The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 686 - Nina Oyama & Lehmo

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

This week we're joined by LEHMO and NINA OYAMA! We travel back to 2003 to revisit the creative process for one of Lehmo's early Comedy Festival show posters and we hear about an ill-advised stunt for his early days of breakfast radio in South Australia! Meanwhile, Tommy's brainstorming ideas for a new piece of artwork that can offset the damage done by his cursed print PLUS there's an update on the true crime saga that's been unfolding in the hallway of Karl's apartment building! No need for a do-over on this one! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nina Oyama and Limo. If you are listening to this hot off the presses, my stand-up special taping is tomorrow, Thursday, November the 30th. Get on down. Tickets at tommydasslow.com. This is your last call. It's filling up. I'd love to see some people there. And hey, thank you to people who came out in Melbourne to our live podcast over the weekend. You'll hear that next week. Yeah. You'll hear that next week. Yeah, you'll hear that next week. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum.

But until then, enjoy this new episode with Nina Oyama and Lima. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good to be here. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Nina Oyama and Limo. El Nino and El Limo.

Nino. This is massive El Limo. Nino. This is massive. I assume you got us here to act out our favourite scenes from Utopia. Exactly. Because I've never watched an episode, so I might as well watch one now. Don't brag about it. Jeez. Nice to have you here, Limo. Or as a friend of the show, Luke Heggy, referred to you once to us, Lemo.

Lemo. Nice to have you here. Look, Lemo's you once to us. Lemo. Lemo. Nice to meet you. Lemo. Look, Lemo's better than Lamo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cop that a bit. Lemo. I've had people say to me, even recently, how do you pronounce this?

Is it Lemo or Lamo? And I'm like, yeah. As if it's a Lamo. Lamo. Yeah, that's my stage name. What a great way to roll into a comedy career with the name Lamo. They wouldn't let me call myself fuckhead. And it's the one I get like trolls who think they're really smashing it.

Oh, yeah. We'll get Lamo more like Lamo. Oh, yeah. Like real clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever done a show called Finding Lamo? Yes. Okay.

I remember that. I was like, I've got a great show name for you. And I'm like, oh. I did it. It's my show in 2003 which is the year after the movie came out

so don't worry you only missed by 20 years listen I was like 8 years old and I was a big fan of Lemo's comedy that's what got you

into it yeah I went to see Finding Nemo but I accidentally went to Finding Lemo you're watching this DreamWorks cartoon going, this is a rip-off of Lemo's great show.

This goes from Pixar of parodied Lemo. They've mad-magazined him. Exactly. And I had for the poster. I remember this. I had Emma Hack, who's a great body artist. She did Gautier's film clip. She did all the body art in that.

Wait, it was you painted as a clownfish? I was painted as a clownfish. I remember this. So I waxed slash shaved my whole body. I was wearing white budgie smugglers. So this is 2003. Yes. Did Photoshop come out in 2004?

Yeah, I know. So she body painted me, which was kind of a fun experience. And I had the photos taken. Anyway, the posters. Are you actually underwater in the photos, given how much effort you're necessarily making? No, but in the poster, I'm like a fish in a hand-holding plastic bag with a goldfish floating, and it's me floating in there.

Yeah, yeah. And he's like a clown fish, and you're like a clown human. Oh, yeah. You're putting the pieces together. Did you ever find yourself? He's still looking. Let me ask, and I bet I know the answer to this, in the show that people come to, did you reference the film at all?

Not once. Not once. That's a great trick, isn't it? Oh, yeah, Breaking Bad. It's me outside of the caravan in my underpants. No mention of the show whatsoever. Yeah, no, no, it's just me. It's just my name's Brad and I just, Breaking Bad it's me it's me outside of the caravan in my underpants no mention of the show yeah yeah no no it's just me

it's just my name's Brad and I just Breaking Brad that's all I've got who cares people have paid for the ticket who gives a fuck what happens now

the poster's just there to get them in do you really want to see Limo on stage pretending to be a fish yeah yeah yeah wobbling around yeah I actually

would prefer that to his stand up that does sound good what's the what's the what's the academy award-winning film where there was a woman has an affair with a fish what's the um uh the shape of the shape of water shape of water that's right the shape of limo that's another show coming up so i do finding uh finding limo at the adelaide fringe of melbourne comedy festival but what happened was fucking heaps of kids came to the show.

So I had families sitting every night. And what was your material? Was it family friendly? No. It was just standard gear for me. The kids are like, what's the Harold Holt pool? What's this event? Oh, yeah, I remember because I went to that show

and I learned what a blowjob was. It's the best school excursion we ever went on. Yeah. Now, I vividly remember that poster. That was the first year I was lurking around the comedy festival. Who's this Lemo guy? Or is it Lamo? How do I find him?

I remember vividly thinking, I'm a little too old for this show. A bit beneath me. This must be in the kids' program. What about this? I was doing The Door as I want to do Comedy Explained on Mondays. I was doing that on Monday and people would generally try and come in and they'll be like,

who's on tonight? And it's like, it's sort of a glorified open mic. There's no use me saying who's on because very clearly it's it's sort of a glorified open mic like it there's no use me saying who's on because like very clearly it's people from interstate they've just gone

this is our last resort who's on is it Seinfeld on tonight like who's on it's like if I tell you who's on you're not going to want to come my girlfriend will do that

I'll come home from a gig and she'll be like oh who was on and I'm like no one you know it's like that sounds like that sounds like

I'm making this up like it sounds like I'm fucking doing something dodgy and like the gig is just a front yeah ah no one you know. That sounds like I'm making this up. It sounds like I'm fucking doing something dodgy and the gig is just a front. Ah, no one you know. I sit in this venue that you've never been to. It's a real gig though. It's a dive bar. It's Monday night.

It's $10 to get in. Who's on? Richard Pryor. You got me. Richard Pryor's on tonight. And so you always get people like that. So this woman was really at me the other day. And I'm going, and the thing is as well, it was sold out.

So I'm like, you don't have to worry. It's sold out. And she's like, no, no, but who's on? I'm like, how is this going to impact you? You should have just lied. You should have been like, Carl Barron's on, sweetie. I should have actually. Now, cry, weep into the street.

Yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, well, you know. I go, look, you can't get in. It's sold out. It doesn't matter. I'm like, I'm going to tell you who's on, and you're not going to know the names. It's a. She's like, oh, well, you know, I go, look, you can't get in. It's sold out. It doesn't matter. I'm like, I'm going to tell you who's on and you're not going to know the names. It's a waste of all of our time. And she goes, and she's like, well, I might want to come and like get on standby list.

I might want to come back or whatever. And I go, okay, well, whatever. And she goes, just tell me who's on. I'm like, I'm not telling you who's on there. I'm just not going to do it. You should put, but getting on standby, you should put. You're like the worst promoter ever. I'm not going to promote the show. I'm not going to tell you who's on. Just don't, not going to do it. But getting on standby, you should put... You're like the worst promoter ever. I'm not going to promote the show.

I'm not going to tell you who's on. Just don't even come back. It's sold out. I'm actually the best... Stop showing interest. I'm the opposite of what a promoter's supposed to do. I'm the best promoter to a point and then I'm the worst promoter

because it was sold out. But then I'm like, it's sold out now. Fuck off. Now I can do what I want. Yeah, yeah. But it's also like, then like next week you have another show

which probably hasn't sold out yet so like I could tell tourist I could tell you should put you know you should put Spleen on

you know those like lotteries you can go into to get tickets to Moulin Rouge for the last minute you should put people sign up they're like congratulations

you've won the opportunity to buy a $12 ticket for coming to Spleen yeah yeah well yeah it is a little bit like that so like yeah people do go on standby and whatever Congratulations, you've won the opportunity to buy a $12 ticket for Comedy Explained. Well, yeah, it is a little bit like that. So, like, yeah, people do go on standby and whatever. But the thing that got me, this is what she says.

So she's like, no, just tell me. I just really want to know. And I'm sitting there going, what's the point? She goes, just tell me this. Just tell me this. Is there any, like, really, is there any big names? Is there any, like, big names that I might know? Is there people from TV, people who are really good at comedy,

anyone like, say, even to the limit of Ben Lomas? And I'm like, if that's where you've set your heights, you are going to have a fucking hell of a night. If that's the thing you're praying for, then you're in luck. You're going to actually recognise some people tonight. This is what I've been saying. Lomas is in a lot of ads at the moment.

Like I said, when you watch the footy finals and you get Xavier Michaelides and Ben Russell in the sports bet ads, you get Kappa in his dick pill ads, you get McGinley's in a car ad, you get Lomas in his tourism ad. The footy's like the best comedy show on TV at the moment. The advertising industry is putting more comics on TV than any comedy program.

None of them are doing comedy. None of them are there for comedy. Everyone's there for acting. So do you think that this woman is just a really big fan of advertising? Yeah, she loves Mitsubishi. Her favourite character from Mitsubishi is going to be there. No, that's Danny McGinley. All right, so what's Lomas in one at the moment? She thinks Lomas is going to go up and try and book a hotel on stage. Yeah, she loves Mitsubishi. Her favourite character from Mitsubishi is going to be... No, that's Danny McGinley. Oh, right.

So what's Lomas? She thinks Lomas is going to go up and try and book a hotel on stage. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God, I love that ad. Yeah, she loves Victoria. His favourite character from it is on. He's got his fake wife and his fake kids in front of the hotel. He looks like such a good dad.

I love that. That's a classic ad. I was like, what one is he? That's the dream, isn't it, to be in an ad where you're just like every man bloke essentially yourself but they pair you up with a fake family and then you're you're sitting around the box with your wife and kids just like this is like daddy who's that who are those kids who's that lady then you get home and walk into your real house and you're a bit sad yeah this isn't a hotel no one's making my bed this sucks I really loved him a fake wife

yeah he says a lot of people go up to him and go oh how's your wife going you know that's not how we got cast that's another woman that's just someone else

I didn't have but they're like they know his wife so it's like do they think that he left his wife to hook up with his fucking hotel wife although I would beg the question

do a lot of people go up to him and say you're right it's actually something ben lomas yeah who knows he's like the go-to warm-up guy right he's warming up all around town yes so i feel like this woman has like gone to the x-factor or like masked singer or like oh yeah yeah or like one of the many kind of commercial TV shows that he does warm-up at. Yes. Because he's a crusher.

Yes. I don't know, I love watching him. The best warm-up in the biz. Yeah, he's very good. I feel like that might be the... Equal with Danny McGinley if he's listening. But anyway. Yeah, equal with...

He's doing the warm-up for... I got him to do the warm-up for my special that I'm taping in like a month and then he messaged me and he was like, oh, they've moved the day that this TV show records so I don't know if I can do it at starting at this time. And also the TV show's offering me $50,000. He's like, oh, it's starting at sort of around the same time.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it work but you could always get McGinley and I was like, I'll make the special start a bit earlier. I'll move the time of the taping to be a bit earlier. I want the big man in. It's got to be Lomas. It's got to be Lomas. He's the guy, isn't he?

He's the guy. Nothing against Danny, but it's got to be Lomas. Lomas can do anything. He can warm up a crowd. He can walk into a hotel. Yep. Yeah, exactly. I get the hype.

I'm with this lady. Before you show off, you wanted to sell a car, get McGinley in. Exactly. But you're handling bookings. Yes. Which is what he was doing on the hype. I'm with this lady. Before you show off, you wanted to sell a car, get McGillian. Exactly. But you're handling bookings. Yes. Which is what he was doing on the ad. Yeah, I want people who watch my special to think I'm a hotel. Yes.

That they can stay at. What I want to know, I would love to know, I'd love to see like a, you know, that show You Can't Ask That. I'd love to see a group of people who, sort of what we're talking about, have either been in an ad or a TV show and have hooked up with their fake spouse. I want to see the numbers of how often that happens. They've done a bit of Mr and Mrs Smith. Yeah.

Where you're just like, you know. Oh, that's got to be heaps of people. That happens in movies and TV, heaps. But in ads. In an ad where you're on set for like a day, you're like like you know what everyone on utopia is fucking each other yeah yeah you should see the after party because that does have it happen in acting obviously because it's like um they've they've

already like been intimate and stuff like that on screen and there's some sort of there's got to be some sort of like relationship and whatever But I always think that about pornos because there's couples in pornos where people meet on set and then afterwards they're like, oh, I really like you. Would you go on a date with me? And it's like, oh, we've just done anal, but sure, yeah. I don't know. That's kind of beautiful though because then you know it's not about the sex. It's like a soul connection. Sure, yeah. I don't know. That's kind of beautiful, though, because then you know it's not about the sex.

It's like a soul connection. Sure, I know. But I do find it funny that it's like I was fucking you up the ass, but can we share a milkshake now? It's the memento relationship. You're working backwards. Yeah. Let's get to know each other now.

What are your traumas? Hopefully I get to second base later tonight. I mean, I've already been at 11th base before but hopefully i can get back to first base yeah yeah so mom where did you and dad first meet well we've got a video i've got a friend who i think i've told this before but he back in the day was in an episode of blue healers and he had to film a like a sex scene and someone on the show said to him before you come in make sure you have a wank and he's like a bit of weird information

to get and he's like trust me you don't want to be pretending to bump and grind and then because he was going to have to be like in his undies and it's like you don't want to you know you don't want to get aroused when you're on set pretending to have sex that's a bad look so just you know take care of business before you come in.

Maybe spend the day thinking about how hideous you think your co-star in the scene is. So now they have this like there's people whose job it is to work people through those. The intimacy coach. Intimacy coach. So you don't even really have contact these days. I thought you were about to describe a fluffer.

No, no, the opposite. It's the opposite of a fluffer. So now there's not even any real contact. No, I think that this contact, it's just sort of like the sex is taken out of it. So it's sort of like

fight choreography. Like in sex, you know with fight, how you have to like hit people and touch people and stuff like that. It's sort of like the way that they approach

sex choreography is that like it's very mechanical and sterile and like not sexy in any way isn't this yeah you kissed him then you put your arm over here like next to his ear and then blah blah like it's very uh yeah sterile isn't that funny like what a different era like in the 90s like that that just random person who worked on the production of blue healers who just gave my mate the heads up he was the equivalent of the intimacy coordinator. Just a random guy going up to someone he doesn't know and going,

make sure you have a wank in the morning. Everyone feels comfortable now. Now, do you want a picture of John Wood or Lisa McKean? What do you want? He's like, make sure you have a wank in the morning. The ladies will thank you. Don't come in here with blue heeler balls yeah yeah because it's very like just making sure that everyone feels comfortable with how it's

happening because it's very like intimate that's a wild job like yeah what do you do well i stand around on set and uh i talk people through having fake sex yeah not not on a porno yeah no in a respectable in a a Netflix teen drama Yeah But it's so stressful Like has anyone here Done a sex scene Or a kissing scene

Not even in real life I've done I've done a kissing scene In a short film Years ago It's so stressful right And I said To the

Girl I was doing The kissing scene with Who had She'd done a little bit of acting And I'd done none Yeah And I said Look I don't know What the deal is here What's You know I was doing the kissing scene with, who had, she'd done a little bit of acting and I'd done none. Yeah. And I said,

look, I don't know what the deal is here. What's, you know, and the director was standing there and she said, oh, well, let's just like fully pass on.

And I went, okay, sure. Fuck yeah. So you single, you single at the time? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. You gave the same answer on the day. You single? I think so. Yeah, I think so. You gave the same answer on the day. You single? I think so. For people at home, Lemo just crossed all of his fingers. You're wearing a wedding ring. Oh, that.

Yeah, sorry. No, you're right. I thought you meant the character. Sorry. I'm so deep in. The lines blur. Everyone's like, congratulations, Lemo,

on your fake girlfriend. Also, while you're. After everyone's like, congratulations, Lima, on your fake girlfriend. And you're like, oh, that's not. Also, while you're making out with that woman, again, Lima, we've told you, you're supposed to wank before, not during the kiss. Where are your pants? Oh, I thought. What about you, Nina? You done any on-camera scooching or rooting?

No, I think I've done two on-camera kisses. One was, I just, i get really stressed and then i either recoil or i go in too strong so one of the kisses had to be like with my friend who was a girl it was for a short film and it wasn't meant to be like a proper kiss anyway it's just meant to be like a peck but i just remember getting so stressed beforehand that i just kept going in real fast and like we just bang our hands our heads together and it just didn't work at all and i was so like like i would have benefited from someone being like it's like a fight or whatever like you know it's like you put your hand here you put your head here instead i

was just like ah like is it like you know when they say like i've never acted but like when they say when you walk on film you then suddenly sort of go how do you walk again yeah exactly like what are my arms doing like anytime you're just standing listening to someone in a scene in the very limited amount of acting i've done yeah where you're like are my hands just hanging there what do i do what am i doing with my hands yeah i always do stuff like fucking everything yeah yeah on utopia i always had my ipad or like a thing to hold because I was just so stressed. In real life, I'd just be on my fucking phone.

It's like, what am I doing with my hands? On Deadlock, I always had notepads because my character was always taking notes. And I also didn't know... I'd write my lines on the notepad and look at it so that I wouldn't lose my spot. And it was really good for the character and also for me. But then also, we called it fuckery, I think.

We'd be like, I'd be standing there with nothing in my hands and I'd be like, oh, Jacob, can I get some fuckery? And he'd be like, fuckery's up. And I'd go and get it. Can we get some fuckery for Nino? I'm like, yeah, fuckery. I don't think anyone else calls it that, but we, yeah. Because you fuck around on it.

You had your notepad. We know what Limo heard in his hand, but anyway. I'm still learning the ropes. This is why I know of this is going on. Can we get some wankery for Limo, please? Oh, no, he's sorted it out. It's all good. Getting an assistant to pick it up for you is a bit weird.

But I'd even sit in, like on Utopia, I do a lot of scenes with Rob Sitch. Yeah. And yet, essentially, we're having a conversation which you have with people all the time in your life, ever but whenever you're having a conversation rarely do you think to yourself

where do I look now? Do I keep looking at him? Do I look away a little bit and come back to looking at him? Do I look at the other? I reckon it's the normal person equivalent of this is what I do You come back to looking at him. Don't look at the other. Where? Yeah. You need to get. I reckon it's the normal person equivalent of this is what I do. When you're walking down the footpath and there's no one else on the footpath

and someone's coming towards you. Oh, yeah. And it might be someone you know or it might be someone attractive or whatever it is. All of a sudden it makes you very aware of what you're doing. And then you start going, oh, where do I look normally when I'm walking down the street? Having a dog is great for that because you can just immediately turn your focus to the dog. Oh, I've got to watch what he's doing.

I better make sure he hasn't broken off the leash. I get sometimes like there'll be like a pretty girl or something. I'll be like, oh, you don't want to be the weirdo that looks at her. So all of a sudden it's like I'm treating her like a leper and I'm getting close to going the absolute furthest the way you can get from her on the footpath. I was in a weird connection here in Kuwait City in 2005, right, with Angry Anderson and Becky Cole and a few others

and we were touring to do shows for the troops. And we're walking on this boardwalk thing in Kuwait City and there's three women walking towards us in full burkas, right? And we all just went, oh, fuck. Like, what are we... Because we didn't want to be disrespectful, but we didn't want to make a big deal of it. So we're like, oh, what are we...

And we all got really awkward and just as we were walking past them, all just kind of looked away. And they, like one of the three of them in perfect english goes good morning how are all of you stop talking to us we're freaking out ah women nothing to do with the burgers just clearly fucking hilarious for them but we were like oh you're speaking about hiding your hands because in scenes it being handy, not knowing what to do with them. You just reminded me, when I was a kid and I was first really getting into drawing, I remember my parents bought me a how-to cartoon book.

And it was written by, I forget the guy's name, but the guy who started Ginger Megs, who then handed it over to friend of the show, Jason Chatfield. Banks. Banks. Yeah, was it Banks? I'm pretty sure it was Banks. It was like a how to cartoon book and, you know,

that classic thing where it's like, here's how to draw this character. Draw a circle. Okay, done. Now just add in all the details. Yes. No worries. Easy.

And one of his big bits of advice, I remember this was a big page about like, hey, you know, if you've got stuff that you can't draw very well, don't worry about it because, say, for example, you can't really draw hands, you can just have all your characters holding boxes so you don't so anything if you can't draw a face just have the person always wearing a ski mask and being like and at the time being young and being like oh that's a genius but then you get a bit on you like that is the worst advice don't ever challenge yourself don't learn how to do the

things you can't do no No, I love that. Because then you can start a comic book character called Ski Mask Box Hand. And it's the adventures of Ski Mask Box Hand. Genuinely, what I did for a bit, I would draw these little comic strips where you just couldn't see a fucking thing. It was all just boxes and masks.

But it's like, I'm reading this book on how-to and the how-to is don't. Don't, yeah. It's actually really easy if you don't worry about it. I love ski mask box head, by the way. I want to buy that. That's good. What happens if you can't draw a box, though?

That's actually going to be my new comedy festival poster. I reckon a ski mask is harder to draw than a head. Yeah, yeah. I reckon. Radio equivalent of that, when I first started in radio, God, 20 years ago now, I got some excellent advice. I actually think it was from Marty Sheargold. He said, don't learn how to operate the panel,

because if you do, they'll make you do it. Ah, yeah, okay. So don't ever learn how to panel, so you'll always be on this side of the desk and not on that. That's the Garfield carrying lots of boxes equivalent of radio. It turned out to be fucking excellent advice. Panelling meaning pressing all the buttons and doing actual work rather than just saying, ring in if you have your favourite root vegetable.

That is – correct, correct. I think that's genius. And that's also like when I worked at Cotton On, I was like I never became a manager because I was like, fuck, if I become a manager, I'm going to like – but it's also like a form of, I don't know, weaponised incompetence which is like where guys are like, oh, babe, look, I don't even know how to wash the dishes properly.

Like you just do it so much better. Oh, babe, I like don't how to wash the dishes probably like you just do it so much better oh babe i like don't know how to vacuum properly like you just do it so much better babe i don't know how to mow the lawn probably you just and then it's like the girl ends up doing everything i don't even know where the clitoris is i'm just gonna do a bad job of it anyway like yeah that's like this does feel like you know it's a different sort of panel you know what was cotton on like you working at cotton on's good i fucking love working at cotton on yeah i think it taught me how to like talk to people properly because like your whole entire job was to like trick people into buying stuff because cotton clothes are fucking ugly as hell at the time now they're kind of cute but yeah there was just like you had to trick people

to be like getting charity items and it was really good for like when i started flying like for comedy fest because you just have to cold approach people to be like getting charity items and it was really good for like when i started flying like for comedy fest because you just have to cold approach people and be like how are you going today would you like this top yeah this flyer looks great on you yeah yeah pretty much i'd be like and it's free my first girlfriend worked at cotton on and she'd like she'd always bring the clothes home and i had to like wear them and pretend that i like the clothes would she get freebies would she be bringing freebies home? Yeah, she'd be bringing freebies. You've got like

discounts. Oh, yeah. Or she'd get like, I don't know, runoff stuff or whatever. Yeah. It's like cheap stuff you don't want.

Yeah. Cheap stuff of a cheap brand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still good when it, yeah, everyone loves a bargain. I had a friend of mine worked at Nike for a while. Oh, yeah.

Oh, damn. It used to get nice but it was so great. Yeah. They must have just rooms full of them that they give away. Those jobs where you hear where you're like in your head, you sort of feel like a child because you're like,

you must just get everything for free. And then you go, well, no, it's not going to be that good. But then you find out, oh, yeah, it actually is. Air travel. Valet. Yeah. My wife used to work for airlines and I used to get heavily discounted flights all the time. Fuck, that's so good.

Yeah, it was. It was and now I'm just... And now you get to go to free comedy shows because you're a comedy promoter. Hey, how good is that? You get to see all the great names that people have never heard of at Comedy Explained every Monday. Ben Lomas, Daddy McGinley.

I get to be the lucky boy on this side of the door to see Ben Lomas instead of the people on the other side. Oh, yeah. The velvet rope. Yep, the dream factory. Well, speaking of art and illustrations and stuff, this is something that came up on the show recently. I had a friend go through a very bad breakup.

I'm right here. Her and her partner lived together and she found out he had been cheating on her. With a woman from an ad he was in? Ooh, interesting. With his fake family. With his fake family. Did they meet at a hire? Not even the mother, the daughter.

He was real old. Imagine cheating with someone you're in an ad with and then gaslighting your ex into thinking that they you know it's like hey there's footage right here of me and her together and happy you're the interloper yeah i'm going method oh by the way i wanted to say a joke about the ben lomas thing which is like ben i should have done it at the time but it's going to be a joke about how like ben lomas is tricking comedians into thinking they can afford fancy hotels yeah that's good that's good.

If we're doing riffs that we didn't get to, when Lima was talking about Kuwait, I was going to say, will I understand this story if I haven't seen Ku 1 through 7? How would that have gone? If I'd said that at the time, how would that have gone? If we're doing riffs that we said 10 minutes ago, when Carl was talking about avoiding a pretty girl in the street, I was

gonna be like Carl just say hey next time yeah yeah yeah good good all right cool we're going to talk about this I think you you went with your gut and I

think you should have stayed with your gut with all three calls what do you got while we're diving back well I've got a bit of a I've got a regret yeah yeah right this is an

add-on to finding limo this should be the bonus every week the do-over from the main episode when I first started regret, right? This is an add-on to Finding Nemo. Fucking hell. This should be the bonus every week, the do-over from the main episode. When I first started... Hang on, we're punching up our own pod. Five minutes after we're out. Yeah, go back in and edit this in, Tommy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I first started working in radio... Can I say, hey, dickheads again? I think I said it, were you? You did kind of mumble it a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sort of stumbled over it. G'day, dickheads.

There we go, great. When I first started working in radio, it was 2003, I think I said it were you. You did kind of mumble it a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sort of stumbled over it. G'day, dickheads. There we go. Great. When I first started working in radio, it was 2003, and Finding Nemo came out at the exact same time, right? Yeah. So my boss comes to me and says, hey, and I'm on three-month probation, and I really want the job, right? Yeah. So I'm in a vulnerable position.

And the boss comes to me and says, hey, we've got a great idea. We'll do a promotion called Finding Nemoimo where we dress you up each day. As it turns out, when the details added in, we dress you up as a woman every day and put makeup on you and send you out in the street, the streets of Adelaide, and you walk the streets until someone comes up to you and says, are you Limo?

And the first person to correctly identify you wins like, I don't know, at the time it was probably $100, right? Yeah. And I go, because I feel like I can't negotiate, I go, yeah, sure. So I did this thing for five days where I got dressed up and I had to walk the streets of that way. Sorry, this is like a profound social experiment. This is like Dustin Hoffman getting ready for that moment.

But why? Are we going to get to the answer? Why are you dressed as a woman? Well, this is a good question. Woman, he's there. I do like the cover. To throw people off the scent? Yeah.

Right. Lee Met. Yeah. Lee Ma. Lee Ma. Lee Meta. Yeah. So it was...

But I would have thought the idea would be for you, you know, finding limo, they find you because you're hidden, not because you're now a woman. Yeah. But women are invisible in this society. Right. Especially women that look like limo. I would say limo dressed up as a woman is extremely visible.

I would say the opposite. I would say exactly. That's the tallest woman I've ever seen. I remember going to Adelaide in 2003 and seeing the hottest fucking bitch I've ever seen on the street. And I went up to her and I said, are you Limo? I called it finding boner and I found one. I'm still getting fan mail.

That's great. Have you got any pics of you out there? Did anyone find you? Yeah, of course. Every day someone. They found you but did they know they were finding Lima? But how good was your costume? Was it like a full costume?

Was it just like you in like a blonde wig? Yeah, eight hours in makeup. It was a bit like, yeah, it wasn't Mrs. Doubtfire. Like that Chappelle sketch where he goes undercover as a white guy, just limo for hours in full prosthetics. No, it was literally half an hour. It was literally throw on a dress and a wig and get out there. Fantastic.

So I was... How hard were you hiding? Were you just walking up and down? So I would be walking around somewhere and naturally people kind of... Tap on a little ice line. Not everyone listens to SAFM, for starters, right? So to some people, it's just some dude in a dress, right? My pussy is so itchy.

So I would do a phoner with the morning's DJ and give a clue as to where I am. It's a morning show, so this is like before 9 o'clock so I would leave finish the breakfast show get changed and hit the streets and then I'd phone

into the morning guy and give a clue as to where I am this is great pitching it to you and then being like and may I remind you you're on probation

yeah you don't have to do it you are on probation officially you're the work experience girl I got to the end of work I mean probation. Officially, you're the work experience girl. I got to the end of it. Well, I mean, they probably did need more women in the workplace back then. It was radio.

That's the closest they got to having a woman on breakfast radio. That padding on the back, oh, this is a diverse show. Whenever you said anything rank on the show, you got to say it yourself. Oh, Limo. It's footy show diverse. It's like man, man, man, man dressed as a woman. Yeah. Sam Newman had a crack at me for stealing his material.

Oh, I thought you were saying Sam Newman just had a crack of you. Because you look so goddamn good. Like a little snack. I'll fuck Sam at the end of the week. Well, you had to to keep your job. So people genuinely did. So you've just started doing radio.

Yeah, so it's not like anyone knows who I am. Right, but people still. I'm just a regular looking dude like everyone else. You're just a dude. I'm 2003 Limo. But people would still come up to you. People were still walking up to you and being like, are you Limo? Yes, yes.

Because I was not, I think I'd been on, you know, I'd been on Rove once maybe. It probably works. I was going to say, you'd only been on the rodeo. And I'd been on the Glasshouse once, I'd been on Rove once, and I'd been on the Fat once. That would be everything. Well, it could, I mean, maybe that worked in your favor because it's like, you're not famous enough yet. So people seeing you in the street are like, maybe this is just how Limo dresses all the time. Maybe he's like Eddie Izzard.

Do you reckon like there was a woman that looked sort of like you that people would regularly ask, are you Limo? Who's Limo? There were people coming up to your mum and going, I found Limo. I found Limo. Who's Limo? If I get asked one more time. Mum's bled dry.

Who is Limo? I had to give out $1 thousand dollars today to strangers in the street for something. They wouldn't leave me alone. They said they were from the radio. I think I did have cash on me too

that I would give them. That is so dangerous. You would give them cash on the spot. I think so, yeah. So you're just like walking around in a dress with like $100 bills.

A policeman like grabs you and goes, what's going on? I've got a man dressed as a woman and you've got heaps of cash on you. What have you been doing in Rundle Mall? Nothing, officer. It's like, well, man. Ah, Sam.

Are you going to take me downtown? Yeah. So if you aren't known at this point. Let's do this, Carl. Let's dress as women and hit the streets. And if any listeners come find us, we'll give you 50 bucks. It's going to be a real weird fight between us giving people money and people trying to give us money.

Please, someone recognise me so I can go home. I've been out here for days. So you're not really known at this point. So people on the radio are just like, find Limo. And so the only way they know Limo, because this is sort of pre-internet maybe as well, sort of, is they know your voice. So then they just walk around waiting to hear your voice, but all they're seeing is like a man dressed as a woman.

I'd recognise that Adam's apple anywhere. A man dressed as a woman. We may have said on air that I was dressing as a woman. So that was part of the... So that's not... Well, why say Finding Limo? Why? That's just giving away.

So there was no visual reference for you, really? If we're going to start going through the flaws of radio, we're going to be here for a long time. Yeah, you're right. It could just be, here's some clues about the location that you're going to be in. This is insane. If this is the thing,

it's like Finding Limo. The trick is we're going to be in. This is insane. If this is the thing, it's like finding Limo, the trick is we're going to disguise you, but then we also say, by the way, he's dressed as a woman. That's insane. That's fucking insane. It's also like find a guy that no one knows what he looks like. Yes. We don't know who he is.

We only know his voice. Which begs the question, why did we bother with the makeup? Yes. Why did you bother? Oh, man. The makeup department in the radio, they did we bother with the makeup? Yeah. Why did you bother? Oh, man. The makeup department in the radio, they're generally not doing a lot. Finally, we've got a gig. And they're on a retainer, so finally they're being put to good use.

Oh, my God. My co-hosts on that show were Zoe Sheridan, sister of Hugh. Or maybe it was Hugh dressed up. You don't know. Yeah. But the other one was Richard Marsland, who's one of the great comedy writers, comedy minds that we've ever had in radio.

Well, not based on this story. Yeah, but the poor bastards had to work with this. Has he even been on the screen? This is what he's left to work with. It's like, sorry, Richard. Yeah. This will be over in five days. Oh, man, I'm glad we did that do-over.

I can't believe we almost missed out on the Finding Nemo radio stunt time. Sorry, Richard. This will be over in five days. Oh, man, I'm glad we did that do-over. I can't believe we almost missed out on the Finding Limo radio stunt time. Yeah, so that was my first ever radio stunt slash promotion. I thought you were going to say when the... I'd been doing radio for, I think, three weeks. I thought you were going to say that the story was that the boss wanted you to do this and you, in your head, you're like, I'm already sitting on this for a hell of a comedy festival. So I don't were going to say that the story was that the boss wanted you to do this and you in your head, you're like, I'm already sitting on this for a hell of a comedy festival. So I don't really want to muddy the waters.

I thought the twist was that everybody was going to like go want to see you as a woman at your comedy festival show. Or there was like some SEO. I'm a fucking like, you know, zillennial brained bitch. I was like, oh, the SEO would have totally messed up. So he's painted orange. He's in the clownfish paint with a big dress and a wig over the top. That's fucking great.

And it still didn't make any reference to the movie. No, not at all. Boy, dating's weird, isn't it? But, yeah, so a friend of mine, going through this breakup. Oh, yeah, I forgot we were telling that story. We went a few levels in. And yeah, so he's come around. He's gotten all his stuff out of the house,

cleared everything out of the house. He left behind one item, one thing he left behind in the house, a piece of artwork that I had done, that he'd brought in. Took everything except for Tommy's artwork. The Dassault original. Just an empty room with one piece of art in the middle of it. Yep. And then we talked about this on the episode.

We got onto the riff that maybe that specific print is cursed. Yes. And then we realised that a friend of ours who's recently gone through a breakup has that print proudly displayed in his hallway. I asked people to message in if they've had any relationship drama before them after buying the print because the print sold out immediately. What is the print of? The print is of a little guy and he's got a little stall

and it says, bad advice, $2, and he's sitting there with like a huge wad of cash. It's like Snoopy. It's like Snoopy. Yeah. I like it. Thank you. Yeah. I sold out of them on the night.

Don't buy one for God's sake, by the way. It sounds like it's going to be a real deal breaker. Well, because I was thinking. What if you're someone who hates confrontation, right? But you want to break up with your partner. you can't do it face-to-face, perhaps just going to buy a print would just make it magically happen somehow. These become highly sought after on the black market. Yeah, for anyone that just can't be bothered acting like a bit of an arsehole

and getting them to break up with you in that way, just get the print instead. Get the print to do it. I like how you're like the first way you would break up with someone is just to act like an arsehole so they break up with you. You wouldn't be like having that hard conversation yourself. You wouldn't be like, hey, I'd like to break up. You prefer to just act like an arsehole. That's like the first thing you do.

The second thing is that you'd buy a purse print from the internet. And then the third thing is that you would buy a purse print yes from the internet and then the third thing is that you would actually marry them say what you marry them yeah i didn't even think about a third thing i like the idea because the print was like 40 new sometimes what happens with with video games there'll be like this obscure ass video game from 20 years ago where used copies of it are like a thousand dollars because there just happens to be something in the code of the game that you can use to like hack a system with so they're like that that copy of the game is like really valuable because you can do all this

other shit with it the idea that these prints of mine are now going third hand for like three thousand dollars because they're the magic bullet for getting out of a relationship. It's like the ring on videotape. You get it and go, seven days until I'm dumped. Fuck. Imagine knowing about the curse and then one day your partner brings home the print. You'd be like, honey, we have to talk. How do you not know about this print? See them carrying it in from the car.

You're just quickly holding the door shut so they can't get in with it. It's on a long lens jumping to try and plaster over a picture of the dogs playing poker over the top of it before it hit like yeah even the guy at the framing shop you bring it in and you like unroll it out of the tube and he's like no we can't frame that here he's like just proposed the day before i feel like it's a final scene in a movie and it's a big reveal scene where a guy's pretended to be in love with his partner forever and then she dies or leaves or something and he's all upset

and the final scene is him walking in to this lonely house and then he unwraps the print and puts it up on the wall like it's worked and then you know it's him. Right. Oh yeah, what if you wanted to break up? Like, what if you were in love with someone who's in a relationship? Yeah.

Give the print to them as a present. Oh, yeah. That guy on love, actually. He's not there with the boom box and the cards. He's just holding up my bad advice print. Well, yeah. So, because I was thinking, like, it goes to, like, a wedding. Like, if anyone has a new, if anyone would like to project.

And it's like me. I think she's the hold up the print. Yeah, here's the projector. Just this huge 50-foot picture of your painting on the chapel. Well, so because I was thinking like, well, why hasn't any bad luck befallen me? Because so I did this exhibition 2019. Have you got a hanging?

I sold out of those prints on the night. You've said that about five times and then I well then I got back to how many was that was there like three well I got together

with my girlfriend like right around that time so that's why because I've never had any of I had them all in my possession for like a day right you know what I mean

you haven't had them hanging out I haven't had them hanging out I don't even have any sitting around in the studio so these got out of my life immediately I heard you sold out I sold out of them so do you think all the energy of the cursed paintings is like funneled positive energy into your relationship like do you think

the longevity oh i'm feeding on this you're feeding off of the paintings and like the more people break up from your paintings like the better your relationship i'm like voldemort i'm just being given strength by like 10 people the world. Like 10 people will break up from your paintings. You'll get married. 20 people will break up. You'll have a baby. If there's 50 prints once they all break up,

do you think the curse will turn back around on you? Oh, maybe. So I did get a, I was asking for messages of people who've split up since. Got a couple. Got one lady be like,

hey, I got to tell you, the curse isn't real because I bought one that night because they all sold out. So this person was one don't you mention this that's great um bit humble you know i don't really like to don't need to put that out wait you sold all of them i sold all of them how many were there 50 there's 50 of them out there 50 yeah can i still buy one now uh off you i don't know if I've got any left. Have a look.

Have a think. But this lady was like, hey. Imagine seeing it on Facebook marketplace, like cursed painting that will break up your relationship. And it's like some dumb cartoon. It's like $20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this one lady was like, hey, I got to tell you,

the curse isn't real. I've got one. I've gotten married since then, happily expecting a kid. I will say the print has been in storage since I got it, I got one. I've gotten married since then. Happily expecting a kid. I will say the print has been in storage since I got it though. And I'm like, well, this just adds to it. This just adds to it. It needs to be displayed at home. That's like saying these lions are harmless.

I've had it in a cage the whole time. Yeah. They don't do anything. You didn't let it out. Well, but this is like, so I feel, I mean, I feel bad. This isn't why you create art. You know, this is like so i i feel i mean i feel bad this isn't why you create art you know this is like the nazis taking the buddhist symbol and like flipping it around okay and all of a sudden it's because you do have that on your pictures as well yeah exactly

yeah yeah yeah this is this is like the shit version of like daniel sloss's show that breaks up couples i've broken up 10 000 couples couples because I've changed people's philosophy on how they think about relationships and you're like I made a cursed painting and now three people have made their relationship the absolute ceiling of mine is 50 I mean if I found out that

everyone who bought one has either had it in storage or has had a horrible breakup since. But see, this is the thing. I don't want to create art that has this negative effect on the world. I want a do-over. So we've got a show coming up. I'm going to make a new screen print that I'm going to try and do.

I'm going to get them all saged. I'm going to do whatever I can. Sage? What's that mean? Well, get someone to come in and do like a, you know, you run some like. Like an exorcism. An exorcism. I'm going to try. I'm going to get them officially. Give them a blessing.

Yeah, I'm going to get them officially blessed. Cleanse them. Yeah. Give them a vibe check. I'm going to get them officially blessed so that I can have some sort of guarantee that they will bring you good luck and that you'll prosper in a relationship. So I haven't come up, like I thought maybe I'd spitball some ideas for like what, you

know, should I work this into the design? What about, is it good luck? You know when you go into like Asian restaurants and they got the waving cat? Oh, the cat, yep. The waving cat? Mm-hmm. That's good luck or something. That's money or good luck or something.

It's money, yeah. Is there some way of like- The cat, but it's pulling its own dick? Yeah, no, no. No, it's pulling its partner dick yeah no no it's it's pulling it's pulling its partner's dick so they're very happy together sure sure yeah yeah any other ideas anyone is the cat giving someone a wristy yeah a wristy like forever yes that's good like what other animals can you do you know the bird that like dips its

beak in the thing like that's not good that's a good luck yeah you could have that bird sucking a dick forever that's just a random toy oh yeah someone rooting a furby okay well i don't know tell me you've been paying this bill for an hour now why are you leaning over the counter like that well i mean i should like i don't know i. I mean, it would, because I should probably mention I've got a good track record with these because the other ones I've done have sold out. So it would be nice to have another print. I don't think a Chinese fortune cat pulling someone's dick is going to fly off the shelves I'll have one.

I'll take it. I'm going to draw my own then. Very funny, I mean. I'll be drawing my own and selling it up against Tommy's one then I'll buy 48 right now you've already sold out Tommy yeah okay

this is a good day at the office but yeah I'm going to get working on this I'm going to have them for our show in Melbourne on November the 25th I'll have a little stall there great

hopefully this episode comes out before that maybe I can get the blessing or the saging to happen as part of the show, just so people have the proof that this has happened. Who do you get a bless by? Who's someone that's like, who's the god of relationships, though? You'd have to- Ben Lomas, baby!

Who is the god of relationships? I don't know. In Australia. Is there, like, Dr. Feelgood? Yeah. Maybe Danny McGinley. He's always- Oh, you get to get Chantel Odden.

Oh, Chantel Odden. Dylan Alcott's partner. The sexologist. Sexologist. Yeah. No, but that's a sexologist. I read in the Daily Mail that I'd broken up the other day. So that's not good.

Oh, it was in the Daily Mail? Yeah. That's my Bible. That's definitely true. That's, yeah. Absolutely. What are you doing reading the Daily Mail? I work for the project. Checking for his own cell phone. You have to find stories. That's, yeah. Absolutely. What are you doing reading the Daily Mail?

Checking for yourself. You have to find stories. You've got to read something while you've got the curlers in at the salon. It's actually the first site I read in the morning. The sports one. What is it, the first thing you see in the morning, the last thing you see at night? The Daily Mail website.

Maybe that could be the print, a page of the Daily Mail, and it's like a spicy story about someone finding true love. Yeah, yeah. Chantel Otten, that's not bad, but yeah. No, that's sex, it's not relationships. Who would be? Who's been together the longest in comedy? Oh, that's a great question.

What about like Hamish Blake and Zoe? I don't know. I always say that they're like a powerhouse couple. Yeah, they are a powerhouse couple Pete Hellier and Bridge have been together for a long time I could get Hellier to bless it

or it could be of Hellier yeah that's weird alright we'll work that out we'll work it out I reckon somebody in comedy

would be a good one to come and bless it and then also should it be of something in particular relating to what I'm hoping... Because the original one that I've sold out of, I'm just going on memory. I don't have any to physically look at.

Well, I can't see any around here. I think they might be gone. You know, it's just a random... It's not like it's in any way about relationships or anything like that. It just happens to be cursed. Well, it says bad advice. It does say bad advice. So maybe it's got to be good advice. It's got to be uplifting Well, it says bad advice. It does say bad advice. So maybe it's got to be good advice.

It's got to be uplifting. Something to do with good advice. Yeah. All right. I don't know. I still like the cat jerking off someone. I absolutely think that's way better. The fortune cat's pretty good.

Yeah. Although I think actually, I think putting that up in your house is not going to bring heaps of good luck. That's the thing, yeah. I feel like your relationship will stay together because nobody that comes to that house is going to flirt with either of you. Right, right, right.

Yeah, you're going to be like, you have this in your house? You won't be tempted. You instant ick. Partners stay together forever. If you try and cheat, the person you bring into the house is going to see that and be like, I am out of here. What is this? Shitty painting.

Yeah. You're not going to be cheating because you're going to be sitting there looking at that picture and jerking off yourself. Wait, wait. Come back. If it helps, in some of the ink, there's a bit of Dylan Alcott's cum. Does that help? It's good luck.

It's a lucky print. Well, can I do an update? I don't know how much time we've got left. Can I do an update? A bit of time? All right, great. I'll do an update on something I was talking about a few weeks ago, which is this. So, in the apartment building I live in

there was a development there was a weird thing that happened next door to our place on the front door there was for a couple of weeks a couple of

different times there was like shit smeared all over the door wait what actual shit well I didn't get close enough to it

because I was like I think I'm pretty sure that shit so I didn't want to as my could it have been chocolate ice cream? It could not have. Could it have been dog shit?

I'm thinking that because... Now this is giving me an idea for a new... Giving you an idea for a medium. I think dog shit, right? Because it's wiped all over the world because he's all over the door. This is why. You had a little, you could taste schmackos in there.

That did not taste like cat shit. So. Is that Cheech and Chong? Looks like dog shit. Tastes like dog shit. Feels like dog shit. Lucky we didn't step in it. Yeah.

So we walked past a couple of times and we were like, what is going on there? Now, the issue was that we're thinking through whatever they got us a little sausage dog in that place now when you walk

past that door the sausage dog was the shit like really long was it like really long little links at the end

miss 100% of the shots you don't take should have saved that one for the do over in 15 minutes yeah yeah yeah so you walk past it the little dog will go as you walk past Should have saved that one for the do-over in 15 minutes time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you walk past it.

The little dog will go as you walk past, but then that's it. Sure. So then we're going, right, I reckon someone has done that in revenge. They're hating the dog in there, and so that's why they're doing it. Now then we start going, fuck, we're the number one suspects because we're next door. And do you have a dog? We don't have a dog.

We have a cat. So, we're... Is the poo smeared on the inside of the door or the out? I don't live next door, so I don't know. It's on the outside of the door. Oh, right. It's on the outside of the door. Yeah.

So, it's on the... Anyone from the general... I haven't been in that house. Anyone from the general public... I haven't been inside their house. But anyone from the general... Oh, right. Sorry.

This is an individual house. This is an apartment building. Apartment building. This is the door to the apartment next to cars. Yeah. Yes. You've been in my apartment building. I've been to your apartment building.

You've been in an apartment building. Yes. It's on the inside. It's on the... Oh, right. Sorry, I was imagining this on the door you walk through to go into your entire apartment building. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. It's on the specific one person's specific door. I was imagining it on a freestanding house. So this has cleared up a lot of... Okay, right, right. I've gotten this so wrong. Sorry. No, I should have described it better.

Sorry. No, no. But I have it now. Thanks to Limo asking because I was like, I get it. And I have it now too. Well, I feel like a genius. I can picture it perfectly. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Yeah, I get it. And I have it now too. Well, I feel like a genius. I can picture it perfectly. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

So you have to be inside the building. So it eliminates the suspects. Okay, yeah. It's only people in there. Damn, okay, Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, only someone who has a phobia could have done this. Yes, exactly. You're playing like Guess Who but for shit stains.

Yeah. Do they have brown hands? Yes. So anyway, I'm second guessing this the whole time because I'm like, I'm just seeing it. I'm putting the pieces together. We hadn't seen our neighbours forever. And in fact, I hadn't seen, it's a couple, and I'd seen the female,

but I hadn't seen the male for a long time so i was like oh there might have even been a breakup oh okay males come back and done all that see this is in an apartment building in my experience no one talks to each other yeah but you know that everyone in the building would have seen that and it's so depressing because you just know that everyone is in their individual apartments right now yes talking about the shit door yes and it's like hey why don't we all just get together on the rooftop yes and have a big old chin wag about this absolutely all of that now uh i hadn't seen uh anyone to talk to and ask or anything like that and so we're just making up that whole scenario and we're like oh fuck we've got to we've got to find out and also like i said

last time there's a security camera inside that for you so i I'm like, right. Okay, so there's a camera. Yes, there's a camera. This feels like a very solvable crime. Yeah, this is like went from being a total mystery to being like, very, yeah, easy solution. That's what I'm thinking. But this had happened for quite a while. And I'm like, I'm racking my brains going,

how come the mystery hasn't been solved? What's going on? Also, like, how come Strata didn't come and clean it up? I don't know. Because it was there for quite a long time as well. Like a week? Different times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So was it more than one application? Yes. Oh, so on multiple occasions someone has smeared shit on this door. Did it smell bad? Again, I didn't get too close. Did it smell like shit? Yeah. You know how you can smell shit from quite a long way away?

It's got a real odour about it. It wasn't fresh by the time we were there. Carl, this is not the first time I feel like I've... No, I'm not pinning it on you, but do you remember that time at Spleen where at the back there was someone did a giant shit and it looked like a melted ice cream cone? Yes.

There was an entire episode on this show about it. Oh, really? Carl accidentally referred to it as brown ice cream. And we had about 40 minutes where we were laughing at, oh, yeah, the classic flavor of brown. It was crazy. And someone tried to clean it up with an envelope. Like they'd gotten like a piece of paper.

It was a real genuine, like if we could somehow translate to the internet, that was such a mystery because it was just slightly melting, but not melting enough to go, that's definitely ice cream. But then you go, when does shit melt? Shit doesn't melt. It wasn't cold enough, but then it also didn't smell. That was a weird thing. And that's what I feel like is the common denominator with this shit.

Netflix, 10 episodes. Oh God, they love to puff these things out. Last stop, Fitzroy. Let's start our own true fecal podcast. Yeah. So we're walking back and forth. We're going, right, we don't know what's happened. So that's what we're caught up to.

Now, here's the fresh bit of evidence or whatever. So I'd never run into the neighbours again. Then my wife kept seeing them. And I'd say, did you ask them about it? And she's like, I'm not going to ask them about it. I'm like, I'm going to ask them about it I'm like she's like I'm not going to ask them about it I'm like I'm going to ask him about it if I see them

I'm definitely going to ask I have to I have to find out so then this is beautiful they're never going to be bothered because who's going to knock on the door yeah

yes it's a good way to never get bothered again yeah I just I just thought of a good name for the podcast about this Making of a Turdurer oh yeah

that's good yeah that's good yeah she's back that's good that's good gear I redeemed myself for the podcast about this, Making of a Turterer. Oh, yeah. She's back. She's back. I redeemed myself. You don't need to do over that one at all. So then, my wife comes into the lounge room the other day and goes,

hey, the next door neighbour is in her garden right now. So then I'm like, okay, then I have to go out and just like, for the first time i have to go out and just like climb the fence for the first time pretend to water the garden and be like oh i'm just out here doing that and then i turn around you're out there wilson style yeah hoping that she needs some life advice about the kids you're like rear windowing this lady yeah yeah i am i am like actually just like rear end we're windowing

like some sort of weird TV sitcom neighbor, got the hose in hand and turned around and go, oh, I didn't see you there. Oh, I'm just having a chat to the scarecrow. I didn't notice you. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, so how's it all going, speaking to this woman for the first time ever?

Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty good. And I was like, so what's up with all that shit on your door? When you said that. Yep. Straight in there. Did you? Yeah.

That surprises me because I didn't pick you for a man of hard conversation because of the thing you said about breakups before. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm like, well, how do you segue to it? And I want to get to it. I'm like, I've talked about this on the show. I love this. I need to feed this furnace.

Yep. I'm like, so what's the go with talked about this on the show i love this i need to feed this furnace yep like so what what's the go with all that shit on the on the door and she's like oh yeah and i'm like and she starts sort of like really cagely talking about it and i'm immediately i'm like i know why because i'm the number one suspect i'm the person that's next door i'm the person who who would hear the dog barking from the outside or the inside. So you're really clearing your name. Yes.

And I'm sitting there thinking, what would someone say? Yeah, but also like, what is it? Those who smelt it dealt it? Yeah. Like if you're like, who farted? It's like, you're like, who did the shit? It's like, this guy. When a woman dies or goes missing,

like the first suspect is the husband or the partner. When something happens to someone's door, it's always the neighbour. Absolutely. You know what they say. 99% of cases. When someone shits on the door, it's always the neighbour. And I'm sure statistically,

any sort of neighbourhood grievance or whatever, it would definitely 95% be the person who lives next door. The old grizzled cop at the station. Nine times out of ten, it's always the neighbour. Yeah, yeah. I've got another. So making a... Making of a turnaround.

Making of a turnaround. What about a poo-dun-it? Oh, yeah. Nice. Nice. Yes. And also... Fuck, now I better come up with that.

I'm also the number one suspect because it's like, well, who would be the person who kicks off? Not only the neighbour, but the person who's been fucked in the head over the years by the... We used to have the upstairs neighbours. They used to have a dog. And the dog used to piss on the balcony, as well detailed on this show. Piss on the balcony. It would flood their balcony.

And the piss would flood down onto our balcony and go all over our washing, all over our washing line, all over our laundry. How much is this dog pissing? It so much it was a huge dog it was a fucking big dog in a little balcony so this is so it's like well clearly like i've got the motivation i've been broken by next door neighbors dogs all of a sudden i didn't i didn't do anything to that dog upstairs but this this little dog all of a sudden goes yep yep yep for two seconds and I go fuck and just wipe shit all over their door but is that like is it common knowledge you hated that upstairs dog

like in the building is that like part of the lore of the building like that's Carl he hates the dog upstairs because the dog upstairs used to piss I would say

and that's the lore the lore I was well I complained enough but then on top of it there was like piss stains all over our walls for like ever

so like you could put the pieces together maybe i don't know i don't know so i'm like in this conversation going right how do i come off as the person who's not guilty and i'm like oh but surely you would have like you know found it by now because you've got that camera out the front there's that camera and then she goes yeah that camera doesn't face our door, does it? It faces the other way. It faces the front of the apartment.

It doesn't face our door, does it? And I'm like, yeah, I'm so coming off as the guilty person in the Columbo episode. It's like just covering it. Just like, yeah, revisiting the scene of the crime to make sure that I haven't left anything there. And it's weird because there were no fingerprints on the door because whoever did this wore gloves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I'm like, okay.

And she's like saying, and I was like, and I'm trying to be so clear. I'm going, look, I know I didn't do it. It wasn't us. Like the barking or whatever. And she's like going, yeah, whoever it is must be annoyed by the barking. I'm like, it's not me. It's not us. Like the barking or whatever. And she's like going, yeah, whoever it is must be annoyed by the barking. I'm like, it's not me. It's not us. I love barking.

We never hear any barking. I find it soothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in a prisoner of war camp once. You know, it makes me feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah. So you're coming in with a strong denial here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah, we never hear anything. Just so you know, it's not us. Because on top of everything else, I reckon there's only a real small handful of suspects. Because here's the thing, on our floor, the only people that are walking past that are anywhere near that door, there's only four apartments on that floor. And it's us, it's them, and there's two other... And it's Barry Shithead.

There's apartment four. I wonder who it could be. And our neighbour, Mr Diarrhea. I wonder who it could be. And our neighbour, Mr Diarrhea. I wonder who it could be. Out of the four. Just a kindly old man who works at the sewage farm next door. I don't know who it could be. Who brings a lot of his work home with him.

So then there's a... He drives a truck called the Fart Prograde. I don't know. There's an apartment next door to us where we never have seen the people that live there. And then there's another apartment where someone died about six months ago. Right.

And I reckon that person didn't have many relations or anything like that and so wasn't found for quite a while. So they've been going through a very heavy fumigation of that apartment building for quite a while. This building, this is like the building that he runs into in Toontown in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. There's lots going on here. So the people doing the fumigation, there's been people coming in to the fumigation. Is there toilet paper in that apartment?

No, yes. They should have been fumigating the fucking door. The fumigators have been pooing, wiping their ass with their hands. No, I don't think so. So then... But, okay, so what are you saying, like the ghost of the dead guy? I'm not. Oh, okay.

Well, you know, as Sherlock Holmes said... Let's bring the supernatural into it. As Sherlock Holmes said, once you rule out the possible, there is only the impossible left. So maybe, but... Let's get Chantelle Otten to come and do an exorcism at this building after she's done blessing my artworks. Sexy exorcism.

Exorcism. That's good. So the only people we know on that side upstairs, now that the dog piss people have gone, the only people... Because we that side upstairs, now that the dog piss people have gone, the only people... Because we're sitting in the apartment. Me and my wife are sitting in the apartment going, well, who else could it be? And we're like, the only other person we know in the building is someone upstairs who is a very heavy cat lady.

She's a cat lady. She's got like 10 cats whoa the natural enemy of the dog yeah and is the cat lady

yes 10 cats they're gonna churn out a lot of shit yeah what do you do with that shit and you just got it all there in the little tray

yeah you got it there collected ready for you so then we'll and also she has interesting she has not only is she a cat lady

with 10 cats she inexplicably she has a normal with 10 cats, she inexplicably, she has a normal car downstairs, but then she inexplicably has like one of those big weird vans, like massive weird vans. And I don't know why she has a massive weird van. To carry her cats all around in. But it's like a van that you, if you were. It's like a van you would have if you were collecting poo.

If you were making a show about. If you were stockpiling cat shit. If you were making a show about... If you were stockpiling cat shit. If you were making a show about someone dodgy that had a dodgy van that was driving around saying, hey, free ice cream to all the kids if you want to hop in this van. It would be this van. It would be one of these vans. And it sits at the front of our house

and it has lights in it at night and you always walk past it and go, is there someone in that fucking van? It's midnight. And there's blipping lights in there. What and like you always walk past it and go is there someone in that fucking van it's midnight and there's blipping lights in there what the fuck is going on i feel like what's that thing that i was watching where like people hide in vans and then they like wiretap like the police yeah and they usually hide in like a flower truck yeah i'd love to know how the people in this building talk about you he's always dressed in liverpool gear he runs comedy shows something's going on there i swear to god i'm the the people in this building talk about you. He's always dressed in Liverpool gear. He runs comedy shows.

Something's going on there, I swear to God. I'm the most normal in this building. But also, like, there's no need to wiretap you, Carl. You have a fucking podcast. Yeah, that's true. You're giving everything away. That's true. For free.

They're in the van with all the equipment, but they're just listening to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're, like, listening to the Dum Dum Club, and they're like, we already know. No, it should be me in that van wiretapping all the

other apartments so I've got content for this fucking thing Chief we've managed to wiretap the pocket car staff we can hear everything that this guy's up to

yeah yeah yeah no they're they're like wiretapping the Patreon you guys are like oh I'm a new subscriber and they're like

this is all criminal evidence FBI comedy they're wiretapping that apartment so if the dog barks in any way they come out of the van with all shit and go, all right, we'll do it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she owns that van.

And we don't know what the fuck is going on with that van. But then we're like, oh, maybe that's the most obvious suspect. That's the most obvious suspect. And then we go, oh, the woman that has the key to our house that comes and looks after our cat when we go away. Oh, the woman that has the key to our house that comes and looks after our cat when we go away. And she's using crunchy shit to try and frame you. So that if they do a DNA test, this truly is, this is making a murderer. You go away, you're like, I swear to God.

If they dust for cat shit prints, it's going to be us. Yes. And she flipped the video camera around while you were away. Yes. That's what you've got to do. You've got to get your own camera. You've got to go to Officeworks, get your own monitor. That's why I asked as well because she has now got a new camera installed on her front door.

Yeah, okay. There's a new camera on the front door. Shit door lady. Shit door lady. Not the cat lady. Not the cat lady. No, no. Wouldn't it be great if all of a sudden you just go in there and there's like eight different cameras in the hallway because just everyone wants to know what's going on yeah no one wants to talk to each other they all want to

be the one to solve it themselves so she's got the camera on the and so she's like yeah yeah so we've got her own camera now because that other camera doesn't work so So now we've got that. So then we're going to find out who's wiping shit on our door. I'm like, oh my God, keep in touch. But then I go, so is it working? Has there been shit on the door since then? She goes, no. But so then we're like, okay, well, she's got it under control. Is the camera obvious?

Very obvious. Well, yeah, she's probably not going to be stupid enough to do it again. So. Oh, wait. So because of that, that's obviously scared the actual shit on the door away. The poo wiper. Yes, the poo wiper away. So then the poo wiper has evolved.

The shit and runner. Yeah. Shit and runner, that's good. So then the shit and runner has evolved. Now, after we talk to this lady, we go out and go and she's got, yeah, it's got rid of the shit and runner. My wife goes out the front and goes, oh, my God, do you know what's happened next?

Uh-oh. No. Is it on your door? No. It's on the car. She knows their car. She knows their car and they park on the street. She's gone out and walked past the car.

There's like a bunch of notes on the windscreen. And I'm like, what do the notes say? She's like, I'm not going to look. You go look. I'm like, no, I'm scared. What if there's a camera on the car? So this person's now evolved. So shit door lady now has a bunch of notes on her car.

Yeah. She's being targeted. Yes. Wow. Oh, je's being targeted. Yes. Wow. Oh, sheesh, there's something. So we are living with a fucking insane person in our building. And I'm now like going, fuck, how loud is our cat meowing? We've got to keep everything down in our house.

Well, that's the thing. I mean, maybe it's not even about the dog at all. It could be you're living with a sane person and the neighbor has actually done something really, really, really horrific out in the world. This is like I Know What You Did Last Summer where this person is like... So you don't think it's a sausage dog at all.

It's something else. Justice is coming for you. You know what I mean? Maybe that's just a... I heard that about... Because you've spoken about this before, right? Yes. This is the same neighbour that about three years ago

bought a print that said bad ideas to God. Is that the one? Yeah. It was a picture. No, it was actually one of those cats, those Asian cats. But it was Chucking Poo with his hand. No, that's silly. That couldn't be the case because there's actually heaps of them left.

Oh, no way. They're all gone. So, yeah, it could have been. So, yeah, it could have been. Yeah, yeah, it could have been someone in Carl's building. I love that this is now a crime podcast. Yeah. Pooh crime podcast. You went in there and there's 49 prints all stuck on the wall.

Yeah. Oh, no, that's what the notes were folded up on the windshield. Oh, prints. All just the prints. All just the prints. Folded up really tiny. Yeah, what's worse than smothering a door in poo? Yeah.

Oh, I know. Giving someone 50 of Tommy Dasolo's prints. Dasolo original. If I go home right now and I kick their door in fireman style and go, I'm saving your life. I'm saving you. And I walk in there and there's 48 framed prints of your bad advice thing in their house. And I just scoop them all up and and chucked them over the balcony.

You set fire to them. And the shit on the door just kind of like disappears. All the notes are like disappears. All the notes just fly into the sky. It's like Pleasantville when everything comes in colour. Like, beautiful. Wow. Damn.

Yeah, we got to have a look at the note i know i feel like you should just ask this woman if she's okay because that's gotta suck i know it's real bad i got because i've told you this i've in my car has been keyed multiple times in this street oh yes and apparently there's someone yeah my girlfriend found on a neighborhood watch group someone saying there's like a house like a block away that if you park in front of it, the person is like mental about that being their space. And every now and then I'll see a car in that spot that's been keyed. But before we worked that out. Have you been keyed in that same spot?

I've been keyed in it, yeah, because a couple of times I've come home and there's no spots out here. Have you been keyed in different spots? No. Only that spot? Only ever in that block. Which is like a pretty dumb crime because if you park in that spot, then you go, now who lives in that spot? It's really hard to do the maths on that.

But before we found out that piece of information, my girlfriend was like, this has happened a couple of times now. It's like someone must hate you and be trying to get back at you. It's like, oh yeah, thanks for bringing that up. Because like, of course, that's where my head's gone. But like, I don't need to hear someone else say, I don't need to think I've got an enemy out there. Who's like,

cause then you do start to go like, fuck, what have I done? Yeah. What's someone doing this to me for? Yeah. It's scary. You'll have a shit covered door before you know it.

Yeah. Much. I'd mean shit. I can just take that to the car wash. Yeah. You know, getting the, it's,

it's all around my car. Like it's fucked my car up. Oh, that's yeah i'd i'd love some shit on the door guys if you're ever angry at someone and you want to get back at them and i know you're thinking key their car but really that's like just think about like how traumatic that is for them just a bit of shit on the door if you really want to get them key their car fill the gaps in with shit yeah exactly yeah yeah. Because at least then there's one thing that can wash off that they can feel productive for that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, a lot to follow up on this episode. We'd better leave it there. Thank you, Limo and Nina. Thank you. It's a tongue twister. Limo and Nina.

Limo and Nina. Nina and Limo. I'll come dressed in disguise next time. Yeah. So you don't have to find me. Yes, I love that. Yeah, please. I love that.

Would you have any pics of you doing that stunt? Possibly. If you can find any. I'll come dressed as Limo. Yeah. There we go. Finding Nina. We're going to send you out.

We're going to put some stubble on you. Fuck, that's great. Finding Nina and you're dressed as Limo. That's insane. We're sending her out into the streets, so if you see her, she'll give you a hundred bucks. If you find me, I'll do a shit on your door. The ultimate prize.

This is quite the radio promotion. Limo, anything to plug? You're going to have a special coming out at some point. Yeah, I will. That's in the editing phase at the moment, but I'm not sure when or where that's going to be. But Triple M Breakfast at the moment. Oh, yeah, great. I'm there for a couple more that's going to be. But Triple M Breakfast at the moment.

Oh, yeah, great. I'm there for a couple more weeks. So tune in to that. In Melbourne, ladies. In Melbourne. Afternoons, actually, around the country. Oh, nice. Through 3pm.

Great. And that's it, really. Yeah. The occasional comedy stage. You're back doing radio and you're a bona fide star now. You don't have to say yes to any fucking harebrabrush stunts that they try and get you to do. I'm not dressing up for Finding Labor. The ultimate stunt.

Nina, you're doing a new show at the festival next year. I am. It's called Nina Oyama is Coming. Like C-O-M-I-N-G. Yeah, that's clever stuff. The picture is of me sitting on a washing machine and turning the dial right up. Oh, great. Fuck yeah. It's clever stuff. The picture is of me sitting on a washing machine and turning the dial right up. Oh, great.

Fuck yeah. It's pretty good. Yeah, so if you see that, please book. It's on sale, I think, in a couple of weeks. You'll be telling this story in like 20 years' time, being like, yeah, this is my show. It wasn't really based on a movie or anything. People used to get themselves off using washing machines back in the day.

Well, I had to explain it to the photographer i was like you know because washing machines and she's like haha yeah and i was like no because like have you seen mad men the you know with betty draper is like sitting on the mat on the washing machine she was like yeah but like i don't really remember that bit and i was like it's like a vibrator it's like it's like a sex thing and then she was like oh and i was like i wish I didn't tell her that. Because now she has to photograph it. Because your last show was Nina Oyama is doing me right now. Yeah, yeah. And then.

I'm like Will Anderson, except instead of name puns, I just talk about masturbating. Yeah. Yeah. In five years time, you'll have Nina Oyama up the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe I'll just, you know, give up on the innuendo and just be like, Nina Oyama is jerking off.

Yeah. Fucking and sucking. I like how you'd explain that. Just so you be like, Nina Oyama is jerking off and fucking and sucking. I like how you'd explain that just so you're like, I've got this genius idea. I'm sitting on a washing machine. It's going to sell so many tickets and it's so funny because it's not a chair. Good one.

I better go and see this show. Sounds funny to me. I'm picturing it. I'm having a good time. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. All right, let's do that one over.

And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie. Ouch. You kicked me. You kicked me a big one this week. Really? For some reason. I don't know why.

I can't remember what we talked about. Yeah, we talked about what? Your haunted picture. My haunted picture. The portrait of relationship Dor what uh the your haunted picture the portrait of relationship dorian gray yep but the opposite of that maybe which uh irl we have followed up on yes uh i talked in this episode about how we would do something with it at the live episode the live episode has happened yes we got we we banked too many episodes uh up and then couldn't get them out in time for anyone to actually react to this episode. Yes.

Which is fine. Which is, hey, great problem to have. Yes. So if you're at the live show, you'll know what we're talking about. But if you weren't, you'll hear all about it next week live from Melbourne. It's a cracker episode. Yeah. Very fun.

What else is going on? I was at Basement Comedy Club. Speaking of, that's where we did the show i was at basement comedy club last night and um you know it's a bit of a one-man operation in there tommy because i don't pull the pints but i'm not far off yep and uh two things last night um first of all someone dropped an entire pint on the floor, and it's like a hardwood tiled floor. Yep. Hardwood part tiled.

And someone came over to, they said, oh, can you, you know, someone needs to clean it up. So someone came over. I've never seen this before. Someone tried to sweep it up into a, like a dustpan. Into like a dustpan? Yeah. Someone tried to sweep up an entire pint, and I was just watching it. Just looking at the other comics going, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Because that makes me think then they're going to deposit that into a glass and just resell it. Fucking hell. I guess you could do the same with a mop. You could just squeeze that into a... Yes, yes. Do they not have a mop? Yes, they would have to have a mop in a venue, yes. But just watching it and even just watching the people who...

Even the person who dropped the pint, they were like, yeah, I'm a fucking idiot for doing this, but I'm still smarter than whatever's going on here. It's the worst when you're in a bar or in a shop and you spill something or knock something over and someone else has to come and clean up after you and you're just standing there doing nothing because you don't have the tools

and you really do feel like, I can do it. Just give me, I'm happy to do it. Just give me the mop and they're like, no, you've done enough. Get the fuck out of the way.

Like you just never feel more useless than having to have someone around you. No, totally. Do shit for you. Totally. Yeah. And then on top of that last night, there was,

you know, so in the end, I went and got a big, found a big bucket of chucks where I'm like, you know, just had to grab all these chucks and go and just mop it up. And, you know, people are like, oh, I think someone cleaned that up already. And I'm like, can you see the pools of beer still on the floor? Yeah. And it's like, it's in the walkway where comics and also people have just got to walk through it. And I'm like, if someone breaks in neck, I bet this is my fault. I better just fucking do it myself.

So you're there with the poor man's mop. Yes. The bag of chucks. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just scrubbing away and having people aware of the show or just comics taking pictures of me down on my fucking knees, scrubbing the fucking floor. Scrubbing away, waiting for the big ball.

Yep. Grubbing away, waiting for the big ball. Yep. So then on top of that, then right at the start of the show, like fucking someone's like heckling, but, you know, the worst sort of heckling, just yelling something out that doesn't make any sense. And then the MC or whoever, the comic going, what's that? And then them not answering.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not answering and not following up or whatever. And so doing that all night. And it's in the hands of like comedians who can deal with it so i'm just i'm like you know i'm just gonna allow this i'm gonna allow this because they're having fun with it and they're whatever even though this person's clearly a fucking complete fuckhead yeah and also you're busy with your main job in there of scrubbing the toilet absolutely yeah i'm i'm i'm pouring pints for people out of a mop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So then it gets into the second half, and I figure, you know, this person's been smashed enough, whatever. And then they just start immediately again, and I go, oh, I'm going to have to fucking deal with this. And I go over, and it's on the far side of the room, so I can't actually see the person, and it's in the dark. So I walk over, and there's a bunch of people.

And, you know, it's like a rogues gallery. You're like, who looks like the person who's fucking yelling out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a person sitting there by himself that looks like, you've just walked out of jail today. So you're a strong contender. Then there's like three guys in a row. And it's like, ah, okay. Well, you guys, you know, have got a bit of Dutch courage.

You're within your mates. Yeah, showing off to each other. Yeah. guys you've got a bit of dutch courage you're in you're within your mind yeah showing off to each other yeah then there's a guy that's like just with his partner the female partner and i'm like and then i remember on the way in he's doing a bit of you know because as you're stamping people's wrists or whatever on the way into a comedy club you often get a bit of like oh yeah just um yeah just give me 20 bucks change and it's like like, oh, you just gave me $20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can get up there if you need. I'm pretty funny.

So then I'm thinking, oh, that's right. You gave me a bit of that sort of stuff. So you're a contender. So I say to that guy, he's closest to me. I'm like, mate, are you the one yelling out? He's like, what? So you're just going door to door having to ask people. Yes.

Pardon me. Yes. Are you the heckler? Are you the cunt or not? Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah. So I'm like, are you the guy?

And he's like, what? And I go, are you the guy yelling out? And he's like, nah, nah. And I go, oh, sorry. Who is the guy? And he goes, don't know. No idea. Yeah, man.

And I go, hang on. You've got no idea. This is only a bank of about like where you're sitting there's a total of like 12 people you would not yeah it's coming seen the guy you would have heard the noise and looked over and seen the person speaking it would be reverberating through your bones you're that close to whoever's yelling out yeah yeah so i'm like okay well you remain contended now this is like this is sort of like Silence of the Lambs. It's like these crimes are being committed. We have to go and interview this convicted killer to see what he...

Because he's in the mind of... Yes. He's in the mind of the killer. Right, right. Like he might know. But then in those movies, they're always like, I ain't giving up a fellow practitioner of the craft. Yeah, yeah.

So also... It probably was just like all of them and they're like, we ride together, we die together. Murder on the Orient Express. Yeah, exactly. So then he's sitting like one chair away from this guy who looks like he's honestly on day release from Pentridge or whatever. He looks so fucked. In fact, there's three suspects.

I'm not even asking this bloke because he's like going to just rip my head off if I ask. suspects i'm not even asking this bloke because he's like gonna just rip my head off if i ask like as long as i if as long as i find out that if it's that guy i'm like okay well there's nothing i can do like i'm not i'm not even gonna try anything but there's nothing i can do so i'm talking to this guy so then i go okay and so then i move to the next guy who's ahead of the first guy sitting in front of the first guy and wait so the show is on while you're just covertly scuffling around under the chair? I'm very quietly doing this. So then the guy in front, I go, mate, is it you? Are you yelling at him?

Is it you yelling at him? And he goes, nah, mate. I go, well, who is it? And he just goes, he just like nods back directly behind him and goes, I think you're on the right track, mate. Yeah, that's good. I love this. Yeah. went okay so then i go back to the guy and i go so is it you mate and he goes mate i i nah what who what i'm like it's not you yelling out yeah he goes no i don't know what what

i don't know who's who's yelling out i'm like god and i'm like what am i doing this is quite a performance yeah yeah yeah so then and you're doing this and you're like take me back to the good old days when i was on my hands scrubbing up booze because at least i know that's all the all the context is there yeah i know what i'm dealing with someone i don't have the tools someone piss on the floor let me mop it up with my tongue that's black and white yeah yeah so then but in the meantime as i've gone back to this guy he's sitting with his partner or whoever she is whatever the relationship is and this woman is doing this thing where she's as i'm talking to him she is getting away from him as much as

she can like she's doing this she's leaning diagonally away from him so like as if to not get any of his like fuckhead germs as this conversation is happening so she's at like at a 45 degree tilt yeah as i'm talking to him just staying away from him as much as i can and i was like what what's going on and the whole thing is so sort of putting me off that i'm like what what am i doing here and i walk away and there's some people at the bar there's some people at the bar, some guys at the bar that are actually quite close to this all happening. And as I sort of turn around, I can see them just watching me and smiling.

So I walk up to them and went, mate, which one's yelling out? And he goes, you've got it, mate. That guy. Of course it's that guy. He's the guy doing it. So I just go back over and I go. How is the person on stage not noticing this? This seems like a full tableau playing out.

No, no. It's far off to the side. It's going well on stage. Everyone else is laughing. Sure, okay. There's just this side of the room that's a little bit preoccupied by it. So no one else is noticing anything. And so the guy goes, yeah, mate, you've got it.

It's that one. So I go back to him and I go, you know what? I'm doing the wrong thing by even giving him the option of asking him questions so he can say, nah, mate, not me. So I just go up and tap him. But you're wanting him to turn himself in. Yeah. You're trying to give him an amnesty.

I'm treating him like a normal person. Like a normal person would just say, oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or no, why can't I do it? Or whatever. I've actually never encountered this where it's like, it's literally murder on the orange express. It's not, I'm not going into Rod Laver and going, who left their sandwich here?

Yeah. Oh, fuck, I've got 10,000 contenders. Yeah. There's not that many people there. Yeah. So I just tap him on the knee. And it's weird because you're yelling out because you want to be seen. Yes.

You know, you want to be the center. It's happened all night. You want to be the center of attention. That's what it all comes down to. Like the psychology of being a heckler. So to be doing that and then immediately it's like, oh no, I don't really like the limelight all that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm yelling out in terms of a conversation, but then when someone wants to talk to me, I'm like, what's happening here? So I'm doing all this because the next act is going to be Arj Bark barker so you want someone like a big name like that dropping in yeah surprise guest

you don't annoy them and then they go i'm never coming back here sure i just come here and people yell at me fuck this place so i go back to him again and tap him on the knee and said look mate you're the one yelling out and if you yell out again i have to get you to leave and that's that you need to sit next to him during arch like when they like transport prisoners on a plane. Oh, yeah. And you've just got like the warden sitting next to him. Yeah. All right, mate.

Well, if it's not you, I'm just going to plonk down right here. Hannibal Lecter style, except the opposite where it's like all you're doing is like covering the mouth. Yeah. You're not giving any. Yeah. Do whatever you want with your hands. You can do star jumps if you want. You should go to like a kink shop and get like a ball gag. Oh, yeah. You're not giving any. Do whatever you want with your hands. You can do star jumps if you want.

You should go to like a kink shop and get like a ball gag. Just have a few on hand for anyone who's heckling. It's like, I'm not going to kick you out of the show, but if you want to stay, you do have to wear this. Yeah, yeah. Don't laugh. Don't laugh at my comedy show. So I go, man, you're done.

If you make another noise, you're done. I'm going to come and kick you out and that's that. And then I just, without even waiting for a response, I turn around and walk away. Yep. So, walk away,

then, Archbucket goes on stage, it's like, great, this is the first time this guy hasn't yelled out. You're over in the corner just sweating bullets, just praying that nothing happens. No,

I'm actually thinking, well, there's no way around it. He's been embarrassed and caught in a way yeah like there's no way he's going to do anything about this now so about i don't know seven eight nine minutes in like i'm like we're home free here and then something happens and then he just goes he says i think arch says something like he's going really well then he says something he's trying something new that whatever that new thing is doesn't kill immediately. And this guy just yells out, yeah, you're done now.

Wow. And, look, Arch just sort of plays us through it, just is confused and plays us through it or whatever. But I go, oh, this fucking guy. And then I sit there and go, okay, I now have to do that shit thing. There's no security work in that night. I have to do that shit thing of, like, me come over and pretend I sit there and go, okay, I now have to do that shit thing. There's no security work in that night. I have to do that shit thing of like me come over and pretend I'm security,

pretend I've got the ability to just pick someone up and turn them out. I get up and just... You have to, you've threatened it. So now you have to enact it. Yep. Yep. Yep.

So then, but I think this is why, because I said, look, next time you say anything, I have to kick you out. The partner or the lady, whoever, whatever the relationship is, I think she's just then gone, hey, we just have to go. Yeah. Like, on top of everything else. I think if you're that guy, if you go, it's laid out to you, if you speak again, you're being kicked out. And you wrestle with that and you're like, no, you know what?

I reckon I've got a good one that will be worth it. Yeah. You do it and then you're like, no, no. Yeah. I knew what I was doing. I was happy to – I weighed it all up. I felt like it was worth it to yell out, nah, you're done now. No one's laughed at it. So, look, I didn't play –

Literal silence. I was wrong, but I knew what I was doing and I'm on my way out. Yeah. Crazy to do that thing where it's like, it's not me. It's not me that killed the guy. And then as soon as the policeman

doesn't even walk around the corner, he kills another guy. It's like, I'll get away with this. He did manage to get away with it for so long by just telling you, no, it's not me.

So he probably did think when you came back, he could go, no, that wasn't me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would work again. Yeah, yeah. So I just wish I knew the conversation there,

whereas I'm pretty sure it was her going, you have to, we have to leave. Or whether it's, I was kind of thinking, is it even we have to leave because you yelled out or just her going, you know, I've had enough. Hey, I just remembered I left the oven on. Yeah, yeah. We have to go now.

Was Arch like the last act on? No, no, first act in the second bracket i thought you were gonna say it's one of those things where it's like um you know your excuse could be like hey the show's about to end let's beat the rush for the tram yeah no no no so then the car park's gonna be fucking chockers so they leave they walk past me i'm on the door and i just pretend i'm like well what i'm not going to rub it in. I'm not going to say, good riddance of bad rubbish. Yeah, yeah, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Yeah, I just go, you know what, they're gone, you're gone, we're all happy here. This will be good. And of course, as soon as they leave, they walk out, and there's no more heckling for the whole show. So it's like, okay, well, that's definitely them. Yep. Right. So then I get a phone call, like about Right. So then I get a phone call. Like about 20 minutes later, I get a phone call.

I'm like, who the fuck is ringing at 10 o'clock at night? And it's like, hello, look, you probably don't remember me. It's a lady. Oh, we were, you wouldn't know, but we were at your show, I think, before. But we left a little early. You wouldn't remember. Yeah, heaps left a little early. You wouldn't remember. Yeah, heaps of people leave early. Yeah, heaps.

Heaps of people leave early. In an audience of 70 people on a Monday night. There's two people left here right now, so heaps of people have left since the second break. No memory of the people walking past me, you know, 10 minutes ago. Yeah, you wouldn't remember. Anyway, there was a guy with me, and I'm like, oh, yeah. That was so long ago. Yeah, yeah.'t remember. Anyway, there was a guy with me. And I'm like, oh, yeah.

That was so long ago. Yeah, yeah. It rings a bell. I think there was a guy with me or something. Yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, I remember. Yeah. She goes, oh, anyway, he left his... You'll have to forgive me.

We're such a heteronormative society that I'm always seeing men with women. So none of them really ever stick out. Yeah, it doesn't ring a bell apart from the guy yelling at Ajbar. Yeah, yeah. So he left his bag there, so he's just going to come back, and I'm like, I'll go and grab the bag, and I'll put it upstairs outside the door to the comedy room, okay? That's what I'll do. Yeah.

Oh, right. Okay. Yep. No worries. I'll do that right now. now oh he's on his way back it'll be sitting outside the outside the door for him yeah no worries so pick up the bag and it's got a big mouth on it and as you pick it up it's like yeah i can't they've thought it was the bag that'd be good just like they've bought like a portableler, a portable heckling station.

A pair of chattering teeth that just say whatever. He's left a Bluetooth speaker in there that he's paired with and then he's up in the bar on a walkie-talkie app. That would be good. They're like, suck me off, Dave O'Neill. That would be good. So I go and I'm thinking, so he's left his backpack there. He's left some big bag or something. I go and pick up the bag

It's a Little Haze chocolate Gift bag Okay So this guy I'm like Because I'm starting to reassess

I'm like This guy must be blind drunk To be like Acting the way he is Like being such a cunt But it's like He's drunk He's fucked up

Chocoholic But he's got He's got his little Fucking chocolate gift bag He's got his little bunnies Yeah at like 10 o'clock at night. Yeah, nice. Yeah, that's good.

He's got a little bit of licorice for the way home. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, okay, this is funny. So then I bring it up and I just put it outside the door to the comedy club. Right, outside. And it's not outside, outside. It's still in the pub. Yeah.

This gift bag is very clearly sitting outside the door. So this guy comes marching down going where's my bag and i'm like yeah mate like i said on the phone it's upstairs outside the door and then so i wait and i'm and and i can hear the door like wide open and i can hear all the traffic coming in into the into the basement and i fuck of course this cunt when he walked out before he left the door open. Also, another thing that drives me mad, who opens a door that's closed and then goes through it and then just fucking leaves it open again? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fucking leave the doors the way they were. So anyway, I go up, go to close the door. The bag's still there outside the door. Yep. Where the fuck's this guy gone? So then I look around the corner and he's up at the bar going, where's my bag at the going, where's my bag at the bar? Where's my bag of chocolate?

He's at the, and like, meanwhile, he needs his fix. So he's getting a shot of Bailey's just to tide him over while he's doing this. Yeah, yeah. He's having a diabetic episode. Yeah, his sugar's crashing. He needs his freckle to get him back to normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. I know this is a strange question, but have you got any Smarties back there?

I just need a chocolate frog. Yeah, please. Anything. I'll buy a pint if you can chuck a frog in a pond, but the pond's of beer. Can we do that? Guinness is sort of close to chocolate, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a VB with two sugars?

Yeah. Is that possible? Yeah. So yeah so anyway he's at the bar arguing with the fucking bar staff who are like what the fuck is this and then i just he turns around and i'm like daintily carrying his gift bag going is this for you yeah and he's like yeah where was it and i go man outside the door that I said it was outside of. And he just like snatches it and like belts outside the door. I'm like, fucking hell. Great. Like in terms of like blowing your cover as the guy that was enough of a cunt to yell out fucking 12 times during a show.

I reckon all of this behavior is cemented. I reckon you possibly might be the guy. Yeah. You might be the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In hindsight. Yep. Yeah.

What did he look like? Big purple coat? Big top hat? Answers to the own wonka. No, he was actually, I think he's known as Birdie and he was some sort of like insect. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, right.

It was really weird. And he was after his show bag. Yep. Yeah, yes. Calling up and being like, I left my bag behind. It's a Birdie Baker show bag. I really need it back. It's worth almost $2.50.

Well, I was doing a gig last night and I got to the end of a bit. And like I love when this happens, I finished a bit and just like one person starts clapping. And you've always got to point it out because it's just very funny to like not get anything near a round of applause. Just one person loving it enough to be like, surely to God every single person in this room is going to applaud that great one. So just one person claps and I go, thank you very much to that one person for applauding that joke. And the guy goes, nah, mate, you earned it.

Like, thanks for clarifying your thoughts on how applause works thanks for not going i'll be honest mate that was charity yeah yeah yeah that was the sound of shit coming out of my ass and hitting the ground actually that wasn't that joke gave me diarrhea and then i'm there cleaning it up i'm like like, fuck, I don't even run this gig. God, where's the mop? Jesus Christ. Putting it into the dustpan. Well, I flagged to you that I wanted to keep this time. Sorry.

It's been 21 minutes. To be fair, I did a lot of the talking then. But all right. All right. Thank you, everyone, for subscribing on Patreon. We really appreciate it. Hey, we always love new people subscribing. This could be you.

This is your opportunity. You've always listened to these names be read out at the end of the show and you think, that could never be me. You know what? There's no gatekeepers in here. It's literally, if you sign up, you will get your name read out. You don't have to be the best person in the world. You don't have to be successful. You just the world. You don't have to be successful.

You just have to give us a bit of money. Yeah. That's all it takes. Let's clarify too because you get two bonus episodes per week if you're on Patreon, little mini episodes with special guests. Yes. And we always point that out. And invariably, maybe once a month, we get a message being like,

oh, boys, you fucked it. Something's going on with my Patreon apps. Now, to get the two a week, you need to be on the $10 tier. If you're on the $5 tier, you get the first and last episodes, bonus episodes of the month. It's all very, very clearly marked out on the website. So invariably, we get a message being like, Oh, nice one, Brains Trust.

You fucked it here. And then it's like, what tier are you on? $5? No, no, you've actually got the exact right You've fucked it here. And then it's like, what do you want, $5? No, no, you've actually got the exact right number of episodes that you're meant to be getting. Yes. So if you want your full value for money, get the $10 tier, too many episodes a week on Monday and Fridays with special guests. It's a great value proposition in my humble opinion. Yes. It's good value just for giving back to what you get for free already.

But then on top of that, getting all this other bullshit. What it's meant to really be is paying for this that you get for free. I know, but that's how Patreon is. We've talked about Patreon started and said at the start, you don't have to offer anything. Don't treat it as people are paying for the bonuses and now people treat it as pay for the bonuses. Fair enough. That's just the way it works. It's like, Patreon, you were wrong. You were wrong. You were wrong. You made this estimation and you fucked up.

The market now dictates that this is what you need to do. You need to give out something else, which we do. It's a pretty good deal. Anyway, thank you to everyone.

It could be you. This could be you. Don't think this could never be you. This could be you right now. It's within your grasp. Look,

you know what? Heads up to, you know, between one and five people, I reckon this never be you this could be you right now there's i look you know what heads up to you know between one and five people i reckon this will be you this week all you need to do right now if you want this to be you is get onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club yes reach reach into your little fanny pocket and get your wallet and your credit card out or you know what your details might be auto saved in your browser yeah you might not even need to do that you don't even know i would say stop this episode and go to it right now you don't even need to stop but what we're saying now you know isn't that taxing yeah that would stop you from signing up right that's why we're deliberately treading water and not being funny yeah is just to give you a bit of white noise with which to subscribe on patreon why we've done that for

last 12 years yeah we're just waiting for you all to sign up to patreon we're like elevator music but music for signing up to patreon blank space yeah yeah we're the we're the girlfriend eponema of podcasting yeah sometimes i'll do that i'll be like listening to something as i'm doing something else and then i'll i'll need to like i don't know talk to someone or focus on something a bit more so i'm like i'll pause what i'm listening to because i'm doing this i'm not really going to pay full attention. And I'll do that and then I'll go back and then the next five minutes is like, yeah, I could have just let this run out.

Yeah. I wouldn't have missed anything. I know. Today I've got plenty of work to do and I'm like, I've only recently started putting YouTube clips on the TV and connecting it all up

and going, all right, I'm going to just have something on in the background while I work and I've really got to fucking divvy it all up properly because there's just too many days where I've gone yeah i'm not doing any of this work i'm just watching the show now yeah you've got a it's like there's background music and there's background tv yep um i thought i could get away with jackass too the other day

is background tv but unfortunately me just being shot out of a cannon is not background it's foreground tv yeah you need find, you need audio, stand-up's good because you can just kind of be listening in the background or like, I love if I'm doing a big like illustration thing

where it's just like hours in front of the iPad just like need to sit and get it done. Yep. Putting on like, going through a series that I've already watched,

just like having a Breaking Bad or The Shield on in the background. Yeah. Like I haven't watched it in a while. I know what happens like odd bit i'm like oh yeah this bit but like for the most part it's just like it's just it's just familiar yeah treating it like a radio play right yeah all right i'll get into that i might do i might i might get back onto my because you know i talked a lot a lot uh long ago about um webcams thailand webcams but i actually haven't looked at any of them for ages because i got too into vloggers vloggers vloggers

and um i might have to get back to onto that there's a few good ones where someone just walks down a beach for an hour oh yeah like oh just do that that's good um all right so thank you very much this could be you get onto it patreon.com slash little dum dum club or you can go if you don't if you don't remember that URL you can just google little dum dum club find our website

there's a link through that you can go and grab t-shirts through there you can go back through the back catalogue you can even find stand up specials that we've recorded

in the past Tommy yeah it's still on our website yeah there's even still a link to buying a ticket to our 12th birthday show that was over a year ago, if you want to click on that tab.

By the way, update on this. I don't know when or why this happened, but we stopped getting updates on the 500th and 600th episode ticket sales. You're right! It popped into my brain the other day, and I was like, because it had just so become like the white noise of the morning, like, oh, of course that's there. I didn't clock like the day that it had happened. Because I truly, we talked about this.

It was like two years on and we were still getting the emails. Yes. And going, well, if they haven't stopped now, why would they ever stop? You're right. And we're not going to say anything about it. It's just funny to keep this going. So like, it's just bizarre that someone at some point has, like, what, been in the office and been like, oh, yeah, we should turn that off.

They got, yeah, they did a little clean up in a Ticketek. Yeah. Ticketek? Yeah. Ticketmaster? Ticketek. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whichever one. Yeah. But I was kind of sad to realize that that happened and we didn't even, we weren't even aware of it. Yeah, just like a little bit of eczema that cleaned up where you go, I'm not sure. I don't have an itchy elbow anymore. Yeah. Oh, good.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't appreciate it when it disappeared, but now in hindsight, nice. Oh, it hasn't been there for a while. Yeah. Great. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Catherine Chompkowitz. Catherine Chompkowitz.

Yeah. Okay. Chompkowitz. Chompers. It is the first. Chompers. It is the first... Chompers. Yeah. What's his name?

What's that guy's fucking name? What? Chompers. In what? The sports reporter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think you would know that. Yeah, we've talked about it before.

Have we? Yeah, yeah. There's a sports reporter in Melbourne. They call Chompers because he got his teeth done or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And he hates it. He hates it. Everyone calls him Chompers because he got his teeth done or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And he hates it. He hates it.

Everyone calls him chompers and he hates it. Yeah. You showed me once like a super edit of like the number of times he's interviewing people. And it's all very nice and cordial and then it gets to the end and they're like, anyway, thanks, Uncle Chomp Chomp. Yeah, yeah. That's right. And it's just him.

You just see him like the last second before they cut away being like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, it's classic footy club behavior, but they somehow got away with it on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah he's just like it's it's it's classic footy club behavior but they somehow got away with it on tv yeah yeah like instead of like you know treating it like the bbc you know or whatever and uh you know world service it's now of an of a time where you've got not even the smartest footy players like some of the dumbest footy players are in charge of tv and they're like yeah why don't we just fucking players are in charge of TV and they're like, yeah,

why don't we just fucking dack someone on TV or whatever. It's like that. It's also just like, oh yeah, imagine getting your teeth done. Like the thing that everyone in high school

has braces for. There's just like something about having it done as an adult that like footy players have decided there's a stigma about. Oh no,

no, but it's like, it's like, he's got them whitened, I think, or I don't know. It's either, what do you call it when you just get new teeth these days? Veneers?

Veneers, yeah. It's either veneers or he's got them whitened. And it's like, yeah, imagine doing that when you work on TV. Right. Imagine making your appearance better. Obviously you would want to, but also it sticks out because you are on camera every day. So if you turn up overnight and you look different, it's like, oh, his teeth are white. Yes.

I was reading this article last night, this old article that was written about Sinatra in like the 60s. And it's like one of the first like long form kind of essay things. And it's like this person who followed Sinatra around and then he's in like a bad mood. So he just ends up interviewing like Sinatra's like entourage and stuff and they talk about like sinatra having a wig like a wig lady who like is in charge of like going around with him with his toupee yeah at all times and just the insane salary that they were on like they you add up and it's like for inflation it's like the fucking huge bank that this person made yeah and their job was just handling sinatra's wig it's like for inflation, it's like the fucking huge bank that this person made. Yeah. And their job was just handling Sinatra's wig. It's the 60s version of Snoop's joint roller.

Right. Yeah. He's got that, hasn't he? He's got a full-time employee. I think there might be a couple of people that have it that are joint rollers and that's their job. And they're getting 80k a year or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy. Being a wig handler for someone because surely it's like well you just have the wig on like if you're going out in public

wig goes on right yeah but then you've got to look after it like how often are you in public then when you're out of public you've got to I don't know

you take it off yeah put it into the little glass case wash it yeah I don't know keep it yeah

it's sitting on someone's head it's going to get sweat on it yeah you probably you probably have to do the attachments and detachments you know there's yeah we glue yeah yeah um so yeah there's a there's a you know when he's on stage that's your hour off oh yeah the other 23 hours that's when you is it your hour off though would you be i imagine that's like high because it's like he doesn't want people to know that he's wearing the wig. So you're watching side of stage. If it like starts to slip, if something goes wrong with the wig, I would imagine that's maybe your most, you know, high stress.

You have to leap into action. You're not like me with a fucking mop or whatever. You can't run on and readjust Frank Sinatra's hair. If it like... If it falls off or it looks like it's going to fall off yeah i would imagine you have to you have to do something you have to like no you know what i would not do it because i'd be like hey mate you're the one saying you do it your way you know oh nice and i'm sure he'd love that he seems like he would have handled that a notoriously

chill person yeah yeah sin yeah. Frank Sinatra. Yeah, yeah. That's a nice little joke about your wig. Someone who's linked up with the mafia quite heavily. Yep. Boom. Well, thanks, Chompers. Thanks, Chompers.

Thanks, Catherine. Catherine with a K, by the way. Love it. Yep. Great. I bet. We talked about this last week. I know.

At some point we did. Yes. But big about this last week. I know. At some point we did. Yes. But big preference for the K. But Catherine with a K. Particularly. Fuck. Up there. Really like it. So you big boycotter.

You've never seen a movie with Cate Blanchett on principle. Not going to catch Tar. I didn't. I didn't. I haven't watched that. I didn't. I'm not boycotting. But I tell you what. If it was with a K, it might get me there.

You'd be there day one. It might get me there. Yeah. It might get me over the line. Yep. Yep. Thanks, Catherine. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Jack Lawless.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Is this real? This is real. Fuck yeah. What a tough name. That's awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. Is this real? This is real. Fuck yeah. What a tough name. That's awesome. Yeah. So, just, like, I like the idea that the ancestors, like, weren't even, like, didn't, haven't even got, like, the surname Horse Rustler or anything like that. Although that would be a cool name. They haven't figured out the name, like, Crook or Robber. Yeah. It's just like, well, we, okay, we've invented the law. Yeah. And this person's sort of doing the opposite of it.

So, like, I don't know. We'll, look, we'll just put this, you know, like you put, you're writing something and you, like, put a line and then you put, like, a note to yourself in brackets, like, come up with something better. Yeah. It's just basically that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come up with something better down the line.

Well, also, it might be just, like, his ancestors might be, like, be that responsible for that many crimes. Like, they rustle horses. They've killed people. Yeah. They've held up stagecoaches. They've fucking done all that. It's like, okay, well, we can't...

We need an et cetera. No, but they just had it as a placeholder, and they probably assumed one day that the name would change. So their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand-grandson would be called Jack Rapist. Right. Okay. I thought maybe...

They'll refine this as they go on. Yeah. Well, maybe they were like, maybe this went to court or something where, you know, you've sort of got to, you know, someone's got to approve your name maybe back then. Because, you know, these days you can't, you're not allowed to call your child absolutely anything. It's like number plates. You've got to run it by someone.

So maybe they've gone in there and pleaded and gone, look, I don't want to be Jack Criminal. Yeah. I don't want to be Jack Criminal. Yeah. I don't want to be the criminal family. Fuck, that's... What? Criminals are pretty cool last name. But not back then. Yeah.

You know, there's no irony back then. Irony wasn't invented, you know, since probably the last... I wonder when irony was invented. Probably only a hundred years ago, maybe. I don't know. Fuck, that's a great question. Yeah. You mean in the sense of like, sort of liking something as a joke like as in as in terms of like ironic detachment yeah yeah

like it like oh how cool is this because it's shit yeah okay that sort of thing yeah yeah yeah um oh yeah the great crusades yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm loving having cholera yeah When was the first person Yeah To have like an ironic Detachment to something I can't get to the I can't get to the

Out of the side of this wall in China Fuck and this is great Yeah Well no we're talking about I guess we're talking more about sarcasm But the idea of like Something being shit And people like

Pumping it up Yes Yeah So maybe this guy Maybe his family were like But I guess that is like you know like bush poetry and like the legends of like ned kelly and stuff like that it's like oh this guy's like a you know this guy's a criminal this guy's like a bad guy but it's like

no i think he's awesome i'm gonna write a song about him yeah you know it's the equivalent of it's the equivalent of like yeah meme culture now of like being like oh yeah how crazy was it when harambe died it's like you didn't you don't care you don't care about that fucking gorilla right yeah um well this guy this guy i reckon this guy's plea bargained he's gone criminal it's not cool back then lawless how about that that? I'm without law I don't study it I don't subscribe to it I don't follow it What about that?

These have been some good names so far Can you make sure we have names this interesting To read out at the live talking dum-dum club That we'll do next week? In front of a live audience? Yeah, I should really have thought about that Can you make sure that they're not just names that there's nothing to say about when we're in front of an audience?

Yeah. That's, look, I'm guilty of that. We got there. It was good. We got there. No, it will be good. I thought, yeah, it will be good next week. It will be good next week.

I'm sure it'll be good. You're right, because that was backstage, in between shows, me going, here's the first ones I can find. Yeah. No, I'm sure it will be good. I'm looking back at that list. But it'll be good because we work hard and it's a hot crowd. Yes, you're right.

I'm looking at them right now going, yep, there's some pretty fucking bang average ones. And you could have seen these just on the horizon. No, no, no, no, no. Yep. No, you're dead right. You're dead right. I've spilt this pint on the floor if only we had have done these in the order that they're actually coming out

it could have been a whole different landscape i know i've i've i've i'll put my hand up unlike this account in the in the audience last night i'll put my hand up that was me that was me that done this yeah yeah my little bag of chocolate Yep Got the better of me Yes Yes Um But thanks

Thanks Jack Thanks Jack Thanks Without Law Thanks Jack Thanks for following Thanks Jack Thanks for following the law of Doing the right thing by us

Um Thank you very much to Patron subscriber Hamish Row subscriber Hamish Rowlings Hamish Rowlings Maybe this is Snoop's employee Oh nice

That's his ancestor Back in medieval times Worked for Snoop Dogg Where his ancestor was like a court jester Back when they couldn't spell it properly But R-O-W-L-I-N-G-S. Ah, okay. Damn.

Yeah. Damn. Yeah. But, you know, back then, you know, if you read Shakespeare and all that bullshit, they make up spelling

of all this fucking stuff and things change over time. You know what always really gets me about that stuff is whenever you see pictures of even like early this, early last century, and you go,

okay, evolution's a thing, I get it, and and you go okay evolution's a thing i get it and and you know everyone's a lot more well off now sort of generally in society everyone can well i shouldn't make that broad assumption because you know a lot of people are hard off hard up and not well off and whatever but you look at these cunts fucking 120 years ago everyone's in a like they're street urchins in a three-piece suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How the fuck did that work? Yeah.

How have we got fucking Uniqlo and we've like, people are getting around looking okay in like fucking $10 t-shirts now, but back then you had to wear the three-piece suit and a fucking stovepipe hat. It's interesting. I like it. I mean, it's the same as like, you know, you see photos of like people on planes in the 60s and like everyone's in a suit. It's same as like, you know, you see photos of like people on planes in the 60s and like everyone's in a suit.

It's like, hey, this is a privilege. This is like a high society thing to get to do. Obviously, you dress up to go on the plane. And then now, even if I'm like going an hour to Sydney, I'm like, I'll wear track pants because I'll get, you know, jeans studs. You know. Yeah, yeah. I was walking.

We haven't talked about this yet but i went to uh bangkok for a week um and i was i put a few pics on social media but it was like ridiculous i was i don't even dress this bad on the beach but i had like basically beach wear but i was like oh yeah yeah this will be fine in bangkok because it's like hot there and i'm going to thailand again and but i don't generally go to Bangkok for a week or whatever. It didn't end up being a week. But I don't generally spend that much time in Bangkok. So I'm just walking around in Bangkok wearing stuff I wouldn't even wear on the beach in

Koh Samui. Yeah. Singlet, shorts, thongs. I'm just looking like a complete fucking idiot. Yeah. But like walking around. Nowhere near water. Nowhere near water.

Yeah. Walking around in the fucking business district yep of bangkok people just looking at me going what i mean we've seen a lot of things here but what the fuck are you doing yeah yeah what are you thinking here yeah yeah you're right yep but this is what i packed yep so this is what i'm wearing no wonder australian tourists get bad name overseas totally totally um But that's what I was rolling around in. Oh, rolling around in. Roll, roll, rolling around in Bangkok, Tommy. But Hamish, where do you get that name from?

Like when you're sort of a bit like ham, it's ham-ish. Well, you kind of are. You're a meat. Yeah? You wouldn't, if you cut into a person and ate them, they wouldn't taste like ham. What do... But, you know, you could have them on a spread and be like, you know, there's a bit of ham, there's a bit of person.

You know, I don't think they'd look, if you shaved it in the same way, they wouldn't look a million miles apart. Yeah, I mean, that's as close to i mean what what do you call human flesh you call it beef you can't call it beef because well i think at the point it gets a snappy name then you're really getting into dangerous territory you know what i mean if you formalize it that much imagine if you were someone that's like eaten a person and you just can't talk about it to anyone yeah you. You know what I mean? Like, it must... Any kind of, like, unique flavour that it has.

If it's, like, the most, like... You've never tasted anything like it. Yeah. It kind of would drive you insane. Yeah. Because you can't ever be like, Hey, um... If you, like, started to get a bit of an inkling

that, like, someone you know, it's like, I reckon they've eaten in person. Yeah. And you roll that dice. And they're like, What the fuck are you talking about? If you... You're probably going to jail. If you're veal once you go i've never eaten veal what's it taste like sort of tastes like man yeah oh okay yeah there's i remember in there's one of

dave gorman's books where he has this bit where he's talking about this book that he's pretending to write it like it's an order it's like a memoir kind of thing yeah but he's like pretending that he's writing this book and the book that he's pretending to write is about a man who imagines a new color that no one has ever seen oh great and he's driven mad by it because it's like well i mean that'd be quite a few it'd be good yeah yeah how do you describe a color that doesn't exist i love that as a concept i've thought about this before which yeah it's like because that'd be a front page story if someone just came out with a new colour and went, guess what?

Yeah. We've got it. A new anything. But yeah, it's so funny because it's like this throwaway, like this is this book that I lied and pretended that I was writing and it's like, damn, someone's got to write that book. Yeah. That's a great story.

Oh, totally. So I guess human flesh or whatever is... I'm assuming that's the closest to beef. I'm assuming that's sort of what it would be like. I suppose. That's the closest. Yeah. Surely.

Do they know? Has there been... It's dark. Has there been like a food scientist who's like, all right, I'll take one for the team here. Yeah. Cut off a little bit of Frank. Yeah.

I'll eat a bit of his finger. I'm good. And look, I've got the most refined palate of all of us, so I'll do the maths on it. What does human taste like? You might want to go incognito mode for this one. Oh, here we go. Okay. The top responses are Human flesh looks like beef

But the taste is more elusive And then on the Guardian blog it says It tastes a bit like pork It's on the Guardian? Yes, it's a blog. And then they've got that thing down the bottom that they always have, like, guys, journalism's expensive. Here we go.

Throw in a dollar if you can to keep the website going. Going through, there's several different little results I'm getting up here. Anecdotal accounts suggest something between pork and veal. Consistency of beef, but more like pork. Okay. I love that. Anecdotal. I mean, I didn't do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't know. Yeah. But from what I hear. Yeah. Veal. More like pig. I mean, you know all that stuff about like army hammer how he's accused of yeah being

a cannibal it's like if they ever got him if they ever had him like dead to rights on that and it's like he's going away surely like if you're him you'd just go like all right look on the way out it's the burning question everyone wants to know yeah i'm done here i've tried to deny it i've tried to run for it but i'm going away for life so i guess i'll answer the big question of here's what person tastes like yeah according to the natives of papua new guinea we taste like pork oh right yeah so i'm getting there's yeah i'm wrong i'll guess beef and everything here says looks like feels like beef but not beef yeah interesting pork and veal yeah i'm tempted because you know like i love pork, you know, like, I love pork.

Right. But you know the thing that I like the least about it? What? The texture. Oh. Okay. So you're getting me a steak that tastes like pork? Damn.

I'm interested. Do you know what's always confusing in Thailand about pork? Is that the Thai word for it is moo. Oh, okay. Well, why don't you give that to beef? Yeah. That'd be a lot easier. Yeah.

Why don't you just base your whole life around the English language? Yeah. No, but it's not... Moo is not the English language. That's... Yeah, Thai cows probably say something different. They probably say something different. You fucking idiot.

They're translating it. Yeah. Imagine, what's that app? You're just holding that up to a cow. Duolingo. What's he saying? Yeah. Translate that into Thai. Well, thanks Hamish Rowlings.

Thanks Hamish. Thanks Hamish. Thanks Hamish. I'm thanks Hamish Rowlings. Thanks Hamish. Thanks Hamish. Thanks Ham Ham. I'm more porkish, apparently. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Nathan Cannon. Yeah, okay. How's that? Yeah.

C-A-N-O-N. Yeah. Oh, like the camera. I thought like the piece of artillery. Well, no. It's more like the canon of this show. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Or, alternatively, it's like a new conspiracy theory group, C Anon.

C Anon. Instead of Q Anon. Yeah, I'm a big fan of C. C. C knows what's up. Instead of Q being the boss, it's C, whoever C is. Well, that probably started with me when I was in a Commonwealth bank ad playing a big foam letter C.

Oh, you were C. And so people were watching that and being like, this guy's sending messages through the ads about how the top brass at the bank are all secret pedophiles. Wow. You know what? That could be a really great mini cult within this podcast. Yeah, see it on.

People who have just listened to, not people who have just listened to the show and thought it's funny or enjoyed it or got some sort of Stockholm syndrome with us, but someone thinking that you've been, you in particular, Not me. Yeah, not me. Just you have been sending out secret messages this whole time. And they're like, how does Carl not get it?

I mean, he's getting the secret messages in the room direct to him, and he still hasn't picked it up. Yes. And you're sending out messages of how there's a pedophile ring underneath the basement comedy club that people should come in and try and ruin by heckling every week. That guy's part of C&I. It's a very hidden code because we never talk about pedophiles

and we never talk about the Basement Comedy Club. So you've really got to go digging between the lines to find any kind of hints in that. Yes, yes. So that could be that guy from last night. He could be one of the C&I. That's why he had the chocolate to give to all the kids that are hidden under the... Yes,. C&O, yeah. C&O. That's why he had the chocolate to give to all the kids that are hidden under the...

Yes. Yes. For nourishment. To lure them out. When he rescues them. To try and get them out of the hole. What's the place where they all think

it happens in America? Comet Pizza. Comet Pizza, right. I was going to say Pizza Planet. No. I think that's the pizzeria in Toy Story. Right.

I just read that the other day. Comet Pizza. Right. Yeah. Which... Is it still a thing? So that was... I don't know. What's it called?

What's the conspiracy theory called over there? It's called Pizza Gate. Pizza Gate, right? Pizza Gate, yeah. That would be so funny if they, at Basement, if they started serving pizzas and you just give it the name Comet Pizza inside. Well, Basement Comic Club, that downstairs downstairs bit That used to be a pizza restaurant For about fucking two weeks

Yeah yeah yeah Until no one wanted to walk down Into a Because no one wants to That's the other thing We were talking about that The other day Like you know

That's a four story venue It's called Morris House now Yep And the basement Is just basement comedy club Because before that They had nothing down there Because it is a fucking hard

Hard thing to do To walk into a pub And go Yeah where do you want to just walk down into that basement? The bit with absolutely no light. Yeah. Yeah. No windows. It's like, not really. You've got a rooftop still, haven't you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's full. Yeah, we'll take our chances. Thank you. We don't. We'll stand. There's no good reason to walk into a basement unless there's a really specific, it's not, no one in general wants to walk

downstairs yeah for no reason yeah um so yeah uh pizza gate uh comet oh fuck it's called comet ping pong okay so maybe they've changed the name of it maybe it used to be called comet pizza and i'm sure they've because some i mean look we, look, we're having a lot of fun here. But some pretty bad stuff ended up happening there, I think. Some... No, like a guy showed... Didn't a guy show up there and he was like... Yeah, so the whole story was there was a conspiracy theory

where someone said there was a pedophile ring or there was children underneath The pizza restaurant That was operating Out of the basement Of this pizza place Yes I don't know the genesis Of how that got started

But then some guy Showed up With a gun And was like Yeah Nothing happened He turned up with a gun Nothing happened

He turned up with a gun But I would have thought As soon as that happens And that becomes folklore And whatever Someone else is going To do that at some point You then go Alright we right, we're out.

Or we change the name. Yeah. Or something happens. But then it's like, yeah, you're right. I mean, this is, again, the ironic detachment of like, yeah, let's open a pizza place and call it Comet Pizza. That's so funny. But how the fuck can they just keep going with that on their name

and with crazy people still out there? How the fuck would you still run that business? You keep Comet, but you've just changed it to ping pong. That's like more something that kids are into. That's, and also it's just confusing to anyone who wants pizza. Yeah.

You go, I need pizza. Well, there's Comet ping pong. Cool. But we need a pizza shop. Yeah. I'm working up a real appetite whacking that little ball around. Yeah.

Got any, do you have like a kitchen out here or... This is fucking... There's a... There's a lot fucking going on here. A lot of confusing things

going on here. Well, you know, this is how it starts. Man, well... You're looking at it and you're like, it doesn't add up. Just like...

Just like all the believers of CNN when they got my coded messages in Commonwealth bank ads at the 2012 Olympic Games. Yes, yes. Have you still got footage of that? We talked about it way back at the start of the podcast. Yeah.

Do you have the ad? You should have the ad somewhere. It probably exists somewhere. What I would love to get is – I've never talked about it. So there was letters. It was you dressed up as a C and what were the other letters? So it was, the whole Commonwealth Bank thing

at the time was, the Commonwealth Bank can, can do whatever and it would be like me and an A and an N. C-A-N. C-A-N. And you're getting rid of the T.

And we'd be, we'd be all sort of running along together and then we'd have this like, T that would come over and he'd be real negative and the ads would all, the ads were like, basically like the Looney Tunes where we'd like, push him that would come over and he'd be real negative and the ads were like basically like the Looney Tunes where we'd like push him off a cliff or whatever.

And so, yeah, we filmed some here and then we went over to the London Olympic Games and filmed a bunch there. Right. And the ads were featured on Gruen Transfer. Oh, yeah. Which was very funny and one of the ladies that was on there, because it's like the main ad was us kind of running along a hill. Yep. And they played the ad and then the lady went, oh, it's obviously very funny.

They've gotten these four obviously unathletic men. Right. I was like, what? Yep. Great. Obviously unathletic. Great. In the fact that we're dressed in big foam suits yeah yeah yeah

i'm not competing in the hundred meters that's not my actual body yeah yeah that's foam yeah but i've always wanted to do something with that in a in a show just having that footage of an advertising executive saying that you look like shit is pretty funny also that's twice you've now been featured without will will anderson saying your name on his shows. I know. The Glass House, as we talked about a few weeks ago, and Gruen Transfer on this. Yeah, I know. So it's a lot easier to get talked about without him saying your name than be a panel member on one of his shows.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I wonder what I could do to get, or maybe it could be CNN, my new cult, could be featured on Question Every Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Will's like, if only we had some link to the guy.

Yeah, yeah. If only we could get him in for some kind of comment. Yeah, anyway, what do you think about this Sydney Open, Micah? You got anything to laugh and joke about with this thing or not? You have to laugh. Well, thanks. Thanks.

Who was that? Oh, Cannon. Nathan Cannon. Thanks, Nathan Cannon. Is that how you pronounce it? All right. Let's just do one more because you said

you were trying to save your voice. Yep. And we've done a very bad job of that. Yeah. So sorry about that. You can probably hear that.

No, it's sounding all right. You said you were losing your voice. It doesn't sound bad at all but you need to go back and put your put your throat to bed yeah i did it i've done gigs the last couple of nights and i've just kind of felt my voice give out like mid-sentence i guess like being on stage is a bit different to like this is fine but yeah i'm just worried about you know taping and then like conking out okay all right we'll just do a very quick last Patreon subscriber. Thank you very much, Patreon subscriber. Okay.

This is similar to something else we've talked about. Thank you very much to C Omidy. Oh, right. It's some cult that subscribes to us. Yeah. Yeah, right. Like CNN, but it's like C. But it's C Omidy. Yeah, C Omidy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you understand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Like CNN, but it's like... But it's C-Omidy.

Yeah, C-Omidy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you understand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So tell me more about those Sydney open micers that are getting on TV unjustly.

Hey, if this is on TV, it would be a lot better, I promise. C-Omidy. Yeah, again, another one that would have been great in the room in a week's time. Well, thanks, See Omidy. Yeah. Thanks, everyone. We don't believe their beliefs.

We don't share their beliefs, of course. No. We don't believe that. But there's a secret pedophile ring under the joking bistro. believe that there's a secret pedophile ring under the joe king bistro um thanks everyone for supporting the show uh thursday november 30 come see my special taping tommy daslow.com get onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club get your bonus episodes and all that malarkey yeah and uh yeah look strap in for next week's episode because it's really fun and we'll see you next time see you