The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 691 - Nazeem Hussain & Sam Taunton

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

We're back for a new year with guests SAM TAUNTON and NAZEEM HUSSAIN! Tommy's dredging up an old memory from LAST New Years Eve about catching an Uber Pet and along the way we get sidetracked by a yarn about Merv Hughes watching comedy and pitching a movie based around the unsung heroes featured in David Boon's legendary downing of 52 cans on a flight. PLUS Karl's been to a doctor with one of the greatest names of all time after getting some terrible medical advice from Nazeem. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nazeem Hussain and Sam Taunton. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com. We have stuff on sale where you can come and see us live. We're on tour. Adelaide, Melbourne, Koh Samui. If you haven't heard the news, yes, that's right, we are going to Adelaide. Massive news. Guys, get on the website, you'll see all the dates there. Four shows in Melbourne, one in Adelaide, and a bunch in Koh Samui. Yeah.

We'll talk to you more later in the episode about this. We're going to do, once again, our own little bit of SponCon in the middle. But, hey, until then, enjoy this ripper new episode to kick off the year with Nazeem Hussain and Sam Taunton. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler.

With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Jellup. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today for our first episode of 2024, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nazeem Hussain and Sam Taunton. I am loving 2024 so far. It's good, isn't it? God, I'm off to a flyer.

Have you kept all your New Year's resolutions? It was to never do this podcast. Oh, damn. You always stumble about a weekend. It's crazy. Oh, damn it. I've been meaning to bring this up all year, Something that happened to me last New Year's Eve. Whoa.

Okay. All of 2024. All of 2024. I just had it sitting there on the docket for 23. Never got around to it. Yep. Last New Year's Eve, I went to a barbecue in the evening and I took my dog with me. Okay.

Which meant that I got an Uber Pet both ways. Because I have them in Australia. Yeah. First experience with an uber pet okay um so uber pet is just a car that you're allowed to bring a dog you idiot it's a dog that fucking drives an uber no no you're both wrong it's the big car from dumb and dumber that shows up and drives you around get a little bath in the back. That's awesome. That's good. No, so I get a...

I was excited. I was like, I wonder what this is going to be like because you get in the Uber app and it's just a different little thing that you select. So I think it's like a little bit more and getting the one there at like 7pm, it could have just been an Uber. Shows up, got the dog in his little carrier

Right You know The dog can't let her run around the car Well I I didn't I think you meant to It's a play time for the dog Actually

It turns up with a ute And you strap the dog in the back Oh that'd be good And it just gets to hang out the side Yeah Dogs normally Like you're supposed to You know dogs stick their bloody heads out

The nose And have orgasms or whatever Yes Yeah are they Are they supposed to be seat belted in I don't know no so are they otherwise

just normally no no no but in the back of it don't get fined by the police for not wearing a seat belt surely do they need to be in a booster seat or something

no if you put a dog in the back tray of a ute you have to chain them to the ute yeah so that if they jump out you can just be dragging yeah exactly

so you just you suffocate them slowly on the side of the you. That logic never really tracks with me because I do think if something happens, that's just so much more... It's like a BDSM chamber for dogs because they orgasm with their mouth open when the car's driving. Where have you pulled this from? Like, you're saying it like it's fact.

It comes up in probably one of your bloody project videos. Something we need to talk about. Oh, here we go. Look at this dog doing a cum. That's the only time you've seen a dog smile. That's why you think they're orgasming. Because they've got the dogs out the window. It's loving it.

The tail's wagging. That's what you mean. They notoriously love it. No, but it's also like a fact that everyone knows. It's not a fact that they're orgasming. They don't cum. Orgasm. They don't cum.

You would know if a dog is humming. Everyone knows that fact and that koalas have chlamydia. Have chlamydia. Yeah, that one's true. They do teach them as a pack. It's like a little fact. Well, how does a koala come then? I've Googled it.

Jamie, look this up. Do dogs come when they hang their head out the window? Carl 2000, give us another question. The first thing that comes up is, are dogs disturbed by seeing humans having sex? No, listen. Google dog... Out window orgasm.

Listen to Naz. He really seems to know this thing. No, the first thing that comes up is an article on Slate that says, I caught my girlfriend getting pleasured by her dog. Oh, wow. Your algorithm's messed up, man. Imagine walking in on that and being like, My algorithm's messed up.

I'm putting in your request. Yeah, but it's tailored to your bloody preference. So the woman's getting pleasured by the dog, and then to return the favor, she has to then drive the dog and wind down the window so the dog can then come. The dog is rubbing her clitoris? What's happening? Imagine walking in and finding that, and your first thought is,

this is going to make a ripper article on Slate. Okay, literally, I googled dog orgasm mouth open car, and the first search result is weird Quora question. Is it okay to come in my dog's mouth when it is sucking? Okay. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I mean, I've already done it, but I just want to know morally where does this land?

I'm looking at Naz's phone and that didn't come up. That's what you've typed in. That's your search history. That's his wallpaper. Remember how you said... That was just a note in his phone that I've seen written. Before this interview-based podcast started, Tommy said,

don't say anything that you want me to edit out afterwards. Yeah. I've made an exception. Naively, when I started this story, I never could have predicted that this is where it would go when I'm just in the... This isn't even that long of a story. It's just a little tidbit.

Me and you have this notoriously brainiac podcast and then Nass has dragged us down to his level. I just brought up a Quora citation. We were going to use this episode to pitch ourselves as the new host of The Imperfect. It's doing a lot for my mental health so far. I've been so depressed since my dog sucked me off.

It's like the dumb imperfect, isn't it? Yeah. The unperfect. Everyone's more depressed after they listen to it. It's like that dumb imperfect, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, even more imperfect. Everyone's more depressed after they listen to it. You think you're imperfect? You fucking dumb cunt. Listen to us. You know what's imperfect?

Cumming in a dog's mouth, definitely. Oh, I'm rich and it's not everything I thought it'd be. Okay. I've been on that show, actually. Yeah, it's a good show. It's a great show. You're on TV. Yeah. I've been on that show, actually. Yeah. It's a good show. You're on TV. Yeah.

I went to school with one of the hosts. Yeah, did you? Yeah. Look how good he's doing. Yeah, exactly. I did a corporate with one of the hosts as well. And he did a full hour show. What about you, Carl?

You ever met any? I've seen it come up. Carl famously doesn't care about mental health. Can I say one other thing, guys? I'm just having a sip from this Yeti cup that I received. Oh, How Are The Dads Dads? Season one guest, How Are The Dads Dads

with James Blake. He gives you a cup. I just went on... Did you say James Blake? Sam, I went on this other podcast and after going on the podcast once, they sent this very expensive... Oh, really?

They sent this to the house yesterday. Is that what happened from a multi-millionaire that's married to a multi-multi-millionaire? He gave you a cup. What comes first? Respecting the guest and then having success in your career? We've glossed over this.

You referred to the host just then as James Blake. It's James Blake. It's not the singer. Did you say James Blake? Or the career journeyman tennis player as well. James Blake. Maybe that's who you mean. Don't you listen to their podcast, James Blake and Bruce Lee?

Why is journeyman only like a tennis sports thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there any comedy journeymen? No, there's... No, there's definitely a comedy journeyman. There's a lot of... I want to be a comedy journeyman. A journeyman is a cruise ship comedian.

They're literally going on journeys. You should, if you are in that position, that's like a much... Journeyman just sounds cool. Journeyman, no, it doesn't. Journeyman means you've never been good. You've had to keep travelling because no one wants you to stop in one place. Yeah, but also you could see it as a compliment that you kept at it and that you've been able to make some money yeah but this is like this is the worst thing when you see uh

at stand-up comedy nights when you see the mc do a horrible intro to a headliner and they go this guy that's classic they'll be this guy comedy journeyman you go no no no concentrate on how good they are yeah stalwart stalwart stalwart's a big one where I've had to have conversations going, please do not use the word wart when introducing a headliner. Please do not do that. Just the phrase journeyman sounds cool. It's like a real, you know, that thing where people say like. It's like Kenny Rogers, you know, the gambler. Actually, this is how I'm like,

I want to actually be a travelling gambler who dies on the journey. No, but like I said, journeyman, like you're supposed to. I agree with Carl. It's a negative I know the thing itself is negative But just the phrase Just the wording It sounds poetic

It's like the thing where If you had told me as a child That I'll be a journeyman I'd be like, that sounds You're a journeyman Who doesn't want to go on journeys? Put that on your own business card Put that on your own business card

That's cool Sam Thornton, journeyman Oh, cool Not when it's like implying the fact that you haven't really got anything else on, except for that you don't have a house to go back to. No. So it's like, you know how people always say like, if men got periods, then, you know, tampons would be free.

They'd be like, no GST or tax on them or anything. Yeah. The phrase journeyman, it's like, it's such a male thing of like, okay, I'm not a burnout whose career is in the shitter. I'm a journeyman. It's absolute men sitting around like, this needs a rebrand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no journey girls, are there?

Journey girls. Well, they're not old enough to have had the journey. It's got to be journey women. Ursula Carlson tours so much. She's basically a journey lady. She's a journey lady. She's a journey lady. Why are you saying journey woman?

Journey woman. Journey lady. Journey chick. journey lady. She's a journey lady. She's a journey lady. Why are you saying journey woman? Journey woman. Journey lady. Journey chick. Journey lady. That's a good name for a show. Are there any journey cheerleaders around here? She's no... Oh, man, she's stunking up everywhere she goes.

Everyone hates her. She's a real journey bitch. So I'm in this Uber pet. I get my Uber pet to the party. And it's like just a standard... doesn't ask me anything about the dog. No conversation. Nothing different about the car at all. Then I'm at the party.

I leave at about 1 a.m. And it's too late to give this advice to any of the listeners. But the life hack that I discovered, getting an Uber pet New Year's Eve. You get one immediately. Really? Because there's not as many of them on the roads, but there's also way less people. I thought, I'm going to be fucked here.

I'm going to be waiting until 5am. Got one with it. My friend who was getting a normal Uber was waiting for ages. That's great advice, because last year I just put a wig on and got a Sheba. A journey. A journey car. I think you've got it wrong. I think if you're an Uber pet,

if you're a journey pet, I was going to say. If you're an Uber pet, that doesn't mean you're exclusively picking up animals. You're just waiting for pets to move around town. You also do pets. I think you do rides without pets. So they're more in demand. As in like there's Uber people. No, no, no.

I don't think a normal person without a pet Is calling up an Uber pet No what I mean is If you've got an Uber With a cage You can pick up people And you can pick up pets It's like No but it's just

You're selecting You're saying like I'm happy to pick up Normies And I'm also happy to have animals I don't want to get an Uber With a cage in it though And be like

An empty cage And be like What are you doing with that cage bro? Yeah there was no cage I'm not being picked up by a park ranger. Yeah, yeah. It's just... Yeah, he didn't get delivered back to the pound.

Yeah. He got to go home. Yeah. The exterminators show up. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, you want something that you can edit out? He puts you in the cage as well. I'd be more comfortable if you were in his.

Dogs running free. Dogs driving the car. But anyway, that's my little tip if you're ever you know if you're like going to like you want to get an uber quickly it's a great just have a little fucking ferret in your pocket or something book an uber pet you'll get one immediately yeah little ferret in your pocket can i say this this is something that's been on uh on my little list here for a while with unizine you were doing a show and this might be a year ago this might be

I believe this is going back to your time in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here right so you were doing a show after that so you were in the jungle

yeah when was that 2017 2017 sometimes when I do that material I'm like I was recently

on I'm a Celebrity yeah Nazeem it's 2024 I was recently on on Sale of the Century what what when was that on no no so anyway

you were doing a show and I can't remember now because it's been that long it's been like a couple years I don't know whether it was just a solo show or a trial show but I believe

one of your guests in the jungle one of your cohorts in the jungle came to your show as a bit of a like ah we'll go and see what Nazeem's up to

yeah which one because a lot of they basically all they were like yeah we'll come to your show so pretty much most of them came through which one

who was in the jungle we've had Casey Donovan's come so singer entertainer Casey Donovan yeah Natalie Bassingthwaite

oh yes Rogue Trader Rogue Trader Rogue Traders recently came out yes yeah yeah yeah recently divorced

and came out Steve Price shocked I asked him about you Dorkly Award no actually sorry no Dorkly Award winner

got him got him he came through Dane Swan you know Dane Swan I can't remember but I'm going to say

he's come to my show put that on my poster okay Ash Pollard Ash Pollard she's oh the radio lady

radio person she's been on a bunch of shows media personality yeah who else was on the red carpet next to us when we interviewed

I don't know who are you talking about horrible bosses oh really yep sportsman yep sportsman any sportsman Chris Smith

Chris Smith rugby player rugby player oh yeah yeah I was going to say he used to be engaged to Danny

Danny Minogue that's a bad he's now married imagine that being who's Chris Smith oh his ex was this is the world's most boring quiz show

at least people that you know I really like it Zipporah Malka. She never came. Kate Fisher. She used to be married or engaged to James Packer. Yeah, that's true.

But also was like a model in her own right. I don't know what sport she played. What do you mean in her own right? Well, I mean, we don't just want to say that she was sort of married to James Packer. Exactly. She wasn't in the jungle because she was so credit for it. I thought you were like, she thought she was hot. None of those people. Exactly She wasn't in the jungle Because she was getting A credit for it I thought you were like She thought she was hot Oh yeah Um

None of those people Was there a cricketer in there God this is No I don't have a cricketer This is dream Just I did not have a cricketer In my thing

I don't know why you're talking Oh okay No I just thought Shane Warne No no no I thought Yeah he died in your show

No I thought His heart couldn't take it. Oh, Merv Hughes. Yes. He wasn't in with me. Oh, wasn't he in there? But he came, that's right, he came to my show once. He came to your show.

Oh, he's just doing, he's different season, but he's just like such a fan of the brand that he's like anyone who's been on, I've got to get around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's such a massive fan of the brand. They must have sent him a cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he came to the show

so why was he at the show actually don't I think I talked to him he was there with a few other people he's there with the family because I'm doing the door it's in basement

and it's like baseball court it's a tiny room he's huge right he keeps saying baseball club is a tiny room when you sell tickets

I just say guys get in quick $10 tickets tiny room it's the size of every comedy club in the country but it's all relative for Naz Yes. It's the size of every comedy club in the country. No, but it's all relative.

For Nazeem, it's a tiny room. Exactly. No, no, for the audience. What are you doing, Rod Laver? Hey, audience. Whip yourselves up into a frenzy because it's a tiny room. They're thinking three people. Yeah, yeah.

So I better get in quick. It is a thing, though, not to get sidetracked, that it is like, that is the size of, like that's bigger than the comedy cellar basement. Yes. Do you know what I mean but people come and they're like

oh it must be so weird to do an intimate space and you're like no there's 150 people yeah yeah exactly this is what comedy actually is

people see a Netflix special and see 5,000 people there and they think every show is like that yeah totally and they go oh this is going to be weird I'm only catching

COVID off 149 other people this is weird that always annoys me yeah but he was he was one of these really tall family yeah with a He was with his Really tall family Yeah with a lot of family Yeah tall family

Yeah it was like It was kind of weird If I had known That he was going to be there Before I did the show I would have freaked Australian test cricketing legend Murph Hughes

With a massive moustache Yeah I thought he came in Because he was in the jungle With me So there's no connection I think he actually like Maybe followed someone From his cohort

And then they must have shared something of mine. But he said he saw some clips of mine and just became like a fan or something. Okay. And this is to a trial show? To a trial show. Yeah. But imagine knowing Merv Hughes. I need to see the process.

And you're trying some like edgy. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if this joke works. Can I hear Merv laugh? It's like, you know know when you do a show, it could be 5,000 people, Sam. You know how it is. This is a perfect night.

I've got this new googly bit. I'm going to pull this out. If there's one person that you know that you're trying to impress, if there's one person that you respect in the crowd, then that's all you think about. And if something's gone bad, you're like, oh no.

I once did a show that was going well but I heard Daniel Kitson laughing during the first five minutes and I was like this is great and then for the next

55 minutes did not hear him laugh and I was just thinking about that for the last 55 minutes that's so bad what's his Stuart Lee

you know comedian Stuart Lee UK so in the UK ages ago I did Edinburgh and I don't even know how I've done it a bunch of times but like one year

you get on that wave where you sell out quick and it was before I'd even really gotten any reviews so like I think once a show sells out

then people are like that show sold out so anyway it was selling out humility in this story no no look and you're doing a 5000 seat it was a tiny room

5000 seat was tiny though tiny room tiny 5000 seat look at the time and there's momentum it's selling out you know you turn up to Edinburgh the first time you did start selling out It was a tiny room. 5,000 is a tiny room. Tiny room. Tiny 5,000. And there's momentum. It's selling out. You know, you turn up to Edinburgh the first time, you just start selling out.

No one's reviewed the show. No one's there, but you're selling out. In honesty, the hype did not match the show. But in Edinburgh, I was like owning the, I was like, yeah, look, you know, it's a good show. But it's just one of those things, you know, like if a five-seater, I don't even know why I'm defensive here right now. This isn't even part of the story. But basically, right, people were like, oh, that show's selling out. You know, like if a five-seater, I don't even know why I'm defensive here right now. This isn't even part of the story.

But basically, right, people were like, oh, that show's selling out. You know, like if you're a punter, you're like, what's selling? Yeah. You don't want to go into an empty room. You want to go into something that everyone else is going into. And your friends are going to something. It's like you want to go to the high builds. Yep.

So outside the front of Stuart Lee's show, humble guy, and he was flyering his own show for another comedian show. Like, and everyone was just, just oh my god it's Stuart Lee and then he sees me and he's like oh I've heard your show is doing pretty well I'm going to come to your show

and I was like oh oh oh yeah I'll sort your tickets out and he's like no no no all good I'll buy tickets

and everyone was like listening because this is also a comedian who during his own show will rag other comedians will bag other comedians so much of his act is bagging other comedians. What he hates in comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so like. Specifically brown people. Yeah. But I was like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, I'll sort your tickets out. You just let me know when you want to come.

I'll sort your tickets out. He's like, no, no, no. Me and my wife. His wife's also a comedian. What's her name? Bridget. Bridget Christie. Another great comedian.

And so I was like, no, no, no. They're like, no, no, we'll come. And this is like week one of the four week Fringe Festival I said no no no and then he gave me and he walked off just being a little humble and like I'll buy a ticket

I'm a rich comedian and he walked literally for the rest of the season I thought he was in every single show and I was like performing as if

so I do a punchline and then I'd be like I felt like oh that's too obvious for him so I'd sort of undermine it and like

explain the joke a little bit I basically fucked the rest of my season stop selling out my show playing to the back of the road dwindling

oh great and I don't even know if he came I think he might not have even come for the rest of the team there's 5,000 people a night going

why did he say at the end of every joke what do you think about that one Stuart yeah that is a great that's a great motivator just like thinking

that at any night Daniel Kitson might be, it's going to make, you know, it's going to make you really rethink the material every day. No,

I was in a little classroom situation as well. So that's, you know. A little classroom? Once, I think I performed in that classroom actually.

Yeah. Assembly? Yeah, it's a proper classroom. Anyway. Actually, what's her face? Hannah Gadsby used to perform

straight after me in the classroom. I did that room last year in Edinburgh. Yeah. They call it the Nanette Room now. I didn't know you were there as well that year. She would do her show. And her show off the back of the classroom selling out,

she became Hannah Gadsby Global Sensation and I am doing the little dom-dom. Hey, you got that free coffee cup. Hey, you've goterv Hughes to come and see Yeah Merv Hughes is great You've done a podcast With James Blake

And Jamila Jamil I don't even think James Blake would go to Hannah's show So Merv Hughes International test legend And once we're done with this We're still inside

The Uber Pet Story Yes That's not finished yet It's still going That's still going Merv has a dog This Merv story Doesn't go anywhere does it

What That's it isn't it No I'm trying to tell you This story What happened Okay It's still going. Merv's brought his dog. Merv has a dog. This Merv story doesn't go anywhere, does it? What? That's it, isn't it? No, I'm trying to tell you this story. What happened? Okay. You just shut up. It's like you know something embarrassing has happened. Oh, shit.

Don't say what happened backstage. If you can stop bringing up the receipts of how many people came to fucking see you in Scotland, I can tell you the rest of the fucking story. It was the 30th day in a row. I don't even remember. Did you at least see Hannah that year as well? Actually, she was before me. Sorry to keep you waiting.

And so literally after her show, she would be crying on stage in tears because she obviously put it all on the stage. And the tech would also be in tears every single night. And then so I'd have to go and be like, hey, Hannah, you had a good show? And she was like, yeah. That's great.

If you come up every night, she's in tears. You go, fuck, did you stink it up again? Finally, something I've got in common with Hannah Gadsby I had to follow that every like I had to basically

you know and then here I am just like you know so I really you know go back to you're just like

you're just like yeah Hannah brown people have it pretty hard too I get it I get it yeah so anyway so this show this trial show whatever it is everyone comes in I get it. I get it. So anyway, so this show, this trial show, whatever it is,

everyone comes in. I didn't know. I didn't get the heads up. You just see like on the list, on the door list, it's like Hughes M. Dave's brother. Mavid Hughes. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, another Hughes-y. It might be Dave Hughes sneaking in. Oh, my name's Mavid Hughes, you know. No, he's Oh, another Hughes-y. It might be Dave Hughes sneaking in. Oh, my name's Maverd Hughes, you know. No, he's in drag, Mavis. I'm angry! You're a terrific crowd. Get that? Show us your snakes alive!

So, anyway, he comes in with the whole family. I'm like, oh, wow, it's the Hughes family sort of thing. And I'm like, as I walk in, I'm ticking them off, and he it's the the the hughes family sort of thing and i'm like as i walk in like i'm ticking them off and i and and he's sort of the last one he's like trying to organize his family and then he's like oh come on oh come on stop slacking off come on get in here and what and i'm ticking them off i'm stamping them one by one there's like six or seven of them and then really stupidly at the end he's the one last one to come he gets a stamp i look

up and go thank you for your service he just looks at me like I'm the biggest fuckhead of all time he said thank you for your service yeah actually that's quite respectful that's cool

yeah that's a lot of my childhood summers watching the cricket on TV I think we all feel that way he probably thought you meant your service to supporting Nazeem in working out

of new materials Nazeem really needs help he's playing a tiny room. Look how small this shit hole is. He's got to work this shit out. I mean,

you've played Lords and, you know, Old Trafford. Obviously, you're used to big places. This is like indoor cricket. It's like community service.

Indoor cricket being the open mic is great. Try out some new gear. It's like the improv comedy. So I'm trying out some new leg breaks just here in the net. So he comes in and then they, because there's six or seven of them, they come in and they sit like on the edge of the way it used to be,

the old setup. And so he's like sitting right on the edge. And he sits down and he's sitting there quite happily. But like the rest of his family are like, Merv, why the fuck are you sitting there? And they're like, okay, because he's sitting like really far away from everything. And he goes, why the fuck are you sitting there? And he goes, what? This is all right.

This is a good seat. This is fine. They're having this full argument. No one else is talking. Are other people in the audience kind of, are they going like, holy shit, that's Merv Hughes? Yeah, I think so

because they're two foot taller than everyone else in the whole family. I love this thing that the whole family's tall as well. I just find that so funny. He's still got the big handlebar mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw him at the airport recently.

It's popping still. He's massive. He's got charisma. He's also, the whole family's yelling at each other. If I went to a show of someone famous off the telly and then I saw someone equally, if not more famous in the audience, I would assume, oh, well, he's going to get up and do something.

He seems going to interview him on stage or something. Why would he just be here as a punter? He's going to start chucking balls out on stage and he's going to do some classic catches. He's going to get up and do a rap. on stage and he's going to do some classic captions. He's going to get up

and do a rap. Come on, Merv. Get up here. I'll give you a beat. Oh, my God. Something will happen. You're right. Yeah.

Especially because they're making a bit of a spectacle, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm hearing all of this from the desk, so I'm actually a fair way away from it.

And normally if anyone makes a peep in the crowd, you go up and tell them to shut up. Yes, exactly. Is this during the show he's getting bullied by his kids? No, this is like a couple of minutes before it starts. Oh, right before it starts. And are you anyone makes a peep in the crowd you go up and tell them to shut up. Yes, exactly. Is this during the show he's getting bullied by his kids?

No, this is like a couple of minutes before it starts. Oh, right before it starts. And are you aware that Merv Hughes is in there? I honestly had no idea. Okay, great.

No, no, no. This is so funny because the whole time I'm sitting there thinking oh, you'll probably go out there and give him a shout out but this is just completely random.

So you couldn't see him from the stage? Oh, honestly. No, you wouldn't have been. I didn't see him. He's far away. He's off to the side. In fact, you wouldn't be able

to see him because of this. So then part of his family start going, Merv, change your seats. Don't sit there. And he's like, why? I have some respect. This guy's so- It's his kids calling him Merv. Yeah, that's very funny.

So disrespectful. That's very funny. You've just said thank you for your service to him, and then his kids are like, fuck off, Merv. It's really painting a picture of him living like a Larry David existence you know what I mean like what the fuck Merv

but they're yelling at him because of where he's sitting and I'm sitting there going what the fuck is the problem with where he's sitting and then one of them

goes don't you talk to Merv like that they're all good seats don't let him talk to you like that what's the big deal I sit where I want

to sit Merv kids stop calling it a small venue. This is a fucking big venue. This has got to be our project for 2024. We've got to pitch Merv your enthusiasm. Curbs wrapping up this year. The slate is clean. Oh, my God.

This is sort of his runoff. Like Larry David Came from Seinfeld This is like his spin off Coming from the Australian cricket team The Ashes This is a spin off from the Ashes Peter Moon tried to do

The Aussie version It didn't quite work He's the wrong guy for it We found Australia's Larry David As far as I'm concerned Murph doesn't do much With his time Except

Exactly When there's an Ashes on or an overseas cricket thing, he like tours. He takes like 10 guys. You can pay to go with him. Oh, Dave's gone to New York. Yeah. You go on holiday with him.

Yeah, you go on a holiday. And that's kind of Merv's. My uncle did it once. He's Larry. Yeah. What we need to work out is like, who's his posse of like, you know, his equivalent of like

Ted Danson and like No but you're right So Murph Hughes I'm going to be his black friend The one that he lives with Just mooching off him completely You can be his JB Smooth What the fuck Murph

You gotta get in that ass Murph You get in that ass Fridge is looking a bit empty Murph Go fill it up I hit it and I quit it I mean I don't know if that will happen Given that I think that You're getting that ass. Fridge is looking a bit empty, Merv. Go fill it up. I hit it and I quit it. I mean, I don't know if that will happen, given that I think that Merv Hughes is quite a staunch One Nation voter.

Oh, shit. That's more of a selling point. Well, this is F1. It's always Hughesy. The original odd couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Well, no, you're right, because I don't know if you know this, but this might not be – you're not a big sports fan, Tommy,

but like, Murph Hughes, you can go to the Ashes in England and not only watch the game, but you – the package is, it's like Contiki, but with Murph Hughes. Oh, that's tight. So he's taking you to the cricket. Yeah, and the vibe is that Murph's kind of in charge. Yeah. It's like just organising everything for you.

So does he have to actually book the hotels and shit, or they – It's not Merv doing everything Okay one time It's someone else doing it He's not Expedia He's not going on Webjet Booking the flights

You do comedy You do comedy You know that when you're Playing your 5000 seat In Edinburgh You're not seating everyone You're not cleaning up After the show

I wanted to see Stuart Lee There's other people You walk past Flight Centre And the little pilot guy that they've got out the front. It's just Merv. Like, oh shit. I'm here at your service.

There's a lot of admin. No, Nez is like, Nez sees the pilot out the front of the Flight Centre and then looks up in the air and goes, who's flying that plane there? It's the pilot's here.

Merv's like Iron Maiden. He's got his own plane painted up. He's flying you there. We've got to save up the Patreon money and we've we gotta get on This Ashes trip with Merv

We gotta pitch We gotta pitch Merv your enthusiasm Funny fellas presents Merv your enthusiasm She did like the comedy tour You know around Australia To be honest

This is what we do This is the newly announced Coastal Movie International Podcast Yeah it's not too dissimilar Yeah it's actually quite Except Except we're laughing

at like oh imagine Merv doing everything well we're doing everything you know what because Merv's other thing that apparently does

a lot of sportsman lunches yeah so I assume he's got a 20 or something yes you should book him

for the Coaster movie he's got a 20 20 minutes he'd have a 20 minute of like probably just I think I've seen him do like a MC

thing somewhere yeah they've got stories They've all got stories Yeah yeah yeah Someone's punched up Like their stories Of like something Fucked that's happened

20 years ago And they've gone This is how it's done Maybe not You know what That's your way in I always think there's money For like some comic

To approach all these Sporting stars I did it once Oh really Yeah yeah yeah There's a test cricketer Called Rodney Hogg And I was like

Oh man I'll punch up Your stories Cause like But that's brutal Because you're at a sportsman's lunch, he tells a story and comes back and there's some cunts in there going, yeah, I reckon that could be funnier. The fuck do you know? I took 200 test wickets.

