The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 697 - Melanie Bracewell & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

This week we're joined by MELANIE BRACEWELL & TOM BALLARD! Mel's had a spray tan JUST FOR US, Tommy's encountered two doctors with unbelievable surnames PLUS Comedy Festival season is just around the corner so that means it's time to start planning for the hottest show in the guide: The Worst of Melbourne Comedy. Who's getting booked? How loud should the house music be? Where should the seats be facing? And most importantly: what's wrong with us? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Melanie Bracewell. We have some live shows coming up where you can see us, coming up very quickly in fact. We have Adelaide, February the 24th, don't we Carl? We do too, Tommy, that's no lie. We're about to sell out. Get onto that Adelaide, it's our 700th episode. Everyone loves an anniversary and a birthday, all that sort of stuff, so it's going to be a red hot ep. Yep, that should be really fun. Then we've got our run of shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Saturdays. March 30.

Help me out. March 30, April 4. I would say that those sums don't add up. I would say that would be more like maybe six. April 6. Yes. 13 and 20. April 13, April 20.

Yes. Get on that. Always a red hot month of Saturdays. And then, of course, you can come and see us in Koh Samui at the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, June 9 until 14. That's correct, Tommy. Very few rooms left. So get on that if you would like to come.

Tickets and information and all that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talkin' Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Melanie Bracewell. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, please welcome back onto the show, two very special guests, Tom Ballard and Melody Braswell. Hello. This sucks. Is it over yet? Can we leave? Oh, shut up.

This is boring. Shut up. Shut up. Fuck off. I told you not to book this guy again. He always ruins everything. I liked him better when he was dead. I'm glad he's dead.

Hey! From before. Mel, you've raced over here after squeezing in a spray tan for the actors. I am so sorry. Oh, really? I did a spray tan. Sorry, when Tommy says that, it's not for multiple of actor. It's for the actor awards.

The actors. Yes, me and Tim. The double A CTAs. The way he said it, you squeeze in a spray tan for the actors, you know, just in case Tom Burlinson and Andrew Datto were walking down the street and you kind of knock them out. Two greatest actors of that generation. Two people I have never heard of.

You turned up out the front of my house, Mel, and you said, I won't hug you because I'm covered in spray tan and I'll get it on you, which was nice, because normally I don't get a reason for women not getting a hug. It's just like, no thanks. I actually got the spray tan for the reason. Yeah, great. I can't lie.

I need a valid excuse. That's for the actors. It is a pretty dark spray tan for the reason. Yeah, great. I can't lie. Yeah. I need a valid excuse. Yeah, exactly. That's for the actors. It is a pretty dark spray tan. I actually thought it was for Hey Hey at Saturday. Oh my God.

Come on. I mean, look, you got the spray tan and then you came straight here. So I could argue that you actually got the spray tan

for the podcast. Oh, yes. That's what we're going to tell people. I just want that little sweet cover image on the Facebook page to really pop. And then you're got the spray tan for the podcast oh yes that's what we're gonna tell people i just want that little sweet cover image on the facebook page and then you're at the actors all bronzed up and you're like sorry i look like this guys i was doing a podcast i got spray tanned up for that sorry tom berlinson who the fuck is tom berlinson

i don't even know who that is i think he was on the flying doctors like 30 years ago yeah wasn't he the man from Snowy River? Oh, yeah, he might have been. Yeah, that's right. And he played the Nathan Lane role in the Australian production of The Producers. There we go. What are you, Siri? I feel like it happened before the podcast.

Born in 1943. I'm the one who made the reference and I didn't even know who the fuck he was. Do they still have The Flying Doctors? They probably didn't even know who the fuck he was. Do they still have the flying doctors? They probably don't need them in the day. The service? Yeah. There are still people that live in the outback. Yeah, but don't they just do telehealth now?

They need to transport them. It's like an ambulance. We haven't moved beyond sickness. Yeah, but aren't they just doing it? Wouldn't that show now just be Zoom doctors? No, but people still have to. There was a real service before the TV show. Tom Burlington, who's that?

You can't take out your own appendix over Zoom, you fucking idiot. You could be guided. You could be, like, tutored on how to do it. You know, I could see that happening. No. Let us know. Write in. I'm letting you know.

Call in. I'm letting you know. Call in now. I'll ring you now. Look in. I'm letting you know. Call in now. I'll ring you now. Look, all right, let's put it to the test. If you're a flying doctor, call in now. Fly in now. Anyway, tell us more about that.

That's exciting. It's happening on the Gold Coast at Hoda, where I performed on Saturday night in a basement, so we're all doing well. Oh, amazing. I didn't know that that's where it was. But yeah, that's great. You didn't know you go to the Gold Coast?

I don't go to the Gold Coast, but I didn't know the exact venue. But thank you again, Siri. You just know everything. It's so weird. Bud facts. That's so like just someone knowing anything. All right, Siri.

But it's just before the podcast, I felt like we mentioned something and you had like a string of facts About that thing It was iconic Yeah You idiot We're a bit older than you Mel We've just

We've just lived more life That's all it is This is the ducks of the Warrnambool Whatever the fuck school it was This is the ducks Southwest Southwest region Thank you

2007 Southwest region ducks I was second to ducks I was proximate I kiss it Screw you Jodie Well we've got a ducks And a runner up ducks In the house

Very nice I got 74 For my VCE That's a huge drop off From the second ducks What did you get Carl? It was before He's still in school

Yeah He's still trying to finish a few I don't know It was in the old way Of doing it It wasn't that way You got your results On an abacus

Yes Hieroglyphics You go in't that way. You got your results on an abacus. Yes. Hieroglyphics. You go in and they're like, you got this many. I have to remember that. It wasn't a percent. It was a weird thing where it was like, oh, this is out of 14. And you're like, okay. What?

Yeah. No, no. It was a different system. It was like tennis scoring. Was it before the metric system? No. We were given was like tennis scoring. Was it before the metric system was introduced? Yeah. We were given four shillings.

There's a four six in there somewhere. No, I can't remember. I do feel like they changed the name of it because they've changed the name of it in Victoria again. I feel like they changed the name of these things every like 15 years just to make you feel even older than you are. It's like now the system that you graduated with doesn't even exist anymore. Right right it's called something completely different

yeah i think it's standardized now in australia like each state has its own thing like own vce or or hsc but the score you get i think is now just called atar across the board right right so it's it's it's so that you can't come from melbourne to sydney go, I got 47 and 3 sixths. And people go, that's fucking amazing. And then you get to be a neurosurgeon. You get to be a flying doctor. You didn't graduate at all, did you? VCE results, they're all long-winded.

They're like stories. You know, your HSC results, they're like bang, bang, bang. Hit in between the eyes. Well, Mel, last time you were on, we were talking about a gig that we had been sent in Adelaide. Carl had been sent the lineup of an Adelaide gig. And there were a couple of names on there in particular that really tickled you.

And we love names on this podcast. Tom, you know that. You're a fan. You're always talking about names. We're always talking about names. You're using names to refer to each other. You read out names at the end of each episode. Whenever guests like you come on,

we use yours to address you. You're crazy about names. Name dropping like that guy Tom whatever the fuck his name is. He's not Ballard, he's right here. Hey! I'm the actor! You really don't know anything, do you? Name dropping someone on a podcast as you're on

the podcast. No big deal, guys. I'm currently just on a podcast as you're on the podcast no big deal guys i'm currently just recording a podcast with tom bella maybe some of you in the room have heard of him at least one of you my uh my fiancee has had uh uh two um two medical things that she's booked in the last week. Who books that? Is this from the Flying Doctors? Well, yeah. So one of the things she's getting done, she got a skin check last week, skin cancer check.

The doctor's name, Dr. Sun. Oh, yeah, great. Dr. S-U-N, Dr. Sun. Not bad. This is like I got a big lump taken off my back from someone called Mr. Beer. And not Dr. Beer. Mr. Beer. What? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Because surgeons are Mr., are they? Well, I'm hoping so. Is this a medical professional or someone just ripped something off your back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he had a face mask on and everything, you know. He had an office.

So wait, did we talk about... When you say a lump, what are you talking like a a big thing of skin a big one yeah yeah like a big one it was like a deposit

of fluid wasn't it yeah yeah you're like part camel yeah yeah yeah it was like that it was like that like I was copying a lot of shit

from my four year old and that's why I'm like well if it's that easy to give me shit I better get rid of this okay so yeah Dr. Sun

doing the doing the skin check. And then she's going in early next week for a colonoscopy. Oh, Dr. Asshole. Dr. Butt. Oh, no way. Come on. I swear to God, if I had not have seen this email with my own two eyes, I would be like, that's not a guy.

That's not real. You know she's about to do a porno, don't you? You've got an appointment with Dr. Butt. Look, there he is. Dr. Butt. Dr. Josh Butt. The man himself. How's that spelled though?

B-U-T-T. God damn it. Dr. Butt. Dr. Butt going right in there What's his title? Is he He's a Is he specialising in colonoscopy

And the nether regions? Gastro Gastroenterologist And interventional endoscopist Please call me Mr. Butt Dr. Butt is my doctor Yeah I mean it really is You can't do proctology If that's your name Mr. Butt. Dr. Butt is my doctor. Yeah. I mean, it really is.

You can't do proctology if that's your name. That's what's fascinating to me is that, like, at what point do you feel like you're kind of, like, led into the profession by the name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, like, surely as you'll get, like, if I was studying to be a gynecologist and my surname was Pussy. Yeah. Like, as they're being like, hey, we're going to make up the plaque to put on your door in the practice tomorrow, is it Pussy with two S's? At that point, I'm going, I'd better change the name.

Now that this is actually happening, I can't have this name. I feel like if your last name is Butt, that's why you would get a PhD. Just so to be Dr. Butt is slightly cooler than to be Mr. Butt. And then just do nothing in it. Yeah. Yeah. Your fiancée has to have some follow-up questions, please. Can we write questions for her?

Well, I think she'll be... Yeah, she'll be... I think she goes under an anaesthetic but I'm picking her up from there. Oh, so you're going to... So I'm going to get there early and just kind of like have a bit of a chin wag with this guy.

Please. Get to the bottom of things. I'm sure he's never been asked just kind of like have a bit of a chin wag with this guy. Please. Get to the bottom of this. I'm sure he's never been asked these questions before. What a bummer. People don't know the context of this is the air. From before. From before off air. I don't think we've ever talked about what a bummer on the air.

Yeah, it's fine. Can we do that? Probably not. Maybe not. People will just think, oh, it's fine. Can we do that? Probably not. Maybe not. People would just think, oh, that's sort of an average pun that really landed. Yeah. Wow, those guys have low standards.

Yeah, yeah. But then they listen to 700 episodes of this and go, yeah, that checks out. That's fine. Anyway, Dr. Butt. Dr. Butt. I mean, do you think if you're him, like you said, he's heard it all before.

Yeah. So surely he must have people come in and he sees the glint in their eye and he's like, before you start up. Yeah. Like the doctor, like I talked about this last week, the doctor saying to me, no comedy, thanks. Yeah. Could that be a stage name?

Could that be like just so that they know, oh, I'm in safe hands here. Like this. If his name was Dr. Dick, I'd be like, this guy has no idea what he's doing. Complete wrong region. Yeah, exactly. It's like how I changed my name to Dr. Comedy. To make my audience feel like, we're going to have a fantastic show. Yes.

Dr. Tom Comedy. Yes. You have a stage name in showbiz to make it sound like, oh, this guy, you know, my name's Johnny Rockets or whatever. Oh, wow, this guy's going to be exciting. Great. exciting great dr butt i don't mind him putting a glove up my arsehole i mean that's when it's that much of an invasive procedure i you know i don't know if you're like oh i want a guy who's a bit of a fucking larrikin i want a guy with a stage name well i respect it because it suggests that he is really committed to that area right because he would have had to make that decision would have gone into it it and be like, everyone's going to talk about this.

My surname is Butt. I'm going to become Dr. Butt. But that's how much I care about and am invested in proctology. Well, also, I mean, what we're sort of forgetting is that even before him getting into that specific field, that's just a rough name anyway. Like his whole childhood he's copped it and he hasn't made the decision to like,

oh, I'm just going to go, you know, I'm just going to use my middle name as my surname. Like he's still committed that far and then he's gotten into the biz. Yeah. But full respect because you know those people that get like, would get bullied by that name and you go, oh my God, I can't wait to change my name. He's gone, you know what? Fuck it.

