudden there'll be a birthday party coming out of nowhere and they're like, what the fuck is this shit? But also the way you describe their birthday parties, I don't reckon they think it's their birthday party.

No. I don't even know. Yeah, do they see you like finish off a slab and go, is it my birthday? Yeah, yeah. Every night they and go, is it my birthday? Yeah, every night they're like, is it my birthday? Dad jumped out of a cake. It could be his birthday. No, Dad fell into a cake.

Dad fell into a cake. Is that birthday? Is that a thing? What happened with the kid that got invited from your kid's kinder that she doesn't like? The enemy of my kid accidentally got invited. And so, yeah, that was actually pretty nothing much. He came along?

Just came along and I think played by himself and that was about it. Yeah, suck shit, loser. Yeah. We didn't realise there was going to be so many presents because you just concentrate on all the work to be done. And then all of a sudden we've got like a fucking trailer full. Oh, it's a haul.

And now my kid is just a spoiled brat because she's just going oh a six foot Barbie doll fuck this I'm like oh Jesus Christ where'd you get that language oh that's right

me six foot Barbie doll do you mean just one of the mums what's going on it's a sex doll for her birthday oh yeah

fuck yeah that wasn't a present for you that's what I brought that wasn't a present for you that was foret. That's what I brought. That wasn't a present for you. I brought you the sex doll. That was for my birthday, okay? I was in charge of the sausages and the sex doll.

And that's not a sausage. The gourmet butcher. That was my other official task, which was I had to host the piñata. So we talked about this on a previous episode. Hello, piñata. So this is, we talked about this on a previous episode. Hello piñata here's your seat. I had to host the piñata. Alright guys we just had a big drop in. You know

him, you've seen him hanging in trees before I've seen him getting belted with sticks please give a big give a big park across the road from Carl's house welcome to piñata. The more you talk about this party, the more disabled you sound in every way. I think what you can say is the more Carl talks, the more he...

It's good to have both. You hosted the Piniata. I did the... But you've got gotta host it though What do you do You do have to corral And be like Okay now it's time everyone

You can't just leave kids And go find your own stick And beat that fucking thing up No you do You gotta host it You gotta host it Yeah I don't know I'd say host

No I wouldn't What would you say Run Run Run the piñata I would run the piñata No I'd run the game of You're right

It's not an easy thing Yeah You the game of... You're right. It's not an easy thing. You get the notebook out. You're trying a bit of new up front. Supervise the pinata. Anyway, host's pretty cool. You're right. We'll get this right by next year. No, you're...

So I bought the pinata cheap. Oh, well, there's another invoice. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I forgot about that one. Second job. Unclaim that. Unclaim that. So I got that like six months ago going,

just in case we had a party. It was on sale, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in a reject shop. So yeah, it was cheap. It was 15 bucks. Things are going well. This is a bargain.

Also, as you guys might know, because it was a rainbow unicorn and girls at that age are just fucking obsessed with anything like that. They seem to be. Yeah, absolutely love that shit. Anything that goes with a unicorn or a rainbow. Even in our relatively gender neutral house, two boys, girl, the girl just obsessed with pink unicorn,

rainbows, dresses. I'm like, what's happened? We barely watch TV. I don't feel like I've parented her differently than i have the boys like it's yeah it's all the same and then yeah unicorns rainbows so i got that just going so it basically got turned into more of a doll than a piñata so that she was just like oh i love that and that's in a room and then and now if it's sort of like well you let her have it before the that is classic you made the kids smash it and then you bashed the shit out of her on the day on the day what a metaphor on the day on the day i'm like packing it full of lollies

and she's like what's happening and i'm like oh we're gonna use it as the pinata we fisting it oh it's gonna get worse from here this is do explain. This is the point where, you know, your pet lamb, from now on we regard it as meat. It's no longer the pet anymore. Oh, yeah. This is the farm to table lesson, but really early on. Yeah. So then I learn somehow.

I bring that over the road and then we get to that point where I host the piñata. And I'm like, okay, I've never done this before. String it up. Yeah, string it up. Exactly. Just I'm like, okay, I've never done this before. String it up. Yep, string it up, exactly. Just I'm like, I don't know, tie. I end up tying the string around its neck and then just like. Oh, the crime of adultery.

You lynched it. So I run it over a branch and go, all right, what are we doing now? And I'm like looking around for a stick and I'm like, okay, we'll get this. And I'm like, fuck, I realise I've never, I've never seen anyone officially host, I've never seen any tips for hosting a piñata so I'm like,

okay, so I'm getting advice from some of the mums going, okay, so do I just get my daughter to just whack the shit out of it

until it's all done? No, no, no, you've got to take a turn, you've got to take turns. Everyone has a turn. I didn't know that.

You've got to put a blindfold on them, spin them around so they're dizzy and they whack a dad in the nuts. Yeah, so then, I didn't, I've seen funniest they whack a dad in the nuts. Yeah. So then I didn't –

What was wrong with that mum? Was that the sex doll talking? Fuck, do I let my kid just win this whole thing? What a bitch. I hope you ask her to leave. So I don't have the blindfold because I'm figuring, oh, I don't – it's a – yeah, a four-year-old with a stick. I don't need to –

It's always a stupid idea. I don't need to handicap this kid any further than that. So then my little blanket has a few whacks in it. No good. I'm like, fuck, my little girl hasn't got an arm on her. This is fucking devastating. And then the next kids come along, have a go. All of a sudden, every kid's had a go.

And I'm going, oh, this is the difference between a pinata and a pizza. Pizza, you can't really get a bad pizza. It's all pizza. It's all pretty good. Piñatas, you can get a bad piñata. No one can burst this thing open. They're too hard. It gets to a point where everyone's had a go.

I've started having a go and I'm like, I can't get this thing open. That's when I look at it and go, this is fucking, I don't know what a piñata is supposed to be, but what this piñata is, is a cardboard box with a head attached. That's all it is.

It's a reinforced cardboard box. It doesn attached that's all it is it's a reinforced cardboard box it doesn't matter how much you don't want reinforcement you want a very thin cardboard thin cardboard

no but it's not paper mache it's like corrugated cardboard it's like there's no one getting into this thing everyone's had a how did it end

oh my god well everyone's had a go at it and everyone's getting frustrated call me up a bro I'm a circular saw no but literally that takes it strings it down and just decapitates it it runs over in car how to go at it and everyone's getting frustrated. Call me up a bro at my circular store. No, well literally that takes it, strings it down

and just decapitates it. It runs over in the car. The kids are getting frustrated. The parents are getting bored. Everyone's like looking at me like I don't know how to host a piñata.

I'm like, fucking hell. I've got to answer. To me it sounds like you've done a great job. We've got to get this show on the road. I've got drinking to do.

Come on. Yeah, yeah. No, literally I'm hosting it with a beer in the hand which I start going. I'm just fucking not the best look. Trying to bottle the piñata. Yeah, so I go, I go, hosting it with a beer in the hand, which I start going, I'm just fucking not, not the best look. Trying to bottle the pinata.

Yeah, so I go, I go, oh, fuck, how are we going to finish this? And I go, you know what? And I grab it, I go, all right, guys, we've all had a go, let's get to the end game of this.

And I just rip it open. I rip its head off. Oh my God. And just empty the body on the ground and all the kids go like mice on wheat and just go, ah, to all the lollies and stuff. And I go, ah, well, we got there in the end and sit back and have another sip of my beer.

And about a minute later, a mum, a very concerned mum comes up and goes, listen, and she's actually upset and goes, listen, can you take that thing down? And I look over and because I've tied the noose around the neck, there's just a head hanging from a tree, just a horse's head hanging from a tree in front of all the kids. And the mum's like, you need to take that down. I'm getting upset. The other mothers are getting upset.

