The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 120 - Eddie Perfect & Josh Earl

Episode Date: January 9, 2013

Lifeline, Serena Williams and Haiku.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. That scraping sound that sounds like someone running a garden gnome across a desk is actually you moving a microphone. Don't give it away.

What about this? On the way here, I've got the tram here, and tram pulls up next to me. I get through the door that's next to the driver's little bit. Yep. I get halfway through the door, and the door just shuts on me, and the driver kind of does nothing, so I'm, like, trapped there, and he's he's just looking at me and then i walked off how's that for a start to your morning um well it's it's as good a start as i was looking around we're look we're in a different studio today as in we're in a studio yes i thought it was quite fitting we've got a sign just

just behind me with a 24-hour suicide prevention hotline poster so uh, if we're struggling through the middle of this episode, you know who to call. Yeah, which makes me think, I mean, I don't know if we should name where we're in, but it makes me think how bad are the shows that normally go on in this room? I'd like to think that someone stuck that up five minutes ago when we made the booking to come in here. But here's something quickly we've ignored for a few weeks.

Nick Cody's birthday is 112 days ago 112 days to go when this episode comes out until nick cody's birthday so what that's got to be less than six months away that's got to be a lot less than six months away that's like three and a half months away okay yeah, yeah, great. Which is technically less than six months. Technically correct, yes. So it's heating up. It's getting closer. You'd better be thinking about what you're going to get him.

Have the messages from Karen Cody started yet? Yeah, what do you mean started? Oh, okay. They never stop. They never stop. I got a very lovely Merry Christmas message from Karen Cody. Yeah, she doesn't have a lot to do. Are we going to do something for the birthday? Should we have a live podcast from nick cody's birthday i think we should yeah

we should definitely do so well we can't hype what i mean we've got it there's got to be some payoff yeah because what's the payoff otherwise just it's today no no anyway the payoff is so anyway 364 days till nick cody's birthday what else is happening uh okay well let's get thinking maybe people can send us suggestions for what we can do as some kind of special event for Nick Cody's birthday. Yeah, I think we just do a birthday party, hey? Okay. Invite all of the friends of the show and friends of Nick Cody.

Okay, great. And Karen. I think that would be the good thing. Should we have Karen on the show? I think we should. That sounds great. I think we probably... If we do a special birthday edition for Nick Cody,

I don't think we'll be able to stop Karen from being on the show. Yeah, she'll find out. Yeah. So 112 days to go until Karen Cody makes her little dum-dum club debut. Until you see a drunk woman walk into a room of 100 people and make a fool of herself, I'd say. That's the official countdown now. Today on the show, two returning guests, two of our faves.

First of all, you know him from the Lime Champions podcast. You may have seen him on Talking About Your Generation or Spicks and Specks. Welcome back in the little dum-dum club, Josh Earle. Amanda's got access to a studio. That's right. That's right. That's why we're in here. You're sitting in the equivalent seat that I would normally be sitting in in our old studio.

It's weird. It's like someone else is in control of our show. I normally be sitting in in our old studio. It's weird. It's like someone else is in control of our show. I feel like a guest on my own show. Yeah. It feels weird for me to be sitting here having someone else do the show because this is where I usually do my show on the radio. Not just a podcast, Tommy. You always say it's just a podcast.

Yeah. It actually goes out on the air. Oh, okay. I'm terribly sorry. So, yeah, but it's good. It's good to be here. Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks.

I don't think it's the only reason why we got you in here, just because you've got access to a studio. I've also got a car. But it is. And what have you got for lunch after this? Also returning to the program after a very long absence, you know him from Offspring. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Eddie Perfect.

It's so good to be here. Yeah, you don't even have access to a studio and we asked you in. I don't. You are special. That suicide prevention thing is really freaking me out because you're supposed to turn off your phone when you come in here. Yeah. And then it says call Lifeline if you're thinking of killing yourself.

What do you do? I mean, if you're prone to suicide but you also don't like breaking rules. Yeah. And because also, you know, the iPhone, most people have iPhones now, they take quite some time to turn on. So let's say you're in here and you are thinking about killing yourself. You go to turn the phone on to make the call. That's a lot of time in there that you could actually commit the deed.

You could actually kill yourself in that time. And, you know, when you've got no reception on your phone and you can only make the sos call can you do that can you ring lifeline on sos that's for josh has tried that's when there's dead air on the radio you gotta oh it's dead oh no okay we'll cut that that's fine sure we are the host now we can do whatever you want yeah um yeah i did that sos only thing only thing, that bugs me because it's like, so I can make calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

If you have the technology to do that, surely everyone's phone can have four bars. I'm in the bush and I need mushrooms. That's an SOS. Yeah. Call Davo for me. Yeah, you're just stopping me from calling my mum to see what's for dinner while I'm at Flagstaff Station.

Yeah. That actually doesn't make any sense. You either have reception to be able to use a mobile phone device or you don't. Yeah. Like SOS only. Yeah. Saying that, yeah, we can actually connect your call to an emergency service, but you can't talk to anyone else.

Yeah. Because you're in an elevator. Yeah. It's the same with flights. You should be able to have your phone on during a flight. Because I met a flight attendant and I asked her, why do you have to close the windows? Oh, yeah.

Or why do you have to open the windows on all the landing? And that's because for people outside, if the windows are closed, it means something's wrong with the plane. Oh, really? Yeah. What, even when you're in the air? No. No, do you know what? On landing, you have to have the windows open. Yeah, plane. Oh, really? Yeah. What, even when you're in the air? No. Do you know on landing you have to have the windows open?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to do that from ages before you start going down. Yeah, but it's so, you know. Well, that's the system they've got to tell everyone outside the plane something's wrong with it. That some fat dude in row F has got his window down. That's what she said. Don't they use the radio these days?

Shouldn't they talk to the pilot and go, is anything bad happening? Or should we just go, no, we've looked at the window shades and there is 73 murders happening on that plane. That plane that's just ploughed into a cornfield and is now in two bits. Oh, all its blinds are down. Something's up. No, the blinds are open. It's all good.

That must be a friendly crash. But she also told me that she has her phone on the entire trip and it's fine. But the reason they don't have the phones on is because they don't want to hear everyone's phone conversations. Yeah. I reckon that would annoy people. I can get on board with that.

I'm fine with that. Yeah. You know? If you could talk on your phone on the plane, it'd be a nightmare. But there's no difference for me sitting with someone and talking to them the whole time as well. Why is that any different to someone talking on the phone because the likelihood is that you'd be sat next to someone you hate or at least don't know but with your phone you've got an infinite

amount of people that you could know that you could have a conversation with that would be annoying to overhear who doesn't travel with headphones now like you're not going to hear anyone's conversations yeah no you yeah no you can you know, you get annoyed very quickly on a plane. Yeah, you do. Because you're in such close proximity. My girlfriend always goes on to me, like, because she's sort of got this, you know, she's got an Italian last name, but she swears that she's Italian, but it's like her grandparents were Italian or something.

She's not really Italian. She'll be like, I know. She's got an Italian last name, but she swears that she's Italian. Yeah. In the face of all the evidence. Does she call her grandparents like Nonna and Nonna? Oh, no, she doesn't. Oh, not Italian.

Not Italian. Does she make biscotti? She doesn't. Not Italian. Yeah, there you go. There's the two rules that we all live by. Not Italian. Yeah.

So she's always like, you know, oh, you Australians, you know, you like this. I'm like, what are you talking about? You were born in Malvern. Even I make biscotti and I'm pretend Italian. Yeah, definitely. So she's always on me about being racist and stuff like that. Like any excuse, she'll be like, oh, you're racist. Because, you know, us, you know, in the homeland and stuff,

I'm like, the homeland is Malvern. Shut up. So she was on a plane the other day, and that's everyone being in close proximity, and it made her racist because she came back and she just comes back and goes, oh, yeah, I had a horrible plane trip. And I'm like, how come? She goes, I hate Indian people now.

I'm like, oh, here we go. Oh, Jesus. And so she sat next to two Indian people and she goes, and they just, you know what's wrong with Indian people? They just fart all the time. And I'm like, no, you sat next to an Indian person who farted once on a plane. She's like, no, they farted the whole

time and it was that stinky Indian fart smell. And I was reading the Herald Sun and I was just reading away and then she, this woman, just tried to pull it out of my hands. So that's what Indians do all the time. No, Indians did that once. No, that's not what they do all the time. Right. No, Indians did that once.

No, that's not what they did all the time. Can I just put this out there? The worst thing you've ever said about your girlfriend on this show, of all the mocking of saying silly things, and now you're just coming in here and going, yeah, she's racist, just outing her for the horrible things that she said. She'll be happy with that.

I mean, the harmless stuff I say about her normally, she usually fumes about. So hate crime, she'll be happy with that. Will she or not? Probably I say about her normally, she usually fumes about. So hate crime, she'll be up with that. Will she or not? Probably not. What a great stitch-up. Probably not. Yeah.

But, Josh, what about this? It's tennis season. Yes. And I'm thinking about going to tennis this week. I'm going to go with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should go. We should go.

Is this the Hotman Cup? Sorry, I'm not really sure. No, that's in Perth. Australian Open is on next week. The Hotman Cup is where no one really seems to care. Apart from the people of Perth. Even when they're playing, they look like... Yeah, they even let Indians in.

It's the Adelaide fringe of the tennis world. That's it. They're still getting their game together. I'm still reeling that your girlfriend reads The Herald Sun. You're racist. No. You've been in The Herald Sun. Can I say The Herald Sun is a better paper to read on a plane?

Yeah. It is. Oh, for sure. Or anywhere in physical form. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. What's wrong with those people? Every time I meet someone from the age, I'm like, why are you...

Yes. But secondly, the age. Is it run by Indians? Why are they so big? Why have they never changed it? It's complicated. I bet it's not. I think it's just to distinguish from the

other, you know. But I agree it's difficult to read. But also it's nice to spread out a bit. It'd be good if like with FHM it's difficult to read but also it's nice to spread out a bit is it? it'd be good if like with FHM and Ralph if FHM had been like 10 times the size and people were like Ralph's the shitter one but it's just so much easier to read

you get your bloody FHM it's all over your kitchen table but that would have been better for those kind of magazines because the pictures are bigger and it covers your boner more successfully I like the FHM people looking down at the Ralph Readers.

Oh, you broadsheet boob mag. Oh, God. Yeah. But yeah, the tennis,

yeah, because I live near Kooyong, the original site of the Australian Open, so I want to go to that and that's on this week. But you were always

pretty excited in tennis season because you've got this, what would you call it? Fascination? Boner for Serena Williams. Yeah. She's been in FHM, right?

I don't know. But she is amazing. People find it weird that I think that she's attractive, but she is just... I don't find it weird. But it is a weird thing looking at you. You were smaller than Serena's left leg. What a way to go, though. What a way.

If she ever lost it and she replaced it with Josh Earl, that would be amazing. That would be great. Yeah, because I did a thing on, I was bored at home on the social medias and put a thing saying, I wrote to Serena Williams saying, hey, do you want to catch up and get gelato, my shout, when you're in Melbourne? And then I asked my followers, if they go to the tennis,

hold up sign saying, Serena, go out with gelato with Josh Earl. Thanks. So hopefully if anyone who's listening to this goes to Australian Open. Yeah, let's try and get it going. Oh, is she? No, no, she's not. I looked. Yeah, yeah, right.

But just hold a sign up. Because it is odd because you look like someone who should be having a crush on Zoe Deschamel or whatever. Deschamel. Zoe Deschamel. Gooey. Is that a name? Delicious.

Gooey Deschamel. Lies on top of pasta. But I started following Serena Williams on Twitter and that kind of ruined it. Oh, wow. You are into her. It kind of ruined it for me a bit because her favourite band is like Green Day and it's, yeah, I just went, oh, no.

Your snobbiness is getting in the way. I bet she reads The Herald Sun as well. If it's on planes, I'm down with that. I was talking to someone last night and they said, oh, I think I spotted Serena Williams in my supermarket or I'm racist. Was this your girlfriend? No, no.

No, it's exactly like when I was Humphrey B. Bear at Rockingham Bunnings one time. Oh, what? This will make sense. Because sometimes the things you think you want, when you get them, they're too much. Like, for example, kids think that they want to see humphrey bear and then when they see humphrey bear they freak out it's like it's you see them and they're

excited and they run up but you're you're massive and you're you're a bear you're a bear and it's like and then they cry do you ever wonder if you got a date with serena williams whether you would be a little bit like that you'd be like serena and then it'd just be it'd be too much and you'd cry yeah and she would maul you that would be fine i'd be happy, Serena, and then it'd be too much and you'd cry. And she would maul you. That would be fine. I'd be happy to be mauled by Serena Williams. Yeah, but it's that thing.

You know the fantasy's not going to live up to it. So is she like, you know, a lot of couples, because you're, of course, married, a lot of couples have that thing where it's like, if I get a chance to sleep with this person, that's a gimme. Is that she's on your list? You get one? Is it one? We've got three. Oh, you's a gimme. Is that she's on your list? You get one? Is it one? We've got three.

Oh, you get three each. Jesus, do you guys love each other at all? Well, who's she got, Bjorn Borg and who else? No. She's got Seth Green. What? I know. But she does like short, nerdy dudes.

He's pretty much you, though. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. But Anne Hathaway's my other one. Okay. Yeah. And who's number three? Andathaway is my other one. Okay. Yeah. And who's number three?

And who was it? I had it the other... I was only talking about it the other day. I'll think of it before the end of the show. It'd be funny if you did like... So she goes, you know, like George Clooney, Seth Green, Joaquin Phoenix. Humphrey B. Bear. Yeah.

And then your three are just like, the girl who works at the milk bar, the girl who works at the library. Yeah. And your sister. Because it has to be impossible. But then there's an interesting moment where if it became possible, I think it would reveal to be a sham.

You go, no, you can't sleep with them. Who's your three? I used to tease my wife about wanting to sleep with sophie monk and uh and it really because it really annoyed her because some girls really hate other girls don't they like they go oh why would you ever think pamela anderson is attractive or whatever yeah but we don't we can't play those we can't play those games because it's just too serious well you're in that world so I'm not I'm not really in Sophie Monk's world

but it could be it's not well outside it's not like you know I don't know the queen that's a good idea

because that is a good story like if you got access to have sex with the queen like it wouldn't be that great but what a dinner party story party story I I would fuck the queen yeah I. It wouldn't be that great, but what a dinner party story. I would fuck the Queen.

I would. Who wouldn't? I would. That's the ultimate story. That's a whole festival show, if nothing else. The Time I Fucked the Queen by Tommy Daslow. Excuse me, Mr. Perlman, can you be a good chap and never do that show again? We really don't appreciate it.

Hang on, is this really you or should I kill myself? Oh, no. Topical. I wonder, though, you know, like when couples do have those things, like those, you know, those lists, like I'd love to look up and find out, are there any stories where people have actually come into contact and, you know, the girl's friends come home and gone,

yeah, so I was at this movie premiere last night. A friend of mine works at a newspaper, gave me a ticket, and we went to the after party and Clooney was there and I fucked him. Or what about if you had the queen on your list and you went, well, I met Prince Charles and one thing led to another and I thought, close enough. Would you bring it up with the person if you met them, if they were on your list?

Would you go, well, you know what? I am married, but you're on my list. That would be it. Eddie, do you think you're on someone's list? That would be, that's a good. I'd say so, yeah. I've been told I've been on someone's list. Oh, yes.

Like, you know, or not necessarily a formalised list, but I've had guys come up to me and go, oh, my wife's really into you. And sometimes a wife's been there when it's like, oh, yeah. And it's like in that thing where that person's allowed to have a crush on someone. And the guy's like, and it's her birthday, so you wouldn't mind going into the Dunnies. If you wouldn't mind giving her a bit of offspring. That'd be great.

Yeah, that's kind of weird. Because generally, you know, no one likes to think about themselves as that because you know the realities of your – like they watch you on telly acting for half an hour every week and then they don't know that you're quite uninteresting and boring or that, you know, you spend a lot of time on the toilet or, you know, that you – Dressed as Humphrey Bear once. Yeah.

What if someone on someone's list is Eddie Perfect on the toilet? Yeah. He has to be on the toilet. With a Humphrey head on. What if someone's list was Eddie Perfect and Humphrey Bear and now their dreams come true, don't you get you twice? Mum would dress up as Humphrey Bear. Wow.

Yeah. Shane worn Eddie Perfect and Humphrey Bear. So you get the blonde tips, you put the Humphrey suit on, bang, away you go. What an orgasm. That's the thing, you can have like sexual, because you find them attractive, but then you can have strategic people that are like a strategic list. Yeah. Sex is power.

Like it'd be great to fuck Donald Trump's mum, for example. Because you'd never be able to lose an argument with him, would you? Yeah, but it's not a great story. I reckon it is. You'd go, you're fired. You'd go, well I fired into your mum. But bang. Eddie, I was just looking you up before

on the internet and we were talking about newspapers and stuff. There was an article... I don't spend a lot of time on the toilet, by the way. Yeah, you do. It just popped into my head. You've got two little kids. I bet you do.

I'm quite quick. I've locked myself in there, but I'm quite quick. Off and on. This was an article about you in The Age the other day, Lunch with Eddie Perfect, and the heading of it, which I really enjoyed, was, Eddie Perfect has washed that bleach right out of his hair, but he's not sitting back and relaxing. Far from it. Which

I enjoy, because the implication being that a lesser man would just wash their hair and go, well, that's me done for my career. Time to sit back and take it easy. Well, it's kind of clever, but also not clever, what's going on there. Because there's a famous song from south pacific i'm going to wash that man right out of my hair right which is a referencing and also the peroxide blonde of shane warren so suggesting that i was shane warren and then i somehow magically washed peroxide out of my hair by doing south pacific and now i'm not chilling out yeah but i did like that as a south pac. So you've just finished that.

And there was a – I mean, speaking of like the gossip columns and stuff like that, that turned up, that show turned up. It did. It got some controversy. Yeah, with the leading lady and the leading man. Yeah. So you were backstage for all of that. Was it people camped out?

Because it was like Lisa McCune and the other gentleman yes teddy tahoe roads and look you know it was looking it was supposed to be this kind of big controversy and it ran every week in i don't know one of those um tabloid magazines um and it was all like we were kind of given very little information but told it was gonna break as a story and just to shut up about it but and it kept rolling out but there was nothing it was the most boring you know like people kind of had a chat about we wanted more to happen but so they weren't on each other's list which is what the problem i imagine with the whole thing was yeah and then you know one no one knew the answer and everyone you know you're at work so no one asks anything and and then you just and then you get

really over it and it's not like you can look out for them kissing each other because it's like that's in the script. Yeah. Yeah. You're seeing that anyway. But the audience really kind of dug it. So they were worried about it being bad for publicity, but if it was anything but, it was really good.

But that whole falling in love with your leading lady, leading man thing, it kind of reminds me of doing musicals in high school, you know, like had that kind of vibe. And, yeah, I was like, why would you do that? Because if it goes wrong, like I don't know if it's gone wrong or if it's going right or what's happening with it, but if it goes wrong, you've got to kiss them every night and sing some enchanted evening to them every night.

I think that happened nearly every musical I did in high school, wrong you got to kiss them every night and yeah some enchanted evening to them every night i think that happened nearly every musical i did in high school the the leading actors got together yeah right it's pretty frequent there's a big old fuck fest that's why people decided to start doing it people like me tried to get in and go come on well i did music theater you know and that was weird because you know i got a lot of flack for doing musicals. But 90% of the guys there are gay and there are a lot of really attractive women. Although they have big teeth. Music theatre girls have really big teeth.

It's like the hairdressing of the performing arts. Yeah. What? It's like the hairdressing of performing arts. Because it's like when you see a straight guy as a hairdresser, you're like, you've got it made in the shade, bro. Like, you're in all these... That's horrible.

You've got it made in the shade, bro. I never thought of myself as a male hairdresser. That's horrible. What, did you think of yourself as a female hairdresser? Yeah, I did. That was my first ever job job as an apprentice hairdresser. Really? Yes.

Did you? Did I? Have it made in the shade, bro? I was 16. I didn't know what I was doing. Did you do a lot of sweeping up of hair? Yeah, I was washing hair as well. And on the second day, the woman who was the head stylist, whatever, she showed me she pulled her hair out of her palm because her hands are so wet and so the pores open showed me, she pulled a hair out of her palm

because her hands are so wet and so the pores open up. And so she pulled a hair, like about three inches long, just out of it. And it's like, that's the most disgusting thing I've asked about two weeks. And when I can't do it anymore, like that's just so gross. Is that a thing that you wanted to do? No, no. I was getting my hair cut there.

They said, oh, we've got it. You couldn't be bothered leaving. We've got a job. Do you want a job? And I went, yeah, I want a my hair cut there. They said, oh, we've got to... You couldn't be bothered leaving. We've got a job. Do you want a job? And I went, yeah, I want a job. I'm 16. I want to be able to buy alcohol. How did they...

They were just cutting your hair and they said you look like you need a job? No, they said we need someone young on the staff. It sounds like that thing in old-timey movies where people are on the run and they go into a restaurant and they can't afford the meal, so then they're just washing dishes out the back? Yeah. That's $20 for the haircut. Yeah.

I better sweep these floors for two weeks. This is a question I'm going to ask about hairdressers because hairdressing is interesting. Well, you've come to the right show. Go for it. So if you work at a hairdresser, is there pressure to get your hair cut more frequently than you would, obviously, than if you were just a normal human being? Yeah.

Do you have to – because it's like people want to cut – I'd say so. But my tip for hairdressers, don't go to the hairdresser if there's a whole bunch of people work there. Don't go to the one with the best haircut because they didn't cut their hair. Yeah, exactly. Go to the one with the dodgy haircut because they've had someone else cut it, so you're fine. Yeah. Oh, that's a good tip.

Because I went to, like, I don't go to hairdressers with frequency. I don't have a hairdresser. I don't like that. Because I think maybe from when I was young, I remember having the same person cut my hair and then I got another person and they got weird about it and I was like, I don't need that in my life. So I just walk in off the street and I kind of make an aesthetic judgment about how groovy the place is and whether it's going to be good and then I go you you know yeah you're you free and

they generally are and then but I went to this one woman with frequency and she seemed every time I went she had a new haircut and it was kind of because of the nature of hair and the frequency of haircuts her hair would get shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter until she was bald, until she was just like shaved. Horrible. Yeah. And I wonder whether that's just a casualty of being in a hairdresser where people just want to be...

Yeah, and also you're looking at yourself in the mirror all day at your job. So you're probably going, oh, I'll do this and I'll change that. I'm sick of how I look because you're looking at yourself. Yeah. I think the closest I've ever come... And then, oh, I'm bald. The closest I've ever come to having a regular hairdresser, my ex-girlfriend had this girl who was a hairdresser

who lived near her, so I went there and kind of, you know, became friends with the girl who was cutting her hair, went there for like, you know, two and a bit years. It was really good. It was the only hairdresser I've ever been to where you'd go in and go, I want this, and you actually come out with what you asked for. And then me and my girlfriend broke up, and then I thought, I've crossed over with this hairdresser,

even though I met her through my girlfriend. I can go back. And went back for one session, and it was just weird because she knew what had happened. She knew we'd broken up. She was like, oh, so you're still still gonna come here and get your hair cut i'm like oh yeah is that i can and then that was the first time that she gave me a cut that was sort of not what i asked for and i went all right do you message receive do you talk much when you get your hair cut to the

person cutting it it's weird how they give you magazines and then they talk to you like what do you want me to do you You want to read or chat? My next question, do you lie to them when you do talk? Because I lie all the time when I'm talking to people who I think I'm not going to see them again. What do you say? Well, just make up stuff. I don't want to tell them I'm a comedian.

I'm going to think for Venus. I don't want to say I'm a comedian. So I make up, I've got a different job or something like that. I never tell people i'm a comedian by the way yeah but i i've been under the same headdress for like three years so i've lied like so many lies i've told her but about six months ago my wife said oh i might go to your headdresser because it's close to where we live now oh and so i'm like all right i had to go through what i've told her and don'm a swinging bachelor.

Don't ruin these lines. You said you line people you never see again, but you see this person regularly. Yeah. He cuts my hair well. But I started off lying. I didn't want to say that I'm a comedian straight off. And then, yeah. I've got to say, maybe this is a bad thing to say,

given that this is something that gets said about what we all do. But I've got to say, haircutting doesn't look that hard. I don't think it looks that hard. I think, you know, I watch someone cut my hair, I think, I could do that. I wouldn't need to go to training school. I wouldn't need to study it. I reckon I could just, right now,

I reckon I could go your hair, Carl, and make a good crack of it. You couldn't do a worse job at my hair at the moment. Well, have you got your hair cut since America? No, I haven't. Because you were complaining about your haircut in America. You were talking about getting it cut there. We've been back for over two months now,

and still you've got a big mullet going on. I've got a mullet happening. Turn around just so me and Eddie can get a better look at that. Yeah, look at that. Wow, that is truly disgusting. It's no good. How does your girlfriend feel about this? Because it looks pretty Indian.

I can't imagine she's on board with it. It now comes up nearly as often as being engaged. Nearly as. So you're keeping the haircut there as a smoke screen to distract her from the lack of engagement. Maybe she's so racist that she's just turning into a bogan. Just starts buying him heaps of singlets.

Books me in to get my mullet styled into a southern cross. Get a rat's tail. Can we take you out now and get it shaved so you've just got the little tight get the braided tail at the back you know what i should do something with it like i should get a rat you know just before i get it all cut off i should get a rat's tail just for five minutes it's like when you let your facial hair go and you do all those like when you decide to shave you're like crazy shit because when are you gonna get the chance again yeah Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Go for it. Maybe I should. Josh, actually getting back onto Serena Williams, a similar sort of a thing. I saw a celebrity yesterday. Oh, here we go. Yes. And I saw her from across the street and I didn't realise who it was. I didn't realise it was a celebrity, but it was one of those sort of things where you see someone and you go,

I think pretty attractive actually and I was walking one way and I went, you know what, I'm going to walk the other way just to see if this girl's as attractive as I think she is. It's called stalking but continue. Okay, right. So I was stalking away and I walked across the street

and once I got face to face, I realised who it was and it was, and it was Bryn Edelston. Oh, great. Great. Who's like the white Serena Williams, I think, kind of. Oh, no. Oh, no.

What? Don't you think? Josh has got his phone out. He's calling 131114. They have two things in common. What's that? They're quite busty. Oh, right, right.

And what's the other thing? Oh, no, I get it. Yeah, but I wouldn't say... No, not at all. Not at all? No. I find that so funny. I can just sing like a Wayans Brother type movie.

But I also like that you are following her for that long before knowing exactly who it is. I wasn't following her. You're going, this is a famous person, I'm going to follow them. No, I didn't say that it was a famous person. She was across the street and I was the other side, like at the traffic lights. And I went, I just walked across the street thinking,

I'll just go and have a look. At who this is? Yeah, at who this is. So you thought it was someone... No, I thought it was someone attractive. That's who I thought it was. Because she probably I don't know, but she is quite an attractive woman. Do you think? Because that's the thing, I thought I would bring this up and people would say no. She wears too much

makeup and she wears, I always see her in gowns for opening night where it's just hard work. I imagine if she was like rocking around in a frock or, you know, a pair of jeans and – Yeah. She would look pretty attractive. She was dressed down and she had a big dirty smoke hanging out of her mouth. And she was like – she had about 17 Myers bags in her hands.

Yeah. So, yeah, pretty smoking. And then she walked across and went past me and went, oh, that's her. And I turned around to have a look. And there was just this hobo guy coming up going, oh, can I have some money? And she was like, no, no, you can't. And the guy just sort of didn't take no for an answer. It was like, no.

I know that guy. Yeah, yeah. I know that guy. He just hung around, hung around going, oh, look at you with your smoke. You're one of us. Give us some money. You're smoking your with your smoke. You're one of us. Give us some money. You're smoking your 17 Myers bags. You're one of us.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've met her at a ball. Really? I had a good chat with her. Yeah. She's really nice. Yeah.

That ball I went to on the night of McGregor's 30th. Yeah. There's probably not that many balls you've been to. Yeah, that one. That one for that week Yeah She's lovely She's really

She's really really nice I think Because once I went past I went I wish I had got a picture Because I think that Yeah I think she's one of those people

That would divide people Because you know Eddie you said She's an attractive girl And meanwhile Josh was like No no no Racistly nodding Yeah

Yeah She's not on my list, that's all I'm saying. No, she was a lot prettier, I think, in real life. I can now see what Jeffrey sees in her. Yeah, I don't know who I'd have on my list though.

Call in. 131114. Hey, Eddie, let's talk about this quickly. You and I, yesterday we were at a birthday party at a lawn bowls club. With Kate McLennan. Yep, friend of the show, Kate McLennan. It was a very lovely day. Josh, what were you up to yesterday?

I was invited. I went on roadshow with her. I was just at home as well. We should hang out. You guys should treat people a bit nicer I went on roadshow with her. Oh, it's just at home as well. Yeah. We should hang out. Yeah. You guys should treat people a bit nicer and then maybe you'd find yourself invited to things like this. It was kind of exclusive. Yeah.

It was just me and Eddie. It was just me and Eddie. Even Kate wasn't there. Oh, wow. A bit too exclusive now. But what was good about it was there were a few comedians there and at one point I was at the bar and the bartender recognised a lot of comedians there and at one point I was at the bar and the bartender recognised a lot of comedians. He was like, oh, you know, he goes

and I was with a friend of the show, Alison Bison, and mentioning something about doing this today. And the bartender goes, oh, is that your show that you do? Your tiny da-da thing? Sure, that'll do. That's that thing. Sonia da-da.

But then he goes, oh, that guy from Offspring, he's here. Eddie Perfect. I'm like, yeah'll do. That's that thing. Sonia Dada. But then he goes, oh, that guy from Offspring, he's here. Eddie Perfect. Yeah, Eddie Perfect's outside because you were there with your children, your two young children. And then later on there was a point where your kids were playing like in the sand at the edge of the green, which I guess is not allowed or whatever.

Apparently not. Because then that guy had to come out and sort of tell you off and tell you to move your kids on. Yeah. Which I could tell was a very horrifically awkward moment for him because he's a little bit starstruck by you. Oh, right. But he's having to tell you to fuck off and get your grotty kids

out of the sand. Oh, I thought he might have been a bit intellectually disabled or something like that. So it must have been. He might have been a bit intellectually disabled or something. So it must have been. He might have been a little bit Indian. No, no, I didn't. That was fine, though. I'm used to people telling me to stop my kids doing stuff

because you kind of don't know. So there's sand at the end of a lawn bowl thing that the balls land in and then kids will do stuff and you're like i don't know your first instinct is like oh you shouldn't touch that but you think why why shouldn't you touch that so kitty was making my older daughter's making a sand castle out of the sand right it wasn't really going anywhere but he was like we don't want anyone to play with the sand and i'm like why see that's the weird thing of the rules is that at one point your daughter was just running around doing a constant figure eight on the actual green yeah while people are trying to bowl picking up people's balls from groups that we don't even know

and just chucking them around and she was throwing them and leaving dints and yeah that behavior went by unchecked and then as soon as she's touched the dirt in the corner of the green yeah suddenly the alarm bells have gone off you get to this point where everything they do is probably bad or it's probably fine and you just kind of let, within reason, you just go, oh, because you can't control it. It's like, well, let's just wait until someone, and it's never the thing you think, oh, don't play in the sand. You're like, really?

I thought that was the least destructive of what? Yeah. Yeah, but they're funny about it because I went barefoot bowling once with my brothers and we were waiting to go because it was quite popular and we were sitting down

on the gutter thing and the guy came out and said guys don't sit in the gutter good rule for bowls good rule for life and they were really funny about us

we weren't bothering anyone we were just sitting down we could have stood where we were sitting so it's not like the pressure of a seat there. Very weird rules going in in bowls clubs. It's just a thing they have.

But if it's barefoot bowls, your look is, oh, we're casual. It's fine. I agree. I'm not defending them. I just think that some clubs are funny about things like golfing, you've got to wear a collared shirt. Why? Golfing can piss off.

Are you worried that you'll end upared shirt. It's like, why? Golfing can piss off. I get no interest. Are you worried that you'll end up playing golf and there's nothing you can do about it as a man? Terrified. Terrified. It seems like it's inevitable. I hate golf and I just think one day I'm going to play it and I'm going to go, oh, this is actually quite fun.

Those people who love it. Those people who hang out. Like I had guys who I went to high school with. The Chandlers are a very strong golfing family in Maribor. Oh, boy. We've got a lot of club champions. I'm serious. How is this only coming out on the show now?

I don't know because it's that interesting. I should have brought it up on episode one. Yeah, for sure. You've brought up way less interesting things before. My dad and my uncle and my cousin, they're all club champions in the Maribor. Wow. As part of the Chandler reality tour, when you all go to Maryborough, go to the Maryborough Golf Club

and see how many Chandlers are up there. Well, we've been talking about going and recording in Maryborough. Maybe we could do it at, do you think you'd be able to get us into the golf club? I reckon that'd be pretty easy in that anyone could walk in there. Just got to have a coloured shirt on. Yeah, yeah. Is there a mini golf in Maryborough?

No. Because I'd love it if your dad and your uncle are like the actual golf champions and then you're up on the board in the mini golf club. That's like the best that you can do is killing it on the loop-the-loop. Yeah, so we've got that. It must be like a gene or whatever. Because I'm like a pretty decent golfer because I don't even, you know, I'm not a big, I don't play golf at all, but I get out there and I can play.

The most arrogant I've ever seen you right now. Really? I've been a fairly arrogant before. The body language is really like, you know, I'm great. It's in your blood. It's not even a big deal. It's sort of like black people with running. Oh, my God. Indians with farting on planes.

Yeah, sure. It's just that twitch we have in us. Is there anything more pathetic and stupid in golf telecast when the guy hits the frigging ball and then the camera follows the ball in the sky and you can't see it? You're like, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?

Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? And then it lands and you're like, oh, did we need to see it go through the sky? Yeah. You can't see it in reference to the land. So it's just trying to see white against blue-white.

And then those people that are hanging out, you know, watching it in real life. And then they clap. You're like, what are you clapping for? Go home. Yeah. It's a weird spectator sport in terms of, like, people say, oh, it's so boring on TV.

How much boring must it be in real life? Yeah. Like, TV's fine. You can change the channel. You can, you know, it goes to every hole. Yeah, you see all of it. Yeah. You're fighting around for your hole to come up.

Yeah, exactly. Let's go to the Grand Prix. Like, I got made to it. Let's see all of it yeah yeah it's like around for your hole to come up yeah exactly let's go to the grand prix i got made to it let's go to the grand prix it's like why it's made to just be watched on tv what is the point yeah i think it's the possibility of crashes that's kind of interesting i guess and you know like because the crowd are right in those rally cars and the crowds are right near the sides and we've also the youtube clips where the car goes off the track and most people down and it's like sad but it's entertaining and then you want that to happen with golf you want someone to just backswing and just the YouTube clips where the car goes off the track and mows people down and it's like sad but it's entertaining. And then you want that to happen with golf. You want someone to just backswing and just take out a couple of people

or the ball just overshoots the fairway. Yeah, yeah, that's it. You love it. Just smashes into people. Like that's what I want to see in golf. The windmill, when it gets near the windmill. Yeah. I think it's so weird because I had like a group of mates who straight out of high school all see him golf. The windmill, when it gets near the windmill. Yeah. I think it's so weird because I had a group of mates

who straight out of high school all started playing golf. They just turned around and went, oh, we want to be bloody high flyers, so we're all just going to get golf memberships. It's not a young man's pursuit, I don't reckon. It's a certain age. I reckon it's like over 40 you can play golf. I think my dad only took it up because he was getting golfing gifts

because that's what you buy Father's Day presents. It's like, oh, we'll get you three golf balls. Oh, I better go get some clubs then and go and play. Yeah. Hey, should I bring this up? Last week on the show. Please do not bring this up. Oh, okay.

Last week on the show, who was it? Sammy J brought up, because my phone number is, I know you're a listener of the show, Eddie, but you mightn't be up to the episode where little Deslo here gave out my phone number. Good idea. Pretty good stuff, right? That's a great idea.

Yeah, it's really great. I've been loving it. I think you said last week. Have you got your phone bill from when you were in the States, from receiving texts from overseas? Because that costs money. Yeah, yeah, no. Because I think people didn't do that too much.

Did you get calls or just texts? Yes, yes, everything. Everything. You'll got to be real. You know what, I'm on purpose not going into detail just to make sure I'm not encouraging anyone from doing it any further. Any MMSs? Have you gotten any picture messages? Yes. Okay, so you've gotten everything.

I've got lots of stuff. On Christmas? I've been signed up for stuff. On Christmas did you get any? That was the one day where I got nice things, just people genuinely wishing me well and the rest

it's just been 3am calls and abuse and people ringing up and then not saying anything and then hanging out stuff like that imagine you just nothing though

that would be so depressing yeah one call yeah it's good well last week Sammy J said that because

every time we record at my house there's a sign on the wall that says, wash your car, which my girlfriend's put because my car's filthy. So, and Sammy J said, send in your haikus to my phone. Oh, okay. Shit, I've just got one live right now. I've literally just got one right now.

But here's a selection of ones that I have got. Filthy and broken, Chan Chanan's car is disgusting you lazy asshole that's good there's one um so calming here's the next one car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car haiku so that's a i didn't count the syllables but i'm gonna i guess i'll just have to take that one. We'll allow that one. Here's one. I'm not sure if it really followed the haiku. Carl, more known by the slag, that sap, whose car is just a piece of crap, never gets fixed in wallow it sits.

Get off your arse, you fucking cunt. We're going for a limerick. Someone adding themselves as having no idea what a haiku is. No, and, you know, a bit abusive, really. So these ones that have come, these haikus that have come through, are they, is this the first time these people have texted you or are these like some repeat offenders that are coming back for more? Some horrible repeat offenders, these.

These guys are some of the worst. What's the most you've gotten from one person? Oh, there's, look, I'm just looking through now. There's just heaps of stuff that I just don't reply to. It is. It's funny because your eyes go down to look at your phone and then there's just a look of instant dismay as soon as you see your phone. These people are just people that call in the middle of the night

and it just keeps going. That's pretty full on. What do you do? I just don't answer. Is it depressing you about doing, is it making you feel like not doing this show anymore because it's just now that you know the kind of scum that listens? Well, here's the one I just got live right then.

Haiku, follow the whiteboard. Clean it now, Chandler, please. Dirty car bitches. So that's live. That's a live text I just got there. That's great. What's the number of that person? We'll put it out now.

Everyone can send a rating of their haiku. That's great. What's the number of that person? We'll put it out now. Should I? Everyone can send a rating of their high-tech. Which one should I give the phone number out to? The one that you just got live. Yeah. Or what about the one that says you fucking cunt? Yeah. They've asked for it.

Yeah. Let's face it. Yeah. That number is... Here we go. Is this legal? Here it is. 0417...

Oh, no17 858 485 0417 858 So if you want to send abusive messages to this person saying you don't even fucking know what a haiku is, you dickhead, send it to that number. Now, you know, we get a lot of flack for still not having set up a website,

but now it's like the show has just become a website because it's just like a message board where we're setting up that fans can communicate with other fans. This is like a really mean arsehole version of pay it forward. So if you want to meet other fans of the show, text Carl your number. You'll read your number out and then other fans can get your number and text you

and you can all hang out. This is weird. This is good stuff. Well, speaking of that fruity language, I want to tell this. I was in a shop over the weekend and, you know, sometimes I was buying some clothes and you get into a bit of a chat with the person behind the counter. And me and my girlfriend had just gone to look at a bunch of houses because we're trying to move. And so we were getting into a chat about that with this girl behind the counter. And she goes, yeah, yeah, you know, me and my boyfriend live in this house with a couple of other people. And this girl moved in and I think we're going to have to kick her out because's you know she's messy she never cleans the bathroom she has you know she's making

noise late at night and she just she just swears all the time like her language is really bad like everything that comes out of her mouth she's either saying the f-bomb or cunt pull that sentence up you've really uh took the foot off the brakes and then uh really jandered on pretty hard there in the end. And she's also texting Chandler a lot. But, yeah, I did like that. It was strange. Well, how's your housemates going?

Because the last I think we heard things were going to change when we got back from America, I think. Yeah, well, our lease is up at the end of the month, so we're just not renewing it. And we're going to look for a new place. And we said that to them. So we sort of thought, we just sort of said, you can, like, take up the lease if you want. This is your housemates at the moment? Yeah.

Yeah, so we said to them, you can take up the lease if you want, you know, and, you know, replace us with other people. But, yeah, we'll be out on the 21st. So whatever you want to do, just let us know. And they've been looking at places, so I think they're going to get out. Right. And they're finding it pretty hard. So I think they've sort of got the shits at us, like we've sort of done something wrong. But then at one point they're like to get out. Right. And they're finding it pretty hard. So I think they've sort of got the shits at us,

like we've sort of done something wrong. But then at one point they're like, oh, so you're looking for another two-bedroom place to fill with other people. Like they thought that we were just – but then I was at this – at Kate's thing yesterday, Luke McGregor was there and he had to leave because he's trying to move at the moment. And I was thinking, wouldn't this be a spectacular move of arseholery if we say to them, oh, we're not renewing the lease, we're getting out.

They get another place. They move out. And then it's like the day before we're meant to be out and they're like, aren't you guys going to pack up your stuff? And we're like, no, we're renewing the lease and Luke McGregor's moving in. Just imagine that. Have I told you that I did exactly that? What do you mean? I've done exactly that. What, told you that I did exactly that? What do you mean?

I've done exactly that. What, told people that you were moving out, not really on the list, and then doing it at the last minute? Yes. Wow. Did you plan on doing that the whole time? Yes. Wow.

That's awful. It was in Ballarat. No, I moved in with a guy that I vaguely knew from TAFE, Klang, and he then moved in his friend. And as his friend moved in i became quite good mates with his friend and the other guy become like crazy he changed his name to cat and he was into taekwondo with a c or a k c oh crazy yeah that's oh my god what was it before oh man it was duane yeah so you can see why. There's an excuse there. Maybe that's not crazy. Yeah.

So anyway, he was sort of super weird. And then the other, I really got along with his mate. And we become good friends. And then he went, oh, man, I cannot stand the other guy. And I'm like, he's your mate. You moved in because of him. He's like, yeah, I'm over him. I'm going to move out.

And I'm like, don't move out and leave me with him. He's like, I'm moving out. I'm like, what can we do? He goes, all right right if we can maneuver him to get out i'll stay and so then we maneuvered the other guy to move out just so i could keep the other guy wow and uh yeah we just did this whole thing of oh we're all moving out let's all move out we're all moving out and as soon as he got a house we went oh yeah we're staying oh you got some angry haikus here for you. How did Cat Dwayne take it? Well, I think he just felt a bit depressed maybe. Yeah. Two of his mates had manoeuvred him.

Well, he can ring 131114. And the roundhouse kicks you. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club. For another week, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you very much for listening. Josh Earl, thank you for joining us. You got things coming up you'd like to plug? Yeah, I'm doing Perth Fringe.

So Fringe World I'm doing. The show Josh Earle's a librarian. Excellent. And I'm also doing it in Brisbane Comedy Festival and Melbourne Comedy Festival. Great. Eddie, you've got the shows with Tripod coming up. Yes, Perfect Tripod Australian Songs at the Art Centre at the Playhouse, I think.

And it's 16th, 17th, 18th of January and there's still tickets available for some of those shows excellent thank you very much for joining us

are you doing Melbourne Comedy Festival as well? no no nothing? no no I'll be watching

I'll be watching Offspring coming back Offspring I'm shooting season four and then we're doing Shane Warner Musical again oh yeah so that'll be June and then we're going to do a again. Oh. Yeah, so that'll be June

and then we're going to do a couple of, it's a concert, Spectacular. Hey, if people can go along to that and hold up signs saying Serena Williams, get a job.

I don't know how that's going to work out but you never know. Guys, we are doing both our own shows at the Brisbane Comedy Festival. We're also doing a live Dum Dum up there.

I'm going to be at the Adelaide Fringe Festival and then we are both at the Melbourne Comedy Festival doing our own shows and doing live little dum-dum clubs on Monday nights. We've got the t-shirts for sale, littledumdumclub at gmail.com. We are now out of XL in both colours. Yeah. Fat fans. Yeah. Hit us up on Twitter and Facebook, send us an email. We always love hearing from people. Thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time.

See you, mates.