The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 683 - Nick Cody & Luke Heggie

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

We're joined once again by the Mid Flight Brawl boys NICK CODY and LUKE HEGGIE! Dassalo's got a huge piece of news about his upcoming flight to Perth, Heggie's judged a talent contest, Cody's taken umbrage with some of Karl's recent travel stories on the pod, and Karl's been battling the general public at his gigs. Plus, Tommy's found the world's biggest Air BnB DVD library and uncovers a repressed memory live on air!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick, Cody and Luke Heggie. We have got a live show coming up in beautiful downtown Melbourne, the greatest city in the world. November the 25th, Saturday November the 25th. In the afternoon, 4pm Tommy. Yeah, at the Basement Comedy Club. Great guests, come and check that out, littledumdumclub.com. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum, but until then enjoy this great new one with with Nick Cody and Luke Heggy.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dumb, dumb club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. I'm with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler and joining us today, two very special guests from Midflight Brawl.

Please welcome Nick, Cody and Luke Heggy. Yay! Good on you, boys. Made it. You do a podcast. Well done. Yeah. Someone has to.

Yeah. It's all right. Mate, it was doing very well until a couple of weeks ago we had US comedian superstar Tim Dillon on. And the Midflight Brawl fans and Tim Dillon fans, we found out two very different groups of people. Really? What, just slightly different neckbeards?

There's a bit more, who the fuck are these two Australians? Let Tim rant. You know where he does that, the Tim Dillon show. What did ours say? Fuck off. No, it was just me. Yeah, it's just oh just yeah stay silent so you got some of his fans come in and listen to you guys and they were not having it they were not they were not enjoying you guys talking on your own show dan that is very rude somebody did say why are they talking about planes again i, I can't.

Imagine fucking Brad Pitt going on the Tonight Show and people going, just let him say the lines from Seven. He's not doing Seven right now. You fucking idiot. What's in the box? He could do that. He could do a fucking good What's in the box. What's in the box? Fucking terrible.

We discussed this. This is overacting, that. It was fucking appalling. Yeah, Heggie thinks Brad Pitt at the end of Seven, spoiler alert, where he says what's in the box, realising it's his pregnant wife's head. Heggie thinks he's overacting. Hang on. He got too upset.

Heggie would have been like, oh, come on. Well, if he already knew, why was he asking? Plus, no, it's just over the top. That would be Heggie. You've got to do that. Shane there? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Yeah, that'd be right. Of course you did. Is she in the box? I can see why people get mad at your podcast if this is what you're talking about. This has nothing to do with airline travel. It's just an extended rant about Brad Pitt. But I watched it on a plane, so that ties it all in. Are you a plane movie watcher?

Not particularly, no. No, he is one of those memes that you see occasionally where it's like, I sat next to a guy from Brisbane to LA and he didn't have a water or a coffee or a beer, he just stared straight forward directly. Just making a mental list of his enemies. Not even have a seat in front, just at the ground. Have the empty tray. The Scatman Crothers in The Shining just flying back to the hotel,

just freaking out. Well, how much fucking time do you get on your own in this crazy mixed-up world you're currently in? You? Heaps because you're on the road 11 and a half months a year, mate. Fucking living the dream. You're never really on your own though, are you? That's what he's doing.

He's staring at the back of the seat trying to remember his children's names. It's been 11 months since he's laid eyes on them. How am I supposed to remember mine? I speak French. I remember not using a dinger and then it's all blank after that. I can't remember what comes next. I remember Turalgon and Toowoomba, but after that, is that the names of the kids?

Well, something that's in your guys' wheelhouse, straight after we do this, I'm going to the airport, flying to Perth to do a live podcast. Now, may I ask you, you seem like a gentleman of good sense and class. You dress very nicely. Thank you. You've got good taste. Yep.

Are you flying Jetstar? I'm flying Virgin. There you go. Yeah. I'm flying Virgin. Like a man of success. And I'm doing something that a first There you go. Yeah. I'm flying virgin. Like a man of success. And I'm doing something that a first time for me.

Yeah. I did the. You're going to throw your kids' toys out at the airport? No. Because you've overpacked? I feel like. And instead of throwing your own. I feel like Cody really wants to get in here before this. Yeah.

Even I've heard of this. What's in the box? Cocoa melons, hair No, we'll get to that But I'm doing something for the first time I bid Bid on the upgrade Using con

The gavel's gone down No Dasolo's in No way My first ever domestic business class This is one of these things I thought did not exist It's like, you know What do you have to do then, this person won the lottery today.

You can't just bid a dollar and hope for the best, can you? Well, you can, but you're not going to get it. You can go really low. You can go the lowest possible or you can attempt with points. They give you like a little speedometer thing where you're like putting in what you're prepared to pay and it's like a little needle and it'll be like bad. And it's like you can try and put this in but you're not going to get it. So what have we bid?

What have we bid to win it? What's the trick? What's the secret? Can we do it? And if Price is Right is over, I'm going to guess to Perth, even if you went the worst, 320. Oh, what? I'm going to guess 80.

Fuck, I'm going about 130. $2,500. Not bad. Hang on, what? I love doing comedy No, the problem was the number wasn't ridiculous enough Yeah, exactly I was like, oh, that's total Let's workshop this

Now, what's a funny number? $69 $69,000? Oh, yeah Because then you get in the $69 And then it's also funny because you think that's a funny number? $69. $69,000? Oh, yeah. Because then you get in the 69 and then it's also funny because you think that's a small amount to have put in. They let you be the pilot. Yeah. This guy's hilarious.

If you bid $69,000 and the next highest bid's $320, will you get it for $321? No. Or are you committed to your $69,000? No. And that's why what I find funny about that little mechanism they have there, you know, make the bid. And if you go to the lowest, and say the lowest is 200 on a flight,

Melbourne and Perth, and it says very bad. And you go, I'm very bad. You're the cunt with no one in a business class. I'd take the 200. You're the one that's installed gambling on aircraft. It is. It's so much more tempting to just put in, to only ever put in what is like the lowest possible amount

because the satisfaction of getting that when the company has actively tried to say to you, no, you're not going to get it. I think they'd just rather it empty. If you're the only bidder and you put 25 cents in, they'd rather tell you to fuck off. Kick the shit out of your bag and send it to Darwin. Because then you'll go online and go, guess what? I only bid $0.25 and I got it.

Then everyone's doing it. Then everyone's doing it. Rather than have them like walk past you in the seat and be like, well, well, well, not a very good bid, is it? Well, who's got their legs up? Me. You're fucking snorting your food, though. What did we bid?

What's the extra bid? $3.50. Oh, bang. You bid $3.50. Bang, I told you and that's for what just for business class yep

an extra 350 extra 350 is that worth it yes well we'll find out yes yes it is throwing out

your kids toys at Singapore airport yes spend money there we go spend money and don't you fucking chirp up

I just got him business class Hobart to Brisbane the other week and he was living it up, having his little green Thai curry in the sky. Oh, yeah. I enjoyed it. When I put in like the here's what my bid is, here's what I'm prepared to do, I knew we were doing this beforehand and I was like, honestly, a bit more than I'd want to spend, but worth it for the content and endearing myself to Hedgy

with the podcast that we're doing right before the flight. To Cody, not to Heggie. Oh, sorry, to Cody. No, I think it's a disgrace. Heggie can fucking walk to Perth to save $320. No, mate, I've got my fold-up bike. I'll see you in eight days. So this is my first time doing – I've done business internationally a couple of times,

like on someone else's dime, but never domestic. I remember you were the first one, the 2012 Olympic Games. You were in an ad and you got flown over and came back and regaled us with stories about business. You may have been the person that has set off my life long. Really? You were the radioactive spider to Cody's fucking mental imbalance with the airlines.

Hold on. Mental imbalance is a fuck, man. Am I throwing out my kids' toys at Changi Airport or am I having a glass of whiskey, you know? So prepare me. What I would love to be able to do is. Do you have gigs tonight? No.

Get maggot. So number one, you get maggot. Okay, get maggot. I don't know. It's going to be, what time's your flight? It's over lunch. That's better than breakfast. It's three o maggot. Okay, get maggot. I don't know. It's going to be what time is your flight? It's over lunch. That's better than breakfast. It's 3 o'clock.

Yeah, so you'll get a full lunch service. All right. What? You get like, is there an upgraded virgin lounge? Is that what it is? No, no, no. It's just a virgin lounge. Just the same lounge.

It's not like Qantas with the business lounge. Thanks for asking. What I would like to do is be able to take a walk back into economy and go to the seat I was going to be in and just see if anyone's in there and be like, this was almost me. You certainly can. Great.

Yeah, I stare them down. Do a little drive-by. Yeah, I do like a povo-hucker towards the back of it. Have you done a short business class? Have you done Melbourne to Adelaide? I did a Melbourne to Launceston the other week. Business class. Now, the reason I got it is because he...

Jesus Christ. No, no, no, hear me out. That's not even enough time for the seat to go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hear me out. It wasn't my choice. You couldn't even fucking chew up cashews that time. They just poured red wine in my mouth as I got on the plane

and I swallowed it as the wheel steps down. No, so we were flying. We were meant to do gigs with Tim Dillon in Perth and Adelaide and they got cancelled and I'd used points to upgrade to Perth. Qantas gave me the points back but they hold on to five. Like, oh, bad luck, you didn't take the flight. Five points? No, 5,000 points.

Just five? Whatever. But then when I flew Melbourne to Launceston, they just gave us an upgrade. Okay. Yeah, we didn't want to dog you on the points. I got to the airport this morning and I said, is there any earlier flights?

Because I was prepared to get here for this by hook or by crook. Thank you. So I got up early. You got up early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he got up early.

He hasn't talked for the last ten minutes. But he's, you know, he's made a commitment. You made great time on the unicycle, did you? I said, yeah, there's one seat left on this plane. You can have it. I looked at the thing. Yeah, I'll have that. 2B.

I thought, fuck, I'm in here. Yep. No business class on the plane. Oh, really? What do you mean? Virgin? Yeah. Oh, is it one of those near the max?

Yeah. That's sick. Yeah, they've got. I'm nearly. I get on this flight and they're like, no, you've just bid those near the max? Yeah. That's sick. Yeah, they've got. I nearly. If I get on this flight and they're like, no, you've just bit on the exit row. Yeah. You're next to the toilet. Oh, yeah, right, right, right.

Yeah. No, that's great. I love that shit, though. Not to be. I love that, though, getting there early and asking to change flights. Yeah, it's good. That's so good. Oh, well, again.

It's good. Fuck, sorry to bring it back to the episode from the other week. No, please. Go for it. Hengi, I know you're a few years behind on the Dum Dum Club. Yeah. They were flying back from Singapore. I was.

Me and my family, yes. A couple of episodes ago. Yep. Her shall not be named and blanket. Yeah, my wife and child, yeah. And what your plan was to try and get, what, a seat in between you? Yes. Was you booked an aisle, a window,

and then another window in front of that aisle where you had the window and the aisle? Yes. Now, I don't want to tell you about size and space. Welcome him to the world. Yeah. But when you've got a four-year-old, the middle seat is pretty much space

because the person that's taking up the middle seat is four. Yes. Not 40. No, I understand. Not a fat fuck with elbows squishing India, a four-year-old. I didn't understand shapes and physics before now. By the way, I love Cody, you were in the press recently for telling block contestants, I don't engage with that rot that you're on, but you are actively engaging with this content.

No, listen to me. I listen to Little Dum Dum club because it's fun. More low rent than people asking over renovating houses. You reckon? No, this is way more work. This is like arguing, no, I don't eat shit like Hungry Jacks. I eat Red Rooster. My body's a temple.

You say that. Before going to your gig last week at Basement Comedy, I hadn't had dinner and I go, there's a Red Rooster, Mount Alexander Road. I'll swing past, get a little chicken wrap, a little chicken wrap or roast chook wrap. And I went in and ordered it and they said, sorry, one sec. And then I hear some yelling and I drive up to the window to collect it

and they said, sorry, sir, we're out of chicken. Fantastic. I love that. I've seen that at the KFC on Bourke Street, but just like a printed out sign stuck on the window. Sorry, guys, we're out of chicken. And it's like, oh, but the doors are still, you can still come in. You can still come in.

But do they run out of pieces of chicken or everything? They run out of the popcorn and the fucking sheets and everything. Go home. Close the store and go home. Can I have a cheese sandwich? No, I was just here for a KFC crusher. Yeah. Just a moose, thanks.

One of the big shakes, yeah. No, so as I explained, the plan was two window seats. Yes, I know you can have three in a row, but that means one of us has to have the aisle as you go to sleep. And so I was trying to have both me and my wife get window seats so that we could both sleep. But then you've got your child unprotected by. But that was the gamble was, as we said, the gamble was,

who's going to pick a middle seat? Who's going to pick that middle seat up the back? I don't think the gamble there is who's taking the middle seat. The gamble is who's the stranger on the other side of my child. That's the true gamble. Well, at least I got some shut-eye though. She's never going to be able to sleep again for the rest of her life. No, but as I said, I then got moved up the back

and then I didn't sleep anyway. I didn't even get a window. Why did you get moved up the back? Because then I said this couple of times. It's Jetstar. It's all the back. The whole plane's back. No, but like the actual back seats.

They kicked me out of my first class suite. What are you talking about? Up the back there was three or four empty seats in a row, like a whole aisle. And I was like, and the steward goes, yeah, you can just sit up there, like after the plane takes off. And I'm like, awesome, I'm going to lie down and have four seats. And then when I come back.

It's the kid. When I come back, he woke me up. I had Valium. I have a ton of Valium. I'm asleep. He wakes me up. I'd had Valium. I had a ton of Valium. I'm asleep. He wakes me up. I go up the back. He goes, yeah, jump in your seat.

I get up there. He's done the same thing to four other blokes. I'm sitting up with a chopper's aisle. Or just letting them get away from their children, their unintended children. Yeah, he's just moved everyone around and tricked them into thinking they're going to lie down in their seats. It's just me fucking shoulder to shoulder with some other fucking cretin.

It's such a beautiful story because you're already getting roasted for it and then your defence is, keep in mind, I was on drugs as well. No, that wasn't a defence. That was me trying to endear myself with you. I was asleep. Poor me. Did you woof a Wall Street just a Caprio out of the car down the aisle just crawling and drooling?

Yeah, it was a bit of that. But that is Jetstar almost, that's their business plan. It's like, come on. It's a dollar, come on. One person thinks, what a bargain, not realising they've offered that to everyone. I should have bid $5 for those seats at the back. What I don't get is you're doing well and you continue with this

and I don't think you're a tighter. I don't think you're a tighter. You don't? I don't know. I don't think it's tighter. I heard you bit a fucking doll's head off to teach your daughter a lesson about the value of money in the airport recently. I don't think it was quite that.

Yeah? It was more... His daughter Kelly. He's still an Aussie Osborne with quite that. Yeah? It was more... His daughter Kelly. His daughter Ozzy Osbourne with the bag. Yeah, right. No, we had to chuck out stuff because we had the other bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you chose?

Her toys. The four-year-old's toys. We did ask her. We did ask her. Which toy do you want us to execute? Are these okay to go with you? Kids always say yes in a headlock. Yeah.

No, you're right. You're right. Look, there's something with airlines where I'm like, I don't want to. I'm happy to spend whatever. Hey, Blanket, I know there's a teddy bear that you need for sleep every night, but I've got some fake Nikes when I was here, and that full box needs to go in the bag.

Was it all carry-on? You were just carry-on? No. No, we had one. Oh, you had to check in the bag was it all carry on you're just carry on no no we had one i had to check in that was the problem was it we had you know what it was we went over and my wife just bought too much shit and it was like we've got a big bag we've got carol and whatever it is and then she's bought heaps of shit and i'm like and i pick up the bag on the way back to the airport and i go what are you thinking here there's you know what are you allowed 22 kilos or 23 or something? Man, I go three bags with 23 kilos each because I'm platinum. But, yeah, continue.

Continue Jetstar bullshit. Man, get pretty close for kids. Pack a full of dumbbells and shit just for something to do. What are you bringing? What are you bringing, though? My child's toys back home. How much shit do you need to do? That's what I'm bringing.

What do you need to bring them? She can play with them. You've swapped a bear for repressed memories later. No, but you're in Singapore. She can play with a lizard or something. We're not bringing too much over there. You don't need a dolly. Here's a Komodo dragon.

Furby being lowered into the bin just going, please spare me. No, we've been talking a lot on this show lately about my child, about her obsession with... I shit the bed when I was in Thailand. This was another South East Asia trip. This was another South East Asia trip.

That was earlier in the year. The recent one was a week ago. Not to be confused with the one I'm going on next week. He's going back to Thailand. Back to South East Asia again. On your own? Next week. No. No, with? Next week. No.

With a credible person. Right. Milan. Even worse. Even worse than by yourself. I look forward to seeing that laptop that he's got in front of him on border security as they go, just to be safe we're going through the hard drive. It's too many trips for one man in his 40s to take. Extract the hard drive and send it home

separately. Many trips for one man in his 40s to take. You extract the hard drive and send it home separately. He gets escorted home on his own flight. Yeah, it's got its own seat. That's what Heggie told Ben Robert Smith recently. Mate, if you need to hide a hard drive, just call me. I'll tell you how to do it.

Always leave it offside. Like Air Force One, don't travel with the hard drive i i shit the bed in in thailand right and then i made the mistake thinking you know my kid's young enough she won't care this will go in one ear and out the other i go hey blanket i shit the bed i did a poo in the bed and she that's her whole life now every every conversation there is has got to do with daddy doing a poo in the bed she's told everyone she knows she's told everyone on the street she's told everyone whatever now it's got to the point and we've talked about this a fair bit but we've got to the point now where she's that obsessed with it that it's actually taught her the like wrong life lessons like you know i know that in

i know that it gets to a certain age where kids you know will have little habits or little regressions or whatever it is she started you know wetting herself again at age four and we're sort of like oh it's like a little sort of a thing you know a phase that she's going through but then it's like happened too many times where i've sat her down and gone hey what's going on here and she's like oh i don't have my teddy anymore no no it's sort of like what does it matter and i'm like and i'm like going hang on is this is this because i've made it cool to like shit to shit the bed's like, ah, well, Daddy shits the bed. You didn't march it back and go,

I was just joking about shitting in the bed. It didn't happen. It was just a thing. I've tried that a little bit. She's like, nah. I smelled it. I saw it. And I can only imagine.

She was there. She was in the bed. No. Oh. No. No, but she knew all about it because as soon as I got up, I was like, I was just killing time going, like, she's like. Just shit in the bed, man.

Just killing time. She's crying. I'm like, what will make her happy? Daddy did Just shit in the bed, man. Just killing time. She's crying. I'm like, what will make her happy? Daddy did a poo in the bed. Yeah. That is excellent. A bed shit smells worse than, like, you know, the worst shit in the world ever in a toilet will never smell as bad

as a bed or a floor shit. And this is in Phuket. And this is, like, forced out of me through a charcoal tablet. So, yeah, there's a lot of bad stuff going on. Is that Confucius? Bed shit smell worse. The worst shit in the world in a toilet won't smell as bad as one in a bed. Just that text on a photo of a waterfall.

It's the sound of one-arsed sheep. If someone shits the bed and a four-year-old isn't around to see it, did he really shit the bed? So I'm having proper talks with my daughter now where she's literally pissing her pants every day and me having to sit down and go. And I literally did it the other day. So she pisses her pants. We go into the bathroom and I go, listen.

And I sit her there and we go, Ida, go, Ida. And I go, listen. I know it's all we've been talking about, know Wees and boos And that's all funny And whatever But you have to seriously You know better than this You've been You don't need a nappy

You're not a baby Or anything like that You've been doing this And she's like Hmm And I'm like We've got to really try hard Every time you need to go to the toilet

You need to say Daddy I need to go to the toilet And let's go to the toilet I've seen you have this exact speech With Kappa After basement comedy Word for word

Verbatim Yeah So I go You really need to do this And she's looking at me And I go Yeah okay Okay go to the toilet. I've seen you have this exact speech with Kappa after Basement Comedy Club. Word for word, verbatim. Yeah. So I go, you really need to do this. And she's looking at me and I go, yeah, okay, okay. And we're in the bathroom because I've got to have to shower her because she's just pissed at me. So we have this talk and she goes, yes, right, okay. We go in there and then she's in the shower.

I'm washing her in the shower. She goes to get out. She goes, just one more minute, daddy. And I go, what are you doing? And she goes, ah, just mucking around. And then as she's looking me in the eye She goes Oh I'm just mucking around

As she bends over And takes a shit in the shower Looks me in the eye As she takes a shit in the shower And then And I go What are you doing And she's like

She literally goes No big deal And I'm like Yeah this is on me This is definitely on me I mean reason hasn't worked You've got to rub the nose in it. Well, I wish my wife had to rub my nose in it to start with.

Don't talk about this again. She's opened show and tell today describing a waffle stomp. Yeah. I presume that's kicking a turd down the grate. Yeah, squashing a shit down the grate. That's nice. Man, of course your kid's going to... My five-year-old, maybe a year and a half...

I've been obsessed by shit for about three years. I reckon a year and a half ago I was changing the young one's nappy and got a bit of shit on my finger when he kicked his leg and I went, oh, I've got poo on my finger. Still poo finger. Your name's poo finger now. Poo finger. Oi, poo finger.

Papa Warty. Bomber was wee leg. My mum was wee leg because Maxie got a bit of wee on her leg. Yeah, wee leg, poo finger. Wait, poo finger. Pop a whity. Yeah. Bomber was wee leg. My mum was wee leg because Maxie got a bit of wee on her leg. Yeah, wee leg, poo finger. It's just, it is funny. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? No. The comedy mind of the Cody gene.

So what's the strategy from, is this a thing you should be alarmed about? This like complete regression of toilet stuff then you just got to write it out oh yeah but you know my wife is very much like oh you can't say anything to him because then they get like issues later on in life it's like anything these days yeah yeah yeah she got an issue later on in life i'm like oh so do we just let her shit and piss everywhere yeah is that the other oh she'll have this weird issue where every time she needs to go do a shit she'll walk into a little private room and close the door and do it away from everyone else in society.

She'll have an issue every time she shits in public at fucking lunchtime in a park. She'll be like, oh, that's right. Daddy yelled at me for doing that. I better not do that. She'll have a real issue. Oh, fuck, sorry. That would be awful.

Yeah. So, no, the other day I think I fixed her So the other day We had to have a talk And I go Well you know what happens If you keep doing this That's fine

You do whatever you want But we do have to I have booked you in For the doctors And we Oh Jesus We are There is a needle

And I showed her There's a needle Like about two foot long And that has to go up your bum And that fixes you So it's all good You don't have to worry about it. Sweet.

Like you don't even have to try to stop pooing or weaning yourself. I showed her the movie Saw and said one of these will happen to you. You'll be caught in a room in two. You're probably wondering why you're here. And said if you don't stop doing this, something big is going to go up your bum. But it's fine. It's a needle. It's a doctor's needle.

That's how you solve conflicts on this podcast with me. Needle up the bum bum. Upload the episode now or I'll fuck you in the ass. And then he deliberately doesn't upload the episode so I don't know. Yeah, exactly. Leave me no option. I'm playing 4D chess. By the way, that last sentence that you just yelled

out, upload the episode or I'll fuck you in the ass, we are in a built... I think it is soundproof windows. We're in a booth downstairs from Fox FM and there's legitimate business happening in a lot of these boardrooms. This is business. Yeah, I'm at work. Yeah, that's true.

He's flying business class later. Yeah, exactly. People are saying worse stuff than this on air upstairs at Triple M. This is Triple Yeah, exactly. People are saying worse stuff than this on air upstairs at Triple M. This is Triple M, mate. Yeah, I have, like, would you actually take, because I have this

like weird memory of being a little kid and my dad taking me to get an enema. Oh, yeah. It's a bizarre memory. Yeah, yeah. But it's like,

but the more I dig into the memory, I'm like, oh, is there, because it wasn't, it was like a doctor's, like it was a doctor's house where you just went to this guy who lived around the corner memory, I'm like, oh, is there? Because it wasn't, it was like a doctor's, like it was a doctor's house. We just went to this guy who lived around the corner.

And I'm like on a tarp. Uncle doctor. With a pipe up my ass and I'm just going, and I'm like, what's happening? How old were you? Why has this pipe got veins on it? This is fucking weird. They're filming it. I shoot them for a documentary on enemas.

What the fuck? What are you getting, what for? I. I assume for a documentary on enemas. What the fuck? What are you getting? What for? I think I was like, I don't know. I had to go in the middle of the night. Yeah, eight or nine. I hadn't done a shit for like a year. I was backed up and it was the same thing.

It was like, hey, you're going to have to go to the doctor. And then like I assume, but it's like I think it was like so traumatic that I just have this snippet of being facedown and something goes into my ass and seeing my dad over the other side of the room and being like, what's happening? And him being like, I'm sorry, it's all going to be okay. I mean, look, I assume enema. Maybe there's some deep conditioning that's happened.

What flag did he raise on the pole that day? Brown. Yeah, at half mast. Couldn't get all the way in. Yeah, that's awesome. Sounds sus. Yeah. I don't want to tell you how to use your memories,

but stop looking at the wall. Yeah, it sounds fine apart from someone's house. Yeah, it's the like, I'm fine for it to be fully buried. I'm fine to know all the details and deal with that. It's the snippet that gets you. Was the hose green? Was it a green hose? This will make a difference.

Was someone trying to siphon his shit? Was someone sucking it out? Because they didn't want to pay for their own shit. Did they turn you into a bong? No, it was like a clear, clear little action. Oh, clear. That's nice because you want to see it. You don't want it covered up.

Well, you've got to know it's actually coming out, that I'm not just lying to sound cool. Yeah, shit's being funneled out of me right now. Actually, you want to make sure something's coming out and not going in. You want to see the action. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it must be nice, yeah, yeah. And it must be nice, finally, now that you've remembered this,

to have cancer being knocked down to number two. The worst things to happen to you as a kid. I think they were in pretty short succession. Yeah, yeah, right. It was a huge couple of years. And then nothing happens, and then business class. Yeah. One of those evolution maps. All you see is like the tadpole in the water. Yeah. I'm going to be one of those evolution maps All you see is like the tadpole in the water

Yeah I'm going to be one of those people Various things up your ass in the middle And all of a sudden you're up right walking I'm going to be one of those people Just chewing the ear off of the person next to me on the flight Just like someone else next to me Tell them about this

Four hours to Perth Get to relax maybe Watch a movie And then I'm like Yeah I got a hose put up my ass What do you reckon was happening? Yeah Do you think I got bummed?

Do you think that's what was actually happening? Oh, what's that? You said you're a doctor. Oh, great. Can I get some advice? Oh, that'd be good on the plane. Is there a doctor on board? Or is it a medical emergency?

No, but when I was eight, I had a hose up my ass. What was that all about? Is there a psych on board? He's having an episode. He needs some couning right now. Oh, God. Well, I just went away for the weekend with my parents, speaking of. Jesus Christ.

For the anniversary of the host? Mum's 70th, so we went away to Hepburn Springs for a couple of nights, stayed in an Airbnb, beautiful Airbnb, with maybe the biggest collection of DVDs I've ever seen in my life. The most massive shelf you could possibly imagine. Took a little photo of the shelf in question. Look at that. How's that for a fucking DVD library in an Airbnb?

That's a blockbuster. Oh, my. Yeah, pretty crazy stuff. But, like, frustrating in the sense that there'd be full sets of movies but just with one missing. You know, just like all the Harry Potters but just one not in there. Yeah. Two copies of Misery.

Great stuff. Yeah. Next to each other? Like with like catalogues? Yeah, next to each other. Yeah. And the most dense list of instructions I've ever seen in an Airbnb in my life. Like instructions on everything

like big manual yeah big manual that had um a list of a full page of instructions of how to use the seat outside on the balcony yeah just like oh yeah it's got a cover on it unzip that and then um the seat will just be there for you to use so you can sit in that and um you know there's a cushion for you and uh you can sort of just look out onto the garden and um yeah then you're undercover so if it rains you'll be safe and once you're done with the seat you can just put the cover back on it i'd fucking leave i can't stand that crazy worst fucking patronizing things having rules and books yeah how to sit down fuck off everything had a label on it like how to open the fridge door,

literally everything. I think we were in. I don't mind some little tips because occasionally you go to one of those, you know those hotels, like a mantra or something, where it's like a hotel but apartment, and the dishwasher has been used so many times that all the labels have rubbed off. So occasionally a little book with a line. There's a band-aid with some texture on it with a fucking on. That's fine. If it's not intuitive

Fair enough Instructions for the seat But then It had one of those Like induction stoves No list of instructions Of how to use that So it's like

How the fuck do you get This plate of glass To get hot Those instructions Have been up for so many Different people Because if you've got A collection of DVDs

Like that That's been an Airbnb Since you could be fucked with dvds yeah yeah yeah so someone must like so many people have seen these instructions and gone okay well then or was there a complaint that set it off oh there was some unknown four legged object down on the balcony that we stared at i was standing up all weekend what the fuck was i supposed to do there's this big long flat thing in one of the rooms. Anyway, I didn't sleep all weekend. Where's the beds?

All these little round mirrors in boxes. What are we fucking doing with them? Anyway, enjoy Empire Strikes Back, but apart from that, shit weekend. Did you watch a shitload of movies? No, we didn't actually. Back of the house manual, full itemised list of all of the DVDs on that shelf. So they know if you've stolen any of their precious DVDs.

Like a karaoke book. Including a page of DVDs that used to be there that have gone missing. No! Have you seen it? Did you get the list? Have you got the list? Oh, I've got the list. Fuck yeah.

I've got the list. Here's what has gone missing. This is great because, you know, like there used to be like a thing where they would say like what's the most stolen books out of libraries or whatever and it was always, what was it? Dan Brown, Da Vinci Code. No. Straight to Vinnie's.

Goosebumps, Shocker on Shock Street. No. What's the stupid one where all the psychos used to read in the 60s? Oh. That one? Oh, America, no. Come on, Heggy, this is your wheelhouse. Serial killers, what are they fond of? Yeah, yeah. Dale Carnegie, How to Make Friends an Influence Book. No, no, no. Come on, Heggy, this is your wheelhouse. Serial killers, what are they fond of?

Yeah, yeah. Dale Carnegie, How to Make Friends an Influence Book. No, no, no, no, no. Funny buggers. No. It's Catcher in the Rye. Was that a book about you when you were eight? Catcher in the Rye?

Catcher in the Rye, yeah, yeah, yeah, Catcher in the Rye. That was the most stolen book out of the library. What I love is that I think Heggie then to try and, if you say that too quickly, it's too sus, so he's like, I'm going to give this a minute. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to pretend I remembered. Yeah, I don't know.

I wouldn't have a clue. What's a book other people would read? He's got eight copies in his luggage. Well, this is the other good thing about the list. So it's sorted by classification, by rating. Hang on, they're sorted just stolen ones? No, no, no. So they're all sorted by rating and then there's like a second section

for these are the ones that have been stolen. Yeah. That's all we're interested in. But they've ordered those ones as well, the ones that are missing. They've put them in order. Yep. Okay. So, okay, here's just a sample of DVDs.

Hang on, ten copies of Rain Man? Here's a sample of what's gone missing from this Airbnb. The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers. Yep. The Hurt Locker. Right. Mad Max, The Complete Trilogy. Okay.

I like that The Lord of the Rings, that someone's just nicked one of them. One, yeah. And then someone else has gone, no I want all of the Mad Maxes. And is this like, this is just a bizarre thing to have a page of an Airbnb manual that's just telling you things that aren't in the house. It's like, that could be an infinite

book. Like there's bits of shit not in here. There's no Nintendo Switch. Can I have a complete library of all the video games that aren't in here? If you see all three Mad Max movies in this house, that's a ghost. Don't believe it. That's a phantom. But I'm trying to work out why.

Is this just to be like, hey, we're not bums, okay? We did used to have movies like this. Or is it meant to be if you're around someone's house and you just see the only Lord of the Rings movie they've got is the Two Towers. You go, let me ask you something. You've been around the Hepburn Springs region in the last eight months. Have you been drinking mineral water?

Okay, what else? Please tell me it says five copies of Misery. No, no, no. They initially had seven. Black Swan, seven. Oh. All right. Not in the box anymore, is it?

That's not a box set. And then my favourite two, the last two, Sex Spa. Fuck. And. But just quickly, they're missing out on tricks. The seven box set. You get just one DVD and Gwyneth Paltrow's head, a fake head. Oh, yeah.

That's great. If that film came out now, that'd be the JB Hi-Fi Deluxe Edition. Yes. It's like $300. Yes. Yeah. It's like $300. Yes. Sex Bar, missing. And also Erotic Tales Volume 2, Disc 1. Oh.

Just the first one. Gone missing. Well, he only needed this one, didn't he? Didn't need Disc 2. Disc 2 was there. Did you check in there? Oh, no, I didn't have a look. But I do like that.

Did you check Disc 2 just to see what all the fuss was about? Sex Bar was just CCTV footage of their spa. Just another couple fucking in it. First of all, having pornos in the Airbnb is great. That's good. And then just ratting out like that list of itemised ones that are missing. It should just be all pornos, right? Like it's crazy that anyone's flogging the little prince

If they were just fucking one little bit more autistic, they would have known who took them. Like they go through the calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sex tape number two's missing. You're right. Because you do have to go back through and check your original inventory don't you? To see what's missing.

Yeah, it's like they're good at making puzzle pieces but not good at puzzles right you know what I mean they've got all the info right we just can't put it together you know what

it's like they're good at doing a puzzle but only the middle they can't grab the corners the easy bits our place got broken into

they're really good at sky our place got knocked broken into probably it must be nearly 20 years ago now in Sydney

and they stole a projector and my Rambo box set. I thought, what the fuck? Well, to be fair, there was nothing else in there. Yeah. You had the hunting knife in your teeth just walking around town. Joke's on them. There was only three Rambos at that stage. Should have played the long game

Played it out a little bit Case to joint Them just across the street With binoculars Seeing you come back With a JB hi-fi bag And being like I know what's in there

I know what came out On Blu-ray today Yeah Imagine that And like Are you trying to smoke them out By like buying a Rocky And it's like

No we're not falling for that No we're not Sucked in We're not breaking in And stealing Creed. Get the fuck out of here. But, no, we didn't watch any of the DVDs. What we did watch was a recent episode of Australian Story featuring friend of the show

and friend of all of us, Sammy Shah. Oh, yeah. He was recently on the program. Do you guys know the story about him? Yeah, well, his wife was an Iranian prisoner. Yeah, she was in an Iranian prison. And then she got out and had an even worse fate, marrying Sami Shah.

So, yeah. That's not fair. They're living in sin. Come on, mate. Yeah, right. Sorry. I made the same joke on the episode, okay? Come on.

Come on. So, yeah. We were watching the episode because, yeah, we were just like scrolling around trying to find something to watch and that was on iView and I was like oh you might find a story sorry just the utter disrespect to that DVD just trying to find what's on

but that is the thing you'd already put half the DVDs in his fucking rucksack to fucking teach and go hungry already came to disc one and then a nice little Australian story ruined it covered in cum had to chuck it out this is a full service Airbnb like they've got the DVD library but then they've got the TV And then a nice little Australian story. Ruined it, covered in cum, had to chuck it out.

This is a full-service Airbnb. Like, they've got the DVD library, but then they've got the TV, the smart TV with, like, all the apps, all with their own account, all signed in. So it's like, you can imagine it's almost like the DVDs are like the toys in Toy Story, just, like, sitting on the shelf or, like, forlornly watching you just watching Stanley Tucci searching for Italy on SBS On Demand instead of Tales from the Sex Swing Volume 7 or whatever is hidden

down the back corner. But so we're watching, yeah, watching Australian Story and it's a great episode. They've like cut it together really well. Sammy told the story on the pod a couple of months ago. Basically, yeah, his now partner was thrown into an Iranian jail for being accused of being a spy. Yeah, professor?

Yeah, and they're sort of cutting back and forth between their stories and Sammy's talking about doing breakfast on the ABC and losing that job during lockdown. So they've all been through tough stuff. Yeah, and I'm watching it with mum. Lockdown was its own prison. He's missing doing talkback. What sort of cardigan are you wearing right now?

Watching it with mum and she's like God, it'd just be so awful, wouldn't it? And I was like, yeah, being in prison Even in your own country would be terrible Let alone overseas And she goes, no, I meant losing your job at the ABC Oh, no, no Your parents live in Melbourne

That's something they more relate to Yeah, yeah, yeah Something overseas Yeah, yeah, yeah Admittedly, you can't really lose a job on ABC, can you? Like can you lose your job there? You've got to do something fucking terrible. What are you accusing Sammy of?

Yeah. What did he do? He's been pinching sex tubs. You're an employee of the Weekly currently. You're an ABC employee. ABC panel show darling. Yes, exactly. I'm not an employee at all.

But like, yeah, I've probably lost my job, to be honest. I haven't been asked back for over a year. Oh, there we go. So I guess that's it. Well, I was in a commercial TV, it's a project, and Nick Cody, part-time, casual, I don't know. Still casual. Something going on.

Newsreader. You came into the writer's room yesterday, but before you came in I could hear the conversation happening Where someone goes to you Sorry Nick We're going to have to bump you From next Tuesday Because we've got Harry Connick Jr.

And I'm like Fuck like for like Why even bother We had to get him in Because there's been too many times Where you've been on the show And approving of blackface Yeah

We've got to get Harry in I am back on as the Jackson Jive Was that their name? show and approving of blackface i'll give you a hundred dollars if you sit in the writer's room in blackface next tuesday just don't say anything just sort of turn around and look and then get back to work that's good yeah can you feel it just blasting at full volume not over the top just sit there just have a look at a look and then get back to work. But it's nothing. See, Dassolo and I are laughing at like it's such a comedic value, like to risk it all for $100.

But Chandler's thinking that's literally 20 trips to Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I get it on sale. A crisp $100 note. I could buy and execute it for $100. Do you think, Harry, do you think when he's like out in the country now that he's one of those people that's got like a stipulation like, don't ask me about the hey-hey.

You know those people that like they've had a big thing and they just don't want to talk about it anymore. For people who don't know, Harry Connick Jr. was on. He was a red-faced as he was on Hey Hey Saturday, the weird show we used to have on TV for a million years. He came on. They had a bunch of people in blackface on. He was the one person to say, this is probably not that great,

whereas everyone else was literally going, what? What's wrong? Yeah, he was like, they go down the line and everyone else is like, oh, you did the dance. They did a dance to Michael Jackson. Like, oh, you did the moves were so great. And then it gets to him and he's holding up his scorecard and it says zero.

That's the, like, screenshot that he got. It was around 2010-ish, though, wasn't it? It's not fucking turn of the century or anything. It was a reboot of... 2009 or something. Yeah, around there, eight. And it was a big thing in the papers. It was like, oh, these Yanks, they just don't get the larrikin

Australian spirit. They don't get how funny we are. Yeah, yeah. But remember because the hanging judge, as it were, was Red Simons. He'd always go down, he's the last judge because he'd do a joke and go, oh, this is shit or whatever. So Harry Connick Jr. gives him nowhere to go

because he's usually gone, zero, this is no good. What did Red say? Did he just, like, give it a three and go, oh, they should moonwalk out of here? You know what I mean? Because he's already got something locked in the chamber. Yeah, and they, like, Harry speaks, he's like, this is really, like he basically, he sort of, without even trying to be,

he just like eviscerates them. So yeah, Red then being like. I was the hanging judge on a gong show on a cruise ship, the one cruise ship I've ever been on. And you've got to do a gong show or something, not a gong show, some fucking talent show, I don't know, it was terrible. Here he is, Corey Connick Jr. But they had these fucking woeful people attempting comedy and and they're all one guy start he was fucking heinous terrible i've lost my mind bev gave him zero someone else

gave him zero ripped into him as well in the bargain for good measure about how fucking sexist he was and that it was fucking insane yeah and i it was up to, he's gotten zero out of fucking three or four judges so far and he wasn't going to win, obviously, but I gave him nine just for something to do. And I said, I just, I haven't heard the word pork as a verb for ages. Because his opening line was, I was porking this fat chick. He got fucking shut down. On a cruise ship?

I would have thought that's the last fashion when you can actually still do that. Fuck, you just unlocked part of the memory of my enemy. Dad going, porking good dog. Do you think that's part of the puzzle? Heggie said, I would have given you a 10, but you said fat chick. So that's why you didn't get the perfect score. They're Heggie's words, everyone. Luke, Heggie said that on a cruise ship.

It's a PC for me. Is that what you actually said? What? I don't know the word pork as a verb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't say anything about fat. Right, okay, right, right. It's fine.

But, yeah. That's great. That's good stuff. What do you reckon about this? So I run Basement Comedy Club. Yes, you do. By the time this comes out, you'll have missed your chance. What an absolute pleasure to be allowed to headline a show in Melbourne

for the first time ever. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Made the cut. Thank you very much. We're selling out the exact same venue 42 times, the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and Carl thought,

I reckon this guy can ship tickets in this room. Well, you're welcome. You're welcome to come back and get a very small amount of what you would normally make during the Comedy Festival. Good for you for aiming for the stars like that. But anyway, you could have just put on a solo show and made 10 times the money. Yeah, I'm happy to help out the industry.

You just love Melbourne so much. Yeah, it's brilliant. Yeah. Capital letters. Yeah. You were just here catching Death of a Salesman by coincidence. So just lined up. So.

Uh-oh. So the other week I get a call. Oh, no, which one should I tell? I'm trying to think of – I'm always dealing with the fucking general public who you love, your best mates, Luke Eagie. Make the world go round. Yeah. I cop – this is what I got the other day.

Someone rings mid-show and I'm like, oh, I can't – my phone's hooked up to the fucking sound system. I'm playing music. Fuck, it'd be great if you took it. Yeah, I know. The whole dialogue goes over the top of fucking Cody talking about eating raw meat or whatever the fuck he talks about. Yeah.

That's happened at another comedy room actually. Nick Capper was doing his solo show and the guy who runs the venue was playing the music before the show, similar to you, Bluetooth thing on his phone. And then while the show was on, he went down into the main bar and just started watching the rugby on his phone. Man, I'm almost sick of the one. Talking about having ball cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then while the show was on, he went down into the main bar and just started watching the rugby on his phone. So it's just capped. Man, I always think of the one.

Talking about having ball cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roars of the crowd. I always think of the one every night. I reckon 2016 or 2017, it was at Roxanne's. Yeah. There were two rooms at Roxanne's and Daniel Sloss was in the room upstairs. It was mid-comedy festival. Mid-comedy festival.

Aunty Donna on downstairs but different starting time. So Sloss says 7.30, Aunty Donna on downstairs, but different starting time. So Sloss says 7.30, Aunty Donna's 8 o'clock in the other room and it was his dead sister show and every night, so I saw it twice, I've been talking about my sister, but actually my sister died and at that point Aunty Donna's show downstairs, it kicked off. So just through the floor here, Aunty Donna. And her name was Donna.

Fuck. Oh, I've got a dead bloody sister. I'm in a coffin. Everything's a drum. Her coffin is a drum. Everyone I love is dead. Don't you mean that Ernie's a drum? So I'm getting calls and I'm having a text back going,

sorry, can't take your call right now. The show's underway. I can't talk while the show's on. And I'm just getting these abusive messages going, you're not even open. I want my money back. And I'm like... On text?

Yeah, yeah, on text. I'm like, no, no, no, we're open. Come down. just started and like no you're not you're close i went past i want my money back right now and i'm like we're again we're open i start taking pictures of the of the comedy here's what's happening right now if you want to come to the address it's happening and she's like no it's not i'm like oh man i don't know how many more times I can say yes, it is. Next photo, you holding up the newspaper with today's date and your wristwatch in the frame. Look, I swear to God, this is literally right now.

Yeah, with the Mel waves as well. I've got a feeling we have similar temperaments, which is we may give people more chances than the average person, but once those chances are out, it's zero to 100. You are the dumbest cunt I've ever met in my life. It goes from I'm going to help you, we are open, come on down. Via text, yeah, the same.

It's like in conversation. I'm thinking there's no receipts here, I'll go for it. But on text, I can't do that, so I'm holding back. I'm holding back. It's got to be a phone call yeah yeah no voicemail yes can i hear a wire is there a tap on this line then i'm not going to call you a cunt so uh so we're going back and forth and she just keeps going i want my money back and i go wait i don't know what else i can say to you. It's 120 Exhibition Street. I said, check the ticket.

It's the exact address on your ticket. She goes, I came past and it's closed. The pub's closed. It's boarded up. I'm like, I don't know where you're even looking at at this point. How can you fuck this up so badly? So it's going back and forward every 10 minutes. Then, and she's like honestly i'm begging you come

down so i don't have to deal with this later the show is on again here's the address here's a screenshot of the map here's here's all the information you need and she's like no it's closed like fuck and then then so another this is every 10 minutes we get about 40 minutes in she sends a message going you've sent me the wrong address i can't believe it i found the right address but you owe me my money back for sending me to the wrong address i'm like hang on what address are you going to she goes it's okay i'm here now but i'm gonna we're gonna be i'll be bringing up with this you know bring this up with you later but i'm here now so whatever and i go but where are you what's the address and she goes

oh it's 212 exhibition street whatever the address is and I'm like and you're here and she goes yeah I've met the show

and I go where the fuck is she so I look it up the address that she's given it mightn't be that one but whatever the address is is like the princess theatre

so she's got a ticket to Basement Comedy Club. And where is she? At Death of a Salesman. She's rocked in with the ticket. Is this the secret headliner, Anthony LaPaglia? Guys, you've picked a great night to come down to Death of a Salesman. We've had a surprise drop in.

He's just working up some stuff for Lantana 2. Please welcome to the stage. Do you reckon she got in? She just walked in There was no more Complaints after that She's like She's walked in with a

22 dollar ticket To the basement comedy club And gone I mean Not that funny Also not in a basement I'm in the balcony So they fucked this up royally

She's just walked in Halfway through a play And gone Okay well I'm here now With a printout from Tribooking that says Big mystery guests from TV And the ushers are like I mean I guess that's true is that is that hughesy like we're in a really back seat

that might be hughesy but fuck he's bombing wow and did you so did you follow up afterwards no it's like how was the show what was it what was the funniest bit i reckon she was by the by the way she's going back and forth and and the use of capitals and everything, I reckon she's on a girl's night out. She was that drunk. She would have gone in for five minutes and gone, this sucks, I'm never going to comedy again. Perfect hen's party event, death of a salesman.

The little penis hats. Yeah, the L plates. That's my favourite line in Death of a Salesman, is do we have any birthdays in tonight? That's why it's one of the great plays because everyone can enjoy it. What do you do for a living? Me, I'm a salesman myself. Oh, that's good.

And did you say there was another? You said you were trying to pick between. Yeah, yeah, there's another one. Another thick general public fucking. When I was doing the basement a couple of years ago, Rosie came. I was in that backstage fucking disgusting semi-kitchen storage area. Yes.

And Rosie comes in and he goes. Rosenbarks. Rosenbarks comes in and says, looks pretty busy, mate. Yeah, it's looking good. He goes, yeah, Carl's here tonight. He's just out calling all your customers cunts. We'll save you from doing it. He's on it. He's on his material. He's just out calling all your customers cunts. We'll save you from doing it. He's on it.

He's on his material. He's just stolen his gear. Where should I sit? Wherever you want, you stupid cunt. That sort of thing. Thanks for having us, fuck-off cunt. It's unbelievable that Heggie is a ray of sunshine after dealing with the door guy, Carl.

Heggie, I thought you were great in Moulin Rouge, by the way. I had a really great night at your show the other week. The lion cunt. Well, all right, well, this will be a good test for you. So I'm doing the door, I'm doing the door the other night, and someone comes in and, you know, look, I will say this, it's a big job for one person, but I'm like, right, we'll get them through. It's a 150-seater down there.

So that means they open the doors. We've got 20 minutes to get them all through, checking tickets, whatever. So they come through. I'm racing them through. We're running late. There's been a show that's run late before. Race them through. And then two people come in.

It's one of my absolute pet peeves. Someone comes in. It's 8 o'clock already. And they're like, I want my money back. Someone hasn't turned up. Or I want my money back. it's eight o'clock already and they're like i want my money back someone hasn't turned up or i want my money back it's eight o'clock show sold out it's like mate you don't get this you don't get it eight o'clock sorry mate you know someone else could have taken your ticket yeah you're not getting any refunds they go when's your refund cut off time do you ever do it yeah yeah if you it's enough notice like even like the last time i check an email

at like three o'clock or something like that but are people still trying to pull the covid thing for a refund yeah yeah yep whatever they can whatever they can oh they just go i just i'm feeling sick i'm not coming no i just i changed my mind i don't want to go anymore i'm like cool it says no refunds it says choose carefully choose your tickets carefully no refund so someone comes in starts arguing with me about like, so this is like 50 people backed up behind this person. And they go, oh, yeah, we had three tickets,

but one person's on here, so we want the refund. We want the money back now. And I go, well, that's not happening. I go, no, we want it back now. I go, there's 50 people behind you. And then he goes, my brother had a heart attack. It's his ticket. So I want the money now.

Still there, though. He still, laughter's the best medicine and they go oh mate i can't i don't have any money on me i'm not going to transfer anything to you right now i got there's 50 people behind you they kick off they come up to me so once the people come through they kick off and they come up and literally give me a bump and go you should have fucking given me my money back. My brother had a heart attack. Literally jabbed their elbow into me. And I go, what are you doing at comedy if your brother's had a fucking heart attack?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now who's in the wrong? And touching you. Yeah, who's in the wrong? Oh, them, definitely. Oh, good. I love the idea of him turning up to hospital and is like, you know what, I'm going to buy some flowers for my brother.

And they go, sorry, the florist, it's cash only. And he goes, I've got to go to Basement Comedy Club. I'll be right back. One Carl Chandler owes me 20. How much do these defibrillators cost? $22. I know where to get that from. Oh, fuck, there was a booking fee.

Fuck. Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life. Yeah. Just you and the general public. Oh, God. Fuck. Take every cunt on earth and it's a grind till the day you die. Wise words.

All right, well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Luke Heggie and Nick Cody, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Check out Midflight Brawl, your guys' podcast about air rage incidents that is out every week. That is right. And we've got stand-up specials out on YouTube.

Yes. Mine's called Tip Rat and it's on YouTube right now. If you've got YouTube, watch it. And mine is the very cleverly named Live at the Corner Hotel. Yeah. And you'll never guess where we filmed it. Where is that? Hmm? Where? Basement Comedy Club at the Corner Hotel. Yeah. And you'll never guess where we filmed it. Where is that? Hmm?

Where? Basement Comedy Club. The Corner Hotel. Oh, yeah, nice. The Regent Theatre. Nice. My show's called Book of Mormon. We, you might, can you see us, me and Milan?

Went to have a beer and then. I never got, because the crowd, we filmed two shows and the crowd camera was on the move. I looked for you in the thing. I wanted to get a glimpse of your head. It was the weirdest thing, coming out and spotting those two in the crowd.

We come down just to go, oh, we'll do the right thing, come and have a beer. And then his management goes, yeah, you can sit in the second row. And we're like, we weren't here for the comedy. Ought to be on camera, thanks. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus, but both shows were sold out and I could see people standing at the back of the room

and I go, that's weird, but that's all right. For the taping, there was one seat empty in the front row. Yeah. Brilliant. That's all right. Glad no one sorted that out. Glad that that's captured on film forever. Yeah.

Well, that should have been for you. You know, you didn't have anything else to worry about, so you should have gone and taken care of that. I should have been the you. You didn't have anything else to worry about, so you should have gone and taken care of it. I should have been the usher as well. And, Heggie, of course, you've got a tour that is, some of it is on sale for next year or about to be on sale. Yeah, it's already on sale. Well, upstairs at Basement Comedy Club.

Yes, absolutely, in Melbourne. Yeah, other cities on sale soon. Grogan, it's called. Grogan. If you get in early one night, you might be lucky enough to be greeted by me on the door. That'd be a real treat. The ultimate reality tour.

If anyone in your family's had a stroke don't fucking bother coming here. And try and see him in that configuration because two negatives do make a positive. So if you ever get Carl and Hagi together it'll be joyous. You'll walk out on top of the world. Am I technically your support actor?

Pretty much. All right. Thanks, everyone, for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. They have done it again. Good on you. Good on you, everyone involved. Good on you.

Good on you, Bernie. Good on everyone. Good on you, everyone involved. Good on you. Good on you, Bernie. Good on everyone. Good shit. Fun time. Thanks to everyone who... Oh, no. I won't say that. Thanks to everyone who came to Perth because you'll hear that next week.

Yeah, but people who came to Perth will be still listening to this. Yes, you're right. You can still thank them. You can hear that next week. Yeah. People who didn't go to Perth, but thank you to everyone. So you're holding back your thanks? No, I'll give it. You're going to give it now? I'm going to give it. Right. Because then I realise we've already done Talking Dumb Dumb for next week. Oh. People who didn't go to Perth, but thank you to everyone. So you're holding back your thanks? No, I'll give it.

You're going to give it now? I'm going to give it. Right. Because then I realise we've already done Talking Dumb Dumb for next week. Oh yeah, good point.

So. I don't think we actually said to them in the room thanks for coming. Yeah. Thanks for presently being here. I think we did, but it wasn't part

of the recording. Yeah, yeah, true, true. Yeah, yeah. So we'll save the good stuff for off air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'll hear that next week everyone else.

But yeah, thanks. Thanks everyone in Perth for coming. And thank you in advance, people, for coming to Melbourne on Saturday, November the 25th at 4pm. Some great guests locked in. Yep. It'll be a good one. Hometown show.

Yep. Just get on the tram. None of this having to sit on a fucking plane for three and a half hours to do a gig. I'll probably walk to the gig. might yeah i might if i don't have too much stuff to drag along with me yeah yeah depends what kind of i probably won't need to bring any gear will i yeah i could walk yeah i could walk it oh i like walking to gigs yeah me too um i did it last night and get this i walked home as well i didn't do either last night rare thing for me i usually walk and i didn't do it because i ran out of time yeah and then i had a couple of drinks afterwards so then

i didn't walk home yeah not safe well someone took your shoes from you mate you're in no state to do this i can't in good conscience let you walk out of here in that state. Remember when you did it at that time and all of a sudden you were blowing into your shoes for like a year before you could walk home? The cops saw you,

you fell over, you injured someone else which is the greatest tragedy of all. Yes, that's right. I didn't even have my seatbelt slash shoelaces done up. Well, my good Nikes absolutely wrecked them.

Insurance won't cover it. Yeah. Wrapped them around a bin. This is a good bit. This is really good. And for a public holiday too, we're doing this on Melbourne Cup Day. Yes. That's worth, there should be a 15% surcharge on those last.

Exactly. Because we're doing this in our own free time instead of watching our true passion horse racing. Yeah, yeah, our favourite thing. That's how we met. Yeah. We were in the birdcage together one year. We were at the L'Oreal tent. We were both strappers.

And we met while we were strapping up oat bags. I was trying to get a... That's the one thing I remember from something that's really stuck with me for 30 years. Yeah. First time you saw a big horse cock. Yeah. It really stuck with me slash up me. No.

Did you ever... I don't reckon you probably did this because you're literally 10 years younger than me. Yeah. Literally. Yes. Yes. When you finish your school

and you get your results and whatever whatever the number the score was right yep they would have a thing I'm pretty sure

they had this a thing where it would say loosely what score you need to do what job what score yeah yeah okay

I don't reckon they definitely wouldn't have it now and I reckon they probably wouldn't have had it when you... To do what job? I mean, well, you had like a... You did have like a score requirement to do a certain course. Yes.

At uni. Yes. So, they would have that sort of thing happen. And the lowest... I remember seeing the lowest one. And it was like some abysmal score. Podcaster. Yeah.

And it was like... Yeah. It score podcaster yeah and it was like 21 yeah it was like strapper yeah right if you're this fucked in the head you can go and you can go and clean up the horse piss and imagine not even imagine not even clearing that hurdle yeah i wonder yeah i wonder if they still do that and what kind of jobs are on it now you know like influencer tiktoker like all those ones like yeah you, yeah, you know, it's below strapper. Yeah, yeah, below strapper. It's like, great, good news. You nearly aren't smart enough to breathe.

Yeah. But you're going to make more money than everyone else because you're going to be an influencer or whatever. The baseline score that you get just for having put your name at the top of the piece of paper. Yeah. Even if you get below that, you could host a podcast one day. Yeah.

Well, I was trying to get a coffee on the way here, and I do love on a public holiday like this, a lot of places just go, we're not opening. Either, you know, A, we want the day off, or B, like, you know, the bigger thing is like, well, we've got to pay our staff so much in penalty rates that it's just like, we're just going to take a bath. But then when you just walk past those big swinging dick cafes where it's almost like a point of pride to be like nah we

can weather this we're the fucking best we can handle paying an extra whatever it is 15 dollars per hour on a cup of coffee i know the flip side is it's that thing that i've always hated in holidays where they go yeah we're closing for the holidays. It's like, cunt, this is when I want to come to your shop. I know. Probably no other days. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. You've got to pay more.

But on a day like this, well, everyone's got the day off. So surely you're going to make enough to cover it. Yeah. It depends. It depends if you're a bit of a shit shop or not. That's true. If you're a good shop, I can do it. I think there are a lot of business owners for whom just the fact of having to do it riles them up.

Just having to take more out of the takings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On principle, they don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That fucking, that smug little 16-year-old getting an extra few dollars, they just lose sleep over it. Yeah, yeah. They just lose sleep over it. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think I've talked about this on the show, but I certainly have worked for a job where I used to work public holidays and get no extra money for it. Really? And I was like, I used to go, don't I get more money for this? And they'd be like, no. Why would you? I'm like, because it's a public holiday.

And they're like, no, you're not full time. no why would you i'm like because it's a public holiday and they're like no you're not full-time so why would you and i like fully got fucking jedi mind tricked like okay but i'm like i was still like this doesn't make much sense to me and then years later all of a sudden i'm working a public holiday and getting more money and me going hey what happened here and they're like it's a public holiday you get more money and i'm like what like and like literally two years before they're like berating me going what the fuck are you talking about i have a feeling that i had almost the same experience working at a burger place not getting more on sundays or public holidays and friends who were doing similar jobs being like oh you always want to you put your hand up for those public holidays because you just make so much.

And me being like – and the same thing they were like, well, you're a casual. You're not a full-time casual. I'm like, what do you mean a full-time casual? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, no, you're just – and always being like something about this seems very, very odd. and then leaving that place to go and work at a competing burger chain and immediately then being like, do you want to work the public holiday? And me being like, not really.

And they're like, but you make like double. Like, oh, well, in that case, yes. Yeah, yeah. Just being like, I got gaslit by my old employer into thinking. Man, I remember working Boxing Day for no extra money. Fuck. And also being on a shit wage as well yeah yeah just going what the fuck is this yeah yeah so anyway i won't say who that employee uh was but i still work for them so yeah interesting okay yeah interesting stuff it's that thing when you're like you're like young and you're keen to get a job.

I mean, those burger joints when I was like 19. And you're so excited to like work and have your own money. And then you just get the piss absolutely taken. You're like on a shit wage, not getting any of your like Sunday pay. And you're like, oh, I get it. This sucks. That's why dad's miserable all the time. Well, that was happening to me when I was 33.

So, yeah. Hey, quickly, if you're in Hobart, come and see me do my show, Scam Artist, at the Hobart Brewing Company on November the 16th. Speaking of scams. Speaking of scams, yeah. Come on in. It's on a Thursday. I don't have to pay you penalty rates for being an audience.

So, that works out great for me. November the 16th and Sydney, November the 23rd, I'm up there doing the same show and then November the 30th in Melbourne, taping my special. Come out and see that. Please. I beg you. I beseech you. And it's then going up on YouTube,

which does not have penalty rates. You don't get more ad money if people choose to watch you know, watch something on your channel on Columbus Day. You don't get an extra 15% ad revenue. No. Wow. Good app.

Thanks to Cody and Higgy for doing it, you squeezing it in before you took off. The first ever episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club recorded in a co-working space oh yeah it was too we went to we went to austereo that runs all the biggest you know radio stations around the country to do it going great we're going to be in a studio and then we just sat in someone's fucking lunch room and recorded it so and you were like yeah we're going into the radio station and i was like i'll bring our equipment um just in case you never know we've

had that happen before where we've turned up to do it at a radio station and then just been in a conference room and you were like fucking dream on they'll be setting us up in the studio and then i get a text from cody the night before hey bring your gear just in case yeah yeah yeah good to uh good to talk playing talk again with cody yep fucking he's literally he's literally the dust Hoffman to my Tom Cruise in this situation. I'm sorry. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Did he get bummed by a low-cost carrier when he was a kid or something? Fuck, man.

But as he said on this episode, I'm sort of the origin of it. I'm the ooze that turned him into the Ninja Turtle, where when I had that Commonwealth ad and they flew me to London business class and I came back and I was like, oh, it was sick. And he'd never done it at that point. Right.

He'd said on the air, but he's like, I remember that getting in my head. It's like, okay. Okay. You're the guy. You're the guy that did it. I did it for free

because some other company paid for it yeah went yeah i should i should put all my time and effort into doing this for myself god i flew quantus instead of jet star on the weekend it's like possibly worse this is no i just do not fucking care about planes i really don't right like you do get that little bit better like attention to detail on quantas but i will say every some of the worst flight like delays and disruptions i've ever had have been quantas there was a run where i would like like ages ago i was like a big fan of tiger when they still existed yeah and i would always just have a perfect run with them never had a cancelled flight always on time and then for whatever reason someone else would be

buying the flight or i would you know just it just would work out better timing wise i'd fly quantas i'd just be at the gate for like five hours waiting for the flight to take off yeah it's it's i'll defend jetstar. Those international flights, they really weren't that bad. I remember we sat there and like, now my wife is a massive snob with travel, with hotels, with everything. And even she was like, this is not that bad. The planes are fine. I just don't think I can do it again because I had four in a row where like getting on the plane is is once you're on the plane yeah it's fine yeah i just had enough in a row where i'm like i'm doubting i'm doubting the ability to even get on this like i can't do it again i can't do an international trip where i'm packing the night

before looking at my phone going what's gonna fucking happen here when's the text coming through do you know what do you know what i had opposite. This is maybe why I don't have that thing against Jetstar is for this reason. I copped a couple of big delays, like five-hour delays or whatever. Yeah. But they were delays that worked for you instead of against you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So here's a couple of – here's the delays I copped. Last year when we were going to Bangkok with Milan and Blakey and all those guys,

the big boys' trip thing for Kappa without Kappa um we copped a five-hour delay yep we were at the airport Milan had got us into the fancy Qantas club yeah we're in the Qantas not even like the the the normal one the high up executive yeah yeah for an extra five hours like yeah this is awesome that's fine I kind of I also don't really mind it too much like if you're at the airport with friends, because it kind of becomes, it sort of becomes that funny thing of like, wow, this is insane. How much longer are they going to delay us?

Like, all of that kind of thing. Well, we didn't even have to think that. We were like, bring it on. Bring on another five hours, you know, whatever. Yeah. So, we copped that and we're like, this is the best. This is awesome. And then I copped a big five-hour delay when I was in Bangkok.

And I was like, oh, okay, now I'm just in Bangkok for more time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just hung around and got pissed on the street. Yeah. And by the end, I was like, fuck, what am I going to do with five hours? And then I was almost late because I was like, I was trying to fit everything in. I'm like, this is great. This is awesome.

That feels like a whole extra day. Yeah. I mean, I've had text the night before, the flight's cancelled, we can put you on a replacement in two days. And it's like, well, I'm going for a week. Like, that's almost not worth it. And then just buying a flight on another airline. Yes.

And then you get there and you're having a great time and you're like, any excuse to not come home. I'm dreading getting back to the real world and doing the thing where you're flying at night and you just you're looking at the phone being like please just yeah send me the text send me the text at lunchtime tell me it's off i'll go great i'll book another night in a nicer i'll treat myself i'll have a fun night that would be good you're just kind of hanging on it but then of course it runs flawlessly perfectly to time yeah oh that's that yeah that reminds me yeah i'm gonna be wishing for that coming up i've got a flight coming up so yeah i'll be hoping for

that one um yeah so anyway whatever i don't care planes are planes who gives a fuck yeah i want to get on there and just fucking plug the headphones in it. Yeah, I mean, whatever, who cares. You know, one more thing and then we'll get into thanking some people for signing up to patreon.com slash little dumbass club. I've noticed this. Is this a new thing? On planes, I'm not a big movie watcher. I've started doing a little bit of, I've started dabbling.

Yep. Starting from the start. Yeah. Horror movies on planes now. Is that a new thing? I don't know. I've not personally seen too much of it. But I do think in general, there's a bit of like an upswing in people's interest in horror in the last

like couple of years. It seems like a thing where all of a sudden, you know, when like, yeah, something all of a sudden gets a bit more attention where it's like, oh no, there's been like a group of people that have just been hugely into this the whole time. But for whatever reason, there's like more of them coming out or like one comes out and makes a lot of money and kind of rejuvenates people's interest in it that's fine for interest in a genre but the decision to put people getting their heads fucking chopped off on planes that's a new thing but i mean well i mean the fact that it used to be they used to cut out

any or they used to not put any movies on where it was like a plane went down or you know whatever it was yeah but therefore i'm horror, horror movies on planes now. I don't know if they do. I don't know if they cut stuff out anymore because you watch something that's on the in-flight entertainment and there'll be big old titties popping up and pretty raunchy sex stuff, which I do like that when you're like...

I've said this before, but when you're watching something like that and it's on the in-flight entertainment and there'll be someone sitting near you with like a young child and they just look at your screen in disgust and you're like, hey, this has just been presented to me.

Alan Joyce signed off on this. Not me. I didn't know this was going to be in the movie. I'm watching it for the first time. I'm not opening my lappy and firing up a porno. Yeah. This is, hey, I'm a victim here. Take it up with Mr. Star.

Exactly. Not me. Yeah. Take it up with Mr. Star. Exactly. Not me. Yeah. Take it up with the little tiger. Yeah. No, full on horror movies. I watched, I had a bad, I was like, I saw one, what's it called? Smile.

Oh, yeah. And I just zipped through it. It's not bad. I was like, I'll just watch the highlights. I went through it. Oh, yeah. Because I was like, because I was also a bit fascinated to go. You're doing it all DVD style, just skipping the chapters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I was like, I want to see how much, how graphic this is going to be, considering it's on a plane. Yeah. My girlfriend will do that with stuff she's watching. I'll be like, you know, reading a book, what is not watching the screen.

And she'll be scrubbing around, but I won't know that she's doing it it and i'll just kind of be hearing this in the background being like fuck this is edited badly yeah they've just gone from this conversation what the fuck's going on here and then she'll be like like she'll watch like a housewives thing and she'll be halfway through a season and just not liking it but then also by that point you sort of in so you've got to see the season out till the end so a new episode will come up and she's like this is trash i've just but i've still i've got to like quote unquote watch it so she'll just scrub through the whole thing in about 15 minutes but then i'm over in the corner being like what the fuck's going on with this show this is bizarre yeah but yeah i can't think i mean watching a horror on a plane it does seem like i know it's not the best environment for really any genre of film, but horror is truly like, I don't know, you want to be in the cinema or you want to be like home at night, lights off.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Because I was like, I was watching it going, well, maybe this is actually the best way of doing it because it's such a sterile environment that you can't get scared. I mean, if you're someone who loves how they're made but gets scared too easily, then yeah, probably that is the best. It's the ultimate having the lights on. Yeah. And as I walked off the plane, there was someone behind me going, yeah, I watched Smile and I watched something else just then

because that's all I watch on planes, horror movies. Yeah, okay, interesting. Fuck this. I mean, what does that say about you? You know what's the ultimate big dick move? Getting on like a long haul overnight flight and firing up that film Red Eye. You know where there's that girl on the plane and Cillian Murphy's on the plane and he's trying to kill her? No.

It's a horror movie set on a plane. Oh, right. So if you were on basically the setup of that film and you fire that up and you're just looking around, you're like not even scared yeah yeah that's like the ultimate that because yeah any horror that you're watching it's like well that's that this doesn't apply to the context of this you know there's there's no one in my closet because i'm not near i'm not in my bedroom i don't have to worry about this but he's like you know waiting for her in the toilets when she's Oh really? Yeah, it's a good film Oh, okay Well anyway, thank you to, speaking of horror, it would be horrific if you didn't subscribe to this show via Patreon

Yep. There we go Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub Thanks to everyone for your continual support Really do appreciate it and we do our very best to pay you back by giving you bonus content by keeping up the standard of the normal show. All that bullshit.

Yeah. So let's read out some names and thank some people individually rather than collectively. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. I'm going to do my best here. This is what they've left us with. Yep. Thank you very much to Gelmon. All one word but like gel mon well g-e-l cap m-o-n

gel mon okay that's what you wanted so that's what you're getting good thanks to gel mon real name when you say that the patreon helps us keep up the standard that's not a bit you know like people will put on their patreons if they're're working towards something in particular, they'll be like, here's our stretch goal that we're doing. So if we get to 10,000 in a month, we'll do... We'll finally make the theme park of ourselves we've been talking about or whatever it is. We should just have a little thermometer thing that dictates the overall quality of the main show.

So it's like, if we're taking in this much per month, we'll put in this much in the main episodes. And then if it dips down, we're taking in this much per month, we'll put in this much effort in the main episodes. And then if it dips down, we just have to be on the episode being like, look, I'm sorry, guys. We didn't want to do a bad episode this week. We had lots of funny stories. We were both really well rested. We had great guests. But the money had dipped a little bit.

And we've got to answer to the shareholders on this one. Yeah. If it dips down all of a sudden, we start doing them at 1am. Yep. Like, oh, fuck. I'm fucked. Yep. We take a Valium like an hour before we start recording. Yeah.

We just, yeah. We book Kyle Legacy as a guest. Yep. Get Pablo Francisco on Zoom. Yeah, people would love true. I like him. Get Pablo Francisco on Zoom. People would love that. I mean, that would have to be, you know, you'd have to stagger it. Like what we've just described would have to be the Patreon dips to like, you know,

we're making literally $4 a month. Yeah. But I do like just incremental tweaks to the quality that we're in control of that we can, um, that we can action. Yeah. Yeah. It's like literally we get on a real hot run and we go, and one of us has to go, Hey,

remember we did last week. Yeah. Let's pull this back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get out of this one. Oh,

I just thought of something really funny to say off the back of this riff that I think would be really, really good. But unfortunately, and we've got, we start doing video episodes and we've always got you know like when they're doing a fundraiser and they've they've got like the kind of the thermometer of money of where they're up to so we just have that as like a live so the audience

kind of knows you know exact and hey maybe some episodes halfway through recording it a few new checks come in and that boosts us up into a threshold also and then the back end we just get this little we hit the nos boosters and we're like all right we can put a bit more quality into this one i like the idea also that that you think we have the ability to make things better i mean yeah exactly i mean sure we know how to make them worse i don't know if we have the ability to put the foot on the gas too well i mean if we have the ability to make them worse then it's like to make it better we simply just not do these things yeah but that makes it just like it's like all right we have it's like to make it better, we simply just not do these things. Yeah. But that makes it just like, it's like, all right, we have an interest to know how to do it. We definitely know how to do a six out of ten.

Yeah. We've got an interest. We do know how to drive it right into the ground. Yeah. But right into the ground, six all of a sudden seems like a ten from what we're capable of. Yeah, yeah, true. Anyway, thanks, Gelmon. Thanks, Gelmon.

Gelmon, whatever the fuck that is. You asked for it. You got it. Thank, Gelmon. Gelmon. Whatever the fuck that is. You asked for it. You got it. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Stephen Turnock. Turnock. I'm taking my little teeth things out. Your dentures. Yeah, my dentures out.

When I have them in too early on in the week, they get a bit tight and I feel myself. Early on in the week? Well, you do one a week. Your teeth know what day it is. You change them over, whatever these plastic teeth squeezes are, which is what all they are. They just squeeze your teeth and fill up the gaps and all that sort of shit. When you put your new one in, they're very tight and you can feel yourself lisp or you can feel yourself your speech get in impeded so these are sort of freshy so uh it's a bit hard yep no and please do hold the mic right up to your mouth

as you're done you're welcome i if for people that have have them at home and there's quite a few comics that have started to have them and stuff like that. I do remember asking a comic early on about advice. And one of them said, just don't eat in them. And it's like, that's the most obvious advice in the entire world. It's impossible to eat in them. Yeah, right, right. Because you've just got plastic.

You can't chew. Well, you've just got plastic around your teeth. Yeah. So you can't chew it. It's just insane. And I'm like, yeah, I know. Yeah. So you can't chew it. It's just insane. And they go, and I'm like, yeah, I know that. Of course you shouldn't do that. And then they go, oh, it's just I learned that when I did it myself. And I'm like, you get told not to do it.

Yeah. It's obvious not to do it. Yeah. But you had to actually do it. There's hours and hours and hours in the rest of the day where you can eat something. Imagine, like, this would be even better, but imagine glad wrapping your teeth and trying to eat and chew something. Yeah.

It would be fucking insane. Yeah. Well, this is even worse. You wouldn't want to do it. It'd be uncomfortable. You've got the snow tires on your teeth. Yeah. You physically can't do it.

Yeah. And in no world should you imagine that you can do it. Yeah. And then I said, well, when do you take them? Like, what's the story? When do you take them and then i said well when do you take him like what's the story do you when do you take him out like when else do you take him out like oh on stage like i reckon you shouldn't do that but anyway whatever um even though i'm doing them now which is sort of on stage but then i said well you take him out to you you know, kiss a girl. And they're like, no. Like, oh, you just... What, a girl's kissing you and tongue in the mouth and copping the old plastic around the teeth?

For the first place, I wouldn't even think to ask that as a question. What do you mean? Like, asking someone what it's like to kiss when they've got their Invisalign on. No, no, no, I wasn't asking that. I was like saying, you obviously take them out. Yeah. To kiss, and they're like, Invisalign on. No, no, no. I wasn't asking that. I was like saying you obviously take them out to kiss, and they're like, no. Yeah, right. You're just giving that to someone else,

that experience to someone else. What about, did you go so far as to ask what about cunnilingus? No. Imagine that when you're at the dentist, just being like, now, doc, give it to me straight. Am I going to be able to eat pussy while I've got these in? There's no issue with that. there's no issue with that. There's no issue with that.

How's it going to – Unless – What if it was like – Unless you do – Unless teeth are a really big part of your cunnilingus technique. Well, that would be it. What if you put them in and then it was like – There's a lot of chewing going on.

Your partner was just like, that is the best you've ever done that. You were like, oh, my God, it's all the Invisalign. It's like my little, you know. No, your your partner's like that's great because you know when you bite in to my pussy and treat it like a fucking like ground beef and i'm always asking you not to i'm telling you that doesn't feel good but you just something about like muscle memory or whatever and you've got those really sharp incisors that really just ruin yeah my vagina but now this is slightly better. Yeah.

You're just really rubbing on them. You were trying to do that still, but because it's just soft rubber, it was like a little massage. Yeah. It was like having a little vibrator. There's just quite a bit of bruising now. And it's a lot better than those big tears. And then she's so into that, that then as a vibrator, she's using like a little pair

of those chattering teeth. Just winding them up and letting them go. Fuck, we could make that as merch, the comedy vibrator. It's the chattering teeth. You know those celebs that have like the moulds of their cocks that you can buy? Where like, this is the vibrator modelled on our actual teeth from two hosts from the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Oh, our actual teeth.

Our actual teeth. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. That's good. That's good merch. Yeah, that's great. If we do that, we'll send the first copy out to Stephen Turnick and he can put our teeth on his little dick.

We'll thank him on the back of the box. Yeah. People will just be like, what's this guy got to do with it? Yeah, yeah. Inspired by. Inspired by. Yeah. Yeah. Based on his little dick. Well, thank him on the back of the box. Yeah. People would just be like, what's this guy got to do with it? Yeah, yeah. Inspired by. Inspired by. Yeah. Yeah.

Based on the life events. Based on the name of Stephen Turnick. Yeah. He's a bunch of teeth you can put on your pussy. Exactly. Yeah. Thanks, Stephen. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Well, thank you very much. Third camp off the rank this week. And again, good example of, you know, thank you very much, Third Camp, off the rank this week. And again, good example of how you can subscribe. If you want to do this, you don't have to use your real name, I guess. I mean, personally, I would like my name read out, my real name read out on this show. If you're going to chuck all those shekels at us. Yeah. Your name does get read out.

Some people, yes. Your name gets read out every week. Well, that's what I'm saying. I like it. You're still not sick of it. I mean, compared to you, you've changed your name for it yeah yeah well not for this your real name's not getting read out every week well it does come up a little bit maybe every second a little bit a little bit do you know what i um i had someone uh come to uh spleen last night

and you check the tickets and everything. Mr. D. Alsop. Really? And I was like, here we go. Interesting. Tommy's dad. But then I was like, Tommy's dad doesn't live in Brunswick. I don't think he's share housing at the moment. Yeah, he's putting in a...

I reckon this is not him. He's putting in a fake suburb to sound cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, interesting. Did you talk to this person at all? Did you get a look at him? They were the only people that didn't turn up. Really?

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. So fake your dad in a fake suburb, then fake turned up. Yeah. Faked interest in the gig. Yeah.

Interesting. But I've got to use real money, so. Well, there you go. That's fine. That's good. It's okay. But anyway, like speaking of that, like I said, I would prefer to have my name read out if you're going to put the money in. For some reason, you know, you've got these people that go, don't read my name out.

Hot tip, if you don't want your name read out, just change your name on Patreon. Because then I never remember if someone says, oh, my name's Dick, surname's Sucker, and don't read this out because it's a little bit embarrassing. I reckon you could make fun of this somehow. Think how happy we'd be if we came across that yeah you know do it for us yes someone i think i'm getting this right there was someone who richard sucker see do what you will with that yeah try and make something out of that there was someone who subscribed or not subscribed who posted in our public facebook group with a great name the other day. Right. I wish I could remember what it was.

This is going to be bad if this wasn't the name, but I have a feeling it was like Sarah Gay. Right. And I was like, God, I hope she subscribes one day. Yes. Well, look, this might be this person's real name. Okay. I think, personally, I think that it's not. Okay. But this is an example of the sort of hijinks you can play with. Let's real name. Okay. But I think, personally, I think that it's not. Okay.

But this is an example of the sort of hijinks you can play with. Let's see what I think. Yeah, yours, us on it. Maybe I'll be convinced. Yeah. Let's find out. All right. You tell me.

Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First name, Heavy. Yep. Second name, Slut. Heavy Slut. Yes. Well, I mean, that could be, look, you know, this is like a, you know, it's such a weak.

If your last name's slut. You know, someone goes to like Malaysia and they're like, oh, look at this restaurant. It's called fucking, you know, Cockman or whatever. I love that. Yeah, I know. I still haven't grown out of it. It's still too good. You know, we sit here in Australia, you know, in an English speaking country and we go, oh, that's funny because that sounds like, you know,

those words mean something different here. You know, this could be an Indian man called Heavy Slut. It could be the Prime Minister of India for all we know. I would have guessed India is the last country that this could be from, but anyway. Well, you know, have a slut okay all right yeah okay all right yeah all right well sorry if if this is really your real name have a have a slut yeah i think it's more like norwegian there's some sort of scandinavian yeah yeah yeah

yeah this is this is i mean you know we could be sitting here and you know so there could be someone who like listens to this show in norway they're like, you've got to listen to this episode. And there's a bit where you go, you know, get a load of, you know, of course, your real name, Tom Alsop. And they're just losing it because over there that means like. Getting bummed by a dog. Yeah, yeah. That means like in Norwegian that's like, yeah, fat whore or something like that. Get a load of this guy's name.

I would love that. I would too. Finding out that my name is something like very dodgy in another language would be fucking awesome. Yeah. If you're in a country and you have access to a language where you can translate any of our names or any of our guest names into something very horrific, please let us know. Please let us know. Please let us know. I would love that to happen. But, yeah, so if we've been culturally insensitive for the first time ever on this show, deep apologies.

Crazy that it took this long. No one's perfect. Finally, we slipped up. Actually, Tommy, edit this out. Edit this out. We don't want to ruin our perfect record on this show. So we might have to do another name this week or something like that. It's like what they say.

You either stop the podcast being completely racially sensitive or you pod long enough to see yourself become a bigot. Yeah. Yeah, we finally got there. We can stop the show now. We've always said we'll just keep going until we do our first racially insensitive riff. And I was starting to think it had never happened.

Once we say something that's a little bit on the nose, I said, let's pull the pin. Time to shut it off. Yeah, yeah. Then we'll truly know we've run out of ideas. Yeah, yeah. If we've sunk that low... Yeah. That tells you everything you need to know.

I don't want to be part of comedy anymore. that tells you everything I don't want to I don't want to be part of comedy anymore if we have to do something for shock value if we have to be lazy with our comedy yep

it's time to wind things up I'm going back to graphic design going back into Quark Express yep can't wait well as I said many times in my late teens

and early twenties thanks heavy slut. All right. Thanks, HS. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Madeline Ball. Madeline Ball. Yeah. We're a little away from this now, but speaking of horror,

I was actually going to ask you, did Blanket go trick-or-treating this year? She did. Yeah, nice. What did she dress up as? First time ever. Because my girlfriend's nephew is roughly the same age and he went for the first time, I think, last year.

And he was back at it this year. Last year, apparently, there was a haunted house near them and it was just really over the top. Like a real one or a dressed-up one? Like a family that have just done was like a haunted house near them and it was just really over the top there was like one of those real one or a dressed up one like a like a family that have like just done all this stuff to the front of their house i thought you meant you sent your four-year-old nephew off to a genuine haunted house yeah to a to an abandoned asylum yeah yeah just open up the door and it's like it's just like

there's some there's some undead cunt in there yeah yeah look my culture's not your costume spinning around no there was like uh yeah a house where they've like you know done all this stuff for the front of it you know those things you can get that are like a um they're like a kind of a mechanical toy thing that's like a skeleton kind of like then it crawls along the ground oh god no i haven't seen so they had one of them and he lost his mind just went inside just went, was like so terrified, like screaming. And then the next day he was talking to his parents and he's like, remember when we saw that haunted house and I was really brave? That was really good of me, wasn't it?

I was like, I was really, like I could have been really scared, but I was actually really brave about it. And they're like, you pissed your pants actually that's weird that's weird for a four-year-old to do that because generally what will happen is like my daughter will just repeat whatever i've told her that she's done so i'll be like oh you're really brave going to the dentist and so she'll go remember when i was really brave going to the dentist right right right she hasn't got the wherewithal to sort of go this is how i acted and i'm going to tell you how i act yeah Yeah, right, right. She's just reporting what I've said back.

But how was her experience trick-or-treating? She loved it. She went... Did you go around here? Is there many people do around here? Sorry. Sorry about that. Not around here.

It was she went with her mum around her mum's friend's neighbourhood. Okay. Because she went with the daughters of her mum's friend. Right. Yeah. So they went a couple of suburbs away and whatever, and it was all fine. It was all whatever. And what did she dress as?

She was very excited about what costume she was going to get, and then she ended up getting a mermaid costume. Okay. But then... Because she loved the... You took her to the live action Little Mermaid. Were you saying she liked that film? She didn't particularly like that film.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it was okay. Right. I think she just liked that as a costume for some reason. Yep. And then... But then she came with like a black wig. And then... Which is like, okay, that's fine.

Wigs are fun, I guess. But then she saw separately in the shop a witch's hat, so she wanted that. So now she's a mermaid that's a witch. And then she went... So she was going trick-or-treating the night of Halloween, but then everyone was encouraged to go to school dressed up as well. Oh, sure, okay.

So she's just worn the costume all day, all day and all night, right? So she's worn that to school, but then they had a face painter at school. Okay. So then she's rocked up. There's a third thing in the mix. She's rocked up trick or treating, mermaid body, witch head, lion face. Okay. That's cool.

A lot going on. Yeah. Very confusing. That's like a character Out of like an anime That'd be like a big demon That appears Yeah yeah Just some crazy Japanese dude

Being like What if a mermaid was a witch But also like Had the powers of a lion Big fangs Yeah So whatever that was That's what she was

She was just Happy to be involved In everything at once Now I can't help but notice The A book that I lent you is on the ground in her pile of toys. Really? Where? Is she reading Chuck Klosterman's book about the 90s

and really getting into what it was like before we had mobile phones in the internet? No, no. This chapter on Bill Clinton is really something, Daddy. No, I was reading that here. So, yeah, sorry. No, it's a lot more. So, yeah, sorry. It's a lot more... You should read some of it to her.

Learn history. It's a lot more read than the copy of Elton John that's also in her bedroom. Oh, maybe she'd like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bedtime story. A bit easier to deal with. Some bloke with big funny glasses. Yeah.

Then, yeah, dealing with stories about how Blockbuster used to operate. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But Madeline Ball. Madeline Ball. Yeah. Last name Ball? Yep.

What would you go with? What's the perfect first name? If you had a son. If I had a son. Or a... What about this? Perfect. Harry.

Harry Ball. Harry Ball. That's good. Oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah Ball. Harry Ball. That's good. Oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah, I get it. That's good. Anything better than that? I reckon it's pretty hard to beat.

Yeah. Delicious. Suck my... Yeah. Yeah. I think that's good. Harry Ball. Harry Ball's pretty good, I reckon. I think that's good. Harry Ball. Harry Ball's pretty good, I reckon.

Yeah. So, Madeline. Maddie Ball. Maddie. Yeah, Maddie Ball's pretty good. Mad Ball. There used to be a thing called Mad Balls. Really?

Yeah, they were like Super Balls, like... Oh, bouncy balls. Bouncy balls, but they had like crazy, crazy faces on them or whatever. Man, I think... Very Garbage Pal kid style. Oh, yeah. Right, right. I think the joy of the bouncy ball might be one of the most like pure euphoric things

you have as a kid. All it is, it's just a little ball that's made out of something a bit different. The first time you see one of those and how high it can get, I vividly remember being like, oh my God, I am witnessing actual magic. Yeah. I can't believe how high in the air this thing's getting. Yeah.

Well. Getting one out of those little... The vending machine. The little machine in the shopping centre. Little 20 cent coin. Yeah. Did I tell you, did I say in the show

about bringing Blanket to time zone? Yeah. Did I say that already? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I've opened that door. She loved it?

Yeah, loved it. Absolutely loved it. Damn. I could, I'll tell you off air, but I could hook you up with some freebies at one of, not a time zone specifically, but one of the like. Oh, really? One of the arcade things. Really?

How do you get freebies? Because my friend works for them. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, God. If you ever want to spoil the shit out of her and give her the best day of her life. Yeah. Not for me.

No, no, no. It was great. It was actually great. It was good fun. So I'll have to take her back again one day. Well, thanks, Mad, no. It was great. It was actually great. It was good fun. So I'll have to take it back again one day. Well, thanks, Madeline Ball. Thanks, Maddie Ball. Thanks, Maddie Ball.

And you don't have to name your firstborn after us. Just after what we tell you, which is Harry. Harry Ball, if that's all right. Let's just do one more. Okay. It's lunchtime. What are you going to do? Well, I don't know. Are we going to do some more stuff after. I am, uh, it's lunchtime. Mm-hmm. What are you going to do? Well, I don't know.

Are we going to do some more stuff after this or not? Oh, are we? Maybe. Well, I don't know. We can discuss that off air. Okay, I guess so. We can discuss that. I want to record Talking Dumb Dumbs for episodes we haven't even done yet.

Do you really? I want to get the next year worth of Talking Dumb Dumbs done. Great. I'm struggling through this one, so that should end up well. Yeah. Um, all right. Thank you very much to the fifth and final one this week. Great. I'm struggling through this one, so that should end up well. Yeah. All right. Thank you very much to the fifth and final one this week.

Thank you very much. Again, look, I don't know if this is a real name or not. Oh, this is another silly one. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Again, this might be a name in another language, but to me, this seems like someone that just doesn't want their name read out and they've just put something else in there. Okay. I don't know.

You be the judge. All right. Thank you very much to – I'm a fucking idiot and I drink piss and I eat shit and I fuck a dog and I pull the cum out of the dog's ass and I put it in my mouth and I drink it. Comedy. No, that's the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're pronouncing that all wrong. Honestly, take that. Take that out. As soon as I should have known, I read it. I saw that name comedy.

It's pronounced. It's all pronounced. Very Pakistani name. It's all pronounced different. Comedy. It's pronounced different in their, well, comedy is the same. All the other stuff is different. Okay, right, right. Comedy is actually a Pakistani name. It's all pronounced different. Comedy. It's pronounced different in their... Well, comedy is the same. All the other stuff is different. Oh, okay.

Right, right. Oh, comedy is actually a Pakistani name. Yeah. All these people have been subscribing over the years. Yeah. We've just got this... They're all the Pakistani royal family. We've got to do a show in Pakistan.

We've got so many listeners. We should try and get Sami Shah to take over for us and head over there. Well, thanks, whatever that name was again. I've turned the machine off already. I can't reread the name. Yeah, it got over. It consents that we're towing the line of being offensive. So it's shut itself down.

And it's wrong. To save us from ourselves. It's wrong. Well, thanks, everyone who supports the show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Head to LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get your tickets

November the 25th in Melbourne and we will see you next time. See you, mate.