The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 12 - David Quirk

Episode Date: January 12, 2011

Bucks parties, urban legends and scam artists. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Daslow. Sitting opposite me and throwing shit at me is Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. What is this, fucking year six? Jesus Christ. I thought I'd interrupt you right on the hello and fuck the whole show right up. Yeah, it was very good right off the...

Right off the middle of your head. Yeah, it was very good. It was a good shot. Were you that kid in high school that just sat there pegging shit at people? Nah. I reckon that's incorrect. Nah. Verbally.

Yeah. Not physically. Okay, were you a fan of chucking stuff into the ceiling fan? I was. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's the best thing of all time, though. What were your favourites? Clag.

Clag? Yeah. Clag into the ceiling fan? Yeah, that was a game-breaker. Oh, what, like a full tub of it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

No, we never did that. There was one portable at school that permanently had clag all around it, because no teacher had ever walked in and gone, oh, of course, someone's chucked clag into the fan, and that's what's happened there. They've just walked in and gone, oh, I don't want to know what that is. Oh, yeah, that clag,ag when spread around would look very questionable. Yeah.

Ugh. Duh. Our favourite was the metal ruler. Yeah. Dangerous. Shut up, whoever you are. Who was that? Who was that mysterious voice?

Our guest today is a comedian, fashion mogul, skateboardist, radio identity. Cube Gleamer. Yep identity. Cube gleamer. Yep, yep, keep going. What else has he done? Toucher of the void. Teller of truth. Skater and creator. Seeker of knowledge.

Yep. Mad cobra. Full cobra. Old mate. Is this all ringing true? Yep, yep. Just tell us if we get one wrong. You're all right.

Can I just make the dinosaur? Oh, we just told you not to touch it when we start recording. It's all right. It's going to be good. There we go. If you weren't already in here, I'd kick you out. That doesn't make sense. You haven't said my name yet.

David Quirk, everyone. David Quirk. Yeah. Woo. Yes. How are you feeling, David? Oh, good. We've been wanting to have you on for a little while.

It hasn't worked out. We've been waiting for you to listen to an episode of the show first, but we caved. We caved because you wouldn't do it. You expect too much, Carlos. I thought this might be in trouble when you walked through the door and you said, so what happens in here? Is there music? Oh, you saw an iPod.

Is there music in this radio station? Well, I was surprised. I don't listen because you've tried to send me the link. You've tried. I've failed. The link comes through. He doesn't get the internet. I don't know how it works.

You're Amish, aren't you? I'm not cut out for this world. I'm not meant to live amongst the living. We have tried to get you in a couple of times before and you've primarily been busy in your other life as a skateboardist. Yeah. What do you do? You sell skateboards? Sell the old.

As a skeg pusher. Yeah. A skeet. Every time we call you, the Telstra woman is like, David Quirk cannot answer because he's too busy popping some mad ollies. Yeah. I got nothing. Good. Three minutes in. Great guess. There. I got nothing. Good.

Three minutes in. What a great guess. Great. There's a warning up the top. Stop downloading now. You've probably only got about five meg at the moment, so just quit while you're ahead. Get some porn.

Get something. I work in the skateboard shop. Yeah. Funny things happen there. Fast times. Can we say that? I don't know why you're allowed to. Can we say that?

On other radio stations. This is not a radio station. Again, you're learning all the time, Quirky. No one's listening live, are they? Yeah, no. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

And you don't even seem like you're really listening. I'm trying to focus on how you weirdos work. Like, you've got a weird rhythm. I know. Talking to each other. Yeah. Weird. How does, uh, well, what do we, what do we, what do we?

You talk now. You talk now. Yeah. Say something. Yeah. David Qu other. Yeah. Weird. Well, what do we want to... You talk now. You talk now. Yeah. Say something. Yeah. David Quirk. Yeah. That's the first thing that came to mind.

You're like a Pokemon. The only thing you can say is your own name. That's me. No, I... Yeah. I don't know what... Literally, what you dum-dums do. So, David, in between your busy life as a skateboardist...

You have. dumb-dumbs do. So, David, in between your busy life as a skateboardist, a comedian, a selling stuff to shop people, you're planning a Bucks night, you were saying. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. That's my most recent sort of, yeah. Pursued. Yeah. Entrepreneurial.

Occupation. Yeah. Have you ever had to do it, you guys? No, never. No. You've probably never even been to a Bucks, Tommy, yeah? I haven't, no. No, I've not.

How old are you? 14. You are. You're old enough to be my son, aren't you? What? I'm 24. 24? That's still old enough to be my son.

How old are you? 30 in February. 30 in February. Wow. And Carl? 22? 32. 34. 34. Wow. And Carl? 22? 32. 34.

Older than Mike Patton? Older than... No. I think he's about 40. I've been listening to the Melvins. Anyway, that's an aside. But... In the biz call, an aside.

Speaking of a guy that's not in the Melvins. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. So you're planning a Bucks night for one of the Melvins? Yeah. My friend, his name's Grant. Uh-huh.

Yeah. What is he? Is he on base or? He doesn't. Just fuck you. All right. You just sounded so disappointed, the fact that your friend's name was Grant. No, the reason why I find it weird is because, one, I've never done it.

And you don't know this, Tommy, but, you know, Carl, you'd know. If you've been to a bar... Have you ever organised one, Carl? No. It's Carl, right? Yeah. Okay. Do you...

You know, like, you're always wondering about the guy that organised it, if they've done a good enough job, and I'm going to be that guy a little bit. Yeah, right. Yeah, if I was the groom, I'd be... Yeah. Yeah, because that would be really downer on you if you turned up and you were just at some piece of shit and you're like, this is what you think of me?

This is what you think of my big day? I don't think the groom is concerned because at least he's a close friend, so he'd put up with whatever. But there's these other guys in this guy, like as an example, we've got our old sort of school friends, right? We're all going. We'll be there. A few of us.

Yep. He's also got, he does Kung Fu. He's like, you know, he'll kick your ass, this guy. So I don't know any of these other men from his other part of his life. So I'm worried that these kung fu guys, not going to kick my ass, but will be just going, oh, there's the guy that organised karaoke. I'm worried that they're going to kick your ass. There's the guy that took us all to the plaster fun here.

Yeah. Yeah. So who gets, who's charged with the responsibility of organising the bus? I have, because my girlfriend. No, no, but I mean, traditionally... Who put you in your position? I always thought it was the best man who had to do it. I would have thought so, but... You're far from the best man.

I know, I'm very bad. He's getting married in Vegas, so there's no best man. He's covered in tattoos, you know, like trendy sort of... Do you know what kind of guy I'm talking about? I've seen tattoos before, yes. A guy's going to Vegas, he's got tattoos. All right, lock that in. Yeah, I can picture it.

Everyone knows this man. Yeah. Everyone knows someone like him. No, but my point is there's no best man, so I was allocated. You know, that's weird. What are you,

the second best? Also, he's not having a best man. So you would have been the best man? Maybe. You're a surrogate best man. I don't know. Are they having a wedding in Vegas

that you're not going to? No, I'm even going to that. Oh, right. We're going to a state in two weeks. Yeah, I'm even going to that. Oh, right. We're going to the States in like two weeks. Yeah, I'm going over for that. That seems like a weird thing to have the... So what are you doing the Bucks do here? Yeah.

Why wouldn't you have the Bucks do in Vegas? Well, because about two people are going to the States. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not one of them. It's a bit of a boner. Yeah, so we're going to do what they do.

That could be it, because I've been to Vegas, and I went there with my girlfriend. There you go, he said it. Yeah, finally. And I went there with my girlfriend and we just walked around and we're like, you know, I'm hanging out with my girlfriend. And it was like such a waste of Vegas. It's the last place in the world you want to be there with your girlfriend. I was walking around just going, if I was here with anyone else, this would be awesome.

So what does that say about you or men in general? Well, I think it says more about Vegas than it does about me, to be fair. It's just a waste of... Like, if you were in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a diabetic, would you go, this is better or worse than normal? Yeah, it would really... I think they're the two closest things that... That's the best analogy I've heard.

It's the first time you've made an analogy on this show that is actually, like, that makes sense. Really? Yeah. And very funny. I pride myself on my analogies. You've made a few on this show that is actually, like, that makes sense. Really? Yeah. And very funny. I pride myself on my analogies. You've made a few that have, anyway. I'm thinking quick.

So you are thinking quick, and quicker than I am today, that's for sure. And you're basically saying, you're comparing your girlfriend, and probably every man's girlfriend, To Willy Wonka. To just fucking shit, like ruining stuff. Um, no. That's the vibe I'm getting. Taking away fun. No, I wouldn't have said that.

I would have just said that, you know, when in Vegas, don't bring your girlfriend. That's the vibe I'm getting. Taking away fun. No. I wouldn't have said that. I would have just said that, you know, when in Vegas, don't bring your girlfriend. That's the old saying. I am bringing my girlfriend, but worse, and again, back to this groom, he is a non-drinker, no drugs, no nothing. Why is he going to Vegas? That is worse. My girlfriend will be a ton of fun compared to that. Yeah.

Why is he going to Vegas then? Because the tattoos, you know. What do you mean? The tattoos lead you there. Neon tattoos? No. It's just like some... Tattoos with poker machines in them?

I'm going to make this connection. Tattoos and sort of, you know, slick back hair. Elvis. Okay. Then Vegas. I don't know. There's some sort of connection. That is stupid.

There's those three things. I don't know. Do you understand what I mean? Is that rockabilly? Something to do with Vegas. I don't really know. Trash. Trashy sort of.

Yeah. And probably. Imagery and. One of those chapel type things, you know. Right. Shotgun wedding. Where are you staying? Have you got your hotel booked?

Yeah. What hotel? Can you say? Oh, I can't say it on the radio station. Yeah, right. Can't give away any. I can't remember. Oh, what?

Is it one of the big ones? Is it like the Palazzo or is it the MGM or is it the... It's where Grant's staying. Oh, of course. Well, that would be the... Who's Grant? Grant's the group. I don't remember.

Why do you ask? Do you have a... No, I just wondered because that's what people always ask. When I went to Vegas, people would ask me and there's certain hotels that are like the creme de la creme

of any hotel anywhere. I think West End would be MGM. If it's not in Ocean's Eleven, I'm not going to know what you're talking about. Is that your extent? Yeah. I went to an Italian-themed one. I can West Nile BMG and Van. If it's not in Ocean's Eleven, I'm not going to know what you're talking about. Is that your extent? Yeah. I went to an Italian-themed one.

I can't remember. The Venetian. Of course I remember because they've been emailing me every week from then on. Did you say you went there or you stayed there? Stayed there. Okay. Venetian.

And you went there. And I went there, yeah. It's hard not to do both, isn't it? Yeah, that's good. I'm glad we kept it. Yeah, so I went there and it was like an Italian-themed sort of place, and on the second or third floor, it's like Venice,

and there's an indoor river moat. A canal. Yeah, and the sky is painted. I mean, the ceiling is painted as a sky, and you look up, and if you look sort of vaguely, it really does feel like you're outside, and somehow birds have got in there through the lift or through the lobby or whatever so there are birds on the third floor

thinking that they're outside and trying to fly around and literally you can see them just walking around completely flummoxed and probably going to die on the floor like they have got no idea what's going on and it's pretty sad this to me just kind of sounds like the food court at Chadston. Yeah. No, but see the sky, filthy birds everywhere. Oh, you have to. I have to go. I've been to High Point. Take your girlfriend when you get back from Vegas.

That's where I took, I went to a lot of Bucks nights at Chadston, so. I, this is something I kind of wanted to ask you guys about. It happened today. Are you ready? I'm ready. I've got better things to do in here, recording a podcast. wanted to ask you guys about. It happened today. Mm-hmm. Are you ready? I'm ready. I've got better things to do in here recording a podcast. But anyway, you're okay. I'm not quite ready.

I want to share something. If I told you guys the story, I've also talked about this on radio, and I've tried to put it into, it's going to be like a cornerstone of my new show. Just tell the story. Well, it's about the dead dog and the guy stealing a dead dog. Have you heard about this? Just quickly before we get to that. You weren't ready.

You haven't told us what are you planning for the Bucks to do? It's probably just going to be karaoke. He doesn't drink, like I said. It's got to be a Sunday afternoon. What about a trip to the aquarium? See the hammerheads? They've got hammerheads in there at the moment, don't they?

Do they? What about you go and see Gulliver's Travels? In 3D? What, 15 men? Yep. What about you go and see Gulliver's Travels in 3D? In 3D? Yeah, that could be. What, 15 men? Yeah. Kung fu. Kung fu artists.

Kung fu. Kung fu artists. Kung fuers. Yeah, kung fuies. Five words. I don't know. Meet the parents, little fuckers. Sit around a DVD.

Is that in 3D? Oh, I doubt it. Although, what isn't these days? Am I right? Yeah. Hey, what a trend. Is that in 3D? Oh, I doubt it. Although, what isn't these days? Am I right? Yeah. Hey, what a trend. Satire. Okay, so all that build up just to tell us that you do it, Harry.

A lot of things are in 3D, aren't they now? Yeah. Did I tell you the funniest thing we've been doing at work? No. Just as an aside. Go. Saying to customers, this is not like, my friend Mark and I were reminiscing about it. This is at your skate shop.

This is at the skate shop at Old Mate Skateys. Fast Times. Fast Times. Yeah Skateys. Fast Times. Fast Times. Yeah, Fast Times. Fast Times. Does Sean Penn ever come in? Say it again. No, Oprah did.

Oprah didn't. She didn't at all, but we talk about it as though she did. We used to say, this was two years ago, we'd ask customers, we'd try and swear at a customer without them noticing. You know what I mean? That's pretty good. Like calling them a fuckhead or a cockhead. Like, oh, hey, how you doing there?

Do you fuckheads need any help with anything? And we've done that a few times. And my friend and I were laughing about that and we were saying, what's something else we could do? Do the cockhead bit. Do the other bit. It's the same thing. It's just go, hey, cockheads, do you need any help there?

No, you'd fudge that more. Do it again. No, it's like, hey, cockettes, are you right with everything? You couldn't say it like that. I've said it, cockettes. You couldn't say it like that. Like, get away with it. Hey, cockettes, you haven't even merged that into something.

You've just hung it out there to dry. Yeah, you just go, hey, cockettes, what can I do for you? And they'll say, oh, just trying these on. Thank you. All right. The problem with it is, though, is you're just blurring the head. So it just makes it sound like you're saying fuck and cock. Yeah.

You're getting rid of the least offensive part of the word. You just sort of mumble it a bit, but you're still swearing at them. They'd want to be better than that. That's what we do. Okay, I think this is better. We were reminiscing about it. How's business going? Christmas was good.

Well, it's not. Anyway, but we were reminiscing about that, about how maybe we try and call. We try and swear at them, we'd say, right? We did this the other day. Imagine I'm greeting you as a customer. We honestly have said this to customers. Families. You have to target the younger, someone younger often.

What are their skate families? Or different ethnic groups. The skig cartridge family. We would say this hey do you need a handjob with anything there

we've said that you don't even blur it we don't even blur that one honestly we tend to do it to last time I

saw it done was to a group of Asian dudes and we just assume that they won't pick it up it's based

on racism yeah but we said it to a family as well yeah like hey do you need a handjob there or are you pretty right? And they just, either they, if they do notice, they just keep going. I don't know. Is it just because you put in that classic shop voice, hey, do you need a...

Hey, mate. Hey. Need a handjob. What would you do if someone said, I'd love a handjob? You say, oh, what can I have? Yeah. You assume that they're... Drop the globes and I'll drop my pants.

Drop the globes and run. Yeah. Drop those vans. Yeah. Sketches. Put your cap on the right way. But my friend called me out and he said, what do you do if you do get caught saying that? Yeah.

And I said, I don't know. I just, I hope it doesn't happen. And he said, you could say, he's like, what did you just say? You could say, I said, do you need a hand? This is my job. And my friend did that the other day. He did not. So he got caught out and he said that.

No, he didn't get caught out. He just said that for no reason. He just walked up to a group of customers and said, hey, do you need a hand there? This is my job. Like with an exclamation mark at the end. That's good. This is my job.

It's something you do, Carl. I reckon that is almost weirder. That is much weirder. That's just juvenile, but that is bizarre. That's funny. Carl, I would love it if that became your catchphrase on stage after every one of your jokes and the audience laughs. You just go, this is my job.

After every single joke. At the end of my gig, I could say, can I have a hand? This is my job. I like it. I like it a lot. Are you on tonight, Carl? I'm not. You are, though.

So you have to say it. Do you want me to say it? Yeah, you've got a gig tonight. If I could get a big hand. Yeah. This is my job. This is my job. That's great.

Yeah, I'll try it tonight. Yeah. Are you going to be there? Yeah. Yeah, cool. I'm coming. Are you on, Carl? I'm not on Carl.

You're not Carl, are you? Nor am I on, comma, Carl. That's funny. Anyway, but can I tell you this other thing? Yes. About the dog. Please do. In fact, I insist.

There's a story. This guy got back from overseas. Can I just say that you have the least momentum out of any guest we've ever had in here. Yeah, it's like I'm trying to write a show. They're always like that. It's just choppy waters today. I know. Well, I didn't expect this to be that crash hot.

I hope. You're blaming us. I don't know why you'd have any kind to be that crash on. I hope. You're blaming us. I don't know why you'd have any kind of expectations based on the fact that you haven't listened to it.

You guys are good. You're good riffers. I'm not very good at just talking just for the sake of it. You're good for full stops. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Silence is golden. You're good for finishing something. Gold boy. So, this... So, for the 18th time... This guy got back...

We've probably got to go soon, anyway. This guy got back from... This is absolutely true, okay? Uh-huh. He got back from the United States. A friend, a guy I know, not really that well. He said, oh, hey, check this out. This girl I was hanging out with in New York,

she was looking after her grandparents' house, house-sitting, and she was asked to look after the dog as well. She hosted a big party at this house. Have I not told you this, girl? No? It doesn't matter. Okay. Hosted a big party.

There was drugs and drinking. The dog that she was looking after apparently got into a backpack, someone's backpack, and ate a whole bunch of ecstasy tablets, right? The dog died throughout the night. She freaked out the next day, saw the dead dog, realized what had happened, decides to take the dog died throughout the night she freaked out the next day saw the dead dog realized what had happened decides to take the dog like to bury it like probably somewhere else like at her house that way she could thinking maybe i can buy another dog or say it ran away whatever right this is um paraphrasing what i'd heard uh she goes to get on like the subway or

something this is in new york she goes to walk up some stairs or something. She's struggling with a few bags. One of these, like a duffel bag, contains this dead dog. Weird, this man, who she describes as a nice-looking man, a reasonable-looking man, offered her some help. Are you right with getting up the stairs? I guess the subway would be downstairs, most likely.

Anyway. A little bit of info. Sub being underneath. Anyway, it's a good story. Now, anyway, this guy... So, you said she's in the subway. When's she going to start ordering a sandwich? What's going on here?

That happens later. Oh. Why would you interrupt Quirk when he's telling a story? Why do you interrupt something bad? He's got that covered. Interrupt something bad with something bad. Oh. Possibly worse.

Go. No, no, no. Go. I don't know what she had. Possibly worse. Go. No, no, no. Go. I don't know what she had to eat that day. Go. She said, this guy goes, oh, do you need any help there? Are you okay?

She goes, oh, yeah, sure. If you could just help me down the stairs, that'd be great. He grabs the bag and then fucks off with it. He's a thief and stole the bag. Anyway, and I thought that's a funny story. I'd retold it. I'd tried to put punchlines about, you know, what would have happened after that, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, since then, I've told someone else, and they said, oh, that happened to a friend

of mine. And I'm like, oh, God, it probably is one of those urban myths. Oh, Jesus Christ. Take it. No. It'd probably be good. No. Go.

Hang on, hang on. And? Don't. Go. You should leave that in, actually. Don't edit that out. You'd probably be good. No. Go. Hang on, hang on. And? Don't. Go. You should leave that in, actually. Don't edit that out. You probably edit this out.

My subway comment was bad, but that's just downright. It's all right. Hey, Carlton, I thought I bothered to put mine on silent. Yeah. Yeah. We'll talk about this later. Yeah. Anyway, so someone's told you that they've heard the story from a different source.

And then I realised that those two people sort of did know each other, so I thought it was probably the same story. And then today, this is months ago, and today I got a call, because I told this story, with Sam Simmons. It all comes full circle. On the radio a few weeks before Christmas. It seemed to be funny then, whatever. I got a call today from someone at triple j that said oh did you do a story on with sam simmons about a dead dog and someone's stealing a dead dog and i said um yes and i'm thinking about trying to put into my show it's hopefully going to be a good part of my show

and he i go yes and he goes right could you tell me the story and i i said oh look um right what do you mean like i mean i thought it might have been some sort of weird urban legend. Before I told any of the story, he goes, I go, why do you ask? And he goes, oh, because it's been going around and I – this same thing happened to a friend of mine in the UK. And I'm like, okay, yeah. And he goes, we're thinking about talking about it with Tom and Alex in the morning tomorrow about urban legends. So I had to resolve myself that it's probably some urban legend. Right.

And blah, blah, blah. The weird thing was the more I thought about it, when this guy came back from New York and I said, hey, could you give me some sort of more details about that story that happened in New York? And he goes, no, no, it didn't happen in New York. It happened in Sydney. And I'm like, oh, God.

I speak to someone else. They go, no, it didn't happen in Sydney. It happened in Shepparton. Yeah. The subway in Shepparton. That's very – I'm fascinated by those kind of urban legends. That's disappointing when – because hearing a story like that that you love and then having it – I had a similar thing where a friend told me

that a girl at his work had had a party. So this is like – the stories come from only one step removed from him. She's had a party, lives in a family lives in a big like mansion her parents go away she has a big party um it gets out of control um a couple have anal sex on one of the couches he pulls out shit goes all over the couch so the couch is stained she cleans everything else up but you know can't clean the couch the parents come home see that the couch is destroyed, and to protect herself, she said,

oh, the dog came in and had eaten something bad and shat all over the couch. Yeah, so she thinks she's gotten away with it. And then someone steals the dog. Well, no, she came back, and the parents had had the dog put down as, like, a thing. So I heard this moment, and I went, that is fucking awful and hilarious.

And I, like, told everyone, and I was so into it being a real thing. And then, yeah, someone from, was like, oh, this happened to someone I know in Brisbane and told it back to me. And then just my world came crumbling down. And then you also started thinking about that friend of a friend that had dreadlocks that found a big nest of redback spiders in there. Yeah. And then I heard.

You know what's weird is I was the dude in that. That actually, I was that actually... You fucked the girl. That pulled out. It was quite a scene. And I was the guy who killed the dog. You're the girl's dad. But yeah, it is. I mean, like any kind of urban legend or story like that,

and people always want to go, that's not real and really get into you about it. But I always... The minute I hear something like that that is pertained to be real, I'm happy to just switch off and go, you know what? Let's just say it's real. Cool story. It doesn't matter either way.

As long as dogs are being killed and spiders are being found in men's hair. And as long as there's a man with a hook out there on the loose, that's all that matters. There's one other one I'm thinking of. I was disappointed not to see that. You know, the guy in the dreadlocks has been running around. Oh, James De Silva. Yeah, I was disappointed I didn't see him when I found out he got caught the other day in Richmond. In Richmond, yeah.

And I'm like, that was on my tram route. Like, I'm a bit disappointed I didn't see him. You were reading the articles, how absurd they were. I'm not familiar with this. Really? Yeah. You didn't follow this? No.

This crazy guy, you'd know his face if you saw it. Crazy guy with dreadlocks and there's something a bit wrong with him, but he's been on the loose. He's schizophrenic. Yeah. He attacked the police all the time. What, do you know him or what? No, no, no.

I'll just make a little inroad. Yep. That guy that says the handjob things that I work with, he went to school with this guy. Right. They're both 32 years old and he was found out in Healesville, right? Yep. And he was covering 30km a night So he was some bushman

Like He's not even a bushman No one could catch him What he was doing was He was running through the bush And he was covering 30km a night And he was like really fast And the police reports at night

Would go Oh we nearly caught him again But then he just ran away from us What Yeah like it was idiotic It's very funny He was in bare feet as well It should be pointed out

It sounds like a modern day road runner And Wile E. Coyote. It was like Fugitive. It should be pointed out that the reason why he was running is he stabbed a policeman eight times. But apart from that, he wasn't known as violent. It was a feel-good story apart from that. It was quite funny apart from that. He was everybody's friend.

He was like a little roadrunner, but with a stab. Angry. With an acme knife. But with the stab. Angry. With an acne knife. Yeah. So they caught him. They caught him, but they caught him in Swan Street, Richmond. Right. In a 7-Eleven.

Right. And it wasn't before they caught another guy that looked exactly the same. Oh, really? Yeah, another dreadlock guy. They thought, we've got him. We've got Jimmy DeSilva. They started calling him Jimmy. Oh, they got real familiar.

Yeah, it was weird. And then they realized that this wasn't, in fact, Jimmy DeSilva. He had all the dreadlocks, the got real familiar. Yeah, it was weird. And then they realised that this wasn't in fact Jimmy De Silva. He had all the dreadlocks, the hair, everything. He was covering 30k a night. Then they realised it wasn't Jimmy De Silva because he was wearing hiking boots. That's funny to be... That's all you need is a disguise to put shoes on and they're like, this story doesn't check out.

Let him go. The article actually said, we've never seen Jimmy DeSilva wearing hiking boots, so we know it's not him. And they let this other guy go. I'm not shitting you. The police sketch artist just focused on the feet rather than the head. Pretty fast. It's an amazing story.

I encourage anyone who has bothered to listen this far into it, into this podcast, to look up the Age website or something and find out about James DeSilva. A lot of people would know. He had a crazy headshot as well. It was all over the place. I don't know how this has bypassed me.

That's funny, though, to be covering 30k in a night and then get done just in a 7-Eleven buying a Swerpy. Yeah, because they said he had a sweet tooth. He would nearly get caught all the time because he'd just go into a shop and be crazy. And everyone knew who he was because he was barefooted, as they'd seen the Identikit, and the dreadlocks. And then he was just stealing Caramello koalas.

Yeah, that's literally true. He'd break in and steal them. Yeah. They could barely tell it had been broken into because hardly anything was missing except for maybe a Kit Kat. Yeah, a few Redskins going, but nothing. They didn't recognize him at first because he had a pair of those lolly teeth in. That was his big disguise.

Yeah, it was a good story. It was pretty good. Is he from Maryborough? Because this sounds suspiciously like a story that you would tell from your hometown. Yeah. Hey, we've talked on the show before about Carl's stories from his small town. You're from the country. Yep.

You got any stories of weirdos or I imagine you would be the weirdo. Yeah, yeah. There's other people from your town. How many people in your town? Thanks, mate. How many people in your town? I don't know. I couldn't tell you, but I can tell you roughly like what there is in the town. Yeah, I wasn't looking for an exact. There might be a thousand. I don't know. It could be 500. It There might be a thousand. I don't know. It could be 500. It could be 2,000. I have no idea. Do you have a main street? Like, how many blocks in the main street?

There's a post office. There is a, you know, a post office within, you know, a milk bar. Right. Where you break in and steal your kit kast to keep you going. Yep. There's a pub and there's a general store. That's about it. Oh, that's it?

Really? And a ski hire. Yeah, so it's small. That is small. Yeah. And ski hire. Well, it's in general store. That's about it. Oh, that's it? Really? And a ski hire. Yeah, so it's small. That is small. Yeah. And ski hire. Well, it's in the mountains. Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't do well. How far are we broadcasting? Are we just going just outside this room? Like, how many people? Does this go around the world? Everyone who listens to it has to come into this room. It's on the internet. It's on the internet.

That's worldwide, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of countries have it now. At what age did you move to Melbourne? I was 17. Okay. Yeah, and my 18th birthday was like two weeks later. Oh, wow. Big one? No, it wasn't at all. I

didn't even drink back then. You said before that you didn't drink. When did you start drinking? I was sober at my 21st. Wow. So I didn't, yeah, probably late, maybe 22. And what, you were straight edge? Is that straight edge? I coincided with the straight edge thing straight edge thing, but I'm not a straight edge guy. What pushed you over the edge? What made you start drinking? What made you blue those edges? I was just bored one day. No, I'm serious. I was just bored. I remember saying to this guy who was at my house, this bogan from Geelong, I said, I wonder what it feels like to be drunk, right? I was 22. And then he goes, then it was like just, it would be like saying

to you guys if I didn't drink now. It's just like, what? Oh my God, we've got to get hammered. And so, and I didn't,

I didn't have quite a taste for beer. So I had, he filled me up, and now I regret this. He filled me up on, you know, bourbon and Coke

and stuff that I really hate now. Party. Yeah. And girly, you know, those lolly water top drinks. UDLs and cruises and breezes. Passion pop. That sort of stuff.

Stones ginger beer. And now, yeah, the Bond Scott drink. I hate that. That's something I drank when I was 16 and now it's like you cannot touch that again. Stones, how do you drink it straight? Yeah, Stones ginger beer. That's what Bond Scott died drinking. Stones ginger wine.

Yeah, that's Bond Scott. Oh, really? That's what he apparently died choked on Really? That night I can see how someone would choke on it and die But not Bon Scott Yeah, not him

I've never heard of it Really? Does it still exist? It's cheap, yeah it's still around It's cheap and it's atrocious Right It's a real passion pop Did you drink passion pop?

No What did you drink when you were 16 like last week? See let me see if I can remember. What did I start drinking? I think the Woodstocks. Bourbon and Coke. Is that what you will drink on your 16th? That's what I'll drink on my 16th, yeah.

Hanging out at a park, getting all the kids to buy alcohol. Woodstocks, yeah. We had a lot of times where, you know, the classic, you'd drink in a park and you'd get, you know, whoever outside the bottle shop to buy booze for you. And I always had this thing, if I ever got asked to buy it for young people, I'd do it. And I was walking past a bottle shop near my house once and there was a group of kids at the front and they were like, excuse me, mate, can you go in there and get us a bottle of Father O'Leary's Velvet Cream?

And I went, all right, kids, I'll do it. And then, so one of them starts to give me money and then one of their mates goes, look at him, he doesn't look like he's 18. He's not fucking 18, is he? I went, do you want your beer? Do you want your booze or not? Do you want your velvet cream? And then one of them goes, show me your ID.

Give me his ID. The kid's giving me money. He's getting carded by 15-year-olds. Carded by 15-year-olds. In the park. That's awesome. Yeah, and I just went, you know what? The deal's off.

And then I walked off, and then they were yelling at me going, fuck you, you fucking asshole. And I'm like, I became what I hated. And I'm like, I used to... We'll see you back at school, mate. Fuck you, young man. We'll come down to the little school and beat you up. I used to, because I used to do, I always used to, you know, when you'd ask people to buy booze for you and they wouldn't,

we'd always use, yeah, fuck you, man. I went, I'm never going to be that guy. And I'm not going to... That is so wrong. Wrong. It's all backwards. Yeah, it hurt. It hurt a lot.

Little young man. Little Tommy. Take it as a compliment. I guess. You know. I guess. You know, you can still be insulted by the youth. Yeah.

You can't really take that as a compliment. You don't look a day over 16. Yeah. I don't know. Hey, what about this? Last night, I may get in trouble for saying this, but anyway, does this show go out? Sorry. Yeah.

Last night, my girlfriend went, she popped out, and I said, oh, what are you doing popping out? She goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to help my sister prepare for a date. I went, oh, yeah, okay. How do you help someone prepare for a date? And she said, oh, I'm going to go and help her design her outfit and talk about what she's going to do on this date and whatever. I'm like, oh, okay. What sort of date? How old is she? Older or younger? Older. Older. So she's like late 30s or something. So apparently she needs help preparing for a date. So she met someone on the internet.

Might be why she's single. She needs all this help. Yeah. I think that's kind of what was implied by Carl's time. She met someone on the internet. So they've been talking back and forth and whatever. And that's how things work these days, I guess. And anyway, so my girlfriend goes over, helps her prepare.

She comes back and sort of my girlfriend's like, gee, I wonder what's going to happen. Like, I hope it goes well. You know, I'm going to ring her after the date. You know, they're going to go on this date about 8 o'clock. So by about 10, 30, 11, hopefully I'll get a call. And, you know, it'll be exciting. I'm really excited. And she was actually quite revved up about it.

I'm like, okay. So anyway, she gets a call at 9 o'clock and she goes this is not a good sign so she answers it in front of me so i just hear one half of the conversation obviously and she's going oh what what happened what are you ringing me at nine o'clock for what are you okay okay okay calm down calm down all right don, don't go crazy. All right, what? Just slow down. Slow down.

What happened? No, what happened? Oh, what an arsehole. Oh, what an arsehole. Oh, what an arsehole. So the story had gone that he just rocked up and sort of had a look at her and gone, okay, no, I'm out. And just gone, look, I'm just going to go and whatever.

Oh, my God. Yeah, really full on. Yeah. And so she's really upset about it, obviously. And I can hear my girlfriend trying to, you know, calm her and whatever. And she's like, okay, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Look, it probably is just because he wasn't attracted to you at all.

And I'm like shaking my hands and jumping at her going, do not say that. Like that's the only, it's not like don't worry. That's the only thing you worry about. That's all it is. Just a little hiccup. That's all it is. Don't worry. Don't worry.

It's just that someone has been so repulsed in the one second that you've spent together that they've left. Yeah. You're just awful in every way. Not a big deal. Don't worry. There's no redeeming features about you. Don't worry.

People on the street see you and don't want to meet you. Jeez. Good on her. Why good on her? I'm being stupid. She's a truth teller, just like one D quirk. Yeah. That's right.

Good old truth. Yeah. Truthsy. I don't know. Yeah, that's right. Good old truth. Yeah. Truthsy. I don't know. Yeah, that is crazy, Carlos. That's not good. Tell me what you're thinking about this one. So I went to a concert last night with my girlfriend.

Oh, the Rapture? No, the National. Oh, same thing. Found the National. Well. It was a Christmas gift to her. I bought two. I did the thing where I bought-

We covered this on the show. Yeah, yeah. And there's more to the saga, but it's still kind of... It's still ongoing. It's still unfurling, even after the gig. I'd know if I'd listened, right? Yeah, no, I'll talk about it more later when it's all resolved and there's actually a full story there.

Anyway, so we go to the concert last night, and, you know, that part was fine. We had good seats. The concert was really great. And where were we at with it, though? What do you mean? Oh, so you went to the National, yeah? Yeah, it concert last night and that part was fine. We had good seats. The concert was really great. And where were we at with it though? What do you mean? Oh, so you went to the National, yeah? Yeah, it was last night.

It was last night. And it worked out fine? Yeah, it worked out fine. Basically, I – so I – look, I bought a ticket off Gumtree. I thought it was two tickets. It was one. Tom Ballard was there when I found out. He was like, I can get you on the door.

I can get you an extra ticket. So then we had two tickets, but they were seated separately. It was allocated seating, and they're on separate sides of the venue. So I then thought, well, there's a bit of time. I'll get on Gumtree, and I'll be able to find – Two more. I'll have time to find two next to each other, and then I'll sell that extra one anyway.

So this guy gets on to me. He goes, I've got four, this much, or you can have them separately. I went, well, I'll just get two. He goes, sweet, I'm in sale. Can you drop the money off to me? And I went, no, I'm not driving up to sale to drop money off. Can I just do it over the net? And he goes, I race greyhounds and I have a TAB account

that the trainer deposits the money into when they win. Here's my account number and my pin so you can put the money into there and i kind of think this is a bit weird but at the same time it's kind of so weird that how would like i don't know how and why like it's so insanely elaborate that i just kind of went along with it so i did it and then the next day i get an email from him saying yep here they are and there's no attachment on the email. And then I write back and go, dude, there's nothing here. Another day goes by with nothing. And this is like previous to this I'd been emailing him and he'd write back 15 minutes later.

Get to the end of that day, he writes back again going, oh, sorry about that, here they are, again, no attachment. And I go, dude, what's going on? That day Ballard calls me and goes, hey, I can actually get you two tickets, so there's two on the door for you now. And I think, okay, cool. But then this guy then writes back to me the next day and goes, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Give me your bank details and I'll give you back the money. And I'm like going, so what do you mean? There's no tickets? Like, what's going on? Anyway, here's my bank account details. And it's been three days and I haven't heard anything from him. So I'm starting to feel like I've gotten the old Rodney Ripoff artist. I was about to try and make a funny joke there, but that's just a sad story.

But it all worked out in the end. Like, we just wanted to use Ballard's tickets. Yeah, and I was about to try and make a funny joke there but that's just a sad story but it all worked out in the end we just wanted to use Ballard's tickets and I was able to sell that extra one you can still make jokes about it it's just Deslo

being down a couple hundred of bucks the way I look at it the way I look at it we make good money doing this the way I look at it is you know

I paid for two tickets they didn't come through but then I got two tickets for free so you know what I mean it kind of just someone got to bet on the Greyhounds as well. Win-win-win.

You should have seen the lack of connection between Greyhound racing and indie pop music. Given the fact that it's very hindsight is 2020, what should have tipped me off was the perhaps untrustworthy assumption of a man with the email address doggylover69.com. Look, in retrospect, look, I can sit here now and looking back into the past and say that's no good. Did he open up the email by saying, we have fled from Nigeria? We just need... We wanted to see the National, but now we have to flee back to Nigeria. Hey, here's something else. You would not be familiar with this, David, but...

Is it something? Has it been on the show? Previous, yeah. Yeah. Previous listeners of the show will know. Is it something in the modern world? Yes. Okay, hit me.

Therefore, it's beyond your expertise. Blow my mind. So I have been living with my cousin in a house in North Carlton for a while. I know what you mean. And she's moved. She's moved out about a week ago and I'm now living with a couple. And this is my – Oh. Yeah.

Keep going. Okay. I just thought you had more. No, no, no, no. I'm just – I'm awaiting what's happening. This marks my first experience living with people whom I don't previously know. Okay, right, right. Previous to them moving in.

And it's actually been fine so far. She is from Sweden and her parents are out here. So if they're not at work, they've been doing stuff with the parents. I actually haven't seen. How long has it been? A week, Les? It's been, yeah, just over a week. So the first, I got back from New Year's Eve last Sunday,

and I came in and no one was home. And I thought, okay, cool. I'm going to sit on the couch. I'm going to chill out. I'm going to watch an episode of The Shield. Have you watched any of The Shield? No. You haven't?

No. It's a cop show. It's great. It's quite intense and quite graphic when it wants to be and really quite dark. So I'm sitting down. I'm watching that and it gets up to a point where there is a quite violent and graphic quite dark. So I'm sitting down, I'm watching that, and it gets up to a point where there is a quite violent and graphic rape scene.

So I'm watching that, at which point new female housemate comes into the room to meet me for the first time, does the introduction, hey, how was your New Year's, whilst in the background there's just this chick. Did you have your pants on? Yeah, just this chick screaming for her life like really really intense like getting choked and if you didn't know i'm watching a tv show this would

just look like it's fucking come out of me personal collection you know yeah so she so she we have this kind of awkward discussion of her going hey yeah yeah hey it was news and then she's sort of kind of looking at the screen a bit weird and all i could think to say was just gee sunday night tv has gone to the dogs, hasn't it? And then she just kind of went, well, I want... So anyway, I kind of go, well, that's good to get that kind of weird moment out of the way because surely that's an inevitability that something... Yeah, that someone's going to walk in on you watching rape on TV.

We all come to that point. Yeah, so anyway, it's... Don't want to dastardly. So it's the next morning and I'm in the shower and she's accidentally walked in on me in the shower. An even more graphic, horrifying scene. Yeah, this is not even 12 hours after. And I'm like, oh, Monday morning TV's gone to the dogs.

Oh, it's not the same. Yeah, trying to make a little gag. Because I feel like if you walk in on someone in kind of some act like that, or if you've been discovered, like if someone walks in and you're having sex, or whatever it may be, I kind of feel like you both know what's happened. Just take it head on and just throw the gags out there about it. But then that's one school of thought. Obviously, a lot of people feel the exact opposite.

They didn't think that in Sweden. Yeah, so I was trying to make zingers about it, and she was clearly very uncomfortable about the whole thing. You're probably making jokes about your dick and

she's like, let's forget the whole thing. Zingers in the nude. No, no, don't go, I've got a few more jokes.

Hang on, I've got a bit of puppetry of the penis that I could try out on you. Look at this one, he's waving at

you. Yeah, let me just rewind what I was watching last night and get the full effect. Well, that brings us to the end of another edition of The Little Dumb Dumb Club.

I want to thank David Quirk for joining us. Thank you. Very quickly before we head off out of here, I just want to plug my debut stand-up comedy CD, Sonic Reach Around, is available now on iTunes. It's an hour-long gig that I recorded last year. And as a treat for Dumb Dumb fans, you can hear Carl Chandler in the background laughing

when I stuff up a couple of jokes. Laughing at the wrong bits. Laughing at the wrong bits, which is good. So check that out. Formed live down the road. Yeah, the Order of Melbourne. The Order of Melbourne, yeah. Check that out.

It's on iTunes. It's called Sonic Reach Around. Pop that in. I did a gig before he recorded the CD, but that didn't make it on the CD. No. Just chucking jokes out there for no reason. Just unrecorded. That gig doesn't exist for me anymore

A little dumb dumb Anyway folks that's the end of another episode Thanks so much for joining us Tune in again next week and we'll see you soon See you mates