The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 699 - Dave O'Neil & Lehmo

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

This week we're joined by DAVE O'NEIL and LEHMO! Dave's had the honour of catching a private jet to a footy club gig, we workshop some ideas to make the Qantas Lounge even fancier, Tommy's been sent a behind-the-scenes video of Eric Bana PLUS Lehmo's gone viral and we've made our first booking for The Worst of Melbourne Comedy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave O'Neill and Limo. We have our month-long engagement at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival coming up fast. Oh, our residency at the Basement Comedy Club, March 30, April 7, 14 and 21. Some big-name guests locked in already. It's going to be heaps of fun. You can get a season pass, I think, for $80 or only $25 to come and see a live recording. Oh, mamma mia. And then we have the Coastal Moody International Podcast Festival, June 9 until 14. Couple of rooms left.

Don't delay. It will sell out. It's five days of podcasts, parties, stand-up, rubbing shoulders with comedy elite on a secluded little island yeah in the middle of the Australian winter

so pretty good stuff littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to all that stuff get on board we'll see you out there we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb

but until then enjoy this new episode with Dave O'Neill and Lima. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslo. I'm with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day to you, Gerd.

And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Dave O'Neill and Lemo. Hey, Puffs. How many? Yeah, it's the white man show. Yeah. Very happy to be here. For a change.

Yeah, yeah. For a change. Wow. It's about time we had a couple of middle-aged white men. Good collectibles. Collectibles. Not for your diversity that you're always banging on about on this show. Shut up, idiot.

It's not the ABC. Lemo, are you on day release? Is that an ankle bracelet I can see there? I've been to the... You've got the shaved head. What is that? You've got a VB t-shirt on. You look rough.

You look like... And you've got the fucking, you know, convict mo on. Chopper mo. Working at Triple M. Working at Triple M full time. I recently did my ankle. I was jogging around Brunswick Street Oval where they don't fill in the goalpost holes.

Oh my God, I didn't know that. But of course after four months of having the goalposts gone, the grass has grown over the holes. It's like a perfect little booby trap. So I just stepped in one and did my ankle. Elmer Fudd finally got you. Fuck me dead. Pretty good trap style.

The net comes up. Yes. This is a good business idea for the person who is on house arrest. They make the little ankle bracelet, but they make it look like it's a compression thing. They make it look like a... So this is like an ankle brace the physio literally just gave me. Did you break it or anything or no?

Did you fracture it? No, you wouldn't. No, I just did the bloody ligaments. So annoying. And I sent an angry letter to the council. They're good. And then they went back and said, oh, my God, really sorry. You know, they should have been filled in.

And I said, okay, will you pay all my medical bills then? Did you really? Yeah, because they're mounting up, right? You'd be like that woman who sued McDonald's for the coffee being too hot. Yes. Yeah, although a fucking hole in an oval I think is worthy of something. So they wrote back and they said, yes, you are absolutely welcome to make application for us to pay your bills. Please complete the attached form and send it in.

And I just went, I don't want to fill it. Yeah, that's how they get you. Killed you with bureaucracy. Killed me with bureaucracy. I mean, I work on a TV show that makes comedy out of bureaucracy. Here's me, trapped by the bureaucracy. I'd love you. Do one little thing. Write your name here. I'd love you to... Do one little thing. Write your name here.

I love you. You know what? I haven't even looked at the form. I haven't even looked at it. I'd love this to go to court and for you to be like, I have one request. I have to bring my own sketch artist in.

You bring me in. I'm sitting there sketching limo. But also you walking into the council offices with your forms and they're all going, oh, a bit of a skit coming up. Yeah, here we go. What's your character in Utopia?

It's Jim. Jim from Utopia. That's you doing the court sketch artist, and just you drawing his leg at right angles, just hanging off bones, sticking them in his leg. Exaggerating. Crying. Yeah, he did his ankle because he was on roller skates.

His legs are all twisted And spaghetti Nice Yeah Why is his head Five times bigger than his body This is weird The only time I've seen A house arrest ankle bracelet

In the wild I was in Mornington About a year ago Having lunch at the pizza place And there was a guy there With the like Really The house arrest

And I was like I was just looking at it being like man risking it all for a pizza down the shops like you gotta respect it. I would have said long way from Frankston buddy. That's the poorer area near Mornington. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do some crowd work on it. Hey, if you're gonna risk your parole

go to the, you know, travel a bit. Go to the pub. Would the ankle bracelet work if you're looking for a hookup? Like with that sort of, oh, bad boy. There's a certain personality type that would be like, yeah, only ever been with toxic men in his life. Oh, yeah, like serial killers get wives in prison.

To see someone naked on top of you with nothing but an ankle bracelet is sort of hot. Leaving the socks on? Yeah. The house arrest ankle bracelet? Yes. Oh, daddy. Do you reckon you could actually apply and say,

listen, I'm kind of leaning into this personality. I want this to be my look. Can I get like a wrist bracelet? Can I get a bracelet on my wrist instead of on the ankle? I want it to be a bit more noticeable. I actually want people to know about it. Like one of those ones they give out at cold play or can i get a swift yeah can i get a can i get a necklace yeah can i get a necklace can i get a helmet yeah yeah

oh what did you go away for i was jogging around the brunswick oval i hadn't filled in the goalposts do they still do it like you know I would have thought technology. They can chip a dog. Can't they just chip you? They microchip you? Just bolt through the ear? Yeah, they probably should. With criminals?

Yeah. That's a movie, isn't it? Yeah, movies they do. Where they're all microchipped. Yeah, there's plenty of movies they do. Yes, that is a movie. Lots of things happen in movies. And it's where if they get to a certain point, they explode or something?

Yeah. No, but that's... If they're trying to escape, they blow up. That's taking your trolley to a certain point, they explode or something? No, but that's a lot of stuff. No, that's taking your trolley too far in the car park. That's road running. Stop working. That's the road running. I'm talking about real life. You could do that.

Why couldn't you just do that? Pop a market chip in. Because it's an invasion of personal. What's putting a thing around your ankle then? Exactly. There's certain people who'd be like, well, you know what? All I have to do is just sit around the house. I did lockdown.

That's fine. I'll commit this crime. Doesn't matter. But if part of it was, no, we're driving a bolt through your ear, then you're microchipped forever. You might think twice about it. You might be like, that sounds painful.

Maybe I won't steal this bag of peas from the supermarket. What if instead of an ankle bracelet, it was a bolt through the ear, it was a full, like one of those head cages that you see sometimes that people have major facial surgery. Oh, yeah. You've got to wear one of those. Yeah.

I reckon it's easier. It's just a T-shirt. T-shirt. I'm a rapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Kitty Fiddler. Yeah.

I don't know. We'll have served my time on this date. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, we've joked about it on the show before, but I really don't think it's all that humane to just bring back the – I always get the name of it wrong – the gallows. They're just like the stockade thing. They're just like people in the town square.

Here's everyone who did things that are a little bit naughty. You turn up, you throw some tomatoes at them. A bit of public humiliation on a Thursday afternoon, and then they get on with their lives. Right, okay. at them. A bit of public humiliation on a Thursday afternoon and then they get on with their lives. So you would trust people in today's world to just throw tomatoes. Obviously they've got to be screened on the way in.

Put your tomatoes through the x-ray machine before you throw them at someone's head, please. Woolworths can sponsor it. They're giving you the tomatoes. Someone who's getting pelted in the face was like that tasted delicious, even being completely raw and unseasoned. It's like the airport. I'm always fascinated by that.

When you go through the x-ray machine, and you can't bring a bottle of water through there, but once you get through the x-ray machine, everything in there is up for grabs. Everything's been checked. Every bit of, every bottled water, every muffin, everything's been rigid from there on in. Yeah, it's all been scanned on the way in.

So maybe that's where you can do the stockade thing, inside the international part of the airport. Oh, that's a good... Yeah, you've got a couple of hours to kill before you fly. Just go and absolutely pelt some kiddie fiddler. In the old days, they had that deck where you watched the planes take it off. You could just have the stockade out there.

There are some people that don't even want to go anywhere, but they just buy a flight to Abu Dhabi just so they can throw a tomato. Well no one's going to miss a flight again because they run late. It's like,

no I'm getting to the airport three hours early. I want to get in my good public humiliation time. And would you have in say, in the Qantas

first class lounge, would you have a higher class of criminal? Oh no, I thought you said a higher class of food to throw at cunts. That's what I was thinking. And a higher class of criminal? Oh, no, I thought you said a higher class of food to throw at cunts. That's what I was thinking. And a higher class of food.

The Jets there, they're throwing frozen lasagna at people, but the people in business class at Qantas, it's like, fucking, this is really nice quiche and stuff. They're splashing foie gras. What's that, faux gois? Yeah, the business lounge is like a... Throw a roast duck in this guy's face. Yeah, you'd have like Glenn Wheatley and Alan Bond,

those white-collar criminals. Yeah, it's like a dunk tank in the Qantas first class. You get to throw a little ball and then they're just plummeting into a big bucket of cum. Have you ever been in the captain's... I've only been there once. Which one? The captain's, the first class lounge.

The chairman's lounge? That's the one I've... Yeah, because there's a normal Qantas club. I've never been in the chairman's lounge. So there's the normal one, and then there's... I've been to the step up. Yeah, there's a posher one. There's normal, there's business class.

Yeah, business class one's super, super sweet. But then there's another one in Sydney called the captain's lounge or something. Are you thinking of the cockpit? You mean the chairman's lounge? Yeah, the chairman's lounge. Chairman's lounge, yeah. We're there once when me, Hughusey and Hannah Gadsby. Right.

How did you get into the Chairman's Lounge? Eddie McGuire saw us in the normal lounge and he said, come through, guys. Eddie McGuire, let's make this clear. Eddie McGuire saw Hannah Gadsby and said, come and hang out with me. This was a long time ago with Husey. So he knew Husey. He kind of knows me. He didn't know, I don't know if you know Hannah Gadsby.

He's seeing Husey, you and Hannah, and he's thinking, wow, Husey and two Hannah Gadsby's. Let's be supportive of the lesbians. And he said, come through. I love how you made an internet about me. That was cool. That was a great show. Anyway, we're sitting in chairs and they bring out hot, they have hot chips and stuff. They have a proper chef there. Because in the normal podcast club. I mean at the captain's club, and they have hot chips and stuff. They have a proper chef there.

Because in the normal players club... I mean at the captain's club, they've got hot chips. Same thing of like, nah, this is the fanciest one you can get. I've only been in there once thanks to Eddie Maguire and they brought me hot chips. You know the same thing that you can get at the MCG at halftime? They had that in a room. You know the thing that's in most bins?

But they fry them in front of you. It makes all the difference. I was impressed. Let's make this clear. Dave, when you're trying to paint something, it's the fanciest place of all time and it's got hot chips. Hey, hey, hey. They're French fries.

Free hot chips. Oh, they're French. Oh, sorry. Sorry. They're European chips. Unlike the Qantas Club where Oh, sorry. Sorry. They're European chips. Unlike the Quintus Club where you've got to make a toasted sandwich by yourself. Claire Roberts made one one day. An old Italian woman stood next to him and said,

Thank you, and just removed her. Please work there. Imagine her saying to her son, That man over there made me a toasted sandwich. Russell Coy's making toasted sandwiches. Thank you. That's what you should get at the Captain's Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A celeb. A celeb. It's like McHappy Day. Yeah. Well, that's why we bring the two ideas together. Celebs that have played up. There's tax evasion or whatever. They're chained up.

They're making little toasties for you. Right. You've got Vince Colosimo in there making dim sims for you. Vince Colosimo. So what else is going on in there? So we're sitting in the Coronwanis Club on chairs like these, like lounge sort of chairs. Again, in chairs like this?

Well, no, a bit better than these chairs. And Eddie McGuire's sort of holding court, and this flash goes off. I'm like, what was that? He keeps talking. I don't even know if he even noticed it. He keeps talking. I go to Hannah, what was that?

And she got the phone, like near her legs. She goes, I was taking a photo for my brother. He loves Eddie McGuire. What did you just ask him? It's so weird. So Hannah Gay's the upskirt of Eddie McGuire. Yeah. Okay.

Interesting. Interesting. All right. The next one's... CC Daily Mail. I took my fiancee into the virgin lounge once and she'd never been in there and they had these like corn chips

and she was like, oh my God, these are, I don't know what they, things in here really are a cut above. I don't know what their recipe is. They must make them fresh or whatever, but these are the best corn chips I've ever eaten. And then I go to get more and I look out the back and I just see a guy emptying like actual,

like home brand black and gold. Just the most bottom rung 99 cents for a bag of corn chips. I was like, you just, I just don't think, I just think you haven't had corn chips in a while. Salt's really yummy. That's what the secret is. Can I tell you what the difference is with the food in the Corners Club? Please.

In both Corners Clubs? Yeah. It's free. Yeah. Which makes it, all of it delicious. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Feel good.

Hey, it's probably not wise to have a beer at 11am, but I'm in here. Yeah, you're here. It costs nothing. I may as well. No, beers start at midday. There's a sign. Oh, really? Yeah.