Let's go in. Yeah. Let's go two footed into this. Well, maybe the bullying, you know, inspired the choice of career. People like, you love the anus. And he's like, maybe I bullying, you know, inspired the choice of career. People are like, you love the anus. And he's like, maybe I do. Yeah, yeah. You know, he's just heard it all through his schooling.

He's a people pleaser. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sure. He had to either get into a butt-related job in terms of arse or become, like, a tobacco lobbyist to make it make sense. Yeah.

Those are really the only two. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't know if he's married, if he has a spouse who's taken on the butt surname. If they're considered hyphenating as well. I'll ask him. Louise Crack has married him.

I'll be sure to ask him all of these things. I'll ask him all these questions while he's up to his elbows in my car. After you say must be nice. While you're down there. While you're in there. While you're down there. What? What else can I do while I'm down there?

Oh yeah. All right. Wonderful comedy. All right. What if you walk in on the procedure while he's up to his elbow and go, that's it, the wedding's off. How dare you. You whore.

With another man. Oh, God. You whore With another man Oh god Oh You filmed it You filmed it There's a little camera You sicko I've got it on camera

Oh yeah Oh what Comedian isn't enough for you You have to run off With a doctor? Yep. Anyway, I hope everything's okay. I do hope everything's okay.

Because that would be great. You're like, oh, but you're a proctologist. That's pretty funny. Yeah, it is funny. Now you have prostate cancer. Oh, no. Wait, my girlfriend, my fiancée has prostate cancer? No, someone else.

Well, so yeah, she's doing the, she's having it done on Tuesday and then we're putting this out on Wednesday. My fiancée as a prosecutor? No, someone else. King Charles. She's having it done on Tuesday and then we're putting this out on Wednesday. So if it's bad news on Tuesday, you might get a call from me on Tuesday night. Carl, we've got to re-record the event. None of this can go on. There's a 20-minute episode coming out tomorrow. It was bad news.

It's now in very poor taste. Suddenly it's in poor taste to joke about this doctor fisting my fiance. Shout out, Dr. Bart. That is comedy. What about comedians with names that they share with famous people? I.e. last week I was on the Gold Coast doing gigs with a lovely man, great comedian named Chris Martin. Yeah, that one, that blows Coast doing gigs with a lovely man, great comedian named Chris Martin. Yeah, that one, that blows me away.

Right. There's a British guy as well, Chris Martin, not a Coldplay guy, but another comedian called Chris Martin. And obviously they have, you know, five or ten minutes on it. But it would just be every single gig,

every single time someone knew his name, they'd be like, who are you from there? There must be like one out of maybe 500 dumb fucks that goes to a gig and sees him listed on the bill and is like, holy shit. Oh my God. The guy from Coldplay is getting up and doing a set.

Yeah. Because there's also, there's a David Hughes in Perth, which is insane. He starts going, what do you do for a job? Mate, do yellow. Well, speaking of... Can we talk about that? I've got something off the back of that, actually,

now that you bring that up. And this is something from before. Now, we've been talking the last couple of weeks about, because we're going to the Costa Mui International Podcast Festival June 9 to 14. Still a couple of rooms left. Now, we've been stressing now at the moment marijuana and uh gummies edibles stuff like that is legal so it's been part of it it's like

cool we're going to go over and people are very excited about just going to normal shops and doing what the fuck they want now conservative government have come into thailand in the last couple of months and there's been strong rumors they're going to shut it all down, blah, blah, blah. So we've been worrying about that. They've said we're going to shut it down probably. We're just hoping they can just eke it out until June, until mid-June, until we get out. Awesome.

There's been rumours that at the moment it's high tourist season, so they want to keep it going at the moment because everyone's happy and flocking to Thailand for all that sort of stuff. Now, what's happened this week is the conservative government in Thailand have come out and gone, you know what? We're pulling up the drawbridge. This is it. We're going to rush into parliament next week and make the rules

and tighten the rules. We want to get this rid ASAP. The reason is because Coldplay did a concert in Bangkok this week, and there was heaps of people in social media that went, we went to Coldplay, and all we could smell was marijuana, and it got trending in Thailand. And so the government came out and went, fuck this. We're pulling out.

No, it's illegal again. So Chris Martin is responsible for us going to fucking Thailand in June. Not being able to get on the gummies. Yeah. So when, do you mean next week? Because I'm literally in Thailand next week. Oh my God, really? Yeah, from Thursday.

Oh, well. Because it's only been legal for like 18 months or something. It's still pretty recent. It cannot, they cannot, look, I would love it. It would be a classic Thailand move to outlaw it next week while you're there. Because half of Bangkok is weed and gummy shops. And they don't care. They're fucking crazy.

They'll just like go, nah, it's all done. Half of the main street will be gone. There'll be nothing in those shops. It would devastate the CBD of Bangkok

and all tourist areas. So I'd be fascinated to know. My God, what if they banned tailoring suits? There'd be fascinated to know my god what if they banned tailoring suits and there's nothing left what do these people want to be smelling

at the Coldplay concert why are they so annoyed I don't know Coldplay's a weird band to go and get baked for honestly like someone someone posted this

in a Facebook group and someone was like oh well would you want to see Cole play Sober? It's like, I wouldn't want to see him. Hi. They're not really a like, you know, they're not the Grateful Dead. The Cheech and Chong of music. Why are you going to Thailand next week?

Most important. On the way to the UK, I'm just like, I'll get a few days in the sunshine before I go to the depressing winter. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Well, I could very easily turn this into the next 40 episodes of this podcast and ask and give advice and all of that sort of stuff, but I won't. I'll pull back.

But speaking of, this is something that came up on the last episode you were on as well, Mel. We talked about what I was going to register for the Melbourne International Podcast Festival. It's coming up very soon. Comedy Festival. You're doing a show? You're doing a show? You're doing a show? Yes, I am. The show's called?

Attack of the Melanie Bracewell. Yes. Tom Ballard, you're doing a show? I am. Good point, well made. Yes. What was the show name? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Comedy. Dr. Butt. So, we talked about the show. After a riff like that, it doesn't matter what happens from here on out. I might change my title to Dr. Butt. So we talked about the show. After a riff like that, it doesn't matter what happens from here on out. I might change my title to Dr. Butt. Yeah. The show I talked about with you, Mel, and the others was I do a showcase normally called

The Best of Melbourne Comedy. It does what it says on the tin. I was going to register a show called Worst of Melbourne Comedy. So I've done that now. That's now on sale. It's selling. Oh, my God. Every Wednesday night, 9.30 at Spleen Bar.

You actually did it? Yes. It's in the guide. Have a look. It's on sale. Selling. Selling better than our Adelaide Lifetime. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So what I did, like the update on this is that after we talked about it, I started getting mansplained about the show. So I've got a couple of emails from, I presume, a listener of the show. So I'll give you some edited highlights of these emails. Okay, I'll hope you're well. Sorry, just before you start this, can a man be mansplained too? Yeah, so mansplaining is actually when a man explains. Oh, great.

Now I'm getting woman splained Great Great Great So Hope you will Dr. Butt Mansplaining As he's in ya

The anus is Really fascinating Butt splaining Yeah I remember you mentioned Doing worst of Worst of the comedy festival On Dum Dum

I'm not looking for a spot just good to clear that up out of the gates before you scroll down by the way big chance he is

I still get that distinctive impression so this is someone you know no okay no I'm not looking

for a spot but I'm but I'm just thinking about producing sorry now but just saying yeah yeah yeah

sorry I'm not looking now you gotta just say B-U just as funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. From now on you've got to just say B-U-T. You've got to spell it out otherwise we'll get excited. Sorry, sorry. But from before. Yep. I'm not looking for a spot

but I'm just thinking about producing it myself. Sorry? Wasn't the whole point of the conversation was I'm fucking running this? And I think I might host your podcast as well. He's making an offer to take it off your hands. Not an offer. I think that's just like an aggressive takeover.

Okay. He goes, let me know if you're happy to handball the concept or don't reply and I won't do anything. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? You have now technically replied. Yeah. Like by answering it on the podcast. Yeah.

He's now, he's going to take this as a motion to move forward. Well, I replied and said, look, the whole point of it was, I'm saying I'm going to do this.

That's why I brought up, I didn't say, hey, here's a thing I'm not going to do. Let's talk about that for half an hour. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

So I'm like, no, no, no, I'm, I'm doing it. That's my idea. I'm going to do it.

And also, what a terrible idea to try and steal. There's heaps of good ideas out there. Like, why doesn't he go, hey, Mel Bracewell, can I just do your show instead? You're going to have heaps of people. You're popular. It really, this guy really is like, you know, every like auntie or uncle at a family gathering that doesn't understand about how comedy works, you know, just being like, why don why don't you just ask tom gleisner if you can be on have you been yes but he's like he's heard that and he's just like absorbed it and been like yeah that must be how

it works yeah i'll just email this guy and say can i do this yeah i'll just do that sorry i'll just have your idea you're not doing that show anymore can i do that show have you read the description out on the show oh no i haven, I haven't. Would you like to? I'd love to. Okay. I can read. Ever walk out of a comedy show saying, I could do better than that?

Well, this is that show. If you're sick of world-class comedy, punchlines, and even plain competence, give Worst of Melbourne Comedy a chance. You could do worse. Wait, no, you couldn't. That's funny. We've thrown out the...

It's too funny. Cut it. You thrown out the... It's too funny. Cut it. You need to... The description's too funny. It's really... We've thrown out the drift net and... Dear sir, I expected the worst of Melbourne comedy. It was too amused by the description.

We've thrown out the drift net and scoured the local open mic ocean floor for the unfunniest old tyres, shopping trolleys and something else. Rule of three. See, even this blurb kind of sucks. You will not laugh or your money back. You will not get your money back. There you go.

Who wouldn't go to that show? The worst of Melbourne comedy. But what are you actually going to do? I remember the concept of it, but who are you booking? Here's the thing. The Comedy Festival came back, and I forgot all about this. I registered a month ago, and then it links up to the Try Booking page where you buy tickets. And someone complained they couldn't get the option that I'd given them because what I'd done was,

you know how you get your chance of going full price, concession, groups of four, and there's all like different prices. The comedy festival came back and said, I've deleted some of your options because you hadn't actually made them accessible because what you'd done was you'd said full price, $15, idiots, $16. And you hadn't actually set up the idiots price. So I've just gone ahead and deleted that,

the idiots option for you. I'm like, okay, no problem. This is also, you were complaining to me, like, oh, the fucking comedy festival, they're taking forever to put my show live on the website, and then it's like the worst of Melbourne comedy, the picture's a big turd, it's like, God, can you fucking blame them?

Coming into the office and just finding anything else to do, but putting the worst of Melbourne comedy live on. Yes, I forgot to acknowledge that the image for the show is a pile of shit that is steaming. There are steams coming off the shit. It's clip art. It's not like a photo. No.

No. Did you pay for that? It's selling. Did you chuck a couple of dollars into Shutterstock for that one no no no I didn't no I didn't it's selling

it's selling I'm sure it is it's on sale how many idiots or the idiots prizes and accessories yeah I bet you know what

I might fight to get idiots back up I think that's good well you don't have to fight you just have to actually make it accessible on the website yeah by fight I mean do some work

yeah fight against myself yeah fight against lethargy yeah yeah I'll do that so anyway i might have to change the uh the the very elaborate plans i have for the for the show so far because i've got a second uh follow-up email from the same gentleman oh yeah so uh hey carl i saw the worst comedy gig at again both times he's called it the wrong thing to start with he said the worst of the comedy festival. I wanted to say, I just had the most insane deja vu. And so to have lived this moment twice is a nightmare.

Yeah. We do talk about the same thing over and over on this show, though. So it's hard to tell. Is this deja vu or is this just the same thing we've been doing for 15 years? So he calls it Worst of the Comedy Vessel. Then he says, I saw the worst comedy gig

at MICF for tickets. That's not called that. It's not called that. A little bit of respect for the worst of Melbourne comedy, please.

Yep. I have some helpful tips to include. Oh, boy. Yeah. You might remember me from some Bendigo gigs. Okay.

Of course. Why wouldn't I remember you from some Bendigo gigs. Okay. Of course. Why wouldn't I remember you from some Bendigo gigs? Last time I was in Bendigo was probably 10 years ago. I've also run Pro Nights in Ballarat, Drysdale and Castlemaine. Great. Okay. I haven't done gigs anywhere near there. The crown jewels of Melbourne.

