The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 111 - Wil Anderson

Episode Date: November 5, 2012

Slow Elevators, Bedroom Bills and Stolen Cars. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, if you are in the Los Angeles area, we are doing a live Little Dumb Dumb Club at Meltdown Comics. Friday, November the 23rd. Head to nerdmeltla.com for tickets and more information and we'll see you there. See ya mates. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

Now, when people listen to this episode, I will be in America by now, living it up, having an absolute bloody time of it. And starting off in New York, we are both starting off in New York. I had my accommodation fall through the other day. So I was looking up hotels and stuff on the internet through Expedia, you know, that website. Did it literally fall through thanks to the floods and all that stuff? Boing, boing, boing, boing. He's done it.

He's done it. See you, mates. Tune in next week. No, so I was looking up Expedia, you know, that website where people can, like, rate and review hotels that they've been in and all that sort of stuff. They offer deals. And I found, you know, and it's good because you have to put in the pros and cons of what you thought of each place.

So, you know, sometimes a place cannot have very high ratings, but you can get on and people go, oh, I didn't like it because the bathroom was small. And you go, well, that doesn't matter to me, so I'll just go there. Yep. So I was looking through this place. It looked all right. bathroom was small and you go, well, that doesn't matter to me, so I'll just go there. Yep.

So I was looking through this place. It looked all right. One guy has put on a one-star review and gone, cons, the lift was really slow. Now, I reckon that's a misuse of the pro and con system. Yeah. Realistically. Like, that's not what it's set up for. Yeah, fair enough.

So that was a place that fell through on you? No, no. This is the place that I'm looking up now that my other place has fallen through. Yep. The end. Right. Okay. That's good. What else can we talk about?

To sum up that story, I looked on a website and saw some text. Right. Well, at the start, before we pressed start on this recording, I did say, have you got anything? And you said yes. No. Followed up by. Do I take you to court now?

Followed up by. It's not much, but we'll see. I would even argue with that. I don't know if we're learning more about my story setting up skills or your coming off the back of a story skills. You've got to give me something, though. You've got to give me something. Just a spark.

From the bloke who last week the story was, I went over my internet usage so I called up the guy. Yes. That was a whole story. That was good. Was it? It was better than that. I'll, please, we'll set up the new Roe vs Wade and it'll be internet vs Lyft.

And we'll see how we go. Sure. You know what? Everyone's got my phone number now. Just ring in. Vote in on my number. I've been getting everyone else ringing me. You know what?

The latest one today is a couple of weeks ago. You gave out my phone number, which is good of you. After you, jeez, you're choosing to see things in a really particular way so far this week. Yes. I gave out your number after you gave out my number. I put out your number on the street and you got a couple of things back. I've got nothing but things back. People are ringing me.

I'm getting messages in the middle of the night. Today I've been signed up for information about fencing. Someone insistently rang me today going, you wanted to know all about the fencing. Like as in getting a fence built or like the sport? No, no, no. One built. Okay.

So someone rang me up and said, no, this is your number. And I'm like, you know, when do you want to book in to come and see me about the fence? And I'm like, I don't want to at all. And they go, your name is Carl, right? I'm like, yeah. She's like, okay, well let's make this appointment. I'm like, no, no, no. First things first, your fence is a fucking disgrace, so you should be thanking me. Oh, was that you that made the call?

Second of all, how is that, how can you definitively prove that that's because of me giving your number out? Why else would they have my number and my name? You piss off a lot of people pretty regularly. It's not completely out of the realm of possibility. But I'm not stupid enough to give my number out to everyone. Yeah, but I mean, someone else could have passed your number on to the fencing people.

I reckon this would hold up in quarters. That's where it's from, I think. You've got a very weird... That's not weird! Of course that's where it's from! What think. He's got a very weird... That's not weird! Of course that's where it's from! What are you talking about? All right, fine. And I've...

You know what? I got a message from someone from Germany the other day as well. A friend of the show in Germany. Yep, that's good. That's pretty good. What we did find out with doing this is that it's a really good way of finding out when people listen to the show

and kind of how many people... You know what you are? You're like a little Nielsen box or like an Oztan box of this show. Yes. how many people, you know what you are, you're like a little Nielsen box or like an Austan box of this show. Yes. That's good. You know what? It's like each text equals like a hundred listeners or something.

Yeah. And I've learned that everyone who didn't ring or call me, I really respect you as listeners. You're the good ones. The ones that rang me in the middle of the night to just deep breathe down the phone, you're the ones that, yeah, although I can pick you as team also. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good.

Today on the show, ladies and gentlemen, look, it is very rare in this life that you get second chances. But here we are, our guest in the studio today. You will know him from Gruen Planet. You will not know him from his last appearance on this show that never made it up onto the internet. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for the first time, Will Anderson.

Oh, it's good, mate. LA Dickheads. Yeah. Now, can I firstly say this? Please. It's been lovely to come in to essentially be like the moderator in your couples therapy for the last four minutes while you two just yelled at each other about whose story was the most shit.

And the whole time I was thinking, well, I'm glad we lost that last episode where we said really interesting That's why you two just yelled at each other about whose story was the most shit. And the whole time I was thinking, well, I'm glad we lost that last episode where we said really interesting things. But I'm glad we're rolling record on the my accommodation fell through. So I might have to stay in a place that has a slow lift. Have we nailed that? Have we got that one? Thank God. Let's tweet that one out. I saw footage of this rugby league player called Jonathan Thurston,

and he plays for Australia, and he's quite a big-time rugby league player, and he's on an end-of-season trip in New York. Now, this already has ten times more juice in it than my story from before, so you can just call it quits here if you want it, realistically. Yeah, so he's gone to New York for his end-of-season trip, right? And, of course, they always want a local angle on anything. Like, remember when 9-11 happened and the whole thing was that Thorpey was right near when 9-11 happened?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that would have made it more of a tragedy. Like, it was pretty bad. But for Australians, you've got to admit, if they also killed Thorpey, it would be heaps worse, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was one of those things where they've obviously gone local angle on this storm. Jonathan Thurston, this late champion rugby league player, is over there in the middle of the flood, right?

Which I've recreated on the desk right there by knocking over my water. That's okay. It's just creeping into my laptop that had really boring stories in there. So it's probably done the show good. Well, now we've got a good story for next week about Carl going to get the laptop fixed. Thank the Lord. A laptop fixer will probably ring me any second now anyway, just because my number's out there. This is going really well, guys.

No one touch any buttons. This is going really well. And I enjoyed that, by the way, about that story, because I listened to the podcast last week, and you were like, well, I'm going to change my number. And clearly during the week, you've gone, ah, I can't be bothered. No, yeah, completely. I will just ride this out. Yes, exactly. And I'm going to change my number. And clearly during the week, you've gone, ah, I can't be bothered. No, yeah, completely. I will just ride this out. Yes, exactly.

And I'm willing to do that. Yeah, yeah. So they've gone to Jonathan Thurston on the news for this local angle. And he's like, oh, I haven't really gone outside, but I'll tell you what, people around here are shitting bricks. And I was like, Jonathan Thurston on the ground. Yeah, yeah. Shit and bricks.

Yeah, introducing new terms to the lexicon in New York, shit and bricks. Yeah. I like that at the moment where they've got the morning shows on and they're reporting on the hurricanes and they'll cross to press conferences. But because they're crossing to something live that's happening, they sort of don't know how it's going to pan out. So you'll see that great thing.

They'll go, anyway, the mayor of New York's making a speech. Let's go and listen right now. And then you cut to it and it's like three minutes and you can sort of, you're watching it going, geez, I reckon we've come in on sort of the worst end of this. And just that point where they, they reached a breaking point where they go, all right, I reckon that'll just come off mid-term. I reckon this is peaked.

We're not getting any more out of this. I was watching the news one night and it was the running of the bulls in Barcelona. So, of course, again, that's always one of those things where you can't report from the running of the bulls without the reporter being there on the ground, people running behind. Yeah, showing the running and the bulls. Yeah, you couldn't repeat the one from last year. You'd have to send someone over there. Someone would recognise the old bull.

Hang on, that's an old bull. That's last year's bull fashion. Jeez, that bull's covered in Avatar merchandise. I'm just updated. Jesus Christ. So there's always, in that situation, some drunk Australian who's been running with the bulls and then gets behind, you know, and does the whole sort of,

hey! For sure, yeah. It was my brother. I was watching the news. It was my actual brother. And so suddenly my phone starts ringing off the hook. It's like all the members of my family are like, did you see Ross on the news?

Did you see Ross at the running of the floors? Mine too. People were ringing me. Did you see Will's brother? We got your number from the podcast. Just thought we'd let you know. But this was the thing. This was about 10 years ago.

And I was like, I'm on TV every fucking week. You never call to tell me about that. Never say, hey, you were good on the glasshouse the other night. I was like, I'm on TV every fucking week. You never call to tell me about that. Never say, hey, you were good on the glass house the other night. My brother's drunk at the running of the fucking bulls. How old was he doing that? Well, he's a couple of years younger than me. So he would have been early twenties.

He did that. That's cool. He did the big European vacation. I remember the first time I went to Edinburgh in 99, I stayed at his sort of flat in Earl's Court, like proper. And it was like seven of them in like an apartment that maybe had like four beds or like, you know, something. And I slept on their couch and it was just, yeah, it was that sort of thing. I had, you know what, because I lived in, I don't know if you are allowed to call it

living in London if you're only there for three months, but it was just staying, I guess. That's a holiday. I think that's a holiday. Yeah, it's a holiday, I guess, isn't it? Is that three months? Oh no, you can live there for three months. Three months is all right. I guess, isn't it? That's a holiday. I think that's a holiday. Yeah, it's a holiday, I guess, isn't it? Is that three months? Oh, no, you can live there for three months. Three months is all right. I guess, well, the intention was to go there and live there.

I just got sick of paying, you know, $20 for a sandwich, and so I came home. Yeah. But, yeah. That sounds like the exact reason you would leave anyway. But I like that that's exclusively the reason. It's not because everything's expensive. It's purely sandwiches. You know what? I can handle being robbed on the trains. I can handle paying way too much for movies's exclusively the reason. It's not because everything's expensive. It's purely sandwiches. You know what?

I can handle being robbed on the trains. I can handle paying way too much for movies, but the sandwiches, that's a basic human right. That's the overseas litmus test. So I, but you know, I don't know if you've done that where you've travelled and gone around and I just feel like a day overseas is worth, you know, like a month.

It just, you go through so many emotions and whatever. And I was deciding about whether to come home or not every day, all the time, whatever. And I just snapped one day cause we were in one of those houses like that. And you know, there was three people to a, to a room or whatever. And, uh, and I was only just staying over at this, these people's houses because, um, they were saying, Oh, just crash, you crash on the floor. And I'm like, okay.

And then they went, and this girl was like crashing my room. And I'm like, okay, all right. And she's like, come in here and just stay on that spare bed and whatever. And I'm like, are you sure? Because I'll just stay on the floor. And she's like, no, no, no, that's fine. And then I would stay on the bed and then she would sort of like try and pick me up as we were going to sleep every night. And I'd be like, this is a bit weird.

Like I'm, you know, I've got a girlfriend at the time, and she's chatting me up while we're having a slumber party, essentially. Anyway, it got to the end of five days or something, and I went, right, I'm going to go now. And she's like, oh, you're going to leave? Is that it? And I'm like, yeah, I'm sort of over this. And she's like, okay.

I went for a walk, came back, and she left and left a bill on my bed. Left a bill going, this is how much you owe for the last five nights. What? Yeah. In retrospect, turned around and gone, oh, no much you owe for the last five nights. What? Yeah. A retrospective. Turn around and go, oh, no, that was, you're paying for that now. Did she ask for your checkout on arrival? Did you need like one form of ID?

Well, I was like, hey, I would have paid this, but that lift was damn too slow. Finally, that story's interesting now. See, there you go. It paid off. I did not get my daily telegraph that I ordered every morning. Someone was stealing that. I'm not paying for that.graph that I ordered every morning. Someone was stealing that. I'm not paying for that.

Yeah, and that continental breakfast was shithouse. Yeah. So then, you know what? I left, right? And I went, oh, and I was, you know what? I got mad. I got mad at that because I thought, that's a trick. I'm allowed to respond to that.

So then I wrote a reply note that just went, listen, lady, I wouldn't have fucking stayed in your little room if I'd have known I was getting paid for it. So why don't you go and fuck yourself? Started out so polite calling her lady. And it just really went downhill pretty quick. Yeah, and I went pretty hard. I just got really mad.

And then I just literally went straight to the airport. And then I was in America and I called my mate that was still living there and went, oh, yeah, I feel a bit bad about all that. How did that all end up? And he was like, oh, yeah, she sort of started crying. And I'm like, oh, I feel really bad now. And he goes, oh, don't worry about it. I sort of started to comfort her and then things sort of kicked off and then I kind of fucked her. I'm like, oh, okay, well it's a happy ending then? And then he gave her a bill.

Yeah. She said, well, just even it out. It'll be about fine. Carl, that is the most beautiful story I've ever heard. That is a true romance. So the reason you left the country had nothing to do with the price of sandwiches. Well, the price of the room and the price of sandwiches. You were on the run from a hotel bill. Yeah, there was a lot of emotions going on.

Yeah, no, he ate one of her sandwiches and that was tacked onto the bill. Oh, God. Okay. He ate one of her sandwiches and that was tacked onto the bill. Oh, God. Okay. I met a girl a long, long time ago. I actually walked past the cafe today.

It reminded me of it. The Black Cat on Brunswick Street. It's right for people who know Melbourne. And it was this Canadian girl. And I'm just starting out doing stand-up. I'm maybe 22, I suppose. And my diary isn't chock full of stuff that I have to do. Right. So, um, I'm in this cafe, like, you know, having a cup of tea or whatever. And this girl starts talking to me and it turns out it's her last day in

Australia, but she's run out of like all her money and she needs to like fill in the time until she can go to the airport to catch her flight at like five o'clock in the morning the next morning. But she doesn't even have anywhere to stay. Like, so this is like a spam email I got once. Yeah. She's, she's Russian. Did I say Canadian? I meant Russian.

And she used to be a princess. No, look, so she's sitting there and like, she said, um, you know, can I, we have a chat or whatever. So we ended up just having a chat and, and like, I suddenly started to go, this is pretty cool. Right. And back then I totally saw myself as like, you know, Ethan Hawke in reality bites, right? Like, you know, little goatee and like the whole sort of, you know,

tortured artist thing. And then I was like, well, this reminds me of another Ethan Hawke movie that was like before sunrise. So I'm like, this is great. I will ask this girl if she just wants to hang out with me for the rest of the day and we'll do all the free things that you can do in Melbourne for a day. And it'll be like the most romantic time ever. And then, you know, we'll whack her on a plane.

It'll be fantastic, right? Very similar to my story. So this is what I'm thinking, right? I'll give her a bill, obviously, for all the fun that she should have had. No, but I was like, well, because there'll be a million things in this beautiful city of Melbourne, right, that you can do for free overnight. And I'm sure that there is. But this was in an age before, like, Google. Yeah, yeah.

Right? I couldn't just, like, look on my- Google is pretty fun. Yeah. Or the days, the days me and my friends have spent just sitting around the house Googling things. Back then, Google was only in Melbourne. You know, nowadays, it's everywhere. Well, you guys are too young for this, but back in the days where we used to have Ask Jeeves parties, where everyone would gather round with all the questions they'd always wanted answered.

We would ask Jeeves. He would answer. We'd all celebrate. Yeah, and you'd get to the party by using Alta Vista maps. So I couldn't look for places, so we kind of just had to wander around and just see what there was to do for free. But we managed to get through the entire evening, and I've taken her out to the airport, and we've got out there,

and we're saying our goodbyes. And just as we're saying the goodbyes, like, you know, she's gone in for the kiss, which obviously I was hoping might happen. Probably a little bit sooner than when you're at the airport, though, to be fair. Yeah, to be honest. But you've got to get there like, you know, three hours before your flight. So you still do. There's still some time. Once you've checked in your bags, you still have some time.

There's the Formula One hotel across the road. It wasn't back there. Damn it. But we could have gone and done it in the field and nobody would have seen it on Google Maps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have been safe in the knowledge. And there was less security in airports back then as well.

Oh, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. None of that time going through x-ray machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That really lacked the sex at the airport back then. Not since Osama bin Laden stopped all that coitus in airports. I like that you were about to pin that on Obama.

Yeah, I know. Nearly. I know. So she said, oh, you know, it's a pity that, you know, this is like where we're ending this thing. She said, it's a pity, you know, you can't come back to Canada. I've got the next two weeks off. You know, we could have just, I could have shown you Canada.

And I said, well, I'm a standup comedian. I've got fuck all on in the next two weeks. I, you know, maybe I should come. And, and she goes, well, you don't have your passport. And I said, well, no, I don't have my passport. And she goes, I said, look, we'll have a cooling off period. Right. Cause this might just be a ridiculously romantic thing to do.

Right. So she's, I said, look, you know what? You get back to Canada. When you get it to Canada, wait a day. And if you're still into the idea of me coming over, I'll, by then I'll get a ticket and I'll grab my passport and I'll come and visit you. So she's, she's called me like the 24 hours later and said, yeah, yeah, come still. So I've like gone, all right, well, you know, I'm going to do this now.

Like, why not? Like once in your life, you're just going to like chase some girl you've just met around the world. I thought you were going to say you initially had the passport on you and all gone, this is an awesome story. But then my question would have been, why the fuck did you have a passport on you just walking around? Yeah, I keep it on me at all times in case I'm ever just drafted into the Amazing Race.

Like, I am always Amazing Race ready. I already have a bum bag that has, like, you know, sort of $260 of amount of cash in every currency that I can sell. It should be like that. It shouldn't be like there's an audition process. It's just that you're walking down the street and you get bundled into a black van and then off you go. No, no. There should be a lure like Will. There should be a girl trying to pick him up, lure him to the airport.

And then they go, rightio. You've got to travel around the world horny. Yeah. Oh, wow. This is the superior of the two episodes we've recorded so far. I will say this. It started slow, but we've warmed up. Yeah, yeah.

If you guys just come in when I join the episode, I think it'll be fine. But so I've decided to go. So I've gone on the cheapest flight I could find because I was an unemployed stand-up comedian. My diary was free, but that also meant I didn't have heaps of loose change for a flight. So I found a Japan Airlines flight, which meant that I had to have a stopover in a lounge in Japan. Yeah, right. Right, the night. Didn't have time to get to anywhere. You literally just had to have a stopover in a lounge in Japan. Yeah, right. Right, the night. Didn't have time to get to anywhere. You literally just had to have a stopover in this lounge overnight.

In a lounge, when you say lounge, is that in the airport or just? Yeah, airport lounge. Right, right, right. But they have those Japanese cubicle sort of rooms. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's literally just a bed, a light, you know, you're in the cubicle room. What are they called, the cubicle hostels? Have they got a name? I'm sure they do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Capsule, capsule hotel. C hostels? Have they got a name? I'm sure they do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Capsule. Capsule hotel. Capsule hotel. So that's what it is. It's a capsule hotel, right? So this is back in the day. Here we go, kids.

Gather around your wireless and Grandpa will tell you some travel stories. But this was back in the day where you could still smoke on flights. Right. Right? So I was sitting in a non-smoking section of the plane, which happened to be the one row in front of the smoking section of the plane. Right. Here's what they didn't have in between those.

Anything. Here's what a plane is if there's a smoking section. Every section's a smoking section. Right? There are babies with throat cancer still from those days because literally you can't open a window. It's a pain. Like everyone's smoking the whole time.

Yeah. So anyway, I'm sitting like in the row in front of that. I've met this guy who literally out of the blue two weeks ago messaged me to say, hey, do you remember this flight that we took? You told me you were going to be like a standup comedian. And like, you know, I was like, yeah, fucking whatever. Righto, mate. Yeah. And he said, but I've followed you over the years and he finally got in touch this dude from this story but he was this cool dude we chatted like all the way to japan but by

the time we got to uh japan the problem was that we had told each other every single thing that happened in our lives like and we still had a whole other leg of this flight to go we were going to be sitting next to each other and we were going to spend the night together like hanging out in this like hotel bar. So we decided to invent a game and I'm not proud of this, but this is what we did. We decided that every person who came and talked to us, we would tell a more outrageous lie about why we were going to Canada and see if we could get the people to believe the lie.

It seems like a harmless enough game, right? You know what the problem with these things is? Much like the Cold War, escalation. Yes. Right? It might start out as a really charming game where you just tell some little like funny story. But after a while, the stories get more and more and more extreme.

These girls come over to the table. You know, eventually we've got around to why you guys are here and it's my turn. And I've said to her, oh, you're never going to believe this. It's actually quite a tragic story. Both my parents are adventurers. They love to climb mountains and ski and do all that sort of stuff. And they were on an adventure and they froze to death in a snowstorm and I have to go over to Canada, take their bodies back to Australia for the funerals, right? Okay. Not the nicest thing to say in the world, right?

But it was late in the night and we got more adventurous. She's gone, no way. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, no way. She goes, are you joking? Now, at that point, at that point, here's what I should have said. Fucking yes. I'm joking.

I'm so sorry. I don't know where this is going, but I know this is going somewhere really bad. You're officially bad if you continue it past that line. I know this will be a story that haunts me for the rest of my life. Please just fucking stop now. It will be embarrassing, but it won't be as embarrassing as wherever this is going. But that is not what I said. I said, why would I joke about something so serious?

Turns out her dad had died in a mountaineering accident. We then spent the next hour and a half, because she wanted to talk to somebody about the fact that they'd shared this experience and she felt like she'd finally found this person that she could talk. Yeah, finally there was someone else that had all the technical parent dying in a mountain terms that she could talk on the same level to. A lot of people often ask, like in 18 years of stand-up comedy, like what's your best improv on stage?

What's the moment where you made up the most shit you're most proud of? It wasn't on stage. It was in that hotel bar talking to that girl because I didn't want to do – like I was in a horrible situation, but the only way I could make it good was to genuinely give her some comfort yeah and some empathy right to genuinely be there for her in a way that no one else even though i was pretending i thought well through my pretending maybe i can do some good but here's the problem with that eventually if you do enough good she has a crack yeah now so now it's like one of those things where it's like she wants a shoulder to lie

on in a Japanese capsule hotel in an overnight situation. But I can't sleep with a girl that I've just lied to. That is literally like when you go to hell, they go, oh, yeah, we've been waiting for you. There is a special section for you, yeah, we've been waiting for you. There is a special section for you, right? That's an interesting conundrum because isn't that why men lie to women in order to sleep with them? You know what I mean? Well, no.

I don't. No, if you have to lie to women to make them sleep with you, that's where you're going wrong in the first place. I'm not saying about parents dying. I'm not saying that extreme, but, you know, little things like, you know. Anyway. I love you. Sure I won't tell anyone. Was that an example or was that you just saying that to me because you think my logic is so good?

Yeah, sure I'll pay this bill. Yeah. No, of course Daslo's my real name. Of course your episode of my podcast isn't deleted It's there It's still there It's still good Yeah

Listen to that Will Anderson episode from six months ago When you get off this plane But it is isn't it Because you can't Sure No In that situation You literally cannot

Because you would just know That the whole time You'd be like You know what got us here Dead parents. Yeah. And that is not sexy. Yeah.

It's never sexy. Did you have to make up extra details about your dead parents just to relate and stuff like that? I like the idea that she's going, so what about your parents? They're not really important. We don't have to talk about them. You've got the same mountain as us. What was...

I was literally doing a lot of, it's so soon for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, this has just happened. Yeah, right. I haven't even seen their frozen popsicle bodies yet. You know when the moss meets the lichen on your dead, lifeless mother? You know when that happens? All right.

We're relating now, though, right? Do you mind if I finger you? Yeah, yeah. Do you want to come back to my capsule? Yeah. Is this all this talk of being an orphan, getting you wet. I know, I'm feeling pretty cool right now. I saw a car today, a ute, and it had like a your mum sort of sticker on the back of it.

But it was so not offensive enough. Right. For like, you know, the whole idea, it was in the genre of like, yeah, I fucked your mum. Yeah. Right. But it was literally a Facebook F and then like a thumb, like pointing down at the car and then it said, your mum likes this.

Ah, right. What does that mean? That's. Like. Like the guy driving the car, like rooted your mum. Yeah. She likes it. Oh, okay.

But like, isn't that a bit too, well, just tell me you rooted my mum. Yeah. Don't even tell me that because she's 60 and she lives on a dairy farm. Yeah. Your mum's so fat she died on a mountain somewhere. Yeah. We don't need to bring social media into someone rooting your mum. Yeah.

Yeah. We don't need to bring Zuckerberg into this. your mum. Yeah, yeah. We don't need to bring Zuckerberg into this. It's like someone down at the sticker factory has gone, we love this, you fucked your mum shit. Yeah, yeah. But can we make it more modern? Yeah, yeah. Can we make it literally more digital?

We are going to bring your mum jokes kicking and screaming into the 21st century. This is the Buck Rogers of I fucked your mum jokes. And what's the next sticker? Like, RT at your mum. Loved rooting you last night. Where's it going to end? Where's the Twitter joke then?

Where's the Twitter? I rooted your mum. That's what I just said. I literally just said it. RT. Okay, I get it. You know what? I was thinking you were saying RT doot.

RT dootie. RT dootie? R2-D2. RTDootie. RTDootie? RTDootie. RTDootie? Why do I never say that word right? God, you dumb old man. Sorry. In the reboot they're doing, you can...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll have RTDootie. I like that anything with an R in it, your ears just pick up and go, oh, this is Star Wars. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. This is what the kids are into.

How do you feel about the idea of there being three Star Wars films? Is anyone... The news that they're going to have three more Star Wars films, is anyone excited or not excited by that? Absolutely indifferent. I've never been much for Star Wars at all. Don't care. No. Don't care.

Don't care either way. There were some angry people on the internet today. For sure, yeah. Like angry. Like just going, oh my God. And I was like, yeah, they're really going to spoil the legacy of the one and a half good movies. Yeah. What's the one and a half good movies.

What's the one and a half? Which one's the... Oh, I reckon all of Empire Strikes Back is good. And I reckon half of Star Wars is good. Okay. Yeah. And that's it. This is a weird news story that came out with Disney buying Lucasfilm. I kind of, I don't know why I thought this, but I presumed they already did.

Like, I don't know why that was in my head, but I saw the news today and just went, didn't that happen like 10 years ago? I don't know. It doesn't matter, does it? It's not as good as my Lyft story, but it's close. It's close. I mean, the Lyft, can we come back to Lyft story? Please.

I feel like we didn't fully explore it, which is you are saying that a con, it's not enough of a con that the Lyft is slow for you. No, I think that's a weird thing to complain about, given that the whole point of this site is letting people, giving people an informed opinion about, you know, and then they can make their own, you know, maybe that's not a pro to you, maybe that's not a con to you, whatever. I feel like complaining about the lift being slow.

It shouldn't be. And marking down the hotel for that. But it might affect, like, you know what the thing is? Like, you're on a holiday, yeah, it's a short time. Yeah. You want to get out and about and see things. It's New York.

Yeah, it's maybe, you know. And I'll tell you what, you don't want to be stuck in that lift when the floods come to town. Yeah. Or if it's up really high, maybe you do want

to be stuck in there. Was it a review of the World Trade Center? Because then, if the lift was a bit slow, then that would affect your time in New York. But also, well,

let's say this, it was a pretty small hotel, so I don't think in New York. But also, well, let's say this. It was a pretty small hotel, so I don't think it would have been more than five stories high. What did Jonathan Thurston think about it? Were people shitting bricks at his age? Yeah, that's what stuck the elevator. Yeah, right. What about this?

I found out, I watched TV the other night, Klang, and I Will Survive. I Will Survive. Have you watched any of that? I Will Survive? No, I was hoping it would be more successful so I could call my next comedy festival show I Will Survive. Yes. It would have been a really good title, but fuck them.

But then your poster would have been you had to dress up as a woman on the poster anyway, I guess. Oh, wow. You would have done it. I've been waiting for that. I've spoken about this before, but I already have my famous, like the Jump the Shark final ever time I do some bad pun show in mind. Yeah.

And it's me standing in like in a suit in front of like women in bikinis and the show is just called Simply Irresistible. And I'm going to do a massive post of the whole kit and caboodle. Why are you holding on to that? Why isn't that next to you? That's awesome. That's awesome, man. Oh, fair enough. Yeah, you can't's awesome, man. Oh, fair enough.

Yeah, you can't get better than that. Yeah, fair enough. I thought you were going to say you've already got your drag queen name picked out. I do, actually. Oh, really? Yeah, no, I've thought about this before as well. Kerry Man Kennelly. I think that would be a great drag name, right?

Because you could do a whole Kerry Ann thing, which I think is really funny anyway. Plus, she does that whole kind of singing sort of drag. He's a bit like a man thing. Totally. Carrie-Man Kennelly. It's fucking gold. Yeah, that's awesome. I know.

I'm often disappointed I'm not a drag queen just because I have such a good name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I either have to do drag queen or roller derby. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be great. Yeah. Yeah.

So I Will Survive, I hadn't watched any of it, and I've talked about it on the show before. They flew me up to do some writing for it, and I watched it the other night. It just happened to be the episode where they get to LA, where this is what they told me. They did this thing where I wrote stand-up for them, for all the remaining contestants. Right. And then they were supposed to perform at the comedy store in LA. And they told me, yeah, we're just going to put it at the comedy store, and we're not going to tell anyone about it.

We're just going to do it on a Monday night. And I sort of went, you know what? I've been there on a Monday night and it's not very good. You should do something about it. Do something about it. Yeah. But they were like, no, no, no, it'll be fine. And, you know, I'm thinking there's going to be 15 people there.

If you're lucky. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so. And eight of them might speak English. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've literally been there on nights when it's full of like international, international tourists, like it's the world-famous comedy store, and they just sit in the audience going, well, we had to come here,

but we don't understand anything that anybody's saying. Yeah, yeah. Well, so I've watched this episode, and they get to LA, and it's sort of like, oh, here's LA and whatever, and then all of a sudden they're sort of there for five minutes, and then it's sort of like, anyway, we're off to New York. And I'm like, I think there's been quite a big cut there. And now I'm fascinated to know if they just didn't use any of my stuff and went, oh, we

won't do it. Or they actually went to the comedy store and it bombed so badly that they just had to cut everything out. But if it had bombed that badly, you'd think they'd put it on? Because that's something? That's a thing for a show? Not necessarily a talent show. But I reckon a story would be one person goes, well, here's the end of the tale.

Everyone is bad in this story. I'm just thinking about what I would like to see, not what the public in general like watching. Yeah, you would like to see them all bombing and then a big caption, Carl Chandler wrote all the jokes on this part of the show. Here's his phone number, everyone. Let him know what you thought of each joke, joke by joke.

That is a Make-A-Wish Foundation dream come true, that is. Imagine if that was your Make-A-Wish thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you went to them and said, hey, look, guys, look, I know normally it's some trip overseas or maybe some famous celebrity, but here's my thing. I want to re-edit I Will Survive. All I need, like I don't need

you guys just give me all the original footage yeah and a copy of iMovie and I'll sort it out and I'm going to sort this out

yeah and I'll just hang shit on my mates on it as well if that's cool just randomly just scenes where I give out phone numbers and bad faults

about my friends alright well let's just cross our fingers and hope I get cancer again and one day the world can see this great creation oh mate I'll cross them again friends. All right. Well, let's just cross our fingers and hope I get cancer again and one day the world can see this. Great creation.

Oh, mate, I'll cross them again. Oh, Lordy. So you don't know. So you haven't found out if your stuff, if they, what the story was. I've been paid. I've signed forms and everything. And I'm sort of thinking, hey, this has happened. I've been paid.

I signed forms. Yeah, yeah. I'm a proper. I signed forms. Yeah, yeah. I'm a proper show business. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, but I was fascinated to find out what would happen because what happened is they, I presume I'm allowed to talk about this stuff now because it doesn't exist. It's not going to happen.

Hey, you've signed a form. Yeah, exactly. You've gotten paid. I don't know. We all know how this works. Yes. I've got cash. You've probably signed a form that says you can't talk about this. Oh, yeah, I did. I certainly did do that. In bold.

Especially not on your idiot little podcast or whatever it's called. Yeah. I find that hard to hear that from the people who made I Will Survive to be calling our podcast an idiot little podcast. I don't reckon they've got too much to stand on. But anyway, when I met the contestants, there's like five left in the show,

and they all had to come in one by one and meet with the comedy writer in the boardroom. What? Yeah, so... They gave you a boardroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is in the show? Like, were they filming this?

No, that's the ridiculous thing. They should have filmed it. If you do get your cancer back, we want some reshoots. We need some original footage and just a couple of pick-ups. What's Carl wearing when they walk in? Wardrobe's my first port of call here. When you hit them up, number one, reshoot. Number two, chemotherapy.

Okay? Let's get the order right. So. I don't know that medication is really in Make-A-Wish's jurisdiction. Because you think that would be every wish. With the kids that blow it and go, oh, a pony. So when's that chemo coming? No, mate, the pony's there.

What more do you want? Make-A-Wish, did you not sign the forms? You took the cash, you signed the forms. Make-A-Wish is sort of a lot like Simon says. Have you got cancer or a bad case of being a greedy little tool? Make a wish. It doesn't say make a wish twice. It's not called make two wishes.

Make a bunch of them. Make a bunch of wishes. Make as many wishes as you like. The wish till the cows come home foundation. Oh, we've got too many wishes. We've got wishes all over the place. You'd be doing us a favour. Guys, this cupboard is literally bursting at the seams with all the wishes

that we've got. It'd be quicker just to pick something that's not a wish. We've got so many wishes here. Could you please not make just take anything that isn't a wish. Just tell us things that you don't want. Yeah. So, I'm in this boardroom and they each come in one by one,

and it sort of feels like I'm the judge already. I'm just in there, and they're sort of really nervous coming in, because they're the performers, but they're all terrified of stand-up comedy. They're just going, oh, and most of them are really cool. They'd come in and go, oh, look, I don't know anything about comedy. I do all this dancing, but I'm absolutely scared. A lot of people like this, that public speaking thing, especially standing up telling jokes and wanting people to laugh.

And they were all really nice. They're like, oh, you're the professional. You just write it, and I'll say whatever you want. And I'm like, oh, sweet. So this is easy to work with. You just say, oh, tell me about your upbringing or what you do outside of dancing or whatever, and we'd try and tie it into what they do and whatever. And then we even had one of the guys from High Five.

High Five? One of the guys from High Five, and I don't know his name. Nathan Foley. Yes. Yeah, Nathan, I didn't know this. Oh, right. Okay, you know him, yeah. I used to have an interest in High Five.

Right. Yeah. No, I don't mean an interest. You didn't know Chance in High Five? I used to think one of the girls was hot. Oh, yeah. That much of an interest. Yeah, yeah, right.

Enough of an interest to know all their names in case I bumped into one of them at the Ari's and said, can you introduce me to the one I just saw? Awesome. Awesome. So I could go, hey, I was talking to Nathan before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was writing a few jokes for Nathan before, just in case something comes up. And so I talked, he came in, he's the high five one.

And, you know, some of them were gay and some of them weren't gay. Is that presumption of maybe they're all going to be or whatever? But he sort of came in and I thought, well, he'll be, he'll be sort of maybe the, I don't know, like the, I don't know what I thought, but anyway, what I got was quite different was he came in, he was like, he's a bit of an ochre. Yeah. He's pretty rough. rough. Yeah, he came in, he's like, yeah, here we go. What do you got? What do you got? Got some gags for me? I'm like, whoa, are you being revoiced by someone?

That seemed really weird. And he was like, oh, look, give me whatever you want, but I'll tell you this. I'll give you a tip. Just give me a few of those bloody double entendres. That's what I like. And they're like, explain it. You know when something sounds like it's normal,

but then it's a bit grotty? You know, give me one of those. Like he's at a restaurant, just a couple of them bloody double entendres. Thanks, love. Nothing fancy, mate. Nothing fancy. No irony. No juxtaposition for me, mate.

I want some double entendres. You know what? Chuck in a couple of singles as well, mate. Straight ahead stuff, just so that the people don't choke on the doubles. That's what I'd like. Don't you dare be coming over here and giving me any of that pullback and reveal shit. Don't need any of that, mate. No misdirection.

I don't want any of that. I don't want any three-beat structure. I don't want any of that. And no callbacks at all, thanks, mate. I don't want any of that. Yeah, just give me something where it sounds like I might be having a root, all right? Oh, brilliant. Love it.

Love it. So he was good. And then I got the guy that was sort of the most, how do you describe? Flamboyant. Flamboyant. Okay, that's the word. He was the most flamboyant. Let's just point out, that very easily could have been ten minutes just there.

That was convinced into about four seconds. Because you know what I'm used to? Listening to your show and hearing you awkwardly dance around your weird, fucked up feelings about male-to-male sexuality. Oh, really? Where you want to be really cool with it, but there's still a little bit of your country boy upbringing. Oh, really?

Oh, God. You so often, like you'll have a, and so, what is it like? Thank you, make a wish. My dreams are literally coming true right now. So I felt like on the one time I'm hearing this, yeah, let's just cut straight through to, yeah, flamboyant. Yeah, that's like, that's like, you know, do some of the lifting sometime. This bloke's coming for one second.

Why would I do that when it's so fun to watch? I didn't know it was that infinite. Anyway. So he came in and he was like, you know what? I've done my own shows before. And so I don't really need your help. I'm like, okay, cool. I'm getting paid either way.

But, you know, I can help if you want. He's like, nah. I said, well, actually, but you know, I can help if you want. And he's like, nah. I said, well, actually out of curiosity, all right, show us, show us some of the stand up shows. He's like, oh no, no, no, not stand up, cabaret. I'm like, okay, well give us your type fives that you're going to do at the comedy store. And he sort of just started, you know, semi dancing and talking. And it was like, as he sort of doing it in front of a room of one, you could see the

air come out of the balloon and he just sort of doing it in front of a room of one, you could see the air come out of the balloon. And he just sort of stopped and went, yeah. And I went, you know what? This is a competition, right? See those four blokes out there? I've written five minutes of just bang, bang, bang jokes for them. And if you're going to come in and dance with that shit, you are going to be off this show within five seconds.

And he was like, all right, I'm ready. And he's like, I'm ready to learn now. And then we could start writing jokes. Yeah. And he'd been harshly judged by Carl, which made him an automatic member of the comedy community. Yeah, it used to just be a fleet, he's hit you up for money. Now there's two, now there's two barriers.

Yeah. So I'm really, oh, I was, yeah, that was another reason why I was really keen to see it, to see if he actually came with my jokes or not, or did his own thing. Yeah. I was so curious to see, you know, it'd be awesome to see, it's great when you write stuff, and Tommy, you do this, and Will, I don't know, Will, did you start out writing for TV or anything like that, or you just went straight onto TV? Yeah, well, yeah, I just went straight onto TV.

Yeah. So, hey, guys, look, I've done a five at the ESPYs. You got any TV spots you need filmed? I've got some double entendres. The funny thing is there are people that genuinely do do that, do one gig and go, here I am, guys, bloody, which managements? Who wants me? Which managements want me?

Yeah. I get a lot of young people because I'm always happy to help people if they think I have anything of value to offer to them. I don't pretend that I know heaps about it, but if somebody thinks there's something I can help them with, I'm always happy to have a chat or sit them down. But occasionally I'll get a new comic, someone that I've not even gigged with or met or whatever,

just send me, go, hey, I've done two gigs and here's my bit I put on YouTube and can you have a look at it and give me some advice? And my first bit of advice is always take that off YouTube because five years from now when you get good at what you're doing, you will hate the fact that that footage of you exists in the internet in that form. Like maybe keep it yourself so that if there's something there that you want to use later as a kind of fun thing, but like people are so eager to get out there and, and get things. Whereas I've always said the best thing is you, you, you've got to get ready.

Yeah. Like you've got to get ready so that when the thing comes along, cause all you need in your career is one, two, three things in an entire career to come along. Yeah. If they're the right things and you're ready to do them, that's it. You don't need like a hundred different opportunities. You don't need 200 opportunities. You literally need like, I've had Triple J breakfast,

which I did for six years. I had Glasshouse, which I did for six years. Well, we've done Gruen for five. I was at Triple M a couple of years. That didn't work out quite as well. You know, it was like, but like you literally along the way don't need everyone to kind of, to work out. So it's so sad.

I think of everything in my life in terms of Batman, as anyone who knows me would know. But I always, when I think about gigs on the scene and like, you know, starting out and doing all that sort of stuff, my thing is always that I remember that scene from Batman Begins where Bruce Wayne's in the prison and that like big guy comes up to him and he's like, I'm your worst nightmare. And he's like, no, you're practiced.

Because every gig you do is like practice. Yeah, yeah. Until somebody comes along and says, I reckon you're ready to do something. Yeah. Like, do it. So I always wrote for myself, but I never wrote for other people. Yeah, right.

Right. Where were we? Yeah. Cut that out. Could you cut that interesting bit out, please? Can you just leave the bit about how I nearly had sex with a girl because I pretended my parents were dead? You betcha.

And cut out that bit where I was philosophical. No, it's just nice to have a bit of success on the show. Yeah, and you clearly didn't know how to handle it. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'm not used to it. You're talking about full-time jobs. He's my showreel.

I got my jokes taken out of I Will Survive. Yeah, now is that one of those two or three opportunities you were talking about? Is Carl on his way? Is there a version of IMDb where you put all the stuff that you didn't do? You'd be cut out of, yeah. That would be good. That would be great. A really depressing IMDb where you put all the stuff that you didn't do? That would be cut out of, yeah. That would be good. That would be great. A really depressing IMDb.

Hey, what about this? I thought this would be good to bring up with you, Will. Now, we were talking before about two weeks ago on the show, my number being put out there. Carl printed out posters that had my phone number on them, said, give me a call or text. I need topics for a podcast. And then we talked about it that week on the show.

And then as we were doing the show, I got a missed call and voicemail message from someone. So we didn't get to cover on the show that week. And I thought you would be a good person to run this by. I've got the voicemail here so I can play it. And look, let's set it up like this because it took me a little while to work this out when I listened to it. This is a radio show that's called my phone and gotten my voicemail. Okay, so here's...

They've literally just seen that poster on the street and rung it and had nothing to do with us. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so here we go. Tommy, Tommy, just ringing up. Saw your sign on the street. Thought we'd give you a little bit of a call, give you some ideas for your podcast, something you might want to talk about. Yeah.

Dylan's got three brilliant ideas you need to hear. All right. Go, Dylan. Give him idea number one. Start with the crappiest one and we'll work our way through. Go, Dylan. What is idea number one? All right.

Are people giving... Oh, sorry. Are people showing too much love to their pets? Boom! Boom. Based on a story about a lady called Terry Graham who breastfeeds her pug dog. That's good stuff. Number two is coming from Dan.

Go. No, no, no, you have got three great ideas. So, is music dead? Yeah, sure. Okay. That's a good one. Is music dead? That's an open-ended question. You can go anywhere with that, Tommy boy. Well, no, it is.

What? Is this from you or me? It's a pretty long drumroll. I haven't got time to think about something. 45 seconds left for the drumroll. The message bank doesn't go for this long. What if Tommy hangs up on us accidentally? We're going to fill it up, I think.

We actually can fill the message bank. This could be the whole podcast, Tommy. You can use this as your podcast. Irony. Make sure you email us if you do, so we can listen to it. We want royalty. This is a ridiculous drum roll. Make it stop.

Make it stop. Make it stop. There's the beat where it goes, shh. And then I say the thing. There's seriously another 15 seconds left on this. Put more drumrolling. We won't have to use that lift story at the start. I don't care.

Hang up. Hang up. I had a really good thing. This is the best I've known. I had a good thing. Here we go. Now I'm finished. I'm leaving.

Here we go. Has Psy got any other songs besides Gangnam Style? Yes. Yes, Tommy. I thought he didn't know this. Okay, Tommy, hope that helps, mate. And bring it home. Sam and the Womp.

This is getimquick.com. But are you at getimquick for an amazing deal? It's Halloween. Okay, firstly, do you think you would be bothered by a long lift ride if that drum roll was all you heard while you're in the lift? I would like that. That would be good. That would be a good way to spice up lift.

Sam and the Womp. Was that right? I think so. Sam and the Wonk, I thought he said. But then he's calling him Dylan. He calls him Dylan. Yeah. He calls him Dylan. So basically what's happened is-

I feel like we found a great radio show for Nathan Foley from High Five, by the way. I feel like he would really enjoy this show. So what's happened is these guys, they've seen the poster. They've thought, this will be good radio content. We'll give this guy a call. They haven't gotten me. They've gotten my voicemail. And they went, well, what would a human really have contributed to this bit anyway?

The bit can just be us chatting on his voicemail. We've already written these sweet questions. Like, is music dead? Yeah. We've got a 45 second drum roll. You know what I don't appreciate? I don't appreciate them calling me Tommy Boy. Like, they haven't even seen my last name.

It wasn't even on the flyer. They know you. It's a little bit too familiar for someone. They've gone to big commercial radio straight away. They've given you a nickname. You haven't even spoken to me properly. You've just heard my voice on my outgoing message. You know what I don't like?

They've included the ads in your message. Like, just why did you need to hear? Bloody commercial radio. Won't miss an opportunity to plug Frank's Carpet Warehouse or whatever. Can I redeem that? There's even ads in phone messages now, man. Can I redeem that voicemail for an icy cold can of Coke? Is that how that works?

So that happened and then I can't find who that is. I've been looking them up. I thought it sounds a bit, you know, commercial radio with the ads and stuff. But then listening back, and I know this is an odd thing to say, but it almost sounds a bit too shit to be commercial radio. I think it's country commercial radio. I reckon it's one of those networked shows that they do. You know where Ant and Bex came from?

Occasionally you see it. People get promoted up through those regional networks, and they've had a local show that's been in those markets. But the only thing is, that poster was in the middle of the city. Yeah, but most of them, they just tape out of some office in a city. Oh, right. I thought they might have been on an urban camp or something. They were up here for an excursion.

Sam and the Wonk or whatever. Sam and the Wonk. Sam and the Wonk go to the city. Yeah, yeah. They make a documentary. Yeah, yeah. Classic Sam and the Wonk. Yeah.

I wanted to get in touch with them. I wanted to find out where they were and how to contact them and go, hey. But Google has nothing for us? I tried. I couldn't find anything. I looked them up. I love the fact that it would be easier to find out about your podcast than their actual radio show.

This is probably the most listeners they've had on our podcast. Yeah. That's really weird. Yeah. It's bizarre. A bizarre thing to happen. Maybe it was the alternate reality podcast. Yeah. That's really weird. Yeah. It's bizarre. A bizarre thing to happen. Maybe it was the alternate reality us. Maybe we are Sam and the Wonk.

Oh, wow. Maybe we're trying to get in touch with ourselves. You've blown some minds there. You've really blown some minds there. Have you been heckled from another universe? Man. That's what I would guess. Because it really sounded like they're clearly an afternoon show.

They've clearly got the wacky question. I mean, what did you think of their questions? Does Psy have another song than Gangnam Style? After Gangnam Style? Again, I think Google would probably fix that one. I mean, he's had six albums, so I think you'd... Well, let's go through them one by one. Are people showing too much love to their pets?

I don't think so, no. No, although I will tell you, I spent $5,000 on my cat this year in an operation. Oh. Yeah, I got him a boob job in Thailand. Five grand, you've overpaid in Thailand. Coming up next on Sam and the Wonk. Got bells in them so he can play with them.

Yeah, all the classics. But no, okay, that part was material. The rest of it is a true story. I got... You didn't have to point that out. No one for a second thought that you'd actually given your cat a food job. So no, but I did spend $5,000 on my cat on an operation. He had to get his tail removed and it then had some other complications.

And I was leaving the house the other day and I was going to leave the door open for the cat. And somebody said, oh, aren't you worried about someone stealing anything? And I looked around my house and I realized the most valuable thing in my house was my cat. Like I had spent more money on my cat than anything else someone could pick up. So really I should have just locked my cat up in a safe when I left my house. I liked it. I liked it. Paying $5,000 for your cat to have an operation does boost the value of the cat. Like someone could rack him and sell him for the value of the surgery. You're talking to a guy who this year had his car stolen and my car was insured for what I paid for it, but it wasn't insured for all the money I had spent on the car since then.

So I do kind of still feel the pain of anytime you spend money on anything, that goes to the value of that thing. I'm much like that girl who gave you a bill. If I broke into a house though and found a cat with fake boobs, I reckon I'd pinch it. Oh, yeah, definitely. But it'd be hard to pass it off as it's yours. Do you know what I mean?

Like if you suddenly also, oh, no, I've always had a cat with fake boobs. You'd just be looking around going, did I break into Ripley's Believe It or Not? What's the cat doing here? It's a goat smoking a cigarette. What's going on in this place? Who is this guy? But, yeah, that was a news story. That must be a cool thing in a little way where you've had a burglary,

but it makes the news. That's a nice little something. I don't know if it is a cool thing in a little way where you've had a burglary, but it makes the news. That's a nice little something. I don't know if it is a cool thing, but it was one of those times in life where you realize that having friends in the media could at least you go, oh, well, you know, if I can like tell people about this, they can get it out and about. As it turns out, I didn't get the car back. But as someone said to me the other day, the car did not have,

because it was a 1966 Mustang, right? So it only had seatbelts that go around your waist. It didn't have over-the-shoulder seatbelts. It didn't have headrests. It didn't have airbags. I had literally just brought a really, really pretty coffin. Yeah, yeah. It was just a set.

I was going to die in that car and my head was going to come off at some stage. Oh, what if they catch the guy and he dies in it? How would you feel about that? Fine. Yeah. In fact, vindicated. Justified. And I would actually keep him and just drive him around.

Yeah. Did you have any leads or anything like that? Because it did go right around Twitter and Facebook and everything. Well, people kind of like, you know, were very helpful. And you learn a lot about like what happens with stolen cars because we were like, we thought we might, they would have heard someone steal it but it turns out that they have like gangs who do this and they just drive a uh tow truck up and they literally just like three minutes later they've just driven off and they've got your car and like a day later it's a different country

and a day later it's in a different state and a day later someone else owns it sort of thing so it's it's pretty bad but just as we were walking into the studio today, it's like, because like, A, when you get your car stolen and people know about it, the worst thing is that people are always like, oh, did you get your car back? And then you have to go through it again. But the other thing is that literally as we were walking into the studio, I just got a message and I was just like, way to rub your nose into something. Dear Will, beat the Christmas rush.

Book your car service in November and receive free air conditioning. Yeah, dot, dot, dot. But here's the best bit down the bottom. I just thought this was so perfect that I got this as I was walking into your studio. Check out the web address for the business. It's clang.com.au. Oh, victory. Sweet victory. Sweet victory.

Man, that's like the messages I've been getting since my number's been going out there. That is weird. Wow. Man, that's awesome. Yeah. You sure that's not a prank? Did you give your number out on Tofop? Did Charlie give your number out on another episode that's gone out?

Jesus. That's weird. Hey, I'll tell you this that happened. You know, you're doing showbiz. You do showbiz, Will. You do us showbiz. I work in the industry of show business. That's it.

No business like it. No business like that. You catch a lot of cabs? Do you catch a lot of cabs? I catch a lot of cabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I also drink a lot. Yes.

Well, do you do that thing where, I don't know, to you, does this happen as much anymore where you get in a cab and they start telling stories? Because that's sort of my favorite thing about being in a cab. Yeah. The cab I got on the way here did not tell me a story at all. He was listening to a jazz station and he had the air conditioning on just that little bit too high. And I started getting a little bit sleepy in the cabin.

It was literally like I was in for like a massage. Right. And by the time we got here, I was like really relaxed. Yeah. And then I tried to give him a tip and he wouldn't take it. And I was like. Yeah. Like literally would not take my tip.

What? Yeah, I know. It was like, I don't know what was going on. That's the thing I like. Like that'll be the sort of the one thing I do is tip cab drivers. Always tip cab drivers. Yeah. Because I think, oh, you poor guys.

Like it's always. It's a tough job. Yeah, because I think, oh, you poor guys. It's a tough job. Yeah, it's a very tough job. And they always seem like they're always, to be honest, complaining about how little sort of fare they've had today. So I think, oh, God. So I think lately, and I think it's a thing where you get a lot of people that maybe were not originally born in this country that are driving cabs now. Yep.

So it's sort of, and again, this is me dancing around. I'm enjoying you dancing around this much the way you would normally dance around sexuality. Yeah. I'm back on the hot plates again. Those gay taxi drivers that are out there. Oh, man, I'm not that person. I'm really trying not to be that person.

Yeah, that's what we can hear every episode. That's the beautiful thing. Can you hear the sweat? So you don't get as many stories because you've got people, you know, talking on headsets and stuff to the family or whatever it is. So I used to really enjoy getting into cabs and giving them the big meat and potato questions, you know, what time do you start tonight? What time do you finish?

What's the craziest fare you've ever had? Yeah, my favorite is worst thing. Worst thing you've seen in this cab. Yeah, yeah. The worst good one. Yeah. Have you ever? And then the closer, which is, has any girl ever said, I don't have any money.

Shall we have sex instead of me paying or whatever? So I'd ask all those questions. I've never asked the cab driver that question. Oh, really? No. Yeah, because I think it's really good because either they do have a story or they don't or you get the feeling they like. So that's why you think it's good?

Yeah. Because they either do have a story or they don't. Or. Or. What situations are you normally in where people are somewhere between those two things? I just want to talk to someone. I just want to talk to someone. I just want to talk to people.

I'm willing to pay people to drive me around so I can talk to them. Even if they don't give me much. But they'll make it up as well. They'll give you a story about some ridiculous story about having sex with a girl in a cab. But I haven't got stories from a cab driver in so long that the other day I actually got one and I was enjoying it. Just the other day he was like, I said uh you know uh what's your what's your longest fare and he's like oh yeah yeah all right well uh a couple of years ago uh this is this is great this is the best day i've ever had in my cab i got in the cab and i was nearly i was nearly home it was

nearly knockoff time it was 11 30 at night and then i get this message and it said do you want a fare to adelaide and i was like you ripper i'll take that fare yeah no worries so i'm like oh okay so that's a massive drive like you know that'd be that'd be good fare for you that's good business he's like yeah he has great business i said as long as there's someone in the cab you know the passengers all right he goes this is the perfect thing right no passenger all i had to do was it was a fare for like some food company in Adelaide, and they'd run out of paprika or something at 11.30 at night, but they needed it for the ovens at 6 a.m. the next morning.

So he ran drugs across the board. I don't know why you had to change the story to me. Because people aren't that desperate for paprika. You know what? Now that I say that out loud, that's exactly what this story's about. Like literally, is there any situation in the history of the world where anyone's been so desperate for paprika that they've gone, we need to get a cab across the border?

Yeah, the great paprika shortage of 07 in Adelaide, it hit pretty hard. Actually, now that they say that, he did say he had to deliver the paprika to the Hell's Angels party club in North Adelaide. It was nacho night. Everyone was gathering around to watch Sons of Anarchy. Man. Well, anyway, we'll go on with the made-up story that he told me.

He goes, oh, so what I did was I went and picked up this parcel, and then I went to drive off. But then I went, you know what? I'm going to go home. I'm going to pick up the missus. I'm not going to use my cab. I'm going to use my normal car. This is going to be great.

He drove home at midnight, woke up his wife, and then went, come on, we're getting in the car. We're driving to Adelaide. And just to confirm. this isn't a dream. This isn't your dream coming true. This is a real thing. We're driving to Adelaide at midnight. So then he goes, they drove and it like takes eight hours or whatever to drive.

He goes, and then I just jumped in the back and had a kip and got her to drive. I'm like, what are you doing? You woke your wife up at midnight and then got her to do your job. Your one job is to drive these drugs over the border. Maybe he knew. Maybe he knew and just went, I'm just going to go for a sleep in the boot. And you drive this. Honey, we need to take this paprika over the border.

Here's the weird thing. It's all in condoms. And one of us has to swallow it. He's still telling it like it's the best story of all time. This is the best fare he's ever had. He's like, yeah, this is great. So we drove all night. How much did he get for the... Did he tell you how much he got for it?

Yeah, I think he said $800. Yeah, $800. Does that sound right? That seems a little low for me. $800, don think he said $800. Yeah, $800. Does that sound right? Oh, that seems a little low for me. $800, don't you reckon? No, $1,800. Yeah, mate, I reckon $1,800. You want $1,800.

$1,800, yeah, that'd be it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so he goes, oh, yeah, we drove over the border. We drive all night. Get there. It's like, what a great thing. I get in the hotel, you know,

seven in the morning. I go, what a trip, hey? How's this going? Got in the hotel, went, can we have a room? Gave us a room. Tell you what, within two hours, I went to the a trip, hey? How's this going? Got in the hotel, went, can we have a room? Gave us a room. Tell you what, within two hours, I went to the pictures and watched The Bourne Identity. What a weekend.

He drove his wife. Interstate, just to watch Matt Damon's Newie. In Adelaide. Yeah. Where it was on first release. Yeah. Three years after he missed it in Melbourne at Adelaide. Yeah. Where it was on first release. Yeah. Three years after he missed it in Melbourne at the cinemas. Yeah.

Or it's like, oh, the session's in Melbourne at 7.30. There's a nine. That doesn't really suit me. There's an 8am in Adelaide. If we leave right now, that's way more convenient. Mate, you can't get a park near Crown. Maybe they just drove to Adelaide and they just sat in the middle of Rundle Street Mall and he thought he was watching the Bournemouth Identity after he swallowed all those condoms

full of paprika. Man, that's a great story though. There's a story in my latest show, and I won't do the story, but I tell a story about a cab incident I had on Sydney Gay Mardi Gras Day. Hang on, I'm feeling feeling awkward about this already. I'm not. Should I leave the room? What do you call that thing?

The men parade? The man, the sex? The sex club. They're all in the same footy club? Is that what's happening? The boats and the... The intercourse island? It's called the party.

It's like I Will Survive But On One Street. The bumming parties at the bum party? Oh, man, I wish I edited this podcast sometimes. So I won't tell the story, but anyway, this cab driver hated me and the whole resolution is the story of him going, well, what do you do for an hour in your show to entertain people if you can't tell a joke? And I say, well, ironically, about six months from now,

you can't tell this story, right? But, well, ironically, about six months from now, tell this story, right? But the best thing about that story is in Sydney, they advertised the show on back of cabs. So I just, the whole time I'm telling this show for two months, all I'm thinking about is this poor fucker who is A, in this show, and B, is telling people on his cab to come and see this show, to hear me talk about the show. Yeah, yeah, awesome, awesome.

Before we wrap up, I just want to touch on this very quickly. We haven't mentioned it for a while, but I, of course, during the Olympics, I was in an ad for the Commonwealth Bank, which was touched on your program, Will. And by the way, just before we get to that, how many days is it to Nick Cody's birthday? Oh, God. Yeah. Hang on. Oh, we've blown it.

All right. You keep going, and I'm looking it up right now. Okay, yeah. We'll close off with it. I'll Oh, God. Yeah. Hang on. Oh, we've blown it. All right. You keep going and I'm looking it up right now. Okay, yeah. We'll close off with it. I'll just ring Karen. Yeah. But yeah, you'd seen that you were doing research for the Olympics edition of Gruen. That's right.

You messaged me to say that our ads were going to get a mention. It was a fair possibility you were going to get a run. Yeah. And then when we were in London doing extra stuff for it, the episode went to air and there was one morning where we were going, we were about to go filming, do our work for the day, and a bunch of the ad agency guys were there and they'd heard that it had been on. Yes.

So they were trying to watch it because they wanted to know, like, oh, did we get, you know, done or anything like that? They were all trying to look it up. But, of course, you know, iView and stuff, it's all region sensitive. Yeah, it's geo-blocked, so they can't get on. They're like, oh, damn it, we need to work this out. How do we get through? And I know how to do that, but I'm not saying anything

because it was massively fun to watch people of quite tremendous power not be able to do something. Like I'm there in a big foam costume, a big foam letter, just going, well, who's the idiot now, hey? But then we did watch it. Let the giant sea show you how to illegally download things. But then it did go up and the big thing was someone on that panel called us obviously unathletic, which is something that's kind of stuck

in my craw to this day. Do you know who it was who said it? I can't remember. No. It was a lady. Okay. Some kind of female, like a man, but she had long hair. But obviously Unathletic was very nearly going to be the title of my next comedy festival show.

That's got something in it. Yeah, plus down the bottom you can say, as seen on Gruen Sweat. Yeah. That's a good TV credit. Can I get away with it? Can I put that on there? Oh, people have done worse. People have done worse, haven't they?

People have quoted me with the intros I gave them at a club. Oh, yes. Like where I was just being nice because it was like I was hosting the night. And like, yeah, our next act is one of the finest young comedians on the scene. One of the finest young comedians on the scene. Right. I'm just going to go through things you've said to me on this show. Not even to me.

Just, I love you, Will Anderson, will be on my next poster. Yeah. My parents are dead. Will Anderson. What? Yeah. I guess we should go see his show. Homophobic Will Anderson.

Hang on. I should have edited that. Have you got the counter up? 184 days to go. 184 days. 184 days. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of a little4 days to go. 184 days. 184 days. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of a little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Will, thank you so much for joining us. Look, I would just like to say to everybody out there that, Carl, in particular, mate, I know how you feel when, like, you know, you did all that hard work last time for that TV show and they didn't tape it and they didn't show it. That was much how I felt walking out of the studio last time for that TV show and they didn't tape it and they didn't show it. That was much how I felt walking out of the studio last time. We'd been in here, we'd made this show and I knew that no one would ever get to hear it.

But I feel like today, if anyone lasted through that elevator story at the start and actually got to the podcast, it's been a lovely experience. It's just a shame because that last episode, I actually proposed to my girlfriend on air on that podcast. Yeah, I know. That was a real shame. Reconcile your sexuality and propose to your girlfriend. We don't know what's going to happen here. This really does feel like we're on the brink of something.

It's like we've got a murder-suicide pact going on. Who knows what's going to happen after we press that button? These words may never be heard by people again. You know what I mean? This could be it. Anyway, guys, thank you very much for listening. these words may never be heard by people again. You know what I mean? This could be it. This could be it. Yeah.

Anyway, guys, thank you very much for listening. Hit us up Twitter at Dum Dum Club. We're on Facebook. Email us, littledumdumclub at gmail.com. We've got the live show at Meltdown Comics on November the 23rd. Head to nerdmeltla.com for tickets. That's awesome. Awesome. Yeah, absolutely.

One of the best venues in the world. Yeah, it's great. It's such a brilliant place and you guys have an unreal time. Yeah, yeah. We're going best venues in the world. Yeah, it's great. It's such a brilliant place, and you guys have an unreal time. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have special guests and everything like that, so yeah, definitely come down. Yeah, come down if you're in the area or know someone in the area. Send them along. Guys, thank you so much for listening, and we will see you next time.

See you, mates. Oh, he did it.