The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 675 - Scott Dooley & Harley Breen

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

It's the return of the Dream Team SCOTT DOOLEY and HARLEY BREEN! Tommy's hot off a huge weekend of gigs where he's been harassed at every turn, Harley's moved to Queensland, and Dools has some big life news for us! Also, we take umbrage with Dools' recent turn as an author, Karl's had a bespoke dining experience in Hungry Jacks, PLUS a little bit of Cancer Corner! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Scott Dooley and Harley Breen. The Little Dum Dum Club is on Patreon. If you would like to support the show, we really appreciate it. And to show our appreciation, we give you two bonus mini episodes per week. Head to littledumdumclub.com for the links to that and other stuff we've got going on. We'll talk to you more in the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this new one with Scott Dooley and Harley Breen. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy D'Acelo. I'm with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today live via satellite, two very special guests. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Harley Breed and Scott Dooley. The two entertainment capitals of the world, New York and Brisbane.

I think we'd call this the return of the A-team because the last time we were together, I believe one of you, not going to point fingers or use the word that you guys won't let me use, but one of you told me a very specific style of story that's usually just for people who are in some kind of hospice care. Was this

a story about me being on a hypothetically being on a talent show that's in one of the Oceania countries. Yeah, yeah. I believe it was. Specific sets of skills that are above the average man. Wow. So I think finally, I think I'm legally allowed to say, I'll admit it to you guys, this is exclusive.

That was me, I actually went on Australia's Got Talent. I can't admit that now. The statute of limitations has run out on that story. It's about 10 years, so yeah. I can confess that's actually what happened. Daily Mail, you're welcome if you're listening. I honestly thought you were the fat one off the block. I didn't realise.

Well, now that we can be specific, let's just tell the whole story again and relive the good times. Let's just insert the whole episode and take out the word hypothetical that we had. A story that should have taken three minutes that went for an hour, just because we could not stop laughing at the next level ridiculousness of you not gotting any talent. Go back and check it out, guys. It was about eight years ago or something stupid, but it was a very funny episode.

So, yeah, fuck, I forgot. I should have brought something equally as good. I should just walk out now into traffic and try and get something equally as fucked in the head. Well, you were on The Masked Singer last week. Isn't that why you wanted me to get Harley and Doolz together? Because, you know, you've done it again. That was me under that horrific mask.

Yes, I was, Husey. Yes. Yeah, you shat yourself in the lobster suit. Weren't we going to get into that? That sounded like good stuff. So, yeah, we do have you beaming in. Dules, you're still in New York. Harley, you've made the big move up to Queensland.

Yeah, mate. I did the road trip. I say this, right. I did the road trip. I say this, right. I moved 21 years ago. I moved from Brisbane down to Melbourne, and I had two bags. That was it. That's what I moved to Melbourne with. And then 21 years later, I left with a fully loaded container and a fully loaded wife.

I am about to get my fourth child. What an idiot. It's nice of you to pack that fourth child. You didn't leave it down here in Victoria or anything. I packed that right in there. Does the kid have dual citizenship now because it was conceived in Melbourne and will be born in Queensland? Is it able to just freely move between the two?

I love, Tommy, that you think you know where I fucked my wife, but it was actually in Queensland. Wait, is Queensland a euphemism for vagina? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah. Have you been to Queensland? Of course it is. It's the greatest place on earth.

It has a wet season. It's fourth, cunt, so it does work. Oh, yes. Yes, it gets dark when you're in California. No irony. We're about to enter into an El Nino period. But yeah, you were telling me... Well, we could have just had you on the podcast a week ago when you lived in Melbourne,

but now that you're in Queensland, now we've got to get on fucking Zoom. Jesus Christ. We've got to wait 15 minutes for Triple M to rig up the recording studio over Zoom for you. Imagine recording audio content up there. Fuck, it's pretty hard apparently.

We've got to put up with it though because now we can finally get Harley Breen on the podcast. There was just no other way. There was no other way in which we had to have asked him last Wednesday. I had more problems connecting and I'm in a multi-million dollar radio station, and you guys are just there on some fucking laptops with some microphones that you've definitely dropped all sorts of liquids in, and you were fine.

Yeah, exactly. I didn't realise you were at work, because we're on Zoom. I didn't realise you were at work, Harley, and I was like, God, shitting with the door I've been doing pretty well. Look at this. He's got this real Will Anderson.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Yeah, my podcast Shitting with the Door I was going so well that I put this studio with people working in the background at my house.

He's got a staff on. It's going really well. He's got a bloke with glasses. He's not very good, admittedly. He couldn't get it working. Yeah, you can even afford a bloke with glasses. Fuck him. He must be nice. He's not very good, admittedly. He couldn't get it working. You can even afford a bloke with glasses. Fuck him.

He's got that bloke with glasses money. Well, Dools, you're right into your AFL footy. I regularly see you at this time of year posting a photo on Instagram of your laptop in a darkened room at three in the morning, watching your team play in the finals at the moment. This happened to me the other day. I was on the way to a gig on Thursday night and I got into the Uber and the Uber driver had Triple M on listening to the footy. Good boy.

And it was like 10 minutes into the game and I sat down next to him and the driver looked me up and down and then changed the radio station from the footy on Triple M to Joy FM. Which is a gay station in... And you gave him five stars too, didn't you? He was dropping you at Weddon Wellington to be fair.

Yeah. But like, it's like it was the first game of the finals. My team was in it. This is, like, where the fans, like, active. This is, like, the most, you know, I've ever wanted to listen to it. But I just said nothing. I was just like, oh, this is too funny. I'm just going to cop this.

Oh, Kylie, nice. Yeah, exactly. She's playing Shinner Half-Bored for Melbourne now. She's nice. Where are you off to? I'm just going to cop this. Oh, Kylie, nice. Yeah, exactly. She's playing shithead for Melbourne now, isn't she? Where are you off to? I'm going to a comedy gig. I didn't know Joel Creasy was playing. Again, mate. Oh, duels you like this as a football fan. So we've had a big weekend up here in Queensland. The Broncos won their game on the Friday night. Then the Lions won their game on the Saturday night. And so different codes.

But we've been running today with the fact that it's now Go Bryans here in Brisbane because the Broncos and the Lions are up. Go the Bryans. Fuck, it's good radio content. Jeez, it's good. That's great. That's the kind of stuff that the human brain can come up with at 4 a.m. when it's really activating on three and a half hours sleep.

That's the kind of gold that tumbles out. How long until there is a Monty Python sound effect used in a promo of like, he's just a naughty boy. Already been talked about. Already been talked about. It's on the whiteboard. We put it on the whiteboard that's why you got to get out of that studio at 11 o'clock sharp they're getting the promos all

cut up and ready to that's right ready to send out so that happens to me in the uber then i get to the gig i'm hosting the gig i've done one bit it's gone well i start up second bit this is very top of the show and i go like the start of the bit is me going, so against the odds, I'm in a relationship. And a guy in the crowd goes, what's his name? Yes. The odd one too. There's something in the air tonight. Hang on.

Hang on. Harley's the one in Queensland and this is happening to you in Melbourne? Yeah, exactly. Did you do some sort of swap over with an Uber driver and an audience member, Harley? Did you send one of them down here? Well, it's one in, one out. That's the rule, right?

You shouldn't have pissed in that fountain during an electrical storm with that Uber driver. What a cracking reference. It makes sense, though. That's weird. That's great. Yeah, it's like, how do you come back from a heckle when you're like, in your head, you're just like, fuck, that's awesome.

Like, that's something I would say to a mate. I can't be mad at this. Like, you don't want to set a precedent. But I literally just did go, because a few people in the crowd were like, oh, and I just went, God, that's awesome. I just told the story about the Uber. I was like, what's going on tonight? I'm just getting it from all angles.

It's dangerous gig precedent, though, if someone gets a little funny, good-spirited heckle in, and that person thinks, they're here for me now, and they start trying to you know get in get in on the laughs but i mean when you when you got home and you took off your sequined dress you must have really wondered why were they picking on me tonight yeah yeah yeah while i was staring at my framed photo of liberace and batting off over it i was like what a weird night i think it was i don't think this was the same night. Batting off over something framed is quite good. I like that. That's why I got it framed.

This is my special wanking picture. That's right in place in my house. I don't want the edges of it to get curled. Keep it out of the sun so it doesn't fade. I think it was the next night at the same... I can't jerk my dick to anything that's sepia tone. I want the colours vibrant on this picture. The next night at the same... I can't jerk my dick to anything that's sepia tone. I want the colours vibrant on this picture.

The next night at the same club, these guys had gotten pretty loaded over the course of the show and in the second bracket you could sort of hear them up the back

sort of just chatting to each other, a bit unruly but also just like that thing where it is like don't engage these guys because they're just going to be more trouble than they're worth

and it gets to the very end of the gig and they haven't piped up. And then as I'm wrapping up the show, I'm like, anyway, yeah, you know, check the website, come back, you know, round of applause for everyone you've seen. Thanks and see you next time. And like, as I'm walking off stage, one of the guys goes, yeah, bye, you loser. Has timed it perfectly. Yeah, got me, got me. Has timed it perfectly.

Got me. Got me. No right of reply. It's done. That sucks shit. It doesn't. That is the thing. It's like in his head, he's like, well, this isn't a good zinger.

But if I save it for the very end of the show. Because what can happen? You come back on stage and go, well, actually. I'm really cool. as you've seen. Carl will know this story, and you should have pulled an Anthony Morgan on it because someone tried that at a room that Carl ran a million years ago, tried to get the last word in on Anthony Morgan. And those who don't know Anthony Morgan or what he looks like and the size of the man,

look him up. He's not a huge bloke. And this guy walks on stage to try and get the last word, just like that guy did to you. And Anthony Morgan ragdolled him into a speaker that was hanging from the roof and knocked him out. Yeah, and he fell off stage. Kind of like you, Tommy.

Kind of like you. Is Anthony Morgan the original Shooter Williamson? That's some real... Hot reference. That's why I love checking in with Doolz, just finding out that he is keeping intimately abreast of all the Australian comedy goss. Very specific references.

