The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 130 - Hannah Gadsby

Episode Date: March 19, 2013

Stolen Pineapples, Completed Dancefloors and Underpant Belts. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, it is but one week until the Melbourne International Comedy Festival starts, March the 28th in Melbourne. There is so much stuff to go and see. You can see me every night, 7.15pm at the Forum Theatre doing my show Spread. You can also see... Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. It's at 9.45pm at the Forum Theatre, so you can go and see Tommy and then have a little lie down. A little nibble. you can go and see Tommy and then have a little lie down.

A little nibble. And then come and see the Chan Man. And then, what if you're thinking, that sounds great, but there's not enough, what about Monday nights? What can we start our week off with? Yeah, well, Monday nights we've got the live Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast with special guests. We're at the Town Hall at 7.15 at night.

We've got three of them during the festival, so we don't get a night off, do we? So we've got the podcast on Monday night and then Tuesday till Sunday, you've got Tommy Daslow and me both doing our solo shows. And you know what? We'd absolutely love to see you come along because we've got like three and a half weeks worth. Yeah, it's busy. We've got a lot of tickets to sell. And, you know, it'd be lovely to see you guys if you've enjoyed us giving out our little free podcast for the last two years or so.

Yeah, exactly. You get this for free and the tickets are what they are. So chip in and you'll have a great time. There's heaps of friends of the show around doing shows. We'll be hanging around at the front of the town hall and the hi-fi bar and stuff. If you see us around and want to say, hey, we'll have the T-shirts at the live gigs. I'll have my CD after gigs. So come on out.

Get out there and, you know, this is fun to listen to but live comedy is, you know, it's a step beyond. You know, seeing stuff live, it's the next level. It's what you want to be doing. Exactly. And we've, you know, the live podcasts have always been heaps of fun and you get to see our, you know, surprise special famous guests in person as well. So stick around, have a drink with us at the bar after the gig as well. Yeah, come down, comedyfestival.com.au for tickets and have a drink with us at the bar after the gig as well.

Yeah, come down, comedyfestival.com.au for tickets and our website, littledumbdumbclub.com for more details. And we'll see you there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us.

Sitting next to me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chan. G'day, dickhead. We need to give a big shout-out to a friend of the show, Dave O'Neill, who has lent us an extra microphone for this episode because one of ours has gone walkabout. And I'm sure you picked up on this. He turned up with one of his famous kids, one of his stage children. And there was a great moment where within four seconds of him being in the house, you've dropped an F-bomb in front of the child.

And then everyone sort of looked around awkwardly and went, oh, that was a bad thing to have done. Dave then proceeded in conversation with us for ten minutes to break the land speed record for swearing in front of a kid. It was just masterful. And the kid didn't even seem to register that anything was going on. Well, I liked it. I made a joke when I said to the kid, hey Barney, I'm the guy that your dad talks to for six hours a day on the phone. You know when your dad rings people for like

six hours a day and the kid goes, yep. No, it was like a really solemn nod of the head. Just, yeah. You know for half the day when you're not being parented? I'm usually responsible for that. Because that's always fascinated me, like cool parents that swear in front of their kids. Because my parents, even now,

like if I say shit in front of my dad, he'll crack it. Like even now he doesn't like it. I've always wondered what it would be like growing up with parents that either don't care if you swear or just swear liberally around the house. Would you like it or not? Because I wouldn't. I'm pretty old school. I reckon I'm genuinely shocked.

Sometimes if I go and do something with my dad and we're out of the house, he'll be like, he'll go, well, anyway. And then I was like, oh, fuck that. And I'm like, whoa, whoa. Like we're out in the middle of the bush and he'll just like whisper the F-bomb. I like that. I just love that. If that was literally like the end to a story,

just something happens and then you get down really long and go, so anyway, then I was like, fuck. Like it's a little secret. It's a really cheeky thing that you've done. We don't want the bunyips to hear that. Well, I mean, I don't know. Like let's – maybe we can check in with Barney O'Neill in – how old do you think he is?

Maybe 10 years' time. We've got the Nick Cody birthday countdown. We can do the – Oh, 42 days to go? 42 days until Nick Cody's birthday. We can do the whatever, 2,000 days until we find out whether Barney O'Neill regrets the loss of youth, the loss of innocence in his youth. No, more like we'll count down 2,000 days until Barney gets out of jail at some point.

That'll be it. We should have got him on the show though. We're just hanging around. Because O'Neill was in here for like 15, 20 minutes, and it sort of had an air of like he was angling to be asked to just sit and do the podcast. Oh, look, that's him on the phone every day. Me just trying to get off the phone for 20 minutes. Him just going, I want to do anything but be in my house at the moment.

Today on the show, first time guest, you know her from Adam Hills and Gordon Street tonight. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Hannah Gadsby. Hello. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Having a lot of fun playing with Time Dog, previously mentioned Time Dog, as we were doing that introduction.

Yeah, he's playing hard to get. I'm sort of on the fence about whether he should be allowed in the room when we do the show because he's cute and he's happy to be around but he's sort of a distraction. Yeah, we're all way more interested in what the dog's doing than talking. Think about what we're talking. Yeah, because he'll sit and do nothing and then as soon as he sees the, I think it's the mixing desk, he started to realise that the mixing desk

coming out means good times. Yeah, he's like a womble. Yeah, he does it's the mixing desk. He started to realise that the mixing desk coming out means good times. Yeah, he's like a womble. Yeah, he does look a bit womble. I think we've put a picture of him on the site. But, yeah, look, we're off to a good start. Yeah, racing start. We've got nothing to talk about. We're more distracted than the dog.

I was quite impressed because we've been sitting around chatting and then you hit record and you all just went up a level and went speedy and I just felt, oh, no. I find it really hard to turn on and go. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about this podcast. Speedy. Yeah, yeah. Who put that on a post?

That's speedy, Hannah Gadsby. It's going so fast, boys. Yeah, we can talk properly. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a shame because when I was communicating with you, I think it was yesterday or this morning, yesterday, you did put in a – you said to me that we could name our own fruit and you would bring that in.

Yeah, but you failed to name the fruit. I know, I know. You had one thing to do today and you screwed it up. Pass my helmet over. Oh, yeah. Can you pass the helmet? I bought some treats. I live above a fruit and you screwed it up. Pass my helmet over. I bought some treats. I live above a fruit and vegetable shop.

So that's why I do this. And so I took a guess actually it's the only easily carried fruit out the back that I could steal without anyone seeing. And it's a pineapple. So we've got a pineapple. They're bitches to get into. That would be the best fruit to carry

on a motorbike because if you dropped it, you wouldn't really notice the difference, would you? No. No, you wouldn't. But then we got like... Oh, hello. What have we got here? Some handmade fruits.