The kids haven't noticed because they're inhaling Milky Ways yet. But it's only a matter of time. Yeah, you need to take the horse's head hanging from the tree. You need to take that down now. Oh, yeah, all right. In a minute of time. Yeah, you need to take the horse's head hanging from the tree. You need to take that down now. Oh, yeah, all right. In a minute, mate. When I'm ready. It's just a horse's head

from the tree. It's just Carl Soprano. You can't fucking do anything anymore. We used to have Lolly Man turn up to... Oh, what's Lolly Man? ...functions, church functions. It doesn't help it by saying it was a church function.

Yeah, we'd have these annual things. It was usually around the summertime in Queensland, which sort of sets the scene. And it would be one of the church dads, and he'd just don a full ankle and wrist to neck overall that his wife has sewed on lollies that are in wrappers right so like on the outside yeah all around covered it was lolly man right right and sorry hang on i'm not thinking he'd be wearing a mask of some kind and then at some point this side of a van would open up

and another parent would yell it's lolly man and then he would run and all the children would chase this random stranger that we did't know, but we obviously... You just thought it was Lolly Man. It was just Lolly Man. Yeah. And then just grab at his groin to get lollies. Like try and tackle... Some of the bigger kids would just take him down

and they'd just be ripping at his groin. How long is he in for at the moment? He's not yet. He kept getting erections. Why won't this lolly come off? Where else am I going to put the lifesavers? Holy shit. Was it the same bloke every year?

That's got a creepy centre. Oh, no. Was it the same bloke every year? No, no, no. A few different blokes. They're all from a similar family. They all got to go. They kept going away.

We had to get new lolly men every year. What's this lolly? That's an ankle bracelet. It's on there. Yeah That's an ankle bracelet. That's not going to come off. It's on there for you. Yeah, ripping it hard kids. So yeah, we had a face painter and that was also bad because the longer

the day went on, the more... That was also bad. Just before you thought there was going to be one detail about this that was just a bit of harmless fun. No, no, no. No, well, it got to the less... The more beers that disappeared out of the Esky,

the more Milan was yelling at the face painter going, what about if you painted this on my face? And then they're like, no, don't do that. Stop yelling at the face painter. Did you put together a lolly bag for the kids? Because that's a thing I remember vividly about being a kid. That's all I want. If you went to a party and you got a shit lollibag,

you really judged that kid. Oh, yeah. It was the kid's fault. No, there was lollibag. Because they got the piñata lollies, plus they got the lollibag as well. Everyone was happy. I remember the last one I was on of Dumb Dumb,

I talked about this and said, don't have sugar early. Yes. Because it makes them more mental. Yes. And then you're having spot fires before it ends. there's all this lolly action happening at the end yeah well done yeah thank you i just do everything out so i don't have to do anything yeah yeah really oh yeah but you gave me this advice as well you you were like keep it relatively fine

until about halfway through then bring the cake out halfway through. Cake at the end. Don't do the cake at the end. That was mine. People want to leave. Cake people are out. People who think a party ends with cake, they go. But that's not a bad thing. I said the same thing and you go, good.

Fuck off. Get them out of there. Here you go. Bye. Because they're always the mums who don't drink. oh yeah oh we better go all the ones that really drink yeah i have to get home yeah yeah we did lolly bags at the end pinata towards the end like you know my wife's being's looking down the rundown going, you need to do this piñata. And it's literally me going, fucking will you let me finish my seventh beer in peace? Jesus Christ.

I've had a huge morning cooking 19 sausages for every kid. Sausages were good. I got good reviews from the sausages. They were all right. From you and Milan. From you and Milan, yeah. From a man who I presume has lost his taste buds along the way. I wouldn't have thought saffron was good in a sausage.

And also, so Little Blank is getting to the age where she's genuinely being funny. I'm going to... Like, fuck off Ben Lomas from all his made-up shit he does in his stand-up about what his kid says. It's absolutely... Like, he's just ripping dialogue off Everybody Loves Raymond or something and then saying that his fucking kid says it. It's not true.

His kids aren't funny. He loves comedy! So my kid's starting to become genuinely funny. Oh, mate, yeah. This is what people don't believe. Like, with my kids, mate, they just open their mouth, dumb shit comes out, repeated, fucking bang, you've got a whole festival show. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I think that's I'm about to start to become a dad comedy man that's right it's good shit she goes because she's roasting me now she's like

my wife tells her off for me trying to force my sense of humour onto her because then she like literally my wife will say like

oh you need to pick up your stuff and she'll go okay poo face. Yeah, louder. Can you stop this? Yeah. Because I don't want any of this part of it.

Mate, speaking of that, my three-year-old, literally three days ago, I hadn't given up the beers yet. This is a very recent break from the beers. And so in the morning, I smell even worse than normal people who don't drink in excess like I do. And my girl has jumped into bed with me and she's giving me a cuddle, but still with a sweet look on her face. She just looked at me as I was breathing out.

She went, ah, your yuck is in me. Oh, God. Good Lord. I don't know about this. Well, that's my new festival show title. Let me put my yuck in you. Is that what the lolly man said? That's what your mum said about five years ago.

That's how you were created. Sounds like we're that what the lolly man said? That's what your mum said about five years ago. That's how you were created. Sounds like we're back on the lolly man. Yeah, exactly. Well, she's roasting me at the moment. This is what she said the other day. So she's always figuring out what soccer is when I'm watching it. And she'll go, which team is your team? Who's this?

The red team. And I'll be like, yeah, red team. Red team's my team. Yeah. She goes, red team's your team, daddy. And I go, yeah. And she goes, go the blue team and she and i'll be like yeah red team red team's my team yeah she goes red team's your team daddy and i go yeah she goes go the blue team yeah fuck you they're assholes yeah she's like what what's the team called i go liverpool and she goes what and i go liverpool and she goes liverpoo and i go no liverpool she goes no liverpoo liverpoo she starts

running around the house liverp. Then she starts going, Liverpool. Liverpool. Because we call we, Bish Bish. So she's running around singing, Liverpool. And then that runs out.

Then it turns into, you barrack for Liverpool toilet, daddy. Fucking hell. You're going to get roasted for your whole life. It was all just there in plain sight. That's A grade. That's some A grade shit.

But that's a pretty good comical progression, thinking, she's now saying, I barrack for Liverpool toilet. Liverpool toilet. Yeah. Not Liverpool.. But that's a pretty good comical progression thinking, she's now saying I barrack for liver toilet. Liver toilet. Yeah. Not liver pool. Yeah, that's good. That is good.

My nine year old will do a, she will come for me in more of a sinister way. Less about poo now. And now she'll say things to my seven year old daughter. If she's a bit annoyed at me for something, she'll go, look, mum's trying her best. And I'm like, oh. Like I'm a fucking idiot.

Brutal. I'm like, I'm not really, but. Be easy on her. She's trying her best. That's not all there. That's like the reverse, I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. That's like the sending that one up. That's the death by a million. That's not chopping off a I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. That's like the sending that one up. You're trying your best.

That's not chopping off a piñata's head. That's the death by a million cuts. Exactly. Just like the tilted head and the lipless smile. Like, you're doing all right, mum. Keep at it. You'll get there. I'm like, fuck off, bitch.

This stuff where you can't figure out where they've learned it from. She'll get a tablet for an hour a day to watch cartoons. And I'm like, I'm assuming this is where it's coming from or whatever. But she goes, I was driving to like kinder the other day before her birthday. I was like, what do you wish for for your birthday? What are you wishing for? And she turns around and goes, I wish for you to shut your mouth. Yes.