It's just Doolz and he's working remotely at the M&M World in Times Square and just refreshing all the Australian comedy news. I've got the blue M&M working for me. Get me Frenchie on the line! No, that's a good idea, Harley. I should have gone and bashed that guy, but I was late to go meet my friends at the Peel, so I had to get out of there.

That's very funny you bring that up, Harley, because that was the night he did this, and that's 10 years ago or something, and he was doing two gigs for me. That was the first night, and the second morning, on the morning of the second day, I emailed his management to go, look, this is what happened. He knocked some guy out last night. He's booked for tonight. Look, all I'm asking is at minimum, can you guarantee he doesn't do that again tonight?

And they respond, no, we can't. Which I think is fair enough. What's been missing from comedy in Australia from a long time now is some physical violence. You know, like when people go out for a laugh, they want to see someone knocked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's like that is when you and I started, Harley. It was like, yeah, people would just like, every gig would be, the drink tickets would just be absolutely wiped out. And now it's like everyone who starts comedy in 2023, they've got like a five-year plan ready to go for their first open mic. Yeah, they're like,

I don't want to drink because I could wobble my camera for my TikTok shooting. Everyone's backstage saying, hey, what's your fake name on Facebook? Because I don't want people finding me. I'm too famous. I've done three open mic spots. Hey, what's your story if someone in an Uber asks what you do for a living? Just say you're a comedian.

You're not special, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, man, I've got my Domi Tassolo account ready to go. He actually does. If it ever works out for me 20 years into the biz, I'm going to be ready to hide from all the stalkers. Mr. Wang, present and accounted for. Yeah, you are actually.

You've got it. You've got the fake name. Yeah, yeah. I think that's just what you want your name to really be. Yeah. Yeah, Harley Wang. It's not that anymore. So, you know, whatever.

Go and find me. Yeah, it's really hard to find me now. I'm Breen Harley. Whoa. A switcheroo. Nice. Well, I was coming home from a gig the other night, speaking of, and I did the old Hungry Jacks at 11pm.

Oh. Yeah, and went went through that's a good fake facebook name hungry jack yeah jack hungry that's what he goes under that's what he goes under on facebook i don't want the fans to be able to message me about the whoppers don't say any more names because one of harley's bosses is going to come in and go, could you work Brian in there somewhere? We're just going somewhere. Hungry Brian. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to go to Hungry Jack's at 11 o'clock on the way home from a gig, and I went, I'm a goer-innerer.

I want to go into the shop. I'm not a drive-through guy. I want to go in there. You know, when you've got a restaurant as plush as Hungry Jack's, you don't want to waste it. You want to go in there and sit down. The drive-through is too much pressure. I want to stand in there and sit down. The drive-thru is too much pressure. I want to stand in front of the menu.

I want to kind of take my time, work out what I want. Because they're always refreshing the menu. Every time you go in there, it's so different. So you should really get in there. What's the special today? What's that? What's the soup of the day, guys? When you look at it on the board and it says the Angry Angus Burger

and then in the price it's just got market price, it's like, sorry, guys. How much was the Wagyu today? Yeah, I was going to get the fillet of fish. I was like, we haven't either. The fisherman hasn't brought in the barramundi yet, guys. Choppy night. Yeah.

So I was refused entry so I was like, alright, drive through. What? Refused entry? Well, they wouldn't open the door. I went to go in

and they go, no, no, no, we're closed. I'm like, I had to get back in the car. No one comes in anymore, you idiot. Ladies only, mate. It's Thursday night.

Sorry, mate. A few Thursday night. Sorry, mate. A few too many blokes in there. Come back with some hot female friends and we'll be able to... Maybe pop a collar on as well, buddy. Come on. Just me stuck behind a velvet rope of Hungry Jacks for an hour. Had much Hungry Jacks tonight already, mate? Been good?

Looking at my gut, I think you've had enough, mate. I think you've had enough tonight.. I think you've had enough tonight. So I had to get back in the car, went through the drive-through. So like, okay, I got to go through here. Here's the thing. Get in the drive-through, get to the speaker box, look up. All the screens are turned off. They're all dead.

All the screens are turned off for the menu. How would you possibly know what to order if your car's in the screen? That's it. This is like the final boss of Hungry Jacks. This is like expert mode takeaway. And I'm not as au fait with the whole canon of work of Hungry Jacks. I know McDonald's pretty well, but Hungry Jacks I'm not as au fait with. And so I'm like, in the speaker box, like, what do you want, mate?

And I go, oh, man, all your menus are turned off. And he's like, oh, someone must have turned them off. I'm like, fucking hell. I can see why you got the job here. Where's the switch, mate? Do you reckon it's inside that building or is it out here? So he's like, well, what do you want? And I go, mate, all your menus are turned off.

He goes, oh, well, I don't know how to turn them on. So how about you just come around and have a look? And I'm like, okay. So I drive around to the window. Chef's table? Yeah, yeah. So I literally go around to the window and there's a guy waiting for me holding a burger going, what do you reckon?

Fancy a whopper? I'm like, oh, okay. Is this what we're doing now? Just holding up burgers and going,, what do you reckon? Fancy a Whopper? I'm like, oh, okay, is this what we're doing now? Just holding up burgers and going, is this what you want? Because it's not even like you see the burger. You're just seeing stuff wrapped up in paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that looks good, I guess.

That one looks good. Give me one of them. I also like, Carl, that you just accidentally stumbled into a Hungry Jacks ad. Like, that's what was happening. You just drove into a current shoot. No, but if you saw that, if you saw that ad, you would go, this is the fucking, this is science fiction. This is comedy.

This is never going to happen. But I was in the middle of it. Someone holding up burgers going, do you want this one or this one? They need to like, at the front of shops in Japan, how they have the like little plastic like recreations of the food. They need just like a display of that out the front of every Hungry Jackson Macca's just for when you're too blind to even read off the menu. Or just a menu with the light turned on would be enough.

Yes. I've already got the pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what did you end up picking? And how long did this process take? Well, not long because I just went whatever was in his hand. I just grabbed whatever he had in his hand. And at that point you can't be like, no pickles, thanks.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, none of that stuff. Open the bag up, scrape them off. I could touch it a lot more if you want. I mean, that's still an option for you here. Whatever the one that's nestled deeper in your hand because that'll be the warmer one. I'll have that one, thanks. Would you do Lucky Dip

fast food? Oh, that's not bad. You just go and take a bag and you've got no idea what's in it. Every time you buy from somewhere like Hungry Jack's, you are doing Lucky Dip. You'll just give me a tummy bug. Speaking of the private dining thing, someone was telling me the other day they were at a dinner

party and there was a restaurateur there who owns a lot of restaurants in Melbourne. And they're all just kind of chatting away at this dinner party. And then really casually, he's like, this is a while ago, he's like, yeah, anyway, the Obamas are at my restaurant tonight. And they're all just like, what are you doing here? Like, why aren't you in there? And he's like, I don't know. What am I going to do? Like, I'm not. Meet the most famous man in the world?

I don't know. But the funny thing was he was saying that they had tried to get, his people had tried to get the, like, private dining room, but it was already booked. And this restaurant were just like, no, sorry, it's already booked. You'll just have to, like, be out on the floor. Right. Which I just love the idea of like

the waiters just all night going up to the people that are in the private dining room and being like just so you know we told the Obamas to get fucked

like it does reek of a thing where it'd be like those people then in the private dining room like they go home and they give the place a bad review on Google and then you have like

the owner replying going can't you had the Obamas dining room alright and they've gone hungry Jack style oh yeah we fucked up the menu we forgot to print them tonight so we just And then you have the owner replying going, you had the Obama's dining room, all right? And they've gone hungry Jack style. Oh yeah, we fucked up the menu. We forgot to print them tonight.

So we just, do you want this crab? Or this steak? I actually would love that. Sometimes I find a menu so stressful. I just want multiple. I want like a choose your own adventure where a guy comes out, dish on either hand. And I just go, yeah, this one.

This one, thanks. Yeah, you do want, like it is baby style, but you do want big pictures. I want a big picture. Totally. It's the best thing about Asian restaurants. And it's not a photo of their specific version of the fried rice. It's from Google Images.

It's page one of Google Images, for sure. It's still very, very helpful. I want to be able to see the food that I'm about to eat. And I don't care if it comes out looking like that at all. I need to make a visual decision. Yeah, that looks good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Dawes, you're in the campaign trail.

You're in a press junket right now because you've got a book out. Yeah, yeah. Well, I do. But listen, I know that people come on this podcast solely to sell their wares and try to tap into the goodwill of the Dum Dum audience. But I wanted to take this opportunity. I've got some news. I'm about to become a father.

Whoa. And we just found out. And I was very excited to see you. Congratulations, mate. Congratulations. Thank you. Congratulations, mate. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you.

Yeah, cheers. So, but I wanted tips from Harley and Carl. You could probably bypass Carl. It's probably not much. Hey, I've looked after my child and Tommy for a long time. So I've got a lot of experience. Yeah, but see, this is the thing, Dules. You're about to join a group of people that I refer to as hobby parents.

That's the ones that just have one kid. You're the equivalent of getting 10 acres, 2 cows and a donkey and going, oh, I'm a farmer. No, you're not. So congratulations, but you better turn it around and have another one real quick after it. Now, can we cut this off before we get too deep into this? Now, you are expecting a child before we get too deep into this?

Now, you are expecting a child, what, in six months? How far away? March, yeah, yeah, March. Right, so that's well after you've put out a book called You're Not a Real Parent Until. Now, how the fuck are you putting out a book about how to be a parent when you're not a fucking parent? Well, how many people do you think Stephen King's murdered, Carl? Come on, mate.

Oh, Dools has been asked this before. He had this long-delighted... Well, to be fair, I am about to release a book called How to Get on TV and Do Comedy. So, yeah, look, that's fair. Yeah, exactly. It is. It's the comedy workshop. It's the comedy workshop.

It's the comedy school. Those who... Oh, yes. The classic comedy goes, here's how you do it. What have you ever done, cunt? Nothing. Damn. Dool's is the acting teacher and Harley's Laurence Olivier.

Yeah. Well, look, I'm about to have my fourth, and with each kid I know less about parenting. So I reckon you actually probably know more than I do because you're of clear mind. There's clarity of mind there. I'm now going, fuck it, I don't know. They just keep coming out. I don't know what to do with them.