Some handmade... Were these stolen as well or were these purchased with actual money? Okay. Because the pineapple... So what you're saying, hot tip, pineapple's easy to steal from a fruit shop? Oh, out the back. Yeah.

You know... The supply. Okay. Yeah, that's? Oh, out the back. Yeah. You know. The supply. Okay. Yeah, that's, yeah, don't steal. I think, I don't know if I've talked about this before. I used to work at a burger joint and there were a lot of, like, students who'd work there and then quit because their studies got too much or whatever.

And then there was kind of just a revolving door of these ex-employees who would come in out the back and, like, rack parmesan and brie because it was sort of like it was it was like a you know those fancy sort of burger joints so people would just and it was like just a known thing if you're working out the back just expect because it was like we're all mates so it was like well i'm not going to rat you in for stealing parmesan yeah but then we'd always come up short and the managers couldn't work out why they were losing money because it was like yeah pineapple all your all your delicacies because it was like the storeroom was like way way out the back of the shop like so far away from the front that it was like the and it was like a garage door onto an alleyway yeah

the easiest scam of all time well um some people were talking about that this the other day and i felt quite bad but um i was at a a party where it was like a group of eight people and everyone's talking about, oh, you know when you're 16, you worked at McDonald's. Where did you work? McDonald's, yeah, yeah, KFC, Pizza Hut, McDonald's, Hungry Jack's, you know, and I was the only person. I didn't have a teenage job. Oh, really?

And everyone sort of just went, you didn't have any job at all. And I'm like, no. Yeah, but look where you are now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it in reverse. This is like your teenage no. Yeah, but look where you are now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it in reverse. This is like your teenage job. Badly paid. But this explains a lot because it's like when you work in a teenage job,

you have a very bad attitude towards things. You're a bit of a, you know, you sort of treat people a bit crappy. This is what you're doing now. This is like kind of your attitude towards this job now. Right. It's what you would have gotten out of your sister. i used to work at the local golf club with my parents we'd make the counter meals every friday oh yeah oh really yeah so we i was you know you set the tables with like the paper uh you know paper placemats and with it with the um what do you

call that when you oh man i've forgotten I've forgotten the word. Not name places? No, no, we'll just move on. And I was in charge of salads. You have shredded lettuce, three tomatoes, three slices of cucumber on top of the slices of tomato. Oh, yep. A spoonful of coleslaw and a twist of orange for garnish. And then that was to go off for either steak, fish and chips or a roast.

Was that your first job growing up? Pretty much. And then I went on to – like I was also working on a friend's farm during the Christmas holidays. So that was like bale and hay. I always wanted like a kind of cool, quirky job when I was growing up for my first job. Like my first sort of – I worked at a bottle shop for a week.

Oh, really? Got the sack, yeah. Why did you get the sack? I got the sack because – He was 14. And he looks well beyond these years. Did you have a fake ID to get that job? It took them a week to work it out.

Like, wait a minute. No, it was basically... Because you asked to be paid in Stone's Ginger Wine? Yeah. It was just basically a couple of guys who'd worked there before and had gone overseas came back and just wanted their jobs back and it was very just like kind of mates all helping each other out because I was the last one on I just got.

But it was like it was the best job I ever have or ever will have because it was like working in a bottle shop. It was at the end of my street. So it was like a two-minute walk there. It was for a casual job. It was like insane amount of pay. You work on a Sunday. You're earning like heaps. You're working in a bottle shop.

So it's easy. It was like everything that you want out of a job. Yep. And it was like, even if I get a job at another bottle shop, it's not going to be at the end of my street. Yeah, yeah. I was so depressed. I was like, it's only going to go down from here.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing can ever be this good. My best job was a cinema projectionist. That's a good one. And that's just no people. Yeah. Just darkened rooms. Yeah.

And do you get to watch a lot of movies? Well, I only bit some bobs of them because you do actually have to work. Yeah. Just darkened rooms. Yeah. And do you get to watch a lot of movies? Well, only bits and bobs of them because you do actually have to work. Yeah. Like, so you'll watch a bit out of a window and then go, oh, I better go and not stuff up another person. Watching out of a window. It's one of those jobs with like a goalkeeper in soccer where you only notice when you do something wrong though.

Yeah. Otherwise, you never noticed at all. Yeah. That's the ultimate. Yeah. You think it's like electronic or something? Yeah. The worst one, I think I did two really bad things I did.

One, I forgot to lock down the top reel because it was an old reel-to-reel cinema, so it was old school. You had to do changeovers. And I forgot to lock down the top reel and eventually it just – it was in Clay Pigeons. I remember the film. That's a movie, Clay Pigeons. And the reel just – Not the name of the

cinema and the real just fell off and of course the film kept going but locked into the gate and then so on screen joaquin phoenix phoenix joaquin phoenix even the name went off the roll. Yeah, he just burnt. Like he just melted on the screen. And I'm like, oh. And then another time it just sort of spooled off down the bottom and didn't like, I couldn't stop the film, but it just kept not spooling onto the spool. So it was just like, and the film, it filled up the room. And then I had to hand wind it.

Oh, man. Yeah. I wouldn't be able to handle a job like that. Like because that's what I always used to – I used to get so stressed out working in food stuff because it was sort of like, you know, with making someone's burger or getting their order right, you're in charge of someone else's kind of like lunch and sort of someone else's enjoyment. It used to stress me out so much. Whereas now, like with comedy, it doesn't really stress me out at all because I realise that it doesn't matter.

Like, you know, it doesn't matter at all. People get over things. They'll get a sandwich. They'll be fine. Yeah, you do a shit gig, people forget in a day. It doesn't matter. One of the fondest memories, and this sounds weird, but it's something that always sticks with me,

is have you ever done that thing where you go into a cinema and have you ever watched a movie by yourself? Yeah, I've started doing it. It's kind of a necessity. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, no one in the cinema. Only person in the cinema. You're the only person in the cinema.

I saw True Romance by myself in the Bendigo Twin Cinema. Absolutely by myself. That's awesome. Yeah. No, I don't think I've ever had that. I've started going to the Westgarth Cinema, which is just down the street from here where I live. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's amazing because it's a cinema that's in a place where you wouldn't think to ever put a cinema. And I went in there and saw something and it's kind of abandoned. It's one of those ones where they don't have a dedicated ticket booth. You just buy a ticket from over the bar. And then when you go in, no one checks your ticket. And the stairways to the cinema are like right off the street. So you could literally, and I want to test this,

just look it up and just go straight in and help yourself. It's like an abandoned. Sitting next to a stolen pineapple. I like this little voice of reason, this little conscience on both of our shoulders in this episode today. Just Hannah Gadsby, don't steal. Yeah, people think they're hardcore because they download movies illegally. I'm taking it one step beyond. So what was your first job then?

