The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 650 - Ed Kavalee & Nick Capper

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

This week we're joined by NICK CAPPER and ED KAVALEE! Ed and Capper are rapt to enter this next exciting chapter of their friendship as Tommy gives us a thorough guide to ear candling and we learn about the teachings of Rick Rubin. Plus, Capper's been to Adelaide and accidentally entered an open mic comedy competition. We leave no stone unturned in the retelling of this story including details about Capper's nap time, his run-in with a famous face on the streets of Adelaide, and the Wilhelm scream. It's chaos! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Capper and Ed Cavalli. We are but one week and a bit away from our live season, kicking off in Melbourne, Saturdays at Morris House. We got April the 1st, April the 8th, April the 15th and April the 22nd. And just announced we're going up to Brisbane in May. Saturday, May the 20th in the afternoon. Brisbane nights. All tickets are selling well, but you are all well advised to get tickets before they sell out, which will be soon.

Yeah. And come and see my show in Melbourne. Starts in a week. March the 29th until April the 9th. Scam Artist at the Coopers Inn, 7.30pm. littledumbdumbclub.com for all the tickets. We'll talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, brace yourselves for another episode with Nick Capa and Ed Cavalli.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. I am, g'day dickhead. Two very special guests joining us today. Please welcome Nick Capper and Ed Cavill. Great to be here, thank you for having us.

Capper, a pleasure as always. Oh thanks mate. Man, this is our yearly catch up. It is. You know what, it's been exactly a year since I met Ed. He came on my podcast. And we had a home maintenance guy named Angelo. We did.

Who came in the podcast. And we're talking about all kinds of fucked up shit. It was amazing. Yeah, army tanks. Why did you have a home maintenance person come in? He was fixing the blinds or something. And then you would not believe it today, Ed. Angelo is fixing the house today.

He's fixing the door. It's so weird, man. So the next time something needs doing at the house and Angelo calls you up, you're going to have to be like, I'm just going to have to see if Ed's free that day. Because that's the only way Angelo's allowed in the house. Well, I've stopped believing in coincidences, so I believe it's a sign. No, I'm serious. That's it. in coincidences, so I believe it's a sign. Man, that is a sign.

No, I'm serious. That's it. Coincidences, they don't take that. They're not real. Love the crystals you were showing us before, by the way. Yeah, seriously, this is going to help your chakras, but you do need to insert them. I'll tell you when it's in far enough.

Man, this is great. Do you know what? Tell me. I'm with you. Yes. Because I'm reading Rick Rubin's book. Oh, yeah. Right? And he believes in the source. I'm with you. Yes. Because I'm reading Rick Rubin's book. Oh, yeah. Right?

And he believes in the source. Yes, he does. The source. Okay. What does that mean? What does that mean? So, like, if I'm looking for inspiration, right, I really don't have to study it.

The earth will give me something. This definitely feels like something that you've been waiting to be a philosophy. I was going to say, you've been waiting to be a philosophy. I was going to say, you've only just gotten onto this. This sounds like Nick Capper. I'm just looking for a philosophy where I don't have to do anything and I'll just believe in that. Is that right? Yeah, exactly.

Because it's the only reason I work is because I find something mundane and then I make it ridiculous. But now I'm like, the world is ridiculous. I've just got to document it. Now, Rick Rubin, of course, the barefoot super producer of everything you've ever heard of in your life. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Beastie Boys.

Yeah, Beastie Boys, Eminem. Johnny Cash, Slayer. I mean, it's just, I love that. That's fantastic. Have you seen that, he's one with Paul McCartney, where they're going through the Beatles songs. Oh, is that good? It's wonderful.

Oh, man. Well, see, look, how do we make this funny? So obviously the world... Not my department. Kappa, you just wait. The universe will provide. No, no, no, no. The world has given me something.

Ed Cavill. Let's just formalise what your life is, though. It's just given like an umbrella. You've been sitting around on your arse doing nothing for 40 years. Yes. And now you've found someone putting that into words and going, that's what I've been doing. It's all been a plan.

But now I'm being more open to it. You're admitting to it. Ed Cavalli and Angelo both come into my house at the same time. I see them on a yearly basis. Now I'm like, okay, what is this? Is it a sitcom? Is it a series? Angelo and Ed.

Oh, this is great. Kappa becoming the rick rubin of comedy just like fat bald big beard living in a beach house in byron but his whole thing is also don't let things get in the way of the song so comedy you know try and get down to the nub of what's funny about it etc etc but that's his whole thing of saying to the chili peppers don't overplay the songs just play them as simply as you possibly can. Take the socks off. Yeah, socks off.

We got it. Okay, cool. That's great, just going like do less, and then it's Keita's approach to songwriting is rigged, biggie, boobity, diggity, doo-doo. Just a few less riggedy, boo-boos, Anthony. Do less. Strip them back.

Do less heroin. Do less music. Well, that's good. Okay, so let's make it simple, right? I get on stage and I'm like, hey, guys. Let's make Nick Capa simple. Yeah. Let's all try.

So, guys, this, my home maintenance guy, he came to my house when I first met, and also I had Ed Cavalli there. Maybe I should just say my friend Ed. I don't want a name drop. Also, it'll be desperately disappointing for the folks when you do. Yeah, I fully agree.

If I was simplifying anything, I'd get rid of the word friend. Cavalli also, a bit of a complicated name. It's annoying. Rick Rubin, it would simplify to Ed Ed everyone's heard of an Ed yeah

in some way Cavalier apparently what we've learnt on the podcast is a tie name but we'll get to that on one episode apparently absolutely

apparently it is most certainly a tie name Cavalier is a tie name most certainly are we going to get to it on this episode is that what's happening we can do it any

I don't know what Rubin would say but we can do it any time but it is most certainly it does sound a... I don't know what Ruben would say, but we can do it any time you like. But it is most certainly... It does sound a bit complicated at this point. I think Rick would say that it's getting in the way of Kappa's maintenance.

Yes, I agree. Quite frankly. I agree. No, but that's good. Well, now, that tie thing, that is another source. Oh, this is great.

This isn't getting annoying for your partner at all. Oh, that's great. This isn't going to get annoying for your partner at all. That's great. See, because I'm going the other way. I want to be more into like, you know, spirituality and holistic kind of approaches. So what's your current philosophy? Well, so, because you texted me, but I was messaging you to do this. You asked me about this because I posted it on Instagram.

That's right. I did ear candling for the first time the other day. Okay. Which I was fascinated Instagram. That's right. I did ear candling for the first time the other day. Okay. Which I was fascinated by. Constant trouble hearing. So talk me through what ear candling does. I don't know what it is. So it's like a thin tube of fabric with wax on it.

A candle. I know what a candle is, yes. Every ear has a birthday. And mine turned one. I thought it literally was... Your ear doesn't look a day over two. I thought it literally was a big candle that you just wedge in there. So it's like a bit of fabric, like gauze kind of stuff with wax on it.

And so I have trouble hearing. AirPods, every time I take them out, they're just caked in shit. So a lot of wax going on in there And so you put the You stick the ear candle tube thing in You set the top of it on fire And then the thinking is That creates a vacuum in the tube That like pulls

Suctions the wax The fire sucks out the wax Yeah Okay Yeah it's creating a little vacuum In that little like tunnel So you're putting wax on your ear But the wax. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's creating a little vacuum in that little tunnel. So you're putting wax in your ear, but the wax takes the other wax out. Yeah.

See, now this is what I thought it was, was you put a candle in there and the wax melts into your ear and attaches to the ear wax. And then you would kind of like pull the whole thing out. Like Homer pulling a crayon out of his brain. I thought, oh, this is going to make me smarter. I thought it might have been a bit like Bugs Bunny putting lipstick on and long hair and all of a sudden Elmer Fudd sort of comes out. It attracts it out.

Oh, it tricks the wax. It's like, that's one of us. It's like a lure. I thought it was all these idiotic things. So I do it and, yeah, my girlfriend's like, do you feel better? I'm like, uh. What? I don't know. How many times did you feel better? I'm like, uh, what? I don't know.

How many times did you do it? I did it once. You did each year. I think you got to keep, I think it's the type of thing that the more you do it, the better it gets. Like heroin. Right. Okay.

Well, I put a pic on Instagram. DMs flooded with people going, you stupid cunt. Oh, really? This is so bad for you. Really? Yeah. People really not into it people really and then i did a bit of research and it's like the yeah i mean some people ride really hard for it but a lot of it is like there's no evidence to like because people go you cut it open and you can see all the wax look at all the wax that's in there and people go yeah that's the

wax from the candle that's like melted inside the ghost so it's gone the way of the earbuds where the earbuds are no good for your ears. Yeah. Your ear can looks no good for your ears. So there's nothing good for your ears. What is good for your ears? If your ears are fucked, that's it. It's funny because when you're in a certain mood or in a certain situation,

some things make sense. Like sticking a candle in your ear. Yeah. Maybe you have, I don't know, a couple of beers deep with a friend. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, two days later later after you've stuck the candle in your ear and got a thousand to the edge

you go this was absolutely fucking ridiculous like when you're having beers with your friend you are open to the source oh yeah I see you were on the source

open to the source I just thought this might be where we were headed the whole experience like it came with a little thing of garlic oil to kind of put in the ear

to loosen up the wax. Oh, no, no, no. So I'm sitting there. This is on you, I reckon. I've got like flame, you know, I can hear because you've got this like little tunnel. You can hear the crinkling of flame in your ear. I'm smelling garlic. It was just an awful experience.

It sounds like an Italian thing, you know. People on Instagram like legitimately angry at me for engaging in this. I think you're Pete Evans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Promoting dubious medical practices. Did he do it? That's too regulation for him. Yeah, it's too regulation.

Child's play to the old Ev Man. You probably have to buy some kind of cochlear. We need a $28,000. Remember his lamp? The $28,000 lamp that had us uh you know programs in it for covid he used a very particular word and the a triple c was like nah that's it oh really yeah sorry bro right oh man well he's like cured of something you don't believe in as well i think yeah that's a toughie that's a tough sell here's one comment i got i hope burning hot wax falls

into your ear canal and scorches your eardrum, you fucking idiot. Nice. People are really angry about the ear candling. No, that seems more Dasolo based. I was going to ask you more about the artist you were going to see because I'd never heard of her. Carly Rae Jepsen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa.

Yeah. Did you go? I went. I went to the Carly Rae Jepsen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Did you go? I went. I went to the Carly Rae Jepsen concert. Call me maybe. She does the one with the guy from 10,000 Fireflies, that one. It's Always a Good Time. She does that one.

We are now talking to a breakfast radio DJ. And then what happens? Does she do any covers? No covers. That's stupid. You've got to come on to Hit W's stupid You've got to You've come on Two Hit Wonders You've got to put some covers in

Yeah Kappa as filler Yes You've got to do it It sounds like It sounds like good timing I would actually put wax in my ears If I was going to see

Carly J reps Generally that was the That was the inspiration Was like I'm going to this concert tonight I'm really excited for it I need to hear the levels I want to clear

Yeah I want to clear out the canals But then I was just there I was like I feel awful Because it does You know It's kind of Fucked your equilibrium a bit

I felt I felt woozy I felt nauseous From the fucking Garlic oil That I'd just been inhaling For like an hour So what else

What else is part of the Jepsen Yeah Sort of canon What else is there She's got Run away with me Talking to yourself

She's got She's like Her Talking To Yourself she's got she's like her last three albums people are like people are like mad into them she hasn't had like big big hits

off them but they're like songs on there oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah oh really people went berserk when she came out

it was awesome people are kind of getting off over irony now they're like yeah you don't really get Carly Rae Jefferson. You know what I mean? I never thought anyone would say that.

What? What's her fucking name? Get him in here, Candle. Carly Rae Jefferson. Carly Rae Jefferson. Excellent. Jefferson Airplane. Yeah, yeah.

Is she? Was she in Jefferson? Was it Carly Rae Jefferson? Did you get two out of three names Yeah you got two out of three That's good Not bad Oh right okay It was cool

I think I might have been The only straight man there It was pretty cool It was very like Lots of very glammed up people I was like this is a classy crowd This is cool And then it's like

Before the show starts You just hear this audience Of Australians going Carly Carly Carly Carly Oh man How good Carly, Carly. Oh, man, how good is Australia?

So good. Cappy, you've just been in Adelaide. We've been in Adelaide as well. We did a show last week in Adelaide, but you've done, what, a week or two? I did two weeks. Yeah, well, I did one week of my show, and then the other week I just got pissed and walked around Adelaide for a week. That's the source for you.

Yeah, that was the source. How weak of that? Yeah, just eating at nice restaurants with my partner. We love Adelaide. Love it. But you weren't performing? No, I performed sometimes, but not really. I thought I had a heap of gigs booked,

but it turns out I didn't have that many gigs. Now this is it. This is what I'm getting to. That's good instinct, Zig. You keep digging. What the hell? You'll find the earwax. Also, that didn't – usually I am scrambling because I do love –

but then the place I was staying there was like, I don't know, 25 minutes out of the city. Okay. So sometimes I just couldn't be bothered. I was like, I could ask that guy for a gig. You were staying with some people who live just out of the city. Very nice property. They're like on the out of the city. Very nice property. They're on the edge of the city.

