The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 680 - Sam Taunton & Alex Ward

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

This week we're joined by SAM TAUNTON and ALEX WARD for a wide-ranging and intellectual discourse: soiling the bed, defacating in the street, passing gas, and proper toilet hygiene. Plus we somehow manage to segue quite elegantly into talking about break-ups (not ours, remarkably) as Tommy's friends have split up and he's caught in the middle in some very unexpected ways. Listen up, because you may have a cursed item in your house right now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Sam Taunton and Alex Ward. We have some live shows coming up Saturday, November the 4th in Perth. Get down Perth, you're not selling as quickly as you usually do. So if you could get your skates on. It's very un-Perth-like behaviour at the moment. Get around it. We've got some great guests, so don't stuff this one up. And then Melbourne, Saturday, November the 25th, we have a live show as well.

Great guests in that one. Get on our website while it still works, littledumbdumbclub.com to get tickets. Before we fill up the storage and it shuts down forever. Yes. And then we'll have to go fully analog and we'll have one of those old school fan club things That you can mail into And we'll send you the episode in the post every week Oh that'd be good

We'll talk to you Put the apps on vinyl Yeah we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode In Talking Dum Dum But until then enjoy this new episode With Sam Torton and Alex Ward There's a lot of fart stuff in here, beware. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Alex Ward and Sam Taunton. I feel like you always introduce the guests with the profile least to biggest.

I mean, this guy's on the TV every night. Ward is on the TV sometimes. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Trying to lead with a bigger name. I reckon if you looked at the total. Exactly.

You've brought this up before. It's the headliner. Okay. Oh, no. I reckon the total people that watch you before. It's the headliner. Oh, no. I reckon the total people that watch you on TV would be like the same. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you know what's funny? You bringing that up, I just was thinking this in my head.

The truth of the matter is I go from closest to me to furthest away from people. Also, I work at the job he's on. Yeah. So I kind of do both jobs. I'm working my way up the call sheet. I am definitely really the head on. What I am very fascinated in, so what happens is Sam Taunton, you're a host on the project every night.

Guilty. Alex Ward, you are on Have You Been Paying Attention every now and then. But during the day, you work in the writer's room, like Bron Lewis, in the writer's room of the project, the show much lower rating

than the show that lower rating okay the show that you are on it's all right when I say it you know it's hurtful when you bring it up I mean they said it could never be done but here I am yeah

she's doing it or what he got me in trouble she wrote a cosplaying as a less successful person right that's your motivation to really kill it on

have you been paying attention next time you're on yeah I need to get rid of this writing job. Hey, if any other big TV shows want to hire me as their writer, I'm available. You are like Clark Kent.

No one's asking. You're Clark Kent at the Daily Planet during the day and then you whip off the glasses at night on have you been paying attention and you're Superman. But everyone can see through the disguise just like they should have with Clark Kent. Which is your passion? Which one's your side project?

It's the project. The project. Of course, because Waddy cares about the world as well. they should have with Clark Kent yeah which is your passion which one's your side project it's the project the project of course because because Waddy cares about the world as well so it's not just like you're doing your fun gags

on Have You Been Paying Attention but you come to the project office because you want to solve the situation in Gaza yeah oh yeah I'm really getting involved in the Gaza stories

oh big time big time yeah well Have You Been Paying Attention it's a good show but it's a comedy show it's just a straight up and down comedy show

but the project that's news delivered differently yeah that's so true well the news that you deliver on Have You Been Paying Attention, it's a good show, but it's a comedy show. It's just a straight up and down comedy show. But the project, that's news delivered differently. That's so true. Well, the news that you deliver on Have You Been Paying Attention is just delivered normally. It's fake. It's actual fake news. I think you guys are giving me a bit too much credit at the project. They literally would never let me near anything but the dumbest stories. I'm just about like, oh no, a dog fell in a pond they let me do that i always yeah i

always go with the horse got his head stuck in the toilet like and run with it like yeah but like when people because you know i work there as well people will go oh you work at the project oh so do you write those yeah news articles i'm like yes i made up beirut. That's me. Really? I did that. I'm a soldier for Hamas. You're welcome for the headlines. I bombed that music festival. I am creating the news. That's me. I'm like Forrest Gump.

I'm at every bit of world history. I'm creating all the trouble. That's good, a news show that's just like, you know what, the headlines have been so boring lately. We want to offer you a job. You're like, oh, cool. I'll just be in there writing some stuff. No, no, no. We want you to go out and just incite some sense.

On slow news days, we want you to go out and fire a few bullets down Chapel Street. And then get some box pops of what people thought of it. What did you think of my shot just then? That was pretty good. How much blood have you lost? What were you saying, Wardy? You wrote something that got you in trouble. Oh, yeah.

Remember that joke you wrote me? If you want to announce that I wrote the joke, not take credit for it. Oh. Well, I don't mind. There was a clip of a woman at a football game in the South in America. That is news delivered differently. A woman. It was a break.

So we led with this at the start of the show. And she was fanning herself. And then she moved downstairs and then started fanning her crotch region. Fanning her fanny. Fanning her fanny. I mean, that's why I'm a writer. That's why I'm a writer. I could never have found that word in my brain.

Anyway, and then what was the joke? You said, oh, it gets. Well, it was a game in Alabama. So I said, well, it can get humid in the South. Yeah, nice. There we go. Good joke, right? This was like a little dinner party and like,

Wardy's your daughter, you're like, come on in, do your little joke. Come on, say it. Say it. You say it. It's like we're a couple at a dinner party. And she's like, say the funny thing you told me before. And then tell them what happened.

Tell them what I said then. Tell them what I said then Tell them what I said It went off in the room It did good It killed Huge laughs Some of the biggest laughs I've been a part of

But you got in trouble Then a big article Got delivered By the Daily Mail A big article The Daily Mail An article got delivered They delivered it

To the public They sent it around House to house Woke Project makes Disgusting joke about It was disgusting And then so it was just like gross And then I read a comment on it

And some lady wrote She goes he's a comedian Comedians don't care about anyone's feelings Yeah true get him And I was like well it was her It wasn't me The Daily Mail is bordering on like a recap website You know it's like the project will be on there almost every day

Just because of like One thing that got said They do that fun thing Where they do like Bullet points Of what's in the article Before you even get to the start Love that I love it

I think it's awesome Love like 20 photos In the article Like not even necessarily Connected to You know a story Totally It'll be a picture of you

From the gala Like 8 years ago Yeah Not even on the project They used the closest photo Of Sam's face For this article yeah yeah and then it was just like sicko from i feel like every time i open a daily mail article my computer crashes there's so much shit going on on the website there's entire movies running in the background yeah yeah there's eight ads that are all videos yes yes you can't look at where the sound it's like

shut the laptop and it's still going yeah yeah i've done that before where i've been looking Yes. You can't look at where the sound is. It's like someone's... Exactly. Where is it? Where is it? You have to shut the laptop and it's still going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done that before where I've been looking at my computer going, there's a Daily Mail article open somewhere. Where is it? It's like someone's MySpace profile in 2007. There's like a fucking dancing penguin skating across the screen. There's a dancing baby on the front page of the Daily Mail.

Yeah, that is news. You're trying to read about the hijackings that Bugs Life has just played. Full screen. I don't care. I love it. Always for car ads. Always. There's a new Mazda zipping around in somewhere.

Now, the beauty would be this becomes a Daily Mail. Project star Sam Thornton slams Daily Mail on a podcast. Yeah, that could happen. It's a dream to be in the Daily Mail. A photo of me onon slams Daily Mail on a podcast. Yeah, that could happen. It's their dream to be in the Daily Mail. A photo of me on Ward 6 East when I'm 12 with cancer. Not connected to this at all. It's also my dream to be on it. I want to get on there. You've never been to? I say some, I try to say royal jokes on

Have You Been? I just want that big photo of my face on there. Yeah. We've been, we've had a couple of things on the pod. No, but I think, I've said this before, but I think pretty much the way you get on that show, if you're in a podcast, you have to send it in yourself. Oh, to the Daily Mail.

Whenever you see a podcast article in the Daily Mail, there's not a podcast department of the Daily Mail that'll listen to every podcast. There's someone, whoever's hosting that podcast. Well, at the project, we have a guy that goes, shoots up Chapel Street. So surely they could get someone over there doing that. No, whoever's hosting that podcast we have a guy that goes shoots up Chapel Street so surely they could get someone over there

doing that no whoever's hosting that podcast he's sending it to the Daily Mail and then being surprised the next day where it's like

oh they're fucking talking about me on the Daily Mail it's like no you sent it in I know what you're saying we've had a couple of things that

someone said on here that have been picked up by the press and been like oh they were going off about this. But then we're just kind of like. Chandler, shit his pants.

Shit the bed. Why don't you do it? Because you guys get some big names. We actually should do it. And just cut some stuff out and be like, hey, this said this on a podcast anonymously. Yeah, we should start. It's time to start becoming full-time disruptors.

Yeah, I want to be a dobber. I'm sick of playing the game the right way. I want to be a fucking dibba-dobber that wearstime disruptors. Yeah, yeah. I want to be a dobber. I'm sick of playing the game the right way. I want to be a fucking dibba-dobba that wears nappies. Yeah, totally. And part of my role at the project is sometimes to look for stories we can talk about. So I can help this along. Yeah, yeah.

All the way to the top until it's Sam talking about himself on a podcast. Yeah, yeah. No. You could finally get on the project, Wardy, by like, you say something fucked now, we put on a podcast. Yeah, yes, no. You could finally get on the project, Wardy, by like, you say something, fuck now, we put on the podcast, we send the podcast into the Daily Mail, then you go to work tomorrow,

pitch that Daily Mail article to the project, and all of a sudden you're there. Take off that cape, Wardy. This all happens in one day. You get the list of the headlines, you say, look, there's a bit of a gap here for this kind of story. You race around here, here we quickly do a podcast we put it straight up you go back into work you find it and then we're off to the races yeah and then what happens after

that well then we control the media yeah oh is that the end game here is that where we're going yeah yeah yeah yeah well it's all self-sufficient anyway i think inclusion the project's a great show guys and definitely it Tune in You tune in Yeah just give us a chance I like it I think the new team Are doing great things

Why did that Why did you look at me like that Because I was complimenting you Sorry There was a smirk A smirk that suggested I think it's just what I actually mean it

I just think people say it like that Yeah So that's why I was smirking Okay God you guys can't take a compliment. You've been on this year. You've been on this year. Who have you met this year?

I've met Adam Sandler. Did I tell you that? Yes. Maybe last time I was here, I told you about Adam Sandler. Did you? Did I? We did a bonus where you talked about it, yeah. Oh.

You were via satellite. Yeah, via. And he called you handsome. Called me handsome. Said I was worth the wait. Yeah, that was really good. Margot Robbie. Did she call you handsome?

No, but she touched me. Okay. That was all right. Touched my arm, leant over, touched my arm. That's awesome. Are you like not washing that bit of your arm? Yeah. Bit of glad wrap over it in the shower.

Yeah, yeah. I tell everyone I just got a tattoo all the time. Oh, yeah. That'd be good. No, no, she touched me seven months ago. Yeah, yeah. I tell everyone I just got a tattoo all the time. Oh, yeah. That'd be good. No, no, she touched me seven months ago. That'd be great, walking to a tattoo parlor. Can you just tattoo her fingerprint on my arm? You'll find it there.

I've isolated it. Imagine if you found out Margot Robbie was just foul and hadn't washed her hands after going to the toilet. She just does. You're like, I'm not washing my arm. She touches you for two seconds, you get a rash immediately. That's great. She touches you and you walk off stage and you go, oh, wow, she touched me.

And someone else at the same time goes, oh, Margot Robbie just walked out of the Dunning without washing her hands. Honestly, even better. I feel like when you're that hot, you must walk out and look at yourself in the mirror and go, I'm not going to wipe my ar go yeah yeah i'm not gonna wipe my ass i could do anything i could walk around and smell like shit that's right and it's not

that's good you know at all it's like i'm too boring i'm so hot what would add character me not wiping my ass yeah that's cool yeah i'll walk around with a bit of funk we're trying to create this dialogue like the ugliest person is the cleanest person, which also just isn't true. And also that's how we all want to live. Like, God, it'd be great to be hot enough to be able to not wipe your ass. You know all that time you waste wiping your ass? Imagine if you could just get that.

You'd speed things up, wouldn't you? Going on dates is a two out of ten being like, but hey, I wipe my ass. I've got a real clean ass. Not to brag, but I showered before I came here. Yeah, yeah. Well, us types, we have to. Yeah, yeah. People smell on TV, though.

That's like, because there's heaps of lights and everyone's in makeup. Yeah, yeah. Often people will come on the desk and I'm like, you don't smell good at all. Really? Yeah. Who's the stinkiest? Yeah. This is for when you leave the project.

This is a Daily Mail article. Top five stinkiest. Exclusive. Torn says Gene Simmons reeks. No, Gene Simmons didn't smell. Who did smell? The guy from Pink Floyd. I swear he smelt.

Just old man smell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Cleese smelt. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just smelled. He looks like he'd smell. Yeah, he just smelled like an old, real old fud John Cleese smelt. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just smelt. He looks like he'd smell. Yeah, he just smelt like an old, real old fuddy-duddy.

And he kind of didn't know what was going on. But yeah, as soon as he could, there was a whiff. Does dementia smell? I can sniff it out. I kind of think there's a thing I have with like a certain generation of men where I look at them and I think like you're at the age and point in your life where you just would be dropping farts constantly during the day with zero, zero care. Well, I think that about Trump all the time because I was reading this article on his

diet and it's just like he eats a bucket of KFC and then it's like four steaks and then just drinks Coke or whatever. It's like he must be doing some heinous. Well, he wouldn't be going to the toilet With that diet I feel like he just farts out his shit He's got a clean air Imagine just not shitting And just farting out everything

This literally happened last night Tiny molecules This happened last night I had a big curry for lunch Here we go Here we go We're on here Alright

I tucked in my child foot to bed And and as I did that, I was like, you know sometimes when you think, I can get away with this, I'll just do a little fart here. I'm in my child's room. I can blame it on them. Yes. The perfect chroma. Yeah.

First level abuse. Because remember when you're a child and all your senses are just heightened? Like I reckon when I was a kid, my nose, like I was overpowered in a health food shop one day i remember really well you dropped to the ground it's too much yeah like the patchouli oil was just i couldn't i was overpowering it was like cyanide i was like i'm like mom get me out of here i can't handle being in here i couldn't do it i know i i remember the chandler family holiday to dalesville was an absolute disaster.

I do agree somewhat because I remember going into like a fish shop or something. Yeah, yeah. And as a child, you smell the fish and you're like, it hits you so hard. Yes. I don't really like seafood. And I think I used to always go to the market with my mum. And I remember like the fish bit being like just really making me feel awful. And I reckon you'd go in there now and you've just, I don't know, you've smelt too

many things now. Like it's all corroded or whatever. Takes a lot for something to really like penetrate. It takes a John Cleese or something now for you to really appreciate. My little kid next to John Cleese, he just passed it down. Oh, I can't handle that. Mum, stop taking

me to Monty Python. That's why he's being so objectionable and saying things that only other boomers agree with because he's like, anyone under the age of 20 that comes near him will die. So he's trying to just do public service. No, yeah, he's never come into, he's never come into like too close

to like younger people's opinions because they're all just so repelled by him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened to your gas blanket? So I came in and I did a – His daughter. Yeah, my daughter blanket. Nickname.

So as I'm tucking her in – Big curry. I expel and thinking I can get away with this. When you say get away with it, is that in terms of like your wife catching you? No, in terms of like it probably won't be that bad. No one's smelling it. Yeah, no one will pick up on it but of course i've got a four-year-old yeah exactly that's that's higher risk because

there's no decorum of like yes if one of you dropped guts now i'd be like well i'm not gonna not gonna yeah would you say anything yeah i mean well look given that we're talking about it yes i would be like hey this is crazy that now this has happened. The risk of not saying anything is people thinking it's you. But then the risk of saying it's like too denying. It's a really hard line. It's a tough situation. I'm always paranoid when I'm like at the gym or like in a crowded thing where I can smell that someone's farted.

And I always get paranoid because I'm like, I reckon everyone else is looking at me thinking that's the guy. I feel like I have the look of, I feel like most people would profile me and think like, that's the, like I've got the look of like the guy who would have done this. And this does kind of go back to the original point about Margot Robbie, not wiping her ass.

Because no one is thinking it's her. She could walk around just with this shit all over her. And no one's going to be like, it's her. Schlubs like me copping the blame. It's literally that saying. She's walking around like her shit doesn't stink.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait. Well, the world kind of makes sense now. That's where the saying came from. Marilyn Monroe famously never wiped her ass. Hot girl privilege.

As a dresser flying up above that great new dirty shit-stained arses happening in it, people still couldn't believe it. The wind wasn't the great shit, it was farting. Yes, yes. 74-year-olds died that day. Yeah, it wasn't a seven-year itch, it was a seven-year death.

Yeah, yeah. Seven-year-old dies. So you've snuck one out. I thought I've got away with it as I'm tucking her in. And she just goes, she just all of a sudden like. You bent down as well. Jesus Christ. Her hair, all of her hair stood up and just went, daddy, I think I can.

She goes, daddy, I smell poo. See, and this is a... You guys might not know this, but this has already been a topic of discussion on the pod recently that on a recent family holiday, Carl shit the bed, was cleaning it up covertly and sort of let blanket in on the little secret

and now she hasn't forgot. So you're already... She's four. It's her only story she has. I've heard about you shitting yourself twice now. She swam up to someone in a public pool the other day and said, my daddy did a poo in the bed in Thailand. She's told everyone.

People are now getting sick of the story. She's going to the in-laws and telling them over and over, and my wife's coming home and going I don't know how to fix this but can you tell her to stop telling and you're like

you think I haven't thought of this is the story getting better is she punching it up the more she does it because it's like it's so pure it's like

why do you need to punch it up she goes my daddy did a poo in a bed in Thailand the only thing you have going for you

is it sounds like a lie like I wouldn't I'd be, he definitely didn't do that. I don't know why you're lying. He's 47. That would be – It's just no way. It's no way. You know what?

Because she's doing it so much that yesterday I picked her up from kinder, and I said to the teacher, the teacher was like, oh, I'll see you next week. And I said, oh, no, no, we're actually away next week. And she goes, oh, that's right. Sorry, of course. You're going to Singapore. And I went, oh, you know that? And she goes, oh, yes, well, of course.

Your kid is just, she just tells everything that ever happens. So she's been going on and on about Singapore this week. And then she starts going, you know, and you taught her, you know, the letters D, E, F, and G this week. She's been going on about that all week. And also the other stuff. Oh, boy. E, F and G this week. She's been going on about that all week and also the other stuff. Oh, boy.

See, I feel like you've done I feel like you've done Wardian Taunt's a disservice at the start of the farting story. I feel like this is key information. That is such important information. Knowing that you're walking into the bedroom being like, I can get away with dropping my guts here.

Not knowing that you're living in this world where she's just been talking to you. You're already on such. You fart. Immediately she gets a notebook out and she writes story number two. No, but this is what happens. So she goes, she's in there and she goes, I smell poo.

And then she pulls up the blank and goes, she pulls up the blank of the bed and goes, did someone do poo in my bed? Oh, wow. It's not me. I will do poo in my own bed. I'm not going to do poo in my child's bed, all right? This is just a fart, okay? Don't turn this into a news story where I'm shitting in my daughter's bed.

This kid is learning the craziest life lessons. She's going to be the only kid that when she's 12, she's like, oh, I said I'd be home by 8. I better or dad will shit in my bed. I walked in at 8.05 once and he was already squatting over the doona. I'm like, I'm trying to nip it in the bud. Like, I don't want to... Well, that's the whole problem.

He's going to the blue light disco and he's cooking up a curry. Just as like a warning sign. Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden from now on, a four-year-old is just like coming home from kinder and then like sleeping on the couch. Yeah.

Nah, this will do actually from now on. Yeah. I'd better get my homework done. I saw dad tucking into some wicked wings. I'd be in trouble here. You've probably recapped this, but what happened in Thailand when you shat just too much bad food

and you just shat in the bed? Gastro. There's a lot of gastro going on. I'm going to be a little less judgmental. No, no, no. I really thought you just couldn't be bothered walking to the bathroom. You didn't go straight to food poisoning. You were like, you're too tired to get up.

It is crazy, though, that I didn't think it was gastro. I just thought that you shat in your sleep or something. That's because he's told me a story about going for a jog and shitting in the bushes. And I was like, he's just a guy who shits. You're one of the shitting guys. In lockdown, I was a guy that we talked about on the show. I was a, he's just a guy. You're one of the shitting guys. In lockdown, I was a guy that we talked about

on the show. I was a poo jogger. So I was getting caught short a lot. I was eating a lot of high fiber bread at about two o'clock running as it kicked in

and in lockdown, I was... Couldn't not eat the bread. I would literally... I know, I don't see a way around this. I would literally... It took me quite a while

to figure it out. Take up knitting, dude. Yeah. It took me a lot of... It took me a long time to make the correlation between the red and the shitting. But I could take you on a Hollywood map of the stars guide to Bridge Road. We should do this, by the way. We should do the walking tour. Places off Shatt in Richmond in broad daylight and in front of cars going by.

I could show you. Could we do that as a walking tour with like one of those headset things? Silent disco. Yeah, you've got to. Everyone's wearing them walking along. As long as your daughter comes so that she has another story. And she's going, oh, you do it outside as well. Oh, that's very nice of you.

That's nice of you. Homeless people at someone's bed. Yes. And so did your... Oh, wait, sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I was... Where were we up to?

I was doing that alone in lockdown. Yeah. Yeah. And then in Phuket. So in Phuket, very sick. I was sick for about five days. We've talked about this on the pod. Sick for about five days.

I went to a chemist. They just sort of like gave me like a... Literally gave me $100 literally gave me a hundred dollars worth of mixed medicine and i was just going through it and i took these charcoal tablets and they just absolutely cleaned me out and i woke up in the morning and the bed was ruined in my sleep in my sleep completely ruined i don't remember even as a kid ever shitting the bed no but i like i'll have dreams where i'm shitting and then you like kind of you're half awake and you wake up and you just think like oh because when you're a kid

and you piss the bed you'd be like pissing in your dream right yeah and so like having the dream where you're shitting and then i always wake up and i'm like oh no not now yeah not at age 37 please please no i'm quite a reclusive shitter. Like I could just not shit. Like I would never shit on a run. Like my mind is so strong when it comes to shitting. You're not even a like. I can just hold it in. Okay, you got it.

Good. You're not even like an out and about public toilet. You're not sick enough. No, I will avoid public toilets. Interesting. I will never shit in a public toilet. Really? I remember once I was dating this girl and she lived in a share house with like five other women.

I was just using Bridge Road As a very public toilet I was living My first girlfriend Lived in this share house With five other women There was like six girls in there And I

And I think this is why I remember doing a shit And then I came out of the toilet And like four of them Were like lined up Waited Waiting to go in And then

I was just like Oh And they were like All looked like They could smell it. Like they were like, they're all four years old. I've been in not quite that many people, but there's nothing that a house of all girls hates more than one of them having a new boyfriend who's coming around. I mean, they hate it when each other shit too.

It's like I've worked with women and it's the shame is constant. Really? It's just like, you just want to die all the time like i can't not i have to go to the toilet but i'm i just think the girls are gonna disrespect me yeah okay interesting well that's good to know i think it's i mean maybe it was just the house i lived in but yeah but i think things are getting better right in your generation even a house of women let us know by the time your daughter is my age it's going to be fine with parents like you

yes exactly you're changing it yeah she's going to be very open about poo and I think she yeah I think

it's literally been a thing you know like kids get toilet trained and whatever she's going through a bit of a period now where she's wetting her pants where

like that'll happen every now and then at a certain age or whatever. But she's having that at the moment where she'll do it. And then you go, hey, you did wet your pants. And she'll be like, yeah, so what? I'm like, I've taught her the wrong thing. I learned it from you. I learned it from watching you. It's just a fucking free-for-all in our house apparently now.

Now she knows I just take a shit in the bed. It's like, well, wetting my pants is fucking nothing compared to that yeah is your wife gonna take over this she's gonna look i'm gonna have to deal with the toilet stuff because you cannot you're too liberal with weeing yeah she either has to like put the rule down or she has to join in like it's one way or the other yeah i wonder what her choice is she's just spewing she's like we've got a shit or a pisser and a spewer here it's obviously way or the other I wonder what her choice of She's just spewing She's like We've got a shit or a piss Or a spewer here

It's obviously hard Being a single mother But at least you avoid Stuff like this happening What the hell You can't beat them Join them so The smell's coming around

Your house Yeah So what The curry masks it So So she asks Did someone Did someone shit

Did someone poo in my bed Yeah she's like literally looking in the bed. Yeah. And what are you saying? I'm like, oh, daddy broke wind. Yeah, dad. Daddy broke wind. I go, it must have been like a fart coming from somewhere.

Oh, no. Coming from somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it was you. Just gaslighting. Gaslighting a four-year-old. Literally gaslighting. I thought I heard a noise come from you, blanket. Just gaslighting. Gaslighting a four-year-old. Literally gaslighting. I thought I heard a noise come from you, blanket.

Could have been anyone. Could have been anyone in this room. Could have been anyone. No, but she's not that bad. I go, you know, it must have come from somewhere. And she's like, I know, it's you. It's you. I'm like, yeah, all right.

All right, yeah. I have a friend who we were all at the pub in the smokers area. This is a few years ago. It was a big group of us and we're all sort of sitting there and all of a sudden we just smell this awful. Literally, people we don't know are leaving. We clear out the smokers area. And my friend just puts her hand up and is like,

yeah, all right, fair play. It was me. And I was like, I've never right, fair play, it was me. And I was like... Really? She owned up to it? I've never smelt anything like that in my life. And my friend goes up to her and puts his hand on her shoulder and looks into her eyes and very earnestly goes, you need to go to the toilet. I was going to say that.

Now that... I was really hoping you were going to say that. Because you know what? My mum used to say that to me all the time. If I would fart, she wouldn't go, what's that smell? Or who did the fart? She'd come up and go, you need to go to the toilet. Man, it was one of the greatest nights of my life.

I was like, my chest was hurting afterwards. Because it was like the dual thing of like, I've never smelled anything like this before. It's like strangers have left the smoking area. And then it was just very funny that our friend was just like, just like big smile on her face. Just copping to it. Just like, hey-o. And then like Ernest talking to her like a fire.

It was just like the levels of it kept ramping up. But I don't know why saying you need to go to the toilet is so much funnier. I thought you were going to say she'd go to the doctor. So did I. But saying go to the toilet. It's like we need an immediate solution we can't change everything something's living up there and we need to get them out get it out she did go to the doctor the doctor was just like you need to go to the toilet that's good

you need to live in a toilet yeah put your whole body in the toilet i imagine that that's maybe like 30 of being a doctor is like someone comes in and they describe everything and it's like, you just really need to go to the toilet. It's like the IT specialist, on-off button. You just need to go to the toilet. Yeah, that's the computer reset button. She's taking a big shit.

Oh, yeah, it's all cleared right up. No issues anymore. Feel better now. Here's two charcoal tablets. Yes. Absolutely. Go to bed. Yeah.

Don't go to the toilet. Go to bed. You need to go to the toilet. Yeah, that's funny, though, that your friend gets kicked out of the smoker's area. They're full of, like, carcinogenic fumes. Absolutely. That's fine. Now, this stinks.

This might do some damage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cigarette's damaging my lungs, but I feel like what I'm smelling is giving me brain damage. It's really... Maybe they should have those, like, you know,

those cigarette, like, pictures and warnings on the packets. Have them on curries, on menus and that. Oh, yeah, like instead of the gangrenous foot, it's just a bowl

that's been absolutely destroyed. It's like the gambling ads where it's like, think before you gamble. A bed with shit in it. Be careful with this madras. The last time I smelt the worst fart was at the airport in the Lego shop. Great app.

I love the Lego shop. The Lego shop. People at home that aren't into this, feel free to skip to the next episode. I don't think that's going to do you any good. Just reminded of it because we were talking about kids not surviving bad smells. We'll do a Patreon ep after this and I won't have any fart talking about it. This is a quick one.

So I'm there admiring the Home Alone house in the Lego store. You can build the whole house from Home Alone. Lego is so cool now. It's so expensive. Let's not get into it. Anyway, there's children and me everywhere and there's one other lady in the shop and so all of a sudden, it

is like that. It is like the worst smell and she quickly walks out, right? She walks out. It wasn't me, but then all the kids start going, and like put down their boxes and run out. Run out?

Yeah, they're running around. They found it so funny, but I just was like, it wasn't me, but I still felt like it may as well have been me. I was so humiliated. It's because you're not doing anything. It goes back to those clean virginal noses

that the children have. They are the canaries down the mine shaft. Can you just isolate that audio? A clean, virginal nose. Beautiful. Yeah, a four-year-old. A attractive nose. Sexy nose.

I don't get, you know, sometimes I get recognised. Actually, not that often, but when I do, it does seem to be at the airport because I think there's the widest range of people at the airport. And that was like, I just had a moment standing there holding a Lego. Like, if anyone sees me right now stinking to high heaven absolutely

have you been paying attention yeah that's a hell of a daily mail in a children's place you haven't been paying attention to your diet yeah

have you been paying attention to how shit's herself in the Lego gasses out the Lego store at the airport stinky pedo from have you been paying attention

now there's a daily mail stinky pedo I like you I like what Attention. Now there's a Daily Mail article. Stinky pedo. I like what you were saying before, Sam, like the gambling ads that have like, hey, think what you're doing to your family. More ads should have just the end of dominoes. It's like before you call this number, have a think about, do you have enough toilet duck on hand to deal with the fallout of this?

So when I was like 18 to like 21, and this is like how dumb I was or how dumb men are, I would like sometimes get like violent diarrhea and I couldn't work out what it was. And then after three years, I realized every time I ate Subway, I would just get violent. And it took me three years to work it out. Like I couldn't put two and two together. And it was like, I would just get a meatball Subway Subway and then shit myself all afternoon. And I needed a warning. Someone needed to tell me.

That was literally me in lockdown eating this high-fiber bread and I just, for whatever reason, I just liked the look of it. And then after like nine months, I just liked the look of it. After nine months, there's this huge sticker saying, this is like 90% fiber. Like be careful of this. And I was like, literally, I just kept looking at it going, oh, that is like 90% fibre. Like, be careful of this. And I was like, literally, I just kept looking at it going,

oh, that just means it's healthy. I didn't realise that meant this is like eating fucking seven kilos of meat. Yeah, they need a second sticker on top of that that says, and by the way, fibre is the thing that makes you shit. What was that cereal that was aimed at just making you shit? Just right? All Brand? Yeah, All Brand.

And it's like a marketing campaign. It looks like rabbit food. It's just pellets and fibre. shit just right all brand no yeah no yeah all brand it's like a marketing campaign it looks like it looks like rabbit food it's just are you running out of time to have your rice bubbles and you met a mucil to you know separately yeah let's just knock them into one yeah i remember the ads used to be like joking about like you would eat it and then you go to the toilet so what a crazy marketing campaign that was and it still didn't get through to your head that you could eat something and then shit. Well, yeah, but I don't know what Subway is. I don't know what food is in there.

I just think that's a sign of how little young men communicate. It's a sign of something much darker that you didn't say to one person in three years, I felt sick earlier. Because one person would have gone, did you eat something? Yeah, true. I didn't bring it up to anyone. You just held that in. Yeah, because you have that fear when you're a kid,

like if you bring something up and the people that you're with don't know what you're talking about, then that becomes your nickname. You get bullied about it for the rest of your life. We were at a sleepover once and it was like everyone was drifting off to sleep. And through the darkness, just one of my friends goes, don't you hate it when you do an orange poo? And everyone just goes, what the fuck are you talking about? Hang on, can I guess?

Nickname, Fanta Poo? Anyway, that was just his thing that he was known for for the rest of school. I thought you were about to guess what type of curry they ate. You were like, based on the orange poo. When I was a kid, we had this pizza place near us that was really good. And then it closed down and a Domino's opened up in its place. And my friend's older brother's girlfriend worked at the chemist next door. What? Your friend. And my friend's older brother's girlfriend worked at the chemist next door. What?

Your friend's? My friend's older brother's girlfriend worked at the chemist next door to the Domino's and she was telling us one day, since that Domino's opened up, the diarrhea medicine that we have, sales gone through the roof. Wow. We got cleaned out within a week. We had to start tripling the order of pallets and this stuff.

Wow. That's funny that they're like shitting themselves on the way out of the fucking Domino's. As they're doing like, we need the diarrhea mix immediately. The combo. They like tight ass Tuesday. It's not tight ass. It's open. Look, keep the garlic bread.

Chuck some Imodium in there for me. Garlic bread, 1.25 litre of Coke and... Yep, some wings and some diarrhoea tablets. No, but this is like a little kind of... This is in the suburbs. This is like a little kind of village of shops. So it's like very... It's very like...

Yeah, it's literally next door. So it's very like, oh, I've had that for dinner. Now I'm crook. I'm going to have to pop into the canvas tomorrow.ist tomorrow was this dying in or did they have to come back i don't know probably had to come back i assume this is just like the next day but it's like yeah just like it's all of a sudden diarrhea ravaging the area yeah yeah domino's coming into the area that's domino's comes in that's a very funny thing if if someone at the head of like a chain of chemists is doing that it's see the planning, you see Domino's coming in and going,

right, triple the order of diarrhea tablets. Maybe, yeah. I also just love that the company is called Domino's, which is the Domino effect. We didn't say that wasn't going to happen. I don't know if it still is, but their slogan used to be, I've got the hots for what's in the box. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Me and my friend used to then say, after we heard that, I've got the trots from what's in the box. Oh, yeah, I remember that. And me and my friend used to then say, after we heard that, I've got the trots from what's in the box with the dots. Yes, yes. It's pretty good. They could just lean in. Yeah. Because, like, you know, it'll give you diarrhea, but... They could lean in.

Hey, when you're having it, it's good. They could be like, you know how it's bad for you? Doesn't matter, you shit it out straight away. Yeah. Look, if it's any consolation, it won't be in your body for too long. Yeah, you won't absorb that much of it. It just goes straight down. That was, you know, when I shit in the bed

that was the that was the thing in Phuket like it was going around I remember going to the chemist and then just

no going to the 7-Eleven because they had all that sort of stuff you can get anything in those 7-Elevens yeah

and they were just cleaned out and it was just me staggering from 7-Eleven to 7-Eleven to chemist to chemist

and the whole place is like cleaned out of anything helpful these are all like tourists that are shitting themselves. Yeah. The locals, they've got guts of steel. Oh, they're all fine because they're not eating in whatever we're eating that's wrong.

Whatever. And it's a very touristy area. So there's not people around there or whatever. Well, yeah. And they've got different constitutions. Exactly. You know? Yeah.

But yeah, they're not eating the restaurant food. Well, they're not all eating what I chose to eat during the day, which was fish curry at a place that clearly that wasn't fresh fish. But they might be, but your stomach just kind of evolves and changes. Because it's like the water in each place. It's like your stomach gets used to it. That's why you... Literally could have been sick from water.

Like I would always buy bottled water. And they wash it. But I figured out one of the hotels was, they weren't like sealed properly. I was like, they're just fucking filling this up down at the creek. That's crazy. Like, there's no one who was like... I got diarrhea. There's no one who was born in Udboot going like,

oh, God, I got that fucking barley belly again. Yeah. You know what it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Well, I'm glad you guys liked You Need to Go to the Toilet because a bit of sad news in my group of friends lately. So that guy was dating a friend of mine and they've split up. Oh, shit.

And then she's found out that he was cheating on her. Oh. So it's very dramatic stuff. The tap on the shoulder? The tap on the shoulder guy. He was cheating on? He was cheating on my friend. Who needed to go to the toilet.

Not her. Different person. Well, maybe that's why he was cheating. No one's dating needed to go to the toilet? Not her. Different person. Well, maybe that's why No one's dating needed to go to the toilet. No, no. I was going to say. No, I thought

maybe she was in the toilet and that's when he was doing the dirty on her. Well, she was busy in the toilet. That's why it all happened. He's like, she's going to be in there a while.

We've got a bit of time. She wasn't even sick. He just kept shoving her in the toilet and going, no, you need to go to the toilet while I fuck someone else. That's why he was mad. The smokers got cleared out and he was like,

I was going to try and fuck all of them. Traditionally, you go and cheat in the toilet. He's the biggest cunt. He's like, you go to the toilet, you bitch. Someone needs to smoke something and it's not a cigarette. Yeah, that's the ultimate. That's if you're an expert cheater and you've gotten too good at it. You're like, I'm going to do it as public as I can.

I'm going to make you go to the private place and I'm just going to do it in a field. How did he get caught? Bizarrely just like cheating with a friend of a friend and then this link of four separate people down. Someone overhears a thing and is like, oh link of like four separate people down someone overhears a thing and he's like oh those names sound familiar this guy he he knew he'd get caught right that's too close i genuinely don't think he did but anyway so uh so she so she's a really good friend of

mine so i've been spending a lot of time with her you know we've all been kind of like rallying around her and she's very upset and everything and And she was telling me, she's like, yeah, when I found out I was so fucking mad and I went out into the backyard and we had this like little garden gnome that's like a little naked garden gnome that I don't know where it came from but I'm pretty sure it's busted. She wasn't naked. She fucked it. Because they live together too, right, so now he's got to move out.

So she's like, I've got this garden gnome. I've always hated it, never knew where it came from. I'm pretty sure it's his. Like he brought it when he moved in. And I just took it out into the backyard and I just got a hammer and I just started smashing the fuck out of it. And it really made me feel good, this smashing this stupid fucking garden gnome. I've always hated it.

I didn't know where it came from. It really made me feel good to get back at him, just obliterating this fucking shit little cunt of a thing. Did she say it like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that verbatim? And I'm listening. This shit little cunt of a thing.

Whoa. And I'm listening. I'm like, that's cool. That's great that that kind of helped you get your anger out. I got you that nomazana. I vividly remember they had like a thing just – they'd moved in lockdown and they had a thing just after – Also, I fucked your boyfriend.

You need to go to the therapist. I was like, oh, I remembered like they had a, they moved in lockdown and they had a thing like just after, and it wasn't like, it wasn't like an official housewarming, but on the way there I walked past a $2 shop and just saw this stupid little like naked garden gnome. I was like, I'll turn up with this as like a housewarming gift. This is funny.

And then all these other friends of ours are there with their little kids and they're all like poking the gnome on the dick and people are going, who the fuck brought this? Yeah, he's got a little dick hanging out. It's the childless guy over there. Yeah. I thought it was funny. So anyway, the ex has moved out now.

He's gotten all his stuff. He vacated the premises pretty quickly, went and stayed at a mate's place. And I think he paid like a month of rent and was like, look, you know, I'll just stay out. I'll come and get my stuff at the end of the month. Came in the other day and got all his things, got all his things out of the house. Left the keys, did all that. Left one thing behind. Oh. Now, what do that. Left one thing behind. Oh.

Now, what do you think he's left behind? A full condom. Wait, okay, we're going around guessing. I reckon he left behind, not his little black book, obviously. A pair of undies. A pair of undies? A pair of undies? Okay. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, something like maybe... I think it'd be more than clothing. He didn't have heaps. He had like, I think, couch, like a walk, and then just like his personal effects. So it was like kind of one car worth. So that's all he had in the house. Yeah.

That's all he owns. He's a freeloader. This guy was never sticking around. Yeah. Had he moved in the day before? What the fuck is this? Yeah. I'm trying to think what guys have when they're unhappily in a relationship.

You know, when a guy's unhappy in a relationship and then he goes and gets like a workout set for the garage. Yeah. Like he had dumbbells or something. I would leave, I was thinking about or something i would leave i was thinking about this i would leave everything if i broke up with my partner really i just it would be easier if you cheated on her so you're gonna leave her with all this oh wait unless it wouldn't be more convenient to leave the stuff like rather than just be like burn it burn it all yeah just to be like oh i bought that chair it's like you take convenient for you, but then she's got to deal with the emotional labour of getting rid of all this stuff.

But isn't it worse to get a new table or something? Do you know what I mean? Depends. No, but that's such a crazy move to go, I'm getting kicked out of the house. I'm so sorry for cheating on you. I get it. Anyway, to help out with everything, I'm going to leave all of my garbage with you to deal with. Yeah, yeah.

I think you're looking at this wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Maybe a light bulb. A light bulb? deal with yeah yeah i think you put it like that yeah yeah yeah um i don't know maybe um maybe a light bulb a lot a lot can you believe this cunt didn't get his light bulb out of my house he left his light bulb here oh what a mean cunt it's we have so many memories together with all that illumination it lit us up every night i get it as you can see there's a i've you know there's a couple of blown light globes

Where the fuck do you throw out light globes? Yeah I don't know what you do with them I've got like three just sitting there That I'm like I keep meaning to look up Where do you take these fucking things? So look If that was the thing

I get it Yeah yeah yeah It's a tough one to disclose This has got to be Man this is Wardy it's up to you Fishbowl What's a good

Fishbowl A fishbowl A fishbowl Maybe they hadbowl? A fishbowl? Maybe they had a fish. Wait, no fish. So he took the fish with him. Scooping the plastic bag out. I'm taking this.

Yeah, he broke a light bulb and he put a little bit of water in it. And he took his little fish. Put his mouth under the tap, filled it up, chucked the fish in there. Hey, the girl I cheated with, we're together now. She works at the aquarium, so this little fella will be fine. I don't need the tank. Maybe his hex got attached

to his fish and he left it. Yep. Yeah. Okay, left the fishbowl. There's got to be a better guess than this. Okay, well,

I'm still like my fitness idea. Dumbbells. Yeah, dumbbells. I think dumbbells is good. Tommy Dussel doesn't come to this podcast and go, guess what he left?

A dumbbell. There's got to be something more remarkable. In all seriousness, was it a shit, an unplushed shit? Yeah, because I thought that was where this was headed. Yeah, I kind of felt like That's, I mean, if it's the other way

around, if it's her having been cheated on, moving out of the house and then as a final up yours. I've got it. He left a bra. He left a bra that wasn't hers there. Oh, okay, that's good. I feel like you wouldn't want to inflict He left a bra. He left a bra that wasn't hers there. Oh, okay. That's good. That's good.

I feel like you wouldn't want to inflict. It's not on purpose. Would you just be like wearing it or something? Why has he got it? He's got it. Keeping it in his pocket. Empty room, just bra in the middle of the floor. Okay, what was it?

I will say she listens to this too, so I'm sure she's having a good time with this. I'm sure she's having a great time. Okay. I'm sure she's having a great time. Okay, you guys ready to find out what it was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A framed piece of artwork by me. Better than a bra. Yes. Bought a print at my exhibition and just packing everything up and being like,

well, he's picked his allegiances. What am I i gonna fucking hang this on the wall at my new place no i think be reminded of this guy who's i love this this couple this ex-couple have got absolutely no respect for any of your fucking i know they had about you main character syndrome and make it all about me but fuck i'm copying it in this breakup but also i'm gonna say i feel like somehow this is your fault that they broke up I feel like you would they should be still together

they're made for each other they both hate what you do she hates the gnome he hates the prince let's call the whole thing off maybe that's all they ever had in common and they realised

there wasn't enough to build a life on that was him yeah how often can we sit Sit around on a Sunday night And go Gee Daslo's stuff sucks

So I assume the next part Of this story Is she took it out the back And absolutely smashed it I need to give her I should give her permission to I don't know what they're Going to do with it

Whether they want to Like touch base And be like Are you Because they're like They're going off They're like This cunt

He just fucking Left this behind What now we've got to Like message him again And get him to come And fucking get it and pick it up i'm like guys you can i think it looks really good you could just hang it on the wall it'll brighten up this place not a possible scenario where they keep it by the way in my head it's a given this has to go. In my head, the art is just a drawing of a naked gnome. First of all, he cheated on me. Even worse, he's left me with this.

The cheating I can handle. So for full context... But the artwork, no, I feel sick. And for full context, she lives with the girl who needed to go to the toilet. So this is all like a... Wow, this is crazy that that all just segued in nicely. I know. Yeah, I was going to bring it up anyway, but I got a nice little...

Well, she should get, as payback, she should get the girl that needed to go to the toilet to do a shit, box it up, send it to the ex-boyfriend as payback. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? I finally... Get the housemamate to take it. Get your housemate to take the shit.

The most brutal shit of all time. You send it through. This is for cheating on me, motherfucker. And it's just like... But they do it like the end of Seven. So I open up the box and it's this shit. But it's got glasses

and a hand on it making it look like your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Hope there's a Domino's close by. Yeah. So I don't know. I'm kind of like

oh yeah put the dots on the box yeah because it's a it's a screen print that I've I've sold out of all the other

I made like 50 and it's one of the ones that I've sold out of and it was one of like the framed ones from the exhibition so it's like it's in a good frame

I don't have any more of them it's like I'll have a look I'm pretty sure your friends bought them all I'm pretty sure your friends bought them all. You can probably like on-sell it. I'm pretty sure your friends bought them all as a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow. What a joke. Got my ass. They're not a fan of yours. Cool, I've made a profit. He got me. Yeah, I don't know. If they truly don't want the memories of him having,

I don't even know why you'd even necessarily look at it and think of him. It's just a thing that I made. I reckon someone will take it, especially after hearing this story. Well, now it's famous. Now it's a famous crime. Now it's immortalised. It's famous.

Maybe we do just get it all – No, but now it's haunted. It is haunted, yeah. If you put this in your house, you're going to break up. Maybe we get a little bit of – if I can get a couple of – if there's any gnome shrapnel left in the backyard, can just kind of like put a bit of that under the frame.

So it's like episode 680 or whatever. It's like if you ever want your friends dating someone and you want them to break up, it's like this is a starter kit. Get some Daslow art, a little fucking naked gnome. Yeah, get a gnome from the $2 shop on Smith Street. This is it. If someone listening to this wants to sort of break up but doesn't have the balls to do it, they buy this artwork,

they put it up in their house and they let it do its magic. Well, I mean, our sample size is one at the moment. No. So at the very least, we need to do this as an experiment. If we truly did find out that this was a cursed piece of art. It's part of the curse. This would be awesome and it would become the most valuable piece of art in the world. It's part of the curse that someone ends up moving in with you that never takes a shit.

Also, I like the idea that this is cursed now. So to be clear, this painting made this bloke go and get his dick sucked by someone else. Oh, yeah, that could have been the painting as well. Yeah, so the painting might have other powers, like crazy powers. Well, now I need to get this back and put it in my next exhibition and have the little artist statement next to it. It's like, well, the reason I did this piece of work was to be able to inspire someone to get their dick sucked

by someone who's not their partner. Yeah, yeah. It would go into some crazy, incredible gallery, though, if it proved to be that it had the success. 100% of people who've looked at this have broken up with their partner. So it's in its own room. It's in its own room.

You have to sign a waiver before you walk in. I'm prepared for whatever happens in here. Which gallery do you want it in? Probably the NGV. Yeah, I just love imagining someone dragging their girlfriend to the NGV. Yeah, you need to have a look. No, exactly. In the next room, in the Louvre, next to the Mona Lisa,

there's this huge crowd that's all of a sudden fucked off. You can go and see the Mona Lisa whenever you want. There's all these unhappy couples getting drawn to this dazzling room. Yeah, or it's like you yeah, you're on a holiday. You know, sometimes a holiday can be high stress. It can be the thing that makes people realise this isn't going to last. Like, you know, so you're at the Louvre. Your partner's – you're lining up to look at the Mona Lisa.

Your partner's being a pain in the arse and you just go, why don't we just pop into this room? Get a little look at the Dassault. You know, you're like, I want out. People coming out in tears. Yeah, yeah. People coming out in tears people coming out in tears and then just going into the rodin section and kicking the fuck out of some statues yeah people are like daniel sloss made people broke up with a routine about marriage this guy did it with just a painting that was somehow more impressive i like that yeah like sloss had like a count like he knew exactly how many people they have like a live ticker in this museum of couples going in

then coming out like a big debt counter on wall street yeah yeah yeah totally but totally sloss sloss made sloss is special when he talked about relationships or whatever he made everyone sit down and go oh yeah maybe we should just part ways he never got anyone's dick sucked on the way there that's so true this is one up. This is one up on it. If I could combine them and it's like, it's either, it's one of two things happen. You break up or it makes you realise

you need to go to the toilet. It's one of two things. This like potent. Well, I did a beautiful painting in Phuket that could be framed. The portrait of Dorian Brown. That was some interactive. You did some real interactive art.

Yeah, yeah. Some real insider art. Some insider art. It used to be insider art. Oh, my God. No, I like the idea that it's a real... You know what's truly insane? The Jackson Pollock of Thailand, I like to call myself.

The Thai government then bought your bed sheet, framed it in their parliament house. Coming in here and being like, I've had this breakup stuff up the sleeve for a little bit and being like, all right, today's probably the day. And then we get on to talking about shitting ourselves. I'm like, well, I guess today's not the day for it. Never would I have imagined that we'd not only find a way to get into it

but then loop it back in around. Fuck me. Oh god. Well. Is there anything left in it? Any other short little anecdotes? I'm definitely losing steam. Where are we?

That was a beautiful summation of everything just then, Tommy. Well, yeah. I'll try and work out what their plans are for this piece of artwork, this cursed piece of artwork. I would love to see it. Yes, Sam. I would love some. I'm in the lookout.

Yeah, I can't remember what print it is, but I'll double check. I'll ask them to. I just say, I'm on the lookout. My girlfriend listens to this entire book. And then at the end I go, i go i'm actually on the lookout you know it could be like you know um you know you know that famous thing where in the 90s there was that like episode of pokemon that gave like everyone in japan a seizure because it had this really quick like flashing thing and it like triggered epilepsy in like half of the population

or something what if you go on the project and you're like, I just want to big up this friend of mine. He's an artist. And you like, you hold up the print. And then it's like next day, all of the population of Australia, single overnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to have to cut that out. Oh, there's a diarrhea epidemic. Tinder just explodes.

Each coast of the country is shitting themselves. Everyone's phones with Tinder and it just blows up. It's like, fucking hell. Maybe that's how the breakups happen is they're like fighting over the toilet. Yeah,

it's all linked. It's all linked. I mean, famously, I don't have any artwork, any pictures on my wall at all. That's nothing. What,

famously? On this podcast. Famously, I'm a psychopath. On this podcast. You are a psychopath. You just got walls. Yeah,

yeah. Do you even have paint on them? You got paint? It's just not got walls. Yeah, yeah. Do you even have paint on them? You've got paint? It's just not naked walls. It's an exposed brick. It's just wiring. I thought you would have like...

I'm thinking chipboard. Chipboard. Chandler Walks Plaster Construction site. Tools down, boys. It's good to go. You've got the frames up. What are you just... Oh, man, you're over egging things

yeah um i thought you would have like surfing like bikini girls i thought you just have more smeared in your own shit that's that's up for the walls that's for another part of the house no no we should have we should have stuff up i just never we just never got around to it. We did have like one or two things up. You didn't even got around to it. Yeah. You're saying it's so final.

There's still time. I know. You're still young. I know. You're saying it's like you're on your deathbed. I'm busy. There's important things to do. Well, there's a bit of artwork going right now.

Yeah. No, but maybe that's why I never put it on subconsciously. I'm like like I cannot afford to get dumped I can't afford to get dumped well like I've said we need a

you need some stuff on your wall you need to go you need some stuff on your walls I need to go to the painting shop get a photo

of your daughter just in the moment telling like you know like in the moment telling someone about your stories I did have I did have

I did have some pictures up on the wall. We did eventually have one or two pictures up on the wall and then the walls got painted and they just chopped down the nails and then no one ever bothered putting up nails again. I didn't think they chopped down the nails. I think so. Chopped? That's so spiteful.

What a strange sentence. I don't know why that... Someone... They painted the walls and then they took the nails out. The 3M hooks. Chopped down the nails. Oh, I don't know how to do that. What about this?

So you need some art on your walls. You need to get Queer Eye'd for the straight. I'm happy to have as many interventions as it takes. I'm all good with it. Carl goes on Queer Eye and they all turn straight. We can't do this. We finally met our starkest opposition. They all leave in Liverpool.

In Liverpool merch the guy that teaches people how to dance is shitting himself in the street they come into Queer Eye House and look at the bed and go what's really got not much

to do with us being queer or fashion to just clean your sheets it's not really just normal people could fix this yeah no so you need art on the walls and we need to we need a sample size because so far your sheets it's not really yeah just normal people could fix this yeah uh yeah no so uh

you need art on the walls and we we need to we need a sample size because so far only one couple that have lived in the same house as this painting have broken up so we need we need to we need to test it we need to test it so it goes up on your wall i can't give my wife any more excuses but if you can survive this A, you know your relationship can survive anything. And B, I can just like, you know, I'm free of the burden. I can just resell the painting without worrying what's going to happen to the person who owns it. Yeah, you can't probably in good faith resell this painting. This is like a Goosebumps book.

Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, this is like a Paul Jennings story. We have no choice in the ending. The painting decides. I don't think our relationship can take it. Sustained. I think mine could. Yours could? I think so.

Alright. No, I'm not saying... I've cursed it. Alright, guys. I'm not touching it. It's too scary. It is actually freaky. I don't like the idea of it. I'm going to do the next thing I do is it's going to be a print that says, you will break up if you look at this.

Can I say, what is it of, though? I'm trying to remember what one it would have been. Self-portrait. Zombie's face. Full body self-portrait. I can't remember which one it is. I did like six different screen prints For that exhibition

So it's just like One of my little One of my little fellas One of my little cartoon fellas Just a little boy Gagging around Just having a gag Even spookier

Like it's not a scary picture or anything It's just this little cartoon thing It might be Little fucking cunt Yeah It might be the one If it's like a little guy It's a little snake tail

And he's behind like a booth And it says Bad advice five dollars And he's like a real evil looking motherfucker No And he's behind like a booth and it says bad advice $5 and he's like a real evil looking motherfucker and he's got hands with wads of teeth. No. No. Is that real?

Is that the one? That is bad. Is that the one? It might be, yeah. Because I know someone who owns that and What?

is very recently single. No. That's true. Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding And I know who you're talking about Yes, I'm not kidding Hang on

Yeah, I know who you're talking about Oh my god And it really surprised me Do I know them? Oh my god You do, you do know them Hang on, I'm just going to ask It's not our place to announce

What? Yes If we can stay on the line for a minute or two I'm just going to ask the girls which exclusive print it is No, I like it more if I just know it's that. Are you kidding? Yes. Dathelo, you fucking psychopath.

You created this little monster. You did this. Well, look, we have listeners that came to that exhibition and bought that print. Like I said, it was very popular. It sold out. And then I've sold them online as well. So there's like 50 of these out there.

Let us know if you're a listener that bought my bad advice print and that was in 2019 if you've split up since then oh my god oh my god this i actually let us know how many times you've split up since then and if it's always been in a house that's had the print if you're in a long-term relationship now and it's going great, but the print still happens to be in storage. Let us know if you're in a long-term relationship and you don't have that print because that will prove it. I'd love it if it's in the bedroom and you've had one-night stands and then they just keep ghosting you.

They've woken up in the morning, seen it. Let us know if you've given that as a present to your mum and dad and now they're broken. I've just messaged Toilet Girl and it's like I had a stream of messages from her. She's single and now she has to be called Toilet Girl. She lives with Toilet Girl. Part of the curse is you have to live with Toilet Girl.

I just opened up to message her and it's like her just messaged me about a whole bunch of fucked stuff that's happened in her office today and me going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, can I ask which print was it? Which print was it that got me? Which print was it that made your boyfriend get his dick sucked that time?

Cool. I need it for my comedy podcast. I've actually got like, I'm very scared. Like I've got, if this turns out to be true, then it's like, this is actually like freaky. You need to do a callback, you know, like a product callback and get them. Oh yeah, a recall. Yeah, an article in the paper. Yeah, yeah, a recall. Like a recall. An article in the paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you bought this. Can you get this out on the project for us? Hey, guys. This is way worse than Listeria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to get it back now. This is like forget the faulty airbags. Yeah.

Yeah, get it off your wall. You thought the razors in the strawberries was bad. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, thanks for joining us, Taunton, Wardy, Sam Taunton, The Project, every night. Please watch. Channel 10, 10 Play.

Special's on 10 Play. It's on Paramount very soon. Great. Beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And last time I was on here, I talked about buying the train song so you can see how little of it they used in the special. Do that.

Great, great. Wardy, what have you got? The project. The project. Pop into the project office. Keep an ear out. When squint at the screen when the credits race by down the bottom. No credits.

No credits. No, I'm on Happy Bean again soon, so you can check me out there. Cool. Have your pains. You got pods or you got specials or anything? I'm not doing my pod anymore. That's just phased out. No, I don't think...

This will probably come out after my next solo show. So don't worry. I had a great time in Bendigo. Don't worry about it. This will come out after your next... I'm doing one on Saturday. I'm doing an hour in Bendigo. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You missed that. Sorry, you missed it and it was awesome. But keep an eye out. Follow Wardy on the socials. Yeah, follow me. You've always got gigs going on and stuff like that. I'm doing heaps of gigs in Melbourne. She's popping up. You'll have a new show

next year. I don't. Okay. Then don't do that. Yeah, yeah. You are, you're in your office writing your material. You've got my bad advice screen print looking down at you and you're like, you know what, maybe I will do a show. Pencil it in. I've broken up. I've broken up with the comedy pencil.

Pencil it in for 2025 because it's going to be a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, definitely. If a single person has this print, I would like to also know if their life has gone to shit. Yeah, great. Not just your relationship, like the wheels have fallen off. Please, anyone who's bought,

you've got to send proof of the receipt of buying the Bad Advice screen print and then tell us everything that's gone bad in your life since 2019. Just let us know. Since 2019. Has anything happened? If anything bad has happened to you. Maybe singles have a great life. Well, Tommy, it's bigger than we thought.

Did you ship any of these prints to China? If you bought my print at the Wuhan Art Gallery in 2019 and your life's been a bit bad since then. You popped up for a snack just after you bought the print. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates.

And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie's popped off a big one. Bernie's dropped a big one. Yeah, sorry to everyone. There should have been... I tried to squeeze a little warning in there, but there's a lot of... Some people have delicate stomachs and ears and things like that. A shitter warning.

Yeah. I mean, if you thought what we usually talk about is low grade, well, we've done it again. Yeah. But hey, it's part of life. Yes. It's the one truly relatable thing. Yes. We all do it multiple times a day.

Should I take a phone call on air? No. Okay. But it's... No. But look who it is. You're at work. Oh, okay.

That's right. All right. No phones in the office. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Yeah. I forgot.

We're in your house. I should have put in the velvet bag on the way out. You don't like me to hear any of your content and go out and say, you know what, Tommy's been cooking up. Yeah. Imagine some kid like working the register at Macca's and they're just serving you and they pull their phone out and you just turn around to the manager.

Should I take this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, but it's an unknown number though. Hey, it's grimace. Yeah. I have to take this as a work-related call. It might be a job offer for somewhere better. I should take this.

I might be being headhunted by Red Rooster. That would be good. Do you reckon that ever happens? Someone from KFC walks into McDonald's, likes the cut of someone's jib behind the counter and goes, I reckon I could offer you another $2 an hour over the road. What do you reckon? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what. You don't have to deal with any of this beef bullshit. None of this fucking dark meat stuff. Come over here. Come over the road. I think I mentioned it last week i'm up to the last episode of the beckham documentary and i've just watched the one last night i've got to start watching this with my wife i've got to it's good i keep forgetting to text her to go she's she is a demon for going through entire fucking anything they put out she'll

yeah she'll tune in yep and i've got to nip it in the bud before she drains that whole series because it's a rare chance we can watch stuff together. I've just watched the bit where in Ep 3 it's all the stuff about him going to Real Madrid and they play against Real Madrid and then like – Real Madrid, whatever. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Hey, mate, it's your favourite show, not mine.

Who gives a fuck? It's your favourite show. You mine. Who gives a fuck? It's your favourite show. You know what the funny thing is? It's directed by an American guy who is on Succession. He's an actor from Succession. What's his name? No, Fisher Stevens. Oh.

Is that the guy from, I mean, this shows my age, but that's the guy from Short Circuit. Sure. Yeah, the little robot. Yes. It's him. But it's so funny because it's like, you know, the Beckhams are so like this totem of British culture.

Yeah. And it's so funny to have this documentary made by an American guy. Well, made by a robot. Yeah. There's a bit where he's talking to Beckham and he's like, so have you always felt this way about soccer? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean football. And it's like it just kind of sticks out as like, yeah,

why were you the one to make this? You can't even get the terminology correct. Like he's done a great – it's fucking beautifully shot and made, but then it's like he's just left this bit in where it's like, are you making this because you've you've always loved beckham or have you just been given an info sheet like as you've walked in the door is it now i want to i've got to look him up but fisher stevens is the guy yeah he is the guy yeah so he used to be an actor yes short circuit uh used to be

well whatever i haven't heard of him since then yes to be well whatever i haven't heard of him since then yes i remember this so i haven't heard of him i never watched succession i don't know anything about it um so my one connection in my head with fisher stevens is he was in short circuit and he i remember he punched up insanely relationship wise and i just had to look it up who it was and yes he was was married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh, right. I didn't know that. Fucking hell.

He's a strange-looking guy. Yes, and she's one of the great beauties of Hollywood, in my humble opinion. So he's got such a distinct voice, and he's in like ep one every now and then you can kind of like hear him off camera like asking a question or whatever, and I was like, Oh, that sounds exactly like Hugo from succession. I'm not going to Google this because of course it's not him.

Why would it be him directing this doco about David Beckham? Yes. I just a weird guy that sounds alike. And then I saw online, Hey, this is a crazy factoid. It's been directed by Hugo from succession. Like that's truly bizarre. Five foot seven.

Anyway. Also he played on short circuit um he played a man which you know these days would uh not fly so well uh indian man oh really yeah interesting with a very uh very went very heavy on the accent yeah yeah well anyway so uh that bit where they play madrid had this great game and then i forget who it is like one of the players comes up to beckham at the end of the game and he's like i'll see you in madrid oh yeah and that's the like beckham talks about like that was just like an awesome moment like that felt so good that was a galactico moment tommy yeah when

when rao were collecting all the superstars of the world. Ronaldo, as in the original, Ronaldo, Louis Figo, Roberto Carlos, and so on. But just Beckham talking about that awesome moment of that being the beginning of him being basically headhunted by them. So to bring it back to what we were talking about, I love that. You're at Macca's. Yes. You've just been handed your meal and you lean into the 15-year-old and you're like, I'll see you at Hungry Jack's.

Yeah. You swap shirts with them at the back of the Macca's. You're about to join the Galactico team of cunts on $15 an hour. I'm trying to put together the best hungry jacks that money can buy. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I've already got the fry cook from Ollie's Trollies.

Yep. And now you're the guy. You're the drive-thru. Yep. Dream team member. I've never been handed chips through a window like this before. Yeah, yeah. I can see that you're the guy.

Yeah. This is great. Yep. I have to get on to that. I have to get on to that. I have to get on to that. But yes, sorry to everyone that has delicate stomachs that didn't enjoy as much of that rot that we just shoved out to you. But yeah, it was fun.

And we got there in the end with the haunted painting or whatever the fuck that was. Yep. There's something for everyone. Yeah. Let's – yeah, look, we've got live shows. Like we said at the top, Perth, get on to it, Perth. Perth is a little bit slower than usual.

Yep. I don't know. We've got four weeks out or something like that. Maybe less. Less. Maybe. I don't know. Less.

Four. Less. Three. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, get on to it. Time marches on Two or three

We'd love to do that We'd love to get all of you I don't know I mean Look Did a lot of you See Andrew Wolfe last time And go

Life show's not for me anymore Yeah maybe Is that what's happened Could be it Maybe we've been bagging Perth too much It's Adelaide syndrome Oh yeah

Where they're like This is how you're gonna be No we've only bagged Perth comedy Never Perth Yeah never the city Love Perth Love much It's Adelaide Syndrome Oh yeah Where they're like This is how you're gonna be No we've only bagged Perth comedy Never Perth Yeah never the city Love Perth Love the city

Yeah totally Yeah get on that November the 4th My solo show The night before November the 3rd At Oasis Comedy Club Please come and check that out

And then Melbourne Saturday In the afternoon November 25 Basement Comedy Club Cracking guests Confir confirmed for both shows coming. Yeah. Some real, you know, not your garden variety bullshit. Yep.

Some real big guns. Yeah. Yep. And my special taping, November the 30th in Melbourne. If you're around, please come to that. And because I need to fucking practice it, I'm going up to Sydney for one night, November the 23rd, Thursday at the Lord Gladstone Hotel.

Come and check that out. And hey, speaking of live performances, some old business from two weeks ago that I have to follow up on. The competition that we both entered to win tickets to Harvest, VIP tickets to Harvest Rock Festival in Adelaide to see Jamiroquai's only Australian performance. Yes. And flights and a comm included. This is me needing to transplant my mother's birthday weekend.

Yes. You won. Did not win. Oh. Did not win. But so by bizarre coincidence, the night after the contest was drawn, a friend of mine was in town and he was going to see Weezer and he got me a free ticket to Weezer through his colleague

that works for Double J who were putting on the contest. And I know this guy a little bit. I've met him a couple of times. And we all met up for dinner beforehand. And this guy walks into the restaurant and goes, enter any contests lately? I was like, ah, fuck, you got me. And I was like, I asked him what the winning entrant was.

Yes. Oh, you know. Yeah. It's going to piss you off. Winning question was for Santa Gold. Do you know Santa Gold? Absolutely not. With the closing song of Spiritual's Fall First somewhat returning to your punk roots,

what would convince you to create a full punk album now? Doesn't that? No. Isn't that a drag? Now we need to know who decided this and egg them. This guy has given me a free ticket to a concert. He's then given me this intel when I've pushed him and now my next thing. So give me the name and address of the person in your office who decided this.

Jesus Christ. That sucks. I mean, it's frustrating, isn't it? Because your brain goes to like, oh, you know, you think like what would you like to ask them? And it's like, well, what genuinely would I like to ask this artist? And it is something nerdy like that. But then you think like we were saying, you've got to have a story.

There's got to be – you've got to think beyond that. You've got to have like – you're thinking about being called up on the radio and them telling you you've won and having something kind of funny and interesting to say. Yes, it's supposed to be entertaining for everyone. I can imagine. I don't know anything about that band. I've never heard of them.

I'm putting myself into even being a fan of that band. That question wouldn't even be interesting for fans of that band. You know what? You don't have to imagine. You're sitting in a room with someone who fills that criteria. Oh, really? I love Santa Gold. Right.

It's part of the reason I want to go to this festival. Right. I'm a fan. And that's a bad question? I don't know what this person's on about. I couldn't give less of a fuck. I'd rather, I truly would have rather it go to someone who was like, I'd ask you, Miracoy, what's your favorite hat?

Yes. Beck, how big's your dick? Yeah. Beck, what was it like being in Scientology? Yes. That's good. I mean, that's actually good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That actually is good. I would love, well, it's a bad question because you know you're not going to get a good answer. Yeah, he's going to walk away from it. Now, that's a good competition. You pose the question and we definitely have to ask it. And they definitely have to answer it. That would be a different competition. For sure.

If you could ask a question that they definitely have to answer, then yes. Ask Beck. That's a great question. Spill the beans about Scientology. Tell us about Scientology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Admit that you love it and that you kiss it, and what's so good about it?

Well, I've read interviews with him where it's come up and he's very like, he's very. He won't cop to it. He won't cop to it because he's split from his wife who he was in the church with, and so he kind of just pins it all on her. It's like, oh, it was kind of her thing. I walked past her one time.

That's not how they operate. You had some of them in your band as well. Your dad was one of them or something as well. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, but it's also the church just doesn't allow. You and everyone in your orbit are in or it's not like in this house, I play video games, my partner not so much.

It's like, no. The whole household is playing Mario. Yes. No, totally. It's not a casual, it's not a sometimes food. Yeah. Yeah. No.

But also, hey, can you blame him? Blame him for what? Well, that being the party line. Yeah, well. Because he clearly, he's like, he's left the relationship and he's left the church. Yes. So, yeah, he can't just be like, yeah, I was in it and now I'm, you know, it's like, well, that's God. That's kind of the only digestible thing for people who aren't in the church.

And as soon as you get out and you say anything about them, then they come for you. Right, yeah. Yeah. Just like, oh, yeah, no, I've left. They'll be turning up to his concerts, and when he does Loser, they'll go, yes, hard agree. Yeah, play it again.

You are one. Play it again. You are a loser. A Scientologist entering this double J competition. I'd ask Beck, why are you such a loser? Why don't you kill yourself? Here's my question. So, yeah, a disappointing end to that.

Thank you. I've opened the floodgates now. It's rigged. Thanks to people just DMing me just any competition that they're seeing about Harvest Rock. But the whole point of this was that it was the four VIP tickets and flights and a comm. People are just sending me ones being like, enter this,

and it's like, enter to win a free can of Coke when you turn up at Harvest Rock. It's like, thank you, but that's not going to cut it with my mum. Yes. Who knew that a podcast where this week we talk about farts for 45 minutes would be listened to by people that aren't quite all switched on. But thanks for listening. Thanks for listening and thanks for subscribing if that's something you do.

If you're not that switched on and you're not very good with your money, have we got a place for you. It's called patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You get two bonus mini episodes every week, often featuring the guests that you've enjoyed on the episode. And this week's one is no different. Yes. We just did a couple of crackers with these guys. Yeah, two great ones. And yeah, you also go into the draw to have your name read out on an episode.

Oh, boy. Let's do it. Through a system that's more fair than this judging of this double G competition. Absolutely. Oh, this is way more fair. Man, there's so much... Sometimes the way I do things is so fair, it makes me mad,

considering everyone else is doing unfair things like that. Let's do it. Thanks to everyone, but in particular this week, let's do some names. Not too many. I had some Valium last night and it really has just stuck with me all day today.

Okay. I don't know. I don't know why. I have been trying to reboot myself. I can't quite do it. What do you mean? Well, sometimes if I have a big weekend, I'll take a Valium on the Sunday night and go, all right, I'm getting rid of all that hangover for the weekend

and the lack of sleep. And I'll wake up fresh as a daisy Monday morning. Right. And I just haven't lost it all week. Been tired all week. And took a Valium last night. I'm going to do the hard reboot on the Thursday night. And it did not work.

This sounds like a drug addict who's built up a tolerance. No, no, no. Because I'm not that bad with it. I'm really quite... Like someone made fun of me on socials the other day. Like, you know, I said I rebooted myself with like a quarter of a Valium. They're like, you fucking pussy. I eat them like M&Ms.

I'm like, sorry for not being a junkie. So I'm like, i do wean myself i'm like very uh uh very liberal with the dosage and occasional but last i went let's fucking reboot and it did not work yeah okay i'm just still fucked so anyway anyway whatever uh let's do it i'm so i'm so fucked after i said let's do it i'm like like, I'm about to say, my name is... It's like, no, that's not what I do. I don't read out my name. I read out other people's names.

Why don't you introduce them that way this time? Just for something different. Okay. This week. All right. My name is Jeremy Woodman. Hello, Jeremy. Hey, thanks for having me.

Hey, Woodman. Thanks for having me. Is this what I do? I impersonate the listeners this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, all right. You're doing a little character. That's what I'm doing. All right, great, great. What I'm known for the most. Is this what I do? I impersonate the listeners this week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, all right. You're doing a little character. That's what I'm doing.

All right, great, great. What I'm known for the most, character comedy. Hey, everyone. Hey, and Tommy. My name is Jeremy Woodman. I love to subscribe to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Very proud to be part of it this week. This is show and tell.

Yeah. A little kid. Over the weekend, I subscribed. My parents gave me pocket money, and I used it to subscribe to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Imagine that. Christmas is coming up.

You know when you get a gift voucher the next day. It's like, what a great present. But it's Boxing Day. It's Christmas Day. No shops are open. All you've got is a piece of paper that means fucking nothing. You can't run around on your hands and knees and pretend it's a car or anything it's a slip of paper it's actually on the day a terrible birthday christmas present yeah but here's one up you can you can have a patreon subscription to our podcast

as a child yeah what a fucking ripping present that would be well i mean you get on there and immediately you get the whole back catalog you get hours and hours and hours of audio so that's pretty good. Imagine a fucking eight-year-old child sitting under the Christmas tree with the headphones in, listening to bonus episodes of us talking to Greg Larson. I don't mind it. On their new iPhone that they also got given. Well, see that.

It comes loaded with the Patreon. Oh, you too, Sol. Speaking of you doing a bit of character work just then, this reminded me of another bit from the Beckham doco. Quick little clip of Ali G interviewing Posh and Becks. Oh, great. Fucking awesome. Great.

It's like talking to Posh and he's like, and your little boy, is he like talking yet? Is he forming sentences? She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he's really good. He's starting to put words together. Great. And what about Brooklyn?

Yeah. The fucking king. There we go. There we go. Undeniably fucking great. I was messaging Noxy because he's been watching it at the same time and I was like, I just got up to that Ali G clip you told me about. Fuck, it's good.

And he goes, yeah, I got on YouTube and watched the whole interview after that. And it ends with Ali G going, can I bone your missus? Yes. Great. Masterful shit. Great. Yeah. What a time to be alive.

Yeah. Do they cover the – look, I genuinely don't know what the answer is here. Do they cover in the documentary – what's it like a three, four, five parter? Four parter. Watched Ep 3 last night. It ends with him. He's playing for Madrid. It's going good.

And they're teasing the like scandal of him having the rumor of him having had an affair. Right. That's like the last kind of cliffhanger thing of Ep 3. We're way past what I need to be asking about do they cover i feel like they will and this is a weird question to ask if they don't but do they cover the fact that a way that the opposition supporters always used to chant posh yes and the way they bring that up is great so it's like they're both so the chant is yeah yeah so posh and beck's are both interviewed right in it but not not really ever together like sometimes there's bits where david's

walking around the house and beck posh you'll hear like in the background or whatever yeah but they're like two camera stuff is separate and david's like yeah you know i'd come out and these these people had this chant about my wife and it was just, I don't even want to repeat it. It was just disgusting. And then they cut to Posh and she's like, and they were chanting about me and sorry, this isn't very ladylike. Posh Spice takes it up the ass.

But it's also like she's sitting there kind of like man. She's on the couch just kind of like man spreading, just like legs spread. And she repeats it like three or four times and it's like oh yeah that's right you are posh spice was like a a manufactured that you know you are so far beyond like that character like being who you really are right like just pardon me but posh spice takes it up the ass yeah yeah fucking hell it's so good it's such a it's such a great like like human weird way of processing like he's this guy great player good looking guy going out with

this beautiful like model whatever and then they go what do we do with this? I don't know. She takes it up the ass. Yeah, imagine that. That'll be something. Got him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and also this is post like him in the World Cup

and he gets red carded. Yeah, he becomes a bit of a. And so everyone hates him. So it's kind of tied into that as well. It's like, how can we get back at this guy for ruining our chances in the World Cup yeah i know yeah we'll we'll yell about how him and his wife have anal sex yeah yeah how he how him and his hot wife have anal sex must be nice um well me jeremy woodman i mean that's that i have anal sex all the time because that's why my name is The Woodman The Woodman

I'm The Woodman The Woodsman That is I mean apart from Jeremy that would make a good porn name Jeremy Woodman I'd be shocked if there wasn't a

a male porn star with the last name Woodman Yeah yeah yeah There's a lot of those ones where it's like Randy Spears What about Rod Woodman

Rod Woodman Yeah there's a bunch of Rods. What about Rod Woodman? Rod Woodman. Yeah, there's a bunch of Rods in there already. Rod Woodman. Rod Woodman. Peen Woodman. Yeah. Yeah. Suck me, Woodman.

Yes. Come in a hole, Woodman. Yeah. Yes. Well, thanks, Jeremy, and nice to meet you. You're welcome. Thanks for having me. I love the show.

All right, now just leave the room. Anyway, the next person can come in. Next person come in and just pick up the mic. It's right there. Thank you. Okay, bye. Thanks for having me, Tommy. Bye.

Okay. Anyway, next. I wish the door clicked so we'd have more of a fucking soundbite. Next subscriber. Next subscriber come in. All right. Fuck, there's no real noise for a door to open. Yeah, it's fine.

Creak, creak. Hey there, Tommy. Oh, hi. What's your name? Oh, my name. My name is, wait a minute. My name is Patreon subscriber Jimmy Thompson. Jimmy Thompson.

That's me. Nice to meet you. Just if we continue this bit, Jimmy Thompson, just so you know, this is audio only. Yes. You don't have to actually get up and do the act out at the end physically. All right. I appreciate it.

I appreciate it. I really thought we'd get something on mic. Your door's shit. I know. It doesn't close. It doesn't creak. It doesn't have a click or anything like that. It's an old house where they've painted over the latch so it doesn't have like a close doesn't creak it doesn't have a click or anything like that old house where they've like painted over the latch so it doesn't go into the it doesn't go

into the thing it would be extremely convenient for everything except for what i want right now yeah well it's not really why well you have a door you want it to be able to close yeah but i mean i'm always thinking about doors when i'm getting home at night and making noise and stuff like this. This seems like it doesn't make any noise. It doesn't make any noise. Yeah. But I don't know.

I've never needed to be too quiet in here. Why do you need to? Well, why do you need the door closed? What are you doing? Sometimes the dog coming in is a bit of a pain in the ass. Sometimes we, there's been like, there was a couple of occasions, not so much anymore, but we would babysit my girlfriend's nephew and I'd be doing something on Zoom when he would be around. So it would be like I just need him to not be able to come in here.

Yes. But yeah. Well, me, Jimmy Thompson, I'm just glad that I'm here in the spare room of my hero. Yeah. Did you see Jeremy did you see jeremy on the way out uh i did see a guy like with a raging yeah boner yeah and did he fuck you in the ass no no no no no really he didn't do that oh wow i mean it's really weird it is weird because i did walk in and

say i i say my name is posh spice yeah and he was my name is jimmy and i take it up the thompson yeah i take it up the jim I take it up the Jimmy. Now, pardon me if this is too much of a personal question. Nothing's too personal coming from you, Tommy. Are you one of the detectives from Tintin? I don't believe so. I don't know. Am I?

No? Yes? I don't know. Well, I don't know. The twins, Thompson and Thompson. I didn't read Tintin. You didn't read? Well, no, but I'm not asking if? I don't know. Well, I don't know. The twins, Thompson and Thompson. I didn't read Tintin. You didn't read... Well, no, but I'm not asking if you read Tintin.

No, no, no. I'm asking if you're one of those characters. You're looking at me like I should know, but I don't. No, I'm not one of those people. You're not one of those people. No, I'm not one of those people. That's all I wanted to know. Right, okay.

No judgment either way. Right, great. It's 2023. Well, I'm glad. It's 2023. I'm glad. You have the freedom to not be one of the twins detectives from tintin i don't want to offend anyone no but i am not a fictional cartoon

detective okay all right yeah okay yeah i feel like i'm great well okay to say that maybe one of our other um patreon subscribers will be the great mouse detective uh maybe i wouldn't hold my hopes up too much so uh no, I'm simple Jimmy Thompson. I'm just love to listen to podcasts. Yep. And do you ever whack off to them? To, it'd have to be a really sexy podcast.

I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine whacking off to just audio. You know, what is pretty sexy at the moment that I've heard on a couple of other pods. Do you know who, I know you don't watch, you didn't watch've heard on a couple of other pods? What? Do you know who, I know you didn't watch Succession, but do you know who Brian Cox is? The main guy, like the dad from that? The old guy?

All I know is that I've seen him pop up and they go, that's the guy from Succession. But you know what his voice sounds like? He's got this very distinguished older voice. So he does ads for Maccas now. Oh, really? And it's almost like he's trying to make you calm by describing what's in the Big Mac. It's sort of, and it's, I got to be honest, it's gotten me going a couple of times. Yeah.

Have you, what do you think a sexy voice is? Do you think it's a... In a man? No, in a woman. In a woman. Interesting. Do you think, like when there's, because there's some people where it's like Like a Kathleen Turner where it's been a bit more husky but it's like I like a husky

Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, right I remember a bunch of me and some friends meeting this girl when we were like 20 And she was like super husky Right And they were all like, she's really good looking but like just that voice Didn't like it And meanwhile I'm going like like well i got a fucking clear shot here this is

right because i'm like that's my favorite bit right that's good that's good when there's that when there's a bit of that like someone's like oh yeah there's a gap in the middle of their teeth and it's like yuck and then you're like no that's that's my thing that's my thing i like yeah yeah yeah what's your thing what's my thing have you got a thing have you got one of those i think your voice would be one of them yeah i've always been i've always liked a fat ass tiny pussies no uh weird nose or bigger nose or weird nose okay i've always nose or weirder nose.

Okay. I've always liked a weirder nose for some reason. Bit of distinction in the schnoz. Yeah, okay. I remember being like 22 and my friend saying to me about this girl that we knew, he's like, I'm just kind of into girls that look a bit like guys. Oh, yeah. And being like, and really feeling like I just like.

I should take him to Thailand. Feeling like I was like, this is like a real sort of like sign that I've become an adult that I feel no need to make fun of my, you know, if someone said that when you were 15, game over. I get it. But I remember just feeling like, yeah, right on, man. I can understand that. Cool.

I can understand sort of what you're talking about. I don't have to make up a nickname about this guy. I can just sort of relate to him. Yeah, the fact that it was in relation to someone that I had met, so I kind of knew, you know, like I had a visual reference for what he was talking about. I was like, yeah, I get it. They're attractive in a way that I couldn't quite put my finger on,

but I guess that is sort of it. And just really feeling like, yeah, I'm an adult now. I guess all that kind of filth is behind me. did i know you give it a couple of years yeah you sort of feel good about yourself and then you start up a podcast screaming back into your life at full volume yeah do you do you think that was that there was a point i remember there was a point where you there'd be sort of kids in the class or whatever they'd be like no i've decided i'm actually mature yeah i've actually grown up. Like over the last two weeks of holidays,

I've actually decided I've grown up. And then, I don't know, an hour later, they're sticking their dick through a hole in a cup of the Herald Sun. Oh no, that only lasted until recess. I remember being like 13 or something and my dad asking if I could just go down to the milk bar and get a carton of milk and feeling like I'm a man now. This is it.

I'm the one providing for the family. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going and getting the milk. I'm going on a little solo journey. I'm responsible for getting my own milk for my own Cocoa Pops. Yeah. So I'm the man of the family. Yeah, it was like they were both – my parents were both – they're like, I could just go down.

And it was like the first time I'd been called on to just like do something completely solo right in service of the household yeah and really in my head like it felt like this huge moment of like this is it when i walk back through that door everything's changed right i'm not a little boy anymore i'm a big boy yeah i'm a big adult boy i'm able to smoke a carton of milk now. Exactly. Yeah. My dad had caught me with a milk and he's like, drink it all. Drink a carton. Drink it all if you like it so much. Drink a carton of Big M's if you think you're so big. Well, that's me, Jimmy Thompson.

Well, thanks, Jimmy. Yeah. Hey, we got to, I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to leave because I've got to keep getting through these. Oh. Yeah, the day's getting on and yeah, Carl's been able to leave already. I wish I had met him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a shame. It's great to meet you, but, you know, just a shame. He just died of a Valium overdose right before you got here, unfortunately. Yeah, well, it's, you know, it's a shame, but. Well, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Jimmy. Oh, but... Well, yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Jimmy. Oh, that must be someone else. Well, that character comedy has fooled your dog at least.

I think he can hear the next person who's coming in, which is me. It's me, Ben Grant. Oh, hi, Ben Grant. Hey, Tommy, is it? Yeah. Sorry, I don't listen to the podcast that much. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, you just subscribe. Sorry, I don't listen to the podcast that much. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's okay.

Yeah, you just subscribe. You sort of forgot about it. It comes out of your account every month. You're like, I've got to delete that. God damn. I was just scrolling. I just went through like a, you know, like just a deep, deep, you know, dig through the internet and just found this random Patreon account and thought, oh, why not?

You only live once. Why don't I subscribe to a thing I've barely heard of? account and thought, oh, why not? You only live once. Why don't I subscribe to a thing I've barely heard of? My dog was just like those people who thought Spinal Tap was a real doco when it came out. Yes. Completely fooled by the character comedy.

Yes. The convincing acting. Yeah. Great work. Well, that's me, Ben Grant. Ben Grant. Which, you know, I am sort of giving a grant to you guys. Yeah, you are.

Every month we apply for a very small grant from you and we get it. Yeah, we're on the Ben grant. Yep. Yeah. We apply by like kind of putting out the episodes and, you know, promoting on socials that we've got the bonus episodes out there. That's basically us like getting all our collateral together to apply for our Ben grant every month.

And then you go approved, have $10. Yes, it's a real arts grant. It's because we're providing such artistic merit, diversity, whatever you want, we got it here. Doing a lot of good for the community. Keeping kids off the streets, mainly us off the streets because now we can pay rent. Keeping us off the streets, mainly us off the streets because now we can pay rent. Yep. Keeping us off the streets by forcing us to record an extra couple of hours of content every week.

Yes, yes. In a house. Yes, under a roof. Yep. Although you know what I'd like to hear? A homeless podcast. That would be good. There's one in America called Podcast But Outside.

Oh, I've heard of that. And they just have like a little desk set up and sometimes they'll have guests. No, I don't want to hear that. But a lot of the time it's like them interviewing people. I don't want to hear that. Randoms come and pass. Oh, I don't want to hear that. Apparently it's good.

I've never listened, but people seem to really like it. You want a true homeless person who's someone with like a, you know, they'll have the sign being like, I just need a room for the night. Yes. And they're like, I just need money for the Zoom H6. Yes. It's about 400 bucks on Amazon. Absolutely. Then I need a room for the night. They're like, I just need money for the Zoom H6. Yes. It's about $400 on Amazon. Absolutely.

Then I need a good quality Shure mic. They're about $150. Then I need a cable. They're like $60. Yes. So I'm looking for somewhere in the area of $600. That's if it's just me without guests. I'm going to need an extra mic and cord if I'm to have other people on.

Absolutely. SD card. Yep. Yep. I can probably get into the library and use the computers to edit it and upload it. Yes. So that part is fine, but yeah. You know who this person is, but years ago there was a bit of a fuck-up comedian in our community

who then got the great idea of going, looked at the homeless people asking like with cards asking for money and gone fucking these guys have had it easy for too long then moved in on that went you know it'd be funny if i just pretended to be homeless had a sign i went i just need money for drugs yeah that did that for a couple of days and was like literally getting on socials and going this is how easy it is check this out i just pretended to be homeless and i got all this money how crazy is this within a week oh no you're just actually homeless now he was yeah yeah yeah but i remember that he became kind of a meme you would see him pop up on stuff online of like oh look at this yeah a guy just you know he's just being honest

about it isn't that cool yeah but he was, no, but I'm not actually homeless. I was like, no, no, no, you did it for a couple of days. No, this is actually me now. Yeah. Then was like, oh, then clearly did that thing of going, well, if I'm getting all this money on the streets, why should I be paying rent in a house? Yeah. Well, I just won't do that anymore.

Yeah. And then we're like, no, no, you're fully in the homeless lifestyle now where you're actually getting beaten up. Yeah fucking yeah and but like yeah you're saying you're not homeless and yet the last thing that you posted on facebook was a long story about getting sucked off in a coles car yes yes not not a flight of fancy i've just gone on an actual thing that actual thing that happened yes and then it's like oh now now i got beat up for my money in a halfway house yep uh oh no okay well this was funny for three days when i thought i was getting free money now and i saw him the other day and i was like oh you look like you you look about fucking 70 i was about to say

as you i haven't thought of this guy in a while and i haven't seen him active on anything i found a doco about him really yeah? Yeah. A doco? Well, someone filmed him for a day. Okay. If we can call that a doco. Yeah, okay. It wasn't a super structured anything. It was like a 10-minute clip.

Sounds pretty gonzo. But it was to the point where I was like, I don't think I would recognize him if I saw him now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a reason people invented houses. Mm-hmm. To keep out of the fucking elements. Yeah. You look a little bit better

It's pretty cold today No one's It was raining yesterday Yeah Imagine being in that That'd suck Yeah I'm really glad I was

When it started raining I was on the couch And I was like Man I'm really glad I'm inside right now Yeah yeah yeah It felt really good Yeah yeah yeah I don't

I was warm I don't appreciate it enough I was eating a warm meal. I was like, yeah, this is how it's meant to be. Look, I didn't get any free money for drugs, but I was appreciating the shelter. I was sitting inside eating a warm meal while it was raining, and I thought if I had have invented this, what I'm doing right now,

I would be a genius. I mean, we should pay someone a percentage just for the patent of houses. I mean, we kind of – I mean, we essentially do. Well, it's like going to – The inventor of the house. Gary House. Yeah. The descendant of Mr. House.

Rodney Real Estate. Yeah. Well, hey, thanks, Ben Grant. Oh, yeah. My pleasure. I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks when we have to bring in our proposal for next month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hand deliver it to you and, yeah.

I should really, you know, I should get on to listening to the pod in between now and then. Well, we should start asking for a bit more money because it's a lot of effort to be going to for just 10 months having to do a whole proposal every month. Well, look, you know what? Pump out a few good ones in the next couple of weeks and I'll have a listen to them. And if I like them, who knows? Yeah. There could be a few more shekels in there for you. Yeah.

At the moment, fuck knows what you do. It's not really our style, honestly. Okay, all right. Well, thanks, Ben. Okay, bye. See you, Ben. Hello? Is that you, Tommy?

Yeah, hi. Come on in. Take a seat. It's me, Simon Lovett Simon Lovett That's me Now, did you run into Woodman on the way in? Yes, and yeah, my name was just Simon then

Oh yeah, sure He converted me to Lovett Sure, you were like, he didn't have a surname Now you're like, well, it's the first thing that has really inspired me. After what he did to me, I love it. I love it. Yeah. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Yeah. Yeah. It's me. SL. Simon Lovett. Imagine saying that right before you come. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm loving it.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember we had Kyle Legacy He's been on twice On our podcast And the first time he was on He was talking about

Having sex in a Nando's Seems crazy to not remember that Yeah but maybe You didn't understand what he said Yeah that may have been A big part of it too Yeah He had sex in a Nando's

Right That would That's gotta be a highlight part of it too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had sex in a Nando's. Right. That would, that's got to be a highlight. I got to listen to this pod sometime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sound like me. That sounds funny. Yeah, yeah.

I would, I mean, I guess that's the place you would do it out of all the fast food places. Oh, that's a great question. Yeah. Are we going like, would you, is Nando like, the most boutique one that we're going for? I think so. I think that's the nicest place. Grilled? Is Grilled on there? Oh, yeah, I guess so.

There's a lot of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. I guess the only thing is with Nando's, though, it's a little bit exotic. It feels like you're treating your date. Your soundtrack. Your soundtrack while you're in the dunnies getting it away. Yeah.

That cool salsa music that they're playing. That's good to bone to. Grilled's always just like Imagine Dragons and stuff. Is it? Blast. It's very like commercial dance kind of stuff. Right. Not as good.

Yeah. Right. I guess you're right. Probably the Nando's. And then you're coming out afterwards and then putting a bottle top into the planned pregnancy charity or whatever it is. I'm putting the condom in there. Yeah, so obviously Macca's, Jacko's, they're out.

KFC. Jacko's definitely. Not hungry, Jacks. Hell on earth. Must be the worst one to do it at. Yeah. No, they're all awful. Pizza Hut, if there's any around.

Domino's really have, they're often like just the little counter. There's no room in there. Domino's is like the fucking Hungry Jacks of burgers. I'm just listing them all off to make sure we haven't missed an obvious. Have you ever looked at the back of a Domino's? They don't even try. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even when they have the counters there, you look at the back and go, I shouldn't missed like an obvious. Have you ever looked at the back of a Domino's? They don't even try. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like even when they have the counters there,

you look out the back and go, I shouldn't be eating here. They're up there with the Red Rooster as well. Yeah. McDonald's make a fucking effort. Credit to McDonald's. Man, even the backstage. Even the worst ones are all right. And they're bad because they're in like middle of the city,

high density density high volume high turnover so you kind of can forgive it but it's like you'll go to a red rooster that's like in the suburbs probably four people come in a day and it looks like fucking baghdad yes yeah yeah no totally someone's someone's been on the table and had their period on a fucking table and no one's wiped it up and they're like that was a month ago yeah yeah yeah um yeah yeah they're shockers they're out um maybe oporto's back in the day when they were like a young new upstart yes chain they might have been a bit but i feel like there's probably enough of them now where they've just like they've gone to the dogs but also not too popular where you've got a little

bit of privacy in the toilets maybe yeah true i feel like there's there's nothing more sad than a chain that you get onto early and you're a fan of it and then you you're happy for their growth but you just start to notice the quality really decline right like i i love zambreros the burrito place i lived near one that was like one of the early ones so it's like great to feel like i was on the ground floor but then there's so many of them now and i went to one in tasmania where they didn't have rice it was like one they'd run out of rice it was like one 14 year old working there there was shit all over the floor and i texted my friend who also loves zambreros and had to be like i think the dream's over i think we have to accept to accept that this is on its way to being a big chain

that's just – there's not the quality control anymore. I would love to get the job of quality control for Red Rooster. I think there's a great opportunity there. You'd be busy. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. I'd be a real game – You wouldn't be able to do this anymore.

You wouldn't have the fucking time in your way to do a podcast i know but i think i think i'd be like one of those i'd be like jimmy hoffer i'd start and all of a sudden i'd be fucking put in a bag and chucked in the river it's like no no we don't want to be fixed all of our shop owners no you're you're like fucking what's his name the founder where it's like but you're not just getting you're not getting the chain off the ground. It's like, we've been around for however many years. Yeah. But then this guy came in and like.

He wants to shake this up. Fixed it up and took it to the next level. Yeah. And you're in there and they're like, so what are your bold ideas for the menu? And you're like, none of that. None of that. All I'm saying is clean the toilets. What's this?

A broom. How's this a mop? And they're like, I don't know. I don't think it's going to work. And then all of a sudden, Red Rooster starts outselling even McDonald's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Becomes the most popular food item in the country. Yes.

Yes. It's like. It finally takes off overseas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. It just really wouldn't take much. And it's like, it couldn't be me coming up with the, it couldn't be me now being the first person to go,

how about you just get your shit together, Red Rooster? Yeah. Surely someone's had that idea before. Yeah. But to the outside looking in, it sure doesn't look like it. No. It looks like they've gone, janitors, no. Fucking, you know, people behind the counter without attitude?

Yep. No. Yep. Remember we went to the Red Rooster when that guy paid to have our cars cleaned? Yes. That listener who vomited in the bus when we went to, what town was it? Anyway. Richmond Red Rooster, which I'm basing most of my Red Rooster knowledge on.

I reckon it's just about ground zero. It's a shocker. We were there right after it opened. Yeah. We were rattling at the door to get in. It was, yeah, you're opening the door. It's already filthy, which means there's no end of shift cleanup happening at the end of the night. So it's just been like that all night overnight.

Yeah. So much disdain from the woman serving us. You've just gotten there. I've said this many times before. The canary in the mineshaft is you go in there, there's a Herald Sun, copy of the Daily Newspaper there, three months old. Yep.

That's, guys, start there. That's easy. Yeah. Yep. An awful experience. If your newspaper's three months old, how old are the nuggets? I used to be, I was such a big champion of Red Rooster. I loved their product.

They've fucked with their wrap. They've taken the classic wrap off the menu. So now there's just, there's no reason to champion them anymore. I was out there doing the Lord's work. I was one of the only allies they had left yeah and now they've even fucked me off yeah they've gotten rid of the one thing i liked there so do you do they sell rooster or is it just chicken yeah i don't know you don't eat rooster do you i guess not you're always eating the chicken the female of the yeah good point

you're never eating the actual yeah you don't eat male meat do you again this is coming up in your meeting with them yes your consultancy meeting just like we obviously don't care about that you're not the first person to notice this right get the fuck out yeah but instead their big turnaround a couple years ago was like we're gonna start doing fried chicken and it's like you've you could not have missed the boat more. You missed the boat and the boat's the Titanic. That's how long ago the boat left. You're the iceberg.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks. Sorry, I'm really bad with names. What was your name again? My name's Simon Lovett. Thanks, Simon Lovett. Yeah. That's me.

Okay. Well, thanks for having me. I guess I'll – Yeah, no, you're welcome. Have a great day. And if you can just send the next person in who's waiting out in the hallway, that'd be great. Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, thanks for having me. I guess I'll... Yeah, no, you're welcome. Have a great day. And if you can just send the next person in who's waiting out in the hallway, that'd be great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't see him at the moment, but I'll... Can't see him? Yeah. What do you mean? I can hear lots of chatter out there. So can I, but... Well, anyway, yeah, see you, Simon. Yep.

I'll just wait till... I don't know why you're taking... I'll just wait till he comes in. I don't want to be rude. Yep. But I'm trying to be polite and kind of like wind this up as organically as I can. I'm sort of asking you to leave. All right.

Okay. So I don't know why you're still in the room, honestly. Look, I'd love to leave. I don't know why. I don't know why. I'd actually really love to leave. Well, then why don't... What's the issue?

What's the holdup? My mum always taught me it's polite to only leave when the next person's ready to come in the room. And I'm just waiting for the next person to come in the room. It's not my fault. I'm surely there. It's not my fault if the next person hasn't walked in the room. I find it hard to believe that they're not busting to get in this room. Well, mate.

Come on in. Bring it up with them. What are you waiting for? Come on in. Don't take this out on me. Come on in. Look, I can hear them knocking. They're ready.

They're bashing in the door. You can't force them in. They're knocking on the door. You can't force them in. Yeah, yeah, open the door. Come on in Don't take this out on me Come on in Look I can hear them knocking They're ready They're bashing in the door You can't force them in They're knocking on the door You can't force them in Yeah yeah Open the door Come on in That's me knocking to get out

That's me That's me doing the knocking Oh well I guess That's me rattling on my head Oh god Well I guess we're just We're at something of a stalemate Aren't we

Okay alright See you later Okay bye Me Simon Lovett See you simon signing out okay great and uh yeah uh click creak come on in hello oh hi who's this it's me it's uh it's me the fifth person in this week yep it's uh well i guess i would normally say it's it's me my name but i guess i should say what i'm representing the company the company that's taken out this subscription on your show. Oh, okay.

You're like a spokesman for the company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an offshoot of like a fast food chain that you may know. Oh, an offshoot. Yeah, but we actually do. It's sort of like a franchise. We're going in a different direction. We're doing something.

We're more into the entertainment world. Oh, interesting. Yeah, you've talked about – I don't know if you've heard of Red rooster i've heard of red rooster yeah well this is us this is us red comedy oh okay yeah wait your name is red comedy yeah yeah yeah well it's effectively that's who i'm representing so that in in where we are now you love the you're such a company man that you changed your name to that's what i am i don't want to waste your time with like who cares what my name is yeah yeah yeah all i want to do is get out this brand. Yeah, who just wants to hear people's names?

No, no one. Who has any interest in that? When you see a billboard for Coca-Cola, do you want to hear the name of the guy that put it in the bottle? No. Kind of. Kind of. I'd be pretty interested to hear.

No, I wouldn't be. Again, that's another thing we've done on the podcast. So this is me, Red Comedy. Don't you want to know about Red Comedy? No, yeah. So what does Red Comedy do? It's a comedy club and all the things that we've learned from Red Rooster, we've applied this to be one of the worst comedy clubs in the land. Oh, right.

Okay. So like what, just filthy? Filthy seats. Right. The microphone doesn't work. Yeah. We've actually, we recruit a lot of our comedians from this, one of the hottest

Comedy nights going around Debuting next April in Melbourne Called The Worst of Melbourne Comedy Oh sure sure sure We're poaching a lot of them You're a try out for that Yeah We're poaching a lot of them

You're poaching people from a thing That hasn't happened yet That's right Okay great That's how far ahead And behind we are at the moment Yes Well thanks Red Comedy

I really appreciate Yeah business must be going really well if you can be making a charitable donation to the little dumb is going terribly but again this donation is part of our horrible business yeah

sure you were hoping this would be a tax write-off we don't know what we're doing we don't even know why we're doing this well thanks red comedy and thanks to everyone who

supports the show on patreon patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club get on little dumb dumb club.com for all the tour dates that we have coming up. See you in Perth. See you in Melbourne. And come to Red Comedy. I'm still here in the room.

Oh, yeah. Bye, Red Comedy. Carl, come back in. Say goodbye with me. Hello. What's been happening? Oh, not much. I just went to get a drink.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Nice. What did I miss? Comedy. Okay. Goodbye, everyone. Bye.