Well, you should read Scott Dool's book, How Do You Know a Real Parent? Send it over, yeah so the oh and this is this is true the only bit of advice i've been given was from a friend of mine who had a kid and he was like listen dude you should just go out as much as you can right now because you're never going to be able to do it again and this bit of advice goes honestly this is going to be the last time you're never going to be able to do it again. And his bit of advice, he goes, honestly, this is going to be the last time you're ever going to be able to try meth. That was it. That was all his advice.

That's not true. Look at Harley. Come on. I've just moved to Brisbane and there's some people around me that are doing both of those things a lot. I think there's a lot of... And not a lot of teeth. You know what I mean?

There's a lot of people up there that are trading one thing for the other up there, I reckon. Yeah. Just about to have my first kid. I can't think of a better time to have my first crack of this highly addictive substance. Also, you've got to be up late looking after the kid. This can't be a better time to get onto meth than right now. You're going to need it, actually. If anything, it's after the kid is the time to get meth. That's what's going to get onto meth than right now. You're going to need it, actually. If anything, it's after the kid is the time

to get meth. That's what's going to get you through. The baby won't be talking to you for a bit. Why not have some other voices in your head just to kind of fill the silence? He just said, Daddy. No, no, the kid's not born yet. The kid's not born yet. You've hit the pipe too early. My kid's first words are, the government's

tapped your phone. He's a genius. So yeah, so if you do see me thinking I'm covered in spiders, it's because I've taken the advice of a good friend. So this is a friend of yours who had kids who's like, that's his one big regret, is that he's like, I should have tried meth when I had the chance. But I was like, he's got two kids, kids who's like, that's his one big regret, is that he's like, I should have tried meth when I had the chance.

But I was like, he's got two kids, and he's like, oh, I'm just going to die wondering, I guess. I'm going to miss him out on this. I mean, they'll leave home at some point. You give it a go then. Just watching trains spotting non-stop in the toilet whenever he's got five seconds going, if only I'd worn a

condom. God damn it. Could have been me in that toilet. Oh, that's exciting, man. That's great. And what are your plans? Are you going to stay in the States and have that child? Because that sounds like a worse decision than having meth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny you say that.

Yeah, we, yeah. Well, it's funny you say that. Yeah, we're not, because my wife, she's got this real hang-up about our children being shot in the face at school. Like, so weird. That's what it's like when you're a first-time mum. You know, very sensitive. Sounds like she's hit the pipe a bit early, I think.

She's off her head. Wait until you have four. You're like, fuck, I hope one of them gets shot. I hope one of them's standing behind the other one when they get shot. All right, all 80 of you kids are going to Columbine High. We've got to thin the herd. I'm going broke. I can't do this and the meth.

We need to cut some corners. Oh, fuck. We're all getting cancelled. Great. I can't afford to get cancelled. I've got a kid coming. We've got to tidy this shit up. What are you...

So what's the plan? Are you going to come back to Australia? Well, I'm not sure. I think we're going to have the child here and then... Because of their great healthcare system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what's it going to be like to have a child and spend $80,000 on the same day?

And my wife was like, well, do I have good news for you, buddy? That's what we're going to find out. It's going to be cesarean and we're going to shoot a hole down there. Yep. Yeah, it's going to be cesarean and we're going to shoot a hole down there. So it would be a good time to start a crippling drug habit as well. So, yeah, so that's what's happening. And what I did want to ask you parents, and Tommy, you've had pets.

The same thing. You parents love it when you compare your dog to them raising a kid. They fucking love it. I can't wait for Tommy's advice. You've got to worm your child, by the way. Oh, you do, by the way. Fuck, I should do that. Fuck, Carl. Jesus Christ.

Anytime you think about it, give them a worm pill. Anytime it pops into your head, worm pill. Just give them worm pills. They're the filthiest fuckers. Honestly, just worm pill them any other day you think about it. You know what? Last night, this was genuinely creepy. Last night, I was looking after my kid all day.

Then my wife was out. She came home. I'd been inside. I literally hadn't stepped outside until six o'clock at night. I was like, I've got to fucking get out of here and just went for a massive walk, came back

and my wife had gone to bed, gone to sleep and then the light for my child, my four-year-old's still on and I just sort of opened, but the door was closed, I opened it and she's just sitting upright in bed,

eyes open, just looking at me and just goes, hello daddy. I'm like, oh, my fucking God. I just walked into a horror movie. Blanket Kubrick? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, daddy. She was, like, not reading a book, not looking at a tablet, not anything, just sitting in bed, looking into space. Staring at the wall. Yeah. Wow. And what was your response? I was just like, fuck. Hello, blanket.

Yeah. I was like, can you go to sleep and not kill me? That would be great. Damn. Where'd you learn how to say that? Your wife? Hello, daddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wish. Fucking hell. Okay. I didn't know I was walking into a fetish. But, yeah, what were you wanting to know, Dools? What were your big questions? Naming. Naming?

Any tips? Yeah, because we're really up against it for names and everything we think of is no good. Have you got the boy, do you know boy, girl? Are you doing that? Are you doing the lucky dip method that we do? No, no, no, no, no. Mate, it's not Hungry Jacks. We're taking it seriously. We're going...

Boy. We're getting it. We're having a boy. It's hard work, mate. Again, fourth time around, we don't know what we're getting and I'm honestly, I'm checking my phone because unlike you, who are expecting in March, my wife is 38 weeks pregnant right now. So it's literally any moment from now, like it's happening.

And we do not have a name nor a gender. We're going to have a gender reveal party. What about this? What about this? Whoever's funniest on this episode, you name it after us. Okay? Oh, great. This will be a good episode.

This will give us all motivation. So it means I'll be calling my child Dooley then? Oh, damn. Dooley Wang. This is exciting. We've had this happen a few times where we've had a guest who's on the line waiting for the call and potentially going to have to fuck off mid-episode for the birth of their child. God, I want it to happen one day.

I won't be leaving. This is four, not one. All right? Like a footballer in the grand final. He goes and sees the wife after Mad Monday. We won, love. Yeah, yeah. Call him Brian.

It would be really funny for the blokes I do a spot with on Triple M. Yeah, well, look, names. I mean, the way, I mean, we only, like Harley said, I'm a hobby farmer. But I was like, I was like my wife, my Harley said, I'm a hobby farmer. But I was like, my wife gets, like, I had suggestions, and they were poo-pooed. Every one of them was dismissed. I was like, that's fine. You just, like, I don't want to mansplain my child's name.

Like, you take care of it. That's fine. What, Blanket was a better option than what you came up with? That's amazing. Spoilers, Blanket's not her real name, but I suggested other names. It's her Facebook name. She's too famous. Yeah, exactly.

She's going to try open mic one day, so she's just going to get ahead of it. We're funneling all the likes to the official page, not the private page, okay? Yeah. So, Carl, what was your edge case name that you knew wasn't going to get up, but you threw it into the batch anyway? Right. So, that sort of thing where it's like, I really want the kid to be called Sarah, but my other option is Batman. So, it's like, it looks good compared to Batman. Yeah.

Right, right, right. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I chucked in a bunch of soccer players and stuff like that. Pelé is a good girl's name. Why not? Ronaldo Chandler. But no, none of it got even close.

I went for a while and then just went, this is way easier to just let her have her go. Whatever. She did choose a and, you know, whatever, whatever. Like she did choose a name. I have to say that I was like, just so you know, this is a very popular name and she's going to be at school with about seven others of these ones. So just get ready for that. And my wife's like, well, that doesn't really affect me. So, yeah. for that. And my wife's like, well, that doesn't really affect me. Cool.

You do want to think, you want to think about, you know, the name, does it connect to you and your wife? Do you feel like a family? But you especially want to think about the shortened version of that name. Are you going to enjoy saying, because you're not going to call, unless you're one of those idiots that name their child the shortened version of things, you're not going to use the full name, one of those idiots that name their child the shortened version of things,

you're not going to use the full name, or at the very least, none of their friends are. So whatever name it is, what are they going to shorten it to? Well, this is kind of the thing that I've said to my wife. Sorry, Borat voice, my wife. That it doesn't matter what we name him, he's just going to be called Dules. So we can just... It doesn't matter. Dules Junior. TBC.

TBC Dually. Untitled Dually. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I love that. When people have the nickname Junior, it's because they've got the same name as their dad, right? That's kind of where that comes from. So it's just like...

That is just so funny, just being like, Junior sounds cool. Obviously not going to put Junior on the birth certificate like a fuckhead. So I'll just call him Scott. There you go. Problem solved. Done.

Now he's Junior. Now he's just Junior. Yeah. I love it. And then when they get angry about it, I'll be like, listen, I was smoking a lot of meth before you were born. Only before though. Only just before.

Just to get it out of the way. I was in the last chance Not after Because I can't do that now But I had a little window Where I could I had a little window Where the Eminent Worlds guys

Said you can do it We've got a meth corner for you That's fine We've got a little meth corner And people would come in When's she due? About two more sleeps And then I'd feel bad

For making that horrible joke So Dools, was the reason you decided to have a kid because you got to the final page of You're Not A Real Parent Until, and it said You're Not A Real Parent Until You've Spoofed Your Wife Without A Condom and Impregnated Her?

You thought, as the author of this book, this gives me an idea. That was actually the original title. The real 100th Thompson children's books here. It was actually, yeah, you haven't spoofed in your wife until, and someone said, what about parent? So we had to change it up a bit.

Right, right, right, right. Didn't pass the census. Barnes and Noble wouldn't stock it if it had that kind of filth in it. This country used to build things, you know what I mean? This is bullshit. You are the Helen Demedenko of children's books, you know that?

Remember her? She wrote that whole book. What a reference! She won the Miles Franklin or something. Yeah, she did an autobiography where she made up the whole thing and then they didn't fact check it until she won the award and went, did you do any of this stuff?

And she's like, nah, not really. It's like, fuck! Yeah. I love a bit of that. But she also lied about, yeah, the Obamas are coming. They've got a private room down the road. I'm so disappointed. That would have been great if you had been caught up in a controversy with your book.

