The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 673 - Nazeem Hussain & Sonia Di Iorio

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

This week we're joined by NAZEEM HUSSAIN & SONIA DI IORIO! It's Tommy's birthday and he's worn a suit to the podcast for a very, VERY funny reason. He's also got some big Dassalo family news to announce AND according to Nazeem, he's considering buying property in Braybrook. PLUS we talk about avocados, funeral interrupters, pool pumps AND Karl's new side hustle of "supplying" "goods" to Nazeem. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nazeem Hussain and Sonia D'Orio. We are coming over to Perth, aren't we, Carl? We sure are. I can confirm. Locked in? Yeah. Okay, great. Let's do it. That's the only reason I brought it up. I just wanted official confirmation.

Signing off. Saturday, November the 4th. Come down, check that out, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. We will talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, but until then, enjoy this new one with Nazeem Hussain and Sonia Di Iorio Hey mates, welcome once again into the

Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week, thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Sonia Di Iorio and Nazeem Hussain. Hello. Yes.

Woo. Wow. It feels like I'm in a studio. In a what? Live audience. Live studio audience. In a studio? Studio. Hello. I'm in a studio. In a live audience. Live studio audience. In a studio. Hello. I'm going back to bed. Sonia has never done television.

It's fucking early. Kids toys everywhere. I just want to imagine. This is what I think. How small is your apartment if you think this is a TV studio? I walked in and I thought I was in Hollywood. We are in a TV room. There's a TV here. That's what threw you thought I was in Hollywood. We are in a TV room. There's a TV here.

That's what threw you off. Yeah, that's what confused me. You thought you were in a TV show because you saw a TV. I thought the TV was a camera.

Right. We should start. We should have a camera in here that's just got footage of us on your TV. Why don't you do the camera thing?

You know, everyone's posting clips of podcasts. You guys are fucking missing the curve here. I know. You need to be in a fucking studio and have a fucking camera. No, just set up your phones.

Can you do it? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe this should be an off podcast conversation rather than... I think the listeners, they would probably... They want to see you. They want to see your faces. Nazeem's wrapped.

He came in here. He said, I've got nothing to talk about. Like you offered us a glass of water and Nazeem was like, no, no. I was looking around the room. Let's talk about it on air. I have nothing. I was critiquing the podcast. I saw Sonia outside and I was like, I've got to go through my camera roll just to find anything in my life.

Text messages. I've got nothing. What was the last thing you took a photo of? Oh, all right. Look, I've got stuff about you I know your life better than you yeah but that's you that's you contenting

yeah I've got a photo this is why you need a camera no one can fucking see this my daughter at the library okay what's she reading huh

what's she reading Stuart Woods right she was in a you know a non-fiction adult area of so you know is that content that's content that's content we can riff on that Dewitt Woods. Right. She was in a non-fiction adult area. That's content.

That's content. We can riff on that for 45 minutes. That's a log on the fire. All right. Your daughter's looking for pornos in the library. That's cool. Yeah. I got some big news.

I went and visited my cousin the other day. Whoa. Two kids. Living large. She's got a six-month-old. If only you had this much content. This is content. Whoa. Two kids. Living large. She's got a six-month-old. If only you had this much content. This is content. Yeah.

Go on. My cousin's got a six-month-old baby and a four-year-old and I was sitting there chatting with her. I was holding a six-year-old. Is this the story? Yeah, this is the story. You went and you chat with your cousin. This isn't the...

I'm still talking. This is the end of the story. I don't know if you've ever done stand-up comedy before. There's got to be a set-up and then there's the funny bits at the end. I'm really hyped up right now. Have you heard of a full stop in the story yet? Can you please? You were stressed about not having any content.

Someone brings theirs in and then you're bashing that. Yeah. Sorry the baby isn't in a library, you cunt. Yeah. No, I think you should do the end of the story first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then set it up. Tarantino style. Yes. Yeah, I'll do the do the end of the story first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then set it up. Tarantino style.

Yes. Yeah, I'll do the punchline and then I'll work back. So? So I'm at my cousin's house. Yes. I'm holding her like, yeah, six month old baby. And she says, hi. My cousin goes, I was wondering, her and her husband,

she's like, we wanted to ask you something. Would you be the godfather? Oh. Oh my god. Sonia? That's why you're wearing a suit. Yeah godfather? Oh! Oh, my God. Sonia? That's why you're wearing a suit. Yeah, well. I don't think you should do it.

It's cultural appropriation. No, but it's my culture. It's the culture that I've already been appropriating for 15 years. So this is perfect. Exactly, because you're a fake Italian, and godfather is a fake father. You're not actually the father of that kid. No. Yeah.

But if something happens... Thank God I'm not the father because it's my cousin's kid. You're Italian, Sonia, right? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I'm pretty certain I've heard you say that not just guessed it from the D part of...

The Oreo. All Italians have Ds. D, something. Sonia the Oreo. What else would I be, Naz? What do you think? That's a great question. Sorry, this is what people are usually guessing about you.

I honestly can't tell. I mean, D, you can have that. She could be Jewish, very Jewish looking too. Yeah, that's my nose. Fuck you. I love the Jews. I love the Jews. They're my cousins, the Jews. I love the Jews. They're my cousins, you know.

They're Muslim cousins of Jews. Oh, really? Yeah. You get along. Yeah, so you could be a Jewish or Italian. That's about it. Yeah. That's it.

No, no, no. Russian. Russian. No, but D means, like, you can be Argentinian, I think, and have that surname. Oh, yeah. What about Richard D. Natale? Is he the green guy

that's Italian yeah what are you what are your your mate your best mate sorry Tommy's in the middle

of his content Godfather is it confirmed I'm the Godfather what are your roles and responsibilities great question do we all

have to kiss your ring yeah I think that's it which ring honestly I've never seen the film. So I think I've got to knock them off now as part of my research for what I'm meant to be doing in my new role. That's an instructional video now. Yeah.

So I was pretty excited about this, pretty touched. So you have no idea. So they just said, can you be the Godfather? You said yes. Yeah. And you don't know What that entails Well I think it's basically Like if they die

Then it's all on me You're the father I'm stepping in That's not legally Custody doesn't go To the godfather Yeah That's not legally binding

It's very much It's an honorary doctorate It's basically like a mentor It is yeah It's like free Taxi driver You know like It's a boy right

Yeah yeah Did you know If you read the book By Steve Bedulf Raising boys He's an authority on it It's like free taxi driver. It's a boy, right? Yeah. Did you know, if you read the book by Steve Bedulf, Raising Boys, he's an authority on it. We've all read it. We've all read it. So you will be familiar with the part where he talks about, in a boy's life, ages zero to six years, the boy tends to be like a mummy's boy, basically.

He basically is attached to the mum. Six to 14, dad's boy, if you've got a double gender. Anyway, 14 to 21 is when they seek mentor, which is like an external, someone not parents. Right. Could be like a coach or a godfather. And that's when you come into it, yeah. I'm just taking a snooze for the next 14 years.

You got 14 years to get your shit together. When he's 14, he can hang out with this cool 50-year-old. I mean, that is what I've thought of it as. Hey, 14 years ago, I used to have a podcast. Yeah, exactly. You've just got to not get cancer for the next 14 years. Wait, are we ending the podcast today? Yeah, I'm thinking I just kind of,

I'm just basically hanging out until it's time to, you know, get him his first cheeky beer, show him his first porno, all that kind of stuff. Listen, I know about godfathers. Your role, this is legit, your role is to provide spiritual guidance to this child throughout their life. But what does that mean practically? Now, that is a legally binding contract.

What does that practically mean? Well, if at any time they have a question about the church or God or anything. I mean, now that I, I wasn't really conscious. You can't disparage that. You can't disparage. Now you've got to watch the three Godfather movies. You've got to read the Bible. Yeah.

Fuck, there's a bit of work. Now that I think about it, the next thing I did after being anointed Godfather, I went home and I cooked a big bolognese. Oh, wow. That's got nothing to do with spirituality. I was really having a big day. That's more of an ad hoc role. That's not a KPI, mate.

I'm an Australian avocados ambassador still. You're the godfather of avocados. Godfather of fruit. There's a lot of responsibility here, man. That's a different thing. No, it absolutely is the same thing. Contractually. I'm going to go up to my godson and give him a little squeeze to work out if he's ready for my tutorage yet.

You're going to tell people you're not allowed to have your godson on toast if you want to afford a house. He's in season, guys. No, but you know what? They are allowed to drop me as an ambassador if I, basically, if my reputation affects their reputation. If you talk too much about grapes or something like that. Yeah, or if I just get embroiled in some bloody scandal, you know, then that affects their brand disparages.

Is that part of the contract? Well, yeah. Like, imagine if I'm like a freaking convicted something. Yes. Did they want you? And they're like, oh now he's still our ambassador. He's still got to pay me. Did they want you because you own like 17 properties?

I do not. And that flies in the face, the idea of like, you're eating your smashed avocados, you need to open a wine house. Happy to go. This guy's proving you can't have a boat. Why not both? Tommy Daslow complains. Have you bought a, are you renting still?

I'm renting. Where are you renting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm big enough to say I'm renting. How did you get that? East Melbourne, is it? No, I'm in Fitzroy these days renting? I'm big enough to say I'm renting. How did you get there? East Melbourne, is it? No, I'm in Fitzroy these days. You've been to East Melbourne.

Yeah, you've been to my house. You're the only renter wearing a suit at 9.30 in the morning. We need to get around to the suit at some point. We'll get around to the suit at some point. Once it finishes. The point is you've got to stay good. You have to maintain a good reputation. You think they could drop me?

Yeah, because you are a reflection of the baby net, of the kid. Right. Everything, Naz, everything you do in your life, are you always thinking, oh, what would avocado, think avocado, think about this? It's so hard to get you to do this. Genuinely, sometimes. What would Mr. Hass think?

That didn't sound like an insult, did it? Because otherwise you need to edit that out. If you're talking shit about avocados. That's me. I'm saying it. I mean, I can speak for my own opinion on avocados around you, though, can't I? Well, if I hear that, imagine if I'm silent. Yeah.

No, yeah. You can say you left the room. Yeah. Yeah, but look, obviously, basically, it can be reasonably understood that I supported your disarming remarks, then I could be dropped. Right. Similarly, you're walking around basically as a brochure for this kid.

Are you allowed to talk positively about guacamole or is that a separate industry? I think guacamole is pretty avocado-adjacent. Yeah, yeah. It's like 80% avocado. But I'm wondering if it's its own separate thing. It's like bolognese to Sonia.

Sonia's a key ingredient of bolognese. So am I the avocado in this situation? Sonia's not a tomato. She's of Italy. What else do you guys do? Pizza, bolognese. In Jewish Italy, what do you cook? What do you guys do?

Ferrari. Hello, mafia. Policy, mafia. With Godfather. guys do ferrari uh hello mafia godfather um so does it go both ways though am i like so you're saying if my reputation is no the kid can fuck around because you're the godfather so i'm locked in i can't go this kid has just done a disgusting shit here this is bad for my reputation no no i'm distant i'm not god i'm i'm you you know, I'm removing myself as Godfather. I'm not allowed to do that.

Well, maybe you can, but if you remain attached to this kid in this role and this kid goes and stabs someone on the train, it's going to reflect badly on you, like it does on parents. If you haven't offered him the good guidance to not stab someone on the train. If that happens, I can't then go, I'm out. No, no, no. Unless you'm out well unless you can well you should probably but it's like when um is there been many examples of someone going i quit from being a godfather and the kid insisting no you're still my god but you're saying he can kick me like if i

let's say like let's say i one day go on the footy show and i bomb and this kid's like i don't want this cunt as my godfather i'm kicking him out probably wouldn't happen because the footy show and I bomb. And this kid's like, I don't want this cunt as my godfather. I'm kicking him out. Probably wouldn't happen because the footy show doesn't fucking exist. So if you went on the footy show 25 years ago, I'd go back in time. I wouldn't kill Hitler. I'd go on the footy show.

