The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 124 - Tommy Little & Karl Woodberry

Episode Date: February 5, 2013

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Hey, mates. Just dropping in at the start of the episode to let you know that we have shows coming up all over the country. Where are we first? We're in Brisbane. We're in Brisbane on what, like February, late February? Late February, last week of February, first weekend of March, I believe. We are doing our own shows, our own solo comedy festival shows

at the Brisbane Comedy Festival, Brisbane Powerhouse. What's yours called, Tommy? It's called Spread. It is the untold history of Vegemite. My great-grandfather, Fred Walker, inventor of Vegemite, I'm telling his story. What's yours called, Chan-Man? Mine is called Carl Chandler Has Literally 1.5 Million Jokes

and it is just a joke fest. I'm writing a joke as we speak, trying to fit it in there. And then we're also doing the live Little Dum Dum Club, our first ever Brisbane live show on the Saturday afternoon, also at the Brisbane Powerhouse, so maybe you could come see us first ever Brisbane live show on the Saturday afternoon, also at the Brisbane Powerhouse, so maybe you could come see us all in the one day on the Saturday. Then I am going to be in Adelaide for two weeks doing my show spread at the Rhino Room.

You can get tickets from adelaidefringe.com.au. And then on to Melbourne. We are both doing our own shows again in the Forum Theatre in Melbourne for the whole three weeks of the festival. Tuesday through to Sunday. Yes, and then on Mondays we're once again doing our Live Little Dum Dum Clubs that we did last year at the Comedy Festival.

They were full last year and so, of course, for some reason we're in a smaller venue this year. So get in quick because they're already selling pretty fast. Yeah, they're already selling well and, like we said, the venue's much smaller and we had good numbers, so you really need to confirm your tickets. We're going to have great special guests as soon as we think of some. Yeah.

That'll be great. That's someone on your phone ringing right now. And then we're going to be in Sydney Comedy Festival after that. Oh, Barry Humphries? No, look, we'll talk later about getting on the show. So we're going to be in Sydney after that. Details about that coming out later, but that'll be after the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

So heaps of stuff going on. Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne are all on sale, aren't they, right now? Yeah. We'd love to see you come down to one of the shows, and we'll see you there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, look, I've got to put this up the front of the show. I've had two different requests, notes to say to you, you take too long to get into the show, that intro. What do you mean?

Two different people have said it's going too long. You need to cut it down. How much quicker can I say the name of the show, that intro. What do you mean? Two different people have said it's going too long. You need to cut it down. How much quicker can I say the name of the show? I say my name, I welcome people in, and then I introduce you. Don't shoot the messenger, mate. There's no fat in there. What can I possibly cut out? Listen to the shareholders in this show.

The people have spoken. Well, who are these people? I was one. There's that bit in between when you say hello and introducing me when you start reading out of your diary for a couple of minutes. What? This is bullshit. You need to cut it down. This is classic you getting stuck into how I introduce the show.

You're more than welcome to take over. No. And you've tried it and it's failed dismally. I'm relaying the message. This is not me, you know. This is good. I'm glad to be here for this episode. I welcome you into my house and this is how you treat me. To be honest, Tommy, you know. This is good. I'm glad to be here for this episode. I welcome you into my house

and this is how you treat me. To be honest Tommy, the bit where you sob gently at the start of the episode for three to four minutes is very unnecessary. It's my favourite part so far. You know what's going to happen next week is the intro is just going to go for half an hour. Can I try? Well, it's going to be cut down. Yay!

That's a joke. So we should quickly mention Podcast City has risen from the ashes. We've been sort of borrowing other people's equipment and all that sort of stuff for the last couple of weeks. We now have our own sweet rig. This is as good as it's going to get, guys. If this sounds bad, well, strap yourself in for another couple of years of this. Yeah, we're fucked basically.

Should we get into it? One of our guests has been chiming in. Do you want me to say something at the top? I'll tell you this. What happened last night that I just found interesting. Oh, you know what? Intro to the guest and we'll all get into it. Okay, sure.

Making his first appearance on the show, what would you call him? A drifter? A stalwart? A derro? A derro? One of the greats? Depends what era you're looking at. Derro in the 80. A derro? A derro. One of the great... Depends what era you're looking at.

Derro in the 80s or derro in the 80s? Depends if you're looking into his soul or what he's wearing. Yeah. What is he wearing? One of the great drifters. Derro? It's urban. One of the great drifters of the Melbourne comedy scene,

making his first appearance on the show. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Carl Woodbury. Yeah! He looks like... I just put my bindle down and i'm ready to go he looks like if shack had been in breaking bad i look like drazik from heartbreak high you can imagine that without the eyebrow i'll go with my one when you turned up at my house when there was the knock on the door i kind of was like like i opened the door and then I saw you instantly and was like, ah, fuck, this is someone going door to door asking for money.

This is like someone. You would have been surprised by the knock. You would have been expecting a bit of shimmying of windows. Yeah, I'm surprised it wasn't just a smash. Out of the hip and shoulder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two seconds and go again. The clanging of my ATM card in the lock.

Just a really light one though because he's obviously a meth head and he's just like, oh, nothing left. I wouldn't say obviously. I just want to put my shoulder back in. I've seen Bruce Willis do this before. It should work. It did work, if you're wondering. What a great picture we've painted of our first guest.

What's the second one going to be like? Let's have the first guest not invited on the show just to rock up on the door and go, hey, this is fortuitous. Let's make threatening remarks to them to put me on the show you want to be fucking yeah all right he's asked for 40 cents and we're just making him really work yeah that's it uh also making his i believe third appearance on the show you know him from nova you know him from the slap bang podcast you know him from the podcast welcome back into the little dum-dum club tommy little Yeah! Could you say we know him from the Slut Bang podcast and you know him from the podcast?

Did I say that or did I say the project? I meant to say the project. You said the podcast. I was like, that is a pretty good podcast. Oh, did I really? People have a big habit of introducing me to things like the credits that I've either stopped doing or I've been sacked from.

You didn't mention Studio A. What about the night? I did, though. I did a gig at a comedy club recently, and they sent me a message to send out to my official page. And they said, hey, we want to offer a special deal for the night that you're on. Send this out to all the people that are fans of your official page,

and they can get in free if they use the password Studio A. Now, for those that don't know, Studio A is a community TV show which I was fired from about two years ago now. To be fair, you weren't fired from it. They just changed the name of it and then asked you to reapply, didn't they? Yeah. Just in case there was a lawsuit going against Channel 31. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They offered me the chance to have no creative input to the show, possibly not be successful in my application, but to apply. Yeah. Which is lovely. A better password would have been the midget race that you did. Yeah. Hey, use the password year10drama. You know I failed that.

Mr. Cumberdike. Use the password year 10 drama. You know I failed that. Mr. Cumberdary. Use the password breastfeeding. Midget racing, remember that? The little race. What was it called? The little race. The little cup. The little cup.

Is it something? It's funny. It was midgets riding each other. In dressed as jockeys. And the idea was riding fully grown men dressed as horses. We couldn't get horse suits that were big enough. So they just rode them in a piggyback race. And you did this for the spring racing carnival in Melbourne.

You copped a bit of shit for it too, didn't you? Maybe four years ago or something. I had friends ring me from the UK going, holy shit, you've just been on the news over here. And I'm like, is it good? They're like, it's not good. hey, going, holy shit, you've just been on the news over here. And I'm like, is it good?

