The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 10 - Luke Mcgregor

Episode Date: December 28, 2010

Kris Kringle, Speed dating and Autotune. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates! Welcome aboard! Straight off the gun! I haven't even introduced you yet and you're already hanging shit on the show. Obviously listened before to the show I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every day, every day. Jesus! Imagine that, get out! Sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to what is already a very odd episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name, as always, is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is a very festive Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Ho, ho, ho. Yeah.

This is our final show of the year. We're excited. We've got a lot of good festive stuff to talk about. And at the end of the program, we have a very special treat, an end-of-year sign-off, if you will. I guess this afternoon is a very funny pal of ours who you may be familiar with him from ragging shit on our theme song about a minute ago.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Luke McGregor. Yeah! Thanks for having me. Welcome to your first listen of this show ever. We'll kill two birds with one stone. Be on it for the first time and listen to it for the first time. I'll give you a review at the end. Are you even listening to us now?

No. I've got this music in my head. The listeners can't tell this, but he's got cotton wool. I've got the Ricky Gervais gun going in my head. So you're a bit of a well-known from the podcast circuit in Australia at the moment. You've been on the Nova Summer Lovin' podcast with Tony Martin and Ed Cavalli, and now this pretty much is the circuit. It's sort of podcasts that have guests.

It's better than us. Well-known within about 40 people. Yeah, yeah. I just want to get on the two main ones and I'll stop. Yeah, yeah. And how's this comparing so far? Oh, very good. From what I've heard of you on their show, you seem to like their theme song a little

bit more. Theirs was, well, it was done by professionals. To be, yeah, well, hey. You can't write that one up. No, to be fair, they've actually made their own one. We've just sort of illegally used a song on my iPod. And when he says we, we mean Daslo has just picked his favourite song and I've gone, okay.

Yeah, but you've grown to love it now, eh? You're whistling it all the time when we hang out. I do like it. And Luke McGregor is always going, what the fuck is that? That sounds shit. Stop doing that near me. So festive mates, eh? It's the end of the year. I'm crying. So festive mates, hey? It's the end of the year.

It's Christmas. I'm curious, what does a Luke McGregor do for the festive season? A lot of charity work, mostly. And as you guys know, we're all there helping out. Yeah, down at the soup kitchen. You've got a festive little strawberry milkshake you've brought in. Yeah, doing a podcast from the soup kitchen. Not helping.

Get them away from here. Yeah, no, I just, we had a, I'm from Tassie, so we had an orphan's Christmas at a friend's house. We're all from Tassie and no one else was invited. Actually, the two of them were. And you killed all your parents just to make it. Yeah, we killed them all. And then, yeah, just had a Kris Kringle and I wrote my name on the card.

I don't think, you're supposed to keep it secret, I think. You are definitely meant. That is the whole point of it. You accidentally leave it on if it's a good present. I really made a mess of it. So what did you get and what did you receive? It was a $20 minimum, but I kicked it up to $31. Oh, I wonder you whacked your name on it.

I hate that guy in the Kris Kringle that flies in the face of the minimum. I've got a little bit of money behind me now. I've got a horror comic for a friend. Didn't you like him very much? I just always buy gifts that are something that I would, if I don't know what they would like. If you think someone's a little bit fussy, then of course you would buy them a horror comic.

Well, it's something I would like to get, so I like to share my interest with them. Just remember, not everyone are dickheads. Yeah, some people out there actually like the theme song to this show. So that was your contribution. Yeah. That cost $31. $31. On the review was that it's not often you read a comic that makes you scared of shadows

I think that's true I reckon it's often I read a comic that makes me scared at all I was reading that I would have thought That's a perfect opportunity to not buy this I don't want to read a comic And I don't want to be scared of shadows Why did I read this?

The only thing Unless it's 12 o'clock I'm shitting my dicks Don't read it everyone The only thing I'm scared of when I read this? They warned me. The only thing, I read comics. Unless it's 12 o'clock, I'm shitting my dacks. Don't read it, everyone. The only thing I'm scared of when I read comics is looking like a child. That's, a comic has never properly scared no one. Well, look, you don't need the comic book for that, Dazzler. Thanks, mate.

Good share. Merry Christmas. Is that your Kris Kringle? I've put my name on that one to be fair. I see music back on. So, okay, I'm guessing it was like a trade paperback style. It was a Stephen King short story adapted into a graphic novel, and I just slipped through.

You read it before you gave it to the person? Did the comic book come alive? It did. I just slipped through because I didn't have time to read it, so I just went to what I considered to be the scariest pictures in the comic book. That was pretty scary. Is that what you do in books? You go ahead to the scariest words in the book and you can see?

I read that paragraph. Slaughtered. That's hard. Have you guys read a horror book before? No, not really. I've read a couple of Stephen King's. Yeah, it works. When I first, because I liked horror movies,

so I read a horror book and thinking, how are they going to make that scary? And then the monster appeared. The monster was very scary looking, as you can imagine. That's how he writes it, as you can imagine. I won't bore you with the details, but you can probably imagine. There's just a blank page there for you to draw it yourself.

