The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 651 - Cameron James & Concetta Caristo

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

We're back on Zoom as we're joined by two of Sydney's finest: CAMERON JAMES and CONCETTA CARISTO. We spend most of our time in the gutter, as Cam shares an explosive revelation about his sexual past with Tommy, Karl's friend has dropped a disturbing fact about the female anatomy, Concetta's read up on soaking, and Tommy's obsessed with g-strings. PLUS Cam spills the beans on what it's like to work at a theatre restaurant, and somehow, even that gets smutty. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Cameron, James and Conchetta Caristo. We are mere days away from our live season, kicking off in Melbourne. Saturdays in April, upstairs at Morris House, 4.30pm, April the 1st, April the 8th, April the 15th and April the 22nd. Great guests locked in for all of them. Excellent. Really great lineups, Tommy. Really looking forward to it. And coming down to see you folks in Melbourne. Heard it's very nice this time of year. Yeah.

Of course, then we shoot up to the hellhole that is Brisbane. No, it's good up there. That is May 20, Saturday afternoon, 3 p.m. Tickets going very quickly for that one show only, even though there's double episodes within the recording. But that's just the one ticket that you can possibly buy up there. So get on that, Brisbaneites. LittleDumbDumbClub.com, hop on them.

Also, if you're listening to this hot off the presses, my show has kicked off at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It's called Scam Artist, March 29 until April 9. Cooper's in, 7.30pm. It's a stand-up show about how my identity got stolen. Really looking forward to doing this one, so come on down and check that out. At some stage over the next 11 days,

we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Cameron James and Conchetta Caristo. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Oh, g'day, dickhead.

And joining us today, all the way from Sydney, Australia. Oh, from our country's capital. Yeah, they're a little more, you know, down here on podcasts, we tell our long stories. But, you know, up there, they're just, it's all punchlines, man. We do our podcasts up there. They do like 10-second podcasts up there, so you might have to just wait a little bit longer than usual, guys, but anyway, welcome into the show. Welcome back, Cam James and Conchetta Caristo.

Yay! Thank you. That's the end of the show guys We like to keep things pretty fucking brief up here Two great guests One of which has had a sex dream about me And also Conchetta's on the show So that's great

How very Sydney of you That's actually interesting you brought that up Because I wanted to I wanted to talk about that a little bit Please, let's get into it. I believe that's what you said in the dream as well. Good lord, I didn't realise

it was that kind of show. Fucking hell. La Porchetta is open for business. Sorry, sorry. This show's getting blue and some of my balls. I want to bust a nut, guys. Carl and I just have that kind of chemistry. Well, yeah, sure.

Maybe you and Carl have that kind of chemistry, but I have something special with Tommy as well, and it's something that I've never actually spoken about on this podcast. Oh, wow. But it is that sometime many years ago, I have had a semi-sexual experience with Tommy Dash. Yeah, yeah. What? A semi. Bone. Boner's had a semi-sexual experience with Tommy Dash. Yeah, yeah. What?

A semi. Bone. Bone has had a boner over Tommy. What? I don't even know if you remember this, Tommy, because you were asleep for it. Was he consenting? No, no, no. We did share an apartment together in Brisbane, so I would like, you know,

there was one day I was limping around a fair bit, so I'd love some answers. This is an exclusive. Cam Bone is the Cosby of Australian comedy. This predates our Brisbane apartment, Tommy. This is a long time ago. It was back when you were living with Tom Ballard in Melbourne and you very kindly let me stay at your apartment while Ballard was away.

Yeah. So I was sleeping in Ballard's room. Yep. And we both gigged together. We had a great night, a few beers, a few Philly cheesesteaks. We're having a good time. I went home early, crashed out. Oh, no.

And then I woke up, I reckon, two hours later. I've never prayed for a bad internet connection more in my life. Are we back? Are we back? I've got a feeling, whatever you say next, I've got a feeling we are going to have a particularly short podcast this week because Tommy edits his show. Is it working?

Can you hear us? Yeah, can you not hear us? I can hear you. Okay, so I woke up about two hours later to what could only be described as the sounds of Tommy Dasolo having incredibly acrobatic sex with his girlfriend at the time. No. Acrobatic?

What does acrobatic mean? You could hear the acrobatics. You could hear the Cirque du Soleil music playing. Could you hear them fall on the net or what? There was a French clown running around. I heard, first I woke up because I heard something smash. No. And I was like, fuck, there's been a break in.

And there was in a way. Wow, he smashed into the back of her. So what was the position? I couldn't hear the position. I was going to ask, could you hear whether it was like vaginal or anal? Oh, my God. Could you hear if it was good or not? It sounded like they were both having a really good time.

That's good. And we were like, whoo! I could hear both of them going like, yes! Weirdly. High five. Pam, are you hearing this? Weirdly, I do have a vivid memory of this because it's the one and only time I've ever done it. So luckily this is seared into my memory.

You've heard 100% of my rooting. That's great. You cop the audio cherry. That's very nice work. It was one of those experiences because I was pretty drunk and I woke up and for a while I was like, this must be a dream. Like, am I darting on to heaven? Because I'm hearing some insane orgasmic noises from male and female.

The room is shaking around me. Were you, like, on board for climax? Did you hear it? Did you pick it? You were like, and now? Three, two, one. Conchita, how sweet of you to assume there would have been a climax. How beautifully naive.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Always leave them wanting more. That's my motto in comedy and in the bedroom. You get the light when you're having sex, right, Dastley? I'm getting the light. That's me. I was going to ask you something you did. Were you running that bedroom?

Yeah. Did you come in and... Yeah. I was like, who books this? In Sydney, you just ring a little bell up there, don't you? You don't shine a light. Now I'll finish on this. And I'll finish on these.

Oh, man, I'll tell you what. You have really played the long game here because I reckon that was like seven years ago. It was such a long time ago. It was about seven years ago. And you've done the pod probably so much. And you're telling... I've never brought it up. Tommy and I have never

spoken about it. How many times have you come onto this podcast with that in the back pocket thinking, this is the one I whip it out on. And then we immediately get into Conchita's sex dream and you're like, if it's not today, then it's never going to happen. I actually thought a long time ago, I thought,

I'm going to let that story just be something special that we share and not something that we give to the listeners. And it wasn't until I re-listened to Conchetta on your live show that I thought, no, it's time. We need to talk about it. Because I don't know if you remember this, Daslo, the next morning I was having breakfast in the kitchen and you came in and apologised. Smoking a cigarette.

Wearing a smoking jacket. You still rock on. You're like, sorry about last night. But you had this smirk on your face like you were not sorry. You were pretty happy with how things went. I fucking hate all of this. Last night, but you had this smirk on your face like you were not sorry. You were pretty happy with how things went. I fucking hate all of this. I hate.

I love that. That's my favorite bit of this story is that you come in with the smirk because that's up there with a friend of the show, Danny McGinley, who's quite want to say to other comics, oh, yeah, man, had a really big session, had sex last night. And it's like, oh, with who? It's like my wife. I don't know if you can brag about that to other people that know each people. I don't know.

It's a weird thing to brag about. Yeah. I guess that deep into a marriage, maybe it is brag worthy. But like, oh, man, this has been the worst seven minutes of my life. That's what she said. Yes. You think you can't hate yourself anymore. You think you're at rock bottom

in terms of your self-esteem and then it's like, yeah, you came in with a little smirk on your face. My fucking God. I was about to go, what are you complaining about? But the smirk has turned that story all around. I'm everything I hate. Oh, Christ.

You were pretty stoked and rightfully so. Sorry, Cam. No to answer your question, Conchita. Sorry, Cam. We weren't having one of our Melbourne earthquakes last night. It's crazy that you were remarking to me when you got in here that it's brick and the walls are really thick and, well, next thing you know.

Do you think it made you closer or sort of set you apart? I think closer. I think closer. You were basically in a threesome, really, in a way. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, I came. I didn't know that much.

Well, that was two of you. That's good. Yeah. I timed it with Dassilo as well. Cam, I'm so sorry. I loved it. I'm not smirking. I want it clear to the listeners.

I'm not smirking seven years on when I used to apologize. He's raising his eyebrows up and down really quickly right now. I have had a lot of elbows to the ribcage through this story. Yeah, he's pretty proud of it on this end. Well, Conchita, I imagine this is the same sort of stuff that was going on when Chet Faker called in this morning into your radio show, so apologies that you're retreading exactly

the same conversation topics. I prefer this stuff. I like the dirty stuff, so keep it coming. You were riffing all over a similar story with the Sandman this morning on the radio on Triple J, I imagine, so yeah. Nah, too old of a reference for Conchita. The Sandman. No, the Sandman. morning on the radio on Triple J, I imagine. So, yeah. Nah, too old of a reference for Concerto. The Sandman.

No, the Sandman. Is that? Not Adam Sandler. There was a comedian called the Sandman from back in the day. I thought the Sandman was Kyle Sanderland. Oh, yes. You wish, Jellyfish. I do wish.

I respect the hell out of that guy. That'd be a good tour. Sanderlands, the Sandman and Adam Sandler. They do a Bill three-way show. It's like The Bens. Yeah, yes. Sand comedy. Fucking hell.

Well, Cam, I really could have used this good promotion back when I was single. I wouldn't have minded this. I wouldn't have minded this being in the public sphere back then. Now you're locked down. Well, it's a bit of... Feel free to get your girlfriend to listen to this because I'm happy to say on the record it sounded like you knew what you were doing.

That's great. On the tools. It sounded like you knew your way around that area. See, again, I should have hit you up for a quote for my festival show poster. You know, just in quotation marks. Never seen a minute of his comedy, but I've heard him fucking through a wall

and God damn it, Cam James. This guy will blow out someone's back. I don't know if I mentioned it, but the sex dream I had about Carl was Carl poking me while Cameron was in the room. Oh, true. No, you didn't mention it.

It's weird. No one asked me. Was I jacking off or was I going, no. No, guys Knock it off What was my technique like Cam? Did I know my way around Or what was going on? I've never had a sex dream about you so I don't know

But I'd happily come around and Listen to you and she who shall not be named If you'd like Great Staying in the gutter If we can and listen to you and she who shall not be named, if you'd like. Yeah, great. Well, staying in the gutter, if we can. Yeah, why not? I'll allow it. I was talking a couple of weeks ago to someone who was talking to a single person

and they were doing a thing where they're talking quite grottily like that and they'd picked up someone. And if I may, the terms that they were talking in, just in terms of like, journalistically, this is none of my opinion. You would never speak like this. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Certainly not in front of a lady.

Exactly. The widest of knights himself. I would never talk like that. It would come from my mouth. But you would in front of a whore, like me. In front of a dirty, stinking Italian whore. Jesus Christ. So duking, didn't you?

A Mediterranean coos like you. I'm actually glad we're on Zoom and not in the same room anymore. This is good to have a bit of distance from you guys. It's been good for me for the last couple of minutes. It's been very easy to avoid eye contact with a tiny little window. Yeah, your face is barely on the screen. You've receded into the corner. I was talking to a friend who's single and he's now out there meeting ladies.

And he was describing being with someone. And I didn't get the full description, but I can only imagine that they were younger than him. Because he was going, oh my God, it was amazing. Having sex with this girl was amazing. They were so tight. They were so tight. It gets worse, if you'll allow me. Cam, any other stuff you heard about me through the wall?

any other stuff you heard about me through the wall? I'm just giving you more dream photo, you know. So he goes, this is this guy trying to impress me or trying to say that this is a good thing. Oh, this girl, she was so tight down there. It felt so good. It was like Mike Tyson had a grip of my dick. It was so good. Shut up. And I was like, are had a grip of my dick. It was so good. Shut up.

