The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 109 - Bart Freebairn & David Quirk

Episode Date: October 23, 2012

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This episode is brought to you by Dave's Online Deals. Hey, mates. Welcome into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. There's a lot of build-up for something very strange that just happened before. Yeah, sure. Sure. Dave's Online Deals reference to last week's episode with Luke McGregor,

in which we were also talking about the birthday party of Luke McGregor. Now, I... Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Are you going to wreck this whole show? Nick Cody, how many days to go until his birthday? Oh, man, I haven't even looked up. 188. 188 days until Nick Cody's birthday.

The countdown continues. We've really got to start up a side counter for the shopping days. Yeah. Because who cares, like, number of days? That's irrelevant information. That's not... Having said that, are there any days where you can't go shopping nowadays? So it probably doesn't matter.

Yeah, true. Well, if you live in a country town, maybe you're from Ballarat or something and you're hoping to head down into the city for Nick Cody's birthday. Or how many waking hours? Yeah, we could really get more specific on this one. So Luke McGregor's birthday party, how was it? Give us a wrap up. Well, you were there kind of for a little bit.

I got there right as it was ending, which is always good. Yeah, right. Yeah. No, it was good. It was, yeah, a lot of friends of the show there. A lot of, nothing in particular happened, I don't think. Luke was very happy. There was a little thing on Facebook that I did at the start that he didn't take any stride, I guess, too well.

He did put up a Facebook. To be fair, it was you telling everyone that the party was cancelled, which people who know you very well would know what that means. But I can see how there would be some concern for people who perhaps don't know your sense of humour, inverted commas. Yes. I was typing on the invite that was going out to all the people invited. Yeah, sorry, guys. Sad news.

Luke's party's cancelled. Hey, there's something good on Seven Mate tonight, though, so everyone stay inside and have a good time. Good one. You know, have a great night, guys. And then him just going, oh, Carl's joking. The party's still going on. And then me correcting him afterwards going, guys, Luke just texted me.

The party's definitely cancelled. Yeah. And then everyone else who showed up that they were going who RSVP'd you commented saying, don't bother. Party's off. Yeah. Sorry, everyone. Yeah, so it was a miracle that anyone was there.

Yeah. There were a lot of people there, though, when I got there. Luke was getting phone calls. Luke was actually getting phone calls. Who called him? So I'm pretty powerful in the social media world. I think that proves. What a disaster.

So if you ever get the shits with this podcast and say, hey, it's not up anymore. That's it. Everyone's just going to drop off. It's silly. Just be nice to me. I could ruin your career, Tommy Daslow. I could say, Tommy Daslow's not doing comedy anymore. Bang, you're gone.

But it's interesting that that's the first place your head goes. I mean, you've got a lot of power here, obviously. You could be using it for something positive and constructive. People listen to what you say. Have we met? No, I know. I mean, I'm not surprised by it, but I'm just saying it's like, it's a shame is what I'm saying.

It's really disappointing. I'll have a think about it tonight. Think about if you just put up on Facebook, hey everyone, cancer doesn't exist anymore. Bang, it'd be done. Would that actually be done? Well, there's only one way to find out. We're never going to find out, are we? Because it's not something that you... I'll say it now. I don't know, does it count if it's on a podcast or is it specifically... I think a podcast is as important as a Facebook invite. Okay, let's find out. Do it. What did I have to say again?

You heard me before. Yeah, but I didn't bother remembering it. Cancer is no such thing. Is that what you said? Now we'll find out. All right. And we'll see what happens. Yeah.

So if you get diagnosed with cancer in the next week, let us know. Yeah, if you're listening and you have cancer and then by the end of it you don't, give us an email. Maybe a thank you. What have you like? An x-ray?

Should we just go home? Today on the program, two returning guests, two of our absolute favesies. First of all, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, David Quirk. Fully returned. Fully returned. Not just half returned, you are completely back in here. There was a lot to take in sitting in the room listening to you guys there. Three timer.

I'd say, yeah, you've got a good memory. Have we punched your card yet? Because you get a free coffee at five. Do I? Yeah. Soon, soon. You get free cancer. Absolutely.

Okay, that's it. But it doesn't exist. That's the end of those references. I'll stop there. Spoken by Tommy Daslow. Yeah, thanks for having me, bros. Can I call you bros? I know mates is normally...

I'm going to say I'm fine with being called bros. I did just get off a skateboard, so I sort of... You did? How old are you? ...commissioned to say bros. How old are you? 20... 20.

20. You're 20. 20, 20. That's why I ride a skateboard still. I'm 17. What is the cutoff? Is there an official cutoff? I feel like there should be.

Everyone thinks so. Everyone but people that ride skateboards into their late 40s. Yeah. Just thinks there's a cut-off. See, I've thought about taking it up again, but I'm 26. So by the time I got any good, I'd be past. I'd be, you know, I'd probably get a good six months in and then it'd be time to give it up again. I'm taking up roller skates.

I think that's the thing to do. I'm taking up razor scootering. I'm for roller skates Yeah are you? Because That's the only reason Why skateboards exist Is because

They had to dismantle A skateboard Roller skates To make a skateboard Do you know that? The way they turn Is exactly the same Is that it?

Roller skates Are skateboards 1.0 Yeah Wow You could argue That they You know They dismantled them

To therefore change them But you know I've got respect for them. Let's prove that evolution exists. Absolutely. Let's say skateboards just didn't materialize. If anyone's learned anything in the last five minutes, it's that evolution exists and cancer doesn't.

It's like when you update an app on your iPhone and then you open the update and they've just changed everything good about it and you go, why didn't I stick with the original? The OG. Yeah, that's what all those poor roller skaters who now have to own skateboards. Oh, boy. Absolutely.

I'm just thinking about the fact you guys just ignore. Yeah, okay. What do we introduce the guest to? Given what he'll probably put on as an onslaught, I'm pretty happy to ignore the guest. I'm amazed that he's managed to sit in silence for this long. This is like some kind of record for him. All the stuff he said off air. You know him from the Something for the Drive Home podcast.

Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Bart Freeburn. Thanks, you little crimbo's. Yeah, diet crimbo's. Time for the gravy. Oh, gravy power. Just imagine before when he wasn't saying anything, he was just thinking those words. They were running through his mind. I was just entranced by your beautiful talking.

These guys are so talented. Yeah, we've got a lot going on. I wanted to add things to it as well. I wanted to yell things about wheels. Yeah. You don't skate. You're a bike rider. Yeah, man.

I'm a bike rider. What did bikes used to be? Yeah. Well, bikes. Used to be walking. And then someone said, you know what? Walking needs more shapes. Add a triangle to it. A few circles. Boom. That wasn't a one-step process, was it? I think that's a fairly big jump from walking to riding a bike. Well, what do you think? There's smart dudes around that could do that easy. Yeah.

Make that jump. Is there? Yeah. What do you think science is? I've heard. Dickheads. I've heard. Oh, he got serious. Do some experiments.

I don't know if I want to be here anymore. Here's another fact about bikes, is that apparently the bike is like for energy used, like human energy put out, the bicycle is the most efficient thing. Just out of all inventions of transport. Where are you learning these things? Is there like a transport museum that you came up with?

I make a lot of them up. The bicycle is the lizard of the transport world. So what's the roller skates? The roller skate would be the salamander, silly. They're impractical and need to be dismantled. Some sort of eel. What about this? We were talking about Luke McGregor's party.

Here's the one thing that I got out of Luke McGregor's party. Were you guys there, Dave and Bart? Were you there at the party? I was there for only about an hour. I retired. I was at a wedding. Okay. I was getting married for the 14th time.

Wow. I have so many wives. Zsa Zsa Freebarn. Yeah. I don't just marry them normal. I marry them hard and deep. Really marry them good. So when you said getting married for the 14th time, you don't mean like you've gotten divorced 13 other times. You're married to 14 different people now. I put on, I steal someone's skin. They don't always

survive and take on a new identity and then marry someone else. We shouldn't have let him in here, should we? I think someone's shown you Silence of the Lambs and told you it's a wedding video. That's not normally how it goes. That's not four weddings and a funeral, isn't it? Anthony Hopkins is that bumbling, well-mannered

but crazy gentleman that can't help but fall in love with his wife. Was there an incompetent clerk at Blockbuster who accidentally filed Silence of the Lambs in the romance section? Yeah. And you've learned all you know from just that fact? This funny priest we found called Buffalo Bill.

Hannibal Lecter really does love people. He does love people, just not the way that we do. Yeah, Romeo and Juliet and Hannibal. Yeah. It's like a marriage, isn't it? Yeah. I thought he was dead, so I ate his legs. Sorry.

Put skateboarding. Sorry, go. No, so I ate his legs. Sorry. Put skateboards... Sorry, go. No, go, man. No, go. I was saying you could put skateboards on where his legs were. That's good. I'd have to watch that. Was that worth stopping your train of thought?

Yeah, yeah. It was definitely worth you going, go, go, go, go to each other. Old stumpy skateboard. Just edit that back in twice. Let's have that a few times. I just wanted to say, though, because you said so much in the first few minutes. It was so much good stuff.

Yeah, how dare we on our own show? And just in reference to Luke McGregor's party, which if you honestly tried to stop the party in its tracks, Carl, how bad a job did you do? Because how many people were there? I don't think there are many other comics, or indeed people, that would get that kind of turnout. Well, you know what?

How does he do it? How does he do it? Well, we on Facebook, if you follow us on Facebook, you'll know that we put out a competition to win entry to Luke McGregor's party. And we just said, give us your best excuse. Why should you be going to Luke McGregor's party? And we had like dozens and dozens of responses.

So then we sort of looked over the ones, our favourite ones, and then contacted those people and went, hey, do you want to come to Luke McGregor's party? None of them. None of them came. None of them came. There were some good ones there. There were some people wanting to hook up with him. There were people quoting lines that he said in his first appearance on this show that

we've since forgotten about. A lot of people enjoy McGregor from a distance. He needs loving. He needs loving though. He does need a close tender. Could this be because we sent those messages out maybe about half an hour before the party started? Could that have had something to do with it? That's how I work. If other people

don't like that, they can not go to the party. That's how I do things. A rabid fan only needs half an hour. Maybe they just saw your posts and went this is a trick because the party's off. Yeah. This is mixed messages. The boy who cried wolf of podcasts. The guy who cried McGregor party.

If they were proper fans, they would have known where it was. Yeah. They would have followed him there. Yeah. It should have been like that sort of thing where the Rolling Stones play a secret gig somewhere and they're onto it straight away. They should already know that. At McGregor's party, this is the one thing I got out of it.

I met Luke McGregor's brother. Yeah, I saw him. Yeah. Who someone came up to me and said, that's Luke's brother. Just there. And I was like, yeah. And I go, but he's hot. That's too soon.

I was like, yeah. But apparently he works in the Air Force. Oh. That's too soon. I was like, yeah. What's? Yeah. But apparently he works in the Air Force. Oh, right. He's hot, but apparently he works. Which is. Those two things can correspond.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not seen. There's not all ugly pilots. You're right. You've seen Top Gun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. Then you know Luke's brother. He's in that. He's in Top Gun. He's Ice Pick. He's Ice Pick. Yeah.

He flies into that. Ice Man. Ice Man. Not Ice Pick. I was thinking's in Top Gun. He's Ice Pick. He's Ice Pick. He flies into that. Ice Man. Ice Man, not Ice Pick. I was thinking of Magnum P.I. Ice Pick's a great name. Listeners, if you're having trouble working out this part of the show, just pop on Top Gun and it'll all be revealed. If you can't picture a hot pilot.

Let's leave a couple of seconds silence for people to just hit pause and then have a clean point to come back on. Watch 90 minutes of the steel flame bird chasing other flame birds. And okay, now you're back. Wasn't that great? Yeah. What did you think, guys? I think, you know what?

I've never seen Top Gun. I think I'm going to watch it myself when I'm editing the show when I get up to that point. Yeah. I thought you were watching it on the monitors just then. Oh, that's a great idea. You can take a highway to the danger zone. So Luke McGree's brother, right?

He's a bit of a hunky, apparently hunky, not a pilot. He works in the Air Force. Did he have a moustache? He didn't. Was he smoking a pipe? No. Was he wearing pantaloons?

No. He was in midair, though. A dinner jacket? That's great. He's not Captain Haddock from Tintin, which is what you seem to be confusing. And he's not the statue from Flight Center. Because I was going to ask if he was a 3D-generated man. Flight Center is part of the Air Force, isn't it?

I'm not wrong there. They're in cahoots. Because I got there, like I said, I got there very late. I was only around for about 10 minutes. But when I was there, I saw him, and he seemed to be getting quite a bit of lady attention. Oh, really, was he? Yeah, yeah. Well, there are a couple of people trying their luck.

Well, how's this? I don't even know his name. I probably shouldn't name him. All right. What should we call him? Paul. He screams Paul, I reckon. Paul?

Paul McGregor. Paul McGregor, yeah. Rick. I'm going to call him Rick Jones. Rick. No, Rick's good. Rick's McGregor. Rick's an Air Force dude.

I was going to call him Risty McGregor. Nah. So Rick rocks up in a triplane in his pantaloon. Is he just circling above the party in a jet for prey? Just full of hot tubs? It's one of those big jets that's a hot tub. It's a hot tub jet. I think he was doing a display like you do at the show or whatever.

He was doing loop-de-loops and whatever. And it's powered on minge. Really making sure that his brother wouldn't pick up that night. Just really rubbing it in. Yeah. Just skywriting embarrassing facts about things that Luke did as a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just going figure eight how old Luke was when he stopped pissing the bed.

And just like blanket bombing the area with latex moulded flaccid Luke penises. Just looking and be like, I'm not interested in that. There's a lot of effort he's put in when he's already a good looking guy. He could probably do it without the latex. What a rotten family. Yeah. Anyway, so I met him and when it came up about the Air Force, they said he's in the Air Force. I'm like, oh, cool.

You must work. Do you work out in like past Altona out that way? And he was like, yeah, yeah. I used to work out there a bit. And I was like, oh, yeah. And he goes, oh, I work more in Canberra. More. And I went, oh, right.

And then I sort of was like, you know what? I had an ex-girlfriend that worked in the Air Force. Oh, yeah. Like where this is heading. Yeah. And I was like. Sex force. I think last I heard of her, she was working up in Toowoomba.

I'm sort of just naming the bases. He's like, yeah, yeah, I've done all that sort of stuff and whatever. Naming the bases. Home base. And then. Right up in the guts. This is a heartfelt story. Yeah.

So is home base, bro. That's where we all came from. We're talking about fighter pilots and Barty's kind of like become the fighter pilot of this story. Just circling around, doing whatever he wants. Latex copies of your penis. He's doing loop-de-loops around my story at the moment. Just layerizing.

He's hitting you with a couple of sidewinders. They're snakes. So you know what? He's dumped a bit of laughing gas into the air because I am having a good old time. Yep. So then it struck me. I sort of went, oh, you know, because to be honest, this girlfriend that I had, I think I've talked about her on the show before, but she was the heartbreak of my life.

I don't know if you've talked about it on the show, but you definitely have talked to me about it on the drive up to Canberra when we went last year. Oh, really? Yes. Yeah. Because Canberra is like a bit of a funny thing to me because- Oh, I know. You nearly had a breakdown.

Yeah. It was the most tender I've ever seen you. Really? Yeah. Yeah, well, it sounds like me. How long ago was this, by the way, that you had the heartbreak? The breakup. About, I think, eight years ago or so, I think.

And it was one of those things where- So we went out for like two and a half years, and then we were long distance by the end. And then it was sort of like- And she was a lot younger than me. And then she sort of went, okay, we're done. And see, I click. And out of nowhere.

And I'm like, what? And then she wouldn't like return phone calls. She wouldn't, you know, I was like, oh man, I've got to come up and see you and talk to you. Nah. Change phone numbers. Like I hadn't done anything. Just, just tried to erase herself from history. Now you say you haven't done anything,

but you've also said that you were very heartbroken. People don't just change their numbers for nothing. No, no, no. Are you sure it's not like you went full crazy ex-boyfriend and your memory's just kind of choosing to block out that behaviour? No, no, no. I didn't go crazy, but I think it was justifiably a bit crazy. I didn't go crazy, but it was justifiably crazy.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think if it came up in court, the judge would be like, I'll allow that. I'll allow that amount of craziness. Okay, yeah, yeah. Because literally it was like that. It was like, no, that's it. And I'm like, why?

I've got to go. And I'm like, oh. She farted into the phone? That's a bit much. And just kept talking. No. So, I don't know. I was given no reason and it was like, you know, it was a long relationship.

Yeah. I reckon I'm allowed to have a reason, aren't I? Sure. Yeah. People go a bit crazy without a reason. Yeah. That's true. So, having a reason is.

I'm not saying you're not allowed to go crazy. I just want you to be honest about having gone crazy. Well, in terms of crazy, in my head, I'm like, I'm allowed to keep calling you until you talk to me, I reckon. Carl, you sent her one of your legs. You chopped off one of your legs and sent it to her. Yeah. And then I chopped off one of her legs and sent it back to her.

Yeah. And you swapped. Swapped legs. That's why you've got one lady leg. Yeah. I always wondered about that. One beautiful hairless leg. I thought it was polio. Yeah. And you swapped. Swapped legs. That's why you've got one lady leg. Yeah. I always wondered about that. One beautiful hairless leg. I thought it was polio. Yeah.

I did too. Very sexy polio. Anyway, back to my broken heart. And yeah, so it was, it ended like that. And it was, and it was, it's almost like this nearly sort of unfinished thing that's always going to be a bit tender out there because I never got to talk to her or anything like that. It was just all she wasn't mature enough to have the guts or whatever to talk to me and go, oh, this is what's happened

or this is how I feel or anything like this. It just never got resolved. And she was finishing high school as well. Finishing or starting? She wasn't far off. Hey! Cradle snatcher! Why don't you go date a zygote?

So you've stitched yourself up twice in your own story because you could have just said she's younger than me, but you made a point of saying she was a lot younger than me, which you're doing to sound cool, but it's just made you sound a bit predatory and a bit weird. I'm not trying to sound cool. It was just a fact. You're in your mid-20s.

You're in your mid-20s. You're in your mid-20s. She's in her late teens. No, I think it was 28 and 20. Yeah, that's acceptable age. That's legal. Yes. It is. That in the eyes of the law and society and the Lord.

You know, we were in love. We were in love. That was the eyes of the law and society and the Lord. You know, we were in love. We were in love. That was the romantic way we'd describe ourselves. We're legal. Now, what I'm still, if I can bring this back, you bring all this up to Rick McGregor. No, no, no. Ristie McGregor.

I didn't bring it all up, but I'm just painting. Captain Ristie McGregor. Where he says, yeah, I've been with her too. No, no. Yeah, that's where I'm hoping it's going. She was actually hanging off his raging boner at the time. And then Carl was like, I didn't notice you. How are you, Sandra?

And she was like, I don't want to talk to you. I'd have to say, if it was just two years ago, I think I'd be crying at you saying these stories. I think I'm just over it enough to be able to laugh along with this. This is good therapy. Listeners, you need to know,

as someone who's known Carl for a long time, he must actually mean this. Yeah. Because, you know, we all know Carl pretty well. This actually must be

hitting a bone for him. And for him to tell Captain... I think we should end the podcast. And also, no, that's why there's no reason for us to just not go

even harder on it. For you to casually bring this up in front of Captain Ristie McGregor, like it's no big deal. In front of his moustache. Yeah. While he's smoking his pipe with his pantaloons on makes me think that you're over it. You're fine. Yeah. No, but because it never got resolved properly, because I never heard the end of it or anything like that.

It's always been this ghost in the background. And I'm like, you know, it's going to be this moment one day where I just walk past her at Chadston Shopping Mall and go, what do I say? Is there anything to say? Or I've always thought, what am I going to do? I think about two or three years after it all ended, I went to Canberra and I was just walking around Canberra sweating, hoping I didn't run into her and literally just seeing people that looked a little bit like her and going, oh, no.

Oh, my God. And freaking out and then going, oh, no, that's the flight centre guy. I have some questions about you bumping into her in Chadston in your imagination. She's actually there right now. Why are you at Chadston? It's where the Apple store is. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to fix my broken iPhone. Why has she come down from Canberra just to go to Chadston? Look, why do people do a lot of things? She has to get her vagina fixed because she's had 15 kids. Jesus. If you can show me, Tom, if you can show me a tourist. And she's named all of them Carl. Yeah. If you can show me. Tommy, if you can show me a tourist. And she's named all of them Carl.

Yeah. Carl 17. Can I swear on this? Green Carl. Please, I insist. Don't swear. If you can show me a tourist, Tommy, in all seriousness, that does not want to go to Chadstone.

To Fashion Capital. It's a beautiful complex. I will eat your hat. Yeah. Okay. It's a nice hat. It's got a burger on it. I am wearing a hat too, just for the listeners.

Yeah. A burger hat. Quirk's just making up an empty threat. He will actually eat a hat. So we've set this up. So you're talking about this woman to Luke. Someone I hadn't thought of for years. And so I said, oh, I used to have a girlfriend.

I used to have a girlfriend that worked in the Air Force. Yeah. Would have been great if you'd just stopped the sentence there. I used to have a girlfriend. I used to have a girlfriend that worked in the Air Force. Yeah. Would have been great if you'd just stopped the sentence there. I used to have a girlfriend. I'm cool. Yeah. And he would have been like, oh, that's one more than my brother's had. So anyway.

Oh, no. That's not true. People were really, people were kind of. You know what? Yeah. Luke McGregor, for all the jokes that are made. Yeah. He, I've seen the amount of girls that he's kissed in the last month.

Oh, really? I think he's kissed like three or four girls. We don't need to be too specific about it, but he's doing pretty well. He's doing pretty good for himself at the moment. I looked at his figures and went, you know what? That's more than I ever did when I was single. Where are these figures? Figures.

No, you're right. I have the same thing where he always seems a bit down about it, but then you press him and you find out that he's doing well. By anyone's standards, I would say he's doing pretty well. By my standards, he's doing great. He's a charming gentleman. Yeah. By your ex-girlfriend's standards, probably not as great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said to Rick, Rick McGregor, I used to have a girlfriend, whatever. She was in the Air Force, whatever. And he goes, oh, what was her name? And I said, oh, such and suchor, I used to have a girlfriend, whatever, she was in the Air Force, whatever. And he goes, oh, what was her name? And I said, oh, such and such. And I won't name her. I just shouldn't name her.

I'm a Jedi. Flinty McBint. I'll say it was Mary Ann. Call it the gravy. I said, her name was Mary Ann. And he goes, is that her full name? I said, no, that's her first name. Her full name is Mary Ann Spears.

And he goes, yeah. Everybody searched that. And he goes, yeah, she was my instructor. Oh, my sex instructor. Yeah, sex instructor. Because you know when the plane is about to explode, they have to fuck each other to save it. That's why they have sex instructors. I'm going to have dreams about this tonight. Now, let me ask you this because I know from looking at photos that you were at this party,

were you with your current girlfriend? I was. Was she standing next to you when this came up? Don't use the term current girlfriend. Well, no. Just try not to. Okay, girlfriend. I've done it, but you should try not to.

Okay. So, no, she was my wife. You made sure she was out of your shot. Yeah, yeah. I threw her out of earshot? Yeah, yeah. I threw her out of the way once this subject came up. Go get yourself something nice. Life partner. Go out and have a look at Rick's plane for a second.

Go and have a look at that. He's 20 bucks. Go see a movie or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go make yourself pretty. Like the woman who broke my heart. Do I smell burning pie? Could you please see to that?

Yeah. I think I left the handbrake off. Can you go and check that? So he knows it. Yeah, he knows it. But then I was sort of too freaked out and then just left the conversation. Just went, if I start asking questions now. No, because I got obsessed with it at the time.

Have you seen the gravy mistress since that day? The one thing that was volunteered, the one really good thing, because I'd never seen her since, the one good thing was- She's gotten fat. High five. I didn't ask that. But what he did say was, yeah, she's an angry one. And I was like, oh, is she?

He goes, yeah, I think it's because she's gone nowhere in her career. And I was like, yeah. That was good. Probably because she's gone nowhere in her career. And I was like, yeah. That was good news. Probably because she's pining for the Chan man. And it's wrecked her career. I like rubbing it in over someone going nowhere and saying that on a podcast. Chindly cast a curse upon her sweetheart. There's probably been some helicopter disasters due to her thinking of me, maybe.

How can an instructor have gone nowhere? She was above him. Yeah, she taught him. Maybe she just stayed an instructor and he's gone on to fly by plane and become a captain. Do you look at school teachers and go, you guys have made it? Would you look at an art teacher and go, man, you are probably better than Rembrandt? For the purpose of this conversation, yes, I would. Yes, I definitely would.

If it's the band The Rembrandts, then sure. What about Dead Poets Society? That guy was a great teacher. Yeah, yeah. Robin Williams. Yeah, he would have been better if he existed. Do you look at the bloke that sells you petrol to put in your car and go, you're better than my car? I reckon he could taste.

Can you give me a piggyback home? I reckon he could sense your fear. And he basically just said, yeah, she's gone nowhere. I told me what I wanted to hear. She's probably, yeah. So she could be. She is doing well. And that's the secret to his success.

That's what's so great about Ristie McGregor. He's very good at telling people what they want to hear, inflating people. He's a psychic. If he's in the air and he's got to make a decision, he can make it. And he's done the same thing on the ground as well. He flies planes with the power of his thought. People thought he was in the jacuzzi plane above.

He was just using his mind. There could have been a better metaphor for the situation, I think. Since it looks like the bulk, if not all, of this podcast will be about this gentleman, I'm going to weigh in with my version of what happened with him. Okay. And I got told by someone, I said, that's Luke's brother. He seems like he's not Luke. He seems like he's not Luke.

So you weren't looking at Luke and going, that's Luke's brother? One of the main qualifications of being someone's brother is that you're not them. But it seems like. You can be closely related, you just can't be them. It seems like you're still not 100% sure that he's not Luke. By my own logic, all you guys could be my brother. I defy you to even call that logic. You should be eating a hat right now, Quirk.

What are you even doing talking? Anyway, I moved away from him and someone, a girl, said, yeah, you know he's in the secret forces? So this is before I didn't know the fact of him being in the Air Force. It's my favourite force. And I said the secret forces. I think you could be arrested for even saying the name the secret forces. I don't think there are actually secret forces.

And then I started saying it deliberately in front of Ronny Chieng. And he's like, there are no secret forces out loud. I don't think there are actually secret forces. And then I started saying it deliberately in front of Ronny Chieng and he's like, there are no secret forces, man. There's only the special forces or the secret service. That almost sounded like

Arnold Schwarzenegger when you said that. There are no secret forces there. Forces there are not. So there you go. Ronny Chieng did not want to have any. Finally,

someone's done Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. The secret forces, it sounds like, the secret force, it sounds like... Thank you! The secret force is... It sounds like he's in the Freemasons or something.

It doesn't sound much to do with the Air Force. I think it's very funny, the idea of him being in the secret force. He can't fly a plane, but he gets a cheat meal with a spaghetti tree. But when I did hear that, I honestly looked at him again. I was like, oh, he's just wearing a T-shirt. How would a person dress that was in the secret force? Would you wear an overcoat if you were in the secret forces? They'd be wearing battle armour.

Yeah. Like a suit of armour. With a dress over the top of it. Yeah. You wouldn't even see them. If they were truly in the secret forces, they wouldn't be there. Yeah. They don't exist. You'd say, he's in the secret forces over there and he'd point to no one. Every person in the secret force has a comedian brother.

Just to throw people off the scent, you know? This is exactly what the secret forces paid us to talk about as well. Well, what about this? While McGregor's party was on, I mentioned last week I was at a ball, at a fundraising ball at the Crown Casino. Whoa. I think I hate it when people call it the Crown. I call it a Crown Casino. A Crown.

I call it when the Crown Casino. Okay. That's even more wrong than the other ones that we mentioned. When Crown Casino. When Crown. When? You've never been inside there, have you, Bart? I've been right up inside at hard.

I've been inside it deep. All the way to the base. Now I'm thinking about my've been inside it deep. All the way to the base. Now I'm thinking about my ex-girlfriend again. All the way to the atrium. I married that casino. Oh, that crank casino moved away and lived in Canberra from me about eight years ago. Has it called you? No.

That casino has never been in touch since. I don't even know what that casino looks like anymore. You thought you had triple cherries. I've looked up that casino on Facebook and just couldn't find it. Really? Yeah, probably because she's in the secret forces now. She. So, yeah, I was at a fundraising ball at Crown.

It was a lovely evening. Hugh Jackman performed. It was great. Really? And then I had a few too many beers and went for a walk around the silent auction. Silent auction? You see, I'm lost. You've got the two guests here lost at the idea of a silent auction.

A silent auction. So basically a big kind of – It sounds self-explanatory, I'll be honest. They're auctioning off a lack of noise. Man, once I explain what this is, you're going to feel so stupid. It's basically a long, long table, a lot of different items on them. You write down a bid of different items on them. You write down a bid and then that's it. So you can keep going and checking.

Oh, there's no calling out. Yeah, yeah. So it closes at a certain time. It's a shit version of eBay. Pretty much. Yeah, it basically is, yeah. So yeah, it's basically a silent auction. It is to eBay what roller skates are to skateboards. But you're not allowed to talk when you're in the room? No.

Yes. Or there's a woman that's had her tongue cut out that controls the table. Both. Both of them. Both of those things. And she's a virgin. Yeah. And you're only bidding on things that contain no noise.

Okay. I'd just like to also say I felt stupid long before you were talking about that. But just any question that you ask, just take it as a given that it's a no answer. Okay. If you start thinking about a question, just know that it's going to be no. So, Carl, you want me to give back that $10,000 I stole from your mum? He's got you. Loophole McFreeban.

He's found that millimetre loophole and he's cash. Carl's mum, it seems she's pretty wealthy if she's just keeping $10,000 just casually lying around. You know where I found it, Tommy. I'd love to hear. I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say it was deep inside the casino. Got triple sevens.

On the craps table. So there's a silent option. Thank you, Tommy. I'm a little bit pissed. I'm walking around and I'm finding a bunch of items there that I kind of thought, I'll bid on some of these things and I'll put the numbers up, you know, because there was still quite a bit of time until it closed. So I went around, I bid on a whole bunch of things.

Because I was a bit pissed, I got back to the table, couldn't remember what I'd bid on. And when I was putting in my bids, I kind of, I know this is dumb, but I kind of had a thing in my head where I thought, at most I'll win one. Like, you can't win more than one. So then it gets to the end of the night and I've won fucking everything. So now I'm on the line for a couple hundred bucks that I have to give over. What have you won?

What are the things? So I won some gold class tickets. Oh, nice. Which is, that's good. That's something. To a cinema? Mm-hmm. Yep.

To the movies. I've won a skin treatment that is out in Moonee Ponds. Same one that Bart described earlier on. Yeah. You're going to get married, buddy. So I've won a skin and face treatment thing that I have to drive to Moonee Ponds to get and it expires in like a week. All right.

So that's good. That's fine. Why did you bid on that? I don't know. I just imagine a place that will explode in a week if you don't get there in time. It's like speed, but for moisturizers. Like I said, I just bid on things that I thought, I bid on things that were below, that the bids were currently below their value because I thought I'll boost these up.

You know, I'll get them a bit more love. But the final thing that I won that is the jewel in the crown, I won a $100 voucher to a little place called the Cheese Cave. Oh. Oh yeah. The Cheese Cave. The Cheese Cave. So I've got a voucher for $100 worth of cheese.

How much did it cost? Got that for $30. That's great. That was the one good one. That made everything else worthwhile. Is a cave the best place to store cheese? It is a pretty good place. You know, it's pretty damp.

Where is it? That's kind of conducive. It's nice and cold. There's not a lot of caves. That's a funny thing. It's in Toorak. No. Not a lot of caves in Toorak.

No. Clocking up a few Ks, aren't you? I kind of feel like I'll eat- Moony Ponds. You're going to have Ks. My plan is I'll eat the $100 worth of cheese. My skin will be a fucking nightmare. And then I'll drive out to Mooney Ponds and get myself taken care of.

Yeah, right. Get myself reset. $100 worth of cheese dreams. And then I'll go straight to gold class and just shit everywhere. Because by then the $100 worth of cheese will have worked its way through my body. You eat $100 worth of cheese, you go to the cinema, and you can be the screen. Yeah. Yeah.

Just broadcast onto your belly. This is at night. This is all at night time. They do these auctions. That's something weird, like a midnight. It was at a thing. It was at an event. It was at a ball.

I just pictured you sort of stumbled into a random room. There are these silent operators having some sort of auction. He stumbled into a room. No one said anything. And he just started bidding on things that were on a table. I just imagined it all.

That's how I pictured it. It all happening at once where you're watching Avatar with 3D glasses on as people massage moisturising lotion into your anus. Well, wherever,

whatever part of your body. That would be the best part. You can eat cheese. Not your buttocks, your actual anus. It's the hardest bit. Just putting it in with your thumb.

Just, oop, getting it in with me. You've clearly done the beauty course if you know that you use the thumb, Mr. Quirk. But then they had, so then they had the actual, the proper, like, out loud auction, which was on the stage and was part of the proceedings. And I kind of felt like it took a bit of a turn.

Like, very first item was a surprise item. They get up and they go, because Hugh Jackman was there. He performed. First item, a photo item. They get up and they go, because Hugh Jackman was there. He performed. First item, a photo with Hugh Jackman. He's not taking any other photos during the night. You can do whatever you want in the photo. You can have your whole table, just one of you. This is a one-time only thing.

That gets massive numbers. Second item, two tickets to see the Rolling Stones live in New York. It's like their 50th anniversary thing. Could be one of your last chances to see one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time. So bidding for those gets massive. Item number three, an air conditioner. And then he just starts giving the whole spiel. And I'm sitting there going, all this can just be chucked in the silent bit.

We don't need to hear people fighting over an air conditioner. It's interesting to see. It's a pretty tough gig to follow the Rolling Stones. Yeah, exactly. It's a drop off, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot tough gig to follow the Rolling Stones. Yeah, exactly. It's a drop-off, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of hot air. Well, combine them and you can go and watch the Rolling Stones

and set up your little air conditioner on the side of the stage so you get to watch it keeping them cool while they play. It's a tough one to follow. The air conditioner following the Rolling Stones tickets, that's like Tommy Dasol following Carl Chandler on stage. It would have been a lot better if you hadn't stumbled over that. Carl Chandler. Don't make me leave this podcast and then not tell you why I've left the podcast and

never call you back. You son of a bitch. You're going to have to move to Canberra, buddy. I thought about it. You know what? I thought, you know what? This is what heartbreak does to you, right? It does send you crazy.

Yeah. I remember thinking like, oh, how long could it, because she went, she was in the Air Force. I was thinking, how long will it take for me to catch up to her? If I could get – if I could enroll in the Air Force, catch up to her class. She's in a jet, though, you need to remember. So she's going very fast. I can't believe that. You're nearly 30 in this story.

Like, this is like someone who's 16. I know. I don't think it changes, though. When you're really stricken with... Yeah, I can't relate. The only thing I've ever done is just actually legitimately thought about killing someone. But apart from that, I cannot relate to you. That's not as bad at all. Some people are crazy before that.

Well crazy. I've just done a show for Melbourne Fringe in a pillow fort. And it's really interesting because you get a lot of interaction with the people you're in the pillow fort with. And at the end of one of the shows, I've got a bit in the show where I talk about internet dating. I've made a really silly dating profile. And this woman stayed afterwards and was like, oh, you know, I don't know why you're single.

You know, I met my beloved. I liked him and I knew where he lived. So I just followed him home. And I'm like, right. She's like, just do that, I just rocked up at his doorstep he could have turned me away but he invited me in and we've been together ever since in the house and then she just stood up and walked out of the pillow fort

and just busted it apart home wrecker yeah and stalker so she got pretty deep into your pillow for it Yeah, so you like somebody and they don't like you Just make them like you Yeah, just force them I've had that though, like when you've had crushes on people

That, you know, it doesn't look like anything's going to happen with it And you have that moment of desperation of just thinking No, no, no, come on, let's go back to the drawing board There must be a way that I can make this person like me. I'm obviously doing something wrong here. I can change this. I can change how someone feels about me. Man, that's it.

In the middle of that heartbreak, it was like I would be trying to talk to her and then she'd be like not willing to talk and that's it. And then I'd sit there and stew for six hours and then go, I've thought of the perfect reason why we should be back together. I'll just ring her and explain the reason and then I'll be all back on. Oh, boy. That took me six, eight months to figure out that wasn't going to happen. It's a hard road.

You also liked it. Was she your first real love, do you reckon? No. No. That was the thing. It wasn't like my, yeah, just wasn't that thing. First big break though. Yeah, yeah. reckon? Uh, no. No. That was the thing. It wasn't like my, yeah, just wasn't that thing. First big break, though. Yeah, yeah.

I wonder if she listens. Oh, look, in your defense, Kyle, yeah, she probably should have given you some sort of reason. Yeah. Even regardless of her age. You know what? I tell what I have heard from her since then. Here we go.

This is the contact I've had from her since that happened, right? Oh, right. MySpace top eight friend. It's MySpace. It's MySpace related. Ah, okay. So it was about 18 months later or something, I think, and I Oh, right. MySpace top eight friend. It's MySpace. It's MySpace related. Ah, okay. So it was about 18 months later or something, I think, and I got this message on MySpace saying,

so you're a comedian now. You don't seem very funny. Oh. And I just read it and went, and because it's come from like a profile that I'm not friends with or, you know, and I looked at the name. It wasn't her name. It was like a nickname or something. And friends with or, you know, and I don't, I looked at the name. It wasn't her name.

It was like a nickname or something. And I was like, who's this? And then the next day there was another message going, oh yeah, this joke's not funny. This joke's not funny. And I was like, well, who's this that's heckling me at like 5am in the morning each day, 5am. And then I put, and then I looked at the nickname and went, oh, that's similar to her name. And she would be up at 5am because she works in the Air Force. This is her getting up, having her breakfast, getting ready to go to nickname and went, oh, that's similar to her name. And she would be up at 5 a.m. because she works in the Air Force. This is her getting up, having her breakfast, getting ready to go to work and going,

oh, let's see if the X-Flame's on here. You are a dickhead. Send. All right, now I'm off to work at the radar today. Yep, nice one. So that's a lot heard from her. I enjoyed that little play you did just then. That was a great one.

My favorite part in stories like that is when people feel like they have to say the words send out loud when they're sending a message. I was actually typing on my keyboard and it wasn't loud enough. I thought it may have translated, so I thought I'd better get a send. Clickety-clack typing noise. Edit that in later, Tommy. Give me a really loud old-school typewriter. Well, how about this one then?

Speaking of contact from. Whatever you bring up, I'm going to bring it back to my ex-girlfriend, by the way. Please, I insist. Yeah. Well, maybe we'll tie in. Maybe what I'm about to talk about is her. Right. So this has happened today.

I've gotten two messages today, two text messages from unknown numbers. The first one I received this morning at 9am and it said this. Podcast topic. The Brunswick Hive is an example of some of the interesting artist collectives living and working together in inner northern suburbs like Northcote, Brunswick and Thornbury. Find it on Facebook. Flounder the Falls and other bands set to play there as well as displays by FMA Metal Productions and a gallery.

And so I think that's someone I don't know just sort of texting me. Group text. Trying to get me to, you know, plug their gallery or whatever on the podcast. So I wrote back, I don't have this number in my phone. Sorry, who is this? And then this person writes back instantly, I don't know you, but your phone number is on a poster requesting topics for podcast discussions up all over the Melbourne CBD.

I've received two of these texts today, and I'm going to be honest, my two prime suspects for who's done this are sitting right in this very room. Dave, you can go for a walk if you want. Quirk and who? This is very reminiscent of both Carl and Bart's work in the past. This is not something that I would at all put past you. I feel like I missed out on that. This is the point where I reveal the picture of myself with the signs that I've stuck up

in the city. Is this true? Is this actually? Is this actually? Did you actually do that? Yes. You are a rotten cunt. That's amazing. All right.

All right. You can't say any swears for 10 minutes. I'm about to read it out. See, you can see this picture? I'll put it up on the Facebook page. Actually, I probably should censor your phone number. It says, the poster says, I need something to talk about on a podcast. Please call or text me, Tommy.

And then a phone number. I thought, you know, we could get some new topics in on the podcast. I just don't need to get the phone calls. Well, I think that is disgusting behavior. And if you agree, give Carl Chandler a call. 0438-660-836. Have at it. And guess who edits this show? And guess who's leaving that number straight in there.

Come on, my little monsters. Let's go for it. And the pod wars began. This was marked as the beginning of the first pod war where none would survive. That is truly rotten work. That is truly, truly rotten work. What other text did you get? Why is that such a bad thing?

You've got two messages. You've got a bloody phone number up in the streets. You've got two messages. It's private. It's private. It's his special number. This has happened to you before. You've had your number put on Twitter before.

In Carl's defense, it's pretty awesome. Some nutcase found it and started. People have to change numbers because of that stuff. No. In the middle of the city. You'll be all right. Nah, I don't like that at all. Well, my vengeance.

What was the second message? What was the second message? I want to hear the other messages. It was a guy who messaged me to say, where is it? He messaged to say, hi, Tommy, what sort of topic are you looking for? And I said, who's this? And it said, just sort of poster, is someone setting you up? And I said, I reckon that's what's happened.

And then I sort of figured, and then it sort of went back and forth, and I was trying to find out more about it. And then I kind of got to the end, and I thought, well, so I wrote back and went, all right, I guess I may as well make the most out of this. Give me a topic. And then he wrote back, lol, what sort of podcast is it? And I said, it's a comedy chat show.

And then he never responded. It was too much for him. He was interested up until it became comedy. He was like, I wanted to talk about insects. You have got a topic set of that, Tommy. That's good. That has effectively worked. Yeah.

I've done good work there. Yeah. Well, I'm going to have to find a way to get back to you for this. Tommy, what you can do is- You know what? I get texts every now and then. I don't know if I've brought this up before, but someone stitched me up in this way. I get a text or a phone call at least every six months from a gym in Paran.

Yeah, asking for Sunshine Johnson. Asking for Sunshine Johnson. Yeah, you've talked about this. That's amazing. And I'm still getting them. That's so great. You know, Tommy, the answer to your vengeance lies in Canberra. Yes!

Let's get her on the podcast. Let's get her. She's angry. She's angry these days. Let's get the gravy whisperer. Even better, so am I. Out of her cage. Marianne Spears, if you're listening.

And you can let go of your rage for a moment to come to... Marianne Spears, if you're listening. And you can let go of your rage for a moment to come to... Marianne Spears. Why did I ever fall in love with a woman with a name like that? Yeah. That is a good name. I should have been giving out her phone number. That's the one I should have... Well, if I still had it.

She changed her number on me, so... Well, people who listen to this episode have your number now, so they can always call or text you and ask for it. Yeah. That's true. Well, text me her number, guys. I've got my first. And just in case there's any doubts, that number I just gave out before, that is 100%

genuine. That is the actual number. I'm changing my number. Oh, good. I've messed with you before with text messages. Yeah, you have. It's been a different kind. Yeah.

You, when you first got an iPhone, because you can send unlimited blocks of text from an iPhone, and I had like an old Nokia, so you sent me like a bloody dictionary, like a whole book. Of funny porn titles. Yeah. It was. It was just pages and pages and pages, and my phone would receive them one text at a time.

Yeah, for about two days. It broke my phone. It broke my phone. I couldn't receive any other texts. I'd sent it in the evening and saw you the next day and you were like, you fucking, and then you got a text. You're like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, I was yelling at you and getting texts from you

as I was yelling at you. It was weird. And then there was the time you set up your alias John Carver and sent me messages in the middle of the night telling me you were going to kill me from an email account that I was looking at going, who is this? Who's this man? I've still got John Carver.

And that was my first thought when I started getting these texts this morning. I actually thought Freeband, because I knew it was the CBD. I was looking up any gigs to see if you were on any gigs in the city last night. And then I looked up who was on at Spleen, and yeah, it stuck out like a sore thumb. But there was actually, and this is my mistake,

there was actually a moment where I thought, I don't think Carl would be that much of a prick to just put my number up on the street. It's a sensitive. I think it's,

hey, it's harmless. I think it might just more reflect on Carl because it might be his way of disguising the fact that he's running scared and have no topics anymore and he's like,

I'll get him sent through to Tony. I'll get him sent through to Tommy. I'll get him sent through to Tommy. That's what it is. It's work, guys. I think we've been talking about it for 10 minutes now. This is episode 270, 275. You guys have been at it for-

Don't blame your car. I really don't blame you. This is 10 years into the podcast. There's not. Can't talk about that much anymore. You started doing this just before podcasts existed. Yeah, we were just having conversations in our lounge room, not recorded before this. And then the gramophone accidentally recorded it one day.

The record got distributed to the queen. Yep. And podcasts were born. Got burnt onto wax. Yep. And that was number one. Yeah. The Ravens flew it to the different castles.

Al Jolson mimed along to it. Yep. And it got popular through that. And here we are today. Yeah. So thanks for listening. The jazz podcaster. What a sweet wrap up.

I had a thing on the weekend where my internet started going really slow and I'd never had that before. And I thought someone may have been pinching my internet or something. So I rang my provider and went, hey, here's my details. What's going on? My emails, my internet is really slow. I need to be sending quite big emails. What's going on?

And he looked it up and went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then he finally came back and went, you have used all of your internet for the month. And I've never had that before. You've used all your internet. What have you been doing digitally? Half of printing off the things for the comedy. You don't need internet to print something.

I thought my joke would have held up. It takes gigabytes, not bandwidth. Dave, I really appreciate that. I'll cut you both down. You know what? You tried to make some funny content without having to bring someone else down to do it, and I really respect and appreciate that. Or tried to make you new friends, Tommy.

There's not enough people like you in the world, David Quirk. Let me say that. I'm trying to move over to Tommy's camp. The bright side is a lot of crazy killers don't have mobiles. Yeah, that's true. So they're just not going to be able to. They won't even understand what the numbers mean. They'll think it's your birthday. And you know what? That's evidence. So if you were even understand what the numbers mean. They'll think it's your birthday.

And you know what? That's evidence. So if you were killed by them, we would be able to trace it back. So that's sort of thoughtful in a way. Yeah, I guess you're right, guys. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Anyway, tell your little bloody internet story that's so fucking riveting. So you're in Optus.

This is another story about Carl's heartbreak. Carl, if you say that it doesn't exist. Nah, come on. I'm on the edge of my seat. I want to know what you're talking about. Sorry, I just realised. Whoever texted in, this is a topic to talk about for Carl and to discuss this, I'm really annoyed at you, okay? Very annoying. It's not a very

good topic, okay? Why did you listen to them to say that you should get angry at Carl, Tommy? What? Was that the topic? Like, that you should be angry at Carl? No, I. What? Was that the topic, like that you should be angry at Carl? No, I got one topic about some bloody venue that's opening up showcasing artists from fucking Northcote. Yeah. And then I got one guy who, when I pushed him, couldn't he, like,

and let's make this clear, this other guy, he texted me. He's gone out of his way to spend money. We went back and forth seven times while I was trying to find, and then when I tried to get him to the point, he ran scared. He didn't have anything to say. This is where we're getting to the root of the matter. What you're angry about isn't what Carl's done, but it's the loneliness of this

man. No, no, no. Let's make no mistake. I'm also angry about that. But it's him leaving you in the lurch. I'm going to put up new posters and at the end I'll say, no time wasters, please. Please. Put people who've got interesting stories. Thank you. Real deal. And if it's any consolation, I'll say, no time wasters, please. Please. People who've got interesting stories. Real deal. And if it's any consolation, I'll make sure to do the same thing in the ads I'm going to put with your number for gay sex up in all the beat dunnies around Melbourne.

I think that's been done many times. Don't plaster over my own ones, please. Carl's called the Dick Supreme Lord. That's weird. You play people's dicks Dick Supreme Lord. That's weird. Anyway, you play people's dicks like flutes. Why don't we talk about those new venues in Brunswick, though? Piccolo. Yeah.

We can do our next live recording at the Hive. The Brunswick Hive. Piccolo. So, anyway. Hey, I ran into the internet, and I talked to the guy, and he said, you've run into the internet. And I was like, oh, okay. I've run into the internet. And I was like, oh, okay. I've run into the internet.

And he's like, yeah. I went, well, I don't want that to happen. And he's like, oh. And I'm like, how about that doesn't happen? And he was like, oh, okay. And then he just gave me free internet. Nice. Again, this is like you telling people on Facebook that McGregor's party was off.

You have this weird knack of ending up in situations where people at shops ask you if you don't want to pay for things. Yeah. Like the postage. Have you talked about the postage thing where someone went? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a similar thing.

Yeah. The other day I sent a dum-dum shirt out to someone in America and it was that thing, exactly the same situation where you just stand there and just wait for them to say something else. They said, oh, look, this parcel is too heavy. It's this many kilos, which means that the postage is going to be like $30 just to post it. And I was like, right, and just stood there.

And she goes, yeah, that's sort of too much, isn't it? And I was like, yep, and just stood there. And she goes, so do that's sort of too much, isn't it? And I was like, yep. And just stood there and she goes, so do you want it to be less money? And I was like, yeah. Less of money, please. And she's like, all right. And then just did it for less. Kyle Chigley is the 50 whisperer. $10 less.

Yeah, right. Wow. That's so good because have you ever been, because of my stupid skateboard at the airport, like there's times I just forget to check it in properly. Right. And I get there and I was like, oh, you've got luggage. And I'm like, yeah, that's right.

And they go, oh, but that's not counted or whatever. It changes all the time. And it's $80. I once paid $80 or $75 or something. What? The reason is. Why do you keep. I was like, could there be any sort of exemptions here?

And then I remember signing, putting my PIN number in, just going, as long as the airline's doing well. You know what the problem is? You know why this has all happened? Because of that time when Tony Hawk took over 747 and rushed it into the world trade.

He did a 1080 on the plane. Now they figure, if people are going to do that, at least they will have paid some money for it. I guess all I'm saying is, I hate you even more now. The other reason is that skateboards are a piece

of evolution. They're actually I know you think they would be requesting them. They're ancient cars. Essentially. That's what they are. Should we end the episode here?

We've just done a sweet callback. It's just like one circle of life. Is there a thing where it's like there's like a picture of a skateboard

like crawling out of a swamp and then it learns to walk upright and then that becomes a car. Yeah, it becomes a car. Is there a thing where it's like there's like a picture of a skateboard crawling out of a swamp and then it learns to walk upright and then that becomes a car. Yeah, it becomes a car. Is there any hieroglyphics of Egyptians doing a sweet ollie? Yeah. And getting mad points actually playing it on their

PlayStation. Yeah. It's like the alligator equivalent, isn't it? Because they're still around. Yeah. Because skateboards are still around. They weren't gleaming the cube. So they coexist with cars. They weren't gleaming the cube. They were gleaming the pyramid. Yeah. That's it, hey? Yeah.

That technically makes sense. Oh, boy. And that's where Horace came from, who is old Jesus, old school Jesus, Horace. Don't know much about it. Yeah, just read about it, guys. You're on the religion quirk. Jesus. Read about it.

Talking about transport and stuff, what about this? I think I've mentioned on the show before, at the start of the year, I moved house, and I now live near the 86 tram. The 86 tram is my tram line, which for people outside of Melbourne, it's kind of known in Melbourne for being a bit of a crazy tram line. Nasty. It's known as a bit of a magnet for freaks and whatever. Pooh smells.

And I get it a lot. And to be honest, I've never really had, I've never encountered that much of it. Like I've never really seen it at its worst. Yeah. Then the other day I was on there and this guy, kind of normal looking guy, gets on holding a little dog, like holding a tiny little dog in his arms, which was awesome because, you know, dogs are great. So he gets on and the driver doesn't get over the speaker and do the, don't do that.

He actually comes out from his little compartment and walks to the back up to this guy and goes, hey man, you can't have a dog on here. And the guy goes, oh, why not? And the driver just goes, because it's a dog and you just can't do that. You can't just carry a dog around on a tram. And the guy goes, oh, what's going to happen to me if I do? If I do, just stay on this tram with the dog. And the guy goes, oh, well, you might get sued.

And then the guy goes, ooh, look at me. I'm getting sued while I'm holding a little dog. And the driver just sort of shrugs, gets in his compartment, and then drives off. End of story. I was like, this is awesome. And then the guy was just like. Chandler technique. Yeah, that's what happened. No, he did something good. He was a good person in of story. I was like, this is awesome. And then the guy was just like... See, that's a Chandler technique.

Yeah, that's what happens. No, he did something good. He was a good person in the story. Was that good? Is that good for doing a dance and being sarcastic to a train driver? He was a hero for the rest of the ride because not only has he stood up to authority and kind of had this sweet kind of victory, but he's also holding an adorable little dog.

Like, even when he was kind of the bad guy in the story, people kind of gave him a pass because the dog was adorable. And small, right? But then he got off after like two stops anyway. He barely needed to be on the tram at all. Yeah. God, it was good. He was just defying authority almost for no reason.

That makes me think of something I can't remember. Anyway, keep going. I honestly had something to say. It seemed funny at the time. What? It was something about dogs. Oh, yeah, because he's breaking the rules. The only dog you're supposed to bring on are guide dogs, right?

And you need to be blind to bring them on. Do you need to be blind to bring a guide dog on? Seeing impaired. All jokes aside, probably not. You probably can be training one and bring one on. Yeah. But, oh, I've lost my train of thought. Hey, tram of thought.

Booyah. That's good. No, I'm sorry, everyone. Drivers hate it, though. I've been with my girlfriend before where she's tried to sneak her dog onto a tram, and, man, they hate it. They really, really hate it. I can't think of seeing a dog on a tram before.

And if you've gone two stops, why isn't he just walking the dog anyway? Yeah, that's what's funny about it. But it is weird seeing a dog on it, or when you see them on the train. It's weird. It's like seeing a bird in a food court. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It isn't meant to be happening at all. Get out.

It's a bit dog at the school, isn't it? When there's a dog at the school. Do you ever have that? I used to do that with my grandparents' dog. Bring it in for show and tell. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, it's great.

No, that never happened with me. I remember what happened. I just answered a lot of questions about you. Yeah, I would love that to happen. You guys are rule breakers. That's what you are. You use animals to step outside the boundaries of society, and for that you'll be punished.

What about this? Speaking of trams, we've mentioned on the show before. I think you're glossing over Bart's point. Friend of the show, Nick Mason, who's a tram driver, who's given you a shout out. Yes. I had my first experience with him the other day as a tram driver. I saw him the other day too.

On Swan Street. I was kind of like about to cross the road looking both ways. On the 70 or the 75? 70, yep. The tram's coming my way and it just starts like dinging, like incessantly like going crazy. And I'm like going, why is this happening? And then I look and I just see him there.

He's got his aviator sunnies on, looking like a real rock star. It was good. It felt like, you know, I've been waiting because I'm not over his tram line often. It was good. It felt good. It felt good to have a tram driver wave at you. They should all do that to everyone all the time.

It's a nice feeling. It's probably not as impressive as Luke McGregor's brother, but still. It's a form of transport you're responsible for. It's not a bad story. Captain Ristie McGregor. At least you remembered it. Yeah. Is that your story or did someone text that to you?

Because if that isn't yours, then, Tommy, you can go eat a dick. Oh, boy. That made me read out your phone number as well. I welcome it. All right, guys. Well, that is just about all the time we have left on the Little Dumb Dumb Club for today. David Quirk, Bart Freeband, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks, babes.

Thanks, idiots. You guys got anything coming up that you would like to plug? I'm going to Brizzy in a week after you guys. Week after you. Oh, great. Excellent. What date? I think I start gigs on the 31st or 32nd.

Sure. It'll be the 31st either, I believe. So if you're in Brizzy, check it out. Yeah. At the Sit Down Comedy Club? Yeah, Sit Down and Livewire. Oh, great. Yeah, we're doing the same run next week.

Is it livewire? It's the big place. Yeah, it's the big place. Okay, this can happen off air. It's electric. Come see us. We're going to be there from the 24th, doing gigs at the Sit Down Comedy Club,

and then Sunday, live-wide at the Powerhouse, which is free. Come along. We're co-headlining. It's going to be a lot of fun. We'd love to meet some friends of the show. Great gig. Again, we can talk about that off air.

Yep. I was going to ask if we were going to bring T-shirts. Yeah, we'll bring T-shirts. Okay, we'll bring some T-shirts. I'll have some CDs. You'll have some books. So I don't have to talk the post office out of even more charges and sending them to you?

Just come and pick them up off me. Oh, yeah. We're also, if you're listening in America, and there's been a lot of Melbourne-centric discussion this episode, so I can't see why you still would be at this point of the episode. We are going to be at Meltdown Comics, November the 23rd, in LA, 7.30pm. Tickets are now on sale through

Brown Paper Tickets. If you go to nerdmeltla.com, there's a link to where you can buy tickets. If you're in LA, by the time the show is on, I'll have new posters up in LA with Tommy's cell number. My room number. Your new number. Just come round to my room and hang out. Come round to my room at the Saharan Motor Hotel where we choose, where the Little Dumb Dumb Club chooses to stay when in LA.

Guys, please send us an email if you want to chat to us. littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com We're also on Facebook and Twitter at Dumb Dumb Club. If you have anything, if you'd like to hang out with me and you're in Melbourne, my number might still be on Swanston Street by the time you hear this. Give me a shout out, give me a call, let's hang out,

let's go to the movies. The Master's coming out, I'd like to see that. I've heard good things about... What else is good? We can work it out. If you know of any new venues in Fitzroy that Tommy should know about... I'm going to have to insist that they be promoting specifically Northcote and Thornberry-based artists.

That's one of my conditions. Guys, thank you very much for listening, and we will see you next time. See you, mates!