But it works. Like, it's scarier than the film. Like, Eat, I watched the film when I was a kid, but I read the book, you know, as a grown adult, and I was wetting myself, you know. I wasn't. Your prime contribution to this show is anytime someone references them as being an adult,

you go, well. Yeah, that's true. My money, Marnie Joyce bought me, we had a $50 minimum for family, so she bought me five $10 movies and they were all terrible. They were $10, 10 in one movie packs. So she said, you've got, here's 50 movies. Right. I didn't, I mean, I say they're terrible.

It's not like I watched every film, got to 48, and I'm like, oh, the next one's going to be good. But I did watch one of them. Is it like Bushwhacked and Mouse Hunt and all that? Yeah, it's like a monster with bad special effects or a thriller. The Lion King 8 with none of the original lines in it. It's not even about lines anymore. Yeah.

In the city, Timon and Pumbaa. Yeah. Yeah, so. Oh, and we had, but the other one, the other gifts were good. I still think the horror comics, I don't know. You've got to. Crap. Me too.

You've got to expand your horizons. So who, in your opinion, did you win, Chris Kringle? I think so. Oh. Oh. Well, the other good ones, what did other people get? They were better. I think I won, but the other ones were better.

My whole victory. One time at Christmas, I did this thing early on in my relationship. Don't mean to brag, guys. But I did a thing. I thought I was going to be like the romance king, and I did the whole 12 days of Christmas thing. So I went, right, I'm going to give her something every day for 12 days. It's going to be like a nice gift every day.

So that will be my thing. And I started doing it, and I was like giving these presents to her in front of people, and they were all like impressed. Oh, this guy is so romantic, all these presents every day. And like I'd give her her a DVD that she really liked and then a small box of chocolates and a little brooch or something. And then as it went on, I'm like, yeah, I'm kicking it. I'm killing this thing.

I'm doing it pretty well. And then she started going, yeah, this is great. Can't wait to get my big final present. And I'm like, hang on a minute. I'm giving you a heap of little cool presents. That's the present. Yeah, but there's a big present at the end. I'm like, why would there be a big present at the end? I would have just given you

a big present. I didn't need to spend a couple hundred bucks on 11 other presents. So then I had to give her a big present at the end. I didn't. I just had to do it. I didn't buy her a bloody bracelet or something at the end of it. As well as 11 fucking things. Not that I don't believe you just had to do it. I didn't borrow a bloody bracelet or something at the end of it, as well as 11 fucking things.

Not that I don't believe you, but the idea of you as a romantic is so inconceivable to me that I just picture your little present being like her favourite movie on DVD and she opens it up and there's no disc in there. There's just a note saying, You're a dickhead. I'm different from that. Behind closed doors.

This is all an act. Yeah, you've mentioned this to me before and I'm fascinated to that Behind closed doors This is all an act Yeah you've mentioned this to me before And I'm fascinated to see it Yeah I wouldn't be as fascinated for you to see it Romantic Chandler Nah I'm alright I'm not that bad

Well what else Another thing was My girlfriend got given by her Her brother and sister-in-law She got given this White owl Plaster owl this white owl, plaster owl. It's just a plaster owl. It's about a foot big.

It's one of the worst presents I've ever seen anyone get. It's so bad. And it's stuck on our mandelpiece thing now, and it's so ugly. It's the worst present. It's so bad you can't exchange it, like we were talking about exchanges, but you couldn't give that to someone else. You couldn't, yeah, you can't re-gift that. so bad you can't exchange it. We were talking about exchanges, but you couldn't give that to someone else. You couldn't. Yeah, you can't re-gift that.

The Salvos wouldn't want it. Yeah, we hate it so much that if we tried to re-gift it, we would imagine that hate would then pass on to us. You've just got to give it to someone that you're fine with never talking to. No, I'm going to smash it. I'm going to take great pleasure in smashing it. Drop it off the balcony. This is how bad it is.

I'm going to take great pleasure in smashing it. Drop it off the balcony. But this is how bad it is. Their son, the son of my girlfriend's brother and sister-in-law, their son goes up to it as it's being unwrapped, and the son's like one and a half years old. The son goes, oh, is that, do we get to paint that now? Is that one of those ones?

Like it's from the Plaster Funhouse? Of course he's too young to know about that. But even a one and a half year old can pick it. That is a shit present. An 18 month year old kid can say that present is not finished mummy. And what, does your girlfriend particularly enjoy owls? No. How would you go into

a shop and go, oh that is so Diane, that unfinished owl. That is, oh, I want to see it. Can you get a photo of it? Oh, Harry half-assed owl. Oh, that's good. That's very good. One of the worst presents.

Well, I don't know if this is interesting at all, but you were. Sorry. Sorry. Well, it's the first time for everything. Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Classical. It's not what the holidays are about, guys.

Sorry. We were hanging out on Thursday night, so Christmas Eve. Oh, name dropper. And you were... You bore witness to my mad last-minute stress trying to make a Christmas present happen. It was beautiful. Do you think the listeners will care about this? Yeah.

Is this a tell? It's great. Well, okay, to paint a picture for the listeners, I was trying to get my girlfriend tickets to see a band called The National. They're playing in early January at the Palais Theatre. A gig was sold out, so I got on Gumtree, replied to a couple of ads. They wrote back saying no go. Finally, I tracked this girl down.

She says, I was saying if you still got the tickets, and she said, yeah, my friend might be keen. How much can you offer? I said this much. She said cool. Finally, I transferred the money. She's like, when the money comes through, I'll email you the tickets. So we're at Soft Belly Bar on Thursday night just hanging out, having some beers, and email comes through with the ticket attached in a PDF.

I'm like, hey, cool, the ticket just came through. It was two. Is there another one? And she's like, no, no, it was just one. The auction was just for one ticket. I'm like, why did you let me pay that much money for just the one ticket? And she's like, oh, I thought you knew. I just thought you really wanted to go.

I'm like, why would I pay double the price for one ticket? So I'm now flipping out because it's the night before Christmas Eve and now I'm going to have to somehow find two goddamn tickets on Christmas Eve. And look, I'd had a few beers. You'd had a few beers as well. I'd had quite a few beers. Which had magnified the alarm. I've got bruises all over my leg, which have come from, I can only assume, kicking chairs over in a blind rage.

You did start rolling on the ground at several stages. Yeah, because my back's done too. Yeah, and at one point, who was there? Previous guest Nick Cody, Tom Ballard. Many friends of the show. Yeah, Danny McGinley was there. You were there, but you'd left. Oh, you Ballard. From just many friends of the show. Yeah, Danny McGinley was there. You were there, but you'd left. Oh, you missed out.

Sorry. And Carl and we, you guys decided to get up on the stage and turn the mic on and have a bit of a roast of me. Yeah, which you hosted. This is the Soft Billy. This is what that onesies was about. Yeah, yeah. So what happened was-

Were you not listening to the podcast again when I said that we weren't Soft Billy at the start of the story? Sorry, sorry. He kicked into Carl Pilkington again. So what happened was Tommy Daslow hosted our little drunken gig that we did. He brought up all of the members of the show that we just got up and started ragging on Daslow for a couple of minutes each. And about how he messed up with the tickets and whatever. There were some great calls.

Well, mine was what? I think I have some great calls. Well, mine was what? There were some great calls, mine was. Well, he said great. You know, yours was the highlight. I said, I got up there and said, well, look, everyone, Tommy Daslow, the host, give it up for the host. A lot of people say that he's arrogant. A lot of people say that he's got ticket on himself. Very good.

And then Ballard got up and started singing, because I got a golden ticket. And then Nick Cody followed that with, to be fair, Daslow probably didn't recognize who Ballard was because he's been trying to listen to him on single J. No, no, seriously, guys. Who are we all going to vote for in the hottest one? Yeah, and then I felt pretty bad about myself, so I got Hungry Jacks,

and that did nothing to relieve the stress. I got up the next morning very hungover and just like, right, okay, I've got to somehow get a ticket. I've got to find a ticket. I've got to make something happen. I checked my email, and I've got an email from Tom Ballard, email from Tom Ballard with a ticket in the subject line, and I'm thinking, oh, yes, he's come through.

I open it up. No, no, it's a group email that's gone out to everyone that was there drinking the night before going, all right, guys, I felt like this deserved a group email. So I look forward to seeing what everyone else comes up with. Hey, Dazzalo, I really appreciate my Christmas gift of one Lord of Leaping. Anyone else? And then he called me about ten minutes later and went, hey, what are you doing?

And I went, well, at the moment I'm walking down to Bunnings to get some hose to put in the exhaust of my car and just fucking turn the gas on is what I'm up to at the moment. What happened? He was able to get us a ticket at all. It was very good. It was fine. It was all good.

Boring. It was all good. Yeah, yeah. I thought the next one was going to be a a ticket at all. It was very good. It was fine. It was all good. Boring. It was all good. Yeah. Yeah. I thought the next one was going to be a break into the concert story. But it's still good. Oh, no. I'm single now.

Yeah. I fucked up Christmas. Well, so my Christmas day, I went back and saw my folks. And my folks live a couple of hours out of town. I was talking about my brother the other week. Oh, here we go. He's another tiny little portrait of the Chandler family. younger they don't get along you would know that if you'd listen yeah it's on a previous episode you know you know yeah previously on the little dum-dum club me

brothers i can't i'm caught up yeah and we're back um so i went and saw my folks because there's two children in the family. So the folks are back there. So I went back as the good son. Went back and had Christmas lunch with them. Brother didn't. He stayed in Melbourne and had Mexican for lunch. Yeah? Yeah. Well, you know what they say. Christmas is a time for giving. It's a Mexican for lunch. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, you know what they say. Christmas is a time for giving. It's a time for families. It's a time for burritos. That is the three. Is the whole family not getting along with him? No, no, no. My parents are lovely.

But yeah, he's just done that one, just pulled that one out. Has he got a girlfriend or wife? He's got a wife, yeah. Right, right. So they've just stayed's just done that one, just pulled that one out. Has he got a girlfriend or a wife? He's got a wife, yeah. Right, right. So they've just stayed up and done that. Does the wife not get along with the parents? No, everything's good. How do you get along with the wife?

Foreign. Best friends. She's going to come in here later. Okay, good. Oh, it's second-guess style like last week. So you two both, you've got a partner now as well, Tommy? Yes. I'm the only one left.

No, what about you? What's going on with you and the ladies? Well, I mean, I don't know if you've already talked about this, but me and you went speed dating. We did go speed dating. No, I don't think we have talked about it on here. We talk about you most weeks here. You wouldn't know.

We talk about you or we talk about speed dating. Here's the thing. I found it hard to get off there. Like after we went that one time, I was still on their mailing list and I would still get all these emails every week. It was like, yeah, I was a mob. I couldn't get out. I love it.

I want to hear all about this speed dating. I've never done it, but I think it would be, I don't know. What was it like? I guess it's four minutes and there were 13 boys and 14 girls. We were lucky. Yeah. One guy pulled out, gave us good odds, which we definitely took advantage of. Very successful.

No, it was – That would be awesome if everyone did hook up, and there was just that one girl watching 13 couples get on. Too bad. Just a massive, this is the best scene ever. And that one girl's like, this is the worst possible thing

that could have ever happened. I think we need to have a threesome. I would bring her on board. Oh, big of you. But yeah, so it's four, it's just four minutes each and you go from table to table to table

and me, Tommy and I went and two other comedians. And we were all single. We had some mates who wanted to come who had girlfriends, but we thought that would be two. No, not we, just you. I didn't give a shit if they came.

I just thought they'd be too comfortable, too relaxed, because they'd already have someone on board. We sort of didn't plan it well enough, because I initially thought going in as a comedian slash performer slash whatever would give you a bit of a – you'd have an edge. You'd have an angle. And also the four of us were all sat in a row. So we – if you were – because I had a friend of the show, Tommy Little, was before me. And then I think I had Oliver Clark, also a friend of the show, after me.

Yeah, but you gave us up. We were going to keep it a secret and you gave us up. I don't ever remember. Oh, what were you telling people? You were telling people you were a fireman, weren't you? I said Dr. Fireman. Dr. Fireman. That was your name or your profession?

I was a doctor who did, what is it, volunteer firemen. I like the name, Dr. Fireman. Dr. Fireman. I'm just so good at it. I'm going to use that. I'm literally writing that down It was Because that was more

Well it was either that It was I use fireman Volunteer doctor No it was the other way It was And it was It was good

Because it gave them It gave you something Because they knew I was I wasn't I wasn't So it gave you something to talk about I guess Yeah

What do you rely on? You want to be trusted Yeah I wasn't. So it gave you something to talk about, I guess. What? You're a liar. You want to be trusted. You did a very good one early on in the night. We were there and just when you rock up, they give you sort of the big spiel about how it all works. And the guy goes, okay, now you've got your cards that are after each date. You sort of fill out some details so you can remember them

and then you've got date, which is if you want to see them again and have a date with them, friend, which is if you just want to see them again but just in a friend's context, or no, if you just don't want to see them again at all. And from the back of the room, McGregor yells out, you don't even want to be their friend! Which, when you think about it, it is kind of brutal. Because my odds, my stats at the end were not very good. So there were like ten girls who didn't want to be my friend. I'm like, oh, well, you've missed out on a lot of horror comics coming your way.

Let's talk about this because I caught up with you a couple of weeks afterwards and you had had a couple of date matches. I got two and two friends. Okay, and there was... And two friends. Okay, and tell me what... Repeat to the listeners what you said to one of the date girls who lived a little bit far out of town. Oh, it was... And she wanted to catch up with you.

It was only because... Oh, this is going to be good. And she said, I'll come into the city and we can meet up. And then what did you say? Oh, I was... It was... I said to her... I said, Andy, I was just trying to keep it easy, casual.

Don't worry about coming into the city unless you're already coming in for something, and then I'll just come into the city and we'll catch up. It was quite long. What a Casanova. I did that because... That's such a cliche. Like, she must have smelt that a mile away that you were just a player. No, I did that because she lived a mile, she lived a long way away.

That's the new come up and see my etchings. No, no, no, it was come up and see my etchings. Oh, I have some really good ones, all right. Come and see my horror comics. Yeah. Oh, hang on, I gave them away. I've got 50 DVDs. It was, she lived miles away, and on the card you had to write down everyone, what you thought

of everyone. So like, bit of a weirdo, or very attractive. No, I found your card at the end of the night where you'd written stuff down about girls. The only things you'd written down about were two. You'd written about two. One of them was interested in UFOs, and then about halfway down the page of the other one was big boobs. The only commentary.

A girl had written that, though. If only you could combine the two in one girl. I'll never find it. But no, it was a girl had said it here. A weirdo with a big rack. Dating profile. One of the girls had got my form and said, here, I'll write something down for you. Because I felt weird writing something down while they were in front of me.

And she wrote down big boobs. And I'm like, oh, that's pretty funny. But then I left it there. And then the next girl read it and goes, oh, big boobs, eh? Well, I guess I'm out. I'm like, no, they're fine. It wasn't me. It was this horrible...

They're fine? It was this horrible. They're fine? It was this horrible. It was this horrible. And that just went on. I know he sort of tried to cross it out, and you can still read. It was, yeah. They're not that big, Bart. Do they fly in the sky and have flashing lights?

Look, if you like UFOs, I'll let it go. Well, the UFO girl, I remember her. If you have aliens in your tits, it's all good. Well, the UFO girl, I remember her. If you have aliens in your tits, it's all good. Because the UFO girl, my friend Pete also came along, and his first date of the night was with her, and then you get a break halfway through.

And I was like, oh, have you been on dates with her so far? That's been good. He's like, oh, this chick at the start who's into UFOs is really cool. And I'm quite into that stuff myself. So she was telling everyone she was into UFOs? Yeah, I guess so. She was big about that. But by the time I got to her, it was the end of the night.

Because my friend was like, yeah, she's probably my favorite date I've been on so far. She was really cool. By the time I got to her, it was the end of the night. And she'd gotten absolutely fucked. Like, she was so drunk. Spastic on the Martian juice. Yeah, could not string a sentence together. Spilt a glass of wine. Maybe she was talking Martian.

Got any more? No. Took her home and gave her a probe, didn't I? Jeez. You identified that object. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, like, yeah, here's the thing. At the time, I thought it would thought it would be because again part of my head just goes what are some funny ways that you could fuck with this thing like to make it a bit weird um i thought it would be really funny to go if you had a partner to go with the partner but pretend that you didn't know each other and then ideally your dates would sync up halfway through like you'd go on a few each and you just from the second you start your date just start making out. Yeah. Just like full going each other.

That's awesome. Yeah. And then when I got to- Yeah, properly. When I got together with my girlfriend- Big boobs, mouthies. I told her that. I was like, how funny would it be to do that?

And she's like, yeah, let's do it. So if you want to go again- Well, what if you fell in love with someone else in front of your partner? Jeez, that would be awkward. And what if I was the one who really liked your partner and then was us making out? How awkward would that be? No, she lives too far out for you. Okay.

She'd never bother coming into the city for any other reason. That's true. That's true. She hates being scared when she's reading as well. I'd be keen, but you would knock, or your girlfriend would knock one of the girls out of the park, which could have been my soulmate, but couldn't get tickets because your girlfriend's there. The thing was, the thing that's kind of weird about it is that you find that there's people there for sort of different reasons.

Like we were all there as a group of mates to have fun and fuck around. And I would kind of say that because that was my first question to most people for a little bit was, you know, why are you here? You know, what's led you to speed dating? Yeah. And then they'd say the same thing to me and I'd go, oh, just a bunch of mates having fun, just fucking around, seeing what happens. You know, why are you here? And they'd go, oh, it's a bunch of mates having fun, just fucking around, seeing what happens. Why are you here?

And they'd go, I'm here to find a partner for life. And it's kind of this, you sort of feel like you're hanging shit on them a little bit by sort of just going. Because there were some single people just there by themselves had been a couple of times. Dude, that was, yeah. Just on a hunt. I could never do that. I could never go on my own.

It's hard. I don't know what I was expecting, whether I was, but part of me, a little part of me did think, well, my wife heard of this, Solma. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe I did, but she was... She looked too far away. Yeah. I didn't...

I couldn't remember what she looked like. That's pretty shallow. Yeah. Well, yeah, I got a couple of... I got a couple of matches and I could... You should have written her chest size. Shit, I wasn't going to think of that. A group of us, you came with us afterwards, didn't we?

We went out to a bar and a couple of the girls came with us. Yeah, and they were the ones who said no. Didn't even want to be friends. Yeah, that was it. Look who's come crawling back. A friend of the show made out with one of them. And then the next day he hadn't put her down as a match. It was crazy.

Yeah. Shows you that form doesn't say anything. It did show us. Great point. Yeah, I would go again. I think I'm going to hold out and see if I can meet someone. I don't know how. The old-fashioned way over the internet.

Yeah, exactly. What about entertainment? Would you do? Because I was talking to someone about this. I used to do it. Really? Yeah, I had a profile. Oh, it's an embarrassing thing now.

Why? In Tassie it was called, I had no photo, and it was called Get to Know You First with a two instead of a TWI. Oh, well, who's got time to spell two out these days? I didn't. And it was just so bad. And then I just thought, I'll just make a profile that is just what I'd like in a woman. Horror comics.

Yeah, and then have nothing about myself. Similar postcode. Yeah, similar postcode. And then I got a couple of hits. I just had, like, I am very rich and I can cook really well, but obviously I don't want you cooking most of the time. I just made it so far out that hopefully they'll know this is a joke. Sarcasm travels real well on the internet.

Yeah, I just thought if they don't realise this is a joke. And that you've got no photo as well. Yeah, no photo. And I got some hits back. Did you go on any dates? No, that's not true. I met one girl and we didn't get along very well. Well.

You didn't turn up in your limousine. When you asked her if she could pay for the dinner. Yeah. It was hard. You've got to... They had a little... They had an event where you got someone's phone number who was just a random match-up from the site, and they just matched a couple of your interests, and since my interests were quite weird

because I'd sort of made them fall out as a joke, I got a girl who we didn't have a lot in common. And then you just had to hang with them at the dance. Then they had this sort of dance sort of party, this Know You thing. Oh, so it was an official get to know you party. It was, yeah. And for three days you tested.

Oh, I thought you meant that was your username. Get to know you first was my username. Right. But they had a party later on. What? That was your username, get to know you first. Yeah, but that wasn't the name of the website. That was my username.

Why? That's why it was so lame. It was so dumb. It was. That's why I was so lame. It was so dumb. It was. That's why I was embarrassing. I'm not saying it's still. It's not like this is last year. This was years ago.

Back in the days when being an idiot was in. Yeah, that was great back then. Get to know you first. I'm a millionaire called get to know you first. He wants to get to know them before he marries them just to make sure that they're not just after his millions. He's got to take what their cooking is like first. Yeah, before I give you my real name.

And it was Tassie. Tassie's too small to... Right. And anyway, what they did was... That must be hard for you to knock back chicks in Tassie, was it not? It was Tassie. Tassie's too small to... Right. And anyway, what they did was... That must be hard for you to knock back chicks in Tassie because there's no one that lives far enough away for you to go, oh, don't bother coming in. It's true.

I just smiled like it was just 10 or 15 minutes or there was a bus involved. Sorry, I can't do that. And they... But it was three days in advance you got their phone number so you could text them then talk to them and then you met them

in person and then just had a really awkward three hours hanging out forced to hang out with them it was hard and not to say that

you know she didn't impress me I wasn't doing much to win her over I was I'm making myself sound like I'm

just for the listeners out there I'm not very attractive just so you don sound like I'm, just for the listeners out there, I'm not very attractive. Just so you don't think I'm really attractive. I look ridiculous. That's not true. That is not true. And then this, yeah, and we just, and I just, in speed dating it was fine. Four minutes, I'm not, you can't get awkward in five minutes.

It's impossible. There's not enough time. Was there a lot of things where she was like saying, how are your shares going? Yeah, just... Can I see your wallet? Yeah. Why are you wearing a...

What have you got on you right now? Why are you wearing a No Fear T-shirt instead of a tuxedo? How come you got off on the bus? I'm in the bus company. Is that bandana some form of top hat I don't know about? It was awkward. I think that's the reason I'm single is I can't. You're a liar.

Because you're not a billionaire. You're a liar. It's mostly the untruth. I'm a billionaire fireman doctor. And you can't even cook. That's the test to see if they still like me when they realize I'm not a fireman doctor. And that's the one, you know. And they're like, no, I don't care about all the doctor and all the charity work.

If they still like you when they find out you're a pathological liar, then she's it. You guys are already missing away. It looks bad. Well, maybe we can do a call-out. Any ladies out there that, you know. Any listeners of the show. Anyone wants to be friends of the show.

Like I've said. He's a liar and he looks ridiculous. Come on down. But great in bed. That's true. Very good at sex. And needs for you to be great in bed too. Yeah.

Because not that I couldn't carry the team if I wasn't there. If you get a couple moves that you can bring out, that'd be great. If you want to challenge the master, have a cage fight of sex. I'm excited. If you want to come and fuck Mr. Miyagi. If you want to wax him on and wax him off. There it is. Happy Christmas!

He wins again. And still undefeated champion. Should we turn this on and start recording soon? It's going pretty well. It's exciting to think that now, when girls listen to this podcast, I won't be single for much longer. I think the phone's lighting up, which is weird because this isn't live. That's how they know.

Pheromones. Yeah, yeah. So it was success. How about this? How about we do a bit of blind date style? What would your perfect first date be? I guess that it goes well. It's probably M and sex.

I think you sort of can't have one without the other, really. It'd be hard for it. You could squeeze in a bit of unidentified flying object in there somewhere. It'd be hard for it to not go well and then still have sex. I had a horrible date. Yeah. She had a great handshake. I went on,

I've never been on a date where I didn't know, other than that internet thing. A good blind date, I guess, would be, I don't know, you whip out your iPhone and just say something like Oh the um

Josh Whedon's directing the Avengers and she's like Oh that's great news And you're like and then it just And so on Straight away sex You're interested So what about Have you guys been to one-on-one before?

They're hard. On what, a blind date? You'd think because you don't know the person that you would have an infinite amount of time to talk about it. No, I've never done it, and I can't think of anything worse. That would be my nightmare. It's tricky. You think, all right, I don't know any about their whole lives. Yeah.

So I'll just ask them about their whole lives. It'll fill up like hours. They've been alive for eight. Yeah, I stress – It fills up like ten minutes. Surely someone else has asked them about their whole lives. It'll fill up like hours. They've been alive for eight. Yeah, I stress. It fills up like ten minutes. Surely someone else has asked them about their life before. This would be boring. Yeah, it's like, come on, give me some stories.

I stressed so much before the speed dating thing, but I imagine that just a blind date outside of that environment would be way harder. It's hard to. Because speed dating, you can just kind of reference the situation that you're in and go. Exactly. This is a bit of a, everyone feels the same way.

I've heard that's the secret, like a really good first date, what I've read in some of the best books out there on the subject. The game. It was an internet site. I have read that, though. That was interesting. You can say that about you, but you're a great exponent of the game. Read it and then, all right.

You're using it on us right now I think yeah he's going to he's going to leave that strawberry milkshake in here so he gets to come back in and claim it

and then be on the show another time am I allowed to sip this while we're doing this is that going to make an honest yeah go for it oh do you hear that ladies

hear that technique he drinks all the time thanks but yeah very well hydrated Liz McGregor I just feel ready to go now He drinks all the time. Thanks. But, yeah. Very well hydrated, Liz McGregor. I just feel ready to go now for good. But, yeah, apparently if you take them to, this is what I read,

go to take them shopping for groceries, and then there's heaps of stuff to talk about in the shops. What? That is terrible. Well, apparently it works. Like, there's heaps of stuff to talk about in the shops. Ice cream. Do you eat that?

Yeah. Oh, that's good. Relatable food. Okay. So what, you're calling up a girl and going, hey, Tina, it's Luke. Just wondering if you'd like to go out sometime. Yeah, I'd love to. What were you thinking of doing?

What's your pantry looking like at the moment? Oh, are you saying I cook something for you? No, I'm meet you out at the front of Baronia's Safeway at 7pm. Can't we go to one there? We live nowhere near Baronia. Yeah, but I don't want you to come into the city just for me. Yeah, right. I think that's the biggest one. That's the sexiest Safeway in Melbourne.

As much as you mock it, none of us have tried that, so who's to say that doesn't work incredibly No, well, I think that... Maybe it's the best thing. That could work better. Because the movies is the classic one, which I've never understood, because it means you go into a place where you're not allowed to talk for two hours. So you're with someone for the first time

where you've got to get to know someone. What do you do? Sit six inches from each other and don't talk. Don't even look at each other. I think the thing is you do something either side. You do a movie and then a drink, and then at the very least, you've got the movie to talk about. Yeah, but for like an hour and a half, you've just got silence on me.

Yeah, it's a bit awkward to be sitting right next to someone. I've done that on a first date and gone, this is ridiculous. We're just facing the wrong way. Calling it, we're leaving. Yeah. I started throwing my popcorn. It's hard because there's like an intimate setting

and you don't even know who they are. You can't get to know them. You can't even see them. Yeah, you can't see them. I think a classic dinner and drinks is a good one. It's so awkward though because I keep running out of things to say. I guess the girl feels the same way, but I feel like, oh, she's bored of me.

It's like a – I guess it's not all up to you to do it. Maybe if you just pretend you're on a podcast because you do a lot of that. Just bring a microphone and some headphones. That's true. I hope you don't mind. This is going up tomorrow. We'll let it spread out.

I did that horrible thing. I'm uploading this later tonight. What do you think of the music? Don't worry, I never listen to it either. I asked a girl at once and asked a girl out to dinner. And I'll pick up for – and she said yes.

And I said, I'll pick you up tonight for dinner. And she's like, okay. And then when I got around there, I picked her up. We got in the car and she went, oh, I've had dinner now. I thought we'll go to a movie instead and just commandeered the date. And I hadn't eaten and we went and watched a movie. And the whole time I'm sitting there going, I'm fucking hungry. Didn't have anything to eat.

Was there a second date after that, or that was it? There was, actually. Married? Yeah. What movie? Oh, Panic Room. Oh. I think.

Did you see it? Sexy. Yeah. What if we're all locked up together, baby, and people were trying to kill us? That's the thing I found. My girlfriend, we'd been hanging out for a bit and then we eventually went to see a movie.

Like it was a few weeks in or whatever. But I kind of, there was a point at the cinemas a few months ago where all the stuff on at the cinemas that I wanted to see was quite intense. And you don't, like when you don't know someone that well, you don't want to go, hey, let's go see The Killer Inside Me. Hey, fucking Casey Affleck going around killing prostitutes. I love this film. I love this character.

Maybe I should ask if she wants to go see a movie. Then I looked in the paper and that was literally the only thing I was interested in seeing was just some fucking psychopathic film. I've been trying to get someone to go to Tron Legacy because I just want to. Listeners, here's a call to arms. Here we go. And I remember I was saying to one girl and I said, do you want to come see Tron Legacy?

And she goes, what's it about? Okay, so a guy gets sucked into a video game and they ride around on motorbikes until everything works out. And it's much less. How is she going to want to see it now that you've given it away? Yeah, and she just started making out with me.

And I'm like, all right. It's like, get to know you first. There's a need to get to know you first. And she's like,

we haven't even met on the date yet. Spoiler alert. And so that was that we married. And now she has to take on your last name of to know you first.

To know you first. I get it. Well, okay, let's do this. Female listeners, of which, look, I honestly don't think there are too many. Oh, come on. Don't offend the babes. If you want to go on a date with Luke McGregor, get in touch with us. Leave a message on our Facebook page or Twitter at either me or Carl, and we'll pass the message on. Then you'll get messages like, I wouldn't want to go on a date with Luke McGregor, get in touch with us. Leave a message on our Facebook page or Twitter at either me or Carl

and we'll pass the message on. Then you'll get messages like, I wouldn't want to go with that dude. Yeah, but we just won't tell you about them. Oh, that'd be good. They'll be on the page. You'll be able to read it. No, no, no.

Okay, if you're going to be reading that... You won't even be a member of the page. You wouldn't be a member of the page. You haven't listened to the show. I bet you Carl will read that. You don't even know our surnames. You think we're Tony Martin and Ed Cavill, don't you? You got the masks on.

Yeah, okay. Well, if you don't want to go on a date, don't write on the wall. That sort of goes without saying. What do you think of our listeners? It's not like all of our listeners now are going to be getting on the page going, just letting you know I don't want to go. It's not like all of our listeners now are going to be getting on the page going, just letting you know I don't want to go. It's not like people think

they have to register their interest either way. We're just waiting for a chance to hang shit on anyone that we don't know and you've given us the flag. It's not RSVP regrets only.

Yeah, dude, seriously. Their names aren't get to hang shit on someone. I'm okay. I'm not lonely. I've got a lot of stuff happening. He's got a comic book to read. Comic books to read.

No, he doesn't. He gave it away. Oh, yeah. Fair enough. That's true. I should have kept it. He's got comic books to buy. You've got 50 DVDs to watch.

That's true. Yes, I've got some good stuff happening. He's going to see Tron soon. We're going out and getting drunk after this. That's something. That's true. And then I might meet someone there. Yeah. You might meet someone there. Yeah.

You might meet someone there. Exactly. You too as my wingman. Just put the handbrake on, ladies. You may not be needed. Definitely. Definitely. Still, get at us.

If you want to go on a date with us, in all seriousness, do it, and then we'll get you back on here and you can talk about it. He's a lovely man. He's great. As you've learned from listening to this podcast. Yeah. Ignore the noises he's currently making. Have you guys got your wingman stuff ready to go for tonight?

I guess so. I don't really, I guess, I've never really properly done it, but I guess I'd be okay. I just generally say he's a friend of mine and that's all I need. And they go, so you would have touched him before, so it's kind of like making him with you? I usually go up to him and I'll, like, point at you and go, I've made love to this man and he's great.

And generally it just goes from there. It has worked before. All right. Well, we're going to make this happen. We're going to find someone to let me go. Look, guys, we are nearly at the hour. I did mention at the top of the show that we had a special treat. Very excited to premiere this on the show.

For friends of the show, for people that have listened before. For people that have listened before, this will be a special treat for you. You may recall last week Xavier Michaelides was doing a Fatboy Slim impression. Yeah, I remember that. And we mentioned that Fatboy Slim is quite outdated, and I made the comment that someone should auto-tune parts of this show. and I made the comment that someone should auto-tune parts of this show. And we got a message emailed to us earlier last week from a regular listener and big fan of the show, Marcus Newman,

who has created a Dum Dum auto-tune remix. And so here it is. We're premiering it today on the show, courtesy of Marcus Newman, a Dum Dumb Auto Tune. Enjoy. Um, I'm going to get graphic here. I've had sex eight times today. I'm a fucking hero. You know Dickhead? Yep.

Hi, mate. How good is Nick Curry? Come on, give me a break. What? Um, I'm going to get graphic here. Hey, mate. How good is the curry? Come on, give me a break. What? Oh, God. Why not? I've caught every other sort of disease. Oh, a bag of bananas on a dick.

Whatever. Let's go downtown. Sunshine Johnson being a, you know, there would happen. Is this guy mental or not? Hey, mate. Showed you the wrong brand. You do not look 87 years old. Oh.

He really kept himself tight. You don't look it today. So I took some non-prescription medication. I think the kids refer to it as E. G'day, dickhead. Yep. Hi, mate. Crazy gay hands in the background.

Everyone dressed as freaks So you, my distant faceless friend Are the recipient of my wasted afternoon I didn't know she would be going back G'day, dickhead Yep, hi, nice How good is he, Cody? Come on, give me a phrase

What? Um, how go... Hi, mate. Um, look too bad. We should all return the show. Come on, give me a break. What? Um, how good is Detroit? Yay!

G'day, dickhead. Yep. Hi, mate. Yay! G'day dickhead Yep, hi mate That was awesome There you have it

The world premiere of a dum-dum autotune That boy dickhead That is just amazing I feel like I'm caught up on the series Yeah, yeah Wow, thanks very much to Marcus Newman for sending that to us. That was great. That was beautiful.

That made our Christmas. It was. That was such an awesome thing to receive. I played in humanity after that. Yeah, my cousin has listened to it and she said she now, when I say hey mate to her, she in her head hears it as hey mate. I just love your year. Wow, what a great way to send handmaid. I just love your year. Wow.

What a great way to send off the year. Oh, now that is going to be bringing in the new year at many nightclubs throughout Melbourne. Oh, man. I'm on at the Falls Festival over New Year's. Maybe I can take my iPod backstage and jack it in over the DJ. All over Revolver. Yeah, big time. Big time.

That's going to be the theme to many a person's ice binge. We've had two club remixes now. In episode four we had the dubstep remix of Huge Black Dildo by my friend's little brother. And now this one. Keep them coming. If Grant Smiley's listening at the moment. That's probably the first time you've tried to be up to date. That's the closest you've ever come to a reference to kids being up to date.

What, he was probably big in 98 or something? I mean, you're a little bit off, but look, you're closest. I'm in the ballpark. He's certainly more relevant than Cher. I only know him because he used to go out with Gemma in Big Brother. Did he really? Yeah, in the first Big Brother. Wow, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Well, there you go. Well, gentlemen, unless either of you have anything else to add, that brings us to the end of a little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. And for the year, we'll be back next week. Thanks to everyone who's been listening so far and leaving us comments, whether you've been listening from at one or you've gotten in through halfway down the line. Thanks to all our guests for you. Thanks to Luke McGregor. Yeah. Thanks for having me. I gotten in through, you know, halfway down the line. Thanks a lot, Gatsby.

Thanks to Luke McGregor. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I had a really good, really good, oh, I fucked it up. Classic. Remix that. Here comes that theme music that you like so much, McGregor. Have a safe New Year's, everybody.

If you're in the Falls Festival, I'm going to be performing at Lawn in Tasmania. Come down and say hi. That'll be heaps of fun. If you're near Hawthorne, I'll be in my house watching TV on you, Z. Yeah, so check that out. Tap on the window. And check out my profile.

Get to know you first. We'll date with Luke McGregor. It's gone now. Hit us up. It's gone now. Folks, we'll see you next year. Take care of yourselves. See you, mate.

See you 2010.