The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 664 - Nick Capper & Kyle Legacy

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

This week we're joined by two of our favourite comedy bozos NICK CAPPER and KYLE LEGACY! Tommy's gone digging for some dirt on Legacy and struck gold as we hear about Kyle and Brett Blake trying to out-prank each other, as well as (TW: disgusting) way too many details about Kyle's sex life. Also, Capper's wedding is on the horizon! Tommy's crowdfunding ideas for his outfit and Karl's offering input for the speeches. PLUS: someone's vomited in a pool! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Capper and Kyle Legacy. If you want to support the show, you can get onto patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club. Get two bonus mini episodes every week and go into the drawer to get your name read out. Oh, sounds exciting, Tommy. Can't wait to skip this whole episode and get straight to the back end. Exactly. We will catch up with you in a couple of seconds if you're going to do that in Talking Dumb Dumb. But if you're sticking around for the guts of the episode, enjoy this new one with Nick Capper and Kyle Legacy. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always

the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today two very special guests. Dickhead, you've got one listener. I'm talking to Tommy, keep it down. Please, I'm trying to introduce you. Please welcome back onto the show Nick Capper and Kyle Legacy.

Yes! And Tommy's dog. Yeah, my dog's on the show today. Special guest. He's mic'd up. So he fires up. Apologies, Tommy. I am a little bit late.

I was a couple of minutes late. I didn't mean to be because this is what I did today. I got the train into the city to get the tram out to your place. I was waiting for your tram. Went, that looks familiar. Jumped on that. Everything looked familiar out the window. Then I realized 10 minutes in, you know what looks familiar?

Because I got on my tram to go home. So then I had to get off my tram and get an Uber. This is actual dementia. This is like there's no way around it. The tram you'd just come off? Oh, no, you trained in. That's the issue. Okay, that's the issue is that we got two different forms of transport.

Just doing a big old lap. Yeah. Just doing a big old lap. Yeah. Just doing a big old circle from my house to the city and back. There's probably a better way you could do it, though. Couldn't you walk to Victoria Street? There's not a worse way I could do it. You get a tram. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, besides going backwards. Yeah. Besides just staying in my house and not getting public transport involved. Yeah, getting a train. Oh, yeah, then you get a train to the station, then you get a tram out to Fishbrook. I could just walk out the front door, do a fucking 360 and go back in again. Well, I'm actually impressed you weren't more late from getting arrested

for walking around the supermarket with your pants around your ankles. If that's where your brain's at. That's a small price to pay. A few minutes. You were still here before Kappa. I'm surprised Yeah I know I know

I come in the city Nearly home again I still beat Kappa Yeah what's your excuse I ate four pork chops Okay You know what Well

I do have I do have something for you Kappa I've got a little gift for you On the podcast This is something that you left In my comedy club I think nine months ago. Your bank card.

Oh, yeah. Which shows how much money you have where you haven't missed this for nine months. How are you buying these pork chops? Cash, baby. He's bartering. There's a butcher out there with a few

hay bales and some eggs, courtesy of Nick Cannon. How many pork chops can I get for five minutes worth of gear? I got five minutes worth of cancer. What will you give me? I can unblock this. I think I can unblock it on the app. I don't know if that's how it works.

After nine months. Sorry, boys, it was under the couch. I've been tired of just, because I've been using my phone as a card, but then you can't pay for stuff online unless you've got GP. You're not reading the numbers on the fucking card. I tried to pay for something with it and an alarm went off and debt collectors turned up straight away.

Yeah, we got him. Replace debt collectors with women. Yeah, sexy. They can be both. Is that an angle for the strippers, the debt collector, the person who comes in and is like, you owe a lot of money to the bank and we're here to collect.

I think they're called pimps. I think that's what they're called. I don't trust somebody who still has the sticker on their bank card as well. That's how I know you lose your shit a lot. The first day you've lost it, you don't even tuck the sticker on. Do I look like the kind of guy that could be bothered taking a sticker off? I'm a busy guy, I'm cooking pork chops I'm eating pork chops

I mean, we're trying to do some theatre of the mind I don't know how to describe how you're dressed today But it's something like Ringling Brothers meets someone from the goodies Meets someone who's had a head injury or fucking something I think it's like regional stock and station agent meets Versace. I know how I'd describe it. It's Nick Capa meets Nick Capa. It says a lot, but this didn't even really register to me

as a particularly weird Nick Capa. It's 40th birthday, midlife crisis, he's just got a tax but he's getting divorced as well. I haven't even got married yet. You know what it is? It's a man that hasn't had a bank card For eight months That's what it is Well not to do someone else's gear

But when you walked in Legacy said you looked like You'd fallen out of an op shop Which I think that's the most accurate You didn't want to repeat gear But I think that's the most accurate That's pretty good I love that

That's sick Well you know It's cold weather I fucking It needs a place you can buy clothes With coins Right So yeah Yeah yeah Man last night you had a fucking Well, you know, it's cold weather. I fucking... In each place you can buy clothes with coins. Right. So, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Man, last night you had a fucking... On stage, you had a Liverpool, like, tourist shirt that you just buy in a fucking tourist shop. Right. No, no, no. With the flag on it. No, no, I had Liverpool and then England crossed out.

Oh, that makes it better. All right, yeah, cool, man. It's a Paddy the Buddy shirt. That's like wearing a fucking, I don't know, Sydney 2000 Olympics T-shirt on stage. Guys, I kill when I have my koalas next five kilometres T-shirt on. So let's not. You know, you guys look, because you guys have got the same vibe.

You've got the same look. You've got the same hair, except what? You'd be early 30s, are you? 31, yeah. So you're 40. So you're like, this is your future. And he's got a fucking better ha you're 40. So you're like the, this is your future. And he's got a fucking better hairline than me

still, it's fuck. Yeah, this is your, this is your future. This is Spider-Man across the Capiverse. Yes, yes. This is like, this is like you

franchised out across to England. This is your, this is like, you know when they do the Australian ABBA show. This is the England Nick Capa show over here.

Yeah. This is Jim's mowing but it's Jim's open micing. I fucking love agriculture. I never bomb. Yeah, one time I did a line-up show, and it was me, Crookshank, Quirk, Rathy, and... Take all the time you need.

This is key information. Name another person that no one else that listens to this show knows. You and five whites. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was one other person, and Legacy was the only other one, that someone came up to me and said, how was the show? And they're like, it was different shades of the same R word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep. R word? It was a hard R. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And anyway, that story was shit. Yeah, because even Raffi's got the throne now as well.

Yeah, yeah. I had to follow Raffi at a big show, and it freaked me out. I was like, fuck. Because when you you got big hair like comedy is so basic like if you've got if someone else has got straight hair and then you walk out with big hair the audience is like here we go here comes the freak show like it's such a shit medium yeah like you can walk out there and skip, and they're like, oh, my God.

Yeah. Skip before he went on. This guy's going to be fucking loose. That's a nice point of interest. Yeah, my best bit is just trying on people's hats. That's what it is. The other night, somebody, I was like, oh, it's a tough crowd.

I didn't get them. I tried on everything. Can I take it away? Instead of saying I tried every gear, I tried on every hat, lad. It was nothing. Man. If you start bombing on this podcast, start trying on Kappa's gear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Kappa, now you know how I felt. You don't want to crash too hard. Now you know how I felt when you had the gall to have chemotherapy and shave your head. Oh, yeah. Another rooster in the hen house. Really felt, if we were on bills together, like,

oh, but this guy's medically bald. Yeah, you're in your lead, Kevin. I was borrowing Tommy's buffer before the show. I was like, give me a buff. You've got to keep it shiny because that's funny. Being on after another shiny bald guy. Yeah. Well, Legacy, this is our first proper.

I've been a fake Liverpudlian on the show. Our first official proper Liverpudlian on the show. Nice. What do you mean? You're a fake Liverpudlian on the show our first official proper Liverpudlian on the show nice what do you mean you had fake Liverpudlians well that's me

I dress up like one but I'm not one that's true you've got assistant manager vibes for sure exactly yeah yeah yeah I'm youth manager

the Australian correspondent scout yes yes I don't dress like I've got like I play I dress like I've lost my clipboard

yeah of course you dress like you're. I dress like I've lost my clipboard. Yeah, of course. You dress like you're in a special league. You look like the whistle's exclusively for rape. What? I whistle before I commit it? Self-policing. As a warning? Self-policing with the whistle.

Watch out. Don't stop running. That's just car get raped. Raped in the locker room. Don't whistle. Watch out. Yeah. They're like, oh, no, people, don't stop running. That's just car getting raped in the locker room. Don't worry. Give me knees up. Well, you're, I saw you did, you did the, there's a gig in Cairns. You did that the other day, didn't you?

Yo, Cairns is fucking wild, innit? Yeah. Did you go out after that? I, yeah, sort of. A little bit. Did you go Gilligan's? No, no, no. Have you heard of Gilligan's?

Of course you sniffed that out oh man it's got a fucking it's a big a hostel pool and all it's a fucking jean pool

I wouldn't fucking swim in that oh I know what you're talking about yes you still have wet t-shirt content yeah yeah yeah

on Wednesday it's like your little North Queensland Ibiza yeah yeah it's fucking going off like literally I don't know where all these people came from

we went there after the show wasn't that like the show you done the laughing't know where all these people came from. We went there after the show. And that, like, the show, you know, the Laughing Heart one, that was sounding it, whatever. And then we went there after, met these people in the show. And, like, I was in there, I was there for two minutes on the dance floor and I'm dancing and some guys grabbed me hair and shit like that. And you can't do that. I mean, I'm not black, but that's what they say.

So he's grabbed me and all that. And I'm like, you know, chill. And he kept doing it. So I grabbed his hat and threw it in the pool straight away. Oh, more hat-related gear Yeah Exactly I was like, forget about it

Man Poor man If you bought a ticket earlier before You would have seen me try this on Yeah It's way funnier This is me off-duty When I'm not being paid

I throw them away Can I ask, was this man He's about to riff No, he isn't Was this man bald under the hat? Because if so, that's a hate crime. No, he was not bald. Okay, thank God.

We can all laugh at him. Oh, we laugh at him for sure. And then I threw it in there and I'm like, fuck off you dickhead. I go to the bar. Some girl comes up to me, it's his girlfriend. She's like, oh, why'd you throw his hat in the pool? Apologize to my boyfriend. I'm like, he kept touching my head.

I told him not to. That's weird. She's like, oh, you're absolutely right. I'll get him to apologize to you. Oh, wow. So he comes up to me and apologizes for me throwing his hat in the pool. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? That's not the North Queensland.

No, they're Canadians. So they were like just the nicest people ever. Soggy hat. Water just dripping down his face. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. He's still in his dredge. He's just got it on.

But he dove in the pool. So polite. Didn't take the time to empty the hat first. Just put it straight on. I'll tell you what. I'm off't take the time to empty the hat first. Just put it straight on. I tell you what, I'm off duty, but I'll put the hat on. My cool hat that has Australia crossed out with Cairns written above it. My favorite hat. Cairns, you do it?

Yes, you can. I did that gig and I was up in Cairns and I was thinking, this is the closest you get to the Thailand of Australia. This will be good. I was up there and I was up in Cairns and I was thinking you know this is the closest you get to like the Thailand of Australia this will be good like I was up there I was like booked in like a really nice resort like the money was like

whatever it was I was like you know I'm pouring that money exclusively into the nicest resort I can find and it had like one of those man made so you stayed at Gilligan's

no no because I know I bought your paid it was like a what's it called like a man made beach like a a pool no no it had sand it a man-made beach? A pool. No, no, it had sand.

It had sand. The man who's never seen a pool before. How the fuck did they get water in the middle of the city? What's going on? What, no sand? They built this hotel around a pond? Fuck, this is crazy. I think maybe I stayed at the same place.

Swim up bar? Yes. Yeah, yeah, I stayed there. Oh, you stayed there? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. So it looks nice. It's got a swim up bar and you yeah I stayed there oh you stayed there yeah yeah yeah great so it looks nice it's got a swim up bar

and you go this is going to be awesome and then you then what happened was I got in the pool as soon as I got there I got in the pool and went great

and I was like fuck it's a little bit colder than I thought but you know I'm going to grip my teeth and go no no I'm in the pool I'm in far north Queensland

this is going to be good and I'm sitting there and then I notice four girls in bikinis walk around the pool and then stand sort of directly behind me

and I'm like okay you're always noticing pool and then stand sort of directly behind me. And I'm like, okay. You're always noticing things. And then, yeah. You don't unnotice that. It's so observant. What are you supposed to do? Lifeguard on duty. I noticed each of their bosoms bouncing in the wind.

No, sorry. I noticed the G-string going one side to the other. I closed my eyes. I put my hand over my eyes and said, sorry, but I'm married. Sorry the other. I closed my eyes. I put my hand over my eyes and said, sorry, but I'm married. Sorry, girls. I can't look. I'm over 40.

I'm married. I'm over 40. I'm married. So this turned about. You're not crying, girls. Stop it. Ladies, the ring I've got on my finger. Oh, no, I took that off before I got on the pool on purpose.

Sorry. No. So they're behind me for like a minute. And then two of them like yelled out and went, hey, hey, hey, you. Hey, you, turn around. Hey. And I was like, oh, here we go. Still got it.

Turn around. And one of them goes, there's a giant pool of vomit floating towards you. Oh, wow. Oil and water. I'm like, what's a weird chat up line? But there actually was one. Oh, my God. Oil and water I'm like What's a weird chat up line But there actually was one It was like This massive

Oh my god This massive oil spill Shit Of vomit That was like Cartoon style Heading straight towards me To the point where I just

Instead There's no time to play it cool I just was like Oh And like ran in the pool As much as you can run in a pool But I'm like Fuck that's cans

Oh man That is like That's literally a thing from a nightmare. That's like a nightmare cliche. Like you're trying to run, but you're underwater and you're like, you can't run quick enough. But I'm like, I reckon that was like a really good summation of Cairns. I was like, this is going to be cool.

Like, you know, hot weather, it's like time and whatever. It's like perfect, except there's like heaps of spew headed towards you. Beautiful, mad made beach, swim up up bar pretty perfect conditions beautiful weather but there's a little bit of vomit just floating around yeah that should be

that should be the Cairns postcard welcome to Cairns pool kidney shaped pool little square of vomit great gig put your stamp on great gig

great bars great restaurants great climate but there will be a kind of the backpackers who steals you know who tries to touch your hair

you know something something's gonna fuck up your holiday something's gonna fuck it up did you tell a bar person We'll be kind of the backpackers who tries to touch your hair. Something's going to fuck up your holiday. Something's going to fuck it up. Man, did you tell the bar person? No, because as I ran away from the spew in slow motion, then the girls just out loud go, just watch me running away from the spew.

I don't know whether it was the action of me running away from spew or just the spew, but just went, yeah, we're not going to hop in the water anymore. And I'm like, yeah, fair enough. And I'm like, who should we tell? And we just look around and it's like, there's no one to tell. So we just hopped out and watched the spew do a lap of the pool. Wow.

Because you can't really tell anyone because the problem with that is the minute you go and tell someone, that person is just going to think that you did it. You can't go, oh, someone spewed in the pool. He was the only one in the pool. Like they're going to think, oh, you've done this. And that's just your way of somewhat someone spewed in the he was the only one in the pool like they're gonna think oh you've done this and that's just your way of saying i spewed in the i've got strong vibes it wasn't much gonna get done about it because like as you do get the fucking net out yeah as we walked away someone else goes i guess the chlorine will take care of that eventually

yeah and that's like that's the solution dive Dive in, you come up straight in the fucking pew. Yeah. That would be one of the fucking Maybelline moments. Yeah. It would be funny if the girls walk back into the bar and they go, how'd you go, ladies? He didn't fall for it. Looks like we're going to all go to bed lonely tonight.

We tried our famous pick-up line There's spew behind you And he took it literally There's spew in the pool You better get out and fuck us Quick, get out I'm amazed that There's a spa in our room That you can go into

Completely spew free I'm amazed that we live in a world Where swim-up bars are allowed to be a thing It just seems like a fucking recipe for disaster Well, I mean, it obviously caused the spew as well, I'd imagine. Yeah. I imagine. It did look a bit like...

There was a point where we're going, who do you reckon spewed in here? It's like a fucking guess who thing. You're looking around the pool and around the whole area going, who spewed? Which one of these attractive women with big breasts do you think it could have been? Yeah, I'd better look again.

Really just stare and do some... Use my powers of deduction and analysis to work out who think it could have been? Yeah, I better look again. Really just stare and do some use my powers of deduction and analysis to work out who the culprit could have been. It's guess who. You're not allowed to actually go up

and touch them and try and flip them down. Just whatever they were saving for breakfast in that hostel was what it was for sure, wasn't it? It wasn't the hostel.

This is the nice hotel. Oh, that was the nice one, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a loophole with the fuck well, not a loophole I think it's just general theft this is the nice hotel oh that was the nice one yeah I've got a loophole with the fuck well not a loophole I think it's just general theft

but in the swimmer bars you know what I mean because they're always like you don't have money on you or nothing like that they're just like oh what room are you on and I just tell them

any room I always just go 102 because there's always a fucking there's always a first floor you know what I mean so yeah

like that's it exactly 1302 it's like it's bungalow resorts lads what are you fucking on about yeah yeah they're like uh this is how we get rid of the pool bandit we start the numbers at two yeah yeah that's the new thing it's not like when i was in fucking phuket i stayed in the marriott there you know that on batang road like it's up on the hills right it was like Aiden Killian was doing some gigs

I was there with Glenn Wool hosting for them and that was the same thing I just first day I was only there for two nights I was like a fucker and then I just drank for free and left for free

for two days even Taco I was getting Aiden Taco Jones on it and everything I was like what the fuck just room 102 I remember he was at the bar I heard him go 104

and I said no it's 102 I corrected him on a fake number I was like if we're doing this we're keeping it up you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah that's a good little detail

yeah so what sorry you were staying at the Marriott yeah and then what it was free accommodation all that

I got some free food but I didn't get free babies oh you didn't get free ah yeah so you didn't quote your own room number is what you're saying no no no yeah yeah a different room yeah a different room when I was imagine that it so you didn't quote your own room number is what you're saying no no no

different room yeah definitely when I was so happy you're like fuck I was about to say if you didn't say

if you didn't agree to that I'm like this is not a hack this is charging drinks to your own room that's how we do it this is your first time in a hotel

when I was a backpacker two days ago when i used to travel around i uh would use my white privilege to its extent yeah because if you walk confidently into a swiss hotel or one of those big hotel chains at breakfast time they don't ask you like if you're a white guy yep and you just walk in there confidently, no checking. We don't want to run the risk of this. We don't want to offend them.

It's even better in Australia or Nordic countries. Switzerland or Norway, you just walk straight in there. Just look like you know what you're doing. Oh, man. So many good breakfasts. So many buffets. That would involve me being up for breakfast. I'm scamming past noon.

I feel like that's mine. Yeah, yeah, they don't do lunches. God, I'm just picturing the poor person at that Marriott in Phuket getting to the end of their stay, checking out, room 102, and just this, like, fucking Mai Tai bill as long as there are. And just the idea that it's maybe just like... I didn't even know he served Shirley Temple. Just the idea that it's maybe I didn't even know he served Shirley Temples just the idea that it's just

the wrong person who just goes absolutely off at the person behind the counter you're gonna be alright you were fucking loaded whoever it was

they were staying there you were oh so you're just gonna go yeah no worries I'll just pay for his whatever you know what I mean

I'll save a life save some time where's a photo of him ah I think he's from Liverpool or England. No, but imagine they're trying to describe me or you. It's like a character chart, isn't it? They're like, it's a white guy with an afro.

And they're like, no, he's not. Pay your bill. What the fuck? We had a big argument. We stayed in a hotel in Phuket a couple of weeks ago. And we had a big argument because when the bill comes, when we're checking out at the end, they go, go here's all the the stuff that you you bought in the room or whatever and it's like and here's your phone calls you made i'm like who the fuck am i

ringing up no no you made a phone call i'm like i'm not paying for the when we held the taxi up because we had to have a proper fight about the about the phone bill because they demand they insisted we made a phone call where would they they saying you called to? Great question. Like a local call somewhere. So we were supposed to pay for a local call and it was at 11.30 at night. And we ended up having a five-minute conversation about who are we ringing at 11.30 at night locally? We don't know anyone. Who are we ringing up? We were asleep.

That's a great argument to someone who doesn't know you. Who would I be calling? They're like, sir Sir I've just met you I couldn't begin to speculate About what your life is like Sir you know Everyone who works At the restaurants in town

You could be calling everybody Someone has said Hey Carl To every second restaurant You've walked past What was the cost Of the phone call Oh like fuck all

Like a dollar Yeah great Fantastic The principal This is classic Carl Chandler. It was the principal. No, in a third world country, there's no principles. You just pay the five bucks.

So, long story, did your wife believe this? Yeah, yeah. That's all we need to know, though. Because you obviously did call, like, stick it up in a brothel or something. She bought a ringing ahead. Yeah, yeah. Because from their point of view,

it's like they're looking at an actual phone record you know what i mean this is technology it's not like we didn't just ask the phone and the phone made it up yeah this is a matter of actual no but you know what i did i said you ring that place and find out what it is and you and then i'll tell you whether i call them and ask them if they were on the phone three nights ago at 11 3030pm and see what they say. Have you ever used this phone? I don't know. What the fuck? This is OJ in Thailand.

So now they've got another, at the end of the month when they get a bill, they've got another unexplained phone call to that same number because they've had to ring that number because of me checking on that number. Yeah, and maybe that original one was someone checking out of your... This is just someone called up like 10 years ago and all this is now is just contested bills. Your wife says, honey, it was funny when I woke up the other night

and you were talking to yourself and you said Bangkok sluts really loudly. I think you were having a nightmare. You were sweating because the bed was all wet when you woke up. You said, put me on to honey. That was really funny. So random. It was so weird, the stuff I do in my sleep. The stuff you stay in.

Man. You're crazy. The other day I caught the tram, the same tram home. I'm saying Bangkok sluts in my sleep. I was talking on the pod about the lead up to going to Thailand. So I did a big shred session i lost like three kilos or maybe a bit more just so i could go over there and go hell for leather and just eat three meals a meal and then i got over there got gastro got food poisoning lost another three four kilos and then i was like just someone took a picture of me

over there i was like oh my god it was less Phuket and more Philadelphia. I looked fucking properly ill. I was by his club. Yeah, yeah. I saw that you were sending me photos. Yeah, yeah. You were the fucking corpse. Yeah, I was fucking gaunt.

Oh my God. Camera's all, like the photo's all like blurry because he doesn't have the strength to hold up the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. Yeah, someone just took a picture. I was like, oh, I get this for the socials. And then they took a picture and then I was like, yeah, I won't put that one up.

I look fucking ill. Really? Having a great time. He's just bright white like a ghost. We won't name this person, but there's a Melbourne comedian who's done like a big shred session over like a year. And they're like, oh, look at all the, God, I'm feeling so good good and they put up a photo and it's like you look like you have cancer like you this

person you really don't look good like just go like in the face as well just like the real cheekbones you can't do it too quick that's the thing yeah you gotta let your body catch up or whatever well and also if you're a bit older too you're a little more kind of like getting frail. So it's like that doesn't, yeah, that doesn't help at all. Yeah, I've been doing a bit of research lately and apparently you should lose 500 grams a week. Okay. That's the thing. That's like a big shit, isn't it? What's 500 grams?

It's not, is it? No, it's a big shit. That's it. It is a big shit. Yeah, well, as long as you weigh 500 grams less, it's a lot of shit. I mean, use your scales, not mine. It sounds good. The shits get bigger.

You're like, man, I did a two kilo shit. That's four weeks work. That's crazy. Now, Kyle, now I don't know you particularly well. It's your first time doing a studio episode of the podcast. You let me in the house, but I came through the window. Exactly. You cased the joint already. I love that impression. Classic Liverpool. I tried to direct you to where we were doing this and you were like, no, no, I know

already. I'll give myself the tour. You know what I'm saying? I first met you or got to know you through friend of the show, Brett Blake. And so I asked him the other day if there was any stories about you that would be good to bring up on this podcast. And he sent me a voice...

He sent me a voice memo back. And no offence to the two guests who are actually in the room right now, but I thought I'll just play the voice memo of what Brett Blake thinks are the greatest hits of Kyle Legacy. And then we can get to the end of that and you can have your right of reply about these stories. He'll probably fucking put his face over my face when you do the post of this poster or whatever

yeah yeah so this is great we're just gonna hear the audio of brett blake this is brett blake's voice memo make sure you turn the volume down yeah i will say can we hear the misspelling of words yeah he is he is panting in like over the voice memo which he said was because he was at the gym i think maybe i caught him off the tail end of trying to spell cat so that's actually what's going on all right so here we go this is brett blake's kyle legacy greatest hits yeah we're all planning to get on mdma one night and he was waiting till after the gig to get on the bags with us but i mean my mate thought it'd be funny to put some in his drink before his show, and he fucking lost his mind up on stage.

But then the next day, I wasn't drinking, and he spiked my drink with vodka. I just had an orange juice, and he spiked it with vodka. And then I got pulled over by the cops, and I blew over the legal limit. Fucking cunt. And then, what else is there? Oh, one time, he was dating this girl and she was in

a like a film class or whatever i don't know and he wanted me to go and see this movie with him that she made um and he was madly in love with her but the whole scene was just a whole movie was just a close-up of her vagina it It made no sense. And then I just pissed myself laughing the whole time because I was so fucking high. And at the end, she got really angry at us because she's like, there's two dickheads laughing throughout the film and it was just me and Cole.

Okay, what do you think, Legacy? Where do you want to begin? God, I mean, the stories... They're all true. Put it that way. The stories would sound nice if it didn't sound like he was looking

through the curtains at us right now. It sounds like he was peeping Tom when he was like, yeah, I think he enjoys those yarns so

much he was batting off as he was telling him. I did think I'd set you up with thinking he can't talk and breathe

at the same time. He has to like finish his sentence, go straight back into it. How do you phonetically spell hello again? I mean in an ideal world you know I would have

just taken a you know I would have given you a cue from you know the stories that he sent but then the voice memo made me laugh so much I was like

I'm just playing this and Kyle can respond on air. It sounded like he was jerking off on a windsurfer. The hot air balloon noise in the background so you get your drink spiked you lose your mind

on stage I love the way he said that I was waiting after the show to get on the bags I don't do the bags I'm weird now

I don't do MDMA or shit like that so they spiked me for real like I've never done it before you know what I mean and you didn't

so you were up on stage just going wow this is a tougher gig than I've ever had before this is wow this hat I'm trying on is so soft

MDMA why am I trying on an eagle and I loved it I felt like I was getting a fucking blowjob from Jesus like it was sick

you know what I mean but I woke up the next day fucking sad and that never happened so I was like fuck this but a fucking blowjob from Jesus. It was sick, you know what I mean? But I woke up the next day fucking sad and that never happened. So I was like, fuck this. But yeah, it was before the show, comedians versus rappers. So it's not even me just going up there doing comedy.

I have to fucking rap as well. Like 300 people. It was Brett Blake's theory, if I guess. And they're all on it. So they spiked me, but he got me like a fancy beer, like one of those pale ale ones, a dark one. So he put it in and I'm drinking it. I'm like, this is weird, this. And he's like got me like a fancy beer like one of those pale ale ones a dark one

so he put it in and I'm drinking it I'm like this is weird this and he's like it's a fancy one just drink it lad you're a fucking pussy I'm like alright whatever

it's taste and horrible it's fucking full of MDMA you know what I mean it's like a potion it's fizzing up it's fizzing up on the fucking yeah

it's crazy this is a guy who's never paid for a beer in a hotel before you've got to remember it was in a glass as well. I was like, what the fuck? Jesus.

Drinking this Green Coopers with my pinky extended. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking bubbling like a fucking cauldron. I'm drinking it like that. And then, you know, when you start, like, I think it's called cami booting or dry heaving, you know, when it kicks in, when your mate kicks in, you start, like, you're, like, dry heaving a bit. And I was like, oh, fuck, maybe I'm just bevy or whatever bevy though whatever so i'm just like i'll just drink some more and stuff and then on

the way like this is like an hour it's kicking in and i'm like what the fuck i'm up and about now you know what i mean and we're on the way to the gig and i'm like yo i'm feeling fucking this is wild this like and then brett's like right before they're about to introduce my name we're like oh we've all we spiked you with mdma by the way 15 of them back in the room like i never said that would be good as the intro of you on stage. Just like, welcome to the stage. We just gave this MDMA kind of legacy. Literally.

And I came out there, like, open about. Like, literally fucking came out like this. I don't even know what I was doing. Like, fucking hit the ground. My name is Carl. I'm here to say. Yeah, yeah. Literally, I think I've done, like, fucking the whole Eminem album in, like, fucking two minutes.

My name is... Well, I don't even know. Can anyone tell me? Mom, spaghetti, lose yourself. Yeah, I'm losing my mind. I don't think I've ever said faggot more on stage. That's because I think I was that involved. Yeah, I did. It was fucking insane was fucking the love drug they call it the mic was i was deep throat in the mic up there and like i was just trying to rap and like you go up there it's like fucking mock of the week you go up to the mic so every time i'm like

i've got this and i get up there and i have nothing six times in a row and sit back down and be like alright let's go and then I'd just be like fuck and then I'd just sit back down like it was just no it was just

acapella right it was fucking the worst and then afterwards we fucking yeah afterwards it was like

we were just going fucking wild and all that sort of stuff and then we went back to him he didn't tell you this part but we went back to he had an Airbnb so obviously

I was fucking staying at his and he had an Airbnb that I'm was fucking staying at his and he had an Airbnb there on the couch and I was banging this girl at the time and she came over and I'm like I'm banging her

on the couch and stuff like that I'm like choking and stuff like that that's what they like I wonder why he didn't tell me this bit

he sounds like he was thinking about that bit and then so I'm like and I'm I can't even remember what I was saying

like I was consensually consensually yeah she requested to be yeah she's dead now but that's a different

yeah unrelated unrelated and I'm like who's the king who's the king like that you were not

no I was yeah so you're having sex with a woman and you were screaming who's the king who's the king like that you were not no I was yeah I like being called the king and you were screaming who's the king king daddy if you say king daddy it's over

I love this I hit up Brett thinking we'd be able to stitch you up you were just volunteering this yourself yeah you're giving us

better gear than he goes so I'm literally going who's the king who's the king and then she's like you should have been fucking strangling yourself she's

she's she's a treason as if and then I'm doing and then she's like Brett she's like

she's like pointing she's like Brett Brett and I'm like Brett's not the fucking king and then she's like no Brett's behind you so I turn around

and Brett's just stood there just being like what the fuck are you doing and then he'd woke up he'd got in the toilet and I go back to like we start laughing our ass off Brett's behind you. So I turn around and Brett's just stood there. What? Just being like, what the fuck are you doing? And he'd woke up, he'd got in the toilet and I go back to, like, we start laughing our ass off

and fucking die, me and Hannah. Oh, God. And then he comes back out the bathroom as we're still fucking and right before he goes into his room,

he's like, ring-a-ding-ding, you've got the king. And he goes straight back in. I like your, I like your befuddled response to, but Brett's not the king.

Yeah, no, I was literally shocked. I demanded recount. Brett's the king, and I'm like, what the fuck? She just starts naming things. I was like, he's the landlord. He's the landlord. He's the archduke, if anything. Just to pull you up on, it's not treason to kill royalty.

It's regicide. I thought treason is any attack against the royal family. Just to pull you up. I also don't know what it is. Just to pull you up and make the podcast funnier. I just don't want to get no- If anyone's listening, I am not related to the royal family.

Yeah. So Carl comes in with his zinger and he says it's actually not treason. Yeah, well if it's not called treason, what is it called when you're choking a woman during sex and you start choking yourself? What is the correct term for that? Real Prince Andrew. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, who's the prince? Who's the prince? And then what was the last bit he said? The last bit going to the movie that that girl made. It was like she was in film school or whatever, Victorian her name was. And it was like a tasteful piece, but she'd make a big fake bush or whatever.

And maybe she was wearing barbed wire underwear or something. It was something to do with pro-women stuff or whatever. I still can't remember what it was about really about like a you know something to do like pro women stuff or whatever I can't I still can't remember what it was about really I wasn't really listening but but I love that a woman

making a feminist short film is going out with Colin I don't know why she was wearing her we were

spared no detail about the choking but then this this feminist film I I don't know so I I'm like I love your feminist film fancy coming around

for a choke afterwards pan the camera up I want to get a look at that neck this bitch loves it rough okay here we go she's got the barbed wire on and we're just

he's making me laugh we're dying you know what I mean they're all there all the fucking theatre nerds film people and all that

it's not a family and you two absolutely and we're just we're so stoned and we're just like he's like I can't believe because I didn't know

what it was about like I knew it was that but I'd never seen the final thing she was trying to surprise me as well so it was like just so funny

that I was like alright opens with that shot I'm like alright it'll probably change or whatever that's just like the opening shot and it just kept

like being a pussy the whole fucking time and shit like that it was really and then yeah afterwards I was like alright it'll probably change or whatever that's just like the opening shot and it just kept like being a pussy the whole fucking time and shit like that it was really and then yeah afterwards I was like oh that was great and all that

she was like yeah but do you hear those people laughing the whole time and we were like oh yeah I don't fucking know where they were yeah really bad we were like oh yeah

we told them to be quiet they sound like pigs certainly not a couple of kings that's for sure yeah exactly you're like whoa I wanted to see the abyss not this one there's no water in this one Yeah, exactly. You're like, whoa, I wanted to see the abyss.

Not this one. There's no water in this one. He also told me a story, not in that X-rated voice memo, about you losing your virginity or attempting to lose your virginity. Your uncle trying to help you lose your virginity. Oh, yeah. Wow. Hang on, hang on. There's context to this for sure.

Kyle might not know this story. It sounds like a suppressed one. Sounds like Kyle had a king. He knew who the king was. Sounds like I had a fucking Prince Andrew, to be honest. No, I'd already lost my virginity before this. I was in Lake bloomer I was 18 what about you guys

16 still waiting yeah nice nice got 16 16 yeah fuck far out yeah

damn yeah I was late as well 19 19 yeah 20 20 oh okay

so fucking late 16 yeah and and so that was like six months later I'd went to like Camp America to like fucking like 16 yes lad and so that was like six months later I went to like

Camp America to like fucking teach basketball to like fucking Jewish kids and shit like that fucking deal with all shit you know what I mean

but it's like whatever hey guess what Jewish kids we have a guy from Liverpool teaching you how to play basketball yeah yeah yeah they were like

is he Jewish as well they're like no I'm like are are you sure? He's not. We have a guy from Liverpool going to teach you sport. Football? Yes. No.

Basketball? Fuck. Ezekiel is open. You know the usual stereotype for a basketball. Well, we've got something a little different. Aye, aye, aye. We've got the closest thing to a black guy without the parental complaints

yeah hold on to your hammockers yeah so I'm there coaching basketball they're fucking awful obviously and I come back

so it was like a family dinner we're back my uncle's excited to see me my friend Mark Cunningham is there he's like

oh come out with us we're hammered we're like 19 we go out somewhere and he's like oh come out with us so we're hammered we go over like 19 we go out somewhere and he's like i'll come with us um and we're walking somewhere middle of nowhere like you wouldn't be able to find you wouldn't be able to find this place if you didn't know you get to a door he bangs on it a fucking thing slides open he's like oh it's paul fowler and he's like all right sound and so we go in there and it's a brothel and then my uncle's in there dapping everybody up he fucking knows everybody what what's he doing it's just walking to a brothel but he knows everybody he knows everyone yeah he's there dapping everybody up he fucking knows everybody it's fucking what's he doing

he's just walking to a brothel but he knows everybody oh he knows everyone yeah he's like dapping them up and he's like dapping them up

yeah yeah what's that mean like shaking their hands oh okay yeah that sort of stuff and then he's like alright I'm gonna watch TV to give him the Skyrim

or whatever and it looked like he had fucking stuff saved on there as well to be honest it went straight to his account he was like

not even started the even start of the show middle of the show yeah all my stories are T-vote yeah I'm like alright and then so he's there and he's like

alright you guys pick two each and I'll pay and I was like oh fuck sick and I was like black Asian let's go

and my friend got like fucking I want to learn how to play basketball both women go wow he knows my name yeah the king is here Basketball. Let both women go, wow, he knows my name. The king is here.

So we go in there and I'm fucking hammered. Like I'm fucking hammered. I like how you're going advanced for your first go as well. What? Two at once for your first go. Well, that's what he, that was my uncle.

That's what he offered us. He was just like fucking, he must have been lonely at the time. You haven't even done it with one girl and you're going for Two girls or something I had I'd lost my gender Oh you had

But this is your second This is your second shag So you're just like Every time In your head You think every time You have sex You just add one more person

Once I get to 47th Root I'm just having a full on Full on gang bang Is it 1, 2, 3 Or is it 1, 2, 4, 8 You're doubling every time? I think you're

keeping the number of women consistent with the number of times you've done it just because otherwise you're getting too confused. This is a beautiful

mind over here. I'm like how many ones did I disappoint this week? So you're so so go on. So you're in there so he pays for it

and it's like you're just in the room so it's like thin walls you know what I mean like I'd head him outside with the TV watching the fucking thing and then like

I couldn't get hard you know what I mean that was a panic and they're putting the condom on they blow you over the condom so it's shit anyway you know what I mean so you can't really get hard

and then he was out there so I knew he'd kill me if I'm fucking wasting his money so like I tried to bang them but then I just was like can we just make noises or whatever

so I'm there like I'm banging on the wall then I just was like can we just make noises or whatever so I'm there like I'm banging on the wall you know what I mean and they're like yes ah ah like probably faking it all that sort of stuff like one of them fucking deserved the logi I'll tell you she she was killing it and that like that and they were all that sort of stuff and then we were like fuck I was like do you reckon that's enough time or whatever and stuff like that and then I heard Mark leave and I was like okay I'll go and he's like how was it and I was like do you reckon that's enough time or whatever and stuff like that and then I heard Mark leave and I was like okay I'll go

and he's like how was it and I was like it's fucking sick probably in a wheelchair now I don't know all that sort of stuff

and then it came out and my uncle bought it so yeah so fucking you know I'm better at acting on the thoughts I guess or those girls

probably done most of the heavy lifting I guess yeah they were all for it they were like, I mean, I don't think a lot of people

are like, hey, I can't get hard, but do you want to fake having sex for five minutes? They were loving it. You know what I mean? It was funny as fuck.

They're like, we still get paid to not fuck you. Of course they're for it. We were getting dressed as we were making the noises still. Oh,

really? We're like, oh, we haven't said ooh in a bit. I was just like slanking my own thigh like that.

That's like a pilot putting it on autopilot Yeah yeah yeah Hell yeah I'm just gonna sit back Chill out you know This is the The summer reruns Yeah yeah yeah

It was fucking wild Hell yeah Man I don't know how you couldn't get it up Man I would be rock hard If I was drunk And my uncle was in the room Yeah if I could hear my uncle watching the bill.

And he's paid for me to get sucked off. It's the horniest thing I could imagine. Hang on, my uncle's next door. Sorry, ladies. It's over. No, Legacy was like, I can't get hard until my uncle's in the room. Kappa, now the great day Is fast approaching

Yeah Christmas I love Christmas day You love Jesus Yeah Just do it in the corner W day Wedding day Nick Kappa

Is finally going to be Off the market Yeah Very soon So many depressed people Yeah Well you're one of them But yeah

Yeah the old ball and chain Yeah Excited It's about What two It's like five weeks away Or something like that Well, you're one of them, but yeah. Yeah, the old ball and chain. Excited? It's about, what, two? It's like five weeks away or something like that. I don't know. I'm starting to get excited.

Yeah. I think it might be five weeks today. I'm getting a very strong vibe of I don't reckon you've done much towards the wedding at this point. If you're not really, have a strong vibe of when it's on. Not really, no. No, I've done a little bit. I try to take an interest, but you know. Did you write the descriptions of your

best men and groomsmen that's on the invitation website? Yeah, yeah, we wrote those descriptions. Because your best men are your brother and Brett Blake and your brother's very like quite reserved, quite quiet man. And in the descriptions of them on the website it says,

the ice man and the man who looks like he's on ice. I was looking at it before going, like, this is for a wedding. That's great. Yeah, yeah. We're like one doesn't talk enough, one talks too much. Yeah, yeah, that was our thing. Yeah, yeah. I like it.

But, yeah, I think it's going to be good. Yeah, I'm into it. It's hard because – How long it i think it's gonna be good yeah i'm i'm into it like it's hard because uh how long do you think it'll last yeah i don't know i'm glad you're into it by the way i'm into it i think it'll be good i'm glad you're showing an interest it's like he's talking about his comedy festival show or something well the man's gotta have a hobby you know it is it is very funny i did get asked to support a uh quite a big us act like oh yeah yeah on the same day on the same day nice and i was like fuck it'd be funny if i ducked off and did a quick 15 and then came back well ceremonies at like four in the afternoon yeah you

know you'll be done you've been done in time to rip down there at 8 p.m man i i we booked a live perth podcast for the day. I booked flights and then Daslo went, you might want to reschedule that. Kappa's wedding's on that day. I'm like, what do I do? Jump on the plane. I do.

See you, Carl. Get out of here. Are you doing any comedy? Obviously, you've got Brett Blake, Best Man. He'll do a speech or whatever. You've got comedy like obviously you've got Brett Blake best man he'll do a speech or whatever you've got like an MC

we've got 90 as MC so yeah it was hard it was hard because 90 was like we didn't know

whether to have him as groomsman or best man or have him as because he's quite close to my partner as well so we didn't know have him as bridesmaid

or whatever like I will make him the MC so yeah it's going to be awesome Ben Knight yeah you used to live with him

you all used to live together yeah that's it so we were like fuck what do we do with Knight so he's the MC which will be wild

because he'll have fucking a lot of dirt on both of us he's got his hair done for the wedding which is nice he got his hair plugs put in

he's going to look good is it too late for me to get to Giga's flower girl at this wedding lot of dirt on both of us. He's got his hair done for the wedding, which is nice of him. He got his hair plugs put in. He's going to look good. Is it too late for me to get a gig as flower girl at this wedding? Just follow you down the aisle? Possibly. I don't even say flower boy. I commit. I go all the way. I'm impressed.

I thought it was going to be just a cavalcade of open mic comedians invited, but there's not too many comedians. We're invited. me and Tommy are going well you know I can't make it can I I'm not here I can't

I'm back home I reckon you'll be turning up uninvited I got a good feeling I'll see you then the last wedding I went to in America the fucking

my mate the groom his mum said that he said did you invite Kyle or did he just show up did he just show up it's fucking Connecticut America what are you on about I was just in up? I said, show up? It's fucking Connecticut, America.

What are you on about? I was just in the area. I know. Sorry, I thought all weddings were open mic, like the rest of my career. Oh, man. It's not a sign of wedding. I went out with a girl for like six months or something. Yeah.

Not even, I don't know if it was even that long. Are you practicing your speech for the wedding? Yeah. Guys, let me tell you. One time I rooted this bird who's not my now wife. Oh, yeah. It was awesome. Anyway, my wife, she's nice.

But this one I had far out before. What a rocket. You should have seen her. I mean, she dumped me. That's why I'm with her over here. But I think it was, yeah, I don't know if it was even six months. But I went to three weddings with her., but yeah. But I think it was, yeah, I don't know if it was even six months, but I went to three weddings with her. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. I was like, fucking hell. Like, just three of the best times of her life with a guy that she's never going to see. Oh, whatever happened to that guy lasted six months. Yeah. One was, like, at Luna Park.

Okay. And we were ringings. Like, they didn't, so many people dropped out at the last minute. Oh, right. And this one was like, yeah, it would have been worth over a hundred grand, this wedding.

Food and drink. Yeah. And everyone's just coming up going, oh yeah, I'm just having a good chat with me. And then they're like, so, who are you?

Have you got a B list for your wedding for if anyone drops out the night before? Yeah. Cause I mean, not to brag, I've got way more friends than my partner. Again, save for the speech. She's a real fucking loser. Maybe we'll sit on her side, Carl, just to balance this thing out. Please.

So she's banned me from inviting people. Yeah, okay. Yeah, she's banned me from inviting people. Yeah, okay. Yeah, she's banned me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you'd be using this as part of your bartering because you haven't had your bank card. Yeah. You know, you go to the butchers, you're like, how's about a spot at my wedding?

It's going to be open bar. You'll make this money back easily. Yeah, no. Yeah, so, but it's hard because my, as you guys know, and as listeners of this podcast know, I've had a very journeyed life. And I've got friends in all different sectors. Fuck, it's brutal. Is Ratty coming from Thailand?

Ratty, the cruise ship captain that employed you for three months? No, I didn't know how to get in contact with him. We've got to find Ratty. I've got some people coming from overseas, a friend coming from Washington. Oh, wow. It's going to be pretty awesome. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be awesome to see.

Because I didn't invite too many comedy people because you always kind of hang with comedy people. You're always hanging with them. Yeah. You know? And so I want my friends from the country and shit. You haven't seen for 10 years ago. Who the fuck are you? Yeah, yeah.

If I get a better offer for this night, if I get asked to open for that big American comedian, I might take the gig and that'll be my excuse. I see Kappa all the time. What do I need to be

at his wedding for? Yeah, exactly. I know the comedians are going to be huddled in the back of the room all together as well. You know what I mean?

Definitely, you're all going to be sat together for sure. That's it. I'm only inviting comedians with social skills and like no

yeah I don't want any of the fucking yeah I don't want any fucking like people going oh how are you fucking good dad

at the back of the room yeah yeah yeah oh what yeah that's the worst gig ever oh is it full on like proper like black tie

like shit like that like it's kind of it's a little bit formal as fuck yeah Like shit like that It's kind of Formless It's cocktail right It's kind of cocktail Like western themed A little bit

Where did this come from Yeah It's used to me Yeah It's used to me as well I got a bolo tie And all the groomsmen Got bolo ties

Well this brings me to something I was going to bring up So I'm going to Vietnam In three weeks And then for two weeks And I get back right before your wedding And I'm going to Vietnam in three weeks and then for two weeks and I get back right before your wedding. And I'm going to Hoi An, which is renowned as a great place for tailoring to get a suit made.

I've been there once before for a couple of days, but I didn't have anything. I didn't really see the point in getting a suit because I just didn't have anything coming up where I was going to need a suit for. But this is perfect. This is like the perfect motivation. A Wild West tuxedo.

Yeah, so I thought, you know, it's your big day. You're going to be, you know, you get photos done. You'll look back on these forever. I want you to have some kind of say in the suit that I get made up for your wedding. So do you have any requests for what you want me to be rocking? Yeah, I reckon, yeah, something cowboy. Okay. Yeah, yeah, something cowboy.

I'm thinking because you're quite an outlandish wrestler. I could say black But my partner talked me out of this Which is annoying Okay But I always wanted a lemon jacket Okay Like a lemon jacket, black pants

So you want him to come up and upstage you On the best day of your life I've got a pretty cool jacket You want me to be wearing your first draft outfit Yes You want me to dress like what your girlfriend rejected? And then I will take you to the honeymoon suite. Yeah, nice.

And then we'll make sweet lemon. Okay, lemon. I like lemon. Can I go full lemon? Do I have to have the black pants? Yeah, you can go full lemon if you want. Full lemon. Okay.

Wow. I'm looking. If you do this, Tommy, can I see the... I need some footage of the first, you know, the first trial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sizing up, whatever you do. What colour tie? It doesn't need a tie.

Doesn't need a tie. Black tie, if you want. All right, I'll go in day one in Hoi An and I'll get some stuff, I'll look at some options. Black tie, he's going to look like a fucking peanut M&M. Black tie. Yeah, I'll get some options and I'll liaise with you. I reckon the tie is the thing

that's going to be standing. Yeah, the fucking corporate wiggle over there. Corporate wiggle. All right, I'll go, I'll go. My friend wants me to look like a big lemon at his wedding. What can you guys do for me? Sort me out.

Could you paint your head and face yellow as well? Yeah. Guys, my friend wants me to look like a big lemon and also not to throw too many wrinkles into the mix. It's also Western themed. I need to look like a big

cowboy lemon. I need to look like I'm from the Wild Wild West but also from the Australian Olympic team. Just imagine Wyatt Earp being squeezed onto a piece of fish. Billy the Citrus Kid. It sounds like a Pixar movie, don't it? It sounds like a Pixar movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The little lemon who's a cowboy. Tommy the Lemon Cowboy. Love that. Yeah, he's just like diving a fork into himself and squirting juice into people's eyes. Just remind your wife, when she's your wife, that this is what's inspired the ruining her wedding, by the way. When this cunt turns up dressed like that,

just remember this is your fault. This is so funny because she talks about Tommy sometimes. She's like, I wish we could see Tommy more. I love Tommy. Tommy knows how. This seems false. Where's this going Tommy knows how. This seems forced. Where's this going? This is a long run up.

She's like, we always have so much fun when the girls and I go out with Tommy. And then she said something very cute the other night. She had a hen's party and she goes, I kind of wish Tommy was there. And I was like, what a fucking cuck. I was just about to say Every like wedding That I've ever been involved in I've always

Every like bucks I've been to I've seen like photos Or footage of the hens And gone God I wish I'd been at that They just like go out For a nice long lunch A few drinks

A bit of karaoke afterwards And then it's like You know the bucks is like You're in a fucking You're in a mud pit just like drinking watching your friend drink piss

it's just like it's just awful Tommy Bradshaw over here with the espresso martinis yeah in a mud drinking piss that sounds like the wedding did you have a stack there?

oh well it's coming up it's coming up. I don't know any details, so you can't expose anything. Maybe I also need a lemon-themed outfit for the Bucks as well. What do you guys think of this, though? Speaking of comics and friends. Is this about the Bucks?

Can we quickly say something about the Bucks? I don't know anything about it, so don't give anything away. Who's organising it for you guys? It's fine. Not us. Brett and my brother. Yeah. So there is an email that's gone around to invite us, and not too much detail or anything, but just the thing that got us was like, we're in the CC All email.

It's like, you know, you invited the Bucksers on this place, this time, this day, blah, blah, blah. And then a minute later, this time, this day, blah, blah, blah. And then a minute later, your brother replying all, sorry, not coming. Reply all. Reply all. Oh, I know. That's my uncle. Oh, right.

Still good. Sorry, I won't be able to make it. Cheers. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I won't be able to make it. Cheers. Enjoy reading the rest of these emails, Scott. Yeah, yeah.

Because he... I think he's buying you two girls in a brothel, though, to make it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He books flights like fucking... One of those people that books it like nine months in advance. Oh. And he's like...

It's too short notice for him. He's loaded as hell. Right. And I'm like, why the fuck aren't you coming to the box? He's one of the groomsmen. Oh. Right. Because the box is like a couple of days before the hell. Right. And I'm like, why the fuck aren't you coming to the Bucks? He's one of the groomsmen. Oh. Right. Because the Bucks is like a couple of days before the wedding.

Yeah. So I, because presumably anyone who's traveling from out of town, you just kind of like tack that onto the same trip. The hangover style? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Sick.

Dangerous. I mean, not that funny, obviously. It's a bit more hangover three, you know? People are trying to find Doug, everybody's just trying to ditch Kappa on his own books. It's a lot less high budget than The Hangover. Instead of Bangkok, it's in Kappa's backyard. Oh, we've lost the groom.

Oh, well. Happy ending. Life goes on. He's on the roof, he's about to jump off. Oh, we found him, he's in the fridge. Let's leave him there. Yeah, I can't wait for this box, dude. Kappa, I'm going to jump off, oh, doesn't matter. Oh, we found him, he's in the fridge, let's leave him there. Yeah, I can't,

I can't wait for this Bucks dude, Capper, I'm going to suck you off so hard. I'm going to fucking pin you down and suck you off so bad. Yeah, Tommy wasn't so much invited as he was hired

for the Bucks. Sorry babe, honeymoon's going to have to wait. I'm fully drained from Tommy. This snake has no more venom left in it Can we get Tommy in a cake? That would be wild

Oh yeah Yeah your partner's gonna see my A big lemon cake Yes Now you guys can't give anything away from the box But is Debra Lee Furness jumping out of the cake? Because that would be my fucking career Yeah she'll jump out of the cake, see you, and say,

wow, that's the second gayest man I've ever seen. It's a good multi-purpose format, isn't it? Oh, the real Wolverine. I'm used to an X-Man. Here's another X-Man. Oh, yes. I'm used to an X-Man Here's another X-Man Oh yes Oh man Well Is that going to do us

For another week Oh look I was going to say I didn't even get that reference But you guys enjoyed it so much That I joined in Yeah we'll tell you off air We'll tell you when you're older Debra Lee finesses

Hugh Jackman's wife Oh okay No So the wedding's All the best for the wedding Hopefully we'll see you when you're older. Debra Lee finesses Hugh Jackman's wife. Oh, okay. No, so the wedding's all the best for the wedding. Hopefully we'll see you at the Bucks party. We're going to see you at the wedding, but it's going to be a whole new life. I'm just looking forward to it.

I'm just hoping that because of the way that you and your future wife met, I was just really hoping we'd get a mention in the speech because, as we know, you met your wife because of us she was a listener of the show you met her on on a podcast festival and i was thinking if you haven't written your speech already i thought i'd do the work for you can't you were this close to not even going you were 10 pair of tickets away Hey, I was pretty close to not turning up to this podcast. I was nearly at home. So I've written a little insert for you.

How quickly can you cancel a wedding before it's a null? I've written a little insert for you. You can try it out now. See how it feels in your mouth. This can be... You can close out the speech. G'day, mates. Here's what I've whipped up for you, Nick.

If you can just try that out loud. Oh, Comic Sans. You just kept it late. Yeah, yeah. The funniest. And of course, the most thanks goes to Tommy Dasolo and Carl Chandler, the hosts of Australia's funniest podcast, The Little Dumb Dumb Club. You know, break for a pause.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be about five minutes or so. I'll be going to sit down again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people will probably start subscribing on their phones. Yeah. Nice little ad for us. When we walk down the aisle, I go,

Hey, baby. Oh, can we sponsor a wedding? Fuck. Yeah, okay. Look into this. Not only for bringing joy to the lives of millions of listeners, Hey baby Oh can we sponsor a wedding? Fuck Yeah okay Look into this Not only for bringing joy to the lives of millions of listeners As we all know But specifically for what they've done for me and Caitlin

Not only did they take a chance comedically on me A terminally open mic comedian And a man with more bombings than the Ukraine Wow But they brought Caitlin and I together At the biggest podcast festival in Southeast Asia Wow. I don't know if I'd write this. You're not writing it.

You're just reading it. And she was attending as an obsessed fan slash stalker. And on One Magical Life, after she'd been knocked back by both Tommy and Carl, she set her sights on me. And the rest, they say, is history. As in, not all history is good. For example, the Holocaust is a part of history. So please let us all raise our glasses to Tommy and Carl, the real heroes of today's event,

and let it be known that in thanks we promise to name our firstborn child Carl, or if it's a girl, Tommy. Yay! Nice. Wow. Not a dry seat in the house. That is beautiful. What a wonderful end to a great day.

Wow. So you said fit capita to slot that into what he's already written. I look forward to that being the entire speech. That's got about as many references to my wife in it that my speech. Yeah, nice, nice, nice. And now we'd like to bring on Dave Thornton to do an impression of Husey. That's what happened at Carl's wedding. All right.

Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Kappa, Legacy, thank you very much for joining us. Oh, yeah, yeah. Things to plug, Kappa. You've got a special taping coming up. Yes, on the 29th of July at 4 o'clock, Mike Goldstein and I are taping our shows from this year. Individual shows, one each? Yep, one each.

Or you can come to either, but it's cheaper if you just come to both. And yeah, we're doing that. It's cheaper what? So it's $20 to see both, but $25 to see them individually? Or how does that work? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, you can see them individually, but you pay $10 more if you see them individually. No, it's buy one, get one free.

Yeah, kind of. Who gives a fuck? Just go to both. Just go to both. It's a basement comedy. It's not going to be cheap in the cabins. Just pay for the first one, go to the toilet. When they clear everyone out, hang around, come back in.

And yeah, Mike's going to do a free meet and greet afterwards with all of the members and tell you all about Logie's goss, Title IX goss. So that'll be good. He has not agreed to that, but that's the deal. So the date is when? 29th of July at Basement Comedy Club, if it's built. Rings a bell. So yeah, make sure that you come along to that.

It's going to be awesome. I know a lot of people couldn't get to my show because it was late during Comedy Festival. Couldn't get to, didn't want to. Now you can come at four o'clock. I couldn't come because I thought it would have stirred up too many traumatic memories for me about the other times I've watched you do comedy.

Man, I went and watched your show and it was so funny. Uh-oh. There's this girl brought in like half an apple Danish. Okay. And just started munching on it like halfway through the show. It's got nothing to do with the context of the show. I love that. That fucking rule. I was like loving it.

My sugar levels are getting low. Oh, fuck. It sounds like a good show when you're concentrating on someone eating pastry in the crowd and Legacy you've got a special

coming out soon you were saying I've got a special coming out already taped it's not someone else's special did you tape it

off the TV where's my face I'm a delirious it's called Legacy raw delirious I filmed it at ID Comedy Club in Sydney last year but without it Where's my face over delirious? It's called Legacy. Delirious. I filmed at an ID comedy club in Sydney last year,

but with Edmonton, I'm doing a screening for the lads on Tuesday. It's like LeBron James comedy. It's just a crowd work half an hour, but it's like five minutes of me playing basketball at the start, getting blocked, talking shit to the camera and all that sort of stuff. And then it goes straight into the fucking special.

And you were saying that'll be on YouTube and? YouTube and Pornhub. Great. Has anyone uploaded it? I'm going to do it. Especially the Pornhub. I'm going to do it. Yeah, man.

That rules. That is very funny, the idea of trying to upload something to Pornhub and being deleted because it doesn't have enough pornographic material

in it. I'll have to slice in some black cocks or something. Just randomly, just in there honestly do that find out how much pornography has to be

in your comedy special for them to let it sit on Pornhub yeah that would be great trust me I've been watching I've been doing my research

for years yeah so I've been watching a lot of game footage I would find out the percentage insert it in, and let your comedy special be on Pornhub.

I would fucking love that. But I feel like, they never check that shit anyway, do they? You know what I mean? It'll be up there for ages before somebody fucking goes on it. Did you see that?

You saw that Netflix documentary about it or whatever, didn't you? Oh, yeah. It's not in care, yeah. Right. Also, I've got to say this as well.

I'm doing Dry July. Okay. And my sponsor Dry July. Okay. My sponsor is St. Vincent's Hospital, the one that helped me in my cancer treatment. So either do Dry July and pick them as a sponsor or sponsor me. Great. Yeah. Aren't you drinking an alcoholic seltzer right now? It's June.

It's June. Isn't it July? No. No, July next week. If you want to give me more money, I'll do June as well. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

And they've done it again. Oh, Bernard. A couple of, yeah, look, the return of Legacy. Some two avid couch surfers there, those two. Yeah, yeah, look, the return of Legacy, some two avid couch surfers there, those two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of stains being put on settees over the years due to those two. Yep, they were both sitting on this couch just here in this room. I thought I'd put down a couple of pillows and a sleeping bag for them just to make them feel comfortable.

Hey, gastro update from last week. Yes. Still crook. Going to the doctor after this because this is now coming up on two weeks. What? Yeah. Fucking hell. Not good at all.

Can you have gastro for two weeks? I don't know. Well, that's why I'm going to the doctor to hopefully be told that I've got something way more serious. Yeah. Look, I did four or five days and then looked it up because I was in Phuket and people are just like, oh, no, I just went to the hospital and got on a drip and it got fixed in three hours or something.

I'm like, fuck, I wish I'd read that on day one. Yeah, yeah. I thought I was getting better and then Saturday night I had tickets to a concert that I'd had for a while and I thought, all right, I'm not quite feeling 100% but I want to go to this. So I went to the gig. It was at this venue at the end of my street,

like very close to my house, and had had dinner beforehand with some friends, got into the gig, band hadn't started yet, but I felt the rumblings and I went, my options here are, I go and I use these absolute nightmare toilets at the gig. Band hadn't started yet, but I felt the rumblings and I went, my options here are I go and I use these absolute nightmare toilets at the venue or I leave, walk to my house, shit there and then come back. So I did that. Left the gig, came home, went back in. Went back in again?

Yeah. Did you have to keep walking home every time? I just had one major session and that kind of did me okay. Because I was going to say, because if it was anything like me when I was over these, it's like I'm coming back doing five-minute little segments every year. Yeah, yeah. It's like that's very funny to be in a band and then be like,

yeah, I'm just walking home for a shit again for the fifth time. Well, when I went back, I made that deal with myself like, if this happens again, I'm just going to have to call it and be like that's me out for good oh really but i managed to make it i mean i was only there for like another hour after that yeah yeah but not my favorite yeah not my favorite at all well i've just done i've just come here fresh from the couch my two other family members are crooks so um i was advised or I guess it's common sense to go and jump on the couch so I don't get crook or whatever it was. Oh, yeah. You don't get crook, but then you have a fucking appalling night's sleep.

So I've got that up my sleeve at the moment. So not too shabby. But anyway, it's okay. I'm not feeling too bad compared to gastro. Yes, exactly. I've had feeling too bad compared to gastro. Yes, exactly. I've had that. I had that last week. Man, I just feel like I've been, you know when you're like,

you really feel like you've been under it for so long that you're like, I can't even remember what it feels like to feel good. Like I haven't been to the gym. Like I've been too quick to go to the gym for like a week and a half and I keep seeing like posts from my gym of people like doing the workouts and I'm like, this looks like i'm looking at an alien race yeah like i cannot imagine feeling okay enough to be doing like box jumps and bear crawls and stuff like that at the moment yeah i just can't conceive of it so i feel like

now this has become my normal this is like my baseline right that by the time i get better i'm gonna feel superhuman man i i try and do this I can, and it will pop into my head occasionally, but I try and remember when it's – you're just going along like having a normal day, and I try and remember to go, hey, appreciate this. You're not completely fucked. Yes.

Remember those times where you feel like fucking killing yourself? Yeah. This is just your normal – you're having a bit of a 7 out of 10 day. It's like, just suck this in. I mean, this is the very common practice that people, that is very trendy to talk about now of practicing gratitude. But you've put a very Carl Chandler spin on it,

where what it's meant to be is you get to the end of the day and you're like, I'm thankful that I have this. I'm thankful that I have this. And your version is, remember when you wanted to kill yourself? Yeah, yeah. You don't want to do that now. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's practicing positivity by still also, by still also zooming in on the negative. Yeah. Comparing it to some dog shit. So you got. Booper gratitude. So you know where you are. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, what else is going on in our world? Not much. Not much. We've got the Kappa wedding coming up. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. I better, I better get shopping. The big present. Oh yeah. Yeah. And, I better get shopping. The big present. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You're going to actually get a present? You're not just going to chuck a little 50 into the wishing well? Oh, is there a wishing well? I haven't even checked. I don't know. I assume so. Every wedding has like a, you know, no gifts.

Come on, no gifts. But, you know, if you were going to, we will have a big thing set up for you to put a gift into. Yeah, that's what, you know, we've talked about it many times at my wedding had a wishing well where we were going on holidays to Italy so it was going to be expensive. And I remember Mooney giving a present and literally going, fuck you, I'm not giving you any fucking money. You can have a thing I choose for you to have.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, fair enough. And he actually did give a present that we still use because he gave a very nice little clock that we did need for our house. I'm like, fuck yeah, that was a good present. It's a good gift. I mean, yeah. I mean, obviously money is the easier thing, but you do really feel like it becomes very anonymous. Like there's no way you were at a certain segment of your holiday in Italy having a nice meal and a drink and being like,

you know what, thanks, Dasolo, for that one. That's specifically where he's my, you know, you're not, it all just goes into the ether. It just becomes the matrix. You're never going to be aware of it. Well, look, for the people at my wedding, at the very least, when it was all brought home and accounted for, at the very least, it wasn't that anonymous.

We went through the amounts that everyone gave and went, oh, interesting. Yep. So there's that. Yep. And as we have talked about many times, the people who didn't give anything was noted. I would like to do – that would be a funny thing to do of like, let's say, exactly your position.

Going on a holiday straight away, you get the money, you go on the holiday and you've got like a printed out laminated inventory of who gave you exactly what amount. That's good. And then you're just constantly like everything you're doing, you're like, oh, we went to the opera and it cost that much, which is exactly the amount that this person gave us. Yes.

So we'll write them the tailored thank you. Yes. This meal cost this much. I love it. This is that person gave us that. Yes. I love it. I love it.

Like a World Vision thing where it's like, oh, much i love it this this is that person gave us that yes i love it i love it like a like a world vision thing where it's like oh your donation bought two goats to get fucking chopped up and for dinner and all that shit yep i love that okay if i ever have a wedding and i have a wishing well yes that's i'm gonna make sure i do that yeah my honeymoon to japan um this anime body pillow was given to me by this person yes this anime body pillow was given to me by this person yes this anime body pillow was given to me by this person he soiled his pocket underwears yeah that's good yeah do you do your little selfie this night was brought to you by the thank you very much you did this yeah yeah that's a good that's a good idea i have regret i didn't do that now although yeah i mean we did we did send a

picture of us i think to everyone on the way back but yeah we we um we should have done that that would have been fucking good but having said that we're in italy so everyone's donations it would have been like yeah you got us a bus ride yeah yeah yeah yeah i got a packet of m&ms off the back of your donation you got us a train ticket and they turned up the train turned up an hour late oh my god um well let you know if you're listening and you're about to get married and you're in this position where you're going on the honeymoon straight away and the wishing well will be contributing to that,

take this system on board and let us know how you go. Do you know what's a great present? I would love to hear about this. A great present would be this. Sign up to our Patreon for someone else for a wedding present. On the $50 tier. Yeah, that's not bad. That would be very funny.

Because you can on Patreon, I believe you can get like a year subscription. They let you do like a year in advance now. So you get a year for someone. They're getting a year worth of bonus episodes. That's a good gift. Yeah. Oh, please let us know if you give a Patreon subscription as a gift to someone else. I would love to hear about that.

And it's so a year. And I would love to hear the reaction. Yeah. So a year subscription on the tier that gets you the bonus episodes. Right. What's that? 120 bucks? I don't know.

Something. Yeah. 12 months. Some of that. 10 bucks a month. $120. Do you even have that? Do we have that option?

Maybe we don't. Of doing it yearly? Yeah. I don't know. I think you might have to switch that on. Maybe I should look into it. It does tend to skew the numbers a bit because we turned it on for my other podcast and you have a month where it's like, oh, cool, all these people did it.

And then the next month you're like, oh, we've taken a hit here. And it's like, no, no, no, that's just because we had a month where a bunch of yearly people came through. Right. And we're not getting any. That's no, no. That's just because we had a month where a bunch of yearly people came through. Right. And we're not getting any. That's not happening again. We're not getting any. They're not paying a yearly subscription every month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. All right. Let us know. Let us know. I want to know who you get it for and what their very sad reaction is. Yes. Well, speaking of which.

Yes. Thank you to everyone who subscribes to our Patreon, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. The key to the lights on in here, literally. There's a light on just there. Yeah. There's one up there as well. There's two lights, yes.

We're at Tommy's house today. We're going to do it mine, but like I said, everyone is a bit crook at mine. Otherwise, it would have kept my lights on. I mean, it is keeping my lights on. That's the rule. Whoever's house we're doing it at gets the Patreon money to keep their lights on. I've got to pay for my own power at the moment because we haven't recorded anything there for a while.

Look, it is keeping my lights on as well. It's just not crucial to this episode or to a lot of the episodes. It's a pleasure time. It's luxury lighting, not work lighting. It's contributing less to the show itself and more to my daughter not bumping her head in the night and stuff like that, which is appreciated. Thank you.

Maybe let's say we're about to read out some names and thank some people who subscribe to the Little Dumb Dumb Club Patreon, which is another little incentive that you get for subscribing. Maybe we should say if you do buy someone a subscription as the wedding gift, let us know and maybe we bump them up the running order a little bit. Oh, yeah, good idea. Just to incentivise it, you know, because often it does take people a little while to get through the system.

Yes, yes. And, you know, if often it does take people a little while to get through the system. Yes, yes. And if, you know, if this is being done for someone's special day. Yes. We do, we'd like to say we don't really give preferential treatment, but I think we have to make an exception for that. Okay, sure, sure. All right. And, you know, maybe the person who buys it gets maybe a little bit of a mention as well. Yeah, exactly.

Fuck, what a nice little deal. Because it'd be nice to get it done very promptly so that they can be listening to their shout-out on the plane on the way to their honeymoon. Yeah. It'd just be nice to keep this all. Listening to it mid-coitus on the honeymoon. During the first, during the consummation of the marriage. Yes, during the loss of virginity. Yeah.

Just being carried over the threshold and hearing, hey, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck, what was it? On the weekend at Basement Comedy, someone walked in that was a listener of the show and then had brought mates or whatever. Yeah. So came in and went, hey, just really, you know, love the show. Thanks very much for doing it, whatever.

I'm like, oh, cheers, man. And then the partner walked in behind and went, oh, yeah, this bloke loves you, loves the show. Like, he's always listening. And I'm always hearing part of it. You know, I'm always hearing, hey, what's going on? That's not it. That's the best kind of interaction, I reckon,

the partner who's kind of like really throwing their mate under the bus. Oh, he loves you. He's fucking obsessed. Especially when they've come in and been like, hey, you know,, he loves you. He's fucking obsessed. Especially when they've come in and been like, hey, you know, I like the show. It's pretty funny. And then they're like, oh, he's always quoting you guys. He's fucking obsessed.

He's got the T-shirt. I love the I'm constantly hearing it. This thing of I'm sick of you basically. I'm hearing it so much. So many times you're saying, hey, what's going on? It's like you haven't heard it enough yeah that's not what we say yeah yeah i reckon you could hear it a few more times that'd be um that'd be my girlfriend if we ever happened to somehow meet shigeru miyamoto

the inventor of mario she'd be like god i'm hearing a lot about your fucking work from my useless boyfriend he's always going on about Pikmin this and Pikmin that, Donkey Kong this, Donkey Kong that. Is he alive? He is alive. He's 70. He's just about to – Huh?

He's pretty young considering. Yeah. Well, he's just about to bring out a game in like three weeks that he's been working on for like 10 years. And what I haven't really seen anyone point out is like that's probably going to be the last major thing that he works on. If he's 70 and it's taken him 10 years to do. Yeah. It's hard to imagine him chucking out a new product when he's 80.

Yeah. Well, thank you very much to Patreon subscribers, all of you, but in particular these ones this week. Let's narrow it down. Let's give some people a go that haven't been given a go in the Hall of Fame. Yes, the Stuart Hall of Fame. Stuart Hall of Fame or whatever it turned into after that. Very much appreciated. Welcome to the club, these people.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Glenn Brown. Glenn Brown. Hmm. Hmm. Jeez. You know what? That's almost an appropriate name because if Glenn, if the name Glenn had to have a colour, I reckon it's brown. Well, there's Glenn 20.

Yes. Which is like a, that's like an air freshener. Yeah, that should get rid of the brown. Exactly. Right. That you spray after some brown. Right, okay. I was going to say that could be a good name for me at the moment,

but it's more of like a fucking deep green at this point. Yeah. Right. That you spray after some brown. Right. Okay. I was going to say that could be a good name for me at the moment, but it's more of like a fucking deep green at this point. Yeah. Yeah. It is that. Look, you're not that far away from that lovely moment where you look down and go, oh, wow, I've just done a big old normal poo. Yeah.

How cool is that? I can't wait to do a good old fashioned solid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Glenn Brown. fashion solid yeah yeah um yeah man glenn brown it's just you know it's that brutal thing when you have to go to the doctor for something like this and you you know you're like well um so i've had this kind of gastro bug and then you're like you know they've heard it all but then just having to go and i'm still doing very liquidy poos you know what i mean it's like you know the doctor doesn't care

and you have to get that information across. But I've spent all morning thinking about what's the language I use when I get in there. Because I also, depending on what area you're a GP in, like what sort of suburb you work in, you would get people come in being like, yeah, I'm doing these runny shits. Like you must get some pretty fucking rough dudes.

We talked about it last week, but when I went in and got my charcoal pills and all that stuff i went to a couple of different chemists and the and one of the chemists was basically didn't speak english so i'm trying to mime out what's happening right yeah yeah and poo and all the rest of it yeah yeah yeah on top of that, this person – What were you doing? Were you like rubbing your tummy and then doing a bit of like motion out the backside? Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doing a bit of charades. He's behind you. Pictionary but with no pictures and more disgusting. That's great. Celebrity head but it just says diarrhea on top of your head. Yeah. Yeah. But you, you have to put that on the chemist's head and then mime it out for someone.

Am I famous? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Heard a lot about you lately. Um, but yeah, I had to, I had to, I'm trying to mime it out or whatever. And then, but on top of everything else, this person isn't a chemist. This is a person who works in a shop.

Yeah. Yeah. And the shop is a chemist. Yeah. And so who works in a shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the shop is a chemist. And so she's just like – Not like rigorous training over there to handle these. Not at all. So, you know, like I said, the one I turned – the one I got the actual gear from, she was all over it.

But this other one was just like, oh, man, yeah, I mean, I can – I was working in a 7-Eleven yesterday. This is my first day here. Yeah, right. So, yeah, she ended up just going i don't know this thing and it was like it's been a real recent history of me being in thailand buying stuff out of chemists where they're just where you're like shouldn't you be shouldn't you be trained or shouldn't you be like yeah yeah about what they're giving you but they're like yeah whatever you just is this is this a thing or i don't know anything in thailand uh at the chemistry

you need a prescription for like is there anything that they would not let you get like can you just rock up and get like oxycontin i well look i think it just depends on what chemist because like once i was going in and getting valiums from stuff they were it was that very funny thing like a like like you're trained you know when you go to a 7-eleven or a servo and they're trained to go you go and you get petrol and you go and they go did you want to get two mass bars for four dollars yeah they have that with chemist except when you're getting valium they're like so do you want viagra and um yeah right right all this other stuff yeah off the

back of it and it's like no that's okay yeah it's like but it's like literally getting off like they're just like straight away like if you're on this, you know, it's like Amazon. If you like this, then you might like this as well. Right. What if it goes the other way there where it's like stuff that's like just you can get off the shelf here is like – like you need a prescription to get Dimetap over there. So like Thai people are coming to Australia and being like, man, it's fucking insane. You can just get strepsils off the counter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nuts. You don't even need a prescription. Well, Glenn Brown, I stopped the Glenn Browns with a bit of charcoal last week, whenever it was. You still have the Glenn Browns. Yep. That's why Glenn Brown's still here.

We're thankful. I'll see what I get prescribed. I wonder if I'll get prescribed. I've never really heard of anyone taking the charcoal here. Maybe he will tell me to do that. I don't know. Well, I did. I did look it up and it was, it's one of those ones like the boiled Coke where they go, look,

there's no actual proof that this is what it's fucking doing. Right. But look, the proof is not in the pudding. The proof was in my bed. Yeah. Yeah. So if you had told me I would have brought over. I've still got charcoals.

I'm not taking them for fucking fun at this point. Well, I keep forgetting. I keep meaning to try some of this boiled coke. Yeah, get on the boiled coke. But I just can't be fucked. Like, what do I do? Pour the coke into a saucepan and heat it up that way? Damn, I really wish I'd thought of it. I knew you were still crooked.

We could have done it right now. I could have boiled a coke, had you drink it on the air yeah man please I might try like I'll go to the doctor and then on the way back I'll get a coke

do it please yeah please do it yeah and then we'll know next week finally and we'll hope that you clear up

the Glenn Browns yep we don't want this Glenn Brown to go away but the metaphorical Glenn Brown by the way I said in a passing riff last week something about like,

imagine my girlfriend cracking the shits because I've like fucked the breville by putting coke in it. And then a bunch of people on our Facebook page were like, oh, yeah, imagine if you did that. It would absolutely – like I said that to be silly, but people were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, imagine that. It literally would fuck up the kettle. And I'm'm like good to get that clarification because i absolutely would have done that and assumed it'd be fine like i wouldn't have thought oh that's gonna damage the kettle

forever will it will it is that what he said that's what enough people said yeah okay okay saying something to be silly i was like well that sounds funny and then people being like yeah glad someone pointed it out because yeah how would you be silly. I was like, well, that sounds funny. And then people being like, yeah, glad someone pointed it out because, yeah, how would you boil it? And I was like, yeah, that's what I would have done. So I guess I would just have to use, yeah, just put the saucepan on the – just get the scan pan out. Yeah.

Or maybe the wok. I've got this wok that I have. Yeah, do that. Walk up some Coke. That's good. Yeah, I like it. Do that and actually do a video of it. I'd like to see it. All right. Coke and the wok. Coke and the good. Yeah, I like it. Do that and actually do a video of it. I'd like to see it.

All right. Coke in the wok. Coke in the wok. Yeah. And then drink it out of the wok. Yeah, yeah. Just sluicing it down. Yeah.

That's great. Or one of those massive paella pans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that you can get that are, like, fucking gigantic. I like it. All right. Thanks, Glenn Brown. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ethan Sills.

Sills? S-I-L-L-S. The Sills family. Not the Tills family that we're getting the money out of, but the Sills family. I like the name Ethan. Do you? Yeah. Do you like...

Ethan Hawke. Like him. Do you? Yeah. What's your favorite movie ofke, like him. Do you? Yeah. What's your favourite movie of him? Gaddick is pretty good. Never seen it. The Before trilogy,

Before Sunset, Before Sunrise, Before Midnight. What's that about? Before Sunset is, he's travelling and he's on a train meets this girl and he convinces her to get off the he's got like he's flying home he's like flying home in the early in the morning he's just going to stay up all night until his flight meets a girl on a train

and convinces her to get off the train with him and just have this they just have this night together where they like kind of falling in love, just walking around the city. Yeah. It's cool. And then before sunset is like 10 years later and they reconnect. Yes. It's good.

Okay. Good movies. All right. Ethan, I hope you're in some, I hope your life is as beautiful as that. Ethan, I hope your life is as beautiful as that. I hope you get to hook up with someone of equal stature of Uma Thurman.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool. Boyhood. Did you ever see that one? Boyhood. Yeah. What's that one? It's about this little kid and he filmed it over like 15 years.

Yeah, yeah. I have seen that. I kept thinking it was called Boy, but it's not. It's Boyhood. Yeah. Yeah, that's full on. Boyhood was full on. Yeah um i liked it though it's cool that like watching it knowing like this is the same kid all the way through yeah yeah just started doing it and then it's a story fucking like six years you're getting a call from link later like we're on here yeah it's going through

puberty time to start the cameras it's not a doco it's a um you know it's a scripted movie yeah but it's yeah same cast and he and he shows over this long period and he wanted it to be authentic. So he committed to, this is going to take me 15 years to film in these intervals. There was a line in there that really got me, but now I can't remember the line. But I do remember it was because you're watching it and you're watching Patricia Arquette be the mum. Yep.

And then the kid grows up and he know he's like in the prime of his life and then patricia rickett's 15 years older and she just turns around at one point and goes i'm old now and i was like oh fucking hell it really got me in the cinema i'm like oh gee because it was like you know sometimes you sit there and you go man life has just zoomed by and this is going too quickly or whatever. But then you watch someone's entire life go properly by in one movie and you go, yeah, fuck me. I better fucking do something with my life before it's gone. Especially that too where it's like 15 years of these people's experience boiled into like a two and a bit hour. You know what I mean?

Boiled into a two and an hour movie like a Coke in a wok. Exactly. Yeah. I should watch it again good film from memory yeah I I very much enjoyed it

as an experience I don't know if I never if I ever have to see it again yeah I just don't remember enough about it you might

you know what it is a thing that you know sometimes you watch a movie and you go wow this is like a really at the time like a culturally like important film and what a great film and whatever and then six

months later it's like we never hear from that movie again i've never heard anyone talk about that movie again yeah it's weird isn't it some things just like yeah some things have that staying power where they're like talked about or referenced for the rest of eternity and then some things just burn bright and then they're just gone do you remember that movie what was the like the sci-fi movie um like a zombie sort of a movie it was like that south african one uh called area 51 or you know something like that do you remember that one it was a south african one yeah yeah yeah um district nine yes yes yeah yeah that was like huge at the time and it's like this is like the new new Jurassic Park or something. And then six months later, gone. Yeah.

Gone from memory. You'd never meet anyone at a party who's like top five films, District 9 number one, obviously. I've never even seen it on a streaming platform or I've never heard it referenced again. Yeah. It's just fucking, it's one of those, it's like the Mandela effect or something. It's like, was that a movie? Yeah. And like when it came out, people were like, the conversation around it was like, this

has changed movies. Yeah. This has changed the way alien movies get made yeah yeah now gone can you imagine making like a if if there's anyone out there who was working on a similar style boyhood type project yeah that they're working on for 15 years yeah and let's say they're maybe like three quarters of the way through and they're like all right you know we just got these like last two little chunks to do yeah and then finally this will come out and then all the me too stuff starts and just being like oh god if anyone that's in this film gets cancelled yeah there's 10 years down the drain yeah all this footage i've got i can't recast them because that was the whole fucking point yeah just like clenching being like please god don't let this little boy be a nazi but that's

what's so interesting about you know that seven up bunch of yeah yeah you know there's a lot of bullshit going on in there but it's like fucking hell you know you get to 35 up and some of them just go i don't want to fucking be in this thing anymore this sucks this is ruining my life. Yeah. Well, thanks, Ethan. Ethan Sills. Ethan Sills. Sillsy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lauren. No, I shouldn't say Lauren because it's not that.

It's Laura. Laura. Laura Pearson. Laura Pearson. Yeah. Thank you to Laura Pearson. Okay. Yeah.

P-A-R-S-O-N. Mm-hmm. And then Laura is spelled L-A-U-R-A. Yeah, just like every other Laura. Oh, right. The way that you spell Laura. Yes, exactly. That's so weird.

Yeah, exactly. You nailed it. Laura, love the name. Good name. Yeah. Yep. Very close to Laura Palmer. Mm-hmm. The star of, not the star, the character in Twin Peaks that everything was based around.

Yep. Wrapped in plastic lady. Mm-hmm. I was just thinking of her when you were talking about the Nintendo guy that's 70. It's like, this is his last thing. It's like Twin Peaks, the remake, not the remake, the second, the third season. Third season, yep. Came out and everyone's like, can't wait for the fourth one. And it's like, man, this cunt just took 10 years to make this one

and he's 75 now. It's not happening. Yeah. Do you reckon Lynch has got anything left in him? I don't think so. Does he have anything on the cards? I don't think so. I mean, fuck, Scorsese's got a film coming out, I think, this year

and then he's also started work on the grateful dead biopic he's a different dude i totally but i mean he's still what's he 80 maybe he's fucking still he's showing no signs of slowing down he's pumping away that guy's down the coal mine fucking david lynch is off with the fairies yeah yeah yeah there's no way like there was a thing there a while back where they were like oh he's making this big announcement tomorrow and it's like i think this could be the the next twin peak series like there's a chance it could be and then the next and the announcement was literally him giving a weather update yeah sick yeah it's funny like what's the thing where like tarantino from like day one was always like i'm only gonna make x

number of films and then he's well yeah but you know he him saying that early on and like i think he's i think he's up to it he's got like one more to do or whatever and if you're a marty who's just been absolutely plugging away this entire time like you must just like still working when you're 80 you must just hear something like that and be like fuck you oh it's so fucking stupid yeah it's to go like 25 years ago, I'm going to make this many movies. And then 25 years later, as a grown up, you're going, oh, I better stick by that thing. I don't want to be a liar. Yeah.

Who fucking cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I find it. But I've seen him say stuff like that where it's like, yeah, I mean, how am I going to use that last two movies? Shall I do a Star trek movie or this movie it's like man instead of worrying about it just do whatever the fuck you want yeah there's no one's

holding you to this it's quitting comedy it's like oh please don't please don't stop making movies quentin please we need more feet pics yeah we need more movies where you fucking just rip off scenes from old other movies. Yeah. And make your own that no one's realized. Yeah. Who fucking cares? But who do you know who I do care about? Laura Pearson.

Martin Scorsese? Laura Pearson. No. I hope she hasn't said, this is how many months I'm subscribing to these guys' Patreons. When she subscribes. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah. And if's it. Yeah.

And if she does, I hope she's grown up enough to go, you know what? I've got to the end of the month that I promised myself. But I'm a big enough person to say I was wrong. Yeah. I need to subscribe for much longer. Imagine getting that message attached when you get the Patreon subscription. Boys, just letting you know, I'm only subscribing for 10 months. Yeah.

And these are the 10 months I'm subscribing for. I picked them out yep one's a wild west month one's a fucking two of them sequels yep um most of them are bungled heist movies i'll be honest yep bungled heist as you know i'm going to come in and steal the patreon money back off you out of your houses yes that fuck wouldn't that be a wild move if we get a Patreon subscriber who basically for a month goes, those were four shit episodes. I want my money back. Oh, don't invite me. I'm going to find where you live. Don't put this idea into people's heads.

I'm going to come through your Ethan window sills and I'm going to get the money back out of your house. Don't introduce the idea of quality control to those people. Fucking hell. through your ethan window sills yeah i'm gonna get the money back out of your house don't don't introduce the idea of quality control to those people fucking hell that would be good well you know look we've been talking about this for years but there needs to be patron tears where it's like okay you you sign up you're allowed to complain you know i see we get messages where someone goes oh fucking this fucking that and then a lot of the times i'll go i'm gonna check to see if this cunt's on fucking patreon yeah yeah

no they're not yep shut up then well not to do too much nintendo talk on this but there was a thing recently where some guy bought like i think it's like 35 000 worth of nintendo shares oh so that he could turn up to an agm and complain about something in one of their games. Right. Just turns up and is like, boys, it's absolutely fucked that you don't let these little characters wear hats in the game. Great. And it was literally something like that.

It was like the customization. I want four lives, not three. He was annoyed that there weren't enough different options for like different hats or something in the game. Wow. Awesome stuff. Kyle Legacy style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Do you still get, because I mean, obviously I don't play any of this stuff, but do you still get like the old video games, you'd always get like three lives was generally the thing, wasn't it? Yeah. No. Is that a thing anymore? You don't really have lives anymore.

Don't have lives. You'll have health, but like, because the game is, because it used to be the game where you would die, you would get game over and then you would go right back to the start, like the very start. Right. But that, because it's like, you're constantly saving now anyway. Yeah. It's kind of irrelevant to have your lives run out. Oh, okay.

So you have like a health meter and you might like die and restart at like the start of like a certain area, but you don't go all the way back to the start. Right. But I did like reading that story during the week i was like wow you can do that just spend enough money on shares of a company and then you just get to turn up and complain as like a as like a fan yeah it's like why are we hearing about this all the time all right you know what let's change the tier let's change the tier name on patreon from from this week on the tier is you are allowed to complain.

That's it. Shareholder. Yeah, shareholder. You're allowed to complain. A seat on the board. Yep. Chief bitch, you're allowed to fucking say whatever you want about the quality of the show, but that's really just to make it distinct from everyone else who is not allowed to say

anything to us at all. Yep. You are just not allowed. not allowed to say anything to us at all. Yep. You are just not allowed. If we had, imagine if like everything we did, we had to put to a vote between us and like seven randoms to see if we're allowed to fucking do this thing on the show. Yeah.

Every week. Jesus. What a nightmare. That would be funny. Thank you, Laura Pearson. Thank you, Laura. You are officially allowed to complain about this read that we've done about your name. Yep.

About the read about Ethan Sills and Glenn Brown, if you want, as well, on behalf of them, if you want. Speaking of dying, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Die Star. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's the same word, but in a name form. Exactly.

Now, you know who this person is, don't you? Perth's very own Tommy Daslow Yeah This is a person from Perth And this is someone who's stuck around We did Patreon episodes a while back, a fair while back Where we thought this is funny Let's talk about the history of comedy in different cities

And by history of comedy in different cities. And by history of comedy, let's just bitch about the comedy scene in different cities. And we did the city of Perth, which we were mildly obsessed by, the comedy scene there. And we did a couple of episodes with ex-Perth, ex-Perth-anality Mike Goldstein. Ex-Perth- ex-Perth-anality, Mike Goldstein. Ex-Perth-sepo, Mike Goldstein. Yes, ex-USA, ex-PER, Mike Goldstein.

And we talked about Perth comedy. And the funny thing was that as soon as we did that, we put it up on socials. It's like we dished the dirt on Perth comedy. All of a sudden in the inbox, it's like new subscription from Perth comedian, blah, blah, blah. Perth comedian, this is on. There was a bunch of Perth comedians. Get mad at us.

And also for context, we did this during lockdown over Zoom, something to do. And then it's like all these Perth people getting on and being like, oh, fucking good one, boys. And it's like, you guys are free, living your lives. Let us have this. We have nothing else. Yes.

This was something to fill the time for an hour okay but also i think we talked about other cities like comedy scenes and no one gave a fuck but perth was the one that was like we need to hear this and fucking you know yeah but anyway one guy in particular but yeah yes one but and you know look i i don't like to think that he's indicative of Perth because this guy's obviously got serious mental health issues, I think. But die start. So she was in that – she subscribed in that flurry. Is that what you're saying?

Yes, absolutely. Because I do know she's been a listener for a long time. She's listened to the pod for long before that. Well, this is what put her over the edge. A bit of old-fashioned Perth gossip. And she still sticks around. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, that's good.

Because I do know from you telling me this at the time, a lot of those Perth people, they got on to hear that and then they just left immediately. Absolutely. Yeah. Yes. So good on her for doing the right thing. Because she's not a comedian.

Yeah. And the others were. And so the others just wanted to hear their name. They were just subscribing just in case they got mentioned. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So unless we had a segment every week about Perth comedy, they're not subscribing. That's not a bad idea to try out to maybe get them back.

Yes. Could be worth an extra, like, I don't know, 50 a month. Yeah. Maybe every Patreon episode from now on we just have Perth comedy corner. Perth corner. Yeah. Well, maybe we owe Dice Star something about Perth because of this. Because this is what got her in.

Oh, sure. Yeah. What do we know about Perth? We've got any gossip. I mean, we've got a Perth show coming up. We do. That's not really goss though. Yeah.

But, I mean, it is. November the 4th. Is it? I believe. Yeah. Saturday, November the 4th. Yeah. Sounds about believe, yeah. Saturday, November the 4th. Yeah, sounds about right. Yeah, no, that's a good little reminder of people in Perth.

Go and get your tickets to the November gig. That'll be fun. We're currently talking about guests just before the show. Yeah. Yeah, so that'll be good. And we were – well, there you go. There's something about Perth. We were discussing about who from not Perth to make sure is in Perth at the time.

Yes. So we could use them as guests so we don't have to fucking use any comedians from Perth. We've got one non-Perth person coming over confirmed. Yes. We're looking at a second non-Perth person. Yes. And then if we must, maybe we'll get one Perth person that's knocking around. If we really fucking have to.

It's like being at sea. Okay. Well, if we have to drink our own piss, I guess we have to. That's it. Including we're talking about maybe asking some people who currently live in Perth, are originally from Perth, but spent a long time not living in Perth. So to us spiritually, it feels like we're not really using a Perth comedian. Made their name in another city.

They've got enough non-Perth in them. Yeah, that we still feel like we're gaming the system. Right, right. We can't. Is that the new rule? We can't use any 100% Perth people? Yeah. Yeah, no people that the night before the gig tell us a funny story

and say, bring this up on the pod, and then when we bring it up on the pod they get mad and refuse to tell the story. Fucking hell. That's the Perth gene. That is too Perth, actually. That's very Perth. Jesus Christ. Fucking nightmare.

Anyway, that'd be good. That'd be good. Perth. Hey, how's that, Di? Is that good enough goss for you? I'm trying to think what was the last thing I heard. Perth. Hey, how's that, Dye? Is that good enough goss for you? I'm trying to think what was the last thing I heard about Perth. I haven't really heard of anyone being there lately, as in like comics going over and doing gigs there.

I haven't spoken to anyone who's been over there recently. I talk a lot to the guys that run the Oasis Comedy Club over there. Oh, yeah? Shout out to them. What's their goss? What was the last bit of goss you heard from them? There's no goss. I can't think of any goss they said to them. What's their goss? What was the last bit of goss you heard from them? That's no, no goss. I can't think of any goss

they said to me. It was more, it was more, your dog is going fucking mental. Your dog hates Perth. Yeah. Fucking hell. Sorry,

sorry Kewpie, talking too much about Perth open micers. Apologies. Yep. Sorry about that. Well, you know,

he's, my, my girlfriend is from Perth originally. Oh yes. So he's, you know, my girlfriend is from Perth originally. Oh, yes. So he's defending her honour. Yes. Stop talking shit about my mummy's hometown. Is she coming when you go to Perth?

Are you going to bring her over? I don't know. I did say to her that we're going if she wants to use that as an excuse to go on a little family visit. But I don't know. I don't know i don't know i think she like she kind of she sort of she has two jobs and she works kind of like weird alternate days and she's just taking a bunch of time off because we're going to vietnam in like three weeks yeah so i think she might i

don't know it's always a bit hard for her to like you know it's that thing where it's like oh cool i'll take this time off to go and see my family and immediately get annoyed by to like you know it's that thing where it's like oh cool i'll take this time off to go and see my family and immediately get annoyed by them right you know what i mean so i don't know i don't know maybe it'd be fun if she came but yeah yeah well um the one of the people that uh run oasis comedy just messaged me going um uh can i give you a ring i'm out walking my child i need fucking someone to talk to. So as I said, well, I'm currently in the middle of this Talking Dumb Numb episode. I'll give you a ring when I get out of there.

So maybe I owe Di Star some Perth gossip, comedy gossip next week. I'm going to find that out. Well, you can get the gossip. We can do it on the next Patreon episode that we do. And then Di can hear it there. Well, what about this? A quick little shout out because I think Diarr, she runs a gig in Perth. Yeah.

So that's a good thing, isn't it? The Laugh Resort. The Laugh Resort. Yeah. Okay. Well, there you go. That's even better than gossip. Yeah.

A shout-out to a gig. If you're in Perth and you want to go and see stand-up comedy, that is a venue. Yeah. The Laugh Resort. Yeah. Delarfe Resort. Yeah. So there you go. Boom. And the gossip I heard about that is they all – no, I won't do that.

Thanks, Di. Thanks, Di. Let's do one more because I need to talk to some Perth people. I need to go home and you need to go and get your little – I need – Your bum-bum fixed. To go get my bum bum fixed thank you very much to patreon subscriber oh wow that's a coincidence the person

you're you're actually about to go and see thank you thank you very much to patient subscriber dr comedy dr comedy yeah yeah right yeah like dr mario yeah yeah so just uh you get ready for a giant oversized cork to be stuffed up your ass. Yeah, okay. In about 10 minutes' time. All right. That's pretty cool. Yeah.

Getting my medicine administered through a little flower on the lapel. Yes. Open wide. Yep. Yep. Squirt straight down your throat. Yep. And maybe a few charcoal pills in a custard pie.

Slam that into your face so you can drop that down. He gave me electroshock therapy, by which I mean when I shook his hand, he had a buzzer on it. Do you get that for diarrhea, do you? Electroshock therapy. We need to go fry your brain so that you forget that you have diarrhea. Yeah, you're right. That's how we fix it. Right, yeah.

The part of your brain that makes you shit your pants. Yeah. We need to get rid of that bit. Well, the gut and the brain are linked. Okay. There is a link there. Like acupuncture. Yep. Exactly. All right.

Okay. Well, good luck with that. Well, thanks, Dr. Comedy, is what I'll be saying when I'm shitting right. Yeah. Again, thanks, everyone, for listening and for supporting the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. We'll see you next time. See you, mates.

Peace. Peace.