The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 659 - Luke Heggie & Adam Rozenbachs

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

It's a late night special this week with LUKE HEGGIE and ADAM ROZENBACHS! Heggie comes in hot with a list of Perth bugbears, Tommy's finally got a backstory for his fake surname, we get Chando's Day on a Plate, Rozie's been sleepwalking, PLUS we grill Heggie about his recent appearance at one of the toughest sounding gigs of all time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Adam Rosenbachs and Luke Heggie. Hey, if you enjoy the Little Dumb Dumb Club and you want to support the show and get bonus episodes every week, get onto patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club and you get two little bonus mini episodes delivered to you every week. We'll talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, but until then enjoy this brand new episode with Adam Rosenbachs and Luke Heggy. See you then. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. I'm with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Oh, g'day, dickhead. And joining us this evening Two very special guests Adam Rosenbachs And Luke Heggis

Yes Yes Fuck yes I love it It's nine o'clock at night Now I'm I'm Witness to

A request earlier on Which is Rosie saying Is there gonna be beers there There's gotta be beers there There better be fucking beers And then when he walks in And I get that story

And then when he walks in He sees the beers He goes Are you having a beer I'll have one if you're having one beers there and then when he walks in and I get that story and then when he walks in he sees the beers he goes are you having a beer I'll have one if you're having one I'm good like that and you kept

pushing it back you were like 8.30 I'm like fucking hell and then 9 o'clock I'm like what is this

fucking New Year's Eve 9 o'clock we're going to catch up we're ringing the new Thursday together sweet

great people have pussied since COVID though and this crept into Melbourne too the home of the nah you can Yeah, we're ringing in the new Thursday together. Sweet. Great. People have pussied since COVID, though. And this crept into Melbourne, too. The home of the, no, you can go out any time of night. They're all fucking, I want to be home at fucking 8.30, so I'm going to sit down. Losers.

Thank you. Yeah, welcome. Well, I'm here. Yeah. I mean, all of that, I meant to say thank you for coming. It's good to be here. This might be one of the most under duress guest bookings we've ever had. I mean, all of that I meant to say thank you for coming. It's good to be here. This might be one of the most under duress guest bookings we've ever had. There's been quite a few.

There's been quite a few. That's really saying something. I'll do it. Yeah, all right. All right. Stop texting. I'll do it. I am having the beer underdressed because on Sunday night,

I said to myself, this is a new me for the next couple of weeks. I'm not going to get into this stuff anymore. I had beers on a Sunday. I ate fucking shit all day. I felt fucking terrible. And I've got Thailand in two weeks. I've got to get – I knew you.

Yeah. Well, yeah, sorry. Knew me until two weeks ago. When he says line in the sand, he means on the beach. Yeah, exactly. And it's a line in the sand meaning that's not forever. You know, like every day that washes away. I'm like, no, I'm going to eat better.

I'm not drinking. I'm going to eat really well. I've been off sugar. You need to get the rig in order for the other wife over there. Exactly. She's going to be going, Carl, you've let yourself go. Fun wife. Exactly.

The fun wife who lets him come back to Australia for eight months a year. You're going there again? What's the big deal? I don't get it. Hang on, you're going there for a year this time? You better be back on cheap flights on Jetstar. Yeah, so I thought, you know, yeah, and they recognised me with my old body. So, you know, I felt like I've put on a couple of kilos lately.

So I'm like, all right, that's it. I'm off it. So I've been eating really good. Now, what's your version of really good? Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, yeah, I'm going all right? Or is it just like, do you? Yes. You never just look at it and go, oh, what are you doing?

Well, that's what I did on Sunday. I was like, oh, fuck. I've been used to the COVID version of me. You fucking losers have got mirrors. Yeah. I've been used to the COVID version of me you fucking losers have got mirrors yeah I'll move mine into the kids rooms

I don't have to deal with that shit anymore yeah we've got a house big enough for a mirror not on the roof on the ceiling on the ceiling

yeah there's that one too many stains I haven't got up and cleaned it so I can hardly see through the fucking thing anymore it's supposed to be a skylight

It doesn't work My version There's a ghost in the room Shut up in the mirror My version Yeah you probably don't have a fucking reflection cunt So there's no use in having a mirror No I wouldn't be able to tell you

My version of good is I haven't done Big call for me No coke No soft drink this week Okay No That's just most people's adult life

I know But go on yeah That's why I'm specifically Saying this about me This is the thing too If you That is the kind of The nice thing about

Like if you really Let yourself go To a horrific extent You can just do The most minor things And it feels like The biggest victory Yeah like

You know what? Yeah, that's right. I'm saying things. I've gotten rid of things for the last three days, three and a half days. It's a big deal for me. Yeah. But you probably wouldn't even think to have them.

Your default when you're at like a pub or something is like a pint of Coke. Yes. So immediately. Several pints. Yeah. Several pints. That's our...

Have you had a sugar come down yet? Because I gave up sugar about 10 years ago. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. But what, you're still on sugar now? You're back on sugar now? Well, I mean,

I drink alcohol, obviously, and a lot. That's the only way I get it. But you fuck, I got off the booze for a little while and you're fucking tired.

Yes. Yeah, that's what I find. You get so much sugar at night and you're like, fuck, I'm up. Yeah. And now, after that,

I was rooted for a few weeks. Well, I'm three days in and I'm really up and down because today I've gone from, today I've gone from, He's scratching himself. He's like walking down the street. Oh, man. That's in and I'm really up and down because today I've gone from... Today I've gone from... He's scratching himself. He's like walking down the street. Oh, man.

That's it. I haven't had any chocolate or anything so I'm eating chocolate every day and then I'm eating fast food and stuff. Yeah, I'm a fucking demon for it. Yeah, okay. So heaps of Coke, heaps of lollies and chocolate and stuff

and the fast food. You're never going to be proper fat, though. The only way to get really fat is to get molested when you're young. Yeah. You're trying our gear on us. I swear to God, if I see that on an ad for a fucking special of 10 play or something

in six months, I'll be livid. Save it for the weekly, mate. We'll be front row of the gala going, fuck, you tried that on us first. I didn't think, well, now I'm beginning to think it might be gear worthy. Oh, it's gear worthy. Clearly not.

Absolutely not. So I've been off that for three days and I'm like, today I hit the peak where I'm like really up and down. I veered between me. I got to the point where I was like looking at people drinking Coke and eating lollies and going, how do these people do this? How do they live?

You're a couple of days in. Yeah, three days in. I thought I was kicked. I thought I kicked it. I'm like, how do these people do this? And then literally three hours later, I walked home, and I found myself genuinely face-pressed up against the KFC, just looking to see if they had the mashies on the menu,

the new item where it's like a mashed potato ball that's like fried up. Fucking hell. I'm like nose pressed on the window. No, I know, but it was like, is it closest to like junk food? I was like, oh, what if I just, I was like reasoning with myself. What if I go in there and get it? It's not really, it probably doesn't have that much sugar in it. It's just potato.

It's a vegetable. It's healthy. See, I can't have that much sugar in it it's just potato it's a vegetable it's healthy see I can't have salt salty stuff in the house like if I have a pack of chips there I will like have a little bowl

and then put it in the wrap it up put it in the pantry and then three minutes later I'm back I've filled it up with water before to just go

you're a fucking you're not having any more absolutely the chips get soggy yeah yeah so then you're just drinking it like

it's salt water and then you're putting it it like it's salt water. Yeah. And then you're putting it in the microwave to dry it back out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, I'm sorry, chips. It's like Breaking Bad. Yeah. The tray.

I've done this before. Like, I've talked about this on the pod before, where I go and buy like a four-pack or a six-pack of ice creams and then just start eating them all and then literally having to put them in the bin to stop myself. And putting them, like, putting in the bin, putting rubbish over the top of them or putting them in a public bin so I don't eat them anymore. Yeah, the thing where it's like if the thing is in the house for long enough and I'm just being tormented by it every night, I reach a point where I'm like, I just have to eat it all tonight

and then this ends. I'll feel sick, but at least it's gone and the temptation is over and I can get back on with my life. I'll eat this whole Easter egg in one, this massive fucking thing in one sitting. Do your kids have it? Do you have sugar in the house? A little bit. I mean, they get, they work,

so they get money and they spend it on that shit. Yeah. But we don't really, we try not to. I eat a bit of shit. I don't give a fuck. They're out doing full-time jobs, are they, Heggy? Because that's like, when you said that, I'm like, yeah, I reckon you're the sort of person

to get your kids out there working for 12. Yeah, I'll wait until they're fucking allowed to. They can start earning this guy some money. How old are they now? 15, 12. Okay. All right. Little Black doesn't work as much,

but he's a bit weak. I've got them in the factory a few days a week, but they've got to go to school and shit. It's a law. That's more gear. I found myself fucking looking up the sugar content of soft drinks. Do you know that Solo has more than Coke? Do you know that?

Really? But it's light on the fees. Solo sucks. Yeah, but that's how bad I eat. I've been in pubs before. I'm going, you know what? I won't be unhealthy. I won't get a Coke.

I'll get a Solo because it's lemon. It's fruit juice it's a smoothie keep it away scurvy but people you know some people fucking show you how much

like physically will show you like 34 cubes of sugar or whatever yeah bullshit doesn't fit in there you're a fucking liar yeah

you're a bunch of fucking liars I was looking it up you can't change the size fuck off yeah yeah yeah physics

just doesn't can't happen not having a kilo off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physics just doesn't say it can't happen. Not having a kilo of sugar in a drink that's about 300 mil. Yeah. You're fucking lying to me. Yeah.

I don't like being lied to. That's what I was saying to myself today as I was trying to fucking argue that having a Coke is funny. This man's got

type 3 diabetes. He knows how much sugar shit's got in it. So, so far we're just hearing about you heroically pressing your face up against the KFC. Just to sniff in some meaty air. I know, honestly, if I had been able to see it on the menu, I would have got it.

That was the bargain I made with myself. If I can see it on the menu, I'm allowed to go and treat myself. Because I'm three days in, I've done so well. If it wasn't on the menu. Was've done so well it wasn't on the menu was it not there it wasn't on the menu there's only select stores I think

well I think it's a temporary item so maybe they just didn't have it on them did they not have Nash potato what's that like narrowing no

okay no real good deep cut deep cut hello to any first time listeners yeah I thought you were going to say it was at one of those,

because you know the menus at all those places now, they're like a screen. And so like at Macca's, they're just kind of like cycling through. It was your thing like if I'm here for 10 seconds and if I don't see the mashies come up, then I don't get there. There is some stuff that's off menu. I recall a particular fucking Melbourne Comedy Festival where Cody and I were probably 3 a.m. every night,

ended up at KFC and he knew what to order that wasn't on the menu it was like a fucking really what how do you know this it was like a

you knew the mate of day I knew what it was it was a hot and spicy fillet box and there was just it was fucking awesome it wasn't on the menu but he knew what to order

and they knew what it was I kind of think with KFC it's like there's not you can't go too far with KFC it's like all going to be some variant of fried chicken. Of course it is.

But these are two fillets. They're not pulling out any bread, out any mash, no fucking gravy, none bullshit. But it was still a meal, but it was just fillets in a box. Yeah. Very good. That fucks me. Like when you go to a shop and you go, can I just swap this and this? And they just go, no.

And it's like, no, the answer's yes. You can do whatever you fucking want. Yeah. I'm giving you money. Just swap two things go, no. And it's like, no, the answer's yes. You can do whatever you fucking want. Yeah. I'm giving you money. Just swap two things around. I was in Perth recently. I had some drink vouchers at a gig I was doing. $15 drink tokens.

I thought, sick. Is that what it said on the token? It said $15 drink token. It said, I'll have a fucking margarita. They said, it's $16. I said, okay, here's two. There's $30 worth. That's not how they work.

I think you find it is. Here's one. Here's one and a dollar. dollar No they don't work like that You can't get that What can I get? Okay get me A beer or a wine Okay

I'll have $15 worth of beer Fuckhead Why don't you get a margarita Without the salt around the edge That's gotta be worth Fucking a dollar Just don't quite fill it up Yeah yeah yeah

Just like a mixed lolly account Old school I'll have $15 worth of margarita I'll have minimum margarita Bring it out Wrapped up in the big Butcher's paper Yummy yummy

What about maximum chips Find an extra jalapeno In there for free Yeah They didn't even give me this Yeah it was grim It sounds grim Yeah

It was fucking I nearly threw a tantrum Yeah it's so dumb It's like Yeah it's all there Well also You can't tell me They're not putting vouchers In a tantrum Yeah it's so dumb It's like yeah It's all there Well also You can't tell me They're not putting vouchers

In the till As if it's cash They're not They can give me Fucking change if they want The manager's not Going to know later on They're just magically

Making up that figure They're going This gig is worth 10 drink tokens And that's that There's no economy Backing it or anything It's just a magical thing

That someone fucking made up And then there's some cunt That's too dumb To figure that out who's managing you. That said, any gig where you get a drink token and you go up to the bar and you're like, one margarita, please. That is a wild move. It said $15 on the fucking token. It actually had $15 per one.

