The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 652 - Live! Rove McManus, Melanie Bracewell & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

We're back LIVE in Melbourne with guests ROVE MCMANUS, TOM BALLARD and MELANIE BRACEWELL! We've both been busy getting ready for the Comedy Festival this week but luckily Tommy's been able to outsource the content for our opening riff to an AI so you'll barely be able to notice. Meanwhile, Karl's continuing his tour of all the new Thai restaurants on Bourke Street, Tommy's been solicited for a new dating show, and we have an EXCLUSIVE show business bombshell regarding Rove McManus' real name. PLUS, we have the debut episode of our new reality show THE YARN, which amazingly goes far better than we ever could have anticipated. Say hi to your John for me! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with guests Tom Ballard, Melanie Bracewell and Rove McManus. If you enjoy this chaos, you can come and see us. You've got three more chances in Melbourne. What have we got? April the 8th, the 15th and the 22nd, 4.30pm upstairs at Morris House, formerly the European Beer Cafe. Just use Google Maps and find where Basement Comedy Club is because Morris House does not exist on Google Maps. It's in the Bermuda Triangle of comedy.

Yeah, nice. Not too bad at all. And then, of course, May the 20th, we are up in Brisbane doing a big double episode up there. That's it, Saturday afternoon, and we're about two-thirds sold out, so get on that one. Great, littledumbdumbclub.com.

Also, last chance this week to see my show, Scam Artist, at the Comedy Festival, 7.30pm at the Coopers Inn. Would love to see some more listeners there. Seen a few already. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, but until then, enjoy this brand-new live episode with Tom Ballard, Melanie Bracewell and Rove McManus. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. I'm with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day New Kids. Freshly 47 years old, Carl Chandler. Yeah, yeah. And you know what's great? I reckon once you're at 47, guess what gets to start now? Your

50, cunt. Oh yeah. Alright. But see, that's the thing. We're about, you're, are you 36 or 7? 21, actually. Because what's worse, me 50 or you 40? What's worse?

Being 50. Being closer to being dead. Actually, no, when you put it like that, it does sound pretty sweet. Yeah. I'd rather be 80 now that I'm thinking about it. But me being 50 makes sense, I think. You being 40 is funny. I've really played myself here, haven't I, folks?

Hoisted by my own petard. I said petard, okay? Also, next time we do one of these, Tommy, can you remind me not to have the tech in the crowd? Petard, okay? Also, next time we do one of these, Tommy, can you remind me not to have the tech in the crowd? Because all day I'm like gesturing to the crowd going, what should we do now? And these guys are like, you fucking tell us.

So we've got Dickie Knee down the front on tech. We've got Aussie ostriches up the back working the lights. All right, that's all you give us? Yep. No, it's great to be back doing a live show in Melbourne I was at a gig a couple of weeks ago, Tommy Where some people come in And sometimes you get recognised and stuff like that These people, this couple come in and they go

Ah, it's the podcast guy That is like the worst thing That's worse than a slur, I reckon That is truly the worst thing you can be called. But also it's so weird because like the podcast guy is like, well, you don't remember the podcast you listen to? Yeah. Because it's not like, oh, it's the guy from TV

because you can accidentally watch TV. But it's like you're not walking past an iPhone and go, oh, what's that? Not knowing your name is maybe like, I don't know, maybe they've only listened to like one episode or something, but not even knowing the name of the podcast. Just the medium. Yeah. Oh, it's that guy from audio.

Yeah. It's that guy not on radio. Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that loser. Yeah. Well, I got... No, no, so there's more.

Oh, sorry. There's more. There's more. Wow. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I'll save some gas then. Yeah, yeah.

Mate, I'm quite a yarn spinner in my 47th year, so. Fucking hell, you switched on for 50, I tell you what. My side is slowing down upstairs. So then I'm like, of course, I'm like, the podcast guy, eh? What podcast? They're like, I don't know. Fantastic. One of the true crime ones.

Yeah. You killed that Asian girl in a car park. Excuse me, that was untraceable. She was only half, okay? Half dead, alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on guys, it's the middle of the afternoon. Fire up. No, I was like, what podcast? They go, I don't know. I'm like, hang on. How do you know me?

Like, what's going on? They go, oh, we come to one of your live shows. And I'm like, but you don't know who I am? And they go, no. And they go, how do you accidentally come to a live podcast? And they go, oh, we got free tickets at the Comic Sans the other month or whatever. And, like, they just let you in for nothing if you walk past or whatever. I'm like, oh, that's cool.

We're just giving it away up to that place. So then they go, yeah, so we just wanted to know. I go, that must have been weird listening to a podcast live that you'd never listened to and all the references. And they're like, yeah, it wasn't that complicated. We picked up on it. It's fine. You're a cunt.

The little one's a cunt. Ipso facto. That's content, baby. fine. You're a cunt. The little one's a cunt. Ipsofacto. That's content, baby. Yeah. That guy's into Thailand. Yeah, he looks like he's into Thailand. Yeah, yeah, right. A 50-year-old and a 40-year-old do a podcast together.

So then I go, oh, cool. And you liked it? They go, yeah, it was good. I go, oh, so have you listened since? And they go, absolutely not. Yeah, great. Great. Well, I mean, oh, so have you listened since? And they go, absolutely not. Yeah, great. Great. Well, I mean, that was a better live show than that.

I thought that would have converted some people who went for free. Yeah. It's like the actual podcast itself is also free. Yeah. Your favourite fucking thing. Yeah. Has anyone wandered in to hang a shit today and just stopped for the podcast? Has anyone accidentally here today that we can convert?

No? Okay. Well, the comedy festival has started. I've been doing my show for a few nights, and after the first night I got a message on Instagram, a comment on one of my posts saying, Hey, mate, I'm a TV producer. Can you check your DMs?

And I'm thinking, oh, here we go. Night one. My ticket out of this hell. All right. We need a 40 year old boy. I open up the email and it's him pitching me the show

and the show is a dating show and he said we'd love to have you on this. Are you single? And I tell you what, I'm fucking desperate to be on the telly at this point i'm the wrong side of 40 and i'm not feeling good about the future and i did cross my mind to say to my girlfriend hey um would you be okay with me pretending to try and fuck women on tv

but also but she's been sick all week and because of comedy, I've been trying to keep my distance from her. So in a week where we're sleeping in different rooms, I don't think it's a good pitch. I know we're giving the illusion of having split up, but can I take the ring off on TV? What? Why you?

Anyone? You? You? You? If you had to hazard a guess, madam, why me? I like that girl then just goes, not only didn't want to say anything, prevented herself. Covered her mouth. Just in case a sigh got out And was Interpreted the wrong way

I don't want her to hear Yuck Anyone? Beauty and the Geek Oh you Fucking It wasn't that was it? No it wasn't Beauty and the Geek

Okay alright You know what It's a I mean yeah This person just like cold You know DM'd me It's not under any kind of NDA or something It's a

It's a new show called Love Triangle. So it's like, that's even weirder because it's like am I being brought in as a third? Yeah. Yeah. Who are the other two guys? Imagine. Yeah. Yeah. So look,

like we said, the Comedy Festival is underway. I'm doing my show. You're running a venue. Very busy week. A lot of stress going on. Hard to find the time to have content to put into the show up the top here. But luckily, it's 2023, right? And we've got this great new thing called Chat GPT.

So I kind of thought in terms of content, we might both be under the pump a bit. So what I did was I went onto the AI program And I got it to write us an opening riff For the top of the podcast So here we go Now this is real, okay This was me

Getting onto this AI program and saying Please write us a riff For the start of the Little Dumb Dumb Club live podcast And this is what it spat out Which one am I? 50 Right, right So here we go 50 Tommy and Carl walk onto the stage to applaud live podcast and this is what it's spat out. Which one am I? 50. Right, right.

So here we go. Tommy and Carl walk onto the stage to applause and cheers from the audience. Good evening Melbourne! Oh now you fucking wake up. The audience just going, line! Good evening Melbourne! We're back for another edition of The Little Dum Dum Club. We've got special guests, hilarious segments and of course

our trademark banter that you've come to know and love. But first we've got to address the elephant in the room. Carl, I have to ask you, did you bring any whoopee cushions or fake spiders with you tonight? This is good shit. Who writes this? That's not part

of the script, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Ha! Classic me. No, Tommy, I, sorry. Ha! Classic me. No, Tommy, I didn't. But I did bring something even better. My quick wit and razor-sharp sense of humour. Great! How are you doing tonight, Carl?

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I've had a bit of an accident. I was out for a run earlier today. And I had a little bit of an accident. I was out for a run earlier today and I had a little bit of an unexpected bowel movement. Luckily, I was able to find a public restroom nearby, but I have to say, it's not the best way to start the day. I can only imagine, but hey, at least it's made for a

good story, right? I guess so, Tommy, and who knows, maybe it'll inspire some of our listeners to live their best life and take up running. Wouldn't I love to? But you know who's really living their best life? You with your man cave filled with toys.

Ah, yes, my man cave. It's my happy place, Carl. I've got my action figures, my model trains, my comic books. It's a paradise for the inner child in me. I have to say, Tommy, I'm a bit jealous. I don't have a man cave myself, but I can imagine it's a great place to unwind and let your imagination run wild. It's finally like I'm speaking like a normal person. Absolutely.

And you know what the best part is, Carl? I can play with my toys as much as I want and nobody can judge me for it. I'm not judging you, Tommy. In fact, I think it's great that you're keeping your inner child alive. We should all take a page out of your book and remember to play and have fun from time to time. I don't know this person.

Anyway, Tommy, I have to say, I saw something strange on the menu at the cafe earlier. Oh, really? What was it? A duck sandwich, Tommy. Can you believe it? I mean, I like duck as much as the next guy,

but putting it between two slices of bread, that's just quackers. You read the line it says the audience groans and laughs at the pun. Well Carl, I guess you could say that sandwich was a real sitting duck.

No, it says you laugh and applaud. Ha! Good one, Tommy. Looks like we're starting this show off on the right foot. Absolutely, Carl. And speaking of ducks, we've got a great line-up of guests tonight.

So let's get quacking. So what are you... I think the AI's done a pretty fucking good job there. Yeah, it's punched up some of the audience's behaviour quacking. So I think the AI's done a pretty fucking good job there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's punched up some of the audience's behaviour as well. That's good. So really the only thing that was off about it was like the AI, clearly it's gone through whatever of the podcast

and been like any mention of me having toys is you making fun of me. And the AI's just made the judgement call of like, this isn't proper. What if it was a bit nicer to him about it? It's detected I've only got one joke. I don't know. Maybe next time I'll get it to write us the entire hour. We'll just come back next week and have full AI-generated content.

What do you guys think? Yeah, you guys seem keen on that. All right. Maybe I can ask the AI if it knows why I might have been contacted to be on a dating show. Please. I'd love to know. I'd love to know the set-up of that.

All right. Should we get our guests out here? Yes, please. Guys, we have an absolutely huge line-up today on the show for you. Please welcome to the stage our guests Tom Ballard, Melanie Bracewell and Rove McManus. Yes! Hello, everyone!

Wowzers. Oh, look, a little love triangle. This is good. I think I might have the answer. I looked it up, okay? Yep, okay. Oh, here we go. No offence, Tommy, but I think we have the answer here.

The series of Love Triangle sees contestants challenged to find a connection with someone without physically seeing them. Maybe that's for the best. And only communicating via text or calls. Alright. I'm alright over text.

I'm falling in love with this 12 year old girl. What a love triangle. So you're like a reveal. Right, right. The curtain goes up and it's like, oh. And it's like, the curtain goes up and it says, Tommy Desai, bracket, 40.

Bracket. Question mark. You're like, I just love triangle. Yeah, why is it called Love Triangle if it's just you going back and forth with one person? I guess maybe you might fall in love with multiple people. Sure, sure. And then you go for the hottest one. Well, I think now I have to do it.

Yeah. I think I got the same message. I think lots of comedians, no offence again, but I think lots of comedians... Boy, it just gets worse and worse for 40-year-old Tommy, doesn't it? You should get the AI to write all the little messages that you have to... Oh, shit! No, no, that's the show. It's half human competing and half AI,

and then it comes up and it's like, sucked in, you want to fuck a robot. Oh, yeah. He was just so quackers, I couldn't resist. You know what, they didn't even see your festival show. They just peeped in your window and saw you sticking your dick in your computer and went, this is the guy. The fun part of the show will be you pretending that's not what you want.