Your first ever job, what did you do? I sort of worked... Scoloping. Scoloping. No, I just remembered that word I was looking for. Oh, okay. Scoloped edges. I was going to say, that's a weird suggestion what you think my first job would be. That's what you guys met at the golf course.

Hannah would make the salads and then you were grilling the steak. Yeah. No, I worked at a... Because Mirabar is quite... Where I come from, Mirabar, a small town. As in, you're probably similar background to you. Very small town. Weird town. I worked at background to you, very small town, weird town. I worked at a printer's, I think, over the summer.

Like I would go in like midnight shift, like midnight till six, and I think I would just like clean machines and pick shit off the ground and it was bad. And, you know, you're working with, and I've never done a job in my life and all of a sudden you're working at midnight till six with a bunch of huge bogans that are trying to print the mailways or whatever. It wasn't a great job.

That's strange. Yeah. Speaking of Mirabar, has Mirabar been in the news again this week? Just double murder down there? No big deal? Oh, yeah. Yeah, just one of those things, and you know, what was your town, your country town? Smithton.

Smithton, that's right. In Tasmania? Yeah. Yeah, it would be one of those towns where you wouldn't, if you didn't know everyone, you'd know the surnames though, wouldn't you? Yeah, oh, yeah. There's only three or four. Yeah, yeah, right, right.

But you'd know of, you know, oh, that's the classic Jones, you know, whatever it is. Yeah, so there's one of those weird things where people have been saying to me, oh, did you know those people were being murdered? I'm like, I know the name. I know the family name. I know, you know. No, that's not bad, is it?

That's just bad for them. Yeah, yeah. It's like my mum and dad would definitely know who they were. They'd be like, oh, they're the ones that. See, that's weird to me because I've always grown up in the city. So if I see someone in the paper that's been murdered and I know them, it's like I'd know them well. That's a big deal.

You can see why I find that weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but in the country, you know, lives come and go, don't they? Yeah. That's rough. Yeah, you grow up on the farm, you know, sheep die all the time, whatever, you know, that's the sort of value you put into it. Tractors roll.

Tractors roll. Yeah, yeah. And I was thinking, I don't think I've told this on the podcast before, but when I was growing up, we had this thing of, around about the same time I had the first job, I think, in that late teenage period, I used to knock about with people at one stage where they were sort of nerdy, they were sort of computer game sort of people, whatever it was.

But I wasn't into that. It was just a thing where I think they used to play soccer with me. So I knew them or whatever, right? But then there was this day, right, where we went to play soccer and the coach, it was like early Sunday morning, the coach sat us down and went, look, I've got to tell you something. You've got to sit down and listen to this story. You might not want to play today after hearing this story.

I'm like, Jesus, what's happened here? And they go, right, you know, this guy, this guy and this guy, they're playing in the team. They are all under arrest. They're at the police station right now. And it's like Sunday morning. What's going on? What have they done?

It's like they have just pulled off this grand heist and what they'd been doing was and we'd been following this in the paper but they'd been stealing computers for like the last month so every couple of days it'd be like a break-in at the council offices a break-in at the primary school a break-in at like the learning center and stuff and it just happened to be like when you look at it in hindsight there was a connection there was like four kids and like one of them their dad taught at the primary school one of them worked at the learning center one of their mums worked at the tafe whatever it was so they all had this connection where they were stealing computers

from but the paper was running these big stories like it was an exclusive. And it was going, these guys, these super criminals, they're building a supercomputer. Now, when you look back at it, they were stealing 286s and Amstrads from council offices that were lucky to have rates go through them. All those computers now linked up probably still don't equal the power of an iPhone. No, definitely not. Yeah. Definitely not. linked up probably still don't equal the power of an iphone no definitely not yeah definitely not like they say that iphone isn't the iphone powerful enough like to launch the like a rocket to the moon or whatever like it's got enough power i haven't got that app but yeah well apparently

it's powerful more powerful than the the computer that sent a rocket to the moon oh yeah yeah in the 60s or whatever yeah yeah well this thing that, this is like 20 years ago now. This thing, yeah, this thing was lucky to play California games. And they were. That's so good. Bit of a theme of theft coming out with this. Did you ever go through a, you ever had a bit of a shoplifting phase when you were a kid or anything like that? Oh, as a young adult. Yeah.

Because I was really, really poor. And I would just, I would. Was there anything in Smithton to steal? Oh, no a young adult. Yeah. Because I was really, really poor. And I would just, I would... Was there anything in Smithton to steal? Oh, no, no. I moved beyond the borders. No, I didn't steal in Smithton. Oh, maybe some... Pineapples.

Oh, I could stick my hand up. When I was a kid, I could stick my hand up the, you know, the vending machine and take cans of Coke. Oh, really? Yeah, or Fruita. Fruita was my personal favourite. Fruita! Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

I remember that. It's one of those things where... The green with the tree. Yeah. When you go a short distance, like when you used to go down the beach as a kid, did you ever do that when you go down there, they've got a completely different range of ice creams? You're like, where'd this come from?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've travelled 50 kilometres and there's no more Petereter's ice cream or anything there's just a completely new thing yeah and i stumbled across fruiter like that i think we went on a footy trip down there and it was like what the hell's fruiter why i still don't know i've never even heard of this this sounds like i'm watching a cartoon you know where they'll make up a brand name and it's like not quite right yeah yeah yeah it's based on something it's not quite right like if i was watching this on a cartoon, I'd go, oh, this is such bullshit because they can't use the word Fanta so they've had to call it Fruita, which is like not quite the same.

Well, we got obsessed with it in that we went on this trip and then we come back and people went, oh, how was it? And we go, we found Fruita. Like, that's the stupid things you get obsessed by. So what is it? It's a fizzy fruit drink? Yeah, kind of like fruit tingly kind of business without caffeine. Right.

And it's, you know, I just remember the green tin and the yellow tree. Yeah. Right. Must have been a fruit tree. Have I told you before about there's a milk bar near my parents' house that hasn't changed. You know those old ads for ice creams, how like a store would have like a big poster for an ice cream or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they haven't taken any of them down for like 20 years. Yeah. So they've got all these ads for like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ice cream. All these like vintage posters and like – because you go in and at first I thought they found some place that's still making them and they're still stocking them. It's just depressing because then all they've got in the freezer

is like a calippo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, if you're going to keep the posters up, you should at least try and still stock the ice cream. They've brought Monaco bars back. Oh, really? Did they go anywhere? Yep, they disappeared.

Really? Now they're back. Oh. Just a good thing that's happened. Maybe they gave up because they sort of thought, you know, the Maxi Bonds kind of stolen their thunder because the Maxi Bonds kind of doing the same thing. Kind of, but then they stuff it up halfway.

Yeah, the crunchy end. No. No, not as good. They had Kiss ice creams back the other day as well. I think they literally manufactured Kiss ice creams from the 70s because they came out and played a gig in Melbourne. Oh, right. That's amazing.

