The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 665 - Tom Ballard & Danielle Walker

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

This week we're joined by TOM BALLARD and DANIELLE WALKER, as we audition for a new theme song! Could this be the start of a new era for The Little Dum Dum Club? Will we get enough other submissions to start our own theme song Battle of the Bands? We also get updates from Karlchella 2023 and of course, we dive even further into the Danielle Walker set list as we hear about dog food, prank phone calls and belly dancers. PLUS in Talkin' Dum Dum, Tommy's announcing a new bootleg operation. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Danielle Walker. If you want to support the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon, you are very free to do so. We would very much appreciate it. Get onto patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Get yourself two bonus mini episodes with special guests every week. And go into the drawer to get your name read out and thanked at the end of this episode. Oh, I can't wait to hear the end of the episode. Talking dum-dum. But in the meantime, let's listen to the precursor to that, Tommy. Enjoy this, Tom Ballard and Danielle Walker.

Hey, mate. Welcome. once again. Hark, the siren calls. Into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good to be here.

And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Tom Ballard and Danielle Walker. I feel like we're going to get lured onto the rocks, Tommy, with that siren call there. Yeah. Comedy. That beautiful young maiden there on the shore. Yeah, exactly. The dog's hating it.

He ate a pen just before you got here. It's been a huge day for him. A full pen? Well, he's got ink all over himself. He looks like a little bisexual they-them dog. He's got little streaks of blue through his head. Oh, okay. Like he's going to be down at the park's got little streaks of blue through his head. Oh, okay. Like he's going to be down at the park doing

Steven Universe cosplay in the next half an hour. God. I was messaging Danielle about it before she got here and she said, oh, do you think you'll have to take him to the vet?

Don't put that in my head. Don't float that idea. He seems fine. What? You're like, I think my dog's gay now. Do I have to take him to the vet?

You're a genderqueer, Marks, isn't that? You little kimpy. Yes, you are. So, yeah, we just got to keep an eye on him. I think he's okay. I don't think he swallowed too much of it, but it's stained his mouth. Stained the little hair on his mouth. Joker style.

My dad thought my dog was gay and he really wanted him to have puppies. And so he kept trying to lift him up onto the back of the girl dog. Did your dad ever try that with you, Tom? No, my family's boring and normal. They didn't try and lift you on top of a dog? Get a load of that, Tom. She's a beautiful bitch. She's on hate.

It's a slippery slope, everybody. You allow gay marriage and then you try to get gay dogs to fuck other dogs. So did this ever work, just lifting the dog up and putting it onto the back of another dog? No, but now I think I realised just then that, because my dog squatted when it peed, that maybe it was, it might have been, he might have been trans, like the dog. Because it was peeing, and then my dad would try and show it how to pee. And I'd try and get him to lift his leg when he would pee too. Well, Kewpie's still squatting.

And I got followed on Instagram just yesterday by a dog talent agency. I want to make my little boy a star. And, you know, it's all diversity hires these days. So, yeah, we've got to work the angle of Kewpie. You know know just a straight white male dog yeah he's never gonna get any gigs so that was an excuse that he ate the pen you were just dying hang on so did you force him to eat this pen yeah i would have thought that eating the pen would be a sign of neurodiversity which you know that could help you out yeah that

dog's gonna be on the gala before you are, that's for sure. That would be. Actually, there'd be not a shred of jealousy in me. I would actually love that. Keepy walking out and doing five minutes, cutting to someone in the crowd just checking their watch while he's on. Yeah, just doing cabaret old school jokes. Yeah, cruise ship stuff.

Not even, hasn't done the real work. Fuck that dog. Everyone that we know is done the real work. Fuck that dog. Everyone that we know is going to be bitching about that dog. Just famous from podcasting and now he just gets to stroll on, do his first gig at the gala. Opening with some hack material. Doing a bit of, oh, did you know we had a prime minister that drowned? Yeah.

Oh my God, I can't believe this dog's getting away with this. Have you ever noticed the difference between cats and me? That's good. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's really good stuff. Why did your dad think

that the dog was gay? Because he wouldn't, because he kept getting Nana and Grandad's German Shepherd around when she was on heat to try and get Sarge to make babies with her

and he just wouldn't get up on her. Was he a German Shepherd? Yeah. Okay, right. Do you think dogs are racist as well, though? I just think that could be another reason. Is the dog Jewish? So what, just because the dog wouldn't have sex with this one particular

female dog, your dad was like, must be gay. I mean, look at her. She's hot ass. We tried with others. I'd fuck her. We tried with others, but he just wasn't interested at all. Yeah, right. In doing it.

And yeah, and then yeah, dad also tried to get him to lift his leg up when he peed. But I think he was. Oh, wow. That's how freaked out he was. He was like, my dog's not even pissing straight. I've got to fix this. My dad was obsessed with, I think he was upset that he was the only man in the house because it was mum, me, and then my two sisters.

Right. And he was obsessed. And gay Fido. Yeah. We'd only get boy dogs because dad said he needed like a man around. Around. This is toxic masculinity. I need someone to watch Blokes World with.

Otherwise I'm just sitting here by myself. It's boring. That's a tough gig being a gay dog on a farm. Well, I mean, just acreage. And then when we moved into suburbia, just dad, yeah, I guess trying to get him again to be masculine. When dad's not really that masculine either. Why not?

He wouldn't hop up on your mum? What? Well, I don't know. You're lifting him up. I want a sister. My sisters were IVF, so technically there's no proof because I'm not Dad's biological daughter. Oh.

I mean, maybe don't. Yeah, this is probably... I probably shouldn't say this. Another wacky Danielle family story. What are they bloody like over there? No, I'm sure dad fucks heaps. I'm getting that impression. I really wish I hadn't have said it.

Yeah. Yeah, no. He's just, he likes golf and stuff, you know. Yeah. Yeah, he wasn't allowed to go fishing. He can't be gay and play golf. Yeah. It's never happened. No.

Is there any equivalent of the reduction of horniness? Like once women go through menopause, their libido is slightly changed, my understanding is, somewhat. I don't know. I've not been through it yet. You haven't talked to your mum about that. I don't know. I've got no idea about that.

But I'm going to say, I don't know. I'm going to say they're still horny, but that's based off what mum's been saying. Is there a point with men where their libido changes? Yeah, where their blood sugar's up. But then you hear stories about like in aged care homes and nursing homes, people are fucking like... Yeah, and like 70-year-old men will like pump out kids.

It's true. Yeah, no, you're right. There's those cliches because you see on TV all the time people going, oh, yeah, you know, they can't get it up. That's what Viagra's for or whatever. Yes. But then you see those guys in retirement homes where you're like, who is saying yes to that?

Didn't De Niro just have a baby at like 80? I think so, yeah. And Pacino. Yeah. Pacino. Pacino has got a girl pregnant as well. Yeah, she's 29. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. But she's got a type. She's got a girl pregnant as well. Yeah, she's 29. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. But she's got a type. She's got a type. Oh, yeah, her ex was like Mick Jagger or something. Yes. What the hell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

Damn. Dudes rock. Well, people would have heard at the very start of this episode our theme song, our famous theme song that they hear every week that was a strong word well we talked we were talking recently on the show about uh yeah you know it's it's we use it we've you know we let's just leave it at that yes we just use it yeah and we were having a discussion about that on the pod now we got an email from a listener yeah who's in a band right who's written a theme song for us. Oh, wow.

The band have written a theme that we're welcome to use it for. We didn't use it, but I quite liked when we talked about the dormant dum-dum podcast in New York. They had a good theme that we could have just stolen. We were just going to pinch theirs. Well, that's what this person's referring to, I think, when we were talking about that. So this band, they've written a song for us.

They said, we're welcome to have this if we want. Do we want to? I haven't listened to it yet. Oh, really? I thought we'd do this fresh. Right. You know, maybe if I was more professional, I would have vetted this. But I wanted to have an honest response to it with you guys.

What's the name of the band? The band of the name is Reverend Ivan. So you haven't vetted that. You haven't vetted your dog here. No. No vetting today. So, all right. are we ready for this? This is the Dum Dum intro from Reverend Ivan.

Potential. Potential. All right, here we go. All right. That's podcasting, baby. Got us again. Wow. All kill or no fill it.

All right. G'day, Dickhead. God damn, we're going to have a lot of fun. Rock solid hour. Dope, dope. Is there anything more depressing? Fuck you. I don't mind it.

I don't mind it. To come out on the words, is there anything more depressing, straight into this. No, because it would be, is there anything more depressing Straight into this Because it'd be Is there anything more depressing Hey mate What a segway Yeah I don't mind it

I do like the podcasts Where their theme You know they've got little They've got little You know quotes Little grabs Little sound bites From the show

It sounds like the intro To like the footy show Yeah That's what's cool about it. That's what this podcast has been missing, more of a male energy. Imagine just like that at the start of the news if the music just had soundbites over it,

of all just the classic riffs they've had over the years. 15 days in Jakarta. Who? Why? Building 2 has just gone down. You know, it's all that kind of stuff. All right. Yeah, what do you think? I mean, it's been a long time.

I'm pretty attached to what we've got. Yeah, yeah. I look happy to give it a run next week and see what happens. Yeah, okay. We give it a try. We give it a try a week. We drop it in. I would love it if we did it next week and then we just get a complaint from L.O. Black going,

Hey, what happened? Yeah. I thought we were onto a good thing. He then we just get a complaint from L.O. Black going, mate, what happened? I thought we were onto a good thing. He finally sues us for not using it well. Yeah, that's the bridge too far for it. I'd love to know if everyone in the band was on board the process of recording this. Oh, great. What are we recording this?

What the fuck is this podcast? Yeah, there's probably one listener in the band that has just forced the rest of them to go, instead of doing band practice this week, we're going to do this thing for a podcast. Yeah. Fuck, man. I thought we were going nowhere before.

Now I definitely know we're going nowhere. But they're definitely going to use it, right? They're definitely going to use it. Well, I don't know. I'm setting it in on spec. They said they love the band. Oh, well, that's an honour. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It definitely has the vibe of like a demo that someone brought in that the others were like, this is shit's an honour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It definitely has the vibe of like a demo that someone brought in that the others were like, this is shit. We're not putting this on the album. And then he's just like gone home, taken some clips out of the pod and been like, yeah, we wrote this theme song for you. No, or even worse, it's like they brought it in for an idea and someone goes, what the fuck?

This sounds like a theme song to a podcast. We're not using this shit. Oh, okay then. Well, hey, maybe we have other listeners that are in bands that have, you know, that have heard that. Oh, right. Heard the sweet plug for Reverend Ivan. Okay.

And then now they're like, hey, well, you know, if we send our own theme in. Okay. We could get a little mention as well. Happy to entertain more pitches. Like, happy to use that next week? Yep. Happy to hold that one up as the millstone? If we could get another three or four of these,

then we could put on our own Battle of the Band. Yes. But literally all it is is just the prize is to become our theme song. Yes. I love that. No money. The prize is you get to have your song be the theme song on our show for free. Yeah.

You get to replace Hello Black. Yeah. Yeah. You get to replace something that we're using illegally. free. Yeah. You get to replace L.O. Black. Yeah. Yeah. You get to replace something that we're using illegally. Yes. Yeah. Did Battle of the Bands still happen? I used to go to them all the time

when I was in high school so all my friends were in bands and so you just expected to go along and just see a bunch of bands play one after the other in a battle. Yeah. And then the winner was

whoever brought the most friends. Yeah. Is that still going on? I don't know. Outside of high, I imagine probably still at high schools they're happening. I mean, do comedy competitions even happen anymore? I don't know. Outside of high, I imagine probably still at high schools they're happening. I mean, do comedy competitions even happen anymore?

I don't know. That used to be a big thing. And now, like, I remember entering, like, four in one year. And now they don't happen anymore. You're right. The era we started, like, every pub had a, like, that was the comedy. It was more, like, rare to have just a regular comedy gig. Battle of the hacks.