I got paid for the gig as well. I'm not getting paid in fucking margaritas. No, I know. But if it had just said one free drink, would you? I wouldn't think to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got paid for the gig as well. I'm not getting paid in fucking margaritas. No, I know. But if it had just said one free drink, would you? Oh, yeah, I wouldn't think to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go, give me a can of beer or something. Whatever.

That's like there's... I mean, look, to explain this to people that aren't in the world of comedy, and it is a weird idea, that when you do your job, you're also getting free drinks. There's not a lot of jobs like that where you get paid. Not a lot of jobs where you get paid. Fuck all all though. Yes.

So the free drink is somewhat of a token of appreciation for you working for fuck all. Yes, absolutely. But there's a bunch of stories about that where people have got, like comedians have gotten taxi, what are they called? Taxi vouchers, taxi, what are they called? Oh, I know a good one.

Yeah. Have I told you this? Yeah. You don't have to name the person, but... I'll name him. One of the best sitcoms of all time, Stand on Your Feet. No, Die on Your Feet, speak your pardon, Die on Your Feet. Must be good, you don't even know the name.

I know the name, I've seen it. It's on YouTube. He's going skip intro on the streaming service that he watches it on. Who was the auteur behind that? Gregory Allen Fleet. He also happened to be the perp in this very story. Great. He got some taxi vouchers.

I'm tipping that this story is better than any of the episodes of Die on Your Feet. I love Die on Your Feet. Well, this story might be in season two. I've made so many people watch it. The well. Maybe we'll be playing one of the cab drivers. As promised 12 years ago. He promised us we'll be in season 2.

The production, the producers said, Fleety rang up for a solid month, maybe up to a year later, said look I've still got a cab voucher from the production, can I use it to go to a gig? He said yeah. And then a bill turned up a couple of months later I think it was 800 bucks. He went to the

snow. In a taxi Hang on is that a euphemism? That's fucking brilliant Yeah I bet he did Is it Hotham? Where's the snow here?

Yeah He went to Hotham or somewhere Literally went interstate for it Fuck me Is that interstate? Is that interstate? It's Victoria That's actually pretty cheap

800 bucks? Yeah For a cab Four hours Yeah Well it'd be 400 And then the cab doesn't wait there. But Flea's the sort of person

that is like, would be generous with someone else's money though. He'd be like, he's a tip. He's a $200 tip. But the first time you ever came across like a cab charge

when you were at work, you were like, are you fucking serious? Like I can just go wherever I want? Yeah, yeah. I think that go wherever I want? Yeah yeah I think that's Fucking Jarrod Hayne Like as soon as you

You just You just wait there mate I'm going inside to do something I'll be straight back out Running errands I'm not like actual Jarrod Hayne Watch the grand final I'll say you know what

I'm going to the shops Just wait there I'm doing the shopping Then you can drop me home Wait there I'm going out I'm having a nap Get a limo driver

Yeah pretty much That's classic comedian brain though. That's like, oh, I used to cab out to that sort of, like that can be used for infinity because there's a bunch of

stories like that where people have got the charge and then gone, oh, I can use this for anything and then just driven to Queensland.

It's the exact same mentality. Here's your drink token. Thanks for doing the gig. I'll have a margarita.

Thanks. Equals, can this car drive me around all day? No, it's not. I'll have a margarita, thanks. Well, fucking point at me, mate. Equals, can this cunt drive me around all day? No, it's not. I'll back you on that one. It's not cool. Thank you very much. I didn't invent the fucking margarita free drink.

It said 15. What in the fucking world do you live in that a margarita is two $15 tokens can't pay for a margarita? That's crazy. Fuck off. Do you reckon they deliberately made it $15 and then deliberately made the margarita $16? The bar people just didn't like the likes of me, really.

That's fair. They take it as a front. It's not even their business. They take it as a front that I'm getting a free drink which I'm not because I'm fucking working for a hundred bucks or something.

And, you know, I don't know. I don't like it. Yeah, but that's in Perth though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but to people in Perth, like you're a refined fucking Oxford scholar fucking comedian.

Well, yeah, you joke about that, but yes, I am. In fact, at my show the other night, this dude came out. He's in Perth? Yeah. I just saw merch around the corner on the street like a fucking urchin because I was going to do it in the foyer. Like a shoeshiner? Yeah, I was going to do it in the foyer. Like a shoe shiner. Yeah, I was going to do it in the foyer and they said,

no, Danny Boy's on in 15 minutes. This is a big theatre. Why have you got to show 15 minutes after mine? Can you at least bring my margarita out to me in the street? I stole some beers and went out and I'm standing there selling merch. This guy comes up with a black T-shirt on. Are we doing a three-card Monty at the same time? A bit more cash.

Oh yeah, were you hiding merch under the cup? Yeah, which one's got the USB? You were selling merch. It was bootleg Danny Boy merch

out of the suitcase. And this guy came up with a black shirt and it must have been 72 point font. Huge fucking font. And it just said cunt on his shirt.

Right. In white. Like couldn't be, you know. And it didn't, no joke, nothing just said cunt on his shirt right in white but it couldn't be you know and it didn't no joke nothing just cunt across the shirt and he got photo with me his girlfriend was quite meek and nice hang on hang on was there an arrow underneath it because this is starting to make sense is there a fucking arrow i thought it might be an arrow to me or something yeah just that's it just i am and that's it. Nothing. Just owning it.

Just the word. And he said, do you like my shirt? Yeah, of course. I'm glad I'm in a photo with it. Yeah, it's brilliant. I'm not going to argue about it. I'm not going to argue with a man walking around with the word cunt. He tried to get a bigger font, but it was C-U-M with a T on the back. It a insane thing to have. Yeah. It's like, fucking hell. It's the same thing to have on your shirt.

That's crazy. Where do you purchase that? Or is that printed? I don't know. I'm in Perth, probably. Yeah, true. It's a souvenir shop. It's at the airport.

Next to the Ugg boots. When you come back in from being a FIFO, you're picking up your jet ski, you're going to need one of these. At Officeworks in Perth, that's probably the template. You've got to change it for it to not take on the shirt. You know, like those photo frames that you buy with the Happy Fair. You wanted to say mum. Sorry.

My brother, when he was living at the Goldie, his neighbour gave him a shirt for Christmas and then hassled him for not wearing it all the time. But it was, you know, Bundaberg rum. It was that logo, but it said, Bang Your Bird and my brother's gone he's gone off thanks man it's you know and all the time he's like how come you're not wearing the shirt man it's brilliant it's the most funny he goes i'm a fucking school teacher man i'm not wearing the shirt what are you fucking talking about that's not based on the kids would love that oh my god that's not based

on the neighbor being like this this guy will love this. That's like he's seen that shirt and been like, there isn't a person on earth that wouldn't love this. He's probably just got a box of like a hundred of them. But classic move. Oh, he'll love this. Are you going to wear it yourself, mate? No.

Absolutely not. He would have had himself one. Yeah, it was totally... Absolutely. Who doesn't think this is fun? I love the... Bang your bird bucket hat. It's endless. I love the detail your bird num bucket hat it's just it's endless

I love the detail of the guy in the cunt shirt with the meek girlfriend just imagining before they head out her like

please don't wear the shirt please like I know it's a comedy I'll let you do it at the wedding but not tonight not in front of Heggie I'll let you bang me num

when you get home if he does please leave the shirt here. Actually, what is rougher, Queensland or WA? What's the roughest thing? I think WA. I've got vast experience in the pair of them, and I think WA. Yeah, right. That's on the capital city situation.

I was going to say, are you talking southeast or northern Queensland? Southeast Queensland. North Queensland is probably going to pip them. But we're talking capital cities. Brisbane versus Perth. Brisbane is too close to civilisation, isn't it? Perth is because it's the Wild West. They make their own rules.

They think they're their own country. It's fucking mad. Look, the gigs are sick. You can say what you want. It's fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's really good Because the head of the Cominceros is there laughing with you

Oh yeah You get booed out if you don't walk out and say G'day spastics So What are we doing there Tommy with the edit? Are we leaving that in? I think it's in context Okay alright

Oh I'm not doing it. Grow up. But, you know, I did get booed. I assume that was what it was over. So we've mentioned that we're doing this in the evening. We didn't really get into why. You're in town. You had a gig tonight.

You've come straight from this gig. You're in Melbourne specifically for one gig. Quite the opposite. In Perth, you can't buy a groan at the... Fuck. At... What was the... It was... You were at a...

Now, look, this has been... Oh, you've got it? This has come up as a sponsored show on my Facebook feed for quite a while. Yeah. It's been in my phone notes. Just cannot wait to talk to you about it. Yeah. It is a...

Can't wait to talk about it. How do we start talking about it? Intro. It is a gig that is to launch a podcast that is all about incest. And when you have that... But we're not pro. It's not pro. Just to get that straight.

It's not advertising. No. Sorry. It's anti. Right. Let's get that. Let's get that up earlier. Yeah.

Yeah. Just to stop any listeners from downloading it straight away, it's getting the wrong idea. It is anti it. Oh, goodness. And when you are trying to dissuade anyone from bumming their dad, you get the great man, Luke Hagee, in to do a comedy spot at the launch, surely.

Well, the thing, like the podcast was, and this is, I mean, obviously it's awful and it's quite fucking common, say, you know. But a lot of people who are survivors got their favorite actor, celebrity and sometimes low-level comedian to fucking narrate their story. Oh, that's what the podcast is about. Right. Yeah, so it's these people going, look, this is what happened to me. Right. Raise awareness about this.

It's fucking awful yep and here's my you know like i'm saying this thing or like proper celebrities are doing it as well yes and that's why the host was adam hillsey hills right him i've never met he was lovely yep with him tonight and i offered him five bucks to say clearly he doesn't need the five bucks he refused to say Look You know It's fucking tough Like it's EMC'd Yes It's not easy

I'm very aware That at a gig about incest Doing stand up comedy Is tough That's why I want to ask you about it Because it sounds Fucking insane Stand up can be tough

When these conditions aren't there Yes Well yeah I know I've bombed at a gig Where I'm like Everyone else is killing Everyone's happy And I've done I've bombed at a gig where I'm like, everyone else is killing, everyone's happy, and I've done badly. You are at a grim gig where everyone is there thinking,

oh, yeah, my uncle fucked me. Anyway, I wonder what this bloke's got to say about fucking people on bikes. Yeah. Rosie's not into this. I said to Hills, because I don't train him. He's likeable and I'm not. So, look, I'm not going to be able to sell this joke and it's a beauty. Can you say, I'll give you five bucks if you go up and say,

look, when I got asked to do this, whatever, I thought, well, I can't really make this funnier than it already is. Oh, God. But he didn't take the five. Unless he's done it in the second half, which is on right now. Look, if anyone's at the gig, if you can let us know, because someone knows Luke Heggy five bucks, if so. Yeah.

No, I didn't bet him. I just offered him a fiver. That's nearly a third of a margarita as well. So, yeah, you need that. Nowhere near it, by my recent experience. Now, look, I need to know how this goes because, to me, if anyone thinks this is a bit rough laughing about this, it's just the weird contrast of material because it's incest

and then it's trying to be funny. Yeah. That seems like a fucking really weird gear shift. It's difficult, but, I mean, yeah. The organiser fan of mine, and she's lovely and just wants to, you know, and people did laugh once I got moving. First couple of minutes were rough, I've got to say.

So I was doing a bit of fuck. Because just before me they'd had an interview, like a three-person panel talking about it. And then they had some videos before that. But like what videos? No, not the sort you'd watch. Just survivors going, you know, this podcast is about, you know, me getting my story told and it's grim.

And it is awful. And then fucking very, you know, Hills was really nice. He got up and did a couple of minutes before me and brought me on. And fuck, I did a bit of, bit of support acts weren't very funny were they that sort of business yeah you know well like it's obviously not gonna be a great gig but fuck i did my bit i got the fuck out of there pretty quickly that is um it could be worse you could be three days off sugar yeah yeah the real hero it's such a weird thing to force comedy and it's like although in the video section they had a montage right and they didn't make it clear enough rosie's put the mic down again by the way but yeah they didn't

quite for my mind they didn't make it clear enough that the people in the still shots whose voices were voicing the narrations of the grim shit yeah that it wasn't happening to them so it's like david field the actor he's sitting there like this in a fucking headshot from 20 years ago going and the night that my this and that happened, and yeah, it's not him. This is the person he's talking, like they're talking through him. Dramatisation. And then it got to me. I nearly went around going, no, it's fine.

Someone else. Oh, my God. Oh, heavens above. The most bizarre. Oh, Rosie's back in the room. What have you guys been talking about? What have you guys been doing? We can have the whole conversation again.

