The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 685 - Gareth Reynolds & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

This week we're joined by GARETH REYNOLDS and TOM BALLARD! We've crammed into a tiny hotel room to mourn Tom's hypothetical passing away and debate the safety of helicopter travel, before hearing about Karl's big night on the tiles with Milan that almost ended his marriage. And of course, because Gareth's here, we talk about pyjamas for about ten minutes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Gareth Reynolds and Tom Ballard. Oh boy, what a treat. And if you like listening to comedy like this, well then guess what? If you're living in Melbourne, you can come and see us do this show live for you this Saturday, November the 25th. That's right, Tommy. You can come to the Basement Comedy Club. There's a couple of tickets left. Awesome guests confirmed. We've got a lot planned coming down the pipeline. It's going to be a red hot one. Yeah, it's going to be good.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to that on Saturday. If you're in Sydney, I'm there this Thursday, November the 23rd, doing my show Scam Artist at the Lord Gladstone Hotel. And then Thursday, November the 30th, taping my special in Melbourne. Getting very close to that. Would love to see some people there. TommyDassolo.com for tickets to those. We're going to talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb.

But until then, enjoy this brand new episode with guests Gareth Reynolds and Tom Ballard. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests.

Please welcome back onto the show, Tom Ballard and Gareth Reynolds. Yay! Yes. Yeah. We're here. Yeah, we're very... this is, meh. Yeah. Do you know, by the way, Gareth, that when you send emails,

your name on your email is Gareth Renlods. Yeah. Yes. Yep, I do know that. Now, that was not intended, but then someone pointed it out to me, and I was like, I like that. Four to five times a year, people are like, hey, man, that's misspelled. Yeah. It gets me every time. I'm like, yeah four to five times a year people are like hey man that's misspelled yeah it gets me every time i'm like he has to know speaking of why wouldn't he change it speaking of email just organizing this gig with you all it's been

is going across four platforms trying to get phone numbers right so it's like we try to organize over email i'm like here's my phone number no no no well what about we'll try this on instagram on email yes no on instagram i think yeah well, but then I just said message me on WhatsApp, and you were like, there's no feature to figure out how to text you with your standard American number. And I'm like, it's very easy on WhatsApp. I think you gave me the wrong number.

No way. We went across four platforms. No way. Nice. But it's true. I have been a pain in the ass, but I think you've made WhatsApp seem harder than it is. He only gives out the wrong name.

Not the number. The number is correct. Mr. Ren Lods is always correct. Yeah, yeah. Doctor Ren or Rod. Rod Ren Lods. Attorney at law. I'm an HPD.

Well, I've been talking a little bit on the show about I'm taping a special in a couple of weeks, Gareth. You did a little thing for it the other day. Tommy, we get it. End of story. No, Tommy and I worked together recently. To pump Tommy up, when I got here by myself, Gareth did say, where's the other shitty one? I would have said the same thing.

No, he didn't. No, he meant you. Tommy, what I'm doing is I'm greasing the wheels because I know we're going to shit on him for an hour. So I want to lull him into being like, I have hardly any stories in this episode that make me look really bad. Doesn't matter, though. You can do anything.

Well, Tom, you posted this morning you've got a special taping coming up. Yes. Tom Ballard Live. It's a photo of you on stage. How did you come up with that name? I don't know. I just thought about it a lot. I thought about the content of the show and what I want to achieve with it,

and that just sort of felt like the right fit. Has someone done that before? No one has called their show Tom Ballard Live. No. I think that is fair. I'm going to try and get mine out first and call it Tommy Dasolo in Tom Ballard Live. Yes. That's a good credit.

It's all about how my mum died and I've got tit cancer. And I think everyone's going to really like it. Well, a friend of the show, Josh Earl, was texting me when I was on the way in here. And he sent me a screenshot of your poster for your special taping. And he said, I think my brain is broken because I saw this. And I thought it was an announcement that Tom has died. Oh, my God. And I said, this is great. Can I say this and I thought it was an announcement that Tom has died. Oh, my God. And I said, this is great.

Can I say this on the pod? And he said, only if you point out to Tom what I was very upset by. What? The word lives in it. Tom Ballard dead? The word lives in it. The absolute opposite. I think maybe the format of the date made him think it was the, like, you know,

1990 until, like, whatever. I didn't know Tom was only six months old. Tom is so young. Tom's going to die on December the 4th. That's weird. So prescient. Well, he also writes for the project. So get ready for a big memorial tonight.

Oh, yes. Oh, you do? No, Josh Hill. I would never write for the project. Well, you guys are more on screen. We're more off screen. Well, I... Yeah, yeah. So you guys are more on screen. We're more off screen. Well, I'm glad you're alive because it really would have fucked up

the planning of this episode. If you'd woken up to see that, it'd be like, oh, having to scramble to get someone else in here. Gareth's hotel room, he's only slightly bigger than a coffin, so the jury's still out. And it smells just about the same, I think.

You've only been here for two days. It seems like your suitcase exploded. I shock people with how quickly. This is what it looks like probably a half hour. It's like you've marked your territory. You've arrived and you've just shat everywhere. I do. I really do.

It gets lived in fast. You came down and met us in the foyer, right? All masked up. I'm like, oh, man, you're a germaphobe. And then we come into the epicenter. Oh, no, you started COVID. Oh, no, you're a germaphobe. And then we come into the epicenter. Oh no, you started COVID. Oh no, you're making COVID up here. Is this the Wuhan suite we're in right now?

Yeah, this is it. I'm working on COVID-20. It's going pretty good. You're going to love it. This strikes me as a man who like, you're in here. Is this a move that you do at hotels? You're in here. You've kind of spread everything out.

Bit of a mess. You've forgotten to put the do not disturb sign on the door. There's the knock from the housekeeping and you're very quickly having to say like no thank you without them getting a look in here to see how you're living I get the Do Not Disturb on there pretty quick and then I

stay, sometimes I'll stay, like I'm here for a few nights and they'll do the thing where they'll put a note on the door like, you're alive right, do you need towels? It's actually been a few days I'll see housekeeping and where they'll put a note on the door like, you're alive, right? Do you need towels? It's actually been a few days. Or I'll see housekeeping and they'll give me a look. I'm like, there he is. There's the Yeti.

We see the Yeti. And I'm like, yay. Yay. I'm going to go find eggs. They're like, oh, look at him. He's weird. You're not like Gareth Reynolds live, are you? No, no.

You're not completely dead. No, no. Dead. Yeah, dead. Absolutely. I wonder how often that happens that housekeeping just sneak a peek in the little crack, and then when you go out, they're like, doesn't matter that he's put the Do Not Disturb sign on.

We're fucking going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This room needs it. They'll do the thing where they'll go, do you need anything? And you're like, I've been very clear with my sign. I'm trying to be a sick pervert, you fucking assholes. I'm starting to feel disturbed. I'd hate to have to go to management about this.

I just might wear it like a necklace. Yeah, yeah. What does N-O-T spell, you cunt? It's not do-disturb. Mr. Ranyards, please. Red light. Let us in. Red light.

Move. I need something above the do not disturb sign that says do not resuscitate. Can I put that over the top? That's the ultimate prime thing. I leave an hazmat suit. Do not even come near the room. I want that tape, top? That's the ultimate prime thing. I leave in hazmat suits. Do not even come near the room. I want that tape, that black and yellow tape. I want the disturbed one.

That's a weird one. Come in. So talk me through it. Where do I start? On the bed. And then you just start throwing things behind you randomly. No, it's like, okay. So the first thing I do is I get the toiletries put away.

Okay. Because I go, okay, I'm home. You ask for the broom closet, but a little bit smaller place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Carl. I mean, we're all friends here, but Jesus Christ. Get the toiletries sorted because cleanliness is next to godliness. Yeah, absolutely.

Get the beakers and the woo hand stuff. And then it just starts to take and then I get out like the things I need like some podcasting but then it just I'll be like where are my pants

and that's when it all starts to kind of fall apart or like where's this little massage thing for my and then so then it becomes a little bit

like when a cartoon character goes through their pockets and then it starts to go everywhere and then and honestly the best part is I did clean before you guys came. Fantastic. I had to tidy up.

Well, I can tell. The ring light has pride of place in it. And I put a towel on the table so that your equipment doesn't stick to it. No. It's a hot day. The Zoom does start to sweat when it's overheated. Why is it so hot today? It's like 90 today.

It's nearly summer. It's the opposite of what season you have in America I always try to figure it out And they always go It'll be pretty cool when you go there And then I get here And I'm like it's awful Just think of what the opposite temperature is

From you in America That's what we're going to have I don't like his Again it's his attitude It's not the content of what he's It's the attitude You've got a show tonight We're trying to help you work up some local material

It's really bad It's real bad It's not good It's not good We We're trying to help you work up some local material. It's really bad. It's real bad. It's not good. It's not good. We're just trying to stop you from walking out going, you know how it's snowing today? And everyone starts booing you. Jesus. My name's Tom Ballard. No! We're glad you did.

R.I.P. Tom Ballard out. I hope people come to the memorial on Monday, December 4th. That's what you've got to do is come out of a casket. They're like, oh, thank you. Sold out. It'll be ironic if I die on stage on that night. It might be ironic.

That will make sense. Oh, I see. Josh will have been vindicated. He was actually glimpsing into the future. Come watch him die. You've got to look at the notebook and what material you were planning on doing. You're so jubilant in the photo, too. Yeah, I hope they use that one.

What is the photo? Let me see it. It's you on stage punching the air. Oh. Oh. Yes, I'm dead. That would not be a dead flyer, yeah. Fuck life.

I'm headed in that direction. Finally, a bit of a rest. Tom Ballard in I'm Fighting God. God fighting. Punching God in I'm Fighting God. God fighting. Punching God in the ass. Here we go. I mean, this is going to be great. I went to...

How is that me dying? Come on. Give me a look. Yeah, I agree. Has that got valet vibes? Is it veil or valet? I never figured that out. I mean, Josh did set this up.

Why are you promoting Dill's show too? He's also filming on that same night. But what? Do you guys are cross-promoting? Well. I mean, Josh did set this up. Why are you promoting Dill's show too? He's also filming on that same night. But what? Do you guys are cross-promoting? Well, I suggested, hey, maybe we should have a deal so people can have cheaper tickets and they buy both. And my management company said absolutely no. Yeah, right.

I can see that. You're saying goodbye to life. You're waving goodbye to everyone. Farewell. You're actually waving goodbye. Tom Hoyer. Maybe you're waving to the white tunnel saying, I'll see you in a minute!

Oh, hi, Mr. Reaper! I'll be right over there. I've just got to do a podcast. I'm not dead! Well, Josh, I mean, Josh did preface it by saying, I think my brain is broken. It wasn't like, oh my God, did you see the news? Tom's dead.

Someone's made a horrible mistake. Everyone except for me has made a horrible mistake. People are just carrying on like he's still alive. It's so callous. I had a glimpse of his Instagram. He's definitely dead. Bloody kids these days. Short attention spans.

What movies did you watch on the plane? The fucking in-flight entertainment was so bad. Yeah. It was New Zealand Airlines. And I was like, this is crazy. That's a good one, isn't it? The in-flight stuff was horrible. Yeah.

So I ended up watching a two-parter on how Brittany Murphy died. Oh, yeah. That was the... Do you know this story? I've seen it. Yeah, okay. She was clearly either neglected or murdered. And then I was filling a typing.

Reporting a specialist corner. Brittany Murphy, hi. Was this directed by Josh Earle, by the way? Because Brittany Murphy might still be alive. And then I watched The Last Crusade. It was that bad. As in Indiana Jones? No, they made one of those.

Yeah, no, The Last Crusade. Oh, Indiana Jones. Yeah. I thought they AI'd him out of it. That would be great. If it's just Sean Connery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Indiana was the dog's name.

Who's he talking to? Yeah. But do they have a funny, and New Zealand is famous for their funny in-flight instructional videos. I didn't even get there. I won't. When they're teaching you. Yeah, but I won't.

Do you watch those? No. But the one that you have to watch where they show you. No, I won't. You don't have to. I won't. Do you watch those? No. But the one you have to watch? No, I won't. You don't have to. I won't. It's on every screen. But even if it's good, I'm going to be like,

it's still getting in the way. Well, yeah, I'll be listening to this. I'll watch Instagram versus it and be like, oh my God, Tom's dead. I'll look at Instagram over and be like, they told me how to use the oxygen mask better than most. I like how Tom Ballard died. He didn't put on his seatbelt.

Fuck, I should be watching this. I know they do because of The Lord of the Rings. They've done good ones. This one didn't seem that funny. I really feel like I'll watch the safety briefing if the person doing it is right in front of me. I won't. Because I'm like, oh, I'm in the front.

Because I have that bit where they're like, even if you fly a lot, still give us your attention. I'm always like, I mean, I'm right here. I gotta do this. Tommy's sitting there going, oh. Oh, so it clicks. No smoke? Whoa, what year is it?

It is hot today. Yay! And the exit all uses that one. That's good to know. Unbelievable stuff. Which way's the pilot again? Excuse me, Tommy? Which way's the pilot? I'm after the pilot. Even the ones where I've paid full attention, I'm like, if something does happen, I won't remember any of this.

No, totally. It's like you meet someone and you go, what's your name? Bill. I don't know what your name is anymore. It's been five seconds. It's the same as that. I've seen that announcement so many times and I don't know what I would do.

I watch the demo at the gym every day and then 30 seconds later I'm like, where am I? Am I in the supermarket? Oh, like for a class. Just in the gym crushes and you have to bristle god i hope we get to use the slide today that's all i remember being a kid and being like i mean it'd be pretty scary to go down but getting on that fucking slide looks awesome yeah no that wouldn't be too bad. I agree. I mean, there's parts of it. It would be exciting. Also to like float around on your seat.

Be like, oh, these don't work that well. Yeah. Also, you know how long it takes to get off a plane with all these fucking people. Just crank it open. Get on the slide. Now emergency exiting boarding group four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.

When do I get to sit on the slide? That should be like premium business class. You get to leave by the slide by default, even just on the tarmac. Yes. Oh, that would be great. Hey, why did they make the whole plane out of that black box thing? Hey, all right, everybody. The Little Dumb Dumb Club will be right back.

You guys ever steal the safety card from a plane when you're a kid? No. No, it's crazy. I did that thought. I don't think I was on a plane until I was a very well-grown adult. Yeah, right. I think it's still too soon. I think we should keep you off of that. I'm still bus material, you think. Yeah, right. I think it's still too soon. I think we should keep you off of that.

I'm still bus material, you think? Yeah, Max. Max, bud. You're a while. I like you walking. Okay. Yeah. We don't need people overseas

thinking that this is what Australia is. Yeah, we don't need to outsource you. I mean, look what you did to Thailand. You've ruined that goddamn nation. What? Well, how about this? Gareth and I are appearing at a festival this weekend. I'm getting a helicopter out. What? No, they offered me that Gareth and I are appearing at a festival this weekend. I'm getting a helicopter out.

What? No, they offered me that. Yes, and you said no? I did say no. Maybe should I say no? Well, listen, I mean, if it goes down, just go Kobe. Kobe! All Josh L's dreams will come true.

Are you being helicoptered out for a burial at sea? Yeah. I did think of... Now, why are... It's not that... How far of a... It's like an hour and a burial at sea? Yeah. I did think of... Now, why are... It's not that... How far of a... It's like an hour and a half, right? Hour and a half drive.

Yeah. Yeah, half an hour on the helicopter. Yeah. A little bit of baller move. Yeah. What are you going to do with that extra hour? Go watch that Brittany Murphy doco. Yeah.

Oh, man. Get ready. Probably watch Nick Cody doing comedy. So, thank God. Drink more wine. Is it just you in the helicopter? No, I believe other people are also coming. Other people have signed up.

Yeah, they say there's like too many are taking it. Yeah, right. It's like a lot of weight. And they were like, everyone's going up. And it's just Tom Bell are taking it. No, they said it by body. Jesus Christ. I'm trying.

You said it all. You said it all. See? That's why he can't be an aircraft. He's a terrible export. I'm the fosters of comedy. You are indeed. You are the blooming onion human.

See, this is feeling like Final Destination comedy. It's like that post was meant to be a memorial. Josh Ells called it. That's like the inside edition meant to be a memorial. Josh Ells called it. That's like the inside edition of comedy. You know that sitcom where... Early edition. Early edition, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was just a new show. What happens? Kyle Chandler gets a newspaper developed, delivered. Your mate.

The man who's you. That's me. Yeah, you. Me. Kyle gets... That's me. Tomorrow's paper today. That's me in there.

And he gets tomorrow's paper today. Yes. And then he knows what's going on. He tries to solve problems. That's me in there. And he gets tomorrow's paper today. Yes. And then he knows what's going on. He tries to solve problems. That's a great show. He doesn't just buy a Tats Lotto ticket every day. No. He doesn't do that.

No. There's Kyle Chandler in Friday Night Lights. Yes. And then there's Carl Chandler in Friday Night Giving the Light. Oh, okay. That's a comedy thing. Because he runs a comedy club. Let's go to another break.

Thanks, guys. That was really good. All right, everybody. Little Dumb Dumb Club is going to be right back. We're actually going to do some revamping and recasting. But you guys won't notice much, but stick around.

We'll be right back. It's going to look a bit different when we come back. Yeah, yeah. It's for the best. Two guys are going to share one mic, and I think that's going to help a lot of stuff.

We'll be right back. He's on a mental health break. He's up with Marty. He's trying to work through some stuff. Has there ever been a podcast recast mid-podcast? It's called the Repodcast and we'll be

right back. We're going to figure it out. That happened here, Garrett. In the 80s there was a show on TV, on Channel 9 that was infamously so offensive, the head of the network happened to see a bit of it and called up the station and went, get this shit off my channel.

Wow. And they were like, all right, well, so when you look it up, it's only ever aired half of one episode. Wow. Yeah.

That also says a lot about a head of a network being like, what is this show? You know, you do have a job to do. Do you understand that, right? Oh, now you're involved.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog shit. It's nice that he was watching his own channel. He could have been watching the other channel. That's something. Yeah, that is yeah. Dog shit. It's nice that he was watching his own channel. He could have been watching the other channel. That's something. Yeah, that is cool. Pretty low bar, but all right, Carl.

You know what he was actually watching? You know what the show was? It was Australia's naughtiest home videos. Oh, my God. And it was something about a dog getting an erection, I'm pretty sure. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Did you have naughtiest home videos or funniest?

We had funniest. We had funniest, but that was the rebadged. Just the ones that couldn't go in. You were doing comedy? No, no, no. This is real. This is a real thing that happened. They did Australia's naughtiest videos.

And it was too naughty, you see. The ones that couldn't go in. You were in good country. They were at like 6.30. And it was like dog boners? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. Well, not the whole show.

Australia's greatest dog boners. This thing is, I'll tell you what, I don't love this show anymore. The first couple were good But I mean Once you've seen 18 Dicks Well there were two There was like the One at 6pm

Called Australia's funniest dog boners And then the up late version Was Australia's naughtiest dog boners They're all flaccid at 6.30 But then at 9.30 Like absolutely Like Tom Ballard Punching the sky again

We just hardened The same dog's dicks over... It took us two hours to harden these dog dicks. So that was literally the offending clip, was him seeing a dog boner. I think so. And saying, get it. Oh, really? Yeah, I think the dog was fucking someone.

And he went, quite wisely, you know, let's not play this on my TV station anymore. Yeah, we want a high-quality channel. Which is unfortunate. Married at first sight. Yeah, I mean, there was a lot let's not play this on my TV station. Oh, wow. Yeah, we want high quality Channel 9. Which is unfortunate. Married at first sight. Yeah, I mean, there was a lot of Viagra ads in there. That's a small dog dick. Yeah.

Bigger one. Has anyone ever tracked down and interviewed the person who submitted that video to the show? What is it? Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. The dong that broke the network's back.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you met the dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just the original tape that he submitted is now on eBay for like tens of thousands of dollars. It's an honor to meet the dog. Yeah. And just the original tape that he submitted is now on eBay

for like tens of thousands of dollars. It's an honour to meet this dog. Nearly brought down a network. Yeah. Now, pardon me for being crass, but I'll kick myself forever if I don't at least ask. Can I try and get this dog erect? Yeah, may I?

I'd bring him to Channel 7. Behind the scenes of one of the weirdest shows on Australian TV. Yeah. What time? What do you for a retrospective, I reckon, after all this time? Well, I think it's long enough.

I got a story for you, Gareth, because I think always you need a story of mine. Doesn't take much. Yeah. You never want to tell me a good story where you do something

completely insane. It's not the show. Well, Tommy doesn't do it. It's just you. For some reason, no one does anything exciting except for me. You're a strange individual.

Very normal and cool. You're a great guy, but your decision-making is nuts. Well, I'd love to prove you wrong, but I have this story. I can only imagine what we're going to hear. They tell you, but we're like, oh, I said, how are you going? When someone asked me, like, what's your name? Then you just come in and go, I shat in a bed. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, yeah. You are. Like, if you murdered someone, I'd be like, it's not crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a lot of weird stuff going on in his head, obviously. He bought a file cabinet. He wore pajamas on stage. Well, I did do that.

Yeah. Filing cabinet. So this is what happened the other day so i i was i was with a friend of the show and your friend gareth milan our friend milan great guy so we were we've we were uh he usually he comes to comedy a lot of times he comes he comes along just to have a drink and hang out many drinks yeah basement comedy club would like have some beers and whatever so we're doing that one night and it was like on the cusp of like him having a breakup and so we'd been hanging out a lot and talking about a lot whatever and and then we're just like we're doing

all that getting really drunk and then i just sort of you know on the way home we're still texting him about it yeah great and then i get home and i have that thing where i get when i'm really really drunk i sleep on the couch i don't sleep in the bed because i'll snore like crazy sure so i sleep on the bed even then my four-year-old will get up at like 4 a.m and wake up and say daddy stop snoring so it's like she's got the door closed and everything so it's fucking must be a hell of a sound. Anyway, so I'm on the couch. She's a lucky woman. Yeah. Well, she's a four-year-old.

Your wife. Okay, great. Okay. I was worried what you classified a woman. Jesus Christ. Jerry Lou Lewis. But anyway. Anyway.

Carl, I just want to say this story is going really well. Thank you. So far. Thank you. It's all pretty normal at this point, I've got to say. We're in a good spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking all right at this point.

Yeah, you snore so you don't sleep in the bed. You get drunk. You realize you're a good friend. That's nice. It's humanizing. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's rare. Just if I could circle back.

Milan went through a breakup. What was his name? Oh, there we go. Thank you. That's very nice. That's great. Yeah, cool. That's awesome.

That's how we do comedy in Australia, by the way. I should have got in earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was worth going back for that. Guys, did you hear that? I nice. That's great. Yeah, cool. That's awesome. That's how we do comedy in Australia, by the way. I should have got in earlier, but I think it was worth going back for that. Guys, did you hear that? I think this room's haunted. Oh, my God. I think there's a spirit with some unfinished business. I have a joke from a minute ago.

What was his name? It's a delay. Who is that helping me mould this clay pot? it's a delay who is that helping me mould this clay pot so anyway so that'll happen implying that he's gay yeah

right yeah the breakup was yeah yeah right so that's that's me maybe that's me getting home at 1am

or 2am so say I usually wake up at like 4 or 5am and for whatever reason that's past the snoring hour. I don't have to snore anymore past that hour. For some reason, I don't snore anymore. Right, you get it out of your system. Yeah.

So I get up and I go to bed and I don't snore anymore. That's my permission. Even my wife signed off on that concept. That's cool. You're allowed in the bed from 4am. I'm allowed in the bed. It's like a dog. It's not allowed inside until this time.

So that's the deal. And a wrecked dog. Yeah, a bonered canine yes yes uh so i go to bed and then because i haven't had that much sleep everyone else in the house and my wife's very nice about it she'll go okay you've clearly had a big night i'll try and keep in in the rest of the house and leave you alone so then just so you know that's very basic that she's what she's like i won't go in the bedroom and do activities. Well, she used to do that a lot until I requested that not happen anymore. Interesting. She's like, to be fair, our child is waking us up at 6 a.m.

Can you please get up before 11 a.m.? And the request was refused, unfortunately. So this turned from a nice thing that she just does into now we found out it's something that she's been demanded to do. It's another one of carl's outrageous ass yeah it's it's the equivalent of me ringing up the network get that dog boner off my tv um so then anyway so she leaves me alone very nicely until 11 a.m but the thing is i'd i'd woken up at 5 a.m or whatever still drunk still drunk, got into bed, taken all my clothes off on the couch, left everything there. I just saw something for some of the female listeners. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just something to keep you listening. I imagine a lot of listeners took a 30-minute fat break just then. So welcome back, everyone. Imagine the dog on the naughtiest home videos. That was me. Right. God. Yeah.

Or the dog boner. That's you. Yeah. The dog's boner. Yes. You're me. Right. God. Yeah. Or The Dog Boner, that's you. Yeah. The Dog's Boner. Yes. You're also banned from Channel 9. Yeah. Banned. They've never heard of me.

Whatever. Much of a muchness. I'll kill a dead man. Yeah. The boycott continues. Yes. So I've now extended it to not only all TV most radio and

live performance yeah that's really brave Palestine thanks you so then I've left everything out there I've left my wallet

I've left all my personal belongings everything I've left my phone there full strip before you even walk into the bed full strip before I get in the bed

I figure I'm going to get in bed I'm going to like get changed at 5am and wake up my wife and then that's not good so I'll just get rid get in the bed. I figure I'm going to get in bed. I'm going to get changed at 5 a.m. and wake up my wife, and then that's not good. So I'll just get rid of everything on the couch and then just walk naked through the house and jump in bed.

Boom, done. You might like this bit of detail, Gareth, for your fascination with Carl at one time in his life performing in pyjamas. Sure. Sleeps nude. Yes. Interesting.

Pyjamas is work. Pyjamas on stage and then nothing to bed. Never worn a pyjama as intended in his life. That's work wear. Thatamas on stage and then nothing to bed. Never worn a pajama as intended in his life. That's work wear. That's how you keep it a right on. Yeah, exactly.

The mechanic's not going to bed in the dungarees. I invited the ATO around to my bedroom and went, see, look at me, I'm naked in bed.

Does your wife sleep naked? No. No, I wouldn't either if you were naked. I would definitely want a layer

betwixt us. That's cultural appropriation my pyjama is not a costume yeah asshole up there parading

around you're a fake pyjama face she hops in bed in pyjamas I'm like give us your best five up there pretending

to be a pyjama man you think you're funny this is how we read stories at night you wouldn't fucking know I don't have a fucking clue

she hops in bed she's asleep within one minute. I'm like, I booked you for 10 minutes. Don't wear the little hat with the pom-pom if you've never held the little candle

on the thing, right? I'm going to saw a menage over here. The people that haven't listened to the last five years of this bullying, I used to wear pajamas on stage like a fucking moron.

I mean, should we just... If you're listening to this and don't know that, go back and find it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they figured it out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you look like that kind of comedian. Yeah, thank you.

I bet he used to wear PJs. I used to wear pajamas until it got hot in the summer, and then I said, no more. Yeah. And you'd wear it under your clothes. I'd wear it under my clothes. On the way over. On the way over.

I'd get changed at home, wear pajamas at home clothes. I'd wear it under my clothes. On the way over. On the way over. Yep. All right. I'd get changed at home. We'd pajamas at home. Yep. Put normal clothes, put my street clothes on. Like a sad Superman. Clark Kent.

Clark Hunt of comedy. Yeah. And then go and perform. Yep. And then put the street clothes back on. And then people would be talking to you and they'd be like, eh, it's just the guy in clothes. But in your head, you'd be like, but underneath.

Yes. And then so you'd put the normal clothes on over the pajamas after the gig. Yes. Go home. Yes. Take the normal clothes on over the pajamas after the gig, go home, take the normal clothes off, take the pajamas off, into bed. Put the normal clothes off, lay on the couch, and then take them off and go to bed. Another fantastic night of chasing my dreams. I'm just like Seinfeld. What's the deal with my career? All right, so you go into your room totally naked.

Wow, I can't believe you let go of the pajamas that quick. Great. Well, I just, I mean, it's like, would be my eighth appearance where all I've done is talk about that. Yeah, thank you. Because it is absolutely insane. But okay. Don't just go on about the same thing again and again.

This is the little dum-dum class. It's fresh every week. I can't see any pajamas in this small hotel room, Gareth. Did you hide them because you didn't trust him around them? No, I have them pressed for this evening's show. They're at the cleaners to be pressed properly. As a performer. Mr. Reynolds, your Tweety Bird boxer shorts are here.

Perfect. The monogram's wrong. It's actually Reynolds, but I should have emailed you properly I understand why you did that So I got undressed for bed Great No pyjamas

Straight into bed Left all my street clothes Out on the couch Everything Nothing bad has happened to you In a bed recently So this is all fine Yes

Nothing could go wrong But the pyjamas are safely In the filing cabinet So I hop in the bed under P yes under P the pyjama yeah

so so anyway cut so I can I can hear going through the files there they are do I put these under PY

or PJ yeah yeah or PA yeah pyjama or N for nightwear who knows so

so nightwear. Who knows? Nightwear. Or B for boudoir attire. If you go into a department store, it doesn't say pajama section. It says nightwear, doesn't it? It doesn't say something else. Sleepwear. I think that's chained armor.

Sleepwear. Yeah, yeah. Nightwear. Yeah. And also a helmet. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

So I hear a bit of like, I'm in bed. I'm sleeping through from 6 a.m. to 10 a helmet. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So I hear a bit of like I'm in bed. I'm sleeping through from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. I'm like, oh, you know, I'm sort of like muddled sleep. I'm hearing a little bit of noise out there and whatever. How dare she? Yeah, I know. That's what I'm thinking. So then I'm going back to sleep. Anyway, I get to a point where she's decided, okay, it's time to get up.

So then my wife walks in and opens the door. I'm like, wow, she's usually quite polite. But she sort of just flung the door i'm like wow she's usually quite polite but she sort of just flung the door open woken me up and i'm like very hungover very tired and she goes and what is this and holds up my phone and i've got the not the function but just the setup where the the messages are just playing on the phone they're just they're sitting there the notifications the full thing is coming when you did the did the gesture, it seems like lots of notifications. Like people are, where's Carl?

Scrolling. Yeah. Entertainment works early too, Carl. Yeah, exactly. Get up. Exactly. A lot of people at 5 a.m. wondering where are no-one. Carl.

Yeah, yeah. Sale at Captain Snooze. Today only. 50% off. Yes. A lot of fans texting me at 5 Snooze today only, 50% off. A lot of fans texting me at 5am going, are you wearing them? Are you wearing them right now?

What are you wearing? You're edging me. Sorry, Tom, you had a question. So you're in messages of everything, Facebook, Instagram. Particularly texts. All your notifications come up and it's not, you can set it so that it just says, you've got a message. Yes. Or you can set it so that it just says you've got a message or you can have it so the actual message itself will show up.

Which I learned after that. She can read what is being said. She's reading the messages. And it's all in 40 size font because I'm 50 years old. I don't do that. I don't do that. On the iPad that he travels around because of all his communicating. Show me the size of your text.

Show me the size of your text right now Show me the size I bet it's fucking big I bet it's fucking big Oh it is Oh that's normal isn't it That's not normal That is

That's big What's yours You want some more than that Whose is bigger No yours is normal Mine's normal Yours is bigger Yours is bigger

Suck shit boomer Fuck you Give me a house for free you fuckhead Guys I can't have another Friday afternoon Yours is bigger. Yours is bigger? Suck shit, boomer. Fuck you. Give me a house for free, you fuckhead. Guys, I can't have another Friday afternoon where I sit around in a hotel room and ask whose is bigger. Let's get on with it, please. Australia's naughtiest video. We're about to get cancelled.

So my text messages come up. And so my wife walks in holds the phone up and goes what the fuck is this and I'm like I don't again the texts aren't big enough

like Tom Ballard's I can't read them from that distance mine are minuscule because I have perfect 20-20 eyesight you're really overdoing it maybe 21-20 eyesight

maybe who knows alright see Carl finds it he's like see I'm the best one on this show. Rarely does that ray of light cast upon him. He's like, I will take advantage of this moment.

I'm the regular one, everybody. You'd be surprised how handy it is to read slightly smaller font than Tom Beller. So it's quite a talent of mine. Tom, I appreciate that you had to take the shot, but it's really backfired. It's fucking cruel of us. Carl's next show. My font's normal. Tom Ballard's isn't R.I.P.

Well, well, well. He's still 60 years old. Who is the alpha in this room? All right. Australian of the year, Carl Chandler. There's only one request in this will. It says that the order of service has to be in size 72. I can't read the Will.

Here's a bigger one. Yeah, I pop out of the coffin. Will, I could have read it. All right. Why is he in pajamas? Technically, this is a performance. Yeah, would you want to be buried in pajamas? Yes, I'll make sure that happens.

Please say yes. I feel like I died enough in pajamas back in the day. I don't need that again. Anyway, so she walks in and goes, what is this? That happens. I feel like I died enough in pyjamas back in the day. I don't need that again. Anyway, so she walks in and goes, what is this? And I'm like, I can't read it. I was like, I don't know what it is. What does it say?

And it says, what the hell are you and Milan up to? And I'm like, me and Milan? Because we've been out that night. We'd been at the show and we'd been drinking. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about then she starts like reading the text so what had happened is in hindsight

what had happened was Milan had been through a breakup so we'd been talking a lot we'd been hanging out we'd been drinking and then that night we'd been getting

really violently drunk and then so on the way home he's like texting me going hey man I really appreciate it all the time we've been spending together

and you've been talking about what we've been going through and it's really helped me a lot and I've really been in a bad place. I'm in a better place now. I really owe you. Man, I really love you. I love you, man. And then because, of course, we're men and we're idiots and we're comedians and whatever, you can't just stop there.

Then it turns into, man, and next time I see you, I'm going to fucking suck your dick. And then this is like me at 2 a.m. then going, yeah, man, I love you too. I'm going to fuck your ass next time I see you I'm going to fucking suck your dick and then this is like me at 2am then going yeah man I love you too I'm going to fuck your ass next time I see you

and then him going not if I suck your dick first and eat your ass and fuck you in the ass and me going but not if I hold you down and fuck your mouth and all this stuff

now this is some Tom Ballard text this I can relate to I can't watch the font all of a sudden all of a sudden Balllla's putting on two monocles going well i'm gonna read this thing two monocles tom let me tell you about an updated invention damn it one of them's always fallen off there's gotta be a better way

it's a fucking nightmare so then she's reading these out and I'm like oh my god and then she's reading these out going what you've been out every night this week with Milan is this what you've been doing have you been having

sex with Milan does she really think it or is she busting your balls no no no she's getting really she literally thinks you're banging Milan all of a sudden

she's just sitting there not knowing what to do because I've been out every night and she's like literally sort of thinking like putting two and two together and going I've been out every night and she's like literally sort of thinking like putting two and two together and going

I've been out every night I've been out with Milan every night Milan has a very bad habit of like getting on Instagram and like putting up like stories of like whoever he's drinking with thus letting everyone's partners know that they are out

too late past their bedtime and they shouldn't be drinking with Milan in a bar so she's just seen that every night then seen this and gone this is starting to add up and also one of the very very good friends is married to a man who was married to another man for 20 years and that had been all bubbling around at that time where they were like she was just sort of like how do you how do you marry a man for 20 years and then man and then immediately just's like the guy's sort of like, oh, that's ancient history.

Don't worry about that. I'm married to you now. And so they've been talking about that a lot. So that's been stuck in her head a lot. Every man on earth is gay. Yeah, yeah. And this just confirms it. Yeah, this could be the start of a 20-year marriage with Milan.

This could happen. Right, right. Is there a Patreon level to get that done? That would be awesome. So, so I'm like, I'm in bed. So I'm hungover.

I'm tired and whatever. She's yelling at me. She's reading the transcripts of like blow by blow, literally like what I'm, the insane things we're saying to each other and going,

is this it? Are you gay with Milan? And I'm like, look, no offense to Milan, but like, I think both of us could do a lot better if we decided to do that.

I don't think, I don't think either of us would be. Also, clearly you're going to be the bottom. I mean, come on. That would be my, that's going to be my question to you.

Like, really? Yeah. What would be, like, yes. Yeah. How would that work?

How would gay Carl work? Imagine, Tom, if when you'd host a Q&A, someone in the audience had have been like, I've got a question. How would that work? I was joking. How would gay Carl work? Imagine, Tom, if when you'd hosted Q&A, someone in the audience had have been like, I've got a question. Who would be fucked in the ass out of me and Milan versus who would do the fucking?

Yes. How would gay Carl work? How does straight Carl work? I don't know where any of it was. Not well. Not well. It is a page one rewrite. I know, but this could be.

Straight Carl. Honestly, gay Carl. We should give gay Carl a shot. That's what I'm thinking. That's not even the top with your wife. Straight Carl, pajamas on stage, buying file cabinets. I mean, Gay Club to the pajamas. I'm thinking they start to make sense.

This is normal maybe now. How would I operate in the gay world? Men would rather pretend to suck off Milan than go to therapy could I be a success in oh go ahead in gay Carl

no gay Carl I think I could be good I'm like I like keep myself in shape I'm like bitchy I'm like

you know I could be that guy what are you talking about what are you let me pitch gay me to you. Yes. Yes. If you go to gay events, you will see a lot of men on stage in shorts.

So it might be a problem. You might not enjoy it. Not for me. Not for me. That will be a struggle. That's his conversion therapy. Yucky. No, thank you.

I'm straight again. I'm not gay. I just want to suck Milan's dick. What is that well there is there is this phenomena of all these men who have

they're called men who have sex with men who don't identify as gay oh really a lot of sex with dudes there was a great there was a whole thing too of like J.O. parties that I found like a reddit on

like years ago J.O. meaning jerk off jerk off and so it would be guys just going like, all right, I'm basically looking for someone to come over to my house. We'll build some little trains. J-O party.

Nothing gay. The amount of times they're like, nothing gay. Just J-O party. Build some Legos. Build some TV. J-O. Nothing gay. I mean, the building trains is the gayest party.

Look how big my dick looks next to these little things. Hang on, this train's full of cum. What? Yeah. There's a girl safe on my ass. Give me a slight delay on the 510. Backing the train up and reversing it and making it go through the mountain again and again. There you go.

Getting any ideas here? So how did you, so what did you say? So I'm in bed being berated, being very fragile. And then she's's like will you explain this then and i'm like oh look it's milan's been going through a lot we were talking whatever and then it just got to that point of and she's like yeah but what about this stuff about fucking each other up the ass and i'm like i understand your confusion yeah yeah i go i understand i go look please appreciate you and your girls don't talk like that to each other? That's so good.

You're trying to give the whole back story. Go all the way. Oh, well, Milan's family's from Serbia. I don't know. But what's all this stuff about sucking his dick? It's just easier to be like, I am gay. I am gay. The easier version to explain is I am gay with Milan.

If we went through your phone right now, you'd be talking to your friend Janine about how she helped you out with the kids last night, how she babysat you. And you'd say, I'm going to come over and lick you out. I'm going to lick you out. Lick you out. You guys and your sex terms are amazing.

Lick you out. I'm just like, look, I'm very fragile. If you can appreciate, I'm in a very fragile position. I'm very hungover. And I'm doing my very best to listen to to be yelled at and i appreciate the position you're in and i'm really doing i think i'm she didn't appreciate the position you were in yeah yeah i'm like if you could really appreciate the effort i'm putting in considering i have not laughed once and this is a very funny thing for you to be reading all like all this

stuff is very good stuff it's taking all my effort to not get erect as I'm hearing this transcript back as well. Read it slower, Ben. Slow it down. A, it's very funny stuff, but B, it's a very funny idea that you think I'm out there at night faking a whole comedy career just to like go get in.

Faking running a comedy event. Right. Because that exists. I know I've absolutely made up. I knew you weren't a real event. Right. Because that exists. I know. I've absolutely made up. I knew you weren't a real comedian. You know what? I should have known. It all makes sense.

Going to all these shows. Performing. Yeah, you fucking liar. Doing a podcast. Yeah, yeah. You told me some of your jokes at home. That didn't make sense. You couldn't be doing that on stage for a living.

Going to Thailand for a podcast event. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah so i'm like appreciate i'm very hung up i said and i'm really trying my best not to laugh this is really funny stuff the fact that you think i'm fucking milan is so like i'm just like going out at night and like finding behind a like in a skip or something you know like behind a building and just bumming milan or. I think this is so... I'm sure she appreciated this defense. Yeah. This is funny. Yeah.

She thinks her life's... I don't know why you guys can't get a hotel. Yeah, yeah, but you know, you're right. Why does it have to be dumpster fucking?

That's a good point. I should have, if I had my time again, I would upgrade myself in the gay world. Yeah, right. For some reason, I'm a poor gay guy.

I shouldn't be... Dumpster. Milan lives alone It's some abandoned alleyway Near where the raccoons eat trash Well thanks for all this information now I could have used this a few weeks ago Carl thinks of it like it's like 72

We can't be seen It's a crime It's legal The Navy will find out I mean if anyone did see them two together We can't be seen. It's a crime. It's legal. The Navy will find out. I mean, if anyone did see them two together, it would be made illegal again. That is true.

That is fair. People go, can I still vote no? Very validating. So she goes, well, why? But, like, why would you say this stuff then? Why would you say this stuff? And I'm like, here's the worst thing. We, you are married to a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry, but me and most people I know.

This is where I need to get brought in. Yeah, yeah. Your husband is a total. Me and most people I know in this world are 12-year-old intelligence. Yeah. Maximum, maybe. She doesn't know this? No, because she doesn't hang out in comedy.

She doesn't come to gigs. This is why she should listen to the vodka. No, she doesn't know this no because she doesn't hang out in comedy she doesn't come to gigs this is why she should listen to the vodka no she shouldn't Carl's done the wise thing which is keep her as far away from who he is

as possible I know I know and she's like because otherwise she's like going through my phone looking for women or something

and she's found Milan fucking in the ass but you see when the worlds collide yeah they're killing independent cars they are

that is very true they really are so then honestly so then so all that happens so then I have to sit They're killing independent cars They are That is very true They really are So then Honestly So then All that happens So then I have to sit Meanwhile

We've closed the door Our four year old Has to sit outside Our four year old Is sitting outside So that we can have this talk About why I am not gay Wow

Why Danny's not gay Is she really She really is that far in this Yes Wow This was serious You were messaging me As this was going on,

saying you wanted to drink my Carmen. Hey, my wife thinks I'm gay. I should eat your ass later, you little bitch. Thanks for the good advice about how to convince my wife I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Now, I need to go to a hotel room in the middle of the day with three other men to record the little dumb, dumb, dumb, funny, a podcast that you do not

listen to and as far as you know does not exist so where are you recording? hotel I want it to be so hot that it feels like

we're in a sauna just to make it feel even more but let me listen to it it's behind the paywall this hotel is catching a lot of shrapnel on this podcast

where is this podcast behind the paywall what did you say a gay wall? what? what the hell? I can't get into this now I've got to go set up

the new gig I'm running it's a wet on wellington starts at 4 a.m yeah so i'm like i have to let go right okay this is the explanation i'm sorry it's not a good explanation but it's the explanation by the way very quickly can we just go back i think it's important to keep in your head and remember that this interaction is happening with you lying down in bed completely naked. Yes. So you're already on the back foot. Yes. Absolutely. Hung over. Yes.

You can't even get erect in front of me. I can see. That'll be good. Prove it. Go hard now for me. Yeah. Prove it. Go hard for me.

Prove it's something Milan always said to me. Stop bringing him up. I saw it move. You son of a bitch. Sorry. You've never seen Blanket again. It's like his catchphrase. That's all I'm saying, babe.

Yeah. Best gay fuck ever. So then she finally accepts this. She's like, okay, okay. And I'm like, I'm sorry. I was hoping I could get out of this thing so easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn it.

She sent the messages from Milan's phone. What the hell is this? I'm like, I still love you, my beloved beard. I mean wife. So then, it's like, honestly, a couple of days later. Damn, if we lost Jackman and Chandler in the same week. Oh, man. She then comes in like two, three days later and comes in.

She's on the phone. She comes in and goes and holds up her phone and goes, what's this about? I'm like, hang on a minute. She's got her own phone this time. What the fuck is this? I'm like, what's happened now? And she goes, I just got off the phone from and then names this person. Now, this person really weirdly is a mutual friend of both Milan and my wife.

A really weird Zen diagram where a friend of each of them can exist. A Venn diagram? What did I say? Zen diagram. That's Buddha and Siddhartha. Yes, not that. Not that. So then she's a mutual friend of those two, which is such a weird thing to connect my wife and Milan.

Sure. Like, I'm the only person in that diagram, not this other person. So this other person rang my wife about something else, and then went, this is two, three days after this whole argument's happened, then rings my wife and tells her a bit of information which she doesn't know. She goes, isn't it cool how your husband and Milan are going away, just them together, to Bangkok in a couple of weeks? Oh, my God.

And she's like, what the fuck? Now, wait. Is it because it's Thailand or she hears Bangkok and takes it in the way? It's all of that plus the fact I haven't told her this is happening. Yeah, I think this is a secret. I think this is a bad one anyway. Yeah. This is a bad one anyway.

But that on top of that is like, then it's like, what the fuck? And also, why wouldn't you tell me you're going overseas and i'm like it's pretty key information yeah in the face of my people closeted men have done a much better job of hiding their yes truly their sideline their side cock yes i'm not telling you that i've been gay my whole life i'm not going to tell you about a five-day holiday well there was no time for that at this point either I just convinced you I'm straight again I couldn't tell you my mouth was full of Milan's cock So what did she say to that?

I'm not going to spend much money while I'm there We're only getting the one room We'll only bang in the dirty alleys where the lights don't shine We don't even need a room, we won't be sleeping We'll just be sleeping. Trust me. We'll just be constantly fucking 24 hours. In public. In public.

No need for sleep when you love Son of Me. I saw you on the webcam. I saw what you were doing to each other. So what did she say? So did you talk her? She's like, I mean, I have gradually broken her over the years for all these insane things that I've done. Oh, cool, man. Yeah.

You sure sound straight. Yeah. The amount of dumb things I've done like that. The straightest thing you've ever said, Carl. Don't worry, I broke the woman. Yeah, you can't be gay. This would require a level of emotional intelligence That you do not require

Yeah right Right right So So she's She's bought it Yeah No she's not bought it That's a real thing

Now is the perfect time Yeah you tricked her Tommy You don't say you bought it When it's an actual thing You tricked her Tommy now is the best time To just get a picture

Of a dick going in an ass and just email his wife from an anonymous email. Yes. Now, I wonder where I could get a photo of that. Any ideas,

gentlemen? Well, congrats, Carl. That's awesome. Yeah. Now, have you slept with her since?

Because I feel like it's time to prove it. Yeah. Have you? Yeah, I mean, anally, sure, Because I feel like it's time to prove it Yeah Have you? Yeah, I mean, anally, sure But like That's not true That's not true

Well, please don't say her name We don't want to be talking about fucking her in the ass Well, you He's just asking me if I've had sex with her Why is that such a You're handling this like a closeted gay man would With my question about your wife Have you bang cocked her?

Have you? What are you guys going to watch on the plane? Kevin Kline in In-N-Out? Yeah. Have you been doing a bit of sleeping on the couch? Non-snore related? Yeah, right. There's been a bit.

There's been a bit. Oh my God. You've been in the dog boner house? Yeah. Everything's fine. Everything's fine at home We talked through it It all makes sense

But have you banged through it? Have you experienced coitus together recently? Yeah you have That's beautiful Thank you You give a good session? A real clear I'm gay I'm straight session

Sorry Whoopsie As Greg Fleet once said I fucked the gay out of me. Oh my lord. He had a routine where he had sex with a man and then the next time he had sex with a woman he used that term. Wow. Is that your angle?

That's not my angle. Isn't this, this is the spoken like a truly desperate man just throwing Greg Fleet under the bus. Try and buy yourself some time. I like the idea of your wife now. She's like, all right, well, you know, I believe him. He fucked me so good, I believe him. And then it's like the day you take off, she's like rifling through the newspaper.

In two days' time, appearing live for one night only in Bangkok, the village people. What the hell? I knew it. There's only two of them. I thought there was five at least. I didn't know there was a pajamied one. Who's that one?

The Sandman? The Sandman and the Serbian. The Sandman and the Serbian. So it's cowboy construction, police, Serbian Sandman? Wow. Congrats, Carl. Good on you, man. It's hard to come out, but it gets better.

Thank you, man. I want to tell you that. Thank you. What year anniversary is this? Good on you, man. It's hard to come out. But it gets better. Thank you, man. I want to tell you that. Thank you. What year anniversary is this? It goes silver, wood, gay man's dick. Fully gay. Wow.

Gay man's dick. Did you tell Milan all this was going on? Yes. And how did he handle it? Was he upset with you? Everyone I've told the story of absolutely loves it. Yeah, right. So every now and then he'll just send me a text later tonight saying, I'm going to suck your dick.

And then the next text will be at, and then it says my wife's name. You know what would be probably a funny thing for the listeners to do? Because some people do have access to your number, right? It would probably be an interesting experiment for us all to just start flooding you with texts that are just kind of insinuative. No, no. I'd be interested in that.

I think what's great about it is it's interactive and you love to interact with your fans. So it would just be cool at any time to just make sure that your phone's probably going off. So how do you do that thing where just the notification comes up and not the whole thing? You can't. How do you do that thing? You can't. How do you do that bit? They got rid of it.

Well, well, well. Look who's the boomer now. Yeah. I think they block it for some people. You have to go into Apple and you have to tell them why. Only gay people can use that. Right. Okay.

Damn. Fuck. Was there ever a point? Sophie's choice. If you want to know how you'd go as a gay man, obviously we need to download Grindr and put your photos on there. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, yeah. That'd help. Like just putting my face on Grindr. put your photos on there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah, that would help. Like, just putting my face on Grindr. That's just going to hurt him. He's going to be like, no hits, no likes. After I take two hours of that, of explaining to my wife that I'm straight, and then all of a sudden all these screenshots are being sent to my wife going, why is your husband on Grindr? And me going, again, comedy.

It's for the podcast. This is for comedy. I think it would be really good to really just really push this and really try to convince your wife that she might have taken your explanation too early. No. Yeah. I don't think I need to push this at all. I think it was hard enough to convince her last time.

I think that this is all great and that I'm doing a big risk by even bringing this up on the podcast. This is how you do comedy. This is interactive. This is how we. And I'm doing a big risk by even bringing this up on the podcast. This is how you do comedy. This is interactive. This is how we do comedy now. You wouldn't know. But this is what it looks like. I can see it from afar. I can see it.

I don't know. I'm going to definitely do it. And I invite everybody else to do it in this room and listeners. Has Milan interacted with your wife since all of this happening? No. Interesting. That'll be a hell of a meet up. That'll be tense.

I can't wait for that. I know. It's always hard meeting the new... I know. Your ex's new partner. I know. Yeah, it's awkward.

Just looking at him going, what did I do wrong? How come? How come I'm better than this? I mean, both of them are saying that, obviously. Obviously, yeah.

Saying what? I'm better than them. Oh, they're better than you? Come on, Carl. You're a catch. No, not me. I mean them. They're fighting over me. Oh, they're better than you? Come on, Carl, you're a catch. No, not me. I mean them. They're fighting

over me. Well, that's also insane. Yeah, okay. I'm just trying to think. It does all kind of line up.

All right. You work in the arts. Yes. You like soccer. Very gay. That's not gay. You're very bitchy

and gossipy. Yes, thank you. You are a gossip. You're welcome. Yes. I'm a hunk. Yes. You're in alleys a lot. Yeah. Yes. I'm a hunk. Yes. You're in alleys a lot.

Yeah. You fled a small country town. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of the people didn't like me there. They didn't know. Yeah, yeah. You were persecuted for who you were.

Yes. I'm not gay. We know. Get the fuck out of here really it's on your own merits

you're awful you're the file cabinet kid go yeah yeah I came out of the cabinet share all the

porn the softcore porn didn't you find the softcore porn you brought back from your house there you go that should be that's something that was like 20 years ago you know a lot of things can change yeah that's true Cheryl, the porn, the softcore porn. Didn't she find the softcore porn you brought back from your house? Yes. That should be up there.

That's something. That was like 20 years ago. A lot of things can change. Yeah, that's true. That was a 20-year-old porno. That's true. She thought I was watching Pammy and Tommy for Tommy, I think. I think that's what she thought.

Well, we all sort of were. That's what gay people do. They watch straight porn and just look at the man. Don't you? Don't you? Not with their other options. Don't you? Tom, how does it work?

Walk us through your porn. What, does that stop you from watching Tommy by just seeing Pammy's tits and going, yucky! No, I'm just saying. Can you text me about how it works at three in the morning? When I've got my text notifications turned back on. A lot of images to sort of walk me through what that would be like

explicitly. Carl's understanding of being gay so you're unable to see the pussy if i have to be gay i at least have to know how it works i have to know how to work or at least if i'm going to be straight continue being straight i have to work how the opposite of it works you know what i have to know what how it works in the gay world so that I can make sure I don't do that to convince my wife. Because you're gay, yes. Every instinct, like George again,

do the opposite. Whatever you think, do the exact opposite and you'll please your wife. It does sound like you're going to the place that maybe makes the most sense, which is you do need to bang Milan. Yeah. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Please. To figure out why that, to explain to your wife why it's not something you're into. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? To rule it out. And film yourself going, oh, yeah.

I'm barely coming. It's not much. Yeah, that was added in post. It's like you don't like oysters and people are like, have you ever tried one? Just try one right now in front of me. If you don't like it, I'll leave you alone. Maybe my wife's going to be like, you know, like the dad with the cigarettes.

Oh, you had one. Now you're going to have to smoke the whole pack. You have to fuck Milan 32 times. Oh, damn. Oh, no. All right. This is the opposite of what I wanted to happen. All right.

Well, I think that's going to do us for another week. Ironically answering the question, what was his name? Yes, Milan. Yeah All right. Well, I think that's going to do us for another week. Ironically answering the question, what was his name? Yes. Milan. Milan. Yeah, right. Truly. Yeah.

Man. I'm glad. Boy, it's just, it's a very strange existence, isn't it? It's fun, isn't it? Yeah. It's good to have something to talk about. Yeah. There's always something.

Yeah. There's always something. It's like, you know, one hour a week, it's like fun to document this. Does Tommy ever do anything strange or it's just... He thinks it's normal, the things he does. So it's not like really fun to talk about. But you do too. No, I...

No, you do. Well, why am I saying check this story out? Honestly, this is the wildest one because it's almost normal. It's like the most relatable. I'm not starting the story by going check out the normal thing that just happened. I'm not saying that. That did happen with pajamas. No, I didn't.

Yes, that came out organically. You go back and check. No, you were like, anyway, you were like getting to some other, you were like, I was on the train and I saw a weird thing. It was the one I used to ride when I had pajamas on under my real clothes.

No, no, no. Yeah. No. I swear that's not true. All right. Stop trying to make me sound silly. Oh, he's having a bit of a hissy fit. You know how they get.

Wow. It's my time of the month. Oh, wait. That's the other thing. Oh, fuck. Damn. Have some amel and chill the fuck out, you weirdo. I'm just going to send one real quick text.

All right, we'd better wrap it up. Wait, I've just got to text my buddy Carl. No, no. No, no. Let me see. All right, well, we'd better wrap it up there. Anus, baby. Another classic gay text.

Let me see that anus. Let me see that anus. I'm like, can I leave Madonna? Please show me your balls. I can see my wife just picking the phone up now. Who is this Cupid that's texting you? Is that like straight men will be like, are you a tits man or an ass man? Gay men are like, are you an anus man or are you a urethra man?

Man, I love that urethra. Oh, God. So sexy. All right, that's going to do us for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. It sure is. Tom Ballard, Gareth Reynolds, thank you for joining us. Yeah. Oh, I have a new podcast called We're Here to Help.

Great. Go listen to that. Well, I don't think... I don't think anyone made it this far, to be honest. I'm not substantiating that you are here to help, Gareth. I'm not sure of the legitimacy of that name. I don't think you've helped me at all today. I've got a friend who might need to give you a call, Gareth. I'm not sure of the legitimacy of that name. I don't think you've helped me at all today. I've got a friend who might need to give you a call, Gareth.

Pass the details on. Yeah, I know. I have a feeling I know who it is. My wife thinks I'm gay. No, my husband is gay. Well, it's an honour as always. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Gareth.

And Tom, you got the special taping? Yeah, please come. Your last one. The first ever posthumous one. I'm going to do that and shoot myself. Another gay suicide. In a helicopter. Please tell me all your tips before you go.

My gay tips. December the 4th, Monday. That's a Monday night at the Corner Hotel. Filming all my red hot jokes at the moment in front of nice cameras. Tickets are available through the appropriate venues. Cool. Nice. Thanks, everyone.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, gay mates. And they've done it again. Oh. Bernie has taken a big one up the bum. Yep. Good stuff. Gareth. Pleasure to have Gareth while he's in the bum. Yep. Good stuff.

Gareth. Pleasure to have Gareth Wallace. He's in the country. Hey, if you like Gareth, quick plug for him. He's still doing shows. He's still in the country. Yeah, he's got like one more weekend or something of shows. I think he's in Sydney this weekend.

Sydney and stuff. Yeah. Go along and say hi to him or whatever. Probably don't say hi to him. Man, I went for a beer with him a couple of days after we recorded this. And man, yeah, it's funny. Like a lot of people stopped him on the street. Just random people stopped him on the street.

Interesting. Yeah. So yeah. We stopped him on the street. Yes. And said, will you do a podcast? Yes. So no, great times to have him.

And what a lovely man to use his precious time in Australia by sitting in a room with us. Yeah. Always exciting seeing that he's going to be back in the country. Yeah. Catch up with our little buddy. Always a bit of pressure to go, all right, what's something super fucked I can think of to tell him.

Yeah. What a gift from God. Yes. And hey, for anyone who was at the Perth live show, uh, the other week, you've got it. If you stuck around, you've got a little sneak peek of that story. Oh, yes. In an unrecorded sealed section. Yes.

Where we thought, I think the idea was let's use this to tell some stuff that we wouldn't be able to say on the actual show for whatever reason. Yes. And then you did it and it went well and you went, I think I'm just going to do that on the show now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So some of you will have seen the work in progress up there. Thanks for coming to the whip.

Perth Fringe started a bit early this year. Yeah, yeah. They've moved it forward to November. Yeah, some of the other stuff fell by the wayside. So, yeah, some of it was definitely we're not allowed to say again. Yeah. But we might do that again. What if we do that again this Saturday?

What are we going to do for this live show this Saturday? Do we do a live Talking Dum Dum Dumb or do we do a live secret vault rotten stories that we're not allowed to say on this thing? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we could do

one of those things. Yeah. Yeah, we'll see. Talking Dumb Dumb's always something about doing this, reading names in front of a crowd.

It just makes me feel alive. Do you like it? Yeah, it's fun. I think it's good. Well, what are we doing then? I don't alive. Do you like it? Yeah, it's fun. Okay. I think it's good. Well, why don't we do it then? I don't know. It feels like it makes people at home that maybe don't otherwise listen to Talking Dumb Dumb actually listen to it.

Right. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Or like people in the crowd that are there that have never listened to the recorded version. Oh, yeah. Then they watch us do it live and they're like, you know what? That's actually pretty funny. I'm going to start listening to it.

It's more like an ad for this bit of the show. You know what? You're right. That's a very good point. That's like sometimes, you know, I've heard a new album by a band and gone, oh, and then seen them do the songs live and then gone, I get it now. Yeah.

This is my favourite album. Exactly. It's that. Okay. So we're going on a, this is where we're officially going on a- The Little Dum Dum Club performs Talking Dum Dum in its entirety for the 10th anniversary. We're doing the Talking Dum Dum Club, Talking Dum Dum live tour.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Okay, all right. We'll lock it in. We'll do it this weekend. I mean, and look, ideally, the dream would be if Talking Dum Dum became more popular live than Little Dum Dum Club live. Yes.

Then guess what? We can just tour and just not need to fucking worry about guests being in town or bringing guests with us. Just you and me and a list of names hitting the open road. Well, you know what it is? It's like doing this podcast for this long and given where we were at the coalface, we're the pioneers at the start, and we just get to go in there and talk shit to our friends. And these days, you can't do that.

You need that angle. Talking Dumb Dumb has the angle. That's the thing that people come out. It's about names. It's about names. It's the most relatable topic that exists. So then you see a new podcast start up and they have some dog shit fucking premise

and it's like, oh, it's about the fucking flowers we see on the way to the show or whatever it is, whatever the fuck it is. And people are like, oh yeah, we love the fucking flower show. And we're sitting there going, man, we don't even have a hook. We're fucking just plucking shit out of the air.

We're doing the hard yards. We should be good. And then we have this hook. Oh, we read names out and everyone goes, this sucks. Yeah, but also it is amazing that no other show exists that has gone, we're going to read out names. Yeah, Yeah. I think there's some...

When you think about like how desperate people are for a hook for their pod. Do some people do exactly what we do? Do some people read out Patreon names and do a bit of like riffing off the back of them? I don't know. I feel like some people, some podcasts might do that. I believe that the reading out of names exists, but I think they're just knocking it off in. Right. They're just literally, which was what this was to begin with yes right right okay it

was just meant to be a two minute now we'll just read out a few people and say thanks we'll probably get through them all within a couple of months yes and then uh that'll be it yeah anytime a new one comes in we chuck them at the start of the show um by the way we're recording this in in my house and uh you're welcome welcome for the amount of couches in this room now. I actually like it. Yeah. I'm sitting facing you on an opposite couch.

It's more couch than room at the moment. It's good. We got a new couch and then we didn't get rid of our old couches yet. Yeah. And now the whole fucking lounge room is couch. It's good. I mean, that one, I liked it. Well, yeah, this one's blocking the TV.

Yes. That one's blocking access to the kitchen. Yes. I like it though. So you're going from, you were formerly a two-couch household. Yes. The plan is to now be a one-couch household. Yeah, but with the-

With an ottoman. Ottoman. Very nice of you to say that. Thank you. I know what Dave O'Neill would have called it. Yes, that's the new plan. Because, yeah, look, that couch is worn out to shit. Then your couch was never sat in.

And then that other chair was never sat in. Oh, the chair's going as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a bit of an attempt on Facebook Marketplace and absolutely no takers. Really? Yeah, except for one taker that my wife went, okay, great, I've got a taker. And then pushed the couches outside of this house.

Yeah, I think we talk about this on a bonus episode that's coming up. So, guys, there's an ad for you to get on Patreon. A bonus episode where we talk about selling couches. Yeah, well, I won't tell you the outcome right now. Who knows what happens? Who knows what happens to the couch that I'm currently sitting on? Yeah, yeah. Spoilers.

Yeah, so, fucking, man. Anyway, good news is this couch works. I've already passed out on it. It looks like a good couch. Yeah. It's comfy. I'm happy with it. It's pretty good.

And it's... Good color. We had to have a big family meeting about it. Mm-hmm. And because my wife chose those couches that you're on at the moment, which are white. Yep. Which I'm like, that is a horrible idea. Mm-hmm.

And now we're getting new kitchen. Now we're getting new dining chairs because if you can see the dining chairs that we've got. I can't. There's a couch in the way. Yes, you're right. But they are absolutely built for the cat to wreck. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do know. Yeah. I normally sit in one of them to do this. And they're destroyed by the cat. So we've had to get destroy proof. Oh, man. I'm enjoying this layout, honestly. Yeah. I think you should keep this couch just for the like maybe once a

month that i come around here to do this yeah i do like it but again it is covering the tv yeah and i've been sitting here and i i'm like i i haven't moved it it's the most frustrating way to change the channel because it's covering the sensor oh you gotta stand up and like aim it down yeah and also i watched i couldn't sleep the other night i gotta stand up and like aim it down yeah and also i watched i couldn't sleep the other night i was sick and so i sat up all night and watched the cricket world cup oh yeah and of course the couch covers the score so the whole time i'm just watching it i can't have the sound up because it's 3 a.m and i'm just sitting watching the cricket with no sound on not knowing the score that's good though no spoilers something that's live

just when you feel like knowing you can be like all right yeah i think i'm ready to find out i'm just i'll stand up and have a little peek yeah i'm just reading the faces of the bowlers and batsman going oh i guess i know who's winning yeah i guess i'm getting the vibe of the way the tides turn yeah that's good that sounds fun i literally was watching it and then had the fucking score on my phone next to me. So I was checking that. Yeah.

Just stupid. Yeah. I like this a lot. I like this layout. Yeah. Well, like we said, this Saturday, if you're listening to this hot off the presses and you're in Melbourne, November the 25th, live show, 4 p.m. at the Basement Comedy Club. I think I've got a bit...

I think I've put some mixed messages out there. You can come at four. I think we start at 4.30. Oh, okay. Well, you should get there at four. Yeah. Don't get there at 4.30. It's stupid.

This is like the fucking Queensland and Perth thing I complain about. Four o'clock. The show's at four o'clock. Is it? No. 4.30.

Oh, okay. Yeah. No, it's doors at four. Yeah. Show at 4.30. But they never say doors at four. They just say four o'clock. Yeah.

So, anyway. The other states give you your own responsibility that you know when to turn up. Yeah. Show it for eight. But they never say doors at four. They just say four o'clock. Yeah. So anyway. The other states give you your own responsibility that you know when to turn up. Yeah. And get your shit together. We'll get in there.

But us, we just say two different times. If you listen to this on Wednesday, get down there now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to be safe. Camp out.

Doors at Wednesday. Camp out just to get front row for three days. Yes. All right. all right well hey thank you to everyone um our revolutionary part of the show the thing that you're going to hear live on saturday potentially um when we read names out the only show in the world i'm going to say it now the only show in the world that reads names out and is maybe not the only show that reads them out but certainly the only show that spends as much time on them as we do okay i think we can confidently claim that if you know

of a show yes that talks about the names at least as much as we do we'll match their price yeah exactly we'll match their price let us know yeah yeah i'd like to know um so thank you to everyone who subscribes on patreon um we love it we love being able to pay um utilities um so thank you to everyone who subscribes on Patreon. We love it. We love being able to pay utilities. So thank you very much for that. And we hope that you enjoy the bonus content that comes in. We hope that you enjoy the fact that we immortalize, make you part of the show. Make you like, you're like, you know, those bricks that, you know, have names on them on buildings and whatever. And they do that bullshit sort of fundraising sort of stuff.

That's what this is. Yeah. You are part of the framework of this show now. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week, thank you to Kyle Wood. Kyle Wood. That's right. Okay.

The bad version of my name, plus something that can build things. Yeah. Yes. Or slang for having an erect penis. Yes. A very popular surname in the porn industry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you can't, not everyone can have the name Dong. That's a weird coincidence, isn't it? That so many people that end up in porn have the surname of Wood. Well. It's really weird. It's. It's kind of scary. Maybe they're all related

to one huge dicked person that had the surname Wood. That's just gone down the family tree. Is that hereditary having a big dick? Yeah, I wonder. Who would ever want to find that out though?

Yeah, I know. I i'm gonna ask my dad and my grandpa what size their dicks are that that's it yes yes exactly now that's the tricky one it's like yeah you look at your dick and go okay well i wonder if my dick my dad's dicks exact same size i wonder what point in human history they started going hey these are all like different sizes you know like word getting around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you probably just assume that yours is the same as everyone else's, but it's not.

There's a great deal of variant. But you hear that from girls, and I'm sure both girl listeners that we have will probably be saying this right now, that say, you know, they're with a guy really early on, and they go, okay, that's what you cop. And then they break up with that guy after two years and then find someone very, very different. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my. I didn't know this is how this works.

Yeah. Yeah. I always think about how it must be like, yeah, that moment where you, if you're a girl and you, like, hook up with someone and you go back and that moment where they're getting naked. You just have no idea what you're in for. I know.

It's like, bizarre to me. It's crazy. We absolutely know what we're getting with breasts. It's out there. Yeah. It's advertised. I got into a drunken, very long discussion. Let's say borderline argument.

Yes. At a friend's house in their backyard. discussion, let's say borderline argument, at a friend's house in their backyard about how there is more variation in penises than there is in vaginas. Right. And then all the women were like, you don't know what you're talking about. And I was like, I guess my point is more like for a woman who's going to have sex with a man

and she's seeing the penis, it's going to really affect the way that she goes about this. Right. You know? It's like you might have to be like, oh, whoa, that's so big or, oh, Jesus, that's really tiny. Not to say that there's not variation in vaginas. Yes. But men are like, we don't care. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yes. Like we're not affected by it to the same extent yes and it just ends up being this my friend for some reason had like a they'd gotten as a joke gift like a vagina coloring book that then they ran upstairs and got and it's all these like just 20 pages of illustrations of different vaginas and we're going through them and we're like screaming about this in the backyard and then my friend is like guys it's 1am we have got to move this inside before the police are called yeah we're like screaming about this in the backyard. And then my friend is like, guys, it's 1am. We have got to move this inside before the police get called. We're in the backyard screaming about pussies and dicks.

Like, we've got to wrap this up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you. I think I agree. I don't, I can't say I've had too, I've even heard of too many conversations about men going, yeah, I was with this girl and her vagina was like this. Yeah.

I can't say I've. There's not a point where I'm like, oh, I don't know what I'm in for here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I imagine if you're a woman, it's like, oh, this is the moment of truth. Yes. Yes. It's a real, ta-da, it's a real little magic act. Am I going to have the back walls absolutely blown out?

Yeah. Or am I getting the speech ready about like, hey, you know, it's, yeah, yeah. It's actually, this is, am I going to have to do some acting here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the biggest I've ever seen. It's a really good looking one. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's cute. What if you were like, yeah, this girl I'm with, she said I'm the biggest she's ever seen. Oh, wow. So what does she do for work? She's a nurse on a maternity ward. She said she's seen heaps.

And mine's the biggest. And she said mine's one of the biggest. Top five. Not bad. And she's seen heaps of of the biggest. Top five. Not bad. And she's seen heaps of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks, Kyle Wood. Yeah.

Having said that, all the others she's seen weren't erect. So... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They might really... Hey, they might be growers, not showers. Yep. Thanks, Kyle Wood. Thanks, Kyle.

Thank you very much to Painter and Subscriber. Thanks, Kyle. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber. Well, here we go. This is someone who I have the name of, but they've given this name. Been a lot of these lately. Yeah. I feel like we've gone a while without one of these, and now it feels like once a week. Well, let's just do this, and then we can have the debate. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber.

No name Nath. No nameNath. NoNameNath. Yeah. Okay. So I'm assuming that means I don't say the name, which I have here. If you're going to call yourself NoNameNath.

I mean, I don't even know whether that means I shouldn't have even said Nath. I don't know. Well, you might be pronouncing it wrong. It could be Naname. Okay, right. NanameNath. Right. Apologies.

Apologies, Naname. Naname. Yep. From the Nath tribe. Okay, right. Naname Naith. Right. Apologies. Apologies, Naname. Naname. Yep. From the Naith tribe. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's it. But otherwise, I have another.

Well, look, their email address is quite different from that. So, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe that's their slave name. I don't know. But let's say this person. Again, this debate. Why do people not want their names associated

with this show why are people i wonder but i wonder well yeah we just yeah why wouldn't someone want their name to lead to a riff about an erect baby yes i wonder though if that's just like a this could be a nickname you know what's the biggest no name nath no but i think what's the so if people are worried about having their name read out on the show has there ever been any consequence of someone having their name read out on this show oh yeah someone ever been cancelled yeah someone ever lost their job yeah um what would someone have to put in there for you to respect the wishes and not read them out? Oh, no, I'm fine with it.

I'm fine with it. But I'm just curious as to what people are scared of or what's the worst thing that's ever happened off the back of this happening. Yeah. I just, like, who's going... Has someone ever had their name read out and then walked down the street and someone come up and gone, Hey, aren't you Kyle Wood? Yeah, you're getting ID'd to go into a nightclub. Yeah. And they're like, hey, from the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard your name get read out. Yeah, I fucking hated that read. Yeah. Boom. Yeah. And just absolute cow punched him. Yeah.

Is that what's happened? Maybe. Let us know. Yeah. I'd like to know any consequence at all that what's happening let us know yeah i'd like to know or like any consequence at all that's ever happened or yeah or i mean i could imagine this happening like you get your name read out and then someone that you know that you didn't know each other listened they hear it right and they get in touch and they're like yeah hey you

listen to little dun dun club i heard you in the patreon right yeah i've seen that happen in our like facebook groups all the time. It's like, oh, I didn't know you were aware. Oh, what are you doing in here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, well, that's good unless someone's like, maybe someone's like, oh, an ex-girlfriend listens or an ex-boyfriend listens and they don't want them to know or something.

I don't know. You know what I mean? Or maybe their dad listens and they go, I don't know. I don't want dad to know where my pocket money's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe someone's divorced. There's a really funny... And the alimony money is being used on this.

There's a really funny... I don't know what made me think of this, but I don't know if you've ever watched the sketches that are on the Tenacious D live DVD. No. There's a really funny one where it's like Jack Black, he's in a car park and he's like cruising to suck dick and Kyle turns up but he's in a disguise

and he's got like a mask on and Jack's like, oh, it'll be this much and he's like, okay. And then there's this very graphic thing of him sucking off Kyle, not realising that it's his bandmate. And then for whatever reason, Kyle takes the mask off and Jack gets up and he's got his face covered in cum. And he's like, man, that's a lot of cum. And he looks up and he sees that it's Kyle and he goes,

you haven't got any money. That's the guy that's in the Goosebumps and Jumanji movies back in the day making a sketch about his friend covering his face in cum. The man in a movie where he's a schoolteacher and just kind of working with children license there. That's his talking dum-dum. He doesn't want anyone to find out about that sketch. But look it up.

I imagine it's on YouTube or something. It's funny stuff. Now, School of Rock, that's like a porno title. That's built for that. It's got to be School of Cock, right? But then, how do you get around that? Do you have to go, right, the school is, like, what's the parody there? You have to have a guy teacher in an all-girls school,

but the all-girls school is like... It's a college. It's college. It's college now. Everyone's 18. Yeah. Yeah. I also do just think, although there's like a Simpsons porn parody

and there's like kids in that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know if they're ever doing like, you know, Bart and Lisa. I feel like we talked about this. Yeah, maybe. And maybe we looked it up and they do have a bit of that in there. Oh, okay.

Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, surely not. I mean, I talked about going to the Stripsons burlesque show. Yes. Oh, yeah. Did Bart and Lisa get it out? Yeah, yeah.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Okay.

Well, thanks, No Name. Thanks, No Name. Thanks, Naname. Thanks. Thanks, Triple N. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Thank you to Taylor Lamandola. Lamandola. Taylor Lamandola.

Now... I like the name Taylor. Do you, Tommy? Do you like the way this Taylor is spelt? Uh-oh. Yes. Let me guess. Please.

T-A-Y? Yes. L-A-H? No. Do you want to have another go? T-A-Y... Yes. L-A?

No. Worse. Hmm. Worse. Hmm. Worse? Yes. Okay, hit me. Think about something good and then flick it. Flick it around to make it bad.

T-A-Y-L-R-E. Taylor Ray. Yeah. That's Taylor though, isn't it? I guess. Yeah. That's Taylor, though, isn't it? I guess. Yeah. See, this is like... I'm sorry, Taylor Lemondola.

And we really appreciate the money that you're sending us. But we don't have to feel bad about offending her. Yeah. We're offending her parents. Well, no, we are offending her. Well, no, I mean, she didn't pick this horrendous spelling of her name. I know, but if I was to say, Tommy, what a shit name, you're a fucking cunt for having that name, you can't help but take a little bit of offence of that.

I'd take offence at the, you're a cunt for having that name. The shit name thing, I'd go, yeah, that's fair enough. My parents came up with it. But then to make the leap of, I'm a cunt for having that name. Yeah. Well, that's pure mayonnaise. And I'm not saying that about Taylor. I'm saying the opposite.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure they're a great person. Yes, I agree. But I'm just saying, if we're going to get into the weeds of what we think about the spelling of this name, I just want to make it clear that it's not your fault, Taylor.

Yes. Your parents bestowed this, Taylor. Yes. Your parents bestowed this upon you. Yes. So you shouldn't feel bad about any riffs that we're coming up with about the name. I just didn't think we had any listeners with some of those sort of names. Yeah. I'm sure you're terrific, but that is, you know, I just didn't think we had... Terrific.

T-R-E-F-F. You know, I just didn't think we had... Terrific. T-R-E-F-F. I just didn't think we had some of them in our listenership. Yeah. With people young enough and to have that sort of weird spell name. Well, I'm sure I've told this before, but my cousin, I think, maybe she was doing... I can't remember what job this was where she encountered this, but it was like a young kid.

It was like a, you know, two-year-old at the time. Who, yeah, they're probably like 12 or something now. But the name was like L-A, written out, pronounced LaDasha. Rough stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to find this person on. Do you think Taylor Swift would be as popular if her name was spelled this way?

Yeah. That's true. That's the real test of a rose by any other name. If you could go into an alternate reality where she's spelled differently and she's still a muso. She's still kind of popular, but she's coming out here

and she's just playing like Max Watts. Yeah. There's still a muso. Like, she's still kind of popular. But she's coming out here and she's just playing, like, Max Watts. Yeah. There's not the, like, crazy demand. And it's all the same songs. And the people that are into her are like, it's crazy that she's not bigger. Because these are, like, some of the best songs that have ever been written. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, look. This must be – I'm looking up the person. And this must be them, because they happen to be, it seems like this is the only person in the world. I can't imagine there's too many. Yeah. It seems like the only person in the world that has this name. And yes, what I thought, a young-ish, young sort of a lady with this name, which that's

the surprising bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Well, not to, I don't know if this is okay to do, not to like get you to necessarily dox anyone, but in dealing with your daughter's like daycare and stuff like that. Yes. What's the fruitiest child name you've come across? Yeah.

Any standouts? No. No. Okay. No. No, not much at all. I feel like maybe now we're past that a bit i do feel like when my cousin encountered that name ladasha that's like 10 12 years ago i feel like it was like there was a window there where it was like really really prevalent yeah and then because

it's become like enough of a sort of thing that people make fun of yes people have eased up on a bit like now maybe maybe we're just not my i i think my child is probably not going to the sort of we're in the different sort of socioeconomic yeah area yes yeah i believe so yeah i think i think especially after i went to a school orientation day for primary school for next year. Yep. And, you know, I live in a suburb that, yeah, it was interesting to meet some of the other parents. Yep. And I'm like, okay, right. It's not like hoity-toity, but it's certainly upper. Yeah, yeah.

Upper middle class. Yeah, you're the cusp of hoity-toity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One or two suburbs that way. We're getting really hoity-toity. No, totally, totally. It's a lot of young, well-to-do professionals. Yep.

Yes. And a lot of people are very keen to get their WhatsApp group going. Yep. I'm very much looking forward to that next year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You thrive in a group chat oh god yeah no you're there head to toe liverpool gear fresh from a run yeah baked in sweat

yes that's just me right now yeah yeah yeah um yeah and it's like people very keen to get all these social things happening or whatever the fuck is going on i'm like oh can i just put on a comedy night or something and then that'll be my thing for the year? Oh, you're going to be that? You're going to be that guy now? Yeah. Like, hey, guys, come on down to this gig.

Yeah. When people plug that stuff on their personal pages, I always find that interesting when they're like, hey, guys, we're putting on a night of comedy at my kid's school. Come on down. And it's like, why are you plugging this to just random people that you know i don't know surely the whole audience for this is just people at the school yeah like who's going yeah i'm going to a comedy night at this school that i don't even have a kid yeah i just like the lineup no totally yeah yeah it's like if you

can tell me a better place to see claire hooper on a Wednesday night. I'd love to hear it. Okay, I mean, look, if this is raising money for the fucking St. Augustine's bake sale, I don't give a fuck. I just want to see Limo. Nah, you know, in the comedy rooms, it's all a bit too set up. I want to be in a gymnasium with a PA that barely works. Sitting on a shit little fold-up chair. That's what happens in comedy. The big big comedians this will still happen big comedians will always have these like

their kids at some school it's like oh they'd put on some comedy show and people get roped in to do these comedy shows it's a fundraiser for a primary school so i'm gonna finally be one of these guys except i'm not gonna do it at the fucking. I have a fucking comedy club. So whenever they ask me to do something, it's like, man, I'm not fucking doing jack shit. I'm not manning the fairy floss machine. I'm going to put on a show at Basement. You can come down. I'll put on a live podcast for you.

I wonder how long it's going to be until there's a second WhatsApp group set up just without you in it. What's wrong with this guy? Yeah, it's fine by me. It's fine by me. Put me on mute. Yeah, yeah. You can come.

You can come. I'm going to do a live Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast just for this primary school. And we'll just read out names of... Oh, I mean, schools weirdly are purpose-built for us because most schools have the board with all the previous school captains you know if we just go through everyone from 1970

no we just do a roll call for the school for the class oh yeah that's good we just roast the names of all the kids that are in class with my child

roll call goes for eight hours a day fucking hell and we invite the parents along and we roast their kids names yep oh my god that's pretty good

could you think of a worse gig than that? A worse gig? No, a worse gig in terms of worse response. Oh, yeah. We're roasting their kids' names to them. Yeah, I wonder, though. I mean, who knows? Fuck.

It might go off. It might not. We might get killed. That's every gig. That could be. Yeah, we could be in the paper that could be the worst possible gig yeah we may have look i'm putting on by the way people have been asking me about uh worst of melbourne comedy coming up in the comedy festival next year it's

it's happening i'm registering it so get ready yep um but that that could be worse than that yeah that could be possibly in our never-ending quest to find, to create the worst gig of all time, whether it's at Hungry Jack's, whether it's calling it the worst of Melbourne comedy, but to roast children's names to their parents without anyone else in the room. That could be the worst. It might be obvious to the audience, but we want this to end. All of our behaviour in the last couple of years of just trying to put on

incrementally worse and worse gigs, we're just trying to do something that finally ends us forever. And we go out in a blaze of glory. We've got a $1 million insurance policy on this podcast. Yeah, and this could be it. Turning up to a school and calling Robert Simons a dumb little cunt, that could be it. Well, thanks, Taylor.

Thanks, Taylor. Thanks, Taylor. Sorry for any negative connotations on the spelling of your name, but it's there. I've got to say it. You've got to say it. But you seem like a lovely young lady. Yeah.

And thank you very much. And also, you're from Texas. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, cool. That's pretty cool. young lady yeah and thank you very much and also you're from texas oh okay yeah yeah cool that's pretty cool um uh mail us you know if you want to skip a week on the patreon just mail us some brisket yeah nice yeah yeah we we went to texas once and we had some excellent food didn't we yeah we did it was fucking amazing yeah it was fun Every time I've ever eaten brisket since then, I've gone, this is shithouse.

Really? Yeah, compared to the memory I have of that food in Texas. Yeah, I remember it being good, but I couldn't compare it to anything I've had here. I've had some good stuff here, but yeah. Maybe it was just the time and place and memory. It hadn't really kicked off here like it's it's pretty like the whole american barbecue thing has really kicked off here in the last few years and i feel like when we went over there it wasn't as much of a thing here yeah so it was also the thing of being like

whoa like we went to that place from friday night lights yes and we were just like this is so awesome because you just do not you cannot get this kind of experience in Melbourne at all. Yes, yes. And now that's not the case. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Maybe I should give more places a go. I do remember trying a few places here at the time and going, this is fucking ten times worse.

Yeah. Thanks, Taylor. Thanks, you know, everything's bigger in Texas, including the misspelling of names. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Let's just do this. Couldn't get the last name.

Thank you very much to Caitlin with a K. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that does make a bit more sense because you've got the Kate in there. Kate typically spelled with a K. Well, yeah, but K-A-I-T.

Wow. Yeah. That's fine. So no last name? Well, yeah, but K-A-I-T. Wow. Yeah. That's fine. So no last name? Well, didn't give the last name. Couldn't figure it out from the email. So that's that. That's that.

Caitlin. Yeah, Caitlin. Kate Lynn. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Ms. Lynn. Thanks, Kate. Yes.

But, you know, look, I'm a fan. I'm always, I can't help it, I'm always on the side of someone that has the K at the start of the name. Oh, yeah. As a fellow K name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. I'm always like, yep, in the club.

It's a subconscious little club. I don't know if the rest of you guys, Kyle, Wood, Caitlin, do you feel the same? I just feel like K is such a different letter. You do love the letter K. Multiple times. I just feel like we're slightly different from the rest. You know, not everyone has it. It's out of, this would be a good question,

out of the 26 letters, rank them in popularity. I reckon K would be towards, it would be. Is this our follow-up to Roasting the Kids' Names? We do a live show where we just rank the letters in the alphabet? I would love that. Jesus Christ. That would be great. Yeah.

I would put it in the, not only the bottom half, I would put it in the bottom third. That might be the most thing where you can just, you are never going to get a unified, because everyone's too coloured by their own personal. Yeah. You're never going to be able, like, even ranking, by their own personal yeah you're never going to be able like even ranking like the best you know 20 albums you might be able to get some unified you i don't think you would be able to get people on the same page about letters at

all i reckon we'll put it this way what about if you you figured out some algorithm where you ranked the most uh used names and what those names had the first letter of. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Or even words. I reckon it's...

What if an AI can do that for you? Yeah, yeah, maybe. Figure this out. Maybe. Figure this... Finish this dumb riff off for us. Yes. Yes.

So I feel like we're... You know, if like... If you fucking... Like even you, like Tommy. So T... T would be the start of a lot of names. Yeah. I was like, it's a bit, you know, there's so much of it, you don't really think too much about it.

But K is a boutique letter for the start of a name, I think. I kind of think. So you, okay, so you think that because it's less used, that makes it more popular. No, because it's less used, that makes us sort of think, yeah, this is, this means more. Yeah, interesting. This means more. So when I see Caitlin, when I makes us sort of think, yeah, this means more. Yeah, interesting. This means more. So when I see Caitlin, when I see Kyle, I think, yes. See, this is what I mean.

You're one of us. Of course you think that. You're one of us. You're too biased. No, no. We need people voting who, like, I don't know, don't have a name. No, but I'm – yeah, I know. But I'm saying –

You know what counts towards T, though? What? T-shirt. Yeah. The T-shirt. Yeah. But that's not a name. That boosts – No, but that's though? What? T-shirt. Yeah. The T-shirt. Yeah. But that's not a name. Who's called T-shirt?

No, but we're talking about the letter. So the letter's used for maybe the most popular item of clothing that exists. I know. Surely that elevates it. That counts for something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying, but you don't think that when you see, like, Tammy, you don't go, oh, cool, you're in the tea club. You don't think that, do you?

Not really. I mean, I go, oh, that's sort of close to my name. Yeah, well, Tammy, definitely. But what about Todd? Todd. You wouldn't think twice about that, would you? You wouldn't even relate that back to you, would you, Todd? I would in the sense that I'd go, yeah, that's the same letter.

Would you? Yeah. Okay, all right, that's nice. You've got a bit of tea pride. Hang on, so now your theory that you're putting forward is that the only people that ever notice that someone else's name has the same first letter as their name is people with a name that starts with K.

I'm saying it's more prevalent. I'm trying to say it's more prevalent. I don't know how we could even begin to prove or disprove this. I don't know what we would have to set up to get to the bottom of this. I'm starting to think this is not a laboratory, that this is all just hearsay and uh speculative and and possibly um a stupid idea yeah yeah we two friends of mine who i went to japan with a few years ago we have a group chat off the back of that trip where because we were doing karaoke heaps over there

we called our chat the crazy karaoke crew and each letter starts with a k yes and then the other day my friend was at work and she got a notification from the group chat and a colleague looked over her shoulder and went, you've got to change the name of that group chat. I'm prepared to give you

the benefit of the doubt but if anyone else at this company saw that, that would be really bad. She's like, bad news guys, we've got to change the name of this chat.

Yeah, there's a bit of... There is a lot of that in comedy, don't you think? Like, because we're in comedy, we tend to... You know, some people listen to this show and go, oh, they're pushing the envelope here. It's like, wow, come around and listen to us with the mics off. Absolutely.

Yeah, totally. And then when you do that when people are around or, you know, you're in public and you're like, oh, fucking hell, we've that when people are around or, you know, you're in public and you're like, oh, fucking hell, we've got to, how do we, you know. But also, I mean, look, not to say that it's like good, but that's a joke on The Simpsons. You know, Krusty does something. It's the Krusty, like he comes out and he's got three massive Ks behind him. So it's like, you know, it's like funny because it's wrong.

Like the idea that we don't realize that that's what our group chat is called. That's what the joke is. Well, also, we just talked about this on the episode. The text between me and Milan. Yep. And then it being... Turn your notifications off, dude. Yeah, discovered by a muggle, my wife.

Ugh. Ugh. Anyway, thanks, Caitlin. Thanks, Caitlin. Yes, thanks. Thanks, my brother. Thanks, Special K. anyway thanks Caitlin thanks Caitlin yes thanks thanks thanks my brother

thanks special K thanks me and you Caitlin don't you think let me know Caitlin and Kyle if you think that about

if you when you when you did you only get into this podcast because there was someone called Carl and then you're like I love this I love that letter

the club Taylor did you only start listening to this show because of Tommy yeah yeah yeah yeah there was someone called Carl in there and you're like, I love this. I love that letter. The club. Taylor, did you only start listening to this show because of Tommy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you're such a massive fan of the drug ketamine. Yes. And I'm a big fan of Tylenol. Right.

Is that why? All right. Thank you very much. Let's just do one more. Thank you very much to Patreon. Okay. one more. Thank you very much to Patreon subscribers. Oh, okay. What? I have to do it again. A bit annoying.

But anyway, I guess this is the world we live in these days. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber NoNameComedy. Oh. Yeah. Comedy with a K? Okay. Yes. For the sake of comedy?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes and. Yes. Now let's do a silly one yeah the one member of the of the comedy family doesn't want to get named the black sheep of the family yep yeah right everyone else has been uh named over the time this is the what this is like the um who is it the which one which kardashian is the one that wanted to stay out of the spotlight the whole time kylie uh i don't know enough yeah yeah yeah the one that wanted to stay out of the spotlight the whole time? Kylie? I don't know enough about... Yeah.

The one that was always not on Keeping Up With The Kardashians until she decided, why do I not want a billion dollars? Well, there's an Osbourne like that as well. There's an Osbourne that took a backseat on the series. That's right. The two annoying children and then the normal one that just went, no thanks. Yeah, a bit weird, isn't it?

Yeah. A bit weird that the normal one wouldn't want to be in the spotlight. Yeah. I wonder how, I never looked into how normal she is. I just presume she's normal because she's not on it

and those other two are fucking weird. So, anyway. Hey man, the whole family's crazy. That's what makes the show such a good watch. Yeah. Sharon. Yeah. Sharon.

Yeah. Anyway. Well, thanks, everyone. Thanks, No Name. Thanks, Naname Comedy. And thanks, everyone who supports the show. Yes. This Saturday, in at the European Beer Cafe.

No, it's not. Sorry, Morris House. Basement Comedy Club. Muscle Memory. Muscle Memory Basement Comedy Club. Muscle Memory. Muscle Memory, Basement Comedy Club. Yes. Live pod.

Underneath Mr House himself. Yes. First name Morris. 4.30pm. Yes. LittleDumbDumbClub.com Saturday, November 25th. Exclusive live,

live talking dumb-dumb now. Just confirmed. Yep. This Thursday in Sydney, the following week in Melbourne for my special taping and we'll see you there. Yep. See Thursday in Sydney, the following week in Melbourne for my special taping. And we'll see you there. See you, mates.