The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 681 - Dave Thornton & Lloyd Langford

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

This week we're joined by DAVE THORNTON and LLOYD LANGFORD! Tommy's taken his parents to see Paul McCartney, and a mysterious former colleague of his dads has DM'd him on Instagram. PLUS Chandler's back from Singapore and had a nightmare return flight so we get stuck into the hidden travel hacks of seat booking, business class on Jetstar, inflight entertainment, luggage sales and WAY MORE! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Lloyd Langford. We have got some live shows coming up. Perth, November the 4th. Get on it. It's fast, fast approaching. Actually, get on it, can you, Perth? Yes. Jesus Christ, Perth. Yeah. You are, um, look, you've been great in the past. Not the present. No.

Um, yes. But hey, that's in your hands. Yep. You can change that right now. Yep, absolutely. You could make the day of two shit-kicker little podcasts. Stop listening to this right now and go and get a ticket. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Get your tickets to that. And then a few weeks away, we have Melbourne, Saturday, November the 25th with great guests. Once again, LittleDumbDumbClub.com for those tickets. Really great guests on both shows. Yeah, going to be great. See you there. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Dave Thornton and Lloyd Langford.

Oops! Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. And joining us today, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave Thornton and Lloyd Langford. Oh yeah. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. We've really burnt ourselves out in the last hour, just gossiping away like nobody's business. What have we got left? Not much. Since we're talking about comedy, speaking of comedy, what a segue.

Five years on Breakfast Radio, you don't get segues like that overnight. Not a lot of people say that when they talk about this show, speaking of comedy, but that's fine. We can do that. Well, that's why we've got to bring this up now because who knows when the next time – it's like an eclipse. Yeah, 12 years in.

Actually, we should. Maybe we should talk about comedy. We're due for some comedy finally on the show. Last time I talked to Lloyd was we had a conversation about a gig that he'd done the year before and I had to laugh because it was this corporate kind of thing and they're like, talk to Lloyd because he'll tell you how it goes. Oh, this is one of the brutal things about doing corporate gigs. For people at home, say BMW wants someone to do 20 Minutes of Comedy,

whatever it is, that's called a corporate gig. And whenever you hear about that thing, it's like someone does the corporate and they go, you should have seen who we had last year. And then it's like, sorry, cancel my appointments. Let's hear about some cunt that bombed for 20 minutes last year. That's what you always get. But it was funny because I called Lloyd the day before and I said, any tips? And he goes, oh, don't do it.

I'm like, it's tomorrow. I've got to do it. No jokes about the 318i, all right? What was so wrong with the gig? It is an annual event honoring the 100 most influential people in Australian media. Okay. So obviously not the ideal crowd.

Not people wanting to make light of themselves. People taking themselves a little bit too seriously. And I think people are... It's like a countdown to the number one most influential person in Australian media, which, spoiler alert, is Murdoch until he dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just gets the number one spot every year. He's done it again!

He's on the cover every year of whatever the equivalent of Maxim is. And then you write it's like Lachlan and James and his daughter and then they're two dogs. The top ten is just filled out. Is it a bit like you get the offer to do the gig and you're like, what a brutal way to find out I'm not on the list? Yeah. 100%.

No, because they did say. If you had negotiated a better fee, maybe you might have been on the list. Yeah. 100%. No, because they did say- Yeah, if you had negotiated a better fee, maybe you might have been on the list, but yeah. No, but they did say, because you brought up maths and it destroyed. And I even said it. When I got there, they were like, you're married at first sight. They were like, oh, Lord, talk about married at first sight. It went off.

Right. Really? Because they do love it. Because I was really struggling. Yeah. And then I remember I had a material where i made fun of mario the first site and they they were there as well the the production team okay so basically i just got the audience to turn on and a smaller section of the audience you spoke truth to power mate

that's what it's all about that's what we're all trying to do up there take down the fat cats so you're saying that word better than your other gear about Duke Ellington or whatever the fuck you talk about. That's weird. Duke Ellington. I've got a corporate. Who's it for? Duke Ellington.

Ah, damn. I'm not going to be able to do my best gear. That was a deep cut I wasn't expecting. He's always watching. He might not look like he's watching the gig, but he's always squirrelling away with the information that he might need. I'm always listening for weak points. Or making them.

Depends how you go. I told Lloyd about this because then he texted me going, how did the gig go? And this was it. The host, she's like a tv host and she gets up and at the start like there was a welcome to country you could hear a pin drop and then they start the thing and everyone starts talking like they couldn't care less right and then they put up this uh 10 minute then round table discussion about a topic that they brought up

still people know everyone's talking no one's paying attention. And I'm like waiting off on the wings and I'm supposed to go up after this, like it was like a four-hander of this chat on stage about something. And I'm like, I'm going to die here. Like no one cares. And I got the organizer to go over

and go, can you tell the host, if she can get him to shut up, that'd be great. Like that's all I'm asking right now because otherwise it's going to go to hell. Diva alert. It's funny you said that.

And also when I run a gig and I tell everyone to shut the fuck up, I'm the bad guy. All of a sudden someone's missing Chando in a gig. Mind you, I would have loved if she progressively got up, right, we're all here, this is going to be a good night, this is going to work out all right. Shut the fuck up and have fun. The charm offensive that Chandler does at the top of the show.

But it's funny you said that, Dax, because I see the organiser go over to the host. She gives me the thumbs up. Everything's going to be fine. Gets up on stage and goes, Okay, guys, our next performer, bit of a diva. Oh, yes. Fantastic.

Threw me clean up. The next act has asked me to tell you to be quiet, everyone. The comedy stylings of Mariah Carey, fantastic. Threw me clean. The next act has asked me to tell you to be quiet, everyone. The comedy stylings of Mariah Carey, everyone. Fingers crossed he's only four hours late to the stage tonight. There are steps he won't be able to get onto the stage. Let's hope the tassels don't fall off Jenna Jackson's boots over here. That's great. And so then how do you...

They just cut to me in a hot tub. Just, oh, is it my cue? Yeah, is it time to perform? I went to see Paul McCartney on the weekend and he started half an hour late, which I was like, come on, mate, you're 81. The clock is ticking. Get out of here.

Aren't you starting at like five o'clock? Exactly. Yeah. I was tired at the end and all I did was stand there and watch him. the clock is ticking get out of here aren't you starting at like 5 o'clock exactly aren't you yeah I was tired at the end and all I did was stand there and watch him

but you know he is of that age where it's like it's a bit like coming to the stage and you're sort of thinking like is this it

you know what I mean does he have a support act no oh didn't he no opener so you're just all standing around

for half an hour just going what's happening here yeah yeah it was like there was this stuff playing on a there was like a little video montage thing No opener. So you're just all standing around for half an hour just going, what's happening here? Yeah. Yeah, it was like there was this stuff playing on it. There was like a little video montage thing playing on a screen that kind of made it look like, oh, he's about to walk out. It's all ramping up and then that just goes for like, yeah,

just half an hour. Yesterday when this gig was supposed to start. It did say on the tickets, it's like, be there ready for 7.30 because Paul may be on stage at 7.30 sharp. I love the wording of it of like, if he's feeling it, he'll be ready to go at 7.30. But you know what these old blokes are like. Did he do any new stuff? He did.

He actually, he did say one funny thing where he was like, when we play these Beatles songs, you know, everyone gets their phones out and it's like looking out into a galaxy of stars with all the lights. And then when we play the new stuff, it's like looking into a black hole. It's like, he gets it. That's brutal to hear because I read a review of his Adelaide gig. It's like quoted the same gear. He's trotting it out everywhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his patter. He's got his patter. Yeah. He's like, he starts all these anecdotes with, now at this part of the show, I tell a story that goes like this. Yeah. He's like, he starts all these anecdotes with, now at this part of the show I tell a story that goes like this. Yeah. And it's like, then just tells the story.

It's like, just go into the story, mate. We don't need the link. It'd be great if they had Yoko as support. That would be great. Mark David Chapman. Don't sit in the front row. Don't turn your back He did this bit He's got a bit where he's like

Plays a George Harrison song On a ukulele that George gave to him And then he's got a bit where he does Like a virtual duet with John Lennon And sort of talks about him And I was like It would be awesome if he just Eulogised Ringo mid-gig as well

Just get to a bit Just like wait for that to get back to you mate It's like are you telling people on stage that I'm dead? And there's Thomas the Tank Engine playing behind him. Oh, Ringo. Honestly, brutal. At the same time, my cousin is in America. Like going from city to city, he's just spent a heap of money just to see a gig every night

by like some big act every night. He's just driving around the country every night. He's posting up, oh, this is the gig I went to. And he went and saw the Ringo star and his all-star band. Okay. And he put a driving around the country every night he's posting up oh this is the gig I went to and he went and saw the Ringo Starr and his all star band and he put a clip up like the same night

he went and saw Ringo Ringo better voice these days really fucking brutal yeah wow Ringo sounds better than Paul McCartney

these days what's Ringo doing is he like drumming and singing while he's behind the kid or is he like really a bit of Darryl Summers

yes yes yes yes in many ways behind the kid or is he really a bit of Daryl Summers yes Dazzler yes yes in many ways Daryl was the fifth Beatle

that's rarefied air Tommy yeah lawyer you I with

Daryl Summers have you been immersed no I was just trying to

think of jazz drummers that also sing save for your corporates

comedy behind the drum kit would be to sing. Save it for your corporates. Comedy behind the drum kit would be pretty good. Just giving yourself the, you know, doing the self rim shot after each gag. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Keep a little beat. Keep a little rhythm to the jokes. Well, speaking of travelling, speaking of comedy, I am fresh off the plane. So, yeah, if someone could, after this show, I am fresh off the plane so

yeah if someone could after this show if someone could help me find my car because I'm I'm so fucked I'm so jet lagged

I don't know I can't even remember where I parked at the moment but I came back from Singapore last night and flew Jetstar on the way back

didn't sleep and then just had to sleep a couple of hours and then just had a panic attack that I had to come and do this. That's risky. Jumped up. That's risky behavior. Yeah, yeah.

Didn't set an alarm. You didn't set an alarm? No. Really? Yeah. Didn't think I needed to. Just thought I'd lie down for one second. Yeah, after a night of not sleeping.

Three and a half hours later. Do you think you're that connected to comedy, that it would just wake you? Yeah. Comedy would know. I'd see through the window, I'd see the comedy signal up in the sky. Yeah. And I'd have to go.

They need me. This city needs me. Were you doing a gig in Singapore? No. You just really love the crowd. I was in Melbourne. No, we went for a family holiday over there i man i did a fucking brutal mistake now i won't i won't say

you chewed gum uh no you can chew it you can't just get rid of it that's all that's man you can't man i mean it is what they say it's a very clean place you can't even you get fined if you leave your um plate and shit on the table. You're not even allowed to do that. What do you mean? So after you finish dinner? Yeah. Yeah, you've got to go and...

But wait, at a restaurant, don't they clear the plates? No, is that what you're talking about? No, you've got to go and do the washing up. No, in like a... You mean in like a hawker hall if you don't take your tray and shit back to the... Yeah, food courts and hawker halls. Oh, jeez, you rolled out the red carpet for the family yeah good stuff no well that is great carl being like i got fined for leaving my dirty plate no that was the bill you were paying for you were paying for the bill

the food that you had in the restaurant yeah no the hawkers the hawker halls are the best you want to go there you want to go there like because it's that extreme city of like something's either fucking 50 or or it's $2. And there's nothing in between. And I flew. I put the star in Jetstar on the way back. It flew very, very nicely. But I made this horrible.

There's Jetstar decal jammers on the floor? Yeah. Does Jetstar have like a separate section? Like a business class? There's the front and the back. That's all I thought. I don't know. That's taken to pieces, isn't it?

That business Jetstar? Internationally, they do have, yeah. Do they? It's not like a pod, say, on a legit airline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is a business class. I mean, that's silly, isn't it? Whatever you want to call it

just yeah yeah if you're going to pay business for Jetstar just fly somewhere else and have coach you know what I mean yeah who's the

who's the most high shot you know high flyer businessman that's ever flown Jetstar yeah yeah yeah I own a vape shop no big deal yeah yeah yeah

wow well 10% of it but yeah I've got shares In some Monster Energy stuff If you are looking For American confectionery Yeah

Yeah I import Cocoa Puffs I own one of those Weird milk bars That just has like All the American snacks Yeah yeah I own a bit of Bitcoin

Yeah I'm on first name basis With all three of the musketeers From the chocolate bar Doing alright Man I made I own a bit of Bitcoin. Yeah, I'm on first name basis with all three of the musketeers from the chocolate bar. Doing all right. Man, I made a fucking, well, yeah, this is my version of Hotshot. I bought, you know, I chose my seats. Yep. Chose the seats for the family.

Yep. Smart. Together. Put them up the back. Sorry? Put them up the back. Well, there we go. Yeah, nice.

Well, here's what the plan was was I thought it was being very clever this is what I did up the back two seats for my wife and child one seat for myself separately so we're not having the three together

here's the thinking so we fly late at night you fly fly overnight you want to get asleep on the way back I two window seats right yep then So we fly late at night. You fly overnight. You want to get asleep on the way back. Two window seats, right? Yep.

Then one aisle seat. Yes, because that's a common trick. Is it? If you're flying with someone, you book two with a gap in the middle because no one's going to on purpose book the middle seat. Yes. So then you have the best seat. Okay, is that a common trick? I didn't know that So you have it. So then you have the bathroom seat. Okay. Is that a common trick?

I didn't know that was a common trick. I worked at it all by myself. And you learn how not to sit with your family. Which is nice too. You can get away with that. You've got a little bit of room in between the two of you. Plus two of you have got the window seat. Well, guys, I clean up your plates before when we're in Singapore.

Give me a bit of space. But if the flight is fully booked, then you've got like a stranger in the midst of your family. Well, maybe that's the risk that you've taken that I'm about to talk about. That'd be funny, like your wife leaves you going, well, he sat with us. So to be honest, I feel closer to this guy than when you were asleep in front of us.

You think picking up the wrong baggage is bad? I picked up the wrong husband. Oh, this jet lag's kicking in. I just realised. I'm going through a trial separation. So I'm a window seat, wife's window seat, gap, child, right? So then we get on last because I'm always like, I'm not getting on early, I want to get on so i'm not having to wait up wait or anything we get there someone's

sitting in one of the window seats for starters you might oh in your seat yeah yeah so you've got to do that is that you yeah yeah yeah are you 45 they are yeah yeah yeah all that that dance right except the thing is i've already dropped Valium on the way Onto the flight So I'm having to I'm having to come in and go Mate Fucking what seat You're not at the peak

Of your pose of the beat Yeah yeah Totally Chandler's already got An adult diaper on Mate I think we know What's about to happen

I'm busy fighting off The Sandman I don't have time for you Yeah I'm fighting the Sandman I don't need to fight A man Alright'm fighting the sandman i don't need to fight a man all right you're in the full pajamas dressing gown excuse me mate i'm angry because they wouldn't let me bring my little candle in the holder onto the plane if i was

fully dressed we could have this conversation i'm ready for sleepy bye-byes can we get on with this yeah so this guy's in there and he's like, oh, what seat's this? Oh, what, what, what? And I go, mate, you know it's not that one. What's your number? And he's like, oh, H. And I'm like, in what world's H a fucking window seat? All right?

That's not happening. And he's like, and he's going through the whole, I'll have to find my ticket again. I'm like, you just got on the plane. You had your ticket. What are you talking about? Fuck, the holiday is over for this man. Just as soon as he sets foot on the plane, reality comes crashing back in. So he's got a H.

He's got a H. And I'm like, come on, mate. And he's like, oh, well, where would H be? And I'm like, all of a sudden, I'm the fucking steward. I'm having to tell him where his fucking seat is. I turn around and go, I'll tell you where H is. It's in the middle of the middle section. It's not the window.

Like, how far off have you fucking got it? You're taking the piers. So he's like, oh, okay, a better move then. Yeah, mate. You're better. You probably could have done with more volume. Yeah. If anything, it's making you more hungry.

I think you got salt or lemon. It might be Tic Tacs. No, but this is like... This is him half asleep. Yeah. No, but this is me. It's like, you know, this is the poison kicking in. You're going, fuck, I've got to get this done before the poison finishes me off.

So I'm like, I've only got a few seconds before this completely closes my systems down. I have a systems collapse. So I'm like, come on, mate. Oh, okay. This is the most lo-fi James Bond thing I've ever seen. He's just got a tranq and he's got to get it all done. I'm taking a Valium and I'm trying to get away from my family, mate. Can you just give me some space?

I've got a tranq on my neck. I've got to finish this admin before it kills me. I've got a Facebook message spleen to see if it's running all right. Yeah, yeah. So I've carted this guy out and I'm having to put him in his middle. You know, what do you call that? You're putting him into the seat. Yeah.

Yes. Leaning him by the ear like a naughty little boy. He's giving him the Heimlich moving him across. Well, it's Jetstar. They're not going to do – the stewards aren't going to do the job themselves. I have to fucking step up. Yeah, even more so than I am. Vigilante justice.

I'm making a citizen's arrest. Taking him out onto the tarmac and getting him to bite down on the curb. Hey, this is my mile high club, alright? I'll fuck that guy's life. I fucked his seating arrangement why don't you

have another couple of Valiums maybe wash him down with some bourbon so what do

you call it you know you got your window three or whatever it is on each side

what do you call the middle is it just the middle bank is that what you call that

the middle bank that's the worst you never want to be in that the middle

of the middle the central kind of clusterfuck. No, yeah. Because that's like four usually across, yeah? Those international, yeah, where there's like a big batch and you're like, oh. Oh, it's so brutal. That's the people who haven't bought up front.

It's the people who haven't bought their seats, they haven't paid for their seats, they get lumped in the miscellaneous seats. Yeah, there's people living like animals. Yeah. Yeah. Double animal. Double animal style

Jetstar plus the middle seats to be honest the only time that works is with a family if you've got you know the parents either side

and the kids are in the middle and you're like we can deal with this if there's four fully grown adults if you've got a foursome if you've got that thing where it's like we all need to sit together

you know those people that go to the cinema or go to shows and it's like we need to sit together it's like do you really need to hold hands while you're watching something

it's fucking insane I reckon when you're flying too I'm always like man I don't want to chat to you just leave me alone I just want to watch a movie I've done overseas gigs with comedians

I know friends and stuff and deliberately start away from them yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you just want you just want a bit of space

we talked about this months ago we did a boys trip to Bangkok, and one of my mates unhingedly was fighting for this and going, we all have to meet up in the lounge. We have to meet up in the lounge, Brian, hang out for three hours, and then we all have to sit together. And I was like, why?

And they go, well, that means we get to bond. I'm like, cunt, we're overseas together for six days. I reckon we can do our bonding mid holiday we're 47 and we grew up together we've bonded we're so past that remember Fizz Ed

in the change rooms I reckon we did it there I've known you for so long now that's why I want to sit away from you I know too much did I tell you just as a side note

this is when at the end of last year I went to Africa with Tommy Little and his mate Johnny and I'd gotten because points

were just sitting there and I'm like it's an overseas flight I'm going to pump myself up to business I'm like this is great we've just been through years of lockdowns

this is my little treat I turn up to the airport those two are like oh yeah and I said heck business heck this is going to be great and Tommy's like yeah

and I said where are you guys sitting and he's like first class because he just craps out money yeah and then the funny thing was as we're flying i'm in business so like you know i put the put it all out low down there same kind of thing as you as in i've taken the valiums right when i pass out i pass out then he tells me when we land he gets smashed in first class and charges down to business. And the stewards had to hold him back. They're like, you can't wake this man. Because I'm deep in sleep. And Tommy's like, whee!

It's like the only time I've ever had someone from first. They should have been so surprised to be like probably pushing him back to economy. He's like, no, no, really. I'm at the other end. We're kicking you out of business into first class. So they wouldn't even let me wake him I'm like yeah mate that's what I paid for so I can sleep on the floor

that's what sucks about being so I can stick away stay away from the rabble in first class yeah that's what sucks about being friends with Tommy Little you bump yourself up to business class you can't even feel good about it

you still get Alfred in business class 100% that's so brutal like he probably bought a second chair just so he can put his bags on it or something he just doesn't care poor Johnny's

in economy yeah yeah you had one in every carbon yeah between the three of us we've got the plane covered if any shit goes down

we're gonna be across it actually I think Johnny was trying to put in a cage in cargo yeah so yeah so old mate you gotta move to age yeah so moved him moved into the middle thing i'm like yep great and then so but so there's two of them

right there's two of them in that bank of three that my wife and my child are going to be in one window one aisle so then the guy in the middle was like all right so mate can we get you out of there and he's like no this is my seat like yeah but it's middle yeah but I paid for middle I'm like but who wants middle it's going to be my wife on one end my child on the other

he's like oh well that's where I'm and then the steward comes along and they suck take it from me I'm sitting in a different aisle

hang on hang on so there was a guy so your planted field there was a guy in between your wife and child yeah yeah but now what

you're trying to get him to leave yeah you don't have a leg to stand on because this first guy you're like that's not your seat and then this guy

it is his seat you can't fucking win with this guy yeah I'm like you just moved to Isle and he's like I'll take window I'm like

no I can't yeah no what do you want you tell me mate where is the right place to sit on this fucking plane so he's trying to my plan is unravelling like fuck because all of a sudden You tell me, mate. Where is the right place to sit on this fucking plane?

My plan is unravelling like fuck. I think the easiest thing is no one's going to sit in the middle. And if they are, they're going to take aisle easy. They'll switch. They'll switch to aisle. And then he's like, I'll take window. I'm like, fuck. He's fucked my plan.

I'm like, oh. And then the steward comes along. And then the steward comes along and then the steward's like, no, he has to sit there anyway. He has to sit there for takeoff or whatever. Yeah, to make sure the weight on the plane is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the meantime, behind them, there's no one sitting there. So I'm like, fuck, I'm just going to sit in the complete bank of no one sitting behind them

this is awesome uh so i'm sitting behind them three empties in a row i'm sitting there and then they go oh no you can't sit there the stewards and stewardesses sometimes going sometimes yeah sometimes yeah so they go no you can't or if someone dies like they yeah lay them off yeah yeah yeah yeah some of that stuff that's that's incredible yeah just push them out lay your mopsers there and put a fucking rug over the top. Yeah, right. Didn't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of that stuff. That's incredible. You just push them out. They're dead.

Get them out. You die on them. Get them in the middle seat. Yeah. Put them in the middle bunk with all the other people having done the necessary play.

There you go. Don't give a corpse a window seat. What, they're going to check out the view? At the very least, move them out of this

extra leg room seat. Jesus Christ. Don't put them in the aisle. Don't put them in the aisle. Their legs are going to be all over fucking, you know, where you put the trolley.

If I was doing long haul and they said, look, you know, the choice is you can sit next to like a normal, a life person. Yeah. Or someone that has just died. Yes.

I reckon I'd choose the corpse every time. You reckon? Yeah. If they came to you and they said, hey, we're going to bump you up mid-flight. There's been an opening in business class. Yeah. However, we do have to tell you this. A person literally just died in that scene

and that's why it's opened up. What about two? Two. One middle, one aisle and you get the window by yourself. There's no share in the armrest.

There's no one getting up to go to the toilet or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not bad. That's alright. That's alright. The occasional death rattle.

Yeah. Yeah. But I got noise constantly. Yeah. Yeah. They've excavated their bowels Yeah Yeah But I got noise cuts Yeah Yeah They've They've excavated their bowels When they died

So it's not smelling great But still You get their meals Yeah Yep Yeah Oh okay Yeah

Oh so you're just pulling the credit card Out of their pocket Okay for that please Oh yeah this Jetstar I forgot Yeah yeah I get two colouring books You get you get their flaked socks

yeah sick bag you get their sick bag wow there are no negatives to this situation

I've been I've had this kind of thing happen where I was flying I think from Italy to Barcelona so it was only

I don't think it was a very long flight so I didn't bother like booking it you know choosing the seat and I, I don't think it was a very long flight. So I didn't bother like booking it, you know, choosing the seat. And I was in the middle and there was a couple either side of me, which I was thinking,

oh, well, they've done that thing. So I go to, yeah, I'd go to sit down in the middle seat. I'm like, oh, does one of you want to swap? So you're next to each other? And they're like, no. So then I'm just in the middle of them. But they were like talking to each other

over me and like handing each other food and like then they start fighting i'm like this is hell like why would you do the plan that's fine but then you obviously you want to like if you know if someone takes that seat you go okay well we'll swap like we'll be next to each other yeah don't just they wanted they wanted to force you out like yeah car here i know where to go i don't just they wanted to force you out like Carl here I know where to go I don't want to be in the fucking middle I don't want to be here either that makes more sense

they get the aisle they get the window so then maybe they were scouting for a maybe they want to get a thruple situation off the ground you know that's just their

hey that's how we're going to find someone to join our relationship just get a lot of flights and always leave an empty seat in between us. And that's where we'll meet our new partner. So I wasn't allowed to sit in the back. So the steward comes up and goes, he's done his calculations, gone through the whole plane.

That's not where you're supposed to sit. You've got to go back to your seat, your proper seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I go back to my proper seat and I book the window seat. But, yeah, again, none of the gamblers have paid off. There's someone in the aisle. There's someone in the middle. And it's cloudy as well

so you can't see out the window. Yeah. Well, it's night time. It's night time. And how's the Valium going now? Oh, I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am fucking about to drop. I'm about to drop. Just the Valium in the control room. Yeah. We're getting some extreme resistance.

It's not working, Captain. No, no, it's really kicking in now. So then I'm like, oh my God. So I'm stumbling down the aisle and then I have to go. Imagine these guys walking down the aisle just drooling and everyone's like, oh, I'm not next to him. You've got to move two people out now. Yes, all that.

So I'm really sorry. I bet the guy from here just looking over, rubbing his little greasy hand. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Who's laughing now, Chandler? so I'm really sorry I bet the guy from H was looking over rubbing his little greasy hunny oh yeah oh yeah who's laughing now Chandler no but that's

the great thing is in my argument the guy from A yeah this this turned into this turned into a chopper

an H block here we go just hanging out no yeah the guy's on H I look like I'm on H at this point yeah

so so in my he's flying fleeties though yeah in my adult condition no yeah the guys on H I look like I'm on H at this point yeah so in my he's flying fleeties though yeah in my adult condition I'm like I have to get these two out just as they've settled in

or whatever and I go don't worry guys I'm only going to sit by the window for a minute then I'm going to get up and go back to this other seat and they go

oh that's a great argument thanks for letting us know we're getting up twice in the next fucking 20 minutes so the steward has like showed me this bank of three and gone you can leave your that's a great argument. Thanks for letting us know we're getting up twice in the next fucking 20 minutes. So, the steward has like, showed me this bank of three and gone,

you can leave your, your bag here. And then once you get up and once we get up in the air, you can go back and you can have that. And I go, fucking all right.

All right. That's fine. That sounds good. I'll be able to go to sleep. I'll fucking zonk out. So I get in the window seat and I'm like, great,

we take off and then like, it full kicks in. I'm sitting there for two seconds and it's boom, Ik out. So I get in the window seat and I'm like, great, we take off and then like, it full kicks in. I'm sitting there for two seconds and boom, I'm out. And then cut to, I don't know how long later,

20 minutes later, whatever it is, and the shoe is just poking me. Come on, mate. You can go back to the other seats now. You can go to the other seats. And I'm like, oh,

I'm like, are we home? I'm so out of it. Like, I've done two and a half albums. I'm like, whoa. Two and a half? Yeah. So, I'm like, are we home? I'm so out of it. Like I've done two and a half albums. I'm like, whoa. Two and a half?

Yeah. So I'm like, I do not. I'm like, I do not want to. I don't want to feel this flight. I don't want to. I want to wake up in Melbourne. That's it. You're clinically dead.

Yeah. It's like eight hours. You're trying to like Austin Powers cryogenically freeze yourself. Mate, maybe this is your afterlife. Just doing podcasts for eternity. You're in purgatory. I was about to say heaven, but I think we all know where this landed. I don't know if this is real. Is this actually happening?

This is kicking on right now. So he drags me out of there. He drags me by the collar out of that seat. Puts me up the back to these seats right meanwhile sit down he sold the same fucking trip to two others all of a sudden i'm in the bank up the back i don't have it by myself i'm now just in a full bank up the back with other people so i've now lost the window seat yeah no we're putting you near the toilets Because you're a piece of shit We've seen how you carry on This is where you belong

I've lost I've lost my window seat And now I'm in the middle bank With all these other cunts Yeah that's good Old H mates on his own Yeah Yeah

He's living the high life I And I'm Out of my head With no one to lean on My head's wobbling Fuck in every direction I get no

Fucking There's no You know you get to that bit Where you Yeah it feels like You're in fucking purgatory head with no one to lean on my head's wobbling fucking every direction i get no fucking there's no you know you get to that bit where you yeah it feels like you're in fucking purgatory where you're just trying every single permutation of like how you can sleep in a middle seat with nothing to yeah yeah the people that i love the people this is like such a given up move they're like tray table down yes and they'll just i just go that's i'd rather just be awake and have tomorrow be around that was the guy next to me and i was like i tried every move except for that one that is doing permanent neck and back damage it's not worth it's the karma sutra of air travel yeah

yeah you're trying every position you possibly can yeah i know what'll make me not off getting in a position where it's like i'm trying to suck my own dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Putting my face flat down on plastic. Yeah, fuck. That is grim. I'm amazed that they walk you up if you were asleep. Yeah.

Yeah. That's infuriating. Yeah. Yeah, and just the whole time I'm like, oh my God. I paid extra for a fucking... You know, that's the best possible thing you can do you paid to choose your seat and then you sat in almost every other seat on the one that you'd booked i paid extra for goldilocks yeah and then and then i look over i look and then the whole flight i'm looking over h is getting noshed off by the stewardess.

That was the best flight I've ever taken. It got off to a bit of a rocky start, but after that man left me alone, it was all just... I'm trying to sleep and continually being woken up by H giving me the thumbs up. Thanks, mate. Thank you. Just wanted to check in again, mate, and tell you this is the best flight I've ever had.

I've got a seat that's just got movies on it that aren't even out yet. I'm watching Napoleon over here. I just got sucked off. Wait, you're sitting next to my wife again. What? Good Lord. Jesus Christ. He doesn't know what he's saying.

He's jet lagged. Okay. He's jet lagged from the two hour time difference. So I look back to the seat that he's moved me originally out of because I'm not allowed to sit in there. What's sitting in there? The steward's plastic bag. The seat I'm not allowed to sit in anymore.

You should put a plastic bag in there. Fucking hell. This sounds bad even for Jetstar. Are you sure you weren't on some airline that's like below that? That is also very funny though because even their carry-on is like a supermarket bag. Like the people who work at Jetstar can't even afford a leather suitcase. Mate, I will buy you a wheelie bag.

I'm casting envious glances on one of those candy stripe big fucking weird canvas bags that you buy from the $2 shop. It's got two seats by itself. I've got one over here in the middle aisle. Fucking hell. They were asleep. They fucking were asleep.

And meanwhile, you're looking over and you're like, wife and child are just, are they, what are they doing? Are they off? Zonked out.

They're zonked out. Cooked. They've gone to sleep straight away. They're all right. Great. They're doing beautifully. Yeah.

And then, but then we get home and then, if anything, little blankets used to it just oh daddy's yelling at everyone again yeah so we get off just the normal we get off we get home and then blankets had a good sleep my wife has had pretty good she's a big sleeper though so she's had she's had a good sleep but then i need more so then we go home and then we're so fucked we're like i guess we're just leaving at four asleep for four o'clock four o'clock

fuck me four year old child to run the house by itself yep we go to sleep i i'm literally saying i have to go to sleep because i have a podcast to do yeah yeah yeah so that would if i was in your position and i'm on the flight not able to sleep, thinking about doing this would be really working me up into a state. If you've got nothing on, it's like, yeah, whatever. Wipe the day out. Tomorrow will suck, but I'll just go to bed straight away. But when you know you've got something to do, you're just like, oh.

So then we go home to this spotless house. I wake up just in time to come here for this one. The four-year-old's blankets had the run of the house for fucking three and a half hours. Yep. She's watched all... The holiday's not over. Yeah. She's watched all the TV she can watch.

She's pulled every toy out of every fucking container. The place is underwater. And then she's got hungry and gone for the first time in her life. I think I'm going to cook something. Oh, hell yes. And then tried to make her own sandwich for the first time ever her impression of what a sandwich must be okay has pulled out bread laid that along on the start on the floor like hansel and gretel yeah like leading her way

back to the bathroom in case she needed to find it okay and then has got a big uh uh like container of cheese out with the um you know you get like 10 20 slices or whatever the plastic bag yeah she's and they're all individually sliced or whatever she's just like done and make your own sandwich where she's taken a few bites out of a few bits of bread taken the 10 slices of cheese out instead of undoing the slices just taking a couple of bites out of the side of it out of the plastic no no no taking it out of the plastic but just taking the big bites

out of like like a stack of cheeses oh yeah yeah just like you know cartoon style do you mean single single cheeses like singles

no no no you're talking the slices of tasty cheese but you know they're in the they're sliced but they're kind of stuck together so she's figured out

how to take them out of the plastic someone's been wanking over this cheese it kind of stuck together. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's figured out how to take them out of the plastic. Someone's been wanking over this cheese. It's all stuck together. We've got horny mice again. I'm lactose very tolerant. So it's just me waking up out of a coma for three and a half hours,

waking up, seeing these bites of bread all along the kitchen floor, these bites of cheese, and then going, ah, fuck this, I'm going to do a podcast. My wife can deal with this later. So your wife hasn't woken up yet? No, no, no. Yeah, right. So she can deal with that.

Had any messages since you got here being like, what the fuck state have you left this house in? I can barely speak. I haven't checked fucking anything. I don't know. Or you just come home and on blood there's H on the wall. You're like, who knows where I live? There's a mutton sat in the middle of your sofa.

P-Bucks a bitch. The plane is such an awesome environment. Where'd you get that bell from? What's going on? You took that out of the fridge. You'll be paying for that. Awesome environment. Where'd you get that bell from? What's going on? The plane is such a... You took that out of the fridge, you'll be paying for that. This is a Jetstar house. It's not included.

Yeah. And you wash those dishes. Oh, they will be fine. They will be fine. The plane is such a mad environment for just like, you just invent an enemy. You just like get on there and you just, you know, someone just rubs you the wrong way as you're like walking on

and then you can see them and you're just like you've got nothing else to focus on so you're just like i fucking hate this person with every fiber of my being and then the minute you walk off you're like completely forget about it immediately no but it's a confined space so plain etiquette and like how you get up and like hey you know i'm a real one for fucking hell mate like yeah just know your surroundings you idiot yeah i'm a real one for fucking hell, mate. Like, just know your surroundings, you idiot. Yeah, I'm doing my best. Can everyone do their best? I'm sitting on the aisle seat.

If you think you're going to be a big bitch. Well, you're on the aisle now, are you? No, no, no, no. Look, ideally. This story doesn't stack up. No, ideally. It didn't happen to me today. It didn't happen today.

But ideally, it's like, if you've got a weak bladder, get on the fucking aisle seat. Do the right thing. You know, I was so fucked off on a flight recently, where, especially when it goes, I always get, oh, because my legs are too long, and then I need to kind of stand up pretty quickly, because I'm like, oh, man, it's like I can't feel my legs.

And then you've always got some 50-year-old dude who's got no bearing of what's around him. He gets up, he's just throwing his elbows every which way, and I'm like, fucking idiot. And I literally got off the flight, was about to get an Uber and then realised I didn't take my carry on from the flight.

Great. Because I just cracked the shits. Yeah. It was like I'd left my luggage in there to be like, I don't even care about that. Yeah. Yeah, I love that.

I've done that maybe like once or twice having to then like walk back down the like walkway and go back onto the plane. That's a real walker. I'm very sorry, but I left all my belongings here. I'm a fucking idiot who's never left the house. You guys are fucking amateurs.

Not only have I done that, maybe double figure times. Yep. I have left my entire luggage on a train platform. Yeah. And then just hopped on the train and gone home and then come back two hours express was early yeah and then oh yeah just walked into a fucking brick wall yeah i've had to go back to a train station go has anyone left their entire life on the platform and they go oh you're the guy yeah to go into a room and like here's your three

pieces of luggage that you somehow got off an international fly and then just walked on with nothing onto a plane and went onto a train and went home yeah i've done it all don't worry it was next to you and you just walked off yep insane yep and then and have to go and then have to go fuck was there like a bomb threat or anything and they're like no just some fuckers do this all the time so it's like we just have to deal we've seen it all yeah the lost and found at the train station would be pretty awesome yes same as at the airport yeah absolutely imagine yeah just a just a room of how much shit do you think is in like a lost and found at the airport that's just like well those there

are those american tv programs where the the airport keeps the stuff for like two or three months and then like auctions off for soup kids. Oh, right. Like those people who buy like the rights to get into like the storage lockout auctions and stuff. And, you know, stolen cars. Cars that turn up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, I would love to buy. I'm going to look into this. I reckon you'd get some, you'd get your hands on some good shit, I reckon. A lot of neck pillows. Yeah, a lot of neck pillows. A lot of neck, I don't have enough of them. Imagine going to a two-hour auction of just neck pillows out a lot of neck pillows I don't have enough of them Imagine going to a two hour auction Of just neck pillows

Yeah Out of Tullamarine I've bought a lot of neck pillows You know what I've never done? Take a neck pillow with me to the airport I'm such a fucking idiot I would just forget them Get to the airport and see one and go

That'd be nice And then there's just like 20 of them in a cupboard What are you buying at an airport auction? Fuck I've never thought about that. I've seen those programs and you buy bulk consignments of luggage

but you're not allowed to open the bags or anything. It's like the lockers. It's like those lockers that you have to bid on the lockers and you don't know

what's in. And the people that do it are looking out obviously if it's like good luggage or branded that do it are looking out, obviously, if it's, like, you know, good luggage or branded. If it's a fancy brand, then it stands to reason that there'll be, like, nice clothes in it or shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on, do they put the sniffer dogs on the luggage first? Or could you possibly get a lot of cocaine out of one of these? Yeah, you buy, like, a... You bid on it because it's, like, it's funky. What if you brought your own sniffer dog along just to check everything out before you put a bid on? You bid on like a Gucci suitcase because you're like,

all right, this is going to have some fancy shit in it and then you open it up and it's just loaded with condoms. It's just a case of condoms or something. My beagle's got an erection. I'm taking number 47. That's the one I'm after. Oh, fuck.

It's a lot of pal. Damn. But it makes you want... How's the honesty of the staff though because you would honestly be like yeah this auction's about to kick off yeah guess what i'm looking through all these bags yeah it's like a salvos it's like a thrift shop yeah you'd 100 be going well that's cool but i'm gonna take that jewelry yeah yeah it's like bag or whatever you hear it like music festivals where you're not allowed to bring alcohol in and then it'll just be like the party

for everyone that worked there is just catered by booze that they've confiscated from people's cars on the way because it's like tons of people try and sneak it in you don't you've got to take it off and we just have a big piss up at the end of the festival that does make sense so it's like yeah if you're if you're working the airport left behind i would love that so the people at the airport are having a party purely based purely catered by whatever they find in bad yeah yeah just dressing up like just dressing up like a suitcase left behind. I would love that. So the people at the airport are having a party purely based, purely catered by whatever they find in bands. Yeah, yeah,

just dressing up, just dressing up like passengers. Ooh, I'm going to France. I hope I don't get cold over there. I'm wearing eight neck pillows. Look at me, I'm in the middle. Just a loincloth of neck pillows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a look. I don't mind that at all. A lot of duty free. Yeah. That makes more sense. Yep, yep. A lot of M&Ms bought at the Singapore fucking Changi Airport.

A lot of magazines just burnt through it, just waiting for the flight. I'm like, I'm not taking this on with me. Finished my book, not going to bother taking it on the plane. The four of us should go to a luggage auction. I'm keen. I would love to. Yeah, I'm keen.

We'll get a bag each. Yeah. Boys, are we in for a bag this weekend? I feel like this is something I'd take my kids to. I'd be like,

here's $50. You spend it how you want. Keep bidding, do whatever and then you get the bag. That's better than the Melbourne show. You get the bag. That's better than the Melbourne show. You get the bag, and then we come home, we have a little contest,

and we have to decide who got the best bag. Yeah, yeah. We all put $50 in. Who gets the best bag? Who wins? For sure. I mean, we need to know the ranking system. Like, you know, are dildos high-ranked?

Yeah, anything, any, like, dildo or sex toy it's like that's maybe we have like categories like we so everything gets like a point system

it does just make me now I think yeah there would be a high likelihood of that happening because it just makes you wonder we've lost our luggage and then you'd be

oh just don't worry about it the luggage is gone it's going to be full with stuff like that that you're not happy to close. We had our first, like in Changi Airport on the way back,

we had our first, so everything got weighed on the way over. Like I've never really had that where it's like, okay, you're weighing your big bag, you check in, but then you're weighing your carry-on luggage as well. So it's like,

and they'll be really strict about it. So on the way back, we're like, fuck, we have to do all this again. And of course you go, my wife is an overpacker to go anywhere. It's like, why are you bringing a mink coat?

We're going to Singapore. So anyway, we have to do all that sort of stuff. Then we get over there. Then of course, she's going to go shopping and stuff as well. And then we have to weigh up. It's like, fuck, we have now added so much more to this bag. And we're sitting there. And it's like a full-on 45 minute thing where we're the suck with this the most annoying passengers because we're just

moving stuff yeah we're stationed we're stationed putting it all on next to the scales yeah and so we're moving things between suitcases and then putting it back on and the woman's like fucking hell and you do that little dance where you feign ignorance oh is there a weight limit is there yeah yeah oh okay i actually didn Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I actually didn't realise. I certainly wasn't hoping you just wouldn't check. Yeah, yeah. And I'd get away with blue murder here.

Yes, yes. So we're doing that, moving things between bags and then putting them back on and everyone else is like, fuck, we've just got our shit together. We just want one way. And honestly, we did double figure ways. We're just like moving stuff between stuff.

This is before you get on. H is seeing this and thinking, if I never see this man, I'll be too soon. And that kid in the mink coat, he's there doing it, right? Yeah. And I've already had one valium at this point. I'm like, fuck, I'm not counting too well. Is that why you took the other one and a half to get the week done?

Yeah. Mr. Chandler, you're 10 grams over. Okay. I'm doing my bit. I'm having as much Valium as I can. We're going through bags and going, all right, how devoted, I'm like saying a blanket, how devoted are you to your childhood toys? Rank your toys out of the ones you'd like to go in the bin

or the ones you'd like to keep forever. Which ones do you want? In the bin. I know you love your pet an forever. Which ones do you want? In the bin. I know you love your pet anvil, but I just don't think you can take it. Yeah, yeah. I know you're trying to get buff, but can we, some of these 10 kilo barbells, can we chuck some of them out? Are you really going to bench press over there in Singapore?

I'm pretty sure they give you a weighted blanket on the plane. You'll be fine. I'll buy you a Fitness First membership when we get home, all right? Fitness First membership when we get home alright but yeah honestly we're literally

chucking out toys and blankets of our blanket wow just in the bin yep damn

what else do you do well this is stuff that should be going into the fucking auction I know stuff that gets turfed that people can't come to

and then she gets bagged and you're like oh way to make a sandwich idiot it's like you've just given her lifelong trauma. Yeah, yeah.

You're disposing all her stuff. We got rid of her blankie. We got rid of it. It went in the bin. Really? It went in the bin. That's not going to have any weight on it. I mean, emotional weight.

Yeah, yeah. Got a hell of a lot. That was taking up a lot of the bag, though. That is... It was like big. Are you kidding me? Is she getting any say in this execution or are you just like going in?

She could have held it. That's a fair point. She tried to. Carl's two and a half belly is down. Now it's mine. Throw it in. I'm pretty sure

this is a weighted blanket. It's not. If this kid goes in the bin, that's a lot of weight. Think of all the extra Liverpool merchandise like it's been with me. Yeah, that's a lot of weight. Think of all the extra Liverpool merchandise I could bring with me. Yeah, that's it.

Carl's bag's just full of all these soccer kids. I'm not throwing that out, mate. I think you'll find that's the 2004-05 season kit. That would be trauma for me later on in life if I get rid of this, okay? You don't need a mink coat in Singapore. Now make room for my liverpool coach's jacket what oh you need your birth certificate all the time do you throw it out mate look you don't need your passport i'll vouch for you so is she getting any is she giving any uh

input into which of these toys are being binned she's like i'm off that one you can chuck him out i don't think she was i don't think she was checked in on on on a on a few a few of them i don't think she few harsh calls that had to get made without her yeah okay yeah and then what's gonna happen now and then what happened next you say we went in and they didn't weigh any of our carry on so yep could have held on to most of it and are you bracing yourself now for her to go what happened to you know elephant where'd he go and you're gonna have to like you know i think he ran Where'd he go? And you're going to have to like, you know, oh, I think he ran away, you know. Porches. Yeah.

Porches. Are you formulating a little story? Yeah. Oh, no, Daddy had all these drugs in it, so they had to be confiscated. Yeah, okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. All the drugs that weren't in my system already.

Yeah. Yeah. So all in the bin. All in the bin. All in the bin for nothing. A lot of childhood memories in there. I've been in Changi Airport, so if you're there in the next couple of days

and they haven't cleaned it out, go in there for a... It's like bloody Toys R Us in there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, if they do an auction for the airport bins, that's another thing. Every time you say it,

I just can't help but think, I remember going to Singapore and doing gigs for the Melbourne Comedy Festival Roadshow and Mooney was on I remember his opening gag was to be honest I went through

Changi Airport I don't know what my grandfather was complaining about he was luxurious it was it just made me so dismissive

of the kinds of fort in the wall yeah the way he painted Changi it seemed to like a lot yeah

you know like in Thailand they have a thing where you literally go to jail if you're dismissive of the royal family and we were all The way he painted Changi It seemed to like a lot Yeah You know like In Thailand They have a thing Where you literally go to jail If you're dismissive Of the royal family And we were all very wary of that The first time we did

Koh Samui International Podcast Festival We did We made our little Stand up pub gig And the first line Tom Ballard opens with Fuck the king We're like

Okay cool Well I guess We're going to get executed Yeah We're in a bit of trouble here. This is so similar to... So you've just been in Singapore for a week. We've heard all about the flight and the airport.

This is remarkably similar to talking to my 70-year-old parents about their month-long trip to Europe. Do you know what I heard about? What? How busy the airports were. Yes. How busy the train was. Yes.

And then at one point, mum's like, oh, we were in this restaurant. I'm like, oh, here we go. I'm about to actually hear about some culture on the trip. She's like, and the waiter was really rude to us. I'm like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Well, I confirmed they were in Europe. Yep.

I didn't get lost. Didn't hear a single thing about the actual trip. Just gripes about the transport they were getting around. And they also brought your childhood toys and threw them out. Just cause. Yeah, they got really good skips over there. That's the best place to get rid of them. Tommy had his Expo 88 t-shirt

and we absolutely threw it out in Paris. Well, I got a message from a completely random person on Instagram the other day. Someone who I don't follow them and they don't follow me. But just randomly I got a message saying hi Tommy I used to work with your dad

at this place he worked at and I have a funny story about him I wondered if you may want to hear it and so I go oh I'd love that and then I start thinking like what if this is like what if this is like really bad

I do like that as a setup I'm hitting up a comedian who constantly needs Content free show Yeah I have a funny story Would you like to hear it? Would you like to hear it? Not for me thanks

Well like I said She doesn't She doesn't follow me Like she's Somehow just found me Okay And from the profile pic How old do you think

This is quite a famous scam actually Is it really? Are you? I mean I guess Yeah he's my bank details I'll pay for the story i guess yeah how much do you want to pay for this funny story my favorite thing about my dad is that his birthday is my pin number tell me a funny story thanks um so uh yeah she she she used to work with my dad at this uh at this office and uh she one day, one of my colleagues in the comms team

had accidentally grabbed his lunch from the fridge. It was a Thai beef salad, and she got confused because she'd made a stir fry and thought that looked similar, and it was in a similar container. Anyway, she popped it in the microwave and left the kitchen. At the same time, your dad discovered that his Thai beef salad was in the microwave and was absolutely outraged that not only had someone stolen his lunch, but they had microwaved it as well.

I believe he was overheard for the rest of the day repeating, who microwaves a salad? And she was too embarrassed to own up. This is really my dad in his George Costanza era, just getting mad about someone heating up his salad in the office. I can't believe she'd been sitting on it for so long. I know. I know.

This is such a bizarre impulse to like, I've got to track this guy down after all this time. It's time to finally tell him this story. It's like state secrets. Like they finally lifted the sanctions on it. Yeah, yeah. Enough time has passed. Statute of limitations.

We'll find out who shot JFK and your dad's time deep silence aliens are real yeah your dad brought in a redacted and it was in the office

speech he warmed it up in that blank maybe I wonder what it was maybe that woman has had like an intervention

now she has to like apologise maybe you know it's like you've hurt all these people yeah and so she's to like apologise. Maybe, yeah. You know, it's like you've hurt all these people. Yeah. And so she's like, oh, will you tell Darselo's dad about the time?

Step nine is admitting all the salads you've warmed up. Dad worked in that office like at least 10 years ago. Like I reckon I would have forgotten that story like the next day. Yeah. She's just clung to this for a decade. And also hunted you down. Yeah. To be like... clung to this for a decade. And also hunted you down.

Yeah. To be like. What a legacy. What a legacy. I'm passing it on to his first born. He must know. And also for all of that dedication and all that history, can't even be bothered giving you a follow. I know.

Yeah, exactly. Knows my dad. Thinks he's a funny guy in the office. I don't want to see any content you've pumped out. I've already got better content than you about you already. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to the guy who created you. Yeah.

The source of the content. The truth. Have you told your dad? Are you worried that he'll lash out? Yeah, I am. I sort of am. There's something about it where I'm like, I'm going to trigger like a manic episode in him or something.

Yeah. Yeah. I would like to manic episode in him or something. Yeah. Yeah. I would like to hear his side of the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like there's more to it. Yeah. I mean, there's not a lot there to start with. He's right, though.

Who does microwave a Thai beef salad? I worked with my dad on this one. She thought there was a stir fry. Yeah. It wasn't a vindictive act. Oh, yeah. If I see beef. That's so true. Case closed. If I see beef, I it wasn't a vindictive act oh yeah if I see beef that's so true

case closed yeah if I see beef fuck the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it yeah I'd warm beef up

if I saw it yeah oh salad though grains and things I would be like yeah yeah she hasn't

even thought of the possibility of someone having a similar meal she just grabbed the Tupperware, bunged it in the microwave. Yeah. I'm the only one who meal preps in this office. Then she's become aware of the error but too embarrassed.

And your dad's like, someone in the office has got a grudge against me. They're warming up my non-warmable up food. He's overthunk it. I wish I'd fucked around with this girl a bit more. I should have written back and been like, oh, that rings a bell, because one time Dad came home from work, he was in a really bad mood because he'd burned his tongue,

and he absolutely thrashed me when he got in the door. He burned his tongue. He took his belt off and gave me six of the best when he got home. Yeah. And now I know the culprit. Thanks a lot. Yeah, I was sexually abused by my dad, And now I know the culprit. Thanks a lot. Yeah, I was sexually abused by my dad and now I know why.

All right. Well, that is going to do us for another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Dave Thornton and Lloyd Langford, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having us. Thank you.

Things to plug? You're coming up Dave I'll be dropping My special soon On a little Website called YouTube Congrats

Nice to have the Tap on the shoulder there You must know Someone high up there I'm doing alright Mr Tube Yeah Please call me you

It's my brother, Red. He's batting off in the corner. To be honest, we don't talk about it at a family event. The black sheep of the family. The ten black sheeps of the family. So that'll be coming out mid-November, guys, called Don't Ask. So get on my YouTube channel, check all that out. And then it'll be touring next year, of course,

if you like the cut of that special. He's back. What's the title? Can you leak that? Yeah, Nothing's Unpossible. Great. That is the title of my show next year. Nice.

And Lloyd? I uploaded my special onto RedTube. Yeah, great. Crunk in the Hawk. Finally, because I've been jerking off over your specials on YouTube for years anyway. It's great. It's just me. Great. Crunking the horn. Finally, because I've been jerking off over your specials on YouTube for years anyway. It's good that it's found its proper home. I always,

every time I come after watching porn, I'm like, not enough laughs in that one, honestly. I wish there was a few more gags in some of this content. Yeah. It actually puts me off to hear laughter as I'm jerking off. You won't have a problem with my

laughter. But you get used to laughter during sex, am I right Carl? With your performance. Ring a ding ding. I got it. I'm jet lagged but I'm pretty sure that's about me. This guy gets it. Yeah.

Alright, well yeah, you'll have a tour coming up next. Yeah. I'm doing, like Dave, I'm doing a new show and touring and all that kind of stuff. Great. But I need to write it. Yeah. Good plug.

Good plug. Keep an eye out for that. Yeah. Lloyd's notebook. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.

See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, they have. They've had. It's been a day later. It's a day later. It's the next day, Tommy. It is.

From when we recorded the main guts of that. Yep. And now we're here in Talking Dumb Dumb and I am well slept. And I genuinely did walk out after that and have to go, where did I park? Really? Yeah, yeah. I was slightly in a different stratosphere. I feel worse today than I did yesterday.

Oh, really? So I'm glad you're back in full spirits. Right, right. Bit of yin and yang happening. Man, I woke up, I never do this. I woke up this morning at nine. The whole family woke up at 9.30 this morning. Oh, yeah.

That's weird for a family. Still on thatapore time yeah what is it two hours back yeah three yeah three yeah it makes sense it was uh it was full on but anyway uh yeah all good now um fun episode do you do you care to guess what movies i watched on the flight. Oh. It's a good game. This is a good game, isn't it? I like this game. Okay. I never do this, by the way. I flew Jetstar and I bought the movies. I never do that.

Okay. Let me think. Recent releases? Were you going into the classics section or are these like you know are these at the top top end of the app three three selections one classic two recent okay um give me give me the genres of the recents uh the genre of the recents. I'm at a time now when I travel, I don't get into anything deep. When I'm up there, I'm like, I couldn't watch the same sort of thing I'd watch down here. Yeah, okay. Interesting.

Yeah, they're two different things. Things I watch on the ground and things I watch in the sky. Okay, great. So this is more disposable. Yes. No indie art house. no no lofty concepts no subtitles no okay no no um major plane accidents no um people being sucked out of windows on planes okay if that gets rid of any any movies any choices for you yeah yeah yeah

no movies where they um crash into um Changi Airport and there's no survivors. Okay. Well, but on the way back, you'd be fine to watch that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck them all. Phew. That can't be me, possibly. Finally, I can enjoy this movie.

So I'm thinking, I'm trying to think like what are the most recent like Marvel-y, superhero-y kind of things to have come out. Oh, what about Mission Impossible? Was that on there? No. The latest Mission Impossible? No. Okay, that's annoying. Barbie? No, that wasn't on there. Not on there? A bit too recent, right?

Yeah, a little bit too recent. We're talking more start of the year. I'm never going to get this. Oh, damn. Unless there's another like you know low-hanging fruit clue you want to give me uh well because your clue i asked for a clue and your clue was it's the sort of movie i'd watch in the sky yeah well i'm surprised you haven't got it you know and you know you know what also also is the thing there i am you can't got it yet. And you know what also is a thing there? I am...

You can't remember? I can't remember. What a great game. Sounds good. Do you remember any vague... Do you remember liking it or not liking it? No, there's three movies I watched. Yep.

And I remember two of them. Okay. Yeah. The two recent ones or a recent and a classic? A recent and a classic. Okay. Did you like them? I turned one off.

Okay. Put it that way. Interesting. Yeah. Do you want to hear the turned off one? Yeah. The new Spider-Man Into the Multiverse, whatever that is. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah. Didn't like it? Yeah, no interest. Okay. Watched the first 10 minutes. I mean, I don't care about any of this. Okay. Yeah.

The classic. Classic I hadn't watched for 20 years or whatever it is, however old it is. Watched it. At the time thought, wow, this is one of the best movies. Okay. After watching it, not one of the best movies. Okay. Has not held up in my humble opinion.

Interesting. Adaptation. Oh, really up in my humble opinion. Interesting. Adaptation. Oh, really? Watched that recently? No, but I keep saying to my girlfriend we should watch it because she's never seen it and she was just re-watching All of Sex and the City and Ron Livingston's in that for a little bit. And I keep thinking about his great one line line that he has in adaptation and being like we

gotta watch adaptation sometime oh what's the one line you know where he's like he's nick cage's agent in that yeah yeah yeah and he's like midway and he's like really he's like oh man i just i'm really stressed out i can't write this book and he just cuts him off and goes see her over there yeah i fucked her in the ass last week yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That bit's held up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The actor, Ron Livingston. Ron Livingston.

Yeah. Yeah, because he then says that again later, like when he's really stressed, he's just like, yeah, she sucked my dick or something. And then he's like, what? And he goes, oh, not really. Yeah, that's right. One of the greats. Not in enough stuff. Great in office space.

One of the great movies. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's interesting that that. Not in enough stuff. Great in Office Space. One of the great movies. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's interesting that that hasn't held up because I would have thought that was just an all-time unimpeachable classic. No. Look, again, maybe it was because I was in the air. Maybe I didn't enjoy it as much because I was in the air.

Yeah. But I did not. I remember at the time thinking, man, this is fucking, this is the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now I'm like, oh, it was okay. It was okay. And, okay, so you watched all of Adaptation, you turned off Spider-Man, and... Man, I'm looking up the box office for 2023.

It's Spider-Man. I turned off a very successful movie. Yeah. Wow, it's made a lot of fucking money. Yeah. Well, it didn't make much off me. And you can't... Oh, now I figured out what it is.

You know what I watched it for? Does you buying the Jetstar iPad count towards the overall box office? Maybe. Do they divvy that up like the tip jar, like everyone gets a little slice? It might be like APRA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, someone streamed your movie in the air. Guess what?

Here's 10 cents. Yes. Well, here's 5 cents because he only watched 10 minutes of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, someone streamed your movie in the air. Guess what? Here's 10 cents. Yes. Well, here's 5 cents because he only watched 10 minutes of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Pay-per-view. Now I remember, after seeing the list of the 2023 worldwide box office, would you like to know the movie that I watched the entire thing of and didn't turn off?

And liked? And, well, hey, I watched it all. Yeah. You know what? But you watched all of Adaptation and it sounds like you didn't like that. No, I watched it all. Yeah. You know what? But you watched all of Adaptation and it sounds like you didn't like that. No, I thought it was a 10. Okay. In hindsight, it's like a 7.

Okay. 7.5 maybe. Yeah. Well, what's this recent movie that you watched all of? I watched the whole thing of. That's a good thing. Yeah. I didn't walk out of the plane.

Yeah. That's a good sign. Yeah. The movie was indiana jones and the dial of destiny oh yeah i never saw it any good it was okay okay it was okay it was a bit it was a little bit you know how the last you know what i don't think i've ever really watched the originals i don't think i've ever watched raiders of the lost ark yeah wow um one of those ones where you know things get hyped up remember the last one that came out 20 years ago when they go,

I can't believe they're making him do this. He's so old. And then 20 years later, they do another one. Yeah, yeah. Like the Rolling Stones style where in the 80s they go, I can't believe these cunts are so old. Yeah, they're still going. And they're still rocking.

Yeah. 45 years later. Yep, yep. They have a newie. Yeah, it gets a little bit, as you know from the last movie, it's a little bit Indiana Jones in the fridge. Yeah, yeah. Well, I never saw the one before this either,

but I know all about the fridge. Some movies just have moments in them that transcend having to have actually sat down and watched them. You know a moment that's so dumb that it just becomes legendary? Like I remember almost immediately hearing, this movie's fucked fucked he like hides from a bomb explosion in a fridge yeah and being like that sounds awesome yeah what's the problem yeah but like warner brothers it like blows up the fridge flies fucking yeah a kilometer in the air and then falls down and indy gets out and goes whoa there's a bit cold in there or you know whatever. Yeah. It doesn't have a comical thing like that,

but it's just the concept is just like it gets to the end and you go, oh, sorry, I thought we were having a normal conversation here. Yeah. Now we're going to do this, are we? So I don't know. I thought Indiana Jones was sort of like a cowboy fucking Casablanca sort of a thing.

All of a sudden you go, oh, now I've got eyes on my feet and feet for eyes. And you go, ah. Yeah. It does seem like one of those things. And all of a sudden you go, oh, now I've got eyes on my feet and feet for eyes. And you go, ah. Yeah. It does seem like one of those things where it's like they just kind of – they can't really do what they did back in the day because now they're competing with like – you know, for that size budget they're competing with like Marvel

and all that kind of stuff. So they have to go kind of more bigger and ridiculous than they did back in the day. Yeah. I mean, the ones that stick in my head like the scenes you know the when they're going for the holy grail it's like okay i get it that's not real yeah but that's sort of mystical and it's it's a a legend and it's in that wheelhouse of that world but then all of a sudden it's like oh my name's indiana jones and i live on neptune

now you go oh that's aliens are coming down it, can't it just be like Blackbeard's Treasure or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't Captain Neptune jump out and fucking suck you off. Can't it just be The Legend of Curly's Gold? Yes. Yeah, exactly. More doubloons and less fucking asteroids or whatever. Anyway, that's my criticisms of movies that made over $300 million this year.

Yeah, did that indie do well? I thought it didn't. I thought it had not done well. It says here worldwide, and this is American, I would assume, $383 million. Yeah, right. Across the Spideyverse, which I did not watch, nearly $700 million. Well. So nearly a billion, but for me, couldn't get through 12 minutes.

Yeah, wow. And that's in the sky with basically no other options available to you that was actually me turning off and going i might read a book now yeah the ultimate put a little light on yeah yeah the ultimate this that is so yeah not as um anyway that's um there you go there's um there's plane report yeah um i'll be more than happy to um check in again in a month's time when i get on my next international flight. And I'll let you know. I'll let you guess what I watch then. Yeah, okay.

Well, I might have to look ahead and see what's coming out and give you some recommendations of anything I've seen that would be good for in the air. Well, look, I can see the top two movies of this year that I'm sure you'll be recommending that might be out next month, which is the Super Mario Brothers movie and Barbie. Barbie, good plane movie, I reckon. Yeah. Bit of fun. Yeah. It's funny. Is it?

Yeah, it's good. Oh, okay. I think you'd like it. Yeah, especially in the air. Yeah. Yeah. I actually felt really bad because I brought three books with me, including one of your books.

Oh, yeah. And I ended up watching more movies and reading books. I thought, I'm going to be a real brainiac up here, and then got up there and went, I'm in a Jetstar flight. I've got a kid not that happy next to me. Yeah. I don't think I'll be delving too much into a novella. Which books?

Philosopher's Stone, Chamber of Secrets. Yes. Prisoner of Azkaban. You know all the names, you nerd. I really had to struggle there for a minute. I was like, wait, i think azkaban's the hang on the fourth one a minute what are my favorite books of all time again yeah that's right yeah uh well speaking of world-class comedy uh we have a patreon that you can subscribe to

uh keeps the lights on in here you get two bonus mini episodes every week for your troubles with special guests who were just on the app including uh ll Langford will be on this weekend's ones that we put out. They're great ones. Yeah. Including content where I said afterwards, we should have kept this for the main feed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So get into that. No bigger compliment I can pay.

Than this thing that people are getting for paying money. Yes. Should have gone out to the scabs for free. Yes. Yeah, it's a funny old world. I know. It's a weird thing to juggle, but that's how I feel. That's just not really by design.

These infrastructures just kind of popped up around us. Yes. And then by the time you're locked in, it's too late and you can't change it. Look, ideally, everyone that listens to this, we would have more subscribers than listen to free episodes. Yeah. So I wish it was just turned around in that way

and that would make the universe make sense hey remember when we did one a month and then COVID happened and we were like oh let's just do a couple of weeks since we've got the time

yeah and unfortunately you can't put the genie back in the bottle you can't go hey the world's open now back to one a month sorry everyone

you can't put Indy back in the fridge and shoot him back exactly thanks for your support in these trying times. But now it's time for us to spend more time not doing podcasts. Yeah. But perhaps more impressively than one episode a month or two episodes a week

is that you go into the drawer to get your name read out and immortalized in an episode of Talking Dumb Dumb. Yes. I forgot where I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's slightly confusing. Our little DDC universe. Yep.

Yeah, that's a thing. Thanks to everyone who subscribes and has subscribed for a long time and has subscribed for a short time. Here's a big thank you to recent-ish people that have never been immortalized on the show hopefully

I've done a check as far as I know that's the case this is the first time I've ever said these names out loud let alone on this show wow

I've never even said these combinations of first and second names to anyone not even in private not even in my most intimate moments with my wife have I said these names not even in private, not even in my most intimate moments with my wife have I said these things.

Not even in front of the good Lord. No. Not even in trying times. Not even when I've discovered a lump and then gone, oh, I pray to the great this person. Yeah. Please. I do. I love the idea of just, I might just start doing this in conversation, just referring

to like the good Lord, the good Lord above, the good Lord upstairs, not religious. You know what I mean? I just like, I like that in movies when there's like a religious character and they're like, well, it's not what the good Lord had laid out for me. I just kind of like that sentiment, you know? What about the opposite? I mean, you know, we were talking before the show about things and me saying you know i hope something not something bad i hope something this person doesn't get something good yeah i hope to the to the great dark lord himself downstairs yeah yeah

yeah the big man downstairs i pray yeah i pray it could really help me out yeah yeah he's got a plan for us all yeah if you could really help me out and not leave this person get this thing i promise I'll kick a dog. Yeah. I'll kick a dog. Next dog I see, boom. Straight between the eyes.

Yeah. Straight up the schnauzer. Thanks to everyone. Thank you in particular this week to the first cab off the ring. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Dermot Carney. Dermot Carney. Yeah, that's right. You heard it.

Dermot Carney. Have we definitely not done this one? Come on. Fuck, I hope not. Sound heard it. Dermot Carney. Have we definitely not done this one? Come on. Fuck, I hope not. Sound unfamiliar. Bullshit. It's sound unfamiliar. There's no fucking way.

I would remember that. You know what? I really wouldn't remember it. Well, let's refund it anyway. I mentioned this before we started recording, but I've got to crack the whip here. I've got time pressures. Yep. I've got to go pick my car up from the service centre after they fucked me around and I've

been back there three times today. Hang on. How far from my house is the service centre? It's like... Did you walk here from there? No, I got an Uber. Oh. Yeah.

It's not walking distance. Okay. It's like up on Burnley Street. Right. Not to dox you. Okay. Yeah. Well, you didn't dox me because that's not where I live.

No, but someone could figure it out. Okay. Well, we know that Carl lives not walking distance from Burnley Street. An Uber ride from. Don't put a tracer on Tommy's Uber. But what if they hacked your phone and found out? That would be good. No, we haven't said thank you to this person before.

Dermot Carney. All right. Dermot Carney. That's a great thing. He's great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Ran the Dodgems. Yeah. Yeah.

See, again, that sounds familiar. You know what? I swear to God, I've lived this before. No, you know what? Look, there's been another. Isn't that sparking anything in your memory? No. I say a lot of stuff.

Who knows? I mean, you couldn't remember a movie that you watched on a plane 48 hours ago. Yes, exactly. Exactly. No, no movies on the way home. Oh, yeah, you were trying to sleep. Yeah, I was trying to sleep. So it was only on the way over.

Well, that would have made sense if you'd watched the movie while the Valium had kicked in. That would make sense why you didn't, you know what I mean? You'd be struggling against it. Yeah, yeah. No, but anyway. Old Carney here, instead of handing out prizes, he's copped one today. He's got the prize of having his name read out. Damn it.

We've given him the fluffy toy. Yeah. We were sitting in front of him, mouths agape, moving our heads from side to side. Yes. And he just stuck a wad of cash in our little pie holes. Yes.

Thank you. Yep. Other carnival things. Yes. Stuck his dagwood dog straight into our gaping mouths. Yep, yep. Like that's the thing that happens. I went to the Melbourne show.

Did we talk about that? I can't remember. I think you did. I'm sitting next to a, I literally am sitting next to a show bag that you got from there. Yes. The actual bag itself. Yes. Yeah, it was okay.

It was fine. I was telling you this online. I took my child in Singapore, as you do with all the tourist attractions and everything, all the beautiful things you can do in Singapore. I took her to Time Zone. I was kind of surprised that Time Zone is an international brand. There's something about the name of it that just sounds so Australian, like some moronic Australian came up with.

You know what's fun? Here's some brand names that are in Asia and also in Australia that you would be surprised at, I think. Yeah. Time Zone. Yep. Harvey Norman. Yeah, that's surprising.

Harvey Norman is a big one over there. Yep. And Hogsbreath. Is it Hogsbreath? Yeah. Well, Hogsbreath is a real place. Hogsbreath is in Asia, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, okay.

But I guess then, does it almost take on the thing of like it's a- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, take it back. Not Hogsbreath. What's the one in Queensland, the buffet type one? Oh, what, like smorgies? Sizzler. Sizzler. Sizzler's over there.

Okay, I'd buy it. Sizzler's big in Asia. Yeah. Interesting. You can get Sizzler in Bangkok. My friend was telling me the other day, I never knew the story. She used to work at Harvey Norman just after she finished school. Also, by the way, fuck Harvey Norman.

I don't want to just mention it without saying, you know do not go there yeah yeah yeah she used to work there and she got a job in the computer department knew nothing about computers and some guy comes in and he's like um hey i need a new keyboard and she's like oh we actually don't sell them here but there's a music store just down the road. And he's like, no, not a piano, like a typing. And she's like, oh. And he's like, why do they have you in this department? And she's like, honestly, I don't know.

Another great ad to not go to Harvey Norman. Exactly. They're employing 19-year-olds and just sticking them wherever. I'm sure I've told this story before on the show, but years ago, so it doesn't count. When I lived in Ballarat with a friend of mine, we used to play a computer game together. And it was a soccer management game. And there was a weird bug or whatever you call it towards the end where a soccer game goes for 90 minutes. And it'd get to 90 minutes and there would be this thing where it would just,

there'd be some bug in it where a lot of the time it'd hit 90 minutes and say it was a nil all draw. Yep. It would say 90 minutes and then it would just keep going. 91, 92, 93, 94. Okay, overtime. Yeah, like it was overtime. Like it was, and you know, in a normal game you can have injury time. Yep. And you can add maybe five, six, like it was overtime. And, you know, in a normal game, you can have injury time.

Yep. And you can add maybe five, six, seven, eight minutes. But it would just literally play. Go forever. Until, and it would keep coming up and going. You know, at the end of, like, play, at the end of 90 minutes, it would be like, oh, each team had five attempts each. And then it would turn into, well, it would get stuck.

And only one team would be attacking at the end of the game. And it turned into like five attempts on one side and 55 on the other side. It would just play until they scored. So if it was in your end

and then it was a nil draw, you would add 50 attempts. It would just play until they scored. And so we would sit there and you'd just get so enraged by the fact you have to lose now

and you're just waiting for to lose yeah and then it was like my mate is on the defensive and we're sitting there and he's like going fuck this fuck what the fuck why would they do this fuck this game and it just keeps going because you know what's coming and he's just screaming at the computer and then he just and then fought like 55th attempt he they scored you fuck this game and he's picked up the keyboard and then picked up a pair of scissors and just fucking tried to like cut all the cords off it smash the keyboard great yeah absolutely takes it out on it and then we just sit there and just look at it and go okay and he goes I've got a massive assignment due tomorrow. And we go, oh, okay.

And then we like, and it's like, oh, it's five to five. And then we race down the street to go to Harvey Norman and like literally bang on the doors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you please, please open up. I'm begging you. Any keyboard. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you've got in there.

Yeah. And then actually explaining them, like saying, they're going, what's the problem? And then literally us going, we were playing a computer game and it went wrong. I got mad. So we smashed the keyboard. And now we need another one because I have a science project due tomorrow. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. We'll open up. Come on in, boys. Yeah. But it's going to cost you. And that's the last good thing that Harvey Norman ever did for anyone. Yeah, yeah. Probably does track.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks, Dermot Carney. Thanks, Dermot Carney. We got a long way from Carney, but we did have that joke to start with. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tony Johansson. Tony Johansson.

Yeah, that's right. J-O-H-A-N-S-S-O-N. My friend of mine had his heart broken by Johansson. Really? A couple of years ago. Scarlett? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Was your friend? He's, he, I'm trying to think of something funny. Benicio del Toro? She with Benicio. There was a famous story of her being quite young and him being, know just like plenty older than her and i think maybe they were at like cans film festival or something like that and the elevator opened to watch some very graphic scenes between the two of them nice yeah must be nice that's a lot to

fuck benicio yeah yeah um oh i see yes imagine no this this was a friend of mine engaged pre-lockdown, had the invite, and then obviously wedding postponed because of lockdowns. And then we were doing regular Zooms every now and then, and I was like, hey, how come his partner hasn't been in the Zooms the last couple of times? Has she been like working or people like, no, they broke off,

broke up the weddings off. I was like, wow. If it wasn't for the lockdown, the wedding probably would have gone ahead. Yeah. It was just that extra bit of time being forced to not leave the house together that they went,

you know what? Actually, I know I said yes when you got down on one knee, but now that I'm thinking about it for a little bit longer i think i actually hate you yeah yeah yeah the trial marriage of just like imagine spending the rest of life life together forever yeah uh and then you do three weeks with no one else you go nah nah not for me nah what's good about this is me having an escape. Yeah. But,

uh, but yeah, anyway, um, yeah, I think she kind of broke my mate's heart. So, yeah, I mean,

there must be so many relationships like that out there that like, I mean, look, especially look, we're from Melbourne. We live in Melbourne. It was, and especially,

I don't know if anyone else has ever heard about anyone from Melbourne complaining about, um, the lockdown during COVID because we had a particularly long one. We tend to keep it to ourselves. Yeah. It doesn't really ever come up. Yeah. I don't define myself by it. But look, it did put people under the hammer a bit that, you know, the rest of the world

probably didn't get as much of, but there must be couples that are broken up that are like, fuck, if that lockdown had opened up a couple of weeks earlier, I think we would have been still together. We would have made it. Yeah. Yeah. No, totally. Yeah.

There must be a few. I wonder if there's a few that are like that, that are like three weeks later they go, oh, sorry, sorry, baby. That was the lockdown talking. Let's get back together go, sorry, sorry, baby. That was the lockdown talking. Let's get back together now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think, well, because it goes both ways.

There were people that got together, did like Zoom dating, and then got together because it's like, oh, well, we can be bubble buddies now. And I've been single and living by myself. So anything's better than that. Yeah, right. And then it all opens up again and it's like yeah actually this sucks yeah yeah see ya yeah yeah this was fine when it was

me and you and i had no other option and then as soon as someone walked by i was like they look better than you yeah okay yeah i don't know i guess i just got a bit like swept up by going on that beautiful date where we were in a park and we were 1.5 meters apart both wearing a mask. Yeah. And it could only go for a maximum of 45 minutes because we have to factor in that we're only allowed outside for one hour. So it can't be the date goes for one hour. That's got to include travel time to and from my house.

And I hadn't seen my parents for two years. Yeah. Yeah. And I hadn't seen any of my mates for two years. And I thought that, yeah, I thought, yeah, I thought you were the one. Yeah. And also you were wearing a mask and now you've taken it off and you look fucking shit. Yeah.

I thought you were the one, but actually what you were was anyone. Yeah. I got confused. Yeah. Easy mistake to make. I thought you were the one. You were just one. Yeah.

Bye. Bye. Well, thanks, Tony. Thanks, Tony. You're handsome for inspiring that riff. I think that was funny. Yeah. Well done.

Good job, Tony. Thank you very much to Patron's Subscriber. Timothy Johnstone. Johnstone. Johnstone. Okay. Yeah. What do you think?

Hmm. John's. John. Johnstone. John Stone. Okay. Yeah. What do you think? Hmm. John's, John, John Stone. John Stone. I mean, that's the better name. That's a better name. Get Timothy out of there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go by John Stone.

Yeah, yeah. You bury the lead there. Yeah. Yeah, go by John Stone if I was you, Timothy. I mean, I think I'm on record as saying I'm not the biggest fan of the name Timothy. Even Tim. Yeah. Not for me.

Yeah. Tom, that's your name. Yeah. Bigger fan of that. Really? Bit more timber to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get you.

Yeah. Timothy especially. Yeah. Timothy's like, if you're choosing to go by Timothy, you're choosing to wear a tie when you're 11, I reckon. What's that mean well it's just like you're just a sort of a dorky sort of a you know what i mean like yeah yeah yeah precocious weird little kid yeah yeah yeah yeah i get you yeah yeah i don't timothy timothy it's like there's no you've got tim it's right in front of you.

I do agree. But also, I mean, that name really – I know it's spelled differently, but what a renaissance it's going through at the moment with Timothee Chalamet, the most desirable young man on the planet, really doing some good work to rebrand the name Tim. Present company excluded, but yeah. Yeah, I guess so. But, you know, that – But again, technically, maybe there's something to be said for the fact that his spelling of it is different.

If he was Tim Chalamet, would he be having the same success? Who can say? I've said many times on this show, Tommy, for example, if Scarlett Johansson was called Dogshit Ohansson, I'd be like, man, that's a sexy first name. Dogshit. That's pretty cool, name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog shit. That's pretty cool actually. So, yeah. Maybe if you're particularly hot out there,

you should change your name to quite a dorky first name and bring that back. See if you can single-handedly bring back Eric or, you know, whatever. Yeah, didn't we have this going for a while there a while ago where we wanted to find the hottest person with the worst name that sounds like something we've talked about in the past doesn't ring a bell but again didn't know where my car was i do think that's an interesting i do think that's an interesting challenge to try and set out to find like yeah just the worst named person right who's

the most attractive yeah yeah yeah yeah i yeah. Yeah, I would like that. Have an event with them. Be like, get a load of this. Agnes, everybody. It's really got to be someone you know. Like, I'd be very surprised if someone,

if some 11 out of 10 smoke show sent in to us and said, hi, I'm hot as fuck. My name's Myrtle. My name's Edna. I mean, just someone

hot listening to this show would be amazing. I mean, already that's the biggest obstacle in the way. So, I don't know. Timothy, I mean, maybe he's the one. I mean, maybe he's the second one. Maybe he's the one to make Timothy, spelt correctly, a hot name. Yeah, because you could argue that Chalamet doesn't count towards making Timothy hot. He's technically a different name. Yeah, because you could argue that Chalamet doesn't count towards making Timothy hot. It's technically a different name.

If you were Timothy spelt correctly, do you reckon is there any chance of you changing your name to the new spelling just to jump on the Chalamet bandwagon? I think at this point I would be. Yeah. I think I'd be rolling with it. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. I'd be rebranding myself at age 34 or whatever it is yeah yeah why not yeah and just just for the explanations it's like hang on wasn't your name spelt differently before i was

like yes well that's pretty that's so embarrassing going into the place where you go to get your name changed and handing in the paperwork and all you've done is change it from a y to two a's and just the person being like is this because of the actor? And you're like, oh, yeah. Do you want to be in June? Sort of. I mean, if you're happy to pay, then, you know, more power to you. We can't do anything about that.

It's your decision. But just so you know, this is pathetic. Yeah. This is the worst example of changing a name we've ever seen yes um yeah that would be oh you know alternatively you just start spelling it like that and everyone goes did you change your name you're like no it's always been spelled like that you've always been misspelling it tim timothy copied me yeah you you just have fucked it up. And I was too embarrassed to have to constantly say to you, this is how it's spelled.

Maybe I'll start doing that. T-O-M-M-E-E. Yeah. Yeah. Can you picture what that looks like written down in your mind's eye? That looks like shit. Tomothy. Tomothy.

Tomothy. Tomothy. Tomothy. Chalamet. That's good. Tomothy like shit. Tomothy. Tomothy. Tomothy. Tomothy. Tomothy. Chalamet. That's good. Tomothy Desolay. Yeah. All right.

I'll get on it. You know what I would be more, you know what I would love even more? The most amazing thing in the world would be this. For you to get your parents to change their last names to Desolay. Yeah, that's a good idea actually. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad.

You know the thing where always people go, oh, you know, it's like a cliche. When I'm fucking 80, I'm going to get on heroin then, because who cares? When I'm 80, I'm going to change my last name to my son's stage name. Yeah. I reckon if I'm ever going to have a chance of floating it

and getting over the line, now would be the time. Yeah. Because I can do no wrong after taking them to Paul McCartney. Oh, PMAC. It's such a good time. Really? So, yeah, I reckon they're in that glow of like, oh, what a great gift. We had such a good time.

Thank you so much for taking us. If I floated, how about you? I'll tell you one way you can show your appreciation. Yeah. Change your surnames to my stage name. one way you can show your appreciation. Change your surnames to my stage name. Oh, I would love that.

All right. Well, thanks, Timothy. Thanks, Timothy. Congrats on inspiring that. We're in good form. Look at what you can do with a decent night's sleep. Yeah. Well, I have no idea.

Oh, fuck. What happened? What went wrong? I was pretty hungover yesterday and then I just did this stupid thing where I just sat up really late in spite of being really tired. And then I had to get up and take my car to the service center just to be told. Oh, no. Had to get up to go and pick up my car just to be told to fuck off and come back later. Yeah, that's silly.

So, yeah. It's my own fault, but yeah. Sleep's the thing. Sleep's really good. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to doing it tonight. I can't wait. It's going to be so good. Man, I had a real Eureka moment this morning.

Like I said, waking up at 9.30 in the morning without anyone interrupting me or whatever, I was like, this feels amazing. This is crazy. Yeah. A pure no alarm, just actual the body being like, all right, let's see what's going on out there. I'm bored. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Thanks, Timothy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Stuart Wilson. Stuart Wilson. Poor real line of length to go in number four. You spoke too soon about us being in good form. Yeah. We've got our work cut out for us here.

Well, he's time to prove it. Yeah. This is, well, look, if this is like a cricket lineup, this would be about right. You need Stuart Wilson. You need a solid sort of number four second drop. There's two wickets in. Yeah. You've lost two wickets early.

You need someone to step in and steady the show. Yeah. Put on 60 runs in 110 balls. No idea about any of what you've just said, but I agree. I'm aware. Couldn't agree more, I assume. Yeah. I come completely with you, maybe.

Yeah. So, yeah, it's Stuart, S-T-U-A-R-T, as in. So, yeah. It's Stuart, S-T-U-A-R-T as in the mouse, little. Oh, yeah. Okay. You ever watch that movie?

Never. Okay. No. That'd be a good one for your kid at one point at some point when she's ready. You're right.

Maybe I should, maybe I should, next time I get on a plane, before I take off, I'll just screenshot All the Just take a photo Of all the movies on

And then go Give me three And then I have to watch the three Oh that's a good idea Yeah But you can I mean Like

Do you ever do this Every now and then On an international flight You get on the website And you You get a bit of a look At their At their line up

I like to know I don't Really I like a bit of a surprise on there. Because again, I'm not a huge movie watcher on there. I'm a big one for, I barely use it.

I'll load up the iPad with stuff I've been meaning to get around to. And it's often I'll check what they've got on there just so I'm like not bothering to like get something

that I'm already going to be able to watch on there. If that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is great when you're like, oh shit, yeah, that thing from like three months ago that i never got around to seeing that's on here no i went full egghead and brought three books on my carry-on and then went well there's a kilo i could have fucking put some other underwear in so i wasn't washing them in the

shower every fucking day in singapore yep yeah what books elton john the book no the book that you lent me about the 90s. Oh, yeah. Who's that written by? Chuck Klosterman. Yes, yes. So I actually read about, I don't know, 100 pages of that on the plane. That's actually something I did.

What do you think? Yeah, it's good so far. I'm enjoying it. But again, again, there's something about being on the plane where it makes it super hard to be serious and take things in where it's like, I should have brought some Mickey Mouse comic books or something. Reading on the planes a bit, like with your armrest space and everything too, it's a little kind of cramped in. I don't know.

Yeah, I brought some comedy books and, yeah, I just didn't do it. Yeah. Just thought, you know what? Too busy watching. These 12 minutes of Spider-Man aren't going to watch themselves. Yes. Too busy turning my nose up at a movie that grossed nearly $500 million. Yeah.

So, yeah, on the way home, as I talked about. Yeah, it was just night-night time except for being in the prison of my own body. Yeah. Having that much Valium and then just sitting there. And every now and then looking at other people asleep and going, how do they do it? And me just scrambling around in my own body going, how can I possibly go to sleep and avoid having the person face planted next to me on the fucking fold down tray? There's very few things. I was having a night the other night where I was like really tired

and couldn't get to sleep. And then I would like sort of drift off. My girlfriend would start snoring. Then I would drift off again. My dog would fucking be walking around doing something. It was just like every time I came within an inch of sleep, just like something would wake me up. And then I would just struggle to get back to sleep.

And I was just like, you know what? It's like it hits you you're too scared to check the time but you're like it's got to be three or four o'clock and i've not had a wink and then you just you start spiraling because now you're spinning yourself out and you're getting agitated about it so it's like i literally am going to go the entire night without having any sleep and then you're like do i just cut my losses and just get up and watch a movie or read a book or something? I was just having an absolute shocker where I was like just in the depths. Truly nothing worse than just being like,

why is it this hard to just lie down and close my eyes and be unconscious? Why is it so difficult tonight? I've done it every other night for the rest of my life. People do it on accident. Yeah. Yeah. It is a magic trick though, really, isn't it? You go, I'm just going to fucking shut down my system.

Yeah. I'm not touching a button. I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute and try not to think about things. Yeah. It's one of those things where, like I said, I Yeah anyway Who cares but It's like me trying to teach my Daughter how to blow her nose When you start Saying it out loud

All you have to do is Fuck how do you put this into words What's like if you said to someone Yeah it's like if If you were trying to say to someone How do you walk Yeah It's like I don't know

You just I don't know You just brain I can do Can you do this Like the Donald Duck impression? I was doing that to someone the other day and they were like, how are you doing that? And I was like, I honestly have no idea.

Like you're pushing some air through the side of my mouth, I guess. Now that's talking. How do you whistle? Yeah. Purse your lips. Yeah. And then blow. Force air out of it.

Yeah. I don't know, man. Yeah. It's hard. Force air out of it. Yeah. I don't know, man. Yeah. It's hard. Life's hard. Life's really hard. Whistling, sleeping. Comedy.

Yep. Yep. Well, thanks, Stuart. Thanks, Stuart Wilson. Thanks for being an invaluable stalwart within these innings of Patreon reads. And look, time's against you, Tommy. You better go and pick up your car. I have to go pick up my car because I also have to get up in the morning and take my dog somewhere.

So if I don't get my car back... Oh, to the farm? If I don't get my car back today, I will be fucked. Uh-oh. Now we've got a little inspection, don't we? Oh, you're going to hide the dog down a well. Hide the dog, yeah. Okay, right.

Okay, spot. Spot the dog. Okay, one more. Thank you very much to Patron's Subscriber. Oh, okay, that's interesting. It's similar to something else we said before. Thank you very much to Patron's Subscriber, MrComedy. C-O-M-E-D Double E

Oh wow Yeah The new cool spelling Yeah the really hot That really hot comedian Yeah yeah Mr Comedy Yeah and like before

When you'd see people Called comedy And you'd go Oh my god Yuck yeah Bit dorky Bit of an uggo Good thing they've got

A sense of humour Yeah Because this guy's a six Yeah for this guy But not this guy He's got it all This is the first Mr Comedy I've ever wanted to suck their dick off

Funny and fuckable Wow Okay, that's good Alright everyone Thanks for listening Congrats everyone on getting that I don't know 45 minutes of content

Whatever that was Yeah, well done Well played I think you did a good job Nice listening Yeah, good for you for picking this show Yep LittleDumbDumbClub.com For the tickets we have coming up Live shows Perth You actually have to get on it right now I think you did a good job. Nice listening. Yeah, good for you for picking this show. Yep.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets we have coming up. Live shows, Perth. You actually have to get on it right now. It would really, you'd be doing me a personal favor. It's no disaster, but fuck, it's so much less than last year. Yeah. So just, look, it wasn't all of Andrew Wolfe's fault. We'll have different people.

They're really good guests. Yeah. And then, yeah, we've got Melbourne coming up and you guys will work that out. Yeah. Figure it out. Thanks, everyone. Goodbye.