The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 710 - Tom Ballard & Sami Shah

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

This week we're joined by TOM BALLARD and SAMI SHAH! Tom's been to Bali and is paying the price, Sami's got us all interested in the Ubud Writer's Festival, and Karl's just back from his meeting with The Stay Resort in Koh Samui. Plus we're speculating on the current address of an Australian comedy legend, planning a setlist for our band at the Koh Samui Podcast Festival, and listing people we know who used to be young! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Sammy Shah. If you are in Brisbane this Saturday, May the 18th, we are coming up for a big, big live podcast. This is your last chance before we get up there. That's it. And get into there, Brisbane. We have got some other great stuff.

Of course, we've got the Costa Mui Podcast Festival coming up 9th of June. There is a couple of opportunities to get a ticket. Last chance, actually. A few have popped up out of the ether. Also, if you just want to go to the Going Away Party, of course, you can go on the 1st of June, 4pm, of course, at the Creases of Habit. Bar and Band Room. Our beautiful sponsors come down there into Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. Very cheap.

Talking Dumb Dumb and Then. Just announced, Tommy. Yep. Well, not just announced. About to be announced. Okay. But after I say this sentence, it's just announced. We are coming back to Sydney.

Just announced. Just announced. Just got in there. Yep. First. First. God damn it. We're coming back to Sydney after many a year. So this in there. Yeah. First. First. God damn it. We're coming back to Sydney after many a year.

So this is your big chance, Sydneysiders, to come and see us again. Or if you've started listening to us in the last three or four years and have never seen us, it's your chance to come and see us for the first ever time. That is on July the 20th, Saturday night, 6 p.m. at Carousel. More details online and the back end of this show. Yeah. Come along. Get on that. Little the back end of this show. Yeah. Come along. Get on that.

littledumbdumbclub.com. We will talk to you more at the end of the episode. But until then, enjoy this new one with Tom Ballard and Sammy Shah. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Taylor.

G'day, dickheads. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Tom Ballard and Sammy Shaw. Yes! Bubba's ready! Two of the great comedy political minds of our generation. Two people that can fix the world right here. One bloke onto his third wife and one bloke onto his third breakfast.

Now, Tom, you've had a bit of loose bottom problems and also you've got barley bellies. What a hot start we have here. Fucking hell. I love catching up with friends. I love to get up at 8am on a Monday, ride my bike across the fucking town to be immediately homophobically and fatphobically insulted.

Before this started... Your family marriages weren't brought up. Yeah, I don't even have one wife. And he's feeding me, mate. It just fit in well with his one, that's all. Fair enough, yeah. I was collateral damage in that attack. Yeah, fair enough.

But just before this started, Sammy turned to me and said, is Carl on this one? I'll give you half an easy today. Carl was late to this recording comes in late says g'day faggot

your heart's broken in multiple places he parked out the front 25 minutes ago he's been pacing around in the street thinking of that intro no

no the comedy's back listen to this Jerry Seinfeld you can say anything you want the woke brigade will never get us. So much.

No, Ballard's woke. We had to wake him up to fucking get here. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, yes. Lots of back and forth with Sammy trying to work out the time and fit this in an arrow window just for you to get abused for having multiple divorces. It's worth it.

Absolutely worth it. It's worth it every time let's dwell on the broken heart it's just content it's just content I don't really have that much and I thought I better start strong

and then it'll overshadow the fact I don't have much in the next 55 that's your updating of that saying when people like get in trouble for saying stuff on radio

or whatever it's like oh it's just a joke they're just words it's just content it's just content everyone it's just content, everyone. It's only content. I can say anything anymore. As long as the mic is on

and it's content, you can say anything. In private, that's worse because you really mean it. As you say, the defense should be I had nothing else.

I'm a comedian. I needed to say something funny at this point. That's why I said this thing. I don't really believe it. I'm not good enough to have anything. There you go. It's more edgelord comedians said this thing. I don't really believe it. I'm not good enough to have anything. That's,

yeah, yeah. There you go. It's more edgelord comedian said shit like that and far more respectful. If Kramer had have been like, I didn't want to say that. I just,

the mind was turning over and there was nothing else in there. I don't have anything else. It's a fun word. Why would you like, the guns are hard, it hits well. You've seen that stage

of the laugh factory. If there was a door for me to slide through, it would have been a different story But what was I meant to do If I had pyjamas They'd be on right now

But instead I've got this crutch Yeah Heavens above Funny stuff Yes I've been shitting myself Do we want to discuss that Or

Yeah So you've been to The best place in the world The local derby The enemy of Thailand Bali Bali Everyone's favourite place I think it's good That youby, the enemy of Thailand, Bali. Bali. Everyone's favourite place. I think it's good that you guys aren't going there. I think Bali's a little too sophisticated for

a dum-dum club. Does Bali just look like our listeners all over instead of just in one resort? Well, I didn't go to Kuta Beach, which I assume was sort of dum-dum. That's ground zero, right? That's Australian tourist ground zero. Because you went authentic Bali experience.

You went direct from Perth. Yes. The traditional way. I didn't even want to go. The WA government said. An outer suburb. Yeah, you just got the tram. You were in Perth.

You were climatised to the Perth time zone and then you went to Bali. Yes. The true way of doing it. I did. We landed in Versailles. I was like, oh, what's the time difference? No, it's exactly the same time.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, incredible. Amazing. He's got a Southern Cross tattoo that's manifested itself on his shoulder right now. He's like stick martyr. He comes to the surface. Did you ever go? You lived in Perth for a long time. Yeah, I went. I finally went after moving to Melbourne, actually.

Because you've been to the Ubud Ribers Festival. Yeah, yeah. You were telling me about the sweet junk. Dude, it's the best. Hang on, hang on, hang on. So Ubud is a town. Ubud is like the... In Bali?

Yeah, it's like the fancy part of Bali for like really cultural... Yoga, Reiki. Yeah. Right, right, right. Also lots of pork, which is really good because the rest of Indonesia doesn't really have that. I was going to say, the Ribers Festival in Bali, I thought that you were just reading off, like reading the questions under the stubby so they've got a huge thing called the ubud writers festival and i don't know where they've

got the money from but they basically put the writers up at the four seasons oh so when we went there my partner had a book out i had like my last book was a while ago but they wanted us to come anyway they gave us this Four Seasons Villa which I later checked the price was

$3,000 a night for one week God that's a good move being put up somewhere and getting on the website being like let me just see what I'm actually

getting here oh my god and from that I went to a hotel in Adelaide for the Adelaide Writers Festival. And I was like, this is the opposite end of the world. So many direct flights from Ubud to Adelaide.

Where's my turndown service? At the Four Seasons Hotel in Ubud, was there a whole bunch of podcast fans putting on a festival around you? There was. Where's Wally fans just clogging up the pool? They love podcasting in Ubud. It sort of feels like a scene from Idiocracy or something like that where it's like, oh my god, this guy can write a book. We better give him the biggest palace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can write. It was funny because none of the audiences at the festival were locals from Ubud either. They were all people who flew in from other parts of the world to attend this. My friends live in Canggu. They're a gay couple. They said that they went

to the Ubud Writers Festival and every audience was 50% gay Indonesian men and 60-year-old women, Australian boomers. But that's like the Melbourne Writers Festival as well. It's exactly the same.

It is gay ethnic men and 60-year-old women. The message is books are gay. Finally, we've confirmed it. I just felt Brett Blake enter me there. This is such a great... You know in any good doco, you've got multiple subjects that you cut between?

This is the doco. It's like us in Koh Samui, and then we cut from there to the Udbud Writers Festival. For the comparison, we're just going back and forth, gauging the tone at each of them. The Bazaar Festival. It's you guys reading from a 600-page book and it's us calling each other cunt in a pool.

Putting cunt into Google Translate. How do you say this in Thai? I spent the entire festival in... My villa had a plunge pool. And so I used to keep ordering old fashions and they'd bring it to the door and leave it there. And I'd lie down naked in the plunge pool and just drink old fashions all evening.

And that was my literary experience. People running this don't seem to... Because it's like, yeah, putting you up that fancily. It's like, I dare say if they said, you know, ratchet down the quality of the hotel a couple notches. Hey, we're putting you up here, flying you over to Bali for this. You're still saying yes. Yeah, of course.

No rider is going. No, it simply must be the Four Seasons. And also, you know, I'm sure $200 a night, $150 a night over there is getting you something pretty fun. Yeah, great villas. Before that, we went to Nusa Lembongan, which is one of the islands there in Bali. And I think 100 bucks a night, we had a whole villa to ourselves, which we got. And that was great.

But this is... Now I'm not going back to Ubud unless I get the fucking four seasons again. So you're fucking writing. Yeah, no, no, no. Literally, my motivation for finishing the next book has been I want to get invited back. You're making your partner's book

So just get her to write it up Yeah She's taking too long So I've got to just Finish it myself That's good if you're like Oh fuck I've got writer's block

Hang on a minute Two dollar margaritas Okay It's a great motivation You need to go Ultimate Inception Write a book about someone At the

The Ubud Writers Festival But then you've got to be Complimentary Otherwise you won't get invited back Yeah that's true. What if they hear this? No, they won't hear this. What are your work commitments during the day?

A few panels where you're talking about where you get your ideas from? Yeah, like literally, it's two panels. They do some socializing stuff. So they like organize this thing. It's really great. They organize like a tea ceremony for all the writers to attend.

We go there and we're like, oh, it'll be really cultural and stuff. And there's like a white guy from Germany there. And he's sitting there and he's sitting there and he's going to teach you about the Balinese tea ceremony. And there was an Indonesian woman

who lived abroad but she was back and she's like, oh, my favorite part is this. And he got really shitty that she knew about this stuff more than him.

So she was like, oh, my favorite part of the tea ceremony is when they do this. He's like, oh, so would you like to lead it then? We're like, oh, my favorite part of the tea ceremony is when they do this. He's like, oh, so would you like to lead it then? We're like, oh, fuck.

This got really shitty fast and became like this weird sniping ceremony. So I enjoyed that a lot. Is this why every comedian is writing a children's book now? They're hoping to get invited to the baby wing

of the Old World Writers Festival. It's such a weird mix. Like on my flight back, the woman sitting next to me had been, it's been a month in a bud. She flight back, the woman sitting next to me had been, spent a month in a bud. She was into Reiki. She was been at yoga bar and she did the whole holistic spiritual journey.

Yeah. I then found out more information about her life. She previously worked at PWC, the scandal ridden consultancy. Of course. That's how you spend a month. Yes. And was hoping to get into investment property. Okay.

So it's just those two very different worlds of like, spiritual, eat, spiritual, eat, pray, love. What's the Perth comic with the long testicles? You know, you know. Nice try. You're not getting me that easy. Used to be young.

Even I don't know who he's talking about. He was like the youngest comedian. What a credit. I do words goodly hang on hang on hang on guys he next act is coming to the stage

wow you might have seen him in the birth notices in the paper about 30 years ago what am I I'm a writer a writer

a writer the old friend from before from an earlier age how do we explain the passage of time when you were an ooh-la-la writer, international writer? You know him. He used to be young.

You know him from being 31. You know him from being 32. And you loved him at 33. But, folks, he's here tonight for you to be 34 years old. Guys, the only person I'm ruling out at this stage is Benjamin Button, okay? This could be anyone. Yeah, Rob Quantock, we know. Hang on.

The best information we know is he has long testicles and he used to be young. Listen, when I remember this. I've got comedy guess who out in front of me at the moment. And I haven't put down anyone yet. They used to be young. Oh, damn, I've got comedy Guess Who out in front of me at the moment, and I haven't put down anyone yet. They used to be young. Oh, damn, I thought that'd work. I thought I'd get it in one move. Hang on, let's look underneath the Guess Who board

to see if we can see the testicles. Now, will they one day be old? That's my follow-up question. Jesus Christ. When I remember the name You would all go Oh yeah That was a good app description

He was the youngest comedian In Australia at one point Oh I know Yes I think I know Who you're talking about I think I do know Yeah And then he left comedy

And got into Bitcoin For some reason Kieran Lyons Thank you Kieran Lyons Who I ran into In the pool At Finn's

Because he Has been there For like four months or something. Oh, he lives in Bali. He lives in Bali now. The first night I saw this guy across the pool, I was like, that looks a lot like Kieran Lyons. I talked to him. It was bloody Kieran Lyons. I did not notice he was on the Bitcoin dictionary now. Young queer comedian, Triple J presenter, did a documentary about homelessness and now living in Bali.

What a trajectory. Oh, and l living in Bali. What a trajectory. Oh, and lest we forget, used to be young. Hey, this is nearly describing Tom Bauer. He did a whole bit about this. It's like a real thing he's got, but he's got unnaturally long testicles. And so he sat on them on a bicycle once, hurt them, ended up having to get surgery.

This is like a whole thing he told on stage as well this does vaguely re-appel actually so that's why he's in the pool in Bali cooling them off that is great he's hoping for shrinkage

was either of my descriptors wrong he used to be young as a comedian he was the youngest we grit Sammy for like two minutes and then as soon as we stop we get it immediately

by the way not the best descriptions, but appropriate. It was a great riff. It led to some great riffs. The first night I was there, I saw him in the goddamn pool. And he genuinely tried to sell me on Bitcoin. I'm like, fuck yeah. But the whole pool was, yes, it's a bar called Finn's.

It's down on the beach. And it's like, yeah they're playing um crazy dance music and people dress up in costumes and you're drinking cocktails in the in the pool it was way more intense than i was expecting okay the vibe when i landed but you could just tell everyone around you was in tech or finance yeah that's that's the whole vibe that's all these people with a shit ton of money who are like now finding themselves yeah you know how there's like the the pipeline from lawyer to comedian is like a pretty well established, like a lot of people have done it.

I'm surprised there's not more of a pipeline from comedian to cryptocurrency. I really thought when that was kicking off, it's like, we're going to lose quite a few here. We're going to have a lot of people get out of the game. It decimated the industry. I think there probably is. There just hasn't been any success stories. Well, yeah.

Yeah. But I mean like, yeah. Well, like quote unquote successful enough that they're just like, fuck comedy. Has Rogan endorsed crypto or anything? Probably. I heard that also like, so he lives there now. So he's made money on Bitcoin.

I think so, because he was on Instagram recently. He's been there for four months or something. Yes, well, I met one of his other, another friend who was also in crypto who was offered tens of thousands of dollars to rent out his Sydney apartment a month. And so they've just decided to move to Bali and live there.

Tom, I'm sure you had a great time, but from the picture you're painting, this sounds like an awful trip. I know, by the way. I was going to say, was that Bruce Lemon's apartment? Like, the one he stayed in? He also used to be young. I'm talking to these guys about Bitcoin in Nepal,

then I start shitting myself. And Kieran's testicles are hitting me in the face From across the pool From before So you know who else I think lives in Bali? Comedy wise Who? This is what I hear Used to be young

Used to be young Normal testicles though The biggest comedian in Australia Carl Barron Really? Used to be young. Used to be young, yes. Normal death to goodwill. He's young. The biggest comedian in Australia, Carl Barron. Really? Really? That's what I hear. I hear that he just comes over, does like a tour, and then goes back there and lives in Bali.

I think about this a lot, something you said once. The secret to gossip or a rumor is I've just got to want to believe it. It's also got to be crazy enough to be interesting, but grounded enough to be like, yeah, I'd believe that, and I want to believe it. It's also got to be crazy enough to be interesting, but grounded enough to be like, yeah, I'd believe that. And I want to believe that. Someone told me. I don't know who the fuck told me, but it's locked in my head as fact. So he lives in Bali.

Then when he tours, that's his FIFO work. He just comes over here, does a few arenas, and then goes home. Wangarata Town Hall and then goes back home again. Where does he work out His material Because you'd never See him at a club That is a great question

I've always wondered that That is a great question The club's in Udbud There are a few I think I've asked this Because I asked his manager Once in a bar And I said

Look I've never seen him In a club I've never heard of him In a club He came to one of my Rooms once And said

Can I get on? I went, absolutely. Kyle Barron doing a gig. And then looked around and then went, actually, I'd like to take that back. And that didn't go on. We've seen him in a club once in Montreal. We saw him working out stuff for it. He was forced to do it.

For the listener, that really paints a picture of how hard it is to see Kyle Barron work up material. You have to go to another country where he's not famous in that country. He didn't work up material. That was him at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal and the big bosses there make you work up. Do a practice. Do your practice set.

So then they go, hang on, we don't know what the word bogan means. We don't know what shooey is. This stuff about salad tongs isn't going to translate over here. This bit about all French are cunts probably won't be as good here as it is in the Wangaratta Town Hall. So I asked his manager and I said, he only does like these stadiums and that these days. Where does he get his material?

Where does he get his ideas from? Does he get nervous? Yeah. And then he goes, How does he remember it all? Yeah. I could never do it. How does he do it? The French are cunts, aren't nervous? Yeah. And then he goes, How does he remember it all? Yeah. I could never do it. How does he do it?

The French are cunts, aren't they? Yeah. So I go, where does he do his new material? He goes, oh, he just sort of works it in the middle. And I'm like, so he does brand new material in front of 4,000 people. Like in the middle of the old bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if he goes, so literally like if he's out there

and he does a new brand new joke and only 2,000 people laugh at it you're fucked I better drop that that's gone

that's out for tomorrow night that's out for Horsham I saw Jimmy Carr's show in Australia and it's like there was a 20 minute section in the middle where it's like

this is new material that I'm trying out now this is the hammer hole sold out hammer hole we are we are the Adelaide of the world they do that i mean like ronnie did that when i saw my daughter is a huge ronnie chang fan and so like we went to the show when he came a couple of years ago and he did like he did 20 minutes of like the stuff from his netflix special and then just

said i'm doing new material now and had a notebook on stage and tried out bits in the arena no no this is the one where he was at um in singular the ballet and um and the crowd was like so enthusiastic that it they let him do that some people are like they they're into it because it's like wow we're seeing it yes what's the deal with the but for me i was like i paid a lot of fucking money like i paid a lot of money to see someone do... I'm now going to do new material. What if the deal with the Australian television is... It is fucking sucks. Everyone's stupid and bad. What do you think about that, guys?

I will fight Lou Piggy. Dave O'Neill is old. Okay, that's got some legs. Okay, I'm just playing to the back of the room now. Dave O'Neill used to be young. That was fucking ages ago. Because now he's old. He's been old for a long time.

No, so then, so I asked that. So he's folding in his gear. If he gets 1,500 laughs, yuck. Get that out of the schedule. I said, surely there's some other step before that. And his manager said, sometimes he just asks me on the phone whether this is any good.

I love that. That's great. And so it's like, it's all on this one guy whether 5,000 people have a bad time. That guy's got a great sense of comedy because it's all why it's fucking working. Being in an arena

and you've paid like $80 and halfway through the show hearing, oh, I won't be doing that one tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. My manager is fired. We basically experienced that at Chris Rock, I suppose.

Oh, yeah. Get a kick around ideas for $180. Yeah. Well, it is that I saw at the Haber Hall and she was like literally saying, oh, that'll get better

later in the tour. Yeah. Yeah, because I think that's what it is. They come here to try out new material. They should just come to Spleen to try to fly out here. Come to Spleen. Come to the worst of Melbourne, come.

Come to Spleen, make sure they're not wearing shorts, and then try to get out there. What about a dress? Freddie is hard. Will you accept that? A long dress. No minis. No minis. No minis.

No knees. I'll allow minis for girls, but not for boys, okay? There's something about the male calf I find offensive on stage. Karl's big temple comedy. Now, I would argue that there's no chance Karl Barron lives in Bali because he's notoriously quite a private guy, doesn't like all the shit, like offstage quite a gentle, softly spoken, awkward dude.

Yes. In Bali. Yes. Carl Barron would not be able to get a moment's peace. Would be more recognised than in Australia, mate. No, but if you've got the money, though, you can really. If you've got the money, hide in the villa, I suppose. Yeah, he's not living in like the fucking downtown Kuta.

Exactly. He'd be doing anything to go to any restaurant, to go anywhere. Yeah, but isn't there like, again, I haven't been there. He's still with Australians. Isn't there quiet parts Yeah, but isn't there, like, again, I haven't been there. You can talk with Australians everywhere. Isn't there quiet parts of Bali? Isn't there, like... There's definitely there's a rich part. It's like saying, I live in Bourke Street.

I can't believe I'm getting recognised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if he lives in the, you know, again, the horsham of Bali, you can get away with it, can't you? I guess the most remote areas, I guess I'm thinking of my experience of Bali, which is, like, I want to go to restaurants and want to go out and see and do stuff. I which is like I want to go to restaurants and want to go out

and see and do stuff I suppose if you literally want to go into the middle of the jungle or like some you know or just the outer burbs yeah

that would be a writers festival should get him they're saving on the common travel cost getting to do a panel about his bit about rubber bands

yeah yeah yeah if I don't get the four seasons because they blew the money on him I'm pissed at you Is what I'm saying Him and

Him and like Rodney Rude It's like Where are these guys What if I get him out And they give him the four seasons And you can go and stay At Kyle Barron's house It's like 20 minutes

Actually that's probably Going to be pretty great That's pretty good Yeah that's not bad His house would be good I'd be pretty naked In that plunge pool too Yeah

Yeah he takes a He takes a bit of a break From stand up Wants to sort of You know Just kind of chill out And he gets a bit of a break from stand-up, wants to sort of, you know, just kind of chill out and he gets a job doing the driving for the Woodbury Writers Festival. You turn up at the airport, there's Carl Barron in a Tarago. Holding up a sign saying Sammy Show.

Sammy Show. Mr. Sammy. So you, so Barley, how was it? It was good. Loved it until I started Pooping myself Yeah towards the end But no I've been

This is like my third time It was my boyfriend's first time Do you know what you ate specifically? Because you can usually tell The one meal You're like As you're eating it You're like this is the one

Was it I have a little experience with this Was it seven loaves of bread? Was it No Because we were eating Pretty much the same thing He got sicker before me

So I thought Like I'd got away with it. And then literally the day before we left, I was like, uh-oh. Yeah, yeah. Yes, so that was good. The great thing about Ubud is the Ubud monkey forest, the sacred monkey forest as well. And we had a wonderful time there in which we saw a lady monkey, I presume, all right, it's 2024, whatever.

Lady monkey came up to another monkey, I presume, alright, it's 2024, whatever, lady monkey came up to another monkey, tapped him on the back, presented her ass, pointed at the ass, pointed at his dick, pointed back at her ass, and said,

how about it? And then he just laid down and went to sleep. Must be nice. No, he didn't do it. He laid down and it was basically like, hey, you know,

service me a little bit yeah she started like to eating fleas out of it his little fur but there was no fucking and we waited quite a while but it's such a dick's in hand you see a monkey point at dick and then at. That's amazing. They're very advanced. That's good. It's like Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes happens. Yeah, was that a marketing campaign for that new movie? That's an activation. It was a very sacred moment, I thought, yes. But yes, it was a beautiful part of the world,

but I've just been, yes, on the toot for quite a while, and it's no good. Do you get sick when you go to toilet later? Or you're basically a local? You must have like now pretty iron glass stomach. You built up the stomach enzymes to not get sick anymore.

When we went to Ubud, because I have a Pakistani stomach. Right. So when we went to Ubud, we ate the same food. My partner was sick for the whole week

and I got sick for an afternoon and I was like, oh, this is horrible. And then I was fine after that because like that's the most sick

I've ever been from eating something bad. We were talking about this before the show. It's like so brutal with like India and Bali. Yeah. There's like,

you will get sick. And like you were saying, does that really happen in Thailand? And it's like, I mean, yeah, but it doesn't have a nickname. You know,

you got Bali belly, Delhi belly. Once there's like a slang term for getting the shits in a city, it's like, that's like an epidemic. Thai, I want to die. Bangkok shit fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toot land. Yeah, bang ass. No, not really. Maybe that's really the issue. There's nothing catchy enough. No, I don't get sick. I mean, I've been there.

I don't know. People keep asking me how many times have you been? I need to go back and find out. But I've been sick twice and that was too legitimate. Just not sort of just like, oh, I ate something and I feel a bit whatever. But like one was severe food poisoning

and one was severe gastro. And that was it. But the rest of it is like, I don't even. But also because in Thailand, I don't know if like in Koh Samui, but in Bangkok, they're very strict

on the quality of the food at the food stalls. Like it's regulated. They've got a whole system in place to make if it's like in Koh Samui, but in Bangkok, they're very strict on the quality of the food at the food stalls. Like it's regulated. They've got a whole system in place to make sure it's clean. They don't have that in Bali. Like Bali, the food is, you know, it's wild. Yeah, we didn't eat any street food at all. Yeah, it was all from restaurants and stuff too.

And then I didn't, yeah, the idea is there's one point we say like don't eat the salads and stuff because there's water in the salads. And, you know, you brush your teeth with the water, but don't treat them yeah as well yeah i don't know the thing that people can't get their head around that go there for the first time is and this has happened multiple times with me there'll be a sign in the uh in the bathroom that says don't put paper down the toilet and people go did you read this fucking sign and i'm like yeah've got to wipe your ass and then put that in the bin. What the fuck is wrong with this place? In Ubud or in Bali or in Thailand? I've never been there in Thailand. On the islands.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Because their plumbing system can't be equipped. Vietnam's the same. Yeah, it's like, no. And it is like, yeah. Like, I think we were talking about this recently. Like, in a hotel, I'm typically like, don't need the maid service in there. You know, like, whatever.

It doesn't really matter. But, like, when you're putting your shit paper into the bin in the toilet, it's like, yeah, three times a day, thanks. Just come and empty that out for me. Like, when you're aware that it's just sitting there in the corner of your room, it's like, mentally, like, can't let go of it. But also, like, it makes sense i mean in no other way paper in the toilet like you're not like you wouldn't go oh yeah just sitting on the reading eat pray love well i finished the first 20 pages i'll just flush them yeah i just chuck them down the dunny yeah when we were looking when we were like kicked out of here

last year while they were renovating our bathroom and we were in this other we were like house sitting like renting this house and uh what had happened like i'd the dog had done a shit in the backyard and i'd gotten like some paper towel picked it up and then flushed it and the toilet like backed up and this is within like three days of us moving in and so then i've got to like text the people whose house it is and be like hey no reason but to plunge you somewhere. Just out of interest. Just out of interest.

I like jigsaw beans. Just because I like to know where things are. How do you get dog shit out of your priceless heirlooms? Well, speaking of this, my fiancée the other day was at Pilates and she said there was a guy working out near her in jeans and the guy just stank there was just a stench you know when you're like you can smell something really bad and you just your profile you're like it's this guy for sure it's this guy and then gets to the end of the class and he's like

oh i'm really sorry about that i'm so sorry which is so rare to have the person just like caught you know you never know you never end up with a person copping to it but he's like oh so sorry about that I had a really big curry right before I came here I would rather the mystery this class was at 6pm so he's like what shoveling in a curry

at like 5 in the afternoon and then racing to his Pilates class in his jeans and just like farting up a stormy you don't have to to his Pilates class in his jeans and just like farting up a storm. You don't have to go to Pilates. You don't have to eat dinner at 5 p.m. You know what's great? Having dinner after you've exercised.

It feels awesome. Think about his rich inner life. Like for that guy, what an interesting perspective on the world he must have. Yeah. How old's he go? He's like, what am I doing today? Curry, Pilates, no jeans. Like no changing pants. Yeah. I love it. How old's the guy? He's like, what am I doing today? Curry, Pilates,

no jeans. Like, no changing pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't make it better to explain what happened there either, too. That's what I mean. I would rather he not

have said anything. I love a bit of old guy in the gym that just haven't gotten in to go down to the Nike store and get a bit of workout. Oh, dude, Preston. No, just slacks.

Working out in slacks. I love that. Preston gym, that's where of workout clothes. Oh, do it in Preston. No, just slacks. Working out in slacks. I love that. Preston gym, that's where I go in like anytime fitness in Preston is just dudes in jeans and work boots and stuff. And like they'll have a ciggy

right outside the gym and come inside, do a set, go back out, have a ciggy. Oh, great. It's just like the back hair is it's the sweater, like it's that thick. You're like, this the back hair is, it's the sweater, like, it's that thick.

You're like, this is old school. And each one of those guys has, like, lifts more than a powerlifter. Oh, really? Because I'm not even seeing that. I'm, like, legit, because I'm in Hawthorne, so it's all full of old people and whatever. But they're just like, we're not buying shorts. We're not buying a singlet or a t-shirt. We're coming in in slacks and, like, a work shirt.

That's it. That's all we've got In the wardrobe Button down shirts Yeah yeah totally Totally Yeah No the Preston one

Is that it's They're on the treadmill In a suit Yeah nice Do they just pay people To work out for them In halls Is that easier

Yes And this episode Of the Little Dumb Dumb Club Is of course once again Brought to you by The live performances Of the Little Dum Dum Club. Yeah, that's right. It's a pretty sweet get of us to get us.

But we've got a bunch of live shit that we'd like you to be part of. We've been serving up some fucking pretty hot shit. Chronologically, let's go through them. Man, Tommy, we've been doing a good job. Adelaide, Melbourne shows, how good were they? They were all fucking crackers. So if you want to come and see it in the round, it's not in the round, but we've got some fucking good shit coming up probably.

Yes. That's what I'm going to say. Yes. Brisbane, if you're... We're intending for them to be good. Absolutely. That's the aim this time. With all of these. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We plan for them to be good. Very good intentions we have. If you're listening to Hot Off The Press, we're in Brisbane. We'd love for you guys to show your sweet little fucking hiding because you're sort of giving us sweet Adelaide vibes at the moment.

Old school Adelaide vibes. And you used to be really fucking quick on this and you are very fucking slow on this this time. So Brisbane, we'd love to see you up in the, what's the venue called again, Tommy? The Brightside. The Brightside. The Brightside. We've been there once before. It's a nice part of town, I think. It's a good little room. We've got some great guests and that is, of course, on the...

Saturday, May the 18th. There we go. This very coming Saturday, if you are listening to this straight away. Yes. So a couple of days away, no excuses now. Get the credit card out. Fire up the web page. Get a goddamn ticket and we'll see you there. That's it. If you're in Melbourne and you loved those run of live shows and you want to have just

a little bit more, sir, Oliver style, you can come on the 1st of June for our Going Away Party. Going Away to Koh Samui International Podcast Festival at our salubrious sponsors, the Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room. We're recording this. Well, no, sorry. podcast festival at our salubrious sponsors the uh creatures of habit bar and band room we're recording this well no sorry we're recording talking dum-dum yes live yes at the creatures of habit bar and band room june the 1st a stone's throw away from where we're recording this right now your house yeah this is like our warm-up yeah for our live recording it's an afternoon recording um we want to say thanks to our sponsors and have a bunch of beers.

Come down for a beer and tell us to fuck off or say that you're going to miss us. Either way, come along. Then, of course, there's the Coastal Morning International Podcast Festival that it is the sponsor for. We have potentially a couple of rooms left all of a sudden because some people don't want

to have fun anymore. At least they have very good excuses that they don't. Yeah. They just have changed their mind. So you can get one of those rooms. And it is a... I've just come back. It's a fucking...

It's going to be great. It's fucking awesome. June 9 to 14. That's it. And then just announced Sydney. Sydney, July 20. 6 p.m. at the Carousel in Sydney. We're finally coming back to Sydney.

Get your tickets. It's going to be a beautiful comeback after many years. It's going to be great. Great guests. Great vibes. Please. Yeah. Get around it.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to all of that. We will see you soon. Now back to the show. Well, I just got back from Thailand from work. Your recon. Yeah, exactly. So I went over there to the stay, the stay Chaweng, where we'll all be staying in four weeks at the time of recording.

How's this? Here's what I copped on the flight. I got a window seat, bought the window seat, and then the guy came in, got middle seat, waited for the person on the aisle. No person on the aisle.

Guy did not move over for nine hours. Crazy. That's like using the unit next to yours when all the rest of the people are there. Yeah, yeah Totally Same thing Totally Same vibe

Insane Yeah Fucking incredible I could not believe it And you didn't at any point Go hey man Do you wanna I'm pretty safe

That no one We're in the air No one's coming along I was waiting Cause I was like going When do I How do you phrase it What is that

Cause that's an awkward sentence To say Hey do you wanna move over To the empty seat next to you so you aren't touching me with your arm? I'll tell you how

I'd do it. I'd ping for the flight attendant. I'd be like, can you please ask him to move over? And then I'd

just pretend like that hadn't happened. That he hadn't seen it happen. Just kind of slightly rotate my body so I don't

make eye contact. Can you just move this? Can you move this? I'd turn to him and say, hey, I just had seen it happen. Just kind of slightly rotate my body so I don't make eye contact. Can you just move this? Can you move this? I'd turn to him and say, hey, I just had a big curry. You'll want to move over. Note the genes. Not a lot of aeration here.

And he didn't ask at any point. Because you know why I didn't ask? Because I was waiting and I was like, I was watching people come in and there's like heaps of free seats everywhere. I'm like, this is crazy. He's going to have to get up and sit somewhere else. And if not, I'm going to vacate my window seat and just go and sit fucking anywhere else.

And then for some reason, I always promise off of being on really late on the plane so I can just walk in and not be on the plane as much and fucking sit there like these cunts that sit there for 45 minutes and just have to add another nearly hour to their trip or whatever right but there was like heaps of late people that came in and took all these empty seats and i'm like oh fuck now i'm gonna have to have the conversation by then he swiped he's bought his entertainment he's not moving oh he's got anything okay so he's like it's up to you now yeah so then I just went I'm going to take three Valium

and it won't matter that this cunt is sitting here you should lean on him yeah yeah yeah that's also like you ask and you're sort of scared

to find out the answer yeah you want to move over and he's like no no I paid for this seat I booked this seat specifically I like sitting in the middle

this isn't even my seat I did move over to be here I'm sitting next to a psychopath yeah yeah yeah no he did have those vibes as well so it wasn't like just a normal guy where i'm like i might just talk to him i'm like i don't want to talk to this guy yeah me and lauren have done this move for the flight back we've done the like first time i've ever done this flying with a partner and you book the you book the aisle and the window yes assuming no one's gonna book middle but then it's like

i'm kind of scared because it's well i fucked up i did that and it was a fuck up you'll end up with someone in the middle and then having to go like oh hey do you mind do you mind switching and you might get them go no i like being in the middle and then you're like okay well i guess we're just sitting all hands across yeah yeah yeah and you're going to end up in the middle because you can't let your partner sit next to some fucking weird random. Every flight that we took to and around Vietnam last year, I was in the middle every fucking time. But yeah, I did because when I was in Italy,

I got an internal flight and I was in the middle. I just hadn't booked, just got assigned the seat when I got on. Middle seat, couple, old couple on either side of me. i'm like oh do you guys want to swap one of you swap with me and they're like no and then they just continued to like have a conversation over me and pass things between them for the entire flight i was like this is fucking insane what's going on here i was i was flying back and i got I got close to the check-in and then I heard someone say, hey, did you hear there's like heaps of business class

seats left and it only costs $300 to upgrade and I've never done that. That's like Carl Barron living in Bali. That's a great rumor to start with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, did you hear this? Yeah, yeah. And I've only ever done business twice and it was because I got it basically for free from my wife when she worked in an airline. So I've never paid done business twice, and it was because I got it basically for free

from my wife when she worked in an airline. So I've never paid for business class. And you're in line. So this is like 8 o'clock at night. I'm going to fly overnight. All of a sudden, for the first time, I'm thinking, business class sounds feasible. It's only $300. I'm going to be able to sleep all the way through.

You know what? Fuck. I think I'm going to do this. So I get close to the thing and then in front of me is this just this boys trip that have just turned up clearly day drinking and they're just like yeah that fucking cunt said 300 bucks for fucking business class let's all do it boys let's fucking get on in business class and i'm like I think I'll take my seat at the back of the plane next to a psychopath thanks

is that Fred Blake yeah oh god and they so they all got in how many boys were we talking about it was like

five or six yeah and there was like a couple of them were like I fucking can't afford that it's on me boys let's fucking

let's fuck it up in business class hell yeah what about this you know Qantas has got this thing now where you can pay to have an empty seat next to you? No. In theory.

No. So it's just this extra little thing. You pay $30 and then, of course, if they fill the seat, if they sell the seat, then you get your money refunded. But they'll try every effort they can to make sure that you keep an empty seat. It's like $30. This drove me insane when they started promoting this

because so many comedians were going like, oh, yes, how good is this? And it was like, no, you used to be able to, if you were smart, get on the seat map, try and get, you know, you could game the system and just put a bit of effort in and be smart about it. This is like, they're monetizing a fucking empty seat. They're getting money out of you for empty space.

This is bad. This is the whole video game industry happening to you in real life now. of you for empty space. This is bad. This is the whole video game industry happening to you in real life now. It's a loot box. Yeah, exactly. This is like the first person

who ran an airline to go, what if we charge people more money to take their things with them? This is bad. Yeah, right. But then what if

there was a different system where you get to choose the person that sits next to you? Well, this is it. You look around the cabin and you go like women are just getting every woman is just getting yeah yeah yeah the whole flight yeah every woman is just like you know taking their makeup off before they get on the flight putting a paper bag over their head

no i i genuinely i have thought this and it's, you say it out loud and it sounds crook, but you're like, once you're on the plane, sometimes you can have the best seat on the plane and be next to the worst cunt. So then it's the worst seat. You know, your preference doesn't matter if you're next to some, like, stinky, you know, like someone with, like, no boundaries of personal space.

Right. But, like, a middle seat with just, like, super chill people on either side of you, like someone with no boundaries of personal space. Right. But like a middle seat with just like super chill people on either side of you. Like, that's great. Like, yeah, I want to profile the people that are on the plane. Yeah. When has that ever gone wrong? Yeah. Profile the people.

This is how it starts. Sammy knows what I'm talking about. I'm a big fan of it. I've made this argument on stage. I think it's Steve's time. When we got on the plane to go over, I was with my friend Tony, and we walked in,

and there was like three guys sitting in an aisle, in a bank of seats, and they'd very clearly, like we walked past them and it only took, the whole thing exchanged, took like 10 seconds but very clearly

they hadn't been overseas or anything like that. They were country guys and it was like a younger guy and a really older guy and it was Melbourne to Bangkok, direct on Jetstar, so that tells you all about

the majority of the people who were on the plane, including me, that the conversation as we walked past them, the younger guy said to the older guy so bangkok he spent the whole night thinking this so it's like great that you've got questions yeah you're on the plane yeah and he's gone i better ask about this. He goes, so, Bangkok, it gets hot, right? He goes, hotter than like Swan Hill? Oh, fantastic.

Good shit. I'm fixated on this. Like, that's such a good, like, prank. Just stand near the front of the plane before it's boarding on your phone being like, yeah, I just heard apparently there's like heaps of empty business classes on this flight. And you're not even on that flight. You just go in through security and you're just roaming around the lounges, the gates doing this.

Send people into a fucking tizzy. That'd be good. What else did you do with your little time in Thailand? We've heard all about the flight. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, so we did a meeting. I had a meeting at the stay and it was like, you know, we've been joking a lot about this is just sort of just writing it off as text. And, you know, it's like, oh, I'm just going over to check and all this sort of stuff.

But once I got to the meeting, I was like, yeah, we definitely needed to have this fucking conversation. Right. like yeah we definitely needed to have this fucking conversation because the guy had not been responding to any emails and i had to find him on whatsapp to go hey can we fucking talk about this at any point and then he's like oh okay and then he brought in his manager and his manager was like a gun but the guy i'd been dealing with like once we walked in i was like oh this no one knew anything about any of this. No, you found the Thai Moss House. This is amazing. The Thai what?

Moss House. What does that mean? Moss House. What's Moss House mean? Oh, Morris House. Oh, right. Why do you think it was called Moss House? I don't know.

Let's take that again. Better name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So they weren't, like, the lady felt like she'd just been, like, informed about all this in a very short amount of time before the meeting. And she's like, right, so there's all these people. And so you're going to give me all the money for, like,

the buffet for everyone every night? I'm like, absolutely not. No. And so everyone charges their stuff in their hotel room back to you. And I'm like, again, absolutely not. Everyone's like, she's panicking, I'm panicking. The guy that I've been dealing with is sitting there just not understanding anything

because he doesn't have a great grasp of English. Okay. And then he's brought along a person to oversee who has no grasp of English in any way. Amazing. So this is all going to be very smooth. I'm thinking, this is like such a write-off. I'm going to come in and go, we all good?

Great, I'm hitting the pool. We were there for two hours going over fucking everything. Except for the fact that this is a podcast festival, of which I still did not tell them what this is. Right. What did they think? It's a wedding? No, no, no.

I told them we're having a business seminar every night. Right. All right. Let's all just back off of blaming their lack of English when it comes to determining where the miscommunication is coming from here. You're not even telling them what the fuck you're doing. They can understand all of it. It won't make a fucking difference.

I don't understand it, and I'm here. This is a plot twist where you turned out to be the villain of the story. Well, the first guy I was dealing with, I'm like, he can't understand that I want to hire rooms out. I'm like, I'm not going to bother explaining a podcast festival. But then once it got to this lady, I'm like, I could have explained it, but I chose not to. I thought this is funny at this point. I mean, there's a middle ground between having to explain that it's a podcast festival yeah and saying that it's a seminar we're just putting on a show every night yeah that's all i just and the funny thing is in

the conversation i kept finding new creative ways of every time i went to say and when we put the shows on here i'd be like and when we put the the talking on stage here why is it an issue that it's a show? I don't know, because I got too deep in it. I'm like, I'd already said it was like this business seminar or meetings or whatever. I just, I felt bad all of a sudden going, This is getting you deeper.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know. Cut to your meeting and it's like one Thai person talking to another Thai person, the subtitles, it's like, this guy can't speak English. Why didn't you just have a podcast festival? That would be so much more fun than what he's describing. So it's going to be interesting because they're like... Do they have microphones?

They can. I did say that we would bring some. They can. Didn't ask if they can. We all can have microphones? Yeah. They can. I did say that we would bring some. They can. Didn't ask if they can. We all can. We all can. Yeah.

They can if I bring them all. We all used to be young. God, I'd love to see you in court for any reason. Just that day of the C-SPAN footage, like eight hours. Well, I'd love to see you in court for any reason. Just that day of the C-SPAN footage, like eight hours. Well, I could have.

Mr. Chandler, that is not what I asked. Have we got events and stuff? I'm not going to be there. I want to live vicariously through you. Do we have a schedule of events? There's going to be... Cam James wants to do a music night. You've obviously got to do the stand-up with Abhishek.

That's got to happen at some point. Yes. I believe... I mean, what i think is going to be a good night a good stand-up night is the the um the worst of melbourne comedy roadshow oh yeah yeah so um that may be mixed with actual stand-up or i don't know yeah i don't know yeah but we haven't sat down and planned it out and that's what they were saying right can we plan out all this stuff? I'm like, no. No, we can't do that. Yeah. Which nights are we going to have this and which nights are we going to do this? And I'm like, I can't tell you that at this point.

Brilliant. Yeah. But presumably, you know, words gotten around and they have heard, we will be hearing the sperm bank bit every single night. You're like, oh, of course. It goes without saying. Even the people without the grasp of English were saying that. Is this the fourth time you've done this?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. And you basically reset everything to zero. You know, normally... Yeah, how come you're not just like, it's the same people and you just... We're doing it again and they're like, cool. What do you mean?

No. Like, if you've done it three times before... Different resort. Okay. Yeah, yeah, sorry. That's what I'm saying. Oh, because we went three times and it's like, well, we've already been to the same island three times. The least we can do is mix it up. Yeah, how come? That's what I'm saying. Oh, because we went three times and it's like, well, we've already been to the same island three times.

The least we can do is mix it up. And also, the good thing is about this, is the thing that we had slight little trouble with down at the last resort is it's quite a really, really big resort. So we were, say, half of the resort or 60% of the resort. So there would be people on the trip of a lifetime walking past us, yelling at each other and calling each other cunts for like an hour a night. And there was quite a few complaints and all that sort of stuff. We have 100% of this resort.

Okay, cool. We are the entire resort. So it doesn't matter what we do. Do we have any update on the two people that live in the resort? Did you go door knocking and find them? They killed themselves. So this is a good example of my communication

with the person before, with the person from before. Yeah. So now that I'm dealing with the person that has a complete grasp of English, I said,

what about the two people that live here forever? What's going to happen there? And she said, that has never happened. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it's the same thing with Carl Barron. Maybe it's that same kind of rumour mongering that makes people think that Carl Barron lives in Bali. Maybe that is Carl Barron that lives there. And she's come in and gone, that's never happened. Don't fucking talk about Carl Barron. Finally, I'm here in Thailand.

I'm away from Australia and all comedy. Time for a lovely, relaxed comedy. A cow baron's like Bob Durst from The Jinx. He's just disguising himself as an old woman in a Thai resort. Off the grid. Okay. Time to chill out and work on some material. This is my process.

That's great. If we get there and it's cow Bowne and Rodney Rude just getting around the pool every day. We found them. Yes. It's like, you know how sometimes they don't have a 13th floor? Maybe if they don't have a room 13. That's where Carl Bowne lives.

That's where Carl Bowne hides out. Yes. Hey, Carl, we got the podcast happening like 10 metres away. Do you want to come and be on it? No, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Not interested, boys. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Fuck. You've got to work on that one it? No, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Not interested, boys. Yeah, yeah.

He's acting fast. You've got to work on that one. Yeah, well, he's not around. I don't see him. No one knows what he sounds like when he's not on stage. I thought it was okay. How you going? Yeah, that's good.

How you going? That's good. That's good. Yeah, how you going? Now go and do it. Yeah, I don't know any of his bits. Yeah, yeah. I was in a cafe the other day.

Saw an item on the menu yeah that's pretty fucking sharp actually it's good and it kind of made me sad in a way

you're a good crowd never forget that because I thought to myself finally that duck is surrounded

by bread that's great and he's in no position to enjoy he's in an upcoming television program that I'm also dipping my toe into. We've been acting and stuff, so he'll be around. Oh, okay.

Is it filmed already or it's coming up? The process of being filmed. Oh, the White Lotus in Koh Samui. Yes. Yeah, there's another spare room. Tom Ballard stays in the room as well. It's being filmed at the stay. Oh, hell yeah.

Great. Awesome. God, I'd love to see Walton Goggins going toe-to-toe with Carl Barron. Fuck yeah. It's the original odd couple. Tom Ballard going out with Carl Barron. Yep. That's awesome.

Yep. I'm getting eaten out in the office of the hotel manager. So you think that's a better Carl Barron Than he's Kyle Barron I think we're all Doing our best Wait you're reading Out him I don't know

Kyle Barron's ass I'm trying to think Of like a White Lotus Quote but really Kyle Barron would make A good like resort Manager character For sure

The gays are Trying to kill me Okay it's Jennifer Coolidge's character Alright That makes a lot More sense Yeah I'm kidding Yeah I think they've Okay, it's Jennifer Coolidge's character, right? That makes a lot more sense. Yeah.

I'm kidding. Yeah. I think they might have just finished filming that, actually. Yeah. I think they have because they were filming it in Koh Samui at the Four Seasons, partly. And when we got to the airport, there were two bogans that there was a sign up for them. Four Seasons. there were two Bogans that had, there was a sign up for them,

four seasons. And I'm like, unless they're the leads in this, in the new White Lotus, I don't think they're filming there anymore. It's back open for business. Yeah, it's open for business. Yeah, yeah. It's back open.

It wasn't Kirsten Moore or Paquette? I think they were going between them. I think, yeah. They were definitely using, I think they were using three. God damn. Three of them. Yeah.

Because we were talking, I was talking about this with Tony over there, and he was like, oh, maybe they're still filming, and I'm like, they're not. Imagine them filming The White Lotus, and then normal people are staying there and walking into scenes.

Do you think the cast stay at the hotel that they're shooting at? They have to. Yeah, God, that'd be good. That's a joke that you want to get on board. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy if they're booking out the best resort in Ireland,

and then you're not allowed to stay there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, if they're booking out the best resort in Ireland and then you're not allowed to stay there yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean if you're the production company that is a sweet synergy in the budget but that's like

alright everyone off to the Ibis here we go the Formula One it's comfy beds you don't like it Kevin Bloody Wilson

lives there he's in one of the rooms yeah yeah you can't he has it with Jenny Talia yeah yeah we don't want's with Jenny Taylor yeah yeah we don't want you ruining the set

yeah you mean the hotel rooms yeah so yeah okay so we've got our we've got our stand up show

we've got some pods yeah there's talk of having a so yeah how many more times are we going to hear the sperm bank bit

by the time we leave yes at least five right well look so we've been talking about we've had previous nights we've had previous nights Talk of having a – so, yeah, how many more times are we going to hear the sperm bank bit by the time we leave? Yes. At least five, right? Well, look, so we've been talking about – we've had previous nights where we do a band night. What do we call it? A music night. Yeah, I think it was like we do it on the final night. Yeah.

Like after the last pod. Yes. We'd go and, yeah, play some music. Yes. So that was like you on the drums. We had Oliver Clark singing one year. We had Oliver Clarke singing one year. We had, who else? We had some pod listeners that could play.

We had a guy who lives in China who's like a gun musician. Him on guitar. Squirter McWhirter on the bass. Listener Squirter on the bass and stuff like that. This year, so we've got Cam. We've got Cam. We've got me. We've got Squirter again. Oh, yeah. So, This year, so we've got Cam. We've got Cam. We've got me. We've got Squirter again.

Oh, yeah. So, dumb question, but do you take the drum kit with you or is that next to the microphones? You're right. That is a dumb question. Just worth asking because they didn't have mics. This is why we have the meeting over there. Do they have a drum kit or not?

That has literally never happened. For this talking conference. Well, yeah, yeah. I would say there's going to be some vague beats happening here. That has literally never happened, I believe they say. For the stalking conference. Well, yeah, yeah, I would say there's going to be some vague beats happening here. Do you have any skins and sticks around in the resort? So I didn't want to give the whole game away. Travelling around to Koh Samui, multiple flights and stopovers with an entire drum kit. That's what I mean. For one, like, 30-minute performance.

a drum kit for one like 30 minute performance now what we've tended to do in the past is we go there'll be like pubs that have like

a house band every night and they just play the same house band there's a pub the pub that we used originally they've had the same

house band for like 15 years the same band come in every night and play the same play It's My Life by Bon Jovi every single fucking night for 15 years so the same band come in every night and play the same play It's My Life by Bon Jovi

every single fucking night for 15 years do they crush it though that's the dream yeah that's the fucking dream is it yeah I don't know

I think every city in the world has those guys just a band that are yeah are they good at it though or is it still a bad

they're fine no no no they're good they're good they're definitely good I mean they practice every night practice makes perfect

yeah but that's because I think what happened is those bands are all following No, they're good. They're good. No, they're good. They're definitely good. I mean, fuck, they practice every night. Practice makes perfect. But that's because I think what happened is those bands are all following the dream of that guy from Journey, the lead singer of Journey. Do you know the story? Arnold Pineda? No. So the lead singer of Journey got throat cancer and died. Or didn't die, but he was singing. What?

Hang on. People want to follow that? The original lead singer. People want to do that? What? But they did massive auditions around America. They couldn't find a new lead singer. what hang on people want to follow the original people want to do that but um they were looking they did massive auditions around america they couldn't find a new lead singer and then one night the guitarist went on youtube and saw a clip of someone singing in the bar in the philippines

in manila like one of these guys who does the same song every night at the bar and he was destroying the journey songs like fucking nailing it all the right key all the right notes everything he flew over watched the guys performing at the back of the room went back

told the rest of the team they flew this guy up and he by the way was like homeless living in friends houses wow and he's now the lead singer of Journey

really? yeah he's Arnold Pineda he's like this legend now this is a real thing this isn't like a Cal Barren Bali situation not at all this is a real there's no rumors here there's Barron Barley situation not at all this is a real

there's no rumors here there's document fees so you're saying if we're in Thailand and I crush blurred lines that's right I'm just saying I could be the new

Robin Thicke are you saying that if we do some hot podcast I think anyone could be the new Robin Thicke except this one if we do some hot podcast

on the Beijing coast when we film and it gets on YouTube I could be on the Joe Rogan show easily definitely guaranteed in fact I would say awesome but yeah so that's why these guys Samui and we film and it gets on YouTube, I could be on the Joe Rogan show? Easily. Definitely.

Guaranteed, in fact, I would say. Awesome. But yeah, yeah. So like, that's why these guys is probably all, they're all just waiting for the fucking someone.

They're waiting for the call. Bon Jovi's gonna see me and then this is it. That's heartbreaking because I know that there was like a full-time Rolling Stones cover band in Koh Samui

and when Charlie Watts fell off the branch, he didn't get the fucking call up. I mean, that's brutal, right? You're one of those guys and you're just like your favorite band and you hear that one of them is really sick and you're like, I mean, this is devastating, but also this could be it. This could be the big moment.

So there's a bit like the ad house bands there have been for 15 years. There's a bunch of places over there that have the house bands. And no one is like, especially during the week, is like flocking to these cover bands. Like they're just there. In the background. Yeah, yeah. They're paying them nothing.

There's a couple of people. They're ruining a few fucking penangs for people really by playing too loud. So we go up and go, hey, it's Tuesday night. You're sort of wrecking the experience of the people who are here. Tomorrow night, we'll come in. We'll guarantee 150 people here if we get to use the instruments. And they go, yeah. Hey, you cunts, fuck off.

It is good when it's like, rather than us just come in here and enjoy listening to your good band play well, what we'll do is you get the night off, but we'll all be here. But what these people want is to see us play music not nearly as well as you do yes in the same way remember we got

like a boys trip booking our business class yeah yeah yeah I'll spot you cunts yeah yeah no but we I think the first time we did it

the band like we only played for like half an hour and then the band like took over yes yeah it's like the time when I said to the resort and I've done that

at the same time with this resort, I said, opening night, let's have an opening night party. I'm happy to, like, you know, we're all happy to hang around here in the resort and we'll all meet each other and, you know, it'll be fun times and we won't have the pressure of doing a show because traditionally people get absolutely off their fucking gourd and then I don't want to perform to people throwing fucking flower pots at me.

Yeah, that was kind of by accident on the first time we ever did it that we just did nothing on the first night. We were like, oh, that's the way to do it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So – You were very excited.

Yeah, yeah. So we said – I've said to them, if you can put on some entertainment, that'll guarantee that everyone hangs around on the first night, something like that. So then we did that the last time we were in coast of millie and i said to them can you please like we're going to have hundreds of people can you please guarantee a band on the beach and they said and everyone will stick around i said i guarantee it we'll all stick around we'll all drink at your resort and it'll be great instead

i said otherwise i'll take these 200 cunts down the road with me. I'll walk. I was treating it like a fucking car purchase. I'll walk. So they put on, I said, here's the specific request. We want a cover band, but we want to be able to do karaoke. We want to be able to sing. Yeah. And they're like, okay. How they must hate you.

Absolutely. For the money, they're happy, but how they must hate you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Including the band, because then the band come on. So the band are like, okay, they agree to it. They're getting paid. So then they go there. All of a sudden, they're playing to 200 people.

They've never played to a crowd like this before in their life. And then we're like, cool, we'll hop up and sing now. And the singer's like, no thanks. Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, big boon for us is that Apple Music and Spotify now have a karaoke feature in them. You can just put a song on and hit a button and it just like mutes the vocals and brings the words up on your screen.

Oh, maybe we can do that opening night then. Yeah. Maybe we can do that. Yeah. You don't even need a machine anymore. Oh. Dedicated karaoke machine. Maybe we can do that opening night.

Everyone's got it in their own damn phone. And what's the weed situation? How's all that shook out? Every second shop. Right. Every second. And the laws aren't changing by the time you get in there? No.

I think just after, right? No, I think they're giving it to the end of the year. Yeah, okay. They're giving it to the end of the year. So, yeah, every second shop. And my friend, yeah, my friend Tony, I think I can say this, he did a bit of a Brett Blake, like it got to the end of the trip and he still had quite a quantity.

And then we started to think, I might just take these home and then when I shouldn't do this, and then took them all at once and smuggled them home in his belly and had a horrifically horrible time on the way home. Yeah, that sounds awful. Just absolutely out of his mind.

Anyway, and just, again, the greatest thing to do. Sitting in the middle seat. Yeah. Refusing to move empty seat next to him exactly and you can't argue with him do you want to move over I am moved over

I'm against the window man I'm on the wing I don't know what we're going to do for vocalists for this band is the only thing because we've got yeah

in the past we had like Oliver Clark and you know so here's the big news so Tony I got yeah in the past we had like Oliver Clark and you know so here's the big news so Tony I got a cam sing are you a cam sing yeah

yeah oh whoa we are I'm wondering if he's going to want to do like because he said

we'll do some of his songs right like we're going to do a couple of them yep but I'm wondering if he's going to want to sing like

we've got to work out because we've also got my friend Kate on keys oh yeah okay well he's musical he's here's the update my friend tony had such a great time for tony from the avalanches he just booked to come back for the festival yeah he can sing so that was the thing i told him about the house band and i'm like and he was like going oh maybe i I can like DJ for you guys and you know, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, really? And he goes, I thought about that for two seconds. Fuck that.

Why am I working on my own? But now he can put in some calls for our band. We can get Rivers Como. Yeah. Well, he can do, you know, we can do some like Limp Bizkit or Korn covers because, you know, they had the DJ in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just scratching.

Yeah, he's just scratching. Yeah, okay. I like this a lot. No, but he used to be in a metal band, in a death metal band. In Marabara's only band back when I was 16 or something, there was a battle of the bands and he was in a band called Mortuary. They had the whole, you know when they have the death metal font

yeah yeah yeah so he had Mortuary which is classic title the death metal font but then they I do like metal's got to be the only genre

that has its own font every band uses the same font it makes it easy when you're coming up with the t-shirt it's like it's all ready to go

sans serif yeah yeah yeah they use millions of serifs that are coming off the font there? Does this exist? A metal band called Times New Roman. But then it's in the metal font. Right, right, right. Maybe that could be the name of our band in Thailand.

Hit it up for Helvetica! Just specifically to annoy all the OCD headbangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the design fans. Huge crossover. Actually, genuinely huge crossover in metal and graphicangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the design fans. Huge crossover. Actually, genuinely huge crossover in metal and graphic design. Yeah, there is. Big time.

That's who you're playing to. Yeah. So he was like, yeah, so it was like a death metal band, but they did Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. So he goes, well, I know that one, so we can do that one. Maybe I can sing. I can go Bruno Mars style. Vocals and drums

oh yeah how is Phil Collins not the guy you referenced for that exactly why do you have to go Bruno Mars over Phil Collins because I'm just a baby

unbelievable I would have gone Phil Collins Cram from Spider-Man alright yeah but I like Karen Carpenter

but Bruno Mars is more rizzed up that's more how I see myself I didn't even know he was a drummer that's I'm out of it yeah yeah didn't even know he was a drummer. I'm out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he drums and he sings. What can't he do? Be good at music. Oh! Uptown Funk going to give it to you. That's a good... Actually, yeah, we should think about having some Bruno Mars in the repertoire. You can use it as a repertoire. The first time Thailand will have heard the sounds of Uptown Funk.

Going across the beaches. People across the beaches, what is that sound? What new sound? Well, what do you want us to do? A Thai guy on the phone going, Lek, I think I heard that new sound. You know what we've been looking for. What are we meant to play on the closing night of a beach party?

Oh, sorry, here's everything in its right place by Radiohead. What are we fucking meant to be doing up there? Oh, Superman by Laurie Anderson.

Are they about to do Chocolate Starfish in full? This is the greatest night of my life. Can I put in a request? I've long been on the record the nationalem of Thailand Is It's My Life by Bon Jovi

Can we learn that? Oh right I thought you meant Actually Can you learn on drums The National Anthem of Thailand No no no I will learn how to sing

It's My Life by Bon Jovi If you can learn how to drum it You'll go and get You'll go and get some vocal lessons Yes In the next four weeks There's a lot of high notes in that one Yeah I'll be in the car I'll be There's a lot of high notes in that one, yeah.

I'll be in the car, I'll be driving from here to Maribor back and forth just practicing it. It's my life and it's now or never. No, Carl.

No. We've been through this. Put these marbles in your mouth. What's he doing? Why? No, I don't know. Those are not the diaphragm.

I was thinking the king's speech to make him do that So I was stuttering through It's My Life It's my life, folks That's good John Bonporky That's my life, folks That's good John Bon Porky That's my life folks That's good

That's so good That's There's Oh man We gotta I'm gonna put that into An AI song general Yeah yeah

When you guys leave Can you Can you do me up audio Of Porky Pig singing The the the the That's my life folks I'm gonna see if I can get that made And if I can I'll stitch it onto the internet

And then animate it with the dreams thing Oh yeah going through the circle Going through the circle that's got the Thailand colours Yeah yeah yeah Alright lots of work on Well we better wrap it up there For another instalment Sammy's checked his watch about six times

Oh yeah sorry Sammy's going to go teach a class I've got a class in an hour yet. All right, thank you very much, Tom Ballard and Sammy Shah. Also, last minute, we have some people that want to get rid of rooms for the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival, and I am hell-bent against refunds. So if you want to buy their rooms, get on to them or us or reach out, find out how you're going to get their rooms.

But if you are a last minute, absolute fucking dare them. There's a listener by the name of Bal Karen who's all of a sudden not too keen on coming along. Yeah, check all that out, littledumbdumbclub.com for those details. Get onto it. It is four weeks out and time's gone by. We have had some very last minute people who have decided because it is going to be fucking cold in Australia by the time we go there in a month. And it's going to be some cold in australia by the time we go there in a month and it's going to be some i'll tell you what there's a reason why tony went there for the first time and then went fuck this i'm coming back in a month four weeks yeah yeah it was a good time uh

check that out tom you've got a tour that is rolling on your good point well made yes this saturday in sydney at the comedy store it's almost gone but i'd love um dumb enough heads to come along to that uh yes saturday at 5 30 p.m at almost gone, but I'd love Dumb and Dumber Heads to come along to that. Yes, Saturday at 5.30pm at the Sydney Comedy Store. We'd love to see people there. One of the best, Tom Beller. One of the best stand-ups in the country. Yeah, I saw the show and I loved it.

Thanks, mate. I'd like to plug a fundraiser I'm doing for the Greens on Saturday, May 25th. That's happening in Melbourne as well at the Kindred Ballroom. Myself, Danny McGinley. Heard of him? Kirstie Wiebeck, Nath Valvo, a bunch of other very funny people. A great night of comedy, raising money for the Greens of the West. It must be very worthy getting Nath Valvo to do a gig.

I know. I can't believe that I managed to guilt this motherfucker into it. But he was doing it, saying he was going to do it, but he's crying with his parents at the airport or something. Yeah, my parents are leaving on the same day. I don't know how long it takes to cry about your parents leaving or whatever, but anyway. Raising money for Greens in the West a week before we go and raise money for Greens in the South East. Oh, yes!

That's good. That's good. It's my life. Sammy, anything to plug? Nothing at all. All right, see you, mate. And they've done it again. They have done it again.

Fun ep. Yeah. Good shit. Go and see Tom Ballard's show live if you want. Go and see all of our shows that we've said. If you're in Sydney, as we were talking about before, if you're thinking, boy, I can't wait to go see the boys do the podcast on Saturday, July 20.

I wish there was some comedy a little bit before that that I could go and see. Well, this weekend. You're in luck. You can go and see Tom Ballard at the Sydney Comedy Store. Timmy Billiards doing live stand-up comedy, if you can believe it. Yep. Like we've been banging on about, you can come and see us in Brisbane. You can come and see us in Melbourne. You can come and see us in Koh Samui. And now, you can come and see us

in Sydney. Good shit. Get along to any and all of that. We would love for you to do that. Come and say hi at the end of the show if you want as well. Love to meet you. Yeah. Great, fun episode that was. Oh, of course, this is the major thing we have to talk about.

As Timmy Billiards did leave the room. You know what? He just released a big special on YouTube. Yeah. And he's just released a big special in your bathroom, Tom. Just thinking about this in my head, I dare say this could turn into content for the next episode. Well. I'm just imagining what I'm going to have to do

for the rest of the afternoon to take care of this. Yeah. He has, we're sitting here waiting for him to leave so we could start recording this. And he was in the bathroom for a very long time. And I said to you, is this cunt having a shower? What's going on in here? He did say that, folks.

It was very funny. It's true. It was very funny. Tommy's only not laughing. It was absurd. Tommy's only not laughing now because he laughed himself out from before. Because I heard it already. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's absurd. Imagine someone just doing that. Yes. Being at someone's house and just getting in the shower heard it already, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's absurd. Imagine someone just doing that. Yes. Being at someone's house and just getting in the shower. Imagine having a shower. Yeah. Yeah, crazy. So then he walked out and then said, no reason why, but do you have a plunger, Tommy?

From before. From before. And you don't have a plunger, I believe. No. Yeah. And now you took it very calmly and then you walked in to the toilet and you went, oh, fucking my God, and I thought you were doing it in a comedic sense. And you came out and you were quite shell-shocked.

Yeah, it's bad. And it's real. It's really bad. It's real. I think even a plunger, I don't know what that would do at this point. So here's why I think it's – I'm almost – I'm holding on. I do need a piss, but I don't want to go in and see it.

Well, I don't want – you can't have any more stuff in there. Yeah. It's not up to you. I'm putting- Even if you were like, no, I'm fine with it, I'd be saying, you're not going in there. Right. Oh, right. I can't piss in there.

I can't afford to have anything more in there at this point. Oh, okay. That's fair. Guess who else needs to piss? Oh, right. Someone who- That's their only fucking toilet. Yeah.

You get to leave. You have another toilet you can use. This is it for me. Yeah, sorry. So the reason I'm thinking this is probably going to be worth talking about in the future because now I'm imagining myself, what do I do here? I guess I've got to get a plumber. Right.

And I feel like I am going to have to say, this wasn't me. Yes. My friend was just here and did this. You know what? Crank up. Have you got an old rerun of Tonightly that you can put on TV? Just point him out and say, this is the man. Yeah.

He's already been cancelled on this show. He should be cancelled in bathrooms nationwide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What would you – I've got to go to the plumber, right? Well, can't you go in there with a big stick and break it up or something? I don't know. What do you do?

Yeah, I don't know if it is. I've never had a man that fat in my bathroom and had this situation happen. I don't know if it's clogged or if the flush is just not working. I don't know. I don't know. He did come out and sort of insinuate maybe it was the toilet's fault, which I thought was cute. Well, at a certain point, it is the toilet's fault.

If you've clogged the toilet and it can't, its job is to dispose of that. So if it's getting overwhelmed by just a sheer volume, that sort of is on the toilet. But then on the flip side, it's a pretty new toilet. Oh, really? Our bathroom got renovated not all that long ago. You had to move out to get this all done. Are you going to have to move out again? Fuck, imagine that.

That would be the final straw. And they're putting our rent up too. Oh, well, I will have to see in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, it's all happening here. Well, maybe they'll put the rent down because there goes the neighborhood. A big fat shit lives here now and it's never going away. Yeah, I really don't know what to do.

I really do not know what to do. I guess I've got to go outside and find a big stick do you know what i was really what would you do in this i was feeling sorry for myself i've got so much fucking work to do because i've been away in samaria and i've been putting off work then my wife is now is away for three days and my child is sick yep um i've been doing – there's a lot been going on. Yep. And I was like, fuck, I'm just almost – I'm so full of stress about it. Now I would – I feel jealous of myself now.

Yeah, yeah. I'm in a better position than you. No, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was feeling rotten about my own diary coming up. Yep. And now it's like, whoa, that is a relief.

I was going to get into the weeds on some pretty dull admin work this afternoon. And now I don't know if I will do that. Yeah. But I'm thinking back fondly to like, God, remember when I thought that was going to be the worst part of the day? Yeah. Remember Excel? What a dream.

Fucking hell. Yucky, yucky poo. But what would you, if you were me right now. Big stick. You also haven't, you haven't signed it yet. You're lucky. No. But you're going big stick first?

Big stick first. Absolutely. I mean, that's, I do wonder if I do that and it still doesn't work and I have to get the plum around here and he's like, why is there all this bark in there? Yeah. That's fine, I think. It's, I mean, fuck, you wouldn wouldn't what do you think a plunger would do at this point would it even touch the sides uh yeah i mean it's because it's it's filling

it's like it's you know the water's kind of the water's coming up it's up to its sort of its maximum is it up to how far is it it up to what's the expression? Tell you what. No. Treat yourself. No. Go have a look. Should I?

We need to get on the same page here. We just need to get on the same page. You know the rule. Show, don't tell. Go in there. Treat yourself to a little look. Jesus Christ. The dog looks really, the dog, I mean, yeah.

Should I bring the dog in? No, no, no. Oh. No. no no no just go all the time he's walking up the hallway luckily the toilet is not too far away from uh where we're recording in my living room he's holding his nose in the comical he's got the peg out and he's got it clamped over both nostrils um he's going in he's lifted the lid and and I've heard an audible, yeah, it's bad, isn't it? Has it gone down? The water's gone down. Oh, the water's gone down a bit, okay.

Well, that's good. That's a relief. Yeah. The water's gone down, but what I'm even more disgusted at... Wrong mic. What I'm even more disgusted at is the fact that he's gone with the, I'll just cover this in toilet paper and maybe it never happened.

Well, I think he was wiping his ass when he flushed it. Okay. Well, fuck, there's a lot of toilet paper. Now, this is raising questions about how you do it. Flush and then paper? No, but there's a lot of toilet paper there. Yeah, well, he was in there a while. Again, we're really getting into the weeds on this.

Yeah. But so the water going down, that shows that it's maybe not too clogged if the water's able to go down a bit well it shows that his shit is not 100 the size of your toilet yeah so there has been little trickles coming down either side which is which is nice to think that his asshole doesn't push out something that size. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm enjoying it because as he left, he knew that we'd be talking about this in this part of the show. And Tom's a great supporter of this podcast.

He does listen every week. Yes. So he's getting a nice little treat on Wednesday. Yeah. It's like sometimes you go, I listen to this every week, but I was just on that episode. I don't need to listen back.

Yeah. But this time it's like, no, it's like a whole new, like a whole new show about me. I've got a feeling Tom Ballard's... He must feel like that real life stalker from Baby Reindeer right now. I've got the vibes from Tom Ballard is that he listens back to the episodes he's on.

Yeah, yeah. I've got that vibe. I've got that vibe from him. In his show, he had a bit about dropping his AirPods into the toilet, ironically enough. And he dropped them because he goes, I was laughing at something I said on a podcast.

Oh, great. And in my head, I went, I bet that was ours. Yeah, was it? I don't know. Did you find out? I didn't ask him. Tom, let us know. Yeah, let us know.

That's interesting. If you've made it this far in, let us know. Yeah, let us know. That's interesting. If you've made it this far in, let us know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if we got a message from Tom's management? What if this was the first time management intervened and went, you need to take this down? We can't have you talking about one of our clients' big turds. I had the great pleasure of explaining to my daughter what a turd was the other day.

It's good. Good to get her in. Well, anyway, look look we've both got big jobs ahead of us well normally i you know let's like get this done get on with our day i mean knowing what i'm doing after this let's just stretch out no let's do 10 names this no i need to do a piece as well so yeah fuck so do i yeah yeah let's get into it i'll just go out into the street. You've got a backyard. I'd piss in your backyard if I was you. Yeah, probably. Well, it's good enough for Kewpie.

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I would, but I think that's a step too far. I don't want to then have you sit here and do talking, talking, dum-dum, and talk about how dare Chando fucking take a piss in my backyard for half an hour. Yeah, that's never occurred to me that I could just sit here and record an extra 40 minutes of shit after you leave and just stitch that onto the end of the air. I'm going to do that one week. I'm going to do an extra little bonus show at the very end.

Nice little treat for me. And just see how long it takes me to get snitched out by one of the listeners. And how long do you reckon? Seconds. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you to everyone. Speaking of snitches, dirty fucking snitches, cunts that listen to this show,

thank you for listening. And thank you especially to the people who monetize it. Yep. The people who get onto patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, or if you want to just click through our website, littledumbdumbclub.com, because there is where you can find tickets to our live shows. And while you're there, you can full-on maximise your bank account connecting to this show

by supporting us every week, just like these people. The good people that have gone before you, but here are the people that are going currently. Thank you very much. First cab off the rank to Patreon subscriber, Jimmy Stockton. Jimmy Stockton.

Yep. I'm just bracing myself for like the number of plumbers that we have listened to this. That are then going to be on the social on Wednesday being like, don't use a big stick, you fucking idiot. Or like, it's so easy to unclog a toilet, you fucking moron. How can you not know that? I'm happy to hear it.

I'm happy to hear the answer. If there's a better thing than a big stick, I'm happy to hear about it. I think I would have been happier to hear it like 24 hours ago when it might have been to benefit to me. After going through probably the worst case scenario that you can face with that, I think it'll be annoying to me because it's too late. Now, Jimmy Stockton's no plumber. He sounds like some sort of 1930s Wall Street banker instead.

But if Jimmy Stockton was a plumber, I would like to hear a plumber's thoughts, not only on this situation, but as I was harking back to before, the toilet paper situation. You know when you go into an office, public toilet, and someone's basically put a whole toilet roll down the toilet. Yeah. What is going on there? Well, what is going on there is women do that to mask the sound.

Do they? They're disgusting lady piss. No, but they don't do it to that extent, do they? Yeah. Well, all right, put it this way. How come there's been so many women going to the male toilets I've been in where that's happened? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. This is the interesting thing, though, is that people don't talk about this publicly, who been so many women going to the male toilets i've been in where that's happened yeah okay i mean i don't know this is the interesting thing though is that like people don't talk about this publicly who actually again tom ballard had a bit in his show about um the uh the split between people who stand up to wipe their ass yes versus people who sit down oh and people people don't really talk about this publicly but you mention it to someone and people are like what the fuck are you to everyone thinks that their way is the only way yeah so there's probably is amount of toilet paper that you use that's probably another one where it's like people like what do you mean you don't go through the entire role yes but these people that go through the entire role in a public fucking toilet in an office situation who then clearly clog it up.

If they do the same thing at home, clearly they're walking into that situation every night. Yeah, maybe it's like you do it in public because you're like, hey, this toilet paper's free. I'm not paying for this. I'm going to maximize my usage of it. But then when you're at home, obviously, but then sometimes you just get into a habit.

And it's like, oh, fuck. Because for Tom, this is a public toilet. Yes. Yes. Any toilet that's not yours is a public toilet. He's treating my house like a fucking train station. You're part of the public. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you've got to get some blue lights installed in there in case you… That is truly… What's in there at the moment? The last time I saw something like that, I was like in a nightclub. Seeing that in a house is confronting. That's like real underneath like Flinders Street Station level. I just spent a week in Thailand and I never saw anything approaching that.

Yeah. You know why? Bum gun as well. Bum gun. No dunny paper in there. Paper going in the bin next to the toilet. Yep. Yep. Yep.

They got it right. I've never seen a clogged up toilet papered toilet in Thailand. Yep. Because of the bum gun. There's not 15 bum guns jammed into a cistern. Next question to you. If you're in my shoes, let's say it gets to the point of me having to get the plumber in. Are you trying to

are you going like oh no this wasn't are you are you bothering with going like hey just so you know this was my friend was just here oh or do you just go or do you know what i mean you just assume look this guy's seen it all whether it was me or not it fucking what do i care it doesn't matter no absolutely strange i'm never gonna see again fuck you or do you try and save some kind of face no stitching him right up this is it's a it's it's way better i thought i thought you were going to go as far to say do you invoice tom ballard for destroying your toilet that's where i thought you were going well this is the worst thing about it is like i'll have to go through the real estate i have to get their guy and hopefully get it covered through them and be like, hey.

So now I'm having to tell the real estate agent, hey, comedian Tom Ballard came in and has ruined my toilet. Can you get the plumber for me? You've got a big TV here. This is a big TV. I'm putting his face on the TV. Him, that guy. Yeah.

That was him. Yeah, I bring him in, bring the plumber in, show the face on big TV. I'm putting his face on the TV and as you walk in. Him, that guy. Yeah. That was him. Yeah, I bring him in, bring the plumber in, show the face on the TV, then show the toilet and then show him the TV again just to get it really into his head. Yeah, Tom, I'll give you a few more views on that special. You're not going to like where they're coming from. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Plumber's Christmas party.

Yes, yes. Go. I mean, you know, he would probably like seeing that going, wow, this guy is fucking, you know, getting his business. I like this guy. This could be the plumber's new favorite comedian. Yeah. Good point.

Yeah. Good point. Get him on tour. You know, maybe, you know, he's going to Sydney this weekend. Yeah. All of a sudden there's some Sydney plumber sitting here going. Sweet sponsorship deal from Armitage Shanks. Yeah.

I mean, who's the closest plumber to the comedy store? They could have a job on their hands Saturday night. Good point. Yeah. Good point. But Jimmy Stockton, he's, I mean, he sounds more like a cub reporter or, like I said, a Wall Street. Well, he could be reporting on this crime that's taken place in his house.

He could be. He could have the little press ticket in his hat. Yep. Going, I mean, I don't think back in the day people would used to, you know, do full news stories on turds in toilets, but I don't know. I honestly, though, this is a legitimate fear for me. The way my brain works, this is all we're talking about now. It's obviously time is of the essence here.

I can fully see myself. You leave. And then I'm also like, got to have lunch, got to clean the dishes, got to do all this other stuff. I can see the idea of this task leaving my brain. And then all of a sudden, front door opens. Lauren's coming in from work. No!

Don't go in there! There's no way. There's no way that can happen this is too big well i know you can forget stuff well stranger things have happened i don't think i've this is it this is not even i would be less of a chance of uh forgetting this than then forgetting my passport to go to the airport this would be more front and center in my brain than that. Yeah. There's no way.

Yeah. I still sometimes, when I've got a trip coming up, I'm still like, I could so easily forget my passport. It's not in my brain, but this thing. Yeah. You're not going to forget that. I mean, look, we're getting into lunchtime. I'm thinking it does have to be soon as the door closes from you out.

Yeah. I'm eating after it's done. That's my little reward. I'm not doing it. Working up an appetite looking in that thing. Well, yeah, that's it. But, oh, God. Yeah, it needs to be.

It's one of those ones where it's the Band-Aid you need to rip off. You need to just get it done. This is white privilege. Yeah. War going on in Gaza. My friend did a big poo-poo in my toilet. privilege. Yeah. It's war going on in Gaza. My friend did a big poo-poo in my toilet. Yeah. Yeah.

And left some hot content. Well, thank you, Jimmy Stockton. Hopefully you do have, if you have any plumber friends, ask them. Let us know. Thanks, James Stockton. James. This will be great synergy if one of these, if we hear from one of these listeners during the week

and it turns out one of them's a plumber. I would love that. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Catherine S. That's it. No news if the S is for shit. That would be good. I'd really hate it if she was holding out on us.

Her name is Catherine. Well, the S-bend. Isn't that a type of pipe? Of course it is. There you go. There name is Catherine. Well, the S-bend. Isn't that a type of pipe? Of course it is. There you go. There's the synergy right there. Catherine S-bend. Yep.

That's what we're doing with this readout is we're doing to that S what Ballard just did to yours. Yep. Yep. God. Ballard just into yours Yep Yep God I hope you don't have stuck In your surname What you've got stuck In your S I tell you what

If I'd known what was coming I really would have held off On how much water I was drinking in that break I took down like a full Like that bottle and a half Yep And it's

It's hitting me I know I'm I'm I would like to have another sip and i'm not going to i was thinking i was going to go straight home i think i'm going to go to the pub for lunch now because they go to toilet oh yeah there's a big trek ahead of me yep but um the idea of uh of making it all the way there i think i will do myself medical damage now so i'm not going to

do that i'm going to use as advertised in katherine, I'm going to use the S-Bend just over the road. Oh, yeah. Treat myself to a little lunch. A little pub piss. I think I'm on a little order of lunch. Walk away. Come back.

Lunch is basically ready after having a little tinkle. Oh, yeah. Maybe I'll go up and use the toilet at the Creatures of Habit bar and band room. That's a great idea. That's actually not a bad idea. What time do they open? No, they don't open this early. They don't open for lunch.

They don't do apartments. Guess who I've got a fucking text from. Thanks for having me and sorry again about the blockage. And who's that from? Someone funny, my mum. Oh, that's funny. Believe it or not, we're in the middle of talking about it right now. Yes. Yes.

Great. Well, Catherine S., I mean, this is a great example of where your Patreon dollars go to. This is Plumber. This week, your little bit is going towards the noble profession. Plumber, someone to come in and take the poo-poo. The oldest profession, cleaning toilets. The oldest profession in the world. Just before the prostitute, sex worker, someone came in.

Yep. There's one sort of plumbing and then there's another sort of plumbing. Fixing someone's plumbing in one way or the other. Damn, closed Monday, Tuesday. Yeah. Do you have the contact of the guy who runs it who sponsored us? I do. If I'm like, hey man, can you come open up for me?

I actually do have his number. I actually do. But when's he open? When's Creatures of Habit open? It's not open. Yeah, Monday, Tuesday is closed. And then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday from 4pm. From 4pm.

Until midnight on Wednesday and then until 1am all the other nights. Big question. Yep. Do they do food there? I don't know. Let's have a look. The number here for the venue is just a mobile number. You see them out more and more these days, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go on to their official website. The Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room. Oh, there's a dog in this photo. Maybe I can bring my dog to the show. My dog can come to his first ever live podcast when we do our going away party. I'm going to text him. You can do a meet and greet with Kewpie.

I'll text him. Do you have any food at all there? I'm not seeing... I'm not seeing... Yeah, I'm seeing no evidence Do you have any food at all there? I'm not seeing... I'm not seeing... Yeah, I'm seeing no evidence of food on this website. Just so we know, on June the 1st, 3 p.m. or whatever it is, 3 p.m.? You know what it's giving me a vibe of is no kitchen there, but get a little Sivlaki from next door.

That's what I'm thinking. You've got to bring that in. Get a pizza from down... That's what I'm thinking. You've got to bring that in. Get a pizza from down. That's what I'm thinking. Get a pizza from Shawcross across the street. Yeah, there's a lot of food around there. Yep. Bring some food in.

You get hungry, sinking piss. Hole-in-the-wall dive bar, serving up locally sourced independent brands and seasonal cocktails. Sustainable, accessible, and ethical focus. Weirdos welcome. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's how we got there. You don't know the half of it, brother.

Yeah. Funny stuff. Doesn't say anything about coming in just for a piss. Yeah, don't do that. I mean. You've got to get like a, I don't know, buy a Coke and then just tip it out. Buy yourself a cocktail. Sit on the dunny with a mojito.

Espresso martini at midday. All right. Nah, man man just beer and cocktails etc okay what is the so what do i ask what is the what is the food situation in terms of didn't you just ask that oh no yeah can you bring stuff in from yeah can you order in from places nearby yeah ordering in there's a lot of good food a lot of good food in that in that hood nearby yeah okay that's there we go um Catherine S um a big big cloggage in your surname um I mean yeah it says it all of a sudden you start to go yeah

shit in the ground's not too bad, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of having this convoluted airspin. I mean, that's a lot of work for a big turd to go... Someone coming to your camp and being like, I've clogged up your hole. Yeah. Your hole's overflowing.

What are we going to do? Oh, shit. We're going to have to get the shovel man again. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. We don't have plumbers yet. We've only just invented prostitution yes

so it's gonna be it's gonna take a while for us to get a plumber so ideally katherine s should be katherine i that's what it should be yeah thanks katherine yeah thanks katherine this is the most hectic one of these we've ever done yeah uh thank you very much to patreon subscriber beck gerard beck gerard Yeah Gerard Or Gerard Someone had a go at me On one of our groups For how I pronounce Castle Mane

Oh yeah How am I meant to How are you meant to say it What Castle Mane Castle Mane Yeah Do you say Do you say

Crowel Castle Or do you say Crowel Castle I'd say Castle Okay Well that's I don't know That's your

That's your Private school upbringing Tommy Notes on pronunciation From a podcast listener. Brutal stuff. There's a bit of it in that part of the world because there's Castlemaine. So the locals up there would say Castlemaine.

Yep. There's also a little town spelt, here we go, T-A-L-B-O-T. Talbot. We call it Talbot. Talbot. Well, if you were truly the poshest of the posh, Talbot. Talbot We call it Talbot Talbot Well if you were truly the poshest of the posh Talbo Talbo

That's good I haven't heard that one Talbo That's like the old Tajay trick I did a couple of gigs over the weekend And I was thinking I was going to debut that private school material I was working on the other week But I lost my nerve Oh damn I do want to do that private school material I was working on the other week. But I lost my nerve. Oh, damn. I do want to do it, but it's high risk.

Because if people don't go for it, and it's just you being like, I went to a private school, isn't that funny? And people are like, no, we hate you now. All right, well, what else is going on? It's still funny. You've got to hold your nerve. Yeah, I've got – hey, people might see this in Koh Samui. But I've got – funnily enough,

I've actually got some sperm bank adjacent material there that people can hear. Also, gig went good. After the gig, I went to meet my friend at a bar called The Yarra in Abbotsford, and another comedian who'd been on just saw me after my set open up Uber and put in Uber 2 and just type in and search The Yarra, and they were like, I didn't think it went that bad. That's good.

Good stuff. Here we go. The official message back is this. I said, what's the food situation in terms of ordering in? That's totally cool. We allow outside food, heaps of stuff to choose from on Brunswick Street and surrounds. Most people usually get pizza from across the road. It's gone full PR mode.

Yeah, but there's lots of other stuff. Thank you. Now, follow-up question. Can you come and let me in now to use the toilet? I can't. Are you nearby? Can I come in and use the toilet in about 20 minutes? If only.

We are doing Talking Dumb Dumb right now Yep. And if only you were open For us to come use the toilet. If only you were open Tom Ballard

Ballard wrote back By the way and said I'm sure you're being Very fair and balanced In your coverage What are we supposed to say? Fair and balanced coverage Is what's happening

In that bowl at the moment Yeah It's balanced alright And it's There's coverage Yes Thank you We are doing

Talking Dumb Dummy Finally you are open Tommy Ballard just did A big shit And clogged Tommy's dunny. We wish you were open now. Open now for a cocktail, of course. God, I've got a headache. There we go.

That's even better. I've accidentally written, Tommy Balad just did a big shit and clogged Tommy Dunny. Yeah, I think that gets it across perfectly. Yeah, yeah. That conveys the sort of... Follow-up question. The whole sort of mental sort of vibe that's going on right now.

That's what you're reduced to when you're desperate for a piss. Yes. Well, Bec Gerrard, she's got the same name as the greatest Liverpool player of all time, Steven Gerrard. That's pretty good. Yeah, that is good.

He put many a round thing in the back of the net. Yep. The only thing is they were able to take it out at the end, unlike the back of the net business that just happened

in that room just over there. She's got the same name as Fat Man from FIFA movie. What does that mean? Gerard Depardieu. Oh got the same name as Fat Man from FIFA movie. What does that mean? Gerard Depardieu. Oh, yeah, right, that FIFA movie. What's it called again? Don't know.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, something really bad because it was paid for by FIFA. It's propaganda. It's propaganda, yeah. It was a very one-sided look at history of the international. Some of history's greatest monsters. Yes, and there's one just here in your bathroom

right now all roads lead back to my tour yeah well thanks Bec Gerrard thank you to if you're any any relation

to the great man maybe I could just send all my my fondest wishes maybe I could just leave it as is and then I could

host like a reality to a viewing party after the show on June 1st. Now, we're going to have to live with this for two weeks. Three weeks. Thanks, Bec Jarrah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber H Thompson. Okay.

A lot of just initials this week. I know. I know. I figure they give us just as much money as the other ones. Sometimes I used to get a bit picky and go, if you're not putting in the full thing, I'm going to ignore you. But I figure you've got to include them. Yeah, they should put in more, though.

If you're giving us less to work with, we're working harder in this. So, therefore, we should be getting a little bit more. I mean, is this Hunter S. Thompson? Is this H for heroin? Is it heroin Thompson? We should start at a base rate at $100 and then for every letter

that's in your name, you get to take $10 off. Oh, yeah. Is it H? H, that would be good. I mean, it's a nickname, H. If this guy's name

was Heroin Thompson, that would be pretty fucking good. You do see some people just rocking the first letter name. Yeah. H you get a bit of. I reckon that would be, I knew a guy That'd be pretty fucking good. You do see some people just rocking the first letter name. Yeah. H you get a bit of. I reckon that would be, I knew a guy nicknamed H.

There's a guy, you know that comedian, H. John Benjamin? Oh, yeah. What letters, that's a better letter to use. What's a bad letter for it to be called as a first name? I mean, A is just confusing, I think. Yeah, A is a bad one. Any of the vowels. Yeah. E, yeah.

E. Oh, E's all right. My mum gets called E a fair bit. Oh, really? Because her name is Elaine. Because she manages Vinnie Chase? Yes. She's a little man.

Yes. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, E. F. She's a little man Yes Yeah That's it Yeah E F Well F F Scott Fitzgerald Oh yeah

F You know I feel like as long as there's like a big person who's done it I is bad I is bad Yeah Yeah yeah yeah But also

It's the You know The self I You know Yeah So maybe it's the best one I That's so bad to yell out to someone I Chandler Yes It's the self, I. So maybe it's the best one.

That's so bad to yell out to someone. I. I. Chandler. Yes. Is there a comma there or what's happening? I. Chandler. Yeah, that's bad. J is just actually a person's name.

That's true. That's a good one. That's an easy one. Yeah, that's an easy one. K. K's in the same. K's okay. Not a million miles away from like Kate.

K is a name. K is a lady's name. K is a lady's name. Yeah. It works K is a name. K is a lady's name. K is a lady's name. Yeah. It works phonetically. Yeah. L is a lady's name? L is a good one.

There's a lot of those. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. M. I think M's been popularized because M&M's nickname is M. His abbreviation is M. Mm-hmm. I could...

M. Well, again, it's a name. Mm-hmm. M. M. Oh, yeah. Sure. For Emily. You're right. Emily. Yeah. Fuck. again, it's a name. M. M. Emily. Oh, yeah, sure, for Emily. You're right.

Emily, Emma. Yeah. Fuck. God, there's a lot of it. There's more than I ever dreamt of, Tommy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, would you go T?

You know what this bit is? What? A good impression of what's in that bowl right now. Oh, no. Would you ever go with T? Would I go T? T's all right. T's not bad.

I don't mind T. Maybe we can try that out. Tea. Hey, tea. Hey, tea. Yeah. Well, that is the Sopranos. Is it? Yeah. People call them tea. Oh, do they? Tony, yeah. I just forgot for a second about your toilet and I thought I might take a piss after this. Fuck.

Now I can see what you were talking about before. You might forget about it. I forgot about it. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Boy, fucking Dexy's working overtime this afternoon to get me to remember to clean out my shitter.

All right. Well, thanks H Thompson. See that, can you see to your right how the fiddle leaf, the fiddle fig is like kind of held up? Yeah.

Like it's kind of, it's got a little support. Yes. There's part of me going, fuck, that might need to be called on for a kind of held up. Yeah. Like it's kind of, it's got a little support. Yes. There's part of me going, fuck, that might need to be called on for a bit of unclogging. Look at it. Nice and thin. Perfect length. Oh.

That's what I need. If I come out. I need a lot of range. I don't want to be getting, I don't want to be bending over. If I, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to be sort of like harpooning. I want to be as far away as possible. You're a harpooner.

Yeah. Yeah. If I come back here next week or something and then it's like there's actually no plants left and you've just used them all. I flushed them all down the toilet. You've just used them all to break it up. You've gone fucking farewell Moby Dick. I'm getting my whole arsenal here to get rid of you.

If you get a drip of splash back on me at any part of this process, all of these clothes are being fucking set on fire yeah yeah no offense tom yeah yeah look let's just enjoy comedy and and you know take your mind off it for a while off where you're about to go and just read out the last name thank you very much to patron subscriber oh it's another initial that's pretty cool thank you very much to wc Oh, what's that stand for? What a cunt. What a

colossal turd. It's funny that this is like, it's just dawned on me that me and Tom used to live together. And this is like such a housemate thing to happen. And now it's happening when we don't live together. Delayed response. Didn't happen before? No, not to my memory.

Can you text him and ask him what he ate last night? I'm keen to. Seems a bit personal. That might be a bit rude. That's a bit beneath us. It's a bit rude. That's a bit crass. You're right.

You're right. Fair enough. Well, thanks WC Comedy and everyone, all the ships that went before you. Yep. Thanks to everyone who subscribes to Patreon. And please, you could be one of these people that we could be overlaying over the top of talking about a turd in a dunny.

Yeah, thanks, guys. Get your ticket to Brisbane. Maybe there'll be some follow-up from this great saga for me to talk about up there in the beautiful state of Queensland. Yes. Get your tickets to everything we've got coming up. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mates.