We'll change. If you've got something to talk about, we can talk about something else. Can we go back just quickly? Yes. Because this is what I do want an answer to. Right. You've cut out, we've heard about what you've cut out of the diet. Yes.

Now what are you actually, because this is what fascinates me. Okay. Do you want to know Chando's day on a plate? Because you talk about when you go healthy and all you describe is things that you're not having. And I never have any idea. What does Chando have for brekkie? What your baseline.

Don't do brekkie. I didn't think so. Yeah. Not for a couple of years. Why not? Well, because I got onto intermittent fasting. So that was the easy easy I didn't know that that was the easy choice to make

because breakfast is the worst meal of the day by far it sucks well also you don't really need to eat till midday do you unless you're working yeah

like physically working in the morning yeah fine yeah oh well even if you are working in the morning oh

you're right eh oh like on the tools like swinging a hammer from 7am you're not fucking waiting till midday to eat. You're fucking hungry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, I go to the gym, but it's not quite the same. No. Yeah. No, what have I been having? Today I had an apple. Okay. That's a midday.

That's like 11 o'clock. 11 a.m. apple. 11 a.m. green. Granny Smith. Is that a good one? Full green is Granny Smithm. green. Granny Smith. Is that a... What's... Full grains Granny Smith. Yeah.

Is that better? Is that good? What's that? It's just the bitter... From Roselle in Sydney originally. The Granny Smith, yeah. Oh, okay. That's what I invented.

No, I'm a big fan. I don't eat the red ones. I eat the green ones. Yeah, I like them. That, then a chicken and lettuce sandwich. Okay. Oh, with cheese. No mayo. Homemade? No. That Then a A chicken and lettuce sandwich Okay With cheese No mayo

Homemade No At a food court thing Okay And then a couple of crackers Imagine going out for a sandwich Mate have you not been to Melbourne in the last fucking ten years Yeah yeah

I wouldn't think to buy a sandwich on a mount They're at home It's like going out and ordering Weet-Bix or something I'm sure someone's I'm sure there there'll be heaps of cafes out there

where it's like that's their that's their novelty you can get Weet-Bix on the menu pay $25 for it fucking grow up what are they called

deconstructed Weet-Bix you gotta fucking put it in a block yourself it just comes out as wheat and a cow you're grinding you just get wheat in a cow it's It just comes out as wheat. And a cow. You're grinding it with a pestle and mortar. It's up to you.

Fucking do the work yourself. So that's it. So apple, chicken sandwich, couple of crackers. What sort of crackers? Not those bullshit rice crackers. Yeah. Oh, they're fucked. The round rice crackers?

Yeah. They're nice. Yeah, they're nice. They're all right. I don't want to look them up because I'm thinking they're healthy. Just that, plain? Yeah, just plain. Oh,'re all right. And I don't want to look them up because I'm thinking they're healthy. Just that, plain? Yeah, just plain. Oh, fuck off.

On its own. With the barbecue-flavored ones. Oh, okay. Yeah. The Succatars. Yeah, exactly. Oh, Succatars. You're thinking the big fat rice cakes.

I'm thinking the big ones. Not that, too. No, not rice cakes. Not rice cakes. Sorry. Cock heads. Rice cakes are delicious. You've got to put something on them.

No, no, not them. Oh, yeah, Succatars. Just knock off a packet. Yeah, yeah. Rice cakes are delicious. You've got to put something on them. No, no, not there. Oh, yeah, suck it, Taz. Just knock off a packet. Yeah. What do you do if you don't quite knock off the whole... What do you do with it? Do you seal it up, put it in the cupboard, or...? I've got to chuck it away.

Fill it with water. Yeah. I'm a big one. I just eat till the end of it, so I'm... Well, you know what? I have to pass it on. Freezer. Put them in the freezer.

You don't even have to bother fucking covering it. Really? Yep. Straight in the freezer. Same with chips. Half bother really fucking covering it really yep straight in the freezer same with chips half a packet of fucking chips freezer you mean like as in

leave it open who gives a fuck not hot chips but no not hot chips like crisps I didn't know that yeah okay

freezer done yeah next to your jeans you know you know how fuckwits put jeans in there yeah yeah yeah you're not supposed to wash them

you're supposed to put them in the freezer fuck off yeah I've never gotten by on that. It's disgusting. Yeah, let me get them out next time I want potato jeans. Sorry, fellas. I've got to put them in jeans. That's the thing that you learn when you're like 22

that you feel like a genius for passing on. Yeah, you don't wash them. And if they start to stink, you know what you do? Fuck off. You just put them in the freezer. How does that work? I doubt it does. How does the freezer get rid of the stink?

I tried. Put them in. Week later, skid marks are still there. Migrated onto some of your food that's in there as well. Some of your meats. Because I know you're not meant to wash denim that much if you want to preserve it. So you're better to just spot clean.

So that part is true. How long do you need? My jeans last about six years. Do I want a pair that lasts longer than that? I don't give a fuck. I was going to say, like, maybe when denim was first, you know, kind of around the 1800s, you're like, fucking, you want it to last. But now you're just like, okay.

So they stopped working after a year. I'll probably go get another pair. I'll go back to Kmart. I've got the 20 bucks. But they're a little short. They're a little wide. They're three years out of date. They've got the 20 bucks Yeah But they're a little short They're a little wide Yeah They're three years

Out of date They've got cargo pockets Yeah But I'm fucking cool Yeah They've got Lightning McQueen From Cars on the Side Yeah

That's cool I look like a cool guy On the tram Exactly I'm in East Brunswick I can fucking get away Yeah Yeah

So yeah That's So healthy eating That's the day That's that That's it Apple and a sandwich Yeah So yeah That's So healthy eating That's the day That's that That's it Apple and a sandwich That's it

And crackers And apple sandwich crackers That's it Yeah Yeah man Yeah Oh no I had some scrambled eggs As well

I had some scrambled eggs Oh what time did you have them Not breakfast No no You know what This is the first time I've had breakfast in so long Because

My daughter wanted Scrambled eggs for breakfast so i had some some of hers that she wasn't gonna eat okay so i had a bit of that there's some there there'll be someone listening who just who hears your healthy day and is like that's a blowout for me yeah that's me like but you know that's you know what that's that's me experimenting with the uh with the eating yep yep by having the eggs for breakfast because what I do with the intermittent fasting is I do my 16 to 18 hours and then when I get to the end of it,

I'm fucking mental and then I eat and we've talked about this, I eat like three meals after that. Yeah. I'm so fucking hungry. It's still better than having three spread out. Is it?

Yeah, I presume it is. If you eat like four hours a day, you can eat what you fucking want. Yeah. Pretty much. I think so because that's what I was doing in lockdown. I was eating like in a window of about four hours.

In lockdown? Yeah. Sitting in your house just going, fuck this pantry over there, taunting me. Yes. Yeah, we did that. It was good. Yeah. Like from one till six every day, fucking eating.

Yes. The whole time. It was sick. Man, I would go. One hour exercise, four hours of eating. That's lockdown, baby. This was my lockdown every day. I'd get to one o'clock and I'd eat four to five sandwiches.

Fuck. A full packet of cookies. And then... Jesus Christ. So it's one sandwich and the one packet of... Like a tray, like a family assorted or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would keep going because, Mike,

because you know what? I think what happens is your stomach takes... He's not a family assorted man, by the way. Yeah, no. Look at him. He's some sort of American Oreo kind of bullshit. There we go. Yeah.

Double fudge. Vegan. Oreo are vegan, aren't they? What? Oreo are vegan, aren't they? They're not Oreos. No, I was getting the choc chip, the like Woolworths and Coles brand. Oh, okay.

The cheap chips Ahoy version. AC, like AC Cola. Yeah. AC choc chip. But they're better. Very good. They're better. Okay. like AC cola. Yeah. AC chocolate chip. They're better. Very good. They're better.

So I'd eat a full packet of that. I'd eat four to six sandwiches. There'd be something else going on as well. There might be something hot in there as well. Just a mix of those. I love the four being the low end of the scale. Having a day where you have six and then the next day you have four being like, yeah, I really reined it in today.

I really kept myself pretty nice. So that's it for you. Like you wouldn't have a cooked meal or something instead? Like I was craving food. I did the same sort of thing. But I'd cook all morning to have a big lunch, like a big casserole or something fucking massive. No, I wouldn't do it. No.

A big cook was – Six sandwiches is bigger than that. Yeah, yeah. When you add up the time, that probably is the same. It's better off just hollowing out a fucking loaf of bread. Oh, fuck, man. Like Elvis. I could eat a loaf of bread so easily.

Yeah, that time that you spent making those six sandwiches, you could have made like an osso bucco or something. No, no, no. I could easily eat a loaf of bread. I would love to do that. I should do that. I should put that on my bucket list. Just sit there and eat a loaf of bread. Unsliced. You used to do a hundred jokes in a day. Unsliced. Now you're just going to eat a loaf of bread. I would love to do that. I should do that. I should put that on my bucket list. Just sit there and eat

a loaf of bread. Unsliced. You should do a hundred jokes in a day. Unsliced. Man, you're just going to eat a loaf of bread. What I want to do

before I die is eat a loaf of bread. I can't think of anything else I want to do. I think that's number one and the only thing on my bucket list at the moment.

I'm finding the magic lamp and the genie being like, brother, I'll get, sure, I feel bad. I'll make that one of them, but please tell me that your other two aren't going to be. Bring back the virus. I'll do that in lockdown again. I'll eat a loaf of bread a day.

When you eat your kids' leftover food, like, do you find I found this when my kids were little and that'd be, you're so fucking tired, you don't have time to, like, prepare food and shit. I'd eat pretty much food off their face or something. Or they'd just pull something out of their mouth and put it down. You go, I'll hand it to you.

You just go, fuck it, I'm eating that. The childless are disgusted. Yeah. You're like, fuck it. No, I haven't got to that point. Hand me a half-eaten bristle or something. Oh, fuck all of that. No, no, I haven't got to that bit.

Okay. Do you want to do a thing I heard about this is when kids are really snotty, you put your hand over the nose. Absolutely not. Whatever you're saying. Sucking it out. Yeah. Fuck off.

Oh, yeah. No, no. Someone told me about that. I haven't seen it, but they were like a guy at a party. Because my daughter sucked it out of their head. I think that came up at the gig he was doing tonight. But it wasn't out of the nose But it wasn't out of the nose. It wasn't out of the nose.

No, I have heard of that before because when we got our dog, he's a little white dog with crusty bits of shit in his eyes. And I was asking on Instagram for advice. You've got to suck it out of his eyes. Well, that's what people say. I was like, has anyone got any advice for how to keep this dog? Because they're just mucky all the time. And a lot of people are like,

you've got to suck it out, brother. Just like with children, I'm like, oh man, this is the worst thing I've ever solicited advice for on Instagram. You punch them hard enough, then all the bodily fluids just come out everywhere anyway. Put them down. Both the dog and the children. Like, fuck off.

The yarra's there for a reason, guys. Yeah, exactly. Little Blanket hasn't figured out How to blow her nose She just like She When I put a tissue in front of her She Sucks

Yeah fucking useless And I'm like And she's so blocked off I'm like I know that story And I'm like I'm not doing that There is some sort of Little puffer thing Like a

Like a Like what you'd Ball puffer Like what you'd fan a fire with Yeah Like the Yeah there is one of them You can

If you want Bellows Yeah There's a bellow You can A little mini one Isn't that weird It's like

I found myself They'll figure it out I found I was like No you gotta blow You gotta blow Not sniff in And she's like

I don't I am And then she'd sniff in And then I found myself It's like a fucking weird game Of charades or picturing Trying to describe What blowing your nose is

I'm like you know Just do the The opposite of this And she's like I didn't blow my nose as a kid Like I wasn't a hanky We weren't a hanky family your nose is. I'm like, you know, just do the opposite of this. I didn't blow my nose as a kid. Like I wasn't a hanky. We weren't a hanky family, thank fuck. Yeah.

I had like monogrammed hankies. Of course you fucking did. No, I didn't use them. My brother did and I was disgusted. He always had one up his sleeve. You know how they had them up their sleeve? Oh, fuck yeah. It's good.

I couldn't do that. A little bang your bird num hanky. I'd rather just fucking wipe it off a sleeve or something. A little bit of Vicks, the solid Vicks pinned into the corner. That should be your next merch, a little LH hanky. Yeah. Nice. Just that grot in the other corner. Yeah, put your grot in here.

I'm obsessed at the moment with my girlfriend's nephew. I've been noticing this in lots of little kids just coughing, like the way that kids just cough where they just walk around and just like it's just a thing where you go, like you think of it so instinctively when you cough, you're like, oh, it blocked my mouth. But just like seeing kids and being like, yeah, this is a thing that has to be drilled in by a parent.