Yeah, the Golden Triangle. Okay. Yeah. Drysdale, Castlemaine and Ballarat. I've seen some, in case you want some recent reminders of how crap

Melbourne comedy can be, here's some help. Mate, I'm fucking well aware. I'm knee deep in it most weeks. Oh, if you haven't started planning it already,

the worst, the worst, fuck, he's done it again. Now he's called it a completely different one. The worst show is the other name of it. The Worst Show. That is better.

That is a better title. What is it, The Play That Goes Wrong? What is the best name so far? Is it Worst of the Comedy Festival, Worst Comedy Gig at MICF, or The Worst Show? Worst Show is really good. Worst Comedy Gig at MICF or the worst show? Worst show is really good. Worst show, it's the same.

Worst comedy gig at MICF is good because of how convoluted it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then next year you come back and you say the worst show 2.0. Worse than ever. Yeah. We're back and we're even worse. No, no. Worst 2.0.

Worse than before. Yeah. Yeah. Worst show 2, Electric Portalo. Worst show 2, The Worsening. Search for Worsening Gold. Well, let's concentrate on the worst show 1.0 at the moment, please.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's get this right. Can I just say too, in it being called the worst of Melbourne comedy, to use its slave name, are you limiting yourself to just Melbourne acts? this right. Can I just say too, in it being called the worst of Melbourne comedy, to use its slave name, are you limiting yourself to just Melbourne act? That would be thinking about it more than I have.

Are you going to ask people to be in this? Yes. Okay, but are you going to ask good comedians or bad comedians? Both. I can't wait for you to hand your card to someone after they completely eat shit. He's getting business cards made up for this.

Hey, just give me a call, man. Yeah, yeah. Take my four cards with all the different names of this show on it. And they're all American Psycho style, just like embossed ivory. Yeah, beautiful. It's just a little tiny brown turd embossed into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great.

The worst show could be a pantomime kind of gig. Start it terribly and then slowly correct each error to finish the night like a quality gig. So if someone comes on, they're shit, then what? It's almost like a reality show thing where you have like a judge come out and tell them what they could do better. But a pantomime is like, is the punchline behind me? Yeah, no, totally.

That's what a pantomime is, right? Trying to get the audience to like egg them on to be good at comedy. But also, I might be wrong here, but it started bad and then it gets better and better. Isn't that every gig when it's finished by the headliner? Yeah. Isn't that what's most –'s finished by the headliner? Isn't that what's most... Every gig is sort of a bit like that. Wow, I went to the Worst of Melbourne Comedy

and I saw a pop-in from Punch and Judy. Yeah. Well, they should all be back to front. You should start with the headliner and then get worse and worse. Like the Worst of Melbourne Comedy should get the worst show, should get worse over the course of the hour. Yeah, your headliner should be the worst person you could possibly find.

Someone doing their first gig and doing 20 minutes. And they should do half an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing 45. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone that doesn't have five minutes doing 45 minutes. Yes, beautiful. That would be, that would be, see, this is a, this is a better idea than any of this stuff here so far.

So, right. Okay, so do that. Anyway, here's some key elements I present as a checklist. Now, I love this one. Number one, start late. At 9.32, have the MC give a five-minute warning. And then, no other announcement for another seven minutes. Whoa.

Now, that is a mark of a beautiful... Oh, that's never happened at a good comedy. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny. The audience would really appreciate that level of detail for bad admin. Yeah. Incredible. It's going to start in five minutes, but then it doesn't start for an extra two minutes.

Yeah. With no apology given. Yeah. No, I love that. Imagine hitting that 6.5 minute mark and just go, oh, they've fucking done it again here. They've done it again here. Well, people are just packing themselves

before the MC already walks out because they're like, oh, I see what they've done here. How do they follow this? He said five minutes and it was seven. Fuck me dead. It's genius.

This is like some Kaufman level shit. We could leave now when we've got our money's worth. Right. Now that's to start with uh one paid pro act gets 50 this is uh always good he's handling the budget for you yeah yeah i don't know how the audience is appreciating the budget constraints like i don't know why that's why they think that's gonna like help it in the audience uh always good to promote many pro acts but only one actually turns up

Help the audience. Always good to promote many pro acts, but only one actually turns up, e.g. Nick Capper. Okay. Right. So, hang on, what? So you've said there'll be like four pro comedians on and only one of them shows up?

But again, that's not the worst. Like you're going multiple pro comedians are going to be on. That's not the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yeah, I'm starting to think some of this advice is bad. Yeah. Isn't like... This is the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yeah, I'm starting to think some of this advice is bad. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't, like... This is the worst of Melbourne comedy advice. Well...

Right here. So his point is that, like, the actual organisation and the, like, administration... Every... And machinations of the gig become part of what makes it the worst show. Even though none of it's visible. Yeah. He just thinks that it should be a method bad gig.

Yeah. So backstage should be, like, dirty and there's, you know, people, like, dirty as be people like dirty ashtrays and stuff like yeah yeah yeah i don't mind any of that yeah conceptually that's quite nice yeah but it doesn't really matter to the audience does it no yeah anyway uh i'm trying to think this guy should run the gig yeah because of his terrible bad advice yes okay it's like he's really committed to the idea yep yep uh what else have we got uh the mc does all new blames the audience for not laughing, introduces each act as the funniest bloke I know in Melbourne, then looks at a sheet of paper and mispronounces the name of the next act.

Actually good. That's just you. Yeah, yeah. Nick Caper? I love that. I remember in the UK I had a story about the MC introducing someone. Fuck, what was the name?

The name was a gender neutral name and so they were just, it was like a tag team situation so the comedian had to bring the next comedian up and they said, I love this next guy. He's one of my good friends. We've toured around the country together.

Please welcome Sam Bloggs. And then a woman walks out. Yeah. My good friend who's been through some changes. Was that a joke or for real? No, it was for real. It was tag team introducing someone he'd never met before and just assumed the classic.

Assumed he was a man, of course, because comedy. And then, yep. That was at the worst of London comedy. He was a man, of course, because of comedy. And then, yep. That was at the worst of London comedy. The fucking worst of London comedy. I mean, that is good.

No MC. Just open micers who've never hosted in their lives having to bring on the next act. Yeah. Yeah. Look, they're all good ideas. They're all worse ideas. There are no good ideas in this workshop. The only bad ideas are good ideas.

Don't be scared of chucking something out, even if it's good. We should have good comedians telling good jokes. Stop wasting my time, please. You're not taking this seriously. Get the fuck out of here. You are bombing up there. I got a round of applause. Like I said.

Yeah. You are bombing up there. I got a round of applause. Like I said. Yeah, look, then, look, to be honest, he then gives some decent advice. So, house... In terms of how to make a bad gig. Oh, okay. Yeah, like, house lights on, no music before the gig.

Good. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, that's good. No music before the gig, but music playing over the act. Oh, yeah, that's good. Actually, that's good. No music before the gig, but music playing over the act. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's actually really good. That's good. What's good is no music before, then the intro music,

and this has happened at some gigs I've done recently where finally the first bit of music happens and then they can't turn the music off. Oh, of course. And then the music goes on for a minute and someone's upstage and there's no worse feeling for a performer I think than someone standing

up there and just K-San is playing for one minute and you're standing there going I don't know what to do

it can't really be funny because people can't hear you you're absolutely not in control but I love that people sitting in silence before the gig

and then having to do their act over a bit of Soundgarden at full volume that's good that's the worst of Melbourne comedy yes I'll take that one. That's the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yes, I'll take that one.

If I saw that... You should do cabaret seating, but people can't sit with their friends. So, like, you split everyone up so that they're, like, sitting with complete strangers around the table. What if I put all the chairs facing the wrong way? And you do it like a reverse maths,

where you're sitting people with randoms, but you've got some experts in to work out who you look. You scan people through their tickets. You go onto their social medias and you only sit people near other people who you trust that they're not going to get on with. You know what I'm looking forward to? Someone in there, someone like me running the gig and then someone heckling and I have to go up to them and go, excuse me, sir, but can you make it louder?

Can you do that again? Yeah, yeah. you make it louder? Can you do that again? Yeah, yeah. That was quite funny. Can you cut that out? Excuse me, I've noticed you haven't heckled at all throughout the gig. Can you please? This is your first warning. First warning.

Okay, this is good. I don't come down to where you work and try and make it a bit better. I don't come down to where you work and try and make it a bit better. I don't come down to where you work and check the health and safety conditions. Excuse me, I've got to go turn up the heating. Yeah, are you side of stage maybe with some kind of crook? Oh, yeah. Like getting people off that are too funny, you mean? Maybe.

And using the crook to push on a worse comedian. And the red light means keep going, I reckon. Okay, yeah, yeah, right, right. Preloading the crook and shoveling someone on the stage with it. It's like, this guy's killing too hard. Push this open mic around. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right.

Using the crook to push out. I've never seen that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Replacing one. Adding someone. Yeah. Right. Oh, right. Using the crook to push out. I've never seen that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Replacing. Adding someone. Yeah. Right, right, yeah. So you're backstage with someone and you're putting them in the end of the crook and then

just like shuffling them around and just like getting them out there. It's traditionally a pulling device, not a pushing device, isn't it? But you get your own crook made where it like goes around the other way. Right. It's just a stick. Okay, that's good. I like that. Instead of getting someone off,

just adding someone to the mix because that really would annoy you. Yeah. Putting someone on, actually pushing someone on with their own microphone so they can then go over the top of the original act.

Oh, the acts don't have a microphone, I don't think. Oh, okay. I don't think you want the acts amplified. Okay. But if it does have a mic, it's sort of got a lot of feedback. Yeah.

Wait, wait. No mic for the act, but a mic for every single person in the audience. Oh, that's good. No, what I think is a perfect bad worst of Melbourne comedy is a handheld mic, no cord. Yep. They go out there. It immediately doesn't work. Yeah, you're having to spend all day getting the batteries down to just the level where they're not dead, but they're just a bit crackly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to walk that line. I reckon the first three words work and then the rest of it doesn't. But that's a whole day of you just getting those batteries down to that beautiful little 3%. Not fully dead, just enough. And I've had this literally happen before where people try and make me use, have I said this? People try and make me use like a handheld mic that's battery charged. And I'm always like, no, because it will run out. Every time you try and do this, it will run out.

It's the worst thing to use. It will run out. I don't want to use it. And a guy has gone, no, no, no, it'll be fine. It's charged. Don't worry. I've been testing it all day. Yeah.

Yeah, that will run the battery out. That's bad. And then it dies, and they bring you the backup mic, and it's corded. Yeah. Yes, really. Like, why aren't we just using this? Yes. All right.

End of advice. Here we go. Each act has five minutes, but none stick to time. And ensure someone rambles for ten plus minutes. If they're not getting laughs, give them more time to find them. That's the only way they'll learn. He gets it. I like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Trying to get out on a laugh. Yes. Up there for 20 minutes all of a sudden. Yes. So how are you planning to book for this gig? What's the process?

Who books this? There we go. How will someone get this? How can I get up? I hate to say it. I'm not learning the worst of Melbourne comedy. How did you get that? I hate to say it, but you've got to hit the pavement.

You've got to hit some bad open mics. No, but see, this is the thing. So after we talked last time, I was like, great. See, this has been the curse of me running gigs that are too good. I've been away too long. I'm like Rocky in the later Rocky movies where he gets away from the dirty gyms and stuff. He's got his own robot and stuff, and he gets soft. I've been at good gigs for too long.

All of a sudden, I'm romanticizing bad open mic comedy. I'm like, yeah, what if I did? What if I designed a bad gig? Oh, my God, imagine if a bad gig happened. And then I went to a really bad gig the other day because Nick Capper was going to be on, and I was out of the house. I'd had the kid all day.

I'm like, right, I've had eight hours of being inside looking at parenting. My wife's like, you can go out, do whatever you want. Capper's like, I'm going to have a beer at this open mic gig. I'm like, oh, come along. This will be great. Open mic, bad gig. So I go along and I watch and I see the first minute or two. I'm like, this is amazing.