She says it all the time. Where did that come from? I love it Where could she get that from? It was my kid's birthday On Saturday And I He's still on me To get him a present

Right Because I booked a cruise On his birthday So I took him out I didn't mean to do it It was

It was an oversight Because it was a cancelled one And a cancelled one And then finally I was like Yeah yeah, I'll just do it. And so I took him out before. So you're performing on a cruise is what you're saying? Oh, I was performing. It's not your kid's birthday and you go,

I need to relax from the stress of sausages and drinking. I'm just taking myself away with the boys. It was the Bucks party you guys talked about. Oh, yeah, let's go on a cruise for it. We did it with this. Oh, actually, that's a brilliant idea. We'll have to go with another company that doesn't employ me because then I'll never be back on.

So I took him out to the toy shop. Unless you jump out from the Bucks party for five minutes to just go out and do a set and then come back. That would be good. Yeah, I'd imagine our behaviour off stage is what might get me cancelled. Get back to you. Anyway, I took him out to the toy shop before we I left because it was just the day

before his birthday and he got so overwhelmed with how many toys there were he couldn't decide and then just picked the cheapest one at the front door which was a different color of what he already had and I was like you already had yeah it was the thing you already had and I went yeah sure we're gonna go anyway. And then now he's like, yeah, you know how, Dad, we didn't make the final decision? We've got to go back. And it was literally, I was like, yeah, cool, we will go on Thursday.

That's when I've got the time. And completely forgot about this podcast. Even though you reminded me yesterday, which is when I said it. And then I was like, yeah, we'll go tomorrow. And then I woke up this morning and still said, yeah, we're going. And then there was a notification of, oh, can we do it at 1.15, not 1.30? I'm like, oh, shit. Hang on, is your kid texting you?

No, you guys texting that to each other. And I was like, oh, crap. So you didn't go? No, I'm here. Is there something in this room here? Come on, this morning. Is there some toys I can take from this place? Does he like microphones? Oh, he wouldn't want one of those Nintendo switches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I have to. You did do the pot. Wait, so this 15-minute change of time was the make or break of you being able to make it to the toy store? Yeah. No, no, no. I'd completely forgotten about this again. Oh, okay.

So it's nothing to do with us at all? Because I've given up alcohol but not cannabis. And I just can't I just can't remember Can you go Do you have time this afternoon Nah he's fine Fuck him

Listen he's got We can steal something By the way He did not get toys It was a guilt toy It was a guilt toy from me Like we bought him Heaps of stuff

He had a great day And my dad Happened to be in town So he was proxy dad It was fine It was all good Do you know dogs chewed up lobster? Yeah.

He can have that. Do you know what no one can say to your son? Dad's trying his best. No. I'm not even trying. So, wait. So, how did he react to you going, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, chief.

It wasn't good. Daddy's got a podcast. This guy. We'll go camping next week. I love all of my children. I genuinely adore them. I especially adore this guy. In fact, in my recent show, I kind of painted him as the one that may not be the favorite.

And then at the end, I'm like, he's actually the favorite. He's fierce. He's just a fierce guy. He's the one I describe as mini Thor. And when he's not happy about something everyone knows about it and for a prolonged period of time yeah and i was like i've got to go to work he's like no and then i went oh look pa left some honeycomb in the fridge there we go you could have like that and get sugar and he's like i'm happy now yeah and i know that he'll be happy

long enough for me to get in the car and leave and then his sugar come down or come in and I'm not there for it. Wow, man. I don't see a problem with my plan. You're genius. That's awesome. I feel like I'm kid dumping, I'm blanket dumping just because I've got two parents on the show. I know.

I like how we've turned this into shitting with the door open without Wade. I know. Well, I've got to do it because you get all these other guests on the, it's like, how do I relate to them? Oh, you know when you've never had a job before? Cool, okay, great. Yeah, well this is how I can relate to you guys. Last time you talked

about getting Valium in Thailand, so you find a way. That was with two people that go to Thailand all the time. I picked my target audience both times. The other day I go to Little Wang and I go, she goes to the potty by herself, whatever. She wipes her bum by herself.

But I'm always a bit sus about it because she'll go, she'll do the thing where, you know, she's learned to sort of do the side eyes. I'll go, did you wipe your bum properly? She'd go, yes. And you go, okay. Right up her back. You haven't done this at all.

I can see the liver poo-poo now, mate. Yeah, did you go okay right up her back you haven't done this at all right up her fucking back I can see the liver poo poo now mate yeah did you go to the liver toilet so she goes I go that I go alright

did you I go hey did you wipe your bum properly and she goes it was like a fucking cartoon or something she full on just bent over pulled her pants

and goes why don't you have a look that's awesome and to be honest with you I'm happy when my kids do that

because yeah that's what I'm angling for here because if I don't look now there's more trouble she full on did a

she full on brown eyed she parted the cheeks she did everything last night Hannah was putting both of us

were putting the two little kids to bed who did hey who did Hannah who my wife Hannah Last night, Hannah was putting, both of us were putting the two little kids to bed. Who did? Hey? Who did? Hannah. Who?

My wife. Hannah. My wife. Hannah. Hannah. So Walt had to have two bits of ointment. There was a sore on his butt and some drops in his mouth. And she had the drops ready.

And Walt went, okay, and just dropped onto his knees and just drops in his mouth. And she had the drops ready and Walt went, okay, and just dropped onto his knees and just brown-eyed her, just asked. And I didn't know what she was doing. She goes, okay, and I'll put the drops away and get the cream. Very funny stuff. Hey, how good is being a parent? Isn't it? Kids say the

darndest things. Well, what about this? So I might get the snip after this. I recommend it. So I call my daughterest things. Well, what about this? I might get the snip after this. I recommend it. Yeah. So I call my daughter Blanca. That's not her real name, but that's her name for the podcast. It's the most non-dodgy. It's Talitha.

It's a non-dodgy name because it's only the name of Michael Jackson's kid. There's nothing dodgy about him. Or was he just exactly like you? No. That's not the child's real name. I think he was a bit more like Lolly Man than like me. I miss Lolly Man. What a guy.

That's some great songs. Tommy, I don't know if you've got this hooked up. Oh, yeah, yeah. There was a couple of episodes ago where I just got inundated by listeners going, we figured out what your kid's name was. What? We figured it out. Well, that's creepy.

Well, how did you figure it out? It's like because you're a fuckhead and you said the name, you accidentally forgot to say blanket. You didn't self-censor yourself and you said your kid's name on it. I'm like, I've done a lot of fuck things, but I'm pretty sure I didn't do that.

And I'm like, where the fuck did I say it? And they said, oh, it was on this episode. It was a roundabout this time. I'm like, okay, I've got to have a listen to this. Have you got it cued up, Tommy? Yeah, have a listen. All right. So do I give...

My wife and child are hiding in the bedroom because they've got somewhere to go. Because now we're all naked. They're getting ready. And I said to my child, just saying, would you like to come out and meet Daddy's friends? No, thank you. Yeah. That's it, isn't it? That's it.

Did you hear a name? Justine? No, there was no name there. Did you? Was that it? Justine. Is that what you named your kid? No, you said Justine.

That's right, Harley. That's what I did say. But also, I know your kid's name. And if somebody knows that you're deliberately not saying your kid's name, and then they go, I found out their name, you just sound like a fucking pedo. Like, that's the only thing. Yeah.

So you had multiple people contact and say, we know your kid's name now. That's weird. This is like, is the dress gold or blue or whatever it was. It's way weirder though. I listen to that and it's like,

there's, I can't imagine ever hearing that and thinking it's Justine. So that's no way. Now that I've listened to it back, I'm like, okay,

I guess I sort of get it. Yeah. Do you want to hear it again? Should we have it one more time? Play it again. I mean, good guess. My child are hiding

in the bedroom because they've got somewhere to go. Because now we're all naked. They're getting ready and I said to my child, One more time I mean good guess Just then That's what I say Just then Said to my child Just then It's a weird name I'm like

You're offended When someone's like Trying to go Oh I got you I know the name of a child I'm offended But someone thinks I named a baby

Justine Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah It's also If you had have said it like that name of a child. I'm offended that someone thinks I named a baby Justine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And also, if you had have said it like that, that's just kind of a weird sentence to say, well, I said to my child Justine. It's like, now who's he talking about? Come on, we need the... It's like, what a weird

sentence structure. I said to my child Tabitha, Tabitha. Justine, I said, Justine. Come here, Tabitha. We're going to the lacrosse club. Give me. Come here, Tabitha. We're going to the lacrosse club. Give me a brown eye, Tabitha. Do it. Am I bewitched?

