The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 656 - John Hastings & Andrew Wolfe

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

It's the final day of the Festival and we've roped in first time guest JOHN HASTINGS and visiting lunatic ANDREW WOLFE! We reflect on the previous days live podcast and Fleetwood Mac, Tommy's parents have met Hughesy and avoided meeting Wolfey, but to be honest we spend most of our time hearing about Wolfey's run in with security at one of the worst venues in Melbourne. If you've ever been confused about the definition of the word 'game', this is the episode for yoU! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Andrew Wolfe and John Hastings. If you want to see us live in Brisbane, that's happening quite soon. Saturday, May the 20th. Only a little bit of tickets left, Tommy. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. Get on there and get those last remaining tickets. We'll see you up there in Brisbane. Also, if you're in Brisbane, I am doing my solo show, Scam Artist, at Good Chat Comedy Club on the 18th of May at 8.30.

So it's a couple of days before the live podcast. Show went great in Melbourne. Looking forward to doing it up there. One night only. Get your tickets, goodchatcomedy.com. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Andrew Wolfe and John Hastings. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome onto the show, Andrew Wolfe and John Hastings. All right. Here's my question. Is this the real show or is this the fuck show that we did before?

This is the drunk cast. Go crazy. This is the drunk cast where everyone's drinking a non-alcoholic beverage? Let's be very clear. This is a normal episode. You've been on a bonus episode for Patreon listeners. It's called The Fuck Out. This is the real deal. This is going out into the ether.

You should have tricked him and said, we're not uploading this. We've gone wild. I mean, if he said we're not uploading this, you'd be amazed how quickly the microphone would be returned to table and I'd walk back to my flat. Here's the trick.

We're all wasting our life. Good job. Yeah, exactly. For me, this is a big deal. I'm not wasting my life. I'm enjoying this. We've got you fresh because you're this. Well, look, this is... We've got you fresh because you're here.

Look, here's what's happening to everyone. It's the last day of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. We are sitting down. We're not here on purpose wanting to record an episode. This is like an old record company contractual obligation album where it's like, fuck, let's get some episodes out before the festival finishes and everyone leaves. Yeah, this is...

Yeah, this is the record label going, let's pump out some real low energy records so we can have a two week holiday. This is a very specific reference, but those that get it will love it. This is really the Fleetwood Mac's tusk of episodes of this podcast. Yeah, see, Tommy knows what I'm talking about. Tusk, underrated. Some people's favorite, not everyone's. I wouldn't have gone that far because I feel like this is like a band going, ah, we don't want to do anything new.

Let's put a B-sides in rarities. Oh, yeah. This is a spaghetti incident, mate. Let's do a bunch of covers. That's right. Covers. Covers. Oh, yeah.

But that means in your, I don't mind that analogy of Tusk because does that then mean that the live episode that we did yesterday and put out last week? Yes. That's our rumors. No. It's Uzi and Will Anderson. It doesn't imply that we have done something good before. That is not your rumors.

That is just you guys doing drugs. You have to remember that in Fleetwood Mac- And fucking each other. And cheating on each other, of course. Do listen to that live episode. It ends with Dave Hughes being- A train is put on Dave Hughes by the rest of the comedians. And while he's doing it, he's just throwing

to various live radio broadcasts. You know what that man is? That man's a professional. He is. So we did the show. People will have heard it last week. My parents came along. I don't think we talked about this in the show, but they were there. Taking up valuable seats.

We sold a few more tickets, but whatever. Yeah, that was my parents that you saw on the street with. I walked past him, you refused to introduce them. Yeah. He was like, see you tomorrow. Of course. That's definitely your parents. I have a question, and we're not going to get into what we were talking about off mic

because you don't want to talk about it, but are you saying that the live show that is out now that you didn't go into the thing you don't want to talk about featured Tommy Dasolo's parents? Oh, no. I walked past him with his parents, but he was very ginger out letting me know that they were your parents. I gave you a high. Oh, no. I walked past him with his parents but he was very ginger about letting me know that they were your parents. I gave you a high. I acknowledged you

but I was like, I'm not bringing them into Wolfie's world. He was ginger about introducing us as his parents. Who were the two 70-year-olds he was walking down the street with? Who did you think would be?

Yeah, but it was just an odd thing because he waved at me and they just sort of didn't acknowledge and I thought, fuck, maybe they've heard shit about me. They're already aware.

No, they're too polite they'll be offering to have you stay next time you're in town I don't want that I want to be in my parents orbit I want to have a home cooked lasagna

mum does make a great lasagna also the lasagna by the way Tommy Dasolo not his real name they're not an Italian nonna and popper

I would have gone wrong Mrs Dasolo yeah yeah yeah your last name isn't Dasolo great subject to bring up on this show I don't think this has been

covered on the pod has this been covered on the pod even if it hasn't we're covering it again why would you pick such a long hard to pronounce name as Dasolo

it's a great question and ethnic yeah like also like yeah it's very weird was Tommy Muhammad taken away oh the calls are turning

that's a great idea time to rebrand you'll see next year you'll be looking at the best newcomer nominee list and you'll be like

that Tommy Muhammad guy looks a little familiar I got news for you I want you to do that for no other reason when people see your photo they'll be

because there will be some really dark souls in the comedy industry that'll be like he got an angle yeah I want you to do that for no other reason than when people see your photo, because there will be some really dark souls in the comedy industry that will be like, he got an angle. Yeah. I want you to go full feet first. Muhammad Dasolo. Muhammad Dasolo. Covering both faces.

I'm just going to say this. This is getting a bit close to the idea of becoming, okay, you change your name to Muhammad Dasolo. I don't want to say anything crazy. You start tanning. I think in about half an hour you will be blacking up so let's end this subject right now. This really feels like

I've never done this podcast before but I can feel the energy and if we get excited we are going to be we are going to be paying for a very a procedure that will end on you being featured

on the front page of Chortle. You know what I'm saying? Finally! You did it! Not the way you wanted! The cogs are That was That was something

Of course That was in the back of the head Of like hey if I'm gonna do it I've got it If I just Cause if I just commit And I'm at no point In for a penny

In for a pound I guess I delete this episode And at no point am I Ever letting it slip That it's a character Maybe I could gaslight An entire industry Into thinking

That I'm a That Tommy Muhammad Is a real guy a new comedian just started at the age of 36 he can do a spot on the last episode

we every time we have an idea like this I don't like these ideas where you just say something funny and you don't commit so I want to commit

we last episode we were talking about I want to register a show called because I have a showcase show this festival that you do plenty of

spots on called Best of Melbourne Comedy I want to do plenty of, called Best of Melbourne Comedy. I want to do a show called Worst of Melbourne Comedy just to see, A, what comics want to do it and what audience want to go to a show like that. I'll raise my hand for a few spots. Well, I've penciled you in already, to be honest. I can host that.

But then it's not a joke. Then it becomes real. I wanted to do it for my festival show, just call it The Best of the West, and it's just me. Oh, great. Do you think it's not a joke. Then it becomes real. I wanted to do it for my festival show. Just call it The Best of the West and it's just me. Oh, great. Do you think it's a good idea?

Because you come from Western Australia. Why wouldn't you do that? I am going to do it next year. The best of Western civilization. What is the cringiest thing you've ever seen a comedian do in the name of

trying to sell tickets? Oh. I asked this question and I know you changed your name to muhammad dasolo that's up there for sure i just i can't think of uh i'm trying to think of something cringy i just i went i asked that question and my mind has now gone blank there's a there's a person a great friend of ours friend of the show called ben lomas who was a big monty for like every year

he would do instead of getting out there and going hey what's going on you know the show ben lomas in i love comedy or whatever. It's like every year he'd pick a specific demographic and do a show about that because he would think, right, if I can get enough people into gardening, then I'll do a whole show about gardening. Oh, yeah. I've seen them do that. He knows nothing about gardening.

So he did a show about- I'll go to all the nurseries, leave flyers there. Yeah. Or at a hospital. I'm going to get in the cars. He did a show about coffee. So trying to get... Melbourne, no.

On paper, as a marketing idea, that is... Because this town, especially at certain times, have literally one of the places where it's like

either you're one of those people that's got really little glasses for big eyes and you know a lot about wine or you have a really questionable dye job on your hair and you're going,

you know, the Sumatra blend really gets me. And you just want to be like, I hit by a tram it's like you know the people the people that go like there's nursing shows there's teaching shows because big groups of people go oh we're nurses we're teachers let's get a let's get a group and make a big show of it or whatever it is funny that that works because on paper you would think it's like you've just worked this long day in a stressful job hey do you want to come and sit down and see someone just talk about your work at you it's like not really probably rather put on maps and just completely go smooth brain for an hour i used to completely agree with

you until i watched someone's teacher show and what it is is no one talks about the minutiae of teeth like no one they feel knows the fucking insanity of like for nurses like a friend of mine does those nurse shows yeah and he's like you've never had someone's asshole disintegrate in your hand and they all have and no one talks about it and i was like first of all what is the disease that disintegrates your asshole so i know when to commit suicide yeah yeah i'm gonna do a show about the minutiae of doing comedy and hope that all the comedians come to watch it. Totally, yeah. Mate, his name is Stuart Lee and you've been beaten to that.

No, no, what a great thing was a couple of years ago, I don't know if you were here for this one, but comedian Bob Franklin did a show. Oh, the fucking best. Do you know about this one? I don't know it. Bob Franklin did a show that was absolutely just to do, might as well be called Greg Fleet, What a Cunt. That's all it was. It didn't

mention his name, but he just pretended to be Greg Fleet for an hour. And then it was a full house every night, but because people in the industry get in for free, it was a full house every night and lost money on the show. It was only industry people The blurb was author, comedian, psychopath.

And I was not at the awards that year, but evidently Fleet called it out, being like, what a great year. I was in a show. There was a show about me that I loved. And it was like, you didn't love it. You didn't fucking love it. No, you did, though, because that's the thing.

When you do a show about a narcissist, he can't help but still go, ah, still about me, though, isn't he? Yeah, not bad. Selling well. It looks all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was actually happy about it. What an industry buzz about it. You know, people keen to see the Fleetman in whatever form he takes. It is very funny that people,

there was way more people going to see a show about Greg Fleet than seeing the show with Greg Fleet in it. Yeah, it'd be good to see the side-by-side. It's like the old days when Chopper Reed, the criminal, was out doing live shows, and then Heath Franklin impersonating him was filling stadiums or whatever.

But the real deal was playing it to like 100 people. Maybe that's the move for next year's festival. It's like me doing my new character, Ursula Carlson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See if I can just take her on. That is the move. I'm coming for you. I would like to share with you the best description of Greg Fleet I've ever heard in my life.