This is bad comedy. Is anyone else enjoying this like me? Like imagine bad comedy. But all the people that are there like yeah this is our life this is where this is what we do and so i get like 10 15 minutes in i'm like oh my god i've made a terrible mistake a i'm at this gig b i'm trying to replicate this on purpose yeah and so i just watch bad over my comedy i'm like oh this is the fucking worst i forgot how bad and you hate this and you can leave at any point

yeah the worst in Melbourne comedy you have to be there all night yeah yeah this is my job now you have to declare this to the ATO yeah yeah yeah

so now I'm like oh no I've registered this I've paid good money to make this happen I'm selling tickets to it and so by the way

that's worth not glossing over too For anyone who doesn't know The cost to register a show In the comedy festival Is like 500 Australian dollars And also I've made the tickets 15 dollars

16 dollars for idiots And now that's been taken away That extra dollar So it's a lot harder for me To make my money back on this Yeah You going through this With the ATO And then being like God it's so much easier for me to make my money back on this game yeah this you going through this with the ATO

and then being like god it's so much easier when people just have deposits of $300 that are clearly for drugs and it's labelled as gay sex I mean god

god it's just that is so much easier than whatever the fuck is going on here yeah so now I'm like well now I can't now that I've seen my future

I've seen comedy festivals of future of what do they call it Christmas of what do they call it in Christmas Carol Christmas part like well now i can't now that i've seen my future i've seen um comedy festivals of future of of uh uh what do they call it christmas of what do they call it in christmas christmas but yeah ghost of comedy future yeah i've seen yeah no i can't do this so now i'm like oh there's a pivot yeah well now i'm gonna have to i think have good people because at the time i think guy montgomery was like oh i'll do it you know i'm gonna have to get some some good people doing at the time I think Guy Montgomery was like oh I'll do it you know I'm going to have to get some good people

doing bad comedy but what I think the plan is now if you get taken to court by like if someone goes to the ombudsman about this gig

for false advertising that would be the best outcome I think I'm going to have good comedians doing bad comedy but then in the like say it's like

five acts but then in the middle just put in the Facebook you know comedy hub where people find gigs and stuff like that

hey hey guys who wants a gig I'm booking for this it's a paid spot and then genuinely see who wants to perform who's that desperate

for a spot that they will put their name to a gig called Worst of Melbourne Comedy just to do a legitimate good gig so it's going to be you know know, like Tom Ballard MC, Tommy Daslow, Mel Bracewell,

and then some shit kicker in the middle with no explanation. Everyone's on purpose trying to be bad except for one guy trying to be good. I think that's a good mix. You could end up finding a superstar out of this mix though. Yeah, but Tom Ballard when he does the gig yeah that would be great if it's if it's like someone who does go on to be massive you know because if you're hungry enough you just do anything exactly that's my point but you couldn't but like so yeah a lot of those people are shit

yeah but some of them are really good yes we're gonna go on to be being really good yes so imagine just one day you're seeing like the new host of fucking the late show and you're like this name rings a bell and then you go back through your records and it's like wow he did his first ever gig at the worst gig ever at micf as i rebranded it halfway through the festival so how'd you get your start in comedy wow but like we said last time like because i have a gig called best of melbourne comedy it's like you you're on worst of melbourne comedy it's like you're banned you now have to do best of melbourne comedy Oh yeah, sure. You did too well.

Sure. You blew, you fucked up my gig. Yep. You made everyone laugh and that is not the rules. Yep. You would have to have someone

doing their first ever gig, I reckon. I reckon it's like first one. Do you think if you, let's say you're a year into comedy and if you'd seen this come up, do you think you would have put your hand up to do it? I think so.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Like you said, when you first start, you'd do it? I think so Yeah Yeah I think so Like you said When you first start You'd do anything Yeah You'd wear pyjamas

You're crazy It's a crazy time in everyone's life You do gigs that are terrible That are like Not billed as the worst of Melbourne comedy But they are Yes Sometimes they're the worst of comedy

M-I-C-F Yeah You know Yeah you get there And it's like This venue sucks There's no one here Yes

That's not set up for comedy Everyone's bad There's a very proud There's no one here that's not set up for comedy. Everyone's bad. There's a very proud moment, I think, in probably everyone's life when you knock back your first gig and go, you know what? I'm better than this. This will make me worse. Yeah, yeah. But until then...

That's what we're looking for. But until then, there's Worst of Melbourne Comedy on Wednesday nights at Spleen Bar during the comedy festival. I also love the idea of you touring the open mic rooms of Melbourne and seeing someone who's so bad, you then get on the phone and go, I found that new sound you're looking for. Yeah. Just in silence.

Yeah, yeah. No, literally at this bad open mic gig, there literally was someone which, you know, this is not tooting my own horn, but this is how sad comedy is. Like, you know, there's a bunch of open micers. They know me from booking a couple of good gigs. And so they're like, oh, the guy that books the good gigs, you know, oh, wow, maybe if I did well here, I could get on the good gigs. He's scouting. Yeah, yeah, that sort of thing. He's scouting Yeah yeah

That sort of thing So then a guy gets up And he's bombing Really badly And he says on stage Oh no I'm bombing And this is the night

That Carl's here Oh no But what he doesn't realise is I'm booking The worst of Melbourne comedy Good news buddy Yeah You were about to

Get yourself a gig Is he in Can you remember his name No Alright well Yeah But I can find out Damn close Yeah I can find out who it is I know how to find out Is he in? Can you remember his name? No. Yeah. All right. Well. Yeah. But I can find out. Damn close.

Yeah. I can find out who it is. I know how to find out who it is. I can't imagine anything worse than being on stage and talking about the opportunities you're going to miss out from how bad you're doing. I know. It's so sad. It is bad.

Because I'm sort of getting a blame for it up the back. I'm like getting hot under the collar going, oh God, well now I'm feeling bad. It's like, well, you're the one sucking. I didn't do it. Yeah. It's like those stories you hear about someone like going on a date

with a guy and then the, you know, halfway through the date, the guy's like, oh, hang on, I just got to do something

and it's like an open mic comedy gig starts up in the bar and he's on. I feel like that was like a bad dates in Melbourne post that went around. That was literally, wasn't that a Luke McGregor story?

Did he do that and then his date left halfway through the gig? Sounds like it. Certainly sounds, I believe it. That was, yeah, that was the thing. This is like early days McGregor before he got really good. Yeah. Yeah. What about like, have we ever talked on the show with you, Mel,

about like open mics ever talked on the show with you mel about like uh open mics in new zealand yeah it's it's weird in new zealand because the biggest the big comedy club the only comedy club does a monday night raw which always has like because it's like really cheap tickets has like 80 people there right there's always like a really good people can do their first gig and it will be i mean they won't be good but like yeah you've got to support it's like yeah it's like that one year in desperate sort of make my own gig situation so carl running the worst of new zealand comedy would be like what a shithole gig there were 200 people only 200 people oh my god everyone did like an eight out of ten it was fucking shocking

it's just not enough people trying to do comedy yeah you're trying to do it here so you're like oh i could do one of those every six weeks and be fine well carl there's a note i mean the first film of comedy goes well enough or badly enough and you then take it on the road yeah you tour it around to new zealand yeah i mean the best best of New Zealand comedy just moved to Australia so what's really left there you know

yeah there's an opening for an enterprising young promoter yeah alright well that's on sale anyway there's only three shows they're selling well

weirdly and I'm what's well though given the criteria of what we're talking about well too well Like people are coming to it So it can't be

I swear it's going to be A full house Every show I cannot wait For this to roll around First Wednesday Of the comedy festival And you just going

Fuck me Now I have to actually Go and do this Yes I have to actually Go and sit in spleen At 9.30 On a Wednesday night

Yes And you've seen Into my thoughts last night, lying in bed going, oh, no, this is happening. This was like a funny idea on a podcast, but now it's real. Now it's my life. Yes. I've got a lot better. You should have done the $25 for $25 deal.

See how many people paid more. Yeah. Ultra idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. Yes. $2,500 for 25. Yeah. Get in now, you fucking morons.

Full idiots, literally brain damage. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. You know, general admission, $15. Idiots, $30. But only 25 today. Well, yeah, I mean, look, maybe Worst of Melbourne Comedy can really put this podcast on the map.

If it goes well enough. What do you mean? Am I spruiking dum-dum to the people that go to Worst of Melbourne Comedy? Well, it's an idea that you started talking about on this podcast. So it is intrinsically linked to the podcast. Should I change it?

Oh, you know what? What if it wins the Barry? And they rename it in honour of... They bring the old name back. You know what? There is that award. What's that award for, like, weird shows or whatever it's called? The Golden Gibbo.

The Golden Gibbo. Yeah. Yeah, and what's the criteria for that? It's like, you know, weird out there ideas or... Independently produced. Not that funny. Independently produced. Not that funny.

I believe that's one of the criteria. Oh! Oh! You're looking at two fucking nominees here. And I'll say it again. Oh! out their ideas or... Independently produced. Not that funny. Independently produced. Not that funny. I believe that's one of the criteria. Oh! Oh! You're looking at two fucking nominees here. And I'll say it again. Oh! You're producing the worst of all the comedy.

What's the official... It's like, pursues an artist's idea more strongly than it pursues any kind of commercial lure. Yes. And, hey, that's worst show ever. I have a dream to make a really bad show. That's not a commercially viable idea. So I qualify for this. You should do an extra year and apply for a moose head.

Well yeah, the golden gibbo. It's not free getting on the tram to go out to bad open mics. The golden gibbo named after Andy Muirhead. to bad open mics. The Golden Gibbo named after... The funny thing about that is he's a pedophile. The Golden Gibbo named after Linda Gibson

who died of cancer. You are a cancer. What could be more apt? Oh, wow. Now we've got to start workshopping your acceptance for the Golden Gibbo. Now I've got to start workshopping your acceptance patch for the Golden Giggle. All right, now I'm going to apply. Best newcomer because it hasn't been in the festival before.

It's a new show. You're right. A lot of people will be doing their first ever gigs at it. Thank you. I'm going to apply for this. You're right. I'm going to do that. And then also, you're right, I should be getting our podcast name out there.

I believe, I think, you've got it online. At the moment, who's it presented by? I can't remember because I literally did this in November or something. Oh, it's like Mr. Comedy, I think. Is it Mr. Comedy? Yeah. Yeah, okay. So you want to make it the worst of Melbourne comedy presents?

Oh, no. The Little Dumb Dumb Club? Oh, well, we're interested in there as well. We could go Little Dumb Dumb Club presents worst of Melbourne comedy and then we could have worst of Melbourne comedy presents Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, I'll do that. I'll change that around.

It doesn't say. It's not presented by anyone? Nope. All right, well, I'll do that. I'll change that around. It doesn't say. It's not presented by anyone? Nope. Alright, well, I'll change that. God, I'll bet they'll love getting that email. Yep.

Me again? Yep. Can you add a few more lines to the steaming pile of shit? Yeah, I want to edit the image. I'd like it to be

the inside of the human anus. I know you're trying to book the Palais for the gala, but can you just add this little byline onto a show that no one's going to go to? It's so funny to do this at the Palais. Eight people there, dotted all around the venue.

You've got a guy up in the very back row. Okay, right. Well, anyway, tickets on sale. Tickets on sale, guys. You've got to do the move that people love to do now in the lead up to the Comedy Festival. Like, guys, selling so well, I've just upgraded to the main room at the Town Hall. Not really based on demand yet. Just good for the optics.