And I was like, are you listening to yourself? Why do you think that's good? Why is your fantasy? She's sick. She must be sick for it to be that dark. Why would you not just say, former heavyweight champion, Mike Tyson was jacking you up? What? It shouldn't feel like that.

It was so good. It was like Evander Holyfield was sucking my dick. It was so good. It was like, have you ever seen Rumble in the Jungle? It was like the final round of Rumble in the Jungle. They were playing rope-a-dope with my dick. Yeah, they were rope-a-doping my dick. They had my balls up against the rope.

It was so good. You know, the ideal session. Yeah. I just can't get it. I can't believe you said that because I like one of the first things that like happened to me when I started doing stand up that I tried doing a bit about was how my friend we were like in this lake. We were hanging out and she was telling me about this guy she was sleeping with. And she was like, Conchita, this guy pulled me aside after sex. And he was like, look, generally, when you have sex with a lady, sure, it feels tight when you put it in.

But he was like, with you, it was so tight. It was so ridiculously tight. It was amazing. It was the best sex I've ever had. And I was like, fucking hell. What have I got? No one's pulled me aside to be like, listen, sweetie, you've got some crazy tight pussy.

I just couldn't. There's like, it's so funny for a guy to be like, tight, tight, tight, tight. Pressure. Oh, look, I think that's so much better than going, this is how good it was. It was like a large black man jacking me off. That's how good. That's how good.

Picture the face tattoos. Like if a labia flaps had one of the Tyson tattoos. I was like, it was like the hand that goes in the crevice in 127 hours. That's how tight it seemed. I had to fucking chew my dick off. He couldn't pull it out. I hate tight pussy. I like a roomy pussy.

My dick doesn't like to be claustrophobic. I'm the same. My dick was like Winnie the Pooh in a pot of honey. It was just rammed in there. I like my real estate. You know, a lot of room. I like to have people over. I like my buddies to come around.

Yeah, three mil starting price minimum is what I want. I want spacious. How old is your single friend, Chandler? Great question. Above the age of 30. Okay. All right. It's insane to be still talking about type pussy.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Fucking 14-year-olds. It really gives off the vibe of not like, oh, this is a cool thing. It gives off the vibe of, I don't think you've had sex very often. Yes! Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah.

I've talked on the show before about a friend of mine at high school who just was, like, obsessed with the concept of anal, but before any of us had started going anywhere near the content you know the concept of sex this is like right so you know for like 14 15 he's never had vaginal and he's talking about anal yeah yeah yeah never like kissed like one girl and then he's like boys how good is anal gonna be and we're all like oh man i mean just be nice to be in the conversation generally just like so he's just a gay guy, really. It was like we'd go, man, why are you so obsessed with anal?

And one day he just goes, think about it, boys. It's a natural cylinder. What? It's a natural cylinder. Yeah. But what does that mean? Like, I don't know. It's just like it's all, you know, it's just all there.

But what's the difference between that and the vagina thing? I don't know. I don't know. And it was like, it was kind of this like funny thing you know it always like bringing this up and we'd be like man you're there's something wrong with you but like you know you just find it kind of funny and then there was one night where we were doing this like about like 10 of us having a sleepover at this girl's house and it's like half guys half girls and we've all been just sort of watching movies and stuff. And we're all kind of like falling asleep. Lights have just gone out. It's like maybe 10 minutes later, some people are still awake.

And this friend of mine just goes, so any of you girls done anal? It's like me and my mate are like, I think it's time to take him outside and have a chat of like, because it's also like we've just met these girls and it's like, you know, you go into like the meeting a group of girls at that age and you're like, this could be all of us meeting our girlfriends here. It's like the stakes are so high. It's like, brother, you're killing us with this late night chat. You can't be doing this at the sleepovers.

Imagine even just in that position, imagine even saying, have any of you girls ever had vaginal sex? I don't know if that's better or worse, but that's fucking bizarre to go straight to the bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys ever had vaginal sex like that i don't know if that's better or worse but that's fucking bizarre to go straight to the bum yeah yeah yeah you guys ever had vaginal yeah wow i mean where do we go from here we've soared pretty close to the sun this early on yeah yeah jesus christ i do like the idea that you're that you're mate it's like it's just before you've even had sex ed so he's just assumed you know sex is like he's just assumed all girls have big dongers. Yeah, yeah.

And then he's finally gone to sex ed and then the next sleepover he's like, we found another hole. Eureka. Because I, hey, sorry. I was just going to say, sorry, this just popped into my head. Have you guys heard about soaking? I just heard about soaking as a thing. Yeah, I think so that mormons do i can't believe it's real where like they they don't they can't have sex so they stick the penis

in the vagina and they don't move and they get someone to jump up and down on the bed oh what i love these little loopholes extreme religions where they're like yeah yeah, it's not sex. I'm just laying on her and in her and three of my buddies are rocking the plane. That's got extreme vibes of being a kid and doing whirlwinds with your arms and going, I'm not going to hit you, but if you happen to be in my way, that's your problem.

Stop fucking yourself. Stop fucking yourself. And I wanted to ask you guys, who would be your guy that you'd let jump on the bed because I asked this to my boyfriend. I was like, so who would you get to jump on the bed if you stuck it in me and you couldn't move? And he was like, Conchita, I'm not answering that. And I was like, please.

Yeah, I mean, I was going to say that's the one element that could have made Cam's story from before worse seven years ago, just like peering through the wall, it's in, and then Cam, get in here! I need some inertia. Quick jump on the bed! It's not my car, can I have a push start though? Yeah, who would you want? Who would you call in? Because you would, if you're in that world, you'd

have to have a go-to. You'd have to have one ready to go. I'd probably get Hughesy to do it. Oh, so it's a business connection. Yeah, so I can network at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, horny.

Come on, mate. Hurry up and blow your load. Got a gig to get to. Do you just have the same person on call For any time you're going to do it Where it's like you just have this buddy system Where if either one of you is about to score You get to get on the phone and be like

Hey, I know, I know It's three in the afternoon I wasn't expecting it either I know you're at work But I need you to come and do some bouncing You've got to Because then I think that would be a flawed relationship Because I reckon you'd have to have a bounce buddy.

Let's call it that. You'd have to have a bounce buddy that you invite over. Now, no two guys have the exact same amount of sex. It'd have to be a horrible moment where some guy's like, man, I'm fucking always coming over to your place. I'm doing a hell of a lot of bouncing. I'm doing way more bouncing than you. I'm having to do a lot of jumping up and down on the ceiling.

Can I just, you know, can I get my feet off the posturepedic for fucking two seconds here and you come around to my place? That's it, yeah. It's like if you're housemates and you, if you put a sock on the door, normally that's code for don't come in, but this time it's, can you please put these socks on and jump on the bed? Yeah, yeah. I don't want your grubby feet on my bed as I'm rooting this woman.

Yeah, if the pogo sticks outside the door, you know what that means. Get in there and start bouncing. I'm having a soap. They call it soaking because your dick just gets soaked, I guess. It comes out all wrinkly and groovy. Why is it any less soaked than normal sex? That's weird. I don't know about you guys, but my dick gets pretty soaked the normal way.

I've got a pretty dishpan dick. In the ass. My own ass. I mean, that does. That's like, you know, that removes the housemate scenario where they're like, heard you rooting through the wall last night. You know, if it's like, yeah, heard you fucking last night, sounded like quite a performance.

It's like, yeah, bro, you were in the room bouncing us. That's like, you deserve at least half of the credit. You were providing them. That was really loud next door. Did I hear an African-American man? Was that Mike Tyson in your bedroom with you? What was going on there? I heard an African-American man with a lisp, so it had to have been Mike.

Look, I hope you took protection. I hope you left the glove on at the very least. Do you think – sorry if this is like a kind of an antiquated kind of question to ask, but do you think it's – Do you think we should go back to – Do you think it's right to have sex? But do you think women should vote? I don't think we should go back to it? Do you think it's right to have sex? But do you think women should vote? I don't think they should.

Is it the man's responsibility to supply the bouncer? Or is this just like a, you know, you're having a discussion. It's like, look, I'm happy to do this if you want. I'm happy to get on the phone. But maybe you know someone who lives around the corner who could come in. Yeah. Great question. I think that's a great question.

I think that's fascinating great question i think that's fascinating and um i think that is like is it okay to have a is it okay to have a female bouncer conchetta would you be a bouncer um yeah yeah for my best friend yeah yeah i would do that for her great i'd bounce i would shout i would sing i would give her whatever she needed to add to the vibe it's so funny because like i haven't had a threesome yet. No, I'm kidding, but I haven't. And so I think about how couples do the thing where they look for a third. And I feel like that needs them both across who that person is.

Maybe it would be like that for the bouncer. You need both on it. Do you like to jump? Right. You need to go to a trusted person. You're at a party. You as the couple, you bring this third person back and they're like, all right, my first threesome.

They're taking their clothes off and you're like, well, you can leave them on actually. We literally just need you to. Take your shoes off but leave the rest of the clothes on. Even the socks, keep them on first very much. And I guess you'd be looking for just like a really sturdy looking, like stocky person who gets it.

Like you'd have your whole technique down. You'd be like, we know we need low center of gravity. You need the opposite of one of those beds that they always advertise where it's like, look, you can jump on one corner of the bed and you can have a glass of water on this end of the bed and nothing happens. That's fucking a waste of our time, guys. That's not what we're into. We need a lumpy-ass bed.

I don't know if this is a crazy idea, but what if we could choose one profession where they have to add to their job title being bouncers for people? So I'm talking like, would you go fire? What are they called? Fire fighters? Or like priests?

No, not priests. Or like mayors? We have to draw the line. Mayors, police. You get to pick one profession where it's like... They also have to do that. They also need to be young. Like a civil servant.

They work for the government. They're in local council and they have to bounce people. Or what other occupation would suit it better, do you think? Would firefighters be better at it? What are the people who you have to take your stuff and they have to notarise it or whatever? A notary public? No, it's just a hard name.

They're only at libraries and they, like, if you have a document. I swear to God, it's a notary public. It's a notary public, isn't it? Yeah. You just spat all over me, by the way. I'm getting excited. I'm getting flashbacks from the dust. It's like, is there a leak in here?

Through the walls? No, fuck you. Justice of the peace. Fuck you. Justice of the peace. J-O-P. Justice of the peace. What else do they do?

Just add that to their resume. Yeah, that's true. Any jobs where it's like a lot of, you know. Like a council worker that holds a stop sign. Okay, they can go and do that. And they're all, I don't know if you've noticed, quite beautiful these days. We've talked about this. There's hotties getting that job.

You said that so earnestly. I've stopped reporting on it. There's so many hotties that are in high viz now. It's crazy. Yeah, beautiful Irish broads for the most part. There's a lot of Colleens. A lot of Colleens coming over from the old country. Holding the stop sign, wearing a pink little hat.

They look beautiful. Do you give them a little compliment as you go by? I tell them, I go, girls, you're doing a beautiful job. Stop sign. Top of the morning to you, Cameron. You look like Mike Tyson. Yeah, I do that. They'll hold a stop sign.

I'm like, lucky you're holding that sign. Otherwise, I wouldn that. They'll hold a stop sign. I'm like, lucky you're holding that sign, otherwise I wouldn't. Holy shit. I think a good one to have as the slash jumper, bouncer, would be parking inspectors. If they're busy jumping in to handle routes, that's keeping them off the streets. We're all getting less fines.

Then we're getting our rocks off and we're saving $250 for forgetting to put coins in the meter. If this is like, this is the ultimate. Oh my God. That's such a great call. Totally. Because people hate them.

We're like, these are the scum of the earth. They need to give back. Yeah. It's their way of flipping the PR. And they don't want to be doing that. They're just doing that because, you know, nothing else worked out. So it's like now they're contributing to making future generations, helping people have some good, clean, honest fun.

I love the way you just said getting rocks off. Hearing that just made me so horny. Because it's like I haven't heard that expression probably since I was 15 years old. It is really old school. I can't wait to – I hope I get my rocks off You haven't heard You haven't heard

You haven't heard that expression For about seven years Muffled through the walls When I heard it yell I'm getting my rocks off It's happening My rocks are getting off My rocks are about to be off

Oh my rocks are off I'm rockless I'm absolutely rockless See you rocks. That rocks. Aussie Seinfeld, just to reboot, and they're all just about Aussie vernacular. You rocks? Where are your rocks even on to begin with?

Are your rocks your balls? Ah, yeah. I've never really thought about it. I guess they are. And your balls, as we all know, come flying out of your dick when you come. Because it is, it's a male saying, isn't it? Conchita, are the ladies using the phrase getting your rocks off? No, we say we get our titties out. Yeah, nice.

Hell yeah, dude. That's cool. Wow. There's so much I didn't know. I feel like that guy that only knew about anal. Yeah. What are some other female lonely expressions? Oh, yeah.

Let's get lit. Let's get lit. He sucked my titty. All right. A lot of tit bases. Wow. This is a real Dolly Seals section. Yeah.

I didn't know any of this stuff. I once said that as my opening line at the store as a dad. I think I was there. Yeah, I think so. You dared her. And I remember it didn't really land at all. People are like, that's not a phrase. What else?

What are some other ones? Surely there's others. Let's get my mood on lock. Really? Mood on lock? Mood on lock. Mood on fleek. By the way, I say that to my wife every time we have sex.

I go, honey, your mood was on fleek tonight. Can I just say? Honey, your mutt was on fleek tonight. Can I just say? Honey, I've got to tell you that mutt is on fleek. Mutt and on fleek. Two things you just didn't think would come together. And it worked.

It worked. My mutt ain't wrong. It's begging for a footlong. Yeah. It's begging for dong. There we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good Lord.

Oh, God. I feel tapped out. Should we talk about politics now? Yeah, let's finally get into it. We need to pivot into something else. Yeah. We need to just take a bit of a breath. It's like a stand-up comedy gig, and Chappelle's been on for three hours, and then it's like me coming on going, you guys, what's up with ladders? It's like a stand-up comedy gig and Chappelle's been on for three hours and then it's like me coming on going,

you guys, what's up with ladders? It's like, yuck. Cam, what I wanted to ask you about was I think you mentioned this to me in Brisbane and I think I knew it before. I'm pretty sure we haven't ever gone into this on the pod, is that a seminal part of your years growing up in Newcastle was that you worked at a theatre restaurant. Oh.

This is the best fact about camp. And there's so much to love about camp. This is one of my favourites. Why do you hide all this stuff? Working in a theatre restaurant, your name's Bone. What's fucking wrong with you? I've heard Tommy have sex. You've got to wait for the perfect time to roll it out.

You've got to play the long game. I've repressed a lot of stuff in my life. Yeah, why were we talking about theatre restaurants? Had I just been to Dracula's or something again? I go to Dracula's at least once a year on the Gold Coast. Is it good? Because when I stay at the Gold Coast, I stay near Dracula's. It's so good.

Seriously, Carl, please go. I went with Ben and it was one of the greatest nights of my life. And they pulled Ben up because it's interactive. And Ben was so uncomfortable. It was so funny. I've got it all on film. What did they make him do? They sucked him dry.

What the heck? Wait, what? I thought that was supposed to be after blood, not cum. Ben tried to play along, like presenting his neck, and Dracula just like, lower. Show me that dick neck. You just hear that Looney Tunes noise of exiting and a big dust cloud while Cam leaves the studio to get back there.

No, I think they get closer. It's like a very slutty vibe, you can attest to this, and they just get him on and it's like, I don't know, it's all filmed so everyone can see it from every angle. I think they like kind of do a lot of sexual innuendo and kind of like a bit of a dance, like a sexy kind of dance. So is it bad? So sexual.

Is it bad or is it good? Well, Conchita and I are going to have different answers here. I think it's genuinely some of the worst entertainment and i think it's some of the best but but i i love it because it's full cheese you know like i love how cheesy it is and also yeah i worked when I was 21. I worked at Newcastle's knockoff version of Dracula. Oh, yes. Which was called The Cabin. The Cabin Club?

Hang on. It's vampire based and it's called The Cabin. Is that what's happening? Yeah, like a cave, I guess, like a bat's cave. Oh, okay. That's a long bow, isn't it? Huge long bow. But you huge long bow and so this like lady australia's the beatles you got your start at the cabin oh yeah in my 10 000 hours at the

cabin club um so the lady who ran it and owned it she was a hairdresser in newcastle and then she went on a trip a girl's trip to the gold coast went to dracula's loved it and then came back and was like i'm restructuring the business it's no longer a hairdresser's business i'm turning it into a theater restaurant oh no no experience with food or entertainment and she just gutted her hair it was in the same hairdresser. It was in the same venue. It was in the salon. So the audience are in these really big chairs.

They're having to put on a little smock to eat their dinner. They have to put one of those big curling things over their heads. It was like they gutted the salon. Because a hairdresser is traditionally not the same shape as a restaurant, I would say No, no, no It's a long, narrow, sort of tiled Maybe the sink where you're washing the hair, you can maybe still use that And that's about it

Yeah, it's a double wide, so it's not just your gun barrel classic salon shape It's pretty wide They put a stage down one end and then they cordoned off a corner of it and turned that into like a makeshift kitchen that had like a deep fryer and a freezer and a microwave. That's what I like about somewhere when you go to eat dinner, having a makeshift kitchen. Yeah.

Not a kitchen. Yeah. And so like to get to the job there, i went for a job as a bartender there was also a bar in one other corner and to be employed there you had to work bar also work a deep fryer and also sing and dance oh yes what can you? So I had to do all those things. And that's why Cam's the perfect catch. That's why I'm the triple threat. He can cook. He can pour a drink.

He can sing Robbie Williams' Rock DJ. Oh, nice. And so is the shows every night kind of on rails, so you would be like serving drinks and deep frying stuff and you would know like at 8.15 I'd get up and do this song or was it like more of a Johnny Rockets style situation where it's like without warning you could be called upon to do a number? It's pretty much on rails but then the second half of the show

is a bit of a free-for-all where people can just select whatever songs they want to do from the karaoke system. And so every now and then the lady would just come over and thrust a microphone in your hand and be like, go, go, go, and you just have to jump up and start singing whatever it is that's on. Is there any vampire element in this show at all? Yeah, she was dressed as a vampire. She was dressed as a sexy vampire.

And guess what? Her tits were out, Conchita. That's how we do it. I like this idea of going up and seeing Dracula and coming back and going, well, look, we can't afford to get the rights off Bram Stoker. So I guess we're just calling it the cavern. We're going to be an Aldi Dracula. Speaking of rights, the character I played,

and I think Conchita already knows this, is I played Captain Jack Sparrow from the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, wow. There's a lot going on. So I just had like a pirate outfit. Yeah. And I had to, she tried to get me to talk like Johnny Depp in that movie. That's awesome.

So I would just have to walk around being like, ooh, where's the rum gone? Oh, hello, where's the rum gone? Ooh. Hello, me hearties. Like, there's nothing spooky about it at all. And there's like a zombie guy who's just a hot guy who's painted his body a bit green. Oh, man.

This sucks. There's no sort of like overarching concept. It's just like. No world building. Zero world building. It's a Justice League of fucking monsters or whatever. This is like you watching Endgame without having

seen any of the other Marvel movies. It's like, why are all these fucking people hanging out together? It doesn't make any sense. Wait, there's magic in this? Who's the magician? What was your pirate character? What was the name? Was it kind of like a Mad Magazine style,

like spoof of Jack Sparrow or something? Spack Jarrow or what was it? Yeah, you're going to love this. The name was Captain Jack Sparrow. Yeah. Okay. I can see why she wanted you to do the Johnny Depp voice. It makes a lot of sense.

Okay, so they were too scared of the estate of Bram Stoker, but they weren't particularly fussed with Walt Disney. Right. I think they picked the bigger enemy there, I think. And one of my best friends, a guy called Nick, he was playing Heath Ledger's Joker. So he had to have the Heath Ledger Joker make up, and he'd walk around being like,

why are you so serious and stuff like that. People fucking loved him. And when serious and stuff like that people fucking love when you say stuff like that that's the only thing that's it so this is he'd say stuff like why so serious and what drink would you like this just sounds more like someone's halloween party this isn't a theater restaurant this is just like whatever costume you can get your hands on whack it on and come on into work and make a g well it ended up getting shut down it got shut down about a year after i i was started there i was about to say did you did you quit or did it get shut down first what what was the it got shut down i was still working there we um had a big

night one night big saturday night and you know it was like packed so like 60 people you know and uh halfway through the night all the lights just got turned on and there was undercover cops inside the theater restaurant so everyone was dressed up in this joint and their characters were more convincing i thought you were a mummy i can't believe you lied to me. There was like five undercover cops and they'd been staking the place out apparently over a month because this lady who ran the company did not have a license to sell alcohol. Oh,

wow. And there was obviously a bar and three or four of the employees didn't have RSAs. And also she didn't have a licence to have a commercial kitchen and serve food in this venue as well. She only had the licence to dress up as a sexy vampire. Yeah, yeah. She barely had the licence to do a burn.

Yeah. But even with that, she's getting off easy because there's, like, blatant copyright IP theft going on. Exactly. So it was, like,. So it was like a raid. All these cops were there. Everyone got kicked out. And then she got handed this fine

in front of all of us. It's just like Al Capone. They didn't get you for the big intellectual property thing. They got you on the chicken nuggets. On a technicality. They got us on the deep fryer in the end. And I think she ended up getting Like a $500,000 fine

Wow And she fought it in court for a little while But by that time I quit And a bunch of other shit happened Like not long after it got shut down The restaurant got robbed And the sound system got stolen And everyone was like

She did it herself It was an inside job. She was like stolen from her own company for insurance reasons and all that shit. It was so cool. Did that send shockwaves through the community? Through the theatre restaurant community in Newcastle. That place and Dracula's Felt.

Yeah, they heard about this up on the Goldie. Was there any competitors? One of our own went down, boys. Was there any competitors in Newcastle or was that the only thing? Yeah, there was one other one. There was a place called Dirty Dicks. That's more like it. Hey, they need to start soaking.

That's their problem. And Dirty Dicks was like Prohibition-era gangster theme. Just with Frankenstein in the middle of it as well, I presume. Not much room for Jack Sparrow in there, although Johnny Depp, Dirty Dick. I had a very specific set of skills, so I couldn't transfer her over to Dirty Dicks. But I don't know if I told, did I tell you this, Conchita? The lady who ran the place, she would have after parties back at her house after Saturday night shows. Like, she fully treated it like show business.

Oh, wow. After parties after a restaurant night. After a Saturday night. So, like, we'd finish the crowd leave. Everyone's cleaning up the kitchen and the bar. And then she'd be like, all right, after party back at mine. And we'd all go back to hers. Still in costume.

Yeah, probably. And she wanted it to be like Hollywood. It was pretty wild. She had a hot tub in her backyard and a tiki bar and stuff. Tipping off the local paps that they can get a good show. But I remember, I think I said this to you, Conchita, so apologies. But I remember I had to clean the bar, so I was late. So I locked up the restaurant.