When Tommy's fucking the computer, it's like, da-dun, da-dun. When Tommy's fucking the computer It's like Da-dun Da-dun It's like man That'd be so That's horrifying Just to think

You fucking your computer And you're going to sleep Yeah Just remembering my parents Are at this one So that's Oh yeah That's just a fun time

For the entire Dasolo family today They know They've seen enough That's great I love that idea That new idea Your name's Tommy Nassau.

You didn't change that name. Your parents just changed their name to Allsop. They were so embarrassed by my performance on Love Triangle, what I was trying to do to that Pentium. What is the hottest computer, guys? Let's get into it. Oh, of course. That's good. Commodore 69. That's get into it. Of course. That's good.

Only this fucking crowd. Was that because Mel and Rove, you guys were sitting up the back in a booth just hanging out before the show and some of our listeners came and kicked you out and said, this is our seat. Was that that guy? It was just classic passive-aggressive dum-dum club audience.

You don't want to sit here, do you? I thought it was a bit more of like, oh, you don't mind if we sit here? And you guys thought, oh, some fans. And then you got up and left and they're like, good. Yeah, he was like, oh, can we sit with you guys? And we thought, well, we're going to get

locked in if you sit on those bits. So we'll just go. And he went, I thought you would. That's great. Now, sorry, apologies, by the way, with the introduction. Rove, we didn't mean to use your slave name. Wait, what? Because we are a little bit

obsessed with that your real name is John. Oh, yes. We want to live in the old... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hang on. Mel, you thought his birth name was Rove? Yeah.

Well, your name's Dassilo. That's worse. That is worse. That's the first crazy Australian name. That's blown my mind. I know. I think You showed John How shit would that be?

John Live John Live John Live John Live Is it exciting to know That someone wants John To say hi to their mum More than us?

This just sounds like A guy in an alleyway Wearing a coat And nothing else No but I love that idea You getting all those International guests And it's like

Do you want to come And do John? Yeah I love the idea That out there There's a guests and it's like, do you want to come and do John? Yeah. I love the idea that out there there's a multiverse and it's exactly the same as this universe, but the one difference is that the most famous comedian in the country is just called John. Just a man called John.

Yeah. And I reckon you should almost embrace it more and go back to John but change your last name to Live. Oh. John Live. That's a, well. John Live. That's a great name. Please, Rove Live was my father. That's Mr. Live to you.

I'm sorry, I'm sure you've told this story a million times. Where did Rove come from? I wish I had a more entertaining one. I used to just flat out lie when I first started. Were you just like, I'm a straight white man. If I'm John, that's so much harder. The actual story is...

No, that was back when it was still cool to do. When it was cool to be a straight white man. My two older sisters gave me the nickname when I was younger and none of us remember where it comes from. It's just that I grew up with that and that's what everyone in my family called me.

If I did that, I would be Bitch Bracelet. Not bad. I'd watch Bitch Live. Bitch Live. Bitch Live. Why did my sisters think of that? Bitching productions. I like that.

Say hi to your bitch for me. You won't be laughing like that when I'm making Love Triangle. Bought the rights, just as you mentioned. Again, the producer. But yeah, it was... And then when I started stand-up, only about a year out of high school. So before... I didn't want anyone who knew me by my birth name in high school

coming to see me. Your dead name. Yeah, my actual name. So I thought I'll just perform under the nickname that my family called me and then that just kind of stuck, which is fine because it's what I preferred being called over the years anyway. Yeah. But then people would come to me and just go, oh, hello, John, wink. I'm like, it's what I preferred being called over the years anyway. Yeah. But then people will come to me and just go,

Oh, hello, John. Wink. I'm like, it's on Wikipedia. It's not a huge fucking secret. Okay, you can have the table. You can have the table. You mean what we did just then? Yeah, cool.

It was a question on Millionaire Hot Seat with Eddie, and the person completely got it wrong. What did they think your real name was? I don't know. I think they just completely, I think they said Andrew O'Keefe.

I don't know why it was an option. He just staggered into the room and they just blurted it out. That's even better. Andrew Live.

I think they just spotted him. Oh, Andrew O'Keefe. Andrew O'Live. Samel Mel but seriously what's your actual name though because surely

it is bitch no I'm just Melanie I went with I was actually I kept it real do you think there have been people

who have actually been named Rove who are fans of you I know that babies weren't called Rove I know that people have there are and do they know that your real name is fucking fans of you? I know that babies weren't called Rove. I know that people have. And do they know that your real name

is fucking John? Yeah. Do you think there's been babies named John after you? No, no way. John the baby. We named you John, you know, after Rove.

But I have received lots of emails and messages over the years from people saying, I've named my son Rove, and so I just wanted to know what the background history of the name is. And I'm like, you have gone about this the wrong way. The question you are asking should have happened nine months ago before now you have sent some child

out into the world who's going to get beaten up in the sandpit. Unless he has a small desk and can host his own show. Did you really just change your name

because John means toilet and you also have anus in your name? That's it. That's exactly it. What I should have done is lost it. What a bitch.

How did you do that joke and we three missed it? I'm seeing a missed opportunity. I should have kept the John and lost the MCM and then just been John Anus. Damn. I want to have my whole life

all over again. John Anus just asked me who I'd turn gay for. How I feel about this. That kind of makes sense. Who would you, Tom? Again. No, again.

Who would you... This time around. That was... Was that the greatest moment on your show ever when Kevin Rudd was asked, who would you turn gay for? And he said, my wife. Yeah.

He had so much time to think it through. As the Prime Minister, that's all anyone... I know this was when he was running the BPM, and everyone was like, it all hinges on this last question, whether he gets it right or wrong, and I'm sure his PR people have been poring over it for weeks and weeks and weeks, to the point where the bit was, it was called 20 bucks in 20 seconds,

I would just ask random questions, and if I liked the answers, they would get 20 bucks. And the last question no matter what else we asked was always who would you turn gay for and so he knew it was coming everyone knew it was coming

to the point where I even said look these other questions are irrelevant we know it's all leading to the last one but let's just do this anyway and then he said his wife and I was just like

what are you talking about and without thinking I just instinctively said what your wife's a man or are you a woman? That's fine are you really? And I actually

peeled his face off. Turns out it wasn't a mask. So yeah still Cameron Diaz was the best one which was who says you have to

turn gay? And I thought that was going to be like okay fair enough. She said what you suck one dick and you're gay? That's how it works yeah that's how it works yeah that's how it works

that's how it works that's how they get you the first taste is free what was the pitch meeting like that when you came up with that segment titled was there any ones

that got knocked back like imagine being gay who's cum do you want to drink who would you who would you fuck in the face a lot? It's like,

well, it's either that or what the? What do we want to... What do we think we'll sell more tea for? The original name for what the was what the faggot? Is that the correct name? What the hell is in my ass?

That's why it was dot, dot, dot. Bring back John Live. Yeah, bring back John Live. Well, you know you've got to talk to British Productions. Can you get your production company, Johnning Enterprises, to fire it back up? Absolutely. Let's do it.

Kevin Rudd's like, who's in my ass? My wife. Isn't that just the most typical spineless labour position? Just take a fucking position on whose cock you would suck. I've never had Senator Bob Brown

on, and I had to ask him who he would turn straight for. God, this is going to be bad. The trees or something. He said, Kevin Rudd's wife. You alright, Tom? He said, I would normally say Mother Nature.

But instead I'll say Missy Higgins. That's what he went for. Which is a horrible visual. That's when I went, we can't do horrible visual. Yeah, no one's happy. That's when I went, we can't do this segment anymore. The gays have ironically ruined this. Zoe! I would love to see the inside, the Kevin Rudd,

yeah, like you were saying. The think tank. The people working on it all week. Ah, what's a funny answer? Liberace? What's a good answer? What's a good answer for the hopeful future PM to want to fuck? Who does the majority of Australia want to fuck against their will? You can just pick a Hugh Jackman or something.

Just go with it. Go with Barack Obama. There's easy options. Say a hot man. We used to actually have to say to people beforehand, you can't say me. Too many people try to get it. All right, mate. All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very fuckable. I'm very fuckable for 62. Now, Cameron Diaz, I know what you're thinking. I know, I know. That's the first place he goes. Before, please. Jennifer Aniston, before you answer the question.

I know you want a bit of this, John. Call me John. We've been talking about this a bit. A lot of Thai restaurants still opening in Bourke Street. They are absolutely multiplying. When will it end? It's so good. we've been talking about this a bit, a lot of Thai restaurants still opening in Bourke Street. Yeah. They are absolutely multiplying. When will it end? Yeah. It's so good.

It's the best time of my life. My 50s are great after all, yeah. So there's a new one, there's a brand new one around the corner and I've ingratiated myself obviously already. And so I've been going there and I know I've been there too many times already. It's only been in open about three weeks.

I went there the other day and I sat at the front and I had lunch and I'm just sitting there by myself and a homeless man just walked past and goes, here you go, mate,

and gave me a computer mouse. What? Free mouse? Yeah. Is this because you're the podcast guy? Yeah, yeah. There you go, mate.

Do your little editing with that. Did Tommy try to have sex with her? Right in the ball hole. Oh yeah, you take out the ball and then you, yeah, right. So I go,

You're 50. Yeah, that makes sense. Me being 40. So he just goes, and I'm like, you know, I'm just going to take this like the most natural thing in the world. And he walks by and goes, there you go, mate. And I go, thanks, mate.

And just kept it there while I ate my curry. And then the mouse was there. And then I just didn't think of anything of it at all. And then three weeks later, I came back to the same restaurant and I ordered dinner. And then the waitress came out with the mouse and goes, you forgot this. I thought you were going to say you took the mouse and then you come back and you get mouse pad or keyboard. And you're just slowly going to get the entire computer that's in the back office. It's like one of those magazine things you buy.

Week by week it builds into a Commodore 69 and then you phone it at the cafe. First one comes with the big binder. That's it. To put them all in. Free with issue one. What did you say? Did you explain why? She must have been very confused. That's it. To put them all in. Free with issue one. What did you say? Did you explain why?

She must have been very confused. Yeah, yeah. No, she was. She was. Yeah. Hey, it's the podcast guy over here. Oh, he's always talking into the microphone. For those listening at home,

Carl suddenly forgot how microphones work. He's talking into a beer. Christ. 13th year of doing this. Yeah. Dickie Nee's really upset. He is so shaking his head. The crowd mic's not going

to pick that up. No, yeah, no, very confused. I said, that's not my mouse. I go, you had it. And I go, you had it. Don't you put this mouse on us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, a homeless man gave it to me And I'm like I've got to end this conversation I don't know if it makes any sense I love the image of them Watching you walk off And it's just like

Your empty plate And then just the mouse Still sitting there It's like this Motherfucker Who brings a mouse along To a Thai restaurant By itself with no computer

It's fucking crazy. You're just going to plug it into the pad Thai? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who accepts a mouse from a homeless man? I'm not going to fight a homeless man over the possession of a mouse. He needs it more than you do. But he didn't want it. He gave it to me.

He made it really expressly clear that he thinks I should have it. He was really like, mate, this is for you. And then you just left it at the restaurant. Yeah. You piece of shit. expressly clear that he thinks I should have it. He was really like, mate, this is for you. And then you just left it at the restaurant. Yeah. You piece of shit. Yeah, he was probably watching outside

as you left. Yeah. Heartbroken. Just a single tear rolled down his horribly grubby little cheek. Yeah.

Exactly. Best wash he's had for a while. Yeah. So has he, he's walked past, has he then like spotted you and

walked in? Was he already in there? No, he didn't walk past. It seems like the way you're telling the story, he specifically eyeballed you with the idea, now that guy looks like he needs a mouse. Yeah, yeah.

No, I feel like that's what it was. That's exactly what it was. Was it a homeless guy or was it someone who just works at JB Hi-Fi? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. We've got a few JB Hi-Fi listeners, so if that was you, bring us another one. I lost that one.

The Thai restaurant has that one. Yeah, I've never thought of it like this, but yeah, our crowd does look like the staff Christmas party at JB Hi-Fi, doesn't it? Go on, I'm 69! I got another email during the week, actually, from someone speaking at World Wing's shows

at the Comedy Festival. I got an email from someone who runs a massage clinic and they've done a lot of sports stuff and they're trying to branch out into like, hey, you're doing a show for a month. Maybe it's a good thing, you can come in. And this guy gave me a list of recent clients that they've had through the door in the world of the performing arts.

He's like, here's some people that we've given massages to lately. Bring Me The Horizon. The band. The whole band? Yep. Billy Brownless. Billy Brownless? The Venga Boys. And Gareth Reynolds.

This was the big pitch. I think Dave Anthony was meant to go in and then just didn't show up. There we go. But yeah, that's not bad. Does that entice you to get a little mid-festival massage from these people? I don't need enticing. Did it read like this? Hope you're well.

We are mobile my therapy, sports therapy and massage business in Melbourne. We specialise in providing massage sessions to touring artists. Oh, Tony, you're getting the same thing. Gareth Reynolds. Yeah, I got it too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Venga Boys. Oh, Tommy, you're getting the same thing. Gareth Reynolds, yeah, I got it too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Venga Boys. Bring me the horizon. There you go.

But let me ask you, up the top of... Shit, should I not have got back to them? Up the top of mine it said, Dear Tommy, what did it say up the top of yours? Hey, John. Yes! Yes! Yes!

See, you should say yes as long as your name gets added to that spam. Yeah, right. Yes, celebrity clients with mass ads include John. John. Yeah, you can use my name for promo, but I'm going to have to insist that you delete Bring Me The Horizon off the list and it be just John. Man, have I gotten any communication this week that was just for me?

I was about to say my mum saw my show last night and texted me that she loved it, but I don't want to fucking hear that. I got a message from your mum saying she loved it too. Oh, Mike. You're 50. She's here. You are 50 years old. I'm not.

How terribly unbecoming of you. I got an email this morning saying that cancer came back, but I think that could have been for the... Yeah. I'm not sure. That might have been... I should pass that on. Yeah, right.

You're the one other person in the city called Tom, so it's an easy mistake to make. You're a terrible clinic. Yeah. Sorry, a bit of backstory, John. I had cancer and it's very funny. No, no, it's very aware. John live, Tom not so live. clinic. Yeah. Sorry, a bit of backstory, John. I had cancer and it's very funny. Very aware.

John live, Tom not so live. Who would you get chemo from? Oh, it's good to laugh. The best years of my life. Now this is podcasting. This has really split the two sides of the stage. The three of us loving it.

Mel and John just looking horrified. If I was like, fucking cancer. I'm seeing it in your eyes that you've got a few, the cogs are turning, but you just don't know me quite well enough yet. I will be honest, I didn't know until now. I'll be honest, I thought you still had it. Hey, man.

I mean, that's the only explanation, surely. Fuck, he johnned me. You got johnned me. Yeah. You got johnned. Good old-fashioned johnning. John, now John, if I can call you that.

Yes, you may. Please do now. If I can call you that for the tenth time tonight. That's the other thing. You are effectively my boss as well. Sure. I mean, you own the project. Yes. I've worked for the project for, I think, mean, you own the project. Yes.

I've worked for the project for, I think, 12, 13 years or something like that. I worked for it in New Zealand as well, so you were my boss at one stage as well. Yes, because we have the New Zealand project. I protested out the front of there the other day. Another link. I just want the old ones back. I just wasn't happy.

Probably time for a performance review? Yeah, how am I doing? Am I alright? It's a good... It's a great gig. I... I implore anybody to... It's not a shareholder meeting.

To get paid for just watching something on television I'd floor anybody to... It's not a shareholder meeting. To get paid for just watching something on television that isn't Gogglebox. But, yeah, I highly recommend it. It's been very good to me during the pandemic to run a show that is about the news. I don't know what everyone's complaining about. It was great. I sat at home and the checks just kept rolling in.

Were they all from Hugh Z? Yeah. Do you? I sat at home and the checks just kept rolling in. Were they all from Hugh's ear? Yeah. She's so needy. How much do you have to do with the show? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Wow. I'm the mother bird of it, as in I just eat food and then regurgitate it into their mouths.

And then once they get sick of that, I just let them go and fly and up to as many Christian lobby groups as they can without my... This metaphor doesn't make any sense at all. I don't know what's happening. Is that why Carrie left? And she kept shitting on my car. What are we doing here? What is this? Now it makes sense. I'd wear a big leather glove and she'd come and on my car. What are we doing here? What is this?

Now it makes sense. I'd wear a big leather glove and she'd come and sit on it and then... But I had to put a hood over her eyes or she'd just start attacking

like computer mice which was really weird. Is it comforting to know that if you ever went crazy and committed a bunch of crimes that there'd be at least one news program that probably wouldn't report on it?

Yeah. Absolutely. Because that would incentivise me news program that probably wouldn't report on it. Yeah. Absolutely. Because that would incentivise me, honestly. That's the whole reason I did it. It's good to have a failsafe. Yeah. Just in case you want to be that guy. Oh, yeah. I just realised you're sort of like the left-wing Rupert Murdoch. Oh, what a hideous visual.

Oh, no, sorry. I just, um, no, I just had flashbacks to a wonderful line in Tom Ballard's show If you haven't gone To see it yet Go see it Oh thanks That's all I'll say

What a hook It sounded like you liked it But you also described it As flashbacks Like it was Oh god Horrible I remember

Not on reference But what What are people meant to do My audiences have PTSD Yeah what are people Meant to do at home Just pause the podcast and go, oh, fuck, I guess I'd better get a ticket.

Yes. Yes, they should. Hopefully. 9.15, Victoria Hotel. It is I. Every night of the festival. But what's really the name of the title of your show? It is I.

No, let's be serious. It's Tom Live. There we go. There we go. Yeah, and Rove's show is called Rove McManus. It is John. I'm still not bored of it. It is Will.

Never get old. Rove McManus, it is not I. Just to keep it interesting. It'll never get old, unlike you. Yeah. Hey, I could cop off from them, but not from you. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Well, that's the line. Have a crack at the cancer, no problem. But please leave the healthy old man alone. I'm younger than you. Have you no decency? I'm younger than you. Old white men have suffered enough, okay? You've got the Merrick Watts...

We don't know how long he's got. You've got the Merrick Watts thing going on. How does that mean? You've got the guy that's older than he looks thing going on. Something's going on. The oil of Ulan's fucking deal. Just start moisturizing. Stop sucking up to your boss, Carl.

Jesus. I just thought it might have got me a race for the first time in eight years. But anyway. See, this is the shit. The real thing is that you have the power to fire Carl. And I just, I really think we should. I just like to keep him guessing. Just start moisturising your 30 kids.

That's all, that's all it takes. And then just do not do manual labour. Yes. We're all way ahead of you. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been doing and I still look like this. I look older than you. And much sicker too.

Like not just older, but much sicker. Don't just be, oh, I look older than you. No, you don't. And sicker, like really sicker. Seriously sicker. We should just stop and get some medical help. I just want to be sure. I just don't want to feel guilty about all the cancer jokes

if something happens at the end of this. What do I hate about? Can someone... You know how you say, is there a doctor? Is there somebody who can do a white cell blood count in the house? Actually, yeah, maybe if I went on Love Triangle, I'd still pick up because the girl would see me and go, oh, well, he's dying.

So I'd better... Just a handy at least. How long-term could this relationship be? Really? What's it? What, a weak commitment here? I'll get in his will, I'll get all that sweet podcast guy money and then he'll cark it. This is like, what I hate about our audience is... Do tell. Double up today.

The views expressed by Carl Chandler do not represent the rest of the panel. Please come see my show, It is I, 915 Victoria. But they're supposed to be fans of us and every time we get a fucking billionaire on the show, they start shitting on us and they're like, hooray for Rupert.

I do imagine you as a teenager in the early 2000s watching Rove Live and going, one day that guy's going to call me a sick cancer car. And then all your friends around you in the early 2000s watching Rove Live and going, one day that guy's going to call me a sick cancer car. What a beautiful life. And then all your friends

around you going, you fucking wish. One day when I grow up and get better from this, he's going to insist I haven't. Yeah. Yeah, I've got the,

I've got the drip in my arm. I'm receiving the transfusion. I'm just seeing him on the TV being like, yeah, that's going to be great. Something to live for. Well, he gives my friend money. I would turn gay for bone marrow.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good show. That is a good... I would watch. I would watch. I just bagged the format right. Shut up, everybody.

I'm going in halves on that with a massage therapist. I remember vividly being, like, 11 and getting a blood transfusion and being, like, really freaked out by the fact that I had someone else's blood in me. And then being, like, I just, like, was feeling weird all night. And I said to my mum, Mum, when you have a blood transfusion, do you, like, from that other person, do you, like, turn into that person? Like, am I going to start, like... Am I going to turn into this Magic Johnson?

Fuck you, that is a classic Chandler reference. I'm not pretending to be anyone I'm not. Rad, man. Who would you turn Magic for? Who would you get AIDS for? Magic Douglas. Yeah, right. There we go.

Oh, podcast guy. Guys, this was all written by ChatGBT. Okay, we're just reciting the script. Suddenly the homeless guy wants his mouse back. But yeah, I was like freaked out that I would like start to take on the personality of the person who'd given me blood. And I'd said to, I'm like 11. And I say to mum, oh, is this what's going to happen? And she goes, I don't know.

Mum's a teacher, by the way. Does that mean every time I give blood now, I can say, but not to Tommy Dazzle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who wants a little bit of John? That's great. Look, every time they do take something out, I'm just like, if they knew. Part of me wants them to know You're welcome

Oh yeah Because the blood Just goes out there Just goes out there Someone's got a bit of Sweet John Bit of John floating around Sweet John A positive

Wow Didn't even study It's actually me I stole it from The medical clinic I don't need it Just got a stash of it Just for when the apocalypse comes.

Mel has a fresh... Anyone need some rope, bud? Who needs some showbiz blood? That's very funny for you to put down on the form. My blood's actually John positive. No, we're going to keep saying John. It's going to keep being funny, guys. Normally people say, I've got a bit of, you know,

I've got showbiz in my blood. I just have blood like in my house. Homemade showbiz blood. Buckets of it. Right for the picket. Not stored properly. No.

So should we get into... Should we do this? Should we start the show? Yeah. I think the dress rehearsal has gone quite well. What do you think? Great sound check, everybody.

Robes, like, this show's about as good as our warm-up used to be on the old show. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. John. It'll come back. Don't worry. We have our own show that we're pitching at the moment.

Now, we had this idea a few weeks ago. People have demanded that we do it live. I listened back to the episode of the birth of the yard this morning, and the hope in your voices, which is just incredible. This is going to be massive, everyone's going to love this. The people will be bailing for it. I don't think we've got one message

about it. So what the concept is, it's like the voice, except instead of someone singing beautifully, and someone with their back to the person, it's like The Voice except instead of someone singing beautifully and someone with their back to the person it's someone, one of you fuckheads telling us a story and then us, if it sucks

we turn around. We walk out on the story. Now that I say it out loud, not as funny as I remember it. But. And the winning yarn gets put onto a disc that's going to be sent into space. Yes, you know what else? So there are actual prizes.

Let me say the prizes because we've taken down some names and this is to inspire you guys to yarn even better than you previously were going to. So the prizes are we have some gift vouchers sent to us from... A homeless guy in a Thai restaurant. Oh, fuck. From the good people at Ni Ni Chicken. So we've got some gift vouchers from them now. Are they good people?

Have you met them? They gave us this. Yeah, that's something. That's something. A lot of people don't give us food. So don't shit on the sponsor. Yeah. I'll do what I want.

Sorry, John. Shit away. Do you want this blood or not? One of the prizes is John's blood. Surprise! It was good because they contacted me and I said, and I pitched them a proposal where they sponsored us for thousands of dollars and they emailed back and said,

how about a couple of $50 vouchers? And I said, done. It's good negotiating. Yeah, so we've got some of them. And also I bought, there is, straight after this show, there is actually a Thai food street festival down the street and I bought a bunch of tickets to it. Oh my God.

Yeah. What? So you're out of pocket now. Yeah, yeah. So I bought a bunch of tickets to it. I'm going to go with my friends. I bought a couple of extra tickets because it was like sold out. It's so hard to get into. All this sort of stuff. This is a cool thing to give out.

And I read about it today and they go, yeah, we're just giving them out for free now. So the cost of those tickets, they are worth literally nothing now. So you could win this ticket or you could just walk in. It doesn't matter. I wonder if more or less people would have signed up to do the yarn if they knew the prize was win a date with Carl Chandler.

But the one good thing is it said it comes with a guaranteed entry, which has been downgraded to please walk in this morning. But it also said it came with a free drink. And I'm like, oh, great, a long neck of Singer. And I found out, I looked into the terms and conditions, it's one strawberry spritzer. So that is what we're giving away today. One strawberry spritzer and some chicken.

