The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 125 - Felicity Ward & David Quirk

Episode Date: February 14, 2013

Handicapped Crashes, Late Meals and Painted Balls.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates. Just dropping in at the start of the episode to let you know that we have shows coming up all over the country. Where are we first? We're in Brisbane. We're in Brisbane on what, like February, late February? Late February, last week of February, first weekend of March, I believe. We are doing our own shows, our own solo comedy festival shows

at the Brisbane Comedy Festival, Brisbane Powerhouse. What's yours called, Tommy? It's called Spread. It is the untold history of Vegemite. My great-grandfather, Fred Walker, inventor of Vegemite, I'm telling his story. What's yours called, Chan-Man? Mine is called Carl Chandler Has Literally 1.5 Million Jokes

and it is just a joke fest. I'm writing a joke as we speak, trying to fit it in there. And then we're also doing the live Little Dum Dum Club, our first ever Brisbane live show on the Saturday afternoon, also at the Brisbane Powerhouse, so maybe you could come see us first ever Brisbane live show on the Saturday afternoon, also at the Brisbane Powerhouse, so maybe you could come see us all in the one day on the Saturday. Then I am going to be in Adelaide for two weeks doing my show spread at the Rhino Room.

You can get tickets from adelaidefringe.com.au. And then on to Melbourne. We are both doing our own shows again in the Forum Theatre in Melbourne for the whole three weeks of the festival. Tuesday through to Sunday. Yes, and then on Mondays we're once again doing our Live Little Dum Dum Clubs that we did last year at the Comedy Festival.

They were full last year and so, of course, for some reason we're in a smaller venue this year. So get in quick because they're already selling pretty fast. Yeah, they're already selling well and, like we said, the venue's much smaller and we had good numbers, so you really need to confirm your tickets. We're going to have great special guests as soon as we think of some. Yeah.

That'll be great. That's someone on your phone ringing right now. And then we're going to be in Sydney Comedy Festival after that. Oh, Barry Humphries? No, look, we'll talk later about getting on the show. So we're going to be in Sydney after that. Details about that coming out later, but that'll be after the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

So heaps of stuff going on. Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne are all on sale, aren't they, right now? Yeah. We'd love to see you come down to one of the shows, and we'll see you there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. A late one this week. A day late putting the episode up. We've mentioned it on the Twitter and the Facebook and stuff. And people are pretty furious. I don't think it'll matter to most people who won't listen to it on time.

Yeah, but that's what you think. But there's a bit of it that's like... Any excuse to complain on the internet, I think people are pretty happy with. So I think we've actually made people happier than normal. And I have to say I've enjoyed being a little bit withholding with people. Do you know what I mean? Like it's been a bit of a thrill to see. I've been watching people get a bit worked up and going,

yeah, maybe we'll wait four more days until we put this up. Maybe I'll put this up in a year. Maybe we'll just go a year with no new episodes and no explanation about it. Well, it's nice to know that people care. Who was it? Someone tweeted genuinely, and I'm taking this seriously, someone's genuinely unhappy because they scheduled a dentist appointment

for today and they planned on listening to this while they're getting teeth taken out? Is that what was happening? I think, I don't know what, I think maybe they were going to listen yesterday and then they were going to do the dentist today. Oh, I thought it was they were listening to us or maybe instead of reading Women's Day in the waiting room or whatever. Or maybe they just put, like the dentist just puts,

instead of the gas, just puts a headphone on and sends you to sleep with it. Yeah, yeah. But I liked it because there was a month-long period where a couple of quite beloved Australian podcasts, Slap Bang and Toe Fop, both announced that they were ending. And so we got a lot of refugees off that and a lot of people going, oh, those shows have ended.

Please don't you guys end your show. Oh, those same people now, the minute it's a day later, like, oh, this is fucked. You guys are bullshit. Lift your game. Oh, we did end that podcast. This is something different now. This is the little Not Bright Not Bright Club.

This is different. This is every Thursday. So it's the little Not Bright Not Bright Club. This is different. This is every Thursday. So it's the little Not Bright Not Bright Club. Yeah. The little Not Bright Not Bright organisation. Yeah, all right. Okay, yeah. Instead of the A.

A little Not Bright Not Bright. One of the many Not Bright Not Bright organisations. One of. Yeah, one of dozens that are out there. We're like a collective. Today on the show, two returning guests. First of all, you know him from Promises. Problems.

Promises. Promises. Promises. The drama. The drama. Yeah. Brilliant show. Problems on the ABC.

Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, David Quirk. Yeah. Great success. Who did you play in Promises? I played a beau. Beau. Oh, yeah Who did you play in Promises? I played a beau. Beau. Yeah. Oh, yeah?

And who was your partner again? He was like a sort of a typical heartthrob. Yeah, obviously. Retarded heartthrob. Retarded heartthrob. Is that a thing? A retardthrob. Yeah.

Tardthrob. Yeah. Tardthrob. Who was your partner in it? In my scripted on-screen partner? No, no, off-screen on the show. Off-screen behind the scenes of the show. That was played by Pia Miranda.

Pia Miranda? That's a real person. It is. I was trying to give you... That's why that's in my mind. We can get sued now, I think. You're just saying things that you've seen now. Yeah, that's what this show is, isn't it?

Just to call out things. Nouns. The little noun-noun show. Is Promises the soap with the wee little doll? Is that a thing? Is there a reel? That's a thing, isn't it? It starts with P.

Can we introduce Passions? Passions. Also, long overdue return to the show. You know her from the film Any Questions for Ben. Sorry, Any Promises for Ben. And also the ABC panel show Spicks and Promises. Welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Felicity Ward.

Felicity Promises. Felicity Promises. Passions, yeah. That's true. Big fan of passions. Really? Because I used to get a lot of people tell me I look like the freaky little doll. That hurts. Yeah. I've never seen it. It really hurts. A little bit. His name is Timmy and he was a doll that would come to life.

There was a local witch. Played by David Quirk. Played by David Quirk. A lot of supernatural elements on that show. Less dramatic role. And my favourite being that one of the nurses that looked after someone that was ill was an orangutan. Right.

Yeah. That sounds like a plausible storyline, doesn't it? Yeah. That was overshadowed. That wasn't the weirdest bit of the show. Everyone remembers the doll. Like, that's par for the course. And Princess Diana.

That one of the characters was, like, good mates with Princess Diana. And she would have, like, flashes of her all the time. And Princess Diana would come to her in dreams and, like, tell her what she thought. It was pretty inappropriate. And it wasn't that long after Diana died. But then it must have been, like, when they do relationship stuff. And it would just be, like, someone breaking relationship stuff and it'd just be like someone breaking up or whatever to be like, nah, bring back the orangutan

nurse. She gives a shit about people's relationships when this is going on. There was one year, I've done a bit of research on passions I was going to do some stand up on it but I just chose not to. I want to bring it to the B brigade. Welcome home Felicity.

No but there was a year where like 11 people got raped and they called it the year of the rape like their fans called it the year

of the rape oh on the show yeah yeah oh okay not off screen not like Pia Miranda I'm still sorry

I mentioned her name I'll be honest I was just spending the last few minutes thinking about it but um 11 rapes in one season

yeah it was like 7 to 11 it was like seven to 11. I can't think of the exact number. I reckon they would have met their quota. Yeah, I reckon there'd be a cut-off. That's a shame. The next year, say, if five people got raped, that's not even the year of the rape.

That's disappointing, isn't it? They're like, meh. It's just ongoing. Yeah, so that's one a month and then a month off. Yeah. So, you know, and was it the one guy or was it just? No, no, it was a series of them. And I think some guys got raped as well.

Okay. Wow. It was a pretty progressive show, really. Yeah, it wasn't discriminative. Yeah. No sexist rapists on that show. Wow. Yeah, at what point, when you're doing 11 in a year,

at what number has it sort of become hack? When the orangutan comes in. I reckon four. Four's like that's plenty. Yeah, like the writer's table. When they're working it out and someone comes in with number nine, you go, we've had eight already. You want – and then they end up with like five more.

Or they just started and then they couldn't stop. They're like, after this one,'ll write this rape in and then after that actually kind of a bit like actual rapists. Is it like comedy? It's just non-stop callbacks. I'm pretty sorry that I brought this up. Sorry guys.

It's not an opener, is it? Felicity Ward, I'll say this because this ties in nicely with last week's episode. Last week we had on the show, we had Tommy Little, we had Carl Woodbury making his debut on our little podcast and he talked about his girlfriend Adelaide a lot on this show. Sorry, he talked about his... His girlfriend, her name is Adelaide.

Right, I thought that was clearly a typo. No, no, a girl, not the city. He's just in love with the city of Adelaide. I didn't mesh a podcast with an outlet. See, I know this man. Carl Google Maps Chandler. Adelaide. Adelaide.

That's the name of his girlfriend. So he talked about it quite a lot last week. And we kind of made these sort of discussions about what a remarkable name that is. And we probably went a bit too far. But anyway, then it came out because because carl woodbury was very happy with being on the show he's excited and he told his girlfriend to listen as soon as it got uploaded and so she listened and not to know that she was going to be the focus of the whole podcast and then so that same day carl then went to a gig that night where

felicity ward was the mc yes and then I believe the question you started asking the crowd, you go, what's a deal breaker in a relationship? What's a deal breaker? Yes. And then you happened upon not knowing upon this girl, Adelaide, who went, my deal breaker is jerks. What does that mean? Arseholes that talk about me on a podcast.

Yeah, that was that you could have cut the tension with a knife. Wow. It was like the audience were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is real. Yeah. And then I make a joke. audience were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is real. And then I make a joke. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's still real. And Carl's like, come on, babe.

And she's not buying it for a second. Was he really? He was like, yeah, oh, sorry. Oh, yeah, she's not very happy. It was like, yeah, she's not very happy. She's pissed off. It would have been great if you then could have just played the episode in its entirety and everyone at the gig sits there and just listens.

Yeah, yeah. Might have picked up a few new listeners. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because Carl got in touch with me after Carl Woodbury, just because we've got to make the distinction, after that episode went up. And I'll put like a – when I upload the episode, like just a little description.

I'll pick out three kind of random little topics and just put them in the description. And one of the descriptions was rooting Adelaide. And so he texted me and said, hey, man, can you take that description out and put something else there because she's listened and she's a little bit upset. She thought we were hanging shit on her. I'm like, to be clear, you just want the text removed

from whatever it is, the meta tag of the episode. You're fine with the actual content. Just those words being attached to it is what. He of the episode you find with the actual content just those words being attached to it is what he likes the movie he doesn't like the trailer yeah okay yeah i get it yeah yeah he just doesn't want any print because there wouldn't be many people scrolling through episodes looking for stuff whereas you can if you just find it in written form that's bad i guess yeah well if you saw rooting adelaide you're like totally gonna listen to that yeah yeah i don't know what it is, but I'm into it. He's just trying to bring our podcast down.

That's what you're saying. Except now you won't think that. No, now. Anyone who's listened to this podcast or last week's will now think about two different things. If you do see Rooting Adelaide, turn off is what we're saying. Yeah. I imagine that now there's going to be, during this next following week, there's going to be a similar discussion happening at a gig with Pia Miranda,

thanks to Quirk's comments. I feel bad it's like it's going to get back to her. I don't know why I just checked my watch there. Good to see one of the guests checking the time nine minutes into the episode. To be honest, we do upload this podcast straight to the Looking for Ella Brandy forum every week, so it won't be missed. Really weird. And the lesser-known website Garage Days.

Ella Brandy. That's what she's known for, isn't it? Yeah, but it was a big break. I looked it up. I was like, why do I know this girl's face? I was on the set for this thing, yeah. Anyway, I won't carry on. What a true actor just on the set for this thing.

It's not even just a big deal, just this thing. This thing I'm doing. I wish you said babe at the end of it. Looking for Alla Brandy 2, still looking. Is that what you were acting on today? That's what we were shooting, where I played a retarded heartthrob. How do you feel about the word retarded? You've done it a couple of times.

I get it from these guys. How old are you? I actually don't like the word retarded. I've got no problem with the term retarded as a term. Very big if you do. But it is not okay to say it the way I've said it. Just to get a laugh out of it. Well, I didn't even say to get a laugh.

I said it lazily. Yeah, we didn't laugh, but that doesn't mean that you didn't try. I didn't expect it to get a huge laugh, I'll be honest. It's the same with gay. Don't say gay. Oh, man. I can hear the sound of Pia in the future just throwing her iPod across the room at this discussion. I can hear our ratings going down and we don't even have ratings.

I know. No, Flick, thanks for bringing that to my attention. She's absolutely right. Just calling it. Just saying. I don't have a burning passion for the word. I think that's why I brought it up because it seemed incongruous. Can I say something quickly that's got to do with this maybe?

On the weekend. On the weekend, I went to Doncaster Shopping Centre, Clang, and we parked in there, me and my girlfriend. As we came out, I noticed a car starting to come out of its car park. Then we sort of walked past and we hear this God almighty crash and turned around. And the car, the car had heaps of room, but it somehow almost come out at right angles to smash into a pillar. And it was pretty dramatic and it looked pretty full on and it was a big noise. And I sort of looked at it and just looked at it and then just sort of started laughing. I went, that's pretty funny because no one was hurt or anything. It was just a big car and I sort of looked at it and just looked at it and then just sort of started laughing. I went, that's pretty funny

because no one was hurt or anything. It was just a big car crash. That's funny. They'd made such an effort to crash their car as well. I was like, that's amazing. They had so much room.

It was hard to do. Yeah, it was actually quite a feat to crash their car. And I started laughing and then my girlfriend was like, don't laugh. And I'm like, why?

No one was hurt. And she goes, yeah, but look, you know why they did it. And I'm like why no it was her whatever and and she goes yeah but look you know why they did it and i'm like why and she points at the sign they're in a handicapped space i'm like well that's why they've crashed and i'm like they're not mentally handicapped they're like physically like what is what difference does that make you know what i mean to laugh you've told me you told me this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you backed right away from the whole genre of anything.

No, I can't remember. I'm actually listening to it today and I'm going, you probably still should not laugh though. They're handicapped. But I like the idea that... How about don't laugh because they've been in a car accident? Can we just pull back on whether they have a physical or a mental handicap?

They crashed their bumper. That's all. That's okay. Sure. If you go ahead and say that forever on Radio Go. No, but I think you could, you know, I can see how something might seem so ridiculous, whether if it's a gentle car crash that you were like, I can see I might have made him laugh. Yeah. But we're talking

about what's right or wrong here. Is this where we want the podcast to go? Because I can talk about... We've discussed this. This is the new podcast. This is the... If one thing is going to lead to another, and Felicity, it's interesting she pulled me up on that because she probably was going for her life and this is, I'm always trying to learn about what I'm

about and you know what, the truth is, when I said heartthrob, I thought people are going to think you're a wanker if you say just heartthrob throw retard in there yeah that's actually probably what i thought okay yeah i want to dumb it all down because people probably do think i get anything i'm some sort of fucking can i swear well you've said retard i said probably worse that swear word retard but it does make me think about something i was going to talk about on this podcast today and that is what i had to do in Sydney last week which is

about what's right and wrong what's appropriate and I told you I had to do this thing dressed in a KKK outfit yeah

and do this thing you mean rally TP he is single ladies it was just me

and you're still wearing sort of white-ish KKK outfits is this still part of the uniform now the white t-shirt yeah it's sort of like you're trying to wean yourself out of it yeah it's just a and he and Miranda in KKK outfits. Is this still part of the uniform now?

The white t-shirt? It's sort of like you're trying to wean yourself out of it. It's just a relic. Are the mismatched stripy socks, are that part of the KKK regalia as well? Well, that's what I was going to tell you. I took these from work. They were the ones that you give to customers when they try shoes on.

Did you really? I've got so much time for you, David Quirk. I really do. So theft is okay. Yeah. We've got to much time for you, David Quirk. I really do. That's great. So theft is okay. Yeah. Yeah. We've got to choose our battles here. As long as you don't steal stuff from handicapped people,

is that something? Take that out of it. As before, take that element out of it. I'm just trying to find where you are. I've got some very blurry lines, Carl Chan. We're learning that. We all do. So back to you dressed as a KKK member.

Talk me through White Surprise. I'm not a member. If I may, just quickly, I'm more interested in what circumstances have led you to stealing socks that have been on custard strangers' feet. We've got time. Multiple strangers' feet.

Because they're very good quality socks and my years of working retail, I've never once done this in all the shopping I've done in my life. The shoes I've bought, I've never once walked in either wearing thongs or no shoes. And so you ask to borrow socks to try the shoes. I've never had to do it for whatever reason. I'm not above these people that might be getting around in thongs. But I don't need to do it.

So I'll say, they'll come in wearing thongs. Can I try these on, these shoes? And I'll say, sure, I'll wearing thongs, and they're like, can I try these on, these shoes? And I'll say, sure, I'll go and get them. Then I look at the fact that I've got no socks, and I say, would you like socks with those? Which I think is weird. Do you have to open a packet, or are they ready to go? Well, originally you have to open a packet,

and then you're not just going to keep opening brand new socks for people. So you hope they don't stink like crazy. So the one thing you've got... These have no doubt been worn by someone, definitely. Okay. The respect has gone back down. Yeah, you're disgusting. That's what I meant to say.

Not only are you a klepto, you're a stinky klepto. What is it about these dirty used socks that made you think, I've got to have them? They're odd as well. They're good quality. No, they're really nice quality. I'm not asking that. They're good quality.

No, they're really nice quality. I'm not asking that. I'm asking why are you beyond just buying a pair of socks? Why did you have to steal mismatched socks? I didn't have to. That's not what it's about. Why did you do it then? Why did you? Because I saw them there.

I thought, I'm not going to be working here for much longer. What was the good part of it? Because they're mismatched. They're filthy. They don't stink. They're not filthy. You're breaking the law by grabbing them. So where's the good bit?

Do we need to pass a hat around for you? Okay, I justified it because I thought they were used already. They're already out of their packet. Technically, we can't sell these now. So I did still steal them from the shop. I took them. Stealing's too strong a word. Can I ask something?

Do you still work there? Yes. Do they listen to this podcast? That's all I do in the shop. That's why they're doing such bad business that they employ someone like Quirk to work there. I've been there for so long that I would sort of expect it.

And it's my boss. My boss. This sounds like the kind of shit Quirk would pull. I didn't tell anyone that I did this, right, from the shop. And then one night, about a week later, I was out wearing them with my boss, Mapstone. Oh, just flaunting them in front of the very boss that you stole them from.

I decided as if he's going to put two and two together. Were you wearing them on your hands just to really rub it into him? No, Carl. I was not. I'd call him steely and thefty. And someone said where'd you get those socks they're kind of cool because maybe odd socks are cool with some people that new trend yeah yeah and so i'm wearing odd socks someone right in front of my boss says where'd you get those socks and i just went and i looked at my looked around how do i

answer this because he knows the stock that he knows the stock well in the shop. And he just went, he would have taken them from work and then just moved on. It was as simple as that. There was no trouble. Is this part of your campaign to become like, because you work at a clothing store, obviously. Is this part of a campaign to become like some kind of

Hamburglar type mascot of the skate store? The sock burglar. There we go. Are you the... The sock burglar. There we go. Are you the Winona Ryder of shops? Yeah. When she stole stuff? I do. Because you stole stuff.

She bounced back. You don't need to be the Winona Ryder of shops. You're just Winona Ryder. Yeah. Just Winona Ryder. Yeah. She's gone now. You can be her.

Did I say Winona? So far, just in the stories you've told, it seems like you're getting a lot of wear out of these stolen socks. Do you own other stocks? Yes. Was it Laundry Day? You know what? I don't have a good real reason for it.

That's it. I'm still trying to work out. I'm still just trying to get a motive for this. I think I'd wanted to buy these brand of socks for like $25. That's sad because I get nearly 50% off. And I still didn't buy them. But even half of that, even $12.50, that seems like a lot for a pair of socks.

$12.50? Yeah. They're good quality socks. I've bought so many crappy socks. When you buy a good pair, it is a treat. I bought some from Uniqlo about two years ago. Every time I put them on, massage for my feet, it's heaven. Do you know why I put them on today?

Because I got up very early and I thought one thing I'll do is look after my feet today. That's beautiful. You won't look after your employer. I'll look after my feet with some dirty socks that I stole that have been on countless other feet. They're looking a little bit tinny-less. The look that you gave me, Quirk, as I bit tinea-less. I better look after my feet. The look that you gave me, Quirk, as I said, that was just one of like, you poor man.

You will never understand. Yeah, I did. You will never understand what it's like to be me. You don't know about footwear. Do you go to use op shops? I don't reckon you do, Carl. You've never worn it in a second hand. I used to, yeah, for sure.

I used to. I don't anymore. I think they've been picked over a little bit. And I certainly don't go there for socks. No, and I would recommend underwear. That's true. I actually have bought underwear from a secondhand shop. Really?

But it was ornamental only, in that it was a pair of hilarious 1960s blue undies that was sort of sheer and had this matching top. Incidentally, I ended up wearing them later. Seriously. So I just backpedal through that. That's the end of that story. I don't use op shops, not from any kind of –

I've never found a thing in an op shop that's kind of fit me properly and felt right. You know, like everything I try on there just always feels a bit quite, you know, a little bit too, oh, this was someone else's. Because it's sort of, you know what I mean? It's stretched out to fit someone else's body or whatever. This top is from a garage sale. Oh, yeah?

I've actually got a killer cowboy shirt that's obviously a little boy's shirt because I'm quite small framed. And I've had it since I was 17. Still killing it. Still killing it. They used to be great op shops. I used to go all the time.

But then it got to a period where that retro thing sort of kicked in. Yeah. Then that was it. Still killing it. They used to be great op shops. I used to go all the time, but then it got to a period where that retro thing sort of kicked in. Then that was it. And then you started getting hipsters working there and they would grab everything good that came in first. Because there's those, there's like Retro Star in the city. There's those like cool ones that exclusively sell the good stuff that they just cherry pick.

So when you go now, it's just shit. Just go to small towns. Small towns have amazing, amazing handjobs. Slim pickings, though. At those ones now. But I went to school. One of my sort of mentors, an English teacher of mine, quite a brilliant man.

Well, he's stealing socks, so I don't think he did a very good job. Yeah, he failed. I'm not saying he did well. He didn't teach you in fashion, did he? What was he teaching you? No, this is his theory, though. Was this teacher Danny Ocean? Who's that?

The Ocean's Eleven. I don't know what that means. Someone listening to this enjoyed that. The great movie when 11 people came in to a sock store in Vegas. You know that? I'm not having a very good podcast. It was set in a sock shop. He used to say that he thought everyone should only get one change of clothes.

Or one or two changes of clothes, and that's all you need. And in a weird way, he's kind of right. So what, you alternate every second day you wear one set and then the other day you wear... What about when it's really cold? Yeah, I guess you need to... Or really hot. There are exceptions to the rule. Bikini, change of clothes...

There's nothing but exceptions to the rule. No, but he's... There's no rule. Are you sure he didn't say you should only get one set of clothes and then steal another? Is that... He said steal socks. Maybe he was trying to teach you about like a three strikes you're out rule.

So it's like just steal two and then leave it because then the third one, that's when you get put away. It just makes me think. If I go back to what my teachers wore, I would never take fashion advice from them. No, no, no. Especially my year seven English teacher, Mr. Atwood, who wore very short shorts and one day put his leg up on a chair. Oh, boy.

Yeah. And that's happened twice. The old accidental biology class. That's right. Turn into sports. I see a ball. That's right Turn into sports I see a ball

And then My year 6 teacher Accidentally came in With his fly undone And red undies And just marbles Pouring out of it Oh boy

Yeah It was gross But he bullied me So it was fine How did he Was the two connected No It was two different schools

I was just lucky Right You're doing a tour That's right What did you get bullied Nut bush Why did you get bullied? Nut bush Why did you get bullied? Because he was a bad teacher

Because I was smart And I was really annoying And so I used to put my hand up all the time And he didn't like being shown up And so he bullied me And he made me cry all the time Wow But when I was 17 or 18

I got really drunk And it was Melbourne Cup Day And I was hammered down at the local RSL and he came up to me and we were talking and I won't say his name and then we're talking for ages and I was holding up my appearance, you know, just being the good student and then he walked up and went, see you, you fat cunt. Wow.

See, drinking is good for you sometimes. That's the dream isn't it That's the dream To see a teacher In the There's man There's a I had a geography teacher Who was just the worst

Person in the world And yeah I have fantasies About seeing the real world I might have said this On the show before I don't know But what's it called

When you're in a dream And you're aware That you're in a dream Yeah you've told this about Yeah your principal Your teacher or something Yeah yeah What's it called Do you know what that dream and you're aware that you're in a dream? Yeah, you've told this about your principal, your teacher or something? Yeah, yeah. What's it called? Do you know what that's called?

I don't know, but I knew that it was lucid dreaming. It's a sign of intelligence. Well, it can't be that. There are exceptions to the rule again. I remember having it for a week. I honestly had it for about a week in grade three and I used to find my teacher in my dream and then go, get fucked, and then wake up and go,

that was pretty good. Still got it, Chandler, still got it. Now you're going to have a dream where you see a car with a handicap sticker bash into a pole and then you look and it's him driving. Yay, shit. Now, David Quirk, I think we, well, we haven't gotten to the bottom of anything,

read the socks. No, I'm not proud of anything. Just the bottom of his feet. Yay! High five him. Don't high five that. That was horrible, sorry. Let's get back to what we digressed from.

Yes, we will. Now let's get to the bottom of why you were dressed as a Klansman. This is just a complete shame-based podcast for me today. The less embarrassing story, dressing as a KKK member. Now, did you steal the robe from the KKK? At least I was told and paid to do that.

Is there a poor naked racist out there right at the moment because you've stolen the robe off his back? Naked racist? That was a... Phil Nichols show. Oh, man.

So you're in showbiz. You're wearing a... You're in a show. So there you are. You're in a TV show in Sydney. Did I have a show in Sydney? No, I'm trying to paint the scenes if you're incapable of speaking at the moment.

Yeah, I am. You're in a TV show. You're being paid to play a role where you're wearing a Ku Klux Klan member's outfit. Full regalia, yeah. You're in, what, Sydney Harbour? Darling Harbour in Sydney. That doesn't even sound like a real thing that got filmed.

That sounds like, you know, when you sit around and you go, would you do this on TV for this much money? And it's like, Quirk's just gone, yeah, we'll see about that. That's almost what it was, really. It got to a point where I sort of, because a man, a massive, it's late in the day, I was already questioning this whole thing, but I thought, well, I've got the courage, if nothing else, to do this. I will do it, all right? Whether that's right or wrong uh is that feel free that's for the

courts to decide yeah call in um so let me know but it wasn't till a massive african-american man with like a two-month-old baby in his hands in front of his family and hundreds of other people dining on at darling harbour dying uh no dining emotionally dying yeah i was one of other people dining at Darling Harbour. Dying? No, dining. Emotionally dying? Yeah, I was one of these people, emotionally dying for sure. Can I stop you for one second and ask? I've got a microphone, you don't need to point yours towards me. The floor recognised Felicity Ward, yes.

Do you know what the name of the restaurant was that you were standing outside? Because I worked in Darling Harbour and I worked in an outdoor restaurant. Whitey's. No. Honky Tonk? It was right near the... Was it near home? It was right near the Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, which is probably new, I think.

That means nothing to me. I listen to some of these tunes, which doesn't help my case. The city side or the opposite of the other side of the water? Okay, not me. Opposite flick. As you were, I apologise. Can you edit that out? I'd just like to know what you were hoping to get out of that.

I was painting the picture for myself. I'm like, I could have been a waiter. I was racist in a couple of restaurants around here. Maybe we have something in common. It was actually your old boss that was carrying on, yeah. From across the harbour. Hell of a voice. No, and this is a terrible story,

but he was going off for reasons that I thought were fair, actually. I thought he's right to be offended. He was being very aggressive, threatening violence, and the cast and crew were trying to sort of say to him, hey, this is for TV, it's a comedy show. How many cast and crew? It was not huge. to him, hey, you know, this is for TV, it's a comedy show. How many cast and crew? Oh, it was not huge.

It would have been 15 to 20 people. Oh, okay, so that's plenty. No, probably 15, yeah. And just to be accurate, he was going off as in he was getting angry, not in like a 90s carving up a wave, going off kind of thing. No, no, there's nothing friendly or fun about what was happening. Nothing encouraging about what he was yelling at you. Just to be clear, a black man wasn't

happy about a Ku Klux Klan outfit. I just like that you think a crew of 15 isn't that big. Does that not compare to the crew when you worked on Avatar?

What 15-something productions have you worked on, Quirky? When you had the blue outfit on in Avatar. This is either going to be a really

interesting podcast or the worst thing ever. I just think it's turning out pretty good so far. For you, Josh. It's like they're making fun of you and not me. Yeah, you've got off well.

You've got off well, I think. That's how abuse starts, isn't it? But I guess something interesting happened after it cooled down and the guy just left. And apparently he'd already been rude to a member of the – like a waiter or something. So from what I can work out, he was sort of an angry man that was also offended, you know, racially offended.

You didn't help. No, I added a lot of insult to injury. I do like the idea of a guy, because he apparently abused, because we had people from the show, this SBS show that we were shooting, nearby, and they said he just yelled at a waiter if the meal was late or cold or something. I love that idea that he's like, got a late meal and the waiter's like,

oh, why does he have to pick on me? And then a bloke in a kooksack plan outfit walks past and goes, the heat is off this guy. Or if the meal's a little bit late and he just blows up and goes, and then sees the clan outfit and goes, well, this is a shame because I've sort of got nothing left in the tank.

I should have started down here and then built it up a bit. Maybe you were actually just put things in perspective of how angry he was before and then went, oh, hang on. No, that's actually something I should get angry about. On the bright side, maybe he went back and apologised. Did you? You know, the meal wasn't that cold. Did you?

I've just seen what really upsets me. And the meal was excellent, in fact. Did you also deliver a late meal to this man as well? Yeah. No. Of fried chicken and watermelon? Oh, no. Or did you actually pull the tablecloth off his table to wear?

Is that why he was annoyed at you? I'll tell you what was ridiculous. You remember how that outfit looks. It's got a very pointy hat. Oh, we all remember, yeah. SBS had to buy it. We remember the good old days, sure. I come from a very pointy hat. Oh, we all remember, yeah. SBS had to buy it. We remember the good old days, sure. I come from a country town, I remember.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what it's like growing up down there. That's when you visited last week, yeah. That was the mayor's robe. Apparently SBS felt bad buying it even. So there was, no one was... Oh, wow.

No one even wanted to sort of touch this thing and I'm the one that agreed to wear it. When it comes to... It's just so good that it's SBS as well. When it comes to tax time, they're trying to get... I don't care if my boss hears about the socks, but I hope this doesn't go back to

SBS. To Mr SBS. I'm just glad you dropped the network name. Should I not? No, that's fine. As if Carl's going to go, no, yeah, you shouldn't have. What's great about this is that... Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. Maybe just because he got beeped. Not at all.

Him coming out and seeing all this, I like that you can't even go, it's not what it looks like. It's just a dude wearing a clan robe. But there would be a satirical twist in it. Well, yeah, I haven't seen this. We hope. Yeah, I certainly hope. No, but you do hope.

It's out of context. Even when it goes to air, I'm concerned how it's going to be. Were you just being super racist and then at the end of the scene you're walking away going, well, I'll probably put a joke in the end there somewhere? Something that I think we should mention. I went in in good faith is what I did. Just a big hashtag irony down the bottom of the screen. Something that we should say for context that I don't know we've been very explicit about

yet is that this is filming for a comedy sketch program. Of course. I just had to do a run through in my head because I don't think anyone ever actually said that it was for a sketch program. And we were trying to explain that to that man, but he had no time for hearing any of that and I don't blame him in a way. It's funny. Don't you get it?

Yeah. Exactly. So I didn't know it was right or wrong. I'm right and very privileged. I never have to go through what you're going through. How come you can't see it from my point of view? How tall are you to having rocks thrown at you? Because you could be in the sketch if you want.

There was actually some weird stuff that I thought was very questionable. I feel the pain of your people. I once got told off at a skate park for not ollieing properly. I know what it's like, man. I tapped him on the chest. Yeah. But I did want to sort of say to him, hey man, I'm with you, but then I'm wearing these outfits so that's not really going to fly.

It's really hard. It's really hard to convey that. This is a... It's like hearing a woman wearing a white ribbon at the same time. Yes. I don't know if there's a... I listen to many of your people's rhythm and blues music. I feel like we're getting into very shaky territory. Can I ask you this? I don't know if there's a very delicate way to ask this.

Was this crew of 15, this tiny minuscule crew of 15 people, was there... It was just me. I'll be honest. I flew up there for the day. There was no crew. What was the general... I've be honest. I flew up there for the day. There was no crew. What was the general... I've had the outfit for years. Was this sort of, would you say, an ethnically diverse crew?

Well, yes, absolutely. Was it or was it just 15 white people? The guy who showed it is Muslim and he has dark skin and he was worried that the guy was going to lose his mind at him and abuse him for being blacked up. Right. Oh, wow. Really?

He was worried about that. Because the guy was... I can't underestimate how aggressive this guy was. He was boring about to smash my head in. But I think something I do find a little bit funny is I'm not very good in the sun. And one thing I did like about being in that outfit is that it cuddled me head to toe. And white reflects the sun as well. I didn't need sunscreen. about being in that outfit is that it cathered me head to toe. And white reflects the sun as well.

I didn't need sunscreen. So while I was shooting this, I'm thinking, this might be racist, but at least I'm not getting sunburned. You're an excellent advocate for skincare. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I am. And I'm very white.

It's the hot Australian summer, you know. So you're in the Ku Klux Klan outfit, in there sitting there thinking, this is great, because not only am I wearing this, but it is stopping me from getting black. Is that what you're saying? Oh, my God. Wow.

This is walkout time. That's what you're saying. I had only a walkout time. These are right feelings to have. So did you, because you were enjoying the shade that it was giving you, was there a moment? No, no, but check this out. I just saw at least no one can see my face.

I'm in public. I may as well stay in this outfit In some ironic way I mean it's been designed for that And then he said He's still losing his mind this man While carrying a one month old baby He It's getting younger by the minute

Did I say two at the start? Yeah We're starting to walk you in this story The younger the baby gets So this guy's got Benjamin Button Oh don't No you were in the middle. And he forced me from, you know, 10 metres away.

Can I swear again? Can I act the other man? Sure, please. I wish that you would. He's like, take the fucking hat off. Take it off now. And he was calling me all kinds of names. And so with shame and both hands, I removed the hat, revealing my face,

and I just looked at the ground and then sort of over at him and just kept looking at the ground while the director and other people dealt with him. And because I'm not good in the sun and I was just beating down on me, I picked up the hat without thinking and blocked the sun. Right? So my head, my face was shadowed. I did that for about a minute and a half. Holding it up.

Yeah, just like this. Lion King style. Just straight up. Yeah, just like this. Lion King style, just straight up. And then I realised he's yelling even more to take the hat out of the air and stop holding it up. And I was like, now I just stood there and just got sunburnt and I'm just like, this is a bad situation. So that is how it went down.

And then they left. Him and his family left. I assume they had a great holiday. And is this the, do you appear in any other sketches in this program? No, but I do play another character. So that's a yes then.

No, no, it's the same sketch. I play two different characters in one sketch. Oh, okay, right. Sort of,

very diverse. Eddie Murphy style, ironically. Like between problems and promises. Like the three great P shows. Passions, problems and promises. Like the three great P shows. Passions, problems, promises. Racist. Yeah.

So no, it was terrible. And I don't know how to sort of feel about it. And I sort of hope. I hope this experience helped to shed some light. I think you'll look back on it. We've actually had this conversation before. Probably the same way I looked back on – I was in a sketch show many years ago

and it was about the same time as John Howard's Tampa incident. Maybe it was a little bit after that actually and we were going to do a sketch on a washing product, a washing power product that was going to be called White Power. Right. And it was a satirical look at the howard government somehow that got lost and the person who was selling white power did it in a ku klux klan outfit and when i look back on it i don't know how much satire there actually is rather than just mining white supremacy for a joke. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And I appreciate you telling me that. Yeah. It's, I don't know, it's weird though. It's weird to sort of, why do we do things? Because we want to pay rent. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's why it was a bit like a dare. It may as well have been a dare. Someone had said, will you run around Darling Harbour? Literally, at one point I was on a scooter. So that, I suppose, is meant to generate laughs. Is this for that new show? Is this for that new show, Hypotheticals,

where every sketch is just, starts with a dare? Like, what would you play on TV for 4,000 bucks? And then when they get you to agree to something then they write a sketch based around that. That's actually not a bad idea for a show. Write this down. Patent. It's on the internet.

We've time stamped it. But not just anyone, like actors though, to see what actors will personally do. No, that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hypotheticals. Well, we'll get off this hotbed of racism for a minute. Yeah, it was very heavy.

Let's all breathe out. Very top heavy. But similar, in terms of what you do for money, I got a request last week, an email request siphoned through, let's say my manager, let's say that that's what they do. When did this happen? You share the same one. So let's say they exist.

And anyway, so I got an email. It's nice to meet you. I got an email and it was, I'd be interested to see What you guys would do with this It was a request To come and do A comedy gig At someone's 30th birthday

I'm in already Can we just say Tell me it's on a boat with strippers Yeah what if we play this game What if we just If At an interval If you would just do it

With that information You put your hand up So I'm already in I don't care what comes next Right Are you really? I'm in yeah Comedy on the. So I'm already in. I don't care what comes next. Right. Are you really? I'm in. Yeah.

Call me on the 30th. I'm in. I'll do it. Wow. So that was kind of me with this phone call. I got a phone call about the KKK thing. They did still go as far as telling me about KKK. There'll be a sheet.

I agree to that. But we're going to cut it into a rope. Oh, fuck. So I'm an idiot, but carry on. So I'm in already. You shouldn't do what you're doing is what I'm saying. Yeah. It's a racist 30th birthday party.

So anyway. So it's a 30th birthday party. It's in someone's backyard. Oh, man. There's like 20 people. Oh. Will you do it? I can't believe I did this. How much money?

Well, that's the thing. So that was just the request. And they said, take it away. Go back and say what money or whatever. And I'm sort of like, it's like on a Saturday night, I'm like, this sounds bad. There's a lot of alarm bells ringing, surely. I would never do it. You would never do it?

Yeah. Well, that's what I'm interested in hearing because what about you, David? 20 people. 20 people. At a backyard 30th. Yeah. On a Saturday. And you're doing 10 minutes.

I hadn't got to the amount yet. Do you get to dictate the amount? Of money? Yeah. I think it was supposed to be a thing where I would go back and say, well, I would do it for this much money. But I just looked at it and went, 30th birthday party in a backyard. To me, and this kind of sounds weird or maybe this sounds embarrassing for me,

but when you see that, all I thought of was I think this might be a trap. Is that a bad thing for your career where you get a request for a gig and you go, this might be bad. I might turn up and everyone – it might be like one of these prank phone calls. I might just get there. I think Ashton Kutcher's onto you. Yeah. It just didn't sound right that anyone would request me for a backyard of 20 people.

Because that was going to be my next question. This is – they want you specifically. Yes. They haven't just gone on to the management and gone, who have you got? Yeah. So, well, so then. And how well do you know them, if at all? Not at all.

Not at all. We're talking about my management, right? Oh, so your management have come to you and said. But what if it was someone he did know really well and they've still gone through his management instead of just calling you up? Sorry, I'd forgotten the management part. The management number is like higher up in their phone book on their phone. They're going all the way down to C.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because I've let my website lapse, if you Google me, the first thing that comes up is the management. So that's what comes through. So that's how they've contacted me. So it's gone through Attention Channel Channel, blah, blah, blah, and gone through like that. So I just got really scared and I actually didn't do it in the end

because I just went – I just let it go all week. But did you – so do you know, like, how do they – are they listeners of the show? I don't know, but that's why I thought I'd bring it up. Big Twitter followers maybe. I never found out. I think you should have just at least tried it on to see how much you could get.

Yeah, I know. If for no other reason, then at least this story would have an ending where it's not just I got asked to do this and I said no to it. But I thought I'd put it out there because I didn't know whether someone that listens to the show has done it or whether it was going to be a trap or not. I do feel like there is a fine line between, like when you start doing comedy and you'll say yes to absolutely anything

and then you have your first thing where you go, you know what? Actually. This won't be worth it. That will be bad. I'm not going to do this. I did a bar mitzvah when I'd been doing stand-up for about five months. I remember that story, yeah. Five months in.

Wow. But I think my thing that happened to me last week is real good evidence of me still going through that and going, oh, I've got to see a script first. I've got to find out details. I need to hear details and then make an informed decision. But I'm surprised you didn't – but I'm really annoyed at myself hearing that story about you, Kyle, because I – Because he has ethics.

No, no, no. Because you didn't think of that for your 30th year. That's nothing ethical about that. It's more common sense is what that is. That could just be a disaster. Whereas Ku Klux Klan, no common sense comes into it. But I still have enough of that thing where I think like, this sounds awful but I'll do it because it'll be a great story

for something just in general. And then it always ends up that you're just there and you're like, this is just shit. There's no story here. This is just a bad night of my life. Definitely. And that's what I thought. I thought this would be a good story, but then it's like,

it was so far away and it just reeked of one of those gigs where it's like, yeah, just come out and you can do a little bit of comedy and we'll give you a few snags and, you know, this will be all right. Maybe you can pick the first couple of tunes on the jukebox. So how long is it too late to, what if we pitch, what if we pitch doing a live podcast to them for the 30th? For their 31st.

So this has been and gone? It just happened on the weekend. Oh, Devo. I wonder who they did get. I was going to bring it. I actually got – I had the request last podcast, but I couldn't get it into the podcast last week. I was going to bring it up and see whether I should do it,

but I let it go and I just got too scared. We should find out about these people and do a live podcast for their birthday. If they don't listen to the show, even better. But how long would you have to do? Like even ten minutes. Like it's hard giving a speech at a party and keeping people's attention, let alone, you know, unless you're a stripper. And what are you expected to do?

I always thought it would be weird, those things that you hear people doing, gigs like that, where it's like, for that intimate a thing, for you to just get up and do your really general, ah, so I'm on the phone to my mum the other day. Do you know what I mean? I don't care about your mum. Talk about Robbo.

Oh, well, there was a gig like this because, you know, I've actually done like a birthday gig like this before and it was like really bad. And what it was, a friend of the show, Nick Cody, I believe he's been on once or twice, there was a request for him to do this birthday gig and he needed another person to perform with him.

Oh, yeah. Was it a mate of his? It was a mate of his, wasn't it? I don't think it was. I don't think it was at all. Wasn't there someone he knows who wanted you to do the gig but as your character? No, no, no. It was him wanting to do it.

It was Nick wanting me to do that character. Okay. All right. What it was is this guy had requested a gig at his birthday where it was like, I want it to be really offensive. I really like really offensive stuff. I like that stuff. It's really good, you know, whatever.

Cody, you're in. Yeah, yeah. So he thought of Cody first. I want my birthday to be shit house. Yeah, whatever. Cody, you're in. Yeah, yeah. So Cody, so I thought of Cody first. I want my birthday to be shit house. Yeah, yeah. Cody, bring him in. Yeah, yeah. I want my birthday to be in the papers.

David Quirk, can you get your normal outfit on and get down here? Oh, the Klansman's robe. Are you back from Sydney? I'm in the wash, but I've got me Hitler gear just sitting there. Yeah, I'll do it. Is there any footwear I can steal there? So that's your voice. One of the great quirk impressions.

I've gone. I was trying to say science that they think I'm... No, carry on. So we went there and I do my little character. I do a character called Gary Chuggs, very offensive and whatever. So that's all well and good. But we get there and of course what turns out to happen

is that the guy whose party it is, he's like, I love offensive stuff. Great. Oh, this will work out well. We get there. There's 99 is he's like i love offensive stuff great oh this will work out well we get there there's a 99 other people that don't like offensive stuff there's guys there's people with kids there's children there's grandmothers there everyone that's not in everyone else is not into it at all there's one guy we get up and do the gig this horribly lit gig no one is into it you can see this one guy like the birthday guy just going yeah yeah yeah and like trying to laugh extra loud to try and get his grandmother into it into the

gig it's sort of a bit like the emperor's new clothes like they should all just be laughing with him because it's his birthday oh and then there's one kid up the back that has the confidence to go this guy's shit out yeah yeah yeah And I'm doing this offensive material that's ironic and going, ha, ha, yeah. And then me getting off stage and having to get changed out of my outfit in the toilets and other people being in there using the bathroom and me going, hey, that wasn't really, I don't do that. Holding up a sign during the gig that says hashtag irony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not actually me and people not understanding. Well, of course that's you. That was you on stage. I saw what you just did. You're the worst. No one else came out of this bathroom, mate. Yeah.

It's you. My grandparents are crying now. That was you that did that. My children are scarred for life. Yeah, yeah. So birthday gigs. Yeah. I mean, I'd love to see you, David Quigley.

Have you ever done any like corporate-y sort of stuff? Because the surroundings are the surroundings are that you know you do a comedy club there's there's that context that anything could happen people just talk about whatever you're there for a good time gigs can go badly like that birthday gig where it's just a surprise comedy set where people are just there to have cake not there to have someone screaming well and also the same with corporate the thing with corporate gigs that people talk about a lot is that at a gig people have paid to come along Whereas a corporate event is put on by the company

The employees are sort of forced to go You are interrupting their drinking You're interrupting, yeah At the very least I mean they've got to hang out with people from work who they hate But at the very least they'll get some free beers Which you are interrupting I did one at the end of last year

And it was fine to an extent Except I came out and there was a huge dance floor which no one was standing on they couldn't because there was a giant mechanical bull on it and then the rest of the participants of this christmas party were standing behind that so i what i got was the mechanical bull on or in use it was just purely ornamental that was for later on it makes sense that was on that That was on your rider, Miss Fussy. The mechanical ball must be switched off during Miss Ward's gig. And in the middle of the room.

I came out and there was a massive Mexican set. And the first thing I said was, I dare say there's going to be some cultural insensitivity committed today. And I asked for what the tone of the day was. And the description was, it's going to get messy. That's what they wrote back. I'm like, well, I don't need to worry about swearing then. Oh, man.

Yeah. And it went okay though? It was, I stayed on stage for the allotted time. Yeah, yeah. I think that's what. Survival. I'm sure you did well, Fleek. I was glad I got you for my Mexican theme 30th.

It was a great day. We're wondering if we do it. One question I want to ask you guys is what amount, if you heard it's the 30th, it's this weekend, there's going to be about 20 people there, it was a great day i you know we're wondering if we do it no one question i want to ask you guys is what amount if you heard oh it's the 30th it's this weekend there's gonna be about 20 people that's a backyard and we all say no right we all collectively go that's wrong but what amount of money i would wonder would make us do it you'd probably none i'm guessing none but yeah maybe and maybe you're right but that's the thing i i'm sad to say like if someone said five thousand dollars yeah i'd do I'd probably do my time. Yeah, I'd do it for you.

And that's sad. No, it's not. $5,000 for a night of your life when you're going to stand there and not get laughs for 10 minutes. What if they harvest your organs, which is what he was worried about? Is that worth $5,000? What if they're body snatchers? That's right.

But that's the weird thing with the internet. I can't help. I was paranoid. I was looking at the request going, well, anyone could have made up that email account. You know? That is a bit – I mean, if it's a personal thing like someone's going to someone's house for their birthday, that's weird to have – you want to at least have a phone chat or meet them at a bar.

You bring someone with you too. Yeah. It's like a stripper. You need your pimp next to you. I needed a big man in a white outfit maybe to accompany me with. You start your gig bursting out of a birthday cake. If you had to pick someone to come with you, who would you pick? Out of comedians. Let's say exclusively that people will know from this show,

who would you pick? Who would I pick? Well, who's the best fighter that we've had on the podcast? Probably me. You? Physically, I'm pretty intimidated. I think you'd want Breen. I think you'd want Harley Breen. Harley Breen, of course. Yeah, you'd want him along that we've had on the podcast? You? Physically, I'm pretty intimidated. I think you'd want Breen. I think you'd want Harley Breen.

Harley Breen, of course. Yeah, you'd want him along with you. And you know what? He would love to come along because that's not in his house. Yeah. So he would come. That's also really mean things about Harley Breen because he doesn't listen. Danny's about, it's a joke about men bored, a stereotype about men being bored with their...

It's not a stereotype. It's a fact because he likes to be out of the house. No, no, but, you know, I'm just being silly. You're just trying to wreck the podcast. Yeah, I know. Edit that out. Do you need a hug quick? No, I'm just still...

I'm feeling bad about the retard comment. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, there's one way to feel better about it is bring it up again. No, we explored and we exploded it and we got to the bottom of it. I think about things too hard. I just wanted to say something about the...

Please, you have the floor. Put it down. Just don't say the R word again, please. Feeling bad about... Remember that one flick for our management got our crew to do... Is that the one at Albert Park? Yeah, who was it? It was Hewlett Packard.

You love clanging your name. Notice how when I mentioned the corporate that I didn't say who it was for. Why would I care though? The fact that you've done it twice on this show now where you've specifically named him and then immediately felt guilty yet you still dove into the Hewlett-Packard pool. I don't feel any guilt about Hewlett-Packard. I feel some guilt. Not even guilt.

Some hesitation. Yeah, about maybe I shouldn't have said SBS. Or say it again. SBS. Not even guilt. Some hesitation. Yeah, about maybe I shouldn't have said SBS. Or say it again. SBS. SBS, BS, BS, BS. Yeah, just say it so much that the words lose all meaning. So there I was

doing this little gig for Hewlett-Packard computers and it was terrible for me. Was it terrible? Yeah, for me it was. I remember everyone did well but me and that doesn't surprise me. I it terrible? Yeah, for me it was. I remember everyone did well but me and that doesn't surprise me.

I thought it went quite well considering it's now the screensaver on all their computers and I bought one recently. I thought it came out quite well. That's one of the reasons... Saying this is what death looks like. It's a quirk virus is what it is.

I didn't think you... No, I remember looking at it and everyone looked like... It was executives as well It was like a high end corporate gig And it was my last one And also my first And I remember every man

And it was mostly men and they all looked like my brother I was like oh my god I'm playing To 180 of my brother Were you having an existential crisis A little bit But was it worth it at the end for the free bubble jet that you got? The biggest laugh I got because I knew they were in computing is I said, I read a text message which I got about two hours prior

and it was from my boss at the skate shop. I stole the socks off him. And he said to me that day, he knew I was doing the gig and he said, and I read this out to them, this made them laugh, the men. They laughed, the men. Hang on, you're checking your phone. You've still got this text message? No, I don't.

But it said this. I'm just remembering. It's reliving. I'm a messed up actor. And I said, you're my audience right now. And it said, good luck tonight. If you could grab us some toner for my printer, that would be great. And they liked that? And they really loved that. They really loved that. Good luck tonight. If you could grab us some toner for my printer, that would be great.

And they really love that. They really love that. See, sometimes when you, like if you, for want of a better word, if you pander to a crowd, if you give them their professional whatever and they love that, then that's kind of like you've dug yourself into a hole because unless you've then got 30 minutes of printer-based jokes, then suddenly it's like, no, I don't care about what happened in the milk bar. Give us more of that gear. That's a comedy word in that realm because it's like chicken or ninja or pirate,

stuff like that, or granny. It's like in computers, you just bust out a bit of toner. It's like, bang, easy. It's like hack in comedy computing world. You pull out A4, you've got nowhere to go. Yeah. I don't know what he was doing for the previous three minutes, but he brought that toner word out.

Sweet cartridge joke. He's good, this guy. A weekly thing that I tend to talk about on the show is people that have my phone number. Uh-huh, yep. People that have been ringing me or calling me or texting me because of Tommy gave out my number on the show quite a while ago

well hey a new development I guess just based on what we've been talking about if you've got a birthday coming up you need that special entertainment you know what don't let's get the managers out of this let's get the middle men out let's not give over that 15%

you've got his number let's go right down there. Well, that's what it's been like lately. I've sort of explained on Weeks Gone By where it used to be just sort of abuse and late night calls. I'm still getting a bit of that. And then it turned into people getting into town and going, oh, have you got any gigs on?

It's like, oh, sweet. It's sort of like direct access to if you've got gigs going on or what's dumb dumb about this week, where are we going to be doing it or whatever. Yeah. And you mentioned before that you've got no web presence. Your website is down. So this is like the only way people can get in touch with you. Well, so it's gone that way.

It's gone from a little bit of praise to abuse to, you know, where are your gigs? Literally just one person asking. Yeah. And now it's gone to now, the last couple of weeks I've had people visiting Melbourne and just hitting me up and going, hey, I'm at Flinders Street Station. Where do I go to get to the public library from here?

So now I'm just the information service. There's nothing to do with comedy or the show or anything. Yeah, yeah, I'm just a bureau. I'm just an info. So you don't like people like texting you late at night, like at 11 o'clock like last night, like asking if you want to go on a radio show the next day. You can ask to go on a radio show.

What's that like? I'm doing Nova after this. Yeah, something like that. That's so funny to me doing that. Like that's the laziest person in the world that's got a smartphone there and is still thinking. It's like the people going to your management instead of going to you. It's like, I could open Safari on my iPhone like a fucking idiot

or I can just send a text to. Who's going to know more about the streets of Melbourne? Google or Chandler? That's Chandler.com. Do you think they're doing it deliberately? Maybe they must be, surely. No, I think that was an accidental request. Yeah. That's Chandler.com. Do you think they're doing it deliberately just to, you know, maybe they must be, surely. No, I think that was an accidental request. Yeah, I'd believe that.

And are you like, do you respond? Are you helpful? Yeah, I did. Okay. Let me ask you this. When someone gets into Melbourne and they are asking what to do, what's the trans man's hot tip? What's the first thing you've given out to them?

First thing to do in Melbourne? Yeah. Okay. I'll put myself into the brain of what I was in grade four when I used to come to Melbourne on the bus. City camp. When you used to do city camp. Urban camp.

Urban camp. Straight to Swanston Street, Mackers. Oh, Swanston Street? Maybe. No, no, Bourke Street. That would have been crazy. I sort of just knew Bourke Street. So I'd go to the Bourke Street Mall.

I'd go to Myers, go to the lolly department in Myers, go to McDonald's there. And this is pre-Maryborough having a McDonald's, wasn't it? Oh, very. Yeah, that is a long amount of time. So they're being a Maccas and a Red Rooster next to each other must have just been like, what sort of fantasy land is this? Where else do you want to go?

You get the bus into Spencer Street Station, get the tram up. Spencer Street. Oh, man. It was the 80s. Now we're talking. Take me back into Spencer Street Station, get the tram up. Spencer Street. Oh, man. It was the 80s. Now we're talking. Take it back. Spencer Street. So I like that this is the advice you'd give a person now.

Go and hang out at Burke Street. Go to McDonald's. Is there a Plaster Funhouse you can send them to as well? Maybe get out of the grade four brain. No, why? So you guys did have Plaster Funhouse down here then? Yeah. Yeah, awesome.

I think it might even still be around. It's in Geelong. So awesome. I think it's in Geelong. There was a photo the other day that my cousins put up on Facebook and they're younger and they were at a Plaster Funhouse. I'm like, oh, my God. And the only thing I ever painted there was like a black cartoon dog

and my sister dared me to paint its balls pink. I did. It's still funny. Great. I used to get annoyed by those because I'd get the ones that you can do at home as well, the rubber moulds that you pour the plaster into. And I always used to get really – and this was a big thing, I imagine, for a lot of kids where on the box the examples

of like someone else has made this plaster model would just be painted exquisitely. It would look like something you'd see in a store and you'd look at the box and go, I can do that. That's what mine's going to look like. And then you start painting yours and it just looks like absolute shit. And I always remember being so frustrated, like, why can't I get it to look like it does on the fucking box?

It's preparing you for life though, Tommy. I guess it's a good lesson. It's a hard lesson, but it's a good one. Yeah. Another little bit of info I got this week. Remember the episode a while back when we went to America? We went to Chandler, Arizona. Yes, I saw this.

Yeah, I had a little interview with the guy that worked at the Chandler gift store. Very good job of covering up that you didn't know his name. Excellent work. I don't know his name. Yeah, it's fine. Yep. But he messaged me to say there was friends of the show, I believe, that came into

the store and said hello. You guys are everywhere. Yeah, it's a lovely burb of Chandler, Arizona. Yeah, which is a big effort. Very nice town. Is it? It's a very nice town. I went in sort of wanting to hate it because I thought this would be great if it's a true shithole.

Because you really don't like friends? Sure. It's a 90s joke. Anyone? Even I got that one. It's a beautiful little town. Very lovely little spot there. It's a scruffy little burg of Chandler.

I just wanted to say that. Because he was sort of funny on our show and whatever. Yeah. And I've since gone into a bit of correspondence where he just continues to call me Cal every time he emails me, so that's good. How come? Because apparently my name sounds like Cal or Kyle in America. Yeah, yeah. No, good point.

I was talking to a Canadian person the other day, and I mentioned you or Comedy Nights, and I had to really over-enunciate the R in Carl. Yeah, it's good stuff. I love that. Quirk, David Quirk. I was going to say, I've got a very funny surname too. That's a stage name though. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I feel bad about saying David Quirk and I shouldn't have said that that was your name. I feel bad now. I should have left that out. Yeah, don't say that in public. SBS's, Pia Miranda's, Hewlett Packard's, David. Promises. Promises. I think it's left me, when you do these things, I feel exposed.

I've exposed myself. It's very raw, isn't it? It's a vulnerable experience. Just really honest. You wouldn't think that. Very exposed. It feels like Felicity's painted your balls pink. That's what it feels like. Forever.

And I'm seeing Felicity's picture of the balls painted pink, and I can't get mine to look quite that same pink. And I'm furious. A lot of people have had that experience, Tommy. A lot of people. That was your drinking days, yeah? Yeah, that's right. Well, guys, that's just about all the time we have left for today

on the Little Dum Dum Club. Felicity Wood, you are not doing a new show for the festival season this year. I'm going to America on Tuesday. What? Moving to Chandler, Arizona. Moving to Chandler, Arizona. Yeah, that's probably what I'm going to do. Make friends jokes all day.

Yeah, go check in with our old mate. That'd be good. What are you doing in America? I'm going to go and do pilot season. I probably could have brought that up earlier. Sorry, guys. I thought everyone knew. Yeah, no.

Thanks for keeping to yourself, Quirk. I know. We spent 15 minutes talking about how a bloke has stolen a sock and we've got this juice sitting next to us. God damn it. And I went for an ad call back this morning. It's been big. Sorry, the white supremacy in the socks and the crashing the car, they seemed pivotal conversations.

You're right. I stand by everything we did today. Me too. I stand by them in really comfortable stolen socks. Yeah. Well, coming up soon, you'll be able to see Felicity Ward in the Entourage movie. Hopefully, I guess. I'm doing Hedgehog one-off at the Comedy Festival.

Oh, okay. Doing a one-off of my show last year and filming it. And it's in a big venue, so please buy tickets. Great. Come and see Felicity before she's Turtle's sister. David Quirt, you've got a new show coming up at Adelaide, I believe you're there the same week as me? Yeah, Adelaide and Melbourne and a little bit of Sydney.

Great. Go check that out. We've got our Brisbane shows happening very, very soon in a couple of weeks, so come check that out. We've got our solo shows and we've got the live Dum Dum Club on the Saturday. I'm going to be in Adelaide for the last two weeks of the festival and then we've both got our own shows in Melbourne

and the live Dum Dum Club's happening every Monday night. People in Melbourne, the Melbourne Comedy Festival website is up now, so please check out all the friends of the show. There's a lot of people that come down, a lot of interstate listeners that come down for weekends and stuff and want to come down and see us and everyone involved in the Show. There's a lot of people that come down, a lot of interstate listeners that come down for weekends and stuff and want to come down and see us and everyone involved in the show. So, yeah, have a good look at that. We should talk to the festival about setting aside a Friend of the Show section.

If you could put that in. What about a Friend of the Show bag? Oh! How good would that be? What's your name? Oh! I hate myself. I hate myself.

I'm Neil's mate. I'm furious. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.