I didn't know there was such thing as a kiss ice cream. Yeah, I remember them from like one of those. He just dropped it and his mum goes, oh, it's a kiss ice cream. Yeah, with the extra fluff. Yeah. Hey, I'll do this. This is a call back to something I've talked about in the past

where I live in the units in my apartments or whatever. I've got an old woman in charge, I think. Technically, I don't know if she's in charge, but there's an old busybody that just tells you what you're doing wrong all the time. Whether it's self-designated or not, she's in charge. Yeah, it's one of those things where she's the one who's sending letters, leaving letters in the postbox saying that I'm not supposed to leave my washing on the balcony, stuff like that.

There's no rule against that. But anyway, she's, in my eyes, she's... Just for context, Carly's Grand Dragon of the KKK. So you can see how that hanging on a balcony would be offensive in some way. Yeah. She's, I believe she's forged legal documents and put them in my mailbox to say, because they've always got like a solicitor's letterhead on them and they say you can't leave your laundry on them.

It's like no solicitor's doing that. Like that's made up, isn't it? Yeah, I can't imagine a solicitor taking the time out. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she stole the letterhead. Yeah. Yeah. I think that must be.

She could have done it. Maybe she got that document made up with a supercomputer. She's found something. Which, the end of that story is, as soon as they got found, one of them got caught. Like, one of these guys that was thieving out from the Bendigo Tafe, I think he was pinching a few mouses from Bendigo Tafe. And someone rang someone, and the other guys that were back in Miraburra

got all their supercomputer constructs and went through them in a dam. So before the Bendigo police could come back and capture the evidence, they threw it in a dam. So then for the rest of their school lives, every time you'd be in a classroom with them, you just pointed a computer and go, that'll look good in a dam, wouldn't it? Look at that. They're like the Maribor of like the West Memphis Three.

Yeah, yeah. Destroying the evidence in a dam. No one's quite sure if it was these three guys or not. Yeah, it was like, but the thing was back in that story where the- Oh, they must have been shitting themselves. Yeah. Yeah. So scared.

The coaches and the teachers were like saying, can you go on playing soccer with them? And we're like, yeah, we get to hang heaps of shit on them. This is going to be awesome. Yeah, you're right. Like when you do something at school that was like not even that bad, but in the context of being that age, it seems like you've done the worst thing and just that fear of getting found out. Just to quickly deviate, the only time I've ever shoplifted,

it was the last day of year six. And like, you know, my primary school was, like, year six. Like, we were all moving on to different schools after that. So it was kind of like this is kind of the last, you know, big – kind of a big deal, right? Yeah. And so me and my mate were like, let's get eggs. Let's egg people on the last day of school and be really cool. And then we were like, because that's not bad boy enough, let's steal the eggs as well just to give it that extra naughty element.

So we went to, like, the food works near, he lived behind me, went to the local food works and they had this step up that you exited out of that had a sensor on that side but you could walk around the sensor so we passed the eggs around over the sensor. But then that last day at school we had this huge fight over who should get to keep the eggs around over the centre. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then that last day at school we had this huge fight over, like, who should get to keep the eggs and all this stuff. And then I got really paranoid.

This is only going to end well. Yeah. I got really paranoid that, like, he was going to rat me out. So for, like, the next week, any time someone would turn up at my parents' house, there'd be a knock on the door, I'd be freaking out going, oh, no, it's the cops. And I'd just start making peace with it like

i'm going away for a long time like that why did you steal the eggs so early what do you mean yeah a week before no it was a day before a couple days before oh okay yeah all right yeah i think we just wanted to give ourselves enough time i think we felt like maybe like it wouldn't work like if we bungled the operation we still wanted to have enough time to like go and formulate a new plan to get the eggs the next day. You know, like Wile E. Coyote. Just like, just like. We had a group of schoolgirls from our school

who went on an excursion to Burnie and got caught stealing from Chicken Feed, which is like, you know. Oh, hang on. Chicken Feed is like the $2 shop. The $2 shops? Yeah, but Chicken feed is like the $2 shop. Chicken feed. The $2 shops? Yeah, but they're often cheaper than $2.

So, you know. I went to school opposite the – I went to high school for a couple of years opposite the shrine. Oh, you went to high school for a couple of years, yeah. No, well, I left that school. But anyway, one of the schools I went to was opposite the Shrine of Remembrance. And there was a kid in my year level who got a detention for having a durry on the steps of Shrine of Remembrance and there was a kid in my year level who got a detention for having a durry on the steps of Shrine of Remembrance in his school uniform. Lighting up from the eternal flame.

That's why I got the detention because it's like you've got a lighter in your hand, man. How dumb are you? You've got one right there. But that was just when kids would go out of their way to do stuff to cop a detention as a badge of honour. I was like, man, that is trying, that was just, you know, when kids would try, like, go out of their way to do stuff to cop a detention as, like, a badge of honour. Oh, really? Man, that is trying too hard.

I was flag monitor at school. What's that? You have to hoist the flag. Oh. And I used to hang it upside down. And no one cared. I think they'd cared these days. Like, apparently the flag's more important than it used to be.

Right. But I just sort of. The Australian flag? Yeah. I once did a gig, my first ever gig that I did in Tasmania, which I was not prepared, not good enough to do, went down there with another guy. Yeah, you were. You were too good, if anything.

Oh, no. It was a terrible gig. Where was it? It was at, it was in Hobart, and it was at the Hobart Racing Club, I think. Right. Yeah, which is a very terrible gig. Where was it? It was at, it was in Hobart and it was at the Hobart Racing Club, I think. Yeah, which is a very weird gig anyway because the room was really, really, really long and we did it in daylight and there was really, really long plate glass windows. Oh, sounds great. Yeah, then there was a complete dance floor in between us and the audience.

And when you say complete? Complete dance floor. Oh, well, it wasn't in bits. Here in Melbourne, we have half dance floors, sometimes in the middle of gigs. No, well, I mean, there was no one on the dance floor. They were completely off the dance floor. Right, but it was complete. It was complete.

It had been finished. We insisted. It's not fenced off under construction. We insisted that they complete it before we did the insisted stuff under construction we insisted that they completed before we did the gig so yeah they got workers in just before i opened up my set and uh it's been completed yep i ticked off my to-do list and uh so uh we did so we were about 20 30 meters away from the audience and then they came in and they went to the audience before the gig they were like okay guys you can't have dinner or have any drinks.

You've got to watch the comedy first. So then they're just sitting there going, we hate this guy, this guy. And we can't even dance. Yeah. We can't even dance. It's completed dance floor. It's completed. What a waste of completed dance floor.

The construction workers are going, oh, if we knew this was going to happen, we would have just not bothered with the dance floor. Yeah, we could have completed it after the gig. Yeah, it was horrible. And so, yeah, we did the gig at like 6 o'clock at night. Everyone hated us. And then me and the other guy that was the comic, we just got really drunk and then sat outside

and got really drunk with everyone else. And then they were like, oh, you guys are actually funny now. Now that you're drunk and we're drunk, you guys are actually funny. Not like before when you were shit house. Like, oh, sweet, thanks for that. you guys are great, let's hit the dance floor and then we actually felt like it was worth doing because we ended up being quite

funny to everyone that was there just out when people were having cigarettes and everyone was like oh we love you now, you guys are alright, you're like street performers yeah yeah and then we walked down, we actually felt good about ourselves. And then just literally there was a woman right at the door as we left. And she goes, there you go.

You got your money. You were shit ass, but you got your money, didn't you? Hey? And we're like, oh, what? We've just gotten over the disastrous gig. Trust the bitch at the door. Yeah. She's always angry.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she was horrible. She was probably the one I had to complete the dance for. Yeah, under pressure. trust the bitch at the door yeah she's always angry yeah yeah oh she was horrible she was probably the one i had to complete the dance yeah so she was under pressure um so sorry we we veered away from yes uh yeah the woman who uh runs the apartment buildings and whatever she um she yeah she's lately she she got tried to get me in trouble for not putting my rubbish in the right bins i was putting it in unit 19's bins that are

unit 18 so you can see where the trouble would have been there yeah um so that is a thing though like people do get cut about having but she wasn't unit 18 but i mean even when you walk down the street and you know if you have a can of empty can or whatever and it's been rubbish day you know the street you're walking down and you'll just put it I always have that fear That like There'll you know A guy will be in his front yard And go sick at me

Because it does happen Yeah Yeah look I think People are a bit too precious About their rubbish Yeah Yeah it's a weird thing To care about

Yeah I don't I have a rubbish bin I have skips Out the back For general waste Yeah A skip Oh it's actually really great I've thought about hiring You know you can hire one If you're like Moving houses have skips out the back for general waste. A skip.

It's actually really great. You can hire one if you like moving house. I've thought about hiring one to have out in the street. I'd love it. I just have a skip. It's usually full of greens and rabbit food and boxes and stuff. I threw my rubbish in there. Then they've got a recycling

for paper and boxes skip, which is great. But I have nowhere for my glassware. So I go for a trot on rubbish not. Yeah. You need a third glass skip. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a bit excessive. But there's, you know, like, because there's not much glass in fruit and veg.

Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah, don't need a skip. After we finish this pineapple, we'll tell you how much there is. Yeah, so she's a bossy boots or whatever. And anyway, in my continuing deterioration of my mind where I'm just losing things constantly and forgetting things, which is going really well at the moment. What's happening there?

I don't know. I'm not really sure. I've noticed it's getting worse. Yeah, yeah. It's a thing where I'll be talking to other people and you'll come up in conversation and I'll go, oh, yeah, like when we were coming back from the States and he left his suitcase at the train station or something, I'll go, oh, well, did he tell you the one two days ago where he left a box of money on the tram?

Yeah, yeah. I already think you're hopeless and I didn't even know the five things you did in the last Well, I've got two more. So, yeah. So is this new for you? Did you used to be sharp? I think so. I don't know. It's hard to remember now that I've deteriorated. He's lost the videotape evidence of himself.

I forgot that notebook. I swear, I swear I used to be like, I'd be in conversation with someone and they'd ask me something. I'd go, we talked about this in May. I remember talking about this and I'd have these files of all the conversations I've ever had and now I'm leaving boxes of money on the tram. Your supercomputer's run out of me. Not quite super enough.

It needs one more laptop plugged into it to give it that power. See, back then I was 286. Back then I was 286, obviously, and things have gotten a lot better and I've just stayed at 286. You need a smartphone in your head. I've noticed conversationally. I need to launch rockets with my mind. I'll tell you a story about someone and then like three days later, you'll tell it back to me with no memory.

But what I've noticed that you are a fan of is you'll just add in all these little bits of juice that it's like what you wish had happened in the story. It's like, yeah, and then he's bloody punched a nun in the face. I'm like, hang on, Dad, that's my dad in that story. I didn't tell you that part of it at all. What can I say? I'm a master storyteller.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's how you tell a good story is you don't tell the truth. Yeah, that's true. Well, never let the truth get in the way of a good mental illness like Kay Chandler. Well, I'll ditch this boring story and make up a new one then, halfway through this. No, so what I've done is I have lost my wallet just before I went to Brisbane when we did the Brisbane shows a couple of weeks ago. Lost my wallet. Now, I was in the midst of changing over wallets.

I don't know why there needs to be a midst, but I've decided there has been. It's process. Yeah, it's a big move. It's respect for the old wallet. I didn't have a skip to chuck out all the rubbish from my old wallet, so I had to slowly transfer over. So I've bought one of those wallets, and this will help you too, but it won't help the listeners.

But what do you call these wallets? Oh, yeah, I used to have one of them. Yeah, like a two-piece little thing with it that continually can flip over and stuff. Yeah, those little, with the little bits of cord in the middle. Yeah, two bits that sort of... Magic. They're like magic. Yeah, it's like Rubik's Magic that we've talked about. It's like

that. What's interesting is that you and I have kind of switched wallet types, because I used to have one of them, and I got the shits with it, and now I've gone back to your classic come on guys it's time to make something up and then

I'm getting a blow job and she's like nice wallet and I'm like yeah oh look a pigeon just flew out of it yeah

no so anyway I was so what I've done is I've I've got one of these things I've went yep I'm going to be cool these are cool wallets

I'm going to use this from now on I've used it for about an hour and gone these are are cool wallets. I'm going to use this from now on. I've used it for about an hour and gone, these are the worst wallets ever. You can't have coins. Stuff falls out. Everything falls out of it.

They're right for about one business card, and that's about it. So anyway, then I've decided, right, I'm going to keep this for my cards and use my normal wallet for my money. So then I've lost my normal wallet, the one with all the money, and I've lost it and gone, well, there's no chance of getting it back because all my ID, all my cards are in this.

So someone's just picked up a wallet full of $200, unmarked, nothing else in it, like the perfect thing to do. Thousands of years of human evolution have gotten us to a point where we have our money and our ID and our cards in one place. For this very reason, you think you're going to come out and just redefine the game. But how good is that for someone? I actually thought this is good karma in a way because I'm responsible for someone picking up a wallet with $200 in it and they don't even have to make a decision whether they

should bring it back or not. There's no ID in it. That's just free money for someone. I don't think I've told this on the show. A friend of the show, Sam Gray, who was with us in Brisbane, I don't know why I'm shouting out to him very specifically, but anyway, he lost his wallet a little while ago while I was with him and it turned up at the cop shop and he got it back and he went,

oh, well, of course, you know, whoever's found it, like someone's going to have nicked the money out of it and then handed it in. And he got it back, all the money in it, and he was feeling really good. And he was like, isn't that nice? It's a great thing for someone to do. And I was thinking, if I ever found a wallet, I reckon the ultimate scam would be

you don't touch their money on their credit cards, but you just go and if they've got a sub club card that's full, you just go and use that. You use up their Gloria Jeans cards. You use their frequent flyer miles. You use little things that they won't work out until like months down the line. That would be the ultimate scam, I reckon. Yeah.

Well, this thing – If you like flying and coffee. And Subway, which I do enjoy both of those things. Sucked in, mate. I'm going to Newcastle next weekend. Yeah. Newcastle Subway. Yeah, so I just wrote it off.

Okay, well, that's the end of that whatever I like three weeks later nearly four weeks later I checked my mail and I pulled all the mail out and you know

you chuck out your your rubbish and whatever out of it or your junk mail and I noticed there was an inch long strip of paper

the width and then the height is half an inch long and someone had written on it if you want your wallet back come to unit 14 and i'm like what is this real and so i went to unit 14 in my units and then knocked on the door and there's just this and it was the old woman it was the the the old woman in charge and she's like yes and i'm like oh well you left a note about the wallet she's like oh you think it's your wallet do you and i'm like well you left me the note i'm like

i don't understand how this is working like there's no id in my wallet so why have you left like what looks like a really bad ransom note in my mailbox and she's like oh well i left that in everyone's mailbox i'm like oh okay she goes it's an audition yeah yeah yeah so she's like well you took your time and i'm like i don't know if this is the right attitude to have given that you've got my money at the moment and she's like well how do i know it's your wallet and i'm like well you don't because i separated the id out of it so it's just and she goes well what's it look like how big is it i'm like pocket sized like how big are wallets it's like well is there any identifying stuff in it and i'm like oh i don't know like it had money in it and she's like well anything else i'm like what are you waiting for like Like, it had money in it. And she's like, well, anything else? I'm like, what are you waiting for?

It's got money in it. Lucky for me, I draw dicks on all of my notes of currency. So you have a look. I don't remember the serial numbers. But anyway, I'm like, what are you waiting for? She's like, well, it does have, like, a Safeway receipt in it. Like, it's four weeks ago. Do you need the four unwashed potatoes that I bought on that receipt? Do you need me to bring them along?

And she's like... Meanwhile, there's a line of other people waiting behind you who think it's their wallet as well. Yeah, who've got Polaroids of their wallets that they're coming out. Yeah, it's like the thing on The Simpsons where, who is it who's giving away all the money? And it's just all the people coming in and auditioning for wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So when it got to that ridiculous, she just went, oh, okay, all right, well, you can have it. And she goes, well, I thought I was going to keep it. But anyway, that's disappointing and whatever. And for context, how much money is in the wallet? There was $200 in the wallet. Oh, okay, that's a wallet. Okay, now that makes a bit more sense.

Did you give her anything? Did you give her the Safeway docket? No, but I think, you know think to keep up the camera, I should go back, but then I sort of thought, oh, she's the old woman that keeps getting me in trouble and stuff, so maybe I shouldn't give her anything. This is where the trouble can stop. Yeah, right. I can end this. Killer.

I can give her poison chocolates, because I do have chocolates. Yeah, she looks at the receipt for Safeway and it's like rope, fertilizer, a shovel. This is ridiculous, but I actually have two big boxes of chocolates in the house already that I can give her that I've bought from the last time where I lost all my money and I was going to give these chocolates to the last people who found my money last time that I never got around to doing because I left a box of money on the tram and I bought these chocolates for the tram driver who handed

them in and I just didn't do it. You just need to get onto bloody Terry's Chocolate Orange or whoever it is direct and just buy up in bulk to thank all these people that are going to find your shit that you just continually lose. Yeah, yeah, and get them pre-printed so it says, two blank, thanks for finding my stuff. You should be the new face of Cadbury's favourites. I should be the new face of lost and found department. That's what I should be.

So second lost story, lost stuff story. Oh, my God. So this is another callback to weeks ago in the, what is it, the Brendan Burns episode where I left my shorts at Spleen. Oh, yeah, yeah. Quick recap for Hannah Gadsby. At Spleen where you were last night, comedy at Spleen. Quick recap for Hannah Gadsby. At Spleen where you were last night

comedy at Spleen I left a pair of shorts there a month or two ago and I forgot them and then the next day the next week I came back in to

say where are those shorts and the bartender had just found a pair of shorts on the ground backstage and gone I'll wear them and got changed into them

and went home and wore my shorts home and then I I said I said and got changed into them and went home. I wore my shorts home. And then I said to him. That's odd behavior. Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? Yeah. So then the next week I. It was really hot, to be fair.

Yeah, it was hot. But it wasn't a surprise heat wave. Yeah. Yeah, but I feel like that at least gives some justification. It's still weird. Yeah, it is still weird. Less chance for me. If it's been hot, I'm not putting on a secondhand pair of shorts. Yeah, it is still weird. Less chance for me. If it's been hot, I'm not putting on a second-hand pair of shorts.

True, yeah, yeah, okay. And there's also a huge lost and found department in the back of Spleen where they've got three garbage bags full of clothes and he's had to pick my shorts out of all of that. Anyway, so then the next week I've gone, he's got sprung for it, and he said, oh, I'll have to bring them back then. I'm like, good. And then he went, oh, I have drawn all over them.

So in a week he's decided to draw all over my shorts. So I didn't get those shorts back. I didn't get them back. But that's odd behavior from that guy, from that bartender at Spleen. Anyway. Found a pair of shorts. They fit. I'm going to draw them.

I missed the bus. I was waiting at the stop. Got out of by-road. Decided to color them in. Whatever. That's what's happened. So last night. They were fading a bit, so I just wanted decided to colour them in, whatever. That's what's happened. So last night... They were fading a bit, so I just wanted to make them a bit more blue.

Put some highlights in them. Needed to make them a bit more high-vis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, too boring. I hate looking at boring denim. Celtic designs, he drew on them, just for information. But so last night, we were at Spleen, and what happens is I generally supply the iPod for the music at Spleen or the comedy rooms like that.

And I did a thing where I walked out without my phone. It was on my iPhone. I walked out. My music's playing over the PA. I didn't take that into my brain or anything. I just went, oh, that's some pretty cool songs that I have at home. All right, I'm going. Walked, went out, nearly got home, got the call.

You've got, you've left your iPhone at Spleen. Who called you and how did they call you? On your wallet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. The one with cards in it? No, they left a tiny, tiny note in my mailbox when I got home. They raced me home.

They wrote it on the back of a stamp. The most amazing paper airplane of all time. They've gotten on the roof of Spleen and gotten that baby all the way to Hawthorne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, no, they called someone who called someone who called. I got a ride home with Pete Sharkey and they called Steel Saunders who called Pete Sharkey, who I was in the car with. Okay, all right.

So it is a real story. Story checks out. Yeah, I haven't made up this fantastical element of the story. Dave called Steel Saunas, who called Uma Thurman, who I was with at the time. So got back there, got that back there, right, and the girl bartender was still there, but the guy had left, and she goes, oh, you're lucky you're here,

because he was about to take off for that iPhone. He was like, oh, if no one claims that, I'll have it. It's like, how am I not going to claim it? That's my... Like, someone doesn't drop a phone and they go, oh, I'll just grab that. That was plugged into their sound system. Wow. Someone hasn't accidentally plugged that in and gone, oh, well, you know,

I don't know, who knows what's going to happen now. He's probably seen that phone and just gone, I need a notepad. Yeah, yeah. It's really something to jot down a few notes at the bus stop with. And it's not like a wallet with just cash in it. It's like, it's a phone. There's numbers in it. Yeah.

You know? There's a way of tracking. Well, I mean, you know, we've painted a certain picture of, you know, Spleen as an establishment in the past. It doesn't surprise me that this is the kind of, you know, people that they're employing. Just grifters and, you know. Yeah, don't leave anything anywhere in Spleen is what I'ming. Yeah. Just grifters and, you know. Yeah, don't leave anything anywhere in Spain is what I'm saying. Yeah.

Because there's an employee who's employed to just hook your gear. It's like that time I was there doing a gig and you turned your back on me and someone tried to take me home with them. Yeah. Start a podcast with them. Yeah. I left my iPad on the spirit of Tasmania. The reason I did that is because I went on, I was going home for Christmas

and I thought, oh, I'll take my car and go on the floating RSL. And it was kind of weird. I hopped on the boat and immediately I got off and they were like, oh, I know you. Oh, I used to play bowls with Roger. I'm like, hey. It was just like pseudo famous. Like basically someone knew someone in my family kind of famous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they then knew that I was famous, but they'll always announce the family connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and so, you know, it was a bit much of that and I had a bit of work to do. And actually I didn't want to have drinks with people. Can I have a drink with us?

No. So I went back to my little cabin and it was a bit tight. And so I'd bought a cabin where you share with a stranger. And they weren't in there yet, but I was scared because they had their stuff on the bed and I'm regretting. And they're really close. And I'm like, oh. So I hid my stuff, including my iPad, to go out to the bathroom. And anyway, then there's an announcement. Hannah Gadsby, can you out to the bathroom and anyway then there's announcement

hannah gadsby can you come to the blah blah blah um details are my strength and um i had to go to the blah blah at the office the deck or something and there's all these people behind there and this guy goes i don't know who you are but these girls think you're funny and want to know if you can have a photo and sign. I'm huffing because it seemed like the karaoke mic set up. I'm like, oh no, don't make me. Don't make me. So you got called to head office over the PA to do this?

To have photos taken and signed and stuff. That's rotten. No, but then they said for your, for your efforts, we'll upgrade you to the,

so I got the, like this corner room as a, like, you know, it's still built, you know, it's still.

The honeymoon suite on the boat. Yeah. And it's like windows right round, like panoramic. You've got your own private dinghy

that's just getting towed behind the spirit. Pretty much is what I got, but I left my iPad in the other room. But I was really casual about it. Well, you're famous. What do you care about iPads? Well, I do. It's got a lot of stuff on there.

But I'm just fairly casual about loss. I'm like, oh, well. I think my mum was my reply. And I didn't remember, because I was so casual about it, I don't remember where I lost it. It could have been here, it could have been there. And then about six weeks later, I get a call

from Devonport Police, from Maureen. I think we've got your iPad, you're a lucky girl. It's funny that you couldn't remember the exact name of where you got paged to on the boat, but you can remember the exact name of the person from the police who called you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I spoke to her.

Okay, fair enough. You can't forget a Maureen. And her name was Maureen, and she was lovely. Maureen from Lost and Found at Devonport Police. Can I speak to Hannah? You don't forget that. But the bursar's desk. I didn't forget it.

Go to the bursar's desk. I want to forget it. Go to the bursar's desk. I want to get on to Maureen. I've got a feeling she's got a lot of my shit. She's got a safe way to duck it for you. I'm super safe with phones, iPads, any electronic stuff I never lose. I've got mates who will go through a phone every month because they leave it in a cab. No matter how trashed I am, I just am always on that.

I've started losing clothes a lot, like just from traveling. You've got a spleen. Pardon? Yeah. Maybe I need it. You're wearing them at the time. It's got that bad of a spleen. I've just lost so many clothes where it's like I know that the last place

I saw that was here. It couldn't have gone anywhere else and it's just vanished. That's how I update my wardrobe. I don't even, you know, it's not a matter of, oh, they're getting a bit old. It's like I'm running out of clothes. They're all lost. I just wear the same thing. After we went to Brisbane, I went straight to Adelaide and I've come back

and I'm like, oh, maybe I didn't bring that shirt with me and then it's not on the rack here. So it's like, oh, well, that's under a bed where i was staying in brisbane all my underpants um decided to give up at once like all of the gussets just went and i'm you know they're not special pants i'm not i am too old and not interested and so this is i went to buy i had to buy underpants in bulk is what i'm saying and i don't i don't get they're not special yep and i bought them and i was in tasmania my mom mom said i'll pick you some up and she's probably the most enormous underpants like because i said i'm size 14 which i am because because I stretch, which is fine.

But she said, no, you're not size 14. And so she's bought me size 18. Oh, she's gone the other way. Yeah. I thought she was going to go, oh, well, I remember you when you were eight. You were size three then, so I'll buy you then. No, size 14 then too. Because that's what mums do.

No, size 14 then too. Oh, right. You would have grown. I remember my dad's mum, my dad won a golf championship in Maribor once. So your grandma? Yes. Is that what you call them in the city? I was like, I've never heard that kind of relationship before.

I don't know, that's a grandma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my dad won a golf championship and his mum tried to send in a picture of, like didn't like the photo that they used of him like holding the cup or whatever so tried to send in

a picture of him when he was 8 or something going that's a nicer picture of him oh that'll be good for the back page of the Mirabar Advertiser has seen

14 years ago has seen 14 years ago on a BMX he's the new club champion but that's also like that's such a burn because it's like your mum going

yeah you peaked then and you know you've never been as good that's the day I stopped loving you was the day that photo was taken it was literally like

oh he had nice curly hair back then so that should be in the newspaper rather than him with a goblet jug whatever anyway what were you up to I was talking about my giant underpants yes giant underpants goblet jug. Whatever. Anyway,

what were you up to? I was talking about my giant underpants. Yes, giant underpants. There's not much more to it but I'm determined to wear them

because she got a lot. Yeah. Parents buy, mum's, mum buying clothes or any kind of, Oh, we're going to see them.

