The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 669 - Peter Helliar & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

This week we're joined by PETER HELLIAR and GREG LARSEN! Greg's been in Ireland, Pete's been in Italy, and Tommy's been in Vietnam. We learn about Pete's heritage, Greg fills us in on Ireland's currency, and Tommy's been to a tailor in Hoi An to get a lemon-coloured suit made up for Nick Capper's upcoming wedding. Plus, along the way, we invent about ten different quiz shows. Fun! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Greg Larson and Peter Hellyer. If you want to come and see The Little Dumb Dumb Club live in Perth, you can come check us out November the 4th, Carl. That's correct. 4 o'clock in the afternoon, Perth. Get in. Some great guests. It's a little while away. But hey, if you're interstate, time to plan your little holiday over there. Yeah, get around it. I'm going to be doing my solo show the night before, the 3rd of November at the Oasis Comedy Club. If you're coming from Melbourne, get your airline tickets now because it's sort of like Melbourne Cup weekend.

So your return to Melbourne will be $10,000. Yeah, or you could just stay in Perth for two weeks and wait it out. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this new episode with guests Greg Larson and Peter Hellyer. Hey, mate. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow.

And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Charler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Greg Larson and Peter Hilliard. Thank you. Yes. Welcome home, Tommy. I don't know if you guys know.

He's just come back from Vietnam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for your service. I'm wearing the hat. Welcome home. Yep. You screamed when the Channel 7 I'm wearing the hat. Welcome home. Yep. You screamed when the Channel 7 chopper went over here just before. It just reminds me.

Yeah, too many bad memories. Well, Pete, I was texting you the other day from beautiful Vietnam to organise you to this and to try and get you over the line. I said, I'm in Vietnam and I'll bring you back a little gift. I have not forgotten. Yeah. Well, then we were going back and forth a bit and by the time we finally locked it in, I was actually at the airport.

Oh, great. But I'm a man of my word. Oh, wow. So what I've got you here is, where is it? A beautiful ceremonial- Oh, duty-free heroin. That's cool. Amazing.

Where is it in here? A beautiful duty-free Twix bar. Oh, lovely. You can taste the lack of duty on that as well. Yeah, yeah. And a bar. Oh, lovely. You can taste the lack of duty on that as well. Yeah, yeah. And a comb. Oh, lovely. Those are both for you from the beautiful country of Vietnam.

I can't help but notice that that bag is still full, Tommy. So you've saved some stuff for yourself in there. Yeah, that was some other stuff that wouldn't fit in carry-on. Come on, Carl, the theatre of the mind. Don't stitch me up here. Thank you. I'll share that Twix bar with you, Greg. We're going to enjoy the Twix bar.

Thank you. Yeah, that sounds grand. Sorry. I've been in Ireland for a bit. I think I picked up an accent. Oh, sorry. You did ask me to... Sorry, it's weird.

Yeah, you did ask me to introduce you as Geggie O'Larson. Yeah, you've been in... Well, yeah, you've been travelling as well, Pete. We've all been online. World travellers. This is a travel show. Travel guides. Travel mates.

What were you doing in Ireland? I was filming a TV show with... Oh, The Tourist, of course. The Tourist, yeah. Tourist Season 2 with Jamie Dornan. And it was really, the hardest part was when Jamie and I were on set was like, people would be like,

which one's which? Like, I don't understand. Like, it's like, because when you have two hunks side by side, it confuses the eyes. So this guy's a good looking fit guy or something? He's Fifty Shades of Grey. Wait, do you not know who Jamie Dornan is?

Jamie who? Jamie Dornan. He's literally in Fifty Shades of Grey. He's like you not know who Jamie Dornan is? Jamie who? Jamie Dornan. He's literally in Fifty Shades of Grey. He's like, you know, which was, you know. He's the grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. When I texted you asking you to do this, Greg, you were still in Ireland and you were going, you were texting me a long thing about how you and Jamie Dornan

are best friends. Yeah. And I kind of thought you had misspelled Jamie Durie. And I was like, I don't really get the bit here. No, I had. I had. Yeah, I had misspelled Jamie Durie, and I was like, I don't really get the bit here. No, I had. I had. Yeah, I had misspelled Jamie Durie. Jamie Durie was over there.

We became best mates. Greg was over filming a new season of Renovation Rescue in Ireland. In Ireland. We're going to fix up these fucking castles. Put a patio on it. These castles need a veranda Are you best mates? Oh yeah

Absolutely Yeah He wouldn't give me his phone number But we're still We're good mates We bonded over Email? Did you get an email?

No A mutual follow A return follow Return follow on Instagram There you go Instagram Instagram yeah So yeah It's a big So you're not going into the others folder That's great Yeah You'll follow a return follow on Instagram. There you go. There you go. On what? Instagram, yeah. So, yeah, it's a big...

So you're not going into the others folder. That's great. Yeah, I'm straight into... I'm being left on read. You know, like I'm not being not seen. But the commenters can only dream of that. Yeah, exactly. Have you sent him a message yet?

A message? Yeah, actually, yes, I have. About rugby. I was in London. About rugby. Okay. I was in London. I was trying to find a pub to watch rugby in. Okay. You're asking him if he knows any good pubs.

He's a big rugby fan. Okay. He's a huge rugby fan. So how much consideration, let's see how close you guys are, how much consideration do you give whenever you message? Like if I was to message certain friends, it'd be like, you know, message whenever, barely a thought in my head, I might just message them. But how much consideration message whenever barely a thought in my head I might just message them

but how much consideration do you put into your message and the grammar well I've sent him two messages two messages okay yeah and I would say

one percent consideration okay I literally like no because I because the rugby message was literally like I actually wanted to watch

a rugby game and he's the only person I know in London who likes rugby. Right. So I was just like, who do I text? This guy.

Did he get your tickets? No, no, I just wanted to find a pub that was showing, this is not even an interesting story. No,

no, but we'll make it. The Southern Hemisphere rugby game. We'll be the judge of that. we know. It was Southern Hemisphere rugby. I wanted to find a pub

that would be showing it. Yeah. But at the back of that. We know. It was Southern Hemisphere rugby. I wanted to find a pub that would be showing it. But at the back of your brain, you were thinking he might actually get you tickets and you can get down to the rooms and meet the players. I think that's what was going on too. It would be difficult to get to Argentina from London. It would just be hard. Just the time frames and stuff.

The game was starting in like an hour. It's just, I don't know. He might know a wormhole. He's a big star. They have wormholes. They do. That's actually a true thing. Celebrities have wormholes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he receptive enough to that message that you now thought, well, I could like kind of ratchet it up from here and I could ask for something a little more substantial next time. Like money? Yeah. Yeah, all right. I'll text him and say, can I have some money?

Yeah. Hey, this is a weird question, but can I have some money? Like not even like, can I borrow some money or I need it for something? Can I have some money? That's good.

We're good mates now. We get on really well. I'm very clearly not well off. You, real well off. What's it matter to you? I know it's only been two weeks since I saw you, but I've fallen on hard times. Can I have some money?

The rugby I went to watch cost me a lot of money. Yeah, that pump fleeced me. It's your fault. I worried it up on Argentina. So that's one message. What was it second message second message was do you want to come for a beer you up

what are you going for a beer no not that no so yeah was he busy filming no he said I don't like you

stop asking me for money I don't want to fucking have a beer when you come you've overstepped even just by asking me if I know a pub he said that he said mate you've overstepped

watch yourself asking asking for a pub. He said that. He said, mate, you've overstepped. Watch yourself. Asking for a pub with the rugby on is a bit personal. I don't think we're that far in our relationship to be asking me stuff like that.

Pete, you've also been globetrotting. I have. Watched the Ashes. Watched the Ashes in London, funnily enough. And did some shows

with Tom Gleeson at the Soho Theatre and throughout Europe as well where'd you go? we went to Rome in Italy heard of it yep

Sardinia Barcelona and London and Paris and Abu Dhabi for a couple of nights Abu Dhabi bloody hot yeah

seriously genuinely hot in the desert there's no I've hot. In the desert? I've always believed that the desert is hot. Yeah, very rarely do you see somebody wear a parka in the desert. Yeah, exactly. You're on the steps of parliament every Saturday holding a big sign

saying the desert's hot. Yeah. I was talking to my daughter this morning actually about travelling so my wife wants to go to Italy next year so I was like trying to explain things to my daughter this morning actually about traveling. So my wife wants to go to Italy next year. So I was like trying to explain things to my child. The thing is with travel with her, because she's four, she only knows overseas when it comes up at school or whatever,

it always comes home like she thinks everywhere is Thailand. It's not here. She's like you. Yes. In fact, they're teaching her that's not true and I'm trying to pull her out of school. I'm going to homeschool her from now on. I think that's like you. Yes. In fact, they're teaching her that's not true and I'm trying to pull her out of school. I'm going to homeschool her from now on. I think that's not cool.

People love to go, oh yeah, my kid did this at school, check it out. I'd love to see just any adult put into that school scenario for a day and the shit they'd come out with. You know what I mean? Just like the knowledge leaves your brain as soon as you're 18 and out the door. So there's kids going on holidays and stuff

and my child's going around telling everyone, yeah, they've gone to Thailand. It's like, no, they haven't gone to Thailand. Like she's just, and she's telling me, she's coming home and telling me, oh, blah, blah, I was going to Thailand. I'm like, everyone's going to Thailand. And then the message is coming back from school. No, they've just left the school. And like, so that's like, instead of like a dog going to the farm when it dies, it's

like, you've left school. No, they've gone to Thailand. They've gone to Thailand. Oh, I love that. I love that. Everyone's gone to Thailand they've gone to Thailand oh I love that I love that our cat's gone our cat was 18 years old

and he's gone to Thailand we flushed the goldfish down the toilet and it went to Thailand

so I'm having the conversation this morning and about holidays about doing stuff and about how mummy wants to

go to Italy and she's like oh okay and about how mummy wants to go to Italy. And she's like, oh, okay. And I said, have you ever heard of Italy? And she's like, no. And I go, okay, well, you know how we go to Thailand. Oh, yes. Well, it's sort of like, imagine being on the plane for that long, but then having to go as long again, maybe more.

That's how long it's going to take to go to Italy. Isn't that like too long? I'm sort of trying to gaslight her into going, that's too long, I going to take to go to Italy. Isn't that like too long? I'm sort of trying to gaslight her into going that's too long. I should only go to Thailand. Very unreliable narrator here. Pass this on to mummy. It's too long to go to. And she's like, oh, okay.

And I try to explain to her. I go, have you ever heard of Italy? And she's like, no. I said, it's like, I go into this big discussion of like ancient culture and like how it's famous for pizza and pasta and it's got the best pizza and pasta. You know pizza and you know pasta. Come on into Italy.

We've got pizza, we've got pasta. We've got ribs on Wednesdays. I was about to say, I'd love to know what your dissection of ancient Roman history is. And the next sentence, ah, and there's pizza and pasta. That was sort of it

I'm like trying because I'm trying to think of it on a four year old level which is not that far off mine but I'm like what would she relate to oh you know pizza and pasta

they've got the best one they're famous for they've got all like these cool old buildings there's all this and she's just like tuned it halfway through and I wrote it down

she literally after all of that she literally goes she goes and I said so what would you like you know wouldn't that be cool

to go to Italy? And she goes, yeah, I'm going to build a poo robot and smack you in the head with it. I'm like, okay, well. Yeah, okay. That's something the Romans would have been into, I guess. That's what she's got. It's troubling.

I think some people think they regret that they haven't spent enough time with their child growing up or a child will think that. I think I've spent too much time with my child, if that's her thought, off the back of selling Italy to someone. A poo robot. A poo robot.

