The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 660 - Live! Ross Noble, Peter Helliar & Lawrence Mooney

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

We're back in Brisbane for the first of our big double live episodes with ROSS NOBLE, LAWRENCE MOONEY and PETER HELLIAR! Things get loose right from the jump as a listener hands us prescription medication and we do our best to end the careers of all of our guests. Lawrence has done a gig for the beef association, Ross owns a tank, and Pete's begging to go back into the jungle. PLUS we try to bait Mooney into teeing off about a list of the Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time and learn way too much about giraffes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Brisbane with guests Peter Hellier, Lawrence Mooney and Ross Noble. Wow. What a line-up. If you want to support the show, you can do that. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club. Chip in. You get a bonus couple of little mini fun episodes every week. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb.

But hey, until then, enjoy this raucous new episode live from the outpost in Brisbane with Lawrence Mooney, Peter Hellyer and Ross Noble. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week live in Brisbane. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. I'm with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Yes!

We are here at the Outpost in beautiful Fortitude Valley, Brisbane. Lovely venue. Shame it's going to be closed down within the next year because we've been here and brought the dum-dum Brisbane curse upon it. Yes. No, it's beautiful. It's slightly chilly. What do you think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strong start. Everyone tell us your body temp right now We'll go around the room We'll literally take The temperature of the room Mate Before we start doing comedy

I flew up here I had two hours on the plane To think of how I was Going to start the gig And that's what I chose So Going up to the bar staff Make it really cold

So that I've got an opener We were setting up And while we were in here Someone who'd been doing A show in here last night, I think from a band or something, came in because they'd left something backstage and they were being shown around and they were like, oh, it looks all different here set up with all the seats like this.

This is cool. What's the show that's on here this afternoon? And I heard someone from the venue go, I don't really know. I think it's some kind of high school musical. Yes. Yes. Yes. Great. Yeah, it's high school musical. Yes. Yes. Yes. Great.

Yeah, it's high school something. That's for sure. Tommy and the Technicolor Dream Cunt. All right. That is... There we go. I still think, are you guys cold is better,

but whatever. That's... You know what? Literally last night, I had someone come up to me and go, this is what they literally go, they come up and quite condescendingly just look at me and go, hey, aren't you that little dum-dum fellow? And I go, I guess I am. And he goes, hmm, good for you. Yeah.

I think he's kind of gotten you confused with me because I think of myself, I think I'm more of a fella than you. Okay. You know, I'm more of a little fella. No, I think you're a fellow and I think I'm a fella. Okay, yeah. What do you guys think? Follow-up question to what's your body temperature right now.

Which one of us is a fellow and which is a fella? Yes? Done. Okay, great. You're free to leave now, man. Hang on, you said you answered, we said aren't you a bit cold and you said 37 degrees. That's not the answer to that question.

No, I asked what his body temperature was. I love the idea of a man who literally for whatever reason took his temperature on the way in here. He's Okay. I love the idea of a man who literally, like, for whatever reason, like, took his temperature on the way in here. Yeah. He's like, I can't believe this has come up. How did you... Because your hand went straight up.

How did you take your temperature? Have you got a thermometer up your ass right now? What's... Would you like one? Right. Except for the thermometer bit. Yeah. Yeah, nice.

Do you guys have that up here? Anyway. Yeah. Hey, should I round up? Man, this is a real new thing for us. People bring presents every time we do a fucking show. So do we want to do a round up

of the presents I've been given? Yeah, sure. While we... Did someone chop up a couch and make them into five different chairs? Is this what's happening? That's what we've got tonight. What have you got?

You've got a suite of gifts from people before the show? Yeah. Alright, well, this is what we've got today. What have you got? You've got a suite of gifts from people before the show. Yeah. Alright, well, this is what we've got today. We've got three gifts. Someone gave me an ostentatious album,

so cheers. So let's round that up. That's one sale he's made in the last ten years. Someone else gave us, and I don't know what security's like in this joint, but we got a couple of big fucking knives.

Yeah, okay. Which, that does regularly happen in our shows, people bringing weapons, but... Yeah, what is the implication here? Well, you two should kill yourselves, and it's crazy that it hasn't happened yet. And I have to think that the reason for that is you just don't have the required tools.

You're too dumb to buy the fucking knife. Okay, alright. And most importantly, someone came up and said, I don't have any valium, but you can have these things. They don't do the same job.

They just get you off your fucking head. Oh, okay. Well, you could overdose on them. So another way of killing ourselves. Great. They're more like opium.

So thanks for that. Plexia, for killing ourselves. Great. They're more like opium. So thanks for that. Plexia, for anyone interested. Yeah, opium or nopium? Like, never mind. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I'll be doing this. From before. Yeah.

Apparently these work straight away. So if anyone wants to... Do you want to have a crack at this? No, you wouldn't take... Not particularly. I mean, who knows what they are? Someone just said Plexia. I haven't looked that up. Yeah, what's Plexia? Do we have any

pharmacists in the house? This young fella in the front row. The double thumbs up. This is the guy from Toowoomba, so he knows he's narcotic, so... What's it do? What's the effect? What will I do with these knives if's the effect? what will I do with these knives

if I take it? what will I do with these knives if I have polexia? not much okay stare at them alright

okay I don't know how's this show going? it's hard to tell are people too cold? maybe now they're too hot no it's warmed up we got a

hey we got a message during the week on our Instagram that I enjoyed. It was from a listener that said, Hey, mate, three and a half years ago, I swiped right on a guy on Tinder because in one picture he looked like Tommy Dasolo. Nice and harmless. Well...

Hey, I think you're glossing over that line. Swiped right on a guy that looked like Tommy Daslow. What was the description? Nice and harmless. Nice and harmless? Yeah. That's Tommy Daslow. Is that what you want on your gravestone?

Yeah. I'm not. I want cool and harmful. Yeah, rude and harmful. Yeah, cool. That's something to strive for Well, we got married on the weekend Thanks Tommy Dan thanked Tommy in his speech too

About three people in the room appreciated it Bigger strike rate than I'm used to getting with my comedy So, anyway, we got a screenshot of a Tinder page And I printed it off. So there we go. There's the nice and harmless man himself. Yeah, right. That's great that she wanted to fuck you and then just married this cunt instead. Yeah, do you reckon they're role playing?

I reckon you could still fuck her, honestly. Thanks, man. I'm glad someone else said it because that was I did look at the message and have that drafted as a response like I'm down for a poke if you want

because I did go deep on her details and I was like I'd love to I did go deep on her page and go fuck why wasn't she

looking for someone to look like me okay alright fuck disappointing alright okay she was okay she was alright she was good it's you've done well looking for someone to look like me. Okay, all right. Fuck disappointing. All right, okay. She was okay. She was all right.

She was good. You've done well not fucking someone who tried to fuck you but didn't. Yeah. So you're saying you would fuck this woman that's married to a man that looks like me? Yes. I'm sort of more attracted to him, so that's fine.

You can have it you what so your dream is to fuck yourself is that what's happening here yeah right okay well I've got these knives you can fuck yourself in some way

I mean there's so much self flagellation that goes on on this podcast already it'd just be nice to formalise it yes right by having my penis inside a man who looks exactly like me well why don't you

you should get on... Not so harmless now, am I? Why don't you get on Grindr, get an account and just look for people that look like you and literally try

and fuck yourself? Oh, yeah. Imagine if I did that. Well, this guy's off the market. You can't fuck fake Tommy Daslo now. You're going to have to fuck another fake one.

Mm. Yeah. I'm so lost. Yeah. I feel like I'm in the multiverse. Yes. Oh. Yeah, how is it going?

What? Yeah. It's really hard. It's hard to tell up here. I tried to change the temperature, and then I was like, maybe it's the temperature that was wrong. It's like, nah, the temperature's different now, and things are the same. So, yeah.

Can we crank the AC back up? No. How you going, man? You still 37? 34. Fuck. We're losing him. This show's knocked three degrees off his fucking temperature. Okay, that's not good.

Should we get our guests out here? What do you think? Yeah. Absolutely. What I'd like to hear from the crowd is like, no, Should we get our guests out here? What do you think? Yeah, absolutely. What I'd like to hear from the crowd is like, no, we just love you guys so much. Why don't you keep doing comedy? No, bring him out. I think that's the guy that gave us the knives.

I kind of forgot. It's sort of always like this up here, isn't it? There's always a weird combative vibe up here in Brisbane. Yeah, I think people are freaked out because this is a very nice venue and they're like, this isn't like the barnyard I live in. Yeah. I walked out, I stepped out front of my hotel and there was a man just sitting there on the street.

He just vomited everywhere and I was like, oh, this is a bad moment. See you at the show. Everything is Rick. All right, let's get our guests out here. What do you think? It is, yes, I agree. Absolutely star-studded line-up this afternoon. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club,

Lawrence Mooney, Peter Hellyer, and Ross Nobos. Yes! Oh, there's the noise. There's the noise. Finally, some comedy. Guys, we're in a bit of a bind here. We need some help. Luckily, these guys were sitting in a stairwell

and answered the comedy signal. Thank you very much. That's nice. That's the guy who gave us knives. Yeah. I was big in Brisbane, man. How big? Massive.

2018. I should never have left. Yes, that's right. You were the? Massive. 2018. I should never have left. Yes, that's right. You were the morning radio host. Breakfast. Breakfast on Triple M. Who listened to Moon Man? Fuck you.

Oh, fuck. Did you see? There's a fuck yeah over there. That's emphatic. I think that was a fuck you. No, I think they got that out of their system with us earlier on. He's wearing a Nova hat. Fuck you.

Fuck you and your classic hits. Your guitar-driven rock. Yeah. Hello, Carl. Hello, Tom. Hello, Lawrence. Hello, Lawrence. Have you got any interest in any Plexia?

I got given three random miscellaneous drugs on the way in. So, you ever had any Plexia? I got given three random miscellaneous drugs on the way in. So, you ever had any Plexia? I love a random pharmaceutical. Yeah, yeah. You said yes before you heard

the name of it. That's right. Is it for, if you, hang on, wait, is that a drug for those people

who are perplexed? You just, you just look and you and going, it's a vending machine, but I'm not sure. Why are there crisps at that end? I'm going to need some perplexia. And you're taking it and going, oh yeah, the money goes there.

I'm struggling. I hate the crowd. Or drugs for people that want to become apoplectic. Oh? Apoplexia. Pete, any interest in taking part in the little dum-dum version of the Tucker trial?

Doing drugs on stage. If it's not pig's anus, I'm not interested. Yeah, plus you went into the jungle. What do you do with pig's anus? Is it something you eat or is there something else going on? I had avoided eating anus

my entire life and that was a choice. Hang on, so for people that don't watch TV anymore, you were in... Context is important here. I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. It wasn't just Tuesday night at Pete's house, yeah. Wednesdays.

Yeah, so I went to the jungle, and I had to eat pig's anus, and I had to eat fermented, orus and I had to eat fermented or drink fermented tofu. That was worse. Oh, tofu. Yeah. Look at me. Do you think I've had fucking tofu before?

I think you're about to get bashed for saying you ate tofu in Brisbane. Don't say it in Rockhampton. You'll get fucking bashed. I did Beef Expo up there and I said don't make fucking any jokes about beef, mate. And I went, so in the farming hierarchy,

who can I go for? And they went, fucking chicken farmers are pieces of shit. So I just got over and went, any chicken farmers here? Bunch of pedos. So I just got over and went, any chicken farmers here? Bunch of pedos. And they just went, you're alright, mate.

Is that the weakest meat? Chicken? I think it's, you don't, you know. What, beef, pork, chicken? Is that the hierarchy? You don't wear a big hat if you've got chickens in cages. Yeah, right.