Like, oh, it's a 10-week competition. There's one in Sydney, and they also have acts that are in the comp and then acts who aren't in the comp. And so I went and I was doing a long spot up first. I was not in the comp. And then they had a drop-in from Rathi, who was also then not in the comp. And then it was eight acts who were in the comp, and then it was headlined by Luke Heggy, again, not in the comp. Okay, right. So there's were in the comp and then it was headlined by luke heggie again not in the comp okay right so there's sort of like a very it was very voters

that the audience at the end of going i vote for the autistic guy it's like which one no no neither of them are in the comp okay all right we had to really state before each thing when not in the comp not in the comp and then the mc is also being like not in the comp not this one is in the comp this one's not thank is also being like, not in the comp. This one is in the comp. This one's not in the comp. Thank you for that round of applause, but put the pens down. We'll remind you again, I'm not eligible. I'm not in the comp. You can't vote for me.

Also, yeah, there was not a list with any names on it. It was just write down a name and yourself on a piece of paper and then put it into this bucket. So nobody's remembering anything. But apparently somebody was going to win $500. At the end of eight weeks of comps and then finals and stuff. So nobody's remembering any of the kids. But apparently somebody was going to win $500. Yeah. At the end of eight weeks of comps and then finals and stuff. Yeah, I know.

It's a big brawl. I've always thought I should do one at Spleen or something like that. But I'm like, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like, it's the work of someone too desperate. It's like, oh, fuck. My show's not going well. I should do that because then I can force new open markets to bring all their friends in. Everyone brings along friends to vote for them, yeah.

What about the gig where you get to the end and then you go, and by the way, everyone, this has been a competition the whole time, so now vote for which one you liked most. Surprise comedy competition. I mean, someone's gotten up there with you, they're like, you do that backstage and after the gig anyway. You may as well take that backstage. Cheering.

You just go out with a list and just rank the lighter. You may as well take it out on stage. Cheering. You just go out with a list and just rank the lineup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love that. That's generally held on Facebook Messenger after the gig, to be honest. At least give someone the chance to win, like, two drink tickets out of it or something. I mean, there is a gong show that happens in Melbourne, right,

in the particular underground gig? Oh, is there? I don't even know. You know, yeah, at Dirty... A gong show. Dirty Secrets, yeah, yeah. They post it on Instagram all the time. Really?

People are getting gonged. Damn, I didn't know this. They've got an actual gong in there? There's an actual gong? I know there's one in Perth, because I've always thought, fuck, I mean, this could be the first time someone wears out a gong.

That is right. There's like 38 acts on. Yeah. It's such a long night. Yeah. I love that because that one in Perth, it's like they always put up footage of like professional comedians have come down to do the gig and then have to stay there on stage

praying for the audience to give them a clapometer for $100. I'm like, oh, my God, boys. I mean, thanks for showing us who needs rent this week. It's a little bit embarrassing. Well, Brett was saying he did it and he was just in town early and was like, I'll just do it to try some new, but I'm going to remove... I'm sure they all say that. He's like, I'm going to remove myself from the voting

and then a friend of the show, Dave Callan... After how well he went. Dave Callan's there and he's just like up on the stage, just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, boys, clap like up on the stage just like yeah yeah yeah come on boys clap it up and it's like you're on TV

give me the gong I want the gong I want fair and square trousers daddy needs a new pair of trousers I was messaging him on Facebook recently

and he said he was wondering if he could save my place for a while and he's like it's not going to work out and he goes

oh that's a he just wrote that's a real Shane I mean shame it's a real Shane gone you're out of here Callan

it's a crying Shane alright well submit your submit your tracks and we'll get the battle of the bands like I said speaking of that band

the yeah clearly one person into it the other people not into it hopefully that's that's how word spreads

of this podcast someone has to just force someone the other people to listen to it so hopefully we've got the other band members all of a sudden

we've got a drummer that listens now or whatever but so this ties into this a couple of weeks ago I came back from Thailand a couple of weeks ago.

Of course, I was, I don't know if you heard about it, Danielle, but I was invited back to be the guest on Dum Dum Con 23 in Koh Samui. Coachella. Dum Dum Con 23. I was the guest there, the guest speaker at the only... Who were the other guests? ...Southeast Asian Little Dum Dum Club pod-themed fan conference. I think I've got all the words out there.

Look, numbers were a little bit down this year from last year. We had double figures last year. I think we're just under double figures this year. But I think there's still plenty of life in it. Well, the recession's hit. Cost of living's gone up. Yeah, I mean, officially I gave three days' notice, I believe, on the podcast. So that could have something to do with it.

But last year there was officially two listeners of this show lived on the island of Koh Samui. One of them turned up last year. None of them turned up this year, so it's gone down. So that could have tipped us over into double figures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But again, I think I talk about this every year, but there's one guy that lives there. Every year.

There's one guy that lives there who... Oh, is it July already? Yeah. There's one guy that lives there, that lives on Koh Samui, and he has not been to all three podcast festivals. Yep. And then the two Dum Dum Cons.

Five things he hasn't turned up to, and he works, I think, maybe 300 metres away. And he hasn't turned up to any of them. What does he do? There is not much going on on that island. Like, organisation style. And he does listen? He listens every week?

He always comments, like, on the socials. Like, any time I put up anything about Costa Mui on the page, he's always like, oh, yeah, yeah, boys, no, weather's good down here, and yeah, no, you'd like it if you come over here. Maybe he's just a fan of the socials and not so much the actual podcast. That is a weird idea. Maybe if you were like... To be a fan of our socials but never listen to the podcast.

Hey, guys, come down to this venue. I'm going to be there updating Twitter live. He'll be there in a flash. Yeah. So anyway, we had... Look, I'll be honest, last year, I reckon I organized about five, six, seven minutes worth of content for the Dum Dum Con 22.

Constance for conference? Sorry? Convention. Oh, convention. Yes. Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah. I wasn't sure if you were like taking ideas from fans for the podcast.

Sorry, to explain it properly, Danielle, it's been converted. You know, we don't do the podcast festival anymore, so then I'm there. And the fans still want to come, and they need a guest speaker every year, and I just happen to be in town every year. And do you claim this on tax? Look, there's a lot of things happening in the world. I think him filling out his BAS form is part of the five, six, seven minutes of content that he plans.

Guys, I need a witness. anyone want to sign this bit yeah last year i organized about five to seven minutes worth of content and i have to say it really pissed me off having to work on my holidays so it got whittled down really really small this year my dog's eating your bag by the way you might want to keep an eye on that yeah jesus that's how to find out there's a pen in there hey Hey, just exactly. He's got the taste for it now. Yeah, yeah. And so this year, I think the entire... I got a massage just before we did the conference, and so the entire content I had before the show was... I think I literally got up and said,

welcome to DunlopCon 23. I am your guest speaker. We're supposed to have two guest speakers here in Samui. Unfortunately, there was a mistake made. We had Brett Blake booked but I let him write his own destination into the forms

and he's currently now in Samoa. Okay. Yep. How'd that go? What do you think, guys? Yeah, yeah. We're good.

Yeah, yeah, okay. So you're writing this, you've got your head in the little hole in the massage thing and then the notepad underneath and you're just My arms through the hole

in the head hole just writing. So I through the hole in the end hole just writing. So I think that's it. That was my oblige. That was the whole entertainment budget. That was your keynote. Yeah, that was it. That was it.

And anyway, enjoy the festival, guys. I don't mind it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, point being, it was very nice. Sorry, writing that bothered you? Yes. No, no. that was annoying trying to write other stuff as good as that oh okay you peaked early yeah you set such high standards for yourself i know i know thank you

for noticing so um so anyway it was lovely to meet um some of the people i haven't met before and stuff there and and someone was very nice there was a lady called Tracy who's a long time Lister and she she was there

sort of partly to have an anniversary of recovering from cancer oh yeah and she was talking about we ended up having a bunch of drinks and she got to a point

where she was very very nice about it and said thank you to you and Tommy and everyone that's been on the show and whatever because when she was suffering from cancer she was going through chemo and she got to a point where she was very, very nice about it and said thank you to you and Tommy and everyone that's been on the show and whatever because when she was suffering from cancer, she was going through chemo and she used to, you know,

obviously have a shit of a time and she would listen to the show and she would feel a lot better. And she said so much so that she would listen to it late at night in bed and then at the time her daughter then moved back in with her because she got broken up with. So then she's heartbroken they're both having a shit old time of it so then tracy the mum's going how about you how about this and then they would lie in bed and like share a headphone each and so then her

daughter sophie got into the podcast through that so they're both sitting there in pain listening to me and you and then sophie was like thanks mum for letting me listen to this i guess but i've just got one question why do they keep talking about cum i also love this dynamic too moving back home after a breakup with your mum who's got cancer and being like i'm just really sad i might never meet anyone again i mean yeah, my bones hurt. Everything tastes different and my skull's vibrating. I do like that she doesn't know if she's going to live or die and she's decided to spend what time she has left listening to you two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what? It could be worse. Yes. It's like we always say, now that's depressing. Could I spend time with my daughter? No, no, pop the earbud in. I've got so many questions. A headphone splitter is easy enough to find.

Or why isn't this some kind of speaker situation? Why are we sharing headphones? Also, you telling a woman maybe dying of cancer, there's headphone splitters out there. Why? Why don't you Go down to JB and get one. What are you lying around in bed for? Life's too short to be

listening to podcasts in mono. We are in surround sound. One of the best Dolby podcasts out there. On your deathbed either that podcast goes or I do. I think there's a clue in there somewhere. I think that does smack a little bit of a lady suffering from cancer and someone coming home going, boo-hoo, my boyfriend left.

Yeah. Fucking just listen to this, will you? I don't want to listen to this anymore. Get these two on Gogglebox, honestly. Oh, yes. We need more terminally ill people. Podcast Gogglebox. Yeah, we need more terminally ill people. Podcast Gogglebox. Yeah. We need more terminally ill people watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and going,

never heard of him. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's a nice story. And she's all better now? All better. Yeah, great.

Yeah. And what about Sophie? She bounced back? That's a good question. Well, she wasn't there with a boyfriend, so I don't know. I don't know. But, hey. Tropical holiday.

Yeah. Could have met someone abroad. Yeah. I mean, probably could have if she didn't come to Dum Dum Con 23. Yeah, true. And had no chance of meeting anyone for five days. Mistaken to think you'd meet some eligible bachelors at that event. Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I would have said, especially for a small crowd like that, but then I would have said, even at our peak of the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival, 300 people, still probably don't reckon there was one eligible bachelor

in that a lot as well. Somehow my dog has found a toothbrush. Oh my God, that's my toothbrush. That's your toothbrush? No, well... This freebie Qantas toothbrush? Yes. How long do you think this episode's going to go for?

I'm back on... Was the dog just chewing? Can I use that again or not? I don't know. I think he just had the end of it. Oh, God. Because... No, I've just got that in my bag because bloody...

I'm back on the plastic braces and I have to bring that around to brush my teeth every time I eat something or, you know, whatever. Anyway, boring. Who cares? Whatever. Get back onto cancer. Something funny. Well, Danielle, when I was messaging you about doing this,

you sent me something that I greatly appreciated, that you said that just that day you had made a new note of something that you'd never talked about on the show that had popped into your head. Yeah. Also, just a heads up, Daniel on the way here sent me a screenshot saying my phone's about to die so I've got

a set list I'll just send you. It's not a set list. It's just a list of words just in case. But I feel like they're never... Sometimes I just write things down and go that's funny without thinking of the story through. It could just be one detail of the story and I'm like this're never – sometimes I just write things down and go, that's funny, without thinking of the story through. Right.

Like it could just be one detail of the story and I'm like, this is eight minutes to get to that one detail. I will be the judge of that. That's fine. Well, the one that I remember talking to you about was that I had like a best friend through primary school and then I didn't have her in high school and so I had to make a new friend. Hang on a minute.

While you tell this, I've got the set list. I've got all the names of these stories. As soon as I figure out which one it is, I'm going to yell out. I'm going to play this as Danielle. Oh, is that on there? Danielle's story bingo. Is this a fresh one?

Is this on this one? No, this is, I've put that down there. Okay. But there's two bits, so there's two points to do different things. And the girl that I made friends with one afternoon on the way home, she said to me, like she had this really dark secret she needed to tell me, and she made me promise that I would never tell anybody the secret.