They're basically the country. They were telling me it's beautiful and pristine out there. And then one of them got up to go to work to get the bus into the city. And they're like, it's so beautiful. And I could tell Nick got the bus into town last night because there was just a fucking empty beer can left by the bus stop. It was like Cap has been here and just thrown his trash around, just ruining the serenity of this picturesque city.

This is what I heard that you had a week to play with before you started your show. Yeah, I had a week before as well. Yeah, you got there a week early and you were bragging because you won something over there. You went to an open mic. You, as a professional stand-up up comedian went to an open mic competition and thrashed all the amateurs

and won yourself a hundred dollars you beat all the first timers it was yeah such a terrible experience but it was kind of

good as well this is excellent this is what I'm after alright hang on so you rock up so you knew it was an open mic night

Tiger Woods is off the ladies tees down at the Moorabbin so you knew it was an open mic night Tiger Woods is off the ladies' tees Down at the Moorabbin So you knew So you knew it was out I can just see Ed's brain Kind of His gears ticking

You don't have to worry about Factoring in song breaks Into this story We can just We can just go for it At some point I will have to throw To Carly Rae Jepsen's new one

Alright so you rock up Yeah Okay And you know it's an open mic night Yeah well this is what's happened right Okay A guy messaged me And he said Nick would you Did you know this guy How. And you know it's an open mic night? Yeah, well, this is what's happened, right? Okay. A guy messaged me and he said, Nick, would you like... Did you know this guy?

How well did you know Seth? I did not know him. I've never met him before. Okay. He was a Northern Territory comic. Great. Okay, yep. And he said, Nick, I'm running a variety show.

Would you like to come? And he uses the term variety show, not open mic night. No, he just said, you know, like a variety show. Yeah. Okay. He uses the term variety show, not open mic night. No, he just said, you know, like a variety show. Yeah.

Okay. Then I was saying that the morning of the show, he messages me the lineup, like a bunch of us lineup, and he goes, hey, each of you get $20, but the winner gets $100. And I was like, oh, I guess he wants me to go into it But This is Because you scanned the names

And thought I don't know anyone on this list I don't know anyone on this list Fantastic But at this point It's a guaranteed 20 Just for rocking up Yes Okay

And I thought This is going to be bad either way Either They're going to blitz me Like they're going to absolutely blitz me Yeah And I'm the most experienced guy there Well it's like And I'm going to blitz me. Like, they're going to absolutely blitz me. Yeah. And I'm the most experienced guy there.

And I'm going to feel like shit. Yeah, Ed, can Barcelona do it on a wet Tuesday night in Stoke? And that's where they often slip up. Yes, okay. Or I'm going to blitz them, and I'm going to feel really bad about this. You're a fight track bully. I'm going to feel awful. All right. And do you know how this is being,

is this audience vote or is this the guy running it? Is just like what he decides? Oh yeah, it was crowd. Clappometer? Clappometer? Yeah, it was like a crowd yell, you know, yeah thing.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure. Okay, you rock up. So I rock up. It's 11 o'clock at night. What? Yeah.

There's a competition at 11 o'clock at night. So it starts at 11. Yes. And where were you in the list? In the lineup, where were you? Did you want to come to Pius Hawthorne? I was late. What time did I meet you at 11?

I was late in the show. So you weren't closing, but you were later in the lineup. Yes. So he knows that. This bloke knows that. And he's got a ringer coming in. But he's like, it's obvious if I put him last, because that would be the traditional headliner spot when am i on tomorrow so we slipped you in third last yeah something like that yeah okay all right here we go yeah yeah so uh i i'd

got on the the night before i'd done a big show here in Melbourne, and then I jumped on a plane at five in the morning, flew to Adelaide, was hoping to get a nap in. I got drunk with David Quirk the night before. And then I was hoping to get a nap, and I couldn't. I'd love to know what Rick Rubin makes of all this, just so far. So far, he would love this. Also, hoping to get a nap in, but had no time. I mean, I got on a plane at 5 a, got to Adelaide at 5.35 apparently,

but couldn't fit a nap in? Yeah, I got to... And then your gig wasn't until 11 o'clock at night? What were you doing between the hours of 5.30am and 11pm where you couldn't fit in a nap? It's like Shakespeare's Lost Years. Guys, I've only got 19 hours until the gig. And I'm Nick Capa, a very hard working man i'm worried about i'm losing train so i was very excited very excited to get to adelaide

and brett and i had our brew dude show on at five you know so okay so there's a show okay okay okay i'm preparing all the beers i'm putting them on ice and then also I was excited to see my friends and I was hoping he'd get a nap in but then I was like let's go let's go have breakfast and I'm

I'm caught up in the whirlwind of Adelaide and by now it's 6.30am the day's almost done the sun's basically

gone down sun's up yeah the sun is to the horizon. It's nearly bedtime. I've been awake for an hour. I guess I might as well stay up at this point. I got there around 7 or 8, okay?

It's only two hours till breakfast. I guess I'm up all day now. Okay, so let's just jump ahead. I'm pulling an all-dayer. There's no way of knowing what took during... I've got insomnia. It's 7 a.m. and I'm still not asleep. So there's no way of knowing what took place during this whirlwind of a day.

Let's park that. Let's just park the day. Yes. Because we'll never get through it. So then I get to the gig at 11. So you rock up. It is now 11 o'clock. You haven't got this nap in.

And it's 11pm and you rock up. Well, I should add this detail. Why are you racing us through this story? What are you trying to get a nap in after this? I'm excited. I'm excited. I did another show before that. He couldn't fit in a nap, but he got a deep sleep in there somewhere, though.

I really wanted to go home, but I got... I managed to get a coma in. Man, I did. I nearly got kicked out of the pub because I got there at like 10.30. By the way, also, you floated around like, don't you gain another half hour Yes Alright so it's 10.30 You've had breakfast

Yeah And you're in the pub It's 10.30am And what happened? No 10.30pm 10.30pm Okay what happened? So you're half an hour early

And then I nearly get kicked out Because I fall asleep at the Could have had a nap At the desk Hang on Get to the pub Then you have your nap You fall asleep at the pub

And you fall asleep at the pub No you don't Yeah You have a nap. By the way, a nap's not for 10.30 p.m. That's going to sleep. That's not a nap. That's bedtime.

That's bedtime, brother. So you fell asleep at the pub. Who woke you up? The security guard guy's like, mate, you're going to have to get out. Bad look. Because it was kind of a dodgy pub. And it's 10.30 p.m.

Did you explain? I've been on a long-haul flight. I'm in from Melbourne. The fancy pubs, they let you fall asleep in there. It's kind of a dodgy pub. Yeah. And it's 10.30pm. Did you explain I've been on a long-haul flight? Yeah, yeah. I'm in from Melbourne. The fancy pubs, they let you fall asleep in there. Yeah. Siglo, they've got a little corner with beanbags and pillows. He goes, all right, mate.

I've got jet lag. I needed a nap. So you go, nah, man. I'm in the show. I'm in the show. Gotcha. And he's like, show? He didn't know that there was a show on.

Yep. Good time for the show, by the way. Is there another level or anywhere? Is there? Oh, he's like, show? He didn't know that there was a show on. Yeah, good sign of a show, by the way. Is there another level or anywhere? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the gig upstairs, right? And you guys know me. Quite a jovial guy. Absolutely.

I love talking to everybody or whatever. Rocked up to this gig looking grumpy as hell. Like, I am so tired. I've never met these guys before. Anyway, they all seem pretty nice guys. Any of them, now I'm not, this is not being weird or anything, because they are aspiring comics. Yes.

You're a well-known, fantastic comedian. Was there any of them sort of going, twigging, going, hang on, I believe that could be someone. We're in trouble here. That looks like. We're in a bit of strife here. That looks like Nick Capper, but a bit too tired. Maybe it's someone else. Yeah, exactly.

And I thought, no, they were all quite, a guy got a photo with me. Okay. Before the gig. One of the comics, yeah. So he knows what's up. Yeah, yeah. And what's their general attitude to now professional comedian Nick Capa rocking up to this, you know, 11 p.m., $20 open mic gig?

They were pretty cool with it, but then the guy, what annoyed me is... This is like the open mic sting. This is Minnesota Fats over here. I don't think many of them knew who I was. I think they were just happy that I was there. This is a big opportunity for them, so presumably they were all very well rested. They've had their eight hours last night. Oh man, I felt so sorry for this guy because the mc was such a nice dude and he goes and you know your comedy clubs are like there's nowhere fucking comfortable to sit

yeah usually sitting on some stool up the back or standing way up the back and there was a like a decent crowd in there yep which i couldn't believe and i uh it was 11 at night and so he goes mate the show is starting do you want to come in like do you want to come in and believe, and I was 11 at night. And so he goes, mate, the show is starting. Do you want to come in? Like, do you want to come in and watch this? And I was like, oh, no, man, I'm just going to sit here. It just looked like an absolute diva. You're just sitting on the floor?

Yeah, just look at, no, there was a nice chair out the front. A nice chair? That I was sitting in, yeah, yeah. A nice chair. And then I was going to fall asleep again. Yeah, of course, you're in a nice chair. So I thought maybe if I sculled two waters. Should have got that napkin. Yeah, yeah. Two waters. sleep again yeah of course you're in a nice chair so i thought maybe if i sculled two waters

yeah yeah two waters so maybe if i sculled two big waters and therefore i have to kind of go to the toilet love it then i won't fall asleep smart no one's ever pissed the bed i get it yep and i'm like you know what i look like a prick not going in there watching all these guys i should go so i went in there the crowd were hot yep they were great it was awesome all right great and the comics they were really killing it okay like i thought i actually was very very in trouble yeah right okay it's a hotbed it's a hotbed kappa is a dead man right and uh yeah then i got on there and yeah, it went. Let me just say the hotbed really heated up. Okay, that old saying.

And so then, at the end of the day, it's now 2 a.m. the next day, still no nap, and what happens? Well, that's it. So the funny thing is, right, I'm like, look, I went from like, I've probably got this in the bag to then seeing they were good and I was like, oh, my God, I'm like, look, I went from like, I've probably got this in the bag to then seeing they were good and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so nervous. And can I ask, you said it's a variety night. Is it just stand-ups on or is there like fire twirlers and is there other stuff?

Well, that's what I'll get to at the end. Oh, sorry. But however, there was this awesome dude, this Northern Territory comic, this guy, and he sung. He was an Aboriginal guy, and he was talking about this Aboriginal meal that you eat, like with rice or something. But it was a parody song to Gangster's Paradise. Fantastic.

And it was so good. And he did this little dance, like in between each thing. And it was so good. And he did this little dance like in between each thing and it was fucking awesome. And you know like a parody song? Yeah. You go for one verse, you get to the chorus.

And you're out. It was very clever. Yeah. It's done well. He did all three like Wow. And it was sick. Yeah, it was awesome.

Wow. And he did the end like, you know, So he did both parts. He did all of it, man. Yeah, yeah. And he did the end like, you know. Why? So he did both parts. He did all of it, man. I love it. I think there's Michael, the guy who sings on that. I think the gospel singer's name is Michael.

And then Coolio, obviously, with the other bits. Keep going, yes? Man, so it was sick. And this is after you. No, no, no, before me. Okay. Follow this. You've got to follow a parody song.

Man, it was incredible. Okay. He was killing it. Wow, great. But you're thinking that hotbed's about to heat up. Oh, no. Man, it was incredible. Okay. He was killing it. Wow, great. But you're thinking that hotbed's about to heat up. Yeah, yeah. That's what my mother

always used to say. There was this Indian guy who had this great catchphrase. And then you get on there with your parody of David Strassman. Yeah. Absolutely killed it.

So then he's finished. You get on there with your parody of comedy. So he's killing it. Then who's next? It's only his parody of Captain Snooze. There was an Indian guy

Who talked about Indian dicks How they're the best Wow This is good stuff Hang on It's such a shame That we already know That you've somehow won

I know I know No no no I know But they were actually really They were fucking good comics So it was good jokes That was good stuff

So now you're thinking Hang on The MC was great as well And I was shaking There was a few other people that were good. I forget them. Wait, you think the MC was part of the comp? Yeah.

Boy, this guy's really good. He's whipping them. He's already getting them to clap. He's cheating. He did have good jokes, though. You know what I mean? He knows all his competition as well. This is not fair

so so then so then how were you introduced yeah so yeah this is the way I'm introduced right

because I've got to come to grips I've got to come to grips that I'm fucking 40 right I knew it introducing comedy legend Nick Capa

legend comedy legend that is not helping you stal legend That is not helping you Stalwart That is not helping you There's a guy here who's been around forever Who's like an older club comic Who I think it's Dave Thornton

Has a story about introducing him at a club He's emceeing for him He's like please welcome a stalwart Of the Melbourne comedy scene Says the guy's name And as he walks out He just like shakes hands with Thornton And into his ear goes

If you ever call me a stalwart again i'll fucking kill you wow that's awesome because it is it's like it's up there with legend it's like it's sort of vaguely stalwart means been around forever has never made it been around forever not famous yeah and it's like thornton's trying to like pump the crowd up it's like hey you're about to see someone who knows what they're doing i've done the same thing where an mc that we know has done that where they've introduced someone as a stalwart and then come off and I go, mate, never call someone a stalwart. And they go, why?

