The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 687 - Live! Sam Pang, Dave O'Neil & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

We're LIVE from Melbourne with SAM PANG, DAVE O'NEIL and TOM BALLARD! We debrief our recent trip to Perth which landed us in the Daily Mail, The ghost of Tom Ballard haunts us for a little bit, Dave surprises Sam Pang with his appearance in New Idea and we go on a rollercoaster journey hearing about Dave and Sam getting lunch in a chicken shop. PLUS Tommy's trying to make up for his cursed print AND we do a live Talkin' Dum Dum! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with guests Tom Ballard, Dave O'Neill and Sam Pang and a live Talking Dumb Dumb recorded immediately afterwards. Enjoy! Hey mate! Welcome! Guys, please! Guys, mate! Welcome! Guys, please. Guys, please. Guys. Guys, we have more work to do.

Are you listening, Perth? Fuck him, this is going to be a tough one. Wake up, guys. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dassler. With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler! Yeah, good evening, guys. All right.

Oh, wow. Hang on. I'll just check my phone, Tommy. Now, Daily Mail. No updates, no headlines saying semi-popular podcast host allegedly has gay sex with Serbian gunrunner. Yeah. Well, I've gone to sleep on that one. But the night is young.

Yes. This is, I'm wearing my little cravat up on stage. After last week's episode with the story about Carla and Milan, I can now just come to the podcast and dress like this and still only be the second gayest host of the podcast. By the way, what I'm loving is, off the back of this, Milan hit me up yesterday and goes, I'm fucking getting dick

pics now. Oh, yeah. So for people who haven't listened yet this week, I was accused by my wife of being gay with Milan last week. Also a nice little realisation, my mum and dad are here tonight. Cool. And Milan's here, so it's a nice little realisation, my mum and dad are here tonight, cool. And Milan's here

so it's a nice chance for them to meet. So you've got your wife, your Thai wife and your man wife. Yeah. They can sort of coordinate schedules of when each one of them gets to have you. Wow, what three lucky ladies

yeah speaking of no thanks to the man who slapped us both on the bottom as we were walking up here under the stage it's not that kind of show yet I think this is going to be a real tipping point for the podcast you watch out for Milan okay

he's a jealous man what else we got I think this is going to be a real tipping point for the podcast. You watch out for Milan, okay? He's a jealous man. What else we got? Oh, yeah, yeah. How's this? Today, I went to the deli at the supermarket. Weird place to cruise for cock, but all right. Fuck, this is so easy now.

You thought this was bottom of the barrel before. I like it cold. How much for a kilo of uncircumcised? I'd like some pork, the meat, no. I think, you know, I think everyone, I think we all agree, a bit of racism is funny, but today I learnt that it's not. Today is officially unfunny.

Because I went to the deli and I ordered some ham and I was served by a young Asian lady and then when she gave the ham, when she packaged it all up, she then gave it directly to the guy next to me who was 60, bald and fat. And I'm like that's not me. And the guy looked at me

and went He's like, sorry mate. Gave me the look of like, look at what I look like, and she thinks you are me. And was he offended that she thought that he was the hand man? I think she just sort of, like, saw to the future, saw, like, 12 years into my future,

because the guy had a singlet on. He looked like he was a resident of Phuket. Yeah, OK. Yeah. And let me guess, you were buying this big bag of ham to just, like, eat out of the bag on the walk here? No, no. Another classic Carl Chandler lunch. Hey, at least I'm not gay in this story.

That's fine. That's fine. There must be a way to make him gay in this story. Eating a bag of ham. Speaking about bags of things, we're here at the Basement Comedy Club. See, we had banger jokes Last time in Perth And they were not laughing You just said

Speaking of bags of things And they nearly fucking Gave you a standing ovation This is great But you know what We've earned this Yes you're right Over

Yeah if you average Those two gigs over We've had two good gigs This is time in lieu You know we just get to like Take a bit of a breather today Great great We are here at the Basement Comedy Club now.

I think we've mentioned this on the show before. There is an item in the green room here at the Basement Comedy Club, a prop that belongs to friend of the show Nick Capper that he got made for his comedy show about having testicular cancer. Yes, and he had it filmed here. He had it filmed here. He got this prop made. It's like a fake nut.

And the taping was in... So it's not a real nut? I don't know. Maybe it's got the real one sort of rattling around in there. Like a piñata. Was that the end of the show? I never saw it. You bang a piñata and cum comes out.

Is that what... Sure, yeah. I mean, they laughed at it, so sure, whatever. And so, yeah, he did the taping, what, in, like, May? May, yeah, yeah. And The Nut has just been backstage for months since then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's completely, like, you know, disregarded.

He's treated this venue like his own body and just not cleaned up at all. Yeah. And so we... Yeah, and it's also, it's sitting in like the one actual seat that's back there as well, which I liked. And so we were talking about it before the show and we were like, oh, imagine at the end of the gig

if we could get up and like, you know, do a Gallagher and just smash it to pieces, just obliterate Capper's nut live on stage. Yes. And I texted Capper and I said, hey, you clearly don't want this thing back. It's been there for months. Can we do this at the end of the, can we do this on the pod today?

And he wrote back and said, no, not today. And then I said, well, what about this afternoon? And he said, no, I want to be there for it. He wants to watch us smash his nut. Yeah. Well, see, here's what I think.

I think that all of you guys should get on the socials right now and say, can we smash your nut? Can you all hit him up? Because we've got it here on stage. So bye. Kappa. Yeah, everyone get onto Instagram and message at Kappa Flapper and say, hey, I'm at a show and it's the offer of a lifetime.

The world's gayest man wants to smash your nut live on stage. All right, there needs to be a moratorium on that for a little bit, I think. Right, yeah, okay, okay. Yeah, what do you think? Imagine us just fucking going hell for leather on this thing at the end of the gig. Yeah, yeah, it's good.

You guys want to see Kappabage Nut get smashed, yeah? Yeah. All right. It's pretty sturdy, I've got to say. Right. So, well, we'll find out. We'll see if we can get a reaction out of him, out of hundreds of you guys hitting him up. So, here's an update.

Last time we did a live pod. This next bit will go good. Hey, everyone, can you just get on your phones for a little bit and not pay attention? Anyway, here's a funny story. Last time we were here in this venue doing a live podcast was when we were trying to, when I was trying to get rid of the Milan shirts. Yep. Which of course, the term to be Milan has taken on a completely different sort of meaning

at the moment. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I don't get it. I do. Allegedly. This is what you hear about, like, people always say, like, the big famous American comedians.

It's like, they get big and they just don't have to try anymore. You know, they just come out and coast on easy catchphrases. Again, mate, refer to Perth. Fucking hell. Yeah, true. Yeah, but you weren't out yet at that point. Yes. I mean, annoyingly, if we'd had this stuff up our sleeves then,

fuck, that would have been the gig of the century. Well, that would have been... I would have been very brave to come out in Perth. I mean, I would have... Yeah, true. I would have been bashed 20 minutes in, I reckon. So, when we were last on this stage... And again, I cannot believe I'm copying all this shit

from this cunt in a cravat. Anyway. Anyway. Last time we were here on this stage doing a live podcast was when I was trying to shill the... I got Milan's T-shirts. We were trying to get... By the end of it, we were trying to get rid of it for $10.

Yep. To get rid of the inventory. It was taking up Blanket's room. Yep. There was like 50 left or whatever. So not long after that, I got sent an email by Alyssa who said, you know what? I'll take's room. There was like 50 left or whatever. So not long after that, I got sent an email by Alyssa who said, you know what?

I'll take the lot. And he bought 50 I Got Milan t-shirts. And I was like, why the fuck do you want this? He's like, I've got a plan. What sort of plan could you possibly have with I Got Milan t-shirts? Yeah. Do you think he feels like after hearing last week's episode

that the value has gone up or down? Well, here's the thing. So I said, oh, this is how many I've got left. And then I didn't sell him three copies of it. Because, you know, the rules of supply and demand mean

now there's only three left. Last time I was on this stage, these were 10 bucks. Yep. These are now fucking $300, guys. If you want one of these, come up at the end of the show. The burger shirts are $35. This is $500.

They've gone up, actually. Oh, $500. They've just gone up in the last 10 seconds. They've gone up. Wow. What happened to dictate that? Fuck, the stock market's crazy. I don't know how to work this stuff out.

Yeah, inflation. Inflation in the last three seconds. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Right. Okay, anyone thinking three seconds. Yeah, okay, right, right, right. Right. Okay, anyone thinking they might be interested in a collector's edition I Got Milan T-shirt? Anyone interested so far? No?

Okay. All right, they're back to $10. All right. No, no, come on, $15. All right, $15. Yeah, yeah, all right. We'll get it back to cost price. So, yeah, we did get...

We got in the Daily Mail after that episode in Perth. Yes. Well, we didn't. Well, there is... From the episode, there is a photo of us on stage doing the gig. And so now, officially, the sexy lemon man suit has been embedded in a Daily Mail article, which is...

It's now... It's newsworthy. It's been in the news. Yes. And so it's all about, of course, if you listen to the Perth episode, it's like Mooney saying, I did meth, all this stuff, and's newsworthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been in the news. Yes. And so it's all about, of course, if you listen to the birthday episodes, like Mooney's saying, I did meth, all this stuff, and we're sitting there going, why the fuck did he say this?

And then that's one of you rat cunts assaulted to the Daily Mail. Because, like, there's no, like, I mean, is there any Daily Mail journalists here tonight? No. Yeah, yeah. That's not how it works. They're too lazy to do that. So someone has listened, and, you know, there's like a part on the website where you can, like, sell them That's not how it works. They're too lazy to do that. So, someone has listened and, you know,

there's like a part on the website where you can like sell them vision and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. For 50 bucks. Hot tip-offs. Yeah, so that's the goal today. We've got three guests. I'm going to get fucking something out of these three cunts.

And I'm going to make myself 50 bucks. And I'm going to video it here tonight and send it through to them. Okay. Yeah, that's the goal. This is the mission, to get into the daily. If we can just get every episode now, we have to get something in the Daily Mail. Yeah, yeah, every week. That'd be great.

Because also, we haven't heard from Moony yet, and we are scared. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the guy smokes ice. They're volatile people. As opposed to me who smokes... No, no, no. There we go, there we go. Nice, nice. But also, so while we were in Perth,

we were doing our own things and then we were also doing spots at these regular Perth gigs and on the Friday night, we did a gig at this brewery and the gig was, it's kind of like this, big room and the comedians are all just kind of like hanging up the back of the room, like watching the show while other people are on. And I did this bit about how, actually Nick Capa, someone told me that I look like a cross between a pedophile and one of his victims. It's a good bit. Well, I don't see it, but if you insist.

And then the next bit of the bit is like, and this actually did happen, another comedian came up to me and said like, oh, hey, after I'd done it and said like, oh, hey, that bit that you did about looking like a cross between a pedophile and one of the victims, I've got the exact same bit in my act. And then it's just basically me saying to someone else, actually Ben Lomas

saying, oh this is so fucked, I didn't rip this guy off, someone did actually say that and Lomas went, that's fucked you're way more of a pedophile than that other guy So he does that bit, I'm the MC of the gig and so he does that bit, big laugh, whatever does another bit of something and then I walk back

on and we're in Perth and I go give it up for Tommy Daslow one of Melbourne's top two biggest pedophiles and nice little laugh like that so then we go to the next room

the next night do a different gig different location slightly different set up it's sort of like backstage it's soundproof there's one little door

people go in and out all you know when people finish their act is when you can hear the music the intro music come on and whatever so he does his spot goes well I hear the music bang I intro music come on and whatever. So he does his spot, goes well,

I hear the music, bang, I go back out there and go, give it up for Tommy Daslow, one of Melbourne's top two biggest pedophiles. And big reaction, boom, and then I walk back and said to Tommy,

hey, wouldn't it be funny if you hadn't have done that bit, but I still said that? And he goes, I didn't. Didn't do the bit. Just hadn't done the bit. Did different material.

Had different stuff I wanted to do. It literally got a bigger laugh the second night. See, I've been obsessed with it. I've been thinking about this so much. Just for anyone who was in that crowd. Because if I hadn't have done the bit and you had have just gone, give it up for Tommy Dasolo, one of the biggest pedophiles, then it's like, oh, okay, okay that's funny just he's burnt his mate

he said you know we sort of get it even if you had have said top five it's like okay but specifically top two

it's just like such a specific bizarre ranking you're right the people in Perth they'd be like fuck who was the other one yeah

like there must be people who are at that gig just like not able to work out like what's this ranking like why only why only two and who is the other one There must be people who are at that gig just not able to work out, like, what's this ranking? Why only two and who is the other one? Why isn't there bronze for pedophilia? I actually do think it's better without me doing the bit.

It's funnier. It's funnier just as a random, like, yeah. All right, hey, we've got three amazing guests. Let's get them on, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave O'Neill and Sam Payne. You want to go there? There you go. Hello.

Wow. Yeah, we just just the two guests this week two fantastic guests just the two guests this week wait Tommy

you guys didn't introduce me is there a bit of feedback through the mic yeah guys there's like a cold draft coming through the room get in the way

oh it's me it's me oh no I think there's there's a ghost there's a ghost I think the podcast is being haunted. There's a ghost of Triple J past.

I think it's the fatdom of the opera. It's heller than Mikey. It's fucking unbelievable. I'm not dead and I'm not that fat, you cunts! I think it's a spirit who hasn't been able to pass on because he's got the most pathetic, unfinished business of all. Doing a podcast. Sad.

Just to recap, okay? You have Dave O'Neill, whose catchphrase is, Hey, puss. Carl just did 20 minutes of Imagine I'm Gay and you've now killed off a major gay character. Not good. Hey, me and Sam Peng

were just doing heroin in the green room. Quick. Hang on, hang on. You've got to be quicker on this thing. Come on. Say it again.

Say it again. Hold on, what were we doing? I thought it was ice. Oh, yes. I got it. I got it. Hang on, what were we doing? I thought it was ice. Oh, yes! I got it. I got it. Hang on, let me get in. Did you hear that?

No, it was... I think it was opium. It's on brand for you. I opened the... Wow. Wow. Wow. Forgive me.

Forgive me. I'm the only one in the room who's chased the dragon. Really? And throughout all of it just taking the H Sam kept telling us how he's Melbourne's number one pedophile

who was fucking crazy well Dave O'Neill is dressed like number three by the way look at that not good I model myself

on Gary Boosie in Point Break he's my hero you know Gary Boosie what a Break. He's my hero. You know Gary Boosie. What a reference. What a reference. I think that top button's at Point Break at the moment. More like Gary Bouffet.

Gary Buffet. Thank you. Now this feels right. Yeah. I've actually lost weight, but whatever. Really? Yeah. I've lost 10 kilos.

There's a reason we've got you on that side and you on this side, by the way. Bookends. Anyway. Oh, Christ. Hot start. Is that it? It's been great to be here, anyway. Yeah.

What would you like to say to the crowd, Dave? Hey, Poofs. There we go. Yeah, nice. That's my catchphrase. How long has this been your catchphrase? Too long, Dave. Hey, Poofs. There we go. Yeah, nice. That's my catchphrase. How long has this been your catchphrase? Too long, probably.

I'm waiting to get cancelled, but anyway. That's why you've been on Have You Been Paying Attention every week and he's been on once. So, yeah. I wasn't,

you were on once and I wasn't there. I was in your spot. I was in your spot. Yeah, yeah. We were talking about the backstage, how I reacted badly

when Ed Cavill said I was on a cruise ship and I hit the buzzer when Ed Cavill said I was on a cruise ship. And I hit the buzzer and said, I've never been on a cruise ship. Because that's a trigger for me. Well, I'm sure. Did you say something funny after that? No. I just got angry, apparently.

That's what that show's about. It's about setting the record straight. And then I went through Tommy G's wallet in the green room. I got 50 bucks. Maybe that wasn't a good thing to do.

I don't know. I'm available for that show at any point if I say. Yeah. Tell me. I don't book it. I would love to.

You would be wonderful. You should do it. You should do it. Who should it be on instead of? Dave O'Neill. Yes.

There's plenty of spots. If Ed Cavill accused you of being on a cruise ship, Tom Ballard, what would you advise him? Funny, good one, Ed. It's a pleasure to be here. That's good stuff. You say, yeah, and I enjoyed the buffet. There you go.

No, I wouldn't say that. Then Ed can say there's gyms on there too, mate. Oh no, I've never been on one. Are you sitting at home having to pay attention to traffic? Apparently. So you object to the idea that people have assumed that you've done cruises, because you've never done cruises, but you're above that thing. What are you doing after tonight?

I'm going to do a gig for abattoir workers in Anglesey. On the land. On theey. On the land. On land. On land. Near the beach. Near the beach. Man, if they were cutting up those cows on sea, fucking hell. I said to the guy, so you, I go, we're just the admin.

There's like 40 admin people. Like I say, you don't chop up the animals. He goes, oh no, when it's Christmas we all chip in and help. So if you're an accountant in this job, you've got to go on the floor and just chop up a cow. Really?

All hands on deck, busiest time of the year. Yeah, yeah. Christmas and Easter, he said, they've all got to chip in and help on the floor. Right.

That's the worst Christmas party I've ever heard. But your diary and the gigs you have week to week are just a joy. Every now and then I'll just ring you to find out what you've either done or what you've got coming up.

And I remember I rang you once and I said, how's things? He goes, oh, yeah, no, it's a Saturday night. And I was thinking, yeah, what did you do? And he said, oh, I had a bloke's 40th in Abbotsford where he was dressed as a gorilla. At his house. No, a lobster. I'm sorry. The geologist, yeah.

Yeah, the geologist. The rock lobster. What a kid. You can say no to these fucking things. The gorilla man in Abbotsford was Carla Weddon Wellington. That was his... Imagine.

You didn't know that Why was he dressed as a lobster? It was a fancy dress party There was two Ted Lasso's Three Popes One Austin Powers And me dressed like this I love when someone has a fancy dress party

And just doesn't even give it a theme Beyond just like Just fucking pretend Just do it up Just do whatever I said I'm a lesbian That's my costume. Hey, Puffs. Anyway,

I've got a bit of a bone to pick at you, Sam, because you know I visit my mother in the nursing home every week. Well, hold on. I didn't know you had a bone to pick at me. I didn't know you visited that. What else? What's the problem? Anyway, I'm scoping out a room for me. So it's 55 and over.

I'm 58. So anyway. No, she gets a new idea every week and the Women's Day. And so she often tells me stories from it. So I walk in there and she always goes, your girlfriend's in this week. I'm like, who? And Kate Lambrouck's in there because I used to work with her.

Anyway. The other day she goes, she's sitting up in bed and she's got the new idea. And she goes, Sam Pang turned 50. He had a party and you weren't invited. I've got it here, mate. Have you seen this? No, I haven't seen it.

Sam Pang turns 50. Party picks inside. And when you open it up... You were invited. I wanted you to come and do 10. Yeah, what were you dressed as? What is this? Where is it? Have a look.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't put... Oh, oh. Sorry, I didn't know you were allowed to bring props up on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you're trying to slam Sam here, Dave, but this is so much sadder for you. All it is is you going out for dinner with your wife and child.

Oh! Current wife and child. First wife, as we say, yeah. Oh, well, they papped your wife. Yeah, that's not good, is it? I said to Mum, that's a family dinner. She goes, you still weren't invited. Hang on, hang on.

I just got you there. Go fucking sit there with you. Hang on, hang on. She's got you there. Hang on, hang on. I've never seen Sam Bang's wife before. Can I video this and send it to the Daily Mail? Is that a thing? That's a thing. Has your wife seen that? This is not a great moment, by the way. Who else was invited?

I do like that they've got a picture of apparently he gets his funny from his mama, and they've got a picture of, apparently, he gets his funny from his mama. Yeah. And they've got a picture of, well, there's a Chinese lady there. But who's that? She, in kind of a skit for the front bar, is an actress who played my mother. Oh!

Oh, my God. Because your mother's Anglo-Saxon, right? Last time I checked, yes. Wow. Because that's, I mean, that lady is Asian, but she does seem to be doing the eyes as well. So, yeah.

Anyway. She's really leaning into that, I reckon. Anyway. That's right. At least she's committed. You know what I mean? Like, when you filled in, I reckon. That's right. At least she's committed. Do you know what I mean? Like when you filled in, I haven't been paying attention. I told you, you're sitting in my seat.

Do the eyes. Do everything. Yellow face, as we say. Yeah, yeah. As we say. Who's we? That's we. Me and Daryl Summers.

Whatever. Whatever. I went on Hey Hey eight times. Back then, diversity, they had an ostrich. That's what they used to say. A pink ostrich. It's orange too, the ostrich. Hey, there's two gay men up here today.

That's something. That's something. The comments like these... That's why you weren't invited, Dave. I'm just trying to figure out if they... Carl's just up here genuinely reading the new idea I know

What a podcast I'd listen to there's an episode you just read out the new idea Sitting around waiting to get his nails done

But anyway how can they call that a party that's a bloody family dinner isn't it Sam Yeah is there anyone

do we know anyone that was invited No it was just family and old friends. Not, you know, showbiz friends, which of course, you know, you're colleagues, but that's wonderful to find out

that you were on the way to your birthday. That's great. Did you see them? Did you see the cameraman? Do you see me smiling? Well, your mum is. Well, your mum is. I got papped at the airport the other day.

Bullshit. Why the fuck would they... Why the fuck would they pap you? Oh, that's Gary Busey. That's Gary Busey. That's not a photo. That's an X-ray, you fucking idiot. I was buying a green smoothie at Dave O'Neill Health Care.

They thought you were smuggling heroin around your belly. It was Chappelle all over again. Didn't I see you in oversized baggage before? No, I was walking along in the terminal. Do you want that? No, I don't want it. You don't want it?

Your wife won't want that. No, okay. I'll take it back to mum. Anyway, I was walking along in the terminal. Do you want that? No, I don't want it. You don't want it? Your wife won't want that. No, okay. I'll take it back to Mum. Anyway, I was walking along the terminal and then Tommy Little and Carrie Bickwell were there and so we were walking along and then all of a sudden Tommy goes, up ahead, up ahead,

and there was a guy holding a camera down by his waist like he had a box brownie or something. That's a reference your parents will understand. Yeah, yeah. And then so Carrie goes, Dave, get in between us. So all of a sudden I had to get in between them to, and then it was in the Daily Mail,

the new idea, and it had, you know, mystery, no, it had comedian. I was yelling out to the photographer, I was giving him story, I was like, who's Carrie Bickmore's mystery man? Like, and then I yelled out, little dump for large. Ha ha ha! Yes!

But, nothing. But we made the paper, so it was exciting. I had a little dump for large. Yes. Nothing. But we made the paper, so it was exciting. What did those two hide behind you? I was going to say, either side of you, that is not a healthy sandwich. Oh, Tommy and Carrie are getting onto that plane. Oh, hang on. Come on. Tommy, Tommy. He's lost seven kilos. Yeah. Ten. on. Tommy, Tommy.

He's lost seven kilos. Yeah. Ten. Ten. Okay, sorry. Ten. Ten. Sorry, light plane.

Ten. Rex. Ten. Yeah, Rex, yeah. I'm under 100. I like the idea that in the lead up, I was very excited and you were going to see these two and Tommy as well. And then you're going.

No, I was very excited to see Tommy Balot. But then your idea was, your idea was, oh, talking's not enough. I'm going to bring in a magazine. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's good, though. That was funny. I'm like Carrot Top. What are you talking about?

Well, you... I'm like Marty Putz. Don't use the prop. You told me that you had a story about you and Sam Pang. That's another story. Yeah. Yeah, no, that was at the chicken shop. We had an incident at the chicken shop.

It was quite embarrassing. Not for Sam. He was well behaved. So we lived near each other. We're actually friends and we occasionally meet. Oh, yeah. How was the 50th birthday party? Name three of his mums.

I've met your brother, I've met your sister, who's a fan of this show. Your sister, she loves this show. What are we doing, just telling people who we know and who we've met? You're trying to impress Sam Pang by going, I know Sam Pang's sister. So we go to a chicken shop, we won't name, we'll just call it the Rooster Bar in Fairfield.

Firstly, can I just point out that when you do have lunch with Dave, when he says, oh, let's have lunch, you don't go to like a... Cafe. A cafe or I was going to say a restaurant. You don't even go to a cafe. You don't even go to a cafe. Not even a cafe. What's that, French?

When you invited me to your party dinner, I said, no, no, I can only do chicken chops. That's what he says. Which chicken chop are we going to? And then you pick a chicken chop and we go, so we've been to a few chicken chops. We've had some good fun at those chicken chops. We have.

You know, my favourite time was when I came in and then a woman recognised Dave. Big fan of mine. Yeah, which was, you know, fucking astonishing. And she was, she had issues because she'd survived an eight-story fall. Oh. But she was walking and talking. Oh, so that's why she's a fan.

Brainy. Yeah, brainy. She had... Yeah, but she was a nice person, but she didn't really know who you were. Yeah, which is fine. And then she came up and she said, Hey, Dave, you know, I can't believe you're here.

Which Dave said, Yeah, I work here, try the chips. Which, by the way, she absolutely believed that you could possibly work in a chicken shop. But also, imagine saying to Dave O'Neill in a chicken shop, I can't believe you're here. I remember you sit in booths and there was a guy that kept turning around and he goes, oh my god, Sam Pang,

I love that show you're on, I love that show and you never ever give him the title, do you? No, if you don't, if you love the show you should know the name of it. He got stumped, didn't he? He was like, you know, it's called, and you're like, yeah, what's it called? And what did he say? But it, oh, you know, he said, you know, that show, you know, it's called, and you're like, yeah, what's it called? And what did he say? Oh, you know, they said, like, you know, that show, you know,

What's Happening Now? All right, mate, whatever. What's been happening this week, I think he said. You're obviously a big fan. What's been happening this week? And he kept saying to his wife, heard her back, she goes, turn around, it's Sam from What's Been Happening. She's just eating the chicken going,

no, I'm not turning around, no way. Anyway, we were at the chicken shop. So I was very hungry. And anyway, so I go, I wanted some dim sims. I go, you go up and order, you're the expert. Hey, I'm just giving you permission I'm fine with the racism Fine, I'm fine And they keep the good ones for you at the back

Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't know how it works Because he's famous Because he's famous Not because of anything else Oh, Mr. Pay! Carl, get the fucking cat out! Jesus Christ! I'm not on TV

anymore, you can't cancel me, motherfucker! Although I might have an audition for What's Happening This Week, Kazoon! What's the hip-hats on the news and that? Mama's cooking can, Tom on the news and that? Mama's cooking can Tom Remember that, eh?

Mama's cooking can Tom Fuck off Fuck off One time I was late and I walked in

and Dave yelled Hey, it's Mr. Okimura What's that a reference to? That's an old Is that American Express? No Karate Kid That was Mr. Karate Kid.

That was Mr. Miyagi. Oh, Miyagi, yeah. Mr. Oktimura is... Neither of you knows what it is. Here's one, though. This is a real tangent. You know, Mr. Miyagi was... Oh, Fuji. The Fuji film.

Thank you very much. Mr. Miyagi was played by Pat Morita. Pat Morita. And he was also nominated for an Oscar for his role in The Cry of the Kid. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. Later played your mum on TV. He went to the party.

Yeah, they had a fly problem. We had to catch him. Pat Morita, before he went into acting, right, in the 50s, was a stand-up. Mr Miyagi was a stand up Mr Miyagi was a stand up comedy didn't he have a name a stage name he did

didn't he have a name no I mean he had a stage name ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage your comedy for the evening the hip nip hell yeah

yeah once again it was a different time back then Dave would say a different time back then. Dave would say a better time. I was the Austrian king. Anyway, Mr. Miyagi was a stand-up Tom. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. Should be both hip and have a slur as a name. The duality of men. So we're at the chicken shop, right? I keep thinking the story's ended. No, no, no. And so there were school kids, girls in front of you ordering.

They've all got brain injuries. Sam goes to order and these three private school kids run in and push in in front of you. I'm like, what the fuck? So I get up and I say to the kids, boys,

you're pushing in, this guy was next, alright, and they're like, nah, we were with those girls. I'm like, fucking bullshit.

Go to the back of the queue and then he starts arguing and I get really angry and I go, go to the back of the fucking queue. I'm friends with one of Melbourne's

top two pedophiles and I'll set him loose on you if you don't clear off. I know two, the top two of Sandpang Sisters. So we go to sit down. I remember you sat down and you go, are you all right? Yeah, because I'm standing in this line.

I don't really care that the kids have pushed in. I'm going to get your Tim Sims for you. It's okay, mate. Meanwhile, he gets up from the booth. And I never get angry, ever. And you never get up. And so... You know what it takes for you to leave a booth?

Love a booth. Can't get on a cruise ship if you don't get up. He gets up and all of a sudden I find myself in this quite surreal moment where I'm standing at the counter. Fuck, we need the Karate Kid. We need Pat Morita right now. There is a fly. Someone get me a pair of chopsticks.

I'll fucking sort that out. And then Dave O'Neill is on my left shouting at children. School kids. Yeah, school kids. I'm 15 at least. Whatever, I'm just going this is just not worth it. So yes, I get back to the booth and go, mate, are you alright? I've actually never seen you so upset. Yeah, I was hungry.

And they got the last M-Sims, those little shit. Don't worry, they weren't the good ones. We thought nothing of it and just whatever. And we had our lunch and then about half an hour later, Sam rings me and goes, my manager just called. I'll read out the message from a distressed mother. Wow. Who said, excuse me, we need to find out who was the overweight comedian

with Sam Pang who verbally abused my child in the chicken shop. And why did I say you don't fucking dob me in, alright? As far as we're concerned, Shane Jacobson was having... Jimmy's with... Who did you want to be?

You wanted to be... You wanted to be... I was going to be Hung Lee. Yeah, Hung Lee. No, I... I'm too. But anyway... Shane Jacobson and the hipnip.

We're hanging out. So, obviously... The woman, the mother worked it out because she went through overweight comedians and went... Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. She said... Anyway, she said,

I'm going to Google overweight comedians. Well, Melbourne. So, you know, she said... I'm going to Google overweight comedians right now. Well, Melbourne. So, you know, Peter Halli would come up and... Jesus Christ. Sorry, Pete. When I rang... Well, they're all going under the bus. Not that they can fit, but...

When I rang Dave, he was so disappointed that the kid didn't recognise. He didn't know who you were. So, anyway, then my manager texts me, have you been abusing teenage boys in a chicken shop? So let's rephrase that. This is what you dream your days are going to be like when you get into comedy management.

Oh my god, I just googled overweight comedians Melbourne. Top three results, Dave O'Neill. Drop ten kilos. Youill. Ten kilos. Yeah. Dropped ten kilos. Mate, you've lost ten kilos. I've lost ten kilos.

It's all fat, though. Anyway, so what happened, like, the woman, I spoke to the mother of the child. Yes, you said to me, don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. That's what you said. Because I said, well, I didn't do anything. I just stood in line. Not according to the mother. The mother of the child, I don't know, she was really upset.

And so I don't know. Just before you did the phone call, did you have something to eat, Dave? Yes. Anyway, she's like, yeah, and she's like, oh, you know, my son was really upset and I'm really upset. And I've got a statement from the manager and I've got the CCT footage. Fantastic. Of you yelling at my child at the chicken shop. Really? and I've got a statement from the manager and I've got the CCT footage Fantastic of you yelling at my child at the chicken shop

Really? Yeah, and she goes and your behaviour was terrible I tell you what, almost worse was the way Sam Pang just stood there and laughed uproariously They're the words she used That's like the final episode of Seinfeld, isn't it?

Yes! This would make a great new Snickers ad. You're not yourself when you're hungry. Only on CCTV, just abusing a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he has his Mars bar and he's lighter, 10 kilos, and on a cruise ship. And I lost them as fans?

Yeah, she said he's telling me he's lost two fans here. And the dad in the background goes, I still like him. And I lost them as fans? Yeah, she said, he's telling me he's lost two fans here. Oh, really? And the dad in the background goes, I still like him. So just to clarify, this man had to ring a mother, and then did you ring the kid as well to apologise? Yeah, well, that was during the day. And she goes, can you do me a favour at 5pm, can you ring my son to apologise to him?

So I'm sitting around with my teenagers for dinner, and I'm like, sorry, go over there. I'm going to go and make a phone call. I've got to ring and apologise to a fucking child. I've got the phone number of a child right here. I've got to ring him up.

I've got to go say sorry for something I did. Excuse me. I simply must call a teenage boy. Hello, Pops. Hello, Puffs. Hey, Puffs. He was a... He was a not...

Anyway, he was just... He was scared by a big fat man yelling at him and he said, I still love Sam, say hello to him and stuff. He was at my birthday. Anyway. How do you apologise to a

child? Because, you know, he was sort of embarrassed, you know, I've got a son that age. He's just like,

oh, hey, girl. I said, oh, sorry for yelling. He goes, yeah, I shit myself. And I just say,

sorry, man, I was really angry and hungry and all that. And he goes, yeah, that's all right. So do you

hang out with Sam Pang much? And I'm like, you know, I just had a chat to him you know and that was what's Ed Cavill

really like did he admit any wrong doing no did he still play a story that he was with the other girls yeah no

see there was no no use going into the kind of facts you know what I mean like but in a court of law you would be successful I hope so

as the it was you know it was a little bit surprising that that chicken shop would so willfully give up their CCTV footage to such a loyal patron with you, by the way. Fuck exactly. I haven't been back since. Fuck them.

Really? You've really done your dirty here. That's pretty unfair. He hasn't been back and that shop has gone under. You've done your dirty here. That's pretty unfair. He hasn't been back and that shop has gone under. How do you think they afforded

the cameras in the first place? Especially one with such a wide angle lens. It's a good chicken too. It's disappointing. The camera adds 100 pounds. It's just a series of fat jokes. A man, at your expense, who's lost 10 kilos. 10 kilos.

10 kilos. Oh, by the way, I just got a missed call from Nick Capper. Oh, here we go. Should I ring him back right now? Because I think probably he's been annoyed by someone on social media, maybe. I don't know how. I don't know what could have happened. Carl, we are almost at the end of the game. Hello don't know how. I don't know what could have happened. Carl, we are almost

at the end of the game. Hello Nick Capper. Yes, yes. You're live at the little Dum Dum Club Nick. I just smashed my nut and I'm currently watching the live episode of ToeFop so...

That's the opposition mate. I'm going to put in two different nightmares. I thought there couldn't be a worse live show than the Dum Dum Club. that's the opposition mate well man we're killing it here nothing but Asian Asian and fat jokes here so yeah man

the hoi polloi of podcasting are here right here so so you're there are we did a lot of people hit you up on social media yeah everyone's

fucking messaging me with pictures of my nut and we've got one of them here on stage as well. Are we allowed to smash it or not? No, no, you can't smash my nut. It's beautiful. It's a great thing.

It is a great prop. It's a great, you know. It's been here since fucking May. Whenever it's in the green room, people send me a photo of it. No, look. Why don't we just... No.

Oh, God. No, look, why don't we just... No, what... Oh, God. Guys, fascism is on the rise. And it's this easy. Why don't we burn the new idea in here? That's a happy compromise. All right, so we're not allowed to smash the nut. I'm guessing from the reaction you just smashed the nut.

No, we didn't. No, it's something you haven't heard. It was a reaction to a funny joke. To call someone up to roast them is so obnoxious. Carl Chandler. Come on, Kevin. ever since he came out Carl's been desperate to smash your nose

I've become so bitchy alright alright Kappa we'll leave you to it then next time we'll go next time oh wow this is so cool I'm experiencing two live podcasts at once

I'm fucking a fat nerd's dream I'm going to go podcasts at once. I'm like in a fat nerd's dream. I'm going to have to go kill myself. Hey, Kappa. I'm going to ride my electric bike off a cliff. Kappa, it's Sam Pang. I've just done ice. And Dave O'Neill just did ice cream. Yum. Yum. And Dave O'Neill just did ice cream Yum Yum

No, tink your lights, whatever Alright, alright, we're going to go See you Kappa See you Kappa Bye Kappa I'm having such a better time than I thought I would It's good It's good on here

It's good Yeah it is It's great Great audience Oh yeah this is a special one Because you know what My mum and dad are here And they've never

They've never come to anything And they never even come down to visit And I said Sam Pang's on this podcast They're like What time's the V-Line train Take off They look They don't look like they're like, what time's the V-Line train take off? They don't look like they're enjoying it that much. It reminds me of when I go and see my

daughter play violin at school. It's a lot of looking at the watch going on. I don't know how they couldn't be enjoying it. I've given them the best seats in the house next to the dunny. Oh, they're way at the back. Wow. Hello, Mr and Mrs Chandler. Hi, Mr. Wow. Well, hello, Mr and Mrs Chandler. Hi, Mr and Mrs Chandler. Hi, Mr and Mrs Chandler. Are you proud of me yet?

Is it okay? Is it going all right? Oh, they've gone. They've gone. Okay, they've gone. They're on their iPad looking at you. Actually, my daughter is here as well, and she said... Blanket.

Blanket's here. Is Blanket still here? She said she wanted to come up and say something on stage to me. Oh, God. She's sound asleep. She's asleep. She's asleep. She's 13 years old.

She's a proper listener of this show, then. How old's Blanket, am I allowed to ask? She's four. Wow, we had the perfect warm-up for a four-year-old doing comedy. Nick Capper on the phone. It doesn't get much better than that. I imagine that is a lullaby. Don't smash my nut. She's scared the fat man's going to yell at her.

That's why. To hell with that fat man. Well hey, something we've been talking about on the show a little bit recently Oh, oh, oh Oh, Mr Chandler You're right Do you want to come and say something to Daddy? Do you want to say something to Daddy?

Hello Nugget. What was it? Hello Nugget. Hello Nugget, she said. Give it up for Sam Payne's mum, everyone. My cow's a human. It's so wrong. It's so weird.

This is like the Polar Express. It's hard to look at. It doesn't make a break on the computer. Uncanny Valley shit. Can you say that again? What did you ask me? What did you ask me? What did you ask me? Can we go home now?

That's what the audience is saying as well, by the way. It's all right. Do you want me to... I'll bring you back to Poppy and we'll go in a minute, all right? Is that all right? Hey, just to paint the picture, that's beautiful. Oh, wow. Isn't that beautiful?

As Little Blanket was carried off stage by her father, she just looked at me and said, Wake up, Jeff. That's a bit weird. That's a bit weird. She thought I was Macapacker from In the Night Garden. Do you live under a bridge? That's Macapacker.

How is she going to explain that to the psychologist? Luckily there's a recording of it. She might need to. That's a good one. Why does your dad call you Blanket after the daughter of Michael Jackson? That's a very good question. You'd have to ask him. I have no idea.

We've got a couple of other things to get to. You've got a cute kid, by the way. Thank you. As Dave O'Neill said before the show, wow, she's adorable. Not a lot of Carl in there, is there? I did say that. She's hot, like me.

Hopefully. Melbourne's number two. Thanks, Tom. Thanks, roadside assist. You'll always be number one to me, Tommy. Yeah, but only because we've lived together and you've seen what goes on. So yeah, quickly, I talked recently on the podcast

about friends of mine went through a breakup. My friend found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. He came around to pick up his stuff from the house. He left one thing behind. It was a piece of my artwork that he had bought and he just didn't want it. And then we've since heard of other people who've split up who had this bit of artwork in their house, right?

And I feel terrible that maybe this artwork was a bit of a curse. Yes. He was bestowing this upon people. So I wanted to try and recalibrate the balance here a little bit. So I've made a new print that I think is going to help people in their love life. It's like a lucky print. So I've got some of these here.

Is this why you're wearing a scarf? Because you're an artist now? He's gone full Greg Fleet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The worst thing you've ever said about me. Considering we've got one of the best painters on TV here, it's... That's Sam Pang.

No. Sure show. That is racist. So, look, if there's anyone... Sorry. No. If there's anyone... Sorry. No. If there's anyone here who's in a new relationship or unlucky in love or wanting to take that next step,

you can have one of these prints and hang it in your house and hopefully it's going to... It'll be good luck in your love life. Because you tried to design this as the opposite of your old artwork, so this will be good luck for the relationship. The other one was cursed. Not by anything I intentionally did. I thought you were going to say, this will be good luck for the relationship. The other one was cursed, okay? Not by anything I intentionally did. I thought you were going to say,

this will be good, full stop. I thought you were going to say that. So this is the good luck one. Now, it's me as one of those little fortune cats, and you can tell it's me because it's wearing the cravat. And the fortune cat is jacking someone off, and there's also a four-leaf clover down there that's covered in cum. It's got one of is jacking someone off. Yeah. And there's also a four-leaf clover down there that's covered in cum.

Yeah. It's got one of the lucky Japanese coins, and I changed what it says on it to it's the Japanese for the word cum. Oh, yeah, that's good. And then just I've got a horseshoe up my ass. Okay, that's lucky. And then just as I was Googling lucky things, I found out that ladybirds are apparently really lucky,

so there's a ladybird trying to suck me off down the bottom of it. Jesus. You got Mr and Mrs Chandler? I'll take one for blankets childcare. So what? I wanted to get it blessed as well. Get it sort of so easy. Happy birthday, Sam.

Ultra lucky. Get that away. I'm wondering, Sam, you're like a beloved, you're a beloved figure of entertainment. You're a beloved personality. People love you. You radiate positivity. Would you mind signing this?

Not a fucking chance, Tom. Fuck, maybe it is cursed. No, of course. Whatever you want. What am I doing? Put your signature on, then it'll be officially blessed and we can give this out to someone. And then we can keep up with their relationship and check in

and make sure that they're all good. So who's in? Don't we need to know that bit first? Who's in a situation where they are hoping that it goes to the next level? These are a young couple. How long have you guys been going out? Seven years. That's a while couple. How long have you guys been going out? Seven years. Seven years?

Seven years. That's a while, actually. You're all right. You're all right. Just write your signature in illegibly. This could blow back on you, mate. Yeah. That could make the new idea. How do you say that to the teenage boy you abused at the chicken shop?

Is there a newer relationship in here? Oh, over there. How long? Trav. How long? Trav. How long? Trav. You know, it's like pretty racist

but I'll give it a go. What? No, hang on. Are you... Are you... Are you... Are you... What is your story?

That's the yarn winner, Maitreya. Are you answering a question that we didn't ask? What the fuck's happened there? Are you in a new relationship? Oh, yeah, I'm just trying to...

He's like a football coach. Just... Are you... M new relationship? I'm strong. There's... He's like a football coach. Are you in a relationship? I'm pretty fresh. Is the person here? No. Do they know about the relationship? They are aware. They're aware.

All right. Okay, let's see. How long? A month? Two months? We're talking about a month, all right. Okay, let's see. How long? A month? Two months? Yeah, we're talking about a month and a tick, yeah. A month and a tick. A month and a tit, I thought he said.

Where is he? Where is the person you're talking about? She's at a hurt house. It's a start. Fuck, I wish she was here, by the way, don't you? Just to find out what the fuck she's doing with you. So is it official? Is it like a boyfriend-girlfriend?

Not on Facebook, but... Okay. Facebook. Not on Facebook. The great... Alright, well, this is good. Yeah, this is fine. That'll be fine.

Do you think this could help your relationship? I hope so. If you go to her house... I think we've met the only person less classy than this print. So I think it's fine. This is Maitreya from the yard. I know, I know. I've seen that.

So what should I do? Should I, like, to the couple and then sign it? So this is the ultimate test. If you take this to her house after this and she puts it on the wall and then tomorrow you become Facebook official, we'll know for a fact

that it's 100% the print that's done that. Yeah, you've got to put that as your profile pic, though. That's the deal. All right, so... Get back, Louise. I'll, like, send it... Make it out to them. Yeah, make it out to them.

So what's your name? Matreya. Matreya. Does everyone know Matreya, do they? Okay, he's a regular character. Believe it or not, Sam, this is not the first time we've heard from this young man. He's a repeat offender. He's like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place.

He's a special guest. Who Heather Locklear from Melrose Place always used to get, despite being in the show for five years, would be always a special guest. Special guest, absolutely. Hey, alright, so how do you spell that? He's like Dave O'Neill in Have You Been Pagan. Yeah, exactly. Like, one-off.

How do you spell that? M-A-I-T-R-E-Y-A. Wow. M-A-I-T. What? R-E-Y-A. Who made up that name? Your parents or?

Yes, Dave. Oh, I can answer that one. It's a weird one. Yeah. What? R-E-Y-A. R-E-Y-A. Matreya, what's your month, month, girlfriend for a month and a day?

Do you know yet? Maya. Maya. Maya and Matreya. Maya and Matreya. Matreya and Maya. Sitting in a tree. This is made up.

Is it M-A-Y-A? Okay, hold on. That's fucking gay, bro. That's gay as shit. It's Carl Chandler. That's gay even for me. Good luck. Good luck for them.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck in love. Yes. All right, well, yeah, we'll send that off. We'll give that to you. Also, to Mum and Dad, don't say her name is waiting

to pick you all up out the front right now if you want to leave and beat the rush, by the way. I just got the text message. You might have to tell your parents who don't say her name is. Look what Sam's written. Here you go. Do you want me to do it in French?

To Maitreya and Maya, good luck in love. Ando. Yeah, great written There you go Do you want me to Do it in British? To Maitreya and Maya Good luck in love Ando Yeah great There we go Alright I'll get this to you At the end of the gig

And I've got I've got a few of these Here if anyone else Wants to like Have one after the gig as well 50 bucks each Pretty cheap That looks like

That actually That piece of art From you Tommy Looks like Maitreya have one after the gig as well. 50 bucks each. Pretty cheap. That looks like, actually, that piece of art from you, Tommy, looks like Maitreya if Arndo had painted him. Well, I did have to, I took this into a, I sent this off to a printing place in the city that I've used for comedy festival posters and stuff before, and I,

in the email, I was like, man, I'm so sorry that this is a rude one, and the guy wrote back and went, no worries, mate, you should see some of the shit we get for hens parties. Oh, yeah. This was a step down. Right. Nice. I'd better go to the abattoir.

Yeah. I've got a fucking shit going on. All right. I reckon that's about it. That's about it? Yeah. All right. Well, give a big round of applause.

Sam Payne, Dave O'Neill. Thanks guys. Tom Ballard. Thank you. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Yeah.

And they've done it again. Our catchphrase. Say your bit. Oh, Bernie kicked a big one. Yeah. Sorry, I forgot I don't listen. Well, well, well. Haven't we sorted the weed out from the chaff? Yeah, only the real talking dum-dum heads.

Anyone here never listened to talking dum-dum before? Yeah, a couple of people. Yeah, great, cool. Our tech came up to me just then and said, like, man, that was great. All the pedo and racism stuff, it's right up my alley. Just like when you hear what you do sort of, like, reflected back at you. God, it paints a brutal picture. A few people have come and taken prints from me.

A few people who are in situations. One lady came and got one. She's in a four-year situation ship. Oh, situation ship. Situation ship. How does that work? What do you mean? What does that mean?

Do you not know what the term means? No, but maybe no. What do you tell me what you think it means? Well, situationship, so it's not a relationship. So you've sort of been, like, just rooting for four years. Is that what it is? Yes. And I can...

Oh, we're in the front row. Is that what's going on? Is it you guys? No, no. Oh, cos then... because that was you, and then this guy, was that you? You came and were like, I'm in two situationships. I'm like, you're only getting one print, cunt.

I'm not giving you... Also, I'm looking at you, cunt. You're not in any situationships. Hey, don't disrespect one of the patrons of my art like that. No, yeah, so if anyone else does want one at the end of the gig... But the condition is if these situationships develop or if the thing that you're in progresses, we need to know about it.

We need to know that this is having results out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to hear... Hang on. If you are still rooting, please let us know. Please let us know. Please let us know. Send us a video. We can send it into the Daily Mail and get 50 bucks from it.

Here's some hot goss for you. Two people fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they looked at my picture of a cat with a big dick. And the cat is me. Wearing a little cravat. X-tree, X-tree. Hey, we have a guest for Talkin' Dumb Dumb this afternoon.

A very special surprise guest. He might be the biggest fan that we have of Talkin' Dumb Dumb. He's always messaging us after every episode. He's never listened to it, but he's still the biggest fan we have. Yeah, he's in a bit of a parasocial relationship with the hosts where just because he listens every week, he thinks they're his friends and thinks he used to live with one of them. Anyway, please welcome Tom Ballard.

Worst intro I've ever received. And I just got the slap on the arse in the way. We're in a situation ship now, motherfucker. I'll give you one as well. This feels good. This crowd ship now, motherfucker. I'll give you one as well. This feels good. This crowd's good, man. We got rid of the people who weren't fucking completely fucked. You guys are good.

I like it. Now that your parents are gone, you can really fucking... I know. You can let loose and say some C words. I know, they've gone. Did you talk to them? Did you get any feedback? Yes.

No, Mum just said I had a very good time. How do you remember it all? Yeah. I did. It is a weird thing because she'd been... You know what? She's been to two podcasts, both Dave O'Neill. Oh, right.

Because she went to the Maribor one. Big effort. Yeah. And then she's come to this one. So she just thinks it's just us and Dave O'Neill every week, I think. Yeah. I mean, it's not far off. Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty excited about this. Yeah. So she didn't get to meet Sam Payne. But anyway. That's a shame. But no, I said to her before, I was like, things get a little fruity. And hey. No.

No. No, actually, this is literally what happened this afternoon and I walked away from the conversation. I didn't even contribute to this at all because I didn't want to hear the answer. And I said, they came down a couple of hours ago, they were in my house, and I said, and they were talking about the show,

looking forward to it, and I said to Mum, just be aware, because she doesn't listen or anything like that. She's not aware. Yeah, yeah. I said, just be aware, things she doesn't listen or anything like that. She's not aware. Yeah, yeah. I said, just be aware, things get a little rough.

And my dad said, there you go, love, don't you like it rough? See, this is why you stick around for Talkin' Dumb Dumb. You hear who's been rooting from the main episode. They don't need a cat dick poster. That's what he said and I honestly didn't know how to read it and I walked away. I was like, no further questions. Wow.

When's your brother coming to a taping? About the same time some other guests were coming to a fucking taping. No. Okay, this has all been a great... I don't want to have to do any editing. Let's get off this. Yeah. Without a good strike rate so far today.

Yeah. Believe it or not, believe it or not, I actually cut stuff out of the episode that got in the papers because of a man talking about smoking meth. Yes. Plus, Moony started naming names. He's like, cunt. Fucking hell.

So, yeah. Sorry? We love the Moon Man. We love the Moon Man. Okay, worth yelling out. Probably not. I had a little semi-daily male moment last night. I was here at the Basement Comedy Club.

Isn't that your love life? The daily male? There we go. It's like... my Daily Mail moment last night I was here at the Basement Comedy Club Roe McManus was on the line Isn't that your love life? The Daily Mail There we go It's like Oh M-A-L-E Yeah How droll

The The lateral violence within the queer community is really fucked up It's like mate we're all part of the same team I know Thank you for being so welcoming.

We face the same oppression. I know. Bag it. Wow. That felt so good. You're allowed to say it now. I'm the manliest man up here. What a travesty.

Oh, yeah, you dropped your little cravat yeah it was getting too hot it was making my neck hot and I didn't like that I was on last night here at the basement comedy club awesome gig

it was so fun last night thank you no you killed you crushed you crushed you were a killer anyway it's great despite the guy who runs it no and um It was so fun last night. Thank you. No, you killed. You crushed. You crushed. You were a killer. Anyway, it's great.

Despite the guy who runs it. No. Great crowd. Lots of young people. John McManus was on. John. John. What's his last name?

Sorry. John Live. There we go. He was there. I saw John Live live on stage. Yeah. Wow. And there were a bunch of young people. I need a joke referencing buying drugs because that's the hilarious wacky stage

persona that I have where do I come up with this stuff you're very method, you're always doing your gear in real life as well, it's weird it's wild anyway these two girls came up to me afterwards I said buying drugs for 350 bucks, these girls came up to me

and said mate if you're paying350, you're getting fucking ripped off. Okay, then they said, where's Ro? We want to give him drugs. Yeah. And I said, what the? Yeah. So I don't know if it happened, but that could have been a day or two. Were those the two strippers that were right onto him?

Were those two? Yes, in that corner down there. Yes, yes, yes, I believe. It's a, in that corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, I believe. It was a big night for John. Yeah. Totally. Totally. He was not turning gay

for anyone last night. I guess we found out the answer to your question. Who would you turn gay for? Yeah. Malarkey. John, it's time to bring back the show and have me on

as a guest. I've got the perfect answer. You thought people hated it when Kevin Rudd said he's white. Yeah. I can one-up that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. Did we want to do this bit? We had a bit... We actually left a lot out of that show, out of the normal show just then. And we had a bit that we were going to talk about. If you get Dave onto chicken, it's all over. I know. You've got to wipe the schedule, man.

I can't wait to listen back. I feel like I blacked out. I looked at my watch and all of a sudden we've been going for 55 minutes. Just hearing the one story about a chicken shop. Does anyone else feel like they're an interstellar? I've gone through the wormhole. Blanket's like 28 years old now. What's happened?

Yeah. I truly don't know where that time went. Honestly, she never naps during the day and she fucking slept through that whole thing. Time flies

when you're being homophobic and racist. Yeah, I cannot wait for some of you cunts to send that into the Daily Mail. I cannot, I cannot wait for some of you cunts to send that into the Daily Mail. I cannot wait for that. No, fuck, I'm genuinely scared about Mooney.

Mooney has not... We haven't heard a peep out of him. But he can't be angry at you. No, I think he can because he's Lawrence Mooney. Oh, I see. He's not the most rational person I've ever met in my life. Yes, I've been on the receiving end of that particular anger. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, don't get angry at me for your choices, Lawrence. Yes. Yes. Oh, well, this will help. Anyway. Did he expect you to take it out? No. No.

He said nothing. We didn't ask. Yeah, he didn't ask. And it's funny. It was very funny. And we called back to it like a hundred times. There'd be nothing left in the episode. Yeah, we've had a couple of those episodes where people have gone,

we're going to talk about this and we go, don't talk about that, that sounds bad. And they go, no, we're going to talk about it. And they talk about it for half an hour and then a day later they go, can you cut that out? I'm like, you motherfuckers.

And then someone did that once actually, didn't they? They told a half hour story on it and then they went, cut that out. And we're like, oh, fuck. And then we saw their festival show the next year and it was in there. Like, oh, so you left it in there but you took it out of ours, you mother...

Trevor fucking Noah. What a piece of shit. What we were going to mention to Sam Pang, so Sam Pang couldn't make it because he's busy upstairs having a beer. Even though Neil just, Neil just said to him do you want to come and do this and started explaining

talking dum dum and I went no I am available well you're here later but there's a gig after you so you've got nowhere to fucking go yeah that's true

actually I've got Sam's 50th birthday from before from before yes from before Actually I've got Sam's 50th birthday From before From before Yes From before So We were going to talk about

How literally Did anyone watch the Logies When Pang hosted Yeah Fuck it's going well Yeah Just three people Yeah

Love the Logies. He wrote a lot of that himself, but he did ask other people, other comedy writers, to help out and submit jokes. So that's what happened. And I chucked a bunch of jokes at him and got a few up and whatever. So we were going to do some of the jokes that we thought of

to him that he rejected. Yeah. So maybe, why don't we do this? It's the jokes that Sam Pang rejects. Yes. Yes. That makes Gretel Colleen the best. He did really well. I thought he was very funny.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, totally. Did he do any of your jokes on air? Yes. Okay. Yes. So why don't No, totally. Did he do any of your jokes on air? Yes. Okay. Yes. So why don't we... How about this?

We read out some subscribers of Patreon, and to every subscriber we do a joke. Oh, they get a joke? They get a joke. Yeah, like a little Christmas bonbon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like way worse. Yeah.

Merry Christmas. Dicko, what a cunt. Yes. Good on you, Nan. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Dicko, what a cunt. Yes. Yep. Good on you, Nan. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Oh, fuck. Well, anyway. I've got four jokes left. Let's just do four this week. All right. So, hey, thanks to everyone who subscribed via Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Guys, any Patreon subscribers in the house?

Yes! Fuck yes! That's still not all of you. I'm not happy. But thank you. You get bonus episodes, all that sort of shit. Let's read some names. Let's see if anyone's here tonight.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Julian Jordan. Julian Jordan? Oh, JJ himself. JJ? Yeah. Double J. It's just the way I like him. Is that a bra size?

I don't know. I don't know. Is that a thing? No, it's Double J, the radio station you listen to, you old cunt. Oh, okay. Tits. J's would be big tits. I've never listened to double J.

I've actually never listened to it. Is it when they get too old for double J, do they go to single J? Yeah, and then.5 J. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Are there any other Julians in the audience? Any Jordans in the audience? Is Michael Jordan here tonight?

We're the Michael Jordan of comedy. But when he played baseball. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. You're the Michael Jackson of comedy. Yes. One of the greats. We like to separate the art from the person.

One of Melbourne's top two. One of the Neverland Ranch's top two pedophiles. That's good. Who's the other one? The monkey? What? That would be weird if the monkey got taught that. The monkey was like trying to pick up

younger monkeys Is that the joke you gave to Sam Panky? No, no, no That's fresh off the stone That's roofing baby That's for the next Logies That's if Michael Jackson

gets nominated for the Gold Logie next year That will work If he gets the job as the host of Better Homes and Gardens, we can use that.

Still beats Grand Daniel. Give us a joke for JJ. Now, these are real jokes that you submitted. You actually said, hey, here's a funny joke you could tell on TV and Sam said, no, thank you.

Yes. No, thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you. Reading, thank you. No, thank you. Reading this joke made me angry.

Osher, Osher Goodensburg. That's how you pronounce it, yeah? Osher Goodensburg? Is this part of the joke? No, no, no. That is a good intro to a joke about Osher Goodensburg. I can't. How do you pronounce this?

I'm asking you. You know, you're a fellow name changer. I don't know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, we all do meet up and the first step is to tell the room of people how you pronounce

your new made up name no I'm saying that's good as it is just getting Sam Pang up there with Logies Osher Gunzberg's here is that how you fucking say it yeah yeah

next joke that's good that's good Osher Gunzberg is up for Gold Logie he hosts The Masked Singer that show is not for kids my kid cried

when he saw one of the scary faces on it. I had to say to him, hey, it's just Husey. See, Sam would never publicly admit that he has a child. Oh, right. He's got to keep that out of the press. Too private. That's why.

Well, that's for you, JJ. Julian Jordan, that rejected joke, the joke not good enough to be said by Sam Pang, but good enough to be said by Carl Chandler, is for you, JJ. Julian Jordan, that rejected joke. The joke not good enough to be said by Sam Pang, but good enough to be said by Carl Chandler. It's for you. No, thank you. Thank you. Thanks, JJ.

Thanks, JJ. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Yes. You're a great subscriber. Never forget that. Never forget that.

I think I reference this every time we're in this specific room, but we're in the basement comedy club And during the main pod I kept looking at that window that's behind us Where you can see people at street level And just fondly remembering the time Husey was on stage and there were some people looking in the window And he turned around and he went

Come on down it's Husey I reckon that's maybe the 80th time We've told that on the pod still good still good getting a response still good never forget that

it's a terrific yarn never forget that this is well we're at Basement Comedy Club this is a true story so this is like this is a small-ish club

so this is 150 capacity it's not that big compared to the big rooms down at Town Hall for Comedy Festival there's like usually Hughsey does like a 300, 400 seater and I rang him up a couple of months ago I crunched the numbers and went is 150 capacity. It's not that big compared to the big rooms down at Town Hall for Comedy Festival. Usually, Hughsey does a

300, 400 seater. I rang him up a couple of months ago. I crunched the numbers and went, Hughsey,

if you play this 150 seater, you'll make more money if you play Town Hall for 400 people. He went, I'm in.

Why might that be? Because Hughsey needs his yield. Hughsey needs his yield. He's the only comedian in the country that can get last

by being a millionaire and making more money as a punchline. Yeah. It's so good. It's so good. Be careful. He's going to buy this pretty soon and take it from you, Carl. Yeah. Carl, I've got a couple of names for the door tonight.

The Valuer. You're going to be Hugh's tenant. That would be good. You must want to kill Hugh. He's a landlord. He owns property. Boo! Yeah, he's going to have

to give rent to you. Yeah. What? What? Because you're booking the venue. He's doing his show here. Oh, yeah. He's going to have to pay

your rental fee for doing his show here. I thought we were still in the fantasy land where he owned the building or whatever oh sure okay next name edit point

I wasn't funny next name edit point I smoke meth beep cut that out thanks JJ thanks JJ

thanks Giorno fuck those people that left this is good shit Thanks, JJ. Thanks, JJ. Thanks, Giorno. Fuck those people who left. This is good shit. Fuck mum and dad. Well, your dad will be in. You're doing it pretty rough. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Thank you to Christopher Hook. Okay. Now we're talking. Yeah. There we go. That's something. Hook. Mr. Hook, I presume.

Is Mr. Hook here? Yeah. Is the captain here? Yeah. Yeah. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Great film. Never seen it. You've never seen Hook? Never seen Hook? Hook? Yeah, never seen Hook. Is that from the movie Hook? Yes.

What do you think it's from? I don't know. I can't believe anyone remembers anything out of the movie Hook. That's the thing. That movie fucking rules. It has magic and has captured my childhood. Turn the projector on. Let's get the screen down.

Let's watch Hook. Does it hold up? You think it's problematic? Yeah, I don't know. Is it good if you think it's like problematic well yeah I don't know no is it like good if you watch it now yes

okay ask and answer I haven't watched it for a little while Robert Williams Dustin Hoffman Emma Thompson's in there there are all these

weird cameos I think Helen Mirren's playing one of the pirates and stuff there's a giant fucking crocodile of course you fucking like it.

It's about Peter Pan, some cunt that never had a job and never grew up. I just like that... And all those lost boys. I like that you listed all the impressive cameos that were in there

and one of them was a crocodile. Wow. How'd they get crocodile? Well, also, Kylie Minogue is the fairy, right? No. No, that's... Julia Roberts.

That's Moulin Rouge. That's Moulin Rouge. How do I know more about that than you? You're gay! Julia Roberts is the fairy. A wonderful film. Wonderful. Alright, alright.

Starring, Patreon subscriber, Christopher Hook. Yes. C. Hook. Captain Hook. In the title role. That makes sense. It's a all right. Starring patron subscriber Christopher Hook. Yes. C. Hook. Captain Hook. In the title role. That makes sense.

It's a doco. Yeah. That makes sense. All right, well, Christopher Hook, you get a joke for that. This is Sam Peng saying this. Do the voice. And the eyes. Help!

Help! Do the eyes. Carl! Carl! Do the eyes! My one chance to get on the Daily Mail. I'll just selfie myself to get on the... It's good to know that he is still here. That's not him, is it? Yeah, it was actually him. Was that Pang then?

Yes. Oh! Oh, fuck. Pang just yelled out, do the eyes. Pang just yelled out, do the eyes. Pang just yelled out, do the eyes from the stairwell. Oh, did he go back up? Yeah. Oh, damn.

All right. He could have heard these fucking jokes. Anyway. He already has. He said no. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he would have heard them get laughs. Yeah.

I rejected them once. Isn't that enough for you? Yeah, all right. They offered me't that enough for you? Yeah, alright. They offered me a job on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of There but I didn't want to go

all the way to Africa to have to deal with disgusting, horrible animals but enough about Julia Morris. Meow. This cat has got claws.

That's not going to work. Everyone loves Julia Morris. No, but I don't. Uh-oh. Whoa. Wow, Carl doesn't like a woman in comedy. That's crazy. No, no, no, no, no.

No. We told a story about her once and didn't name her when she did something very bad, but we didn't name her. So you can go back through the back catalogues and figure that one out, but yeah. Did she know that? Did she know that? Did she know that you told that story about her?

No, but she knew that she did it to me, so yeah. Oh, I see. The story's about something bad that she did to you. Yes. Okay, great. That's weird for you to hang onto a grudge. Yes. It's my first one.

It feels good. I might try this more often. Next joke, Julia Morris. What a piece of shit cunt. It's weird Sam Pang didn't want to do that. Well, anyway, that's Christopher Hook's joke now. That's Christopher Hook, yeah. That's not mine.

You can use that one You can trot that one out Are we saying that these people now have the licence to this joke? Oh, they own the joke, yes Yeah, they can pass it off as their own If they go to some sort of award presentation night They can use that joke Right

Yeah, yeah Just up at their best and fairest night at the footy club Yeah, they actually asked me to go on I'm a celebrity, get me out of here Yeah, yeah You can believe that? Yeah, I do You can believe that? I do.

Also, Julia Morris. Thanks, Hookie. Thanks, Hook. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Liam Barber. Liam Barber. Yeah. I wonder what his ancestors did for a living. Cut hair?

That's my guess as well. In this quiz show that we're in now for some reason. Both of you are tied for first place at the moment. Wow. I can't believe we were both right. I hope the questions get a bit harder. Liam Barber. What?

What? Pardon? Mate, feel free to yell out. We've got nothing. Anyone got anything funny to say about the name Liam Barber? Tony Barber. That is funny. Good shit.

Another person's name. That's always... That's one of the many tricks of the trade that we use here in our magical toolbox on Talking Dumb Dumb. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's it. What's that?

Magical. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. These people are just self-sourcing at this point. There will come a point where you won't need to do shows. These people will gather in rooms and just do callbacks for an hour and a half. And it will just carry on beyond your desk.

Yeah, you could very easily AI us, our show, but without AI. Like, you just... We just say, oh, what about an elephant? And these guys go, oh, the elephant did a big cum out of its trunk or something. It's like, yeah, that's what we would have done, actually. That's pretty good. The audience are basically, you know those things that, like, doctors will sometimes have on the desks? The, like, row of, like, of little balls where you pull one up.

We come on at the start of the hour, set it going, and then they just take care of themselves. We're the duck drinking the water. Yeah, exactly. Duck sandwich. Sandwich. Duck sandwich drinking water. Duck sandwich. Does anyone else know any other words that might be comedy?

Yeah, yeah, nice. Yeah, that might be. Did you submit duck sandwich as a joke for Sailor Peg to do it? No, no. Do it. No, no thanks. That would be good if you got a writing gig and you could work like Duck Sandwich into a TV show. I'd love it.

Absolutely. I was having lunch at a cafe with Julia Morris the other day. It made me sad in a way. Because she's a bitch. I did not write that one. I wish I had. I wish I had known. I'm sure I've told this before.

I was having lunch with Lawrence Mooney once and there was like a well-known, beloved media personality near us having lunch and we got out of there. Oh, I have to say the names, but you're not allowed to, you don't get to say the names? Well, but it's,

because you'll see. So it's like, so then we walk out and he's like fucking was just going off about the fact that this person had been sitting near us and I'm like, everyone loves that person. How how can you not what's your issue with that person and he goes they ignored me once yeah yeah yeah doesn't take much no no no um all right i got i

got a joke what's a good joke for liam liam bar. Liam Barber. This is for you, Liam Barber. Thank God You're Here is back, where people walk through a door completely unprepared to do a job they have no idea how to do. Like Ed Cavill when he does comedy. Wow, all of a sudden the Julia Morris one is looking like a loving tribute.

You want to fuck her. No. I just thought... I love Ed Cavill. He's funny. I just thought that would be funny. Sam might get up just to get fucking Cavill. Yeah, they love that kind of stuff.

Because didn't Cav have a joke about Sam at one point? Yeah, he stitched him up good. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Well, Liam Barber, there you go. Liam Barber, that's yours. Bust that one out. Exactly. If you ever meet Ed Cavill, you's good. It's good. Well, Liam Barber, there you go. Liam Barber, that's yours. Bust that one out.

Exactly. If you ever meet Ed Cavill, you can say that to his face. That'll go really well. Maybe you can sell that to Sam Pang next Logies

and say, I think you forgot about this one. I would love to see you on Thank God You're Here. I think I'd be okay go You're a cunt What the fuck's this shit I'm busy

Fuck you all This is bullshit No end cunt No end Killed It killed see See I think it would be great

I'd go a bit harder than that But whatever I would I'd go Did you go on it You didn't go on it No I'd love to bit harder than that but whatever I would I'd go did you go on it you didn't go on it no I'd love to do it yeah

oh well yeah bit of fun isn't it bit of pretending a bit of pretending just imagine you put on a little funny costume you go in there

I know you walk through you're dressed as an astronaut you're like oh what could it be yeah what could the scenario possibly be

you'd be good at it you'd be alright Tommy Dasolo yeah there you go proof's in the pudding well if they're only giving me a softball question like that

you'd be good at it you walk in and the scenario is you're on thank god you're here you'll be good at this won't you and you're like yeah I hope so. Are you guys going to start giving me some better feedlines or something?

I need a bit of help from the ensemble. Come on, Ben. Help me out. Just being there, it's just you. The mic picks you up just whispering into Ben Russell's ear, I'm begging you, give me some bigger softballs. I'm really freaking out also so you're

talking about Ben Russell's he's part of the ensemble cast part of the show Ben Russell part of the background crew

or whatever in there what I liked about that there's a listener of the show here tonight that

told me there was some after party after it and they were watching a show or whatever and the listener was

here was at the viewing of it, and saw Ben Russell, and it was like, Ben Russell, he's been exposed that he's going to be part of the ensemble class. He's like, please don't tell anyone. It's like, as if anyone gives a fuck that Ben Russell is in the background of Thank God You're Here.

Well, I'll tell you who gives a fuck about people finding that out early. Working dogs. Yes. Yes. Well, yeah. We better edit this out or we'll never work with them again. We'll never get to be on, what's it called? What's Happening Now.

Yeah, yeah. What's Happening Now sounds so 70s. Yeah, it really does. What's the lowdown, dog? Yeah. I mean, I'm still holding out hope for the late show. I want to be on Baja, so, you know. I mean I'm still holding out hope for the late show I want to be on Baja

Yeah I want to be on David Tench tonight Is that them? That's not You know what's funny? Remember when we did that Our first ever live podcast in Sydney And we get Andrew Denton on and we're like oh my god we got Andrew Denton on And then basically he walked in and we're like Yeah what about fucking David Tench tonight

That was shit wasn wasn't it? Oh, cool, nice one. I don't think we were quite that funny about it, but yeah, broad strokes are all there.

Yeah, I mean, that was two years in. We're 12 in now. We're a bit tighter. We're a bit tighter with it now. Well, anyway,

thanks. Liam. Was that just Liam Barber? That was still Liam Barber, wasn't it? That was Liam Barber, was it? Oh,

thanks, Liam Barber. Good on you. We've, wasn't it? That was Liam Barber, was it? Alright, alright. Thanks, Liam Barber. Good on you. We've got the stenographers working overtime on this one. Yeah. Okay, thank you very much to Patience Subscriber, Paul Harvey. Paul Harvey. Yeah.

Any thoughts about that as a name? These names are too funny. We can't pop them. Yeah. Peter Harvey. Peter Harvey from Peter Harvey Canberra. Harvey Norman. Harvey Norman someone yelled them. Yeah. Peter Harvey. From Peter Harvey Canberra. Harvey Norman. Harvey Norman someone yelled out. Yeah.

They're all other names. You're right. You guys are correct. The imaginary rabbit. Harvey the rabbit. That film Harvey. Okay. The guy who has the pretend rabbit.

Yeah. Harvey Weinstein, your hero. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, pupil, thank you. Come on, don't get it twisted. That's how you got this role in the little dum-dum club, wasn't it, through Harvey Weinstein?

Yeah, yeah. Sucking off an old man to get on a podcast. Hey, work for me. And I appreciate it. Yeah, that's comedy. A lady came up to me in the break and said that she's been listening to this since she was 15 and she's just recently moved to Melbourne from Ireland,

from the Irish countryside. And I jokingly said, did the little dum-dum club inspire your move to Melbourne? And she's like, honestly, a little bit. Oh! Wow. Has she got her passport on her right now? You can be whatever you want over there.

Gay, bad at comedy. Even oriental. Wow. Wow. Even Oriental. Wow. Wow. Oh, we've had a history of troubles and conflict in my country, but it's nothing compared.

Yeah. Don't put it up with underdumbed. This is brutal what you've got over here, the comedy famine. We get up and do stand-up. Oh, the troubles Was happening again Milan your spotlight Can you please

Don't buy me a drink But can you just get a drink For me off the bar Please No no no No Milan No

No no no No no no Milan get Carla a drink And just take it out Of your joint account Can you just get it Off my tab please Just vodka soda please Double please No, no, no, no. Milan, get Carla drinking. Just take it out of your joint account. Can you just get off my tab, please? Just vodka soda, please.

Double, please. Yeah. Do you not know what his name is? We used to date, you motherfucker. He was standing next to you on the float at Mardi Gras. Yeah. If anything, I shouldn't be naming you. I should be calling you, don't say his name.

Yeah, I'd love an XBA, please. Okay. I'll be your XBA. Yeah. Extra perfect anal. Thank you. There we go. There we go. There we go.

Thank God you're here. What's that? I heard someone say... You go on Thank God You're Here, but your only experience with improv is crowd work. So they're just like, oh, thank God, we're about to blast off to the moon, and you're like, any birthdays in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just walk up to a bunch of astronauts and say, what do you guys do for a living? You'll just go to his anal and say, thank God you're here, you guys do for a living? No, I think you'd be like, you'd just go to his anal and say, thank God you're here, let's do anal. What?

We're all pirates. I'm here, I'm going to fuck you in the ass. You have to go, yes, Ed. Yeah. Did we say this

on the pod or was this just in private that, I really feel like it's like, if you're Hamish Blake and you've done that show so many times and you're so good at it, they should make the scenarios extra hard.

It's like he's waiting to go in and they just put on a clan hood on him and then it's like push him out the door. It's like, there you go, mate. You're so good at this game. Make some comedy out of that. Thank God you're here. We're negotiating these Israeli hostages. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they should. They're tuned in and they're like, we've given Hamish the hardest one we've ever cooked up. Yes, and then they give us a go finally. We walk into the dick sucking factory and go, hold my calls. Finally.

Finally. So hang on. At the factory... Yes. They're making the dicks to be sucked? Or they are sucking the dicks out? You come down to the factory and you get your dicks sucked. You're never going to be on that show. Stop.

Stop blocking me. Come on. Milan's right there. Is that the one? Grab what? I'll grab it. I'll grab it. I'll grab it.

Thank you, Milan. You're sweet, motherfucker. Thank you. Milan, everybody. Milan're sweet, motherfucker. Thank you. Milan, everybody. Milan, everyone. Milan. Milan won big at the casino last night, by the way. Milan is an extremely good casino player.

Whatever that is. What do you play? What do you play? Shark and dick. Okay. Hey, mate. That is not a game. Okay.

No, roulette. Is it roulette? He won big at the Chippendales. Yeah a game Okay No, roulette He won big at the Chippendales Yeah, yeah Is it roulette that you play? Yeah, yeah Yeah, he's good at roulette He's really, really good at roulette I don't know how

I don't know how you get good at a game Do you want to say how much you won? No Okay So pretty high It's a lot It's a lot He won a fucking lot

I think you should prove it No, no, no No, no, no. No, no, no. I told him. I told him he's allowed to bring in a small portion of his money because he was like, I'm going to bring it all in and go fucking crazy. I'm like, I do sound like I'm in a relationship with him now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You two, when you argue, you're so cute. You told me the other week you were starting a new gig in Daylesford, and now it all makes sense. Do we do a joke for that last one? No. What was his... Paul Harvey. Oh, yeah, Paul Harvey. Paul Harvey, right, right, right.

How do you... I mean, you don't really need a joke with such a funny name. Yeah. Sounds like a newsread such a funny name. Yeah. Sounds like a newsreader of some kind. Yeah. This is a hard one, because I don't know how to pronounce the name of it, which is a bad... It's a little...

Fly on the ointment of joke writing, where you don't know how to say the words, but... Pronounce what? This name. The name for... This is a rejected champagne logy joke can you

yes can you just whisper how to pronounce this name into my ear so I can oh my god in front of your boyfriend don't you

not into the mic into my ear so I can say it okay you want me you want me to pronounce yeah that that's the first name this guy's name I don't know how to say it. Okay, you want me to pronounce... Yeah, that's the first name. This guy's name?

I don't know how to say that name. Okay. Do you know their gender? Yeah, it's a lady. Okay, I thought you said his. I know who the person is. I don't know how to pronounce it. It's Julia Morris.

No! Okay, okay, great, great. Thank you. You're welcome. That's helpful. No worries. I'll. You're welcome. That's helpful. No worries. I'll just write that down. The Bachelor, the Masked Singer,

Osher Gunzberg is like the Ghislaine Maxwell of TV. Look, he's not directly responsible for any of the horrible stuff happening, but he is facilitating it. And Sam didn't want to say that on TV. That is the one, you know what, so Sam came down and tried out all of his jokes here at Basement for the Logies,

and he did word for word all the jokes he tried out here at the Logies, except for that one. He tried that one here and then went, I'm never fucking saying that at the Logies except for that one. He tried that one here and then went I'm never fucking saying that at the Logies. Now are we how many names have we done?

That's four. That's four. Four thus far. Right. Because I've got I've got a joke that I wrote for Sam Pang as well. Yes.

Can I do it for the next Yes you can. For the next name? Yes. And then we'll do a few more after that. Well if time permitting.

Sure. Yeah. Sure. We've all got to head off after this to the dick-sucking factory. Remember when they shut down the Australian dick-sucking factory and offshored it to Thailand? I like working Saturday nights at the dick sucking factory. You get penalty rates if you know what I'm saying. Penalty rates.

Time and a half, baby. Yeah. Well, thanks, Paul Harvey. Thanks, Paul Harvey. Okay. I'll say sorry, Paul Harvey. Thanks, Paul Harvey. Okay. I'll say sorry, Paul Harvey. Why sorry? He got that joke.

That was good. It even got pronounced properly and everything. How did you use to pronounce it? Did you say Jizz Lane? I kind of thought it was that. Yeah, it was Jizz Lane. It's fair enough. And also sort of like, you know,

make sure it looks like I don't have anything to do with the whole situation. Yeah, I was going to say, no one's, you know, make sure it looks like I don't have anything to do with the whole situation. Yeah, I was going to say, no one's buying it. Oh, who is this? I don't even know. I just saw the name on Google. What's this plane I was on? What?

All right. Thank you very much. Number five this week. We'll just do... This might be it. This might be it. We'll see how we go. This might be it.

One more name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... Oh, my God. This seems to be like a... Some sort of... I'm not sure. It doesn't seem to be a person. It almost seems like an ad for something.

I don't know. Do you need help pronouncing it? I need help writing it, but yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... Thank God you're comedy. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. So wait, they're aware of us. They support the show. Yeah. Thank God you're comedy. Yeah. Yes.

Oh, wait, so it's not thank God you're here. No, they're two different things. Oh, it's a different show. You know when people have different names, they're different people. Yeah, okay. Same thing with this concept. So what's this? This is obviously like a cheap... You know when people have different names, they're different people. Yeah, okay. Same thing with this concept. So what's this?

This is obviously like a cheap... Obviously. Don't look up what obviously means in this context. I think this is the tie knockoff of Thank God You're Here. Oh, sure, sure, sure. How ironic that your improv around this name is bombing. No, that went well. No, it did go well. It did go well.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. Okay, well, here's a joke for Thank God You're Comedy that Sam Payne didn't want to do. Love on the Spectrum. Love on the Spectrum, very popular show. People love watching Love on the Spectrum. Love on the Spectrum, very popular show. People love watching Love on the Spectrum. Not for me, honestly.

If I want to watch disabled people have sex, I'll just watch maths. I think the reason he didn't want to do that was the very Jay Leno-esque writing of it. I love it. I love it. You see this, Kevin? I just looked out and saw a lot of people shaking their heads. Oh, really?

Loudly exhaling. Really? That's funny. It has been a big afternoon, hasn't it? It has been big. But let's do another five names. No, let's not do that. All right, let's wrap it up there, guys.

Thanks very much for listening. Big round of applause for Tom Ballard. And we'll see you next time. See you, mates.