We're caught, they're like there. They're high up. Yeah, really high up. Yeah. I'm sort of like ghetto. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, but with cotton tails. Yeah. I bought a big pack of underwear a couple of weeks ago, and I've realised I've bought them in the wrong size. Oh, the worst. Yeah. But now I sort of feel like I can't be bothered going to buy new pairs,

which means I'm just walking around really uncomfortable all the time. Which way are they? Are they too tight or are they too loose? Too tight. I've bought pairs where they're like too loose and that's the worst because if they're like looser than your pants, then it just feels ridiculous because it's kind of like your pants are like keeping your underpants like in place.

Like if they weren't there, they'd be falling down. Then you've got that overhang. You've got just loose fabric hanging over the top of your pants. That's what I've got going. You need underwear belts. That's all you need. Someone should get that going. Underwear belts.

That would be awesome. Just a bit of rope. I was in a store the other day looking at clothes and there was a kid. It was like a general pants, kind of a cool young person. young a young people oh you're you're you're old now if you're going to use that term you're old now but that's what i mean is that like when i was in there there was like a kid who would have been like 13 in there with his mom and i like i remember

having when you when you'd sort of first start choosing your own clothes and you'd want to get cool clothes but your mom and dad would have to sign off on them yeah so you're trying on like i remember that flanny top and coming out of the change room and my dad had this weird thing whenever he'd look at me try on clothes he'd like want to make sure that i was getting jeans in the right size so he'd be there kind of like fidgeting around under the belt buckle like yeah now it's not too loose and not too tight and i'd be there and then which i realize i am now there'd be kids or that's not too loose and not too tight, and I'd be there. And which I realise I am now. There'd be kids or just people in their 20s there on their own, and I'd be going, oh, I just can't wait to be that cool one day.

Come into General Pants by myself and get as many Nike T-shirts as I want. I remember someone at school changing my life, going, some kid hanging shit on me, going, oh, look at your shirt. Oh, did your mum pick that one out? I'm like, yeah. Isn't that how clothes work? Yeah. Oh, no, you guys are all wearing Nike and I'm wearing some weird thing that my mum's bought down the beach at an op shop or something.

Yeah. Oh, no. My mum used to make my clothes. It was a level. You know, it wasn't like you go to a shop and mum was hanging over. You know, I'd go to a fabric shop and I had to choose my fabric. And there's cool older kids there who were just buying the fabric by themselves. Buying race car fabric.

Yeah. And I think floral. Yeah. Why not a bit of colour? Right. So everything I chose never got bought. And then, so then you're like, well, I've got it. I'm excited.

I've got technically new clothes, but it would take months for her to. For the making process. Yeah, to actually make. Wow. Sometimes I got fabric for Christmas. Oh. Yeah. That'll make a nice pair of slacks.

Oh, jeez. And those two bits there, they can coordinate with the slacks. You've got three outfits. That's so weird getting a gift. Well, no, I've got three rolls of fabric. Yeah. That's what I've got. The gift that will eventually become something.

Oh, that is a good reason to not get up early on a Christmas morning. You've had a different Christmas to us where you're just waking up hoping for a Decepticon. Yeah. You're sleeping until 12 and going, that roll of carpet can wait. I hope that I at least get a finished pair of underpants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a prototype. You could just wake up for a couple of bits of plastic.

Oh, that could make a Decepticon one day, you know? Yeah. Oh, man, that's brutal. Oh, yeah. Talking about you and the boat, I don't know if this is worth bringing up, but you know what I did the other day? Great start.

Hey, it can only get better from that from there I did something I've always wanted to do the other day which is I got a hotel room in my own town oh big news

yeah got a hotel room in Melbourne yeah yeah so just got on the tram went to a hotel I reckon see I reckon

do you jam and fart no it sounds like that but no no it was on our hottest night I reckon Do you jam and fart? No it sounds like that But no No It was on Our hottest night Last week Or the week before

When it was Oh so you just wanted to get An air conditioned room Was that it? Well my parents were going to come down And then It was so hot They went no

And then I went I got into the idea Because I was going to get them a hotel room And then it was so hot I was like you know what I like the idea of getting a hotel I'm just going to do it anyway It just happens to be the hottest night awesome so i got one of those like

vegas style hotel rooms it was like really expensive it was massive it had a massive plate glass window oh yeah and it had um one of those automatic curtains oh when you bring them down you don't know what day it is you don't know what time it is. Like we got upgraded in Vegas. Yeah, exactly. And it happened to like that. Yeah. Exactly like that. Did you, which hotel? Well, it was the Hilton. Okay.

Yeah. It was the Hilton in New Quay. New Quay? Yeah, that's the thing. Where's it? I don't know where that is. It's down near Docklands. Is there an old quay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the place. It's like a place where no one goes. It was actually, it felt like leaving town and going to a new town because you go down there, there's no one there. What's New Cay? Yeah, exactly. It's not Cay.

There's no one down there and you're just walking around in all these places you've never been and it's like water down there. You're walking past the Yarra going into the ocean and stuff like that, and it just feels like you're in Sydney or somewhere completely different. It was really good. My parents have started doing that during the comedy festival. They've started getting a hotel room for a couple of nights in the city so they can go and see shows and stuff.

But it's bizarre because Dad will go, yeah, it's great where we are now, like in this hotel room, because, you know, we're only like a 10-minute walk to go and see a show at the Forum. I'm like, your house is a 20-minute drive from drive from the city like you're talking like you're from bloody bendigo or something but it is nice because they'll just they just hang out in there and like i'll go visit them in the room and it's like i'll kind of go and sit in there for like an hour and then go and do my show so i get to feel for a couple of nights like i'm an international like

i'm on tour you know it's exciting it's like I'm better going to do my show now I need a wee like I've tried that's fine I think we're pretty much that does pretty much bring us to the end unless you've got anything

you want to tack on I want a wee too what better place to end this I was going to say very quickly the only thing they got me in the end

I really enjoyed the experience but they got me in the end because in the end it was like okay this has all been great let's have breakfast in the morning go down there eat breakfast without asking how much it is.

$40 for breakfast. $40. $40 for breakfast. Anyway. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the little Dumb Dumb Club. What a man. Hannah Gadsby, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you.

Your Melbourne International Comedy Festival show is starting next week, as is the case with a lot of people. Where is your show? Happiness is a Bedside Table, is that it? Yes. Yes. Happiness is a Bedside Table and it's at the Town Hall at 7. Great.

Check that out. We've got our live shows. We've got our own shows on every night of the festival. Get involved. Go see some stuff. You can go to the toilet now. Website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. It's just to the right and then the next one on the right.