And I go, for starters, it's got the word wart in it. It's not positive. That's good. So here he goes. Here comes comedy legend at this variety open mic night. In comparison to what you've seen at Comedy Legend. Podcasting stalwart Nick Cappo. Yeah, exactly.

Shit. But, you know, we've all done it. We've all introduced someone as a legend or given them too much time. You know what I mean? Also, yeah, it is weird. Maybe they thought you were a legend because you looked quite older

because, you know, you didn't have enough sleep at the time. You were napless. Yeah, yeah. So you looked like you'd been have enough sleep at the time. You were napless. Yeah, yeah. So you looked like you'd been around for longer than one year. Oh, man. I was 80. Yeah. I saundered onto there.

Like, I was barely walking up to the stage. Yeah. And I thought, well, I'll just do the first joke, right? Yep. Did the first bit. Good plan. And it went off. And I'm like, I get a little bit more energy.

Here we go. And now the- The waters are kicking in. He's waking up. That bladder's activated. The waters are kicking in. I can feel that line, baby. So then the next joke, let's go through every single one.

So the second joke, how did that go in comparison to the first one? And what are you doing? Are you doing like rolled gold? Are you trying some new for the show that you're about to do what are you you want the hundred bucks at this point don't you it's a matter of pride now

isn't it after you've seen the guy kill with gangsters paradise and the Indian dick stuff gone off better bring out the big guns you're thinking what have I got

that's it no no I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking of I'm thinking of how am I going to get through this and also

if I do win what do I do then? Do I take the money? Do I like, you know, I'm thinking, oh, no. And then I was thinking, what if I don't win? Yes. But I was like, oh, that's a pretty funny story, you know, because they're all real good comics. But then it kind of gave me, the night before, like I don't want to brag,

but I only had seven minutes to open for Doug Stanhope. Great. So usually at our level, you know, you get 10 minutes, 15 minutes. So what I did was I edited it, edited it, edited it, and I just had this absolute barrage of like a machine gun. Like anyone else in comedy would do. Get rid of the stuff that's not funny and keep the stuff that is funny. Yeah, exactly.

It's weird. You did your job properly. I finally worked it out. You are a comedy legend after all. And so, all right, so the barrage has started. And the first one's got them right. It's like JFK. The first one's got them in the back.

And here comes Nick from the grassy knoll. Next one's through the throat. Your wife's jumped off the stage at this point. Grabbing skull. She's grabbing skull. I saw an Indian dick the other day. Yeah, and then they have the stage at this point. Grabbing skull. She's grabbing skull. Saw it in the Indy and Dick the other day. Yeah. And then they have the second and third go.

Second and third go good. And it's like, it's pumping me up. And then all of a sudden, rather than like, you know what? I should just do the material. I'm still working out for the show. No way. And I was like, nah. No.

I mean, I was fucking. You want those two pineapples? There was blood in my eyes Yeah The scene in the hospital Where the machine's like And then it's like You know the person in the room

Starts crying over the dead And it's like He's back He's revived It's a miracle He's been revived The pedals are on the body Yeah

And so now you're up And you're flying And now I'm going harder And harder And I'm just adding more stuff in And someone made it sound And you can see Gangster's Paradise Man going far. I know this is like the biggest hack in storytelling premise,

and you hear it in anything else and you hate it, but if the end of this is it was all a dream, and Kappa's... This is like the one time where I'd accept it. Kappa's asleep in front of the pub. No, Kappa's still on the Jetstar flight. Mr. Kappa, Mr. Kappa, wake up.

Here's your peanuts you ordered. This is the one time I'd accept it. My partner wakes me up and I'm just like, oh, baby, I had a dream that I opened for Doug Stanhope. And then I won a comedy competition and I flew to Adelaide. There's an Aboriginal guy who did a parody song.

I got some free water. It was the best stream ever So We're back in the barrage So they're wearing it They're wearing all the Digging and they're Mowing them down And then someone

Kind of heckled me or something Because it was like An American And then I fucking Destroyed them They went off It went harder It was the best crowd work

I've ever done You know Just all the timing comes in And then just ended Yeah On the big one That I know is gonna. You know, just all the timing comes in and then just ended, yeah, on the big one that I know is going to go good and just basically,

yeah, just ruined the place. Yeah, protected your legendary status. And then, so how was it then, so you get backstaged you,

then the other comics see you? What happens after? So then, so I walk to the back of the room and I'm, I'm beaming, but also I'm feeling really bad. Yeah, it's not feeling.

I'm not feeling good. But they're nice and I thought, well, you know, and then there's this girl, she's like a drag king, kind of gets up and she's got her piano. Wowzers. And she's the last act. Okay, great. Oh, because they don't have to push the piano off.

Yeah, she's a really nice girl. I kind of became friends with her after that. You know, you just get your kind of fringe friends. Yep, this is the point where you needed to edit the seven minutes out of the 15-minute bit. No, I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying this. Calm down.

I'm enjoying this. This is like Café Del Mar. I want to hear about Capa cheating on his fiancée with a woman dressed up like a man. She plugs a piano in and look, this has nothing to do with her. This has to do with the booking

of the variety show. Sure. Absolutely. So they've got her on last. She takes ages to plug a piano in and then the piano you can kind of hear and then she's like,

okay, I'm doing a show it's like a disney show um anyway here's a song about the clitoris and she does a song about the the clitoris and all the nerve she's pulled out the big one to try and top you and this really is a diverse show yeah indigenous yes india yes drag yes and which special needs and which rap Indigenous. Yes. Indian. Yes. Drag. Yes. Special needs. Which rap song was it to the tune of? No, no, no. It was an original. An original.

In the style of Disney. And it was a really good song. I was loving it. You learn it a lot. However, at the same time. Yeah, but at 1am you need the parody song. You don't want to be pulling out something you've never heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All this clitoris talk is giving you a waking wet dream. Yeah, so the clitoris song's going. And it's going, but, you know, yeah. After the fuck around with the piano, you can't really hear a sound. I was actually standing up going, oh, bloody hell, I've got this in the back. People are like, we don't care where the clitoris is, we want to know where that last guy is.

Bring him back out. Pull back the flaps and show us here. And then? No, no, it's more like, we found the clitoris. Here's the cum. Good Lord. And then the MC goes, all right, we're going to judge by the claps. Who's going to do it?

Clap-o-meter. Okay, what do you think of this person? What do you think of this person? What do you think of this person? And it all sounded the same the first three times. Okay. And he's like,

I'm not going to win here. He's like, okay, look, let's just all agree that a hundred bucks goes to Nick Kappa. Oh, really? Gave up on the clap-o-meter

halfway through. Really? Fantastic. Did Gangster's Paradise get a clap-o-meter or was he already deemed over by the time they got to him?

No, no, no, no. He got a good clap. Okay, so he was part of clapper meter. He did this little dance that was incredible. I love the sound of this dance. Did you not even get

you didn't even get to hear your own clap? Yeah, I wanted to hear the clap. Yeah, no really. It made a difference. You didn't hear your clap. And what did you do

with the money? So did you get up on stage? I walked up to like say like Everyone was great. I was kind of You got up and gave a speech. No, no, no. I walked up to say oh thanks for the gig and kind of you can't give a speech no no no I walked up to

to say oh thanks for the gig and kind of get out of there yeah before I could get the money and do they have did you get presented like two pineapples on stage

like two fifties or what how is there a presentation they brought us all on stage to say hi or whatever right you know

and then after that the bloke just walked up like charged over to me and fucking gave me the hundred100 straight away before I could – I went to shake his hand to say thanks, man. I was really hoping it was going to be a novelty check. Put it in there.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that would have been sick. And then you said, okay, thanks, man. I said, oh, thanks, mate. And then I was like, you know, we're all there. And I was like, oh, hey, you know, tried to say, like to say like hey guys we can split it up whatever but then halfway through i was about to about to say that i was like all of these people are amateur comics they all work full-time yeah if i offer them 20 more dollars yeah it is such a

fucking insult yeah they're like it's so weird because comedy legend Mick Capper needs the money so much more than anybody starting out in comedy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Come on. And I thought, well, you know what? I'll give it to a charity or something. You know?

Like, that's what I'll do. But then the- That's what the MC said to you. Yeah. So then what'd you do with it? Well, the cab ride home was 50 bucks. Because I fell asleep. Wow. So then what did you do with it? Well, the cab ride home was $50. Because I fell asleep.

Wow. What if you hadn't won? Oh, wow. Do you accept novelty check? Hang on. But if you hadn't won... It was hard to get in the back. I just had to fold it up. You would have been $30 in the hole if you hadn't won.

Yeah. Man, because my phone went flat. And an Uber would have been $ in the hole if you hadn't won. Yeah. Man, oh, because my phone went flat and an Uber would have been $21. Oh my God. But this taxi driver shafted me and he charged me $50. Fuck. That is great. He came from the gig. He's seen you on stage. He's been like, this guy's flush with cash.

This guy's a legend. He can afford it. Wonderful. Man, it was so funny. And also just to backtrack as well, this is night one for you in Adelaide. Yes. This is the kickoff of the tour. So you wouldn't believe it, right? The highs and lows of comedy.

Hang on, what do you think that was? Well, the night before, I performed to 900 people. Then I do that gig. How much did that pay? Yeah, about the same, $150. It was $50 more to perform for 900 people. Yeah. Then I do that gig. How much did that pay? Yeah, about the same, 150 bucks. It was 50 bucks more to perform for 900 people.

God. What a great industry. Yeah. Who needs a union, honestly? Then I walk out of that, I walk out of the comedy competition at like one in the morning with mixed feelings.

Ed, the look on Ed's face. He can't believe it. Coming from a guy who just does breakfast radio, who earns breakfast radio money, to listen to this, to go, Kappa, you should get into bartending or something. Ed looks like one of those clowns at the circus. He is wide-eyed with his mouth open.

I've never seen Ed speechless before. I just want to put a ping-pong ball in his mouth. Well, that might have won the cabaret. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Well, get this over and finished, right? I walk out of this gig at one in the morning and I run in...

You did the MCG the next night for $75. Yeah. Open bench. We get it. You did the MCG the next night for $75. Okay. Open for Ed Sheeran. Okay. He did that bird song about the clitoris. Ed Sheeran, that was $180. That was... Cash.

Cash. That was 100,000 more people. You don't have to pay any tax on it, so it balances out. One cent per 100 more people. Hang on, it was Uber peak, so it did cost him 200 bucks to get home, but still. A lot of people leaving the gig. What happened after that? Especially after camera.

I walk out and I run into Will Anderson. Is he buying the pub? The biggest comic. What? The biggest comic in the world. Two teasing upon, eh, Will? Yeah, in Australia. What did he say?

He's like, hey, mate, how you going? Good? Are you having a good friend to run? Tell me you told him what you'd just done. And I told him what I'd just done, and he folded with laughter. Because he goes like this. I go, I told him the story. I said, man, I just did this comedy competition.

I didn't really know it was going to be a competition until the day before. And he goes, I said, I could kill it and not feel too good about that. Or they were going to blitz me. And he goes, and what happened? I go, I blitzed him. And then he just folded. He was gasping for air at one in the morning. He had a big bag of chips in his hand.

I don't reckon I've ever felt this sorry for someone who's won something before. Commonwealth Games bronze. Holy moly. Eddie the eel of comedy. So that's like... That's the source right there, baby. That is the source. So funny. So thoughts right there baby that is the source so funny

so you get recognised that's the source baby you perform for nine or a pair you win a comedy competition at one in the morning and then you get recognised by one of Australia's biggest comics

and then you tell a story about it and then you get fleeced by a cabbie that's amazing yeah they get fleeced by a cabbie I've heard this many times

there's been guests that come on this show that go you know what before I started comedy I used to really listen to your podcast and you know I was inspired started comedy I used to really listen to your podcast and you know I was inspired

and whatever I would like to say to anyone out there listening to this right now turn back now this should be your demonstration yes

if COVID got in the way of your plans to start Open Mic let that be a sign from the universe become spiritual if that's what that is the source

well done Kappa well man the events that took place in between that Become spiritual If that's what That is the source Well done Kappa Well man God damn The events that took place In between that Is still pretty wild as well What the lost hours You're saying from the flight

Till that Yeah yeah Well Because There's a fan of this podcast And you know I like talking to the people And stuff

Adam Really nice guy You are too nice To fans of this podcast In that I often tell you And, you know, I like talking to the people and stuff. Adam, really nice guy. You are too nice to fans of this podcast in that I often tell you, stop being so nice to them because then they expect more out of you. Yeah, I know, but anyway. But to be fair, with you, I think you expect more out of them because all of a sudden I hear about you crashing on their couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you slept on the couch of a podcast fan? Yeah, I stayed two weeks with... Two weeks. Two weeks. Comedy legend. Two weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're friends now.

We're all friends. But did they know how long the stint was? Did they sign up for the two weeks? Yes, they signed up for the two weeks. And where were you sleeping? Another warning out there for listeners of the podcast, don't get into stand-up. Yeah.

