The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 708 - Luke Heggie & Mike Goldstein

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

We've dragged ourselves out of bed after the Comedy Festival and we're joined by LUKE HEGGIE and MIKE GOLDSTEIN. We reflect on The Worst of Melbourne Comedy and the memoir that Karl got given as a gift, Tommy can't avoid seeing the Sperm Bank bit AGAIN, demand for the Abishek t-shirts is high, and Karl's found out a dark secret from Luke Heggie's past. PLUS Nick Cody pops in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Luke Heggie and Mike Goldstein. We have got a show in Brisbane fast approaching May 18th at the Brightside. It's a Saturday afternoon. There's lots of special guests in and around town while we're there. So it's going to be a great show. That's right, Tommy. Yeah, get on to that. Not very long to go.

Cannot wait. If you've loved the live episodes coming down the pipeline in the last month or so, be part of this one. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. Get your tickets. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. And until then, enjoy this new episode. Mike Goldstein, Luke Heggy, and a special cameo. Oh, pfft.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Joining us today, we've got two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Luke Heggy and Mike Goldstein. Yes.

Special. Yes. What a treat. What a treat to have these two gentlemen. Yeah. Two stars of stage and screen. Yeah. Mike Goldstein and Luke. What a treat. What a treat to have these two gentlemen. Yeah. Two stars of stage and screen. Yeah. Mike Goldstein and Luke Heggy. Thank goodness we got a little bit of diversity because this was starting to look a bit, you

know. What? We got Goldstein. We got Sri Lankan. Yeah. We got Sri Lankan. Yes. Yeah.

Couldn't be more diverse. Yeah. There's no more of me. And your lifestyle as well. Oh, yeah. Explain that We know you're not a fan of diversity Because you've got your kid here And he's French

And you've locked him away in the cellar Yeah He's not allowed in here We're in the old hotel Well he can come in if you like I just thought it would be awkward As soon as we walked in You chucked him in there

Well given the current climate Of not having children anywhere Oh true I thought I'd better just play it safe No I just wanted to see if your French kid knew if I said hello, if he understood or you know anything like that. No, I don't have a clue No, I had to go bonjour or

you told him to go into his room and he mimed opening the door to go in and then you were like no, no, no, the actual door And there's not even a bed, there's a cage in there Yeah There's a baguette stuffed through the hole in the cage. You said go to your room, he said no, you said no, do it,

and he immediately surrendered. I'm like, that is a French kid. There we go. What else? Baguette for breakfast. Yo play. Does he speak fluent French? Yeah. Cool. Do you want to fluent French? Yeah.

Cool. Do you want to test it? Yeah, I'll see what I can remember from year 10. Le commissariat? Beg your pardon? Police station, I believe. That's what I remember from year 7, French. Right.

Le commissariat? That's the one thing that's stuck in your head. The one thing. The one phrase, police station. Yes. Interesting. What happened to you at Goliad? Is that still running?

Does that clown thing still go? I think so. Oh, yeah, he's still going. He hasn't been taken down yet. It's an old French clown. The French have never heard of him. I have asked. The whole thing is he just hazes everyone.

I know a girl who dropped out of clown school. She got bullied so hard. She had to come back and tell her parents, sorry, guys, I dropped out of clown school and it's always parent funded with those oh yeah

yeah so famous old French clown school and basically you go there for two months and he's got the greatest racket going on you can stay for a year you can stay for six months

and stuff can't you it's a bit culty yeah but he's like he's seen as the guy and then the whole course is basically like you do your you know you do your clowning act in front of him.

And then he sits there and goes, you look like a bit of a fat slut. Like he just gets to sit and say whatever he wants. So just hypothetically, can anyone open their own clown school then? This is Chandler's dream. You're just going to have to work out how to make the word police station abusive

and you'll be good to go but yeah it's like how has this guy not been taken down you read these stories about him and it's like that's all he does he just sits there and he just fucking abuses to be fair his defense is they want to be a clown so i should be allowed to abuse yeah i guess that's it it's like the the general public are like, yeah, he's doing it. He's actually doing it. The French don't care either. What? Like, you can just bully.

They don't give a fuck. I love bullying. Yeah. I reckon they might have invented it. Like, it's, they don't give a fuck. It's not, we're tip-tawing around all sorts of shit. They don't care. Yeah.

They just stay telling their daughters they look fat in a dress and stuff. Yeah, yeah. So your wife is French. Yes. So you're over there a bit. You're part French because it's an STI. I've been there a couple of times as a tourist. Only to Paris, but they do not like anyone from any other part of the world.

I think that's changed a lot. A lot of them want to learn English. They all think Australia is just a faraway, unreachable paradise. There's a lot more here now. But, yeah, 20 years ago, they were like, Australia, fuck, this is our dream to go there. So it's still got the sheen. So that's still sort of got a bit of the sheen.

They fucking hate English, obviously. They call them roast beef. Roast beef? There's a couple of roast beef in our restaurant. They fucking hate them. Because they think that's a bad meal, so in our restaurant they fucking hate them because they think that's a bad meal so that's like a diss

yeah it's like a right they are the worst that is the worst people to have a train ride away you know being this like beautiful cultured city

and then you've got the British can just be there within like an hour and a half on the train I quite like their attitude towards outsiders too

they're protective of their language and their culture. I'm like, fuck you. It is very funny because they're all so close together. It's like, you know, these radically different cultures so close. It's like if Geelong was like just a fucking different planet from here. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And they speak Geelong. If Geelong was like Spain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, you guys in your coffee, we don't do any of that down here. One hour on the train away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, you guys in your coffee, we don't do any of that down here. One hour on the train away. Yeah, that would be cool. What have you got, one cafe per person now up there?

That's good gear. That sort of thing. That's pretty good gear. Come on, mate, the festival's over. No need for that anymore. Put that away in the cupboard until next year. Is this how you got kicked out of clowning school? By having an actual joke?

Well, I don't know. I don't know quite when we'll put this up. Maybe this will be... Like, by the time people hear this, they will have heard week four

of our residency of Abhishek Mishra, our open mic protege that we had on all four of our live podcasts. Our noble savage. First person to ever do an entire run of live podcasts

with us at the comedy festival. That might be true. I'm not sure. Residency. He did the same routine four weeks in a row. How long is the routine? A few minutes? Look, by the time we got done with it, it was about 15 minutes each week.

You're interrupting it. He got a bit of... I think one week he got about 40 seconds out, maybe. Yeah. So we did our last show the other day. Big finale with him. We had a lot of people, extra people get up on stage with us to experience the bit. Last night at the Comedy Festival, went to see, you know, it was all done with the shows we were doing.

Went to go see a show. Final night, I'm sitting there there the lights go down voice comes over the speakers ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage your opening act Abhishek Mishra so then I got to sit

and watch the bit for a fifth time from the front from the front and not being able to interject let me tell you it was a wild experience

was this the moose head recipient awards that you saw what show were you going to see where he was the opener? Alessio Carducci. Oh, okay. And so I'm second row and I got to hear the bit in its entirety and I got to hear a new bit.

Right. He's the guy that supplied us with, that we talked about a few weeks ago, supplied us with the worst of Melbourne comedy, actual genuine comedy. I thanked Alessio for this. Who didn't know what he was in for. Yeah, yeah.

So that's how you found him. You got him on the worst. Alessio is the open mic whisperer. Right. So he's like the king of the gutter. So I said, give me your absolute finest. And he gave us a guy who was, yeah, as we talked about, everyone went out and did characters

and did these weird, horrible characters and then he came out and everyone went, what a great character. And they went, this is no character. Well, Alessio's been on me because I got this. And then he paid, he paid Alessio to say thank you for the gig and this is what, we had a little quiz,

but I think this is so perfect. He paid him with a gift. The gift was a copy of his own autobiography which I now have a copy of. Oh yes. I've done 30 seconds worth and I reckon I've found four pearlers already.

We're going to have a live reading of this book. I wouldn't mind. Wait, how old is this dude? I don't know. Hard to tell. Late 30s. Oh right. And the word that turned me during the Worcester Melbourne Comedy Fest, I was there and it was a great night for all involved. And I think this is when the crowd knew that he meant it,

was the word slit. Yeah, we talked about this. My goodness. I missed all this. And the quote was, I think the quote was, all women are slits. Oh, slits. Okay.

So it's a collective term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It reminds me of... You ever see a pack of slits? It reminds me of like ages and ages ago when I lived in a share house and we were looking for a new housemate and we got on one of those Facebook housemate finder groups and there was a guy who'd posted about him and his partner moving down from Brisbane and looking for a house together.

And the post has like lots of photos of the two of them and stuff, and obviously you get in that group. It's very competitive. You've got to try and make an impression. And the text in the post was like, yeah, g'day everyone, moving down to Brisbane with the two-hole. And I was like, man, you're trying to, like, who's seen that? And being like, we've got to get this guy in.

It sounds like a real laugh. Full credit to this guy for coming down because it was sort of a trick and this guy got invited down. Well, in the way that... He loved it. He loved it. That's the thing. It was a good gig.

It was a full house. He got to go out and do well for two minutes until everyone figured out what was going on. So he got two minutes to laugh. I do like we've got a bridge between our world. We've got Alessio as our bridge between our world and the open mic world. He's your fixer.

He's your guy that you go to and you're like, I need a, not just any bad open mic, but a guy that fills this criteria. Yeah, he's the open mic whisperer. I can't talk direct to him. Yeah, I don't speak their language. So I don't want to name this guy because he did the right thing

he was not a bad guy like he just but like people that do comedy are just berserk some people are just fucking crazy yeah

it's an open door policy yeah anyone just fucking wander in that's the fucking problem he seemed like a nice guy off stage but on stage

it was some pretty horrific it's a very easy comedy thing to do to come in and go what will get a reaction so there's a bit of that going on but yeah like you know for people who are like

oh you guys are like bullying open micers it's like that's the beauty of comedy is that everyone we've all been everyone starts out in the exact same place

and it's like if something like this had existed when you and I started there would have been a podcast that was like yeah I saw this fucking loser doing his gig

in pyjamas like get a load of this get a load of this idiot in another industry incompetence gets bullied and fucking admonished it's just like fucking loser doing his gig in pyjamas like get a load of this get a load of this any other industry incompetence gets bullied and fucking admonished this is like no no just be nice to the loser i literally put an ad out going who sucks who's a fucking idiot come and do this gig and my inbox was chockers so when we when we're laughing at it we're laughing because we remember being in that

place yeah you know you start out and you're like surrounded by all these people but also that's you So when we're laughing at it, we're laughing because we remember being in that place. You know, you start out and you're like surrounded by all these people. But also, as I said last week or whenever it was, there was a few even comics going, oh, is this bullying? I'm like, how is this bullying when this fucking Abhishek has played to four full houses? I paid him to do the gigs

and now we're flying him to fucking Costa Milla. He's six months into comedy. And sounds diverse too. Boy, it's a name. No, that was accidental. I'd rather that not happen. Yeah, this is the most diverse booking you've done in years, Dan. That is an unfortunate coincidence, I have to say.

I asked him to change his name. I made the T-shirts of him for the last live show, and I had Alessio on me being like, brother, we've got to sell these T-shirts. He's like, open micers really want one. I know. I've been hit up by all these people going, how can I buy an Abishek T-shirt?

I'm like, we left them on the floor. No, I've got the ones I printed, but I'm like, maybe I'll just put the design up on Redbubble and I don't know. Just leave it at limited run. What did you make, five or something? Yeah, I've got... Take bids. Yeah, he's got one of Redbubble and I don't know. Just leave it at limited run. What did you make, five or something? Yeah, I've got... Take bids.

Yeah, he's got one of them. So yeah, I've got four. I didn't know they were so sought after, so I gave them to the first country who wanted one. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I must have two left then. Right, right, right.

I've got two left of the originals and then I guess if there's enough interest, I can put them on. But Alessio seems to think that everyone on the open mic circuit wants to be Rocket and Abishek t-shirt. Right, right. Because he's their hero now. Right. He's the guy who's like, he's made it out of the slums. think that everyone on the open mic circuit wants to be rocking an abhishek t-shirt right because he's their hero now right he's there you know he's the guy who's like he's made it out of the slums yeah into a slightly nicer slum into a neighboring slum yeah yeah well so he's onto a podcast yeah

he's been boosted up by two guys who have fuck all else going on but we're friends with people on tv so that's right he's now he's like one degree of separation He's been boosted up by two guys who have fuck all else going on. But we're friends with people on TV, so that's something. Yeah, that's right. Now he's like one degree of separation away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows someone who knows someone. Yeah, that's all right. So this book, what do we...

I won't dox him completely, but there are a couple of ripper little bits in there, and I thought especially Luke Heggy would enjoy this. The start is the name of the autobiography. Deadset Legend. Oh, yes. Pretty good. Beautiful.

Beautiful. And then this... Honestly. Just in case it's not completely clear as well, we should say self-published. Yes. Of course. Yeah.

And then the blurb on the back, what do you call the... It's just a blurb. You call it a blurb, don't what do you call the it's just a blurb you call it a blurb don't you man the very the very first five words this is the very first five words

on the blurb on the back to sum up his autobiography a well hung young man tries desperately to drag a oh fuck yeah mentions his dick in three words

I kind of love it it is good and it's not a joke what is it like what do. And it's not a joke. What? What do you mean it's not a joke? Well, it's just like, a well-hung young man tries desperately to drag

an unlikely and unwilling group of musicians to fulfill their dreams of becoming rock stars. That's just a description. There's no joke in there. It's just like, I just need to get in there that I've got a big dick.

But maybe, I mean, maybe he does. Maybe there's like, it's Boogie Nights style where like the last page of the book is like a photo of his dick. No, I had a look. And it's actually really small and it's like, I had a look. Ah, see, I'm pretending. I looked for it, but there's no pictures.

Don't worry. Yeah. And the dedication at the front is a big thank you to all the fans. Oh, right. Yeah. Usually people do, you know, I've got a massive car, can I get heaps of slit and shit? And they go, I love my mum.

So thanks, mum, for all your support. I'd like to thank God. No, none of that sort of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, does the word, is there any mention of slit in the book? It's such a shame that it's a physical book where I couldn't just sort of Apple F and look for it. Yeah.

I'd bet any of your $100 I could find slit in that. Yeah. Before the end of this episode. The first sentence of the whole book refers to himself as the infamous and then his name. Yeah, fantastic. He calls himself the infamous. then his name yeah fantastic yeah calls himself the infamous and it's like it's so written like again full credit to this bloke for giving it a go but

it's so written as a first draft of someone who's never read a book do you reckon has he has he is he just one of those weird guys who's like just done this in his day-to-day life and then eventually has thought i'll try open my comedy yes or has he his day-to-day life and then eventually has thought, I'll try open mic comedy. Yes. Or has he been on the scene for a bit and then gone, time to write a book. I forgot the fucking best bit of this. Fuck.

There's a rating on the front of the book too. It says R18+. Oh, I see. You don't see enough. The only other book that that's on is American Psycho. That's a DVD cover. Fuck, how's this? How's this

Fuck What can I call this guy I just don't want to dox him So I call him Slitty Slitty Yeah yeah yeah Gary Slit

Gary Slit Dr. Slit Stan I call him Gary Slit Gary Slitter Yeah Gary Slitter Right so let's say his name's that

So the inscription in the inside of the book is so this is his autobiography adapted from the full length motion picture

screenplay dead set legend the Gary Slit story written by Gary Slit so this autobiography is adapted this is funny from the screenplay

he wrote about himself this is good stuff I'm into it but like adapted from the screenplay which wrote about himself. This is good stuff. I'm into it. But like adapted from the screenplay, which doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. It's a joke. It's funny.

That's not a joke. That's real. It's absurd. Let's be real. That's a real thing. He's not making that up. He's written a screenplay about himself. Yeah, and then adapted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably pitching to get it on that. What's that thing with the black, the Hollywood, like the best screenplays that have ever been? Oh, Greenlight Project or something? Yeah, that have never been. It's like a yearly thing. It's like, here's the best screenplays that haven't been adapted yet. Maybe it's on that.

I never would have thought, like, you know, we all watch shit on YouTube and that's a few minutes. It's fucking appalling comedy. Now it's jumped over into books. I've read a whole fucking book now to get the hate watching in people that think that uh people that think that crowd work clips are tedious we'll wait until it's publishing crowd work book it's a choose your own adventure what do you do for a living if you're an architect, go to page eight. That is one of those... Sounds gay. Oh, fuck, he got me. Nice shirt, idiot.

This book roasted me. Nice book. Do they make it for men? Yes. Yes. So you actually... Have you attempted to start reading this book? Man, that was me reading the inscriptions and the tributes

and the bits up the front, and I got one paragraph in and went... Being like, it's not going to get much better. much yeah there's a couple of good good little chat points i might give it a bit of a go yeah but um would we know this dude no i never heard of this guy before right i have but yeah you have now no i'd had oh really yeah yeah well i'll go um yeah years ago so i remember mentioning it to another comedian. You're quite a commissar, though. Yeah.

But not down here. I could tell you most in the northern states, but Victoria's a different ballgame. Right. Better or worse? I think worse because there's more. Right. But probably same standard, just more.

And different levels of gutter. So you've crossed paths with this guy before? Yeah. Really? Where? I can't remember, but definitely have. When I saw him, I've seen this. Was he well hung?

That's the only part of him I saw. I saw him in a Japanese bathhouse. This rings a bell. When you were at Worcester Melbourne Comedy and you heard the word slit, it just activated something in your brain. Yeah, he's got slit like Spidey sense. Yeah, yeah.

When Hagee was working on Screen Australia he remembers stamping deny on the screenplay. Not big enough. Come back and rewrite it. He was in a NIDA class

that we were in together. So who's doing it for you at the moment on the scene in Sydney in this realm Oh I mean I haven't been Because I've been trying to write a show

You kind of go to better rooms I mean I don't have to It sounds fucking snobby I don't have to go to the lowest of the low There's another subset of fucking rooms You don't even know about Yeah that's true You don't even know

What they are Where they are Who anyone is on them Well I said this I said this weeks ago But like you know When I registered this show Called The Wor weeks ago, but like, you know, when I registered this show called The Worst of Melbourne Comedy,

my thing was, imagine if there was like a really bad night of comedy and then I accidentally just went to a room that wasn't mine and went, oh, this sucks.

Like, they still exist. I thought they'd been bred out of fucking... No, no. What do you mean accidentally? You fucking knew what you were doing. No, no, no.

You know what I did? I was talking about it. I went to Kappa's. Kappa said he was being a judge at a gong show. So you knew you were seeing bad comments. Yeah. Why did you think it was that bad though? Yeah, you said,

I'm going to go to a gong show that Nick Kappa is judging. That's on purpose. Accidentally would be like, oh, I was at Flower Drum and then all of a sudden an open mic started. No, but I forgot that they could be that bad. I thought they were all like decent level. I was like,

and I walked in, I saw one minute of Nick Kappa and I went, oh, this is really bad. Oh no, I forgot. But could be that bad. I thought they were all like decent level. I was like, oh, and I walked in, I saw one minute of Nick Capra, I went, oh, this is really bad. Oh, no, I forgot. But that's classic, like anything where it's like, oh, imagine going to this, where it's like the thought is often, the thought of it is very enjoyable. And then you're there and you're like, oh, now I'm just sitting in a bad show for an hour. It sucks.

But also, did I say, I think I said this, I think Abhishek was at that open mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did say this, yeah. And he was not going as well as what he did at our gigs. Yeah, I've got to say, it really did. But there wasn't non-professional comedians behind him rocket boosting him, to be fair. Yeah, it was a weird experience seeing it in a room on a Sunday night in the comedy festival. And in the crowd there were probably like eight like club rat um guys who i don't know why they were at the show to begin with but it like yeah it really although i will say when he

got to the point where he went he was pretty shaky start and i was like you know i was like nervous used to big crowds yeah i was nervous for my boy i was like fuck should i just start should i just start throwing some of my zingers in that I've been workshopping for the last four weeks to help him out? But then when he got to the line of, who the fuck is buying cum in the middle of the day? I mean, it's undeniable. So does he have confidence now?

He thinks he's... He's pretty confident. I think he's just in general, even outside of doing our stuff, he's like a pretty... I mean, he responded to an ad for a... We need someone's shit. So when you take him on tour,

does he have to do the same set? Yes, of course. Okay, that's it. What else would he do? He's locked into that forever now. He's not allowed to write a new joke. With us, yes. I did say...

It would not be funny if he did something else. I've got to say, though, the one other... His whole set was Sperm Bank Right And then one other shorter bit That I obviously hadn't seen before Yeah what did you think The other bit I really liked

Oh okay Probably not as much For us to play with Okay But a good But a good little slice of comedy That I really enjoy Maybe we can debut it

In Costa Moya We need to do a run Of four more shows here Before we go to Costa Moya Yeah yeah Just to really get Its sea legs up Work it up For the creatures of habit.

Bar and Band Room present Cozumel International Podcast Festival. Get into a – that's a real treat. Yeah. For the familiars. Yeah. Well, so should we – do we have an up – because we – so we put up the GoFundMe. Yep. To GoHaves.

Yes. With getting him over. Yes. And we hit the target. Yes. So it's all happening. It's all happening. It's all happening. It's all happening.

Have you communicated with him in any way? Yeah, yeah. I talked to him and I said, are you all good for this? It's funny because we did this live show last week and we went at the end. That's the end of Abishek, I guess, unless should we bring him to Samui?

And everyone's like, and so we put a go phone. We went, look, we'll go halves. And everyone's like, all right, and chipped in. And then at the end, like he walks out and went, so, Costa Mellon? He's like, oh, maybe. He's above it.

Yeah. He was like, oh, I've got this. You know what he was concerned about? He's trying to get a visa for Europe. And he goes, I don't have my passport on me. I'm like, they will give it back to you. It's fine. Oh, right, right. So his passport is off his passport is off yeah he sent it away or whatever and then he got and then and then he found out he just went home and googled and went

oh yeah i can get into thailand as an indian national and whatever i'm like yeah yes you can but i mean that does make sense why i wasn't immediately like fuck yeah he's like yeah i got this europe trip coming up it's like in our fuck yeah he's like yeah I got this Europe trip coming up it's like in our head we're going like yeah we're gonna give this guy his first ever bit of travel

it's like oh yeah he's immigrated here like this is his international trip yeah he's like a new mascot for you right so are you gonna make him do

like what tuxedo shit you did with Capra I did think about it yeah I mean it is in our head we're like ah look at this like great new funny thing we're doing and it's yeah I mean it is in our head we're like ah look at this

like great new funny thing we're doing and it's like I mean there's nothing new under the sun yeah yeah yeah yeah this is our new thing

like getting someone to say the same shit over and over until we just need to break him until he starts to go this is a bad idea yeah

this is bad now I did have a moment in my head of like oh yeah if we're you know if we're like raising money and like we're bringing him over, maybe we could like,

there's like something funny and like how we get him to go there. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, we have literally done that. You know, you guys, you set a dangerous precedent though because you ploughed through a few mascots over the years and they generally become successful.

Yeah, this guy is going to be huge. So you might have created a fucking, you know, I mean, whatever, very successful. Well, this one at least, it is like way more on record that we like, like everyone else that we've done that with

is like they've been having a bit of success on the scene already. You know what I mean? And we've become friends with them and we knew them and they were sort of at the same level as us.

This is a guy that, this is more of a guy that we've plucked out of like actual obscurity. Also, I think it's overplayed a bit that all these people get really big. It's just like they just get

slightly bigger than us, which is fucking not hard. And then they all ditch you and leave you in these fucking losers behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hold a suitcase on deal or no deal. They fucking made it. They're bigger than Tommy and Carl. Until new host of the

Daily Show, Abhishek Mishra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, exciting. We get to Abhishek Mishva. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, exciting. We get to have him over on the beach doing the sperm bank bit. Yeah, nice. Every single night. Hey, mates. We are dropping in mid-episode to give you a little bit of SpawnCon inside the main con.

We have thrown ourselves some money, transferred it from one account to the other. I've paid you and you've paid me. Yeah, exactly. To let you know about our show coming up in Brisbane in, what, two and a half weeks, May the 18th at the Brightside. Special guests and a surprise appearance by comedy. Yes. Some cracking guests. What is it?

In the afternoon, Brightside, 18th of May, was it 3 or 4 o'clock or something like that? I think it's 3. Yeah. You guys will figure it out. Yeah, you live there. We're flying there. We'll figure it out later. Why don't you click on the link, it'll say. Yeah. We're just going to go straight from the airport, so we don't really need to know what time it's on. Yes.

We just, when the doors open, we know it's fast approaching. We'll just be there roughly 4 hours beforehand anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Yeah, but some great guests. Look, behind the curtain of us doing live shows in other cities, we don't do shows there when there's only normal hometown people there. We make sure some good Melbourne comedians are there first.

Yeah. It's a huge weekend in Brisbane. It is, of course, comedy round. So get in. Come join us. It's been a while since we've been in Brisbane.

Always a good time up there. Get your tickets at littledumbdumbclub.com. And while you're there, you can also get the tickets to the Going Away Party in Melbourne at the Creatures of Habit

Bar and Band Room who are the proud supporters of the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival. That's June the 1st. It's going to be live talking dum-dum plus drinks.

Yeah. Get on it. See you there. Well, speaking of clown school, this is something I found out this week, Luke Heggie,

that I never knew about you. Oh, here we go. I never knew after all what you go on about on stage all this fucking shit you go on

what shit here we go the tough guy persona I mean we already know the whole French shit going on the little fucking scooter you ride around

the mandolin the mandolin the karaoke enthusiast all these things that go violently against your onstage persona. There's fucking Wally the worker up there. Up there in your high-vis and hard hat.

Just a battler trying to do the right thing, you know? I'll send you in the toilet applying the dust to your hands and wipe it off your brow as you walk up there. That's it. Like going backstage and spitting out all the fucking iced coffee

that you wouldn't bear touching normally. Luke Heggy, private schoolboy. Never knew it. Private schoolboy. I've made a fucking... You're exactly

the same as him. You're him. You're Tommy Dassler. You're Thomas Allsop over here. Were you on his rowing team? What's going on? Did you guys play lacrosse together?

Yeah. Fuck off. Ours was a bit... I mean, obviously people tried to downplay it because being dragged up out of the gutters is a much better narrative for comedy. I don't claim that. Well, he's changed his name.

He's Tommy Dasso he's trying to get the ethnic dollar Thomas Alsop's obviously a very private schoolboy name have you changed your name

were you Lucas Hegarty or something like that the third Esquire Junior Luke Winklevoss are you salt burning us

right now I think 80s uh catholic school is a bit different to private school now as we know it was technically a private school it was fucking cheap and we're kind of mom was had no money and they kind of let povs in every now and then was it was queensland yeah queensland yeah was Queensland private school. All right, so you had your butler coward punch people instead of you doing that. You still had to punch yourself. Do your own punching, yeah.

So, yeah, it's changed a bit. But, yes, technically, private school boy. Fucking hell. It's blown my world away. Because a good friend of yours. How did you find this out? Well, a good friend of yours did an expose and said, you know, Heggie's a private school,

but he's fucking cosplaying as a fucking normal bloke up there. Oh, right. Cosplaying. Someone's come to you like you're a current affair. Doesn't sound like a good friend to me. He's a good friend. He's a good friend. But you think Heggie should be up there in his schoolboy uniform.

In his little boater hat up there. Yeah. With his little prefect jacket on. You've got to claim it. You've got to declare this

before every gig. You've got to start by singing your school anthem before you start. Yeah, and instead of walking on stage,

your mum should drop you off. If it's any consolation, I went fucking downhill pretty quickly to the working classes fucking immediately for the rest of my life. Did you fail your fucking real estate exam?

I didn't fail anything. I went to university, but then after that, fucking nothing. Shit jobs until now. I heard a great quote from someone in comedy management once. He said, you'll never go broke appealing to the fucking lowest common denominator of people.

So that's what you did, hey? That's what you professed in high school. I don't appeal to the lowest common denominator. I fucking hate them. They're revolting. I think everyone's mixed up class or money for fucking lowest common denominator. Like a lot of classless people have money. Yeah.

A lot of poor people have brains. Yeah. Fucking it's hard to put them all in one thing. Lowest common denominator in comedy also is just fucking whispering in helicopter shit, isn't it? It's not... I don't know. But where did you go to school?

Is it Tuscany? Did I school? What house were you in? I don't remember. Green something. What house were you in? So you were in the most exclusive private school, Tommy Allsop? Yeah.

Well, one of, yeah. One of. Oh, I thought it was the biggest one. No, there's like two in Melbourne, maybe three. Because I don't know anything about private schools because in Maribor it's like I was at the posh one because it had a library. Right, right.

I've just got to go and let in maybe the good friend you were talking about, but I don't know. Another private school boy. Maybe my fucking dobber, a private school boy, Nicholas Cuddy. We're back in a minute. Actually using him. Okay.

Another private school boy. Yeah. You feel okay with just like leaving the room while we're here on mic? That's privilege. Pure privilege. He's going to get his chauffeur to come in and take over for him. Mater, come in and take this microphone for me. What else have you heard about him?

Oh, yeah, I've got one. What can we say about him while he's not here? Yeah, let's make up some scurrilous rumours. No, no, this is a good one. So the other spill I got from him was, yeah, because it was like quite a, yeah, he's just cosplaying up there. You know, he's a private schoolboy. You know what else?

He's a skilled and talented saxophonist. Oh, wow. Bleeding gums, Heggie. Yeah. Fucking hell. Well, this I want to hear about. Yeah. This I'd love to know more about.

Yeah, fuck. I'm just trying to figure out who the leak is at this point. I think I know. Somebody would say saxophonist, right? That's a narrow field, isn't it? Yeah. He's a fucking skilled fucking saxophone cunt. Yeah.

He blows you into one of those fucking tubes. Yeah, I don't know if you want a name on the air. No, no, no. You know what? I'll type it into my phone. Okay, you type it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I know.

I mean. What about. I have a guess as well. No. Oh, okay. What did you say? I said him. Some of the people wouldn't know anyway.

Oh, right. It's actually come from someone... Oh, yeah. Who then came from someone else and you picked it. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah.

Who's another dude that seems like a very privileged... Absolutely. And he could spill it because he was right next to him doing the same thing. Exactly. They know their own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the same house. I don't remember my house. Fuck off. Yes, you do. I'm really into you. Really? There's actual houses. See, I don't know.

Like a sporting house, you mean? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you have your, you go like start of the day. You have your like, I don't know private school at all. Like a sporting house, you mean? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you have your, you go like start of the day, you have your like, I don't know, house meeting or whatever. I thought this was just a Harry Potter thing, to be honest. Oh, it's just every day. Harry Potter made it up.

Yeah. Along with dragons and spells. Well, they made that up. Administration of a school is the craziest thing I could think of. Just like a house. Imagine being organized. Man, that's the wildest thing jk rowling said in years next you're gonna tell me the sorting hat isn't real

it truly is just like well it's kind of arbitrary in the same way that like if you had a relative that went to that school yeah you're just in the same house as them right but then i don't know where it begins like if you come in new uh-huh i don't know. But then I don't know where it begins. Like if you come in new, I don't know where you get put in. Oh, really? I don't know where you get put in. Oh, okay. Well, actually, I did move schools in year 11 and I didn't have any relatives that had gone there

and I just did get arbitrarily put into. I guess they just look at like how many people. There's one less in this one, so you just go. So how does it work? So I had houses in primary school because it was just, that's for sports carnivals and stuff like that, but this is every day. Yeah was just that's for sports carnivals and stuff like that. But this is every day. Yeah, basically it's for sports.

Like you have house sports. Right. But then you would also have, I think in year seven and eight, it was like a system where you would get, fuck, what was it? You would get, I'm trying to remember if it was you would like lose points for your house. Like if you fucked around in class or whatever. Right. Heggie's back. He's just restocked his favourite childhood drink,

a big bottle of Prosecco. He had to go check on the yacht. He's brought one of his own in, another private schoolboy just over here. Academic scholarship. See, you've got to put a caveat around your private schooling. Caveats are a word. A private school boy would use them.

Yeah, word of the day in grade two. Isn't that what you ate at fuck in the canteen? A couple of caveats? A couple of lobster caveats? Is that in your lunchbox? We found out something else about you while you were gone. Yes. Did you?

You've been in the bedroom asking questions. Oh, no, no, no, we haven't. This is another scoop from your little... You think we went and grilled your child? We couldn't understand him I went in there I tried to ask him a question

I said can we say ah and he had no answer to it even in French no one would fucking answer you that that is

absolutely nuts you are private school boy also oh yeah talented saxophonist talented skilled and trained saxophonist

is that true? I think I know who my fucking good friend is. Yeah, I think you probably do. The method I was going to take was we found out something about you, you were trying to guess what it was. And then we would inadvertently end up finding out new ones. Let's put it this way. If you want to guess who the rat is, I will give you a rose.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But the thing is, he's not being a rat. He's just a nice guy giving a, you know, he's always very complimentary, Osher, which is nice. He just knows things about his friends. Yeah. And he would have no idea that in your hands it turns into bullying.

He'd be like, no, I'm just begging up my friend. Most people hear a fact like that and they go, that's awesome. Shut up. You can play the saxophone. You're supposed to be a scumbag. Shut up. Yeah, exactly. He was next to you down in the velvet trenches with you.

Yeah, we're like, oh, you have a hidden talent? You fucking loser. Generation ago, this was the opposite. People were trying to big themselves. I go, no, I come from money, everyone. Now it's this industry. I've never seen anything like it. You've got to get

picked up you're doing most of it on stage to be fair Dave O'Neill's of the world being like do you know

these guys parents have money it's like you own a fucking house in Lawncunt you've got a holiday house

he goes literally he no O'Neill literally did tell me this he goes do you know

he's a private school boy I'm like of course you're the one to fuck of course he's the one to fucking find out. Of course. He's got the yearbook.

Yeah, he's finally finished the set. He now knows the schools that everyone in comedy has gone to. Yeah, he must have a board in his house that's like the... Like he's trying to find the Zodiac Killer where he's just got photos of comedians and bits of strings. Is that Tom Cruise movie, whatever that is, where he's got the fucking... Minority Report.

Minority Report. He's doing that. He's doing that. I love how it's such a big source of shame. Yeah, badly named because no minority to the school you boys went to. No minority report. I mean, I am quite culpable here.

When I was a boy, I told my parents what schools I was going to. That's how it works, isn't it? You say, when you're three or four, I'm my parents what schools I was going to. That's how it works, isn't it? You say, when you're three or four, I'm going to private schools, fuckwits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So obviously, it's my fault. I deserve this. Dad, I've decided, get out of 7-Eleven,

you're on the board of BHP Billiton now. So are you still, do you play the saxophone regularly? No. I don't have it. I've sold it. Oh, man. It's a really antisocial instrument to take out of high school and into share houses.

Like you're not fucking. Share houses, share mansions, whatever. Share villas. When you got into comedy and realised there was already a comedian that plays the saxophone, you were just absolutely no point. Already knew it. It was in my suburb. Really?

Oh, really? Yeah. Lived in my suburb. Really? Who's this? There's a guy, I forget his name, but we won't say it either way. A little bit different from playing at a private school. This guy plays it under a bridge.

At the beach. From playing at a private school. This cunt plays it under a bridge. But yeah. At the beach. Plays the saxophone in his act, which it's taking your mouth out of action. So I don't really know how you do comedy while playing the saxophone.

Might be a different one than the one I think. No, it's probably the same one. But also busks. Oh, right. Quite skillfully. It's a good busking instrument. Yeah. Oh, so the comedy career took off,

is what you're saying. Playing the saxophone Yeah Well you because you well you went you were private school and when did you

Yeah we got that Yeah yeah yeah Wait hang on Since when? I keep saying it Someone's getting tetchy with the corner So

Let's see the Hey Not mine That's My parents bought a holiday house from selling shoes Hey, not mine. My parents bought a holiday house from selling shoes to people in Maribor. So that's all right. Race to the bottom. That's all right. My parents.

I've never started a sentence with my parents. What are you supposed to say? Mummy and daddy. Painter and mater. Financiers. I honestly feel like a wrestler. What are you supposed to say? Mummy and daddy. Paker and mater. Financiers. I honestly feel like a wrestler. Like a tag team.

Yeah, we got any other mics around here? Good lord. I'll fucking do it. Have you got another port? I've probably got... Have we got a golden one for fucking Cody to plug in with? Yeah, he won't touch it. I might. I've got another mic

I might be able to get you in Hang on I can just hand him one I'm happy to step out Let's But you're You're You're private school

But you didn't do stand up until Much later though It wasn't Yeah 35 35 Yeah So just out of private school

Just I went back and worked there Like Screech Powers did Yeah Like who? Screech Powers 35, yeah, yeah, yeah. So just out of private school? Just out of private school. I went back and worked there like Screech Powers did. Yeah. Like who? Screech Powers. Who's Screech Powers? The kid from Saved by the Bell who went back and worked at high school. Oh, I went back, yeah.

There are actually some kids who did that. There's a dude at my school I went to. Went to high school, went to teaching school three years, back to high school, still there. Yeah. Same school. Yeah. Unbelievable.

What was he doing? That's fucking institutionalism. Teaching. He's teaching. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Well, Daslo went straight from private. He was private school while he was doing stand-up.

He started stand-up when he was 15 or 16 or something. Yeah. So was your first type five in Latin? How'd that work? Yes. He was coxing at the time. Yeah, I was doing gigs While I was in year 12

Yeah right Fucking hell Yep Did you get bullied Relentlessly for this No not at all People thought it was cool What sort of private school

Did you go to Oh there's no fucking way I mean maybe Sign of the times If you Like voluntarily Spoke publicly That's a bashing

Really Yeah pretty much No because Well for me it was like Oh you're going out During the week And like going to pubs And Oh right You know doing well for me it was like oh you're going out during the week and like going to pubs

and oh right you know doing this like adult thing did you ever do it at school was it like a talent show that was the first gig I did

was at school really you would have been already president of the debating club in there or something the debating team no we

like we had like a talent show thing at school like a drama night thing where like drama geeks could just do whatever they wanted. Right. And me and my friend hosted it together and he was like,

you should do, you should do stand up at it. I think you'd be good at it. So I did it there and then went. Had to go. Yeah, went good. First get good. But like, you know, just it's in front of people that sort of know you. Like it was classmates and stuff.

Yeah. And then, yeah. What's up with having a fucking third butt like that? It's a bit much isn't it This is the difference When I was at school I had to I was playing saxophone

In the band And we did this thing At an assembly And I had When you're doing a solo In the band You stand up for it I did that

My brother got bashed Because of me doing that So that's Brisbane private school And he's older than me Yeah He's older than you That's great He's made to like

Set your brother Fucking poofed up That's great That's awesome Wow Yeah Well I don't have siblings So there was no one to get back

Yeah okay Maybe if I did it It'd be a different story Maybe I would've like Done that gig At the talent show at school Gone and visited my brother In the hospital And been like I promise I promise never again Maybe if I did it, it'd be a different story. Maybe I would have done that gig at the talent show at school, gone and visited my brother in the hospital and been like, I promise never again to use this gift that I've been given.

You probably don't know. Your gardener probably got a wedgie out of the back of it. Oh, I got a secondary bashing when I got home later that day for doing it and getting him bashed. Oh, so you probably bashed him. Yeah, he came in and got bashed for that. A cycle of violence, yeah. Do you remember any of your jokes from the high school talent show?

God. Very quickly, by the way, O'Neill said, when he made the discovery you were private school, then I talked to him today and I was like, oh, fuck, what should I ask him about private school? Because I don't know anything about private school. He said, oh, yeah, ask him if he catches up with any of his fucking... If all of a sudden

there's like 20 people in suits that come to his gig. I'm like, that's a terrible question. He's just going to say no. I said, we've got Goldstein on as well. Now, Goldstein went to a high school,

so he's okay. I'm like, oh, fuck. He goes to American high schools now? Yeah, yeah. He's gone international. He's gone international. This is the real question that we've got to get to the bottom of. How does O'Neill find this stuff out? Yeah, yeah. He's gone international. He's gone international. This is the real question

that we've got to get to the bottom of. How does O'Neill find this stuff out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, how the fuck do you know about Goldstein's school?

He's got so much money, he's got people working on it. Yeah. He's got P.I.s. He's got stuff. Down at his holiday house. He's just going through yearbooks now,

fucking like, searching for comedians. He's got a research department for his crowd work. Yeah. That should be, next time we have him on, we should actually for comedians he's got a research department for his crowd work that should be next time we have him on

we should actually say comedians names and try and stump him get a school no but that's helping him

because then anyone that comes up that he doesn't know then he's like great go work on that

we're just making him stronger he takes the powers from us get stronger stronger yeah

Cody anything to add over what's happened in the last few weeks definitely stronger also though the private school I went to was not your typical

here we go there we go it's gone hangy Westbourne Grammar I'm still not in the notable alumni on Wikipedia oh shit

you check you check daily Bella Page runner up of the Voice Juniors finalist she's in there I'm not

Julian Knight's not in there Hoddle Street Massacre don't know what you have to do to get a fucking run on Westbourne Grammar Wikipedia that's literally

like a thing you could say who do I have to fucking kill around here to get a bit of notice I'm probably on a billboard above the fucking school and I still can't get on the notable alumni page

Wikipedia you could self edit so you could just go and add yourself someone did a listener of Midfly Brawl did. They did? Yeah. Your teacher came to my show.

My children's author. Your ex-teacher came to my show the other day. Was it him? He fucked around on the Wikipedia, didn't he? Was it him? I think so. I think he's the one who fucked around on Wikipedia. Did he tell you off for not wearing your tie?

Yeah. He got the ruler out and just gave me knuckles of fucking whack. And also, to bring up what I heard before, Chandler giving Heggie shit, there was probably no one of colour at your school compared to the melting pot of Maryborough, Victoria. He didn't even see a Chinese, as he says it, until he moved to the Big Smoke.

Well, we didn't know what they were, so how could they come to us? Similar mentalities in an inner city private school and a regional public school. It's us v everyone. Don't let them in. No, we had several Greek boys that came to start up their fish and chip businesses that they then changed their name so that we wouldn't fucking bash them

called Jim and Jim. Heggie, this is the real private school test. Any instances of diddling come to light after you left the school? Fucking absolutely. That's the real test. If no one got molested at your school, it's not a real private school. We just bashed the teacher. Have we ever had someone

that does breakfast radio on those shows that knows how to talk into a fucking mic? Yeah, here's a guy. I get one in my microphone. There's one in front of him to be fair.

More privilege from the private school boy. Fucking hell. Hold my microphone. Yeah, we had... So I think these are the two big ones. Yeah, allegations of... I think these are the two big ones. Yeah, allegations of...

And confirmed diddling after you left the school. And also teacher discovered to have been rooting one of the mums. Yeah. Oh! We had a couple of them. I mean, we had a PA teacher and a student, but that was pretty good for us. I know we could afford that.

How dreadfully common. Which one was the... I'm pretty sure that's the deadling one, though. Which one was the man? The teacher or the student? Yeah, that's deadling. I mean, the other way, it's really sexy. That way, it's pedophilia.

Yeah, but they got married, so I think everyone felt like, oh, they sort of got away with it or whatever. It's like teacher's pet stuff. It's terribly boorish, isn't it? Isn't it, Lucas? My primary school, I was a day boy there. The boarders had a bad time. Oh, the boarders are bad, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why do they have a bad time? Because they get molested. Oh, right, after dark. Once the sun goes down, the fingers come out, I guess. Yeah, you know you're at a private school when... Once the sun goes down the fingers come out I guess yeah you know you're at a private school when um or once the sun goes down the suns go down

you know you're at a private school when the reverend's molesting you and he's got his pinky out while he's jacking you up fuck I might chuck that in the act

so you can probably tell just by looking at me I was molested at school pleasure to be here I've just come from religious studies so it's good to be anywhere So you can probably tell just by looking at me, I was molested at school. Pleasure to be here. I've just come from religious studies, so it's good to be anywhere. After you get diddled, they doff their top hat. Keep this under your hat, your top hat.

We had a, we had, I've told this before, we had, when I was in year 10 or 11, 10, I think, there was like a website that went up that was like photos of boys from my school that had been taken with like a long-range camera. Oh, yes. And it was like, we got called in for a full school assembly because it was going to be on the news that night. And it was like, they were trying to take it down, but they were having trouble getting it taken down because it's like, oh, no, it's a photography pro.

But it was like kids in there from my school like in their like sports uniforms like walking to row, like not knowing that they were being photographed and just like no text. What did you say, walking to rowing? Walking to like rowing practice or like whatever, just like, yeah, boys being photographed, like not knowing they're being photographed

and like no text or like nothing really on the website other than just the images so that you know the defense was like no it's just a it's just a photography site you know we just take photos out in public well see that's where my private school was different because the school down the road there was a current affair story where girls at the school were selling blow jobs for five dollars so on our school bus on the way home everyone would have five dollars out the window must be nice five dollars we only got two so we so yeah it was like a big thing where we got we got brought into an assembly just to like give us the heads up like hey this is going to be on A Current Affair tonight that it's this thing that's our school

and maybe one or two other schools. And then immediately we all just go into the computer labs and look the site up and people are taking stock of how many times they're on the website. And if you were someone like me who wasn't on there, you got bullied. I got teased for not being good enough

for the fucking pedophile website. My friend was on there eight times. He's like, yes! Walking around like the king for the next week. That's awesome. That's awesome. That would be in his school book, wouldn't it? Eight times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just his nickname order, eight times. Yeah. Yeah, you probably got a little stripe on the blazer. Yes. On the blazer pocket. Yes. Most photographed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What were you the blazer. Yes. Most photographed.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What were you in rowing? No, I was getting jacked off too. Yeah. That's what I majored in. We had a guy in year 12 who, when you could get like a rugby, you could get like a rugby jumper with like a name on the back of it

and you could choose what it was. And there was a guy in my year level who just got G on the back and someone came up to him and was like, what, what's that about? Why'd you get G on the back of your thing? And he's like, Oh,

you know, cause I'm, cause people are always saying that I look like Andrew G and people are like, does it, has anyone ever said that? You look like that dobber. And he's like, and everyone's like,

who's, but when you say everyone says this, who, like who's said this? And he's like, and everyone's like, who's, but when you say everyone says this, like who's said this? And he's like, you know, like everyone in the year level says it

and we're like, no, none of us have ever said this. And it's like at the time, you know, like the, the big like hot guy

on TV, just a crazy thing to just invent. Like, you know how everyone's always saying, I look like this guy. It's like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Is this probably one of you guys, Cody? This is a kid on a scholarship. You know, he doesn't actually you talking about? You know what? This is probably one of you guys, Cody. This is a kid on a scholarship. He doesn't actually have the money. He could only afford one letter on the back of the fucking thing.

Had to create a backstory for it. I just went with N. I go, what's the... Not the one you're thinking of. I'll give you a clue. None of them are here. My friend put in to get Mr Hardcore, who was like a prominent porn star at the time.

Oh, my gosh. And they just went with it. Because it's just some little old lady in the fucking uniform shop. So they just went with it. And he's put it in and we're like, there is absolutely no way you're going to get this across the line. And he's like, I'm feeling pretty good about it. And then the day they all get delivered,

he's just proudly holding it up like, check me out boys mr hardcore like fuck that rules he's done it big question with your mum and dad putting you into private school for that many years and now off the back of it now you're doing a podcast with me yeah how does that feel like is it a waste of money yeah it's the real i mean it is the true we did the the lessons that we took on interacting with commoners really comes in handy every week oh great

great great yeah how many modules did you take of dealing with the great unwashed I went to a reunion

a few years ago for like it wasn't not back in Brisbane but in Sydney there was like a dozen yeah some of that got in touch

go to this place alright turn up and it is a real lesson in being the commoner. They are fucking high-achieving actual private. If you get, they're all bankers and fucking surgeons. Especially the ones that are going to the reunion.

No one's like, man, my life's on the skids a bit. I've had to move back home. Better check into the reunion just to give it a bit of balance. I like this guy. He's like the opposite of everyone else. It's like, oh, you've forgotten your roots. It's like, check out these real estate agents. That's only going to be like... I like this guy. He's like the opposite of everyone else. I was like, oh, you've forgotten your roots. It's like, check out these

real estate agents. That's your roots, cunt. I know. Private school boys. I went to dinner. You're forgetting your upbringing. I went to dinner with him. I just looked in,

just shitting myself at having to pay probably 200 bucks each a meal. What the fuck? I've never had a meal cost this much, you cunts. They were fucking going for it.

Like, it's just... Oh, really? Different world. And you were having a few questions about what's Charlie Pickering really like. You're playing the saxophone in the corner. Now that you've got undercover, what are cornflakes like?

Heggy left the dinner and someone at the front just gave him an Uber Eats bag to take. He's like, no, I'm not going to bring that. It's actually here as a part of the reunion. He's the closest to a colored person we've ever met. Have you been to any reunions? They asked me to do stand-up at my 10-year reunion. And I fucking just did not go at all. Because I'd have to fly back to the States for it.

And then what a nightmare. Even the talent show shit you said like yeah anxiety at least with the talent show thing you're like i'm young and naive yeah you know what i mean stupid enough to be like everyone will find this cool yeah but going back doing it at the 10-year reunion and probably bombing surely bombing right yeah yeah they want to see it shit there should be like something that you get if you say yes to a gig like that and you crush it, you should get some, there should be some like ultimate reward that you get.

You get to fuck the gym teacher. Consensually this time. I just meant like in the world of comedy, like the most outstanding comedian shouldn't be an award at the end of the festival. It should be like, this guy turned up to his 10 year high school reunion. He did his act like

as he normally does it and it killed that you are the best comedian that would be a great special like that's where you film your special oh big time yeah that would be amazing yeah fuck if you keep it together and just do the whole show and die that'd be a fucking awesome special right it'd be really good and just nothing from if Fuck, that'd be awesome. If you make the commitment where it's like it goes out live or it's like however this goes, I'm putting it out. If you sell tickets, if you sold like 100... That'd be great. If you're on stage, you've got your school reunion people there,

then you sell tickets to normal people to watch you and your school reunion react to it. That's a good show. Not bad. Yeah. So wait, you've got like a second venue where people are watching the live feed? There's a second crowd. Not bad. Yeah. So wait, you've got like a second venue where people are watching the live feed? There's a second crowd.

Yeah, okay. So you're cutting around like... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when they have like... It's like Blues Brothers, like wire fence in between everyone. I do like that. Like the cut around of like the,

you know, like a final or whatever. Yeah. Someone scoring a goal and they're showing like bars in like Madrid and like the world over. People like, yes yes like people in the town square yeah you get it beamed into like fed square you at your school reunion opening with your pedophile jokes yeah but the guy who was school class president was a good friend he set up a facebook page for like you know the alumni of this high school and he made me an admin of the page for

some reason and i grew up with him you know like i go back to the states go you know drinking well i have a picture of him from 20 years ago where he's shit face butt naked on the toilet you could see just the top of his day right and i made it the cover photo of the facebook page in the group he didn't talk to me for like eight years I made it the cover photo of the Facebook page in the group. He didn't talk to me for like eight years. Haven't talked to him for eight years. And then anyway, here he is doing some comedy at this reunion. Mike Goldstein.

Top front row. Exactly. All right. We better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Luke Heggy, Mike Mike Goldstein thank you very much for joining us thanks for having us you guys both

have podcasts Luke you got mid-flight brawl yeah I do with Nicholas Cody right here I've got a tour rolling on too

actually yes the Sydney, Perth and Brisbane comedy festivals big shows lots of fucking spare seats

so get in yep same as well Perth and Sydney when is this out I don't know maybe next week yeah yeah Yep. Same as well, Perth and Sydney. When is this out? I don't know. Maybe next week.

Yeah, yeah. Sydney's coming up and then Perth after that. Again, plenty of spare tips. And the phone hacks podcast. who can forget the phone hacks podcast? Evidently you.

Pretty easy. Yeah, yeah. We're still trotting that shit out every week. So yeah, have a listen. Cool. Cody, anything. We're still trotting that shit out every week, so yeah, have a listen. Cool. Cody, anything you'd like to plug?

Yeah, I've got my 20th school reunion coming up. Oh, really? Yeah. 20th? Stand up. 20th. Fuck. 2004.

Yeah, right. Where is it? French Riviera? Or where's it being held? Somewhere in the Western suburbs. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. And they've done it again. Yes, almighty. I love comedy. Yeah, just pushing one out. The little bits of petrol left in the tank. Two days after the comedy festival. It's been beautiful to have a little rest from content.

We were at one point trying to do it the morning after the festival finished and one of our guests said, no thanks. Yeah. Basically said, I'm going to hate comedy. And then I thought, yes, I will too. It was a very, I respected it, but it was quite, I don't know what you'd call it, passag. It was a feel free to find someone else. Yes.

Oh, I'm allowed to do that, am I? Yeah. That's very gracious of you. Yeah, funny stuff. I mean, I was like, I'm not drinking at the moment, so it makes no difference to me one way or the other. Yeah. This person was like, I think, planning to send it.

Oh, look, I think I wasn't even drinking on the final night of the festival, but the thought – when I woke up in the morning, the thought of doing a podcast revolted me. Yeah. So, yeah, nice to have a little day off and then get the wheel spinning again. Well, again, that's how I feel every week, so it makes no difference to me. Yeah, I'm not that far off feeling that right now, actually, now that you mention that. But, yeah, good fun.

Little surprise drop-in cameo from Nick Cody. Yeah. A little bit of help there. Extend up comedian Nick Cody. Yep, yep. Good to get him back doing comedy again. He kept dropping the microphone because he hadn't held one in his hands for so long.

Holding it the wrong way around, trying to talk into the cord. He kept picturing us naked just to calm his nerves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kept saying, hope this first time goes better than my first time having sex.

Hey, Nick. Good shit. Yeah, I talked about seeing Abhishek do comedy the night before this. Yeah, when I said I wasn't drinking on the final night of the festival, that's what I was doing. Instead, I was watching Abhishek do comedy, actually from the front, not checking out his little hiney while he's doing the sperm bank bit. Doing the 180.

And you saw him last night. He messaged me to say he was doing Spleen and that he was wearing the T-shirt that I'd made. Inexplicably. I go, you know, because I was like, fuck, I should put him on. He's never done Spleen before, like a normal Spleen gig. And then all he's done is a packed house at the basement. Sort of beneath him now, honestly.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah why go back they say you play it twice in your career at least I only played it once so I thought I better put him on so I put him on there

last night full house you know great line up and whatever he's wedged in the middle there and I come backstage and he's just inexplicably wearing that shirt

that you made him on that last episode a picture of a drawing of him yep with his name on it yeah he's wearing the shirt backstage yep and i'm like why are you wearing that a drawing of him which to be clear why it's funny is because it looks like it's in the style of the dave hughes yes character t-shirt so the whole thing was having it alongside that it's like hey look there's another one of them out there yes so just that in isolation like hey here's a bad character of me yeah by the way let's make a note that i do always appreciate that you say it caricature

caricature yeah caricature caricature caricature caricature caricature um it's good it's cute caricature caricature um so yeah he was backstage going and. It's cute. Caricature. Caricature. So, yeah, he was backstage going, and I'm like, why are you wearing that? He's like, oh, you know, just to keep it going and whatever. I'm like, that's not how it works. Keep the momentum going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he messaged me. He was like, oh, thanks so much for giving me the shirt.

I was like, what else was I going to do with it? Honestly, I appreciate the thanks, but zero effort on my part to just hand this over to you. You can have the rest of them if you want. Yeah, I was going to put it in the Australian comedy Smithsonian. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you could have it instead. Yeah. Yeah, so he's just wearing it.

I'm like, I had to say to him, you do know that whenever I'm involved in a gig, it's not the same dum-dum podcast crowd. Like, these are normal people. Yeah. a gig it's not the same dumb dumb podcast crowd like these are normal people yeah outside out out there you're about to see a few swedish backpackers some bored businessmen in melbourne for the night and just some fucking losers with nothing to do on a monday night yep this is completely different it's like no that's that's fine did he okay and did he wear it on stage yes and what did he reference it? Apparently. I was like, I'm not sticking around for this.

Nice. I was tired. I wanted to go home. I put him on later because I thought the crowd would be nice and warmed up by the time he went on. Yep. And I was just getting up. But you know what else was nice and warmed up? That bed of yours. Yes, exactly.

So apparently he went all right. And I messaged him this morning to go, how was it? And he goes, it was great. Thanks so much. I even referenced the shirt. And I wasaged him this morning. How was it? He goes, it was great. Thanks so much. I even referenced the shirt. And I was like, well, I'm glad you fucking did. It would be very weird to not do that. I'm glad he's getting mileage out of the shirt.

It makes it all worthwhile. Warms my heart. And yeah, I have had requests to put it up on Redbubble. Apparently there's people, apparently the open mic community. I've heard. I talked about this on the episode. I've heard. But the open mic community,

they're all keen to get around. One of them has done good. He's gotten out of the slums. They want to support their boy. Gotten out of the comedy projects. And so yeah, I'm happy to help out with that. I don't want to get them made

and have to fucking do any of it myself. But if I can just chuck it up there. This is like me. This is like someone throwing away Detective Comics number 27 or whenever Batman made his first appearance. After that live pod, one listener just comes up and goes, can I have that shirt? I'm like, absolutely. Just throw it away. Yeah, so he's got one.

That listener's got one. And then I guess I have to check how many are in the pile. I guess I've just got all the rest. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if any of the others, did Hughsey take his home with him? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Find out. Find out what happened to the missing ones. Abhishek, yeah. I better put Abhishek on notice. He's got to wear his to Samui. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We got to give one of them to these guys who, like, there's a couple of, like, comedy rooms that have, like, t-shirts with the little logo on the breast. And there's some people that are, like, they'll get one of them and then they're very, you know, you kind of learn how many shirts people have in their rotation because you're like, I see that catfish comedy shirt getting a big run on that person. I reckon that's one of about four T-shirts that they own. You know who's a good one? And I'm not saying, I think he just likes the shirt.

Sam Taunton bought one of my bootleg McDonald's shirts. And every time I see that cunt in a photo, he's got it on. So maybe we need to hand the Abishek shirt off to him. Get him wearing it on the project under the blazer. He's never in a shirt. He's just got the T-shirt under the blazer. So just being able to see the word sperm just poking through the crack in the blazer. I mean, we got Ballard to wear our shirt on the gala one time.

Can we get Abhishek on the gala? We got Ballard wearing our shirt on the gala, and then about two weeks later he told me that his management had organised for him to have a stylist and go out in black clothes for him. Yeah, I believe the stylist is called Raise Ten City. Oh, damn. He's all right. He's okay. He's all right.

Yeah, yeah. Good on him. Speaking Yeah. He's okay. He's all right. Yeah, yeah. Good on him. Speaking of people who are okay. More than okay, in my opinion. My humble opinion. The people who support this show, the people who put the fucking pieces of cardboard and stuff under the wheels of this bogged podcast. Nice.

The Patreon subscribers. Thank you to everyone who subscribes to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. But in particular this week, let's put a little spotlight on a little handful of people. Starting with this guy. Thank you very much

to Patreon subscriber Toby or Tobias Hughes. Yeah. Is that how you pronounce it? Tobias Hughes. Yeah. Yeah. Is that how you pronounce it? Tobias? Yeah.

T-O-B-I-A-S? Yeah. Tobias? Whenever I hear that, I think people are deliberately mispronouncing that because why would anyone want that name? How do you think it should be pronounced? Tobias. I don't know.

You're making fun of caricature. Yeah. I think it should be said Tobias. Yes. Tobias. Yeah. Bias. Tobias. You're making fun of caricature. And you think it should be said Tobias. Yes. Tobias. Tobias. Tobias. Tobias is insane. It sounds crazy.

Toby's fine. But it's on the... You could have that name and then just be like, no, this is how it's pronounced. I'm changing it. Yeah. Oh, Toby. Oh, Toby. I do know Hughes. And this Hughes I know is Toby or Tobias. It's got this name.

It's got everything, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Toby Highway. We're going on down the Toby Highway right now. Tobias Highway. Yeah. Tobias. The Tobias Highway.

Yeah. Do you know there is a Chandler Highway in Melbourne? And it's sort of, depending on where you come from in the city, you can actually, I could give you directions to my house by saying, just go down the Chandler Highway. Your old house and my old house, it was how I would get here. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, not here. When you lived in your old house and when I was in Clifton Hill, I was right near that. I was right... I was a stone's throw away from the entrance to the Chandler Highway. Right. When I was in my infamous Riversdale Road location where I would be screamed at quite regularly.

Yep. I don't get that anymore where I live now. Yeah, which is sort of a little bit of a i was going to say a shame but then i think back to being screamed at regularly on riversdale road and i think maybe it wasn't a shame yeah but uh there is a list you know what i think this is funny because this is a very small street that i live in right now there is a listener that lives next door that i say all the time yep there was a listener in this block door that I see all the time. Yep. There was a listener. In this block. In this block.

Yep. There was two listeners that moved out of here that once gave me a ride home from a live podcast. Yep. But they moved out. I think there might be a new listener in the street because I walked out of the street yesterday and a guy was walking his dog in the street and went, hey, love the pod. Okay. I was like, oh, cool. Okay.

Yeah. And i looked around to see where he went and it was like he wasn't walking outside of this block he was still in this block so in the street okay there might be another one well let us know yeah let's know if you're the guy walking the dog that said hello the other day he might be listening he might have the airpods in right now yeah be walking the dog as we as we speak as he hears this well that happens a lot you know how times has that happened to you? Heaps where someone walks by and goes, I'm just listening to you. Like I have that happen a lot where someone will hold up the phone.

Yeah. The episode will be on the phone and go, I'm listening to you right now. Someone, this would be like 10 years ago, I was at 7-Eleven and I was paying. And then just like someone like behind me gave me the reach around. They just kind of like slid their me the reach around they just kind of like slid their phone around behind me into my field of vision and it just had the our logo on the podcast yeah not a tap on the shoulder yeah not a wait until i turn around and say g'day just the actual sliding into my vision i really liked it i got a nice little um call back from before um

the other day i know ages ago we did it we did a thing where we said you know what you don't subscribe you don't you know on patreon you don't come to a live show just when you see us on the street sling us a fucking 50 give us money give us some money some bloke on colin street which just comes up goes love the show fuck i'm too tight for patreon whatever fuck it here you go here's 50 bucks and i was like and that's good yeah and i was like i was like you know because it feels bad to take it to be honest you feel like yeah yeah yeah but then the guy was suited up he's on colon street yeah he's come out of an office yeah fuck it i'll

take it from the fat cat no worries i had i think after we talked about and i was talking to brett blake on the phone at the time and i was like like, he was like, what was that? I was like, Random just gave me 50 bucks. He's like, I've got to get a slice of that. I'm part of this. I'm on the line for this. Someone did it to me. Like, I think we both had someone do it to us, like, right after we talked about it. And then it was like, oh, this is funny.

This is like the week we've talked about it. This feels okay to take. But yeah, this far down the line, someone doing it i would feel like i can't take i can't accept this this feels weird yeah this isn't a funny little bit from the week now yes this is just genuinely me taking money from a stranger yes yes i did feel that for a second and then i i overrode that yep um. And I took that sweet coin. Yeah, I think that's fine. But Toby.

Oh, Toby. Toby. Oh, Toby. You've done it again. He's ruined his track record. Never call here again, Toby. We'll take the money from the Indian cleaners, but not from you. Yep.

But he's also a squeaky wheel. A long-time subscriber was in the Millionaire group, in the Millionaire Patreon Facebook group. Said, I've been subscribing since back when we did the magazine. Yeah, that's a long time. That's a long time ago. Pre-pandemic. Yeah. So had to have a stern word to the UTA and get on to him.

Fuck. Isn't it funny that we cancelled the magazine right at the start of the pandemic? Yeah. Isn't it funny that we cancelled the magazine right at the start of the pandemic? Yeah Right as it would have been as much of a difficult thing to fit in Was when we got rid of it Should we bring it back for one month? No

No? No I enjoyed it if only for your illustrations It would make you do cool illustrations Yeah It was just very As we always used to say it was just very time consuming for the amount of engagement that it felt like it got one of those things that there's no way of tracking so you have no way of knowing if you're completely wasting your time

every now and then someone would make a post in the group being like good issue this week yeah and there'd be like one comment being like, I haven't read it yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'd just feel like, is anyone? But then we made that physical copy. Yeah. Where we collected like the best bits of however many we'd done. Yeah.

And that looked cool. Yeah. That was a good little piece of product. Did I keep a copy of that? I'm not sure if I did. Yeah. I've got one. Maybe we should reprint them if people are keen.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that maybe hasn't aged that well. I don't know. Yeah, I've got mine. I'll have a leaf through. Yeah, have a look. I'll try and find the dodgiest page

and we can just re-upload that. I can think of it already. I reckon I already know what it is. Interesting. All right. Well, thanks, Toby Hughes. Thanks, Toby. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sean Warburton.

Ooh. Yeah. Okay. What do you think? Warburton, beautiful part of the world. It's a town. In what area? How would you describe that?

I guess it's just beyond the Yarra Valley, Healesville adjacent. Yes. We have a listener at the Healesville pub when I was there getting lunch. describe that uh i guess it's just beyond the arrow valley hillsville adjacent yes um we have a listener at the hillsville pub when i was there getting lunch maybe not quite a year ago yeah um down towards guy who manages it came up and was like hey i love the podcast oh wow great um that's great i love the idea of more managers of pubs listening to us. Yeah. As in, just like the manager of the Creatures of Habit bar and band room, who proudly present the Coast of Millie International Podcast Festival.

How's this? Here's a little bit of an update on the festival. Yep. As this comes out, I will be jetting off, as I explained on last week, I guess, on Talking Dumb Dumb. I'll be jetting off as i explained on last week i guess i'm talking dumb now i'll be jetting out to coast millie uh which i think was in hindsight a good idea because i have not heard anything from the resort for quite a while including this week i've i've emailed them twice again this week heard nothing then i went fuck that's right i've got the guy's details on whatsapp and i hit him up and then all of a sudden i get a response yep uh because i'm like i'm because

i'm going there going i'm gonna have a meeting with him i couldn't fucking book in a meeting with this guy right so so the meeting is happening now uh thank fuck for that uh but uh yeah hey um we uh we have a uh another listener that's the manager of the uh the the creatures of habit bar and band room and that's happening on june one yep they're going away um to come, it's the manager of the Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room, and that's happening on June 1. Yep. They're going away. So come down, it's only $10, it's Talking Dumb Nomes, one of these ones. Yeah.

It's this live. Yeah. What an ad. Yeah. We'll get a guest. No, we've done these live a couple times before. We've done them like after another live episode, and they're sometimes more fun than the actual episode yes a bit looser yep um and plus we'll be encouraging it'll be like a mini drunk cast

well we do these at like you know 10 a.m or whatever so it's a different vibe but when we're doing these like in the afternoon up on a stage a couple of beers you think you've heard you think you've heard a couple of fellas read out some names before. You ain't heard nothing yet. Yes, yes. If you want to hear names slurred, then yeah. Yeah, Warburton, that's towards where I got married as well, I guess. Oh, yeah. Sort of.

It is. I think you drive through it on the way, maybe. Maybe. I've definitely driven past that venue several times because my fiancé loves it out in Warburton. So we go there a bit. And I've definitely driven past that venue a few times. Yeah. Yeah, good sort of part of the world, I guess, if you can be fucked driving out that way.

Yeah. You know what? It's not that far. It's pretty like, yeah, it's only like an hour and 20 minutes. Every time you go anywhere, I feel like this is the case with anywhere. As soon as you leave Melbourne, it's like, oh, yeah, you've got to go to a bakery. They do these good, you know, whatever. Everything in this bakery is really good.

It's like, I feel like just because you're not in Melbourne, the pies get better for some reason. I don't know why that is. Yeah. If it's true or not. Whether it's just a weird association I have with the country or with trees or with not being in the city. I had a country bakery pie on the weekend and it was fine. Yeah. But it was like 10 minutes until closing.

So there wasn't much left. Just been sitting there in the warmer all day. Yeah. In the warmerton. Yeah. You can't blame that on no no but i could i also just because there was like three different places that we could have gone oh yeah and it was i could even just be on the fact that it wasn't at its prime you know serving time and temperature yeah i could still sort of see through that to be like i don't reckon this is the best place on the strip i reckon there's better yeah yeah that sort of that sort of see through that to be like, I don't reckon this is the best place on the street. I reckon there's better.

Yeah. Yeah, that sort of world, it's sort of a bit like, I see it a bit like Dalesford. You go there and it's like, oh, yeah, there's some cool people out here and some cool businesses and, you know, there's some stuff going on and then you see some of the hill people and you go, fuck, this is also just a place where fucking weirdos live as well. Well, that's literally where we were. It was Dalesford.

And Dalesford, I feel like, Dalesford's like, I don't know, it's just like being in a fucking extension of live as well. Well, that's literally where we were. It was Daylesford. And Daylesford, I feel like, Daylesford's like, I don't know, it's just like being in a fucking extension of South Yarra. It's like, I don't know, my friends who I was there with were like, God, I'd love to live out here. But it's like, go to drive down the main street. Traffic is banked up.

You can't get a park anywhere. There's very few just like, honest to God, just like country pubs. Everything's like tarted up and like gastro and like i would go insane living here i think yeah like you may as well just be like going down the shops and it takes you like 15 minutes to get around the roundabout yeah it's like this would drive me up the fucking bend if i lived here you know what it's a bit like this is such a wild comparison but i think talesford's's like Las Vegas because the people

who actually live there would never go into that main street or whatever it is, into those crazy fucking expensive restaurants and pubs and stuff like that. Because the people, like I've said, I used to play soccer for Dalesford and it's like the real people that live in Dalesford are nothing like those cunts. That's it. I do wonder how many of those people are left because even like when we were there there's fucking proper hill people yeah out the back but the sunday market was on when we were there and even just so that just banks traffic up even further and so just like driving down this one strip took like 10 minutes and i

was like i could just imagine if you'd live there your whole life like the town getting to a point where you're like it's time to go it's time to go further off the grid. This used to be away from the city and now this just feels like the city. It's time to fucking go even more remote. No, totally. Because like they say, you know, the people that, you know, you can't go to Daylesford anymore. You can't buy in there.

So then they went out to Castle Main and all these other places. And even that now feels like it's getting a bit like, you know. Not long till they turn up in Maribor. Yeah. Yeah. Because Maribor is only 30 minutes, 25 minutes from Castle May. Honestly, that probably will be the next one. Yeah.

Yeah. Everything gets pushed. Like there's a trendy like brew pub in Castle May now. There's gigs on there. There's like some gig venue that like you see, you know, good acts all the time are like, hey, we're warming up for the tour down in Castlemaine. Yeah. No, totally.

Well, thanks, Sean Warburton. Thanks, Warbsy. A little bit more, a little bit different here. Thank you very much. I've just been talking about a town that's in the opposite direction to Warburton. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber SBSFood69. Okay.

Yeah. Interesting. Some of these ones I don't i don't dare read out i think well you put your name as fucking sam and then that's it i go well i'm not gonna bother with that one but if you're gonna make up something like this then sure you get your name right out i do like the idea because you know um every there's so many channels now with digital TV that like, you know, Seven Mate is like channel 703 or whatever. I do like the idea that SBS Food is 69 on the TV.

Is it? Well, I don't know. But if that's what this was hinting at, I mean, that would be – Let's turn it on. That would make a lot of sense. Yeah. That truly is the bringing together of SBS and food is the 69ers. Oh, yeah.

SBS and food, dinner for two. Yeah, you're right. What is Channel 69 on the digital television? Well, look, this TV is welded onto fucking 22 and 23, the fucking ABC kids stuff. I never do much of a lap of anything else to be honest let's see sbs oh sbs food there we go 33 that's annoying that's a shame that's a shame that's a shame damn fuck what is does it go to no there's no 69 what happens no channel 69

70 oh you go straight from channel 31 which is now 44. Yeah, it makes sense. That's fucked. Yeah. To Channel 7. To 7. 7 HD. So we infamously, what do you call it, cut our teeth on Channel 31. Yep. And by cut our teeth, you mean... Met. Well, we cut our TV teeth on Channel 31 and then never used our teeth ever again.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. What is on Channel 31 and then never used our teeth ever again. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. What is on Channel 31? If Channel 31 doesn't get Channel 31, SBS is Viceland HD. Fuck, this is great radio. What does that fucking mean? Just tuning on the TV and seeing what each channel is. Yes. This is new for me.

I never look at what's on TV. How is there not a Channel 69? Is that like some hotels they won't have a floor 13 because that's bad luck. Yeah. It's like, we can't put a Channel 69 or people will lose their fucking minds. People won't be trusted with it. But 70 is like when the Channel 7 channels start. How is Seven Mate not on Channel 69?

Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Seven something, but Seven Mate does not exist. Would you like to remove it? Okay. Wow. Yes. You've got to do that TV update thing where it does the scan for the channels.

Because remember back in the day, you could just, like on an old TV, you could just have it on whatever, you could just tune the channel to whatever you wanted. Yeah. Like if you just had the button on the TV. Yes. If you felt like, you know, you'd go to some wacko's house and they'd be like, yeah, Seven's on Channel 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you used to be able to do that.

Yeah. Why can't you do that anymore with the digital TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be like, I want SBS Food to be on Channel 69. Yeah. Man, this is, you know, this is a good reason to go through the channels right now. I never fucking, I'm one of these cool cunts

from five years ago that would say. I never fucking, I'm one of these cool cunts from five years ago that would say, I never watch TV anymore. I finally am this guy. Yeah. The only TV I watch is fucking Peppa Pig and Bluey and all that shit.

And I put a bit of YouTube on the, on the, Oh yeah. I don't even do that that much. All I do is during the day, I'm working during the day, but at night, like anytime the kid's home,

Blanket's fucking commandeering the TV. So. I i don't even we don't even have our aerial plugged in and my dad came around not long after we got the dog i think we were going out to just like be with the dog for like a couple of hours and he was just losing his mind he's like you don't even have you got this big tv you don't even have it fucking plugged in like what do you what do you you can't even use it what are you watching on this thing i'm like we watched netflix plugged in. Like, what are you – you can't even use it. What are you watching on this thing? I'm like, we watch Netflix and we watch – like, A, what are we ever going to watch on free-to-air? And even if there is the odd thing, we've just got the –

it's connected to the internet. You just watch it live on the app, on the app on the TV. Like, he truly thought we just had a TV that is unusable, not plugged in, never – yeah. Look at this. Channel 31 does not exist on channel 350. Yeah, I haven't done any of the updates on this. Nickelodeon.

Do we have Nickelodeon? Yeah, it seems to me. Fuck. Oh, this is going to be news for fucking Blanket tonight. You've just got Foxtel and you didn't know it. Yeah. I mean, this looks right up a kid's alley. Oh, my God.

There's a new channel for fucking Blanket. I didn't know this. I did not know this. Guys, if you're listening, channel 354 on the digital TV, Nickelodeon. Anyone that listens to us under the age of five, I've got big news for you guys. Ready, set, dance is starting right now. It looks like a killer app. This looks good, man.

I've got, you know what? I said to Blanka today on the way to school, you be good at school today and I'll get you a treat tonight. And the treat is going to be, guess what? I magicked up a new TV channel for you. Take all the credit. Christopher Columbus over here has made a massive discovery.

Podcasting's Dan Schneider. He invented Nickelodeon. Oh my God. Good stuff. Fuck. All right. Bang. She is going to be one happy little chappy tonight.

Well, thanks SBS Food 69. That's where the credit's really going to go to. Yes, you're right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for your sponsorship of the show and for you helping us on our journey. Yep.

Thanks. Thank you, 69, if I can just call you that for short. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber John Hannon. John Hannon. Hannon. Hannon. H-A-N-N-E-N Hannon. The name of Harley Breen's wife that's not wife. Hannon. Hannon. H-A-N-N-E-N. Hannon.

The name of Harley Breen's wife that's not wife. Sort of. Because they're not married. Sort of name, sort of wife. Yes. Yes, yes, exactly. Hannon. Isn't married.

He's going to be one of these Dave O'Neill types that won't get married. Deprive us of a fun party. Not ideal. Come on, have a party in Queensland. Invite us up. Yeah. That'd be fun. Yeah, that'd be fun.

I'd go to a Brisbane wedding. I'd go to a Brizzy wedding, yeah. I haven't been to a good wedding for a while, I think. I've never been. Oh, no, I went to Noosa for a wedding. That was good. But I was about to say, I've never been to a destination wedding. I'd like to go to more.

People fucking piss and moan about them. Someone went, I'm getting married, it's in Bali. I'd be fucking wrapped. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would be too. You know what?

At Bali destination wedding, I've always said, I'm not going to Bali. But if it was a wedding and I have to go anywhere like yeah anywhere overseas i've like i don't know i get that it's yeah you got to spend money and whatever but it's like i don't know you can i'm an hour about i'd be good to go here am i gonna it's like someone goes hey guess what the wedding's in prague i'd be like you know what

always heard it's good was never gonna go off my own you know organization yep always heard it's good, was never going to go off my own, you know, organization. Great. Get to go and do that. Yeah. I mean, look, it's not as easy for everyone that doesn't have our fucked in the head lifestyles where we basically don't really have a proper job. Yeah, that's true. And we can't take time off and all that stuff.

So I understand why normal people can't do that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. But I'm saying normal people get invited and they hate them. Yeah. And they complain. I'm not getting invited and I'm up for it. Yeah.

So let's just do a, if you're listening and you've been invited to a destination wedding. Yes. And you're like, this is such a pain in the ass. We've got to fucking organize to get the kids over there or work out what to do with them. Got to put in the leave for work, which we're saving for something else. I don't want to go to this destination wedding. Get me in there. Talk to your friend who's getting married.

See if you can send a surrogate in your place. Well, no. What about this? You go, like, someone gets invited and they go, right, well, we got a kid, blah, blah. Okay, you know what? Leave the wife at home. Invite Tommy. Tommy's your plus one.

Oh, I come as your plus one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come as the wife. Yeah. Yeah, if you're going to a destination wedding somewhere cool that I want to go to, let me know and I'll come as your plus one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come as a wife. Yeah. Yeah, if you're going to a destination wedding somewhere cool that I want to go to, let me know and I'll come as your plus one. God, imagine if this was the next thing that comes to fruition on this pod.

Yeah, yeah. Me going to Las Vegas with some random listener for a mate's wedding who I don't know. Top to toe. Yeah. Top and tail in the honeymoon suite. Yep. That'd be good. That'd be good.

You just... In the lemon suit. Yeah. The only way you're allowed to travel the world from now on is via this scheme. Yep. A listener's going somewhere for you. Get me in if it's at the end of the year. I'll go back to Vietnam.

I'll get a new suit made up for it that can be to your specifications. As your plus one, that's the least I can do. Yep. Are you bringing the lemon suit to Koh Samui? Does that make an appearance? I don't know. I could. Could, yeah.

It takes up a bit of room, though. Yeah, fair enough. It's pretty annoying. Yeah. Maybe we could get Abhishek to wear it, though. Oh, that's not bad. Abhishek with the T-shirt underneath. The Miami Vice look, the T-shirt underneath. Yeah, it would suit him.

It would look good. You're about the same size, maybe? I think he's a little bit taller, but then I got it like I like a roomier fit. So I got it a little boxy. So I probably would fit him quite nicely. Well, there's only one way to find out. I guess I'm bringing it now. Oh, yeah, that was the update I meant to say.

I got lost before uh someone and you know we've talked about this years gone by you know people that look at for refunds fucking you are shit out of luck cunt i believe is the phrase um and made it very clear you know kosamui no refunds thank you very much have a think about it if you want to come come but there's no getting out of it. Someone sent us a message going, yes, I can't come anymore. Yeah, what can you do for me? Can we, you know, do something? Can we, you know, stop short of saying, I want my refund right now. Because I think they saw what's coming.

I don't think he was even going that far. He was just like, yeah, you know, bit of a shame, I guess. You've got to lose that money, you know. Oh, well, that's, you know. It's fishing. Bit unfortunate. It was fishing. Yeah, it was fishing, but it wasn't, it was like very, yeah.

There was a bit of, you know, whatever could we do sort of thing because, you know, Jetstar are going to be harder to get the money out of and I'm like, let's be clear, I will be just as hard to get the money out of. Yeah, I think Jetstar might be easier. Yeah. Because they'll probably end up cancelling the flight anyway and then you at least

get a flight credit. Well, yeah, you can get on another flight. It's like, well, you know, I could transfer this to another Kosovo International podcast if you like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I thought, you know what, I'm just going to put another ticket on sale and then for like the festival and then fucking hell, within, and not, I didn just going to put another ticket on sale for the festival. And then fucking hell, I didn't even say anything about it. Within two days, someone's bought a fucking ticket at like 5 a.m. in the morning.

I'm like, I love this. I'm hoping it's not someone from overseas. I'm hoping it's someone getting home from a big day out, a big night out, and just scanning our website for some reason going, fuck, there's one ticket left. Fuck, it looks like I'm going to Koh Samui. Yeah, listening to the pod on the walk home from the pub and hearing, you know, maybe they're a bit behind. And it's only just been announced.

And they're like, oh, cool, I'll get on it. Yeah, maybe that's it. So good news to that cunt who looked for a refund. I guess you're getting it. Yep. And we're back being full again. Well, thanks, John Hannon. Hannon. Hannon.

All right, one more. Let's go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Okay. Oh, I guess we should look at this one too. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber SPSComedy69. Huh. They can't.

I mean, they can't be on the same channel though. Can't they? Can you have two channels on the same channel at the same time? Maybe. I mean, Nickelodeon back in the day, at a certain point, it would turn into Nick at Night. Oh, yeah. Which would be like replays of Leave it to Beaver and stuff. This could be like a record.

You ever have one of those records where you take it off the groove and you put it on the middle groove and there's a secret track in there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so if you use a remote in some weird way and you get it off the track of SBS Food, you can get it in the middle. On CDs, they would do that where you could... Some tracks you could rewind back past the start of track one and there'd be stuff on there.

Yes. SBS Comedy, that would be good. Maybe if you go onto SBS Food and you enter up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start, it turns into SBS comedy. That would be good. I would like to see an SBS comedy channel. A cheat code on a TV remote. Yeah, yeah. SBS comedy, just the most fucked comedies from all around the world

like the you know like the fucking Buzzy Bee from the Simpsons thing oh yeah which was based on an absolute real show

yep yep all like crazy Japanese stuff they don't subtitle any of it it's just like here's what's funny in other countries

yes and you just have to sit and let it wash over you yep and not know what's going on yeah I would love

to see all that yeah that'd be great I would love to see all that well thanks SPS Comedy 69, thanks SBS Comedy 69. Thanks SBS Comedy 69 and thank you for listening at littledumbdumbclub.com.

Get your tickets to Brisbane. Get your tickets to the Going Away Party in Melbourne on June the 1st. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, Matt.