The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 11 - Oliver Clark

Episode Date: January 4, 2011

A Very Leunig New Years, Old Salty and Flayva Flav. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy New Year's, mates! Welcome to the first episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for 2011. My name in this year, as in all the previous ones, is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is Carl Chandler. Hey, Dickhead. Hey, mate. You know what? Let's clear this up right off the bat.

You just said my name every other year. Yeah, yeah. Because someone brought this up to me last week and I thought... Previous to... No, 2003. Yeah, your name was Tom Alsop, so... 2003 to... 2003 hyphen and then just a blank.

Tommy Daslow established... Established 2003. Yeah. Knee Alsop. Knee Alsop, your favourite joke. Since you got married to Mr Daslow. knee all sop knee all sop your favourite joke since you got married to Mr. Dasolo I was talking to someone about this the other day

if I get married how funny it would be to make my wife take Dasolo no it would be funny if you made her took all sop and then you just had a completely different name on your driver's licence but Dasolo isn't on my driver's licence you know what I mean?

If I made her take my fake name, it's just like, you know, she starts the lineage. Well, you just decided what your last name is now. Why don't you just decide what her last name is and give her just a completely different stage name? Yeah, that's not a bad idea, a marriage name. Yeah. Yeah. Should we introduce our guest?

If we have to. Well, I wasn't sure if I could interject that. As soon as I said something, you didn't look at me. This is the problem we used to have early on in the show, whatever your name is, where Carl and I decided that we should chat for like five minutes or so before we introduced the guest, and then we would just sort of talk about nothing, and the guest would just sit there going,

jeez, I've got some good stuff to say on that. And they were trying not to laugh at what we said. I'm like, this is depriving us of laughter. Let's get a minute early. I need everyone I can get. Do you know how awkward it was for me then? Sorry about that. I just put some lipstick, lip balm on.

Pop down over there. Who are you? You're probably wondering, although if you download this, you would have seen his name in the title of the episode. Please welcome our good friend of ours, musical Lothario and comedian gentleman, Oliver Clarke. Happy New Year, guys. There he is.

Thanks for getting me on. Trusty studio audience. Thanks for coming on. I did applaud with myself. Yeah, you got to. I thought I'd make it sound full. Yeah. This is filmed in front of a live studio audience who are very indifferent to everything.

They don't laugh. They don't clap. They do nothing. But they're very much involved in the show. They keep coming back. They keep coming back. They just love looking at the eye candy. The eye candy.

Well, it's a bit hard to see with the lights off today. Yeah, to give the listeners some context, we've turned the lights off. We've gone a bit... You would have noticed that already, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah, the mood is quite down. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Happy New Year to both of you fellas. Thank you.

Did you guys have a good New Year's Eve, Carl? Well, let's get to... Should I lead off? Okay. I feel like yours is going to be the most depressing, so you lead off and then we'll go from there. Okay, good. Yeah, I guess everyone I know went to different parties around town. And I actually had a few drinking nights the previous night.

So I decided on New Year's Eve to not do anything. And I sat home and my girlfriend went to a party, like a massive party. Well, like one of those ones that you pay 80 bucks for and get nothing. Oh, yeah. Except for door entry to a place that would be free 364 days a year. Is this a house party. Well, like one of those ones that you pay 80 bucks for and get nothing. Oh, yeah. Except for door entry to a place that would be free 364 days a year. Is this a house party, though? No, no, no, no, no. Like a restaurant bar thing.

That's a very entrepreneurial house party. I've seen it done. Really? Not 80 bucks, but yeah. And no drink. And no drink. She gets nothing for that 80 bucks. Well, you get the DJ.

You get a bit of relax with Max. Surely it's worth paying that to get away, you get the DJ. You get a bit of Relax With Max. Surely it's worth... Surely it's worth paying that to get away from you for the night. Oh, that's fair. Isn't Relax With Max, isn't that, that's not a DJ,

that's a band, isn't it? Yeah, it's a band. Anyway. I'm 24, what the fuck is Relax With Max? They're the sort of band that comes on at the halftime break

in the cricket, like at a one day out. And they just come out and play a bit of Macarena? And in the meantime going, hey, party people. Okay. Anyway, but they're tight. They should be shooting t-shirts out of cannons on stage. On stage.

Hey, but let's not, they're very tight as a band. Yeah. You've got to respect that. Would I know any of their song? No, they're like a really bad cover band. Oh, okay, that's the other band. Really generic. You'll probably know a small little song called Celebration.

I think they open and close with that. They'd play a bit of... Might as well jump. Surely. I respect cover band singers who do the little jump, like when they go You might as well jump Oh really

I've never seen that Really Yeah I actually do play that Acoustically I slow it down Or whatever Maybe I should add a jump in there

Yeah Slow it right down And you just jump Phrenetically in the middle Yeah If you had like a harness And you were just like This really slow motion jump

Oh that would be awesome Bouncing You might as well jump. With a guitar around me. You're in the air that whole time. So anyway, back to me. Yeah. So you were at home.

Yeah. No, so my girlfriend did all that and whatever. So I did probably the most pussy version of New Year's Eve ever. I stayed home. I counted in the New Year's with Richard Wilkins' selection of the biggest hits of 2010 on Channel 9. And then I heard the fireworks go off and I've got a balcony in my house. And I went, you know what? I can just watch this on TV.

I didn't even go out on the balcony and see the fireworks. I watched the Sydney fireworks on TV and then after that I scrolled through the channels and found Singing in the Rain

on Gem and I went, well, here we go. I might watch this until three in the morning. Only interrupted by my girlfriend

calling me from St Kilda asking me to go and pick her up from the party. So that was my years. Holy crap. You didn't even see the real-life fireworks. No.

And then you looked for a bit of Texas Colour. That's Singing in the Rain. That is so funny. Singing in the Rain like some old 60-year-old gay man watching New Year's. Yeah. That is funny to me, the idea that there's fireworks outside your window that you can hear and see if you turn your head, but you're watching it on TV and going, it's just like being there.

It's like you're living a Lunar cartoon, right? Now, that is as good a reason to neck myself as anything. Did you patch the little duck with the teapot on its head or whatever the fuck? I was surprised. There was a lot of weird-looking Carlton people outside my window looking at me and applauding, so that was probably why. Where do you live, by the way? Hawthorne.

Hawthorne. Yeah. Cool. What, straight? No, I'm not putting that out just kidding i have legions of dum-dum fans there yeah yelling at me come on call me a dickhead so did you pick you picked up your girlfriend obviously yeah so what time what time oh like three did you pick up in your house on your own? Did you get a badge at the countdown? Yeah. I drove over there like half past three in the morning.

I was like, yep, I just feel like someone's dad. And then you felt naughty when you bedded her down. No, not really. I felt tired. Yeah, fair enough. I felt annoyed that I hadn't seen the end of Singing in the Rain, to be quite honest. Who's the lead guy on that? It's Fred Astaire, yeah? No, Gene Kelly. I was, yeah. I felt annoyed that I hadn't seen The End of Singing in the Rain, to be quite honest. Who's the lead guy on that? It's Fred Astaire, yeah? No, Gene Kelly.

Gene Kelly. Yeah. That's really good. So easily mistaken. It's a really good movie. I've never seen it. Yeah, it's great. It stands up.

Like, it's what, 30s or 40s or something? Yeah. It stands up. It's one of those ones where they actually colour in the cellulose by hand. Yeah. And it features a young Donald O'Connor who is rather like a young Frank Woodley. Right, okay.

Yeah, very physical, very, very funny. Yeah. Are there any young Carl Chandlers in there? I don't think they let any of those on celluloid at that stage in the century. But it's funny you say that. Is there a young Tommy Daslow tweeting about the rain? If there could possibly be a younger version of you, there might be. Just an infant.

Yeah, an infant. I could see him in the corner of the screen writing something down about what food he was eating at the time. That's me. Yeah. I watched a bit of Clambake the other day, an Elvis film. What? Clambake? Yeah, it was all right.

It was about 67 it was made. He had some good titles for his movies. Clambo was the best. Funny enough, Capucco's my favourite. Roustabout. Roustabout. These all sound like pornos. GI Blues. It happened at the World's Fair. Yeah, haven't it?

Viva Lost Penis. Actually, that may not have happened. I feel like we should have counted down to that joke. But he made like 26 films in eight years, and you've got to have a bit of respect for that. That's a working man right there. Yeah.

Anyway. But I knew you were going to have a pretty bad New Year's. Oh, thanks. No, only because you wanted to come along to make it. I did, I did, yeah. Which was pretty bad. Yeah, you know, it's looking grim when people are looking to come see you. Well, yeah, I had a couple of people.

You said you're your audience. What are you doing? What's happening in your life? What's wrong with you? No, no, no, because the audience is not your age group. That's why. So I was out at the RACV club in Healesville just doing the New Year's Eve gig from like 8 till 1. That's where Richard Wilkins was counting it.

It's the people who don't know you, Oliver, you're a stand-up comedian, but you also, would you say you moonlight as a singer or would you say you're a singer that moonlights as a comedian? It's a tough one. I think I'm just an all-round entertainer. I think you just put me in that category, but yeah, I'll separate them. So you do gigs, you sing with a big, how big's the backing band? You like the Tony Dodder.

I don't even know how big's my grin. The Tony Dodder made of showbiz. How big's the backing band? Oh, it's about the same size as a CD, I guess. Oh, right. Pretty much just backing tracks, yeah. No, no, no, at here I use my acoustic. So at the RACB I just play acoustic.

Right, okay. Other tunes. But I had a, they wanted a, so I had a drummer with me. And actually, it was really good because to do that, I literally sang for about four hours. It's a big gig, and your voice is kind of... Celebration? Get a part?

No, I didn't do celebration. I think I rung in the New Year, because I counted it down for all these artists. Oh, right. Now, this is the picture. It's a big kind of complex, like $70 million complex. It's pretty good, right? It's a country club, but I kind of think of Caddyshack when I play there.

Now, ordinarily, I'm playing to a deserted lounge. I'm not playing to anyone. They can hear me in the dining area, but essentially no one in front of me. But for New Year's, it was actually okay. They created a dance floor. But the age group is like 50 to 80, 90, you know, so it's pretty old. But they're all dancing. They packed the dance floor. So I counted it down as I was playing a bit of Brown Eyed Girl. Oh, really? I've never played that before.

Did you know how to play it? I know the chords. I'm so bad with remembering lyrics, I've just got to have them written out. Oh, right. But the good thing is when you're playing by yourself, you can just do whatever order, like chorus, verse, chorus. Oh, really? I don't know what comes next.'s play another chorus you know um but they

were digging it uh but they were telling me to stop after a while like they were you know they were dancing so much they're getting so tired that i was like okay just stop i was like oh okay one more and then we'll stop take a break all right not so so that was mine but you wouldn't want to be there that's uh oh? It would have been depressing. Yeah. But I did get some kisses. I was going to say, did you get into a bit of the flirting? Because you love that sort of stuff, don't you? I love flirting with the oldies. You once told me that you're a big fan of befriending girlfriends' mothers.

It's true. And is this correct? You're still in touch with some of your ex-girlfriends' parents? Yeah, I am. Actually, this Christmas I didn't contact. It crossed my mind. Just once a year. But I love it.

It's one of the first things. If you've got a girlfriend. So you've got a new lady in your life, Tommy, which is great. How have you gone with the mother-sucker? I only met her for the first time on Christmas Day. That's all it takes. But what a perfect day. Yeah, went in there with a bottle of wine.

Bottle of wine. Easy points. Very nice. Did you comment on her clothing and how well she looked? No, see, I didn't. See, I can't be that guy. I reckon you'd be terrible with that. Exactly.

You'd be correct. I would not. Yeah. I mean, you've got a naturally smooth way about you. There's nothing more fun than going into a situation like that with your girlfriend and your mother and then you just grab them both and go, ah, my two girls. See, that sounds, there's such a distinct person that can pull that off You're one of the only people that I think I know at all

Like, imagine Chandler doing that Here are my two dickheads I could do it You reckon? Yeah But surely that's a familiarity thing too Like, you need to know the mum a little That's a weird first impression to make

I know, but sometimes You can see it in their eyes Like, what they're going to be like, I think. Yeah. But even if they don't show that, it's then a challenge. Because I charm the dad as well, but that's always a challenge. I know with the dad, the first thing I'll do is try and have a drink with him straight away. Okay.

Just to show him that you're a full-blown alcoholic. This is good stuff. Yeah. You've brought in like two good pointers in the last minute, I reckon. Well, look, I mean, I think it depends on situation by situation, but that's a rule. You just, you know, spend time with them. Yeah. Yeah.

Even get their number straight away. Get their number? Get the dad's number. Really? Yeah. Why? Yeah, why? You're never going to call him.

But it's just kind of, you know, oh, you know, just to- Just to mark a respect. What business is he in, let's say? Maybe you're interested in his business. You go, oh, well, I might need that in the future. What's your number? Oh, okay. Yeah.

So does that – so what's that – I mean, what's the thinking behind that to show him that you're not just going to abandon his little girl in the middle of the night and so, you know, presumably he's getting your number as well so he can track you down. Is it a trust thing? I think it's a bit of a trust thing. I think it's also about the fact that you're stealing the girl but make it feel like he's also now gaining a bit of... He's getting a few dollars in his pocket.

You're losing a daughter but you're gaining a client. He's basically selling his daughter to you is what he's saying. Well, if you want to look at it that way. There's any other way to look at it. Look, I've never gotten a number. No, I've never done another thing. Why would you lie to us? Oh, I thought it would be funny.

That's a good move, though. Yeah, I reckon it could work, getting a number. It could work. But no, I've always gotten along with the dads. I remember one of them was just hard work, but got him in the end. You just keep firing jokes at him. You know? Yeah.

I think that's what it's about. You just don't take it too seriously. I'm just awkward in things like that where it's like you kind of, you sort of know that you're being judged in a way. Oh, yeah. It's tough. I was thinking that would be funny if I turned up and just started calling her mum straight off the bat.

And then to the stepdad, if I was like, you're not my real dad. You're not my girlfriend's real dad. What's, because I think a nickname for the mum could be, like that's a good flirty thing. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah. So maybe give her a nickname. Yeah, yeah, okay.

I think they should be into that. Yeah. Well, my mum's Susie Q. Her name's Susan. Yeah. My dad's old Salty. Ah, what? Your dad?

Yeah, you know that. I don't know that at all. Why would, what? Your dad? Yeah, you know that. I don't know that at all. Why would I know that? No, I don't know that. Oh, yeah, no, my dad's nickname is Old Salty. Old Salty Clark. Yeah, we call him Old Salty. What is he, a sea captain?

Yeah, it sounds like it, doesn't it? But he loves the boats. But no, it started because he's got pure white hair, but he's black beard. It's like complete salt and pepper, right? Weird. Sounds like Captain Haddock from Tintin. Old Salty, he's actually, he's a really nice guy because my parents separated pretty early as well. And, oh, poor Salty.

His girlfriend just cheated on him. Oh. Yeah, not good. And I tell you what, so Salty's about 63. Every time you say Salty, I immediately forget you're talking about your dad. And I have to keep coming back into that bit. So Salty's my dad. And so he's over in a group of islands called Kiribati.

It's in between Hawaii and New Zealand. It's on the equator. What? He's doing some volunteer work, right? So what he's doing is he's teaching the locals. It sounds made up. He's teaching the locals how to fit out boats. So he's actually part of the boat making process.

And it's an Australian dude who runs this business and then he sells the boats back to Australia after they've been done up. So he's giving the locals skills, right? A trade, you know? So that's what he's doing over there but he's been over there since March I think and his girlfriend Is she a native? No, no.

She's in Brisbane because that's where my dad lives normally. He wanted to get her over there. All hands on deck? It wasn't until he goes, I'm over there, right? All hands on deck? It wasn't until he goes, I'm going to buy you... All hands on... Yeah. And it wasn't until he was going to buy a ticket for her, and she goes, oh, well, I

must come clean. I've been seeing another guy for about three months. Oh. At 63, being cheated on. I don't know how you'd feel, but I said salty. So come on, tell me this. Do you actually refer to him as salty when you're talking to him? I do, and I find it so funny.

I love introducing him to my friends as salty. How long have you called him salty for? It's probably been three, maybe four years. Oh, okay. So it was dad before that? It was, yeah, dad, yeah. It was another progressive word in between. He went from dad to dad-a-salt to now salty.

Salty. Papa salt. Papa salt. But I said to him, have you got any action locally around there? He goes, okay. He had a bit of fun. He goes, well, you know, it just has a big grin on it because I was Skyping him.

He had a big grin on his face and went, good on you, so get amongst it, you know. He's got the, well, he's got the Clark jeans.

How can he deny that? He's actually a good looking man. He looks a lot like Sean Connery. Oh, right. Yeah. He's got that look about him. Right.

That's a weird comment because I, you know, my parents are together. I find that, I can't imagine ever being in a position where I'm having a chat with my dad going,

you boning anyone? Because I told my sister that. I said, I was explaining that and she goes, oh, no, shut up. I just don't want to hear it. I was like, fair enough

because I don't think I'd want to hear about my mum. Susie Q. What do you think about this? With mates, like say your mate's got a good looking girlfriend. There's two schools of

thought to say you sort of avoid talking about the girlfriend like if she's any good you wouldn't sort of say to him geez your girlfriend's hot i'd love to bone her you obviously wouldn't say that but then you know there are some people that think no you should say you should say hey your girlfriend's hot yeah i think it's how you say so you don don't go Your girlfriend is Oh Yeah You just gotta go Man she is good looking You've done well Yeah because I was I was with friends the other night

And a friend came in Introduced his girlfriend And my mate said Oh next time I see him I'm gonna have to say Well done You're having sex With a really hot chick

Your girlfriend And I'm like Oh okay Yeah that's weird I reckon you can do it Like early on When they When they start seeing each other.

You go, yeah, good work, man. She's really hot. Well done. But if you keep seeing it every time. But if you keep bringing it up, yeah, if you keep talking about it, it becomes weird. Yeah, it does. I've found myself in this position where I was at a party with a friend

and we didn't know anyone there and he met this girl and I met her too and he goes, oh, how hot was that chick dressed as the cheerleader? And I was like, eh. He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, I just didn't think she was that great. And then he kind of pursued her and hooked up with her and then went out with her for like three years or something. And it was kind of this weird unspoken thing where we both knew it

for the whole time. We both knew for the whole time that I didn't think that she was hot. You know what? But then they broke up and then I was like, oh, I'm sorry, man. He goes, ah, well, you didn't think she was hot anyway. And I was like, oh, it's all come out. My friend from Ballarat that had the pea pie that I talked about a couple of episodes ago. What?

What? The guy that I lived with in Ballarat that went a bit stir crazy, that wouldn't go and take his, get his culture. Oh, that made the- Pea pie. Frozen peas with the cheese wrapped around it a bit stir-crazy, that wouldn't go and take his... Oh, the... Pea pie. Frozen peas with the cheese wrapped around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to work at the $2 shop, so he really kicked on from his bad experiences being stir-crazy.

So he used to work there, and one time I went down there and he went, hey, check out this girl. I reckon she's all right. Have a look at this chick. And he was working with this girl, and he said, there you go. What do you think of her? And I said, oh, two out of ten. Anyway, then he started going out with her,

and every now and then he'd just go to me, Tusi, two out of ten. And I'd be like, yep. It's tough, isn't it? I think you've got to own it, though. You've just got to go, well, that's my preference. You should be lucky that I'm not attracted to her. It doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter because if you say something,

then what does it matter? Who cares? I knew this whole thing was going to go on to girls. I don't know why, but I knew we were going to end up talking a lot about women. As well we should. I agree. We end up talking a lot about women. As well we should. I agree.

Such as, well, there's been that ongoing, say, there's a lady that, well, I found attractive. Oh, are we talking about this? This is a night where at Spleen one night. Yeah. Comedy at Spleen, everyone. Monday nights. The best open mic comedy show in town. Be there or Be Square.

Yeah. Now, all of us regularly perform there. And this was one night after the show. I think you and I, Oliver, were sitting around having a few drinks, maybe with some other people. And there was a very attractive girl that had been watching the show, came and sort of started talking to us. Yeah.

Drinking with us. And when I was on stage, she actually got up to go to the loo. And so I first met her when she was... Ah, she was walking out on you. Yeah, she was walking out on me. Yep. Yeah. Drinking with us. And when I was on stage, she actually got up to go to the loo, and so I first met her when she was – Ah, she was walking out on you. Yeah, she was walking out on me. Yep. Yeah. And, yeah, and she was a – she's a very attractive American lady.

Yeah. Long brown – long black hair. Black hair, yeah. Long black hair. Generously – Proportioned. Proportioned. Oh, that was tactful.

Wasn't it? That's the way I talk every day. Big ass titties. I just hadn't said anything for a while. I needed to contribute something. You've seen her though? Is that right? You know, I don't know that I have.

I don't know that I've seen her. So she came and started talking to us. Very attractive girl and very much wanted to talk to us and whatever. She was chatty. Yeah, very chatty. Very fun to talk to. Yeah. And you had a good conversation with her?

I had a great conversation with her and I did try to hit on her. Let's get that out of the way. There's no point in it. I go for what I want. I thought, you know, let's have a crack and see what happens. We don't need to ask for a date for Olly Clark. Not like Luke McGregor. And so I went in for the kiss and got completely knocked back.

How did she knock you back? Like you physically moved in with mouth open. Is that what happened? No, lips. I pout lips. Yeah? Yeah, I don't do the mouth open straight away. Right.

Pout the lips, get them moist, and then... It's very funny because you're holding your chapstick in your hand and you're saying this. It looks like you're preparing to give Carl the demo. It's like this microphone. I don't understand, Ollie. You're going to have to. Anyway, so I went in and you go for lips but then just the head turns.

Oh, right. Oh, the cheek. And then I laughed. I just laughed which was probably my coping mechanism for a rejection. But I wasn't that attached to it, I guess, which was fine. And then we went downstairs and had some shots and got married. And I actually didn't feel too uncomfortable, but I could tell she did a little bit.

Oh, really? But then at the end I said, should I just give you my number? And she goes, yeah. So that's saying that I wasn't quite rejected, but I was. Yeah. Essentially. Anyway, so she's been back to playing.

Listeners are probably listening to this thinking, so what? Where do we go from here? You tried to kiss a girl. Yeah. And you got rejected. Got rejected. Well, what's the next chapter? Well, where should we go?

Okay. So she has come along a couple of times. She's becoming a bit of a regular. Yeah. And she's quite an attention grabber. She's quite stunning looking. Oh, yeah, yeah. When I say stunning, as in she's very attention grabbing visually.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So she'll come in and stand by the bar and a lot of guys will gravitate towards her. That's true. So we were talking about this one night and she was there and I said to a friend of the show, Tommy Little, if I can say that. I guess I can say that. Why can't you not?

Why would you not be able to say that? Well, I have. I said, you know, there's that girl that we've been talking about. What do you think? And he said, that's a dude. And I looked and went, and you know what? Once someone puts that into your mind about anyone, I reckon they start to look a bit mannish.

Yeah. It doesn't matter who it is. You can look at Pamela Anderson and go, oh, yeah, that is a hint of an Adam Zappel, actually. Yeah. You almost, in your eyes, you see it just go off the neck. Yeah. And you can start to read stuff that maybe isn't there.

You can. I haven't seen her since I've heard that comment. So next time I see her, if she turns up, I'd be keen to see. He was so vehement about it. It's all lies. Well, he claims that he saw a bit of bull. He did.

You know what? Look, I'll claim the opposite. That's it. You didn't see a bull. You didn't see a bull. I didn't see a bull because that skirt was very – like she wears a short skirt when she was sitting down anyway. Do you think that you're perhaps – I mean there's sort of a conflict of interest here like you're –

you know, this is a defense mechanism because you – if it turns out she's definitely a man, then you've tried to kiss a man. Do you think there's something subconsciously kind of keeping you from and i said this while we're arguing as well look even if it is a dude it's still good he or she is still good looking like there's no doubting that good looking man i think i said at the time when we were talking about this it's like uh if anyone's seen the film clip to uh uh uh like the foo fighters film clip where it's the evil dead ripoff everlong everlong very famous foo fighters on the everlong it's an evil dead ripoff remake film clip and in it taylor hawkins the drummer is dressed as a woman yes another one you're doing yeah do you

yeah and we would always me and my friends would always watch that and just look at each other and go he is a good lookinglooking woman. He is. He is because he's got kind of a, but he's got kind of a feminine face. Yeah. And he's got the lipstick and the long blonde wig on him. You're like, yeah, okay. Oh, my God. I thought that same thing, but in private.

And just the self-loathing is just washed off me. Wow. The burden has been lifted. No, no, no. I've wanked off to him. You too. Oh, boy. Yeah. Hey, can we no. I've wanked off to him. You too. Oh, boy. Yeah, hey, can we, if we get back to news quickly.

Yeah. If we're done talking about women with balls. She-males. Unless we've got a bit more in the tank there. Happy new she-male. Yay. I had a fantastic time in New Year's. Oh, yeah.

I performed at the Falls Festival in Lorne in Tasmania, which was a lot of fun. But, yeah, we went down to the airport to fly to Tasmania on the 31st, and Public Enemy were on our flight. Everything that they did was so funny to me. I walked up to them where they were, and first of all, Flavor Flav's there just hanging out, and he's got the clock on just 24-7, which is amazing to me. But I walked in on them after the departure lounge at the point where they were all debating

what smoothie they were going to get from Boost Juice. So they had this guy from their entourage who would go over and look at what was on the menu and then come back and report to them about what their options were. And at the point I walked up, Chuck D was going, I want the one with the mangoes, man. I just went, that is fucking hilarious. Here is something I would add to my bucket list right now. I would love to be on a long-distance flight between LA and Australia

and see the point where Flavor Flav has to wind his clock back. That's what we were saying. That is exactly what we were saying. I was gutted that it wasn't a flight to Perth just to see if he'd have to do that because they're performing in Perth and there was a good chance that, in fact, someone I know was on the flight with them, so I'll have to ask. Did you actually see the time? Was it actually moving?

No, I didn't get a look at it. But when your plane starts to descend, they make you turn off your iPod and your iPad and whatever else, any electronic stuff you're using and as they're going down as the plate's going down flav's just there on his ipad just playing some game with the volume up really loud just like hammering it away and i was like yeah fuck the power that was awesome um i know someone in a band that had that supported him once and uh he was trying to be all like i hung, I hung out with Flav and, you know, I'm really good mates with him now. And we were like, okay, dickhead, well, what's the fucking clock all about? And he was like, yeah, man, you know what it's about?

Like taking it seriously. It's like, you know what he's doing? He's timing people. Like, okay, that's one answer. Second question, what does that mean? Like he's timing people. What the fuck does that mean? But he didn't know. Like question, what does that mean? Like, he's timing people. What the fuck does that mean? But he didn't know.

Like, that's what he told him. Right, and he didn't have a follow-up. No, he just, like, Flavio just said, I'm timing dudes. And he's like, yeah, good one, Flav. But then here's something you'll enjoy, Carl. So on the way back, we were at Tassie Airport, and here's – they're too funny because the flight was delayed and we were there really early because we thought the traffic would be really bad getting out and then it was fine so we were

just there with three hours to kill before our flight home and i'm so all our group is kind of sitting down one end of the airport and i've just sort of gone for a wander on my own and i'm pretty hungover and it's like 11 in the morning and i found this um this little you know sometimes i've got like a little bar thing in the middle of the airport. I'm a big fan of doing dumb little visual jokes. So I kind of thought this place that I was in line at, they sold party pies and alcohol. And I thought it's 11 a.m. on New Year's Day and we're all fucked up. How funny is it going to be if I walk back to the group with a beer in one hand

and a plate of party pies in the other? This is going to be sweet. So I line up for 15 minutes and I'm just there going, everyone's going to laugh so much at how good I am So I line up for 15, the line's huge, I line up for 15 minutes and I'm just there going, everyone's going to laugh so much at how good I am when I rock up. This is going to be amazing. I get in line, I get my beer bond, it's like 11am, I get my plate of party pies, I go to walk off and then the woman's like, by the way, you can't take that beer beyond this wooden floor in here, so you're just going to have to drink it here. And I'm like trying to look over and see,

because they're on the other end of this wall. So I had to sit there on my own in the airport just eating pies and sculling a beer, just listening to my iPod on my own with my feet up on the other chair. And then I went over and everyone's like, where the hell have you been? I'm like, I got a beer and some party pies. And they're like, why'd you do that? And I'm like, I was trying to be funny.

Smell my breath, you'll piss yourself. Check this out. Are you guys doing resolutions? No, I don't do them. I don't do them. No, I don't think so. I kind of feel like it's fun to pretend for the first month that you're going to become a better person.

The first one I did do actually, and I've had this for two years now, was it came, so it must have been what, and I've had this for two years now, was it came, so it must have been, what, 2008 I made this. I just went, I'm not looking at any horoscopes ever again. Okay. And haven't. It's great. That's a pretty easy thing to do, though, isn't it? Yeah. Are you into it? China's everywhere. Are you into it?

Nah, not at all. Why were you doing it in the first place? Because, you know... It's like me saying I'm not going to make out with Dassler anymore. That's hard not to do. Well, that gives me an idea. But it's like Dasslo. He's right in front of you. It's like the microscopes.

They're always there. Just make out with him. There's people always reading it going, what's your star sign? And they want to read it to you. And I'm just like, no, I don't want to hear it. And then they start reading it. I know my girlfriend talks about it. And I can't think.

I have to stop her and go, oh. It's like, yeah. It's pretty offensive even to hear about. I know my girlfriend talks about it and I can't think, I have to stop her and go, oh, it's like yeah, it's pretty offensive even to hear about. I agree, I just like the mystery of life. It would be an awkward thing if you're with someone who's really into it and they go, I'll read your star sign out and then in the star sign it was like

you're going to have trouble in your relationship. If it was something like that and then you'd have a big fight over it and be like, well, I don't believe in this anyway. My girlfriend talks about fire signs and earth signs and whatever. Do you know what that means? What is she, fucking one of the planeteers? Yeah. If you're like an Aries, you're like a fire sign or whatever.

So it's signs within the star signs? Yeah. What? My girlfriend and her friends talk about that. So say a friend of hers will meet someone and then they'll go, oh, so what is he? Oh, he's an earth sign. Oh, but you're a fire sign though. Fuck that.

How's that going to work? Yeah. How weird. But I will say this. I seem to be attracted to Leos. Like, I don't know what it is. Are we talking about star signs or Men with cool names Or a woman

I've got a lot of friends That are Leos And even old Salty is a Leo So I don't know what that means Why don't they just get rid of the star signs And just say January Just use the month

You're not an Aries. I'm a March. What are you? A March? Okay. When did your parents fuck? That's an autumn sign. When did your parents get it on? Yeah.

Yeah. That's where it should be from. When do you come out? Hey? When do you get your cake? Look at that. When do you get your cake? Cake-o.

The girls meet up. So, oh, I've met a man. And when does he get his cake? Cake-o. The girls meet up. So, oh, I've met a man. And when does he get his cake? July. Oh, no. But you get your cake in December. You guys can't get married. No, but that would be a good one because the cakes are more spread out.

You're getting one cake halfway through the year and then another cake at the end of the year. You've worked out your science already. I have. This makes more sense. I'm going to fucking take Jonathan Caner down. Cake-ology. Fuck that guy. He's had it too good for too long.

Yeah. Cakeology. Well, this has been a lot of fun. Oh, you think we should wrap it up, do you? Oh, okay. First time the guest has wrapped it up. Well, this was last week. Oh, you have to.

McGregor hung shit at the start of the show, and now Ollie's kind of hanging on. I'm not hanging shit. No, that's it. I'm doing it. Oh, really? Let's close out with this. Yep.

Oh, yeah? Okay, let's close out with this. Yep. Oh, yeah. Isabel, my baby, Isabel. I hold you and I can tell you don't really love me, Isabel. You say to me that you love me, but what you do tells me you don't. I'm trying hard just to keep my world together But you keep pulling it apart Oh, Isabel Isabel

Sweet Isabel Isabel Etc. All of a clock. All of a clock. Isabel. I am moist. Yeah.

I was going to drag that out for a long, long time. Yeah. Yeah. I certainly had that part. That's why I would have just cut it. Guys, I think that does bring us to the end of the program for another week. What a lovely ending. What a lovely ending.

Thank you so much, Oliver Clark, for being our guest this week. Oliver Clark. I hope you enjoyed yourself. Yeah, good start to the week. I love it. Hasn't it? Oh, my God. This fucking.

Daslow's mixing. Enjoyed yourself? Yeah, good start of the week. I loved it. Hasn't it? Oh, my God. This fucking... Oh. That's loads mixing. There we go. Having some troubles with the sound equipment there. Thanks for listening, everyone. Happy New Year to you all. Thanks, Oliver Clark. Toodle-pip.

Thanks, Carl Chandler. Thanks, mate. See you all again next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you all again next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.