Don't get to know Nick Capa. Well, but, you know, Will's listened for a long time, and his place would have been pretty big, so I'm sure Capa wasn't really in the way at all. His couch is bigger than Capa's house, to be fair. Will's a shitty fan. He had one of those huge packets of chips, didn't offer me one.

Oh. I obviously needed the energy. Why did you get a hundred bucks buying those huge packets of chips, didn't offer me one. Oh. I obviously needed the energy. Why do you got a hundred bucks buying those fucking bag of chips? You've still got 50 left. Yeah, Will hasn't won any competitions that night. Also, that's kind of deflating as well, because Will, as I said before,

one of the biggest comics in Australia, you see him walking down Adelaide at two in the morning holding one of those, not like a small bag of fucking Sam Boy chips, but a big one. Yeah. He's just walking down the street with one.

For a party. That's 1am. That's psychotic. That's what people have. They can afford big chips when you have a job. That's how things work. Just get a little bag. And if you feel like more, get a, like, you know, when they've got the big bag.

Cappy, you haven't slept for 24 hours at this point in the story. I reckon you've just hallucinated. You thought he was flossing a bit, did you? You thought it was a bit, look at me, with this giant bag. No, I just thought it was weird. A bit la-di-da-da, the big bag of sandballs. It's amazing. Oh, man, he's up himself.

We've just listened to your insane life decisions for half an hour and your criticism of someone else that's got a TV show is your chips are too big. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's like sitting on the couch size and then you roll them up at the top. And you're like, how about you fucking grew and transfer me one of those. Yeah. There you go.

No, I love it. I love the walk and chill. Really? It's a great move. Yeah. Man, that's like a 90s move. No one does that anymore. He's tall though too.

Like he's, you know, he's a big person. No one walks around with chips anymore. That's a 90s move. No one does that anymore. He's tall, though, too. He's a big person. No one walks around with chips anymore. That's a 90s thing. Yeah, only junkies and, you know. What? A 90s thing. So you think the fear of the Y2K, it wasn't like the bug breaking all the computers.

It was like once New Year's Eve hits 1999, no more chips in the street for me. That's the spider bait of Egypt. You'd have a bag of twisties and stuff like that walking around the streets. Perfectly acceptable. Now it's more of an

inside job, I reckon. People are eating them more inside. You've just copped it for 40 minutes and you just scramble to get it back. He's got me intrigued,

though. What was it about the... It's like white dog turds. You don't see them anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I feel like you're yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I feel like you're trying to win a competition. I'm enjoying it.

Yeah, yeah. Masses. No, but before that, right, I think Adam, he's a... So we did the Brew Dude show at five. Yep. Oh, this is the missing hours. Yeah, the missing hours. Right, right. And then this guy, Adam, I've talked to him a few times.

6.30 and... Breakfast. You forgot breakfast. Oh, sorry. Breakfast has happened. Yes. Yep. And yeah, so...

Big bag of chips for breakfast. After the show, Adam goes... 6.30, about 6.30 at this point? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've got to go to another show, so... Oh, in between that. Before the comp.

Before the comp. Before the comp. I did comp. Before the comp. I did two shows before the comp. So it went Brew Dudes, two shows, comp. Yes. Okay, okay, okay. I love the timeline of this retailer. Also, what I like is that he's done three shows

and then gone to the open mic comp. I reckon I know what he got paid best for out of those four shows. I reckon it's the open mic comp. Yes, yes. There was, yeah, the other shows, they equaled to the value of the open mic comp. Great, great, great. Now, Ed went from like an astonishment for he's got full depression now.

Yeah, the mouth is closed. Yeah. Ed, I do, there is a way you can help me out that we'll talk to, I'll talk to you about after this. I know you can make money. Yeah, okay. I absolutely do know how you can make money. If you can think of a better way to earn $250

that doesn't involve travelling between two different states and being awake for 24 straight hours and hanging around at each of those venues for three hours total to be on stage for seven minutes, then I'd like to hear it. Yeah, listen. He wouldn't have even made that much money if you'd taken a nap. You've got to stay awake to earn that much money.

That is so true. Money never sleeps. Yes. Money never sleeps, Kappa. That's a fair point. Yep. The wolf of Rundle Street. That's excellent.

Now, here's Carly Rae Jepsen What a good time Yeah so I go Adam I say Great to see you Adam haven't seen you

For a few years We're still going Yeah where are we now Sorry Post Boo Deeds Who are we talking to Adam who He's a fan of the podcast

He's a fan of my podcast Okay And I've hung I've hung out with him before Yep Met his wife Who are we talking to? Adam who? He's a fan of the podcast. He's a fan of my podcast. Okay. And I've hung out with him before. Yep. I met his wife. And anyway, I think he's around 45 or 46. Take a stab, yep. Anyway, he goes...

I hope this comes up later in the story. I go, mate, I've got to go to another gig. And he goes, do you mind if I come along? I said, yeah, I'll sneak you up the back of this variety show. Okay, so hang on. We're going Pulp Fiction now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've already seen the gig and now we're going back.

No, no, no. This is like a split. So now we're going to see the gig from Adam's perspective. The 1031 I went to by myself. Oh, okay. Is this 30 short films about Nick Capitano? So? So I went, I did the gig with him and he buys a few beers and we're having a few beers and

he's already had a few beers in the show, right? And then he goes, do you want to come see this band, this punk band at the Crown and Anchor? I said, of course, I would love to, Adam. Is this before the open mic gig or after? Yes, before. Before, okay. So we've done the two gigs and now there's a window where we're going to see a punk band before Is this before the open mic gig or after? Yes, before. Before, okay. So we've done the two gigs,

and now there's a window where we're going to see a punk band before we go to the open mic. No, there's still one more gig at 10 o'clock. So we've got Brew Dudes gig, now we're going to go punk band, then gig, then open mic, then Will Anderson and his chips. Yes, exactly.

Does time function differently in Adelaide? I feel like we've been talking about this day longer than the day we're going. Okay, so gig's over. Come on, Adam. Let's go see this punk band. Yes. Let's grab a couple of drinks before the punk band. I figured that.

And I see Adam. He's kind of stumbling a bit more and more. And he seems a bit more distant. And we get a beer. Are we at the band now? Are we at the band? No I said Are we at the band? No we're just Just before the band

So we're at the venue For the band At the venue For the band What is the band's name? Wilhelm Scream Oh yeah Which is the

Can you please put it in? I know I'm annoying But you know In every Yeah Yeah yeah That one But what?

What? So every movie That one scream That's in every film ever Is called the Wilhelm Scream Oh I don't know You've never heard this No

I'll play it Yeah and there's a great documentary About it It's the third take It's from 1920 And they're 20, 25 And they need things For the talkies

They need sound effects So they get this guy to scream And you hear him going Through different screams Yeah And then he does this one And even as you hear it For the first time

You go that's the one And it's been around For 70 years And that guy's name's Wilhelm I'm assuming uh yes yes maybe the project was can't remember for god's sakes I'm trying to find just like a clean yeah oh yeah yeah I'll drop it in I'll drop it yeah I want to hear it I want to hear it I can't believe it's not just ready. Oh, here we go. Okay. Here we go. I've never heard that before. Yes, you have.

Really? Yes, you have. You've heard it in every movie. Anything. Yeah, it's big like 90s action. Like anytime someone dies, it's like the same. Everything. It's in every... I heard it.

You hear it all the time. Now you've heard it, you'll hear it all the time. Is that the Tom Tom Club? Meaning of Love? Genius of Love. Genius of Love. Yeah. Dent Dent It.

The most sampled song of all time. Anyway. Really? Anyway. Oh, man. I didn't know that. The most sampled song of all time. Anyway. Really? Anyway. Oh, man, I didn't know that. Anyway, so, yeah, he... Can you drop that in? Yeah.

We're having a drink out the front, and I see he's swaying a bit, and then I go to him, he goes, I said, oh, yeah, I want to have kids, and he goes, yeah, I want to have... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, now can we do the Wilhelm scream now? Okay. And we're back. And he's like a punk guy.

He's a bit older. He's got tattoos all over him. And I go, oh man, that's surprising. I thought you wouldn't be the kind of guy to have kids. I thought you'd be going to punk concerts and stuff. And then he just goes, you don't fucking know me. Oh no. You don't know how old I am

Well at that point of the night Right Okay And I'm like Oh hang on Adam's a bit pissed So I'm I'm fucking

Yeah I'm backpedaling I'm like Ah it's cool man Don't worry about it And he goes I'm gonna go to the toilet And he goes to the toilet

And he's gone for fucking so long Right He's gone for so long. You've done two competitions since then. Then he walks out and I go, Adam, Adam. And he looks like he's looking for me. Then he just looks at me and walks straight past me. Like he doesn't recognize me.

Yeah. A legend of comedy. Yeah, he doesn't recognize me. Adam, Adam. And then I was following him and realised oh my god, he is out of his mind. Absolutely blind. Yeah. Absolutely

blind. How long had he been in the toilet for roughly? I reckon like 10, 15 minutes. Okay. You know what I'm thinking he did in there? What? A little nap. A little nap? The gall. Open for Doug Stanhope. Okay, so. What did he open for?

And then so I'm like, fuck. And then he walks up to the desk where the lady is. And she's writing something down. And then he walks up and he goes, Kappa. Like he hadn't seen me. He goes, I got your name on the door for the band. And I'm like, well, that's good. He finally recognized me. And then I just left him at the gig. And I'm like, well, that's good. He finally recognized me.

And then I just left him at the gig. You ghosted him? Yeah, I ghosted him. I was like, this guy is off his chops. Yeah, I got more warm-ups to do before the comedy comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I went to a PowerPoint-based comedy show and bombed so bad. Like the worst bomb ever.

Did you have a PowerPoint presentation? Yeah, yeah. You've got to send them the file of slides. Right. And a lot of the slides I have are, they're funny, but they're quite racist. Indian dicks. We need to get back to the point, again,

where you learn how to trim your story and how to take bits out. Every time I hear more, I'm happier. It's like a Carly Rae Jepsen concert. Each track is better than the last. Deep cuts. They're all great. You knew two of them, but you come along and you go, no, I like more of them now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this is what I want to ask you, Ed. How much time we got? We got any more time? Of course. This is great. For you, Kappa, anything. I couldn't care less about time. Your wife is a personal trainer, right? Yeah. I Of course This is great For you Kappa Anything I am not

I couldn't care less about time Your wife is a personal trainer right Yeah TXO Life Tiffany Hall Yep Yeah now I got

I got my wedding in August And I want to get jacked For my wedding Right I want to get jacked You honestly want to get jacked Yeah I want to get jacked

We can do that How many Doug Stanhope openings Will I have to do To afford a session? For you, my friend, on the house. But why did you jump to that? There was something else you were talking about. The racist slides.

Or were you leading to that question? Oh, yeah. No, the racist slides, they work very good within a show, and they worked very well in Perth. And they were by themselves. Adelaide Fringe crowd? Don't really get the irony. It sounds like one of those great apologies though.

You missed the context of what I said in word. Yeah, well, that was my fault because I didn't supply much context. You just said, these are my views. Yeah, yeah. You just put the paint on your face and thought that would speak for itself. Didn't help that I was wearing the hat.

Yeah. What do you guys know about the Jackson jive? So you want to get jacked for your wedding? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I was thinking

maybe you could give me some tips. Yeah, yeah. Off air, easy. Yeah, okay, great, great. Anyway, sorry, that was an anti-climax. No, no, I was,

yeah, happy to help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can check in with you come wedding time. Yeah. And look at that washboard stomach. Were you ever a chubby, Ed, or were you always? Why do you want to be jacked for your wedding?

Because at your wedding, traditionally, you're wearing a tux. You're not really showing off your body. Are you going to get married topless? I bought this suit that looks like a matador, kind of like a Spanish style. So I've got to have good shoulders. How much so? Is it what they call the short jacket, the size?

What's that called? Palero? No, it's got a name. A little bestie thing, yeah. Cool little white arrows on it. Yeah, man. Like a Tex-Mex kind of feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

Yeah. But with no shirt underneath, is it just the vest and that's it? Oh, man, the model wears it with a white singlet underneath and a gold chain. Okay. I am not going to do that. So you're walking down the aisle to Pony by Genuine. Oh, yes. Nice.

That would fucking rule. If you could bring up a photo I'd like to see it But we can talk Whilst that's happening Yeah yeah yeah So What a rollercoaster I know

I'm starting to think We're not going to have time To get into Cavalier Being a tie name Oh yes That's the time for next Next time Next time

Next time God damn it It's almost It's like I feel like the clitoris woman It's impossible to follow all that It's impossible to follow all that. It's impossible to follow. Setting up the piano.

Yes, yes. But yeah, I want to... So what would you do for shoulders? That's a whole... See this one. So for those who aren't me, it's... Even just for me and Tommy who can't see what's going on. So imagine...

We fall into the category of not Ed. From a distance, that looks like you're cosplaying as Michael Jackson. That doesn't look Mexican at all. Is this wedding happening in Red Dead Redemption? It does look like that. That's the right look. So imagine sort of like if cowboys took over Byron Bay. It's the way I would describe that look.

