The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 104 - Tom Gleeson & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: September 18, 2012

Cough Buttons, Xavier's Corner and Guess The Chief. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. How are you going over there, buddy? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

I actually, I didn't go to Maryborough the other day. I tried to go to Maribor the other day My hometown Story's off to a great start Yeah I didn't achieve something Yes I haven't been there all year

And what I did I wanted to go and see my folks And you know what I went to go and see them And I rang them just before I I sort of got out of Melbourne and said Hey it's still cool Because I'd sort of arranged

It's still cool to come up to Maribor today to see you And they're like We we're down the beach. So I had to change my route and go down the beach to see them. So I didn't get to go to Maribor. But what I did get out of it was there's been quite a lot of talk on the show lately about proposals and stuff like that people think that I should maybe do with my girlfriend and stuff like that. And you know what I've always thought, which was quite good, was my mum and dad have never,

they're very supportive and they've never put any pressure on me for anything. Yeah. Well, that's not a good thing because that's the cause of all the problems that we see in front of us right now. Maybe. But I've always respected that they don't interfere with my life and that's pretty cool, I think. But I got my first heads up about the heat from a proposal.

Awesome. And it wasn't even from my mum, it was from my first heads up about the heat from a proposal. Awesome. And it wasn't even from my mum, it was from my dad. Oh, even more awesome. Yeah, my dad's like, what have you been up to? So what are you doing? Are you getting married soon or what? Yes. And I go, oh, yeah, that's another angle I need heat from.

Awesome. And then mum goes, don't listen to him. Coming from a guy who didn't propose to me, this is how we got married. He said, he just out of the blue went, so what's going on? Are we getting married or what? So I don't think I've got too much to live up to. That's what will end up happening with you.

That's what it'll end up being. Will it? Yeah, I reckon. That's the thing to aim for. No, all I have to do is be better than that, I think. Yeah, I reckon you'll still cock it up somehow. That's my aim. I'm going to be better than that. I'm going I reckon you'll still cock it up somehow. That's my aim. I'm going to be better than that.

I'm going to be more romantic than a rhetorical proposal. Well, what about this? I got a phone call the other day from a blocked number, and so I answered it because, you know, I'm always curious about what that's going to be. Yeah. And this voice on the other line goes, Andrew, we're coming to get you, Andrew.

And I went, what? And he goes. And you thought, hang on, have I changed my name again? And he goes, Andrew, we're coming to get you, Andrew. And I went, what? And he goes. And you thought, hang on, have I changed my name again? And he goes, this is Andrew. And I went, nah. And he goes, oh, yeah, sorry, and hangs up. But it was really threatening. It was like, we're coming to get you.

Like, it was really intense. So, Andrew, if you're out there, I hope you're okay. Heads up. Big show today. Two old mates. Yep. First making his, what is this? This will be number four?

His fourth appearance on the show? Maybe. It's everybody's mate, Xavier Michaelides. Yay! Thanks, guys. Thanks for having me back. It's great to be here. It's great to have you back.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm always happy to do it, more than I have been. I don't know why it's taken me so long to come back again. I could do heaps more. Yeah. I've got nothing else to do. Yeah. You should have me on every week. I can have my own little segment.

This is the reason why we haven't had you on for a fifth time. Can we do a thing like Xavier's Corner? What would you do? What would you do? What's in Xavier's Corner? I don't know, have a little theme music. Xavier's Corner. Xavier, what's happening this week?

Ah, tell you what, guys. And then, I don't know, something funny. I'd prepare something for that, for Xavier's Corner. That's the pitches for most. Yeah, maybe prepare your pitch. That's how most TV shows end up getting on the air, isn't it? And then something funny. Bang, you're on.

Here's 10 grand. You put more thought into your jingle than you did your pitch then. I think the jingle was the selling point there. It sounds like if I heard that jingle, I'd be like, I'm going to tune in for this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This sounds good. All right, well, join us next week for more Xavier's Corner.

Also, it's been a long time since he's been on the show. You may know him. You can see him at the moment on The Beer Factor on Go. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Tom Gleeson. Hello. I'm back. I'm promoting Go on a podcast. I'm so off peak, it's ridiculous.

Hey everyone, tune in to Go. Tune in to Go. Watch Go. Do you want to promote your fanzine in a neighbourhood watch newsletter at the same time? Oh, I know. It's like having an ad in street press. Hang on, I do that as well during the festival.

Man. Now, that intrigues me. For our international listeners, Go is like a, what is it, a digital channel? Yeah, Channel 9. So, well, all the free-to-air networks, I don't know, about three years ago, all got extra networks. So, Channel 9 now has Go and Gem. And I like that they've got a station called Go because even the station is telling you

to go elsewhere. Because I'd like to think... Go! It's even got an exclamation mark. You turn it on, it's like Go, and you're like, fair enough. If you don't like this, just go, all right? Why are you here? It's just reruns of Big Brother.

Read a book. That's how I see it. I like the big of, like, you know, you have the chief of networking on Channel 9, but then you have the chief of programming on Go, which is just a guy in some beaten-up old office, and you come in and it's like, oh, Tommy, have you got the show done this week? No?

Okay, we'll put another Knight Rider on. That's cool. Don't worry about it. It's going to be fine. Go. I mean, the station almost could have been called Go Outside. Go Outside. We'll drop the outside.

We'll keep the Go. All right? Yeah. I like on 11, which is, you know, Channel 10's digital channel, Go outside We'll drop the outside We'll keep the go Alright yeah I like on 11 Which is you know Channel 10's Digital channel I don't know if they're still doing it But they've got that weird

Couch time thing Those two guys Like doing fill in stuff Yeah yeah It's like a Saturday Disney thing But it just goes For the whole day And then instead of

Showing cartoons They cut to Yeah Old sitcoms From the 60s Yeah and then they Introduce Neighbours It's like I'm an adult.

I can handle a switch from one program to another. I don't need two guys to talk me through it in the middle. I'm not going to freak out and go, why is everyone skin yellow all of a sudden? It's like they can't produce a whole new brand new TV show. They can just create tiny new bits between the shows. It's like sort of a house and they look at the bricks and go, let's just put new cement in, new mortar in between the bricks.

We'll keep the same bricks. I actually haven't watched The Beer Factor yet, but I'm interested in it because it's got to be one of the kind of first actual original shows that the digital channels are doing. Like they actually haven't, because I thought when they all start up, I thought this would be great because there'll be a lot of new programming, they'll take more risks because it's digital and the stakes aren't as high. After three years, they've taken one risk.

And I'm it. Risky Tom Gleeson. Kenny hosts a show. Let's not risk it on nine. We'll put it on go so that people watch and then go elsewhere. It'll be fine. But, yeah, I think it's one of the first shows that's not a repeat on go or any of the digital networks. But it's The Beer Factor.

It's essentially about beer inventions trying to find one. It's like The Inventors but entertaining. I'd never saw The Inventors. How many different inventions of beer can there be? Well, there's only five episodes. I think there's two to go and a grand final. But you'd be surprised. I thought exactly the same thing. I thought, what are you going to have, like a coaster with a solar five episodes. I think there's two to go and a grand final. But you'd be surprised. I thought exactly the same thing.

I thought, what are you going to have, like a coaster with a solar panel on it and then that's it? But no, because it's just one of those things that people spend a lot of time thinking about. That coaster sounds like it should be in Xavier's Corner, to be honest. Yeah, I think you stole that from Xavier's Corner, actually. That was my bit I had prepared. That was the first thing that was in Xavier's Corner was a coaster.

You know when your beer goes cold? Well, this little thing will warm it right up. Are you sick of sticking your coaster into a fucking outlet? Well. Well. Get your eyes around this little bastard. There's a lot of bad language in Xavier's Corner. It's very blue.

I'm not taking the blame for that. That's Xavier in my head. That's Xavier. That's part of the pitch, though. We say the words that other corners are scared to say. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Fuck. Oh. Da-da-da-da-da-da. G'day, fuckers. I love this.

I think, can we pitch this to go? I think they'll do it. I think they're keen for that one. Go into Xavier's corner. Yeah. Alright. That's where we needed the theme song again. Da-da-do. Go into Xavier's corner. That's what we needed the theme song again Sorry Go on and save his corner

That's what she said What? I should mention that we are I only This is just for the people You know I've got to explain what's going on here In the studio

The people I'm with Are not as experienced as I am at broadcasting And I showed them the cough button They haven't seen the cough button So you can cough Like that and not ruin people's ears. I like how you're demonstrating a cough with not a cough to their ears. No, no, but I reckon you'd be able to hear the cough through your microphone. Yeah, maybe.

See, I know that because I've worked in broadcasting. I know that there's still more than one microphone that's on. I'm pretty sure. I'll just try it. Get fucked. I'm pretty sure you would have heard that through the other speakers. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. We'll see. It's going to be an interesting one for the edit suite later on.

See if this gets picked up. No, I'm saying going back because there was that moment that we had where there was a pause and no one talked. Yeah. That would have been a perfect time to cough. Yeah. Okay. Sorry.

Yeah. Like that. Let's just go back in post and say we were all coughing. Okay. It wasn't awkwardness. It wasn't lack of experience. That is a big difference between podcasting and commercial radio.

Learning about coughing. That's obviously something we don't pick up on immediately with podcasts. No one's here to teach us about coughing, sneezing, anything like that. That's why I listen to podcasts, though, is for all the bodily functions that you don't get in your normal commercial radio. When you hear Ira Glass

on This American Life just hocking up a loogie. Just cutting one, yeah. Just... This is Ira Glass, welcome to This American Life. That's who you live for. Am I right? Is Ira Glass in this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good of you to check the reference

after you've made it about eight times. Ira Glass doesn't have a button, so yeah, that's why you hear that. But also that's not usually a problem because that part's never normally near the microphone. Well, if you need a button, I'd suggest you need to make a microphone. Or the other one.

I've farted out of my mouth before. That's happened to me before. I've burped and gone, that's technically a fart. If it's going to happen to anyone, it would be you, Xavier. We'll talk about this quickly. Now, I think we've mentioned on the show before, mother of a friend of the show of Nick Cody, Karen Cody,

getting in touch with you and telling you to buy Nick things for his birthday. Frequent correspondence, even lately. All she does is send me updates of how many days it is to go before Nick Cody's birthday. Just the number. So it'll be 303. That's it. That's the whole message. Yeah, just 303.

Awesome. Text message, 303. Yeah, no Facebook. Oh. Yeah. Just 303. Well, I've never met her. I had never had any correspondence with her.

I only knew about all that stuff through your stories. And then a couple of weeks ago, actually, on my birthday, I got a Facebook message from her. I've never spoken to her before, never met her. Hi, Tommy. Nick said that he was catching up with you for your birthday. I don't know when it is, but have a great one. Any friend of Nick's is a friend of mine, brackets, except Carl.

So, yeah, now I'm being dragged into this. What has she got against you? I don't know. I'm not sure. I think it's the same thing that most people in general have against me. I don't know. I tend to make enemies very quickly.

I don't know. Yeah. I'm a bit excited about the fact that on Facebook it just says 303. Yeah. Yeah, that's the whole thing. So if you went through all of our correspondence, as you can on Facebook, there's just a lot of numbers.

And it'll be like 274 and me saying shut up, and then 203, go away. Just counting down and insults. So one day you'll be caught up in some sort of spy espionage thing and they'll look at that and go, oh, okay, this is some sort of number station type deal going on. Imagine if we do that from now on, like maybe just spend a week only using numbers on Facebook and Twitter.

That'd be exciting because I reckon after a while people would think they had to decode it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd just drive people insane. It'll be like a beautiful mind. There'd just be all these people just going crazy. But we have to retweet the numbers, those, and like go, oh, favourite that.

For other people. Yeah, retweet and favourite them and go, this is great. So people start going, oh, okay, I better pay attention to this shit. Yeah, just Melbourne comedians are working in binary from now on. I think we could start up a new corner of the show opposite Xavier's corner, with your permission, of course, Xavier. Well, technically we're allowed three other corners. Yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, where do you want it to be? Like, to your left or to your right or directly opposite you? I think directly opposite to begin with. Just to get a balance. Well, I think it should be the Nick Cody birthday countdown corner. Right, okay. Yeah, once a week we can give an update on how it is. Yeah, and you just come in, do-do-do-do-do-do, 27.

And that's it. Nice. Come in, do-do-do-do-do, 27. And that's it. That is how someone got a show on go. What was your Beer Factor jingle? How did that go? I'm not sure there is one, actually. It doesn't have a theme song as such, but Elbowskin play music coming in and out of the breaks. Right, right, right.

So they play stuff. I think the show actually starts just with the logo. The logo comes up and the sound of it being riveted to a wall. Yeah. You know that effect? Yeah, yeah. On TV, just... Not that one.

It's just like, ping, ping, ping, ping. Oh, like... It's like bullets. It's like they've been bolted there or something. Yeah, but using one of those bolt guns that shoot the bolts in. Ping, ping, ping, like that. That's right. So what happens is the beer factor comes up,

ping, ping, ping, ping, and then the audience claps and then it starts. Does an Aussie guy go, beer factor, like that? There is a voiceover, actually. I don't know who it is. I never met him. He did it afterwards without asking me. I'm enjoying this a lot.

Can you continue to act out a whole episode for us? Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. Round of applause. A guy I've never met before going, welcome to the beer factor. And then I say, welcome to the beer factor. We double up on that front, actually. Well, you must feel very welcome once you start watching it. Yeah, you're very welcome.

You've been applauded. It's one step away from them coming around to your house and just putting your slippers on for you. And giving you a basket full of fruit when you move in. Yeah, you are a welcome wagon of beer factory. And Tommy Little's the co-host? Yeah, that's right, Tommy Little. He's one of the judges. He's the judge.

Yeah, as well as Sally Dominguez, who is someone who has actual qualifications. She's a designer. As opposed to Tommy that has no qualifications. No, he just has drunk beer before. And he's got arm muscles. They're qualifications. He's a very charming chap.

He's a charming guy. He's full of potential. One day he's going arm muscles. They're qualifications. He's a very charming chap. He's a charming guy. He's full of potential. One day he's going to be wonderful. And in this capacity, he just decides whether or not beer inventions are good. I tease him like this on the show, actually. Oh, good. Oh, man, I'm going to actually start watching.

That's why I wanted him on the show. I just wanted someone who wasn't me. It's the exact opposite. He's like, not as educated. That's a fact. Got more hair, more attractive, younger, single. So, yeah, it's just like, yeah. He's very easy to make fun of.

You should have just called him Not Tom. That would have been better. Yeah. The way you were making fun of him before, I have to point out, because this is on the internet, I think that's technically you're trolling him, just by having done that on this show. Oh, mate.

So, yeah. That's so tricky. We say no to trolls. Stop the trolls. You should have pushed the troll button on the console in front of you. Yeah. Vail Tommy Little. I pressed it.

But I don't know if it picked up in the other mic. We don't know. We sure don't know. We'll do this. I've been holding out on this for you, Xavier. Now, anyone that's friends of the show that's seen me do stand-up, I do a routine about my girlfriend. It's based on a true story about my girlfriend hearing my jokes and misinterpreting them. Hearing them and then coming back and repeating

the jokes back to me later and having them completely ass up and having them completely incorrect. But that's the way it is in her head. Now, I did a routine about that and I've exaggerated some, made up some new jokes, whatever it is. But I sort of forgot that it actually did come from a real place. A couple of them were completely 100% real. So we went to, we were at a show, you and I, Xavier, we did a show together a little while back at a restaurant. The Steve Columbaris' restaurant. George Columbaris' restaurant, which you announced as Steve's.

Steve Columbaris at his own restaurant. Yeah, at his own restaurant, which kept which you announced as Steve. Steve Colin Barris at his own restaurant. Yeah, at his own restaurant, which kept getting you laughs every time you said it. And you're like, I don't know why, but I'll keep saying it. He just kept saying it, his name. I don't know why it's so funny. Oh, his name's George. Whoops. Professional.

But it's good, though. It would have sounded like you were dressing him down, because despite all his fame on MasterChef. Yeah. Good on you, Steve. Good on you, Steve. Some other bald person could call you Steve. Give my well wishes to Jack Preston.

And his scarf. Oh, now he's downgraded his cravat. So anyway, she saw you and she's seen you before and we went away from the show and she went, oh, he didn't do my favourite bit. I'm like, oh, really? What was the bit that you really like? Now, to set this up properly, I need to get you to do the bit so that we all know what's

going on. Hey, hey, hey, but I thought you guys have a no bits policy on this show. No, but as long as it's set up like this. So just for now, I'm not going to do the bit and he goes, oh, it's still material. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, if you do a bit, you just got to press the cough button. The whole time. There, no, no. If you do a bit, you've just got to press the cough button. The whole time. The gear button.

Now, it's the bit where you combine existing impersonations. Oh, okay. Would you be able to do it quickly? I can do that bit. Should I do the backstory of why I made this bit? Oh, no, I'll just do it. Just do it. We need to eat some time.

Please do the backstory. No, no, no, we'll do that later. Okay, and so the bit is that I say I don't do normal impressions. What I like to do is combine existing impressions because that's advanced sort of stuff. That's advanced impression work. And so imagine if Robert De Niro was Chewbacca. I think it would go a little bit like this. Now, imagine me doing the

classic De Niro face. I have to describe the face. No, you don't actually say that on stage. I don't say that, no. I do the face. I'm going to do it now. You do the hand actions. You do the jaw down and the eyebrows up. Just get a picture on Google of De Niro. Everyone, everyone, just stop

the podcast. Google Rob De Niro in Casino. Rob De Niro. Bob De Niro. Everyone, just stop the podcast. Google Rob De Niro in casino. Rob De Niro. Bob De Niro. Bobby De Niro. Bobby De. Bobby De Niro. You've got it up, everyone?

Yeah. Okay. And then I do this sound. I go, like that. Yeah, yeah. And that's the Chewbacca thing, and everyone laughs. And actually, what happens is some people laugh, other people sort of groan.

I go, hey, it is what it is. Yeah, yeah. And that's the actual joke. The joke is me saying it is what it is. I've only seen it do really well, to be honest. Yeah, exactly. Because Chewbacca's noise comes out of Robert De Niro's face. That's why it's funny for me.

That was the compliment I was fishing for. I'm saying, are you looking at Robert De Niro and Chewbacca's brow comes out? That is classic Xavier's Corner. Now we just need Joe Pesci and R2-D2's noise coming out. R2-D2. R2-D2. It's like a nickname for R2-D2. Come here, R2-D2.

I thought you said Auntie Doody. I think that's actually the noise that R2-D2 makes. Auntie Doody from Good Times or something? Yeah. Don't talk about Good Times. It always ends up being racist. Yeah. It's just risky.

Just don't talk about black people. So that's my girlfriend's favorite bit. And she goes, oh, he didn't do my favorite bit. And I said, what bit's that? And she goes, you know, the bit with Rob De Niro and Schumacher and whatever. And I go, and Chewbacca. And she goes, no, it's got an S at the start. And I go, Chewbacca doesn't have an S at the start.

Chewbacca's with a C at the start. She goes, not Chewbacca, Schumacher. I go, are you saying Robert De Niro and Schumacher? That makes no sense. And she goes, yes, it does. You know that noise he makes? That's Schumacher. That makes no sense. And she goes, yes, it does. You know that noise he makes? That's Schumacher driving past. Oh, no.

She thinks I'm just combining the sound. Imagine if Robert De Niro made car sounds. I think it would go like this. That's actually good. Because it's Robert De Niro's face, but a car sound comes out of it. It shouldn't. That doesn't make sense. That makes it comedy.

I'll do De Niro Chewbacca first. And I'll go, imagine if Robert De Niro was Chewbacca. Imagine Robert De Niro combined with a power drill. Look at his old De Niro combined with a power drill. Yeah. He's looking, he's your De Niro. No, no, no. Imagine if Robert De Niro was Chewbacca driving an F1 car. I think it would go a little bit like this.

That F1 car needs some work done on it. I know. It is in trouble. It's really messed up, man. So I've been saving that up for a while while waiting for you to come back on the show. And I said to a man, I am so, I've got to talk about this on the show. And she's like, today, I said, this is the day I'm going to bring it up. She's like, put it on.

Let the listeners be the judge. I'm right. She goes, I'm right. And I'm like, how can you be right? It's Xavier's bit. He knows. It was worth the wait, though. It really was.

What have you crossed Robert De Niro with? Give us a call. Yeah. She sort of is right, though, because it's going to be a bit now. It is genuinely. It's going to be a bit. So she's technically right. It is genuinely funny.

She said that, and I laughed for quite a bit. And she's like, oh, that's going to go on the show, isn't it? I'm like, yeah, but to be fair, I am actually genuinely laughing. That is a really funny bit. Has she not seen Star Wars? No. So she's not familiar with it at all?

No, no, no. But she has seen Formula One. That's cool. Formula One, two and three. And the prequels. Formula minus three. Formula 1, 2 and 3. And the prequels. And the prequels. Formula minus 3. Formula minus 2. I was wondering why she wouldn't think,

why would I say Schumacher? Why don't I just say car? If I was saying Schumacher, wouldn't I do the De Niro face and then go, hey, I'd like to drive car. I can't do the voice. You know what hurts me the most is, I like you, Xavier,

because you're a great stand-up and you're always very much in the moment. But if she would have been watching and thinking, Robert Deere, that's a bit dated. Schumacher's not even racing anymore. Dated twice. Why wasn't it Weber? It could have updated it so easily. So many other drivers I could have picked, and I picked him.

I could have made it Jensen Button or something, something a little bit more now. No, she's that into Formula One that she knows that that's the specific noise that Schumacher's car makes. He'd get his car tuned to that sound. Yeah, to that frequency. I want my car to sound like a Schumacher. That's the second try at Schumacher I've had. I think Schumacher was closer.

More gold from the corner. This week on Xavier's Corner, Chewbacca. Hi, everyone. See you next week, guys. Now it's gone a bit burdening. See you, everyone. 38. I think I'm going to have to just get my girlfriend to come along to everyone's show to help write

them new bits. So everyone in Melbourne is going to have a story at some stage at the end of their bit that goes, you know, some girl come along to the show and thought I was saying... Yeah, we should do a gig and call it Night of a Thousand Dianes and just everyone does your girlfriend's interpretations of their jokes. But you know what? Maybe it works the other way around too.

You know, sometimes you feed something into a machine. I was referring to your girlfriend that way. But I'm saying that like... And you're feeding her. Like I'm saying you give Diane a stand-up routine that's all organised. Maybe if you just throw random bunches of words at her, she assembles them into genius.

Yeah. Have you tried that? No. You should just say stuff to her that doesn't make sense. She might just like say this perfect 10-minute stand-up. She's like an Andy Kaufman generator. If you give her like normal stuff that makes sense. She's like a joke anagram machine.

She's a comedian savant. You give her two bits of information, she'll create a punchline. I'm going to stop. I'm not going to write a show for next year's festival. I'm just going to get my show from last year and get her to reassemble it. It will possibly be funnier. Oh, man. I'm excited by this.

Oh, jeez. But what about this? I'll bring up this. I don't know whether I should mention a name involved in this story. I've got a story from this week where there's a celebrity involved. Should I out the person or not? Or should I maybe just tell the story? Tell the story and we'll see how we go.

Then one of us will say it by accident. And forget to push the cough button. Whoever you are! Bloody hell. Oh, the cough button. Yeah, okay. It's going to get a workout. Is the celebrity Michael Schumacher? Is that what made you think of it?

I did some work for a magazine. I won't even mention the magazine in case I get in trouble. It's the most non-specific story. So some person went to a place. I won't even mention the magazine in case I get in trouble. It's the most non-specific story. So some person went to a place that I can't actually say. They did some things, but let me tell you, it's hilarious. I won't even mention the podcast I'm telling this story on. I don't want to name names, but a girlfriend of mine.

So I had to do an interview with a celebrity. And this magazine said, oh, do you want to do this interview? And I said, oh, look, I'm not a journalist. I don't know what I'm doing. And they're like, oh, yeah, but you're in comedy. You can do it. And I'm like, OK, but just be aware that I don't know how to do an interview. So OK, I'll do it.

But if you've got someone else about it, no, no, no, you do it. OK, I'll do it. So the PR person emailed me the date and the time and everything and said that time and what's your phone number? And I said, oh, it's this number. And they go, okay. So I sort of look, oh, okay. They're going to ring me at this certain time. So I'm setting up for the interview and, uh, at home and I get this phone call and it's the celebrity in question. And I went, oh, okay. It's a little bit early or whatever. Okay. Let's, let's crack on. We started doing it. And, uh, one of the first questions was, uh, oh, you know, what, of the first questions was, what are you liking at the moment?

What's upsetting you at the moment? And the celebrity said, oh, you know, general things, sort of like what about journalists that don't fucking ring me up on time for an interview? And I went, oh, is that how it is? Oh, right, because I thought you were ringing me. No, you're supposed to ring me. And also the jokes on them because you're not a journalist. Yeah, right, because I thought you were ringing me. No, you're supposed to ring me. And also the jokes on them because you're not a journalist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. You mean comedian out of their depth. Yeah, yeah. I thought they were receiving a call. Can I give a little bit more context to this, that 15 minutes before this call has happened, I got a missed call from you that was you asking me if I knew how to record phone calls for this interview. Yes. So this is like 10 minutes before you're meant to be doing this. Yes.

You haven't even worked out how you're going to. I can confirm all that. And the first five minutes of this conversation with the celebrity was filler while I figured out how GarageBand worked. So that happened, right? And so I'm sort of trying to implicate this person going, oh, look, you know, hey, you know, sorry about that. I'm really sorry about that.

But anyway, let's get into it. And they were sort of like, oh, look, I've got a lot of interviews today and I just don't want everything to end up like this. And, you know, it's just going to be a nightmare and whatever. And, you know, all these journalists and, you know, journalists, these journalists. And I went, oh, look, if it helps at all, I'm, look, I'm not a journalist. I'm a stand-up comedian like you

so you know let's narrow it down yes so it's Luke McGregor isn't it I know it is he's so angry all the time he is

I'm the type of sort of stuff guys I'm pretty busy going home I'm like I'm going to take a calming time they're just these bitches in my bed right now

Oh that is classic Schumacher See you later guys I'm enjoying this but I'm not sure if it makes sense anymore So I'm placating the comedian saying, look, I'm actually a comedian like you. So you're not dealing with a journalist. We're on the same side. And they go, oh, okay, that's cool. Then we're on the same side.

We're comedians. That's cool. That's probably better. Oh, yeah, surprising I haven't met you. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, an Australian one. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Guess who? Yeah, guess who? They have a moustache. He's been knocked out so far. You're being very caught. You haven't even mentioned the gender, have you? I know.

Because you said we haven't met yet, surprisingly, which means that you could have met. So, yeah. Narrowing it down a bit. I don't know. I'm happy to do the name, but I don't know whether – will I get in trouble? I don't know whether –

Just tell the story and then – We'll try to guess at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. By playing guess who. Yeah. Yeah. Go through their head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll work it out. Cool, who. Yeah. Yeah. Go through their head. Work it out. Cool. Cool. Cool. Am I a formula one? Did you hear him stroking a beard? Did you hear like a noise?

No. Tap, tap, tap, tap. That's the names going down. Did he go, I'll just take my hat off. Did you hear any glasses?

Were you watching him on go at the time? I'm just trying to imagine any comedian in Australia who would have to do heaps of interviews at the moment. I can't think of anyone. Right, right. Right. I can only think of a few people who probably have to do three in a row, to be honest. Right, right. Anyway.

So I get back to it, and we're all cool, I thought. We're all comedians. Great. We're on the same side. Here we go. We knock through the questions. I've got a bunch of questions prepared. We get through them.

We're all having a laugh, whatever. Now, what has happened is we had half an hour to have this talk. Now, I got through all my questions. I got plenty of meaty. To this person's credit, we got good answers. And I recorded it and thought, you know what? It's only a 400-word article that I had to do. This will be fine.

I've got enough. We got, you know, five, ten minutes before the end of the allotted time. I went, you know what? I'm really sorry again about the mix-up at the start. But, you know, we might as well finish it now. I've got all the answers I need. I think this will be great. You know, thanks very much.

It's been great. I'll let you have a break in between your next journalists that ring up. So, you know, I'm thinking I'm doing the right thing. Yeah, yeah, cool, cool. No problem. You know, I'll see you at the Comedy Festival. I'll do, you know, blah, blah, blah. Great to meet you, whatever.

Hang up. I texted them again and just to say, look, sorry about the mix-up again. You know, I hope the rest of the day filled with all the, you know, professional journalists is, you know, a lot sleeker and I hope it's all great. And they said, look, the comedian's code, we're all bonded, aren't we? Hey, there's this silent bond between us. So, you know, I'd rather be interviewed by you

a thousand times than any other, you know, horrible journo, you know, we're all cool. Great, great. And I'm like, oh, sweet. You know, I've done my job. This is good. I'll go and have a And I'm like, oh, sweet. I've done my job. This is good. I'll go and have a shower, come back, and oh, I've got three emails. Complaints.

I'd gotten complaints in that 10 minutes. I got complaints from the magazine in question saying, what the hell happened? And we've just been contacted saying that you didn't ring on time, that you were unprofessional, underprepared, under-researched. You told them that you weren't ring on time, that you were unprofessional, underprepared, under-researched. You told them that you weren't a proper journalist and you did a horrible job. What's going on? I'm like, oh, the bond, the comedian's bond.

I know what this is. This was me, wasn't it? This is exactly something I would do. I'd pretend it was all fine and then I'd hang up and then I'd just complain. I remember doing this. I would do. I'd pretend it was all fine and then I'd hang up and then I'd just complain. That's exactly what I remember doing this. I really do. Oh, man.

I was doing a whole three interviews in a row for the beer factory, I think. For Go. Yeah, so you dobbed on you. What do you think? Or she dobbed on you. Yeah, what do you think of that? That's funny though to say the comedian's bond when really the comedian's bond, what this person has actually done is more like ragging you behind your back.

That's the comedian's bond. Actually, that makes a lot more sense for a comedian's bond. So I trust other comedians to do. All right, mate, I got your back, buddy. It's like, no, I want a job. How'd you get that? To defend this person, whoever they are, the only thing I can think that could have, unless they were on a computer and they typed an email at the beginning while you were faffing around. To defend this person, whoever they are, the only thing I can think that could have, unless

they were on a computer and they typed an email at the beginning while you were faffing around, they might have complained then. Right. So they could have gone, this guy's not even a journalist. He's been mucking around, whatever, and sent an email complaining. Had the whole conversation. Forgot about it. Is that possible?

Well, did you hear keys clacking and did you hear them under their breath going, this can't be. No, you mean this has been. This. No, well, this is it because I've told this story to a few people just to work at going, who do I blame here? Is it the PR person or is it the comedian? And they're like, oh, maybe it's the PR person because it's like,

you know, they've just reported the facts. Maybe they've just gone, oh, you know, they sort of said they were a comedian and, you know, they didn't ring on time. So maybe they, you know, maybe this comedian innocently went, oh, that was a good interview, but these are the things that happened. And then the PR person went, er. But it was like, no, I don't think somehow, because one of the complaints was that I did a shit job.

So no one, this comedian didn't go, oh, yeah, it was great. He did a shit job. And he was like, but, you know, it was great. And, you know, he passed that on. Yeah. yeah, it was great, he did a shit job, and he was like but you know, it was great, and he passed that on. But is it, but did you, maybe you did do a shit job? There is that. Here's the other thing. So it could have just been an email full of facts.

Yeah, yeah. But it's a print. And that's the comedian's code, he just thought it was good to be honest. That was the code. Honest feedback. Maybe this person recorded it from their end and sent it in to the PR people and went, what do you reckon?

They went, he's done a shit job. Yeah, but did he say you're a bad comedian? No. Ah. The comedian's code does not say someone's a bad comic. The journalist's code is to say if someone's being a shit journalist. And he didn't say, hey, journalist's code, I won't tell that you were bad.

That you were a bad journalist. Yeah. I don't say, hey, journalist code, I won't tell that you were bad. Yeah, but. You were a bad journalist. Yeah. I don't know. No, you were. No, but here's the thing. Okay. Here's the thing.

It's a print article. This isn't a radio job. It's not done yet. Yeah. So you might have written the article. It could have been great. So I got these complaints and I went back to the editor and went, hey, isn't this going in a magazine?

It wasn't a radio interview. Don't you think that's an insanely stupid thing to do, to complain about the writer who hasn't written it up yet? Because I had the transcript. I had the recording ready to go back. All I wanted to do is put in things saying, well, this person's appearing in Melbourne next month, the stupid cunt. Stuff like that. Next month, the stupid, you know, stuff like that.

Next month, though. Yeah, yeah. Next month. In Melbourne next month. In Melbourne next month. Promoting it in a magazine. Yeah. So all you have to do, guys, all you have to do is go down to the newsagents and look through every magazine in the newsagents and find out if there's a

comedian in any of them, and you will find the guilty party in the story. The thing is, Carl, I think Huntress Thompson went through this sort of shit, man. You're doing gonzo journalism. People aren't ready for it. You play by your own rules. But I agree with you about you haven't written the article yet because there's a journalist who in Adelaide every year I do The Fringe

he often interviews me for one of the street press magazines over there. And he's really shambolic, but there's a method behind the madness because the interview is annoying. It's long and tangents and you just, often he's sort of doing washing up while he's talking. And you think, what's going on? But he gets really original quotes from you because he doesn't just say, how did you get into comedy? What's the toughest gig you've ever done? What's the worst heckle you've ever had? Man, I did dispose you.

That was my question. But you know what I mean? He gets these original quotes and then he puts together and he makes you sound good. So I remember the first time I did, I thought, oh, man, this is so annoying. But then the article was really good. I think there could be a method behind the madness. That's it.

And I said to the editor, look, just wait till this. They said, oh, what were you doing? And I said, look, it was fine. I gave my side of the story and said, look, one thing that was wrong, I didn't ring up on time. But you know what? I'm happy to be judged on the article. I'll send in the article.

I sent it in within 24 hours. And they were like, it's fine. How much can you stuff up in? And also in your defense. And they also complained that I hadn't used my full half hour. So it was like that Woody Allen quote, you know, oh, the food's shit house and there wasn't enough of it. I don't think Woody Allen said shit house.

I was going to say in your defense with that, like if you said to them when they asked you to do it, if you did actually say i'm not a journalist then i don't think you can be held accountable for anything that happens beyond that you know what i mean you haven't gone chasing it and going oh can i please have a go at doing an interview and doing it they asked you you said i'm not experienced in this and they still got you to do it yeah you can't then turn around and go this is appalling journalism yeah yeah yeah no look the magazine in question they were actually quite cool.

They were like just going, oh, you know, they've just got to ask what was going on since they got these complaints going, what happened here? All right, we've got to guess who it is. Yeah. I already know. Okay, all right, you're out of the game. Do I have to say yes or no? You're the person, all right?

We've got to ask you yes or no questions. Okay. You up for it, Xavier? Yeah, yeah. All right, all right, all right. I'll go first. You can't ask me who it is, but you've just got to ask me all the other stuff. Yeah, all right.

Are you a man? Oh, man. That's the audio first question, isn't it? No. Okay. Oh, man. It's like bloody hey, hey, it's Saturday in here, isn't it? I already think I know who it is, actually.

Are you based in Australia? Yes. Okay. Are you a friend of mine? I don't know. I don't know who your is actually. Are you based in Australia? Yes. Okay. Are you a friend of mine? I don't know. I don't know if you're friends. Okay. Maybe you are.

I'm not sure. Did you do a comedy festival show last year? I don't think so. Okay. Didn't do his research. This person was right. They critique of you. Oh, okay.

I'm going to say this, Tom. I think you may be friends. I think we are friends too. Not friends going way back, but good enough friends anyway. Not friends anymore if you've got my back, mate. Got to choose. I'm in the media now, so you want to be buddies with me. Have you been sober for a long time?

I don't think it's who you're thinking. Okay. Right. It's not Greg Fleet. Okay. He is technically a woman now. Yeah. I don't know what else to ask.

I'm trying to think of another way. Oh, when was the last time I was on TV in the last year? Yes. So, TV, we should know you from TV. I reckon I know who it is. I reckon it's just Xavier now has to do it. Yeah, okay. All right.

All right. I'll just do one more. Are you on TV at the moment in a very popular show? On the sister network to go. Is she next door? Have you got the same dressing room? No, I'm just asking. I would lean on the affirmative.

Okay, all right. Okay, so we've got Channel... So it's a female Australian comic on Channel 9. Yep. I can defend her already. I reckon she was just playing with you. How's that playing? Because she told you that everything's fine

and then she dumped on you. It's funny. Don't you think it's funny? Guys, please, we're interrupting the most riveting episode of Xavier's Corner we've ever had. Xavier's Corner's got really tense really quickly. People are on tenderhooks right now. So now I'm trying to think of TV shows that I don't even know any on Channel 9 because

I don't watch Channel 9. I watch Go, obviously. Just think of questions. I'm watching Go all the time. Once Go turned up, I stopped watching normal Channel 9. I even watch a bit of Gem. I don't give a shit. I wish we could knock up an actual version of Guess Who now.

I wish we could have all these nominees on an actual Guess Who. You know what? Actually, maybe it ruins it by saying her name. Yeah, yeah. Well, we've spent this long on it now. No, but maybe people should guess on your Facebook page or something. Why don't we just curtail it until people can figure it out? Okay, yeah.

Why don't people put their guesses online? People can make their Photoshop versions of a Guess Who board and stick their nominations on it. Okay, and first person to get it right, we'll send them something. Yeah, we'll send them stuff. We'll get them a prize. I also, I think I do know who it is, and I also suspect that she wouldn't really care about what you've said. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, we'll send them stuff. We'll get them a prize. I also, I think I do know who it is and I also suspect that she wouldn't really care about what you said.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if they guess right, they get the Xavier's Corner board game. It's just a little

square of carpet. It's a square of carpet with a stain on it. It's a stained carpet. Just with one button and it

just plays your theme tune. Do-do-do-do-do-do. You owe me money. That's the show. I like the idea that every time we press that button, the radio station that we're in, it goes on air. So they're just hearing the bits that we leave out. Yeah.

Like just out of nowhere in the middle of a song. Charlotte Dawson's a cunt. Oh, sorry. I've said that before. I've said it before. Oh, now it's on the podcast. And on the station that I'm not supposed to be in. It's just, I like your pants around your cunt.

Oh, fuck you. What? The contest. What, fuck you. Oh. What? What? Oh, the contest. What? The contest. Anyway, it's a comedian code. We should mention a name, but anyway.

I just like to say this is the worst podcast I've ever done. The worst podcast I've ever done. But between comedians, I've never said to you. Oh, Jesus. Shapery. Shapery. Hey, let me talk about this. This is something that actually happened to me quite some time ago,

and I'd completely forgotten about it until something reminded me of it today, and it made me laugh for a good five minutes. When I was in year 12, I went to Fiji with some mates of mine and we were staying on quite a tiny little island, like a little resort island there. There were three of us hanging out. And the island has a chief and while we were there, he decided that he wanted to get really into music.

So the chief of this island got like a Yamaha keyboard, shipped over from the mainland, and then plugged it into music. So the chief of this island got like a Yamaha keyboard, shipped over from the mainland, and then plugged it into these huge speakers that they had in the little outdoor restaurant at the resort that we were staying at, and he would play like all day. He'd play along on this little keyboard, and he was absolutely awful. He was the worst musician of all time.

I reckon I can guess who it is. Give me a sec. Give me a sec. Which island was it again? Can't remember the name of the island. Was he on Seven, mate? He did the comedy festival last year. Okay.

But it was ridiculous because you could hear this. He would put on the demo, like the backbeat thing that all his keyboards have built into it, and then he would try and play along, but it would just be like the words like, and it's up really loud and it's just blasting over the whole island and people are on the beach trying to relax. And just this insane, ridiculous music is going on. And like the staff are walking past and people are going, whatever that is, can you make

it stop? And everyone's just going, he's the chief. We can't do anything about this. Like we can't tell him to stop. He can have us thrown into a volcano. And this went on, no joke, for three days nonstop. And then like it was still happening when we left. And it was just every day you'd get up and just be listening

to this ridiculous, ridiculous noise. This is good. We've got a new segment. We've got like guess the chief. Guess the chief. Guess the chief. Guess the chief. Yeah. Well, we sort of gave away the last one maybe.

So yeah, maybe this is a better, if you can honestly guess the chief, we'll send out 10 prizes. Or if you are the chief, call in and we'll have you on the show. That'd be great. That's a nightmare. I've stayed at places before where they have speakers in the palm trees. That's always upsetting, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

You know where they've got music that's outdoors? Because I like the outdoors because there's no music. That's what I like about it. I remember I stayed at a place where they'd have activity day. Midday was activity time and the pool was for the kids and this song would come on. That sort of noise. Is that the Xavier's Corner theme song?

The Xavier's Corner theme song would come on. The thing is I would always, because I'd be drunk. Xavier had a corner outside. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It was more of a mind corner, if that makes sense. No, so the thing is, I was always drunk at this resort and sleeping in till midday.

So that was like my alarm clock. That always woke me up. Like, oh, it's midday. Ugh, I'm feeling horrible. And I just fall into the pool and the kids are going, The sound of children having fun. I'm going to ring a magazine about this and complain. Yeah, exactly.

You jump in the pool and all your sweat would come out and make the kids drunk. They could literally see it. It would be granted you vapor. Yeah, this vapor emanating from my body as I drift into the pool. All these cigarette butts coming out of your belly button. A bottle of beer just comes out of my bum. I knew it was coming.

It had to. You've got to top it. You've got to top it. You can't leave it there. Cigarettes out of belly button, that's only halfway there. When I went to Bali last year, it was the same thing. It was just music, really loud, like top 40 hits at full volume around the pool the whole time.

And you're like, this is contradictory to why I'm sitting next to a pool in Bali. It's not proper for paradise. That's like in Thailand. I'd never been to Thailand before I went this year. And I think it was Nick Cody that sort of said, oh, you know, you go there and, you know, you get there on a certain day and they'll have like, you know, kickboxing fights and stuff and they'll drive up and down and go, fight Nate, fight tonight,! Fight Nate! Fight Nate! Like all day. And I get there the first day I'm there, they're doing that. I'm like, I can't believe out of all the days I've got here on the day

they're having the fight. They had a fight every night. I remember when we were staying at a resort and they had weddings in the sort of area where all the rooms were surrounded that, these outdoor weddings there. And this couple was getting married one night and you sort of end up sort of watching you can just sort of watch the wedding from the balcony and watching when they're having their little waltz their bridal waltz so playing this song which was like i love you and you're a beautiful girl and uh this heavy metal song and you could look around at everyone else at the balcony and we're all there going, oh, this is sweet. Then what the fuck is going on?

Do-do-do-do-do, gonna kill you, bitch. It's weird. That's Xavier's Corner up late. I was staying at a resort in Bali and they used to, when you'd go to the restaurant, this resort was on the beach and there was a blackboard and it would have the day's activities and it might be parasailing or, you know, snorkeling and all these things and it had the times and whatever. And one day I got up and it had 8 a.m. till 10 a.m. breakfast

and then it had 10 a.m. till 6 p.m. collecting seashells. Someone had just turned up and gone, fucking make up your own shit. That's good. David David you were telling me Before the show You had a story about Tommy That I was pretty keen To hear about

Yeah I've got one story When I first moved here From Perth to Melbourne And Tommy you probably Don't remember this When I met you I met you a few times At gigs

And you were already Looking worried Yeah Do you remember Because Carl's excited About hearing this No I haven't heard it It's only this. No, I haven't heard it. It's only going to be bad.

It's only going to be bad. I haven't heard it. All I remember was, because I think we're mates now. You're correct. We hang out. We had a burger last week together. Yeah, we did.

We had a great time. And after I walked away, I remember this one time when I'd met you through comedy and we didn't really know each other and I finished a gig at the Comics Lounge and I walked down Errol comedy and we didn't really know each other and I finished a gig at the comics lounge and I walked down Errol street and I was standing in the middle of the tram stop and you pulled up in a car you just happened to pull up there in a car

with a friend and I saw you and I gave a big wave all enthusiastic because I just moved here but I didn't really know many people and I saw you in the street I was excited and I gave you a big wave and you didn't roll down the window to wave back or say hello. You awkwardly looked at me and then sort of waved and then I could see you talking to your friend, like mouthing to each other. I can only assume it was something like, who's that? Just some guy I know from comedy. Well, why don't you wind down the window and say hello to him? Oh, I don't really know him that well.

But he looks like he wants to talk to you. And the lights changed and you drove off. That was it. How many times have we met at this point? To be fair, he probably thought you were Jimmy James Eaton. Three or four times. I thought we were good mates. Okay.

And I'm just saying I'm still holding on to that. Yeah. I've never quite let it go. To be fair, he said he had a story about you before the show. If I'd have known it was a story about you not waving properly at a traffic light, I wouldn't have encouraged him to tell that story. I know it's not exciting. I know it's not a story where, you know, there's some sort of drama

or it's got celebrities like, you know. I mean, it's not amazing. But it still affected me as a personal story. I'm just annoyed by the fact that before the show you were going on to me about the comedian's code and now you've gone and done this to me. You've reminded me of another story about people moving over from Perth. You know, Luke and Wyatt, they're a double act. When they moved to Perth, I'd done some gigs with them in Perth

and they were saying, oh, we're going to move to Melbourne soon. They're very excited about it. I'm like, all right, well, I'll see when you get there. And then the first night they were in Melbourne, I met up with them at Bar, what's it called? Bar 101, Bar Open down on Brunswick Street. And it was late at night and they went, Tom, we've finally come to Melbourne. Yeah. I'm like, I'm really excited.

I'm like, hey, how are you? And then a guy walked past me, spilt beer on me and and I had been drinking a fair bit, and I got my pint, and I said, you just put beer on me. You know what you did? You did this, and I poured beer on another guy, and I almost got into a fist fight. This guy's yelling at me and carrying on, and they're like, oh, my God. We're not in Kansas anymore, Tosca.

This is how they roll in the big city. Things are going to change. That's the only time I've almost gotten into a fist fight in probably my adult life, but that was the first night they'd arrived and I just could picture them seeing me there every night. Yeah, go! From now on.

They've just walked into the OK Corral. We're finally here in Boot Hill, everyone. Bang, bang, bang, bang. You are a bit of a magnet for drunkards. I always seem to be around you in Adelaide when you get harassed in very strange ways by drunk people. Yeah, I know. The fun thing is to make fun of them to their face because they don't

know what you're doing. They don't know what you're doing. I always do it just in a pointed way. Hopefully there's just an audience around you of friends who are here. Remember, who was it? The guy who asked for a photo. Yeah, the guy who wanted a photo and said, who are you? Can I have a photo? I know you from somewhere. Can I have a photo?

And you just went, if you don't know who I am, you're not getting a photo. What are you going to do? Here's a photo of someone that I thought I knew. Well, that's my other least favourite one. Are you famous? The question kind of means no, doesn't it? It means no.

Yeah. I get mistaken a lot at the moment, actually, for people thinking that they know me, and that annoys me because it means I'm not famous enough just to be known outright. Yeah. Just familiar. Yeah, it's really embarrassing. I've seen you in my life at some point.

You can't have been on TV. I was in a gallery yesterday. I said, I know you from somewhere, don't I? And I'm like, yeah, television, because I work in entertainment. I once did a gig yesterday and said, I know you from somewhere, don't I? And I'm like, yeah, television because I work in entertainment. I once did a gig and afterwards the guy

came up and said, hey man, that was really funny. But that joke you do about Antiques Roadshow, I've seen someone do that on TV before. And I was like, yeah,

that was me on TV. I am not even recognised on TV when it's me. People thought it was someone else. And I waved at him and he just put his window up

and drove away. I was so... That's how lazy you are. You can't write any new jokes. You have to copy your own jokes. Exactly. Do your own material. I got home and then watched it on TV

and went, oh, that's a good bit, and wrote it down. That's a sweet bit. Schumacher. Genius. Would have helped you memorise it too. Exactly.

Having seen it on TV. I play it back to myself. I'm trying to remember that. Like, I don't know. It might have been like if I didn't know you super well and I wasn't expecting to see, it might have been like as soon as I drove off, I went, oh, let's save you. Yeah. But I know you were there for long enough to wind the window down.

Like I was sort of standing there waiting. But if I don't know you, I'm not going to wind, if I think I don't know you, I'm not going to wind the window down. You're one of those guys that on stage you look heaps like a comedian, but when you're just out in the world you look so much just like some guy. I just look like a normal person. You also regularly wear big furry raver pants and like mesh singlets, so that could have had something to do with it. That's true.

That's how I get around. I've also, I had another story about Chandler. I thought I'd even it out. But now Chandler's being worried, not that it's going to be a bad story for him, it's going to be a boring one like last time. No. Let's have it.

Come on. It's better be good. It's better be a frigging awesome story. Is this when Xavier's corners turn into a circle? All the corners have gone and he just slips around the lonely curved wall. All the corners have gone And he just slips around the lonely curved wall Xavier sounds like he's on suicide watch

So he can't have any sharp corners I worn down the corners Xavier's corner just has a toaster with a knife in it This is when Carl and I were in Perth I think you told one story Have you already told one story on the podcast about I told the story about the guy that came up to me And went nice chomping

Oh the nice chomping story Have you told the story About how after a gig I was talking to someone I knew I didn't tell a story about myself No because I know you're going to tell a negative story About me so I haven't told that story So after a gig I'm chatting to a friend of mine

and then Kyle's there having a drink as well. And as I'm talking to the friend, my friend has stories that don't really, they didn't really go anywhere. They weren't exciting things, but I was happy to see them. So I'm smiling and nodding and going, oh, that's great, awesome and stuff. But Kyle, the whole time, no poker face,

just looks like, what's wrong with you, Xavier? Why are you so enthusiastic over these obviously boring stories? And so she eventually leaves. And then Carl goes, was she retarded? And I go, no, she wasn't retarded. And he goes, really? That was such boring stories and you were so enthusiastic to hear them.

Usually that's the way you act around retarded people, is you act like what they're saying is interesting. And I was like, no, Carl, that was just a friend of mine. I was happy to see them. And yeah. To be fair, those stories were like, it got to a stage where I had the poker face for a little while, but it was almost, I thought it was a little bit like Canon cameras. The stories were that ridiculous that I was like, oh, I'm not going to get caught in this

videotape of me looking interested at this bad story. But you were like being very polite and going, oh, I'm not going to get caught in this videotape of me looking interested at this bad story. But you were being very polite and going, oh, right. And I'm like, it was just the most boring. And it went for 10 minutes. And it was one of those stories that winded up with her just, or him, just going. You have to guess who this is now. It just ended up with them going, oh, and then we got home

and we went to sleep or, yeah. And I was like, that's amazing. Great story. But that's the difference between me and you because I was like, oh, I'm out of here. Boring. Meanwhile, like about two minutes later, someone goes, oh, come inside. And there was a band on inside. And then you got dragged inside going, oh, okay. And you went in there and it's like, come and see this band.

And then you went in to see this band. It was two people on stage. And you got forced to stand up the front and just sort of clap along. Just two people. There's only two people watching this band. And it was you and someone else. And you're standing up grinning like an idiot going, and then they go, come and hop on stage now. And then you go, okay.

And you hopped on stage and just clapped on stage. That is how far I will go to not have an awkward pause in any conversation. I don't want any awkward silences. I never want it to get tense. So I will just continue smiling like, everything's great. I'm having a good time. I'm enjoying it. Everyone's coming.

This is great. This is awesome. It does bewilder me because I'm the opposite. I'm just like, oh, I'm out. I'm out. Well, another story that connects to that one was when we were there. Also, there was after a gig, we're having some drinks, and Carl, you were looking at your phone that night

because it was a football team you follow. Which football team? No, we've told this. We've told this story. Oh, have we told this? Yeah, yeah. Have we? Oh, really?

The person getting stuck in and about being on the phone. Well, that's the other thing about Xavier's Corner is I do highlights from the main Dumb Dumb Club. I highlight the things. This week on Xavier's Corner, did you know Tommy Dashlow's real name? Yeah. Yeah. Highlights.

Well, maybe that's why Julia Morris put in that complaint about your interview because you were just listening to her stories going, are you retarded? That's the bit of the story that you've left out conveniently. I did hang up halfway through actually. Now that I come to think of it, I got bored and hung up. You got Xavier to come in and finish the interview for you. She was talking to a dial tone for a lot of it.

She had a good reason to complain. Sorry, I was just checking the cough button. It does work. It's going to work. Because you talk, Carl. Alright, I'm talking. the cough button. It does work. It's going to work because, look, you talk, Carl. All right, I'm talking. And I've just dressed mine. Oh, okay.

I'll be going in through your mind. Yeah. It's going to work a fucking treat. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have left for today on the little Dum Dum Club. Xavier, Tom Gleeson, thank you very much for joining us. No worries. Xavier, you've goteson, thank you very much for joining us. No worries. Xavier, you got things coming up you'd like to plug?

Yeah, I'm doing the comedy story in Sydney, 18th, 19th and 20th of October. Excellent. Get down and see Xavier. I'll be there all week in Sydney for a Monday as well. Sydney, mate. Tom, people can see you on The Beer Factor on Go. Yeah, I'm on The Beer Factor on the beer factor on go presented by and uh other than that i'm going to be doing shows at the sydney comedy store too in november oh excellent well it is uh i've said it before on the show i think it's the best venue in australia yeah it's great it's really really

great good time we're going to uh we have got our t-shirts and whatnot for sale little dum-dum club at gmail.com hit us up if you would like one of them. We're going to be in Brisbane. And a couple of people have hit us up for the book that I still have, Fun and Buggers, in your CD. What's it called? Sonic Reach Around. That's pretty good.

That did sound like a Sonic Reach Around when we did that. Yeah, that was great. Also, the States, we're going to be back there. We're doing Live Dumb Dumb Club November 23rd at Meltdown Comics in LA. If you are from there or you can be there, come down and say hi. Bring some friends. It'll be good. Bring some in and out.

No, we'll probably have enough like that. We'll have in and out. Yeah, yeah. It's not very far away from in and out, is it? No, it's not at all. It's like a block away. Oh, man. Awesome.

Yeah. Thank you very much for listening, everyone, and we will see you next time. See you, mates.