Because she's 19 now, yeah? I'm still bringing her to kinder. So she's not familiar with Italy and Rome, but she's getting her head around robotics. Yes. She's getting her head about being able to build and... Poo robots. Is robotics about a poo robot.

I think it's more to do with poo than his robotics. I want to see a remake, a shot for shot remake of Oppenheimer where he just makes a poo robot. And he's just staring through the glass with the goggles and the poo robot just waves. And they're like, oh my God, I've become death, destroyer of worlds. Well, my issue is more, you're going to build a poo robot

and then smack me in the head with it. Well, if it's a poo robot, shouldn't it be doing something itself? You need to pick up a poo robot and then hit me in the head with it. It's not a robot if you've got to pick it up. Yeah, exactly. It's just a stationary object.

Don't use a robot as a weapon. If it's full of robotics, you should be able to shoot poo at me or whatever the weapon it has. This is great. I'm actually-ing your daughter out of the poo. Okay, sorry.

I think she's put zero thought into this. That's the impression I'm getting. Yeah, exactly. Because presumably all these parts for the poo robot, she doesn't have her own income. You're having to fund this. So you're watching this be built,

you're contributing the money and then it smacks your head. When you say the parts for the poo robot, you mean the poo. The poo. Which is starting off as pizza and pasta that they have in Italy. See, you do get it. Exactly, because this has never been brought up when we're talking about living in Australia

or even Thailand. So she thinks the Italians have the technology. Italy is like a great baby's first country because it's like yeah it's the home of pizza and pasta which is like some of the first foods that you get obsessed with when you're a little kid it's like it should be the first place imagine when you were three someone going do you want to go to where they make this you'd be like hell yeah do you want to go to head office of Pizza Hut? Yeah. This is the only food I like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a chicken nugget country?

Yes. Where's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's called Scotland. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you eating over in Ireland, Greg?

Ireland, I got to tell you, food, not so great. Yeah. Okay. Not so great. I'm eating like... I can't think of... What's the national food of Ireland? Potato. Yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah, right. Just so great. I'm eating like... I can't think of... What's the national food of Ireland?

Potato. Yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah, right. Just potato. Like potatoes, all right. I'm on board, yeah. They had chips.

They had chips. They have a brand of crisps, as we would say in the Isles. Oh, yeah. Is there a country that just doesn't have chips? Wouldn't that be a little... Yeah. Let's have some chips. I'm sorry.

I want to... Yeah. Get the fuck out. You could become a millionaire by bringing chips to that country. Absolutely. You're the inventor of chips in that country.

But they have a brand of chips called Tato. That is funny, a boat rocking up to the docks and it's like they've got hot chips on the boat. Deep fryer. Yeah.

Yeah, they've got a brand of chips called Tato and it's the most Irish. It's a Tato. And then the mascot for Tato is just a smiling potato man. It kind of looks like the Gobbledock, but without any of the features, if that makes sense.

Oh, like a shaved Gobbledock. Yeah, it's like a shaved Gobbledock. And yeah, they've got potato chips. They do really drink Guinness it's not like a Foster's situation they love Guinness

I drank Guinness a lot but while we'll say this about Ireland the gigs themselves were alright but there were tons of

American like I've never seen more American tourists than in Dublin have you been to America yes I've been to America and there's more more in Have you been to America? Yes, I've been to America. And there's more in Dublin than there is in America.

I would say yes. I would say there's slightly more Americans in Dublin than there are in the United States of America. And every single one of them is walking around loudly. They're like, oh, yeah. I'm actually one quarter Irish. Is this Paddy's Pub? Oh, my grandfather was called Paddy.

Maybe he owned this place. Right. And they're acting as if they've got this massive culture shock. Like, oh, yeah, I think we'll have one of these so-called pints of Guinness that you have. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I'm actually one-sixteenth Irish. It is pretty freaky when you have a different measurement of beer.

Yeah. Being an American tourist is almost like being a tourist from anywhere else in the world in the 1990s where there just wasn't the internet and freedom of information. You go anywhere now and you've got the conversion rate and you know so many things about the country. Well, you're from Australia. go anywhere now and you've, like, got the conversion rate and you, like, know kind of, like, so many things about the country. Well, you're from Australia. You don't think you're the centre of the universe.

You think you've got the little man syndrome of, like, going, oh, we're just, like, whatever. America is literally, like, we're everywhere. Yeah, just detached. And wasn't there a travel warning? The American embassy just, like, last week put out a travel warning for Americans in Dublin saying just take care. Like, it's because there's somebody who was, an American tourist was beaten up,

probably because of the reasons you're painting. But it's weird that the American embassy has come out in Dublin and put a travel warning considering the country they come from where you will literally be shot every fucking third day. Yeah, no, totally. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, that's wild. They're not used to it. They're like saying,

just remember, you are unarmed. You can't just shoot your way out of trouble. And I just definitely felt like in every pub I was in, especially around the centre of Dublin, you go into a pub and you can just see the bartenders just like straining as they listen to the Americans

talk about how they're from boston or wherever and talk about how their grandfather came from island they're like i don't give a fuck nobody gives a fuck like everyone's from ireland like everyone's from ireland at some point you know my wife's uncle went to ireland and did the thing where they – he just rocked up to the house of his great uncle and said, hey, I'm Brian Murphy. I'm your second or third cousin, whatever it might be. And he just literally went, okay, you can fuck off now. And slammed the door in his face.

My friend who I was in Vietnam with was just telling me while we were there that she, when she was like 19 or so, she went to London and she studied there. And in one class, it was like a history class, and they were talking about the lecturer. There was like maybe two Australians in the class. And the lecturer was like, yeah, and then this part of history, like, boy, the Australians did some really bad stuff to the Indigenous people there. And she's like, no, that was you.

Like, you turned up and did it. There's no such thing as Australians. They weren't Australians. That's you. And she's just, like, looking at the, like, other Australian dude in the class being like, are we going to do anything here? This is an outrage. Fucking all of these people.

I was 18. I hitchhiked down from Dublin down through Wexford and Waterford and up to Galway I think it was. And the guy I remember was a guy called Jimmy Flanagan. And because I was 18 all I wanted to talk about was U2 and Irish politics. And all he wanted to talk about was neighbours and home and away. It was beautiful. Yeah.

Well, Tommy Dassler, you're fresh off the boat. Vietnam, how was it? Straight back. Three weeks? Two weeks. Yeah, two weeks. So this is something that happened right before I left that really put me in the mood of like, God, I need a holiday.

It was basically the day before I left, I was up on Brunswick Street doing some stuff. And I walked past. I get it. I get it. You're doing some stuff. Yeah, doing some stuff. Doing some stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Right between the lines. Being a bit vague. I walked past one of the 18 vape shops that's on Brunswick Street. And I saw these two kids in there just like wailing on the old lady that runs the vape shop just bashing her just like really fucking going for it this like guy hitting i mean i know it's annoying but like that's a bit far hitting her and then the girl gets involved this like little girl that's with him

they both they both would have been like yeah 13 15 or something like that and the girl is like just gouging this woman's eyes it's fucking full on yeah they've like okay yeah they've like smashed all this stuff in the store so i jump in i'm like trying to grab the girl and like get her off this lady, like, you know, break the whole thing up. Yep. They. Trying to grab the 13 year old girl off. Took a while.

Get, yeah, got, got them separated. A crowd has kind of formed out the front of the shop by this point. They, they kind of leave me and this, me and some other people kind of help clean up the shop, call the cops. Cops come down. There's cops interviewing me about the whole thing. And I'm like kind of just, you know, going through beat by beat. And I'm like, and the cops kind of, he's like a pretty young guy.

And he's, you know, this is rare for a cop. He seems like he's got a bit of a sense of humor to him. So I'm like describing what I saw. And I'm like, yeah, this guy, you know, know he's pretty tall he was in there and he was it was sort of kicking off and i was sort of keeping a bit of distance because you never know with these things if you're gonna like get involved and like escalate it anymore or anything like that and then once the little girl got involved and was gouging her and i turned to the cop and i'm like not to sound like too much of a hero but i thought i can take this little girl so i got in there and you know sort of tried to calm

the situation down and he laughs and then we watch the security footage back like we're in the store now and it's unbelievable like it's literally it's like me standing in the doorway while this is happening and then you see the little girl come in and i just fucking race in there like grease lightning just like just embarrassing how quickly i get into the mix once i'm like okay someone half my height time to be a fucking hero now and just like me like going from like me sort of thinking I was saying it to the cop like a bit jokingly to like actually

seeing the black and white evidence was just like the police looking at me like you're a fucking loser dude they look back

at the footage nothing no crimes been committed yet you're just chasing down and beating up this 13 year old girl you're just beating

the shit out of this little girl yeah so that was like day before I left. Wow. Yeah, really put me in good spirits to go and relax for two weeks. What started the commotion? I don't know.

I think it was like him trying to buy cigarettes and her going, you're underage. Right. And then him just like knocking some shit over. Smashed like a, yeah, smashed like a big shisha pipe thing or whatever. It's funny the cops going into those stores and being like, oh yeah, you're the victim here. This is an awful thing that's happened to you. But you're looking around and they sell little baggies.

Those shops are so drug dealer adjacent. You know what I mean? The cops just looking around and being like, well, okay, I guess we got to, we sort of got to let this fly. We can't do too much about it. But yeah, head over to Vietnam the next day. The beautiful country. Off to a good start at the airport. The lady here checking all our passports and going going through all them and saying my girlfriend's from

wa and she goes the lady at the checking counter goes oh you're from wa and my girlfriend's like oh no just me why are you from perth and she goes no i just used to work at bunnings and then i think i spent the rest of the trip just trying to work out what the fuck that could mean. No, I used... Oh, yeah. I'm mad that you told me. Yeah. Because now...

Because we'll never know. Yeah. Like, we'll never know what that means. Did Bunnings start in WA? That could be the only thing. Did Bunnings start in WA? I don't know. Is there only one Bunnings in WA?

Maybe there's just a one Bunnings. Is there any way to find out? Yeah. I guess like a lot of people from WA love going to Bunnings. I mean, that tracks. I feel like... To be fair, if anyone said to me, pick a shop to represent WA,

maybe I would say Bunnings. Yeah. Like a branded shop. Yeah. Do you think? Maybe. But it's, I mean. I was going to say surf, dive and ski.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Barley, that's a shop that I'd choose to represent WA. What? Okay. So this is a fun one. What shops represent?

What chains represent each thing? Well, I was going to to say I would say McDonald's Maybe New South Wales Maybe Sydney You reckon McDonald's Sydney Maybe New South Wales

I reckon I would have gone Cotton On Cotton On Cotton On's not bad Although it's kind of Geelong synonymous isn't it Queensland is 100% BCF Oh yeah

Yeah Yeah We can all agree on that So we are playing state of origin shops. Yeah. Well, not so much where they originated from, but who they represent. Who they represent.

So Bunnings is taking on BCF. That's WA Queensland. In the same way that Australians are like, I'm Crowded House, you know. Okay. Playing them for ourselves. You will never guess this. When was Bunnings founded?

Like, when did it first open? 1981. 1981. Incorrect. Right. Higher or lower? Lower. Oh.

1975. Lower. Oh. Wow. 67. Lower. What? Wow 67 Lower What? Wow

Lower 1952 Lower What? You won't guess it You won't guess it 1896 Sorry?

1896 Lower No, that's not true It is true That's not true And lower by exactly 10 years It's 1886 What? true. It's not true. And lower by exactly 10 years, it's 1886. What?

In Perth, Western Australia. Oh, my God. My brothers Arthur and Robert Bunning, who had emigrated from England, initially a limited company focused on sawmilling. It became a public company in 1952 and subsequently expanded into a retail company. I can't believe Bunnings could have supplied weapons to the war. Yeah, to the Boer War. Yeah.