But if you were like, guys, fuck, already. I'm moving to... Guys, because of demand, I've whacked a few stools up the back. Getting quick. Please don't make me look stupid. I don't want to be standing there in front of empty stools. And also, if you don't get in quick, I'm't make me look stupid. I don't want to be standing there in front of empty stools. And also, if you don't get in quick,

I'm adding beer barrels behind that but you won't be able to see. So, get in quick. I also think you need to do a wheelchair accessible show. It's important that

the worst comedy is accessible to everyone. People in wheelchairs want to see the worst of the Melbourne guys. They need to know they need to know there are people

worse off than them yeah you need to get Auslan down there for one of them you need a sign like an interpreter for one of them

and it's it's the worst Auslan interpreter yeah yeah again their first gig you're like it's me doing it and it's like

them going hey um I need you know just to get prepared can you give me like a script of the show and you it. And it's like them going, hey, just to get prepared, can you give me a script of the show? And you're like, well, it's just all a line-up show. People getting up doing different material. But I can take some wild predictions that they're sort of getting ready for and then I got off the bus. Get ready

for a bit of, oh, dad. Get those ones ready to go. What's the sign for for let's call him blank because that's his name oh yeah that's good that's a good one doing comedy is a lot like having sex yeah yeah yeah get that one queued up yeah yeah well yeah this is um we i got a message from a listener uh the other week this is um this is like a i mean this is something i've talked about on the show before a dream for me for this podcast. And this might sound like, you know, not a big thing to aim for,

but to me it is a real sign of like that this podcast has truly made it. Someone sent me a photo of one of our T-shirts in an op shop. Oh, that's good. Oh, my goodness. That to me is like, you think about the like, for this to have been around long enough for someone to have, for A, to have made merch, someone to have bought the merch, someone to have gotten sick of the merch, someone to have then donated that merch to the op

shop. And then the op shop, you know, they get to look at it and go yay or nay. They're like, I'm aware of a little dum-dum club. I mean, we don't know what the fuck that is. But hey, someone will buy that for four bucks off the rack. But there's no like... And also, you know, they could have easily just chucked it out and thought, who the fuck that is yeah but hey someone will buy that for four bucks off the rack yeah but there's no like and also you know they could have easily just chucked it out and thought who the fuck would want this yeah i'm gonna use this to wash my car yeah but they thought wow someone else apart from me might like it yeah that's pretty nice so it's it's just there on the shelf at a at a st vinnie's

somewhere yeah but the but the frustrating thing is like there's a lot of like famous people on t-shirts that are in that same... Yeah, exactly. There's a Seinfeld shirt in there as well. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's not just us people get sick of. You can get sick of anything.

Hey, my friend bought a Seinfeld hat from an op shop last week. There you go. That's us. Yeah. That's us now. Well, but the thing that's truly... The show about less than nothing. The show about hands up your girlfriend's ass

and on purpose doing the worst possible comedy festival show you can. The bad show about nothing. But the thing that's most interesting to me about that is that someone will probably buy that shirt just because they, I don't know, they just want a black T-shirt. A hipster. They just kind of like how the text looks.

Yeah. But like, it's not going to be a fan that is like, oh, I always wanted one of them. And this one's really cheap. Yeah. It's going to be someone who's like, oh, I kind of like how random. So the idea that now our merch is in the hand, you know, it's like. You could see someone wearing your merch that has no idea who you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see them coming. You go up to them and go, name five episodes of Little Dumb Dumb Club. I'm walking towards them. Fake fan, fake fan. I see them coming towards me. I'm getting ready. I'm going to be asked for a photo here. Get ready.

And then just like being blanked by them on the way past would be my dream. Yeah. It's sort of like the, you know, like, yeah, like, you know, 18-year-olds wearing like a Nirvana or like Grateful Dead t-shirt. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But we'll, I mean, we'll never know who that person is and it's not like it's going to convert it into listen for us. Some 18-year-old girl walking along and one of our huge fat neckbeard fans going, which one of the Coastal Mill International Podcast Festivals did you go to? Yeah. None of them.

Yeah. I think we've got to make a run of t-shirts specifically to be designed to put direct into... We don't sell them on the website. They go direct to the op shop. We cut out the middle man. We put them in the interest of just like this show becoming more than just the podcast. It's just a brand.

Well, speaking of, we did get feedback this week because we make too many jokes about our our listeners all being fat and having beards and being into craft beer and stuff like that and we got a bit of an uprising last week a lot of people jumping on the bandwagon can you stop referring to us like this a lot of us are like eights and nines and stuff like a lot of us actually quite attractive and people jumping in yeah yeah i'm actually hot and whatever so it's was like, fucking sorry, must be nice, sorry. You two areas up after a gig then. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Are you going to run some worst comedy of Melbourne merch? Yeah.

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Fuck, having merch, first night of the worst of Melbourne comedy, 11 punters there. Guys, T-shirts printed on beautiful high quality. You know what, I'm into it. I'm going to do it. I went to the worst of Melbourne comedy and all I got was this T-shirts printed on Beautiful high quality You know what I'm into I'm into the worst

Of Melbourne coming And all I got Was this T-shirt That's good That's good You got the little What's very popular now Is the like

Maybe a bigger print On the back And then just like The little thing On the lapel You got that little Steaming pile of shit Just on the press pocket there

Oh beautiful Well look I get a feeling that there's... I'm fascinated by who's going to come because that's part of the social experiment. All right.

Who comes to a show called Worst of Melbourne Comedy? I've got a feeling there's going to be a lot of our people there. And look, you know, if you're an eight, if you're a nine,

you're more than welcome to come down. If you think you're that attractive, absolutely come down. Please just clip this on a phone with no context.

And just put it out on TikTok. These hotties are complaining. So now there's so many cross wires here. This gig is the worst open micers, but then the hottest audience in the whole of the comedy festival. Hottest audience members of Melbourne comedy, please come down. Please come down and show your faces. Worst Melbourne comedy, no fat chicks.

Yeah, yeah. Is that the policy? Well, you know... Wait, I've just thought of what your T-shirt could be. It's the little Lacoste alligator and he's talking into a microphone and he's saying, I've been self-isolating for years. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's good.

I'm just saying, these honeys are complaining. It's like, I think it's... For years, I think we've been more like... It's like, you know, pets that look like their owners. I think that's been more like that. Right like pets that look like their owners. I think that's been more like that. We're just like, oh, sorry. We didn't think we'd have any nines. But apparently they're out there.

So please come to more live shows. Listen to the content of this. Why would we think that anyone hot would be listening? Yes. Just people punching down with their podcast. No, I reckon that guy that wrote that email is really hot. You reckon he's ripped? Yeah. Okay. Dr that email is really hot. You reckon he's ripped? Yeah.

Dr. Butt was pretty hot. Yeah, Dr. Butt's a pretty good looking guy. Not that he listens to this. Yeah, again, he doesn't listen. He's a doctor. He's been featured on it. And he might listen after I give him a good grilling on Tuesday afternoon. I don't know.

Mr. Beer never listened. Oh, really? Yeah, I went back for a consultation. And he was very clear that he hadn't listened. Okay. Well, I'll work on Dr. Butt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, I went back for a consultation and he was very clear that he hadn't listened. Okay. Well, I'll work on Dr. Butt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll also go talk to them. Guys, that's my time. You've been a fantastic crowd.

Give it up for Carl for running the worst of Melbourne comedy. Say hi to your mum for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. From before. All right, we're going to wrap it up there For another edition of The Little Diamond Club Worst of Melbourne Podcasting Worst of Melbourne Podcasting Thank you Tom and Melanie For joining us

Mel you are about to go to the UK To do your show over there I am yes Yeah touring around this We added a fourth London show Because people like us in London. Everywhere else, oh, definitely room available. And you've got Ray O'Leary.

Ray O'Leary is my support act, so he's great. Yeah, and then you've got your show, Attack of the Melanie Bracewell, at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Correct, boom. And also, I assume, Perth, Sydney? Yes, Perth, Sydney, Brisbane. Just added another Brisbane show, actually, which should be on sale. We've got heaps of Brisbane listeners.

They love to listen. Okay, great. Good. Sit down and listen, okay? Yeah, get around all that. Go see Mel live at a comedy festival with you. These two, Tom Bell, I would say, I've seen both of you quite a bit recently, two of the absolute

most rock solid stand-up comedians going around in Australia at the moment. Absolutely. And how, like, looks-wise, out of 10? Oh, both eights, definitely.

Okay, yeah. And also... That's not good for you, Mel. You will... You're both banned from Worst of Melbourne Comedy to give you the ultimate compliment. The ultimate compliment.

Blacklisted. But you can be in the audience. So that's... Yeah. Okay. No, stop flirting. Gay. What a bummer.

I'm starting my show with Michael Hing, friend of the show in the Adelaide Fringe Festival. Ballard and Hing, we're doing half an hour each, split show in the garden in Adelaide from this Friday. Please come along to that except for Sunday when I'm going to do something else and so Ballad and Hing is

becoming Taunton and Hing and Sam Taunton that ugly guy that real four is going to be taking my place but yes come and see that and then my show is good. Dirt your eyes and just

listen. Please. I like you had a plug for a night of the show that you're not in. Check that out everyone. I just don't want anyone to sue us.

Do you want to plug the thing that you're going to do instead? It's a you had a plug for a night of the show that you're not in. Go check that out, everyone. I just don't want anyone to sue us. Do you want to plug the thing that you're going to do instead? Do you want to? It's a TV recording which won't go to air for a long time. If ever. Well, on SBS, so basically no. It'll go to air. It won't be seen. Yeah, okay.

Then my show, Good Point Well Made, is coming to Tasmania, to Canberra, to Warrnambool maybe? At the Melbourne Comedy Festival, Brisbane and Sydney as well, Newcastle and fucking Brunswick Heads on sale soon too. But yes, all the details at comedy.com.au. I'm putting it out there, both of you, in the mix for best show, without having seen the shows yet. You're both due for the best show at the festival. Everyone's in the mix.

Everyone's in the mix. Alright, okay. You're both shit. Is that what you want? What do you the festival. Everyone's in the mix. Everyone's in the mix. All right, okay. You're both shit. Is that what you want? What do you want? I'm not in the mix. I'm not doing a show.

Oh, look, you're up there with Worst of Melbourne Comics. Thank you. You're in the mix for awards. Wow. Three nominees this year. The smallest list we've ever had. Tom Ballard, Melanie Bracewell, and the Wor the worst of Melbourne. I look forward to seeing both of you on the dais.

Yeah. Thanks, girl. Thanks, Dr. Bart. Appreciate it. All right. We'll check all that stuff out, guys. Thanks very much

for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh.

I like that. That's catchy. Let's do that again. I might say that next week as well. I like that. Yeah, Bernie kicked a big one. So, what happened in that episode? Anything good?

I'll tell you what happened after the episode. Can you give me the cliff notes? Yeah. My little doggy, Kewpie, was in the room. He was cuddling up to Mel. I don't think we talked about this on the app,

but Mel has a dog that looks very similar to my dog. Yes. Same kind of breed and everything. And for some reason, the other night, my fiance was taking a little trip down memory lane. She went looking for the, the rescue dog group post

from when we got Kewpie. And she found like the original thing of him on the website that we responded to. She then found a Facebook post from the same group being like, oh, this little guy, he's up for adoption, da-da-da. And I was scrolling down, and who should we find in the comments but one, Melanie Bracewell, saying, so cute. Wow.

And so I sent her that, and I was like, you were perving on our dog before we'd even gone to meet him. I should have brought this up with her, maybe next time. She'll have posts of hers pop up on Facebook where she's quite an active social net baller and a lot of her personal posts of like, oh, I can fill in for A Reserve on Sunday or whatever. I'll just give it a like so she just knows I'm watching. Oh, yeah.

I'll just get a message going, stop looking at my netball posts. I'm like, they're coming up publicly on the feed. Yeah. I can't help it. I'm on Facebook. I'm just responding to what's happening on the news feed. I'm just enjoying. This is the whole point.

I'm enjoying responding to what's happening on the news feed. I'm just enjoying – This is the whole point. I'm enjoying your social functions. Have you seen any upswing on the algorithm for you in netball-related posts because of you liking this? Yeah, yeah, anything like that. It is funny. It works perfectly because anything like that, where you start liking it, Facebook goes, okay, well, I'll show you more of this. Instagram especially is a fiend for that one. You click one thing.

Like I'll get like a... Just a real estate listing will come up and it's like sort of near where I live and I'm like, I wonder what's going on in this house and what does this go for? Click one of them and then the next two days,

non-stop, in between every other Instagram story and ad for real estate. I know. I've got the opposite of that actually because I keep getting all these like half-naked women on Instagram. I'm like, what's happening here?

I don't like this at all. Have I told this story on – I think I've told this story on here about how we – I was with some friends and we were doing the thing where you go onto your Discover and what comes up, what it's recommending to you, which is indicative of the sort of stuff that you do on there. Yes. And so for me, it was all just like brown foods. It was all just the most like me saving recipes of like creamy pastas and stuff like that. Right. So mine was just all heinous recipes. Yeah.

And then we went on to my friends and it's all just women with big tits. Yes. And we're like, ah, and he's like, oh, no, no. Oh, look, I'll go on to my work account. Yeah. And then he goes on to his work account and it's like women with even bigger tits. We're like, on the work account, you animal. That's good.