I'd do everything in my power to stand up on the footy show. And do really well so my godson doesn't dump me. I mean, they wouldn't want to dig up your hey-hey at Saturday performance. No, they would not. Well, they wouldn't recognise him under all that make-up. So I did it. So I'd be protected in the future.

This is Donald Trump impersonation. Well, this is good to know. It might already be too late because I got home and I texted my mum. This is very exciting news. I was very touched to be asked. I texted my mum and said is very exciting news. I was very touched to be asked. I texted my mum and said, Hey, really exciting news. I just got back from my cousins

and they asked me to be Frankie's godfather. And my mum wrote back, It's Freddy. So we are off to the races here, folks. You're fired. First act of business. Earn the kid's name Alright Alright

I'll make a note of that I reckon I can come around to this We don't have godfathers in Islam But When my son was born What do you have? Allah fathers? We don't actually have it

But You know my friend Hesh right? Good stuff That's good That's really good stuff Allah fathers Allah But you know Hesh is my good mate And. That is good. That's really good stuff. That's good. Allah favours Allah. But you know, Hesh is my good mate. And I grew up with him and he really wanted to be my son's godfather.

I was like, well, we don't have it. So we sort of made up a thing. So he did the call to prayer. So when a kid's born, you can do a call to prayer in their ears. And he just did that and he's now anointed himself. And I sort of, you know, I kind of... Wait, so he just did that when you were out of the room? No, I was in the room. I was sat next to him um and um anyway so he's kind of my kid's

godfather but we don't have godfather and so we've appropriated that yeah but it's um i don't really know does he have official title then is it what do you say we need to change this currently he's my son's special uncle okay no i feel like that reflects badly on avocados. Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be calling him that. Yeah. I reckon we could sit here and make a think tank and try and find a worse name for that

and we wouldn't be able to do it. Is special uncle required to know the name or does this function differently to Godfather? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think he knows the name. Special uncle. He doesn't call him Freddy. I mean, Freddy, is that the actual kid's name? Yeah. Is that a... Yeah, I'll dox my Godson. I think he knows the name. Special uncle. He doesn't call him Freddy. I mean, Freddy, is that the actual kid's name?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll dox my godson. I don't give a fuck. Is Freddy like a nickname for a real name? Is it like Eric? Is Freddy? Oh, don't ask Tommy. Am I on nickname basis with my godson? The name is Fred or Frederick.

Frederick. Not Eddie. What are you talking about? No, Fred is a real name, isn't it? Fucking hell. Fred sounds like it's a nickname, Eric. I mean, fish is brain food a real name, isn't it? Fred sounds like it's a nickname. I mean, fish is brain food.

Avocado clearly isn't. Now, is that going to get you into hot water? You can argue against me there. I missed everything. We'll say that fish are... What's fish are? Fish is brain food.

Avocado clearly isn't. That was my joke there. Fish is brain food. Oh my God. I isn't. That was my joke there. Fish is brain food. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. I've honestly just, like, lost the whole... Start again. Fish is brain food.

Oh, right. What's happening? Are you having a stroke? No, I think I actually... I've completely... You know, fish is known as brain food. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Because you said something stupid. Yeah. I said, well, if fish... Man. Wait, no, no. Keep going. I'm nearly following you. This is such,

you are such a good advertisement for drinking. Can you please just continue? I've never had a drop in you like this. I need to get, can you just, so fish is right. Okay, I'll talk you through it. I'll step you through my little joke.

Behind the curtain. Right. Fish is known as being like good for the brain. Whether that's right or not. Get that bit. What's the next one? Oh, you do get that bit. Oh, you get that bit.

Oh, sorry. And now I get that bit. Sorry's the next one? Oh, you do get that bit. Oh, you get that bit. Oh, sorry. And now I get that bit. Sorry for slowing things down. Someone had a mackerel for breakfast. Someone had a big hot glass of fucking trout juice on the way here. Someone's treated the aquarium like a buffet. All right, so you get that. Okay, great.

You'll cross that. Because you don't sound like you get it, I'll, great. You get it. Cross that. Because you don't sound like you get it, I'll be honest. You get the set up. Now here comes the punchline. I thought you were talking about Fisher as in the surname. If fish is brain food. If fish is brain food. Yeah.

Go on. Avocado clearly isn't. Clearly isn't. Right, now I get it. You get that? You're a dumb cunt. Now I get it. I appreciate that collaboration.

That's clearly meant as a joke. It was meant originally as a joke, and now I'm sort of thinking it's serious. Does that pass the test? Not defaming avocados? Yeah, that's defaming avocados. That's bad, man. Yeah, but you're not agreeing.

But I'm taking that in a self-deprecating way, which is charming. Yes, it is. People love that. And Aussie avocating way, which is charming. Yes. Yeah, that is. People love that. And Aussie avocados, we don't take ourselves seriously. And look, because that's been so funny, I mean, a lot of people didn't understand that joke to start with. And you've spoken for them.

And you didn't say the if part. And there was a lot wrong with your enunciation. Yeah, yeah, right. Oh, this is on me now. I'm the bad one now. Oh, okay. That's fair enough. If you don't want to take upward feedback. Yeah. Because is on me now. I'm the bad one now. Oh, okay. If you don't want to take upward feedback,

because you are the boss on this podcast. This ep is going to be me getting kicked out of Godfather. They're going to listen to this and be like, you're out. Yeah, don't let anyone listen to this. No one's going to have a title left after this. You're going to be Avocados. I'm really nervous about not having content, so that's why I'm hyped up.

Does your cousin know you got the name wrong yet? No. No. The cousin... Oh, right, right. So they haven't found yet? No. No. The cousin... Oh, right, right. So they haven't found out about it. No, and she doesn't listen to this, so I think I'll get away with this.

Of course she doesn't listen to this. She asked you to be Godfather. Oh, 100%. Yeah, I mean, she did used to live with me, so she's kind of... Aware. She's seen how I could take care of myself. She's aware of your situation.

Yeah. She's thought, this guy, if anything happens to me, this guy is going to be able to look after little Francesca. He's living in a rental property somewhere with no aspirations of owning property, even if it's in Braybrook. No, he has unreasonable expectations of... Wait, this is about me?

Of property ownership, yeah. You think I should own a property? I don't see what you're saying. You think I should buy in Braybrook? Well, why not? What's wrong with migrants? Are think I should own a property? I don't see what you saw in you. You think I should buy in Braybrook? Huh? Well, why not? What's wrong with migrants? Are you trying to sell a house? Mate, you just want this to you.

What have you got? What have you got? Show me the portfolio. How many properties have you got in Braybrook? Mate, I don't have anything. I don't have any property in Braybrook. You've been sitting there with that big binder under your arm. Where do you have properties?

At least the suburbs. I rent where I live, but I bought where I could afford. And Tommy wants, Tommy's complaining about all the time we can't afford property yeah but he wants to buy in inner city melbourne you fucking boomers you bought all the property you couldn't understand what i said now you're making up something that tommy said no we've had this we've had this anyway look we'll talk about this off air yeah i think i think you're i think you've got problems because you're a non-alcoholic. I think you've gone so far the other way that you're having mental issues. Oh, the body needs alcohol to function.

It does. Just a little bit. I need podcast hosts to speak clearly when they're making joke analogies. You're saying Sonia could pass for Jewish. You could pass for an AI. You sort of can interact and then it's like, doesn't I stand for intelligence? It was artificial.

You just passed for an A. It's like you're sort of talking to it and it's like, yeah, I believe I'm interacting with a person. And then you just throw one question at it and it's like, okay, it's gotten this completely wrong. By the end of this episode, it'll have learned our language and it'll have figured out what's going on. In ten years' years time this is

going to be really good it'll be seamless like your godson yeah like my godson yes beautiful little uh philip yeah do you need to give a sex talk oh my god that's six months no wait you become a special's fresh where he's come from He probably still remembers being in the womb You know the only one who's given a sex talk at six months A special uncle Yeah, that's real special uncle territory Or special godfather

Special godfather Yeah I'll wait until 12 months Yeah, one year On the anniversary You know what we're celebrating today? He might ask you Because, you know, it's awkward talking to your parents about it.

So when he's curious, you're going to be prepared for this. You're going to be prepared. How do they – have you had the sex talk with your parents? No. I'm 38 and I have not. Have you taught your parents about sex? I haven't. We literally would not talk about it.

Like, really? No, seriously. I never had it. I don't know many people that have actually had it. My parents just left it up to the sex ed at school where we got taught how to put a condom on a banana. Genuinely? We didn't even do that.

Did you get taught how to put a condom on an avocado? How to put a dental dam onto an avocado. Listen, that might be helpful for some, but not many of them are shaped like avocados. I'm not saying zero. They're out there. They're out there. And what a great penis they would have.

What a lucky lady. What a lucky lady getting dicked down by an avocado cock. Giving it a little squeeze and being like, yes, that's for me. We love our avos. Oh, hang on. That's too ripe. I squeezed that. Stuff came out.

A bit of guacamole comes out. It's a win-win situation. Is this okay? Are we still winning? They'll be wrapped. We're mentioning the brand. We're so good. New markets.

I would love it if guacamole came out instead of spoof. Straight on toast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little guac would be a nice little treat. Yeah, man. Straight on toast. You'd be able to afford that. Yeah, yeah.

That's fine. I'd make a lot of money. Yeah. Trying to time the orgasm with the toaster oh my goodness wait wait wait we've still got a couple of seconds here

yes are you speaking to me yeah alright I was making scrambled eggs on toast yesterday it's the it's the

it's the juggling plates it's the timing spinning plates yeah yeah yeah the multitasking yeah that would be perfect

and then I could stop eating spoof on toast yes it would be really good I think I could stop eating spoof on toast. Yes. It would be really good. I think someone's just written a new bit. Yes. Thank you and good night. Good night.

You walk in and Sonia's eating spoof on toast. Someone's saving for a house. Sometimes I don't even have the toast. Can I have some spoofandos Holder toast? I'm saving for a place in Braybrook. Shout out to the Braybrook listeners. Wow, how'd you manage to get this house? Oh, you don't want to know.

There was a lot of me licking cum off a plate. I don't know how that translates into me now owning property that I'm renting out in Braybrook. How far out is Braybrook? I don't know. Yeah. Well, that tells you everything. It's a long way out.

Yeah. Do you want a house that you own? Only if... Or do you want to just keep complaining about... I don't know if you have to go as far as Braybrook. I mean, you could maybe go to Reservoir. But Reservoir's fancy. It's close to the city.

You can't have it all, man. You can't have it. You've got to start on the bottom. If I lived in Braybrook... Thomas sounds expensive. If I lived in Braybrook Thomas sounds expensive If I lived in Braybrook And I'm messaging you Going hey Naz Can you come do the podcast

And you're like I'm free We're doing it at my house In Braybrook I'll respect I'll be like man He's of the people He's of the people Let's do a live

A live podcast From Tommy's housewarming In his new house In Braybrook And you'll be there Let's do a live podcast From Tommy's housewarming in his new house in Braybrook. Let's do a live podcast from an open for inspection property in Braybrook. Naz will come and cut the ribbon when you own it. Okay. You know, like, you want to buy a car, you can test drive for sometimes even a couple of days.

Yeah. Can you do, like, live in a house if you want to buy it? Yeah. I don't think that exists. But maybe it does for like super rich. Or just like houses that are not selling. Listen, I'm thinking about buying them. I need a couple of days.

Can I squat in here while you're just showing it off? Just want to make some toast. You won't be able to cook anything like toast, for example. Well, not the way I have it. I think I'll be just fine. I think if you're squatting in a house with no furniture, I think you would be making toppings for toast overnight.

There's not much else to do. Yeah, you should be able... It's a shame when you're like, if you've rented a place that you really like and you're like, God, I could just live here forever. It's a shame that you can't just go, hey, what about I just... Test drive.

Test live. I've been test driving it for the last couple of years. Well, you have those model homes that do set themselves up. They'll have furniture in there. You could possibly do that. Like a display home? Display home, yeah. Just like, I'll just stay in there.

Why not? Display home in Braybrook. Yeah, test out how many hours it'll take you to get into the city. That's true. If you live in Braybrook and you're happy for me to just kind of like come and hang out a couple times a week just to test out what it's like to live out that way. Commute back and forth to Carl's to do the pod.

You never know what your area is going to be like. When we moved in here, it's like, I wish I'd have known the shops up here. They're all terrible. They're the worst fucking shops. There's like 15 shops up there. My mother-in-law shops just around here. No, she doesn't't She's down the road

She's down the other way Up this way is terrible There's 15 shops And one of them's A pool pump shop There's a framing shop Why is that a horrible shop Just because you don't have a pool

Some people have pools For you it's a terrible shop Yes Yeah exactly If you had a pool This would be a sick spot But I don't That's why I am saying

I hate the shops up there Do you not understand I'm not speaking for the country. Okay, okay. Speaking for me. You hate every shop that doesn't apply to you. Yes. If it's next door to me, it has no use to me.

How can you have nothing on the walls if you live near a framing shop? What's your excuse? That's fair. That's fair. Why don't you have things on the wall? You've got a clock and that's it. There's a clock. That's important. Why don't you have things on the wall? You've got a clock and that's it. There's a clock. That's important.

You know what? Because the house got painted and they took the nails out of the wall. So we did have a couple of things up there. Yeah, you don't want to ruin the walls. So now they're down again. Oh, yeah, they took them out. It's pretty hard to put them back in. No one's ever done it before.

Too much avo, man. Too much avocado. Get some 3M hooks. Get those 3Ms, baby. They're avo, man. Too much avocado. Get some 3M hooks. Get some 3M hooks. Get those 3Ms, baby. 3Ms, they're pretty pricey. You know why? Because there's a pool pump shop up there and there could be a Bunnings there and then

we could have fixed all of this. Yeah, yeah. Just going to the pool pump shop. Do you have wall hangers? Yeah, yeah. I know this is a shot in the dark. Oh, what a shit shot. I'm asking you personally if you have them in your house.

Could you rip them off the wall for me? Are there any nails in pool pumps? Can I buy one of them out of the pool pump? Yeah. This is all going to be good advice for my godson one day. Don't live near a pool pump shop if you don't have a pool. Look around. Earn enough money so you can buy a house that's away from a pool pump shop

so you don't have these problems. No, you're right, Carl, because everyone comes in the property and they're like, is this a good apartment, blah, blah, blah. But they don't do blocks of the street. Yeah. They don't go walking around checking out the shops. They don't do the live-in open for inspections. If you buy in Braybrook now, in 14 years, when your kid is 14, he's going to be like, man,

I've got that. My rich godfather lives in Braybrook. Lives in Braybrook. And people are going to be like, what? That's only like four hours from the city. Yeah. Whoa, he must be loaded. Yeah, 14, he's going to be like, man, I've got that. My rich godfather lives in Braybrook. And people are going, what? That's only like four hours from the city. Whoa, he must be loaded.

He's a podcaster. I, I, I did this when we were looking for where me and my girlfriend live now, when we were going to inspections. Cause you're right. Like you, it's the things that when you go and look at a place, the things that end up mattering a lot,

you don't tend to like think about and look at when you're in the inspection. Like water pressure in the shower is a big one. You ever move in someone and you're like, this shower was a fucking disaster and now we use this every day. Yeah, but that's why you open the water when you inspect it. Don't you do that? No. I open every tap.

Do you go and turn the shower on? Yeah. Do you flush the toilet? Yes. Really? Because my dad doesn't. He's a big walk. I learned from him. Yeah, yeah, that is. Except it doesn't work. But what's the toilet? Yes. Really? Because my dad doesn't. It's a big walk.

I learned from him. Yeah, yeah, that is. Except it doesn't work. But what's the worst thing? Checking the pressure. And then you... The pressure and the flush. So that's it. You check the pressure.

You turn all the taps on. And the taps, you turn on full ball to check if the drain's clogged. Full ball. Full ball. Full ball. Is that wrong? Full ball. It's breakfast time here.

What's the phrase? Get the toast out. It's full bore, isn't it? Full bore. Full ball. Is that wrong? Full ball. It's breakfast time. What's the phrase? Get the toast out. It's full bore, isn't it? Full bore. Full bore. Yeah, that's what I said. Full bore. Is that a thing?

Full bore, not full ball. I didn't even know that was... I thought it was full ball. What's the thinking behind full ball? You turn the taps on full ball all the way around like a ball, like in a circle? I like the idea that you think I'm thinking. I'm thinking about words. Actually, turning the taps on full bore makes more sense because bore is like a way of getting water out of the ground.

What I have done, I've never done that, but you're right. It's like the things, you know, the shops around the place. My girlfriend got annoyed at me when we were going to inspections for the place we're in now i'd just like sit in the hallway and i'd get on uber eats what's uh what's around really what are my options gonna be these are the things i want to know like see this is this is the millennial uh version of like checking which way the sun comes in the window that's that's your version well my dad was a big he was on me about that. He's like, you got to, you know,

you got to make sure the windows are facing this way. It's like, you're renting in Fitzroy. You really have to, he's like, you got to make sure you've got an undercover car park. And like, you got to let go of things like that if you're looking at certain areas. Across the road from my mom's house, there was like an open section.

They built some units and they were just really quickly built. And I went upstairs and there was a toilet up there three bedrooms upstairs or two bedrooms and a toilet but no place to wash your hands you had to come downstairs

which is that's pretty shit yeah yeah yeah that's really bad there's dirty hands all over the railings on the way down yeah so don't shake

anyone's hand on the way I don't know if you shake hands in your house straight after I go to the toilet I do that's how I want that's how I alright well I'll start looking.

If you live in Braybrook, let me know. Sell me on the... Write in. Sell me on the pros and cons of it. What are the prices like? Have you got any idea? Cheaper than where Tommy wants to buy. He complains about not being able to afford a Fitzroy.

I like how this all comes from Tommy Weldon Buy House. He has not said that at any point. He complains about the price of point. It's his bias. He's complaining about the price of things. I'll be honest. I wouldn't hate owning property. I'm big enough to admit that. Sounds like you want to buy property.

Well, you dress the way. You look like a real estate agent. You dress the way. Yeah, I'm dressed like I'm about to go to... You look like you're about to sell property. Yeah, exactly. Like a timeshare or something. Is this a presentation?

I don't think I'm looking like I'm selling property. I think I'm dressed like the 21-year-old that comes around to do the rental inspection. Yeah. The lowest rung that's like, you're doing all this shit work. Yeah, this is your first job. For people at home, Tommy is fully dressed up, dressed to the nines, I will say. I'll give all the information. It's Tommy's birthday today. Yeah. Oh, my God. Happy birthday. It's give all the information. It's Tommy's birthday today.

Oh my God. Happy birthday. It's not all the information. I'm dressed in a suit because it's my birthday. This is your birthday suit. I thought you were getting into character of the Godfather. It's pretty brutal turning up here at Carl Chandler's house where you have to take your shoes off

at the door because the suit with just socks is such a rough look. Yeah, but they're fluffy socks. Why wouldn't you wear like business socks or something? Because I'm not... Because I don't own any.

There you go. I'm not in business. Why don't you wear your formal socks? You've got yourself down. You've got a business... Why are you wearing a suit? Because it's your birthday.

I'm going straight to a funeral after this. If you must know now. It's a pretty light-coloured suit for a... It's almost like... coloured suit for a funeral. It's almost like sky blue. This is like they're dead now.

I can't afford to wear black because I'm saving for a house. Do you know why? This is a good suit. His other suit is lemon coloured. He can't wear that to the fucking funeral. Honestly, I did. Last night I was just having these panic dreams of like,

what if I get up and this suit is like something's happened to it, like moths have gotten it or it's like there's some huge stain on it that I hadn't noticed. And then I'm like, well, I guess my only other option is to wear the lemon suit. To a funeral. What's worse, lemon suit or just like going cash? Just like black jumper and black jeans. Lemon suit? Lemon suit or just like going cash? Just like black jumper and... Probably lemon suits.

Lemon suit. Lemon suit. Are you doing any... Am I doing a set? Yeah, I'm going to do a spot. Do you know this person personally? He's like an older person. I'm just going to see what's on.

You know that I prefer... It's an open mic funeral. Dealer's choice. You've seen that film Wedding Crashers? Well, this is sort of like that. There's always heaps of horny chicks at funerals. You know, there's people at weddings that fill up seats, right? There's professional mourners.

Yes. What? Yeah, you get paid to just attend funerals. There's also funeral interrupters. Exactly. People hire them to go to their funerals. Hang on on hang on Yeah yeah

Like what Before they say I do Before they die So that Yeah the funeral confessor So that they can Like air all their dirty laundry Exactly

And I hated you And you're a fuck Like to do this But also I spoke to a guy the other day I almost brought this up Before we started recording Because I thought

There's going to be no comedy In me saying I'm going to a funeral After the pot And how wrong I was There's a guy Yeah there's a guy who We were chatting to Basically there's going to be no comedy in me saying I'm going to a funeral after the pot, and how wrong I was. Yeah, there's a guy who we were chained to. Basically, there's a guy who's called the confession, the coffin confessor. Yeah, coffin confessor.

And he gets all the dirty laundry, and sometimes he's got a mistress. Can we get it clear? So you've hired this person before you died? Okay, so there's a guy. He used to be in the police force, and so he will go. Now people ask him to come and meet them. And so you'll meet this person. He'll meet his client on the deathbed.

And they're like dying. Look, I've got this secret. I really need to get it off my chest. I booked you the funeral for August 1. Well, I'm about to die. Like I've got like three weeks left or something. I've been having an affair for 20 years. I really just tell my wife when I'm dead.

Or deliver flowers in the next 10 years to my mistress every week. Or if this guy comes to my funeral, stand up and say, actually, this is from the deceased. You are a dickhead who never... What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? This is a man who shot me and killed me. Yeah. Arrest this man. Exactly. The call. But that's,

I mean, you know, that's pretty crazy. That's bad Is that what you meant? Yeah, yeah, like funeral interrupters They stand up and they're like Carl, Tommy always fucking hated you

I would do, I mean, I could see the logic in Just paying some seat fillers for your funeral You know, before you die You're like, I want this thing to be packed You know what I mean? just paying some seat fillers for your funeral, you know, before you die, you're like, I want this thing to be packed. You know what I mean? That's a pretty brutal thing to have to do. So many people, I want this to be like Princess Diana's funeral. I want people spilling out into the streets.

That's pretty brutal that you can't fill a funeral. No, but like... I mean, I understand a festival show, but... But if you die young, if you die young, it's like easy. You've got a full house. If you're 90 or something, all your mates are dead. It's like, this could be, you know, and also when you get to that age. Yeah, exactly.

You start shedding, you know, friends. You're in a home by yourself or whatever it is. Oh, I get it. Yeah, but then that makes sense. Then you don't have many people there. But if you are young with no friends, that's when you need to hire people. You need to fill it up. Yeah. Have you got them booked in, Carl? I don't. I get it. Yeah, but then that makes sense then you don't have many people there. But if you are young with no friends, that's when you need to hire people. Yeah, you need to fill it up. Yeah.

Have you got them booked in, Carl? I don't. I don't. Okay, I will hire both of you guys. Yeah. And you, Sonia. But if you want to do a live pod at my funeral, just let all the religious stuff go.

I'm a real white lady. Yeah. Okay. White lady is the last funeral home that I'm using. My nemesis. My lifelong nemesis. Oh, I'm brown auntie.

My nemesis. Brown auntie. Now, has that ever been a sketch on your show? No. Brown auntie funerals. Brown auntie. Brown auntie.

Damn. Special brown auntie. Live podcast. Live Aunty. Special Brown Aunty. Live podcast. Live podcast. You can do a Muslim funeral. So when you're doing my eulogy, it'll be so just odd. Zayn, I've known him a little bit,

doing comedy. Can I be the funeral interrupter? And I'll come out and I'll be like, this is what he really thought of avocados. Yes. Even in death. I don't want you to. You're still contractually obliged. He really thought of avocados. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even in death. I don't want you to. You're still contractually obliged.

Just line my coffin with. I wish I'd eaten more avocados since I choked to death on a carrot. That's my only regret. I'm so sad I'm dead because I can't eat any more avocados. Bury me with avocados. I want to be buried on an avocado farm so I can eventually become a new avocado. In fact, when I'm dead, just put some on my skin so that I look radiant. Yes.

And wash it off. That's great. We're overlooking the fact that Tommy Dassler is also going to a funeral on his birthday. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Well, birth and death, I mean, really. They're so close. I mean, Tommy Dassler's going to a funeral on his birthday.

I mean, first of all, he had to do a podcast on his birthday. What's worse? It's pretty like, and we're doing this like right after Nazeem did a radio thing and right before the funeral. So to like, this is brutal. Like going into the cafe to get a coffee. Not even that, like 10 to 8. Going in and the lady there being been like oh you're up early

just like in comedy standards yes yeah I was going to say this is you're going this is weird this is what normal people do

no I know that's my point people dress like you get coffee at 8 o'clock 8 o'clock people get into a suit and get a coffee at 8 o'clock and the lady at my cafe

is like well what's going on here I had this experience last week because I was at a funeral. It was back in Gippsland and I was dressed nice and went to the cafe near my house. And the wonderful barista, he's like, oh, when you walked in, I thought it was like 2 p.m.

You guys are finally becoming a grown-up. Well done. And then he's also, oh, jeez, you look nice. Titting on you in your funeral gear I'm usually stumbling in there what's nice for you

like are you wearing like rat shit no I mean these are trackies tracksuit pants I wasn't wearing them you didn't have like a nicer set of tracksuits

I was wearing no black slacks black slacks are you saying that she was wearing tracksuit pants to a funeral it's a cultural

she's Italian it's a cultural thing Adidas and stuff like that we wear our black Adidas and stuff like that. We wear our black Adidas three stripes. The couple ones over the stripes. With the buttons,

you know the buttons? Yeah, that's what we wear. The two piece, the two piece trackie. But no, no, no,

I was wearing like black slacks, a nice black jacket and turtleneck because unlike Tommy, you've always, when you're a wog, like you've always

got to have something to wear to a wedding and a funeral in your closet, 100%. You're not a proper Italian, Tommy. If you want to be this godfather, you've got to step up your suit. Well, I reckon more Italian would be to wear the lemon suit to the funeral. Yeah, I think so. With a gold chain.

Exactly. And don't be buttoning that thing up. Sure. Well, yeah, I did think about turning up to the funeral. I could still do this on the way. Would this be too much? Is this too much main character syndrome? To turn up to my uncle's funeral in the suit

with just one of those big six-foot-in-diameter badges that says birthday boy on it. And I'm crying when I walk in. It's still about him. I'm still mourning him. I think it's more embarrassing for my cousins if they then see me and then they go home and they see on Facebook

that it's my birthday and they think oh we saw him and we didn't say anything what about if you go to the reception afterwards and you go up to the catering

there's a cake there you stick a candle in there and you light it and go huh any thoughts I mean it depends on your relationship

like how close were you was he your special uncle yeah you know is this someone that you're related to? Yeah, I'm related to my uncle, yes. Oh, this is your uncle?

Well, I'm not related to him anymore. Sorry, is this your uncle? He gone. Is this your uncle again? Yes. Man, this is full on. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Honestly, there's some tuna in the fridge. Are you sad? I'll crack it open. I'll defrost it. Shit. Let's stick a drip into you I am losing it and your cousin

who's God you're gonna be the God you're also related to the cousin God's son's gonna be there oh yeah he'll be there

wow so I can I can tell him he just got talked about on his first ever podcast yeah I assume yeah

little frisky yeah what was your uncle like light hearted would he find it funny would he find what funny Yeah Yeah A little frisky Yeah What was your Uncle like Light hearted Would he find it funny Would he find what funny If like

Okay If I wore my big Birthday boy badge I think he would have Seen the humour in it Even putting all that aside Right If you don't do any of that

We separately deliver a cake To the caterers right And we're like Hey Can you At 120 Come out with the cake Singing happy birthday It's for Tommy With 120 come out with the cake singing happy birthday

it's for Tommy with a stripper in the cake he really wants it I know it's weird feels like a weird context but like honestly this is they would love it

hey look he didn't choose to have his uncle's funeral on his birthday I said you've distanced yourself you can be all surprised like what the hell's going on it's a funeral guys

this is his birthday every year you chose this day for the funeral yeah and also the other thing is like yeah exactly they chose the day

for the funeral yeah that's on them not other thing is like, yeah, exactly. They chose the day for the funeral. Yeah. That's on them, not on you. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's a Friday. It's a work day.

When are the funerals on Saturday? You never see funerals on a... I reckon they're saving on the venue costs or something. Funerals are during the week, Nat. Are they? Yeah. You're right. You know what?

I never thought of that. Weddings are on the weekend and funerals are during the week. You know why? Not to bum someone out on a Saturday and ruin their weekend. Yeah. And it's like, maybe it's a bit of also like, well, you know, this is very sad, but at least I'm getting out of the office for a couple of days. Yeah.

Silver lining here. What would happen if you get- I'm going to tell my boss to shove it for three hours. Now, that's a good thing. That would be interesting if instead of booking someone to come and interrupt a funeral by going, your account, your account, your account, I'm out. You say your last request is, I want my funeral on Saturday, grand final day. Yes.

You know what? Yeah, that would be great. It's as soon as you can. You don't celebrate grand final. It's a religion and it's the wrong one. You get buried as soon as you can after you're dead. So as soon as the autopsy's done, as soon as you're done, you just get buried.

Osama Bin Laden, straight in the ocean. I mean, that's not even a Muslim thing. But they said it was, yeah, in accordance with the Islamic tradition, we threw him overboard. That's what they do in Italy. That's enough for him, eh? In Italy, they do that too.

They have the funeral like the next day. But that's a mafia thing. That's like something that Tommy should learn about. No, it's not. It's because they don't have... Oh, sorry, sorry. I meant the boat thing. Oh, right, right.

No, it's because they don't have the type of fridges that we have to keep dead people, which is so crazy. You know what I mean? I thought that was a joke and then i realized it's not a joke this is real yeah they don't have cool western houses like we yeah but it is yeah i don't want to get into this too much but why do they keep the but i am getting into it why do they wait a week yeah some people wait two weeks yeah just just trying to fit in

but we've got busy lives busy schedules yeah i wonder if it's maybe a maybe a lot of the time Yeah. Some people wait two weeks. Whoa. Yeah. Just trying to fit in. But we've got busy lives, busy schedules. I wonder if it's maybe a lot of the time it comes down to like the venue booking thing if you want to have it at like a specific church or whatever. Yeah. Actually, that is an interesting job, booking a funeral home where it's like it's all happening. It's like none of it's like, oh, can you fit us in in six months? There's no wedding planner sort of bullshit. It's like this thing is starting to stink. It's happening. Let's like, none of it's like, oh, can you fit us into six months? There's no wedding planner sort of bullshit. It's like,

this thing is starting to stink. Let's get it going. I've got it in the boot. And it reeks. Are you going to church? Yeah. Do you go to the

cemetery as well? Don't think so. What do you mean? Well, there's been a cremation this morning. Oh yeah. And then yeah,

after this. During COVID, he needs to make sure it goes in the ground and make sure the curse has been lifted. I'm a truther. I'm a truther. No, he's not really dead. He's not really dead. My friend saw him.

My friend saw him buying a pool pump in Hawthorne. I knew it. I knew, A, he was alive, and B, he had a pool. I knew it. I knew A, he was alive and B, he had a pool. During COVID, I did these weird Zoom interviews with people that worked at a funeral group. So some of them were groundskeepers, some of them, all the roles involved in running a cemetery.

And I spoke to one guy. Each week, we'd do this video interview and then they'd edit it up and chuck it up so that everyone got to know the staff. One guy I interviewed, he was the cremator guy. And so I was talking to him, I was like, oh. Tyler the cremator. And so I was just talking to him.

And I was talking to him and I was like, oh. Well done. And I wasn't trying to be trying to get into all the cremation top stuff. I was just talking about, you know, what it means for people that he works with and really just getting to know his life story. But because he was talking to a comedian, you know when you speak to people and they go,

oh, you're a comedian, and they try to be real funny, but they just go wrong really quickly. Anyway, he was like, yeah, I'm a cremate. You know, all these really bad jokes. And he goes, I've got one here on the stove ready to go right now. And I was like, oh. And he turns his camera. On the stove?

What? And he shows me, not the person, but like what I think was, like literally, yeah, the coffin. And then he pressed the button, and it goes in, closed the person, but like what I think was like literally, yeah, the coffin. And then he, and, and he pressed, and he pressed the button and it goes in, closes the door and he goes, and it maybe, I can't remember. It was a very short amount of time and it was done. And I was like, well, so I was literally the last person over Zoom to see some. Oh my God.

Spinning the camera around. You're just like, imagine that family knew that like, this was a funny Zoom interview. Yeah. And also he's like doing the interview, like mid. That's great. Getting this guy into the flames. It's good to know you were still getting great gigs during COVID. Yeah, yeah.

Knocked down. Also, that would be good for the family to know. It's like a nice little trivia question. Who was the last person to see special uncle Gary? Yeah. Naz, Nazeem Hussain, the avocados guy. Yeah, I wonder if this will come up. I'll be at the church in like an hour's time

and my cousin will be like, yeah, weirdest thing. We were just watching the cremation happen. But no one was there. All of a sudden there was a laptop in the corner of the room and Russell Brand was on the screen. The avocados man saw someone turn into toast. Yeah, I think that's...

Well, I mean, yeah, you're allowing all this. I think this is the sort of stuff that I think you're okay with so far because you've had your right of reply. We're just making light about avocados. We all think avocados are great. Great, great.

Absolutely. I mean, jokes aside, it's a great food. It is a great food. It's healthy. There's a reason why people are homeless and eating that instead of, you know, getting

a... Right. Stuff like that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, some people could have maybe not as many straight all at once, but, you know, I mean, yeah, that's your choice you're making. It's not a bad one. Yeah.

What if this story about the lady, like, poisoning her family using the mushrooms... What? No. If that had been avocados... Yeah. Would you be like, guys, I'm out? Well, firstly, that wouldn't happen. I'm out.

That couldn't happen. It couldn't happen. Yeah, you can't. No, it's not poisoning. Yeah, would you be like, guys, I'm out? Well, firstly, that wouldn't happen. I'm out. That couldn't happen. It couldn't happen. Yeah, you can't. No, it's no point in an avocado. Yeah, but I'm saying, what if? Unless it was like they died of ecstasy, you know, from having so many. Well, I would suspect it'd be someone from Banana that had poisoned the bananas. Yeah, okay.

So you wouldn't run? You wouldn't flee? We don't run. We don't run. At avocados. No, we do not. We don't run. We don't run. We neverocados. No, we do not. We don't run. We don't run.

We never back down. We never back down. We'll get to the heart of the matter. So you're backing up Avocados. That's great. Now, here's something that you might, and this will be a test for you to see how much you love this. The other night.

Carl, now before you bring up something that seems potentially not going to lie, let me remind you that I'm grieving, so I don't want to do any editing, okay? I'm in mourning. I can't be opening Adobe Audition while I'm in mourning. As per me and Sonia's background. It's the worst back birthday ever. Famously Italians not allowed to open Adobe Audition

in their week of mourning. Also, if you can make a note about 15 minutes ago, Nez said my wife's name. If you could just whip that out. Really? Did I? Sorry, I didn't slip that in. So if you could make a note about 15 minutes ago, Naz said my wife's name. If you could just whip that out. Really? Did I? Did you? Sorry, I didn't slip that in.

So if you could just do a little quick little... No editing, Carl. If you could just put avocado over the top of that. Oh, yeah, sure. Or my special wife. That would be great. It sounds like it is annoying every time you have to say, don't say her name because it's so long.

You just start calling her avocado. Avocado and blanket. My cartoon family. I mean, a lot of people could be called Zhao. Could be called what? I was just pretending that was the name that I meant. Zhao. Imagine a cold man married to a Zhao.

Zhao or female. Okay. I don't know. We don't know those ones. The other night. You cut Ronnie out and suddenly you're just, you're unfamiliar With the entire culture Yes

Yes I've got nothing to say Well if you want me to talk about it I'm sure I'll say something about it The reverse pescatarian Azim Hussain So you become a godfather During the week

You know what I've become During the week What? I've become A drug dealer. Well, technically not because there was no money exchange. There was no money exchange.

You've become a drug gifter. Gifter, yes. You are. Yeah, you can't get me. There's no money being changed here. This, I mean... The other night, the other night we were talking,

we were talking, me and Nazeem were talking and he's got a very long haul trip coming up and he started asking me about my... Heroin addiction. My fondness.

His Viagra problem. He's got a long trip happening up in my head. How do I make it longer? Viagra. Cremation might be the ultimate long haul trip. No, I was basically saying,

you know, I'm going to LA, guys. Yeah, right. And then Vegas. Pilot season. Yeah, well, and anyway, so I was like... At least for the Yeah, right. And then Vegas. Pilot season. Yeah, well. And anyway, so I was like. At least for the guy flying him.

It's 14. Hey. That's not bad. Oh, my God. They're the same word. Holy shit. Whoa. It's always.

Yeah, I mean, they're always in season. Anyway, like avocados, I think. Oh, that's a good joke. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a 14 that's a good joke. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a 14 and a half hour nonstop fly. Yep. Nonstop.

Yeah, I'm not in business class. Yep. I'm in premium economy. Yeah, why are you? Premium economy. But then I was Googling and it's the same leg space. You're doing a corporate over there. You're doing a corporate over there for a very well-loved company.

Yeah. That we love, personally. Are we allowed to say McDonald's? Maccas, yeah. Yeah, McDonald's. Oh, sick. Anyway. And they're not flying you business.

If you owned a few less properties in Braybrook, you could afford business class. Well, it was a long story, but basically, I was going to go with my wife, but she can't now because of work,

so we're going to get two premium economy tickets. It's conflict of interest. Also, I should have spoken to Carl's wife, who now actually doesn't have any sway in that industry does she

no she doesn't damn that's why I'm jet starring it up baby so it's a big sign no well it's Qantas so it's you know but premium economy

doesn't have much leg room and it's you know the only thing you really seem to get is just like wider arm space and that's kind of it I think you get better headphones and the food

you get metal cutlery but that's it so I actually I think you get better headphones and the food, you get metal cutlery, but that's it. So I actually hate... You might not. I still... What can you do? That's the ultimate test, isn't it?

Just looking around. You're the only one with plastic. What the fuck? I'm the only one being hand fed. What the fuck are they doing? They're cutting your food

for you even with the plastic You're in a high chair The bloke in the middle's got box cutters Chop up a steak And you're not allowed They do the aeroplane spoon with me Does everyone in premium economy get a straitjacket?

How come I'm expected to eat my steak with a straw? This isn't fair Why am I getting intravenously? Anyway So I was like Hang on, you want to be buried at sea and you're not even dead? What? Anyway, so it's a long flight.

So I was just like, I hate it. You were inquiring with me about what I do. So I was like, oh, someone was saying I was Googling, blah, blah, blah. Valium seems like a real good thing to do. And on Reddit, they say if you tell your doctor that you're an ornithologist with flying, anxious. And I don't know if not liking waiting for 14 and a half hours is enough of a legit, like without lying. There's nothing. I looked up the flight.

There's no good movies on my flight. Yeah, when you watch a movie or two, then it's just like so boring. I'm just... Anyway, so... Watching movies is almost kind of worse because it's like you know exactly how long they've gone for. You knock off a two-hour, you're still exhausted, and you're like, oh my God, I've got to crush another five of these before I get there.

It's why I don't run listening to songs because you go, there's a three-minute, there's another three... You're on the clock. That's why you just got to listen to November Rain when you're running. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you still know

oh that's a nine minute opus and you finish that song and then you go there's that's only nine minutes down i've got another x amount to go so i mentioned valium yes yeah literally immediately car goes oh god something pulls out his wallet and pulls out a whole stash of value on you at all times i did have a whole stash. A whole stash. Like, what the hell? Ready to go. I couldn't believe it. You never know when you might need to sleep. And you did the whole spiel. Like, you've done that spiel before.

You did the whole, like, you're selling me. No, you know what was funny about it? So I don't do it all the time. I did happen to have it on me. I don't usually have it. You had like 10. You had 10 on you. It did look ridiculous that you brought it up and I immediately pulled out my wallet and said,

I've got these. And so what happened was we start talking about it. You were very keen. We talked about when to take it, before the flight, whether you do it on the way over or the way back or both. We explained it all. But then because it was in the metal wrapping sort of thing, I needed to get scissors to cut them off.

So we go, and I noted this, we went into Spleen and I asked for scissors. And as I was cutting them, we sat next to a random person and we're having this conversation. I'm cutting up and you're going, oh man, this is going to be really good, isn't it? I'm like, man, it's... I was like, I'm so excited.

Yeah, yeah. I kept saying, I'm so excited, man. And I was like, this shit is so good, you'll fucking love it. And he's like watching all of this happen. and you said just take a quarter at a time see how you feel I was like going oh man I had a quarter last night it was fucking great oh my god shit

and they're watching you and you're a well known figure and I'm like we're doing all this drug talk in front of him I thought it was yeah I need to now actually develop anxiety known figure and I'm like we're doing all this drug talk in front of I thought yeah yeah I need to now actually develop anxiety

because that's my that's an actual defense then if I have actual anxiety yeah I was going to say how do you get it oh you got it

you got it you sit down in front of the doctor and start freestyling I reckon they'll I reckon they'll come around yeah play them this

play them this last hour and you get a prescription. The way your brain does not work. Get your doctor to start talking about fish. No, I should ask my doctor. Well, he needs something. You'll be CEO of the company. But I took it home and I told my wife straight away.

Actually, she was asleep. And then I got home at midnight And I was like Oh so I'm like Carl got me Valium And she was like what And I was like Yeah he got me Valium Look it's from Thailand

Now you'll be able to sleep Actually Thailand You can't take What the hell Remember that guy Who didn't invite me to his wedding He's given me drugs

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Yeah I smuggled it in from Thailand I mean Look before you take it Don't smell it The way I smuggled it back in But just So mean, look, before you take it, don't smell it, the way I smuggled it back in. But just...

So she's... I've basically told her, where we've left the conversation is that I'm not going to take it, but I am going to take it because... But she thinks... She's convinced that I will die if I take it. Right. Can you actually give me an insurance?

Because you haven't taken any from... No, one before you go. Yeah, yeah. Give it a try. What, to see if I die before I go? No, just give it a try. You want to go to my funeral? You want to go to my funeral?

You could be allergic to it. You could have a bad reaction to it. Don't say this to him. He's already freaking out. Have a test before you leave. Okay, okay, okay. I was saying this because I gave you two out of my stash in my wallet. And you were saying, can you afford to give me two out of what you got left?

And I was looking at my stash there going, I guess I can afford it. But now that we're in my home, I have quite a bit in my house. So I can give you more. Take a tester. Oh, I actually promised to get you melatonin. I forgot. I just realised.

Because melatonin is a better alternative. Melatonin is good shit. Because Carl, I think he's addicted to it. No. You do talk about it a lot. He takes it pretty much every night. I do have it in my wallet. Do you take it every night?

No, I don't. Every second night? No. Okay. I do have it in my wallet. Do you take it every night? No, I don't. Every second night? No. Okay. I take it as a... Did you not say this to me? I have enough to last me till my next Thailand trip. Is that...

That's in a week, though. That's the thinking of an addict, someone that needs to have enough. Oh, it'll get me through. If you're not addicted, it's like I've got a chocolate bar. When I'm finished, it's done. If my wife rings me at the supermarket and and i say is there should i get milk and she says we've got enough

to last us the rest of the week i then don't go my wife is addicted to calcium but that's but that's a habit and also that's calcium um which you need for bones yes okay the thing i don't know know I'm saying that terminology isn't exclusive to addicts I'm saying I don't have that much

I just I know that about how much I take per week and what we're saying is this is an intervention yeah this is all sounding

very offensive that's why Tom is so dressed up he doesn't have a funeral but also thanks but yeah but also am I supposed to give

all my valium to Naz now this is what this is an inside job anyway that's just a little drug but the appealing thing is that you take it and it's like time travelling because then you wake up and you're in another country

that's pretty great all drugs are great all drugs are fantastic yeah exactly in their i'm not in their own way you just get to fast forward a boring bit and also you not only that you can reset yourself on the way back from la to melbourne and you sleep into your right time zone you're telling me not to take it from melbourne to la that's what i'm telling you yes it works very well on the way back what will happen if i wake up because i've got to go through customs and

that's i'm genuinely i've been interrogated twice for four hours you yeah about going to yemen and in la yeah um and um i just don't want to fail that because of your drugs that's a good point you should look up because some countries you can bring prescription stuff no no it's more just the way it needs to be in the you know it needs to be in the package no i'm just worried about like if i'm in a weird... Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you're kind of out of it. Headspace, zoned out. Well, you're going to be in a weird headspace anyway.

If you're even weirder than this, you might have some trouble. I can turn around. Can I take some to this funeral just in case little God's done and starts firing up? You can have some of Naz's. Slip a mevalium. You can have some of Naz's. You should test it. Have a little dry run before you go, I reckon.

Don't go for the first time on the plane. But you haven't even taken any from that stash. Yes, I have. Like I saw it was a point thing. No, you're wrong. You cut the two on the end. No, you're wrong. Because on the other end.

That's why legitimately. Do you think you're going to be the guinea pig? No, no. I don't think Carl's trying to poison me. This is an experimental value that I made, by the way. In a bathtub in Thailand. Basically, I need a pill tested. I don't have a problem, but I do have it on me now while I'm doing this podcast.

No, I have a bigger problem. I don't have it on me. Where the fuck do they go? Hey, so if you sell me it, then you're a drug dealer. Yes. If you give it to me, I think you're not. He's just a good friend. Yes. No, I'm just one of those guys that gives you that little taste to start with then i start just in terms of like getting arrested or something but no you don't take

a second person takes the money yeah you just kind of like leave it on you leave it on the dresser on the bedside table just happens to find it that wasn't a that wasn't a transaction what happened i did have my wallets gone. Fuck. Fantastic. He's about to go sort this out. Did you mug me on the way home and make me take once I'd forget? He's got the energy of a disgruntled drug dealer right now. He's in little shorts and a big puffer and a hat. It is real.

See, this is addicted energy you were getting right here. No, you asked me if I had it. Just sit down. Put the knife down, Carl. When did you start wearing a bum bag? He needs a Valium. He needs to start wearing a bum bag. Actually, why don't you wear a bum bag?

You have bum bag energy. No, I don't. Come on. Give me that. So they're gone. So they're just gone. Your stash is gone. I must have put it somewhere I forgot.

Yeah. Sounds like that's what's happened. It doesn't sound like this house is kid safe. No. Not at all. That's why he had them in there. Because I took them when I went to bed one night. And then I just had on the bedroom dresser.

But my child will always come up there and be like, yeah, I need to fucking not put that there. And I put it in my wallet, and that's why it was there. Why don't you check her pram? Well, actually, I would go and ask her, but she's been asleep for about 36 hours. You know what they're like at this age. They love sleeping.

When your kid was four, she slept for two days in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, great, great. All right. Well, we'd better leave it there for another installment of the Little Dum Dum Club.

Sonia and Nazeem, thank you for joining us. Thank you. Sonia, you've got gigs coming up all over the place. Yeah, around the country. Yeah. Perth.

That's it. Perth? No, you've got... Perth, Sydney, Brisbane, Cairns. Great, get out there. So you've got gigs to promote. You've got fruits to promote. I've got a kids' book coming out.

I've done... I just realised I've got zero publicity. I've done nothing for it. Part two of Hilarious Hyena. The 1st of September. It's out. I know you've all been hanging for it. It's a kids' book, so this is the demographic.

Yeah, it's the same deal. It's like The Godfather 2. Godfather 2. Just as good as the first one. Please buy it, guys. I have a copy in my house of Hilarious Hyena. It's number one. It's like The Godfather 2 Godfather 2 Just as good as the first one Please buy it guys I have a copy In my house Of Valerius Hyena

It's number one It's under all the Valium That's where he hides it And we need to get you back on Post this US trip To see How you went on the dribblers Oh yes

Contact The Epworth Hospital I don't know Can you put us As your emergency contact Oh Next off. Can you put us as your emergency contact? Next off duty. Can you make a funeral plan before you leave? If you want someone to interrupt.

I'll actually give you my dream kind of run sheet. You've got to close, Sonia. Yeah, alright. Carl has a funeral interrupted. Christine's funeral is standing up. I did this, by the way, everyone. This is my fault. But also, he wanted this to be said.

Apples suck shit. Apples suck shit. Oranges are fucking shit ass. I've got to check the contract to make sure that there's some sort of residual thing for the family. Avocados look after us. I've got no doubt. You want the avocado company to take care of your family after you're gone. Absolutely.

It is like a mafia. Avocados are going to provide. And don't bring flowers. Bring boxes of avocados. Absolutely. Yeah, I'll do that. Absolutely It is like the mafia Avocado's gonna provide And don't bring flowers Bring boxes of avocado Absolutely Yeah I'll do that Don't bring flowers Or cauliflowers

Alright guys Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mate And they've done it again Oh Bernard Bernie He kicked a big one Fun app I presume Yep And they've done it again. Oh, Bernard.

Bernie, he kicked a big one. Fun App, I presume. Yep. That was a week ago. I can't remember. You can't remember whether it was fun or not? I think it was good. Yeah, it was good. I've done a lot of these, Tommy.

Yeah. It's hard to remember sometimes. I don't know if you've done as many as me. But no overall, even just the overall sensation of whether it felt good or whether it felt bad. I said I think it was a good one. It was a good one. Yeah, yeah. I mean, people are listening now.

They can form their own opinions. Yes. But I think the consensus will be that they've done it again. Yes. Good. Yeah, I'm happy. I'm happy with it. I just haven't heard it.

I haven't listened. You know me. I'm very thorough. I like to listen back to the episode and just make sure, quality control. I haven't had time to do that this week. You need an uninterrupted hour. You don't want to be listening to it in segments. The lights darkened, just my own little cocoon where I just get to listen to my voice, your voice.

You go into one of those flotation pods and you just have it piped in. You need all your senses, all your other senses deactivated except for audio. Yeah, I needed all senses just aligned correctly to hear about, I don't know, us talking about anal sex or whatever the fuck we talk about. I think this might have been one of the only ones where anal sex didn't come up. Okay, all right. I could be wrong though. No wonder I haven't listened to it.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Anything right. I could be wrong though. No wonder I haven't listened to it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Anything off the back of it? Anything to clear up? Funeral was pretty good. Oh yeah, was it? Yeah.

Yeah. Went off? Really went off. Yeah. The most line and length funeral you could ever have. Right. You get there. You're in a church.

You sing a hymn. Yep. Two speeches from the family. a poem a priest who never met my uncle gets up and talks about some shit from the bible for 15 minutes did anyone read for some reason did anyone read of them no no one read a them You mean instead of a him Yes Right Singing a them

Yeah That's comedy That is comedy That is old man comedy Yep That is boomer comedy I felt Sam Newman inhibit me Oh yeah

Just inhabit me And then another him On the way out I felt Sam Newman inhibit me. Oh, yeah. Just inhabit me, not inhibit me. And then another hymn on the way out. No one's really – why are we singing hymns, honestly? I don't know. Like you get up, no one is really committing to the singing of them. You know, there's just like that low murmur of people like don't really know what the tune is.

No one really wants to commit to just bashing out Jerusalem in the middle of the church. And then, yeah, just a few sandwiches, little triangles. Yeah, actually pretty good. Classic chicken salad, egg salad in the little mini triangle. Nothing better to me than – we probably talked about this at the time, but chicken and mayo. Oh, my God in mid lockdown um my wife ordered me like such a huge fucking platter yeah a platter of those enough we talked about that i think you did yeah yeah

what like why just as a like a little treat like lockdown treat yeah yeah i think mate i don't know if it was a birthday or something like that but it was like these are the guys that make the best chicken and mayo sandwiches oh right anyway these are the funeral caterers no these are the melbourne cup caterers ah right right the high roller suite and all this sort of stuff so she's like all right we'll do that but of course they don't they don't make one sandwich for you or whatever they make it enough for you know like a party that yeah yeah yeah so within lockdown wow then i wonder if that would be funny if you then had the cops turn up like they oh yeah the caterer's like rat on you and they're like this motherfucker just ordered

100 sandwiches there's no way he's getting through all that himself and then they just turn up and it's me with my shirt off on the balcony drinking a singer and eating fucking 17 sandwiches going just mayo oh yeah running down the chin we've actually had three of these already today

in lockdown yeah yeah yeah this is starting to be the new normal okay we thought this was a good way of busting people but what we're realising is like everyone's lost to their mind yeah we're just

we're just fucking tracking down fuckheads at this point so yep um no good shit um yeah I wouldn't Yeah, we're just fucking tracking down fuckheads at this point. So, yep. No, good shit. Yeah, that's the thing about events like that. If the catering is good enough, all of a sudden you sort of go,

oh, yeah, these things are all right. It's a tough job, I guess, doing the catering for a reception after a funeral because it's never going to really fully go off. You know what I mean? You could have the best food ever. Because it's like. It's never going to really like fully go off. You know what I mean? Like you could have the best food ever. Yeah. People are pretty distracted. Yeah. You're really going to have to do a lot of like.

And it'd be a good sandwich to get that remark at the end of the funeral. Where someone's just. Yeah. Forgotten about their brother dying. Yeah. Coming up and going. Man. Those fucking little ham sandwiches and sausage rolls.

Oh fucking sick. Exactly. Yeah. All right. We're on the clock folks. We've got to record next week's episode right after this. So let's get into it. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

You can support the show, and you can get two bonus mini episodes every week with special guests. Get on it, guys, because, I mean, we say the same thing every week, but there's been a big upturn in people subscribing because we've had some ripper bonus episodes lately. A bunch of people, if you like the last couple of episodes, we generally try and talk to those same people in the bonus episodes. And we've had some very high quality ones where we go, fuck, this should be a normal episode. This should go out.

But then the flip side of it is we should make really good ones for you bonus. The paid ones should be better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in that way, we're doing our job properly. Get on board. We should do a week where we record two eps and whichever is the good one goes on Patreon. What about this?

I mean, this is always brought up to me, but I also think it and I never say it to you. So I'll say it on the air, Tommy. Should we put the normal episode out a bit earlier like all these other fucking podcasts do uh that's a great idea but we're often recording recording it the day before yes yeah well anyway just an idea if we can yeah um all right well look at that well actually the hidden reason there is that then that eats into your uh numbers for potential ad revenue oh does it yeah okay. Well, we won't do that. Yeah.

All right. Fair enough. Well, you just have to have it. Well, instead of getting the new episode two days early, you just get a bonus episode that no one else gets. Yeah, exactly. That's better. That's better.

You're right. Who gives a fuck if you get it a little bit earlier? Fuck whoever brought that idea up before. That's fucking dumb. Yeah. All right. So patreon. That's fucking dumb. Yeah. All right. So patreon.com slash little dum-dum club or just click through on our website.

You can go to our website and you can find things like tickets to Perth in November or our t-shirts that you can grab. Yep. If you are a new listener, guys, if you don't, you know, a bunch of old school listeners have our merch and stuff like that. If you're a new listener, grab some merch let us know how why you got into this show if you're a new listener it's always interesting to see new listeners get on board join we have a you know we're on socials we're on uh instagram facebook even twitter slash x um we got a facebook group on facebook weirdly enough called people Aware of the Little Dum Dum Club.

You can get on there and talk about episodes. If you see something that says Rad Dad on it, you can take a picture of it and then just post it in there and get like a thousand likes because it's a cool thing to do. If you see a bald man with glasses hanging out with a slightly older guy, you can post it and be like, this is Tommy and Carl. Yeah, you can post it and be like, this is Tommy and Carl. Yeah, yeah, you can do that. Or you can just copy and paste whatever fucking Ronnie Chang says this way you can put it in there and go, what do you reckon about this?

And we'll go, oh, that's all right, I guess. Yep. So do any and all of those things, guys. Where were we? And on top of that, patreon.com slash littledonaldcobb. You can subscribe through there. Thank you to everyone who subscribes,

who's perennially subscribing, and the new people, the newer people, people who haven't been read out. This is what we do every week. We say, you know, anywhere between five and one million names. Yeah. And this week we are running short of time, so it might be closer to five than one million.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we might not even get to five. Yeah, maybe not. We might not even get to one at the rate we're going, Tommy. Fucking hell. Two chatterboxes. Yeah, yeah. Two chatty Cathy's.

Like two bloody women shopping, aren't we? Yeah. Hey? Yep. Sort of. Let's do it. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sol Murray Ward. Sol's.

Not Sol's. Just one. Oh. It takes more than one Sol to write Snake Tales. The League of Sol's. Yeah. So this guy maybe just draws the rock. Yeah.

He just draws one of Miss Snake, Lady Snake's boobs. Big tits. Yes. Big old reptile titties. Her big natties. Yeah. Well, you don't know. Are they?

Yeah, I wonder. They don't look too natural to me. I've never seen big tits on a snake before. Yeah, I wonder. We need to ask Sol if it's canon that Lady Snake had a boob job. Is he? Still living in... Thailand?

He was in Thailand, right? Yeah. What's his... Salisbury. I think his last name was. Alan Salisbury, I think. Snake Tales? Oh, yeah, he dead.

Fuck. He's dead? No, wait. What? No, maybe he's not dead. That can't be right. Yeah. I feel like that would have crossed our desk for sure.

Yeah, no, especially since he died in 2004. Okay, there's no way that's right. I think I'm just absolutely... He's still living it up. Yeah. In Copenhagen, just churning it out. Yeah. Yeah, still alive.

Okay. Still alive. I wonder if we can contact him somehow. We've, yeah, this comes up every now and then. Yeah. We should try and contact him. Yeah. It is funny, he was born in Kyabrum in Victoria.

Mm-hmm. It says here he currently resides in Launceston. Oh, okay. So we could have gone and seen him when we've been down there. So he's gone from Thailand to Launceston. Well, there's no record of Thailand, but I'm sure at the time we talked about years ago that he lived in Thailand. Absolutely, yeah. For anyone who doesn't know Snake Tales, look it up.

One of the worst comic strips of all time. Australian comic strip. One of the worst. Absolutely. Maybe the worst. But this guy, this subscriber is not him. No. His name is Sol Murray Ward, and it's hyphenated Murray-Ward.

Yeah, I see this guy on the socials. Do you? Yeah. He's got like a little, I think he's got like a little cartoon character as his profile pic on, maybe it's Twitter or something. So the fact that I see the word Sol and then I'm also looking at a little cartoon, I do instantly, my head goes to Snake Tales. Yeah.

Did you ever have a dream of having a comic strip in the paper oh yeah yeah big time yeah i still do yeah well is this are they even in the paper anymore i don't think they are i don't know i mean i remember going to the states when i was a kid and they had like the comics page was like a lift out that was like five pages it was like massive and like we've never really had that here so i don't know if that still exists in the states doesn't exist here but then it's never existed here so yeah i don't really know it's more of a uh the comic strip is a an american invention so it's more like baseball and jazz oh yeah um so i think it lives on a bit more over there but i think it's also down a bit on its knees like it absolutely is here.

Yeah, I guess maybe you're, I don't know, if you're following like the Mutt's Instagram account, maybe that's where you get new little comic strips every day. Yeah. Or like I remember there was a point where it was like, subscribe, put your email address in, and you'll get the new Robot Man every day. Right.

So maybe it's just turned into that. Yeah. It's a little email newsletter. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. You new Robot Man every day. Right. So maybe it's just turned into that. It's a little email newsletter. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. You cop that every morning? Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's not too bad.

That's the way of you keeping up to date with the one that you really, really like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, these poor cunts. They're just going to have to pivot into something else. Can't get away with that shit. There's no more Charles Schultz on the horizons, I don't think. Yeah, these poor cunts. They're just going to have to pivot into something else. Can't get away with that shit. There's no more Charles Schultz on the horizons, I don't think. Yeah, no, I wonder.

Yeah, you certainly don't hear. I think that the era of a four-panel comic strip morphing into a media empire, I think that's done. I don't think we're ever going to see that again. You're not ever going to be born in Kyab abram make the worst comic strip of all time yeah make enough money over there to retire to thailand yeah then get bored yeah then go you know what's better than more entertaining than thailand yeah lonceston just a young man walking through the bush in chi abram and thinking like seeing a snake and thinking what if that had a huge pair of honkers?

Just a young man in the bush near Kyabrum sitting there with his pants off, jerking his dick to some snake and going, fuck, I wish I had bigger tits. If only I could motorboat this snake. I'd be the happiest man on God's green earth. My poor limp dick trying to fucking jerk off to this fucking wannabe lizard over here. If only that had a couple of double Gs on it. It is pretty funny to imagine this old man sitting in like a really rustic cafe just on the beach in like Copenhagen. And he's got the like, he's got the like parchment and quill out.

And you're like. You're still doing it old school. Yeah, yeah. And you're the like, you're the guy that works there and you're just like bringing him a curry. And you just look over his shoulder and he's drawing a naked Aboriginal man and a snake with gigantic tits

and being like, I don't know what this guy does, but he's in here every day doing these weird drawings. Now, this is, we talked years and years ago about like buying a bar in Costa Mui or something like that, right? Now, this would be a fucking great bar.

This is what happens. Sol's. Yep. Snake Tales, the bar. It's like the Edamoga Pub. Yes. But it's about Snake Tales and it's in Thailand. No, but it's this.

So, Sol's is the guy. He lives out the back or whatever it is, whatever it takes. He draws Snake Tales live in the bar every day. Oh, he's got his studio out the back. No, he's in the bar drawing it. Yeah, right. So, then you go in for a beer or lunch or whatever it is, and it becomes a thing where you just get tourists coming in,

getting pissed and leaning over his shoulder and going, make him bigger. Hey, Souls. Yeah, yeah. What about if Snake fucks are up the ass this week what do you reckon about that and that just that's just the bar i mean honestly if you've been doing a comic strip for that long that probably actually would be helpful you know it's like anything that gets popular where they'll be like please don't send us any unsolicited simpsons

scripts you know we're not opening we're not even opening the envelopes you know we don't want to be accused of like ripping off your dumb idea or whatever yes and we know what we're not even opening the envelopes. You know, we don't want to be accused of like ripping off your dumb idea or whatever. And we know what we're doing here. We've got the most popular show on TV. But then, yeah, you do it for longer and longer and longer. And some drunk coming up and being like, make Homer gay. You probably are like, oh, we actually haven't done that one before.

That's actually really helpful. So they should animate The Simpsons in a bar as well in Thailand. But I imagine like yeah early days of snake tales souls would have hated that this idea yeah but now i imagine you'd be like 50 years this could reinvigorate the strip yes yeah yeah like he's because you read garfield now and it's like garfield takes three steps and then he looks on the ground and he goes oh i guess i'm grounded yeah it's like what well but? But if Jim Davis was in a bar and it was like, hey, John Roots Garfield, he'd be like, all right, you've got to keep it fresh.

Garfield, I hate Mondays, but I love cock. Exactly. All right. I mean, look, he's done everything else at this point. The popularity of the strip is fading. It's 2023. All of a sudden, you know, if you see one of your much-loved comic strips all of a sudden feeling like it's been written by a bunch of drunk australians on holidays yeah someone has ripped

off this idea are we tapping into like you know there's that period of like the mid 90s where they i think the looney tunes were the most guilty of it where they're like we need to reboot the looney tunes and you know there's all those t-shirts where it's like the Looney Tunes were the most guilty of it where they're like, we need to reboot the Looney Tunes. And there's all those T-shirts where it's like the Looney Tunes are wearing baggy jeans and they've got their hat on backwards. The real 90s Tude thing of just bringing these characters into the modern age. So what we're proposing is the modern day now version

of that is making them gay and horny. Just giving them the humour of a bunch of Australians on holidays. No, Garfield needs to be bi-curious to keep up with the 2023 audience. All right. Yeah, I like it. I genuinely think someone writing Snake Tales everyday live, like in a bubble style, is a funny idea.

Yeah. And you can come in and see it. Yeah, like Regurgitator doing that album. But instead of it being at Fed Square and normal people just having a gander. It's super remote. It's in a bar in Thailand where it's nothing but fucking idiots in there yelling stuff at this poor cunt with a fucking quill. I mean, writing comics does seem like if you're not in it, it's an industry that,

like a lot of things, if you want to do it, it's difficult to break into. From the outside, you're like, how do I get into that? But if the answer was as simple as, like, you've just got to save up for the airfare, go to Thailand to this one bar, and just talk to this guy while he's drawing the strip that day, and then you'll have a hand in making it.

It's like, that'd be cool. Then I can say, then that's like that'd be cool yeah then i can say then that's like you know that's how i got my foot in the industry yeah yeah how did you start being a cartoonist on me well i was in costa milia i was in this bar called snake tales yeah and i went up to this guy with a pen and i said i'll shout you a singer if you put a big dick on that snake yeah this snake has big tits but what if the other one had a huge cock? Yeah. And then that's how I became the new Matt Groening. Yeah.

That'd become canon because the next day he didn't have a big dick and everyone wrote in to the Herald Sun and said, what happened to the big dick? Yep. Did Mandrake, who's above him, did he make it disappear? Yeah. Or what's going on here?

Did Hagar the Horrible chop it off? All right. Well, thanks, Sol. Thanks, Sol. Maybe we should only do one this week. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, we can't be this funny every time. Sorry, guys who are coming up.

Oh, man. Yeah, we got to. I also had a big coffee and then a big spicy bowl of noodles just before you got here. So I'd love to factor in a big shit before our guests get here as well. Oh, yeah. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Dave Jankovich. Dave Jankovich.

Or Jankovich. Dave Jankovich. Well, it's a J, so I should say Jankovich. Weird Dave Jankovich. Yes. Weird Dave Jankovich. Now, this is a- Weird Dave Jank my dick.

Yes. Now, that's weird. Yeah. All right. Now, this guy- I actually, you know what? This guy works in a bar in Thailand and he writes song par dick. Yes. Now that's weird. Yeah. All right. Now this guy. I actually, you know what? This guy works in a bar in Thailand and he writes song parodies and they're inspired by whoever's drunk next to him.

Yeah. I've got to say, I actually don't think Weird Al is that weird. You don't? I don't. Why not? Well, he hears songs and he just thinks of funny lyrics to them. Yeah, but that's... Isn't that weird?

I don't think that's that weird. Well, I mean, I think it's weird to change the... Like, they're already very successful songs. Why would you change that? That's a bit of a weird idea. Why would you change that? They're very famous and popular songs. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Maybe, I mean... To fix something that's not broken is a bit weird. But it could be... I mean, I kind of feel like you're giving him the benefit of the doubt. What if he's just thinking that he's actually singing the songs, but he just misheard all the lyrics? Well, look, I posit this. That's weird too.

What if that was his big – That's weird hearing. What if he admits that on his deathbed? He's like, I haven't rewritten any of those songs. I thought I was doing straight covers. I thought I was doing covers, and I thought that's what the lyrics were. I thought the song was called Fat. Yeah.

doing covers and I thought that's what the lyrics were. I thought the song was called Fat. Yeah. I thought the 43 kilo Michael Jackson was dancing around a car park. Yeah. Singing about fat people. Yeah. Yeah.

Saying he's fat. Exactly. And I was like, that's so weird. I can't help but sing. In my head, I saw that be that successful. And so I thought I'd just put out a straight cover. Exactly. Immediately afterwards. I've never really understood why people call me weird.

I'm just trying to be a crooner. That makes more sense because the film clip of Fat is him being very fat in the film clip. Yeah. So he's listened to the song he thought was called Fat, but Michael Jackson's very skinny in the film clip and gone, well, you've fucked this. You're singing about one thing. Yeah.

And you're showing a visual image of something completely different. Yeah. So I'll fix this. I'll make the appropriate. Exactly. Yeah, film clip. Now I should point out, just before we get a million emails about this, that I am aware, as we've been saying this,

that this is kind of parallel thinking to the Weird Al parody biopic movie that came out like a year ago with Daniel Radcliffe. Okay. So I'm aware, okay? Okay. What happens in that? Parallel thought. Well, in that he's like, they're all originals that he's writing.

Oh, okay. So he's not parodying anything. Okay. He's just doing like, my bologna is just him seeing a bologna sandwich and writing a song about it. Oh, he's not. So like my Sharona doesn't exist in that world. Yeah.

And then I'm just going to ruin a joke in the movie. There's a bit where he's done Eat It and then he gets this bad news. He's like, this Michael Jackson guy, he's done a parody of your song Eat It. Oh, great. And it's called Beat It. And he's like, what? That's not even, what's it about? And he's like, news. He's like, this Michael Jackson guy, he's done a parody of your song, Eat It. Oh, great. And it's called Beat It. And he's like, what?

That's not even, what's it about? And he's like, I don't know. It's about fighting or not fighting. And he's like, it doesn't even sound funny. Now people are going to think that my song's silly. Good film. Check it. I recommend checking it out.

What's it on? I don't know if it's on any of the streaming things. You might have to rent it. Or maybe it's on Paramount+. I can't know if it's on any of the streaming things. You might have to rent it. Or maybe it's on Paramount+. I can't remember. Okay. I weirdly watched, I've already seen the movie, but I watched a clip, a couple of clips.

I went down the rabbit hole last night and watched a couple of clips of Yesterday, the movie. Oh, yeah. Now, that's one of those movies I reckon like, what was that one we were talking about a couple of weeks ago? The South African sci-fi movie from about 10 years ago. District 9? District 9.