Fucking hell. That is funny, though. You think about what they sell and what people go in there for. It's like construction. It's like one of the most timeless things, and we're like, ah, 1989. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they invent the screwdriver like in the 80s?

Fuck. All right, well, maybe that's where that, yeah, maybe that's why she was asking. So, you know, when they were selling war bonds, like they could have been selling sausages out the front for the war back then. Yeah, totally. Oh, yeah. The bull war.

Yeah. Got to get on to Xavier, get him to make an 1886 Bunnings ad. Oh, yeah. Old timey. Instead of his voice, it's like the screen with the text on it. Bunnings is 18th century. Yeah, 19th century. 19th century.

Yeah. Yeah, fuck, that's crazy. 1886. That's incredible. Before Federation. So this woman at Jetstar or wherever the checking was, she's a historian. That's where that's come from.

I guess they didn't. I need to go back to the airport and be like, I've got to be honest, I've's a historian. That's where that's come from. I guess they didn't. I need to go back to the airport and be like, I've got to be honest. I've been really racking my brain over that one for two weeks. And then you do a podcast and all of a sudden you have all the answers. It's just that easy. We all went through London when I arrived in London. Because I had to get some visas and stamps for the shows we were doing because we were working in London.

And he says, oh, what do you do? I said, I'm a comedian. Oh, you say that, do you? Well, I don't usually say because I needed to get the stamps. What do you usually say? I might say performer. Okay, yeah. You don't think that raises more questions than comedian?

Oh, possibly, but comedian just sounds... Embarrassing. Embarrassing, yeah. There's basically no showbiz or showbiz at J, even writer. It's like, what kind of writing? There's very few things you can say that are like, I love that even you don't say comedian because it's like us, like we'll say writer or we'll say whatever because like,

you don't want to, but even you, Pete Hellyer's going, yeah, I'm in insurance. Yeah, the idea of like you know yeah Adam Sandler filling out like production yeah yeah

I've got a production company I now have started just saying comedian exclusively oh you're brave no but purely because I feel like I get

like I get done over by saying anything else and then I and then I get all these follow up questions and I'm like oh man I don't know what to do like I'll just say retail and they'll be like retail yeah I get done over by saying anything else. And then I get all these follow-up questions. I'm like, oh man, I don't know what to do. Like, I'll just say retail. And they'll be like, retail?

Yeah, what shop do you work in? And I'm like, oh man, I don't know. And now I just say comedian. The comedy shop. But if you say comedian and you look like you're really depressed and like something bad has happened, they'll be like, oh, okay. Yeah.

Like, imagine like a loved one dying say it yeah right and then there's no follow-up questions right they said he said what do you do and i said i'm a comedian and i kind of said a little bit kind of like not through gritted teeth but like kind of just didn't really want to say that like but i said that like i knew i needed a stamp a stamp and they kind of perked up and they said oh I know where are you from

I said Melbourne I said do you know Aunty Donna and I was like actually sorry first he said he goes oh I want to go to Melbourne I listen to a lot of podcasts

and I actually said oh Dum Dum Club and he said what and I said I listen to Aunty Donna and do you know Aunnie donner i said oh yeah i know yeah burton and zach and mark the boys yeah no good mates um i'll call them he had

tickets for their show so they're the new carl baron yeah yeah but i did say you should listen also to the plug on the way through way through shout out to whoever actually someone messaged me this morning to go I've just I've just listened to episode one does it get any better

so fucking the very first episode yeah yeah if you're listening to this in 10 years time

yes yeah I hope things worked out for you hope you're not still at the airport How many shows are there where episode one is the absolute peak? Never gets better from there

Well I met a couple on a cruise we were on in Vietnam Maltese and Swedish And was telling them about the pod And about Kappa in particular Going to London Going to London the worst way possible wearing a tux And they were like Yeah we're going to london going to london the worst way possible wearing a tux and they were like yeah we're gonna we're gonna start listening to this this sounds cool because the the girl was like oh yeah i'm from malta like you probably don't really know

anything about malta or any maltese people i'm like they're a pretty big you know a decent maltese population in melbourne like this you know yeah exactly yeah one of our best treats is named after you i wish I'd thought of this one I was just too deep in holiday mode I didn't even have that one cross the radar You went to the husband Where are you from? Jaffa?

Oh no, actually no I did get into a long discussion about him With the Swedish meatballs At Ikea God, I was being a bad tourist There we go Really bringing down the reputation of the Aussies But I was like Oh, there's a Maltese Australian comedian

who's very famous, who's up for the Gold Logie this weekend, Sean McAuliffe. She was like, oh, what? People at home will be so thrilled to hear about this. Like, I think I've introduced Sean McAuliffe to the people of Malta just by this one person. She really was making it sound like she's going to go back and she's like, nah, no one over there has ever heard of him.

I'm like, that seems insane to me. Like, that seems... I just found out this moment that Sean McAuliffe is Maltese. Yeah. Yes, this is the moment I found out. Yeah. He did do a Who Do You Think You Are, didn't he? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I hadn't seen it. Imagine if I've got that wrong. Is that when he found out as well? Imagine if I've gotten that wrong. He's just not. I've said it to them. I've said it on here

I want to say who do you think you are where it's just like you sit in a room and they're like who do you think you are who the fuck do you think you are

and they just say that over and over again until they break down and then it fades to black and the credits roll yeah yeah that's a comedy conversion episode

where it's like who the fuck do you think you are you're not funny stop doing this that's perfect because it's in the realm that i love of like the prank reality show where you go in thinking it's one thing yeah oh this is great they're going to track my family's dna and i'm going to go back to the motherland and then it's just like a barrage of people going

who do you think you are you come in here who the fuck do you think you are to come in here, who the fuck do you think you are to come in here and look at me? We're trying to make a TV show and you think you can come in here? You think we're going to waste our resources finding out where your grandma's from? Fuck you. You were on that recently, Pete. I did it in the last year. Where are you? I am.

Who are you? Who do I think I am? Who did you think you were? And follow-up question, who actually are you who do I think I am who did you think you were and follow up question who actually are you I think I'm the kind of guy who can walk into somebody's house

and make them make me a black tea that's who I think I am is this like a game show did you pick who you think you were did you win it no I

so I knew I guessed I didn't know a lot about my heritage at all but I guessed I was a bit of Irish in there so I was I didn't know a lot about my heritage at all but I guessed there was a bit of Irish in there so I was

I'm 94% Irish 5% Scottish and the lucky the supplementary 1% you want to have a little guessing game oh yes

oh this is good I'm surprised it's surprising you would okay Turkish not Turkish Maltese I've got a friend

who'd love to hear about this no despite my ripping Maltese G I've got a friend who'd love to hear about this. No, no. Despite my ripping Maltese. Guyanese. What? Yes. What?

1% Ghana. Yes, Greg Larson for the win. From the perimeter. Greg Larson, you are the winner of Who Do You Think Pete Is? Thank you so much. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Now, Who Do You Think Pete is is a show that would be,

episode one would be the best episode. Yeah, yeah. Because every episode after that, it's a bit of a washout. It's not going to get better than this. I can't believe that. There's no more percent to guess. People cannot see, obviously, but Greg Larson, I can tell you, is genuinely chuffed.

Yeah, it is really cool. I've got chills. That was unbelievable. This is the first thing you've probably ever won yeah I know and never will again well and you're

sort of in the soup now because you were like you sort of said it as if like imagine that but it's like that's Pete Heritage

mate yeah sorry I've always had a connection with the gun I am I can see now that you say

it I can see once you hear it you can see it homecoming tour you got it if I'm ever on a cruise and I meet someone from Ghana, I'm going to be like, there's actually a really funny person.

Ghanaese, Australian comedian. Yeah, Wampus and Ghanaian. Yeah, great. But it was funny because before I went on the show, and I've seen quite a few episodes, but certainly not every, I've seen about half a dozen episodes of it over the years. And my memory of it is always you're going overseas.

You know, like Lisa Wilkins went to India. I think Sean went to Malta. And so I'm like, okay. I had travelled post-pandemic, so I was like, this is exciting. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in Ireland. This is going to be great. And they keep everything so secretive. They really commit to doing that.

So you're getting on the flight not knowing where you're going? Well, flight? There was no flight, Tommy. I remember saying, I think I said to Carrie and Waleed, I said, if you see me on this show and you see me not overseas, just know whatever I just know, whatever I'm doing, whatever spin I'm putting on it, you are looking at a very disappointed

man. Right. Rightio Riley's. Hang on now, spoilers, did you catch a train to Ghana? They didn't take me to Ghana. I'm not sure how that, obviously Big Mad Monday many years ago from somebody in the Hellion family.

But I spent one day in the suburb that I grew up in, Bundura. I spent about four days in Brunswick. And are they getting the Mikey's for all these trips? Yeah, that's true. Every day I'm like, do I need my passport? How should I dress tomorrow? Just how you might dress today. You're already on.

I've got my shots to go to Brunswick. I could go a massive Toblerone right now. The furthest I went was Corra. I never left Victoria. We're a very Victorian family, it turns out. But with that said, in all sincerity, it was actually, it didn't matter in the end because you do find out some pretty amazing stuff. So it was not like, yeah, you got, we joked about it a lot, but it was actually, it was pretty cool.

Do you think they've had people on where they've gone like, you know, big celeb, this is great, you know, we'll have them on. And then they just start digging and they're like, God, this is a boring. No, seriously, they've done that. They've been people who. They've dropped them? Yeah, because they did all this Preliminary research And they do

They've gone back to people And said we just can't find Something Yeah You're 100% Australian Boring Yeah Or there's just

Nothing there And that's what they say to you They say listen You may end up overseas You may not We just follow the best story That's so depressing Your background isn't

Interesting enough Yeah Yeah What would you rather What's depressing the best story. That's so depressing. Your background isn't interesting enough for the show. Yeah. What would you rather? What's depressing is some people got knocked back in favour of

Pete Hellyer going to Corowa. And Bundura. Bundura. But, what would you rather? Would you rather than do some research

in your family and then be told, listen, we didn't find anything or that you go to air and get told that you've got pedophiles in your... Yes. That's happened. That's happened?

Yeah. I think Grant Denyer had a weird one. I think that episode on Rob Harris Jr. I think something got uncovered. But I think Den Daniel had a tricky one we don't speak about him enough we really don't and Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck got told I think he had like slave owners in his history oh wow he tried to get that episode like you know not shown

oh damn well I feel like that's weird like it's like if someone told me you know my great great damn well I feel like that's weird like it's like if someone told me you know my great great

great grandfather was a pedophile slave owner I would I wouldn't be like cool yeah but I'd be like

oh yeah like that I mean I didn't I didn't do it yeah yeah I didn't do it yeah there's a lot of people

that have a lineage of is there someone that's gonna go but where did he live did he live in Sweden do I get to do I get to get on the plane?

Yeah, yeah. If he lived in Sweden, I'd be like, yeah. Or did he have a plantation in Brunswick? Yeah. In that case, I don't want to know about it. Yeah. Well, yeah, part of... While I was in Vietnam, I was in Hoi An,

which I talked about a few weeks ago. Now, were you... Did you conversion? Were you walking around? Can I say... Did you get a... Were you carrying cash? Did you... Were you... Let's say, were you carrying a lot of dong in your pocket?

Carrying a lot of dong. A lot of dong. Yeah, I had. Handling a lot of dong. Yeah, had a couple million dong in the pocket there at one point. Yeah. Having to whip out a few hundred dong every trip. Whip out a lot of dong.