Especially in Perth and places like that. It is midday. There's always a lot of high beers in the club. Unless you're in the international. Ah, okay. There we go. 24-7. Yeah, beers 24- international. Ah, okay. There we go. Beer's 24-7.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Well, I'm old enough to remember we used to get the bus to Sydney, you know, from Melbourne. We couldn't afford the... Planes were expensive. Do you ever get the bus from Atlanta? Now I'm starting to realise why you were impressed by hot chips. Yeah, I used to get the bus and we'd stop at Aubrey at the Schnitzel house on the way. Yeah, okay.

We'd get one in the morning at the Vienna Schnitzel World. schnitzel house on the way yeah about one in the morning the vienna schnitzel world i was when i bought my first my own plane ticket for the first time i was uh 25 yeah yeah i didn't get i didn't get on an international flight until i was 27 and that was what that was an international flight for me when i was around the world around them? They used to be a big saver, the round the world. Yes. By the way, they still exist.

My parents were looking into doing this. Around the world. That's up there with the mystery flight. Yeah. Hey, I've got a flying hack for you if you want.

Hang on. Someone told me this. Go on. Well, the cost of airline travel is ridiculous at the moment. And a mate of mine said to me, if you want to travel business class, right,

because it's just completely unaffordable. It's like eight grand to go to Adelaide. It's a joke, right? Particularly if you want to go to Europe. It's like you've got to mortgage your house. He said, fly out of somewhere in Southeast Asia, say Manila, for example, and book your flight from Manila to Europe,

return business class, and it costs fuck all. And then just fly, get a cheap flight from manila to europe return business class and it costs fuck all and then just fly and get a cheap flight from australia to manila really yes and i looked it up and he's 100 correct yeah right yeah you can fly from manila to like london for three thousand dollars return business class so what you're recommending to me is i should go to southeast asia yeah okay i'll just make a note of this. I'll make a note of this. I'm sure it works from Bangkok as well. Right.

Okay. All right. I just love the idea of like you're then, you're on this like shit jet star flight to Manila that leaves at 6am. You're sitting next to the toilets and you're like, you're in your little tuxedo. You're like, I'm just on my way to get business class.

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's like, you've got to go to Manila. That's eight or nine hours. Yeah, it's about eight hours. It's an extended lounge. Yeah.

You know. But that's good because then you've experienced the worst of it and then that business class flight is going to hit even better. Just limo in the smoking jacket in a middle seat. I love it. Where's Eddie McGuire? Is he on this flight? I got a private jet the other day, as you know, because I was telling you about it. Where's Eddie McGuire? Is he on this flight? I got a private jet the other day, as you know,

because I was telling you about it. Yeah, we went to Albury on a private jet. PJ. That's where the story goes downhill. Albury on a private jet. I love it. First class to a third class place. What if people turn on you the way they turn on Taylor Swift?

Oh, yeah, for getting on the private jet. Did you take the private jet from Albury to Wodonga as well? No. We went home via Avalon because we had to drop off

Paddy Dangerfield who was a Geelong player. We had to drop off in Avalon where we landed and there's no one at Avalon of course because there's an airport

near Geelong and some guy in high views just comes out and whines out the window and yells at the pilot you ride for fuel mate? And he just goes yeah mate! And then Paddy Dangerfield just gets off and whines out the window and yells at the pilot you ride for fuel mate? And he just goes yeah mate!

And then Penny Danger just gets off and walks off. Then it took eight minutes from Avalon to Essendon Airport. Such a Dave O'Neill story.

Again it's like the chips in the chairman's lounge. It's like flew a PJ to Avalon. Yeah to Avalon. Oh my god. All the way to Avalon.

From all the way to Avalon. I flew a private jet to Geelong, Australia's Epstein Island. Yeah, yeah. Dave's version of the Chiquito Express. When we landed in Aubrey, because it's a big footy club, they've always got some guy who's a patron and owns a jet. And you know the guy guy I'm talking about Shooter

he used to play for he's an older guy and I get in the car and his opening words were you gonna be fucking funny cunt and then he ran

through all the comedians he had it's so good like the only country in the world where you can have a private jet and say those words

yes exactly without immediately getting off it and he had a list of comedians he's had over the past 20 years and then rated them to me. Oh, fantastic. He was fucked, put him back on the train.

He died like a pig, fuck him. Put him on the train. PJ out, and then if you bomb, train home. Train home. And then he said, Limo? Yeah, good, he was good. He liked you. Okay, all right.

I was there last year. I heard the uncensored version of this conversation. I got told who the people got put on the train. I didn't

tell you when I did the gig. The gig didn't go that well for me. It was

early and people were walking in. As I got off the stage I walked over and he was

pretending we were on the phone. He was like this. Yeah, Lima,

he was fucked. How quick can you make it? He looks at me and were on the phone. He's like this. Yeah, Lima, he was fucked. How quick can you make it? And then he looks at me and goes, gotcha. I'm like, yeah, good one. Nice.

Good one, champ. Well, this taps into something I've been thinking about for a couple of years that I just really would love to make happen for us, our next scheme. Private plane? Private planes, because I found a website a while ago where you can hire planes that have gone one way and then they need to get back to refuel and you

get them for cheaper because it's like well we need to go back to Melbourne. Do you even charter a plane? You just get all these routes that are like very specific and you get them at a fraction of what but you do the maths and it's like if you filled this up it's like for example you're getting like from Melbourne to Hobart for like, let's say $300 each, which is like more than

a flight would regularly cost you. But you're getting a PJ. I know someone who regularly does this. Really? Yes. Can't say his name on the radio? I probably can't. I probably shouldn't say his name.

Maybe it doesn't matter, but I probably shouldn't say his name. But him and his partner do it all the time. Gleeson. Anyway, whatever. No, I don't know. Are they a comedian? Are they a comedian? No, singer.

Singer. Okay. Singer. But they do it all the time. Well, who's that guy that plays the trumpet? James. James Morrison. He got his pilot license.

What they're doing into a trumpet is not singing, Dave, just so you know. Yeah, I know. It's just blowing. You clearly haven't seen James Morrison lately. But he flies the gigs. He flies his light plane. Not a jet. He's just got like a Cessna or something.

I guess Little will do that soon, will he? He'll be able to fly himself. Yeah. By the way, I love you not wanting to blow up this guy's spot. Heaven forbid that people know that this famous singer sometimes catches a private jet. Yeah, yeah. I know he probably wouldn't care.

He was telling me and Kel about it. He was saying, you've got to get onto it. It's awesome. Really? Yeah. Is he very big, like Jimmy Barnes big? No. I do love that idea.

You've got to get onto these private jet things. It's like, yeah, mate, we're aware of them. Just not all of us can fucking afford it. But it's not that expensive. Yeah, I want to do. I haven't verified whether this is true, but I would assume it is. The world's first PJ pod. We do a live show on a private jet.

Great idea. We sell the seats to listeners. We get up there as we take it off. Just do a short, just do like a Melbourne to Hobart. That's enough time to bang out an episode up in the air. Then the flight goes missing. The episode comes out via the black box. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Last ever exactly. Exactly. Last ever episode. I think this is a good idea. Let us know if you would buy it to get to a private... The end of the episode is just all of us blowing into those little whistles. Just your luck you'll get like a Malaysian's airline pilot who wants to end it all. Forget Costa Mui, the Malaysian Airlines Podcast Festival. Why are we going the wrong way?

Why are we heading towards Antarctica? Yeah, thank you to Patreon subscriber Babuda Comedy okay that's a good last time I've been on a project before with Hughie

to do a gig in Griffith for like rich guys stock agents and then the guy paid me in cash and I had to stand on the

it's an airport tarmac that's every gig for you Dave O'Neill by the way with this brown paper bag paying Hughie I said this is not the first time this has happened a light plane from Griffith has landed and Hughie Every gig for you, Dozo Neal, by the way. With this brown paper bag paying Hughsey. I said, this is not the first time this has happened.

A light plane from Griffiths has landed. And Hughsey on that plane goes, I'm going to talk to the captain. I want to speak to the captain. So he wanted to go in the cockpit and I looked at,

it was 9-11, that was the date. I said, not a great time, Hughsey. Hey guys, you know what date is? A la pa. A la pa.

Shut up, O'Neill. We're going to the Rialto. The West makes me so angry. Open up the cockpit door. They're all dead. Fuck Dan Andrews. That's not bad. Fly to Dan Andrews' house.

Summer Bin Husey. Yeah, that's all right. Is that Parliament? That'll do. That's Treasury Husey. That'll do.. Yeah, that's all right. Is that Parliament? That'll do. That's Treasury huesy. That'll do. That's something we can all enjoy. But look, let us know.

That's a great idea. If you'd be into coming on a PJ pot. Someone told me about this website. Yeah. That'd be great. Yeah, yeah. You don't go through customs or anything? You just walk up.

Hey, T.O.K., what about this? So if Taylor Swift landed in Melbourne last week, which she did, but if she got off the plane and had forgotten her passport, would they have still let her into the country or would they have gone, no, I don't care who you are,

we've got rules and you need your passport. Hey, look, you just made it to the Super Bowl and back. We know you can be speedy on this thing. Go back to your house, get your passport. They'd fax it. Okay, how far would it go? What if her mum had forgotten her passport? Would they just let their mum in?

Good question. If Taylor was going, kicking up a stink. Well, also, you could ratchet it down and you go, okay, well, she's probably the most famous person in the world. If she forgets the passport, they're letting her in. Who's the next? How far down do you get before it's like, they definitely would let me in? That's a brutal conversation How far down do you get before it's like they definitely

That's a brutal conversation because then to have to say to Taylor Swift's wife listen we had to do this for Johnny Depp's dog so we have to do it for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah. So like when Blink-182 landed last week do they get turned away? They were here too.

Yeah, I mean they get turned away. One of them that's with a Kardashian probably not. Pink? Pink? Nah, she wouldn't get turned away. Pink got them that's with a Kardashian, probably not. Pink? Pink? Nah, she wouldn't get turned away.

Pink got turned away from a restaurant in Sydney. That's true. That's true. She booked in advance, paid a deposit, turned up, and they said, have you got ID? And she said, no. And they said, well, that's our policy. You need ID, you can't come in.

Oh, it's one of those ones where they take your photo like in Perth. And a whole bunch of people in the restaurant were going, that's fucking Pink, what are you doing? And they went, we've got our rules. What a pack of tools. Hey, I'll prove it's me. Get a trapeze out. I'll fucking start swinging around up there.

That's annoying. At a very small level, I was doing a gig in Pactum at a pub with Oxy, and they charged him $4 for a sparkling water. Now that's $4 for a sparkling water. Very outraged. I am outraged. Smiley's Brewery in Pactum. I'm like fuck that

if I was there I don't know if I was there at that stage fuck that you know what Dave O'Neill you've got so much money and it is fucking wasted

on you listen to your stories it's so wasted on you you should give all your money away $4 you don't need any of it then he got a beer that was $8

you're the king of simple pleasures you don't need any of that fucking money I he got a beer that was $8. You're the king of simple pleasures. You don't need any of that fucking money. I am. I haven't got simple pleasures. You're right. Where's your contribution to that person who got killed at the Super Bowl parade? Why don't you chip in 100 grand? I should put some money in, sure.

But the pilot of this private jet said that with Taylor Swift, the customs guy, I said, do they have to go through customs and that? He said they come onto the plane. They come on the plane. Oh, right. Yeah, okay. So is that true that they have their own customs bit? Yes.

That's why you never see them. You won't see them. You're not behind Taylor Swift in line to go through customs. She's not queuing up like the rest of us. No, no, they have their own. She's not like putting the starfish arms and legs out in the air to get scanned. With the glasses in her hand. Yeah, yeah.

They have their own bit, apparently. I'm so into all this stuff. I had no interest in going to those shows, but the logistics of how these things work, that's the thing that I'm like, I would love to be backstage in the institution to just kind of like see like, what's she doing during the day? Where are they transporting all the stuff to now?

How's it all come together? Yeah, how's it all work? It has been wild. Well, you know, things like, I mean, I wasn't at the concert, but apparently she had a few massive screens

around the place. Well, she needs two of each of those because they've got to be setting up Sydney while she's doing Melbourne. She brings them from America, though.

Yeah, my daughter's at Wendt and she's a big Swifty and she knows all the details. So let's get her on the line. Is your daughter Nick Cody? My daughter has been monitoring who she said, why did Nick Cody go to the concert, Dad? Great question that we're all asking.

She goes, I don't think he's a Swifty. I'm like, no, of course he's not. So also Pang went, Nick Malloy. So she's not happy that people are going that aren't real fans. Hey, people wanted to be there and soak up the spectacle. Yeah, but there's a 15-year-old that wanted to go. Yeah, that's true. He's a convert.

A friend of mine works at Frontier Touring. I saw him a couple of months ago now. I said, how's Taylor Swift shaping up? And he goes, he's quite senior at Frontier. And he goes, I've never received so many fucking text messages from people in my life. And he said, they're all the same. They all go.

My daughter? No, my daughter. No, no, no. No, they don't. They start with. My son-in-law, Nick Cody. Hey. He goes, they all go.

You'll be on commercial radio and your wife's parents are going to give you the tickets. They'll go, hey mate, how are you? Hey, it's been ages.

Nice. We've got to catch up soon. How's such and such going? Sending the request and the last exchange is them asking you for something that you've ghosted?

So it's a little hello. It's been too long. How have you been? How long do they wait? And then in the same text, they'll say, hey, I know it's a big ask and no worries if you can't, but hey, just wondering, have you got access to any Taylor Swift tickets? And he said they all end with the same line, happy to pay.

Yep. Oh, are you happy to pay? That's really sweet of you. Nice of you to offer money to the business that I run, where we sell tickets. To the biggest concert tickets Australia's ever seen. It's nice of you to offer to pay for them. Happy to pay. He said he received

like he couldn't even count them but people who he hadn't fucking heard of in 12 years sending him text messages my daughter got

tickets on her old iPhone actually at 6pm that night they were looking so we had 8 devices going at home and she turned on

her old iPhone and got them on that which is bizarre and then the next day I had to buy Devo tickets and she's like dad will that be similar to Taylor Swift I said yeah got them on that, which is bizarre. And then the next day, I had to buy Devo tickets. And she's like, Dad, will that be similar to Taylor Swift?

I said, yeah, it'll just be 55-year-old folks. You won't see Cody there dressed up. With a flower pot on his head. Whip me, whip it good. Just to tell you, what did Cody's T-shirt say? It's me. I'm the husband. Hi, it's me. I'm the husband.

Yeah, that's the Taylor Swift lyric. Husband is a new. It's me. I'm the husband. Hi, it's me. I'm the husband. Yeah, that's the Taylor Swift lyric. Oh, is it? It's me. Hi, I'm the problem. I'm the problem. I hear them all the time at home. Oh, is this going to be the next cover that Capo Bust out? That is a Taylor Swift lyric?

Yeah, yeah, but the husband's not in there. He's just put that in there. I was in JB Hi-Fi yesterday and there was a woman in there talking to two people who came in. And what I could gather from the conversation was that the lady had been, like, working on the shows in some capacity. I think maybe doing, like, hair or makeup or something because her friends had come in and they'd seen her and they're like, oh, how was the weekend? And she was like, unbelievable, so incredible. Like, was, you know, all the crew was so great. It was so interesting to see all the, you know, the show,

like all the mechanics of it and how like clockwork it runs. And I made good friends with her head of wardrobe and all this stuff. And they're like, oh, great. And she's like, anyway, I'll talk to you later. I better get back to work. And then just goes behind the counter at JB Hi-Fi. She's just like had this weekend of working on this biggest concert Melbourne's ever seen.

I've met her. Monday morning clocking on for a shift at JB Hi-Fi. Yeah, yeah ever seen. I've met her! Monday morning, clocking on for a shift at JB Hi-Fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've met that woman before. Oh, really? Yeah, she's a friend of a friend, because she works at JB Hi-Fi, and she does wardrobe. Right. Yeah, yeah, because she told me when she had to iron Michael Bublé's shirt.

Right. And she told you this when you were at Barclays Square, JB Hi-Fi buying Samurai Pizza Cats on DVD? Yes! Yes. Absolutely. That's so funny. Yeah, okay. Wow.

Melbourne Institution, the wardrobe lady who works at JB Hi-Fi. JB Hi-Fi. Everyone knows her. Everyone's got a story about her. That's bizarre. Yeah. There you go. Because occasionally she gets one of the mums of schools to help her, and so she had to go, I wonder if she had to help with Taylor Swift,

because there's a lot of wardrobe with Taylor Swift, I believe. I mean, working in that, like doing that as a side job like your main job and JB as your side job or whatever it is, it's like it is the perfect set up. It's like just all this week anyone comes in, they're buying a Taylor CD, you know she's ready to go she's like, actually funny story

about Taylor Swift. Yeah what a great claim that you know, that you do that, you do the wardrobe. She was ironing Nick Cody's t-shirt for him before the concert. Wow, it's hard to iron something that bedazzled, isn't it? Well, isn't it always disturbing that we see someone famous in a normal job? You know, like the time I saw, what's his name, Damien Monkhouse, he's a plumber. The monkey, Collingwood Rucker.

Collingwood Rucker, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and he was doing plumbing work. Imagine bumping into Bruce Samazan if he was your real estate agent. That'd be weird. Ackermanis. This is like back in the day, people would have gone to McHappy Day and been served by Dave O'Neill. I've done McHappy Day.

Don't worry. That was depressing because I was on Nova, and so hugely got St Kilda, Kate Lemmer got the CBD, and I got Deer Park, which is in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, western suburb. And the guy would maybe actually work. So I had to do the drive-through, and two people came through and looked at me and said, oh, are you working here now, mate?

Yeah, yeah. I said, no, it's McHappy Day. Yeah, I did McHappy Day. It's depressing. No one knows you. I did it once in Day it's depressing no one knows you I did it once in Adelaide no one knows you I'll tell you who would know you there

the staff yeah can you sign my takeaway DVD before you go yeah well the staff would just be like hang on is McHappy Day

now we just employ our biggest customers yeah what was that thing someone put the other day on Facebook The staff would just be like, hang on, is McAfee now we just employ our biggest customers? Yeah, our biggest fans. What was that thing someone put the other day on Facebook about some post that they saw online about someone who'd been trying to, like, the old DVDs are full frontal, are like really rare and like a collector's item. And there was some guy who'd like found a copy for like $2 in an op shop

and he's like, oh, I've taken St. Vinny's for a ride. They have no idea that this one goes for like $2 in an op shop, and he's like, oh, I've taken St Vinny's for a ride. They have no idea that this one goes for like $400 on eBay. It's like a... Yeah, Tony Martin forwarded it to me. Yeah. Are they really? They're collector's items now. Yeah, season four of Full Frontal on DVD

is a real item. Apparently. Did you work on season four? No, I worked on every season of Full Frontal. On every season. Started first season. I almost worked on Fast Forward, but then they merged into Full Frontal. On every season. Started the first season. I almost worked on Fast Forward, but then they merged into Full Frontal.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, right. Mary and Eric Banner. I used to write for him. I don't know whatever happened to him. Eric Banner. Hey, I'll tell you. Did you write his gear on the dry?

It was pretty funny stuff. No. I got an email from a listener of the show who works on a podcast, and they had Eric Banner on, and she sent me a listener of the show who works on a podcast and they had Eric Banner on and she sent me a clip of them. What? They filmed the show and she sent me a clip of like just before they start recording, she gets in there and she goes,

hey, I just want to say before we begin the interview, I listen to this podcast called The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Oh, what? And they regularly have your friend Dave O'Neill on and he tells this story about how he tried to, like, talk you out of doing Chopper. And Eric goes, yeah, yep. Imagine if I listened to that.

I'd still be doing fucking stand-up. Hilarious. And then she's, like, asking him about Ostentatious. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I about Ostentatious And he's like Yeah yeah I remember Ostentatious What? Why did you try and talk him Out of doing Chopper?

Oh we were doing I remember where we were We were in Sydney And we were in the We were doing a gig In the basement It was like a I think it's still there

It's like a band venue Where they have comedy occasionally Oh yeah He got all these He got all these He was showing me these photos God I don't I don't know

He showed me these photos Of him dressed up as Chopper. They were doing a test. And he goes, I'm going to do this movie. I've met this director. And I'm going to do this movie based on Chopper Reed. Have you heard of Chopper Reed? And I'd read some of his books. I'd go, oh, yeah, that fucking idiot.

Why would you want to do a movie based on him? He's like, oh, really? I went, yeah, I don't know. I think that show, Something to Hear, you're doing on the ABC is pretty good. Let me watch your movie. I work on full frontal. You can be a gay flight attendant. That was fast forward.

You can sell a Fakari rug. That's what you'll be a collector's item one day. Mark my words. I just thought the idea of doing a movie based on Chopper, who was known in Melbourne, but not that known. You know what I mean? Underground figure.

I mean, literally. Big underground figure so I just thought it was a bizarre choice but obviously he made the right choice. Turns out it was a pretty good choice.

I just love this person sending this to me and being like yeah check this out and I was like this is cool and very funny and she's like sent me the video I'll ask if we can

post it. I was like this is cool and very funny but hey you know what would be even cooler? Ask him to come on the show with Dave. That's not really

her gig. Well I know is it a big podcast what is it I can't remember what it was it was something that he was just doing a junket thing for

for the for the dry so was he in a hotel room or something like that it was in a studio yeah right yeah but is he

is he funny anymore I mean in the way he's a serious actor now no he's a serious actor does he even does he even try and be conversationally funny anymore? I mean, in the way he's a serious actor now. No, he's a serious actor. Does he even try and be conversationally funny anymore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have dinner about once a year with all the guys that worked on his TV show,

The Eric Show, which is a sketch show. And, yeah, he's funny. He's funny, Eric. I mean, when he does, when he imitates, there's no one funny when he does his, you know, uncles and all that. He's very funny. And he's a very good mimic too. He was a good stand-up.

Yeah. But he just, you know, he just obviously became an actor. But yeah, he doesn't want to really, I don't think he, yeah, he doesn't want to do comedy roles. If he comes on here and he's not going to get involved with the riff about being in the corners club and dunking a pedophile into a bucket of cum. Then he is not welcome. Exactly. We don't want him. Exactly.

Go back to fucking Star Trek, you know. Do Peter, do Porter or fuck off. What up? Or fuck off. Segwaying into other great comedy names, you know my son did a thing on InstaReels which lit up, right? It's had 1.9 million views. So what's the context of it

is that well we're talking about Eric Banner not doing comedy anymore yes no I know that bit I'm talking about what's on the reel

oh what's on the reel is my son my son telling a joke on a comedy cruise right oh yeah yeah so you're doing the gig on a comedy cruise

you get your son up I get my son up yeah his son got booked without him yeah he actually it was during a your son up. I get my son up. His son got booked without him. He actually it was during a Your son a cruise dog.

It was during a gong show. It was during a gong show. And they fit it where passengers get up and tell jokes. They were adding up the scores from the judges and the MC

came over and said hey while we're adding up the scores someone would just jump up and tell a joke to the crowd. There's about 500 people there and so he gets up

and tells a joke. Kills right? What joke? It's a fucking old joke. It's like 500 people there and so he gets them until his joke kills, right? What joke? It's a fucking old joke. It's like... I don't think he was doing original material. What's it like?

Hey, what's it like when you start prep, yeah? You've got a banana in your bag for the whole week. My dad is such a fuckwit. Lunch orders. That's funny because your son...

My dad always drops me in school because he's in the same class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic. My 20-year-old said the other day, when I was trying to tell him, he goes, yeah, I'm getting advice from a clown. I said, mate, clowns are good, all right?

You're a good clown. You're very talented. Don't fucking knock clowns. How dare you? It was my kid's first day at school the other week, like a week ago. Really? Yeah. And so she came in.

She got sat on a table where all the names were on all the seats and whatever. Cool. And so she's all a bit antsy about it or whatever. And I come in. She sits next to some people she's never sat next to before. They've got like a container with all the pens and everything in the middle of the table. I sat her down and she sits there and I just said to the kid next to her, now this is...

Blanket. Blanket. Now just make sure she doesn't eat all the glue here. And they all started laughing. And then like... So then the next day... Such a Simpsons reference. We go back next day and every day now little Blanket comes and goes,

Daddy, do the glue bit again. Oh my God. Yeah, okay. do the glue bit again oh my god yeah okay do the glue bit pretty good some good shit has anyone recognised you in the teachers

or the parents going hey mate no you know what I've been talking about music and all that sort of stuff no no no because you know

whilst some of the big hot shots were at Taylor Swift in their bedazzled outfits and whatever. I was at the Coalface. I went to three different Queens of the Stone Age concerts over the last week.

And when I walk in, I was like, wow, there are a lot of 45 to 55-year-old men here. A lot of white and grey hair in this joint. And a lot of crossover fans of our podcast. Completely our demo as well. So a lot of heymates, a lot of crossover fans of our podcast. Yeah. Completely our demo as well. So a lot of hey mates, a lot of all that sort of stuff. Yeah, right. And a bunch of multiple people

coming up and going, love the pod, here's some drugs. Wow. Oh, really? Cool. Yeah. Not too bad.

Oh, that's our demo. So what was the joke? So the joke was a guy goes around to this family's house for dinner and he does a silent fart and it really stinks but the owner of the house blames the dog under the table

and says, hey, get out from under the table to the dog, right? Yeah. And then the guy thinks perfectly they're going to blame the dog so he does another silent fart and the owner of the house goes, the dog, get out from under the table and the dog stays there and then he does a third silent fart and the owner of the house says, get out from under the table before Brian shits his pants. Which is the guy sitting there.

It's just funny hearing a seven-year-old say shits his pants. Anyway, I put it on my Instagram. Yep. And it's blown up. It's had 1.9 million views. So it wasn't the dog after all, then? No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't.

Yeah, get that joke? No, no, it was never the dog. It was Brian. It was never the dog. It was always Brian. So the kids got that wrong then? Is that why? No, he got never the joke. It was Brian. It was always Brian. So the kids got that wrong then. Is that why? No, he got the joke right.

So Sharon Stone commented on it. Thank you for ploughing on me. Sharon Stone? Sharon Stone commented on it. Yeah. Right. Anyway, yesterday, John Stamos liked it. What?

Yeah. What did Sharon Stone say? Sharon Stone said, how adorable. Love it, love it, love it. Hands, hands, hands. Yep. When's Balky from Perfect Stranger's going to chime in? You know, it's a real... What's David Hasselhoff got to say about it?

It's a real early 90s pop culture fucking bonanza. And are you going to move your kid over into that TikTok house in LA where all the influencers live together? You know what I am going to do though? I'm going to take him down to into that TikTok house in LA where all the influencers live together? You know what I am going to do, though? I'm going to take him down to the Comics Lounge to do a spot because their youngest ever performer is eight,

which is Doug Chappell's son. He did a spot when he was eight. So I think for his seven, I'm going to get him to do a spot. Oh, you're going to break the record. Just so he's the youngest. Yeah, nice. And holds the record at the lounge. I mean, kids being famous when they're young

always works out well. Exactly. Especially when the parents have pushed them into it. I want to keep pushing him. The demure dockage of comedy. He'll be like the different strokes kid. There'll just be mug shots of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want to see what I can milk out of him robbing a security guard what did they do yeah but are you thinking about that follow up clip I mean yeah 1.9 that's huge

you know what a lot of people don't you know the difficult second reel syndrome yeah yeah a lot of people were messaging going oh I can't wait

for the next joke wonder what's going to be so there was a part of me when I was caught up in the fever of all the fucking views going through the roof I was like oh fuck I can't wait for the next joke. I wonder what's going to be there. So there was a part of me when I was caught up in the fever of all the fucking views going through the roof. I was like, oh, fuck, I've got to do another one. And I spoke to Hughsy, which was a great sobering moment.

And Hughsy's like, don't be a fucking idiot. You look like a fuckwit. If you put up another, you just look like a fucking loser. I'm like, actually actually it's a good point Hughie's often got good advice his advice was excellent well you know when I had that

he knows how not to look like a fuckwee online so I'd really listen to him who was I fighting with during the pandemic that basketballer what's his name Andrew Bogan

Andrew Bogan Hughie was obviously monitoring my fight because he rang me up do not get in a fight with Andrew Bogan. You will not win. That's because you're sharing the same beliefs as Andrew Bogan. Exactly.

Locked hands are bad. Locked hands are bad. Yeah, no, that is good advice. Like, that would be – You're having to coach him on a second joke. I write for a lot of people. Can I write for your kid? Oh, good idea

But when he does his spot As a seven Down at the lounge I am going to do that Great Yes They need good jokes Some of their jokes are bad

They do Well that joke I did before My dad always drops me to school Because he's in the same class Is one of the jokes That Dougie's son did Oh okay When he was there

Yeah When he did his spot So how long has he got He's stealing material already I'm stealing So how long has he got to do? Are you stealing material already? I'm stealing material. How long has he got to do? You stole material from a seven-year-old. Eight-year-old.

Eight-year-old. How long has he got to do at this spot? How much material does he need? At the last five, it'd be plenty. Yeah, okay. If he could punch out three or four. Well, hey, look, if he's looking to... Does he have to sell tickets afterwards?

Yeah. If he's looking to... Does he have to sell tickets afterwards? Yeah. If he's looking for a... Well, that also happens at those venues. People do the spot and they sell tickets. If he's looking to warm up before this big gig, he could potentially do a spot at the worst of Melbourne comedy. Oh, when's that happening? When is that?

It's Wednesdays during the comedy festival. Every Wednesday. Every Wednesday? It sounds like he's too good for the worst of Melbourne comedy. But who are you putting on that? It's Wednesdays during the comedy festival. Every Wednesday? It sounds like he's too good for the worst of velvet comedy. But who are you putting on that? Yeah, but he's seven. He's seven. You know what?

After he did, you know, the crowd fucking loved him and went nuts, and he had that high, that post-gig high that we all know, right? Some of us do. Yeah, yeah. It was really buzzed. Anyway. That high of being a nepo baby and just basking in the air. Some coke.

And his mum's there. And just all these 160 kilo people on the cruise ship just going, that was the best thing I've ever seen. It's the first thing I've ever seen. I walk him over to his mum and his grandma and I say, will you hang out with mum and grandma now? I'm going to go and have a drink with the comics. And he goes, oh, no, I'll come with you.

Yes. Fantastic. So we go into a bar and he's sitting in the bar. Hell yeah. And it's just a classic post-bitch chat from comedians. And he's trying to chime in about his joke. That six-year-old that was on was a fucking loser. Who else was there?

A bunch of people coming up to him going, where did you get your ideas from? Justin Hamilton, Cat Davidson, Johnny Cat, Mick Meredith. Oh, wow. Yeah. Good crew. It's just like that famous table at the olive tree. Kind of.

Kind of. Yeah. Well, you've got to keep us posted about when this, yeah. So I will. Yeah, I will. I'll get some, let me know. Where's the worst of comedy happening? I've got a lot of gear about being a six-year-old

that doesn't work for me, that I can really offload. You know when you've been sitting on it for years? It is sus that you just write that on spec, I have to say. I was going to say, you know when you poo your pants, but that actually happens to you. Yes, yes, absolutely. You doing your research on my Wi-Fi and looking up things a six-year-old likes,

I've got to say, I'm putting a stop to this. I don't like it. I mean, I really back the jokes, but I've been up there with a giant lollipop and the sailor hat and everything, and it doesn't work for me. I swear it's going to work for someone else. Doing the Rodney Root standing on your knees.

Daryl Sothers used to do that. You can be star. Little Johnny jokes. Some of the comments that come through, most overwhelmingly really positive, but some people are like,

oh, C's been watching Rodney Roode or that's a Rodney Roode joke. Yeah. Oh, he's getting burnt. Okay, for starters,

I don't think Rodney Roode wrote the joke. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. I'm pretty sure I've heard Dave Allen do that joke about a priest going to dinner at someone's house. Yeah, that's an old joke.

Absolutely. Well, you're just showing that you were definitely handling stolen goods there, Lee, because you're the one that propped it up to start with. Yeah. And I wrote my comment on it was the young fella made his stand-up comedy debut, and I had a comment yesterday that said there's a big difference between stand-up comedy and telling a joke. Yes. Get it right.

Yes. Oh, fuck. Sorry, mate. I'd love to see your kid getting done in the ways that people used to make those clips of Amy Schumer and be like, she's a joke thief. And it's just like your seven-year-old side-by-side with someone like... With Rodney Rude. With Rodney Rude. Who did it first?

This is in 1982 yeah so it's your kid going to school in the morning and comedy nerd going you fucking hack

yeah getting heckled in class yeah even the teachers yeah yeah yeah yeah kids like passing notes on

you're a fucking joke thief cunt joke thief well cunt. Joke thief. Well, have you had any updates, any more bookings for the worst of Melbourne comedy? Oh, the worst of Melbourne comedy, every Wednesday during the Comedy Festival in April at 9.30pm.

What? 9.30pm. And who's going to go on? It's a good idea. So what's the pitch? Who are you going to get to do that? What part of worst of Melbourne comedy do I need to explain? I understand that, but clearly it's not.

You know what I mean. It is or? Well, you're not going to have a bunch of acts being shit, are you? Well, if you do and you pull it off, fucking well done. Also, you're worried that people are going, they're seeing this, they're thinking this is some kind of like anti-comedy kind of thing. And it's like the whole show is going to kill. But are you genuinely going to book people who are bad?

And how do you pitch it to them? They might be listening, Dave. So this is part of the social experiment. This is all part of it. Social experiment. Or you all part of it. Social experiment. Or you're getting people to do things they used to do or, you know, like that are considered. Look, there are some people up there that are going to be doing stuff. Do you want me to do my character?

I'll bring back my character. What's your character? I used to do Podgy. It was an unemployed guy. Yeah. Or a beanie. Is it bad though? It probably is.

Because I think I'm going to bring back Bogan Baby, which I think Bogan Baby was born off the back of you talking about Bogan. I'm just saying, there's a certain legendary stand-up comedian from Toowoomba who might be hosting at least one of them. I mean, big influence on both of you guys, Gary Chook. Oh, sure. I think you're talking about Nick Carr. He's one of the greats. I thought you meant Nick Carr. Doesn't he qualify?

It's the only Toowoomba comic I know. I was like, oh, of course, that makes sense. The worst of Melbourne comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah meant Nick Carr. Does he qualify? It's the only Toowoomba comic I know. I was like, oh, of course, that makes sense. The worst of Melbourne comics. Nick Carr. No. Who else is from Toowoomba? There's Michelle Laurie from Toowoomba and... Gary Chook.

Yeah, Gary Chook, okay. The granddaddy of them all. Could you do... So could I go on and do like a really old bit? I used to have this really old bit where I'd do impersonations of movie stars. Could I come on and do that? This sounds stars. But I can't want to do that. This sounds terrible. So yes.

Yeah, list them off. What movie stars are we talking? So I used to do this bit, and this is going back just in my defense. Yep. Over 25 years ago. When you were seven. Yeah, sure. When I was seven.

On a cruise ship. But I would do different movie stars. I'd do impersonations of them in bed. Your dad. Oh, yes. Did your dad write? bed. Your dad. Oh, hell yes. Did your dad tell you? This sounds horrible. I love it.

Oh, my God. Yes. So who, Jack Nicholson? So there was like... Frank Spencer in bed. Obviously there's Arnold Schwarzenegger, right? Oh, beautiful. Tom Hanks.

Yep. Who's the guy from... Tommy Lee Jones. Oh, beautiful. Tom Hanks. Yep. Who's the guy from Tommy Lee Jones? Can you actually imitate these people? No, but the Tommy Lee Jones was... Oh, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I really want to hear it. I want to see it on the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do it on the show. Don't give away the milk. I'll do it. I'll do Tommy Lee Jones. Give us just a drop of milk. I want to hear one of them. I'll do E.T.

Famous actor E.T. Yes. I can't wait. Can I ask, when you're doing these, when you're the famous, I mean, we all love... Robert De Niro.

Oh, fantastic. We all love a bit of someone telling a routine in which they're rooting. Were you humping the stool while you're doing it? Are you acting it out? No, I was...

No, no. Okay. Can I guess the Robert De Niro? Certainly not anymore with that you acting it out? No, I was. No, no. Okay. Can I guess the Robert De Niro? Certainly not anymore with that bad acting. Can I guess the Robert De Niro? Yeah. Hey, are you sucking my dick? Are you sucking my dick?

You're looking at me? Who else is sucking my dick? If you're not going to suck my dick. If you're not going to suck my dick. I'm trying to remember. It actually fucking might have been. It actually might have been. Maybe it was. I've got to ask because Hammo remembers this routine line for line. I actually fucking might have been. That actually might have been.

I've got to ask, because Hammo remembers this routine line for line. Of course, yeah. I would assume maybe if you were doing a De Niro, roughly thinking about the era you would have been doing it in, maybe it's more meet the parents era. And it's like, I got nipples, Greg. Could you suck me off? No, no, it was definitely a taxi driver thing.

It would be a taxi driver. Damn it. I could bring in my bass guitar. Maybe I did that at one of your... Yeah, but this is not like old things. It's got to be bad. Your bass guitar was good. Playing the bass, though, that's bad comedy. That's bad comedy.

That's bad. You know what? Maybe I can work with you and make some of your material worse and make it good enough slash bad enough to be on Boyz II Men. I'll take some of the punchlines out I think my character yeah do your character

as if he appeared on Burt Newton's New Faces yeah twice I did one you never win

hang on as long as because you didn't so you did the first you won the first no lost to a girl on roller skates

oh okay well this qualifies as worst of Melbourne Comedy and then they got me back for the viewer's choice So you did the first date. You won the first date. No. No. Lost to a girl on roller skates. Oh. Okay. Well, this qualifies as worst of all. And then they got me back for the viewer's choice. Right. Bert loved me. And you lost that as well. You've got to do that.

You know how a lot of line-up shows in the festivals will be like, featuring comics seen on Comedy Central, Netflix and all that. You've got to do it. Bert Newton's. Featuring comics seen on Bert Newton's new faces. Oh, yeah, yeah. And all the logos. My judges were Karen Knowles and Ethel Guy.

Yeah. Ethel Guy from The Seekers. Hey, we should do... I could do my red faces routine. Oh, yeah. Dave could do his new faces routine. Oh. Yeah.

A whole face-related night. Yeah. All of a sudden, you guys are doing a residency. You're there every week with a different act. Carl's got to come on in his pyjamas. Yeah. No, mate. That's killer.

That's too good. That's bad stuff. That's too good. That's bad stuff. This has got legs. Well, you did say that a couple of listeners have expressed interest. Oh, a fucking heap of them. In performing.

So maybe at one of the live pods we could do like an open audition. Yeah. Oh, turn our live pod into an open mic beautiful yeah yeah what do you think you get up you give us one joke and we pick oh so they turn into limo's kid yeah and then we see what 90s movie star will comment on it yeah and one of yeah one one lucky listener gets to gets the honor of performing at the worst of melbourne okay okay so we're doing during live pods in april yeah on saturday So we're doing, during live pods in April, on Saturdays, we're doing,

part of the show is an open mic audition for the worst of Melbourne. An open mic audition to be on an open mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good. Oh, great. Yeah. Okay, all right, we're in.

This has legs. Yeah, I'm in. That's something that'll eat up some time. I'm in. So hang on, but in an open mic audition to get on the worstst of Melbourne Comedy, the loser wins. Whoever's the worst.

Well, I guess it is whoever we think would be. So they come out and they do like one joke. They do one bit. And it's whoever we think was bad enough that we're like, I want to see where this goes over five minutes. Yeah, yeah. I tuned out 30 seconds in. You're in.

Yeah. The train started to come off the rails. I want to see it just fucking plow. Yeah, yeah, yeah're in. The train started to come off the rails. I want to see it just fucking plough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. This is going to really suck if you're going to be up there with Limo pretending to be

Mr. T getting his dick sucked. Actually, did you miss it? Yes! Pity the fool. What do you say? Pity the fool? Pity the tool. Pity the tool. Pity the fool What do you say Pity the fool Pity the tool Pity the tool

Pity the tool Pity the tool Pity the tool I did Glenn Close as well Oh my god There's some Obscure references in there How long into comedy

Were you when you did this As a routine I used to do it When I was in London So I would have been Third Three years into comedy Yeah okay

Right I'll follow that Under the category of have been third, three years into comedy. Yeah, okay, right. I'll follow that under the category of should know better after three years. Yeah, yeah. It was the mid-90s though. Borderline,

yeah. It was the mid-90s. Low bar. Yeah, alright. Different time. You're in the UK, imagine the crowds

of junglers are eating that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The routine used to go well. That's your Carl in pyjamas. That's the pyjama defence. It used to kill. It used to kill.

That's the pyjama defence. Make fun all you want. It used to kill. I always said that. Couldn't beat the pyjamas. Do you know the amount of comedy competitions I won with the pyjamas? Pyjamas going on closer. I one night had a comedian called Jeff Boyses came up to me at Jonglers.

Want to buy it? And he goes... Want to buy it off him? No, no. He comes up to me and goes, hey, are you doing your sleeping with the movie stars stuff tonight? Yes. I said I am.

And I was doing a 10-minute spot and he was doing one of the main 20-minute spots, right? Yeah. So I felt like he had the power control in this conversation. He goes, I'm doing my De Niro stuff tonight, so if you could leave De Niro out. And you said? And I went, oh yeah, of course, Mr. Boyce.

Are you talking to me? So I did leave it out like a fucking pussy. And De Niro was the pick of the bunch. And then was his De Niro even that? The De Niro was the cornerstone of his act. Oh, really? And he did a fucking Was his De Niro even that He had The De Niro was the cornerstone of his act Oh really And he did a fucking good Robert De Niro Okay

It sounds like you weren't even impersonating them though You were just like saying quotes I was doing a half reasonable De Niro Okay right Like when I did the face People were like oh right But Boys was next level I can see you doing the face

Because you have a resemblance You do Yeah I like this I like this. I like this. This is good. But Jeff Boyes fucking looked exactly like

Robert De Niro. His impersonation was amazing. Jeff Boyes is such a rad old British bloke name. Jeff Boyes

came out and was out here at Comedy Festival a few times. He was actually in Meet the Parents. That was him.

It was Robert De Niro. He's doing his show this year One Man Killers of the Flower Moon he's in Taxi Driver 2 yeah well you know I like all those

random weird I can't even I can't even imagine some of those impersonations and if you do Worst of Melbourne Comedy

can I pick a weird random celebrity and you have to wait for that interview? Oh, please, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd love to, you know... Expand the repertoire.

Expand the repertoire. Updated for 2024. Who? Like Matthew Crock from Hey Dad? The fat kid? Matthew Newton. No? Bill Cosby.

Yeah. Rob Harris. Give it a 2024 spin. What do they sound like When they have sex Funny stuff folks Funny funny stuff Where was

Where was Was Luke Heggy Doing a Fucking podcast That's based in the States I can't remember What it was Someone

Someone was telling me The story Right And they said to him Who are your Who are your favourite comedians Or your biggest influences Yeah

And he said, Bill Cosby, Rolf Harris and Nick Cody. Fuck, that's very offensive to compare Rolf Harris. I mean, you didn't see Rolf at the Taylor Swift concert with the bedazzled shirt on so come on go easy you Taylor written on the wobble board

play some of the old stuff the really really old stuff I've only got young stuff it was the era's tour so he would have been there for the early stuff

exactly no offence to the Harris family if you've heard this alright we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club Limo, Dave O'Neill Exactly. No offence to the Harris family if you've heard this. All right, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Limo, Dave O'Neill, thank you very much for joining us. Great. Thank you.

Adelaide Fringe. I'm doing Adelaide Fringe too. Yeah, we should mention Adelaide Fringe. Camper Van Gogh is the name of my show. Carl's coming out with an amazing poster. And it's in Melbourne as well. And I'm doing it at the basement on a few Monday nights at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

So get tickets. It'll be registered by the time this pod comes out. So, yes, get involved. Go check that out. Dave O'Neill. My show's called Good One. Yeah, Melbourne. Melbourne, Adelaide and Brisbane too.

Great. A couple of weeks in Melbourne. Yes, yes, at the Comedy... Beard of Lux. A couple of weeks in Melbourne? Yes, yes. At the... Beards of Lux. Beards of Lux. Oh, God. But me and Limo are at the same venue at Fringe in Adelaide. Piglet.

Yes, Piglet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's good. Good stuff. We were harking back to last year when I was telling you about this. Put the fear of God into me. Yes. You said there were going to be 14-year-olds throwing cans of Coke at me over the fence.

From a roller coaster. I saw you've already sold out one night, which I'm fascinated by, Limo, because as we all know, your venue is outside. How do you know I'm sold out at night? Because you got me to do your poster and didn't put any of the fucking details in the email,

so I had to look up the website and then I saw one of the nights I sold out. Yeah, right, okay. That's good. They can add as many seats as you like in there. That's what I said to you last year.

The venue's outdoors. How can you fucking sell out of outdoors? It's actually a great venue. Unless it rains. Get onto them. You have not sold out your outdoor venue.

The population of Earth is not full of limo-goers. I know. You're only limited by... In fact, you don't even need chairs because it's on a rake. You can actually sit up on the grass. Sit on the grass.

If you jack the amp right up, people could hear you on their balconies. You can sit on the Ferris wheel and listen to the best of limo. You could. Bring a picnic blanket. Anyway, I'll put more chairs in for the Friday night. Good call. You're going to need them once people hear about what if E.T. was getting sucked off. Where's your

kid? Where's the kid coming out? There's a lot to look forward to. John Stamos

will be there yelling, where's the kid? Sharon Stone, should we sit in there crossing her legs?

Distracting in the audience? I'm not opening these legs unless I hear about what if David Hasselhoff got his dick sucked. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. And they've done it again. Bernie. Good stuff. Fun app. Fun friends. Yeah, following up what we said at the top of the show, we've got live shows coming up. Bernie. Good stuff. Fun app. Yeah. Fun friends. Yeah. Following up what we said at the top of the show, we've got live shows coming up.

Melbourne for live pods March 30, April 7. 14, 21. Is that right? Yeah. No. Isn't it 36, 13, 20? Oh, yeah. You're right.

Yeah. Sorry. Saturday afternoons, 4.30 in the Basement Comedy Club in Melbourne. Fun stuff then, Koh Samui, June 9 to 14 at the Stay Resort in downtown Koh Samui, in Chawing Beach. Heaps of fun, heaps of people coming. It's going to be great. We're talking about this, Tommy.

What about this? We had, a long time ago, one of the festivals where we're fundraising um for the festival when we were the first ever one we were like fuck how are we going to do this it was we talked about this a little bit recently where we didn't know what the fuck we were going to do initially it was just going to be me and you and then there was a moment where i think there was just gonna it was we were going to bring over me you and xavier i think we were hoping to go over just with a few guests, have a week, and just record pods while we were there.

Yeah. And then we ended up less and less people were available, and there was a point where it was just going to be us and Xavier. Right. And it was all pretty last minute, and it was like, why don't we delay this and just try and do it semi-properly? Yeah. Yeah.

What are we doing? What is this going to gonna be and that evolved into all right we're doing it in winter i think we were gonna do in summer for some reason yeah it turned in we're gonna do it in winter and then we were like i guess if anyone wants to come you can come and then like you know this this whole thing every time you say this story to a normal person like every time i've told the coast of million international podcast festival to another person they just go what the fuck are you talking about? Is this real?

And that's especially at the start when we go, okay, we're going to go over there. And then all these people started going, okay, we'll come. And then that happened. And we're like, fuck, this is unbelievable how so many people came. Now, we fundraised. We didn't charge people to come that year. That first year, yeah. We just fundraised and got um and people

got videos out of it and people got this and that out of it um and part of it was we had a sponsor we had the the rich what was it called officially a guy called rich young yeah rich young and his stupid fucking podcast he was like i want you to promote my youtube channel yes and you can be as brutal as you want yes so it was Rich Young and his stupid fucking YouTube channel. Yes. Presents. Yes. Which I think he said all of that stuff and then went, and then once we started going

hard, he was like, oh, I didn't mean that hard. Yeah. And then at one point, wasn't he like, yeah, you can just pay me back whenever you. Yeah. It was something to do with that. So things got a little bit awkward. Yeah. But we're thinking, look, we have pushed the boat out this year and we, I mean, we have ended up, we are flying and we budgeted for three guests.

We're now bringing four guests because Brett Blake flew himself basically. But then we went, we better do the right thing and put him up and fly him over and give him the money for it and all that sort of stuff. So we thought maybe this would be a good idea to bring back the sponsorship. Now, this is not, of course, like all we want to do is pay for blakey's flight so we're not asking for some 10k sponsorship just to raise money for blakey yeah oh okay i didn't know that well well no no not for blakey but for us yeah because we're in the hole we're paying for it anyway all right i thought he was just coming he is, but I feel guilty that he's paying and coming and being part of it. Yeah.

Don't you think? I don't care. Oh, well, I... He wants to come. Fuck him. Okay, well, sorry. But anyway, yeah. So we're looking for a sponsor for Blakey.

Yes. We're looking for a sponsor for our sponsor child. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the trickle-down economics of World Vision. We have a sponsor child job but we don't want to pay for it yeah yeah exactly yeah we're kick we're kick-starting for our sponsor child

yeah yeah that's not bad actually starting a kickstarter i mean like guys i really want to i really want to support a starving kid in africa cost of living crisis i can't really budget for it right now if you want to sponsor someone who has a sponsor child yeah yeah if you can do that uh we don't mind paying two bucks a day. It's just we don't want to take it out of our own wallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll pass on the letters from the fridge. I'll be skimming maybe a quarter of it off the top just because I am doing the legwork of then forwarding the money on to UNICEF.

So I should get something. Just booking fees. Exactly, yeah. So the idea is we don't want a $10,000 sponsorship. Oh, you can do that if you want. But here's the aim. A one grand sponsorship. Now, I think this is good for like a small business or a big business.

I'm not opposed to getting $1,000 off Coca-Cola Amateur. I mean, it's a better deal for a big business. Yeah, yeah. It would be amazing. The percentage of the takings of, yeah. I'm very open to IBM sponsoring us for $1,000. Hey, look, you know, Coles and Woolworths, they've just taken a beating on Four Corners.

Yes. They could use a bit of brand, you know, resuscitation. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know if the Coastal Media Festival, Podcast Festival is going to help that out. It can't be worse for them than what they've been putting up with recently. A bunch of drunk Australians over in Southeast Asia. Well, and, you know, we were saying we want to, you know, we need to come up with a, because

at the moment the resort think that the shows that we're doing are a corporate retreat. So we need some sort of like, you know, polo shirt to make us all look like we're from the one company, the one business. And, you know, those CEOs of Coles and Woolies went on Four Corners, like, dressed like they're, you know, working the checkout in the shops. So maybe it could be that, mate. You could sponsor it and it could be

a Woolworths corporate retreat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's not too bad. Your business, if you're a small business and you sponsor this, your business can be the corporate retreat that we're claiming that we're from

when we do the shows. Maybe that's it. Yeah. Because i've been trying to think you know i like the idea we have merch that when we go to koh samui we're going to have you know got him industries or whatever you know something like that but maybe it turns into that maybe we wear your polo shirts over there well this is bang for your buck you're getting photos of tons of people on the beach wearing your logo yeah there's probably like a whole live episode over there, the first one we do where we are pretending that it's the corporate retreat for your business. Every time we talk about the Coastal Movie International Podcast Festival,

it'll be such and such presents. And we'll work it in and we'll pull up any celebrities who come on the show and try and mention the podcast festivals. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Yep. Blah, ah, ah, ah. Yep. Blah, blah, blah presents. We need, I mean, anything like a, you know what I'd love? A newsagents.

You know, they're sitting there, they're like, oh, Prince on the way out. These things are closing down left, right and center. No one's coming in anymore. Hey, getting the word out on a podcast could be just the boost that the Anglesey News Agency needs to stay in business. My first love, the news agency. Oh, I always say, as I've talked about in the past, my parents owned about four or five businesses in Maryborough. And I was always like, what about the news agency? And they're like, no.

It was like in those days, that was like the jewel in the crown. This could be a way of you, you know, finally, in a way, completing the dream. You'd be sort of, I mean, yeah, you'd be over there doing a corporate retreat for the Anglesey News Agency. Yeah. You'd finally sort of be in the realm of working in the news agency. Well, that's it. Like, within reason, if this shop, say if it's a shop, say if it's a storefront, if

it's within reason, we go and do an in-store appearance. Oh, McAfee Day style. Yes. Yeah. We go and do a shift in there or something yeah that'd be good um so so this is now this has gone from sponsorship to us just like we we go in and work for you and that's where we get the money we do a thousand bucks with them we i mean sure we could just go and we could both get jobs at mcdonald's from now until the

festival and be like yeah mc McDonald's sponsored the Costa Mood. McDonald's sponsored us bringing Brett Blake over. Yeah. They gave us the money. It's not a traditional sponsorship as in we worked for it and then they said, please do not mention our name. Yeah. But we're counting it as a sponsorship. I mean, without them giving us the money, we wouldn't have been able to do it. Yeah.

So, guys, if you've got any ideas, if you're a person that works for, you know, it could be a big company and you've got access to the sponsorship department for the marketing department, or it could be someone at the Werribee fish and chip shop. It's a good deal. You don't even need to have access to the sponsorship department. You just need access to petty cash. Yes. Yes.

Come and drop it round in an envelope. You just need to be thinking, fuck, that's June. That's the podcast festival. That's towards the end of the financial year. just need to be thinking fuck that's June that's the podcast festival that's towards the end of the financial year we need to move

a little bit of money I'm anticipating we're going to get to choose between sponsorship pitches so guys when you say you know

hey this is my business or this is a place I've worked for we've finagled this sort of money you need to also say this is why this is why you're

a good fit for our brand. I'm anticipating after the last time we did this and we ended up, the only nibble we got was a guy's YouTube channel reeling in the line and there being a big boot on the end. So guys, please prove me wrong. Great. Please prove me wrong. I would love that.

I'm happy for a YouTube channel. You know, I'm getting too cynical. You know, the world's beating me down. Do your part to bring a little ray of hope into this bitter man's life. You need a bigger ray of hope than me organizing a fucking podcast festival on the beach in June that I fucking set up for you. I'm not skeptical that we're going to get a sponsor. That's what I'm saying. I'm cynical about that bit.

So prove me wrong. All right. all right. So prove me wrong. All right, all right. Okay. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I'm so sorry. No, this will be good content. Love to hear from you guys. And this would, I guarantee your small business,

the amount of times we're going to fucking talk about it. You guarantee? You guarantee what? People are going to want to come to your business after this. People want to. This is going to be canon. Yeah. People are going to want to come and check out whatever the fuck you're shilling out there.

Yeah. So if you're interested, this could be your name here. Yeah. Presents Coastal Million International Podcast Festival 2024. One grand. What do you call that? Is that like a... A thousand dollars.

Oh, okay. Like one K. Is there a nickname for a thousand dollars? Is there some sort of... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. You know when you get like... Someone...

Well, then a second sponsor can sponsor the nickname for the thousand dollars. Okay, right. Easy. The mint. So it's this venue presents the $1,000, insert name, sponsorship from second business of the Koh Samui International Podcast. Oh, you know what I love is two shops to go halves. They're two shops that are next to each other. Say the chemist and the dry cleaners in Kyaburam are just next to each other.

We'll just go halves. This is all right. When they're coming to one,um are like just next to each other. We'll go, we'll just go halves. This is all right. Because when they're coming to one, you might as well come to the other. This used to just be one building that the real estate agents sliced into half. So, you know, that counts. Yeah. You're here, you might as well do the double. Yep.

That's a good idea. Yep. What would be your dream sort of business to be involved in? What sort of business have you always wanted to maybe not work for or maybe work for? To have to talk about on a pod. No, to be part of, to work for. Like we're working for this business effectively if we're talking about it. Have you ever wanted to work for a news agency or KFC?

Oh, I mean, in my 20s like jb hi-fi was always the dream job it's like imagine that you just stand around and yeah fucking talk about cds and dvds all day yeah well people that did it were like people that i know that work there were like it sucked yeah well it's the job is not listening to c. The job is dealing with the general public. Yeah, exactly. As most jobs are. Who think they know more about CDs than you. Right, yeah.

Yeah, well, hey, look, JB, if you're listening, you can do it again. You can get on board here for sure. And look, we definitely have a demo of people. Look, I know I've met listeners of the show within JB Hi-Fi. Yeah, yeah, there's a guy in the city store. He's always in there. He used to be. I don't know if he still is.

I don't know. We should take this the other way where we look for sponsorship. We look for advertising for the festival in JB Hi-Fi. Oh, yeah. Few mentions of the podcast festival and those little fucking illustrated price tags that they stick above like a new Blu-ray. Yeah. Just sneaking in a little reference to us. Yeah. little fucking illustrated price tags that they stick above like a new blu-ray yeah just sneaking in a little reference to us yeah just putting an ad in the the cd section and people going no no one saw that i don't know what this is no one went in there for two months unfortunately

when you were sponsoring it sorry about that we'll get in touch little dum-dum club at gmail.com all the socials look forward to getting getting offers from eight different TikTok accounts that are unboxing videos with eight followers. Yeah. Some open micers that are like, oh, yeah, put my festival show in there. Yep, yep. Oh, that's not bad. We could end up with the worst of Melbourne comedy presents to Coastal Mill International Podcast Festival.

Yeah, mysterious benefactor. Mr. Comedy. First name worst of. Yeah. So what else is happening? That's about it? Yeah. That's all the bits and pieces we had to talk about?

Yeah. We're on the verge of... We're recording this just before you go to Japan? Just before we go to Adelaide. Yes. And then I go to Japan not long after that. This episode will come out before Adelaide Yes And then go to Japan Not long after that This episode will come out

Before Adelaide or after? Before Before the Adelaide ep Yeah Yeah this is 699 Okay Oh 699 Yep

Nice Wow The most dumb dumb episode of them all 6 69 69 and 9 Tons And another person

spooning them. Someone just, yeah, eating their ass. Yeah. No. No, wait. No. Yeah.

Spooning them. A little kiss on the back of the neck. Spooning them. Yeah. Someone's having a sixty-nine. Yeah. Someone's having a sixty-nine

and someone's spooning the person. Yeah. As well. That's alright. That's weird. That little nine in the middle. They're having a great time.

Yeah. Yeah, it must be nice. Um, okay. Six, nine, it must be nice. Okay. Six, nine, six. Two people 69ing and then someone other way around facing the other way. Yeah. Just whacking off. Yeah, it is too.

Yeah. Yeah. It's two people. Well, that's a cuck. That's someone's wife getting 69ed and then the other guy just like, this is good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good just like, this is good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

Wow. That would be horrible. Well, let's crack into the proper sponsors of this show, the Patroners, the people who get onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and chuck their hard-earned or maybe their really easily earned shekels our way. Their trust fund money. Let us know. If you're a Nepo baby, if you're a trust fund baby that's chipping in on fund money let us know if you're a nepo baby

if you're a trust fund baby that's chipping it on Patreon let us know well Rich Young I believe was one of those people yeah right

I reckon this guy look Rich Young if you're still listening I think he's one of those people that's dropped off for some reason I mean if I'd given that much money to us

I'd sort of think I should listen to these people for the rest of my life yeah I saw these great ads for during the week a current affair one of like this this a super young packer son and how he's like he works for unicef or something and it's like the young packer son it's not succession he doesn't want to follow in the family lines he wants to forge a path and do it on his own and it's like, with a story on a current affair.

He's really going out on his own, making a path by himself. And when the will gets read out, he's nowhere to be seen, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. I'd prefer not to have all that money. Well, thank you, everyone that subscribes. And this is, you know, if you can't afford to sponsor the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival, this is a way to sponsor a tiny little part of it.

This is your name. Your name being read out on the show is like the, you know, when you go to those places and there's like a brick in a building with a little name on it. That's what this is. This is pretty funny to just be like begging for money and then next second. Anyway, thanks to these people that give us money

yeah he's he's a he's enough of the big fish he's the minnows he's a little minnows but no a brick on a i was at um i was in the fitzroy gardens the other day and they've got like a you know few a lot like a paving kind of bit near the pond and there's like people were able to like ride in cement from like when it was done and there's people like you know the the first of february like 1995 my god something like that would be great to get in on a little like a little not just like a cement on like a street but like in a proper you know in a park in something that's going to be preserved for a long time yep um do you ever scratch your name on a table at school? Oh, yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. What did you put? I used to... I got in a lot of trouble one year because I would just sit there and draw on my desk and then got to the end of the year and they're like, what the fuck's all this? Oh, they didn't notice it all year? My art. Yeah.

Just drawing in pen. How did they not notice it all year? I don't know. I was just up the back. Just drawing in pen. How did they not notice it all year? I don't know. I was just up the back. Just to... Because the desk was so like shitty and old and already had like bits of, you know, previous years people like tagging it and writing their name and the thing was falling apart. And I was just like, oh, well, this is just...

Free for all. This is just trash anyway. Who gives a fuck? It's a desk at school. Yeah. I'm just going to brighten this up with some of my little characters. What's the punishment? Anything? Nothing. I'm just going to brighten this up with some of my little characters. What's the punishment?

Anything? Nothing. I can't remember. Probably blocked it out. Getting sucked off by the principal. What was the punishment? All right. So, Patreon, thank you, everyone who contributes.

To the people in the past, thank you for your service. To the people in the future, here we go. Yep. Fuck a duck. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. First cap off the rank this week. you very much too sorry are we keeping up i've had a fucking horrible sleep last night yet again well it's hot it was hot last night it was hot the dog was playing up again yeah it's really i didn't i didn't have a great really bad stuff at the moment yeah yeah i didn't i didn't go good and had to get up and uh uh had to go and

i gotta time it really weirdly with my with my child at the moment because she's got to have sandwiches for for lunch and i like it have fresh bread but you go up there and you got to time it because it's the bread comes out the oven too hot to cut yep so i've got to time i've got to do a really late run to make sure it's cool enough. Because the woman up there tells me off for going there too early. She can't cut it in time. You're camping out overnight. Yeah.

Anyway. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Wayne Spark. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Spark. It's a good name.

Can't imagine too many kids these days being called Wayne. Having a little beautiful baby boy and thinking Wayne. It's a good name can't imagine too many kids these days being called wayne having a little beautiful baby boy and thinking it's a real it's a real um two titans colliding here like a pretty uplifting great positive energetic last name yeah and a pretty fucking dead shit first name it's there's if you had to write a character in a book or a show that was dumb, you can't go too far past Wayne. Wayne. Yeah. You're not writing a character going,

I've met the hottest, most intelligent person I've ever met. He's got a massive dick. His name is Wayne. Yeah, there's not a Wayne Hemsworth. No. And there's a lot of them. That's good. There's fucking tons of them.

That's a funny fellow's character. Wayne Hemsworth. Wayne Hemsworth. Yeah. Yeah, I always wanted to do... Like, any time they've made... Remember there was, like, the Lara Bingle reality show? Yes.

I always wanted to make something where it was, like... You know, like, we talked the other week about the Osbournes, how there's an Osborne sibling who didn't want to be on the show. Yes. I always wanted to make something where it was like, you know, like we talked the other week about the Osbournes, how there's an Osborne sibling who didn't want to be on the show. Yep. You like, you make a recut where it's you as the sibling that got cut out of the show. So you just go through what's there and then you just film all this to camera stuff in the style.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you like splice yourself in. You're in the spare room. So we could do that. We could, one of us could be Wayne Hemsworth. I'm sure there's some form of, I don know we could find probably like some not reality show but a doco or something about the hemsworths yeah yeah and just like splice it splice it in yeah just

the two thaws and then you become like if they get onto it if they discover it and they love it then all of a sudden you know how like the collingwood football club will get like hellier to do his strawny character? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at events? Yeah. Like you become, once you become legitimized by the thing that you, like the idea that they would see it and be like, this is pretty funny.

Yeah. Let's get this guy in for our next red carpet appearance. And then there you are next to them all. Yeah. Kind of hunched over. Look, you know what? What about this? We're not going to do this.

