The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 684 - Live! Lawrence Mooney, Cameron James & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

We're LIVE from the most beautiful street in the Dexy capital of the world with LAWRENCE MOONEY, CAMERON JAMES and XAVIER MICHELIDES! Tommy's busted out the Sexy Lemon Man attire which comes under harsh scrutiny from our panel of guests. King Moonman regales us with some of the most disturbing yarns he's ever told on the podcast, Xavier's a new Perth resident, PLUS, have we been successful in our attempts to book an impersonator for the show, or are we better off moving our business to a competing comedian hire website? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Perth with guests Lawrence Mooney, Cameron James and Xavier Michaelides. Thanks everyone in Perth for coming to the show. Look, we've got a live show coming on in Melbourne as well, Tommy. It's Saturday, November the 25th. We sure do. In the room that we're sitting in right now recording this. That's right. And we've got it Letterman style at the moment. Absolutely fucking freezing in here. Freezing as all hell. Get along to that, littledumb That's right. And we've got it Letterman style at the moment. Absolutely fucking freezing in here. Freezing as all hell. Get along to that little dumdumclub.com. I'm in Hobart, November the 16th, this Thursday.

Come and check that out. Sydney, November the 23rd. TommyDassolo.com for tickets. Enjoy this live episode recorded live in Perth. And enjoy a live talking dumdum. Oh, yes. Also recorded live in Perth. Some good shit.

Yeah. Bye. a live talking dum-dum. Also recorded live in Perth. Some good shit. Yeah. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Gay dickheads.

Yes. Oh, the sexy lemon man comes to Perth. Oh, my God. You are the best-dressed man on this street. Wow. Which is not fucking saying much walking down this street. Jesus Christ. I'm really feeling myself in this suit. I got a compliment from, hey, spoiler alert,

one of our guests, Lawrence Moody. Yes. Said he likes how I've been looking. I posted a photo on Instagram the other day. I've been dabbling in cravats recently. Bought a cravat. Fucking hell. I went out for dinner for my mum's birthday and I had a suit jacket and the cravat on and my black glasses.

And I realised that I looked like RuPaul when he's out of drag and he like pops in to see how the contestants are doing. So I put it on Instagram and I said, feel free to roast me in the comments and one of the first comments to come through from at Lawrence Mooney said, Matt Preston with stage four.

Alright. I love fashion. I'm a fits guy now. Well, Lawrence Mooney's at the back of the room. He's got five minutes to figure out what this looks like. Yeah, yeah. That's why I thought I'd give him a bit of time. But, hey, look, since I'm in the attire...

I want to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to say, by the way, you're welcome for us dragging you back to this fucking street. Is this the worst street in Perth? Yeah. Man, this street's so bad, I thought I saw Brett Blake three times today. Honestly. Well, yeah, do we want to... Like, since I've got the garb on...

Yes. Do we feel like a bit of a weather report? Oh, right, right, right. From Australia's number one weatherman... Yes. ...according to the Hoi An Blue I-Taylor. Yeah, so can someone film number one weatherman, according to the Hoi An Blue I Taylor. Yeah, so can someone film this so we can send it to the Hoi An Blue Taylor

and we can hopefully get him to upload this, because we couldn't get him to put sexy lemon man, but maybe, because we've lied and said you're the biggest weatherman in Australia, if we can film this and then get him to upload it on his account. Yeah, they don't know that the news doesn't happen in a complete shithole in Australia. Well, no, I mean, yeah.

Hang on. Do we have a bond on this venue? All right, here we go. Here's something I prepared earlier. Do you want to throw to me? Oh, right, okay. News comedy. Do you want to throw to the weather?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, and now it's time for weather with Lemon Weatherman. Thanks, news comedy. It's time, of course, for the sexy Lemon Man weather report, brought to you by Chandler's Rejects. It's a hot and sunny day out there in Perth

today, so obviously you'd have to be a complete cunt to be walking around in a full suit. The temperatures will be rising later today, especially for all of the unvaccinated Perth comedians when they contract COVID-19 and then hopefully pass away. Later this afternoon, we could be looking at a possible drought of comedy in the form of Rad Dad, so fingers crossed that passes us entirely.

A cold front coming in later this evening will mean showers of Dexys being guzzled by FIFO workers on James Street before an overnight low of ending up at Rapture. This is Sexy Lemon Man signing off saying, hey poofs, because in Perth, where they love that kind of stuff. Back to you in the studio news comedy. Well, that'll be good when we film that and upload that and go, yeah, in Australia, the weatherman reads off his phone.

Yeah, I'm on the weather app. That's great. Hey, apologies. I don't know whether you guys do this or how this works over here, but this is one of these states where I said to the venue, oh, four o'clock start, cool, and then I saw the whole time it was advertised as 3.30 and on the tickets it says 3.30,

and I'm like, did someone make a mistake? And they're like, no, no, no, that's how it works. You give the time and then we just put it out there way earlier than what you just fucking said. But that's not what we do in Melbourne. Is that what you do here? Is that a normal thing? Tickets said doors at 3.30.

Oh right, well everything, all their advertising said 3.30 and they're like, that's how we do it over here. I'm like, fuck, do you have the Channel 6 News and you say it's on at 5.30 or the 6 o'clock news? Like, do you just sit around for half an hour and have fucking jaffles and watch Wheel of Fortune before you see the fucking...

Anyway, I don't know. Are you trying stand-up? What's going on? No, no. I've seen it done. Anyone from Perth in tonight? Oh, here we go. You guys are going to love this.

Fucking hell, smashed by some cunt in a suit reading off his phone. Jesus Christ. Anyway. All right. Well, it wasn't even a thing anyway. Sorry. Sorry. Well, everyone's here on time, so that's good. Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. I guess. Yes. So people at home will have heard this, but this, this will be news to people in this room. I, I this room. I did a first on the way here. I did the bid on the upgrade to business class, and the gavel came down. Dasolo in. Nice.

The king in the air himself. Good stuff. Flew business class to Perth to perform my my solo show to 30 people and the podcast to half as many people as we had last year so I'm really in my joker era at the moment um but it was great it was very nice like you you get and like I'm so like I've never flown business like I'm so psyched to be in there so excited get on and you know And, you know, as you sit down, they come around, they're asking everyone, like, can we get you a still or sparkling water or some sparkling wine?

And everyone else in there is just literally a business person. So they're all like, just water for me. Meanwhile, I'm like, can I get the sparkling wine and a beer as well for take-off? And she's like, yes, sir, absolutely. And I'm texting cody being like i'm sorry i ever doubted you this is the fucking best i'm a convert now this is so good yes and uh as as i was on the flight i was doing uh one of my little comics uh and i was doing a like a little comic about coming to perth and i was doing a little drawing of like a plane that had my head

on it and so i'm sitting there and we've like just like just after takeoff the flight attendant comes past and she sees me sitting on the plane doing a drawing of a plane and she does this she goes oh that's nice is that the plane we're on right now and I'm like yeah yeah I got a good look on the way in. And she's like, oh, that's great. Hang on, were you wearing the suit as well? I did think about it.

It is business class. So, yeah, business class or special class, I think, was what it got rebranded to after me being up there. But, yeah. Yeah, great. Had a good time. Yeah. Really recommend it.

Fuck, must be nice. Cody's been roasting me about travelling internationally on Jetstar, so I took Qantas deliberately to say, hey, I'm on Qantas. Sat next to the fattest cunt. No armrest, just fucking, I didn't even, wasn't even an option. He actually just put it up there and sat in front of it. So, just...

Yeah, that's... Yeah. That should be a hangable offence. That's fucked. Fucking... That's some bullshit. Back to Jet... I literally texted him and went, back to Jetstar for me forever. And how did that go? He doesn't care.

Could not care less. So, hey, we should just get to this quickly. We started the show. You heard our famous intro music that we've been using for, what, 13 years now? Yes. Unlicensed. Unlicensed. Unlicensed. Unlicensed intro music.

Yeah. We actually were sitting around the pool at the hotel earlier today and we came up with like a new theme song that we thought maybe we could debut here in front of you guys, see how it goes in front of a live crowd. Because we're using, you know, unlicensed lyrics on the other thing. Yeah. We've got some familiar music. Yeah.

But some new lyrics. But it's So it's You know It's sort of Almost a parody Yeah We could get away with using it

Yes It'd be okay Yeah So we're going to try If you can just Like pretend we're starting again Like we're just walking on stage So a big round of applause

And now hit it I don't like comedy Oh no I love it I don't like comedy Oh no I love it And that's all we've got So yeah

I'm calling it so far this is the most all over the shop live show we've ever done four minutes in also I'd like to say

I didn't do the voice then but he did so yeah I'm really acclimatised I've been here like half a day

longer than you and I think I've acclimatised into the Perth sensibility a bit more. There were some real fucking Viv Richards vibes in that fucking voice of yours then. Should we start the show again? I'm just flashing forward to next week when I've got to edit

this and I don't think I can use anything I've said so far, which is a shame. That's what we got guests for, Tommy. Let them clean it up. What do you think? Should we get them out? Please. Let's welcome our guests to the stage. Guys, three fans. What a line-up this afternoon. You guys are in for such a treat.

Three of our favourites. Please welcome to the stage Xavier Michaelides, Cam James and Lawrence Mooney. Yes. Comedy. Comedy. Comedy. It's great to be here. It is so nice to be on this stage.

This is where I trialled my show earlier in the year at Fringe World and now I'm performing it at the Comedy Lounge tomorrow night at... Shut up, Maloney. That was Maloney. 4.30 and 6.30, come along. Still ticket available. That's a good ad for an episode that will go out in two weeks, but anyway, yeah. What's that?

This episode will go out in two weeks, so it's not a great plug for a show on tomorrow. I'm talking to the live audience here. Well, still it after the show, can't. Tommy can cut that out. Or Matt Preston. What's he look like now? What do you got for him now?

Well, you look like one of the villains in Casablanca. Hiding from the Nazis in North Africa but working for them. I actually think you look great, Tommy. I think you look like the best member of the gay Sopranos that I've ever seen. You look like at the end

of Big if Tom Hanks returns back into a little boy but he somehow fucked it up and Benjamin butted himself into an old man. So he's still wearing his dad's suit, but he's like a little old man now. But he's still got to fuck someone who's much older than he is. I thought the point of a tailor was to tailor the clothes. Is this like a weird version of the dating game

where I have to pick which one of you I want to fuck now based on those four roastings. That's why you shouldn't lie about your size to the tailor to look cool. Oh yeah, I'm more like a 56-ish.

I'm huge, dude. Huge muscles. Fucking big muscly boobs. I like it. I like it. You look totally enough for the turtle club. That's just what I think.

Copping it from a guy in a Rove Live t-shirt. Jesus Christ. You've got to pay homage. You look like Oppenheimer at the end of Oppenheimer, but he stood too close to the explosion. So now we're not doing anything about the suit, we're just doing Tommy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a pleasure to be on the stage with special needs Paul F. Tompkins. It's great. After you put the suit on, did you put your head in the bath so it wrinkled up like your hands? We had to stop at some point. Yeah, that was the one. Let's see how long we can do this for. If we get to the hour without touching a single other shred of content.

You look pretty good. You look good. Thank you. You do look good. Thank you. You do look good. Thank you. And I like the whole art vibe, you know, that you're wearing a cravat and you're embracing the art world. Yep.

Tell me you're breaking away. I think Carl's going to lose you. But what they said. Welcome back. Can we talk about Cam's Rove Live t-shirt? Yeah, for sure. Because I had one of those. I had a Rove Live t-shirt.

A listener got that for him. A listener of this show got that for him. Yes. I was on Rove Live, and I know that I'm late to the party with this because you guys have already discussed it, but Rove's real name is John. Yes.

Hang on. What? Yeah. And's real name is John. Yes. Hang on. What? Yeah. And his real last name isn't live, it's McManus. Oh my God. What the fuck? Or if I were to...

You're actually going to tell me you didn't fuck my mum. I'd just turn gay for myself. If I had gone to school with him, his name would have been Macam-anus. But, um... If I had have gone to school with him His name would have been Mackham Anus But But I like the idea

Of John Live Absolutely As a show It's such a better show So much better Yeah I'm tuning into that Mind you

Rove Live went for 10 years Yeah No Rove Live actually went for Wasn't it called Rove? Yeah Wasn't it just called Rove? Rove Live went for 10 years. Yeah. No, Rove Live actually went for, wasn't it called Rove? Yeah. Wasn't it just called Rove? Rove Live went for one year and then Rove,

He was on Channel 9 first. Yes. Is that the Channel 9 t-shirt? No, this is the, this is when it was on 10, but let's not forget there was also

Saturday Night John, which was on in the year 2020. John from LA? John from there was John from LA. John from LA. On Fox 8. John LA was really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is so wasted because we actually had him booked for this show tonight and then he pulled out. We could have been saying this to him, but anyway. But anyway, welcome second choice, Xavier. Well, Xavier, you work for The Project, which is a production of his company, Johnny Enterprises. I get my check signed by John. Yes.

And John also hosted Whovian, so... Yeah. It was actually called Dr. John's. Dr. John. Dr. John. God, that's bad when there's five more laughs up here than 120 people. I know, I know.

You guys are like, this is great. You're just like, that was dog shit there's five more laughs up here than 120. I know, I know. That's how we do it. You guys are like, this is great. And you're just like, that was dog shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. No, you do work for the project from here. You live in Perth now. Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, I've been living here for a year now. You're a true Perth comedian. Fucking fellow sand groper. Every morning I wake up drinking a brown super shake and fucking finish the day with a swan lager and then smoke some meth with... Twiggy Forrest.

It's a great day. But, no, I love it. I love that you work for the project now because when you first started... Because you used to work for... Like, you used to be in Studio A with us, with me and Tommy and Dave Thornton in community TV. And when you were writing in that, I'm like,

man, you are never going to write for a proper TV show. Your jokes, all your sketches ended in whatever would happen and then it would be like, and now, then I take a light bulb and I pretend to smoke meth. That was the end of every sketch. And it went fucking well. People loved meth Johnny. Rove saw that and called me and said, you've got the goods.

And fucking here we are. You're like, who's that? John? John. Hello, John. It's Johnny. Rove saw that and called me and said, you've got the goods. And fucking here we are. You're like, who's that? John? John. Hello, John. It's John. So then you're working for the project. I'm like, and I asked someone, I was like,

how's Xavier writing, how's it going in there, in the writer's room? And someone said to me, they were watching the TV screen into the writer's room, and one of the panellists was reading the joke list and just frowning and then looked up and went, who's Xavier Michaelides? And they go, oh, that's one of the writers. And she goes, is he well?

No. I'm not well. Are you working for the project still? That's also a weird thing Carl's trying to talk around the fact That he also works at the project as well That's fine, yeah Can I tell a story about you as well? Please

Great Carl Great joke writer But also the king of capitalisation italics Really has to fucking do a big old swing to get the joke across a lot of times

you'll see like and then it's like the joke is like and then the dog did a fart in the den or something like that or the dog fart on my

face it's like the dog capitals farted italics in my face exclamation mark and it works that is funny that is funny

so you know your way around shortcuts on a keyboard yeah guilty roasted with punctuation yeah yeah you got me It works. That is funny. That is funny. So you know your way around shortcuts on a keyboard. Yeah, guilty, roasted with punctuation. Yeah, yeah, you got me. Hey, I had never smoked meth before.

And during spring. There's a guy in the second row just fanning himself off the heat of this story already. No, there's a lot of FIFO workers in the audience like, what? Yeah, for the first time. This is Perth. Look up there. There's a walking of FIFO workers in the audience like, what? Yeah, for the first time? Yeah. This is Perth. Look up there, there's a walking dog. Or talking dog. Anyway, so I was...

Gotcha. So I was at Fringe World. For the listener at home, we're looking out in the crowd and everyone in the audience is smoking meth right now. It's like we're at a concert with all the lighters out, just hitting the barbie. So I had heard much talk of this drug, ice. Yes.

And during Fringe World, I ran into an old colleague. Yeah. And he said... That's how you tell a story. What are you? Yeah, it's good. And don't name your wife. That wasn't the old colleague.

Anyway, he goes, do you want to smoke meth in a hotel room with us? And I thought ah fuck you know I'm sure once will be okay it is really known for being easy to kick history history is littered

with dabblers of ice yeah that's what they say ice only once that brackets you'll be fine don't worry about it

yeah one and done one and done the second time you'll be fine to worry about it. Yeah, one and done. One and done. The second time, you'll be like, all right. It's like a British sitcom. Come on. Six and you're out. Six and you're out.

Well, I have seen The Ice Addict, and I have no intention of digging holes in my face or losing my teeth, and I'm sure they all say that at the beginning. Yeah. Hang on, let me bring Fleety now. I've been invited many times and I thought, you know what, at the tender age of 57, why not let your curiosity get the better of you.

Yeah, yeah. Curiosity got the meth. So we went and rolled the bowl, and that was exciting, watching the bowl fill with smoke. And like, don't breathe in too hard, they're all coaching me, otherwise you'll end up with a burning shard in your lungs. And then I sucked it in, and everyone was like, oh, what's it like?

I went, ah, it's fucking nothing. Seven hours later. And had a lot of conversation about nothing. Yeah. And then watching the people I was with shooting meth up, I thought, I reckon it's time to leave. Yeah. They'd got past smoking and said,

do you want to... We've got a clean syringe and they ripped open a bag. I went, you know what? I'm going to go and stare at the wall in my room for a while. Yeah, because you're back in Perth, there's a great Lawrence Mooney story where you were on the tear. You haven't been drinking for a while. We didn't even think you were going to have a beer here,

but you haven't been drinking for a while. I haven't drunk for about six weeks. Oh, right. So it's good. Yeah, nice. But I have got a beer. Yes, a few years ago, there's a great story about you where you were in a very punchy phase of life

and you were like, for whatever reason, you're having a drink and you're sitting around with other comics. Punchy phase me? And you were like slapping. Oh, the slapping phase. It was the slapping phase. It was the slapping phase, but it was also, you can slap me as hard as you like,

but the deal is I get to slap you back. So you were sitting, so you were drinking. And who proposes this deal? Do you propose the deal? I propose the deal. So you can slap me first, as hard as you like.oses this deal? Do you propose the deal? I propose the deal. So you can slap me first. As hard as you like. And this is years before you've ever tried meth as well.

The idea is you've got to miss the ear so you don't punch someone's ear. Or you can't hit their eye so you don't detach their retina. But the side of the head, you can fucking whack them as hard as you like. So you've said a fair game already. And do you know what? Men being men, really warm to the task, okay? So guys were fucking laying it on. It's like, okay, now it's my turn.

And so it went. Yeah, yeah. In fact, Dave Callan really quite enjoyed slapping your face. Men would rather beat the shit out of Dave Callen than go to therapy. But, you know, it seems like men enjoy a level of authorised violence. Also, you're a good person because it's much easier

to find a spot between your eye and ear on your head than it is on regular heads. There's a fair amount of distance. Like, I can't miss that spot. There's a lot of canvas to work with. There's a lot of canvas? But if we're trying to hit Tommy, I 100%, I reckon 75% I and then 30% of the time...

Yeah, you're clipping me. Oh, and Mooney, do they go first or do you go first? No, no, they go first. So the invitation is there so it's an invitation classic if you like. As I come to my golf course, I'm being funded by the Saudis. Yeah.

You hit off and I'll follow. It's the live of male violence. Yeah, so absolutely. You go first, but I get to go second. Because when you go first, you don't know what the barometer of how hard you can hit is. So I would do like a very little like, oh, yeah, just like a bump like that.

And you're like, all right, me. And then you put the brass knuckles on. The best part,uckles on and i saw this happening without knowing what the game was i was just out the festival and i'd be walking around the festival club and then i just see you in the corner just a silhouette of you going some young comic and then go yeah great dude i'm like what the fuck is going on there it caught on like fucking wildfire till it had a very bad end. Well, it was this, Ian. Can I tell this? This is the thing I'm talking about. You're in Perth and you're sitting around in a house full of comics.

Oh, no, that wasn't the end. Well, you're all doing it to each other and you've laid out the rules, obviously, and then after a couple of hours in comes Nick Capper, who didn't know any of the rules. You walk up, slap him, and he just goes bang and clocks you between the eyes and just absolutely fucking knocks you over. So yeah, he gave me a big black eye and

quite a bruise on the face but Ben Russell had said go and do a DiCaprio, he loves this game. So I went over and just fucking... Oh, that's a new element. That's a new detail. I didn't know that. And it was like chaos. It was a full wind up to it.

I'm out here. I'll just fucking crack him as hard as I can. He goes, what the fuck, Moonie? Crack. And I just laid out on the ground. Country boy. The way I heard it was just that his country boy attitude took over. He just forgot himself for a second.

What the fuck? Kappa's a big dude. He's a big raw-boned fucking boy from Gundawindi and then laid me out. Wait, so you were saying before

this wasn't the end of the game. It kept going after you got a black eye. I think it followed into the following year's Comedy Festival. So the game had really got momentum.

Fuck, it was... I can bring it back. It was really like a pandemic. It was the original pandemic. It lasted a year and a half. Crossed borders. So Callan did it to me at the Hi-Fi Lounge and he's like,

Are you ready to start the game? There's no strippers here so let me strike you. So he just fucking clocked me as hard as he could and it was loud too. Sometimes it can be really loud. And this woman started screaming.

Like screaming. Big trigger. sometimes it can be really loud and this woman started screaming like screaming big trigger like male violence in her life not good yeah starts screaming goes starts going bananas that her friends calming her down turns around me goes what the fuck are you doing get out and this this whole scene starts and the bouncers come over and are like, you've got to fucking go, man. This is what you've created. And there was genuine hysteria and I apologise to the woman that's like, no, no good.

She'd seen people that she'd heard that sound before and... Bad end to a fun game. You know what, though? There's still whispers that there's little slap clubs around the nation.

I was walking past an open mic the other night and I heard people whispering his name was Lawrence Mooney. His name was

Lawrence Mooney. There's a new gig called Slappers in Melbourne. I think it might be a tribute to the great man. And it started at a football club

I used to belong to and it was a Thursday night thing after the team was picked. Slap club and just fucking guys just really ramping up on one another's heads. I've lost

everyone. No one thinks that's a good idea. Go back to smoking meth I reckon. I reckon that's a better choice. That was the family gear to get us into the heavier stuff. So smoking meth. I reckon we could bring back That was the family gear to get us into the heavier stuff. So smoking meth. Yeah.

I reckon we could bring back Slap Club after this gig, I reckon. What do you think? That suit made that comment way worse. I reckon we could bring back Slap Club. What do you reckon, boys? And also this guy waving himself. Yeah, do it. Do it, please.

I'll watch it. I can't wait to see you's like, yeah, do it. Do it, please. I'll watch it. I can't wait to see you slap each other. Go for it. Man, what are you fucking holding illegal money in offshore islands? What the fuck? He looks like he's with Tommy. Tommy should speak in a Southern accent. I know, I know.

Southern accent. I think we could do with some slap club around here, Mr. It's been a long time since I've seen a cat fall off a roof. Jump, Maggie, jump. We'll need a couple of pink cheeks tonight, if you know what I mean. Cats always land on their feet. Jump, Maggie, jump. Well, you were telling me, Moon, before the show,

you've got a long history with Perth. You came here first in the 1980s, you were telling me, for the America's Cup. Yeah, 1987, I came across for the America's Cup. We'd won in 83 and I was going to be here and Frio was, you know, totally refurbed according to the people in Perth. And

now it's all been bought up by... What did it look like before this? Well, it's expensive real estate now. It's all Notre Dame Universitaire. I've just realised how much of a plantation owner you look like. Yeah, it does. It's crazy. You look like fucking Calvin Candy over here.

So tell me, Tommy, what are those 11 different herbs and spices? I knew we weren't done. I knew there was more in the tank. And this is the only thing that people seem to want, annoyingly enough. Yeah, we talk about violence in Perth for 10 minutes. I don't even like it. It's weird. If we can't do it here, where can we do it?

Yeah, exactly. I remember your film review of Django Unchained. What was it? Full of lies, lies, lies. Those folk were treated fairly. They wanted to do it. They like the cotton. They get that fresh air.

That good, fresh southern air. I love to see where the edit points are. It's exciting. For people at home, we do have a crowd mic. There's just nothing going into it at the moment. The edit will just be it starts and someone says, Tommy, you're wearing a suit? And that's it.

Nice suit, Tommy. Looking good. Tony's wearing a suit, right? I smoked ice. suit, Tommy. Looking good. Totally wearing a suit, right? I smoked ice. Thanks, mate. See you,

dickhead. We were talking a lot about coming over to Perth and how we were going to get Perth comedians and I looked up,

when you look up a website, it says all the Perth comedians, all that comes up is impersonators of Borat, impersonators of Austin Powers, impersonators of all this stuff.

So I was trying to get someone hired for this show. So we'll get into that. But what I also found, when you try and hire a comedian online, you get a lot of like, are you on any of those websites that's just like hire an Australian comedian? Do you ever get any of those calls or is it just through your management? I think, well, I don't get any direct calls from or is it just through your management i i think well i don't get any direct calls from hiring australian comedian yeah yeah dot com there's there's no but

honestly there's a bunch there's a bunch of these out there and so i looked i looked at them and i was like when i was trying to find someone for here and then i was like fuck there's some familiar faces on here so there's quite a good bio of young young tomm Tommy Daslow that I don't even know if he's aware that he's on this website. Have you ever got a call out of the blue from like Australian comedians.com.au? No. No. Well you're on there. Okay. Well I am

an Australian comedian. Yeah. So I don't know if anyone that listens to this show wants to hire one but this is the bio. This is the cell that Tommy Daslow has and this is a brand new website. Okay. Brand new? This is a brand new website. Okay, brand new? This is a brand new website. Right, so you made this website in the half hour before the show. No, no, no.

World's biggest cunt. Book him for your event. No, this is literally your bio on a brand new website. This is absolutely legit. Exciting, young, fresh, authentic and original. These are just some of the adjectives that describe 16-year-old Tommy Daslow.

He is young but old enough to make you laugh until you cry and not even legally allowed to be in most of the venues he has allegedly been performing in. I think my geography teacher might have written this. Critics say he is such a talent to watch out for simply because he is such a natural. Yes, Tommy Dasso is collectively garnering those most perfect

reviews from fans and critics all across Australia. Not only can he perform comedy, he can write it as well. Actually writing his own script solo. Yeah. Thank you. Actually writing.

It should write actually writing his own scripts, plural. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very good, very good. Tommy has written for some of the top ten rated television stations as well. Oh, right. Yeah. That's exciting, man.

The top ten rated television stations. I guess it would be, number one would be Channel 10. Yeah. Then probably nine. Two. Then nine live. Yeah. Seven.

Seven. Seven would be up there. SBS is in there. SBS. 10 Peach. Yeah, 10 Peach. 10 Peach. Seven Mate.

You love Ice Road Truckers and Gold Diggers. Fucking SBS Food. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah. SBS Food. SBS Food would be right up front. Yeah, yeah. ice road truckers and gold diggers fucking SBS food what are you talking about oh yeah SBS food it'd be right up front SBS food is the station that I am

on all the time 100% I love it with my kids I don't want to watch have them watching too much TV but for me SBS food

doesn't count as TV that's on all day it's just so therapeutic if it's not Rick Stein two hairy bikers like I just can't get enough recipes. Yeah. I love Rick Stein.

I don't know what's going on. That's the only thing you were telling before was a recipe from Two Hairy Bikers, wasn't it? Thank you for that smattering. Give a bit more of respect to this 16-year-old prodigy from AustralianComedians.com.au. Thank you for that smattering. Give a bit more of respect to this 16-year-old prodigy from AustralianComedians.com.au, thank you. I mean, he wrote that himself. He actually did.

Actually, Tommy, you look like you're on a cooking show, but they serve human flesh. With 11 different herbs and spices. Oh, that's lovely. Tonight, once again, we try the forbidden meat. Oh, that's lovely. Tonight, once again, we try the forbidden meat. Oh, that's lovely. What was his name? That's delicious.

Not many people eat the scrotum. But here at this street stall in Frio... Tonight, I'll show you how to perfectly season the anus. Some people find the anus chewy. I think it's a delicacy. You are on this new website, and I went through and found all the people that we know on there. This is a brand new website.

Two of the people on there are dead. Wow. They've written new bios about two dead people on there. And I'm still 16 on this. So if I get a call through this website, I'm going to have to pretend to be 16.

Yes. Turn up on a skateboard where a back backwards cab. Yeah, guys. Hello. Don't you hate it when your mum sends you to bed without dinner?

It's just one of the many scripts that I've written by myself. All by yourself. All by myself. Which of the top 10 Australian TV stations was that for? I had a guy who had seen me in Brisbane and I was at the airport and he was at the airport and he said,

oh, I saw another show at the Brisbane Comedy Festival last year and oh, this poor bastard. There was no one in the audience but it was a really good show. And he turns to his wife and she goes, what was the name of that guy? She goes, oh, I don't know, Tommy? And I said, Daslo. And she goes, yeah, that's right. And you sent me that and I wrote back and I said,

thank you for sending me that because I felt like that run was pretty rough and it really destroyed my confidence in the show. And then you wrote back and you said, just remember, Tommy, it's always better than you think and worse than you could ever imagine. And then he put the bowl down. I did send some photos to some contemporaries that night. Of me smoking ice. Still relevant. Still relevant. some contemporaries that night.

And me smoking ice. Yay! Still relevant. Yeah. My office for the day, that kind of stuff. Like what were you sending? So who are these dead comedians on the website? Oh, I'm not going to say they're dead comedians,

but there are other alive ones. Are they comedians that died or comedians that are dead? That's where he draws the line. Yes, yes. You might like this one, this bio. There's one of Fiona O'Loughlin on there. It says... She's still alive. Yeah, well, her career's not, but yeah.

Well, who knows? Yeah. Fiona O'Loughlin, you should get ready for stomach-hurting laughter when you see Fiona O'Lachlan step out onto the stage. Fiona has won several awards and was part of every major comedy festival until 2009 when she fainted during a live performance in Melbourne. She later admitted to being an alcoholic and went into rehab. At one time, she was consuming two bottles of vodka before every performance and became suicidal.

Contact us to get in touch with Fiona O'Loughlin Bullshit. and learn about her schedule and booking. What the fuck? It literally says that. Was this written by an AI? It must have been.

It must be. It must be, honestly. That makes no sense, Eddie. It literally says that. You can look it up. It literally says that. So it's called AustralianComedians.com

It's, fuck. I'll find out what it is. I need to go read this tonight. Yeah, totally. Why am I not on this website? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop throwing drink cards at me. I'm trying to take...

Oh, Jesus. That's insane, man. So... Yeah. So is that because they just, you already know what her rider is? They're like, get it. Man, it's...

All right, fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so many good bits on here. Here's, man, how's this? This is insane. Check this like, get it. Man, there's so many good bits on here. Here's, man, how's this? This is insane. Check this out. Greg Fleet. Oh, no. Today he's in high demand for all sorts of events.

Insane stuff. They're just making stuff up on this website. I'm not going to help you bully the infirmed. I'm not going to sit up here and just go, Fiona's an alcoholic, laughing up. Fleety's all in high demand. How fucking dare you?

That's things on the website. That's all. If nothing else, comedy is a home to people who are infirmed and not suitable for any other role in society. And in fact, it was Xavier Michelides who came up with a great analogy that said comedy is like the dragnet, a big fishing dragnet along the bottom of the sea, and it picks up everything.

And when it dumps it on the deck of comedy, there's some silvery species, some rare fish, some wonderful things to look at and an old battery and a tyre and some sludgy jellyfish that goes, I've got five I'll give it a break. And I think that's a wonderful

analogy. You always say something I said, all I said was comedy is a drift net for losers. And then you just expanded into this amazing bigger thing. He grabs the losers and we're like, okay, I'm a comedian now.

That was Xavier's first draft of the project. Comedy is a drift net for losers. Smokesmith. Lightbulb. It's more don't breathe too hard. Once you're entangled in it, you can't get out. I always say that it's like,

Oh yeah, there's no way out. There's no way out. It's hard to say no to a gig. Even if you're like, I'm quitting comedy. Someone can go, I've got 50 bucks,

just come up and say some of your old shit gear. And it's like, there's always the fucking rusty mattress to fall back on of comedy. Like I'll never stop doing it. The rusty mattress. You know, it's our safety net. It's our safety net.

It's a rusty mattress. You go, lucky comedy's here to save me. You know, I'm going to take that rusty mattress and the next time you hear that analogy, there's going to be a whore on it. Sex worker. Yes.

Sex worker. I've paid my dues. I've paid my dues You paid some dues to do what? To call them as I choose Oh it seems to be a whore on this old Rusty mattress Is that the whore house that Desiloe runs? Come to my whole house of rustling matches and lovely ladies.

I've been running this whole house since I was 16 years old. Boy, if you don't like the pussy, just get some oregano on it. Seasoning. You got to email australiancomedians.com.au And get them to update The Fleety profile To include the narrowing sketch Oh yes

Missing out on some valuable bookings There's a lot of more stuff Without that information Man this fucking Do you know what Life's just so easy As a plantation owner Yeah

It does look good It looks good But I hate it when you come on here You sound good You're without conscience You can do what the fuck you like I'm so it when you come on here. You sound good. You're without conscience. You can do what the fuck you like. I'm so sick of you coming on here and doing the same gear that you did on Breakfast Radio. It's insuriant.

I could see you being a plantation owner, Mooney. I could see that. That would suit you. I could see you bringing it back this year. Having a Long Island iced tea on the porch. People coming up to you. Hey, Big Daddy Howdy Mr Moon

Stop trying to butter me up I know what you're at And I tell you what sissy Compliments will get you everywhere You've thought about this You had all of that ready to go Yeah we've all had trouble with the sheriff But I know how to work his soft spot

Get to work You don't want to be racist But you could have a plantation For just open mic comedians Oh yeah my plantation's overgrown. I let the workers go. What about... I don't know if we ever told this story on this show.

I love the story that when you did a gig and you replaced someone and then when... It was like they were advertised and then you were the replacement and then the MC, whoever brought you to stage... The president of the football club. Here we go, so you know it.

Yeah. So I was replacing Matt Hardy, whose mum was sick and then the MC, whoever brought you to stage... The president of the football club. Here we go, so you know it. Yeah, so... So I was replacing Matt Hardy, whose mum was sick and she has since passed away, but it was many years hence. And so I went out to the Swan Hill Football Club and it was their smokers' afternoon where guys pay $50 to drink as much as they can.

There's a comedian and strippers, okay? So when I got out there... In what order? Well, the comedian first, but also the men. That's where the comedy really begins. I love to laugh at a stripper. I go, oh, those are the funniest tits I've ever seen. But I get a right drink stand-up.

Yeah, me too. I'm always jacking off at stand-up. I'm all jazzed out. It's very hard to jack off while you're laughing. You can do it, though. It can be done. I don't think it can be done. You think about when you're watching porno,

you go, ha, ha, ha, and then you go, hmm. You've got to get into some kind of crouching hunch. You get a rhythm. You get a rhythm going. It must really... The blood's really confused. It's jutting all around your body. You can't laugh when you're jacking off.

It cannot be done. Prove us wrong. Send us a video if you can do it. Anyway, so I get out of this place, and it's just so drunk it was intimidating. And the guy goes, okay, guys, time for our comedian. The first comedian I booked couldn't make it because his mum was crook. And so we got this other bloke. Please put your hands together for Mr. Lawrence.

Mr. Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence. Merry Christmas together for Mr Lawrence. Mr Lawrence. Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence. Yeah, so he introduces me as a character, well, played by David Bowie, in a sadistic Japanese prisoner of war movie. They would have all seen that movie out at the Swan Hill Footy Club. But I wish that I was buried to my head in sand and being beheaded rather than facing those fucking munters out there.

So I die. I'm getting caught in Woolmouth. My back's sweating. I get 15 minutes into the 40 I'm meant to do and I get the best heckle I've ever had, which is a guy at the back of the room just goes, I wish your mum was crook. I wish your mum was crook.

And at that moment I wish she was too. It might be the best heckle ever. Yeah, best heckle ever. Not even you, your mum. And away I went. Worst gig of all time. I stopped at a mobile service station. I went in, I was kind of shaking. It was a very traumatic

event because I don't die as a comedian. Did you ring your mum to see if she was alright? No. In case that was like a witch in the crowd. I went in and I ordered two steamed dim sims and I saturated them in soy sauce and I sat in my car kinds and I saturated them in soy sauce

and I sat in my car kind of like suckling them for comfort, like they were a large salty nipple. Now, I've heard that story a few times, but never that last little bit. Really worth a retelling there. And, you know, soy sauce dripping down my chin like I was a hungry baby. It was the black mother's milk of comfort. And they say you can't laugh and jerk off. So no, I didn't ring my mum, but I summoned her up.

Yeah, yeah. I got, it made me think of... Hey, look, I'm sorry to be rude. I need to take a piss. I'll be right back. I've got, I'm only 16. Excuse me, excuse me. Speak like the man you are. I need to do a piss. I'll be right back. I've got... I'm only 16. I've got a small bladder. Excuse me. Speak like the man you are.

I need to do a urination. And I'm going to take my time to unsheathe my penis. I need to evacuate. Will that do? I need to micturate. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

All right, Tommy's back. It's good because if he does put any drops on that suit, we won't be able to tell, which is exciting. It's pretty good. It made me think of that story this week because my child is now of the age, little blanket's four years old, and she comes home from school and brings a book home

and they'll write stuff in it. And she brought back her book this week and it just, we opened it, and there was just one thing written on a page and it said, I wish my dad would come back. I didn't go away. So she finally worked out you're not a real dad.

Wish my dad would come back. Yeah, I didn't go anywhere. From Thailand? What does she mean? No, but Tommy Little's busy. No, but Tommy Little's busy. Oh, no. No.

But then I found out. You think so? Yeah. Isn't that weird? So we sat around and talked about it for an hour. I was like, what? I'm here. What the fuck is going on?

Then we found out it was just some other kid had written in her book whose dad was dead. Oh. That kid at school whose dad dies. Yeah. And you kind of stay away from them. Yeah. I went to school. You don't want to catch it.

Because in case you catch it, yeah. You don't want your dad to die. Don't want to case a dead dad. This is how old I am. I was at school in 1971 and the Westgate Bridge in Melbourne collapsed. And so one span comes down and it crushed the lunch sheds underneath. Ninety people, I think, died. And a couple of men that were on the span surfed that span down.

Some died, some survived. Wow. Anyway, we had a kid in our class and her dad was on the bridge. Was a surfer. He was not a surfer. He was trying to catch a wave and he died.

Anyway, there was... Like, wow, wipeout. Like, yeah. He's hanging to him. Watch out, here comes the bridge. And so people arrive at the door and I won't say her name, but she goes out of the class. Don't say her name.

And she disappears. And then, you know, the teacher's crying and like, kids are like, well, what's going on? Then things get a little bit derailed. Then the next day it's like her father, you probably heard it on the news, her father died on the Westgate Bridge and it's like, ooh, she's got germs.

Just like barley, I don't want my dad to die on a poorly engineered bridge. The really fucked up thing about that is that... We know what that was, but yeah, go on. What do you think it was? No. The next year, our class went on an excursion to the bridge to go, that's where the Westgate Bridge collapsed.

And there's this fucking, you know, bit of non-bridge and then a large non-bridge and then a bit of span on the other side. It's like,

that's where it happened. Are we? That's where the bridge is being built. That's where your dad went splat. Yeah. And one day

it'll be the subject of a lot of suicide jokes on a podcast called The Little Dumb Dumb Club. So did they bring the girl whose dad died on the excursion? I think she might have got a note. I reckon she gets the day off.

From her mum saying, can you excuse Susan from the trip to where her dad... In case she finds her dad. Anyway, we saw this skull. The good old days. Yeah, that's great. Well, we're doing our best to drive this podcast into the ground, but let's go.

You started with a podcast, I mean a website of dead people. So we were talking about that because I was trying to hire a Perth comedian. We, man, I tried so hard to get all these people, Borat, what was the other one? Nugget, Flanagan, all these, like heaps of people. I hit them up heaps of times.

No one got back to me. Then a couple got back to me and they were like, yeah, we can send you an impersonator of Borat. It's only going to cost you $650 for 10 minutes. High five! And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, what the fuck? And then they go, oh, hang on, add three grand because we have to fly him in from Brisbane.

We're not paying $4,000 for a fake Borat here for 10 minutes. I like! When does an impersonation like that just have to stop? I mean, is someone out there still doing... Absolutely. Sasha Baron Cohen's

still doing it. And when you see him do it, you're like, oh, you're just doing an impression of it now. It's weird as fuck. Oh, wow, that's funny. So the only...

So... It's fucking weird, man. He was living here. Remember when he was living here? Yeah, he was. You could have gotten him for 650 bucks. Oh, yeah.

Did anyone see him when he was here? No. There's three LEG characters down the road. There aren't, like, right now. What? Can you go and get them? Hold on. Do you reckon it's just guys on a bucks night or something?

Yeah, right. I was going to say, is this just three people with moustaches and you got a bit mixed up? What's going on? So the only person I could get for our budget, for our $100 budget, please welcome to the stage Super Mario. Super Mario.

Wow. That is just such a surprise. Hi, Super Mario. It's-a me, Mario cunt. Wah-hoo. Fucking wah-hoo, mate. Oh, because you're Italian. I'm Italian, mate.

Oh, right oh right right right yeah Wahoo oh great now I see where the hundred dollars went yeah so you're allowed to do that voice because your

last name's Dassolo is that why who Dassolo's still in the toilet oh sorry yeah Mario Mario's my last name

yeah oh so your full name is what Mario Mario oh Mario Mario's your full name Mario Mario's my full name

yeah yeah great great are you that's Luigi, right? I mean, like... Are we all fucked in the head? Like, that's fucking Luigi. Am I fucking stupid?

That's... He's got the L on him. Well, you're wearing that shirt and you're not fucking Rove, cunt, so... Yeah, he's got me there. Yeah, he's got me there. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Why is there an L on your hat? For fucking legend, mate. I'm Mario. Hang on. Are you Xavier in a hat? This is how Carl sees me. When Carl thinks of me, he just thinks of a dude with a moustache going,

Hey, what the fuck's going on, big head? Can I have a gig, Carl, you fucking fuckhead? No, it's great to be here At the little dum dum clubs Wahoo It's a me Mario Oh yeah Does Mario speak like that on Mario Brothers?

Yeah mate You sound more like Guido Hatzis Tell us about your Mario Kart Does it have subwoofers in it? Yeah yeah Do you take chicks down theers in it? Yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good. Do you take chicks down the block in it, bro? Yeah, yeah.

It's got some sick rims on it. Et cetera. Et cetera. How much longer is there to go, mate? Seriously, can you go get the LEGs that are on the road? Can I actually... Can you go and check on Tommy? Can you go and get Tommy back? Yeah,? Can you go and check on Tommy?

Can you go and get Tommy back? Yeah, where's that... A check on Tommy? Where's that little 16-year-old skippy who's usually on the show? Oh, the one that writes his own scripts? Yeah. I think he's in there writing the big one right now. Go check on him.

So can I ask about the seminal moment? No talking. Do not talk over me. When did this become a good idea? When we got a lot of no's from professionals. Not yet, that's for sure.

Can I finger your face? I'll do one of my famous catchphrases from the Mario video games. I want you to slap me as hard as you can. Knock some fucking comedic sense into me. Knock the moustache off him. I think you only need to blow that off him, though, to be fair. That was a different time.

Yeah. To be fair, to give the slapping some context, it was 2016. Right. When physical violence was cool. No, it was consensual violence. Yes, yes. Which is the best form of... I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jesus Christ,

I wish we had a rad dad I tell you what having an L on your forehead certainly suits you at the moment so yes and have you been upgraded for the flight home because you should wear that in business and though Have you been upgraded for the flight home? Because you should wear that. In business.

Mr Cart. Would you like a... Hang on now, that's his name, Mario Cart. Yeah. Like John Lowe. Mr Cart. They are nice. My official Super Mario loafers.

You've got an Italian loafer on. Yeah, that's the only Italian thing about you right now. Those shoes. Also, when you have a mushroom, does that mean you actually grow it a regular human adult size? Fuck, I've waited a long time because everyone's been chatting for a while. I've had that for about 20 minutes.

I've been like... There we go. I prefer the plantation owner. I'm a man of many different characters. I could be the new Sacha Baron Cohen. The moustache does suit you, though. I honestly think you should grow one of those moustaches. It looks good.

Thanks. Mario. Thanks, Xavier. Thank you, Xavier. Xavier, how long have you had a stache? A year now. A tache. Yeah had a stash? A year now. A tash. Yeah, a stash for a year, yeah.

Really? I would have thought you always had one. Well, I had a beard and I just shaved it off and left the stash. Oh, right, okay. Now, look, just an update. I just got this text now. One of the bookings did confirm. Oh, thank God.

We've got another special guest. Guys, please welcome Sage Wright now. Put your hands together for Austin Powers. No! Oh, yeah. Please welcome stage right now Put your hands together For Austin Powers Very Perth baby Very Perth I know it's usually Austin Powers who's horny but I'm fucking horny

right now did somebody say fuck sandwich like fucking hell did somebody say fuck sandwich I'll just feed you

a couple Austin yes well this is comedy in a nutshell this is it isn't it did my dick just eat a super mushroom because it's gotten bigger?

It's a pleasure to be here. I'll say some of my famous catchphrases with a Perth twist. Yep. Good of you not to do the voice as well for some reason, but yep. This is the voice, bro. Subiaco,

baby, yeah! That's the only one I thought of alright guys pretty good behind the box fuck you look stupid yeah I feel like

a real fucking idiot right now this is why we want to get out and do one live when we do the studio we don't get to dress up as much

the costume box at my house disgracefully untouched for the last eight months we want to get out and do one live, when we do the studio apps we don't get to dress up as much. The costume box at my house, disgracefully untouched for the last eight months. We should dress up for those episodes in your spare room. We really should. Anyway. So, can I ask? To still not be able to get momentum while dressed like this is devastating.

It's so annoying because Carl messaged me yesterday and was like, can you dress up as Austin Powers for this thing? And I was like, yeah, I'll do it, fine. And then he said, I asked Xavier first and Xavier said he wouldn't do it. No, he didn't say he wouldn't do it. He goes, you know who should do it? Cam.

I said Cam would be perfect for it. Don't waste it on me. I can't do the voice. And I 100% can do the voice as well. Can you actually do the voice? No, this is literally what happened. No, I said, can you do this? And you go, you know who'd be really good for it?

Cam James. I go, no, I think you would be. You go, no, Cam James, absolutely. And I went, do you just not want to do it? And you go, yes. Because for a long time long time I was the guy who would get dressed up for dumb dumb shows

and it was always that thing where you guys would tell me something had happened in a previous episode that I had no fucking idea about

and you go can you dress up as Carl's mum because we had an episode we talked about Carl's mum it'll be great so I'd wear like some fake boobs

and put on a wig and walk out and go hi I'm Carl's mum and then Carl would and put on a wig and walk and go hi i'm carl's mom and i'll go no you're fucking not and go great fuck off mom so i'm like i don't want to do that anymore but in retrospect i should have done it it's paid off for camton so it also worked out really well because carl then messaged me a few hours later and said,

Hey, I can't find an Austin Powers costume. Can you bring yours? And I was like, what? And he was like, you probably have one. I don't fucking have one. I know. You know what? So this is, well, it's not Austin Powers.

Sorry. It's not official. It's officially the Groovy Man kit. Yeah. We couldn't get the rights to the actual Austin Powers kit, but this is literally what happened. I got it in an op shop, and this is literally the transaction behind the till at the op shop.

I go to buy it, and the guy looks at me and goes, discount for concession or pensioner? He said that to me. So I'm either disabled or 70 or both. Yeah, yeah. Groovy, baby. Do people still know who Austin Powers is? Did the guy at the op shop know?

I don't know. He knows who Groovy Man is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think Groovy Man's more popular than Austin Powers these days. All the kids are talking about Groovy Man. knows who Groovy Man is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think Groovy Man's more popular than Austin Powers these days. All the kids are talking about Groovy Man. Yeah, Groovy Man rocks. This is a... And, you know, I'm not a tech guy,

but the platform is an audio thing, isn't it? Yes, thank God. So we're dressing up on a podcast. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Does anyone want this? Does anyone want this? It's a medallion.

Man medallion. You want it? People are turning down a free medallion. Yeah. That's yours. Yeah. I'm going to slowly disrobe. I don't know if anyone wants this, but...

Wow. Yeah. A new character, John Powers. Say hello to your mum for me, baby. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is actually... Turns gay for me, baby, yeah. Oh, my God. That is actually quite arousing because the laciness is feeling like it could be a girl's undies. I mean, they're pretty small, so maybe a little mouse, a sexy mouse could wear this.

And I'd laugh and jack off at the same time to her. Oh, yeah. Rodent porn's my favourite. Yeah, I feel awesome. Career highlight, Cam? It's up there, yeah. Yeah.

Up there with Little Dance that Rove made me do and getting screamed at by Shane Jacobson. It's probably in the top three. Why did

Jayco scream at you? It's a long story. After this episode I think his threat is going to come true and you're never going to work in this town again. Well, you know it's a good episode when these words come out.

That'll do. Yeah, let's wrap it up there. Give a big round of applause. Cam James, Xavier Michaelides, Lawrence Mooney. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next time. See you, mates.

Bye. And they've done it again. All right. We're back. Hey, thanks for sticking around, guys. This is, of course, we're going to do Talking Dum Dum now. Everyone's favourite part of the show you can see people turning to their partners going

oh shit. A few people have left and those are the people that usually skip it on the recorded episode. They saw what was coming. Fair enough. Fair fucks to you. We're going to have guests on Talking Dum Dum. They're very surprised guests. It's Mario and Austin Powers again.

No, it's Xavier Michelinies as Cameron James. Yes. Zayv and the Bone Man. Cameron Bone, get in your seat. Yay. How quickly you change from that Austin Powers disguise. That's amazing. I don't know what you're talking about.

I was dressed as Groovy Man. Different guy. Totally different guy, legally speaking. Yes. Yeah. He's not so much horny. No. guy, legally speaking. Yes. He's not so much horny. No. He's aroused. He's aroused.

I'm aroused, baby. I'm a wretch, baby. I'm so fucking aroused right now, baby. I've got half a mongrel, baby. Can you tickle my balls, baby? I want to get my fuck on, baby. I'm going to cum, baby. I'm going to cum, baby. I've already pre-cummed, baby. I want to get my fuck on, baby. I'm going to cum, baby. I'm going to cum, baby.

I've already pre-cummed, baby. I've already pre-cummed hard. I'm sopping wet down there, baby. One of these is going to make you guys laugh. No. And Xavier, you've come as Austin's arch nemesis, Dr. Bad.

Yes. Dr. Badman. Dr. Badman. Dr. Badman. Dr. Badman. I'm trying to quickly think of a Dr. Bad... $1 million is his catchphrase. And so an alternative to that... Yes, would be.

$10,000. Yeah, nice. That's a lot of money. $1 million AUD. Do you want to invest in Bitcoin, baby? NFTs. Yeah, we got there. We got there.

We got there, man. Who else is there? There's the big Scottish guy, huge cunt. I want to eat a toddler. Get in my stomach. I like how you're trying to make a funnier name than fat bastard. Not a funnier one, just a legally grey one. And, of course, silver cock from the third one.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good. Silvercock. Bronze dick. My dick is bronze. Just said the name. Not really a joke is it? But come on. Man they're great movies.

I'm going to go back to the hotel room smoke some ice and chuck on all three Oscar powers. Bat off until I pass out. I'm going to go for a beer down the road to find those other Borats. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when that guy said that, when he was like, there's three Sacha Baron Cohen characters down there,

I'm like, did you just see, like, a fucking European guy and a gay guy? Yeah. I'm going to beat him. Yeah. It does feel like profiling, just walking past three friends and being like, Ali G, cunts, you're all Ali G. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say that to them?

That would be a real balls of Ali G. Yeah, we've never seen someone in Perth with a moustache without a fucking beard as well. What the fuck is going on here? What, sorry? Oh, yeah, there's one of them there. Yeah, yeah, all right. Whoa, fuck. Yeah. Whoa, that's trippy man

That's fucking trippy That's fucking trippy Yeah when I did this and I came to Perth people were like what the fuck is this shit dude What the fuck you doing Yeah

How is living in Perth safe Great I know honestly Of course I know I'm supposed to then talk shit about Perth for a while

but I'm enjoying it. Wasn't there a point you were living in a caravan, though? I was working in a caravan. Big difference. Yeah, on your back. Look, there was a moment when I first had to live with my parents-in-law and I had to work in their caravan. And yeah.

What? Hang on, how do you get a work in their caravan and yeah what? how do you get a job in a caravan? and that was honestly a low point I'll admit that I was depressed

I was like what the fuck have I done? but after a while I started to enjoy that caravan you had to pay the rent somehow

you didn't have any grass it's like the myth of vehicles the caravan everyone's up around on it but once you try it, you're like, this isn't too bad. I'm hooked. What were you doing on the caravan?

Were you like, what, like fixing it up? No, I was working in it. Like I had to work remotely and I needed a separate space to work. The house was too small, so I'd go work in the caravan. I had air conditioning. I had my own kettle, microwave. It was fucking beautiful. It was a comfortable chair. You don't get a kettle at a co my own kettle, microwave, toilet. It was fucking beautiful. It was a comfortable chair.

You don't get a kettle at a co-working space. No, no. Was there a chemical toilet or something? It was a chemical toilet. It smelled great. I forgot to empty it, sure. And then my father-in-law had to empty it and he was angry. But we've since patched that up.

Don't worry. I went to Sweden a couple of years ago. My brother lives over there and they live in this real hippie environment where they have one of those drop toilets in the house. And of course, I'm like destroying the drop toilet every day. Just meatballs coming out. And then one day I looked out the window

and I saw my brother's girlfriend's dad just emptying the drop toilet. Just having to wheel my shit across the lawn and dump it in their veggie patch or whatever the fuck. It's that funny thing where for them, their turds can probably just be broken down with sawdust. But because you're big city turds, they're going to take a whole lot more than just sawdust. He stomps them down. This is ridiculous. I think the Australian ones would really stand out. Yeah, yeah.

These Aussie turds. Where are you? Sorry. Sweden. These Aussie turds. Yeah, Sweden. These Aussie turds. Not the tomatoes are much better with the Aussie turds.

You got to invite back Cameron. He's Aussie turds, You got to invite back Cameron, his Aussie turds with the tomatoes. Is the Swedish chef from the Muppets cooking with Cam's turds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cameron's turds, don't be derby. So this is your brother,

Alan Key Bone? Fuck comedy, JT. Very good, very good. Very good stuff. I. Very good stuff. I do this full time. Yeah, there's a reason there's gaps in the crowd. Yeah. They can't handle it.

No. Hey, of course, what you guys want to hear, of course, is us reading out names, of course. Yeah. Fuck your names, yeah? Yeah. Names of people. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yes. Thank you to everyone who subscribes on patreon.com. Who does here? Oh, not bad. Yeah, not bad. But more interestingly, put your hand up if you don't. You can't. You fucking can't.

Heaps of them. You motherfuckers. Even though you paid to get in here. Fuck. Anyway. Thanks to everyone who subscribes. You motherfuckers. Even though you paid to get in here. Fuck. Anyway. Thanks to everyone who subscribes. You guys here. Love it.

Let's read out however many names. Let's see how many you guys have got in here. Thank you very much. So that's what we do. We read out names of people that subscribe. And if you have any thoughts on the names, feel free to let everyone know about them. Okay?

Because, I mean, you've got quite a good name, Cameron Bone, so you've been thinking about that for 35 years or so. Sure, I've been thinking about it. My girlfriend brought up a name of something to me the other day, and I just went on a tear about it, and she was like, I did not think that you would have

that much to say about a person's name. I was like, I spend minimum an hour and a half doing it every week. I've been training for this conversation my whole life. I have a special set of skills. I will find you and I will roast you.

I'll make fun of your name so much you'll return my daughter. I don't know that voice. I don't know that voice. What was it? Who's the man who kidnapped my daughter? Oh, his name's John Gay. All right.

Let me at him. Well, you're in trouble. There you go. There it is. Hello, Gaylord. How are you? Is that Gaylord Franny? Whoa.

Make fun of your name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Heath Chemersky. Heath Ledger. Yeah, you get it. Word association. Word association, right. This is like one of those ink blocks. He's from Perth.

Perth boy. Perth boy, right. Perth boy, yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyone know Heath Ledger here? Any relatives? Yes. Was that a yes? Don't give up. Well. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyone know Heath Ledger here? Any relatives? Yes? Was that a yes?

Don't give up. Well. Why? All right. Why? Hang on. Spoiler alert. What happened?

He fell out. You just fell out. He fell out. He fell out of life. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You want to know how I got these Tremurskis? That's something. That's something. No bad ideas in brainstorm wait. You want to know how I got these Trimmerskis? That's something. No bad ideas in brainstorming.

Did you actually know him or not? No. Everyone in Perth knows him through two people. You knew Batman who knew the Joker. Okay, we get it. I own a DVD and the DVD knew him very well. I knew the guy who ran Blockbuster and they had his movies in there.

You went to Heath Ledger's theatre once. You went to Heath Ledger's theatre and that's how you know him. I know Coca-Cola. I was an extra in a TV show, Sweat, and Heath Ledger was in that show. Oh, there we go. But everyone in Perth has that story.

There is a story everyone has. It's like, I went to the Claremont Speedway the day that he took fucking... Remember, he came here, he was dating someone, and he took them to the Claremont Speedway. And it's like, dude, what are you doing? Don't show her the best part of Perth. Save the Claremont Speedway.

What the fuck, dude? Are you serious this quick? Wow. Isn't that funny? There was a Speedway in Claremont as well. What the fuck was going on back then? What does that mean? Because is Claremont nice?

Claremont's like a very well-to-do area. And there was a speedway there that they were like yeah is that where they took speed yeah well they worked out the way to do it

next name come on I said it are we out of did anyone else know Heath Ledger anyone else got two degrees of separation

yeah you or what so you went to school with your sister that's a real connection that's a real connection. There we go. Everyone's got a story. Was she good?

Was she good? I don't know. At school? Yeah. Was she good at school? Yeah. Did she get good marks? Yeah. She was a drama kid. She was a drama kid. Story checks out. She was all... She made a lot of drama when her brother died. kid. Story checks out.

She made a lot of drama when her brother died. Okay, next question. Anyone here ever suck off Tim Minchin back in the day? Well, I sucked his shoes off, mate. Oh my god. That's good stuff. That's really good stuff.

I was at that Sydney party that Tim mentioned, Gatecrash. Have you heard that song? Yeah, that's a legendary song. Has anyone here heard this? Alright, Leno, let us have it. You've seen this? You've heard about this? There was a bushfire benefits gig in Sydney.

Is that how it started? You go to this party and they said, leave your shoes at the door and you just never picked them up? You summoned him. He got asked to do the bushfire benefit gig. He said, no, I'm busy that night. Then the night of the gig, which a bunch of us were on

and Will Anderson was headlining and stuff, Tim Minchin showed up at the gig to watch it, which was a weird power move, I thought. And then when the show finished, so Will Anderson finishes his headline set, leaves, the crowd starts filing out. Tim Minchin then walked to the stage. There was a grand piano on the stage, conveniently,

and started playing his own songs on the stage to the crowd that were leaving. It was all very fucking weird. And then there was an after party with all the comedians. That's a weird way of describing performing, by the way. Then he started playing his own songs. It's like he wasn't on. He could have played anything.

Yeah, what do you want him to do? Get up there and do twinkle, twinkle little stuff? Play fucking Hey Jude or something. Do Buddy Holly. And then there was an after party with all the comedians and he showed up at that which again, he wasn't on, but he did show up. And at

one point everyone was like, where'd Tim go? And then someone was like, he's in Tom Cashman's bedroom sitting on the bed. Shoes on, by the way. Shoes on on the bed. Shoes on on the bed. That's what he's like in his private life. He puts them on. Well, that makes sense because if he's not

wearing them while he's performing in an arts theatre, then he puts them on. He puts them on on the bed. He's fucking topsy-turvy this guy. He's the fucking barefoot investor of music. He's the bloody backwards man. He was in there on the bed by himself playing an acoustic guitar

that he'd found Under the bed or something Playing a bit of Blackbird or Wonderwall Yeah One of his own songs The Weirdo And he sat in there for a bit And everyone would kind of come in and out Just to like see

Everyone would be like We've got to go in and see what the fuck's going on in there Like a freak show Yeah Like the guy who can breathe underwater At the Adelaide Freak Watch him for a bit Like gossip in a house party.

Have you heard? Tim Minchin's playing his own songs in the bedroom. In the bedroom. And then he left and on the way out, he took a six pack from the fridge and just bailed. Oh, no. That's the best bit, I reckon. That's legendary.

I love that. Yeah, it's crazy. So funny. I mean, it was all anyone talked about. As soon as the door shut when he left, everyone was like, what the fuck is up with that guy? What a weird cunt.

But you're all talking about it. We're all talking about it. I mean, that's how you get remembered, you know? That was viral promo. That's how you create buzz. You pinch a six pack. Put your shoes on the bed and steal a six pack. You'll be doing well.

Maybe we should start doing shit like that Just walk into people's house parties Take a shit in the sink and leave Let us know if you're having a party tonight after this We'll come in and absolutely wreck it You'll get a call next day and they'll be like We've got a West End musical for you, ready to go That's what it takes?

Alright Alright, well thanks Heath Chemersky Got him Heath Chemersky. Got him. Heath Chemersky. That's how easy this show is, hey? What a fitting tribute. Thank you very much to the second cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Kylie Jones.

Kylie Jones? Thanks Kylie. Someone booed. Kylie Jones. Boo. Why do you hate Kylie Jones so much? That doesn't sound like someone from Perth. Fuck her.

Now that sounds like someone from Perth. Wow. Here we go. God. Gay. Very Perth. What? What's gay about the name Kylie Jones?

You know what? It's really hard to describe to other people that don't know what I do for a living. Like, when I meet someone, I'll say to them next time, when they say, what do you do for a living? I'll say, I did a show where we read out names. I read out the name Kylie Jones and someone said gay. And it destroyed it.

That's what I do for a living. That's what I'll tell Blanket when I see her tomorrow. You had to tell that to a bank manager when you got a loan for your house. So what do you do for a living? Well, I read out names. People say they're gay. Can I have money for a house, please?

Are you going to be able to continue to make the repayments? Oh, there's infinite names in there. Yeah, yeah. I'm never losing my job. There are plenty more gay names out there. I'm perception-proof. There's a lot of gay-sounding names out there. Don't worry.

Don't worry. He was like, you know what? You're right. Okay, third cap off the rank. Ooh, Matron. Libber Rachi. Okay. No, Kylie Jones. Oh, yeah, that's what I was going to do.

I was going to say, for each name I was going to read out from before, there's heaps more bios on that website of people that we know. I was going to read a little bit more bio. How's this? Dave O'Neill is on that website. Okay. Yep. He

Let's see. Dave O'Neill is a powerhouse of observational comedy. His routine also contains elements from the blue and cringe genres. Cringe. From r slash cringe. He's the top post on

r slash cringe. A Dave O'Neill bit about getting away from the kids. He cracks his punchlines with a deadpan face and incites rip-tickling laughter by revealing the ridiculous aspects of life in Australia.

This is mental. Although his acts often contain homophobic references. Does it seriously say that? It seriously says that. It seriously says that. It said that he had blue humour, not pink humour. Good lord. Text him and

see what he thinks of the name Kylie Jones. Let's put this theory to the test. And again, it's like the Fiona O'Loughlin thing before. This is a sales pitch for people to hire these people. And they put that stuff in there. You've got to know what you're going to get.

You're going to book a corporate gig and he's going to turn up and do that. Now you know. Do you need to know that Fiona Lachlan committed, tried to commit suicide when you're trying to hire someone for 20 minutes

at the fucking Cadbury corporate or? I've done corporate gigs where they've been like, I should have done my suicide gig. I've done gigs where they go,

yeah, you should try suicide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? The worst gig I ever did was a corporate that someone recommended me for and fuck knows why. And it was a gig at the Geelong Basketball Stadium. And there was like about 50 people in a basketball stadium

and they were about 100 metres away and I got up and absolutely copped in the face. And then when I got off, the organiser came up and went, does it usually go like that? I did one. I used to tell this story, but it's all right if I tell it. I used to do this bit.

I did one in, it was a country town not too far from Coral Castle. Oh, yeah. In Ballarat, yeah. In Ballarat. And Coral Castle is a place in Victoria if you don't know where they have like jousting and horses and castles and shit

it's like a medieval themed place and I feel like the guy who booked me lost faith in my ability to be a comedian like within the moment of me arriving

and my performance because he was before you'd even been on stage before I'd been on stage I arrived he's like this guy looks shit and then organised

a night on a horse from Crag Castle to stand next to me while I performed. No. So he was like, hey, hey, mate, mate, good news, good news, good news. I've got a knight on a horse for you, and you can do some banter with him on stage, yeah? A bit of banter.

And I was like, oh, great, okay. So I go out and I go talk to this knight on a horse. I was like, hey, man, the organiser wants me to banter with you? And he goes, I can't hear you. And you won't be able to hear me. I can do this. I can do this.

And that was Heath preparing for his role in A Knight's Tale. Exactly. It was good to see you again, Heath. I know a woman who went to school with your sister. He's like, shut the fuck up, man. Shut up.

So that was the night both of you died. Yeah. All right. Okay. But I jerked off the horse and I got a big laugh. Yay. There we go. That's comedy.

That's good stuff. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks so much, Kylie. That's comedy. That's good stuff. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks so much, Kylie. Good for you. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Harrison Faber. I didn't think about that for a name.

Yeah, that's good. One of the fanciest sort of people that ever listened to our show. Harrison Faber. Yeah. It's like when you can't afford Harrison Ford. We've got Harrison Ford at home Yeah, you get out a DVD Think you've got a Harrison Ford You go from a bargain bin and you put it in

Starring Harrison Faber Oh shit Indiana Johns Indiana Johns and the Temple of Boom. That's good. Man, you shouldn't write for the project. You should write for Mad Magazine. Yeah, man.

That's some good stuff. That's the dream, isn't it? I would love that. Yeah, I'd love to write for Mad Magazine. I would fucking love that. Are they still making it? No. Sorry.

Harrison Filing Cabinet. No, How's the Filing Cabinet. Oh, How's the filing cabinet oh how's the filing cabinet you thought what he said what you thought and you were disappointed in him and you were like Harrison file shut up man no I was actually computing it going is that good or bad this is the filing cabinet okay

it's good it's still This is the filing cabinet. Okay. All right, all right. It's good. It's still... My parents haven't moved out of their house yet, so it's still there, and I'm still like, what the fuck do I do with it? I'm taking elements of porn out of it so that they can't find it.

Oh, it's the... It's a filing cabinet filled with mads, isn't it? Mad magazines, yeah. Did you already do the fold-ins? I did early on, but then I thought at one stage, when I was about 12, I started to think, these are going to be collectible. I you already do the fold-ins? I did early on, but then I thought at one stage, when I was about 12, I started to think, these are going to be collectible.

I better not fold them, the thing. And now they're worth less than they were in the 80s when I bought them. There's just like 100 Mad magazine fold-ins that aren't done. I referenced Mad magazine in my famous bit of the guy breaking into my house. Yes. Yeah.

Do you want to do it? This is what you said before the show. I've got all this gear. I'd like to record a special. Can I just put them in the middle of your episode? You were telling us you were just going to stand up into conversation on the podcast. Tommy will send it to me. I'll cut it together and I'll put together a full special.

I did the horse bit. You did the horse bit. Horse bit's done and this is stuff to burn. Thanks for coming to the recording of this show and your show by the way yeah so one time I was

leaving the house and I said to my wife I'm just going to leave the light on so people think we're here you know that trick that awesome trick someone goes to rob your house

and they're like can't rob this place the lights are on so I said to my wife my wife goes shh don't say it so loud. They'll hear you. Like there's some guy waiting by our house 24-7 just going, finally, the piece of information I've been waiting for.

I don't know if I want to finish it. It's good. We're loving it. No, I don't think they are. Yeah, yeah. I want to save it. It's good. We're loving it. Yeah. No, I don't think they are. Yeah, yeah. I want to save it for a special where the audience loves it. They can smell pre-written gear. Yeah.

I know. Isn't it weird how much when the voice feels different, it's like, ugh, stop it, dude. This sounds like it's been thought and worked on. I know. You've got a real up and down in your voice. It's fucking weird, dude. Talk about Heath Ledger killing himself again.

God. Imagine firing up a new Netflix special in 12 minutes and the comedian's like, actually, no, I'm not feeling this. Sorry, everyone. Check back on the service in like a month's time. That would be so sick. Maybe I'll have had another crack and it'll be better then.

That is going to crowd work. I'm sorry. Fuck this. What's your name? I'm sorry. Fuck my gear, dude. Yeah, fuck this shit. What's your name I'm sorry fuck my gear dude yeah fuck this shit what's your name

you're fucking gay dude this isn't okay you're fucking gay you suck you have a dumb shirt fuck you yeah but like that crowd work

where they just keep looking for something and the person gives them nothing and it's like it's not the audience members fault but what's your job though

work at a bank yeah but like okay work in a bank yeah cool that would be great if netflix signed someone a special then by the time they recorded the special netflix you know uh the head of netflix gets fired new person comes in doesn't like the act the act goes and does these special bombs

and then the ceo goes now we're putting that up yeah release that's front page yeah yeah the only thing on the front page for the next six months. Every time you open Netflix, it auto-plays. We do a U2 album on it. It's impossible to not see this special. The comedian being like, I seriously don't want to be doing this.

Can we turn the cameras off? Oh, it's live. They're just chained to the stage. Please let me go. Please swipe away from this. Please let me go. Please swipe away from this. Don't watch this. Please.

If one person watches it, I have to keep doing it. Everyone turn it off. Put the Hunger Games

on now. Hurry, hurry. Fuck. Finally, the crucial piece of information. It's a good bit.

It's a good bit. It's a funny voice. Anyway, fuck guys, we're working up here. So...

Thanks, Harrison. Thanks, Harrison Faber. Thanks, Faber. Oh, no. Should I do another bio thing? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

Yes, bro. Another bio. Fuck, where did I put it? Here we go. Here we go. Where did I put it? Here we go. Australiancomedians.com.au.

Yes. Carl just actually had to go away from a tab which was a lot of porn just then. Carl loves to watch porn while he's doing the podcast. I love the female figure. What can I say? I'm a feminist. I'm a real white knight that happens to be

jacking off. How's this? Dave Thornton. How's this for an opening line? Dave Thornton is the modern day Elvis Presley. Whoa. Incredible. Yeah. Incredible.

He'll be dead soon. Fiona Lachlan tried to kill herself, but Dave Thornton is Elvis. That is true. He did meet his wife when she was 14. But they didn't do anything until she was 16. So it's fine. He fell in love, married her, waited. And they lived together, sure.

Sure. But they did not penetrate. I remember the first time I saw Thornton calling you, Carl, and being like, I've just seen this amazing comedian. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I held the phone up and you listened. And I was like, and get this, he's white. A white man who could do a Dave Hughes impression?

We can do that? We can do that? We can do that? Yes. Is that really the opening line? That really is the opening line. That is fucking ridiculous. He's the modern day Elvis Presley. When not on stage, Dave can be seen playing basketball or simply strolling in the rain.

That is literally the opening line for trying to get Dave Thornton a gig. I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind hearing this shit. This is really confusing. It's so confusing. It's very weird. I'm sure that has happened.

Simply strolling in the rain. Yeah, I mean, enough to put it in his bio and... Maybe. Who knows? But it ends with this boy next door is highly sought after, so contact us now to coordinate regarding his availability maybe who knows but it ends with this boy next door he's highly sought after

so contact us now to coordinate regarding his availability before it is too late yeah

well he's Elvis you know he'll be dead at 42 but you'll see walks in the rain he might have

hypothermia or something he could catch a cold from that rain walk next door exactly yeah thanks

Harrison thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matt Farthing. Okay. Okay. Fancy, fancy boy.

Brother of Penny. Matthew Farthing. Oh, fuck my ass. There we go. That's what Perth wants to hear. That's what Perth wants to hear. That's fucking good, man. I'm picturing a couple hearing this in the car

and the husband turning to the wife, and going, I told you we shouldn't have left the live show. We missed the best bit. Dude, when Carl did that Penny Farthing joke, it was fucking hectic, dude. That was epic, bro. Cut to a documentary in 30 years' time.

When Carl said the Penny Farthing joke, it changed comedy forever. It's rare that you can pinpoint a moment when comedy was here and there. And it was the moment that Carl Chandler said Penny Farthing. Before that, people used to think his duck sandwich joke was good. But then... I mean, duck sandwich was funny, but Penny Farthing was just so much better.

It made you think. It made you think. You are the person that made duck sandwich a thing, by the way. I don't know if we've talked about this. The creator of the meme. I just had a joke that no one cared about. And then you, every time you got on the show, you went, yeah, fucking duck sandwich. And then all of a sudden, every time I go anywhere, it's cunts going, do duck sandwich.

And it's because of you. There was a genuine moment because I used to do Xavier's Corner. And every time I'd pretend to be, so I'd do a bit where I'd be Tommy and Carl doing a commercial radio show and I'd go, and they'd talk to each other like, you know, so basically Carl would always go, did somebody say duck sandwich? Because that's my impression. And then Tommy would just be

like, I'm Tommy, like that, right? Oh Carl! It was like a classic commercial radio, like Tommy was like the thing of like, oh Carl! Yeah, but I was like... Oh, that's right. And then we got you... You drew some comics for us for our Patreon magazine once.

And you made me look like the fucking Toxic Avenger. It was so brutal. I used to draw you in the most brutal way. But I found it funny. So I was drawing multiple versions of you to work on which one. I drew one. I just went, actually, I'm just going to go with this one. Because you looked... That's good. I liked it funny so I just drew I was like drawing multiple versions of each one I drew one and I went actually I'm just

going to go with this one because you look unlike me that's good I liked it a lot but anyway I remember one point Carl literally said to me

dude stop saying that duck sandwich thing no one gets it no one knows what you're talking about just give it up and I'm like no if I keep doing it

it'll become a thing yes cut to Tommy sent me a text and he was like someone's tattooed duck sandwich on my leg. I was like, haha, my plan all along.

Yeah. Yep. I mean, it's such a thing, it's tattooed on the leg now. Yeah. But also, what a great joke though, come on. Yeah, let's hear it right now. Yeah! Yeah! Imagine if we heard it right now

No, no I think it would go a little something like this You tell it, you tell it No, no, no, please So I ordered a duck sandwich the other day Although it's interesting that the duck is finally surrounded by the thing it wants but it's fucking dead

Is that it? Look, that's the crux of it. It's a bit of an improvement. It's quicker. Yeah, it's quicker. You've cut the fat off. That's good. That's what I do.

I tighten jokes up. That's better. Smoke meth at the end of it, I reckon that'd be really pop. That'd be really good. That's a light bulb, man. And now it's fucking dead. Actually, I like the tag you put on it just then

where you just did a fart noise at the end. I reckon if every joke had that at the end. I think that's pretty good. So much better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's try it now with the next name. Well, there's only one name left. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, is that the end of that one, Matt Farthing? Thanks, Matt. Are we finished on that one? Yeah, I think so. You think that's the best one? Let's do ten more. Do you want to do a...

Do you have a bio for us? Oh, yeah. Give us a bio. Any other good bios? Oh, no, wait. We did a Thornton just then, didn't we? Did we? Walking in the rain.

I felt like I... He's a modern Elvis. Oh, do you want... Oh, what about this? Is he the modern Elvis because he steals from black people as well? I went there. What about this? I fucking went there.

How about this? I'll read the quick bio and you try and guess who the comedian is. Oh, I love this. Yeah, fantastic. Right, right. Finally, the piece of information. This is the first line.

This is the first line on some... We're duck sandwiching you. Xavier's famous bit. Finally, the piece of information I've been waiting for. The crucial piece of information. That's you. That's you, mate. You guess.

You say stuff like that, mate. That's the shit you say. We all talk about it. Xavier's always going on about crucial information. It's your fucking thing, man. You say that. Yeah, oh, who's coming to the party? Crew info.

Super special. So, you have to guess the comedian. This is the opening line-up. Here we go. So, expect yourself to be taken on a ride of adrenaline rushes, madness and uncontrollable laughter? Elliot Goblet. Close. Ostentatious.

That's a good guess. Ostentatious, no, no, no. Wolfie. No, who? Wolfie. Andrew Wolf, yeah. No, no. That does apply to Wolfie.

That does feel like a Wolfie description. Adrenaline rushes. Adrenaline. Madness and uncontrollable laughter. Who do you associate that with? Luke Heggy. Is that what you said? He's one of those.

Absolutely correct. Yes. Is it really? All right. I have never heard a less applicable description of any of them. Is it adrenaline-fuelled comedy of Luke Aggie? Yeah. A cunt that walks on stage with energy levels minus one.

Yeah. Halfway through a conversation. Read it again, just now that we know who it is. Expect yourself to be taken on a ride of adrenaline rushes, madness and uncontrollable laughter. It's good stuff, man. Crashes every time. Very good.

That is so funny. Madness. Finally. That's wild. The crucial piece of information I've been waiting for. The madness of Luke Heggy. The madness. The Heggy. The madness. The absolute madness.

That's a Ross Noble description, hey? Yeah, yeah. Madness. I was trying to win Ross Noble. Who knows where it's going to go, but Luke Heggy is like, yeah, I know where it's going to go. Yeah, he's got a script.

Imagine getting home and taking two Valium and your wife going, what's all that about? I just saw a Luke Heggy show. I can't get to sleep. My adrenaline is spiking. That's great.

He called someone a grub. Think about that. I didn't see that coming. He really gave it to someone that was left-handed and now I can't sleep. He didn't make eye contact with a single person in the room. I needed to go to a break room afterwards just to let out all the energy.

They should have an ambient tent at Luke Hickey shows. Just get to lay down and fucking decompress. Wednesday nights, lights off. The mic's down a bit lower. Some soft toys in the corner for you to play with. Play with a fidget spinner or whatever. Sit there and listen. Well, thanks, Matt. You can play with a fidget spinner or whatever. I'll sit there and listen. Yeah.

Well, thanks, Matt. There's only one name left. Oh, really? Only one name left. How many is that? We have to get out of here. It's time to put the rent on the places up. How many will that be?

This is the fifth one. That's the fifth one. So I'm about to read this one out, unless you downloaded it earlier and have another better one than you want to do. But, yeah, it's up to you. I downloaded it earlier and had a better one than I want to do. Yes, Tommy.

Well, how can I know if my one would be better than what you're about to say? You'd be a fair go at it, I reckon. I wonder if they planned something, but one of them has forgotten what they planned. No, it's almost as if neither of us planned anything.

Planning. Oh, you flatter us. Is it mine or is it yours? It's an interesting question, isn't it? It is, isn't it? I wonder which one of us it'll be. Is this like that thing where one of you is telling the truth and one of you is lying? No.

Is this like a fucking riddle? What the fuck is going on? You say yours. No, you say yours. It does feel like foreplay, doesn't it? I know. Just jerk each other off. Do it.

And let us watch and jerk off as well, man. Yeah, man. Just let us get in on this. It's a who's on first, but it's literally just who's going to arrive at the pitch before the other one. Okay. Yeah, I wonder what the fifth name,

what a potential fifth name could possibly be. Yeah, that's what I said five minutes ago. But yeah, anyway. No, no, I know. I'm just sort of catching people up. Still pondering. We've gone to an ad, so I was doing like a previously on.

Do you want me to read? While we ponder that, should I try and find another bio bit? Yeah, that'd be great. Right, right, right. Okay. Good. Can you guys remember like, you know, some funny things that have happened over the last half an hour that we could call back to? Or in the last couple of days, whatever.

Like anything funny would be good. Anything. What do you think's funny? Yeah. What's your favourite bit of the day today? Stand-up comedy. Like anything funny would be good. Anything, what do you think's funny? Yeah. What's your favourite bit of the day today? Stand-up comedy. Pardon?

Stand-up comedy. Stand-up can be funny. Hypothetically. Someone in the crowd has just sent me the fifth name by the way. Someone's just texted me. Oh wow.

Yeah. By request. It must be the actual, there's a Patreon subscriber here that hasn't had their name read out. Oh. And they want to be read out. Great.

All right, okay, ready? This will be good. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, crucial piece of information, comedy. Yay! Wow. Wow. Thanks to the crowd for being funnier than us.

Cheers for that. Oh, that's good. It's been a while since we've been on this show, but it's great to see that the audience does better than you guys. Yeah, no, we get it. We're fine with it. We learned that about ten years ago. Let them do the work.

If they're having a fun time, who gives a shit? Whoever wants to be funny, that's fine. Well, thanks, crucial piece of information comedy. I'm assuming that the surname isn't in the voice But the first name is The first name of Crucial Piece of Information Can you do the voice again, Xavier? Do the voice one more time, saying the name

Crucial Piece of Information He can't even do it Finally the Crucial Piece of Information I needed from before And what accent is that? Yeah, what is it? Like Spanish? He can't even do it. Finally, a crucial bit of information I needed from before. And what accent is that? Yeah, what is it? Like, Spanish? Different.

Different? Just different. European accent, man. Yeah. I'm from Europe. You know where I'm from. All right. I think it's Strong Bad from Homestar Runner.

All right. No, thank you. Well, we'll do one bio. Will you make us guess it? No, no, no. I'll just do the bio because it's just not bad. Do it in the voice, though. In that voice?

Yeah. I just can't do that voice. Do the voice you can do. We know what it is. Do one of your other funny voices. Do the voice you always do on stage that all the comedians love, but you always get to do it on stage. Just do it. You know the voice that has eyes involved as well?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, man. It's great. They don't like it yet, so I can't do that. No, I'll do Nick Capper's. Okay. Not Nick Capper's voice, or I could do that. Five years ago.

Okay. Five years ago, Nick Capper made a very good start in comedy career. Oh, brother. When not in shows, he busied himself in making stupid videos. Together with his partner,

who the fuck's his partner? Together with his partner, creativity extends from writing and directing the films for their YouTube channel to making the props, costumes and shots. Nick has some solo shows. One of the shows he's done sold out. Just the one.

Good on him. Because he is having fun entertaining us, he'll do it again and again. Yeah. That's all you can ask for, isn't it? That's so good. Isn't that good? Good on you, Kappa. I want to hire him.

Yeah, great. All right, well, that's about it, I reckon, for Talking Dumb Dumb this week. Yeah, thanks, everyone. Thanks for listening to Talking Dumb Dumb. Thanks, guys. Thanks to this great crowd for coming in. Thank you to Cam and Xavier. Thanks, guys.

For joining us here on Talking Dumb Dumb. Thank you. And we'll see you next time. Thank you to Cam and Xavier for joining us here on Talking Dumb Dumb. Thank you. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.