Yeah. A big wedge of dong. How were you guys? You got rid of all of it. So if we were to go through your pants right now, we would find very little dong. Got a little bit of dong in there. Got a little bit of dong in there. A little bit of dong left. A little bit of dong. How are you guys? He got rid of all of it. So if we were to go through your pants right now, we would find very little dong. Got a little bit of dong in there. Got a little bit of dong in there. A little bit of dong left.

A little bit of dong left over. You have to be careful when you're overseas and you're travelling as a tourist. Did you just whip out your dong in front of others or did you privately get the dong out and then... Did you put it in your own fanny pack? Yeah, I would sit in the hotel room and I would just kind of count my dong.

Right. Measure out my dong before I went out there so I just knew mentally how much dong I had. Notes or coin, did you have hard dong or soft dong? Soft dong for most of the trip. That's like in Ireland whenever I'd go to a shop, I'd have to pay with a big cock. Like a vibrating penis cock.

Is that what they call it over there? And squirts cum. Right. To pay for products. How much does one cum squirt or even AUD? For one Australian dollar would be two cock

big squirt cums throbbing cock ass. Right. That's like 400,000 Vietnamese dong big veiny dong

they call it be careful Greg I've been in this industry for a while what you said could be taken out of context that's true yeah

yeah they'll have a field day with this one on who do you think you are if you just cut this bit out, it sounds a bit weird. Yeah, it sounds weird when I'm saying Throbbing Cock, ass, ass, cum. God, I got excited when I just realised you'd gone silent in the middle of the Dom chat. I was like, we're in for a real treat here.

Something's brewing. Where am I going with this? I thought I was, at first I was going to go with like, guys, is it really funny to make fun of currency like that? But then I went with, I think, the better road, which was to just shout cock cock. Yeah, big squirting cock cock. Cock ass.

Yeah. But yeah, lots of dong in the pocket. It's good. It's an insane, like a $10 taxi is like, yeah, $400,000. Are you good?

Say it. $400,000. Big, veiny, thick dong. Yes, thank you. A bit of respect

for the currency of Vietnam, please. Are you guys good with, because I'm so bad with currency conversion, I just reach a point where I'm like blacked out.

If it's not like an easy... Because London, you basically double it. And it's like, it's really convenient, but it's fucking expensive. So it's kind of like a weird mix. It's one of those ones where you don't want to convert it anymore. You just got to write it off. Yeah. This is like, nine Australian

dollars is like 150,000 dong. They've got to move some desk points. Yeah, it's really just like there's the desk, there's the zeros, but then there's also like the actual, you know, like yen is like you slice off three zeros and then it's just basically AUD, more or less. But this is like not quite. Yen is easier because you imagine yen is just cents.

Yeah, exactly. If that makes sense. Cents. Yeah, that's good. Thank you so much. If that makes sense. Did you ever see... Yeah, that's good. Thank you so much. I might head off. From this mortal coil. That's the biggest gear shift since, like, in one episode,

one comedian to go, that joke from Vainey, come, Bill, Dick. Like, that was three minutes ago. Yeah, I know. To now, here's a Christmas cracker joke. Yeah. On many levels. Yeah. You know. To now he's a Christmas cracker joke. Many levels.

Yeah. You are a comedy all-rounder. Yeah, that's why I'm a genius. I'm literally an operating level genius. There's a lot in your comedy toolbox. So, yeah, Hoi An, known for its tailoring. Yeah. And I talked about this a few weeks ago.

We've got Nick Capper's wedding coming up. Yes. In a couple of weeks' time. Yeah. Thought I'd get a suit tailored. ago. We've got Nick Capper's wedding coming up. Yes. In a couple of weeks' time. Yeah. Thought I'd get a suit tailored. Sorry to break it to you. You're not obviously not going. I'm finding this out now. Yeah.

That's fine. That's fine. Sorry about that. Maybe you'll be ringing last minute. Yeah, possibly. Some people drop out. Yeah. Possibly.

That would be great. Happy to see you. Capper saying, yeah, Daslo's sick. Pete, do you want to come to my wedding in two hours? Hey, Carl, I just had a great idea. What? What if for Capa's wedding gift,

we buy him a performance from Pete Hellyer? Oh! You'd like that. He would love that. That would be fantastic. How much dong

do you charge? Yeah. A lot of dong. 600,000 dong, which I think is about $13. Yeah, more or less.

Yeah, yeah. We should, that is a really good bit i would love that as a way to get him a performance from a comedian i would usually wait until peace on here but let's try and get someone cheaper i'll be honest it would be so funny if you performed and then immediately said thanks very much and just walked straight to the food yeah and just started eating. Like you dropped the mic and just immediately eating,

sitting at a table. Oh, we have to do this. I'm really pumped up about it. Let's book a comedian who was on the cusp of being invited who will be legitimately pissed off he wasn't invited. Then he performs there quite bitter.

Yes, yes, yes yes yes yes and just a just a set just their gear no don't mention the wedding yeah no no tailored material yeah

yeah I did that once a friend asked me many years ago I was only pretty new to stand-up but he I've been doing it

for maybe six or so years but he asked me to do a set at his wedding and I said yes because he was a good mate but I said do you want me to tailor stuff set at his wedding and i said yes because he was a good mate but i said do you want me to tailor stuff like he goes no just just do your jokes so it's a bit weird yeah yeah just

kind of it's fine yeah but yeah great to be here i've just been in adelaide great to be anywhere yeah yeah all that stuff yeah um so yeah in hoi an and uh yeah so talking to Kappa heading over there and was like yeah I'm going to get something I'm going to get a suit tailored for your wedding because it's like the week or so

after we get back and I wanted Kappa to have I thought you know I'll let him have some input into what I'm wearing to his wedding and he requested that I wear a

bright lemon yellow suit of course because he wanted to wear that and the bride has forbidden him from wearing that. That is funny. He's wanting to wear it going, because that'll make me stand out. You're not allowed to.

Okay, well, a random guest is now going to stand out at my wedding instead. It's going to look so fucked. So I've got it. I've gone in. Great. Day one in Hoi An, we go into the tailor, and I was with my girlfriend and a friend of ours

And people All I knew was that tailoring in Hoi An It's really good And you get stuff for cheaper than here But I made the mistake of going in And not really Thinking in my head What it was going to cost

I didn't really have a budget in mind Didn't know how much dong you needed Didn't know how much dong you needed. Didn't know how much dong I needed. Didn't really think like, well, what is a good price? Like what do I expect to pay here? What's reasonable? So I go in and I wanted to get the lemon suit. I thought while I'm doing that, I may as well, I'll just get like,

I need just like a plain regular suit as well. And I'll get like a wool coat for coming back into winter. And you go in there and it's the three of us and it's kind of they sort of do like a scientology number on you they just split you all up immediately oh wow splitting us up and i thought you're just going in for like a preliminary like just a bit of a chat they're asking you stuff once you're in the shop it's like you'll meet all of a sudden measurements being taken yeah i'm having to get down to my underpants no one else didn't realize it's not a taylor's All of a sudden measurements being taken. I'm having to get down to my underpants.

Didn't you realize it's not a tailor's? No one else was being made to do that. And the lady, like she's measuring me and she's like squeezing my arms and she's like, ooh. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you know, working out a bit before I got here. And she's like, very sunburned. Nice. working out a bit before I got here and she's like very sunburned nice and so getting the whole thing done getting the like yeah measuring tape like all over and um just having her make this big deal about how like when she measures out the jacket she's like yeah so we'll leave a bit of extra room in the shoulders because um you've just got really bad posture.

You're so hunched. Most people are like this, but you're like this. You're so bent over. We kind of want to make sure that we have heaps of room in the shoulders. I'm like, I don't need the blow-by-blow of every... Yeah, we can make the crotch really small because there's just not much going on down there. Because your dick is small. Because you've got a small little dick.

You are poor. You have little dong. You could not buy anything in Ireland. You would struggle to pay for some chips. I'm like, yeah, let's just stick to the measurements. Thanks. I don't need the running commentary of everything about the body. Because they're just like, yeah, there's like three of them

and they're just roasting you the whole time. It's three of them And they're just Yeah they're just roasting you The whole time It's kind of fun Like you know It's a good vibe in there Yeah yeah Is it? Well yeah

But so We get to We get to the Like get to the end of Yeah All my measurement stuff Being done And so yeah

So two suits So that's Jacket, pants And a shirt for each Hang on Two lemon suits? No, a lemon suit and then just a reg suit. Okay.

And a wool coat. So yeah, jacket, pants, and shirt for both of them, and then a wool coat. Is this guessing game? Are we guessing game? How much dong do you think I'm whipping out? I was going to say two suits, one lemon for your idiot friend,

and then the other suit for like a normal wedding. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. I don't know the dong. I don't know the dong conversion. Okay. Can we just go Australian dollars?

Let's go Australian dollars. Go Australian dollars and then you answer an Australian dollar and then I'll tell you what it was in dong. This reminds me of a great game called When Was Bunnings Founded? Ghana. 1886. That's three guessing games we're having on the one show. I love guessing games.

I love guessing games. What can I tell you? I love to guess. I think we flirted with this idea for a while. Guys, which guessing game do you think I like the most? Which one do you reckon? I think we've come close to this happening so many times. The Little Dumb Dumb Club should just permanently pivot into a quiz show.

But the quiz is just different every week. It's just a different game show every single week. And sometimes it's not as well thought out as others. It's like, guess which one of us had a double whopper last night? I think that's still good. I think that's still good too. I reckon that's great. Guess which one of us most recently had a double whopper?

That's a good one. Yeah. File that away. We've got heaps on this set. We can put that out next week. I've got a guessing game of who had Danny's burgers last night, but we'll see. All right, money.

So full, what was it? Suit, pants. Two full suits. Yep. And like a big, like a thick woolen overcoat thing. Okay. So if you were to get, I'm going to start with, because I know, because I got a suit tailored for a wedding.

Yep. That was like, you know, probably expensive, but not on the high end. Because I had no idea. It was $1,000 in Australia. Yeah. Yeah. They're ones that you can get like off the rack here as well. Yeah. You could get an off the rack suit was $1,000 in Australia. Yeah, yeah. They're ones that you can get off the rack here as well.

Yeah, you could get an off-the-rack suit for $1,000. I got a tailored suit for $1,000, which is a pretty good price for a tailored suit. All right, so that's here. I know, like, I got sucked into the thing 10 years ago of, like, you go to Thailand, you get suits made, and I did that, I reckon, the first three trips until I realised I don't need a suit for anything yeah I've got a heap of suits at home that are just being eaten by moths and now just wear suits be a suit guy I mean a suit guy I you know what the only suit I

have left now is I had a bunch of suits all from Thailand the moths got into them the last time I had to wear a suit a couple of months ago I pulled pulled it out. The only suit I have left is one I bought for $5 at the Project clothing sale that inside the lapel says, Dave Hughes. That's the only suit I have left. I bought for $5. It says, 7 p.m. Project, Dave Hughes. That's funny.

After all those suits in Thailand. You should become a suit guy. You running a comedy club club greeting people at the door full suit we've talked about this before I need the lemon suit oh you do need the lemon suit

yeah I'm already busting for more not to get ahead of myself but God it looks good okay so now my thought is

all those suits I got sucked into that idea getting suits even though I don't need them in the end I didn't think they were that cheap I didn't think

they were that cheap now I know't think they were that cheap. Now, I know they were cheaper than here, but I know that Vietnam is a lot cheaper than Thailand. So I reckon... Well, I will say Hoi An, known for it, known for the quality of the tailoring. And we went to this place because it was highly recommended by a friend who went there and got a lot of stuff done.

So it's going to be a little bit more dong by the sound of it. So this wasn't, yeah, it wasn't like a side of the road operation. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't like spending dong of the road operation. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't like spending dong in a back alley or anything like that. No. This is in the high street. Okay.

