The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 713 - Ed Kavalee & Ray O'Leary (plus live Talkin' Dum Dum with Greg Larsen)

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

We're joined by ED KAVALEE and RAY O'LEARY this week! We go deep into the comedy history of Ray O'Leary including: where his name came from, where his suit came from, and the nightmarish meal that he used to eat every single day. Also, we're about to leave for Koh Samui so of course Ed wants to hear all about it, and we've got some prizes to give away with our very own secret sound. PLUS there's a live Talkin' Dum Dum recorded at the Creatures of Habit Bar & Bandroom with guest GREG LARSEN! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Ed Cavalli and Ray O'Leary, followed by Talking Dum Dum, recorded live at the Creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room with special guest Greg Larson. We are off to Koh Samui this coming weekend. We will see you there if you're coming along. And also, we are going to be in Sydney Saturday, July the 20th. Tickets still going to that littledumbdumbclub.com. We will see you there.

But until then, enjoy this new episode with Ed Cavalli and Ray O'Leary. Carl's not here in the room with me right now. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassel. And with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests.

Oh, the original odd couple. Please welcome back onto the show Ed Cavill and Ray O'Leary. Thank you, thank you. Fags not being Shane Jacobson. Oh, yeah, okay. The odd couple. That means you are your Tom McKinney. I'm Matthew Peary?

No, you're Tom McKinney. Oh, Tom McKinney, oh dear. Who is that? Is he, that's the voice of SpongeBob? So which one's which? Are you Felix Unger? Are you the voice of SpongeBob? So hang on. So which one's which? Are you Felix Unger? Are you the tidy one? You're the tidy one. Yeah, I'm the tidy one.

He's the messy one. Because they're doing the live play, right? Yeah, they're doing that play at the moment. And I saw them described on Sunrise as unlikely best friends. Why is it unlikely? Well, they're the odd couple. That's why. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So you've got to maintain that. It would be the even couple otherwise. Oh, the even couple. Someone introducing the interview with them who just doesn't get it. It's like, well, here we've got them in the studio. You might call them the original odd couple. It's the odd couple. It's two guys playing a version of the original odd couple. It's the odd couple. It's two guys playing a version of the original odd couple.

It's weird that they've picked you, too, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of chemistry. You seem to be quite different, actually. You look different. You act different. Someone should put on like an Avengers of odd couples where it's like everyone who's ever played them across those big productions

and you get all of them together in the house. Who's the oddest couple? Oddest couple yeah that's a fun idea it's i mean i mean look oddest couple so what's the oddest couple you've ever been in ray the oddest couple i've ever been in i think this one's pretty strange to me yeah yeah you two are looking pretty like a pretty good i'd go right now you are dressed very violently different you talk differently you've dressed up for the talk differently you've dressed up for the podcast I've dressed up

for the podcast you're dressed as right I forgot this was an audio medium and I put on you're cosplaying as yourself I have seen you

every now and then in your civilian clothes not to pull back the curtain too much and when you turned up at my front door I was like this guy's done his research

he's seen that we put a photo online after the interview. You better believe I have. He knows he's going to be on camera at some point. Because you've got your Graham Garden set up here with the full suit and whatever. But then when you're in your offstage civvies, it's more like you're more likely to have like a Tweety Bird t-shirt or something. Like it's quite a big difference between the onstage and offstage. Stubbies, little Hawaiian shoes.

Yeah, exactly. Socks and sandals. I love a hoodie. I'll be honest, I hate wearing a suit. Okay. Whoa! I hate wearing... Why did you choose it as the character Ray O'Leary?

It's just someone told me, like, I suited wearing the suit when I did comedy. You do. And also, it's just like, it's something you can put on. I think it's just because your other clothes are so shit-ass. But wait, hang on. We're asking what made you... This is also not a particularly good-looking suit. Oh, okay.

This is the best thing I own. We're asking what made you decide to wear the suit as part of the character, and you said that someone told you that when you did comedy, you suited the suit. Yeah. So what, they'd seen you do it already in the suit? Yes, I did. So what led you to wear the suit that one time?

This is, you guys probably have heard about the suit. He was led you to wear the suit that one time all right um this is oh you guys probably have heard it was funny in court once not guilty to these child molestation charges that's very funny right take this on the road jury's loving it the court sketch artist is killing it over there he's. Yeah. I don't know if I've heard this story. No, yeah, the court log was just filled with ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, yeah. Great. The – it was – you guys probably haven't heard of the – you guys probably do recognise the name of this event. It was called the Wellington Comedy Awards.

Well, I haven't heard of it, but I can figure out what's going on. Yeah. And so, yeah, it was the small comedy scene I started in back in New Zealand in Wellington, the capital, and we had comedy awards at the end of the year. Do you remember your first ever joke live? Because I'm not a stand-up, so I don't know. Do you remember your first ever stand-up joke? Yeah, yes.

The first ever set I ever did, the first proper set I did was about incest. Right, well, you know. Playing to the home crowd. So, no, do you remember? Can you home crowd So, now would you remember Can you give us a taste Of the inside I'm trying to remember

What was the opening line Was something like You know when you suck off dad Yes Yes, your honour It was something like I walked out on stage I said like I know what on stage and I said,

I know what you're thinking. His parents are cousins. That's good. That is when you judge a raw comedy, hey, it's amazing how many people when they start comedy, their first instinct for a joke is rooting someone in the family. You see out of 15 contestants, you'll see minimum six incest jokes. People for some reason just love it when they start comedy.

I love to see a, oh, my first time, this is my first time doing comedy, and it's actually a lot like my first time having sex. You better believe it. That is, what am I? Like my first time having sex with mum. Dad's here. That's right. See?

Dad's here, front row, loving it. And that's what gets you best joke at the Wellington Comedy Club. That's fine See Dad's in your front row Loving it That's fine It's all good stuff And that's what gets you Best joke at the Wellington party So you have to get up In the suit to award Best

Have sex with dad joke Right It was a competitive field And I took it home We should do our own awards That are the hackies And we just End of every year

We give out an award For best take On a fucking hack concept The amount The amount of times That we got mess an award for best take on a fucking hat concept the amount of times that we got messaged over the last comedy festival that they're like we just saw someone

doing the Harold Holt has a pool named after him joke we heard that a lot were they local? sorry? were they a local doing it or was it someone from overseas? it was someone from interstate

I believe yeah it's hardcore yeah that's good gear how have they not heard it? I don't know I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

I mean, that's the point. That's why we keep bringing it up. That's right. Yeah. So what was it? So then, but you still haven't, but you weren't dressed, because I've seen pictures of you online, articles about your comedy where you're not in the suit. That's true.

I wasn't born in the suit. That's true. He's got his birthday suit. There was a time where I didn't wear it. So then what happened? There was a time this morning where you weren't wearing it. Yeah, that's suit. That's true. He's got his birthday suit. There was a time where I didn't wear it. So then what happened? There was a time this morning where you weren't wearing it. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Yeah. Oh, and so, yeah. And so this particular awards, they used to get newbies on the comedy scene to do, like, sets to, I guess, entertain people and, I don't know, pad out time for the show. Oh, at the awards. At the awards.

At a place that they honour the best in comedy. They would put the worst in comedy to start with. They would put Emmys on for just industry, so tough crowd as well. The worst crowd. Oh, man. Yeah, and I dressed up for it. And then one guy who doesn't even do comedy anymore

told me I suited wearing a suit, and so I just kept doing it. That stuck with you. Yeah, well, a part of it was like, I was just like, well, now I don't ever have to think about what I'm going to wear on stage ever again. That's true. And that's such a...

Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs, exactly. What were you called then? Well, I was called Ray O'Leary. I remember my... So when did the lies begin? Because that's not your real... Of course, that can't be your real name.

That's such a fantastic stage name. That's such a perfect name. There's no way two parents from Wangadoo in New Zealand could have come up with that. Yes, that's right. There's no way a brother from Wangadoo in New Zealand could have come up with that. Yes, that's right. There's no way a brother and sister could have come up with a name that good. I mean, how did you get that name? You are the Engelbert Humperdinck of New Zealand comedy.

Like, that's not your real name. It was because I was at university and they started to notice I sounded like Ray Romano. Wow! And so they started calling me Ray and that stuck're stuck do you do i say stage name is a reference to another comedian that's awesome much more successful you sound like bill cosby so a lot your whole career yeah is thanks to you being very easily led by others yeah i will do anything that's i mean tommy just messaged me and now i'm here so you know i will just do whatever is thanks to you being very easily led by others. I will do anything.

Tommy just messaged me and now I'm here. So I will just do whatever people say. I love that. So then it stuck. So the name came before the suit. The name came before the suit, yeah. Has anyone else ever said that you sound like Ray Romano? Now that you say it, I don't mind it. You know, my brother's tall, Debra.

Because Romano would never be caught dead in a suit. You know, he's more of like a... A schlubby. He's an ivory man. Yeah, exactly. He's an ivory man. Not me. I'm out of touch.

You know, ivory tower. Yeah, you should... So, have you got any plans to do a comedy festival show titled Everybody Loves Ray? I've thought about it. O'Leary? That's good. Everybody Loves Ray. Dot, dot, dot. O'Leary? That's good. Everybody loves Ray dot dot dot O'Leary.

That's funny. That's such a weird thing to put in pause. Yeah. I like that. Someone trying to buy tickets. Can I get tickets to that show, Everybody Loves Ray O'Leary? They're like, we don't have that in the system. Say the dots.

You didn't do the pause. I'm just looking it up without the dots and there's nothing in here. There's someone else who's got the show Everybody Loves Ray O'Leary straight off the bat. Maybe it's the Everybody Loves Ray O'Leary dining experience. Oh, yes. That's what I'll be doing at the comedy festival. The faulty tower. Yeah, exactly right.

Okay, and then it was fully formed, and then you were fully formed. So when I started doing stand-up. I was completely out of the egg. When I started doing stand-up, I was worried I'd be bad at it. I knew enough about comedy that I was you completely out of the egg When I started doing stand up I was worried I'd be bad at it I knew enough about comedy That I was like there's a good chance I'm not going to be good And I'm not going to be good for a very long time And so I didn't want my friends and stuff

Showing up to these gigs And so I was like I need a stage name And then I was like Nobody would think I'd go under my nickname That's amazing And did it ever happen that people just happened to rock up and saw you that were your friends no oh no never no never no hang on only once i was ready to tell people i was doing comedy to people how long was this how long was this it's a big scene in wellington like you

can't just stumble into a comedy club in wellington so you thought if you do gigs under the name that all your friends call you your friends won won't know that it's you. At that point, going by your real name would have been the thing that threw them off. They haven't called you that in like a decade. So how long was the ruse? And let's be clear, you didn't change your surname. I didn't change my surname.

Or your face. Or your face on the poster. You can wear a suit though. And I don't know about you, but my friends, they were constantly scouring the open mic Side by side Constantly trying to figure out

For signs of you Every chalkboard they see They were reading it So hang on a sec So how long did the ruse go for? Three months Wow Because yeah

Three months And then I did What I didn't realise Was But it was like The first non-open mic I was given But it was a bringer gig

And Or they were told I think they were told That means you've got to bring your friends along because the booker can't get an audience

themselves what a great system we don't really do it here they do it in New York and Wellington apparently the two big apples

yeah the small kiwi fruit yeah so how many people do you have to bring along I can't I forget four along? I can't. I forget.

Four, six. I can't remember. The people you were asking were like, who the fuck are you, Ray? I'm not going to say this guy Ray O'Leary. Perfect. I've never met him. What is this, a real estate conference? I've come to that.

I've never met someone not in civvies before. Who the fuck is this guy? Weird stuff, man. A weird guy. Put on your hoodie. Call yourself Matthew. Who the hell do you think you are? Oh, you gave it away?

No, we've already done it. We've done it on the telly once. Yeah, I have done it on the telly once. Yeah, because that's how I knew because I was incensed. Doxing himself. Yeah, and I've already been doxed. It's on Wikipedia. Right.

Oh, wow. So your friends come along to this bring it gig? Yes, I think they would ask the new people to bring people along. Right, yes. And so at the time I was green other there's no other bringer gigs in new zealand so i didn't know that it was like a weird thing to do whatever i was just like oh yeah that seems normal so i made my friends pay to see me do comedy for the first time but generally your friends do want to see you when like at the start like when i first started people like oh we

want to see this whether it's good or bad yeah but then once you get good they go this sucks this is yeah they don't come anymore you're doing the same stuff every time most of the rest of the gig is really bad and they're like why do you keep yelling at the audience we don't want to come anymore yeah well don't come then because we're the fuck off and you're calling us cunts yeah um but right this is the thing right you're uh so you just had this like massively successful uh comedy festival run You're on the TV a bit. You've got to start changing these stories, man, because now these people, they're going to come for you. They're going to want a slice of the Ray O'Leary pie.

They're going to be like, I came up with the nickname. I gave him the advice of the suit. These people are going to... The vultures are circling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's... Yes, you're right. It's like, is it the person who drew the Kiss or the ACDC logo?

I can't remember. It's one of the two. So there's something about how they just did it on the back of a napkin and now they've sold two zillion T-shirts. Right. Yeah, like the guy who did the big lips and the tongue for Rolling Stones. Maybe that's what I mean. I think they paid them about £100 or something.

Yes, I think that's it. Yes, there you go. That's the one I meant. Yes. Thanks, mate. And now they're suing. No, they couldn't. Yes, there you go. That's the one I meant. Yes. Thanks, mate. And now they're suing... No, they couldn't... No, no, no.

Mick Jagger's much more... Yeah, they're very, very savvy. Yeah, they've never paid them. They've even done that thing where there'll be an article where they go, oh, isn't it funny how you only paid them 100 pounds back in 1962? And they go, not really. The end. Well, yeah, Ray, the star is on the rise at the moment and uh this is big this

i mean this was big breaking news for me during the comedy festival ray o'leary as of uh the final night of the comedy festival my dad's new favorite comedian wow yeah i snuck my parents into your show i mean they paid but no they went like it was sold out and they got in and paid cash. Oh, thank you, Mr and Mrs Desolo. Yeah, you're welcome. The New Zealand tax office isn't getting any cut. But yeah, Dad was... Who was their previous favourite? Oh, great question.

Great question. Think about it. Edit it. Yeah. No, I know. It's not someone in the world of this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was there anyone else? Rodney Rood. What does that mean? Well, Dahi mean? I was looking at some Rodney Rood track listings recently. Yeah. And the one for Pig's Ass and Live.

This is when you're playing tracks live on Breakfast Radio. Just go and have a nap. Give you a few requests. I've had some thoughts. But there's a great one where he's a he was ahead of his time and pigs ass for the tour just see if i've got it written down here um because the last track on i think it's pigs ass or it might be the one after that and this is in the 80s do i look like i give a fuck is that is that no that's kevin bloody wilson dilly dilly gaff dilly come on mate

so learn history sorry so the last i think it's the early night late 80s early 90s the last track No, that's Kevin Bloody Wilson. Dilly Gaff. Come on, mate. Learn history. Sorry. So I think it's the late 80s, early 90s. The last track on the album is, and I quote, why won't Rolf Harris just fuck off and die? He's ahead of his time. How's that not come back around? Isn't that amazing? Why aren't the kids getting that one listing up on TikTok? Rolf Harris just fuck off and die.

That is a lost art the um of comedy like that doesn't really exist anymore they're like having to sit down and come up with the names for the tracks oh that's interesting yes because it's going to be different to just what you write on your set list to remember yourself like you can't just how do you remember to be in your heads when you're going through your other in your heads how are they uh categorized they when i when you do a set list, I think you have to, well, at least with me, you write a word that's not the punchline

because it's very easy to go, say the punchline is duck sandwich. Then you go, oh, okay, I haven't done duck sandwich yet. Duck sandwich. Oh, fuck, I already said it. Like Jeopardy. It's like a Jeopardy game. I mean, that's really only a problem for anyone

who has no internal monologue that is speaking their thoughts out loud about the set list into the microphone. Duck sandwich. All right, done that bit. All right. Yeah. But, yeah, my dad could not be more full of praise for Ray O'Leary. And you know what?

I think a lot of it was the suit. I was going to say, big fan of menswear, your dad. Big fan of menswear. And he weirdly, the show was on, it would have been the final Saturday. They did come towards the end. They came towards the end, the final Saturday. And my dad was in a suit. So it did look like he was kind of like cosplaying.

People do that, don't they? They do. I've heard that a few times. Yeah, I've seen that. Just like the Taylor Swift concerts. That's exactly like that. Your't they? They do. I've had that a few times. Yeah, I've seen that. Just like the Taylor Swift concerts. That's exactly like that. Your dad was the Nick Cody. He's a Taylor Swift concert.

He's a leery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People swapping paisley ties in the crowd. Errors tour. So have you thought about, because I was thinking about merch for you, right? And I was thinking, okay, well, the two gimmies are a curly wig with glasses attached. I can crouch over. That's merch.

What about this? What about this? Just the glasses. Call them Ray Bans. Yes. Very good. Yes. Very good.

I badgered my two, but that's okay. And then a t-shirt with the suit, the tie. Oh, that's good. Printed on it. Yeah, that's good. Oh, that's genius. Pretty hot story. Yes, because I've always thought you can't just sell a full suit.

No, isn't that funny? Find a T-shirt with it on it. No, that's smart. 70s sort of Fonzie style. Sitting there in a suit and going, I've always thought you can't just sell a full suit. Well, someone did once. I've got evidence of that.

You know I'm nervous about the suit. We have this conversation a lot, don't we, about suit maintenance, how many you have. Yeah. Because you're two, correct? It's currently at two, and the second one's not in a good way. But I was thinking, when you go to- Why are you wasting the good one on a podcast? Turning up to Chandler's gig, and he's like, oh, he's wearing the fucking B suit.

Is that all I am to you he's strung out new hey you know that you know you go to the podcast festival I'm very aware of that which is my favourite thing in the whole world

that you guys go and do that I was thinking I love by the way so that is happening this is the next episode that comes out will be live from the Coastal Million

International Podcast Festival and I do love that every time online or even in real life it comes up you are always the first person to go oh my god

you're going there again you're my hero I'm so jealous this is amazing this is amazing I can't believe your life whatever it's always coming for you

which is you have a gig on the most successful comedy show on TV you have breakfast radio job you're married to a fucking gladiator whose job is to keep herself as hot as possible all the time

and I'm your hero yes aim your fucking... Yes, you are. Aim higher. And if I had one note, you don't post enough photos. I want to see meals, coffees. I booked it in for this date like a month ago,

knowing that it was right before we left, because I was like, Ed's going to want to be the last person we see. Of course. Guys, I'm like heroes. So, you know, I'm up for anything. Like, you know, sometimes you'll post, like you'll talk, you'll tell whenever we do this, our yearly event, and I'll say, I need to know how much the meal was.

Like take pictures of menus. Like you're not, you're wasting. You could be a travel influencer. You're wasting it. I appreciate all of this. You're wasting it. Because you're the same as me. This is what, there's currently one of our listeners is in Samui right now,

and I'm doing this every day going, where's the pictures cut? Yes. Where's the pictures of the menu? Where's this? Where's that? Breakfast. I just sort of think not everyone wants that. They do.

But you know what we're doing this year? We're bringing over someone to document the whole thing. Someone's coming over, like a YouTuber, is coming over to film the whole, everything. Yeah, but don't let them Do the YouTube thing Where they They Like because YouTube's

Become homogenised In what they think Because it obviously Gets what gets views Right Right So they'll go for like Semi drone shots of sunsets

Yes Intercut with people No fuck you I want to see a man Just flipping a menu Yes And so do I Honestly

I love it I want to see what The treadmills look like. The treadmills? The treadmills. You mean the hotel gyms? Yeah. They're always just that limited version. They're always like-

I'm desperate to see what hotel gym look like. Can you do it for me this time? I will. I absolutely will. All right, because I DM you every time. You'll get full menus, don't worry. I love the fucking menus. Yeah.

Although that's the one thing I sort of, that's very sad about post-COVID world. They've trimmed the Thailand restaurant menus back of, that's very sad about post-COVID world. They've trimmed the Thailand restaurant menus back from about 80 pages to probably about 35. Oh no. So, yeah.

Those world cafes, you know, I love places that do Mee Goreng and they do burgers and they do Indian food. Yes, yes, yes. And do you do sushi?

Yeah, we could do that. A side of garlic bread with your crab, crab, crab pacao. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely Yeah, we can do that. A side of garlic bread with your crab pacao. Absolutely, I'm all in that. I love the picture ones though, because there's like 80 pages.

It's like cheese sandwich, then cheese sandwich with mayo. It's like, I don't think you needed a second picture. Yes, you do. What about the joints that go all out and build plastic versions of the food? Oh, that's what? Yeah, like their own little, what are they called and build plastic versions of the food? Oh, that's rad. Yeah, like their own little, what are they called,

like modular worlds of the food. Well, Japan, they love that. Japan, there's like a whole area of Tokyo where they just make the little plastic foods that they have out in front of restaurants. It's more of a Japanese thing, isn't it? But why do you... Also, I DM'd you as well, didn't I, when you were in Tokyo?

Because you said he was at a vintage game shop. Yeah. And Daslo and I share a love of Super Nintendo. And there are some that I really need. And it was like months ago. It was like you wasn't... I asked you, are you there now? Can I have this, please?

And you was like, oh, no. You said I was there like three weeks ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. I posted a thing after I got back. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's not how it works. I'll be back.

Don't you worry about that. Good. Anyway, right? What did you want from there? Well, if you need your green curry brought back, hit me up and I'll answer. It's fine. It's funny, though, with the plastic foods thing out the front of the restaurants, as if that's like a, oh, hey, this is what it looks like inside.

But then you find out that they're all just coming from the one shop, right? So it's like... But that's very Thai restaurant. It's like Google. It's just a Google image of curry. It's not like their exact one no exactly because you look at this

and you look at the pictures and you go this wasn't all made at the same photo shoot that's got a different background there that's a pixelated garlic bread

you know what you should do while we're there you should try pitch yourself in your graphic design background find a place where the menu just like aesthetically

looks like shit and you go guys pro bono I'm redoing the whole menu let me in the kitchen. I'll get some photos. I'm going to knock up the most snazzy looking fucking thing you've ever seen. This is good material.

Are you a chance to do it? That is good material. So I'm going to waste my holiday designing a new menu, and that's going to be good for the podcast. At night, motherfucker, at night. Yes. What the fuck? It's like reverse Like they bootleg

Yeah exactly Movie covers and stuff And posters from the west And then we come over there And we bootleg One of their movies Well what about this Here's a couple little updates

For the festival So the festival's about to To start I'm up at night Doing fucking admin all night Getting this shit together Here's the latest on it Right

So I had to pay Most of the rest So I've paid the big deposit For the hotel for the resort because we booked out an entire resort the entire resort is ours

I know now I've paid most of the rest of the I paid the deposit early on paid the rest of it now because of the gap they wanted me to pay

everything up front and I said no no no I'm not doing that so then I paid the rest of it now because the Aussie dollar is now stronger yes we've just saved ourselves $500.

Not bad. That is now 250 beers approximately. We've just made ourselves a little delay. Very well played. I did the maths. I said to someone the other day who I'm going first to Singapore with and was like, oh, yeah, when we get in, get some 7-Eleven beers. And I didn't put the dash in the name of 7-Eleven

and they thought I was saying drink 711 beers. And so then I went and did the maths of like... And you were sitting next to Brett Blake and he said, why so low? I did the maths on how many of us in this crew, how long we're there for, how many... And it worked out as like, I think like 18. If we each drink 18 beers a day, we'll hit 7.11 for the trip.

That could happen. That's doable. That's doable. If you live every day over there like you're at the Meredith Music Festival, get started at 11 a.m., go until 4 a.m., it's doable. It's 40 degrees over there. Yeah, it's very doable. There's a bit of water in beer.

Exactly. It's keeping you hydrated. It doesn't really, but yes. Okay, sure. It's the opposite of that, I believe, but yes. So the other update is this. So because the venue, the resort, the wonderful people there at the Stay Chewing that are putting us up, very generously taking all this money midweek

and fucking absolutely going to make a killing at the bar, they haven't – it's been interesting dealing with Thai people in business. They're not probably the most efficient people of all time. Right now, I thought you might say that. Cavaliers, of course. Oh, yes. A Thai last name. I need to hear more about this by the end of this.

My Thai relatives would beg to differ, my friend. We always forget this. You need to start dropping ed's name when you yes when you're doing these dealings over in thailand for the few people that don't know me over there i'll drop ed's name instead being being friends with ed over here is getting us no showbiz opportunities maybe in thailand it'll get us an entree yeah it'll get us a redesigning a menu with man i'm one of my aunties, she was the person in charge or one of the people in charge of the Sky Rail in Bangkok.

Right. So can get things done, auntie. Hell yeah. One of the aunties. Anyway, they are an interesting group of cats. Like who from your family is over there? There's various uncles and aunties and sort of, you know,

semi, half siblings, etc, etc. So they're all, and that quotient's over there. And then the other lot, the Chinese ones, but they're all here. All the Chinese people on the other side's Chinese, so they're all here, basically. Or then some back in the old country. And then, yeah, and then that's, and then that's just the white

people. Oh, the Americans, Some of the Americans are in Sydney. And then the Vietnamese bloke is in Melbourne and some of them are in Vietnam. We get it. You're a diversity hulk. Yeah, you're right. Because I keep telling people, you want Asians.

I'm all of them. I'm starting to see why Ray's on Have You Been Paying Attention. He's the only white guy. We need some white people. We need some genuine whitey. Some incest whitey. They're incredibly white. What about that for a festival name?

Ray O'Leary, incest white. That's funny because you're noting all of your family. It's like some from this country, some from this country. Ray just gets to go, oh my uncle who's my dad, my auntie who's my mum, my auntie, who's my mum. My mum who's on my dad's side. Now, enough about me.

I'm here to learn more about Ray O'Leary. Oh, sorry, can I just give the other update about this? So the resort, they've made some admin errors and they haven't given us the right amount of rooms. This one guy's, I don't know what the fuck he's thinking, but anyway. So we've sold all the rooms, but now what we have available, we are in a very unique position that we've never been in before, a very Qantas-like position. We are now able to give upgrades.

People have bought the rooms, but we have upgraded, we have the possibility to give upgrades. We get people to bid on them? Yeah. I'm getting those emails from Qantas every day, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how are we going to decide this? Well, that's what I'm saying. So do we go- This is really fun. How many do we have?

We can- I think there's a good handful. I think there's maybe three or four. So- I need- So four. Let's say four. Let's say four.

So we can- I like the idea. Do we run a competition? Yes. Do we- Two and two. Like, do we do the thing where it's like, you know, the old school competition where you write in and say,

we like the... I love the little dum-dum because in 25 words or less... Do we do one of them? Oh, colouring contest. Why don't you do two and two? So if you go for two of them, do that. In 25 words or less or whatever it is,

say why you love the dum-dum club, right? And then for the other two, I think Daslo's right. Have a bidding process, but the money goes into a pool for like a mad group. Yeah. Like I said, last night I got the Qantas bid on the upgrade. And you see that and it's like, these cunts.

That seat's just going to be empty. They're making it sound like it's some great deal and these cunts fucking just monetize empty space. It's disgusting. But it's a point. 24 hours later, I'm on the other side to be like,

let's get them to bid for it. Just immediately once you have the opportunity to do it, dollar signs in your eyes like, yeah, why wouldn't we

make these people? I already told you we just made 500 bucks out of nowhere. You're like, how much money, more money can we get out of these cunts?

What about a secret sound? A secret sound? No no no we've got to remember this is what I do all morning so if there's many things in this room we could make something make a sound on the podcast now and one of those people wins an upgrade I thought you meant when we're

at the resort we have a secret sound you know the like the thing that can come in the rooms and like tell you if you've got all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's funny. Every morning. Guys, now, we'll give you half an hour to think about it and then meet outside.

What's that sound? Is it some sort of an alarm? Yeah, yeah, this is a part of the game. That's a tsunami warning, guys. Everyone get out of the hotel right now. Get to the roof. Get to the roof. Is that where our prizes are?

You're looking around for something in this cave of child's toys. I can now think of nothing else. Could be used as a secret. It's not like you're going to

talk amongst yourselves. No, it's not. No, no, no. Don't say what they are. Mario. No, no, no. Shut up. Mario clonking

on the top of Wario was that. So you keep talking amongst yourselves. I'm going to find something. Are you going to bring the guy that you had from Comedy Festival

during a sit? Yes. Is he coming? Yes. He's coming? Yes. What was his name? Abhishek. Abhishek. Abhishek Mishra.

Yeah, he's coming. Yes, because you did Dumb Dumb before my show every Sunday or whenever it was. Saturday afternoon. Every Saturday, yes. And so I got to hang out in the green room with him many times. Yes. And he once there was

so there was some shortbread that an audience that an audience member had left and it was clearly wrapped up yes and he picked it up

and said this stuff is delicious and I was like it's clearly not been opened he was like you've got to try some of this that's right that's right

he came up to you and he goes you've got to try this and it hadn't been opened and then you ate some of it and it was stale stale shortbread it was so you and he goes, you've got to try this. And it hadn't been opened. And then you ate some of it and it was stale. He gave me stale shortbread. It was so weird.

And he uses a lot of that judgment in his stand-up comedy. Yeah, I'd forgotten that, that you were in the green room having to listen to us do our rot every week for four weeks, getting progressively more and more deranged. Well, normally i was distracted by stale shortbread hacking out my yeah yeah yeah what about this while um ed is still rooting around doing his little audio research um right is this true do you have to make the sounds yourself on the radio is that what's going on yeah is this true?

This has recently changed, maybe. Do you eat the same meal every day? Oh, I did used to. Right. Who told you that? Fuck yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. Because I do too.

So do I. I used to. But I eat the same meal, the same three meals every day. Do you really? Yeah, fuck yeah. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yeah.

Hang on. All right, all you. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hang on. All right, all right. Let's get to... Oh, you've given it away again. You can't be... Jesus Christ. We'll just cut that bit out. Cut that bit out.

Surely... That's going to be so good. No, we'll bleep it. We'll bleep what he says and then that can be the secret sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here is the secret sound. Okay.

More time? Okay. All right. All right. There's that really good secret sound. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Is that what you do on the radio?

You have to like find just what's in Husey's pockets that could make a scene? How much money is in Husey's pocket right now? That would be a good one. I used to do this thing every now and again where I would just out of, because I was bored, I would just say, who wants to win what's in Husey's wallet?

And I would start going to phone and I would just give away and whoever could guess how much was in the wallet got the money. Oh, so you've actually done this before? I used to do it all the time. And just for my own amusement, we'd be talking about i go you forget we do this once a week these guys are doing it every day so anything we're like oh i bet you'd do this wouldn't you it's like yeah yeah yeah we've gone to that point people get really serious they go

like he'd go all right all right and then producers are losing their minds and then he'd get the wallet out. What kind of wallets he got? It's like this little leather. When he's lost, he loses it all the time. But at the moment, it's this little leathery normal one. And then he'll go, oh, okay. And it's like Price is Right. One day a woman won $1,262.

What? Hell yeah. Jesus. $1,262. In cold hard yeah. Jesus. $1,262. In cold hard cash that was in Husey's wallet. There's no way she's getting the money from Husey. Yeah. That's coming from the budget.

No, no, no. What? He emptied the wallet and put it in his envelope. It was incredible. She drops by the studio. She was like that. She was like, no way. And he's like, yeah, you can have this.

And he just empties it out of his actual wallet. Yeah, and the producer came over and took it all, because she had to count it. And then I was like, oh, great. And then I remember him, he goes, hang on a second, I think I fucking lost money on this job today. I'd love if this is full circle and Carl's doing the maths. He's like, hang on, that's what I pay him to headline.

It must have been the day after a gig for me. I was going to say, there are a lot of very well-off comedians In Australian comedy Where I've gone to pay them And they've gone Hey, I'm loaded I don't need this I'll tell you what

David Hughes is not one of them Because he always says He's like, no Because, you know It means people get paid for spots And da-da-da-da-da No, absolutely I'm fine with that

Yeah, yeah But he's a very generous guy So No, let's go Ed first Oh, no. You eat the same meal every day. What's the meal? So I would just eat food.

I would eat the pill. I hate eating. I can't be arsed. I just find it just tiresome. But no, I want to eat. No, fuck me. You want to see photos of the menus, but you're not interested in eating the food. Yeah.

Okay, that makes sense. That's exactly right. So, Ray, go on. What is it? I thought the book was better than the movie. Go on, Ray. What do you eat? What is it?

Because you're a vegan. Yeah. Do you have your breakfast with blueberries? That's night. That's night? Yeah, come on. I want the Ray O'Leary. Do you know what he is?

Well, we've narrowed it down to one component of one of the meals is blueberries. Yeah, that's right. Give us the frozen blueberries. Give us the Ray O'Leary. What's the Ray O'Leary? So it was every evening. I used to have a meal called a bean korma. And I made it.

And there were three ingredients. And it was baked beans. Bean korma. So what is it now? Now I get a lot of Uber Eats. I've actually been thinking. No, no, it was a little joke because it's been a coma. Oh, sure.

It was a coma. Yeah. So you wouldn't hear that at the Wellington Comedy Awards. If I had the suit on now, that would be killing. That's why that one shouldn't have been put out as being a coma in the set list. Wow. That's a great test. Jokes without a suit and then jokes with a suit.

That's a great test. It's without a suit and then jokes with a suit. It's a great test. It's like when I don't do blackface. Thankfully, he's never. All right, so a bean korma. You'd make your own bean korma. Yeah, bean korma, yeah. So baked beans. Baked beans, frozen mixed vegetables,

heated up in the microwave, and rice. Okay. Which one? It was normally white rice, but then towards the end, I sort of just scrapped the rice component entirely and just had baked beans and mixed vegetables. How many years did this go for? And sometimes I'd call it a bean.

What was the other name for it? I'd add avocado for it, which I thought would have a tangy taste. No. Yeah, yeah. That had a different name. It wasn't bean kebab or something else. And always the same beans? Yeah, baked beans.

Yeah, I used to get. Which brand? I used to get budget. I used to get the cheapest. This was back like, you know, uni days and things like that. So every night. And this is back when Matthew O'Leary used to buy those beans. Matthew O'Leary.

Ray O'Leary. Once he got crowned Ray, he was like, I've earned an avocado. So, and now years yeah years years I did it for good lord why again it's a thing of

I don't want to think about what I'm going to have to have for dinner I don't have to what if you were out I wouldn't order bean curd would you order that

would you go back into the kitchen at McDonald's and go fuck have you got any beans or korma back here where do you want to go back into the kitchen at McDonald's and go, fuck, have you got any beans or korma back here? Where do you want to go for dinner? The supermarket?

Pouring through the Thailand menu looking for the photo of bean korma. There's 80 pages and there's still no bean korma. They used to have it, but now they've cut it down to 35 pages. They had to axe the bean korma. And what caused its demise? When did you finally go, fuck, nah? I think I'm trying to think what happened. I mean, Uber didn't help being able to afford uber eats and i'd say maybe a doctor waiting at some point well i've told this story before i was at uni and in sydney and we were

living in newtown in a thousand bedroom house and one of my housemates was feeling sick and he went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had trench mouth which is a disease from world war one oh my god to get the book out you know the big book graze you know that one because it's a menu of medicine yeah that's right all he had all he ate for months was tuna pasta which was tuna red pasta sauce and part and uh fusilli yeah that's all yeah he would make a big batch and just eat it and he had so little variety in his diet and the tomatoes were so acidic that he got trench mouth. Which basically, so what does that do? That's like...

It's so many ulcers in your mouth that you can barely... Jesus. Yeah, it was amazing. I love that. That's famously comedian Chris Franklin

got scurvy and this doctor was like, no one has had this in like centuries. Trench mouth scurvy. Got TB. This is up there with Elliot Goblet coming in with a The doctor was like, no one has had this in like centuries. Yeah. You've got TB. This is up there with Elliot Goblet coming in with a Tyrannosaurus Rex bite on his arm. We haven't had this for ages.

Oh, you've got caveman AIDS. I haven't heard about that in a long time. They phased that out. They phased that out So what was the What led to you You know Not doing this anymore I can't remember what phased it out Common sense

It was like I made it For years Did it travel to Australia this meal? No So you've never had it in Australia I have not had it in Australia But that's what I was going to say Is that

No I raised it with my doctor at the time, being like, I eat this all the time. And maybe I wasn't clear enough about how often I was having the Ben Cormor. But the doctor was just like, oh, no, baked beans are good for you. Vegetables are good for you. Problem solved. Yeah, problem solved. The fact that you've got dysentery, that doesn't matter. Well, you joked before, but the Ray O'Leary dining experience.

I mean, everyone's getting a bean korma, and it's cheap for you, like cheap overheads, just a few bags of frozen veggies and some cheap baked beans and rice. I've never been to the Fawlty Towers Diner experience, but all I'd have to do is just sort of make your beans and rice and whatnot, and then what, hit a Colombian guy every now and then? Yes. Oh, yeah, yes.

Yeah. No, Barcelona. Bring the food out and like trip over as you do it. Where's Ivan from? Is he Venezuelan? Oh, he's... Yes. There you go.

Get Ivan. Get him in. Bit of fun. This thing writes itself. It writes itself. They're not going to sue us. Fucking Ray O'Leary and what

and because I remember I would always quiz you about your living arrangements yes yes yes so you lived in a shithole I did yes and now

I tell you what that shithole you meant in Australia when you first moved to New Zealand no my last place in New Zealand oh you're a shithole yeah my flatmate

my old flatmate still lives there. Shithole? Yeah, and he is now looking for his fourth flatmate in a year. So I moved out, then he got someone, they moved out, they got someone else, they moved out, and now he's looking for another person. Was he forcing them to eat bean combs every night? Put on this wig.

That is good. If you live in a shithole and you just have a constant cycle of people coming in and out, you get to go, well, it's the house.

It's nothing to do with my personality and living with me. That's it. All of a sudden, we realise why he's eating bean korma every night but not in Australia.

Like, it's just his housemate that's forcing whoever lives in this room to eat bean korma. That's fantastic. It's like a saw. You change your radiator eating the same meal every night. Misery.

And how's your living arrangement here? It's better. Okay. It's better. Yeah, no, it's much more spacious. It's nicer. Spacious. You get Nuba Eats delivered, you were saying.

Yeah, you can get Uber Eats delivered. But I do think I need a bean korma. I think it is a healthy meal. I'm thinking I need to go back to it. It's crazy. So you've never done it since moving to Australia. You've left it completely behind in New Zealand. I'm a new man

but I mean, you know, phone and guys, you know, if you think I should go back to the B Corp I'll get you an upgrade at a Thai hotel.

Are you one of these guys that's like been, you know, kidnapped by, you know, someone and stuck in the basement for five years

and you're gone? Stop home. Yeah, it wasn't too bad after all. I might go back and visit the basement. Stop home. I thought you meant

like proving the hostages alive by getting them to tell us something that only they would know. How do you make the bean korma? Baked beans,

mixed veggies, rice. Oh, okay. It's definitely right. They haven't killed them and they're just faking us. They didn't mention

spices. They didn't mention any other ingredient. Yeah, you've got to treat yourself. See how the Australian produce goes with the bean korma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember the first time I switched from the budget baked beans to Heinz and being like, these are too nice for me. Yeah, really. These beans are too fancy. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. This is too good for me.

This is too good. They had a taste to them, you know, smoky. Yeah, you got the slated ones, yeah. Yeah, Heinz. Heinz, they got up to the top for a them, you know, smoky. Yeah, you got the slated ones, yeah. Yeah, Heinz. Heinz, they got up to the top for a reason, you know. Slopping it in. I just bombed at the Wellington Comedy Awards. I love how the good people at Homebrain couldn't afford smoke.

That's so great. Yeah, I want to try this. I'm keen to try this. Do you know that the New Zealand Comedy Festival is sponsored by mayonnaise, by Biz Foods? Yeah, I did know that. I love seeing that pop up. Yeah, it's like the mayonnaise festivals with some comedy. No.

What am I thinking? Biz Foods. What's the main prize called? The Billy T Award, which is named after an old comedian called Billy T James, who the general New Zealand public loves, but if you look up his material, it has not aged very well. And then the second guy is

the second award is called the Frid Award, which is Frid Dagg, which is John Clark. You guys know John Clark. He's incredible. So that's interesting. So they haven't renamed it like the mayonnaise cup. I'm sure that the mayonnaise cup I'm sure the mayonnaise cup

yeah they should my cup runneth over it's called the Billy T named after someone whose gear hasn't aged very well our main award

was named after Barry Humphries and Dave Medner the original man in dress and they didn't come up with a like you know

there was the same thing in Edinburgh people were like oh Perrier we can't call it that anymore but like because that water didn't age very with a like you know there was the same thing in Edinburgh people were like oh Perrier we can't call it that anymore but like they didn't try

because that water didn't age very well so they had to get rid of that they didn't try and come up with like another you know

it's now just like the best show award it would have been great if they had gone straight to anyway it's now called the Chris Lilly like oh okay

this will buy us 12 months it doesn't have to be a guy but if they were like oh it's the mayonnaise award you'd be like, fuck yeah,

now I really want to win this award. I want to say I've got a mayo. Yeah. People already say this comedy is too full of white men. Let's name it after mayonnaise. Yeah, exactly. The white man of food. Well, speaking of New Zealand show business,

Ray, you were telling me off the air just before Carl got here that, did you know this, Carl? Over in New Zealand, speaking of New Zealand TV and whatnot, the news has been cancelled. What? The news got axed. What? The news was cancelled.

Yeah, the news was... Hang on, hang on, hang on. Did they say too many offensive things on the news and they got cancelled? Yeah, they went back to some of its old episodes. They haven't aged very well. Someone did the weather in Blackface, and the news got cancelled. Hang on, hang on.

So what? They're just going, nah, we're not having news now. The news is, yeah. People already say not much happens in New Zealand. Is that why? They just actually ran out of stuff? They just actually ran out of things to talk about. The news has been, like the media, you know,

TV's not in a good way. The news has been cancelled. TV3, the other main, like we have two networks in New Zealand and TV3 is like we can't afford the news. We can't. If anything, there's too much going on. There's too much to cover. So is there a bit of a, guys, you know, we don't have the news anymore

so just don't do anything, okay? Just don't do anything. Keep it under wraps. Just keep it under wraps. What's less expensive than the news? How can you make a show cheaper than the news? Because you're not making anything up. You're just looking around.

You don't need writers. I'm repeating it back. And what's going on instead? What's going on instead? So, well, another company has just got to pay and put the news on there instead. So they cancelled their own in-house news. So it's been replaced.

So that was the super-proof. The mayonnaise presents news. Our top story, mayonnaise is delicious. Goes with everything. Crossed our lives. What's the weather? Well, it's pretty rainy. I'd stay inside and eat some mayonnaise.

Second story, tomato sauce killed a man. Beautiful day today. Go eat some mayonnaise outside. Have a picnic. Colonel Mustard caught in the billiards room. With a candlestick. Holy shit. Yeah, because you said you just came back from

New Zealand and you were like, oh, New Zealand comedy, it's not very good anymore. It's like, yeah, cunt, because you're all over here. All of the New Zealand comedians are over here. All the good ones. And tell you what, the success does not translate back. They don't care that we're doing well over here, I don't think. Do they perhaps even present it a little bit?

Well, so I got nominated for this show, the Melbourne Awards, quite rightfully, we all agree. My dad's a judge. And then a TV producer who did like breakfast TV in New Zealand, they called me or they contacted me

and they were like, oh, we might interview you tomorrow morning for breakfast about this. It's our final episode. This is our big finale. This is the last piece of news to ever happen in New Zealand.

Sorry. We want to end this show on a cliffhanger. Did you win? We'll never find out. So they call you up and they go, hey, man. They go, hey. Then they had an hour meeting. They had whatever they discussed, whatever they're going to talk about the next day.

And then they got back to me and they said, sorry, we're not going to run with your interview now. We're going to do breaking news instead. And this was 14 hours before the show was happening. I was like, you're going to do breaking news instead and this was 14 hours before the show was happening i was like you're gonna do breaking news and so you're just gonna sit back something and hope something anything else happens so we don't have to talk to you have you ever seen frontline so the working dog people they made this show called frontline which is about a current affair show and there's a great episode where there's just not enough news they can't get a story to work and they're just having trouble. And throughout it, they've got this editor character

who's working on these packages. And just before they have to go to air, like a very prominent Australian has died and they've just finished updating his in-memoriam package. So the last thing that happens is they come running and they're all stressed and they go, Sir Malcolm's died. And they're all like, yeah!

I can run the package yeah I like that's we've talked about this before but the like anyone who's like big enough that's getting on

and like the working at any kind of company where you're like you gotta have all this shit ready to go they do like this could happen any day like that being your job

of like just sitting down finding some childhood clips and some little quotes that'd be a bit of work experience that being your job of like just sitting down. It is. Finding some childhood clips and some little quotes. That'd be a bit of work experience guy, wouldn't it be? Like just update Elton John's, you know. Oh, that's true. Are we going to?

Yeah, yeah. Because my auntie was the, my uncle was the gardener at the church where he got married in Sydney when he married a woman in Sydney in the 80s. Elton John. Yeah, Elton John married a woman. Oh, yes. That was a rocket man. Yeah. And he got married. Elton John. Yeah, Elton John married a woman in Sydney in the 80s. Oh, yes, that was in Rocket Man. Yeah, and he goes...

My heart. They see... I think that's when they say, don't go breaking my heart. You mean in the film? Just you hearing a story about Elton John and just chiming in, that's the Rocket Man, actually.

Actually, you've got this in your locker. Not confused with the piano man. Thank you very much. Hang on, you've got this in your locker because you like... You're a movie guy, but you'll go to anything, won't you? I mean, I get it.

What was the last thing you saw? Because I remember I talked to you about going to movies. You've always seen something. I'm like, really? What did you go there for? What was the last film I saw? I reckon you'd be hitting Garfield this week. Garfield?

You're a Chris Pratt guy over here. You're a biopics guy. I do like biopics. That's like my wife will go, I'm going to the movies, and I'll go, what are you going to see? And she i don't know yeah it's crazy walks in it's right one movie please i love that i love people who do that but yeah we were this is kind of a side thing we were we someone was telling us recently uh two friends of the show one of them was going to the other one's wedding that was interstate and turned up to the airport to get the ticket.

Oh, really? Do you remember this? No. What? Like, got to the airport and was like, one flight to... And they were like, yeah, no, there's... There's no way to do that. There's none.

I don't know this one. There's no way to do that here and also there's none available. And he's like, all right, and goes home and messages this person and is like, oh, yeah, man, I can't make it to the wedding. Is it Ash Williams? Can you do the names? No, I'll tell you off. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had never heard it and so it's like- Why are you withholding the names? Who's going to be offended by this story? I just don't think either of them would want this out there. Oh, really? To know that they were invited to the wedding? Well, the fact that I had never heard it, like I heard it years later through back channel, of them would want this out there. Oh, really? To know that they were invited to the wedding?

Well, the fact that I had never heard, like I heard it years later through back channel, I'm like, oh, there's some tension there. Oh, okay. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah, that's a remarkable way of doing things. But, you know, I want to do that because- I wish you could still do it because if you miss a flight, they can do it, you know, they can put you on another one.

I did do that last time. So, you know, weeks ago when I went to Thailand, I did look at it for some reason. I did look at it. I went onto Jetstar and went, if I bought a ticket, I'm in an Uber. Sorry, I'll be truthful. I'm on the Skybus on the way to the airport.

And I checked Jetstar. It's like if I'd have bought a ticket for two hours time, I would have paid the same amount that I'd paid for us if you're willing to take the risk

you can be rewarded with the opposite of what you're saying about we've got to fill this plane you can get

last it's a classic story but I think it's either Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel actually who got

Piano Man yes the boss he used to be away. Back in the 70s and 80s, there was a trick before the internet that musicians had, where you could go for free,

you could sneak onto flights. And that's how they first went to London. It's an amazing story. If you hang... How do you sneak onto a flight? I have to find it and send it to you. It's an incredible story of this massively, massively famous person

just before they broke, going and sneaking onto a plane to london well they didn't have a ticket or anything nothing jeez anytime i've like anytime i've given someone a lift to the airport and you know it's like such a bummer because you're like you're buying into the whole like you're going out there and you're sort of like in the you know you're in the orbit of like them and their excitement and it rubs off. And I've had points where I'm like, fuck it. What if I just park the car, go in there and just get on a flight to wherever. I love that.

It's like buy a toothbrush when I land. I didn't get on a plane until later in life and I never flew anywhere. I remember just knowing about the airport and flying somewhere from tv i remember the first time i went on a flight i got i hit up a friend and said can you come and pick me up from the airport and they're like okay and then i'm like getting a lift home from the airport just because i'd seen on tv and it's like and and my friend's like why am i driving you from the airport why didn't you park the car or get the bus or get a taxi i'm like i saw it on Seinfeld.

Because that's what George does. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. Yeah, it's a part of life. When a friend comes back from the airport, you have to go pick them up. Yeah. I just remember my friend just going, why am I? I mean, I'm doing it, but I don't know why I'm doing it.

Our airport's ages away. What am I going to do? Walk? Yeah. It's lift or nothing. Yeah. Oh, man. Weird. Well, yeah, we're jetting off soon. Very soon I going to do? Walk? Yeah. It's lift or nothing. Yeah. Oh, man. Weird.

Well, yeah, we're jetting off soon. Very soon. We're jetting off this week. Do we have any other business of admin for the show that we need to let people know about before we get over there? I mean, obviously, we've got to keep Ed abreast of everything that we're doing while we're over there. Menus.

Menus. Treadmills. No sunsets. Treadmills and menus. I get it. I get it. It's there. Menus. Menus. Treadmills. No sunsets. Treadmills and things. I get it. I get it. It's pretty. Shut up.

Like signs. Signs. Local signage, which you're pretty good at. Yeah, I love a good funny sign. Do you want these direct? You're happy to get these via text or you want them? So we're getting a YouTube guy to film heaps of stuff, including our live shows, but heaps of stuff during the day.

We're going to go and do bits and pieces and whatever. We'll have heaps of stuff, including our live shows, but heaps of stuff during the day. We're going to go and do bits and pieces and whatever. We'll have heaps of footage for Patreon, but we'll be putting stuff on all the Instas and the Facebooks and all that sort of stuff as well. Yeah. What do they normally do on the channel? What's their normal beat on their channel? Normal beat?

Yeah, like this YouTuber, what do they normally do? What's he normally covering? Well, this is a guy I've met through me being in lockdown and getting obsessed with Australians and English people in Thailand. So they live there already? Yeah, they live there. So it's a really sweet little market. I'm watching.

I'm into all the politics around the scene as well. So there's these people, they all live in Bangkok. They pump out all this Thailand sort of content purely for idiots like me who are sitting at home going, I wish I was in Thailand, so I guess I'll watch this. That's me, yeah. And they make money from it. But this guy that we're bringing over is a guy that's sort of relatively new to it,

so he's not making money for it yet. So I'm like, what would it take for you to come over and do all this filming for us? And he's like, a free holiday for me and my missus? And I'm like, done. Wow. So then we're flying him over. Yeah, but he's now, much like the people who don't take cash, he's tanking the market for the others.

And they'll be shitty with that. Yes. Because they'll want money. And now it's like, well, the going rate's just a holiday. Fuck it. He's fucked up the vlogger economy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he's fucked up the vlogger economy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

so he's coming over so yeah there's a lot of the Bangkok YouTuber they do a lot of this is what it looks like when you go out at night yeah

and a bit of music this is what there's a lot of visa gear there's a lot of people wanting to watch videos for how do you get a visa to go to Thailand

there's a lot of that there's a lot of updates on the marijuana laws over there they do a lot of people wanting to watch videos for how do you get a visa to go to Thailand? There's a lot of that. There's a lot of updates on the marijuana laws over there. They do a lot of that gear, of which, as we speak, I believe they've put all the infrastructure through to change it back to be illegal again, but it won't happen until the end of the year. So there's a lot of people coming to Koh Samui that we're a bit unsure, but absolutely fucking go for it, fellas. Yeah.

The only thing is the very complicated law of there's every second shop is a shop that sells edibles and marijuana so it is absolutely very legal to buy all that stuff and it is absolutely illegal to smoke any of it ah that's that old trick yeah it's illegal it's illegal to. Really? Yes. A mate of mine, not a mate, a not mate of mine for legal reasons. A stranger. A man I've never met. Let's call him Mr. Millard. Who I went to high school with, moved to Thailand because his expertise is growing marijuana.

Now, in Australia, Ray, that will get you jail time. But he landed the day it became legal in Thailand and he is like the messiah because he rocked up with all the knowledge they need and he is now the crop master general.

Thai wheat. Wow. Great timing. He would be selling right about now, I reckon. Sell high. Get the fuck out. Yep. He's good at fleeing countries. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

No, I'm just remembering your history. We don't know who this person is, but I think he might rhyme with dad. Yeah, that's right. Somewhat. Yes. All right. So that's what... Cheech and Chong and Cav. Yeah, that's rad. Yes. Somewhat. Yes. All right. So that's what Cheech and Chong and Cav. Yeah, that's right.

Well, I either throw to a song right now or we go home. All right. Well, that is going to do us for another episode of Little Dumb Dumb. It's 6.33 in the morning. We're looking at Ray. Unless you've got My Heart Will Go On ready to go, I guess we better go. You want me to sing? Yes.

Yeah. How does that song go? Something in the distance and spaces between us. Oh, I know you've come to go on. Well, it's like they say, it's on over to a fat cunt singing. Jesus. That's the end Jesus That's the end of the episode Everyone

Lord Well that was the secret sound guys So If you can guess what that was Then you win an upgrade For your room How do I guess? Text in

Yay Yeah We got lots of socials Yeah Love it Alright Ed You've got the Husey and Aaron show that is podcast. You've got Have You Been Paying Attention?

Yep. You've got your podcast as well? Yeah, Team Ever's out intermittently when I can be bothered. And we had a live show, which was, Jesus Christ, that was loose. Even for my standards. So anyway, great to be here. Yep. And, Ray, you've got a couple more shows of the tour coming up.

Yeah, I've got some shows coming up in Perth and Sydney and Adelaide. Adelaide, you'll come to that. Perth next week, you're at Ray O'Leary Comedy. We've got millions of listeners out in Narrow Warren, so don't forget to mention that one. It's great. Yeah, but Narrow Warren, please come along. That one's nearly sold.

I've got to get a quote from my dad for your poster. You know, like some people will put, like, never heard of him, mum. But if you put, best comedian I've got to get a quote from my dad for your poster. You know, like some people will put like, never heard of him, mum. But if you put, best comedian I've seen, Tommy Dazzler's dad.

Now that's good. That's pretty decent actually. That will sell out in Nary Warren. Great route. Ray's dad. I hate him, Bean Cormoran.

Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you man. I hate him, Bean Korma. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Yes. What a great episode we just recorded, Tommy. Yeah. One of our best.

I can't believe we got Ronnie and Dil back on the show. What did you guys think of the episode? Everyone here at the live talking dum-dum at the Creatures of Habit bar and band room. You fuckheads, we haven't recorded it yet. You dunces. I mean, berating the audience didn't go as well as I thought. Okay, all right.

You multiple times on the socials I've noticed have referred to this venue as the Creatures of Habit bar band and bar room. Yes. Which I like the idea that it's a venue

that has a band over there and then a room with a bar in it. Yeah. There's just an in-house band that just hang out. They don't play. They're not let in a room.

Yeah, yeah. They have to be outdoors and they don't like to play their instruments. Right, they just exist in just a different space. Yeah. Okay, all right. Yeah, exactly.

Gee, I wish we'd brought a crowd in, but anyway. Doesn't really matter if the crowd mic's working or not at this point. Thanks for coming in, guys. And thanks to Creatures of Habit for having us. Yeah. We've never been in here before. For people at home, this is an awesome space. They should do comedy in here sometime. Yeah. We've never been in here before. For people at home, this is an awesome space. They should do comedy in here sometime.

Yeah. I got a feeling that'd go pretty mediocre. Yeah. How was the commute today, Tommy? Oh, brother, some insane stuff happened to me. Can you actually see your house from the front door? Can you actually see it? I love that the guy who refuses to name his wife and child on the show

is hell-bent on doxing me in the lead-up to this live podcast. But look, on a clear afternoon, maybe. Yeah, I live at Shawcross. Things aren't going well. I live out the back of the pizza place across the road. Bit of local humour for you guys. I don't want to dox you, but when I leave the venue, I'll be walking past Tommy's house.

I won't say anything, but I will be pointing. So if anyone wants to follow me, yeah. What if you know the real Kramer, how he does his reality tour in New York? What if it was just like, that's where Jerry lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the real, you know, not in the show. That's the facade they use for Tommy's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he actually lives in Los Angeles. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an interesting, whatever the opposite of facade is, on the inside of this joint. I like that they've got... Wait, well, let's unpack this. What is...

Any guesses as to what is the opposite of facade? Yeah, like the inside. Yeah. Is that what it is, inside? Is that the word? An inside. Is that the word? Inside?

An inside. Inside, inside. Okay, all right. Anyone know any interior designers in the house? Yeah. Wow, who would have thunk? Yeah. Yeah.

I like how they've got all the posters and the stuff shit on the walls. And I like the nice big trophy up there. There's a genuine, we asked, there's a genuine turtle shell up there. Yep. You know, the best trophy to get, the hardest one to get, is to kill a fucking turtle and have a memory of that. Someone's working on new material.

Sorry for trying to introduce comedy into the show. My bad. Yeah, is it, was it your dad? Was that the story? Your dad took out... Your dad was a turtle?

Your dad was Michelangelo? Your dad took out the turtle... I'm sorry to hear. I'm sorry to hear he's dead. Yeah. Your dad took out your dad was a turtle your dad was Michelangelo your dad took out I'm sorry to hear I'm sorry to hear his dad yeah your dad took out the turtle

and donated the shell to the bar what's your partner your partner you're going out with your dad what

what's wrong with this crowd this is good shit that's funny stuff come on imagine rooting your dad that's so funny imagine

you'll be fucking up on the wall in a minute guys if you don't stop laughing at this shit. Wait, so your partner killed this turtle and went, babe, I want you to hang this on the wall at your work.

Is that what happened? Really? Did he kill the turtle around here somewhere? Where did he kill the turtle? What? Hang on. You're going, oh, like as if, oh, I can't believe he's asking about the time my partner killed a turtle.

Hasn't this come up before? This is an interesting story. No, that's what the oh was. It's like I'm so sick of telling this fucking story. Is it really? Are you sick of telling it? Every cunt who comes in here at 2am and gets a pint wants to know about the turtle. We did our best to not want people to ask about the turtle by hanging on the fucking wall.

Where did he kill the turtle? I was donated. He was donated? Oh, it was donated Oh, okay, so your partner just went to a salvos Maybe Oh god Alright, I'm really getting the move off the turtle shell vibe I think we're about to really uncover some stuff that we don't want to hear about Maybe the turtle's still alive, maybe the turtle's inside the shell up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he's actually listening to this and trying to walk out at this point, but he's not getting that far. Now, you say maybe the turtle's still alive, got an aww from people. Like, that's somehow more offensive than it being dead and up on the wall.

They like dead turtles. They were disappointed. Yeah. What the fuck's wrong with you? I'm going to say it again until you fix yourself. It's $10. There's heaps of people who don't even like this segment of the show. You guys, they can listen to it for free.

You guys have made this your Saturday and you're coming here going, trying to fucking act like turtles yourself. Yeah, people are like, we thought we liked this bit of the show, but seeing it happen in front of us, that really changes it. Hey, we don't care. This is saving us from having to do it on Tuesday afternoon. So fucking whatever. We've got to pack.

Mate, if you want to be silent, we can be silent too. Let's have a silent off. Who cares? I'm going to Thailand in seven sleeps. I don't give a fuck what happens. Seven sleeps? Oh no, it's five sleeps. Five sleeps. Five sleeps.

Don't you refer to it like that? You still measure things? No. Yes. I'm an adult. No, I Don't you refer to it like that? No! I'm an adult. Don't measure things in sleep. How many sleeps until Santy Claus turns up? Oh, you've got a sleep count on your phone? Five sleeps. You've got an app that measures it in sleep.

She's more of a grown-up than you. She fucking still uses sleeps. Way to flatter a woman. She's more of a grown-up than you. She fucking still uses sleeps. Way to flatter a woman. She's more of a grown-up than you. Even this old bitch refers to it as sleeps. Hey! You moron. You said that.

I was just thinking it. All right? Yeah, but you're like Garfield. I hear your thoughts out loud. Okay, right, right, right. Are you Nermal? Which one are you? Are you John?

I'm John. You're John. You're the one that drinks the cum. I drink cum, yeah. Canonically. We both tried to race to it. If you didn't know John from Garfield, there's a strip where he drinks cum.

People are across this, right? Yeah. Yeah. They're like boring. So we've got a guest here today. Is it time to get into the names? Do we want to get into the names? Oh, yeah. Do we want to get our guest out here?

Any more thoughts about the dead shit on the wall? Well, here are the creatures of habit. I mean, it's slightly disappointing. I mean, it's great for them. I love being here and these guys are the sponsor. But if not for one unread email, we could have been doing this show. Yeah. Live from the MSO.

Yeah. The Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could have been here fucking with cunts playing Return of the Jedi theme on the tuba behind us right now. Yeah, that's it. Imagine how hard we'd be bombing if we were doing this in Hamer Hall right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a missed opportunity. With even better acoustics and we're still bombing. Any dead animals on the wall in here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No? Oh, fuck. Look at that cunt with a stick. It's a conductor. Oh, okay. Right, right. Sorry. here? No? Oh, fuck. Look at that cunt with a stick. It's a conductor.

Oh, okay. Right, right. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Oh, Christ. Well, I mean, also, we are, you know, it's a shame that we're in here when we are because, you know, if we had have done this show in this venue seven or eight years ago, we could have been performing in Ice Bar.

Oh, yes. I don't remember when this venue... Yeah. Oh, there's an audible murmur. Some Ice Bar heads in the crowd. Anyone ever go to Ice Bar. Oh, yes. Do you remember when this venue... Yeah, I was an audible merman. Some Ice Bar heads in the crowd. Anyone ever go to Ice Bar? You did? Yeah.

Wow, how was it? Yeah, was it cold? It was lukewarm. No wonder they closed down. Exactly. What a shit Ice Bar. I wonder if you can find the Google reviews for Ice Bar back in the day. I went in here and it was 21 degrees.

You call that fucking cold? I had to fucking wear a singlet. This sucks. What a great concept for a bar in Melbourne. Come to this one. It's cold. Oh, okay. In Melbourne, a cold bar.

Nice. Wow. By the look of this joint, to be honest, it's still probably an ice-themed bar. Very nice. Very nice. But it ain't cold. Did you take over this place after it was Ice Bar? No, I joined in with some other joint.

Oh, really? Some other joint. Oh, damn. In between. You didn't have to, like, dethor the... That's why I was asking. I was fascinated to know about the process of converting Ice Bar. Yeah, it was the turtle just hidden in the middle of a big ice cube,

and you were like, oh, fuck, okay. It had been cryogenically frozen for a time where they could make them speed up or something. Yeah, when they can cure turtle cancer, they'll bring them back. They can cure slowness. Alright, let's get our guest

out here, folks who are great friend of the show here to help us read out names, please welcome into Talking Dumb Dumb, Greg Larson! Yes. Thank you. I feel like the meat in a Tommy and

Carl sandwich. He's sitting in between us for the listeners. There's also a dead pig. Is it a pig? Oh, is it? Is it a pig? A bo is it a pig a boar a hog hog on brother where

where's the pig there's a hog up there it's hard to see with the light oh yeah right right right but it's like it's the proper like cartoon like mounting of the of the dead

is there a funny story about that one too no Brad's dad Brad's dad that's Brad's dad Brad's dad okay right

Brad's dad's hog Brad's dad is a pig Brad's dad's Brad's dad. Okay, right. Brad's dad's hog. Brad's dad is a pig. Brad's dad's hog. Brad's dad's a pig and he's dead. Son, I'm so proud of you for owning the venue that used to be Ice Bar. I bequeath you the family pig. I want you to have the head of my favourite dead pig. Alright, let's get a new audience in because that's as good as it gets.

What do you think, Greg? You were in the audience. You were in there not laughing at us as well. That's why we got you up here. I think it was actually going all right. I think you'll be too hard on yourself. Okay, right. No, I'm not being hard on me at all.

I'm being hard on them. Yeah. I think they're doing their best. They're trying really hard with what you've given them. That is fair. And see, they're fl lit up at that, so... Maybe it's because they're so far away that I can't hear the laughter. Maybe that's it.

I'll give myself some excuses. I'll go easy on myself from now on. It's the shell, man. It's not good for acoustics. That's it. It's sucking up a lot of the laughter. That's it. It's hard to hear.

That's it. It's coming into pig's mouth. Can I just back up for a second though because I just can't wait to find out. What do you mean John drank cum? In Garfield? Is this real? I'll do a live reenactment of a Garfield

strip from about 25 years ago if you want. I would love to see that. Have we got any volunteers that have some cum? Okay, so the set up of the strip is he's at the vet. And he's, you know, he had that vet he was always trying to fuck? Yeah.

Yeah, so he's, and by the way, feel free to anyone like jump in if I'm getting this wrong. But was it something like he's talking to the vet about, there's like a bit at the end where he just like knocks back a shot and then the vet is like, oh, yeah, that's some dog samples. Oh. Should we just Google it and find out? I thought I remembered it better than I actually do. It's a weird thing. I really in my head.

He knocks back a shot? Like what is he in the vet going, oh, I might have a shot of whiskey? Like what are you talking about? He knocks back a shot. Yeah, what is he, in a vet going, I might have a shot of whiskey? Like, what are you talking about? He knocked back a shot. Yeah, he thinks he's just having a drink. He thinks he's having a drink. We need to get Abishek in here to talk us through this, by the way. He'll be able to get to the bottom of this.

We got the cum comic. Yeah, we got the wrong one. Oh, you got the wrong cum? Hang on. The wrong cum comic? It's another Garfield cum comic? Yeah, yeah. The wrong one. Oh, you got the wrong cum. The wrong cum comic? Wait, there's another Garfield cum comic? Yeah, yeah. The wrong one.

Alright, we got it now. Oh no, that's the wrong one too. That's the same exact one. I know, I know. Someone's doctored it. What? People make fake Garfield comics. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go. They'll change the text of a Garfield to make it seem like something untoward is happening. But this is the one where he drinks cum. Why would you change that? Yeah, you don't need to change the cum drinking one. Okay, so he's there with the vet. You've got to make it clean it up

so people can watch it on the plane. Right, right. So he's with the vet. John's with the vet. Garfield's in the hands of the vet. And he says to the vet vet but to himself also, have a cup of coffee, John. Why, thanks. Don't mind if I do. Panel two. He drinks

the drink. Then the vet says, she says, oh, progressive, says Jesus Christ. Congratulations, Mr. Arbuckle. Cut to panel three. She says, you are going to give birth to a fine, healthy litter of puppies. He then looks like he's going to spew.

And Garfield thinks, I hate puppies. So it's more or less what I said, yeah. So he drinks some dog cum. He drinks dog cum in a Garfield comedy. And the vet thinks that to give birth to puppies, you just have to drink dog cum. Just drink it, yeah. Now, can you Google Jim Davis? Because he's weighed in on this.

He's been asked about this in interviews, and he's like, no, no, no, get your heads out of the gutter. It's not that at all. And he's got some justification for it that makes no sense. Like it's dog hormones or something? Like a cup of hormones? Can hormones be in a cup? What are hormones?

Are they liquid if you have enough of them? If you add water to them, can they be liquid? What are they? By the way, I loved the way you read out the comic strip. You could pitch yourself to do the Garfield audiobooks. Just do all of the strip collections. Garfield lets loose as read by Carl Chandler.

Panel one. Garfield is thinking I hate Mondays. But also included in it is him going, sorry, hang on, that's the wrong one. Hang on. I can't read that. Hang on. They don't give him the actual book to read out there like

you figure it out it's all live unedited yeah it's like i gotta get my glasses all right so jim davis says on the farm we used to give first calf heifers a high protein supplement to help them deliver healthier calves the supplement was provided by our vet since liz is a vet i assumed that there would be a similar supplement for dogs. So John is drinking a protein-enriched drink formulated for a pregnant dog. What a load of fucking shit.

That's dog cum. He was drinking dog cum. We all know it. He thinks we all know about the protein fucking deal. Exactly. Even if that is true, it's like you're asking

a lot of the audience there, Jim. Yeah, it's like all the rest of his comic strips are all like, I ate lasagna and I took a big shit and then you've got to fucking think about this that much. Like the rest of his strips are pretty simple. Imagine like the one guy who read that strip on the day who's like,

oh yeah, like the supplement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good shit. The high protein supplement that you give to pregnant dogs to increase the chance of having a healthy litter yeah I gotta read the

I gotta read this strip to the sheep when I feed them later today yeah it would have been I think it would be funnier if someone does like a bootleg version

like a hack a mod can you do a mod of a comic do a mod of a comic a mod of a comic yeah if he was like oh a cup of coffee

don't mind if I do give myself a coffee enema and then like you know because coffee enemas no don't get your mind It was like, oh, a cup of coffee. Don't mind if I do give myself a coffee enema. And then like... You know, because coffee enemas... No, don't get your mind out of the gutter. Yeah. I'm just saying. So you're saying you just make multiple bootleg versions

of that same strip. You don't make all the other Garfield strips to be about him drinking. I want to see a thousand different dog cum Garfield... The dog cum Garfield collection. Well, guys, you drove us to this, okay? This is what you created. Dog Cum Garfield The Dog Cum Garfield Collection Well guys You drove us to this Okay

This is what you created I'm sorry I Back when I was sitting over there I thought I said to myself Don't bring up the Dog Cum I think

Everyone's thinking Of course Greg's Gonna bring up the Dog Cum I just panicked And I just I just think They should front foot it And be like

Okay that's the deal From now on it's canon It's like Garfield loves lasagna John loves cum Yeah That's it Yeah Well there's that's the deal from now on it's canon it's like Garfield loves lasagna John loves cum yeah that's it yeah

well there's that new Garfield movie out at the moment I'm pumped to see if they reference the famous canonical cum drinking in it you know people

oh these cartoon movies are great there's always little jokes in there for the adults that go over the kid's head and then you go watch it and it's just John going mmm yummy

a big old cup of cum mummy what's that mean when you it and it's just John going, Mmm, yummy! A big old cup of cum! Mummy, what's that mean? He's just drinking this unlabelled milk the whole movie and just by the end there's little puppies dropping out of his arsehole. Oh, like the supplement. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Very clever what they've done here. Officially, we're laughing more than you guys. It's official. It's official.

Comedy. Well, is it time to get into some names? Oh, what about, can we ask this? Because this is the going away party for the Coastal Mooyah International Podcast Festival. Who here is going to Coastal Mooyah with us? Oh, welcome. And who's not?

Nice. This is like giving your friend a lift to the airport. or he's going to Koh Samui with us. Oh, welcome. And who's not? Ah, nice. This is like giving your friend a lift to the airport. You're like, oh, sounds great, man. Yeah, I'm really wrapped. I did this at 1am. So just now I have to go home and get up for work tomorrow. Wow, that's sure. Well, I guess we'll have the list of everyone

that's got the tickets, who's coming to Koh Samui and all that sort of shit. But I've got a big exclusive, guys, for you, for the people, for everyone here, because this isn't being videoed or anything. I feel like I can do it. Every year we have the wristband for the Costa Muin Podcast Festival, and everyone, of course, is wondering this year,

what colour are they? Oh, yeah. So you're just going to show people in the room but not say it on mine? Well, I feel like that's safe. We'll get everyone to sign an NDA because that's the thing. There's still a week to go until the festival. When this episode comes out, there's still three or four days until it starts. And we're in Thailand.

There's still time for people to pirate the wristbands and sneak in for free. That's true. So I think as long as no one... I don't want any flash photography here, guys. We have made sure that the person monitoring the wristbands over there isn't colour blind, so they will know if someone turns up in the wrong colour.

I've made it pretty easy for myself. I'll give you that much. Yeah, okay. Now, guys, again, no pictures. I don't want to say what colour they are. I will say that if they were drinkable, John from Garfield would definitely drink this his wristbands

so like a sort of yellowy no no nothing no no no supplement colour yeah yeah because John drinks piss is that a new thing

no it isn't come like sort of yellow green it's sort of like a yellowy green isn't it is that wrong sometimes it's got like bits of red in it

look I've got I've got... I've got something to go to after this, so yeah, yeah, let's just go with that. Rather than unpack it and spend any more time on this. Also, is there any doctors in here, guys? Is there any vets?

Who can wet my whistle? Fucking parched. You've reminded me, when I was in like year nine we were at a sleepover and just we were all like in my friend's living room

and like as we were like drifting off to sleep there'd been a bit of silence where you just don't know if everyone else is asleep yet and my friend goes guys don't you hate it

when you do an orange poo? And everyone just makes this silent agreement it's like we're all asleep we're just gonna all pretend to be asleep and leave this cunt just flapping in the breeze. We're not getting into this.

You're on your own, brother. I'm just imagining him sitting there with his eyes open staring into the darkness going, oh well, maybe next time. Surely at least one of my friends is still awake. What would cause an orange poo, do you think? What's there a lack of? I've looked up every colour of...

I reckon you've backed out every colour of the rainbow at this point in your life, if I had to guess. Me personally? Why? Why? What have I... I don't know. You strike me as a you know

I'm sure you've taken in some play-doh you're saying I have a bad time in a way that's one of the most offensive

things anyone's ever said to me look at me and just go you need fucking play-doh you fat piece of shit

you just eat play-doh when you were a kid not now yeah I mean yeah I've eaten a bit of play-Doh. When you were a kid, not now. I mean, yeah, I've eaten a bit of Play-Doh. What is the worst thing you've eaten?

The worst thing I've eaten? Yeah, what's the worst thing you've ever eaten? Your dick. I don't know why. I was trying to think of a funny answer that wasn't your dick. And I couldn't think of one. That's good. I like it. We were talking about drinking dog cum before

and somehow the Play-Doh is more offensive to you. What is the worst thing I've ever eaten? I mean, but like there's ethically worse, you know, like a baby. Is that on the table? No, I haven't eaten a baby. I'm just saying as a hypothetical, ethically, that's bad. Have you had horse? No, not to my knowledge.

But I reckon you have. If you've ever eaten a canned meat, you've surely eaten horse at some point. And I've eaten a lot of cans of meat. What about dog? No, I would never eat a dog. I would never eat a little puppy. What about crocodile? I would know.

I have eaten crocodile. But I will say once I went to get a Papa Giuseppe's pizza out of like a chest freezer that my friend had because he was like get us a Papa Giuseppe's for lunch

and I picked it up and then there was a little frozen puppy What? What? Underneath this Papa Giuseppe's What?

Why? Because his mum was like a dog breeder and had like and instead of like if a puppy died... Is that how you freeze them? Is that how you breathe them?

Because she wouldn't... You didn't defrost one? She'd freeze them. And I don't know what she did next, but like... Everyone in this room is going, God, I wish we'd laughed harder earlier. Back them into this corner where they feel like this is what they have to do. It really put me off my Papa Giuseppe's.

Did she drink a lot of dog cum and then give birth to one straight into the freezer? No, but once I did see, like, she was in the car and, like, she had to get out of the car for a second. And one of her dogs was, like, she had a Pepsi can and the dog was licking all, like, all around inside the can, like, going to town. Yeah. And then she got back and then I didn't know if I should say something. And then she picked up the Pepsi can and started drinking out of it. But then, and I was just like,

oh yuck. And then the dog went back in and was licking it again and licking inside the can. And then she went, oh stop that and pushed him away and then picked up the can.

Picked up and drank it. She wouldn't have cared. Yeah. Either way. But yeah. What was I going to say? Yeah, I've eaten crocodile. How was it?

It was fine It was like a chickeny fish A fishy chicken That actually sounds pretty good Yeah It was like a chickeny fish Kind of situation What about turtle?

Never eaten turtle Do you want to have a crack tonight? Where can you get Yeah Where can you get turtle? Where do they serve turtle? There'd be a Fiji

Yeah Fiji What's the weirdest food They serve in Thailand? Like the weirdest animal The weirdest I mean Look Insects Yeah What's the weirdest food they serve in Thailand? Like the weirdest animal. The weirdest? I mean, look, insects. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, there's a lot of spiders and cockroaches.

I was watching a Bourdain the other night where he's eaten frog over there. You can get frog, I went to a hot pot here in Melbourne where they had frog legs on the menu. I didn't get them, but you know. You're too busy drinking the oil. Yes. Yes. Yes. If I didn't know that story, that would be such a great burn instead of me just listing a fact, a thing that

I know happened. Yeah, this one time I knew this woman who drank a Pepsi that her dog licked. Meanwhile, I'm drinking out of her fucking deep fryer. I would never. I put a straw in a deep fryer and I'm like look at that

dirty Pepsi no one will ever let me off the hook for one time attempting to drink boiling oil sorry we all make mistakes

and that one you were at too it's big right like they must have to have like a security detail just watching a camera on every tail oh we got another whitey trying to drink the oil quick. They see me waddling in.

They're like, all right, this guy's drinking the oil. We're putting this gun on a high. We're going to need a bigger oil. I actually went to a hot pot really recently. Yep. And someone... Tried to drink the toilet. Someone ran over and just said, you can't drink the hot pot.

I was like, I know. Oh, word's gotten out. You're like when they put the photo on the cash register and they're like, this man shoplifts, don't serve him. This man will drink oil. If you don't stop him. Pick a picture of you on every server around the country. Every petrol pump.

Fucking drink oil. Oh, man. You're not allowed to go to Qatar. That's funny. It's good. Oh, because of oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit.

Did you see that guy shoving the oil, the petrol pump up his ass? No. Where? It was on Twitter or whatever it's... X. Yep. And someone filmed a video

and it was in Italian. It was in Italy. Okay. Okay, yep. You know, Italia. Yeah, we know. A guy was filming from his car window and there was an old bloke

at the petrol station with his pants around his ankles and he was masturbating. And I will say and I will say I will say to his credit he had a thick hog. Was that the pump or was that his hog?

His hog. And he was masturbating and he had a petrol pump shoved up his ass. How far? It looked like, I don't know, how much is that, like four centimetres? That's, to my knowledge, that's 12

inches right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he was doing that, and then the guy, he said something in Italian, but it was clearly in the cadence of, you right there, chief? I'd love to know what Italian for, are you right there, italian for are you right there chief is

no no no show mate no show and he like sort of turned around and was like shocked was like oh and quickly pulled the pump out of his ass like he'd been busted but it was like he'd been busted yeah no he was he had been busted yeah he's was being busted He had been busted Officially busted So he's just At a petrol station In the middle of the day And someone finding him Do this was surprising to him

Yeah And what was funny Is then like I saw Like the mayor Of that town In Italy Uploaded a video of him

Going to a petrol station And like staring at the pump And like reaching for it And then there's music playing Oh so this has become Like a big meme. It was a meme, yeah. Right, right.

There was a guy. This is like the Italy Tony Abbott eating an onion. Yeah. I got a tattoo of the guy with a petrol pump up his ass on his leg. It was sick. It was a great time to be alive. Imagine batting off with the petrol pump up your ass, going up to the counter and just pump number four, thanks.

They're like, hey, bounty bars are two for one at the moment. I just really want to get this out of the way and get out of here. Thanks. I'm full of shame now that I've come. I need to get out of here. Was that diesel or no, no, no. Unleaded. That was unleaded. Warning. This is diesel. Oh, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god, mistake. That'll fuck your ass right up if you put diesel

up there. But that's the thing. It's like nothing if I'm being honest nothing about that disgusts me other than the petrol element yeah no yeah no totally

like I've just I've been on the internet for so long I could see like if he was just jerking off with like a I don't know a bit of wood

shoved up his ass yeah yeah no you're right it's the petrol that goes oh that stinks yeah makes me feel sick

there's something about anything that's called a Bowser being used as a masturbatory aid. Surely this is a dream of yours for Bowser to be up your arse. Yeah.

We all look up a little bit of Bowser porn every now and then. I mean, that's a tattoo that I have, but it's, yeah. That's good stuff. Alright, we've got... Something about the turtle shell and Bowser, I can't think of a joke,

but there's a joke to be had. Oh, yeah. You're right. There's a joke to be had if someone can think of it. Absolutely. You're correct. I bet there is. And with better people on stage, it would have been made. But yeah. Unfortunately, we're here. What a great...

Imagine starting your festival show coming out being like, God, imagine being me. You'd say some funny stuff, wouldn't you? I mean, in an hour, there's so many jokes to be had. I tell you. Imagine if we were Seinfeld right now. Fuck, how sick would that be, guys? It'd be awesome. I had a festival show

that I started like about three times it bombed every time but I just thought it was funny to start up and go hi my name's Greg welcome to my world

and nobody laughed and it was bad alright well um thanks to everyone who subscribes on patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club

does anyone subscribe here who subscribes on Patreon.com. Does anyone subscribe here? Who subscribes? Yeah. Who doesn't subscribe? Just saying, fucking people that aren't coming to Samui. That's fine. That's fine. Thank you to everyone who does that.

It really keeps the lights on here. Keeps the fucking turtles in our venue. Hey, it ain't cheap to live a block away from the creatures of Habit Bar and Bandit. So thanks everyone who subscribes on Patreon. Exactly. So thank you to everyone. venue. Hey, it ain't cheap to live a block away from the creatures of Habit Bar and Band Room, so thanks everyone who subscribes on Patreon. Exactly. So thank you to everyone. We're going to read out a few people this week, if that's all right.

First cab off the rank. Oh, do you want to have a theme this week? Like, what should we talk about? Like, if we have, if we read out some names. Let's have a crack at comedy. Okay. I've always wanted to give it a go. I don't want to set our aims too

unrealistically, that's all. So, what about, I mean, what about if these names were cocktail names in Koh Samui? Like, what would

be in these names? What would be, okay. Yeah. Yeah. As I'm saying that, I'm pretty sure I know one ingredient

straight away. Well, I think I know all of the ingredients for all five of them, but sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, do your ingredient straight away. Well, I think I know all of the ingredients for all five of them, but sure. Yeah. All right.

Well, do your best, guys. Yeah, okay. Oh, is there a Mario around here? Because that Cooper's been jumped on. Yeah. Because that what? Cooper's been, sorry, in Mario. Yeah.

Cooper's a little turtle guy. Cooper's a little turtle, and Mario will jump on him. When he jumps on him. And then they just turn into just a shell. What's the Koopas mean? The Koopas are the little turtle guys. Koopa would be the guy

that's in the shell. Oh, that's good. That implies that Mario has jumped on that shell. Right, right, right. I like it now. Thank you so much. Thank you.

No, I think that's good. Yeah, thank you. I think that's about as good as you could get. Are you aiming that just as great as he could get? Yeah. I try's good. Yeah, thank you. I think that's about as good as you could get. Are you aiming that just as great as he could get? Yeah. I try really hard.

Yeah. Mario's, we're just a couple of shops down from Mario's, the famous Italian cafe or whatever it is up the street. And Dave O'Neill told us the other day on a Patreon episode that Seinfeld tried to go on a date there and make a reservation. And they said, no thanks, no reservations. Not even for you. That should be our aim from now on.

Let's get a reservation at Mario's. Sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, you won't be interested. Jerry Seinfeld tried to go on a date at Mario. Oh, it's Jerry Seinfeld? That's a bit presumptuous to think that's who I saw. I went there for breakfast this morning. And guess who I saw while I was there? Seinfeld.

Red Simons. Oh, okay. Really? I was just thinking about Red Simons the other day. In what context? I saw the word Neil Simon and then I thought... What if he was red?

Then I thought, I wonder whatever happened to Red Simons. Well, I'll tell you. He's having breakfast at Mario's on a Saturday morning. Yeah, great. Well, thank you to everyone that subscribes on

Patreon.com slash Oh, we've had a walk in. Let's do, first cap off the ring, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jason Pitt. Jason Pitt. Yeah, Jason Pitt. Jason Pitt.

Works in my mind. Did you in any way like kind of filter these names based on the fact that we were going to be doing them in front of a live audience? I'll fill this one. No. Okay. Follow-up question.

Can you? No this one, no. Okay, follow up question, can you? No, no, no. Let me do an impression of Jason Pitt. Okay, good. This is Brad Pitt's much less successful brother, Jason Pitt. He's an Australian brother. He moved to Australia, emigrated to Australia when he was a kid and now he lives

in Fitzroy. Even less successful than that other brother that Brad Pitt has that was in the Vodafone ads a few years ago. Even below him. You're distracting Greg. Sorry, sorry. Jason Pitt. Jason, I mean, yeah. He's getting into character.

Wow, it's like a different guy up here. This is insane. How you going Jason Pittitty? I see you really took on board the character arc I said, where he moved from America to Australia. I did. I came from America, and now I'm here in Australia. That's not an Australian accent.

Well, my accent's all funny, ain't it? Because I was, you know, when you're from one country, you come to another, and it all mucks up. Oh, right. It's always become a third accent. Right. Some people just sound, he's like Josh Thomas. He just sounds weird regardless of where he came from.

It's like mixing red and yellow. You get a different colour. Yeah, I mean, how the fuck would you know? But yeah. Yeah, I mean, I thought I saw Grey Simons up the road before having breakfast, so. Oh, that's,

fuck, that's awesome. Imagine delivering that one to him. Hell yeah. I'm colourblind. Hello, Grey Simons. Mr. Simons, I just want to say, I'm such a big colourblind fan of yours. It's an honour to meet you, Grey Simons. Mr Simons, I just want to say I'm such a big colourblind fan of yours. It's an honour to meet you, grey Simons.

That is good. Oh yeah. I almost wish I hadn't worn my red top tonight. Wow, it's great to meet you, Jason. I'm glad you could show up to our show Are you coming to Koh Samui? No I'm not coming to Koh Samui

I'm busy at my work Right where do you work? I work at the hog factory You work at the hog factory? You make hogs? I slop hogs You slop hogs? I slop them

What does slop mean? You get a hog you slop it up You slop it up What does slop mean? Just muck You put muck onto a hog? you slop it up. You slop it up. What slop means? Just muck. You put muck onto a hog? Poos and wheeze. You really do disappear into your characters, don't you?

And you slop it all around the dog. But who wants a slopped up hog? The people. Right, right, okay. The people that buy them. Right, so it's actually to get a sloppy hog yeah they make

it's when you go when you buy your bacon or your whatever the best ones come from slop hogs when they're slopped up and you

and you you cover them in your poos and your wheeze oh so they're not like a you spew right

I spew on on the hogs you get the slop so the slop is Right I spew on So you On the hogs You get the slop So the slop is your slop It's my slop You generate the slop Right It's

What's my name Jason Jason Pitt Jason Pitt That's my business It's called Pit Slop With Jason Pit Slop

Pit Slop In brackets With Jason And there's a photo of me Going Like that And I'm covered in me slop On the poster

Because I show you That's quite a difference in jobs between you and your brother because your brother's quite famous. Yeah, he nearly got into the slopping game with me. Oh, did he? Yeah, our father was a slopman. And his father was a slopman.

But no, Brad went a different direction. He's like the white sheep of the family. He's the white, yeah. But he will, he does sometimes, you know, he won't tell anyone about it, obviously, but he will come down and slop them up with me. Oh, he does some like secret shifts. You know, over Christmas time, you know,

it's a festive season, a time of family. That's why they didn't show it in the movie Seven. It was actually Gwyneth's head was all slopped up in that box. It was just a box of slop she was fine he was just upset that all that slop had

come back and that's why he shot the what's his name in the face Kevin Spacey who turned out to be a bit of

a cunt he just hated being reminded of the family business that he'd escaped he shot a slop in the box exactly it was just a box of slop family business that he'd escaped. He saw the slop in the box. Yeah, exactly.

It was just a box of slop. That's what people don't realise. And the director was insistent on saying, no, show the slop. Yeah, right. And then people then had all these weird theories about what was in the box. It was just some poos and weeps. That's all it was. Well, thanks, Jason.

Thank you. Thanks for subscribing, Jason. Thank you. Thanks for subscribing, Jason. Goodbye. Well, I think we've worked out what would be in the Jason Pitt cocktail in Koh Samui. Poos and weeds. Sorry, I was so in character, I didn't even know what was happening up here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

Did you know what just happened then? I have no idea. I just get lost. I get lost in the character. Yeah. Your eyes roll back in your head. Yeah. Real science type shit. It lost in the character. Yeah. Your eyes roll back in your head. Yeah. Real science type shit.

It's crazy. Wow. Yep. Well, you've got to do it. I hate to break it to you, but you've got to do this four more times. I can. I can do that.

I feel like you've used up some big go-tos pretty early on. No, no, no. Hey, hey. I have stuff that's clean. I have stuff that's clean. I have stuff that's clever. I can blow your mind. You do do the cruises a lot where you have to do the family show

at four in the afternoon. I'll do a family friendly... Next one will be family friendly. I promise. To be fair, if he had to do a cruise ship gig and it's a kid's gig at four in the afternoon

and he does an hour of poos and wheeze, I think it would fuck it. Yeah, good point. It would go well. Good point. I think it's the covering a pig in the slop of it that's really going to lose the kids.

Isn't there a... Because there was a comedian that had a full billboard this comedy festival called Mr Booger Man or... There's Mr Snot Bottom. Snotty Boy, Snot Bum, yeah. There's Mr Snot Bottom. Yeah. He had a full billboard.

Like a light up, one of those light up billboards. In like South Melbourne. Okay. It was crazy. And you thought, that could be me yeah that could be me Jason Pitt

yeah Patreon subscriber of Mr Slot Bottom yeah that would be good alright you can have all of you know that's

that's your payment for this gig by the way you can have all of these characters at the end of it for free that you've made I'd rather have

the cat but no okay I will promise this one will be clean oh okay oh okay well you don't

you promised yourself we don't mind yeah we're all adults here we just said we just said good luck with going somewhere after that

okay alright thank you alright well let's see how long you last anyway so let's see let's see thank long you last anyway. Let's see.

Let's see. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Morgan Saul. S-A-W-E-L-L, if that helps. S-A-W-E-L-L. That's right, Greg. Saul. Saul. Saul.

Morgan. M-O-R-G-A-N. Morgan Saul. Any more brain busters? Morgan Saul here. Oh, wow. Wow. brain busters? Morgan Saul here. Oh, wow. How are you? Wow.

It's good to see you, Tommy. Oh, good to see you, Morgan. It's good to see you, Carl. It's been a while, Morgan. Oh, yeah, it's been a long time. And where are you from? I'm from a little place called the U.S. of A. Oh, right.

Like our last guest. Yeah, yeah. In a way, yeah. But like A. Oh, right. Like our last guest. Yeah. Yeah. In a way, yeah. But like this, really, yeah. But actually this time. Yeah. For real this time. Oh, yeah.

Morgan Sawa. What part of the United States of America? A little place I call Middle America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nowhere specifically. Rolling cornfields and bars and diners. Just a place where you can sit down with a cup of joe.

Just a town name, man. Springfield. Yeah, wow. And yeah, you know, it's a great little town. I live there. Now do a poo. No, no.

That's too close to what he just wanted to a poo. No, no. That's too close to what he just wanted to talk about. You're confusing. There are actually a lot of Springfields. Oh, there's a lot, yeah. You know, there's a Springfield

in Queensland, Australia. Oh, wow. Up near Ipswich. That's very interesting. There's a place called Orion. It's a shopping centre out there. They have a shopping centre? I don't know why I'm telling you this.

I don't know how you know this. Well, because, like, I... centre out there? I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't know how you know this. Because like I Someone I know is from that area. And when he goes up and stays with his parents he'll often go to this Springfield

Orion shopping centre. This sounds interesting. Who do you know in Queensland? There's this comedian that names Greg Larson. Oh okay. What's he like?

A little blue for my taste. Oh because you're a, he's funny. What's he like? A little blue for my taste. Yeah. Oh, because you're clean, aren't you? I'm clean. Yeah, right. I like that sort of the butt stuff and the, you know, ejaculatory references. It's not my cup of tea.

No, no. You don't need that kind of stuff to be funny. You don't need that kind of stuff to be funny. Not in middle America. No, no, no, no. But having said that, I will admit that the way he does it is clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's a sort of genius to it that you can't quite describe.

It's not as easy as just saying dirty words. It's not just smut for smut's sake. He's using it to make a bigger point about capitalism. He says things about who we are and humanity and how I'm Morgan Saul. Morgan Saul.

And what do you do, Morgan? I work with heart. Okay, now let's relax everyone. We don't know what this could be yet. This is... He hasn't broken his promise yet.

We've had some coincidences on this show, but having two subscribers in a row that work with hogs is up there. While there's one staring at us on the wall. You say it's a coincidence. While staring at us, or maybe this one person up here is staring at it, looking for ideas. Whichever one, who knows? Well, you know

I work in venues I work in Tommy Dasol no no no it's not that much of a coinkydink because in the

US of A it's actually a little known piece of trivia over 90% of the population work with hogs in some way over 90% oh wow over 90% yeah I population work with hogs in some way

over 90% oh wow 90% yeah I would have thought I would have heard that it sounds unrealistic but it's like the Mandela effect you know like

you think that you've seen people in like big cities and stuff but no like New York actually is like there's like a population of like

a hundred and they all a hundred people that live in New York yeah yeah yeah if you actually if you people that live in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you actually, if you look at photos of New York City,

it's not as big as you think. So glad I don't have to swap this hog in Australia. Your memory has actually tricked you. Wow. But yeah,

so, you know, I massage hogs. Oh, you massage hogs. You massage them. Is that a pre-slop maneuver or a post-slop? I don't know about this slop hog situation. I, you massage hogs? You massage them. Is that a pre-slop maneuver or a post-slop? I don't know about this slop hog situation.

I'm not into it. So you don't use any oils? My hogs are slop free. Right. Okay. You just go in dry. I use a little bit of oil. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Like an olive oil or a body oil. An olive oil. Did you ever try and use any of this oil around your friend Greg Larson and then he just

fucking drank it all? Did he? Did that ever try and use any of this oil around your friend Greg Larson and then he just fucking drank it all? Did that ever happen? Yeah, he does like to drink oil. It's the first time he's tried it. He likes to eat, like he likes to slice. I knew a guy who used to, this is true, who used to slice off... Hang on, did you know this guy or did someone you know know this guy?

Grant knew this guy. Okay, that does make it easier. Who used to slice off like a wedge of cooking fat that was Frymaster cooking fat. And he would slice off like a thick slice, like an inch thick. And then put it on a piece of bread, then put some salt on it, then put it on a piece of bread. And eat it on a piece of bread then put some salt on it then put another piece of bread and eat it like a sandwich. Feel free, by the way, anytime in the future

that you're telling us stories that Greg has told you, feel free to just do an impression of him and just tell the story in his voice. If it makes it easier to get into character. It would have made it easier and I think it would have been funnier because you wouldn't be focusing on the character.

All great stories start with, this guy used to know you, this guy. Yeah. Oh, what's that? I got to go. Oh. Okay, well, thanks, Morgan. My mom died.

Wow, well, condolences. Jesus Christ. Condolences, Morgan. Wow. And scene. And scene. And scene. Yeah, okay. Thank you so much

See You don't need to be dirty To be funny Yeah There was nothing dirty in that That's the first time One of our Patreon subscribers Mums

Has died As we're reading them out Wow Well yeah I've been waiting for the day Where we just get a message From a Patreon subscriber As we're talking about their name Where they're like, guys, please, go easy on me.

My mum just died. My ears are burning. Someone's talking about me while my mum is dying. Well, sorry to hear that, Morgan. Wow. Well, we've had British, we've had American. Can't wait to find out what other nationalities are going to grace us with their presence. What other listeners we have around the world.

We've been really big in China lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, don't worry. Don't worry. India too from what I can see on the ACAST stats page. Yes.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lek Nguyen Lek Nguyen yeah Lek Nguyen yeah

wonder how that would sound how do you spell it L-E-K N-G-U-Y-E-N Lek Nguyen yeah and you know just to

can I just say something quickly yeah before you go into the character yeah so I mean U-Y-E-N. Like Nguyen. Yeah. And, you know, just to... Can I just say something quickly? Yeah. Before you go into the character? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, if... I don't know what made me think of this. But someone could have that name and, you know,

have been born and raised in this country their entire life. I don't believe so, Tommy. I insist upon it, actually. Well, that's the angel and the devil on your shoulder right there. Leck Nguyen. I think that would be a real insult to their culture if you tried to insist upon something like that. Hey, young boys, Leck Nguyen.

Leck Nguyen from Nguyen's Used Vehicles. You don't want a new one, you Lek Nguyen. Lek Nguyen from Nguyen's Used Vehicles. You don't want a new one, you want a Nguyen. Oh, great. Yeah, okay, great. Lek Nguyen. Wow. I just got tingles. I'm fucking good at comedy.

So the Nguyen family, they see Australia and they're like, you know where our last name would make for a great little pun? The beautiful land of Australia. Wow. I mean, I would have gone with used hogs, but anyway. We're doing a campaign down here at Lack Nguyen. Yep. Hang on, the business's name is just your name.

It's Lack Nguyen Toyota and Ford. Oh, right, right, right. Toyota and Ford. Toyota and Ford.ick-Newin, Toyota and Ford. Oh, right, right, right. Toyota and Ford. Toyota and Ford. Lick-Newin, Toyota and Ford. Why get an old one when you can get a new one? Yeah. And we have a campaign for 10% off the Lick-Newin,

the Lick-Newin, Lick-Newin campaign. You Lick-Newin. Yep. You give me a lick and you get 10% off your next vehicle. Strictly Newens. Even if they're gone. You lick a Newen, you get a Newen. Even if they're gone.

You lick a Newen, you get a Newen from Lack Newen. Even if they've been taken out for a test drive, they're immediately sent to the scrappy. If you lick one, shouldn't that be shop-soiled immediately or something? Shouldn't that take the Newen off them? No, lick new one. I'm lick new one. You lick lick new one.

You lick a new one. It's like one of those radio promotions where you have 100 people with their hand on the car and the last one to take theirs off. Everyone has their tongue on the car. No, on lick. On me. On you.

Okay, right. I'm in stirrups. Right. Hanging. Right. Sorry. I just remembered, this one doesn't have to be clean, does it? So please, go back to telling us about the stirrups.

There's nothing dirty about it. I don't understand. You get your mind out of the gutter, mate. This is a promotion based on puns and fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, this is a promotion. I'm not getting anything out of this in a sexual way. No, no, no.

I come in. You come into Lett Newen's Toyota and Ford. Toyota and Ford. And you come in and I'll be suspended from wires from the ceiling with my hands sort of like rotating around. And you come in, give us a lick. Sort of rotating. Yeah, sort of.

I am rotating. Not 360. I'm swinging and, you know, it's like I might be rotating at some point. I am rotating. Not 360. I might be rotating at some point. I might slow down. I'm just going to hang there. Who can lick you if you go too fast? Exactly.

We go at our own pace. Are you clothed? Well, no. I am not naked. I'm wearing undies. Okay, right. I'm wearing undies. Okay, right. I'm wearing full undies. Full undies. Because you need to be able to lick Ewan. Like, you can't...

You don't want to risk... If you're licking my jeans, that's not licking Ewan. That's licking Lek Ewan's jeans. Sure, sure. That is weird. That would be weird. But the undies need to be there just so that, just for, you know... Yeah.

People don't want to go... Because it's not dirty, it's not sexual. It's not sexual. And you don't want people accidentally going in the Bowser zone no no there's no it's a Bowser free zone here at

see you later thanks for coming to the show fair enough fair enough honestly we found the one new one in the in the audience

insulted about the family name sorry about that Mrs. Newen sorry about that but yeah that's my business, that's my business and that's my pleasure.

How is it? How's the promotion going? It's very poorly. It's like it's, yeah, I've had a lot of cops come down. There's been a lot

of drama with the law enforcement. a new car dealership where people come in and they lick the owner must have been impacted by the cosy leads at the moment. It's not new cars, it's used cars.

But I say they're new-uns because they're like new-uns, new-uns. But they're not new. New-uns, yeah. So there's multiple layers of legal issues that I'm dealing with at the moment. The first is with the Fair Trade Commission. that I'm dealing with at the moment. The first is with the Fair Trade Commission. Yeah, okay.

And that's got me in the dumps and I thought I'll boost myself back up with this Lick-New-In, Lick-New-In, Lick-New-In campaign. You couldn't have a more confusing one. And now the cops are on my arse. Right. And they're not licking it. No. It's just a fucking nightmare.

That happens later. They do say if you're in jail, go up to the biggest guy you can find and lick his ass on the first day. I tell you, I have been in jail and it does not work. Oh, you've been in jail? Yeah, yeah, for multiple crimes.

Right, right. Nothing funny or related to this. I just killed a guy. Yeah. No further questions. Just killed a guy, yeah. Boring. Because I just wanted to see what it would be like.

Yeah, yeah. And how was it? I don't know why I've gone down this rabbit hole. I don't know why I said that. Lick your way out. Yeah. Stop working, mate. Anyway, I've I gotta get back to work I got

The detectives Oh wait Yeah I will be there soon detective My mum has just died Oh Jesus My mum has just died Oh no

It's going around I'll see you guys later Oh no What a tragic end It's Wow It's the new It's the new pandemic Yeah Wow Oh no. What a tragic end. It's the new pandemic.

Yeah. Wow. What a way to go. Well, thanks, Leck. How many more names are there? Well, look, there's two, but you're only going to need to do that one more time. Not to pull back the curtain too much. I don't know.

Two's fine. Well, let's see. All right, here we go. more time not to pull back the curtain too much but I don't know two is fine well let's see you know alright here we go this is actually this person's name thank you as opposed to

well the last yeah imagine elect new ones sponsoring us thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Billy Henry the First.

Billy Henry the First. So that's just Billy Henry. Yeah. Well, unless there's a second that he needs to sort of, you know, make sure he... Oh, right. He might have like... Capital to be here, chaps. Oh!

Billy Henry the First. Oh, another... Such a wonderful time to be here. Another fucking get out of jail free card for Greg. Oh goodness. What a manor from heaven. Billy Henry I. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Thanks for being here. Wow, our first Brit on the show. Yeah, yeah. Yes. The other one was from Wales. I don't know if you could tell. Right. Thanks for being here Wow our first Brit on the show Yeah yeah Yes The other one was from Wales I don't know if you could tell Right Yeah we could

Well no he wasn't from Wales He was from America With a weird accent Yeah exactly That was the whole premise That was the premise Of the bloody thing But you're a bonafide

You're a bonafide British No I'm British I'm English I'm royalty I'm Billy Henry You're royalty Billy Henry I, yes. What form of royalty?

I am part of the royal family. What part? The big one that they have over there. How high up? I'm next in line for the throne. Oh, really? Yes, yes. I would have thought I would have heard of you.

No, no. They've swept me under the rug. A little bit like, I'm the spare spare. You know, when Harry said he was the spare, I'm the spare spare. Right. So are you related to Prince Charles? Yes, in a way. In a way, we're all related in some way.

In which way are you? I am. I hang around. I'm going to need an answer. I am always around. A really firm one. I'm hanging around him all the time yeah but in what way

are you related I was born from Prince Charles' dick right was that so hard was that so hard they swept me under the rug because I'm the first baby

in human history to be born out of a dick oh yeah and the royal family thought that was unbecoming yeah they wouldn't want that that's why I'm the first Prince Charles the first doesn't, they wouldn't want that. That's why I'm the first.

Prince Charles. The first doesn't mean I'm the first of my name. It means I'm the first out of a dick. Baby born out of a dick. It's very unusual for a baby to be born out of a dick. I remember reading about this now. Prince Charles drank some dog cum. Yeah, that's correct.

And then. Yes, that's why I I'm for the listeners at home I'm very hairy yeah and I pretty much look like a dog yeah if you can imagine

someone that looked like Greg Larson but hairy if you can imagine that yeah so I was born out of a dick I do remember this episode of The Crown

I thought that that was when they sort of started making shit up They said, Elizabeth, there's been a child born out of Charles' dick and she said, cool Chuck it in the bin and they put me in a bin

and they put me off into the water Have you seen the movie Willow? With Val Kilmer and Warren Davis I don't think I'll ever be able to now. It's actually a very good movie. It's a George Lucas movie. Very criminally underrated.

I think you would like Willow. They made that series of it recently, right? I don't know if that's good. I didn't really watch the series. I'll watch Willow. I'm getting the flights. I was like Willow the baby. There was a baby that came into Willow's hands.

I was like that but a dog man. And I floated all the way to Australia. Oh, really? Yes, yes, yes. Where I was raised. I've got to say, you look great for a dog man. Thank you so much. I was raised by TV's Burt Newton.

Oh, wow, okay. Wow. That's an interesting story. Yeah. Australia's King Charles. It almost sounds like, I know it sounds like, you know,

the kind of story, it's so incredulous, it almost sounds like you're making it up on the spot. Yeah, it sounds too good to be true. Yeah, I know. I'm almost looking around the room looking for pictures of Burt Newton

that could have inspired this, but... No, no, no, it is all true. Why would I say Burt Newton if it wasn't true you're right you stumped me and so then I then I thought

one day I'll come on the Dum Dum podcast and announce myself to the world well no you've been the conceit is that you've been a Patreon

subscriber for a long time I have been a Patreon subscriber it's not the conceit it's the fact yeah yeah sorry so how did you discover the podcast? Was Bert aware

of the Dum Dum Club? Bert was a huge fan. Was he? Damn. He was the bald king. He says, I wish those boys would call me.

He would sit by the phone every day, waiting. Oh, that's devastating. Weeping into his handkerchief, wishing that he could come on the Dum Dum Club

that's a club, he said that's the club I want to join yeah, that's a shame we could have had Bert and then he passed us as we know and then I lived in the Shawcross Pizza

oh, you live across the road from where we are right now yeah we're in a bin out there in a bin yep yeah okay that's where I live and then I

so you're a dog just to recap I'm a dog you're a dog man that was born out of a dick you floated over to Australia Prince Charles' dick Prince Charles' dick

you're overlooking that you've you've floated over to Australia from the UK and then you were raised by Burt Newton. And you now live in a bin out the back of Shawcross Pizza on Brunswick Street.

Yeah, that about sums it up. That sums it up. I mean, I'm skimming over. It's a boring story. Not that interesting a story. I mean, we've all got stuff on. Well, I mean, it's not interesting to you because you lived it.

Surely you can understand how to anyone on the outside looking in. They'd find that quite fascinating. Well, yes, indeed. You've really held on to that accent considering you've sent across as a baby from England as well. Yes. Yes. Before you learned how to speak.

Bert was obviously a master of accents. He knew I was royalty, so he put on an accent. He taught you the English accent? He taught me the English accent. Wow. Was there any friction between you and Bert's son, Matthew? And let me remind you, you're under oath. This is not Greg saying it

this is Billy Henry the first so you can say whatever you want I am you live in a bin you can't get not a good bloke

that Matthew I once gave him a roundhouse kick you bashed him yeah well I do karate I do karate is that where

he got the idea from I do that no it is true that is actually where they got the idea from? I do. Yeah. No, it is true. That is actually where they got the idea for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because when I was a teenager... From you? From you?

From a dog boy. From a British dog boy. British dog man. From a British dog boy. And there was a comic book guy that came to one of my karate demonstrations. And he thought, great, this is great. I'll make a comic book of this. But then he thought thought Teenage Mutant

Ninja Dogs doesn't have the quite right ring to it so then he submitted Dogs for Turtles but you know you get the idea I was the inspiration

and you were living in the bin out the back of Shawcross so that's where they love pizza yeah right so that's

where that comes from I'm trying to help you it all cracks yes it's all fl clicking into place. And I once ran across America. Yeah, okay. And I was estranged from the woman I wanted to marry called Jenny.

Yep. Yep. Yeah. Oh, no, nothing as interesting as your life just happened. Yep. Yep. Yeah. What? Oh no, nothing as interesting as your life just happened. Don't worry.

Don't worry. Life is like a box of chocolates. Life is like a pizza in the bin. You never know what you're going to get. It's fucked.

Well, you do know what you're going to get. You're going to get a fucked pizza. A bit of pizza that's fucked. Life is like a baby coming out of Prince Charles' dick.

It hurts. And it's disappointing. Oh, well, thanks, Billy Henry. Thank you. Oh, I've just got a call. Oh, no. Oh, no. My grandmother is dead.

She's been dead for a while. It's gifted generation. Hey, great. Welcome back. Thanks for having me. That was a fucking... That was a great one. If only you had been here for the last half hour.

This has been quite a ride. That's the disappointing thing. It's like George Lucas can never enjoy Star Wars. Right. Very comparable. I can never enjoy Star Wars. Right. Very comparable. I can never... You're right. I can never sit back

and actually just enjoy listening to Billy Henry. You're right. This has been the Jar Jar Binks of comedy. So when Star Wars is playing, that's also George Lucas just up there on the screen

so he can't watch himself. Yeah. Is that what's happening? Yeah. Right. In a way. Yeah. It's just's happening? Yeah. Right. In a way. Yeah. It's just the artist

can never enjoy his art this way. I wish I could be you right now to experience what just happened. Yeah. Anyway. It's a watershed moment.

Yeah. In what way? Just in a way that like I'm really sweet. This feels like it's gone for so long that is because it has it's barely been an hour

that is a long time for something like this well true for something like this yeah I guess you are the one doing a lot of the work we're getting the decision to go and then what

what would you say to this curveball that I'm deliberately saying to fuck you up? Hey, hey, hey, I looked up five names before this. I did work. Well, yeah, half the audience had come in and you were like, oh, fuck, I'd better get the names. There's more than half. So.

Well, we just, we better. We better, we better. People have got plans. And also we know that, you know, someone, you know, like letting a spirit into their body, it is plans. And also we know that, you know, someone, you know, like letting a spirit into their body, it is draining. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we better just do one more instead of the other 15 we had planned. One last name. Just five this week. One last name of an actual person who subscribed to us on Patreon.

So thank you very much. And sometimes, Greg, what happens at this bit is that it's like, by weird coincidence, it's someone whose name is sort of like a reference to something that we've just been talking about. Huh?

Have you never noticed that? I've never listened to this show. Oh, right. Okay. Sorry. Go on. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Okay. All right. So, right. There's just like a little addendum to this one. An addendum? Yeah. Yeah. It just says, when you read my name out, please. right there's just like a little addendum to this one an addendum yeah yeah it just says

when you read my name out please I was born in India oh raised in India right I have a very strong

Indian accent and to do any other voice would really be an insult to my continent they wrote that down not even knowing

what episode they'd get that out on. Tommy. That's crazy. Isn't it? That's, yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber

Mahatma Comedy. Shh. The artist is thinking I've got it Wait What's that? What's that? Wait, sorry? I've just got a text here. Ovarian laryngitis.

Oh, no. I've just got a text here from the New Delhi General Hospital. Manhattan Company's mother has just taken a turn for the worse. Oh, no. I've heard that that can cause loss of voice in some cases when the other family find out. That is a tragedy. Oh, wow.

Much like the rest of this episode, that is a tragedy. Oh, wow. Wow, okay, well, we tried. Oh, jeez, I just saw Mahatma Khamenei running past. He was so excited. He was so excited to be on his favourite podcast. I know. He had a speaking role in this episode and everything.

Of all the fucking shames of this podcast. Oh, well. Oh, well. Win some, you lose some. It's a funny old life. Sometimes you're bloody walking around and the next thing you know you're a turtle shell on a wall. Yeah, from before. All right, well, thank you're a turtle shell on a wall yeah from before

so alright well thank you Greg give a big round of applause Greg Larson Greg Larson thank you everyone who supports the show on Patreon

thank you guys for being here thank you to the Creators of Habit bar and band room for having us yes thanks very much

for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates see you next time. See you, Mavs. See you in Samui.