The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 705 - Live! Tom Gleeson, Mel Buttle & Cameron James

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

We're back LIVE from the Basement Comedy Club with TOM GLEESON, MEL BUTTLE and CAMERON JAMES! The pressure is on as we discover some random punters have turned up to the gig, we recap the Worst of Melbourne Comedy, there's been security issues at the venue, and we have the latest instalment of Karl doing you-know-what in public. PLUS it's week two of Abhishek's residency! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with guests Tom Gleeson, Mel Buttle and Cameron James. If you enjoy this, you can come and see, you have two more chances to come and see us live in Melbourne the next two Saturdays, April 13, April 20. Then of course we are in Brisbane. That's right, we're in Brisbane. What date's that, Tommy? May the 18th. Wow. Saturday, May the 18th. Good memory. And then, of course, the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, June

9 until 14. Lovely, and this is a cracking episode. Let's get stuck in. Enjoy this. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. Enjoy Tom Gleeson, Mel Buttle and Cameron James. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dassler. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good to be here. Welcome, everyone, to the worst of Melbourne podcasting. It's awesome to be here. Second week of our run here at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We got reviewed last week, Carl. We had a guy in here who reviewed us on his blog.

I won't read the whole thing. Blog. Just one step up from podcasting. I'll read this bit from the very end. This is the end quote of the review. Overall, this was a fun show and good to come into if you have a show earlier in the night and want to meet up for a drink beforehand. The Little Dumb Dumb Club are even funny over DMs

as I talked to them after the show and I think it was Tommy that said he saved a few bucks by jerking off during my curry. Five stars. So, good shit. Well, you missed a bit of context. He said he was going to a Thai restaurant. And it was also you.

Yes. Anyway, he did us the pleasure of posting that review in the Melbourne subreddit. Any fans of the Melbourne subreddit in tonight? All right, so that's paying dividends. Great stuff. Who went to the worst of Melbourne comedy, the first one? Not that many.

All right. But that means there was a lot of people that went to the worst of Melbourne comedy but aren't going to our podcast. Absolutely perfect. There were a few randoms in up the back. I did hear there was some... And also I feel like, is there people in here tonight that have never listened to this podcast before?

Yes. So keen to distance herself from all of you. Yeah. It's easy to find the one woman in here. Cool. Oh, I heard a female voice. It wasn't Tommy that said yes, was it? No. I'm Tommy, by the one woman in here. Cool. I heard a female voice. It wasn't Tommy that said yes, was it? I'm Tommy, by the way.

Got him. I like to jerk off over curry. For context, it was a Thai restaurant. Have you been dragged along by someone? No. Just brought a drink. You just came into this podcast for a drink. This is not what this podcast is.

It's not a watering hole, it's content. Okay? Are you with the person next to you? Yes. Okay, so you have been dragged along. Alright, you guys are fucked. Wait, and so do you listen to the show? You. Yeah, you guys are fucked. Wait, and so do you listen to the show? You.

Yeah, you. No, no, you. The guy who talked initially. This is the continuation of the conversation. This is not a freshie. Sorry, I know you guys are just here for a drink, but if you can answer the major D here, that'd be great.

Are you sure you're not fans of housekers? Woo! The Hay Mater D. So, man that we talked to five seconds ago, we're still on you. Have you listened to this show before? No. No, right.

So you two are together and you've just wandered in here. Yeah, yeah. No. That's why I'm here, to come to your festival. Some say she still hasn't. So why did you come in here? What attracted you to come to this show? You needed to fill time. Cool, right. Yeah, great. There we go. Hey, us too.

And that ate up three glorious minutes. That's a better review than what we got on the blog. I needed to fill time. Fuck yeah. That's great. Well, guys, what are you doing Wednesday night at 9.30pm? Because there's a show on called The Worst of Melbourne Comedy. The worst of Melbourne comedy. The worst of it. That's good.

To be fair, you're a big chunk of this, so a lot of this is on you. Genuinely, so far, I think it may have been better than this. So yeah, it was a great night for the four of you that turned up. Yeah, for all of you that didn't come

and some of you who don't even know who the fuck you're looking at at the moment. Yeah, it was great. So I think a lot of people were confused and thinking it's going to be just genuine over-micers. But, of course, it was me and Tommy, so you were right. No, it wasn't bad over-micers. It was like a bunch of us doing characters and all that sort of stuff. And it was a heap of fun.

You hosted as Gary Chook. Yes. And I got to witness a beautiful scene where about ten minutes before the starting time, you're in your full Chook get-up with your hair all gelled up and a T-shirt from a Thai restaurant and a necklace on. And you start pacing around backstage and you're like, Fuck! Ah, fuck it! Fuck! Fuck!

And I'm like, what's wrong? What's the matter? And you go, I've forgotten my props. Yeah, I forgot CD cases. And I'm like, where can I get CD cases at 9.30 on Wednesday night? And he's like, nowhere. And then I asked the bar and they had five. So yeah, we had a bunch of different people on. Yeah, mostly doing characters and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damien Power got on and did a character that was... How would you call it? It's not brownface or blackface, it's mongface, I think. I think that's... He did it, not me! In answer to your question, that's not how I'd describe it. A, yeah, mentally handicapped young man, I guess you could say he was playing.

And that was a bit of the theme of the night, making fun of the intellectually disabled, because I came out and did a character called Carl Chandler. Good shit. So I did a character called Carl Chandler. Good shit. So I did the character of Carl Chandler. I came out in pyjamas and I read out your one-liners and then I had a different fart sound effect after every one. And then every fifth line or so I would just say things like,

I think Bill Cosby was innocent. And then later on, yeah, we found out there were just actual randoms up the back who were talking about like, oh, yeah, that bald guy was a bit weird. So, like, with no context of, like, that's me making fun of my friend, I love the idea that I run into one of them in the street and they're like, hey, man, pretty dodgy stuff you were saying up there on Wednesday night. I mean, duck sandwich was good, but that stuff about Epstein was a bit weird. So during the day, I'm sitting there and I'm like really stressing over the

type of fart sound effect that I was finding and the actual pacing and ordering of them and then I get a text from Tom Ballard saying hey I'm doing the worst of Melbourne comedy next week. What do you think of this idea for a fucked bit? I get introduced as Carl Chandler and I come

out in pyjamas and I read out his one liners and I write back and go I'll tell you what I think of that. I think I'm currently working on that exact bit right now. I'm currently in the change rooms of Peter Alexander. And he calls me up and he's like, that is so fucked. What the fuck are you talking about? And I go, I'm talking about what you're talking about. The exact same thing that you're planning on.

But I think he should just do it. I think he should do it next week. i think we should have a car every week like like like you're like you're dr who just a different person in the pajamas playing you every week yeah yeah a real lord of time um time wasting um because we had a great performance last week from Abhishek Mishra. Yeah. So he made an appearance. He did a stand-up set.

And it was great because he got halfway through his set and someone heckled him and went, just do the sperm bank bit, mate. And he goes, and he had to go, I can't. Carl told me not to. can't. Carl told me not to. I did see at one point he said a line that didn't get much and he kind of cracked. He went, what do you want?

This is the worst of Melbourne comedy. Good shit. Yeah, and like we said, he did messages after the gig and went, man, this is the best gig I've ever done in my life. I should be paying you. Thank you so much. So he's coming back soon, tonight. So he'll be up later on.

Yeah, he started to tell us. He's like, oh, and I'll work on the Spoonbank bit and add new bits. And we were like, oh, no, you fucking will not. Mate, you don't see anyone going into the Louvre and touching up fucking Mona Lisa, right? Leave it as is. How we going, guys? What are your thoughts so far? Yeah, thumbs up and a nod of the head.

Alright, well, yeah, let's get our guests out here. Guys, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Mel Buttle, Tom Gleeson and Cameron James, have you put Tommy's pyjamas on over the top of your street clothes well I just saw I thought it was going to be original bit to come out in your pyjamas I didn't realise everyone was doing it I didn't know that fucking Australia's most famous gay comedian

was going to do it and Ballard as well what do you reckon that's good stuff that's good by the way when I used to wear the pyjamas doing stand up this is the exact same way I would do it What do you reckon? That's good stuff That's good That's good By the way When I used to wear the pyjamas

Doing stand up This is the exact same way I would do it I would have like Heaps of clothes on underneath as well And just sweat the fuck So keep them on Keep them on

I hate it Let's see how you go under these lights I hate it so much already I had to wear my shirt Actually Mel suggested it She was like Wear your own shirt underneath it

you're going to want it after about five minutes you're going to hate being Kyle up there how does it feel having the Joker makeup on yeah

from now on call me Chandler great great well it's good to know that I'm getting laughs but not me so

thanks guys thanks for coming thanks Mel thanks Tom Great. Well, it's good to know that I'm getting laughs, but not me. So... Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming. Thanks, Mel. Thanks, Tom. Welcome back. Thank you. Been a while. You've been out there doing much bigger shows than this. Yeah, I've been really busy being successful.

And I haven't found the time to lower myself to come back to this podcast. I mean, why am I here? To plug my shows? It doesn't make sense. I mean, I could hide this audience in my audience. I wouldn't know where you are. Come along tonight.

I won't notice. Invite them all to hang out in your dressing room. Good. You could come in and just hang out with me and that would be nice because when you're at the top top you don't have friends anymore. So that would be nice. Because it's like even my... I knew you when you were in the middle

and that was the same then. Yeah, well, it's... Yeah, when you're at the top, all my friends are left behind because, yeah, it's hard to replace friendship with seething resentment. I'm talking about Hughsey, by the way. We're at Hughsey's venue, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. We could talk about Hughsey. I don't know if we ever talked about this, but we're still obsessed. I don't know if we talked about this, but ages ago on Facebook, you tried to post a thing going,

man, I'm with with you at a gig or whatever except an auto corrector and you're like hey everyone i'm with highway at a gig highway i know and i was just like trying to do something positive that my mum would see and then i'd be happy about and then immediately just got bullied the fuck out of youtube highway oh you're getting with Highway, are you? It was my gig that you were plugging. You were like, come on down, everyone. Highway's on.

And I was like, thanks for the plug, but who the fuck is Highway? Highway sounds like a Gen Z TikToker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. I love the world. Like, you know, we've already renamed, you know, Rove McManus John McManus. Yes.