I can't see in a million years us doing this but if some potential tiktoker wants to go out there and create this account just just get give us a bit of wedge off it like this is a million dollar idea yeah so someone go and do it and then and then you got to pay us back get us in maybe i'll do it in japan maybe i'll just walk around harajuku and tell people that i'm a heemsworth. I'm the Hemsworth that's not in movies. Okay. I think you need, well, if you're going to do it on TikTok, you need to get into the wig department.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. TikTok loves a wig. That's all I know about TikTok. Yeah. So Wayne Spark, you're part of this.

We'll give you a slight wedge out of it as well. Well, maybe Spark's my nickname. Wayne Spark Hemsworth. See, Sparky, that's a great nickname. Wayne Sparky Hemsworth. Sparky. And the other brothers call him that because it's like, what they never really talk about is that I'm the really uplifting one of the family.

No. You know, I was the one who was always like pumping up the brothers. No, no, no, no, no. You've got to be the dumb. You've got be the the the mentally fucked in the head okay i'm the dependent yeah you're the you're the dumb hemsworth yeah and and that's why his nickname is sparky because it's you know it's like calling someone bluey when they yeah okay yeah he's sparky bright spark yeah yeah yeah he's an absolute fucking dead shit yeah great great and that's why no one knows about this hemsworth yeah he's too dumb yeah yeah, great, great. And that's why no one knows about this Hemsworth.

Yeah. He's too dumb. Yeah. I saw a great, you know, I love those, you see those lists of like nicknames on like, you know, work sites and stuff where it's like, I don't know, broken clock only works twice a day or like whatever it is. Yeah.

I saw on a post of someone looking for Taylor Swift tickets last week, someone going. Nick Cody? I want Ticketek to, I want Ticketek to lower the casket at my funeral so they can let me down one final time. Oh, yeah. I was like, that's good. That's not too bad.

That's not a bad one to have in the chamber. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. All Sparky, congratulations. Welcome to... Welcome to Funny Fellas Cannon. Yes. Thank you for being the wind beneath our wings. congratulations welcome to this is welcome to funny fellas canon yes

thank you for being the wind beneath our wings this is going to be absolutely massive or we'll forget it in five minutes

either one but thanks for your support for this show thanks Wayne Spark yep thanks Sparky

thanks Sparky thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Zach Baldwin okay hmm another another Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Zach Baldwin. Okay. Wow.

Hmm. Another famous show business. Sibling Potentially. Sibling Potentially, yeah. We've gone from a fictional one to maybe a real one. Could be a real one, yeah. This could be the guy that one of the few Baldwins that hasn't shot someone. Controversial. Yeah.

Yeah. It is a very big name. Going around in life with that surname. Yeah. To just, how often, like how many days must there be in their life where it's not brought up? Yeah. You know what is, I'd love to try and predict is like, so Alec Baldwin, you know, he takes that turn on 30 Rock

where it's like, wow, this guy's doing comedy and he's actually really funny because he's just kind of playing it seriously. Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber, famously the studio, they're like, why the fuck? And his managers were like, you are making the biggest mistake of your life. He was like, no, I think it's a funny script.

It's funny to think about who is around at the moment that's known for being very serious, that would one day when they're older be like, wow, this guy's in a sitcom. Yeah, I don't know. I don't watch enough stuff. Who do you think? Well, I don't know. Who are the real intense, brooding kind of guys yeah i don't know i mean who's the guy that did did batman there's more robert pattinson yeah there's i guess there is more like he'd be in dumb and dumb three yeah there's more

of an established pathway of it having worked in the future so it's not like someone doing it now it's not the gamble of like a jeff daniels at the time where there wasn't really like a precedent you know yeah i mean i think what's the what's the adam sandler movie about the twins jack and jill jack and jill yeah jack and jill and jack with daniel day lewis in it would be great. Okay. Yeah. So Adam Sandler playing a man and a woman and then just Daniel Day-Lewis hanging out, being Jack's brother. Right. And then Jack and Jill and Jack and Jack.

And you also put in Robin Williams as the little boy who's an old man. I'm not sure how possible that is, but yeah. Okay. AI, they can do it. Okay. They can do it deep. They deep fake him in. Right. And everyone's's like you know what we we typically we've had a bit of a ethical objection to this

but for this specific project all right we'll let it slide okay yeah daniel day lewis has said i'm not attaching myself to this project unless a dead robert williams is attached yeah i mean look we've got adam sandler playing a playing a man and a woman in the same film. Like, we're already proving no computer could do that. We've earned the license to put a bit of AI deepfake technology in this film. What a great pitch. Like, they've said to Daniel Day-Lewis, we've got this great idea. We're bringing back Jack and Jill.

And he's like, I'm not sure. And they're like, well, we'll guarantee you. Yeah. Okay, well, that's... Now I'm on board. Now I'm not sure. And they're like, well, we'll guarantee you Robert Williams in it. Okay, well that's... Now I'm on board. Now I'm on. Well, you know, in the actual Jack and Jill, Al Pacino... This is sort of exactly what we're talking about.

Al Pacino's in it and he's trying to fuck Jill for the whole film. He's trying to fuck Lady Adam Sandler for the entire movie. The man in two of the greatest movies of all time, Godfather and Godfather 2. Yep. Trying to fuck Adam Sandler in a week. Trying to fuck Adam Sandler in a week.

Bugs Bunny style. My mate from school was texting me the other day about, he's like, I think I'm going to do a rewatch of You Don't Mess With The Zohan. Because him and I went to see it in the cinemas with our girlfriends at the time, who both hated it and hated how much we were loving it and also we me and him sat next to each other and we made our girlfriend sit on the outer of us

so that we could confer about how much we were loving the movie they then also had no option of conferring with each other about how much they were hating the movie yeah and my friend was like man i remember that being one of the greatest nights of my life i want to go back in and i was like yeah and then I was looking it up. I was like, what is the plot of You Don't Mess With The Zohan? And it's like, he's an Israeli soldier who's trying to kill this Palestinian mastermind. And I was like, uh-oh. Sandler, cancelled.

Yeah, he had that nice... Well, maybe you've got a different view of that. But, you know, everyone loves Adam Sandler now. But everyone's sort of like, I don't know, forgotten the 10 years of dog shit movies he's made maybe? Oh, like, knew it was dog shit, but was still just like, yeah, had been out on like the last couple that he'd done. But that looked so dog shit that we were like, and then there's like a bit at the start where he's brushing his teeth with hummus

and we were like, yeah, this is awesome. This is so good. God, Jesus. Well, Zach Baldwin, yeah, I hope your life's not too annoying. I wonder if he's old enough where he had a time pre-famous Baldwin when his name was just a normal name and then all of a sudden he saw Gary Glenn Ross and thought

things are going to change. My whole life's about to change. I have such little context for non-30 Rock Baldwin I've got to say. Yeah, he was just like a handsome leading man I guess in the late 80s

90s I guess. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. He was in I'm not a big watcher of him but Glenn Gary

Glenn Ross was great. Him in that is great. One of the great speeches in movie history. Okay. Have you watched it? I think I have, but it's such a long time ago and I can't remember anything. It's worth just watching the speech. It'll be on YouTube, just clipped.

Okay. Yeah, it's great. It's a great movie. Anyway, Zach Baldwin, that's you. Thanks, Zach. Thanks, Zachy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Philip Riot. R-Y-I-T-T.

Oh. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. You reckon?

I don't know. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. R-I-I-T. I want a R-I-I-T. Yeah, I don't know. You, Philip? Riot I want to Yeah I don't I don't know You Philip This is one where

Yeah back in the day Philip's teachers Getting the Class list And being like Jesus Fucking Christ Yeah

I'm going to say it wrong Yeah The kids are going to laugh at me But you know You're the teacher You think the kids are laughing at you We're actually not What we were laughing at

Was our friend For having a fucked name. Rit. I mean, you've got a sound effect for a name. Rit. Is that on the Muppets that time? Rit. Yeah. Rit, rit, rit, rit, rit, rit, rit, rit, rit.

Was this guy's ancestors a fucking Garfield comic strip? Yeah. Is this a power tool? Rit. Rit. Rit. Rit. Rit.

Well, Phil, yeah, I don't know what life you've led with this fucking name. I don't... I don't... I'm not envious. Phil. I met Phil. What do you think? Phil's okay we we had a friend in high school called phil and then kind of drifted apart and had a bit of a i don't know like my group of

friends that there's like weird kind of falling out with him and then 10 or 15 years later i went i wonder what he's you know yeah wonder what his life's like yeah and i did one of these last night yeah right random person and i just went went down the rabbit hole and went let's have a look at what this cunt's doing yeah okay i haven't seen him for 30 something years did you get any results i've had him on facebook and i just went through the pics and went and pieced together what i think his life was like yeah i kind of feel like when you do that now generally you don't get as good of a result because like a lot of people are just really not using Facebook in the same way or they've like deactivated their account or whatever. But I think –

But there was like a period where people were like super into it where someone could pop into your head. Yeah. And at the very least like, you know, people – a lot more people have their accounts like pretty private and locked down now if you're not friends with them. But I also think I'm of an age where those people are probably still doing that oh yeah they're still yeah they yeah and at the very least i don't need to know stuff this year or last year you know these these people on facebook are 47 48 i just need to see what they did five years ago just a glimpse it's not going to change radically what were they posting about in 2020 and 2021 they're not like the ones the one rallies were they posting about in 2020 and 2021? They're not like the ones.

What rallies were they at? Yeah, the ones, whatever they've ended up like. In particular, this guy that I looked up, he's like clearly like doing some sort of mining or something in WA. He's wearing beer stuff on his singlets. He's at the races. Like nothing's radically, you know, he's not all of a sudden going to, you know, fly overseas and start, you know, fucking go to the Gaza Strip and start fighting for the resistance or something like that.

Like, he's just some dead shit. And I was like, yeah, this cunt was a dead shit in high school. This all checks out. I'm probably, I mean, yeah, I guess that age bracket, it becomes a bit more interesting again. Because for me, if you get anything out of people when you look them up now, it's like they've got a two-year-old that's their whole account yeah but like i feel like most of the time now when i look someone up it'll be like page completely locked down um profile picture is something just like non just you know it's a fucking mountain in peru yeah you get no real look at what their life is or what they're doing but my point being this guy that we drifted apart from

at the point that i looked him up, this is a little while ago, so this is like deep in the zone. People are all very active on Facebook. No one's really figured out the privacy stuff yet, so you could just look someone up and it's like their fucking entire life is just there. And we were like, yay. We seemed like he kind of had some issues.

Like I wonder what's going on, if he's all right. And we look him up and his profile pic, him on a boat with just a topless chick next to it, with like huge fake tits. And we're like, yeah, he's doing all right. He's,

he's bounced back. Great. Great. This guy, I looked up, it was like just some dead shit in WA. He's like at the races. There was a couple of pictures where he's at the races.

You know, there's people that like upload, you know, five pics at once and they're basically the same pic and you're like, come on, grandma. This one looked, this guy, it really looked, it looked to me as if it was like a box where they'd gone on a boat and gotten a stripper. Yeah. And he just had put up like an album of just like multiple pics of him posing with this

girl with big fake tits. Right. And just like, check me out, everyone. It's like, it's almost like this post was aimed at us. Yeah, yeah. Look at me now, boys. Yeah, look at me now, Jenny. Yeah, yeah.

This guy, well, I like this guy. This guy last night, I looked him up and he was like, there was like two pics back to back where he's just having a beer at the races and, you know, there's all people going oh looking good yeah great but great yeah posting

proudly posting about the races on Facebook is such a specific type of guy well this is that guy so he's next to the

he's next to the races he's next to the barrier but he's like uploaded two pics back to back where one's just a flat image and then one

he's gone into colour corrected but he hasn gone into colour corrected. But he hasn't really colour corrected. I thought you meant that 3D thing that some people will put on their photos. No, no, no. You ever see someone do that? No, no, no. This is just him.

He's gone in there. He's uploaded one, but then uploaded the next one. And the next one is just him colour correcting the photo. But not him to make himself look like he's got a tan or anything. He's just made the grass really green and the sky really blue. I thought you were going to say he'd made it so that the label of that crown lager is just absolutely glistening. Yeah, yeah.

A real gold foil. Yeah. It's like, okay, well, looks like a great day for it out there at the races today, mate. The horse races are really fun. It looks like everything's been really well watered. Yep. Cool. Well, good work on Photoshop.

The big man upstairs really turned it on for this one. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's that guy. Well, look, I hope... Is he still living in your hometown? No, no, no. Like he's WA. Oh, WA.

Classic. Classic the meatheads that were like in my year or the year above or whatever where they were like, oh, these dead shits are barely finishing year 10 or year 11. It's like, well. Over to WA. Either you're staying here in the car dealership or you're over to WA or you're up to Queensland. Kick back at the Mandurah Guineas or whatever the event was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Perth is so beautiful weather-wise taking a photo over there and being like no i gotta boost up the blue of this sky all the work's been done for you my friend yeah yeah um and yeah man there was a stampede i remember after school god fucking bogans love to move to queensland like oh yeah you think queensland be like fuck off we're full We've got enough bogans up here. We don't need to import them from fucking Maribor. We don't need toxic fucking bogans from there.

That's a different grade of bogans. I mean, maybe they're trying to just get rid of the few remaining hipsters that haven't gotten around to moving yet. Price these cunts out. Yeah. And then it's all ours. Yeah, yeah. Then we secede.

Yeah. Well, thanks, Rit. Thanks, Philip Rit. Rit. I hope wherever you are today, your grass is a little greener and your sky is a little bluer. I hope we had something to do with that.

And your crown is absolutely glistening. I hope we photoshopped up your day today. Upload this to Facebook. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jordan and then didn't supply his last name but we're going to have

to have a guess off his email address. Okay. With Jordan Hotmail. I think it's probably Bank

Banks Bank or Banks so let's say because Banky is in his email address. Oh Banky okay. So that's just I because Banky is in his email address. Oh, Banky, okay. So that's just, I assume his email. So you're going to say, his email is Jordan at Commonwealth Bank.

So I'm getting a feeling his surname might be Bank. Imagine that, you worked at a bank and your nickname is Banky. That's great. Banky. Banky. That is good. That's good. You know what I heard a bit of on the way here?

That is good. That's good if you are. You know what I heard a bit of on the way here? Having a nickname off the back of your, instead of your name, off the back of your occupation is great. I mean, I've worked at the AFL before. Yep. Footy.

I mean, it's got to be a pretty weird job, I guess, but yeah. I don't know. I don't think it'd be that weird of a job. I think it'd be very, very, very... I think my old man tried to work... Maybe... Did he work at the bank before? I don't know. I think that was very much like you get out of school at that age.

Where do I work? There's only four jobs. Yeah. The bank? It's like... Were you any good at maths? No. Too bad.

Well, I've told this before, but years ago when I did that Commonwealth Bank ad, and it was like, you know, it's an ad for a big bank that was on during the Olympics. So it was like, big fee. And my dad's bit of advice was like, when you're on set, if there's anyone from the bank there, you should ask them about jobs. I'm like, what do you mean? I'm telling you, I've got the role. I've got it. They're going to fly us to London and all this stuff. And he's like, no, you mean? I'm telling you I've got the role. I've got it.

They're going to fly us to London and all this stuff. And he's like, no, no, but after that, there's a Commonwealth Bank at the end of your street. Maybe you could work there. And I'm like – Maybe the director can get you a job there. I'm like, I'm earning what most people are lucky to earn in a year in like two weeks.

Like I'm not – this is a good like i've gotten something this is good because parents people never end people of that age you know that's they're hardwired to think of jobs like that do you think it's going to be the opposite like for for now where someone's going to go oh my kid one day will be like he's in a bank and it's like cool but make some tiktoks while you're in there yeah can't you walk into the background of an ad or something? Yeah, no, yeah. It's like it's my son being like, yeah, I've got this great job at one of the big accounting firms.

I'm set. I'm going to climb the ladder here. Oh, you'll be able to get some good content while you're there. Yeah, yeah. That'll be great for the podcast. Yeah, yeah. That'll be great for your podcast. And then that's going to...

You know, you could do some bonus episodes in the break room and put them on Patreon. Yeah, do you think you could get on YouTube and make a character of yourself? Billy Banks or something? By the way, I went to a Macca's recently that had a meeting room in it. Oh, yeah. That you could just rent. And it had a big boardroom-style table, big screen for you to jack in and do a presentation.

Oh, you can jack in in there? But completely like all glass. So you're in there having your meeting and not only- Can we do a podcast? Yeah, not only are you having your meeting in a McDonald's, but then everyone in the McDonald's can see you in there being like, what are these cunts doing? Can I guess where it was? No, I'm not going to guess.

You tell me. Fuck, where was it again? I'll have to double check exactly. You know where the head of McDonald's is in Melbourne, right? Yeah, isn't it next to the Smith Street one? Yeah. I actually weirdly only clocked out the other day because I think I was coming here. I was stopped in traffic and I just was I just was like looking at the doorway.

Yeah. It's like, that's weird. They've got a little plaque on this door next to the McDonald's that says McDonald's. Oh, this is their head office. Yes. Their head office. I love that. Their head office actually has a McDonald's.

And also, you know, there's probably an argument to be made. One of the worst McDonald's there is. Yeah. Only because of the trade that comes in there. Of course. Yeah. The people that come in there. Of course, yeah. The people that come in there. Layout-wise, it's pretty cool.

It's fine. It's got that multi-level thing, but yeah, it's a swamp in there. Yes. It's a magnet for dead shits. Nana Wadding. The Nana Wadding. Wow. The Nana Wadding Maccas.

They've got a little meeting room. They've got this feature wall that's like a that no i think it was like a like they had like a library like a big wall that just had all these like books in it wow yeah books inside of mcdonald's yeah that's bizarre yeah i don't know i don't know that i guess there are those like are those ones where the person running that specific franchise can just sort of do what they want, which seems weird to me. What about this? When you think of McDonald's, they're the head fast food chain there is. In terms of I've got full respect for them because I think that organization would be run really extremely tightly. Oh, yeah.

There's so many stores and they're ultra professional. Every time anything happens, there's an answer, there's a structure, there's a reasoning behind it. But I would just love to see in comparison the way they run Red Rooster, something like that. Oh, yeah. It would just be so far fucking removed. You've just stumbled upon a great reality show idea

where you know how there's like undercover boss yeah where it's like the ceo is just like working the counter yeah you do like you sort of cross that with like wife swap right so the ceos of red rooster and mackers yeah they spend a week inside each other's organizations yeah and the red rooster guy is just like oh my god like i'm learning so much yeah and then meanwhile, the Macca's guys just in at Red Rooster going like, what in the fucking – how is this company still active? When do you guys start work? We started three hours ago. Yeah.

What the fuck? You've got – the doors are locked up. Why is there mayonnaise on the floor of the boardroom? There's not even a store nearby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that would be good.

Yeah. store nearby yeah yeah yeah yeah that would be good yeah or even just like also just like the heads of like the different um of like a maccas from say like japan coming over to here and like swapping over yeah and seeing how the institutions are run in like different parts of the world that would be very interesting as well having said that red rooster i mean we're completely up for a one thousand dollar sponsorship for the kosomo international podcast festival hey i'm a i'm i go back and listen through the archives of 698 other episodes there's multiple times of me on record saying i love red rooster yes and look i i i'm saying right now you you appear to be one of the poorest run uh fast food businesses i've ever seen yep um there's one one of the stores I go near all the time.

It's an absolute shit show. But I'm happy to have my mind proved wrong and turned around by $1,000. Yep. And all of a sudden I'll be absolutely singing your praises. Yep. Yep. Happy to do it. But until then, yeah, a bit of a fucking bombsite, unfortunately, Mr. Rooster.

Yeah. But Jordan Banky. Bluey Rooster. Yeah. Jordan Banky, shall we say. Yeah. You know what I heard on the way here that I love? I was in an Uber and they had a bit of commercial radio on.

And I love when they do this. They're doing a giveaway on, I guess it's Kiss FM at the moment, where at a certain time of the day you can win Taylor Swift tickets. And it's like during a certain show you have to call in and they've got the tickets to give away. And so the mid-morning guy will just do a thing where he gets someone on the line to just promote that. Someone who's called in and is like, oh, g'day, Suzanne.

And she's like, yeah, I'm just really excited about these Taylor Swift tickets. He's like, yeah, I bet you are. Everyone wants these. So you've heard that we've got tickets to give away. And she's like, yeah, yeah, we tried to buy them and couldn't. And my daughter's desperate to go. Ah, well, you've called a bit early, Susan. You've got to call in for Kyle and Jackie Owen about six hours.

Just getting some poor cunt on the hook, just answering the phone and baiting them. How are you still able to do that? As an ad for the fact that if you call in later, even just getting through, your heart would be racing. You'd be like, why would they pick up the phone if I wasn't going to win? Do you know what I reckon? Do you know what i reckon do you know do you know i reckon that is that's something that's something i cop a bit of where it's like people will ring up and ask a question because of basement comedy club or whatever that

is like the answer is screaming at you in the face but you're like but the the punter is like oh i'll just see if i can be above the law here yeah that's someone probably ringing early going i've rung in six hours early can i have some free tickets they're like and they're like i'm so fucking sick of this happening you know what hey hold on the line i'm gonna make you an ad yeah i mean i yeah i've been annoyed by that as well it with shows in the past but then also as we've talked about before when you're on the other side of it it's like there's a concert that i want to go to in japan and there's like six different performances of it and it's not like you know it's not taylor swift this is a massive band it's like a jazz band and on the website it's like all sold out and i'm like this this absolutely cannot be the case yes there there must be a way for me

one person yes to be able to attend one of these six shows. Someone's not going to go. Someone's not going to turn up. There must be a way around this. There is a way around it. If I believe enough. But the way around it is not to ring up the ticket office that has a sign in front of their eyeballs that says sold out and say, you know how this says this, can it not mean it for me?

There's a way around it, but that's not the way. Yeah. Yeah. I think that is the clearest place that main character syndrome manifests itself. It's like, yeah, I know. Yeah. I know it's sold out. Yeah.

But I mean, I deserve to go. I'm going to go. I've probably said this on the show before but it is I love hearing it where I play a little game with people that ring up and go they go the show's clearly sold out

and I go hi and what are you after and they go oh you got a show tonight and I'm like yep and they go yeah so

yeah just after some tickets and I go yep have you checked the website and they go, yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think there was some sort of malfunction though or some sort of mistake. It says something like, oh, what was it again?

Sold out? It's in another language though. I couldn't really read it. I think that's Swedish or something like that. And then it was like, why are we doing this? Why are we doing this dance? You've got it right in there in front of you. No, but I'm different to all those other people that can't get tickets

because I really want to go. Yeah. And I'm me. The next concept is, I love this idea. They go, when people say, it says sold out, but do you save tickets for the door? Why would you do that? Yeah.

Why would you have them available for sale where I can have your money right now? Why would I risk tickets on the door? This thing I'm trying to get tickets to, the venue is like, it's kind of the worst of all worlds because you can, if you're not going, you can very easily get a refund. I think there might be some like law against like resale stuff in Japan. Cause like looking up, you know, Oh,

there are tickets on like a, their equivalent of Tixel. You just find nothing. I can't wait for you to be on Japanese gum tree. Yeah. Those things don't exist. Like you look it up and you just can't find anything. And I think as a result,

venues are like, if you're not, if you can't come fine, just we'll take the ticket back get your money back and so on their website they're like um there's no wait list but we we update it that you you can click on a thing and just see like if any of those six performances have tickets available right and they're like we update that live as new tickets come back in so it basically is just means that if it pops into your head,

oh, yeah, let me just hop on the website and see if randomly anyone's refunded their tickets and there happen to be three available, which is kind of just put me on a wait list and tell me, hey, you're 20th in line for one, so you're probably not going to get in. Yeah. As a guy on the other side of it, I'm like, I love that idea.

That's great. It's like, oh, my God. And then you sort of go, how worth it is, like, how much of my time do I devote to just getting on this website dozens of times a day and refreshing the list before I just go, hey, you know what? I'm in another country. I can do anything that night. Yeah, yeah.

Literally anything I go and do is going to be exciting because I'm overseas. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough to wonder whether – is that the fairest way of doing things? I don't really know. But it kind of – it feels like the fairest way of doing things and then absolutely the not fairest way of doing things in the same way. Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're devoted enough you'll get in

so that's kind of fair but then it is also like total luck. Yes. But yeah, anyway. Keep me in your prayers, folks. Yeah, yeah. Is there any,

yeah, there's, I'm sure you've, you've racked your brains of ways of doing it. There's no like Facebook fan groups or anything you can... No, but like weirdly

they're still like constantly putting ads up for the gigs on their socials like the venue and so to me that was just like really rubbing it in being like hey guys only two weeks to go it's like yeah who cares it's sold out yeah so i like i dm them and i was like hey are they going to be any more tickets released at any point yeah and presumably the person who runs the account doesn't speak English and has just seen that and gone, what the fuck's this? Yes. Fuck off.

Yes. Good for them. Well, thanks, Jordan Banky. Thanks, Jordan. If that is your real name. Banksy. Let's just do one more. Here we go.

Number five for this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber oh hang on I've just got to figure out their first name I can see what the rest of it is yeah yeah Mr Comedy it says here

I've just got to figure out the first name oh right first name is let, right. First name is... Let's see if I can pronounce this properly. Worcester, Melbourne? Worcester, Melbourne. Worcester, Melbourne. Worcester, Melbourne. Worcester, Melbourne.

Right. Mr. Worcester, Melbourne Comedy. Worcester, Melbourne Sparky Comedy. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Hyphenated, 9.30 everynesday in april okay all right so comedy so someone with the surname comedy married um someone with the surname 9 30 p.m wednesdays yes in april yes that's right they didn't want to they take it they hyphenated it yeah and when

they so when they go and play you know soccer or whatever and they get their squad number, they have to have everything in five point. Their surname is five point. It's stretched around the number nine or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. A bit awkward, but it's pretty cool. All right. Well, it's bedtime for me.

Yeah. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for supporting the show, littledumbdumbclub.com. And we'll see you next time. See you, mates.