It's like some whistleblower's like, this guy doesn't even have a kid. Yeah. Well, that's what we're doing now. Oprah has to apologise for making it part of her book club. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I didn't do my due diligence. She had one of them as well, didn't she? Yeah, the cancer one.

She had one of her book clubs in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah What was the issue? Again, it was kind of fraudulent or it was plagiarised or something? Yeah, it was someone's life story I think it might have been cancer I think it was someone lying about being sick I think, I could be wrong, but yeah

Obviously, as someone else who's lied about having had cancer It kind of struck a bit of a chord with me where I read it because I thought, there but for the grace of God go I. Yeah, you just did it because you heard that kids got to live in McDonald's. I was like, no, it's McDonald's house. That's a hospital. Yeah, that's for the parents. It's across the street.

It's just a kind of dingy little hotel that they get to live in. Imagine that. Imagine a kid making that up, like a 12-year-old kid going, this is the only way I'm ever going to live at McDonald's. I'm going to pretend I've got cancer. That would be fucking amazing. And this kid just with tubes up his nose for the next six months going, oh, well, free nuggets, though.

Honestly, not a million miles away from what it was actually like. Day one, going in there, I was like this. My parents were like, you can get McDonald's if you want. And I was like, oh, this rules. I'm living in McDonald's. This is so fucking good. And just having it every day and then being like, yeah, I'm actually a bit sick of McDonald's. Can I?

Yeah, my friend's having a birthday party today. So can we go to that? And they're like, no. You can get more McDonald's though in here if you want. I'm like, oh, okay. I've had so much McDonald's. I've got cancer twice now. Was that possible?

Guys, come on. Can you turn the menus on for me, please? Please, I might only have one day left. I've only ever heard of nuggets. That's all I've had. That weird nurse keeps asking me if I want this one. I don't want that one. Well, but then there was a point where like I just, yeah,

you just overdose on McDonald's and I'd had like so much of it. And then at a certain point I remember turning to Dad and being like, Dad, could I maybe have KFC tonight? And Dad being like, okay, and having to like go drive to a KFC. Don't be stupid, son. You're sick with cancer. You can't have KFC. Don't be ridiculous. I. You're sick with cancer. You can't have KFC. Don't be ridiculous.

I thought for a second, it's not like, can I have a salad? No, can I have KFC? No, now shut up and eat your quarter pounder. Also, how can you be a kid

in hospital sick and being continually loaded up on McDonald's? Fucking hell, that's insane. Well, it's that or it's like the hospital food is, you know, it's a cliche, but it is so baddonald's fucking hell that's insane well it's that or it's like the hospital food is you know it's a cliche but it is so bad it's fucking awful so it's like yeah

that's so funny like to a kid having them go so wait wait wait i can eat mcdonald's whenever i want yeah yeah and i don't have to go to school no no never and like footballers will come in every now and then yeah what's the catch? And you're like, you have cancer. No, no, but seriously, what's the... Dude, second week in there, I met Greg Norman. He came in to just hang out. Oh, wow. One a bit more for the dads in the ward, I've got to be honest.

How many kids were like, oh my God, it's my golfing hero. Great white shark. Who'll ever forget the 86ing hero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great white shark. It truly was. Who'll ever forget the 86 British Open? Yeah, yeah. Bunch of nine-year-olds like, what's happening? And all the dads like, oh, my God. I mean, I might lose my kid, but I met Greg Norman.

Yeah, yeah. A seven-year-old with leukemia going, can you sign my sand wedge? Yeah. Greg Norman is the McDonald's for dads. That's the... It's like everyone in that room's happy. Everyone's having a good time. Even then he was showing a bit of his Saudi chops as well. Like he wouldn't meet any of the women.

Like demanded none of the wives had driver's licenses. No, no. He got the yips. He went up to Domi and went to say hi. He went, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. And then ran away. Went to pieces.

But it was like my parents were staying in Ronald McDonald House. And it's exactly what you're saying. Like, I just didn't get it. I was like, oh, can I come? I must be. I just imagined them living in like the playground. Like they're sleeping in a ball pit. And they're like, I don't know why they've called it that.

It's just a little motel. It's just a really bleak motel with a lot of sad parents living in it. And all that stuff got nicked by the Hamburglar. It was just horrible. Have you got enough tips now? Have you got enough tips? Do you think you're pretty capable of being a parent now

after, I don't know what we learnt there, nothing? Less than nothing maybe? Well, I think we learnt that child cancer can be pretty funny. I think that's what I'm taking out of it. That's why I was put on this earth. And also, speaking about being dumber, I always leave this podcast dumber, so let's not change it now.

What are we trying to turn this into? Someone's aiming for an award-winning festival show And that's when I realised Me and my dad's relationship was pretty complicated Fade Have I ever told you Me and Nick Cody were at a festival And they were doing the awards

And we were making that joke about the festival show where people realise stuff. And Cody looks at me and goes, I've never realised anything in my life and that's never going to change. Story checks out. I was talking to my mum the other night. So they still live in Maribor. We talked a while back on the show that they're selling up. They're they still live in Maribor we talked a while back on the show that they're selling up they're going to move from Maribor

I'm not going to have my spiritual home as my sort of little base soon I have to move all my shit out of my room and fucking all that sort of stuff but so that's they haven't had a I don't think it's not happening anytime soon

there's no bids yet but millions imagine millions for a house out in Maribor I haven't had a... I don't think it's... It's not happening anytime soon. There's no bids yet. But... Millions. Imagine millions for a house out in Maribor. Where are they going to move to? Well, it's on a farm. It's on a farm. So it's actually worth a bid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Literally, they are what you talked about for parents, but for farmers. They are actual hobby farmers. They've got like a big farm with fuck all on it. So they live in Maribor. You know, there's tiny little satellite towns They are actual hobby farmers. They've got a big farm with fuck all on it. So they live in Maribor.

There's tiny little satellite towns around Maribor. If you can imagine, there are shittier towns than Maribor, and they surround Maribor. I won't have it. There's all these tiny... Well, you've been to Maribor, you know. So there's all these tiny little... That's one of the greatest places on earth. I had the best night of my life there.

Yeah, that was very funny, actually. You and I had a good time in the ball pit. Yes, we did. And someone ripped my. Yeah, that was very funny, actually. You and I had a good time in the ball pit. Yes, we did. And someone ripped my pants. I'm looking at you, Tommy. So they're mid-70s. They don't really know anything. They don't understand the podcast.

They don't really understand what is going on with it and what I do, all that sort of stuff. So they go. There's a bakery that's about 10 minutes out, and they go to that, and they sort of stuff. So they go, they have a, there's a bakery that's like about 10 minutes out, and they go to that, and they go in there, and the bloke there listens to this show, so every now and, so he'll talk, he'll talk to them about

this show or about me, oh yeah, blah, blah, blah. That's the bakery with the ball pit, right? No, no, no, no, just a different one. Oh, different bakery. Fuck, and what a town, two bakeries. Yeah, yeah, no, this is in the tiny little satellite town outside called Denali. Denali Bakery. Go through.

They go to it. They go to it and they reckon it's awesome. So that's great. That's classic country town, isn't it? Like there won't be a chemist, but there's like eight bakeries. Yeah. And seven churches. Yeah, yeah.

Why need a chemist? Plenty of penicillin in these fucking rolls we've got out the back of the bakery. Take two of these sausage rolls and call me in the morning. So they go out, they go to the bakery out there. And so now, so this is what's happened now. Now there's another shitty town outside called Clunes, the other side. And so they go through and they go to these newsagents there. So they get their papers from the Clunes newsagents

and their bread and their pies from the Denali bakery. So these newsagents they go to, they've been going there for ages. And they went there the other day and they got talking or whatever. And for some reason, my old man started saying about, you know, my son lives in Melbourne and, you know, his name's Carl and he does some comedy. And they go, Carl Chandler? And they go, yeah. He goes, yeah, we listen to the fucking podcast.

Yeah, yeah. And then they just started telling them all about, like, what I've been up to for the last three years that, like, my mum and dad don't know about. You know, oh, he's shitting his pants. They finally find out they're their grandparents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So literally they get more news out of getting their basic, out of getting their bread in their newspapers in Maribor. They find out about me more than they find, they don't, like my mum never rings me.

And why should she? She finds out all about what's going on through people that she vaguely knows who listen to our podcast. That's great. They're in the newsagent. They'll find the age to find out the news and then they get all that about you. They're like, oh, we don't need this anymore. We just had a nice little update about our son.

Is he eating well? Kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So was the newsagent person, did they just completely throw you under the bus? Like, did they give your parents, you know, the worst of the worst? Or did they exercise a bit of decor and sort of hold some stuff? Like, my mum's not someone to literally spell out and go,

yeah, they told me you shit the bed, and then you told your kid about it, and then your wife didn't roll over into it, and then this happened. That's a real thing, by the way, Jules. That's not just a flight of fancy. And I can't believe that you went on Australia's Got Talent. I cannot believe you did that. Well, I didn't know that for sure until today.

I hope after this they're like, you know Tommy's gay. Yeah, that just happened a little bit. That'll be my parents going into their local newsagent. Yeah, yeah. God, that's fucking... Because you've got a friend of your wife who listens to this, and now you've got a local newsagent.

That's fucking the worst nightmare. So my mum goes, so she's explaining, going, yeah, so they listen to your podcast and stuff. And she goes, and they've been going in for a while without realising that. And then she goes, yeah, so I don't know why. I mean, I guess maybe we accidentally mentioned that like ages ago when we went in to get a paper. And I'm like, no, mum, people can choose to listen to my podcast without you telling them about it. I'm like, we've got fucking heaps of listeners.

It's popular. It's not because of you. Yeah. You're not going around. Like, you're not responsible for our listenership. Like, everyone that came to Koh Samui five years ago wasn't, didn't live next door to you in Carisbrook somewhere, all right? How dare you support me, mum?

How dare you even fucking support me? And then we find out that your mum's just trying to become an influencer and she's just taking it for a walk around the store. We'll see her going to the opening of shops at Chadston Mall and stuff and using hashtags. I'm just going to laugh like what Dooley just said was really funny because he fucking broke up again. You broke up so bad.

I can tell with the energy though. I was like funny because he fucking broke up again. You broke up so bad. I can tell with the energy, though. I was like, he's fucking killing it here. Oh, did that mess up again? Yeah, you're chopping out again. I think it's maybe because you were jumping up and down. I don't know. But it was feeling like you said cunt like 17 times in about 30 seconds because you got bleeped out a lot.

This is a fun game. Let's try and put together what the bit was. I think I caught influencer and I think I think I caught I caught Influencer and I caught Going to the Shop so was it a riff about Carl's mum like kind of

putting him on tour like a performing little child or something like that like a TikTok star I was going along yeah along the lines of Carl's mum

wanting to become an Influencer and she was using Dum Dum as her first thing yeah I like it you can see why i had to sell it so hard because it's like a new bit that you know doesn't quite have legs yet you're

like if i put fucking as the second last word yeah that'll get the punchline so for people at home for people at home we you're hearing everything perfectly, but we did not. It's cutting out on us. I didn't even think of that. Yeah. That's why we're wondering what you can hear very clearly, and we are saying, is that what he said? And you guys are at home going, what's wrong with these people? I'll go through in the edit and I'll chop up Doolz's track so that it kind of sounds, I'll recreate it for the listeners so that it sounds like what we heard. Great. I'll just up I'll chop up Dawes' track so that it kind of, I'll recreate

it for the listeners so that it sounds like what we heard. I'll just cut out every like fourth second. I don't think we need help making this podcast worse and unfunnier. They'll be talking about this at the Clunes News Agency. If you could make me as unfunny as possible, that'd be great.

I really do wonder if it's for book sales. That's our only way of having Harley's kid named after us instead of you. We're trying to chop you down. That's right. They had to cut out your reception just so that they could get either a Tommy or Carl. Thomas Carl Wang. What a lovely name. This whole segment's going to make a great...

And she's going to have a hell of a life. This whole segment's going to make a great piece in our book. You're not a real podcaster until... Admittedly, we's going to make a great piece in our book, You're Not a Real Podcaster, into it. Admittedly, we're a little overqualified to be writing the book at the moment. And also, let's not gloss over the fact that now you're trying to get either Dooley or me to name our unborn children after you, when you've already offered me a Bucks night and it hasn't fucking happened. This is absolute bullshit.

Yes. We're meant to have a four-way, Dooley. We're meant to have a four-way Bucks night down here. It's taken so long I've had to move states just to get near more alcohol. It's for all our comedian friends who are living in sin and had bastard children and never gotten married. We want to have like a... So it's Harley, it's Dave Thorne, Dave O'Neill, Ben Lomas.

Yeah, I think that's the four. We're missing out on cool wedding parties for all our mates because these fuckheads are losers and they're depriving us of some free piss and a steak. You know, every time I'm here, I always pitch something for you guys to do. What about this? So what you do is you do the Bucks party and then you have the honeymoon in Thailand and listeners can come.

Oh, yeah. Not really worth the wait, was it? That was worth the wait, wasn't it, Carl? He's so into it now. Can I get married again? He just moved the laptop onto his lap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, I like this.

You're right, we do need to get this four-way Bucks guy. I mean, yeah, you guys... When are you going to get married, though? You traditionally have a Bucks when there's a fucking wedding. Don't you worry about when I'm getting married. That's my business. The Bucks party is your fucking business. You get it out of me.

You fucking people, you're not spending money on condoms. You're not spending money on engagement rings. What the fuck are you spending it on? I've got four fucking children, mate. What do you reckon I'm spending it on? That's good. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another installment of A Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Let's just give this thing a bit of drama. Harley, you just texted us and said your wife's calling and the baby's on the way. You've got to get going. You genuinely panicked me then. No, it's fine. I've just been tagged in a post for Triple M. No, I just heard from the Clunes news agency that your wife's giving birth right now,

so I think you'd better get onto it. Little Dooley's on its way? Oh, my God. My daughter, Little Dooley. Dooz, yeah, you've got the book, You're Not a Real Parent Until. Check that out. People can read that online, I believe.

Yep, and we've got a child coming. So if you've got any name suggestions. You've got shares to sell. Get the book You're Not a Real Parent Until in about eight months when it's been updated by someone who actually knows what the fuck they're talking about. The revised edition. Like Encyclopedia Britannica, right?

You're just going to wait for the revisions in the mail. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Someone just wrote the Encyclopedia Britannica without leaving their room and was like, oh, Africa is, I think, hot maybe. I don't know. The first Guinness World Records was a disaster. It was just some guy just guessing. Like, I bet someone could do this in five minutes if they wanted.

Yeah, the record was the most incompetent and fucking cheeky cut in the world was a disaster. It was just some guy just guessing. Like, I bet someone could do this in five minutes if they wanted. Yeah, the record was the most incompetent and fucking cheeky cut in the world is me by writing this. But yeah. And Harley, you've got your podcast Shitting With The Door Open. That is correct. Yes.

And another child coming as well. So snap there to Scott Dooley and all manner of things happening next year. But it's too far away to start plugging. So for now I'm just hanging out with Bogans in sunny Queensland. Nice. Keep an eye on at Harley Wang on Facebook for all your updates about

what's going on. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates. And they've done it again. They have. They've done it again. Bernie has booted one straight through the middle of the two O's in Zoom.

Bernie's kicked a big one. What was its name? Oh, that's good. Wait. What was their? Is that going to be the new one? Oh, yeah. What was their name?

Yeah, yeah. That's funny. That's funny. That's not bad. Yeah. You were someone who's a Yeah, yeah, that's funny. That's funny. That's not bad. Yeah. You were someone who's a bit, you know, too cool. What was their name? Did I tell you about the kind of sketch that I wrote in my head

that you could never do anything with, but it's like you said it in like five years' time and it's at a nightclub and there's a bouncer and there's like a bunch of people come up and the bouncer's like, sorry, guys,'ve got a few. We've got too many they, thems in there as it is. Come back with some blokes.

We'll let you in. That's funny. Yeah, that's funny. Sorry folks, we've got enough them in there. Yeah, yeah. Come back with some just real run-of-the-mill boring oka guys who are dressed like shit and we might be able to let you in a bit of diversity yeah that's funny just just one where it's like i guess that's one just for just for me and the just for me and the fellas

yeah that's funny if you actually got up and feel oh this is a right wing sketch i was like no you can just sort of like make fun of everything. It's just something I kind of think is funny. You can just make fun of everything. Yeah. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying that's – It's a funny thing.

You can just imagine that happening. Yeah, exactly. That's not bad. It's like this makes me laugh though. It's funny because it's playing against type. Comedy. Comedy technically. Good stuff on Zoom.

Yeah, good to see duels again. I can remember everything that happened because this is a rare case where we are doing Talking Dumb Numb straight after the actual episode. So we did some Zoom bonus episodes with duels. If you want to sign up to Patreon, you'll get them straight after in the week of this episode, really. So that'll be fun.

But Harley and duz both on Zoom. Haven't done Doolz for a while. No. Like we said, first one with those two together since Australia's Got Talent. Yep. Like I said, exclusive. Yep. So yeah, go back and listen to that.

So you didn't really go on a show called Narnia's Got Talent? No, I didn't. That was a little... Because I just felt so gaslit. I've been trying to look up the episode and just couldn't find it anywhere. I'm like, I could have sworn that's what he said. Gotcha!

Gotcha. Sorry, guys. Pulling the wool over your eyes 10 years ago like that or fucking whenever the fuck it was. Yeah. I remember recording that. We recorded that at Five Burrows. We certainly did.

When I used to run a gig at the place called Five Burrows and it was a gig inside a room. This is rare. Usually you run a gig in a pub or whatever. This was inside a room for some reason that they usually had just fucking dinner at. And they did not have enough people eating dinner in that room on a Thursday night. So I went, can I just run comedy in there? And they'll go, yeah, okay.

Yep. We can't even get one cunt to buy a Palmer up there. Yeah. Yeah, whatever you want. And we recorded that episode with Doolz in that venue, Five Burrows, and then years later he'd moved to New York. Oh. Isn't that crazy?

That is. You're welcome, Doolz. That must have been the one. I gave you the idea. The one New York themed thing he'd ever come into contact with no and he thought this gives me an idea yep no that's that's if not for me getting running that venue and having us do that podcast there today he could be in fucking swaziland right now yeah yeah yeah yeah imagine if you'd run a gig in an Indian restaurant. Yeah. We would have been calling in from fucking...

Delhi. Delhi. Yeah. No, look, I stop you there. Imagine running a gig in an Indian restaurant. That would be fucking great. Yeah, it would rule. That would be great.

Gaylord's Comedy. Yes! Oh, my God. But what's the venue? Oh, my God. that's amazing. I would love that. I love to... For context, there's a very well-known Indian restaurant in the city.

It's very big. It's been there for a very long time called Gaylord's. Yes. I remember going on a first date there. And what may I inquire as to the title of that gentleman? Because there's, again, for anyone non-Melbourne, there's that and there's also the Asian restaurant called Kam Den. Yes.

Which are the two ones that you see a photo of online and you're like, oh, this is someone who's been here for a day. Yes. This is the, what's it called? What's the dead prime minister's name? I can't remember. Harold Holt. This is the Harold Holt pool of CBD.

Of ethnic dining in the CBD. Yes. Gay Lords is good. Like a few years ago, a friend was like, we should all go. It's probably really good. It's been there forever. Yeah. It's like you should, feels like a place that you should check up on.

Right. And yeah, we went and had a big banquet there. It was fucking great. Yeah. It's cool inside too. I went on a first date there with a girl and, which I think is very funny in hindsight, to take someone to a place called K-Lords

and to take someone to Indian on a first date. Indian on a first date is a, yeah, that's fucking bold. That was your suggestion? I believe so. Yeah, because I would imagine the girl in that position being like, this is so high risk in a lot of different ways. Even just like, I know some people on a first date, even just eating anything too like garlicky or like, you know,

that's going to make their breath a bit, you know, dodgy. If there's maybe going to be a first pass involved. Some people even feel too bad about having like a kind of pasta or whatever. Yeah. I would imagine she's just like, ah, this is a nightmare, but I don't want to, I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to write back and go get fucked. I think, cause this is so long ago, obviously, but I think it was, I think I just went, this

is so low stakes. I just thought it was funny to do that. Right. Because also the girl had asked me out, which I thought was funny. So I was like, oh, let's just see what I can get away with here. Yeah, yeah, okay. I hold all the cards. I'll take her to Gaylord's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, interesting. Yeah. Interesting. That was a very interesting, weird little time. Well, as we mentioned, bonus episodes coming up with Dools. And if you want to hear them, you can get onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club.

You get two bonus mini episodes per week, often with great special guests. And also, you may be moments away from hearing your name get read out and thanked on Talking Dum-Dum. Imagine. There's a lot in it for you if you get on there. Imagine. Yeah. I mean, you listen to us say all these different things all the time,

but this is like your personalised little, you know, greeting card, like when I was a kid, did you have this when you were a kid, where there were certain companies where they would make a book that would be about some cunt going to the moon or whatever, but if you bought it and gave all the details in, all of a sudden it was Tommy going to the moon or whatever but if you bought it and gave all the details in all of a sudden it was tommy going to the moon yes i never i know these exist but i don't think i've i don't know if i've ever seen one in real life i don't think i ever got one i never was involved in getting one for someone yeah but i just know that they're out there yeah same with me i knew

like some kids you know like i don't know things are different i guess but like, oh, fuck, that must be a rich kid that would have one of them. Because it's like slightly more expensive than a normal book. Right. But it's also like, how many times are you going to like read that book and be like, this is so cool because it's about me. Yeah. And you look at the picture of the kid and it's like, well, that's not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to do some like super generic picture of like the kid, but it's like, I'm pretty sure that's not.

Yeah. I've got brown hair. Yeah, yeah it's like, I'm pretty sure that's not. Yeah. I've got brown hair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They've picked a blonde kid or whatever. I was just talking with someone the other day about like in video games now, so many of them start with you making a character where it's like,

you get to choose exactly what the person looks like. And I like, my thing is to just get in there and just make the most fucked looking person I can. Yeah. But it's like, who's the person? To make her look like you. Yeah, exactly.

Who's the person that's sitting there and going, I have to make this look exactly like me. So that every time I look at the screen, I think it's actually me flying around in space. Like that is just such a simple mind. Like I don't have to actually think that I'm Mario when I'm playing the game. Like I'm just having a fun time controlling this little guy. I don't need the suspension of disbelief of like, no, this is all happening to me. A big dinosaur is trying to kill me. I can't relate.

That guy's got black hair. I don't have black hair. I keep losing. Let the dinosaur eat him because it's not me. I keep getting killed in this game because I just don't care enough because I'm not an Italianian plumber yeah i don't the stakes it's not real for me it's not resonating yeah yeah um well this is this is basically this is your version of this this is your this is your latter-day version of that you are your character creator yeah you are in this read right now potentially one of you not all of you although although some of you are going to play along

and pretend it's you in this read but it's really not you yeah okay let's make that clear um hey if you're playing a video game right now that has a character creator in it make a me and carl oh yeah let's see how close you can get oh yeah it's a pick yeah if you're playing your starfield or your balder's gate or any of these big games at the moment where you can make a little that's got a character creator okay have a fucking nudge all right do that what what are the what are those games about what happens in them one of them you're flying around in space and one of them's like a fantasy you know lord of the rings you so you could make like a little carl wizard and a little tommy dwarf please please i'd like to say

it uh thank you very much to patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Zach Winfrey. Zach Winfrey. What do you think about that? I think, I believe, I did my little search. I believe that's only... Related to Oprah. Yeah, that's actually her secret husband.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So wait, Stedman's just her like seven they always said seven was the beard yeah but they said it because oprah's gay but it's really because it was a secret husband this guy yeah and that's like we're spending and no wonder he can afford to subscribe to this absolutely on this show yeah he's got those uh winfrey dollars still making bank off the does o Magazine still run? Hmm, I wonder.

Actually, I was meaning to do this the other day. There's a big news agent right near my house. And it's like any of them, you just go and, how long are these going to be left for? And they're still getting all the magazines in. They've got a lot of shit in there. Really? I just was thinking the other day, I'm like...

Remind me. It's been a while since I went in and had a little browse of all the different mags in there. Damn, I should go because I was obsessed with the newsagents as a kid. Just love that shit. We had a good newsagent. It was really sad in Maribor to see over time, see it slowly whittle away. You know where the newsagents are getting worse? At the airport. When I went to Vietnam, I i was really excited i love getting a magazine before a flight

because it's like you get on it something fresh first couple of hours you just it's it's just easy it's just like free free time and also getting eaten away you get the herald sun here and you get to like throw it away in a different country it's just sort of weird but i went in and i was like oh i'm gonna get like I'll get like a Q magazine or maybe there'll be like a, you know, the cover on Vanity Fair will be something. They just, they just aren't, I don't know. They're getting, they're getting rid of them. Yeah, right.

They just weren't that many. You know what they love now is the like Q and all those music mags. They'll do like a special edition. Yeah. That's just all about Harry Styles. Yeah. And it's like, no, I want the latest. I want a bit of everything.

I want to read some reviews of CDs that have just come out. I don't want to read about fucking One Direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a shame. Yeah, I love a dense newsagent. I love just the appearance of there being one million choices of which I'm not going to choose any of apart from the one thing I was looking for when I walked in. Well, you would love – yeah, you got to go treat yourself to a little gander in the one near me because it's where I get my dry cleaning done.

Oh, really? They've got a lot going on in there. There are dry cleaners. Shitload of magazines. And they've also got just like one of those sections at the front that's just like computer speakers. Just stuff that's just, I don't know, like come off the back of a truck. Or they've gotten a good deal at a market or wholesaler. Like the way the post offices have gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've just started selling fucking cheerleader pom-poms and asparagus out the front.

But even more like trading posts than that. Like there's at least a bit of cohesion to the like kinds of brands that the post office has this is just like cords just in a ziploc bag right not like just real yeah real computer swap meet style shit out the front it's not a franchise news agents or anything it's just like um yeah we're gonna do what the fuck we want with it it's just a family that bought the real estate fucking however long ago and uh plug me in tommy i've been become unplugged my laptop i just need you to um give me a bit of juice and charge my laptop as well um juice yeah just what yeah no i got it um just one one family who's just been sitting on that real estate forever

but they do they have so many magazines that they have tons that are just like so special interests that are like has someone just photocopied this at work like you know you get used to seeing you're like you know you're that's like you know you're big ones yeah but then it'll just be like um flower enjoyer yeah and it's like you know the logos in comic sans word art yeah it's like i've never are there enough people buying this magazine for them to bother ordering them in yeah like how many people are going into this news agents and buying magazines monthly i always wondered that about any news agency even in the old days that when they would order in like one copy of something or two copies or something and you go well there's a lot of fucking around for two copies of something yeah it's also it's just

because you're right you just wonder how much stuff goes in the pulper because you're in there and it seems like the shelves are stacked and anytime you go into a news agent it's like you and maybe one other you know what i mean it's not like there's like a constant you go into jb and there's like heaps of people in there. You know, they're getting through stock. And newsagents, it's not like you're seeing dozens and dozens of people walking out with magazines. You know what? I reckon the book has outlived the magazine.

Yeah. I reckon books are, like bookshops are still going like decently. Yep. But the newsagents, yeah. I think people have really come back around to the book. Yeah. There was the point 10 years ago or so where it's like, the iPad's going to kill this.

And I've dabbled, but I'm like, I like holding a book. I'm never going to be a digital-only guy. It's a bit more expensive, takes up space, but yeah, I just prefer holding the book. I did a few e-books, but not to enjoy them for research on things. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that was all right.

I was just like walking down the street, like just making notes on something. Yeah. But like to actually enjoy something like that, fuck that. I want to like crack that spine. I like feeling in my hand and like knowing how much there is left of the book. That's the main thing i like the physical representation of how far in i am feels good went to the op shop the other day the place i'd given a bunch of books to and uh so you know when you go to an op shop

and the books in there are just always the worst the most ancient books um i went in there and it was just that funny that instant gut feeling of like i looked over and saw a few flashy covers and went fuck maybe i'll grab oh that's actually my interest and then went oh that's the things i gave you two weeks ago they're the books i got rid of yeah that's good i think what i think what could happen to the magazine i bought one of these recently is like the um the kind of like premium bespoke magazine. So there's like, I bought these two that are like, I think this British guy made that are like video game magazines where he's like commissioned articles about stuff

and he's gotten really good illustrators and stuff. It's like this kind of very high end, looks great, really well presented, bit more expensive for like a niche interest. And it's all about video games. I think you'll appreciate this. The title of the magazine is A Profound Waste of Time, which I quite like. It's like, ah, roasting me on the cover.

All right. I dare you to not get this. Have a fucking read, you loser. You love everything that's in here. Actually, while I was in that op shop i did a thing where i think it was i think maybe it was at the start of lockdown start of covid and everything me and you swapped books you gave me an elton john book i gave you keith richards book i don't think either of us have cracked the book open no i gave up the other day i saw the same book keith richards in

the op shop for three bucks i just got it now i don't have to ask you for it back I thought you were gonna say you donated my Elton John to the op shop you're like I'm never fucking reading this that's good that's bold yeah um no so I was just like you know what I'm instead of having to ask for it was a hardback I've fucking I've uh gone up oh you got both yeah yeah okay going up in the world bad well you know got both? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Gone up in the world. Not bad. Well, you know, you've got one of them now. I don't have to fucking ask for it back. Okay. Maybe I should just, I'll just buy a new Elton John then. I'll keep my eye out.

I'll keep my eye out for a cheap Elton John. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Yeah, you do that. Zach Winfrey. Zach Winfrey. That was officially, I went through my records, that's the second Zach to subscribe to this show.

Yeah. Yeah, we don't have much in the way of Zachary's. Maybe he heard the other one and he was like, oh, fucking, I can't have this. Yeah. I need a... Zach's need to rise up. I hope he knows.

I hope he heard that and went, fucking, I know I'm going to be number two if I get in. I'm on the dais. Yeah. There's no one in third place. That would inspire you. Well, maybe you'll be... Maybe the next person is going to be very inspired.

Thank you, Zach. Thanks, Zach. Second person for this week. Thank you very much, too. Now, someone has... You know, some people don't want to be immortalized. There's a rare amount of people out there that want to chip in. Maybe want the bonus stuff but they don't want any evidence of that and i'm not really sure why why is that do you think tommy uh are they on the run are they living in darwin and

they're they're on the run and they're they're you know they used to be married to olivia newton john or something they just want to disappear forever or i think it's probably a case where they like hear what we do with some people's names and they don't want us to be like, oh yeah, I bet he sucks himself off. Yeah, right, right. It probably just is. Some people, it's like people go into a gig

and they don't want to sit too near the front because they're like, no, don't talk to me. They'll make fun of me. And it's like, what do you think is going to happen? Yeah, you're're gonna have to say something pretty fucked for it yeah you have to be a truly fucked person to get sort of be part of the show in a way that is like actually mean you know yes um well this next person i guess we i guess we still read their name out anyway because at least they don't get it. But wait, have they said, please don't?

Well. Or they've given a. Here we go. Okay. Thank you very much to Carl, last name, don't read my name out. Okay. And not only that, but maybe they've heard this as well. So, you know, we've had previous episodes where there's been a bit of a fake name at the top,

but then they've left their real name in the email address. Yeah. You get a second go at that yeah well their email address and i don't mind doxing them and putting the full details out they if you want to email this person their email address is dumdumfan69 at gmail.com i wonder if that works well i would like they would have to have signed up to patreon with that email address. Yeah. So it does exist. So if you guys want to email them. Yeah, I see.

Because I guess Patreon sends you like a – yeah, you have to verify the email. Yeah. So they've made dumdumfans69. That is an email address. So if you want to ask this person what their real name is or, you know, to verify maybe that is their last name. I'm going to email them. Yeah, please. That might be their last name.

Don't read my name out, which means their ancestors, you know, a long time ago didn't want their name read out either. I'm going to email them from our account. Okay, good. I don't want them to have my fucking email address. If they won't give me their real one. It's pretty impossible to guess your email address. What should I say?

Dear Carl. Dear Carl. What's the last episode you listened to? What's the last episode of the podcast that you listened to? Also, what is your real last name? Also, what is your real last name? Also, what is your real name? I'm not going to say Dear Carl. I think that might confuse them.

They probably have forgotten that they've put that down. It'll be the only email they've ever gotten. Dear Dumb Dumb Fan. Right. 69. Also, what is your real last name? 69. Also, also, do you actually like to 69?

Yes. Also, why don't you want your real last name read out? Is it because you're the heir to the gay lord Indian restaurant chain? Kind regards, Tom Alsop. All right. All right. Oh, you gave your real name. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Do you have the, I find this weird that this shows up now on the mail app on the phone. You can like send something and then it'll give you like a brief window where down the bottom it says undo send. That seems crazy to me that you like, I guess if you catch it quickly at like, it's just kind of sitting in a holding pen for like a minute where that you like, I guess if you catch it quickly at like, it's just kind of

sitting in a holding pen for like a minute where it's like, this guy just told his boss to get fucked and it's two in the morning. He's probably drunk. He's going to regret this. I'll give him a, I'll give him a little bit. I'll give him a little grace window where he can undo send. Do you like this? Have you ever noticed this when we've been going back and forth via email um that say

look i've got physically an example here he's an email back and forth between me and someone else yep what's the you can just describe it to me so that's been said by this person so their initials come up oh yeah you know know, in the top right corner. Yep. Talk into the mic. Oh, fuck. Sorry, sorry. So the initials come up.

You've sent me an email. It'll come up as TD at the top. Yep. But then what comes up in the top corner of mine? A little picture. Pink lipstick. I've never seen that when you've emailed me oh really yeah i get your i get like a pic of you i get your press shot oh really yeah oh okay i didn't even know that is that true yeah show me all right let's have a look does that just come up for me because i've just been looking at

going i don't know how I set that up. But every time someone gets an email from me, they're getting pink lipstick. Yeah. It doesn't come up on my phone. On the phone, it's just your initials. Okay. Oh, okay. So other people aren't seeing this. But yeah, on the-

I've had quite serious conversations with people and I just go, fuck, they're seeing these pink lips come up every time. Yeah, that's- No, on the laptop and my PC, both of them, you show up as your- As a picture. I've never seen the pink lips. up every time. Yeah, that's... No, on the laptop and my PC, both of them you show up as your... I've never seen the pink lips. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that's even more concerning. That's even weirder.

I didn't even know. Why have you set that? It's just for internal use only. I don't know. I've got no fucking idea. Okay. Interesting. Well, I didn't know that.

That's a shock. I didn't know I had my picture coming to people. But what... Because you use Outlook, right? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's something to do know that. That's a shock. I didn't know I had my picture coming to people. But what you, cause you use Outlook, right? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's something to do with that.

Maybe if you opened, I don't know. I have no idea. Okay. All right. Maybe if you opened your email natively within the client that you use, the lips might not show up. Maybe that's an Outlook thing.

Well, maybe I'll, you know what? I'll. Someone listening is just fully activated right now they're like um yes i know all about this this is one person's like dull specialty topic that they are wrapped to be able to tell us about now well you know what there's only one way to find out i've just emailed dumdumfan69 at gmail.com with the subject can you see my pink

lipstick yeah great so let's see good thing the subject can you see my pink lipstick? Yeah, great. So let's see. Good thing you didn't just say my pink lips otherwise it would have gone straight into the spam filter. All right. Well, please let us know

Carl, don't read my name. Yeah, thanks Carl. Yeah, let us know the answers to both of them. Sorry, I was just thanking you for reading that name out. And now, sorry, thanks Carl for subscribing to the podcast. Yes. Let us know the answers to both of them. Sorry, I was just thanking you for reading that name out. Yes. And now, sorry, thanks, Carl, for subscribing to the Patreon. Yes.

Yeah. Please answer both of our emails, please. Yes. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Rupert Hines. Rupert Hines. Hines. Interesting.

As in the soup. As in the- Spelled the same? Yes. Okay. Interesting. H-E-I-n-z yep one of the um one of the one of the great great soup makers i don't want to i don't want to push the envelope too much i uh but i think

yeah one of definitely one of the best soup makers more of a campbell's man myself oh really yeah are you actually? I definitely had... I reckon I had more Campbell's growing up. Yeah, that would be the go-to. That's the family brand? Campbell's cream of chicken, the little sachet of that stuff. Yeah. I was a big fan of that.

Oh, the sachet, not even tin. I'd get the tin every now and then. Are you a Deb mashed potato fan as well? Couldn't be fucked peeling a potato? I don't know if I ever had that. But we did we would have it yeah it was pretty common to have the have the little just the sachets on the on on hand yeah because they're so like the can is still like you gotta you're sort of cooking it in the um

in the in the pot yeah whereas the the sachet it's just you pour in the kettle that's it did you do that when you first moved out of home? Just go easy like that? Just go all the instant stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that sort of stuff. And do that impression? I think I did that where it was like you do an impression of,

oh, you better go and buy all this stuff because you might need it one day. It's like I've never used spices. I was getting a fucking Domino's pizza every night. Yeah, and also just like dating you know, going like dating people and like, you know, third or fourth date being like, why don't you come around and I'll, and I'll cook and really feeling like, fuck, I am just a modern gentleman. And like looking back and it's like, fuck, just some penne with like tinned tomatoes on it.

Like no, no finessing, like no no actual recipe just the most basic ass fucking oh and also getting it wrong carrying on like i'm fucking gabriel gatte i remember i remembered like doing impressions of what i thought like trying trying to figure out what um uh how to cook things and just trying to remember how mum would do it yeah yeah yeah and uh just going through a short phase of making myself scrambled eggs but like pouring fucking bucket loads of olive oil into the frying pan yeah cooking scrambled eggs why does this taste so shit this is real bad yep yep and now i'm like so far the other way where like if i'm cooking something i just don't have the capacity to do like anything simple like if i'm gonna cook something i'm like i'm gonna go all out i'm gonna

make like a fucking complicated otolenghi recipe um i find it very difficult to just go just get a fucking pre-made schnitzel and just heat that up oh really it's like yeah i'm starting from scratch i'm gonna make this a 90 minute project minimum i do not cook in any way anymore ever yep i just do not do it wow i love it oh look if i had time to do it or if i was around at that time of night and all that sort of stuff maybe but man i've cooked fucking scrambled eggs on toast for myself the other day and went well done carl shout out to um shout out to our friend simon blaby who gave us uh cooking knives in brisbane last time we were there oh yes we've been using mine a fucking ton god it's good having an actual good knife like you just realize the difference between like getting it just getting one from ikea you've had it for ages it's absolutely dull as shit

to like someone giving you like a proper commercial kitchen grade one and being like good god this is slicing through spring onion like butter yeah well um i hope i don't i hope my wife is using that knife i don't know um weird thing to say. If you stabbed someone in the street and you're put away and your defence is, I've been given this knife and I don't cook. Don't cook at home. And I don't want to be rude and not use it because this guy gave it to me as a gift. So I had to use it for something. I didn't stab him to death.

I only really stabbed him through the sole of his foot just to see how sharp this knife was. And that's the thing you try down on. I just wanted to use it. Yeah. You know, I just wanted to make sure this guy's gift wasn't just sort of sitting around gathering dust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, I mean, that's what he told me. He said, take this to Victoria, take this to Melbourne, kill a man.

Yeah. Or fucking, you know, give it to Tommy. You already had one. so I had to kill him I could go I could have yours I could double wield oh yeah I would call

well I would love I'm going to go home I'm going to make up I'm going to use that knife to make my own soup and rival the great Rupert Hines

oh you're going to chop up soup with it yeah nice you're going to slice it up cut the top of the can open. Yeah, yes. And cut it in half.

Cut the soup in half because I don't think I could eat a whole soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could only really have half a soup, I reckon, today. No, that's wrong. I'm fucking hungry. It's lunchtime.

Mm. Mm. What soup would you have out of the Heinz stable right now, if you could? Oh, let me look up. Oh. Let me look up the Heinz stable right now if you could? Let me look up. Let me look up the Heinz core range. I'm not really a big soup guy, honestly.

I love ramen and pho and Asian kind of soups, but just someone being like, yeah, just a pumpkin soup for me tonight. I just can't imagine that hitting the spot. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. What do we got here?