I think he needs to now be... We did that. We renamed him. We renamed him. We renamed him John. Yeah. We brought him back. Yeah. So now Hughsey

just needs to be Highway. So whenever you see him, I want you to go Highway! That's so good. Rewrrow! That should be his catchphrase on stage

actually, after every joke. His breakfast show would be Highway Ed and Erin waking you up in Sydney. Wake up with Highway.

Last night I went to see Dave Highway. We're more tickled than you. Tune in to Dave Highway and Ed Carpool. Great show. Carpool's on.

Oh you coward. You coward. Carpool's on. Oh, you coward. You coward. Highway's losing it. It's so hot. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, you've taken it off to reveal a shirt that also kind of looks like pyjamas. So we're still in the clear. Yeah, you've gone from winter pyjama to summer pyjama.

I'll take the pants off next. Yeah, which comedian's this that you're taking the piss out of? Who's this now? Yeah this is, I don't know, who wears shit like this? Geraldine Hickey or any of the lesbians. Hannah Gadsby, Sarah Coombs-March. What's the common denominator with all those chicks? All crushes. Actually, did you swap costumes tonight before you went on? You and him? You've got a Chelsea shirt on and he's got... And he looks...

Gay. I'm dressed like a gay chick. Well, you know, they say you should dress for the job you want. Eating pussy. Subtle, subtle stuff. Good shit, isn't it? Good shit, isn't it, guys? Has it gotten better?

Oh, a little bit, a little bit. Do you reckon you'll ever listen to an episode of this when you get home? No. But just this one to hear yourself back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you won't, because we haven't mic'd you up, so suck shit. No, I hope all four women here have a good time tonight. back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you won't because we haven't mic'd you up, so suck shit. No, I hope all four women here have a good time tonight.

What have we got? What have we got tonight? You had something about highway, right? Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Highway. That reminds me about highway. So he's in this room, yeah, and he was here the other night and he went to go to the toilet upstairs before the show

and there's like security all around and he went to go to the toilet and he was sort of going backstage a bit in a show upstairs with Luke Heagy and there's a security guard at the toilet to stop anyone sneaking in to the show and everything and he said to the security guard, I'm just going to the toilet, I'm a performer so it's all good and the security guard goes i know who you are and you're not funny the security card of this venue yes wow a guy on the clock yeah

and he goes you know and he goes what and he goes you heard me double down he's like you're not funny and he goes mate i'm just trying to go to the toilet and he goes mate i'm just telling the truth and like he's like so thrown he's like you can't say that and he goes i just did you're not funny he goes do you know how much money i'm worth and he like literally spelled out how much oh yes wait and was the security guard spelled out how much money he was worth. Oh, yes. Wait, and was the security guard basically saying to him, you're not allowed to go into the toilet because you're not funny? No, just on the way, just to give him a bit of performance anxiety.

He goes, you're not funny. So then he's like, he goes, mate, I'm worth this much. And he goes, how do you think I got that? And he goes, I don't know, not comedy. I mean, that's fair. Real estate's making up a little bit of that at this point. And he just kept going at him and he usually had to go to the toilet. He's like, we'll continue this later.

And then he goes to the toilet and then comes back out and he's like, I've been thinking about it. What you said's not on. That's really rude. And he goes, it's just telling the truth, mate. Not funny. He just kept saying it. And then he goes, mate, you're being really rude. And he goes, you're being really rude and he goes get fucked man poor highway yeah it's crazy then he had to sort of tell me about it and then i'm like this is pretty funny but it's like you can't do it as part of your job so i had to like

tell people and whatever and then we come back the next day and went, are we all looking up to Husey tonight? And they're like, yeah, we sacked that guy. Oh, wow. Wow. Imagine getting sacked for saying, Husey, you're not funny. Yeah, well, this will make him love Husey, I'm sure. But also, imagine being security for a comedy venue where you see people walk into a sold-out crowd,

laugh for a whole hour, and then after that have the audacity to tell someone, you're not funny. That's fucking extraordinary. But also... I get like, you can't keep me out of your building, and I just walk straight in. Try to get something back on him. I love the argument that he's like,

oh, I'm worth fucking whatever it was, 10 mil plus or something, and then he's like, where'd I get that from? And he's like, I don't know, not comedy. We're from IT? he's like I don't know, not comedy. Where from IT? What's Uzi doing? Where did Uzi get that money from if not comedy? Male modelling? I can tell you where he didn't get it from

doing security at Morris House. He would not have got up doing that. That's a great instinct to go, this guy hates me. I know what will get him back on side. Telling him how much I'm worth. That's a great instance to go, this guy hates me. I know what will get him back on side. Telling him how much I'm worth. That's really relatable stuff. People love that kind of guy.

Actually, are you two bouncers? Because that's pretty much what you said to us about ten minutes ago. No? Okay, alright. Let's start again. Mel, you've got a kid. Nice one. Thanks, mate. Congratulations. Thank you very much. He's 18 months old.

He has red hair, I want to be honest. Because I know you were probably picturing a normal baby then when Carl started talking. There's a couple of people on this panel that would be very upset to hear that. No, I'm all good. You're good? That's true.

Sorry for hurting your ginger feelings, nerd. Can we check Gleeson's pubes for a second? I want to know... Do I identify as full redhead? Is that what you... Do I... What would you describe me as? I'd describe you as a beautiful strawberry blonde.

Thank you very much. Thank you. I go with whatever Mel says. You know, a light auburn. Yeah, thank you. Just to sanitise those terms down and make them more socially acceptable. Yeah, no one ever describes them as a fair redhead.

Strawberry blonde. It's like when someone's not funny, you go, yeah, they're a performer, yeah. No, no, no, they're a great bloke. Great hang. Oh, great hang. Loveliest, loveliest bloke you'll meet backstage. Where they belong.

Good for a lift. Always good for a lift. Have you had a birthday party yet? Yeah, we had a first birthday party for our kid, again, fucking disaster Because I put on the invite Partners and other, bring your kids, bring your partner But tell me

So I'd invited maybe 20 people And then somehow there were 80 people at my house I'd not catered for any of these assholes Harley Breen bought his 700 kids Like how did he get there? He doesn't have a car brain bought his 700 kids. How did he get there? He doesn't have a car. I don't know. His missus couldn't eat anything. Going through the compost out the back and

using the shower and stuff. Nice to meet a house with plumbing. Pointing at the cake that you haven't cut yet. Are you done with that? You've had birthdays Nice to meet a house with plumbing. Pointing at the cake that you haven't cut yet. Are you done with that? Yeah. You've had birthdays for Blanket? Yes. Yeah.

So we had one a few weeks ago. But we were like, so her birthday was the same week she started big grown up school, prep. Or whatever they call it now. She's on prep. What do they call it now? Big grown up school. PrEP. Is it still PrEP or not? But PrEP is also a medication you can take.

Yeah. Oh, what is it? What's PrEP? You don't know what PrEP is? No, no, no. He's straight. He's officially straight. It's big in the homosexual male community to allow sex to happen and prevent...

Oh, it's a yucky topic. Let's dive into it. What is it? No, but what does it do? It's for HIV prevention. Oh, is it? Yeah. Okay, well, it wasn't that.

So... I don't think. See, guys, it's educational as well. Sorry, Carl. By the way, in Victoria, it's called preventing HIV, but in New South Wales, it's called kindergarten. OK, so it was my kid's first day preventing HIV, and...

LAUGHTER Okay, so it was my kid's first day of preventing HIV. Her birthday is her second day of school. And so we were like, we wanted to have a party, but it's like, you know, she's moved on from kinder. So, you know, all her mates are gone. She's gone to a new school and it's like all new mates. And so we were like, oh, we'll have a party. But then we got told the advice is don't have a party and invite all the kinder kids, because they're

never going to fucking see each other again. Burn those kids. They're gone. They're fucking gone. This is the future. You're new mates at preventing HIV. Don't call back to it, I reckon, in the middle of the... Now that you're in the story about school, don't call back to the

AIDS thing, I reckon. From before. That's the first one. They go, don't do that. That's the past. Forget those kids. You've left them behind. You've got to make new mates at the new school. So what you do is you don't tell the kid

that it's their birthday until a month later, then have the birthday a month later. Invite all the kids once they've got to know each other at school and then have the party then so then we're like okay so we're not telling a kid that it's her birthday okay and so with the whole build-up you know like christmas and everything you're always like oh 10 days to go nine days to go the birthday's coming up we're just saying nothing and then it got to her birthday and i had it and it was like second day of school and i had a panic attack in the morning because i was like fuck did i glimpse a calendar in prep yesterday on the wall are the kids gonna know it's her birthday so then at like 6 a.m i got

up and went to safeway went to coles and did our birthday shopping so that when blanket woke up at 7 we're like surprise it's your birthday and she's like what? Yay frozen peas just what I wanted. I love you dad. Have a bit of here you go some home brand fish fingers. Happy birthday. Happy 5th birthday.

So we did this like literal surprise birthday party at 7am until 8.30 then brought her to school and I'm like holy fuck I've never been so relieved because we got in there and they all went oh happy birthday blank and I'm like imagine if she'd walked into that yeah

without her parents saying a word how was school today ah it was my birthday dad what did you learn at school well I learnt that I'm 5 How was school today? Ah, it was my birthday, Dad. What did you learn at school? Well, I learned that I'm five. Yeah, we were like an hour away from that happening. And she just got what was on the reduced to five bucks and less trolley.

That's what she got for her birthday. Just whatever was in her style. That's like, if that had happened, that's absolute core memory shit that she's working through at age 21, I reckon. That's festival show shit. But you're a bloody good dad, Kyle, to do that. A lot of dads will be like, oh, well. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but when she gets home from school,

I guess we'll have a little party or something. But no, you did it. You got up early. Yeah, I was the one who a little party or something. But no. You did it. You got up early. Yeah, I was the one who didn't sleep in and went to Coles and got it. So what's wrong with you? I mean, my wife only gave birth to her, but I got up and went to Coles. Yeah. Five years later.

That does sound like the missus' responsibility to do that, but it's different in Queensland. Look at that. Spotted one. Oh! Oh, she's obviously not joking. Fuck, I'm... I'm never listening to this podcast again, or I never have before.

Fucking not a peep on HIV, but... Yeah. She obviously skipped prep and went straight to grade one. I know how hard it is being a mum. Imagine trying to do it with another Sheila. Anyway. I was about to say, care to elaborate? A lot of talking. Anyway, it's good.