Cover your fucking mouth. Coughing for adults nearly finished. That's one good thing about COVID. People are ashamed to cough. You cough on the tram now. Stop it. Everyone's like, get the fuck off. Yeah, you rarely hear one. Which is one of the few positives of the

scamdemic. No, it's been good at home because the kid's been walking around coughing and I'm like, you've got to cover your mouth. And my wife is sort of like, ah, she's all right. Anyway, one week later, sick in bed. Well, well, well. How'd that work out?

Fuck yeah. So is your kid, yeah, your kid's just coughing away? Yeah, loves it. Are you having to do the like, cover your mouth? Yeah, because they get taught that in school. So it's like I'm just reinforcing it from where the teachers are going. How old is she? Four.

Yeah. So she's all right. just reinforcing it from where the teachers are going. How old is she? Four. Yeah. So she's all right. She's doing it now. It's funny because she's like coming up to me tonight like going, look, Daddy, covering my mouth. I'm like, yeah, look at your mum. Dead in bed. Too late.

You did that. Too late. Did you put that in? Slipped a bit of that in. See, you did that. You could have killed her. Yeah. Congratulations, Carl. You're the same kind of parent as Luke. Does that make you feel good? You could have killed her Yeah Congratulations Carl

You're the same kind of parent As Luke here Does that make you feel good? Is there one thing you did As a parent That your dad or mum Did to you That you're like

I'm never fucking gonna do that And then you do it You know is there something That you say Daily Oh really Fuck yeah And you hate

Do you hate it? I hate myself for it Yeah right I still do it I usually just get it Out the back of the hand. But no, it's not. Again, we're not talking about the gig tonight.

We're talking about back home in real life. No, I mean, yeah, you do. You find yourself raising your voice. I don't do it often. No, no, no. Whenever I do, I'm like, fuck, why am I doing this? Yeah, right. That's what I didn't want to do.

Yeah. But they're such fuckheads. I understand exactly why I was a fuckhead. Of course I deserved to get yelled at. So you just sit your wits in and you're like, oh, fuck. I never got bashed. I don't bash. Yeah, yeah.

You can see exactly what happens generation to generation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got bashed and I'm excellent, so I'm going to fucking do it. That's exactly what happens. See, if we got, like, I got spacked in the mouth and stuff, but you go, if that softened as each generation, like medieval must have been like, oh, that's it, you're on the fucking rack.

Oh, I just didn't put my shoes away. Not into my hand. You're dead. Drawn and ported. Watch this. He's dead because he didn't cough in his hand. The older, like, medieval guy's been like, you can't even strap the kids into the catapult anymore.

They've gotten all woke. You can't even parent properly. Parenting's full of that. I try to be good, but fuck it. You're tired. You're at your wits' end. They're fucking liars. And they're just fucking taunting you.

They know. My kids are great, but sometimes I see other kids go, fuck me. I don't know how you deal with that. I might haven't got any mental issues or anything yet. I'm trying my best. That you know of. They're at the school counselling. Hang on, did you bring him to the gig tonight?

Because I might now. I saw a photo of dad with a man with a cunt T-shirt on. I want to think about that. You guys both know, well, this is something that I think will interest you, Carl. You guys both know this. Dasolo, not my real name. Oh, whoa. Scoop.

You're both aware of that. Wow. That's come up a lot on the pod. All right. And I don't really have a backstory for it. I have no real memory of where I plucked that from. Italy. Always comes up.

How old were you when you switched? 16. Okay. Yeah. What do you folks think of that? They're fine. No, but at 16, what'd they think? Fuck.

You'd start a comedy about fucking 10 years old or something, didn't you? Yeah. That's why. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, no, that's why he changed it. He didn't change his name in the schoolyard. Just on tests. Well, fuck, you joke about that, but it happens now.

Yeah, true, true. Did your parents not raise a question as to why you now had a fake ethnic name? You shamed us. You can change your name to whatever, but to pretend you're from a different nationality or something. Yeah, they never asked about it. You could have leaned in harder, to be honest. Yeah, yeah.

Have I told you this? Like 15 years ago or something during the comedy festival, I got a call from the festival publicity people. And they were like, oh, yeah, SBS. Putting together a... Really? SBS want to have you on for an interview. And I'm thinking like, oh, hell yeah, this is great.

Fuck yeah. And then they're like, yeah, it's for like an ethnic show. Like this year, surname's Italian. And I was like. Did you say, am I emceeing it? Am I just introducing the. And I was like, I'm not Italian. Yeah, I came clean and said I wasn't Italian.

I think it's probably a Pretty good time to do it In hindsight But also Would have been fucking sick If you didn't I do There is part of me That regrets

That it would be awesome If there's footage Of there out me Just really going for it Fucking Leaning in If people like Have found the footage now

Yeah And gone back to try And cancel you Exactly Yeah Yeah You starting a gig With hello Malacca's

So Traditional Italian speak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming out of your belly. Aussies don't know. Yeah, that's it. I'm like... New gardening show and it's like Dasai with just concrete in his front yard.

Posing it. Like, I'm just trapped. If I'm just like trapped in that world... Just got a neck brace on. Yeah, no one knows. No one in the lawn in a suit. By the time we've started the podcast, it's like I'm still, I'm already deep in.

So I've never revealed it to you. I've never revealed it to anyone. It's a closely guarded secret. And it's more that thing where you've never talked to us about it, but every time like us three are in a room and you're like, do you reckon he's actually Italian? Yeah. What's the fucking go with that?

I'm keeping my parents just to hit like never talking about them, never bringing them to gigs. Oh, yeah. I've left the podcast like four years in because my group Sushi Mango is starting to do pretty well. Yeah. See, my mum's a wog and I can't do the jokes because I don't look like one. Yeah. So I'll be up there going. You can.

Yeah. So I'll be up there going, I don't know. Yeah, but I've got uncles and aunties. I've got the plastic down the hallway and the fucking big balustrades and shit. What country? Greek? That kind of side is Italian and mum's was like Maltese and Turkish and a whole heap of shit. And she speaks Greek, but no one knows that. And it's like I can't do it because people are like, fuck up, Skip.

Yeah. Same as Golsan. Golsan's like, I'm Sri Lankan. And it's like I can't do it Because people are like Fuck up Skip Yeah Same as Goldstein Goldstein's like I'm Sri Lankan It's like No you're not Yeah yeah yeah Exactly

All this comedy gold That I couldn't mind That's a good line up show The best of I swear we're actually From there It's fine And you've got to

Bring your mum out Yeah yeah Say something Greek mum Yeah you've got You get to do it But you have to explain Your family tree For 10 minutes before. Yeah, right, right.

Have pictures of your relos. Yeah. Oh. I don't have access to that. There's my ghetto pass, okay, guys? Yep. Now let's do the gear. Thank you.

So, yeah, never had the backstory for the fake name. Yep. And my parents were around here the other day for Mother's Day, and my dad was telling me that he... Oh, you didn't go to theirs. You made them come to yours for Mother's Day? Okay. Yeah, yeah. I oh you didn't go to theirs you made them come to yours for Mother's Day yeah yeah

I forced them to come around I couldn't be fucked going around there Mummers Day yeah it's Nonna's Day as well don't forget Nonna

don't forget Nonna yeah you know that I'm like do you know that I thought it was funny so I made my kid call my mum Nonna I just thought it was funny oh I made my kid call my mum Nonna? I just thought it was funny.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, and now it just has to happen. That's great. She has an actual Italian grandmother that she doesn't call Nonna. Who's going to be groaning? Oh, she'd be fucking spewing. Real Nonna would be spewing.

No, no, totally. She's very confused about it. Because my only defense is, it's funny. But yeah, I had my folks around for lunch. Dad brings a bottle of wine and he was just telling me like, yeah, you know, I've got this wine that I think is like really good. You know, you don't have to spend too much on wine. There's people out there that they think you've got to get this like imported stuff

and it's like people just go so far up their own ar much on wine. There's people out there that they think you've got to get this, like, imported stuff and it's like... Absolutely. People just go so far up their own arses with wine that, like... Don't they? And he goes, so what I've started doing is... This is a good preamble to I've paid $6 for a wine, by the way. He's tipping clean skins into a... He's going to.

Someone's about to whip out a box. Well, yeah, not far off because he's like, you know, you get – other ways had this theory that, you know, you get this like an all right Australian wine and these people that like to think they're into it, they actually can't tell the difference. So what I've been doing, I've just been getting this cheap stuff, right, and I steam the labels off.

No. Fuck yeah. And he goes, and I've made my own label, my own fake wine label. Wow. For a winery called the Chateau Dassault. Has he got the, not le, just the Chateau. I haven't seen a picture of it yet. I've got to get him to send me a photo.

And he's like, so this is his new thing. He's like, oh, I've got this. So he has people around. And he's like, oh, like oh yeah here it is the beautiful uh and he makes a point of like spelling it really and yeah and he's like and he's like these people i get him every time i pour him a glass and they're like oh wow yeah the french wine is really good isn't it these people who don't know that you you're daslo these are just people who know them yes right yes yeah and also do they know that Dassault isn't French like

he picked an Italian name yeah I know but he's still he's getting away with it wow and now if this if this fake wine can come into enough prominence

yeah you know just like now there's like a lot of people that are friends with my parents that are just out there being like oh I had this

I need a case of the I gotta try and find this I wonder if they have it at Dan Murphy's you know just this like these need a case of the Chateau d'Assello. I've got to try and find this. I wonder if they have it at Dan Murphy's, you know, just this like these people spreading the word of Chateau d'Assello. Yeah. This now gives me. What is it?

For the bullshit name, I can go, oh, like from the winery. Yeah. We're descended from those people. He's got her own banger till she's numb. Rum. It's like champagne. It's like it's not actually d'Asseault unless the wine comes from North Fitzroy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, yeah. Is it good? Pardon? Is it good? I didn't have any. Okay.

But, I mean... What's it from? Do you not know? I don't know. It's Adelaide or something. No, but it's like a goon cask that he's poured in or it's a... No, I think he's just getting like a $15 bottle. Oh, okay.

Is he designing the label himself? Yeah. Who's designing? What's he doing it on? On Word? That's a good question. I don't know what he's done it up on. Because, look, full credit to a man pulling off a scheme

and can be fucked doing something like this at the age he's at. Because it's like, this is a thing that would be stupid to do at 15. No, but you know what this is? This is retirement. Right. This is just like steaming off the labels and then gluing a new label on.

The fucking effort. This is the answer. What do you do with eternity? Yeah, yeah. No, 100%. You do this shit. You prank your friends. Yeah.

You rip them off. If I were rich, I'd just be doing pranks every day. Yeah. That's it. Just like million dollar pranks. Like what? what plan them out i saw one where a dude was getting pissed all the time i think it was irish fits and fucking he's is that a prank his parents were so fucking hacked off with him drinking all the time his mates got in piss one night and he passed out and they put him in a

coffin and set up a like an open casket and he when he woke up the church is full of his parents and people with music and shit it fucking like he got up

and goes what the fuck like he got out walked up everyone's ignoring him he's walking up and going dad

dad mum mum and they're just ignoring him until he touched his dad and his dad slapped him and then everyone started laughing it's like fuck that's a good prank.

That's a really good prank. Brilliant prank. But you're right, you need a pretty sturdy bank. You need resources. Yeah, you need cash. Fuck yeah. Worth every penny. Oh, that's what you do with cash.

Why else would you want cash? Unless you're going to do stuff like that. It's fucking useless. You withdraw from your super just to pull pranks. Super? If you could access super for pranks,. It's fucking useless. You were throwing from your super just to pull pranks. Super. If you could access super for pranks that'd be fucking

unbelievable. So yeah, that's, I got a little backstory now for my fake surname. So what your backstory is, you got that because you,

you, my dad always loved the wine. Oh, right. It's my dad's favorite wine. Oh, right. So you change it because it was your dad's favourite wine oh right so you change it because it was your dad's I thought you were going to say

I'm actually from the region the Dassault region I did think that for a second but I think it's I mean I'm already out there as having enough people know that it's not my real name

I'm always getting asked like where'd you pluck that from I'll just say oh it's this wine dad's favourite wine it's my dad's favourite wine right is there anyone

who doesn't listen to this podcast who would ask you that? Like, that's fucking insane. Like, obviously, you just spilt the beans. You can't do it. I mean, do it. Yeah. Go for it.

Go for your life. Well, I just mean it, but when it comes up. What's your licence say? Because your passport, that's right. Your passport when we stayed, when we were together. When we lived together in New York. In New York, yeah. Yeah.

That was Allsop wasn't it it's Allsop yeah you haven't changed it I've never changed it I just use it for comedy I lived in New York

briefly with Allsop yeah you did it was a fucking disaster really I didn't even know him that well what a fucking loser like oh he drinks

less than me and Cody we'll give him the key for that fucking lost it within minutes. Yeah. What a fucking shit night. It really was.