I've been telling this story for 20 years. It's not a million miles off. You're still talking about I'm a celebrity, get me out of here from 2017. Keep telling it. Don't punch it up. No, no, no. A comedy man's lunch this is great

so there's again man there's so many off tracks for these stories and whatever this is great the back end of the ep

can just be rapping everything yeah yeah yeah this is a great there's a legendary cricket story with Rod

no not David Boone it was actually in the paper talking about it today. It was in the paper in the last couple of days, which I like because last year. I mean, sorry, a few weeks ago in 2023.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In 2023. Exactly. No, I was loving it because there's that legendary story, which is crazy these days, where he drank on the way from Melbourne to England, to London, he drank 52 beers. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So he started drinking and then people went, oh, this would be fun if we broke some sort of record. So he actually had someone next to him at different points going, hey, I'll sit here, I'll drink 10 beers with you. And people trying to keep him awake because he was getting to 30, 40. You know what I've never really clocked about that story? Is that at some point there's got to be a changeover. At some point he's getting off in Dubai or whatever

and getting onto a second flight. You're that's in dubai in a dry country so it's 20 so it's like let's say it's like 24 hours and it's what 50 what was it 50 52 bs so let's say that's roughly two per hour yes so that's a that's a decent clip yeah so even like by the time you land clip or click whatever right by the time you land. Decent clip or click. Whatever. Right. By the time you land in at the halfway point, you're like, what? Let's say like 20 something beers in.

Yeah. So you're having to be, you're having to be shipped through. That's the bit of the story that no one talks about. I want to hear that detail. You wouldn't be able to drink a half an hour coming into landing and a half an hour. Right. So he loses an hour. Right. So he loses an hour.

Maybe it's because of David Boone. Also, it wasn't a Brett Blake that basically got his legs smashed by the trolley because he was just passed out. He left his legs out for going to Europe and they just ran over his legs every time. I reckon he got some sort of diplomatic passport level exception to drinking. Once you get on that second leg and you're like,

I'm going for a world record here. They're like, hey, you know what? We'll just leave the level exceptions to drinking. Once you get on that second leg and you're like, I'm going for a world record here. They're like, hey, you know what? We'll just leave the cart next to you. Don't worry about buzzing us. The pilot starts serving you drinks. This is more important, actually. This is what I love about the story is because that's the story that, like, you know, he drank 52 beers.

He's come out and sort of said, oh, look, who knows? Like, who's counting at that point? But then other cricketers are going, we were counting. We were counting. We had the sick bag out of the seat and we had a pen and we were writing down. Was this during when he was playing? Yes. This is on the way to the Ashes.

This is like they're going, they hadn't won the Ashes for 20 years or whatever. And they're like, I might drink more than two slabs on the way there. Yeah. Because I've had, anytime I've, like I've had a couple of flights where I've been like, you know what? I'm going to get on one on this flight. And then it's like, maybe like the fourth time you're hitting the buzzer to get another beer. They look at you where I've been like you know what I'm going to get on one on this flight and then it's like maybe like the fourth time you're hitting the buzzer

to get another beer they look at you they don't like you you sort of do feel like I really don't want to get cut off on the flight like if they come over and they're like

hey that's do you ever get every time you want to press it ding everyone around just goes yay mate I'll press it for you

I want to be in the history book but do you ever think about this like this is the one conspiracy I always wonder about because when people go, oh, we never went to the moon, you go, are you fucking crazy? That happened. And then you go, hang on,

look at all the other technology in the 60s and then go, how the fuck did they put a man on a fucking rocket and send it to the fucking moon? How the fuck did they do that? They didn't have power TV. How did the rover turn at that angle? I don't know about that one.

The tracks, it doesn't make sense. I don't know about anything. Anyway, so it even goes back to like, now at this point, I even look know about that one. The tracks, it doesn't make sense. I don't know about anything. Anyway, so, it even goes back to like, now at this point, I even look at people in the 80s in a plane and go, how the fuck did they

get a plane up there? Like people in the 80s were dumb enough. So this story happens in the, Wait, what? This happens in the 80s. Such a weird detour in the story.

Now, he's talking about when he was 40. There we go. Even just like the fact that they load the plane up with like 54 beers is funny to me. It's just like having that much beer on a flight. You're right. Seems like overkill.

But isn't there a photo of him with a... I feel like he brought a case onto the plane. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I might be completely wrong. What era is this? When could you not smoke on flights anymore? When could you bring on two slabs as carry-ons okay when could you do that but he's david boone yeah yeah but he only

became david boone off the back of this story really but again this is what i mean is like but back then and i think it's maybe the australian captain was more it was the most respected person in australia yeah like the office the prime minister used to say the the prime minister is the second highest office in the land. Yeah. First is Australian... And that wasn't even rhetorical. Like, people...

Yeah, yeah. It's not in the team. It's like, you are... Yeah. Well, he wasn't captain, by the way. But in the team, though, like... So, I reckon it's like, first leg, he's gotten... You know, it's like, he's sort of gotten carried away.

Yeah. I reckon there's been a lot of chatter in this... Wherever this connecting flight was going from, where someone's had's had to go like we're on here yeah and give a wording up to the next flight and be like you could be a part of history right whatever you've got to do run into the duty-free shop make sure there's enough fucking tins on this plane okay because we are fucking going for it yeah and if he gets to whatever the previous record is yeah 48 and you're out.

This airline will never hear the end of this. You need to not get in our way here. Maybe they checked before they landed and they went, this is only a two-slab plane. That's 48 cans. We need to restock in Dubai. And it's like, this is a dry country. What the fuck?

How do we get out of this? How do we fold four cans? This would make a great film. I reckon someone's pissed in some cans and he's drunk. That's why you were walking to it? Is that where it was going the whole time? He's on lights by the end of it. But this again, I don't know if this is an episode of Merv, your enthusiasm, or if this is like a spin-off or whatever it is

because it's sort of within the same universe. But this could almost be like our Argo-style film where it's like, we're the guys, right? It's we're in the Dubai airport and we get word that there's not enough booze on the next flight for him to break the record. So it's you and me running around Dubai in a dry zone trying to do whatever we can.

Trying to find four tins. That's so Oscar bait, these two guys that are behind this huge moment in history. No one knows their names. No one knows who they were. But now finally the story is being told. Now boarding. But what I love about this story is that he's come out and said,

like, this is what's happened. Someone's sitting, there's another test cricketer, Dean Jones, the late Dean Jones, he's sitting next to him he's like sat there for 10 beers to go I'll drink 10 beers with you

I've got the clicker yeah yeah yeah I'll go you can for can like the peloton like helping yeah right totally totally

you go in my slipstream yeah yeah Booney's in the yellow jacket we've got to you need to keep it it was white when he started drinking but

so Boone is in the yellow jacket. We need to keep it. It was white when he started drinking. So anyway, this is flying internationally in the 80s, right? He's on the plane. Dean Jones wakes up to hear, because it's gone, attention all passengers. The pilot goes, I need you guys to know, David Boone has just broken the record he's just drunk he's 50 second teeny whoa whoa but like what i don't understand what i've never understood about this was like so the previous record was 51 i don't know like what you know what i mean like why is 52 the number that he had to break his own record from like i think i think rod marsh the wicker keeper i think he drank like 40-something on the way,

like the last time or whatever it was. Right, okay. But I just love the pilot. Imagine being a passenger and being scared of flying, and then the pilot gets on the thing and goes, Hey, everyone, Broody just sunk 52 cans. Yeah, hey, guys. No, you know, we're about halfway through this leg.

We'll be coming into land sort of soonish. Just so you know, the drunkest man who has ever existed on the planet is currently on this plane. Also, the light is on. Please, everyone, respect the plane. Put your seatbelts back on. We don't want anyone roaming around while this cunt is getting sideways. We've edited the sex scenes out of the movies,

but you can get to a point where you've lost all touch of reality. The light is on. Do not walk around the plane because there is several litres of piss streaming down the walkway coming from David Boone. My son, it's his first flight. He loves aviation. Would it be possible for him to meet the pilot? Sorry, that's a bit unsafe.

We can't have just anyone walking around. He's currently counting the ticks on the sick bag to see how many tins have been sunk in 52A. Do you reckon the people who made Airplane, the Zucker Brothers, they made it and then they heard about that story and they were like, damn, we could have had him in there as a character. That would have been a funny thing to lampoon. That's a film to be made. Yeah, it is.

Did they win the Ashes that night? They did. Was that Border years? That was Border. That was 86 when they won them back. I got a photo with me on Alan Border's shoulders when I was a kid. I don't know how my dad just accosted him on the way out of the MCG. On the shoulders is a big ask.

Yeah, like literally gave me to Alan Border. Can you put my child on your shoulders? Yeah. Put me on his shoulders. And they are currently in the midst of doing it again. Yes, we are doing it again. I'm not sure when I'll drop this in, but it's hard to know if we will have done it again by this point or whether we will be mid. Can we have a little bit of music underneath this just to break it up, just so people know that this is sponsored content? Is that alright?

What sort of music would you like? The worst music you can find, please. Oh God, okay. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah, I'll have a look. Yeah, starting now. Hey, the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival is happening, unbelievably. Now, this is happening two weeks, I guess, after we first recorded it. But we are recording this right now, less than one day after we recorded it. And we have had a heap of sales, believe it or not.

So this is definitely, this is something we can't get out of anymore uh it's june 9 to 14 we are going back to coast of moody to do the podcast festival once again uh on the beach in the middle of the south hemisphere and winter i guess i guess the south hemisphere yeah i guess south southern hemisphere it's gonna be winter if you're in australia it's winter but in Costa Mui, it's going to be 33 every day. So if you want, if you don't even want to listen to us, you can go there for the weather. But we're on the beach. We're by the pool. Beautiful food, drinks, all that sort of stuff.

Culture. Just kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know. Australian culture. Mould is culture. This is the arts. Mould is culture.

This culture of living in the little bits in between bricks in your shower. So we're going to be doing live podcasts. Heaps of great guests. Heaps of your like-minded fans of content. And it's an early bird special right now, I believe, still. So it's still cheap. Five nights accommodation. Ticket to the festival.

It's $6.50 for the whole thing. That would be a good deal just on the Ocom let alone the content five nights in a beautiful room and content get on it littledumbdumbclub.com

and now back to them doing it again well speak so going back to Merv so this is we're still back back in Merv's

back in your show not your show wait and was the point with Merv was on that flight? No. No. We just started talking about it for some reason. So Merv is being accosted by the...

Merv is in his seat. It's like a plane. Back in hell, Merv. It's like a plane. He's getting drinks from the bar as well. Yeah, it's like that. So then he's being yelled at by his family. And he's like, what the fuck's wrong with my seat and they go look at where you're sitting you're sitting directly behind

like a bollard you can't see anything and he's chosen that seat on purpose he goes no this is fine this is good he goes and they go why why are you sitting there he goes look i can literally reach beer from the bar from this seat like this is this is where I'm sitting. And they go, you're here at a show. This is stand-up comedy. Oh my God. And they go, and he goes,

yeah, comedy's for hearing, not for fucking seeing. Good point. So good point. Oh, I fucking love this guy. And also,

he probably, I didn't have to see him. But also, you said before that he was a fan. Like, he'd just seen some clips or whatever. it must have been, you know, sometimes you've got like,

Now he's bought a ticket and he's like, I don't want to fucking sit i watched him i watched him for the rest of the show he's just drinking through the show not even with his head up he's just sitting there listening to it like it's the wireless like he's in the middle of the war or something my dad does that when he comes to shows my dad's a listener he'll have his head down and then other people that are there that know my dad were like hey i don't know how to tell you this your dad was on the nod during the show

he slept through your whole show it's like no no he listens he was concentrating he's doing active listening he's shutting off one of his senses

so that the other one can be heard Murph has never come to my show since by the way so I might have lost a follower he should come

and watch see what all the fuss is about maybe he just can't he doesn't know what you look like he can't find he doesn't know what you look like he just he can't find he's like

if I hear his voice I'll get there he's actually been walking around the comedy festival like opening doors and just sticking an ear in does that sound like him

is that him a lot of people say people say Dylan Alcott and I sound the same maybe he's just been going to Ability Fest and he's just been

rocking up to the Australian Open every year Dylan Alcott kills at the basement comedy club there's no

elevator he doesn't go down yeah yeah yeah oh all right well is it back to uber pet

yeah so what happened was there an end to it yeah there's an end to uber pet great great so my uber pet

on the way to the party no you know just a normal uber but my uber pet I book, and then like a minute later my phone rings and he's like, yeah, g'day, mate, it's me, it's the Uber pet. Just down the road, just wanted to get a bit of intel about what animal we're going to have in here.

So they just agree to pick up any animal? Yeah. So he's like, I'm pulled over on the side of the road, I've got the tarp ready to go if need be. The tarp? He's like, I can put the back seats down. Like what kind of animal are we dealing with here? It must cost way more, right?

It's not that. It's a little bit more, but not like, I think it's just on par with booking like a XL or a Comfort. You've got to be able to afford a tarp, so it can't be cheap. But the guy that I got over there, no phone call from him, no discussion about any of it. He's just turned up, and I've got the dog in. I've got Kewpie in his little carrier, so I just sit in the back seat.

No conversation about it. But this guy, he takes the role of the Uber pet driver seriously. So he's like he wants to be prepared. So he's called up. He's like, yeah, you know, I'm all ready to go here. Like what animal are we dealing with? I'm like oh he's he's just a little white crusty and i've got him in a little carrier anyway so he's you don't need to do anything and he's like okay great so then he picks me up and this is the other great thing about it i've unlocked a new tier of uber driver conversation because we get in i'm like what's the weirdest animal oh yes who's the

most famous pet you've had in this car? Do you know how you get Mentos for humans? Do they give them... Oh. They're schmackos. Does he have small talk with the pet? Does he woof woof? Well, this is the hard thing because it's like it's not just...

And does he say like, do we have the window up or down for your dog? Oh, yeah. Does he feel like orgasm tonight? Conversation preferred. Orgasm. Orgasm preferred. That's what the task was. That's what the task was. That's what the task was.

No, mate, he's had his little nuts cut off when we got him, so there's no risk of that. You can't. But yeah, so he was kind of telling me, because I was interested, like what's generally do people book an Uber pet for? Like what's the occasion? And he's like, a lot of people that live alone that don't have a car

that have to go get the animal to or from the vet. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. And I'm like, yeah, what are the weirdest animals you've had in years? And he's like, I've had a few lizards in my time. I'm like, fuck, that's mad. That's no good. Getting a special car for a lizard. For a lizard?

Yeah. You can bring a lizard in a normal car. How big is a lizard though? I'm so bereaved about my nan's funeral. I simply won't be able to get through this without my therapy iguana. Do you have to travel with the pet, or the pet can just go by itself? Oh, pop it in. Can you just say, drop him off?

Drop him a package. Drop off this lizard. Drop off this lizard. At the zoo. You can get Ubers to just deliver stuff for you. Totally. Do you reckon that anyone... You know that thing?

You know how people get old clothes or whatever and they go, oh, you know, we'll give this to the op shop, even though it might be like rags and stuff. You know, the op shop's always got like, have to chuck out stuff. Do you reckon anyone's ever like got a lizard or whatever and gone,

you know what? Take this to the zoo. You guys can have this. Do you reckon anyone's charity given... what, take this to the zoo, you guys can have this. Do you reckon anyone's charity given dropped off animals to the zoo? I don't think you know

how the zoo works. You can't just take an animal to the zoo and go, there you go. I know that. It's not an orphanage. I'm saying,

do other people know that? I mean, it's like when you don't, you know, you have a baby that you don't want, people just leave it at the doorstep.

You're not supposed to do that. At least you know they're caring. Yeah, it's like when you don't you know you have a baby that you don't want people just leave it at the doorstep like you're not supposed to do that yes at least you know they're caring people do it yeah it's like yeah

I lost my train of thought you know actually I don't know where this is but like you know people yeah they drop babies off at the doorstep whatever

yeah there's now a place where it's basically like there's like a chute you open this door you put your baby and then you close it and it locks

and on the other side there's like maybe it's an organisation or a family that or people there that are going to take it's Catholic school right

yeah we'll take real good care of you uber baby oh that's what I was going to say hey baby those people that those people

those babies that don't want to take a taxi yeah or uber elderly uber parents those people that don't want to take a taxi. Or Uber parents. Those people that import big cats. Those people that illegally have a tiger. If you got to the point where it's all too much,

it's not panning out how you thought it would. You call up the zoo, you're like, look, can I get a bit of an amnesty? I'll do you a deal. I can't handle feeding this fucking lion anymore. I thought it was going to be cool. It's more trouble than it's worth. Do you guys want to take it off my hand and not dob on me?

Give me your most annoying monkey. I'll take that as a trade. Yeah. That's fine. Give me a few butterflies. Me and my girlfriend got... Oh, butterflies is a dream. Me and my girlfriend got really into capybaras.

You know, the like... Oh, yeah, yeah,. Me and my girlfriend got really into capybaras, you know, the like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Japan. They're like a... They're weird looking... They're weird little fucking... What are they? Wombat type...

Big wombat kind of semi-elephant kind of thing. What? Capybara. You've never heard of a capybara? It's a real animal? Yeah, look it up. Okay. Google it, Jamie.

Yeah. Bring it up, Jamie. But they're like... I'm actually Googling it. They're native to Japan and me and my girlfriend looked them up. Oh, can you get them in Australia? And you find all these threads of people being like, you're not allowed to have them, but we found a way.

And it's like that impulse that people have of like, I've been told no, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to have my fucking, I want to have a capybara in my backyard. So you got one? And I'll do whatever it takes. And you start reading it, you're like, yeah, this actually does sound pretty easy, all things considered. Yeah. You just have to not risk getting found out and getting fined up the ass.

Dude, they're so cute. I just look them up. They're awesome, mate. Just look. Yeah, they're great. They don't look like anything like an elephant. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. It's like a cute wombat-y thing.

Yeah, they're like big snout. Like a groundhog thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so I'm saying to this guy, I'm talking to my Uber pet driver, and then you'd like this one. Here's my question I throw out. You'll like this. Yeah, good.

I like things I like. What animal would you like to have in here? What animal have you never had? And straight away he goes. Look at Louis Theroux over here. There's an unbelievable line of questioning. Straight away he goes, I'd love to have a big bird. I'm like, I don't know how you're going to go there, mate. There's someone, you making that preemptive phone call.

Should I put down the top? Well, I've got a hell of an ibis with me, so chuck it down. What did he say? What sort of bird Like how How big I don't think he was really fussed That's why he made the call

Just hoping you'd say Yeah I've got an emu here Are you ready for it He's just out there chasing He's just chasing a bird It's his dream Does he have like a Like a plastic

Like a protective You know those Does he have a sunroof Did he have a sunroof I don't think You know those stab protector things That the drivers have Yeah yeah yeah

So he could just get Pecked and shit Yeah but he's Hey he's happy to Who knows He's got a tarp in the back Who knows what else he's got You know one of the first

Things I learnt When I was at law school Was basically this It's called At law school At law school It's like Take your victim

As you find him And so basically Some guy had found out That his wife Was cheating on him With his best friend Or something So what he did was

He put a frog In the guy's glove box, just like as a weird nerdy revenge for that. And the guy was driving. He heard the frog ribbit and then freaked out and lost control of the car and drove off the west gate or something and died. Wow. Basically, it was found out that he had had a phobia of frogs. Even though it wasn't the guy's intention to kill him or that he couldn't be proven that he knew that he had a phobia.

You have to take your victim as you find him. And therefore, he was charged and convicted with murder. I can't remember exactly. Take your victim as you find him. AKA frogless. Yeah. So this guy, I mean, so I don't know what this has to do with. Just animals in cars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's on the same track. Yeah, yeah this guy, I mean, so I don't know what this has to do with. Just animals in cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's on the same track. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tommy told a story and so did you. I wonder if... Now there's a brain going, I swear I've heard about an animal being in a car at another point in time. It's like boasting, you know?

Yeah. I'll sell out. Yeah, I wonder if he's had a frog. You'd have to imagine he's had a frog in there. He would have had a frog. If he's had a lot of lizards and stuff, frogs kind of like parallel to lizards. If you've got a frog,

you don't need to call an Uber pet for a frog. So there's no drop-down box, like when you select Uber pets, it's not like what animal do you have. Yeah, that's a good point. No, yeah, it's weird. It's all the same charge. It can be any animal.

It can be a frog or it can be a giraffe. It's just the same price. You're going to need a bigger tarp for a giraffe. Yeah, I mean, I guess you don't have to select when you get a regular uber what kind of person yeah yeah yeah but i it has inspired me i'm like it just made me realize there's there's uber drivers out there that have great untapped chat yes you know it's like think of all the stories about driving around a fucking yeah chameleon or capybara that you've never... A capybara. I haven't...

Well, this is... Yeah, this was my... That's what I want to do now. Now you've gone in Uber Pets and gone, oh, what's the weirdest animal you've had in here? I want to go in Sheba and go, what's the weirdest woman you've ever had in here? Well, it was my New Year's resolution. I was like, I'm going to get more Uber Pets and strike up more chats with these pet drivers because they'll have some stories. And I haven't... Classic New Year's resolution. I was like, I'm going to get more Uber pets and strike up more chats with these pet drivers because they'll have some stories.

And I haven't, classic New Year's resolution. I didn't follow up on it. I got an Uber the other day and the guy goes, as I'm opening the door, he goes, I'm on a work call. Oh, yeah. Which is already like an awesome way to start the trip. But then he had the work call on loudspeaker and then he was just trying to sell a bloke a staffie

for like 10 minutes yeah great who like didn't really want to buy this coding yeah yeah that's so funny getting in the uber and being like i'm on a work call i'm like are you on the call to me yeah yeah we're working is this pro bono yeah but then so eventually the guy kind of was like okay i'll buy it the guy got him the guy was like he, it's a beautiful dog. It's worth three grand. He goes, but I want it to go to a good home. You seem like a nice guy, 1500 cash.

And the guy's like, yeah. That'd be great if you were in the backseat. Don't do it. It's not good. But then he finishes and he goes, sorry, mate. And I go, oh, cool. Work call. And he goes, yeah, yeah, that's not my full-time gig.

And I was like, okay. I was getting a vibe there with something more. Normally people, yeah, that's not my full-time gig. And I was like, okay. I was getting a vibe there with something more. Normally people say the Uber job is not their full-time gig. The dog selling. And I said, what else do you do? And he goes, oh, it's a bit dodgy. I don't want to talk about it. Wow.

How is it dodgier than selling staffies to strangers? You know what I've noticed in the last six months? They're never, it used to be you'd get in and they'd ask like, oh, do you mind? I was just chatting to my friend. And you go, yeah, go for it. They're not asking anymore you get in and you're just interrupting their private time with their fucking auntie always just like you're just you get in and then it's just a silent and then suddenly you hear them go and they just have this quiet conversation you're like what is he murmuring you know he's got the headphones

but it's great sometimes it'll be silence for 20 minutes and then you hear, and you're like, what's the other person doing on the line? Who are you talking to? Because that's what I think. When they ask, it's like, if I say no,

you're not hanging up. Is the friend just like sitting there just waiting out the trip? If you're driving an Uber as well, it's good to have a bit of company. Yeah, I guess you'd want to chat to someone. Just like the guy in the next cubicle at work, you just got another guy.

I got in one the other day and I had to, I had to call my, I knew I had to call my mom back at some point and I get in and the driver, he's on the, he's like, Oh, do you mind if I take this phone call? And I'm like,

yeah, you know what? If he's doing that, I'm just gonna, I'll just use this, you know, 10 minutes to get this phone call with mom out of the way and like call her. And then he shoots me a look like, how rude.

So then we're just having like dueling phone calls, trying to each ratchet up the volume at the top of each other. That is outrageous. Outrageous behaviour. A feast for the senses. How's this? So, I don't know how much time we've got left,

but... We've just got, this is like introductory chat. Yeah, we've gone back to the start. Put this at the start. Yeah, I actually have to go on a second. just gotten, this is like introductory chat. Yeah, we've gone back to the start. Put this at the start. Yeah, I actually have to go on a second. I'll trim this down to three minutes. So I've,

you see me recently, I've just come from a medical procedure, a checkup just before, off the back of something. Now I've told Naz about this the other day. Finally de-sexed. No, no. I've just had,

I've officially just had, and you've probably noticed already, I've had plastic surgery. Yeah. Really? Yes. See the massive penis on his forehead? There we go. I thought I'd give you the space for someone to take it. There we go.

Hope you got a receipt. When you say plastic, do you mean a melted coke bottle? There we go. He's now permanently in blackface. Everyone's got it out? Great He's done the eyes Permanently

Going to Turkey to get permanent blackface Oh because it's cheaper over there Now the doctors here just will not do it They refuse He's now doing Ronnie's act So I went to the doctors to get To check out this I had this big

massive lump on my back right and because because I can't see it or anything that sounds quite serious actually yeah yeah guys

I've got one week to live yeah because like my family kept saying like even my daughter was like going what's that what's that on your back it's this massive

big lump on my back and I could just never see it and my wife would always be like yeah get rid of it and I'm like I'm sure it's your back it's this massive big lump on my back and I could just never see it and my wife would always be like yeah get rid of it and I'm like I'm sure it's okay

like it's fine but then but then actually you literally had a massive lump on your back and you were like nah if I can't see it

it's probably not a problem yeah well I just never saw it and then and then it kept getting bigger and then I would go and get

this is what actually got me I would go to get like a Thai massage and even they would go oh what's that I'm like me I would go to get it like a Thai massage and even they would go oh what's that I'm like fuck I better get

this sorted you tried to get them to massage yeah if the masseuses don't want to touch it anymore I better get this sorted yeah while they're

jacking you off they're like that thing on your back is disgusting wait did you have to pay extra yeah while I'm getting rid of this

massive lump I need that massive lump gone as well I think that's calm if you could just beat me off maybe it'll snake its way through the system

I've got blue balls I've got a blue back did you is it hand is it head neck and shoulders and bump is it extra charge

for the bump to massage what because it's an extra part of the body so when you're ordering what you want in the massage oh no no no just focus in the massage oh no no no

just focus on the bump thanks no no no where are you feeling tension probably this massive fucking bump on my back leap onto that pole

and walk all over the bump I'm pretty stressed just about the cancer I've obviously got on my back if you could just relieve that massage it out yeah yeah so I went to a doctor

and is that what you did Tommy what is that how you got over your Just a good massage You just need to relax Yeah yeah Squeeze it out like a pimple

Yeah yeah yeah Go to Fiji for a week Come back and let us know Get into meditation Get the cancer out of your bone marrow Yeah yeah So anyway So I go to the doctors to go, oh, look, I guess I should get something done

about this massive bump that even people on the street... So you didn't listen to your wife or your daughter, but some random masseuse was like, maybe get Jeff checked out. She knows what she's doing. You'd think she's seen it all. And I'm getting to a point where I'm telling people, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go to the doctors, and the doctors and they're like oh what for there's this big bump on my back and

they go and they go where is it and then without even clearly a lump yeah yeah yeah and without even saying they'll like go oh where is it and then they just look for like one second go oh that one that i can clearly clearly see through your clothing yeah you probably should get something you're one week away from starting a new gig called bell tower comedy yeah just going down to notre dame hospital okay so i i go to the doctors and they like you know just sort of prod and like poke it and whatever and go yeah that's just like fat that's just like we go and get a scan or whatever but that's just going to be fat that's just like whatever they call it it's like a sort of

not even a cyst we prescribe you like a fatty tissue yeah yeah yeah exactly just a build up yeah yeah yeah you need to do one week

on the Fitbit pod yeah yeah so then I imagine if they're like just go get a massage that should clear it up so they prescribe they say okay

you have to go to this person your back just needs to go for a run no but so this is what happens. I then, I'm on my way. I tell Nazeem Hussain, I go, I've got to go get this cut out. And Nazeem goes, what is it?

Oh, is it like cancer? So I go, no, they said it's fat. He goes, mate, you need to go to the gym. You should just eat a bit better. I'm like, what are you talking about? He said he's got a bit of fat in his back. Yeah, you go, this is you. And this is not him being funny.

This is him seriously going, you need to like change your diet. You need to go to the gym a bit of fat in his back yeah you go this is you and this is not him being funny this is him seriously going you need to like change your diet you need to go to the gym a bit more my back can't do sit ups you fucking idiot

I bet Nazeem's got a hell of an anecdote about a frog in a glove box that'll really put this all into perspective if you ask me about like frogs in glove

boxes he literally thinks that if I do 16 hours without eating I can get rid of The cyst on my back You lose fat From your

I said this You lose fat From your extremities first People go If I want to lose fat Around my belly I've got to do sit ups No it's all about

It's mostly diet And the fat You are a fucking moron If you had a kale salad And the lump just disappeared Just like deflated It'd be true What they say

You know when you lose weight And it goes off your face first and then off the massive lump on your back. Do you think you live in Rocco's modern life? What are you talking about? Put yourself in your body's position. I'm the body. Put yourself in your body's position.

I couldn't be more in my body. Check. When you watched the hunchback of Notre Dame, did you go, fuck, he needs to cut out the carbs? Put yourself in your body's position. Listen, listen, I'm a body. Way ahead of you. I need energy, and he's giving me less calories than I'm spending.

Oh, shit, I'll use some fat. Oh, shit, I've used all the fat. There's nothing. What do we do? Oh, there's a massive. No one check the pantry on the shoulder. As if you're not going to use that as the body. There's no way.

This is very Stuart Lee of you. Wow. Send this bit to him. Yeah, really breaking it down. Yeah, no wonder fucking Merv wouldn't watch you talking this shit. Basically what you did was the liposuction equivalent of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the lazy way out, yeah.

Yeah, so I couldn't go to like a a normal doctor or whatever like they said you have to go to a plastic surgeon which i was like this is so weird to go to a plastic surgeon to get like to think i've been to a plastic surgeon now so but then i go i get recommended to this guy so like i book it all in but the thing is this guy now i don't know about this if this is a well known thing this guy plastic surgeon he's not a doctor I'm going

there was a big scandal about wasn't there that like people are calling themselves surgeons yeah and there's some like loophole there was

but they closed it now yeah yeah so he's not he's not a doctor I just saw like doctor friends getting real pissed off about people

calling themselves surgeons but they're like they didn't you don't go through you don't have to go to like you're not a specialist in the way that other surgeons are specialists yeah i think i want it i want the prefix doctor and there's no doctor with this guy there's no it's not weird that i'm getting a knife stuck in me and i'm getting potential whatever the fuck it is dragged out of me, according to you, fucking Cheezels or whatever the fuck he thinks in there.

A bit of butter. Just hamburger stuff. Falling out of this love. Laziness. He goes, that should do it. He goes, you could have done a few shit-ups, mate. Did you know? A bad exercise routine.

Yeah. So not only that, but I get the text. This is literally, I get this on the morning of the surgery. I get this text and I've I've forgotten which day I'm going so I'm thinking

I know it's in the next couple of days or whatever it is but it's like an afternoon thing I've been told it's like a really light procedure so I get a text in the morning and I forget that this

that he doesn't have a doctor in his name you just forget that you've got plastic surgery booked for this day yes but I know that it's like just like this tiny little

it's going to be a quick so it's not I don't have to block out the whole day. But I know that it's like just like this tiny little... It's going to be a quick. So it's not... I don't have to block out the whole day. Exactly. And I've been given the option I can go into hospital

and I can get put under. I can do all this stuff. Or this guy goes... Or you can just come to my office and I'll bend you over the desk and I'll just dig it out. I'm like, all right. Hell yeah.

So you were given the option to do like proper surgery under general anesthetic or get this guy to just cut it out. Or hop in this guy's spare room and he can just take care of it in 20 minutes. So when you're complaining that this guy isn't a doctor, it's because you've chosen not to go to the doctor.

You went to his shed and he just used some garden tools on you. Isn't that like the hierarchy system? Us, we're misters and then you become a doctor, you become a doctor and then if you become a surgeon you go back to mister again now is that what it is yeah so maybe this guy is just using mister

letting people think that he's past doctor but actually he's just like us maybe right what I find weird what a stupid system what I find weird

is that you didn't go to just like us Thailand to get plastic surgery that's also a good point yeah you never need an excuse to go there I know

I could have actually done this for a procedure. You never need an excuse to go there. I know. I could have actually done this. For a procedure that you don't even need to go under for and it's going to take three minutes. Nah, it's just cheaper over there.

You could have just run to Thailand and you wouldn't need to go there. Yeah, yes, exactly. Just don't eat on the plane. You walk a lot more on holiday. Yeah,

it's 35 degrees over there Just sweat it out Sweat it out mate Don't get a jet star flight Don't buy the meal So don't eat for nine hours How I overcame my cancer So anyway

I get the message I get the notification in the morning I'm like oh fuck that's right That's later this afternoon That's fine But I didn't block it out Because I don't have to do anything special but the guy's name because he's not not doctor his name's mister so i go don't forget your

appointment uh today with mister but his last name is beer so i get my notification is don't forget your appointment with Mr Beer. Now you talk about having like a backyard surgery. Imagine walking in going, I'm going to get cut up by Mr Beer. Like, I honestly, the notification that came up, I was like, fuck, did I have lunch booked in with Milan? Like, who the fuck is Mr Beer? What I love about our pitch for Merv, your enthusiasm, is I'm just realising all the storylines that happened to him,

we can just take your life and then you are and then you have become the Larry David to his George Costanza people being like you know he's actually the Merv on the show

is actually Carl Chandler it's actually all things that he did did you actually meet the guy or was there someone behind a pillar just reaching around with a scalpel

no it was like it was like a glory hole surgery instead of keyhole surgery like a glory hole surgery. Instead of keyhole surgery it was glory hole surgery.

You just put the lump into the hole. His clinic's in St Kilda down by the beach. So I go to my surgery with

Mr Beer. Mr Beer. And go in there. B-E-E-R. Yeah. Awesome. Yes. So I go in there

and it's like honestly I reckon it's sort of like Was it at European Beer Cafe? Yeah. You know like Young Sheldon? Yeah. I. Awesome. Yes. So I go in there and it's like, honestly, I reckon it's sort of like. Was it at European Beer Cafe? Yeah. You know, like young Sheldon? Yeah. I reckon it's sort of like young Tommy Daslow's dad.

It seems like a young version of your dad because he's got the bow tie. Oh, yeah. He's like well to do. He's, you know, he's quite sort of like you walk in there and for someone called Mr. Beer, I'm literally thinking, fuck, we're going to come in here and he's going to have like a hatchet or something. But he's very like, very pristine suit and tie, got the hat on, got like and he's going to have a hatchet or something. But he's very pristine, suit and tie, got the hat on,

got a few little stuffed animals around the way. A hat? This guy's about to do taxidermy on you. Like a top hat? No, no, no. But like a... What do you call them? Willy Wonka vibes?

No, like a fedora? Like a fedora sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy sounds like he's just trying to cosplay as a surgeon. Oh, I'll wear a bow tie and convince him. No, but he was like very... He had the voice. He was doing the voice.

But I think if your name is Mr. Beer, you know that you're working against that. You know, you're realising, like, people are coming in with a preconception. I've got to really, you know... I'll do something so fucked they'll forget my name is Mr. Beer. A fedora will do the trick. Some stuffed animals on the wall.

That'll take the heat off me yeah yeah no you're right like he couldn't have gone to more measures to make me forget he was Mr Beer

yeah you're right yeah like I mean he wasn't wearing a VB singlet or anything like that no

it was like completely the opposite way his whole life has been fighting against me Mr Beer so um yeah so I'm dealing

with him and I'm like the whole time I'm like struggling not to sort of go oh no but the whole time I'm saying to him every time he says something I'm like going oh is that right Mr Beer and I'm like the whole time I'm like struggling not to sort of go oh no but the whole time I'm saying to him

every time he says something I'm like oh is that right Mr Beer and he's like going okay literally a lifetime of that

yeah yeah yeah but I'm like I can't help it I fucking love it Dr Beer's probably worse actually Dr Beer's pretty funny yeah Mr Beer's

also very funny one pint of you please yeah yeah yeah so and I'm like Put yourself in your body Alright

Talk to me Put yourself Yeah Did you ever Did you work out What his first name is Oh no I didn't Damn

Fuck I should find that out Low Delicious I don't know Yeah yeah Fuck it I can't be related

Yeah What Pint of Yeah What's a What's a first name that sounds like a light? Yeah. No, I don't know.

Nothing. Anyway. So I go in and I don't meet Mr. Beer first. I meet the nurse. So I get Mr. Beer's nurse and come in. Nurse vodka? Yeah. So I go in and I have to sit down.

And it's like a dentist chair in the end so I sit down in the dentist chair and they go and they've said to me you can't I rang up to go

because I thought it's going to be this big procedure can I bring in a laptop can I bring in a movie can I do whatever and just watch that bring in a movie

yeah comes in with the reel such a child what do you mean you don't have a projector I want my iPad yeah I thought I could do that

what am I going to do though because I think I'll lie down and they'll like you know fucking stick some needles in my back so you can cut it out

yeah but what am I going to do while you're doing it yeah yes actually I ring up to say that I ring the reception and I go can I watch some movies

or something and they go no I go really because I thought I could lie down and watch a movie and they're like no you can't do that I'm like oh fuck so I come really because I thought I could lie down and watch a movie and they're like no you can't do that

I'm like oh fuck so I come in and I sit and I I thought I'd just like face first face first and watch a movie

I need to do something I need to think about something why do you offer this surgery at points if I'm allowed to watch a movie can I I booked it for gold class surgery

I want a gold class surgery so I want chalk top I want a movie I booked a scalpel class surgery. I want a gold class surgery. So I want chalk top. I want a movie. I booked a scalpel class ticket that gets me the surgery and a screening of Ferrari. What kind of fucking operation are you running here for? So I come in here. I think I'm going to lie on my front. I'm not.

I've got the dentist chair. I'm like, I don't even know how this is going to fucking work. I'm sitting on my back. How the fuck is this working? So the nurse sits me down and then goes and like mucks around with all like because it's the same as like a dental surgery they got the light they got you know all the stuff around the the little like side table and whatever and i sit down there and she starts talking me through and i didn't realize she'd lowered down

the like the lamp and then she goes oh you have to get up now and i get up and i whack my head against the light and it's so fucking heavy that it actually cuts my head and i get up and i whack my head against the light and it's so fucking heavy that it actually cuts my head and i oh my god i get up and it's and it cuts my head and i go and i can't help myself i go fuck and i just scream and you know the thing when you get you get intense angry anger when you hit your head yeah yeah yeah so i hit my head and go fuck what's that the fucking anesthetic and then and then i'm like then she just goes real quiet. I'm like, oh, I'm the problem patient.

Yeah. Like I'm in fucking big trouble now. They were already going to be talking about you at the Christmas party because of this movie caper. Now you've done this. Yes. And also I'm angry

and I'm angry at the person that has all the knives that they're about to stick in my fucking back. So then I walk in, I don't walk in there. So then he walks in and I'm just like, fuck, you're going to do an extra fucking back so then i walk in i don't walk in there so then he walks in and i'm just like fuck you're gonna do any extra work yeah yeah yeah yeah they're making their own work i'm like you do you want to do anything so then the first job is i have to look

at my head and then your brain damage is this pre-existing so it's like they're so then but they're like they're doing they're doing the whole oh yeah sorry that you did that

there and I'm like not I did that like you put that there they've gone into defence mode they've gone into Karen mode

yeah yeah yeah they've gone into defence mode so that's not their fault it's like oh yeah weird that you did that I'm like well it, you did do that. No, but they put it there and then they told me to get up.

It's like you're gearing them up for a lawsuit immediately. My friend Nancy is a lawyer and has a story about a frog that will fuck you up. Anyway, look, it doesn't matter if it's your fault or my fault. Let's just get on with this so I can fire up the banshees of initiative. So you start off in a bad way. You're arguing about the life yeah yeah yeah so then i'm like so so then they sit down i go and i i obviously straight away go yes i'm just sitting in the in the dentist yet and they go yeah and i go well how am i how are you going to do this operation on my back i'm squashing the you just Just move over a bit. Just twirl over a bit.

Just move over. On your side kind of thing. Just show us your back a bit more like that. I'm like, okay. Show us some skin. So I'm just doing this. I'm going to be sitting here for like an hour or something. Just like a little shrug.

Yeah, like a little shrug. A little cute... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that. I just do that for an hour. And they go, yeah. And I go, wouldn't it be better to like lie down or something? And they go, no, it's fine.

Was this clinic like in someone's garage? No, it's fine. Was this clinic in someone's garage? No, no, no. It was like a spare room. Oh, so it was a house. Yeah, it's like a house converted into a doctor's. That's so weird where it's like the more upmarket the doctor, the less like a doctor's office it is. You know what I mean?

It's like the really expensive ones. You're like, I'm just in a house. It makes me feel worse about it. Honestly, when I was sitting there, and I took a picture of this, honestly, the thought that was like a tax dodge Honestly When I was sitting there And I took a picture of this Honestly The one book you could see Really clearly From when I was sitting there

Was this big Like a book about general surgery By Dr. Kappa And I was like This is a bad omen That's a bad omen This is a really bad omen Yeah

So then I'm sitting there I'm going So I just have to shrug for an hour Like yeah yeah yeah And I go And I've got nothing to watch Yeah and I go I go well It would have been nice I actually ran out And I downloaded Happy Feetug for an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've got nothing to watch. Yeah, and I go, well, it would have been nice.

I actually rang up. I think I made it happy feet too for this as well. Yeah. And so he's shrugging like both. Yeah. I got Disney Plus just for this. I go, I actually rang up and I asked if I could bring a movie in. And they said, no, don't bring a movie in.

So it would have been nice if I had that option because now I could clearly have watched the movie. Yeah. And then they go. Oh, my God. Sound like my son. And they go, oh, that's a shame because you actually could have done that. Like, I don't know why they told you that.

But you could have clearly done that. That's awesome. And I go, well, I've got my phone and I've got my headphones. I could just watch. I've got Netflix on my phone. I could just watch one now. Can I just do that? Can I do that now?

And they go, we'd actually, the doctor the doctor goes sorry the mister goes well i'd actually prefer you didn't and i'm like why does that interfere with the surgery or something like that and he goes no but i'm just here with this nurse and we've we're not really talking to each other at the moment so we're not we don't really have anything to talk about. Oh, my God. So you could just not do that. What? And then you could just talk to us. Oh, my God. What?

Okay, all right. I guess I'm just going to be in the middle of this hostile sort of situation now. Whoa. What the fuck? The fact that he admitted that. Yeah. And so I just had to sort of, you know, like. Imagine your relationship being so bad that you'd rather talk to him than have a baby.

Jesus Christ. A newly brain damaged cancer patient. Newly brain damaged. That's being generous, newly. Yes, I just had to sit there and talk to those guys for an hour. What the hell? What question? Play relationship counsellor.

What question? Have you used an Uber Pet? Ever operate on an iguana? Taking a shit in a playground? What's the biggest lump you've ever got? Wow. Yeah. Pretty good.

You definitely asked what's the biggest lump you've ever seen, right? Did you tell them what you do? Do they know what you do? Yeah, yeah. There was a lot of that sort of stuff. There was a lot of like... Oh, you know what? There was a lot of...

This is so much worse than being in like a cabin having to make small talk yeah because at least in a car you're like you've you've got the visual you're like i'm a couple of minutes away from the destination yeah but it's an operation like this it's like you don't know how long you're going to be in there for yeah yeah you don't want to use up all your good gear too early man honestly it was a conversation where you don't want to i don't want to say oh i work in comedy because then it opens up like all these questions but they were like it was, it was a conversation where you don't want to, I don't want to say, oh, I work in comedy because then it opens up like all these questions. But they were like,

it was weird. It was almost like they were fishing for it. Like they knew something and they were like looking for it because they go, first thing was like, oh yeah,

what do you do? And I'm like, oh yeah, oh, not just a bit of this and a bit of graphic design. You know, I like to pump that one out.

So there's no questions about that. And then they say, yeah, I went and saw Joel Creasy the other night. He was great. They're scratching the surface here. Interesting. Yeah. And then they go, yeah, went and saw Joel Creasy the other night he was great they're scratching the surface yeah

interesting yeah and then they go yeah we've got tickets to see him go and see this Christmas special thing and I'm like because I'm like I was like writing for it

and I'm like okay the lump weirdly starts getting bigger yeah yeah yeah because every time they mention another comedian doing well

it's just growing and growing and growing it's like the end of Akira by the end of it. Why's it turned to green? Yeah. The lump on my head

is just flashing. Swallows up the whole city. And the nurse starts going, yeah, yeah, I went to Thailand last week. What the hell? Fucking hell. You want me to talk about this stuff.

You're thinking you're on a new prank show. Yeah. This is too specific. You're flushing me out. you want me to fucking talk about all this sort of stuff so yeah yeah i end up just like talking about it and going oh you're fucking you know okay well all this sort of stuff it's funny you said this because i do this and i do that and i do all this sort of stuff and they're like oh how'd you get there and then you know of course i i start talking because i go the movie's just a distant memory yeah yeah yeah now I'm just holding court

I'm like oh yeah we've got this podcast I do comedy I write for Joe Grazie and I do this Thailand well we did this podcast so we did all this

sort of stuff and by the end of it like I said because I said oh we did this podcast and we did it for three years and whatever and we don't do it anymore

and I'm like oh why what happened I'm like I don't know if you heard of this thing called COVID but yeah you couldn't really do anything for a fair while and he whatever we don't do it anymore i'm like oh why what happened i'm like i don't know if you heard of this thing called covid but yeah you couldn't really do anything for for a fair while and he's like you should do it again why don't you do it again you're fucking crazy not do it again i'm like oh maybe we could do it again you know that'd be great

so then that was the surgery wait and then by the time i came back for the check i literally did the checkup then on the way here so i went went you have to come back in and make sure it's not wait so by the end of that conversation it had all been taken out yeah that conversation feels like it was it's like the equivalent of like talking to a kid while you've got the tooth tied to a string yeah and the way you chat to me just yank the door open and they don't realize no totally it had all been done they might have researched you it all been done because it got to that point where i go oh yeah and then they go you can go now i'm like what do you mean they'd sewn me up that everything had gone and i was like oh can i get to see all the shit that got pulled out of me and they're like oh no that's gone or whatever

i'm like oh damn because that's the question everyone else like why did you get to see what it was you know you you would have thought it was a cheesecake or whatever the fuck but yeah so that's all gone but um hey just because i know taunt has something directly after this i'm 10 minutes late already. Boonie, you've got to slurp down that 50-second count so we can come into land. Yeah, we're all done. It's funny because that was weeks and weeks ago.

By that time, we worked out, me and Tommy worked out. We're going back to Coastal Mill. We're doing the podcast vessel or whatever again. Because of Mr. Beer. Because of Mr. Beer. Because of Mr. Beer. Mr. Beer presents. Yeah. So he comes back. I do the check-up do the checkup today he goes oh yeah it's all fine and i go oh thank you mr beer yeah thanks very much

mr beer and i go by the way and he got and he also goes uh he remembered all the conversations so when he walked in he goes hello or should i say i'm aware oh really yeah and i'm like and i'm thinking because i want to tell this story on there and I'm thinking because I want to tell this story on there and I'm thinking oh fuck should I tell the story because he's going to listen

and then I'm like oh thank fuck I didn't fucking tell the story because then he goes oh yeah I'm aware I go oh have you been listening he goes no not at all

oh okay I just picked up the language from the socials how did he know because well because it's funny because he because of all that sort of stuff happening.

Because of me being bored during the surgery, I actually took a video of him like sewing it all up and he goes, do you want me to say anything? And I go, can you just say I'm aware? And he goes, all right.

And so he has no idea of what it is. I was just thinking I'll put this on the socials. He's just remembered that and then said that again today. And he goes, oh, so how's the podcast going i go oh man we're going back to coast of movie he goes oh you're welcome i'm like yeah it's your you did it you did it i like the idea you saying you should do that again i'd never

thought of that before yeah yeah yeah i think he just thinks you hit your head so hard and then fantasize this whole world where you have a podcast and a successful comedian. He's like, that guy's crazy. He's like a sleepwalker. We can't tell him that this is deranged. We just gotta let it go. I'm aware of your little podcast. I'm sure you make a living doing that, mate. Sounds cool.

Yeah, you write for Joel Greasy. A 50-year-old man from the country. I really see that reflected in the material. Alright, we better wrap it up. Thank you, Nazeem and Taunce, for joining us. You guys both have tours next year. That's so true.

This year, 2024. How dare I? This year, 2024. Nazeem, your show is totally normal. I've got it everywhere. Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Brisbane. Gold Coast, Canberra, Perth. Check all that out.

Wellington, Auckland. Oh. We've got Wellington, Auckland Yeah New Zealand Officially ruled out of the Coastal New International Podcast Festival Because your manager said no Well

Well There is a Yeah She's just a middle person Right She's a journey woman Between you two Yeah

She's the person who knows What your schedule is Yeah But there's a possibility, you know There's a possibility Okay, alright Okay So you're saying there's a chance

I don't know Taunts What's the tour called? It's called Hound of Tie Tie Yep And it's going heaps of places Not Perth Or maybe Perth later

Cool Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney Brisbane Canberra, Gold Coast, Sydney Beautiful Did we say that? Brisbane Yep

Yep And you got your own podcast The Good Stuff The Good Stuff Please listen to The Good Stuff Canberra Gold Coast Sydney Beautiful Did we say that? Brisbane Yep Yep Melbourne And you got your own podcast The Good Stuff The Good Stuff Please listen to The Good Stuff You got your own Some say you were on a TV show

Called The Project Oh fuck I had the best thing to talk about About the podcast I just realised then Damn it Next time I do this I'll bring it

It's so funny Great good We'll make a note That's some sizzle That's beautiful Thanks everyone for listening And we'll see you next time See you mates See you mates

And they've done it again And they've done it again They've done it again Yeah they have done it again Welcome back To the Yeah that was the first episode Of 2024

Yeah What a good It bodes well For the rest of the year If the content's gonna be that hot And that long That was very fun Because we're

Peek behind the curtain Recording this At the end of last year. Yes. When you would think we've run out of juice. Yes. Weirdly, this was recorded in the past, not in the future, as you may have suspected.

Yeah, that is, we're recording that just Christmas, not Christmas Eve, but nearly Christmas Eve. Good to get that anecdote out that I've been sitting on for an entire year. Oh, me, yeah, and also me with the surgery, to be honest, as well. Was it like in August? I keep having it on the list, and it's not UberPet. It's enough of its own thing. And I'm like, boy, I'm going to be shoehorning this in.

This happened on New Year's Eve. And then I'm like, oh, hey, a New Year's Eve has just happened when people hear this. Well, we had enough content. It's fresh again. We had enough content that I probably didn't need the surgery story, but I remember the genuine earnest argument I was having with Naz about, yeah, just like intermittent fasting just to get the kilo of fucking water or whatever it was off the middle of my back. We had a really bizarre turn of events where we recorded the episode, we did a bonus, we

were sitting down to do this, our last bit of content for the year that we have to do before a two-week break, and then almost like it was from a movie. We were seconds away from turning on the microphones, and your phone rang. And it was your... Your child's school has flooded. Can you come and pick up your child right now? Everything's underwater. And according to the government, we're not allowed to keep a child underwater like a fish.

The timing of it was insane. Yes. Like, not we just started recording. Yes. Not we were in the middle of the last thing. So that episode just happened. I get the call. I picked up my child.

We've come back to my place. You've gotten an Uber and come. Did you go Uber pet? No, I didn't go Uber pet. I should have brought my dog. I did think about it. I said I'd come around here and I forgot that my girlfriend takes my car on Thursdays. Oh, blanket.

We just talked about me going to the plastic surgeon. When I go to the doctors, what do you always ask when I go to the doctors? Chop your head off. That's great. Yes. That's awesome. That's what she's doing now as I'm going back to get like... Your child is in the room with us, by the way.

Yes, that's the child. That wasn't me doing a bit. We're babysitting. She's the fifth beetle. Yeah. When I got the thing chopped off my back, now she goes, great, you're going to go back and get your head chopped off. So, yeah, it is my child. Do you think that...

We're not doing the paternity test. Yeah, yeah. That'll do it. Do you think they... Yeah, I wonder if they'd do that. Yeah. If you went to a doctor and said, can you cut my head off? Yeah.

I've had enough. Yeah. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself. Yeah. But, yeah. And by the way, enough. Yeah. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself. Yeah. But yeah. And by the way, Mr. Beer, in my opinion, did such a great job. Should be a doctor. I'm awarding Mr. Beer an honorary doctorate from the University of Chandler.

Well, hey, here's something. Here's some content to sizzle for the start of next year. This year, sorry. I don't quite know when I'll end up getting this done but it's funny you're talking about plastic surgery oh look go to mr beer get a big set of double f's i don't yeah i don't i don't think mr beer can do what i need okay i have to accept well not really but i kind of have to get a nose job oh really in the new year yeah are you going to be one of these people that comes back with this reed-thin nose? I mean, oh, it was just my breathing.

It was just my breathing that it was... Well, what it actually is, because I have rosacea, so I've gone to a dermatologist for a while to get that in line. And I've got, like, on my nose, it's just always, like, the pores are really open, so I've got...

They sort of said there's, like, a two-prong thing that you can do where there's like a buildup of kind of tissue underneath it. My plastic surgeon can get those two prongs as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you need them? Yeah, get it all out. In front of the kid, that's great. So yeah, they take all the, they get all the buildup that's in there out

and then they like kind of fix up the tops of the pores. They're all kind of sealed and not as brutal. So that's going to be my cosmetic surgery for the start of the year. What's that, an overnighter? How does all that work? I think it's just an in the chair. It's like a two-step thing where it's just like it's laser. It's laser stuff.

So I don't think it's too like invasive. Bring a movie. Yeah, I'll load up. I'll save up some Hemsworth. Yes, get some full-on pornos. Yeah, I'll load up. I'll save up some Hemsworth. Yes, get some full-on pornos. Long episode. That was great. Heaps of content.

So let's cut Talking Dun Dun short today. Yeah, okay. See you, mates. Yeah. Thanks, Gary, John, Ted, Bill. Yeah. It was that stressful thing where I knew that Taunce was on a tight schedule and I knew Nazeem was going to tight schedule um and i knew nazim was

gonna run late getting there and then we end up doing a long ep and i can just see taunts just looking at his phone being like good lord it's the fight because you're in a hot riff and then you're like but i need to go but this is also fun and i don't think you had that information so i'm like when you're the one that's aware of it and you're like looking at him and you're like like i'm getting stressed on his behalf because like that feeling where you're just in a room that you can't get out of and then you're looking at your phone and you're like these people are going to be so mad at me yeah yeah yeah yeah um well let's have that feeling now so we can go on our holidays this is it this is our yeah once this once this talking

dumb num episode is over this is our holidays for two or three weeks. I told you off air, tonight I'm going to the park for my neighborhood dog's Christmas party. And I'm just going to take it over and claim that it's the little Dumb Dumb Club Christmas party. Oh, great. Because this is it. We're done after today. So I'm going to turn up and get absolutely leathered. Great. Get pissed with your dog.

Yeah. Just, you know, nice little bonding moment between the two of you. What's the, I wonder what, because there's like, cats get like kind of high off catnip. I don't know if there's like a dog equivalent. Yeah, dogs don't need it I reckon. Dogs kind of feel like the alcoholics of animals. They're just dumb all the time

anyway. My dog accidentally, actually I don't know if it was accidentally or not, but he had a little bit of custard the other night. And now he's... Anytime he sees that custard coming out, he's going crazy. Yeah, nice.

He wants the custard. I'd like to have a cat that likes something that much. She used to like... Like, if I'd get, like, cheap fish from the deli, she'd go crazy for them. Like, this...

You know when it's, like, just nice to get a reaction? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a positive reaction off someone? Yeah. Okay, I'll just buy you this fish and then, like,

three fish later. Not for me anymore. Not for me. Okay, well, now you don't like a positive reaction off someone. Yeah. Okay, I'll just buy you this fish and then like three fish later, not for me anymore. Not for me. Okay, well now you don't like anything. Yeah, interesting. Cool. Yeah. But speaking of liking, not liking everything, here's some people that like, that must like everything because they even like us.

They even like giving us money. They are part of patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. They're part of the family. Yep. They're part of the family that pay us to be related to them in some way. And you get on there, you get your bonus episodes every week, two bonus mini episodes.

Got a couple with Nazeem coming down the pipeline that we were able to squeeze in that were a lot of fun. As we just had enough time, just as my daughter's head was being submerged at her daycare i was just hold off can you just give her a breathing tube or something we're in the middle of this riff with naz yep they're like okay yeah you only got five more minutes and we made it just break out the

submarine yeah nothing bad ever happens in there cut her some gills yeah whatever you need to do um so that's coming up very soon or in the past depending on when you're listening to this episode but most importantly give us that money it's a new year it's a new you it's a it's we want some of the money from new year that's interesting how many people had give money to the little dum-dum club patreon on their new year's eve resolutions yes exactly guys the stop being a freeloader all these years. Make yourself a better person. Give back to the people who've given you so much content.

Exactly. Let me tell you some people that don't need to make any new year's resolution. Unless the resolution is keep it up. Keep on there. Keep it up. Thank you very much to Patreon subscribers. This might be our first couple to have subscribed. Do we allow this?

Is this allowed? Thank you very much to Mr. and Mrs., I assume, Joel and Kate Dawkins. Interesting. Yeah. What do you think of it? Unless it's a brother and sister team. Well, I mean, I do feel like- I could not imagine that.

We have had- I feel like we've had individual members of a couple both being on there. Yes. I mean, this is the equivalent of like you email someone and you get the reply and it's like from a joint account. Yes. It's like X and X surname. The joint Facebook account. These are free.

Yeah. Grow up. Yeah. Who wants to be wading through emails and not know if it's for them or their partner? I do like, I do love the idea of the couple

that both listen to the show. Yeah, of course. But not at the same time. Like, I think it's, well,

no, I like that idea. Do you think they're saying because they only ever listen at the same time, that's only counting for one play and download of the show.

Yeah, yeah. So therefore, they're only one one listener if they were both listening separately on their commute to work on the headphones yeah then they'd be like well there are two of us consuming this in the house it's only fair but they're like we're only chipping in money for the like technically yeah one listen one listen yeah i like the idea that they've they don't even have a joint bank account but they've got a joint patreon account so they're both having to divvy up their bills at the end of the month oh yeah and here's the five bucks for tommy and carl yeah you give give us here's five of me here's five from you we'll chuck it in there um but i like what's better for them to be listening like old school

around the wireless at home listening to the episode when it drops on wednesday is that better or is the idea that they're going out going to to work, listening to it on the way to or from and then coming home on a Wednesday night and going, what did you get up to? How was work? Good. Oh, just discussing it when they get home. And what do you think of Tommy and Carl's today?

Yeah, yeah, I like this one. And then they get to talk about it over dinner. What's nicer? What's quainter, do you think? I think the, well, when you say gathering around the wireless that assumes that in that scenario they're listening to it and they're not discussing it at all yes but they can you know they're making dinner on a wednesday night and they've just got it on loudspeaker they're listening to it they're laughing along at the same times or no but this

goes back to my original point is like if two of you are listening and if if you happen to listen like in the car together yeah that's fine but at the end of the day what's better for us in terms of like getting ads and all that kind of stuff we need those downloads so if the two of you do listen to it together around a shared speaker right that's fine right but then what we need one of you to do is just then get onto your ip, open up the app, mute the phone and just let it run out in a separate room. So we need to be getting, we need the numbers to be reflecting more realistically the exact number of people that are being sold to. Yes.

Okay, thank you. Well, Joel and Kate, if you could do that, that would be great. It's good to know. So in that sense, what i like is them separately different commutes to work both listening on their own time yeah and then coming home and having a little chat about it around the dinner table and like ideally you know it's very selfishly i i would prefer if you're going to listen to it you know if you like to listen in a couple i'd prefer both of you to cheat on each other and then start listening to it with your

your dodgy partners oh yeah yeah then we're then we're expanding out yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck as many people as you can and introduce the podcast to them because i like that i mean that way you can have one of you can be a you know some one of you might be a double speed listener you know those freaks and the other one might be like i can't imagine anything worse than listening to a show like that yeah you know if you're listening separately you can have your you can have your little rituals you can pause halfway through and google the crap we're talking about yeah are you sure do you think this content is in any way uh influenced my four-year-old child is just sitting here we're in the same

room we're babysitting basically well you dropped a cuss just before which I thought was interesting. Yeah, well, she doesn't understand. Hey, what do you think? Is this a good episode of Talking Dumb Dumb so far? Blanket? Is this interesting? Is this good? The way you're just lying there staring at the ceiling and waiting for life to end.

Are you enjoying this episode? Well, she hasn't walked out. Yeah, you're right. She's in her house. You're right, actually. She knows where the devices are. You're right. She's got her bedroom. It's full of toys. Yeah. She's got There's a shopping, toy shopping trolley there. There's like a, the cat's around. She could play with the cat. I asked if she wanted

to use her tablet. She said no. Yeah. So, okay. Well, she's a listener. Yeah. I've got to start giving her pocket money so she can subscribe to Patreon. Oh, yeah. That's what I need. This could get her in. I need this money back. There's going to be a last minute addition to the Christmas list. I need to give her money so she can pay Patreon.

Then they can take their cut and then it can come back and then I can only get 50% of it. Yeah. And the other half has to go to you. Yeah. Right. Okay. That makes sense. That makes sense.

I'm on to it. Well, thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Joel and Kate Dawkins. Mr. and Mrs. Dawkins. Please let us know how you consume the show. We would love to know. Do you listen separately or do you listen together? The pod delusion.

Yep. Or is this Joel? Get it? No. Isn't that Richard Hawkins? Maybe. Isn't that the guy? The God delusion?

Maybe. I don't know. Is that the guy? Maybe. Oh, whatever. Let me know. Yeah. Actually, don't.

Because by the time you hear this I will have forgotten saying it Yes And you'll go Joel Dawkins What? The answer is yes What?

Who? Okay sure Okay What? It might be Here's my tip It's Joel Dawkins Just saying

This is from both of us And Kate being like What's that show? Oh yeah yeah yeah Yeah That's I mean You know Have a bit of a laugh. I'm putting my dog on the Christmas cards to mum and dad.

You know, he chipped in. Yeah. Kate, Kate's your dog. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tom Ferry. Kate might be the dog. Yeah. That would be cool. Yeah.

Someone subscribing on behalf of their pet. A dog called Kate is good. Tom Ferry. Thank you very much to Tom Ferry F-E-R-R-I-E Oh damn No? Well I thought it was going to be You know like a ferry

Oh you thought this was an actual ferry That was subscribed Yeah like a tugboat Like when they had that infamous Ferry that they named Oh Boaty McBoatface? Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. You thought this ferry had just been named Tom.

Tom. Tom. Hey, maybe I'm biased, but I think it's a good name for a boat. Maybe. So in this scenario, they've named the ferry. Yep. And everyone voted Tom. Everyone was like, Tom is a great name for a ferry.

Then this ferry is now subscribing to our show. Yep. Right. So there's a public is now subscribing to our show. Yep. Right. So there's a public vote. It got named that. Yep. Then it becomes sentient off the back of all of that business. And then it started listing.

So apparently if you travel on this ferry, what, they just listen to this show on there? I guess so. I mean, they've got those speakers for announcements. And like I've said before on the shows, like, you know, when I've gone to Thailand, they always pick something. Like they've always picked Mr. Bean. Just for laughs. Just for announcements. And like I've said before on the shows, like, you know, when I've gone to Thailand, they always pick something. Like, they've always picked Mr. Bean. Just for laughs. Just for laughs.

Gags. Yeah. Stunts and sketches or whatever. This is a ferry that doesn't have any of that. They just have this podcast. Yep. Going over the loudspeakers. Yeah.

That's great. That's great. So they go out into the ocean with 100 people. They come back with only about 70. 30 men overboard just going, fuck this. We should see if we can get this played on the ferry that takes you from Hobart to Mona, the gallery. Oh, really?

Get ready to see the room of shit and the wall of pussies by listening to the little dumbed up club. Cunts on the way over and cunts when you get there. There you go. There you go. I forget that guy's name, but I think that's the kind of crazy thing he'd be into. Oh, the millionaire owner or whatever it is? Yeah, the crazy gambler dude.

David Walsh, I think his name is. I don't know. Never had the pleasure of going. It's great. And he lives in there. Does he really? Yeah, he just lives up. There's like a top level that you can't get to that he just lives in.

Really? My girlfriend knows some people. He lives above the art gallery? Yeah, yeah. In the penthouse suite? Yeah. Where he makes some art gallery? Yeah, yeah. In the penthouse suite? Yeah. Where he makes some sweet art? Yeah.

Wow. My girlfriend has friends who've gone and had dinner there. And they're like, it's awesome. Really? Yeah. Because you know he's saving the real good art up there. He's saving the real good pussies from the wall. Yeah, yeah.

For the top level. He's got a few Hitler paintings. Yeah. That's where he gets people to pose for the pussies that go down the stairs. Yeah. Where he makes the sculptures. That would be good. But Tom Ferry, Tom Ferry across the Mersey.

Tom, yeah. A ferry, been on a ferry lately? Oh, that's a great question. Is it or not? Genuinely, I think the last ferry I would have been on would have been the one from Mona, which would have been middle of 2022 when I went down to Dark Mofo. And I went to Mona the day after the festival to go and see my friend Spod play. Do you know Spod?

I don't. He's a musician. He lives in Tassie now. Right. And, yeah, I reckon that's the last time I was on a ferry. You ever been on a boat cruise where you're drinking? Like a booze cruise? Yeah.

No. No. I've done a go boat, and you can take booze on there. Right. And that's just piloted by you can take booze on there. Right. And that's just piloted by you though, isn't it? That's just like someone in your group has to not drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, not a booze cruise.

I've gotten the spirit of Tasmania and gotten blind on that, which was awful. Was it? Well, we were... So it goes from Melbourne to Hobart. It goes from Melbourne to Davenport, I think. Right. And I was with friends. We were going down to the Falls Festival down there.

And I was lobbying for us to spend just like a little bit extra to get a cabin for us all to sleep in. Yeah. And, you know, it's like that age where everyone's like, it's an extra 50 bucks and that's like 10 beers once we get down there. We just can't. We can't make that sacrifice yeah so we end up getting just like the standard seat which is like you're more crammed they've got this bit where it's like just plain seats right like you're just crammed in they're the tiniest seats and you're just in there go and you're in this like row of 10 so if you're in the

middle and you need to get up you like a squishing past all these people yeah and you just i just couldn't we went overnight and it drove me insane because i was sitting there being like we're on this huge boat yeah like why are we so crammed in in these little seats like there's a cinema on board the boat and i was like i'd rather be sleeping in one of the cinemas like they're better seats i was like genuinely going i wonder if i could just go up and like get away with like sleeping under one of the tables in. Like, they're better seats. I was, like, genuinely going, I wonder if I could just go up and, like, get away with, like, sleeping under one of the tables in the restaurant. Yeah.

There's so much room on this boat and we're crammed into this tiny seat. Right. It was, yeah, it was awful. And then also, yeah, being quite drunk and just the boat all rocking around. It was a horrible experience.

Yeah, not for me. Not at all. No, thanks. I'd much rather be on Tom Ferry Thanks Tom Thanks Tom You're my favourite vessel

On this episode so far Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber David Evans Okay Yeah That's as classic as they come Yeah

Very long in length Not helping us. No. On the last day of work for the year. No. Yeah. We need a bit more. We should have knocked off the Patreon read early.

Yeah. That's what we actually would be doing if it was like last day of work in a real job. Right. You know, we'd be getting to like, we'd be going out for lunch, getting blind at lunch, coming back for the last three hours and being like, who cares? No, that's what we should be drinking during this. Yeah. Yeah. I would actually... getting blind at lunch coming back for the last three hours and being like who cares no that's what we should we should be drinking

during this yeah yeah I would actually I was honestly going to get some beers and bring them around oh well I've got beers

in the fridge oh yeah yeah if you want one I don't know if I really need one now for the next couple of names yeah I know I think if we had

done it at the start yeah yeah yeah it feels weird to do it halfway through I know the end is inside i know and i'm like everything everything's happened it's pushed pushed out my um hours of intermittent fasting today oh yeah so at the moment i'm probably on about 20 hours of no food yeah okay so i'm like

absolutely starving if the first thing i put into me is a singer beer you'll go crazy i don't know what's going to happen yeah the rest of the day yeah uh it could be quite messy but yeah we could we could use the help getting through dale dale daniel david david evans david it's not even as interesting as those two dull names that i said yes yeah yeah look it's to be fair it's a good solid name just not for our purposes today dave evans yeah it's weird good solid name, just not for our purposes today. Dave Evans. Yeah. It's weird having them together because you've got like Dave and then it's like a lot of the similar letters are in Evans. I reckon you could, in the English language,

I reckon David Evans would be up there with the combination used really frequently. I reckon you'd have so many David Evans. Really? Yeah. I reckon it'd be super popular. There'd be more David Evans and Tom Ferry, that's for sure. Do you remember there was a musician called... Oh God, what was his name?

David Gray, I think his name was. He was this like folk musician. I could be getting the guy's name slightly wrong. Anyway, I was at some event once with a friend of mine and we're both quite into this guy at the time. And my dad has been like working the room and he's like, oh, I just met this musician. You guys like this guy, don't you?

This David Gray? And we're like, oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, awesome. Like introduces. So dad goes and introduces us and it's like when homer meets michael jackson in the psych ward yeah it's just this guy that we're like this is this big fat old guy and we're like this and we're just like humoring him and we're like hey he's talking

about playing music and stuff and then he gives us his card and his name's david bray right he's just some struggling he's just like some busker like he's no one and he just has a similar name to this guy who's like semi-famous at the time yeah that dad has heard and misheard but it was just us being in front of this guy who's like pretty sure this is not the guy yeah but he's talking about playing music so maybe it is the guy do you know what i love is um i don't know if i've ever mentioned on the show before but i'm friends with the guys from the avalanches so anyway um the the one of the brothers of one of the guys in the avalanches um just had this great story where they were backstage at like a festival and they'd brought their mom backstage and then like for years later so the mom's in

the backstage with at a festival or a big show where there's like multiple bands and everything. And so their mum would every now and then say, you know, you work with such nice boys and you know, they're all so great. How is Michael? Like, who's Michael? Like, you know, I met Michael, you know,

at the big show that we went to that time. How is Michael? And they're like trying to figure out who Michael is. And they go, they end up going, oh, you mean Michael Diamond, Mike D from the Beastie Boys? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. How is he? How is Michael going?

Yeah. She'd always ask about Michael, like one of the Beastie Boys. She was like, you know, this 70-year-old mum's hanging out with Mike D and just like having this proper exchange. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, we should catch up. You know, if you ever see Michael, you know, this 70-year-old mum's hanging out with Mike D and just like having this proper exchange. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, we should catch up. You know, if you ever see Michael, you know, invite him around for Christmas or whatever.

Yeah, if Mike D finds himself in Melbourne over Christmas, come on down for a roast chalk. Tell him to give me a call. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. That's like there's a comedian whose dad had that crazy story about meeting Bono oh that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah and again didn't had no fucking idea yeah do you remember so when we both on different nights a few years ago opened for russell howard when he came out here yes just after lockdowns and everything and the capacities were like

half or whatever and we did i did a couple of nights you did a night did you i can't remember if we talked about this if you had the same experience because so our friend beck who works for live nation she's kind of like the liaison for us with it yes and then at one point i get in put into this like email chain with like everyone from live nation and then all of a sudden i'm getting the promoter the tour promoter all of a sudden I'm getting... Live Nation is like the... The promoter, the tour promoter. All of a sudden I'm getting emails from someone. I'm in an email chain, and I'm seeing emails come up from someone at Live Nation called David Hughes. Yes.

And then I'm messaging Beck going, is your boss's name really David Hughes? Yeah. And she's like, yeah. And then one of the nights I was doing the gig, he's backstage, and it's just taking Everything in my power Yeah

To not go Husey Yeah yeah Which is so funny Because it's like They're working in comedy He's in like The same industry

Yeah yeah yeah Anyway I've been watching a lot of Grand Designs Australia With my girlfriend And the other night Who should be on an episode But David Husey Hughes

The real one? No no The like The Live Nation guy Oh really? So it's like Why is he on it? Because Because he built a house Oh really? but David Hughesy Hughes the real one no no the like the live nation oh really so it's like why is he on it because

because he built a house oh really okay so he so he it's the start of it because they're all like you know they're building

these like extravagant houses so it's going to be rich people right and they love anyone with a bit of a story like they like with him it's like the start of it

oh yeah the world of the world of touring music promoting and all this stuff. And I was like, this guy looks really familiar. And then it comes up with the super David Hughes. And that story just came flooding back into my head. So, yeah.

It was cool to see my old buddy up there on Grand Designs Australia. Great. Well, Russell Howard is actually coming out very soon to Australia. Is he really? We don't have the support spot this time. We don't have the honour. No. Yeah, I guess because I do remember seeing him announce a tour,

but it was in classic him style. I guess that must have been three years ago. Yes, yes. Where then I've deleted it from my brain. A couple of Olympics ago. Yes. No, but he'll be out. What is that?

The next couple of months, I believe. Oh. Yeah. So it would be good to catch up with him. Yeah, it would be. Maybe we'll try and get an episode with him. I might not be here. Oh.

If it's at a certain time. I don't know the dates. But thanks, David Evans. Thanks, David Evans. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. So, we've got the whole family out here now. Tommy, Neil. So, the cat's come out. The cat's usually scared of everyone. The cat's family out here now. Tommy, Neil. So the cats come out.

Cats are usually scared of everyone. Cats come out and roll down at your feet. Cats got center stage at the moment. Yeah. Blankets over there trying to, pretending like she's doing some busy work, coloring or something. What are you doing over there?

Hey? What's happening? You're what? You're reading a book. Reading a book. Well, I can see from there, there's not many words there. I don't think you're reading at all.

I think you need to work on your list of Santa. What's on your list that you need from Santa this year, you think? Anything? What do you usually say? What do you usually say when I say, what do you want to get from Santa this year? What do you usually tell me? A new daddy.

That's right. A new daddy. Cool. Wow. Absolutely roasting every day here. That's right. Cool. Wow. Absolutely roasting every day here. It's good. Yep.

It's good shit. Good to get support from your family. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ashton Brennan. Ashton Brennan. Yep.

The old double N at the end of the name. That's right. Ashton Brennan. Ashton Brennan. Ashton Brennan. Speaking of Crypto Science Australia. Yes. It's a good show.

I recommend it if you've never seen it. I've never seen it. What I do love about it is that it's one of those shows where they'll kind of pick up on one thing about someone and then just really flog it over the course of the storyline and make you look like the world's biggest loser. Right. Like there's this one guy,

he's building a house in Richmond and he loves the footy. And he's like, he's clearly said at some point, I love the footy. So it's going to be awesome to be walking distance to the MCG. And he's got, they're making it three level and it's going to have a rooftop on it. So he's like, oh, it'll just be awesome to have a view of the MCG

because I love footy. And so then it's like they keep going back and the host over the top being like, and of course out of this bedroom window, Nathan will be able to see his precious MCG. And they keep cutting to clips of him just watching the footy with friends with his scarf on. It's like they make you look just so mentally ill, just like you having mentioned a hobby that you have,

and then they just wear it into the ground and make you look like just a loser who has nothing going on in their life. And it's made me think like if I was on that show, what's the thing they'd zero in on that I'd be watching back? And it's like, and of course, he has to be around the corner from his precious JB hi-fi. You know, what's the thing you'd be watching and being like, God, I shouldn't have told them that.

Yeah, you say one wrong thing. Yeah. They walk in, they're like, fuck, he's got shoes on. Oh, okay, we better build a shoe room. Oh, mister, I hate my feet being naked. Well, you know what they do with anything on a show like that, with anything that's comedy related, it's always like we open on a shot of just a microphone in the stand.

Beautiful. Show not happening, but then you can hear laughter in the background, it's like i know what's happening here yeah this person does comedy yeah and the people who make this show think that that's a bit pathetic that's i probably said this before there's in grade six we had a connection in maribor like where we had this weird um school thing for Melbourne. Like, you know, kids in the country, they're always like, yeah, you better connect with the city kids. What a weird sort of like, you know, fish out of water thing this will be.

Yeah. And the city kids can come down and see what the country's like. They could not give a fuck. People in the city have no interest in what's happening in the country. Yeah. Fair enough. So we got billeted. We had to like

link up with um like they're trying to do that thing where they're picking a kid and going oh he's like this kid from this school yeah who would be the good match and they matched me with this kid because i think for the first time this is like grade five maybe actually and they'd introduced like a science like oh we're gonna do science every monday at you know three o'clock from now on so we did this one science thing and i did well in the first ever test that we had because it was just like so broad and so general yeah and they're like you love science i'm like is that is that what that was no no you're the science guy from now on yeah yeah am i get a load of build my over here yeah yeah all that it was like honestly one class or one test whatever it was so then they and then it just happened when they were matching kids with this sort of like city

country thing so then i get matched with the biggest brainiac in fucking paran this guy this kid obsessed with science like you can hang out with him and then i meet this guy i'm like fuck this kid yeah i've got no interest oh yeah he's like a movie yeah you can talk science together i'm like no thanks they end up they end up like the kid comes to mirabar to stay somewhere and they end up just giving him to someone else yeah or already has another kid or whatever please don't make me stay with this dunce doesn't even know what e equals mc squared is yep i'm sitting there with just the hayseed between my teeth going, yeah, fucking oxygen. Shut up, idiot. Accidentally setting yourself on fire with the Bunsen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sucking off a test tube. Yeah. Yeah, so that was my version of Grand Designs Australia. Just fucking, yeah, Mr. Science. Your science guy. I was science guy for about two weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be good. At Grand Designs where it's like someone's got to have a lab in there ah yeah get a load of the egghead yeah all these guys on there they're always obsessed with having an elevator and you're just waiting the only thing that to let them off the hook is like oh because you know mom will be around a lot and she's you know in a wheelchair it's like okay fair enough but then there's always a point where they're just like i've just always thought elevators are cool yeah like god you know they cost so much and they're already over budget. It's a two-story house. You are a loser.

Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks, Ashton. Thanks, AB. Fuck, that was very little to do with Ashton, right in the name. Oh, well. That's a ton of ash. That's 100 ashes. Yep.

Is that something? Yeah, sure Yeah I guess so That's plenty Is it? Yeah I just have these little battles in my head

This is our clocking off I know Early I know this is us But I'm just wanting them to be happy, Tommy Well, he got a little yarn about you doing a science camp. Oh, yeah, that's something. Yeah.

Ashton, you know. That's like we always say. Sometimes we get off track, but it's basically... It's inspired by you. It's inspired by you. You have ownership over the yarn. Well, it wasn't inspired by him, to be honest. No.

You said, speaking of Grand Designs Australia, from the last person. Yeah, that's true. So it wasn't even that. But Ashton Brennan, it's like... Well, if... Yeah, Dave Evans, there's nothing to work with there. And this is like not a boring name, but it's like so obtuse that what do we do with it? If he didn't like this, then just like his namesake, he just got punked.

There you go. Yeah. Remember when that was in the pop culture lexicon for three seconds? the pop culture lexicon for three seconds. Man, I read, I don't know, I read like an article about some of the like most brutal punked and it was like such a harsh show. Isn't the first one, wasn't the first one really harsh with Justin Timberlake? Wasn't it like they come around, he's failed a drug test, he's got to go to jail or something and then he starts crying?

They're all stuff like that. They're all like, there was one person who like, they had some kids like graffiti his car and he like bashed them up on camera. They're all like, the pranks are so harsh to begin with. And then a lot of them are like, the people responded very, very badly because like something bad is happening to them. Yeah. Like people's cars getting blown up and stuff like that before anyone

cared about mental health about 15 years ago this well it's making people think their lives have been ruined it's so like not the fun style of prank like you know the jackass ones even when they're really messing with people like those ones where they like push them into the room and the lights are off and they're putting snakes in there and stuff it's like there's still something about that that's like they're a little crew and it's like kind of you know it's fun they've all signed up for it they're all in the prank gang yeah but the thing of just like getting ice cube and telling him his mom's dead it's like it's just so gnarly there's like no you look them up read them read them back this afternoon okay they're all like they're all so harsh.

They're all like, this isn't a fun show at all. This is just like a really, there's no element of like, oh, he goes to the toilet and then there's glad wrap over the bowl. So he's got shit on him. It's like a bit, it's like, it's truly just like, that's just mean. Like what, what did you think you were going to get out of that person that would be fun to watch on camera? Damn.

What did you think you were going to get out of that person that would be fun to watch on camera? Damn, I've never watched an episode, but now I want to actually know what one of these things is. Because there's that famous prank show that I think is just one episode, the OJ Simpson prank show. Have you heard about this? No. Called Juiced, where it's like OJ just turning up at all these different things and punking people. So one of them is like a used car lot, and they've got like a Bronco in there. And then OJ, and it's like just a, so it's like hidden camera.

It's just some random person. They're looking at buying the Bronco. And then OJ appears and he's like, yeah, I had some great times in the back of this Bronco. Yeah. And they're just like, what the hell? God. Pink thinks she's being framed by her boyfriend for running a motorcycle chop shop. Yeah.

Yeah. That's so stupid. We Man is stopped by MTV security and denied access through the metal detector. Yeah, I think he got punked worse on the actual show Jackass. Right, right. That's the opposite end of it. Right. He's used to being stuffed seven live scorpions down his throat. Yeah.

He stopped by security. Gotcha. Hey, have you taken your keys out of your pocket? Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. Well, thanks, Ashton Brennan. Thanks, Ashton Brennan.

And the last one for 2023. A lot of pressure on this one. Well, the first one of 2024, you could say. Is it? Yeah. When's this come out? Oh, yeah, you're right. Fuck, I forgot.

Yeah. Sorry. We've done the last one of 2023. I know. All right. Sorry. So you're right. Fuck, I forgot. Yeah. Sorry. We've done the last one of 2020. I know. All right. Sorry. So you've got to look into the future. Sorry.

So, for example, it can't be Christmas comedy. Right. All right. Well, just give me another second. It also can't be Saint comedy. Right. It can't be Santa comedy. It can't be jolly old Saint comedy. Okay.

Well, just before we name number five, what else has been going on? What else is... It can't be Frosty the comedy. Okay. All right. It can't be Rudolph the red-nosed comedy. All right. Okay. Well, just before we name number five, what else has been going on? What else is... Can't be Frosty the Comedy. Okay. All right. Can't be Rudolph the Red-Nosed Comedy. Okay. All right.

Okay. Well, lucky it wasn't any of those, Tommy. Yeah. Lucky the person who subscribed that came out randomly out of the machine wasn't any of those people. I know what I'd like it to be. Well, maybe you could share with me later or now or whatever you want. I'm happy to do it now.

I can take a look at the screen. Oh, okay. You have a look at the screen. Oh, okay. You have a look at the screen then. Wow. This is crazy. First episode of the year. Yes.

Special thanks to Patreon subscriber 2020 Comedy. Okay. I think that's worse than what I had here that I pulled out. Hypothetically. Well, hypothetically, who I was going to read out. You've picked one. Oh, look, we can read six out this week. Yeah, sure. So thank you to 2020 Comedy.

Thank you for subscribing. But I thought this was actually quite weird that we had two couples at the same time. Oh, okay. We got read out. Thank you very much to Mr. and Mrs. Comedy. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Or, oh, I've just seen a seventh name. Oh, my God. Old Lang Comedy. Okay, well, we're burning through the names this week. We did seven this week. We're burning through them. Wow, this is a whole... 2024 is going to be different, Tommy.

2024 is going to be our year. Well, thanks, everyone. Thanks for supporting the show. Happy New Year. Thanks to Blanket, who's now lying underneath the Christmas show, really desperately hoping this show will end because I told her we were going to go shopping. Happy New Year. Thanks to Blanket who's now lying underneath the Christmas show really desperately hoping this show will end because I told her

we were going to go shopping. Ah, great. Get something fun. I like this. Well, thanks everyone. And what? And Meatball Place. We're going to IKEA.

Hey, Blanket, can you say see you mates? Yeah, poops. What was that? I think she said we're pooped. Oh, okay.

I agree. We're pooped. Yep, see you mate.