Sorry to trigger someone in Melbourne. Couldn't see your blue hair from up here. Fuck, I'm in a a mood I think I'm hungry Anyway The Queenslander's coming out What's your favourite race Cameron? Great question This will be good

This will be positive Favourite I think the safest way to do it Is to narrow down by what races are in the room. And I think I'll go around and guess everyone. It's all positive. It's not about what you don't like. Just tell us your least favourite race to start with maybe. So we can count it down.

Process of elimination. Straight white men. Thank you very much. Nice. Yes. Put them in the bin. Put them in the bin. Put them in the bin. This guy gets it.

This guy gets it. Well done. Hang on. That's not what we are. We're not a race. We're the default setting. Everyone else is a variation on us. I know I'm a TV host.

You just... That's what all TV hosts are and then there are other ones. And I think it's very big of you to every now and then allow some of the other ones to have a go. I think that's really nice. Well, we have a meeting. I get together with Eddie McGuire and Andrew O'Keefe.

He's in the meeting. He's in the meeting. He's still in the meeting. Yeah, Grant, Daniel, we all get together and we decide who gets a quiz show. Every now and then we give one to a lesbian like Magda and it doesn't work out. Didn't work out at all.

Andrew O'Keefe. We should get him back on. I know. Our mate. He was on once. He was on once. Yeah, he was on once. You could get him back on,

but he might chew the top off the microphone. Man, he had a red hot... The band, he was here. He did our show. The Logies were the night before and he came in hot and he had not been to bed.

He was in the same suit but with foot long sweat patches. He was fucking cooking. And his mate from Neighbours came along and sat in the audience and heckled us. Yes. And this is the same Andrew O'Keefe

that's currently in prison? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, we should have stopped him. You could have said something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to your intervention. It's in the

basement comedy club. And we've got a live audience. And a bar tab. Yeah. That was the gateway drug was hanging out with Blair from Neighbours. Oh, it was Blair.

Former Big Brother. Yes. Who did he have sex with on Big Brother? He rooted someone on air. Sorry, the only things I've ever jacked off to are Big Brother up late

in 2005 and 2006. Which ones? You know. Crystal? Yeah. This is like Venom. The pyjamas are seeping their way into your brain. We're having a pyjama meld.

What was so special about Crystal? I could think of two things. Eyes. Sorry. It was a different time. Mel, just to fill you in, when a man loves a woman very much, what he does is he looks at an image of her on his computer.

Mel, you wouldn't get it. We get really horny about chicks. Not sure. I do as well but then I just want to buy a house with them and two rescue dogs it's lesbian foreplay

right 100% buy a property buy too many dogs have a red headed baby oh fuck I've known you for four years mate

alright nah it's going really well anyway have a red-headed baby. Oh, fuck. I've known you for four years, mate. All right. No, it's going really well. Anyway. How is it going? Good. Yeah? How's motherhood? Don't fuck, don't.

I just want to talk about Cums with the Boys for once. All right, all right. This is maybe the fourth time in a row every time I ask you to do this show, you write back and you go, yes, I'd love to be there to talk cums with the boys. Boys like, we're more than that.

And then within like five seconds, we're just talking about jism. Here we are. And dropping in, in the middle of the episode, for a little plug, brought to you, this ad is brought to you by the Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room. Well, because we are specifically talking right now, of course,

about the Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room presents the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival. Big news, Tommy. Sold out. Yeah. It's happened. We have sold out an entire resort. Yep.

June, what was it? Two till? Nine. Nine till 14. Nine till 14. Nine till 14. Okay. It's hard to remember the dates. As if you're not repeating this to yourself every night before bed.

No, no, no. I'll be there three times before then. That's ages away. So that's awesome news. Massive that we completely have filled an entire resort full of you people. Thanks for doing all that sort of stuff. Sorry to people who missed out

or let us know. Maybe we can work on a second. Well, look, there has been people hitting us up, so maybe we can work on a second resort.

Let's see. So that's awesome news. That's going to be massive. All of our guests will line up, of course. That's Cameron James, Harley Breen, Danielle Walker

and Brett Blake. Live podcast, live stand-up, bits of music, drinking, eating, Pig Island. Pig Island. What else is there? What else could you want? What else do you need after Pig Island? Exactly.

We should combine them all. Man, we should be doing live from Pig Island. We should. Yeah, well, have we talked about this before? I wonder what the power setup is over there. Yeah. Are they on or off the grid? Yeah.

You know what I love about those islands is that, like, say Copenhagen, there's, like, times where I've been there where they go, oh, yeah, the power's off. And you go, what does that mean, the power's off? Yeah, the power's off the whole island. Yeah. How does that work? Oh, well, the pipe that goes under the ocean that goes to this island

isn't working. Yep. Okay. Yep. That's just a smaller version of what it is everywhere. God, it's so good. Yeah. But yeah, there's still live Melbourne shows to go, of course, guys.

There's the April 13th, there's April the 20th, and then Brisbane. Get on it. It is one show only. It is not a massive, massive room, but it's May 18, and great guests lined up for that. Yep. Come and check all that out. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Come and check all that out, littledumbdumbclub.com. And now, on with the show. Should I?

Well, I'll tell you about this that happened, I think, two weeks ago. This is back in the Dumb Dumb Wheelhouse. So I was walking. So I walked here from my house. It's about 5K. So I walked here, and I did this a couple of weeks ago, and I was walking in. And people that listen to the show know I had a, my choice of drug in lockdown was high fibre bread. And so for you guys in lockdown, I ate a lot of high fibre bread.

I didn't know it was high fibre. I would just eat all these loaves of bread and then it would, about eight hours later, I would violently shit myself. But a lot of the times I was out on a run, I was like going for a run and I'd go, this feels really weird. And then I would shit myself and, and I didn't figure it out for about three or four months. And I was out on a run, I was like going for a run and I'd go, this feels really weird and then I would shit myself. And I didn't figure it out for about three or four months. And I was just doing it constantly. It was a tough time. Well, a lot of people were baking bread

I was just eating bread. You were baking a loaf as well. I wish I was pinching it. I was just fucking My favourite bit of the story is, unbeknownst to me, this bread was high in fibre. Man, I literally had a sticker that big on it and I overlooked it. It was just fucking my favourite bit of the story is unbeknownst to me this bread was high in fibre. Man I literally had a

sticker that big on it and I overlooked it. So anyway so I figured that one out so it sort of stopped but I've got a new bakery near my house and it's fucking great and I found out

recently there's no sticker on the bread but it is still extremely high fibre. So I was walking here a couple of weeks ago Don't read ahead

I think even those two cubs can read anybody. We're turning to each other like I wonder what's going to happen We better quickly listen to the podcast and so I was walking in and I was talking to a friend of the show Milan who's here, if you don't know Milan put his name on a t-shirt and you will sell anything you want so I was walking in and I was talking to a friend of the show, Milan, who's here, if you don't know Milan. Put his name on a t-shirt and you will sell anything you want.

So I was walking here and I was talking to him on the phone and the whole time I got close and I was like, fuck, something feels weird. And it was about six o'clock at night and I was like, oh, this feels familiar. And I was like, oh, I'll hold on. And then I got to like near Parkland. I was like, I am I'll hold on. And then I got to, like, near Parkland, and I was like, I am absolutely not going to make it. Parkland. And it's daylight. It's completely daylight.

Like, what's the name of that park that's close to the city? It's not Fitzroy Gardens. What's it called? Whatever that bit is. Sorry? Treasury. Treasury. Treasury Gardens.

I was going to say, that's... I didn't walk through the Treasury. It was... Okay, right. So, Treasury Gardens? I was going to say, that's... I didn't walk through the Treasury. It was... Okay, right. So, Treasury Gardens. So, I got to that and I was like, it's going to blow. I can't...

I can't... I'm not going to make it to shit at the basement. So... And I was still talking to Milan and I'm like, not saying anything that's happening. I'm just like... I'm just sweating bullets and going, what am I going to gonna do and i get into the park and because it's like you know it's like taking a piss where you can just go behind any tree like i was like oh this is easy

it's park but then you start to go but where do i do it like where where can i take a shit in a park in a toilet great point cam just quickly because you're wearing the pyjamas, that's you. Yeah. That's me. So I'm like, what? Man, you try. If you need to take a shit, walk through a park and you'll see what I mean. It's trickier than it seems.

Just try to take a shit, guys. I dare you. Yes. Treasury Gardens is going to be packed after this gig. That's what they're killing time until. Go on the Chandlerler reality tour find out one guy's heading off right now i gotta i gotta beat the rush this is like leaving the concert before the encore once you get there ring me you've got my number and let me know how it goes so i'm walking through there and i'm like looking around looking at trees going i can't do it behind a tree i like what do i do and so i'm walking and there and I'm like looking around looking at trees going I can't do it behind a tree like what do I do

and so I'm walking and I'm like right it's actually going to happen like I was I think I had that calmness where I read about when people are going to die and I just get serene

and I go yeah I am going to shit myself and it's like it's really violent it's like it's not just like I'm going to poo in my underwear and I'm going to chuck them away

this is going to stain my jeans forever and I'm going to chuck them away. This is going to stain my jeans forever and I'm going to walk into the city with half brown, half blue jeans. You'd still come into the city. Wouldn't turn around. The show must go on.

Dwight, I can't get on a tram. The worst of Melbourne comedy must go ahead. The people need Chook now more than ever. These two who don't know who I am need me. Well, I'm not going to get on the tram and I'm not going to walk home with shit all through my jeans for four kilometres. So I'm like, fuck, what if...

So I'm just like, okay, this is going to happen. And then I see this massive bush and I'm like, fuck,'m just like okay this is gonna happen and then i see this massive bush and i'm like fuck i've got to get we're on here yeah i've got to get an answer but then weirdly i was like right where's my way in where's my way into this bush and then i found this like little like little entrance but then there was like super weirdly there was just a guy sitting at the front of the entrance to the bush. Like he was the bouncer to the bush. He's like, Hugh, he's not funny. Before I let you shoot in this bush, I'm going to need to know how much

you earn. From before. So I'm like looking at this bouncer of the bush and I'm like, and I'm still talking to Milan, I haven't mentioned a word of any of this. And I'm like, fuck, and he's like saying all this stuff and he's like, are you listening to me? And I'm like, sort of. I'm like in a different dimension.

And then I'm like, so I see the guy and I go, fuck, I don't know what, like how do I talk to him? How do I go, can I please use your bush? So I see the guy and I go, fuck, I don't know what... Like, how do I talk to him? How do I go, can I please use your bush? Why is it not going through your brain to say to Milan, can I just call you back in a bit? I'm sort of in the middle of something right now. I'm in the mindset of, like, how do I shit in a bush?

That's why. I'm not thinking straight. And you're trying to distract yourself too, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of that. And that's a nice way of saying I'm just a dumb fuck. I didn't think of that. But yeah, I honestly didn't think of that.

So then I go, I just go past the guy who's sitting at the entrance of the bush. And I just quickly double back. Like I just race around him and just jump into this bush. And it's like a little cubby hole. And I'm like, I go in there. I'm like, this is like, it's a cubby. Like and I'm like I go in there and I'm like this is like it's a cubby like someone's designed like this hole in the bush

to go in it's so weird like this is like a space that someone's designed to go in there this is like a story that a kid in prep tells at show and tell

on a Monday morning and then I went into a bush and there was a whole cubby house in there good story it's your birthday by the way so I go in there I'm still talking to Milan and I race in there and I'm like oh my god good story it's your birthday by the way so

I go in there I'm still talking to Milan and I and I race in there I'm like oh my god and I still talking to Milan yeah yeah

I want to know what this yarn that Milan is telling you where there's no gaps for you to get in what Milan what were we talking about thank god you stayed on Milan

because then I get in there There's like a log there And I go okay I sit down I drop my trousers And I'm like This is like Trousers

So formal Trying to add some My pantaloons Trying to add some class To the proceedings Descended towards the floor And I proceeded to Defecate

Defecate As it were descended towards the floor. And I proceeded to defecate. As it were. And so it's just like the worst thing I've ever done. Oh no, it's not my fault. I really tried to get in quick before someone said that. So then it's like, I turn around and I don't recognise what's come out of me like I don't remember

anything that's oh my god that was the weirdest looking thing I've ever fucking seen you're like that's the worst

of Melbourne comedy yes yes yes yes but as I'm sitting there then I start getting really fucking uptight

and really weird and then Milan's like what's going on and I go what what what are you talking about he's only just getting really fucking uptight and really weird and then Milan's like, what's going on? And I go, what? What? What are you talking about? He's only just he's only just clothed.

Yeah. He goes, what's going on? I go, I go, okay, I've got to come clean with you. For the last two kilometres I've been trying to find a place to take a shit and then about 15 seconds ago I found a bush and I went around a man and I jumped into a cubbyhole and I just took a shit.

And he goes, did you just take a shit when you were talking to me? And I went, yes. And he goes, well, why are you telling me that now? And I go, man, I'm really fucking worried. I'm really upset. I'm really worried. And he goes, why? And I go, because I'm in here and there's a guy,

there's a bouncer to this hole in a bush. And I'm like, what's he protecting? And I think I just found go because i'm in here and there's a guy there's a bouncer to this hole in a bush and i'm like what's he protecting and i think i just found out because i'm sitting in there and there's two bulging suitcases either side of me and i go milan i think i'm in between two dead bodies in a suitcase what should i do and he goes holy fuck you should get the fuck out of there and so i just pulled my pants up and i just ran out of this fucking bush and ran past the guy and just ran away without wiping my ass properly and i'm like what the fuck oh it's like you know when people like chop up a body and they stick them in a suitcase and hide them yeah two of them in a shitty bush. And your DNA all over the fucking crime scene. Yeah.

Because he goes, you should go back there. I'm like, I've left evidence everywhere. They're going to think I'm a serial killer. That his motif is he takes a big shit at the scene of the fucking crime. Oh my God. I think let's be clear. It's clearly somewhere where someone homeless is living. Yes.

And what you have done, Carl, is you have left your house that has a bathroom, walked through a park, found a homeless man's bush and shat in it and then left. That's a fucking outrage. You owe him a shit. You have to go and find him and let him shit in your toilet. At least once. You've taken a shit in this homeless man's living room and then gone, I think this freak killed a man. I see what's happened here.

I really didn't think of that. I thought of it as soon as you said there was a man waiting outside of the bush. I thought, it's his fucking bush. It's clearly his bush. He's like, why is this person walking into my bush? Fuck, I really did. Let us not forget this moment. This is the moment that Carl realises

he shat in a homeless man's bush. Well, look, I don't owe him a shit in my toilet. I owe him a shit in my lounge room. Yeah. Yeah. No, look, I mean, this over 15 years of knowing Carl, this is like, this is what I'd expect, you know, not being able to put that together.

Milan, what the fuck's wrong with you? You're enabling this. Both of you thought it was a dead body in a suitcase. Yes. But you know what? I'll drop a pin. I'll let everyone go and have a look. I was like...

Yeah. Someone else go and find what's in the suitcases. Like, ignore the mess in the lounge room, but... I can tell you what's in the suitcases. Like, ignore the mess in the lounge room, but... I can tell you what's in the suitcases. The last of his belongings. But if he lives in the cubby, in the shit bush... I'm just saying that's coming from me and I have no empathy. I have none.

But why wouldn't he decorate the place? Why would he leave it all in the... Fucking hell. I mean, I did, but... Fuck, he thought he was sleeping rough before. I left him a housewarming gift. It was pretty warm. Yeah, so...

Don't! It's funny! Did you think to say to the man in charge of the bush, G'day, mate, you look like you know your way around here. Do you need public toilets in this park? No, no. Man, on my run out of there, I did notice one 50 metres away. I...

Yes. I didn't... And that's where the homeless man goes to the toilet. Yeah. And probably brushes his teeth and has a shave and then retreats to his bush. Only to find some heinous comedian shitting himself over a log.

I'm going to get such a bad review on Airbnb. I really had to keep this to myself because I used to live next door to that park and there's at least four public toilets in there. There's so many of them. I didn't see anywhere when I was in that mind frame. I just saw a man outside a bush and went, there's got to be something in there.

Oh, my God, Carl. See, that's what I felt afterwards. It's just exhausting. But Cameron, would you rather have that happen to you if you were the homeless man who lived in the bush or would you rather come dressed as Tommy tonight? It's tough, isn't it? It's tough.

It's tough to tell. I just can't wait till I fully merge with Carl and I start calling Milan while I'm shitting later on tonight. Well, where do you go from a story like that? And I think I know the answer. Should we get our next special guest out here? Yes, exactly. So, you know, there's a dearth of spots on all sorts of content like TV and radio

where you can do a five-minute spot for stand-up comedy these days. There's no more John Live. There's no more stuff like that where you can do comedy. John, yeah. From before. From before. Do we do that? Too quickly, by the way, we're a bit obsessed with, about 10 years ago

I saw Peter Hellyer do the first night of his stand-up show and he did a callback that didn't quite land and got silenced and then he kind of did this sort of awkward point back behind him and went, from before. And we talk about it a lot on this show. It's sort of like saying a callback. He just pointed into the past and said, it was from before.

And so we've gotten a bit obsessed with it. Tom Ballard is particularly obsessed with it and has sent me, Carl and Pete in a text thread multiple times of, there was a night the other night where he did a callback that didn't land and he said from before and it got a big response. And then he sent us this. Can we play this clip?

He sent us this from the other night. And I talked about it later on my podcast and those comments were then later picked up by news.com.au, which I happen to think is the finest journalist you have. Of course I think that. I'm the fucking moron. From before. From... fucking moron. From before. From before.

This is an in-joke from a podcast. How long were you sitting on that from a podcast? He got heckled with a from before which I highly encourage you guys

to do. Anyone you see that we know go into their festival show whenever they do a callback just yell yell out, from before. So Tom's been sharing all these with us, like I said,

in a thread with us and Peter Hellyer. Pete, not active in the thread at all. Yeah, hasn't done one mention. It's like, you're Frankenstaurant, this is your monster. Respond. Is the person who did that here, by the way? No? Okay. No.

Great. Probably guarding the bush in Treasury Park. From before. From before. Anyway. Did you say that when you looked at your shirt, by the way? No. It was a callback.

It was a barely recognisable callback. It didn't quite land. Oh, it landed. But yeah, there's nowhere on TV at the moment to do just an honest-to-God stand-up set. But last week we got a young comedian on called Abhishek Mishra, and he did a five-minute set.

And it went so well, we thought, not only will we get him back every week, but we'll get him back to do the same set every week. So he went, oh cool, I'll come back and do it and I'll just play with it a bit and go, no playing, do it. So please.

Can we get the same music for the West of Melbourne comedy please? No, for the stand-up set. Yeah, yeah. Please. The West of Melbourne one? Theup set. Yeah, yeah. Please. The West of Melbourne one? Pardon? The West of Melbourne one? The West of Melbourne one, yeah.

Is it... We got the... Yeah. Please. Please welcome to the stage Abhishek Mishra. This is... By the way, this is live from a bush just down the road. Every week from now on.

Every wake. Oh, this is our greatest creation. Oh, play the music again. All right. I have never done this good without speaking a single word. So I want to let you know how much I appreciate this. You guys are a beautiful crowd. And yeah, life's been going pretty good

so far. Especially last week. Last week's been pretty good. It's been really good. It's been so great. Only the best. But life is not always

good. It's full of ups and downs. Wouldn't you guys agree? Yes. And most of the time in my life it's mostly downs than ups. And when I'm down, I'm very bored, man. I'm just so bored out of my mind.

You know, when I'm bored, I like to go places I wouldn't normally go to. That's right. I am... Wait, is that time? All right, guys. That was... Wait, so I'm, yeah, I'm really bored. All right, guys. So I'm really bored.

I have started going places I wouldn't normally go to. So I decided to go to a bank. Yes. But not that one. Not the one you dirty-minded people are thinking of. I went to the one where you donate sperm, obviously. Cam, I told you it was going to be good. Yeah, and it was like a legitimate bank.

It was like a legitimate sperm bank. It wasn't just any like off the street or in like a homeless guy's basement or whatever. It was like a legitimate bank. It was like a legitimate sperm bank. It wasn't just any like off the street or in like a homeless guy's basement or whatever. It was like a legitimate one, all right? I want to make that very clear. And I walk up to the reception, and it's my first time. And then the lady, there's a lady. I didn't hear what he said. And there's a lady at the reception,

because remember, it's a legitimate place. Very legitimate. And the lady asked me... Sorry, Abhishek, you look like you're distracted by laughter. I am very distracted by laughter. That is true. Yeah, and then I walk up to the reception and the lady asks me, what is the purpose of your visit?

At a sperm bank. I thought there's only one thing I could be doing, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I asked her, what are my options? Man, you're killing, they've all heard this and you're still killing. This is great. This is great. What are my options and then she goes

well you can either donate a sample or you can purchase some are they really doing that I had so many questions you know and by the way I looked it up

the place is open Monday to Friday from 9 to 5 who the fuck is buying cum in the middle of the day who's taking time off work to go buy cum

this is his duck sandwich and so I have a lot of questions in my head but I don't want to ask her like you know straight away because I don't want to seem too keen on this purchase but I have so many questions like my head, but I don't want to ask her straight away. Because I don't want to seem too keen on this purchase. But I have so many questions. How do I even order it? Because I'm standing at the reception, but they don't have a menu with prices written on it. Or do they have a freezer where I walk in and I look around and I pick up a slab or something.

And what happens then? I've got to bring that slab out to the cashier? And the dude will be like... Just a tag idea. He could be like, just a pure blonde for me, thanks. Tag idea. Tag idea. Maybe like

they say have here or take away. You know. I am by the way I'm adding all that in my set. That's good. When you guys are here

next week I'm going to all those can be in my job. Good, good. And then you can go from before. From before, yeah. That's good.

That's good. That's good. Guys, please, don't hop in the time machine and squish a butterfly, okay? Don't. No, by the end of four weeks, we're going to have this fucking tight as a drum, this set. We are going to. We are going to. You know? I need this bit to blow up.

Anyways. up. Anyways. For our first time listeners over here, he does this set every week from now on, so come back. Yeah, I gotta bring the slab to the cashier and he's like, really dude, a slab? And I gotta be like,

well, you know, the long weekend's coming. Yeah, pretty good. I'll tell you what's coming all my friends and family will be there you know just thought I should stock up just in case because you guys are closed over the weekend so I'm not going to be able to come over

and pick up another slab or do they deliver it because then I've got to give them my address I'm going to be on some sort of register and pick up another slab. Or do they deliver it? Because then I've got to give them my address. I'm going to be on some sort of register for doing that. I'm pretty sure. The sperm buying register. Sperm buying register.

I don't want to be on that register. More importantly, here's why the parcel bothers me or worries me. Because I don't want to miss that parcel. They're going to leave that slab at the Australia Post store which I need to go later and pick up again during business hours. You can't say leave it outside. You don't want your cum going off. Exactly.

Exactly. Australia Post probably have a special fridge to secure my and then I gotta go there and he'll be like oh sorry just double checking what's in this parcel again gonna be like do you promise not to tell anyone at the church about this

what hang on the guy in the post office is talking to the church. Well, I'm just assuming he goes to the local church. Oh, right. Because none of us were doing that. You guys are not going to church? Yeah, but to be honest, I'm not going to church

either. I think this bit is set in a small town. That's what I'm picturing. And it has a church going to cherish either. I think this bit is set in a small town. That's what I'm picturing. And it has a church and a sperm bank. And a post office. I don't want to direct too much of a shit, but I think what you're trying to say is, please don't tell anybody,

but when you say church, it makes us go, oh, is this dude a big Christian or something? And that makes us feel triggered from people who live in Melbourne because that's not as woke as it could be. So you could say oh no, don't tell everyone at the farmer's markets. Yes.

That's good. This is good. That's good. This is a really good workshop session. Isn't it? I think we got the Like just the end I reckon we can nail this end And next week you'll

Be back here and really do well Yeah I mean I'm really hoping to win Raw next year Fuck yeah Right? Raw comedy What do you want to win that for? You're here

You've already made it That's it I feel like yeah That's true You've already made it Yeah That's true Is that the end yeah?

Yeah Yeah Yes Great set He made it. Yeah, that's true. Is that the end, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yes. Great set. Okay, guys, give it up for our favourite social experiment, Abhishek Mishra. That was great, man.

I like how we set this up. Like, yeah, there's nowhere to really, like, do stand-up on TV anymore, so this is our version of that. Imagine doing a gig on Rove back in the day in mid-set. He's like, you know what might work there? Yeah, yeah. That would be great. Yeah.

Carrie Bickmore from the news desk. How about you say you drink the cum? Tom, a few years ago you helped Grant Denyer get a Logie. What about Abhishek? He could go all the way next year, I reckon. Oh, yeah. I mean, well, yeah. He could go on Hard Quiz about sperm banks, but I don't think he'd go through too many rounds.

Yeah. I don't think he's... It would be tricky to get him the gold Logie, I think, because, like, Grant Denyer, he was... I probably pushed him from third place to first. Right. Maybe that's all I did. I have to push him into the TV industry.

Yes, exactly. Sorry, I have to push him into the comedy industry and then from there get him into the TV industry and then do that for ages. I mean, yeah, it's going to be very tricky because he's not white. So it'll be very, very tricky. Very tricky. not white.

It'll be very, very tricky. Very tricky. And this is Australia and we have to entertain the grocery buyers. I reckon by the end of this festival I'll be able to go on hard quiz with that sperm bank routine as my specialty subject. I know everything there is to know

about it. It's like a good album. There was little bits I didn't pick up last week. I was loving it. There was like in the little deep cuts in there. Absolutely. I reckon we got a little bit further into it than we did last time. I don't remember the church last week. Yeah.

Like a fine wine, hey, folks? Yeah. And, guys, if you come back next week and the week after, you can hear that bit two more times. How does that sound? So next year, applications open for Raw Comedy, which is obviously run by the Comedy Festival. Like an open mic competition.

Yeah, open mic competition. And so he should enter it. But your audience should go to all the heats and the final. Yes. And that would... Everyone else will not know what the fuck is going on. But also... You could stack the whole thing.

I like the idea that we're going to get these people who are going to hear this bit four times already what the fuck is going on? But also... You can stack the whole thing. I like the idea that we're going to get these people who are going to hear this bit four times already. We're going to encourage them to then go and listen to it another four times. No, but they will know where to laugh. You will know where to laugh. And as a group, like, because some of the gigs are a little bit bigger than this,

some of them are a lot bigger, and you will spread yourselves evenly. Every single audience member, you'll make sure you have two numpties between you who have got no idea what's going on. Oh, this is great. I'm going to get behind this. You have come alive describing this. I like how you're like, they'll know where to laugh.

Well, in comedy, you generally do. I thought your suggestion was going to be that all these people enter Raw Comedy next year and then you go to a heat and it's like 20 people, one after the other, all opening with, so I was at the sperm bank the other day. Yeah, they just come in and go, can we just go on before Abhishek? If we can just go on before him.

And at the end of every line, they go, from before. All right, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Big thanks Tom Gleeson, Cameron James, Mel Buttle. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Live from Melbourne, live from the Basement Comedy Club. Huge show, great guests.

Hope you enjoyed it. Part two, we're still auditioning the same person for the worst of Melbourne comedy, Abhishek. Yep. I think some of you maybe heard us talk about doing that on Talking Dumb Dumb last week and thought, surely they're not serious. And we're here to tell you we were and continue to be. He'll be back this Saturday, April 13. It is deadly serious.

It sure is. It's funny. It's deadly serious. It's funny to some of us. No, it's very, well, I mean, if it came, hopefully it came across, but I have never laughed that hard in my entire life. Yeah.

And I should have given a bit better commentary during the show, but it just hit me. Everything hit me at once of how insane this idea is. Yeah. That it just got me right in the, right between the rib cage. Yeah. And I could not help myself. I'm like, this is the funniest thing I've ever been part of. Yeah.

Do you think, what do you think your response is going to be this week for the third time? I could see this week being the dip and then week four coming back in a big way. Maybe. Maybe. We better workshop something. Because I thought last week would be the dip. Why? We've already worked.

There's no notes. No, no, no. We're going to hold this set. We don't need anything else. There's been a few people going, oh, we were weird about this idea or whatever. Like, you know, is this bullying or whatever? Let me repeat. Straight after the gig, Abhishek has messaged me to say,

please let me know if I'm still good to do the same set again next week. Smiley face. Directly after the gig. Really good stuff. And he said to me, like afterwards, he goes, man, I thought last week was good. But I think this week might have been better. Yeah.

I think we got to brace him for the potential dip this week. No, you know what? I think he got a bit worried during that set this week that people had heard it and whatever. And he wasn't as front foot. I'm going to train him up. He's going to be more front foot this week. It's going to be better. I think it's going to be better this week.

Well, what I did like that we got further into the bit, because I feel like the first week we cut him off before the end of the bit. I feel like he had way more in the tank, so to speak. And this week I think we got a little more. So I'm excited to maybe see where the bit actually is going to end up. I hadn't heard the church bit before. Exactly, yes, exactly. That was new.

New to us. Yeah, well, someone accused him of changing the set, but I think we just heard more because we're interrupting more the first time. And he's, you know, he's working on the fly with what we're chiming in with. And our guests weren't interrupting because I was like being nice, normal people that weren't jumping in on some young open mic. I don't know that we gave them a full amount of context of what was going to be happening with that.

Yes. So I did, someone was taking pictures and showed me pictures of how of what was going to be happening with that. So I did someone was taking pictures and showed me pictures of how much I was loving it and how much I was laughing but then they were showing me pictures of like Gleeson was laughing seemed to be laughing just as much but without the context of what was going on.

He hadn't heard it twice before like me but anyway. Who would have thought it took us this long to work out the easiest way to write stuff for these festival shows is to just have one idea and do it every week really takes care of a lot of some could say we've been doing the same idea every week for 14 years oh absolutely but convinced but still like rewriting it out like idiots instead of just getting one random guy to come and do the same thing god God. One of our better ideas, honestly. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. This is so good. You know what it is? It's a real example of work smarter, not harder. Don't sit and write a rad dad every week. Just get this guy to come in. Write one thing ages ago and just come in and press play. Yeah.

Yeah. Good stuff. You know what this is it's also part i've had an idea before where i've there's been stories i've told on this pod where i felt like at the time they weren't truly appreciated we have we had the wrong guests on yeah and i felt like if we'd had the right guests on they would have riffed on it even better yeah yeah this is what this is the perfect thing yeah we've got this. Let's just see what all these different guests do with it every week. It is like I made a reference to it during it, but it truly is like the butterfly effect.

He comes in every week. He gets the do-over. He gets to like, what if you could go back in time and change history? Well, he gets to do that. He gets to be on a slightly different version of the podcast every week. I can't wait for this to get around the open mic scene and for people to be applying next season, next year. Can I come on and do the same dog shit five every week?

Yeah, next year it's us with the same eight open micers every week. And there's no content from us in the show whatsoever. Right, right. Heaven. It's just us hosting the gala every week. Yeah. Every week. Yeah, yeah.

Those pyjamas that Cam wore that I talked about me wearing for my version of you in the Worst of Melbourne Comedy, they've now just become my regular pyjamas. Okay. Because, yeah, it's gotten colder here and I didn't have any winter pyjamas

and I wore them to bed last night. Yeah. So they've completed their journey from comedy to podcast to beddy-bys. From work clothes, you've taken them home from work, got something out of this podcast finally. I also forgot to say, so I taped my special at the end of last year and then I haven't done stand-up in a little bit. And the first time I've done, it's depressing to me

that the first time I've done stand-up to me that the first time i've done stand up in three months is as you yes yes and also what i liked was watching you they're going oh and it clicked with me and i'm like oh you've been watching my you've youtubed me and had to watch a set and had to go fuck i'll have to sit there and learn his jokes no i did a bit of a mix i kind of i wrote down as many as I could remember from the top of my head, and then I loaded up your Just For Laughs just to plug in a couple of gaps. But I was able to get quite a few down just from memory. Right. The image just came into my head.

I'm like, you've been sitting there this afternoon, playing and rewinding a set on YouTube. No, no. Actually, believe it or not, it's more just remembering the jokes that exist. Yeah, yeah, no. Actually, believe it or not, it's more just like remembering like what the actual, like the jokes that exist. Once I have the headline, I can remember the whole joke. Right, right, right. Truly what I spent the most amount of time on was finding all the fart sounds and getting them in the correct order for the set and picking out the right ones. That was where the most amount of time went.

Right, right, right. Worst Melbourne comedy. Yeah, hey, it's on for the next two weeks. If you're hot off the press listening, it's on tonight. That's the worst bit. You do it the first one, it's like, all right, well, we'll talk about this on the pod. You know, that's something worth doing. You now have to do it two more times just for the love of the game.

I know. Nothing to be said about it on the pod. We've gotten everything we're gonna get out of it that was genuinely depressing because it was it was a great gig i don't know i don't know it was it was a great gig and um and afterwards it was great but i was like so relieved it was over yep and i'm like oh i couldn't even imagine how i was going to do this show again. Well, guess what? Full context. Who was on?

Let's say who was on. It was like me, you, Kappa. Yep. And which I didn't talk about, which I meant to talk about, which is very funny. I thought I hit up Kappa because people didn't know. The audience didn't know what was going to happen, whether it was all open mic or what was going to happen. Including Limo and Kappa, who I hit up to go, can you do this? And they go, I don't really want to be up there with all these open micas and just it's just me and i'm just a fucking idiot

i'm really insulted that you're asking me to do this yeah and i'm like no no no it's going to be like this and then they go okay and so kappa was i said i want you to get up there and do pizza doggy for as long as you can yep go out there for 10 minutes and just go do your pizza doggy thing that we've talked about and just do that. Push it and see what you find. Yeah. For as long as you can.

I want to see what happens. And he's like, okay. And I said, you know, and like, for example, you could be like, you go out there and go, you know, of course, of course you're going to go, give me some pizza. But then you can sort of maybe go, give me some capricciosa. Yeah. Give me some Hawaiian. Yeah.

You know, so he's out there struggling about a minute and a half in and just goes, give me some Capricciosa. Give me some Hawaiian. It's like once he got out there, it was very clear he hadn't put one second's thought into it. Yeah. Apart from me going, for example. Yeah.

Off the top of my head, you could do something like this. Then he does exactly those things. And then he is completely out of ideas i didn't even name any extra pizzas yeah yeah what i liked was you went and bought him a slice of pizza as a prop and i i found it funny looking at this that you'd gone and gotten a hawaiian yes which like not just getting you know why not just getting a base level margarita the fact that you went the tear up to like... You know why? Because I thought on stage that would visually look most like a pizza.

A Hawaiian? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I think pepperoni, but... Well, they didn't have pepperoni. Yeah, okay. Yeah. But then it was just sitting there waiting for him to turn up for like an hour and a half. Yes.

It looked so rank by the time he got there. Because you know what happened? I said, here's your closer. You can go out there and struggle as pizza doggy for however long it is. And then I'll be your closer by. I'll walk out as Gary Sugar's emcee and just bring it to you. And then just go, here's your pizza. Now fuck off.

And that's the end of the set. So then he's waiting for that to happen. And I'm backstage not doing it. Just listening to how long he can do it for. Watching him flap in the breeze. Yes. Yep. And I had to jump out early with it because he just gave up and went, okay, I think I'll

do another character now. Well, that's truly the worst of Melbourne comedy. Yes. So there was him. There was Damien Power. Yes. There was Greg Larson. Yes.

Ron Ganju. Ron Ganju. Lem was Damien Power. There was Greg Larson. Yes. Ron Ganju. Ron Ganju. Lemo. Lemo. William Wang. William Wang, yes. And is that everyone? It might have been everyone.

I think that's everyone. Maybe, yeah. So now, I was like, how are we going to do this again? But now I've sort of been recharged a little bit. Yeah, so I think. You've had your couple of days off. Yes. Oh, and of course, Abhishek.

Oh, yeah, and Abhishek did a set. Yeah, we did mention that in the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came out and did. We got to hear a different gear. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Lord. So, it all starts again tonight.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's different guests. There's different... There's certainly more work to do, Tommy. Yeah. But there's some different people confirmed, so it's going to be good. No Gary Chook. No's different. There's certainly more work to do, Tommy. Yeah. But there's some different people confirmed,

so it's going to be good. No Gary Chook. No Chook. He's done his one gig. He's gone back to, where's

he from? Toowoomba? I keep saying Toowoomba, but then someone picked me up on it and went, no, it's

Maroochydore. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot. Yeah, Maroochydore is funnier. Well, hey, speaking of

comedy, speaking of... Comedy? Speaking of colourful characters. Yes. Thank you to everyone who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. Get on there. Get yourself a bonus mini episode. Mondays and Fridays you get a little extra episode,

often with guests who've appeared in the main episode that week. And you also may or may not be hearing your name get read out by us right now. The Romper Room of Podcasting is here upon us once again, Tommy. Thank you to everyone who subscribes and supports us on Patreon and in particular these unnamed number of people. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Abby Monaghan. Monaghan. Abby.

Abby. Yeah, I mean, it's a shame. You know what? I'd quite like to have gone out with a girl called Abby. Good name.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Just a very strong female name. I'm trying to think if I know any Abbies. I don't know if I do.

Abby. I don't think I've ever met one. Yeah. It's almost like a bit think I've ever met one. Yeah. It's almost like a bit of an overseas name to me. Almost. You know, Abbey's like a cartoon character that, you know, should have been an Abbey on Archie and Veronica that I could have,

you know, lusted after when I was seven years old without really knowing what lust is. Yeah, whacked off over your double digest. Yes. Yes. That's a what lust is. Yeah, whacked off over your double digest. Yes. Yes! That's a little double digest. Oh, man, that was a little treat from the newsagent. Yeah.

Throwing down, like, well, they were probably, like, what, $4? Yes. For just, like, it looked like thousands and thousands of pages. It was the comic book equivalent of, like, going, fuck, this is a bit, this is like a grown-up, this is like the Bible or something. I don't think I can get through this. Print printed on the worst quality paper stock you can find right like yeah real phone book grade yeah yeah yeah a bit of butcher's paper gear um god the news

agents we were talking about this midweek off air tommy but your news agency's closed down. Closed down and it's become like a place called Cheaper by Miles, which is sort of like an Aldi kind of situation. A real like cheap supermarket. Oh, well, that's handy-ish for you. But we've already got an Aldi closer to our house. So it's annoying because that newsagent, I've talked about this, it was also a dry cleaner.

It was where I would get dry cleaning done when I needed it. And also, anytime I was going to something where I needed a card, great to have a place where you can get a last-minute card when you go into something where you're like, oh, fuck, I'd better bring something. Now I'm high and dry. I don't need another discount supermarket near me. We've got plenty of supermarkets.

The gap of... They should have at least gone... You've got heaps. We know what people we're getting out of the newsagent. We're going to make sure we cater to that. And then we'll also have our cheap long life milk. Newsagent plus more. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, my newsagent has closed down now, which is very sad because when I was a kid, I used to fucking live in the newsagent. But, I mean, that newsagent has closed down now, which is very sad because when I was a kid, I used to fucking live in the newsagent. But, I mean, that's why it's closed down because when I was a kid, that's where all my money went. But I cannot remember buying a magazine the last time I bought a magazine. Yeah, yeah. It's just me looking for pornos up the bush now.

Yeah, right. I'm not buying them. I'm just getting them for free. But everything's migrated up the bush. Yeah. So your monthly edition of Classic and Sports Car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's up the bush as well. But everything's migrated up the bush. Yeah. So your monthly edition of Classic and Sports Car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's up the bush as well.

The Trading Post is up the bush. I'm going up there looking for prams and cupboards and stuff like that. When I was in Japan, I was spending a lot of time looking at their convenience stores in there, like 7-Eleven and Family Mart. They have a lot of magazines. And what's it called? What's the great Japanese one called? Lawson. Yeah, is it LawsonEleven and Family Mart. They have a lot of magazines. What's it called? What's the great Japanese one called? Lawson.

Yeah, is it Lawson? Lawson, Family Mart and I think Lawson and Family Mart are the main two. Lawson, what is it? In Thailand, Family Mart's been replaced by Lawson, I thought. Or 7-Eleven. Did 7-Eleven buy them out? No, because there's... Oh, maybe.

Maybe they did. There's still a second option. Yeah, okay. All right. But they have... Yeah, they have magazines and stuff in there, including, like, you know, manga, like comic books.

There's, like, a weekly thing that comes out there that has, like, the new chapter of whatever the ongoing stuff in it is. And I was like, books, there's like a weekly thing that comes out there that has like the new chapter of whatever the ongoing stuff in it is. And I was like, yeah, I wonder, did they used to have newsagents and they all folded and Family Mart went, well, we'll pick up the slack and keep stocking these? Or did they just never

have newsagents because it was just always the domain of the 7-Eleven and the Lawson? I truly don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. It's a real shame because I saw the newsagent up the road from me my local one

was closing down but I thought I was getting a scoop because it was at night and I could see people sort of like dodgily get into it I'm like

someone's breaking into the newsagents and then I peeked inside and went oh this place is fucking gutted they're just breaking

into it because they couldn't be fucked with a key anymore because this place is dog shit yeah they are I mean it is it's interesting with Japan with like, yeah,

the Shonen Jump magazine is one of them that'll have like, it's out every week and there'll be like a new chapter of like the eight or whatever ongoing manga series there are. So like if you're into that stuff, it's like every week. It's actually pronounced manga, Tommy. You're going to tell me. Dressed like I am now in my maid outfit, you're going to tell me. And it is, like, the fact that that's, you can get it digitally,

but there still is such a, like, you go into your family mart, you get your little magazine, and, you know, like, the adherence to the tactile, tangible, physical thing. Like if they've gone this far with it, they're never going to get rid of it. They're never going to go, it's all digital now. Great. They're still adhering to the fucking, yeah.

Good for them. The page. I love it. Yeah, good for them. It was that weird thing, even with music, where it was like, oh, you could just get it online. I'm like, yeah, but why am I fucking paying for something and not having it in my hand?

But now it's like, who gives a fuck? Now it's like, I've got, like, we've still got DVDs and CDs. And I went to chuck something out the other day. And Don't Say Name was like, what are you chucking that out for? And I'm like, what are you playing it on? And she went, good point. But people are getting back into the physical media. It's coming back, I think.

Because you have all these things where, like, you've bought something on iTunes for $20. And then you go to watch it and it's like oh the license is expired so that we don't have this anymore and you're like but i own it yeah and they're like no no you own the license to watch it as long as we have it and we don't have it anymore and you're like but but i paid 20 i paid what the disc would cost and if i buy the disc i have the disc forever and I can watch it whenever I want so you get into

all these things with that so I think that is leading people back into like yeah man if you ever if you wanna if you you know

if you wanna own a movie and be able to fucking watch it you know when the apocalypse comes and all the servers go down if you wanna kick back and watch some mothers do Avon

in the bunker you need that physical media baby yeah um well um thanks Abby thanks Abby kick back and watch some mothers do Avon in the bunker. You need that physical media, baby. Yeah. Well, thanks, Abby. Thanks, Abby. That all came out of Abby Monaghan somehow. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tim Constantine.

I thought you were going to say Tim constipated. No. That would have been great. Uh-oh. That would have been fantastic. Do you remember being a little kid and the first time you learn of the concept of constipation? No, just anything to do with... Just finding it so funny. Wait, what?

There's a condition where you just don't shit for a long time. I don't find that anywhere near as funny as the opposite of that. Well, of course, but, you know, it's the yin and the yang. Yeah. No, I think... anywhere near as funny as the opposite of that well of course but you know it's the yin and the yang yeah um no i think i'm currently we have a little girl in this house right now who's absolutely obsessed with i am playing to the gallery by bringing up constipation i have to say and no no she doesn't find it funny at all she finds everything the opposite of that very funny so this is the nightly story it's she gets bed and goes, can you tell me a story? And so I get a book out and she goes, no, no, no.

Not one of those stories. A made-up story about me and poo. And so every night there has to be a different combination of something to do with poo and something to do with blanket every single night. So I'm getting pretty creative, I have to say. I haven't doubled up. I've done pretty well. You should play with this episode. Yeah.

What's happened on the adventures of Blanket and Pooh so far? There's so many times where she's ended up down the toilet. Oh, yeah. She's somehow gone down the toilet. There's other things that have come out of the toilet to take over this house. There's times where she hasn't. Oh, there's been constipation stories where she hasn't gone to the toilet and then she grew as big as a town oh yeah and then as big as a country and then blew

up and went into space yeah okay um all because of poo yes yeah right yeah yeah um there's been her changing color her being adopted as a poo baby because she was so full of poo she didn't go to the toilet yeah that's good yep um and then her giving birth to poos that she had to look after. Yep. There's been every, yeah. Guys, send in new concepts of my daughter and poo, something I haven't covered yet. Oh, you're really creative. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never would have guessed. I've just adapted a lot of old Rad Dad stories. Is there a way you could adapt this into the worst of Melbourne comedy and just like take some of these notes and do story time with the audience? Yeah, that could be good. That could be good. Tim Constipated, if you can send in some angles. Yeah.

This is like, this is the opposite of like, you know, Seinfeld used to say, please do not pitch any storylines because we could already have these stories. We don't want to read any spec scripts. Yeah, and then have you sue us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and Larry David. I sent in a story when George told a lie to someone. You ripped off my idea.

He was going to lie to his boss. Well, there's a, yeah, and then there's those clips of people asking Larry David what he thinks of those like modern Seinfeld accounts that popped up. And he's like, eh. I always just think, like, if you were one of the people,

like, writing one of those accounts, God, you'd be fucking devastated seeing that clip. Where he's like, eh, not very good. Well,

he's just like, his thing is like, yeah, everyone thinks that they can, you know, but it's like, you look at them and it's like, oh,

wow, yeah, that would have been an episode. And he's like, no, it wouldn't have. It wouldn't have's like, oh, wow, yeah, that would have been an episode. And he's like, no, it wouldn't have. It wouldn't have. If you could have thought it up, then it wouldn't have been an episode.

Right. All right. Well, I'll start up a new Twitter account. Just the right time for it. Yeah. What if poo stories. At modern poo. Yeah.

What if poo stories were in 2024, still going today. Blanket poo on iPad. Blanket poo. Hey, what about a poo on an iPad? She's blocking her ears. Blanket. She's got her hands over her ears. Do you like the poo stories?

You love the poo stories. Okay. All right. You know what? Oh, I've got to teach her how to write poo. That'll be the next one. She's learning how to write a lot of letters. Oh, yeah.

A lot of words at the moment. I think maybe that's part of it as a kid. It's such an easy how to write poo. That'll be the next one. She's learning how to write a lot of letters. Oh, yeah. A lot of words at the moment. I think maybe that's part of it as a kid. It's such an easy word to knock out. Yeah. She knows. Actually, you know what? Little blanket. Can you get your pen and paper?

Because you know how to... All you have to write is a P and an O and an O, and that's poo. Can you go and write it for me right now, please? All right. There's a task. Good. She just looked on her face like the Manchurian candidate. There's a task. Good. Because for the listener at home.

She just looked on her face like the Manchurian candidate. Like she'd just been activated. For the listener at home, we are recording in my place. It's school holidays. It's my first little taste of school holidays. Oh, yeah. The kid being at home and going, what do we fucking do now? Yep.

And that includes her watching a live recording of Talking Dum Dum. Yeah, exactly. What wouldn't you want to do on a school holiday? Yeah. A live part two of a podcast. Well, I'll tell you what could be better. Watching a recording of the fuck hour right after this. Oh, yes.

Of the F hour. The fudge hour. Yeah. The fun hour. Let's rebadge it. By the way way for people that have never subscribed to the Patreon

that's what we call it give me a look can I have a look let's have a look oh you have too well done yeah you spelled it properly

good work so now so just all the basics what Blanket can spell at the moment is mum yep dad

she can spell Blanket let's say yep and she mum, dad. She can spell blanket, let's say. Yep. And she can write, I love mum. Yep. And now she can write poo. So she learnt poo before she learnt I love dad. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Well, she can substitute I love to... I'll tell you what, dad's only just crept in before poo. I love poo. Yeah. Just that's your five basics. That's the Mount Rushmore of the words you need to learn as a five-year-old, I reckon. Just when you thought...

Daddy's a poo bum. Daddy's a poo bum, yeah. Just when you thought this podcast couldn't get more bottom rung, now it's just us interacting with a child about poo. Yeah. Hey, Blanket, say something rude. Poo diddy boo. There you go.

That's rude stuff. We're going to have to censor that out too. Yeah. Jesus. All right. And we're going to get kicked off Spotify.

You are in trouble when mummy gets home. Thanks for saying that. That's bad. All right. Well, thanks Tim Constantine. Thanks Timmy.

You've, oh, can you say, can you say thanks Tim? you go wow from now on you should have to pay more now from now on everyone's getting a thank you from blanket new tier 30 a month you get thanked by blanket yeah great i feel like i shouldn't have introduced her into this because now she's really going to start the show off she was quite happy to hide behind a table before now she's getting involved to start the show off. She was quite happy to hide behind a table before and now she's getting involved.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alex Medina. Okay. Surely the nickname is. Come on. Funky cold. There we go. There we go. I was going more towards the, what are they like service departments?

Oh yeah. Servo. Yeah, right service departments? Oh, yeah. Servo. Yeah, right. Right. Not a hotel. Sort of like an Airbnb. Maybe. Yeah.

You know what I noticed traveling in Japan? I don't know if you've had this anywhere you've traveled, but a lot of hotels now, you're turning up and they're going, yeah, we're an eco hotel. So we only clean the room every like three days. And you can request it more if you want it. And like, I agree that that's, you know, like the responsible thing to do with like, you know, water and, you know, save the planet and everything. But it is one of those things where it's like, okay, but I'm still, the rates have gone up. Like I'm still paying the same for the room in spite of the fact that less work is going into me being here. Like, I agree with it, but also surely the offshoot of that should be a few bucks off at night.

Like, come on. Yeah, well, the maid's not coming in, so give her the day off and pass the savings on to me. I stayed at a place that had a 4pm check-in. Can you believe that? Whoa, in Japan? Yeah. That is absolutely taking the mick.

But we know why. That's a love hotel, surely. No, no. That's being used as a love hotel. No, this was, it was an Airbnb. Oh.

That's absolutely taking the piss. What's wrong? You can see a man with orange hair. Is that what you're saying? It's a hat. Where is he? Is there a man?

Hang on. We've got to pause the... Oh, there is a man with orange hair walking around outside. Sorry for interrupting the podcast, but that is something worth noting. Yeah. A man with orange hair walked past the apartment. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, they can probably hear him. Yeah. Yeah. A man with orange hair walked past the apartment. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, they can probably hear him.

Yeah. Yeah. They can probably hear the footsteps coming through. Yeah, yeah. Through the window across the street on the grass.

Yeah. So, good stuff. Thanks for, that's good content from Blanket. But, yeah, hotels.

See, I don't mind any of that stuff. I'm not a big, like, come in and clean everything up. It's like, it's all my stuff. Don't touch it. Yeah, I don't, any of that stuff. I'm not a big, like, come in and clean everything up. It's like, it's all my stuff. Don't touch it.

I can hang a towel up. If it perfectly, if it aligns with me already being out, then, you know, that's like a nice little surprise. You know, you come back into the room, you're like, oh, the bed's been made. That's cool. But then when it's like, if I'm just in there, you know, more often than not, I'm sort of like, I'm having a bit of a late start. You know, I might be like, If I'm just in there, more often than not, I'm having a bit of a late start.

I might be like, if I'm there doing shows, I'm probably like, the knock on the door, it's like, ah, don't worry about it. But the ideal is you go out for lunch and then you come back and just seamlessly. It's all happened. Yes, you're right. That's good. You're right. Actually, that's the only thing I want.

I don't want a do not disturb sign. I don't want to make up the room sign. I just want a sign that says make the bed. Yeah. What do they call that? The turndown. Is that the turndown service? Is that what that is?

Is that what it is? Is that what it's called? Something like that. Because those hotel beds, those weird combo sheet doona things that you often have, once they're sort of ruffled up a bit, they just feel like shit, I reckon. Right. Once a hotel bed is a little bit messy, it's a disaster. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's the one thing that makes you walk back in and go, oh, I've got a new room again. I'm not at home. Yeah. This is what I'm paying for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That should be a box you tick.

Cool. No problem. No problem with any of the stuff. I'll have the same towel for four days. I don't care. Well, because the problem is the whole eco thing is like they're stripping the bed, right? And they're washing all that stuff. So I want the option of like, it doesn't need to be clean.

Just make it the way you, just strip it all off and then remake it with the same stuff. Yes. Yes, absolutely. Happy to not waste the water and all that stuff. That's fine. I'm happy to sleep again in my own filth. Yes. Just as long as it feels fresh.

Yes. Which probably that sort of stuff in hotels is happening more often than not anyway. Well, not even feels fresh. Just so I walk in and it looks like a bed straight out of the factory. Yeah, exactly.

The way they do it. Yeah. It looks good. Just reminds you you're in a hotel. Well, thanks, Alex Medina. That's you. Thanks, FC. Yeah.

Thanks, Funky Cole. Thanks, Alex FC Medina. And please tell me that that's your nickname because you are hanging around with some absolute dorks, if not. I think I'd rather hear that his nickname is Service Department. Right, yeah. To be completely honest. Thanks, Alex.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Russell Hartup. Hartup? Yeah. He's not too Hart up because he's pitching in some dollars to this show yeah yeah h-a-r-t-u-p not hard up as i implied with my clever little quip yep yeah been a while since i've heard a good quip heart up yeah h-a-R-T-U-P. And again, it goes back to where is this coming from? Yeah. Why does this combination of letters exist?

Why did someone... Someone's had to make this name up and why? There's a chain of used book and CD, DVD stores in Japan called Hard Off, which every time you see it, you're like, boy, this is a bit of fun. Yeah. If only they knew yeah yeah hard off hard off just this is this is these books are so unsexy they've given me a real hard off is that a cover where you're like yeah i'm just gonna pop down to hard off and what you really

mean is you're popping into a you know you're getting beaten off you go into a oh yeah you go into like a you know sex establishment that's good but then but so you, you know, you're getting beaten off. You go into a. Oh, yeah. You go into like a, you know, sex establishment. That's good. But then, but so, you know, your wife hears that and she thinks, oh, he's going to go look at old books. I'm going to, yeah. I'm going to get a hard off. That's funny. I'm going to come.

Yeah. I'm just popping down to hard off. Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, bring me back a Dixie Chicks CD while you're there. Yeah. And then in your head, you're like, oh, fuck. Well, I've got to actually swing past the show on the way home. Well, there was Dixie Chicks there and there was Dixie there, but there was not Dixie Chicks CD while you're there. And then in your head, you're like, Oh, fuck, now I've got to actually swing past the show on the way home.

Well, there was Chicks there and there was Dixie there, but there was not Dixie Chicks. Yep. Yep. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's a pretty good riff. I wonder if that's why that exists.

Hard off. This is making me wish I did stand up in Osaka. What do you think, guys? But it's just me to like fucking expats who've been there for like a month and they're like, yeah, we don't know. None of us speak Japanese. Why do you think we're here at an English language comedy show? And it's also like a Japanese person coming over here and going, you know how you've got

Maya? That's Japanese for drinking cum. Pretty funny, hey? Actually, that truly is interesting. A big list of major chains in every country and what those sounds mean in other languages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be fascinating to know. A nice little...

What's daimaru mean? Yeah. Eating ass in Portuguese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good. There'd have to be some. Yeah, for sure. There'd have to be some English language ones.

This is my travel show. Yeah, yeah. My friend went around Europe last year and when he got home, he was very seriously and earnestly describing to me the differences in vapes in all the countries that he went to in Europe, differences in what they cost, how they can sell them, flavors of them, how they mechanically all work. And I was just losing my mind going, this is the best travel show.

I want to fund this. I'm going to come on a trip to you with Europe where we just cross borders and the only thing we dissect about every country we're in is the vape culture. Like it was a full lecture that went for like 45 minutes, only on vapes in every country. I'm like, did you have any good food or see any good tourist sites he's like yeah i guess but you know i'm a fan of the craft of vape so i was just like couldn't believe how cheap they were in germany yeah yeah um i love all that shit that specific shit um

that's why you know i've never gotten into like youtube travel vlog stuff because it's too broad like my girlfriend watches a lot of them My girlfriend watches a lot of them. My fiance watches a lot of them. They're just like, oh, here we are. We're walking around. I want one that zeroes in. This is the travel vlog for

if you like looking at what the different currencies in every country. This is the one for you. That's all we tell you about on our channel. I guess I'm a big... Yeah, I, yeah. This is the one for you. That's all we tell you about on our channel. I guess I'm a big, yeah, I've got my guys that I follow, but it's mostly Southeast Asia stuff that they do.

But occasionally, as long as they go to a beach somewhere else, it's okay. But, yeah, you can't just go to one country and do that and then go, okay, next country. You know, you have to sort of do. It'd be pretty funny if you did, if you, you like spend all that money to only focus on one thing. Like you're in Rome, the Colosseum's behind you, but you're like, we cannot have a shot of the Colosseum in there. That's not what this is for.

There's plenty of places people can go to get that. I'm just tasting what Fanta tastes like in Italy. And then I'm fucking off to Spain. Get really tied in on that can. I don't want to see any of the people, any of the actual culture. Get that fucking Leaning Tower out of the background. You can see the fountain over your shoulder. We've got to move.

The only Leaning Tower I want to see is that Leaning Fanta just going at 45 degrees into my mouth. Exactly. You pick the most like Western style, like the most like broad looking hotel. That's just like no, no paintings on the walls no flavor yeah yeah yeah um yeah that would be great um but those travel vloggers tend to be like they all it's funny to watch like one thing like for example kosamui you know like um uh the creatures of habit band and barroom present kosamui international podcast festival um it's like the they all have a go at pig island these days oh yeah it's only a recent the creatures of habit, ban and bar and present the coast of my international podcast vessel.

It's like the, they all have a go at pig Island these days. It's only a recent phenomenon. The tourist vloggers have, have discovered it. So if you, if you follow anyone going to Thailand, they all end up there.

See, I imagine that's the thing that drives you crazy. If you're that person who that's your job and life is going around being a travel vlog is like, yeah yeah you have like a small window where something might get you a lot of views and then it's just been completely like after a certain point it's like not worth doing you know what i mean yeah like we try and do videos for the video games podcast i do and like something new coming out that's really hitting there's like a week window where you'll get a lot of views on it because people are just seeking out content about that specific game yeah but that lasts for maybe a week or two and then it's like well there's now a billion videos of that we're bored of it now it's not

worth your time to do something about it right and so the idea that it's like you know those they're always couples right traveling around being like should we go to pig island and film a video there it's like pig island's old hat. Yeah, yeah. It's been done. Pig Island's hack now. Yeah. And that's where we come in in three months' time. Yes. Hey, we'll bring something fresh to it. But this is my, I've said this on the show, this is my idea.

Gig Pig Island. Yeah, yeah. That's how we revitalise. I haven't watched anyone try and jerk off a pig on Pig Island. Yeah. You know? I haven't seen anyone try and suck off a pig on Pig Island. I haven't seen anyone go to jail as a direct result of what they did on pig island there's heaps to do

yeah people have just been trying to be nice to the pigs seinfeld finale style oh it's some weird law they've got here yeah where you're not allowed to suck off the pigs on pig island that's a law everywhere and then we're in we're in court in Thailand. Everyone we've ever wronged over the history of this podcast travels over there to testify against us. Yeah. And the one guy, the one listener that we have in Koh Samui that's never listened to us. We go, at least he'll be on our side.

And then we go into the courtroom and he's the judge. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great. And he's like, no, actually, there's a reason I didn't ever go to your live podcast. You wronged me on a Patreon read

seven years ago. Fuck you. You're going to the pen. That would be a good, yeah, that would be a good ep. We have Dr. Ramsey, she'll be back, the people whose doorsteps

you've shit on, parade of them all coming into the courtroom. The guy who owned the dog that pissed from the balcony downstairs and I complained. Yep. Yep, yep. Yeah, that would be good.

Well, thanks, Russell Hardop. Thanks, Russell Hardoff. Hardoff, of the Hardoff Company in Japan. What are they doing here? Used CD, DVD and book dynasty. Right, great. Let's just do one more because my daughter is getting more and more vocal. Thank you very much to Patron and Subscriber. Oh, wow, great. Let's just do one more because my daughter is getting more

and more vocal. Thank you very much to Patron Subscriber. Oh, wow, okay. That's interesting. Just what we've been talking about. That's really weird.

This is a comedy club from Portugal and yeah, the way they've named it means something else completely in our language. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber

erect throbbing comedy glistening with pre-cum. Right. Yeah. So it sounds like a funny place to go along. If you're in Lisbon, go along and see a bit of open mic or...

What did you learn on school holidays, Blanket? There's another three letter word you can learn pretty quick. Oh Lord. Alright, thanks everyone.

Do not play this to any kind of child protection services. She's in another room guys. Yeah, let's say that. Got your muffs on. Yes.

Thanks for listening Love shows Thanks for supporting the show Melbourne Brisbane Come and see us in Yeah Come and see one of the last of these

Two Melbourne shows If you're in Melbourne And you haven't been down yet We're really on one Yeah And we've got some great guests Yeah And we've got one guest coming back again

Yeah He's really great Yeah Thanks everyone See you next time See ya Bye