The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 102 - Tom Ballard & Harley Breen

Episode Date: September 4, 2012

Dassalo's Birthday, Six Forty-Five and The List. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Daslow. Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. How are you going over there? You look very excited that you found something on your computer that you were looking for. Well, you know what?

I just looked for something and I found, you know when you look for something and then you find something even better? Yes. I've heard of it. I've found something on your computer that you were looking for? Well, you know what? I just looked for something and I found, you know when you look for something and then you find something even better? Yes. I've heard of it. I found something even better. I found something amazing. I'll bring it up later in the show, maybe. Okay.

I think it might be quite good later in the show. Okay. But what about, I'll say this. I left this off last time. I've had quite a few good little experiences. I've had some experience being a crazy magnet the last couple of weeks. Slash your whole life. Yeah.

People coming up on the street and saying things to me. So in Perth, I had a guy come up to me and I could see him from like 50 meters away. And he sort of looked at me from 50 meters away and I'm like, oh, this guy's not veering off, is he? And he just walked straight up to me, looked, had this big Essendon Football Club bomber jacket on thing, just went, you know, like the waves of people just parted. He just comes straight for me. I'm like, oh, he's coming straight for me.

And I'm eating M&M's at the time. And he just comes right up to me in my face and goes, nice chomping, and then walks away. That's inaccurate because you don't really chomp on an M&M. I don't know. It takes one bite, if that, and then it's done. Well, I had multiple ones in my mouth, and I was chomping all of them at once. You just had the whole bag just chewing this big. But how did he spot that from 50 metres away?

Or did he just look at me and go, oh, I'll have something to say when I get to him, and then he just impro'd it in the last couple of metres'll have something to say when I get to him. Yeah. Oh, it's a compliment. And then he just impro'd it in the last couple of metres. You should just be thankful that your skills are being recognised. Yeah. Finally getting the recognition you deserve. So here's the other one. Here's the thing that's even weirder.

What were you eating at the time? Nothing. No, I wasn't eating anything. Here's the thing that's even weirder. This is what happened a matter of days ago. I was on Fitzroy Street, which if you're ever going to have someone crazy come up to you, that's the place to do it. Fitzroy Street, which if you're ever going to have someone crazy come up to you, that's the place to do it. Fitzroy Street in St Kilda.

I was talking to someone. This other guy, random guy, well-dressed guy, not a hobo, not a crazy guy, walks up, splits us, and goes, Carl Chandler. And I went, yeah. Thinking, okay, well, I don't know who this guy is. He goes, Carl Chandler starts. Nice jumping. No.

Starts to back away. He goes, Carl Chandler doesn't pay his bills. Was it a summons? And then walked away. Oh, wow. And I was like stunned. That's awesome. It didn't. And I'm like waiting for, I'm like going, and the joke's coming now?

No, no. And just walked away. That really does sound like,, and the joke's coming now? No, no. And just walked away. That really does sound like, yeah, he's one of those guys who, you know, is going to like present you with a, like a thing to appear in court or whatever. Yeah. Or maybe, you know, when you get people knocking on the door to get you to change your power bill, you know, your power over, he's just the guy they employ to, to remind you to pay your bills or something.

But I, I, the other thing is I've paid all my bills. Like maybe it's like a weird Chinese whispers thing where it's calm down from Perth. They've tried to get the message that Carl Chandler has good chomping and it's just people have changed it across the Nullarbor or whatever and it's become doesn't pay his bills on the other end. So if anyone has any idea of what that means, please let me know. If that's a fan of the show, if that's a friend of the show that's just gone

and listened to the third episode and misheard shitting my bed as doesn't pay his bills, maybe that's it. I don't know. Yeah, well, you forgot to pay your colon bill, and then they cut it off. I'm extremely interested to know what it means. Or if Carl does owe you some money, if you do work for a major corporation, give us an email. There's a better way of getting it than doing that.

Especially don't walk away after it. Wait for me to pay the bill, maybe. Today on the show, two returning guests. Our first guest is a Comedy Festival award winner. You can buy his DVD, The Kingswood and I, through Punchline. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Harley Brie. It's me. Welcome back, buddy.

Cheers, man. Great to be here. Yeah, last time you were on, we were talking about how we were going to exercise together, and that has not happened once. I have ballooned out. Happy to have you on, though, because you're always very nice and say that the show's great and whatever. The only thing is, then you also then say to me, just so you know, I never listen to any

episodes except the ones I'm on. I've never listened to a podcast except when I'm on it. Pretty much. Yeah. Pretty much exactly. I think I've listened to maybe 10 dum-dums that I wasn't on right at the start. Oh, really? Yeah, because I think I was on number two.

You thought you were on it? No, no. I thought I was on number two. I'm like, yeah it? No, no, I thought I was on number two. I'm like, yeah, I'm into this new podcast thing. And then everyone got one. I went, oh, it's an overlay. Stop it. I'll just listen to the ones I'm on.

So I've listened to three. Right, okay. That's a weird thing to pick out, though, like to just listen to yourself. Like, if you, I think you've been here. I swear to you, if I'm being dickhead, most of the time I am. Oh, no, it exists now. Also returning to the program, you will know him from Triple J Breakfast. Welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Tom Ballard.

Yay! I do love green guide letters. Ah, boo. Has someone else done that before? No. Yes. No, never. You're the first.

Thanks. Is that a thing to be proud of? Let's talk about another podcast. What'll be great is if we just confuse people. That'll be really good. Yeah. Hey, before we get to the guests, let's just do this first. It's little Tommy Daslow's birthday today.

Yay for me. Yay. Happy birthday. It's the birthday edition of Little Dumb Dumb Club. And, you know, I'm not a rude man. You know that. I've got you something. I've got you something.

This will work well on the audio medium. But here you go. I've got a little present for you. Oh, you got me a little gift. What's it wrapped in? There you something. I've got you something. This will work well on the audio medium. Here you go. I've got a little present for you. Oh, he got me a little gift. What's it wrapped in? There you go. It's wrapped in. You have done one of the worst wrapping jobs I've ever seen.

Is this just a page from a magazine? Yes. What magazine? New Weekly, I believe. Okay. You haven't so much folded it as you just crumped it around. I did it. I'm good at chumping shit at wrapping.

I did it almost eight minutes ago, I think. What's it going to be, everyone? Oh, very exciting. A Telstra bill. It's a pile of Tommy Datilo's Sonic Reach Around, available now on iTunes and through Punchline. It's 11 copies that you left at the Live Dumb Dumb Club recording. Just what I've always wanted.

Thanks, mate. That was good. Now, what I also did on the way in. That, just what I've always wanted. Thanks, mate. That was good. Now, what I also did on the way in, I got us a few minutes of content. That is the response of a guy that's been disappointed on his birthday every year. Getting the wrong present. That's good, Mum.

I wanted that. Now, what I've done on the way in as well is I've put out messages on Twitter and Facebook asking for birthday messages for little Tommy Dassler that can be read out on the show. So shall I do that? Yes. Right.

Good. Rodney Hervarten, a friend from Adelaide. He's messaged, happy birthday, Tommy. Hope this year brings you much success so you can finally get to host your own podcast instead of hanging on the coattails of Carl and the other host, Will Anderson. Yep. They're very good. Yep.

So that's good. Craig Ashworth, happy birthday, Tommy. Hopefully this is finally the year your balls drop. That's less good. I like the first one a lot more. Yeah, I reckon they're going to get worse. Chris Nelson, happy birthday, Tommy. May puberty finally hit you and deepen your voice.

I'm sensing a pattern here. You know I know a guy whose balls didn't drop? Really? Yeah, yeah, you had to get them. Sometimes they just don't drop. They just stay. And what happens? You've got to go in and get them.

Yeah. There was a guy at... Someone drops them for you. Really? There's a guy that drops them? Well, he's a doctor. It's not just a bloke. I drop your balls, mate.

It's a bloke on the street in Perth. Got to see a guy about a horse and his balls that drop. I had a mate in high school who- Turn on the cuff. Now I'm going to pull those. I had a mate in high school who were in his car as mum was driving us somewhere, and she's just turned around to him and given it the old, yeah, like, you know, how you had to go in and get that thing to have your balls dropped.

And he's just absolutely gone schizo. And we're all just going, yes! And he's like crying, going, how could you do this to me? And she's like, you know, that classic mum thing where it's like, what? Why does it matter if your friends know that? Why are you crying? Your balls have dropped. You should be more of a man.

Gavin O'Driscoll says, happy birthday, Tommy. The big one six, eh? Next thing you know, you'll be old enough to drink. I already made that joke, Gavin. Is it because he looks quite young and sounds like a girl? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. To be honest with you, that whole sounds like a girl thing,

never heard it. Thanks, Harley. Honestly, I've never heard it. If a girl sounds like you, it'd freak me out. It would. If there was a girl going, G'day, I'm a little girl. I'm the same. If a girl sounds like you, it'd freak me out. If there was a girl going, get out, mate, I'm a little girl. I'm the same, but to be honest, everyone says it. I'm happy to be wrong. I'm happy to be wrong.

Alison Abrams says, happy birthday from Chicago. Oh. I hope your year is filled with great stories to share on the podcast and also fewer people telling you that you sound like a lesbian. There you go. Maybe the universe will forward all those people to Luke McGregor for criticism. Yeah. I still love him, though.

Have a fantastic day, year, life. Got weird in the end there. It just sort of turned into a Luke McGregor celebration. Yeah, well, that's what everything, I think, turns into on the show these days. Yeah, that's true. Did you see what I tweeted the other day that I saw two identical, obviously two identical twins, identical twins that look just like Luke McGregor.

Yeah. Yeah. It was the greatest day of my life. It was like two of him. Did you talk to him? No. I wonder if they'd be awkward around each other. One of them spilled a coffee on the other one.

That may have been Luke and someone. Classic. Yeah. Classic double McGregor. Yeah. Josh Moylan says, happy birthday, mate. I hope you have a great day, little fellow. Just don't get too hammered on cruisers and engage in too much girl on a girl action.

You know what? Screw it. You're only 15 once. Oh, God. Who's come in with the youngest? 15's the youngest, isn't it? Or did someone do 13? I said 13.

You said 13. We've still got a couple to go. Oh, God. Surely there are cards for this. Dasolo Hallmark, Urots, young lesbian cards. Are you saying you don't feel like it was worth flying down from Sydney to sit here and listen to me be read out birthday messages? I've had worse weekends. Charlie Brooks.

Oh, he's an actual friend of you. Yeah. Happy birthday, my little Dassamuffin. May your winds blow hard and sail you to the nearest Oporto. He has my telephone number. He could have just called me and said that. And look, more later in the show. Okay.

Well, what about this? I will say this quickly. I, last night, for the first time in my life, I was the victim of a surprise party. My girlfriend threw me a little surprise party, which I had never been on the receiving end of. Does your girlfriend have a problem with me? Pardon me? Does your girlfriend have a problem with me?

You wondering why you didn't get invited. Yeah. I wouldn't have come, but why? Exactly. This is sort of like the podcast dilemma as well. Just you. Yeah, I did actually in the car on the way here, I knew that by bringing that up, I knew you were going to have to say something about not being funny. Well, I have said something. Now where's the fucking answer?

I'll give you her phone number. You can call her and take it up with her. This is what's happened with you. You had your surprise party. So your girlfriend put the word around to a bunch of people saying, oh, Tommy, surprise party on a Friday night. Then you put the message out, oblivious to that, going, hey, party on the Saturday night

come to my party on Saturday night didn't get that message either well you're also a fuckhead that's that's the thing it got to last night

surprise you're a fuckhead it got to last night I'm like hang on so I'm booked in to go to the surprise party on the Friday night

Saturday morning this podcast Saturday afternoon we're going to go and have a lunch Saturday night you're going to have another party for you I'm like I'm not going to go to the Friday night. Saturday morning, this podcast. Saturday afternoon, we're going to go and have a lunch. Saturday night, you're going to have another party for you. I'm like, I'm not going to go to the Friday night thing, okay? Because I found out there wasn't as many people I knew going.

So I started messaging people going, hey, are you going to the Friday night thing? Because I'm not going to. I'm going to go to the Saturday night thing instead. What do you reckon? And they just went, what? What do you mean? There's two parties I'm not invited to? I sent a thing around about tonight just going, hey, just invite anyone.

Just invite anyone. Well, there's a lot of people really angry with you now. For your birthday. Yeah. That's ruined the great gift of a pile of myself. But yeah, no, like you didn't need to tell me anything. A number of people said that was the big story of the party was how you had made it explicitly clear to everyone involved

that you were not going to show up. Me? Yes, you. No, I messaged Josh Earl. Yeah. That was about it. Okay. I love the idea of you walking in going, surprise, where's Carl?

Like immediately, this is wrong. That was the funny thing about it because my girlfriend sort of just invited, you know, like, my sort of, like, friends from outside of comedy and stuff, and so I walk into the living room and everyone's there, and I look around and I'm like, oh, it's all my old schoolmates and stuff, and then just randomly, just Josh Earl. Yeah. Just in the middle, like, by himself. And the first thing I said was out loud, why are you here?

Well, I got a message from him saying, are you going to come? Are you coming? And I'm like, no, I'm not going to come. Well, Josh was there because he's got a new baby and he was getting out of the house. I have to be there. It's work, baby. I've got to go. Sorry, Josh. I hope your wife doesn't listen to this podcast.

I've got to go to a 16th. Have either of you guys ever been on the receiving end of a surprise thing? No. I don't have anyone in my life that likes me that much. You're having a bad day, Harley. Doesn't need to be sad. You sound really down. I'm alright. You're alright?

I don't want surprise party, fuck you all. I don't need it. You sound like, you know what you sound like? You sound like given the history of what you've just said now, you sound like you're very happy to be asked to do this podcast and now you hear you like I didn't want to fucking do it. I just want to be asked. I just want to be asked. I just want to be involved.

I don't actually want to do things. No, I've never had a surprise party. I don't know that I would enjoy that. Yeah, it's weird because on one hand it's very nice, but on the other hand you go, oh, I'm a dumbass. I've been deceived. I've been lied to. The first 15 minutes were really unpleasant. Have you seen that film, The Game, that Michael Douglas film?

Yes. Yes. I liked that movie. I really liked that film too. And if you haven't seen it, spoiler alert, whatever. Oh, you gave it away. I'm not going to watch that now. It was all just for his fucking birthday, wasn't it?

Yeah, but he knew that when he got into it. Pardon? But he knew that when he got into it. It was a birthday gift to start with. Oh, but then it sort of went back. No, but he was that when he got into it. Pardon? But he knew that when he got into it. It was a birthday gift to start with. Oh, but then it sort of went back. No, no, but he was really freaking out there. Yeah, because it was a full-on game. So he went into it to do it because his brother said,

I want to do this for you. I think it'll be a lot of fun. And then just into it, he goes, no, I don't want to do it. And so it's the whole time him trying to not be involved in the game but the game was still existing and that's revealed at the end when he crashes through and it's his birthday party. It's his birthday party. How many people do you reckon rent that film now thinking

that it's a movie about trying to pick up girls by using magic tricks and stuff? How to pick up Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh, Fincher's done it. This will be awesome. It's Michael Douglas negging someone for two hours. Your shoes are shit. Your shoes are fucked.

Yeah. But someone did say this to me because I had no idea that my girlfriend was planning this and then someone said, hey, this is nice

and everything but you've just proven how easy it is for your girlfriend to sneak around and do things behind your back and you having no idea about it.

With Josh Earl. Yeah. Oh, God. I don't stand a chance. What a horrible thing to say. Yeah. That's a weird angle. Yeah.

That didn't need to be said or thought. You can say that for any present, like any Christmas present if you're buying someone to surprise someone. Yeah. Oh, my girlfriend got me this Christmas present. Oh, she's probably sucking someone else's cock. What are you talking about? This is a nice gift. Jesus.

I would love to have it done. I think it's a really nice thing to do. No, nothing. I think it's a lovely thing to have done for you. Yeah, it was nice. Was it good, even though I didn't go? Yeah, no, it was good. But again, like, you know, because you sort of go, you're in the mindset of like,

oh, we're going home, no one's going to be home, we'll sit on the couch, we'll just watch a bit of TV, have a couple of beers and then go to bed and sort of have an early night. And then suddenly it's like, oh, no, I'm at a party now. Like just having to kind of recalibrate your head like really suddenly. Oh, yeah, because that's what I was wondering, because I was actually planning on going until the last minute and I got a bit tired.

Like really suddenly. Oh, yeah, because that's what I was wondering, because I was actually planning on going until the last minute and I got a bit tired. But did you go there just at home and then people just turned up or was it a surprise you walked into a room? So we went out for dinner. My girlfriend took me out for dinner. And then we walked into our living room afterwards when we came home

at about 9.30 and, yeah, everyone was there. Okay, well, that's the more scary bit, that everyone's got access to your house when you're not there. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst bit. Yeah. Well, someone said, because this is kind of the thing of it.

Like everyone was telling me like all the people were making jokes and muck arsing around while they're there with the lights off waiting for me to come in. And that kind of sounds like it would have been the most fun bit of the party. Yeah. That's the shame that I wasn't there for the bit that I probably would have enjoyed the most. Like people were going, man, what if he just sees someone and just flips out and thinks that the house is being burgled or whatever.

But it's that thing because we've got quite a long hallway into our living room and I got really paranoid after everyone appeared where I had to do this mental inventory and go, oh man, was I ragging shit on anyone that's here as I was walking down the hallway? I was genuinely worried that I've been walking in going, fucking this guy, what an asshole. He should just go neck himself. Hey! Oh, sorry, Josh.

Yeah. And then everyone, then people were saying, yeah, there was a lot of discussion about what if he comes in and he's just bagging out on someone and then someone goes, yeah, it'll be, it'll probably be Chuck or Charlie that he'll be just smashing out on. And so they're going, oh, does he say anything about that? So thanks, guys. Happy birthday to me.

You're just walking. Everyone's punching everybody. Fuck you. I don't get down to life. I heard what you didn't say about me. Yeah, everyone's left. Everyone's just gone because they've decided they're fed up with me. My girlfriend's like, oh, surprise.

I'm like that whenever I'm talking about anyone, anytime. they're fed up with me. My girlfriend's like, oh, surprise. I'm like that whenever I'm talking about anyone, anytime. I have to check my phone in case by chance it's accidentally called that person that I'm talking about at the time and they're overhearing what I'm saying. Has that ever happened? No, never. But I have this OCD thing.

As soon as, if it's like a proper bitch about someone, I'm going to pick that phone out and go, oh, yeah, cool. It's not. Yeah. Justin Hamilton has a thing that he refers to as the Adelaide twitch, where you're always looking over your shoulder when you're at a cafe and you're talking about someone to make sure they're not there. Because in Adelaide, they probably will be in the same cafe.

Yeah. And he said when he goes back, he has to, you know, he gets the twitch back again and then it stays with him for like a week afterwards when he's back in Melbourne. Again, the moral of the story is Hammo pays out on a lot of people, is what I'm trying to say with that one. Should podcast that. Some more messages? No, I think we've had enough.

Gemry Rocket, at Gemry Rocket, is MTV going to record Tommy's super sweet 16th? That's good. That's kind of what this podcast has become. Yeah, the ping machine. Merry birthday to Daslo and best of luck going for his L's. Good one. It's like a brainstorming session of what you can say about someone who's very young,

and everyone's gone on a different level. Hey, Thomas. It's like submitting jokes for a monologue, but you only do the joke once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead you've read out every possible joke. This is a birthday workshop. Birthday pitch meeting. Welcome into the writer's room.

Yeah. Thomas Ratkins, hey, Kyle, can you tell Daz happy 16th birthday and hope you do well in your HSC? There we go. 16 seems to be the median. 16 seems to be the median that people have kind of agreed on. Yeah, yeah. We're deciding your sweet 16.

Yeah. So I think that's – the other ones I didn't read out are just things that don't insult you. He hasn't read the nice ones out. Boring. We make you feel good on your special day, so that's lovely. Well, it's just nice to be here. This is weird because we did an episode on your birthday as well.

Did we? Yeah. I don't remember that. I don't think we got any messages. What the hell is going on with you two? I don't think you were nice... I didn't get an invite to that either. Yeah.

Bullshit. I don't think you were nice enough to arrange a lot of messages for me. Wow. It just shows that I'm the better friend. Yeah. Really? That shows that you're the better friend. I never got you a present either.

And look, here you go. It's a little bit late. A pile of Tommy Dasolo Sonic Reach Around available on iTunes and through Punchline. Yeah. That has sat at Soft Belly in a quite prominent place for two weeks untouched, by the way, that bunch of CDs. This is a very strange thing where it's part nice messages and then you sort of feel like the nice meat is up a bit too much, so you just drag me back down.

Birthday roast. Yeah, birthday roast. You fucking wanker. Oh, Jesus. You dickhead. What about this? So I, you know, sometimes you bump into people who you went to high school with, and if you've not seen them for a while, it can be quite awkward.

Yeah. If you weren't particularly friends at school. That literally never happens to me. Really? Yeah. You've never bumped into someone you went to school with? Did you go to high school? Barely ever.

Not really. Right. I went for a few years. In Queensland. In country Queensland. It only goes for a few years In Queensland In country Queensland It only goes for a few years You idiot It goes for five years

Where did you go to school? I went for three You said I only went for a few years Yeah that's what I'm saying You went for three years I went for three years You dropped out in year 10 I'm a genius

Oh you finished it all Otherwise known as I was a moron Did you finish in year 9 or something? No no I did year 10. Oh, sorry. In Queensland, high school is 8, 9, 10, not 7.

Right. Okay. Why didn't you finish the whole thing? I couldn't pay attention. You didn't pay attention to that question. I know. I looked out there and it was a big chart. I tried fast. Oh, vroom, v fast. That is why.

I just illustrated why. But I went back and did my year 12. Oh, did you? Went to uni. Were you mature age? Was that horrible? No, that was at a TAFE. It wasn't at a school.

You don't go to school. They don't let mature aged into schools. Imagine that fingering nightmare. It's just diabolical. I believe that's Strangers with Candy? Amy Sedaris? Yeah. How old were you when you did Year 12 then?

19. Oh, you could do that. That's like one year older or whatever. Yeah, I suppose it is, but I don't know. It was just a better option because then I was there with adults. It was a much better environment, a much better learning environment because you were just – I've thought about that because people talk about they go back and –

you go back to uni as a mature age thing and it must be easy because you've sort of got all that out of your system and all you need to do is study, but then you have to be the uncool mature age. Were you the uncool mature age year 12, dude? No, year 12 was different because they were all older than me. But going to uni first year. Oh, you were the cool one. Well, I was the young guy. First year uni was ridiculous because I was 21 by the time I went to uni, started that

course, and everyone was 17, 18. That's not a big age gap. Yeah. Jeez, it's a huge age gap. Right. Massive. I've been out of school since I was 15. And I just couldn't cope with first year.

So I only did six months of that degree. I went, I'm out. So when are you going back to finish that year? I'm not going to finish that one. Don't let anyone tell you learning ain't good enough. I learnt real good. We had a guy at my... No wonder you never run into anyone from school.

You only met them for like two weeks or something. It's all right. I read book. We had a guy at my high school who was a year above me when I started, and he did year 12 over two years just so that he could do the play and the musical again, just so that he could get two bites of having the lead role. Wow.

Yeah. Isn't that sad? That's really sad. Yeah, so it was like all these guys who are like the year below him and there's a degree of, you know, respect. Like you look up to the people who are the year above you, suddenly it's like, oh, you're in my maths class now. This is yuck.

Get out of here. Do you know what? Get a job. Go to uni. I got kicked out of the school play. Yes. For what? For hating being in it.

Why doesn't that surprise you at all? You are the worst little orphan, Annie, we have ever had. For hating being in it. How unfair of them. Mary Barber Prime, we will never have a school play again. I hope you're happy with yourself, little Carl. It's a fair event. Mary Barber Prime, we will never have a dance school play again. I hope you're happy with yourself, little Carl. No, but this is the thing.

They wanted me to do, they wanted me to be in it. And so I went, oh, it'll be funny for like an audition. So I went along. Hang on, they wanted what? They were begging you, please. No, they asked me to be in it. For the sake of art, you have to come and be in our play, you little smart ass. How many kids were at your school first? Yeah, well, no, I'm not bragging.

We're big fans of your work hanging shit on people out the front of the fish and chip shop. Please, save the drama department from being in this play. To be fair, it's the chicken and chip shop that I was... A lot of talent scouts walking around. That little fella's got something. I don't want anyone going into Anne-Marie's in Maribor thinking they're going to buy fish, because it's chicken and chips, fella's got something. I don't want anyone going into Anne-Marie's in Maribor thinking they're going to buy fish because it's chicken and chips,

let's be clear. That was like, you know, when Marilyn Monroe got discovered at the drugstore? Yeah, it's exactly like that. It's like they saw me throwing bumper stickers on the back of homeless people at the front of the chicken shop. Hang on, did you seriously do that? That happened once.

What was it, like Honk If You're Horny? No, it was actually a bumper sticker for condoms. That's excellent. Sweet combo. What was the play? It was some sort of detective comedy play thing. I got asked to do the audition, and then obviously I nailed it. That's a genre.

Some sort of detective comedy play. Something. I don't know. Was sort of detective comedy. Yeah, something. I don't know. Was this him alone? No. Was this a high school production of The Naked Gun? Excellent idea, Datsun. Yeah, that would be pretty great, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, or Spaceballs. Let's get on it. That'd be good. It was The Mousetrap, wasn't it? No, it wasn't a famous thing. It was like someone, I don't know, it was a miscellaneous thing. Anyway, they ended up giving me one of the main parts.

And I was like, oh, this was supposed to be just a lark at lunchtime going in and pissing around and being stupid. And I've got this major part. I'm like, oh. And then, of course, you do rehearsal. And I'm like, all right, well, I've read out the lines twice. What else do we have to do? And it was like, keep coming in at lunchtime.

Keep coming in and doing it. And I'm like, oh, I'm hating this. And then I'm like, I'm so bored, I'm not doing the lines wrong and doing them like in a different, you know, just doing them different every time to keep myself interested. Very much sounds like your approach to this show. Yeah. Here at Mary Barber High School,

our performing arts program allows students to express themselves and discover new skills. This is fun. Did you go to a Steiner school? Is that a Steiner way of doing acting? So come on down to Maryborough Primary, come in at lunchtime, piss around and have a bit of a lark.

I thought I was inventing negative improv. People say their line going, I put it to you. You murdered the woman. Oh, whatever, dickhead. So anyway. Oh, God. That was me. Oh, God. And I thought, and you know what?

I thought I had brothers in arms and I thought people were like, yeah, this is how crap's this. But everyone took it seriously. And I'm like, oh, you guys aren't serious. And they're like, yeah, to play. You know, to play, you know. Oh, to play. Anyway, so I started sort of not turning up. Was that a line from the play or was that one of your

impros? Yeah, but I started not turning up as much, but like saying I can't make it because I've got this or whatever. I think officially one of my excuses... I can't make it, I'm hating the football team. Officially one of my excuses one week was, sorry, if it's all right, I'm not going to make it this weekend because one of my mates is going to go to Ballarat to play soccer

and I'm going to go and watch him. So apparently that wasn't a good enough excuse. But I had a meeting with the teacher and I was like, look, I'm not really that into it and I didn't know I was going to have this much of a commitment. I'm not really that into it, and I didn't know I was going to have this much of a commitment. If you want to recast me, and it wasn't all the way into the rehearsals. We're probably halfway or less into the whole thing. If you find someone else wants this part, because it's quite a big part, I don't want it.

If you want me to do it, I'll do it. If someone else wants the bigger part, go for it. And they go, okay. And I'm like, cool, scot-free. Then all I hear is that teacher bitching to everyone going, oh, dickhead won't turn up for the play. Oh, everyone, he's an asshole. He's wrecked the play. And then everyone got dirty on me for wrecking the play.

I'm like, I never wanted to be in it. And I said, is it cool? And everyone said, it's cool. Then the next year, my brother wanted to go in the play and they banned him from being in the play. He wasn't allowed to go in the play, and they banned him from being in the play. He wasn't allowed to be in the play because of my legacy. Wow, that's astounding. Yeah, so even to this day, if your surname is Chandler in Narrabarra,

you cannot perform in any way. No one will let you. Yo, it is an old legend of these lands. No Chandler will ever perform on the stage. It's like the, what's the symbol, like the two masks stage It's like the What's the symbol Like the two The two masks That's like one's happy

And one's sad But they're just both angry It's bad luck It's bad luck to say Macbeth or Chandler The Scottish play And that little Grumpy cunt

Or the Australian arsehole The little dickhead No it's like yeah If you say Macbeth You ruin the play If you say Chandler Or the Australian arsehole. The little dickhead. That's brilliant. If you say McBeg, you ruin the play. If you say Chandler, you shit your pants backstage before you go on. Maybe this is filtered through to the Melbourne audition places. Maybe this is why I'm never getting any ads.

Definitely. Yeah, because they're always at lunchtime, so you're just wanting to go in and piss around and have a bit of a lark. Yeah, a few of them I didn't turn up to because I was soccer. I like that if you're writing, pitching your own ABC sitcom, you get a six-part series, every comedian's dream to attain their creative goals, and then suddenly they're going, oh, this is fucked. Yeah, I'm going to have to turn up for this.

I'm going to Ballarat. This has been a great edition of Inside the Dickhead Studio. I was in a musical at high school and I had to do a little dance with Steph McIntosh, who was on Neighbours. He had that single and was on the footy show. Ex-girlfriend of AFL footballer Nick Revolve. So that's my claim to fame. Forgot about her. What happened to her?

I think a lot of people forgot about her. Where'd she go? To school. I think she's doing plays in Maribor now. Taking all those sweet Chandler roles that are just ripe for the pick and choose. There's a glut of gigs in Maribor. The Chandlers can't do it. People say, she's no Chandler.

Yeah, she's doing it properly. Why won't they just change that rule? Want to see Chandler back in Maribor? We should put on a play in Maribor. It's like how there's no one's going to call their kid Adolf anymore. Everyone who was called Chandler who lives around the Maribor region is just going to change their name by deep holes. To get roles.

Yeah, yeah. Chandler's just not a good showbiz name anymore. What about this? Sorry, we need to get back to- Yeah, can I get back to my original thing? Yeah, so anyway, so you bump into people from high school who you haven't seen for a while and there's that- No, you don't.

There's Harley. Let's do it all again. Come on. Let's relive the good times. Sorry, I'm texting my wife. I'm not even listening. He's listening to another podcast he was on once. No, I've only been on this.

Yeah, so I bumped into a guy who I went to high school with who I hadn't seen in about eight years and wasn't particularly friendly with him at school, but it's that thing where you've got to make conversation. And I went to Kerry him at school, but it's that thing where, you know, you've got to make conversation. And I went to Kerry, the school, and this is like, I like this is an example of desperation of having nothing to talk about. So we've done the whole, hey, what's up, man? How are you?

Yeah, not bad. And then there's a couple of seconds silence and then he's just gone, so do you still go to Kerry? I'm like, nah, I didn't get held back eight years. Is that what we've come to? Have we got nothing else to talk about? Or should we just... Do you still go to Kerry?

Did he think you were 16 as well? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what it was. I just like the image of the mind just racing, going, shit, we don't know each other at all. We've got, I don't know what his, shit, we don't know each other at all. We've got, I don't know what his interests are. I don't know what he's into.

We really only have school. You know, actually, well, here's this. I hung out with someone I went to high school with the other day. And it was, you know what? It couldn't have been a better look back into how you were in high school. Because it's been a long time since high school for me and him. But we caught up, hadn't seen him for quite a while, had a few drinks together. He was going to the footy.

Great. He went to the footy. I went home. And then I thought, and his side were winning. And I went, I texted him and said, hey, if you want to have a beer afterwards, come by my place. And he's like, okay. Then his side went down, like had about five goals

kicked against it and they lost. And then he turned up. And what I realized when he turned up was I'd just been sitting at home watching football or whatever doing not much. He'd been drinking the whole time. So when he turned up to my house, he was out of his mind, like really, really, really drunk.

And he got in there and just started immediately being a complete dickhead. And it was like midnight. And he's like, all right, really drunk. And he got in there and just started immediately being a complete dickhead. And it was like midnight. And he's like, all right, I need something to eat. Take me somewhere. And then we drove around for like 40 minutes looking for something to eat. We drove past an Indian restaurant that was inexplicably open at half past 12 at night with no one in it.

And I'm like, do you want to go in there? He's like, what do you reckon? And I'm like, I really don't know. That's why I'm asking. And he goes, yeah, yeah. And I went, all right. We pulled over. And then he goes, what are we doing?

I'm like, going in the restaurant. He's like, all right. We went in the restaurant. We're sitting there for a minute. He goes. I like the idea of the people in the restaurant going, I told you this would pay off. You mocked me for wanting to be open at 1230, but who's laughing now? We sat in the restaurant.

He goes, where are we? We're getting food. He's like, all right. All right, then. And then the waiter comes along, brings out the menus and whatever. We decide on something. He starts taking our order. Mid-order, he goes, I don't want to be here anymore.

Gets up, starts to walk out, and I go, what are you doing? And the guy goes, are you leaving? He goes, nah. And then sat down again. It's like you and the play. So then, yeah, so then we ate. We ate this big meal, and then we went up to the counter to pay, and all he does without a word is pulls out his wallet,

tips it upside down, opens it to make it clear there's no money in there, and just looks at me. And I went, all right, it's on me, is it? That would have been great if he'd arranged a little moth to fly out. Yeah. You guys friends? You know, like the guns that shoot out the little messages and say bang? It's just a wallet with a spring with a sign saying get fucked.

So then we went back to my place. Good to catch up, isn't it? I'd bought a six pack. I'd bought a six-pack. I'd bought a six-pack. He just drank it like water. I had one out of it. He had five. It gets to like half past one, and my girlfriend's not home for the night.

So I'm like, you can stay here if you want. He's like, okay. So I'm going to bed. It's half past one. You've had a lot of beer. I'm going to go to bed. What he does then is not go to sleep. I had a lot of beer.

I'm going to go to bed. What he does then is not go to sleep, sat up and watched Rage in my one-bedroom apartment flat out and got on the phone to everyone that he's ever met. I just like the phrasing of watching Rage flat out. Just clip after clip. It's going for it. It just didn't stop. He was really going for that viewing.

Got on the phone to everyone he knew. He was watching it louder than anyone else I've ever seen. He watched the fuck out of those videos. What did you do? He's just calling people. Calling people. What? Calling people in the middle of the night. And I would every hour or so walk out.

Calling the Indian restaurant. Get accepted delivery. Turning up. What the fuck are you doing here? Open the wallet. I've seen your wallet, sir. I'm aware you have no money. Why did you call me here with this butter chicken?

Orders a new wallet off the internet. I wish your speed dial was like your wallet, just empty of numbers. Yeah, so he just, he's ringing everyone. I come out every hour and just go, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? So then, anyway, I just did not sleep. The catchphrase of the night.

What are you doing? So it got to like about three or four when I just did not sleep for the next two hours, three hours. I timed it. I looked at the clock. I went, right, that's it. At 6.45, I'm going to get up and it's going to be all over. So I got up. He's still awake. He's just gone., right, that's it. At 6.45, I'm going to get up and it's going to be all over. So I got up. He's still awake. He's just gone.

Hang on. What made you decide on 6.45 as a line in the sand? You don't pick a time. Yeah. You do have to pick a time. Not 7, not 6.30, 6.45. That's my Greenwich line in the sand. 6.45.

Yeah. Quarter to 7, the universal time of this'll do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Party's over. Party's over, 6.45. So I got to 6.45. Yeah. Quarter to seven, the universal time of this'll do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Party's over. Party's over, 6.45. So I got to 6.45. I went, right, I think that's it. And he's like, what?

I went, man, I haven't slept all night. You haven't gone to sleep. I love that. What? But he was like really aggressive. He was like, oh, I can see what it's like here. I can see what's going on. And I'm going, how am I?

Empty cans around his feet Butter chicken hanging out of his mouth I'm going how am I the bad man here How am I the bad guy And then I'm like hang on How are you still this drunk Because it was 6.45 I'd left him at 1.30 We'd run out of beers

Hang on what time was it again 6.45 I reckon it would probably be 6.50 by now Yeah yeah yeah that's fair After I put my dressing gown on If you can act out this story in real time from here on out. I'd like you to come out of your room with your hair in curls. I have had enough.

It's 6.45. This is ridiculous. And he's like, what are you doing with that rolling pin? It's like the dad to Macaulay Culkin at the start of that Michael Jackson video. He's been playing the guitar really loud. This is the best birthday ever. So I go, what are you doing? And then I'm like, how are you still this drunk?

He'd been without drink for five hours. And he's like more drunk. He's more drunk. So then what I find out is he has just wandered into the kitchen, found a celebratory bottle of wine that my girlfriend's mum and dad have bought for her

because she's just got a new job so they've bought her this nice bottle of wine. He's necked it. Hey, as someone who's done it, I know when you're watching Rage flat out, you work up a thirst. Let me tell you what, you are not thinking straight. He had one of those bowls. What are we talking, what sort of value is this wine? I don't know, I think like 50 bucks or something.

It's nothing. Replaceable. Anyway, it's interesting. I just find it interesting that you just walk into it. You sound like you've done that. I've done it heaps of times. I've drunk mates' wines just going, oh shit, and then in the morning looked at it and started Googling,

oh no, that was an expensive one. Yeah. So then I go, right, look man, I'm trying to be as nice as I can for a guy that's had like an hour and a half sleep. I go, right, this is, look, nothing bad. I'm just going to give you a ride home, man. He's like, oh, I can't believe you.

What's wrong with you? You know, just let me be. And I'm like, man, it's daylight. My girlfriend's coming home in an hour. You're not going to sleep it off here. Yeah, but that's when rage starts to get good, Kyle. Yeah, yeah. That's when the top 50 starts.

So he's like, right, right, okay. Look, I'll walk home. Just let me be. Glug, glug, glug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, let me be. I'll walk home. I'm like, man, I'm not doing anything bad.

I'm just going to give you a ride home. I'm going to put you in my car. We're going to ride home. It's easy. You can sleep at home. You can't sleep here. I don't see where the bad thing is. Anyway, so he gets in the car.

He's so aggro. This guy is awesome. Yeah. He's so aggro that he gets in there. He's aggro. Yeah. I'm just picturing you with a little puppet. Gets in the car.

We're driving along the highway, and he's still angry. We're in the highway, and he turns to me and goes, I feel like just opening the door and fucking jumping out. I go, man, I've put up with enough that I'm on board with that idea. I'm cool with that. Did you go, oh, wait, he did this three times in high school. Now I remember why I hated this. But it was like this.

It was like, he's a guy that I've hung out with a lot in high school and that just brought me back to high school because this is exactly how people in high school would act. So we got to his place. I drop him out of the car and he goes, he gets around the other side of the car, points at my face and goes, don't mock me. And then runs and then runs to his house. And that man became Sunshine Johnson.

So I get home and I'm thinking, man, am I the bad man? Am I a bad man out of all that? Because I tried to be as nice as I could about all of it. I didn't officially kick him out. I'm like, I'm not that bad. He's been bad, hasn't he? Has he been bad? Yes, he's been bad.

Very, very bad man. In this context, you haven't been that bad. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You have the ability to be, but I think you've been quite a sweet. In this context, you haven't been that bad. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's the funny thing about this. You have the ability to be, but I think you've been quite a sweet guy in this story. Exactly. That's the real injustice here.

This is one of the rare times where you are actually being a normal, decent person. I actually did think that. I was like... I was actually thinking... Well, this is rare. I was literally thinking, how would a nice person react in this?

You're just rubbing along in your head going, this is the exception, not the rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like Dexter, your head going, this is the exception, not the rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like Dexter trying to figure out how normal humans relate to each other. Is this nice to do? I just can't tell. Carl rapping people in glad rap, putting them on a slab and then just hanging shit on them.

I was Bicentennial Man. What is love? So I left about eight hours ago and I thought, right, he was pretty angry with me. It felt like we're not mates anymore. Yeah, they were. So I'm going to ring just to make sure because I'm like, I've gone over and over again. No, I should be the one that's angry. So let's just make sure we're all cool with this.

So I rang and no answer. Ring again, no answer. I rang heaps of times over the next 12 to 24 hours. And I'm like, oh, he's cracked them. We're not mates anymore. That's it. And then I start sending messages going, oh, don't be a fuckhead. Like, you know, I start getting angry going, right, I'm going to get angry.

I'm the one that's going to call off a friendship. No, bugger this. Here comes Chandler. Anyway, it gets to like 48 hours later. I'm sitting on the sofa at home. My girlfriend says, why have you left your phone under the couch? I'm like, my phone's in my hand. Oh, he's left his phone under the couch.

I've been ringing it flat out for two days. Flat out. Excellent, because now you can delete all that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Delete everything. So then I finally get in touch with him four days later, which I find quite weird that he's left his phone there. So he finally comes around to my house, and I'm like,

where are we going to be standing with this? And he just comes in and goes, yeah, it was a good night the other night. I hope I didn't do anything bad or anything. And I went, oh, this is what happened. And then he goes into a massive shame spiral. He's very shocked and whatever. And, you know, perfect outcome in that he's very embarrassed of what's happened. He's laughing at what happened because it's so ridiculous.

And then I go, actually, hang on. I get to the end of the story where I go, then you just necked a whole bottle of wine. And then I go, hang on. Our bathroom, you have to go into my bedroom to go to the bathroom. You're out there for five, six hours drinking a bottle of wine. Where did you go to the toilet? And he went, I don't know. Would I have gone in the sink?

I'm like, oh, yeah, because I've been using that sink for the last four days. Cool. That's the worst. What an arsehole. But I don't know. It's not confirmed because we're on the second floor as well. So you're not just going to walk outside. He did it off the balcony.

I really. No, but you know what else? The door was locked, which you could have unlocked yourself. But in his state, he wouldn't have unlocked it. He couldn't have figured out how to unlock it. I think if someone's fine, the sort of person that's fine with just stealing and drinking a bottle of wine that's not theirs is the same sort of person who would have no qualms about pissing in a sink.

Yeah. Absolutely. I'm a little bit worried about that. Well, not worried. You know, I've lived it. I've lived it already. Yeah. Well, I mean, because you worked that out too late.

You've already obviously used the sink thousands of times before finding that out. Big deal. It's no big deal. There's things for cleaning stuff anyway. That's how I'm rationalising it. Yeah, it's like taking a dump on a bar of soap. Yeah, that's good. That's exactly what it's like.

I've done it again. It's like vomiting in a car wash. It's like spitting on a cat that's already cleaning itself. It's like crushing a nun's head with a cinder block. Just all classic examples of things that are... It's like jerking off into the dishwasher. And isn't that a good Sunday afternoon? And we can all relate to that, you know? Yeah.

Nothing like a dishwasher jerk. Yeah. It's like strangling your dad with a tea towel. Yeah. He deserved it. He came at me with those fucking hands. So today's phone-in topic, when was the last time you watched Rage flat out?

Give us a call. 1-800-FUCK-YOU. Win yourself a bottle of wine. Actually, just take it yourself, whatever happens. What I don't understand, right, is I have done a lot of drinking in my life, heaps of drinking. I'm good at it, and I've had to take a lot of self-imposed times off alcohol because I'm that good at it. I've never had a moment where I've had that amount of epic stuff happen that I don't remember.

Well, yeah. Was your friend Pete Sharkey? No, no, no. Because I'm in a close mate that blacks out all the time, but I don't know that I believe the genuine blackout. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't buy it. I've had brief moments of blackouts where people go,

oh, you did this, but it's like a, you know, it's a 10-minute window or something or it's a line that someone said or it's an action, not hours and hours. So it's either I have never experienced the proper blackout or all of the people that have blackouts just can't face up to their shameful behaviour. They're like, oh, yeah, no, I just don't remember. Fuck off, you don't remember.

You know what you did? You pissed in the sink and you acted like an arsehole watching rage flood out your journey. I'm fine with him. The bit at the end of the story, it's like a one-off thing. It's like, you know, whatever. It's a thing that happened. But the funny thing was he goes, at the end,

I told him the whole story and I'm like, oh, yeah, man, it's pretty bad. And he's like, oh, yeah, man, it's pretty bad. And he's like, yeah, oh, man, I'm really embarrassed. But to be fair, that was the start of my weekend. He went home and bought a slab. You didn't go home and go to bed. Go again. Yeah.

And he, yeah. I think he got quite angry in the bathroom when there wasn't a half-flush function on his sink. You should have known that, though, because you probably did drop him off at the Thirsty Camel. Here we go, this is me, number seven. That's one of the all-time greats, Carl. That is a great story there, my friend. It's very good. Yeah, so.

Yeah, just getting back to the blackout thing, I've only had that once where I've genuinely not remembered. And even when you get told, you go, that's not in my head at all. It was actually my birthday drinks three years ago. I remember the drinks, but then when I got home, it was with my then girlfriend. She was like, yeah, you kept getting up in the middle of the night and trying to open the door and you couldn't open the door and you were talking to me.

And I had no memory of it at all. And it terrified me cause it was like, it was like, do I sleepwalk? Like, cause you know what I mean? Like where you wouldn't know if you didn't, cause we didn't live together at the time or anything and she didn't stay around that much. I was like, oh, is this a thing that I do that I just don't know about? Cause if no one's around, how are you going to find out? Anyway.

I think that the only time I've ever done it, and I do it in stand-up sometimes. I don't know if I've said it on the show, but the one time I've ever blacked out, I booked a restaurant. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. I booked dinner for two at a restaurant, which, yeah, is pretty rock and roll.

One of my closest friends blacks out all the time. So now as punishment, because he does some horrific stuff to me, usually, violently, assaults me, actually. So in the morning when he calls to do the trying to, you know, exonerate him phone call or find out what happened, I just don't answer. I'll let it go for a day, depending on what he's done, two days. And I'm like, you can sit on that and just do a round.

And especially if he's done nothing, I'll let it go as well because that's funnier. Just let him think. You should just go go say just hold up a variety of objects that are supposed to represent the story of what happened let's just kind of try and put it together this together a drunken horoglyphic the best thing he left my house once i lived on a one-way street um uh in st kilda and it was actually a rare sort of quiet little select group of area of St Kilda and he said goodbye to me and he's walking down this street

and he goes goodbye Harley from number 19 Harley brain and number 19 goodbye and then he gets up on the cars they're all parked bum to bum and runs across all of them setting off car alarms see you Harley brain from 19.

That James Strange. And then at the end of the street, he does this Hollywood style jump and turn as if he's going to shoot someone. And does this little wave. Lands it and runs off into the night. Oh, man. Like a drunk ninja. Yeah, that's some epic arseholery.

Arseholery? Yeah. The Blackout is very werewolf, isn't it? It's like you wake up and you're naked in the woods and you're like, what did I do? Oh, man. He slapped me in the face so hard once that I saw stars for about an hour.

Wow. You've got to stop hanging out with this guy. No, I love him. Is he Elmer Fudge? Yeah. You've got to stop hanging out in the Warner Brothers. He's an excellent person. How about we change this?

We don't have much time left, I assume. No. Yeah. This studio blows up in seconds. I've got something that maybe we can take out the show on. I just, the very top of the show when you said I've just, I said I'd found something. I found something better than the thing I was looking for. I found something saved in my laptop here.

Now, this happened about five years ago, five, I guess five years ago. Someone at the Unknown Comic, someone that didn't put their name to this, did a review on every comic in Melbourne five years ago. And I saved it. We called it The List at the time. Did a review on every comic in Melbourne five years ago. Oh. The list. And I saved it. We called it the list at the time. And I saved it. And I haven't read this for quite a long time.

We certainly haven't talked about it on the show. This is big news in the Warrnambool comedy community. Yeah. But that would mean Michael Williams and I talked about it. Yeah. It was on MySpace, wasn't it? It was on MySpace. That's how long ago it is, yeah.

It was on MySpace. It was called The Unknown Comic. Was it called that? I don't know. So it was someone did it and they had reviewed everyone who was doing it. And it was obviously someone who went to a lot of gigs because there were people on the list who'd done maybe 10 gigs, like a handful of gigs. And yeah, it was very honest and it was very...

The sort of honesty that you can use when no one knows who's saying it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe I'll read out Tommy Daslow's. It's his birthday. It's only his birthday. I've actually never read it.

Oh, really? I don't know that much. I never read it. Yeah. I don't even know about it. Right. Okay. Well, because it's not a podcast that you're on, so why would you?

But if it mentions me in it, it's amazing I haven't found it through the incessant Google search. Well, Harley Breen, you are on it. It's not going to be good. Let's do this. Tommy Daslow. Excellent comic. Can come across as a little arrogant at times.

A little self-righteous, if you will. But a strong performer and has proven himself as such. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Okay, good. Well, you would say that. You're very self-righteous. Of course you're going to say that. I wouldn't agree with the arrogance and self-righteousness now,

but back then. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't agree with... It wasn't from a bad point of view. I wouldn't agree with... He had a confidence about you. Here we go.

What's he going to say? I wonder what he's going to say. I wouldn't agree with the excellent comic book. You do comedy good. Oh, that's a joke. That's a joke. Happy birthday to say. I wouldn't agree with the excellent comic. You do comedy good. Oh, that's a joke. That's a joke. That's a joke technically. Mate, don't piss in my sink and tell me it's the toilet.

Okay, I'll let you know. That is the new expression. You're an excellent comic, man. And I performed it very strongly as well. That was. You've proven yourself as such. What's yours? Let's have yours.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. I'm not going to piss in your sink. I'm not going to drink your bottle of wine. I'm not going to jump out of your car on the highway. I'm not going to piss in your sink and tell you it's palm oil. I'm not going to jerk off into your dishwasher. Harley brain. Let's get to Harley brain.

Let's get to Harley brain. This Let's get to Harley Brune. This is like a strange roast where we've outsourced the roast. Something from five years ago. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can we talk about the theories of who it was? No. Well, let's just do it first. Let's just do it first.

It was Chandler. It wasn't me. It should have been me. It should have been me. Oh, what a surprise. I just found this thing on my computer that I wrote a few years ago. Yeah, it's called Draft 1. The unknown dickhead.

Oh, come on. Give us the list that you wrote about the people in your play at... Yeah, yeah, yeah. In their primary. Yeah, all of them ended. Couldn't have played the detective any better than me. Harley Breen. If ever Dave Thornton, Fox Klein, Josh Earle,

and this guy are on the same bill, I will have to lock my woman in a cell somewhere in the Middle East because it would be all over for us. I think that's implying that you're a rapist. Harley Breen is a dynamo of energy and talent and proves himself every time he hits the stage. He is funny, charming and witty. Just needs to watch the fast food.

It can creep up on you, mate. Trust me, I know. He's a fat joke. You fat fuck. He's all right. You fat rapist. He said at the start I could take his girlfriend, but I'm also a bit of a fat fuck.

She's got a thing for big gats. No fat comedians have ever been successful either, so that'll really hurt your career. Hang on, hang on, hang on. In the last five years, have you been on the same bill as Dave Thornton, Fox and Klein and Josh Earle, and have you rooted someone's wife after that? No, he wouldn't have because that would-

Well, I rooted my wife. Did you write this list? No, he definitely wouldn't have because if that bill happened, this said woman would be locked in a cage in the Middle East. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just in the Middle East, in a cage in the Middle East. There's so much wrong with it. The cages in Australia can't keep a woman.

Tom Ballard, I'm looking for Tom Ballard. He's the real injustice. No mention. Unless you are Tom brackets blonde dreads because he got a review. Whoever that is. He never had dreadlocks. I did have that crazy phrase. I feel like if you can't remember their last name, you shouldn't be bagging them out on

your list. I feel like the bare minimum is you should know their full name. What did Blond Reds get? Blond Reds hasn't shown a great deal of promise, not that overly impressed, but he's new and will be given the usual graces, but that won't last forever, Tom, so heads down. So if that is you, then at least you've taken that advice by chopping off the Blond Reds. That's true. And now have a very nice media career.

And maybe you will last forever now. This is like when Conan O'Brien was doing the Late Late Show and he got that horrible review and then he turned it all around. Yeah. What was the point of this? Because clearly the only people who are going to read the unknown comic stuff is the Melbourne comedy scene. And they're just going to read their own reviews and shit.

So it's like, who are you reviewing it for? You're not reviewing it for punters as to who to go and see and stuff. It's just like, here's what I think of you. I'm not going to put my name to it. Strange, borderline psychopathic behaviour. Let's send this out with a bit of, what does the K-Man get on there? All right, let's do that. Okay, now here is an interesting case.

Hang on, no, is this the list or is this a psych evaluation that you've done last week? I never want to have a review that starts with, okay. That's horrible. Here's the thing. Interesting case. Look is another great one. Look. Yeah, it great one. Look.

Yeah, it feels like I'm getting broken up with already. Okay, now here's an interesting case. Not sure where to start with this one. Some great one-liners, but has chosen a genre that is very black and white. You're either great at it or you suck at it. There's no point in being in between with such competition from the greats, i.e. Hedberg, Dimitri Martin, etc. Carl has the potential to be one of them.

I'm not sure what it is holding him back. Lack of drive? Lack of preparation? I know he writes a lot, as he is always doing new jokes, but there is an element missing that limits his potential. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe all of the experience on the stage he missed out on in Maribor. I hope for his sake he ups the ante and finds what it is before too much time has passed and he's overlooked.

Very popular. No mention of having sex with his girlfriend, but that's something. Control S. What a weird thing that exists. Well, this was written before podcast, so it's like if only there was something else that he could do that he could put his name to. Maybe we should bring this up on later shows because there's a lot of comics reviewed in there, so maybe we can bring this out next time we have comics. That's really not going to do much to sway the popular opinion that you wrote it.

If you just start reading it out to everyone who comes on this show. I promise it's not me, and we all know that it's not me. There's no way. He said the things were too nice about you and me for Carl to have written that. There's no way that was Carl. Have you just saved all of them? What have you done?

But when have I been a person that's scared to put my name to something? No, that's the other thing. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Give us one more. Did someone just get pillared? Yeah, but should I not maybe put a name to the person, to this person?

Sure. Give us the most brutal one. All right. I'll give you a very brutal one that's not, and we won't mention the name. Something, a nice note to send this episode out on. Nice little dessert. Happy birthday. You're right.

Right. Now, I always knew this one was going to be hard. Harley's just yawning, everyone. Just wait for it. Look, I'll read your review again. That'll be good. Right, here's someone, an unknown person. Right, now I always knew this one was going to be hard for me,

as this young man does two things for me. One, he repulses me beyond belief. X is a terrible comic who has only grown in confidence, not in talent. He's so bad, he's become a joke among comics and punters alike. And we all know it. Now, secondly, he is so bad he's become a joke among comics and punters alike. And we all know it. Now secondly, he's so bad that I love him. For all the comics

I have to recommend to never take the stage again I truly mean it, but as bad as this guy gets let him stay just so we get to see the spectacle that he is. Annoying, arrogant and talentless. And the way he holds the microphone, argh. I'm sorry, you're simply not good. Guys, Luke McGregor is not that bad.

You're simply not good. You have Luke McGregor is not that bad. You're simply not good. You have no social graces or any sense of etiquette, spelt E-D-I-C-A-T, and should be kept away from humans at all time. I know this will probably not even register with you as you simply won't get it, but seriously, give it up. Try drug smuggling. And at the very least, change your name from AllSop. That last bit. That last bit.

That last line. Hip, hip. Can we point out very quickly that the way that you found that document on your computer is that you were searching for the phrase, let's bum. Yes. That is a thing. That is correct I was searching for the phrase let's bum on my laptop and I and that came up yeah just

cuz I'm on the podcast I want to know who gets called a bum on the list yeah well guys I think that does bring us to the end of another edition of the little dum-dum Club Harley breenard, thank you very much for joining us. Yay! Have a great day, mate. Thanks, mate. Harley, you've got some bit of touring coming up. Yeah, if there's WA fans at the Dum Dum Club, which I know there are, they said g'day to me the last

time I was over there, I will be touring throughout Western Australia with the Kingswood and I, which is the DVD audience. Unfortunately, the people over there don't have one central website, so you just have to Google it. You'll find it on Twitter and Facebook. Yeah, Harley Brown on Twitter.

On Twitter and Facebook. So it's from Port Hedland to Esperance to Margaret River and sort of bits and pieces all in between that last day. What month? What month are you going? All of September. September. Great.

And, yeah, if you've not seen Harley live before, definitely go and check him out. He's a powerhouse. I might steal your girlfriend. Please lock up your woman. Lucky Dave Thornton's not part of the stage. Plenty of time to go over to the Middle East, get that cage, and then come straight back.

Ballad people can, of course, hear you on Triple J every morning. You got anything else coming up? Any shows or anything? You can catch me and my dreadlocks supporting Will Anderson in Darwin on November 10th. I'm really excited about that gig. I'm going to be in WA in October too. I can't say what the thing is for. Oh.

It's a stupid thing. Oh. That's going to be happening. What a plug. Some stupid thing. But I can't say when and where it is. Come along. Yeah.

That's in October. Yeah, that'll be really great. And I believe last time I was on the podcast, I mentioned that I'll be releasing a CD of my show. Still working on that. So stay tuned for that. They're handcrafted CDs, to be fair. They are.

You're crocheting them all. My website is tumblr.com.au and I'm on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. And if you'd like a T-shirt, a Little Dumb Dumb Club T-shirt, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. Send us an email. We've also got the Facebook, theshirt a Little Dumb Dumb Club t-shirt littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com send us an email we've also got

the Facebook the Twitter at Dumb Dumb Club thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time see you mates