That's very good, Ed. Yeah, there's a reason why you're on radio. Because I can describe things. And you want to look like this on your most important day. If you keep going like this, you could do $150. Oh, I'd love it. So have you shown this to your fiancé at all? Yeah, we bought the jacket.

It's come in the mail already. And I tried it on and I'm like, ooh, shoulders are a bit slow. Yeah, we bought the jacket. It's come in the mail already and I tried it on and I'm like, ooh, shoulders are a bit slow. Yeah, we can do that. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And because I'd like to like burst through a wall

for the week. Yeah. You know what I mean? Whoa! I want to be jacked and I want to burst through a wall. This is a great idea. Cats are the rig pig.

I love the idea. That's a great idea. You know what you're not going to be able to indulge in? What? Big bags of sand boys. Oh, yes. None of them.

None of them. They are out. None of them. None of them. None of that. None of that. Yeah, I know. Well, Will's obviously not getting married soon. He's got no shoulders. Yeah, if you walk

into your wedding with a big bag of chips, God help you. Yeah, down the aisle. Oh, just slamming the Sam. A small bag. Yeah. It's fine.

Can I say this? Burgering on every finger. This mightn't sound like an amazing ad, but there's a reason for this. In lockdown, right, in lockdown a couple of years ago when we were all stuck inside for 23 hours a day, we did Get Your Wife's program, the TIFXO, the online program. We were doing that an hour a day, whatever it was. We were doing that.

We got weeks and weeks into it, and it's a great little thing for us to do together in front of the TV every day. I reckon, I don't know what the time frame was, maybe six, seven weeks later, and I said to my wife, how's it all going? How's the progress going?

And she's like, because I'm like, you know, just aesthetics. I'm going, I'm not sure if this is doing the desired effect. I've shredded. Yeah, yeah. I've shredded. You're looking hot.

She's gone, yeah, I've actually put on, yeah. I've shredded. You're looking hot. She's gone, yeah, I've actually put on 10 kilos. I'm like, how? How has this happened? How has this been an exercise where you've put on weight? But I think what it was,

to be fair, I don't blame it on the Tiff XO exercises. No. I think the one hour of exercise a day that was going on when she was walking out, she was just walking a KFC drive-thru. It's not what we recommend.

Yeah, right. Yeah, that'll do it. Ah, shit. Because I was like, I'm fine now. I can restrain myself from too many drinks. You know, I know when to stop. But also, it replaces it with other shit. Yeah.

Like, I never had a bloody hankering for donuts. Now I love the fancy donuts with all the shit in them. Do you have any weaknesses? I don't think you have any weaknesses, do you, Ed? Dietary-wise, you're pretty strict, aren't you? Yes. But the only reason I keep a lid on everything is because the reason I'm so fascinated by the life you lead in adelaide is that's the life that i

want really yeah the life man complete excess maybe we can do a swap i wouldn't last that day that you described i would not have got to the punk band i would have been asleep at home you know you see You know, you see those news stories where you say, there's a personal trainer, which, you know, you're built like a personal trainer. Would you be like that guy? I remember a couple of years, there's probably been a few of these guys where they go,

you know what? I want to put myself in the body of one of my clients. I hate when people do that. And they pack on 50 kilos. They don't though. They just stick their stomach out while they're already eating the way they normally do. And then it just changed the lighting state.

Really? Yeah, it's always bullshit. Oh, okay. Yeah, or they're just mad on the jabs. Which also works. Oh, man. Maybe I should get the jabs. Yeah, we can do that.

Yeah. We can do that if you want. Yeah, yeah, great. What's the last worst thing you've eaten? No, I had a pizza the other night.? No, I had a pizza the other night. So I had a pizza the other night, but it's not... Also with breakfast radio, it's really easy to get really unhealthy during those hours with that perpetual state of tiredness.

Yeah. So it's really, really simple to get like... To just fall off any wagon you could ever hope for. Yeah. Otherwise, no. But anyway, look, I would like to acknowledge just how boring my stories are

in compared to Nick Cavill. No, man. I am fully aware. I think everyone on earth needs to give that KVN. I'm fully aware of that. Speaking of pizza, what do you think of this? I was just using you as a sorbet

because we've been in crazy town for 45 minutes. I just want to get back to some sort of clean living just to the end of the episode before we send people back into their lives

yeah kind of cool down this is a gateway story back to normal life this is the post workout stretch I was eating a pizza

in Adelaide oh god and I thought what time yeah it was late it was like around one in the morning okay

is it one of those Places in Adelaide Where you just walk past And grab a few slices No San Giorgio's It's a kind of Institution Yeah okay

Yes I think So we've got 50 bucks On the taxi Now we've got 20 bucks On the pizza I think We've only got 30 bucks This was another Oh okay

I was thinking of like What if like Do you reckon this is A funny comedy sketch Here we go So it's a It's a It's a place called Igloo Pizza,

and it's where every pizza comes in the shape of an igloo. Now, that's not the funny bit, but the song is. No, we know. The song goes, Hey, hey, pleased to meet you. Hey, hey, you want that igloo pizza? This is a sketch? Yeah, and it's got all the Uber Eats drivers,

and they're all fucking it up. Like, they open up the pizza, and it's all fucked. Could you work a clitoris into it? Yeah, and it's got all the Uber Eats drivers and they're all fucking it up. They open up the pizza and it's all fucked. Could you work a clitoris into it? Yeah. You can work a clitoris into the song. I think it's great. Most of my comedy doesn't have a message. No, it's certainly something to think about.

Or a punchline. Is that a sketch? I think the clapper meter's getting the night off after that one. It's having a nap. Who knows? Honestly, TikTok's taught us that nothing matters. Yeah, that's true. That nothing...

Yeah, yeah. I got grumpy twice in Adelaide. I never really get grumpy. Go for it. The second time, Ross Noble asked Brett and I to go mountain biking with him. He's mad for biking. He's mad for biking. He's mad for that. And we're all like, yeah, man, that's sick.

Like, incredible. Like, loving the dream. Like, this is fucking amazing. Like, I would have never dreamed of going mountain biking with Ross Noble, right? But there wasn't enough electric bikes. So I had to use one that wasn't electric, right? And we're going around this mountain bike park. And Ross was like oh there's a couple of uphills i was like oh that's fine right and brett also not on an electric um how does ross noble go mountain biking have you got

like one path you're going and he just can't keep going it was fucking like that he was going he was diverting off everywhere so wait he's on the electric and you and Brett aren't. No. He's like you at the comedy comp. I'll show these idiots. Well, I found out how fit he really is later on. He's a serious rider. He swapped with Brett.

Brett got an electric and there was two other guys or three other guys on electrics. And I'm like pedaling up and every time we get to a fork in the road there's always a downhill and uphill and ross is like yeah let's uh we gotta go uphill again and i'm like fuck it yeah this is fine and then we're getting further and further up and i am destroyed like really destroyed i can barely pedal anymore you know yeah we just got to go up one more. No nap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So.

I'd had a nap before this one. Oh, wow. That's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. I've been in Adelaide for a week by this time.

You've learnt. Okay. You've adjusted to the new time zone. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. The half an hour time zone,

it wrecks you. It kills you. So you go in the uphill, yeah. Yeah, and then he goes, we've just got to go on the uphill yeah yeah and then uh he goes oh we just got to go on one more uphill i was like cool and then we go down this because a good mountain bike track is like a roller coaster you know it's uphill downhill keeps

you interested then we go on this downhill that is so fucking steep that we like finish it in i don't know one minute then we got to go back fucking uphill again and it goes from like oh man ross noble to like if this prick takes me one more fucking one more uphill i'm gonna fucking kill him right yes yes and he's quite fit so he's doing okay but you can tell he's a bit ruined yeah and then we stopped for a couple of chats every now and then because the other guys weren't so experienced. And then it just went from me going, oh, look, I don't want to risk my life, but I went down these downhills so fast

that Brett couldn't even keep up with the electric because I just wanted the momentum to go up the hill. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, it went from that to me just going, oh, right, so to just me being silent, sitting there, trying to get my breath while everyone's talking. Wow. And then wanting to get the thing off and just putting my helmet on

while they're all having a chat, just putting it on, just going, I'm going, right? Just going to the bottom. Cranky capper. Then we get to the bottom and I'm fine. When I say I'm cranky, I'm just like not talking as much. We get to the bottom and I'm fine. When I say I'm cranky, I'm just like not talking as much. Yeah. We get to the bottom and Ross is there with all his mates

and Brett and I are like, oh, we've got to go. And Ross is like, oh, yeah, we're going to an escape room now. Yes. Yes. He loves a full day. Give a fucking hell, man. Was this his ninth birthday? Yeah.

Did you get a lolly bag on the way out? I was like, you're going to a fucking escape room? And it was like 40 degrees. Yeah. I was like, my idea of his escape room would be a cool room. There we go. There he is. There he is.

You know, Ross is like, you're not allowed to come out biking with me again. All right. Well, we better wrap it up there on another episode. That was a hard out That was a full on Yes as you were Yeah Oh Ed's still going to tell us

His workout routine Yeah yeah yeah Can I plug my show Yes You can So Floor is open First time ever

The Team Effort movie Live At Melbourne International Comedy Festival We're doing two shows You have a podcast called Team Effort Correct And it is a Who's in it? You? Me. Tony Martin, Ash Williams,

Limo, Michael Hing, Brett, sorry, Brett in the rain, Ben Knight, Sam Garlop, and good others, myself. And it is a film about radio that I have written and it's based on real stories from

many many years of radio and one in particular that no one noticed but for the first time ever last year year before sorry a radio show went to court for its content and nobody noticed except me and i and i took notes and it is a comedy about that. It's all set in one day and so it's a back-and-performed reading of the script so everyone's learning their lines and I've built all the radio elements. So Matt Dower who does Tony Martin's Sizzletown who did Get This. Oh, yeah. I've made a whole stack of fake radio ads and it's taking the piss out of AM footy radio

and the complete takeover of betting by that style of radio station. And I highly recommend this because you did another one. Yes, I did. You did. That I was in, and it was great, man. Obviously did well. No, it's a prequel to that. It's a prequel to the one that Kappa did.

Right. So we're trying to make it as a thing. So Kappa isn't in the Team Effort universe at this point. He'll be in the next season. But what happened is basically the Marx Brothers, I got the

idea from the Marx Brothers, they used to tour their film scripts for a year, get them tight, tight, tight, tight, and then make them. So that's what we're

doing for this. So go along and Melbourne Comedy Festival. It was really, really good. Really, really cool. But I kind of let the team down a bit because I'd read the script,

but I didn't really realize the voice I was going to have until probably the third way into it. And then I started becoming like, hey, how's it going? You know what I mean? Did a great job. Did a great job. If you listen to it, you can slowly hear me getting more and more evil as the show goes on.

You did a great job. Which is awful. But go and listen to all the episodes that you've got beforehand to get a feel for what's going on in your universe. Team effort. Team effort, absolutely. And use the Edneron every morning or on the listener app, etc. Thank you very much.

Great. And Kappa, you're about to do your show, Hold Me Close to Tiny Cancer. Yes, as well as a bunch of variety shows at 11 o'clock. I actually want to do my own now. close to tiny cancer. Yes, as well as a bunch of variety shows at 11 o'clock. Yeah. Man. I actually want to do my own now. I reckon it's cool, $100.

But then I actually, fuck, I should have told you guys this. The Northern Territory comics. I wish I had more wax in my ears. Actually, let's cut it there. No, no, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. I found out later on that they were quite happy giving out the $100 because they got a grant. Ah. Yeah, from the Northern want to hear it. I want to hear it. I found out later on that they were quite happy giving out the $100 because they got a grant.

Ah. Yeah, from the Northern Territory Government. They got a grant for $10,000 and then gave you $100. I'm sorry to say, Kappa. Once again, Ed is in astonishment for those who can't see. He's thrown his hands up. You don't get $100 grants, Kappa. What, they got some kind of grant?

No, but for the season, right? For the season. $100 for every night they do the comp? Yeah, yeah, yeah. of grant? No, but for the season, right? For the season. $100 for every night they do the comp? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think someone's making a lot more money off of it than you are. Also, I should tell you, he booked me in for three spots, three to four spots over the festival. After I did that one, I never heard back.

Yeah, right. This guy's too good. He's going to bankrupt us. What a story. Well done. Yeah, yeah. So, Hold Me Close to Tiny Cancer, it's your show about surviving testicular cancer. Yes, yes. You are on. Well done. Yeah, yeah. So Hold Me Close to Tiny Cancer, it's your show

about surviving testicular cancer. Yes, yes. You are on at the Cooper's Inn in Melbourne for the second half of the festival.

Now I can safely say the show is really good. Yep. It's really good. In Perth, it was not so good. First half of Adelaide, not so good.

But now it's good. Yep. Now it's good. Yep. Now it's good. Yeah. Now it's like you've got it down to seven minutes after opening for Stan Hope and now it's really good. Yeah, in Perth it was four to six hours. And I cut it down to an hour and a half in Adelaide.