That's good. Thinking that the work account would bring him back down to earth and be the real salvo. Like, surely when you're in that position, as you're loading it up, you remember, oh, no, hang on, what I do is I sit in the cool room and I bat off. That is the new internet search history. You don't want to see what's on that page. You don't want to show someone. I think search histories are less telling about people now. They're more like, how do I work this brand of washing machine or whatever?

It's the Instagrams where if someone's got something to hide, that's where you're doing your dirtiest work. Yeah, I think so. I wouldn't be remotely proud of what would pop up online. Well, because search history is just like something that you've done, whereas the discover on Instagram, that's the algorithm. That's a highly sophisticated piece of machinery going, you love this. It's so much more telling.

I do love it. That's how the algorithm works. Like you said, it is very sophisticated. Millions of dollars have been poured into the technology to really find out, no, those boobs aren't big enough. We need bigger ones. This is what this guy likes i would love to see i'd love to see just like a very general breakdown of what is when you go to people's discovers like what is the what's the breakdown between like big tits food yep um i

guess like fashion stuff like what's the what's the number one thing that people get served in the Discover? Yeah. This podcast. Let us know if you got onto this podcast through the algorithm, through Instagram, randomly recommending one of our posts. If you were looking for two boobs and you found these two boobs instead, yes. Let us know. Yeah.

Yeah, that's good. If something's just randomly come up and you've been like, all right, yeah, I'll have a look. Like we said at the top, plenty of live shows. If you want to come along and see all this muck live, that would be great. About to sell out our 700th episode. That's in real time.

That's like next week, isn't it, Tommy? Sure. Yeah, something like that. It's very close. If you're listening to this, hot off the press, hot out of the oven. It's very close. So get onto close if you're listening it is hot off the press hot out of the oven it's very close so get onto that if you're in Adelaide

and around about Melbourne hey that's fast approaching there's four shows we do these big four shows during Comedy Festival so that's March 30 to April

fucking 20 or something like that yep that'd be great four shows you can still get a season pass if you want to save a little bit of money

and then Koh Samui International Podcast Festival which not that we know exactly what's happening, but I don't think we've, maybe we haven't spelled out. In the past, what it means is generally two to three live podcasts, a stand-up show, something, one or two other weird things. And then, of course, you get to fucking be on an island paradise and do what the fuck you want from morning until nighttime, really, and not even have anything to do with this if you don't want.

However, we will be suggesting stuff and stuff we've seen as time has gone by and stuff that we haven't seen yet that we'd like to go and make maybe group expeditions and all that sort of thing. But anyway, we do have a handful of rooms left. If you go to our website, you'll find out all the details of all those sort of live shows. Yeah, it is time to move on all those things. Adelaide, Melbourne

and Koh Samui. It's the right time right now. So get onto that. Get your work leave out to go to, there's literally, you know, two or three rooms left,

I think, Koh Samui. So this is your time. After this, you're, man, I mean, we've said this previous years,

you're a fucking mad motherfucker if you're making your decision to make a trip after now, really. I think previous years have gone by where someone's made an April-May decision, which I find crazy. Really? Yes, but. Yeah, that's when I do most of my travel planning. I'm not too much of a long lead time. You're not in the fucking office nine to five. No, but yeah, true.

But I am also doing that with people who are coming with me who are like, all right, I've just put in for my leave in one month. Yeah. Maybe it's more common these days. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's more thing like airfares go up and stuff. Yeah, yeah. When you're doing it closer.

What else is happening? Tommy Dasso, any other news uh well of course the big news is that we have the patreon wow fuck where was the heads up with this get why don't you let me know in the in the group chat yeah yeah yeah in the group chat between the two of us we know i wanted to get your reaction live on the air i didn't want to have it signposted too much. Well, that's good because I could never have conjured this sort of emotion and surprise. I wish people could see your jaw is on the floor right now. Yep.

Yep. And yeah. Yes. While you're up there. Yep. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Sign up. Get yourself two bonus mini episodes every week two

great ones coming out off the back of this episode with uh tom and melanie always uh well usually the guests from the episode hang around huge archive of them to get into and uh dig into hours and hours of content in there and of course by doing so uh you become eligible to have your name read out in this very segment. Oh, my God. Yes. This is a reason to not kill yourself. If ever you're on the edge and you think, what have I got to live for? Sign up to Patreon and then just every day there's a reason to get up.

Yeah. This might be the day. So you know that Netflix show 13 Reasons Why? No. And it's like someone who's killed themselves and it's like the show is going through their note. No. The note they left of the 13 reasons why they killed themselves.

Oh, no. So this is our version. One reason why not. Yes, right. One reason. I've written a living note that I've just handed out to all my friends and family with their names on it and they get handed the note

and they think, oh no, something unthinkable's happened. And then it's like, me, I'm alive, just letting you know. I've decided to continue living. And it's all because of patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Great reason.

That's it. Welcome to one reason. Thank you very much to first cab off the ring Patreon subscriber, Rosie Hampshire. Kill yourself, Rosie. Whoa. No, no no sorry

what what I got confused where did that come from I got confused the opposite it's the opposite isn't it you're supposed to stay alive oh no

yeah oh well actually maybe once you get once you get read out it's permission to then do it if you want what

what are we talking about well is that is this one reason one reason to not kill yourself is because you might have your name read out yeah the so now because you might have your name read out. Yeah. So now that you've had your name read out, that's it.

Now you're not going to do it. That's the only thing you had to live for. Now you're not going to do it. Yeah. But that's the only thing. This is the only thing these people have going on. No, but that was the only thing that they had to wait for. But then it's been read out.

Now they can go. No, but now this riff that we do on their names, this has shown them that there's true beauty in the world. Oh, this is like- And that life is worth living. This is a wonderful life. Yep. Okay. A wonderful podcast. A wonderful Patreon read.

It's a wonderful podcast. Every time we read your name out, every time we... There's no way of putting ring into this. Every time we read your name out, you beautiful angel get your own Patreon wings. Yes. Okay, well there we go. Rosie Hampshire, you, you beautiful angel, get your own Patreon wings. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, there we go. Rosie Hampshire, you've got your Patreon wings. Congratulations. Long time listener, Rosie Hampshire. Squeaky Wheeler.

Yeah, I'll bet. Because this is someone who has got on the text line. Someone saved my number from the old days. And yeah, going through the text message I got, I was like, oh yeah, read my name. I've been from the start. and uh yeah going through the text message i got i was like i was like oh yeah read my name i've been from the start blah blah blah i'm like okay from before yes from before from well before and from now on all squeaky wheel um requests need to include yes i'm from before yes to prove prove it yeah if you say you're from the future it's like aha To prove. Prove it. Yeah.

If you say you're from the future, it's like, aha, you're not. Yeah, no, it's not your time yet. That's kind of what a callback is. It's the squeaky wheel getting the grease. Yes. Yes. You talk about the squeaky wheel earlier in the show. Yes.

And then 20 minutes later, you go, here's some grease from before. Can you put the name in? Rosie Hampshire, brackets, from before. Instead of like the maiden name. Yep. Knee from before. Knee from before. From before. You put the name in Rosie Hampshire brackets from before. Instead of like the maiden name. Yep. Knee from before. Knee from before. Yeah. No, isn't it the other way?

It's like she was Hampshire now that she's been read out. She's from before. Oh, right, right, right. That's her name now. Everyone's... We changed the name of everyone whose name has been read out. Yep. Is it hyphenated?

From before? From... From hyphen before? Yeah. Or is it Rosie Hampshire hyphen from before? Or is it Rosie Hampshire hyphen from before? Or is it Rosie before middle name from? Oh, right. That's too much.

That's too much. No, no. From before. People have like, I don't think you have to have it hyphenated. You'll have like, you know, van something and it'll be. Oh, yeah. You see surnames that are like two words. Okay.

So, yeah, from before. Okay. Speaking of the algorithm, I went through the... Once I got the text, I scrolled. It was like, oh, long time listener sort of thing from before. And then I went, okay, well, what else is in this text thread? And it's just cookie related chat. Okay.

Just like three or four bits of like, oh, this cookie and that cookie and this cookie. I'm like, okay. Can you remember how far back it went? Like what year are we talking? Because I reckon Rosie may have well been on board from the very beginning. Wow. She'd be about as close to a day one-er as you can get, I reckon. Okay.

All right. Well, let me find this text. Here we go. Let's see. Man, cover for me. Let me find this text. Here we go. Let's see.

Let's... Man, cover for me. Who still listens that got onto this, like, basically day one? All right. Oldest text. Yep. Wow. Okay. Here's the date of the oldest text and then the message from Rosie.

9th of March, 2014. Wow. Coming up on the 10-year anniversary of Contact being made. You and Rosie got to celebrate on, what did you say, March the 4th? March the 9th. March the 9th. That's really soon. You guys got to just chop it up over text all day.

Yeah. Well, this is the only other text on the 9th of March 2014? You could have at least shaved. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Is that a from before or is that a Rosie original? I assume. Well, look, it's at 8.53 at night.

Here's my pick. Oh, fuck. You know what? Now I want to know what day of the week it was. Get your diary out. Go back through your big stack of diaries that you hang on to after every year. I'll go back through my... And open up March 9th. I'm going back through my personal hygiene diary to see why I hadn't shaved that day.

Get your old razors that you put in a Ziploc bag and you write the dates on just because you're a crazy hoarder. Yeah. I'll go through the time capsule and find out. Oh, fuck. March 4. I want to know what day of the week. Oh, what?

Yeah, March 9, 2014. How are you going about this? Are you Googling what day of the week was it on March 9, 2014? I'm just putting 9th of March, 2014. And then surely it will say what day of the week was it on March 9, 2014? I'm just putting 9th of March, 2014, and then surely it will say what day of the week it was. Is there a Wikipedia entry for that date? I want to know what was going on in the world. I'll tell you what it was. It's the 68th day of the week.

Day of the year, sorry. Yeah, okay. 68 days a week. It wasn't a leap year, was it? Because that would have made it the year, sorry. Yeah, okay. That would... 68 days a week. It wasn't a leap year, was it? Because that would have made it the 69th day. Oh, I have no idea. It was 2000... No, now I have to open another fucking browser.

Was 2014 a leap year? Just when you thought this segment couldn't get any more fascinating than talking about people's names. Now we're talking about specific dates. It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't. Not an APA, damn. Damn, that could have been the 69th.

That would have been amazing. But yeah, what was, yeah, is there like a Wikipedia page for that specific date? Yes. Let's get into it. What was going on? But it's March 9 in general throughout history. Oh, okay. Yeah.

That's a shame. I want to know what the fucking... What was going on? I just know. I think it's going to be too hard to figure out whilst we're trying to create content at the same time. Whilst we're on the job, so to speak. Yeah, I think so.

I'm going to have a look too. It was a Sunday. Okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. You could have at least shaved. Okay, so that makes it more of a mystery because you know what? It was a Sunday. Okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. All right, all right. You could have at least shaved. Okay, so that makes it more of a mystery because you know what?

I thought maybe on a Friday, Saturday, she'd seen me at a gig or something like that. I've looked a bit scruffy. Yep. This must mean if she's seen me on a Sunday night and I'm scruffy, where's she seen me? Yeah. Maybe at like the supermarket or something like that, because it's at night as well. Or maybe I've done a very rare Sunday night gig. I doubt that.

Oh, hang on. What? Oh, shit. What date did that happen? What? Are you just Googling times where Carl hasn't shaved? No, I found the Wikipedia entry for the 9th of March 2014. Oh.

It was so easy. So guess what had happened the day? So, okay, here's one thing that was happening on the 9th of March 2014. Right. The Minister of Transport of Vietnam orders local airports and airlines to tighten their security after the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Oh! And there you are, walking around unshaven,

while all those poor people on that plane have gone missing and their families are looking for answers, and you're walking around like some bum with... I wonder if... Maybe, maybe... Because remember we did a live podcast in Brisbane? Yep. Nearly at the same time as that happening.

Yep. Maybe that was that. It would have been that podcast in Brisbane. Yep. Nearly at the same time as that happening. Yep. Maybe that was that. It would have been that weekend, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, a few other things of note. All pretty awful. Suicide car bomber kills 42 people at a police checkpoint in Iraq.

Mexican authorities confirm that Nazario Marino Gonzalez, the top leader of the Knights Templar cartel, was killed. Yeah, there's, yeah. All stuff that you really should be shaving for. A little bit of respect. Gonzales, the top leader of the Knights Templar cartel, was killed. Yeah, there's... All stuff that you really should be shaving for. A little bit of respect. Yes, exactly. Exactly. You hear about a car bomb and you're like, fucking hell, better get the big out. Yep, that's it. Well, thanks, Rosie. Thanks, Rosie.