You haven't got a four-wheel drive. What's strange, I did a gig for some pedos and they hate the chicken farmers. They fucking hate them. They hate them. Don't get them started. I didn't know the pedos were so organised they got a corporate speaker.

And one so old as well. I'm particular that the chicken farmer's over 16. They fucking hate those. That's weird because I turned down the gig to perform for Prince Andrew but I'm glad you took it up because we used to call it

the Royal Variety Performance and now it's just called the... Who would have known pedos are hiring performers that are in their 40s? No, I actually... I did their awards night and it's great. And the winner of the Golden Rolf goes to...

Walking around before the gig. Now, who's the pedo that you guys all make fun of? Yeah, he fucked a 16-year-old. Yuck! Yeah. There's Rolf, there's the guy from ACA. Hey, Dad, you can take your pick. Australian showbiz.

Jeez, we've gone hard early. Ten minutes in in Brisbane. We've gone quite factual as well. I mean, when it was in the abstract, it was fun and games, but as soon as we drifted into the actual... Hey, Dad, is that the... Don't name names ten minutes in, I reckon. By the way, if the person sitting next to you hasn't laughed in the last two minutes, they're a pedo. Especially if you remember your age.

I like the way you say that, because I would say a pedo, you say a pedo. I say pedo, yeah. But then there's the pedo... Let's call the whole thing off. You're too old. It's a beautiful song. If someone's singing, I say pedo, you say pedo. Pedo, pedo, pedo.

Fingered, your daughter. Good night, everybody. These are the conversations they wouldn't let me have on the project. I already feel bad because this is one of the episodes where I get three text messages after going, can you just cut 40 minutes out? What I was saying was the fact that I would say if I was going to go on a boating lake

and hire one of those little boats that you go like that with, I would say a pedalo. So when you go on it, you would ask for a pedalo. I'd ask for a pedalo straight away. Just like all the kids feeding the ducks are like, run, he's on the vehicle. I insist on the correct spelling of pedophile too, P-A-E. Not just, don't drop the vehicle. I insist on the correct spelling of pedophile too. P-A-E.

Not just... Don't drop the A. What, on your passport? Yeah, whatever. On my passenger car. Occupation. What do you do for a living? P-A-E.

D-O. Yeah, A before E except after fucking a kid. The kids need to learn how to spell. It's a real turn-off. That's not what they taught me at school. Well, here's a new thing I'm teaching you.

I think Pete's about to say, I'm a celebrity, get me the fuck back in there. Anything better than this. Pete, I interrupted your anus story. Your Pete's anus story yeah sorry Pete sorry Peto

hell yeah I mean Pete hell hell yeah oh my god yeah Peto what do the drugs what do the drugs do well

the the nice young lady told me though she said I was either going to give them to you or Fleety so that's a bad sign

are they like a Dexie are they or what are they I think they're they're sign. Are they like a Dexie, are they? I think they're... Who's on Dexies here? Just show, who's got ADHD and takes Dexies? Just a little wave. Dexies?

Ritalin, yeah. Basically, it's pharmaceutical speed, and you take it and it has no effect on you. You become a midnight runner. You've only got one hit in you. What are the side effects? Come on, Odie. It's like Viagra.

Dexys midnight runner, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. And yes, the side effect is you will come on a woman called Eileen. Yes, yes. So are they ADHD? I don't know whether they are ADHD. No, well, the young lady who gave them to me just said,

don't do what I did and take them to my mum's funeral. So is that what you said? Grandmother. Grandmother. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Completely different story. She'll come back to life.

Okay, so you were getting pissed and doing pills at your... Oh, I'll be the judge of that. Was it when you were slow dancing with the corpse of your nan? I've done a bad thing. Done a bad thing. Oh, Grandma Bernie. Bernadette.

Yeah. Wow, I thought this... So they're from you? Oh, Grandma Bernie. Bernadette. Wow. So they're from you, right? And what condition were these prescribed for? So they're a real painkiller. They're opioids, are they? This guy knows what he's talking about. Now let me guess, did you break your...

Works in 30 minutes and makes you properly monto. Did you get the broken tailbone? Were you dressed as a pig and bucking towards people? Stop shocking! Stop shocking! I'm going to need some Texas Midnight Ass Cream. That was in the Qantas lounge.

Help! I like that we've stumbled upon the mastermind specialty subject for every person in Brisbane. Just like, so many people in the room were like, ah, they're opioids. Yep. So, what is your expertise in the area? How do you know?

I knew someone who took the pretty bad rate. Oh, right, okay. So, you're not in the medical, you're not a doctor or a paramedic

or anything? No. I hope a doctor's not sitting front row at a fucking dumb podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody,

a lady over there, you had some expertise about this. What was yours? Welcome to Dr. Phil, yeah, yeah. Somebody, a lady over there, you had some expertise about this. What was yours? Welcome to Dr. Phil, by the way. Not as good as Endone.

Okay, all right. So you've left your Google reviews on whatever the fuck this is. You don't look like a massive junkie, I'll be

honest. But thanks for the advice. In what context, why have you taken these ones? Why is your tailbone fucked? She's a medical professional. You're a doctor. And does it say, you know when they have the warnings on it, does it say, do not take with dead nan?

Do not take on a podcast. Is there anything like that? Operate heavy, don't operate... Right. I can operate light machinery like this microphone. Yeah, right. I like that the lady who gave them to you has come in and she's like,

oh, this is so nice. I've got a little gift for Carl for the podcast. And then immediately another lady in the crowd, they're not as good as Endone. Yeah, yeah. Well, what did you fucking bring me? What have you got on you, hey? You're the medical professional.

What have you got in your wallet at the moment? Have you got anything on you? I'm chasing. Have you got any bone marrow? I'm probably due for a top-up. Yeah. Yeah, does Tommy need his booster or what?

What's happening? I don't believe in it. I've gone off it. You took some booster at your nan's funeral and just went apeshit. Anyway, good stuff. We've backed ourselves into a corner boys

remember the good old days have you got access to a defibrillator yeah put it on this gig you know them yeah you know them defibrillators

why have we got people rushing for the door by the way fucking everyone's there's a queue for the defibrillator yeah there's a real movement thing Fucking everyone's... There's a queue for the defibrillator. There's a real movement then.

Yeah. Everyone's got to get their drugs. Because one of those guys has tapped his mates and gone, let's go and have a lie now. Right. And there's a lull in proceedings. So they're going to rack up in the dunnies. Great. Hey, Ross, I heard a...

Hello. Ross, I heard a... Hello. Now, I heard a show business rumour last night. Oh, here we go. About Ross Noble that I want to get to the bottom of. Apparently, on your rider for gigs, you request

two roast chickens. What? What? Are? What? Are you saying I'm a paedophile? No, we're saying you're a paedophile. No. I'm saying you're a double paedophile. No, it's beef.

Nothing but beef. Yeah, yeah. I request two. Yeah, I request two roast chickens. Yeah, what of it? Someone told me this and was very confident about it. Is this a true thing?

Absolutely, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Oh, hang on. I'm not on your rider, mate. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know why the chicken crossed the road? Because. Because. Go and see Lawrence Rooney of the Powerhouse tonight for... That's his opener, so you've heard that bit. It's good shit. I can see why you were just nominated now. Oh, that's cruel.

Yes, I do have, I do, yeah, turn up to the gig, you know. Don't want to be going out sourcing me on chickens. Yeah. So, yeah, turn up to the gig, you know. I don't want to be going out sourcing me own chickens. Yeah. So, yeah. Anything else on the rider or just the chickens straight up? Depends. Try down gravy? Can be, if I require.

No, that's... Zinger burger? It's gone cold by then, hasn't it? Depends, really. Depends where I am. Depends what sort of mood I am. But, yeah, two chickens, minimum requirement, or I won't go on stage.

Oh, fuck. That's great. You're a two chickens, minimum requirement, I won't go on stage. Oh, fuck. That's great. You're a two-chook comic. That's great. 100%. I mean, two, that's a paltry amount of chickens, isn't it?

Because! Yeah, well, you know, what else are you going to have? What of it? Wow, you're getting really defensive. Yeah, yeah. It's like, that's cool. We wish we could get that. I'm just surprised that you don't, you know, what else are you going to have? What of it? Wow, you're getting really defensive. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, that's cool. We wish we could get that. I'm just surprised that you don't. You can have anything you want. I mean, you have to pay for it, but you can have anything you want. So just, I used to request, a long time ago, I used to request that they had to provide me with two postcards with a stamp on them of a tasteful local scene.

with a stamp on them of a tasteful local scene. I've never seen a distasteful postcard. I was like, oh, dear. Depends what places you're going to. You know what I mean? Yes, you turn up and you go, oh, they're posing. He just writes something on it,

pick an address, boom, send them off. Pick an address. Yeah, pick an address. One main street. Sometimes I would request they provide me the addresses of people that work at the venue. Okay. No, I'm joking.

Just run and send it. So then at some stage you went, no, I can actually get food out of this and fucked off the postcards and got two roast chickens. Yeah, yeah, two roast chickens. And sometimes, like most of the time, they'll be provided from, you know, like a comedy we're discussing, two roast chickens. And sometimes, like most of the time, they'll be provided from, you know,

like a comedy we're discussing, my chicken habit. But then sometimes you play like a more rural area. Often somebody connected with the theatre will do you a home-cooked chicken. Oh, freshly killed chicken. How far before the show are you eating the chicken? Sometimes minutes before I go on. freshly killed chicken how far before the show are you eating the chicken sometimes minutes before I go on

yeah that's why that's why I use a radio maker not one of these because I don't want to be slipping over yeah greased up like that

yeah yeah get out had someone from the beef industry right there yeah would you be comfortable sharing the story you told us backstage about being on QI I had someone from the beef industry right there. Could you? Yeah. Would you be comfortable sharing the story you told us backstage about being on QI?

No. In 2015. Wow. Absolutely not. Is this a story about Stephen Fry's anus? I was assured that was a pig. No, no. No, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So apparently, so there was an episode of QI from 2015 that went out a couple of weeks ago and they had to change that before it went out on TV, they had to say, we regret to inform you

that the content of this show no longer reflects the values of modern day, right? Wow. You don't know what I said, yeah. Yeah, but we know what you wore. That is true. It's like those Bugs Bunny cartoons from World War II. Yeah. For 2015.

I describe it as an amusing ethnic act. Oh, wow. Turns out there's specific people. You can't wear anything anymore. Turns out you have to be an actual genie. Is that what it was?

Why can't you get dressed up as historical figures that lost wars? Exactly. Why is everyone so cross? But did he really lose? That's a joke. That was a fucking joke.

So what did you... What heinous crime did you commit? This was a joke. We were talking about olive oil, right? Extra virgin olive oil. And apparently, it's impossible to get the complete purity because of the olives.

I wasn't really listening, but... And so my joke was, olive oil should have on it, warning, may contain traces of slut. Right. Which... That's...

That's just a joke about language. That's not about anyone's sexual activity. That's just about the way that we use language. But apparently it is no longer in keeping with our modern day values. That's what we're going to put on this episode in 10 years' time. Apparently pedo jokes aren't funny anymore. I mean, I would say we were borderline there. Yeah, I think we're going to have to use that disclaimer,

but this is going up in two days. It was a different world back then. No, I think if you're talking about people who genuinely abuse children, that's terrible, but if you're talking about comedy who genuinely abuse children, that's terrible. But if you're talking about comedy pedos, it's a fun thing. Yeah. It's a fun...