I got to her party late. And when I got there, everyone was drinking in the living room. And she was out back in the hot tub with one of the guys that worked there. Which character? He was a character called Voodoo, and he was like a sexy Voodoo character guy. Just a hot 18-year-old dude with a good rig called Voodoo. And so I walked out into the backyard to say hi, and she was sitting in the hot tub,

and he was standing up in the hot tub, and she was sucking his dick. What? I mean, that's why she did it. That would be. She just goes for what she wants. She's got such a hot spot. I love it.

Such a crazy life. That would be great if Voodoo had a pin dick. That would be good. I think he was hung, man, from memory. You think you're getting off the smut and you think like, Cam, tell us about working at a theater restaurant. Expect that it's going to end with someone getting sucked off, standing up in a hot tub.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I took us back down to the gutter, but that that's a defining memory from my dad. That's amazing. Can I ask the, the show that is on in this theatre restaurant,

do you remember much about the storyline to it? Oh, yeah. Was there a storyline? Yeah. So there wasn't, but then there was another guy, an older guy that was an old theatre dude from Newcastle. His name was Anthony. He started working there about six months into me being there,

and he tried to introduce a storyline to it, which meant that the cast had to come and do rehearsals with this guy. And he was like a true director, theatre guy. It's like cabaret. It's like all that jazz. He's trying to teach these dipshit like stoners choreography and no one was listening. and the only storyline i can remember was that it was a um they wanted to include the captain jack sparrow character more i guess i was

a hit and i am interested in the story that could fit together voodoo captain jack sparrow a vampire the joker like yeah yeah i think the storyline from memory was that Captain Jack Sparrow was trying to recruit a new team of evil people to go on a ship with him to go and do some kind of mission. So the through line was that I was trying to recruit people throughout the show and they would get up and do a song and that would like showcase their skill. To audition to be on this to audition for my we need we need we need a new person to rape and pillage can you uh sing us a tune they'd be like three three chicks on stage you know i'd be like um i i want you i want you

on my ship like but what can you bring to the table? And they'd be like, well, we're a bunch of single ladies. And then Beyonce would start. And they'd start doing single ladies. Wow. Look, that's great. My mind immediately went to a set up like, oh, I wish I'd had you five years ago. How could I do that? Well, I guess let's do the time warp again.

Yeah. We did close on time warp. Oh, there we go. This does stress me out hearing about this because it's like just what a different time of writing it was before the like kind of huge cultural understanding of the multiverse. You know, if you were writing that now, it would just be like, yeah, Jack Sparrow goes through a fucking portal and then he's in Frankenstein land.

You know what I mean? Like having to be like, oh, God, just up all night. Like, oh, how do we get all these people in the same room? How do we get him to Arkham Asylum? He's got to break the Joker out somehow. I think Joker's song was crazy by Niles Barker. That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful. It's literally only the hits. Joker out somehow. I think Joker's song was Crazy by Niles Barnett. Yes! That's so good.

It's literally only the hits. I would love that. It's so awesome. I'd love to see some negative Google reviews about that. About, like, people in Newcastle. Really? No, but people in Newcastle on, like, 10 o'clock on a Saturday night going, wow, the context was ruined for me.

I mean, I've had 17 cocktails, but that was more like Jack Nicholson's Joker than Heath Ledger. The makeup ruined it for me. I was told that this was Newcastle's answer to Dracula's On The Gold Coast and it left me sorely wanting. Did it get slammed on the Google reviews? Yeah, that was a huge deal for everyone. It was like a big part of our team guys you're

all huddled around the computer that was that was do you think we're gonna make it to broadway guys the press were in last night two star sloppy blowjob at best from voodoo but i reckon conchetta i could see you thriving in the theatre restaurant. Really? Yes. You're a star. You've got star qualities. What character would Conchita play?

What do you see yourself as? A seductress or a clown? Maybe more a clown. Well, Conchita, we talked the last time you were on about how we first met you when you were working at Giant Dwarf after one of our live shows, mopping up piss and booze. So what better preparation for singing cats and serving lasagna to people than what you had to experience in there?

I thought you were going to say the hunchback of Notre Dame. I was like, yeah, I could do that. We need to play to your strengths, so we're thinking the hunchback of not true i was like yeah i could do that we need to play to your strength so we're thinking a hunchback oh my god that's such a compliment can you sing are you a singer i think i could but then i've used my voice appallingly in the last you know five years of comedy so i can't i don't have the range but i think i could get back there maybe you could rap maybe you could do like uh like nicki minaj type thing yeah yeah rap and twerk yeah talking of live shows uh you were basically i think that yeah our last live one in melbourne concerto there's this you can still find on facebook cam james saying on facebook oh, I can't wait to see Tommy and Carl in the little dum-dum club tonight going to the comedy store in 2012 or something.

Got my ticket all excitedly like a little fucking nerd. Hang on, is this real? Yes. Whoa. I was bragging about coming to see you guys live. You publicly said, because I know that you did it, and I think Nina did it as well. You're on record as being fans of us, you fucking loser.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. I remember going with Nina to see you guys at the store, and we saw Eddie Ift's show as well. It might have been the same night or another night. Shut up, man. I'm a fan. What's more embarrassing than someone hearing you root through a wall,

being busted going to a live podcast? Fuck you, mate. You got me. I reckon that's nice. That's actually nice. No, it's sweet. I like that you can lean into being earnest like that. Yeah.

I can't believe I posted that. What was better? Who put on a better show, us or the Newcastle off-brand illegal Dracula show? Definitely. Okay, I'll say this for the cabin. This is the final thing I'll say about the cabin. They had a segment of their show which was a strip tease. I don't know if they still do that at Dracula's,

but they clearly ripped it from Dracula's where they'd be like, are there any hens in tonight? And the hens would go. Always, presumably at least 20. Always. Any given night. Always hens. And the hens would come up on stage and then just whatever male cast members

were in that night had to get up and do a strip to you can leave your hat on for these hens. And so, like, most of these men were cast to be, like, really hot. They were just, like, hot dudes except dudes, except for me and my friend Nick, who were just normal guys. And often it would just be us having to strip down to a G-banger in front of these hands. What? You did this?

You did it? Yeah, I did it, man. I did it. I fucking stripped. It's like Magic Mike. I had to strip down to a G-banger and give a lap dance to these girls in the pre-Me Too era. And I just remember looking at some of their faces

and just knowing that they were having the worst night of their lives. Just watching some woman's face while she's just like, no, you don't have to, no. Was your heart not in it? I was so depressed. It might have been one of the lowest points in my life did you have any body dysmorphia yeah hated my body and also i was going through a breakup at the time so it was a rough a rough time in my life oh no one wants a

sad stripper that's i'm saying all this to them while i'm on their laps oh yeah so yeah. So you came in, as soon as you've deep fried the chicken nuggets, then you're whipping off your dags, getting it out. Yeah, because this is the thing. It's like you're going into this job, just so you know, a very demanding job. You're going to have to work the deep fryer. You're going to have to make cocktails. You're going to have to sing and dance.

And then you're like, that sounds like a lot, but I reckon I can handle it. And then all of a sudden you're in the door, and then you get this whipped on you. Oh, and also every now and then you are going to have to bump and grind yourself. Did we mention after the nuggets or before, I meant to mention

you had to get your dick out. Did I say that? And by the way, the women will hate it. So did you? I did it twice, I think. I did the strip twice and then I tried to make it funny the third time because I hated it so much and I was so distressed. So I put on like a – this sounds so bad now in the year that we're currently living in.

But I put on women's underwear underneath my costume. Hell, yes. So that I would strip down to a bra and G-Banger and it would be a hilarious joke. And I just remember doing that thinking this is going to be so funny and just dead silence. Come down. Just the hens being like, what is this?

Come down to Newcastle the year 2006 the only theatre restaurant where the concept is transvestites. Come down on a Friday night. It's rough. That's brave, man. That's really brave. So does that mean that once you did that, you were then relieved

of your stripping duties? Yeah. I got banned from stripping. Take it seriously, man. She's like, I know what you're trying to do. I know you're trying to have a bit of fun with it, but that's not what this is. This is a sexy part of the show. Dinner restaurants are not about fun, okay? I'm actually getting fucking hives just talking about this all my life again.

You've reminded me of something, Cam cam when you mentioned women's underwear i was thinking a while ago i was thinking about how that period speaking of my friend being obsessed with anal when we were in high school that period that you go through as a young man where you're just obsessed with the concept of the g-string when you just kind of like first coming of age and like so much of your day is just like spotting, spotting your G-string. And so when we first went into lockdown at the start of 2020, I'd been seeing my girlfriend for a few months, and this just popped into my head, and I just found it so funny,

just imagining being like a mid-30s man who's just still obsessed with G-strings. So I just would like constantly be saying to my girlfriend around the house that she was like spending more and more time at my place because, you know, we'd been seeing each other for a bit longer when the lockdowns are happening. g-strings so i just would like constantly be saying to my girlfriend around the house that she was like spending more and more time at my place because you know been seeing each other for a bit longer the lockdowns are happening and so i was just this running thing of me going you were you wearing a g-string she's like i'm never gonna wear a g-string i'm in my 30s they're uncomfortable i'm never wearing a fucking g-string shut up and then we had like my the first birthday

that i had while we were together was in a lockdown. And I got up in the morning and just walking around, and my girlfriend's like, wish me a happy birthday. And then we had to do some pod stuff over Zoom, so I was kind of doing that for most of the day. And then late in the day, I give my girlfriend a hug, and I just kind of notice, I'm like, are you wearing a G-string? And she just looks up at me and she goes, happy birthday. Oh, yes! And she goes, happy birthday.

Oh, yes. And she goes, fuck, it's been annoying me that you've been sitting there doing the fucking podcast. Wear this thing all day and wait for you to notice it. But then it gets even worse because she's like, I thought this would be a funny bit to do as a present, but we're in lockdown. No stores are open. I just thought of this the other day.

Oh, no. So she just had to go to the supermarket and just get, like, a regular pair of underwear. Oh, and made her own. Cut them herself. No. DIY. And so I'm like, I hate to be this guy.

I know this is improper to say, but you've got to give me a look. And so she, like, drops her pants, turns around, just all, like, jagged cuts. Jagged. I'm like, yeah, turns around, it's like just all like jagged cuts. Jagged! Just cut to an angle. I'm like, yeah, that looks like it hurts. A kid in a Thai Nike factory has made their own G-string. Wow.

I've never heard of a homemade G-string. A homemade G-string as a birthday present. What do you get the man who has everything? Oh, good. God almighty. So I think she's still floating around the house somewhere, so I think I could bust it out if they ever bring back the cavern. I'd be ready to go.

You should. So, yeah, boys were a bit obsessed with G-strings. What were girls obsessed with? I was obsessed. Just you saying that brought back memories of like, I don't know, maybe I was brought up pretty sheltered, but it was like I was spotting them too as a girl. I was like, whoa, that's crazy.

She must be so promiscuous. You know, like I don't know why it must have been so less normal. Did you like think like that's what a grown-up wears, that's grown-up underwear that's grown up on the yeah well i think it had such ties to like sexiness yeah yeah once you have sex once you give your first blow job here you go you go you can you can have one annoying to mayor gives it to you it's like it's the sash that the mayor is wearing the mayor of the mayor of club x hands it over to you once that happens if you ever had the moment at school where you spotted a teacher wearing one, that was

like seeing the face of God. I've never seen that. That's crazy. I can't even imagine that. Yeah, we had a teacher who wore one once and it was like, we can't believe what we see. It's so funny that Carl and me just got really serious then. Oh, wow. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to imagine one of my teachers. Tell us more. I can't even, like, I grew up in Maryborough, population 8,000 people. I can't even imagine anyone in that entire town having a G-Banger when I was in school. Not even one person. I might start wearing them. I might just start wearing them and just kind of build a bit into my stand-up where I have to, like, turn around and bend over.