Yeah. Get my Liverpool hat and let's go. Well, maybe Justine could be the new pseudonym. Oh, that's the new blanket, is it? The new blanket. Just them. Yeah. Just them. Just them. Oh, that's the new blanket, is it? The new blanket. Just Them. Yeah, Just Them. Just Them. No, no, no.

Just Them. Yes, that's the name. Just Them. Just Them. Yeah, I was throwing a party for my baby. New merch shirt that won't sell. My four-year-old Just Then. Just Then.

Just Then Chandler. Beautiful. I'll keep up, for sure. Yeah, it's a good name. Yeah, you got me, guys. You did get me. Yeah. I go to's a good name. You got me, guys. You did get me. Yeah. I ghost him.

Just then. My child, just then. Oh, just then. Come here. Can you help me get the fucking horse's dangling head from the tree? Just then. Just then. Come on, just then.

Just then. I think I've told this before, but this just burned into my memory from being at the beach once and there was this little nude kid and he was under one of those little showers that they have just next to the beach. Were you dressed as Lollyman? Yeah. Okay, good.

He's checking. He's always dressed as Lollyman. Thrashing one out. Okay. I just pull up in my van. Now all the windows are blacked out. He's all day sucker. Keeps it cooler in the summer. Yeah little those little showers that they have just on the

edge of the beach like that are out in the open this little kid in the nude just like dancing around and this mom this american lady was standing there clearly her kid trying to call him and going graham yeah come on sweetie come on graham come on graham and this kid just like ignoring her just like having the time of his life. And me and my friend were just laughing so hard at A, just this kid just absolutely not paying attention to her at all. But then we walked away, we're like, who the fuck has a little baby and calls it Graham?

Is Graham in there? She's calling Graham and then like four elderly men walk out of the bushes. Dressed as lowly men. Yeah, yes. But is that a name in America Are there many Grahams in America Yeah Billy Graham That's a surname though

Yeah sure So is Harley Okay well we're We're having a different conversation Fuck you But it's a very famous Christian In America's history And if you want to name your child after him

You could go with William or Graham Is there a famous Graham in America There is There has to be A famous first name Graham Graham. Is there a famous Graham in America? There is, isn't there? There has to be. A famous first name Graham. Graham. Who's the most famous Graham?

Graham. No, it's just for Australians. Graham Kennedy's here. Graham Gardens from England. Graham. Graham Norton in the UK. Yeah, people are going to kill us now. It's very English, isn't it, Graham?

So maybe she was just trying to be cultured. She was like, let's give him a name that we just don't see around here. And then she came to Australia and now she's the butt of all jokes. Yeah. Because her kids call Graham like a little fuckwit. We're going to forget someone. People are going to be screaming at the podcast going, Graham was a US president two years ago.

Phone in now on 131060 if you know of anyone called Graham. If you know of a one-year-old called Graham. 131114, give us a call. If you are under the age of three and named Graham, give us a ring right now. It's great. I really don't mind that. 1-800-KIDS-HELPLINE.

Phone in now. Oh, that's great. Calling up the Kids Helpline. Yeah, no. If you're under three and your name's Graham, call in. Triple zero. Call the police.

Get your parents arrested. Yeah, you're not in a sex space. Call in the Kids Helpline and be like, my dad abused me four years ago oh what did he do he called me just then all right we'll send some people hang on he called you just then or he called you before no one takes me seriously the authorities won't do anything about it this is like who's on first or over again oh no all right we'd better leave it there for another week. Because you've

got to go pick up your kid. I've got to go yeah. They'll be alright for a while. You're doing your best.

I'm doing my best. But the sooner you get in the sooner you can hit the pub. Well that's right.

Harley won't be there. There'll be some beers left over. Yeah that's right. It's my kid's four and two

week old birthday party. So let's go for a beer. Yeah. Yeah celebration. I'm into it. You know if I do give up go for a beer. Yeah. Yeah, celebration. I'm into it. You know, if I do give up

alcohol for too long, this country will go into recession. No, no, we need you. Yeah, the GDP went down a couple of weeks ago when you and Milan both gave it up

for two weeks. Take a break and then you've got to come scorching back for this Bucks do. Always do. Yeah. Bron, you've got a show coming up.

Yep, I do. You're touring it around the place. Yeah, I'm going to Adelaide in a couple of weeks. Adelaide and then Melbourne and then Sydney. It's called Probably. My Insta handle is Bron Lewis Yep. And Harley Breen gave me a review once. Can I unpack the review for you?

The point I'm making about Bron, for those of you who are just new to her, you have not heard her name, haven't heard her voice before, you have swagger like a comedian that is seasoned and been on stage for decades. And when I watch you, I think, well, she's very new and it may not go that well, but it always goes well because you play it like a professional. You will not regret your decision to go and see Bron Lewis. Aw, thanks, mate. See, that should be the review, not whatever the fuck else it's and see Bron Lewis. Aw, thanks, mate.

See, that should be the review, not whatever the fuck else you're doing. It's too fucking wordy, mate. It's too wordy. You want to bring them in with a, what's that about? And then a bang at the end. I don't know what I'm doing. Harley, anything to plug? Fuck all on, mate.

You've got merch to sell. You're wearing it at the moment. I'm loaded Fuck off Alright Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mates

And they've done it again Well Just before we turn on the mics Tommy Like you said As your mother used to say What did she say again? As my mum always used to say, let's do a podcast.

I don't think that's what you said. I don't think that's what I said. I think that's the broadcast version of what I said. Okay, bro. How dare you? What happens before the mics go on is a sacred pact that you and I enter into. They're still making me laugh.

I just thought I'd throw it out there, see if you want it on record or not. I just don't know. I guess it's fine. Maybe it is all right. I don't know. We're also doing this a couple of weeks in advance. Yeah. So I've got time to sort of mull it over.

I'll just edit this bit out. Or maybe beep. Just do a big beep. You can do that. I said, as my mother always used to say, let's suck some dick. And then you said, why did she stop saying that? Which is a good question. And you said, because I told her to stop.

So, okay. And she's a, you know, in spite of that filth that was coming out of her mouth, she's a polite, respectful woman. So she'd say it, but if I said, please don't, she'd be like, oh, okay, darling. Don't worry about what was coming out of her mouth. She's a polite, respectful woman. So she'd say it, but if I said, please don't, she'd be like, oh, okay, darling. Don't worry about what was coming out of her mouth. All right, come on. Oh, you said it.

You said it, not me. I was in the fugue state of pre-recording where I'm just, there's a fog comes over me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm not, you know, I'm not myself. Right, right. Okay, that was David Strossman. The spirit of content is like speaking through me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm not, you know, I'm not myself. Right, right. Okay, that was David Strassman. The spirit of content is like speaking through me.

That was David Strassman saying it. Right, okay. I'm his little puppet. Suck wood. Yeah. Gay David Strassman and his horny puppet. Suck wood. David fuck-ass-man.

Shit. Is that. Will that do? We're having to squeeze this in on a Sunday afternoon. Neither of us really wants to sit here and read out five names. As if it's getting any better then. David ass-man and his puppet suck wood. Teddy Bear Ass.