Let us know if you can remember specifically. Yep. I'd love the idea that this is like a core memory for Rosie, where she's like, vividly she can remember where you were and what you were doing when she saw you in public. Yeah. Because you're right, we probably were in Brisbane. Yeah.

I mean, that might be a thing. Maybe Rosie's an ex-Brisbane resident. Do you want to hear some highlights of our text thread through the years? Sure. And again... Other things that we can't remember. Yeah. This is, you know, I don't know who these people are that text me out so i'm always like i've i respond to them like i don't know who the fuck this is

i will say i only want to hear updates that uh that that also happened on march the 9th okay well she tried to ring me oh okay at 29th of june 2016 at 1 10 p10pm okay she also tried to ring me on the 4th of July at 7.34pm oh you've got the thing where your missed calls convert to texts yeah I guess so

okay interesting um and she said uh do you in 2019

do you work on hard quiz if you do I can pick your jokes. And I used to. And I said, what was the joke? And she said, something, something, Sonia Kruger hates Muslims. Sounds like a classic Chandler. Yep. Which wasn't mine.

2019. Yep. What else? What else? What else? Yeah, and then it just goes into cookie chat for the rest of the time. Okay, well, for someone I don't know, I've talked a lot on text message to this person. Nice to put a name to the text.

Yeah. You didn't know her name the entire time. Her name is not on this the entire time. So it wasn't until... I guess that is the nice thing about the squeaky wheel that's already been texting you. You finally get to work out who you've been texting with Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's like Yeah, it's like some sort of Hollywood romance Like, oh, okay We've just been pen pals for ten years What's the dating game? Yeah You're just hearing her talk from behind a screen Oh, yeah

Bachelor number one Yeah Oh, I like cookies Yeah And men who shave Yeah And then it's like Okay, I pick bachelor number one.

Yep. Well, Rosie Hampshire is a, you know, et cetera, et cetera. Well, unfortunately, it was never going to work when in July 2020, she texted me a picture of her boyfriend. So that's really, yeah.

I mean, that's a... Why did she... That's a red flag to me. Stop texting me or this man will bash you. No, she was, I believe here, the two of them were guessing. I think we were doing, I mean, remember back to these days, Tommy, remember in the middle of a pandemic where we were getting drunk and doing live Zoom shows.

And we should put out copies of that or something. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if I've got them, but I'll have a look. I think I remember a listener texting us and going, I have them all. Oh, really? Yeah. Someone bootlegged us.

Someone bootlegged them. Someone made a cam copy. Yep. And anyway, they were doing a live bingo. They were trying to guess who the guests were going to be. Ah, okay. Yeah. Some very optimistic guesses in there.

We did get some good people. Yeah, you're right. Man, what a little brain fog that time was. Yeah. I would love to actually see some of those shows. We did about, what, three or four of them, I think, in the middle of pandemics? Yeah.

Getting people zooming in and they were like fucking two hours long or something. Yeah. They people zooming in and they were like fucking two hours long or something. Yeah. They were fun and I remember at least one of them me getting so drunk that I, you know,

half an hour after the show I vomited. Oh, really? Yeah. Nice. Which is very, you know, I mean,

you know, you do that when you're a kid or whatever, but like fucking hell, me just drinking at home by myself. Yeah. What a time.

Anyway. Well, thanks,, fucking hell, me just drinking at home by myself. Yeah. What a time. Anyway. Well, thanks, Rosie. Thanks, Rosie. No more text, please. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Damian Jones. Damian Jones. Fuck, I really feel like we got lucky with Rosie Hampshire. We had so much to play with there.

Yeah. Not so much about the name, but more just the personal history. Damian Jones, I don just the personal history. Everything. And now we get... Tell me, Jones, I don't believe there's ever texted me. No, okay. In my opinion. Is this a squeaky wheel or is this just a straight up UTA? I think this may have been a squeaky wheel from a little while back.

Okay. I think. I put this... I programmed this into the UTA under a special little bit and now I forget why I did that. Okay. Yeah. Right. I think it was this, I programmed this into the UTA and under a special little bit. And now I forget why I did that. Okay. Yeah. Right.

I think it was, I think it was slightly squeaky. Um, I believe so, but I think, you know what? I think this was a squeaky wheel that squeaked and then I looked at it and went, that's not fucking long enough. You don't need grease. Yeah. You went and looked at the wheel and you're like, you're putting it on. Yeah.

But now it's been sitting there that long. I'm like, oh yeah, fuck, I should put this on. Right. Yeah. You went and looked at the wheel and you're like, you're putting it on. Yeah. But now it's been sitting there that long, I'm like, oh yeah, fuck, I should put this on. Right. Yep. So what you're saying is the request to get the grease, it's kind of a slow release. Yeah. So if you, you might not be one now.

Yeah. But if you make the request now, by the time Carl gets around to it, you will be squeaking. But don't subscribe and immediately squeak. Don't subscribe under the name Squeaky Wheel. That's a good name, though. That's definitely going to happen now.

Mr. and Mrs. Wheel, if you're out there listening, boy, have we got a name for a child for you. If your last name's Wheel, come on, guys. Don't call your kids Squeaky. Any other surname. The name Squeaky is fine. Thomas Wheel's fine. Yeah.

But not Squeaky. Or Squeaky Smith. Yeah. Squeaky is fine. Thomas Wheel is fine. But not Squeaky. Or Squeaky Smith. Squeaky Jones. That's fine. Actually, now that I'm saying it more and more out loud, I don't mind the name Squeaky. Squeaky Smith. Squeaky. Squeaky Chandler.

Squeaky Jones. I don't mind. Squeaky Allsop. Squeaky Jones. Yeah, that's fine. But that's not the name of this guy. This guy's name is Damien Jones. Damien Jones. J- Jones. Damien Jones.

J-Mo. Damien Jones. Big J-Mo. Big J-Jonah. I keep thinking in my head that it's Duncan, but it's not. It's not. Duncan Jones, the director. Don't know.

He made the film Moon, if you've ever seen that. No. And he's also the son of David Bowie. Oh. Born Zoe Bowie? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Someone breaking into our house.

Some work going on out there or something. I'm going to look that up because I reckon. Is he that son? He's one of those guys, like, you know, theappers That get Fucked up names And then they go I'm actually gonna Change my There you go Fuck you dad

Duncan Jones Yep Zoe Bowie Or Zowie Bowie Zowie Bowie Yeah Wowie Zowie Bowie Yep that's him

Yeah right Well that makes sense Oh I love this You google that And then the first question That comes up People also ask Why did Zowie Bowie change his name?

Why do you fucking reckon? I love a bit of people also ask. Yeah, a couple of banger films under his belt and then turned out nothing but crap ever since, in my humble opinion. As a kid, Duncan did indeed go by Zowie, but he never really liked the name. As a teenager, he switched to using Joey, and then Joe. As an adult, he started using Duncan.

One possible reason he uses his legal surname professionally, rather than his dad's stage name, is to avoid being forever viewed in his dad's shadow. That's fair. Well, one possible reason. What would the other reason be? And that one possible, that's like well one possible reason what would the other reason be and that one possible that's like four of them why else would you possibly do that yeah yeah yeah i wonder what uh i wonder what bowie made of that when he came to him and he was like hey dad i'm really sorry but you really fucked me up here i reckon he would have gone i have no memory of calling you that. That's very fair to do. I'm really sorry.

There's that clip of, I don't know what song they do, but I'm pretty sure it's Bowie and maybe Bing Crosby doing a duet together. Yes. And then it's like they asked Bowie about it years later. Yeah, and he's like, I've got no memory of doing it. All I remember is thinking that bing crosby's head looked like an orange yeah i think he's a guy that like has stories like yeah when i went to what do you think of berlin i have no memory of living in that city for five

years yeah cool entire albums can't remember anything about the process yeah just got lucky i guess yeah man imagine that it's like that thing where someone told me a story the other day where it was like oh someone fell asleep at the wheel and then they had one of those self-controlling cars that just stay inside the lines and they woke up like 40 minutes later it's like oh my god that's fucking that's so scary but someone did that and had two albums later yeah yeah yeah oh God, I did a reggae album. Oh my God. I fell asleep in the self-driving studio.

I wonder if that's what happened to Duncan Jones when he made the Warcraft movie. Honestly, one of the worst things I've ever watched. What? Oh, right. Okay, his son. Yeah. Okay, right, right, right. Well, look, now that he's taken the Jones valor,

this guy, Damien Jones, he could possibly rename himself Damien Bowie. Damien Bowie. Yeah. Well, look, is it settled science that it's Bowie? Yeah, isn't it? I don't know. Does anyone say it Bowie? I'm only saying it because to call your son Zoe Bowie is insane.

Yeah. So it's made me think maybe it's Bowie because Zoe Bowie makes more sense. Zoe Bowie. I mean, as we've discussed, this is a man who's famously off his head for that entire period. I'm giving him too much credit. You know, he doesn't remember living in Berlin. It's fair enough that he'd forget what rhyming is. Yeah, what?

How to pronounce his own name. Yeah, the writing Z-O-W-I-E. That's a boy's name, isn't it? Yeah. Zoe? I could see that being a thing where it's like, yeah, you know what? There's going to be some issues with pronouncing this, but written down. Yeah.

It looks cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you see it in the head, it's like, great. At the moment, I've thought of it for the first time in the birth registry the kids popped out yeah what could go wrong from here i'm writing that down done yeah without ever saying it out loud yep well thanks damien thanks damien bowie and check out moon anyone who hasn't seen moon great film what happens in it sam rockwell he's a he's a guy who's stationed on the moon. He's by himself doing some research, and he starts to go a little bit crazy.

Uh-oh. It's really good. Uh-oh. Thanks, Damo. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jacob Blackney. Okay. Yeah. Interesting.

Blackney. Blackney. Yeah, B-L-A-C-K, as you'd imagine. N-E-Y. I thought I saw Jacob Elordi In the street the other day Jacob who? Just a handsome man

Who? Elordi Who's that? Jacob Elordi The guy from Saltburn That new That hot guy The guy who plays Elvis

In the new Priscilla movie Oh that guy That hunk Oh no That Australian hunk In the Priscilla movie Yeah Not the other one

No no not Austin Butler. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Not the guy who's still Elvis in real life. I know who that is. By all accounts. I know who that is. I don't know the other guy. It's funny that there's a guy who did Elvis and he was like, oh, it just really took me

over and I couldn't get out of the voice. Yeah. And then within like a year or so, there's like another guy who plays Elvis who's just like, yeah, I just kind of turned up and pretended. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, I just pretended to be this guy and just, yeah, I was able to just sort of get on with my life immediately afterwards.

Do a funny voice. And guess what? His one is way better. Oh, really? Yeah. Jacob Elordi, he's a really fucking good Elvis. Okay. He's maybe the best thing about the Priscilla movie, I reckon,

is the Jacob Elordi performance. But, no, he's the guy who that film Saltburn that everyone's really obsessed with. And spoilers for that movie, there's a bit where he's batting off in the bathtub and then barry cogan's character comes and drinks the bath water oh and uh there was a thing recently where jacob alorti assaulted a producer from the kyle and jackie o show because he was trying to do some like prank with him about bath water and it it was this whole thing where it goes around overseas and the americans are like oh no we love this guy now he's like bashing up radio producers is this really bad and everyone from australia going

ah it's someone from carla jackie oh it's fine that's just the culture over here and was it for real or was it a prank i don't really know i think it was just this guy trying to like kind of needle him and he was like leave me alone. Get the fuck out of here with your bath water dude. Okay. Alright.

Okay. What's the context? Like does he know there's cum in the bath water? That's why he's trying to drink it? He's watched him yeah he's watched him drink

he's watched him bat off in there and he's like a bit obsessed with him and then when he gets out of the bath as the last bit of the water is draining out

he kind of goes in there and just slurps up the remaining bit of bath water. And that's why it's called salt water? No, what's it called? Salt burn. No, salt burn is like the name of the manor that they're living in. But I tell you what, I saw that scene and I thought, this is very funny, fellas. Yes.