Yeah, yeah. Give the audience a bit of a... Flash a bit into my stand-up where I have to turn around and bend over and just give the audience a bit of... Flash a bit of whale tail. And never address it, but just leave people in the room going, is that where you're fucking J Street? And you can't bring along a prop to every... It's too clunky,

so you just accidentally on purpose drop the mic every time you do a spot. The mic just goes bang! And you're like, oops! I better just bend over and get that microphone. Yeah. It keeps fucking up the tech. Like the mic sounds worse and worse.

It keeps getting tinnier and tinnier. Yeah. All right, guys. Well, that brings us to the end. Oh, is that it? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Time flies when you're being dirty little cunts. Yeah. Time flies when you're being dirty little cunts. Yeah. Time flies when you're in the gutter. It functions differently down here. I like it down here. I'm like Pennywise. I fucking live down here, man. Those Ninja Turtles are on to something.

Conchetta and Cam, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks. Thanks for having us, guys. So fun. Cam, you've got shit to plug, that's for sure. Yeah, I'll plug my shows.

I'll be quick about it, though. I know how annoying it is when people do this shit. But I'm going to do an encore run of my show Electric Dreams. It's the one I did last year, if anyone saw it. It's so amazing.

Nominated for Best Show in the festival. Nominated for Best Show. I'm doing it in Melbourne, one night only, April 15. In Sydney, May 6. And in Brisbane, May 27 and 28. And that's it. Then I'm done with it. I'll probably never do it again.

And I might even kill myself. So come and see me. Come and see me done with it. I'll probably never do it again and I might even kill myself. So come and see me. Come and see me before that happens. I like that. I might not ever do this show again and I'll kill myself. Well, I do go hand in hand. I might do it in heaven.

Well, that's great. So that's a one-off show in Melbourne. We're doing a live podcast that same day. So come and see that and then go along and see Cam afterwards. Oh, no, it's at the same time. Oh, you've got to choose then. Take a night off with us and all the other three and see Cam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I plug something? Of course. I want to plug Dracula's. Please go. Please go. They need it. No, I want Carl? Of course. I want to plug Dracula's. Please go. Please go. They need it. No, I want Carl specifically to go. You know what?

I will next time because my wife quite likes doing little holidays in the Gold Coast now. I've never been to the Gold Coast before. And then in the last year and a half, I've been three times. And I'm sort of begrudgingly always going. You guys don't do half measures with your holidays. That's so good. Well, you know what? Because we keep going to the Gold Coast,

and I'm always like, okay, because it really feels like the Thailand of Australia. Yes. If there had to be a Thailand of Australia, it's the Gold Coast, isn't it? Yeah, it's great. It's great. I love the Gold Coast.

I love Thailand as well. They're all fucking good. And I'm always, I'll be honest, I'm always looking at Dracula's going, is it going to be this time when I go? This is the trip. Yeah. You just know no matter whether you think it's really good or really bad,

it's really good. Like, it's so fun. It's a spectacle. That's why I'm like, you cannot lose. You cannot lose. You'll be so surprised after what I've just described, the amount of showmanship that goes into real Dracula's. Definitely.

But there's a roller coaster in there. Oh, wow. Did you go on the roller coaster? Yes, it's amazing. It's like an insane production. Oh, you get to go on the roller coaster? Yes. How does that tie into the vampire world?

It kind of does. They fist it in and it works. Okay, because I don't want it to be in between. It either has to be really bad or really good, because I've been to one theatre restaurant, and it was in between, and I sort of hated it. Which one did you go to? And this was when Melbourne had about eight of them,

and now I think we've got one left. So there was still room in the market for this. It was very clearly all the good ones had been taken. So I went to the Hunchback themed theatre restaurant are you fucking serious what Hunchbacks my god

are you kidding me there was a Hunchback like a Notre Dame yeah and it was like it's the worst because you know with werewolves

or with Draculas there's like things that you can you know there's jokes and whatever but with Hunchbacks it all comes back to

well that cunt's bent over yeah there's not much to play with. Just a pillow. This guy's got a horrible physical disability. Check that out. Can I take a stab at at least one of the songs that was in there?

You can ring my bell. Oh, that's good. That's good. Did they do Baby Got Back? Oh! Well, you know what? It's gone under, so I'm guessing no, they didn't do either of these songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All I can remember, I'm sure I've talked about this years and years ago on this show, but the thing that really stands out to me was that it was such a low-ret version of a theatre restaurant, and it was Hunchback-themed, and there was really nothing much to do with Hunchback in there. And that was given a massive red flag at the start. When we went into the bar, we had a drink, and then you had to enter into the actual theatre. And to enter into the theatre, they literally put you in a giant toilet roll.

It was a giant toilet roll, and I'm being completely serious. It was a giant cardboard roll, and they put you in there, and then they just spun you around a few times and then opened it up, and you went into the theatre and it was like, and I remember being like, why did we have to get spun around? And they're like, I don't know. It wasn't our call.

Like, what's that got to do with a hunchback? All right, guys. Yeah, Dracula's on the Gold Coast. Check it out. Conchetta, you're also on Triple J Breakfast every morning, which people can tune in and hear. There's a catch-up podcast. There's also your podcast, Big Natural Talents.

Yes, that's it. Or as Cam calls it, Big Juicy Natural. I understand. Is it true that you pick the songs on Triple J? Yep. That's awesome. Yep, it feels good. I'm a glorified DJ.

Can we request some songs for tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What do you want? Asshole by Dennis J. Yes. Yes.

Pretty fly for a white guy. Yeah. Everything that was number one from the years of 1991 through to 96, please. That's all I want. Rodney Weirdo, Yankovic. You guys used to play Jamiroquai? Break them out. Break them out of the chamber.

Don't let Double J have all the fun. Reclaim those songs. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, boy.

That felt sweet off the boot, Bernie. Yep. Very fun. Back onto Zoom or whatever the fuck we just used, Tommy. Riverside. It really makes me nostalgic about the virus that ravaged the world. Yeah. Loved being on the internet talking to people in a different city.

Much fun. Very fun. Go and see Cam's show. Cam is doing that one-off show. You don't have to, though, because we've got a show on at the same time. Well, I mean, if you're listening to this from a city that's not Melbourne, then great. No clashes. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Go to the other cities, not the one in Melbourne. If you're in Melbourne, don't go to a show here. Fly to Sydney or Brisbane and see it there. Yes. Good point. Go to our show May 20th in Brisbane. Yes.

Then stick around for a week. Yes. Go to Dracula's on the Gold Coast that week in between. Perfect. And then be back in Brisbane. You know what? I genuinely might do this. Make a week of it.

That sounds like a great week. Make a week of it. Dum-dum. Dracula's. Dracula's. Dracula's dracula's dracula's cam cam i'd might then dracula's there was there is something on in brisbane on may the 27th that i wanted to see i can't remember what it is and i was thinking damn that's annoying that that's not the same weekend that we're there but now that we've done this ep yeah yeah i can stick around yeah i'll go to dracula's every night i'll see cam and then i'll see whatever that thing is that I can't remember. Yes.

Hey, sweet little other, tiny little plug. I'll say go and see Brett Blake's show Dog Act in Melbourne. It's starting the same time now. It's on for the month. Only because for some reason he did our live show in Adelaide and he was great. And we were talking about, you know, we pay our guests and he goes oh just you know just do an ad for us yep i was like yeah cool so we did that the other week and then but then he was like no do two ads for us i'm like i just never said anything because i'm like is that worth two

ads an appearance i don't know if it is i do understand the argument that like the ad in the episode that you're already on well that's the. You would have gotten a plug in anyway, right? So this in a clean, I kind of understand. I kind of understand, but also, fuck you, Brett. Yes, yes. The argument wasn't that doesn't count as an ad. The argument was I want two ads for that. Oh, okay. Well, that doesn't, no, that makes no sense.

If I was in his position, I would say, yeah, I would have gotten the plug anyway. Right. So this is already the ad. Yeah. The ad should be in a thing where I'm not in, so I'm getting double coverage. Yes. Because, I mean, why are you stopping at two?

Yeah. Why not just go, fuck you, give me 10? Well, not only that, but when we were in Adelaide, I said- Keep plugging the show after I've finished it. I did him a favor. I emailed everyone that had been to the show, and I said, hey, thanks for coming to the show. Also, Brett Blake's on for the rest of the week.

Why don't you go and see Brett Blake? And then he's- It's never enough, though, thanks for coming on the show. Also, Brett Blake's on for the rest of the week. Why don't you go and see Brett Blake? It's never enough though, is it? Never enough. They bleed you dry. That's it. That's it. I try and be a good friend and what does it get me? I smell another one of your famous Facebook statuses coming up.

Some people just love to take, don't they? What's this about, Carl? I don't want to say. Can I quote some song lyrics what yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah no go and see Blakey he as of time of recording he smashed the comedy festival gala and I know that because

you went he told me oh okay yeah I didn't no one else told me that just Brett Blake rang me up this morning and said

guess what I fucking killed I was the funniest. Wow. Yeah. This all happened? Yeah. You're not worried about him hearing this and taking umbrage with this version of events?

That's never happened before, has it? No. He's great. He's great. We love Brett. Always a fun show. Great act. One of my parents' favorite comedians, puzzlingly.

Very little in there for them, I would have thought Now I'm like, I hope it's your mum's favourite comedian Because that's more puzzling I mean, with your dad, your dad likes cars and hands-on things a bit more than your mum would No? I think genuinely, it's the same with Kappa Where before they'd seen either of them do comedy Both of those boys met them

and were very polite to them. Right. And that goes a long way with that generation. Of course. So I think they're sitting there and you know Brett's up there like yeah man I'm fucking cool with this kind of cow and I'm fucking classy cunt. Which is like not their speed at all. Yes. But they're just it's like white noise. They're just

remembering when you know Brett kind of like pulled the seat out for my mum to sit in. They blocked all that out and remembered, Mrs. Allsoft, you're looking lovely tonight. Yeah. You just go to my parents' point of view and it's just, and it's just like the thought bubble above their heads of like Brett like shaking my dad's hand.

Yeah. And they're at Town Hall. Five years ago. They're at Town Hall during the comedy festival looking up at the blackboard of all the acts and going, someone's saying, what about Dave Hughes? No, he's never actually pulled a chair out for me in his life. So fuck Hughesy. No, thank you.

No. Stephen K. Amos offered me a scone. All right, we're going to see Amos. Great. Let's do it. Yep. I was with my mum yesterday. We were in the city getting lunch.

We were walking through a food court. And then as we were walking along, this guy kind of just sitting next to where we were walking past, he just kind of goes, oh, and like pulls out his phone. And he's got the like, he's listening to the podcast. Oh, I caught one of them the other day. At the exact moment that I was walking past. Yep. And then my mum's just like, what the hell just happened there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, that was a man who was like listening to the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And mum's like, but you're here. Yeah, happened there? And I'm like, oh, that was a man who was listening to the podcast. And mum's like, but you're here. Oh, my God. I copped out the other day as well. You are never going to understand what your son does. That is a very funny thing that is obviously a thing to do. Someone just yelled, hey!