Shop Heinz soups. I'm looking on the Coles supermarket website at their range of Heinz. Big red tomato soup. And then big red salt reduced. Yep. Classics. Creamy pumpkin. Italian minestrone.

Sweet corn. Soup of the day old-fashioned chicken soup. Seven veg with herbs. Pea and ham. Anything jumping out at you? Mushroom and haim. So far the lead is the Italian minestrone. Oh.

Big and chunky peppered steak soup. Whoa. I reckon it might be that one. Jesus. It's either that or the minestrone. Okay. So steak out of the can. Yeah, I guess.

Don't mind that? Yeah. No, good point. Yeah. I'm sticking with the minestrone. Okay. Um, Thai style chicken soup. Mm.

It's all that. Style is always a good. Not actually. Just not backing yourself. Not it. Not it. You not backing yourself. Not it. Not it. You know. Lentil and roasted sweet potato da with ginger and turmeric.

Did I ever tell you this? At our wedding, and when I say our, I don't mean me and you, me and don't say our names wedding. Did I ever tell you this? One of the people that was there, their gift was to cater the flowers for the wedding okay and the flowers were imported from thailand okay which i thought it was like you know people like oh you'd like that because they're from thailand yeah i don't really know what thai flowers are like yeah it really doesn't make a difference to me but i do find it funny that instead of just getting flowers from over there,

whatever it is. Yeah, they thought this guy will, yeah. Yeah. But you're not. I mean, you like going to like the bars and the restaurants and stuff. I've never heard you rave about the Botanic Gardens. No, no. There's not a lot of me, you know, outside and picking things to put in vases. Well, going on a holiday to Thailand, it is the fairest Bula.

Stop and take time to smell the roses. So maybe that's, maybe that's where they thought that interest would come from. It's me picking $2 beers to slam down my fucking gullet. But anyway, Heinz,

yeah, Big Red. I'm a Big Red, old school Big Red fan. Oh yeah, nice. Nice. Yeah.

Love it. Love the tomato soup. I'm going to, if I was, if they were all in front of me right now, I'd be sticking to the Italian minestrone. All right. Well, that's a good read for Rupert and his family.

It's a free little plug for him. Yep, you're welcome. Finally, they're going to start going places. Finally, we're putting Heinz on the map. Yep. You're welcome, Rupert. Thanks, Rupert. Thanks, Rupert.

What a fucking name Rupert Yeah Glad we had Hines in there So we didn't have to Spend too much time Focusing on Rupert Yeah It's

I think that'd be verging on Name change time Yeah there was a Rupert At my school And I always thought It was a bit of a name But then Friends of My girlfriends have a young kid.

He's like two, called Rupert. And for a baby, I like it. For a baby, I like it. Yep. Yep. Well, maybe that's it. Maybe he got such positive feedback as a small child that he's like, Rupert's great. And then he just had to, he's been holding on to that for the rest of his life.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of goodwill early on. It'll be interesting to see this kid grow and at what point do you go, okay, it's pathetic that you're called Rupert now. Yeah. Well, maybe this is a baby.

I mean, that's, you know. Could be a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listening to this show, sure, you could be two years old enjoying this. Exactly, you should be. Yes. Thanks, Rupert.

Goo-goo-ga-ga. Thanks, Rupi. Thanks for giving your little pocket money, breaking open the piggy bank and giving me your money. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Scott Blencow. Blencow. Very awkward name. Yeah.

B-L-E-N-C-O-W-E. Oof. Clunky. Yeah. Blencow. Blencow. God. No good. Don't approve. Clunky. Yeah. Blend Cow. Blend Cow. God. No good.

Don't approve. Scottish shit name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Blend Cow. Blend Cow. I'm looking it up. This is it. Let's see. What are we dealing with? Well, if this is the person Oh, you're looking up, okay

Gee What? A teacher Okay, Mr. Blencow I'm looking up on LinkedIn It is a real teacher name Mr. Blencow Someone teaching health and physical education I'm looking up on LinkedIn. It is a real teacher name, Mr. Blend Cow.

Someone teaching health and physical education? Does that sound like... A phys ed teacher. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Fuck. A phys ed teacher. Yeah. Subscribing to us.

Yeah. Gee. Damn. That's... I would love to think of... I'd love to make a little bingo map of of all the occupations we we sit down and go who would we like like i would like that on on the on the map like a pe teacher like an astronaut yeah yeah yeah could we have that we took the other week about that uh

doctor who we looked up and he like does a podcast oh yeah he's like verified on instagram yes he loved his little moment in the sun he's been interacting i've been noticing him a lot more on the yes it's funny when you get your list of notifications and there's the ones that are just like got a blue tick next to them always stick out and i'm like oh yes the good doctor liked that one yes well this guy this guy um you know sometimes sometimes we've been a bit like, oh, if, you know, say that doctor, oh, give us a few tips. Give us a few, you know, I've got an itchy elbow. What's that all about?

I think we were like, have us on your podcast and we'll ask you like the dumbest medical questions. And he's clearly heard it. And he like commented on the thing that week being like, thanks for the name read, boys. Just absolutely no follow up. the thing that week being like thanks for the name read boys just absolutely no follow-up i can't think of anything worse than having to fucking diagnose these two mutts on my podcast yeah um well this guy he could uh he could get us fit he could uh

i'll tell you i'll say this i don't know I don't know how much information he wants to give out, but I believe he may work at a... Don't. No? Don't say it. You can't say where he works. I'm not going to say the name of the... Let's just say PE teacher.

Okay, right. All right, PE teacher plus... Well, this is the guy, and who knows if it is, but it's come up as PE teacher. But this has also come up as part of his job at a school, right? Because I'm assuming this is not your full-time job. This is like a little role that's been given to you as well. But this is the role that he does at this school, maybe.

Social justice animator. Huh. What does that mean? Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. Social justice animator. Yeah.

What literally does that mean? Social justice, I'm like, I've barely got a grip on. But how are you animating that? Well, if someone's known as a social justice warrior, it's like they're the one always leaping into the fray in arguments online about very of-the-moment debates that people have. But an animator, I don't know.

Is this a guy going back and finding all the old Bugs Bunny cartoons where he's doing the eyes and rubbing them out, putting new eyes in? I mean, maybe. If that's what it was, that would be cool. Just doing very wide open eyes on Bugs from the 1930s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's saying, me reiki carrots.

Yeah. Yeah. That'll fix it. Yeah. That'll fix this cartoon up. Yeah. Nothing else dodgy here. I don't want to touch the work of Mel Blanc, but I will animate the eyes out of it.

Okay. Well, if that is your job, Blend Cow, let us know because that's quite a little... to have a nice combo of PE teacher doing a bit of volleyball and doing a bit of Bugs Eyes. If he's a... I mean, yeah, if he's a PE teacher and then he's reanimating

all these old Looney Tunes episodes, that's going to take a lot of time. Like, how's he going to find the time to date a 17-year-old student as well? Uh-oh. Hey! Uh-oh. Hey. Uh-oh. Yeah.

PA teachers. And at a certain type of school as well. Oh, dear. Yeah. It's all adding up. Woo. Woo. Uh-oh.

Well, thanks for being part of what we do. Why don't some people put their names down? Yeah. We look them up. We name their workplace. We call them pedophiles. Why do some people put their name as Carl? Don't read me out.

I guess this guy's going, well, whatever you got for me. It can't be worse than what you guys are yourselves, you fucking losers. Maybe this guy knows about this other, you know, this isn't him, the guy and he knows that and he's like yeah boys do your worst look me up that is now that is a good grade of patreon subscriber where you sign yourself up as someone you know yeah and then you give the details out and you go fucking have at it yeah that would be good yeah and you just sit there and wait wait for this person to get along now that's good imagine if we tracked down a missing person on this pod someone who hasn't been heard from their family don't know what happened to them 10 years ago yeah and then they're listening to this and we like read the name out and they're like oh my god that's them

yes it's like some really specific name and then they're getting in touch with us like can you pass on the email because they just we've had no idea where they are yeah and they find out through us yeah well no this is like they covered their tracks so well yeah but they just couldn't resist subscribing to a patreon for a podcast yeah that well that would be that would be good um in that you know like at a gig like if you're emceeing someone will come up and go oh we're in a group and it's Wobbsy's birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, get stuck into him. Yeah, yeah, get him.

All that sort of stuff. That's the equivalent of that on this show would be that. Signing up on behalf of someone else. Yep. And saying. Get him. Yep. Yep.

Yep. You make a fake LinkedIn profile for him. Yep. Job. Chief executive at the dick-sucking factory. Get him. Yeah. Job. Chief executive at the dick sucking factory. Get him, boys. And he's being promoted five times this month. Okay, great.

Well, thanks, Scott. Thanks, Scott. Thanks and sorry, Scott. Yeah. That's the harshest one we've done in a while. Yeah, yeah. Because I looked a little bit too deep. All right, let the harshest one we've done in a while. Cause we got it. I looked at a little bit too deep.

Um, all right, let's just do one more. Uh, it's lunchtime. Ring a ding ding. Uh, thank you very much to patient subscriber,

Patrick comedy McDermott. Patrick comedy McDermott. Yeah. Right. Let's just look this guy up. Uh, Oh, this is Olivia Newton-John's missing husband. Right. We found him.

We found him. And his middle name's Comedy. His middle name's Comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why people haven't been able to find him because they're not searching for the middle name. Yes, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure. He's been hiding in plain sight all this time. Wow. Okay. name yes that's it that's the sure he's been hiding in plain sight all this time wow okay and he's been in a fishing village just listening to our show yeah wow okay great well get in touch so weirdly he was ashamed of like being married to olivia newton john but not listening to this yeah that is weird that is strange well yeah get in touch if you've if you've been looking for him. Yep. We can pass on the email. We found him. DumDumFan68 at gmail.com. Yeah, he's given his coordinates in his email address as well. So if you want to find him, just let us know.

Yep. All right. Well, thanks. Well, thanks, Patrick. Thanks, Patrick. And thanks everyone else who listens and supports the show on Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumDumClub. Head to LittleDumDumClub.com for tickets to the live shows to little dumb dumb club dot com for tickets

to the live shows that we have coming up oh Perth is coming up yes thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates