The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 688 - Brett Blake & Nick Capper

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

We've travelled down the coast to catch up with BRETT BLAKE and NICK CAPPER! Brett is the latest victim of Tommy's cursed artwork as his relationship has broken down and he's now living in a tent (where we've recorded this weeks episode from). It's a red hot hour of our stock-in-trade: punching down. We also chat about a man on a jetski waiting around for the love of his life, a garbage man picking up on the job, and Capper's mouth bleeding for some unknown reason. It's good to have mates! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Brett Blake and Nick Capper. And hey, if you enjoy this episode, maybe you would like to vote for it in our end of year best of poll. It is up now across our socials, so get onto the Twitter or the Instagram. Find the links at littledumbdumbclub.com. Or Facebook, Tommy. Or Facebook. How could I forget my beloved Facebook? Get onto any one of those places, you'll be able to find the link to vote for your favourite episode of 2023. How exciting.

What are you voting for, Tommy? I'm voting for next week's episode that we're going to record after this. I'm voting for it. I'm making a donkey vote because I have big penises. Yeah, yeah, that's funny stuff. Thank you. Until then, enjoy this new episode with Brett Blake and Nick Capper. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Oh, g'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nick Capper and Brett Blake. Yes!

Yes, TV's own Brett Blake. I don't know if you've looked at the coffee cup over there. And also, hey, the third main character on this podcast, the great outdoors. That's it. That's it. We're doing... Look what your painting has done to my life, cunt. This is a rare alfresco edition of the Little Dum Dum Club

where it's like a live show except without any audience. Yep. We are outside. We are... What's the background, Brett Blake? Can you fill us in or should we fill everyone in? You can fill everyone in. Okay, so this is what I gather.

So, you've just mentioned Tommy's... That's what you always want, Carl telling your story in his own words. Yeah, this will end out real positive for me. Anyway, you've just mentioned Tommy's... That's what you always want, Carl telling your story in his own words. Yeah, this will end out real positive for me. Anyway, you're all dumb cunts. Sorry, I'm just trying to punch up your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, you can start by whacking some more tent pegs in this thing.

So, we just had lunch down the main street, we packed our shit up and got up to leave, and just this very businessman-like approach where we all get up and we're like, all right, let's go kick our friend while he's down. Hey, Dan, what are you talking about? I've got three different types of coffee machines over here. We're skipping too far ahead. We're jumping ahead. Sorry, sorry.

Let's explain where we are. We're on your balcony of sorts. Balcony, okay. Porch, porch, backyard, balcony, living room. I would say annex. En-suite toilet, office, kitchen. You are living in a tent at the moment. Now, what's happened is Tommy Dusslow's painting, his print has ruined your life.

You had it up in your house with your partner that you live with. Well, we talked about this when I talked about the cursed print, and we've mentioned it a couple of times. But no one said it to me yet. Mysteriously, someone else we know who had this hanging up and had recently gone through a breakup. And we can now confirm that that was you. It is me. And now I have nowhere to hang any painting on any wall.

Because we are outside. Maybe that tree over there. You don't have any walls. I don't have any walls. I could do an etching on the inside of that fabric if you want this to go to shit as well. Also, it's not a tent, please. It's a camper trailer. Man, you did a good one before we started.

I go, is there another beer in the Esky? And you're like, oh, I don't have the beers in an Esky. I've actually got a real fridge. And then just took the beer out of a bigger blue Esky. That's powered, mind you. Is that one of those Eskys that's got the internet on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy, do I have egg on my face.

Not often do you get kicked down by Nick Capper. I know. Fuck my life. I know, yeah. If everyone would be living in a tent, I definitely thought it would be me. Yeah. I definitely thought it would be me. Absolutely.

You know what you are? You're George and Elaine. One year ago, you weren't married. You had cancer you were down and you were up yeah and now well that was the the worst after the breakup because kappa was away in japan and he let me stay on his couch which was nice of him but i just look remember looking at instagram and he's like on his honeymoon having the best time ever and i'm living on his couch no one's home and you're still on the couch.

They're like, we don't want his bad juju in our bed. You know what? It's like having to sleep on Kramer's couch or something. Like, fuck, how have I got this low? Take a night in the bed, Brett.

They'll never know. Yeah, I know, but you've got to respect people's boundaries and it's actually a very comfortable couch. Hey, he's looking back on the couch now

and going, fuck, those were the days. Excuse me, this is a double bed I have in here, and I'm right on the fucking ocean. It is nice. It is nice. We're in a caravan. We're in a caravan park. Yes.

Down the beach, way out of the city. Beautiful. Took a rook. Took a rook. Beautiful. Should we dox your campsite? Give out your address. Well, by the time this goes out.

Not the address, give out the site number. Let's just say I'm very close to 69 and it annoyed me. I can't see any mailbox there, so I don't think they can send him any fucking death threats or anything like that. There's no postal delivery. You can come around for a beer. I'll be here.

But it is, look, it's a nice day for it. We're in a caravan park. You're living in a a nice day for it. We're in a caravan park. You're living in a tent, whatever you want to call it, in a caravan park. Camper trailer. It is. It's facing the ocean. It is a nice day for it. You look at your decisions, all your life decisions at the moment, and they sort of line up and

they're okay at the moment. But you've done a lot of worse days than this. Like, on a nice day, great. Great life decision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On a bad day, this is a rotten life decision. It's great

until that storm came through. That wasn't fun. No sleep and the whole thing was flooded. Didn't you come home from a gig

and half your tent was in the ocean? Yeah, yeah. This portion, the part we're in. The living room. Slash kitchen. Slash balcony.

Slash room. Sorry, do you guys have a million dollar view from your house? I'm the piece of shit over here. No, no, no, sorry. Yeah, but we do have a house. Yeah, you've got me there on a technicality. What is the definition of a house? You know, something that's a white shelter.

You've got a home. I've got a home. My house looks onto a 40 wings. It's probably worth at least a million dollars, so that's a million dollar view. Okay, that's a million dollar view. That's true. Yeah, if I want to kill myself, I just walk in front of a car. You know what I mean?

You can just walk into an ocean. You know what I mean? You don't have to traumatise anyone but fish. Yeah. Guys, there is a highway very close to here, Phil. Thank you. I'm going to walk around the other campsites and they ask if they've got any rocks you can borrow to put in your pocket.

That's embarrassing. The worst part is, it took a real set. I love that idea. He lives outside, Tommy. I don't think he needs to borrow any rocks. Knock, knock. Are you saying the man with leopard print jeans has never had any outdoor references? You are copping it off Raggedy Ann at the moment.

I'm surprised they let you fucking in. Let him out? We're not in anywhere, to be fair, Brett. That's true, yeah. Get him out of the outside. Did you kick someone out of Mother Nature? I don't know. Yeah, no.

No, but we did drive in. It is a lovely day for it. So it's a good decision at the moment. There are a lot of people in this campsite that do look like future Brett Blakes, I have to say, driving in. Yeah, it was very hard to find your campsite because we couldn't see the numbers. And also it's like we can't even rely on just being able to see him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no giveaway. Sorry, is that another 50-year-old looking man drinking? No, that's not Brett. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a 50-year-old man drinking. Is that too old or is that just Brett after a week of being single? Yeah, yeah. I've somehow made myself

more of an alcoholic. We just got to look out for the one who's watching himself on ivy. It's like a suicidal Where's Wally? Where is he and is he still with us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even the sadder part was cooking dinner a couple of nights ago because the where is he and is he still with us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. That's great.

Even the sadder part was like cooking dinner a couple of nights ago because the barbecue broke, so I just had to cook a meal in a sandwich press. Oh, no, that's what I was like. I was like, yep, things are going pretty good. That's what I love. I want to hear more about this because you did offer us. You made us a spread. We ended up eating on the way here, but we missed out on the spread.

I know, apologies. But you did offer us. That's very nice. You offered us a sausage inside a Jaffa maker. Yeah, I said later I can do a hot dog for you. But yeah, I have to cook in the sandwich press. How do sausages go in the sandwich press? Mate, at the end of the day, every cooking is just adding heat, and that has heat.

So true. So anyway, sorry, my toast that has sausage in it has just popped. I actually didn't have a lighter yesterday to start something, so we turned the toaster on its side. Come on, Brett, butter your sausage and let's have it. You have been... You were more of a four or five guy with sausages. Just put it in the sun.

You know what I mean? That's adding heat. Yeah, yeah. No, it does the same thing. Slow cooked. I used the sun. It took eight days, but it is just falling off. I've got a 48-hour slow cooker.

If you keep bullying me, there's a lot of other alcoholics around here that will jump in for my defense. This is a very good setup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You, last week especially, you were very active on the Instagram stories. Yes. And I just was thinking like, my God, if I worked at your management company, I would be calling up and being like, Brett, can you stop promoting that you're living in a tent?

You're making the company look bad. Also, I think they liked it because they're like, well, this is on brand for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like you did. You did, as time of recording, you were on Will Anderson, friend of the show, Will Anderson Show, Question Everything. Oh, man. You know? I do like you did. As time of recording, you were on Will Anderson, friend of the show, Will Anderson's show, Question Everything. Oh, man.

You've got the coffee cup there. But even if you hadn't have been on that show, that's probably a good message to be right in front of you as you're sitting here in a tent saying question everything. Guys, I'm actually crying right now. Let us know if you've got an inspection from your landlord, Ray from Tent City. PCF's going to swing by.

I think that's all the ones I've thought up. You really have to Google what is camping. So you went up to Sydney last night or the other night to do question everything. You put all your stuff into your little bindle. A train was going past and you ran onto the train? Did you get someone else to help you on the

seesaw train thing on the way up? Fuck my life. I knew this would happen. I was like, you know what? If I put on a nice spread they might go easy.

You suggested this. Well, only because I didn't want to fucking leave the beautiful campsite. Yeah, it's true. This is the because I didn't want to fucking leave the beautiful campsite. Yeah, that's true. This is the look on your face every time we come up with a new one. I can see you go to snap back and then you go, no, you've actually got me. So I can't go too hard.

Normally I'm happy to just dust all day, but I'm like, you fucking got me. I'm just going to call it a day over here. Yeah. No, I mean, this is, look, this is a blessing for us, honestly. Because, you know, we get near the end of the year. I know. We've got to bank a few of these. We haven't done much in our own lives.

We've just been sitting inside with carpet and air conditioning and gas ovens and things like that. Oh, you don't cook a meal in a sandwich press? You're a fucking loser. Only sandwiches. Sorry, la-di-da. I'm sorry. I've also got a jet ball over there.

I can make you a cup of coffee in 30 seconds. Oh, nice. Yeah, all right. Have you caught a fish yet? You are literally like 50 miles from the water. Surprise, surprise. I picked the campsite that is directly across from a bar, and I've spent a lot of my time there.

Yeah. The great indoors. Yeah, the great indoors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's beautiful. It's nice to have a toilet that flushes. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah.

Can I have a drink? And also, can I use your shower? Sorry, we just saw a man having a shower in your sink. Don't mind me, boys. You don't happen to have a working sandwich press, do you? 8.30 tonight on the ABC. Check it out. Mate, it was such a good thing because they fly you over.

You're in the lounge and then you're on a TV show. Everyone's like, would you like a coffee? And then you just come back to a campsite at 2am in the morning. It was... At 2am to find your tent in the fucking ocean. So you were on TV last night, so you were, in some ways, you were at least in a house last

night. I was in a lot of people's houses. The digital version of me was in a house. Must be nice! You're in 600,000 houses, except yours. Ironic, I couldn't even watch it because I don't have a house. Must be nice. You're in 600,000 houses, except yours. Yeah. Ironic, I couldn't even watch it because I don't have a TV. Yeah, I did watch it.

I thought it was weird when you went down the barrel and said, if anyone watching is in Japan and has a spare couch I can sleep on, please let me in. Yeah. But look, you're looking at the negatives. Let's focus on the positives. You know, look, the ocean's there. That's quite nice. Yeah, it's awesome. Got cold there. That's quite nice. Yeah, it's awesome.

Got cold beer. That's quite nice. There's a guy who is driving around, riding around on a mountain bike with no shirt. You'll see him soon. These are the positives.

I know we pulled up to his tent first. We thought that was you. So, yeah, we did half an episode before we realised it wasn't you. That'll be on the Patreon

in a week's time. This guy's just slurring racial things. Anyway, Brett, what's going on? I do love... Brett's better than usual. You being on an ABC panel show last night, which is like a great leg up to get,

like a great thing to do in comedy, and I love it because it's so like, you know, like the myth of every... You know, if you're a band being played on Triple J, you must be rich and just, you know, and like so many bands in that position still have other jobs. You can imagine someone who's just started comedy

seeing Brett Blake on the ABC last night and being like, this guy's made it, he's hit the big time. And then you're heading home from the studio and sleeping in a tent. Well, it's not that easy, boys. Camper trailer. I will not say it again. Tent people are a different breed, okay? They see Blakey going back to his tent and they go,

oh, that's where the seven cents a day is going to the ABC. Just seven cents on he's a con. That's it. This is how much I was telling, like on the panel, I think I did riff about how I'm living in a tent and they all laughed because they thought I was joking. I was like, no, no, no. I actually, I really am.

I know you'd expect me to be doing jokes on this comedy panel show, but I'm just, I thought this was Australian story. By the way, this spread you put on for us, is that from the green room the other night? I stole it. The green room had a shower and a couch, and I was like, can I just move in here?

I'll be on next week's episode. Will Anderson's written on my chair. The call time was like 2pm, and I was there. They go, God, you're here early. I was like, well, I had no other option. It's just nice to be inside. So organized. That's good.

Brad was here at 6 in the morning. Some would say he slept at the studio. No, genuinely, this is awesome. Like once we pulled up, I was like, yeah, this actually, on a day like this, this rocks. Don't anyone send me DMs saying if I'm okay. But I'm just in between houses So I'm just like

Well I may as well It's a holiday time So I may as well get a few rays Have a few beers Yeah Yeah besides when the storm came It's been pretty good It looked

Look today is the best of it Because it's like Oh my god We would do this now But last week When you were telling me about it And coming down here And the storms were coming

It was like This is the fucking Most insane idea Yeah Because I When I set up on the first day i was like fuck man all my friends are fucking idiots i am a genius and then i was even going to dad i'm like man i think i'm just gonna camp full time yeah and uh and then cut to 2 a.m when i'm trying to rope down the rope down this tent oh yeah i'm trying to rope it down i was Oh, yeah, trying to rope it down. I was like, fuck, I'm a fucking idiot. This is a fucking dumb idea. Because it's not exactly waterproof.

No, I told my wife, and she's like, and as the storm's coming in, she's going, should you ring Brett? I'm like, I don't know if ringing him and laughing down the phone line is going to help. Oh, Carl's laughter has held this tent right up. Oh, you know what makes me feel good at 2am when I'm

feeling like shit? A phone call from Carl Chandler. Worth it all though to be a beautiful two hours and 15 minutes away from the airport for when you have

to go to Sydney. Oh, that was the brutal thing because I had to do the trial last week and then I, so I was like, I got,

I had to get up at 4am to drive to the fucking airport because it's two and a half hours. Yeah. Fuck my life. Because where we are, we're on the other side of the city from the airport.

Now, I've always... It's just me and Andy Lee down here, mate. Different setups. Different campsite. Yeah, he's in a different campsite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different price bracket. I've always seen that.

He's got a powered site. You know, I've always wanted to see someone that goes on that... And a toilet. He's got a toilet. Whoa. Fuck, you could actually go around and go, can I live in your toilet? That would be better. I've always wanted to see someone that goes on that toilet. He's got a toilet. Fuck, you could actually go around and go, can I live in your toilet? That would be better.

Man, the actual ablution block down there is pretty nice. Oh, nice. It's got a roof. It's pretty good. You are very close to the longest bus ride in Victoria or maybe Australia or something like that. Oh, not Australia, but in Melbourne. There's a bus around here that goes to the airport. It's like a fucking four-hour bus ride. That is. Oh, not Australia, but in Melbourne. There's a bus around here that goes to the airport. It's like a fucking four-hour bus ride.

That is. Oh, really? From right up at the end of Portsea all the way down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. And it stops at everything and goes through the city and stuff. It's like a four-hour. You could drink on that one.

Fuck. Hey, honey, can you drive me to the airport? No. All right, I'll get the four-hour bus then. I'll just actually... If you lived down here, you would be on that bus. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's it.

I bet it'd be so weird that you could just do, yeah, four hours. Wouldn't you just get- If your tent flies away again, you could just get on that bus and go to the airport and back again on rotation. Yeah, do a loop. Just sleep on the bus. Sleep on the bus, do a lap, come back. No, it's beautiful down here, guys.

I think you just got to enjoy the- It's pretty funny because I was like, oh, this is so Yeah. No, it's beautiful down here, guys. I think you're, you know, you just got to enjoy the... It's pretty funny because I was like, oh, this is so cool. Like, you're creating a narrative. You know what I mean? You're getting material. It's so good. And I came and I was like, Brett's just going to sit around here and drink. He's not going to get any fucking work done.

He's just going to call all of us. I don't have a show to do next year as well. So I'm just like, yeah, guess what? I've woken up and now I have a beer. There's a lot of equipment here. I can see there's a little power board that's got a lot of stuff plugged in. Can't see a laptop set up anywhere. Can't see the home office.

The world is my laptop. I'm out here. You could have gone to Brett's house before he fucking moved out here and there would have been a laptop charged into you. I'm still at the front drinking. It's just a different place. You're just getting a tan now. That's all.

Beautiful. But then it's funny when you got here, man, you were like, oh, look, yeah, look, I might have someone to meet me at four. There's a guy, a comedy booker who just broke up with his girlfriend that is riding his jet ski to come down and see me. And I'm like, the material begins. He doesn't even need to write anything down And I'm like, the material begins. He doesn't even need to write anything down.

You're like, this is great. It's always good getting a message. Have you got a jerry can down there? Because I might run out of fuel by the time I get to you. You do have our permission to run off and meet this guy. Well, we can see him and hear him from where I am. Sorry, mate. It'll be another half an hour.

It's getting choppy. This is the most theater of the mind episode we've ever done. We're really painting a picture for people. I wish you guys could see it. Is there some sort of like daily men's depression

meeting or something like at four o'clock or anything around here? This is it. This is it. We are doing it right now. People are gathering around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, I just want to point out that I was on site F before and now because I'm a local, they've upgraded my site. So this is the nicest site you can get around here. You're site B now, aren't you? You're a B-grade celebrity. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I'm A slash B. Thank you. So things are going pretty well over here. They must have seen me on Q&A last week. Yeah, you've got to send – Question everything, whatever it's called. Get them to – Q&A.

Going on Q&A. What do you think about Palestine? Well, before I get into that, I'm living in a tent at the moment. I just hope you keep the site nice and clean and tidy so you can move up to site A with bananas and pyjamas next week. Gaza Strip, I'm living in it. This is my own war zone, an emotional war zone. Look at a Palestine going, must be nice.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're both getting bombed right now, I'll be honest. And I feel like I'm in the worst situation. Oh, God. So the cursed print that you bought from me, it's currently in storage? It's in storage. Well, I listened to the episode and I was like, fuck. I think I called you.

I was like, is that the one I got? It's the cash one, isn't it? Yeah. So I opened up and I was like, fuck, I did have it. So yeah, this is all your fault. So thank you. But you weren't game to bring it down here with you? Tommy, when you're camping, you have only so much things you can fit into a car.

And something that's A4 size is not going to come. Well, you could if there was a caravan here that had a couple in it. Yeah. And you wanted their spot. You just go and you just kind of lay it up alongside there. No, no, no. They break up. The site's yours.

I'll put it there so then the guy would have to leave and then I could move into the caravan and that's an upgrade. Yeah, exactly. It would be interesting if Blakey kept it and put it up in his tent just to see what else he's got left to lose. Fuck, someone stole my barbecue. Fuck my life. Fuck, the sandwich press doesn't work anymore.

Now I'm going to have to heat the hot dogs on my engine. My car engine. That was a man trying to figure out what else does heat. My engine. To be fair, I put myself in Tommy's brain and he got to an answer before me. And what's funny? Well, finally, you'd have a use for that laptop. Get it to overheat.

Open about 14 different programs and then just cook it on the back of the screen. Oh, man. The worst thing was when I was helping Brett get all his stuff into storage, I felt bad for the guy. I was like, you know, this rocks. It's partly my dream to fucking, you know, just start life again. Yeah. I just love all that shit.

Shout out to Kappa's girlfriend who listens to this. Hey, wife. Wife, sorry. No, and his girlfriend. They both listen. That's good. Everyone loves that when they're going through a breakup, don't they? A mate being like, oh, man, I'm jealous.

I remember going through that. I wish I wanted to kill myself too. That devastating, that breakup I went through where my partner just moved out abruptly. We talked about it a lot at the time. But I remember at the time Tommy Little going to me like, yeah, but man, you're coming into summer, the best time to be single.

And I was like, that's a very you approach. Yes. I'd rather not. If I was Tommy Little, I a very you approach. Yes. I'd rather not. If I was Tommy Little, I'd be looking forward to coming into winter. Like, whatever. Who gives a fuck?

I overheard Tommy say to another comedian who just broke up with their partner, he goes, mate, you just get eight roots and you're back out there

and you're over it? And I was like, I've never had eight in my life. Yeah, cool. I'll be back out there when I'm 67. Tommy Little broke up with the best looking woman I've ever seen in real life and told her to fucking hit the bricks. I'll be back out there when I'm 67. Tommy Little broke up with the best-looking woman I've ever seen in real life

and told her to fucking hit the bricks. I'm like, I can't relate to your advice. I'm sorry. I love summer. He just says it for summer. You know everyone's just out and fucking in summer. But he did it in that way of really wistful, like, oh, you're so lucky. And it's like, but you're also currently sick.

You're not like a married man who's like, oh, brother. You're my competition, and I'm not winning this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still look like me, even though I'm single. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, ladies, don't worry. It's not a tent I'm living in. It's a camper trailer. Come back and suck me. I live on the ocean.

It's pretty nice. Yeah, I've got ocean views. From where? My tent. Fuck. I've got a Savoy and a cocktail Frankfurt that's only an 80% chance of making you sick. Let's get into it. One sausage or two. I've got to fire up a sandwich for you. My house is on the ocean.

Oh, how far away? No, on. I said on the ocean. It's currently going towards Tasmania. It's floating away. But you couldn't time it any better because Brett's like, oh, look, I'll get this photo of me with Tommy's print. You know, it's funny for the podcast, right, in the storage sheds. And then take a photo of the print.

And then I'm like, you know, this is good. This is good. But then a bloke about my age rode past on an electric skateboard with a guitar in his hand. We've done this before, but storage sheds is just a hub of male depression. Everything is just their blokes packing up their life, and they all want to have a yarn. But the best part is when you open up something, you just see a guy with a 17 electric guitar.

The cause of the breakup. Yeah, and the guy who worked reception, Colin, he was already before I even said anything, Again, depressing that you know the name of the guy at the storage. Yeah, he's actually a real cool guy. No. But he was like, he goes, yeah, mate. Storage guy slash counsellor.

How many boxes of tissues do you reckon Colin's got behind the counter, by the way? Well, this is how we started the conversation. So I go, yeah, just like, you know, I want to get a locker or whatever. Yeah, he goes, yeah, it's tough, isn't it? And I was like, what's tough? And he's like, you know, it's just all tough. And, you know, what size? I'm like, oh, yeah, three-quarter garage.

He goes, yeah. And look, you'll get through it. And I was like, I hadn't even told him I'd been through a breakup. And two minutes later, I was like, yeah, she took the cats as well. I'm putting you in locker number 131116. 131116. If you forget the number, just maybe put it in your phone. Hang on, they're all numbered this.

I couldn't figure out why they took my shoelaces as I went in there. Wow, how observant of you, Colin. It's like you can read my mind. He's like, no, you're crying while you're scrolling Tinder. We've got you an electric car. You're going to have to leave your other one here. We don't trust you with an exhaust at the moment. Do you reckon this site is a lot of that?

What's the percentage of single men that's had a change in situation? Because it's a bit early for family holiday time to have taken over. Well, this is hot debate around the site, and me and a few of the locals have got fired up about it. Ah, good. The locals. At the neighbourhood botch meeting. Yeah.

I've had a few yarns since I've been here, and the thing is you notice it's quite an empty site, and me and the locals get annoyed that a lot of people, they book the site months and months. Oh, the bloody out of towners, not the locals like you. Yes, exactly. The city slickers, they book it, and then they don't actually use the site. A man who lived in Richmond until last week.

Yeah, yeah. Mate, I've got a hat with corks on. Yeah, I can see your ball with a face painted on it. What do you think, Wilson? Are these out-of-towners coming in? You're like, who are you talking to, Brett? There's no one around. I'm having yarns to people.

He hasn't even got a deflated beach ball. How depressing. Yeah, but there's a lot of blow-ins come in, we call them. So you've got to be a local. You've got to be mid-breakup. And that's any, like, just families coming to have a nice time. A lot of boomers. A lot of boomers.

A lot of boomers. But they like side F. It's a little bit quieter. People don't like side A and B because it's close to the Eurobar. Oh, the thing. Yeah, the hullabaloo. Yeah. I cannot hear you due to the noise, Brett.

Can you speak up in the microphone? It is wild here. We're in the Fitzroy. We're on Sukhumvit Road right now. It's nice and pumping. Or, yeah, for people who like barley, we're on Poppy's too. Yeah, you don't want to go to side A and B. The bloody Brett Blake's over there.

He's partying until around midnight. I actually was last night. I got told to keep it down. Oh, nice. That was good. When you got back after leaving it up at the Eurobar across the street. Yeah, I think it's called Soul Bar. They had an open mic night last night.

It is weird to hear there's no caravans next door to you when we pulled up and you're just blaring system of a down on your sound system. This is not what we come on holiday for. Yeah, the bass is turned right up.

I keep it clear. That's how you get the good side. Sorry, you went over to your local. You went over to your local. Yeah, I had a few drinks there last night.

Met some more locals. It was great, yeah. But there's a lovely couple over there. They've got a bus. They have not spoken to me once, even though I've tried twice. And what was your review of the bar

you said last night? The worst looking people I've ever met in my life. Oh, it was a sea of fucking ones in there. Jesus Christ. And that's coming from a two. Hey, double is attractive. Yeah, that's true.

Imagine going to a bar and I'm the best looking person there. Yeah. And still not picking up. No. They. Imagine going to a bar and I'm the best looking person there. Yeah. And still not picking up. No. They still wouldn't have a bar of me. God, man. Yeah, that's a fucking hard story to hear.

Two people in a bus wouldn't talk to you? See, I'll cop it from those two, but not you. Two people in a bus. Sorry, we've got to get back in the bus. Yeah, you're one ex-podcast listener away from this being your life. Actually, Cameron might be in the best social situation of us all

at the moment. He's a newlywed. He's on top of the world at the moment. It's fucking disturbing for the rest of us. He keeps flashing that little fucking ring near me. Yeah, mate, it must be nice. We've been used to that, but not in this costume. The man that doesn't own a belt.

Oh, we've seen the ring effect. The man who has the longest ass crack in the world. You can see it out of the top of his T-shirt. He's been engaged in not buying a belt. I bought one at Kmart the other day and it didn't fit me, so I've taken it back off. It didn't fit? How did you small it too big? Yeah, how does a taken it back off. It didn't fit? How did you...

Is it small or too big? Yeah, how does a belt not fit you? It's supposed to make other things fit you. You've got to put an extra hole in it, so it's just not... Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, I don't... Go do that. That ruins it then.

Okay, well, you've been... Sorry, you've been relegated down the fucking ladder. If you're taking something back to Kmart, you're not top of the fucking social ladder anymore. I know, I didn't take it back. I couldn't be bothered. Oh, okay. Hang it up beneath him. Check this shit out.

Read it and weep. Yeah, yeah. I'm't be bothered. Oh, okay. Hang it up beneath him. Check this shit out. Read it and weep. Yeah, yeah. I'm wearing a belt. He's wearing a belt. Yeah. For people not here, which is all of you. I forgot that this isn't visual, given that all we've done is talk about what we're sitting in the middle of.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, what we can see. We've got to do this more often. Yeah, this is good. Yeah. Maybe this should be our new podcast studio. Yeah. Let's just hire a campsite. Yes. Hey, Hughsy, can you come do the pod. Yeah. Maybe this should be our new podcast studio. Yeah. Let's just hire a campsite.

Yes. Hey, uh, Hey, Husey, can you come do the pod? Yeah. This is going to be a 90 minute each way commute.

This is studio. This is actually, this is the fourth time we've done live podcast on the beach or next to the beach. I mean, the other times we were making a lot of money in front of Koh Samui for hundreds of listeners, but this time it's just in front of a man that doesn't have a girlfriend. All right. I'm going to fucking kill myself. Tommy, of Koh Samui, hundreds of listeners, but this time it's just in front of a man that doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. All right, I'm going to fucking kill myself.

Tommy, go find the rocks. Yes. I thought that was going to be a brag about the podcast. I was like, oh, no, it's another fucking stupid brag. I saw it coming. Yeah, the dagger was entering. Sorry, I'm just going to go suck on that gas bottle over there. Suck on the gas. Pray for the best.

Sorry. We've been overwhelmed. We're just looking around and describing what we see. Logistically, let's have a look at this properly. It's actually not a bad setup. It is. It's awesome. I've got a kettle.

I've got my coffee machine. You told me you were moving into a demountable or something like that, or did you throw that away? A demountable? Yeah, didn't you tell me they had a little thing? I was probably trying to lie. I was trying to big-note myself. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to roof things. No, but that is a sign of someone that's just broken up. I reckon you told me about four or five different plans, or I'm like, okay, which one of these is actually going to happen? Like, is this just someone spiralling in? Do you want to hear the wild week of events? It was like, because I've always, I love Toyota coasters. They're a bus.

So I wanted to convert, I've always wanted to convert a bus into a, like a camper home, but just on the side. And then I was like, why don't I just do that and tour full time? And then I went, yeah, then I went to, nah, I'm actually going to live down the coast in a house. Then I went to, I can stay in a tent the whole time. And now I've somehow in the middle with a camper trailer. Right.

So, but after the storm last week, I'm like, yeah, I reckon I need a house. Yeah. You're like, man, earlier in the year you rang me, you're like, man, I'm taking a year off. I'm tired of fucking doing shows. I don't want to be stressed. Taking some, you know, time out. And I'm like, that is great, man. That is great.

You've got to make comedy fun again. You've got to make good for you. And you're like, yeah, so what I'm doing is I'm buying a stage and some speakers and we're going to do country gigs. And I'm like, okay, so you want to make ten times more work for yourself. I'm sorry, are you saying a man with ADHD has frantic ideas? Oh, it must be nice not to live in this house. You were referencing this being a live outdoor show before.

What it is closer to is the other time we've done something like this was the episode we did with Adam Knox and Aaron Chen right after the lockdown where we couldn't be in houses yet. So we recorded a podcast in a park. Yes. So right after the lockdowns. And I bet you'd be begging to be trapped in that house now. Yeah. Be the dream.

I actually had to drop something off the other day, and I was like, God, I just wanted to hang around a bit longer. Be under a roof. Just take it in really slowly. Yeah. Just like sit on the couch with the delivery. Can we talk about this briefly? So it's nearly Christmas time,

and your parents, I think you flew your parents over to New Zealand to meet the in-laws, and now they're not in-laws anymore. So the plan was my parents were flying over for Christmas to New Zealand to meet my partner's parents, and we were all going to spend a beautiful Christmas together

for two or three weeks, and we'll all going to spend a beautiful Christmas together for two or three weeks. And we'll go to visit numerous places within New Zealand. Yeah. Um, and obviously the, the breakup and, uh, rang the parents saying like,

look, don't worry, I'll pay for it. I, and they're like, no, we're, we're still going.

Yeah. And the problem is my partner's, she lives in a very small town of about maybe 200 people oh no so and mum's already rang me going can we still go and meet her parents and i'm like yeah do whatever you want who gives a fuck i don't think you've got an option yeah well that's what i also said to my partner i was like you know you're gonna bump into my parents and she's like yeah oh your ex-partner's still going as well. So yeah, everyone's going besides me. Oh, no.

Well, someone's got to look after this campsite. It could blow away, Carl. Someone at one of these blow-ins will get it if I win. Yeah, he's fucking out of town. Maybe if you hang on tight to this tent, it'll fucking blow to New Zealand. You'll get a free trip. Well, my mate's picking me up on a jet ski soon.

Keep going, brother. I've got a jerry can. Let's make it all the way across the bass. Man, do you know what I think? I don't want to rub salt in the wound, but I think they're all just going to have a party without you. They're going to have a big intervention. That's going to be the best Christmas for everyone

because I'm not there. This jet ski thing is reminding me that when I was in my mid-twenties, this friend of mine, this girl that we knew, had started dating this guy, was relatively new, and she had this old friend who was clearly in love with her.

And every guy she'd dated would reach a point where he was like, let's call him Dave. What's the deal with this fucking guy Dave? He's clearly in love with you and she'd always be like, nah, nah, nah, nah. And then anyway,

one time a group of us, including her and her boyfriend at the time, the current boyfriend, we're all at the beach. We're down in Black Rock, which is the other side of the bay from here. And we're sitting there and we just see this jet ski just from the horizon, just getting closer and closer towards us. And then she's like, oh, it's Dave. And she runs over to greet him.

And we're like, yeah, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, she just texted me saying that you guys were all here at Black Rock. And I was just up there in Sorrento, and I thought I'd just head on over. And we're like, you rode your jet ski across the bay to just come and say hello. Was that like an hour? Probably. What do you reckon, Brett? Oh, it's more than a fucking hour.

Yeah. And he'd hit a point where he's just like in the fucking middle of the ocean, not able to see land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, says to the girl like, yeah, do you want to come for a quick ride with me? And she's like, okay. And hops on the back of the jet ski and they just like take off into the distance.

And we're just there with the current boyfriend who none of us knew that well, and we're all there like, ah, it's a crazy old life, isn't it? You might not be able to grip onto my stomach because of my rock-hard abs. You might have to hold my hard dick to keep you under. Her and that Dave guy, now married. The jet ski guy? Yeah, the jet ski guy. Fuck that rules.

Because it had gone on for so long where we were like, look, maybe we're being inappropriate, just being obsessed with the fact that there's something going on. And this was like 15 years later, finally, she's like, okay, I'm ready to admit it.

He's in love with me and I've always been in love with him. Oh, the guy that drove to Tasmania on a jet ski. Yeah. Hey, can I just say something that's never been on a podcast before? Can you chuck me that Aragard over there?

No, no, no. Sorry, I'm just getting bitten by mosquitoes here. Oh, so you pick up the salt, you fucking city slicker. Oh, well, it's out of my view. The snails are getting me. Chuck me the salt. Chuck me the salt. Anyway, that could be you if you want to get her back.

Just hop on this jet ski and ride out to New Zealand. How many blokes did she have to root to fucking make that happen? As in to realise that I reckon... This poor guy, how long was he holding on? Yeah, I reckon there were three or four long-term relationships before she went, okay, I'm ready to... I'm 35. I'm ready to settle.

I'm ready to concede this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep an old mate on the back burner for four relationships or back burner sandwich press, whatever you want to call it. And as long as it's heat, it all works. It's such a brutal... Like, I'm glad I know that story, like, now being a bit older because that's totally the story that you hear

if you've been in that position where you're in love with someone, they're not interested, and you're just at a certain point, you're like, I've got to let this go. But then you hear about a guy like that who just like really sticks it out. And if you hear that at the wrong time and it stays in your brain, you're like, nah, there's the evidence. If I stick to my guns here, I'm going to be able to trick her into falling in love with me. What do you think about this? Do you think that that only happens when the person hanging on is the guy? Or do you think it ever happens with a girl? I can never imagine it with a girl.

I always think, and I don't know if that's... I think women have way too many options. You know what I mean? Yeah, the difference is girls... Whereas guys are very... We're like, fuck, just please. And more desperate. Yeah, yeah.

Girls have their friends around them being like, you don't need him, you're better than that. And guys have their friends around them being like, you've really fucked it here, mate, you're never going to find anyone. Oh, please tell me about that situation. I haven't been in that world for a last hour, you fucking cunts. You're pathetic, you live in a trailer.

That's such a great question to pose halfway through this episode. Yeah, why are men a bit more? We take it better as well. Like, we really land on our feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good copers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I've got the ocean views. Yeah, yeah. Plenty more fish in the sea, literally. You're all good. There's a lot of jellyfish out there as well. Yeah, yeah. I reckon a woman's hung around for a guy, and then just one night the guy's had too many beers,

and then she's... Absolutely. I think that's the... Yes. And then she's just sucked him off like a vacuum cleaner, and then he's like, all right. Yeah, exactly. Okay, I'm in this forever now.

One of my friends was in the opposite of that situation where the girl was in love with him for like four years and he would just be out with other women. He'd even ring her to come pick us all up and all that stuff and then they're married with three kids. Oh, so it does happen. She hanged around him. He's like, mate, through all this, she's the one.

She was there through the whole thing. No one loves me more than her. Why would I be with anyone besides her? She's like, he's like, mate, through all this, she's the one. Okay. She was there through the whole thing. Yeah, interesting. No one loves me more than her. Okay. Why would I be with anyone besides her? Let us know. This can be, maybe, you know, we did this a while ago, our like delayed call-in segment. Right, right, right.

Let us know if you're in a relationship that is the product of one of you holding it out for arguably way too long. Yes. If it hadn't have panned out. Yes. But it's now panned out. Let us know. Let us know if you're the hanger-on-erer. Let us know if you panned out. But it's now panned out. Let us know.

Let us know if you're the hanger-on-er. Let us know if you're still hanging on, and it's real creepy. If you're the hanger-on-er, how many routes you've had to fucking wait through to get to your goal? Exactly. Or if you're the guy, the other side of it, how many routes have you got away before giving in? Yes. Explicit detail, please.

With videos if you've got them. That guy, he's seen her in four other relationships going, fuck me dead. I didn't know, but in his head he's like, I'll win out here because guess what? I've got the jet ski. I've got the ace up my sleeve. So let us know if you're in one of those relationships. Side question, let us know if you're single and you'd suck bread off. I'll let you know my campsite number, 64.

And also, if you're currently waiting it out, if you're mid-situation right now. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. What the current details are. Or if you're in the thing. Or if you have a spare room, let us know.

These are sort of separate things, but we can fold them all into the same. I remember years ago I was staying in a student accommodation place and there was a girl I really liked and we kind of developed a good friendship and, you know, I had a big crush on her. But we were just partying. I bided my time and then one night we were sitting there having a few drinks and I was like, this is what I a few drinks and she um i was like this is what i'm gonna tell her that i like her and she goes um hey uh kappa i just i don't know

there's this guy staring at me on the dance floor can you mind the bags and just went dance with this guy and i was like yeah okay yeah that's That's the sign. That's the sign. Kevin's got to mind the bags. And then I told her years later. I was like, do you mind the bags? Yeah, we had a good laugh about it. Have you had one where you've just for years and years been in love with someone and then you've told them and then just got fucking nothing back? Oh, yeah.

There was a girl at school who I had like a huge crush on. Yep. And it was getting close to the formal. And I was like, I mean, it's a tale as old as time. You're going to invite her to the formal. Yep. And so I do. And she's like, I'll say yes, but I've, the only reason I'm not going with someone is

because I've been sort of seeing your friend in secret and we've been trying to keep it a secret. Did you tell your friend that you liked her, though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a full dog move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a wrap. But he'd been full like, yeah, we've just got to keep this under wraps.

And so then she goes, so I just wanted to tell you that before I agree to go so that you don't think that, you know, just so everyone's clear. You think I'm not going to suck you off during the Pride of Era or anything like that. But then she's like, so yeah, I mean, if you still want to go, I'd be happy to go as your friend. And then it's like, you know, immediately. I am not wasting this opportunity right now. But it's like, but you can't not be cool about it.

So it's like, no, I'd love that. And then the whole formal, just sitting there being like, this is the worst night of my life. I don't want to dance with you unless I have a chance of fingering you. So no thank you. Also, what the fuck, Dad? Yes. I told you in secret. Side B, side B. It's not time to make a change.

So why did they keep it on the down low? Why did it have to be a secret? I don't know. I just remember it being... I don't know. They were just like... I think maybe it was very obvious that I was keen. Because it was like the three of us would all sort of hang out.

So what everyone else knew except for you. Kind of. Yeah. Just all of it. Processing all of that. Having to keep a game face on, and then be like, yeah, of course it'd be great to go to the formal together. This is all fine.

I'm not upset about this at all. I haven't locked myself in for the worst experience of my young life. And I had cancer. I wasn't allowed to go to my after-party formal. Fuck, this is too hard to unpack. The reason I couldn't go because I was not allowed to attend parties for a year. Why, law? Okay.

But before you get into this. I think Tommy's and Brett's situation are different. I'm doing a show about it. It's been on other podcasts. Before you start, can I grab another beer, please? I'll go get it. I'd like to really settle into this one. It's been on other podcasts. Before you start, can I grab another beer, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go get it. I'd like to really settle into this one. Yeah.

My voice is starting to go. I've got a feeling I'm not going to need to talk for a little while. Look, you're going to hear the whole boring thing on, it was actually a good episode on Willosophy, but I essentially... Well, tell us. I don't know it. I don't want to listen to another podcast. I was here and now.

So when I was younger, I was charged with inciting a riot and assaulting a police officer. Jesus Christ. So yeah, that's what I said. It's a hard one to unpack to get to the end game. And the cop wouldn't go to the formal with you? Well, he couldn't walk. So yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I, um, I was charged with inciting a riot, even though it technically wasn't me, but I was a part of it. Um, so for a year by court order, I could not attend any parties. Was this the beginning of you representing yourself in court? No, no, no, no. We had to get lawyers on that one. I nearly went to jail. It was really fucked.

Yeah, it was fucked. Jail, the ultimate formal. Yeah. Will you come to the jail with me? Back when you had a roof over your head. You know what they say about the school? Jail doesn't look too bad now, does it. You know what they say about the school? It doesn't look too bad now, does it? You know what they say about the school formal?

You've got to walk in there and just suck the dick of the biggest looking guy. Assert your dominance over the school formal. No, I'll fuck with you. So when I went to go, I had a girl I had a mad crush on at the time, but she was from a different school, actually. And she came to the formal with me, and I couldn't go to the after party. So I said, oh, look, you know, I and she came to the former with me but then and i couldn't go to the after party so i said oh look you know i can't go to the after party so you

know and she's like oh i want to go to the after party because i have the biggest crush on your best friend and i was like cool so then i just had to go home and lie inside another riot yeah and just think about them hooking up all night. And I was like, mother fucker. She's just getting railed by a police horse. Kevin's not the subject of humiliation on a pod. He's just able to sit that back. Oh, I've never seen anyone. And I've got blood. He's bleeding from the mouth.

I'm bleeding from the mouth. What have you done? Can you pass me a paper towel? We've gone into such an alternative reality that his face hasn't kept up with it. His body's convulsing. Oh, my God. What the fuck? I've got to get a video of that.

Look at this weird thing on my lip. Jesus Christ. Can I live here? I've never felt more in control of my life than this afternoon. I'm having a lot of fun. I've had a beer. We had a look at the ocean. Kappa's face is melting. You started bleeding. What's going on?

I've got this weird thing on my face and every now and then it opens up when I open my mouth too much. That's a cold sore, brother. It's a cold sore or a pimple or something. It kills me. Why didn't you sleep in his bed? Anyway.

Anyway, guys, how lonely is Brett? Man, that was so good because your teeth are covered in blood when you said that. And I was like, you know what? I'm still the loser here. Fucking hell. Fucking dead. Jeez. A lot going on.

What about you, Carl? You ever have that experience of laying it all out there for someone? I don't think I've had that one exactly. No. I think I've probably missed it. I've missed a few bullets just by going, you know what? I won't put it out there here because I reckon I'm a big chance of getting fucked in the face. That honestly has been, like like fucked me so many times.

Oh, you know what? You know what? I'm not even going to make the gamble here. Cause I don't want that. I reckon I don't have any regrets. I don't think looking back, I've got any of those where I've,

I've only had a set. Yeah. Sure. I'm looking back on. No, I think I nailed that one. Yeah. My intuition was spot on.

Yeah. I think I've done it three times and they've all gone bad, but then I go, well, you got to do it. because someone said to me, I was like, that's a good fucking little, we're back to where we lost off the episode. But worst case scenario, you end up in the same position you are now. I was like, well, that's not true because you end up more depressed when they say no.

Embarrassed. But then down the line, you've got a good story. Yeah, yeah. But then at least you put it out there because otherwise the idea of not knowing, that's fucking the worst thing, you know? You know what's really hot? When someone cracks onto you and you're like, I thought you hated me. And then you hook up.

Yeah. That's horny stuff. I like, yeah. Ooh. Ooh. No, I never win them back. Sorry, the bleeding mouth guy. If someone hates me, they just hate me.

Not necessarily, but just a vibe you've gotten off them. You're like, okay. And then they all of a sudden turn it on. And you're like, I thought you hated me. And they're like, no, I was nervous around you or shy or whatever. And then you get into that thing of like, yeah, I don't know, that's hot, I reckon. Yeah, for sure. No, I think.

Well, I can't wait to experience it all again, being single. Fucking kill me. Yeah. Are you back in the Dating world? Nah I like the idea of it But it's still too I mean I know

It was only like Six or eight weeks ago In the camper trailer on Tinder Just with the radius set to like 150 metres Yeah I rooted that 90 year old lady over there I rooted this bloke with the bleeding mouth I sucked off a fish year old lady over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I rooted this bloke with the bleeding mouth. Yeah.

I sucked off a fish. I put on a dating app when I was in a different state just to see, like, I don't know if I still have it and I don't. But then, but it was like, oh, where do you live? And I was like, uh, just, oh, fuck, how do I explain? I'm kind of in between places at the moment. How do I live? I exist. of in between places at the moment. How do I live I exist? Yeah.

God, isn't that, that's so rough when you... I'm a transient soul. Yeah, yeah. What is living? When you get on the... Are the dating apps still like this when you reactivate them and it's just all still there? Like all your old messages, like the shit that you were sending to people

before you, like, went off the grid. It's like, oh, fuck, this is depressing to see. I've been on the app. How cool is Pokemon Go? Yeah, four years ago, me trying to bang in the stuff I was saying. No, because it was four years different. So I think I completely shut down the account

and then reopened it with a new email. Oh, you did the full. It was a full reset. But when you're back on them for the first time, fuck, it is a rough 48 hours because you're like I have not got

one thing back and then you're like oh okay then it takes time for it all to but yeah I'm trying to yeah I haven't been

on any yeah I've had a drink with one person but I was just like oh this is fucking too much all those apps in my experience

are just always like all the same people on them so you'd get back on there after being in a relationship for a bit. And it's like watching one of those reunion specials. It's like, I remember them. Oh, really?

Yeah. I remember chatting with them a little bit. Well, it's also interesting to see your old Sparks or your old fun buddies. Even though it's been a four-year gap, you're like, fucking hell, they're sliding back into the DMs and I'm loving this. You're like, I've just got to go to Austin, Texas. And awesome. Kappa, how was Japan?

How was the honeymoon? Oh, it was so good. All right. The end. No, it was great. The reason we concentrated on Blakey. Old bleeding gums Murphy over here. He told me Japan was going to be good, so it was like, yeah,

it was incredible, man. It was wild. It was, it was incredible, man. It was wild. It's a crazy place. I love it because it's like the opposite of Australia. You can be like, hey, don't be a fucking idiot. And for that, you can have beer in the vending machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Australia, it's like, oh, you can be a fucking loudmouth idiot, do whatever.

And they're like, no, we can't trust you with anything. Like the salary men get fucked up and then they pass out at the train station. But that's it. Yeah. You know, they're not fighting anyone. No. No. I would like to share with you guys a story that I shared on my podcast,

but I would like to give you guys. Anyway, that's enough for today, guys. This has been Brett Blake on The Little Lies. I would like your perspective on this, right? Yes. A guy told me this story, right? And I want to know you guys, what's the best story you've ever heard

that you have had for like a year in the can? Because this guy told me this story, right? He was at the Newtown Hotel. Yep. In Newtown. And, oh. Yeah, that was really frustrating. And he put the microphone near your fucking mouth.

No, it's my mic. I don't want blood all over it. So I'll boost it up in the edit. I'm a full mum. Do you want a wet wipe, Nick? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right. Do you want a band-aid?

There you go. Do you want some gauze? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a first aid kit here if you need it. Maybe just a room with walls for now. Just joking. Oh, okay. I was just trying to help you get a kit.

Yeah, yeah, no worries. No worries. Someone's not having a sandwich press. Please, Fred, don't put the sandwich press away. I'm hungry. You're having a cold sausage. No, but he was at the Newtown Hotel. Heat the sandwich press up.

We need to cauterise the wound. Just stick my face on it. Stick my whole head in it, please. What a nerdiest story ever. I was sitting down doing a podcast, and then I started bleeding to death. It was too much for me. And it wasn't my ears for once. Once again, if you can put the microphone anywhere it was at the

new town hotel and it was four in the morning him and his mate are there and they see a woman walk out of the hotel and then two blokes kind of go to hassle her in some way and so him and his mate are about to step in then a garbage truck pulls pulls up. The man gets out, the garbage man, and goes, is there a problem here? Are you, you know, like, are you saying anything to this lady? And then the two blokes just back right off. They're like, we're not fucking with a garbage man. And they back right off, right?

The best story ever. Then my mate, he goes back, like back and just near that Newtown Hotel. And then he watches, him and his friend watch two pairs of feet walk around to the front of the garbage truck. And then the woman sucks off the garbage man. Yeah, that's good. That is actually good. Right, I see what you're saying. So something that you, because you have those ones that you've sort of had as your, like,

go-tos across your whole life when you meet new people or whatever. Yeah. You sort of, like, you bang it, like, best of stories. He blows in three seconds. Yeah. And then jumps in the garbage truck, and she kind of looks at him like, hey, am I coming too? Then he just drives off.

You're not even good enough to ride in the garbage truck. I'm now jealous of a garbage man. Can we just rewind and remember that this story got told off the back of me asking how was Japan? How was your honeymoon?

Well, I sucked off a garbage man. That's how it was. Well, the honeymoon was like... Did this story happen in Newtown or Shibuya? And was it a woman or a man that was nearly beaten up? Guys, she was holding a roll of sushi. I'm going to be honest with you here, Tommy. The honeymoon was good, but it wasn't that good. It wasn't suck off a garbage bin.

So what you're saying, have you just heard that story, Ray? Is what you're saying, when you hear a new one from someone where you're like, fuck, this is a new one for the rotation. I met this bloke a month previously. Okay, right. He was a friend of a booker at a gig. Right. Then he rocked up to the gig, you know, two or three weeks later,

and he goes, Kappa, I have to talk to you. I have to tell you this story. And I was like, okay, tell me the story, whatever, idiot. Then after that, I'm like, like okay tell me the story whatever idiot then after that i'm like i would tell everybody this story yeah now i'm passing off this story but the other side is if i ever knew the garbage guy and he told me that story i would think he's full of shit yeah yeah one night two blokes were harassing this chick so we kicked her ass and she sucked me off when i drove off yeah okay mate good one when you hear one like that too and you're a little drunk and you're like simultaneously, you're like,

I can't wait to tell everyone I know this story. But also like, I'm a bit pissed. I'm just praying I don't forget the details. That I don't forget the yarn. That this is still going to be in my head when I wake up. It's going to be crisp. My only story that I have that I've clung onto, it's not even a story.

It's like such a small thing, but it's something that happened when we were at high school that I just have never forgotten. My friend was at 7-Eleven and he was paying for like, I don't know, a Slurpee with like a $20 note. And he handed the note over and like at the point of contact where the guy, the cashier's like hand like grabbed the note, he went, oh. Which we just always like loved the idea that this guy from 7-Eleven just wanted to fuck our friend and just, like,

coming into that close contact with him. But that's just in my brain forever. I'm never going to stop telling that story. All right. It's beautiful. Oh. Oh. Oh.

All right. Well, we better wrap it up there for another edition of the Little Diamond Club. Three of us have got places to go and people to see. Where am I going? Carl, are you staying here? Brett Blake, Nick Capper, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you very much, guys. Can I plug something quickly?

Is that all right? I've got a new comedy special coming out in January next year. So if you jump onto my YouTube, it's going to be there. It's going to be sick. And also launching next year, I have a podcast called The Work Hates Podcast with Bron Lewis. So that's going to be next January.

So jump on the socials for that. And obviously I've got a podcast with my beautiful mate, Nick Capa. Yeah, I was there at the special. It was great. It was good. Yeah, really good. You did it at Catfish?

Yeah, yeah, I filmed it at Catfish, and Kappa helped me get the motorbike up there. We had a great night. Yeah. Yeah, it was a good time. Hit subscribe on Brett Blake Comedy on YouTube. It was very funny. It was awesome.

Three, like, Asian women just walked in and did not know what was going on. So we're filming a special. There's so many fucking cameras there. There's a smoke machine, everything. And then, because Brett filmed it in, like, two halves, and I'm at the back, and then I just watched three of these women just walk out while everything is being filmed. They didn't understand what the fuck was going on. What the fuck was going on.

What's not to understand? There's a motorbike on stage. And a man screaming at you. Was it at Kawasaki? Maybe that was it. No. We worked for the company. Kappa, what have you got?

You've got the phone hacks with Mike Goldstein. Yes, yes. It's going good. And nothing else. When's your special out? Yeah, you've got a special, don't you? Oh, yeah.. Yes, yes. It's going good. And nothing else. When's your special out? Yeah, you got a special, don't you? Oh, yeah. I don't know when it's coming out.

Great. Probably just Milan will see it, I reckon. Yeah. Just Milan and me. You doing the festivals and stuff? Oh, yeah. I'm doing the festivals. I'm doing my new show, Meat Oblong, which is great.

And possibly the worst show image I've ever seen. It's your face, and you've somehow photoshopped meat so you look like a burn victim. Yeah. It made me vomit looking at it. And I was like, brother, can you get someone to fix this? And you're like, no. And I'm like, okay.

Yeah, why wouldn't you use a photo of your normal beautiful face that's got blood dripping out of it? Yeah, that's true. That's true, you know. Oh, my middle block's starting to look pretty good. Yeah, that's true. That's true, you know. Oh, middle of the long Sutton will look pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but no, no, no, nothing else. Yeah, I've got a YouTube thing, but that's it.

Cool. Yeah. All right. Thanks, everyone, for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, they have. They have, Tommy.

And they've done it again. Oh, they have. They have, Tommy. Bernie's kicked a big one straight into Brett's house and it's collapsed it. Yep. And then it blew away. Nothing like a two and a half hour round trip to record some content. Two and a half hours. That was that day.

This is a separate day that we're recording this. Well, I mean the drive. Yeah. You came to my house at 10 o'clock in the morning and I went, this is a separate day that we're recording this. Well, I mean the drive. Yeah, you came to my house at 10 o'clock in the morning, and I went, this is going to be heaps of time to come back and do stuff. And I got to my child's kinder at 5.15, well after the Christmas party, to which my daughter has not forgotten yet. And this is a week later.

Oh, what do you mean? Wait, what? So they had a Christmas party at kinder. Oh, right. And this is a week later. Oh, what do you mean? Wait, what? So they had a Christmas party at Kinder. Oh, right. And all the parents were supposed to go. Ah, right. And you relate to that. Yeah.

And I'm like, ah, Tommy's coming over at 10. We go to Mornington. We record this stuff. We'll be back in heaps of time. I'll be too early, if anything. And then my daughter was absolutely not happy. Well, I was going to a music festival the next morning and going to a concert the night after we did this.

And I thought, get back from the pod, have the afternoon to pack, go to the concert, wake up early and leave. I got home, got straight into an Uber and went to the concert and had to get up at 6 a.m. to do all my packing then. Yeah. And then got in the car and went, I was barely awake when I was putting stuff in the back here. I wouldn't mind betting that I've forgotten nearly everything I need.

And yeah, no gumboots. No change of socks. One pair of pants. It was raining all weekend. Yeah, it was not good. Not my favourite. That's good. Yeah.

That's some good shit. It was good. But hopefully people appreciate it. Yeah. At least we got a good ep out of it, I think. This is a very good ep. This is, yeah, this is, if you, look, if at some point you've sort of thought, no, bullying's not for me, hopefully this wins you over.

Yeah. This episode. I mean, I was, we were bullying Brett about living in a tent and then the very next night i was sleeping in the boot of my car great yeah in in the countryside as well basically yeah yeah well in a probably in a place worse than where brett is um well i mean i was at a music festival with my friends yes so geographically i mean geographically worse if the music festival hadn't have been on, then yeah, just being there in the middle of the bush in Meredith. Yes. Not ideal.

No. Would rather be at the beach. Yes. But hey, it was the middle of a big storm on Saturday and I felt very secure in the back of my Kia Sportage. Okay. That's good. I wasn't worried about my house blowing away.

Right, right, right. That's good. That's good. Well, good news. Good news since then. Bretta is away. Right, right, right. That's good. That's good. Well, good news. Good news since then. Brett is away from his tent at the moment. So that's good. But feel free to...

He's still copying it. I went to a thing yesterday where everyone was still getting stuck into him. Oh, really? He's like at breaking point. Like, no, I copped this for an hour. I think I've done my job here. I copped this for an hour the other day and there was just a new batch of comedians getting stuck into him

he's like and like I but like I said on the episode I think he suggested it he was the one that messaged us and was like

you boys should come down and do a pod at the tent so it's like alright well hey if I'm going to sit in traffic for three hours yes I'm going to get some digs in

yes absolutely no very fun fun out with mates Some good bonuses Off the back of it as well So If you are

That way inclined Jump onto Patreon.com Slash Little Dun Dun Club We record two Bonus episodes With Brett and Kappa And then if you want to go back in time

We then recorded Two episodes with Kappa On the drive home Which are already out. Yeah. And I mean, I assume we're going to put this on socials. We recorded a very funny video with Kappa. Get on the socials for that.

Maybe we should make that a Patreon thing. Oh, God. A bonus video. A bonus two-minute video. We recorded a video with Kappa on the way back, and I was crying laughing. Yeah. It was so funny.

Yeah. So we've got to upload that somewhere. And when I got home, I had a text from Brett saying, can you send me the video of Kappa? I was like, fuck, word travels fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was talking to him. I was like, you've got to see this. Ask Kappa.

You're talking to him at your kid's daycare's Christmas party? Because I had that message almost immediately. I missed the party. Although you missed the whole party. Oh, I thought you meant it was really late no no no no no all right we got there we got there 5 15 and it was like three till five i guess for kids at daycare age the 5 p.m wrap up is the equivalent of like 2 a.m yes oh also like you know the party is like your parents are there yeah they're not there's nothing to do for two hours it's like there's only so many fucking carrot sticks you can yeah eat in two hours so the whole thing was getting swept up and then and then the teacher like made sure to say oh yeah look your daughter's just a bit upset

you know given that um there was only three sets of parents that didn't turn up to her and you were one of them yeah and the other two are in jail yeah and and dead and and but then it's like oh and then i'm like okay okay i don't feel very good now but then they go yeah and you know the rule is that if your parents aren't here the kids not allowed to go to the party so they were just stuck out away from the party i'm like well part of this is on fucking you to be honest like yeah that's weird let the kids into the bar yeah so like blankets just sitting there going i didn't get to have any cupcakes because you weren't here. Like, okay, well, yeah, I'll cop half of it,

but can you fucking bring some cupcakes into the other area, teachers? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Well, they've got to make the parents learn somehow. Yeah. Well, hopefully you can play this episode to Blanket and she'll understand. I'm sure she will.

She'll understand the sacrifice that you had to make. Yeah, yeah. When she knows that we had to hang shit on Brett Blake for being homeless, she'll understand. Once she hears the part where Kappa's mouth starts bleeding, she'll be like, okay, I get it now. And she's got another thing on this week, like her graduation. Oh, wow.

The kindergarten graduation. And all week is just like, Daddy, you sure you coming? Wow. You sure you coming? It's like, oh, fuck. Now this is in her head. When's that? Today?

No. I'm flashing with this episode. No, what's really bad is we just found out. So it was on Friday. So all week we've been going, yeah, we're coming. We're coming Friday, Friday, Friday. So everything's, the whole week's planned around Friday afternoon. And then we get an email this morning.

Oh, there may have been some miscommunication. It's actually on Thursday. It's like, by miscommunication, you mean you fucking told us the wrong date? Yes. That's what that is. That's a miscommunication. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know my other favorite one of them?

Crossed wires. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think there's been some crossed wires here. I've pulled that a few times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think there's been some crossed wires here.

I've pulled that a few times. Oh, yeah. Through, what is it? Through, what do you call it? Through unpreventable circumstances. Yeah. Yeah, this is what's happened. It's like, well, I could have been prevented if I had not fucked up, but this is what I'm feeding you.

Sorry about that. Crossed wires is the, to me, I always read it as like, it's the person saying it. I feel like what you're saying is, I think that you have fucked up. Yeah. And I'm just going to, rather than get into it, I'm just going to give us both the out here. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Rather than us go back and forth about who was wrong, I'll just say, hey, there seems to have been some crossed wires. Yeah, yeah. Why don't we reset? Yeah. And, you know, because crossed wires, I mean, you didn't say who crossed the wires. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's very generous. It's like, hey, they got, let's just say that a third party came in and crossed those wires. Yeah. Let's, the wires are crossed. Who's to say who crossed them? It's the fault of the- Because if we were to say, it would be me.

It's the fault of the telephone exchange people. Yeah wires that don't exist anymore they got crossed yeah um well i love comedy well if you want to hear uh yeah the bonus episodes uh with brett and nick and also yeah the um the two episodes that we did in the car where we shared a a great uh footy club comedy gig story um you can get onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and uh check all that out for the 10 a month tier and uh also you will go into the drawer to get your name read out on an episode of the little dum-dum club um and by the time this episode comes out we might have some live shows on some extra live shows on sale as well so get onto the website and check that out all that bullshit um yes but thank you to everyone who subscribes on patreon uh let let us know um if you haven't had your name read out sometimes the uh the unplanned

title alternator is it's not infallible it's fallible it's actually fallible there's been some crosswise so if you haven't had your name read out and you think you should have except for those of you who subscribed yesterday because it doesn't work like that but uh if it's been a while if it's been quite a while please let us know a few people have done that recently and um yeah that's that's fair enough um so thank you very much to all patreon subscribers especially the first one this week thank you very much to sky mccarthy sky mccarthy now she is the squeaky wheel this week oh yeah okay somehow slipped through this yep through the circuitry um somehow slipped through so um yeah it was overdue so she's been waiting for this one for a long time so no

pressure i do like the name sky do you yeah why it's a nice name just uh does it remind you of anything reminds me of the ground what the fuck is going on here yeah i think you've got some cross wires in your brain see the sky oh okay, that's really clever. That made me think then. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting that sky is a name but ground isn't. This is my son. Ground Allsop. Floor Allsop.

Dirt Blogs. Yeah. A friend of mine at... There'd be people who'd Earth though. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Which would suck, but whatever. There was a bit of chatter around the campsite at Meredith on Saturday morning. Did you tell any spooky stories?

At Meredith? Yes. At the music festival? At the campsite. Oh, at the campsite. Yeah. Guys, I'm not going into watch Kraftwerk. I'm going to sit here with a flashlight and tell a ghost story if anyone wants to hang around.

That would be good. I mean, you do see people absolutely cooking it who don't leave their campsites. So maybe that's what they're doing. Maybe they're just big fans of being in the bush and telling ghost stories. Yeah, yeah. And they just like having as much of an audience as they can. Meredith Music Festival, where I first met Greg Fleet. Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah, nice. Pre-comedy career. My comedy career. Yeah, right, right, right. But yes. So last year? Yeah. Yeah, nice. Pre-comedy career. My comedy career. Yeah, right, right, right. But yes. So last year? Yeah.

Oh. Okay. A friend of mine who was there who used to live in London who sold merch for us at our live shows in London. Oh, this is the one that was- That people thought was your wife. My wife, right. Yeah.

Okay. She, so Saturday morning, a bit of chatter goes around that someone in our group had been walking back to camp at like 2 a.m., walking along the road or like the road that's in the campground, the path, and tripped over something. And it was this friend of ours asleep on the road. Oh, no. And boy, oh, boy, have I been taken to that one like a duck to water. Just the next day, i'm saying like where are you going to sleep tonight mate the hume the colder yes and then on the way home we run into

her at the what is it hey mate what is it hump day today yeah speed hump day yeah yeah yeah yes we uh we we bumped into her at the um the big maccas that's on the side of the freeway she bumped into him she she she wasn't the speed hump she was the speed she was a speed hump yeah yeah she was the speed bump first doing merch for us now this exactly yeah it's gonna fucking get better well this is her on the way up actually right um we ran into her at the mcdonald's like one of those big you know like servo that's got like a mackers and a red rooster in it yeah there's like a massive one of them on the drive home on the side of the freeway and i was like fuck mate this must be like a beachside resort for you look at that beautiful view of the road out there yeah

oh i'm really having a good time with it it's a really funny bit it's funny you love the road you did something a bit stupid you love bitumen. You lost control and now it's not that. It's that you love the road. Yeah. Bitumen. More like dumb bitumen. Yeah. That's good.

You can use that. Yeah, I didn't really... She's a really good friend. I didn't feel good about rolling that one out. What about the rest of it though? I didn't really feel... Calling her a dumb bitch,

I don't know. No, it's dumb bitumen. Well, it was also people around that don't know me that I was meeting for the first time. I was like, that was in my around that don't know me that I was meeting for the first time. I was like, that was in my head, but I was like, I'll save this for the podcast. Use that as a DM.

That I remembered midway through telling this that, oh yeah, she listens to this. Oh, okay, okay. She'll hear this at some point. Yeah, yeah, great. But I got to say, she... Well, next time she does merch for us, she can wear a shirt that says dumb bitumen. Oh, yeah, we'll get one made up. Because we heard that.

We heard that. And then we realized we hadn't seen her that day yet. And then we were like, you know, obviously like pretty worried. Like, I hope she's okay. Or she might be really like hungover or sick or something. And she just, we eventually see her and we're like, are you all right? She's like, yeah. Just completely nonplussed by it.

Right. Just like really didn't seem to have fazed her at all. Yeah, right. Not a blip in the radar. I was saying like, if that was me, I think I'd be going home. Yeah. The story was I tripped. Because also that's the other funny thing too is like you got tripped over.

That's a funny element of it to me as well. Yeah. Like not just someone discovered you. They tripped over. That's a funny element of it to me as well. Yeah. Like, not just someone discovered you. They tripped over you. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Yeah.

Going to sleep in public is like, fuck. Yeah, look, I agree. I don't know if I'd be going home, but I'd be having a really good hard look at myself. home but i'd be having a really good hard look at myself well also she seemed like if i was in that state i'd be mainly going home because i think i'd just be so hung over like if i had gotten to that extent where i was sleeping on the road yeah i would be so fucked that i just would not be able to function for another day of a music festival i'd be like i have to get out of here yeah i was joking a long weekend about like the idea of just going into the medic tent and being like,

you got to shrink back there. Yeah. I just, I haven't taken drugs or anything. It just, while I'm here, I'd love someone to take a look inside the old brain and tell me what's going on.

I'm surprised there's not, to be honest. Maybe there is. I don't know. There might be someone there who's skilled at like, if you have a bad trip or whatever, someone that's able to like, yeah. Talk you off the ledge or whatever, someone that's able to talk you off the ledge. I'd be shocked if there isn't someone.

You'd hope so. I'm shocked you haven't seen it because you're like, what's that tent with that massive line coming out of it? They must sell some really good food in there. What band's on in there? Good shit. That's comedy. But Sky McCarthy.

Yeah, Sky. Didn't do a lot of seeing the sky this weekend. Well, covered by cloud, covered by intense rain cloud. Yeah. If you had that name Sky, do you think you'd have like a special fondness for the air? Maybe for air travel or for at the very least

looking up and paying your respects and sort of going, that's me up there. You'd be hoping for a discount. Yeah. I mean, I already.

You're buying the ticket, you'd be like. Yeah. We're in my. Get a load of this. This is my turf. And here's my husband playing. This is my.

Can we please have, can we please have free tickets to Europe. This is my turf. And here's my husband playing. This is my... Can we please have free tickets to Europe? This is my turf. This is my lack of turf. Yeah. This is my space. Yep. This is my airspace right now. Yeah, because you have a thing.

I mean, I think I have a special, you know, some sort of connection with the letter K. Just the one. Yep. Because that's my name. That's the start of my name. So, and you, I mean, I don't know, you'd have a T, a bit of a T thing, I'm sure. That's the start of your name, Tommy. Well, I mean, obviously, as a little child, I liked Thomas the Tank Engine.

There we go, yeah. But then people would call me that at school. Right. And then that wears off. Well, but it also, people would call me that at school at the age that I was beyond wanting to watch Thomas the Tank Engine anyway. Right. So, you know what I mean?

It's not like it ruined it for me in the sense that I wasn't at an age where I was watching it. Yeah. But I don't know. So, do you think, like, do you think she could possibly have so much of a fondness for the sky, given it's like, it's hers, that's her name, that's me up there, that she almost thinks, well, this must be my mortal enemy, the ground. I've got to get off this. Fuck this.

Fuck this place. Well, you would imagine that at least once in her life when she's gotten a flight, that someone, the person checking her in and looking at her ticket has gone, oh, hey. Welcome home. At least once. Welcome back. At least once she must have gotten a flight attendant who's been like, oh, hey. Yeah.

Pretty crazy. Going home. Yeah. Yes. Probably not as much as if like, yeah, John Plain checked in. That one would be like. Jimmy Pilot. Surely you'd be getting that every single time you check in.

Yeah, yeah. But Sky maybe not as much, but I would. Gary Jetstar. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. The owner of Jetstar. Yeah. exactly. Yeah. Yeah. The owner of Jetstar. Yeah.

No, that's a good question. If you're a flight attendant, if you're checking someone in and you copped a sky, what are you saying? Yeah. What's the little dig? I reckon probably at best you're just getting a sky. Yeah. Like the plane.

They're pretty busy. Yeah. There's a pretty long line of people to get in. I don't have time to do a 10-minute riff i'll just acknowledge it that's it yeah scott just sky wink that's you being like hey um i'm flying with my friend their name's sky you get the pilot to shout him out halfway through the phone oh yeah yeah oh the old comedy club arts um my friend my friend's having a birthday it's just me and him here yeah

and there's 300 other people here well you know if I if I was going to a comedy club and if I was with my friend Mr Comedy yeah

I'd be walking into the person on the door and being like hey me and my friend their last name's Comedy yeah can we have a discount because can you shout him out during the gig

his name's Comedy and we're in a comedy club yeah can we have a discount for going into the sky? Yeah. Because my name's Sky. You've got to get the MC to acknowledge it.

It's pretty crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When have you ever heard a name like that? Yeah. Can you say that my friend's a pedophile? Yeah. Yeah. He's not here.

I've just come by myself tonight. Yeah. I think it'd be funny. I'd just like to hear it. I just love that kind of stuff. Well, thanks, Guy. I love that idea now. Someone going in and going,

can you roast this guy? It's like, cool, where is he? Oh, he's not here. Oh, he's not here. Yeah. But he'll know. It would be funny. I'll tell him.

It would just be funny to hear Dave Hughes call my friend a pedophile. I'll retell this tomorrow. I will laugh. Yeah. Yeah. I just might,

like, whatever you're about to talk about could not be as funny to me as that. As the concept of someone you'll never meet being a pedophile. Yeah. Yeah. I just might, like, whatever you're about to talk about could not be as funny to me as that. As the concept of someone you'll never meet being a pedophile. Yeah. But I know him. Yeah. That's more relatable to me than anything else you're going to say.

I promise you, I'm certain that he's not a pedophile. Yeah. Because obviously if he was, that wouldn't be funny. Yeah, exactly. I don't find the act of it funny. So you can, in good faith, you can say that he's a pedophile knowing 100% that he's not thanks guy we have

got to pick up the pace okay all right I'm sorry she's been waiting for so long I thought I thought she deserved it thank you very much to patreon subscriber

someone who hasn't been waiting as long so fuck them Liz poppin poppin poppin not poppins no poppin p-o-p-P-E-N. Liz is Poppen. Poppen.

Yeah, Poppen Liz. Interesting. Interesting. It's a good name. It is good. Poppen Liz. I mean. Again, if you're at Hoyt's, you're getting a big old box of buttery popcorn.

Fuck, what a stretch. That's funny because your name's. My name's not Liz Popcorn. And you're pulling out. You've just gotten the flight with your friend Sky. Yeah. And so you're pulling out your movie ticket and you're like, oh, wait, my name's not on here.

Yeah. I've got to reach in for the light. That would be funny if you had to put your name in when you buy a movie ticket so that they then put the name on the movie ticket. Yeah, this is me going into the lighting shop. Can I have a discount? Why? My name's Chandler.

What? You know, like chandelier. Yeah. No. Yeah. It's not that. Yeah. And even, like chandelier. No. It's not that. And even if it was, no. This is...

I want free popcorn because my name's Liz Poppin. Yeah. Popcorn be poppin'. That's... So, 30 years ago... You get popcorn that's in the middle of being cooked. Because it's poppin'. Okay.

Right. You get uncooked popcorn. Because it's currently poppin'. Right. Right. Okay. So, you don't get anything good. Well, they're just reaching the machine before it's all done.

You get kernels. So you're getting some that's... Half-formed kernels. Well, you're getting some that's done. Right. Which kind of happens anyway. You know, you get down the bottom of that box and it's like, this is all just fucking uncooked. My name's Liz Poppin and I get shit popcorn because of my name.

My least favorite thing, when you're eating something, it's soft and then you get the hard crunch in the middle and you're like, oh fuck, my teeth weren't ready for that. Yeah. That's what I hate about chocolate chip ice cream. So that doesn't work. So she goes in. Popcorn people will not give her a freebie. So then you know what she's doing.

What? She's getting on the plane, hopefully with her friend Sky. Right. She's flying to Italy. Yes. And she's trying to get into the Vatican for free. Popin. Guys,

and she's begging. You know what? She's begging. Please. They won't give me free popcorn. I thought you were going to say she gets on an airplane and she gets free her ears poppin.

I was like, but you've actually found something worse. Yeah. That's not me doing this. This is her trying this on. Oh, her oh this is her sorry this is her trying this on this is a desperate woman just trying to get some kind of freebie for her name yeah but yeah it is popping i love that as an idea when you do comedy from now and you do stand-up comedy from now on and you're telling something and it bombs and you're like hey don't blame. This is the thing that happened. That's not me. That's the person in the story not being funny. Exactly.

I'm fucking hilarious. I'm just reporting back up here. It's not my fault that the thing I observed isn't actually funny. It's not my fault that the washing machine making a loud noise before it finishes isn't funny. Don't blame me blame the duck sandwich it's not my fault yeah that's good that's really good that's the like you know people comics blame blaming the audience or like the setup of the room and being like come on mate

fucking just cop some accountability that's the the ultimate next level. Blaming the characters in the joke. Blaming the situations and the characters in the joke. I told it funnily. Yeah. I'm funny. What do you want me to do? Lie. Yeah.

Make something up. And the old stuff I did before that worked. Yeah. So what does that tell you? Yeah. Well, thanks, Liz Poppen. Thanks, Liz Poppen. I think this is the best

This is the best Time in history To have that name I think 30 years ago It would have been just weird But now it's like Poppin's like a I don't know

It's Poppin off Yeah It's a thing to say So appreciate your time In the sun Liz Poppin Yep Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber

Anthony Bennett Mmm Yeah Okay Yep So We've hit our first uh yeah my friend race yeah exactly oh another good one i had a bigger a bigger a bigger road bump than your mate so craftwork were at the uh were the big headliner and they of course have their song Autobahn, where they had big imagery behind them of the freeway.

And I was like, fuck, you must have thought you were watching fucking a 40 Winks performance up there. It looks very posturpedic up there, doesn't it? I love their song about mattress covers that they do. Yeah. Love you, Ray. That's good. Good on you, Ray.

Love you and sorry, Ray. Yeah. So she was living in London when she did merch for us, Ray. That's good. Good on you, Ray. Love you and sorry, Ray. Yeah. So she was living in London when she did merch for us and now she's back. She still is living there. Oh. She just came back for a bit of a snooze and she's back over there. I think so because I thought she was back for Christmas, but she's going back to the UK before Christmas.

Not to completely fucking give out all the details of her life, but. Yeah. Well, yeah. don't give out the the flight number but no apart from that i think we're okay it would be weird if i knew just chewing the fat at meredith yeah here's my flight number wow we really have run out of stuff yeah are you sleep talking um well benno um thanks very much for subscribing I would Oh hang on

I've just realised You know who this is It's Tony Bennett Anthony Bennett Oh yeah Famous heroin addict Tony Bennett Yeah

I thought he was dead Maybe this is him This is the will I don't really know anything about Tony Bennett You know who that is, though, right? He's a singer? Yeah. I know him from...

He's featured very briefly in an episode of The Simpsons. Yeah. Is he in an early episode of The Simpsons? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I know about him. He only died a few months ago. He was... How old was he?

About 80 or something or more? No, no. Fucking hell. He was 97. Is it the episode where Homer's working at the casino and then Bart opens up his own casino in his treehouse and he tricks Tony Bennett into coming and performing? No, no, no, no.

Who's that? That is Wayne... Not Wayne Newton. Who is it? It is... Oh, fuck. Now I'm going to have to look it up. What's Tony...

Tony Bennett is in an episode Of The Simpsons He would be He definitely would be I can't believe I've forgotten the name Of this guy He's got a funny name Robert Goulet Oh Robert Goulet

Yes Wait is Tony Bennett the guy Who did like a performance Or an album Like in the last couple of years With Lady Gaga Yes Yeah okay

Yes Right I think he was on the verge of sort of losing it, but like fair enough. He's like, like I said, he died this year at the age of 97. But yeah, he did, he was a famous, you know, like jazz singer, whatever.

But like to, you know, our generations, you know, a much older, very sort of cuddly, kindly sort of like looking dude. And then you look back into his history and go, oh, he was a massive heroin addict. Oh, right. Like in the 60s or whatever. Yeah.

Which is very funny to me, given his public persona. But anyway, he has, he dead and he's left his ill-gotten smack money to us. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah, right. This is all the money he would have. Oh, so this is like a trust fund where we just get like $10 of it per month. Yeah, but we...

We don't get it all in one lump sum. Yeah, but we have to spend it on heroin. Oh, okay. Or jazz. So I'm choosing heroin. I'm choosing jazz. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Jazz cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah. Can you please look up what... What... Does Tony... I'll look up what Tony Bennett is in The Simpsons. Yeah, I just started doing that.

I swear to God I've heard that name. He would be. He would be. Oh, he sang Capital City in Dance and Homer. Oh, okay. Right. I haven't seen that episode in ages. Yeah.

That's a funny one. All right. Homer being the little that episode in ages. Yeah. That's a funny one. All right. Remember being the little mascot? Yeah. The Capital City goofball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should, I've got Disney Plus and I have not watched The Simpsons. And I've always said to myself, I want to sit down and watch the fucking missing 15 seasons of The Simpsons that just disappears into the ether.

You mean like since you tapped out? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I would like since you tapped out? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I would like to go and actually just get in there. I did. You know, like every five years, there'll be like an article on Vulture or whatever

that's like, The Simpsons is good again. Yeah. There was one of them recently, and I was kind of reading about their approach to it now, and I was like, that does sound kind of interesting. I've been meaning to check in on this most recent season and just kind of, you know, see what they're doing, see what it's all about. Yeah.

What happened then? I think, was that your cat? I don't think it was. I think my, I think our Christmas tree just slightly fell apart. My, uh, my parents keep our Christmas tree in their garage and they, they brought our, they brought the Christmas tree over the other day, and they were like, yeah, we used to have this really ratty shit Christmas tree,

and then, yeah, we just got this new one, and now it's great. And it's like, that was our one that you're just using, and you've just given us this ratty shit one. Oh, right. Thinking that it was ours, but this was yours. Right. And it sucks.

Yeah. It's a piece of shit. Well, Skiddlybop, Tony Bennett, thank you very much for your smack dollars and we'll try and do your memory justice. Thanks, Benno. By shooting up and, I don't know, yeah, scatting, but not what you used to do.

Yeah. Just shitting. Yeah. Shitting ourselves after ODing on heroin. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Thanks, Tony Bennett. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lawrence Plummer.

Lawrence Plummer. That's right, Tommy. You've had to call me Tony. Tony, yeah. All my friends call me Tony. Yeah. So I'd feel right at home. Please. Please call me Tony. All my friends call me Tony. So I'd feel right at home. Please.

Please call me Tony. Well, I wonder what, speaking of shitting ourselves, this bloke, his descendants, and maybe even him,

plumber. Yeah. I mean, if you got born with a name, with a surname plumber, would that, again, going back to

Sky, would that push you or pull you away from the profession of plumbing, do you think? Well, again, yeah. If you had a plumber turn up to your house and they're like, yeah, my name's Lawrence Plummer, do you think you'd feel like, oh, great, or I'd feel sus on it. All right.

I'd assume it's a pseudonym. Right. A stage name. Yes. A pipe name. A bathroom name. A toot name. I'd be like, I don't know how I feel about this.

Right. This person. Yeah. Because you wouldn't believe it. Yes. It'd be like, I can believe having the name, but then getting into the profession is like kind of insane. What about changing your name to Tommy Comedian?

Yeah. Just to sort of like make people feel at ease. Yeah. Just to garner a bit of trust from the audience. Yeah, guys. Guys. Believe me. Yeah.

I wouldn't, would I have done this if I wasn't really good at it? Yeah. I do that. Or this is my real name. I was born into it. Yeah. Like I'm born to do this job. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm doing... Or this is my real name. I was born into it. Yeah. Like I'm born to do this job. Yeah.

And then I'm doing that and then halfway through the set I'm being like, guys, I'm really funny. It's the observations that are, you know... Yeah, yes. I would... Seeing both of those together. I would sit up in my seat if I heard, welcome to the stage, Tommy Comedian.

Tommy Comedian. I know it's only just a slight twist on on on our obsession with the last name comedy but comedian is very funny as a as a as a comedian for a comedian's name yeah yeah yeah that's very funny i to go back to the tony thing briefly so uh my when i got together with my so my friends call me me Tony and then there's a running thing now of my friend. Just anyone who's Tom or Tommy is Tony. The name Tom doesn't exist.

It's only Tony. Right. And so when I got together with my girlfriend, she had a dog called Tommy. Right. And so we were joking about how I was Tony one and the dog was Tony two. Yeah. And then my friend was like, I've seen too many cute photos of the dog. I got bad news for you.

The dog's Tony one now. The dog is now dead and I'm still Tony two for some reason. And then at a Meredith one year friend of the show, Tom Ballard was camping with us. And that was when my friend was really getting to know him. And she comes up to me halfway through the festival and she's like, I got bad news for you. You're Tony three now.

Tom Ballard's now Tony one right the deceased dog is tony two good impression from like i can't even be two i'm still behind a deceased dog yeah that this friend of mine never met impressive to uh for ballard to get above the beloved dead dog though yeah i know that's pretty cool i know good get from him yeah um yeah tony one comedian yes tony one gay comedian oh yeah um yeah so if i if i got a plumber called laurence plumber that came over i'd be like you'd have to sort of go right okay were you born into this business are you descendants from the original plumber? Yeah. And if so, is that good or bad? Are you just coasting on your ancestors' success?

I would be like if I – Is your heart really into this? Yeah, if I had needed like one in an emergency and, yeah, I'm booking Lawrence Plumber and they're a plumber, I'm going to be saying I am going to need you to bring around your driver's license and birth certificate. I am going to need to verify that around your driver's license and birth certificate. I am going to need to verify that this is in fact your birth name and you haven't just changed it since getting into the profession.

Because if so, that's insane. And I don't want someone like that in my house. I don't want someone like that with their hand in my precious toilet. I don't trust you to be unblocking my shit. To be headfirst in my toilet, eating the poo out of the cistern so that my toilet's fixed. I don't trust you with that. There was a day a few months ago where a tap or like a pipe in our kitchen had like, not burst, but it was just all of a sudden there was like all this water leaking out from underneath the sink.

And so it was like just really not like fully burst, but it was, you know, it was not secure. Like water was just going everywhere. So I had to call the plumber. And then later in the day, I texted my girlfriend saying, what a day, I had to get the plumber around here. And she's like, oh, you backed up the toilet. Just her go-to assumption.

You've backed up the toilet with shit. No, the pipes burst in the toilet. Just her go-to assumption. You've backed up the toilet with shit. No, the pipes burst in the kitchen. Fair assumption. It's like, I've seen what you do in there. It must have been your turds blocking this toilet up. Going to the toilet, hey? One of life's great things that happen sometimes. What do you think about that for a quote? A couple times a day, ideally. Really? one of life's great things that happen sometimes.

What do you think about that for a quote? A couple of times a day, ideally. Really? Yeah, pretty regularly. How about you? I fluctuate. I went down to Meredith on a two-day streak of just being a bit backed up. And you're heading into a music festival in that situation

and you're just like, oh God, I don't want this. I don't want this to be coming on middle of the night when it's raining and I'm having to walk through the mud. Yeah, but do people not necessarily use the port-a-potties, but they just walk up the bush and hang a shit? It depends where you're camping. If you're camping along a fence, you can, but we were sort of in a pretty dense area.

CBD. Middle of the night, I could, but, yeah, not during the day. Well, thanks, Lawrence Plummer. Thank you for all your great-great-granddaddy's work in inventing the idea of getting rid of big turds out of pipes. By the way, there's still, I say this every year, but there's still a toilet at Meredith that has listen to the little dum-dum club written on the wall. Did you see it this year?

I didn't see it, but I feel like every year someone tells me that they've seen it. Right. Because there's like, there's famously there's like one cubicle that's like a disco cubicle that's got like a mirror ball in it and carpet on the walls and stuff. Okay. cubicle that's like a disco cubicle that's got like a mirror ball in it and carpet on the walls and stuff okay that people are always like oh i got to i was just in line and i just i've always wondered which one is the disco toilet and i got it so it's like that and a little dum-dum club that's like i wonder if i'm gonna get this cubicle this time oh fuck because they're all like permanent you know they're not like brought in plastic porta-potties

that get taken away after the festival's done. Oh, they live there? They're like permanent structures, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Oh, great. It's like the same with the stage. The stage is all just like there year round.

Oh, really? What do they do? Do they do anything with it the rest of the year? No. They do the Golden Plains Festival in March. Oh, okay. And that's it. Okay.

All right. We should ask them if we can hire her to do a pod. Yeah. That's not the worst idea. Hey, it's just sitting there. Yeah. You use it. Can we just have it?

You use it for a total of four days a year. Yeah. Give us a discount for like October. Yeah. You don't have to worry about bringing in the food trucks and everything. Before Melbourne Comedy Festival in March and April, we'll be doing a bunch of live pods then. And we're not fit.

We won't have done a lot of live pods. We'll do a warm-up show. We'll go and do a trial there. We'll just go and do a trial there. Work in progress, live podcast. I wonder how – yeah, my friend is friends with the Booker, so maybe I could get through to the organisation in that way. What's the – what would you – it's not gonna be a festival it's just a one-off afternoon

we'll be in there for an hour we'll be there we just have 50 people in there we're not gonna make it a big thing we'll bring our own mics yeah we don't we won't need to use the toilets we won't need to use the camping yeah yeah yeah just just just open one of the little stands yep yep fuck that'd be good just what's the fee just out of interest

what are you going to charge us yeah yeah yeah and just the absolute worst place to go down and do a 50 person fuck around thing oh yeah you know

big amphitheater yeah well thanks Lawrence Plummer thanks Lawrence thank you very much we've just got one more we're literally recording next week's episode right now. As soon as we finish talking for this, we're going to record a new episode.

The guests are here, sitting patiently and quietly waiting for us. It's very good of them to do that. You scared me then. I was like, fuck, are they? I don't know. Are they out the front? Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, wow. Tony Comedy 4. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oh wow

TonyComedy4 TonyComedy4? Yeah wow So that's someone underneath me Yeah that's someone we've discovered Someone less liked than you By your friend Wow

Yeah I would have thought Tommy Little would outrank me But there you go Ouch Oh fuck Okay It's been a tough run for him It's another whack in the face Okay I would have thought Tommy Little would outrank me, but there you go. Ouch. Oh, fuck. Okay. It's been a tough run for him. It's another whack in the face.

Okay. All right. Imagine being less fuckable than this. All right. Well, thanks, Tony Comedy 4. Thanks, everyone, for supporting the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. Get on there. Get your bonus episodes every week.

Get your opportunity to have your name read out. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to the tickets that may well be on sale by now. And voting in the best of end of year poll that is coming up. Yes. This could – there's been – have a look back. Go to our website. Have a look at the episodes that we're on. Don't get on there and say, ah, Fiona and Laurence Mooney. It's like no that no can't that was it's not of all time that was seven years ago yeah um

plenty of plenty of great apps this year plenty of absolute uh little hummers going on uh last couple of weeks including this one i think this is a fun one yeah um but get on the website go back and give a bit of love to the ones from jan feb march whatever it's very easy to think of the recent ones rather than the the ones in months gone by but uh have a lot of love to the ones from Jan, Feb, March, whatever. It's very easy to think of the recent ones rather than the ones in months gone by. But have a look. It's more fun when the best of comes out. You know, some eps in there for a bit further back. Yes, exactly.

All right. Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time. See you, mates.