And then just, I'm like, who the fuck is this? And they just hold up an iPhone with our logo on it. I will say it happens a weird amount. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's already the size of the podcast in a city this big getting recognized frequently is weird enough. Yes. But then the second weird coincidental element of it of recognized at the exact moment that the person is listening to it yes the odds of that are insane yes the fact of like you and i having it happen in the same

week yes is truly bizarre yes yes but thank you thanks but keep it up i like it it's good but i mean what i liked about it was and i would have to assume i mean i didn't see what episode it was but i would assume it's the new one because it's like I had uploaded it hit submit hit submit gone out for lunch with my mum so I just do like the idea

that this guy's listening to it hot off the press and it's like yeah man that makes it all worthwhile that's what I was doing it for before I set foot out the door that's good

if I had if I'd forgotten to upload it you'd have fucking nothing right now you'd be yelling at me going Mate it's 1pm Where's the fucking ep? You're holding up a Taylor Swift album artwork to me

I'm like okay Enjoy That would be good I mean if you see us out and about And you want to say hi to us But you're not listening to the pod Yes Still feel free to hold up the phone and go

Show us what you're listening to I'm listening to the new Unknown Mortal Orchestra album But I'll get to the pod after that Yeah yeah yeah I listened to yours this morning Yeah This is what I'm listening to the new Unknown Mortal Orchestra album but I'll get to the pod after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listened to yours this morning. Yeah. This is what I'm up to now. Yeah.

Yeah, that's good. I like that. Ronnie Chang's on Mark Maron. I'm listening to that. I'm talking to Dad. Love the pod. And then put him on. I'll say hi.

Dad. You know those guys I'm always talking about that I pretend are my friends? I'm talking to Dad. Love the podcast. Thanks, guys. That's good.

I like that. All right. All right. Well, speaking of thanking people. Yeah. Thank you to everyone who listens. Thank you to all you freeloaders. But a special thank you to people who monetize this thing for us.

Who put food on our table. Who put the Nintendo, put the game in your Switch, who put the Penang on my first meal touching down in Samui. Whatever the fuck it is, thanks for your moolah. Thank you to everyone who's been,

you know, thanked over the years, but we're making a special effort of thanking some new additions to the Stuart Hall of Fame this week. Absolutely. Let's turn on the ETA. I can't even fucking remember what it's called anymore. You're on your own.

Yeah. Let's send on the computer that says the names. You're not even going to have a crack? I keep thinking ETA, but that's the environmental. The estimated time of arrival. Let's chuck that on. Let's chuck on the to be confirmed. Yes, yes.

Let's turn on the LOL and read some names out. You genuinely have no idea what it is. You don't even want to have a stab. It used to be called the random name generator, didn't it? I think it did. I don't know why we changed it. Yeah, there was some storyline. Canonically, there was some.

The license expired, so we got a new one. I think that was it. No, I haven't got it. What's the first initial? It's gone from my brain. U. UTA. That's it.

The Unplanned Title Alternator. That's it, of course. Why didn't I remember that? Please write it and let us know. Why did we change it from the random answer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What fucking reason did we have for that storyline? I think, wasn't it like,

it was something like they were charging us $1 million a week for it, so then we had to change brands. What I like about the guts of the show is just like, you know, it's like, hey, here's what happened to me this week. Here's what I've been doing. Here's what our lives are. And then we get in here and it's like SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh, you know, when Mr. Wrinklebum came in and now we've got the Stuart Hall of Fame

and the unplanned title alter, formerly the Random Name Generator, and then Mr. Comedy's going... Unplanned title alter Formerly the random name generator And then Mr Comedy's going It's the real housewives of Miami And then the second half of the episode They're in space Dressed up as Vulcans Just shooting around between planets I always thought it was funny in Ren and Stimpy

How it's like Every time you see their house It's something different It's like Who gives a fuck There's no reason for them to have a defined canonical house It's like Yeah they live in a barrel this week Next week they're in a fucking as a cartoon it's just

like yeah what who gives a shit yeah doesn't matter where they are i did make me feel a little bit unsafe the lack of regularity in that show do you uh i follow a bunch of the like old simpsons writers people on twitter and every now and then they'll be like, because you know there's like, you can tell with The Simpsons House it's like pretty defined layout. It is generally pretty consistent. But then every now and then, especially in the earlier seasons,

someone will send one of them a screenshot and just be like, where the hell is this room? Yeah, yeah, right. And they'll be like, there's a bit where Bart has the fight with his friends over the comic book in the treehouse,

and there's the storm, and Marge is like, oh, it's really coming down out there. You should check on Bart and his friends. And Homer looks up. He's like, yeah, they're fine. And he's in this weird little rumpus room on a beanbag in front of a tiny TV. And you can see the silhouette of the kids fighting with the lightning going off. And it's based on the entire rest of the geography of what we know of the house.

It was someone going like, where's this room? And then they like have to, I think it was like either Bill Oakley or Josh Weinstein, they like drew a diagram and they're like, I think we thought it was kind of in here, but then we never, we thought we might throw back to it and then we just never did. Wasn't there an episode there was an electricity room or something as well? Where was that? Oh, the electricity room. Yeah, remember that?

In their house. Yeah the electricity room remember that in their house yeah do you remember that you mean when they get the electroshock therapy no no no someone takes over the house like they're making a movie maybe and they just keep all the electricity in that house remember that was that a fall was that when they made the fallout boy movie oh maybe maybe that was it yeah no that's isn't that when they redesigned Flanders' house? Flanders' house gets destroyed by the hurricane. It's finally come to this. Us talking about old Simpsons episodes. And the whole town chips in to rebuild his house.

I don't think it's that. And they've fucked it and it's like there's a room where it gets narrower and narrower. Oh, yeah. And then it's like Flanders has the fresh- Oh, they build their own house. Yeah, and it's like, ah, now we could only get the electricity in one room of the house. Oh, that might be it. And then they go out the front and Flanders has that, you know, the nice like Flanders has the break. Oh, they build their own house. Yeah, and it's like, ah, now we could only get the electricity in one room of the house. Oh, that might be it. And then they go out the front and Flanders has that, you know, the nice guy Flanders,

he has a breakdown and he's just like swearing at everyone. Right, right, right, right. That does sound right. He goes up to, he's like screaming at everyone and he goes up to home and he's like, and you might be the worst of them all. And he walks off at home and he goes, man, I got off lightly. Yep. It's a good show. We finally become those guys at the party yep yep well hey man i mean i don't know what your

excuse is but i'm still just riding high on uh the glow of the stripsons it really reinvigorated my love of the source material right yeah i messaged them by the way to say oh hey check out the pod yeah gave you a glowing review yeah hoping it might show up on the socials yes and whoever runs the socials was like oh pass this on to the cast they'll be wrapped right no follow-up after that yeah that's a shame yeah um all right thank you very much to everyone uh that subscribes but in particular first cap off the rank this week thank you very much to patreon subscriber crystal young crystal yeah k-r-y-s-t-a. Yep. Okay. We have, speaking of strippers. Yeah. There's a stripper name if ever I've seen one.

Absolutely. Crystal Young. I mean, if you're at the strip, if you're at the Rippers, you don't want someone with the surname Young. I'm not psyched on that. Well, you don't want Crystal Old either. Oh, sure. Crystal

Prime Cut. Crystal just right crystal prime cut of crystal barely legal barely legal i remember seeing that like i can i remember someone having a copy of that like when i was a kid like barely legal it's like cool so are we like that's yeah yeah that's not a genre i'm particularly attracted to it's like remember like early internet days there was like that website that was literally just a countdown until the olsen twins turned 18 and even just at that point being like ah i know it's early days but i think we should shut this thing down it's already being used for the worst i remember before that i remember there used to be like, in Picture and People, those, you know, what do you call that genre of magazine now?

Like the soft porn, but like masquerading as lads entertainment or whatever it is. Lads mag, I guess. Lads mag to some degree, except that I think in England that was seen as like a, it was sort of a bit more upmarket and you wouldn't, but here it was like, you know, over there you'd have interviews with footballers and stuff and, you know, gadgets and whatever. But back here it was just like chicks with their boobs out and then occasionally a guy with his dick out. I mean, the true question is like when they're described, if you work at that magazine and

you're describing your job to like, let's say an auntie or like a partner's, like a new partner's family at a barbecue. What are you saying you do? Yeah. I work at a magazine. Oh, like Empire? Yeah. Like Woman's Day?

Yeah. No, a bit more of like a gentleman's magazine. There must be a shorthand within the industry. Yeah. A comedy magazine. Sort of a funny magazine. Can I have a look? No.

I remember them having a few of these ones where it was like it's the it's the the countdown to um these people turning of a legal age yep so so they can get their tits out uh in the magazine but you look at the photo shoot and all the photoshoots would be you know like oh it's only a month or two months ago whatever it was but you're seeing they're showing pictures of that person with their boob, you know, teasing with their boob slightly covered up and you're like, you know that that means you've photographed them already. Right. So they've been photographed underage.

You've made them get nude in front of you. Yeah. And they're underage. Yeah. You are just releasing them when they're of legal age. I thought you were going to say it's like they're still nudes and they're like, hey, won't it be great in a month's time when we can reprint these and then you don't have to feel guilty about looking at them.

Right now, you should feel really bad. If you're beating off to this, shame on you. Three weeks to go until what you're doing to your dick right now is legal. Yes. Yeah. Currently, you're committing a crime. Yes. And we've put a tracking device in this magazine.

And if a single drop of cum gets on it, the police turn up at your house. That's how the barcodes work these days. But I remember that. And I remember that the English, it must have changed. But I remember seeing English magazines where they were like, oh, it's the big countdown until this person gets their top off. It's like, oh, cool. So they're 18 then.

And it's like, no, 16. Like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're 18 then. And it's like, no, 16. Like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. France is just over there. Just crazy. That must have changed. Without looking it up, I'm assuming that has changed.

Ah, the British. Because they stopped at page three, girls, didn't they? That's no longer a thing. Anyway, sorry, Crystal Young. Yeah. To just immediately go to... Yes. You're a stripper.

Yes. Although, we did have... In Adelaide, we were standing around after the show. Yes. And a burlesque performer... Yes. Came up to us. Yes.

And was like, hey, can I get a t-shirt? Yes. Pretty cool. Yeah. Put some clothes on for us. That was their... Oh, that was... They weren't working.

Yeah. Madam, please, you can have the T-shirt for free. You'll catch a cold getting around like that. You'll catch your death. Thanks, Crystal Young. And I hope you have an appropriate job to your name. Yep. Something as exciting as bringing many young and old men a lot of pleasure in some very

unlit nightclubs. Giving men what we all want, just a moment in their life when they get to think, I could save her from all this. Yes. She loves me. Yeah. I've depressingly had that moment. I've been that guy.

I think I've told this before. One of the couple of times I've been in a strip club, I was wearing a Run the Jewels jumper that had the little logo thing on it. And this lady came up to me and she's like, oh, I love Run the Jewels. And in my head I was like, man, we've got the same taste in music. Yeah. We're on here.

Yeah. Yeah. Great. And that's how you met your girlfriend. Yeah. Wow. That's who you're with now. That's cool.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, thanks, Crystal, by the way. Thanks, Crystal. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Bryce Marshall. Bryce Marshall. Bryce Marshall. Very, very from strip club sounding to very much what would you say? Look, office bound, I would say.

Office bound. I was getting a bit of law enforcement vibe. Maybe that's just because Marshall is in the title. Oh, yeah. I think Bryce brings it back to a bit of white collar, though. Yeah, that's true. In my opinion. That's true. Maybe. Maybe Marshall is in the title. Oh, yeah. I think Bryce brings it back to a bit of white collar, though. Yeah, that's true. In my opinion. That's true.

Maybe this is a long bow, but not too much. It's a little bit car salesman because I've just been sent a message. My wife has just bought a new car. Oh, okay. She's just traded her car in. Yep. And today's the day that she's bringing this new car home. What are you getting?