They're like, it's not good. Hooray, finally someone has done the great thing we've all been waiting for. I don't suppose they're reporting on that awesome joke they heard at the open mic club on Tuesday night in North Melbourne. No, it's on page three over in England. You're seeing a butt on top of a midget with your boobs out. Yeah, it's got his baps out. I talked about that though in the comedy festival show

that I just did and it was funny because half the audience remembered it half the audience clicked in and went oh

oh shit I remember that I do care and the other half thought I'd made it up for the purpose of the show which was weird it's a weird thing to make up

because I played like news reports and stuff so Oh really I personally think it's a fucking brilliant idea I think we should bring it back every carnival Yeah That is funny though But having said that

If anyone listened to that opinion And then saw what you look like It'd be like that's That's a Monty to not come up Maybe And the defence rest Yeah This prick thought it was a good idea.

Yeah, let's bring it back. We'll get these sort of people in the spring racing carnival. That reminds me, I just got a warrant for my tram fines and I have to go and settle that shit. I really do, that's fucked. I forgot about that. Oh, I've got a sheriff's warrant as well for a police fine I never paid. Did they come to the door?

No, it just got delivered in the mail, which is sort of like you kind of want the actual sheriff to come up. They do come. The sheriff turns up to your door. Because you know what it's from? I think I talked about this on the show. This is months ago when we were in the radio station that we've since been booted out of.

And I saw Justin Bieber walking around the hallway. And I was at the traffic lights driving home tweeting about how I'd seen Justin Bieber. And then the cops pulled me up. And, yeah, I got a ticket for it. Did they check the tweet and that's why they gave you the ticket? You little faggotron. Yeah, you're supposed to be 18 to drive a car, not 12. Give me the phone books.

We don't want to see your driver's licence. I saw the tweet. That's enough ID. Look, it's a $200 fine, but to take this thing out, we're going to fave the tweet. So this all sort of balances out Give me your time zone membership card alright What if the Victorian police Just to make it a little bit nicer

Retweeted your tweet Yeah Yeah that would be good I should hit them up You know they just went back to the car Shaking their heads And talking to each other And going

These young girls and Bieber Yeah yeah that's it What is their obsession These young lesbians and Bieber right He should not be tweeting And driving that Ford Laser Yeah yeah yeah, that's it. What is their obsession? There's young lesbians and Bieber, right? He should not be tweeting and driving that Ford Laser like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fluffy dice in the window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Playboy car seat covers. Number plate, S-S-Y-G-R-L. Sassy girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 10% angel,

90% bitch. From zero to bitch in 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a shame that the listeners can't see the little feisty little finger wag that you did after you said that.

I got cheered, you know. I'm from the streets. Hey, Woodbury, how long did you have to wait before the sheriff knocked at your door? They didn't come to my door, unfortunately, so they went to a previous address that I'd left. Because you don't have a door? I've actually...

They knocked on the door of the 86. My house... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I fell asleep in Bondura and they're like, come on back. Is this for my

warrant? Sure it is, champ. I live in a house and it's been aptly named, just down the road from here

in Fitzroy, it's aptly named by the locals the crack den. What's a warrant? Is that like a pill? Yeah, yeah.

I love that song Cherry Pie. Can I shelve a warrant? Yeah, Can I shelve a warrant? Can I shelve a warrant? No sir, I should have told you Oh no We're going to give you 90 days I'm on a 90 dayer right now

I've been up for 90 days I just can't get over the sheriff serving you a warrant And you're going I love Cherry Pie That's a great song Oh that's so good. Dumbest man alive. I saw something last night. I did Spleen.

I did comedy at Spleen last night. And you guys will know, you know, if you're at the back of Spleen, you're trying to warm up for your gig, you're trying to go over your stuff. This is what I saw. I just like this as a visual. I saw a guy and a girl down this little alley. So this is outside, out the back of the alley? Yeah, way outside in another alley.

They were, this guy and a girl, young guy and a girl, making out, heavy petting, pretty full on. Yeah, all right. Did you slip? Pretty good story, eh? Anyway, what else have you been going on? Pretty well. And now I've got a warrant

yeah I had a massive warrant after that well Chandler's wearing shorts and I'm sitting right near him so I'm worried

if this story goes on too much longer that mixing desk is going to get knocked off the bench so anyway this guy and girl heavy petting right

but the girl was wearing a stack hat. She didn't have a bike near her. So there was a guy making out with a mong in the... Can you say mong on the radio? Well, not on the radio, so I don't know. Mong. Last time I made a joke, I tweeted a joke about this

because there was a chick and she was walking her dog and she had a helmet on. Right. And I made a crack about it. What happened last time? The dog confused with the bike. this because there was a chicken she was walking her dog and she had a helmet on right yeah i made a crack about what happened last time yeah the dog confused with the bike sounds like it was great sounds really good yeah it was one of your commitments and i got like five people right back going it's not funny i'm like are you kidding that makes it more fun brain damage no i thought it was more like i was looking at it going they were just really getting in i'm like are you kidding that makes it more fun brain damage yeah way better no I thought it was more like

I was looking at it going they were just really getting in I'm like what does this guy do when he gets fired up like hey is that what it's for

that's so funny how toxic is his jizz that she needs to wear we stepped up a few levels that was just a really weak excuse to use the words toxic and jizz

in the same sentence I just love the idea that you know if a woman got husty she gets excuse to use the words toxic and jizz in the same sentence. I just love the idea that, you know, if a woman got busted, she gets referred to as the village bike. And she's got the helmet. Yes. I just like any kind of romantic routine where there's, like, preparation involved. Like, I'm feeling horny, get the stack hat on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it was his request.

Yeah. I can't stick my tongue in your mouth without. Well, what if there's, like it was his request. I can't stick my tongue in your mouth without... Well, what if there's like different levels? If he's like super horny, it's like arm pads and stuff. Oh, yeah, shoulder guards. Wearing protection. You know what? Yesterday was a Super Bowl.

Maybe that was it. He just watched five hours of Super Bowl and went, I really want to root Joe Namath. Joe Namath? That's your only... Your only American football reference Is Joe Namath Yeah

And that's gotta be Is that like from Ace Ventura or something? What's that? That's like from the 70s Joe Namath Dan Marino Because that's why I brought that up

Because I watched the commentary And he was on the panel And he was the only one I knew I'm like Oh it's the guy from Ace Ventura Oh right On the Yeah right

Yeah Dan Marino The guy here at the end The motion picture Ace Venturi, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The reference slightly less old than the Joe Namath reference. Joe Namath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I need to get this in now

just because I know the direction that this show's going. I'm going to be doing shows at the Adelaide Fringe Festival and the Melbourne Comedy Festival. It's called Sex, Drugs and Herbal Tea. I don't think people are going to listen for much longer. I wanted to get the plug in. Oh, wow. Adelaideans, Melbournians, I'd love to see you there.

You better keep inserting that in because that will clearly be cut out. Yeah, exactly. Very smooth tactics. Your management put you up to this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know they do things up at token, all right, but down here on the street level, we've got a bit more respect. Is that the request from your management

so that they can hear the plug and then not have to listen themselves to the rest of it? Yeah. To be honest, I was getting calls. They're unhappy that it's taken this long. Yeah. We should mention very quickly as well, something we should have mentioned at the top of the show,

that 73 days to go until Nicodee's birthday. Oh, yes. We haven't done that for a few episodes. Yeah, we should. There was a good response to the idea of having a Nick Cody Dum Dum Club birthday party in a McDonald's party room. Yep. That was two responses, Nick Cody and Nick Cody's mum.

Even people offering up their children. It's like we said we needed a cover. We need to have some actual kids. People going, you can use my kid to book in for a McDonald's party for Nick Cody if you want. But they're not coming? I don't know. I guess we've got to have at least one kid.

Are we just babysitters from now on? That's a pretty low grade fucking stage mum right there. Push their kids into a fucking podcast. And you breed podcast mums. Yeah, podcast mums. Titsles and Chandler tiaras. And they have to dress them down? Yeah, podcast mums. Titsles and chanley tiaras. And they have to dress them down. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take off the make-up. Yeah, that's it. I'll never let you in. We don't mind if you go a bit John Bonet Ramsey on that one. Did you stop listening to everything in 1984? I don't even know what these things mean. I've just been reading a lot of super specials from Mad.

Just picking up the words. You sure you don't need a kid these things mean. I've just been reading a lot of super specials from Mad. He's just picking up the words. You sure you don't need a kid to book in the party? Well, like... Sure that I don't go, let me check your ID. Oh, you've got one? No way. When you book, you can put in a maximum age and the maximum age goes up to, I think it's like 12 or something.

But my worry is, because you can book it all in online and you don't have to deal with anyone. You can pay and all that online. But my worry is when we turn up, it might be like, this is just all grown men, what's going on? I feel like there was going to be McDonald's this year. And then you walk in. Okay, no further questions.

Obviously a huge corporation. There's obviously going to be some marketing team that you're going to have to go through those lines to do it. You can't just rock up. As soon as that happens, the manager's going to have to press the button and call up and go, hey, we can't be doing this right now. I'm convinced that there's a way to make this happen. And people would have done that

before. Drunk people would have booked a party. Well, that's what I tried to do. Because there must be a culture of adults doing that now, going, oh, how great would it be? Let's have the nostalgic meet. It must have happened. I reckon we go to that extent. We get the kids.

But it's also... Hang on. What a great place for that sentence to just finish. We go to that extent. We get the kids. The end. What else do you need to know? Thanks, guys.

We'll just get some kids. That's the end of most of my plans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your manifesto on your fridge every morning. That's the end of every one of my Comedy Festival shows. Just doing the Buffalo Bill dick between the legs. Meet me at the bar after the show, guys. I've got Chandler

in We Get The Kids. Hey Chandler, what's your favourite stand-up comedy special? Taken, Liam Neeson. Just quickly, you were mentioning the Super Bowl was on yesterday. I did a gig last night and they're a group of guys sitting in the front three guys who'd been watching the super bowl all day so

they were very very drunk and they were mostly okay like they were so drunk that they were just kind of out of it and not really an interference but then one of the acts who was on was talking about um having a tattoo and he asked the crowd, does anyone here have a tattoo? And this drunk guy at the front goes, shush, cunt. And he just goes, whoa. And then sort of the whole audience laughs and he goes back and forth and goes, oh, okay, that's a bit weird. You're a bit drunk.

And then goes on a bit longer. And then the guy again goes, shush, cunt. And then as he's doing it, he's holding up his finger in the shush motion in front of his mouth like that. And he has the words shush, cunt written down his index finger. He has out novelty tattooed Tommy Little. I know. That's what it made me think of.

The great man. You know what I love about that? Novelty tattoo is hack anyway. Everyone's got that. Yeah. I love that it's shush. Like, in the first draft, it was shut up, cunt. He went, no, that's too rude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of these words has to change. Yeah, it's like all the tattoo artists just going, I'm sorry, if you've got cunt in there, you cannot use shut up. I'm going to have to insist that you dial it back a bit. You get more flies with honey than vinegar, you know. If you've got shush there, if you got shush, the door opens. If you got shut up, we don't

want to hear the second word. I love to think he actually went to get shit cunt, but he was so dry that he misspelled it. He slurred it as you request. Shish cunt. I want shish cunt. Shish cunt. I just like the idea, without the rest of it,

that someone wants a tattoo, it says shit. There's a 99% chance I know and hang out with this dude. I bet you're regretting not getting your plug in earlier. But what's your plug for? Food? No, no, Woodby got his plug in. He mentioned the cracked end. People know that that's out there now.

Hey, because we got you on here. You're fresh blood on the show. We haven't had a new sort of local Melbourne comic on for a while. Yeah. And we got you partly because I heard you on another podcast. Open Mic Life. You equipped yourself very well. The unprecedented numbers that they got off that show.

Yeah, of scouting the podcast world. We established that Carl listened to it, so that's unprecedented. It is. I don't even listen to this thing. Is that an internet cafe? Someone said it was a particularly bad episode, so I was like, all right, I'll listen to this. That's true.

It's funny you mention that because I spoke to you the other day and Dane Rathbone, a comedian who's really funny, posted a review on Facebook and he wrote that it was the worst review ever and highlighted bits out of it. And so I was like, oh, I've got to read this. And then it was actually a glowing review. And he ripped all the things out of context. I'm like, you knew the only way you could get comments to read it.

Because if he went, I got a really nice review I'd just be like fuck off Dickie it's like we're straight on our phones to each other going oh Rathbone oh yuck

yeah but Carl you know I've done a lot of gigs at Carl's rooms and things and I listen to the podcast and he calls me and goes when did you fucking get funny

and I was like good good good see your self esteem I was trying to get sober and clean there for a minute not anymore well you did you did that podcast with doug gordon doug gordon um yeah so you were on open mic life with doug gordon you're a guest on his show um first

yeah and this is your second second meteoric rise it's been Isn't that right Hey Let's have a You should go on a third This is your life podcast Straight after this Yeah yeah What next Is there a The internet

Yeah Where would stop for this kid YouTube People in real life laughing at him Wow Could be anywhere He was telling me a story Doug was telling me a story about

On He said to me He was on a date with this girl once. And this is, by the end of the story you'll see why I'm telling this story. He was on a date with this girl and he went to make a move on her and he was just about to seal the deal and kiss her and she started laughing. And he's like, oh, what's so funny? And she goes, oh, I was just thinking about a tweet that Carl Chandler did once.

Oh, bang. How's that? I cock-blocked Doug Gordon on Twitter. Look at the tweet. Wow. A massive cunt in 140 characters or less. Here he is. That's pretty good.

Who was this girl? Yeah. I've got more questions than laughter. That's pretty gnarly. Well, maybe it was just a good excuse to not kiss Doug laughter. That's pretty gnarly. Maybe it was just a good excuse to not kiss Doug Gordon. That's true. I was just reading a tweet by Carl... Who's Carl Chandler?

I don't know. I don't know. It's just Dasilo and Gordon. Maybe it was a girl with the stack hat on. Yeah, Dasilo with the stack hat on. Maybe it was a girl with the stack hat on. Yeah, just like a stack hat on. Open mic live, trying to get into some sweet podcast gear. Someone else was telling me, and I think they've told you this story,

I can't remember all the details, but it was like a guy who listens to the show was on a date with a girl and it was around comedy festival time and you flyered them for your festival show and there was like some weird interaction with you and the guy and then at the end of the date the guy went for a kiss and the girl went, nah. And so he kind of like, this guy like blames you for souring his date.

Oh, really? Yeah, in that place that you go to where you think you've had a good date and it doesn't end up how you want, you just search for excuses. I think he's gone, wait a minute, when Chandler came up to us and handed us a piece of paper, that must have been what ruined it. Oh, really?

Did they come to the show? I don't think they did. That would ruin anyone's fucking date. How personally insulting. Wait, wait, is this technically a review? Because if so, how many stars? It's not too late to put it on the poster. I was just thinking in my last show, if they came to it,

I'd probably remember them. The numbers were that low. Do you know the best, like, dig at a comedian I've ever seen? I'm sure I've told you this personally, but fuck it, we may as well say it on this, was you guys know at the airport how on the inside of toilet doors there's a certain comedian's poster is that a thing yeah for one guy is this in the tiger terminal that's the only one i've ever flown with they can't fix posters to the cage okay yeah right this is not an s in

an airport i get a six seater mooney to fucking avon and then get the flight out. This is not the bus stop at airport weekend. They have those at the Greyhound stop in Werribee. If you want to get good mess, there's a guy called Weasel that hangs out there. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Yeah, so a corporate comedian

does a lot of corporate work. He advertises his shows. There's only one guy. Who did you say it was again? Oh, you haven't said? Yeah. All right. And it says

what he'll do on the poster you know great for weddings corporate functions Christmas parties and then it's got

an arrow that someone's in like a sharpie written from the Christmas parties I line up to their message and it says just over the dude's

face this cunt fucked our Christmas party oh that is stunning. That is so good. That's great. It's almost a good, like, you know,

comedians always get a chance to put their own quotes on posters. I reckon you should almost have to leave the space for an audience quote. Like, you decide an audience captain coming out of the show, that's a captain, go for it. Of all places, on the inside of a cubicle door, though, like, that's where everyone draws. Why would you put anything there? And it said,

this cunt fucked our Christmas party, dot, dot, dot, for a good time, call Macca. Then he did his tag at the end of it. Well, that's what's going to happen to Chandler's posters this year, that just that person will be going, this cunt fucked my date. That sounds a lot worse than what it actually is.

Fuck my date. People are going to see and go, this guy's a legend. It's surely on the inside of a toilet door. I'm going to get a little more of the pink dollar this year. Teach me your magic. I go on dates, I go up and woo!

Someone should do that. Should design a poster to have on the inside of toilet doors which just has got a big speech balloon which just encourages people to knock themselves out. Just go, tell me how much of a dickhead I am. Do you know how many comics are going to be doing that at festival time now? You're going to be inundated with that shit. Dr Brown's going to ride his push bike into it.

I do love, yeah, that's a great idea. If your poster is just you with a big speech bubble and then people can write whatever they want. That'd be cool. Especially inside toilets because that's what else you've got to do. What else have you got to do in there? I just go in there and draw and then walk out and shit my pants. I just go in there, eat a sandwich and leave.

Could use some other things to do. Make the sandwich on the toilet bowl. Woodbury goes home and shits on the tram. I go home and shit on the tram. That's my home. I live on the tram, everyone. I love how we didn't even give you a good one. We gave you the 86.

86. It is my tram too. That's fine. Woodbury's not on It is my tram too. It's good. It's not one of those fancy ones. What's a daily? That's eight bucks a day or so. That's pretty good rent. I don't pay that shit, man.

That's great. Yeah, that's great rent. You're not even a paid inhabitant of the tram. You're a squatter that lives on the tram. Did I not show you my cash converter's gold card? Yes, and that's a real thing. That sounds like a joke. He's got a cash converter gold card.

I've got my fucking face on it too. That's like a proper ID. It's probably not worth carrying around since it says do not serve. It's true. I do actually owe them money. I just never paid and then went to a debt collector and I'm like, fuck you.

And you don't get to keep the card. It's just permanently positioned behind their counter. You've hocked your own cash converter card to cash converter. It's got the CCTV footage of me stealing a Game Boy game. Is there any real gold in this? Is it like membership? If I buy these Mario Brothers,

do I get to keep the gold coins I found in there? And the mushies as well. Is it like getting gold membership at Qantas where there's a lounge, but it's just like a safe injecting room out the back of Cashmere? It's the bench on Smith Street. With my Koorie crew down there just hanging out. You can bring in one guest. It actually just gives me another week of hock

so I don't have to go and pick shit up for another week extra. It's pretty good. So what have you hocked? What's the biggest thing you've hocked? The biggest thing I've hocked... That you've originally owned. Oh. The 86.

Yeah. When I was younger, I used to hock a bunch of shit to get enough $25 for a stick of weed, like $25 worth of weed. So I'm taking rollerblades and pots and pans and just enough shit to make it equal $25. I love how rollerblades are like a tool that you use to get yourself healthy.

Yeah. And you've decided, nah, nah, trade that in and I'm going to go. Roll a blade there and take them off and like, come on. But you know.

I like how you look less dodgy by having weed instead of roller blades. That's so true. How much would you love to see a dude trying to score on blades? Yeah.

That movie's called Hackers in 1993. A guy on Victoria Street like smuggling like roller blades up to a guy and going, what do you want, man? Malibus, rochers, I've got everything.

Gangsters on blades. Just roll bar, roll bar. They're rolling, they're hating. Maybe that's what happened to the girl you saw making out with the guy in the stack hat. Maybe the guy flogged her rollerblades and she's just in denial about it. She's just hoping that one day they'll come back to it. I can't wait to pay Fleety in rollerblades for the next gig. Or if it's like a corporate gig, he gets paid in a Razor scooter.

That's like high coin. Hey, what about this? I got a text. You know, in the ongoing stories of people texting and ringing me that's still going on. In this day and age, you're still getting texts and calls. Well, very quick story from Dan Marino. Yeah, I got a fax from Joe Namath.

Faxing your questions. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's hitting me up on the pager. Yeah, Jay has just signed my pager. And WG Gross sent a smoke signal. And we're done. All right, that's it. That's all of them. That's it.

That's everyone that's ever played sport. Very quickly, my number's out there on the internet and I've been getting a lot of people hitting me up and whatever. Everyone knows that. Hopefully now everyone does now, officially everyone in this room. Now starting now. I got a text from a friend of the show yesterday and this is what it's come to. It was sort of like a little bit of, hey, thanks for the podcast to start with, you

know, in general. And then it came into abuse and late night calls and just ringing up and hanging up. Yeah, yeah. You don't know this? This has been happening for months. This has been happening for months. Good. Because Tommy gave my number out on the podcast a couple of months ago.

So that's all I've been getting. I'm still getting it now. I turn my – just for everyone, in case you want to ring me at 3 in the morning, I do turn my phone off at night now. Now? Yeah. That's a new thing. That's a new thing for me. that's a new thing that's a new thing for me that's a new thing

how how long like how long of you receiving calls in the middle of the night did it take for you to finally put your foot down and go that's it the phone's going off i don't know i've recently done it a couple weeks ago you're getting new ones or is it just the same spastics doing it like the whole sorry you're not no but no but this is this is the cool thing that the the brave hearts that are ringing me in the middle of the morning in the middle of the morning are uh uh putting private numbers you're saying that like that's a like like oh what cowards mate that is exactly what i would do why would you give your number out for sure but recently

yeah yesterday I got a text from a friend of the show that wasn't abusive so I was like sweet I'm having a ripper day but a request

and I don't know how you feel about this they it's a friend of the show from Perth and they have said they haven't given me a text which in the past

they've done is go oh have you got any gigs on this week that I can come to they've asked they haven't given me a text which in the past they've done they've asked can I come to a private recording of the podcast in the next week like oh because they're

in Melbourne they just want to come and sit here like your dog is sitting here at the moment not my dog my girlfriend's dog

she's dog poor old dog anyway and just sit here and be quiet for an hour and listen to us three and whatever vagrant we pull off the street next week. Oh, he'll still be here. So optimistic he's going to leave. I'm actually doing this podcast and your house is getting jacked

by all my homies right now. Because normally since we've been kicked out of the studio we used to be in, me and Carl have sort of argued over whose house it should be at out of convenience but this week it was like nah fuck it let's do it at yours

I don't want would be knowing where I live and you know I luckily I was banging a girl on your street just down the road there

and when he says 100% true really there in the corner yeah when he says on your street he literally means

on your street in the gutter oh we got kicked off the 86 I found a stack hat in hard rubbish and I started going to town when I rocked up here I thought that was He literally meant on your street. In the gutter. Oh, we got kicked off the 86. I found a stack hat in hard rubbish and I started going to town. When I rocked up here, I thought that was a speed hump. There was. Bang.

It was a speed hump. Bang, you've got everything. Speed hump. You've got everything. I wonder what the poor people are doing today. You've got all my possessions, my STDs. That's it. Just finger banging it with my gold card.

Is that, were you really, you came here straight from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I woke up really late. I was like, oh shit, because you didn't send me the message. You said you did, but you didn't. No, I did, but I'm having trouble with my phone at the moment. It's been, I think I've got viruses from all the prank calls. And I didn't know what street I was on,

so I put it into the maps on my phone and it's like, you know how it says like current location. It's like boop. Just like phone and it's like, you know how it says, like, current location is like, boop. Just like, yeah. Those viruses aren't from friends of the show texting you. That's because you've had contact with Carl Woodbury's phone. It's STDs of his phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go close to explain. I use this as a public forum to say that any girls that I've slept with in the past two years, please give me a call because, yeah. You being so close, that explains why you don't have pants on. You've just walked straight two houses down. They're cool lots. I found them. I'm just imagining Woodbury hitting an empty soup can with a string out the end going,

he never sent me the message. I didn't get it. I can't imagine. Who are you with? Campbell's? I can't imagine him having sex last night, picking up wearing what he's wearing. I put this on going, oh, yeah, this is fine. Is this formal wear?

You know what I did? I was a bit nervous about coming here, so I looked up confidence on how to be confident. Anthony Robbins told you how to dress like this. He did. My life coach, Bingo, called me up. Mate, just fucking wear the ASU shirt. I love it.

I like that Tommy Little is sitting next to you and when you admitted where you'd just been, Little's body language is – he's sort of shifting back in his seat, just trying to get a little bit more distance away from you. No, no, no. You know what happened? I got interested. For the first time I just switched on.

I was like, why have we been talking about other stuff? Hey, here's a sweet time to put a plug for your show in. Am I token material? Am I token material, do you think, the project maybe? What's the middle one? Charlie, what's his name? Yeah, you know when Hughsey gets on the project and goes, yeah, g'day guys, great to be here.

I was just rooting a chick down the street anyway Anyway, here's what's in the headlines. Good on you. Is that pretty good? So who's the chick from Arsenal? She's a lovely French young lady who lives down the street from here. Name? Have you got a name? Her name's Adelaide.

Hey, Bert, if you're out there. That probably sounds really romantic in France, but the worst name ever here. How does that sound with a French accent? You were born... No. Adelaide. Adelaide?

Adelaide. Adelaide? I can say that. Sheethole. Sheethole. Honey, you were born in one of the most beautiful places in the world, so we want to give you the name of the opposite. How do you

say 24 hour bakery you want to meet my sister Wollongong and so are you dating this girl is this just like is this the first time no no yeah we're seeing each other they're passionate they're brand, the French. Right. Yeah, it's good. It's good. And what, Adelaide Woodbury? Is that in your future? Actually, you say that because she got wasted the other night and she has to leave the country and she got drunk

and asked me if I would marry her. Just kidding. Oh, God. Green card. Green card to go with your cash converter card. Green and gold card someone found my wallet right now there's no money in it

no ATM card a fucking a gold cash converter card and a healthcare card with a bit ripped out of it that's what's in there right now there is no way

this chick is actually French I'm lying to her you know what she's just from a different tram line and they were trying to explain it she's like she's some fucking foreigner or something

I don't know like at the 86 she gets the 96 we're like fucking foreigner or something I don't know like in the 86 she gets the 96 we're like fucking Raymiel and Julie together we're on the 69

and she was talking like this the whole time until the end oh yeah Woodbury yeah good on ya and then you're like

oh we should hook up again oh I'm from France I fly home today what's your name oh there's an atlas Adelaide Perth Fremantle

I don't know Woolworths Woolworths yeah had one Macca's meal together and the end

he was like see you love and she goes ciao and he goes oh fuck foreigner she said

who are you and I assumed that was French I've never heard of it no no she she lived

in a house. And so he's like, la-di-da, sophisticated, must be from France. That was a frog box. The main thing I love about Woodbury is that the more you invent the just absolute worst scenario for his life, the more into it he gets. He just champions it. It's like depressing homeless impro.

He's just going, yes, and? Yeah, you live on a tram, you hopeless cunt. Yeah, I'm great, yes. Woodbury, you're looking all right. Stop blocking. I just moved into my 40th house down the road there, and I'm 28, so I don't know what average that is, but it's pretty good. That's crazy.

I think I put it on Facebook. I said I must be a really awesome roommate. Just everyone wants to live with me. Well, the problem is people just keep coming home from holiday. Squatter's rights, cunt, or I can live where I want. Yeah, never had your name on the lease once. You've lived in 40 houses. Oh, once, and that was enough, right?

Never again. Oh, man. Well, this is a good time to bring up, you know, we are recording this in my house. I'm currently looking for housemates, which I did. Oh, is this an ad? Well, because I mentioned a few weeks ago. I'll be looking for one in a week.

Little's advertising his festival show in Melbourne and Woodbury's girlfriend. Yeah. Adelaide, sorry. So I was mentioning a couple of weeks ago that we were looking for a new house and then I was sort a couple of weeks ago that we were looking for a new house and then I was sort of joking about, oh, imagine if our housemates just moved out and then we decided to stay.

And that's exactly what we've ended up doing. We've pulled off the scam of the century. Did you want to? Don Chandler, I did it. Yeah, yeah. So was the main reason you wanted to move to get away from your housemates? It was a bit of that, but it was also like let's just – Your housemates are the irredeemable scum of the earth.

Kind of. I notice that you talk about like diss your housemates a lot, just even since the start of the – you know, since you guys started. Did they ever listen to it and just go, oh, this is a bummer? No, see, any time I've lived with new people – Housemeeting. I kind of leave it a few months and I'll repeatedly mention that I do a podcast and, you know, when they say, what did you do today?

I'll say, oh, I went and recorded my my podcast and I sort of leave it a few months to hear if they ever go oh yeah you know what I finally listened and if like a couple of months goes past where I don't get that I go well I reckon it's safe to talk about them because it doesn't seem like if they were going to do it they would have done it by now so they're gone and uh we're now looking uh for new people which fun. I love that your idea of evidence that they haven't listened is that they haven't brought it up. They've moved out of your fucking house. This is the ninth fucking time you've addressed online

that you need new housemates. And then your housemates again. I have no idea why they keep leaving. Yeah, this is all making a lot of sense now that you put it that way. Maybe it is me. So who are you looking for? What's ideal candidate? Another couple?

Well, I can tell you. Just interview me like you – not me, obviously, but imagine I'm someone respectable, right? I can tell you what the ideal candidates aren't because we've gotten plenty of them emailed back. Oh, what are you asking? So people send you – what do they send? Like a regiment, like a housemate regiment?

Like a questionnaire to fill out? No, you know, we've just put an ad on Gumtree, so you just get – you know, you put as much as you can on that ad about you and the house and what you like and what you don't like and all that stuff. Okay, so this one, this is, I reckon, not just one of the great responses to our ad, but I think one of the great Gumtree responses of all time. This guy opens up, he goes,

first of all, I don't have a mobile phone at the moment, so starting off strong. Bro Channel's fax. No, but to be fair, I mean, they've only come in in the last 15 years. That's true. I suppose so, yeah. I am a bit on top of things. It is unfair of me to judge.

Second line, I'm 49 years old. I smoke, brackets, but I'm happy to do it outside. That's good of you. Do I obey the law like that? He's not even talking about it. He's smoking inside. He's just doing it outside. I'm embarrassed, Tommy, because this is me under a pseudonym.

I apologise. This is your dad. Then he goes, I've lived in a two-bedroom house with 11 other people before, so I'm familiar with the process. What process? What are you talking about? Of making bad decisions. Of living in a halfway house.

And then, so it's already great, and then he signs it off with, I play online poker all day, so I require a great internet connection. Anyway, cheers, guys. Give us a call. On what? You don't have a great internet connection. Anyway, cheers, guys. Give us a call. On what? You don't have a phone, idiot. So I just... You'll have to play him in a tournament

and then you can get to the second round. Tell us right how much it is a week on the King of Clubs. My username is GreatGuy. Get on there and find me. I don't necessarily think This guy is such a bad option Because you know what It's always good

To have someone around Like you know when you watch TV shows And Entourage does this particularly You start to hate your own life Because of how much They're succeeding

Yes But if you've got this Miserable arsehole Sitting at home That's a good point You can get dumped You know Get the clap

Have a whole Woodbury day and come home and go, at least I'm not this guy. Get knocked back by a chick literally on the street. Chosen Woodbury over you. Well, you know, one benefit I was thinking, at least we'd be able to have a huge house party for his 50th this year, so that would be something. Let me guess.

That'd be good. Poker theme? Can you do a collab- collab with Cody's birthday maybe? I know there are some younger people who listen to this who might be going through that phase now of getting ready to move out of home that is a stunning example of how

not to fill out, how not to reply because literally every single line of that is wrong not even just I play a lot of online poker. I play it all day. And also I like that he's going, you've got to have a great internet connection. Like that's for you to work out.

That's like you should have that. Did you have the price on there of how much it was going to be per week or per month? For the rent? Yeah. How the fuck is he going to pay for his online poker? I reckon he just makes all his money from online poker. Yeah, that's a thing.

Why do you need such a fast internet connection for poker, though? You've got to wait for the card to be dealt. It's like people just start, oh, he's connected. I'll just start giving myself cards. Yeah, or it's not like, I can't see that program being like, you know, having high, it's like a World of Warcraft style. Yeah, he plays online poker in World of Warcraft. It's like this awesome 3D model of the dealer that takes ages to like that.

A 3D Jack coming off the card. No, but you guys get it, right? You get what it is. It's not – you're right. You don't need an awesome connection with poker. What do you need an awesome connection for? High-definition porn. 47 guys, one goat.

Bring it on. 47 guys. That's just, he wants to dress it down a little bit. What? 47 men, one goat. That is a full house. Wow. Deuces a while on that one.

Or a full goat. Another great one we got was a guy going, yeah, I study this. I work here. First paragraph seems okay. And then second paragraph opens with this, he goes, so my family are Saudi Arabian, brackets, brackets, but don't worry, nothing wrong with that, nothing serious. And I was like, don't think I was worried about that

until you felt like you had to point that out in the brackets there. Oh, come on. Yes, you were. Yes, you did. No, I wasn't. You had your little muzzy sensor fucking kicking off the radar. You put that muzzy net over you. That's where you're wrong. Woodbury took my muzzy sensor down to cash converters a month ago,

so I'm muzzy sensorless. Muzzy sensorless. But here's the thing. So basically what happened was we went pretty far down the line with moving out of this place. We told the agent we were going to get out. We were looking at all these other places. We just couldn't find anywhere good in our price range.

Our housemates moved out and we went, oh, well, let's just stay. But because it got so far down the line, we had told – so there's a police sign out the front of the house. They'd scheduled an inspection for this place and we told them on the Friday, like, no, no, no, cancel that. We're staying. But they didn't take the ad down and it was over the australia day long weekend so it was online all over the long weekend saying

inspection this time at 5 p.m so the ad only gets taken down on the morning of the inspection so it gets to 5 p.m on the tuesday and there were literally like at least 40 people just gathered out the front of our house like waiting waiting to come in and have a look. So it was like this hostage situation where we... Why didn't we schedule a live podcast really quickly? That would have been great, yeah. So it was like this weird thing where... Quick, do your festival show.

This is... I'm breaking records. Guys, can you come to Adelaide? OK, the... We're out of this. OK, guys, bad news, the inspection is off, but you come to Adelaide? Okay. We're out of this. Okay, guys. Bad news. The inspection is off, but I think this will sweeten the deal. Who wants to see an hour of some sweet stand-up comedy?

Guys, before I tell you about the inspection, what's your name? Where are you from? Where are you from? All right. Where do you live? Oh, nowhere. That's why you're here looking bad. Can we just get everyone to sit up the front first?

Let me talk to you. And there's only a few of you. We're going to have a great time tonight, all right? Yeah, okay. Well, for the next live one, why don't I just get on to run property right now, tell them this place is back on the market, get them to schedule an inspection for Friday. Just write ten minutes about every room in the house.

There's a curious thing I did notice about your board out the front. Not so much pictures of the house on it. It's just a giant picture of a hot bird on it. Yeah, yeah. That's the way I came in. I didn't even know we were doing a podcast today. Why the fuck do you think I'm here? That's who I thought I was fucking.

That's not a real person. It's not Adelaide. That's Adelaide. I thought Woodbury. I looked at Woodbury and went, she looks better in photo. It's the first ever for lease sign that has a glory hole cut in the bottom of it, thanks to Carl Woodbury. And the face hole cut out.

Woodbury was confused about the picture of the girl and just this house. Inventional four walls and a roof, I like it. Why is this guy so close to us at the moment? That's an odd thing though, isn't it? Like it's like, is that showing no confidence in that? That's a big thing of run property. That girl, you see her all over the place. It just makes, yeah.

You're right, because it's got nothing to do with. No, it doesn't show a lot of confidence in the thing that you're selling. It's a nice house. And the line is like, the text says. Come and watch this slap sell stuff. No, it's something like, I know you'll be happy here. It's kind of like... That's creepy a little bit.

It's a little bit suggestive. Trust me, I don't have a helmet on. Imagine they're in a helmet. That is good. I think I'd be good at real estate agents. Oh, here we go. I couldn't even say I'd be good at real estate agents. A good real estate agent. Do you have to go. I couldn't even say I'd be good at real estate agents. A good real estate agent.

Do you have to go to a course or something to do that? No, no, no. You just rock up at a house. Okay, good, yeah. That's it. And have change on you. Ah. Next question.

Well, okay, this is another housemate thing. You can borrow 40 cents, bro. This is another housemate thing I wanted to talk about that I think I've told you a bit of this in person but not on the show, but there's a new development. So at my old house, I used to live with a couple. It was just me and a couple. The guy in the couple was in a band,

and about three months after they had moved in, my girlfriend had been coming around a bit, and she goes to me, Hey, yeah. We're bragging now. And we're at the end of the story. Feel that stack hat up. So, so far, Woodbury, Desolo, boning bitches.

All right. Chandler, what have you been getting? I know people that know women. Are you trying to say you know these two? Yeah. So about three months in, my girlfriend goes, hey, this is kind of a weird thing, but I've got to tell you this. A few years ago, I hooked up with your housemate at a club.

And I was like, oh, okay. I was like, well, I've got to ask him about this. And she goes, no, please don't because then I'm never coming to this house again. That's too awkward. And so there'd be nights where my girlfriend would come around and him and his girlfriend would be sitting there. And I wanted to know if she knew it like because it was this weird thing where it

was like we might all know what's going on here like this might be a thing where all four of us are aware of what's going on but i just i just really wanted to bring it up so i never did and i was never sure like if he knew that uh that you know if he remembered her or recognized her or whatever because she looked a bit different then and, like, but then we realised that he got together with his girlfriend that he was living with not, like, right after he'd hooked up with Alice, my girlfriend. So we think he would remember her because it was, like, the last girl that he'd hooked up with before being

in a long-term relationship. He'd remember for sure. Which I think you remember, like... He'd remember for sure. Yeah, so anyway, I was never certain. Woodbury, you remember Hobart before Adelaide. It's pronounced Hobo. So anyway, I could never work it out.

I was never sure if he remembered her or not. Anyway, the other day I'm on the internet, I'm looking around some music blogs and stuff and this guy's band have a new song out and the name of the song is Alice. Oh. Yeah. Mystery solved.

Oh, man. Is the song about still banging this girl even when she starts going out with a podcast? That's it. So I told my girlfriend and she's like, oh, so what's the song like? I'm like, I'm not listening to it. Was he in Tism? I've come across this before. Yeah.

I had a friend and her name was Genevieve. And he started, same thing, dude in a band, started going out with a new chick and put out a song and it was called Old Genevieve. And it was like, I hate your shitty upper middle class ways, like really having a crack. And she was like, um. That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend Gangnam Style.

He was wondering what Barnsley was singing about his ex-girlfriend Sydney. So I couldn't listen to it because I was, you know how like that James Blunt song, You're Beautiful, it's like those songs where it's like singing like kind of at this beautiful girl and then in brackets it's like, yeah, and what about your fuckhead boyfriend that's always hanging around? I was like, what if it's like this ode to my girlfriend and just like, yeah, and I'm having this boy.

Have you not listened? I've listened since and I can't, I mean, I've gotten like real Russell Crowe beautiful mind on it. Like I've got all the lyrics pinned up on the wall trying to work out the hidden meanings. I'd say more like the movie 23. And I would start having irrational thoughts when I was listening to it, like getting competitive, like, oh, I can write a fucking song.

Yeah, what are you writing a song about? His girlfriend now. Yeah, I'll start doing stand-up about her. Yeah. Now it's even the playing field. But you just get it all wrong and you start doing stand-up about how hot his girlfriend now is and how you wish you were going out with his girlfriend now.

Yeah, take that, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Come on, take that. Caroline, you're hotter than Alice. Yeah. Yeah, I jerked off over her. In your girlfriend. Yeah, take that, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Come on, take that. Caroline, you're hotter than Alice. Yeah. Yeah, I jerked off over her. In your face. Yeah.

In your face. Not in your face. Oh, man. We're getting to that point. The ultimate revenge. The innuendos coming out. We're getting to that point. The ultimate revenge.

Does Alice listen to it? She's listened to it, yeah. Yeah? Did you watch her face when she's listening to it for that little bit of that? She's listening to it and she's like, oh, that's quite good. I'm like, that's the wrong answer.

Like the smile is the one you're going to, it's just like, oh, yeah, I remember that. But what does Alice really rhyme with? Like that's not a great rhyming. Malice? Malice? Phallus? Phallus.

Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no. No wonder she liked the song. Yeah, the opening line, Alice, when you sucked my phallus. Delete iTunes, get out of my library. Tommy, that sounds nice.

We were all thinking, why did you have to say it, Tommy? Why did you have to say it? That song just wrote itself, didn't it? Sometimes it's better to show rather than tell. Can I ask about a follow-up thing from the last thing that I – the last episode? Yeah, sure. So you had a thing with a – you called someone maybe a cunt during a show and you had to apologise?

You're going to have to narrow it down a little bit. Yeah, that's it. You mentioned in the Brendan Burns episode that you had some – a friend of yours came to the show and you had a bit of a dig at. What was the tone of your having a go at them? The follow-up was, I think we sort of did a little bit of a follow-up, didn't we, or not? Acted out, like use your acting skills, which you're renowned for.

Oh, God, don't use your acting skills. Oh, God. Each time he acts, a student from NIDA dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fleety was fine and then he left Nida, I acted at him and now he's... And now look,

now he's worse than you, Woodry. What was the tone? Like, did you actually have a crack at them or were you saying it in a nice way? Because I can't imagine you... When I heard it,

I thought it was funny because I can't imagine actually going someone. No. No, what was it? I finished the gig, I did a joke and i've explained this before but i did the joke it went fine then i picked up the mic the mic smacked me in the face and then this guy yelled out that's a i've since found out he's a friend of the show

listens goes ha not even the mic like that joke and then people laughed at that and i'm like people laughed at that joke you're a cunt yeah which is very good i was there backstage you walked out yeah and then i reported back the story on this thing the next week but changed the word to arsehole and then he hit us up to go by the way i believe the word how dare you how dare you go yeah and you go to me i don't know what he's talking about that joke killed killed. I was like, all right, mate. I heard a ripper the other night. I was standing in a comedy club and there was a comedian on stage,

quite big, really big, really big. Like girth, is that what you're saying? Yeah. Famous or? I think everybody. Famous? No, no, sorry. Literally, size-wise.

Quite fat. Yeah, fat guy. Fatty bull. And he was Dassolo. Fat Frank. Fat Frank, that mate of ours. Fat fuck. What I'm going to say is Dassolo was on stage.

Guys, come on. He was trying to get into material about MasterChef, but he didn't think about his choice of words much, and he said the crowd was really nice. Was he eating cake at the time? Like, I'll get there. Yes. You know? Mate, it's your first podcast.

This isn't choose your own adventure. All right, all right. I'll go back four pages and not do that. So according to Woodbury, there was a fat bloke eating cake on stage. I love this joke. Go on. I don't know what happened. This is all just.

I tried that on the 86 earlier if I can remember it just occurred to me Woodbury's not even podcasting technically right now this is just pillow talk for him I'm actually busking her but I'm hacked out

this whole conversation he usually has with himself on the tram without a mic he's that guy on the tram yeah and then I went out with Adelaide and I was like

what yeah I was like, what? Yeah. He's like, what? You were telling a great story. Go on, sorry. Don't listen to this, guys. So he wants to get into the material about Muncher and just not thinking his words to get into it, he goes, so I hate food. And like straight, like a clap, quicker than there was breathing space,

a crowd who'd been so polite all night, this chick just goes, oh, fuck off, you dude. Oh, man. And he handled it with just the finesse of a sledgehammer. Like he just goes, hang on, who said that? And she was like, oh, sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. He's like, you're calling me fat.

And the audience is just in raptures. Just like, she is. She just like she is she's fucking doing that and by laughing we are not disagreeing with her we agree oh man i need 3d glasses for this we're actually sitting on top of you as we're clapping so this is a comedy cruise and you're the cruise man that's brutal i had i I had one in Adelaide recently. Hang on. You were in? Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boyfriend's right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just asking him for the treatment because I know him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You double-tap afterwards, Barry. Just tell me what have I done. Oh, my God.

Double-tap. Yeah, you've got to do a lot of things. I did a gig in Adelaide and the gig was really, by the time I got on it was really rough. It was at a pub. People were kind of strolling around. The night hadn't really gone well. And I said to people, I was like, in the first couple of minutes I'm like,

let's just have a good time. People at the back, get to the front. You know, this has got 20 minutes to go. Let's make a show of it. And people were all lovely, except for one table that didn't move at the back. And I was like, what about you guys? What about you guys? And the guy sitting at the back of the back. And I was like, what about you guys? What about you guys?

And the guy standing at the back of the room looked over his shoulder like, who are you talking to, buddy? And I said, there's no one behind you, fuckhead. Who do you think I'm talking to? And did the gig. Went well. Afterwards, anyway, I was talking to a few people from the crowd. This bloke just makes a beeline for me, walks straight up,

gives me a nice palm to the chest and goes, don't call me a fuckhead. And I was like, oh, my God. that was like 20 minutes a half an hour ago i go sorry mate and he goes i'm not your mate don't call me a head i'm like okay i can't call you mate i can't call you head which one can i call you straight away his other mate comes in and just goes don't call him a head you're not funny champ you're not funny i was like look around it was pretty it was funny and apparently i'm the champ they loved it because after saying this a few times like i was well and truly intimidated enough that i was just like okay sorry boys sorry boys have a good night and they went to walk away

and they had like a mini conference of like no no, no, he didn't shit himself enough. So straight back round. Yeah, fuck, you're not funny. Don't call me a fuckhead. It's like, oh, Jesus. And knowing it's always good to get into a fight at a comedy room because you know all the comedians are right there, four suburbs over, shitting their pants.

Yeah, and all of them are really good fighters and we're not doing comedy doing MMA and trying to already tweet jokes about it yeah thanks for having me back boys

they're in their panic room just writing fucking tweets they're in a fight over who gets to use it as a routine that story in handle is this still a tab

yeah it's still a tab now I need to clear something up you said that you called him a fuckhead did you really or did you call him a cunt?

Because we've come under fire once before. That's a classic comedy trick. Yeah, I've got to fact check everything on this show from now on. I called him a cunt hole. A cunt head. A head cunt. Because that is the guy that's been texting me that wants to come to the next recording of the podcast, so he might bring that up.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so what are we going to do with that? Should we allow someone into the sanctity? I mean, yeah, I'm down. I'm into it. Maybe I can see if they want to move in at the same time. What's the name of the thing on the internet where you try and raise money for things?

Kickstarter? Cash Converters. Cash Converters online. Do you want to start a Kickstarter for your life? Yeah. That is the baby bonus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby bonus.

Oh, mum, did you spend my Kickstarter? You don't get any money for abortions. No, that's horrible. Me neither. Hey, so what you mentioned before we started the show that I'm intrigued by, you don't have your key card. You don't have your ATM card at the moment.

No. Because... Yeah. This Spanish guy I sort of know. Oh, you mean... That story can just end there. I was at the Amazon pub and I was like, I couldn't be fucked going over to the ATM across the road,

so I gave him my PIN number and my... Is this your Spanish friend, Warnambool? Yeah. Who went, can I have your ATM card? Ole. Gracias, dickhead. And I gave it to him and I think I'm going to get it back and he didn't take any money, I've cancelled it.

But yeah, he went over and he gave it to him. You think he's going to give it back but I've cancelled it. Yeah, I don't know, man. So shit like that happens all the time. You get used to living like this. You sort of know a Spanish guy, so you gave him your ATM card to go and get cash and then you didn't see him again.

Is that right? That's the story? Because the great irony here is you saying you couldn't be bothered to go across the street to get it yourself. But cancelling your card is way more effort than just going across the street. By no point did I say I'm a top bloke, all right? I've got a joke for all the dads listening. That's why I don't give you ATM cards to the Spanish.

I only give it to Indians because you know it's coming back to you. Yeah. Eh? Indian giving. Because Native Americans, is that what you're saying? Oh, being my trailer. My great-grandma is quarter-plugging me. At Tommy's house.

I love it. It is a stage of doing trial shows getting ready for for festivals and stuff at the moment and the amount of times I've said that sentence in a trial show don't worry that joke won't be in the show

yeah and then getting to the end of the 50 minutes and going don't worry that show will not be in the show it will not be in the festival there are plenty of other things

at the festival it's a really good time that won't be in the show it's April 15 we're in Town Hall. This is the show, Tommy. This is the show. You're on telly, mate.

Yeah, it's 2015. You've been doing this for three years now. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us, Tommy Little and Carl Woodbury. Thank you for being on the show. You guys both have shows to plug. Little, let's get one more in for you.

It's called Sex, Drugs and Herbal Tea. It's at the Garden of Unearthly Delights in Adelaide. It's at the Melbourne Town Hall in Melbourne. And it is at the Enmore in Sydney. Excellent. For all the comedy festivals. Carl Woodbury, you're doing Adelaide, I believe? Yeah, I don't...

You're yelling at strangers on Smith Street every night. I am doing Adelaide. And I'm also doing a festival show in the town Adelaide. When are you there? Last two weeks. We're there at the same time. Oh, yeah, we're at the same time. Do you remember the name of my venue?

Carl Woodbury has a calendar. I forget. Are you the same place as Bart, yeah, we're at the same time. Do you remember the name of my venue? Just as if we bring out a calendar. I forget. Are you the same place as Bart? Same as Bart Friedman. I believe it's Format. Format. Yeah, a little magazine shop. In Adelaide. Yeah.

In Adelaide. What's the show called? How Shit is Shit. That's... I wish that was a show called. I wish that was a show. It's a show about just this. Is this some sort of Jeopardy thing where you give the review before you give the title?

What is Fuck Off Cold Chandler? Hey, I just want to say, great show, lads. From someone who started podcasting, thinking I would do podcasting for a long time, it does get very hard doing other stuff, and it's good to see you've kept up because it's awesome. Oh, yeah, thanks. It's really nice that we're both unemployed

and have nothing else going on. It's a real testament to how shit we are at everything else. I've also enjoyed my time on Open House Life. It's been great. I know we give each other so much shit that even me saying that, I can see you get a bit nervous because you're like, oh, yeah, what are you going to say? I'm clenching up.

Yeah, I've got my jukes up. It's like if I said I love you to my dad, it just gets super uncomfortable. say. I'm clenching up. Yeah, I've got my dukes up. It's like if I said I love you to my dad, it just gets super uncomfortable. But I knew even with doing our podcast, you know, get some listeners from you and send listeners across here and I always got messages from our listeners saying

how much they love the podcast. Oh, cool. Bloody good work. You guys ending and Will Anderson's podcast ending has been a big boon for us because now people like have nothing else going on. Guys, thank you very much for listening. We've got the live shows coming up in Brisbane, Melbourne. Sydney's going to be on sale soon. We're also both doing our own shows in Brisbane and Melbourne.

I'm doing Adelaide and we're doing Sydney as well. I've got podcasts. I've got podcasts. I've got T-shirts in my house and podcasts. We should very, very soon. Big news. The website's going to be up and running I believe in the next week Which will be great

We are going to get a website Can you fax that to me? Hit us up on Twitter Hit us up on Facebook Send us an email LittleDumbDumbClub at gmail.com Guys thank you very much for listening And we will see you next time

See ya mate Did we say that bit or? You should have Would have been nice But anyway