What a fuck night. But it did lead to one of the greatest videos that's ever been produced. Not much to show for it for me. I'd rather the night sleep than that. Fucking hell. I'm amazed we've managed to rebuild because I did come away from that trip being like, well, this cunt's never speaking to me again. Then it took you a while to pay as well. I was going to

fucking bash you. I'm coming to Melbourne to bash you if you don't pay the fucking rent. What did you do? Lose a key? The only house key, Airbnb house key. Fucking lost it, left in a pub. Brilliant. I don't know why I thought he'd be a better fit.

The reason he had to stay with you is because i remember you i was staying with a friend of mine that you vaguely knew and then you were there without me and so then you hit him up to go can i stay with you and then he was hitting me up going why the fuck is your mate asking to stay with me for free in fucking new york and i'm like man i don't know why didn't you middleman sort it out? I thought it was a different trip. I know, I think it was the same trip. Okay.

Fuck, yeah. Have I ever told the story about me in Adelaide when I got locked out of my Airbnb? No. So I was there for Fringe, fuck, this must have been like 10 years ago, and I was staying near the Parklands, I think it was Greenlands Road or Greensleeve.

I don't fucking know. Anyway, not far from the city. So it was a Sunday night. I'd been at the Fringe. I'd had a kebab, came home, wasn't that pissed, and then woke up on the street, like outside the apartment complex. On the bitumen, like bitumen. On the road, yeah, yeah.

What time? And I was like, oh, like four in the morning, three or four in the morning. Yep. And I'm like, fuck, in the morning Three or four in the morning Yep And I'm like Fuck this dream is like Fucking vivid So I'm in my jocks And I've slept I've slept walked

I've just slept walked Got in a lift Gone down Gone out through the foyer Come out to the building And then just come to And just be like Oh you are fucking kidding me

There's no way back in the building No no Everything's inside Fuck So I'm out the front I'm like what the fuck Because you know what That's the thing that way back in the building no no everything's inside fuck so i'm out the front i'm like because you know what that that's that's the thing that holds me in the game sometimes when i've been like blind and then gone and done something fuck i feel like you've got that muscle memory of like just making sure you're not going to completely fuck yourself over by making sure you've got your key on you there's so many times i've got home blind and then woken up

in the morning gone clearly i've lost my backpack and laptop and everything but it's all there because you're like there's something you need to save your life switch on autopilot yeah and so i'm out the front and i'm like and then the kind of the realization like i'm in my jocks i'm just standing there um you know late yeah yeah and people driving past going oh yeah there's this guy in his jocks not a big deal let's just keep driving don't worry about it and so I had like

an underground car park so I jump this fence and I'm like it's got like spikes on the top I'm like no this is going to be

on the news as I impale myself I get over that I try and get in the door downstairs you need the fucking fob to get in I'm like can't get in

so I go to the front door I'm fucking hitting the buzzer just waking everyone up and people are fucking angry This is like a hotel? No Airbnb Yeah but like people People you were staying with?

No no no I was by myself Just an apartment complex Right That I was staying in Okay yeah And so someone buzzed me in So I get up to my floor

And it was one of those doors Hey look someone buzzed you in What are you saying to them? I don't know I just must have said I'm locked out Yeah I've sleepwalked or whatever. They're very trusting.

I guess you don't have to give the full story. Hey, it's just me, someone you've never met. I'm in my jocks. You can't come in. I did a show on Fringe, though. Come on in. I'll comp you. So I get up to the level that I'm on,

and it's one of those doors when it shuts behind you, it locks. So even though I didn't have the key, it just locks. In the stairwell or the level? On the level. So I was at the front door and I'm like fucking kicking the door, trying to break it open and stuff. This guy from the next door, the next door neighbour comes out and he's like, what the fuck's going on, mate?

And I'm like, mate, I'm locked out. He's like, hey, poor cunt, whatever. Comes out and he's like, here's my phone, call a locksmith. And then he gives me like a bathrobe and you never want to put on another man's bathrobe. Yes. I would if I was in my jocks at fucking 3am or something. I know, but when you think about it, you don't ever want to. But yeah, I did.

And so then I ring the locksmith. So by this time, it's about 4.30 in the morning. And he's just like, oh yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can. And it took him like two hours to rock up. I'm like, mate, you've got nowhere else to be. It's fucking Adelaide on a Monday morning at 6 o'clock. Like traffic three minutes can't. He's out robbing shit at that time of night.

That's what locksmiths do. I love that, though. You've got nothing else on. It's 4 a.m., mate. He's got some sleep on. Well, you don't have any fucking emergency number. I'm paying extra So I go down in the foyer

And I'm waiting for him To rock up Because he can't get up Without me letting him in And so I'm sitting in the foyer Of this apartment complex I don't know In this bathrobe

Looking like I'm on The set of a porno As people just start To peel out Going to work Oh yeah I'm just sitting there Fucking cooked

And then the bloke Rocks up Lets me in I'll buy a slab For the bloke rocks up, lets me in. I buy a slab for the bloke next door, forgive me, the bathroom and all that kind of shit. Oh, nice. Yeah, great. Man, it was a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

Ugh. Fuck. But just that coming to and being like. That's scary. This isn't a dream. Yeah. Like this is, oh, fuck. I've heard a few stories of that of people, yeah, waking up down the road in their pajamas.

Oh, fuck. That's scary. Man, I was talking about this before, years ago on this podcast, but very briefly. There was a live podcast where we just got out of hand drinking afterwards. Yeah. And I woke up on the street and then I was like... So you'd been to bed? No, no, no, no.

Oh. I was on my way home, but I'd woken up. I'd just passed out on the street. But like fucking flipped turtle style. I had my backpack on, but I was asleep on the backpack. Like I was like struggling to get up when I'd been flipped. And so I got up and I was like, oh my God, I don't even remember getting here. Imagine the CCTV of the two minutes before that of you just going, oh, I can't.

I would love to know how the fuck I got there because I was like, to get from the city where I was to where I was, I was like, I had to take two different trams, I think, and then walk 100 meters to then go, now this is a spot where I'm going to go to sleep. Nowhere near my house. And so then I got up and I was like, fucking hell, how the fuck did I get here? And then walked back and realized where I was

and was like, oh, I've got a big walk ahead of me. And then the tram pulled up. I'm like, oh, I'm this out of me and then the tram pulled up i'm like oh i'm this out of control and the trams are still running like i saw the time i was like it's 11 o'clock people like some people were just heading out i've woken up on my bike before oh what are you riding your bike at holy fuck where am i like just come to yeah come to on the bike. Grim.

That's great. That is fucking grim. That's terrifying, isn't it? You're just like, how long? How far? Yeah.

Where did I black out? Where did I, I remember doing the gig and here I am. That's great. Drunk quantum leap. It's every weekend, isn't it?

Wow. During a bike ride, that's amazing. I've never heard something like that before. That's good. Yeah, it's? Wow. During a bike ride. That's amazing. I've never heard something like that before. That's good. Yeah, it's pretty grim. That's fucking embarrassing. And did you have to go, hang on, did you go, where am I going?

Did you have to figure out? Oh, I mean, this wasn't pierced. I used to work a lot on boats in Sydney. And I'd ride from Birkenhead to Coogee. And it was fucking like 35, 40 minutes. And just, I'd work, you know,

15 hours a day sometimes from, real busy, during summer, it's very busy and then it just, I'd wake up on the bike or I'd get home

and not know how I got there. Like just fucking, so you weren't even pissed? No, just, fuck, fucking out of my mind. I've never worked that hard.

I was rolling into the street going, what happened here? Where am I now? Oh, you know, you'd find your way somewhere. Although I did turn up a couple of times just somewhere else,

like a suburb away or so. I just took a wrong turn. Maybe something... Didn't know. Like, yeah, it's fucked. Maybe something was happening to you on the bike that you're oppressing. This is a good plug for your pod.

We're trying to talk about it. Yeah. Should have brought up that two hours ago, I reckon. All right. We'd better leave it there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Luke Heggie, Adam Rosenbachs, thank you for joining us. Mostly a pleasure. Well, by the sound of it, you've got another gig coming up in Sydney.

Yeah, I do. I think Rosenbach should come by the way he's reacted to this whole thing. I think so. I think you'd be a really good audience also the can I name it can I name the gig because it's

what we already have no we haven't named it because the thing is on top of everything else the subject matter and everything you're also going

to a gig called with a comedian called No Laughing Matter oh yeah does not fucking help in any way yeah I was watching that. I saw the big logo that was going to be behind

me while I'm on stage. You go, this is not great. It's just to have up there. My enemies will have a field day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't have any of you fuckwits there, thankfully, to take a photo. So, listeners of the show, get along and get a picture, please, in Sydney, please. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you've got an encore show coming up in Sydney of your festival tour. Sure do. Brisbane next week. Oh, this might be it. Yeah, whatever. Still rolling on. Cool. Mopping up the scraps at the festivals.

And you've got your potty? Got the pod, mid-flight brawl. Get around it. Which, by the way, I was having a discussion about this with someone the other day. You know what you guys should have called it Jet Star Wars oh that's funny

yeah that's real good other than the fact that you'd have to bash yourself for saying it every week Rosie you can check out

my AFL podcast Junk Time if you like if you're into that football type thing. Cool. Have a listen to that. Yeah, please.

Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, the B-Dog. Whoop, straight up in the air. Took me a second. Who the fuck is the B-Dog? Thought you might have been talking about one of the guests. I was like, does Heggie call himself the B-Dog? I thought you might have been talking about one of the guests. I was like, does Heggie call himself the B-Dog?

It's like the fucking The Simpsons couch gag. You know, you've got to do something different. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Sometimes Homer's floating in space and all of a sudden he ends up on the couch. I don't know. Why is he doing that? You've got to pause and rewind to get some of those sight gags. Yes.

Yeah, you've got to treat it like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Yep. That is crazy the amount of work they were putting into that show for the handful of nerds who happened to have a VCR when the show premiered. You know, their whole thing was like they were doing a lot of visual sign because they were around the time of the VCR coming into prominence. And, you know, there's little jokes on a sign,

like a street sign or whatever, for like 10 seconds, and they were like, hey, people have this tech now. Let's put all this shit into the background of episodes on the off chance that some people might bother to go looking for it. Well, that's what we do.

We hide three jokes within each episode of each show. Yeah, you've got to wait to a lot of shit to get there. But eagle-eared listeners, if you can be bothered pausing and rewinding with this newfangled podcasting app technology. If you pause the podcast and stare at your iPhone long enough, you'll find one of the jokes within this episode. Yeah, yeah. And write in.

We have a competition each week for whoever correctly… Screenshot the joke. Screenshot the joke. Screenshot the joke. And, yeah, you get a little – we draw you into the episode. It's like we have a Where's Wally within every episode, but it's Where's Comedy. Now that is what we should call the show. We should reboot as Where's Comedy.

Like the pod artwork, you know, it takes care of itself. That's good. Yeah, that would be really good. Just, you know, do they still do the bits at the end of the, you know, the Comedy Festival gala where the streamers come down at the end of the show and everyone's waving or, you know, all that sort of stuff? I guess, yeah, I don't know, I guess so. We should just do one of them and just hide me in somewhere

and put, you know, Where's Comedy. We should get Martin Hanford out of retirement to do the podcast artwork for Where's Comedy. Is that the author? The author. The scribe of Where's Wally. The novelist. Yeah, yeah, that's his name, Martin Hanford. Oh, there you go.

For such a popular thing, for something so heavily in the lexicon like that, I've never known the person behind the but they're a bit person behind they're a bit after your time right like you're not were you were you ever reading where's wally when you're a kid well again reading is a strong word but yeah no engaging with yes perusing i'm i've certainly i've been aware of it for a long time when did when where's wally start i reckon probably the first one would have been like late 80s. So they're like right in my hitting zone. Like I remember maybe like the last two ones that he did.

I remember like new ones coming out and it being a huge event. Right. There was like one, there was like Where's Wally Goes to Hollywood or something. 87. 87. Okay. Right. See, I was more of a, when it came to my youth, I was more of a finding shit within Richard

Scarry's books. Oh, yeah, yeah. Busy town. Yeah. What did you have to find? The worm or something like that? Did you have to find stuff in that? I thought that was just...

I think it was something little that you'd have to find. Well, Where's Wally was like you'd go through, you find Wally, and you go, great, I've clocked this book. Then you get to the end and there'd be a page where it's like, here's 30 other bits of bullshit in every page that you've got to go find. Right. And it'd be like, you know, a little kid who's dropped his ice cream cone. So you think you've finished the book, and then it's like, uh-uh-uh. You've got a bit of New Game Plus in there that you've got to go do. Okay, so I'm finding out something I've always wondered.

So I always got confused between Where's Wally and Where's Waldo. So Where's Waldo is just North American. Yep. Right. The rest of the world's Wally. Yep. It's the same guy. Yeah.