Oh, that's good. Oh, that's really good. That email that we got a while ago from his publicist asking him to be on, we write back and we're like, look, obviously no, because this was months ago. But while we've got you, do you think you could pass this on to the great man? No, can we get him on Zoom just to do this? Just tell him this joke that we came up with.

We just want to tell him about this bit. This bit about him being called David Asmall and he's got a new puppet called Suckwood. That's easy for you to say. You don't have a dick up your mouth. All right. All right. Well.

David's just been fucking his puppet. I like it. Instead of putting his hand up his ass, it's his dick. Come see us on March 11th. Nothing in it's going to be as good as that, but we'll try. We'll give it a crack, but we're not going to get close. Adelaide, March 11th. Melbourne, April 1, 8, 15, 22.

All of those ones selling very well. Adelaide's selling fine. But this is your time to fucking hit the bricks adelaide yeah and do it this is this is the this is a bit in the in history where you all go nah see we're all we always come good in the end okay well it's time to come good yep this is officially come good o'clock yep uh i'm gonna come good yeah um moratorium on this kind of chat For the rest of the episode Yeah Alright let's do our best not to

Yeah my Wife and child are coming home very soon Which Hey look Which brings up the The question In dumb dumb canon Is it still Blanket?

Are we going to call her Blanket? Or are we going to call her Just Then? Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Well, I don't think, I mean, the episode, people haven't heard the episode yet. So I don't think it's for us to decide, right? Right, right.

I think we have to see what the people make of it. Right, okay. Because sometimes, you know, these things come out and we think something like great's happened and we're like, come on guys fucking yeah how good's it oh brace yourselves and then it's like barely any response on the socials right which you could argue has happened with the yarn but we're still following through with it anyway not a great deal of interest oh that's but we like it enough we're committed who cares yeah well what else we're gonna do just then yeah um just then but yes of course come check out those live shows little dumb dumb club.com and hey while you're there another thing that you can do on that beautiful

website is you can subscribe to our patreon you get two bonus mini episodes per week and you go into the draw to get your name read out you could be immortalized on the david ass man suck wood spectacular episode what an honor that's gonna be yeah um that's good all right we'll cut straight to the to the chase oh and happy pride by the way oh thank you thank you is that just to me or to the listeners out to the listeners oh to the listeners we are recording this over that weekend are we okay all right um who's that did you see did you see the piss wall on the way in? Oh, I didn't.

No. Oh, yeah. I wasn't looking out for it. It's our little mural out the front of sorts. New Neighbours. The new people have just moved in. Oh, really? Yeah.

Just then? Like, just then. No, she's not here. She really lives here. See, it works. Yeah, it does. It's catching on already. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the new Neighbours just moved in yesterday, I think, and I met them. And I said to them, welcome aboard. I said, you're under no pressure at all. Oh, you gave them the full backstory, the history, the traditional owners. I said, you're under no pressure to be amazing neighbours. All you need to be is better than the neighbors that poured piss upon our house you went upstairs and did a welcome to piss country yeah yeah yeah to the floor above yeah yeah uh so anyway they were like oh what and um yeah and i was like yeah this is what happened

used to happen and then uh they're like oh my god whatever and then i told don't say a name and said oh this is what i just said to the new novas and she's like you know that the old noves i think they own that apartment so they're just leasing it out to them so you're just telling yeah that that can get back and i'm like oh yeah that's not a deal but then i'm like why am i keeping a secret that they fucking had a dog that pissed all over our house and they already knew that you didn't like it because you were going up there constantly so it's not like you were just bottling that up yes i wish they were yeah exactly yeah yeah anyway anyway so hopefully uh and also great coward move from us because now uh now that they're actually gone don't say name is putting

in a complaint with the body corporate to go can can someone fucking clean the piss up? This is what's just happened. Yeah, that's fair. Why didn't we do that two years ago? True. Anyway. What else? Is there anything else to report? Oh, yeah.

We're going to get into Patreon, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, some cunnies. Yeah. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone who listens. Thank you, particularly people who monetize this show and uh make it worthwhile us sitting here on a sunday afternoon after i don't know a mid-level night i had last

night i guess mid-level well yeah like enough years to sort of be like i'm not it's not 100 percent bounce in my step yeah okay what about you had some, but I started early and I was wrapping up at 9.30. Oh. I played it very nicely. Wow. Met some friends at 5, walking home at 9.30. Yeah, in bed at like 11. It was great.

Nice. Feel all right today? I watered it right up last night, so I don't feel too bad. Did a few laps of the oval. Oh, yeah. You know what I've done? I've converted to, I'm back to just doing laps of the oval

instead of running oh yeah there's no chance of me shitting my pants down the streets anymore yep I'm converted to the oval because my joints

are starting to fucking be really sore from running as fast as I can for five kilometres yeah okay a day yeah

on the footpath and my mum just goes why don't you stop complaining just fucking run on the oval I was like that's an excellent point mum yeah thank you so now'm doing that mum's always no yeah it's like mine always used to say yes uh let's go suck some wood um all right let's suck some proverbial uh

patreon wood uh yeah uh thank you very much to everyone but especially these new contributors newish contributors well new contributors to the the the Stuart Hall of Fame, the fucking John Hall of Fame. I don't know who the fuck we were up to. Thank you very much to Patreon. Subscribe. The first cap off the rank this week. Thank you to Ross Mooney. Okay.

Yeah. Don't mind this at all. Yeah. Cool name. Yeah. It's like... Ross was the name of the house I was in at school. Oh, really? Ross. Ross is the name of the house I was in at school. Oh, really?

Ross. Ross is the name of an uncle of mine. Okay. Of, shall I say, my only uncle, my only remaining uncle. Really? Yeah. The sole survivor? Yes.

That's got to feel good. Yeah. He won. He won. Yeah. Ross, is there anything else? Do you talk to Ross very often no

never never no what do you do nothing just don't don't mix in the same circles okay

what circles is he running in is he out Maryborough way yeah okay Maryborough circles yeah never been particularly close

to the extended family on either side just been a bit like oh yeah they do they do their thing, we do ours. There's no, nothing going on. Did you spend time with them growing up? Yeah, growing up. You did? Okay.

Because even like some people don't even have that. Yeah, right. Like their parents just go, we're not hanging out with our fucking brother and sister. Yeah. Fuck that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have no relationship with your aunts and uncles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, no, I can see. I can see how that could happen. But no, we were fine. And Moody, that's the name of a comedian. It is. Yeah.

In my opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hope to do another episode with him very soon. Yeah. Always a fun time hanging out with the Moon Man. Yeah. I wonder if this guy's related to him could be

could be one of those brothers that we met oh yeah down at the peninsula oh yeah yeah we talked about that who were so drunk

yes and so moony yes so yeah again I think we said this but one one of the brothers

trying to be funny and it's like cunt you're not the one of the family yeah one of them saying to me I was like like, anyway, I got to go, guys. And they were like, are you driving home with a flock of seagulls? And I was like, what?

And they're like, are you driving home with a flock of seagulls? And repeated it like six times. And I kept being like, I don't know what you're talking about. And then it was like a song by a flock of seagulls was playing. And I was like, oh, so it's worth just commenting on the song that's playing? Yeah, yeah. Are you going to do this for everything that comes on? It's not a comment on the song that's playing.

It's just saying it, but wedging it in the wrong spot. Yeah, exactly. But so is there something about that song that makes it more worth pointing out that it's on than anything else? Are you going to drive home with Michael Jackson? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally. You know what I think it was?

I think it's that thing where when you're a kid and you watch Superman or something and then five minutes later you're putting a tablecloth on your back and you're jumping off the kitchen table. Yeah, right. That's what he was doing. Mooney's brother would just watch Mooney be the king up there. I see. I can do this as well. And then heoney be the king up there. I see.

