The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 13 - Lehmo

Episode Date: January 18, 2011

Freddie Mercury, The Constabulary and Stolen Cars. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates. Welcome to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, mate. How you doing today? I'm all right. You all right? Yeah. Just all right?

I'm more than all right. I'm busy, but I'm in a positive frame of mind. Stop bragging. Right. You should be better than all right, because we've got an exceptional guest here today. You may know him from Before the Game or Breakfast Radio on Mix FM. It's Lima. Lima. Yeah.

Here he is. How's that? Long time listener, first time guest. You are. You are. You were telling me you were listening to the show at the gym, which I find a weird place to listen to the show. I was pumping iron.

I was getting inspired by your chat. You were talking to Tom Ballard about something gay that he went to. That doesn't sound like Ballard. And I was pumping iron, and you were pushing me to the next level. Inspiring you to get to a state where you won't end up as losers like us. Yeah, I must improve myself. I've got to admit, you're a long-time radio broadcaster. This is the most kind of professional, even as I'm saying this to you,

you're fiddling with the volume on your headphones because it's not high enough. I'm really feeling the pressure, to be honest. Seriously, don't feel any pressure. There's no great people say, you've been doing radio for years, you must be some sort of talented storyteller or fucking something, and it's not that at all. It's just that there's been no one better to do the job

while I've been doing it. And as soon as someone better has come along, I've been fired. And that was HG and Roy, a nod to them. Did they listen to the podcast? Oh, we don't know. Is it Roy and HG or HG and Roy? Yeah, we were having this debate, but it's Roy and HG. It is Roy and HG. Are you sure? HG and Roy and nod to them. Do they listen to the podcast? Oh, we don't know. Is it Roy and HG or HG and Roy?

Yeah, we're having this debate. It's Roy and HG. It is Roy and HG. Are you sure? HG and Roy. No, I'm sure. I'm certain. Yeah, that doesn't sound right.

Yeah. I don't know if they listen. I mean, that's what I found out is a good way of finding out if people listen. If we just name drop them and then if you never hear anything from them about it,

it's pretty certain that they don't listen. There have been people who have said to me, oh, you listen all the time and then I talk about them. And I'm like, did you like the new episode? And they're like, yeah, no, it's good.

No mention of that you came up? All right. Should we do a test then? Should we mention a bunch of comedians? Hey, Oprah. And then see, God, I love that Chris Rock. Yeah, he's pretty good. Hang on, my phone's ringing.

Oh, who's that? I think it's Chris Rock. Well, your phone could actually be ringing because your phone's gone off twice over the show now. Yeah, but I'm sure Limo will teach me something about professionalism. Are you on silent today? I actually am. For once in your damn life? Yeah.

We're not going to hear the dogs are barking or the church bells are ringing? No, I'm a good boy today. Something I did want to bring up to you that happened over the weekend. The three of us were at our friend and friend of the show, Danny McGinley. Yes. Another person who claims to listen all the time, so this will be a test of whether he is legit in what he claims. Yeah, you dickhead.

That'll be the test. I started playing a game that you are a big fan of, Carl, a game by the name of Three Bullets, a situation that you're in where you say if you've got three bullets to take out people at this party or whatever it is, who it would be. Don't push this under me. It is your favourite game. Even though it's true, don't push it under me.

I played a variation of that. My girlfriend was there and we, you know, that classic, when there's food going around at something where you've had like a chicken skewer and then you're left with the skewer. Yeah skewer yeah absolutely holding on to it like it's really annoying yeah so we we both had a skewer and i was saying if you had to skewer one person in the party who would it be and we were talking about that and my i was leaning towards picking someone who i didn't know who was quite old anyway that's who i would have done and she yes it's a soft it's the soft answer given that i bought it up and then i. That's a soft joke. It's the soft answer.

Given that I brought it up and then I've just really pussed out. That's the gutless way of playing the screw in the eyeball game. You choose someone youthful and successful in 2020 vision. I'd choose Adam Spencer if he was there. Because I figure how much worse can it get? Just get him right in a placebo. Maybe I could even them up. Yeah.

Well, then this is the thing, because everyone was looking around the party, and she didn't know anyone there. So I'm like, this is a weird game for you to be that involved in. And she goes, no, I'm just trying to work out who at this party would look best with an eye patch, which I thought was a good way of playing it. But then we were telling that to Carl five minutes later, and I said jokingly to you, I'm like, you'd look quite good with an eye patch. And then you, without any hesitation, went, yeah,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I reckon I would. And I just kind of let it go. And then I was in the car, and I was like, what does he mean by that? How do you think about that a lot? You know why? You know why? Because I did a gig, and I can name names.

I did a gig in Bendigo, and I had had a good gig and I drove home with Jeff Green. And Jeff Green, friend of the show, he's not. He should be. He probably... He's a friend of the show. He's a friend of the show. He's a friend of the show. He's a friend of us.

He's a friend of us. I spoke to him. He said he feels close to the show. Right, good. He's a friend of us. I'm going to have to guess that he's never listened. He's an acquaintance of the show. He's an acquaintance of the show.

He listens all the time. Yeah, right. Does he really? He does. He loves it. No, he doesn't. to have to guess that he's never listened. He's an acquaintance of the show. He's an acquaintance of the show. He listens all the time. Does he really? He does. He loves it. No, he doesn't. Stop being a smartass. He does not. He does.

He's even ranked his favourite dum-dum. Oh, really? He's at his house. He has a whiteboard and he's ranked. He's played two bullets. He's ranked his favourite dum-dums. So anyway, I was driving back with him, and I'd had a good one. And it's one of those things where you're waiting to hear the old,

gee, you did well tonight. Geez, you're good, aren't you? And I'm like, yep. So I had the good go tonight. And he was like, you know what you need on stage? You need a cape. That's going to put me into the upper echelon of stand-up. It'll certainly separate you from the pack.

It's a point of difference. Well, it's, you know, it'll get those people that weren't listening to me before go, who's that guy that could possibly fly up there? I'd better listen to him. Yeah, my dad's a big one for point of difference. Well, anyway, so that led me on to go, I'm like, cape, cape, that's bull. As if I'm going to wear it. And then I went, hang on, eye patch though.

I think that could, that could work. Yeah. What about an eyeatch and a cape? Because that would sort of point to you being able to fly and not regret it. Some sort of super pirate. Or you'd fly in circles. That'd be great. I'd be into it if you

got a fake eyepatch and it'd go well with my fake name. It'd be like two dickheads once changed. I love that he said Jeff Green actually I, was there that the night this happened, right? Now, this story goes back 13 years. Wow. We were at a comedy club in London called Up the Creek, and we finished the gig,

and there was myself, Matthew Hardy, Melbourne comedian. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. He loves it. I'm his number one. Him and Jeff Green are good mates, and they do the ranking of the show. Friend of the show. He loves it. Omni's number one. Him and Jeff Green are good mates, and they do the ranking of the Dumb Dumb Podcast together. Yeah. And Jeff Green, we did this gig, and then we went back to the club owner's house.

His name was Malcolm Hardy, bit of a comedy legend in the UK. Anyway, I had one of my best mates with me, Justin Hall, and he was sitting around. Now, Hallie didn't really say anything because there was comedians everywhere, and know comedians are like when they're getting drunk it's like it's a lot of chatter a lot of jokes etc so my mate holly was sitting there very quiet through most of the night when all of a sudden out of nowhere malcolm hardy turns to my mate and goes oi you look like he goes around and he goes oi you look like you should have a hair lip. Which we still bring up to my mate, Hawley, which he loves. His mate said nothing all night.

And the only time someone's addressed him, he said, you look like you should have a hair lip. Was it like you physically look to me weird without a hair lip? Or did he mean like your face would look better with a hair lip? Who knows? This is Malcolm Hardy. On this particular night, he was famous for getting his balls out on stage, massive balls, like genuinely had huge balls. And this particular night on stage, he emceed,

and he had a poster of Jarvis Cocker, and he poked a hole through the mouth, and from behind, he'd stuck his cock through Jarvis Cocker's mouth and just stood on stage with his cock hanging out through Jarvis Cocker's mouth and just said, well, someone had to do it. So pretty highfalutin, high concept sort of stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, I did my first ever open mic spot at that particular club. He gave me the best introduction I've ever had.

You did your first ever gig in London? No, at that particular club. Oh, right, right. Yeah. I hadn't done many gigs before I went to London, but I was doing an open mic spot on a Sunday night, and they were notoriously tough, and Malcolm used to emcee it every week,

and he didn't give a fuck about any of the acts. So this is his introduction for me, as he's looking at a bit of paper. Well, this next act, never heard of him. He's probably fucking shit. Let's find out. Didn't say my name. Didn't say welcome.

Nothing. That'd be great. He's probably fucking shit. Let's find out. That's an awesome stage name. Didn't say welcome. Nothing. That'd be great. He's probably fucking shit. Let's find out. That's an awesome stage name. He's probably shit. Let's find out. Let's find out.

And I went up and it was all right. This is the same guy. He walked out of the toilets one night at that particular club and he had cocaine over half of his face. And Matthew Hardy, Matthew Hardy says to him, he goes, Malcolm, you've got cocaine on your face there. And Malcolm goes, shut up. I've got a fucking reputation to protect.

And then just walked off into the room. Didn't even make no effort to clean it off at all. This guy sounds like a fucking hero. Is he dead? He is, he is. He drowned in the Thames. He used to live on the Thames and fell, he drowned in the Thames. He used to live on the Thames and fell off his boat into the Thames. True story.

It's a really sad story. It happened a few years ago. But he's written a book, if you want to find out more. Since then? Yeah, well, yeah, since then. He is a legend. He did it with John Edwards. It was a collaboration.

He's written a book called I Stole Freddie Mercury's Birthday Cake. Right. Which is a hilarious book, but that is one particular story where he was performing at Freddie Mercury's birthday and him and the troupe, they used to do this thing, you might remember them from Hey Hey, him and two other guys would nude up and hold balloons in front of each other's private parts and to music they'd shift.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. The balloons. Malcolm Hardy was one of those guys. Oh, right. So they'd move the balloons so you'd never see their cocks or anything. And it was this really funny routine. And that was the routine they were set to perform at Freddie Mercury's birthday party. And while they were backstage, they flogged his birthday cake.

Wow. Yeah. But it's great. There's loads of great stories. He stole a front-hand loader and drove it into a magician's act at the Edinburgh Fringe one year. It was in a tent. He didn't like the guy, so he just drove a fucking front-end car. While the show was on?

While the show was on, yeah. Oh, wow. That would have looked to the audience like the most amazing magic trick of all time, surely. I would now, yeah, forget Siegfried and Roy. He was making tractors of people. Pull a tractor out of this wall. So he's, yeah, an absolute legend.

But that's a great book if you want to learn a bit more about the great man. I stole Freddie Mercury's birthday cake. Why are we plugging it? It's only going to his widow anyway. Speaking of Freddie Mercury, I was driving past Crown Casino the other day and they've got a Freddie Mercury tribute show, one of those tribute acts coming up. I was with my girlfriend and it reminded me of my friend telling me this guy that she knows is this gay guy who's got red hair and he was telling this group of people about how he has AIDS

and he brings up how he got AIDS. He goes, funny story about how I got AIDS. Freddie Mercury came down to Sydney and let's just say he has a thing for redheads, which is such a weird way to like boast about having. So his boast. Who was he telling this story to? Just a friend of mine. Right.

I've been sitting here. So his boast is that he got AIDS from Freddie Mercury. So we drive past and we see the... I don't like the prefix. Funny little story about the way I'm terminally ill. According to her, that's the direct quote of, like, how he... And I love being a bit cryptic about it, too, like using the art of, you know, not just going,

I fucked Freddie Mercury and I got AIDS, but going, let's just say he has a thing for redheads. That's like such a weird thing. You're right, it's a weird thing to brag about. It's like getting shot by 50 Cent. But on your deathbed going, let's just say 50 Cent has a little thing for the gun. Yeah, yeah. There's no other way that story could have worked.

So why even, like I got an STD from a guy with AIDS. Let's just say how I got it was, no, I'll stop you there. We know. Yeah, yeah. We fucked you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So anyway, so we drove past Crown and there's the ad for this Freddie Mercury tribute show and it reminded me of it.

So I told my girlfriend that story. And she goes, oh, does Freddie Mercury have AIDS? I'm like, well, he did until he died of it. She goes, oh, is he dead? I'm like, yes, very much so. And she goes, oh, didn't he get done for, like, touching kids or whatever? And I'm like, not that I'm aware of. And she goes, oh, no, I'm thinking of someone else.

Who's that? These are exact words. She goes, oh, what's it? Stardust, sunshine. And I'm like, what, Gary Glitter? She goes, yeah, Gary Glitter. I'm like, I don't know how you would confuse the two of them, but it did make me laugh when she said sunshine.

I thought she was going to go, what, you've confused Freddie Mercury with Sunshine Johnson. Friend of the show. Friend of the show from Maryborough. That's nice. I think gay people like that straight people sometimes make the connection between pedophiles and gay people. I think that's one of their favourite things.

Yeah. I just love that connection. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you make us as fucking dodgy as possible? I actually couldn't remember what Gary Glitter looked like, so I Google imaged him after that, and he doesn't look how I expected him to look.

Yeah. He changed a lot over the years. He had a few different looks. Really? Yeah, because kids in Thailand have got good memories, so you've really got to change your look to fit in there. Anyone got any more AIDS gear? Anyone? Any more AIDS gear?

Well, a friend of mine's off to South Africa later this year, and I said to him... They love it over there. Wear a fucking condom, man, because... Can we swear on this podcast? Yeah, yeah, sure. Are you one of those people claiming to listen, but who doesn't actually listen?

I'm sure people have sworn. In fact, I'm sure someone said cunt on a recent podcast. I think that was this week. Was that just then? That was just then. The debut C-bomb. Yeah, yeah. I think that was this week. Was that just then? Yeah. That was just then. The debut C-bomb. Yeah, nice.

Yeah. Look, Bridget might be into that in the mornings, but we want to keep that down a bit. Officially breaking my contract, too, I believe. Oh, really? Really? It's worth it, though. Well, I'm sure if they asked, they wouldn't mind.

Speaking of gay events, because Tom was telling you... Because we weren't with the AIDS and everything. And Freddie Mercury. Yeah. Well, that's a gay thing, isn't it? Yeah. Freddie Mercury. Yeah, the AIDS thing.

Do straight people get it? Well, yeah. Oh, they do? Yeah. Stop it. Shut up. Are you trying to get fired from your company? We'll send them the tape if you want.

No, no, no, please. you want. All right. Please. Send it to Joy FM. Jesus. I get on the glittering. Where's the dump button in here? The dump dump. I'll be a phone topic on glitter and tonic next week on Joy FM.

Hashtag limo homophobe. I'm getting on Twitter right now. I was just to establish my gay credentials. I went to Midsommar yesterday, the gay and lesbian festival at Birrung Bar. Yep. And there were a lot of gay people there. At a gay festival. As it turns out.

But what I loved is that Ted Bailey was meant to open it. Right. But he didn't turn up. He said the mental health minister. Open it up. Because he was doing flood stuff. Right. But he didn't turn up. He sent the mental health minister to open it up because he was doing flood stuff. Right. Yeah. Wow.

So he sent another minister. But it's okay. Ruby Rose was there as well. Oh, great. Just to balance it off. Did she go? Ruby Rose? Yeah. We're just going to play this game all episode just to name people.

Is he gay? So what happens? Is it like music and stuff? There was music. There was some kind of drag queens on stages introducing some acts. Oh yeah, how'd you go? You know my favourite drag

queen? No, drag queen's not the right word. Like Tranny, my favourite Tranny is the dude who just chucks on a dress and makes no effort. So it's like, doesn't do the hairs, like a three-day growth, no waxing or shaving anywhere. It's just a dude in a dress. It's like he's just remembered on the way in there,

he's like, fuck, that's what I meant to do, and he's just had to go in a Super A and just buy something on the way. Even the boys on the footy show go to more trouble than that. Hey, so, Limo, you've just recently gotten back from overseas. I have indeed, yes. You took a trip to, I believe it was Las Vegas. Las Vegas, yeah. I was there with a friend of the show, Justin Hamilton.

Previous guest, who was just about to leave when we had him in here. Yeah, that's right. And a friend of the show, Will Anderson. Yep. Who, again, another big Dum Dum fan. Shut up. He is. He listens.

Was he actually singing the Cirque du Soleil Dum Dum in L.A.? In Vegas, I mean. No, he saw the Blue Man Group Dum Dum in L.A. And also Human Nature do a Dum Dum side show. Oh, doing the covers. In L.A. The cover show. Hey, mate.

Human Nature have a Motown experience show, they have a Dumb Dumb podcast. So look out for that in Vegas. Will, though, does listen. Does he really? I can tell you that Will does listen to the podcast. And I will say this. Is he aware that we're not as good as his show? Yes, he's very aware of that.

He wasn't aware of that before he listened to it, though, to be fair. He is very aware of that He wasn't aware of that before he listened to it though To be fair He is very aware of that I will say this And it feels slightly odd saying it Knowing that we'll listen to this His ability to take in information Is freakish

If you've never witnessed it This is what Will Anderson can do At the same time And I'm not making any of this up He'll have his laptop out witnessed it. This is what Will Anderson can do at the same time, and I'm not making any of this up, right? He'll have his laptop out and he will have a television show on the laptop, right, that he'll be watching. He'll have a podcast

with an earphone in one ear, right? He'll have a newspaper out to the side that he could be reading and he'll be writing on the laptop. Writing jokes. Wow. It's unbelievable. He consumes more information and media.

That's how little he was interested in listening to the dum-dum. So hang on. I've brought up that you're in Vegas with Will and Justin and also Tom Gleeson. He was there. Yes. And so far the only thing that you've told me about being in Vegas is that Will was listening to the Little Dum Dum Club. Yeah, that's right.

While he was playing roulette and getting a lap dance. His ability to multitask. And seeing Wayne Newton. No, Carrot Top, it was. Did you actually go and see Carrot Top? No. Was there any shit kind of washed up old stuff over there? Amazing Jonathan?

You know, I don't want to say Amazing Jonathan's there. He's on a permanent list. When I was there, I was there last year and it was like the best of

Hey Hey before it came back because there was Amazing Jonathan, there was Rita Rudner, there was John Black, no, that wasn't him. Dickie Knee's doing a run. The Music Men?

They should have had a show over there. Dickie Knee's doing a run. The Music Men? They should have had a show over there. Dickie Knee's working with Siegfried and Roy. They poke the tigers with Dickie Knee. So I went to Vegas with Will Anderson and Justin Hamilton, and we met Tom Gleeson. He flew in on New Year's Day. So we hired a car in LA and we drove.

And we thought we'd drive because, you know, that romantic notion of driving from LA to Vegas. Doing the road trip. How long is the drive? Well, four hours, allegedly. Right. If there's no traffic. So it's like Albury to Melbourne.

Okay. Pretty much. About four hours. We took us seven hours to get there because there's quite a lot of traffic coming into New Year's. Is this like New Year's Eve or something? No, it was the 30th. Oh, right, yeah. It was still pretty busy, though.

Anyway, we just crossed the border into Nevada. So that's not far from Vegas. And police sirens behind us. We're thinking, oh, right, this is not good. So we pull over and we're shitting ourselves, you know, what's happened. Cop comes up and we're checking the car for everything. We're throwing fucking drugs and hookers out the windows. We don't know what's going to happen.

Cop comes up and Will's driving at the time. He goes, yeah, what's up, officer? But really banging on the Aussie accent because we're going to get some sympathy somewhere. So hang on, officer. What have we done, mate? And he goes, oh, your car's not registered. Well, it's a hire car, so we show him all the details. And this is his reaction.

He goes, those hire car people are hopeless. Anyway, have a good trip. That was it. So we drive off in an unregistered car. No penalty, nothing. Just have a good trip. See you later. He's like, oh, we can't book Yuzi.

Exactly. So anyway, we get brought over by the cops. They let us go. We get into Vegas, and then the first night we did, oh, we walked downstairs, and Justin and I were like, how long do you reckon it'll take before Will gets noticed? Yeah. In Vegas, right? So I don't know, maybe, you know, hopefully, you know, we get a free run tonight and whatever.

We get downstairs. We started playing at Hollywood. We get downstairs. We walk into the bar, well, this one bar area. I go to order a drink. Before I've ordered the drink, five young blokes, five of them. Yes. Hey, Will, Will, can we get a photo?

Will! Will! So these five young blokes gather around, and they're all getting photos taken with Will. So they didn't even order a drink before Will got noticed. Five blokes, too. Yeah. Could have been five chicks.

Yeah. No, five blokes. No. No. Yeah. So we had the first night, and that was kind of fun. But the second night was the big night. This is where we were going to the New Year's Eve party.

P. Diddy's New Year's Eve party at LAX, huge nightclub in Vegas. We turn up, but we've got like a private booth, right? So we get there, New Year's Eve, it's about 8.30 or something, huge line, okay, to get in. We walk to the front, we find our man there, our contact. He goes, right, I've got your private booth, but there are eight seats in the booth and there's only three of you. He goes, why don't you go and find five other people? We're like, right, I've got your private booth, but there are eight seats in the booth and there's only three of you. He goes, why don't you go and find five other people?

And we're like, ah, whatever. He goes, seriously, if you find five people, it's free for them to get in. Why don't you just go and get five girls? He goes, seriously, walk into the casino and find the five hottest girls you can. I love that you guys are still holding out, I don't know. Go and get some women right now. The dorkiest version of Entourage. The worst episode ever.

This guy's instructing us to get chicks. Like, he feels really bad for us. And we're like, no, no. I mean, we were all picturing. We were imagining ourselves at midnight, just myself, Justin, and Will, standing around in a little circle, just the three of us, kind of holding out our hands and shaking hands and going, oh, yeah, happy New Year's, dude. oh, yeah, happy New Year's, dude.

Oh, yeah, happy New Year's, man. So anyway, we go, oh, no, he can't be bothered, you know, because we're not neat. Justin, Will and myself, none of us are really, you know, you've got those sort of chick-chasing smooth mates. None of us are really that guy, right? So we're kind of, oh, no, he can't be bothered, right? So we go into the club.

They show us into our area. And we sit down. We have two waitresses, two of the hottest girls I've ever seen in my life, who are wearing these burlesque kind of corsets, kind of Moulin Rouge type corsets. Yeah, yeah. And they are smoking hot. And they're super cool.

And they love us because, you know, we're in the VIP thing. So they're being really friendly. They'll learn our names. They're asking us questions about where we're from so they can keep referencing shit through the night. You know, they're like proper professionals. Do you know Hughsy? Yeah. Yeah, we had Cole Barron here last week.

He was really cool. And wow, what a generous tipper. You'll notice whenever in situations like that, people love an opportunity to mention how generous someone else has been with that tipping just to put some pressure on your fucking tip at the end of the night. So we're sitting there and they're getting his drinks and stuff and it's all cool. The rest of the nightclub is packed.

People can't move. It's jammed. We're in this VIP area with this big couch and heaps of room to move. So we're hanging out going, this is great. Just the three of us and our two hot waitresses, you know. That's it. Anyway, this dude in charge of the area, this big black guy called Terrence, comes over.

And he goes, all right, guys, lean in. I'm like, oh, yeah. So he pulls his hand. He's got a hand on Will's shoulder, a hand on my shoulder. Justin's in the middle. The three of us lean in. He goes, all right, boys. Now, I'm not going to Tiger Woods this shit or nothing,

but I'm going to get you some girls, all right? We're like, sweet, dude. What would Tiger Woodzing that situation involve? That would involve, I imagine, getting a lot of girls. Okay. Yeah. Or maybe some hookers. I don't know, right?

But he goes, I'm not going to Tiger Woods this shit or nothing. We weren't exactly sure either what that meant, to be honest with you. To me, I would just think, is he going to fuck all three of us? What would that have meant five years ago, that phrase? I'm not going to smash some girls in the head really hard with golf clubs. So he goes, now I'm going to bring him over. If you like him, great. If you don't like him, here's the signal.

And he shows us, and it's where you kind of brush your hand across the right-hand side of your head, like you're kind of pushing your hair back. Now, the way you're doing that to me now just looks like something that you could very easily just do by accident normally. Do you know what I mean? I guess you could, yeah. But that was kind of the signal to him.

And he goes, if you do that, I'll come over, I'll get rid of the girls, and I'll get you some more girls. And we're like, and all of a sudden, there's no this penny drop. We're like, this is how people live like this. Yeah. This is how, like, rock stars and shit. You're a P. Diddy's party. This is how some people live.

This is what they do. Right? So he goes off, and he brings in these two really hot, cool young girls who were like, I think they were like 22 and 25 or something. Brings them in and Will and Justin start chatting to, you know, sort of one of the girls each. And I'm kind of standing there by myself a bit talking to the waitresses. And this goes, this is about five minutes ago by.

And he comes over and he says, I'm really sorry, man. I'm really sorry. I'm going to go get you some girls. I'll be back in a sec. Okay. Like, it felt really bad that I was going to sit on my own without the girls. So I go, yeah, cool.

So he walks up and he comes back with two girls, introduces, you know, me to the girls. So I'm there with this primary school teacher from North Carolina, a vet from Long Beach. And we're just chatting away. And they were like really cool, kind of sexy chicks. And there we are just hanging out. And for him, I guess it's an easy sell for him because he knows he's going to get a tip for providing the service. Yeah.

And for the girls, they're in a packed nightclub where they've got a lineup for drinks and everything. And he just comes and he says, do you want to stand over there where there's heaps of room and drink for free all night and talk to those guys? Yeah, right. And I guess the girls look at us and go, but the drinks are free. Yeah.

We'll go over there. So they come over. So there's these four girls hanging out with us. We're all really cool and really fun. Sweet odds, bro. Yeah. Sweet odds. Fast forward.

Here's the hilarious end to the night, which is just, just fits beautifully with myself, Justin, and Will, right, is the girl, one of the American girls, the primary school teacher from North Carolina, gets sick at the VIP couch thing, like literally vomit, right? Because Justin had been buying tequila shots because it's the final exam, right? They didn't agree with her. So she's a vomit. So her friend says, sorry, I'm going to have to go because

she's, clearly she's not well. And we're like, yep, no worries, it's cool. So she leaves. The other two girls picked up two dudes in a booth behind us. Yeah. So other two girls picked up two dudes in a booth behind us. What? Yeah.

So who were kind of horning in on the – kind of, I don't know, made eye contact with the girl or whatever. To be honest, we didn't really care, but it was just funny. Will didn't notice because he was watching an episode of Buffy, listening to Hamish and Andy, doing his taxes, getting a pedicure. And reading a book. So these girls kind of nick off to the booth behind us, doing his taxes, getting a pedicure. And reading a book. So these girls kind of nick off to the booth behind us.

So then it's like, and it was still early. It was like 1.30 in the morning. And we're like, just the three of us going, well, it's been a pretty good night. Should we go? Yeah, sure. So then we fix up our bill, and then the three of us just leave and walk out.

You've got to know when to fold them. One to one to one. And the walk home took about half an hour and I was in the best mood I think I've ever been in in my life. You know that kind of mood where you're just bulletproof? Yes. I was saying hello to everyone. I'm high-fiving cops. This sounds not a Lawrence Mooney five minutes away

from shitting your pants in an alleyway kind of mood. No, no. I'm in a super good mood. I'm high-fiving cops and yelling out, I'm making friends with a constabulary. And Will claims I yelled that out about ten times. So we get back to our hotel room, and that was about that for the night. Justin and I stayed up for a while drinking.

And anyway, Gleeson rocked up the next day. Yeah. And we're kind of hanging out. And I'd previously said to Justin about Vegas, which a mate of mine had previously said to me, if a word of warning for Vegas, if it's too easy, they're hookers. It's good advice. Oh. It's good advice.

I think that's good advice pretty much anywhere. Good advice for life. Yeah. Anyway, so Justin and Tom go out on the last night, New Year's Day night. And Justin said they got down to the bottom of the lift, they walked out of the lift, and Justin said the two most beautiful women in the world have just walked straight towards him and Gleeson. And they're like, wow, check this out. We must be looking sharp tonight.

And the girls walk up and go, hey, you guys look like fun. You know, want to hang out? And they're like, yeah, sure. And they go, cool. Why don't we go up to your hotel room? And Justin's like, actually, you know what? Our partners are up there. We can't do that.

So this one girl goes, oh, that's cool. We can just go up to the bathroom or something. And then Justin said in his head, he's going, ah, if it's too easy, they're hookers. They are hookers. At which point they sort of farewelled them and walked off into this bar. And then Justin said it was hilarious. Gleeson had had a few drinks.

And he said two more times later that night, girls have kind of said hello to Gleeson just sort of randomly across the night. And Justin said Gleeson just a little bit too loudly both times turned to Justin and said, I think they're a hooker. I like the idea that you'd carry on that rule of if it's too easy, there are probably hookers everywhere. Like you go to buy something in the supermarket and they're like, oh, that's actually on sale. That's like $15.

You'd be like, oh, get away from me, you hooker. It's too easy. Take your filthy box. Out of my aisle. So the next day we left Vegas to drive back to LA. So there's the four of us in the car. And how's just sad suckers for just any ounce of romance. We hired a Lincoln Escalade because that's the car that Snoop and Chris drive.

Oh, right. And Marlo in The Wire. Yep. Right. So we wanted to gangster it up, you know. So we're in the car. We're driving back. Now, the drive, they say it takes four hours, as I said.

It took us seven hours to get there. The drive back, we left at 11 a.m., arrived in L.A. at 11 p.m. Twelve motherfucking hours. A, the traffic was bad, but B, it snowed. They reckon some of the worst weather they've ever had on that road. So it snowed. So you've got – So is that snow in the desert?

Is that the desert? Yeah. Yeah, right. Snow in the desert. So there's Gleason, Hamilton, Anderson, myself in this car for 12 hours. And you tell people that and they go, oh, that must have been hilarious. Beautiful. The gala.

Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall there. That would have been a bloody laugh a minute. No, no, we realised. Because you were all hungover and... We realised after about two hours, we fucking hated you. And you were in a soft top in the snow, which... No, hard top. Oh, hard top.

Hard top. But this is what happened. So you start off just chatting away, whatever, and then you get to a point where you start playing car games. Now, it starts with Justin coming up with this sort of really high concept games like... Three Bullets. Yeah. You know what it was?

What he did is this was Justin's game. You've got to kill three people that you like and you have to say why, which is hard because you like them. Yeah. Yeah. Right? So you can't just come up with someone that everyone else knows that you don't like. There have got to be people that you like.

So why do you want to kill someone you like? This is what makes the game difficult. Right. Okay. Right. You don't have to say it. Give me a... I'll give an example of one I did.

Okay. Yeah. I'll tell you the name. I said Ben Cousins. Okay. And the reason being is I said I was worried that he might fall back into some sort of drug thing and muddy his legacy. But if he died now, he'd be a legend.

James Dean him. Ah, okay. Kind of James Dean him, yeah. Right. So they mean like as in – That was probably the most sort of altruistic answer of all of them, I've got to say. But there were others like it might be a comedian.

I like him, but he's kind of in the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's blocking someone else's progress So anyway that's where it starts With this sort of game And it was funny of the four of us And I won't say who Some were able to come up with the three very

I reckon I can guess And others amongst us Took a little longer Some of you were Carl Chandler And some of you were Tommy Dasolos. Yeah, right. Did we get any bullets? Can we ask?

No, you guys are safe. You guys are safe. Off the radar, we can't even get killed in this town. The Little Dum Dum Show is safe. The Little Dum Dum Show lives on. So it started there and then it was, you know, kind of evolved into games like if you could be the best athlete in the world at a sport for three years, a sport for two years and a sport for one year,

what would the three sports be and for how many years and what are the reasons? Anyway, this over the course of about six hours descended into me suggesting this game. Let's replace words in a movie title with the word cunt. And we played that for about half an hour, and boy, did we laugh. Anyway, I stole a car once, and this is what happened. This is years ago, and I have told this story on stage during a particular fringe show, and that's the only time I've ever told it on stage during a particular fringe show, and that's the only time I've ever told it on stage,

within the context of that show. And had you stolen all the other material in the show? Yeah, the whole lot. It was a show about theft. Yeah, they stole it from Marty Fields, though, so it's only handling stolen goods. It's not actually stealing it, yeah. So I'm going to bring the story out again for you guys,

probably not Mix FM friendly. Mm-hmm. Car theft. Yeah, a lot of police advertise on Mix FM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So not a good example for the kiddies. But years ago in Adelaide, I lived in a share house with some mates, four of us in the house.

And one Saturday afternoon, I was getting home with a friend who lived in the house as well. And we checked the letterbox for some reason. I don't remember why we'd check it on a Saturday, but we did. And there's a set of keys in there. We thought, oh, that's interesting. So we take the keys out and we walk into the house and we hold the keys up and everyone was there.

Our flatmates were there and there were other people there as well. We had these keys belong to anyone and everyone's looked and gone, no, no, no. All right. So we take them back and put them back in the letterbox. Anyway, we go out that night. We have a cup of drinks and we get home. It's about two in the morning, three in the morning, something like that. It's me and the same guy who I got home with that afternoon.

And we walk in the front door and we get, walk in the front gate. We get to the front door and I pull the keys out of my pocket to go in the house and I turn my mate okay hey that car keys still in the letterbox this is about I'm gonna point out it's nearly 20 years so and he goes well let's have a look so we go to an open up the letterbox and the car key is still there so we pull pull the key out, and we're looking at the key. You can kind of tell from the key what kind of car it is. Right. So we're looking at the key, and I look across the road, and I go, Mitsubishi Colt.

And we walk over, and sure enough, it fucking opens it, right? So I say to my mate, jump in. So I get in the driver's seat. He gets in the passenger's seat, and away we go. Around North Adelaide, right? And it's a suburb where we live. Is that illegal in Adelaide to do that? To drive around North Adelaide.

So we're flying around. We're buzzing around. We do laps of the suburb and all this kind of stuff. It's great. Anyway, at the end, at the top of North Adelaide, there are three cricket overs, big cricket overs, right next to each other. And these all sort of run along the final street of Adelaide, there are three cricket ovals, big cricket ovals right next to each other, and these all sort of run along the final street of the suburb, okay?

So we go up onto this street. We go over the kerb and onto this area where there are three ovals, right? And we do a heap of donuts on one of the ovals. And we leave the car in the middle of a cricket pitch with all four doors open, lights on, engine running, and we just walk off. And we walk home and we're high-fiving each other, how hilarious was that, what a car, right? And we walk home anyway, we get home and we each go to bed.

I'm woken up the next morning by another flatmate in the hallway of the house, this big old house in North Adelaide. He's in the hallway on the phone screaming, it's fucking weird. We've got fucking keys in it. And I'm like, I'm woken up and I'm like, oh, fuck. I was thinking, what am I going to do? And this particular flatmate was a bit unhinged, right,

so I was a little concerned. So I get out of bed and I walk out. His nickname is Forky. And I walk out. His surname is Fork, no, so Forky. Forky. Forky. So I walk out and I'm like, okay.

Fucking more like no key, am I right? Hey. Right there. So I go, Forky, man. And I go, fucking more like no key. Am I right? Hey! Right there. So I go, forky man. I go, what's up? Anyway,

he is a mechanic and his mum had dropped her car out the front for him to service the next week. Right? So I say,

what's up? And he tells me that and I'm like, and he goes, ah, someone's fake. And I said, what's up? And he tells me that. And I'm like, and he goes, ah, someone's fucking. And I said, I'm there going, ah, you're bloody kidding. Ah, so you're fucking, it's probably fucking kids or something, you know. Probably the postie. And I even say, you know what, because the key, was that the key? The key. The key!

The key! They probably checked the letterbox. And this is back before you'd made friends with the constabulary, so you must have been extra scared. Exactly. So I'm doing all this, and he's fucking spewing, right? Then he leaves to go and sort out whatever's going on with the car. So I go into my other mate's room, Mick, who was with me,

and I say mate and i'd tell mick and he's like oh fuck what are we going to do so we made an agreement we said if there's more than 50 damage to the car this is back when 50 was a lot of money said if 50 there's more than 50 damage we'll tell him if there's less than 50 bucks we won't because we knew he was a loose unit and it was would not have ended well so anyway so he comes back to the house afterwards and we go so there's mick and i there and we go so um any any clues on um who might have done it what's the score in the cricket maybe or he says he says yeah the cops have caught him and we're like ah cool man that's great who um who uh flogged the car what had happened is we've left the car

on the cricket pitch right doors open lights on everything else these fucking street kids have seen it after we've left and they're obviously attracted by a car and a cricket pitch with the lights on they've walked over and they're hanging around the car. Cops see it, come in and go, what are you doing? And they say, oh, we just found it here like this. And the cop's like, yeah, right, we're sure. And fucking arrest them. So we're like, okay. So he thought it was them.

Anyway, that happened in 1993. I told that story. Hang on, there's no bit where you own up to it or anything. They just took the rap? They just got the death penalty. That was it. We left it, right? Right.

He takes his car into service, the minimal damage, right? So we didn't say anything. I put that story in a show at the Adelaide Fringe in 2007, wrapped up, right? Still hadn't told him. We bring him to the show, right show and sit him in the crowd, and I make sure we get him in a spot where a spotlight can shine up. We've tested the spot before.

He's got no idea because these mates of mine come to the show every year. So they sit him in a seat, and I tell that story, and then we put the spotlight on him, and he's like, You fucking arsehole. So we waited 14 years to share it with him. And we shared it with him in a packed room at the Rhino Room in Adelaide where it might have been safe. Meanwhile, those street kids got the lethal injection.

A happy end for everyone. They're in a barrel somewhere. We figured they're under 18. What's the worst that can happen? Just another bit of the rap sheet. That's all right. They probably killed someone earlier that night. That's the least of their worries.

Just a little bit of karma. Clearly they've done something wrong. If you're going to steal a car, make sure it belongs to a friend's mum. That's all I'm going to say. So there's two rules that come out of the podcast, that one, and if it's too easy, prostitute. If it's too easy. Yeah, that car was too easy to steal.

It must have been a prostitute. It must have been a prostitute. It must have been a hooker. Yeah. Exactly. Well, guys, that brings us to the end of the hour for another week. Thank you so much to Limo for joining us. Yeah. For coming in.

I hope you've had fun. Absolute pleasure, guys. I've had a ball. Yeah. Well, we'll be back next week with more antics. G'day to everyone who's listening or who claims to listen. Get on iTunes, leave a review, give us some star ratings, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates! Bye-bye! Bye!