Well, it's not me. It's her. Yeah. She's... You're not going to be allowed to drive it? I'm only allowed to drive it when I pick up the kid or anything like that. Especially because when she bought this car, the car she's just traded in 12 years ago, on my first drive, I damaged the car.

How many, so like 12 years ago, how long have you had your car for? How many cars has she bought in the space of you having your one same car? This is, she had a car, then she bought that car, had it for 12 years, now she's bought another car.

Okay, so three. Three, yeah. Yeah, she's driven in three cars. i am still driving the same car that i had the last girlfriend i've had this car this is the 20th year of me having this car wow right now yeah insane yeah and it wasn't like a new car then. No. No, I know. Yeah. My dad used to have that same car. Man, I keep seeing that same model, but like owned by people who have taken care of their cars.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And being like, man, that could have been me if I'd done anything in the last 20 years. Yep. I mean, there's some of them out there that are like, not a collector's item, whatever the equivalent term is for an old, nice car. They'd be their fans out there. You could get in Facebook groups and there'd be people like... No, absolutely. They're not cheap to buy.

They are not cheap to buy. I was looking them up and going, wow, that's how much I could get for it if my car was in any half-decent condition in any way. I bet there's enthusiasts that have seen you drive down the street and just been like, oh, my God. Well, no. Like seeing a... I don't think so because from the outside, it's not in bad condition. Yeah, because it's all pranged up or anything like that. No, there's nothing wrong with the exterior.

It's more the interior, the mechanics, everything else. Well, maybe they've heard it coming on a particularly bad day and been like, she deserves so much better. Look, that's very fair. That is very fair because now it is, for the first time, when people say, oh, you've got this old car, it's like, I don't give a fuck. It works beautifully.

The last time I fucked up that story that I told six months ago, whatever I did when I was going to the dentist, that has not helped it in any way. So ever since then, it's been not quite right. Yeah. So now when I do start it up, it's like, oh, this is, like, I do need to get another car. This is the thing. I'm doing my research at the moment.

Yep. And I was actually thinking, fuck, how do I get rid of this car? Like, I don't really, I don't want to spend all this money and fix it up and then sell it. Because whatever money I spend on, I reckon I won't get as much money back to sell the car. I'll tell you who would have the time of their life assisting this. Oh, I know who. Now that you've said that. My dad.

Yes. Right in his wheelhouse. Dee Daslow. Daddy Daslow. Loves cars. Yeah. Retired. Yeah. Lo Daslow. Daddy Daslow. Loves cars. Yeah. Retired. Yeah.

Loves a little task like this. But he's still got your, he's still got his Rolls Royce to work on, doesn't he? No, he's still building that, but he just like, when I got the car I have now,

which I've had for two and a bit years, I just kind of offhandedly said like, kind of thinking about getting a new car. This is like after, you know, this is like six months into the pandemic or so. Like, it looks like we'll be confined to just sort of driving around for a bit.

You know, I've never cared too much about it. It has to get something that drives a little easier. Just something I'm thinking about. And then like the next day, had an email of like 15 different listings and he'd gone through and like pros and cons of each. Don't know what your price range is this is what you could get for this this is what you can get for this this is what i reckon

you'll get for your car like to like went with him out to like where um my car was which was like out in like where a b um and goes to me now look when it comes to ask him what you'll get for your car i reckon i reckon you can get two don't accept anything under two yeah and then the guy was like i'll give you 800 bucks for it and dad just goes done like why did you why were you the one that sold me out so quickly but uh no he he fucking he loves all that shit because yeah it truly is a thing where it's like if you don't know what you're doing you just you start to look into it and you're like i'm gonna get fucked here i just know it yeah well i i kind of think i don't there's not enough wiggle room in how much money i would

get for that car i was even thinking fuck what could i do with it for the pod because i i could even give oh my god give the give it off the west gate give it away as a prize. Have a big competition or something. Something. I don't even know. That's not bad. Yeah. We could do one of those old school radio things where everyone has their hand on it. And last one left.

That's good. Last one left. We just do a live pod from 50 people with their hand on your car. That's good. and we're just there until there's one person left that's good we could do a um like a like triple j used to do just steal their idea where remember they would do that that thing where they just wanted to get the brand out there it's a great idea get the brand if you if you get the brand out there enough for dum-dum you get you get my old beamer so if you yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say you do some paint job on it.

No, no. If you kill a man and carve our logo into his back, and then that ends up on the front page of The Age, you've got the car. You've got the car. Yeah. You know what I always thought? You know what I thought was truly like the best piece of comedy

for a long time when I was about 15 was a clip from the first season of The Tom Green Show where he takes his parents' car and he gets a picture of, like, two women eating each other out, airbrushed onto the front of it, and then he just brings it back and he wakes his parents up and he's like, look, Dad, the Slutmobile. And his dad's like, oh, my God. He's like, but, Dad, I got you this present.

And he just gets the refrain of him continually going, it's like but dad i got you this present it's and he just gets the refrain of him continually going it's the slutmobile day like if you got some heinous shit airbrushed onto that car and then we just go on a we just like driver we just like drive the nullabor in it we do some like lap around the country you it as its final tour of duty. Yeah. Yeah. Just dumb, dumb logo on the side. Yeah, yeah. And you sucking my dick on the bonnet. Really detailed airbrushed.

Yeah. Man, or we do like you get something done on the roof, which most people aren't going to see. Right. And then we just have to get ourselves into some kind of like OJ Simpson style. Yes. We're going to be, you know, we're going to show up on the news chopper. Right. And then we just have to get ourselves into some kind of like OJ Simpson style. Yes. We're going to be, you know, we're going to show up on the news chopper. Yep. And yeah, look, they've, yeah, beloved entertainment personality,

Husey, he finally went crazy. He's wanted by the cops. These two comedians are helping him flee. Yeah. We've got live footage here and, huh, this appears to be a picture of one of them getting sucked off on the roof and they're like the ford bronco they're not going very fast because they're hanging out the window going can you see this this can you see that on the bonnet can you see this that is good actually because it's like you know those people hanging off the bridge with the juice is loose signs. But in our version, it's people being like,

Hugh's is loose. Yeah, yeah. Hugh's is losing it. The juice is loose. The juice is loose. Well, thanks, Bryce Marshall. Thanks, Bryce. For sponsoring that riff.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscribers. Samuel Karam. Samuel Karam. Samuel Karam. Karam. Samuel Karam. Samuel Karam. Cut and paste whichever one you want. Thank you, Samuel Karam. Or thank you, Samuel Karam. Spell this bitch out for me.

K-A-R-A-M. Karam. Is that it? I don't know. Sure. Karam. I said both of those things. Karam from Spiderbait.

From Spiridobate. It's the drama from Spiderbait, If's from Spiridobait. It's Karam. It's the drummer from Spiderbait if he was a genie. Oh, yeah. Karam. That's good. I like that. That's not bad at all.

Yep. I'll grant you three wishes and they're all... All right. Black Betty, Buy Me a Pony, and Four to the Floor. There you go. All right. That's good. That's good. That's a good funny four to the floor. There you go. All right. That's good. That's good.

That's a good funny fellow sketch right there. Yeah, that's great. We have one celeb guest for the entire season, and it's Cram from Spider-Bait in a sketch called Cram, the Spider-Bait genie. And he comes in and he's like, so what's the script? And we're like, oh, we haven't really written one yet. We were just kind of hoping we'd freestyle this yeah we thought you might have some ideas i mean you've done enough gigs in your life i mean sure you've run into comedians and they've

been funny does any of that wipe off on you yeah you did you've done um speaks and specs hey i worked on the first season talking about your generation And I think he may have been A guest on the very first episode And as a big Spiderbait fan I was stoked And I didn't want to be unprofessional Because I'm like 20 Stoked to have this job

First taping and I'm very Trying to stay in the corner But I also want to meet Cram And get a photo with him. And then he comes in and he's got the same watch as me. Oh. I'm like, fuck, we're on here. Yeah.

And I just sidle up. Hey, man, cool watch. Can I get a photo of us with our watches? Yeah. And he's like, yeah, brother. So like my Facebook profile picture for a very long time, me and Cram with our same watches. Great.

What a cool guy. Well, I don't know if you remember this, but not a few years ago, he was on Spicks and Specks when I was working on it. Yep. And we were both talking about, Spider-Man were playing in fucking Mornington or Frankston or something like that. And for some reason we were like, you know what?

We're going to go. Let's go and see them play out there. Yeah. And then when he was on the show, I then went up to him and went, hey, me and my friend are going to go and see you in Frankston or Mornington or something. So can you just get, this is what's going to happen. I'm going to talk into my phone and go,

hey, I'm Tommy. Yeah, look, definitely we're going to Frankston to see Spider-Man. What do you reckon, Cram? And then him going, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to go to something like that and i got filmed that and then sent it to you and then neither of us went to the fucking show i just also love the difference in these two stories well it's like 20 i was like pretty

nervous and just like trying to keep a low profile then i see the watch and i'm like okay maybe this is my end and you're just like bowling up hey will you do a voice memo for my friend? Yes. Yes. Because I'm not 17. I'm 43 at that point. Hey, man, I noticed we have the same watch. Now, can you record a voice memo for my friend? Yeah. Yeah, why didn't we go to that show? I don't know.

Something happened. I saw them quite a few times when I was like early 20s. Always a fun time. And they're always popping up on things here and there. And I'm always like, okay, this is it. Yeah. You know, I've just never get around to it. Here's a band that I've never seen that I should see.

And I missed out the other day. Milan was going to see, down in St Kilda, going to see the Hoodoo Gurus for free. Oh, yeah. I should see them once in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, well, come down right now. I'm fucking really drunk i'm like no i'm not i can't do that it's sunday 5 30 in the afternoon and i have a family and i can't say sorry but i have

to go and see the hoodoo gurus yeah a band that you've never heard me say anything about before but it's now my life's destiny to see them. Yeah. I kind of want to get tickets to that Regurgitator show that's coming up in like May or something. Yeah, it says it's sold out in Melbourne, so probably not. No, there's a second one now. A second one, okay. Yeah.

That can happen. Thank you, Samuel Karam. Thank you, Karam. The spider bait genie. Yes. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ellen Carland. Wow. Wow.

Oh, my God. Might be where, don't say her name, just bought her new vehicle from. Yeah. You might be going there pretty soon. Yes. I'm going to Carland. Ellen Pickapart. Yes.

Ellen Carcity. What did your wife get? Well, I'm about to show you. Yep. Because she's got something that's, look, that you could say, wow, I didn't ever know that I wanted this, but this is part of a great car buying experience. I don't think I'll ever have this in my life. Is this new or secondhand?

You're about to find this out. All right. Look at, this is the car that my wife has just bought. And it has got a big old bow on the top of it. Now that is. That's cool, right? That's what you want. I've never bought a car new.

Yeah. And yeah, that thing of like, because yeah, you go, you drive past like an actual showroom. Yes. One of those like big nice ones that's on the like side of the freeway. Yes. And especially those ones that are parked inside yeah where you just go like man fucking off out of there would feel so good yeah yeah driving away from inside a building yes would feel so fucking good imagine imagine running that car out of a

fucking window yeah doing a big jump yeah um mine was like my yeah mine was like yeah use car place out in where it, did the deal, but also there were a couple of things about it where we were like, what if we're paying this? What about you fix up this, this, this, and this? And they're like, okay. And so it's that annoying thing where you go into the situation thinking like, I'm going to leave with a car today.