Now it's 50 minutes. And in Melbourne, if you get four or five people in a night, you'll, again, be winning $100 a night. Joy. What a night. Joy. What a joy. All right. So check that out. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time.

See you, mate. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, I'm tired. Me too. Bernie slept a big one. That was really one where it's like it got to 40 minutes and it's like, well, I mean, we should do an hour, but like, is there much need?

I'm wrecked. Was that short? No, no, no. No, that's what I'm saying. It's like, we got to the end of the open mic story and it was like 40 something minutes. And it's like, I know it's meant to be an hour, but I'm feeling like we could just put a lid on this now because I feel exhausted. Also, Cap, I don't think Cap has got a good radar

for what good stories are. So then he starts another story. I'm like, I'm pretty sure you can't top that. I'm pretty sure you're just going to name some things that happened and we're going to go, okay, I guess that happened. Well, I mean, yeah, but I mean, that's fine. It's our show. It's like, you tell us a shit story and we'll try and put some sauce on it.

Yeah. You did a lot of the heavy lifting in the main yarn that is just off its head and then now just tell us about riding a bike. Oh, God. You put your fucking dick in the spokes. Yeah. That is a good bit. Yeah.

No, look, that's good. It's good. You get somewhere and you go, what about I heard this happen to you. Yeah That is a good bit Yeah No look That's good It's good You get somewhere And you You go What about I heard this happen to you

This will be good for two minutes And then it's good for 42 minutes Instead It's like good I did I heard a condensed version of it At a dinner that I had with him Like a couple of days after

And we were about to do the live show And I was like God damn What a shame Cap is not on the live episode Yeah Good fun Go and see his show yeah the show um i haven't seen the full show but i've seen probably a good half of it and there's some very good gear in there so go and see that um you've got a show tommy go and see that scam artist selling it nicely uh come check it out

i think it's gonna be really good i'm really happy with it out. I think it's going to be really good. I'm really happy with it. It's got a little cartoon shit in it. It's got some good stand-up in it. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling fucking ready to do a fucking goddamn month of comedy. Big borry. We've got live shows, of course, in Melbourne.

April 1, 8, 15, 22. April 1 is the debut of the pilot of The Yarn we've got a very interesting guest that we're both very excited about our proof of concept of The Yarn yes a guest we're very excited about on that show

on the 8th we've got other guests that we're excited about yes an international guest. Same with the 15th, 22nd. I think it might be a pretty roll gold episode, that one, of guests. 22nd? Yeah.

Yeah, someone just messaged me about doing the 22nd. Oh, did they? And I think I've got to write back and go, it's full, brother. Oh, really? Yeah. I think I got one of them as well, but we'll see. Okay. Yeah, I think we've got three already, haven't we? On the 22nd? Yeah. I think I got one of them as well, but we'll see. Okay. Yeah, I think we've got three already, haven't we?

On the 22nd? Yeah. Yeah. Well, how many have we got on the 15th? I think one. Okay. Well, maybe we have two now. Right.

Okay. If I write back to this person. Okay. Well, because it was like I sent the email ages ago. I said 15th or 22nd, and then I hadn't heard anything, and I just gave it a little nudge, and they're like, oh, sorry, I did miss this. Yep. Can Ith or 22nd and then I hadn't heard anything and I just gave it a little nudge and they're like oh sorry I did miss this

can I do the 22nd and I was like oh well maybe you could have once upon a time but now maybe not so much give me a visual clue

who's this person we're talking about a visual clue yeah yeah yeah give me some sort of semaphore madness yeah okay some sort of

hmm just looking around the room Things I could use Yeah Uh Maybe I'll just bring up a picture Of them on Google Images Yeah that'd be a good idea

Yeah Do you want a picture Or do you want me to like Just write it in notes I don't mind Whatever's quickest Okay Yeah

Um There you go Uh Oh that guy Oh yeah that's good Yeah Okay good Yeah Yeah that's good. Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, that's good.

That's a good guess. Or girl. It is 2022. We do have that going on. Yeah, we got too many guests, that means. That's good. And we got too many guests in Brisbane as well. Saturday, May the 20th, we're doing a double episode,

which means six guests all up, and we've got six rippers. TBC. We've probably got about four at the moment, and we're juggling them a little bit. Yeah. Making the statement, we've got six guests, TBC. We've got four. Well, probably six.

This is the immediate walking back of the statement that no one forced you to make. Probably six. Yeah. I'm like, no, we've got six. Well, I mean. A couple haven't confirmed. By the time we come to do the show, there will be six. Yeah.

Because that's the rod that we've made for our own back with these fucking things. Yes, exactly. But as of time of recording, four locked in. Yes, four locked in. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's pretty good for us considering we're just talking about Melbourne

in a couple of weeks and we haven't, we're saying we haven't filled those ones yet. Yeah. Mostly filled. Mostly filled. Mostly filled. Yeah.

They got extremely strong backbones all of those episodes. Few people that have not done live episodes before. Yes. A few people that haven't been on for a long time. Yes. Some of our mates. Some very big favourites of the show.

Some people that I personally am a big fan of. Yes. Well, thank you for watching. And some other people. Yeah. And some other people. Yeah. And some others. People that don't fit into the category of mates, big names, people we admire.

Yes. Some people we don't like are on the show this year. Some people that aren't friends of ours. We think they're shit. Yep. They're not famous. Yeah, they're not good at comedy. You won't like them. Yep.

But we thought, hey, something different. Yeah. Diversity booking. Let's get some shit people on. Yeah, they're not good at comedy. You won't like them. But we thought, hey, something different. Yeah. Diversity booking. Let's get some shit people on. Yeah, yeah. We've always been criticised in the past. In the past, people would see a picture of all the guests together and go, not very diverse.

They're all good comedians. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, let's give the shit ones a go. My pronouns are he sucks. All right. Well, if that's not going to make you guys buy a ticket, I don't know what is.

Oh, God. Imagine me saying that in a room full of people. Imagine hearing that as it comes out of our mouths. That would be good. Imagine hearing that and being able to look at the person and go, they look different to what I thought. They just look different. Imagine hearing all the stuff we do in live shows that we cut out because it's yeah full on i got a straight

up like someone came to my show in adelaide and afterwards i was talking to a person and i got the like the classic like well man it's just really tripping me out talking to you because it's like i hear your voice on all these pods all the time and they're just like seeing it just come out of a person that's in front of me is really tripping me up look man that adelaide weed is something else yeah it's nice it's nice uh it's such a funny thing to like derail a conversation with though like literally i'm just like you know this person's like asking me questions just chatting about this that and the other and then it's like

just bring conversation to a halt to go by the way your head is looking weird to me as it's speaking yeah oh well there was a guy

sorry I was at a gig the other night and a guy comes up and goes oh man big podcast fan oh nice one man are you here for the gig

no no no just on a bucks night or something like that yeah no worries he's like yeah no cool just good to you know meet you but you know always listen and whatever i'm like cool man and as i'm i'm like thanks thanks for listening and you know all that stuff and but you know in that sort of instance if someone doesn't bring up i don't know anything about this guy this guy hasn't asked anything about me it's sort of like end of conversation almost a little bit without being rude but then i'm so i'm like okay what do i say next and then i'm like oh well if you like the show i guess it's just it

milan is milan was with me hey check it out he's milan he's like oh cool and then milan comes in and goes oh you listen to the podcast oh yeah he goes cool and then he's like what now uh uh okay i guess we're going to the bar We're getting a shot, are we? Like, you know, just reluctant Yeah, yeah I didn't do it, boy I guess I'm the guy I guess we're doing this Whoever you are

We're having a shot together And the guy's like Okay, great Alright Perfect Chandler wasn't giving me much Yep And now I'll just drink this

And then I'll just go And that was exactly what happened Fuck, perfect Yeah Well, there you go Yeah Well, another thing go. Yeah. Well, another thing you can do,

if you're not in the position to come see us live, you can get onto the Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Support the show. Help us keep the lights on. Get a bonus or get two bonus mini episodes every week with special guests, often the same ones that have just been on the ep. Yep.

And go into the drawer to get your name fucked around with. Fuck around and find out at the end of each episode of the podcast. Shall I just say, for the very first live episode in Melbourne, April the 1st, it's not a joke, guys. It's for real. On the Saturday afternoon, 4.30, if you're coming, we will be in touch. We would love people to audition for The Yarn. We will be doing that as part of the episode,

the pilot part of our normal episode will be The Yarn. And of course, that includes, if you missed that episode, it was with Greg Larson and Nina Oyama, where it's like The Voice, but with stories, fucked stories. So you have a chance. We'll have some sort of tiny little audition process and then you could be one of our contestants there are prizes on offer yep we want someone telling us us and the and the the panel of guests a yarn and we all decide whether that

that story is being sent into outer space or whatever the fuck yeah the idea was and should we say that um i mean we don't normally announce the guests, but because we are doing the pilot of The Yarn, it probably is worth mentioning that our guests, slash the judges for that episode, are Jackie Owen and Timo Matic. Okay, yes. Are going to be on the show. Yes.

My mate Timo Matic. Got Timo Matic. Timo Matic. Great. All right. Yes.. Great. All right. Yes. So keep that in mind if you're keen to tell a story and literally be on the show. Yeah.

That's what it's going to be. God, I hope we don't get open mic comedians doing this going, fuck, this is our way into showbiz. I don't think any open mic comedians are listening to this. Maybe. Man, here's the comedians that used to listen to this show before they got into comedy. Yep. Nina.

Yep. Cam James. Yeah. Pretty sure. I don't think so. No? No. Well, he, there's, well, we'll talk about this.

I'm pretty sure, yes. Okay. Yeah. Sam Taunton. Yep. I believe. Yep. We had Peter Jones on a couple of times years ago.

He said he listened to it. He definitely, yeah, long before he started. Yeah. So there's four already. Yeah. That's a few. But I think, though, I don't think any current open mic is, I think the days of though I don't think any current open mic is I think

I think the days of I don't know I think the days of open mic is listening to other comedy podcasts sure are over okay alright fair enough

well hey prove us wrong guys alright let's get into the Patreon read thank you to everyone that contributes to us especially these people just this week because they are

newly entered people entering the Stuart Hall of Fame. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alex Duhigg. D-U-H-I-G. Duhigg.

Is that Duhigg? I guess so. Duhigg. Duhigg. Duhigg. That's a, I haven't heard that, that's like a classic like old cartoon phrase. Duhigg. Yep.

What's the, put the thingamajig into the doohickey. Yeah, it's a bit of an old mum thing or something now, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think you would use it if you were writing a thing where it's like, oh, someone's trying to use a phrase to convey that. Yeah. It's a bit old hat. Put the fucking, that kind of a thing in that thing.

Put that fucking bastard into that. Put your dick up my ass. Yeah. Yeah, that sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, instead of... So, now, that's what Alex...

Put your thingamadick into my dooshitty. Yeah. That's what Alex Duhigg's last name would be now. Yeah. Alex Dick Up The Ass. Yeah. That's the 2023 version of... Gotta ask the weekly question.

You eating? I have... Yeah, I had to do it. Yeah. You eating? I have. Yeah, I had to do it. Yeah. I had to do it. I looked at the time. I thought, you know what? This is going to fuck me.

I better go and eat. It was against my will, but I did it. Yeah. How about you? I would say no. No, I didn't feel great taking down that breakfast burrito at 10.30 a.m. Not what I wanted to be doing, but again, same thing. But then, I don't know.

I'm trying to, I'm really trying to keep it pretty low-key with the lunches these days. Anything too big, middle of the day, it's just killing me. Right. It's slowing me right down.

Yeah. I got a, I stopped at McDonald's on the way. I walked a bunch of the way here, the All House. I went to McDonald's, and I got a sausage egg McMuffin, and I got a iced chocolate. I said, would you like cream on that? I was like, oh, the all house. I went to McDonald's and I got a sausage egg McMuffin and I got

a iced chocolate. I said, would you like cream on that? I was like, oh, okay, yes. And then they gave me one without cream. Okay. Did you pay for the cream? Don't know. Is that extra for the cream? That'd be nice. I don't know. Yeah, probably. I reckon they're probably whacking like, you know, 50 cent little charge on them.

Yeah, maybe. But anyway. Have I talked about this? You know what I did? I revisited an old favourite recently. Sausage and Ink McMuffin. Hashbrown on the side. Hashbrown's going in the sausage and Ink McMuffin. But when you use the little, you know, the little self-order thing at Macca's,

it just comes up as the option. Adding the McChicken sauce on there. Oh. Really good. You know, I've never had a McChicken. It's kind of like, I don't know how you'd describe it. It's almost... Chicken burger? It's like the...

Chicken burger? Yeah, yeah. It's a chicken burger. Right. Oh, yeah. You get it. Yeah. I really haven't given you much credit there, have I?

No, the sauce, it's kind of almost like a slightly tangier Big Mac sauce. Right. You know, it's like a... Yeah. It's a bit of a different spin on their special sauce. Right. But it's good. And it literally is like the first, you know, when you put your thing into those self-serve

things. Never use it. And it just comes up. Well, okay. Well, it'll come up with like, here's the thing. And then it'll just have this big list of like, here's everything you can add or subtract to the burger. So if you're someone who really likes to fuck around with your burger and you have a bit

of shame about that, it's kind of perfect. Right. Because saying that, saying to another human being, can I have a sausage McMuffin with the McChicken sauce on it? Yep. It's like, God, I feel like a fucking idiot. Yep. But literally, the McChicken is the top of the options.

