The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 101 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Date: August 28, 2012

Having AIDS, Flying Business Class and Wiping. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Are you okay? You sound awful, to be honest. I've been in Perth, but that's not the reason why. No, I do feel a bit sick. I've been sick in Perth.

I've just come back from Perth. Thanks, everyone. Thanks to all the Perth friends of the show that came out to see Stand Up. I was doing Stand Up in Perth last week, or a couple of weeks ago when this airs, with Xavier Mikulidis. A lot of people came out on the first night I got there, on the Wednesday night at the Laugh Resort. So that probably would have been the best gig of the run then?

You obviously haven't heard the rest of this story yet. It wasn't that good at all. I hosted and there wasn't that many people there and it wasn't a great response. And yeah, it got to the end of the night and I thought, well, you know, I've taken merch for the show, this show over there and stuff. And I thought, very futively, I thought, I'll plug it anyway. Who cares, right? Got to the end of it.

Oh, look, guys, thanks for coming. And if you didn't know, I actually do a podcast called Little Dumb Dumb Club. Half the crowd went, yay. And I'm like, hang on. You assholes haven't laughed at me all night. You've come to see me on purpose. Are you just all like Team Daslo, just coming here to arsehole me? Yes.

That would have been good. Oh, man. Then it was nice of them all to come, but then they come up and we're saying hi at the end, and there's a line of people waiting to come and say hi and whatever. I was like, oh, thanks for coming, and they were all sort of individually going, yeah, tough crowd, though, like all those other guys. All the other guys weren't laughing, but a pack of arseholes. So if you did go to that gig, email us, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com

and let us know where Carl went wrong. What could he have done for you to enjoy the gig a little bit more? Oh, please don't. We should also say quickly, thank you everyone who came out and saw our 100th episode last week, if you've listened to it online or if you came out. It was a great fun night. It was.

It was awesome. It was awesome. Yeah, so that's already been out came out, it was a great fun night. It was. It was awesome. It was awesome. Yeah, so that's already been out by now, so you'll have heard that. But, hey, the other thing was Friday night. At the Friday night gig, it was good. It was actually a good gig, and at the end I sold T-shirts and books and whatever and got to the end. And a lady, I reckon a lady in her 40s probably,

came up and sort of, you know, it was that weird thing. Now, you've taken a punt here. If she's younger, she's switched to be, she's switched off now. Yeah, I don't think she's younger. Okay. Yeah. No, don't worry. I've thought.

I've met women before. What have you rounded down? Let's just keep going. Let's just keep going. So she, I'm selling the shirts. And, you know, sometimes people come up and look at the shirts and go, oh, yeah. And you sort of like, you really want to buy one? Surely you know the show then.

You know what I mean? There's no reason to buy the shirt if you don't know the show. But she didn't show any semblance of recognition of me. Just sort of went, oh, this shirt. I might get this shirt. I went, do you know the show? She's like, yeah. Yeah, listen.

I'm like, oh, okay. Then I'm Carl. And what's your name? And she goes, oh, it's a little bit embarrassing. I went, oh, what sort of name is it? She goes, Diane. I'm like, oh, it's a little bit embarrassing. Oh, what sort of name is it? She goes, Diane. I'm like, oh, that's my girlfriend's name. All right.

Wow. Okay. Is that embarrassing? I think she's confusing embarrassment with coincidence. Well, I think I'd just been sort of insulting my girlfriend on stage. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, yeah, thanks, people, for coming out and showing your support.

Thanks also to the person on Twitter who messaged me during the weekend to tell me they'd had a sex dream about me. Yes! It's just good to have fans, isn't it? What happened in the sex dream? I don't know. Apparently I was attentive and generous, which just sounds like real life, really. That does sound like a dream, yeah.

Hey, today on the program, a special guest. You may know him from his own podcast, Talkin' Shit, or his DVD, I Love Pussy, which is out now through Punchline. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Eddie Ift. Yay! I just realized the titles of everything I do are offensive. Not only that, but when you Google you, the second thing that comes up is Eddie Ift has AIDS.

Yeah, that's thanks to Jim Jefferies. No, he didn't give me AIDS. He gave me the title that I have AIDS by getting our listeners to Google. It's called a Google bomb. If enough people do it, then it'll show up. But there's you have to have somewhere in the internet where it says that for it to pick up traction. So the fans quickly figured that out and went on to Yahoo Answers. Not just Yahoo Answers in America

but Yahoo Answers in Canada, Yahoo Answers in Britain because they have different ones. United Nations of Yahoo Answers. Basically. And then it says, does Eddie Eft have AIDS? No, but I heard Jim Jefferies gave it to him. And so it's gone up. And for a while, it was tough. But now I've kind of embraced it because I kind of feel like I know what it's like to live with AIDS. And I feel like I can relate to the people, the victims.

Have you ever met a girl at a bar and she's done the quick Google just to see what sort of guy this guy is? Jim and I have gotten in fights about it because I'm like, you fucking ruined my career. And he's like, what, you think people discriminate against people with AIDS? I'm like, yes, yes, I think they do. Magic Johnson didn't play NBA after that. Yeah, I'm not allowed to box anymore.

So I get, thank God I have a girlfriend. And I think she thinks it's funny and cool because I can never cheat on her now. Because if I do, you know, the girl's going to be like, wait a minute. What girl is Googling you in the middle of sex? Oh, they do. Because I tell them to. That's the only way I get them. I've been on TV.

So, yeah, but it's kind of fun, too, because I'm named after my dad. So I have the same name as my dad. So it's hereditary. So now my dad's living with AIDS. Fake AIDS is hereditary. Well, so if we can get people to put in Tommy Dasolo's sex dream into Google, maybe that can be the first thing that comes up for me. I'm actually glad that we're not the only ones who have fans who spend their time insulting us on the internet.

That's good. Insulting. I could give you, I mean, there's hate pages against, like, Jim's fans despise me because they think Jim is. Helen Razor is a fan of Jim Jefferies. Is that? Does she? Oh, yeah. Jim's fans think that he's the only comedian alive.

Right. And that he's the only one you're allowed to like, and they can't like me, and they come after me. Really? Oh, yeah. I went to war. I go to war with them on Twitter all the time. That's so strange.

No, it's fun, because I have the ultimate power of the block. Yeah. And so I just go until I'm bored, and then I go. I got a lot of airport time. I'm staying in airports. I'm like. And then I go, you know, I got a lot of airport time. I'm sitting in airports. I'm like, what am I going to do now? I'll go fight with a fan. You just put their name and has AIDS into Google like a million times.

It doesn't take much to do it, actually. If someone is not searched ever, that will be the first thing that comes up. I mean, like I've been doing comedy for 17 years and you know you do a google search there's like thousands because i've done thousands of gigs so they all appear on the internet so in order for that to get up there that they really had to fucking work yeah so i kind of commend them for their effort but that's so strange though for for that to be like doing a show with someone to not to their fans for that to not at least be an endorsement you know i mean it's like like you're saying his fans don't like you it's like you would

think that he chooses to hang out with you for an hour a week and do a show i've had like this guy's all right by me i've seen like where they'll write to us at jim jeffries at eddie ift and they'll be like hey jim why why is this fuckhead on the show why don't you and uh and i'll be like, hey, Jim, why is this fuckhead on the show? Why don't you get... And I'll be like, yeah, right. Hey, Jim Jeffries, why don't you explain? Don't leave me hanging here alone. Is there any fan fiction where they just edit your podcast so that you're no longer in it? So that it's like Garfield without Garfield?

All it would be then is Jim making racist remarks because that's what the show is. I drive the whole show and then Jim chimes in with his horrible, sexist, racist remarks that just make his fans... The other night I was in Brisbane and it was a good show. It was all sold out and I was on stage going, are these my fans?

Are they my fans? If they weren't laughing, they probably were. Exactly. And all of a sudden, I just started playing around to see where they were and what kind of material they were into. So I started like that. All of a sudden, I started to see that they were enjoying a lot of really misogynistic stuff and uh and all of a sudden i said something about the show about talking shit and i go oh are you guys shitheads we call our fans shitheads and the crowd went crazy and uh because that could have been just queenslanders that were exactly yeah exactly

they answered to that they're used to that question. Are you a shithead? Fuck yeah. Fucking hell, mate. So I said something about the show and Jim and this table that I had been watching. Watching. I say watching because I was looking at them like these guys look like they just got out of prison. And I'm just going to keep an eye on them the whole show because I don't want to, you know, piss them off because they look like they're the kind of guys that'll

glass me. And so I said something about Jim and they all went and like, kind of like bumped each other and they go, Jimmy. I was like, oh, I get it now. Wow. Yeah. So. But see, that's the other side of it. That's like a weird level of support where it's like, well, I get it now. Wow. Yeah, so. But see, that's the other side of it.

That's like a weird level of support where it's like, well, the guy that we really like isn't in town, but let's just go see his mate. So did they come there to, they didn't heckle you? They were just quiet? They just got there to not enjoy it? No, no, they were enjoying it. It was a good show. But Jim and I have talked about it before. And I was like, Jim, I get so much hate mail from your fans.

And he's like, what do you think I get? And I'm like, he's like, they you think i get and i'm like he's like they do it to me too and i'm like really and it's like an abusive relationship and i'm i'm not used to that like uh so jim's used to it like his whole life has been filled with abuse and and everything and so he abuses they abuse it so it's not a problem for him but when it when we first started doing the podcast all this abuse was coming. And Jim's like, I fucking get it every day. And I was like, what do you do? He goes, don't read email.

He's like, don't go on Twitter. Don't fucking read it at all. And he's like, yeah. He's like, it's awful. It's brutal. And I'm like, my fans didn't do that. And he goes, your fans are women. And it's really funny.

The majority of my shows used to be women coming out. And now because of the podcast, our podcast is we know the demographic is 85% men. And we have the 15 percenters. We call them. And these are girls that were touched by an uncle because something's fucking wrong with them to listen to our – If you are a woman and you listen to our show, there's something wrong with you. Really, truly. I say that.

I'll say that to their faces if they're not near me because they'll probably punch me. But, yeah, they're really terrifying. What percentage we have of male to female? Yeah, I reckon it's probably the same percent. Yeah. Well, how about this? How about if we try and start a campaign on this show to get our listeners to message Jim Jeffries and hang shit on him? Just to try and even the balance out a little bit.

People are too afraid of Jim. And they are. Because he's so on stage, he's so brash and loud and rude that people are intimidated by him. But they don't actually, like, Jim's my best friend and I lived with him for years and I know Jim better than anyone. And the funny thing is he's the opposite of that. He's a former opera singer that, you know, became a comedian. He's not athletic. He's not in shape.

He's never been in a fight in his life, you know? And now he's almost Amish. He has to ignore the internet phone calls. But it's funny because people are terrified of Jim. They're like, everyone around him, like all the people that work for our podcast are like, I'm like, I don't want to answer. Go ask Jim. And they're like, I don't want to ask Jim.

Hang on, people who work for your podcast? Oh, yeah. We have a staff of 10 people. It's fucking idiotic. Wow. What? What do they do? Insult Jim on Twitter?

Yeah. Write down Eddie if does AIDS on Twitter. We have our engineer who does all the sound. We have a videographer because we do full-length video episodes. And then we have the editor that edits those episodes. We have a sidekick on the show. And then we have two interns and a producer. Oh, wow.

Yeah. It's a full operation. Yeah, it's hard to make. We only have two interns and it's us. So now you're here in the country at the moment doing gigs, and you're one of the American comedians who's kind of, you've crossed over outside of festival time to kind of being here other times of the year just chasing the sweet Arj Barker coin.

Is that, you're very quickly heading into that kind of terrain. I told Arj I was going to call my, my, he like, he's my best, like Arj is one of my best friends in the world. And we kind of like to come to do the festivals together and we hang out and we, and last year he said, I'm not going to do Melbourne. And he said, are you,

so you're not going to do it either. And I went, no, now I'm fucking doing it for sure. And I'm going to call my, I'm going to call my show. Arch Barker's not here. Arch Barker has everything.

So, um, no, I, I, I, I just really like Australia. I like everything about it and um and it's in america i've sort of done the same thing where i've stopped going to markets i don't want to i've

just gone i don't like it there i don't want to spend any of my life there i'm done with you dayton ohio i'm done like i i just i'm like there's enough places for me to go that i enjoy like i just i decided i like vancouver and i don't play canada very often but i was like i want to start playing vancouver i like vancouver i want to work there often i love melbourne i love sydney i love you know i love i love all of australia like even going like into the bush and stuff it's fun but i'm sick of going to shitholes i'm sick of like middle america yeah they could blow it off the face of the fucking earth and i would not care i would go to page two in the newspaper and be like oh they're still talking about the nuke page three

page four fuck is there anything in here about well what about this we we traveled to new york we went to la new york last year and we had a night once at the comedy cellar, and we were talking about Australia, and there was a barman that said, oh, there's the comic here that does the American comic that goes and works in Australia all the time. We're like, oh, which one's that? He's trying to describe and trying to think of the name. He does full-time breakfast radio in Australia. I'm like, I don't think there's any American that does full-time breakfast radio.

And he eventually went, oh, Eddie Ift. I'm like, are you telling people in New York that you're Dave Hughes? Yes. Yes. I've changed my name. Dave Hughes has AIDS. Dave Hughes is that wacky Australian character that you do. That's funny that he said I do breakfast radio.

I did breakfast radio in America. Oh, right. And that's fine. And I'm glad to see the club that I worked at for the last 15 years. They remember me that well. I'd spend seven nights a week at that club performing. You know, that guy, that guy. What's his name?

That guy, Jim Jeffrey's friend. Jim's mate. Yeah, that does afternoon radio in Austria. You know that guy? That's hysterical. There's an Aussie comic that works at the Cellar a lot, James Smith. Yeah, that's right. I don't know him.

Yeah, very funny. Really, really funny. Like, incredible. He's one of those guys, and I think Jim's kind of the same, a guy who was sort of never that big here before he moved overseas. They both moved so quickly. Yeah. And it was the same thing that I did.

I was in Pittsburgh doing comedy. And the Pittsburgh comedians had been there for like 20 years and were like, can't wait till I get my Iron City beer commercial. And I kind of like, it was fun for me at first starting stand-up. But after like three weeks, I was like, there's got to be more than this. And so I started talking about moving, and they're all like, you can't move. You're not ready to move. And I'm like, really? Is there like, is it like degrees you have to get?

Like a master's degree, and then once you get your PhD, you get to go to New York? And I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. So I think with both those guys, I think they just felt like there was such a struggle that they were like, fuck it, if I'm going to struggle, I'll go struggle in New York or LA or London. Jim went to London, James went to New York. Yeah, and you do look at kind of people like that. And, you know, back here, I think Australians tend to get a bit like,

oh, we'll fucking go on then. And then they get massive success in their own TV shows. Brendan Burns being another example of a guy who's just gone massive and you go, oh, well. Yeah. Yeah. There's the proof is in the pudding. They get a little bit angry when they come back here and they're not maybe massive, some people.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Brendan Burns is awesome. He's, uh, we, we spent, um, uh, excellent night in LA on the same trip, didn't we? Yeah. Yeah. With Brandon?

Yeah. With Brandon Burns, yeah. We've had some great nights with Brandon. He had us on his, he was doing a show at Meltdown Comics and we got there like that day and he just got us on at his show, which was awesome. Yeah. And then he had a gig over in Burbank and he drove us there in his like convertible that he'd rented.

We were like children. Yeah. gig over in Burbank and he drove us there in his like convertible that he'd rented. We were like children. Yeah. Children in the junior version of Entourage going, oh, squealing, squealing as we're driving along the highway. I think there was even a moment where he was dumb enough to say, do you want to come in my convertible or do you want to just get a cab and meet me there? And we're like, is this, how is this a question? Yeah, that's funny.

I think the convertible is the thing that everybody does on their first trip to LA where they're like, I'm going to go to LA. And then they get, what kind of car would you like to rent? I want a convertible. I think he may have even copped a bit of shit because people were like, you're still doing the convertible thing? I did it on my first trip. I went to San Francisco with friends. And then my sister called me and said, you're up in San Fran. she lived in la and she worked in the business she was like why don't you come down and visit and i was like all right i'm like i'll rent a car i'll come down and uh

so i was like i'm getting a convertible and i got the mustang convertible and drove down the 101 and uh or the one i drove down the one on along the coast and i i don't know if you guys did that when you were there it's kind of like doing the Great Ocean Road. And it's gorgeous. But once you're on it, you're not getting off it until you get literally from I think from Santa Cruz to which is up near San Francisco to Santa Barbara, which is like 10 hours later. Is it as hell-rising as the Great Ocean Road?

Because I don't know if you've done that, but there's a point there where it gets pretty hairy. Yeah, it's really hairy, and it's like every car commercial's been filmed on it. And it's gorgeous, but about, I'd say about an hour into it, you're like, get me the fuck out of here. Where's a helicopter? I made a mistake. I have a fear of commitment. And I did the whole thing, and it was awful. Yeah, because you get no radio reception.

This was before I had no iPod, and your cell phone doesn't work. At least you can't see the abusive messages from Jimmy Deference fans. That's true. It's like being on a ranch. It's like a nice little break. They're horrible people. Well, should we hype this up? We're going back.

We are. We're going back. I actually want to tell you how bad they are. Who, Jim Jeffries fans? Yeah, here's how I've finally come to the conclusion. I almost want to quit the podcast because of it. We're really doing well right now. We just joined Jay Moore's network and we're making money and it's going well.

We had a guest on who's a friend of mine, Yoshi. He's an Asian comic. He works for Dave Attell a lot. He worked in the porn industry. He was an editor in the porn industry for years. He came on our show and he told a story. He volunteered a story about how he's from Japan and his stepmother, he thinks, killed his father. So he flew to Japan for the funeral and he beat the shit out of his stepmother like beat her to death and then beat up his cut

her her brother and her cousin and then got in a plane and flew back to the united states and they would extradite him if she died like you gotta tell him to come out here and do the melbourne comedy festival because that is a barry award-winning show right there well he's sitting there telling it and i've never seen jim like anything upset Jim in the least bit ever. Nothing. He can watch the worst things, talk about the worst things. Yoshi leaves, and Jim goes, I didn't like that at all. That was really uncomfortable.

And I'm like, yeah, that was fucked up. That was a really fucked up story. The episode airs, and all of the shitheads start writing in best guest ever they're murderers basically every everyone that's ever killed a person listens to our podcast you that sensitivity that you felt when hearing that story that's just the aids kicking yeah fuck his mother. She deserved that. Stepmother, anyway. Something I found out about you that I find quite interesting,

you're in a KFC commercial. Oh, God. Oh, wow. I would love to be in a KFC commercial. I would love to have that commercial. I have it, I think, somewhere at home, and it's on one of those giant tapes, not a beta, like a giant fucking tape.

And so I could probably have it converted. I'd have to go to like an edit house or something. Get it converted to Laserdisc just for – It's going to have to go to the steps. Yeah, yeah. I filmed it probably like, I don't know, 12 years ago maybe. I don't know. But the commercial was – it was filmed by – the director was the guy who wrote Natural Born Killers, David Vihos. Oh, wow.

Right. Filmed by the director was the guy who wrote Natural Born Killers, David Vios. Oh, wow. And a really cool guy. And we're just two dudes sitting on the top of on the hood of a car talking about the Big Bang, which is the name of the sandwich. And I don't like mayonnaise. They had to have mayonnaise on the sandwich. Truth in advertising. I had to take 200 bites of this sandwich with mayonnaise. And they had a spit bucket for me where I would spit it out. But sometimes he'd be like, keep going, keep going.

I'm like, I'm not chewing the fucking mayonnaise. So we did the commercial, and we were sitting on the hood of a car. We were supposed to pretend like we're stoned, and we're looking up at the sky talking about the Big Bang. And you think we're talking about the Big Bang Theory, but we're talking about this sandwich. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah this sandwich. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. Yep. That makes me hungry. Yeah. And it's the highlight of my career. What's in it to make it, give it the name the Big Bang? Is it spicy? I don't even fucking know.

The director at one point pulls me off and he's like, I need you to look really stoned. And I was like, all right. He goes, do I you to look really stoned. And I was like, all right. He goes, do I need to get you stoned? And I went, yes. So if you see that commercial, I'm very high in it. Right. And then, but the best part is, so we're sitting on the hood of the car. It's really uncomfortable.

Like I'm lying. It looks really like homoerotic too. Like the two of us like looking at stars stars together, eating mayonnaise off our lips. Spitting it into a bucket. That's probably where you got the AIDS from. Two people. Someone walks along that set and just finds a bucket with something that looks like mayonnaise in it. Two guys sitting on a car.

What's this an ad for? KFC, of course. Glazed look in their eyes. So we're on the hood of the car and in every take I'm sliding down, sliding down, sliding down the hood of the car and I'd have to push myself back up. Then I'd slide down, slide down, push back up, slide down. So the commercial airs and uh uh it aired during the super bowl it was a super bowl commercial and every everybody wants a super bowl commercial because the whole country sees it and it's a big deal and uh and then it usually if

it's a super bowl commercial it goes on to air a lot and you make a lot of money so i'm like they're like you got a super bowl commercial i'm like are you fucking kidding i got a super bowl commercial how cool is that so uh waiting waiting, knowing every friend of mine is going to see it. Commercial's on. What happened was I was sliding down the hood of the car, and it gave me the biggest camel's hoof. Like my cock just looks like I have a giant vagina. My cock just looks like I have a giant vagina. And the phone calls just start immediately.

And it's like the first one is just like, nice pussy. What I love about that is that, you know, you're saying you don't like mayonnaise and all that. I always find that funny where, you know, like whatever you're doing, your problems with whatever you're working on are always contextual so i'm sure you were probably after that like bitching to your friends going oh god it was awful i had to eat this mayonnaise and then spit it into a bucket god it was just the worst and your friends just going man you made fucking a lot of money shut up like yeah i think everything's relative though like uh i fly uh i get to fly business class a lot in first class in america because i fly so much and i'm not like an elitist i don't care about you but once you put me up there oh yeah i can't go back now and

i bitch about it and people are like are are you really complaining about flying to Australia? And I'm like, yes, yes, because my entire life revolves around that. Like I'm on an airplane, you know, I was on an airplane. It took me like 40 hours to get here because I was in the East Coast and I had to fly. I'm like, don't, no, yes, that's, and they're like, look at what you're bitching about. You're going to Australia. And I'm like, you have no idea.

I sat next to the shitter the whole way. It is though, like the first to Australia. And I'm like, you have no idea. I sat next to the shitter the whole way. Yeah. It is, though. Like, the first time I travel, I'm like, this is the most exciting thing ever. Yeah, the first time. Yeah. And then you watch everyone else, and you're like, why aren't you guys jumping up and down? This is awesome.

I know I'm in a tin can for 24 hours, but this is great. Like, this is better than where I'm going to go. Yeah. But I'm just getting to that stage where I'm going, oh. Yeah. The magic is just wearing off now stage where I'm going, oh. Yeah. The magic is just wearing off now. Oh, it's brutal for me. It's funny you say that, Eddie, because I just recently flew business class overseas

but paid for by someone else, which is kind of, it was amazing, but it's kind of a bad thing to just do once. Like, I reckon you either need to never do it. Right. Or you need to do it forever and never turn back. Exactly. Because now, you know, you suspect that it's great, but now I know exactly. And it's not even that it's like, and again, this is like to anyone who's not done it, this is sound so shit, but it's not even that it's an amazing thing.

It just makes a shit thing tolerable. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It's just basic comfort. If somebody said to me, you don't have to go or you can fly business, it's not like I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going. I'd go, fuck, I don't want to go at all. Yeah, exactly. Because you're still trapped on a plane, which is still shit. You're just a bit more comfortable. I call it a cylindrical jail cell. That's all you are. You're in prison for, you know, if somebody said, hey, you've heard people go, I wouldn't even want to go to jail for a night. I'm like, well, that's what I did.

I flew to Australia. I was in jail for a night. I was in a cell with a bunch of other people that at least they were somewhat civil and no one raped me. But it's a cylindrical jail cell. Oh, man, I was on a plane yesterday and it was one of those things where I sat next to this guy. This guy had lucked out. He had the middle seat, so it was crap. I was on the aisle seat, and I started sort of closing my eyes, and then he just taps me and goes,

hey, man, if you want to fall asleep, like I'll probably be getting up every five minutes. He really said that? Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have said, no, I'm going to stay up and stare at you. Yeah, yeah. But this is what he said.

He said, if you want to do that, what I would do is move three aisles back. So all he wanted was he wanted that seat free. He just wanted to stretch out. And he's trying to convince me. He goes, three seats back, there's a spare one. And I look back, and it's like a seat next to a baby that's crying. Oh, my God. Why would I want that seat?

I would have said, if you want to have the aisle so that you can go, go. You can go. I had a guy do that to me once. I was getting on a plane flying over here or back or something. And it was back when I used to fly coach all the time. And I get on and I get to my seat and it's a packed flight. And I go to my aisle and I have three seats to myself. I'm the only, oh oh the guy in front of me

has three seats to himself too yeah and we're like and like he looks at me he's like fingers crossed man i'm like yeah me too yeah and we're like both like yeah yeah yeah and all of a sudden we hear like ding dong like you know like turn your cell phones off the doors are now closed uh we're gonna be taking off and we're both like yeah yeah yeah and all of a sudden a couple appears and he and i are both like no no no no and they're walking towards us and it's obvious it's one of us is getting it and they look at their tickets they look up and they look at him and they go i'm sorry we're sitting right there and i swear to god he went fuck and i started laughing and he turns around like they sit down and he turns around and he looks back at me and i know exactly what he's

thinking he's like you have three seats i could take one of those and we still have a space yeah and so he looks back and i'm on the aisle at this point and he looks back and he looks back again. And then I know he's about to make his decision and I move to the middle seat. So now whatever seat he's taking, I'm sitting right fucking next to him. So he looks back again and he goes, are you kidding me? And I went, I just shrugged like, sorry, dude. So we take off. So then I built my bed.

Like we took off and I literally, I was like stuffing blankets in the cracks. I just made this like amazing bed with pillows and blankets. You made your own fort on a plane. Yeah, that's what I did. And so I go and I lie down and I'm sleeping. I'm having like, I'm deep into sleep. go and i lie down and i'm sleeping i'm having like i'm deep into sleep and all of a sudden this big black dude comes up to me and taps me and goes wake up and i'm like huh he's like wake up and i'm like what's up dude and he's like move over and i'm like i i'm sleeping oh man we're

hearing the story about how eddie f got aids he goes move over and i'm like no he goes the flight attendant said that i could come up here and and you you need to move over and i was like are you fucking kidding me and so i was like and i and i moved over and then he sat there with me the whole time and i tried to send him mental telepathy messages of, I hate you. I hope you die. But I realized afterwards, I'm like, am I racist?

Because if he was white, I would have been like, no, no fucking way. But because he's black, I felt this like white guilt. Man, I did a long haul flight,

like a, a, you know, an overseas flight once where you do that thing thing where you're towards the back of the plane and you're scoping out for any of those spare seats, especially the spare rows right at the back. And I saw one. I'm only a couple of rows away from it.

So as soon as you get the chance, I went, bang, bolted. There's like a row of four, I think. And I'm like, easy. Then at the same time, another guy, so I've already tried to claim it, another guy does the same thing, but like way after me, and gets on the other end of the four and goes, hey, how good's this? And I'm like, well, it was. And then immediately he just does what you've done.

And takes three. Takes three. Was it Eddie? No, this was like a Danish guy or something. And puts feet. I love how he looked at you and go, how good's this? and... Was it Eddie? No, this was like a Danish guy or something. And put his feet... I love how he looked at you and go, how good's this? Literally two minutes after saying that, after saying how good's this, he had his feet in my face.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. Because I like, you know, I'm pretty tense around people and I don't like getting into confrontations and stuff. And nowhere does that more come into play than on a plane because you're trapped. Like that's the worst thing I can think of is getting into it with someone right at the start of a flight. I was getting onto a plane recently and this old man, this dad, got into a fight with this kid like sitting in front of him. This like maybe teenager, early 20s. Like it was kind of a case where both of them should have just not, like they should have both shut up. Like so the dad gets on the plane a bit late and he's like had to move a bag

around from the overhead thing to fit his suitcase in. And then the kid turns around and goes, hey, why did you just move my bag without asking or saying anything? And the dad just cracks it and goes, because there wasn't room in there and it's not first in best dressed. So just chill out. Okay. And just smashes him. And they're like sitting like next to each other basically.

And I was like, man, we haven't even taken off yet. Do you really want to start that? Do you want to have that tension the whole flight for something that's bad enough as it is without sitting there just with hate? Any of that stuff, like I did, had a full on fight happen one row in front of me a couple of weeks ago. And it's like, it was, I don't know whether the double book, the thing, but it was like obviously a foreign family were sitting there

and this Aussie family got in and thought that was their seats. And they just kept going, that's my fucking seat. And then they'd go, man, you guys have got to calm down. And then they'd go for a walk and then really just do that little mini run and come back and go, that's my seat you're in. You're in me seat. And I'm like'm like man there's air marshals these days like that's ballsy to start that i had a woman and i fucking i hate it because you know they've done you've seen the myth busters uh the cell phone thing is bullshit yeah it's a complete bullshit bullshit thing that i don't

know why they do and i get in arguments with everyone about it because i'm the guy i'm still texting down below my leg when yeah as we're in the air i've worse than that having to turn the ipod off yeah that's not giving out anything it makes me crazy so i'm sitting there the other night the other day and a woman goes to me um uh you better turn your cell phone off and i went yeah yeah and she's sitting next to me, you better turn your cell phone off. And I went, yeah, yeah. And she's sitting next to me. Usually when people go, turn your cell phone off, I go, Air Marshal.

I want to just get an Air Marshal badge. Air Marshal, shut the fuck up. A little loudspeaker. That would be good. Whenever I meet a girl in a bar, I go, what do you do? She's like, I'm a flight attendant. I go, turn your phone off.

Turn your phone off. So this woman goes, yeah, you got to turn your phone off. I go, I know. I know the rules. I know the rules, even though the rules don't matter. I mean, it's a bullshit rule. She's like, what do you mean? I go, it doesn't.

And I go, pretty soon they're going to allow us to talk. And she goes, that's going to be terrible. I'm like, what? So we get this argument about if you should be able to use a phone. She goes, why should anybody be able to use a phone on the plane? She's like, I don't want to hear people talk on the phone. I'm like, people have conversations. Do you not want to hear them have conversations?

She goes, well, they're right there. And I'm like, so they should be allowed to talk to a person, but only if that person is physically next to them. They can't talk to a person. but only if that person is physically next to them. They can't talk to a person. She goes, yeah, because then everybody would be on their cell phone. I'm like, if everybody's on their cell phone, that means that everybody likes that rule and you're the only one that doesn't like it. And she's like, it's just rude if you're on your phone. I go, no, actually, it's not rude. rude i see i go see cell phones are amazing because they let you talk to people that you

want to talk to instead of having to talk to people that you never wanted to talk to like right now yeah but i had a similar thing like that i was in a bar the other night we finished a gig and this woman sat next to me and i was on my phone and it's like midnight and i was actually following the start of the english premier league season it just kicked off. My team were playing the first game of the season. What's your team? Liverpool. Okay. And you support? I lived over in the UK for a while, so I just know who I don't like. Whenever I had bad shows, I hate that town. Right, right, right. Yeah. So I had these things, I'm following that and this woman's like, why don't you talk to me? And I'm like, oh, cause I don't know you. And she's like, well like you should be talking to me because that's just a phone that's

a piece of plastic that's basically and my phone's smashed and she's like it's not even a good phone you're looking at what sort of argument is that you should have said this is the reason no one wants to talk to you yeah i'm like i'm actually following a team that I've supported for 25 years. I've known you for less than five minutes. So I'm going to go with this. She's like, yeah, that is so rude. And I went, back to the phone. And then she made this big deal of getting up and saying goodbye to everyone else that was within us, near us, except for me.

That was the big show. That'll learn you. She just did a big deliberate turn of the back on me. I'm never using this phone again. I've been taught a lesson. You should get it fixed, man. That is a disaster. It's a shit phone.

It is. You know what? There's shards of glass falling off daily off my iPhone at the moment. Can you see that? There's big chunks of glass. Yeah, I had that going on. Your girlfriend's ringing you right now. Pretty soon apps are going to fall out.

But it's right where I put my ear to the phone as well, so I'm going to have pierced ears very soon. Hey, let me just bring this up before we get out of here. I've got a housemate update. I think I might have started to tell you this story, Carl, but basically, Eddie, to bring you up to speed, I live with my girlfriend and we live with another couple, so there's four of us in the house.

Weird. Yeah, it is. us in the house. Weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's time to get out. Anyway, a few weeks ago, a little- Do your housemates listen to the show? I don't think so.

All right, good. They're in for a pretty rude surprise in a minute's time if they do. So not long ago, pretty much sort much before I went away, my girlfriend's mum was around at our house just hanging out, catching up, and our male housemate walked in on her in the toilet

mid-wipe. Which just... One or two. Was she wiping from the front or from the back? She was wiping from the front. So it was pretty much the worst. Is that the worst? No, I think shit would be worse. I like that you know that.

I like that you've either asked him that or he's volunteered that to you. You know what's weirder? I think she volunteered it. I think she said to the mum. The mum said it as he was looking. I'm wiping from the front. Just so you know when you tell all your mates, this is what's happening. This is going to come up.

Get a photo because no one will believe this. I only have a dirty vag. But yeah, basically after that happened, the couple, our housemates, immediately left the house and did not return for about 48 hours. They just went on the lam. Traumatized. And man, it's a different vibe in the house and did not return for about 48 hours. They just went on the lam. Traumatized. And it's, man, it's a different vibe in the house now. I'll tell you what, it's tense.

I've had that happen before where I- You saw my girlfriend's mum wiping? Yes, that is exactly what I had to say. We never talked about that before. I wiped your girlfriend's mum. No, I was, years and years and years ago, I was in a house where I was in the bedroom with my girlfriend at the time. And we were mid, you know, not an unusual act, but certainly a very graphic act. And I've never heard anyone explain it.

I thought you were going to end it like, not an unusual act, like saying that was your way of saying we were having sex. And I was like, that's a really interesting way to say it. Like, it's just sex. Everyone does it. And I thought that's what you were going for. And then it got creepier. Old nimble-toed Chandler just dancing around the issue. It was, well, it wasn't a normal position.

Which one was it? Okay. Should I say? You've come this far. Was it the jackhammer? No, no, no. It was more just I was, it was, there was not vaginal penetration. It was more another act in a sort of a weirder position.

He's done it again. Anyway. Are you Christian or something? Why can't you explain this? Yeah, it was a very weird position. It was missionary. Jim Jefferies fans are going to hate this. Very weird.

But anyway, I had a mate knock on my door, and then it's that thing where you sort of like don't want to say, I'm having sex. Right, right. So you sort of just freeze and hope that they don't think anyone's in there. Right. And then they open the door in full view of what's going on. And then that thing of where they freeze and don't know whether to slam the door, they've

gone with the option of just sort of awkwardly talking and me going, what are you doing? And they're just still watching it. I'm like, man. And then like, oh, right. And then they just went away for two days. Wow. It's not as awkward as I was. This is an ex-girlfriend, but we were having sex.

And Jim – the house that I live in now, Jim used to live in with me, and he moved into the room that was my office. And it's a weird – it's an old building, but it's – or an old house, but it's – they modernized it a bit. Like, the walls don't go to the ceilings in my bedroom because there's a loft and then there's like all this open space. And the hallway is like there's there's like open air from like the wall goes up like eight feet and then that's it. And I'm in there and the girlfriend at the time was like, I don't want to stay here and I'm not having sex with you. I was like, why? She's like, because he can hear everything. And I'm like, no, he can't. There's no it's fine. You know, he's in his room. It's isolated, blah, blah, blah. So that, that very night we're having sex and I finish and you hear

Jim from his room go, thank you. Um, anyway, I think that brings us to the end of the program for another week. Eddie has a dinner that he has to rush off to. The DVD, I Love Pussy, is in stores right now. We have some copies, thanks to A-List, to give away. We haven't quite worked out how we're going to do that yet. We'll have a question on Twitter or Facebook. Yeah, cool. All right, we'll think of something and send us in an answer,

and you can win a copy of Eddie's DVD. It's in stores right now. Eddie, thank you so much for joining us. Hey, thanks for having me. This was fun. People can hear you on your podcast, Eddie and Jim Talk Shit. And what have we got to plug? We got anything coming up?

T-shirts. T-shirts. Saw a few T-shirts in Perth, but we've still got plenty more. So the grey and the blue T-shirts hit us up at, man, we've got to get a website. Yeah. We've got to get a website. Yeah, it's too good. You've got to get a studio, too. We've got to get a website. We've got to get a website. You've got to get a studio, too.

We've got to get a Jim Jefferies house to record this. Guys, thank you so much for listening, and we will see you next time. See you, mates.