Which, again, a thing where when it didn't exist, what a crazy thing to do. Right. The rest of the world's Wally. Yep. It's the same guy. Yeah. Which again, a thing where when it didn't exist, what a crazy thing to do. Martin Hanford, young artist, just goes, oh, I got an idea for a book. I'm just going to draw the most detailed shit you've ever seen and ask you to find one little bloke in it. That's crazy. But I think what's even better is America going, yeah, you know, finding a some-striped cunt in a fucking huge picture, that's fine. But calling him Wally, I don't think people are going to understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It needs to be that great traditional name from America, Waldo. Waldo. What? Yeah. Has anyone got the name Waldo in fucking America? Yeah, I don't know. Wasn't there Wally World from National Lampoon's Vacation?

They know the name Wally. Yeah. Why did they draw the line at Wally? I don't know. Is there anything on whatever you're looking at that's telling you that? It's just saying literally in America they thought no. Yeah, right. Well, because there's, you know, famously the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in the UK because ninjas were seen as being too violent. So I wonder if there's some kind of similar reason. There was just a... Is WALL-E like... Was WALL-E like a slur in America in 1987 And they were like, well, we can't have that. They just convinced everyone to stop using the N word and start using the W word. And then that came in.

And this book comes out. Where's Wally? Oh, I'll tell you where a few of them are. Too many in this neighborhood. That's why we're moving out. Hanging out at the front of the shops, getting up to no good. Yeah. No. Yeah. Getting up to no good. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

No. Okay. I thought it was going to say a good reason, but there's not a good reason. They just decided. It sounded wrong. Just one person at a publisher went rogue and had the freedom to make that call. Yeah. Actionate.

You've been within that before where people just fucking make these calls and and they just no one else gave a fuck yeah like yeah one person got you know was was quite convincing with it people don't understand wally in america and the rest of the people like fuck okay well um maybe this guy knows something that we don't um yeah okay although i do think that happens less now with how like kind of global and like everyone's tapped in on the internet you know it kind of launches everywhere at the same time and it is a shame to lose that thing of like yeah going to another country in a certain time and just there being something that's just called a wildly different name yeah it is a shame because it is cool yeah um all right that's enough for there's nothing

particularly good any trivia i can find about where's Wally, the Where's Waldo, the name change. Boy, the people trying to find the three bits of comedy are having a tough time so far. Yes. Man, I'm trying to find something interesting

on the Where's Wally page. Like it, yeah, like you're doing one of the books in and of itself. Yes. Well, hey,

I'll tell you, I'll tell you something you can find that's interesting, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. There's some interesting stuff on there. There's only one page on the internet where you can give us money. Yeah. Prove us. I don't reckon you can find it at home.

Yeah. Prove us wrong. Yeah, exactly. Make it a little family activity after dinner tonight. Here's a little challenge. You get a bonus score if you... Gather your partner and your child around the iPod, around the iPhone. Gather your partner and your bastard children around the computer. Yes.

And look through the internet to find a place where you can give us money. Yeah. I bet you can't. Yeah. You fucking moron. It's a real challenge. But hey, here's a little clue for this challenge. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

Now, you know, you might be thinking, what's that sentence mean? That's the first clue. Why is he reading out punctuation in the middle of a sentence? Well, you know, have a little bit of a think about it. And, you know, the answer might be staring you right in the face. It's a new competition we're running. Every week we give LA another clue. Yep.

Yep. So that's the first clue. That's clue number one. That's clue number one. Clue number one for how to give us money. They get progressively easier. Fuck. All right.

I don't know what we're going to do next week. What's week five? Us just coming around to every individual listener's house and typing it in. And putting our own money in their pockets and then taking it out again. Oh, thank you. How kind. Get on there. You can support the show.

Get two bonus mini episodes every week, often with the guests that you've heard on the main episode. Yes. As is the case this week. Yes. We've got two coming up with Luke Heggy. It's for you people that you're like, oh, my God, I wish that podcast would never end. And then it doesn't have to. It can get going for a little bit.

It still does. It just goes for maybe half an hour extra every week. Sometimes both guests hang around. And sometimes, as in this episode, we were late at night having a few beers and the other one guest went, fuck this. What am I still here for? My house is just around the corner. One of them, well, initially he did go short and

then a minute later he was like actually no yes no i think it was like you brought those beers around i was like is there any more i'll hang around and then cool is there any more beers no okay i'm going there yeah i think yeah it was like are there any more beers i'll go have a look in the fridge and i came back yeah and i think even before i'd said there weren't any he'd just seen me empty-handed. Yes. And was already up off the couch. Yes. Which, look, you've got to respect it.

Yes. Oh, look. We all would like to have left. It was like 11.30 at night. Yes. Weirdly, about the same time as it is now, on a different day. I've come around specifically for here, and I'm keeping my energy up because I don't like the idea of us sooking about it being late or whatever.

But it's like, I come around here at 10 o'clock at night. Yep. Spoiler alert, just off the plane from Queensland, which you'll hear all about next week. Yep. And raced around and I presume your girlfriend's in bed and my family's in bed and we're just these little late night content creators. Yeah.

And we're doing it against our will but we're man we're making sure we have fun doing it yeah yeah we got a good little vibe going in here i got this new little orange lamp that's like conducive to hey i can make it even more mood you cleaned your room up as well it's like it looks really spacey yeah yeah well i talked about that on last week's app i got rid of some shit in here you know i'm sitting in a different spot and i can see the the room better it's all looking a bit wider i reckon now what about this is this gonna help keep you awake or is this worse this is worse it's fine i can deal with it it's you've got like a little lava lamp sort of colored deal yeah it's a little plastic it's like

got three little globes in it and then like a plastic orange thing that hangs over it so it gives like a cool kind of cool kind of very 70s in here yeah yeah that's it um but it's like um i feel like yeah what you were doing then you were turning off another light and just leaving a very low lit light on as i'm talking about it being late at night and tired it's like you know when you're driving with your partner and you know she's like oh i might just you know turn the up. And do you mind if I just go to sleep? It's like they're all things that are not helping me. Yes. Yes.

I need you to talk to me and I need the window open. I really feel like if I'm a passenger, I mean, I'm often driving on a long trip, whether it's with friends or partner for whatever reason. But on the odd occasion I am a passenger, I really do do my best not to go to sleep. I really feel like it's pretty bad skills. Pretty unfair. Yeah. You're all in it together.

The number of years I've driven back from the Meredith Music Festival, big weekend, barely any sleep, fucking dying, driving home a car full of people, ten minutes out of the site, everyone's asleep on you. Thanks, guys. home a car full of people yeah 10 minutes out of the site everyone's asleep on you thanks guys yeah no i'll i'll drop you all off at your individual houses on opposite ends of the city oh look i mean i think it's like you know staying awake it's like it's in your best interest just keep this other person away yeah totally yeah yeah yeah anyway yeah anyway that's that's how

that works but um getting back to um the thing that you gave that very subtle clue about, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, you can keep this car on the road. You can keep our eyes awake. You can keep our hands on the wheel if you chuck money our way. Exactly. You people who chip in, you're in the back seat. You're staying awake.

You've got your knees in the back of the seat Keeping us awake Being annoying You're asking us Like funny hypotheticals Like would you ever Would you rather like Suck off your dad Or growl at your mum

Yes Keeping our brains active While we're driving Yep Everyone who's not Chipping into the Patreon They're in the passenger seat They've got the little

You know the little You've fashioned the pillow Out of the seatbelt Yep You've got like a little Cushion nuzzled on there Yep You're out for the count

Got the heater flat out Yep And you're insisting the pillow out of the seatbelt. You've got like a little cushion nuzzled on there. You're out for the count. Got the heater flat out. You're insisting that it's too cold in the car. Don't put your window down. Turn the radio off. I'm trying to catch up on a bit of sleep. That's what you're doing, you bloody freeloaders. But the rest of you, you are keeping us on the road.

You are making sure we don't fall asleep. You are like the little bumps on the side of you, you are keeping us on the road. You are making sure we don't fall asleep. You are like the little bumps on the side of the road. If you're swerving off and it goes, that's you. Yep. That's you. That's you, all right. You're the road. Yeah. You're the bumpy road.

Thank you to everyone. Thank you to everyone who's ever given us any money in any way. But in particular, let's really zero in on a few people this week. Yeah. in any way, but in particular, let's really zero in on a few people this week. Yeah. On some people that have been subscribed for a while, have built up a little, a nice little, what would you call it,

a little nest egg for us to some degree. Thank you very much to first cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Troy Montebello. Okay. Yeah. All right. Do you ever think In your wildest dreams That someday You would have someone

With a name like Troy Montebello Giving you money To produce your art Monte Well I mean The name Montebello Does sound like

A very Like well to do name I never thought Growing up I would even know Someone with a name like that, let alone have them pay my bills. Montebello is a name that sounds very like patron of the arts.

What I'm trying to say is if he supports this, I reckon this guy's got a few of Hitler's paintings knocking around. Oh, really? I feel like we should be supporting this guy. He sounds more artistic than us really Troy Montebello yeah

wow I don't know Montebello it gives me real kind of dynasty right okay gives you a bit of

like some sort of old fat dude in a rocking chair yeah just like yep yep it's a bit of that

sending out a very you know probably not subscribing enough to be honest yeah someone loaded just going here's a few crumbs from the table. I mean, maybe like dynasty families are just on the brain because I watched the new succession last night. One more rep to go ever.

So I'm kind of like, I'm very in that mindset at the moment. So maybe that's, maybe I'm just projecting that onto Montebello. I think maybe my wife was watching that when I left. Really? Yeah. Yeah, nice. She watches it. I don't watch it.

It's a good show. I've never seen it. No, I have not gone near it. The Montebello, I'll tell you what, it's making me feel hungry. The Montebello? Sounds like good food. What would it be? Sounds like a ham.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Something from the deli yeah yeah yeah you know like you you ever go to like a um a sandwich place where they'll have like the deli meat sandwich and it's like mortadella stracciatella yeah mortadella yeah that's why i'm thinking that it sounds just like you know like the list of like once you get even further down into the some of the meats and you're like i I've got no idea what half of these are. This sounds fucking good. There's a very nice supermarket with a very specific, like a huge cheese section. Like they really, like it's in a pretty well-to-do area of town.

It's in between my in-laws and our place. Okay. And it's just inexplicably focused on cheese there's like a couple of full-time cheese people in this supermarket yeah that sounds awesome yeah it's great but like cheese is a bit like wine to me it's like it sounds interesting i want to be interested i just don't know any better so i go in there and just say to them give me some cheese i'll put this in a sandwich and they're like okay what do you like i'm like i don't know just fucking surprise me and so every week they'll just give me something similar to cheddar because they're like, you

probably can't handle this other stuff. I'm like, I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Yeah. Just give me something else interesting. Give me just $10 worth of cheese. Yeah. Maybe that's like a sprinkling of some of like the crazy blue aged shit that you've got.

Yeah. Or maybe it's like 10 kilos of some like bullshit. Yeah. They're like giving me rent they're giving me swiss cheese i'm like mate i've i have access to woolworths i've tried that before give me something else trust me i can trust me with your cheese i know the differences between like enough of like the different types of cheese but when you're really getting into like the aging it like the difference between like a 24-month aged this

versus like a just whatever. There I would struggle to tell. I'd struggle to tell you the difference. Fuck, I know, yeah. I know very little about any of that stuff. I'd like to, but, you know, the stuff I know is, you know, I can tell you what year a Liverpool shirt came from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the last 30 years, 40 years. But, yeah, I don't know the difference between that that stuff like even when you go to a steak restaurant do you want the 24 24 month age 36 i'm like what's that mean yeah is it is fresher better yeah or is steak like wine what the fuck does this mean yeah i i'm feeling i've been feeling like a fancy cunt in the last few years because i'm now buying the parmigiano reggiano the like block of cheese and grating that over my pasta oh instead of just getting the fucking green tube of parmesan the chia cheese yeah they're like no no they're like the green they're like powder craft singles and grating them up over your yeah yeah just melting them on like that yeah getting like the

actual like a good type of cheese that they'd use at a restaurant. Right. I feel like a Rockefeller now. Yeah. Just because I'm not using that powdered shit that lasts for like eight years in the fridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still chasing. Remember when we did a show in New York, a live podcast in New York?

Yep. And on the way there, I stopped and it was in Brooklyn? No. Not Brooklyn. Where was it? The show was in Brooklyn. Peter's... No.

Was it in Brooklyn? Yeah. It was. Okay. We're in Brooklyn. I stopped on the way, went into a random deli and got them to make me a sandwich. And it was the best sandwich I'd ever had. Okay.

And it was full of... I don't even know what the cheese was. Okay. But it fucking killed me. Okay. It was Full of I don't even know What the cheese was Okay But it fucking Killed me Okay It was so good And I'm still chasing

I got no idea What the cheese was I'm still chasing that cheese And a sandwich As good as that You can't remember Like vaguely What the

Did the sandwich Have a Like a Like a name Because you know Often they'll have Like a thing Where it's like

Anytime you make that sandwich You're making it With the same sorts of cheese Nah I was just Like again I was just Hey again I was just hey man

fucking knock my socks off do like you one of those places that's like okay they know what they're doing they got all this fucking shit all around them this is your job

you're not some like you know checkout chick or whatever that's like that's just you just come in you open the till and you close it

and that's it it's like these people knew what the fuck they were doing you tell me give me fucking something good yeah I wonder but no idea what the fuck it was I wonder if it was like would it. It's like, these people knew what the fuck they were doing. You tell me, give me fucking something good. Yeah, I wonder. But no idea what the fuck it was.