It's like, yeah, you know what? It almost seems to be suggesting to you like, it's really fucking good if you put this on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit the fucking button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough enough i get it um do i still have the potato cakes is that a limited time time only because i did put this in the in the groups there for a while i was like i was pretty excited about it and then a lot of people were like this fucking sucks and i went and got it twice and it was great both times really yeah i really liked it you're the only positive review i've heard of it yeah everyone else i know who travel was like they just have two fantastic

potato products already yeah i don't know why they're not staying in their lane well i think it also depends on how where you rank the potato products because i know you're a big fan of the hash brown where i'm uh the opposite of that right so i don't rate the hash brown in any way whatsoever but i love potato cakes it'd be close to the top of my. Right. So I don't rate the hash brown in any way whatsoever. But I love potato cakes. It'd be close to the top of my potato product list. Yes. Wow. So I really enjoy it.

I've got them switched. Potato cake, don't mind one, but it's, yeah, it's taken a back seat too. You know what I reckon? I reckon for a product, McDonald's, where everything, you know, the point of McDonald's is wherever you go in the world, you get the same product.

Yep. I reckon the chips are pretty wildly up and down. What do you think about that? Around the world or just when you go to any- Just different stores. Yeah, yeah. No, I agree with that. I think that's true of all fast food.

I like a good batch of KFC chips. I would rank above Macca's. Absolutely. Any day of the week. But I reckon KFC chips, I would rank above Macca's. Absolutely. Any day of the week. But I reckon KFC chips. But then KFC, their bottom, they are capable of so much worse than McDonald's. You reckon? I think so.

I reckon they're more consistent. Really? I reckon you pretty much get the same chips. No, but I mean when they fuck it, they go so much further down, I think. I'm not sure if I've seen them fuck it. I think a bad KFC product is so much worse than a bad Donnie's. I don't think I've ever seen KFC fuck is so much worse than a bad Donnie's. I don't think I've ever seen KFC fuck chips.

Really? Yeah. Interesting. I think they're really, really consistent. They're the best. And I've even, you know what? Here's what happens on a Friday. I take my child swimming and then we, and she goes to an activity room, and then we get lunch.

And usually we go and get thai because she loves noodles from there yep but recently she instead of going there every week she's gone oh we'll do something different and so now she likes uh kfc okay because she likes nuggets and i've taught her i've gone we're not ever getting nuggets anywhere else except for kfc because and i don't say kfc i go we're going to the special place with the world's best nuggets. And so that's what she says now. Can we go and get the best nuggets in the world, Dad? Okay.

Yes, we can. She goes, and we go and get those good chips? And I go, yeah. And she goes, and a water? I'm like, yep, that's the meal you get. And so are you just thinking like you don't want her to be having you for nuggets at other places or? No, I think the KFC nuggets, after you have them, why would you go anywhere else?

I think McDonald's nuggets are appalling. No nuggets are worth having anywhere else apart from KFC. I disagree. Really? Love a Donnie's nugget. I think they're awful. Donnie's nugget over KFC nugget any day of the week. Are you joking? No. Haven't had a KFC nugget. I think they're awful. Donnie's nugget over KFC nugget any day of the week. Are you joking?

No. Haven't had a KFC nugget for a while, but I always remember back in the day, yeah, being just confused. Like, this guy's chicken is all they do. How are the nuggets not better? Can you please, in the next week or two, can you please go and have a direct sample of McDonald's nuggets versus... Back to back. Yes. Yeah, okay. Can you please do that? KFC are of McDonald's nuggets versus... Back to back.

Yes. Yeah, okay. Can you please do that? KFC are just in a weird place at the moment. They got rid of the twister and I do not know why. They're like default twister. It's gone. Now it's like the default is like the twisted crunch that's got like fucking corn chips in it or something.

Yeah. They got rid of just like the straight twister. That was my go-to at KFC. Yeah. And it's like, this is an item that's been on the menu for like 20 plus years. I don't get it. What do you get there now? Why do you fuck with that?

What do you get now? I'm getting the Zinger burger. Right. I don't get burgers there. You know, my go-to KFC is, I'll get the little slider. Yeah. Pepper mayo slider. Yeah.

Well, that pepper mayo used to be in the beloved twister. Oh. That's what was so good about it. I'll get the pepper mayo and I might get some tenders. I don't go with the bread there too much. I'm going to go with the burgers. Am I imagining this or that Big Hungry Jack's that's on the corner of Russell Street and Bourke Street? Yes, go on. Is it closing down and then reopening like every month and a half at the moment?

Yes, it's bewildering. What's going on? It's bewildering. I walked past there the other day. I hadn't been in the city for a while and I was like, have and a half at the moment? Yes, it's bewildering. What's going on? It's bewildering. I walked past there the other day. I hadn't been in the city for a while and I was like, have I gone back in time? Yes. Didn't this reopen again since the last time they renovated?

I reckon, so they've closed down and then they've reopened. They were down for COVID, reopened again. Closed down and reopened a couple of times and now they've done it again. Yep. And they've done their refurbishment. So this must be one of those ones where they go oh we're back soon you're not back soon i don't get it i think they're just gone

but really i don't think they've closed down why else are they closed down there yeah i don't know why else because they've refurbed they got new stuff in there yeah it's yeah it's pretty crazy that the one place to get hungry jack Jacks in Melbourne, in the CBD, you have to go down into the worst, into skid row of Melbourne CBD, which is, what's the street? Yeah, where is the other one? Not Russell. What's the worst street? We did the live pod down there years ago.

Elizabeth Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nearly Elizabeth and Flinders. Same with KFC. That fucking, there's that one on Bourke Street that closes really early. Yes. Nearly Elizabeth and Flinders. Same with KFC. There's that one on Bourke Street that closes really early. Yes. Especially given that it's next to a pub that stays open until like 6am or whatever.

Yes. That fucking Metro Tunnel. Yeah. God, it took out a lot of heavy hitters. Yeah. It took out an all-night Macca's, an all-night Hungry Jack's, and an all-night KFC. Yep. Devastating loss to the Comedy Festival. Yes.

That fucking Metro Tunnel. No, you're right. Late-night food in the city, in the CBD, is not great at the moment. It just used to be, you know, obviously it's never ideal, but it's like, yeah, you finish a gig late or whatever, especially around Comedy Festival time, you've gone from like one thing to the next and then it's like 11 and you're hungry and you're like,

I'll just get something and then go home. I'll just pop into KFC and get a little something. And then now it's like you're walking around like a complete cunt looking for fucking anything. There's nothing there anymore. Yeah, there's not. And then ending with like, all right, I'll go down to the KFC at Elizabeth Street. You look on the map and it is just a block away.

It's the fast food red light district at the moment. It is, yeah. It's not geographically like, well, it is just there. But then you get down there and you're like, I'm in fucking Baghdad. Yes. Yes. Yes. You order Ubers, they're all cancelling.

They're like, I'm not fucking picking someone up from there. Yeah. It's Burger Afghanistan. It's not good down there. You look like you are going down there to school. Yeah. Because it is a shit block, but it does have all the food. Yeah.

Yeah, it is funny because it's like everything just got shuffled off that block. Yeah. But when that metro tunnel opens, is the entrance to the station just going to be there? Or are those shops just going to pop back up? I don't know. I hope so. The Golden Mile. Yeah, I hope so too.

Well, thanks, Doohickey. Thanks, Do hope so too. Well, thanks, Doohickey. Thanks, Doohickey. Thanks for your little Doohickey. Alex Doohickey. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matt Farthing. Thanks for contributing all your farthings to us. What was a farthing worth? What did that mean?

Was that like 10 cents or what? Because, I mean, they're all slang, aren't they? Like a farthing was a, you know, like a nickel. Slang for the coin. Yeah, like a nickel, you know, a nickel's whatever it is. Oh, right. 10 cents or whatever. A farthing was a.

Oh, right. So then that means the bike, the penny farthing. That's like two different names of currency. Oh, a farthing was a quarter of a penny a quarter of a cent a quarter of a cent but so then the bike a cent quarter of a cent penny farthing so a cent and a quarter yeah why did oh the wheels right so you got that big one and then the little one is like a quarter the size of the big one is that why must be it okay that'll do um yeah they should bring that back quarter of a cent that'd come in really handy the size of the big one. Oh, is that why? Must be it. Okay, that'll do.

Yeah, they should bring that back, quarter of a cent. That'd come in really handy. I had a bit in my show when I was doing it in Adelaide about seeing a penny farthing in the street in Melbourne and just the people of Adelaide just lapping that up like,

yeah, fucking Melbourneites. Classic us. I felt like a real race trader. I was like, right up the top of the show, do what you got to do to get these people on board, give them some easy shit to latch onto. And every now and then I was like,

and you know, of course, because I'm in Melbourne, then a penny farthing rides past. And everyone's like, yeah! Just feel like, I mean, this is what I want out of performing a comedy show. But I feel, I don't feel good about this. I feel a bit dirty. I'm still getting responses on my thread on the burger forum from last week.

Oh, yeah. Still getting a few people finding that and going, fuck you. So, yeah, thanks, guys. Thanks, guys in Adelaide. But, yeah, some good burgers over there. Some good places over there to eat. Not as a, because it is funny because then someone, someone then in the Adelaide forum,

burger forum then went, hey, I'm coming to Melbourne. Where should I get a burger in Melbourne? And then someone ats me in straight away. Yep. I'm like, yeah, do I do this comedy or do I do this real? I don't know. I think it's funny to just do it real. You're in there being a shit stirrer and then when someone asks you for something,

you just play a completely straight bet. What would your recommendation be well that was see that's the question I was like alright here we go and then I'm like

I don't know I mean I guess maybe Royal Stacks is that I don't know yeah they're good yeah I couldn't someone did message me

the other day after all that and was like where do I get a burger in Richmond I'm not the new expert of burgers just because I shat on

someone in fucking Adelaide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I actually don't know. It was just a joke. Yeah. I don't know Jack's shit, because it is a bit of a tough one in Richmond. But yeah, would you say that in Melbourne

in terms of like... I guess. I mean, there was a point where it was like every new place that was opening was a burger place. And it did, to me, reach a bit of critical mass where it was like, these are just all the did to me reach a bit of critical mass where it

was like these are just all the same everyone's just kind of gotten the same recipe boiled it down you know there was like grilled that was trying to do a healthier thing and then there was like huxter burger gone for like that's what i was gonna say the american style and it's like yeah they're all the fucking same that is near my joint in in hawthorne and it's literally a thing that is now like it's just blind to me yeah it's like i walk i walk past that nearly every day never have i thought of going in there it's funny because at one point when they started it was a bit like oh this huxter burger place la-di-da i know i remember us having it on smith street yeah and being like wow this is really that's right. Smith Street is the original, and it is also the original progenitor

of the greasy, bringing back the greasy burger, the greasy American-style burger, which is now just, yeah, so dime a dozen. And I remember walking past a Huckster burger at one point, and they had like a family guy-themed meal deal combo, and I was like, yeah, I think any idea of this being kind of la-di-da is out the window at this point. Well, your original idea of naming it after members of the Cosby family

in the Cosby show, it's like, guys, you've had a few years now to maybe update this concept, but no, you're just going to keep it like this? Okay, no problem. Yeah, okay, I just probably wouldn't order a drink from you guys uh-huh nice there you go a bit of comedy um that's that's a quarter of a cent worth of comedy right there in tribute to matt farthing a farthing a farthing gag yeah uh what a farthing gag oh okay is that the farthing's the quarter right okay it's a quarter cent it It's a farthing of a gag. It's a quarter of a gag.

Yeah. Yeah. Three more of them is one gag. Is one joke. Yep. Yeah, is one joke. Yeah, that's in tribute to you, Matthew. Is that enough for Matthew?

I reckon. Yeah. I'm fucking tired. My child was up late. One of these long days. I'm going to... I've got plenty to do after this as well. That'll be good.

Thanks, Matthew Farthing. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Colin Rankine. Rankine. R-A-N-K-I-N-E. Rankine. Rankine. Must be Rankine. Must be.

Having Rank as your surname is pretty good. Well, I mean, is it or not? Because Rank now is a bit of a slang for, oh, that's pretty Rank as in shit. But Rank, you know, used to be. Colin Rank. Yeah. Rank. I mean, Ranky would be like, well, it's just like, you know, Brigadier, Colonel, General.

That's true. Yeah. A name that has... Pulling rank. I mean, that's almost like it's a good word. Yeah. Well, that's when he whacks off. Yeah.

Not to pull rank. That's his partner. But I'm about to come. I'm going to pull rank. I'm going to make myself admiral. Yeah, it's... That's a funny one where your name, the idea behind your name would have changed over time.

Like you've lived to see it go from like... I'm going to pull rank because I'm going to give you a general orgasm. Yeah. Yeah. That's something. Going from it being like, yeah, rank, like, oh, ranking officer, oh, to in the last like, yeah, 10 years. Yeah. Yeah, that's bad.