You know, it's a... Ooh, scary monster. Ooh. That's acceptable. It's not. I will never pick up a bottle of olive oil and not do that joke. It's not. I will never pick up a bottle of olive oil and not do that joke.

Well, of course, it's confusing for Popeye. That's who complains. Popeye's wife rang up. This is olive oil here. What are you saying about me? It seems like an awfully small hole to put it into. Anyway. But there was apparently once when you said that,

when it went to air, there was a lot of complaints. So heaps of sluts rang up. And complained. Heaps. I love that. As such an Australian with heaps of sluts. Heaps of sluts. And a main. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Drive in. Drive in like that. Or walk out. Just angry. Oh, there she is. A slutty at a main. Uh-oh, uh-oh. You just drive in like that. More walkouts. Just angry. There she is. Angry slut. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on. No, fuck on. No. Come on. Take some opioids and chill the fuck out, man. No. Her nan's a slut, so that's why. Can we just see it?

Is it a gene? Yeah. You just inherit the slut gene from down the line. It skips a generation. Yeah, it's not a choice. Man, honestly... It's who I am. Can I just say that was comedically correct.

I'm not just making any disparaging remarks about that woman there. The same way I don't think this lady over here danced with her dead grandma. Yes. It was comedically correct. Or was fucked by Peter Hellyer. I'm not going that far. That is lineball.

Sorry but yeah. It's always nice to know what your last gig's going to be. I was going to say, we're doing a pod after this with people with much lower profile. I'm like, that'll be the loose one. But apparently it's this one. Yes, time of career death.

341, Brisbane. No, well, look. Sorry. 341 I no well look sorry is that what you were going to say no no sorry no we'll put that

on the episode in the edit but we my career is deader than her now at a funeral yeah get the

get the the plexadrone out mate you'll be you'll be lucky you'll be lucky to get the gigs that me and Tommy get by the end of this a plexadrone out. You'll be lucky to get the gigs that me and Tommy get by the end of this. A plexadrone, that would be a drug.

It hovers over you. Anyway, sorry, go on. Last time I talked to you, we had a very entertaining alleyway chat. Oh, yes. And you were telling me about how you were, and I looked this up afterwards, you were named, there used to be like a top, what was it, top 40 of all time stand-up comedy list.

The best stand-up comedians of all time. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that was... But you just worked into a conversation, did you, Ross? Yeah. Very modest. Yeah. Oh, that's embarrassing.

It's just gone up 10 years ago. After a struggling gig, I am actually in the top 10 of all time, actually. So tonight's gig means nothing. After a rot, can I cut? By the way, had it printed on a T-shirt. I was like, oh, zip. Oh, this thing here.

No, I don't know how that came up, but it was top 100 anyway. No, but you were in the top 10. Yeah, well, no, this was the point. I think this was the point I was making, wasn't it? It's like humble brag, but it was Channel 4 in the UK, and they had this, what do you call it, this was the point. I think this was the point I was making, wasn't it? It's like humble brag, but it was Channel 4 in the UK, and they had this, what do you call it, like a pool thing,

and the viewers, it was viewers. Look, it was the viewers. Who am I to say? It was pure, but also an expert panel. And it was a mixture of the two. It wasn't fully the, and then, like, I always think, I was also voted by GQ magazine in, I think, 2014, the third worst-dressed man in Britain.

And that's out of all the men in Britain. That's, like, homeless people. I was on the panel for that one because you're short on stage, cunt. So, yeah. What sort of fucking arsehole wears a middle-aged man with fucking yellow trainers on? Anyway... No, what happened was, was the... No, I got in trouble.

Have you flashed back to your radio? Hey! There's... Hey! There's a... Hey! No. Hey! The joke... The joke that I made that got me in trouble

was basically they had this thing and I was at number 10 on the list. And then they did it again like four years later and I'd moved to 11. You dropped out. And I dropped out and it says it on the Wikipedia, and I can't change it. So it basically said, he was at number 10,

and then he was at number 11 four years later. And every fucking interview I ever do, people just go, why have you moved to 11? So I said, well, you know, strictly speaking, thanks to Bill Cosby and Louis C.K., I'm now at number nine. That was the... That was the chore.

Yes. You have to think, too, post-slut oil on QI, you've moved up another few. You'd think so, wouldn't you? I would have thought that maybe the 11 was a response to the slut backlash, which is a position.

On a pirate ship. Or last a slant. I've got the list here. So the updated list, you went to number 11, number one, Billy Connolly, Richard Pryor, Ricky Gervais. Can we just stop? This is sort of gone. Yeah, right, right. But what I was more interested in is the people you were better than.

So you are number 11 on that list. Well, I'll stop you there. It's like 90-odd, isn't it? We don't have to list them all, but go on. Well, you know, given what we've talked about tonight, number 15, Woody Allen. Yeah. That's true.

The fucker, if he'd been ahead of me, I would have moved further up. He's way higher on a different list. And this, this, by the way, this is scientific.

This is not up for negotiation. Yeah, yeah. That is official. Yes. This is the CSIRO list of best comedians. Are you on there, Pete? No, but Ralph Magazine

did a Top Likes. And I was number 96. I'll let you know, Weary Dunlop was 97. Oh! Wow. Decorated war hero. Not as good a bloke as you.

Apparently not. Weary Dunlop. Weary Dunlop. He fought through the fatigue. That's amazing there. This wasn't like a list of comedies. This was just Ralph going, here's the best blokes. He fought through the fatigue. That's an amazing name. This wasn't like a list of comedies. This was just Ralph going, here's the best blokes.

Best Aussie blokes. Just best blokes. And I was 96, Weary was 97. Can you remember who was number one? No. Top blokes. Scotty Cam.

Yeah. And it'd have to be. Every time. Scotty Cam. Is this living or dead? No, Weary Dunlop passed away last year. No. He passed away last year. No. He passed away a while ago.

Yeah, quite a while ago. Yeah, quite a while ago. A long time ago. But people you're also better at, at comedy. You're still going with it. Number 40, Robin Williams. 40? Yeah.

Fuck off. Yeah. Look, we know it's bullshit, but you don't have to fucking remind me. Oh, well, that's wrong. Of course it is. The whole thing's fucking bullshit. But anyway, thanks, mate.

Number 56, Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, this is bullshit. This is bullshit. It's almost like... Bullshit. It's almost like these lists are arbitrary. They're completely full of shit. And why do you keep bringing them up in alleyways?

Yes, exactly. It's not the only thing I bring up in alleyways. Actually, you know what? Mid-conversation, do you remember this? While we were having this literal conversation, a lady walked up, walked past us, pulled her skirt up and did a big old piss right in front of us. She did, yes.

And she's number eight on those. She went, fucking Robin Williams at 40. Some of that. And she did that, and we looked around, and she goes, what are you fucking looking at? It's like, you pissing in front of us. What the fuck are you looking at? The other thing with that list, which I got in a bit of trouble for because it is bullshit I bit

oh I thought it was people who hate Robin Williams going wow and I disagree with that because it was a genuine hubbub yeah so I there's an old comedian called Tommy Trinder and I basically encouraged people old comedian called Tommy Trinder,

and I basically encouraged people to vote for Tommy Trinder. And they had to put, when the TV show went out, they actually had to put on the thing, and Tommy Trinder made the list of like 32. But we believe, as a result of Rosner, Go the Trinder! Yes. Tommy Trinder. One of the greats. He was. go the trinder yes so he trinder one of the greats

he was was he just someone that you came up with or something like that or was he like no no he was a genuine he was a genuine comedian but yeah he was just

old school and they couldn't find any footage of him that wasn't in black and white right that's a bit of fun but it's like these you know you get these

like hundred sexiest men and all the rest of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that sort of thing. Sick of that list. I tried to find the Australian equivalent and the only thing I could find was a website called ranker.com that ranks everything. And I looked up top 100 Australian comedians.

Oh, lovely. Oh, dear. So do we want to hear the results there? Yes, please. There's a bit of tension now, isn't there? Let's wrap this up. Let's do all 100. We can hear Mooney's beefs with all of them.

Yes. I would love that. We'll be out of here by midnight. I would love that. Should we get a review? No, we shouldn't do too much, actually. Number one, I feel like if we could keep this in the room, this would be an all-time episode with your review of all these people.

But why don't you do this? Why don't you just say the name, bleep the name, and then he can still say the name? Oh, wow. That's not bad at all. Oh, wow. Yes. It doesn't feel like a karmically good thing to say. Not bad at all. Wow. Yes.

Yes, please. It doesn't feel like a karmically good thing to do. Is that the first time that sentence has come out? Yeah, people at home can guess who you're trying to talk about. That'd be good. That'd be good. Well, let's try one. Let's just try one.

Let's see if we can do a bunch of them and people can write in and anyone who guesses all of them correctly can have those prescription drugs that you got. Yes. Fantastic. This feels like a bad idea. When the fuck's that ever stopped you? It's never stopped me. Yeah, I was going to say, the next sentence after that is,

let's do this thing. Let's fucking do it. Number one. I reckon this is's fucking do it. Number one. I reckon this is a pretty easy one. Number one. Carl Barron. It's been believed.

Love Carl. For people at home the number one was Carl Chandler. So. That fucking wingnut number two Glenn Robbins

really yeah that's interesting thought we were going to get spicier taste than that comedian not stand up comedian because

Glenn's you know created three of the most memorable characters or comedy characters in the history of TV. But I wouldn't necessarily think of him as a stand-up. Wow, I think we'd get spicy takes at about 2am tonight, I reckon.

Boys, I want to re-record the air. I've had a few thoughts. Number three, Jim Jefferies. I'm not playing this game alright fair enough fair enough number six I took Umbridge

with number six best Australian comedians of all time Jim Owen I take Umbridge with one of the words in there I feel like you might

be coming up on this list Ross yes can I just ask where are these two? Great question. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you two have changed your fucking tune. Now that the list's moved off me. All right. This is bullshit! Higher or lower than Robin Williams. Yeah. Well, let's cut to the chase, shall we, gentlemen? Carl, can I ask, where did the Jackson Jive come in?

They had a good spot on QI, apparently. All right, number 32, with a bullet, Peter Hellyer. Oh, yes! Nice! I believe 33 is Weary Dunlop. I'm his nemesis. Yeah, and let's just scroll down. And keep scrolling.

Oh, we've just got the GeoCities logo now. Okay, all right. The little dog running back and forth across the screen. You've run out of names. Okay. Who's number 100? No, this is literally a list of 40. I'm so sorry, Lawrence.

I would have put you... It's bullshit. It's bullshit. Yeah. But who has... Who you've beaten at 32? 35, Hannah Gadsby. Just nearly tied for 35.

Straight after Hannah Gadsby, Cole Elliott. So two peas in a pod. First comedian I ever saw at the Basie Footy Club. Hannah Gadsby. Who was at 40? 40, you know, I stopped at 36 for some reason. Once I got to Cole Elliott. You're so close.

Yeah, I know. Four more, waste of time. I know. Who's 36? Cole Elliot. Cole Elliot. Yeah, yeah. But who just beat you?

You had... Friend of the show. This is not a real list. This is not scientific. Oh, fuck it, bullshit. This is not scientific. Oh, fuck it, bullshit. This is... That second laugh was everyone remembering

how hilarious he is for people at home. Justifiably so. Yep. This is literally me fishing at this point. I know. You just can't say a name and then just stop and just stare at me.

No, congratulations to everyone on the list. By the names you've read out, I would say congratulations to everyone not on that fucking list. Where's Kevin Bloody Wilson in this? Oh, great question. Fifteen. Yeah.

How do they... Thanks for barracking for the underdog. I do like how they've split that. Fifteen, Kevin Bloody Wilson, but 36 Cole Elliott. Fuck, why is there such a chasm between those two? What about the rude? Where's the rude? No rude.

No rude. With Lawrence Mooney. I think it's all about nuance, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's all about the nuance. Cole Elliott, buddy. What about Svelovich? I did like, 23 is Steve Hughes and 24 is Dave Hughes.

They've gone, Steve Hughes. Oh, who's the other Hughesy? That would be incredible if a magazine or some news outlet released the top 100 names of comedians in alphabetical order. I wonder who's... Where's my name? I still can't find it. Ross, can I... They should do duos.

Can I ask Ross, who were the two people that beat you in the worst-dressed men in Britain? Oh, great question. Luca Graham was number one. Okay. Ed Sheeran, I think, was probably on there. Yeah.

You know that? Yeah, yeah. Luca Graham was number one. Okay. Yeah. Okay, great. What about that pedo that wears tracksuits and gold chains? Jimmy Savile.

Jim Savile, yeah. Jim Savile. That's like getting Al Capone for tax evasion. Oh, we got Jimmy Savile on the worst dress list. There was a very funny thing in one of the newspapers and Al Capone for tax evasion. Oh, we got Jimmy Savile on the worst dress list. There was a very funny thing in one of the newspapers when, do you know what Jimmy said?

Do you know? He's more well-known for other things, but yeah. So he was, there was a whole thing about him in the paper and like,

he'd done such heinous things that the article was so long, they kept running out of the ways of describing him. Former DJ, Britain's worst sex criminal. And then he got to there, and they just went, Jimmy Savile, they actually described him as mega nonce. Perfect. Perfect. I was reading an article about him

and he was very close to his mother and she died and he kept all the had no spent a week alone with her dead body not just his own mum

no well he actually got access to the morgue at the hospital. Yeah. I want to go down and see. Oh, no, yeah, he used to. Yeah, this isn't comedy. Going into a morgue at a hospital,

it's hard to come up with some laughs there, isn't it? Well, I mean, there's rudimentary puppetry. It's always a bit of fun. Now then, now then. as rudimentary puppetry. So it was a bit of fun. Carl, can you give us your list of top 100 mega nonces? No. Hey, did we talk about this last time? I don't know if we asked you this last time.

Do you own a tank? I used to own a tank. Oh. Yes. Yeah, I had a... How do you sell a tank is my next question then. Marketplace? Yeah, you go to the... Yes, I sell a tank is my next question Marketplace? Yeah, you go to the Yes, I bought a tank

I bought it as a guide, he runs like tank driving XP That's a nice tune Every time I mention military hardware, somebody plays the glockenspiel It's wonderful, that's what I was throwing out of the military

It was announcing the offensive glockenspiel. It's wonderful. That's what I was throwing out of the military. It was announcing the offensive. There was a... And there's been a lot of offensive on this fucking show. He certainly has. He runs Tank Driving Days and he had a website. It was called Tanks A Lot.

Is that real? I swear to God, you can Google that. Tanks A Lot. And then, yeah, I good. Is that real? You can Google that. Tanks A Lot. And then, yeah, I just rang him up. I said, and he had like tanks for sale

and I just, I bought one and I had it for a while and then, yeah. How much does a tank go for? Oh, look, it's not. You know.

Give us a ballpark. Is it, is it? Oh, in Australian dollars, about 30, 40 grand somewhere. Oh, really? What kind of tank? A little Sherman?

A Panzer? A Habit 433, self-propelled artillery gun it was. And, uh... What? You know, you can buy, like... They're laughing at you like you're a nerd. Yeah, they wouldn't have had me fucking tanked. So, did it come with any live ordinance?

Well, you know what? From where I lived at the time, if I had the shells required, I could have hit Gatwick Airport. Wow. So that's a no. I was going to say, I don't know if this is public knowledge or whatever, and I don't know whether these people realise, but you live in Melbourne,

and you live sort of in Frankston. I was like, that's a fucking perfect purchase if you're living there to have a fucking tank on you. Okay, let me just, let's just roll back on this. I do not live in Frankston. Okay, sorry, sorry. I do not live in Frankston. Near Frankston, I mean. I do not live in Frankston South. Near Frankston. I live further down the peninsula. Right, sorry. I do not live in... Near Frankston, I mean. I do not live in Frankston South.

Near Frankston. I live further down the peninsula. Right, yeah. You know when you leave Frankston and you get to the posh bit? I live there. Oh, Melbourne. I do not live in Frankston itself.

I've nothing against Frankston. It sounds like you do, though. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. I do. My joke was you could bomb Frankston and you've taken it the wrong way. If I bomb Frankston,

I'd probably do... I'd probably improve the... I'd cost $30,000 worth of improvements. No, it's all right, Frank. It's not bad, Piers. Good damage control. Yeah. I never go there.

So why did you get rid of the tank? You just didn't want to bring it out. You know what? It was actually going to cost me more money to clean it because it was covered in dirt. Oh, and you're not allowed to import military vehicles into a country because technically it's classed as an invasion. What?

Yeah. And I thought, do I really want to rent a garage to have a tank sitting in the garage? So, yeah, I also left a full-size... Joint. Yeah. Left a full-size... Not Perspex. What do you call it?

Fiberglass. Full-size fiberglass rhinoceros. I left that as well. See, here's the thing, right? You can have a massive cocaine problem or you can buy rhinoceroses and tanks. And let's put it this way. You don't have any tanks or rhinos.

Hey, Ross, you did a series where you rode your motorbike around to do gigs where you weren't tempted to break the tank out and do another series where you're just driving down the freeway. Oh, yeah. Now, that was Billy Connolly you're thinking of that does the motorbike i was thinking that was number one not number 11 i always get i always get one and i confused well the problem with the tank on the road was the fact that it had these like rubber tracks on it that so that you could drive on the tarmac but unfortunately on a hot day it would sink and just dig up the road. So, yeah, I mean, I could travel around.

I could have travelled around Europe destroying highways. Yeah. And if, yeah, that's the thing. You know, like, if you're in a hire car or whatever and you fuck it up a bit and you maybe just touch a wall or a bollard or something, you just sort of bend it a little bit. Yeah.

If you do it in a tank, you know about it. Yeah. You can take out a tank, you know about it. Yeah. You can take out a neighbour's wall quite easily. I had an argument with the guy who lived next door to us. It was this property developer who bought the property next door. And he's a bit of an arsehole. And we were arguing over where the fence should go. And it didn't matter.

It was a big fuck-off field. It didn't matter. So I drove the tank up. And it didn't matter. It was a big fuck-off field. It didn't matter. So I pointed... I drove the tank up and pointed it at the house. And my wife said to me, she went, have you just pointed the tank

at the property? He didn't live there, so it's fine. And she said, have you just done that? I went, yeah. Do you think that's a bit passive-aggressive?

And she went, that's not passive-aggressive, yeah. Do you think that's a bit passive aggressive? And she went, that's not passive aggressive, is it? That is the most aggressive thing you can do. And he also, he said, I'll block your access. Because it was like a sort of bridle way thing. He said, I'll block your access. And at the time, I had the time. But I'd also bought myself a JCB. You know, I'd bought, you know, those big diggers.

You know, those like, you know, like a digger, like a, excavator. An excavator, yeah,

like a, I thought you bought a John Claude Van Damme. Yeah, and I pointed him at the neighbor. He didn't, he didn't like it. So yeah, so I,

yeah, I bought a giant excavator thing to build jumps for my motorbike and, and I basically had that next to the tank. Get on the fucking coke, mate, and save yourself a whole lot of trouble. Has been suggested.

And he said, he goes, I'll just block your access to your house. And I went, right, you know the tank? Look behind it. And there's this giant fuck-off digger. And I went, what do you think you're going to block my access with? And then he sold up after that.

Fuck him. What are you going to do, you know? Yeah. But I sold the excavator as well. Excavator's gone. Tank's gone. Have you made any crazy purchases recently? What have you got? What have you got left after that?

Have you got anything insane? Have I got anything fun? Yeah. I'm about to buy a full-size, I think I'll get a giraffe. Because I bought this new house and it's got a sort of balcony thing. And I thought it'd be quite cool to have a life-size giraffe. So that when you're sitting on the back, it's like... Hang on, when you say a life-size giraffe,

do you mean a giraffe? Yeah, yeah. An actual giraffe. I like the idea of that coming up through the thing. Yeah, great. Like that. That'd be good for the tank, actually. Yeah. It's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why else are you going to spend it on? You know what I mean? I refer you again to Lawrence Mooney. Yeah. My daughter was obsessed with giraffes for a long time. She's 23 now, but kind of grown out of giraffes. But it was around about 11 or 12,

and the school was having a workshop for girls all about their menstrual cycle and their period and talking about what was going to come up for them and they said have you got any questions at the end of the workshop and lily put her hand in the air and said yeah i've got a question do giraffes have their period and um the visual is really something and so uh the woman who was running the workshop looked it up and said, yes, giraffes do have their period. They have two periods a year.

And Lily's like, very happy with that. But I was like, my mind was racing. That's making a mess from a great height. Giraffes do have their... It's not a mess. It's natural, Carl. Get your language right, okay? Oh, no.

Something offensive finally happened on this episode. What a shame. Now you've ruined it for everyone. Now we can't release this one. Let's just bleep out the name of giraffe. The giraffe does have... It has the largest heart. It has the largest heart in the animal kingdom because

the pressure required to send the blood to the head it's got to boom, it has to, you have to fire all the way up there like that. So that would suggest to me that if a giraffe was to put its head

towards the floor, it could maintain a powerful erection. Pete, how was the jungle? I was watching Crikey, is it Crikey where the Irwins, or Crikey it's the Irwins, and they had a giraffe walking around, and I was watching it without the sound,

and all of a sudden the giraffe, obviously it was pregnant, I didn't know this, it shat out a baby giraffe. That's how they give birth. They can't lie down, they can't sit. It sounds fucking horrendous. I don't think it's shitting out, Peter. No.

It's natural. It's a beautiful thing. If that's how you think ladies do it, you are not shit, my friend, okay? That's not what you are. Sorry. No, no, you're good. They also, your giraffe, right,

and people don't know this about a giraffe, right? Your daughter would. They've got their tongues, they have long purple tongues. Very, very long. Well, kind of bluey, but let's not fall out over it. Well, it depends. If you squeeze their necks really hard,

they have a tongue testicle purple. Just in my experience. I was at Warburn Safari Park myself and another couple of comedians and we're driving around in my shit-hole car and there's a giraffe and it said, do not open the windows at all. But there was food that you could feed to the deers so this comment i was with andy he thought it would be hilarious if he was to open the window and feed some of the feed to the giraffe and his head came down and then before even got to the way, its long purple tongue came into the car

and started lapping away at the food for the deer. At his yogurt-covered cock. Giraffes notoriously love yogurt. It built to that. And then the giraffe's tongue got more and more and it was

it was certainly purple it got more and more vigorous as it was it was searching the car it was searching the car for more and more food so we were stuck

in this car and these big purple things in the car like that and then when it realised like I was going get the head of the giraffe out of the car get it out of the car like that and then when it realized like i was gonna get the head of the

giraffe out of the car get it out of the car and and because his head was in there and he was like trying to sort of push it away but it's too strong but you know they've got those two little things yeah oh yeah what are they for well i'll tell you what they're for they're for stopping the giraffe's head being able to to retract from inside a car. So the more it pulls like that, it couldn't, like it was pulling, because the neck goes up like that, and the tongue was going, and I'm going to get its head out of the fucking car and the giraffe. And I said, you have to push the head down and then up so it releases it.

But he didn't have the force to do it. He slapped the giraffe in the face. He went, boom, like that. And it still didn't do it. The giraffe's head's childproof. Absolutely. So in the end, I thought, well, there's only one way we're going to do this. So I accelerated.

Oh, my God. And we drove through the safari park with a giraffe running alongside. And you somehow stretched the neck of a giraffe. Yeah, twice as long. It was off kilter. And was that the moment that you went... Tell that to your daughter.

And I'll tell you what, it was moody. It was, you know, the time of the year. Was that the moment that you went, Ross, I'm going to own one of them one day? I'm going to have one of them that isn't bleeding from the head. And if it's not, I'm going to buy a tank and then it will be. Exactly. They don't like it when you turn up to the safari park in a tank. Start driving through.

The rhino steps out in front of you. You're literally playing a game of chicken. And not in the way you know. Not, yeah. Chicken fries. All right, guys. This has been incredibly educational. God, surely this should be over by now.

Please, God. All right, we better wrap it up there for another week. Give a big round of applause for Ross Noble, Lawrence Mooney. Thank you. Peter Hellyer. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again.

Oh, Bernie, you've bent that big one like a banana. Yep, yep. And they've done it again Oh Bernie You've You've bent that big one Like a banana Yep Yep Yeah Hey thanks to everyone

That came along from Brisbane And other places Yeah Thanks to the Outpost For putting us up They I'll say this They

Couldn't have been more accommodating When we first got there. We got a very nice tour of the venue from a guy who listens to the pod who is the booking agent for the venue, I believe. Yep. Yeah, end of statement. No, I just thought it was funny in that they were so lovely to start with at the start when we were setting up and very, very put us very at ease and were very nice about everything.

But I just felt like given the content we then put on stage for the next two hours, by the end of it they were really, like at the start of it they were really like, oh, Mr Chandler, Mr Dassel, anything you need. By the end they weren't really making that much eye contact with us. Yeah, bar shut down pretty quickly. As I mentioned at the top of the end, they weren't really making that much eye contact with us. Yeah, bar shut down pretty quickly. Well, you know, as I mentioned at the top of the episode, they thought we were some sort of high school musical. So, lovely venue, lovely to deal with,

but I think by the end they were like, oh, we didn't know it was going to be like that. Yeah. I don't really want to talk to these people anymore. I mean, not to spoil next week's episode, but the back end of that was us going, why the fuck are the lights set up like this? Which, to be fair, I stand by.

Yes, yes. No, they were great, but also, yeah, bad on us in that I thought this would be the safe episode in that we've got three people with something to lose and there was a lot of very um i don't know edge lordy type talk i guess yeah sure i don't know us us talking about silly silly naughty things we've done it two weeks in a row now tommy yeah have you got any texts yet from any of these chaps no okay no Okay. No, no, I haven't.

Please keep me posted. Yes, I will, definitely. Please let me know straight away. Yes, no. We haven't had – for people at home, we do have these episodes and then people very quickly text us afterwards to go, can you not put that episode up? Yeah.

Or can you just – you can put it up. Just take 55 minutes out of it. That would be great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, maybe you could like do this and then we get, you know, we get instruction on how we can edit the show and drip feed it out. And we get instruction on, I mean, I didn't say anything, but what you said you need to take out.

Oh, is it? Do I need to take what I said out? Yeah. That's your instruction. I mean, if you're going to throw that advice at us, you could say that, yeah, nearly every minute of every week should come out. Just tell us to stop doing the pod. Tell us to quit comedy.

Maybe that's what they're trying to say. You don't have to be on the show to give the dollar obvious advice like that. Absolutely. We should thank the listener who gave us the knives that we mentioned at the start of the episode. Yes. Have you used yours yet? I haven't, but what he did say to me,

listening to Simon from Queensland, he gave us two top-of-the-line knives. Beautiful knives, which I sent a photo, because it's in this beautiful box. I sent a photo to a chef friend, and they were like, I was like, what brand is this? And he was like, I don't know. And then I was messaging Simon.

I was like, oh, thanks for the knife. I'm using it now. What is this? Like, I want to look up like the, you know, the care instructions for it. No, he's like, we make them. So he works at a restaurant. He's like, that's cool.

A restaurant that just makes their own knives. Makes their knives. Yeah. I love that. I'd love it if they made their own knives, but they just used like jar sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good. Yeah. it if they made their own knives, but they just used like jar sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good.

Yeah. But when he gave us the knives, he did give us a $2 coin. And I was like, what's this for? Is this fucking coin operated? And he said, no, it's bad luck to give knives without a present, like a monetary present. And I was like. Interesting. Well, I mean, it's that.

So anyway, I looked it up. Do you know the tradition of giving a coin to someone who has given you a knife as a present? Why is this done? Where does the tradition come from? Opine... Yeah, anyway. This is like an old chef superstition kind of thing. This is like Macbeth, but in food.

Oh, don't. The podcast will be bad. Oh, no. We'll have to edit that out. Funnily enough, that's the second time today I've been recording something and someone has made a joke where they've said Macbeth. Oh. So, I mean, if I can get through today without this content being diabolical,

I'm going to say that that's not a real superstition. You can say it every day. Knives have always been seen as powerful objects. They can be considered as weapons or valuables. In previous centuries, people who owned a knife had an important title or certain power over others, the head of the family, for example. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm Daddy. I've got Don't Say Her Name and Little Blanket, and I'm the only one.

You're subordinates. Yeah. I forget that. I've got to start using that around the house a lot more. As head of the family, I think we should do this. I'm doing that from tonight onwards. That's great. That's going on my passport now.

That's going on in customs. Occupation, entertainer, slash head of the family. Slash head of the family. Well, good for you, man. I think my partner would kick the absolute shit out of me if I tried that. I outrank you and the dog. Yes. At least give me the dog.

Yes. We can be equal, but surely you can see that I'm above the dog. Oh, look, I don't think I'll be kicked, but I think I'll be absolutely. Verbally. Yes. Yeah, I'll be complained about and this will be held as. You'll be head of the doghouse. Yes.

Woo! I thought maybe he had given you the $2 coin as like a flex of like this fucking knife will cut right through. Yeah, Ginsu. Like butter. Instead of giving me his shoe, he gave me a coin. Yep. Yeah, but no. So, according to tradition, this powerful object should not be given as a gift. Oh, well, thanks a lot, Simon.

On the one hand, the gift giver loses their power. Oh, yeah, well, fuck you. Yeah, right. I wasn't going to call you a cunt, Simon, but you don't have any power anymore. Felt like maybe we should shout out his restaurant, but now that he's handed over his power, I think it's going to go down the drain pretty quickly. Yeah, well, I mean, we felt we had to, but now he has no power, so we can just shit on it instead.

Not the head of the house anymore. Yeah, he works at McDonald's. So, on the one hand, the gift giver loses his power, and on the other hand, the knife's blade supposedly cuts the ties between the gift giver and the gift receiver. Oh, fuck, that's all we need, lose another listener. Yeah, he's going to unsubscribe from Patreon now. Jesus Christ. That we've got a knife.

This could be a bond of friendship, a parental bond, or a romantic relationship. Oh, now we don't get to bum him anymore either. So giving someone a knife is... Fuck, you've been busy today. So giving somebody a knife is the same as wanting to separate yourself from that person. Solomon's breaking up with us. Yeah, right. Interesting.

But no, but isn't the point, isn't this saying that by giving the coin as well, you're alleviating all that stuff? Here we go. The symbolism of the coin. The coin, by the way, and if you think I've read ahead of any of this, you're wrong. You know how you can just get, you can just buy like knives, like shitty knives at like the supermarket at Coles or whatever. That's a good bit. Buy a knife and then you're at the checkout and they're scanning it through and you're like, I'll be, come on, cough up the $2 coin.

It's bad luck for me to walk out of here with this. Well, the coin is a solid metal object that enables you to ward off the bad luck associated with knife giving. It can be just a couple of pennies. The most important thing is to give the other person a coin no matter what its value. This means the knife is considered as bought and not received freely like a gift. Now, hang on. This means we should have given him the money. Yeah. He gave us the money.

This is kind of like the thing in movies where it's like they go to the lawyer and it's like, quick, give me five bucks. Yeah. Now I'm your lawyer. Yes. And anything you say. I'm going to suck you off. Quick, give me five bucks. Yeah. Now I'm your lawyer. Yes. And anything you say. I'm going to suck you off. Quick, give me five dollars. I want to be a whore.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. It's that. Yeah. It's that kind of mentality.

Yes. So he's got this upside down. So now, I mean, in my opinion, that's given us super bad luck. It's given us double bad luck. Yeah. Because now the gift that he gave us is $2 more expensive. Yes. Than what it was to begin

well we got the we got the knife and then we got the opposite of the good luck that the coin bestows on you it got the absolute opposite of that reaction yeah so now we're gonna wake up that those knives are gonna be haunted we're gonna wake up with that like fucking stuck in our gullet we're gonna sleepwalk get the knife sharpen it go back to bed stick it right in the rib cage things have been going downhill in the couple of days since i got given that knife now that you mention it yeah yeah i'm thinking i i haven't had anything particularly good happen to me since then um no it's i've actually been fine oh yeah well i don't know it's hard to tell when nothing happens. Yeah. But I'm just thinking, yeah, I had a gig that wasn't that good. Yeah.

And that's the first time that's ever happened. That damn knife. I used the knife the night I got back. Yeah. We were having burgers. And this did feel kind of like a waste of a very good knife. But I tell you what, those onions, woof, sliced them up an absolute tree. Didn't know what was coming.

Yeah, that tomato. Yeah. Fucking hell. Wow. Wow, that's how good the knife is. Slices up tomatoes. Yeah, but just glided right through it. Yeah, right.

They're good knives. Like the old, I know it's a bit of a cliche, but it does feel good. The old scissor run when you've got the sharp scissors and you start cutting the wrapping paper and it just takes off by itself. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just gliding through the water. Not putting up a fight at all. Yeah.

Boom. Love it. Well, thanks, Simon. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for trying to bestow more bad luck upon us. Yeah, yeah. You listened to this pod for a few years and thought, these guys seem too lucky. But we're lucky because we're both in a household with our significant others.

So we can just give it to them and go like, quick, you got it. I'll give you this knife. As the head of the house, I'll give you this knife. And you give me $2 back so you've bought it off me. And that's warding off the bad luck. And now it's officially your knife. Right. That's funny. Yeah now it's officially your knife. Right. That's funny.

Yeah, maybe I could do that. Sell this knife to my wife. Sell the knife to your wife for $2. Yeah. And then you'll have to ask her permission to use it. Also, she does the cooking. She does, yeah. And she doesn't have cash, so I'll have to lend her $2.

Tickets to me. Oh, it's got to be actual cash, doesn't it? I presume. Well, I don't know. Does it say anything about – These traditions were made before FPOS and things like that. Yeah, it doesn't say – okay. Well, anyway.

It doesn't say anything about bank transfers on this website. Well, thanks, Simon. Yeah, I appreciate it. It hasn't been used yet, but it will be. And I'm going to have to send you four dollars in the mail yeah i think to make sure yeah maybe i shouldn't use it until i send simon four dollars okay um all right thanks uh great thanks to everyone brisbane fun times part two next week yes when if you thought that wasn't loose enough yep um just keep this in mind. The guests for the next episode were vaguely watching this episode

and drinking the entire time. Yeah. So that's what's ahead of you next week. Yeah. Good times. What is also good times is getting onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You can support the show, chip in a few shekels,

and you get a couple of little mini bonus episodes every week as a little thank you for doing your part. And perhaps more notable than that is that you also go into the draw to get your name read out and immortalized alongside riveting knife chat in this week's episode. We could be about to read out your name. Wow. Isn't that exciting?

This is. It's like the Oscars. Yeah. It's like, I wish we had a camera on every subscriber of the show. Fuck, that's not bad. And they're just like,

putting on the fake smile. Well, we could tell people in advance what names we're going to read out and we put cameras on them for when we're reading it out and then we get to the end and we go, here's the winner. The winner of Talking Dumb Dumb this week. We then get to the end and we just vote on what our favourite name of the week was.

Okay, well, that's actually what we're doing this week. Okay, we'll pick our favourite. These are the nominations for our favourite names this week. Okay, right'll pick our favorite. These are the nominations for our favorite names this week. Okay, right. All right. Nominee for favorite name of this episode. First nomination is patron subscriber Lucinda Lagos.

Lucinda Lagos. L-A-G-O-S. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, right. Is that a place, Lagos? Or am I thinking of something else? You're thinking of Laos. No, I don't think I am. I'mO-S. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, right. Is that a place, Lagos? Or am I thinking of something else? You're thinking of Laos.

No, I don't think I am. I'm looking it up. Okay. I'm pretty sure. I'm thinking it's like a, it's in Nigeria. And are we just going purely, like the winner is just literally the name that we think sounds the best? Or is it sort of semi-self-awarded where it's like the best riff that we've done on the name or are we thinking a bit about what we think the person is like and we're sort of assigning it

to like best person? Tommy, look. What? That's like watching a bunch of movies and then going, how are we going to assign the best actor Oscar? What are we looking for in these movies? It's all political, man. It's all political.

You've got to watch them and then be hit by them and go, I didn't know I was looking for this, but this is what I loved. I didn't even know I would. This is the only category. We don't have best supporting name. No. Maybe that can be next week. Best animated name.

Maybe that can be next week. Best song name. Best boy name. Yep. can be next week. Best song name. Best boy name. Yep. Yep. Yep. Lagos. Lagos is a major African financial centre and the economic hub of Lagos State and Nigeria

at large. Oh, wow. It's Nigeria's largest city. Sprawls inland from the Gulf of Guinea across Lagos Lagoon. Well, now that you've pointed out what part in the world lagos is from the problem with this is now if we decide that this name is the winner we're going to get a cute people are going to be like oh they've just done that for the optics oh you know what i mean oh i thought i thought you're going to say this is we've been scammed this is right this is like we're talking about last week

i think i think so yeah this is someone who's hacked into the Patreon mainframe and just instead of pretending to be a prince and asking for money, he's just, well... Pretended to be a nerd. Pretended to give money already. Given us money. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretended we'd given them a knife. Yeah. And pretending they've given us money. Yeah. Well, maybe that's it. Maybe they're trying to get a knife out of us. Because the first thing is they fake subscribe to Patreon. So then they hit us up tomorrow.

Once the name gets read out, they go, hey, Tommy and Carl, remember when you read my name out this week? Yeah. Well, that was only to offset the presumed knife you're sending us and then we're like oh fuck i guess that's how it works is and then they go it's bad luck it's for us to give you money and you not to send a knife right we go oh fuck is it i i wasn't going to bring this up because we complain on this bit too much right but i was up at 5 a.m today I've been potting all day and I found it almost impossible

to keep up with what you were just saying just for the just for cards on the table I'm trying not to do the classic thing where we come in here and we're like I'm hungry but genuinely I was like straining so hard.

The logic is clear. I'm pretty confident. I'm pretty confident that makes sense. I felt like I was watching, I don't know, Christopher Nolan directing an Ocean's Eleven movie or something. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was like Tenet. That was my Tenet.

Right. Thank you. Oh, it's bad. Oh, no. I was my tenet. Right. Thank you. Oh, it's bad. Oh, no. I haven't seen that. That's fine. I didn't mind tenet. Okay.

Okay. Well, then good. Yeah. Okay. That's fine then. Yeah. But look, I'm sure what you said was a very wonderful flight of fancy. Thank you.

The sort of thing that ordinarily I'd love. Yeah. Thank you. Well, I want you to listen back to this and see if it holds up. Look, I'm sure in the edit room I'll have a great time. I'll probably text you.

Let me know. Look, I didn't... I don't know why I was... Edit a bit in right here. Edit a bit in right here as a bit of a PS, a bit of a postscript. Just, does it hold up?

When I listen back, I'll record myself, the audio of myself listening. Director's cut. So you'll get my laugh genuine and I'll splice it in. Do the director's commentary. Yeah. Over the top.

Okay, great. Thanks, Lucinda. Yeah, let's push on, but let's leave it as a great riff that makes complete sense. Yeah. Right, great. Unless otherwise proven. Yeah. Thanks, Lucinda. And yeah, I guess that's interesting that you've descended from a city.

Yeah. Your ancestors were a city. They rooted and people came out. Do you think maybe this is like the African Johnny Knoxville? Oh, there we go. We talked about this last week. Yeah, we're just doing the same. We're just changing nouns, I think, from last week's Talking Dondo.

Not like us to repeat material. I know, but this seems almost like a crap. Yeah. It's too easy to do it. Yeah, right. Johnny Knoxville is didn't like us. Also, the idea of coming from a Nigerian city and being called Lucinda is also sort of funny. That is good.

Yeah. I think that's sort of funny. Well, Lucy L, Lucy Lou, thanks. Double L. Thanks for the cash. Thanks for that. Now you know what I need to do. I need to look up the Nigerian currency.

Would you like to guess? I would. No, I need to look up the Nigerian currency. Would you like to guess? I would. No, I would not be confident in that at all. The Naira, Naira, N-A-I-R-A equals 0.0033 Australian dollar. Okay. Wait, so one of theirs is 33 cents? Is that what it's saying? No, less than $0.33.

Not even one cent. A third of a cent. Oh, okay. Yeah. And the subunit... No, but if it's point something of a dollar... It's.0033. Oh, okay.

Less than a cent. Sure, sure. Yeah. And also, that's their dollar, I believe. Right. There is a subunit of their dollar. Okay. Like the Nigerian cent.

So in case you wanted something smaller than a third of a cent, you have got to go get yourself a Kobo. A Kobo? Yeah. Quite like that. Yeah. One Kobo, please. Yeah, I wonder what you're get yourself a Kobo. A Kobo? Yeah. Quite like that. Yeah. One Kobo, please. Yeah, I wonder what you're getting for one Kobo.

I dare say it's not worth the money it's printed on. No. I don't think that's a bold statement at all. Well, it's like going to Japan and getting a handful of change and you've got like a one yen coin. Yeah. And it's like, this literally cannot buy anything that exists. Yes.

Yes. No, totally. Well, it's like a five cent coin buy anything that exists. Yes. Yes. No, totally. Well, it's like a five cent coin here, to be fair. Yeah, totally. It used to be parking meter food, and now it's not. I think, I can't remember if I've said this or not, but weirdly, I was telling someone this the other day. We were talking about, yeah, coins going out of circulation.

And my dad held onto the two and ones for a very long time. Because he was like they're coming back they'll regret it they'll bring him back well he thought civilization was gonna just fucking break down and dad i don't think they're ever bringing him back i think they're getting rid of them because literally nothing costs one or two cents yeah i mean how far off is the five cent coin going out of action this is the conversation that i was having with this person. Yeah. Yeah.

The only thing I can, you know what I do with them? Save them in a cup and then bring them to the bank for that nice little chuck a big bag of coins in the coin sorter. That's a bit of fun. Yeah. That machine. That's good. It feels like they've designed it knowing that it's sort of a toy. Right.

They've made it feel like you're at yes you know you're at the fun parlor yeah yeah they should just get a whack-a-mole machine in there oh that'd be good yeah um went to cans after this show tommy yep massive time zone up there i don't even know time zone still existed they got a fucking huge one up there uh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's crazy isn't it it's like a whole it's like a whole block yeah weird spot for it where it's like yeah the only place we have a time zone a place where you go inside and sit inside and play games is a place with the best climate in the country yeah i you know that's interesting because i can't even i can't remember

the last time i saw one in this city yeah they. There must be like one or two because there's a lot of like – there's new brands that do that thing, but specifically the brand of Time Zone. Yeah. I don't know what happened to them. Go on. Thanks, Lucinda. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ethan Lynham. Ethan Lynham.

Do we want to give any kind of like how we're feeling about the ranking of the names so far? Or do we want it to be a mystery? Look, 10 seconds ago, I didn't really know what was happening. But after reading it, Ethan Lynham, we have a clear leader. And it's not Ethan Lynham. Yeah. I mean, I'm wondering if we should do this. Because it's not like they're up there on the podium at the Oscars reading out the nominees

and then getting to like the second one and being like, well, it's not going to be him. Well, you do see the little clips, the examples, and you go, you see someone there and you go, that's not it, is it? Right, right. That's not going to be it. Yeah. So, you know, you can't have five absolute ball busters every time. I mean, I guess that sort of does happen in the way where, like, when the nominees get released, people will be like,

why the hell is that person in there? Yeah. Why is that fucking shit movie in the Best Picture movies? But also, what do we know? You know, you see the movies that win and you go, what the fuck happened there? Because it's all, you know, just personal taste. Right.

And someone could be here listening to this show right now going, Ethan, that might be the best name I've ever heard on this show Right now going Ethan Lennon That might be the best name I've ever heard on this show That's true Yeah Whereas we We just happen to be

Unfortunately We're the gatekeepers here And we happen to think That it's nowhere near As good as Lucinda Lagos That's true But judges don't always Get it right

That's it Just ask the people Who voted for me Not to win an award At the comedy festival When I was nominated Exactly Just ask for the person

Who voted for Daniel Kitson over me 10 years ago. So it's all subjective. Yeah. You know, best names is just like comedy. Yep. It's personal. It's subjective. It's not the 100-meter sprint, guys.

Yep. You can't, you know, just clearly show that this is, without doubt, the best. Yep. It's just up to the judges. We're just like the diving judges. Someone's just done a perfect swim. And for some reason, the Australian judges have given it a six and a half. Everyone's going, what the fuck is on with those guys?

One man's Snake Tails is another man's Billy Connolly. Yes. Billy Connolly. Yes. Billy Connolly. I would have normally picked Daniel Kitson, but he'd just been referenced. So I was trying to think of another beloved figure. On the plane back to Melbourne, I sat next to someone who I had some writing work to do,

and I was doing that. And, you know, if you've ever had to do – how do you feel about being on the plane and your viewing choices or what you're up to? You know, you're sitting there, you're very conscious of whoever's sitting next to you on the plane. I will say viewing choices or if I'm playing like Nintendo Switch or something, couldn't care about that but

uh writing stuff appalling right big text a lot of the times on the plane i'll be writing a rad dad right and it's like oh jenny then i got fucked up the out like i don't really i don't because i'm just like watching or engaging with the media i'm not really i'm just having a good time i'm not really thinking about it. But I am way more self-conscious about someone looking at what's on the Word document or if I'm like writing out a set list for a show and it's like just your bullshit little names for your bits. That I get very, very self-conscious about in that environment. Okay.

So I wasn't so much so because when writing, I'm like, why would anyone sit next to me and look at what I'm writing because it doesn't look – like I don't have the big text. It's not easy to read. Right. Well, here's why, because I do it. Right. Oh, really?

Maybe that's what it is. It's like someone watching a movie. It's like, whatever, that's a movie. But anyone who's doing work, I'm like, now what's on this fucking pie chart? Right, right, right. What's this prick do for a living? Yeah, yeah, okay. Actually, now that you say that, the lady next to me,

I did catch a little glimpse, but just enough to go, I don't care. Yeah, right, right. It was interesting because she had so many to-do lists going on. Right, and when, you know, there's a vibe to a certain type of person that's, like, on the plane. Maybe they're, like, in the, like, clearly, like, their work clothes. So it's like, oh, this guy's landing and then going like yeah you know straight to the sydney office right like what's so important that this guy's boning up

on the plane yeah this guy's stressed about what he's got to do on the other end yes i gotta have a little look at what's going on here in hindsight i really like to figure out what this lady was doing on her laptop because it was compartmentalized into like 50 to-do lists i'm like what the fuck is going on how do you do this and surely you're on the plane you can't touch any of the stuff on that list yeah yeah how much of the to-do list can you get through yeah without internet not being in your house yeah so uh she must have snuck over snuck her little eyeballs off the to-do list or maybe on the to-do list was have a bit of a fucking sticky nose to the left side because she looked over, obviously had looked at what I was doing, which is rough because some of the stuff I was doing was

like kind of weird. I bet. Yeah. Oh, no doubt. Yeah. Like without context. That's the first place my head went when you started this story. Yeah.

So I was just writing lines for people people for a tv show and um and so without context it was like what the fuck is this anyway she just leans over intimates to me to pull my headphones out and then go yeah ai it's gonna take over isn't it i was was like, is it? Yeah. This is funny you say this because I also witnessed a conversation in Queensland about AI. Right. As I was checking out of my hotel in Brisbane, boom, a couple turn up and check in, room not quite ready,

and they're just kind of sitting in the lobby just hanging out. She's on her phone. We're going, I wish AI would hurry up and clean hanging out. She's on her phone. What going? I wish AI would hurry up and clean my room. She was on her phone. He was sitting there reading the newspaper. AI's going to take over all the foreign maids in hotels and do the job quicker. Yeah, I wonder if there's a hotel that's like fully serviced by Roombas.

You'd think that would be a thing by now. Anyway, so she's on her phone. He's reading the newspaper and he goes, have you heard about this AI? And she goes, yeah. And he goes, that's it. That's the nail in the coffin for humanity. Right.

And I was like, right on, brother. That is the boomer mentality. It's like, this is going to kill all of us. Yeah, well, this lady was like looking at my comedy and going, yeah, AI is going to take over, isn't it? And I was like, I mean, I don't know that much about it, to be honest. But she's like, do you know chat GPT or whatever it's called again? I'm like, well, apart from us doing it every week on the pod for the last month or so,

I'm like, yeah, I vaguely know. And she started explaining what she thought about it and whatever, and I'm going, and I'm like pointing at my stuff going, yeah, but you can't replicate this. I mean, I have CarPlay in my car, so I regularly, like when you get a text, it like dictates it to you. And Siri is still just like pronouncing so many words. Just all this stuff comes out completely wrong. And that's been around for like 10 years.

It's like, it's fine. The AI is not really anything to stress about. Well, I was sort of saying, oh, look, I don't know. I don't know how it works. I said, at the moment, I've seen comedy done with it. And I don't think it I don't know how it works. I said at the moment I've seen comedy done with it and I don't think it's, to my knowledge, I don't think it really has the flight of fancy

to produce surprising comedy. All it's really doing is regurgitating. It's good at comedy if the joke is, look how bad this is. Yes. And that's basically it. And even that still comes still is it has been that still come from a human prompt going like i'll put this in as a funny joke yes and she's like

yeah i guess you're right i mean you can do some things with it but you just can't it'll never be as good as the great billy connelly oh great all right yeah yeah good always comes back to that really good i just like that she was like and you know i'm not a big one on going boohoo boomer but like she was a certain age yeah but i do like that she's kept up enough to know what the ai in the chat chat gpt is yep but still hasn't refined her taste hasn't learned of a stand-up comedy in 45 years yeah the big yin bot yeah that could take the job of Billy Connolly. Well, thanks Aloysius or whatever this thing was called.

Ethan. Ethan Lynham. Ethan Lynham. Ethan Lynham. To me, it feels like it's a fucking anagram or a, what are they called again when it's the same forward as it is backwards? Oh, palindrome. Palindrome.

Yeah. But it's not. It's a broken one. It's it's not ethan line them up and ethan fuck off ethan um i wouldn't i wouldn't prepare a speech no let's just say that yeah let's just say that i would get ready for what you're gonna do on that camera though yeah yeah the whole world's watching ethan yeah i'd uh yeah get ready to be really happy, but to not win. It's a shame because, Ethan, I'm not minding it. Right.

Out of the gates, not too bad. I wouldn't put it next to Lionel. Well, that's what I mean. The first name with a different surname could have been your year. Yeah. Week. Yeah. Assuming we do this every episode from now on.

Yes. Thanks, Ethan. Yes. Thanks, Ethan. Thanks for everything. But again, commiserations. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber, Will Scheidlinger. Will Scheidlinger.

Will Scheidlinger. Okay. Yeah. Scheidlinger. A lot more there. Yeah. Yeah. Scheidlinger. A lot more there. Yeah. Yeah. It's...

Fuck. It's a... I mean, to me, it's almost like a name of someone you would create. It's not the name of someone that AI could create, that's for sure. It's more of a name that Billy Connolly could create. It's got that human touch. It's very like... It's very like sketch character, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Either that or it's the name of some L.A. comedian that writes on a TV show that we haven't heard of yet. Yeah, sure. This guy wrote on- He sold some pilots. He wrote on two episodes of 30 Rock back in the day. Yeah.

Yeah. He's out there on the picket lines at the moment. Yeah. He's yeah he's got his funny little sign written up he's even though he hasn't got any work for years and the only stuff he's really doing is improv so he's been unaffected by the writer's strike but um i liked did you see friend of the show kyle canane tweeting about the writer's strike no going get these get these writers paid properly before these fucking nerds feel like they have to get back into stand-up again. He gets it.

Yeah. Our mate. Great. Great. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah, taking bread off fucking Kyle's table. He was good to hang out with, wasn't he?

A couple of weeks ago. He was out here for the comedy festival. He was. Yeah. Didn't get to see enough of him, unfortunately. Yeah. Here for a very brief time. Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah. Good dude. Great show. I went and saw his show. If you get a chance to go see him in your neck of the woods, highly recommend you do it. He's got specials on YouTube and stuff at the moment. Yeah, his most recent special's really good.

Yeah. He got the nod from YouTube to upload his stuff for free. Oh, they... Yeah. Right, they commissioned it. They must have, you know, he must have had some YouTube scouts in the crowd one night. They said, we think you're ready, buddy.

Put the cameras on. Oh, you're going to bring cameras? No, no, no. You'll be doing that. You have to do all of that. But we'll gladly accept it on our website for free. We have a spot has opened up. Yep.

We just cancelled a couple of shows. And now we've got room on YouTube for you. We just deleted a 15-year-old video of a guy filming his dog taking a shit. And we've got room on YouTube for you. We just deleted a 15-year-old video of a guy filming his dog taking a shit and we've got room. YouTube should just, you know how like every now and then there'll be like, Netflix will put out a thing where it's like, here's what's leaving Netflix this month. If you want to watch Big Mama's House 2, you've only got three more weeks.

I got sucked in by that the other day. Yeah, yeah. So there's definitely been like, oh, fuck. In a week, I'm not going to be able to watch Zoolander. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'd better do it now.

Yeah. I don't want to have any regrets. Yeah. Well, YouTube should just do that. They should just arbitrarily just pick some stuff that they're like, hey, David,

after the dentist, we're getting rid of it. Right. We've only got a fortnight left to check that out. Yeah. The monkey pissing into its own mouth. Yeah been 20 years guys we need to free up some bandwidth yeah they must be nearly ready to do that mustn't they i don't know i got an email yesterday from my

email provider going if it's all right we're going to delete your email address from this email provider because you very clearly have never used it i'm like yeah go for it i don't fucking care do you you don't do you ever use google drive at all yes there it blows me away how like someone will upload a file onto there and then you go to watch it and they're like oh this file was too big for us to scan for viruses right and it's like you're google yeah like yeah figure it out yeah i'm sorry but i don't think you can really accept oh it's like, you're Google. Like, figure it out. I'm sorry, but I don't think you can really accept, oh, it's just a bit hard from one of the biggest companies in the world.

Also, if you don't know how to do it, hey, maybe you can Google it. Oh, the file's too big. When we made this drive thing, we didn't know you'd put big files on it. It's too hard to scan for viruses. It'll take ages. So for people that don't know, out of the business, I don't know, this is probably not a widely known thing at the moment. You've noticed all your big comedy specials going on Netflix

and all that sort of stuff, and all of a sudden you see these people putting up their whole shows on YouTube because I guess the thing is the money's fallen out of the streaming business. They're no longer saying to everyone, here's big money to put your stand-up shows online except if you're a massive big dog. The middleman's been cut out of this whole thing. So the big, big big big chapelle's

fine yeah all those guys are fine everyone else is fucked no one's getting paid for their specials to go on streaming services anymore so then now everyone's deciding to put on youtube because you know what at least it gets seen yeah you might get a minimal amount for a some other streaming service but then it's also like gated and people are kind of dropping off those platforms so you can still get you can still get a bit from some streaming services but then there's a people just aren't going to watch them and is five to ten grand worth you know closing off your show no one's seeing forever i yeah i sort of got the impression that yeah it was like maybe some american dude filmed a show thought they'd sell it weren't able to sell it and went, oh, fuck it. Well, I just want people to see it.

I'll put it on YouTube. I'm sure there was a part of that. Then it did gangbuster numbers and it was like, oh, yeah, this whole thing's up there and then more people are going to come see me on tour and I'll sell tickets and I'll make the money back through that. And then now it's almost turned into the thing where it's like, this is almost the default now.

Yes. Go straight to YouTube. Yes. Yo, Tob. Yo. Hey, Hannibal. Hannibal. Hannibal.

Exciting news. What? I've got a message about my transaction dispute. Oh, yeah. Again, from last week. Yes, from before. Fuck me. Again. From last week. Yes. From before. Fuck me. Yep.

What's going on here? Here's some good news. A refund is on its way to you. That's great. Because I something come up. I had to cancel everything. Something came up that I booked something on a travel website. I like that I said before, i'm really tired today and you've gone i know what'll cure that me reading an email from the bank yeah that's good news because i was worried they were going to go

fuckhead yeah you know how this thing says hotel in thailand yeah that was probably you yeah and me going, oh, Thailand. So it is a fraudulent? Yes, it is a fraudulent. Oh, that's good. Well, it says, well, leads with a refund is on its way to you. Fuck yeah. Unless this is a fraudulent email.

Could be. Hang on. Do I bank with the Conon Wealth Bank? Yeah. How much are you getting back? Sweet. 132.66. That's not bad.

Not too bad at all. I could buy myself a hotel room with that sort of money. Yeah. So that's all good. And all I had to do was fuck around on the phone for about an hour and a half. Yep. That was well worth my time. Just like today.

You know what? Every time I go to the supermarket, my local supermarket, I buy cat food. This has happened three times in three weeks. They say, yeah, it's a special one. Great. I grab a bunch of things, go to the counter, boom, slide them through. Nah. Just full price.

Oh, you've got to like, yeah, that's annoying. You've got to activate it. Three times in a row. Yeah. I've had to sit there with the full knowledge that I'm sitting there for 15 minutes to get myself back a dollar 80 yeah fuck i had to call the bank a little while ago and i was on hold for i reckon it took me an hour at least to get through because they're just walking around the house with the airpods in just like kind of just going about my day yeah but they just have that one like one minute loop of music yeah it's like get okay you're short

staffed there's not much you can do about the phones i'm prepared to accept that yeah get a fucking playlist going on the whole line yeah you truly do feel like you are going insane yes when you listen to that shit music for that long and just it it just turns into a game of chicken where you get into like hit seeing the clock on the phone be an hour and being like yeah i can't do this forever yeah i have to bail at some point yes i'm losing my fucking marty's Well, will Scheidlinger? It is the eternal question. Will Scheidlinger? I don't know.

I guess we'll find out. Scheidlinger? Yeah. I barely know her. God, I'd love to give her a good Scheidling. Well, I'm glad we got the money from him because we got the money from Will Scheidlinger. I'm sure we wouldn't have got any money from won't Scheidlinger. Oh, good.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Make a comment whether this holds up in the end as well. And his deceased grandpa didn't Scheidlinger. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe we got this upside down. Maybe we got this money from Scheidlinger's will.

Oh, yeah. That's good. Scheidlinger's dead. Now, that's something everyone can enjoy. Yes. Regardless of how much sleep they've had. Yes. That didn't take too much fucking bonce power over there, did it?

All right. Thanks, Will. Thank you to the fourth nominee The next nominee For best name For the best name of this episode Best name in a motion picture or podcast Yes, yes

Nomination is to Paul Andrew Farley Okay Yep Yep Paul Andrew Farley So just to differentiate. Yep. Yep. Paul Andrew Farley. So just to differentiate himself from all the other Patreon subscribers that we have called Paul Farley. Yep.

This is one of those Michael J. Fox type figures. Mm-hmm. Yep. Just whacking something in there just to stand out from the crowd. I might watch that Michael J. Fox movie. Why? This week. Why?

Sounds good. Don't really know a lot about him. God, I'd have to go through a lot of fucking other shows before I got to that, I reckon. What would you... Name one thing off the top of your head that you'd watch before the Michael J. Fox movie. Do you want me to name my Netflix wait list or whatever they call them? Oh, yeah, please. All right.

Netflix wait list or whatever they call them. Oh, yeah, please. All right. My Netflix wait list is... Come on, Lloyd. I've got the continue watching... My list. Here we go. Here we go.

I always forget to check my list. My list is as follows. Roadrunner, a film about Anthony Bourdain. Oh, right. I truly thought that was just a Looney Tunes compilation. No. It's like, you know what? I'll get around to this at some stage. Oh, right. I truly thought that was just a Looney Tunes compilation. It's like, you know what? I'll get around to this at some stage. Well, yeah.

I want to see if that coyote gets him. Yep. Great film. Great doco. I haven't watched it. Chef's Table category, pizza. Okay. Wait, just the episode on pizza?

Yes. Yeah. I just bookmarked that because it was a nice looking piece of pizza on there. I thought, I'd like to watch a movie about this i don't know oh no i've watched the ugly delicious episode about pizza and it's great right uh jerry seinfeld comedian oh yeah that's on there yeah yeah great worth a watch again yeah yeah yeah yeah seen a few times yep the movie her great film haven't watched it yeah really good really good. Yeah. The Meg. Oh, the like.

Jason Statham. Oh, yeah. Is this the like creature in the deep? It's like a really, really, really big shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not one for this sort of thing, but the previews just look so insane that I was like, I might just watch this when I'm doing work and I need absolutely no brain power.

Seems like a good background sort of movie. Yes. Neil Brennan Blocks, comedy special. Oh, yeah. Never really watched him, so I thought I'd put that on there. FIFA Uncovered, the documentary. Oh, yeah. True Grit, something I've been meaning to watch for 10 years now.

Since it came out? Yeah, the Coen brothers. Never seen it. Never seen it and also bought, I think, two different copies in Thailand back in the day where you bought fake DVDs in Thailand. I've got so many gaps with the Coens, I've got to say. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, there's quite a few I need to catch up on. Count Me In, the drumming documentary. Oh, okay. And this is how long this has been in the list for I remember being at Brett Blake's

in a brief moment of non-lockdown at his house and him going you've got to watch this show Count Me In it's fucking insane so that's when that

got put in there yeah right I should check this out The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt oh yeah did you watch that nah I think I watched like one ep

okay little bit twee okay I didn't really get into it same people as 30 Rock Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Oh, yeah. Did you watch that? Nah. I think I watched like one ep. Okay. A little bit twee. Okay. I didn't really get into it. Same People's 30 Rock, which is one of the all-time shows. So I thought I'd put it on there. I've seen a few episodes of it, but there's probably a reason why I haven't got deeper in. People, I mean, people love it.

I just, it just didn't do it for me. Okay. Mark Maron, friend of the show, End Times Fun. Oh, yeah. Again, been sitting there. Don't know if I'll watch it. Yep. James Acaster, Reperto Fun. Oh, yeah. Again, been sitting there. Don't know if I'll watch it. Yep. James Acaster, Repertoire.

Oh, yeah. Those are great. He's great at stand-up. I had a great time watching them. This Is Pop documentary series. I watched a couple episodes of that. I'm Thinking of Ending Things. No good.

No good? Yeah, really, really didn't like it. Tell me why it's bad. Should I dump it off the list right now? Convince me. It's just, I just found it so pretentious. It just, like, it's kind of a cool conceit to begin with, and then it's just one of those ones that gets weirder and weirder,

which I don't just, I don't dislike just that, but to a point where you're like, I just think the wheels have come off here. Okay. Like three, this was one of those ones that came out in lockdown. And any time like a movie by a director that you liked or familiar with, like kind of a big thing coming new onto the streaming was like such an event. Yes. Like I remember Borat 2 coming out.

It's like, oh, thank God. Yes. Not only that, it's an excuse to watch the first one again. You know, this was kind of a bit of that. So I could follow the second one. Yeah. I love Charlie Kaufman. I was pumped for this.

And yeah, just, whoa. I think we, I don't even, I think I watched it with my girlfriend. Is that why it's a thing? Because is it written by Charlie Kaufman? And he directed it. I think maybe that's the issue. I think he's better with him doing a script than someone else kind of reining him in a bit. But yeah, I watched it at my girlfriend's house

with her housemates at the time. It's before we lived together. And like, yeah, halfway through, her housemates are like, we're out, we're going to bed. And we were like, I mean, we're here, we'll just go through to the end, I guess.

Okay. Jeffrey Epstein, Filthy Rich. Piss funny. He's done it again. Learned a lot. Jerry Seinfeld, 23 Hours to Kill. I will say we watched the entirety of that Jeffrey Epstein doco. Someone gave us some weed brownies in lockdown and we ate them

and then for some reason put on the jeffrey epstein doco and watched the entire thing while high great and then woke up the next day and we're like why did we do that it's like that brownie felt great yeah why did we squander it on a yeah on a documentary about young women getting raped yeah jeffrey i mean jeffrey jeffrey jeffrey jeffrey jeffrey jeffrey jeffrey feinstein uh jerry seinfeld 24 23 hours to kill yep which i never checked this out yeah i got into it i got five or ten into it went i probably don't need to watch resters um pamela oh yeah a true story yep I think I got pretty deep into this I'm still yeah

I'm like do I watch the rest of it I'm not sure this speaks to the pointlessness of the Netflix list because I'm the same like

you just add stuff I'm always forgetting that it's even there to go back and look through yep oh here we go Trainwreck Woodstock 99.

I've watched this. I can get rid of it. Yeah, nice. Great. That's something. Boom. Gone. Gone from the list.

There's something I've done today. Stricken from the record. There's some work I've done today. Yep. Fuck, I just re-clicked on the list and it's still there. Fuck. God damn it. Matt, they really want you to watch this again.

There we go. I've got rid of it. Nice. Norm Macdonald, Nothing Special. I think I've seen that. I've watched it all. Fuck. God damn it. Matt, they really want you to watch this again. There we go. I've got rid of it. Nice. Norm Macdonald, Nothing Special. I think I've seen that. I've watched it all. It's really, yeah, I really liked it. I found it hard to kind of like sit down and watch

because it's just in the webcam. Put it this way. If he was still alive, it wouldn't be a great watch, I think. Well, but I mean, some of the stuff in there was good. So you have to imagine if he kind of, you know, worked it up a bit more.

Don't have to imagine. He didn't. And in my imagination, he's still alive, and so it wasn't a very good show. Again, that's one that I'm unable to process. The Figo affair. What's that? The transfer that changed football. You got it.

Louis Figo going from Barcelona to Real Madrid. Oh, right. You got a lot of shit on this list yeah i know i don't watch you're a hoarder i never watched i never sit down watch it i only engage with it the way i use netflix is i add stuff to my list yes never watch something on there in my life i have it is my daughter has watched netflix about fucking one million times more than me oh yeah i just don't watch it um crashing oh pete holmes no the other one uh the one with what's the other one the one with uh the the lady from fleabag she made it before fleabag all right never right. Never heard of it? No, I don't know if I have.

Fleabag. It does sound kind of familiar. Phoebe Waller-Bridge, she made Crashing before she made Fleabag. It's not bad. It's not as good as Fleabag. Fleabag's amazing, I think. Yeah.

I'd love it if this was common. I think this happened on the show when Knox was on here and he was talking about being in Edinburgh. And he kept saying, like, I saw Fleabag around. Right. Which I love. Oh, that's her name. I hope there's more people.

Like Seinfeld. Like a Jamiroquai JK thing. Right, yep. Hey, Fleabag! Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking that's her name. Yeah. Thinking that there's a woman in the world called Fleabag.

Like Hannah Gatsby, Nanette. Yeah, yeah, similar. Some people call her that. Yep, yep, yep. Two left. Hannibal Buress, Comedy Camisado. Yeah, yeah, similar. Some people call her that. Yep, yep, yep. Two left. Hannibal Buress, Comedy Camisado. Oh, yeah. Whatever that is.

I think I went halfway through that. It's very good, but again, I find it hard to sit down and watch the end up. Yep. And the last one is something I can take off the list because I did watch it. Oh, beautiful. A happy ending. Pop star. Never stop, never stopping.

Yeah, I've never seen this. This came up. I was in a car the other day and people were talking about this. Worth a watch. Yeah, I've got to check this out. Worth a watch. Well, Never Stopping. Yeah, I've never seen this. This came up. I was in a car the other day and people were talking about this. Worth a watch. Yeah, I've got to check this out. Worth a watch. Well, look at that. Whether that was entertaining for you at home, I got two off the list.

Yep. Great. I could have probably just watched one in this time and got that off the list. Thanks. Who the hell was this? That was Paul Andrew Farley. Thanks, Paul Andrew Farley. Yeah.

All good nominations. Yeah. Yeah. But there can only be. Yeah. All good nominations. Yeah. Yeah. But there can only be one winner. All right. There's only four nominees? Yep. There can only be one winner.

I thought that, right. There can only be one. I don't know how you counted or what you listened to or whatever, but it's time for the winner. Okay. So the winner of the best name for this episode of Talking Dumb Dumb is... I know who I'd give it to. Mr. Comedy.

Oh, wow. That's the best name. Yeah, that is the best name. I mean, when we first read it out, I thought this has got to be up there. Yeah. And yep, the cameras centered in on him. He gave a bit of mock surprise. I'm looking at the envelope too.

I can verify that it says that. Yes. It's not a, you know, this isn't a situation where, remember last year when they read out La Cinder Lagos? They read out La La Land Comedy. Yes. By accident. And they had to be like, there's actually a mistake.

The winner is Mr. Comedy. No. So this is two in a row for him. Yes. Well, thanks, Mr. Comedy. Thanks, Mr. Comedy. And thank you at home. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

Get on, support the show, get your bonus episodes. Thank you for listening. And we will see you next time. See you, mates.