I wonder if it was like, would it have been maybe like buffalo mozzarella? Like sliced? It could well have been. Yeah. You need to keep a checklist of all the cheeses

you've been having. Do you like when people like are allergic to something but they don't know what and they have to do like the exclusion diet? You just need to do that with cheese.

So be like, all right, what's this? You're at a pizza place and So be like, all right, what's this? You're at a pizza place and you're like, all right, well, this cheese that's on the pizza definitely wasn't that and you're getting the guy over and you're like, I just need to know the exact brand and type of cheese that you put on there. So you write that down and then slowly you're able to like narrow it down.

This is the where's Wally of cheese. Yeah, it is. Or you could get on Google Maps, try and walk backwards from the venue in New York. like narrow it down just this is hey this is the where's wally of cheese yeah it is right or you could get on google maps try and walk backwards from the venue in new york that's a great idea call them up that's a great idea put the 40 digits into your phone that's a great idea this is a collect call from hawthorne australia hey you might not remember me but six years ago i came in and got a sandwich at about i don don't know, four o'clock on a Monday. If it helps jog your memory, it was before a live podcast.

Yes. It was after 9-11. I was wearing a Make America Great Again t-shirt. I can't remember the year. I was too. It was after 9-11. That would stick out. After 9-11, but before COVID, if that narrows it down at all.

Yeah, yeah. And I asked for a sandwich and I said, you choose the cheese. Now, I mean, if you don't, let me know if you don't remember just from those clues alone. And I can try and jog my own memory a little bit more. But I feel like I've given you plenty. Genuinely, I do feel like there's a certain sort of deli owner that an Australian person coming in and going, you choose the cheese. Yeah, yeah. Probably would stick out to them seven years later. It was raining as well, if that helps.

I reckon that, because I also think if you could find that place, or even just, look, anyone who is listening who lives in New York and is familiar with the sandwich deli system there, I don't reckon they're keeping too many different types of cheese on deck. Okay. So I really reckon you would be narrowing it down to like maybe like three types of cheese potentially. Yeah, okay.

Like they're not giving you feta. They're not giving you like halloumi or saganaki. Yeah. You're talking like, you're talking probably like some Swiss, some cheddar or some like buffalo mozzarella. I reckon now that you've said buffalo mozzarella, like that rings a bell. I reckon go to the supermarket, get it in like, you know, the big block that you can get of it.

Not grated like the block. Just cut off a slice of that. Yeah. And see how you go with that. All right. That could be it. I'm bringing it to the guy next week. Yeah.

Yeah. I like to go in there and yeah, I'm going to sound like a real expert instead of just going, what's a cheese? Yeah. Gimme, gimme. I don't know what a cheese is. You tell me what a cheese is. Well, this is how you really test this fancy cheese counter. They go, what do you want?

You go, give me the kind of cheese that they might have at a deli in New York. In Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah. Give me the sort of cheese that they might serve you before a live podcast in Brooklyn and New York in, say, 2016 or 17-ish. It's raining, too. It's raining. And also, you're about half an hour off getting to the pub, spilling a big drop of beer on

your laptop. That's right. And it's absolutely not working anymore. Yep. So, again, if that helps, I've given you all the details. I'm pretty dry of details now. And he's going to go, say no more. Yeah.

Buffalo mozzarella coming right up. Boom. All right. Well, thanks, Montebello. Thanks, Monte. Thanks, Montebello. Fuck, that was a good one. It's hard to imagine any of however many more of these we do being half as good as that.

What if I get there and it's like, oh, I got it. Montebello cheese. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. This is great. This guy was trying to tell you. He works at the deli. Yes.

It's meant to be. I'm meant to have the second best sandwich I've ever had in my life again. Yeah. Thank you very much to Troy Montebello, but thank you now to second cab off the rank. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Scott Woodford. Hmm. Okay. Yeah.

The inventor of the Woodford Folk Festival. Yeah. Never been. Heard good things. Yeah. Heard very good things from people who are into that sort of thing. Yep. Which has just convinced me further that I would not like to go there because I'm not

into the same things those people are into. Sounds fun. Camping for a few days. The vibe sounds good. Any of those kinds of festivals where it's like they really have managed to keep it still pretty chill. So what is it? Is it in New South Wales? Is it Queensland?

I think it's Queensland. It's like five or six. It's pretty long. It might even be like a week or so. There's a lot of hippies. There's a lot of hippies. That sort of thing. It's like music and arts and big big focus on yeah not so much just

the music but like a lot of yeah so comedy's there and then just a bunch of i don't know probably fucking juggling and god knows what else yeah but um people say it's a fun it's a fun hang out big covid tent there for injections pretty pretty quiet there i'd imagine yeah that's a good that's the space where you can go and chill out if you're having sensory issues uh it's uh and yeah it's like over new year's eve that's the that's the place where you're gonna do your shopping every tuesday at 10 a.m or whatever if you don't like it being noisy yep yep yep great um so this guy could be could be the guy well i mean no it's named after the place that it's at but maybe this could be named after him maybe the place was named after him yeah

exactly maybe he owns that town that would be good if you just you know sometimes you see that in the news where it's like oh you can buy a town yeah

like cool okay well I'm moving in calling it Chandler you know that's what this guy could have done yeah like what's to stop someone from naming a town

can you do that these days I wonder if can you rename a town or he went to the Woodford Folk Festival loved it so much Someone from naming a town. Can you do that these days? I wonder if... Can you rename a town? Or he went to the Woodford Folk Festival, loved it so much that he went... I'm changing my name. Maybe this is just... A bit like me naming myself after that fancy French wine that my dad loves. Yes.

Maybe this is like Johnny Knoxville, you know? Yeah. Scotty Woodford. Yep. This is the guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like... This guy's the king of the Woodford Folk Festival and he's just known as Scotty Woodford yep this is the guy yeah yeah just like he's this guy's the king of the Woodford Folk Festival and he's just he's just known as Scotty Woodford now well at like

at the Meredith Music Festival famously they have a nudie run every year yeah so I wonder if they do the same thing at Woodford and if you win

I put clothes on if you win the prize is you get to have the surname Woodford for the following year no one else and then you come back next year oh that's the green jacket and you defend to have the surname Woodford for the following year. No one else. And then you come back next year.

Oh, that's the green jacket. And defend your title. Right. As Woodford. You get to be named after the festival for a year. You get the honour. What a great prize. You get the honour of being the only person in the country who's allowed to have the surname of Woodford.

You get to hit up the passport office and go, good news, guys. I've got two alterations for you. I'm going to keep you on your toes this year yep uh no they do that all for you that's the prize they're doing the license they're doing the passport all your bills and all that stuff and then when you if you lose the next year they change it all back for you it all gets taken out of your hand you literally you win the nudie run you wake up the next day and you've just got a whole new life i've i just had to i said to change i had to get a new credit card the other day uh looked at some some details on the uh on the visa bill and went i

don't think i did those oh really so i had to change it over and then a day later looked at the other visa card i've got went a couple of questionable purchases there as well. And I'm such a fucking pain in the ass. So then I was on the phone to cancel the second one and then went, actually, I reckon I could figure out what those purchases are after all. Yeah, I knew where this was going. And then just got off the phone and then started looking at the questionable ones from the first credit card and went, are they, could I, i are they so now i'm just waiting to find out this is the problem you always think but every fucking thing you go to now they're trading under some yes ridiculous bullshit name and they put through the things at like 3 30 a.m and i'm like

oh i didn't buy anything at 3 30 a.m yeah a cut like a cafe is never just on there as the name of the cafe. It's always some... So yeah, the number of times I've gone through and been like, oh my god, these people have had a fucking field day. And then it's like, oh no, oh yeah, hang on. Hang on, McDonald's? Okay, that rings a bell. I've just been calling it Donnie's for so long.

I forgot that's what it was called. I had that sign at the front that just says Macca's now I didn't know that's what it was really called But then don't you feel like a detective when you're like If it's something that's like a very specific amount And for whatever reason you remember you're like Oh yeah I bought that thing that was $43.50 at that shop And then it's like that unlocks the whole like puzzle

And you go backwards and you're like I've solved the case of the missing transactions. That's what I did yesterday. I just went, oh, my God. There was two transactions for the second credit card. I'm like, no, this is fucked. The jig's up. And then it's taken me half an hour to go, oh, yeah, that's what it is.

Because it looked like sometimes when the fake transactions, they'll just name themselves after something that you would normally use. That's what's is. Because it looked like, you know, sometimes when the fake transactions, they'll just name themselves after something that you would normally use. Like that's what's happened last time. Last time I cancelled a cart was because I was subscribed to, you know, Amazon Prime or something like that. Oh, yeah, okay. I actually didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because I picked it up and I was like, hang on, I don't fucking, I don't, you know, I know you've just rolled the dice here, but I don't subscribe to Amazon Prime, let alone Prime. So I was like, oh, there you go. So they're just hiding under a name. So I got one of them with Apple. I'm like, I've never fucking purchased anything from Apple worth $89. I've got them this time.

This is a fake Apple. Boom. And then I'm on the phone. I'm like, oh, yeah, actually, no, that's my yearly Microsoft Word charge. Oh, God. See, this is actually making me think about it must be hell working at the bank. Yes. Can you imagine how many of these calls they get

and the percentage that are actually fraudulent transactions must be single digits? Absolutely. Absolutely. fraudulent transactions absolutely must be single digits absolutely i'm i'm yeah i'm not looking forward to the first card coming back and then going yeah so we got a new card but now you've got these two companies arguing going you we've you've got our product now you're trying to fucking not pay us what the fuck is going on yeah yeah so anyway um scott woodford thanks well we think

yeah maybe this guy's trying to scam us oh by pretending to be the Woodford Folk Festival oh and we go

hey look you know what don't worry about it you put on a great festival is there a way someone can scam Patreon and get in there and not pay

still get their name read out and then get out of there is there a way that that can happen I don't know that would be cool maybe that would be happen i don't know that would be

cool maybe that would be great i don't know that that'd be cool well that'd be funny for some to use their scamming yeah that's true for that reason someone to bother yeah yeah and then just ring us up and go sorry boys you've been had you just read my name out and i didn't pay you a cent yeah well scotty woodford if that's you, you got us. Thanks, Scotty. Thanks, Scotty. Or no thanks, Scotty. Let us know.

Naughty Scotty. Yeah. Don't do it again. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Brad Hiscock. H-I-S-C-O-C-K. Okay. Okay.

Yep. What do you think about this? What do I think about this? The full name is, like it's a sentence, like it's a request. Can you please Brad his cock? Right. It's almost like braid his cock. Bradley his cock. Can you braid his cock?

Can you get the pubes and just make a fancy little hairdo out of him? Can you braid his cock? Can you make his cock look like Stevie Wonder in the late 70s? Yeah. Can you make his cock look like it's in Bali on holiday? Yes, yes. Can you do that? Yes, we can.

Can you put a tiny little pair of fake... Oh, is this an instruction to you about me? Oh, right, maybe. Braid his cock. Yeah. Can you put a little fake pair of Beats headphones on the top of his cock? Yeah. Now, do we think...

Is this an actual person's name? I believe it is. Okay. Yeah. I think it would be sillier if it wasn't. Boy, that must be some life. Yeah. Brad, he's cock.

You'd constantly... Surely... Are you saying the S is silent? Oh. You know, you're a high cock. But even that, you've got cock on there. You know, you're trapped.

Yeah. Oh, actually... Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, there's plenty here. Because this guy scammed us. No, no, no, there's plenty. It's just the first, when I searched that, the first result that comes up is Brad Hancock. And it's like, no, no, I didn't say that.

Yeah. And then there's like fucking 15 results below that that says Brad Hiscock. I was like, why didn't you put them first? Is it on... Oh, right, this is on Facebook. Yes. Yeah, yeah, right.

Sorry, sorry. I thought this was all on Patreon. No. We had that many. No. No. All right. Is he in the Millionaire Club?

Is he in the Facebook group? Let's have a look. Let's have a look. Hiscock. Bradley. Here, Bradley. No, he's not a look. Let's have a look. Here's Kirk. Bradley. Here, Bradley. No, he's not in there. He's not in there.

What a wasted opportunity. Damn. Yeah. Use the full extent of the license here. I feel like we're not. Now that I think about it, it feels like a very, very long time since we have had a listener that we've read out on here then contact us in the Millionaire Group and be like, you know, comment on the read that we had of their name.