How cool is this going to be? But then it's like, okay, that'll be done in a week. And it's like, oh, my fucking God. So driving back from Werribee and then just like the next week having to drive back out there. Right. But also weird to drive out

in my current car at the time and be like, this is the final voyage. I know. This is like I leave this and then I come back in a new car and just like getting into the car and being like,

yeah, this is the last trip I'll ever go on in this car. I had the same conversation with Blanket this morning driving into Kinder going, this is the last trip I'll ever go on in this car. I had the same conversation with Blanket this morning, driving her to Kinder, going, this is the last time you'll ever be in this car. And she's like, oh, no. I imagine that's distressing to a child. She's like, oh, I'm going to miss this car. I'm like, you're absolutely not going to.

Yeah. You're not going to remember it by tomorrow, I reckon. Yeah. You're going to be in this nice... Now, it's like... Yeah. So, it's in the showroom, but I believe it's a...

What do you call it? A showroom car. So it's not like out of a lot or whatever. It's a... What do you call them? It's sort of like... It's not... The demo unit kind of thing?

Yeah, demo. Like a demo model. Like if you buy the TV in JB Hi-Fi that's on all day. That's got Avatar on on it at the time by the way i've been meaning to say this i drove to your house the other day and there's like a harvey norman that you drive past on the way from yours yes to to yours from here and you know commonly you walk through like a shop that has display tvs and they've always got like you know sweeping shot of the serengeti or like, you know, like a hummingbird flapping its wings in slow motion to show like the crispness and the fidelity and the range of colors that this image is capable of, this TV is capable of.

When I drove past Harvey Norman, the TV in the window, the video to display this was just olive oil pouring out of a bottle. That's good. I was like, and it out of a bottle. That's good. I was like, and it really did get me. I was like, man, it kind of sold me on olive oil more than the TV. Right, right. Man, I bet, oh, fuck, frying some garlic and onion up in that. Oh, I bet that's beautiful. There we go.

Well, that's what's happened is that we've, as most weeks, when we record Talking Dumb Dumb, we haven't eaten yet, and you've just seen olive oil being poured out and gone, fuck i'm gonna buy a tv no no no you need to buy lunch yeah that's what's going on but i was just looking at it going it's not selling me on the the depths of the blacks and the whites on this screen it's not showing me the colors yeah it's not showing me the 4k just like slow mo and i was like stopped in traffic too. So I was just watching it for what felt like ages. I was like, it's just a long video of olive oil, slow motion. Yeah.

I did wonder how you had enough time to watch an olive oil being poured out of a fucking bottle while you were in. It was bad traffic and I was like literally right next to it. Right. Just sitting there going, this is going forever. Yeah. And also, why is this in the rotation? Yeah. Yeah.

No, you're right i was i'd be i'd be banking on watching a bit of finding nemo or something rather than they love it's always yeah if you're in a jb it's always a like a computer animated film on there yeah that's where you're getting you that's where you're showing off yeah tv is capable of yeah i like it when they have sport on it because i'm like, I get this because this is what I'm going to be watching at home. Yeah. I'm not watching fucking, you know, flowers falling off a tree or something. That is, I mean, all of those.

It's like, yeah, this looks great. But also this has been tailor made for this. This is not the context. Yeah. I'll, you know, I'll be going home and watching Real Housewives or whatever the fuck it is. Well, also too, if you, yeah, if you get a TV like that, and then a lot of people probably don't know, if you're paying for just like the standard rung of Netflix,

if you're trying to save money and you're like, I don't need to watch Netflix on five different screens. I'll just pay for the lowest rung of it. You're not getting your high def, so you're not getting the most out of your TV. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Thanks, Ellen Carland. Thanks Ellen Carland. Thanks Carland. Thanks for selling this new car to my wife. Keep your eyes open for a Patreon. Ellen Carland.

That's good. Ellen Satie 6969. I heard friend of the show Nick Cody Do one of them this morning I was Plug in car city No very rarely

Do I listen to any Sort of radio But I don't even Own a radio Yeah Well it was on in the car I was dropping

A little blanket A little just then Off at Kinder And I whacked it on For two seconds, and they were doing like a live read or something, and it's just funny because, you know,

they get given out the lines of, you know, ad read. What you've got to say. Yep. And it's like, you know, Fifi got to say, oh, come and fucking buy this fucking. Great Fifi impression. Yeah, yeah. Oh!

Oh! Come and get this fucking mixer. It'll mix everything up. And then Fev's like, yeah, fucking. Yeah, yeah. Oh! Oh! Come and get this fucking mixer. It'll mix everything up. And then Fev's like, yeah, fucking. Yeah, fucking. Fuck yeah, I'll fucking mix it up.

Buy this steak. Fuck yes. Buy this porterhouse. Yeah, and it'll fucking make your dick big. And then Cody's like, it was like, duh!

Yeah, yeah, he's like, I eat my own shit. Get these nappies. Into my mouth. For when do poo poo? Yeah, no. But he was doing the old L-M-C-T 69, 69, 69, whatever it is.

Yeah, he got given the job. I don't even know what the fuck that is. I don't know either. Because it is funny how it's like political lads, they have to have the like, you know. That's spoken and authorised by Gary 69. Suck my dick. It's like we said a few weeks ago when Ben Russell had that experience of doing a gig and some people came along to the gig because they recognised him for betting ads.

Yes. And it's like, that would be sick if every ad just had like a mini credits at the end of it. Yeah. Just like up for like one second. Just like, if you love the ad, you know, you can scrub back and do your pause and be like, yeah, okay, this guy in this Chicken Tonight ad, he's really got something. I'm going to bookmark his IMDB and just keep an eye on anything he's got coming up. I'm going to the Comedy Festival this year.

I don't know who to see. Does this cunt in the Billy Guyatt's ad, is he a comedian? Has he got something going on? Yes. Yeah. Thanks, Alan Carlin. You know how like comedians pop up in a lot of gambling ads in the last couple of years? Yes, they do.

They make an ad for the comedy festival every year and they get comedians to be in it. They should give back. They should get some problem gamblers in. Well, a little one in the same, I would have thought. There's a bit of crossover in that Venn diagram, but yeah. They should just like cast that thing at at the Tankerville at 3am. Just drag someone out of the pokies room. I like it.

I like it in the Comedy Festival ad when they have a bunch of comedians in there playing themselves. And then they have a comedian playing some dumb fuck that's like, Oh, always good. I wonder if I could go to the Comedy Festival or not. What is it? It's good. Yeah, it is good. It's good. Someone who someone who's doing a show yeah and they're doing a show the unfunny guy at the office yes yeah it's good it's really good it's i don't even yeah again it's like nicotine that out it's like someone's just eating their own shit going i don't even know what

comedy is yeah yeah yeah and then pete hellyer turns up and goes well actually comedy is like yeah yeah no 100 percent and he just follow me i'm walking to my gig now and then they when they walk down and it's like oh this shit tastes terrible and also because you know that people are so dumb that if that if they were very familiar with that ad and that comedian playing the unfunny person or the like member of the public handed them a flyer they'd be like now i've seen this guy on tv he's not actually a comedian at all yeah i remember that i remember that one minute documentary that i saw about this guy you uh during ready steady cook today you didn't even know what comedy was yeah and now

you're doing your own show dream on fucking hell fuck off i won half price. Thanks, Ceylon Carlin. All right, let's just do one more, and then we've both got shit to do. We sure do. Because it is Comedy Festival time, and we've both got various tasks that we should be doing instead of what the fuck we're doing now. I better start writing my shit. Oh, no. It's in a week's time.

Hyperventilator. I'm a fuckhead. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. That's interesting. Thank you very much to Vox Comedy. Wow. Right.

Just slipped in. That must be the dealership that my wife's bought. You know, one of those things where, you know, as soon as you start saying stuff out loud, you get those ads that pop up and that. That's happened in our feed this week. Isn't that crazy? Excited to be a Volkswagen driver? I've never driven.

I mean, look, let's say it's a Volkswagen, but I've never driven a Volkswagen before. I got excited for a moment and thought it was a Volvo. I've told you the story about my dad owning a Volvo very briefly. Yes. Yeah. For anyone who doesn't remember. Oh, no, I don't think I have because I've mixed it up. You know what?

I've mixed up with my wife's story about her dad owning a Volvo. Oh, right. So you go and then I'll go. But mine is dad bought a Volvo. This is when I was like, I don't know, 15 or something. And not long after that, they had this ad campaign where the refrain of the ad was, bloody Volvo drivers.

And it was just like people seeing people driving a Volvo and being like, bloody Volvo drivers. I don't even really know what it was playing on. Was there a thing of people hating people that drove Volvos? So anyway, that ad goes on and Dad writes to the Volvo. It has turned into, I don't hear that anymore, it's turned into people don't like BMW drivers anymore. Oh, really?

Yeah. It used to be definitely a real cliche Volvo drivers. Right, right. So my dad wrote to them like an angry letter and was like, I buy into the ecosystem and then what do I see? You making a thing on TV shitting on me. Yes. Which I don't think is a crazily unfair argument.

Yeah. I mean, it's like they're trying to lean in, but it also is just like, hey, anyway, buy this car and then people will hate you. They're both funny. And then he never heard back and so he just took the car back in. Right. He got his money back. He was like, fuck this.

Wow. I don't want to be. It's like, all right, cool. You're saying Volvo drivers are cunts, are you? Yeah. Well, then guess what? I won't be one anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll go back to driving my old Roll rolls royce that doesn't have a floor i'd rather be fred flinstone than some volvo cunt yeah great my father-in-law i believe bought a volvo once and then like then slammed the door on his own finger mad Mad. And then went, got really mad about it. And then fucking two weeks later, I was like, yeah, I don't want this car anymore. Too many bad memories of when I slammed my own door on my own finger. I need a new car. Again, also fair.

I feel like, you know, it is the thing of like, you know, parents are always insane. And especially when you're younger, you're like, what the thing of parents are always insane, especially when you're younger. You're like, what the fuck is wrong with this cunt? And then it's like you start to get a bit older and older and then you sort of remember a story from your dad doing something when he was roughly your age when you were growing up. And you sort of start to go like, yeah, I'd do that.

I get it. You know what I mean? You start to, like I remember Dad doing that when I was, you know, when that happened, when I was like 15 and being like,

cunt, what's wrong with you? And then even now as I'm telling it, I'm defending him. Like, yeah, it's fair enough. They put an ad shitting on you. Yeah. No, I see both sides of it. Thanks, Vox Comedy.

Thanks, Vox Comedy. And thank you, loyal listener. LittleDumbDdum club.com get a ticket to one of our upcoming live performances they're gonna be a lot of fun great

guests coming up Melbourne and Brisbane exciting shit do it get out and see my show at the comedy festival get out and see heaps of shows at

the comedy festival go to the best of Melbourne comedy go to late night basement come come and come and check out the the new venue so yeah full

disclosure the the venue that I've been talking about for years when I talk about basement comedy club it's and check out the uh the new venue so yeah full disclosure the the venue that i've been talking about for years when i talk about basement comedy club it's been we've talked about the european beer cafe if you've been to a live show that's where they've been it's now been rebranded as morris house uh everything's been redone inside there it is uh temporarily partly open for the comedy festival there's no rooftop at the moment, but yeah, it's worth a squeeze. It looks pretty fucking nice in there. It's a nice little venue now. So yeah, come and have a look.

There's plenty of friends of the show that are doing shows in there. There's Best of Showcases. There's Luke Hagee. There's Tony Martin. There's Dave O'Neill. There's Dave Hughes. There's Nick Cody.

There's plenty of cunts. Yeah, go see some goddamn shows at the Comedy Festival. Go see Brett Blaker or I'll get in trouble. Yeah. Good month. Everyone's in good form. Everyone's pumped up. Yeah.

All right, guys. We'll see you next week. See you, mates. See you, mates.