The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 123 - Brendon Burns

Episode Date: January 28, 2013

Uncle Pissflaps, Eating Fruit and Celtic Designs.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, the Comedy Festival season is coming up and we have got some shows that you can come and see all across Australia. Brisbane, Carl, what have we got for them? We've got solo shows. What have we got? You've got Tommy Daslow in Spread and I've got Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. Yes, sirree, Bob.

What do we do? We do like four or five solo shows up there at the end of February? Yep, I think we're in the same room one after the other. My show is all about my grandpa inventing, my great-grandpa inventing Vegemite. Yours is your classic one-liners. Yeah. Thick and fast for an hour.

Yeah. Non-stop coming at you. And you're like, what, 7 o'clock, 7.30? I think I'm at 7 and then you're at like 8.30 or something. So we're back-to-back. So, guys, you can come and see us back-to-back, see the two big dum-dum chiefs back to back. Yep.

And then on the Saturday of that week, we are doing a live dum-dum club in the Brisbane Powerhouse. This is all taking place in the Brisbane Powerhouse. Brizconfest.com to get your tickets. Come down and see us. I am then going to be in Adelaide for two weeks at the Rhino Room doing my new show, Spread. So come down and check that out. The Rhino Room is a great venue. I didn't come to Adelaide for two weeks at the Rhino Room doing my new show, Spread. So come down and check that out.

The Rhino Room is a great venue. I didn't come to Adelaide last year. It'd be great to see some Adelaide friends of the show down there because I know there's a bunch of you. And then straight after that, it is the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Once again, we are both doing our new shows at the Forum Theatre. The whole run of the festival. So we're on for four weeks or something,

so plenty of chance to come down and see our new shows. And then every Monday we do, every Monday at the Comedy Festival, we do a live Dumb Dumb podcast, which we did last year. There were heaps of fun. We had heaps of people come out. And if you want to listen to them back, I think we've got one on iTunes. We've got a couple on Bandcamp. Yep, littledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com.

We had Andrew O'Keefe, Tony Martin, Kamau Nanjiani, John Safran, Dave O'Neill, heaps of great guests, heaps of friends of the show. It's only going to be bigger this year. That's last year, yeah, yeah, for sure. So we're going to have big names this year, new surprise guests. It's going to be awesome. So don't miss out. That was so much fun last year. You can see some video clips on YouTube as well and all the details and stuff for that. Comedyfestival.com.au. I don't think it's quite up yet, but very soon.

Put it in your diaries. Come check us out wherever you are in the country. We'd love to see you, and we'll see you there. See you there, mates. That's slick. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club. For another week, my name is Tommy Dasolo.

Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We're recording this in the CBD. It is a beautiful summer's afternoon. I caught the tram here into the city. And like I've mentioned that I live on the tram line that's kind of the 86 in Melbourne that's known for being a bit of a weirdo magnet. It's known for being a bit of a rough tram.

And like I don't, it's pretty rare that I actually encounter anything too bad on there. But this happened today. I was on the tram on the way in here. We've stopped at a stop. The doors have swung open. This frail, junky-looking woman steps up onto the steps into the tram, goes, fuckhead, and then just gets out. Didn't even get on the tram, just got back and walked out.

To who? Who did she say that to? To the tram as a whole. Oh, really? To life, to the universe, to mankind. Just in, fuckhead. How great's that? What a catchphrase.

Did everyone on the tram just go, I think she was talking about you? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's that old thing, like, if you know there's a fuckhead on the tram and you don't know who it is, it's you. Exactly. It's that old thing, like, if you know there's a fuckhead on the tram and you don't know who it is, it's you. Yeah. Yeah.

Today on the show we have a very special guest. It's probably the first guest who's ever flown into Melbourne specifically to do this show, which is a big deal for us. He is an Edinburgh Comedy Award winning comedian. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Brendan Burns. Yay! Thanks very much, fellas. Thank you very much for taking the time out of your schedule to come down and join us.

It's Melbourne via Sydney. Yeah. Well, it's, you know, I'm touring and I was supposed to be in Sydney to do like The Mix with Uncle Pissflaps. Or Australian radio used to be amazing. You were saying it's like earlier, you were saying a podcast like radio, but no one listens. No, that's going to change.

Yeah. Because no one listens to radio anymore. But Australian radio used to be a world beater. Yeah. It really did because, and I believe it's because Australians don't feel remotely self-conscious when they're on the phone. And like any time I had friends that come to Australia the first time and it's the phone-ins and it's that whole attitude of someone

just getting on a tram going, fuck it. Which I have to say, I know it's par for the course for you, but I always feel a sense of national pride any time that happens. I'd like it if she had gone long-time listener, first-time caller. Fuck head. Where are me big day out tickets? Big fan of the show. And somehow I think somewhere along the way people started getting

concerned whether people on the radio were pretty or not. Yeah. But there was a real boom period of Australian radio. I remember when it was like that's where comics went. That's where comedians got hired yeah because you know australian television was so backward and really kind of based in the 50s i mean the fact that there's still adverts in the middle of a television show yeah uh of like you know some woman was selling hair removal cream called nads and no one laughs i'm gobsmacked does that still exist is that still around i believe so believe so. I've always, I've watched

what was it, Burt Newton? And they go now a special announcement. And I'm going how fast was my flight? Is it 1950? What the fuck? And this woman, this Greek woman goes I've always had very hairy daughters and no one laughed. And she goes that's why I came up with my own hair

removal system called NADS and no one fucking laughed. And so that's where comed came up with my own hair removal system called NADS. And no one fucking laughed. And so that's where comedians went was the big money was in breakfast radio. And it was a real, you know, it was world-class radio. And then I come back now and it's just this banal shit that definitely isn't the demographic. Let's not go too crazy. A lot of friends of this show are on purpose radio here in Melbourne. Is there good radio?

I mean, I was just flipping through in Sydney and it was like they were doing a song parody of a hip-hop song and they were explaining what a parody was. And I was screaming at the radio. It's like, I mean, you guys are Opium Anthony fans in New York? They have a thing called Jocktober where they take the piss out of bad radio. I'm dying next time I go in for their, just say, for Jocktober you've got to do Australia.

It's the most banal phone-ins ever. I like that going on radio and explaining what a parody is is actually quite a good parody of radio. You know what I mean? It's a good parody of a good... How do you explain that? Like you're going to recognise his tune, but the words are going to be a bit silly.

Here we go, guys. And they were claiming, like they were going, you know what, we were just mucking around when we did this, but it's gone huge. It's gone viral. How's it fuck?

And it was obviously going to be a Pretburger number. Pretburger is a website that all these hacky radio stations steal their stuff from. Right. Well, they don't steal. They subscribe to it, and then they have... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can buy jokes their stuff from. Right. Well, they don't steal. They subscribe to it and then they have really hacky. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can buy jokes and stuff from them.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. They have ideas for parodies. Right. And they just, yeah, you subscribe and they tell these radio stations what to do. So it's obviously straight out of Prep Burger when they're even going, this thing's gone viral.

It's coming Australia Day anyway. And so I'm going, really? So you're going to take a hip-hop song and make it Aussie, are you? Yeah. It was ostentatious as Australiana. Wasn't that in the 80s? What's going on? I have to say, when I was a kid,

and the first time I ever saw a song parody, it blew my mind. I have to say, as a five-, six-, seven-year-old, I thought, this is alchemy. Like, what's going on? This is the best thing of all time. But I think it lasted 12 months. But I like the idea that everyone else that's still into it, these radio people or whatever, they're me at age six.

They're fascinated by it. Which is why I've flown in here anyway, because I said to the PR, because I'm here promoting my national tour with Mick Foley. Yes. The wrestling comedy show. Yep. And it's me doing jokes about wrestling and him telling stories from backstage in the WWE.

And I just said, put me podcasting, because that's the demographic, because that's the people that buy tickets. Yeah. But, you know, you said no one listens to podcasts or whatever. Yes, they do. They specifically. I didn't.

Look, I said that off. I didn't say that on the podcast. I would never insult the people that I said that off. I didn't say that on the podcast. I would never insult the people that listen to this show. I know... Yes, I... You know, I... No one listens to radio anymore. Why would you? Why would you

be bothered by a prick changing the words to a hip-hop song? When you can listen to something being recorded in the middle of a restaurant right now. But then they come back. And what really bugged me is they did the fucking thing of they went, oh, you recorded this. You recorded this two days ago. Don't, a laugh is supposed to be born of a surprise.

That's what it is. It's like, oh, I wasn't expecting that. Therefore, I'm laughing. It's like, you know, as they say, it's like sneezing on purpose. You can't. Yeah, you're right. So you have to be faking this. I was like, I'm with my 13-year-old kid and I'm screaming at the radio

just going, you are fucking embarrassing me, embarrassing my country, embarrassing your father. And, you know, I'll probably shove myself in the foot because I'm supposed to be doing it. Yeah, yeah. That's why you're in the middle of a restaurant right now. No wonder Uncle Pissflaps doesn't want you on the show. Yeah.

Now, with Mick, I mean, he's a massive wrestler in that world. Does it work similar to comedy? Like, you know, I mean, we're all sort of coming up, I guess, through, you would have started the same as us, at open mic at some stage. Do wrestlers have Open Mic? Where did you get to get to that stage? They start off at the indie circuit.

They've got an indie circuit, which is huge. There's a massive crossover of comedy wrestling fans. Is there a tryout Open Mic Wrestling Night where you've got to bring five mates along to watch you smash some guy in the head? Now it's like if WWE sees a talent, they sign them to a developmental contract and they learn how to wrestle the WWE way, which is taking into account the cameras

and all that sort of stuff. And also, you know, cutting promos, which is kind of an art form in itself. But it's the same. It's the same lifestyle. You're on the road. We've got a lot in common with them. Yeah.

Can you bomb as an open mic wrestler? Totally bomb. Can you? It's the same lifestyle. You're on the road. We've got a lot in common with them. Can you bomb as an open mic wrestler? Totally bomb. Can you? That's what I said to Mick as well. I said, there's got to be stories where you tanked. And he tells a great story. I said, if you do something new and it bombs,

tell a story about tanking in the ring. Because everyone loves death stories. And he's got one in his book, which I just love. There was a guy, when he was starting out, he went out and he missed his spots. And, you know, a guy threw a punch at him and it was miles away and he still sold the punch, as they say. Right. And he walked backstage into the dressing room

and he's just embarrassed. He's thinking, my career is over. And this guy came up and he told him a story of there was another bloke who was starting out and he was working uh he was working heel bad guy as they say and it was a battle royal and the end was supposed to be the finish was supposed to be that uh he whatever he does his finishing move on the baby face and while he is jeering at the crowd like yeah what do you think of your hero now?

All that sort of stuff. The babyface is going to dropkick him from behind and send him over the top rope, thereby winning the battle royal. But what happened was, so he does his finishing move, the babyface is still on the ground and the guy has got his back turned to the babyface, the good guy, as they call him,

and he's going, yeah, fuck your hero, fuck you people, this town is a piece of shit, whatever. And someone throws an empty popcorn can and hits him in the back of the head. He thinks it's the dropkick and throws himself over the top of the road. So it's that kind of stuff we do on the road. Yeah, you're right.

That sounds really similar to a gig me and Carl had last night. We had an empty popcorn container at me. I thought it was the red light, so I got off stage. No, it was similar. I heard one person laugh, and I thought it was like a standing ovation. So I started bowing. I was like, yeah, thanks, everyone. I'll sign autographs at the end of the show.

Thanks, guys. Well, you know, Tommy was telling me earlier, you know the thing that we all say in comedy of what do you think of that? What do you think of Macca? Oh, he's a nice guy. What do you know, Tommy was telling me earlier, you know the thing that we all say in comedy of, what do you think of that, you know, what do you think of Macca? Oh, he's a nice guy. What do you think of Zach? Oh, he's a nice guy. Yeah, yeah. That's actually born of me doing that on WTF. And now all comics say that.

But I stole it from Owen Hart. Owen Hart, the wrestler. Right. Again, it's in Mick's book. That's what they used to say about wrestlers. So you know how comedians always have the, he's a nice guy thing. Yeah, yeah. That's from the wrestling. I like how quick you are to lay claim to being a prick to someone

behind their back. That was me, guys. That was me. I gave birth to that one. I think it was act. I was a nice guy. But it was Owen Hart that would go, what do you know? You're saying before me, people didn't know quite how to be an arsehole

in comedy? Yeah. I stole being an arsehole from someone else. I stole being an arsehole. Well, I'll tell this quickly because Carl, you and I had a gig together last night at one of your rooms at Felix Bar in St Kilda. Yes. You were hosting and at the start of the gig, I was out. There's like a weird little like front room at the front of that venue where it's like its own room but the the sound from the gig

gets piped in yes and there's a pool table there so people there who are playing pool can hear the gig but they can't be heard yeah so i was sitting over there going over my set and i got to hear people listening to the start of your jokes and their own commentary so you'll hate doing this but can you can you do one of your jokes, and then I'll do this girl's response to it. The joke about you saw a snowman or a guy eating the carrot. Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah, right. So you do that, and then I'll be the girl hearing it through the speakers. Right. Okay. So I'll just do the whole joke? Yeah. Okay. The joke is I saw a fat guy on the street.

He was chewing on a carrot. I didn't know whether he was going on a health kick or if he'd nearly eaten a whole fucking snowman. Ha ha, what an idiot. Was that the fat guy or me that was the idiot? No, I don't know. I did enjoy that. Or the carrot.

Ha ha, what an idiot. Like, if it had been a comic strip, what would have been spelt W-O-T? Like, it was that hard pronunciation, if it had been a comic strip, what would have been spelt W-O-T? Like, it was that hard pronunciation, but. I hope she was playing pool and she was just about to pot the black, and she paused and said that. What an idiot. That's pretty much what, she was mid-shot.

Yeah, right. I love that, as an Aussie as well, you kept in a fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is effectively a surreal, nice little whimsical joke. Yeah. But you've gone, but you know what? I better put a fucking snowman. I better get this over the line.

I better fucking, that joke is much better without the fucking. We'll take it out in post. We've talked about this on the show about trying to, you know, you take swearing out. But I've had that where, you know, the first time you do a bit, you swear a bit more to kind of fill in the gaps. And you go, yeah, and then he's like like fucking this and then you sort of tighten it up and you go well that word that swear word doesn't need to be in there it'll make the joke more

compact but then you try it without it's just it's just the magic isn't there yeah it's just something about the rhythm of fucking at the it's also that because it's uh you know how before we were recording you we were discussing i i can go to an open mic night in Australia and I'm sold from start to finish, right? And you go to the States and there's almost too much polish. People will behave the same way in front of three people as they would in front of 300.

Right. So someone will get up and act like they're talking to a room full of 300 people. Yeah, right. And there's only three people in. And here the comedy scene is rooms atop bars. So the fact of the matter is you're always talking to the audience. You're always behaving like you're in the room with these people

and because it's in a bar, that's actually just how people speak in an Australian bar. Just this fucking guy and fucking that fucking he's fucking snowman and whatever yes you watch aussie stand-up on telly and you're going everyone's dropping an f-bomb every every second second word and it's not like shocking or anything every second fucking word oh it's because they're doing pubs yeah and if you didn't do that people would probably notice yeah but they don't notice the fucking in the pub yes yeah right do you know what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah the atmosphere yeah if you said it if yeah

i've noticed yeah you do it in different places someone like you know where do you live ah fucking leadable yeah even crowd work and the response from the crowd which is shocking to me how australian radio is so good that when australians ring in they. Yeah, yeah. I'm gobsmacked because they are so... This is an example of how unselfconscious Australians are. And maybe now that you've got X Factor and the voice here, maybe that's changing now because everyone's always been, you know... To be fair, in the X Factor, the X is censored the word fuck. That's what that means.

It's the fuck factor. It's actually cunt factor. We don't muck around. That's why we put the X in. It was fuck factor. It'd be fine. Clearly, fucking isn't a factor for you. And maybe because in Britain, it was like, you know,

that's where Pop Idol began, right? It's Simon Cowell's company. Yeah. So, and Big Brother began and there's more obsession with the general public being celebrities than anywhere else in the world, right? And that's where that was born. So, people are being bred in this environment now of everything's your big break. You could be famous.

Yeah. So, when people are phoning in, maybe that's radio isn't so as good as it was is people are taking that breath in of like oh this good spielberg might be listening yeah you know because in actual fact you know people are becoming famous for doing fucking nothing yeah uh but but previously like i said this is an example to me of how unselfconscious australians are is um oh god what's his name most famous cricketer bradman no no no the donald fucking bradman no the bowler the the guy still around warning shane for men shane warne shane warne thank you yes um shane warne was doing commentary i think i think there's a mob coming to kick you out of this country

warn his name off the top of your head. I just went blank for a second. You didn't even recognise it when I said it twice. My hearing aid is feeding back to me as well. That's not even a joke. I actually do have a hearing aid. Yeah, right. And so Shane Warne was doing commentary, I think it was for the World Cup or something in England.

Yeah. And they were cutting to the studio and they had Australian fans outside a stadium. And the British commentator said, ah, you've got Australian fans out the front. It was when the Socceroos were doing really well. And they said, we've got Shane Warne in the studio, and the guy, without even skipping a beat,

he's on a television camera. He just goes, ah, g'day, Warne, how you going? And the thing is, it was so immediately, like, just they were, the commentators couldn't get it. The other commentators were looking at Shane Warren like, do you know this guy? And it's like, no, he's just Australian. He's just not thinking that he's on TV. He's just, you know, when the reason that Australian radio used to be so great is because people didn't treat it like they were on radio. They treated it like it was a free phone call.

Yeah, right. And it was just a very genuine conversation. And now there's just a bit too much showbiz, glitch, hacky, prep burger bullshit going on. Yeah, right. Well, we'll get back to gigs. We had a little bit to do with you a bit over a year ago. One of these times, like right now, you've flown into Melbourne.

You had something to do. I think you were seeing your son, and then you were taking off again. And you were good enough to come and do Soft Belly Comedy, which I used to run, and it sort of turned into another gig now, whatever. But this is what I really liked about it. It was this great night, and we had all these great acts on, and you were going to come on and do the end. And then I think you were going to do like half an hour and then I think you you got up there and went here's the secret plan I'm going to do about 90 minutes

but I'm on stage and no one can get me off now and then at the end everyone was fine with it but you were very I think you were very conscious of what I was thinking and you're up there going oh I might keep going is it all right and did that classic thing of saying to the crowd, oh, is it all right if I just keep going? And they all went, yeah, without my response because I can't stand up and go, no, fuck off. And then by the end of it, what I found good was at the end of it, you go, all right, so I'm done here.

So thanks, everyone. Walked off the stage and straight out into the street and went home. thanks everyone, walked off the stage and straight out into the street and went home. And then I texted you later and went, hey, Brendan, you didn't pick up your cash. And you went, yeah, I wasn't going to hang around after I'd done an hour over my time. I knew what I'd done. I'd done the wrong thing. So I just went home.

No, because I thought I'd prepped you and said I have to practice for a DVD recording. Yeah, yeah, but you did. You did. But I think you went. But you didn't understand that for a DVD recording. Yeah, yeah, but you did. You did, but I think you went... But you didn't understand that that meant 90 minutes. No, no, no, no. I'm sure this was a mistake because that was your response afterwards. I think you did at least 30, 40 minutes longer than you said you were going to. I said, can I have an hour? Yeah, well, maybe you did 90 minutes.

And then maybe it had run to 90 or whatever because I was trying to remember everything in there. I know you sound like a better bloke in this story, but it was funnier, my version. This does explain why when I called Carl and said, hey, Brendan Byrne's going to be in town, he wants to do the podcast, Carl absolutely jumped at the opportunity. Now I understand why.

So you could get this. Oh, it's because you owe me money. No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. I shouldn't have told this story at all. Let's all go out for a steak after this. But I also didn't realise that Melbourne Festival was on because I was only here to pick Luke up on the way to WrestleMania.

Yeah, I don't think we started... Although that's not on the way to America, I know. Yeah. But I was going to be here anyway and I'd completely forgotten it was April. So I also had no idea that there was US acts dropping in. That's right. Trying to get their stuff ready for the Australian market. So you'd already had a long night.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. It was like Hannibal. Hannibal Buress, yeah. Yeah. All those sort of people. Moshe was on as well, wasn't he? Yes, Moshe Keshe. Well, as well, the other time that you came down

and you did a spot at Spleen one time and... You did three hours, you fucking asshole. You fucking snowman. God, am I going to make my plane today? Someone's going to shut me up. No. And it was before we went, because we hung out with you in LA a year ago when we went there, and we saw you just before we went to LA,

and you came and did a spot at Spleen, and then you said, oh, what are you guys doing? We said, we're going to LA. You said, oh, I am too. We should meet up in a week because I'm going to be there in a week. Come and do my gig. It'll be great, whatever. I'm like, okay, cool.

And you said, I said, are you leaving tonight? You go, yeah, I'm not leaving to LA tonight. I'm going to London first and then straight away to LA because I left my phone there. And I thought, that sounds like the work of a stand-up comedian in terms of thinking, thinking-wise but not economically-wise. You're just going to fly to one continent to pick up your phone and then jump back to Heathrow and go back to LA. This is why I have to rely on other people for any level of self-awareness

because clearly I'm out of my fucking mind. Because I have no recollection of it whatsoever. Oh, really? But I hear it back and I'm there going, well, this sounds like a ludicrous individual. These are the actions of a madman. These are the actions of – any time it's like – I mean, thank God I don't drink anymore. But like I've done a couple of podcasts now with guys who have reminded me of stories of stuff that I've done on stage. And the thing is like when you go to rehab, right, look, being crazy is awesome.

When you're a guy, because apparently being crazy as a woman, you have a very low self-opinion and you tear yourself apart. When you're crazy and you're a guy, you think you have too high an opinion of yourself. And so I was a nightmare before when I was... But when I went into rehab and, like, for the past eight years, for the first year, it was really horrible that I couldn't trust my memories of anything. Right. Because half of them were delusions.

Yeah. And half of them never happened. So could your phone have been in your pocket that night, not in London? What I'm saying is I don't remember that at all, but I have to accept that completely as the truth. But you see that I'm smiling. At least now I can laugh about it. Whereas a good, like, you know, say, I don't know, even maybe five, six years ago, I would have been tormenting myself for days on this of like,

I can't remember that. I'm out of my mind. Is anything real? Son, come and slap me. You're real, right? You exist when I'm not around. You do stuff. And we should point out this isn't an act out. Your actual son is actually sitting at

the back of the room. Yeah, it's not an imaginary kid. And I believe he has your phone, so you probably don't need to take a flight tonight. You can stay here. Yeah, exactly. As a 42-year-old man, if you're going to have an imaginary friend, it shouldn't be a 13-year-old boy. This would have been a great, a truly amazing podcasting moment if just then Brendan had been talking to his son and me and you just went, Brendan, there's no one there.

What are you talking about? He's been with me and I realise I met you at Grill and there's like two burgers sitting there. I'm like, man, Brendan's hungry. Is he just feeding an imaginary Tyler Durden-esque son? I've gotten that good at it. These days my delusions are really convincing. Your son is not Bruce Willis

by the way so well what about this I'll bring this up this is something that happened and there's a bit of a comedy rule in here oh I remember now

oh what I did leave my phone but it had all my numbers in it I did leave my phone and the reason I had to go I already had to go back and pick something up anyway

but my yes I had all my US contacts in it. Right. And some of which are actually hard to get back because they're people that if you were to try and get their number again, you wouldn't be able to get it. Drop some names. No.

No, I'm not going to be a dick. You obviously haven't heard this show before. That's what this is about. Because I don't have that phone anymore. And you've just reminded me, ah, shit, I can't get a hold of him anymore. I'm fucked. Any people in there who are, nice guy. Nice guys.

Nice guys. There's some nice guys in there. There's some nice guys in there. What do you think of their acts? Lovely fella. Called his mum. It'd be great if your phone is just nice guy one, nice guy two, nice guy three. He's his veggies.

Well, going back to, I did a gig at Spleen this week. Now, what happened was I did a gig there the week before, and you'll know this, and I'm sure you'll be on top of this, unspoken rule about stand-up comedy, I think, is that you don't perform in shorts. Is that a thing with you? You're obsessed with this. This looks very new to you.

Isn't this a rule? Oh, really? I think if people know who you are they kind of enjoy if you're turning up brand new you do look like someone getting out of the crowd now yeah wait a second is this in australia or london australia yes i think you can get up in thongs really i like nothing better than you know what i that's something i really like about australia is that i've seen blokes get up and stand up in thongs. I've seen guys do stand up on television in thongs.

I thought that story ended there. I've seen people do stand up on television. That's not a big story. I am the world's most remarkable man. I have a phone with some numbers in it that I can't disclose and I have seen stand up on television. I'm going to Fiji

via London because I need to watch some TV first. I like to keep my face at the front of my head. I'm glad we booked this guy for the podcast. He's got quite a few tails. Hashtag great story. Go on, Brendan. Tell us about the time you had a smoothie. Bring out your hits.

I had a big day out. I had a smoothie. I had some red cordial. I got some show hits. I had a big day out. I had a smoothie. I had some red cordial. I got some show bags. I even try and say that overseas and it means nothing. Yeah. You had a big day. You go and get some show bags. And the thing is, I will say that sometimes as an excitable heckler.

You had a big day. You get some show bags. No one knows what show bags are. Oh, really? But it still kills because they just figure it's some funny Australian word. It's something stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

That is funny. So you got up something stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. That is funny. So you got up in shorts. No, I didn't. See, this is what happens because even though both of you have sort of shot me down a little bit, that is a rule. I haven't made this up, but a lot of people do go by that rule. You don't do a stand-up in shorts. And I think I reckon it's because if you get up on stage in shorts, it's sort of like you

don't see it normally and you sort of expect it to go, well, why is he in shorts? He better talk about those shorts. It's like, you know, someone getting up with a top hat and not talking about the top hat, you know? It's a thing that stands out, I think. I remember one guy actually, I remember I did one, we were at the Jonglers, which is like this nightmare franchise comedy club that shut down.

It's very funny. We couldn't believe it. We held our art form in contempt and we went out of business. I was baffled. Oh, I stuck my head in water. I got all wet. I stuck earthworms down the eye of my cock. Got a bit of a bladder infection.

Famously brutal gigs in the UK. Yeah, so Nottingham is the worst. Yeah, yeah. And I think I was on with a couple of guys, and I was on a bit of a health kick. And it was back when you could still smoke inside, and a lot of guys smoked on stage. So I just got up that night and decided that I was just going to do nothing

but eat fruit in between jokes and not reference it. You know how sometimes guys will smoke? Back in the day when everyone smoked on stage. Like when someone would drop a big joke, put the punchline down, and then as everyone laughs, they take a swig of beer, except you're stuffing a banana down your gullet as they're laughing. So it was that Pavlovian trick of that's where the joke is over. Yeah, yeah, right.

Oh, this must be funny. He's got a nectarine in his mouth. Oh, this is a good one. Here comes the kumquat with a bit of laugh. I'm just slowly peeling through every gag. Wow. The whole room's... But never referenced it.

And you know what? It smashed. It really did. I thought, I'm going to bomb tonight because I hate this audience. And it really killed me because I didn't talk about it. And because it's like that, John, there's not like a hardcore comedy crowd. It's just like a very general public. There would be people to this day in probably Nottingham going,

oh, you know what it's like comedy in Australia. They just eat fruit a lot on stage. Or it could have been, or they're trying to describe me to people that have seen me. There was a guy, you know, the eating fruit guy. I've never done it again. I just like your justification at the start of that story. Well, I was on a health kick at the time,

so of course I'm eating fruit while I'm on stage. Like if you hadn't said that, we'd be going, why were you doing that, man? What possible reason could you have had for eating fruit on stage? I've got the lamest brags in the world. So I've seen stand-up on telly. I eat fruit occasionally when on a health kick. Hang on.

Hey, wait a minute. Now that bloke's doing sit-ups on stage. Hang on. Andrew Maxwell actually a minute. Now that bloke's doing sit-ups on stage. Hang on. Andrew Maxwell actually made me do that one time was he had me working out. So he would basically... I think you can see it on YouTube. It's Maxwell's Full Mooners

and it's me doing one-liners, my darkest one-liners while pumping iron. Really? Yeah. Wow. And I thought it was the worst idea in the world but it absolutely... my darkest one-liners, while pumping iron. Really? Yeah. Wow. And I thought it was the worst idea in the world, but it absolutely… I thought you were going to say as you're doing sit-ups,

because as you rose up to your knees, you do a one-liner, and then you go back down as they laugh, and then come back up again. I was doing curls with a crossbar, and it was actually pretty decent weights. I was thinking, this is a terrible idea. That would look very threatening. It did a bit. Check it out. I was actually not in bad terrible idea. That would look very threatening. It did a bit. Check it out. I was actually not in bad shape back then.

Right. But so you were saying if you're doing, you know, if you're doing shorts, you've got to reference it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you're doing anything out of the ordinary and you don't. Yeah, yeah, right. You just act like, who was it that got up one time in a bear suit and said nothing about it?

Right. And just did his act in a bear suit. To be fair, that would be weird if you were just doing jokes and then you go, by the way, I'm pumping iron. Anyway, back to the fucking snowman. I just like, in your story, what a shame for that guy who's gone to the effort of wearing a bear suit on stage and now people can't even remember his name.

What was it all for? Although I also feel bad now as well that I'm on a comedy podcast talking about comedy and I've told two anecdotes where apparently I smashed it. What am I, fucking you? Only guys in their first five years have told those stories. I've been going 22 years. It should be nothing but stories about

when people hated me and I got booed off. I was watching the wrestling this year with a bunch of guys who've only been going five years in Edinburgh. A classic Brendan Byrne story. Oh, yeah. The thing is, sitting around them, I just went,

oh, God, I remember this conversation. Yeah, right. And there was only one of them that was a bit more self-aware than the rest, and that was Jim Campbell. And I just said, because guys that are in their first five years, their Edinburgh is just, you know, it's I'm great, I'm this, I'm that. Whereas you talk to guys that have been going 20 years or whatever, it's oh, I tanked it, oh, I've done this wrong.

You bond over your mistakes. Yes. It's funnier. Bad things are funnier. It's way funnier. But then Jim said, yeah, I'm living with nothing but guys who have been going five years. You know what?

There's no crockery left in the house because apparently everyone fucking smashed it. So, shorts. Shorts. Back to shorts. Back to short talk. I think we flew to London to pick up a phone and come back and now we've got the back to the story. I think it's summer.

Yeah. I think it says something about a man. I mean, the unwritten rule is you're supposed to look better than them. Yeah. Which, you know, we're're supposed to look better than them. Yeah. Which, you know, we're not exactly a handsome group of people. Yeah. So the unwritten rule is you're supposed to dress up, depending on the gig,

you're supposed to dress up one level up from the gig. Right. That makes a lot of sense. I've never heard it said that way, but that makes sense. Yeah. But I don't buy into that. Well, it depends. I mean, if you wear shorts and everyone else has got nothing on,

maybe that still applies. How long have you been doing this? Seven. Seven years. Every paranoia you have will disappear. Right. Every rule, every ritual. Well, anyway, my point is –

Because you'll do it enough and enough. This is such a big lead-up. I want to see where this is going. This is like literally the first line of this story. I just mean every superstition you have will dissipate. Right. Because you'll find yourself in a position where you have to go on. Yeah.

And you're not able to do whatever. Well, the point is... In two years' time, you'll be going, oh, yeah, I just... I know it's a rule that you're not meant to, but I was doing a gig wearing a Cobra hat, and I just felt like, you know, you should mention it, but I shouldn't mention it. I'm not mentioning the fruit I've got in my Cobra hat now or anything. So, anyway mention it but I shouldn't mention it. I'm not mentioning the fruit

I've got in my Cobra hat now or anything. So anyway, I went to this gig. It was really hot so what I like to do on a day like that is I'll wear shorts

to the gig but I'll bring long pants in my bag so that when I can get on stage I don't feel self-conscious. I don't feel weird about it. No one gives me shit about wearing shorts.

Any of that sort of stuff. There's real... Can I guess? Can I have a guess? I know you haven't got to the end of this story yet. Not even close. Can I have a guess? Sure.

Is you went to put the pants on and it was a hot day and you were putting them on unwashed legs and it felt really gross. No. And you felt very uncomfortable. Does the story end with you getting diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder? Because there's a whiff of that in this story. No, no. Man, I'm just at the base camp of Everest at the moment.

I just want to go up the hill and all these dogs are just shitting all over the place. You, my friend, have hired the worst Sherpa of all time. But this is the beauty of podcasting. You can kill an hour. You go, I haven't even fucking had a base camp. This is going to be a three-part of this episode, I think. So carry on, please. We should quickly mention that Brendan is actually getting a flight to Perth.

As soon as he finishes his gear cab, and I'm just loving the image of you missing your flight and having to go to Qantas and go, oh, I'm really sorry I missed the flight, and them going, what happened? And you go, oh, I was just talking to a guy about him wearing shorts for three hours. Oh, we've got a few of them here today.

I get there and they say, what happened? And I go, I don't know. That's the agony of this. They can drag me away from the shorts story, you motherfuckers. I think he had sweaty legs. I heard that from someone in the story. I don't know. God damn it, I've got to go to London and get my phone.

They go, sorry, there's no refunds. I've given you an MP3 of this recording. They listen to it and go, oh, we're terribly sorry. Here's your money refunded in full. Here is gold membership in our club. Look, you'll probably hear it on the comedy channel on the Qantas flight anyway. And it takes the full four hours to Perth as well. So anyway, I get there.

I've got my shorts on. I bring my long pants there. So I go to do my gig and, of course, I change into the I've got my shorts on. I bring my long pants there. So I go to do my gig, and of course I change into the long pants. That's cool. But what I put my shorts down is at the back of a pub, back of Spleen, and I just completely forget that I've done that. I go home without the shorts. We get to a couple of hot days, and I go, oh, where's those one pair of shorts I own?

Oh, they're left at the gig. Oh, shit. So I can't wear any shorts for the next week. So the next week, I go to Spleen. I go back. I look for the next week so the next week i go to spleen i go back i look for the shorts they're not there the bar girl walks by i go uh have you seen a pair of shorts at the back here she goes no then i walk past the other bar guy and jokingly the girl goes look at this bloke he stole your shorts and then he goes uh sorry and i went what and he goes, sorry. And I went, what? And he goes, I did steal them. You stole my shorts.

And he goes, yeah. And I went, so there was a pair of shorts on the ground out there. And you just went, I'll have them. And he goes, well, what else would you do if you find out they're your size? And I went, what do you mean? Like, he just walked along and I went, you don't even know they're yours. Like, you went along, picked up shorts and just took your pants off and tried them on right there and then. And he goes, and he went, yes.

And he goes, are they denim shorts with, like, stripes in the middle of them, like on the inside, on the lining? And I went, yeah, that's exactly them. And he goes, right. And they have eight condoms sewn into the fabric in different places that's them buddy so i go this is a really weird situation he goes all right and he's like feeling really sprung as well and he goes oh look i'll i'll bring them in next week and i went okay cool and then i walked away and as i walked away he goes oh i may have drawn on them.

Hang on, you may have drawn on them or you did draw on them. And if you did draw on them, why did you draw on them? And I said that to him and he goes, oh, it's nothing weird. He goes, it's nothing weird. It's just some Celtic designs. But I'll bring them in next week. So I'm looking forward to my pants, my denim shorts being brought back in with Celtic designs all over them. Wow.

So he was just sitting on the tram on the way home going, got free shorts. Well, the exciting bit of the night's over. What else do I do? Oh, I've got a biro. Oh, man. I forgot my iPod. I better jazz him up a bit. Yeah.

So hang on. What did he draw on them with? I don't know. A biro, I guess. Now it means as well that he can't wash up a bit. Yeah. So hang on. What did he draw on them with? I don't know. A barrow, I guess. Now it means as well that he can't wash them with anything. Yeah. He can never wash them. Well, I felt like, you know, going...

So hang on. So he's got stolen weird floor shorts, let's call them. Yeah, yeah. Pub floor shorts. Yeah, yeah. Full of grime and people's fucking snot. Yep. And worst of all, Chandler.

Yeah, yeah. Chandler on a And worst of all, Chandler. Yeah, yeah. Chandler. Chandler on a hot day. Stale Chandler. I'm going to see to it that I can never wash these. Yeah. Because these are, what, does he think they're lucky? Well, I don't know because like he also.

Well, for his shorts, he's lucky. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, of course. Maybe he watched your gig that night and went, he's amazing. Yeah, maybe that's it. I want to be just like him. It's like Samson's hair. Chandler and went, he's amazing. Yeah, maybe that's it. I want to be just like him. It's like Samson's hair. Chandler's shorts. That's it.

I don't think it was about talent. He was going, he's amazing. He's the same size. And he hasn't got a great memory. Awesome. He forgot his shorts. Great. This guy's like some sort of weird Ocker Lithe

Terminator Yeah I'll have your clothes Your gun And your bike But he's walking around Sizing people up Yeah

Up and down the street What if he becomes I wonder if that's like You know when you Like people steal a car And then strip it down And like change the shape of the car So they can get away with it

Is that his thought? He's just whacked some Biro Celtic designs on my shorts so he could rock in the next week at Spleen and go, what shorts? Yeah, yeah. This is actually very interesting because I was trying to find, before we went to America, a couple of months before that,

I had bought a jacket and I wanted to take it to America with us and I couldn't find it anywhere and I was thinking, oh, I must have left it somewhere. then I was thinking well chances are I left it at a gig and I started thinking there's a huge chance that I left it at Spleen but by the time I realised this, this was like maybe a month after the fact. So maybe he's just assembling some kind of like comedy fashion Frankenstein. We'll see him rocking up in a pair of like Bart Freeband sneakers, Chandler shorts, a Dassolo jacket, a Nick Coney t-shirt.

And your jacket's got all these Aboriginal like circle designs all over it. Yeah, dot paintings all over it. Now, are you, so are you, are you cutting him for taking the shorts? No. Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've been away for, this is showing how long I've been away. What the fuck did that just mean? What?

Are you cut as him? Oh, cut, angry. Upset. Upset. When did that come into the picture? You know, you know cut. What the fuck did that just mean? What? Are you cut as him? Oh, cut, angry. Upset. Upset. When did that come into the box? You know, cut. No, I don't. Don't you?

No. What do you call it on your planet? I was fucking cut. Cut? So is that born of British hooliganism of I'll fucking cut you up a treat? I wonder what, I don't know. I'll do you right up like a Mars bar. You like that, you cunt?

When I was in high school, it was a big thing that you'd use to like rile people up. But you know, that thing where someone. Oh, hang on, before I do, oh, cut up. No, oh, cut up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was a big thing when someone would start to get a bit angry

and then, you know, everyone just latches onto that. It was like, hey, you cut. Oh, you be cut. And then you'd get your fingers like that and you'd start like snipping at their face and go, oh, you've had a haircut. You've had a haircut. You've got a cut lunch today.

And then the person starts going, I'm not cut. I'm not fucking cut. And the person's going, no, he's bloody cut. He's cut, isn't he? Yeah. You know what? That's a generational thing. Right.

That didn't happen in my day. Right. In my day, we took ladies dancing and marinated ribs. Yeah, well. But you had a marinade in my day. Right. In my day, we took ladies dancing and marinated ribs. Yeah, well... But you had a marinate in my day. You don't even know you're bloody born. You have to take drugs and go to concerts. Well, I don't know how to feel about it because it's like...

Because that's the thing. I've sort of made a big deal and now he's like, oh, well, I'll bring them back. But I'm like, obviously, I'm not going to wear them. Yeah. But I think it's just in principle. I have to have these... In fairness, you did take, I'm not going to wear them. Yeah. But I think it's just in principle. I have to have these.

In fairness, you did take a week to go back and claim them. For sure. That must be a thing of like the three-second rule with food. Is there like a certain day rule with clothes where if it's like left at your house a certain amount of time, it just becomes yours? Well, I don't know. Do you live in a house or a flat? Flat. Okay.

Well, I think these shorts could be your version of a water feature. You know, a bit of a conversation piece. We're thinking of knocking through and having the lucky shorts. What's the deal with the shorts? Why are they stuck on the wall? That's a funny story. A man stole them off me off a pub floor and drew on them. And ever since, you know what?

I put them up on the wall and it's been lucky. Yeah. Yeah. The cat feels relaxed. Man, that's – I might have to – yeah. I'm going to have to get them back. I'll bring them in. You've got to get them back.

And you know what? You should wear them at the next live podcast. Them plus the yellow podcasting hoodie. You have your podcasting Celtic shorts. I think you should bring this man in as well because I think he's a wealth of – this is what I was talking about. He could fix up some of the rest of my wardrobe. Isn't that a lot, dude?

The non-self-conscious Australian. Yeah. That guy thought that was perfectly normal. Yeah. You know, and there was nothing about him like – there was no shame or embarrassment. I got a bit that I did the other night about, you know, how would people say like, oh, how Aussie is that? Yeah.

And no one really can explain what it really means. Yeah. And I've figured it out. And you apply this, apply this every time. And the reason why people can't explain it is it's so complex, it's borderline incongruous.

It's blunt ambivalence coupled with a complete lack of self-awareness. Right. Every time you hear that, of just, you know, I couldn't give a fuck. What about, uh-huh? That's what,

so that's what that guy is. And that's what I think happens when people phone into radio stations is they, there's strains, it's such a weird bunch because as individuals, and there are so many people

that anywhere else in the world, anywhere else in the world, that motherfucker would be homeless and yelling in the streets because he's lived you know there's such a laissez-faire attitude that this guy is still able to exist in this society all right whereas he's completely unemployable yeah you know what i mean he's a mess and the but but you know crazy people don't know they're crazy. That's a mental guy. That's a crazy thing to do.

And he clearly told this to you like it was the most ordinary, matter-of-fact thing in the world. And he's like, well, yeah. I then took him home and drew on him. That motherfucker in a dog-eat-dog society, like could you imagine him in New York? He's one of the underground people. Yeah, yeah. He's one of the people living in the things going,

well, I've got a trolley, and I thought that'll be me house. To be fair, to be completely fair, I thought it was weird, and then when I left the gig, after the gig, I was walking to my car, and I saw a guy on the street singing down the drain. Like, singing to someone down the drain. Not singing in general. It was like serenading someone down the drain not singing in general he was it was like a

serenading someone down the drain so all of a sudden the shorts guy i was like oh he's all right yeah because shorts guy is harmless crazy yeah you know he's all his friend you know his circle of friends are people that tolerate him because he's the one that gives them the good stories and the good clothing we had a guy like, and he killed himself not that long ago. But actually, we had to disown him. But he was the guy that was the mate. When you say we. My old schoolmates.

I'm still – actually, it was my neighbourhood mates that I had in Perth. All the guys that I – see, I went to JDC, and then I got expelled and went to Scotch College, and I don't have a single friend left from that horrible institution. Scotch College in? Melbourne. In Perth. In Perth, right. single friend left from that horrible institution scotch college in melbourne in perth in perth right but it's it's it's it's it's the sons of lawyers and barristers and i'm pretty sure to this day if i went to court and i had an old school tie there's no way i'm going to jail right um and it's and i went from like this subsidized school which was all kind of you know all my mates were scaly mates and and then i had neighborhood friends and they're all guys just soul of the earth that would do anything for us and vice versa

i still have them to this day but i don't really know anyone left over from the other place it was i went from a school where you would share cigarettes with the gardeners to a place where they called the gardeners peasants right and that was staggering to me yeah and i mean the the casual racism and then in that place was mind-numbing i remember like my first day and there was a new kid from india and some guy yelled at hey why don't you go back to the jungle and i was like that's not even the right race you know it's you're so committed you haven't even decided to do a bit of research um and uh so we had a guy that was like a neighborhood mate his name was mal and uh he was a great source of material but he was really hard he was like he would even at the age

of 16 i remember him getting into a fight with a bunch of fully grown bikers and he won. Right. Because we were in Claremont, which was like a posh area at the time and they called him a yuppie and he goes, I'm not a yuppie,

you cunt. But Malcolm was like the guy, he was that crazy guy. If you say that sentence, by the way, story checks out. Yeah, exactly.

But he was wearing a pink shirt at the time so he could get into fights. Yeah, you're right. It was a very easy thing to do in Perth. Really? Was that an on-purpose thing? It was an on-purpose thing. Oh, no, yeah, but you can't let us fucking dance. And wore a pink shirt just to pick fights.

Yeah. Just so someone would pick him. He was crazy. Wow. But also we couldn't really reject him as a friend because he'd beat you up. Yeah, right. But he also was a great source of material of just like he was constantly doing things of like how does this guy how does his mind work like he fancied a girl uh and so he went to he the bus stop and this was his actual bona fide move and and uh her name was

sarah leach and he wrote on her bus stop sarah leach wants my cock. But he didn't leave his name and number, but that was just like him planting the seed apparently. So Sarah is somehow going to one day see this and go, well, who is this mystical man? I'm going to stay at a bus stop. I might get to see a stranger's cock. Look at him treating that bus stop like a common pair of shorts. Yeah.

I like it. It's such a dumb idea to put that, but on top of that, by Sarah reading that, she automatically knows that he doesn't even have a car. So that's not helping him at all. Well, this was pre-driving age. Oh, right. So what are you going to do? Yeah, fair enough.

What are you going to do? Say, you want to get in my vehicle? Or are you going to write fucking her name on a bus stop? What are you, retarded? Say, you want to get in my vehicle? Or are you going to write fucking her name on a bus stop? What are you, retarded? That's that guy. He looks at you like, what are you, fucking nuts? I drew on your shorts. That's what a person does when he steals them off a floor.

You know what? If you're going to leave your shorts around, you should fully expect to have some Celtic painting on them. What if you get the shorts back and you get really fascinated by the Celtic symbols, you take them to a translator and in Celtic he's written, Carl Chandler wants my cock. That would be a great twist in the story. That was his move. Yeah, that would be remarkable.

Maybe he's cursed it with those Celtic designs. It's like a curse on there. As soon as I put them on, that's it for me. What's going to happen? What do you think he's cursed you with? What? Well, probably not losing clothes because I'm capable of, that's it for me. What's going to happen? What do you think he's cursed you with? What? Well, probably not losing clothes because I'm capable of doing that already. Maybe just bad at comedy or worse at comedy.

Ha ha, what an idiot. You got up in shorts. Yeah. Well, they're a bit of a conversation piece. Yeah. The lucky shorts. What was another one of Malcolm's classics? Every Friday night, tonight on a fight or a route.

And we just look at him just going, well, we know which one's happening. Yeah. With that attitude. Let's have some girls that really like pink shirts. Yeah. Really like pink shirts and men that fight bikers. Yeah. I remember it was out the front of Hungry Jack's in Claremont

and the bikers had obviously come to Claremont to go and beat up some yuppies. And so then they found, so he was there as covert yuppie. And it was one of those weird things, you know, the guys that like a punch-up. And this is, I suppose, before the UFC existed. So these days there's somewhere for those guys to go. But it's guys that like a punch-up and there's no real malice between them. There's an understanding that it's Friday night and they like fighting.

Yeah. Right. So the biker goes in and he's a fully grown man and malcolm was 16 at the time malcolm had him locked up in a in a guillotine right and so the biker then says hey mate why don't you let go of me so we can have a real fight and malcolm being malcolm's like i don't want to be a fucking poof you know he's like yeah you got me in a headlock you fucking poof you know and so like he up. And so he lets him go. And then, you know, so the biker then starts throwing at him

and doing quite well, and then gets broken up by cops. But the fact that there was no, like, this guy wasn't going, you fucking prick, or anything. He's going, hey, mate, why don't you let me go? Why don't you let me go so we can have a real fight? And he's like, oh, yeah, I like real fights. I like real fights. I'm not getting a root tonight, so I better have a real fight.

I'm not getting a root with this bloke in a headlock here anyway. Yeah, I mean, if you ever had a guy – I hadn't been – because I think, like, overseas, you have to look for that, like, particularly now at an age where I'm the man, that no one would ever pick me. After living in London for a while, I hadn't been picked for the way I looked or dressed for the longest of times. I'd been away from Australia for 10 years.

I think I was out in Dandenong in a shopping centre and I had dyed red hair, bright red hair. It had been so long since I'd been picked in the street because here you can get picked by someone and you know someone's that guy and that guy's looking out for the other that guy. But sometimes that guy's just looking for fucking anyone, right? So it's the middle of the day as well.

So it's not like I'm outside a pub. It's not the swilling hour. It's the middle of the day and I've got bright red hair and I'm walking in a car park and these two aquabogs. Do you have aquabogs here? No. Do they get caught up? Are bogans that surf?

We used to call them aquabogs. They're surfers. They're surfers. We had aquabogs. Isn't that what surfers are? Bogans in the water? Aquabogs. They were guys that would come down from the hills. Right. And they'd get the training or whatever. Anyway, a couple of aquabogs go by in their blue singlets and everything. And fucking one of them does a handbrake next to me.

Right? And I mean what? I'm in my late 20s at this stage. Yeah. And he does a handbrakey and him and his mate lean out the window go mate look at your fucking hair and i hadn't been picked for the way i looked for so long that i actually felt weird national pride and i just gut laughed just the fact that he got under it look at your fucking hair! And I was rolling around laughing.

And then you saw them just utterly baffled because this was supposed to be the moment where I said something back and they got out and punched me in the head. But I went, good on you, fellas. That's fucking gold. I haven't heard that in years. And you could see the synapses slowly fusing. They were just like, what?

That's not how this is supposed to go. Fuck you! And it wasn't until afterwards I realised, like, oh, I could have got my head kicked in in the middle of the day then. Yeah, yeah. Because I looked all fruity. Well, I come from a small town, so I used to get that a lot, because I had long hair when I was a teenager,

and someone just walked in the room, I just realised that after you said, look at your fucking hair a lot, we're still above a restaurant. Oh, yes, I know. I thought there was people having their desserts spoiled coming into a complaint. Oh, is anyone in there?

There's people out there. Oh, they're downstairs? Downstairs, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm sure it'll be fine. I was going to say, I come from a small town, so I got that a lot when I was a kid. I had long hair and stuff like that.

I talk quite a lot because I'm from a small town called Mirabar. lot when i was a kid i had long hair and stuff like that i had um i i took quite a lot because i'm from uh a small town called mirabar and i had a lot of crazy people whatever i just it's just reminding me of a story i don't think i've told this story um i don't make like one of those mates like your mate just a crazy guy that just doesn't think and he he told me the story of going driving to byron bay with a friend, and his friend had been disabled in an accident. So he didn't have any use of his legs. So he had a colostomy bag. Now, on the way up, this guy that's got the colostomy bag, he was smoking marijuana.

And my friend, I don't think, smoked anything. You just sounded like 100 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking marijuana. I don't think, smoked anything. You just sounded like 100 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking marijuana. I don't understand the children call it the wacky racky. Smoking pots. They were injecting pots? Yes.

Having a pot? Yeah. They were getting a durry and emptying it with some mullies? He was junkies-ing, I think. Is that the term? So his friend with the colostomy was smoking and he was saying that he got really high Is that the term? So his friend with the colostomy was smoking, and he was saying that he got really high because the guy pissed into the colostomy bag,

and the fumes from that got him extremely high. That was his experience with marijuana. He said, I've done it now. I know what it's like to be on drugs because I've smelt the fumes of a cripple's piss. Did he tell you this like it was the most normal? Yes. He's saying that something happened.

That's something that happened yesterday. That's the story of what happened yesterday. That's what he said. He's having the impression that he got high. Yes. But he didn't. Did he? What happened? I would assume that that is not how you do it. He probably got a got high. Yes. But he didn't. Did he? What happened?

I would assume that that is not how you do it. He probably got a bit sick from sniffing wee. Yes. What? Yes. Wait, I can't even follow that story. You've broken him. I can't.

You've broken him. Yeah, I can't even follow that logic, even the non-logic in that. Yeah, right. He's under the impression. He's under the impression that he was stoned. Because he smelled someone's weed. Because he smelled someone's weed that had been smoking at some stage. He smelt the urine of a disabled person who had smoked marijuana at some stage.

And now he was high because of it. Now, is he that guy that you keep around? Yes. Like, what happens if it's that you keep around? Yes. What happens if it's just you and him? Do you wait for another mate to turn up? Yes. Bust out the bags and let's get going.

Do you think he's going to top himself? He's one of those guys that just pops up. He's one of the guys that, like a Kramer figure, that pops up every couple of years and you go, yeah, that'll do. Oh, hang on. Hi, Hannah. I'm just in the middle of a podcast.

Can I call you back in five? Thanks. Special guest Hannah on the show, everyone. Hannah, first time on the show, I believe, Hannah. First time caller. Hannah's doing the PR of the tour. Right. She's a lovely lady. Yeah.

Well, she's just wrecked this bit of PR, but anyway. You'll never be asked back on Uncle Piss Flaps, that's for sure. You'll never have me on the mix. On the Fox. On the Fox. The Mix Fox. Just quickly. You need an X, obviously. We need to whack an X at the end of this.

Little dum-dum clubs. Little dum-dum clubs. We very quickly, before you wrap up, we need to issue a correction slash apology for last week. You told a story about someone had, you said that you were doing a gig and that this guy who listens to the show heckled you and that you called him a prick on stage.

We've since received correspondence from the man in question and saying that you in fact called him a cunt on stage. So we need to issue an apology for the infactual account that we gave last week. Apologies to everyone for not saying the word cunt last week. Sorry, everyone. That's all the listeners wanted from you. Sorry for offending everyone by not saying that word. Clearly he's a cunt.

Sorry about that, cunt. Look at your fucking hair. Look at your fucking colostomy bag, you malcolm just before he killed himself he rang my mate rob pacta and uh i think he'd been on the news or something there was basically he rang up at like 3 a.m and rob's like you know my age with kids now and he goes he goes rob you gotta let me in they're out to get me and rob hadn't heard from him in like 10 years. And he's like, I've got to come over. They're out to get me. And he goes, you come anywhere near my fucking house.

And I'm going to, you know. And then the next thing they knew, he topped himself. Oh. Anyway, that's a good end to the podcast. I'm just saying, just to smell piss, you might want to keep an eye on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you might not care. Brendan, we'd better let you get out of here.

You have a plane to catch. The tour that is coming up with Mick Foley is going right around the country. What's the name of the show? It's called Mick Foley and Brendan Burns, Good God Almighty. Right. A nod to JR, the commentator. And for Perth dates, you go to the Astor Theatre in Perth and Live Nation for the rest of the dates around the country.

Going right around the country. All this February. Which cities? You're in Melbourne, you're in Sydney? I'm doing Perth now. And then Mick arrives when I get there. And then we're doing Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne. Great.

I think we're at the Athenaeum here in Melbourne. Right. Get on it. Guys, we have got our Brisbane Comedy Festival shows coming up, our Melbourne Comedy Festival shows coming up. I am in Adelaide. Send us an email. If you'd like to have a chat, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com.

We've still got the T-shirts that you can get. We're on Twitter at dumbdumbclub. We're on Facebook. Thank you very much. Hang on. Come up what it's called. Whoa. Little Dumb Dumb Club X.

Little Dumb Dumb Clubs. Come down to Spleen if you want any articles of clothing. Yeah, we're selling Dum Dum Club t-shirts and Carl is just giving his own t-shirt away. And regular t-shirts.

We're 90 minutes out of that short story. Yeah, you're wearing a great Friday Night Lights t-shirt that people, if the weather's particularly hot or if it gets cold

and you change your long sleeves. If I just turn my back and not looking, just grab it off me, straight off. Steal the shirt literally right off his back. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.