I feel like there was a period where people were checking in pretty regularly. Yeah, I think it's rare. I feel like we haven't heard from people for a little while now. I think we had one or two recently. I think so. Okay. Probably not as frequent as it was, but maybe we're doing our job worse and there's less to say thank you.

That's true. But I mean, like, yeah, it's like someone like this, like you have to wonder like, because we often will get that. It's like, oh, I'm a bit delayed in listening to the episodes. I only just got around to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I wonder. I mean, a lot of these people that we read out, like, it could just be a thing where they're like they're still subscribed they're just you know

they're getting the thing every month and being like i really got to cancel that they're not listening give them any they're not listening they'll never hear this well maybe he's just not looking forward to hearing what we do with his cock yeah that's true or he's known yeah yeah um it is a very specific like you know brad cock i can understand that more than brad his cock his cock it's like well yeah we weren't thinking it was brad her cock were we i guess like if you're that is like a tougher name to have if you're a lady as a surname his cock that would be great if you got married to brad and then you change your name to her cock yeah a real his and her relationship yeah bradley his cock and brianna her puss yeah now that's a name that doesn't exist yeah you well I hope it does. That would be good. Herpuss. Herpuss. There we go.

Get onto Google. Let's have a look. Herpuss. Safe search off. Yeah. Herpuss. I'm just on Facebook. Oh, okay.

No, it's not looking good. Damn. What about Hermort? Oh, Hermort. That would exist. Can you actually Google, is there anyone called Hermort? Yeah. I don't think you...

See, this is now where I miss the white pages. This is where you miss the phone book. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's hard to... There's no internet phone book, is there? Once upon a time, we'd be... I don't know what we'd be doing this for if it's in the era of white pages and podcasting somehow exists, but let's pretend that's the reality.

We'd be sitting here. White pages would be right there, pride of place on my desk. I'd be needing it at a moment's notice. I'd just be able to grab it. We'd solve this within three seconds. It would be great to then ring up Brad Hiscock straight away. Right. So hang on.

So then what's the segment here? Are we still – we've gotten these people's money in the post. Yes. And we're then looking them up or are we just sitting here thinking of funny names, looking them up in the phone book and then calling them? Imagine being called Johnny Gay and then just getting him on the line and going like, ah-ha. Yes. Yes.

We would be recording prank calls. Right. And then sending them. For no money. Yeah. At 10 o'clock at night. Yep. But we're still, I don't know.

What are we recording it for? Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out now. Do we have some sort of subscription? I guess it's just community radio. I guess the equivalent is this, is that. We're on some community radio. Right. We're ringing up people with weird names.

Yeah. We're saying something funny about it. And then we're saying at the end, by the way, can you please give us some money? Yeah. Yeah. Because this is all we have. Yeah. yeah and also we can't keep ringing people up yeah and insulting their names if you don't give us money after and this gear that we're recording this on the at the time period that we're doing this the equivalent of this gear costs us ten thousand dollars to own yeah and we and it's only going out to truckers. Yeah. We're on the CB.

Well, I mean, yeah, some things are kind of similar. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That's the one thing that's exactly the same. Heavy truck driver audience. Do the truckers still use that same system? Do they still have – is that a possible thing to be on?

Can you still be on the – I have no idea. On the CB? The CB. Yeah, is that still a thing or not? Or does the cb just have its own podcast now yeah that's see that's an interesting question surely we can get an answer from people we do have we do have truck driver um listeners so let us know is there still the cb radio and if so can we do a full show on there one day yeah get us in as a guest yep yep instead

of like we'll do the prank call show. We can have a little... The CB. Yeah, it'll be like a little show where... It'll be like a proper radio show. Instead of like weather reports, you can pop in... The comedy report. Normal people can pop in with like where the cops are hanging out with speed cameras and whatever, all that sort of thing.

We'll be... Best roadside public toilet for a good suck. Yes. Best roadside burgers, stuff like that. That would be my honor to be part of something like that. Being the equivalent of content speed. Exactly. Just keeping you guys awake as you're driving from fucking Dubbo to Adelaide on an over-niner.

You know what the show could be called? And again, this is another great visual design opportunity. You know what the show could be called? And again, this is another great visual design opportunity. We sort of mock it up to look like the logo from the packet of No-Dos. Oh, yeah. We call it No Comedy. Oh, yeah. Great.

All right. Yeah. No good. No good. Yeah, there you go. No good. It's one of the Photoshop design boffins that this can get on that. Yes.

Thanks, Brad Hiscock. Thanks, Cocko. I hope someone did Brad your cock, if that's good. If you're into that sort of thing. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Simon Burke. Simon Burke. Yeah. Sorry, I just had a big sip of water.

Big swig. Yeah. B-U-R-K-E. Okay. As in Burke and Wills. Yeah. Sorry, I just had a big sip of water. Big swig. Yeah. B-U-R-K-E. Okay. As in Burke and Wills? Yeah. As in the famous Australian explorers? Yeah.

But unfortunately, I don't know if you, spoilers if you haven't heard, but they didn't come back. Oh, right. Yeah. So if you're still halfway through binging the show. Yeah. Binging, if you're halfway through binging the show. Yeah. Binging. If you're halfway through binging the Wikipedia entry. The Amazing Adventures of Burke and Wills.

Yeah. They didn't. It finishes like that. So you think this guy is still waiting for his dad to come back. He said, oh, I'm just going exploring for cigarettes. Yes. And I'll be back. Yes.

And then we'll go camping. Yeah. Fuck, do people still do that? Did dad still go out for cigarettes? Well, more like Did that ever like legitimately, genuinely happen? I am going to go to the shop and get some cigarettes And then it's gone forever

I've been reading missing people stories lately And they're still the same They're still the classics They're still, you know, that sort of thing There's still people going out for a walk And people going to the shops and they don't come back. Fuck. It's pretty scary. It is.

Yeah. I don't get into any of that true crime stuff or anything like that. But only because I haven't given it a go. I'm sure I get sucked in. But I just read a couple of news reports the other day and I was like, fucking hell. Yeah. I watched. I didn't watch. I was on. I saw on Twitter today, it was like trending,

Madeleine McCann. I was like, oh, here we go. Because you always think like, it's crazy to me to think about the possibility that like, I know this is like very unlikely, but in our lifetime, we could just, we could see her reemerge. You know, it's unlikely but you know whatever but i mean look it's we saw a couple in the last what five years we had a couple of crackers that people that were kids that were gone for like fucking 15 years or whatever yeah and then popped up exactly fully grown it's exciting to just think like hold on to that hope about like the

possibility of just like yeah one day you flick sometimes they turn up and it and with that particular story like every few years did you see that thing like at the start of the year there was that like there was that woman i can't remember what part of the world she was in she's like i reckon i'm madeline oh yeah man that's bad and her mom and dad are like can you stop saying that can you please not do this yeah let's just really make it at heart all over again yeah and i very distinctly remember pushing you out of my cunt and for you to erase that yeah they go they go oj style fine then get her back up there if the child doesn't fit but yeah just clicking the trending thing on and it. There was just like nothing to it. But for a brief second, I was like, oh, this may be broken.

That'd be exciting to be sitting here on Twitter and see live it happening. She's turned up. They do the DNA test. She back. Yeah. No, I don't think we... I'm sorry. I don't think it's going to happen.

But yeah, it's probably the best story that you can hear when things go right and someone comes back. Yeah. It's always fucking weird as well. It's always like, because you kind of think, because these kids never know they're missing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just live in their own life and then go,

oh, okay, is this what happened? People are looking for me. Fucking hell. Which is almost like just as hard all over again. Being like, no, no, you have to go back. That's your old life over there. You have to go there now. It's like, that's scary and unfamiliar to me.

You know who you think your mother is, the most important thing in your life or whatever? She's a fucking criminal and she's going to jail now. What she did is very bad. What you thought was good was the opposite of that yeah anyway now you have to go live with these people who are basically strangers yes yay everyone's happy oh and also you didn't you haven't known this for the last 20 years but you're famous yeah yeah it's a real good news story yeah you've made a lot of people you've never met and who've never met you very happy.

Everyone's very happy except for you, essentially. You've given the general public a little bit of a dopamine hit for about, I don't know, 10 seconds. Yep. And then they've gone on to the next Daily Mail article. There's really two losers here. You and your people who you thought were your parents who are going to jail. Yeah.

But everyone else in the world, very happy. Yes. Now, don't be selfish. Case closed. We've fixed this. Now, don't be selfish. Case closed. We fixed this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, Simon Burke, that's you somehow.

I don't know. I don't know why, but I think that's you. Oh, the explorer. He went missing. Yes. And he's turned up. Now, that would be good. If you're an explorer, you're you're 38 you go missing and then you

you just come back they find you they find you they find you at 72 like oh I thought my name was actually fucking Kenny Jones

but no no no your parents have been worried sick you have to go back and live with them again yeah I'm 80 in the nursing home

oh I have to go live with my 100 year old dad well that's fine I'm 80 they're 100 we can both fit in. Well, that's fine. I'm 80. They're 100. We can both fit in the same home. That's cool. This is all right.

Nice little coda to the end of my life. I mean, your dad would have been worried if he hadn't got Alzheimer's 30 years ago and doesn't know what the fuck is going on. Hey, yet again, another happy ending for the missing person squad. Slap my hands together. That is a good... That's a good funny fella's recurring sketch, The Missing Person Squad.

Yeah. And just everyone they find, they make their lives infinitely worse by returning them to where they were. Yes. Yeah. Just Missing Person Squad. Yeah, you normally actually use this for ex-girlfriends

that are very happy in their life. They haven't... They're not really missing to anyone except for you. They're not really missing persons if they deleted you off Facebook. I'm really worried. You're looking for the dumped people squad. That's what you want. I'm really worried I haven't seen my girlfriend in seven years.

Well, ex-girlfriend, but, you know, once upon a time. Yeah, that's funny because we just rang her then. She's fine. She's doing Thanks, girlfriend. But, you know, once upon a time. Yeah. That's funny because we just rang her then. She's fine. She's doing great, actually. Actually, a guy answered. He sounded really cool. He sounded hot. No!

Just a missing to you squad. Missing to you people squad. Yeah. Simon Burke. We've done it. Yeah. Thank you, Simon. All right. Well, look, this is a good talking dumb dumb is it nearly bedtime it is this has gone longer than i thought i was

really going to come over and say let's do half an hour that's it let's get the fuck out of here i'm going it's now 11 o'clock i need to go home i got work in the morning i gotta wake up yep um i hadn't seen my child for four days so my child was very happy to see me. We had to play all sorts of games. Yep. Tonight, including ones where she, we had a magic wand that was a pencil, and that turned her into all sorts of different animals, and we had to play the game until she turned back into Blanket.

Yep. Except she didn't realise that I was getting more and more over the game. Okay. And I just wanted her to turn back into Blanket. Yep. Except she didn't realise that I was getting more and more over the game. Okay. And I just wanted her to turn back into Blanket. But we just had to keep doing the rounds and do all the whatever animals that she could do impressions of. Yep. So you're tired.

We're both tired. It's late. Yep. It's time for us to go to bed. Yes. And so I've got a bit of a look at who the... We'll just do one more name. Oh, okay.

I've got... There's one more name that's come along. Oh, you're going to do it. Okay, sure. Given that it's time for you and I to go to bed. Right. So fifth name for this week. Yes.

Fat Cat Comedy. Right. What? Why? Okay, maybe I'll tweak it. Prime Possum Comedy. There we go. Is that the one that tells you to go to sleep?

Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, right. That'll do. Fat Cat's the Perth equivalent. Is it? Yeah. Did Fat tells you to go to sleep? Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, right. That'll do. Fat Cat's the Perth equivalent. Is it? Yeah.

Did Fat Cat do that in Perth? Yeah. Ah, okay. Right. Well, if this show ever, if this podcast ever makes it to Perth, we'll, the Perth, actually, sorry, I mean, we send out different copies of this podcast to the different states of Australia. And so you'll have to edit that back in for Fat Cat Comedy

so it relates to people in Perth. There's like when you get to regional Victoria, this is like the little dum-dum club win. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, you know, when we mention potato cakes on this show,

we have to turn it. We have to re-record the whole thing. We have to re-record for Potato Scouts for the people in New South Wales and stuff like that. But anyway, Prime Possum. There's a lot of different versions going out. Prime Possum Comedy. We have to do a version that's half an hour behind in Adelaide as well. Prime Possum Comedy, he's coming on the podcast Airwaves.

Okay. He's telling all the little boys and girls that it's time to stop doing comedy. He's really telling the hosts that it's time to stop. A lot of people... No one told them that it was time to start, so he needn't have worried. A lot of people told us to stop by just putting their earbuds out of their ears

and listening to something else. Well, thanks Prime Possum Comedy, and thanks everyone. Thanks all the good little boys and girls Who support the Little Dumb Dumb Club On Patreon Yes Dot com

Slash Little Dumb Dumb Club Thank you very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mates No no Shh Shh Shh