Two suits plus big jacket. Plus big woolen coat. I'm going $120. $120. Yes. I'm going $550. $550. I'm going $700.

Gentlemen, I was on the hook for 18 million dong, which translates to 1,000 Australian dollars. Oh, okay. There we go. And that's when you're in a place like Vietnam where a beer is like $2, that's a lot. Yeah, it is. Especially going in with no mental idea

of even what I thought I should spend. I don't even really know what it costs to have a suit tailored here. Well, $1,000. Yeah, well, now I know. So I'm rattled, but I'm just like, oh, okay. And then my friend comes down. So you could have gone for cheaper is what that means.

Yeah. So my friend comes down. She's getting nine garments made. And I'm sitting there being like, should I signal to the others? You don't look like you've got that much done. Should I signal to the others that we're not getting these for 30 cents? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's serious money on the line here.

But they went in with a bit more of a plan than me. I'm thinking like the line here yes but you know they're they went in with a bit more of a plan than me i'm thinking like you know the girls they're across it you know they know what you're getting the tourist tax as well you're getting the the frame fee well so her so they put all hers through and hers were like a lot more like just like a linen dress and stuff so her nine things came to a thousand and she's a bit of like australian,000, and she's a bit of Australian dollars as well, and she's a bit like... No, I didn't think it was $1,000, because that means.0001.

So she's a bit like... It sounds like they're just charging you all $1,000 for whatever you order. Yeah, that's all that, right? It's like a lolly shop. You get $1,000 worth of mixed garments. Everyone in Australia has $1,000. We know that.

We know you come from Australia, you've got $1,000 in your pocket yeah give me an order of minimum suit so so she gets the bill and it's like yeah just over a thousand and she's a bit rattled but it is sort of like me it's like oh okay i didn't know what yeah and she goes to pay and she's like she's like not got the money in her account and they don't have email they don't have uh you know she doesn't have internet so she can't transfer through yep so then i'm paying for hers as well all of a sudden phone starts ringing it's the bank what's going on 32 million dong in two separate transactions hello mom Can you send me some dong?

Sorry, can you put Dad on? Mummy, Tommy needs dong. Tommy needs dong. So I'm just being absolutely bled dry here. And then my girlfriend comes down with her stuff and they put hers through and she just immediately is like, oh, well, in that case, I don't need this, this, this, this. Like she just mixes about five things off her order. Oh, no.

And then they start going, oh, what if we, okay, well, what if we did them for this price? And me and my friend are like, fuck, why didn't we think of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can haggle if you just dig your heels in for five seconds. We could have gotten a shred of money off. Yeah. So, yeah, so then the annoying thing

about getting tailored you got gouged because of you they can probably go on eat and sleep and like pay rent properly well that's it you walk away and then you're like yeah what would we have saved like a hundred bucks and like to them that's yeah so uh then you have to go in like every day for the next next three days to get refitted. It sounds so easy on the street when someone's yelling at you. Just come in the shop and you'll get a suit, but then all of a sudden you've got a 1am appointment to fit a tie.

And it's like, fuck, this is my whole holiday now. Yep, yep. So we go back in. I'd probably walk away from that tie. I'm in Vietnam at 1am getting something tied around my neck. Well, yeah, that first day they go out the back and after we're finalising it, the last thing they go and they get three beers from out the back.

Oh, there we go. And my girlfriend's like... That's the nice little thing. That's like the barbers here where they started introducing the beer and everyone's like, oh, my God. But over there, come in here. We'll give you beers. You're getting pissed and lined up for a suit.

It's like, yeah, fuck you. I'll have five suits. So, yeah, well, they bring out three and my girlfriend's like, oh, no, no, not for me. And they didn't understand. I'm like, oh, she can't drink beer. And then I'm like, I've just spent $2,000. I'll have two beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah what am i knocking this back for yes so then i go

back in and they're like we go back in the next day what's the beer event now again uh they they got a few they've got like a saigon beer a beer called 333 yeah in the shop they had tigers right they love tiger over there okay drinking a lot of of tiger We go back in for the second fitting the next day And you go in, you're trying it on You're giving your feedback and stuff And they start getting photos And they're like, oh yeah, can we get some photos of you in the suit for our social media And I just start thinking I can game the system here

And I just start telling them that I'm famous at home. I start telling them that I'm a famous weatherman. Did you see if I can like... No, that's good because like looking at you, I'm like, yeah, I can buy that. I can buy that. I don't know why I thought... Why? This goes to your like not wanting to write comedian.

I'm like, I don't know. I just thought there'd be more context for like, I talk about the weather on TV than I'm a comedian. I'm a famous weatherman. There's no issue saying I'm a big movie star in Australia or whatever. Weatherman, I'm like, fuck, are you? Yeah, I could be a weatherman. You could have said comedian and they could Google that and then they could believe it.

You could just say you're a comedian, just be real, and they would have access to everything. I don't know why I had the suit on. I just felt like a different man. But I agree, because there's no use going, I'm a podcaster. It's like, well, what the fuck do you need a suit for?

But if you go, I'm a weatherman, it's like, you could be wearing this suit on Channel 9 at 8am. I'm a weather person. I have a different name my stage name is Jane Bunn you can google it I wear a lot of makeup

soft lighting so I'm like yeah I'm trying to pump that up and they're just yeah they're not going for it but again we're having fun we're laughing along get all the photos done again we just keep having to go back it just really it's it's kind of you know it's crazy we wanted to go into the town anyway so give this a bit it's just like you

anchor your day to that it's like well we got to be there at two so we'll go in early get lunch and then all of a sudden you're on holiday with a dentist appointment every day it is yeah it does get a bit it's like beautiful you know we were staying like on the beach, beautiful beach, perfect weather the whole time we're there, and you're a bit like, oh, got to go to our suit appointment. And they're also like. But here's the thing, and I've talked about this multiple times on this show.

For some reason, I never get clothes that fit. And I've been to tailors in Thailand where I've spent five days rotating around these fucking tailors. And then I get home and go, well, these don't fit. It's true because they're like, you're on holiday too you're also indulging a fair bit and they told us like they they're like we keep your measurements on file for like two or three years so you can email us from home if you decide you want extra stuff like we've got it all here do they have any did they have any so when they found found out that you're australian do they then go ah we have football players come in here, or do they have any Australian stories?

No, they didn't. No, none of that. None of that coming up. But they were like, we keep your measurements on file for two years, and then we delete them. And the lady's like, because, you know, people get fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting a suit shipped over like four years after you've been there

and been like, fucking bullshit, it doesn't fit. And so we, yeah, after like the yeah the four yeah just like repeated days of having to go in there and so that my my girlfriend because she's managed to like get out of there with like half of what she was initially gonna get right she's like the white whale so we're going every time we go back in there they're just on her they're just like trying to trying to get her to get more stuff and she and again they split us all up every time we go in and she's like every time i go in they're just like complimenting my skin and they're like telling me how nice and soft my hands are

they're just really you've got great skin if only you bought some things to cover it up she's like man they're just really working over me they just will not let it go but she's like, man, they're just really working over me. They just will not let it go. But she's like really digs her heels in. And so we get to the end, get to the last day. And then because also when our friend had recommended this place, we've looked it up and it's got just glowing reviews. TripAdvisor. Can we say the name? Five stars.

Hoi An Blue Eye Taylor. Oh, Blue Eye. Yeah, glowing, glowing reviews The last bit, right before we leave We get the standover tactics Of you have to write a review for us Oh, right They like make us do like the TripAdvisor review

And the Google review Like while we're there Oh no Yeah, and like post a photo It's like so embarrassing What do they make you? Like what were they doing to you physically? Well, just, I don't know, just kind of like being,

just standing over you and being like, do it now. Demanding more of your dong if you don't do it. Yeah, yeah. And you don't want to go like, fuck off, no. And she's like, and post the photo of yourself. So if you look this place up on Google, the most recent review is me. Oh, great. And a photo of yourself. Oh, no. So if you look this place up on Google, the most recent review is me. Oh, great.

And a photo of me. Great. That I've posted. That really does sound like I've got a gun to my head. Gotta get it out. There might be a couple more there by now, but yeah, I was the most recent for a little bit. What's it called?

Hoian Blue Eye Taylor. All right. That's the sound of four grown men all Googling the same thing at the same time. So then we'd see that they've got a little Instagram account, right? And by now they've put a photo of me up in the lemon suit, but just with no caption. And all the other posts on there are like, look at this beautiful man in his dashing suit. And mine's just like straight up the photo with no you know with no

caption or anything and so when they're making me do the review i'm like hey um how about can you put can you sort of change your caption of me can you make the caption of me something like good on the instagram yeah what about if you write sexy lemon man and she goes all right yeah yeah okay we'll do that so she then has to like text her boss with the photo and go hey can we get this caption on this photo change to sexy lemon man and he writes back yes so she's like look it's going to happen the caption of you is going to be sexy lemon man right so. So then the next 48 hours, constantly refreshing the page. Yeah. Finally, it comes through.

Yeah. New caption. Yeah. Lemon man. Great. Have you found it? I have not found lemon man yet. There is some dodgy outfits going on.

I'll be completely honest. I'm on the Instagram page but I can't was it a Google review Blue Eye Taylor Lalloy here we go Tommy Dasolo yeah there we go

I'll read it out oh god Tommy Dasolo three reviews I'm going to look at your other reviews oh no had two suits

and a wool coat made here Lee and her team did a fantastic job very welcoming and accommodating and worked incredibly efficiently If you want some high quality garments

Tailored that will stand The test of time Then this place comes highly recommended The test of time You haven't walked the other shop yet I'm typing and she's watching me And she's like keep going Keep going The test of time I'm typing and she's like watching me and she's like, keep going, keep going.

The test of time. It's been five minutes and my suit hasn't fallen apart. And on the Instagram page, the Lemon Man, he's called Lemon Man, and there's two comments. One is from Oh Homie, which is three lemons, and then the second one is from Tommy Dasolo in capitals, Hubba Hubba. So, guys, I'll share this post on the Dum Dum Instagram.

If we can get this post to pop off, if we can get some comments saying, oh, my God, is this the famous weatherman from Australia? Oh, yes. If we can really make them see the error of their ways. Right, right. Make them petition it to change it to Sexy Lemon

Man. Sexy Lemon Man. Please change this to Sexy Lemon Man. I love Tommy. I hope he wears

this on his weather report on his next week. Yes, yes. Yes. I'm going to comment, how

much dong will it take to change this to Sexy Lemon Man? To suck this man off. Do you want to hear Tommy's other two reviews that he's made on Google?

Oh, please. I can't even remember what they are. I don't know why you've reviewed either of these places. Right. One is for Happy Valley Shop. Oh, yeah. Gift shop in Collingwood. Five stars a year ago.

Yeah. Great bookshop with an amazing selection of vinyl. Yeah. Friendly and helpful staff. Couldn't recommend it more. Yeah. Records that stand the test of time. Yeah.

And then the other is from seven years ago. Oh great. Kushikatsu Sake Bar and Restaurant in Northcote. Yeah. Five stars. I did like, I feel like a one star review, it makes sense to be angry and go, I'm going to get on Google. A five star review is like, oh, I just got to let them know.

Seven years ago, Kushi Katsu Sake Bar and Restaurant ordered from this place through menu log, mainly because they didn't have a delivery minimum. Arrived very quickly and was hot, fresh and delicious. Highly recommend. That was like, I looked on my account when I posted the Taylor review and I was like, I have no memory of that restaurant whatsoever. I don't think it's still there. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. It's mortifying that someone can just click on your thing and see all your reviews. A real earnest review. I don't think it's still there. Oh, fuck. It's mortifying that someone can just click on your thing and see all your reviews. A real earnest review. I like it. I reckon in seven years' time, I'm going to be like, a tailor in Hoi An. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's right. That suit that disintegrated midway through Katha's wedding as I was wearing it, the sleeves just dropped off. I should have paid more dong because it showed my dong. And then also, yeah, a friend of mine who got like the nine things made, she got like heaps of really nice stuff made and they just weren't posting her on the Instagram. Like she got this like beautiful like kind of pink suit made

and, yeah, we were just obsessed with like why am I on there twice? So then I'm DMing them being like like, put my friend on your fucking page. And then we realised they put her on. Like, I took a photo of her and I sent it to them. And they've like airbrushed her. They like go through everyone. They take everyone's photos and they put a filter on them. And it's like, no one's looking at this for the face.

It's all about the clothes anyway. We don't want any uggers in our shop. So yeah, guys, get on Blue Eye Hoyan Taylor. Find the photo of me and Lemon Man. We'll put it up on the social. We'll share it. Yeah, get on there. And, yeah, really, really pump this up.

Really make those ladies in there be like, wow, we made a huge mistake here. Change the caption to Australian Weatherman, Se sexy lemon man, all of that. We need to get a green screen and we need to film me doing a fake weather report in the lemon suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. And people need to constantly comment about how they love the weather delivered by this man.

Yeah. Great weather. Yeah. Or maybe some angry ones, like it rained, you cunt. You said it wouldn't. I'm going to bash you. You know, just mix it up. You fucked my new suit I bought.

All right, we'd better wrap it up there for another installment of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Greg Larson, Peter Hellyer, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Greg, things you'd like to plug? Oh, yeah. On August 18 and 19,

I'm not 100% sure. Yeah, it's 18 and 19, I'm not 100% sure. Yeah, it's 18 and 19 August. Brisbane, I'm doing the final two shows of Slurps Up, the greatest show I've ever done. It's called Slurps Up and it's stupid at the Brisbane Powerhouse at 18 and 19. Heaps of tickets available.

I saw it in Melbourne and it was very, very funny. Come and see it. I know Pete Hellyer for a fact you're playing our Friends Club in Per, very funny. So go check it out. Come and see it. I loved it. I know Pete Hellyer for a fact. You're playing our Friends Club in Perth very soon. Yes, the Oasis. Comedy Club. Final two stops of the Deconstructed Origami Show, which I've been doing, Perth, I think the 11th and 12th of August,

and then September 2 in Hobart will be the final show. And listen to my podcast You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet we've had some good ones recently Liam I did Chinatown he hadn't seen that we had Froome's on

she did Psycho Aisha Scott from Blydeck she did Cape Fear it's been fun it's all it's about people that haven't seen that series

watching a movie for the first time hadn't seen Damien Callum hadn't seen Pulp Fiction we finally found somebody who hadn't seen Pulp Fiction. We finally found somebody who hadn't seen Pulp Fiction. Oh, wow.

We've been on it. Me and Carl have been on it. Yeah, Greg. What movie haven't you seen, mate? I've seen them all. You've seen them all? That's why I haven't been on it. There's probably a few pornos

I haven't seen. I would flip that around. I reckon the opposite's true. Yeah, I watched a gay porno for the first time That's one I'd never seen Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See ya mates

And they've done it again Oh yes What is Vietnamese for Bernie? Oh great question I wonder if I could look that up. Have a crack. I wonder if I could have any luck. Did you dabble?

Not a word. Not a word? Not a shred. Not? Not a shred. I think my English got worse. I feel like every interaction I was in was just beyond a nightmare. Didn't get thank you?

Didn't learn thank you? No. I mean, they speak a lot of English. I know that's not the best excuse, but yeah, I probably should have boned up. But yeah, very polite over there. Very gracious. I tell you what, I, yeah, fuck, two weeks away from the beautiful microphone. Felt a bit rusty up the top of this app.

Oh, really? Felt like the wheels were spinning in the mud a little bit. Well, it was fun yeah it's good to good to have a little holiday from uh broadcasting yeah and um really good to be really tired this morning and busting through three hours of this slop yeah and uh what happened last night just a tough night with the kid or no just i think i've just had a few days of like late nights for no good reason and then up early because the kid's up early. Yeah.

That's about it. Also, we're running down the clock. I've got 40 minutes, under 40 minutes, I would say. Yeah, under 40 minutes now. 35 minutes of this. And I have booked a haircut just up the road from you. Yep. So when this is done, straight up there.

I was supposed to be having it right now, but I've just delayed it by now. Love that. There we go. And I booked in, I got a regular hairdresser. And then I went there last time I got a haircut, I went up there. And look, and now this is bad on me, but I've got a regular hairdresser. And I'm always like, I want that same hairdresser.

And they go, cool, what's her name? And I'm like, I don't know. I get her every time. Yep. Never bothered learning the name. Yeah, okay. Well, that's first hurdle. Yep.

And then you're just describing physical features. Yeah, well, that's the tough one. It's like, oh. Yeah, okay. I think I know why you might want this particular hairdresser. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, she's, no, no, no, no, no. You know, she's a, you know.

Female. No, I then go, because you can't do that. Then I'm going, oh, you've got it on your record, because I know they have records of everything. Because they're like, well, what does she look like? I'm like, oh, fuck. Maybe South American, I think. Okay. Maybe South American. because they're like saying well what what does she look like i'm like oh fuck i said um south maybe south american i think okay maybe south american and they're like oh okay that you know and i said well look on my record how many fucking people work in this place yeah well there's like a lot there is like a lot right right um so i'm like look on my record look on my

permanent hair haircut record and so they're looking at it. And I don't know why. They're like still confused by it. And they're like, so what does she look like again? And I'm like, oh, I don't know. It's like slightly, slightly darker. Like she's, I think, South American or something like that. And they go, okay, no worries.

That would be this person. I'm like, sure. I have no idea. And then I rock up. and then the lady comes out and she is not a darker complexion. She is a very black English lady. Okay. So off my description, like they've gone South American or you, you must mean black. Oh my God.

So, and how was that person? Fine. But I'm just like... Not the original? Yeah, not the original. And are you trying to go... And so for this one coming up now today, are you trying to go back to the original? Yes.

Yeah, okay. But again, by going, can I get the original? And they're like, well, what's her name? I'm like, I still don't know. I don't know who that is. Did you learn the name of the replacement? No. So you can just whittle down what her name isn't?

No. Oh, my God. Because now you can't call up and be like, not her. Then that sounds like you've got an agenda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very confusing. I'm surprised you're not one for just like a straight up go into a barber. One fucking bloke that works there.

None of this, you know, not a fleet of young girlies working there. Just one old cunt who's been cutting hair since the 50s. You know what I think it is? It's more like the massage thing when you go in somewhere and I just kept getting bad results. So I just kept going to different places. And one time I got a good haircut. One time.

Yeah. I'm sticking with whoever this is. Yeah. I won't bother to learn her name, but I'm sticking with whoever this is for the rest of the time. That is weird. I do feel like they would normally, yeah, they would just go, oh, well, this is your person now.

Every time you book in with us, you have them. Yeah. Like a GP, like a clinic. Yeah. You've got your person. Yeah. That's weird. I was doing that on purpose, and I'd never done this before,

but when you leave and they say, do you want to make another appointment? I'm like, why the fuck would I do that? My hair's cut now. I don't have to think about this ever again. Yeah. And so I started doing that. And this is the one time I didn't do it. And now I've lost my hairdresser.

So then this time I'm going, and I know this is another new person again this time because I went, I really was like, my description again was, so I always have this one girl and I don't know where she's from maybe south america yep so then you gave me someone from england last time who looked very different yep not her yep i want the other one from you've got on your records go back two times go back not that one the other time yeah and they're like is it this name i'm like i don't know yeah and they're just going back like i'm like find the one that's like a few in a row i got them a few in a row get the roster out from this date yeah when i got the haircut yeah and tell me who was working yes and i'll work backwards oh yeah that's show me photos that's everyone who was working that day at that time yeah send me pictures of all the girls in your salon. You know you're just saying to make the follow-up appointment

because your doctor will do that. Heaps of things do that. You know where they should do that? Flights. If they came around, if you're at the end of the holiday, you're coming home, you're like, God damn, I don't want to go home. If they came around in the last hour of your flight back home and went, hey, book in another holiday with us.

That's good. 10% off if you do in another holiday with us. That's good. 10% off if you do it right now. Yeah, that's good. Bring out the little SkyMall cart. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, I reckon they would collect a lot of people just on that. That's pretty good. Because we on this trip were like, we have to do this again soon.

We have to do this like at least once. We were just on Expedia looking up those exact dates in a year's time. Yeah. Oh, you got the right weather? It was all beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking it up. Like, what if we just, same group of us, if we book it in now year's time. Yeah. Oh, you got the right weather? It was all beautiful? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking it up. Like, what if we just, same group of us, if we book it in now,

it'll be, you know, with a year out, it's like going to be, yeah, for two weeks in this resort and the return flights, two grand if we do it now. Right. And just like going, oh, my God. Like, they would get so many people on the plane. Yeah. Just, oh, God, I don't, I just really need to plan this next holiday as soon as possible.

Hey, do it right now. Get a little bit cheaper. Yeah. Do you want to make your next appointment? Yeah. Do you want to book your next flight now? Yeah. All right, I may as well.

I've only recently started doing this when you book flights is I never looked into the fine print, the tiny little bits where you pick which plane you're on. You know, you're always picking what time and whatever. It's like, oh, you know, there's plenty of times where it's like, oh, you can leave at two o'clock or you leave at seven o'clock or whatever. Oh, the type of plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

So all of a sudden you go, oh, yeah, I'll get on the fucking, it's either this little plane or the Dreamliner. Oh, fuck the Dreamliner. I get the big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was telling you this before we started recording. Vietnam Airlines, yeah, the weirdest airline I've ever been on, just ads playing on the screens before we took off

and like out of the main speakers in the planes, the same thing on everyone's screen. So you couldn't access the like in-flight entertainment thing until we'd taken off. And just ads for like paint, just ads for stuff in Vietnam, just Vietnamese brands. I've never seen that stuff in Vietnam. Yeah. Just Vietnamese brands. Great. I've never seen that on a flight.

Yeah. Just advertising products in the country. So this hairdresser, which I'm going to in 25 minutes. Oh, yeah. We don't have time to waste. Yeah, yeah, in 25 minutes. I got to the end of the call and I'm like still doing this fucking game of charade slash guess who. Yep.

And going not that one who again who i don't know the name of the other one i don't know the name of who looks sort of like this but i don't want to get too deep into the description of any of these people because i'm going to sound very bad yep um not any of them but that if if you can if you can find a run of if i've if you can see there on your records there was a run of me using the same person over and over. That's the one. Just find that one. And they go, oh, okay.

Was it this name? And I go, again, I've learned nothing from the whole experience. I didn't remember the name. They go, was it this person? I go, if that's what lines up there, if there's like five in a row, that was the one. And they go, cool. She's been in a car accident, so you can't have that one. I'm like, okay.

I guess I'll just let my hair grow out for a bit yeah yeah i'm like that was it i was like is she getting better or is like okay though or yeah yeah like how serious we talking how long she out for and then it's like okay well in that case i just you just have to give up i'm like okay then just whatever you got yeah whatever you have. Yeah. Whatever you have. Yeah. I don't want to argue about a lady that might be severely missing limbs or I don't know what. Well, guys, if you want to contribute to us being able to afford

the lavish lifestyle of getting haircuts, then you can subscribe at patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Get two bonus mini episodes every week with great guests and you get the whole back catalogue right now if you sign up. Heaps and heaps of content on there. 300 and something episodes for you. If you liked a particular episode in the last bunch of whatever,

usually what we do is we do an episode, the normal episode that's on the free feed, and then we will get those people or that person to stick around. Yep. And so if you like that episode, there's going to be more when we're stick around. Yep. And so if you like that episode, there's going to be more when we're looser. Yep. And whatever else.

Yeah. You get a little PS on each episode, really. So sign up, get all that. But also you go into the draw to potentially get your name read out. Today's a good example. We got Greggie. Greggie will be on the feed later in the week. And a couple of good ones.

Yeah, two really good ones. Yeah, they're fun. Greggy. You get your name read out on here and, of course, we have 20 minutes or so to do that. Let's see if we can fit in the pre-planned 100 names that we usually do. Let's start. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber.

First cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Michael Howard. Michael Howard. Now, here's a true test. Us being off the air for a thank you to michael howard michael howard here's a true test us being off the off the air for a couple of weeks you being on holidays how good are we at talking about people's names after all that time off are we going to be better or worse yeah i didn't really hear any names at all i've got to be honest i think in vietnam you would have heard a lot of names that you didn't know much to do with. You didn't know really what you could do with them. That's true. Yeah, I met, I think I met, yeah, I mentioned meeting a Maltese and Swedish couple.

Yes. Petra and Eric. Okay. So, yeah, it was, yeah. I mean, as I said on the app, I couldn't even think up Malteses. Right. For someone from Malta. So, that kind of shows.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was when you were on holiday, though So that kind of shows how off the grid I am. Now you're back on the clock. Yep. Turned out the out-of-office auto-reply. Yes. Oh, Michael Howard.

This really is a tough one. Hasn't given us a good one to start. Yeah, this is a brutal first day back in the office. Yeah, yeah. It's your cheese sandwich of names right here. Yeah. Which is fine. My dog's coming to try and help us out.

I like cheese sandwiches. Michael Howard. Yeah. Howard Michael. I think I prefer Howard Michael. Flip it around. As a name. Yeah.

First name Howard. Pretty cool. I've tried to go by that once upon a time. You're a fan. As I've mentioned previously. Mickey Howie. Yeah. Do you reckon he calls by that once upon a time, as I've mentioned previously. Mickey Howie. Yeah. Do you reckon he calls himself that?

Mickey Ward. Mickey Ward. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Do you go for your Howard? Can you abbreviate yourself to Ward?

Because Ward is a name. Ward. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how the community would feel about it. You've got a bit of ward vibes to you you could be a ward i could be a ward yeah a ward of someone you know like oh right like robin was a ward to batman yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah a little uh a little useless a useless little hanger on no a

little learner a little learner yeah yeah yeah yeah i I'm always learning. Do you have wards anymore? Wards seem like a thing that's passed us by. I feel like in, we've talked about this before, like in showbiz, in like when we've been to LA, everyone has an assistant. Even like a mid-level stand-up will have an assistant to just book their open mics for them. Man. Because people come out of college and they want to be in the industry and they're like, yeah, I'm happy to just do some shit for free.

Yeah. I guess that's sort of the modern day equivalent of the ward is the assistant. You would love this. My wife has been really on me to get an assistant. You would like that. But that's the thing. If you lived in LA, if you're in Hollywood, you just would.

You would have had one for ages. But doing it here where there's no precedent for it, it would be like, your channel has got an assistant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very funny. Yeah. That would be really funny to get one. But that's the thing.

Where do you even like – I don't know. Where do you even look? I don't know. Like you would just be on like Air Tasker or Gumtree or getting in the Melbourne Comedy Rooms Hub on Facebook. And my limited, you know, my limited experience of that sort of thing is like, you know, running Basement Comedy Club during Comedy Festival

and getting someone to come in and help and do all that stuff so I don't have to do everything. And it's that thing of like if you get – whenever you hire someone like that, it's like if they're any good, they're already doing something else. And if they're happy to do that sort of shit-kicker job, they're generally quite shit at their job. It's like you might have a diamond in the rough who goes on to greatness,

who's like, yeah, really got that like killer instinct. Yeah, exactly. But, yeah, more often than not. Well, especially, yeah, here where there's just not that pathway of, yeah, I worked for this person and I'm hoping to one day do this in the industry. It really would just be you getting basically an open mic-er. Yes. Or, you know, someone that's listening to this show right now.

This is like the LinkedIn right now. Hey, there's a job going. Here's my assistant. Come in. You'll be treated very well. I just don't feel like there's as job going as my assistant come in yeah you'll be treated very well i just don't feel like there's as many people in this country that are like busting to work behind the scenes as there are in like the states it's like you know what i mean people have that as their dream

i couldn't be on camera i'm too scared but i love the industry i love the idea of like helping make things happen i got hit by people who are like 15 who are like i want to be an artist manager yeah i i got hit by a few people before where it's and again it's that thing where people watch movies or whatever or watch comedy and go i love this i want to be involved in some right some way but it's like no you got to remember you know what the best part of this is sitting down and watching it consuming yeah do whatever you fucking do normally and then use this as your escape. Don't make this your job and then hate it. And also be quite shit at it.

Just have this as your... It's like going to Disney World and seeing the guy in the Mickey suit and being like, you must be the happiest person on earth. Yeah. Oh, the guy emptying the bins at SeaWorld. Awesome. I mean, we talked about this long, long ago on the yeah oh the guy emptying the bins at sea world awesome i mean we talked about this long long ago on the show at the time i had a girlfriend for a period who went and worked

at disney world and she was like it was the worst job i ever had i fucking hated it right and you would like she signed up going oh how good's this yeah and then got there and went oh yeah this is just a shit retail job yeah but you're surrounded by some of the dumbest cunts walking the earth so for all those people out there listening that think that have all all their life thought i wish i could be channel's assistant yeah lower your expectations it might be as good as you think it's going to be maybe you could have like live auditions on the show you know that bit in wayne's world too where they're putting on the music festival and they and like chne's world too where they're putting on the music festival and they and like chris farley's like instructing people on like picking up the mic

when it's fallen over they're like auditioning roadies all right we could sort of do something like that yeah yeah look send in your uh audition tapes sure have you berating someone in your life yeah because well what's the stuff you want to be berated yeah okay well but no but it's like what do you want to offload maybe you want to offload? No, you're being berated. Yeah, okay. No, but it's like, what do you want to offload? Maybe you want to offload the berating. You know what I mean? Oh, right. Maybe you're like, I need this out of my life. I need someone to do that dirty work for me.

Right. No, I like that bit. Okay. You want everything else. Yeah. Everything but. All the bits I don't like. Well, thanks, Michael.

Thanks, Michael. Could be you. Could be you. You could be the new assistant. Could be you. Thank you you. You could be the new assistant. Could be you. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Max Vandegaard. Okay. Maybe this could be the bit for this week.

We try and deduce which of these names we think would be most likely to be a good assistant for you. Given that we don't know any of them. No. Their personalities or their CVs or anything. Just on name alone. Yeah. Who would you feel comfortable saying, like, this is my assistant. What was his name?

Max. Max Vandegaard. This is my assistant, Max Vandegaard. That's not bad. No. Although that sounds more, that sounds like they outrank you. Exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. Michael Howard sounds way more subservient. Yeah. At the moment, he's the leader out of these two. Max Vandegaard sounds like he's going to outshine me, and that is not what I need in an assistant. I guess that's a big problem too, though, is that Carl Chandler, that's a real assistant name.

No offense. No, it's got the K. Yeah, true. It's got the hard K. Yeah, yeah. I think that helps a lot. Yeah. I think even Michael Howard, though, I think that name outranks you fuck yeah no i don't think so i think carl channel is

something different michael howard is just fucking you know there's dozens of them yeah there's dozens of them floating around well max we can agree max is yeah that's definitely there's too much star power in that yeah yeah for sure he like you know you're not right down the bottom but max is like the head of the network yes he's the ceo he's well he's not even that he's on screen oh you think okay max vandergaard max vandergaard that's like i don't know he's a fucking um he's a guy with that like handles tigers or something or he's like you know he's George Clooney, final years of ER, starting to break through to movies where they're like,

God, I really hope we don't lose this guy. Maybe this is my assistant for a week and then that becomes my claim to fame. It's like as he's, you know, as he's rebooting Ocean's Eleven, I'm like, do you know that guy used to yell at open micers for me? Oh, sure. That's pretty cool. But then it becomes like the most sought after position. Oh, yes.

Because everyone who's been your assistant goes on to – you're the velvet underground. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the – Not appreciated in his own time. Yeah. But everyone who worked for him went on to be a Hollywood A-lister.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a real accidental star maker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a real accidental star maker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Max Vandergaard goes on to be the – what's your mate's name? Hugh Jackman. Yeah, the new Hugh Jackman. Yep.

My mate. Your mate. My mate. Your dad's mate. My girlfriend found that photo on my Instagram on my phone and shared it to my stories. The photo of? Photo of me at 13 with Hugh Jackman

and just shared it to my stories with no context. So if you saw that, if you happen to just see on my Instagram a few posts you know, a few posts of like food in Vietnam and the beach and then just me as a 13-year-old hanging out with Hugh Jackman, that's why. Yeah. I was hacked. Right.

Get him on. Get him on the show, Tommy. Man, I tried. I tried so fucking hard when we were doing the show in Sydney. Yeah. Fuck, it was, yeah, it's hard work. Not cool. Come on, Wolverine.

It's pretty crazy how even having what you would think is a relatively close link to someone, there are still so many fucking hurdles to go through to get a message through to them. It's almost like he's got way better shit to do than this. Yeah, almost. Almost. Well, one day we'll be able to say, when Max Vandegaard is a superstar, we'll be able to say he used to give us money.

Yes. Maybe Max Vandegaard is a pseudonym of Hugh Jackman. He's like, don't want to be on the show, but I do want to contribute. Maybe. Yeah, that might be his, not his stage name, but his Patreon name. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks, Max slash Hugh.

We know Hugh you really are. We know Hugh. Do you know Hugh? Oh, imagine saying that to him. Do you know Hugh? Do you know Hugh? Everything is Jack. Thank you very much.

Thanks, Max. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Kyle Smith. Oh, fuck. This is a rough day. No, but this is good for the PA. Oh, yeah. For an assistant, Kyle Smith. Yeah, definitely.

And he's also, you know, he sort of sounds like a paler version of Kyle. That's the lesser Kyle. It's like, okay, I want to be you, but I'm the watered down you. Oh, yeah, true. And Chandler's like a, you know, that's not a super unusual surname. Yeah. And Smith ups the ante on that. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, Smith. This is watered down you. Yeah. This is good. I like this. Kyle Smith can be my assistant. You're like the bottle of Coddies. Yeah. This is watered down you. Yeah. This is good. I like this. Kyle Smith can be my assistant. You're like the bottle of Coddy's and this guy's like the glass with the water in it.

Yeah. He's my diet coke, my full strength diesel. Yeah. I like this. Getting the job done. I mean, even his name is economical. There's nine letters in the job done. I mean, even his name is economical. There's nine letters in the entire thing. You know what I was disappointed about with Vietnam

that I really thought they'd bring more to the party with? Like, basically, no funky flavours of soft drink. Oh. You know, like, Asian countries are great at, like, they've got all sorts of different Cokes and Pepsis going on. I barely even saw diet. Man, I drove to Mornington yesterday, which was, they've got all sorts of different Cokes and Pepsis going on. Yeah. I barely even saw Diet. Man, I drove to Mornington yesterday, which was like an hour and a half away, and I found a whole new soft drink that they have down there.

I'm like, what the fuck's this? Down there? Yeah. What's the drink? I don't even know what it was. It was just like this fridge full of it in this shop I went into. I'm like, I've never fucking heard of this. Yeah, right.

This isn't like just over an hour from my house. Why have I never heard of this? Yeah, right. You know those, did you ever do that? Like maybe when you were a kid when you would go maybe away for a mini holiday within the state and go down to, I don't know, Portland or Colac or Warrnambool and there'd be a completely different little microcosm of soft drink company down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they wouldn't have Coke or whatever. Or they wouldn't have your normal ice creams. They'd have their own fucking weird regional ice creams yeah stuff yeah like that yeah that still survives but they couldn't even do that in vietnam i remember um my grandpa was a stock and station agent so he would have to drive around to different farms and i would go on little trips with him when i was a little kid and i vividly remember going to service stations and being able to get an Egg Flip Big M, never being able to find Egg Flip in the city, loving the flavour of Egg Flip,

and that was my big thing of like, yeah, even as a kid, it's like, why the fuck? Why isn't this in the city? What was Egg Flip? Why is it so hard? What was Egg Flip? I don't know. I think it's a combination of like vanilla and caramel kind of flavour

because it's a good one because it's not too popular because most people hear the name and they think that sounds disgusting they just think an egg drink flipping an egg yeah what am i rocky yeah fuck off but um no it's just it's a very small demo just people at the top of steps drinking this big game um but yeah no not enough uh yeah not enough crazy so i really thought you know you go to japan and it's like weird drinks and snacks out the wazoo yeah and i know it's like you know kind of dodgy to assume that just every asian country would have the same sort of thing going on but vietnam for whatever reason they're keeping it yeah they're really keeping a lid on it what was

the um i think we talked about this before you went. What was the convenience store that you – what was your go-to? Circle K. Circle K. But honestly, like we were in Hoi An for a week. And Hoi An's a weird town where there's like no chains. Like there's nothing. And it's just – it's crazy when you see a part of the world where they're just – they've completely kept all that out. Right.

There's not a Macca's. There's not – yeah, even like a Circle K. There's like no the convenience store is just like a guy who's just got a shop that's just got everything in it you don't see any form of yeah supermarket chain nothing yeah it's pretty impressive i wonder if it is like the town goes to some lengths to keep these people out or if they just have a bit of respect you know mackers is like beautiful, pristine town on the river. We couldn't possibly dare chuck a golden arches in here.

It would be inappropriate. I remember distinctly going into the country years and years and years ago and they're being a soft drink called fruiter. I was like, I just love that they couldn't even pick a single out of fruit. Oh, yeah. Wasn't like a banana one or an apple one or whatever. No, just fruit. Just fruit.

Yeah. Fruit drink, Fruta. Oh, God damn it. I had something to tell Greg on the episode. Fuck. I'll tell you now. Okay. On the menu for the resort I was at, the food menu around the pool,

they had something that really took me back to a conversation with Greg on this podcast from a few years ago. They had an item called a brown sandwich. Oh, really? Basically just meaning, I think it was beef sandwich with like wholemealmeal brown bread. Right, great. But just, it's like how has no one ever pointed out, oh, let's, why are we, brown sandwich.

Did you take a picture of that? Ah, fuck, I don't know if I did in the end. God damn. Yeah. That's good. I think I might, I'll have to have a check. I think, because we were there for a week, I was like, I got all the time in the world to photograph the brown sandwich.

Yeah, you didn't order one? Didn't order one, no. Because we were there for a week. I was like, I got all the time in the world to photograph the brown sandwich. Yeah. You didn't order one? Didn't order one. No. Had a little clubby. A little clubby around the pool. Love a club sandwich. Yeah.

How much? God, I can't remember. Resort prices. So not as good. Not as good. All right. Yeah. Okay. A club sandwich.

Amazing treat. Also a Western meal. Yeah. But jack up the price. Yep. Amazing meal on a holiday. Club sandwich, you're never just in a cafe at home and see a club sandwich. Right.

They're reserved for like the pool bar, I reckon. Yeah. I would definitely be more likely to order one over there than here. I've had a hankering from time to time. I've looked up club sandwich on Uber Eats. Yeah. Nothing comes up. I'd love to know the stats on Uber Eats compared to three years ago.

Right now. As in? Their sales. Oh, right. Post lockdowns and everything. I'd love to see that spike in mid-2000 compared to the rest of history. Well, places that were never, you know, were always like too good for delivery, that were a bit fancy,

just ended up having to go, all right, guess we got to work out how to make our $60 steaks conducive to going into a little styrofoam container. One of the worst meals I've ever had. Tried to do a steak delivered mid-lockdown. Fucking horrible mistake. mistake we while we were in hoi an so we were staying like 10 minutes out of the town in this resort that's on the beach and there's this place there where we went to get banh mi's a few times and it's like the place that anthony bourdain reckons reckoned was the best banh mi in vietnam and um it's so good and we're just around the pool like yeah

around the beach one day being like oh fuck i'd love to go get a bami but oh i just can't really ah the sun's so good can't really be fucked getting up and changing and going into town and someone was like imagine if you could uber eats it and i was like yeah i wonder if you can and they don't have uber eats but they've got grab which is like their local equivalent and um i looked it up and you can you could get it and i was like almost about to do it just for like the absurdity of going this is fucked like not even going into town getting it uber eats to the resort it's almost worth doing just for like the absurdity of it didn't do that but did uber eats uh kfc to our hotel you did not fucking hell we'd had an early dinner gone back and we're like

drinking on the balcony and it was like midnight and i was like i'm hungry i'm gonna get kfc delivered well what'd you get well i tried to get a zinger and then got a phone call from the kfc the lady did not speak english and i the only word i could understand was zinger burger yeah and i just kept saying yeah yeah, Zingerburger. And then she would say something and I would go, with cheese? I just was like taking guesses. Yeah. I was just thinking about what I want in the Zingerburger.

I'm like, yeah, so yeah, delivered, Zingerburger. Yeah. And it just reaches this standoff where she just hangs up. And then I get this burger that I don't know what it was. Right. she just hangs up and then i get this burger that i don't know what it was right bread um like a grilled fillet and then just a piece of cheese separate no no no in the burger but no lettuce no tomato not the proper bun like yeah i think she was clearly i don't know what she needed to ask me maybe it was like oh we're out of this. Right, right.

But just me going cheese again and again and again. All right, well, you can just have some bread with a bit of chicken and some cheese. Just her saying, would you like lettuce? Cheese. Cheese. And what about tomato? Cheese. Any mayo? Yep.

Cheese. Would you like a proper bun? Cheese. Cheese. I'll take that as a no. Well, there we go. Yep. Well, thanks, Kyle.

Thanks, Kyle Smith. As a PA, you will get me a much better burger than that. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mark Williams. Again, nice little subservient. No one's trying to blow me out of the water with a Max Vandegaard or anything like that. Yeah, Mark? Mark Williams. Yeah, Mark Williams. Markiams is like he's working the mail room yeah yeah just you can see that on like a a business card yeah a bit of an underling some of these names business cards mark williams underling some of these names though you just think are they you know i think this guy

is an assistant for life right you know some of these people you can sort of imagine them climbing the ranks. Yeah. But there's just something about Mark Williams where you just go, I think it's the shoe shining for eternity for you. Yeah. You've got no, you really need to change your name to Mark Knievel or something to just stand out.

Well, I mean, that's the classic sort of um trope from the like from the film or the series that's about like you know the person who's in the assistant role and they're really good and they're thinking like this is the day my boss finally you know promotes me yeah and they're like hey if i promote you then i lose you as my assistant yeah and you're just too good yeah it's a you know you can be too good at the assistant job and it's a curse. Yeah, that's right. You're trapped. And I think that's Mark Williams. It's like, this guy makes too good of a coffee.

Yeah. If I get rid of him, I'm going to have to adjust to like a, you know, my coffee's being a bit different. And also, what are you going to do if you leave me? Are you going to go out and make success and then make coffee for yourself? Yeah. What are you going to go and be a barista instead of being my PA? Yeah, my dream. I've climbed up the ranks of this entertainment company yeah and now i'm going to open a coffee

shop yeah i'm going to take all i've learned and i'm going to open a starbucks next to where you live chandler so you can come in here and fight off me yeah well that's all right yeah you'd be happy with that that's fine if i drink. You're still getting your coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I'll keep you under consideration, Mark. But, I mean, I think at the moment, Kyle Smith, I've still got a – I don't know. He's the guy. I've still got a good feeling. He's the guy. I've got a good feeling about Kyle Smith too, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe Mark Williams at the moment could be an assistant for Max Vandegaard, I think. Oh, yeah. That's a better – That's more likely. That's a better pair. Yeah, yeah. And then the first guy just goes and fucks I think. Oh, yeah, that's a better pair. And then the first guy just goes and fucks himself up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who cares? Michael Howard, you're on your own. You're a punter. Sorry. There's got to be someone to be selling tickets to in this operation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just, you know, you're part of the 5% that's out of work or whatever the fuck it is.

Well, thanks, Mark Williams. Thanks, Mark Williams. I've got four minutes until I need to go to the hairdresser. Okay. Let's just do one more then. One more name. One more. One more.

Hail Mary. Thank you very much to, oh, my God, I think we found my assistant. Oh, yeah. Thank you very much to patron subscriber Jeeves Comedy. Oh, right. Yeah. So like a butler. Yeah.

Well, it sounds like the ultimate assistant exactly what is a butler if not a yeah yeah yeah because we've just been assuming these people would be like doing your you know running your errands for you but like yeah we haven't none of these guys have given off the impression that they'd be wearing like a little tuxedo yeah yeah yeah little uh little kind of what's the little cloth on the arm yeah oh yeah yeah whatever that is like a towel on his arm you know this guy sucked me off or whatever do you want a galosh yeah yeah yeah um with a little like horrible little mustache that you would hate and make you want to punch the guy very good sir yeah yeah yeah very good mr chancellor

that's what i wanted a butler not an not a personal assistant. Great. And, you know, he's been born into the role, both names, Jeeves. Jeeves Comedy. Very subservient. Yeah. And comedy. Who better? That's what I do. Who better could there be?

That's the industry I work in. To be a comedy assistant. This is perfect. Wow, I think there's going to be a lot of competition for this guy. This is really perfect. I think Hugh's going to be wanting Jeeves Comedy to run around for. Why doesn't Hugh have an assistant? Why doesn't Hugh have an assistant?

He should have an assistant. Yeah. You know he should have an assistant? Why doesn't Husey have an assistant? He should have an assistant. Yeah. You know he should have an assistant? I mean, this is a conversation for a time where I have more time to get to a fucking hairdresser. But Nazeem, Hussain, you know, some of these guys. I mean, they've got management, so I guess that's what you do. No, but again, it's not that. Do you know who has an assistant?

Who? A comedian, a friend of ours. Oh, really? A friend of the show. Oh, really? I think this the show. Oh, really? I think this is fine to say this because he told me. Someone's broken the floodgates and gotten someone on. Yeah, he told me.

He told me that he didn't mind this going out. Okay. Friend of the show, Joel Creasy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's Hollywood and Joel's very showbiz. Yes. So, yeah. Okay, I like that a lot.

Yes. Yeah, nice. He's very showbiz. Yes. So, yeah. Okay. I like that a lot. Yes. Yeah, nice. He's very not doing it by halves. He asked – maybe we'll talk about this next time he's on, but he went to Koh Samui recently and I didn't even bother giving him – I gave him a couple of tips and went, this is a waste of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are not operating on my level.

Beers are really cheap here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Great. on my level. Beers are really cheap here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Sounds awful. Yeah, yes. Totally, totally. All right. Well, thanks Jeeves Comedy and thanks everyone who subscribes to the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club. Get on there. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get your tickets to Perth and we will see you next time. See you, mates.