The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 677 - Guy Montgomery & Melanie Bracewell

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

This week we're talking into the 'phones with GUY MONTGOMERY and MELANIE BRACEWELL! Tommy's scared of getting murdered, Karl's been shopping for a night light, and we get Guy and Mel interested in performing at The Worst of Melbourne Comedy by looking through some upcoming Adelaide comedy line-ups PLUS we dive into Karl's nefarious letter-writing past! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Guy Montgomery and Melanie Bracewell. We are doing some live shows. We have Perth, November the 40th, and we... 40th? Fucking hell. 4th, November the 4th, and we have Melbourne, November the 25th. The 250th in your language, Tommy. Exactly, the 250th day of November. Yes, that's a new announced show, Tommy. So, yeah, get on that.

Get on both of those, guys. We haven't done a live show for a little bit, so make the most of it. Smaller venue. See you there, Perth and Melbourne. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new one with Guy Montgomery and Melanie Bracewell.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Just me talking into the phone here. My apparent new nickname for the microphone that I accidentally said before.

You went to say microphone, you said phone, someone in the room pointed it out and you were like, did I? You were very taken aback as if we'd gotten you on the most embarrassing thing a person can do. Like I'd been upskirted, but anyway. Joining us today, two very special guests and upskirt aficionados. Please welcome Guy Montgomery and Mel Bracewell. The Jonah Lomu and Dave Dobbin of New Zealand comedy.

Of upskirters. Yeah. I was thinking you're calling on your phone. It's officially called the Mike Rowe. The R calling a phone you know it's officially called the mic row the row do you know what I was trying to

workshop that in my head so if I don't get to a funny point before I talk I just present you know like the mechanics

yeah show the working out that is better slang isn't it just talking in the row yeah that's alright just rowing it up yeah rowing my little row. That's all right. Just rowing it up.

Rowing my little row board. Well, it is a real drop the row moment. That's good. That all works. I'm on the phone right now. I'm busy. I can't answer my teller. I'm speaking into the phone.

I'm a bit busy on the phone right now. Where are you? On stage, you idiot. Yeah. Are we all high? Because you know the telephone has a microphone in it whoa man it's like double layers of foam i remember like the first time smoking weed and feeling like that about the world everything suddenly becomes fascinating and then you just never you know i still smoke weed but you never get that part back

where it's like everything's amazing oh really that's really sad yeah like things are funny and you look at things differently like it's still a fresh perspective but it's not like whoa this and that yeah hallucinogens do that though okay you can't go home yeah but you think it's is it maybe like you're doing it enough that it's like that's become your default that's your baseline yeah yeah that's where i write from That's your normal way of seeing the world, man. It's more twisted to be straight. I used to smoke more weed. Now I smoke a small amount of weed consistently. But I have like one drawer on a piece of weed,

you know, through whichever receptacle. And that's as high as I like to be now. Operational still. You're a dad now, that's why. Yeah. Responsible, bonk smoking. We co-parent. I don't smoke weed if my stepdaughter's around. Yeah, beingible, we co-parent. I don't smoke weed

if my stepdaughter's around. Yeah, being a stepdad, I mean, that's a cool guy to be and smoke weed. Like an actual dad, a bit weird,

but a stepdad, that's a hell of a vibe. Yeah, yeah, that's, I feel like I'm, you're painting a picture of my life

that I'm looking at and I'm feeling embarrassed. I've never been much of a weed smoker. Like I was out for dinner the other night. I met someone for the first time, a friend of a friend, and he offered me a joint afterwards. He's like, I'm going to go outside and smoke a joint. Do you want some?

And my reply was, this is a Wednesday night, I was like, oh, I better not. I was going to read a book when I got home. I don't want to, like, I want to read this book. read a book when I got home I don't want to like I want to read this book I want to take it in I don't want to be you know they don't drug test you at the library

it's funny though sometimes someone will be like oh I'm just going to go you know you meet someone I'm just going to go smoke weed you want in here and sometimes you'll be like nah

and then they'll come back and they're like the whole vibe is off for them you know it's like the idea is this mood enhancer it makes you more giggly or more fun. But some people go and get stoned and come back and they've just made themselves all rot.

A shell of a human. 100%. Like if you're at the pub and no one's drinking and one person's just slamming it, like after the second pint, it's like the mood has shifted. This guy's dead weight. We've got to cut him loose. There's an imbalance.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, well, thanks for flying over the distrust. You've got to cut him loose there's an imbalance yeah exactly yeah well thanks thanks for flying over the distrust you've got a laptop in front of you I'm assuming this is work are you watching something

no you keep glancing at it no because I have my little podcast set list on it oh I have little things that

funny things that happen to me and I write down it sometimes he used to come into the room with it printed out and like duct tape

it to the floor yeah yeah yeah exactly I'd bring in another spare guest and I write down it something he used to come into the room with it printed out and like duct tape it to the floor yeah yeah I was like this is just I'd bring in another spare guest and I'd just go line to them

and yell yell out a thing can I so you these are like because this is sort of how you know some comedians

write jokes but all of your jokes are not you never do anecdotes all your jokes are jokes on stage you mean yeah

yes they're joke jokes so your anecdotes go into the pocket no in person and all the time are jokes on stage you mean yeah yes they're joke jokes so your anecdotes go into the podcast no in person and all the time you only speak in one liners and then your

anecdotes go into the podcast it's fascinating to be behind the curtain that's it whenever something happens to me

that's very short I go I know where this is going and if anything happens in more than three sentences I'm like that goes in the other category there's a word limit of your anecdote something's happening

and you're like we gotta wrap this up now because i'd love to be stand up and then what do you talk about in your day-to-day life you know with your loved ones oh right yeah stuff that's not stuff that's not good enough for either of those two. The drinks. Yeah, everyone I know, like, out of comedy, I'm just the most boring cunt of all time. Because I'm saving it for you and for the people in the audience. Because you won't burn gear for this on me. You'll save a good story for the pod.

Yes, absolutely. But do you do the same thing with your wife? You're like, just listen to the pod all day. I don't want to burn this with you. No, no, the exact opposite. I say things on here and and go do not listen to this pod ever sure sure people on this podcast know people that listen to this podcast know more about me than my wife does absolutely it is the the um you know the veil of there's not like the relationship between a podcast listener you just because if you're doing this weekly, the amount of information you're sharing

and the lack of filter that develops, you know, it's so reckless. It's interesting that you guys keep calling it the pod. I would go with the cast. Chatting on the cast. Yeah,

it's just sort of, you know, it's like I'm coming in started. Language fascination. Yeah, it's always the case with you, like people from overseas to come in and,

you know, disassemble our language over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Point out what's so weird. I think you've noticed that we've got a lot of cafes here too, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah, you guys love charging a lot of money for avocado. Oh, brother.

And you really race it. That's another big one. We're really on one at the moment in that regard. You guys do things a little different yeah so you are a stepdad so how much how much control do you have over the over the child control

oh my god even if the phrasing was different it's such an intense question you know who I was hoping I could reflect on my journey as a stepdad too is the dum-dum listeners. You know, but like you're still because you're the stepdad. You still sort of going, you know, there's morals that you should be taking. Well, so I met my stepdaughter when she was two and she's eight now.

So she's had a stepmom. Yeah, well done. She's had a stepmom yeah well done and she's had a stepmom that whole time as well so she's basically grown up with four right sort of parental figures yes and so uh i would never do anything to sort of override or change any of the you know ethical beliefs held by her dad but when she's with us i'm like so like i'm delegating chores and shit like that you're like an assistant coach you're not going against the main coach

you're still going through the philosophies you're just doing more practice but like you know I'm an assistant coach and there are other teams looking at me being like

that guy's ready you know like we can poach him this guy's a good coach yeah he could step up and do it all himself no but

yeah it is you know without wanting to get too earnest on your fucking stupid cast thank you but yeah it's a it is you know without wanting to get too earnest on your fucking stupid cast thank you it is

it's a fascinating it is a fascinating you know I grew up with if you get too earnest the phone will cut out yeah well my parents are still together

so I didn't grow up as a you know I didn't grow up in a blended family and you don't plan to be a step parent it's just incidental

to whoever you've met so it is interesting like the experience it's not I don't plan to be a step-parent it's just incidental to whoever you've met so it is interesting like the experience it's not um i don't have any friends who are doing it either so i'm sort of making it up as i go along yeah i actually started i i started therapy because i wanted to have a an objective outside eye to to talk parts of it through with really yeah so it was like you went to therapy for someone else sort of yeah well just like you know i mean that's i mean most yeah there's parts of it that i can't i don't i don't

need to or want to talk to you know chelsea my partner with and like this you know you that's the the magic of therapy is you're paying someone basically I think you're paying someone to not have to listen back you know like I'm paying someone and they just have to listen and give constructive feedback and I don't have to give them anything in return

except money in terms of emotional bandwidth yeah if you're at the pub with someone and you're getting advice you know that and if you're like this is some of the worst

fucking shit I've ever heard in my life you still have to be like thanks man that's really good insight I really appreciate you wasting my time with this. It feels much like doing a podcast. Just talking it out.

Yeah, you're just riffing. You're just paying someone to riff at them for a bit. Yeah. This may surprise you as a parent, but if there was a good cop bad cop in the house I'm the bad cop oh you're a strict guy

yeah I'm the strict guy I can believe it I've been at gigs you run you are a strict guy yeah totally you're flogging her with the white pages

so you don't leave a mark the white pages fucking right I'm the one that does old references no.com on an iPad still doesn't leave a mark

as long as you've got that website loaded up it doesn't leave any bruises and now Tommy's wasting good gear on the podcast he is he's almost a one liner

he doesn't even have this written down this guy's wasting this so my wife is very like like i just what like the kid will be saying i i want this i want that and you know when we're out shopping i want this okay and just grabs it i'm like why are you grab why did she just get three new toys like well because she wanted them i'm like no that's not how you bring up a kid i don't i don't want a spoiled kid growing up so then every time she goes out it's like all like

she's now coaching you're incinerating two of the toys in front of it yeah yeah yeah i'm chucking out toys at home i'm bringing them to the salvos and stuff like that it's like there's you know what it is like the land of milk and honey and then austerity when it's just dead at home it's like no no no well yeah it's yeah i have to be the non-fun one a lot of the time but it's like our house is just full of toys. It's insane. So then every time she goes out with mum... Nothing wrong with that.

Well, see, that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to make this kid not you. What a beautiful parenting goal. Pass some of them over to me. They're probably my things on. So she's going out and getting everything, getting like, comes home,

has ice cream for dinner and all this sort of stuff and so she's getting spoiled but then when I go out with her, it's all like, Dad, give me that, give me that and I'm like trying to redress the situation. So she's still,

because I remember like, everyone has a softer parent and you're with the softer one and you're like, Mum's going to get me an ice cream, I reckon. I'm not even going to bother trying it on with dad, but she still thinks it's just like blanket.

Yeah. She hasn't worked out. Hasn't worked it out. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is an episode where I feel like you're going to go home and be

your, be your wife. Like, Hey, you should, I listened to this podcast. Because whenever I do a story like this, I say it,

then everyone goes, no, you're wrong. You fucking idiot. It's like, now I don't want her to listen to it. No, I, you know her to listen to it no I you know

without wanting to venture into your personal life it sounds like you're being a sensible guy well so this is this is the thing

remember this remember that once upon a time you said that yes that's going on the show poster it's great promotion for um comedy like your

Carl Chandler selling a stand up show the full quote is he seems sensible the next time someone weirdly enough

that you've already said it oh he's too strict at his gig I'll re-quote you back to you I'm actually quite sensible you'll find

so every time we go it's you once everything and this came to a head this is like a week ago we phone. So every time we go out, she wants everything. And this came to her head, this is like a week ago. Her little nightlight went out. We needed a new little, she had this

tiny little thing, you know, like a couple of inches big, and we needed a new one of them. And so I was like... It's huge. It's actually average. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Nice. Talking about my daughter, but anyway. It's huge. It's actually average. Okay, sorry. Sorry.

Yeah, nice. So, talking about my daughter, but anyway. I think he's talking about his cock. I must get my wife to listen to this one. This would have made great stand-up. It's such a shame. It's such a shame. So, my buddy Carl's got a kid, right?

And he's saying... Hang on, hang on. You've used half your word count already. So I said, you know what? We're going to go to Ikea. We'll get like a cheap little nightlight, whatever. On the way, we're walking. He told you you're going to get a cheap one.

Yeah, well, you know, I don't want to spend big money on a nightlight. So I think, you know, what are they worth, Ten bucks or something? So on the way, we went past a lighting shop. And so my kids, a little blanket, we call it a blanket on this show, because on the way, we went past this light shop, and she goes, well, why don't we go in there?

We go, that's the lighting shop. I'm like, because it's an actual lighting shop, I'm like, I'm going to be paying a double in here. I'm trying not to go in there. You're going to walk out with a chandelier. They're going to upsell you. Someone is reading ahead. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I knew I shouldn't have had this laptop facing me. So I go, okay, we'll go in there. And she goes, I saw the one. I want the one. I want the one. I want this one. I said, which one?

And she goes, I'll show you. I saw it. I went, and I'm looking at a few in the window. I'm going, okay, they look a bit big. But anyway, I'll show you goes I'll show you I saw it I went and I'm looking at a few in the window I'm going okay they look a bit big but anyway I'll show you I'll show you

we walk in she goes daddy that's the one points at an actual chandelier yeah nice an actual chandelier not a little one

not one that would fit in this room one that is I reckon quite easily two thirds as big as this room yeah that's nice and she legitimately goes as a night light she legitimately Yeah, that's nice. And she legitimately goes. As a nightlight.

She legitimately asked for that as a nightlight. And I'm like, my wife is spoiling this kid too much. She wants a chandelier as a nightlight. You should have gotten it and then been to your wife. Your move. How do you spoil her from here? That's got to be the, that's the ceiling of it, ironically. She's got a sippy goblet.

And legit, I just laughed and went, we are not getting that as your nightlight. And she goes, okay, that one picked the next biggest chandelier. Yeah, okay. Did not get it to start with. Good negotiator. Insane. And like literally, weirdly enough, her room is not that big.

That chandelier would be As big as her room Touch the edge It would touch the edge You went through This negotiation Where did you get to? You're not having it Nothing

No no no Why did you go in the lighting? I know the monsters Are going to get you No no no Why did you go in there? Because she wanted to She did need a night light

And I was like Okay we'll go in there And maybe there'll be A budget version That's reasonable You know it's like You're'll go in there and maybe there'll be a budget version. That's reasonable. You know, it's like, you're not going in there being like, we're going to come out with a chandelier. It's like, you know. Thank you.

This is the most support I've had on this podcast for years. That's two things you've agreed with me on. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were saying, like, you knew you were going to get flogged on the price. And you go into Ikea. Yeah, yes. You get some meatballs. I'm thinking I'd pay $50, not $3,000 or whatever.

What a chandelier. No, they'll be like $10,000 or something. And are the staff kind of like overhearing this and like trying to like talk to your daughter on the phone? And the pros of the chandelier. Yeah, you could go for a cheaper one. That is your choice.

It's not going to work as a nightlight. No, no, it comes with a dimmer. So you'll be all right. You could go with the cheapest chandelier that might fall down onto your foyer. You know, whatever. If you want to cut costs, that's on you. No, we ended up going with like a, man, honestly,

the cheapest thing in the lighting shop, $120. Wow. We went with $120. So this wasn't like a lighting direct. I don't know if you have that. This is like a sort of boutique lighting shop with high-end shit. Is this a beacon? Oh, look, I don't want to drop names, but yes. I don't want to give them free. have there this is a like a sort of boutique lighting shop yes this is a beacon oh look i

don't want to drop names but yes i don't want to give them free i don't want to give them free advertising and 120 fucking bucks for a nightlight but yes that's who it was did you guys have nightlights as kids no i can't remember if i did or not i remember either yeah i did i was a cowardly little kid really i would have i reckon i would have had it if there had been night lights we didn't have night lights in Maribor you had the little candle on the train I remember

having a nightmare there's a series of children's books in New Zealand called Harry McCleary Harry McCleary from Donaldson's Dairy. And the villain in the book is a cat called Scarface Claw, the toughest Tom in town. And I had such a vivid nightmare about Scarface Claw.

I had to get a nightlight after that because I had a nightmare about this cat. About reading Harry McCleary. Not even, I read just about the cat hissing at me. And I was so freaked out. I was like, I need a nightlight. And I got a nightlight from that. And I remember it.

You know, I was going, I remember when I was a kid, because we didn't have snakes in New Zealand. There was a toilet next to my bedroom, you know, and I used to think that if I hadn't made, after I went to the toilet at night, if I hadn't run into my room and jumped in my bed before the toilet stopped flushing, a snake was going to jump out of the toilet

and bite my penis off. That was a legitimate fear I carried around. Hang on, but you started the story by saying we don't have snakes in New Zealand. Well, I know. This is the thing. It was so irrational. I knew we didn't have snakes.

I was still like, there's a toilet snake. There's a toilet snake. I want to bite my penis off. This was a couple of weeks ago, right? They got there through the plumbing, like the Eurostar. Yeah. Well, I'm relaxed in New Zealand now, but in Australia, I've still got to do the same. That's crazy.

I did not know that you didn't have snakes in New Zealand. Not even in the zoos. No natural predators. That's why our birds are all flightless. They had nothing to be afraid of. Oh, really? Yeah. What, you don't have cats over there?

Oh, we've got cats. The birds are still afraid of them even though they're not there. They have to run to their little burrows. Yeah, yeah. Did you guys have shit like, sorry to derail the conversation from animals, but did you guys have any fears

or memories like that as kids? Or is that, I'm just curious. No, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I was always, I would be shit scared of my posters that I had on the wall and then I'd wake up

in the morning and go oh they're fine I'll keep them up another day and then at night time Jack the Ripper poster we had the

you know we had the AIDS groom reaper up there with the bowling ball and whatever it's phenomenal this is like literally the seeds

of like a life of toxic relationships being sown by you with yourself in your poster. It's not good. And then we're like, I love you, baby. It's okay. We can make it work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I'm more, genuinely, I think I'm more scared at night now than I've ever been. It's worse and worse as I get older. If I'm like in an Airbnb or a strange house, I hear a creak, I'm like someone's coming to kill me oh legitimate constant fear that i have holy moly especially if i'm like staying somewhere like in the country and there's like you know like pretty secluded long like track to get into the house i'll just convince myself like i can hear footsteps i can hear

people coming down the gravel this is it there's a town psycho who's come to get me i like the thing that there's like a group of sort of high-end serial killers who are like being like, we've got to get that. We've got to get Desilo on the books. That's it. That's how I talk myself off the ledge. I'm like, so what do I think's happened here? They've seen me roll into town.

They've overheard me talk about this big shot podcast. This is going to be the ultimate trophy. If I get rid of him i'll be able to gab with chando every every wednesday and then we'll be famous we'll be on one of those true crime podcasts yeah yeah like um mark david chapman you know the guy who killed john lennon yeah i love john lennon so much yeah but yeah no i i like it's honestly getting worse like i reckon i reckon've, definitely as a kid, I used to be sweating under the sheets. Did you have that as a kid? Like where you'd be, whatever, scared of the dark, whatever it was when you're in bed as a kid.

But you're so petrified that, of course, you pull the sheets up and you go, well, this is the only way out of this. But I would do that like in summer. So you'd just be pissing sweat under those sheets. But just like, well, at least i've got my health you know what i mean i remember being a kid and watching the it like the original it yes and obviously being scared of it and my parents like it was like a running joke how scared i was like they just roasted me all the time and i only thought about it recently that i think i was i was definitely not older than seven when i watched

it like that was on me a seven-year-old is scared of a horror movie i mentioned the brace where i was paying what should we do should we admit fault or should we just bully her into thinking absolutely that's it now that's a stepdad move renting a scary movie too young man i'm trying to reclaim positive ground for stepdad. Do you know what the thing about stepdad is? I was going to say a bit about the scary stuff. What I was going to say is I reckon you get to a point where, I've definitely got to a point where when you're a kid or whatever,

you go, oh, what if someone comes in and they kill me? I'm so scared of that. But I think at my age now, it's like, yeah, what if someone kills you? I'm like, it's not the worst thing. Wouldn't have to deal with the cost of living yeah would actually be

pretty relaxing scary up top I wouldn't have to deal with some of these deaths it's fine we went away yeah recently

and I'm like these trips to like the in like a secluded Airbnb because I've got tinnitus so like

so it's like the silence as well of just noticing like the ringing in my ears plus then over the top of that's like the silence as well of just noticing like the ringing in my ears plus then over the top of that being like is that the footsteps

of someone to kill me it's like by the end of the trip I'm like this is the most stressed I've been in days I can trace that back to when you were a kid

you had too many toys I think it's given you lifelong anxiety yeah it's still current that chandelier over the beers that's why I'm getting all the toys

So they can protect me My little army Little army I had a bird fly into my room Once when I was a kid And then I got swooped At a playground Within like a month of each other

And it was like That's it for birds I think that's it for birds Yeah A bird indoors The scariest fucking thing When you're a kid Oh

Even as an adult It's stressful They don't know what they're doing in there Yeah And you can't shepherd them out You can't go Just there indoors the scariest fucking thing when you're a kid oh even as an adult it's stressful yeah they don't know what they're doing in there yeah i and you can't shepherd them out you can't go just yeah and they're they're hating it as well yeah that's the irony they don't want to fucking be in there yeah but you want to reclaim you want to like bring you want to reclaim the stepdad well i just no more just like i don't know i don't even think like stepmoms at least have a sort of a vague you know overarching con you know like there's a concept of what they're like in popular culture which is

that they're all money hungry bitches right which is terrible but it's like at least they're getting talked about like stepdads aren't even in the fucking frame sure sure there's no there's no public discourse about stepdad well the only thing I think we've all agreed on is like, as soon as you said you smoke a little bit of weed, we're like, oh, that's about it. That's about your identity. Yeah, yeah, I know. That's good stepdad vibe, yeah.

Shirt tucked in, smoking weed. Yeah, shirt tucked in, smoking weed. It's confusing for some people. Hold on. Why is this kind of... What they don't realize is people who smoke weed can be pretty particular about how they look you know yeah

you can turn the energy in before we got to the stupidest thing I was remembering another thing when I was a kid being in bed was like

my dream was always I always loved the idea of like a secret room or a chamber you know like obviously and my dream was like say underneath

but you don't want anyone to know about it so underneath the sheet or the duvet in the bed it's like there's a trapdoor in the mattress and you open that and you can go down and there's a secret room that's actually through the bed under the whole yeah bedroom right and that was all i was like fuck if i could just get that good you know yeah yeah that's that's funny because i was thinking about that like you

know when you keep trap doors and secret entrances you go that is the dream you know like a book shelf that swirls around and then there's another thing or whatever yeah but like as an adult, you know, whenever you see one of those things, it was like, you know, there's a bar and you just turn this bookcase around and you go, why the fuck are they hiding a business? Yeah, they're big on TikTok. They're like, you know, there'll be like someone's gaming room where you're like, even as a gamer, this looks pathetic. It's like, oh, like my wife doesn't know this is here.

I push a little button and then there's all this. But as a business, it's just like, oh, yeah, we've got a new business. Why? We hid our business. We put it behind a bookshelf. We tried to hide ourselves. I was walking down Chapel Street the other day and there was like a massive neon sign outside a business that was lit up that said, speak easy. And I was like, what's the difference?

Almost. That's the difference. Almost. When I was a kid, I really wanted to have that sort of like the whole kind of secret lair cubby house thing. And I did this big drawing of what I wanted it to be. And it was going to have this like underground bit as well. And because my dad was an architect, I was like, could we build this cubby house? And he was like, sure.

Now, it's going to need a bit of a hole to get the foundations in. So if you dig the hole, then sure thing. If you dig the hole. Yeah. So I was just like, okay, Dad. So I was just out there for a whole weekend. I think Dad needed a hole dug anyway. And it just tricked me into doing it.

And I'm just out there fucking shoveling dirt. Literally for entire weekend days thinking like, this is awesome. This is the first step to me having the ultimate cubby house and just imagining my dad just looking through the window being like

fuck that was so easy he's distracted for a whole weekend we don't have to do shit I've gotten him to do this chore and there's no way that he actually

did it for you no no the hole just stayed there and then I think he filled it in with some stuff he was planning

to fill it in with anyway and that was the end of it great soil the soil you dug out. Yeah. A few bodies. Yeah. Yeah, you just left it three weeks.

This is actually handy because there's a lot of dirt over here we need to get rid of. Yeah. I just put it back in. That's why I'm scared about being murdered is because that's what my dad did professionally. No wonder you were scared about that. You had a big hole waiting for you. You know what we're going to need for this cubbyhole, don't you, son? A whole lot of rope

and some limestone. A few tombstones. I have found a new favourite gig, potentially. Right, so we all just stand up. Now, we talk a bit

on the show about there was a plant and it continued to be sort of floated around and we want to take it over, but there was a planned and continued it's continued to be sort of floated around and we want to take it over but there was going to be a gig at Hungry Jack's oh wow so not only just normal Hungry Jack's Hungry Jack's at the train station yeah so it was advertised for quite a while it never it kept getting delayed this is serious this is serious just a just Hungry Jack's comedy so yeah but you guys weren't organized no no not us not us yeah someone just came up This is serious. This is serious. Just Hungry Jacks comedy. Oh, yeah, guys. This is serious. No, no, no, not us.

Not us. Someone just came up with this thing where it was going to be Hungry Jacks comedy, and we were just sort of obsessed with the idea that, obviously, Hungry Jacks have no idea about this. Someone's just gone into the janitor. Someone's been mopping up and going, could we run a gig in here? And he's like, sure.

And then they've gone away and gone, Hungry Jacks comedy event on Facebook sort of thing. It's been like, the date's been changed like eight or nine times at this point because it was like there were a couple of lockdowns and then the lockdowns were a thing of the past and we went, we are on here. Hungry Jack's Comedy is finally going to happen. It was the real loss of the pandemic.

It really was. We had to delay Hungry Jack's Comedy. A lot of the hardest sacrifices we don't even see. So there's that. We need to delay Hungry Jack's comedy. A lot of the hardest sacrifices, you know, we don't even see. Yeah. So there's that. We've been obsessed with that. Then my next plan, so next comedy festival, I'm going to start a show called,

because I do a show in the comedy festival. I curate, I produce a show called Best of Melbourne Comedy. Now, what's been missing, of course, is the polar opposite of that, which is Worst of Melbourne Comedy. So next year, I'm going to register a show called Worst of Melbourne Comedy because I'm just very fascinated to see who would turn up to a show called The Worst of Melbourne Comedy. Much easier to book.

It's a good premise. That's one you can just put the call out and accept literally anyone who responds. Yes. I'd love to perform on it and just eat it. Yes. Just go out and bomb. Yeah. Well, that's...

Yeah. If you do really well, just eat it. Yes. You know, just go out and bomb. Yeah, well, that's, yeah. Yeah. If you do really well, that's bad. Yeah. I would say even if you did your best, you would bomb because who is coming to a show called Worst of Melbourne Comedy? There's not many people who are going to laugh. I don't know.

Would you go to that? I think you'd be curious if it was not expensive. Yes. Yes. You wouldn't want to drop 30 bucks on a rest. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that's great.

What if I do Worst of Melbourne Comedy? 50 bucks to get in. on a rest. Yes, yes. Yeah, that's great. What if I do worse than Melbourne Comedy? $50 to get in. The most expensive show in the festival. There was a good bit of promotion that I got quite into for an anti-woke comedy show that was on in the festival this year, I think. Oh, yeah. Cue them around. Which obviously is not worst of at all.

That's more competing with your best of shows. Because I think it's about time some people were brave enough to say what's really going on exactly, because you know when we get up on stage and the owner of the bar is telling us explicitly what to say and what not to say blindly those rules are broken yeah, you have to submit your

script to the glassy 24 hours before the kids get the sensor notes back you can't talk about relationships read off the autocue down at the pub in front of three people. So are you

going to register this? Are you going to register Worst of Melbourne Comedy? It's happening. And tickets,

how much? That's blown my mind. Now that Mel said $30 and I'm like, fuck, I can charge big money

for this. This is great. I mean, conservatively, I was going to make it very cheap participant passes welcome yeah absolutely they'll go straight on stage

hey guys worst of Mel and Connie is looking a little empty tonight if any pass holders want to come through got some reviewers in I would hate to get

anything above a one star so if you can pack the room out and sit in silence that'd be great it's so funny someone like accidentally killing while they're

and I've got prison oh I'm furious oh I'm gonna get he's doing his best gear up there I fucking told him I'm gonna get the shepherd's crook

that's what I need yes get someone I think you're creating the gong show yeah but you're willing people to be bad it's the reverse gong that's great I love that

we're looking a little bit empty at the worst of Melbourne comedy putting some promo ticks on can't think of why I think we haven't got the name out there properly yet guys it's the worst of Melbourne comedy you do one of those great Twitter spirals

that people love to do in week three. I'm having a fucking time of it. No industry are coming.

Worst of Melbourne comedy being like, yeah, everyone's having a down year. The fucking recession's killed

us. Guys, come tonight because worst of Melbourne comedy is retiring and this is your last chance to say if you don't

turn up, I'm no longer going to be putting the worst of Melbourne comedy on every night okay yep but I've so I'm fascinated

with trying to create the worst gig is this going to be a one-off or a regular or how are you going to do it I cannot put myself through doing a show

every night 25 times I was going to say there is not enough bad comedy in Melbourne to have every night but then I've gone was going to say, there is not enough bad comedy in Melbourne to have every night, but then I've gone, there absolutely is.

Absolutely, yeah. But it's all about how many empty, how many times it can be funny to run that show. That's great. Someone comes and does best of Melbourne comedy and they just fucking suck a big one and then you're their side of stage like, hey mate, that was really great.

I've got another, you've really impressed me. I want to rebook you. I've got another spot for you not at the same time not at the same venue it's a little bit adjacent from this game yeah take over your life

you're out watching every single show yeah do this bit and then of course the opposite I'm at the worst of Melbourne Comics

something's killing I'm like get the fuck off my side and get to my other one exactly yeah this is a busy month for you. You're just bombing and killing either side,

just getting shuttled between satellite vehicles. I think a weekly is pretty good for a worst-of showcase. Yeah, I think so. It's the right amount. Maybe a Monday night. More than one, definitely. You'd hate to do it once and it'd really suck and just think it was just a fluke.

You need to know that you can consistently do a week of bad gigs. Your thought is that I go to a one-off worst of Melbourne comedy gig, it sucks, and I go, how do I really know it's going to suck? I can't enjoy this. I'd better do this more than once. I can't enjoy this victory. Yeah, that might have been lightning in a bottle. No one will believe that this worst of Melbourne comedy

gig really was bad. Yeah, if you really believe in it, you're going to need to curate like the best, you know, you're going to need a classy who's

very clumsy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need house music not turned off, some pokies. You need everything to be going right. Okay, that's good.

Well, it's the worst of Melbourne comedy, not the worst of venue stuff. Yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. Are you saying you want these things are going to get in the way? Well, now we're actually getting into sort of fast territory. Yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. Are you saying you want, these things are going

to get in the way? Well, now we're actually getting into sort of fast territory, like, you know, it's the play that goes wrong or whatever. Yeah, I don't want,

I don't want, That's exactly what this is. I don't want Fawlty Towers The Dining Experience. I just want a bad comedy. It's a good seller, The Fawlty Towers Dining Experience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, maybe it'll turn into that and then become so huge. But yeah, like, just like Fawlty Towers, the dining experience, it was more successful than the legitimately franchised Fawlty Towers stage show. Yeah.

So potentially worst of Melbourne comedy becomes way more successful than best of Melbourne comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just brings that down. So are you going to do, how are you going to book this? Is it open cattle call? Like post on Facebook? Do you take submissions?

Yeah, you have to send me a clip of you bombing. Just me cold calling people going, look, I've seen you around. You're pretty bad. I'd like to book you for a gig. Every comedian has either an audio recording or footage of them absolutely eating it.

You also need to be vouched for by three regularly bombing shitpots. And they have to buy drinks. And bring your shittest friends. Double boo. Yep, yep. It'll be like that movie The Ring.

It'll just be like the phone call happens and it'll just be me going, seven days until you're on the worst of Melbourne comedy oh yeah and they know they're gonna die in seven days yeah yeah yeah so um no definitely it should be the opposite of a bring a gig like you should get up and three people should leave yes yeah yeah yeah yeah great you're not allowed to leave the stage until three people have walked out yeah you're not you don't get re. You're not allowed to leave the stage until three people have walked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't get rebooked.

You don't get rebooked until people walk. That's right. No, you just have to stay. You literally have to stay up there. So you're doing 25 minutes trying to get people to walk, and they're just still like, oh, it's cold outside. There's nowhere else to go. You're like, oh, fuck.

And again, because it's just such the opposite of a normal gig. It's just me up the back of the room. Someone's bombing on stage. I'm holding up the light going, keep going. This sucks. Yeah, it's a green light. Good stuff.

Yeah, this is going to be fantastic. Are you legit going to do it? Yes. Yeah. Yes, it will be funny. We're all laughing. This is all hypothetically we're laughing at. Imagine it really happening.

Well, this is the thing though. Is it then like you do it, you go to the trouble, you put it on and Imagine it really happening. Well, this is the thing though. Is it then, like, you do it, you go to the trouble, you put it on, and people go and they're like, this sucks. But I feel like you can't come out like... Well, you can't complain. Yeah, exactly. What's the Google review?

What's the Google review? I went to the worst of Melbourne comedy, it was bad. One star. You've got to really try hard to get some media in. You've got to really go hard to get reviews for this. I'd love to see just the like... I'd love to read the Steve Bennett on chortle review.

Yeah. That's good. I've got a disease. I read all of his reviews. Really? I've got the Steve Bennett disease, yeah. I read everything. Yeah.

I hate to admit it, but I'm the same. Well, there's like... Basically, there's so few full-time live comedy critics in the world. I don't always agree with them, but I'm like, this guy's watched a lot of comedy. This is very inside comedy, but yeah, there is a guy who's, for some reason, he's a professional comedy reviewer. I mean, and by professional, I mean he doesn't have any other job,

I guess that's the best way of describing it. I assume he lives at home. I don't know, but this is what he does. And so a lot of people inside comedy will read those reviews because he actually sort of knows what he's talking about rather than the Herald Sun garden reviewer. And if he doesn't like it, he does and not hold back, which is why I think he is the perfect guy to invite as a VIP guest

to the first night, to the media night of the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyle Chandler's trying to book the worst gig possible and he's failing, you know? Like he's criticising the ways in which it's good. Yeah, some good observations, one star. Yeah, exactly. Didn't do what it said on the poster.

Yeah, there was music playing when the acts walked on the stage and that's just a little bit too good for the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All I could hear was the people drinking outside. So off to a good start, but then they shut up. Yeah, the mic worked. In between the aggressive anti-comedy of the first act,

there were one or two words chosen that sang off the... Getting into reviewing the specific comedians and being like, there is a premise in there that could have been entertaining. At one stage, during the five comedians that were on the there is a premise in there that could have been entertaining. At one stage,

during the five comedians that were on the stage, one of them didn't sit down on the stool and tell it how it is. I did not appreciate that. They lost one star for that. Have you guys ever sat on the stool? No. No? No?

I feel like you'd be great on the stool, Mel. Why? That's the meanest thing to say. Yes. That is. That's immediately saying, you're anti-vaxmail. No, no, no. I just, I mean, not.

You sort of present more thoughts. Not sincerely on the stool, but, you know, like playing a game, we're like, what, what? Musical chairs of sorts. Have you ever sat down? Because you have been standing for the entire time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got bad knees.

They don't bend. Too self-conscious about the way I sit. I've stalled it up. I'm big enough to admit it. You have? I have, yeah. Why did you do that? I stalled it in this show that I was doing.

And for people at home, they're not inside comedy. We kind of think of people that sit on stools or that sort of cliche of like, no one will tell you how it is. I'm going to tell you how it is. It's kind of self-serious. Yeah. It was in an hour show that was all one long story

and so I was just trying to do it at like the 40-ish minute mark as just like a five minute, just telling this kind of semi-earnest chunk to just give it a bit of a different feel to then be able to like get up and give the last bit a bit of like, it was just all feeling a bit one-on-one.

Were you quite unfit at the time? Yeah, I was a bit tired. That's what it is, isn't it? Because you go, okay, why is he serious or why can you just not be fuck standing up? I mean, that is the thing. Like I did it,

I was like, oh, maybe I'll just try this for this night and just see if it kind of helps the end of the story a little bit. And then as soon as I did it, I was like, fuck, maybe I'll just try this for this night and just see if it kind of helps the end of the story a little bit. And then as soon as I did it, I was like, fuck, this is nice. Just having a little sit-up here. God, it feels good. Here's my impression of Tommy in that show.

Seeing as it's 40 minutes. Yep. I've hit the wall, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Talk amongst yourselves. Yeah, that's great. If you're so unfit that you can't stand,

you only need to write like 25 minutes of material because you're just catching your breath throughout the whole gig Yeah, that's great. If you're so unfit that you can't stand, you only need to write like 25 minutes of material because you're just catching your breath throughout the whole gig. Maybe that's it. Maybe all the people who are telling it how it is are just unfit and had to just completely change their act. I was actually pretty positive. I thought the Vax was pretty cool, but then I just don't have it in me to stand up for now,

so I've had to switch that around. So yeah, Worcester Melbourne Comedy. Look for it coming up. One week season. I'm inspired. Well, weekly. Maybe a weekly season. Oh, okay.

Once a week. Yeah. Maybe on every Monday. So yeah, next year. So I've been inspired. You put it up against spleen. That's great. You're having to sit there and genuinely work out what is the unfunniest day of the week.

Would you still get up before the MC to explain? Great question. It's in the tone pretty well. I think I'm too good at that. I'll have to like work out how to be bad at it. I'll get someone else to do it. And are you going to accept

like people that are good having a crack at being bad? Yes, but I will be. Or do you only want bad people? I will. Yeah, look. That's a good question. Yeah yeah it is a good question that's why i'm i'm sitting on this for a minute because that's

pretty i mean imagine being like man i went you never know who you're gonna get at the worst of melbourne comedy hughes got up and ate shit yeah yeah no because you don't you don't want like good people working out new material and doing badly you want like good people doing their bad material confident you know like You want like good people doing their bad material confident, you know, like, or you want bad people doing their bad material, you know, like I want to watch someone trying to bomb.

Right. Right. It's a bit of a dance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no,

look, I think maybe I'll just mix it up. Maybe I'll like, you know how sometimes like at a gig, you'll, the MC might say tonight, you're going to have some big names trying their new and some and some like little names doing their best maybe the opposite of that maybe it's yeah maybe it's just a mix of shit people doing their best which is still shit yeah and

good people doing their worst and that will meet them hopefully yeah hopefully everyone eats it anyway please welcome your host. Yes. Yes, that's my intro. Person X. Okay. So I've been inspired lately. I saw a gig and I was like, I'm trying everything I can to make sure it sounds like a bad gig and everyone knows what's on the lid as they buy the tin.

Yep. Now, I found this gig in Adelaide of all places the home of Australian comedy okay which as we've talked about on the show

many many times the fucking effort you have to do to get people to go to comedy in Adelaide is fucking insane and then

or anything for that matter or anything to get out of the house it's crazy I did Adelaide and then it would be like two weeks later people would be like

when are you coming to Adelaide? Like all the people, they go, the whole fringe has been on for three weeks and then as soon as it's done. mountain biking. Yeah.

Like, when are you coming here? Yeah, yeah. It's that thing where they have Adelaide fringe once a year and that's when everyone goes out

and whatever but then during the year or I mean, in our cases, even during the fringe, people would just go, no, I'm not going to that

or whatever. And also, look. I saw you in Adelaide. during the Fringe, people would just go, no, I'm not going to that. And also, look. I saw you in Adelaide. You did. You were having a burger. Yes. Oh, yeah. At the Hungry Jack's Comedy Mart.

I accidentally walked into a comedy bar. You did. And for people that heard the Adelaide episode, that was the two years in a row we've gone and done the live podcast and on the way in, like on the plane, on the fucking bus on the way in,

I get into a group called the Adelaide Burger Lovers Group. That's right. And just start telling them how shit their burgers are or whatever it is and then they all go

fucking nuts. And then I read out their responses on stage. And also like, do they lob up genuine burgers? Like, this is the best burger. And then you take, you know, through antagonizing them, you take a genuine burger recommendation.

Yes. That is absolutely having it both ways. You're antagonizing a community of burger lovers in the city. Yes. Taking their antagonism and enjoying it. And then also shitting on them in a live show. Absolutely. And then getting big laughs

at this live show fucking loving it so um so i can't wait till next year um because when i did it for the second time this year there was a few people going i remember this guy yeah yeah yeah well i just for anyone who's listening who went to that show was like chandler doesn't walk the walk this motherfucker was out there enjoying a burger yeah never seen him so happy here's a guy who lives the brand no you

because you walked past me I was at the burger joint and I was collating all the insulting responses while eating a burger that they'd recommended yeah

yeah that's great that is just fuck that is Marie Antoinette that's so good so anyway yeah long ad for Adelaide next year Fuck, that is Marie Antoinette. That's so good. So, anyway, yeah, long ad for Adelaide next year, but I'll be reprising my roles. My role of internet troll.

I wonder if they've clocked on that it's timed to a live podcast. It comes up in their memories. Yeah, it gets to the start of February. They're like, fuck, he's getting close. I can feel it. Yeah. In a couple of weeks. He's going to fucking re-emerge. And all of a sudden next year it's like, come to the start of February they're like fuck he's getting close I can feel it in a couple of weeks he's going to fucking re-emerge

and all of a sudden next year it's like come to worst of Adelaide Burgers putting it on this year where are the moderators on this? why is no one kicking you out of the group and banning you?

that's a very good question you're like Squidward from Spongebob but I'm doing I've talked about this I'm doing such antagonising thing I'm just going

I come from Melbourne so I don talked about this, I'm doing such an antagonising thing. I'm just going, I come from Melbourne, so I don't know if you guys have burgers. Even someone with no skin in the game who knows what you're doing, that got under my skin. And it's just like, they're just, honestly, they're so close to being death threats against me. They're just like, get on that plane and fuck off, and I hope it crashes.

Fuck, get out of my city. It is pretty funny. And I'm like, get on that plane and fuck off and I hope it crashes. Fuck, get out of my city. It is pretty funny. And I'm like, well, city's a big word. It is pretty funny to care about the burgers in your city that much.

You don't have that much pride. No, full respect, because I've joined the Melbourne Burger Group and it is fucking pathetic. No one gives a fuck. There's like, there'll be like one,

there'll be one person that goes, I went and had a decent double cheeseburger in Tullamarine and there's like one comment going who cares

go fuck and that Melbourne burger love is true it's nothing compared to the Adelaide one I think there's just like more

of like a passion in some way like Adelaide they've got so much pride about it there's no need for that

I mean this sounds like I'm doing a bit as you in the adelaide burger group but like genuinely the quality and breadth of burgers available is so high you don't need to have a facebook exactly you just walk into a burger shop and be like i'll get a burger and it's gonna be great to be honest to be completely honest since i've been doing this every time i get to adelaide i'm genuinely looking forward to going to burgers getting

the burger in adelaide. Because that looks fucking good. And I'm invested in the politics of this group as well. Yeah, yeah, of course. That's why I flew in early to make sure I went to that place. You know what you should do? How did you find this group? How did you find this group? Did you search for burger lovers or did you genuinely want a burger?

I think I did want a burger, but I also wanted to be a bit of a cunt. Okay, right. I thought I could do both. That's a good name for your autobiography. You know what a good post would be? Go, I just got a Macca's at the airport, and I think it's not as good here. Come on, mate. I think Macca's is better in Melbourne.

You obviously have not been in the Adelaide Burger Lovers group for a while because there's always some chancer that tries those ones. Oh, really? Has a picture of a hungry Jax and goes, guys, calm down to fucking Rundle Mall.

I've got this thing called a fucking double cheeseburger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on their side now. No, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that you go,

our Macca's is even better. Oh, right. So you're like, even our stuff that is the same everywhere in the world even that isn't as good that's a subtle diss

you don't want to be too obvious this is you and the Adelaide Burgers coming on in a hungry jack the burgers are like the burgers are terrible and the comedies work so

yeah looking forward looking forward to that but yeah genuinely fuck they look like they do good burgers over there but anyway I found I found my new favourite gig.

So it's happening in Adelaide. And this could really help me. It's really inspiring me for Worst of Melbourne Comedy coming up next year, every Monday night during the Comedy Festival. First of all, great name. Beautiful name. The name of the comedy show is Chuckles Comedy, which I've just got a real soft spot for

because my original, I've talked about this on the show, one of my original stage names when I thought I was only going to do one gig just for something funny, my name was going to be Charlie Chuckles. So it's close to my heart. I was thinking Chuckles Chandler. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. But then that's good yeah yeah but then that's got my real name in there and I thought you know one gig and I'm out don't leave any trace yeah

you're a big you're a big you're big into anonymity like you're big into protecting as much of your and your family's which I respect but your privacy

as you can you know oh man did I ever do you make as many enemies in yes as this man does as you can, you know. Oh man, I, fuck, did I ever. Do you make as many enemies in Yes!

Berwick groups as this man does? I, there is a, I think I've talked about this on the show before, but I once got in the biggest newspaper in Melbourne well before I was in comedy, well before I thought I would be in comedy. Well, Charlie Chuckles came around. I thought I would be in comedy, I wrote a letter to the biggest daily newspaper, I don't know, in the country, and I just did the worst diss of someone in comedy.

I just wrote an absolute poison piece on someone as a comedy fan, going fuck this guy and then it got published not only did it get published this person letter of the week not even not it got taken out of the letter department he got turned into like page one in the in the tv guide they turned into under under what name well that's the thing so I that's the weird thing is that I didn't even remember so I just wrote it and put it out there

and a month later like I wrote on the train like a proper old man writing to the writing to the newspaper to go fuck this shouldn't be around anymore things used to be different

by hand absolutely fantastic absolutely that's so psycho. How old are you? No, but this is also a long time ago. This is before he was comedy, remember?

This is before I was comedy. I've only known you as comedy. Yeah, this is way before I was talking into the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was well before I did comedy. And when I wrote it in, and then I was riding on the train like a psycho. And then four weeks later, I picked up the paper and I read the paper on the same train going to work and the same thing, same deal.

And I opened it up and went, oh my God, that's an entire page of the newspaper. And I opened it up and went, oh, my God, that's an entire page of the newspaper. They've gone, let's just print this guy's entire letter and make it a huge fucking big thing. Like the biggest story of the week was my letter to the newspaper. It's you caning someone who's on TV. Well, they may be hoping that this would get them letters for the next, you know, people are going to leap into this person's defense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And was this person quite, so they were on TV, they were famous.

It wasn't just an open mic-er. Yeah, they made page one of the paper. You know, I went to Worcester Melbourne Comedy last week. Real slow news day in Melbourne that day. Some open mic-er is bad. Yeah, so the entire thing. And what... You might be getting into this.

Yes. Whose name? Not my name. And I don't know why, but it was such a stroke of good fortune that I did this. Yeah. I don't know why I did it. What was the name? Well, I won't do it because someone will find it.

The pin name, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone will do that thing where it's like when they're in the movies trying to find like a information about a killer. Yeah, yeah. It's like where Someone will do that thing where it's like when they're in the movies trying to find information about a killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like where you can look through the old newspapers and you're like... But this is the level of commitment you have to anonymity is you won't even give a pen name

to something which only exists in a newspaper from what sounds like the 1930s. No, but you don't know our listeners. These cunts will find it in fucking... It'll be archived somewhere. It'll be under five minutes' time that this person, someone will find it. fucking... It'll be archived somewhere. It'll be under five minutes time that this person, someone will find it.

Even with the very limited amount of information we've given out. I bet someone will find it. I am sweating. I'm sweating now. Whoever finds it, please DM it to me on Instagram. Someone, I'm sure, I'm honestly sweating. I'm like, I've given away too much. You're like a young Carl Chandler in Summertime Under the Sheets.

Yeah, I'm scared of the given away too much you're like a young Carl Chandler in summertime under the sheets yeah I'm scared of the internet ghosts at the moment someone's just going to spend the next week going through the page one of every TV guy so then I give a fake name and again why did I do that back then

I wasn't in comedy I wasn't planning on being in comedy I wasn't going to wreck my reputation as a graphic artist at a printing press in Hawthorne like it was not going to come back to me and get me fired this is like a sci-fi film

where it's like you get visited by yourself in the future and you did run it under your name and you got into comedy and it wrecked your career and you've come back in time to tell yourself

still write the letter but put a fake name so you worked at the printing press and then you go home and you've come back in time to tell yourself, still write the letter, but put a fake name. So you worked at the printing press and then you go home and you write to the newspapers. No, let's be clear. I was writing. Oh, yeah. The reason it's on page one is because you made it.

It's just like one of those novelty ones you get at Sovereign Hill. No, you're right. I was at a place where I was exclusively working on computers and I still hand-wrote out this letter on the train, but yes. So the name I gave... I was given a fake name. We'd better get the handwriting expert in to work out who this is.

The name I gave was the name of a local crazy person in the town I grew up in, Meriborough. So that was my pen name, was this crazy person. Holy shit. And so then I'm like, oh, great. And then like within the week, my uncle rang me up and went, there's this piece in the paper that says it was written by this crazy person.

That's you. Like, oh, fuck. Wow. That didn't even work. Wow. My uncle rang me up. I'm like, I haven't spoken to my uncle for 10 years. And he's like, this is clearly you.

What's the relationship to the uncle? He's my dad's brother. Thanks, mate. What a different time. Something's in the newspaper and just everyone sees it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like everyone's taking in their information from the one yeah centralized source yeah and this guy this and also so the at the end

of the thing like the entire letter was printed was the entire page um and then at the end of it he went by the way i've also edited this to take out some of the too inflammatory and just flat out illegal things that this guy said. Because we didn't want to get sued and there was a lot of nasty language and stuff. In your letter? Yes. Wow. This wouldn't have just been page one.

This would have been the entire TV guide had they left it unedited. Yeah, yeah. Just a crazy diatribe from someone upset at the TV guide at 8.20 in the morning. It's incredible to think, you know, like often in life I reflect on sliding doors or the path you chose or decision you made or didn't make. It's crazy to think that the person who wrote this letter

that caused such a stir in the Melbourne newspaper would go on to produce a gig called The Worst of Men. You know, like everything that you stood against. It's a full circle. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, you're young and you're idealistic and you vote green and then you get old and you vote liberal.

That's what I've become. I want those tax cuts. I used to hate bad stuff and now I love it. Yeah. Oh, man. Liberal, that's what I've become. I want those tax cuts. I used to hate bad stuff and now I love it. Oh, man. Have you got the letter archived somewhere just for your own? Have you ever gone looking for it? No, you know what? I used to tell this as like a little bit of a party piece in comedy circles

and I told it and immediately, like honestly within five minutes, someone found it. That's why I've given out less details. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. So it is out there. Yeah. I assume.

You're going to tell us when we stop recording. Surely. I cannot wait. I've got to say, if I was listening to this episode right now, I'd be screaming. That didn't even occur to me. I was like, we'll never know because we're recording. I think we can have

conversations once it's over you've got to print it out and get it Carl and Tommy legally aren't allowed to converse

without microphones Tommy won't find out unless he eavesdrops on our conversation with Carl exactly what about this guys if you come

to the live show we've got one in Perth one in Melbourne coming up check the website for details I'll read you the article in person but not

recorded there's a good you've got to bring the letter you've got to bring it laminated and just hold it in front of some people get people to lock their phones away in those yonder things in those yonder patches and then you can look at not touch

you can look at not speak aloud you can see the letter. It's like a new Radiohead album. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. You should print the letter out and get it framed like one of those, like when people get a gold record. Certified from the paper. First thing people see when they walk into your house.

Page one of the TV guide, folks. They don't just give that out to anyone. Yeah, you've got to be properly mental to get that sort of stuff. Did they, because I can't really remember what the letters in the TV guide were like, but you know in like, I don't know, most magazines,

then the person running the letters page has written a response to the letter? Yes. Did they do a bit of that? Yes. Oh, wow. I love when they just let the letter run and then they're like,

oh, fuck, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. It was exactly like, you know, like a comedy gig where someone gets up and go and like, the MC will bring someone on,

someone will come on and go, fuck, then the MC will come back on and go, what a fucking idiot. He's available for children's parties.

Yeah, exactly. It was that. What's up, that counts as. So they, two different, very different approaches. So they, so Very two different, very different approaches.

So they had... And he is available for children's parties where you can watch him getting fucked up. So they did that. They stuck the boot in a bit. They whacked me on the way out, absolutely. What's wrong with this cunt, Dash Ed? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. They rinsed me on the way out. Who's the smarmy Ed figure? They seem to be across all the newspapers. I did. That did take me a long time as a child to figure that one out, actually. Yeah. It means eating disorder.

Oh, right. Right. So anyway, yeah, back to- Chuckle's comedy. Back to Chuckle's comedy. This is inspiring me for the worst of Melbourne comedy. It looks, because it looks like... You've recorded a podcast which is like a free brainstorming.

We're like workshopping your idea. You could do it in the Facebook group. Hey, mate, I just want you to know that when you're divvying up the losses from worst of Melbourne comedy, I want to be cut in. I want to pay my share of the debt to your creator. You've got minus 30%, definitely.

No problem. Chuck is comedy. Chuck is comedy. So I'm going to take this as inspiration. This sounds awesome because this sounds like it's been designed to be a bad gig, but it's not.

It's a real one. So it's just got the names of the people on the lineup. That's all it is. It's got your classic sort of red curtain behind. Oh, yes. Good graphic design. Famously. Always a fucking red curtain.

Because none of these people have a headshot. No, yes. Yes. Also, it's like, I think they're photoshopped in, like it's supposed to be a theatre so that you can see there's hundreds and hundreds of seats but it's like

no but that's a that's a gig in Adelaide you don't need that many seats like or at the very least it's a hint as to how many people will turn up because there's absolutely no one in that audience

that's a live stream yes so oh man I want to go oh fuck actually this gig hasn't happened yet so there's still a chance

to go to it this is now an ad for this gig it's on October. So there's still a chance to go to it. This is now an ad for this gig. It's on October the 7th in Adelaide. Okay, great. Chuckles Comedy. Who you can see on the lineup. Look, there's a couple of people that are not going to make you come to the gig. It's James Wallace, Viet Buu, Zach Southern, Matt Moss.

But who I'm interested in are the next characters if you want to come to Chuckles Comedy you might see the type 5 of Blinky Joe I do like the sound of Blinky Joe

Blinky Joe sounds good right yeah you'd see I'd see Blinky Joe I think we're sleeping on Matt Moss I promise you three better than Matt Moss

I promise you better than three All your money back Blinky Joe I want to see Blinky Joe In fact I'm happy to book him Blinky Joe if you're listening Happy to book you for worst of Melbourne comedy

Unseen Sight unseen Do you want to come over for a weekend? This is so mean I will not tell you my wife's name Now listen to every fuckhead on this thing in Adelaide I will not even tell you wife's name. Now listen to every fuckhead I'm speaking out loud. I will not even tell you my fake name in the newspaper.

Get a load of this. Blinky Joe. Oh, well, I'm sorry. Look, you're not going to be looking up Blinky Joe in your white pages, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And finding his phone number. Whitepages.com.au. Blinky Joe. Sounds good.

Yep. I mean, I'm hoping there's blinking in the act. I don't know. what are you picturing when you when you i got i got i got someone with a regular job who's um having a crack and they're older i'm thinking yeah i was thinking full krusty the clown i'm thinking a weird mix between like an old prospector and then you know the like the three eyed fish in the simpsons yeah it's called So I'm thinking like that, but like an old prospector. So a mix between a prospector and a radioactive fish with three eyes.

Yeah. Okay, well we can all picture that. How do you... Where do you find this poster? It just popped up on my feed for some reason. I don't know why. I think it's the algorithm gives you what you feed it. Oh no, someone sent it to me.

No, I think maybe a listener sent it to me. There you go. No, it's an Adelaide gig you sure it wasn't put in that burger group oh maybe yeah oh maybe this is a restaurant not a gig

yeah maybe Blinky Joe maybe it's the Blinky Joe burger oh this is the staff list this is a work rota yeah

oh yeah why is each full name Blinky Joe 7 to 12 that's weird okay Blinky Joe so I'm? That's weird. Okay.

Blinky Joe. So I'm hoping if anyone has a bit of intel or if anyone goes to the gig, please let us know if there is blinking involved in the act or whether that's just the two. Inevitably. It would be interesting if he did not blink. I'm talking about Blinky Joe's bit was a staring competition. Yeah. Staring.

And I want you to know, staring is very hard for me. My father was a blinker. my father was a blinker his father was a blinker what if everyone what if everyone comes to this gig and he's just a regular dude he doesn't have that in his act

and 90 seconds in the guy blinks everyone gets up and goes well we've seen it now why see the rest this is undeniably you know

this is mean spirited to a point but also this is actually promotion for this you know if I was in Adelaide and listening to this podcast I wouldited to a point but also this is actually promotion for this you know if I was in Adelaide and listening to this podcast I would want to go to that

absolutely it's only $10 it's interesting to make your nickname Blinky because that's genuinely not a personality shame it's just something

that everyone does Blinky Bill was an iconic Australian oh was he? could be a reference to that Blinky Bill my whole life I used to love Blinky Bill. My whole life's a thrill.

I used to love Blinky Bill. But no, you're right, Mel. Who's next? Breathing Sam? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't read it. All right. Nick Gooch.

Fuck yeah. I think that's a brave surname to go with. I mean, I would have gone with Blinky Nick rather than Nick Gooch. Has someone just photoshopped this to punk you? This is like a gig that doesn't exist. Some people have the surname Gooch. Yeah, true. Graham Gooch.

Yes. He uses a stage name, but it's like Nick Perennium. This guy's riding with the surname. It makes you think, what is Joe's surname? Joe Anus. Nicholas Undercarriage. Well, this guy's riding with the surname. It makes you think, what is Joe's surname? He doesn't want to use it. Joe Anus. Nicholas Undercarriage. Blinky Joe Anus and people are turning up going,

I want to see this thing blink. Yeah, hell yeah. Nick Gooch. That's pretty funny. And the thing that took my eye most of all don't sound so surprised these dum-dum guys might be under something I didn't expect to come here and laugh what the hell is this

I mean I've been on this show about four times but that sucked this wasn't part of the deal I thought I was going on the worst of Melbourne podcast oh we have a new subtitle we have a new subheader I thought I was going on the worst of Melbourne podcasting podcast. Oh, we have a new subtitle. We have a new subheader. The worst of Melbourne podcasting. All right, that's the name of our run in the comedy festival next year.

The worst of Melbourne podcasting. The worst of Melbourne podcasting. It's now like, what's his name, Mowing. Jim's Mowing. It's now like what's his name? Mowing. Jim's Mowing. It's now Jim's Mowing. Jim's Electrical

Jim's whatever. Just Melbourne's worst. We're just really good at being bad. We know bad when we see it. Okay.

Next. Next name up. We talked to a particular fondness too. I'm actually crying as well now. I'm feeling high to go back to a conversation an hour ago. Tommy's got a book to read after this.

Stand-up comedy for Tommy. Trying to get a spot. Reading it in bed with my little half-moon spectacles on. I'm sweating I'm sweating and I'm there's a lot of moisture coming out of me

I'm sweating a lot thinking about that that letter going out there I'm crying now I'm not going to be able to get to sleep tonight

I feel like I'm I feel like I'm back in there bro scared of my doctor who and Kylie Minogue posters

you won't be able to get to sleep because your daughter's nightlight fucking lights up the whole house I'm going to hear the creaking of the floorboards and think good to who and Kylie Minogue posters. You won't be able to get to sleep because your daughter's nightlight fucking lights up the whole house. Oh, yeah. I'm going to hear the creaking of the floorboards and think, good, I'm happy to die after that big laugh.

I'm ready to go. Well, I think we've gone full circle just with the stories, the idea of this being brought up and whatever. But the last actor that they built on this poster's name is Strange Carl. Wow. This has all been self-promoted.

It's not me. It's Strange Carl with a C. And there's Carl Chandler performing on the 8th of October in LA. I would be Googling Strange Carl TV Guide right about now. Is this like your version of Weird Al? Yeah. Oh, true. Strange Carl.

He does little song parodies, but he makes them all about burgers. Yeah. The screams of, you know, you're like, yeah, it was the crazy guy in our town. It was me. Strange Carl. It doesn't, you know, flow off the tongue in the same way. Strange Carl. Yeah, Strange Carl.

Strange Carl. So we got Blinky Joe Nick Gooch Nick Gooch The underrated Matt Moss Matt Moss And Strange Carl But so I love

So that's your line up That's your line up then And then at the end Plus Special mystery guests So there are still people That they didn't bill On that post

Oh wow Yeah So you don't know Yeah like you said Crazy Tommy Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah didn't bill on that post. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you don't know, yeah, like you said. Crazy Tommy. Yeah. Mentally ill guy.

Could be anyone. Psycho Mel. Yeah. But I love that in Adelaide, of all places. In Melbourne, I'll do that on the posters for my shows and whatever all the time. Surprise guest. Surprise guest. Because it's like, well, you know, you're in town.

It could be Archibald, it could be Dave Hughes, but it's like it's Adelaide. It's like, who's it going to be? Strange Carl again? Like, do it a second set? Who lives in Adelaide that's like a good mystery guest? It's a comedian who's been cancelled, but like they can't put them on the poster,

but they want people to know. Yeah, right. Surprise mystery guest. Someone with such a bad name that they can't put on the poster just in case it keeps people away. Well, I mean, we've seen a lot. There's a lot of interesting names on this poster. Surprise mystery guest could just literally be this act's name.

Oh, yes. There could just be an act in Adelaide called surprise mystery guest. That's good. That's good. That would be a great move as a comedian. It's like, why are people always so disappointed when I get up I used to perform under the stage name

Anne Moore when I was young not by choice just trying to get on the post that is good as a female name Anne Moore

that's good yeah that would be great like that would be that would be perfect if this guy's name was special mystery guest he walks on stage

with the question mark committed to it on the shirt, question mark, the penny drops, everyone goes, oh, you got us a good one. And then he just starts absolutely bombing. Yeah. The best idea was my name. The rest of me is absolute dog shit. That is great.

He just reads out an old anonymous letter to the chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come on dressed like the Riddler, big question mark. Ooh, the Mystery Guest. Yes. I'm not going to lie to the J.D. Yeah, yeah. You come on dressed like the Riddler, big question mark. Ooh, the mystery guest. Yes. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I spend all my time and budget on the costume. You don't have time to write any material.

I'm sorry. Too busy on the train writing letters to the Adelaide Advertiser. So where is Chuckles Comedy happening? We're going to plug it. Good question. We're going to give the venue. Well, if you're not on the Google...

On the Google on the Google fucking hell on the if you're not on if you're not on Google trying to track me down in the newspaper you could always

look this up Chuckles Comedy in Adelaide but it isn't the multicultural bar in Hindley Street okay pretty white sounding line up for the multicultural bar

yeah you're right. Strange Carl, Matt Moss, Nick Gooch, Blinky Joe. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's going to make a second show. We need some people to head down and check this out for us and report back. I would like to say to whoever's putting on the gig and whoever's doing it, good on you. Yeah, I agree.

God knows my name's showing up on some absolutely dog shit lineups and posters. It's fucking part of it. Absolutely. And it's hard. And some of these people are going to bomb big time. And some of them I'll bet have some pretty regressive opinions. But you've got to get out there and have a crack. If you want to get booked on Worcester Melbourne Comedy 2024,

you cut your teeth at Chuckles Comedy. No, no, totally. And like I said, it's very hard to get people to live comedy in Adelaide, to get people out of the house in comedy in Adelaide. If we can do our bit now,

thanks to that, if we can get a bunch of our listeners to go to that, I mean, if they're going ironically, it's not ironic 10 bucks, is it? Exactly.

It's hard to spend money ironically. Yeah. I've got to say this is had a fascinating tone this podcast a real blend of genuine earnest reflection on

parenting and sort of childhood and then also kind of weird meta sort of ironic yes

reflections on stand-up it's been and also Gooch sounds funny yeah and that's the big takeaway.

There really was something for everyone, wasn't there? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, if you had it, something for everyone

and nothing for anyone. When you get the Dave Dobbin and Jonah Loma of, you know, New Zealand comedy on the pod, or on the,

you know, when you get us on the row, as we say in New Zealand. Yes, yes. Yeah, and when you get the worst of Melbourne podcasting combining with that, sparks will fly. What happens when two titans of New Zealand comedy

meet the worst of Melbourne podcasting? Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week. Guy and Mel, thank you for joining us. Guy, you've got your podcast. The worst idea of all time actually We're having a great time this year We've been watching the Fast and the Furious Franchise backwards

And in descending order, so Fast 9 9 times, 8, 8 times, etc We're all the way up to Fast 5 now We took a break, we watched all of it Just like that, which I honestly loved And now we're getting back into the work of Finishing off the Fast and the Furious Well, you're questioning my ideas of having the worst of Melbourne comedy.

Literally, that's what I totally forgot. I've been living with this fucking millstone around my neck for 10 years now. And Mel, the cheap seats. Cheap seats. Logie Award winning. Congratulations. I know, that's so crazy. You weren't even there for the year.

I wasn't there and that's why I keep forgetting that we won so people will say congratulations humble stay humble

as humble as you can be while you're selling out your show just for Last Montreal am I right yeah very nice I'm also touring the UK

I don't know if you have anyone that listens in the UK but I'm doing a tour of the UK what month February and March with a very funny Ray O'Leary,

who's been on this show before as well. Absolutely. Two killers. Get along, English listeners. And have you guys got specials and stuff coming out soon? I do. I don't know when exactly, but I filmed my show from this year. I'm going to put it up on YouTube probably

October, November. So keep an eye out. Nice. I'm touring my put it up on YouTube probably October, November so keep an eye out sweet nice I'm touring my show that I filmed so after Youth of the UK

sounds like April to me right that's true makes sense alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time

see ya mates and they've done it again they have done it again Bernie They have done it again. Bernie has kicked a big one. Thank you for bringing all that stuff up and refreshing me. Like we said at the top of the show, live show is happening. Is that someone at the door, Tommy? Was it?

Oh, no, it was your dog. Sorry. Yeah, it was my dog. Live show is happening. Your dog sounds like someone knocking on the door in my ears. He does a great impression. Live show is Perth, November 4. Melbourne, November 25 on a Saturday afternoon. Correct.

Some great guests lined up confirmed for both of those and genuinely, not just us saying and special guests, some genuine great guests happening. And what are we doing at those shows? We've got Lemon Man in Perth. We've got some weird fucking dumb additional guests we're trying to get off the internet in perth yep uh then melbourne uh we've just recorded next week so yeah we've come up with what the thing is gonna be a very stupid idea for melbourne you'll find out next week yeah that'll be fun uh so get onto that and we've got uh yeah a live guest confirmed

for that that we haven't had on a live show before. Big night. Yeah. Which will be very fun. It's going to be fun. That'll be great. What else is happening, Tommy? Oh, yeah.

Off the back of that episode. I want to say this. We were talking about it after we recorded, but the letter I sent into the paper, fucking, again, don't go looking for it. But it is a thing, Tommy, like I was saying to you after it was like you go it's such easy such an easy thing to go like when you're out of comedy to go everything sucks when you're in comedy whatever um when you because it's just like it's just something you consume and it doesn't matter to you and it's just in and out and whatever but then when you get into comedy

like you know me criticizing something in the paper or whatever it's like it's so shit to look back on because once you get into comedy you're like everyone's doing their best yeah everyone's pretty good i feel like you just kind of have that about everything in general as you get older too you're like yeah life's hard yeah like this restaurant didn't serve me the best meal but they're doing their best yeah yeah service was, yeah. Service was a little off, but whatever. This band sucks, and now you're like, oh, yeah, I wouldn't know. I don't listen to it. Yeah.

I spend my time more wisely. They're 55, and they're still making albums. Yeah. Good on them. Yeah. Got to earn a living. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, when I first started doing comedy,

people in the office used to come up and go, don't forget to tell fucking XYZ that they suck. I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to bring that up in conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also now that I've done my first gig, I realized this is actually really hard to do.

So I don't think I'll be doing that. Absolutely. Yeah. So anyway, yeah. No. I do think that if I'd never started comedy and I was saying like people that are our good friends on the TV and radio and whatever, what would I think of them?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like how many of them would connect with me and I'd be like, this guy's great. I mean, I bet at least half of our friends I'd be like, this is the most annoying cunt I've ever seen on television. What would you, if you saw like Kappa or Blakey or whatever, what would you think? Oh, yeah. Good question. You know what? That's a funny thing. I was talking to Milan the other day. Kappa or Blakey or whatever, what would you think?

Yeah, good question. You know what? That's a funny thing. I was talking to Milan the other day. He sent me a thing. He was at a bar, weirdly enough, and someone – he gets a lot of attention from someone who's not actually on the show. Yep. Like a lot of people come up and they're like,

ah, Milan, fucking prove it, prove it, whatever. So one of those people come up and he was like saying saying oh just I'm just on my way to hang out with Chandler or whatever and and this guy was like oh man what would that be like fucking hanging out with Chandler and I'm like way less interesting than what you're doing right now hanging out with Milan 100% that's way more interesting yeah yeah. 100%. You're burying the lead here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what would I think of? I think I'd be drawn to, I mean, I guess I do get, you know,

you have your friends that are not in comedy and you see like what becomes big that they, so like a lot of my friends, they love Edo, they love Cheney. Cheney's been the most recent breakthrough. So I could imagine myself being like outside of comedy and seeing a little clip from Have You Been Paying Attention attention and being like this little cunt's pretty fucking funny yeah yeah yeah no totally totally um well let's uh let's i guess let's get in the patreon rate can i quickly be so crass as to plug my live show in perth the night before the pod november the 3rd

at oasis comedy club doing my show Scam Artist, and then I'm also taping it in Melbourne November the 30th on a Thursday at Stupid Old Studios. I'm filming it for the damn YouTube. Changed a lot of stuff in it from the Comedy Festival, so if you've seen it again, if you've seen it, you're welcome to come again,

but if you missed it there, come and be a part of a recording of cinema history. Record it in front of a live studio audience. That's you guys. Yes, exactly. Well, to be fair, that's the same as going to a live podcast. That is a live studio audience as well. Yeah, exactly.

A live pub audience, I guess. Yep. Well, mine's actually in a studio. Oh, right. So I'll be able to, like, at the end of the special, I'll shout out Allied Pickford's The Careful Movers. Oh, yeah. I'll do all the stuff that they just did on game shows back in the day.

Who's dressing you? Tony Barlow? Who is dressing? Yeah. I'll make sure I get a nice little Tony Barlow suit for the recording. Are you staying at Travelodge? That's right. The logo of the hotel gets a run.

Travelodge. Even as a kid, I was like, why does this need to get mentioned? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why is this relevant to me, having just watched the show? You don't get any stick pins anymore. Remember that? Stick pins?

Yeah, do you remember that phrase? No. I think maybe it was purely just the sale of the century, that show. It was always like, you know, and guests go home with a stick pin. I'm like, do you mean a pin? Like, why is there a stick pin? Well, they also now, you don't see the credits in shows. They get, like, you know, squashed into the corner as the next show is starting.

Yes. But I wonder on, have you been paying attention? Are they like, our guests are put up at the Olsen? Oh, yeah. That's a very funny hypothetical. I wonder what they say on the end of TV shows that are very visible if you bother turning on your TV. The people at home are watching every week.

If you were able to see the credits now, what would they fucking say? Yeah. In a world where TV shows had credits, which is this world, what do they say? No, but they're so compressed. They're so like, you know what I mean? They're squeezing them down and then they're just starting the next show already right well i guess they don't let the credits properly cook they could just have a bit of fucking lauren lorem ipsum down

there yeah yeah yeah that's yeah um i assume back in the day you would get free hotel rooms off that of travel you'd have that sweet deal because you go fuck it's the logos it's yeah massive on it's on the screen for three or four seconds this is a high rating show if you're just doing that at the bottom of the screen yeah you're not getting jack shit out of that you can't take that to fucking gary travel lodge no and go can i get free shit out of this i wonder it did seem unfair that the travel lodge they get the logo and everyone else who works on the show they're just getting texts like what if you came in and you were like yeah uh my name isn't just written anymore i now yeah i have a logo i now identify as a logo yeah so me best boy yeah you're gonna have to have my name in this like funky design i've done up tony barlow now has a new logo it's

a picture of tony barlow with a massive dick yep so whack that on there yeah as if you don't want that suit from this guy i've always thought it would be cool like you know there'll be some music festivals where they'll have their lineup and it's just text but then there'll be the music festival where they're like it's all the logos of the bands limp biscuit or the prodigy all that kind of stuff devo i've always thought it would be cool To just have a logo As a comedian Like you just go It's not just my name Every time I do a show I have the exact same

Like my name is on there Written in the exact same Font and layout Yeah And anytime you have me On a bill Yeah It can't just be written in text

You have to use that logo Yeah Yeah That's part of the whole brand Yeah that's good Well Thank you to everyone Who listens to the show, even though you're freeloaders if you don't subscribe to Patreon,

but especially Patreon subscribers for making this show happen. Really appreciate it. We have some new people to immortalise this week. Of course, the UTA is up and running. But what I do want to mention is this week I met some non-Patreon supporters that then wanted to become try-hard Patreon supporters, I guess, in a way. I met a couple that came to Basement Comedy Club on the weekend and they explained, hey, you know, and it's lovely, you know,

you meet all these people at gigs and they come up and say hello and they say they listen and bands and whatever, which is, we both copped that and that's great and long may it continue

and it's always nice to say hello and say thanks to those people. Yep. So feel free, don't be scared, come up and say hi. But these guys were like, yeah, big fans,

we're not Patreon supporters. Yep. But we want to sort of do But these guys were like, yeah, big fans. We're not Patreon supporters. Yeah. But we want to sort of do old school Patreon supporters. And so they gave me envelopes, which I haven't opened. We talked about this a while ago. Feel free to just come up and slip us cash in the street. So that has happened a couple of times to both of us, I think. So here's your card.

Oh, okay. There you go. I haven't opened them because, to be honest, they came to another gig at Spleen and said, oh, what did you think about the envelopes? I was like, I was pissed. I forgot. Oh, right, okay.

So they've been sitting in my bag for a couple of days. So we're going to crack these open. Yeah, crack them open. I have to say, mine feels bigger than yours. Mine's, I think my envelope is like clearly recycled. And yours does not look recycled. Oh, really? Well, maybe that means, oh, here we go.

Okay, now I can see why mine was bigger than yours. They're like greeting cards. You've got greeting cards. Yeah, it's really, it's like it's both of our birthdays. Yes. What's yours say? Mine on the front says, we go together like drunk and disorderly. And it's two men, one's in a kiddie pool and one's on a chair and they're cheesing each other.

Okay, so that's what sums up your personality, right? Yeah. But then this is what sums up my personality. Greeting car with a big shit on the front. Nice. Okay. Yep. I've gone, that's classic Tommy and that's classic Carl.

Cheers for that. Audio unboxing. Now, I've got – okay, let's count down and let's say the amount that we've gotten at the same time. Yes. Okay. All right. Three, two, one.

$500. What? You piece of shit. No, $150. Yeah, $150, okay. $150 each. I appreciate it, but, God, that would have been a good bit to give one of us a bit more than the other.

Absolutely. Even just like $160. Yes. $155 and $150 would have been great. But thank you. So here we go. Tommy, I'll let you decide who the guys on the front cover represent. Oh, there we go.

Thanks for all the work you do on your wonderful podcast. It's been so enjoyable listening to your stories. From someone who also was socially isolating before COVID and who will continue to do so long after COVID, J.H. Yeah. Thank you, J. Well, J.H. did the same. We won't read out two of them, but it's the same sort of deal.

So thank you very much, J.H. Wait, he said the socially isolating. You got the gag. I didn't, I was, I was trying to hide the fact I didn't get a gag in my one. Okay. Yeah.

So anyway, but I did have a big old shit on the front of it, which is, well, there you go. Yeah. Your gag was on the front. Yeah.

Thanks. Jay H. Thanks. Jay H. Yeah. No wonder that 150 big ones. I know. That's very nice of you.

Yeah. Um, it feels like we're part of a fucking, you know, um, fundraising now. Yeah. It feels's very nice of you. Yeah. Feels like we're part of a fucking, you know, fundraiser now. Yeah, it feels like it was my birthday. Yeah. Feels like a telethon. Yeah. 150 bucks from JH.

And then the person next to me goes, I got another donation that's $150 from JH. Wow, this JH is just dishing it out to anyone. But what I did like was that it was a couple and they explained, oh, you know what? They're from Perth. And then after all that, I was like, great, I see you in the Perth. And they go, no, we're not coming. Of course.

Cheers. Yep, classic. Thank you. Great. Well, that's, I mean, that's 150 each. That's more than we'd get from a ticket. So who gives a fuck? Yeah, I guess so.

Good on them. Yeah. I'm glad they're not coming. Yeah. Actually, if everyone, let's refund everyone who's bought a ticket to the Perth show on November 4. Yeah, but you have to pay us $150. Yeah. Actually, if everyone – let's refund everyone who's bought a ticket to the Perth show on November 4. Yeah, but you have to pay us $150.

You have to then give the money back. There's a processing fee. Plus more. Yeah. Yes. But they did say – I was entertained by this fact that when they gave me those cards, they said, yeah, we don't trust Patreon, you know, our details and whatever.

It's like, yes, we've got some cooker money i love it yeah yeah okay don't don't follow the paper trail too closely on this one yeah yeah they paid cash to fly over here from perth and yeah yeah i mean they're from perth it's the home of the cooker exactly yeah but no they're lovely yeah they're lovely they'll just be they'll be worried about having their details hacked which um fair enough i, how can that happen when we just read your name every week? But anyway. Thanks, JH. But.

Let's get into it. Please. I'm exhausted. I fucking slept like shit last night. Oh, what happened? Worst night's sleep I've had in a long, long time. Oh, what happened? I don't know.

I just. Just didn't? Just staring at the ceiling. Oh, no. Just didn't. Oh, I can't wait for daylight savings because the kid is getting up too early oh yeah yeah so uh but i am not dealing with that mama is doing that nice because i'm getting bed i'm doing comedy hours yeah whereas my wife is doing nine to five normal person grandma hours she's getting

into bed at fucking 8 30 or something well and look, it's hard for me to fucking cop this. And I don't know whether people will be the same as this. But man, it gets in my craw. Don't say a name. We'll get up in the morning and go, I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm sorry. I can't talk to you.

I'm so tired. I go, when did you go to bed? And she goes, 9 o'clock. And when did you get up bed and she goes nine o'clock and when did you get up at 6 30 well that seems to me to be nine and a half hours sleep that's a long one that's a lot of sleep that's a really long and this is a consistent complaint of hers i'm like i don't i can i can get on valium and not have a nine and a half hour sleep. Yeah. And I have to hear about you whinging about being tired. Interesting.

I will not have it. She might be, you know, she might have sleep, she might have like some kind of sleep apnea situation where she's waking up through the night and actually, because that was me for a long time. I was like, before I got on meds for sleep, I was like logged nine hours and being like, why do I feel so shit? like it would get to midday

and i would feel like i had been up all night i'm like i don't know what's going on but i'm getting enough hours but i'm just i'm not feeling rested right and then had to get the sleep machine thing and it's like yeah you're waking yourself up every minute having a seizure well oh well she's doing something similar she's waking me up every five minutes with a big old snore yeah yeah she might have to get on the c-pap oh lovely the dave o'neill machine exactly um well thank you to everyone thank you to uh everyone that subscribes let's crack into this thing thank you very much to patreon subscriber abe maybe abraham howard yeah not bad yeah i like I like Abraham. Abraham.

Abe. That's, you know what, for some reason that's... Yeah, would you go with Abe if you were Abraham? Or would you go with Ham? Ham Howard. Ham Howard. Yeah. I think I'd go with Abe.

Ham Howard would be good. Ham Howard. Ham's a good name. I'd go with Ham. Yeah. I mean, if that was thrust... You don't want to say my name. I prefer to be known as ham.

No, you can definitely. I think it wouldn't take too much for someone to say, how about we go with ham? And you go, it's up to you. But the annoying thing about it is if you're then in a group and someone meets you for the first time and they're like, oh, this is our mate ham. They're going to assume that it's like, oh,

I bet there's some embarrassing story where you ate a whole fucking leg of ham at a party or something. You constantly would be having to say to people, it's not as sexy as that. It's just my full name is Abraham. Yeah. But that's not the end of the world. That's still good. Like, you know, having the name Ham.

Ham Howard is just funny. That projects you forward in the group. Yeah. That's something. I'd be getting out of my way'm i'd be getting out of my way i'll be going out of my way to introduce ham howard to people i like the name abraham but it's like a it's one of those like biblical names isn't it that's like you kind of so if you give a kid that name i feel like the assumption is always going to be oh this is like a religious thing you

know what i mean it's one of those names that's almost like impossible to to just go no i just like the i feel like that's where most people's heads are going okay mine wouldn't i mean i would think of abraham lincoln but um me introducing people to my friend ham ham this is my friend ham ham sounds like yeah it's good it does annoy me that um it reminds me that i've got a mate that really, and he's not doing it on purpose. And I've never mentioned anything to him about it. But he fucking loves a bit of social situation. Hey, this is my friend Carl. He's a comedian.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck off. Yeah. I don't, because then it's just like, it's the old school. Oh, say something funny, blah, blah, blah. I thought we'd all gotten over that. Yeah. But like, I get it.

Is that, I almost almost I blame my friend more than the person saying it because like what else do you say after that yeah but

can you fucking not say that it's so dumb it's like but the worst thing is like because I think it's like

it's almost like a bit of being proud but it's like a bit of like check this out you know all that sort of stuff so yeah

this is my friend hughes he's a comedian no yeah don't say it about me who the fuck am i i think it was might have been on the mug off podcast they were talking about how sam campbell great comedian who people might be familiar with his that's an ongoing thing of his is anytime he gets into a cab or an uber with someone he'll immediately just go we're comedians yes i've heard that and i think there was a story with like ray badger or something where he was like talking to some like uber driver or something and being like he's thinking about quitting like he's really he's really down in the dumps at the moment like can you just like cheer him up really good

stuff yeah yeah yeah really good bit that's i mean that's the move if you're gonna if if you like the whole thing of like saying to an uber driver about what you do or whatever or like wanting to like make up and say like oh i'm a writer or whatever but not having a good cover yeah yeah if you know you're gonna get there eventually you may as well just front foot it and turn it into a thing where you're being stupid. Yeah. You know? Yeah, totally. Yeah. I can't do it. I can't do it. My name's Carl Comedian. Yeah.

I mean, look, I think it has turned into things like that. The drunker you get and the later the night there is, I think there's certainly conversations like that happening. I've got to stop doing this thing, though, where I'll get, like, cornered into it and be like, oh, what are you doing? And then be like, oh, this is embarrassing, but I do comedy. I'm a comedian.

And then people are always like, why is that embarrassing? What a cool job. They're like, why are you being so – do you really think that? Like, why do you do it then? And I'm like, oh, it's embarrassing to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Because it's like if you are going to say it, you may as well just be like, own it.

Yes, you're right. Because it's like if you are going to say it, you may as well just be like, own it. Yes. You're right. And people at home are probably thinking that right now. Why are you saying that? But it just feels a bit lame because I guess we're saying it and thinking that other people are thinking, oh, you're a clown or you don't really have a real job or you're under pressure to turn the switch on and be immediately funny. It's all just faintly embarrassing yeah and you know that like i mean i'm thinking about like a place where i'd get asked about it is like for example at the gym and it's like you know it's like someone who's like

worked out alongside you a bunch of times and you feel like they're going that's funny and then you get that like i like i've been thinking about this i've been getting this one a lot. You always get this follow-up. You got any shows coming up? It's like, yeah. Always. It's like going, oh, what do you do? Oh, I'm an accountant. Oh, you got any days in the office coming up? No.

Nothing until next accounting festival in March. I'm an accountant in name only. I don't actually deal with any figures. Yeah. Yeah, that's a deal with any figures. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a weird one. Anyway. Anyway.

Howard. Abraham Howard. Your middle name? Hammy Howard. Ham Howard. Ham Howard. Abraham, let us know. Abe, let us know if you've ever gone by the name Ham and if you're deciding to do it from now on.

Yeah. Because I would heartily suggest you do. I would much rather know a ham than an Abraham. I don't know if I've ever met an Abe in real life. The only ones I can think of... Have you met one in fake life? Well, the only ones I can think of, not that I've met either of these people, Abraham Lincoln.

Yes. And Grandpa Simpson. Absolutely. The other two. There's only two spaces on the board on Family Feud for that one. That's it. One and two. Yes. And Grandpa Simpson. Absolutely. The other two. There's only two spaces on the board on Family Feud for that one. That's it. One and two. Yep.

And in which order? Lincoln's first? Ha. They have to be. Yeah, I guess so. Depends who you're surveying. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Which age group. Yeah. Thanks to Ham. Thanks, Ham. Thanks, Hammy. Thanks, Ham. Thanks, Hammy. Thanks, Ham. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Kate Miller. Do you know what I only just discovered very recently?

When you see on TV in America, they have the Miller Lite beers. I thought that was in our language, in Australian language, it's a light beer, meaning there's not as much alcohol in it whereas it's really just light on calories i didn't know that you did i was with you when you learned this when we went to the states all right and we were doing a show yeah and we kept being on gigs where there would be and we were talking about it we were like fucking god what's happened to comedians here in the past where like're like, every green room, they're serving us light beer. Can they just not trust people in these green rooms? And then we were there for like a week or two.

And then someone was like, no, no, it's light, as in it's like low calorie. And we were like, oh, that's why we've been getting so far. Well, you know what's funny is we must have been got so far. Well, you know, it's funny. We must have been got so far. I completely forgot that happened. Yeah. Yeah. Someone only fucking told me again the other day.

I was like, oh, okay. Great. Yeah. Completely forgot that. That's funny. No, I mean, that's I think about that often. I bust that fact out of like, because it's also just such a, because I think we'd had it a couple of times, like we'd been doing such a, because I think we'd had it a couple

of times, like we'd been doing, like we'd been on other people's shows and that was what was backstage. And then we did our pod and someone was like, oh, get you guys a case of beer for backstage. And we're like, great. And they turn up with a slab of light and we're like, my brother, come the fuck on. We're Australians. Yeah. And they were like, what do you mean?

No, this isn't, this isn't. But then what do they call, what do they call like low alcohol beer. Yeah. And they were like, what do you mean? No, this isn't. But then what do they call low alcohol beer? Yeah. Anyway. Miller Lite Lite. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, that's a weird one.

So something like a pure blonde here, but is seemingly like way more prevalent over there, right? Right. Because that's what pure blonde is. Pure blonde is just like low low low carb it's like what i know yeah yeah oh yeah it is too so then so then all their major brands have so like bud light miller light like it feels like it's way more pervasive to be drinking a you know you hardly ever see anyone drinking a pure blonde here right you know what i mean but like a bud light a

miller light that is kind of like the default beer. The default. Yeah, that is interesting that for once America has gone, oh, maybe we should worry about the calories we're putting on. Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Kate Miller. Kate Miller Light. Kate Miller Light. Yeah, instead of Kate Miller, Heidke.

Yep, the singer. Heidke. Singer-songwriter. Yeah, yeah. Kate Miller, very straight up and down name, but I like it. Yep. Feels good. Not bothering anyone.

It's no A, but that's for sure. But what is? Yeah. It's not. No ham. I can't suggest. No hammy. The only thing I could do is say Kat.

Call yourself Kat Miller, but I wouldn't. No. No. Kate Miller's great. Happy with that. Yep. You do get a lot of options if you're a Catherine, don't you? You can be a Catherine, Kate. Katie.

Katie. Kath. Kath. It might be one of the more versatile ones. Yeah. It's a potato of names. Yeah. Yeah.

Potato Miller. Yes. You can mash it. You can fry it. You can wedge it. You can chip it. You can saute it. You can whatever the fuck else you can do with it. You can fry it. You can wedge it. You can chip it. You can saute it. You can whatever the fuck else you can do with it.

I don't know. You can do fucking anything with it. Yeah. You really shouldn't. Is there even another vegetable that you can do more than three things with, really? Onion. Yeah. Onion's getting its way into a lot of stuff.

Onion's not a great one of just sitting there. You can just eat a potato pretty easily by itself. Like once you cook it. You don't have to do much to it at all. Yeah. No one's sitting there with an onion. You know what I'm loving is the air fryer. Get a potato, chop it up in the air fryer.

Easy. I have never used an air fryer, and I don't think I've ever really seen how, like the product of it. Yeah. It's good. It's good? Yeah. They take up a lot of room.

Has it stood the test of time? Because it was an air fryer craze. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it one of those fondue set type things now or are people still using them? We use ours a lot. We use ours two or three times a week it's good for reheating it's good for like we'll have a night where we're just doing like steak with some veggies yeah chop up a potato cook the chips in there right um it's good for that

kind of stuff but like yeah my my parents got one off the back of me raving about ours and i don't think they've ever used it no so god i i bought a fucking weather station for my folks yep and gave it for them because i was like you know you know old old people love the weather yep it's like this would be great 400 bucks and uh get it give it to them find out it's like it runs on wi-fi well that's the end of that they don't know what that is yeah okay they don't know how to figure that out damn also they live in like on a farm

with fuck all wifi yeah yeah yeah yeah so that was a nice little thing that at some stage when they move house that'll be just I guess

given back to me yeah I I'll have a huge weather station so I know what the temperature is in Hawthorne I went through a phase of trying to get things to make my parents' life a bit better for birthdays and Christmas and stuff.

Got them an Apple TV once and it's all too fucking hard. And so then I went, oh, you know what? I'll pivot to just vouchers. Vouchers for a nice experience, nice restaurant. Got them one for a restaurant. They lost it. They're like, can you do something about this? I'm like no yeah like the solution here is to just not lose the voucher that i gave to you hard copy

i'm i'm kind of out i paid the money to the restaurant i gave you the voucher in a lot of ways vouchers are like most objects if you lose them they're gone it's gone yeah yeah if i'd have bought you an air fryer and you lost it and then you said, can you do something about this? It would mean, can you buy me another one? And every now and then they're just like back on me like, can you please call the restaurant and try and do something about this? I'm like, I just really don't want to.

I just don't want to have that conversation with a restaurant. You've been telling me about that for a while. Has there been a solution or there's no solution no solution no it hasn't come up in a while although yeah for a for a while they were making me feel crazy because i was like why don't i have any record of this in my email yes because i think it may even have been i think i like forwarded them a copy of it or i printed it so i'm like either i printed it so i should have it in my email yes or i uh got it sent to that you know in a gift thing you can put in send it to this address in which case i should still have had the receipt emailed to me so then i was like going nuts going yeah why don't i have any record of this but i also just

do not want to get in i just i cannot imagine anything worse than getting on the phone and having this conversation with a restaurant about something that is now two years ago oh fuck it's a while yeah that's too long and they they've because they've contacted the restaurant to try and make heads or tails of it yeah for whatever For whatever reason, they couldn't get through. Yeah. But they've said to them, the restaurant's- That's an easy one, though. Someone rings up a restaurant.

Hey, I've got a gift voucher. Cool. Where is it? We don't know. Okay. So we won't have your name on record. So that's the end of that one. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Well, the restaurant has said to them, oh, they're valid for like four years. So there's time to keep looking. Oh, uh-oh. And like now they're beat, you know, every time it comes up oh they're valid for like four years so there's time to keep looking and like now they're beat you know every time it comes up they're like beating themselves up about how they lost it and they can't find it and they feel so like technologically stupid yeah i truly think the solution is just going to be i just have to like buy a new one and be like oh yeah i found it yes that's i think everyone was thinking the same thing there. It's just time to do that. Yeah. That's it.

Well, Kate Miller, if you want to chip in. I mean, she has chipped in. Yeah. It's Patreon. Oh, yeah. Some of that money is coming to you. Okay. I'll put from Tom and brackets, Kate Miller. Oh.

Dear mum and dad. JM. You just got one 50. Oh, yeah. JH. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's what that could go to. That's going. I sure love hearing JH. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's what that could go to. That's going – I sure love hearing that. Yeah.

It's going to buy a voucher for the second time. Yes. Well, that's nice. No, that's good. You bought dinner for your mum and dad. Yep, yep. 150? I mean, where are they going for dinner for 150, you reckon?

I mean – What are they having? Oh, what? So I'm not getting – no, I've got to get them the voucher to the same place. Is it the same place? Oh, yeah, you got it. I think I've got to because then they'll get upset if they think I've bought it again. So it needs to be like, oh, it magically just turned up. What sort of cuisine is it?

Middle Eastern. Oh. So what would you say is being bought for your parents with that money then? is being bought for your parents with that money then? What can J.H. and Kate Miller think that is going straight down the gullet of Mr. and Mrs. A? Yeah, what are they having? Probably like a nice roast lamb shoulder perhaps. They do some nice little Turkish dumplings in there.

Probably some nice wine. Because, I mean, the dream would be, and this is classic, I feel like this is bound to happen, I get them the replacement voucher and then literally the next day I'll just find the original one. But, hey, that's fine. That's fine. Now I'm going and I'm having a meal thanks to JH. Yes.

So then I've got an excuse to just go back to this restaurant that I like. Yes, absolutely. Well, I'll let you know, JH. I'll let you know if I succeed in duping my parents, thanks to you. Yes, and you, KM, Kate Miller. Thanks, Kate. Thank you very much. Patreon subscriber David Jones.

Oh, yes. Well, well, well. Fantastic. Finally, a sponsorship from, I mean, you know, it's not much a month by the look of it, considering you're such a mega brand in competition with Maya for people that do not live in Australia. No, I think everyone who lives in Australia should know this. It is a department store, David Jones. Yep.

And for the purpose of this, I'm going to pretend it's not a person, and that is the department store that is sponsoring us on Patreon. I went in there the other day. It's kind of a nightmare. I was looking for something, a specific brand, and I Googled it and it was like, oh, they've got it at David Jones. But then you just go up there and it's like, well, where is this? You know what I mean?

They've got too many different – I want to go into like the shop of the brand and just have the one thing in there. All of a sudden, I'm on this treasure hunt looking around like a little cunt for this one specific thing on this floor. Not for me. Too much going on. Have I still got the food in there? Do I still have food?

I didn't look. But a friend of mine used to work there and I'd forgotten this and he was telling me the other day. We were talking about like when you're in your 20s, you got work the next day early. You just go out and get fuck-eyed on a Saturday, even if you're working. So he would work like Sundays at David Jones, turn up hungover.

And what he told me is that one in the city, a lot of men coming into the change rooms to give each other a bit of a boffin. Oh, really? Pretty regularly. That's – Pretty regularly that's that sort of threw me because it's like what's this got to do with being hung over and drinking the night before and whatever well no we were just i just we were took we got onto it through that like oh you know

there's a real red herring you served on the top there we were just talking about that thing of like you know oh you bounce back so much easier when you're you know this age and stuff and i forgot that he used to. Yeah, that reminds me. I saw a man get sucked off by another bloke at David Jones. I was so hungover once that I fucked a man at David Jones. He went in the change room to try on another man. Yeah.

No, I forgot that he used to work there and then that led on. I was like, oh, yeah. He brings a man out there. This mouth is a little bit tight on my dick. Have you got a bigger mouth? Have you got a bigger mouth? Have you got a bigger mouth on something out here? But no, that just led him into his rememberings of what it was like to work in this quite stuffy department store.

And he's like, yeah, it was a regular thing. People coming in. Two men walking out of the change room. They've clearly been rooting in there. What do you call that again? What's the phrase for that? A beat. A beat clearly been rooting in there. What do you call that again? What's the phrase for that? A beat. A beat.

A beat department store. The David Jones change rooms is a beat. You can go in there and fuck a dude. Yep. Is that right? Yeah. Wow. You heard it here first.

Makes Maya seem a little bit homophobic. Exactly. I think. When I was in there, I couldn't find the thing I wanted. I got some socks or underwear or something. I was. When I was in there, I couldn't find the thing I wanted and I think I just got some socks or underwear or something and I was at the counter and the guy did the whole autopilot like, are you a, you know, whatever there, are you a David Jones Club member? And I was like, no.

And he's like, did you want to be? And I'm like, no, thanks. And then I was like, oh, wait, you know what? Hang on one sec. I've just remembered I need one other thing and I go and I'm gone for literally like 15 seconds and I was like, oh, wait. You know what? Hang on one sec. I've just remembered I need one other thing. And I go and I'm gone for literally like 15 seconds. And I get like a whatever, just a second thing of socks, just something very pedestrian.

And I'm straight back. And he starts the whole speech again. It was like full goldfish mode. I'd been gone for 15 seconds. And something about that was like it reset his brain. And he was like, oh oh we're back into a fresh transaction and he's asking me again about the david jones club i'm like yeah you literally asked me this 10 seconds ago this is a man whose brain has been eroded by working retail i would

say i would say two things to that i think i love that you want to join the david jones club is this some sort of indoctrination of um of the going-on, the nefarious goings-on in the change rooms? This could be a new code word. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do you shop at, David Jones? It's like, ah, okay, right, yeah, come on in. It's not are you a friend of Dorothy. Are you a friend of David?

Yeah. Are you a mystery shopper? No, you're not a confirmed bachelor. You shop at David Jones. Yeah, I like Yeah. Are you a mystery shopper? No, you're not a confirmed bachelor. You shop at David Jones. Yeah, I like this. You're a confirmed shopper. Yeah. And the other thing is, I know it's so bad,

but because I do the door at the gigs I run, someone will come into Basement Comedy Club and be like, blah, blah, blah, and then they'll walk out to get a drink and I'll be like, oh, have you got a ticket or whatever? And're like i just fucking i just walked in yeah i know but you're one of 120 people yeah i don't and they're like yeah but you remember me i'm like why would i do that yeah why would i remember you no your brain does go into some form of like goldfish mode because it's just got to be focused on but also it's crazy to go, no, you're right. I do remember all 120 of you. You do.

I do. I mean, this did stick out because it was literally 10 seconds later and I was the only one in the store. You know what I like too is the – I feel like this happens more and more now where you get – You know what I like to do? Also, by the way, because I like to – you try and treat everyone the same.

It's like you don't remember or whatever. And then some 11 out of 10 will come in and you go, oh, can I just check your past? Because I mean, I wouldn't possibly remember you and your triple H's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to need to set the standpoint. I don't remember literally anyone. Yeah, no, it doesn't sort of stick out in my eyes.

Because I'm just working, so I'm just in the zone. Yeah, yeah. Do you work here or something yeah yeah yeah i don't remember i love the um i love the one where it's like are you a and are you a member of the david jones club or whatever and you go no and then there's just no follow-up yeah there's so many stores where i walk out of where i'm like how do you end up in that club yeah if they're not giving you the invite of like would you like to be yeah i think most places they're just like there must just be this blanket thing now where it's like if you if you

want in you'll ask or you'll investigate right we used to go to the bottle shop i would go to a lot in lockdown near my girlfriend's old house they would always say are you a member and i'd go no and there'd be no follow-up and just one day i was like how do you become a member and what do you get yeah and they were like oh well you just ask and we sign you up and then every cent you spend is like a you like accumulate um credit for like every i don't know ten dollars you spend you get one dollar back or something and i was like oh hell yeah i want to be in on that. And then this is like mid-lockdown and I was just thinking about like all the fucking sweet beer savings I've missed out on. Yeah.

But I was like, I couldn't believe – for ages it was haunting me. I was like, how do you become a member of this secret club? And then one day I just go, how do you do this? They're like, oh, you can just do it now. Yeah. I'm like, oh. Yeah. Now, I'm sure this information is readily out there,

but I do have to wonder about that, the whole, you know, those bottle shops over lockdown. You know, one of the few places that are absolutely creaming it. Yeah. I have not stepped foot into a bottle shop since all of that. Yep. Yeah, right. I don't really drink at home. Yeah.

Like, if I go out, you know, I'm out of gigs and stuff. That's where I drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, like, if I'm at home, I'm having a night off from drinking. Yeah, right. I'm not like, hey, Blanket, do you want to sit up and watch your old man polish off a few bottles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not really.

I did Dave O'Neill's gig the other week. And he was doing crowd work before he brought me on. And there was a guy in the front row who owned a chain of supermarkets and bottle shops who Dave was talking to. It's very funny because Dave's kid works for at the shop of one of these guys. He works in a drive-thru, yeah. And so it's the chain that's at the end of my street, the bottle shop that's at the end of my street. So I got up there and I was like, I live across the road from that bottle shop and I reckon

during lockdown, I've bought you a fucking boat so you're fucking welcome mate uh well thanks david jones thanks jonesy um uh me and tommy might come into one of your change rooms one day when we're uh yeah nice especially frisky imagine yep uh thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Especially Frisky. You really would have to want it pretty bad. Yeah, yeah. To be like, the best option is to go to a change room at David Jones. With your podcasting partner.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alistair. Fucking hell. Okay. I really hope I don't know whether I hope this is a real name Or a fake name You know

You be the judge Yep Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber Alistair Prentice A Prentice Making them A Prentice

Yeah Now is this This has to be real Because you can't It's not about anything If someone's at home Going Ah We got him Yeah Yeah. Now, this has to be real because you can't – It's not about anything. If someone's at home going, ah, we got him. Yeah.

He said it. Yeah. We made him say it. Oh, but no, I feel like a while ago we were talking about the idea of you having an assistant and auditioning people through the Patreon to be your assistant slash apprentice. Uh-oh. So that's the most – that's kind of the closest thing I can get to why there would be a reason for that.

And my memory is very foggy, but that does seem like a thing we were doing semi-recently. Okay. Does that ring a bell for you? Maybe. No, no, no. Bud Light. Yes.

What? Bud Light. Bud Light. It's happened again. I've got to stop drinking. Yeah, well, maybe, but that is a long bow. That's a long bow to do that. I really hope that that's not the case.

I also feel like that wasn't that long ago. So if they've heard that signed up, that seems like quite recently. No, I don't think it's that. The unplanned title alternated with you. I think you're wrong. I think, as all of us say, time goes quicker and quicker. I don't. You think it's longer ago than I'm remembering?

I do think that. Hmm. I feel like it was this year at least. Well, maybe this person's from this year. Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. It still seems quite recent. They are not in the millionaire group for patreon only uh on facebook apprentice yes yes mr apprentice there's no apprentice in there and also it's a weird reference to a very

slight mention on a on a show of ours and also it's not a particularly good audition to be my apprentice by just sending me half of some money and making up a bit of a Sudoku of a fucking name. Yeah. So what are they trying to get out of that? Well, they're saying like, I'm creative. I can help you with writing your little riddles. Maybe they're testing me. Maybe they're such a good apprentice.

They're like, look, I know how good I am as an apprentice. How good are you as a boss? If you can figure out this riddle. Yeah, exactly. You've earned me. Exactly. Okay, well, it sounds like. Challenge accepted.

I've passed the audition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be your boss. I'm hired as a boss, I think, after that. I'm hired to hire you. Yes. Yes. Congratulations.

You now have me as your... Yeah. Anyway. Alice Apprentice. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean... If that's not the case...

The dream is this guy writes in and is like, boys, that's my real name. That would rule. Yeah. We're just like, what a dumb joke. Yeah. It's got to be the real name if it's if it's if it's a fake name i'm going to i'm going to ban this person from our patreon wow yeah i don't need this person's money have we done that before no no that's the ultimate

we're in no position to do that that's the ultimate insult is it yeah i don't want your money i thought you're not allowed to give me money i insult isn't it yeah i don't want your money i thought you're not allowed to give me money i thought about it before yeah i think it's a funny joke to do yeah yeah it's also just a nice position of power to be in of like it's honestly not worth it yeah fuck off yes yeah i'm doing okay yeah but i mean you know, as someone once said, if your last name's Prentice, don't call your kid Ah. Yeah. You're asking for trouble. And also it's like, I mean, I don't know, change your last name to Os and call your first name Benny.

So it can be the boss. The boss, yeah. Look up. Did you see that thing about that person on that ABC show calling their kid meth baby or whatever? Yes. I mean, that's right in our wheelhouse. You're right.

You're right. I was reading it and I was like, this is like our shows come to life. Yeah. Yes, yes. I didn't click. This is like talking dum-dums come to life. I didn't click. So that was like a joke.

It was sort of like Something to It was a thing of like What It's like It literally is What we joke about Is like

What can you get away with Yes What will they let you do Yes And so She Had a baby Called it

Yeah Methamphetamine Methamphetamine Fan or Something like that Lover or something like that Yeah And then they actually

This is in New South Wales They actually did end up Changing it Off the back of that yes so the law the rule yeah yeah which is pretty crazy but what is the how do you change that law you're not allowed to call your kid meth anymore like what um what law didn't exist before to let that happen yeah i don't i guess what is the law no fucked names for babies from now on. Yeah, I guess. Then there's got to be a judge or a board that goes, is this fucked? And if so, can we be on that board?

Yeah, someone's just got to at least look over it and vet. Maybe it was just literally like you write whatever on the birth certificate and it just goes through. Maybe it is just like, hey, there has to be one more step. Someone at the hospital has to just at least look at this. That would be great if we were the inspiration behind that prank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder.

Because it was on a comedy show. Was this part of Chaz's show? Yeah, yeah. Friends of the show? Yeah. Cam James is on it. Cam James is on it? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. We could be the inspiration. Maybe. Maybe he. The best thing is if they go yeah no worries your kid's called mess baby or whatever uh no returns that's it i wonder i mean that would be they've tried to make a passport for you

yeah here it is yeah good luck going to uh southeast asia anywhere yeah that would be a great prank like if the hospital were like, you're trying to prank us. Yeah. They just go, yeah, they make it. They watermark it. Yep. Can't ever be changed. Tattoo it on the kid.

And then, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it meth. Give it meth. Put your money where your mouth is. Yeah. And just someday in court standing up, why did you give the baby meth? The kid. Yeah. is called meth lover. Yeah.

No jury could ever convict me. We just didn't want those. Case dismissed. We know what those chaser boys are like. We wanted to finally be the ones to bring them down. Yeah, yeah. Or at least to bring their reporter's babies down. Yeah, exactly.

That'll learn them. They'll never try and prank anyone again. Well, thanks, Apprentice. Thanks, Apprentice. And you're welcome, Chas. Yes. Oh, yes, yes. For inspiring a bit on your show.

Because you've clearly lifted that out of your favorite podcast. Yes, yes. And, yeah, anyway, I hope that gets back to Chas. The millions of dollars of royalties that that show is getting. Yep. You owe us some meth. Yeah. I've never seen meth.

Yeah, me either. You've never seen it? I'd like to have a little glance. I've been watching a little bit of Breaking Bad again. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm tempted to do another run. Yeah, I'm being tempted.

I keep watching little snippets on YouTube and going, I should get in there and do a full run. Or I'll just be late at night and watch three minutes at a time. Yeah. I'm being tempted. I keep watching little snippets on YouTube and going, I should get in there and do a full run. Or I'll just be late at night and watch three minutes at a time. Yep. Every now and then. That's probably, it's like a lot of things when I think about sitting down and doing the whole thing again.

Yeah. Like I'm thinking that with Sopranos too. I'm like, I guess what I really want to do is just watch the highlights. Yeah. Maybe see the ending again. Yeah. Anyway. All right.

Thanks. Thanks, Alist Anyway. All right. Thanks, Alistair. All right. Just wanted to go this week, and then you've got to go to bed, I assume. I might. I'm going to go get lunch. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Any questions? What are you going to have? I reckon I'm going to have a Parma, I reckon. Yeah, nice. Yeah. Parma and chips. Yeah. And a Coke.

And chips. Big old post-mix Coke. Yeah, nice. A pint of, and chips. Yeah. And a Coke. And chips. Big old post-mix Coke. Yeah, nice. A pint of, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love it. I went to the movies on Sunday morning and took down a fucking gigantic Coke. Did you? God, it was good.

Feels good. Yeah. Medium Coke, $7. Large, $7.50. It's like, all right, well. All the money goes into just the labor of getting out the cup. They're not even trying. Yeah.

They're really not even trying. The most arbitrary price. That's- 50 cents. That's great, though. If me or you were in charge of the fucking Coke counter at the cinema, that's just for your own pleasure. You're enjoying that.

Seeing someone order a medium Coke for 50 cents less, you're just laughing at that, going, great, someone did it. Yeah, and this is the other thing. So this is an IMAX, and there's no small size. So it's literally medium and large. But medium is sitting in the middle. So if there's nothing beneath it, so then medium's – so it's small and large.

Yes. But then also the medium is to a size where it's like, well, you can't, no one would look at this and go that small. Right. Just call it one and two. Okay. That's good. Drink one or two.

Regular. It's got to be regular. What about? Regular and large. What about you name the sizes? You know, you have the bathroom names where you have the gents and the ladies, but you call it the homes. Hombres.

Yeah, whatever it is. Yeah. Do that with the Coke and the large Coke and the little Coke. Girls' Coke and boys' Coke. Jesus Christ. No, I don't mean that. What year do you think you're living in? I don't mean that.

I mean you give it a different name because like the men's and women's toilets, they have like a – Oh, they have like a – Oh, they have like a creative – Ambiguous creative name for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which sometimes you're sitting there going, what does this mean again? Yeah.

Do that with the small and the large Coke. Well, at the West Garth – Have the Bert and Ernie Coke. Yeah. Have the – like a double act, like the Carl and Tommy Coke. At the West Garth Theatre in Northcote, the cinema, they have their wine glasses have little markers on them for your size of pour. And it's, what is it?

It's like short film, feature length, double feature, movie marathon. So it's like by the time you're getting up to the top, they're all themed on how much wine you're getting. It's like, yeah, I'm going to watch three movies in a row and drink this one big glass of wine. One bucket of wine, bucket of wine please yeah exactly i'm watching all of the speed films exactly yeah it's not really marathons two movies uh all right let's just do one more uh thank you very much to patron subscriber oh okay this is interesting considering things that have happened before on this read this really um fits in. Wow. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber,

The Maya Gay Sex Changing Rooms. Comedy. Yeah. That's weird. Oh, wow. The Maya Gay Sex Changing Rooms Comedy. Oh, that must be in the comedy section in Maya. Oh, yeah.

There's a big section just for comedy. Like I'm saying, you just want- And you go in there- You want Husey Snakes Alive bit and you're like, fucking hell, where is it? Oh, yeah. There's a big section just for comedy. Like I'm saying, you just want... And you go in there... You want Husey's Snakes Alive bit and you're like, fucking hell, where is it? Yeah, yeah. And then you go, now I need to try this on. Yeah.

And then you go into the change rooms with Snakes Alive just to see if it fits your sense of humour. Yeah. And then sometimes you go in there and you have gay sex. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, you don't witness to other people having gay sex. You yourself stumble into some gay sex.

Well, like they say, sometimes gay sex doesn't happen unless you make it. Yeah, exactly. So that's who subscribed this week. Yeah, great. How much money? $69. Great. Thanks, my gay sex changing rooms comedy.

And thanks, everyone who subscribes. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to the Patreon. Get on there. And the live show is coming up. Yes. Perth, Melbourne. Come see me do stand-up. Come see us do a live pod.

November 5. No, 4. November 4 and November 25. That's in Melbourne. Nice. Yes. Thanks, everyone. Goodbye.

See you, mates.