This was done by Josh Earl, and this killed me, which is, how would you describe Greg Fleet? He's the only man I've ever seen use a free drink coupon for a shot. Yeah, I love that. I love that. You're like, yeah, that's exactly who that guy is. I don't know if you've seen him lately, but he's off the smack and onto the snack. I mean, that happens to every single person that gets off any type of that drug because they still need a little hit.

What's the H stand for? Hollandaise? All right, here's the next 45 minutes. Let's go, fellas. Let's get it. I'm just shooting glucose straight into the vein. I will say this about sober people, though, especially the ones that have hit that variety.

They will give you snack suggestions where you're like, this fucking cunt's out of his mind. And then you fucking do it and you go now this is fucking thinking right here for example making a burger but inside a tortilla wrap instead of a bun and grilling that on a thing guy who you used to do a bunch of blow told me he's like i have two of those before i go to bed every night and i was just like yeah you used to do a lot of cocaine and then i made one once and it was amazing that's a good the like the fuckwit cookbook

and it's just all like, yeah, put Coke on your cornflakes in the morning. Absolutely. Would that work? I don't know. I'm sure there's someone

out there who'd be like, no, you put lemonade over your rice bubbles and it really makes a fucking scene. It does sound interesting. I live in the States

and one of the things you see there a lot is people getting a Coca-Cola with breakfast and that is, you're just like, what the fuck are you doing? And then I did it once and I got to the States, and one of the things you see there a lot is people getting a Coca-Cola with breakfast, and that is, you're just like, what the fuck are you doing? And then I did it once, and I got to tell you, they are on to a fucking winner there. There was a show we worked on very early on where it was funny.

There was a bunch of days in a row where you were on the Cokes in the morning, and it would literally be a thing where you'd get there early, have your Coke, sit on a park bench, but it was directly outside the window where we would work. And there was like three days in a row where people would go, let's watch Tommy Daslow drink a Coke at 9am. We're just sitting there watching him drink Coke. Yeah, it was this weird thing in my brain where I didn't drink coffee.

So I was like, this is my coffee. And then I was like, this is stupid. It's time to transition. How were you looking physically then? Were you big? That's a lot of sugar. I was probably the opposite where it was like that, but then I was just recently living at a home,

so just cooking the most minimal, just eating small portions of pasta. That was probably... I mean, you were in good shape now. You were probably in good shape then, but you probably got in worse shape. That was the start of it then. That was the beginning.

Drinking Coke for breakfast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the beginnings of it. That was you dipping your little toe in the water of fucking things up. Well, I think what it was, it was that, it was like, yeah,

living at home and just having no money, just eating basically nothing because you can't afford anything. And then a little while after that, getting into a relationship, moving in together, and then you're cooking big meals together and stuff so you're like my first experience of like so easy to lose weight when you're single you get back into a relationship and brother you balloon again but also like i had the same thing where i worked on

a tv show where that's the only thing that people remember about you do one little fuck thing is like there are still a lot of crew and people behind the scenes on TV shows. Dude, not flushing that toilet was pretty good though. When they see me, they go, oh yeah, still eating a pie for breakfast? Because a couple of days I got a pie for breakfast. I heard that you ate pies. I've been told that story. The pie eater.

This is classic, isn't it? I was getting pies for breakfast because there's this one bakery that only had pies at about nine o'clock. When it gets to 12, they didn't have any more pies. I'm like, there's such a good pie. I'm going to eat a pie for breakfast because I can't have a fudge. Was that a colleague buying the pies to piss you off? No, no, no.

That's what I would have done. Yeah, yeah, no. I would come in without a pie and they're like, what's happened today? What happened? So I'd be getting a pie for breakfast, but then the stories ballooned into, yeah, this guy used to come to work and he'd have a pie, a Coke, a Mars bar, a fucking milkshake. I'm like, cunt, let's just bring it back

to the reality of me fucking up once. I had a pie for breakfast. I didn't have the fucking rest of it. And even fucking up is like, that's a huge term for just eating a pie. Also, have you gotten to the point of comedian and show business confabulation stories where you're told a story that's about you?

I've had literally been like, you won't believe it. This guy did it. And I went, that wasn't fucking him. That was fucking me. And then they were like, oh, no, no. And I had to get out. It was a thing about a heckler. And they were like, I saw this guy do this thing.

And I was like, that was me. And I was like, yeah, it's the fucking best because then you have to do the opposite of what you're doing which is trying to undo yeah you like a psycho have to stand there and go no yeah here's what happened was this i'm reclaiming it but that's what's beautiful about life is like you know you do something and you like really stress about it and you're like oh god everyone's gonna be laughing at me for this fucking dumb thing that i did and they're not thinking about that at all what they're thinking about is you sitting on a park bench drinking a Coke. Of course.

I remember having a Coke every morning. I don't remember the park bench in any way. In my head, it's like I'm bringing the Coke into the office. Why am I sitting on the park bench? I don't know. I have zero recollection of this. I'm going to say this. The park bench makes it so much funner and sadder.

They should be playing the Baby Elephant song. And also, it's got a bit of a hint of like, he has to sit there and drink it because there's a bit of shame. Of course. It's a shame, but what I don't realize is that the window of the office looks like this. I've just never been over that side of the office. Was this the White Room? Yes.

What show was this? Man, I've got to go back to that park bench. What the fuck show was this? Crack a can just for old time's sake can we talk about australian television show names and how they all just guys gathered together having a chat the white room what the fuck was the glass house yeah spix and spex i am sure has been roasted by many a north american comedian which is like yeah i know it's a bg song or whatever but gentlemen yeah i implore you

hey we only just changed the name of coon cheese like a year ago so look come on did you did that finally get changed yeah changed what is it cool steven k amos is gonna have to retire that bad poor bastard no he'll find a way yeah he will find a way no all you have to do is remember when and then the rest of the beautiful. Beautiful stuff. I respect that. I got to tell you, I have so turned around. I love when just an old fucking just, do you remember doors, doors, doors? No?

Well, too bad. Here we fucking go. Yeah. In the survey at the start of the bit, eight people clapping and being like, I reckon I got enough here. There's enough people. And the others will just kind of fall in line.

It'll be like a rolling thing. I mean, Jemoan is the best one because you just know you're getting all of the bits. You just don't know which order. Is he going to do spiders? Funniest part of the stage. Bird land. You're just like, yeah. He'll come out and be like, I got some new material.

You're like, sure you do, man. Let's go. Come on. Raise those eyebrows. Is that your daughter? Is that your fucking daughter, Jim? So we were talking before about your Best of Melbourne Comedy Showcase. So I stuck around after the pod last night with my parents to watch that show.

Great lineup. Harley Brain hosting, Husey, Dave Thornton, Akmal, and Paul Foot. Hacks. Great lineup. Now, my parents hate swearing. Can't stand it. Oh, no. Well, I hope they enjoyed the podcast yesterday.

I assume they loved Paul Foot. They did enjoy Paul Foot. I just want to say this, by the way, none of those people are hacks. They just like doing that. Go ahead. Thank you for a little bit

of respect, finally, on this podcast. Anytime. It's only because there was an English comedian at the end of that, therefore making it a good show. Nice, nice.

Web-minded comedy. Sitting next to my parents, I'm like, boy, you really realize how much some of your peers are effing and jeffing up there when you sit next to your parents. Like, just watching Harley

going like, yeah, I'm with dad. Reign it in. Yeah, yeah. You don't need to use it every second word. Like, just chuck it in his punctuation.

I so disagree. Swearing is fun. Yeah. And just, who gives a fuck, bro? Like, I understand that your parents don't like it

hey they probably have made a couple of comments towards the Asian community that would probably make me blush while they're driving

you know what I'm saying we all got crosses to bear you know what I mean the burqa's getting a bit of a questionable stance from mom and dad

Harley is effing and jeffing from their house in Brighton I said to dad when have you ever encountered anyone wearing a burqa? He's like, I don't think I've seen one in real life.

I'm like, well, then what do you fucking care? They're wearing one at the bank. Why does it matter? I was like, I'm sure I've said this before, but I unfriended my auntie on Facebook when she started talking about Muslim bombers and flying planes into buildings and the worry about letting them into Australia.

I'm like, you live in Maribor. There's not even a two-story building in Maribor. Relax. No one's flying it into fucking Videoland. They're not looking at a map and being like, if we burn this sugar cane field, in seven years they won't be able to make as many Twix bars. So anyway, we finished the show, walked downstairs,

and I got to watch my mum holding court with Hughsy for 15 minutes. Oh, great. Beautiful. Fuck yeah. Beautiful interaction. I'm trying to get, because mum's a teacher, she's a tutor now. And so, because they actually, they don't live too far. She was trying to teach Hughsy English.

They don't live too far away from the Hughuses i was like uh i was like easy kids ever need some uh tutoring you know mom's in the area and he's like oh yeah i'm like god that'd be great like just a just a little hughes kid going like thanks for teaching me the seven timetables but yeah just great like very very sweet interaction he was being very nice and mom was like loving it and then you know we sort of this is just before we ran into you wolfie we turn around we start walking down the street and mum's kind of like buzzing. And she's like, oh, wow, he was so nice. It was so nice to talk to him.

And, you know, he's clearly so interested in everything. And like, I've got to say, I was like, I was like a little bit starstruck because like I feel like I kind of know him from seeing him on the TV. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that was nice. It was a fun interaction. I'm glad you liked it. And mum goes, yeah, I absolutely hate his stand-up though. Absolutely couldn't stand watching him up there.

I thought it was absolutely appalling, which I respect because it's like I'm someone who I'll not like someone's work, but then I meet them and I just get won over. You know what I mean? It's like you have a nice interaction. You're like, actually, I've changed my mind. They're a genius. I think their work is brilliant.

But for mum to just like just hold her ground not not for me yeah i have the worst version of so when i just started in comedy it was in canada and i lived in french canada but did english comedy and one of the biggest comedians in french canada is a guy named mike ward who is he's bilingual like but and so he did did stand up in english and we met in an open mic and he's like come over for me so the first time i ever did a weekend is for this guy sold out my family decides to come and my great aunt comes and there was a bit of english canadians and french canadians especially of certain ages really do not like each other uh and my great aunt walked up to

mike ward a guy who's literally given me work. And I didn't know this for years. And walked up and just went, very nice stand-up. But English people do not like swearing. You need to stop doing that. I don't know if you guys know this about English people. And he did not tell me until we were in L.A. together. And my grandfather had died. And he was in L.A. just like hanging out, taking meetings, doing podcasts.

And we're just sat there. And he went, your grandfather who died, is he related to your aunt in any way and I went oh no and he went funny story but and then told me that I was like Jesus fucking Christ he's like yeah I can't reflect on you but I was like you'd be so pissed if this like young comedian comes to your show and then you introduce his aunt and she's just like we don't like yeah yeah tone it down. Yeah, tone it down, new boy. I was so fucking nuts. Knowing that mum was sitting on that and she saved it for me until afterwards, it's like, because my dad especially would not put it past him.

Oh, of course. To Husey's face, be like, you're letting the art down? You're letting the craft down with all this swearing up there, Husey? Come on. You want to go and see my son? He doesn't swear as much as you. Yeah, do you think, did they talk about you at all? I love her. Thanks for't swear as much as you. Yeah, do you think did they talk about you at all?

Thanks for being so nice to tell me. They do, like they after, oh, when they were chatting with him. Thank you for being so No, they were just talking about the part

of Melbourne that they both live in and around. Yeah. I've got to ask one thing about John Hastings. We'll do this now before Wolfie gets here

and starts on the podcast. Well, I'm waiting to chat. Jump in any time, baby. I don't want to barge in. You can be just like us at any point if you want. We just talk. You just chip in, baby. We say whatever we think.

Thank you for giving me the green light. I'm glad you're... I didn't know where it started. I'm just going to say this right now. I'm just enjoying the chat. I'd actually like to go back to the other time. I'm done with you chiming in. I actually got in a vibe there where I felt like I was listening to the chat. I'd actually like to go back to the other time I'm done with you tramming in. I actually got in a vibe there

where I felt like I was listening to the podcast and I was like I'm just on the train going this is quite a good app. I love these ribs. I know what's weird is I have that sometimes

just with regular conversation. This podcast is really good. This unplugged podcast is something like a mess. Oh mate, but I do a lot of that. I've done it on your live shows. You just tune out

and you're daydreaming going I might get tacos. I'm glad you turned up here Wolfie because I heard a story about you last night that you turned up to a comedy venue here in town steaming drunk. Oh, no, that was the night before. And went up to the person who runs the venue and was like, oh, I'm just here to get my money for the spots. And this person went, Wolfie, you haven't done any spots here.

I could have done that, but it might have been someone else. I did have some bad run-ins. I'm banned from Exford, I told you that. Oh, yes. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? So context, here we go. The Exford Hotel, we've talked about this on the show.

I mean, it's an easy thing to say the worst pub in Melbourne. Yeah, it is. It's easy when it's true as well. What it is, is it's the Australian version of the Double Deuce in Roadhouse before Dalton shows up and cleans it up. It's the only place that I have literally walked by at 5pm and a guy was physically thrown into the street. And when he landed on the ground, he went, my girlfriend's in there. And then she followed immediately afterwards. my girlfriend's in there,

and then she followed immediately afterwards. It's a place I went past when someone got stabbed in there, and I don't think even they got kicked out. So what did you do? Oh, man. I can't believe it either, because Chris Franklin, he's there for years. He's been in prison, hasn't he?

Yes. Yeah, but I don't think he committed a crime. Not on site. Yeah, it's not like a bar as like, okay, have you ever been to jail? Well, yeah, I'm sorry, you can't come in. If they did that,

if the extra did that, they would be empty. Computer set up, checking your police records. Most of the staff are fired, even though they wouldn't be able to work there. Yeah, just checking for ankle bracelets. Come on, give us your ID and you're working with children,

check and then you can come in. Yeah, yeah. No, no, look, I don't think I was that bad, but you just told me another story I've done. I was drunk, but what happened is they wanted to kick me out. The tough thing about you is,

when someone told me you got kicked out, I was like, to be fair, it's very hard to tell if you are drunk or not, because you operate on a level where it's like, something's wrong here. I don't know what it is. I don't feel any different drunk. In the context of a late night ex-fiancé.

Here's my question. I know you don't feel any different drunk. Do other people treat you different when you're drunk? People scurry away from me like the lights have been turned on with cockroaches. Interesting, yeah. They dash away. I'm not a psychologist or a detective, but I have a feeling you may do something in that in-between zone

that elicits the scurriest. I do have vibes where I'm like, why is no one talking to me? And they're going away. Yeah, but look, I think I was in good form, but they said. I love getting kicked out of a bar story. They all start like this. This is how they all start.

I was killing. Yeah. Very normal night. Like nothing has happened. I heard you had 18 beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was Carlton draft. So, you know, anyone can do that.

The start of this story I heard before, describing your saying, I thought I was all right. This is what I heard before you were kicked out, well before you were kicked out. There was a gig on, and someone was on stage and going, okay. And because they were going, okay, there wasn't like heaps of laughter, there wasn't heaps of noise. And you're up the back at full wolfy volume,

which is like a 13, going, this guy's bombing. I did much better than this guy. No way. This guy's going fucking bad. I did much better than this guy. No way. This guy's going fucking bad. I killed. Why is this guy not going as well as I did? I'm not connecting with the industry. It's not there.

And people are just like, shut up, Wolfie. And you're like, I am being quiet. Okay, this is also the best part. When someone has to scream, I was joking, with the word though at the end of it. Yeah, that's a big thing. though at the end of it yeah the nuance of your original comment has been lost having distress in the midst of a comedy festival i was joking exactly yeah that's a lot but i forget i got a loud voice i did it with pete rosen just

last week yeah how do you forget i said to a guy can you go deaf from your own voice can you actually get hearing problems from you it's think he's going to break his own jaw. It's a vicious circle. Right, right. I'm making myself deaf, and then I have to yell even louder. I'm trapped in a fucking spiral. I only fix it by screaming more. You're the convenient version of Snake eating its own tail, but it's your ears and a microphone.

And I love that you're yelling even louder because you really want to hear what you've got to say. I'm killing! What? I'm the only person I'm really interested in, to be honest. I mean, I find him not chiming in earlier on is a lot more insulting than we originally thought. They overhear my voice.

Even Pete Rostorn, we had a gig, and there was a lady talking to him, and I was talking to another guy I'm like dude I've got to get over there and save him that chick's boring the shit out of him

I think she even heard it and he goes of course she did and he goes hang on but that's my wife and I was like I'm just joking

big joke I'm being stupid I've got to save him he's dying over there with that woman but yeah so yelling at that pub I think what happened

I was at the bar I was doing something with my elbows just one quick pause do you know the full story over there with that woman. But yeah, so yelling at that pub, I think what happened was at the bar, I was doing something with my elbows. Just one quick pause. Do you know the full story before he gives his version? No, that's all I know. Oh, no.

It ties into what you were saying before. There are multiple stories going around of how it ended. All right, so let's hear, I want to hear yours and then if you have the multiple ones,

I want to hear those. I had some shit like that. This is like 24 hours ago. This is 24 hours ago? There's already multiple versions of the story. The scratch has held. It was two days.

The scratch! Hang on, hang on. Come on. Tell the story properly. So I was doing something. Stop whole fictioning this bullshit. Exactly. It was a random interaction.

Some gag about I talk with my elbows. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. Hang on, what? I can't give you context. You were riffing? You were elbowing someone. No, I was elbowing someone. I said I communicate with my elbows to like...

So you hit someone. John, is it making sense why I didn't introduce him to my parents? No, but listen to this. Were you on stage with the elbow bit? No, no, I was wandering around the bar. Oh, okay. Now I already know how you got kicked out. No, but then they said, look, you've got a leg.

I also like how you said, oh, it's this bit I do with my elbow. It's like, you're not on stage. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. That's why I thought it was on stage. Yeah, yeah. That's conversation. I didn't know. Carl, you know my bit where I just piss places.

Yeah. No, but this was the line. Bouncers came up and said, you're going to leave. And I said, the only way I'm leaving is if you fucking catch me. I said, you've got to catch me. And then I suddenly got carried away and it felt like a streaker on a stadium running around just to be clear yeah you were running around the venue because you told me yesterday i was yeah i was running around and they and it made him get really

angry i don't know why it started as a run it started gingerly when i started stepping and then the pace moved i want to just i'm gonna just quickly just go back to the beginning of how this started and this is the best drunk person logic. They said you have to leave. Your retort to that was not okay authority. Your was well you'll have to catch me. I was like let's play Kiss Chasey.

The best part and I've heard so many versions of the stories is the beginning part that puts it on them. I was going slow at first. And I got carried away which I am known to do, which is fun. And they ended the fun we were all having of me running from the mousers. That's on them. I was only running fast because they kept chasing me.

It was a big laugh that they turned into something serious before we got in. But anyway, so then they started chasing me around, and there were like three of them. And I was moving around tables and then I started moving chairs. We're not talking about an elaborate manner. There was two rooms. You're making the expert sound like a robot.

It was near that pool. I was going around the pool table. I was grabbing chairs and starting to build. Okay, there we go. Building a fort. You weren't running away. You were fortifying your position. I made like a little foxhole.

This is all of a sudden I'm seeing Roadrunner. All of a sudden I'm seeing Saddam Hussein being pulled out of that spider hole. Trying to claim diplomatic immunity. Yeah, yeah. Diplomatic immunity. I got carried away with it because they breached my chair wall. They penetrated the beaches and they were running. And then I started actually running and I was pushed.

I think I pushed through some patrons, to be honest, to get away from them. What a lovely way to describe people. And then it escalated. By the way, patrons. Can we go down there after this? I just want to recreate it. I'm having a hard time visualising this in the space. I want to see the tour de Orpheus.

This is the moment we got our hand because the bouncer blocked my thing and then I do remember I put my hand in and did like the rugby charge to me. That's when the game had stopped. I'm going to let you know something, Orfie. The game stopped a long time before that. I think when you were

building the barricade it wasn't a game anymore. I'll let you know something. There was no game. This is not a game. Well, I thought we were having fun. I mean, you know, this is a weird metaphor to draw, but you know. But every time I got away. A serial killer is having a great time while he's murdering someone in a van. It does not mean the victim is going, what a fun Sunday.

Just because one person calls it a game doesn't make it a game. Big dopamine hit when you see the life drain out of their eyes. Yeah, I've never seen Dharma smile like that. Yeah, exactly. I guarantee a dog loves it when someone steps in their shit, but that doesn't mean that I love having to buy new shoes. But listen, there was play in what was happening

because every time I got away from them, evaded, I would dance a little bit like sort of taunting just to remind them that it's a game and it's fun I think I don't have a dictionary on me

but I would say this a game is when there is more than one person involved and all people know that they're in a game if you are

in a game and don't know it's a game it's not a game this is a game in the way that squid game is a game I wish someone

had explained games to me earlier. I had no idea of the context of the game. But anyway, so then they eventually won the game. Right. So they went from not knowing that they were playing to being victorious very quickly. They won the fucking game because they called.

I don't mind that. These fucks are good at games. Fuck, imagine just walking down the street and someone coming up and going, you won. Fuck, great. Awesome. I didn't know. You're like at the MCG. You're like down the street and someone coming up and going, you won. Fuck, right? Awesome. I didn't know.

And you're like, at the MCG, you're like, oh shit, I thought I was just at the shop. It was like the streaker. I'm playing footy and I've won. I'm a winner. It was actually like the streaker evading security.

Right, right. Again, I want to point out the streaker and the security are not playing a game. They are engaged in a law enforcement situation. Yeah. Was your dick out? No, my dick.

I never take my dick out. I'm ashamed of it. It's 2023. I am finally happy. And this comedy festival, for the record, loves a man just getting his tally whacker out. Loves a bit of penis. It could be a whole show. It is.

About four. Anyway, so then they eventually did uh win and corner me and when when they but then when they got me i realized i realized a little rat as they grabbed me i realized oh they never thought this was a game because they're fucking angry yeah yeah yeah they're at work story there is because it turns out i was blackout drunk so i don't remember it that clearly right but you're the reason they have to be honest. The other story there is because it turns out I was blackout drunk, so I don't remember it that clearly. You're the reason they have to be there. They manhandled me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They manhandled me. And then this is where the same manhandled me. Can I just say this again? As someone who was a bouncer, I have friends that are bouncers, my favorite part of all bouncer-involved stories is the what do you fucking think was going to happen? They're a bouncer. It's the scorpion and the toad.

What the fuck do you think? I thought we'd have a hug and go, well, that was a bit of a laugh. I fucked around. I didn't expect to find out. Are you out of temper? Who's your bouncer out of temper? It's a classic thing at the end of the game.

You leave it all on the field. You shake hands. You say, well played, guys. That's what I thought. Good match, boys. I didn't know a bounce had a temper. But they were fucking. Mate, do you know how uncomfortable it is to wear a black T-shirt two sizes too small?

Yeah, we've got a fucking temper. It's going to make you angry. But yeah, yeah. So then I got roughed up quite badly. Now it's halftime and you're in the change rooms getting just a spray from your coat. You're embarrassing yourself out there. What is this? And then I got back in the game because I resisted a little bit to get out.

And then supposedly the story goes many ways, but there was one story. This is where we start to diverge. Let's get into the David Lynch part of this. I have a scratch on my face the next day, so that definitely happened. So they had a cat bouncer? Man, the expert has everything. It was like a Melbourne scratch. So yeah, it was almost like a little cat's.

Oh, yeah, it's Melbourne's fault. Not a strong, not a Western Australian scratch. I feel like we're seconds away from him blaming Ted Nugent because of the cat's scratch fever zone. I reckon you did the scratch to yourself when you got home. In WA, if you get a scratch, you need stitches. It was a shaving scratch. Oh, wow.

Melbourne, weak scratches. You guys can't scratch for shit. I love this country's love of taking Melbourne. You know, where I come from, people actually make each other bleed in the face as opposed to pussy town filled with a bunch of little girls. This is a new one. Melbourne. Their little laneways, their love of coffee, and their inability to scratch properly.

Wake. Shaving cut. Pussy. I'm from a town where the bouncers cut you. Yeah. I'm from a tough town where the bouncers have long fingernails. Look it up. No one's ever won money on a scratchy here

because people are physically incapable of getting that silver shit off there. Everyone's so itchy here. They can't do anything about it. I am from a town where everyone carries a spatula to get that spot on your back and you play games with bouncers and bars. No nail salons in this town at all. You have to go to Ballarat.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But the story goes, so the evidence I have is... The evidence you have is... I have the scratch and the ripped shirt, but the other story was that they kicked the shit out of me. Right. And I got kicked in the head and the body. Kicked in the head?

Did they do this about 35 years ago? Because that would explain out of me. Right. And I got kicked in the head and the body. Kicked in the head. Did they do this about 35 years ago? Because that would explain most of this. Supposedly I got the shit kicked out of me and the next day I was walking quite gingerly.

I couldn't see any bruises but I was sore on the inside. I think it's probably because you pulled some muscles running away from bouncers in a bar. I don't think it had anything to do with...

Just remember, always stretch before you be a fuckwit. But in my head that's just... I reckon, always stretch before you be a fuckwit. I reckon they couldn't scratch you, so they fucked you in the ass. That's why you were walking gingerly. In my head, they just screwed me up. That's a classic Melbourne move. No fingernails, but plenty of dick.

I guarantee all that happened is they politely asked you to leave. I think that's what happened. And then you fell on the ground on your ass in the classic drunk guy finding a wall fashion of woe is me. And then you remembered something like, oh, carbohydrates exist. You're right.

I do remember later in the night crawling out of a kebab store. Probably could have had an injury there. You kicked on after this. That's the best bit. God, I'm hungry after this little game. What? There's other dive bars that will let me in.

You've got to warm down. Wolfie being ejected from the expert into the street and someone's just out there with the big thing of Gatorade to pour over him. I assume all thought this happened at 3 a.m. What time did this happen at approximately? I got home at 5. Imagine you get answered a question.

By the way, the balls on someone to get kicked out of the X-Foot and go where else can I go you were at the bottom and you're not allowed in there I've earned a little treat you guys are obviously not aware of drinking

in the park at the train station there's lower loads and I've been there I mean I gotta tell you I too have also figured out that you know

we could just drink at the fucking construction site yeah drink under a bridge there's lots of, you know, we could just drink at the fucking construction site. Yeah. Drink under a bridge. You know how good you feel walking by a construction site where a bunch of comedians are already drunk. And when you go, no, I'm going to go to bed and they call you a loser.

And then you wake up the next morning and they're still in the construction site. They only just look 10 years older. And you go, I think I did the right move. I've been doing a lot more straight drinking. kind of like unlocked in my brain during lockdown you just like get a get a beer and go for a walk like something that you'd never think to do normally but it stayed in my brain i've been taking the dog for a walk just cracking a brew while i'm walking around the street with it straight up because this is the thing now is like there's enough like there's enough craft beers that have these like fruity looking cans that from a distance you could just go oh that's just a soft that's kombucha that's yeah

yeah no one talks about the great millennial uh help to this society which is we brought you graphic design labels used to just be what was in there yeah yeah you see an ipa it's a wizard's beard around a dragon's face yeah it's all mixed up I hate it. I hate it. I preferred it when it was basic. I can see why you would fucking hate it. You seem like a basic guy. I liked when it said beer, tomato sauce. That's it. Just gently.

Of course. Hang on. Have you confused the two? Is that what your problem is? I mix it up. I get it wrong all the time. Wolfie just wants to guzzle his hand sanitizer. He doesn't want some funky Instagram.

I don't want any show shit. He doesn't want anything too fruity in his soap. Black and white. He is a goer. He is a go, go, go guy. He's a businessman. He's got a large

car phone. He was go, go, going last night. God damn right he was. He's got bars to play games with the bouncers in. I'm moving, I'm shaking,

I'm doing deals. I can't fuck around with a wizard on a bottle. He's got parents not to meet. You know what I mean? He's got things to do. Do you have any

mid-strength bleach here? I've got to do it. But do you actually like it? I things to do. Do you have any mid-strength bleach here? I've got to go. But do you actually like it? I find it childish. A wizard on a bottle. You're fucking 12 years old. I love it. I want it.

It's a fucking bear. What's also wrong with being a bit childish? Do you know how much being an adult sucks? A bag of assholes? Get a cartoon bed sheet. Yeah. As opposed to a fucking grey bed sheet. Oh, here's a reminder.

Life is over. Why don't you get a full Formula One bed? Life is over. Can I get a full Formula One bed? Yeah, why can't I get a full Formula One? Wouldn't that be... All right, fuck this. Let's chase Wolfie around this pub right now. Let's go. Come on.

Come on. It's time for a bit of kiss chasing, Brits. You played a fucking duck duck piece with venue security last night. Yeah, but look. So the thing is, I got home. My shirt was ripped. And I thought, well, it was all fun and games. But then when I went back last night, it is.

Amazing. Amazing. They said, what? Amazing. Costanza turning up like he never quit the job. That's exactly what it is, you're Costanza. I went up there and they go, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like, come on, boys.

It was a bit of a joke. And they were like, you are never coming in this venue ever again and then I said, fuck, now we have to go to the fucking festival bar which is the end of days.

Best of three. But then guess what I did and two hours later I tried again. Did you get in? No, they said, two hours later

and then I said, we'll see you next year, I'll be in there by then so I don't know How the fuck I'm going to get back in We've got to try We've got to go try after this

It's a Sunday night Hopefully it's a couple Of different fellas Working the door I've got news for you If you've made Bouncers break a sweat They've described you

To everybody Do you know what the thing was They're not going to Let me back in Because Do you think your photo's On the wall in there That'd be great

I think I wasn't that bad It's just They don't want the effort Of getting me out because they know it's at least an hour game. I'm going to let you know, you've cracked how someone gets banned from a bar. That's literally...

The reason they don't want you back in the business is they've learned you're a bit of a risk in getting out of that business. Can you guys not appreciate the fun in it? Once you cause a bouncer to pull a hamstring, you're not going to get back in there. Yeah, it's not ideal. But thankfully I don't live in Melbourne, so I've not lost much.

Next time you go in there, you've got to oil yourself up when you go in. So the bouncers can't get a good purchase on you. I'm planning to trade my way back up, buy Exford, and fire them all. It's Wolfie's pit. No security for anyone. Wolfie's pit. I'm changing the branding. Am I the only one that assumes the owner of the expert has an eye patch?

Yeah. As soon as you've said that, that makes complete sense. Yeah, you know what I mean? Just stood in front of a room you can't go into, and there's just eight people cleaning AK-47s. And you're like, yeah. Is that Wolfie there playing his games again? Yeah.

I feel like there's some people living in the basement with a lock on the latch and there's not a lot of work permits happening. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that place has the real vibe of the owner has held someone else's passport in front of their face and gone, I don't think you're getting that back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is a fun hang in there, hey. I mean, I like it. It reminds me of home, hey. Were they like spectators to this incident getting into it? Actually, that was what was revving it up. There were comics filming it. Oh, okay.

I was doing improv. No, but no one got the dressing down. They only had the playful dancing bit as an escape. They probably did not get the playful bit. And they can see, yeah, I don't think they uploaded it. Hopefully I can grab that because then who knows? Maybe. Nah, I'm going to talk lawsuits.

I'm not going to do it. I'm being a dickhead. You put it on TikTok. I would never do it. Put it on TikTok, mate. Oh, TikTok's a better move. Wait a minute. You were going to plan on suing me?

I was joking. I would never do it. I will bankroll that lawsuit. I'm not a child. I will bankroll it. John Hastings Corp and Little Dumb Dumb Towers. We will bankroll that lawsuit. I'm not a child. I will bankroll it. John Hastings Corp and Little Dum Dum Towers, we will bankroll the greatest... Dude, I'm not a child.

I'm going to try and get a job as the courtroom sketch artist for this trial and then I'll put the drawing of you on the stand on the label of a craft beer. I'll dress as a fucking mermaid. I just want to see him run around a courtroom. I think cross-examination of this. First of all, the judge will yell at us.

What are you doing here? Sir, we are wasting time. When they find out I'm representing myself. You will not be representing yourself. I will be representing you. Trust me, dude. I know the law. Yeah. You try to bring in my parents as a character witness,

they're like, we've never met this man in our lives. There's no way that someone isn't representing themselves when the case is literally this. I was drunk and running around away from the bouncers. What are you sitting for? I didn't like that. I like this trial where it's like literally three weeks of it is us getting into the weeds of the definition of the word game.

Just like day after day of like the... I would never do a lawsuit. I am going to demand that we file this lawsuit in the United States so we get discovery, which means they have to hand over their evidence and we have to hand over this podcast of him just going, it was fun, it was a game. Oh, yeah, that's a lot.

Your Honour, Andrew Wolfe knows a game when he sees it. He's a big proponent of snakes and ladders. Not so many ladders. Mostly snakes in his life, to be honest. And that's a lot because Discovery might get other CCTV footage of the actual things I did to get kicked out. I'm trying to soften this story. We only have the conscious waking hours of this story.

And I'm like, yeah, just an elbow incident. And then I'm like, holy shit, he's got his dick out. The phrase elbow incident does imply that you've edited some activities holy shit, he's got his dick out. The phrase elbow incident does imply that you've edited some activities. Yeah, we have a lot of it. That's you gussing it up.

Like the elbow incident is the best way you can play it and it still sounds terrible. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah, it still sounds like

a living, waking nightmare. The bouncers aren't as good here. Like in Perth, they would have got me out hours earlier. I love this.

I love this. If they didn't want to get murdered, why didn't they take the gun away from me? I'm going to say this right now to everyone who is from Perth. They shouldn't have dressed that way. He was asking for it with that number around his neck. Don't dress as a bouncer unless you want to scuffle. Attention, people of Perth.

Your city is not that good. There is a reason why it is remote Stop comparing Well you know in Perth actually My friend Ron lives there That just means you like your friend Ron It's not a better city Shut the fuck up

Honestly you haven't tried our Nando's I have tried your fucking Nando's Go fuck yourself Yeah doing something special ACDC left Perth for a reason You fucks He did, eh? That's why he drank so much.

God damn right. He drank to forget where he was from. He fucking inebriated to live in Fremantle. I'll tell you what, Perth sounds great to me. I can't wait to go. Next time we go over there, I want to go into one of your pubs and just have a real fucking workout. Do a couple of Ks in there. A couple of laps.

Put the Fitbit on. Do a few laps. Next time I'm in a silly mood, I'm booking a flight. I'm going to play some little games over there. Boys, let's book in a games night. I'm ready. This is my game. I'm going to go after Wolfie.

You a gamer? Oh, I'm a gamer. This is the last night of the festival, and I want to get, I want this podcast's image to be you in the experts somehow tonight. I don't know how you're going to get in but I want you

I've got image of them detaining me I want that image but I want the image of you in the expert I don't know how you're going to do it but

you seem like I think I can get back I think you can too I wonder if we could get in there and get their CCTV footage that's what

I'm wondering I want you disguised and then when you get in you take off the disguise and you've got like the running singlet the bike shorts spikes on your runners.

Yeah, yep. I can get them back though. I don't. With the bouncers. You can get the bouncers back. No, it's in a thing. I've had a couple of shots hang out. Right.

Yeah, but you've got to get in there first. You can't buy shots from the outside of the expert. Yeah, but I'll find what bar they go to. I love a confident alcoholic because it always comes down to we'll just have a couple of shots and it'll all be sorted out and it's always just like this imaginary of just like all we have to do is get to this Shangri-La bar

also I know how I'll fix things I'll just get in the same state as I was that caused all of these problems of course everyone does that you think I'm just a few shots away from fixing my marriage we'll just drink this better.

You do wine, I do beer. We'll stay together for 40 years. Isn't that every fucking marriage? That's what you got. Oh, man. Fuck.

Fuck, I'm glad I woke up the beast about 40 minutes ago. Yeah, weren't you about to ask John a question? Yeah, yeah. Who cares? Yeah, seriously. I'm not going to be able to top the absolute life that is a game of Andrew Wolfendrunk.

Oh, yeah. Fuck. I had a better story, but we'll leave it. How do you have a better story? I'm joking. I just wanted to leave it. Then he goes, fuck, this guy's got game. I've got fuck all day.

How is it? You said about sharing your shares, how is, I've had money entrusted with you. A couple of years ago, I gave you money for the idea of growing it so that we had enough money to buy a bar in Thailand. Now, as dumb as an idea that is, an even dumber idea is giving Andrew Wolfe money.

Why did you? You know what's dumber? It's giving me your superannuation. What was he, what were you going to put the money in to grow it? Look, I keep telling her that the stock market is a game of patience. Another game. Fuck. It's a transfer.

You put it like that. Your money is currently, it's behind some chairs. It's made a little barricade. My money's about to be kicked out. Ironically, Carl, your money is working for Andrew right now. They say you've got to get your money working for you. It's working for him. It's being redirected into a lawsuit.

No, dude, it has had movement, but mainly down. Yeah, movement's not great because it's up and down, mostly down on the budget. Mainly down, but then every time I come on the trip, it seems to come back up, almost like it's a Ponzi scheme where I put my money. Every time you know you're going to see me, all of a sudden I get emails

there's notifications something's happening I better take some money from this account no but it's look the first idea we had failed so we've accepted that

what was the first idea what was the first idea the stem cell business that got rejected what are you talking about what are you fucking talking about and that's the reason

I'm living back at my parents so we're all fucking suffering from that there's a little we in here look when Wolfie sells the film rights talking about. And that's the reason I'm living back at my parents so we're all fucking suffering from that situation. There's a lot of we in here. Look, when Wolfie sells the film rights

to this upcoming trial, then you'll get reimbursed. We all went down with that shit. We're not walking past. When we have this movie Chariots of Fire inside a pub.

Dude, but I'm the captain still in the boat. What? In the name of sweet fuck are you talking about stem cell business? It was a stem cell that had some interest in COVID as well. I gave money to you and you were saying you were going to make a fortune

because they're basically going to invent the cure for COVID. Funnily enough, Andrew Wolfe did not predict that properly and I don't know where that money is now. Well, it was hard because I didn't even think COVID was real. Yeah. Hadn't really researched it. I'm going to where that money is. Well, it was hard because I didn't even think COVID was real. Yeah. Hadn't really researched it. I'm going to say this right now. Now, whenever I see someone being chased by bouncers in a bar,

what I always do think is, I bet you he had some questions about COVID earlier. I wonder if I can invest money with him. Yeah, exactly. Let me tell you who you never saw being chased through a bar

by bouncers. Bernie Madoff. This man looks like a sound investment to me. Yeah, yeah. So we're in a speculative minor

now, so who knows? Oh my fucking God, who taught you that word? I've got a good pivot because Miso Blast can be,

it's possibly coming back. Right, so at the moment, the money I gave to you was to grow into a bar. Can I even got a good pivot because Miso Blast, it's possibly coming back. Right. So at the moment, the money I gave to you was to grow into a bar. Can I even buy a beer in Thailand at this point? Oh, man. I can buy you a beer. Yeah, but ironically, but with your money.

With what's left of your money. We're going to tax it a bit. No, you're pretty much at break even still. Am I? Yeah. It pivoted back up in the last few weeks. Like I said, it feels like whenever you think you're going to see me, there's a lot of movement.

But it's like when I did an exit. I start off slow and then I move swiftly. Right, right. Once we get momentum, it'll be triples, triples. Right, right. I just want to point out quickly, in that metaphor, Carl, I think you're the bouncers. Yeah, right.

Yeah, I've got deep monetary scratches on my face. But once I've got the first double, then we're at the races. So we get the specular minor, then we'll pivot that into the stem cell business. Once we get that first double, I think the money's been with you for three years now or so. I'm just going to say this about the financial world, the economy. When we just let everyone use words like

pivot synergy growth i want i want you all to know i hate this yeah i hope you all lose money well yeah look i think it's not going to get any better again i mean i realized this a long time ago but once you said once i realized i had money with someone who's living with their parents it's yeah it wasn't ideal yeah and and but look everyone has access to tiktok and financial gurus oh for fuck's sake i get most of my research from tiktok i had to explain to someone that bernie sanders has nothing to do with setting the inflation rate because they'd watched a bunch of tiktoks and said they were and they kept being like, no, I read it in the news. And I was like, what news? And they finally were like these news sites,

like one of them was like socialist news, like hashtag. I thought Bernie Sanders invented KFC. He certainly did. Oh, come on. Colonel Sanders? I loved it. No, it was a good joke.

You can delete that one as well. No, no, no, no, no. I want that joke put in the place of the other joke you deleted twice. I'm deleted twice. If you're twice. Let me ask you, how much is a bar in Thailand? We were looking at it at the time. It was like, I think it was about...

Eight grand? It was eight grand, wasn't it? Yeah, $8,000. XFIT's probably eight to ten grand, if we're honest. No way. I guarantee XFIT's one of those things where it's like, how is that place open? Because it makes $1.5 million a Saturday.

Once the lawsuits hit, you'll have problems. I would love to see whoever the fucking owner of the X-Fort use it for a lawyer because you know it's some sweaty, scary ass. I think it's a whole motorbike gang.

Imagine this becomes the most downloaded episode of any podcast ever. I mean, you come back next year, Wolfie, and your festival show is the Andrew Wolfe reality tour. Yes. And you just guide people. Oh my God, and your festival show is the Andrew Wolfe reality tour.

Yes. And you just guide people. Oh, my God. You do a reenactment every night of this little game. You should absolutely do the Andrew Wolfe reality tour. And then come for a night out. In the lead up, you only need to come for the first night of festival. Me and Tommy will do a two-week training course for everyone that wants to come along,

so everyone's fit enough to go on the tour. They've got helmets and gum guards. Yeah, yeah. They're essentially running a tough mudder, but with Jäger bombs instead of mud. That's not good. Fuck. Oh, God.

Well, I think that's going to do us for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Andrew Wolfe, John Hastings, thank you for joining us. Guys, this was so fun. Everyone go to my social media, at the John Hastings. I will be posting updates from the trial. I will be flying back to Australia to I will be serving

not as counsel but as a assistant counsel I think that we're going to make Carl the lead lawyer okay great you can lead it

Tommy will be the courtroom sketch artist I'm the sketch artist yep I want to be the guy that's next to Carl on the tape you know when you

watch like legal proceedings in the states and there was that guy that leans in and is like yes I think we're fucked

yeah I want to be that guy little treat for the lip readers not feeling good about this who's going to be my cousin Vinny yeah yeah Carl is your cousin he can be my cousin

Daslo my cousin Mohammed yes my cousin Mohammed yes guys have you got things to plug Wolfie what have you

got going on just plug the bath Wolfie what have you got going on Just plug the bath If you're over in Perth Wolfie's digging over there a lot Just plug the bath I've got a I've got a pod But we don't release that much

Sure thing Okay great We've stopped for a few months And just lost But it might come back Yep It's a financial pod If you're looking to get words

Like pivot No it fucking isn't Fuck off Pivot That's a real thing Synergy Maximise growth Of course

To the moon Diminishing course, to the moon. Yeah, to the moon, fuck off. You're doing lots of gigs in Perth. You're the king of Perth. Yeah, well, I'm Lord of the Flies. Yeah. Haystow, what do you got? You're back home, I think. I'm back home tomorrow, so

please hit up my Instagram or any social medias at the John Haystings. All I do is release clips. I'm one of those fucking guys. Wait, what's your special? I have a bunch of stuff on YouTube. I have an hour special from 2019 that is on YouTube. Please go check that out. And I'm going to release this hour and last year's hour in August and then December, respectively.

So please follow all those things at the John Hastings at the John Hastings on YouTube. Love you. Love the show. Jesus Christ, Wolfie. I still can't fucking get back on the fucking. Yeah, like it was a game. Oh, my God. I want.

Can we go find these bouncers and just be like, what happened two nights ago? Because I guarantee they never use the word game and they use the word cunt. Yeah, they did. Maybe you guys can come and help smooth it over. Yeah. Yeah, I am busy. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll. I am busy. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening

and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Fun times. Yeah. Really rung that out at the end of the Comedy Festival. What was that?

The last day of the Comedy Festival? Yeah. Was it? Last day? Yep. Just jammed it in. Jammed it in there. Hastings on the show for the first time. guy uh yeah he did some bonus episodes if you want to sign up to patreon yes

basically he we just went oh we'll get him on a bonus episode and have a bit of fun with him and then went well why are we wasting him on this yeah yeah get him on a main one so let's pair him up with one of the biggest freaks that we've ever met. Yes. Very funny. I was telling people that story. I went and saw some friends that night. It's just such a funny response to venue security. Mate, you're going to have to leave.

You'll have to catch me first. Yeah, yeah. Pretty funny. At the end of the episode, Wolfie was like, oh, yeah, thanks for getting me in there. And I was like, I didn't get you in. After 15 minutes, I made a joke about how you hadn't said a fucking word. And it just woke you up. Yeah.

Yeah. And he's like, oh, you guys are talking about music. I don't know anything about music. It's like, yeah, it's fine, man.

It's in the can now. Yeah. You don't have to defend yourself to me. You ended up then the entire rest of the episode was about you. Yes. So it all balances out in the end. Yeah. It was too much of you in the end.

Yeah. Wolfie, just over for a couple of days um we didn't even talk about did we even talk about why he was there like the shows that he was I think we talked about it on a bonus ep that'll be

coming out uh this there we go these next couple of days so if you want to hear the actual story of uh why he was doing in Melbourne yeah um it's pretty good yeah

sign up to patreon yes patreon.com slash little what he was doing in Melbourne. It's pretty good. Sign up to Patreon. Yes. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. You get two bonus mini episodes every week, quite often with guests that you've heard on the main show this week, but also, you know, sometimes it's random people. Well, there you go.

You've got both of these guests, if you enjoyed them. Yeah, in the last or next couple of weeks, that's who you're copying. Yep. Yep. Hastings has been out a couple of weeks ago. Yes. Yeah, Wolfie's coming up. Yep. Yep.

Good. Well, let's just get into the Patreon then. Yeah, sure. Because we're doing two of these back to back, so we might as well just get into it. And we have an hour till 12, which means the hunger pangs are going to start in about half an hour. Okay. Let's crack in. 11.30 hunger pangs are going to start in about half an hour. Okay. Let's crack in. The 11.30 hunger pang.

Thanks to everyone who is a member of our Patreon. Yep. That means you are doing the real deal. You are keeping this show on the air. The rest of you are freeloading pieces of shit, POS. I'll abbreviate that to save some time on this episode and you know it's the people

that aren't subscribing that if we stopped the show would be like oh why well guess what mate because you're not chipping in any cash

that's it I do like the people that we meet in IRL that come up and go oh big fan not on Patreon though yeah

you don't need to let me know why would you say that it's fine that's the sort of thing you should hide't need to let me know why would you say that that's the sort of thing you you should hide that's the sort of thing where if you say massive fan and we say are you on patreon then you say yes you have to be honest you do the op no no you that's what you should be oh you should be lying we don't know yeah if you were using half a brain yeah that's what you would do but they're doing the absolute opposite. You're volunteering that information without it being pressed on it. Do you think like if you were like a famous actor and you're getting stopped,

let's assume you're like, I don't know, Chris Pratt or someone like that, and you're getting stopped presumably quite frequently in the street by fans. I mean, the level of it that they have to deal with, you know, do you imagine you're getting people being like, oh, yeah, yeah, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, I loved it. I pirated it. with you know do you imagine you're getting people being like oh yeah yeah um guardians of the galaxy 2 i loved it i pirated it do you know what i mean it's like they would be getting now i gotta let you know i downloaded a torrent i didn't pay for a ticket yep you'd be getting i mean just someone going i thought the last guardians of the galaxy was shit that'd be the least that'd be like the least of your worries like the links that people would

go to to let you know that they have not financially supported you in any way. Absolutely. I reckon it's across the board. I signed a petition to say that you shouldn't be the voice of Mario, but then I saw it and it was actually not bad. Yes, I reckon they would get that. No wonder these people go crazy. I think you can keep trying to do an outlandish parody.

And you still haven't gotten close to 10% of the words. I still think you're just saying things out loud that they would definitely hear yeah yeah that's why it's like when you read these things it's like you know i follow like these celeb gossip sites and they'll have reports of like oh yeah i met this person once at a cafe i went up and asked for a photo on their real route it's like yeah no shit they're probably like anytime someone comes near them they're like oh god what's, what's this fucking backhanded thing going to be? And also, they're reacting to that thing of someone coming up and going, yeah, I'm a big fan, never watched any of your work, never contributed a cent.

And actually, I think three quarters of it has been quite shit, but can I have a photo? Yeah. And then they go, oh, fucking hell. And you go, oh, wow. Root alert. Yeah, yeah. I'm with my family. Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to have dinner. You've asked for a picture with my pants down. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Anyway'm with my family. I'm trying to have dinner. You've asked for a picture with my pants down. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Anyway, that's us. That's us. On a micro scale, that's us. We are Captain America.

Is that who he is, Chris Pratt? No, that's Chris Evans, I believe. He's Captain America. Okay. Who's Chris Pratt? Chris Pratt's the main Guardians of the Galaxy guy. And he's the voice of Mario. And you know who else he's voicing this year?

Who? Garfield. Oh. Okay. What a bizarre intersection of three things to be doing at the same time. Is that one of those things where, like, is that cool to do? Like, because, you know, like, now that they have Hank Azari's not allowed to do Apu and stuff. I mean, are they allowed to get like a non-cat to voice?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that cool? He's doing orange face. Yeah. He's doing I hate Monday face. All right. Thanks to everyone who monetarily contributes. A minor thank you to people who listen for free.

A semi thank you to everyone who went to live podcast this year so far Oh yeah, yep A thank you in advance for people who've got tickets to the Brisbane Live podcast on May 20 Yep There's different tiers of thank you That's everyone Is that everyone? That's the entire population covered

We're not thanking anyone who doesn't listen and has never listened No No thanks No thanks To you Well you might be helping our lives in other ways I mean my GP doesn't listen to this. Thanks to my family.

But, you know, he's helped me out. Yeah. Thanks to my family. They don't listen. Yeah. Thanks for doing all the bits and pieces that can get me across the city to your house right now. Exactly. Yeah.

And then, look, very specifically, we don't have time to thank everyone in every sphere of our life. We don't have time to thank everyone in every sphere of our life, but specifically let's get to the nitty-gritty of some specific people who have paid us money. Some good little boys and girls. Yes. Thank you very much to first cab off the rank this week, Patreon subscriber James Collings. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Sorry, I threw you a real curveball at the end. By putting the hard G in there. There's no James Collins. It's James Collings. I thought we were going to get James Collingwood. No. That would be nice. Wrong.

Yeah. No, we've got just James Collins with a speech impediment. A bit of a speed bump there. You know what I was thinking last night? Is this something? Is this a bit? Right. I was at a bar with a friend, and he mentioned something about the footy,

and this guy who had just bummed a cigarette from us was by himself and overheard, and he just turns around and is then just like, Sorry, I just heard you mention you go for Collingwood. Boy, it felt good fucking you guys on the weekend. And then they just, you know, just an excuse for him to just get in and talk about footy, talk about sport. I think that might be the only thing where people are like, this is A, okay to eavesdrop and B, okay to insert myself into a conversation that I'm overhearing about sport.

Like you don't really do that with, that's not okay with anything else really. Like you'd never be sitting there being like, sorry guys, I couldn't help hearing you were talking about being on holidays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went on a holiday to Japan once and I had a great time. Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about time off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really is the one thing where people like truly can't help themselves.

And they need their thoughts on the game to be to be heard by this couple of strangers that are just having a chin wag well i would say this the the times i get stopped or eyeballed or talked to or whatever in the street it's it's just two things which is either this podcast yep someone comes in with an overly familiar and like getting too close and you know here we go which one of these two is is it with me? It's the podcast or it's me wearing a Liverpool hat or a top and they have the connection. Liverpool everything. Yes.

Oh, yeah, good one on the weekend. Yes. But that's exactly what I'm talking about. I've got my Snoopy jumper on. No one's going to stop me in the street and go, oh, yeah. Tell you what I love, May the 8th, 1972. Boy, that was a ripper. I like the bit where he lays on top of the doghouse.

Yeah. Speaking of that. Literally, there's nothing else where people do that. Yeah. Here's the sign I was wearing too much Liverpool stuff on the weekend, which I was, but I was, you know, I buy it for training, for like going for runs. Like you've got to have something.

And you pay 80 bucks for a top from Nike that has nothing on it it yeah i go oh i might as well buy one of our things yep so and again got yes got carried away yeah just started buying stuff like a heap of stuff and uh the other day i went out for a walk with my child and was where and didn't realize how much i was wearing and just this guy got like just sold it up to me at the traffic lights and was like so um liverpool and i go yeah and he goes do you do you work for them and i go no i go i'd be a bit fucking lost if i did wouldn't i he goes now they've got like camps and stuff out here i'm like okay i guess so and he's like yeah so you don't you don't work for them i'm like and i'm like training him like the craziest man of all

time going yeah of course i fucking don't yeah and he's like oh okay and then i just sort of looked down and went i have matching all of it i've got all of it yeah all of it not only it's not even like you know separate like years or. I just had the full kit from like, the full training kit from one year. And I'm like, I do look like I work for them. I do look like. Yeah, true. But also if you did work for them, would you, would you be just walking around on the weekend? I don't know.

With your child like wearing all their stuff. I agree, but I'm also with him where I'm like, what is the other explanation? Why are you wearing all of it? Yeah. Like. Well, the other explanation is that you're a of it yeah like well the other explanation is that you're a huge fan it's funny that he doesn't immediately go to that he's like there must be some no one can love liverpool yes but it's but it's the other the other side of it is i'm because

i'm not even wearing like the normal the shirt that they wear like that they play in the playing kit i'm wearing the training kit that the coaches would wear like that's what i would you know that's what i was saying you're wearing you're wearing the shirt that just says staff on it yeah yeah yeah the warm-up stuff like yeah yeah like that's what i was saying to people like in lockdown or whatever like i bought that much stuff and it was like it's not even like the aspirational it's not even like hey look at this i play for them it's like look at this i'm i i'm pretending to be an assistant coach yeah yeah. I'm pretending to do admin for a football club. I like the idea of going to a comic convention and you see a guy walking around dressed as Mario. And you're like, you work for Nintendo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't know if you've noticed this, but you're dressed head to toe in the costume of one of their characters. Are you on reception at Nintendo? You must. That's pretty cool. Yeah, you do their social media or something? No, nothing as exciting as that. I just like it.

I just like him. I want to look like him when I'm out in public. That would be good if Nintendo reception, they made you have the moustache. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've been out there, and they're just all regular people. The receptionist is like,

the receptionist is an older lady who I truly reckon has no idea what's going on in that building. Yeah. Because you turn up and you're like, oh, how cool is this? We're at Nintendo. It's going to start the minute we walk in the door. Yeah. And it's just some old woman being like, now I need you to fill out this, put your information down on this slip.

Yeah. And you're like. What's your name? What's your high school? Yeah. All that stuff. this slip yeah and you're like what's your name what's your high school yeah all that stuff it's like i wonder if you what your family are like you you know your nephews and stuff being like what's it like working at nintendo and she's like what's that yeah yeah yeah yeah well thanks james

thanks james collings thanks james collings is it john john collins is a is a drink um what's the james calling yeah it's a gym collings it's just uh something with a no i fucking i don't know yeah yeah it's just a shit drink yeah just a shit drink collings is just a weird version of collins so it's like it's a thai knockoff yeah it's a bootleg it's like yeah it's like the drinks in in thailand where you get the drinks in there it's like cocktails are only three dollars it's like it's a Thai knock off yeah it's a bootleg it's like it's like the drinks in Thailand where you get the drinks and it's like cocktails are only $3

it's like yep but what's in them I don't know but they're $3 so I'm drinking them anyway so instead of the alcohol you've got there's metho

there's methylated spirits in a James Collins gets you fucked up there it is doesn't cost much that's what you wanted won't make you die immediately yeah

I don't know what the long term thing is but, but it's not good, but you'll never know exactly how bad it is to you. Yeah. Yep. That's you, James Collins. That's you, James. Thank you very much, too.

Thanks, James. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alan, here we go, Hedgecock. Okay. Okay. Yeah. This is the way this guy's finding his way out of a maze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we pause for a minute to just draft a few up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just dig first out of the maze. Yep. Just not trying to find his way home. Just plowing it through the maze. Well, you know that meme that people always use of Homer where he's going through the hedges into Flanders? The hedge that the Simpsons don't have in any other episode

that's just there for one side gag. Yes. But it's Homer coming out cock first. Yes. It's Rod and Todd just seeing like a little yellow tip of a penis coming out through the hedge. No, it's a little boy in The Shining just running desperately through it in the snow and just this dick following him.

Yeah. Large talking dick chasing him through the here's dicky yeah i'm feeling pretty tired fuck i hope not because we got a lot i know i'm very conscious of like yeah it's a marathon it's not a sprint that's it it. A, and just a beautiful tiny little five percenter of the fact that his name's Alan, which means initial A. So then you get to be A Hedgecock as well. Yeah. Yeah. Good on him for sticking with this name. Yep.

Not, you know, not pissing it off at any point. Yeah. It's admirable. It's a real, I don't know, it's a real loyalty to his to his family to his mom and dad i mean do you think what's the percentage of people that have these names that go that have the family that are like really proud of it and are really like you can't like have the have the talk where it's like i get it the name's fucked in the head yeah but we're a proud family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it. I know you want to be Alan Hedge. Yep.

Or Alan Cock. Or Alan Cock. No, what if it goes the other way? Yeah. They invented the Hedge Mates. It's named after them. Yeah, right. So it's like, I just think being Alan Cock, then I can be A Cock.

That's so funny. Well, maybe they were. And they're like, no son of mine is going to get the Hedge lineage taken out of their name. Well, maybe it's the rest. Maybe it's like their name was Alan Cock and it's like, well, I don't want to just completely just get rid of it. But let's put something else in it. Hedgecock. Well, I think that's just confusing now.

But anyway, I don't know why you would put that in there. Maybe that's going to distract from the cock bit. Yeah. I mean, it is quite distracting. Yeah. Hedge. I'm like, fuck, there's a lot going on. I'm thinking about the time I spewed in a hedge maze.

Did you really do that? Yeah. Did you really? Yeah. Why? I was hungover. I was really hungover. You were hungover and you did a hedge maze?

Yeah. It was like New Year's Day. I'd been staying at... This is when I was at high school me and a friend had like gone to portsy stayed at a friend's house he was having a party his mom picked us up and we were driving back to i think their house i can't remember where they were they were red hill somewhere and um his mom was like let's stop off at the hedge maze and we were like those you know those hangovers that you have when you're like 16.

Where you're like just starting to drink and you're going so hard and you're not really equipped to deal with a hangover at all and just being dragged around this hedge maze by my friend's mum. Jesus. Wow. Letting rip. Just Hansel and Gretel style. Yeah.

Just finding your way back. And like having to go like into the main bit and be like, I'm really sorry, but I vomited in there. And they're like, which bit? I couldn't tell you. That's the whole point, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was lost at the time.

This happened three hours ago. Well, Alan Hitchcock is not in our Facebook group, Little Dumb Dumb Club, Millionaire Club. So I'm trying to hunt him down. What I'm learning is that there are six predominant Alan Hitchcocks on Facebook. None of them from Australia. Oh, interesting. Split down the middle.

They're either from America or England. Okay. Not an Australian name. There's not one Alan Hitchcock in Australia. How's that? Well, yeah. I mean, this could be an international listener. That's what I'm saying.

It is. It is, right. Yeah, he's one of those people who's like, this Hughsy guy that you're always talking about. Yeah. Sounds crazy. Yeah, he's one of those people who's like, this Hughsey guy that you're always talking about. Yeah. Sounds crazy. Yeah. I'll tell you the names of the cities.

Hopefully you're from one of these places. Illinois, High Wycombe, which I've been to, Salford in England, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Cambridge or North Carolina? I hope it's the Oklahoma one. Do you? That would be cool.

Okay. I hope it's the High Wycombe. Okay. Because I've been there before. Okay. Maybe that's why he, maybe he met, like he served you or met you or something. 20 years ago. Yeah.

I met him there with two of my friends. We went to watch the Wycombe Wanderers at the time. And we walked around. It was a nice town. It was in comparison to the town we were staying in, which was fucking quite small and a bit shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Weren't you staying in like Slough or something? No. It was a tiny town outside of Slough. We wish we were in Slough. Yeah. Okay. Right. Yeah.

It was actually, that was like the golden triangle. I just see it in my head that you were living in the office territory. No. More or less. No, we were right near there. Right. Right near there. We were Maidenhead, just outside of Maidenhead, just outside of High Wycombe, just outside of Slough, in a tiny little town called Woobin Green.

Oh, God. Yeah, very small. Parts of Britain are so depressing. Yeah. It was very tiny. And yeah. Fuck. I don't know.

We would have talked about it before. It was just... I lived with three... Two of my friends in a one-bedroom flat. God. And we just... The other two of us... The guy that organized it all got the bed.

And the rest of us slept on the floor in the lounge room fuck and we were doing night shifts and stuff as well so we're just sleeping on the floor during the day yeah not great good to be out of home though yeah good to travel that was fun it was something i mean we were making so little money we were actually working a bad job and then still losing money. But anyway. Great. So if that was you, Alan Hedgecock, that you just caught a side of me at the game 20 years ago and thought, I'm going to follow this guy's career until he has one. Yeah.

I'm going to write this name down and Google it every six months to see what's going on. Yeah. And I finally produced something worth following. Yep. And you thought, I better support this. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for doing that. And I'm benefiting too. So thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Hedgy. I finally produced something worth following Yep And you thought I better support this Yeah Thanks Thanks for doing that

And I'm benefiting too So thanks Yeah yeah yeah I mean I do remember us being sort of smart asses at the game And being you know Okay Funny about things

Right So maybe the money that he's put in Has got anthrax in it He's trying to take you out Why? He's remembered Well because you were being a smart ass at the game Oh right

And he overheard it And he's like this guy's got no respect. Oh. I'm going to wait until there's a way of me taking him down. Oh, and so now he's sending... Oh, so... Okay. He's sending Patreon money.

He's putting anthrax in the envelope as well. Oh, when he sends money to Patreon, he does it in the post. Yeah. Right. Locked bag, crow's nest. Yes. Yeah. Right, and he thinks that then they send that money physically to us.

Yeah. Okay, well, we're happy to get it, but it doesn't look... Spoilers, it doesn't work like that, guys. If any of you... I don't know how many... What the percentage are of people that subscribe to our Patreon that think they're trying to kill us. Spy versus spy style.

Yeah. Putting bombs inside a 20. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I don't know how many people are going to drop off this week. Yeah. But you cannot harm us by signing up to our Patreon. No, but you're welcome to try.

Unless they're sending us money thinking they're going to create an addiction. We're going to get this money and go, wow, we've got so much now. What do we do with this? We'd better get into heroin. Yeah, we've got all this extra time. You know, it's like sports players. Just so much money, all this extra time in the week. May as well just drink and do drugs.

Right. Got nothing else going on. It's a long-term thing. Okay. Well, thank you to anyone who's doing that. Keep it up. Yeah. More people should do that, I reckon.

Good luck. Keep trying. More people should want to kill us if that's the way they're going to go about it. The more chance of our death, the better thanks alan thanks alan uh thank you very much to patreon subscriber ashlyn and let's i'm i'm having a guess here uh i'm only going by your email address and all that sort of stuff ashlyn guth guth g-u-t-h guth so i'm only going on on the what information you've given me, Ashlyn. That's what I believe your last name to be.

Okay. Unless it's Guth. Guth, yeah. Okay. Because in an email address, you can't put the little, what are they called, the umlauts over the U, can you? That would make it Guth. Yeah. You can't do any of that stuff in an email address.

You can't have the... That seems crazy. Because some people, that's how their names are spelled. Yes. With the like, you know, an O with a crazy little circumflex or whatever on it. Yeah. That seems weird that you can't do that. I'm glad you can't. Why?

That would be way harder to fucking get people an email. That's just another excuse to fuck something up and not get the message to them yeah but i mean it's crazy that people haven't campaigned and gone this is yeah this is exclusive you know i bet they have this is not inclusive i bet they have us swedes deserve to have yes accurate email addresses as well look that's a full country of people that are probably upset yeah probably every person in that country has a slightly inaccurate email address. Yes. Yes.

That would be interesting. And I feel like that's where this surname's from. I think that's good. Yeah. Yeah. It feels like a Scandinavian, a whatever. Is that Eastern Europe? No.

a um whatever is that a eastern europe no east east feels like east feels like um but it's not russia and stuff like that is it bulgaria when you say eastern europe i feel like it's like those yeah those countries so little about that part of the world yeah i'm absolutely out of my depth here so uh look thank you guth i like ashlyn I like Ashlyn. I like Ashlyn. I like Guth. You know, let us know where you're from. This could be our education about, you know, where you're from in the world. Saying I like Guth, it does feel like a sexual innuendo. I love a bit of Guth. I love Guth. I need to get Guth.

I love it Guth style. Yeah, yeah. I want to get. Going up the Guth. Yeah, yeah. I want to. I'm searching for Guth tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little Guth... Going up the guth. Yeah, yeah. I want to... I'm searching for guth tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little guth diving. Yes, there we go. There we go. Guth diving. Maybe, I mean, that is funny to think of someone from like, yeah, Scandinavia or whatever, subscribing, and their name is basically like big penis in their native tongue. Yes. And then it's us being like, oh, guth.

Sounds nice. Yeah. Big penis in your native tongue. Oh, that sounds funny. Yeah. Oh, oh, Guth. Sounds nice. Big penis in your native tongue. Oh, that sounds funny. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Guth's a weird sounding word. Yeah.

And meanwhile, they're listening thinking like, God, I've gotten away with murder here. Yes. The boys have no idea that my name means rancid pussy in Scandinavia. I'm looking it up now.

What does Guth mean? Yes. Yes. The most famous Guth is a Henink guth from Holland so that's something okay

maybe that well that's where it's from okay Holland yeah now that you say now that I say that out loud that does sound Dutch

Hollandese yeah it does sound Dutch Hollandese yep so that's you we've decided that thanks gutho

thanks for passing on the money that you've made from your artist uncle grandad something

Hank Guth Hank let's say that that's what's happened yep thanks Ashlyn thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Merrin McCumber

hmm ever met a Merrin? no don't think don't believe I have Merrin Subscriber, Meryn McCumber. Hmm. Ever met a Meryn? No. Don't believe I have. Meryn. M-E-R-I-N? M-E-R-R-I-N. Ooh.

I like it. Yeah. Not great that I've just Googled Meryn and the first thing that's come up is, oh, that's a female name in the world of Star Wars. Oh, a female name? Well, it's... A character. A female was a... Merrin was a female blah, blah, blah, who lived on the home world of blah, blah, blah,

before and during the Clone Wars. Oh, okay. She was I don't care, whatever. So that's the... Although, look, you know know the people do ask suggestion, which is very handy with a lot of things. When you Google something, it comes up. People actually, what you're probably asking is this.

First question that comes up is, who is Meryn in love with? Well, the answer is Tommy and Carl from Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So much so that she gives them money, which is what you do when you love someone. You can edit that, can't you? Can you?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know how it tracks all that stuff down. Yeah, if we search for Meron is in love with the little dum-dum club enough, does that start coming up? Yeah, maybe, hopefully. Maybe we'd have to create a few webpages that say that. I'm just looking for...

I got a suggested search on one of our guests that we had on a live episode, and I didn't get around to bringing it up, but I'm just seeing if I can get it to appear for me again because it really tickled me. Where is this fucking... Where is this guy? I've Googled it once.

Maren is in love with a little dum-dum club, so hopefully that helps the algorithm to some degree. Yeah, yeah, just keep busting it out. So hopefully that helps the algorithm to some degree. Yeah, yeah. Just keep busting it out. Yeah. I'll keep hitting return. Yeah. Merrin.

What was the surname? Merrin McCumber. McCumber. M-C-B-C-U-M-B-E-R. We haven't even mentioned she has the word come in her name yet. Yeah, that's true. We're getting around to it. What did...

But so do you like the name Maren in spite of the fact that it's linked to Star Wars? I would not say a big yes. Okay. Sorry. I do love Macumba. And like we said,

later on in Talking Dumb Numb, we'll get around to that. But at the moment... At the moment. We're still with Tommy searching back through the archives of his content. Yeah, we're...

I can't find this fucking thing. Look, it was more or less, it was me just looking up Guy Montgomery and one of the suggested things was Guy Montgomery disability. Right. It was something like that. Great. It really tickled me. Okay.

Why? I don't know. Alright, okay. Yeah, okay. I get it. I didn't get to ask. Yeah, right. You know how it'll just have it'll just say

it'll have like Guy Montgomery like net worth you know all the things that these are the things that people are normally searching for right like with us

like with the two of us it'll be people often searching you know wife or girlfriend right Carl Chandler wife yes people putting that into Google yeah

thinking that they're gonna thinking that it's gonna thinking that it's gonna be that easy to work out the name of don't say her name yeah whereas it's

it's I don't even let her tell her friends and family what her name is yeah she you've never you don't let her

use the internet no so there's no chance of her accidentally posting her name doesn't have a driver's license yep

she um she may as well not exist if she like So there's no chance of her accidentally posting her name somewhere. Doesn't have a driver's license. Yep. She may as well not exist. If she murdered you. Oh, this is good. What do you got? I just looked it up. I just looked up Carl Chandler. And it says, Carl Chandler podcast, Carl Chandler phone number,

Carl Chandler Mr. Beast. And then down the bottom, it's got got so this is obviously someone else because then it says Carl Chandler Chris Mr. Beast Carl Chandler and Chris Carl Chandler dating Carl Chandler duck sandwich

oh how the mighty have fallen yeah down the bottom damn disappointing what's the Mr. Beast link let's find out

how Mr. Beast met Carl Jacobs comma Chandler and Chris Okay It's just a few words jammed in there Yeah, okay So it's two separate guys called Carl and Chandler

Who knock around with MrBeast Who are Carl and Chandler from MrBeast's team? It's an eSports thing Yeah, okay Okay, I don't know what the fuck that is MrBeast is a YouTube guy who does all these weird... Like when Squid Games came out, he was like, this is what I think this is going to be. Doesn't that look weird?

Look at that picture with the caption, with the headline, Who are Carl and Chandler from MrBeast's team? Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, they do kind of look like you split into separate people. Yeah, I guess, maybe. I think there's... Maybe there's a combo of me I don't know. Yeah, I guess maybe. I think there's, maybe there's a combo of me and you in there. Yeah, okay.

And they're holding dogs. Okay. I don't understand what's going on there, but yeah. It's a strange world. Yes. That is funny. I do find that very funny that there is the possibility of a double act called Carl and Chandler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good if they got big enough that they get brought out for, like, the comedy festival and you're doing a solo show. It's like, this is a nightmare. And people are, like, looking in the guide going, should we see? Oh, they've combined these two people into one person. Maybe that'll save time.

That must be the better show. And then they come along and I'm just, like, not playing NBA Jam on PlayStation. This sucks. Yeah. Well, thanks, Maren McCumber. Thanks, Camo. Thanks.

Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Let's devote a tiny little bit of time to the fact you have the word come in your name. McCumber. Any thoughts about any sort of ancestors and how we could have got that name? Like, obviously, it's from, it's Scottish cum. Well, this must be a discontinued McDonald's burger, surely. I was sure for McCumberger.

Yeah. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah. The McCumber. Yeah. And it's like Similar to how

You know the McGoz It's just got beetroot on it Right Why is the beetroot The national The national thing That makes it Australian Right

So it's just like I don't know Maybe the Cumberger Doesn't have any cum in it at all Right It's like What's this got to do with cum Is it one of those things

Where the customer demands it It's like you know The urban myth of Oh you can ask for like The pounder or whatever but no the urban myth of like someone being you know working at mcdonald's and going oh i'm gonna fuck this person i'm gonna come in this bird oh yeah and then they hand it out and they go this is great what can we whatever happened to this but can i get another one of these yeah and then it just became a real like thing where you ask. It's an off-menu special.

Yeah, that's a good funny fella sketch. It's like the guy does that and then the boss is like, I don't care how you did it. But now there's a line out the door and you have to keep doing it again. And so they're in the back. They're just gone. You can see their ribcage is sweating. They're in a drip.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're just... In a porn a porn room yeah that's good just like a like a like some sort of battery hen farm where there's just people employed to just keep jacking this guy's dick batting off hen yeah yeah yeah yeah that yeah. That's good. That's good. All right. Thanks, combo. Yeah. That ended up being quite good. Okay.

Let's just do one more. Yeah. I love how tired we're getting. I don't want to talk about how tired we are, but we're getting tired. We've got another one of these to do straight after. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, wow. It's a special from McDonald's.

Thank you very much to the McComedy Burger wow. It's a special from McDonald's. Thank you very much to the McComedy Burger. The McComedy Burger. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty good. What do you think's in that? I think funny cum.

Right. Yeah. So like you've jacked off to a clown. Yeah. A sexy clown. Yeah. Clowns have jacked off. This is actually coming from Rowan McDonald's dick. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yummy. All right. Thanks, everyone. That's the funniest cum McDonald's dick. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is... All right. Thanks, everyone. That's the funniest cum you can get. The cum from a clown. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Get tickets to see us in Brisbane. And we will see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.