The cum bath drinker. Yeah. Well, you know, there's that thing of like saying you love someone so much i drink their i drink their bath water wow yeah wow so it's coming what yeah i um i love them so much that just drinking the bath water isn't enough yeah that's not enough of a display of my affections yep um batting off in the bath is a crazy move because that also says to me i love myself i'm happy to just be sitting there stewing around in my own semen. I mean, it's a physical, it's difficult.

I know some people are on board with doing it in the shower, but I'm absolutely not. I've possibly done it once ever and gone, this is too hard. It is a bit of like, do I need another shower now? Yeah. It's... I don't know. There's too much interference coming in with the water and everything. I'm like, no, I'd rather do something else.

It's not very... You know, we're all meant to be timing our showers and conserving water. No. It's not really good for that. No. And there's no... I mean, men are traditionally very sort of visual. I think women are sort of the opposite of that, but men are very visual.

And I'm like, I'm in the shower. I'm looking at the taps. It's not doing heaps for me. You're getting the laptop. You're wrapping it in glass. I'm like cutting pictures out of the woman's day. I'm sticking it on the wall. Laminating them.

They're getting sodden. Going out of office works to laminate your porn them. They're getting sodden. Going down to Officeworks to laminate your porn on. Yeah. Now before you question and think this is weird, I promise it's nothing such. I just want to whack off

in the shower. Yes. Yes. I don't want to do it. I don't want to get caught in the bedroom and alarm anyone, disgust anyone.

I'm in the private sanctity of my own shower. No one's getting hurt apart from some poor, innocent pieces of paper. Now, I'd like to spare their lives. I'd like to let them live forever. I would say that for a lot of people, the shower is probably more about the convenience than anything else. And look, it's the perfect crime in terms of the evidence is straight down the drain.

Well, yeah, there's that. But there's also like, look, you live a rare lifestyle where you're at home a lot during the day. You get the house to yourself. If you want to put one away, it's easy for you. Hang on, what? The average person. Sorry? The average person.

I can do that? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to start trying to do this. But you think about the average person, them and their partner work a nine to five. Yes. Anytime they're in the house, the wife is around, the kids are around. When am I meant to do this?

I agree. And there's probably a lot of men listening to this right now who are like, what a fucking, this is like anytime you go, I had to get up really early at like 7am. Oh, seven's early, is it? This is the same thing. Oh, whacking off in the showers beneath you, is it? This is you booking a fucking holiday a month out. Yeah. That's early, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the same thing. Oh, whacking off in the showers beneath you, is it? This is you booking a fucking holiday a month out. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what it is. Oh, la-di-da. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The showers beneath me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For some of us, that's literally as good. That's the only time we're ever going to be able to do it. Yeah.

There's probably a man listening who's like, I used to be like you. I feel the same way. Yeah. I don't love it in there. Yeah. I want my pornos. Yeah, yeah yeah i was gonna say maybe this is like you know if people saw my car they'd be like oh fuck this guy's

struggling but what i can say is hey i don't wank in the shower and people be like oh fuck you must be doing all right yep yep you've got at the very least you've got time that's good well this is what uh this is what the four day work week is all about just giving people more of a platform to be able to whack off wherever they want in their house. Yeah. Yeah. You just have to make sure that your schedule is out of sync. So your wife doesn't work Mondays.

You don't work Fridays. Yeah. Both of you get a bit of time to yourself in the house. Yeah. It's – I don't know. I just – yeah. It's not for me. I'm glad I've got some time to myself because I just don't think I could make it work.

What do you think? I mean, I've done it on occasion, but it's definitely, yeah, it's not my go-to. No. It's not my, yeah, it's not my favorite destination. Okay. Well, Jacob Blackney, you and your very dark little leg joint. I hope you're a... What?

Oh, Blackney. Blackney. I had to refer to it somehow. Surely Jacob Blackney is like sitting there going, what are they going to say about my black knee? I have a black knee. It's like a combo of the two most well-known things about Hey Hey Saturday. Blackface and Dickie Nee.

Oh, yeah. Jacob Black Knee. Yep. Yeah, that's something. Yep. Hey Hey, it's Jacob. Yeah. J, J, J.

Anyway. Thanks, Jacob Black Knee. Thanks, Jacob Black Knee. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber Jack Shepardson. Jack Shepardson. Jack. Well, speaking of being someone's son. Yes.

And what you were referencing before. Yes. Last night I put this hypothetical to some friends. Would you rather have as your dad Chris Lilley or Daryl Summers? Oh, that's interesting. Hmm. Well, I mean, age-wise. Well, taking that out, just assuming that it's whatever.

Even Stevens. Okay. All right. Are you positing it to me now? Yes. Do you want to hear my answer? Yes. While you think?

While I ruminate? Well, so I think it's like a fairly common thing. Your dad tries to be funny and you go, oh God, this is lame. And I think with Daryl Summers, the handy thing would be is that I kind of think everyone feels that way about him. You know, he's so like dad adjacent to like all of us in his style of humor. I remember. Whereas I feel like you would meet people, if they found out Chris Lilley was your dad, they'd be like, oh my God, S-Mouse, so fucking funny. Right.

And you'd have to be like, then you're having to be like, yeah, my dad's really funny, I guess. You know what I mean? But wouldn't you also meet a lot of people that, like us, would think, your dad sucks. Well, but then I wonder if you're like on board, you know, if you're growing up in the shadow of that, whether you're like, I was trying to tell him. Blacking up on TV isn't cool. Yeah. Or whether you're so indoctrinated into the family, you're like, hey man, you shut the fuck up about my dad. That boot polish paid for me to go to private school.

I think there'd be a lot going on. I don't think there'd be one thing going on. He'd be testing his characters in the house. You know that. Would he be one of those? Oh, fuck. What t-shirt's the only blown off the wall there? Oh, shit.

I should get it. Yeah, I think he would be one of those guys where I read a story about Peter Sellers where I think the Monty Python team went to work with him on one thing and he like came down from his room late and was like ah oh hello and like and like was putting voices on and then yeah they'd talk to him he'd go and like the whole time he was doing it and they're like going they're literally going oh okay sure and just we're not saying anything yep and it got to later in the day

and they went oh he's not doing this for us he's like trying to remember what his voice is like he's oh he's trying to get back to real yeah yeah yeah yeah I wonder if it'd be

he's like quantum leaping back to back to his real voice I wonder if it'd be a bit like that it's like oh dad's cooking dinner tonight he comes in he's doing the eyes he's made you some canton.

You're like, oh, Dad, no. You're bringing a new girlfriend around to meet him for the first time. That's funny that he's getting into character to cook a meal. Well, he can't break out. He's trapped in it. Which way are you going to go? Why don't you just go that way? Oh, yeah, okay.

You know why? Because that door didn't work for like years oh okay and so i i started using it as a window rather than a door i didn't so anyway sorry i've got to go off mic for yeah 15 seconds i'll try and feel well uh listeners talk about your favorite chris lilly sketch right now my favorite chris lilly sketch i mean bringing a bringing a partner home and he's there dressed up as a jemai the school girl i just think like yeah meeting people and then being like oh yeah i loved when your dad was in a dress pretending to be a 17 year old girl on tv it would fucking drive you insane the times that you met someone that was like quoting quoting your dad back to you specifically when it's him

doing little characters i think you would be like, you would fucking hate it. I think it would be stressful for someone to go, oh, your dad's Chris Lilley. And then you just have to go, um, yes, where's this going? I just reckon every day it feels like you're about to get cowed punched every day. Yeah. What's happening?

Is this good or bad? I put this to my friend kate last night and she said hmm it's tough because uh i feel like um i feel like chris uh wouldn't really have much maturity as a father figure and i was like and so the alternative is you think the man that has spent most of his life hanging out with a ostrich puppet is the mature one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know much. Because, I mean, if you were growing up, if you're a little kid, right,

and dad's never home because he's out, he's off, he's constantly at his job. I had Saturday. They've got production meetings all day and you're like, I miss my daddy. I wish my daddy was around to play with. Saturday evening I'm sitting around with nothing to do. I miss my, oh, where's daddy? And then you turn on the and he's there hanging out with a bunch of toys essentially yeah he's there with a big duck and a big ostrich yeah be like why doesn't daddy why

doesn't daddy bring me along to play with his toys but you know that thing of like you know when it was that traditional hey it's saturday every saturday night most of australia would watch it yep is if you're a kid you'd watch it if you're like you'd use it as sort of like pre-drinks before you go out yep so you would never see your dad in real life growing up but you would watch him every saturday night that's what i mean yeah yeah and you and people would be and so people have this like fondness and closeness for your dad but you you're like, well, he's fucking never around. No, but you're with those people. Yeah.

As you're growing up, you're a kid, and even your mum's like, oh, what do you want to do tonight? Oh, well, all my friends watch Hey Hey, so I guess I have to watch that to keep up with my friends. Yeah. And you're sitting there watching your dad fuck around. Then you grow up and you're having drinks, and it's like, cool, where are we going tonight?

I don't know where we're going later, but right now we're watching Hey Hey and getting pissed. I remember being a little kid when Hey Hey would be on on a Saturday evening and it honestly felt like it went for about nine hours. It'd be on as you're getting ready to head out to the family friend's house. Then you get there, you're chucked in a rumpus room, it's still on. Then maybe all the kids in the living room are watching a movie or something, some Disney movie, and then the movie ends and you're all sort of like nodding off, ready to be carried into the car, and it's like

hey, hey is just still going. Yeah, yeah. Really feeling like in that final hour of it, it's like, how are they still doing this? There was something a bit like, kind of almost like sinister about it still being on. Yeah, two hours of live TV. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. Two hours, it was only two hours. live tv yeah he's pretty crazy two i was only two hours yeah i mean it felt as a kid it felt like it was just literally on of course but two

hours that's that feels like fucking forever as a kid yeah yeah i remember like you know driving from mirabar to melbourne was sort of around about two hours and as a kid it's like that's like going overseas yeah that's a fucking massive trick imagine us imagine us living in a different era and uh hey hey it's saturday having the warm-up done by ben lomas just two hours every saturday night um getting the call from him sunday morning daryl was really on one last night. I was riffing with the puppet. That's great.

Oh, man. A world where our friend is the warm-up for Hey Saturday is great. Lomas just trying to fill time in the ad breaks riffing with Pluck a Duck and he's just getting nothing from him. I'm trying to get him to talk. Damn. What's your favorite coffee order, Plucker? That's great. Man, sometimes you think, oh, man, I wish I'd have done comedy earlier because, you

know, I would have got in earlier. There was less competition and I could have got in and done this and whatever. And then you think, man, I'm in the wrong age because I could have been in a time where my friend was the warm-up. Yeah, exactly. We don't want to go back and do comedy then. We just want to send our friend back in time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be great. Well, thanks, Jack Shepardson, for inspiring all that. Kill Hitler or put Ben Lomas in as the warm-up guy of Hayes. Thank you, Jack Shepardson, for being the son of the son of the son of the son of the son of someone who was the son of a shepherd. Yep. Because that's where you got your name, Jack. Yep.

Thanks, Jackie Boy. Thank you. All right. So we have to record next week's episode right now. So let's just do one more. Yep. Last one for this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Oh, we've got another squeaky wheel. Oh, okay. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Let's see if I another squeaky wheel. Oh, okay. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Let's see if I'm pronouncing this properly. Mr. Comedy. Oh. Yeah.

So this is a text. Is this a text as well? This is a text request as well. When does this one go back to? This goes back to, let's see. The 6th of September. That's right. If that's what that month is

yes that's right yeah thank you well depending on where you are if you're in another part of the world

yes it's the I guess 9th of June 9th of June yeah so let's say that yeah

so oh yeah it's funny because I'm going back through the text I'm scrolling back through the text there's one on the 9th of June

2013 saying suck my dick oh yeah and my reply being where do you live and then I better not read it of the text. There's one on the 9th of June 2013 saying, suck my dick. Oh, yeah. And my reply being, where do you live? And then, I better not read out the address, them giving the address and me saying, I'll go straight over. And then the next day, them saying, that was great when you came over and sucked my dick. Yeah, right.

And me saying, yes, I really enjoyed it. And you saying, good thing I shaved, hey. Yeah. Anyway, just a lot of that sort of back and forth going over the next couple of years

so that's cool great to finally put a name to the to the dick I guess yeah yeah great

well thanks Mr Comedy yeah thank you no further questions thanks everyone patreon.com slash little dum dum club get on board get the bonus episodes

they're always a lot of fun support the show thank you for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates