The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 107 - Josh Thomas

Episode Date: October 9, 2012

Big Houses, The Channel 9 Pool and Spanish Urinals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Daslow. Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Left a little pause there just to throw you off. Yeah, you've been putting a few speed humps in between the hello and putting me in there. I just like to try and make this show really bad really early on if I can.

Yeah, it's a new challenge that how quickly can I make this show unlistenable? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, thanks for welcoming me in again, Tommy. What have I got up front? I'll tell you this. Just before this, what I just saw before, I was walking along and I saw this guy sitting on a park bench down the main street near where I live. And he was decently dressed, but like an older sort of guy. Can I just point this out?

I like that this is still, to me, this is like the country boy that's still in you, that you just referred to it as the main street. I know, I know. There's many of them here, Carl. Well, I actually put main in there thinking I better dress it up a bit. I would have said down the street, you know. That could be anything. Down the street. Do I exist at the moment?

No, no, no, no. No, no. In listener world, they still think that there's no one in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoever you are. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be interjecting. Stop messing up my sweet down the street story. Yeah, you're fucking a country yokel.

So, anyway, there's this guy sitting on the park bench. He's well-dressed. Oh, not too well-dressed. He's just an older sort of a guy. And when I got close to him, he's just got his head in his hands. He's just going, no. And I'm like, oh, it's just a crazy dude, whatever. But then I sort of went all the way past,

I actually had a bit of a look at him, and he was holding pamphlets on Pilates. Right. It looked like he just had a really bad physio meeting with his... Like really angry about having to do Pilates. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. I'm sure he's just crazy,

but it just looked like he was really upset that he had to do some exercise. You may have noticed this. I have quite bad posture. And a number of years ago, I started doing Pilates, which I still do on and off. And I remember the first time I went in, you do like a basic evaluation. And I remember distinctly the instructor saying to me at the end of it, it's a very good thing that you came to see us because you have some awful things going on that we need to correct. If he hadn't caught you right then, you could have been sitting on a park bench. No!

Just fighting your inner demons like this guy was. Today on the show, you may have heard him just before. You will have seen him on Talking About Your Generation. He also apparently has a big house. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club Josh Thomas It's not that big Sorry, that was us talking off air About how big Josh's house is

It's not that big It was just big to me Because I've got a small house I've got a small house complex Carl lives in a tiny box on the main street I just don't want people thinking that I'm not like them You know what I mean? I'm like you

You're not like me My house is fucked My house is fucking shit My house is so small I can even hear screaming Pilates people On the main street On the street Now Josh, thank you very much for being in here today It's such a nice studio

It is, we own this studio A lot of people remark on it Down at Podcast City That's where we are now I've got six screens in front of your tummy Yeah, I know I can't work out what any of these are for We own this studio, yeah. A lot of people remark on it. Down at Podcast City, that's where we are now. It's got six screens in front of your tummy. Yeah, I know. I can't work out what any of these are for.

I think even three of these would be overkill. And three phones? Because I do a podcast, but it's just so mediocre. It'd be in a big house, though. It's in my modestly sized house. I listened to it today, and man, there's a lot of echo on that. Just voices bouncing off the huge spaces. I don't care. The thought of like driving somewhere.

The thought of driving somewhere to bother doing the podcast. I just don't. Have you got like a separate room in your house just for the greeting at the start of the podcast? Then you move into another room just for the guts of it? Just one with a dining room, dining hall. The podcast room. the podcast room the podcast room and i put a towel on the table to muffle some of the sound you know what i didn't realize because i just listened back to that podcast and i've not had myself talk for a long time i didn't realize how impossible it is to understand me so can you guys because tom the

guy that does my podcast with me if I say something and he can't understand it he knows we've known each other for 13 years so he just he guesses what I said yeah and is invariably correct

right so then when I listen back to the podcast I have to like figure out what he said and like work backwards to what I would have said and I just

if you guys don't understand what I say can you just say pardon that's better that's I generally use that rule in life anyway nobody ever does with me and me because they're being polite.

That's the thing. So I talk to them and they don't understand what I'm saying and they nod or they just giggle or they move on, the conversation on, and they're being polite. And as a result of that, I've never realized that nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about. Okay, please say all of that again because I don't know what just happened. What is he saying?

Something about his house. But yeah, you're right. I mean, I don't know if we've ever talked about this on the show, but the studio we're in, it's I sit on one side of the desk and then Carl and the other guests sit on the other side. It's a proper radio studio. And I am behind. I'm like in a little fort, I always feel like. I always feel very disconnected from what's going on.

No, you know what you look like? You look like one of those big hairband drummers that sit up a bit higher and you've got those pads, those electronic drum pads. That's what the screens look like. You look like you're in Def Leppard except twice the arms. So should I punch one of these screens and see what happens? It'll make a noise, that's for sure. It sort of works the same in a way.

Josh, I was just saying to you before, this is great to have you on. You're obviously quite a big name in a way. Josh, I was just saying to you before, this is great to have you on. You're obviously quite a big name in Australian comedy and that's kind of a lot of pressure for us because every other time we've had someone of a big profile on this show it doesn't end well in that the episodes end up being deleted and we lose

them and then we say to people we've done episodes with Will Anderson and Sean McAuliffe and they never see the light of day. So the pressure is on for us to not fuck this at the end. The good news is I won't care. Well, that's the thing. I read about your podcast because your podcast, Josh Thomas and Friend, you've got a thing on Wikipedia that says Thomas has a podcast called Josh Thomas and Friend available from iTunes.

In November 2009, a second series of the podcast was released on iTunes, and the first series was deleted. The third series was released in 2011, and the second series was deleted as well, which made me think, did Dassolo have something to do with your podcast? Because that's his thing. No, we deleted them on purpose. Really? Well, it came to our attention

as I got more popular that the things we were saying were potentially libelous. And as people started downloading them, that the things we were saying were potentially libelous. And as people started downloading them, it was illegal. The podcast was saying things that you're not allowed to say, so we deleted them and then tried to do it again two times since. And both of those seasons were about two episodes because it's boring if you can't be liable.

It's dull, you know. See, that's the thing I like about you deleting them because in the age of the internet, stuff's online and then it's online forever. And with, you know, DVDs and stuff, you know, like in the old, like with TV shows, they used to do clip show episodes because that was the only way you could see, you know, a good bit from an episode without it coming on again. Yeah. But I like that you've gone old school with it and you've actually removed a product. Like I saw heaps of comments of people going, where can I get season one from? It's like, man, it's like 1993.

It's awesome. I think it makes them like me more. I just think they make them like the podcast more because they can't get it. Is it popping up on eBay somewhere? Someone with like a rare copy of season one, episode three, where you slam Tony Barber? Have you looked at people torrented? People must torrent it. Nobody's torrenting it.

There's not enough people downloading it. It barely stays on iTunes. There's not enough people to create a community to share it between themselves. iTunes is annoyed it's there. There's no one torrenting it. There must be your diehard fans. What do you call your diehard fans? Do they have Josh He heads or anything like that?

Tomos. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't, they don't exist anymore. I used to have them, but they've, they've gone away. What happened? I don't know. The other day I was in my, in my management, my management office.

Right. And is that a room in your house? Or? That's yeah. Management room in your house. And, and, uh, we had a meeting where I was like, oh, I don't really have your house? Yeah. It's just past the conservatory. A measurement room in your house. And we had a meeting where I was like, oh, I don't really have much on, yeah?

And it was an embarrassing meeting because I didn't have much on. And then I was leaving and my agent, she had on a justice pile of posters that I had signed that were clearly like on their way out. And I said like, oh, what, what, what are they? And she said, oh yeah,

I remember when people used to ask you to send them signed posters. Oh yeah. So you're welcome pitching that stuff for me,

thank you. Man. I would kick them out of your house. Don't let them run their office from you in your house anymore, man.

That's disrespectful. Well, I didn't know they were there. I made it disrespectful. Well, I didn't know they were there. I didn't mean it on that end. So that's, you know, you were saying you had to take episodes off because they were libelous or whatever. I mean, we've said stuff on this show and I mean, our theme music we use without any permission

whatsoever. And I, you know, people always go, you know, how did you get permission? And I went, I just go, we just started using it. It's kind of disappointing that it hasn't gotten big enough for us to get in trouble for it. Yeah, it is sad that we're not contacted by the police or something like that. I never got in trouble. We just realized that we could get in trouble. Common sense prevailed.

And then people started listening. Some guy at my dad's work started listening to it and telling him about it. And we mentioned smoking weed and stuff, which is bad. And people shouldn't do that. And then we had to get rid of them. It got really dull. And then we started the second series,

but it was at the same time that I... Remember, I called Ruby Rose a cunt once on Twitter, right? And so all these gossip journalists were trying to find just anything, me saying anything. How much have you become part of their stories? They're trying to find you stuffing up or saying anything about just any mention of Ruby Rose or anything kind of nasty. Or any words, two words in a row that both start with R. Oh, he's talking in code.

Or gladiolas. Gladys gladiola. W uh Gladys Gladiola wink wink he hates them the emerald petunia so I had to send

we recorded a copy where I told this story about um um this guy telling me that he loved me and

me not wanting to say it back and then again during sex and then it getting awkward and I didn't know what to

do so i like sort of fisted him right just because i thought that would take his mind off it sorry mr thomas if you're listening to this mr thomas yeah yeah it's fine uh and we had to send that to my to my manager and say like do you think this is okay in the current situation and he said no oh and he didn't even ask for a signpost they know he said probably wait a few months yeah and you have and now you're bringing it out yeah that's funny that every time you get in trouble you can probably check itunes and there's these dramatic spikes on your podcast just from news limited people downloading them what's the bad part of that story that you were fisting the guy with your other hand on your phone,

twittering, hey, Ruby Rose, you can't guess what I'm doing right now with a twit pic? I think that might have been the part that would have caused issue. He said, no, I can't. Yeah, this is anything. You just edited yourself before it went away. We've established we don't have listeners. You can say whatever you want.

Hey, this is what I want to talk to you about because, look, a lot of people, everyone knows you from talking about your generation and that's sort of, well, it's finished, hasn't it? We can say that's officially finished. Yeah, but they never announced it. Rookie's asked when it's coming back. It's just not coming back. Yeah, right.

But they didn't say it was finished ever. Yeah. We just stopped doing it. The rare thing in TV where it doesn't have a finale and it doesn't get axed. It just doesn't keep going. I think they were hoping that it might come back, because they didn't want to say that it was finished,

because then they couldn't bring it back. But also, I know that it definitely isn't coming back. I don't know. It's gone. Well, you're well known for that,, you know, you broke out because of that show. I want to talk about that when that show started, little Tommy Daslow over here, he actually auditioned for your role. I did. He auditioned to play Josh Thomas. He auditioned for Gen Y. Yeah, I mean, it's bad when you go in and the script that you're auditioning with already has Josh Thomas written on it. That doesn't fill me with any kind of hype.

Yeah, I did. I auditioned with Pickering, actually. I auditioned with Charlie Pickering. Really? Huh? My boyfriend at the time auditioned as well. Ah. That's pretty awkward.

Yeah. How did the audition go? Did you have to do that? Probably not that well. When I did it, you'd go in a room and they'd have like a PowerPoint display with like questions on it. Yeah. And they just asked you questions and stared at you. Yeah. But the good thing with us was by the time me and Charlie got there, because we were

meant to just be doing it, everyone was just meant to do it individually, but we were both later in the day where they were running late. So in the interest of saving time, they just made us audition together. Oh, that's better. Which, yeah, I came out of it going, imagine how awful that would have been doing that by yourself. Because it was all of it's based on discussing the answers and chatting and bantering. Yeah, with these two producers who were at the same time

judging every aspect of what you say. Yeah, exactly. But then we did the second round audition with Charlie Pickering as well. Ah, right. See, I didn't make it that far. You say we. Yeah, yeah. So, I didn't make it that far. You say we. Yeah.

Yeah. So, in an alternate world, it could have been you, Tommy Dessler, with a huge house. And Josh Thomas, co-host of Little Dum Dum Club. It could have been very, very different. I do live in a pretty big house, but there's six of us living in there. So, that's kind of different. Yeah. I came out of that audition thinking, I don't know anything about anything,

so I'm fucked. I'm not going to get this. And then young mate over here gets it, and I thought, oh, well. Tom Ballard, right? He did it, and I spoke to him afterwards, and he nailed the quiz. So he thought he did really well because he knew all the answers. So he was like, well, I aced this audition. Yeah.

And when we were speaking, I was like, did you make any jokes? He said, no. Just getting the questions. There should be, like, when they're auditioning. You get a certificate at the end, but you don't get the job. Yeah, I was going to say, when they're auditioning for quiz shows, there should be two of you. One of you gets the gig, and then whoever just got it the most right,

you get, like, a little trophy. Or maybe you have a two-part answer every single time. So you're like, the answer is Germany or who knows, dickheads. Yeah. That's why, because I didn't know any answers, so I was well-equipped to make jokes because I didn't have anything else to say. Yeah.

I had no options. See, I kind of, I thought I had to do the Ballard thing and get them all right and I didn't. So it was a lot of me going. Because it's weird because you're going to give it a test, but the test isn't the test. It's a, yeah. Well, that's interesting you say that because I am going in to do an audition.

Hello. For a pilot. Yeah. For a panel show next week. So any advice that you can give, I'll definitely not listen to your advice, Taslo. No, I mean, I've never, yeah. Wait, what's the panel show?

Now, let's also point out that you did say that after you got busy with TV and stuff that your podcast got less interesting and you stopped doing it. So if you could try and guide Carl towards not getting this gig. I know I certainly, as someone who's not even been asked to audition, would really appreciate it. I think my natural talent will already do that. Do you know what you have to do in the audition?

No, no, no. It's just the panel show. I'm sure you've been told, but you haven't even looked at it properly. You know what? I don't think I have. You know what? No, I think I have. You know what? No, I have been emailed things with attachments, but I certainly haven't opened them.

A paper clip? Hey, I've got stuff to do. I had fish and chips to eat. So, yeah. So, do you have any, you know, there's a skill to it. There's a skill to being on a panel show. And obviously yours was to not know anything. But is there anything else? they they don't um it's not live so it's just a genuine i don't know

i don't know what the i've got fucking no idea i i did a show where they liked when i was bored like they liked it if i was bored they would purposely cut to me bored or not listening they liked i got answers wrong. I had the dream gig where I just, whatever I did, they were happy with. I didn't have to smile. They didn't want you to make jokes on that show. They just wanted me to not

answer the questions or answer the questions, whatever. I don't know. I've got no idea how you would be good at a panel show. Me in particular? Anybody. I've got no idea. Well, if I may give you one piece of advice, just from knowing you. Now, when you do stand-up and when you are kind of rattled by what's going on. That doesn't sound like me. You swear a lot.

So maybe if you don't know the answers in the audition, maybe don't do what I saw you do the other night, which was use three fucks and two cunts in the one sentence. Maybe don't do that. How do you make a sentence? To be honest, I didn't know. I was thrown by mum saying it was her birthday. See, that's good. You're going to get this gig, buddy.

That is funny stuff. Oh, man. Yeah, look, that's definitely a thing. That's the thing. You know that if they make it, they'll probably axe it. I mean, statistic probability. Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure.

I just don't want to make a fool of myself, though. Is this, can I speculate, is it the reboot of Dance Your Ass Off? Is that coming back? Was that a panel show? I don't know. Was that a panel show where people just talked about dancing your ass off? I don't know, but this is part of the reboot, you see. The reboots aren't exactly the same. They kind of,'t know. Was that a panel show where people just talked about Dancing Your Ass Off? I don't know, but this is part of the reboot, you see. The reboots aren't exactly the same.

They kind of, you know. They thought that the dancing was the bad bit on Dancing Your Ass Off. Yeah, yeah. More talking about dancing. What a great show that was. Oh, man. Dancing Your Ass Off. Dancing Your Ass Off.

Do you remember that? It was like Biggest Loser meets Everybody Dance. Oh, it was a weightlifting dance. Yeah, it was them having to dance once a week for judges and hopefully lose weight in the process. In three minutes of aerobic exercise, they'd drop weight.

Have you been asked to do anything, even during when you were working, but have you been asked to do any of those celebrity shows or anything like that? I was on Celebrity MasterChef. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were on that. I'm about to do another one, but I on Celebrity Masterchef. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were on that. I'm about to do another one, but I can't tell you about it. Oh, what? Give us a hint. Is it what Carl's auditioning for? It's so interesting. Yeah, I've got the same audition. I don't.

I was asked to go on, do you remember Hole in the Wall? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have like you remember Hole in the Wall? Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah They have like celebrity hole in the wall Yeah But that was before I was on anything Right That was just like

Like when I was just like an up and coming comedian Because I was so desperate to get celebrities And they offered me two grand Yeah I couldn't believe I said no It was like one of the hardest things I've ever done Right But you have to wear spandex

Oh Put a blanket, no spandex rule And you had to jump through Like holes of Walls Apparently Did you know the show? Vaguely

I thought it was jumping It was a wall that came at you That had a shape Cut out of it That you had to contort Your body into Others get pushed in a pool Yeah

I'm trying to talk them Into bringing back Man oh man Oh yeah And letting me host it Yeah But it's not going well Without a word of a Without a word of a lie My dad's favourite show them into bringing back Man O' Man. Oh, yeah. And letting me host it. Yeah. But it's not going well.

Without a word of a lie, my dad's favourite show. Man, Man O' Man. Man. Man. Oh, man. That's so good. What was that? Well, I mean, I know men got pushed in a pool, but what did they do to determine whether or not they'd be pushed?

I tried to watch it on YouTube and it's unwatchable. It's really shit. Did you say this in the pitch when you were trying to get it on? No, no, no. They just did like, it's just like a pageant, I think. You know what I mean? It's just like a beauty pageant and they do tricks and get asked questions and they have to flex their muscles alongside a bodybuilder.

It's brilliant. It's brilliant. And they get pushed into a pool. That's it. When they lose. Because that's the illumination bit at the end of the show, is it? So people just stand there and then the losers just get pushed into a pool, just like in real life.

Yeah. I think they do it like in phases. Yeah. All these models come out and push them into a pool. And then everyone keeps telling me that that pool is still there, you know. What? That Channel 9 studio. Oh, yeah.

It has a pool underneath it. With dead bachelors in it at the bottom. Whenever he's made a show for Channel 9, they've been like, you know, there's a pool. If you can find a way to get this pool involved. Oh, right. Because they've got just a pool under the... Is it the hole in the wall pool?

I imagine it is. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a famous pool. It's the same pool, yeah. They need to make one good show with the pool Is it the hole in the wall pool? I imagine it is. It's a famous pool. It's the same pool. They need to make one good show with the pool in it. I just love that meeting where they were sitting there and they went, oh, there's this show called Hole in the Wall, but

we need a pool and a studio. We've got that! I like the idea that you walk down the corridor at Channel 9 and there's like Burt Newton's photo on the wall and Ray's photo on the wall and then just the pool. Just like eight different photos of the pool. Do you reckon there would have been a meeting where they went, you know, I know we've got the Gold Coast up there,

but Big Brother, we could do it in Melbourne. There's already a pool. A whole studio. Just a small room with a pool in it. Yeah. Just chlorine a go-go. Just 16 idiots in it. Was it called Bendigo Street, Richmond, with a pool underneath them.

Yeah. Oh, man, you bringing up Big Brother has just made me want to talk about it a lot, but I know you're not watching it, so. Yeah, I'm not watching it. Let's leave that. I, um. Because you've been away, Josh. You came back sort of midway through it.

It's the first bit. Yeah. So I'm sure my boyfriend really likes it, but I, um, I just, because you remember they had that ad and the people were dancing and they were, they were like interesting people. There was an old lady and a priest and there were no black people because it's Channel 9. But there were other interesting people. Do you know what I mean? And also because black people aren't interesting.

That is some classic season one Josh Thomas and friend gear. But there were like interesting people. And then I turned it on, it was all just 20-year-old spunks. Yeah, they keep doing all this stuff where they're not quite going far enough with it. Like they've got a dog in the house now, which is fine. That's nice for them. The other day I turned it on and I was literally watching a dog in a house on television do a shit. He was just doing a shit.

I reckon the dog should be able to be nominated and also nominate. Like they should, for nomination night, they should just have a row of photos of the housemates with a steak in front of each of them and whichever one the dog eats. And then just the idea of the people of Australia having to spend 20 cents to send a text in to vote to save a dog. Hang on. Does he have to justify why he's taking a shit on each photo?

No, no. But I like that. Huh? For a text message. That's 55 cents. Oh, okay. I'm terribly sorry. Yeah, it's not 1982.

It's inflation. I don't know what that means. But I like the idea that, because you know, like when you do nominate in the house, you've got to justify it. And if Big Brother doesn't like your justification, then you can't do it. Yeah. Right. I like the idea of people would have to do that.

If they want to nominate the dog, they've got to get – look, the dog did a shit near my bed. Yeah. Big brother goes, fair enough. Three points to the dog. The dog shit on my picture. So what else does it have to do for me to vote it out? Yeah, exactly. Oh, man.

So, Josh, when you were working on your gen, you, of course, had quite a rotating roster of guests, people you had to work with and stuff. Any standouts, people you got to meet and work with on that show? No. I don't know who they are. Right. I never know who they are. That's the funny thing about on your team because, you know,

Pickering's team would generally get, you know get He had a lot of comics and stuff like that And did Amanda on the Baby Boogie team I got stupid people Yeah, you had rappers and models They weren't stupid, but not as experienced They all had no idea what they were doing So they never spoke The whole time that I've been on that show

I've had four words come out of my gas in four years Apart from Hamish Blake So happy when he came on yeah i did nothing um but uh i my favorite my favorite thing the guests we had um darren hayes he wasn't my favorite but um the game we played is this like space episode and we had to put on like those just those like paint coveralls you know what i mean yeah yeah like spacesuits they lifted us up on um on wires and we had to fix this like satellite and we're like hovering in these things i looked over at darren hayes and he said this i did this in the 90s this was his film clip and there was a pool there was a pool back would you please? We just accidentally recreated Darren Hayes' Moon and Mac film clip. Once I got fed brains blindfolded by Nicky Webster.

Oh, man. Because I wrote for that show for a bit, and they tested that game on me before they did it. So I had to go in there one day and be blindfolded. Did you read the frames? I did. I didn't know what it was. I had Brenna Courtney Glazebrook feeding me a bit of brain and like hate.

And then even before I knew what it was going, I don't know what this is, but I am not on board. It's bad, isn't it? Yeah. I really liked having the opportunity to try brains without knowing what they were. Do you know? Because I felt like if you gave me a plate of brains, I would have thought they were disgusting no matter what. But then I took the blindfold off and I'm going crazy going, oh, that is disgusting.

Yuck. It's like spitting it out. And then everyone can't quite believe that I'm being such a little brat because don't you know how much brains are very expensive? Have a bit of respect. Were you testing that out because you were the only person in the production office, you were the most alike to Nicky Webster? Is that why?

Is that why? I don't know. We would do that every now and then where they'd want to know if a game worked. And so if we hadn't been there in the morning, they'd test it out on us just to see if. Because sometimes it seems like, oh, this will be great. We'll have them do this. And then once you start doing it, it's too easy to solve. That's good to put on your IMDb, though.

You're Nikki Webster's stunt double. Yeah. Or food tester. Yeah. Or however you want to put it. Well, listeners of this show love doing that sort of stuff on IMDb and Wikipedia, so get on it. There's a bit of trivia for you.

Tony Martin. Tony Martin. Get stuck into it. Tony Martin. Get cracking. Put it on. And speaking of IMDb and Wikipedia and all that sort of stuff, I looked at your IMDb page today and you've got a sitcom coming out next year.

Please, please like me. Yeah. What I liked about it is obviously you're in it and you're right, but you're executive producer. Executive producer. What does that mean? I don't know. It just means that I'm in charge of, I'm in charge, I'm not responsible specifically for anything, but I can be.

Right. I think. Without, I don't know if you'll enjoy me saying this, but as I understand it, I think the main thing is you just get a bit more money. Oh, no, no money. No? I'm working for ABC, so it doesn't matter. It's like whatever you do, there's an amount of money. And no, there's an amount of money.

No, there's no money. Because I base that on when you see American TV shows, the supporting cast in the first season, they won't be in executive producer. Then as the show goes on longer and longer and gets more popular, suddenly you notice cast members are getting executive producer credits. Someone told me once a show gets bigger, that's's their agents going let's get them a bit more coin let's get them an EP credit

well I think they're trying to make them look like they're doing more but like on this show I just I got paid to write it and to produce it

no write it and be in it produce it executively no no no I didn't get paid to produce it I stuffed up the words I got paid to write it and be in it

and then but that doesn't give me any like in the office that doesn't give me any power over office, it doesn't give me any power over anything else in the show but my show, so executive producer just means, it says that on the envelope and I can sit in on the set design meetings

and tell them they don't like the couch and then it's just if I wanted to get involved in something I could and then I had the power but also if I didn't want to someone else would look after well that was the other thing because you have a co-star in it who's your very good friend tom ward but i remember he you saying well he's saying he had to audition yeah to be your friend on the

show yeah so why does he have to audition if you're executive producer because i i i didn't want the show to be shit oh okay i okay. I had a responsibility to the taxpayers. So I hired my best friend who could be quite shit because I've acted before. Oh, man. How awkward would that have been if he'd gone in and absolutely Carl Chandler'd up the audition? I think it would have been fine.

I'm sorry, Tom. No, I mean, if he'd been really good. Yeah, if he'd been terrible, would you have been able to say, sorry, mate, you're not this round? I don't know if you've ever seen me talk to Tom Wards, but I'm quite happy to tell him that he's rubbish. I'm quite happy to say, no, that was rubbish. You can't be on the show because you're not very good.

I'm doing both of us a favour because if I'd put you in it, then you would have been rubbish on the television in front of people. You can't be my fictional friend. You have to be my friend in real life instead. What we did, and he thought this was mean, right? But it was, we auditioned lots and lots of people before we auditioned him because it's,

it's bad to audition him and then keep auditioning people because then he's like in limbo. Do you know what I mean? He doesn't know how well he's done or whatever. Yeah. But you find out what's out there and then see if he's the best one. We auditioned him last and he, we knew he was going to get it because everyone was horrible. Because we sent out the brief. I auditioned for that, so thanks. we're gonna get it because everyone was horrible because we sent out the audition for that so thanks yeah i think he did no i'm thinking webster did and uh i can't remember it was oh gosh it was entertaining though

it wasn't oh no it's not entertaining oh no i'm stuck i don't know what to do were they were they just bad at acting were they bad at what were they bad this is the thing right It wasn't. Oh, no, that's not entertaining. Oh, now I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I want to not tell you this story. Were they just bad at acting? Were they bad at... What were they bad at? This is the thing, right? So the brief was, like, my low status, weird-looking, skinny friend to play Tom Ward, because that's what Tom Ward is, right?

And, but people in Australia, people who, like, acting agents, they don't have that. Right. but people in Australia, people who are acting agents, they don't have that. They don't sign that because they don't get jobs. Every five years, somebody gets a brief saying that. So we just kept getting all these huge blokey muscle men and auditioning for Tom. We ended up casting one of them as my boyfriend because he was so dreamy, right? But you just wrote that in.

That wasn't a character originally in the script it was a character but the boyfriend has to like get naked and do like make out scenes with me and stuff so this poor kid came in thinking he was just doing like a psychic comedy role and then we said can you outside and read this and then the script then he had to come back in in the audition they have to take their their shirt off um which wasn't my idea surprisingly um and then surprisingly and then and then he got the part and found out

that like he has to make out with me for like hours and hours and hours and he was straight oh and you're like now look

this isn't going to be strictly in the show but it might turn up on the web so this is purely for the blooper reel

it's for the Christmas party. We're trying to cover all our social networks. We've got YouTube, we've got Twitter, we've got Xtube. You just reminded me of an audition story of mine from way, way, way back, at least five years ago now. I went in for an audition, and it was one of the first things I'd ever auditioned to. I got hit up for it on MySpace. That's how long ago it was.

Wow. Yeah. Tom hit you up individually. Yeah. Wow. He said, wow, you're the first person to sign on to this. Do you want to be in the ad? You are my number one friend after all.

So I was really excited. I thought, oh, this is pretty exciting, getting to audition for something. It was for a TV comedy series that actually never got made. But anyway, so I'm excited. And then I read the brief and it was like, the character is a short, chubby guy with a fat nose and a receding hairline. I was like, really?

And so I go in. That's what I always get. I always get, Josh is a big, or Steve is a big loser. He doesn't know how to not be an idiot. Fat shit loser, you retard. Well, I was going to say because I went in and did the audition and then I went, oh, thanks for that. And someone mentioned that you were going in to audition for it that afternoon.

Oh, I know this show. Yeah. Penguins. Penguins, yeah. Did anything happen with that? No, they never get made. Yeah. Just because these things never get made. I've done auditions for so many No, they never get made. Yeah.

Just because these things never get made. I've done auditions for so many things that didn't get made. Carl looks bewildered by the fact that you just said the word penguins and then I instantly knew what it was. No, more because I was confused because this thing I'm going for next week is called Penguins 2. I didn't even know there was a Penguins 1 until now, so that makes a lot more sense. Anyway, whatever it did, I don't think anything happened of Happy Feet.

Straight to it. I don't think it went anywhere. A lot of receding hairlines and fat noses in Happy Feet. That's funny that they look for specific bad features on people's heads when it was just a voiceover job. It was Happy Feet. Wow. Yeah, we really want you to be committed.

It's like with Disney films, how the animators watch Danny DeVito and kind of get the facial tics off him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Well, Josh, you've talked about the start of the show, you don't get those signed posters as much. I just wondered where would you be? Because you're going to have this it's going to be massive, the sitcom that comes out next year. You still got it. You still got it. And, you know, talking about your generation's huge.

I thought maybe if there was a list, because I have it in America, like most powerful people in entertainment in America. I was just wondering where you'd see yourself, how powerful you are in Australian celebrities. I don't know how powerful I am, but I do know exactly how popular I am. Oh, really? Because they do the Q scores. Oh, yeah? And they have Encore magazine just did one.

So I know... Because Q scores are like a likeability thing, isn't it? It's like they rank your likeability, whether people like you on television. But I've never seen those scores because I'm too low down. They only release the top 10 to the media to buy the rest results. I've never seen them. But Encore magazine did a similar thing where they did a survey of people.

And I know exactly how popular I am now with percentages. I know that I'm Australia's 250th most popular television or radio presenter. I know that 64% of Australians know who I am. About 64%, 25% hate me, 25% like me, and 50% have no opinion. So where does that sit you? Like among other celebrities? If I stand in a room with 100 people, I know that 16 of them hate me. I know that. That's a very specific survey. I imagine that must have been a very annoying one to be presented with on the street. Man, these questions just keep going.

Yeah, because they went to like 500 places, but they interview like about, they only interview, they don't interview everybody about everyone. Right. How about if I give you, I'll give you a list of people and you tell me if you're more powerful than them or less powerful. Powerful? Yeah. As a celebrity, as an Australian celebrity.

You have a very strange idea of what celebrity is, Carl. I'm from the outside looking in. I'm just guessing what it's like. It's not the X-Men. No, it's like if you're on the bill, who has the power to get the other one knocked off the bill then? Put it that way. Is that something?

Is that something that happens? No. Oh, okay. Again, I'm guessing what it's like to be in a room and have people like and hate me. Do you mean like more popular? Like who would you be more popular than? More powerful.

So you're saying like, so like sometimes, for example, sometimes I'll say yes to a show pending cast. Yeah. Right? So this is what you want. So I'll say like pending cast. Yeah. So then if they send to the rest of the people and I hate want So I'll say like Pending cast So then if they send it to The rest of the people

And I hate them I'll say no And you're asking me Who am I More or less Yes Who would win out Yeah yeah yeah

Who would have more influence I'll just give you a list That's the thing that happens And you know I can't tell you this story I'll tell you off But I Once I said

I'm not doing it Pending cast To somebody Because I thought I was like They were rubbish Just horrible The bottom of the barrel off it. Ah! But I, once I said, I'm not doing it, pending cast, to somebody, because I thought there was so, I thought, I was like, I don't,

they were rubbish, just horrible, the bottom of the barrel. Yeah. And they went with them. Oh! And then I really helped. Oh,

you said, it's between me and them, and they went with them. Well, I said yes to the show pending cast, I said yes to the cast, I said,

oh, I'm not doing it with that person, because I don't want to. The doggone big brother? The doggone big brother, more or less. And, and, and then they went, they went,. More or less. And then they went, okay.

And then they pushed you in the pool. And that was it. I really want to know who this person is. I'll tell you all later. Can you give us a tiny hint? No. Yes? No.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. Are you? Oh, yes. Right.

That took me a while. Is it the person I had a fight with on the other episode? I don't know. Who are you? All right, here we go. More powerful or less powerful? Shelley Craft. No, she's way, she's so popular.

She's more popular? Yeah. More powerful? She could get you knocked off Australia's most funniest home videos? Yeah, if a TV producer was picking between me and Shelley Crump, they'd pick Shelley Crump. Really? But see, Powerful's interesting because she's never produced her own show.

I've cast. Yeah, you're an executive producer. What's she? She's a shill for JDC. However, it's a show that hasn't been on yet. What if this goes Greg Fleet, Die On Your Feet style, and it's 10 years down the track, you're in here again, still plugging that it's coming out soon.

You're in here plugging 10 years and asking us for 20 bucks. Well, Shelly Craft is easily better than me in every way. Really? Yeah. She's really popular. Yeah, but people, like teenage girls scream at you. Is there anyone screaming at Shelly Craft? No, but there's people buying the products that she sells.

Does she sell products? In the ad break. Yeah, doesn't she do those, she does like the Zoot Review stuff, doesn't she? Does she? Does she? I don't know. I just meant like the ads in she sells. Does she sell products? Yeah, doesn't she do those? She does like the Zoot Review stuff, doesn't she? Does she? I don't know. I just meant like the ads in the shows. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right, all right. Fair enough, fair enough. We'll keep going. Danny Minogue? Danny Minogue is more powerful than me. More powerful? Okay. Daryl Summers?

Oh. Oh. Well, I mean, nobody's giving him a show, are they? No one's putting him on TV I guess no one's really putting me on TV Well, you could put him on TV You're an executive producer He could have been your best friend

I could have cast him Are we talking like, is Daryl Summers, does he come with the pool? Or is it just Daryl by himself? Just Daryl, dry bone Daryl Well, that changes everything No, but he's Had more power At the moment And he's a bigger

Number I reckon you would Trance Daryl He doesn't have a career Does he? He's not doing anything At the moment Unless they bring back

Hey Hey for the third time Which Unless someone becomes Nostalgic for the 2011 version of Hey Hey Saturday Which I doubt Yeah probably Daryl.

He probably earns more money than me. Would he? Yeah. Where would he be earning money from at the moment? He'd be doing talks and things, wouldn't he? Maybe. And he would have got paid so much for A8 Saturday, it would be eye-watering. That's in the past, though.

I'm talking right now. Who's hotter right now? You or Daryl Summers? I'm saying you. See, I would cast Daryl Summers if I was doing a celebrity show. If I was doing Celebrity MasterChef, I'd cast Daryl Summers? I'm saying you. See, I would cast Daryl Summers if I was doing a celebrity show. If I was doing Celebrity MasterChef, I'd cast Daryl Summers. If he auditions for this thing I'm going for next week, that's going to throw me out. Kyle, I think you've confused this podcast with the BRW Rich List at the moment.

It's a very strange line of questioning you've decided on. I'm interested. I think Daryl Summers is better, but I don't want to say it because it hurts my feelings. What about Molly Meldrum? Oh my god, I'm going to his house tomorrow. Really? Why? He's having a party. Really?

On a Wednesday? He's having a Wednesday party? I guess every day is a weekend for Molly Meldrum. I've never hung out with him before. Not all gays hang out with him. It's not, you don't all meet down at the club. Molly Meldrum. No, Molly Meldrum's powerful in show business, isn't he? Is he?

Why are you, how do you get an invite to his party? He would have been higher on that list than me. How do you get invited to his party? My boyfriend knows it. Oh, okay. Right. Right. Okay.

So we're going to go, he's more powerful, you're saying. I reckon you were going to say you're more powerful than all these people on this list. I'm going to have to find someone that does. It's because you've picked people who've been in the industry for like- 30 years. Yeah. All right then. Decades and decades.

Luke McGregor. I'm more powerful than Luke McGregor. He's in my show. Is he? Is he? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one little part. What does he do?

He just plays this real estate agent that has no purpose, but I think he's really funny, so his scene goes for way too long. Everyone watching this show is going to be like, why is this real estate agent so smart? How many houses is he going to look at? Jesus. I imagine every time I watch it with a room,

in a room with someone, they'll be like, whoa, he's funny! Look at his face! Why is Josh still looking at houses when he's got such a massive one himself? That's how you ended up in your house now. It was just McGregor selling you on it and you're just laughing the whole time going, whatever, man, sounds good.

Sounds good. All right, I'm not going to ask you any more people on this list. No, I will do rapid fire. Okay, all right, really quickly. Lara Bingle. Oh, she's more powerful. More powerful? Okay. Gary Sweet.

What does he do? Well, that's a sign you're more powerful. I think I was higher than him on that list. Ah, okay. I beat Gary Sweet. You're bigger than Gary Sweet. Come on, you can say it, man. Be confident.

But then I'm thinking back to when we were thinking about casting him for a role on my show, and I don't think he auditioned. I think he wouldn't do it. Oh, power play. So I was going to play Gary Sweet. Right. Couldn't have him. Untouchable.

He got sweetened. Megan Gale. She's more powerful. Is she? Why? She's huge. Is she? What's she got?

She's a model, so she has all these contracts, and she's on lots of things. She's on Project Runway. she's on Pill Pods. You seem like you haven't really thought any of these through at all, because you put up an initial defense, and then as soon as Josh says one word, you go, okay. Yeah, but you know what? I'm not going to ask celebrities I've never heard of, because I'm like, well, of course you're bigger than someone I don't know who that is. So they're all, I'm not, I have no, you know that what I do with my day at the moment is I wake up when I want and then I bake.

I mean, I'm here. Do you know what I mean? Me and Gail's not here, is she? Yeah, that's the thing. You've named exclusively people who've not been on the show. That's the real. That's a very good point. Susie Wilkes.

Who is she? There you go. You're bigger than her. She used to be on Changing Rooms. Just because you don't know who someone is doesn't mean you're more powerful than they Yes, they're just on these networks that people in the suburbs watch. You know what I mean? I feel like I can't win.

Every time I name someone, you go, oh, of course they're bigger. And then I name someone like that, oh, no one's heard of them. Well, I'm trying. I'm trying. Who's the perfect guest? Why don't you say Charlie Pickering? All right, Charlie Pickering. I one's heard of them. Well, I'm trying. I'm trying. Who's the perfect guest? Why don't you say Charlie Pickering? All right, Charlie Pickering.

I didn't have an answer. I just thought it was interesting. I thought it was an interesting question. He's on TV. He's on regular TV. He's on TV six nights a week. You know what I mean? Never produced a thing in his life, has he?

Yeah. Let alone executive produced. No executive produced. He's never made a call about a couch. Yeah. Oh, no. I think he might have probably been an executive producer on The Mansion. Oh, yeah.

On the comedy, you know that show? Mm-hmm beat him um ruby rose i think i beat her now she um i didn't used to but she what does she do now yeah what is she on the other day yeah um i don't like talking about that. No, it's fine. She does that on Go. She does the video show on Go. Why don't we have a look at who has more Twitter followers? Yeah, sure. Go. I haven't checked this for a while.

I used to check it all the time. The tally between you and her. Between me and her? Right. Oh, you mean me and you? No, no, no. You don't have to check anything. I can tell you the answer to that.

But once I get up on this new show, then it will be different. Can you tell me about the show in this silence that's going to get edited out? Yeah, no, no, no. No, we don't have to edit anything out. We're smooth. We keep talking. Listen to me. I'm still talking. I've got 196... 197,000.

Right. That is a lot. I've got three and a half thousand. I've got two and a followers. That is a lot. I've got three and a half thousand. I've got two and a bit. Two and a bit. That's good, guys. Stop there. That's good. I wish I had someone.

That means I think that's the only person on the list I can be. I can be more powerful than Tommy Dessler. Ruby Rose has 113,000. Oh. You've smashed it. Take it, Ruby Rose. Yeah. Yeah.

She owes you some drinks, that's for sure. $774. That's what that tattoo on your arm means. What about this? I always quite like when we have guests on here looking them up on Google and stuff to see what I can find out. And I especially enjoy it when I find out that that person has a namesake that's also in some kind of creative pursuit.

There's a blues musician called Josh Thomas. Is he any good? Well, that's what I was going to say. What about if we have a bit of a listen to Josh Thomas, blues musician, and we do a bit of a jukebox jury thing? Josh Thomas comedian, write the work of Josh Thomas Blues Musician, and we do a bit of a jukebox jury thing. We have Josh Thomas Comedian write the work of Josh Thomas Musician. Let's see if this works. Let's just give him a quick.

Does this thing typically hover? Here it is. I'm assuming we're not paying for this either. No. No. I don't think anybody is. So that's Josh Thomas, comedian. Now what's the blues musician like?

This is his gala set. That's a theme song to please like me. We missed out the best thing, the first lyric. Can you feel the wind blow? Can you feel it licking your face? Right. That's good. That's creepy. That is.

Anyway, it sounds a bit like Tenacious D without meaning to. Yeah, it does too. Yeah. Anyway, thoughts? Oh, he's rubbish, isn't he? I'd say Josh Thomas' comedian is more powerful than that dude. And there's some AFL player that's getting really popular Oh yeah

Someone was talking about it a while ago He's getting quite good Yeah Back off, you know Back off my Google Josh Thomas, if that is your real name How many followers has he got? I don't think he even has Twitter

Oh, what a loser Basically doesn't even exist What a dumb dickhead What an idiot. What about this? We've done this once before where, I'll give you a bit of backstory to this. About five years ago, there was a, it would have been just when you started, right? Yeah.

Someone put on MySpace, and again, this is how it dates, shows exactly how this document has dated. It came out on MySpace originally. It was, and the unknown comic put out this thing called The List, the Melbourne comedy list, and it rated everyone that was on the scene. Yeah. At the time, right? Was I rated?

Yes. What did I get? Well, I just sort of remember that to tell you. We've done a few of these already. We got rated and it was done by a guy that was someone, some unknown person. Yeah. That's never been publicly outed.

From Melbourne. Yes. We know who it is and we'll tell you, we'll trade you for the person that you never been publicly outed from Melbourne yes we know who it is and we'll tell you we'll trade you for the person that you pipped off that show

we'll trade you this person but it's not officially known who this person is but anyway he rated everyone in Melbourne

so every time we have someone that's been on the list we will tell them what their rating was five years ago yeah five years ago so you would have

only just been started I've been doing it for seven years right yeah so here it is. Josh Thomas, embrace yourself. Yeah.

Because some of this isn't positive. Oh, no. I think I remember reading this. Okay. My space used to be so nasty. Yeah. Well, this is crazy. Anyway, look, we got whacked.

Josh Thomas. Yeah. I can't understand why this guy is getting so much attention. He's average at best. And that shy, scared character he plays just doesn't sit well with me. Sorry, mate. I just can't help but feel that once the hype dies down, there won't be any real solid ground to stand on.

Now, that's five years ago. I think, yeah, you sort of got a little bit more bigger than when you were five years ago. I'm going to take him out to the dungeons. Take him out to the dungeons. I think he would quite enjoy that if it's the person we're thinking of.

Yeah. But yeah, just another thing he got wrong on this list. What else? How did you do? Is there not a number? No, it's just a review. Look, with me, it says he's always doing new jokes.

There's an element missing that limits his potential. I can't put my finger on it. I hope he ups the ante and finds what it is before too much time has passed and he's always doing new jokes, there's an element missing that limits his potential. I can't put my finger on it. I hope he ups the ante and finds what it is before too much time has passed and he's overlooked. I just want to know who this guy is so I know whether their opinion counts. We'll tell you that it doesn't count. Yeah, don't worry. Is he homosexual?

No. Does that mean his opinion doesn't count? No, because you said taking down the dungeon, you said he'd probably like that. So I was thinking, oh, maybe he's homosexual. No, because you said, taking on the dungeon city, he'd probably like that. So I was thinking like, oh, maybe he's a homosexual. No, no.

It's being very homophobic, Josh. You know. But it's like a sex thing, isn't it? Well, no, no. Yeah, yeah, it is. But straight people have sex. I have sex. But not with me.

Right, right, yeah. We just meant more just dungeon sex. This guy would probably like it. Dungeon sex? Yeah. I think that's one of Josh Thomas' musicians' blues songs that he's got over there. When the wind is licking your face. The wind is licking your face.

And the fire is sucking your dick. And you're getting rimmed by the earth. It's very man versus nature, isn't it? And you're getting rimmed by the earth. You lived with Bart Freeband for too long. That's what that is. It's a guy that likes to sit naked on the ground and light matches on his dick. Well, he, bring that up, you used to live with Bart Freeband, a friend of the show,

Bart Freeband, in a little suburb, and you've moved away since then. But I used to live in the same suburb at the time. Have we moved on from the list? Well, you can talk more if you like. I want to know what he liked. Oh, who he liked? I don't know. There's a lot of, you know what, we have said that it's not a homosexual, but there's a

lot of, you know, Dave Thornton, Harley Bray, a lot of talk about their looks, a lot of talk about the attractiveness of people on the list. Yeah. For someone who's not. Like commercial. Yeah, there's a lot of people on the list that are good looking and he'll just make a mention that his wife really wants to bone these people. And all these fantasies about his wife screaming out names and getting locked up in dungeons

and stuff. Yes. There really is. It's quite weird. But yeah, Bart Freeburn. So he used to live together with a friend of the church, Bart Freeburn. And I used to live in the same suburb. But we were just talking off air about there's a street in your suburb that's quite a well-known.

Well, there's a lot of people buying drugs on that street, isn't there? Victoria Street, yeah. Yeah, Victoria Street. Yeah. Because I used to live there. You're reluctant to plug it because we don't have the rights to Victoria Street. In case Victoria Street sues us, I didn't want to mention it. But it's out there now.

Yeah, because I used to live there and I'd go up that street. And the thing that I always got was, to me, there was a lot of drug dealers. And other people wouldn't care as much. But I guess the thing was, whenever I would walk down, people would follow me along. Yeah, you should take that personally because that's never happened to me. Yeah, yeah. Or anyone I've been with never happened to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or anyone I've been with. That's what I found out in the end.

I used to get singled out. I was like, oh, this happens to everyone. And I found out it wasn't. I just, I think I dressed like a drug dealer like three years ago. Yeah, you should really take that personally. Yeah. That's rough. That's why I moved out.

That's amazing. That's like the day that we were in LA and you had not done any washing. So you just, you were walking around in a soccer kit. Yeah. Yeah, I literally was. were walking around in a soccer kit. Yeah. Yeah, I literally was. Like a soccer shirt and soccer shorts. Just after I moved in, I was walking down the street. I've told you a junkie story off air.

Oh, tell it on air. It's good. It's a different one, right? And this girl comes up to me and she goes, hey, mate. She says, do you want to buy a G-Star watch? Genuine G-Star watch? I said, oh, no, thank you. And she said, oh, you're that funny cunt.

And I was like, stuff it. And then she says, oh, do you live near here? I said, yeah, yeah. She said, oh, do you want to go there and have sex? I said, oh, yeah. She said, oh, do you want to go there and have sex? I said, oh, no. I said, I'm gay. So I'm sorry. No, you're fucking, no, you're not fucking gay.

She said, you're lying to me. You just don't want to have sex. If you don't want to fuck me, just say you don't want to fuck me. I said, no, I don't. It's just, I'm gay. I'm not interested. I'm sorry. Just, you know.

She went, oh. And then she, like, reset. She goes, oh, do you want to buy a G-Star watch? Sweet callback. Yeah. That's amazing. Oh man. Junkies want to have sex on the street.

That's a, that's, see, that's, you know, that wouldn't be happening to Daryl Summers at the moment. I think that's a sign that you're bigger than me. Do you think, oh, I thought that was a sign I was worse than him. No, but this is a sign of my career trajectory, right? So that happened three years ago. I just told you this story. I was walking down the street. This junkie couple come up to me.

I'm like, oh, how funny. They start talking to me. Different junkies? Different junkies. They only have like five sentences. And this girl that told me for a while and then the girl goes oh you can get

the fucking good shit can't you you can get the good shit I said pardon she said oh you can get the good shit and the guy I heard of he said oh that's right

you get the fucking good shit man you get the good shit because you're famous I said I don't I promise you I can't get the good shit I'm sorry I can't

oh man and he goes my girl will look after you and then she goes nah I won't that's what's happened to me Oh, man. And he goes, my girl will look after you. And then she goes, no, I won't. That's what's happened to me. That guy was right. The hype, it calmed down.

It took five years. It took five years. My chance of contracting hepatitis C has decreased by like 90% in the last three years. There's so many people on this list that would still have sex with junkies, but yeah, you're being crossed off the list now. That's sad. That's what you should have done with your going through the list of, you know, instead of asking, is this person more powerful,

could this person get the good shit before you? Who would be, if there was a dealer who only had one dose of the good shit and he had to pick between Daryl Summers and Josh Thomas, who gets it? Could Shelly Craft be looked after by a junkie's girlfriend? By this bloke's girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What about this?

I'll talk about this. This is a thing that I saw that amused me. Now, Josh, you mentioned being on Celebrity MasterChef. You bake a lot. You're a bit of a – you enjoy cooking. Yeah. A bit of a foodie. I know, this is a gripe that I have. When you're down at the supermarket and the deli section and, you know, sometimes they've got the numbers.

I mean, you've lost me because I would not go to a deli at a supermarket. But anyway, carry on. Oh, you've got one in your house, sorry. I'm joking, I go to the deli. You know how there's, carry on. Oh, you've got one in your house. Sorry. I'm joking. I go to the deli. You know how there's the thing where you pull a number out, you get a number, and then there's a little screen that brings up the numbers to go through the people. If I did go to the deli, I wouldn't be taking it.

Hello. Is there a different set of numbers that people like you get? I have a gold-plated number. You just get six every time you go in. If they're up to 87, man, you're in trouble. I think that as a society, we need to decide once and for all whether we're going to use that system or not. Because sometimes you go in and it's running like clockwork.

Other times you go in, you pull a number out, it's 138, and the screen says H7 or some shit. I went into the supermarket today and there was a little kid just pulling tickets out of the machine one by one and then dropping them on the floor, just really methodically, just one by one. And then as that was happening, there was a woman behind the deli counter watching this happen and just pushing a button to move the screen on. Like each time he'd done one on the ground, not telling him off,

just with his attitude of, look, a mum is going to come sooner or later. Surely to God, I'm not getting involved. You know what? If this is 10 minutes of my day just pushing a button to move on a counter, fine. Sorry I can't get your chicken loaf, but I'm busy with a five-year-old over here going 77 through 122. I stood there for close to five minutes. It was like performance art. It was amazing.

Just both of them just locked in with each other. It was like a gentle rhythm. It was like deli chicken. Yeah. Who broke first? Yeah. I left before. I felt like this could go on all day.

It was a confusing joke. Yeah, yeah. It's like deli chicken. Yeah, I know. It's a confusing joke. I know. There's too much going on. I thought of the meat before the game.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the beauty of podcasts. People, I know. There's too much going on. I thought of the meat before the game. Yeah. Well, that's the beauty of podcasts. People can go back and just study that joke and get exactly what happened there. That truly is the one beauty of podcasts. Well, what about this? Here's another weird thing I observed the other day. There is a reason, by the way. There is a system.

You take a number when it's busy, and when it's not busy, they abandon the system. Okay, done. That's the system. The other day, I was trying to steal shallots and they caught me i was trying to i was trying to wait okay that's another wish you should have brought that up before we did the most powerful sort of list because that immediately downgrades you quite a few levels because i wanted to get shallots so they're 20 a kilo right the brown onions they're three dollars a kilo so i thought well they look the same i'll just press the brown onion button right and get my sweet because that's fair because no one's serving me at the self-service no one's serving me so i should get a little discount and then

this lady caught me and i had to pretend that i didn't know why she was coming over and she was oh excuse me i said yes she's they're not shallots i was like oh aren't they but they're not onions i said oh aren't they she's yeah they're shallotsots. I was like, oh, aren't they? But they're not onions. I was like, oh, aren't they? She was, yeah, they're shallots. They're smaller. I was like, oh, gosh. I had to put the whole time to pretend that I didn't know. In exchange, do you want a Jag watch?

Do you want one of these? I've never done that. I have a friend who just will buy makeup at the supermarket and just put it through as like one pinto bean and just, you know. Oh, really? And I'd never do it for that reason because I'd be the jackass that would get caught. Makes me feel so alive. Well, now I know that if you get caught, nothing happens. Yeah.

I would love to know the story. I liked that midway through that story, Carl, you didn't know that Josh was talking about self-serve and you had to clarify, oh, at the self-serve. Like, he's just rocking up at the normal checkout and she's scanning them with shalots and he's going, oh, no, no, no, no, I think you'll find that's a brown onion if you look a bit closer.

I thought that was the power of celebrity. It's almost like some hypnotic shit going on. Being a celebrity is just like a Jedi, I imagine. I, didn't you see me on Talking About Your Generation? I answered a lot of general questions about, about vegetables. I think I know what I'm talking about. I was really worried that I didn't realize you were doing an impression of me. And I was like, I didn't remember you on that show. How horrible was that? I thought I was really worried because I didn't realise you were doing an impression of me And I was like, I didn't remember you on that show

How horrible was that? I thought I was a monster I was Amanda Keller for three episodes Here's something I saw the other day that I've never seen before And I don't know if this is going to become a trend But I really hope not I was out at a club And I went

to the bottom end in the city. I wasn't going to know. So I went in there into the bathroom and the urinal is just a giant mirror that you're standing in front of.

So you're there, literally just pissing all over yourself. Onto a mirror. There's no... Onto a big mirror. So you're there literally just pissing all over yourself. Onto a mirror. There's no. Onto a big mirror. So you can look at everyone else's penis. But there's like little dividers. There's like a little.

So you can't see the person next to you. But you're just looking at yourself. It's horrible. With your dick out. It's the worst thing. Just putting stream onto your own. It's like when hotels have a mirror in front of the toilet. And I hate that too.

That's weird. Were you in a toilet or were you just on the outside of a building? I'd cloned myself. A tinted office building that you were just pissing on. No, no, I'd finally cloned myself and I thought, what better time to give the old urine a bit of a go? It just really tears me. You were just Ghostbusters urination,

just crossing the streams quite radically. I went to a Public toilet And it had all these Pictures of Women on the wall Like life-size pictures Of women Pointing down at my penis

And like giggling What? Everyone had like A life-size picture Of a woman Like pointing and laughing Oh wow And I just couldn't

I just I got a bit like Offended Because I was I just Annoyed me because You could never do that in a girl's bathroom. There's no way in the girl's bathroom they sit down and there's a man on the back of the door pointing at their vagina.

What a weird vagina you have. It's not the right size. You weirdo. Or it's just a group of men just high-fiving going, yeah, she's got it out. Yeah. What would the equivalent be? They'd be saying it's too big. I just said what it would be. Yeah, I guess so. Their vagina's it out. Yeah. What would the equivalent be? Yeah. They'd be saying it's too big. I just said what it would be.

Yeah, I guess so. Their vagina's too big. Yeah. That's a massive thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think, I don't know. This is out of my, I don't know. I mentioned just that it's yucky.

But it seems like a ridiculous thing. Like, that seems like a broken toilet. Like, that's the, obviously the last thing that you want happening in the toilet. The only task a toilet has is to help you get rid of your bodily waste. Yeah. And that seems like it's preventing you from getting rid of it because people won't be able to go. They'll get stage fright in front of these caricatures. I was in Spain with Tom and we went to a gay bar.

Sometimes Tom comes to gay bars because they're quite fun and they're a great place to pick up chubby girls with low self-esteem. That's his niche. I did that on a night out with you. Come on. That's what he loves, right?

But in Spain, they're different and they're really hardcore. And we went to the bathroom, but he doesn't use the urinal. But playing in the in front of you was a tv screen with a massive man fisting another man wow i know and i was like sorry tom i didn't know this as well we thought we're going like the greyhounds you know everyone's like giggling and then i he shouldn't have had to do that as my friends try and piss while watching

a massive hairy man fist another. I mean, I've hardly, that's not a thing that you see. That's a very specific form of stage fright. Like, oh, this is just when you see, no, no, no. Just specifically images of men being fisted. I cannot piss. Yeah. Does it?

Nobody. I mean, it's. I don't understand why you're showing me porn while I'm peeing. Yeah. Yeah. Again, that doesn't help with the process, does it? They're opposites, aren't they? They're opposites. If I like it, then I won't be why you're showing me porn while I'm peeing. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Again, that doesn't help with the process, does it? They're opposites, aren't they? They're opposites.

If I like it, then I won't be able to pee. Yeah. And if I don't like it, then why are you showing it to me? Yeah. Yeah. Look, I'd go back and have a word in that Spanish in my club. I don't think you thought this through. I think you should be playing waterfalls.

Waterfalls and playing rain music. Yeah, yeah. I just mentioned it before I have been to a gay bar with you Once a couple of years ago A few years ago now Where did we go? A bar called Barry Oh yeah

And I did indeed pick up a chubby girl With low self esteem High five Yeah come on hey That's what life's all about And I got talking to her Did you get home and the girl thought That she'd done the same thing?

You are going to nail that audition, buddy. Yes. JBC's going to love that stuff. If it's a panel show about lesbians, you are in. No, because I was talking to her and I mentioned very early on, you know, I'm not gay. I'm just here with a mate. And she said, yeah, I come here with my friends.

And I hear that all the time from boys who are actually gay. I'm like, I'm sure you do, but I'm different because I'm not gay. I'm just here with a mate. And she said, yeah, I come here with my friends. And I hear that all the time from boys who are actually gay. I'm like, I'm sure you do, but I'm different because I'm not actually gay. And this just kept going on and on where she didn't believe me. So I went, well, here's an in. And so I went. Look, let's go into the toilets. Let's watch the TV. I won't get an erection while I'm peeing when the man's bottom is being fisted.

I made out with her. And then at the end of it, I said, I thought this was like the coolest thing in the world. I went, so do you still think I'm gay? And she just went, yep. And it was the best Christmas ever. My friend, I've got a friend that listens to the show, a friend of the show, Glenn Pike, I'll mention him.

He's a friend from Meribah. And he went to, he was telling me the other day, he was at a bar, and he said he was talking to this girl, and she was like way out of his league, and she was like a real model stunner. And he was sitting there going, man, a bar and he said he was talking to this girl and she was like way out of his league and she was like a real model stunner. And he was sitting there going, man, I can't believe I'm still talking to this girl. She's really hot. And then all of a sudden she sort of jumps him, starts making out with him. And he's like, how good, this is awesome. And then she stopped and went, you can make out with my friend too.

And pointed to her friend who was a male friend. And then he went, I'm what? And she goes, you're gay, aren't you? And he goes, no. And she goes, oh, yuck. And like starts spitting out. And I'm like, how does that work? Like, why were you, why is it yucky to kiss a straight guy?

But I also like that she's got this weird idea of gay men where it's like, men will make out with each other, but they need a female conduit to kind of, you know, test the waters and bridge the gap. Or maybe she was a man. I don't know. I don't know how that works.

That's a very confusing story. She wanted to kiss him and not feel like it was about sex. Right. And then it was about sex. And then she'd be like, I don't understand. No, I don't understand. That, I don't understand.

That was just a very. She's an idiot. Yeah. All right. We've got issues with a few people. A few people are going to have to be sorted out after this episode. Gay nightclub in Spain. Got some emails to send.

Got some emails. That's what these screens are for. Just before we get out of here, Josh, I know there'll be a lot of people listening to this. Very interested to hear any little tidbits that you can let out about Please Like Me that's coming up soon. Because it's in the can, but there hasn't been a lot of it. It's not on until mid-fab next year.

No, I'm not allowed to say that. We could be recording this in any year. It's going to be on at some point. Okay, that's a sweet tidbit for the listeners. We've got the Luke McGregor bombshell. That is a great little Easter egg for people who have sat through this podcast for an hour and they've got exclusive from Josh.

It's going to be on. Yeah, so just get your calendar out and draw a circle around the calendar as a whole. Highlight 365 days just to make sure you don't miss out a big secret the air date is like a big secret is it shows i don't understand why i don't understand why they because they think that like it needs to be an announcement so that it's like newsworthy or something but if you just kind of like talk about it over time i'm, nobody is paying that much. Nobody cares. Nobody is paying that much attention.

I think it's just PR people justifying having a job. Yeah. I just don't just like, I just think that if I said what date it was on in interviews, that would be better than not telling them what date it's on. Right. Don't you think? Yes.

Well, having sat through this, I certainly agree. I think this is what we're going to talk about. Cool. Well, that just about brings us to the end of a little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Josh Thomas, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.

Please Like Me is on at some point. You're on Twitter. People can find you on there. Have you got a stand-up CD that's on iTunes that people can find? No. I do. Nobody's buying content. And, well, for free, the Josh Thomas and Friends podcast that people can check out.

Not seasons one and two. Guys, if this is your first time listening, thank you very much for joining us. Maybe go through, have a listen to some of our other episodes. Send us an email. Let us know what you thought. LittleDumbDumbClub at gmail.com. We're also on Facebook. We're on Twitter. We have t-shirts for sale.

If Tommy has deleted this episode accidentally, I'd just like to put a shout-out to the Will Anderson episode that's in podcast heaven that we're reciting in at the moment. This is a thrilling moment, isn't it? We don't know what's going to happen at the end of this. Do you think that when you say at the end of this, when you said, if you liked it, download some other ones, do you think that's going to help?

I'm sure they would. Yeah. I've already decided to download it. Well, it's nice to... Well, put it this way. We did a show the other night. They hadn't thought about it. They hadn't come up with the idea.

This is something we should have brought up. Let's squeeze some content into the dying minutes of this thing. Last thing said, but we did do a... I like the end of every podcast to feel like the awkward end of a dinner party. Yeah, where everyone here is just looking at their watch at the moment. We did a show the other night that was marketed as a podcast, a little dum-dum club sort of a show

except it didn't really sort of get marketed properly and we certainly didn't do anything to get people in so we just turned up and thought, well, probably no one will turn up to this. And there were some people there including, there was a couple there who I said from the stage,

hey, are you here on purpose? And they're like, yep. And I went, how come? They went, because we went and saw your live shows in the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I'm like, oh, great. So you've been listening to the shows since then? No.

They'd never listened to an episode, but they just saw us once at a live show. And they went, we only want to see this person in the flesh. We do not want to go near iTunes. Yeah. Fair enough, though. Is it? It seemed very weird. Well, we grilled them pretty hard from on stage, so if they have started listening, welcome aboard, you

fucking idiots. I don't think they were, because I was just asking questions and the only thing you said to them was, you're weird. Yeah. So I don't think they're ever coming again. I'm just speaking the truth. That's generally a channel thing to say. I was very surprised you said that. Well, guys, if you like that anecdote that Carl just told,

go back and listen to it again. Have a bit of a giggle. Guys, thank you very much for joining us, and we will see you next time. See you, mates.