I can do this as well. And then he jumped off the kitchen table and broke his neck. Yeah, I guess if I want to be very generous to him, I guess maybe he was coming at it from the angle of like we're near the beach, so there's lots of seagulls. No, that's way too generous. That's giving him way too much credit, isn't it? Yeah, you're helping him out. Hey, I like to –

There's no need. I like to help where I can. There's no need to help there, I don't think. He's put this on himself. Hey, I'm just looking for answers in this mad world that we live in. Yeah. The world's gone crazy. Yes.

And Trump's at the wheel. No. Yeah, Mooney. God. It's not like the most common name. No. This could be a relative. It would be weird.

I recognise this name vaguely from the socials. This guy has interacted with us before. Right. So it would be weird if he hasn't been like, hey, crazy stuff. You had my uncle on the show this week. Yeah. I think it's impressive of Lawrence Mooney to be such a good comedian when he has grown up with a bit of a fucked up name. You think?

Yeah. But don't you think that's part of it? Maybe. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out in my head what way it would go if I grew up with a name where everyone to start with would be like, you've got a fucked up name. It's a very memorable name, though. It's kind of a good showbiz name, I think.

Yeah, I guess so. Lawrence Moon's got Lawrence, which is quite a... I don't know. Not a comedy name, really. It works in the context of you know him now and you've got your fully formed picture of him already. Larry. Surely you'd go with Larry. Surely you would.

Yeah, I mean, he himself, he'll sign off a text as Larry Moon, which is great. Larry Moon's a great name. Even the nickname for the surname, I think, is great. Just full Larry Moon is great. Larry Moon is a great name for a comedian. Yeah. That should be his name, Larry Moon.

But he's pulled it off. That's how good he is. He's pulled off all his success in his career by handicapping himself with his proper... That should be the name that his mother calls him, and that's it. Yeah. Lawrence Mooney.

Lawrence Mooney. Yeah. Get in here right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Larry Moon. Yes. That should be exactly it. But I also think, too,

Larry Moon is almost too showbiz. Like, if you saw that on a gig post, you'd be like, who's this guy? Fuck off. What was that? I don't know. We're in your house. You keep asking me about things that are happening in here.

I don't know. I felt like someone was like banging on the window right behind me. I was just turning around to see if, I was like, maybe you can see behind me. No, there's nothing behind you. Fucking hell. Fuck, I had a dream last night that someone was coming to get me. Oh, really? I think I talked

on an episode recently, maybe the one with Ben, Russell and Wardy about how common fear of mine in bed at night and any little noise I hear, I'm convinced like

someone's in the house trying to get me. And in this dream, I was walking through my house and walked into a room, door kind of open a bit and went to kind of like push the door

to put it against the wall and it wouldn't budge went to kind of like push the door to put it against the wall and it wouldn't budge and then kind of like through the crack i could see a person and they like leapt out and then i woke up oh it was so scary wow it was literally it's like every time i hear like a bump in the house or something that's what i think it is i'll go to investigate and i imagine myself walking into the living room and there being a person standing there and feeling that pang of panic

and last night I got to live it out in my brain for just 15 seconds. That was scary. Fucking awful. I've had a scary dream for a while.

I had a couple in lockdown but that was that was it. Well, thank you Ross Mooney. That's all of those anecdotes just there were brought to us by you. By, yeah. Sponsored by you, Ross Mooney.

Thanks, Ross. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Caleb Hinson. Hinson? Yeah. That's how you pronounce Caleb, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Hinson.

H-I-N-S-O-N. Hinson. Okay. Interesting. Okay. Interesting. Strange. Can't say I've come across that before. I can't say. I don't know if I've ever met a Caleb IRL.

Didn't go to school with any Calebs. Yeah. There's none in comedy, are there? No, I hope not. There will be. No, I've never met one either. Strange. Until now.

Yeah, it really is. If you could call this meeting, which you couldn't and shouldn't. Yeah. I've never taken money off of Caleb. Yeah, I mean, I guess I haven't either. Well, Caleb, you're sponsoring this anecdote this week. This is just what happened to me on the way home to meet you. We were meeting at my house.

We're both meeting at my house. So on your way here, your house. Yes. Because I was out and you were at your house and then we both came here to record this. Yes. We could have gone anywhere if we were both already out. Yes. I was near a supermarket, and I pulled up to lights,

and I was at the lights, and a guy came out of the supermarket with full-on brush and bucket and everything that he just bought. And I thought, this would be funny. And he walked across in front of my car and I was like, at the window, I was like,

no, no, no, thanks mate. I'm, I'm all good. You know, like he was trying to wash my window.

Oh, cause he, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, nice. And he was like,

and he gave me the same reaction you gave me just then. Just gave me absolutely nothing. I'm like, fuck, it was, it was worth a shout. I thought it was all right. Yeah.

I think, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm, I'm like, fuck, it was worth a shout. I thought it was all right. Yeah. I think, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not that guy. But just hearing it, it took me. There was a few too many moving parts to put together. Yes. So I'm sorry, but you thought I was going to relate to you. Yeah. And in terms of a story about bombing at comedy,

you're not wrong to assume that I'd be able to connect. But I actually felt more of a kinship with the other guy in the story sure hearing that and being like what the fuck's going on yeah yeah yeah look i'm not trying to win anyone over with this retelling i'm just stating that it's uh again once again if we've learned anything on this podcast over 12 years is comedy is not easy no no uh and it wasn't easy then. So, yeah, sorry to anyone I've confused. That's brutal when you're just doing like a very run-of-the-mill, out in public, something a little cheeky to a stranger. Yeah.

And it gets nothing. I mean, that's kind of parallel to like speech at a wedding in terms of easy crowd to me. You would think. Well, it's like the tricky thing about comedy is when I think if you do, it's such a head start if you do comedy in a venue that says comedy club, whatever it is, everyone's coming in. No one's waking up in the middle of a comedy club and going,

who's that up on stage? What the fuck is he supposed to be? That all sort of lubes you up to know that you're supposed to be laughing, whatever. Yeah. This guy on the street, not lubed up at all. He didn't know he was in the middle of a joke. Yeah, that's true.

And then I didn't convey it properly enough. So there was nothing. It was a long shot. Because, yeah, you're right. Without the knowing that you're trying to be funny, what he's hearing is, I think you're homeless. Yeah, I don't even think he thought that. I think he just saw a man in a beat-up car going, no, no thank you,

and him going, okay, no problem. I've talked about this before. My dad's favourite bit to do at a restaurant is waiter comes, plate absolutely polished clean. And as they're taking the plates where dad goes absolutely disgusting couldn't finish it couldn't finish it you know because he because he's basically licked the plate clean i like it and it's like and i've i've barely ever i don't there's i i don't know if i've ever seen a waiter sort of get it in the spirit that it was intended there always is a

moment of like all right yeah and anyway to me anyway, to me, that's just, it's like, I know specifically because it's my dad, but it also does feel like it's very dad humour. It's very old man humour. But then the other day, I was at a cafe. Well, you're a dad. The other day I was at a cafe and I heard a lady behind me whip it out. Oh, disgusting.

Couldn't finish it. I turned around and these girls are like 19 or 20. Right. And I was like, is dad humor coming back around? Is it? Hang on. So it was in the same. In the same spirit.

Right. In the same. Oh, same joke. Being a bit more like not as straight faced with it. Right. Being a bit more like, ah, couldn't fit. And I turn around and it was like, yeah, they were super young. And I was like this would be interesting

if tastes are changing and you know comedies come back around where like the domain of the 60 year old dad is now like being picked up by the zoomers

maybe someone filmed your dad saying it at a restaurant and put it on TikTok and now it's just kicking off a 19 year old saying to you hi hungry I'm dad

and you're like what? you're 19 yeah and a girl but yeah i don't know let us know if you've experienced it you know because it's like comedy changes like sort of so rapidly you know in it and you get it you really get a sense of this if you're like out there doing gigs and like observing it in a live format people's tastes change comedy movies like date very quickly because something that's like in vogue and like a style of funny like people move on very quickly from it but maybe we're

about to come into a new golden era of dad jokes well that's it things change so quickly like i mean just for starters that joke i was trying to do to that guy when he was holding the bucket and the mop and whatever that's racist i was saying that in blackface yeah yeah yeah and that was funny at the time. But now... Half an hour ago. Yeah, now that we're here. Yeah. It's sort of...

You probably couldn't get away with it these days. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. But back then... Or these hours. When you were doing it. Yeah, yeah. It was a different time back then.

Yeah, it was good. Literally, it was like 1pm. Yeah, it was good when I said it was. But now it's not, that I'm not doing it. Well, thanks, Caleb. Thanks, Caleb. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Thanks for sponsoring that anecdote, Caleb.

We appreciate that. We couldn't have done it without money. No. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Look, I'm going out on a limb here because I'm piecing together the name from the email address. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Amanda Bukart. Bukart?

Bukart. B-O-U-C-K-A-E-R-T. Oh my God. Bukart. Bukart. Bukart maybe? Bukart. Maybe Bukart.

Amanda Bukart? Amanda Bukart. Amanda Bukart. Ooh. Amanda Bukart. Well, that's what that... I'd like Amanda Bukart. Me.

If that means anything not to me it sounds like it sounds like it should mean something you know oh I wish I had Amanda Bukar me

the old Amanda Bukar well um it sounds like that's what this man with the bucket did to you Boo Car a man no it's Amanda Bukar

not a man with a bucket Amanda Amanda Bukar Boo Buket man with Buket a man with a Bukat. A man with a Bukat.

That's a good business. It's like, you know, man with a van. It's just man with a bucket. Yeah. It's kind of what a cleaner is, I guess. Yeah. But it doesn't have to be cleaning. It's like you can spew on it or it could be... Actually, I would like a bucket full of M&Ms.

No worries. We can do anything with this bucket. Oh, right. So, literally, you just get to pick. It's just like you go on the site. There's like just a box. What do you want in the bucket? And we'll get you a quote.

That's good. Full of M&M's. That's good. Cleaning's probably the main one they're going to get. But also it's like, we need to stress this. Cleaning's one thing we can do. Yeah. But we encourage you to think outside the box.

Yes. Or think outside the bucket, I should say. I know. Put in whatever you want. Think inside the bucket. If it can fit into a bucket we'll bring it to you. Yes.

That's a good idea. Man with a bucket. That's a good idea. And do you have different sized buckets or is it just the one because remember the van they've got different sized

you know trucks for the quantity of moving that you're doing. Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. That's getting pretty complicated. I know, I like this. I like the idea that it's just straight up one bucket.

Yes. And we have like on the website, have you ever like bought something on a website where they'll have like, if it's a pair of sunglasses, they've got like the 3D model and you can sort of like spin, you can sort of get,

we do that with the bucket. You can just like, you know, it's a little 3D model of it. You can spin it around on your screen. You can really get a feel for the bucket before you decide what you want in it. Oh, I reckon on the website you're like you can just like you know it's a little 3d model of it you can spin it around on your screen you can really get a feel for the bucket before you decide what you want in it oh i reckon you on the website you have like the bucket is like one half of the screen and then the other half of the screen is all these tiny little models of like what can go in the bucket oh sure possibly go in the bucket so all of a sudden you go all right a leg of lamb and you

just click on it and it goes to the bucket and then goes boom and just won't fit in like you can actually have animation so it's like no you can't have a full leg of lamb in the bucket yeah yeah or i put a slab in and then it won't go in and then it'll show you no you can actually have like 15 beers it's almost like tetris yeah yes you get new things and you're trying to like stack them yeah yeah yeah and you're like sort of rotating them around so literally we have this like advanced software where anything you put in, the program like renders a 3D model of it to scale relative to the bucket. Yeah.

And then whatever you can fit in there, the bucket turns up at your house. I do like the idea of someone being very disappointed, like needing a leg of lamb and going, let's call a man with a bucket. Let's call a man with a bucket to get our leg of lamb. Yeah. And then being frustrated,

oh, fuck, it doesn't fit. And the rule is the person who delivers the bucket to you they're not allowed to leave the house until you've consumed everything that was in the bucket so if you're getting a week's worth of groceries the man's just living in your house for a week i think we're over complicating man with a bucket i don't think we should be adding anything okay maybe that's a discount you get a discount if you're prepared to let the man live at your house until you've consumed everything in the bucket. I think that's a different business.

All right. I think you're overcomplicating man with a bucket. All right. It's beautiful because it's so simple. This is now going to be

people get around this and they're like, why aren't you doing this instead of the yarn? Do man with a bucket during the comedy festival. Can you do man with a bucket live on stage?

Can you have someone come out with a bucket at the Adelaide show? Yeah. I guess we could. Can you put stuff in a bucket? Yeah, okay. We just need to get three guests that are very small that could fit in the bucket. Oh, bring the three guests out on stage.

Bring the three guests out on stage in a bucket. They can climb out the bucket. Yeah. Wow, that's a good idea. So we've got a man, and then who else? Oh, God. No need for that. One or two people will get it.

They'll have fun. Who is the smallest comedian you know, apart from that? Apart from Amman? Shortest comedian. It's a good question. I mean... Ben Russell? Ben Russell's pretty short.

I'd like to see Ben Russell and Rove side by side. Rove's always going on about how short he is is he? he'd be pretty little okay yeah he's

yeah he's not Ben Russell is a is a short is a short man right yeah maybe that's it maybe we get him in a bucket Ben Russell in a bucket

yep well he oh no he didn't work for man with a van he worked for a competitor oh so but he's you know he's got he's got man with competitor. Oh. But he's got man with...

He's got man experience. He's got man experience. Man with experience. He's got man with thing experience. Yeah, man with object experience. Man with vessel to a degree. Cool. Thanks, Amanda.

Thanks, man with a bucket. Thanks, Amanda with a bucket. Well, I'm glad we're out here working while my wife and child have surreptitiously snuck in. Yeah. And they're hiding in the bedroom right now as daddy finishes work. Well, and I felt good about that riff because it was funny, but it was also wholesome enough to not feel bad about doing while a wife and child are in the vicinity.

There's something for everyone in that. Yes. It's just a silly little flight of fancy. I do like the whole thing of, you know, how things used to be where, say, for example, I used to be a kid at home waiting for mum and dad to get home from work at, you know, five o'clock or whatever it was, and Blanket, or just then, is in the bedroom waiting for daddy to finish work at home times have changed talking about man with a bucket man with a bucket david strassman's new puppet

your mom's sucking dick oh yeah yeah um thanks amanda thank you very much. Your Patreon subscriber, Ben Willings. Ben Willings. Yeah. W-I-L-L-I-N-G-S. He's Willings to give us some money. He sure is. He's followed through on it. Very good of him.

Ben, this is brought to us by Ben Willings, this text message that I just got from a listener. Just then. Okay. Someone just sent me the, here's something we can follow up in Adelaide next week. Because it was Ben himself. That would be weird, wouldn't it? It's not though. No.

There is a place in Adelaide called Dum Dum Chicken. I feel like we've been sent this before. Have we? Yeah. Oh, it doesn't ring a bell for me at all. Do you know whereabouts it is? Is it in the city or is it out a little bit? I think it's out a little bit.

Okay. I mean, I'm there for like two weeks, so I could do some recon. It is. I could take a little trip out to Dum Dum Chicken one day. Oh, actually, yeah, it's not very far out of that. In Adelaide, what do you call that like big square bit? Like just the CBD bit. Is there a name for like, you know, this bit I'm showing you on Google Maps.

You know, that area. The city. The bit that's surrounded by parkland. Yeah. Yeah. That's Adelaide. Oh, okay. That's weird.

The city. Yeah. But like that parkland bit, is there a bit, do you refer to like, you know, the parkland borders it, doesn't it? The parkland borders the CBD. Yes. I just thought there might be a term for that. Or do people just say the park, everything inside the park is the city? I think so.

Is that just the deal? I think so. I think it is. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's just outside that. Okay. Yeah.

I'm going to take a little trip there. It's north of the city. It's north of the park bit. It's in Prospect. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to take a little trip there. It's north of the city. It's north of the park a bit. It's in Prospect. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to take a little trip out there. Okay. Try some dum-dum chicken.

All right. That sounds good. Sounds right up my alley. It reminds me of something that you do for a living. What do you reckon my chances would be of getting a discount? What do you reckon my chances would be of getting a discount? Going up, going in there, loading up the website and being like, now this, guys, get ready.

You're going to flip your lids when you see this. Get a look at that logo of this shop that you're currently in. Keep that fresh in your mind. Now look at the title of this podcast, this website that I'm on, and then look at that photo there. That's me. This is crazy, isn't it? Yeah.

Can I have a free burger? Yes. And then them saying, we've had this business for 14 years. We are now suing you for copyright infringement. Yes. And then you get nothing.

Oh, look, I really want you to go and do that.'ll try i'll try my best broker us a deal it's been it's been too long since we've had some product endorsement on this show yeah true um i'll wear a little spy camera yeah do that i'll get a hat with a little spy camera in it yeah sam campbell style yeah do that walk in say i am dumb dumb yeah rub that on your chicken's gums and um yeah get some chips

or something come in with a big bucket fill her up boys yes I'm man with a bucket yeah can I have fuck I would love that

as just an idea just oh because you know I got um chicken does commonly come in a bucket yeah I

I was uh share that to people who work in retail fuck me i went to oportos yesterday oh yeah and there was a woman uh i don't know what was going on with in her head whether she was influenced by substances or uh maybe uh just not well or somewhere in between. I don't know what was going on. But she was screaming at the attendant and then went to throw a bottle of Sprite at her. And then what I could figure out by the end of it was what she was so upset about was that the camera,

the security camera at Oporto's was looking at her. That's awesome. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. So she was, the fight was over was they should point the camera a different way so that they couldn't see her. That's, assuming that she wasn't just like off her head,

that's anti-vax mindset. Oh, absolutely. That's parallel to anti-vax mindset. It was. I'm being monitored by the state that's what i took it as because it was a it was a day for that yesterday i mean look we've we've talked about this they're these people hopefully their time has come and gone they've certainly peaked they're on a downhill run from here the anti-vaxes yeah well they're still they're still

hitting the streets sure you gotta give them that that's what I'm saying. Yesterday I got stuck. I was going to get on a tram in the city and then there was no use because they were doing a little protest. But they were doing it down Swanston and it was really pissing me off because they weren't big numbers. They were fucking idiots. To look at them, you go, they're sort of like on the megaphone going, listen to us, listen to us. And you go, I wouldn't listen to you tell me what the weather was. Yeah. Right now.

Like, look at those people. You go, you guys are fucking shithouse. Still doing it now does kind of make me respect them a little bit. Because it would be the easiest, like, why would you be doing it now? Yeah. The commitment to still being out there when it's like, there are no restrictions, there is, this whole thing has ceased to be an issue for anyone in any way,

but still hitting the streets, it's like, you know what? You really are committed to being this dumb and believing in it. You really are crazy. It's just like, there's a million, you know, it's like time consuming. There's a million reasons to not be bothering to do it anymore but still putting time out of your week to hit the streets there is part of me that i go all right you know what respect yeah i kind of i admire it respect is one word i guess but that was saying it was really pissing me off because you know what because it was like a parade or whatever you know it was like a protest where they're yeah yeah yeah

the thing is i was like right now i can't catch the know what, because it was like a parade or whatever, you know, it was like a protest where they're moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is, I was like, right, now I can't catch the tram. I've got to walk like about five blocks. Okay, I guess I'm doing that. But the thing that pissed me off was they were traveling at the same pace as me. So then I just was side by side with this fucking protest the whole time. It does, when you end up in the slipstream of a protest that's something that you don't, that's like bad people. Yeah. And you're just quickly like you're trying to duck you're trying to duck down an alleyway because you're just like

imagine ending up on the front page of the paper and it's like you just in the mix would be mortified well that's i was on the phone to my mom at the same time and it was pissing me off because they're on the megaphone and i'm like oh i'm really sorry mom but this is pissing me off i'm sure it's pissing you off you can only hear this and she's going god just just don't get in the protest with them can you just don't don't actually become part of it i'm like i really am not just go into a shop yeah go anywhere yeah she was like just just get away just don't don't get in a picture don't get don't even get near these people they're crazy obviously i remember getting stuck in one the day we came out of, I think maybe like the first really big lockdown here. And I was meeting my parents for lunch and it was like up the top of the city

and they were having a big one, which was just like, it's the day the lockdown is ending. It's like, it's over. Like you can go, you can do any, you could be doing anything right now. But I got really freaked out because I was like, my parents are old. They're going to have to go through this. They're going to catch COVID in the protest yeah and then they're gonna die like i was just so like freaking out about them having to like interact with these people these these guys these guys are still

yelling at yesterday about vaccine mandates is is there any there aren't there are not that's what i thought yeah someone will probably bring up something, but I was like, what are you talking about? I still haven't gotten around to getting my fourth. Well, apart from everything else, apart from everything else, they're going on about like, oh, you know, smash the state and the government have got control over us and all that sort of stuff. And it's like, mate, you've got a police escort. You're walking, I can't do this.

Yeah, yeah. You're getting special permission to walk down the middle of the road. The government are doing that for you. Yeah. They won't do it for me. Absolutely. You're getting special... I know who's getting fucking, you know, forced to do something, and that's me.

I'm getting forced to not catch a tram at the moment. Listen to this. I don't listen to this bullshit. Yeah. Fuck, anyway. Hot take. These people are fucked in the head. Two listeners dropping off because of this. That's fine. There'd be fucked in the head. Probably two listeners dropping off because of this.

That's fine. There'd be some in the mix. That's fine. Thanks, Ben Willings. Thanks, Betty Boy. All right, we'd better go because I can feel I don't like the idea of my wife and just then being stuck in a room where don't say her name is just constantly going,

no, you can't go out there. Daddy's worse. You don't like being podcasting Fritzl? Yes. That's it. That's it. Okay, let's just do one more. All right.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, wow. Okay, that's interesting. We've had a few of these lately. We're all of a sudden, I thought we'd, you know, it's a bit cheeky getting around a bit of a free plug in this way. It's supposed to be sponsorship, not just Patreon. But anyway, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, a man with a comedy.

A man with a comedy? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So this is a business you think yeah i think so i think it's is this hughes this is speaking of vaccine mandates no no i just must be must be someone you can hire that just comes around with a comedy with a comedy yeah so they just bring like the hangover on, maybe. Was that a comedy?

Oh, come on, mate. Come on, mate. No, I liked that. I just took it all very seriously. Yeah, okay. I thought it was a documentary. Right, about bromances. Yeah.

About the bro code. Yeah. And that guy that was saying paging doctor, whatever he said at the start of the movie. I thought it was all very serious stuff. It's a funny joke. Yeah. As my mum always used to say.

As Tommy's mum always used to say, Paging Doctor. As my mum used to say. All right. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, The Man With The Comedy. Thanks, The Man With The Comedy. littledumdumclub.com. All the tickets we've got coming up for things. Patreon.com slash littledumdumclub.com. All the tickets we've got coming up for things.

Patreon.com slash littledumdumclub. Thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.