And then like really seriously, she looked at me and she said, my cat has AIDS. Hey, well, my dog's gay, so. You know, it's not a death sentence anymore. Exactly. You got cat AIDS on there? What do you got? Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, that's a big secret. That was a big secret, yeah. Well, I didn't want to write cat AIDS down because sometimes you ask me the name of the time and that would give away the story. You don't want to tip the story. I was fine like that. You don't do your set list for stand-up

and you don't have the punchline as the name of the joke. Yeah, you're right. I had to cut all the other stuff around to send that through before my phone died. I probably wasted my phone battery sending that through to you. Yes. Because do you remember where I grew up, stuff around to send that through before my phone died. I probably wasted my phone battery sending that through to you. Do you remember where I grew up? They had that big sticker

with the phantom, with the sable, the AIDS one. The Grim Reaper bowling ad. I had a sticker from that on my toy box as a child. But I think... Wait, they made merch for that ad? They certainly did.

I think they gave it out at the health care centre. Oh, wow. Hang on, did you get this at the local show in the AIDS show bag? I might have. Just that and a Polly waffle. Wow, Bertie Bean's not looking too good this year.

It's all pale. That's good because the show bags, if you ever go to those local shows, there was always like theme stuff and then inexplicably you go, it's a choppa choppa. It's like,

what the fuck has a choppa choppa got to do with the Dukes of Hazzard? What is this in here? What would it be? It'd be the Grim Reaper sticker, Philadelphia on VHS. Yes. The play script of Angels in America.

A Magic Johnson basketball. Condoms. And a pack of M&M's. A little plush monkey. This is actually good. That's a good pack of stuff. You don't even really need to be into the overall theme. It's a good film.

Bit of reading. What did you say when your friend told you that was the secret? Okay. I didn't know that because I wasn't really paying attention to TV or stuff. It was a cat. Cat age is a big thing. Apparently, if you get a cat with cat age, you can't let it out of the house. Have you ever seen a cat condom?

No. No. Well, they've got barbs on their penis that ever seen a cat condom? No. No. That's why. Well, they've got barbs on their penis that go straight through the condom. Oh, do they? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's not good.

They latch on. Oh, yeah. I also didn't know that. Yeah. I didn't. I always go bareback. That's probably why it spreads so easily amongst cats. Yeah. Yeah.

And I just didn't, because I'd not watched, I didn't know that much about AIDS as a child as much as she did. I didn't really, I just thought it was a cool phantom on my toy box. You thought it was cool. Yeah. I didn't know. So I didn't, I didn't, I don't think AIDS was in my zeitgeist. Name three of AIDS's albums.

You don't generally make a sticker out of something not cool. Like, yeah, yeah. Stickers is the genre of something fun. It looked metal. It was like, yeah.

Yeah. You know, it was the green reaper. Fuck your AIDS. If all the other kids had AIDS, would you do it too? Maybe. I don't know.

I didn't know. It was, I was just like, all right, whatever. And then, um, I was also into that period of my life where I was really into Harry Potter

and I'd make her quiz me on Harry Potter facts, which is lame. So I was a loser anyway. But then I went over her house one weekend and we hung out. It was like our first sleepover. And so our parents hadn't bonded yet, you know, and like my childhood best friend,

our parents had bonded really well. Oh, wait, I just discovered we're going into the next one on the set list, loser mum. Yeah. I just realised this. Yeah. Because at the end of the sleepover, my mum came to pick me up and then my mum came inside and her mum said,

oh, just sit down for a moment. I just want to show you something. And then her mum, who was like maybe mid-50s and not like toned or trim or whatever, you know, like a mum. And she came out and she was in full belly dancing attire. Like with the jangly skirt and the jangly top. And then belly danced for me and my mum. She like did it for us. And then me and my mum had to drive home and i just felt like the whole drive home i kept on trying to tell my mum like that my friend she was definitely cool yeah and like trying to appease her and be

like no like her mum's like yeah i know but swear she's cool. Like, don't worry about me. I'm going to be fine. Skip the generation. Don't worry. Because I think mum was like, mum drove home in complete silence. And I think she was worried that I was getting myself into a bad group of friends. That I was going to be a big loser. And like worse than normal.

I'm not worried about you fucking that cat with eyes. But I am worried about that girl that cat with eyes but i'm worried about that girl's mom yeah she was worried what do you think you'll do carl if your daughter you know brings home her first group of friends and you know you observe them for a bit and you're like oh my god these kids are fucking nerds uh yeah it's she she had a play date the other day where she had a friend over and i came out and i was like this is easy and i literally haven't done it before my wife went out and she had a friend there and i was like oh they take care of themselves and i just sat sat in the room and just did work and then i came out i just heard

too many things hit the wall and then went out and i bought her a little tent for christmas and she's just in the tent and the whole thing's like fucking covered in eggs i'm like what what's going on here and for some reason it got into the fridge and then just got got a bunch of eggs and then thrown them or deliberately smashed them in the tent and there's eggs all over the fucking tent and i come up and i'm like what the fuck is going on and my daughter's like just absolutely points to the other girl because she did it all she did all this and the other and you could tell the other girl's like what the fuck why am i getting pinned this far my daughter's a dobber and from the rest of the day on it was

like anytime something had happened be like what happened there and she like that one she did it she did it okay all right yeah it's different okay but she actually did it. Okay. Fucking hell. All right. This is interesting. It's different. Okay, but she actually did it and she was... I'm pretty sure she did it. It just happened too many... I don't know why there's a difference between dobbing when you haven't done it and lying and saying that someone else had done it. Yeah, yes. No, you're right.

One of them's crafty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not just annoying. Yes. Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure she did it all. She did it all because the other one was just... The other kid's a nice girl. Not that mine's not, but you know,

I reckon it's pretty cocky. Like imagine you being a kid, four years old, and being in a strange house you've never been in before and going, you know what, let's get in the fridge and get some eggs. Yeah. Let's go and grab some eggs and have a fucking piff. I had friends like that in school though

that were just like, yeah, I would always make friends with like these bad seed kids who would just come around and be like i found this thing on the internet about how to make a bomb all you need is like orange juice you know like the kids that were like really into like the anarchist cookbook and they'd be like yeah let's go looking in your pantry for you know you just have all this stuff lying around the house apparently and i'd be like oh gee willikers i don't know yeah just terrified out of my mind. I used to be terrified of those kids, like the ones who would come to school with matches

and light the Rexona on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, what the? I don't know why we're doing fires around. Yeah. It's bushfire season, guys. Yeah. I once had, there was a kid that my mum and dad were like,

can you, you know, I didn't ban the kid from coming around, but we were like, can you just not maybe bring that kid around as much or whatever? And me being, whatever, I was eight or something like that, I'm like, okay, I sort of get it because this kid was verging on the sort of kid that I was following around in the house making sure he didn't steal anything out of the house. Right.

Just was hanging onto toys way too long. I'm like, is that toy going to stay in here or not? And also the kid, I think the main thing was the kid turned up he'd walk from his house which was maybe five kilometers away didn't wear shoes the whole time and then just walks him with like shit all over his feet into the house okay even i get this one yeah yeah but then years later um and he was like riding like this fucking huge bike where i'm like is that your bike and and he's like oh it is now like what do you mean like oh dad got it for me and it was like this is three times bigger than you yeah like your dad deliberately bought this bike for you yeah yeah he went and got it from

someone like okay and then like you know obviously my parents were like, this bike's fucking stolen. This bike is not for this kid. And so then years later, where does this guy's dad pop up? Oh, in Chopper Reed's book. Oh, yes. As an associate. Yeah, nice. Yeah, which I'm like, hey, look, we got a good version of that. All we saw was a stolen bike. Yeah, we got off live.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to go back, I can't wait for your daughter's friend to be in like Danielle's position telling a story like, oh my God, I was around at my friend Blanket's house and then her dad came out and just like started doing stand-up to me and my mum, just trying new jokes to us for his little stand-up act. Can you imagine that? Sitting your kid's friends down and being like,

so anyone in from out of town? They made us duck sandwiches. Any birthdays in? Yeah. So what else have we got on the, so we got, so. I'll say quickly, just to round that up. I talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but coming back from Thailand, I shit the bed in Thailand

and then I said to Blanket, I just thought I'd make her laugh and just say, hey, guess what? Daddy did a poo in the bed. And then immediately she's like, mum, mum, dad did a poo in the bed. And I'm like, oh my God. Because this is like. She is a dobber. She's a dobber.

You've got a full scale dobber on your hands. Yeah. So then I get a text. Is the hot car at the resort as well this time? The what? Like, do you remember one of the other times you were saying there was a better looking version of you by the pool? I like the idea of, Mom, Dad's just shit in the bed and no staring out the window longingly at him. He's the cleanest arsehole you've ever seen.

He'd never shit in the bed. Very clearly doing a poo in the toilet. He'd never shit in the bed Very clearly doing a poo in the toilet I got a text two nights ago from my wife saying Guess what Blanket must have told my mum and my sister About you shitting the bed in Thailand Because they both know all about it now I come home and I just said to my daughter

Did you tell everyone about me pooing the bed? Yes Of course I can't believe you told her If I was a child I would never let my dad forget that. Yeah. I was very naive. I was just like, this will give her a laugh for a second and she'll move on.

And it's like, nah, this is the, this is, she doesn't know the alphabet yet, but she fucking knows this. Yeah. We used to tease my dad about, I think he said something, he must've ticked something on a form about poos and he kept getting this this form in the mail from JCU, the university, like that stool chart for him to fill out. And every time he would go to the toilet, we'd chase him and be like, Dad, tell us what type of shit you did.

Dad, Dad, tell us what type of shit you did. And he hated it. Yeah, that's good. That's really good. Leave me alone. I'm trying to get this dog to fuck this dog. I'm busy. So, yeah.

So, she's told. So, now the in-laws, they're across it. Yes. So, presumably, everyone at daycare knows about it too. Yeah. You'd have to assume. Because I followed up and I was like, oh, my God. How do you know that?

And my wife was just like, oh, they were saying about it. Her sister told her about it. But her mum has known about it for a week or two and then went, oh, how come it didn't come up with the mum? And then her mum was just like, I was just really embarrassed for you and I didn't want to bring it up because I thought you'd be devastated by this. I thought you might leave him. But I want to know, what is the run-up?

What's the segue with my four-year-old child to go up to Nana and go, hey, did you know Dad shit the bed? Yeah, I think it's literally just that. You know when you're a kid, you know very few things. And if something takes your fancy. I remember having watched a cartoon on VHS and then going to my Nan's place and just like relaying the entire plot to her just like no just like hey this this came across my desk recently

i got nothing else to talk about so i'll just describe this entire this is hannah barbara cartoon to you that's the greatest gossip of all time for a child yeah yeah yeah i remember my sister running in she walked into the bathroom when my dad was doing a pee one day and then she ran into my bedroom. She was so little and she was like, Danielle, Danielle, I've got to tell you something. Dad has a really big fanny. That is, I mean, that was your only frame of reference.

That is a massive fanny. It's so big. That's so huge. Can that band that did the theme song, can they just rejig it to have that in there? Drop that in. That has a really big fanny. Can we have that in there?

That's great. I mean, I don't have a very big penis, but I have a massive vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all relative. My clitoris is massive. I am packing heat. And what was your response?

Were you old enough where you were like, oh, sweetie. I just started laughing and then went and told mum. Yeah. I didn't want to tell her what a penis was. I didn't know how to do that. I was eight. Family meeting where we have to discuss the concept of boy yeah i don't blame your dad for yeah wanting wanting more male influence

they don't even know yeah but something other than yeah we were the dominant force weren't we yeah yeah because that's the thing i i now do a lot of weeing while sitting down yeah because i don't want to get walked in on and having to explain anything or whatever to my daughter because she at the moment thinks that everyone has a fanny. So now if I ever get up and I'm wearing undies or whatever and I get out of bed or whatever. On one of those rare occasions where you're not completely naked walking around the house. Yes, and I'm being yelled at by my wife going, why are you walking around naked with our

four-year-old around? So I'm having to cover up. It's easy to shit the bed. Dad's got the second smallest fanny I've ever seen. There it is. It's still good. I sometimes then have to go, like if I'm wearing undies, then she'll go, what's that?

What do you got in there? And then I just have to go, oh, it's where I keep my money. It's where I keep my money. She's going to go looking for tuck shop money one day. I know. I know. It's like a bad one because it's like the other day, like I said that like months ago and you forget that they remember like everything, like anything like that.

They just go, right, that's locked away. And the other day I went to pick her up and I get out of bed and she goes, she looks at me and looks down and goes, how many coins you got in there today, Dad? All right, Carl. You don't need to have a good brag. You get it, mate. Baywatch was on.

Yeah. It's a great lesson to impart on a young woman. If you want money, reach into a man's trail. Oh, money will start to flow. If she grows up to be a stripper, I'll know the point that got into her head.

Daddy didn't love you enough? I wouldn't say that. He just loved me in a weird way. On a cold day, she's like, Daddy's poor! Daddy went swimming and his money all fell out. It's the middle of winter. I was in the pool!

I was in the pool! I just didn't feel like having money today, okay? You'd hate the hot Carl. Hot dad must be so rich. Did hot dad just fucking rob a bank? What the fuck is going on there? What else we got on the set list? Can I choose? Yeah.

What should I, can I choose? Yeah, I like hearing the words of the interview. My phone's on. I did see that loser mum and I got excited. I have to be honest because I thought it said laser mum. I'm like, fuck, I want to hear laser mum. Oh, yeah. Laser mum.

Belly dancing. Did you ever go around to that kid's house again? No. Really? No, I pretty much like, I moved on to, I a, I found a different friend than to make new friends. Because my, you know, at primary school, you've got, like, a best friend and that's it. Like, there's nobody else.

And my best friend from primary school was, like, a psycho. And so, like, we would, like, at her house, like, you wouldn't have heard against the wall, like, those eggs. Like, we used to have a half-deflated exercise ball and one of us would sit on it and the other one would run and jump and then we'd fling up like so high into the air and then we'd go outside and we'd throw rocks at the wasps nests and then we'd go to the chicken

pen and she had a jack russell and we'd say get the rat get the rat get the rat and like whir it up until it like would find a rat somewhere and kill it and bring it back. And that was like our three main activities. Just on a loop. Yeah. I was going to say because, you know, you've got all these stories. You've got a great way of just remembering all these things and writing them down and going, here's all the weirdos.

But how many people have one million stories about you and what are they calling them? Oh, yeah. Well, like I never know because in my mind I'm the normal one. Of course. Until somebody else brings it out. Yeah. Like that friend, I went to her house.

I don't know if I've told this on the podcast before. At the time, we were at her birthday and she had helium balloons. And when we sucked the helium balloons, you know, you get the helium voice. And everybody thought that was funny. And then I just kept doing the helium voice without the balloon to her parents and they kept laughing. And so from that point onwards, I just kept talking to her parents always with the helium voice.

Like way too late. So you were just going around and you're like, great to be here again. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Church. Wow, that's really good good you really have been practicing i owned it big time so did they know you were putting it on or did they think you were permanently affected by helium i think do they think do they think you you od'd on helium i think that's and the wind changed and you talk like that i think they were laughing at the fact that this child just did the helium voice all the time just to them and as soon as they leave the room, I'd be like,

do you want to put Ace Ventura back on? And that's that great thing where you're like, in your head, you probably think, I'm fooling these guys so good and they're like, this little idiot thinks she's pulling the wool over us. Yeah, they're doing some weird podcast and they're pulling out this story. Number one is Freak Helium Kid. Yeah. That's their number one story.

Big time. But her family were cool. Like her dad used to prank call our house all the time. And he called up... I love, by the way, I've got this set list and then you've got all these other things that don't even have their own fucking title.

Well, because I forget about them and then something spurs my memory. Jesus what was the prank the prank he called up my house and this was the work like the best and worst one he and he pretended that he could he put on a problematic accent um and he pretended that he could see my mom through the kitchen window and then like said every like movement that she was doing. He was like, oh, yeah, I see you. You're cooking dinner. And then they just, like, figured out. I mean, she was going to be doing three things anyway.

And it freaked my mum out so much. And she was like, who's calling? Who's calling? I'm sorry to ask. Can you just tell us the nationality that was the problematic? Oh, I would say it was traditional Australian. Okay. It was problematic.

It was really problematic. And it freaked my mum out so bad. And, yeah, that was a good one. And then he called back ten minutes later after my mum had a full panic attack and was like, ah, it's just me. I was just joking. I was just joshing you. It's not me, Punjab, after all. This isn't even like one of her friends.

This is like a parent of a child's friend. Yeah. That's great. That's so tenuous. Is this pre-mobile phone as well? So he's like stretched the landline up to the... Oh, it was like, you know those landlines that you could like, they were cordless.

Yes. But they had like a... A limit. Yeah, a radius. Yeah, it was on one of those. But I caught up with him maybe six or seven years ago for brunch in Melbourne. And he gave me a taxidermied kangaroo paw giving the finger as a gift. Did you do the voice during the whole brunch as well?

I didn't want to take his bit. Oh, yeah, I did that voice. I thought you meant the problematic one. No, no, no. You're in the helium voice You're still in it It's not problematic Because you're not from helium

Yeah Now I wonder what One of them would sound like If they had some helium Oh man That's great Thank you very much I love the idea of that

Just like yeah Kids Kids friends And then you're just like Great Some new people I can prank New victims I guess yeah Thank you very much. I love the idea of that. Just like, yeah, kids, kids, friends. And then you're just like, great. Some new people I can prank. New victims. I guess if you have kids, then yes, you will inevitably run into your kids, friends, parents.

And they could be cunts, I suppose. They could be Carl Jammer, for example. It's also, yeah, the prank of not just like, oh, is your fridge running? Just like, I'm watching you. And it went on for so long too yeah that's a long prank to do while somebody's freaking out yeah i couldn't do that genuinely distressed yeah yeah well that's also presumably not fun for you to be on the phone making the prank and just hearing this person be terrified out of their mind i I mean, if he did it for 10 minutes. God, I'm having a good time. I'm loving this.

I think he was having the best time ever. All right. So that's another accidental side one we've heard. That's a side trip. What do we got? Can I request, just because of the way this is phrased, the other time I ate dog food. Yes. Because this is not the original time you ate dog food.

At the live, one of the live shows during festival I told the first time, which was when I went, I ate dog food to try and get out of community, not communism. Communion. Communion, that's it. My whole Eucharist and communion because I wanted to watch McLeod's Daughter, so I ate the dog food.

That's right. That was the one that I did the other. And then the other time was. This is the sequel. The dog food to make you sick to get out of. That's why I ate it the first time. Gotcha. The second time I didn't know I was eating dog food.

Some of us don't even have one story about eating dog food. You're so lucky. This is like a series of children's books. The day my bum went psycho. The day I ate dog food. The other day I ate dog food. Here we go again. And then just being like, this Danielle chick's phoning it in.

This is like the ninth one of them. This is good because if you did a book called The Time I Ate Dog Food, you're like, fuck, I want to do another book. How's anyone going to believe I eat dog food again? How are we going to reverse into movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's find out. This one could be a prequel.

Well, this one, I'd gone to the show. Got your AIDS show bag. I got the AIDS show bag and a Polly Waffle. And I'd gotten a bag of fan tales in the show bag oh yeah and i was like the type of kid like once i went to dream world and i got um some fairy floss and i didn't want to eat it all like i didn't want to eat it because like who knows my mom was always on a diet and who knows if i would ever have anything in the house that was tasty ever again so i'd put it away in the cupboard for like a rainy day.

Oh, okay. Where would you hide it? Just in my cupboard. I just put it. It wasn't like, because it was like mine. The fairy floss I got from Green World was like, I got it at the end of the day and I put it in the cupboard and then I came back and it was just an empty bag with air in it

because that one had just been sealed up because fairy floss doesn't just stay in the floss form. That was like the worst day of my life it's got a really keen expiration date or it turns into nothing it just turns into back into air and then there's a few grains of sugar in the bottom that was and i kept that for a rainy day when i was like i need a bit of sugar today and i went to the cupboard and it was gone but no i went to the show and i got the fan towels and i put them away for rainy day and i came in to get them and they looked a bit weird you know in the wrapping like smaller than normal and i undid them and they looked like a bit powdery on the outside who's the name on it

who am i i was born in 1957 olivia newton john did you get in the age show bag because it might have been you know i was born in 1947 Olivia Newton-John Spot Oh you Did you get in the age show bag Because it might have been You know I was born in 1947 Played for the LA Lakers Oh I wonder if

I mean Fantel's They'd said recently They're going to stop making them But that would have been a good That would have been a good Marketing ploy To have different variations They should bring that back

I was in a lot of movies With Doris Day My name is Rock Hudson. Great. Easy. Let's eat the chocolate. Yeah. R.I.P. Is he dead?

Yes. Okay, yep. Fantades. Yes. Yes. But I'd had a lot of army ration packs so I thought that those, you know, the chocolate looking weird wasn't like a thing for me. Like it wasn't a bad thing right so you just saw chocolate when it's it looks whatever but i i'm not that fussy yeah once i put it in my mouth it will become chocolate again yeah and if you're

enough of a showbag aficionado often the chocolate they're putting in there is like you know it's out of it's out of the fucking back of the factory yeah you know what i mean you would you would open it up and had all that white shit all over it and it's like, boy, this Caramello is on the way out. I'd better get into this pretty quickly. It's exposed to too much heat, isn't it, when it goes white? I think so, yeah. But when you're a kid who's like,

your mum won't have anything in the house, so usually your treat is trying to eat the chocolate worm tablets when she's not looking. Yeah, yeah. And you've seen fairy floss disappear before your very eyes. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Let's eat this while it's here.

I'm eating it. I need it. And I put it in my mouth and I chewed it and it was not a fantail. It was dog food. You got dog food wrapped up in the fantails wrapper? Yeah, because my Uncle Peter, he undid every single fantail and wrapped every single one back up as dog food.

What? And put them in the container. What? To prank me. Hang on. He did this after you bought it and you got it home. He didn't do it at the stall at the show or anything. No, no, no.

I put them in a... I undid them. I put them in a plastic container and I put them in the cupboard. Right. And then he came, and this was at put them in the cupboard and then he came and this was at my nana's house and then he came and he went into the cupboard

and he said, those are the Daniel Spentells and then he undid every single one, put a piece of dog food in and wrapped every single one back up and put them back in the cupboard.

I mean, that is commitment. That's great, but why did he do it? Just because he's a psycho. He did it. One Easter, my nana and granddad used to put all the Easter eggs out like the Easter bunny had come along the hallway.

Yeah. And then he picked every single one up and hid them. And I woke up Easter morning and there was no Easter eggs and I ran into nana and granddad's room and I was like, the Easter bunny hasn't come. And they were like, yes, he has. Yes, he has. And I was like, no, he hasn't.

And then they came out and there were no Easter eggs everywhere. And then Nana went into Uncle Peter's room. She was like, Peter, what the fuck have you done? And then for months we were finding Easter eggs like in the bottom of vases and stuff everywhere around the house. He'd made it like a forage system for the Easter eggs. But that was the other time I ate dog food. Did he replace every fantail with dog food? Every single fantail.

I mean, I guess, again, that's commitment, but it would be sort of a nicer prank, or at least if it was just one in there. One of them. Exactly, yes. Oh, yummy, yummy fantail, yummy, yummy fantail, and then you eat that one, and you're like, oh, that doesn't seem quite right.

Oh, yeah, that's a good question. How many of them did you eat? Wow. All 20 of them. All dog food. I just ate the one and then I cracked the shits and then Nana again went into Uncle Peter's room and was like, Peter, what the fuck have you done?

How old's Uncle Peter at this point? So Uncle Peter is... So my mum had me young. She had me at 21. Uncle Peter is like about five or six years younger than my mum. So when I was a kid, he was young. And then also... Because Uncle Peter sounds like, oh, someone in authority,

but you're probably dealing with a fucking 17-year-old. Yeah, he was like 18 or 19 or something. Yeah, right. And then the second time he was probably... I mean, when he did the fan tales, he was probably in his mid to late 30s, but he'd moved back in with Nana and Grandad for fun, I guess. I just want to save up money and focus on my pranks.

When I'm in my late 30s, I move back in with Mum and Dad for fun. I need more money for dog food. Honestly, though, he did. Because there was a point where there was like 33 dogs on Nana and Grandad's property because Uncle Peter's dogs kept breeding. Yeah, right, right. But he did put the fantails in it. Because he kept mixing up their contraceptive with chocolate?

Yeah. Well, they didn't have enough space to keep the boys and girls separate. Oh, right. Because bull Arabs will climb fences to fuck. Yeah, okay. And they'll fuck through the fence too. Oh, wow. Yeah yeah because the girl dog will back up right and the boy dog unless you've got a pussy dog exactly i was gonna say yeah yeah

they won't even fuck when they're on top of each other yeah so that that was the other time yeah i had dogs next please oh okay dare i ask and we and maybe we need to thread this out for the next time you're on, but dare I ask, is there a third time you ate dog food? I don't think so, but there was a girl who, when I worked at the dog boarding kennel, you know how you get dog meat, like the rolls? A chub? Yeah, sort of.

A loaf? Yeah, but but the whole just the wholesale meat for dogs not meat made out of dogs yes prime loaf yep

we do not a risotto for the big dogs but the little dogs would get that and we'd cut it up and one of the other girls would be like

it's just just meat and so she would sometimes pick a few and put it in her mouth and eat it and she would try and get us to eat it

she would just be like it's just devon She would just be like, it's just Devon. And we'd be like, oh, I don't know. It doesn't smell the same as Devon. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That really made me feel physically ill. So did it for me at the time.

Yeah. Where did the fantails go? Where did the original fantails go? It was nice. He did just put them in a separate plastic container and then get them out after I'd eaten the dog food. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then that was good because I was-

No fantails until you finish your dog food. Who am I? Born in 1987. I'm a complete cunt. Uncle Peter. Oh. 1987, I'm a complete cunt. Uncle Peter. All right. I think my tip is, my pick is, oh, yeah, I like this. Jono's grandma.

What she said to me first time I met her. Okay. So Jono's your boyfriend. Yes. Yes. But she said to me, first time I met her. Okay. So Jono's your boyfriend.

Yes. And so the first time I met them, I went up and immediately we looked through some family photo albums. And that's when I found out that, yes, Jono definitely is part German. And that his, yep, her father was a Nazi. Oh, what? And I was like, okay. And you kept that in the photo album. I guess it's just the only photos you have back in the day is your soldier photo headshot. Just loved a man in uniform.

Yeah, I guess so. And so she... Really? Yeah, and she married an Italian, which I think back in the day was a no-no for the Nazis, but I'm not sure. There was a little bit of aligning, wasn't there? A little bit of fascist teamwork going on. But didn't they then say that, I hope I've got this not, well, this could be bad.

Didn't they say that, didn't the Germans then say, nah, the Italians are lazy and kick them out? Or is that a lie? Look, I wouldn't be that. Or is that just me in the mirror? Yeah. They said worse things than that about other people, so it's fine. I think you're allowed to say that.

I can say some stuff about the Nazis. It's not their biggest crime, I don't think, at that time. So hang on, you're around there. Hang on, he's saying the Nazis are a little bit racist? That's fucked up, man. Tommy, edit this out, please. Reverend Ivan are going to be pulling their music from our theme song now. Don't put this bit in the theme song or we're going to lose our Nazi listenership.

So, wait, this is just in a photo album that's just like on the coffee table the first time you go around there? She pulled it down for us to have a look through. Jono's granddad, they live in separate houses, his grandma and grandma, because she just decided she was like, ah. Well, she said, I don't want us to live together anymore. And then he moved to a different retirement village maybe 15 years ago. Then he started flirting with a lady there and she said, none of that.

Thank you. You can come visit me every day. But when I say it's time for you to go home, you've got to go home. What? So that's. I love this yeah this rules she's a fun it will be not floating so they're still together but they she just needed a space at age 89 yeah basically she said

get out of here but also maybe he, because he got into, well, he got into a feud with a lady at the retirement village who liked Elvis memorabilia. And so he would go with, he would like try and go to charity shops on the bus when she would go to charity shops on the bus but try and get all the Elvis memorabilia from the charity shop before she could get it. But he also can't tell the difference between Elvis and James Dean,

so his house is just filled with Elvis and James Dean memorabilia. What do you mean? It's just everywhere in his house. I don't know. I just asked John all the time. This is even your family. This is just like, no wonder you think this is normal. Just even like anyone who comes into your gravitational pull

has just like got the exact same sort of shit going on. It's all around you. Elvis is potentially the most recognisable person in all of popular culture. But also, generally if it's Elvis merchandise, you've got the word Elvis there somewhere. It's not untitled. They've got the name there that you can read.

Remember when James Dean got really fat? He was just doing plays in Vegas every night. I guess she just got sick of having all that in the house, maybe. Also, when we went to his house, he only had cheese singles in the fridge and kept trying to feed us because I guess that's a stereotype. Italians love to feed you.

And so he just kept making us eat cheese singles. And then after like three cheese singles, we were like, I reckon we've had enough cheese singles. Just a Kraft single. Just a Kraft single and then a cup of coffee beside it. That's not the full Italian stereotype. No. Only having processed cheese in the fridge.

I can't make anything else. I'm too lazy. Mario, this isn't a craft single. This is dog food. Come be a nonna. I like the craft. He goes to her house to eat. Just like a mum who used to pee a lot.

Have at this Elvis cheese. Come and have one of these. Oh, no. I mean, as you would say, the single. Hey, you see the Rebel Without a Cause? It's my favourite Alice movie.

I think it's fine what I said about Italians. Yeah, I think it's fine. By doing what we're doing, we're helping to kind of like normalise what you said. Yeah, what I said's fine. We're helping.

Oh, God. So what did she say to you the first time you were there other than my father was a Nazi? She hugged me what I said's fine. Yeah. We're helping. Oh, God. So what did she say to you the first time you were there other than my father was a Nazi? She hugged me. My husband's lazy. She hugged me and... Was it just pictures?

There wasn't any memorabilia in the house or anything? No, no, no. It was just the headshot of him like in his Nazi uniform. Right. And then just, you know... She couldn't tell the difference

between Hitler and Kim Jong-un. Her memorabilia was all over the place. We went to the op shop to get the memorabilia. Well, Elvis was in the army. Maybe she thought it was Elvis. Well, also me and John will be dating for like five years by that point. So I think it was like enough time. Elvis has got a cute little moustache there.

That just tiny little toothbrush one. I love Elvis's paintings. Sorry. Toothbrush one? Love Elvis's paintings. No, but she whispered in my ear to me as we went to leave. She said, don't make the same mistake we did. That's the last thing she said. And then I got in the car and that was the first time I met her. Isn't that a strange thing? But then they did have the separation.

Sometimes I can't. Wait, but you don't know specifically what the mistake was? I think it was just getting married to one of the men from the family i guess right turning turning jono against the jews maybe yeah i didn't sometimes i can't tell the difference between traumatic and funny when i write down a story because i did i do think that that's strange but then the other grandma his other grandma told me um that i should never marry him because if I do, he'll stop doing chores. The two grandmas have really got it in for their grandson.

Yeah. Wow. What did he do as a kid to turn him against two grandmas? The grandmas are supposed to be the you know grandmas love their grandchildren more than their children and they've both turned against

poor old Jono maybe to my grandma my mum's mum apparently my cousins always tell me this whenever I would leave the room or they were with her alone she was always like

Tom says he's a comedian but I never hear him say anything funny yeah like repeatedly yeah and immediately towards the end when she's just repeating a lot of the same stuff again yeah Tom says he's a comedian, but I never hear him say anything funny. Like, repeatedly. And immediately towards the end, when she's just repeating a lot of the same stuff again. The thing she really hung on to was Tom Mallon is not funny.

Damn. Was she a fan of the same politics as you? No, no, no. And she would never have seen any of my stand-up. Maybe you'll see me pop up on TV every now and again. What comedy did she like? She loved Husey. Maybe she couldn't tell

the difference between you and Elvis since she was just always like, Jailhouse Rock, this is not funny. He says he's a sex symbol, but I don't know. Not funny.

I don't see him swinging his hips at all. He says he's white, but I don't see it. Am I lonesome tonight? That is not funny. Has anyone in your family said anything kind of weird to Jono?

Have you repaid the favour? I mean, they've said weird stuff to him. Not like anything bad about me. Hey, have a fantail? Yeah. I guess I mean, I don't know if i've said this before but the time granddad was like um trying to get the tilapia uh it's an invasive species of fish out of the dam and he put a fish trap in the dam to catch them and was like talking to jono

and while he was talking to him pulled a baby fish out of it and then crushed it in his hands while they were talking face to face. What are your intentions with Danielle? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't think granddad necessarily, like he just sort of went on there. That would be great if your granddad did that, pulled out a fish and just crushed it in front of him and then Jono's like, cunt, my granddad's a Nazi.

You're going to have to do a little bit better than that. Really mixing metaphors, whatever you do to Danielle, I'll do to this fish. Well, I think that brings us to the end of another installment of Danielle's Greatest Hits. Not even halfway through the set list. Wow. Amazing.

What a life. You and many in your orbit have led. So good. I love coming on the show with Katera Lockland or Danielle. I don't have to do anything. It's fucking great. Just sit back and let the crazy come on through. Sit there and be the sniper. Danielle, you've got a show coming out this week.

On TV. I think so. I don't know what day. Yeah, it's coming out this week on ABC. I guess this week, yeah. Whenever this is out. It'll be out. Yeah, it'll be out.

What's your show called? It's called Gold Diggers. Yeah. I'm acting in it. And you're in the old times. Yes, the olden days. Yeah. Like early...

It's like 1853, exactly. Right, like gold rush times. Yeah. For Australia. But it's not historically accurate, so I don't... Well, I mean, I don't know. Some people say historically accurate, but then I'm like, I don't know, that bit's not. Yeah.

You know, some of the slaying and stuff, so... I think I saw you on an ad and you were like saying selfie or something like that, so I'm pretty sure it's not. Yeah, it's not historically accurate, but it it said we're in some old villages and stuff and in old-timey dresses and that jazz. Yeah, like Sovereign Hill in the dark. Yeah, big time. Oh, yeah.

That sort of shit. Anyway, that's on the ABC. Yes. About now. So get onto that. Yeah. You're like the lead in it. There's two leads.

You're like a lead. Have you ever acted before? No. And, I mean, you'll see if I can or not. You look good on the ad. It's great. That's good. I always get, you know, because if you haven't acted before,

then you've got to do it. It can be stressful. But I kept making one of the other girls, Claire, I kept trying to make her, like, make us have crying competitions because even though we're, it's a comedy, so we're not really crying ever. But I thought, oh, that'll teach me how to act. Can we just sort of like try?

And so then they'd be like, action. And then we'd be like trying to stop crying quickly to go into it. Well, I mean, she would. She could get tears going. And I would just get, I'd just sort of be glassy eyed. Yeah, you're desensitised because of all the stories you've ever told.

Yeah. Do you think everyone, like, so if you're the lead and you've never acted before, do you think all the other actors are like hating you because it's like, you know, in stand-up it's like some fucking reality show star who's just done one gig of stand-up. Yeah, I'm a comedian now. Do you think you're one of them now? He's done one gig of stand-up. Yeah, I'm a comedian now.

Do you think you're one of them now? Well, that's why I try and be humble. And when you say, do you act now? I go, oh, we'll see. I don't know. Maybe. You can't be like around the other actors who have done 45 years at drama school and then heaps of Shakespeare. And then I'll ask.

Because they've got this thing in acting called playing to the back of the room, which is different to what we have as playing to the back of the room. Because in comedy, playing to the back of the room is being a fuckhead and playing to the other comedians who are standing at the back of the room and not being funny to normal people, doing in-jokes or whatever. And playing to the back of the room in acting is making your performance so big that people in the back row can see everything you're doing. And so when people would like give other people feedback,

I'd be confused. When you were acting and they said you play to the back of the room, you were going, oh, fucking, how's Yuzi going? Yeah, I was doing the snakes alive bit. Or an actor doing stand-up and playing to the back of the room. They're like, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?

Did you hear that up there in the nose please? So that's on, yeah that'll be on now or this week when it'll be out when people hear this. And hey, if you're overseas, get a little VPN. Yeah. Watch it on the high beam. Yeah. Gold diggers. Gold diggers. Gold diggers. Gold diggers.

Tom, what have you got? You've got your show on in Melbourne this Sunday? Yes, please. Sunday, July 9th, Replay Festival at the Comedy Republic. It's the last time I'm doing It Is I in Australia. It then goes to Montreal and Edinburgh, if people want to come along to that there as well. And the final episode of Deadlock comes out this week.

Oh, yeah. I had no qualms about taking an acting role. It was the role I was born to play. Fuck all those stupid drama school nerds. I'm exactly where I

need to be. Deadlock's on Amazon Prime. Oh no. Prime Video. Nothing to do with Amazon. It's Prime Video

baby. Going in Cooey of that jungle. Just straight Prime. Prime Video. Prime Possumoey of that jungle. Just straight prime. Prime Video. Prime Possum. Please check it out. All the thrilling conclusions this week.

All the chickens come home to roost. Wow. Et cetera. And go and see Tom's show because I caught it in Toowoomba and I fucking loved it. Thanks. It was great. Wow, you travelled all the way there just to see it? Yeah.

Should have waited until it came back here. Yeah. I did, when I found out he was doing it again on the car ride up, I did think I could have just seen this at home. Alright, that is going to do us for another week. Thank you very much for joining us and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates! Dum-dum! And they've done it again. Oh, Bernard. Yep. No chewing on his boot. Nope. Straight up and through the high diddle diddle.

I love how Bernie's kicked a big one is the most like the catchphrase that we have that has just eroded over time. There's nothing else that we really say. There'll be a catchphrase that we have that has just eroded over time. There's nothing else that we really say. There'll be a catchphrase that we just stop saying. But it went from Bernie's kicked a big one to now at most we get a, oh, Bernard. It's just gradually. I'm waiting for the day where you can't even be fucked with that and we just get, oh, B. It's like if you're smart, you just keep writing that catchphrase, but we got bored with it after two weeks and then just turned it into,

burn, big, okay. Yeah. It's sort of like the catchphrase now has its own catchphrase. Yes. It's splinted off. We're trying to keep ourselves interested. Good fun. Amazed that there's still more water in the Danielle well.

Yeah. After, I always think this, you know, she's going to come in and we're going to desperately be, you know, circling the drain and she'll be like, boys, I've done this eight times in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've heard everything from my childhood. And also, I don't want to keep giving you these cool things. Yeah.

I'll keep them for my whatever. Yeah. My own podcast. My memoirs. Danielle Walker's fucked up life and upbringing. If we ever find out she's bringing out a book, we should try and race to market with the unauthorized Danielle Walker biography. Yeah. Well, it's always more fun.

It's like, you know, if ever this happens, sometimes you hear this a little bit through the listeners, but someone will tell a story to us that they've told on another podcast, shock horror, like, you know, as if you've got an exclusive deal on it. But then all the riffs are the things that, it's what makes it, isn't it? Like all the asides, all the interjections and whatever. So, you know, like whatever. I remember a friend of the program, Will Anderson, saying to me

he'll tell the same story on a podcast multiple times and he's like, yeah, there's different people in the mix. You're getting a different, yeah, exactly that. You're getting different riffs on it. You're getting different angles on it. Who cares?

It's going to be a different listen. Yes. Anyway, fun times. Great. Guests and go and follow whatever the fuck they're doing. Whatever they plugged on that show. Yeah, check times. Great. Guests, go and follow whatever the fuck they're doing. Yeah, check out Tom's show. Check out Danielle's show.

Hey, you were talking about Thailand in this episode. Just in this one. And I'm about to go to Vietnam. Two countries synonymous with bootlegging. Yes. With off-brand things. Yes. I've got a fascination with this. I love bootlegging. Yes. With off-brand things. Yes. Now, I've got a fascination with this.

I love bootleg merchandise. Yes. I was thinking about this a little while ago that it's a crying shame, I think, in this country. Like, I've been to concerts in America that are at a venue that's like the size of, say, the Forum. And there'll still be someone out the front selling bootleg merch. Right. You just don't really see that here that often. No.

I think I've seen someone selling bootleg merch at the front of a concert once it was for kylie minogue yep and that's it and i want to get into the bootleg game right like i want to start doing this just like when there's a big enough show i might do it for taylor swift next year okay just pull up out the front of the mcg yep have my own bootleg taylor merch yeah but i gotta start somewhere, right? And I could, there was like, when I was thinking about this, there was nothing really coming up that was big enough to bootleg.

But I've got a range of bootleg merch that I'm selling now. Okay. You might be able to notice I'm actually wearing right now. Okay. I've made bootleg merchandise of the Clifton Hill McDonald's.

Right. Famous, it's like an old bank. It's regularly gets shouted out on Twitter as one of the most beautiful McDonald's in the world. You used to live very close to it. It used to be my local. Yes. So it's got a special place in my heart.

So I've made T-shirts and hoodies and tote bags of the Clifton Hill McDonald's. Yes. And this Sunday, July the 9th, 8th, 9th. Right. I'm going to be doing a merchandise. I'm going to be doing a pop-up. Right.

I'm going to be selling my bootleg Clifton Hill McDonald's merchandise. Right. In the car park of the Clifton Hill McDonald's. Okay. All right. I'm going to ride in there, suitcase in the back of the Sportage from 11 a.m. And I don't know how long for until I get chased out of there. Do you sell them directly out of the boot?

I'm selling them directly out of the boot. Yeah, great. Yeah. So boot open. Boot open Sunday the 9th of July, if you listen to this hot off the presses. Right. 11 presses. Right. 11 a.m. for, look, hopefully a couple of hours, but I don't know if I'll get chased off by the staff. Right.

So if you want one, maybe get down there as close to 11 as possible. I don't reckon there's... I would say there would be no one working in the Clifton Hill McDonald's that is paid enough to give a fuck about it. Good point. Working in the Clifton Hill McDonald's that is paid enough to give a fuck about it. Good point. And also I think it would, if you're there for an hour or two hours, I think it would take upwards of three hours for them to A, notice something's going on. B, figure out what's going on. Yeah.

And C, understand what's going on. Well, I've been spooked a little bit by like a number of people I've mentioned this to. Like McDonald's are an incredibly famously litigious company. So I think that's in the back of my head. If you got sued within two hours, great. Not by the McDonald's Corporation, just specifically by the Clifton Hill one. Right, right, right. Yeah, I think you'll be...

I think if you did it inside the store, you might be in trouble. Yes. But I think the car park, I think, it's quite a big car park. Yeah, is it? I think so. Like, it's a long sort of like a horse shape. It kind of like curves around. Yeah, it's curved around.

Yeah. It's like horseshoe shaped. So I think there's, I think, get in there blind spot. Well, look. That's my tip. Come down and look, if sales aren't going the way I want, I might like, maybe I will have to like get a bit more active and like get in the store and sort of get up in people's faces, you know, right.

As they're walking away with their quarter pounder meal, be like, Hey, uh, pretty good product. Hey, do you want a little t-shirt to remember this moment forever? Right. I got some merch out in the car park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they've come up great. I'm really happy with them.

I think they're a nice little tribute to one of the most beautiful McDonald's in the city. Yeah, come down 11 a.m. this Sunday, July the 9th from 11 a.m. at the Clifton Hill McDonald's. Yeah, right. And buy some Bootleg Maccas merch out of the boot of my car. So just after the breakfast menu goes down? No, it's all day now. Oh. Yeah.

It's been all day for like 10 years. No, it hasn't. Not for that long. You've watched Big Daddy this morning, haven't you? What's Big Daddy? The Adam Sandler movie. I've never seen that. Where he has the big breakdown about the McDonald's breakfast menu.

I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I'm still going traditional. traditional style 10.30. I think 10.30s, at the very least, 10.30 would be when they stop being particularly fresh or you can get them quicker. If you order one now at 2.30, it's like, oh, fucking hell, we've got to go and fucking make one of these for this fucking goon. Yeah, we've got to crack an egg.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big difference. Yeah. We've got to crack an egg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big difference. Yeah. We've got to get the muffins out. Jesus Christ. I would never have one post-midday, but I think it's nice that you can get one, you

know, around the 11, 11.30 region. That's still a late breakfast. I had a little period there for a while where I never used to do the McDonald's menu, breakfast menu. And then about six months ago, I just started hammering it. Just had a little period of time where I was like, you know what? I'm off the burgers. I'm just going to get the muffin.

That's it. I really went for it there for a while. Yep. I'm back off it again. Oh, you're back. Okay. Burnt bright and now gone. Yeah.

I looked up the menu for Vietnam McDonald's the other day. Oh, yeah? Just to see if there were any regional specialties, which sometimes there are. Yep. There doesn't seem to be. There's no, you know, there's no McFur. You know, I was hoping for like a, maybe they do their own take on the banh mi or something. Yeah, so that's what I would have guessed.

But what they do have, and I don't think this is anything specifically to do with Vietnam, but they have a sausage burger, which I have to assume is just the sausage patty from the sausage and egg muffin, but just in a burger bun. That's it. That's the only difference I could find

with Vietnamese Maccas. What about the... Do they have 7-Eleven or do they have their version of 7-Eleven? That's a good question. I would assume they have 7-eleven or do they have their version of 7-eleven that's a good question i would assume they have 7-eleven um but yeah i don't know what their what their local version is yeah i guess i'll find out i hope they do like i mean i'm sure we've talked about this before but the i mean just the craziness of 7-Eleven in Thailand compared to here, where over there it's the cheap option and it's a great,

and it's pretty beloved, whereas here I don't think there's any love for 7-Eleven here because it's expensive. Japan's the same. Like, some of the best sandwiches you get are at 7-Eleven or Family Mart or Lawson's in Japan. Yeah. Yeah, the concept of being able to go into one of those stores and actually get a decent meal is, yeah.

Even now that they've got, what's it called? Johnny's Deli. Yeah. I feel like that's what they're trying to do. They're trying to get it more in line with the Asian counterpart. Yes. But it's still, it's not, I don't think it's taking. I quite like the effort.

I don't mind it. I quite like their new range of all the hot food there. It's so much better than it used to be. Yeah. But in comparison to Thailand, it's fucking insane. No. I love that Thailand is like they have one. I'd love to see some sort of record of what they're carrying in the store at any time.

Because they have so many different products in the store. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. And then you walk into a 7-Eleven here, it's like, I reckon there's six things in here. Well, yeah. And those sandwiches that they make in-house,

quote-unquote in-house, at 7-Eleven here, you go, has this been here for like six days? Like, that's the thing. Like, in a 7-Eleven in Tokyo, I think they're refilling those sandwiches like four times a day because there's such a dense number of people coming through just hitting those sandwiches that they are turning them over constantly but some of those like little wraps you see at 7-eleven here you're like that's been here a week

easily that lettuce is great well vietnam here is a list I found. The top 10 convenience store chains in Vietnam. Okay. Circle K. Oh, yeah. I don't think I've ever been in a Circle K. Family Mart. Mm-hmm. Family Mart is...

I didn't realize this is Japanese. Yeah. Yeah, we've talked about this. Yeah. Yeah. Bees Mart. Okay. Whatever that is.

7-Eleven then 7-Eleven was a bit of a They're a bit of a late adopter of 7-Eleven in Vietnam Yeah Mini Stop Mini Stop, okay Well I think this is Japanese as well

Never heard of that before Shop and Go Vinmart And Vinmart Plus Satra Foods Cheers Wow Okay Go to Cheers Yep and go. Vinmart and Vinmart Plus. Satra Foods. Cheers. Wow.

Okay. Go to Cheers. Yep. It is a oh it's a cooperation between Vietnam and Singapore. I think maybe I've seen

no you no you know what I have seen I've been to Cheers in Singapore. That's where I've seen it. Yeah right. It wasn't cheap

because it was in Singapore. Vins shop and speed l i'm looking forward to hitting a vietnamese family mart seeing how they do that man complete the top 10 i wonder what their um i wonder what their like their main one is like what's their main is it maybe circle k then if that's number one if it's that listed does that originate in circle? Circle K convenience store chain of Red Circle Company Limited was franchised from the US, established for a long time in 1951. Up to now, Circle K has become one of the most prestigious brands in the world. It officially appeared in Vietnam at the end of 2008. There's more than 400 stores in Vietnam.

Okay. There's more than 400 stores in Vietnam. Advantages. Occupying the heart of Vietnamese youth because Circle K has a youthful style, has a cool place to sit, a variety of fast food suitable for young people. Disadvantages. Currently, the Circle K chain stores are probably only deducted because the room temperature is quite low. Isn't that good?

Yeah. Vietnam's hot, isn't it? Yeah. It means you get to... Vietnam's hot, isn't it? Yeah. You get to go into an air-conditioned place. I watched the Anthony Bourdain episode where he's in Hanoi, which is one of the most famous ones, because it's the one where he dines with Barack Obama. All right.

And the way that it is set up in the show is like, Bourdain's just walking down the street and he sees like a guy, like a food seller guy just kind of asleep. And he's like, oh, this guy's sleeping through the day. He has no idea what he's about to miss out on. And then it cuts to like the presidential motorcade coming through and like, you know, Obama being ushered out by his like guys and there's all these people in the street taking photos and he sees Bourdain

and he's like, hey, and they shake hands and then they go out for a meal. And I was watching it with my girlfriend and she's like, how insane is that that he's just walking down the street and Obama happens to rock up and they get it on camera. That's crazy. I'm like, are you insane? and they get it on camera. That's crazy.

I'm like, are you insane? How naive. I love that she just got caught up in the pageant, in the theatre of it. Oh, what a crazy old life you live if you're Bourdain. Just randomly running into Obama on the other side of the world. Have we talked about this? Have you ever been to Port Douglas?

Yeah, when I was a kid. But I don't really remember it. It's funny, when you go to Port Douglas, every restaurant has a picture of Bill Clinton in there, because Bill Clinton went there on holidays once. And so, you know, it's not the biggest place in the world. So he's just like done the rounds and every place he's gone in, obviously everyone's gone, can we get a picture of Bill Clinton in our shop?

So you go into every place, they've all got a picture of Bill Clinton in their shop. But what makes it funny is that not everyone, you know, a lot of them do, but some of them don't. And I would say what the story they would be telling is the reason they don't is because 9-11 happened while he was in Port Douglas. Oh, right. So there was some store that was there was you know some nice restaurant some some italian little pastor house was like fuck we're due bill clinton there any day now

and then all of a sudden the twin towers come down wow fuck fuck those terrorists he could have come in here for a bolognese we would have had a photographic proof of it i wonder if there's an equivalent of like you know the famous photo of bush where he's like reading the story at the at the preschool getting in it but it's like bill clinton in a hogs breath in a hogs breath cafe with someone whispering in his ear they've got one yeah yeah okay just him just like looking up from the curly fries page and someone whispering in his ear and going oh no yeah but with the time difference it's like like, what, midnight here? So it's just him. Yeah.

Yeah. It's him at some shit, like watching cane toad racing. Oh, yes. About to order the mud cake at Hogsbreath Cafe. Yeah. And just putting down the mains. And it's like, they've gone like, let's not bother him through the mains. Let's just get him, you know, as he's just tucking into a little sundae.

Yep. Nah. He's the president. Boom. And then him being like, oh. But then also's just tucking into a little sundae. Yep. Mr. President. Boom. And then him being like, oh. But then also like, oh, no, hang on. I'm not in charge anymore. I don't really have to worry about this.

No, but like he did. I don't really have to do anything. They did. I think they had to evacuate. They had to. I don't know why that was a thing, but like he got out of there. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, right. I don't know whether they just went, secure all the presidents. Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's a rule or something. Yeah. Maybe all the previous presidents. Yeah, right. I don't know whether they just went, secure all the presidents. Yeah, maybe. Whether that's a rule or something. Yeah. Maybe all the previous presidents. Yeah. Anyway, let's get into...

Let's read out some goddamn names. Yeah, that's it. Thank you to everyone that subscribes. Very much appreciated. Keeps the lights on. Keeps everything going. Keeps the... Everything lubed in here.

Yeah. Both of our heinies. Everything. It runs... it makes sure this you know we don't get heaps of sponsorship and there's no other reason why we would get money for doing this show so um you are making this show happen yeah because we sure as hell wouldn't be doing it for free um so if you don't like this show absolutely feel free to not subscribe but if you do like it do the opposite of that um thank you very much to everyone that subscribes but in particular this week let's let's let's really narrow some people down to um you know a nice little handful of names yep thank you very much to patreon subscriber michael kincaid kincaid k-i-n-k-e-a-d i presume that's

how that's pronounced. Good name. I like it. Yeah, I don't mind it. I mean, look, I'm giving this person the benefit of the doubt because Kincaid sounds cool. I could say it's kink head. Yeah, kinkade. Kink head is good. Your head has a kink, as in there's something slightly wrong with it.

You've got a divot in the side of the skull yeah or um your head is full of kinks as in all you think about is uh ladies walking around dressed as horses pissing on you but with their tits hanging out yeah some stilettos yeah walked all over you've always wanted to fuck a lady horse with big biggins. Yep. I mean, look, happy for that to be the case if that's what you want it to be. I mean, you're giving us money. That's our kink. Yes.

Yeah. We love to be paid to say fucked things about the people that give us that money. Well, there is a term, fin dom. That's like a term for financial domination. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think it's like controlling your money. So that's kind of the relationship that we have with all of the patrons of this.

Okay. Oh, fuck. I forgot to change it last week, but we did talk about that. What was I going to change it last week, but we did talk about that. What was I going to do? I'm going to change it to some sort of level of you're allowed to... Oh, you're a shareholder. Shareholder. Board of directors. Board of directors.

Yeah, something like that. I'm going to change that this week. Okay. You have some say on the show. Yes. Unlike all these other fucking idiots that have their say. Think they have some sort of like say on this show and don't want to give us one shekel it's still crazy to me and look i know

i know the times are tough but every time i go to post a bonus episode on there and you click the like you know who it's going out to so like what tier of subscribers yeah and uh you have to be on the ten dollar tier to get the bonus it because you get the two bonus episodes every week yes and just looking at the like there's still like a few people that are on the like one and two dollar yeah just going like i mean that's almost more admirable than the people that are on the 10 because it's like hey i'm just literally putting in this is all i can afford i'm fine to get literally nothing back for it yes but you just think like man look at the books and bump it up by a little bit and you get so much extra content you just

get so much stuff you get something instead of absolutely nothing literally nothing you know i'm all right i'm going to change the the top tiers to to reflect their shareholders in the show i'm going to change the one and two dollar tiers to to really drive in the show. I'm going to change the $1 and $2 tiers to really drive in the fact that it means nothing. You mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. You get nothing and you mean nothing. Look, it all adds up.

We appreciate it. Yes. But we appreciate it much less than nearly everyone else that subscribes. We appreciate it in a way, but also we just know the names of people that are sort of a little bit fucked in the head yeah yeah we like we appreciate it in a way that we know that we should appreciate it we should we know that we should appreciate it but at the same time

if it was to not be there it's hard to imagine our lives being too much different yes yes if we were each making like ten dollars less a month it's really hard to imagine our lives being too much different. Yes. Yes. If we were each making like $10 less a month. It's really hard to feel like that. It'd be too much of a... Yeah. Yeah. Kinkhead. Kinkade.

Mike. Mike Kinkhead. A lot of K's in there. Kinky Mike. Kinky. Oh, yeah. Is that what he's copying at school? I think so.

Yeah. Kinky Mike. Kinkade. Yeah. It's a nice Mike. Kinkade. Yeah. It's a nice sound, Kinkade. There's so many Ks there. This is like, you know, the saying, like, drinking the Kool-Aid. Yeah.

This is like drinking the Kinkade. Oh. You drink the cordial that makes you want to have someone, like, put stilettos on and trample all over your cock. Drinking the... That's a very nice way of describing sucking this guy off. I'm going to drink the Kinkade. Drink the Kinkade. Yeah.

Yeah. There we go. We got there in the end. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. That's something you can bring. You know, what I like about it, what I think is a good read is that when you say something

about someone's name, that they can then bring out of this read and bring it to their friends or family and say, I never thought of this about my name before. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, I know it's a good read when we get to the end and we finally work out a reference to sucking their cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when you know we've done good work here. That's also good. That's like when the whistle rings at five o'clock, you know that it's finished.

You've finished work for the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we get to the point where someone's dick's been sucked, boom. That's Fred Flintstone's boss pulling the tail of that bird on the perch. That's it. That's it. Well, we got there. Thanks, Michael Kincaid.

Thank you very much to Patron Subscriber Alexander Golovko. Golovko. Golovko. G-O-L-O-V-K-A. K-O. Sorry. Let's spell this whole thing. A-L-E-K-S-A-N-D-R-S.

Alexander's. Yeah. G-O-L-O-D-R-S. Alexander's. Yeah. G-O-L-O-V-K-O. Golovko. Golovko. Alexander's Golovko. Yep. Lord almighty.

A lot. There's a lot there. And it's a rare case of someone sounding, I assume, Russian from that side of the world? Well, actually, I've looked him up on Facebook immediately. Boom. Finland. I take that back. Okay. Finland. That's where this person's from.

He's Finnish. Imagine Alexander finishing in your mouth when you suck him off. Yeah. Oh, God. That was quick. All right. Jesus. Please don yeah, yeah. Oh, God, that was quick. All right. Jesus. Please don't. From, this is the guy from Latvia. Is this all ringing true?

I mean, look, I definitely know he's a, I'm assuming this is definitely our guy because I've just looked at his picture and he does have a neck beard. He does have a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. He's got a bit of a podcast listener look to him a that's an insane choice of pic is that his profile pic uh yes wow yes that's like he's not smiling yeah it's like a passport photo yeah but where they've gone to get into this country you need to look as much like a serial killer as possible yeah he's full of it if you could scowl a little bit more, that'd be great.

Yeah. Look, I'm glad that Alexander isn't scowling at this podcast and he's giving it money. But, yeah, I mean, I guess maybe that's just that Latvian look. You know, there's not that much going on. Maybe this has got something to do with the fact that he enjoys this podcast. Here it says, he is responsible for the design of sewage systems. A friend of mine is working in this pop-up kitchen at a bar for the next six months, and I was plugging it on the socials, and then I saw him on the weekend,

and he was in the middle of work. So I didn't get to elaborate on this too much. But he was like, oh, some people came in the other night and ordered. And after they ordered, I could just, there was something about them. I could just tell they were podcast listeners. Oh, really? And I'm like, now what does that mean? He was in the middle of work when he told me this so i couldn't get him to elaborate too much

but i've got to follow up and be like dare i ask yes what was it about them that tipped you off yes they were podcast listeners what is the what is the look of a podcast yeah i was um i don't do this often i'm sure you probably don't do this either but that whole thing of whenever you have to say what you do for a living i tend you know we've talked about this i tend to say i write her or whatever it is i was finally in the vet just before yep and uh it finally all sort of came out with my relationship with the vet okay like what what i do uh because she just kept talking about podcasts the whole time i was in there okay and it finally got to a point where I was like,

oh, I've got a story about a link to what you're talking about, but it links back to our podcast. Okay. So then I finally had to say, oh, yeah, so we do. Oh, and she's like immediately like, oh, so what's your podcast? And what's it about? And blah, blah, blah. I'm going to go and have a listen to it.

I'm like, oh, okay. I wonder, that story to me seems like she already knew that, you know, she's like 90% sure that you're Kyle Chandler. No. And she's like, I know what I'll do. I'll just incessantly talk about podcasts to try and smoke him out. I promise you that was not the case. And I'm really not looking. It's a very random topic for a vet to be pontificating on.

No, she was talking a lot about true crime podcasts and going on and on about podcasts and habits of this and that and whatever and it finally got back to Clark had to take the glasses off and explain he was actually Superman. But she is, yeah, I don't think she's going to enjoy the show. I've got a strong feeling. Well, she likes true crime. Yeah.

This is pretty heinous. Yes. Yeah, this is more like... I think that instead of murdering someone, I think there'd be more likely people just killing themselves on this podcast, which is not a real crime. This is nothing getting solved on here. No.

The experience of listening to this is very similar to in Ep 1, where they're describing in great detail the crime that took place and what the body was like when the cops eventually dug it up. Yeah. It's just that four-minute loop for 13 years. I think the thing that's not getting solved is, why are these two people still doing this? Yeah, that's the great crime.

Yeah, yeah. How we've never been brought down. Yeah. It's not taking a life, but it's wasting a couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Missing persons, missing careers. Yes.

Well, thanks, Alexandra. Yes. Thanks, Golovko. And I hope you're – I'm glad that you've got sewage at work and then sewage at home. Sewage on the way home, maybe. Listen to this. Sewage for the commute. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber WellWellWell.

One of these people that doesn't want their little names read out. Okay. They've put a little nom de plume. Yes. Thank you very much to... Look, this is what you want, so this is what you're getting. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber NoNameNath. NoNameNath.

Yeah. Okay. Well, hang on a minute. Nath's a name. Yeah. You've exposed a flaw in your thinking. Now, what do you think about this way of conducting your business? What is so special about these people that they can't have their name read out deep within a podcast in the bit that not as many people listen to?

Yeah. Who do you think you are? What's the consequences? Are these people in witness relocation or? Well, yeah, I've talked about this before, like having friends who just like have,

you know, regular lives, regular jobs. And they're like, yeah, I'm getting off social media. You know, they're,

you know, they're fucking, they're taking your data and they're doing this and that. I'm always just like, who cares? Like, what does it matter to you that they know that you went to, you know,

that an algorithm knows that you went to Port Douglas with your family? Yes. Who gives a fuck? You're too late to see Bill Clinton. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Well, I mean, look, obviously with people doing this with us, the dream is that it's like someone incredibly famous.

Right. Who's like, doesn't want their spot blown up. Okay. You know, it's like Tom Cruise just happens to love this podcast. Yes. And he's like well i'm i'm a fan i don't want to be on it my reputation would never recover yeah and if i put my real details in then they'll hassle me so i'll just put my my alias that i always check into a hotel under

yeah no name name it might be bill clinton it could be him he was very fond of australia when he came here in 2001. He always was like, man, I mean, I can never come back there because of the – I feel like every time I go to Australia, it causes two buildings in America to collapse. So what's the closest I can do? I know I can listen to podcasts from Australia instead of coming back and causing another heinous crime and disaster and tragedy. And if we found out that he listened,

we could try and entice him back to the country and do a live episode with him in that Vietnamese place on Swanston Street. He still has the poster out the front saying, Bill Clinton ate two bowls. How many can you have? Yes. Imagine that.

The live event, that really, if we could pull that off. If someone pulled off a live event where he goes back and recreates eating those two bowls. That would be the biggest event this city's ever seen. We could get him to do that and then we could bring him back to Port Douglas, finish the lap of the main street. He could go to La Poquette up there. He can finish his dessert at Hogsbreath Cafe. Mm-hmm. And the final night of this tour, we've orchestrated a terrorist attack to happen in America while he's here.

Yes. And, yeah, look, I think we've deducted who this No Name Nath is. Now, the only thing that's left missing is the real tricky one, the real, I'm not sure how we're going to manage this, but link him back to getting his dick sucked. I don't know. I don't know how we're going to do that. Fuck.

Yeah, we might be on this one for a while. Okay. Yeah, just like Monica was. Oh, that's right. Yes. Great. That's right yes great that's right yes that fan fiction you wrote yes about monica from friends sucking off bill clinton yes yeah yeah yeah great yeah yeah and then finishing and going like that yeah could i because be any more horny because that was the sound of him getting the clap from her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they also, the characters in that show were regularly just doing that thing from the theme song for some reason. Yeah. And he, he, yeah, she sucked off his dick in a fountain. Yep. Right. Nice. Okay, great.

Thanks, No Name. Thanks, No Name. If that is your real name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sam Dodgson. Is it good or an indictment that the best riff we've had so far this week has been from someone who didn't even put their name? Yeah, yeah. Thank you to Sam Dodgson.

Dodgson. D-O-D-G-S-H-U-N. Dodgy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Dodgy. Yeah. Dodgy yeah, of course. Dodgy. Yeah. Dodgy boy.

Nothing but that, is there? There's no other nickname. I think calling something dodgy is, like, such a great description. Yeah, is it? It's such a good term. It doesn't happen in America, does it? I think it's, yeah, I think it's distinctly Australian. That's dodgy.

Yeah. Well, it feels like it's english as well oh yeah i would say oh that's that's well dodgy yeah it's got it's got to have come from there look at this person walking out of your this building across the street do you reckon that looks like dave o'neill oh yeah a little bit a little bit sort of like not really but and like funnily enough similar that it'd be good to get a photo and send it to o'neill and go that's you there's i yeah there's a building opposite my we're recording at my my place there's a office big bunch of office buildings opposite and i never know what's in there there was like you need to go in and just look at the directory

next to the lift yeah you're right i've never walked in that door i don't think i can though do you ever have that you go to like your you know you go to whatever like a doctor or a like if you've got to go to get like a blood test and you have to go to a place you've never been before and you just like you're at the lift and you just look at that you're looking at that big list and it's like wow look at all the stuff that's going on in here yeah that's just such a funny list and it's like, wow, look at all the stuff that's going on in here. Yeah. That's just such a funny convention that it's like a big building has to have like, here's all the people that are in here.

Yeah. I always get confused. When I go to my dentist, I always forget the name of the dentist because it doesn't say dentist. It just says the name of the dentist. Oh, just the person's name? Yeah, like people's names. And I'm always like, I fucking forget what this person's name is. I'm just getting on

and getting off at different floors going, is this the dentist? No. Okay. I guess I'm going to a different floor now.

I had to go to the doctor Call your dentist a dentist, please. Yeah. Change your name to Mr. Dentist. Yes. I have like a

regular GP who I've had for the last like maybe two years. I changed like new clinic and everything. Been to this guy a few times about various things, you know, so I got a bit of a relationship with him. And then when I was really sick the other week, I just needed to go. I was like, I've got to just go like tomorrow.

And I went on to make a booking and he wasn't free. So I was just like, I'll just go to fucking whoever, whichever guy in there. Go in, just get this random guy, just explain to him what's up and then while I was in there I was like, I like this guy a lot more. Oh, yeah. I think I'm going to jump ship within the same clinic. Yeah, yeah. I feel a bit, I don't know, I feel a bit guilty about it.

I was like, oh, this guy's just, I don't know, just getting a bit better vibe off him. Yeah, yeah. It was real baptism by fire because it was like me going in to talk about my stomach bug. So I got, you know, a guy I've never interacted with before going in. Yeah. Talking about my shits in great detail. Yeah.

And just felt really at ease with him. And I was like, this is the best barometer of a GP. Yeah. How they make you feel when you're talking about your disgusting plops yeah yeah i i got a blood test yesterday and i it's funny because i went in for a blood test and i must not have done that forever and so the company still had me on file but they go you're still living at this address and just gave me a dress that i've never lived at. Okay. And I was sitting there going, hang on, I've never lived there. And then started to sort of get into a, not an argument, but like talking to the woman about it.

And then she's like, yeah, I don't really care where you used to live. Like, this isn't the issue here. The issue is, where do you live now? Some things it is relevant where you live. Like I had that recently. I had to make a claim on my insurance and i'd moved but not told them and so it's like well we've got to redo your whole policy now because you used to live in a building where you were parking undercover now you're not that's changed the cost but yeah when it's something like that where you go in and they're like address and you're like this doesn't you're not sending you're not posting the blood back to me. But more importantly, that's fine to give you my new address because that could be relevant.

But I was sort of arguing over where I used to live 15 years ago. And they're like, we don't care. But I was like, I do care because I want to know where you got this address from. Yeah. Because why the fuck would I have lived in this place? That's not where I lived at all. No where you'd ever been. Like no connection to it whatsoever.

No, because I was like, I was like, it's this suburb. I'm like, okay, I did live in that suburb. But I remember the two streets that I lived in. And that's not the fucking street. Where the fuck did you pluck this name from? Interesting. And then as I'm talking there, the woman's like going, yeah, I don't really care. And just like, do you have blood tests?

And they prep you for it. They go, get ready. It's going to sting. And, you know, I'm going to do this. This woman just goes, just as we're talking, just leaned over and stuck a needle in me. And I'm like, oh, okay. I guess that's how we do that.

I had to get one recently and it was, yeah, it was that. Right. And just like, whatever. In we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but then was like saying, yeah, this is good because I haven't been doing much before this. I've just been watching TikTok.

I've just been watching a lot of stuff about Meghan Markle on TikTok. Oh, yeah, this is good because I haven't been doing much before this. I've just been watching TikTok. I've just been watching a lot of stuff about Meghan Markle on TikTok. Oh, yeah. Okay. How much blood did they have to take? Oh, man, they took fucking heaps. This happened to me a little while ago where, like, yeah, my doctor was like, oh, I need to check for a few different things.

Yeah. And so I went in and they had the thing in me for fucking ever. Yeah. And you're just like pumping away. Yeah. And the lady was like, fuck, this is pretty rough that he's got you to do all this at once. Because she's just filling up like vile after vile. Just doing like five things in a row. This is a thing that got me.

And she's like, you're going to need to sit here for like half an hour afterwards. Because we've ended up taking a lot of fucking blood for you. How many vials? This is a while. It would have been like four or five. Like they took five. I felt like I was there. And then it's getting to the end and it's like, there's just, I'm tapped out.

She's getting me to do the like, clench the fist to get it going. And then she's like, yeah, we'll just about get there. Well, I found it funny because I was sitting there and she was like oh your vein's a bit flat have you been i don't know what have you been doing have you been i don't know like like cycling or exercising or something like that and i'm like i look at her and i'm like i'm in full workout running i've got like it's fucking nine degrees outside yeah i've got shorts on i've got runners with mud all over them yep i'm in a fucking you know workout singlety thing and a hat I'm like yeah I've been right like we're in a small room you could you can smell what I've been doing yeah

I've been exercising she's oh okay oh okay yeah that would be it that's it and but she had three full vials like i didn't realize until at the end where she goes could you just double check the name i've written on on the vials i'm like what the fuck is it i thought you would just take i mean obviously i just don't know how it works yeah but there's three big fucking vials full of my blood and i was sitting there going should i be yeah the same as you should i be sitting down or whatever yeah just do whatever you want do i get a little biscuit or something is this uh is this your doc is this your dot you you sat on the remote is this like your doctor's just gone like we're doing a routine just check for fucking every like you know eight things all at once yeah let's just get you fucking pumped out i guess so i don't know i don't know how any of this works and and and i yeah as evidenced

by the fact that the the last address they have was so long ago that i don't believe it's an address i ever lived in yeah yeah if that is the right address that's so long ago i don't even remember that yeah um but anyway i guess i'll find out soon um uh if i if they find it i have alzheimer's and that's why I don't remember where I used to live. You have cat AIDS. Yeah. It's infected your brain.

Thanks. Jesus Christ. Thanks, Sam Dodgson. Dodgson. Dodgy. We really dodged that name. He really dodged a bullet that we didn't go harder on his name. Dodgy. Thanks, Dod on his name. Dodgy.

Thanks, Dodgy. Thanks, Dodgy. Thanks for your dodgy dollars. Yeah. Yeah, that you got from sucking off people. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Sure. Yeah. Thank you very much. Let's just do one more because we're doing next week's one straight after this. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. Here we go.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber No Name Comedy. Oh. Yeah. So another, could be another world leader. Yeah.

Well, another, another, you know, well, you think of all the famous people called comedy that don't want the rest of their name read out. Yeah, okay. That's why they're happy to give us a bit of a clue.

They're happy to be affiliated with comedy, but... Well, a lot of people, you know, comedy is such a common name that just by giving that bit away, well, it could be any one of one billion people. Right, so this is like doing like No Name Smith. Yeah, like No Name Nath. Like, Nath, oh, well, there's a million people called Nath. Yeah. This is No Name Comedy. So, you know, could be Comedy Jones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could be Comedy Dodgson. Could be Comedy Kincaid. Could be Comedy, could even be, dare I say, Mr. Comedy. Yeah. Could even be that. Could be. Could be that.

Could be that. Well, thanks. Thanks, No Name Comedy. Thanks, whichever one of the comedy family you are. Yeah. comedy yeah it would even be that could be could be that could be that um well thanks uh thanks no name comedy thanks whichever one of the comedy family you are yeah trying to keep a low profile could be after mr comedy after being read out on this show 72 times yes this could be the first time he's gone that'll do that'll do yeah i've had enough yeah um head on to patreon if you're not already subscribed get Get those bonus episodes. I'll see you this Sunday in the McDonald's Clifton Hill car park at 11am. Thanks very much for listening.

And we'll see you next time. See you, mates.