Yeah. It's just been forgotten by history a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fill in. I'm just going to shut my dog up. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Anyway, I was watching the movie yesterday in little bits and pieces.

You know when they chop it up and they go, here's yesterday clip 5 out of 13. And'm like okay i'll watch that yeah yeah you but you've actually seen i have seen the full movie i have seen it i've never seen it i've seen like 10 minutes of it in a hotel when it was just on free to air yeah and the little bit i saw was one of the dumbest things i've ever seen in my life it's's him and Ed Sheeran having a song write-off. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's each write a song right now. And it can't be one we've already got in the chamber. Right.

What I think is funny is that there's a scene where he goes to find John Lennon who's still alive because, you know, because the Beatles never existed. He's just some dude. He never got assassinated because he was no one. Right, so the band The Beatles never existed, but those four guys do exist. Yes.

Okay. Yes. And for some reason, most of popular music still exists despite it being at the fucking crux of everything. I know. I know it's very pedantic, but it's like there's just no way there's a famous Ed Sheeran without a Beatles. Well, the Rolling Stones exists without the Beatles,

which is like, well, that's the easiest one to discount probably. Not only were they very influenced, they gave them a song to fucking blow up with. And I know that's a thing where people are like, oh, you know, that's not the point of the movie, just go along with it. But it's like, that's the way more interesting premise is to go, well, what does happen if there's no Beatles?

Well, I mean, it does set up a funny joke joke which is he looks up the rolling stones on wikipedia it still exists he looks up oasis they do not exist oh that's good so that's fine i like that yeah okay but the scene that happens is he goes to see john lennon you know and he's just visiting an 80 year old at the beach yep and john lennon is 80 years old. Mm. And he's played by the guy that plays Begbie in Train Spotting. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's just done up like an old John Lennon, which is, I don't know, it just feels funny to me. Like.

Yeah. If you had to give me a million choices of who's going to play John Lennon, it's like, oh, that fucking insane cunt from Train Spotting. They should have got, what's that scene in the Walk Hard movie where it's like the beatles and it's like paul rudd jack black oh yeah it's like four of those guys yeah and they're all just like doing bad accents and going like we're the beatles just saying that again and again and again yes they should have got whichever one of those guys is playing john lennon in that yes bring him back for this. Yes. They didn't. But thanks, Dave Yankovic. Thanks, Yankee.

Dave Yankovic. He was requested by his friend. I can't remember what his friend's name was, but Dave got another guy, another listener, into the show, and then Dave has subscribed forever, but then his mate had subscribed relatively recently, and then his mate got read out before Dave. I love that.

I love that. So here's Dave. Hey, you've waited all this time, and look what mate got read out before date. I love that. I love that. So here's Dave. Hey, you've waited all this time. And look what you got out of it. That wasn't bad. Yeah. It was no, you know, it was a continuation. You know, I like the idea of the song parodies being made up in the bar.

Yeah. In a bar next to, maybe this is a complete street in Thailand somewhere. You go, like, because it's a concept street. You know, you've got Chinatown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is. Fuck Whit Lane. Yeah. somewhere you go like because it's a concept street you know you got chinatown yeah yeah this is um fuckwit lane yeah just just a whole street where you can sit next to an artist composing something and get really drunk and go no no no no what if um there was calm in that one yeah you can just drunkenly suggest something terrible and it happens yeah and it can probably happen yeah yeah

i like that all right i reckon the rest of these, we've got to fill out the rest of Fuckwit Alley. All right, okay. We've got to work out what the other concept stores along this street. I like it. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Anthony Wodchick. Anthony Wodchick. Let's say that's what it is.

It's W-O-J-C-I-K. What do you think? W-O-J-C-I-K. Yeah. Wodchick. Wodchick. Let's say that's what it is. It's W-O-J-C-I-K. What do you think? W-O-J-C-I-K. Yeah. Wadchick. Wadchick. Yeah. Think so?

Wadchick. Wadchick. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's a settled science. I always think like anyone like a Steve Wozniak where you just go, you must have been wrapped to get famous where all of a sudden just everyone knows how to pronounce your name.

You know, a name that if you were just a guy and people saw it on your driver's license you must have had so many years of people being like what's it what cause yeah but then it's like if you become a big enough dude it's like thank god those days are over well it's about to happen to anthony wadchick yeah because um he's going to be part of a very infamous street in thailand so what's this street be part of a very infamous street in Thailand. So what's this street? Is this like a just you learn how to pronounce people's names? What happens here?

Is it like a, yeah, I don't know. Is there like a board up with names on it? Maybe this guy's like Mark Anthony Wadchick. So he's like a singer. He's doing regular songs. Okay. Maybe. Is this?

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, all the other ones are like you're helping write parody songs, you're helping write snake tales. This guy's got like a, yeah, hard to pronounce. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what we could have this. I think we went too early after two examples.

Yeah, we really got greedy. Yeah. I was really feeling that bit of riff magic in the air. Yeah, yeah. And then this guy. I mean, you know, look, not every shop in Australia can be successful. There's always shops that close down and whatever. Yeah, okay.

And that just happens to be, this happens to be a shop that's probably not going to kick off. So this is like a, so this is a bar where it's like you come in and- You try and pronounce Anthony's last name. Yep. It's called Anthony's Bar. You go in there and he's got his last name written up on the wall. And if you guess how to pronounce it properly, you get a free beer. Okay.

Yeah. I was going to say it could be a bar where you come in and you've just encountered a name that you don't know how to pronounce and then you troubleshoot with the other people both of them are bad and exactly what we're saying this place will close down within a couple of months so either either one of them it could even be both yes yeah maybe that'll make it close down even quicker yeah it's too muddied yeah too mud muddied and both bits of the mud are dog shit. Yeah, exactly. I've got dog shit in them.

You're like, you think you're jumping in a nice fun mud puddle and it's actually diarrhea. Yes. Dog diarrhea. Yes, yes. This is going to be there for a very short amount of time. Yeah. When you walk in, it's such a bad explanation.

You're like, should I go and suggest a third tit on Lady Snake next door? No, no, no, come in here. Someone's firing. No, come in this one. And what's the idea again? Oh, I don't know, something about pronouncing names. Yeah, this guy doesn't know how to pronounce this name. It's got like a Z and then a Y and then there's like a couple of Cs in there.

Or if you don't like that, We can pronounce another name or something like that There's this name there You could try and pronounce that And you might get a free drink Or whatever you want Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Just come in and we'll work out something

Like we'll If you have a bad idea We can incorporate that as well Yeah, and you're like Oh, yeah, okay I guess I mean Lady Snakes get in a fourth tit as we speak I mean, I'd much rather come over Yeah No, no, no, no, no, okay, I guess. I mean, lady snakes get in a fourth tit as we speak.

I mean, I'd much rather come over there. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But you have to imagine the Weird Al bar and the Snake Tales bar are just ramped. Yes. So it's like maybe you just go into this one and you're like, I want somewhere that I can hear my friend. I don't want to be anywhere too busy.

I don't like crowds. Yes, yes. I can at least get a table here. You just want to get served. It's not the best place. Yes. Yeah. It's like you're not even into the concept lucky.

Yeah. Anyway, thanks, Anthony Wodjic. Thanks, Logic Wodjic. Yes. That's something. Rhymes with logic. It does. There's your money worth.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Owen Clare. Owen Clare. Owen Clare. Yeah. Interesting. It is. Yeah. Yeah. What sort of shop can you see in our little street for Owen Clare?

Oh, yeah, sure. Owen Clare what? What? What are you owing Clare? Oh, okay. Right. So we have someone called Clare sitting there. Clare's the bartender. Clare's Oh, okay. Right. So we have someone called Claire sitting there. Claire's the bartender.

Claire's the bartender. Right. And yeah, people just come in who owe her things. No. No, I think the really, again, now we've got two shit shops in the street. Okay. So owing Claire, you're ordering a beer and then you have to guess how much the beer is. How much do you owe Claire?

Yeah. How much are you owing Claire? That's the concept. That's the high concept of this bar. You have to guess how much the beer is. Yeah, okay. And if you get it right, you, what, have to pay that amount. Yeah.

No. You know what? Let's say, let's make it slightly more interesting. If you guess the exact price, you get it for free. Well, that's really interesting because then by guessing it correctly, you've actually been wrong because it's cost you nothing. Oh, well, there we go. Well, this sounded like a bad idea.

This is like the fucking tap out the front of the Ripley's Believe It or Not music. Oh, what's going on there? This is good. This is good. This is a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Yeah. Wrapped in a fucking singer. So this is all in Thailand.

So this happens like first customer comes in. What am I owing Claire? Yeah. Okay. Well, you guessed whatever, $10. Yeah. Well, you're right. So you get it for free.

Oh, but also now you're wrong. So do we give you the beer for free or not? Yeah. I don't know what to do. Is that the way that they get out of give you the beer for free or not? I don't know what to do. Is that the way that they get out of ever giving anyone a free beer or not? Or is this a – I guess it's maybe what if you guessed that it was free? Maybe then you're right.

I don't know. No, because they're not free. But you're still not. You've still got that price. Damn, this is good. Yeah. This is a good riddle. This is a little Chinese finger trap bar.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, this is a good concept. Yeah, This is a good riddle. This is a little Chinese finger trap bar. Yeah. Okay. Okay. This is a good concept. Yeah. Yeah. It's very confusing. I don't know if it's good to sell to anyone.

No. But. And it's not as bad as the one before. Yeah. So it's like there'll be people in there. Cool. Because, yeah, there'll be people in this bar trying to game the system and get their free beer. If you go, if there was a shop in a street that says, if you guess the price of your

drink, you get it for free. Yep. You're going in that shop. You're going in that shop. But then once word gets around, like it's actually not as easy as you might think. Yeah. Because you create this conundrum. It's no, it's no crossword.

It's no word find. It's a cryptic crossword. And people, people who love riddles and all that sort of stuff, they flock to it because they're like, there must be, there must be a way of beating this and actually getting the free beer. Yeah, this is the alcoholic's escape room. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Well, I think that's good. I think that sits really nicely alongside the Snake Tales bar, the Weird Al Yankovic bar. What was the – oh, the how to pronounce this name bar. Fuck, isn't that a stinker in hindsight? What am I paying? But no, we need – like you're saying we need two bad ones. I don't think they – we don't want them equally bad.

There needs to be one absolute bottom rung. Yeah, you can't have all 10 out of 10 shops. It just doesn't – it's not realistic. Yeah. Even if you tried to do that, it wouldn't end up like that. So let's just – most shops plan to realistic. Yeah. Even if you tried to do that, it wouldn't end up like that. So let's just, let's just, most shops plan to succeed.

Yes. In this street, for some reason, we control the whole street. And we're even, we're not trying to get 10 out of 10s because it's not realistic. Yeah.

We're just planning on failing some of them. Yeah. Well, because we want to drive people to, we want to make the other ones look good by comparison. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're making heaps of money off the other ones these are just adding to their their value yep um this is like the you know the street i live in this is the fucking water pump oh yeah yeah yeah absolutely that's what this is yeah um should we just have a pool pump shop in the mix as well yeah yeah yeah a pool pump bar no i don't think so anyway thanks owen claire thanks owen claire let's just do one more. One more shop on the street.

Let's do it. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, Pool Pump Shop Comedy. Wow. Wow, okay. Okay, well, there it is. So two Pool Pump Shops. Oh, really?

I was just thinking that could be a comedy shop. Oh, sure. Because we've already got the Pool Pump Shop, and then next to it we've got the comedy shop. Yeah. i mean sure it's called pool pump comedy yeah but we could just have the pool pump shop in brackets yeah yeah yeah so it's silent yeah yeah yeah so you can't really pronounce that bit yeah all right well thanks everyone little dumdumclub.com get tickets to the perth show uh get on the patreon get the two bonus episodes per week. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.