50 bucks at Nae Nae Chicken. And all you have to do to get it is be humiliated by a bunch of comedians as you try to tell us the most amazing story of your life. I mean... Can he throw on a massage from the people

who did the thing? Yeah, can we throw that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this person, I mean, obviously this yarn concept is going to go... I mean, you know,

we've got the head of Johnny Enterprises here. So he's going to watch the pilot episode and so hopefully then it's on TV within a week. Carl will be working on it, much like the project,

and now I know he's negotiating skills. He is going to be fucked up the arse. We could get this massage guy on board as like, you know, the Allied Pickfords of our show, you know, just in the credits every week. Yeah. I love the idea. That would be great, in the credits.

Just to say, cast and crew choose to just randomly walk in to a time street festival, get a free spritzer and leave. Yep. And with Johnny Productions on board, we know it's going to be real finger on the pulse given we've heard how he treats the project. I sit home and cash the cheques. Good luck cashing this cheque for nothing.

All right, so it's not like we haven't thought this out. We've got some chairs. Whoa. Wow. No expense spared. Oh, my God. Wow. They look like they're covered in...

Wow. Perfect. Okay. Is that Carl's wallet? Yes it is No don't I've got a new TV show I've got a few fitties if you don't mind

Grandad still has cash on him That's so sweet So sweet His real name is Boris? What the fuck? How old's a condom? Fifty. Condoms.

These are the receipts and stuff. There's nothing interesting here at all. Yeah. Don't touch the other card. Oh shit, there it is! You touched it. I touched it, there it is. You touched it. I touched it. I'm gay.

You're gay. Imagine. Okay, so how's this going to... Yeah, we need to make some room for our contestants to get up. So this is the judging panels here. Yeah, maybe you're here. You're back here. Yeah, we'll fix...

John will fix up this in post. It's fine. While you're doing this, I did look up the definition of yarn because it's very interesting. There are two definitions. There is the, you know, a long rambling story,

especially one that is implausible, i.e. he never let reality get in the way of a good yarn. But it's also Aboriginal English and the description here says describes an informal conversation or storytelling in a culturally safe environment. Now, would you guys describe the Little Dumb Dumb Club as a culturally safe environment?

I would say neither of those words are true. Very good. Good to hear. Now, we have a theme. Oh, sorry. Thank you. We have a theme, if we can play that. Here we go. We have a theme if we can play that? Here we go.

Welcome to Australia's least demanded new reality show, The Yarn. Where real life contestants tell their yarn to a panel of celebrity judges in the hope of having their story sent into space. Or something like that. I'm not sure. It wasn't really made clear. To be honest, I didn't listen to the episode when they talked about it. I like the recent live episode from Adelaide, though. Anyway. Please welcome the hosts of The Yarn.

He's the king of South Australian anal. It's Tommy Dasolo. And a man who appears to be wearing a pair of young ladies jeans, it's Carl Chandler. Welcome to the Yarn. Welcome to the Yarn, everyone. Can I... Now, you and I both worked on theme tunes at the same time.

Can I just quickly play you mine? Because I think it's a slightly different approach, but also good. The yawn. The yawn. So, you know, two different approaches. Both with merit in their own ways. You got a bill of life for mine. I had to pay for mine. Fuck, all right.

Hey, welcome to The Yarn. Now, look, we have asked for contestants before the show. Let's see how this goes. We initially thought this would be a great idea to do a pre-interview of everyone, and then we didn't do any of that. So we just asked for people to write their names down on the bar. And so let's read one of them out. God, I'm on the edge of my seat.

This could be how we die. Isn't this exciting? This is now talking dum-dum. We're just reading out names. Let's do five yarns. Just to clarify, so if we don't like the yarn, we're going to turn around? Yes. Okay, and do we comment

or roast or congratulate or get involved during the yarn? You can get involved completely. Yeah, no, we'd like you to sit here in silence on this podcast, please. Just, yeah, that's all we want on an audio podcast is just the slight sound of swivelling. That's all we want, guys. Shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry. Amp up the chair. Just try to help. And we spin at the point we feel the yarn has lost our ears. You're just out. As soon as you're out, you swivel. And if we love the yarn, we stay looking. We need to pitch to them to be their yarn coach.

I don't mind that. Sure. Punch it up. I can't wait for the yarn battle round. It's going to be amazing. Yarn v. yarn. And this is not the end of a Graham Norton episode. No.

No, no, no. Who's that? That's the thing we found out afterwards. That's something 50 people told us afterwards. We had this great original idea. This is an unsuccessful version, okay? All right? Okay, now, do you want to have a crack at that one or do I do it?

Oh, cool. All right. Okay, let's first cab off the rank. Matria Edwards. Excellent. Yes, please. I mean, also, to be fair, Mel,

they've stolen two shows' ideas, not just the one. Oh, what was the other show we stole? Well, it's obviously The Voice and Graham Norton. Oh, yes.

Right. And obviously... I don't want anyone thinking like it's just Graham Norton. Oh, get out. Hey, Matria. A very lovely tall gentleman with long hair and a shark tattoo.

By the way, I think it would be fun for us to get a look at the contestants and then try and guess what we think their yarn is about. I hope it's how you got that sweet shark tattoo. Oh, yeah, there it is. Freshie as well, so I appreciate that. Oh, it is? Yeah, thanks, John. Yeah, it's good, mate.

It's good. Drugs, I guess drugs. I was going to say. Is it a person riding it is? Yeah, thanks, John. Yeah, it's good, mate. It's good. Drugs, I guess drugs. I was going to say Is it a person riding a shark? Yeah. It's got to be a story. It can't be just one night I drank bong water. I'm going to lock in drugs for 400, thanks, guys. This is a new show.

This is Yarn Jeopardy now. What's your name? Matriah. Matriah's my name, yeah. Wow. I don't reckon you even need a story, dude. Do you want to just host the little Dundun Club now? This guy rules. I'd give him my blood.

I would give him my blood. Something tells me he doesn't like getting injections of any kind. Welcome to Matriah Live. I try my best, I do. My story is, it's about... No, you go. Yeah. If I may.

Yeah, yeah. My story is about dog piss. All right, so... All right. It's pretty quackers. I was... From before. I, uh,

so I went on a first date with this young lady a few years ago. It was very nice. We went and we walked our dogs together. My husband bought a collar.

She's a coolie. It was very cool. I'm lost already somehow. Born raconteur. It's just a character. I'm sorry. I, uh... It's like, you know, things progress.

It's like Blakey meets Kappa somehow in one. It's an incredible combo. Sorry, everyone else who put your name down, thanks, but I don't think we'll be needing you. We'll give you a voucher. It's an incredible combo Sorry everyone else Who put your name down Thanks but I don't think We'll be needing you We'll give you a voucher Just don't try

And follow this Nah So yeah It went alright It went good She's a nice lady And she has an even better dog Is that your real voice?

Yeah Okay I Matreya It's meant to be Like the next Buddha on earth And my dad Named me Matreya For the next Buddha like the next Buddha on earth and my dad named me Matreya

for the next Buddha oh sub story yeah I still think he thought what I was going to sound like before I fucking got conceived but here we go

it's alright so you got named I don't think before he had sex with your mum he was thinking what's this baby going to sound like you got

you got named after a Buddha so you decided to try and smoke all the beer? Yeah, we're in Rome though, so. So, me and this young, nice lady, we get to this third date, right? And I don't know, I don't really want to talk out of tongue here, but on the third one, sometimes people can get a little bit, you know, have a go on your third date.

We went on a hike and that was really good. It was a little bit wet. It was drizzling and that was cool. We went on a hike and then we came back to my house and that was really cool. Wait. I discovered... Were the dogs there?

Her dog was not. My dog, Todd, was... Todd. Why is the dog the one with the normal name? Were your parents on what you're on now when they named... We've got to name the child and the dog. Dog, Todd, child, magical Mr Mistoffelees. Is this like a Rover John thing?

Is your real name Bill or Ted? All right, we can't make this more interesting. I do have three brothers, and their names are Ben, Gray and Danny. So I've got my tryout, yeah. I feel like the old man's rolled some dice, just hasn't come up good. You know what I mean? That's fucking... But here I am.

It's good. Good on you guys. Good on you. You're a terrific crowd. Never forget that. You're fucking Splendour in the Grass personified. So, of course, everyone else has an equal 45 minutes to go this time. Just making sure it's a else has an equal 45 minutes to go.

Just making sure it's a level playing field. I have one question. How much chicken can you eat? Let's give it a crack, mate. Anyway, so third date, we go back to my house. I let my dog go outside of my room because, obviously, respect. And I... OK, this is where it gets...

I don't really know how I'm going to word this, but, okay, eventually at some stage I was receiving a blowjob. If this story ends with us all... That's not from the dog. You're right, that's how you say it. That's how you actually say it. I played the fifth, played the fifth. I don't know any other way and you didn't try.

There is so much goodwill for Matreya in the room right now and I cannot wait to see that be pissed up against the wall whatever happens next in this story. Nah, it was good. I think you should have just started the story with we're walking our dogs and somehow I got a blowjob. Yada, yada, yada, I'm getting me dicks up. I respect the backstory though.

It's good to have context. Yeah, is that to win over the crowd? It's like, oh, he likes dogs. He's a cool person. All of a sudden, he's getting sucked off. Okay, well, he's got a nice dog. He's the ender. Thank you.

So, yeah, one thing I discovered about this individual is she was very nice, but when it came to the bedroom, all of a sudden, a flip kind of scripted. I don't know how you word that. A flip, a flip. What? You know how you flip the script. A switch.

You flip the script a little bit, yeah. Flip the script or the switch? Bit of both. You flipped the script switch. Yes, yes. Man, I cannot wait to eat Thai food with you. So you should.

What would that mean? This response is making me hate our audience, honestly. Nah, so, all of a sudden she got quite talkative and so she was... Tommy, I'm getting scared. This guy's gone, I've got a great story. I got sucked off the end.

No, but, like, I mean, I don't really want to admit this in front of a room full of people, but... Yes, you do. You're the first name on the list. And you emailed us as well. in front of a room full of people. Yes, you do. You're the first name on the list. And you emailed us as well. I saw the email on the bus. I'm like, fuck, I'll give it a crack.

So anyway, so I did get like, she scratched me a little bit. I was like, that's a bit fucking, you know, that's a bit tongue in cheek. I don't like it. But I will commit for the role. And so she was quite talkative. And during this job, she was coming up. She was recording a podcast. Yeah.

But she would just say things that just weren't quite, you know, she'd say, like, stop looking like that or something like that. It's a bit weird. Hang on. While your dick is in her mouth? Yeah, like, if you can think of, like, it's almost like a perpetual like wave motion.

It's an up and... Okay, okay. And it's come up, tell me how you're going and come... I don't really... I don't really... Yeah.

Man, imagine... She said to you, stop looking like that? I don't know what I was... As in like, just like were you staring at her or just could you change your appearance?

I don't know. Did you ever think your first time on stage would be explaining how someone talked with your dick in their mouth to Rose McManus?

Yeah. Sorry, John. Yeah, sorry, John. Thank you. Good on you, John. I... I was... Oh, that's one.

That's one down. We don't know each other well enough. I'm sorry. Are you pitching for like the mean judge of our show? Like, the Simon Cowell is that... Obnoxious brick. This is like telling Harry Styles that he didn't have it back in the day.

You'll see. No, so eventually I was getting, you know, quite fatigued from this situation. Oh, my God. She then comes up and said, sorry if it smells My dog pissed on my jeans earlier today I thought We've just been on a three hour fucking hike

Like what's going on there I feel like now's the time to admit this was me It's weird seeing you again I think the ride was a lot better than the destination, but yeah. I think that was excellent. Is that the end of the... That's my story, thank you.

That's my story, yeah. So the moral of the story is she smelt like dog piss? No, no, I didn't smell a thing. She just wanted to inform me, you know, during The story is she smelt like dog piss? No, no, I didn't smell a thing. Good on you. She just wanted to inform me during the crime that she was... It's not a crime. Don't want to say that.

It was above board. It was above board and it's okay. But she just chose a criminal time to inform me that a dog had pissed on her jeans earlier that day. That's what's wrong. Well, when do you have to give a statement to the police? I'd work on it. Yeah, I would.

I would. Thank you very much. What a yarn. What a yarn. What an opening yarn. Yeah, any... Look, I would say it's going to be a closing yarn as well, looking at the time.

Yeah, I think the most shocking part of the story for me was that you mentioned in the middle of it that you got the bus here. You don't say. Yeah. Didn't take the Tesla in today. This reeks of a story where it's like, your story is I got sucked off.

What else can I add to it? Because you didn't even smell the dog piss. It was like there was... It was raining and there was a dog in the room. It's a wet dog smell. Are you single? No. Because I think that yarn would go great on love triangle. Oh, no.

So he just stays here now? No. I'll coach you, Matria. I'll be your yarn coach. Okay. Well, I don't know what that means. We have another show coming in, so literally we have no choice but to send that story into space.

Oh, dear God. So the aliens are going to be moving from anal probing to sucking people off while a dog pisses on them. Thank you. We thank you. And our future generations, thank you. And our future generations. Thank you. Yeah.

Hey. Good on you, mate. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. You get two gift certificates to NeNe Chicken that are signed out to podcast winner one and podcast winner three. Congratulations.

Good on you, mate. Wow. Really makes you think. To be fair, does any of the potential yarners feel that they could top that? Like, is there just someone who needs to blurt out, I fucking killed a drifter or something, just in case. Good point, yeah. If anyone has got, like, a concise that they reckon can take that on.

Whatever the punchline is. Have any of you had like two blowjobs? Is that woman's dog in the room? No, no one wants to take on the big man. Fair enough. Yeah, no, it's fair enough. Congratulations, Matriah. Eat that.

There's $100 worth of chicken there. Thank you, one person. Yeah. One person. I'm sure the good people at NeNe Chicken will be very glad to have sponsored that story about you getting sucked off. When you think of NeNe Chicken from now on. The only little clincher at the end. I'm not a yarn coach, but just to help you out there, Tom.

The only thing you were missing was just at the end. She goes, hmm, tastes like NeNe Chicken. That's all you were missing. Tom. The only thing you were missing was just at the end she goes, hmm, tastes like Nanny Chicken. That's all you were missing. When you eat Nanny Chicken, think, hey, there could be something worse in your mouth, you know? Man, when you see a large cardboard cut out of him at the next Nanny Chicken that you go to, you won't regret that.

Colonel Matriah. I can't wait for in a year's time when we have comics messaging us being like, there's this new guy doing open mic comedy. Says he got a taste for it at your podcast. He's only got one bit and it's about a dog pissing on him. Did you fucking create this monster? I'm more intrigued by that girl because she didn't know that by giving that blowjob that many years ago,

that she's just given someone $100 worth of chicken. years ago that she's just given someone $100 worth of chicken. You're blowing my mind, man. It's the fucking butterfly effect, baby. Don't stink out the bus on the way home, will you? With the chicken on me.

What do you think, Rove? Can you bring this up at the next shareholders meeting of Roving Enterprises and get us on the air? Johnny Enterprises annual board meeting will definitely have this concept that I've completely forgotten. I've blacked out. I'm just thinking of sweet, delicious chicken

and the strawberry spritzer I'll be having later. Oh, yes. All right, well, let's spritzer I'll be having later. Oh, yes. Yes. All right, well, let's log out. I am podcast winner too. Oh, it was him all along. Let's log out of two shows at the same time now somehow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for watching The Yarn and thanks for coming to the Little Dum Dum Club, everybody. Big round of applause. Mel Bracewell, Robert McManus, Tom Ballard.

Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Say hi to your John for me. And they've John-ed again. Oh, Johnny. Johnny's kicked a big one. Johnny's kicked a big one. We have been waiting quite a while to do the John Fest, I reckon.

Yeah, good fun. That was fun. Good sport, old John. I've got to say, I did see a moment on his face near the end where he was a bit like, I think we maybe pushed the John button one time too many. I did see just a glimmer where he was like, yeah, no, good on you.

And I was like in my head, you know what cunt good on me yes yeah it was uh i mean it is funny for us to be like the funniest thing in the world is your name is john and him going yeah i've sort of known it for 50 years it's actually not that funny a name it's yep yeah he cop, he copped it beautifully. He was very funny on the whole episode. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, great all the way through. I mean, yeah, like we were saying,

I was telling someone about it afterwards and being like, yeah, there was a moment where people were making fun of me about having had cancer. And he said, I thought you still had it. And my friend who doesn't listen to this was like, oh my God, to everything about that.

Even the start of that story, like, what, your friends are making fun of you for having had cancer? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I guess I did kind of gloss over that. But, yeah, that happens more or less every week. Yeah, it's not for everyone. I can see why not everyone in the world. And just by coincidence, it always seems to be the ones that my parents come along to where I get the biggest drilling down about having had cancer.

All well and good for me. Even though it was me, pretty removed for it because I'm 10 and I'm not really being kept on top of everything that's going on. Hugely traumatic time for my parents. Sitting as surrounded by 150 people, cacking themselves about the concept of me being dead at age 11. And then getting a text from mum afterwards, great show, we really loved it.

Lots of laughs all around. Like, Carl talked about fucking you at one point. Yeah, that's funny she got it yeah what if I had been like did you like some of the jokes in there mum she's like

I didn't notice any jokes I just noticed a statement of fact for an hour yeah you did nearly die yeah yeah your mate does want to fuck me

yeah yeah so yeah great fun there all around. And, hey, we should mention, go and check out all those shows of people that we're on. I don't think we make enough of a point of doing this after the live ones. But Tom Ballard, his show It Is I is on at the Town Hall. Melanie Bracewell is reprising her show Ooh La La from last year. A couple. Athenaeum in the last week.

And Johnny Boy, Robert McManus, is in the basement, in the basement comedy club. If you're listening to this hot off the press, a few more shows. Get on all of them ASAP. Yeah, and also, just because he's only, I think he'll be done by the time we do another episode of these, friend of the show who I went and saw last night, Kyle Kinane. Go and check him out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sweet. Yeah, really good. Go see lots of stuff. Yeah. Go see Tommy Dasolo. Yeah. Tommy Dasolo's on, hot off the presses.

Yeah. And there's three. If you like the chaotic energy of that show and you want to be part of it, because as you can hear on the recording, hopefully everyone had a lot of fun. Be part of it. Come and be part of it.

Saturday afternoon, April 8, 1522. A lot of people have a theory. Well, I guess it's not a theory. It's proven right by a lot of things, but that Easter doesn't sell as well because people go away. But there's no problem with our Easter sales for the live pods, so get on that quick before it sells out.

Great. Maybe there's people flying in for me to say I don't know what, or maybe people just don't believe in Jesus or the holiday, and are like, fuck that, and are coming anyway. I haven't done a damn thing for Easter in 15 years now because that's the amount of time I've been doing the Comedy Festival. I'm always doing something else. Same with my birthday.

Because, as you mentioned on the show, it's always like, my wife is always like, oh, what are we going to do for your birthday? I'm like, nothing. I'm working. It's the worst time of the year. It's the start of the Comedy Festival, which means I'm at my most frantic.

So we are doing fucking jack shit. But you would have i was actually talking to someone uh the other day who is not doing a show this year but has in the past and her birthday is always like near the end of the festival and i was saying that's that's a lot of stress on the show that night you know it's like you want to have a good time on your birthday so like you're saying like yeah you don't do things for your birthday but you would have done years where you've had a solo show that's been on your birthday. And you go into that one being like, fuck, the stakes are high for this one. Imagine if I bomb, imagine having the worst night of the run on your birthday. Fucking crushing.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we did because, you know, I've got a little blanket and she is very excited by birthdays and we let that slip at some point. She's like, oh, great, birthday. Yeah, birthday. Birthday, birthday. So it's like, okay, well, we have to do something. Yeah.

And so we just delayed the birthday. I just told her it was my birthday like four days later. Luke Heggy style. Yeah. Used to tell his kids that their birthdays were on a different weekend yeah because he'd be away at comedy festivals yes yes so that's always stuck in my head it's like the first time i remember really being aware it's like oh yeah if you have young kids you you're the you're the architect yeah you're creating the world yeah you can just tell them whatever yeah to suit you

so we went out we went out on sunday lunch uh for my birthday instead and so we went to a hold on to your hat thai restaurant oh yeah and uh but it was that weird thing where she's been to she's now going to birthday parties all the time right and so she's like here comes another one it's like oh no i'm just with two adults in a thai restaurant right with food i don't particularly love this is just a wednesday yeah yeah so yeah she's like where's the cake right where's the piñata yeah why is milan here yeah just kept asking where's the where's the cake oh you know what here's the other why didn't you have a cake just because we went to a thai restaurant and I literally, we both just went, oh, I don't want a cake. I don't care.

Yeah. You know, you make a cake here, like, and then everyone has, like, we have one piece each, and then there's a cake in the fridge for, like, a week that no one touches. Yeah, that's true. That's true. So we didn't bother doing that. But we, oh, fuck, what was I going to say? I did something else.

Oh, yeah, yeah. that but um we what was i gonna say i did something oh yeah yeah so um the other day we uh i was with blanket and don't say name went out to the movies she's had a fair run of looking after blanket what'd she say first of all i have no idea okay yeah damn yeah she was just here i could have asked her yeah oh man she she don't care what she see she just goes. I could have asked her. Yeah. Oh, man. She don't care what she sees. She just goes. What would she have seen? Maybe Scream 6. I caught that just before the Comedy Festival kicked off. She hates anything scary.

Hello, comedy. She hates scary movies. She wouldn't say that. That'd be a good horror premise. The Comedy Killer. Right. It's set during the Comedy Festival. People just getting offed backstage after their gigs.

So she went out. I had to drop something in at Basement Comedy. And I went in there and I was like, all right, I'm taking Blanket in. So showed her around. You know, that nice little funny thing of like I work in that pub, that bar all the time. And all of a sudden I walk in with a kid and everyone's like, oh, wow, okay. You've got a fucking kid. Jesus, all right, whatever. Shows were about to start. So start so i get to say hey this is what daddy does this is where

daddy works yep and there's gonna be a show and she's like oh great we go down there and it's tony martin doing his solo show yep so he's like he kicks off the start full room heaving with laughter i bring her down she's just immediately adopted the rhythm of the room. She's at the back. Everyone laughs. Half a second later, she looks around and it's like, oh, okay. Ah! Every time they laugh, she looks at it and then goes, ah!

So like laughter is a Pavlovian response to a joke. Yes. Right? And then she's having the Pavlovian response to the Pavlovian response. Yes. Yes. Right. So she's just like trying to get in there. I wonder if a younger baby would be laughing at her laughing and how long you could stretch

out the laughter. Yeah, a little babushka doll. Yeah. Deal going. So she's just laughing at everyone laughing. And then after three times, she looks at me and goes, this is really funny, daddy. And I'm like, he's doing a bit about Michael Douglas's autobiography on stage. I don't reckon you fucking get it.

I love Tony, but I reckon there'd be an argument to be made that he would be the least relatable stand-up comedian for a baby. For a four-year-old. Yeah, I don't reckon there's... I can't think off the top of my head. Yeah, in references and in tone and in everything else, I don't think you could find someone more off the mark for a four-year-old. No, it's not.

Like a Dave O'Neill, you know, he's getting up, he's jolly, he's, you know, I could see a baby being like, oh, yeah, you know. Yeah, it's not an awful... Funny fat man. Oh, Dave O'Neill brought his kids to his show last night. Oh, really? Dave O'Neill's a guy where, look, I think a lot of people in comedy,

you don't tend to see much of their partners because who the fuck wants to bring their partner to comedy? Because you're out every night at gigs. Yeah.

Generally, you have your partner when you meet them, they come to a gig or two and they go, oh, wow, this is exciting. And after two gigs, they go,

oh, this is the same every time. Yeah. I'm not coming to this ever again. Yeah. So you don't tend to see people. His family, you never see. Yeah. You never see them.

It is funny that people comment on this in comedy when it's like, isn't that just true of most workplaces? Sure. People aren't bringing their wife to their shift at the bank with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess. I guess it's that thing of like you get such strong friendships with comics and they're your workplace and whatever, and then you just never see that other side of them. you get tricked into thinking it's not a workplace because it's

social so it's like any other thing it's like like if you have that mate in a group of friends where it's like yeah their partner never comes to things yeah do they hate our group of friends yeah and in comedy the answer is yes yes i don't want to come and hang out with people that just want to talk about themselves yeah look through me, looking over my shoulder for another comedian. Fuck this. But you met the entire... And also, they're seeing the same thing again. Like, I think that's what it is.

It's just the same deal again. You met the O'Neill clan. Yeah, and they're just like fucking adults now. Yeah. I don't think I've ever met them before, but in my head, they're like 13 or 14 or whatever his son is fucking eight foot tall yeah right his son could bash me so easy he's got one kid that wants to be a video games developer right that he's always telling me that's the same guy yeah he look when i say he could bash me he's got the size and everything on me but in terms of the attitude i don't think he's got that on me. Oh, wow. Yeah. You, a 47-year-old man, could take down a 19-year-old.

Well, I mean, who should win that fight? Actually, now that I'm saying it out loud, let's tee this up. Yeah. Like how Ronnie wanted to have a fucking cage match with Luke Heggy for many years. Yes, still does. Let's tee up you v. Barney O'Neal. Yes. Yeah. He's got the reach on me. He's got everything on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's tee up you v. Barney O'Neill. Yes. Yeah.

He's got the reach on me. He's got everything on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's about eight foot, but... But you'd fight dirty. Yes. You've got the mongrel. I've got the...

I don't think a child of Dave O'Neill would have learnt how to be... No. Would have learnt how to be vicious in that way yet. No. The size of the cunt in me is much bigger than his, but he's... You'd be biting and scratching and he'd be asking you what you do for a living and where you went to school. Yes.

What's the nightclub in Maryborough? Yeah. He'd be going, fuck, real life fighting. There's no top buttons. There's no special moves or anything. What do I do? I'm putting in the Konami code, and it's not working. Up, up, down, down.

All right. Well, speaking of names of people uh it's time for the most the most wonderful uh time of the week part of the week the uh unplanned title alternator it's back we also shout out to the fucking the cunt that won the yarn oh my god we haven't even talked about that yeah it's all there it's all there yeah there's nothing much more to say more to add yeah we i did go with some mates to that thai food festival afterwards that guy didn't come he didn't come no but like we didn't give any details about it or anything like that and then also on our way there um my mom was like we got to get that guy and everyone else we're with we're like no we don don't. Man, he, and just to like, just to give people a bit of insight who are listening, who maybe.

Yeah. Also, he wasn't a character. I think one of my mates was there and said, was that a, was that a setup? Absolutely not. Well, I don't know why we did this because any time that you solicit the general public and especially if you're going to give them a microphone and get them on stage, I think the rule is that 99.9% of the time it's going to be bad. You are going to get some dud who either is not funny or thinks that they're funny or gets up and tries to sort of razz you and be a cunt. Any performer would say, this is a bad idea.

Yes. Don't get a random up and give them a mic, certainly having not vetted them. And even if you have vetted them, they might get up there and just shit the bed and be awful. Yes. So to do this, I think one of the biggest roles of the dice that you can take as a performer and producer.

Yes. And to get this cunt is just unbelievable. Yes. This is like, we could have not done this show and bought a lottery ticket, and we'd be millionaires now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that is like our good luck used up for the rest of our lives. Oh, also.

An incredible get. Also, just for him to come off first cab off the rank as well. First name. Yeah. And I could have even seen a scenario where you look at the name, you don't know how to pronounce it, and you're like, you know what? Very close to. It's easier to just go one down.

Very close to. Sam Johnson. Yes. Very, very close to doing that. Gets up and tells a yarn about wanting to kill Molly Meldrum. But shout out to whatever that guy's name was again. Maitreya. Maitreya.

Yeah, really good. The story in and of itself, when you analyze it, absolute dog shit, but funny character. Well told. Happy to be razzed. Having his little zingers off the back of us. That was the highlight. Couldn't believe it. And John did say to me afterwards,

I think you're right. I think you're going to start seeing this guy around the open mics. Yeah. Because, yeah, I don't know if you could see, but I definitely, I detected a glint in the eye where he went. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow.

This could be my life. Yes. I definitely can foresee a comedian on the scene coming up being like, this cunt that you encouraged. He's at the open mics. He's doing this fucking gear about a dog pissing on him while he's getting sucked off. And he's saying that the little dum-dum club pushed him into it. Yeah, and he said Rove was like loving it.

Tom Ballard was loving it. Mel Bracewell was loving it. Why wouldn't I keep doing this? Like this is the bug. This is like literally my first ever stand-up gig was, and I've said this many times, but like I killed in a warm room. Yep. Girls came up to me afterwards.

Two girls, as soon as I walked off stage, two separate girls walked up and were like, oh my God, that was so great. That never has ever happened again in my life ever and then but that i was like why the fuck would i stop now yeah that's what's gonna happen to this guy yeah yeah yeah what a great what what a first well what a bizarre first gig yeah i mean the come down from yeah that to the next thing yeah exactly he's gonna do the expert next week yeah and fucking kill himself that's it two thing he does. exactly. He's going to do the X for next week and fucking kill himself. That's it. Two extremes.

He's dead. But yeah, shout out to him for, yeah, really, boy, really lifting us at the end there. That's great.

Yeah. I mean, that's, I think, I think the yarn's going on TV just thanks to that. Absolutely. But yes, of course we need to,

we need to thank other people who support the show on Patreon, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Get on there, support the show on Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Get on there, support the show, and you get yourself two little mini bonus episodes every week. And especially do that at the moment because we're talking about the Melbourne International Comedy Festival for 2023. At the moment, we're in the midst of putting out bonus episodes where, legendarily every year, we take out the physical hard copy guide, go through it with a friend of the show, Luke Heggie. He has all of his snarky little jibes, and so do we. Well, yeah, it's fair to say this year, the bitch is back.

Yeah, we'll probably get in trouble for what we say, but we don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out you can say anything anymore, as long as you hide behind the wall but they didn't succeed yeah it's the one episode it's the one it's a couple of bonus episodes a year where we pull out the stool yeah sit down on it and and tell people what we really think i've got a stool uh in my show byo stool and um. I have these little bits where I'm on the phone and I'm sitting down to do that. Just kind of didn't even realise the connotation of I'm carrying a stool into the venue.

I walk up the stairs and I ran into comedian John Cruikshank on the first night. He just gets this big smirk on his face. He's like, bring your own stool, do you, mate? Oh, fuck. I didn't even realize. I look like the world's biggest cunt. I brought my own in from home.

Also, bring your stool to a pub is funny. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, all right. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Be one of these people. We're about to read out. It could be you. This could be you.

Yep. Stars in your eyes. Here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon. Subscribe. The first cab off it could be you. This could be you. Yep. Stars in your eyes. Here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon. Subscribe. The first cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Lily Hyatt. Lily Hyatt?

Yes. Wow. Heir to the throne, to the hotel fortune, I'm sure. I was actually telling someone. That's why she's chucking us five bucks a month. I was telling someone this last night. I mentioned on the show my girlfriend's been pretty sick for the last week. And I haven't caught it at any point, thankfully.

But there was a period where she started getting really sick. And it was like right at the start of the festival. And I got really sick last year. And it just fucked everything for me. And I was like, I really, I just panicked. I was like, I can't fucking have that happen again. It sucked. And so in a moment of panic, I was just like, fuck, maybe I just need to get out of here.

I was just like looking at hotels in the city. I was like, I'll just flee. I'll just like, I just can't, I just can't risk it. But because it was like heading into Grand Prix weekend, I'm just like looking at everything and even just like the worst hotels are so expensive. Yes. And there was like, because I love a hotel. Of course.

I love a staycation. I had a moment in my head where I was like, if it's going to be costing me a monster anyway, what if I just go the Hyatt? What if I just went all out and it's like me doing like a 50-seat room at the comedy festival and putting myself up at the Hyatt every night? Yeah. Just the absurdity of it was, like, really appealing to me. I was like, do I do this? Yeah. It's fucking ridiculous.

Yeah. Sending my show into the red immediately on night one. Well, when we did the Adelaide Live podcast a couple of weeks ago, that was, like, a long weekend. And so, like, yeah, I mean, I think I talked about it on Talking Dumb. I'm just an appalling hotel. Yeah. Because I'm like, I will not pay that money to Talking Dumb. I'm just an appalling hotel. Yeah. Because I'm like, I will not pay that money to stay in Adelaide. Sorry, Adelaide.

But a couple of other people did. Like, you know, you got your people on good money. I remember, like, Dave O'Neill was, like, saying, yeah, I'm staying in this place. Fuck, charging me through the pants for it. But I'm making really good money there. Fucking whatever. Who cares? Yep.

But then, friend of the show, Nick Carr was doing the same. I'm like, oh, I don't nick car was doing the same i'm like oh i don't think you've got the same justification here mate yeah i did really love the idea of just like yeah i'll walk down and do the show and then i'll just go back to my room in the grand height with a beautiful view and order a 40 room service and just be like I am doing my ass on this run. But this time last year, I was in bed with COVID. So fucking sailor V, life is good. Now as I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, man, I regret not doing it. I mean, I could still do it.

It's funny to do it once my girlfriend's better. It's like at least people would go, yeah, look, it happened. She was sick. Makes sense to get out of there. Grand weekend everything's really expensive no way around it but just going like yeah i could have gotten a room somewhere for a hundred bucks but i didn't oh did you have to get out because your girlfriend was so sick no no she's better yeah i just didn't i just wanted to sleep somewhere different oh man uh don't say a name. Got a present from work, like a hotel room for a night. And she just, like a couple of weeks ago, just took it on a Thursday night.

I was like, great. Just go, I'll take care of the kid here. You go and do your little staycation there. Finish work. Walk from your work one block to a nice hotel. It's the best. Yeah. It's the best.

Pretty good. It's the best. Pretty good. Also, to this subscriber, Lily Hyatt, obviously the Paris Hilton of the other hotel chain. Ah, sure. Yeah, I'm assuming. Yeah.

Or, you know, whoever the partner of this person is gets to do a bit of, you know, that same joke, gets to do staying in the Lily Hyatt tonight. Oh, right. So is there like a Hyatt out in Lillydale? Maybe that's where she was. Oh, right. So is there like a Hyatt out in Lilydale? Maybe that's where she was. Oh, maybe. Is that where she was conceived? I would absolutely not suspect that.

Unless Hyatt do a fucking motel out there. Yeah, yeah. We're branching out. We're going to open a luxury hotel at the end of a train line. Yeah. Not bad. Yeah. I mean, Lilydale's kind of like adjacent

to like sort of a lot of like winery sort of region yeah so you know kind of it's not the craziest thing in the world you base yourself there you get your little driver to kind of take you around to all the spots well um thanks lily hyde if you are connected to the hyatt dynasty in any way i am literally taking the money you are giving us, my portion of it, and reinvesting it in the family business because I'm staying in the Hyatt in June in Phuket. Nice. Yeah. Okay. For a few nights.

Interesting. Because we got a very, very good deal on it well if you are um if you if you are in fact a member of the hyatt dynasty um i'm just going to speak on behalf of both of us and say that um fine for you to you know you can keep getting the bonus content you don't need to give us the money yep but maybe once a week you hook us up with free access to the buffet oh free little breakfast buffet once a week for the two of us what if we what if every friday morning you and i meet up in the city and free little breakfast buffet once a week for the two of us what if we what if look every friday morning you and i meet up in the city and have a breakfast buffet we've talked about this in in different ways but that is if we can somehow finagle a new patreon tier where it's bartering

where you get the bonus content you get your name read out at some point but it's not money it's it's a subscription to whatever service that you guys provide. Right. So if you're part of the Hyatt thing, cool. You subscribe to this. We need three nights a year each. We treat it like it's like the old world. You know, you and I live together.

We've got a cow. It gives out milk. Yep. And all the villagers just come to our door once a month. Yep. We're like, what will you give us for a bit of bonus milk? Yes. Because we're already giving the milk out for free

yes but we also give you a little extra flavoured milk we've just invented flavoured milk two little bits of flavoured milk little mini ones every week

yeah if you come to our door and you're like I've got eggs and we're like fuck we love eggs yeah yes

so Lily get onto Mama and Papa get onto that at the very least look I've already sunk the money I'll say this. There's absolutely no refunds on the rooms that I've hired in Phuket

because I didn't try to refund. But I like this. Have you ever tried to do this where you start talking to the bots or whoever the fucking people are on Expedia or a goater or whatever it is? The other night, I've been doing a silly thing where I've been at the comedy festival, doing a lot of admin at Basement Comedy Club, doing a lot of running stuff and losing my mind

and just having a few drinks to fucking get through it. Yep. And don't say a name, Keith's getting text messages from me like at midnight or at 11 or something with me being run off my feet and me going, can you please remind me? Let's fucking do something good on holiday i'll upgrade we'll go to a fancy restaurant whatever i'm going to do let's give me something some light at the end of the tunnel remind me to

fucking upgrade something and and and inspire me to do that and then i wake up in the morning and she's like yeah we're getting a fucking penthouse suite now look at this text message you sent me a minute going oh fucking hell okay all right and then me trying to get on expedia or go to or whatever and going can i upgrade this and then going no no you can't because we don't have any rooms available like that that nice room they're gone but they're not gone because you know how they how hotels work they basically um give out x amount of rooms to each site oh yeah yeah so they do have that nice room but expedia don't have it anymore yeah go to have got plenty of them or whatever but exp so exp just go no we've run out of those rooms so you can't have it and me just going oh fuck okay that's annoying because they're

definitely available but then they send the last message This is going, just so you know, there are no refunds on your room, so don't even try to get refunds because otherwise we just get to keep the money. So if you want to try and change anything, you go for it. But we're keeping the money, okay? Like, no need to say that. Man, going on holiday sucks. My parents are going to Europe later in the year, and because they're that generation, they've just gone into the travel agent,

gone like, here's some rough dates that we want to be away. Here's some vague places we want to go. Someone sits there, types away. Here's the budget. There you go. And I'm like, yeah, it is way too old school, but also the equivalent is doing what you're dealing with, which is like a fucking nightmare.

Yeah. Just so much legwork to just find a place to sleep at night. Yeah. But now that we've got the Lily Hyatt connection. Well, that's it. We'll be sorted. Well, look, the Hyatt in Phuket got an extremely good deal on it very early on. So that was good.

But the problem is there's no refunds or no changes or anything. So anyway, if you could have a word to whoever's in charge over there and just upgrade us or whatever you can do. Give a few more, you know, a few extra cocktails at 5 p.m. or something like that. That'd be great. Already happy hour, yeah. Another serve of, you know, extra little bit of pad thai at dinner or something.

Yep. You know. Something. Thanks, Lily. Thanks, Lily. We've got to pick up the pace on these. Sorry, sorry. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mikey Overdune.

This is, I've butchered that. Mikey. M-A-A-I-K-E. I mean, that's Mikey, isn't it? Would you say that's Mikey? M-A-A-I-K-E. It's either Mikey or it's something that's like, the way you pronounce it is like none of those letters are in it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And then I've even butchered the last one. O-V-E-R-D-U-I-N. Overdune? Overdune. Mikey Overdune? I'm going to say that. Yeah, okay. I'm just going to front foot it andune? Overdune. Mikey Overdune? I'm going to say that.

Yeah, okay. I'm just going to front foot it and say Mikey Overdune. Mikey Overdune. Yeah. Okay. Is that all right? Yeah. Sorry, Mikey, or Mike, or whatever your name is.

I wonder where in the world that's from. I mean, it feels to me very, that part of like Scandinavia. Oh, yeah. Iseland near scandinavia i feel like it should be it's that coldish part of europe that feels like everything's lush i watched um i watched the banshees of vinisharan the other day oh is it good great film really good i was just talking to someone about that last night. Who? Someone in comedy. An Irishman? No. Okay.

It's really good. I really enjoyed it. Right. Do you know the premise of it? This is what I got told. I don't know the premise of it. This is the premise as told by a friend. Okay.

Because he was relating it to me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Then it's right then. Then it's right then. Then it's right then. Two old buddies. Yeah.

And one of them's just like... One just gets over the other one? Colin Farrell goes to hang out with his mate and he's like, nah. And then he's like, for a couple of days, he's like, what's going on? Yeah. And he's like, I just don't want to be friends with you anymore. Yeah. He's like, what? Yeah.

Why not? He's like, life's too short. Yes. I just don't want to be friends with you anymore yeah he's like what yeah why not he's like life's too short yes i just don't want to be friends anymore yeah and then the whole film is just colin farrell spiraling over it and just trying to work out like why this guy doesn't want to be his friend anymore i gotta watch it's such a great premise i gotta watch it it's like i think yeah you got to be in the mood for it it's like it's pretty like it literally is just that like it's quite slow but there's lots of very funny lines and anyway the reason i bring it up is because like you're hearing the characters say each other's names and because it's like yeah it's set in i've seen there's like a lot of stuff online of like it's set in like 1920 yeah and like i've

seen a lot of people online go it says a lot about ireland that like i genuinely did not know that it was set a hundred years ago until i saw the memes about it because like i think it was yesterday like that you see a calendar at one point but it's pretty brief so you can miss it if you're not you know if if you'd like sort of zoning out for one second right but it was like he marks a thing on the calendar of like april 4 1923. The Chico Roll 1915 edition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot, a hot old Irish bird on there. On a horse.

But it was like a thing on the internet yesterday of like, today's the hundred year anniversary of this guy deciding he didn't want to be friends with Colin Farrell's character. But, you know, so they're saying each other's names and whatever. And then I was like looking up some film about the stuff some stuff about the film afterwards and just like these irish names like hearing them spoken and then seeing them written out completely different thing yes like looking at the text and being like i never yeah in a million years would have guessed that that's how you pronounce that name or spell it yeah it's a it's a thing that danny mcginley talks about a lot oh really

yeah um yeah there's some names where he does that a stand-up he's like what's your name it's kiva it's like cool you know it's got a p in it right like yeah what the why the fuck is there a ph in kiva yeah it's pretty um i tell you what it makes it makes life in 1920s ireland looks pretty look pretty cool they're on on this really remote bit. It's like, get up in the morning, got my little donkey, go around, I fucking give out my milk or whatever I'm doing. Fuck off your mates. Yeah, 2 p.m., this is his day.

Does all that, does all the livestock stuff, 2 p.m., walk around to my mate's place, hit the pub. That's the rest of the day. That's not bad little uh little band come in they do their little jigs in the evening we sit around and watch that go home go to bed just reset everyone gets a everyone got a better sleep in the olden days there's nothing to sit up for yeah like i'm sitting up midnight every night what why why the fuck am i doing that back then you'd be in bed at 6 o'clock

it's just like living like a little kid it's like it's dark that means it's time to go to bed go that is a good point

that it's like there is like a very natural rhythm that the universe has decided this is how humans should dictate when they

rise and when they slumber and we just do everything we can to prolong it. The cinemas will start a movie at 11.30 at night. We will do a comedy show starting at 9.45 on a Tuesday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that is a good point because it's like there's scenes in Banshees of Innishirin where you're like, wow, they're really kicking on and having a big night. And it's like, yeah, it's probably like 8.15. Yeah. Yeah, because in my head I'm going, wow, they're really kicking on and having a big night. And it's like, yeah, it's probably like 8.15. Yeah. Yeah, because in my head I'm going, wow, starting at 2 and then being there deep into the night. That's a fucking big sesh. But it's like, no, it's probably getting dark at 4 o'clock.

Yes. And then they're out by 9.30. Yes. Damn, what a great life. Yeah. Well, thanks, Mikey Overdune. Thanks. The Banshees of Mikey. Please forgive us if that has nothing to do with how you say great life. Yeah. Well, thanks, Mikey Overdune. Thanks. The banshees of Mikey.

Please forgive us if that has nothing to do with how you say your name. Yeah. You knew what you were getting in for. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Wow. Thank you to Zarnie Robertson. Zarnie.

I'm going to put it out there. I don't reckon we've ever had a Zarnie before. No. I reckon that's the a Zarnie before. No. I reckon that's the only Zarnie that's ever listened to this show. And I also think it could be the only Zarnie that's ever existed. Z-A-R-N-I-E. I-E. I-E.

Wow. Zarnie. Zarnie. A lot going on. Do you think this is a person just like, you know, whacking the nickname on? Is this a Rove scenario? No.

Look, I'm going to go to Facebook and have a look, have a see what we're playing with here. Okay. Okay. Because he's Zani, a boy or a girl's name? What do you think? I'm thinking girl. I don't know why.

Probably just because I have a friend called Zan. Well, I reckon you've got it wrong. I reckon by the look of it. Mr. Zarnie. Please. Yes. If this is the guy, this is Zarnie Robertson right here. And that's a guy.

Okay. Male name. Wow. Yeah, look, I'm with you. I would have guessed. Oh, yeah. It this is Arnie Robertson right here. And it's a guy. Okay. Male name. Wow. Yeah, look, I'm with you. I would have guessed. Oh, yeah, it's got Arnie there. Get to the Patreon. Woo!

He's back, baby. Wow. Arnie impressions, they are back. That's pretty good. Is he in the group? He's not in the millionaire group. Oh, wow. Arnie, you're missing out on some very half-thought-out posts in there.

Yeah, wow. Is it short for something? Is it short for Zarnifer? Yeah, Zarnie. What could it be? Zarnald. If it's like Arnie short for Arnold. Yeah, Zarnald.

Zarnald. Zarnald. If it's like Arnie short for Arnold. Yeah, Zarnold. Zarnold. Zarnold Robertson. Is it like Alexander? Because people use Zan in place of Alexandra, right? I think sometimes happens. I like Zarnold. Zarnold. Okay.

Arnie is Arnold, so Zarnie must be Zarnold. Yeah. You sounded like you're on Sesame Street. Hey, Zarnold. I don't know what. Maybe you're just saying millionaires made this pop into my head. And, well, you know, it's not the biggest leap because we're talking about Patreon and getting cash for it. I've been living the Carl Chandler lifestyle.

Oh, good. And absolutely fucking hating it. Oh, no. Saturday morning, get up, girlfriend really sick, needed me to go get some groceries. Yep. Didn't really have time to do it because I was about to head in and do the pod, so I'm like... Ind's happening what no no no oh okay she was sick she was like do you have time to go and get me some stuff i'm like not really but i will because you're sick walk down to the shop um it's the first of april card expired oh no card no new card has come in the mail oh so. So I'm like, oh, fuck.

Oh, so this is okay now. So then I'm like, and I'm just, there's a line behind me. I'm like, oh, fuck. And I'm already like, I didn't have time to be going and doing this in the first place. I'm like, oh, fuck. So then I go, all right, I can get cardless cash. That's fine. Yes.

So I go and get that, pay for that. I then, this entire weekend, everywhere I've gone, not accepting cash. A nightmare. Where have you been going? So then that night, my girlfriend asked if after the show I could, if the chemist was open, if I could get her some medicine. So I go into Chemist Warehouse. I get there 15 minutes before they close.

I'm like, great, I've made it in. The guy at the door, he's like, are you paying cash or card? I'm like, I'm paying cash. And he's like, we've closed up the till, so it's card only. I'm like, man, you're a chemist. Like, people need medicine. I'm sorry. If you're open, you've got to let people get the fucking medicine.

This doesn't make sense. And he's like, nah, man, no cash. But so I'm like meeting a friend for dinner. So I have to call them and be like, can you swing past the chemist warehouse and put this medicine on your card for me? And then the whole rest of the weekend, I went to get some lunch at this like pop-up thing for the food and wine festival card only. I did a gig and went to get a bit. because i just keep forgetting like it's just so instinctual to whip out the card yeah i just keep forgetting that my card's not

working yeah so i'm like i go to get this beer and i'm like oh fuck sorry do you take cash and they're like no and i go i just need to show upstairs do we get drink cards or anything and the guy's like i can do your half price and i'm like mate you can make it 10 cents if you're not making cash it doesn't if you're not taking cash it doesn't make a difference what you're charging me make it 10 times the price

yeah it's like I'll pay you $100 if I can pay in cash but so yeah this entire fucking and then it's like going to restaurants

where they're only doing the like QR code thing on the like phone which is linked to your card it is a fucking ordeal. I am hating it. And still the card hasn't shown up in the mail.

I am in hell. It's been the biggest pain in the ass. I'll have to give you my approved list of cash venues. Because it feels like... I do it... You know, I'm the opposite. You know what I do? This has been happening last, like one or two times in the last week.

I've just left the house with no wallet and gone, fuck. And I hate using the cards. I just like using cash. Yeah. Because I try and use my cards clean so I can do my tax properly through it. Yeah. So I'll just do cash with everything else, with just dog shit that I'm buying. And, you know, a lot of bad stuff that i don't really need any record of buying yeah of

course so um i have been out and just buying dog shit with my phone and going i feel really bad about it i don't like it yeah i feel ashamed of it well i'll tell you what i'll tell you what though i realized like maybe twice in this period i've've been somewhere, I've gotten a drink, like a, you know, a can of like soda or whatever. And then I've gone somewhere else. And again, it's just like, I keep forgetting. Like it's so the habit of just like pull the phone out and pay on that. And then it's like card expired. I'm like, oh fuck.

Okay. That's right. I have to pay cash. And then I've gone, hang hang on a minute i just got this can of drink from the supermarket i tapped my card on the machine and just walked away so it's like oh wow i've just racked this yeah but it's like this is at the supermarket so there's no one around yeah and you know it's like you go to the self-checkout you just go boom i'm out of here like i'm not even looking back because it's like it's just so habit it's just so instinctual so twice i've gone oh i've just walked away from the machine after getting this coffee yeah and the staff have just clearly looked at the machine

after i've gone and been like this can't just fucking swindled us yeah man i gotta get i've gotta get this fucking new card it's driving me insane i do feel discriminated against at the supermarket because you there'll be like 17 self- checkouts and there'll be one that has like a hand-drawn sign on it going cash yeah yeah yeah i used one of them the other day fucking hell it's also just like going out for a going out for a meal with a couple of mates and just like last night like you know i can't use the qr thing so i'm having to be, can you get my food for me? It's like, fuck me. It's brutal.

And, well, that's you. That's you, Zarnie Robertson. That's you, Zarnie Robertson. For some reason, that's you. With such a weird first name, that's what we've got out of it. Something that we've just made up afresh. No real relation to what your name is. But join the Millionaire Group on Facebook.

That's what I'm getting out of it. And let us know if it is. Make your first post in there. Yes, my name is Zarnald. Or at the very least, explain what the fuck is going on there. Yeah, please. Are you named after another Zarn or uh is your your mom and dad fucking idiots uh thanks zani thank you very much to patreon subscriber a bit more bread and butter

here thank you very much to mitch marshall okay yeah okay the uh the uh the alliteration boy yeah mitchy m the amplifier himself. Eminem. Yeah. My favourite candy treat of which I'm extremely jealous that Nazeem Hussain has been spruiking for lately. They sponsor Mondays at the Comedy Festival. So I went down there

last night to see a couple shows. Big Eminem's flag proudly flying at the front of the town hall. Get me it. Get me it. Naz came from that gig last night and he's wearing, he showed me, he's got M&M sneakers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I'm so jealous. Yeah.

I want them. That's great. Yeah. What do they look like? Are they M&M's? Are they like, you know, did M&M's get like Nike to make them or something? Or are they? That's a good question.

They'd have to be, right? Yeah. They'd have to be like, they would have done in the past like a branded i'm sure m&ms have done like an adidas collab at some point yeah maybe i mean i'm i'm assuming it's not like you know when people go oh you know this is the big aldi factory where they make all the frozen fish and the fucking garden equipment and the milk and the whatever like they're not yeah someone else is doing it it's not it's not m&ms And the whatever. Like they're not.

Yeah. Someone else is doing it. It's not M&M's. 98% of our factory make chocolate and then we have one room where we make shoes. Yeah, there you go. There's the M&M's Adidas that they put out a little while ago. Ah. Yeah, nice. It's got the like yellow.

I didn't even notice what brand they were. How much? They didn't look like Adidas. You can get a pair of these from StockX, which is like a sneak ahead, you know, buy, like resell website. Yeah. $271. Not bad.

Not bad for a limited run. I guess. Kind of collector edition kind of thing. They've got the, oh, that's pretty cool. They've got like a little, can you see the little thing? Yeah, yeah. It goes over the laces and they've got a little yellow, the little yellow guy. Yeah.

He's kind of on the laces. Yeah. It's a cool shoe. Yeah. But it is. I was talking about it last night to Naz, and it was funny because Hughsey was there, and I was like saying, you know, I just love M&Ms.

I love them. And, like, I know that I'm being stupid and over the top with my passion for it because it's like I think that's funny just to go, I love M&Ms. Yeah. And then Hughsey's like I think that's funny just to go I love Eminem yeah and then Husey's like no I do too I fucking love them

they're my favourite I'm like are you for real or are you being stupid are you taking the piss out of me he's like no I love them and I miss them

this is I miss them yeah this is real oh captain my captain shit yeah he's like I miss them

I'm like why do you miss them he's like I'm vegan they're not vegan I can't have them oh yeah okay interesting yeah Yeah. He's like, I miss them. I'm like, why do you miss them? He's like, I'm vegan. They're not vegan. I can't have them. Oh.

Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. So you're missing a trick there, M&Ms. Pull out the vegan M&Ms and Hughsey will be the spokesperson. I feel like we talked about this when we had Hughsey on a live ep last year. Right.

About him being a vegan spokesman. Right. Get him on board. Yeah, yeah. Get some vegan M&Ms. But I do love them. They're actually rare to find, like, the 60-gram pack in stores now. So whenever I see them, I immediately buy them

because it's actually, you can't get them everywhere. They've stopped stocking them. What's the 60-gram? Is that just the classic size? What do you get instead? Well, you can't get them everywhere. They've stopped stocking them. What's the 60 gram? Is that just the classic? The classic. The classic size. What do you get instead? You get.

Well, I don't. You either do that or you get the fucking 500 gram or. Oh, yeah. Okay. The big, big pack, which I can't be trusted with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a weird thing to have gotten rid of. Yeah. So you can't buy them in 7-Elevens or anything anymore.

Yeah. You can buy them in those weird American style 7-elevens now that you get you know those whatever brand that is the 7-elevens that are very i love that yeah the one that's like and they just have breakfast cereal yeah yeah yeah i was in one of them the other day i was like it's just they just all of us because there was like one and it was like okay this is just someone's weird passion project and then all of a sudden you're like oh this is a change this is the standard now. And the thing is that they've just got all this.

And it's funny because it's like they put the cereals front and center and then you get in there and you're like, oh, they've got like chips and like cool sodas and stuff as well. That's kind of neat. But like, yeah, their big selling point in the window is like, yeah, we've got Lucky Charms. And it's like, who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like there used to be like there'd be one shop in Melbourne that you could go in and go, oh, this've got Lucky Charms. And it's like, who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, there used to be like, there'd be one shop in Melbourne that you could go in and go, oh, this is cool because you can get what Americans eat. Yeah, for like $8 a bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You get Cheerios for fucking $17 for a packet. And then now it's like, oh, no, that's your only option in the city. That's just the new 7-Eleven in there.

Yeah, and it's funny that it's like they're really pushing the cereal so hard because, like, I'm sure they sell some, but it's like, yeah, you're in the CBD. You're getting a snack. You're not doing your grocery shopping there. And I feel bad because I use those American stores. I just go in there and go, one packet of chocolate M&Ms, please. They're like, oh, that's $4. I'm like, okay, I'm really, yeah, I'm not using this right.

Yeah, one Three Musketeers bar. Yes, yes. Well, M&M, that's you, Mitch Marshall. Yeah. That's literally you, M and M, Mitch and Marshall. Eminem, say hi to your bitch mum for me. Say hi to your girlfriend in the boot of your car for me. All right.

Well, who would you turn Dr. Dre for? That's good. Thank you. Yeah. Well, it's that time

of the day. It's lunchtime, Tommy. You're over my side of the city. Yeah. What's happening? No,

I'm going to get a little salad on the way home. I'm feeling awful. Me too. The body's just going like, oh, brother. I feel like shit. Do me a favor. Yeah.

I mean, last night would have been a good night to recalibrate, but I wanted to go see a couple of shows that, because I didn't have my show on, so I could have stayed in and cooked something healthy. Yes. But I wanted to go see some shows that I would not have any other opportunity to see. Yes. And so yet again in the city, a couple of nights after Canaan finished, quarter to nine, limited options, Monday night.

All right, the Korean fried chicken place. Here we go. Just putting that in at quarter past nine. Yeah. And then going home and getting into bed being like yep another wonderful evening of comedy i ate a full pizza at 4 30 oh yeah yeah it was delicious but it is still sitting in my gut right now yeah i'm gonna get a little uh there's like a cafe near where i used to live that does like a really good superfood salad that's got kale and quinoa and all this good shit in it.

And it's like, genuinely, we'll eat one of them at a period like this. And it's insane. Can actually feel my body being restored. Right. Can just feel cells reforming and the life coming back into me and oxygen's coming in and feeling a little fresher. Just really helping me out. I drive right past it to get home. So it's like I've got to do it.

Yeah, I wasn't planning on having a drink last night. Last night was going to be I'm completely off it. And then between stress, between running between venues, between seeing mates perform and people wanting to hang out afterwards went, okay, I guess I'm just on it again now, am I? So that all happened. And then it happened to such a degree that I then jumped on the tram to go home, wasn't thinking about anything, was on my phone, was on the laptop on the tram, did something I don't reckon I've done ever or maybe not forever, looked up, oh, yeah,

just missed my house by three suburbs wow at midnight great just got off absolutely fucking i don't know maybe six kilometers away that's awesome yeah and then are you waiting or are you walking back i did a bit of mixing it up waiting waiting for a tram to come back realizing there's no tram coming back. Then a tram turned up and I went, fuck yeah. And then. Overshot again? No, no, no.

It just turned around and went back again. Oh, man. It just came towards me and then stopped and then fucked off again. Yeah. And then, yeah, it just went, I guess I'm walking home. And they went, no, I'm getting an Uber home. This is fucking. Absurd.

Stupid. Yeah. Anyway. It's time to wrap it up. It is. home and they went no i'll get it i'm getting an uber home this is fucking absurd stupid yeah anyway it's time to wrap it up it is it's time for to to yeah i don't think i'll get lunch i think i need to fucking wait it out a bit longer but anyway uh anyway all right one more let's go uh thank you very much to uh final patreon subscriber this week thank you very much to final Patreon subscriber this week. Thank you very much to oh, okay. This is I didn't know this this was a thing

but okay, this is similar to what we did before. My favourite candy, M&M. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber C&C. I'm just looking up what the oh, right.

Comedy and comedy. Oh, right. Like the chip. Yeah. No. That's CC's. This is C&C's. C the chip. Yeah. No. That's CC's. This is C&C's. C&C.

Yeah. I think they're sponsoring... It's a good callback when you've got to just wedge in a little reminder right before you say it. Yes. Now, folks, here at the 55-minute mark of my festival show, let me just remind you that around minute 20, I was talking about my dad. At the start, I walked in with red shoes on. I think I speak for all of us when I say, what the? C&Cs.

Yeah. Okay, right. They're sponsoring... What does M&M stand for, actually? That is a good question. Fuck, I'm going to... Probably the two cunts that started the lolly. That is a great question.

This is the one thing people are going to get out of this episode, I reckon. Yep. What does... I like how it went from, let's fucking wrap this going to get out of this episode i reckon yeah what does i like how it went from let's fucking wrap this up and get out of here too let's do a bit more investigative journalism there we go mars and murray murray that's awesome yeah that's awesome that you love a chocolate that's called murray there we go when the company was founded it was m&m limited the two m's represent the names of Forrest E. Mars Sr., the founder of Newark Company,

and Bruce Murray, son of Hershey Chocolate's president, William F. R. Murray, who had a 20% share in the product. What a fucking small world. And is this Mars guy, is that any connection to the Mars bar? Doesn't it? It's got to be that company. If it's not, that is insanely coincidental. Yeah.

Wow. Forrest, now I have to fucking look up. Now I have to Google. This is a whole separate deep dive at some point, I think. Yeah, this is... Well, yes, there you go. Forrest Edward Mars Sr. was an American billionaire businessman

and the driving force of the Mars candy empire yeah right so between that but Hershey but then Bruce Murray's son of Hershey

Hershey chocolate's a separate company to Mars they're two titans they're enemies but this is succession this is like the young kid being like fuck you dad

I'm going to take you on with my own candy yeah that's crazy also just a reminder that I love the M&M's logo. It's fucking great. It is cool. It's really well designed.

And it's one of the rare ones. Do you ever see those things on Instagram where they're like, they'll track like Apple over the ages and there's always like, and same with Maccas, there's like a spot in around like the 70s or 80s where the logo is like, well, where it's like super vibey. It reaches the peak of like very colourful, very playful, and then the edges start getting rounded off. And like Apple used to have like the multicolour and then they just go silver. Yes. M&M's consistent the whole way through.

Well, you don't know that. Well, I mean, but more or less, like in the time that you're like, it's not like they haven't changed in the last like, you know, 20 years. Like they haven't made it go like. I think. It's still like a kind't changed in the last like, you know, 20 years. Like they haven't made it go like. I think. It's still like a kind of vibey font. Yeah. Look, yeah.

You know what? Fucking you're about to be proved wrong there, buddy. I mean, there's the progression of the logo right there. I'll show you. Yeah, it's all been tightened up over the years. Oh, yeah. Okay. But I mean, from it's not too different now from what it's like on that start of that second row.

They've kind of gotten that font and then kept that. You would think that by now there would have been another change to make it completely sterile. Yeah. I think what we know and love, the 2004 is when they really fucking got it going. That little outline around the font. Around the ampersand. The way they've incorporated the ampersand within the two M's. Yep.

That's when it's like, all right, you guys know what you're doing now. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. Come see a live show, littledumbdumbclub.com. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate.