The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 121 - Claire Hooper & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: January 15, 2013

Shame Holes, Rubik's Magic & Vagina Whales.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, the Comedy Festival season is coming up and we have got some shows that you can come and see all across Australia. Brisbane, Carl, what have we got for them? We've got solo shows. What have we got? You've got Tommy Daslow in Spread and I've got Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. Yes, sirree, Bob.

What do we do? We do like four or five solo shows up there at the end of February? Yep, I think we're in the same room one after the other. My show is all about my great-grandpa inventing Vegemite. Yours is your classic one-liners, thick and fast for an hour, non-stop, coming at you. And you're like, what, 7 o'clock, 7.30? I think I'm at 7 and then you're at like 8.30 or something.

So we're back-to-back. So, guys, you can come and see us back-to-back, see the two big dum-dum chiefs back to back. Yep, and then on the Saturday of that week, we are doing a live dum-dum club in the Brisbane Powerhouse. This is all taking place in the Brisbane Powerhouse. Brizconfest.com to get your tickets. Come down and see us.

I am then going to be in Adelaide for two weeks at the Rhino Room doing my new show, Spread. So come down and check that out. The Rhino Room is a great venue. I didn't come to Adelaide for two weeks at the Rhino Room doing my new show, Spread. So come down and check that out. The Rhino Room is a great venue. I didn't come to Adelaide last year. It'd be great to see some Adelaide friends of the show down there because I know there's a bunch of you. And then straight after that, it is the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Once again, we are both doing our new shows at the Forum Theatre. The whole run of the festival. So we're on for four weeks or something, so plenty of chance to come down and see our new shows. And then every Monday we do, every Monday the Comedy Festival, we do a live Dumb Dumb podcast, which we did last year. There were heaps of fun. We had heaps of people come out.

And if you want to listen to them back, I think we've got one on iTunes. We've got a couple on Bandcamp. Yep, littledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. We had Andrew O'Keefe, Tony Martin, Kamal Nanjiani, John Safran, Dave O'Neill, heaps of great guests, heaps of friends of the show. It's only going to be bigger this year. That's last year, yeah, yeah, for sure. So we're going to have big names this year, new surprise guests. It's going to be awesome. So don't miss out. That was so much fun last year. You can see some video clips on YouTube as

well and all the details and stuff for that. Comedyfestival.com.au. I don't think it's quite up yet, but very soon. Put it in your diaries. Come check us out wherever you are in the country. We'd love to see you, and we'll see you there. See you there, mates. That's slick.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dog. I hope you're having another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Whoa, you were screaming. Really? Was that too loud? That all went a bit bonkers. This is a new little setup we're playing with today. Yeah.

We'll get to that in a bit. What I want to get to, we mentioned, first of all, a bit of business. It is 104 days until Nick Cody's birthday. Is it? Yep. I'm glad you remembered. I usually am Googling on the way in. Yeah.

I Google how many days is it until Nick Cody's birthday. And Karen Cody has a website up, so it's very easy to check that out. And I've also gone a bit further with the maths. It is 75 shopping days. Oh, right. Last week we were talking about, we were saying, you know, we're getting quite excited. You know, Nick Cody's birthday is creeping up. We were suggesting that maybe we have some kind of actual, we do something for Nick Cody's birthday.

We have some kind of celebration that we do something for Nick Cody's birthday. Yep. We have some kind of celebration that kind of ties in with this show. A few people on the Twitter page and the Facebook page suggested that we have a Dum Dum Club party for Nick Cody at a McDonald's birthday party room. Would that be legal? I've got to tell you, I think it's a great idea. And I've done my research.

I've gone on. It turns out it's actually, they have their own website. There's just mcdonaldsparties.com.au. What about podcasts, though? Well, this is the thing. See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about. I think this is the business that we have to work out. Because you can get on there.

You can make your booking. You choose your location. It works out as roughly $9.95 per child guest oh really? plus it's $16.95 for the ice cream cake so financially I think we could we sell some $15 a ticket

we can have 20 friends of the show come and party with us what dates his birthday? it's April 30th so we can have it the weekend before or after that. Is that during Melbourne Comedy Festival? Just after. Just after, okay.

Just right after. So the one speed bump, though, when you register, you have to put in the age of the birthday boy, and the highest you can go is the age of 12. And how old is Nick Cody? I believe he will be 25. Right. So that's one slight speed bump.

But then what you can do is you can select the number of adults that are attending and the number of kids that are attending. Oh, right, yeah. So you can do like a maximum number. You can go up to 30 adults and 10 kids attending. So we could just hire one kid for the day? No, we need to get at least 10. Oh, right. If we can find at least 10 children to come along and have like a faux birthday party,

we can sneak in and we can have Nick Coding sneak in there as well. So it's like a bring a show. So if you want to come to the podcast, you have to bring a child. Yeah. Is that part of the deal? It's like 15 bucks and a child.

Yeah, you have to bring 10 children along and you can come. But here's the thing, right? I was looking at this. I was doing all the research. My girlfriend was sitting next to me on the couch as I had the thing up. And you can book it right through to the end. You put your credit card in, you pay. It's done. It's locked in. And I was saying to my girlfriend, it seems weird that there's no, like what, you

know, what would happen if we booked this and we just turned up on the day and there's like 30 adults there to go to this like children's party, like what would happen? Would we get away with it? Because surely they'd turn us away. They'd go, well, you're making a mockery of this. You're not 12 year olds, you're 26 year olds. And my girlfriend just goes, yeah, but you know, he could be retarded.

So I don't know if that's a solution. Maybe we'll get, I don't know if Cody would be into like. There's no option on the website for that? Yeah, I don't know. Like I think different like... There's no option on the website for that? Yeah, I don't know. Like I think different McDonald's have different disability assets. Right, okay. We'll have to look into that.

But let's put the call out. Like would people pay? Would people help us pull this off? Would people incriminate themselves by bringing along children as accessories to this crime we're going to commit? Yeah, I mean, like we could record a live episode

in the McDonald's party room. We could have Karen Cody come in. We could have one of the guests could be, you get your own party host. So, you know, we could have that as a guest. Oh, really? Okay, yep. So, yeah, but then also when you register,

you can select any, you can put in any special requirements, any special additional information. Right. So I'm thinking maybe we just register it and we just put, oh, by the way, we're a podcast and we're recording a live episode. Yeah. And just see what happens. Well, in case they decide to like bring in Luke McGregor or something, like McDonald's

will hire out a podcast guest for us for the day. But so that when we turn up, like, they can't go, we didn't know anything about this. We go, well, check the special requirements in the form that I said you were on. We were perfectly clear about this. Or maybe someone who listens to the show knows someone who owns a McDonald's franchise. There was a girl at my high school whose dad owned a McDonald's. It was just year 12 media films.

They were all set in McDonald's because it was, like, so easy to just get onto this girl and go, hey, can we come in on Sunday morning at 4 a.m.? Wow. If anyone owns a McDonald's, please get in contact with us. If anyone wants to buy us even a burger, just get in contact with us. Ridiculous if you own a McDonald's, the amount of times it's come up on this show that you wouldn't have gotten in contact with before now. But what are they going to say?

Just go, hey, do you want a cheeseburger? Like, is that worth an email? I don't know. What about us getting shaker fries back on the menu? Yeah, oh yeah. Someone would have touched base by now.

Well, you know, that guy worked in a McDonald's. He knew someone who worked in a McDonald's so maybe that's something. You're going to have to give me a bit more information. The guy from Ballarat

that supplied us with the shaker fries, all those shaker fry sachets. Oh, right, he was his mate who worked at a McDonald's. Yeah, yeah. So that's something. Let's get into our guests, shall we?

Sure. I'll just warn you. Well, not warn you, just give you a bit of a bonus. Just in case, even though we're not recording it at my house today, just in case things go awry, we need it. I brought along the podcast hoodie today. Yep. So I've got the...

That bright hoodie. Guys, if you can't see me at this stage, it's because it's too bright, the hoodie. This is my special podcast hoodie that I wear sometimes. Just as soon as you brought that out of your bag, my face has now melted off. Yeah. My skull is exposed. Today on the show, we have a returning guest. You will know him from Xavier's Corner. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Xavier Michael Lee.

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's great to be back. Yep. Is this Xavier's Corner now? No, no, no. I didn't prepare Xavier's Corner. Xavier's Corner's broken out and it's doing its own thing now. It won't be featured on this show anymore. Oh, really? Where's it going?

I'm in talks with a few people right now and I think Xavier's Corner. Who are one of the people? I can't say names. That's bad business. Just say one name. Just say one name. Just say one name. Steve. Right.

You shouldn't have said that. You really shouldn't have said that. I know. I'm in a lot of trouble. Well, now I've lost the deal with Steve. Don't mind because Steve's deal wasn't that good. Well, look, I can't go into it. But just, guys, keep your ears open for Xavier's Corner

because it's coming soon. Well, I'm just going to Google Xavier's Corner and Steve and see what comes up. See what comes out of that. Also joining us on the show for the first time, you'll know her from Good News Week. We are recording this in her house. Please welcome into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Claire Hooper.

Yay! A coincidence that you've been booted out of the studios and you need someone with their own house? I thought you were going to say a coincidence that we're recording in your house. You just happened to be here. The last four weeks we've recorded here, you weren't here. You guys are not getting any money from McDonald's, are you?

No. Because I didn't know about this. I did not give up commercial radio money. Just come and talk about McDonald's for free. You guys are insane. Yeah. They've got a lot of money. They should be paying you money.

It's probably ruined Xavier's deal with Steve as well. I know. Steve said, you know, we've got some big people on board who want to advertise. Don't mention anyone else. That's why I'm worried. That's why I'm like, damn it. That's okay.

You haven't said it yet. You're all right. You know when he said Steve, that's like one of the CEOs of McDonald's. Oh, or is it Steve Jobs? Because I've got some bad news for you. I think it really definitely has fallen through. Yeah. Steve Jobs is dead.

That's what most people think. Once you know the truth, Carl, then you'll realise. I've been reading this book about conspiracy theories. Yeah? Yeah, it's amazing. But it's from 13 years ago. It's pre-World Trade Centre and it just gives you amazing perspective on all the conspiracy theories.

Is there a conspiracy theory about Steve Jobs faking his own death to get out of a deal with Xavier Michaelides? No, not in this book. Wasn't there something about that in Nostradamus? Wasn't there a Nostradamus verse about that? About Steve Jobs. Faking his own death. To get out of a project.

To get out of a project. It was the very last page on the Mayan calendar as well, I believe. I mean, you must have. You guys are all across the internet, so you must have heard about the Gangnam Nostradamus thing. It was the best. It was the best.

Wow. Except it's all over now. I mean, we all know that the world's okay. And I don't know about you, but it was a real relief to me because I didn't realise how much I was actually bracing myself for the end of the world. Oh, really? I woke up the next day and I was like, da-da-da-da.

I suddenly realised I'd been quite anxious about it. Let me get to the Gangnam Style thing. Please. It was amazing. So there's this verse in Nostradamus that's like something along the line of, you know, from the country of the early dawn comes the dancing horse and when the numbers... What? When the circle's number nine, then the end will come.

It was something like that. I mean, I haven't quoted it right, but basically... So basically Korea, the literal translation of the name of the country was, you know, the country of the... Breaking Dawn. Breaking Dawn or the other... Yeah, see, I've forgotten it. And then, you know, it's an of the dancing horse

when the circle's number nine. So it's basically when it got to a billion views, the end will come. And the really interesting thing was the billion views did actually coincide quite closely with the 20th of December. Is this all a real thing? Yeah, this is a real thing. But then also...

But you know what Nostradamus is like. There's a million... I could say the country of the Breaking Dawn is where they made the recent Twilight or one of those Twilight films, Breaking Dawn. I can just interpret any way I want. What did that mean? You've broken the whole Nostradamus.

And I'm the first one to do it, Claire. So, Xavier, some of this may not be true. Is that what you're saying? Some of it. Yeah. I like that we're here in your house. I haven't been here before, Claire. Have you?

No, never. Because Wade keeps talking about how he likes Carl Chant. I like that we're here in your house I haven't been here before Claire No never Because Wade keeps talking about how he likes Carl Chandler That's my husband for the uninformed How he likes that Carl Chandler And he's going to invite him around for rotisserie chicken On the barbecue one day What's interesting is he never actually does it He talks about it a lot

And yet everybody else at this table has been here The dream's better than the reality The dream of Carl Chandler coming over for rotisserie chicken is a lot different to the reality. That's how it happens, actually. He'll be like, I'm going to invite Carl Chandler over for rotisserie chicken and then he'll go tuck himself into bed. He'll get up and he'll be like, that was great.

Inception chicken. Yeah, he just goes to sleep. Well, when you guys were living in Sydney, we were up there doing gigs, and you were away, but we had a delicious fondue party in your house, spearheaded by your husband and Harley Brain. What I like about your husband, among many things, was – because we stayed there – I think we went and did the comedy store, and I stayed there.

And I had a thing where, you know, your husband, when he goes out on the town, he'll have a tipple. He'll have a tipple or two. And I had a thing where, you know, your husband, when he goes out on the town, he'll have a tipple. He'll have a tipple or two. And yeah, that's fair. Yeah. I only just found out about something actually when he goes out on the town and he has a bit of a tipple.

I mean, I've made discoveries and this recent discovery is people have been recording his taxi conversation. Oh, really? What? And I think that that's a hot tip for the Dum Dum Club. Get a hold of recording his taxi conversation. Oh, really? What? And I think that that's a hot tip for the Dum Dum Club. Get a hold of Oliver Clarke's phone. Oh. I have got...

Mr Oliver Clarke. You've got one as well? I've got a story of one night at the Hi-Fi Bar and I was just standing with a drink in my hand by myself. I think I was watching the stage or something and then someone came up behind me and kicked me in the back of the leg. That thing you're kicking at in the little, you know, just behind the knee. In the knee, just so that you crumble.

And I went, oh, and fell right down. I turned around furious and it was Wade and Wade goes, you thought it was some prick kicking you in the knee, but it turns out it's your best mate, Wade. Well, this is it. I stayed at your place in Sydney, Claire, and it was I need to go to a gig and I remembered that I'd been out in the town a couple of times with Wade and he'd get drunk and go, you know what, if you ever come to Sydney, just come and stay with us.

You've got to come and stay with us. I'm like, all right, then I will. And then I hit him up and he's like, okay. And then I get there and then the first time we have a drink, he gets drunk and then goes, so why are you here? Because we're not really great mates, are we? Like, we vaguely know each other, don't we? And all of a sudden, you're staying in my house?

Like, that's a big leap. I mean, I know I said it probably, but I was drunk. I don't remember. Maybe I didn't say it. Like, this is a long bow for you to draw, Carl. Like, you're a long way from home. And then so I copped her for the first night, but then the next night I think he invited Tommy and Luke McGregor around,

and so then I stopped copying it for a night because they came around and then he was just like, now you guys I didn't even invite. I invited Chandler when I was drunk, but you guys, I don't know why you're here. Luke McGregor, why are you in my house? And Luke's just folding like a house of cards. And it's like, well, well done, well done, Wade, because you've made Luke McGregor a bit anxious.

So well done. You were the first there, I think. Luke McGregor. I talked to Luke McGregor last night at Spleen, and I was like, we were talking about whether he has a catchphrase, and Luke's saying, yeah, I don't have a catchphrase. And then when he left, he left. He turned and he went up the stairs,

and he was like walking past people going, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I was like, that's the don't have a catchphrase. And then when he left, he left. He turned and he went up the stairs and he was like walking past people going, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I was like, that's the Luke McGregor catchphrase. It's sorry. Sorry, sorry. And like that. That's his other catchphrase. Can you do some more Luke McGregor, please?

I went out, I had lunch with McGregor and he was ordering, when he was ordering food, he kept going, is this good? Would you have that? Is that probably what you'd have? That one there? I don't really know. I'm sorry. All I wanted to do was like, what would you suggest is what he wanted to say. But he kept saying, is that what you'd have?

I mean, I don't know if you've had it. Do you eat the food here? Where did you start? Almost as good as your Michael Schumacher impression. Xavier, can you do this as Luke McGregor? Can you say this? Say, hi, if Xavier keeps doing impressions of me on podcasts, he's not going to be the best man at my wedding. Can you say that as him?

Hi, if Xavier keeps doing impressions of me on podcasts, he's not going to be my best man at my wedding. Sorry. Because I've got him saying that. Really? Yeah. Hi, everyone. If Xavier impersonates me on the podcast,

I'm not going to choose him as best man for my wedding anymore. I'm not married yet. Or I'll see ya. Now, hang on. Which one was which again? I know. Okay, I'm going to give my critiques Your one, Xavier, I don't feel like you got quite enough

Of the pseudo-American accent Yeah, yeah No hard R's And no freestyle He freestyles at the end Every sentence that you give him a great review He always adds on I'm not married

Married That's there, so it's not married Xavier It's hard to do when you really get into it I mean He always adds on, I'm not married. Married. That's there, so it's not married. Save you. It's hard to do when you really get into it. I mean. If you're really going to do a good Luke McGregor, you've got to perfect that. But why would you want that? I think you do an impression that's like, I don't know what the painting style is, but

you know when they, it's not exactly, it's not. Impressionistic. Yeah, yeah. It's impressionistic, not realistic. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, that, it's impressionistic, not realistic. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that's right. Like, as in your Luke McGregor,

you've got to stand on the opposite side of the gallery. Yeah. And just take it in. You've got to squinch your eyes and turn your head to the side. There's the heart. You've got the heart of McGregor there. The heart. Luke McGregor has both the eyes on one side of his head.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't know what I like, but I like your Luke McGregor head. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't know what I like, but I like your Luke McGregor impression. Yeah. Yeah.

I just, I don't know. I don't know much about impressions, so I just like that it goes with my decor. Yeah. Yeah. It's a decorative impression. Yeah. Yeah.

And something else about this house is that I've heard, because I've heard so many tales about this house, but I've never been here. Yeah, all right. Yeah, and I'm looking at the bungalow because it's a bit of a comic. You've had a few comics stay here over time. That makes it sound like you just slept with each other. Yes, I've had many comedians in that bungalow.

And there's also all those notches on the wall. Also, there's Luke McGregor. Yeah, that's weird. There literally are a lot of notches on the wall. Also, there's Luke McGregor. Yeah, that's weird. There literally are a lot of notches on the wall. There are full-on holes in the wall. This house needs a lot of work, but it's a palace. Yes. You've got the bungalow.

It's not on the market because it sounded like you were trying to convince someone to buy it. Yeah, no, no, it's not on the market. Did it have shelves? Was it a whole bunch of shelves? This is not the Gumtree podcast, by the way. Xavier, I don't know if it's interesting to talk about these fixtures of this house. But, yeah, I mean, when we purchased it, it had some amazing big wooden – because it's 14-foot ceilings.

It had these built-ins of dark wood. And then it turns out that they're not, like, whatever you call them. They're not permanent fixtures. So she bloody took them. She took them with her. Even though there's no chance she went into a 14-foot ceiling house in the next – there's no way they would have fit anywhere except in these rooms, and she took them.

No offence, guys, but I'm going to put on the hoodie now. Oh, yeah, right. Okay, you're inspiring us. When we moved into our rental house that we're in at the moment, at the back in the shed there was like an old pram and like a washing basket and just that sneaky thing where the previous... And they took them with them. That's unfair. You just leave behind your crap for the next tenants to deal with.

And then you sort of go, is this busted up old pram on the condition report? Have we got to take care of this? Have we got to write it down on there? Yeah. You know? The bungalow, because I know that Bart Freeburn, friend of the show, but Bart Freeburn stayed out there for what, a year, two years? I don't know how long.

He was there most of two years, which is amazing because it is uninsulated. Is it still wardened off by the police or anything? Is there just still the ghost of a thousand naive, innocent girls that have been lured back here? That's the really interesting thing about Bart, isn't it? Jeez, that movie just changes the tone of everything. There's two walls full of notches. There's Claire's wall and then there's Bart. Oh, right.

I have taken nobody into that bungalow. Right. No, no. Yeah, he's a mysterious man, isn't he, Bart? He is. With his whole, like, you his whole lady killer in disguise. Yeah. He is.

He's the perfect lady killer. He's a smooth operator. Because he's got a profile on a dating website. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I've talked about this before. It's something about being the lord of sandwiches. Yeah. It's all this weird surreal stuff about being the lord of sandwiches

and how much he likes bread and all the fillings in sandwiches and fancy people come and let's dine with me. And then at the end it's like, but let's be clear, I like going to bed with girls. Just like nearly right out there. All the sandwich stuff was good, but we do need to not booze together. But it works because on Facebook he mostly posts about coffee and my girlfriend loves it. He's always because on Facebook, he mostly posts about coffee.

And my girlfriend loves it. He's always like, he didn't have a coffee post. It's something he knows. He's on to like sandwiches and coffee and lunch foods. That's what chicks are into, is it? That's what chicks dig. He's just talking about just nice foods. I'm assuming that's what it works for.

But here's the twist. Last time I saw him, I was like, oh, I've been enjoying all your coffee, updating people on what coffee you're drinking every day. And he just looks at me and goes, here's the thing, don't even drink coffee. He doesn't. He's never, ever drunk a coffee. And he always posts about coffees.

It's genius. Is it genius? Is that the word for it? Yes, it is. It's amazing. It's brilliant. I'm sort of bordering on slander at this point. Is it genius? Is that the word for it? Yes, it is. It is. It's amazing. It's brilliant. I'm sort of bordering on slander at this point. Yeah.

Is it? I thought we were all admiring Bart in his amazing ways. I do, I do. I don't understand him at all. At the start of it was Carl going, what about that bungalow where he's brooded and killed heaps of chicks? Yeah, I didn't say killed. No. You didn't say killed.

You made that assumption. I didn't say chicks. Oh, metaphorically. I didn't say Bart. Oh, no. Yeah, metaphorically killed. You made that assumption. Chicks. I didn't say Bart. Yeah, metaphorically killed. You know, like as in he's ruined them for any future man. Yes, exactly. Killed their vagina.

Yeah, that's what I meant to say. As in they'll never have a tender lover like Bart. Well, no. All right, fine. Carl, what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get what you've said and make it nice. You can go, no, what I said was, is he sleeves and lots of cheeks, he's a man whore. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, impression. You've got that. That's classic Chandler. I thought you were better at impressions. I'm not. I'm not really at all. I'm never that good. Can you do me?

I'm Claire Hooper. Yeah, no. I can't. All'm not really at all. I've never been that good. Can you do me? I'm Claire Hooper. Yeah. I can't. All right, you're great. There's something interesting that you guys were talking about in the living room before we came in here to what I'm now dubbing the podcast room. What do you use this room for generally, by the way? Listening when other people do poos.

That's why. The toilet is right there. And you've got, let's just diverge and talk about this. You've got a, what is it, a bidet? Yes. Now, yeah, there is a little bidet. And when Bart was living in the bungalow and in his charming fashion, he annexed several other rooms of this house and the other housemates

stood by and let it happen. But here was the awkward thing. He set his computer up in this room, this very room where we're doing the podcast, right next to the poo door. Now, you're not always doing a poo, but you want there to be some mystery and there is no mystery when there is someone. And it was like he would kind of, for courtesy, he'd pop his headphones in when you went into the –

Oh, right. But there's still that sense that if there's anything you want in your day – And the door looks like it's very close to the table. You know, even if you have to share your bedroom with someone else, you want to know that when you do a poo, nobody's listening, but he would always be there tipping away on his laptop. There's a chance he was live blogging your poo. Probably.

That does explain before the coffee post, he was doing poo posts. I always thought where they came from, but it makes sense now. And there was the odd bidet post in there. Yeah, no, I don't think only one person has used the bidet. Would anyone like to guess who? Wade Duffin.

Wade's had a go. It's an amazing bathroom. There's also a radio in the shower. Yeah. And when we first bought the house, we got the electrician in to fix everything and the electrician said, hey, you'll want to turn that radio off as soon as possible.

Because it's going to electrocute everyone. Because you're going to die. You're going to die. Hang on, was this an inbuilt radio or was it just a transistor that someone left in the bath? It looks like a spaceship, the shower, and it's built into the wall. The shower has a seat.

It has all sorts of nozzles and it has a light and it has a mirror in there and it has a radio and you should be able to sit down on the seat, looking at yourself in the mirror, listening to your favourite tunes. But the electrician made us cut the wiring because he said it was just not safe. I did stay here. Did you try the radio?

No, I tried to the radio, it didn't work. But I did try and turn that knob so it would go from the shower thing over here to on the side. But as it turns over, it has like a couple of seconds of cold as it and it was the scariest thing because suddenly it's just a wall of cold water just goes and i was screaming that em had to come in and go are you okay like she was my girlfriend was worried six nozzles of cold it's six nozzles of cold water it is the scariest thing and so i didn't even try any of the others because i'm gonna try it after this about that electrician

did he also make you remove the Xbox from the bidet? That would be great if there's just appliances rigged into all sorts of, you know, your sink's got Tamagotchi in it. Yeah, yeah. All these boring household things. Tamagotchi in the sink. You're always going to go out in the sink and go, I'm just going to feed him.

I'm washing my hands. I'm washing my hands. Why is there a Rubik's Magic attached to the fridge? Remember Rubik's Magic? That was too much. It was too much. I went wild with the Tamagotchi reference. I went to the next step.

I'd love to... I could go into your brain, Carl, and see when you have to go pick out references. Because just before off-air, you had to pick a comedian. You picked Bill Cosby as your first one. I'm not saying there's something wrong with Bill Cosby, but it's the... Racistby, but it's the oldest. Racist.

No, it's the oldest comic. Well, not the oldest. It's like there's an old man just looking through violin caps. Lad second, I've got something for you. Rubik's Magic will be the type for that joke there. The secretary comes up and goes, but sir, that was in 1962. That'll get it. That'll get it.

Don't you remember Rubik's Magic? It was the sequel to Rubik's Cube. What was it? What did it do? It was like a thin, like an A4 sort of sheet looking thing, except then you folded it up and there was like rings printed on the sheet. Were you good at it? No, I was terrible at it.

Wait, wait, wait. Because I thought, I mean, the way you just threw that reference in, you should have known nobody would get it. You threw it in as though it was this one moment in your life, this one brilliant scintillating moment of success. It was like, finally, something I'm good at. No, there's a thin line. Why did you remember it?

There's a thin line between someone like pulling out a reference where you go, oh, I haven't thought of that in so long. That's such a great reference. And someone and everyone going, I've never heard of that. You're. That's such a great reference. And everyone going, I've never heard of that. You're right. There's a thin line between those two things, I think. It's a good choice that you chose the sequel to the Rubik's Cube. Everyone knows Rubik's Cube.

Too easy. That's too easy for me. It was a piece of paper. No, it was a thin, it wasn't paper. It was like, I don't know. I think someone scammed you and sold you a piece of paper. It's just a sequel to those Rubik's Cubes. Oh, thanks, sir. It was just a squished cube.

Flat. It's not really porn. Yeah. It's a Rubik's Cube. It's a piece of paper. It's a sequel. There's the Rubik's washing line. Go hang the washing out, will you? Just clock it. Go and clock it.

I just want to talk about, this is something I've been curious about. So you've got the bidet in the bathroom. Oh, you know when you're listening to the podcast, you don't realise how much you're the ringmaster, Tommy. But you're really keeping this all back on track, aren't you? Let's talk about the bidet. Yeah, please.

I don't know, is that a compliment or not? Because unless you hear, listening, you go, who's that person who keeps jumping in? Guys, can we get back to what we're talking about?

But when you hear this... I thought it was just the little orphan intern that they had. As a guest, can you use someone else's bidet? Not that I want to,

I'm just... I was just about to say that. Yeah, if someone came around... Because I used it last time I was here. Right. No, no, no. I mean, if someone just came around...

You didn't need the bidet. You had six shower nozzles of coal to wash you out. That cleaned me right out. Yeah. But that's the strange thing because I don't think anyone, not only one person should really use a bidet. Surely if I've kept my bathroom clean. I mean, you can find bidets in hotels.

Think about how many arseholes they've seen. My question being, if someone came around for lunch and they were in there and they came out and they went, oh, I just used your bidet, would you bat an eyelid? Would you think that was strange behaviour or would you be fine with that? I would be more concerned about what had happened afterwards to the hand towel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there'd be some mopping up, wouldn't there?

Well, if you weren't cool with someone using it, surely you should put something around it. You should have a permanent roadblock around it. Like, why is it there if not to be used? Yeah. No, but look, honestly, I mean, I think I get what you're trying to ask me, Tommy. May I please? Yes. My butthole is Tommy. May I please? Yes.

My butthole is filthy. Can I please? So you've never used it in all this time living in this house? You've never once been curious? How often do you reckon Bart used it? I don't think it was Bart. Yeah. Go on and freshen yourself up, love.

Yeah. How often do you think Bart used it in a sex act? Yeah. That's a fair question. I think that's a very fair question. You're freshening yourself up, love. Yeah. How many of you, Bart, used it in a sex act? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's a fair question. I think that's a very fair question. Finally, the first time you've ever agreed to show yourself. I want to know how it's actually used.

You just turn the taps on and then use your hands to splash the water. Is that what's supposed to be done? I don't think it's splashy. I think it's like... I think it's like a real intense... Do your hands get involved at all, though? You need to be used to the positioning. No, you just turn the way... But then how do you drive?

Is this the Japanese end of Brunswick? Is that why that's in there? See, I have used... I've used them in hotels, but I haven't used my own one because... Is this Little Tokyo in Brunswick? No, because it's not one of those... It doesn't have buttons. It's like...

It's old-fashioned-y. You know, you turn the actual... The little copper taps and you turn them on. And it goes, and Wade used it and he said it was cold. And I was like, well, I'm not interested. Because if there's one thing I do in life, it's avoid... Cold water up your arsehole? Physical discomfort. Yeah, I avoid surprises to the arse.

Remember... And if I can't predict the temperature, then it's a surprise. It's not like dipping your toe in the water. It's a different part of the body whatsoever. It's interesting though, isn't it? Because no matter how much cycle, like you, your conscious mind goes, I know what's about to happen to my ass. But I would challenge anyone not to do a surprised expression with their face.

Even knowing what's about to happen. Even turning the tap with your own hand. You'd still be like, there'd be a surprised expression with their face. Even knowing what's about to happen. Even turning the tap with your own hand. You'd still be like, there'd be a flicker across your face. There should be a website called Bidet Faces, which is just faces of people using bidets. We're going to start it today. There's going to be four posts. That could be our Dumb Dumb Club merch.

We can get every guest who's on this show to use that bidet. Make a little trading card of them. People can swap. Oh, I've got four McGregors and I need a Xavier. And there's only one person with a smile on his butt. Yeah. That's the super rare one. Collectors are mad for us.

I was going to say, Claire, do you remember our friend Steve? Not Steve, who I'm organising a show with. Not business Steve. He told us to use baby wipes. Do you remember that, Steve? Oh, he was mad for them. Baby wipes. For an after-dinner wipe.

After-dinner wipe. Instead of using toilet paper. He used a bait like a... Oh, man. I think he started with toilet paper and he did a little finishy, refreshy thing at the very end. The very end he'd refresh. I don't think it was...

Just a little extra treat on the end. Because he said, and I remember I said that sounds crazy, and he goes, but yeah, if you got poo on your hands, wouldn't you try and, you know, use baby wipes to clean it off or something other than just paper?

And I thought, oh, that makes sense. And then a while later went, wait a second, I don't eat with my asshole. I eat with my hands. Now that's a while later. It took you a lot of time

when it passed before you realised that you don't eat with your asshole. It always takes me a little time. I suspect. I suspect. I suspect, though, when he was taught... You know, when we discovered the little pile of baby wipes by his toilet, we were like, what's going on here?

That was in that Perth... His Perth house, wasn't it? It was in his Perth house. No, but I found out because we were all staying when we did Comedy Festival. We were all staying in the same hotel. Oh, yes, and he had to get baby wipes. That's right. And that's the other time when also...

Good times. I shouldn't tell this story because it's a bit... You shouldn't have taken that hoodie off, Carl. Sorry, guys, your podcast. What do you want to say? Include yourself. The older I get, I agree with that. The more I sit there on the toilet and go...

Just the idea of getting out dry toilet paper and just rubbing it onto a part of your body that's got bad stuff. What else do you clean that way? What else do you clean? Yeah? What else do you clean? Yeah, exactly. With dry paper, no cleaning product, no moisture involved. Yes. Like, you wouldn't do that with your hands.

If you were digging a hole, you wouldn't come in and rub your hands on a piece of A4. And we're dealing with one of the most dirty of all the dirty things. Yeah, yeah. Something you, you know, a hole you should be ashamed of. And this is what... Your shame hole. Yeah. Buttholepride.com.

Wash your shame hole. Clean your shame hole. Is this in the same... That's the new ad campaign, isn't it? Is your relationship with your arsehole... You might be a shame hole. Is your relationship with your shame hole also in the same realm as you wanting to... Was it pull out your teeth?

Yes. These are the same sort of weird... You want to get everything clean. Because Carl wants to pull all his teeth out. And just give him a scrub and put them back in. That sounds like a good idea. That sounds great. Yeah.

That sounds insane. Because you've got these loose bloody gums. Oh, nice and clean. And you're jamming them back in. When people have lost teeth and made dentures, they've failed. That's the end. That's the wrong thing to have happened. I don't expect that it's a thing that's going to happen,

but it'd be nice if it did. That's all I'm saying. That's why men will always be on top, isn't it? That's true. Because they've only got one shame hole. You should have a proud hole. That's a proud hole. Carrying around twice the shame. That's a proud hole. Carrying around twice the shame.

That's a pride hole, not shame. Do you have two buttholes? I've never seen a lady in the nude, so that's a good question. I'd like to hear the answer to that. I've never seen him in the nude from the front. You've got a pen here. I'll draw you a diagram on the back of a battery packet. I thought you were going to write it on your own table.

Yeah. What about the use of, like, electronics and stuff in the bathroom? I thought you were going to say in your butthole. I'll save that for the next time. Yeah. Is that why? If we go out into that bungalow, I reckon there probably will be some devices that Bart's left there.

Electronic butthole or something. Is that how you guys lost the fourth mic? We are operating on three mics at the moment, yes. Yeah, like people taking, you know, like computers and stuff into the bathroom. Yeah, I don't know. Are you a bathroom? Oh, yes. Yes, prior to WIMP.

If you feel like paying a long visit, take your iPad mini in. But there is – Maybe I would maxi you loud as well. Oh, look, whatever. But I find the maxi is sort of a bit heavy. And then you just – I mean, let's not be animals. It's just at the point where you start clean up.

You put it aside and you don't touch it again. Great. We are kids. As soon as you've fingered your shame hole in any fashion, don't touch the iPad again because children might use it. I had a friend who one time I was at his house, and he's gone into the bathroom, and, you know, I was, like, watching TV, so it's, like, only after 10 minutes.

You go, he's been in there a while. I turn the TV down, and I can hear he's playing his guitar in there. He's, like, talking to the toilet with him. Now that I find excessive, but you know, laptop, I'll take the laptop in. You know, it's not a big deal. I'm a get in, get out guy. I've never, I never brought a, like people have books in the toilet

and stuff. I've got to get out of there as soon as I can. I used to do drumming on the toilet seat. Where were you sitting? On the toilet. Oh, okay. Not the top one, but I used to drum the... Down on the ceramic.

I thought you were straddling the toilet back to front. Down on that bit of ceramic that nobody ever washes. Yeah. Nobody ever cleans the underside, do they? Not that. The front underside. I'll have my phone in there. And my girlfriend reckons it's disgusting to check your phone

when you're in the toilet. She's like, oh, but it's in that room with you and it's getting all that. Jeff's like, yeah, but what about your clothes? That's the same deal applies to them. Don't you burn your clothes after a shit? So that's why you don't have any money. Yeah.

And two sets of clothes every day. You go to the toilet twice a day? Wow. two sets of clothes every day. Yeah. You go to the toilet twice a day? Wow. Do you? Do you go twice a day? Sometimes. Oh, yeah.

No. Okay, you're right. You can go twice a day. I've never thought about that. I can see what she means by that because I do have that thing of being in the toilet and it being a bit gross. And if someone was to read the newspaper in there and then go, there you go, I'd be like, nah, I'm all right. I know.

But also, this was my point to her. She goes, oh, it's so germy and it's so bad for you. I'm like, if that was true, I would be sick literally every single day. Yeah. And I'm generally fine. But it's like what I was saying before. I thought you were quite a sickly child, though. I was, yeah.

But don't you still get colds a lot? No, not really. Since he stopped going to the toilet, he's fine. Yeah, no, not much. No, I was hustling you out, but then what I'm doing is I'm hustling you out on the topic of health where you've actually had considerable hardships in your life. Yeah. I was just about to say, basically if you mean cancer, then sure.

If you mean cancer as a child. If you mean I've nearly died a few times. Yeah, sorry about that. Sorry, Tommy. You have one big dose of it early on and then you never get sick again. Really? I've had a cold since I was 12 years old. No way.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Give me a little while later and I'll work it out. I need a little time to sit on it. You can bring a sandwich up your butthole and then you, wait, wait, wait. Give me a little while later and I'll work it out. I need a little time to sit on it. You're putting a sandwich up your butthole and then you'll go, wait a minute. Wait a second.

Yeah. People think that progress is having a toilet inside, like that's a 20th century, 21st century sort of a thing to do. That's disgusting to have the place that you go to the toilet inside, isn't it? I think the old idea of doing it outside is a lot nicer. But we're fine now, Carl. If it was affecting us...

No, it is affecting us sitting down together in the toilet. We should be squatting. Have you ever gone to the toilet in the bush or the forest? It's great. You're in, you're out, it's done. You wipe, you go, I only had to wipe once. Should we be talking about poo this much?

Yeah, probably not. Because I'm about to get stuck in a little bit further. Oh, okay. It's a little bit late for that. What is going on though? I mean, I understand that this is the psychology of it and I've got a friend who's a psychiatrist and, you know, like they have to go through this,

you know, when you're learning about human psychology, they actually go through a thing which enables them to appreciate obsessive compulsive disorder better by understanding the way we're all inclined towards that thing. One of the things they do is they clean a toilet completely and then they have to lick it. What? Yes, but they've got a completely clean toilet seat and they lick it and the fact that you feel like, oh, my God, I shouldn't be doing this,

that's what you feel and it enables you to understand how people can take something that rationally makes sense and yet just feel a bit funny about it. And you're getting the same thing. You're going, I do poos in that room so that entire room is dirty. No, it's not. The poo comes out of one hole straight into another hole. You're not even, you're not touching it with your fingers. You're not throwing around the, I don't know what you do.

But the point is the poo doesn't go anywhere. It just drops from one to the other and it's gone. And you flush it away. And it disappears like magic. It's very contained. It's extremely clean. Yeah. What was the bit about licking the toilet again, though?

That was a death note because you'd go... I had a friend who used to poo in the shower and then push it down the toilet with his toes. But then you moved him out of the bungalow? Yeah. What about this? When me and my girlfriend were house hunting like this time last year, we saw a house where the toilet came straight off the kitchen.

Right there. Yeah, but I'm bored. Like a pantry right there. That's bad news. You don't want that. Yeah, I don't want that. It makes sense, I guess. You're in the kitchen eating and then straight into the toilet. Like, on paper want that. Yeah. I don't want that. It makes sense, I guess. You're in the kitchen eating

and then straight into the toilet. Like, on paper, that makes sense. Does it? It reminds me of Wilmot's joke. That one where he lives in a place where the stove... Steve Wilmot? Mike Wilmot.

Steve Wilmot. Steve Wilmot. I said his last name, damn it. No, he would sit on the toilet and then he'd make himself soup on the stove right next to him and go, circle of life right here. That is a very funny joke you've told from someone else.

Yeah, I said it was his joke. I didn't say it was mine, Carl. Sorry, I didn't read the book when I got here. The Coz has got one like that. Yeah, Coz. I know which Steve. Yeah. Steve Kalambaras.

That's Steve Kalambaras. That's Steve Kalambaras. That's who you're going into partnership with, isn't it? That's how I'm doing a show with Steve Kalambaras. Yeah. On the topic of going to the bathroom. What's such a joke we should explain? We should explain that. Because we did a gig, I did a gig with you, Xavier,

where it was at George Kalambaras' restaurant. St. Patrick's. And all through your set, you kept saying, thanks to Steve Colin Burrows. And everyone laughed a lot including us who laughed the most and you were like

okay, oh they really liked that bit I'll keep thanking him. I'm doing well. Thanks Steve. And then I did it a second time with Hoops as our Hoops knows it and the staff kept coming up to me

and going are you going to thank Steve again? It's his favourite thing. Really? And it spread to all the restaurants. Bart was saying, if I went to Hellenic Republic, all they say is a secret. They're all going, oh, Steve.

You know, they just love saying it. Is that where you're going to be recording Zayve's Corner? Yeah. Steve's Corner? I love that Steve is also your go-to name, apparently, by the way. You know how in your brain when you go picked out the sequel to Rubik's Cube, I just have Steve. That's about everything.

Steve's Cube. Steve, yeah. Big Steve. Steveo. I was going to bring it back to toilet talk, but it seems like we've finally... Let's get out. No, if we've got off it, stay off it. Yeah, let's get it. Literally get off the toilet.

You guys wanted to talk about how Xavier and I got into comedy. Because that's not a podcast cliche at all. I just think it's interesting that you, Claire, started comedy because of Xavier? Yeah, Xavier got me into it.

So I'd already started, which is sort of sad because Claire's a lot more successful than I am, but I've been doing it longer. You're like, look, you need your stage name, Steve Hooper. What do you think? All right, I've got a catchphrase with you. Finish every joke with, that's just like Steve. Steve told me to do it. That's what Steve says. Classic Steve. Steve called me to do it.

That's what Steve says. Classic Steve. Thanks, Steve. Good night. Who's your favourite member of Jackass? Steveo. I knew you were going to say that. I bet Zay's never seen an episode

where he's unfamiliar with who he is. I don't think you even heard your question then. What's your favourite type of chocolate bar? It's Steve's chocolate. Anyway, back to Perth. So you guys were both from Perth. You started out in Perth. Zabe, you were doing comedy first.

We both met each other. Well, I was already doing stand-up, and then we both started doing an impro show, part of an impro group, the Big Hooha. Yeah, yeah. Was that Hooha? Look, yeah, it was an impro show and I begged my way in, even though I'd never done any comedy.

I just, my boyfriend at the time was involved in this impro thing and I was like, I felt like, and I haven't done many things in my life because of this and I know I acted momentarily feminist when I made a shame hole joke before. But I just had a moment of feeling underrepresented. Like there were only a few girls in that troupe. And I was like, can you please let me be involved just to start evening it up a little bit. It was only two girls at that point when we first started. It was you and...

Libby Clice was doing it. And then there were two other ladies. There was that brown haired lady and that other lady. Steve. Steve. Anyway. Sorry, it's got to be boring because nobody gives a shit about our reminiscers. So the point is – Tom's actually checking his phone while we're talking.

He is literally checking his phone. Can I just interrupt this by saying I just got a missed call from Tommy Little and it's my favourite thing of someone leaving the message and it being translated by Telstra into words. Oh, yeah. leaving the message and it being translated by Telstra into words. Oh, yeah. So the message is, Jen, Doug here, weapon is on, both vagina whale. No. No.

You're making that up. I'm not making that up. Okay, now the thing is, it translated weapon perfectly, though. That's a good bit. That's what he actually calls himself. He actually does say he calls himself the weapon. Can I ask the vagina whale, how many shame holes does that have? Oh, one on the top of its head.

Shame hole. Yeah. Oh, boy. Anyway. Oh, you know what? The one thing, the tiny bit of research that I did five minutes before I got here, I knew Claire Hooper was... That's why you were half an hour late.

Yes. Because you did five minutes of research. I was actually waiting for this contraption to be dropped off to me, what we're recording on at the moment. But there's a trivia part on everyone's IMDb page. That's my favourite bit of anyone's IMDb page. Two shame holes. I believe, I'd have to double check this,

I believe your trivia is female comedian. So is that really trivia? Or is that like... Well, I think that you would struggle to frame a question in a pub quiz night around that piece of trivia. What would it... True or false? Yeah. Semi-colon, female comedian.

Is that how you... But I like the idea that it's, why are you coming to your IMDB page and then being surprised by you being a female comedian? Like, what were you there to start with? Yeah. So they don't have too much

on you, but they're going to have plenty more after hearing this episode. Here's something I found out. We've been talking about this recently when you put someone into Google and it suggests, you know, it'll suggest the search. Yeah. So sometimes if it's like a famous male, you put such and such boyfriend because that's a lot of people.

Yeah, okay. If you put is Steve, it'll be the only thing that Xavier ever thinks about, you know, that sort of thing. So here's two things that come up for you. Claire Hooper married. Yep. And Claire Hooper hot.

Oh. Which I like the people who are trying to, like, Google that. Like, I think she's hot. Let's see what the people think. Yeah. Let's see what Jeeves thinks. Well, that's really nice. That's Jeeves' boner.

Yeah. But that gives me a long way to fall. But is it creepy, though, as well? Because there's guys out there going, look at some hot pics of Claire Hooper. That's happening right now. It's creepy. Is it good in a little way or not?

I don't know. Shamehole pics. Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to Google Claire Hooper shame hole into Google so that comes up automatically. I don't think it's an experiment that shouldn't happen. Because if that keeps happening...

Okay, so we're all just going to keep Googling Claire Hooper shame hole. There's a demand for it and then someone will create that. They'll go, oh, there's a demand for it. You'll put in some words for this podcast, won't you, so that when people are searching, you will. I mean, so if people search Claire Hooper shame hole, this podcast inevitably will come up and nothing else. Sure.

Hopefully. Well, we've still got to pose for a photo at the end of this to put up. And it's also too bad that registrations for comedy festival have closed because that could have been the title of your show. Yeah. How silly of me. I mean... Yeah, and you know what?

The publicity photos I've taken would work just fine as well. James Penn ladies would be into it, into a reshoot, I'm pretty sure. No, you don't need to. You should see the photos. Oh, really? They do for shame, though. Totes. Yeah.

Yeah. Some great photos. Yeah. I'm wearing a swimsuit and I'm shoving plums into my face and the juice is dripping. Oh, yeah. So you're doing a show about plums this year? Yeah.

But, you know, like I'm... You thought it was a bit hack to start with or... A lot of food-based shows this year. Oh, they're really... Lomas doing a show about cabbage. Right. And edibles. Lomas doing a show about coffee. You know, Edmonds. Lomas doing a show about coffee.

You know, plums. You doing a show about Edible Steve? Really? Anytime you try and get Steve back in there, that was the longest stretch. Edible Steve?

I'd get him to wipe before I ate him. You'd get to wipe Steve. I wouldn't start with Steve's shame hole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, but plums are a euphemism for the old ball sack and the intestinal fortitude that they imply.

You know, like have you got the plums? Yeah. And that's something I'm really a bit fascinated with just because I never really have. You know, like for a comedian, I'm surprisingly cowardly. Like I'm not a bit fascinated with just because I never really have, you know, like for a comedian I'm surprisingly cowardly, like I'm not a very bold person. I'm the sort of person that goes, how funny would it be if you went up to that guy and said blah, blah, blah and that's where it ends,

whereas other people live boldly. You've never even washed your arse in your own house. Yeah. Exactly. I haven't even used the bidet that I paid for with my own money, and I've owned this house for three and a half years. I've got an opening for your comedy festival show, literally. Yeah, you should pull that out on stage.

The bidet. The bidet, yeah. Is it a bidet or a bidet? Really just depends what language. I thought it was Tuesday. It depends whether you're right or wrong, I guess. Carl, you just missed a sweet gag I just did. I can't believe. It really just depends what language. I thought it was Tuesday. It depends whether you're right or wrong, I guess. Kyle, you just missed a sweet gag I just did. I can't believe you missed it.

No, some of those words are right. Sorry, I wasn't meant to do a show plug. No, no, that's fine. Let's talk about it. Plums. Is he at the end of the plug? Yeah, that was my full stop. Oh, okay.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Plums. Well, hey, I've got something. I've got some mail that was my full stop. Oh, okay. Isn't that what you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Plums. Well, hey, I've got something. I've got some mailbag. Oh, sweet. Oh, sweet. I'm going to give you the back story. A couple of months ago on this program,

Carl went around putting up posters that had my phone number on them. Yep. A few people texted me and whatever. And then as retaliation, I gave out his number on the show. So he's been getting a lot of calls and texts and stuff. A few people texted me and whatever. And then as retaliation, I gave out his number on the show, so he's been getting a lot of calls and texts and stuff. A lot.

A lot. I've had six today, by the way. Most of them from my husband. So there was a point where you were getting haikus from people about cleaning your car. And last week we read some of these haikus out and we thought there was one that was particularly aggressive. So Carl gave that person's number out on the show. And we said, hey, why don't you listeners message this person. Instead of me.

Instead of Carl. And maybe our listeners can get together and have a bit of a chat. So someone did it. And I've gotten in the Dundon Club email, I've gotten screencasts of the correspondence. Oh, wow. All right. The person on this telephone number. So they've sent the texts off.

I think they've called up because this first text comes straight from the number, and I think it's after a call. So the person who sent me this, they've called the number that we read out on the show. They'd never heard of you. They didn't know what this was. Oh, they answered and they said, oh, you know, because you texted Carl Chandler. And the person on the other line went, I don't know who or what that is. And so then they've written this. This is a text. You're not looking for Steph. She borrows my phone sometimes. I've been I've been a lot of shit from

I've been getting a lot of shit from people I don't know. Tell Carl my bad. And then this person writes back. That's cool. Is Steph your girlfriend? Nah. Mum's sister-in-law's daughter. Cousin-in-law? We live a street away so we see each other every other day. Shit gets

borrowed all the time. What? And then this guy writes back, Have you had many messages for Carl? And he writes back, From Carl? No. Makes me wonder at the shit she was saying. All messages have been deleted as well as my call list.

And then this guy writes, But have you been getting many strange messages today? How old is Steph? 19, I think. She thinks she's 25. Strange messages. I had some guy asking when he could collect his token between the sheets. What the fuck?

I don't want to know that shit. And then, wait, if you're not Carl, who is this? And then the messages stop. So basically what's happened is someone has borrowed someone else's phone, used it to text you, and then deleted all evidence. And so now this guy who's maybe been getting calls and texts from our listeners. I don't believe that that's true at all. I think this guy is just making up a story because, you know what,

that went out and that happened, right? Yeah. And then I didn't get any – because that's a guy who's been hassling me nonstop. Right, okay. And then nothing happened for about three, four days, and then he poked his head back up again and went, yeah, so someone rang me. Yeah, right. And I was like, oh, you're back. And he's like and went, yeah, so someone rang me. Yeah, right.

And I was like, oh, you're back. And he's like, oh, yeah, well, to be honest, I only got one call and a couple of text messages. I'm a bit disappointed because I was sort of thinking when you gave it out, I was like, oh, this is not going to be good. But then after a few days, I'm like, bring it on. So, guys, go back. This guy was disappointed by not being hassled enough.

We've all now on air. Okay. Should we? Have you got his number? Is this good? Have you got the number saved? I will have, yeah, for sure. What do you reckon, Claire?

Is this a thing that you would have done on your... On your little radio show? Is there a chance? Hang on. Hang on. Is there a chance? Oh, it's got Luke McGregor there. If this goes wrong, is there a chance that this guy could end it all?

I love Luke McGregor. Because if so, I'll definitely call. Everybody does. It does get really boring for Luke McGregor being we're having a different conversation. And also like going off mic to have it but holding the mics directly into

your mouth as you're doing it. Hey, everything we say is precious. You keep talking. I've just got to find this number now. There you see. That's what we were doing. But he's just going to pretend it's not him and just say that it's my friend, Steph, as someone who thinks they're 25. Maybe he spelled Steve wrong.

All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. If he's going to steal my deal with Steve, I'm going to be furious. All right. Am I ringing him? Am I ringing him?

Here's the last text messages that I got from him. Don't know what the other guy told you, but my cousin has been sending people messages from my phone, not just to you. Well, then that matches up with the story, Carl. Yeah, but then immediately straight after, still kept sending messages to me, though. But maybe that's Steph sending the messages as him, Carl.

Look, call and put it on speaker and hold it up to your mind. Steph's going through a lot of stuff. She lives across the road. Steph. She doesn't know what her age is. Here we go. Let's get to the bottom of this. Here we go.

0-4-1-7-8-5-8-4-8-5. Just to confirm, guys. Yeah, down onto the... No, the mic. Wait. It's good stuff so far Leave a message You fucking coward Where's Steph or whoever the bullshit you're making up with

Why don't you answer the phone, hey This is on the podcast, you could have been a star What's wrong with you, where's Steph? I think you should hang up Why don't you answer the phone? Hey, this is on the podcast. You could have been a star. What's wrong with you? Where's Steph? I think you should hang up. Okay. That's done.

Now, that was some classic award-winning Carl Chandler intro right there. The scene was a voicemail and great stuff. Tell Tommy I just got 163,695 in Tiny Wings. So that's the last message they sent to me. Yeah, and you've taken your time telling me that. Well, sorry about that. We should have opened up the episode with that. It should have been the starting thing.

I've never played Tiny Wings. It's great. Yeah. I believe you can get a lot of points for your game centre by playing Tiny Wings. You know, it's one of those ones that you can... If you want a higher ranking on game centre... Tiny Wings. You know, it's one of those ones that you can – if you want a higher ranking on Game Centre. Tiny Wings.

I'm 36. And you just – so have we mentioned you've just moved back to Melbourne. You were in Sydney for what, two years? Two years. I got a commercial radio contract. It was 24 months. And we didn't suit each other. But 24 months is a long time to do something that you're wrong for, isn't it?

Why were you wrong for it? I would have thought that they'd let me go. Well, I don't think you were wrong for it. It's just you didn't get as much enjoyment out of it as you were from other things. Yeah, we weren't philosophically aligned. I just, yeah, I just wanted to go all the time. But did you tell them that? Did you say it?

Well, look, it's an awkward one because I don't want to be indiscreet, but, yeah, I did start the conversation. That was your phone-in topic every morning. Have you ever had a job that you're desperately trying to get out of? Oh, man. Give us a call. That's right. We'd have these planning meeting sessions, which is like,

what do people want to talk about? And I just wanted to go, you you know when you hate your boss how about we do a caller topic which is what you know when you didn't turn up to work because you don't want to go there anymore um all your prank calls were hi is this steve can i have a job um yeah there was you know like it's one of those funny things where you know that there's nothing really wrong with the job except you just hate it so much. But maybe because you got fixated on the idea that you hated it. Yeah. But maybe if you were like, no, maybe I could love this

and you could still be there right now. I know. I hadn't seen you for a long time when you were working there and you came down in April last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. So you must have been working for a year or eight months or something. I've been just over, yeah. Yeah, and I hadn't seen you for that long and I went to see Xavier's show and I sat down next to you and went, oh, how's it going, Claire?

And then that was the start of you unloading for like ten minutes before Xavier's show about how depressed you were about doing the job and how much you hated it. Oh, Carl, I'm so sorry. No, that was fine. I was like, wow, that bullet was locked and loaded. That was ready to go. Yeah, I was ready to go.

If a stranger had sat down next to us, we'd have gotten that. Yeah, we were in the dark. I don't know if you knew that was me, actually. There's only one way to cure such an awkward conversation, and that's with one of Xavier Michaeletti's award-winning shows. Yeah, yeah. That's why Claire went back to work for another year after that. It was a brilliant show and it gave me another nine months

at the radio station. I should not sound ungrateful because they pay you very well, but I would not do it. I wouldn't. If they doubled the money, I wouldn't do it. It was a big mistake. What if they threw in another bidet? I was not a good fit.

If they doubled the money, threw in another bidet. Because I got two shame holes, you know. What about this? This is something I don't know if we've properly ever talked about this. We've talked about this on the show. You were in an episode of Sleuth 101. Oh, I loved that show. It was an ABC detective series where people would act out kind of like a murder

and then a celebrity guest would come in and watch the pre-film bits and interview the actor who played the suspect. Who else was on that show, though? I want to know who else was on it. I was on one episode. Who was? Oh, really? Oh, wow.

As part of the cast. And you were the detective. Yes, I was. I was a suspect. Yeah, you were. And you really the detective. Yes, I was. So I was a suspect. Yeah, you were. And you really saved me. No, I believe it is you were suspect. I believe that's the phrase.

Well, there was a bit of suspect acting going on. I have to do a Dutch accent. Oh, yes. Which I watched horrendously. Can we have a sound grab of that now? Can we have your Dutch accent now? No, why? Oh, hey, I've done McGregor.

Okay. My McGregor impression. Not the same at all. Do it. Come on. Okay. All right. See, I haven't had the same amount of kind of preparation that I had when I did the role,

which is watching a Dutch clip on YouTube for two minutes. Okay. So keep in mind that I haven't done all of that before this. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to remember what it was. One of the lines was, name the world's most famous tennis player.

Is this how the show went when they were shooting it? Please. All right. Please. Name the world's most famous tennis player. That's pretty good. That's classic Billy Connolly. That was great.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's very good Connolly. That was great. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's very good. I don't know why you're worried about that. That was great. We did all the pre-filmed stuff. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Keep going.

I have to say that was better than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. I think we all feel like that. We've been working on it in retrospect. Yeah, yeah. In case it ever comes up again. Yeah.

Since the time it did originally come out of your shame hole. Yeah. So we pre-filmed all the stuff and I'm feeling really bad about it. Like I thought I'm not doing a good job of this at all. And I kind of felt like the director was, I don't know, maybe being too nice or something. But everyone was like, no, if you're doing a shit job, he would tell you. I'm like, that's clearly not the case because I am botching this.

So then we do the pre-film stuff and then we get to the day where we record. I thought you were funny in that show. I thought you were funny in that show. Weren't you like banging the table and pretending to be angry at some point? Yeah, that's what acting is. Yeah.

It was hilarious. We did a test run before you came in with like a stand-in guy who interviewed us. Yes. And he's called me out on my shit accent. Yeah. And then the directors came up and went, if that happens when Claire is here,

just drop it and say that you're actually from Moonee Ponds and you were just pretending to be Dutch to impress people. Yeah. And so then I went, well, I've got to make this even shitter. Yeah. There is such a thing. Because then if you uncover it, then it's like, ta-da, it was meant to be shit.

And I've got to thank you because you did. because then if you uncover it, then it's like, ta-da, it was meant to be shit. And I've got to thank you because you did. Within 30 seconds, you pulled the rug out from under your gun. Where's that accent from? And then I got to drop it and get lots of acting work afterwards. I've never done another thing.

Thank you, Claire. Tommy Daslow's school of acting. Always have another character that you're pretending to be on top of your original character. So if someone says you're not good, just go, yeah, well, actually, I'm just Tommy Dasolo's school of acting. Always have another character that you're pretending to be on top of your original character. So if someone says you're not good, just go, yeah, well, actually, I'm just Tommy Dasolo. Yeah.

That's how Daniel Day-Lewis does it. He's always in Daniel Day-Lewis. You're not Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Oh, you're right, guys. You got me. I'm Danny. Tommy Dasolo.

Danny D. Yeah, hoodwinked me. But, yeah, that was a... I've got to thank you because that really saved me. I know you're very desperate to see this car. I love it. And here's something I've been holding off on telling you for a very long time, but I think in honour of this episode, I'll bring this out.

It's on YouTube. In its entirety. So what about that? Wow. After this episode goes up, people can watch. We'll put it up. We'll put a link up. Interrogating me as a quote-unquote Dutch.

I think my problem might have been... What's it called again? Sleuth 101. Sleuth 101. The main problem might have been that the bulk of my research was watching Austin Powers' Goldmember. To be honest, when you talked before, I was like, I reckon you've just copied Lawrence Mooney's Dutch accent.

I think that's it. I've never seen Rudy Van Der Stoen before that, so I guess that would have helped me a lot. But look, guys, I think that does bring us to the end of a little dum-dum. Oh, great, because I want to get on YouTube. For another week. Xavier and Claire, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.

It's plug time. Xavier, what have you got coming up? I'm going to be doing the Perth Fringe, Adelaide Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival. My show's called Good Morning, so go check the relevant websites to go and see that fantastic show. And I'll tell you what, his show's looking good. Thanks.

Yeah, it sounds pretty funny, especially those bits I suggested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to use those bits. Yeah, we know the bit. That bit? Yeah. My show's called Plums, and I'm not quite across where I'm going to be yet,

but I'm doing first week of March in Adelaide Fringe and then doing the whole Melbourne Comedy Festival, but I'm also going to be dropping into some other parts of the country as well. And it is a prequel to your 2014 show, Shamehunter. That's right. So get on board early, folks. Guys, we've got our own shows coming up at the Brisbane Comedy Festival and the

Melbourne Comedy Festival. We've got solo shows at Brisbane Comedy Festival and the big live show on the... Is it Saturday or Sunday? Saturday the 4th, I believe. Yep, sounds right. BrisbaneConfest.com You can get all that stuff. I'm doing the Adelaide Fringe Festival. We are both doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival and we're doing the live Dum Dum Clubs

every Monday evening in the Town Hall you can check that out email us littledumdumclub at gmail.com twitter at dumdumclub

buy a t-shirt buy a t-shirt we're selling we're selling a few t-shirts you know what the pile is going down excellent that's what we want to hear

yeah guys thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time see ya mates oh they all said it here. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mate! Oh, they all said it.