You're rank. Yeah, what... You're disgusting. Why is that bad why does rank mean bad I don't know it's something like you know if you had the name

Grot Grot really came into real prominence in the last like decade yeah but Grot never meant something else no true yeah

rank is just it's just like going okay well from now on we're calling we're gonna say infrastructure means shit house. Okay.

All right. Sometimes it does, brother. That's what we're doing. Yeah, it's a weird thing to give a completely different meaning of for some reason. And everyone to go, all right, deal. Yep. We're doing it. Language is fascinating. A couple of people out there just decide, I right, deal. Yep. We're doing it. Language is fascinating.

Yeah. A couple of people out there just decide, I'm just going to start. I mean, I wonder if that's truly how it is. You know, it's like someone goes, yeah, I'm just going to start using this, using this word, using it wrongly to mean this. And then all of a sudden, 10 years later, it's being discussed on a podcast. Well, that's it. I mean, I just feel sorry for poor Colin Rankine

because, you know, 10, 15 years ago it was a perfectly serviceable little name and all of a sudden it's turned into Colin Shitine. Shitine. It's... Yuckine. Yeah. I mean, imagine right now if, you know,

all of a sudden tomorrow everyone's going, oh, oh my God, did you smell that? It smelled a bit das to me. Uh-oh. Yeah. That's you.? It smelled a bit das to me. Uh-oh. Yeah. That's you. Yeah. That's in your name now.

I wouldn't feel very good about it. Yeah, exactly. It would feel like, you know, I'm a week away from doing this comedy festival show and the language just shifts abruptly to where my name now means a bad smell. Yes. And I've got the show.

In a way, it would be like the slap happening at the Oscars last year. Right. Chris Rock, he's back out on tour. What happened? Shut up. He's back out on tour the next week. Yeah. And people are going, here we go.

But it's like he's got the show. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's doing a stadium at that point. Yeah. With this stuff that he's worked out. Yeah. He's not getting up with like, he's not like bidding like 10 of it to just trial.

I would feel like people would be coming along being like, we've got to hear him in Scam Artist address the fact that his name now means a bad smell. And I'm like, guys, I've got to talk to you about how my identity got stolen. No, exactly. I think that's the dumbest thing of all time. The equivalent of you acting like Chris Rock is this year is

this week we decide DAS means this stinks like shit. And you go, sorry guys, I already have a show. I'll talk about how DAS smells like shit

in a year's time. I will. I'll work on it. When I've had time to process it. Exactly. I'll work on it and make it good.

I've got this other stuff that I've worked on that's good. That's the dumbest thing. That's the dumbest thing. I'll work on it and make it good. I've got this other stuff that I've worked on that's good. No, that's the dumbest thing. That's the dumbest thing. I'm not going to fucking open market at my own show. No, no. It's like, fuck, man. You want a tasselotto?

I'm coming around. What happened? You want a tasselotto? We'll talk about it in a year. Okay. I just want to process it first. Yeah, I mean, the money probably still isn't in your account yet. You probably don't really have anything to say about it. What did you think about

the cricket last night? Let's talk about something else. I might leave. Not because of the Tats Lotto thing, but because you just seem like a boring person anyway. If your backup to Tats Lotto is, did you watch the cricket last night? There's got to be a middle ground here. Tell me about how

your identity got stolen. That's still interesting to me. I was unprepared because all I was thinking about was how you won the Tass Lotto. That's been dominating my thoughts. I think that's weird. The other day, Chris Rock comes out and goes, here's my thoughts on what happened a year ago. It's like, oh, man, fucking hell. I mean, it's funny because I went and saw him when he was here.

Fuck, when was that? It was a little while ago. It was a few months ago. And the show seemed like, I don't know, pretty solid. He'd been doing it for a little while. And there was like zero or there was like two quick mentions of the slap. And so that special that's just gone up recently, I like yeah i mean i went to the thing live i personally didn't love it but you know i don't really feel the need to check in on this but then from what

i hear heaps of it is about the slap so it's like all right maybe i should go in because none of that stuff was in the version of the show that i saw he just i mean i haven't watched it but doesn't he just bookend it he just he puts it at the end he goes oh he's five or ten minutes at the slap at the end and then the bits i heard about was like okay is that a year's worth have you been working on that for a year yeah i guess it's okay well because it is it's like he already was on tour and he's but it is funny because it's like yeah a lot of the stuff is like hey i can't bump this out i i really got some thoughts on the differences between men and women that need this airtime. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. It seems weird to me. But anyway, I think it's overall, I think that sort of behavior is a little bit rank. Thanks, Colin Rankine. I think it's a bit das. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patience subscriber James O'Neill. Oh, yeah.

Hey, poofs. Yeah. No, different. O- or whatever you call it, N-E-A-L. Oh, well, I've inappropriately used a slur then. Yes. It was a reference. Yes.

And then now it's just me saying it. It's a bad thing for you to say. I would say it's a bad thing to say in either instance probably. That's fair. Yeah. Part of the, so not a relation of Dave O'Neill. No. Unless he is and he's just tried to get away from it

and he's done quite a poor job at it. He doesn't want us to just tee off. Yeah. It's like, I'm actually, yeah, I didn't want people to think. When I said to them, my name's James O'Neill, I didn't want them to immediately go, oh, like Dave O'Neill. And then you go, yeah, but it sounds the same. You've just spelled it differently.

And he's gone, oh, fuck. Yeah, I don't want to be accused of being a nepo baby. Yeah. I don't want to be people thinking like, oh, yeah, you've only gotten the money for this Patreon subscription because of who your dad is. Yeah, yeah. This is, you the money for this Patreon subscription because of who your dad is. Yeah, yeah. This is, you probably thought we're going to say, oh, this is the Spix money coming into our account.

Exactly. Okay, nice. We like hardworking listeners that earn their own dollars that they then give to us that we earn without doing that much work. We don't want secondhand Tractor Monkeys coins coming into the account. I don't want second-hand tractor monkeys coins coming into the account. I don't want Zone 3 chemist warehouse corporate money coming into my account. I want specifically money

from train drivers, truck drivers. I feel good knowing that anything I've ever paid for hasn't been paid for using money from the nugget. That's blood money as far as I'm concerned.

Yes. That'll do. Yeah, that's heaps there um but look i hope that is a um what if what if someone we knew did have a uh a secret child all of a sudden popped up that would be pretty cool if this guy was like like a secret Dave O'Neill child. I'm a Dave O'Neill love child. Have you ever met one of Dave O'Neill's kids? Dave O'Neill's bastard. Yes.

I've been watching, I finished watching Game of Thrones a little while ago, went through the whole thing. And that's like, it's so common, just like someone who's had a child out of wedlock is just forever referred to as Ned Stark's bastard. Oh no.

Just imagine knowing someone and it's like, we've never learned this kid's name. Yeah. Have you met Dave O'Neill's bastard. I don't know. Just imagine knowing someone and it's like, we've never learned this kid's name. Have you met Dave O'Neill's bastard? Haven't heard it as an insult for a long time, actually. Bastard. You bastard. Have I met any of Dave O'Neill's kids? I have met one of them briefly a long time ago.

He came around to my old house to drop something off for some reason and he had one of his kids with him yeah very very briefly but this this is like yeah this is like 10 years ago or something i haven't met haven't met um any of the kids i heard a lot about him it's like you know once we get to this stage in comedy you never see anyone's partner like rarely you don't see anyone's kids yeah it's just like you're Once we get to this stage in comedy You never see anyone's partner Like rarely You don't see anyone's kids Yeah It's just like

You're just seeing people at gigs And that's it I'd love to see I would love to bump into Yeah I'd love to see Dave O'Neill in family mode I'd love to see him like At the dinner table

I bumped into him in the street once He was getting Like he was getting take away From a place near here For the big family dinner. Oh, yeah. And I was just like, it just made me happy imagining just like Dave coming in the door, just like two big bags full of like lasagnas and shit.

Yeah. Kids gathered around the dinner table, stopped for a chat in the street in no hurry to go in spite of the fact that he had bags of food that were going cold. Yeah. There was like a homeless guy near us who was just begging us for money. And Dave just reaches into his pocket and gets some coins and puts them in the guy's hat and goes, there you go, mate.

I'll give you that if you shut up. He was telling me about that. He goes, I'll talk about that on the Adelaide pod. And then we had plenty of other stuff to talk about. Right, right. Yeah. He kept saying that he was like, yeah, I was with Dassalon. This bloke kept going on and he kept going on.

He's like, I'm having problems with my dad. Oh, my dad. And he's like telling a life story. And then O'Neill's like, yeah, cool, shut up. He's $1.50. It was also one of those things too when you're like, I think I had just like ducked out to like grab like one thing from the supermarket that I'd like forgotten I needed

for what I was cooking. So you're very much in the mode of like, oh, fuck, I just got to go out. I'll be like two seconds. And then you bump into someone that you know. They're well up for a chat. Then you're getting interrupted by a homeless guy. And you know what I mean?

You're like mentally you're like, I just wasn't in this zone of thinking that this was going to be a whole operation i had the airpods in i was like i'm barely going to even get through one song by the time i'm in and out of the supermarket yeah and then you're like i feel like i've been here for fucking half an hour i've lived eight lifetimes in this interaction yeah i think i think he said i think i'm pretty sure the quote was something like this. The guy kept going on and the last thing he said is, as you're walking away or whatever, he's like, yeah, you know what I need? I just need to go on holidays with my dad.

That'll fix everything. Yeah, like the funny thing was this guy's sitting on the ground. Dave's like, here you go. I'll give you money to shut up. And it's like we're just standing in the middle of the street. We could move. We're like, how dare go. I'll give you money to shut up. And it's like, we're just standing in the middle of the street. We could move. We're like, how dare this homeless man interrupt our conversation about comedy. Yeah, yeah.

About some open mic that we saw bomb. Yeah. Well, thanks, James. Thanks, James O'Neill. Hope you enjoyed the dinner that your dad brought home that night. Yeah. All right, one last one. And let's go and get you fed.

And let's get me away. No, I've eaten. Oh, sorry. I forgot. I don't want to eat. I need to go and get some shit done, and then go and pick up my child. I think that's how it's working today. I'm going to go and check on the venue.

Comedy Festival starts, when this comes out, it starts in one week. One week. Exactly. Yeah. Morris House, Basement Comedy Club House, there's a lot of your favorite acts. Who have they got in there? I'm sort of like, I've booked it. I'm sort of vaguely running it.

Who's in there? Tony Martin's there for a week. He's nearly sold out. Hughie's in there for a week. Cody's in there for a week. Heggy's in there for a month. I've got a best of every night at 8.30, which a lot of different people jump in on,

which will be very fun and a late night show Friday Saturday nights at 10.45 if you want to go and see one more show in the festival and have a beer

and of course we're doing a live podcast upstairs in the newly refurbished room upstairs at Morris House yeah Tommy Derslow

we've got to remember it's not the European Beer Cafe anymore you can't get your... There's no use you trying to go in there looking for your Erdingers anymore or anything like that. Oh, please. Please. You mean I can't get any of the world's worst beer anymore?

Sorry, but you're unable to get up with the number one hangover in the world from now on. You're going to have to drink some nice beer from now on. Do you know what they're going to have? I did ask yesterday. I was in there and I was like, are you changing all your to drink some nice beer from now on. Okay. Do you know what they're going to have? I did ask yesterday. I was in there and I was like, are you changing all your beers? And they're like, yeah, yeah, getting rid of all that shit. Great. Okay.

What beer? They're like, I don't know. Like, okay, why would you know? It's only a week away. Yeah. So, yeah, I assume there'll be something good in there. I mean, that's classic, like, big company owning a bar you know owning a lot of venues

of like what beers are you getting in oh I don't drink yeah you know as opposed to the like the bar fly who's like scrounges all their money together

and like imagine owning a bar yeah and then I could just sit here all day and never get kicked out yeah and they're like you know they craft beer heads

so they're getting like you know a grifted tap of serpent's kiss like flown down from Sydney yeah all this kind of shit, so they're getting a grifter tap of Serpent's Kiss flown down from Sydney. All this kind of shit. Yeah, no, they don't. Their fruity beer will just be like Mountain Goat. Yeah, we've gone a bit crafty, a bit hoity-toity. We've got Coopers on tap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's our, I don't know, if you're super weird and you want to try something a little bit different, you can have something that's not made by CUB. All right. Thank you very much to... Last one this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... Oh, okay.

This is weird. Comedy O'Neil. Oh, wow. Yeah. Hey, poofs. I think that's... I think that's... That is one of his kids.

Yeah, right. Yeah, because he named his kid after how he made his money. Right. You know, the same way that you named your kid after... Podcast Dassilo. Thank you. My kid, Podcast Dassilo. Wait, did you just forget what the thing we're doing is called? No, no, no. My kid podcast Dasolo Wait

Did you just forget what The thing we're doing is called? No, no, no I just went Here's a concept You finish it I'm tired Yeah, yeah, yeah

Mad libs And you did it good Alright Thanks guys Thanks for listening Thanks for supporting the show And we will see you next time See you mates